#idk what this is but it’s deeply fucked up suicide awareness

[flowercrowngods]

cw suicide mention & imagery

original play idea where people seem to live their normal lives but the audience gets the feeling that something’s wrong, there’s a tension and there are things that obviously go unsaid that hang in the air between the characters uncomfortably long enough until the last member of the audience has filled in the blanks in their own way.

there is a figure off to the side, a very young man in a suit, watching them, unmoving and silent, and as the scenes and progress, as characters leave and appear, as the setting changes, the young man is always there. no one interacts with him, but there are moments when they almost do. when the characters stop what they’re doing when they stand close to him, and appear to listen. but there’s nothing.

the sound of TV news reports, all playing over each other, create an uncanny and uncomfortable buzzing that never, never stops, and there are too many to really make out the words. they get more silent the closer they get to the young man in the suit, quieting down to nothing when they stand by him to listen — but the characters seem unaware of the change. so does the young man, statuesque though he is.

then there’s a little girl, covered in dirt, her hair askew, her cheeks rosy — the image of having spent the day outside, playing in the dirt, a smile on her face, her eyes big, as she skips towards the young man and asks, “can we go now? can we play?”

the young man cards his hands through her hair and says, “you go ahead, i’ll be right there.”

but still he stays there, seated.

everything continues as before, but the characters slowly undergo a complete change in character, in routine, in appearance. the old man who wore suits is not dressed in sweats and old, worn out, dirty shirts. the sweet, kindhearted young adult is now quiet and apathetic. the woman who, in the beginning, was talking her friend’s ear off and could barely stand still is unmoving now, staring out into nothingness.

the buzzing and bustling background noise is slowly, gradually getting louder as the characters become increasingly nonverbal and unmoving. the lights dim down.

then all at once, after a crescendo, the noise stops suddenly, the lights turn off completely, before, with warm, yellow light, a woman we’ve seen before — as she stares into nothingness — appears on the stage, slowly approaching the young man as if unsure of her body but undeniable in her grace.

they smile at each other for a moment.

m, whispering: you’re not supposed to be here, not yet

w, cradling his cheeks: i was always supposed to be here long, long before you

m: i know. i’m sorry, i—

w: i know. i forgive you. i’ve always forgiven you

m, after a while: but not yourself

the woman shakes her head.

w: a mother will never forgive herself for burying her child, and a father will forgive himself even less. (a beat) you have such a handsome face.

m: it’s not your fault

w: so beautiful, those eyes, i’ve missed you so much

m: listen to me, it’s not your fault!

w: and your hair! papa would be so glad to know that—

m: mother. mama. listen to me. it’s not your fault

w, tearful and whispering: you were supposed to be fine. you were always supposed to be fine. it was never supposed to be this bad, we were supposed to help, but—

m: i know. i tried, i really did. both times

in that moment, the little girl comes skipping on stage again, approaching them with her wagging ponytail.

g: what are you doing here, mama? will you play with me now? it’s been so long!

the woman gasps, her tears getting the better of her as she falls to her knees and pulls the girl to her chest, who readily returns the hug

w, sobbing, kissing her cheek: hi, baby. yes, i’ll play with you, of course i will. let’s go.

the young man helps his mother up, allowing her to pull him into a hug, and she whispers: “as much as i love her with all my heart, i’m so proud of the young man you’ve grown into. and now i have you both, just as i always did.”

the young man brushes a kiss to her cheek, then lets her go, watching as his mother disappears with the little girl.

m: i have to stay a while. i’ll follow you soon.

(woman and girl, hand in hand, exeunt)

the lights dim, and the buzzing returns, accompanied by the sound of dragging footsteps the audience cannot see, until everything’s back in total darkness. the noise stays. growing louder in increments, leaving the audience uncomfortable and unsure if this was it.

as they quiet down, we hear a man, sobbing uncontrollably, before eerie silence takes his place, too.

the curtain falls.

[thegodcomplcx]

Please write that Amy’s choice essay

amy's choice is an elevenamy episode masquerading as an amyrory episode and in this essay i WILL be addressing that.

the whole concept of the episode is deeply interesting to me. this is one of the first instances of amy actually not really having a choice at all. at this point, halfway through season, we've decently established amy and the doctor's relationship, and the hints we've gotten of rory have been. uhm. crazy.

rory is introduced to us as amy's bumbling boyfriend, who, while well meaning, is ultimately not someone that is seriously compatible with amy. amy has experienced some childhood trauma (her parents were eaten by a fucking crack in spacetime and then the only guy she could sort of trust disappeared on her for 12 years. yeesh) that has stunted her emotional growth and leaves her in a state of sort of perpetual adolescence. rory is a band-aid to the solution. rory is representative of someone that amy could have wanted to be with if she didn't carry this trauma. but that's not what happened to her.

the major appearances that rory has had when we start amy's choice is the eleventh hour where amy does not want to admit they have a serious relationship (she calls them just friends still. idk if this is in general, or just in front of the doctor, but she does not want to be perceived as in a relationship with rory. lmao) and then at the end we see amy actively using the doctor to run away from her obligations to rory. then she cheats on him with the doctor in flesh and stone. and then they meet up again in vampires in venice where amy basically avoids making a choice by dragging rory into the tardis, even when rory himself expects that they will just go on a break or something. i would argue that this in and of itself is amy not choosing rory. she is not ready for marriage. she still wants to explore herself and who she could become if she doesn't settle down.

amy's choice starts off with amy and rory in domestic bliss with amy barefoot and pregnant. the show makes a deliberate choice to frame being a wife and mother as the only thing amy will be if she chooses this life. there are plenty of women who find enjoyment in being a mother and women who continue to have rich lives in addition to being a mother. but amy doesn't get this. being a wife is a cage to her. it will only trap her.

then, when they flash back into the tardis, the doctor describes this vision as a terrible nightmare and even hugs amy to reassure himself that that won't happen to her. (elevenamy crumbs. as we know, eleven and amy are one entity, so we can assume they have similar views on the matter). then we meet the dream lord who we know is the manifestation of a dark part of the doctor's subconscious. and he sets up this entire game of choosing. the fact that dream lord knows this is the sensitive spot to poke shows that the doctor is aware that amy has feelings for him that are actively stopping her from fully committing to rory. (and the dream lord knows about amy's sex dreams. which could mean nothing.)

amy and rory have a conversation in the fake tardis world where rory wants the leadworth life to be real and amy can't fathom ever "giving up all this" (traveling + the doctor). she also says she never wants to grow up. when she is blatantly asked by rory if she still wants to get married, she says "someday" which is another nonchoice! she wants to keep both these men in her back pocket and avoids doing anything that will lock her into a choice, lest she regrets it later.

the main part of the episode that people point to as "amy choosing rory" is when he dies in fake leadworth. when he turns to dust, amy demands that the doctor fix it, and when he can't, she says this must be the dream and insists on elevenamy joint suicide. what i find interesting about this is that amy has "chosen" rory in a way that still leads her back to the doctor. she says she can't exist in a world without rory, so the one where they're still traveling with the doctor must be the real world. i also think this is another example of amy being strong armed into a choice. rory is clearly very important to amy, but i don't think that means he's whats best for her, or that his values align with hers. amy not wanting rory dead does not fix their incompatibility.

amy insisting that the doctor fix it and saying "whats the point of you" when he can't is also deeply interesting to me. amy is so aware of the doctor's otherworldliness. she turns him into a god in many ways and i think she almost has to view him like that. he's never allowed to be flawed. he saved her when she was a kid and he came back for her and he took her to see the stars. amy literally views the doctor as a panacea. in any situation, the doctor has an obligation to save her. in this instance, it's stopping rory from dying, but in most of their relationship, the doctor is saving her from having to marry rory.

i don't think amy ever fully chooses rory. she's never put into a situation where rory explicitly (and without the threat of death) asks her to leave the doctor for him. (i think he doesn't ask this because he knows amy won't choose him.) rory comes along with her and the doctor because amy is not capable of making a choice.

(TATM is...interesting. once again amy is forced into a choice by the narrative; if the weeping angel wasn't there, amy would not have left the doctor on her own volition. i also think the narrative itself guilts her into choosing rory, but we can talk about TATM somewhere else. this is getting long.)

and if this whole episode is a metaphor for amy choosing between rory or the doctor, what does it mean that it's revealed that both the realities are false? that there was never a choice? it's about the lack of choice and agency that amy has. it never mattered what she actually wants, because she will not be allowed to make a choice. everything will happen around her, or the doctor and rory will make choices for her, but amy doesn't actually get to choose. this episode is ostensibly about her choosing rory or the doctor and she does choose the doctor. it ends the exact same way it started, with amy continuing to travel with the doctor (and rory on their heels), because amy doesn't get to choose. the plot moves along and takes her with it, not the other way around.

(also dying in a fiery car crash w someone (on purpose) is the most romantic thing in the universe argue with the wall)

[himejoshiangels]

batgirl 2000 reread pt 2!!!

Back 2 batgirl..Cass has to have some of the worst daddy issues in the whole family and that's saying so much like between Bruce and Cain she deserves billions of dollars in compensation for all the all the way fucked up and over shit they put her through that she doesn't even have the capacity to work through yet

also this little interaction made me smile, average bat conversation

obsessed w how they integrate cass into the Bruce wayne: murderer storyline. We're operating fully from cass's perspective here and the whole thing is formatted like any other case she's taken on. we get exposition as cass investigates but there's a feeling of uneasiness as she paces the manor. she fully doesn't know who this guy is but we do. we do.

truly one of the most iconic ways anyones ever figured out his identity. she knows him so deeply that she's able to recognize the pure unbridled determination and fury in his eyes just from a picture

Cassandra cain truly stays unmatched, the "I'll kill you" "not tonight" panel hits just as hard as when I first read it. I need a physical copy of this shit NEOWWW. also cass's ability to recognize that Shiva is just as suicidal as she is, that in fighting each other their both fulfilling the others death wish..like we know she isn't going to kill her from the start but it makes the decision all the more powerful

EEEK she's so cutest patootest..she's a detective

cass if projecting onto every case she dealt with was a job..

srsly tho the whole alpha arc thing was sooo good especially when it came to cass's immovable belief that even people with the most diabolical histories are capable of change, are worth saving

ermmm..the lawyers are advising me not to discuss the stephcass drama issue at this current time..thank you

idk how I missed the political commentary the first time but issue 43 got it. FAWK AMERICA

I love this comic I LOVE THIS COMIC!!! I love love love when Cass has a conversation that leads her to experiment which leads her to self discovery. oh my god. truly baffled and disgusted as she discovers gender roles, she just like me fr

THIS^^^^^^ is so, it's such a good way of broadcasting cass's insecurities and emotions to the audience. unlike a lot of characters cass rarely ever says what she's feeling, even when asked she'll often lie. it's either that or a lack of self awareness/means of communication when it comes to her own emotions. BUT this also shows that cass is aware of the complex interpersonal dynamics and drama around her. Usually these things are just implied like when Cass wordlessly punches the shit out of dick for making babs cry, but this is one of the first times in the comic where these things that cass had been feeling and hearing are told instead of shown [which is pretty 50/50 considering the kinda jarring writer switch but I think this specifically was a cool choice]

Cass has a tendency to avoid emotional topics centered around her all together but at the climax of this arc she's forced to confront very conflicting views of her identity, social pressures, and her own insecurities.

this part got to me BAD

Cass's pure and utter devastation in response to Bruce attempting to fire her (I say attempt bcs that shit barely lasted a day) is so gutwrenching. batgirl was the first name she ever had, the first identity as a human being she'd ever had. Not to mention her suicidal-perfectionism. For Batman of all people to say those things to her, not only does she not have anything outside of batgirl (partially BECAUSE of him) but she's literally as close to perfect as it gets, matter a fact bruce literally calls her perfect. To be accused of jeopardizing the mission, despite that she might be the only person who values it just as much as bruce does..No wonder she shatters into a billion pieces when he does that to her. she has nothing else to be if she's not batgirl.

[twinge-of-cosmicangst]

what are your hopes for the final episode?

Gonna go by character I guess

Kendall- Kendall has always been a favourite of mine, I have liked him less this season, that’s not me saying he’s been OC or anything, I just think it’s his natural progression now he hasn’t got the moral of high ground over his father. He is becoming his father, he is the epitome of “the cycle” some people think Shiv is most like Logan, some even think Roman is, but to me it’s Kendall, and always has been, and it’s even more evident this season. When Ewan said that he and Logan had a meagreness about them, but the the difference between them is that Ewan tries to be moral, whereas at some point Logan stopped trying. Meaning that once upon a time Logan was a better man, which I think can be somewhat backed up by Connor the eldest being somewhat softer then the rest, perhaps Logan was not as brutal with him, if somewhat absent because of his obsession with his career (remind you of anyone) and then 15-25 odd years later his youngest son is physically beaten by him. I think when Ewan made that “he stopped trying” statement about Logan, the audience was supposed to think about Kendall. Despite his faults Kendall has shown genuine empathy multiple times throughout first 3 seasons and yet in season 4 he grows more and more cold as he literally tries to become his father. So the natural conclusion to this is that he becomes CEO but he is deeply unhappy and his soul is basically ruined and his whole family inevitably hating him. That would be a sad ending for Kendall fans, but it’s honestly hard to imagine another one for him, other then perhaps suicide, which I think is a possibility. So out of those to options I’d guess I’ll say CEO? I don’t know, the other potential CEO that I think could happen is maybe Tom, which would not great for him in the long run either but ultimately not as thematically tragic.

Roman- I honestly have no idea what Roman’s end game could be, I’m not even sure what I would want for him, that probably has something to do with the fact that he has never been one of my favourites, yet I do feel empathy for his character, Logan abused all his children, yet Roman was the only one he physically abused, to be singled out like that must be traumatising. I think he is slightly more likely to get a somewhat happier ending then Kendall (idk why I just feel it in my waters) and yeah he’s not my favourite but I don’t hate him, so I’ll be fine with him getting a neutral ending, perhaps working at Waystar (not CEO) and befriending Gerri once again?

Shiv: I am 99% sure that Shiv will not be CEO “American” or otherwise, I think pretty much all the other mains (aside from Connor) have more of a chance becoming CEO. This is not because I’m secretly a internal misogynist, neither do I think she will not become CEO because of her “Lack of experience” No the reason I think she has no chance is because of how the last episode ended Lucas telling her he can make the “American CEO work” was basically a neon sign saying “Matsson may be able to get an American CEO to work but it sure as fuck won’t be Shiv” that’s just how narrative convention works. Matsson is shady as fuck and it’s been kind of obvious that he’s been playing Shiv the whole time, she is aware of this and she has been playing him too, but she is only aware to an extent because when her mind is so close to the prize, I think she gets a little carried away. It fluctuates but at the moment Shiv is my second favourite character, and what I want for her professionally is what I’ve wanted for her since I watched season 2 and that’s to go back into politics. Connor has always been a bit of a scrounger (I love him though) and Ken and Roman of course have always been in the family business. Shiv was the only one to make a career for herself (yes she had a huge amount of privilege to help her build that career) but still she had a career that was hers not her fathers, not only that but she was a democrat, while her father has a hugely intimidating and influential presence in the conservative landscape, I never see anyone talk about how brave that was (even if it was somewhat to spite him lol) and yet after years of apparent resistance Logan managed to reel her back in, and we saw she was as desperate for his approval as her brothers were. The scene where Logan persuaded her to take her picture with Menken is one of the most devastating in the show imo, she was so reluctant but she did so for a promise of Waystar and Logan’s approval. She clearly had some passion for working in politics and she appeared to enjoy her job. This hope for her is fruitless though because it is the last episode of the last season so in terms of profession, my hope for Shiv would be that she ends up at Pierce, or perhaps goes into business with Roman (could they maybe work better together without Kendall, maybe it would be a disaster idk) I think there is more of a chance that Shiv gets out then there is for her brothers (she actually knows there is life outside of Waystar from 10+ years of a different career) also as she is my favourite of the siblings she is the one I want to escape the most, as I think working at Waystar (living in the haunted house) will end in misery for any of the siblings and I do want Shiv to be somewhat happy. In terms of personal I want Tom and Shiv to officially end it (although I think that’s unlikely this point) I’m not even talking from a Tomgreg perspective, Tom and Shiv clearly make each other miserable (I do believe they do love each other though) and I know them being miserable together is part of the appeal for a lot of people (hand in unloveable hand and all) but I would personally like them to put themselves out of their misery for good (honestly it would be better for their child as well) Speaking of the baby, I do not want to speak of it much because it is basically pointless as a plotline as we’ll never actually get to see the thing (unless they flash forward Harry Potter style “Logan Roman Nate Wambsgans you were named after the biggest sicko I’ve ever known”) I am not someone who was dead set against Shiv getting pregnant (in fact I thought it was a real possibility with some of the hints we got in season 3) but upon finding out that Jesse added it in last minute, it only makes me think the whole plotline is rushed and pointless and if the whole point of it is to bring Tom and Shiv back together, then dear god 🙄

Connor and Willa- These two’s married life seems to be going well (Yay I love Conwilla) and I think it is highly unlikely that they will randomly implode in the last episode, if they do, Jesse, I will Annie Wilkes your ass (For legal reasons this is a joke) but as the last episode is going to be very Waystar centric, Conwilla will probably be minimal, my main hope for them in the final is they get more screen time then I expect and that I am presently surprised, and that they are happy. Career wise it would be nice to hear how Willa’s playwriting is going, and I honestly don’t have a preference whether Connor is going to remain in politics or go back to “ranching” whatever tickles his pickle. What I would like for Connor though is a little, just smidge of affection from the sibs. GIVE US A SIBLING HUG WITH ALL 4 SIBLINGS YOU COWARDS! I know that the sibs care for Connor in their own way, but he doesn’t (he literally said no one loves him and none of them bothered correct him) Not to bring up the Tomshiv babby again but I can’t believe Matsson heard about it before brodad 🤮 the injustice. Please let at least one of the sibs have sweet moment with him. Please 🙏

Tom and Greg- Saving the best till last baby! I do genuinely want the gay art gallery date (real ones know) it is possible if somewhat unlikely. Other then that I do not expect Tomgreg to go canon but I would like them to have a decent amount of screen time (like proportionally the same as episode 8 which would be more screen time then episode 8 because episode 10 is 1/3 longer then episode 8, if I’m making sense) dream would be to have proportionally the same amount of screen time as episode 1 but that is unrealistic (episode 1 felt about 40% lmao). I would obviously like them to end on good terms, and I want them to be working together! I think Tom is a genuine possibility for “American CEO” he has experience, and Lukas may just do it to fuck with the Roy siblings. Matsson seems to genuinely like Greg but even he wouldn’t make someone like Greg CEO, under qualified is an understatement, the markets would freak, but maybe he would settle for Tom instead, maybe Greg persuades Matsson to name Tom (that would be the dream) I do think being CEO of Waystar inevitably leads to misery for anyone who becomes it (to quote Gerri “the job that makes your brain explode”) but like I said it’s not as tragic with Tom, because he won’t have the corpse of his abusive dead father breathing down his neck. Ultimately I would like Tom and Greg to be somewhat ok and working together and remain besties, wouldn’t mind Tom becoming CEO but idrc. If I’m being realistic I think Tom could end things in a really bad place unemployed? Publicly shamed? Getting arrested for cruises?? Lmao the last one is unlikely but not impossible, but I don’t want any of those things to happen, because he’s my favourite character and I don’t want him to be completely miserable, but I can deal with somewhat miserable, he kind of deserves it. With Greg I think he is the most likely out of the main characters to end up in a good place career wise (although again not CEO lmao) but it means nothing to me if he is in a good place career wise but estranged from Tom, so yeah Tomgreg to remain besties is really what I want for them the most (cheesy I know) a little bit of homoeroticism wouldn’t hurt either but I refuse to get my hopes up.

It just occurred to me while writing this that I said I wouldn’t mind if Tom became CEO but that I also said if Kendall doesn’t become CEO he’ll die! That is perhaps a bit extreme. But what I’m saying is that I think that out of all the characters Kendall is the most doomed by the narrative and will have a tragic ending no matter what, and hoping that he doesn’t his somewhat pointless, the only good thing that I can bring myself to hope for Kendall, is that his relationship with his siblings isn’t completely destroyed by the end of the series and that they are still on speaking terms.

[t4tpumpkinduo]

🩹 fpr the dsmp lore asks

🩹 - should c!niki and c!wilbur beat the shit out of each other?

-

tbh no👍 i don't think that would be productive, OR relevant to their issues, or even in line w their dynamic. but i DO think they need catharsis like they need air, and if that means a shove or two in the rain SO BE IT.

first off, i think niki is pretty justified to feel abandoned by him. you can absolutely understand cwilb's self destruction and eventual suicide, you can get that he was in an incredibly difficult position in pogtopia due to his mental illnesses, that he truly hated himself, that he thought he deserved it. yes, he hurt people, Badly, but he himself was deeply hurt too. cwilbs main target Was ultimately himself.

but the point is that in situations like this, where you lose smone in so many ways, both before and after death. it's complicated! it's messy and scary and isolating, so of course niki is allowed to feel the pain of that as well. she loved him, she trusted him. she was called L'manberg First Lady fucking Hello. when ctommy would bring up cniki, cwilb would say don't you dare use her against me. the reason she stayed in manburg for so long, a place she despised, despite having so many opportunities to leave was BCS cwilbur specifically told her to stay!! that he'd come back for her!! and jesus christ nikis bday party still makes me 6'2 my stomach, the way he was ignoring her as she pleaded over and over for him to treat her like a person i'm sick. she burned the tree then fucking looted his rotting corpse and kept his jacket on fucking helloHELLO....OF COURSE SHE'S CRAZY.

and tbh i think cwilbur is allowed to be a little snippy too! not to the same level as cniki, for sure, but idk. what abt the time she directed all of the anger she had towards him at ctommy 😭 and wanted to kill him abt it. again, it's well written, it makes complete sense how smone spiraling and grieving and in that much pain will pick the easiest target but. good lird what a target. her and jack did super want to rip him apart. i think cwilb should've been a key piece of the aftermath of this arc, he shouldve been made aware of it. it feels like such a WASTE it never happened! it plays into so much! his care for tommy, that someone you love can make terrible mistakes from being in pain (which he should be well acquainted with 👍), as well as the damage he left behind with her. not to even mention the cycles of it all.

so yeas, their actual reconciliation in canon was lacking and lame as fuck and corny as he'll IMO. i need these ppl to sob and scream and lash out and snarl at eachother wee beastie style. but beating eachothers asses is too far because they Do 👍 care abt eachother deeply. and thags what matters that's what it's actually about. at the end of the day

[siren-melodies]

Hiii, so idk who else to tell this too but backstory my family has never been religious but lately they have an some points they be making does make sense but some are like I have my own opinion of it

But what has gotten to me is that manifesting is a sin and that we should believe in God and God only and rn idk what to do because I don't want to sin but I also want to manifest my dream life just how I want to live it. The thing is I'm not educated enough in manifesting/loa/non duality even thought I been in this community for almost a year now, to actually tell them about it.

So now I'm stuck.

Religion is a trap, a bubble designed to keep you ignorant. It was created so that you look elsewhere for God when in truth it was you all along. Why would God make the Earth and then not partake of it? There is no other power but you as awareness. Nothing is outside of your control. Religion is full of fuck ass limiting beliefs to make you feel small and incapable. Society is crafted the way it is so that you never awaken to your true identity. It is full of distractions and unnecessary rules and whatnot.. constantly telling you bullshit like you have to work your whole life and slave away, life isn't fair, I'll believe it when I see it, daydreaming is a waste of time, glorified hustle,, superpowers are fantasy and the likes of such. All of this is fantasy to awareness. It is all imagination, a dream. And when you remember who you are, you consciously control the dream. Awareness is in a human body literally just for the experience, to be entertained by it all. You don't need to be educated because there is nothing to learn, just unlearn. This is your rebirth. Start from scratch. In the very first chapter of Genesis in the Bible, God created heaven and earth of of nothing. The world was void and out of nothing, came everything( this is the void y'all) literally mentioned in the very beginning of the holy book. Look it up for yourself. This is why religion and society have done their best best brainwash by the multitude. If people awoke to their true selves, where would there power and authority go? Surely they can't oppress a self-aware God. Lol and a bunch of teenage girls on tumblr fucking know this out of everyone in the world to exist at any point in time. Honestly, it's not even just about manifesting and stuff. That is what ego desires. You are pure awareness experiencing the human body and mind in a dream world. Nothing really matters, never has. You are always awareness. You were before you took on an ego and incarnated, you are during and will be after the character dies. This is a game and it's supposed to be fun! I'm really glad you asked ME this question because I feel I am perfectly qualified to answer. I come from a deeply spiritual family. Starting with my great-great-great grandmother, black magic was heavily practiced in the family, men and women. Seances and speaking to the dead, letting the dead possess your body and speaking through you type of shit. I've always seen and felt dark entities (was attacked a couple times but not anymore bc I'm above those shits) Anywayyyyss, point being that my family went crazy and it passed from generation to generation. Suicides, Drugs, Mental and physical disease, Severe abuse.. until my grandmother decided enough and looked towards Christianity. Now she is a FANATIC. Absolutely ludicrous! It's so amusing hearing her speak about Jesus and crap because in my head I'm going "if only you knew God was right here." She is also one of the dumbest women I know. She believes you shouldn't ask questions about the afterlife and stuff because that is doubting God. And she thinks Saturday is a holy day and you shouldn't even buy anything on that day because it's a sin. She forbids anyone to listen to music and thinks if a woman was raped she has to marry her rapist because sex is holy and the woman is impure... She became a Christian at 19 and now she is pushing 60 with nothing to show for it. She has nothing! Her faith in " God", who is supposed to be a man that lives in the sky, had gotten her absolutely nothing and it is because she is worshipping a false God instead of herself. I don't care if it sounds narcissistic.. Worship Yourself! The moment you want something, give it to yourself. You are not a pathetic little human with it's pathetic little problems. You are sooo much more than this. You are above everything. You are truly privileged to know the truth out of everyone. Everyone else is suffering and going through their own shit, and would kill to know what we know. Don't let this life on Earth go to waste when you can heaven right now! Feel free to DM me for anything

Xoxo,

Jezebel 💜

[breerps]

Can’t believe this needs to be pointed out but...

...there’s a wild amount of hypocrisy in demanding people believe you that someone did some shitty stuff in the past because people should trust victims of bullying and abuse when they share what happened... but the moment that person shares that they’ve gotten literal suicide bait, you refuse to believe anything they’ve said and instead go out of your way to “prove”... Idk honestly, that they’re lying about it? Or that they somehow deserved it? Either way, the lack of self-awareness is mindboggling.

And for the love of fuck it is not suicide baiting to tell someone that you’ve received messages telling you to kill yourself. Suicide baiting is literally the act of encouraging someone to kill themself—“malicious encouragement of suicide ”. Or if you wanna get legal, “a communication by a person directed at another by written or verbal expression, expression through an electronic communication, or non-verbal expression, that urges or incites the other to commit or attempt to commit suicide.” Telling others that you received suicide bait messages is not in itself suicide baiting.

Using the threat of killing oneself to get something out of someone is a form of emotional manipulation, but it is not suicide baiting and it’s deeply problematic to conflate the two. That’s how you get to the point we’re at now, where someone is literally sent messages telling them to kill themself, and the moment they dare to express that that happened, other people refuse to believe them or take them seriously.

And on that note, it’s not emotional manipulation to say “I was sent suicide bait”. Can’t believe that needs to be said, but it’s not. It’s just expressing something that has happened. It is not emotional manipulation to express that you’re going through some incredible hardships because of someone else’s actions, even while that person is also going through their own hardships because of yours.

There’s a massive difference between “people told me to kill myself so I'm leaving the community and am moving on with my life, please drop the subject”, and “if you don’t drop the subject, I will kill myself”. Those are two radically different things, and based on everything that’s been plastered up in the tags and on individual blogs, the latter never happened.

This community really needs to stop throwing mental health buzzwords around willy-nilly to back themselves up, it’s genuinely detrimental to how people perceive issues as serious as these. And y’all have got to stop whipping people up into a frenzy over things that happened years ago. Let shit drop and move on with your lives. Block and move on. It’s literally that simple, and if for some reason it isn’t, that’s what therapy is for—for you to work on that yourself in private instead of roping a whole community into your shit unnecessarily.

[damienthepious]

NEXT. from. idk february ithink.

The Beast In On His Chain (chapter 7)

[ch 1] [ch 2] [ch 3] [ch 4] [ch 5] [ch 6] [ao3] [ch 8] [ch 9] [???]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien, Sir Damien/Rilla, Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Sir Damien, Lord Arum, Rilla, Sir Absolon

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, prisoner/guard dynamic, Dehumanization, (which feels like a weird word to use for a nonhuman person bUT. it’s what i got.), Despair, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, (EVENTUALLY!!!! it’ll take a while), Captivity, Suicidal Thoughts, (that will be a theme throughout. inescapable in this particular fic. alas.), Eventual Romance, (Yes the dynamics in this one are fucked. honestly i’m kinda Stretching my limits these days.), (having fun with it. fucking around. it’s fine.), Recovery, (eventually), Self-Reclamation

Chapter Summary: Small steps towards big changes.

Chapter Notes: Many continuing warnings for Arum's situation, but if you're this many chapters in you know what to expect at this point.

~

The problem is-

(the problem, ha, as if he could narrow his miseries into a single point-)

The problem is, Arum feels more awake, more aware, more furious than he has in ages. And he can do absolutely nothing about it.

The room around him remains, unchanged. The knights walk their circuit. His world remains as small as ever, as dull, as viciously banal.

And at the white-hot core of him, he seethes again. A dormant volcano reignited. Coals unburied, newly hot with the breath of fresh winds.

All lit up again, he thinks grimly, and nothing here to burn.

He spends his time - that which he does not spend unconscious - thinking. There is little to do here besides think, of course.

He does not understand... Amaryllis. He does not understand the way she speaks to him. Does not understand the spark in her eyes, almost like sympathy. Does not understand her scowling in the direction of others of her own species. Does not understand-

Because this is wrong, said fiercely and without reservation, jaw held firm and stubborn and brow furrowed with indignation.

It is wrong, what has been done to him. It is wrong. Deeply, viscerally, fundamentally.

No human has ever acknowledged that before. No human has ever even hinted that they were remotely capable of recognizing it. The closest anyone else has come was the vague, perhaps imagined hint of pity in the eyes of his new prison guard after he eventually intuited the shape of Arum's captivity.

This... Amaryllis so very clearly felt far more than that. Something inarguable. And Arum does not understand it.

He plays with the charcoal between his fingers, unwilling to risk another sketch but still wanting to feel something relatively unfamiliar, for once, and he thinks-

And thinks and thinks and thinks.

Her eyes were so dark. He thinks they may have been brown, in truth, but- impossible to tell, here in the dim lamplight, especially with the distance between them. She smelled of linen again, and some soft soap. Sharp fresh mint and cut grass. Her hair looked soft, like... he doesn't know. Curls of ribbon. Like a river over rocks in moonlight. When he surprised her to laughter, she bubbled with it, bright and bouncing, fluttering like a startled flock. She looked at him. She looked at him.

(Will she come back?)

(He hadn't believed, after the first time, that she would. He had thought her a fluke, at best. A memory that would haunt him, at worst. He hadn't believed that she would ever return, ever break his monotony again.

But she did.)

(With a smile, she did.)

(Maybe she will surprise him again.)

The knight looks at him, too- or, looked at him, at least. Not quite in the same way as Amaryllis, but still. Like he was worth notice, at the very least. He seems bound and determined, now, to ignore Arum to his fullest, but...

Arum decides that he doesn't care. Safer, for knights to simply ignore him. Even the new ones, with the wide sad eyes and the pouting mouths. Especially now, when he feels awake again. Better that they don't notice any change, and clearly the new knight had been hovering on the edge of too observant.

(And Arum hates how the creature has begun to invade his nightmares. That lullaby-)

(He can't. He cannot forget the Keep's voices. He does not think he is capable of forgetting. But that does not mean that he has any wish to dream its lullaby in anyone else's voice.)

He does not care, he decides. He ignores the Janus beast whispering his own lies to him, and he puts his head back down to sleep.

~

"He has a name."

Damien blinks, and then he turns towards Rilla as they both sit on the front step of the hut. The evening light paints her features, glinting red-orange off her dark hair, illuminating her eyes just enough to distinguish the brown from the black of her pupil. Though- she isn't looking at him. She clutches a journal on her lap, fingers splayed out but pressed down tight against the pages open across her thighs, and she looks out across the garden, her face pinched and her mouth set in a scowl.

"I'm... sorry?" Damien says after a beat, tipping his head to the side, trying and failing to read the look on Rilla's face.

Rilla hesitates.

(Something curls unpleasant and cold in Damien's stomach. Rilla does not... she very rarely hesitates about anything.)

"What is it, love?" he tries, stuffing his own worry down as best as he can. He reaches out, trying to take one of her hands, but- she doesn't relinquish her hold on her journal. She does not pull away, at least, and- he settles for stroking his palm down over the back of her hand, instead. "What's wrong?"

She swallows, still not looking at him, and then she says again, "He has a name." She presses her lips together, blinking hard, and then she finally looks towards him with a flash of fire in her eyes. "They keep him chained by his throat and his wrists and his ankles to a fucking rock in a windowless cave of a room surrounded by body parts and they force him silent and he has a name, Damien."

Damien twitches back, half at the intensity on her face, and half at the realization of who - what - she means.

Her hands have slipped from the pages, he realizes, and he recoils further when he sees-

The monster. Rendered in Rilla's deft, sharp sketching, and glaring sullenly and so terribly sorrowfully out of the pages at Damien.

"What did you do?" he breathes sharply. "What-"

"I took a tour," she says with another scowl, and then a shrug. "Or two. I wanted to see-"

"Rilla-"

"I wanted to see what had you so damn upset! And then he was just- there, and he-"

"Rilla," Damien says again, aghast, "the Trophy Room is d-"

"If you say that the well-guarded pile of crap in the Queen's basement is dangerous, I am going to-"

Damien doesn't interrupt, this time, but Rilla doesn't finish the sentence, devolving into an aggravated huff through her teeth. After a moment, Damien swallows.

"You should not have gone down there," he says softly. "It is an awful place."

Her scowl deepens. "I know it is. That's why I had to see it for myself, and Damien- Damien, it isn't right."

"Rilla," he says, "we are at war."

"I don't need you to tell me about the fucking war, Damien," she hisses. "But that's not an excuse to treat someone like that!"

Damien drops his eyes, his stomach twisting again. "He is a monster, Rilla. Not only an enemy combatant, but an enemy noble. A lord. A leader. Dangerous. Valuable. The Citadel cannot afford to allow him to- to-"

The look on her face could ignite a volcano, Damien thinks. He realizes belatedly that his words have dried up.

"That," Rilla says slowly, "is horseshit, Damien. And I think you know it, too. He has a name."

"I do not know what that changes," Damien says- snaps, he realizes after a moment. He can't- he cannot- he stands stiffly from the step, moving to pace as Rilla glowers up at him, one of her hands still on the page, fingers gentle on the paper beside the depiction of that- of the monster. "Rilla, I do not know what you expect me to say. What you expect me to do. He is a monster, and-"

"I don't know what that changes," Rilla growls back, and Damien snaps his mouth shut for a heartbeat before he turns again, looking down towards Rilla.

"Everything. It is a beast."

Rilla stares at him. Hard. Her eyes go flinty and grim and her jaw tightens in that lovely-stubborn way.

The moment draws long and slow, buzzing insects across the garden blissfully ignorant of the discomfort bleeding through Damien.

"I wanted to sketch him," she says in a low voice, somehow both casual and insistent. "I wanted to, but when I actually saw him, I couldn't just do that without asking first. It felt like a violation, when clearly he's already been violated more than enough. So when he woke up-" her eyes harden when Damien twitches at that, but she does not relent, "I asked him. I noticed that he was staring at my sketchbook like he wanted to eat it and so I offered to show him my sketches if he'd let me sketch him afterwards." She pauses, her brow lowering and her mouth tilting into the least happy smile Damien has ever seen. "And he agreed! He agreed, he nodded, and so I showed him some sketches. Landscapes, flora, some birds. I thought he was going to cry, for a bit there."

"Rilla."

"He didn't, though. And I got surprised, at one point, and I dropped my charcoal. And it rolled over close to him."

"Rilla," he says, more vehemently, suddenly terrified. "You don't know what it could do-"

"With charcoal?" a smirk slashes across her mouth, bitter and vicious. "I know exactly what he could do. Because when I went back, I saw what he did. He drew something. Not for me, I don't think. I think-" she hesitates again, another heartbeat of uncertainty. "I think," she says more quietly, "he drew it for himself. As a reminder, maybe. Because-"

"Rilla you don't know how dangerous-"

"It was a self-portrait, Damien!" she snarls, her hand swiping the page forward, flipping to another sketch. It-

It's a flower. A lily.

A self-portrait? But-

(They only ever call him the monster, or the trophy, perhaps the swamp lord or the lizard lord. He does not have-)

Damien feels his own brow furrow in confusion. "A flower," he says blankly, and Rilla gives him an unamused look.

"I know you know what it is," she says flatly. "You're a poet and you're engaged to me. You know flowers, don't play dumb."

Damien flicks a tongue out to wet his lips, feeling extremely adrift. "I... how is this related, my love?"

"This is all he drew," she says, and then- she draws the pads of her fingers around the shape of the lily petals, a slow curl, something aching in her expression. "Just that. Just- him. Damien, he doesn't belong down there. He doesn't deserve that. No one does. No one could ever deserve that."

(The nightmares are getting worse. Damien knows. Damien knows that his heart is weak and malleable and aches when and where it should not. But-)

(Rilla is clever and pragmatic and Damien trusts the strong moral core of her with his entire soul.)

(Doesn't he?)

(Monsters are not supposed to weep. They are not supposed to have hearts, let alone hearts that have so clearly been shattered into a thousand pieces.)

Damien swallows thickly, and he sinks where he stands on the dirt, sitting loose and inelegant and facing Rilla still on the step, looking up at her now and feeling...

"I don't know what to do," Damien says weakly, blankly. "They are never going to let him go. Never. He cannot starve to death, nor perish of thirst. They will not let him die, they will not let him go. I don't know what to do. I should not want to- to-"

She waits, her eyes bright. He sighs.

"What do you expect me to do, my love?" he says eventually, feeling so terribly tired.

That, at last, seems to deflate some of the stubborn-sharp energy swelling Rilla's chest. She sighs as well, then, running a hand back through her hair.

"I don't know," she says quietly. "I don't... I don't know, Damien. But I know that we have to do something."

We, he thinks, with a fond little pulse in his stomach. We have to do something. Well. That certainly feels worlds and worlds easier than the idea that he has to do something, alone and confused and conflicted.

"What... what is his name?" he asks, voice muted, after a long moment of silence in the sunset softened light.

Rilla smiles, sad and sweet, and lifts her journal to her chest, pressing the lily against her heart.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #115

(taken february 17th; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Do you think you have an addictive personality? I'm very well aware that I do, just like my dad, and it's why I stay away from a lot of things known to trigger addiction.

Honestly, do you enjoy arguing? No, it sends my anxiety through the fucking stratosphere immediately.

Is there anyone that you truly could not live without? I refuse to ever even consider this idea EVER again.

When was the last time someone saw you naked? Totally naked, idk. I try very hard to avoid anyone seeing me like that, but I'm pretty positive it would be my mom coming into her room after I've gotten out of the shower or something.

What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? My first real boyfriend, the person I basically entirely lost my self-autonomy to. Not by his will, in his defense.

What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? I absolutely cannot listen to "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin because of a basically movie scene-worthy prom memory with Jason. I haven't heard it in years and don't plan on ever listening to it again, I just can't. It breaks me. "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides is also a song I generally avoid because of another memory with Jason, but I can *sometimes* listen to it. "The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance is yet another I'm very sensitive to because I binged the fuck outta it and cried my eyes out repeatedly to it after I learned about Jason's mom dying. That was the most painful death I have ever dealt with so far in life, and it fucking haunts me that the last thing she ever heard from me was begging to talk to her son as she talked to me well over an hour in the absolute middle of the night encouraging me to not kill myself. Then I ODed two days later. Uhhhh there's a lot of other songs but I really shouldn't have explained this one so deeply because I'm crying so we're just gonna move on.

What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? I was suicidal again and knew I needed to be in an environment where I couldn't be a risk to myself.

What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? Mostly things I've said. And the Joel situation when I was 12.

Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? I sure do. I don't believe there's anything truly special or divine about humans; we're just the most advanced animals, but that doesn't make us even REMOTELY "better" than them.

What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? Tried to kill myself. Entirely gave up on, turned on, and grew to hate myself. As for the worst thing someone else has done to me, probably how Jason left our relationship. It was SUCH a jump ship type of reaction, like he wanted to be on the other side of the world from me basically immediately, leaving me so confused and lost and hurt and just wanting to die. It's interesting to note that I didn't start healing until he actually agreed to meet with and talk to me about all this more than a year later, although I guess me also starting a strong mood stabilizer that I absolutely responded well to at the same time probably played a part, too.

What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? On here, probably that I literally had surgery on my ass lmfao a pilonidal cyst is a cyst in your asscheek :^)

What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? She was/is (I 220% do not even remotely believe her claim that she's not anymore for MANY reasons) a Nazi and was also a fucking terrible "friend" to me, when it REALLY boiled down to it. She was capable of being good sometimes, yes, but our "friendship" had very serious problems in its base structure, and I was not taking her making me feel like a shitty, burdensome, annoying, and weak person anymore.

What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? Sharing that kinda stuff is crossing a personal boundary for me, so skipping.

Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? YES. If you don't like hugs, you have to be upfront with me about that because at some point I WILL try to hug you otherwise.

Which person would you choose to travel the world with? Girt.

What is a book you can recommend to others? I will recommend Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo to literally everybody. It's an anti-war novel that leaves you feeling just plain fucking haunted and appalled by human nature.

Do you have (a) stuffed animal(s) sitting in your room? Which one(s)? I have a bunch of meerkat plushies on one shelf, as well as my favorite plush from childhood (a moose named Brownie), a fennec fox as a zoo souvenir, a Cheshire cat... maybe one or two others, idr. I now also have a giant stuffed bear sitting on a chair in this spare room because Girt got me it for Valentine's Day, haha. :') I can always see it from where I'm sitting, and I want this room to be full of stuff that motivates and makes me happy.

What do you order on a pizza? Most often I just get pepperoni, but I will also sometimes get a meat lovers-esque kind, and rarely I'll still want a jalapeno pizza.

How old was the first person you kissed? He was 18 at that time.

Last dream you had: It actually REALLY messed with me when I woke up; I remember I'd just found out I was pregnant and we were actually keeping the baby and Girt was super excited and yeah it FUCKED with me

what is the first letter of the last name of the last person you kissed? M.

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? We like, never text. We almost always use Discord instead.

Have you been to a baby shower? Yeah, my sister's, and my ex's brother's wife's. Maybe one other person?

Something good going to happen tomorrow? Yeah, it's my youngest niece's birthday party and I'm really happy Girt is able to come with us. I'll get to see my dad, too.

Do you believe exes can be friends? In some cases, sure. But not always. I would probably even say not in *most* cases, but I don't know that with certainty.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater? Girt.

Has anyone ever sung to you? Girt has, and I guess kinda-sorta-but-not-exactly Jason.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year? It'd... be nice, especially if I fucking finally DO find a job at some goddamn point. I'm job-hunting online literally every day. It would be nice to get a place with Girt.

List the initials of every person you have kissed, from oldest to most recent kiss. (Put “?”s in the place of initials you don’t know.) JAR, T? (more accurately, I don't remember his last name), SJM, DM.

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Haha of course.

Would you stay with your bf/gf if they did drugs? I wouldn't go *into* a relationship with someone doing drugs, but if by some incredibly low, insane chance Girt started drugs for whatever reason, I'd try to stay with him as long as I could and try very hard to convince him to stop.

Where was your mom born? Somewhere I won't disclose in New York.

What about your dad? Uh, I want to say Ohio, but it's possible it's actually Michigan.

Is your tongue pierced? It used to be; I had snake eyes, and it was probably my favorite piercing, maybe tied with my lip ring. I only took it out because it was damaging my teeth.

What did you last do in your bed? I took a nap today. I've been sleeping a lot and super heavily lately...

Have you ever named any of your pets after a cartoon character? Yeah, I remember we had a black cat growing up named Taz. Odds are pretty high we probably had another pet (probably another cat) with a cartoon name, too. OH! Already thought of one lol, we also had a BEAUTIFUL Maine coon-esque boy named Eeyore. He got hit by a car and it devastated me.

What was the last thing that someone else recommended, or suggested you try? Hmmmm... can't say I remember.

What was the last podcast you listened to? Do you listen to it regularly? I don't think I've listened to a podcast since I last listened to Rhett & Link's MANY years ago.

Have you ever held a gun? Did you fire it? I did unwillingly, but I sure as hell didn't fire it. Colleen's husband needed someone to hold it while he was doing something and I was the only one there.

What did you last take painkillers for? A fucking toothache. I'm starting to get them in a specific spot again, once more where I DIDN'T get dental work done...

What did you have for lunch today and who made it? I didn't eat lunch.

What was the last candy you ate? It was a LifeSaver. I keep them on hand because of my clinically dry mouth (I'm told to keep little candies or something like that in my purse to force salivation when I'm really suffering), but I just felt like having one.

Have you ever been hit in the face? What’s the story? Maybe accidentally, but not that I remember.

Do you know anyone who is deaf? I don't believe so.

If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? IF I wear makeup, it's black.

If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? Roman, not so much, but Cookie definitely can get jealous.

Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? No.

Have you ever trespassed? I think I have. I don't think I really knew we were trespassing, though.

Are you afraid of heights? Yes.

Do you walk around barefoot when you’re at home? Or do you wear socks? I'm pretty much always barefoot unless I need slippers. I hate socks.

Would you ever be a tornado chaser? Hell. Fucking. NO. I very much hate even watching VIDEOS of small tornadoes because I get extremely, extremely anxious.

What is your favorite thing to eat with bbq sauce, if you even like that stuff? I absolutely hate bbq sauce.

Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No.

Have you ever created a website? Multiple, but none from total scratch.

Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? I've had absolutely countless where I've TRIED to. That's pretty much the common theme of my nightmares, and I wake myself up trying to attack someone who's in some way threatened me. I'm always stuck in this state where I'm unable to defend myself, like my body is a stone that I can't make move, until I finally do manage to lash out and wake up.

Which is worse: Sick to your stomach or sore throat? SICK TO MY STOMACH. There is NO pain that I handle worse than stomach-oriented ones, and I'm also absolutely petrified of vomiting. This is gross but I am literally the person who historically has puked multiple times not in a toilet or trash can, but on the fucking floor because I just totally, completely freeze when I feel it coming, like I don't know how to handle the sensation and I am fighting vomit coming up to the VERY last fucking second. I HONESTLY think I would rather have a sore throat for my entire life than vomit once.

Do you think your last relationship was a disaster? The one before Girt? Not a "disaster," no. Our FRIENDSHIP may have been, though.

Who do you think is the easiest to talk to? Probably Girt.

Do you have a favourite metal band or do you not like metal? Ozzy Osbourne, and Rammstein if you count them as metal. Not all their songs are, but they've definitely got some that are genuinely metal.

Thick or thin blanket? It totally depends on the time of year/temperature.

How do you mark through your word search puzzles? It depends on what writing utensil I have available to me, font size, lots.

Have you ever sewn something? No, have no idea how to. I probably should take Mom up on asking to teach me though, it might come in handy one day.

What did you eat for dinner last night? It was pasta, really good pasta.

Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? I watched just one with Tyler. Can't remember which one it was, just that it was old, and it wasn't bad.

Have you ever drunk Cherry Coke? Yeah, I like it, but not more than the OG.

Have you ever had a black eye? No.

Did you ever take a cooking class in school? No.

Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? Uh, not that I know of, and it's incredibly unlikely anyone ever has because I've never dressed very revealingly. There are certain types of ignorant people who could argue yes because I have large breasts and wear tank tops very regularly, but the opinions of those kinds of people don't mean shit to me, at all.

Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? I haven't seen a picture of Jason in a super long time, but probably. How I remember him, he was, but I do know he's since grown full facial hair that I've only seen one candid picture of.

Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. No.

When was the last time you were scared? "Scared" isn't the right word, but I was definitely nervous earlier when the sky got pretty damn dark and it became windy. I don't like being home alone in stormy weather.

What’s your favorite song by Rihanna? I have ALWAYS adored "Disturbia."

Can you speak binary? No.

Have you ever had a pet that you disliked? To be entirely honest I absolutely hated Nicole's old dog Bentley. It was one of my biggest sighs of relief ever when we FINALLY found him a new home. Nicole didn't even live with us most of the time we had him, and he was a total pain in the ass to both Mom AND me, and also Teddy. He and Teddy fucking hated each other, and I will never forget them fighting while Cali was in heat and getting fucking blood on my wall and side of my bed.

Have you ever given a nickname to your pet(s)? Oh for sure, they pretty much all have, haha.

Do you like boys with long hair? HELL FUCKING YES

[cinebration]

It Isn’t Enough (Captain Syverson x Reader) [Request]

Thank you for opening requests, i love your writing!

If you feel up for it: I like fics where one is an complete asshole in the beginning but notices it after some time and tries to make it better/apologizes.

So maybe a Captain Syverson fic where you are an soldier that comes new to his troop and he for whatever reason starts to humiliate her/has her do drills that would be extreme even for men and does that for days. And reader never complains because she hates beeing seen as less for being a woman, but is completely exhausted.

And idk either she collapses and some point or for extra drama gets wounded in a fight because she cant defend herself because she is so weak from his treatment. And he notices what a asshole he was.

Idk something like that would be awesome but I love all your fics, write whatever you like 😄 — Requested by anon

Hooo boy, anon, this was fun to write. Not sure you’ll like the ending, though.

Warnings: gunshot

Gif Source: calebduume

You wanted to punch Syverson in his goddamn face and make him bleed. Perhaps that was a byproduct of growing up with two older brothers, of having to fight and scrape your way to be “valued,” but the urge to beat Syverson into submission was strong.

It was bad enough you were the only woman assigned to his unit. It was worse still that he was holding it against you.

When the orders had come in that you were being assigned to his unit, you had balked. Bunch of grunts like that were guaranteed to make hell for you—even more so because you were being sent to them to help deal with the female population. The men intimidated the women and therefore were missing out on vital intelligence.

It chafed you that you were solely being selected based on your sex. You had gone out of your way to distinguish yourself in the hopes that you wouldn’t be seen only as a female soldier. You had performed comparably with the men in most categories and had exhibited great improvement in the ones you were lacking. Your old CO had lauded you for your diligence and determination.

Only now you were back at square one, dealing with a captain who clearly did not want a woman on his team of brutes.

You refused to let him see it, but you were suffering. As part of his campaign to scrub you out of the unit, he had you working unpredictable hours. He had you running the perimeter at two in the morning after only an hour of sleep, then made you clean the toilets. The other men noticed but didn’t quite say anything. Only one dared to offer you sympathetic glances and tried to shoulder some of the excessive responsibilities being heaped on you. When Syverson caught on, however, the man was punished alongside you.

When the summer arrived, some four months after you had been assigned, Syverson had you running suicides at high noon. You nearly collapsed from heat stroke, but you persisted, aware he and the others were watching you. After, you shambled into the building, clothes soaked with sweat, and made it to your room before passing out.

An hour later, Syverson all but kicked down the door. “Get up, we’re rolling out.”

Flushed and still shaky, you glared up at him. “Yessir.”

The muscle in his jaw twitched, but he stormed out, leaving you to suit up.

You knew something was wrong when you had trouble getting into your gear. Your fingers fumbled, and you felt dizzy, the floor rocking beneath you. You struggled to think straight, everything fuzzy inside your head and out.

Get it together, you hissed inwardly, and then you were out the door.

The merciless sun beat down on you, cooking you in your fatigues and body armor as you moved with the others through the empty square. Everything baked in the heat, waves shimmering off the streets and buildings. Your vision wavered as you scanned through the haze.

The silence stretching over the market square should have set your nerves jangling, but your unsteadiness countered that, making you trudge after the others without a word. Something fluttered in the corner of your eye. Squinting, you turned sluggishly toward it, saw a figure leaning against a building.

Why are they doing that, your addled mind asked.

Pain exploded through your chest, knocking you down. You didn’t so much as cry out, the breath in your lungs gone. The dirt pressed into your face, shoving your sunglasses against your temple. Gunfire cracked around you. Heavy hands yanked you back, dragging you across the dirt with ease. You faded in and out, hearing shouts as you were flung to safety behind the Humvee.

~~

You woke slowly, grainy eyes peeling open unpleasantly, as though every grain of dirt and sand had worked their way under the lids. Mouth gummy, you swallowed thickly and tried to get your bearings, your head pounding. The room around you resolved into the medic tent.

A light breeze toyed with the flap of the tent, making the harsh sunlight play in jagged lines across everything.

Voices cut through the fog in your head.

“You almost killed her!”

“It’s not my fault she didn’t see—”

“She should never have been out there! Thanks to your drills, she was suffering from heat stroke!”

Silence.

You tried to elbow up into a sitting position. Pain flared through your chest, another wave through your skull. You groaned despite yourself.

The flap smacked open as the medic stormed back into the tent, rushing to your side. “Whoa there, take it easy.” He eased you back down onto the bed. “You took a bullet to the chest on top of the heat stroke.”

You glanced at the IV stuck in your arm and the saline drip attached to it above you. “Everyone…okay?”

The medic arched his eyebrows.

“Yes.”

Captain Syverson’s voice sent a jolt of surprise through you. He stood at the foot of the cot, arms folded over his broad chest. He didn’t quite meet your eyes, his brow creased deeply. Dirt clung to his features, plastered there with sweat.

The medic fussed over you for a few minutes, checking vitals and talking to soothe you. You ignored him, painfully aware of Syverson’s presence and resenting it.

“I want to speak to her alone.”

The medic shook his head. “I don’t think that—”

“That’s an order.”

The medic glared at him for a long moment before relenting, backing out of the tent. You shifted uneasily on the cot, tensing as you felt Syverson shift his attention back to you.

“You’re a stubborn fuck,” he growled.

Your mouth curled into a snarl. “Save it for when I’m back on my feet.”

The muscle in his jaw clenched. “You should have said something about the heat stroke.”

“Why? To give you the satisfaction of having ‘beaten’ me?”

He glanced away, making you frown. The man usually stared you down, not flinched. “I’m sorry.”

The words took the breath out of you. “You’re joking.”

“I don’t joke. I shouldn’t have run you so hard.”

Shaking your head, you leaned back against the pillow. “Well, it worked. You’ve successfully driven me out.”

“What?”

“I’m requesting a transfer.”

The statement hung in the air between you both, stifling. You heard Syverson shift on his feet. Good, you thought. Leave.

“You should stay.”

You blinked, glanced at you him. Had you heard him correctly? “Excuse me?”

“Don’t make me repeat it.”

“Why should I stay? You did everything you could to make my life a living hell.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

You couldn’t tell if he was being genuine. You scrutinized his face, the way he couldn’t meet your eyes, as though terribly uncomfortable. “Why did you do it? Because I’m a woman?”

The words seemed to be yanked from him. “I didn’t think you could manage it out here. I didn’t think you should.”

It was exactly what you thought, but it still stung. Hand curling into a fist, your bruised chest aching, you said, “I guess you were right.”

“I’m trying to say I wasn’t,” he growled.

“Just promise me the next woman sent to this unit doesn’t suffer the same treatment.”

His lips pressed into a thin line. “So you won’t stay?”

“No.” You let your gaze drift up to the tent’s canopy. “I’m done. With all of it.”

Syverson moved to the tent flap. He paused, his shadow stretching across your feet. “I am sorry.”

“It isn’t enough.”

[jungkook97]

life update!

i feel like i haven’t done a long essay about my current life in a very long time (~mid 2019 i feel) and i just wanna pop in and say....YO

so idk how many people are still active on here who used to read my really dark stuff, but it’s been a wild rollercoaster since then. for anyone who followed me on twt, i got fired from one of my jobs back in 2020 during the start of the pandemic and fell in one of the darkest holes i ever been in. mind you, this job meant the world to me at the time, and for a week i laid in bed all day just sobbing to anyone who would lend an ear. 

i had lost a core group of friends on top of realizing i was being sexually harassed at work by a fling gone wrong + being in a horrific car accident like...things weren’t really panning out for two whole years. i was wondering if i had made the right choice to move out here from my abusive home because i kept being thrown into situations where i was in danger or overextended myself over and over again for people who did not care. it was getting to the point where it was a vicious and endless cycle of hurt and pain that actually persisted until a few months ago. 

my depression fell below my time back home in 2016/17 to where i started to spiral to the point where i had serious suicide ideation. that ideation turned into planning, and that was truly when i went to go seek help immediately after it happened a second time in the span of a year. lasted 10 whole days in the hospital and found out i had borderline personality disorder which made 100% so much more sense. i knew i was neurodivergent for a while, but i never could piece what i had for the longest.

anyway, i continued therapy with this new diagnosis. 2021 was my first year of healing and coming into the second half of 2022, i really can’t recognize myself and where i had been for the past couple of years. i truly wonder if i really made it out officially, but i can confidently say that i’m in such a better place than i ever had been. 

for the longest, i struggled with identity, depression, anxiety, toxic relationships, overextending myself for others, people pleasing, you name it. i had so many realizations and wakeup calls ever since my late teens and into my early 20s. i remember sobbing uncontrollably on my 25th birthday on a therapist’s couch just suffering from complex ptsd, the days i spent crying in my backstock room because of my situation at my job at the time, the nights i felt wickedly lonely in a room filled with people who didn’t care, etc. i lost an awful amount of friends and loved ones and yet, i still gained so many and still feel so loved right now.

my family and i have been healing. for the first time, my dad told me he was proud of me and my achievements and my mom and i hashed out so much in our talks in the recent months. my brother and i aren’t doing so hot, but i still got a lifetime with him to figure it out hopefully. 

right now, i live in my own place on my own without much worry about making ends meet or dealing with anybody who i couldn’t vibe with entirely. my friendship circles are rock solid and i’ve been looking at romance in a much more nuanced and balanced way. i realized my views on love changed a lot when my crushes both irl and celebrity are genuinely fucking great people and it’s only a matter of time when i am ready to date someone who matches my life path and grow with me. 

i’ve been well aware of my mental health issues, going to therapy, eating better, taking my days and time off and refocusing on what really matters to me. i realize i create and communicate things well and yeah doubts still form, but i feel more and more confident by the day that fuck, i am a talented, intelligent, beautiful fucking person who deserves the universe and all the universes. 

i’m deeply empathetic and no longer at a fault anymore, i’ve became more selfish, and my passions are lining up perfectly. i work at a job that challenges me with management and coworkers who genuinely care, i graduated with a degree in what i was deeply passionate about, and i participate in communities that really fulfill my needs. i have boundaries now that come up fast and protect me from so much potential harm. i stand up for myself more than ever before, louder and more convincing. 

there are so many things i need to work on ofc. i do need to be more bold and be more uncomfortable to be even more spectacular. i still need so much help with the work/life balance thing and not give in to #capitalism and work hustle culture. the self doubts of an ambitious and overachieving human being still linger on, which you know, is typical when ur filling in big shoes all your life lol

i want to create more coming into the second half of 2022 and really until the next decade. i’m seeing more people just having their life together whether it’s finding the love of their life, being able to travel and have such an amazing lifestyle, even more than i am and fuck, i wanna be there! i know i’m getting there. 

i truly made the best choices for me until this point in time. when i put myself first in those certain awful core memories of mine, my life changed for the better: 

got fired at a job? got a much better job. 

friends and family who didn’t care? cut them off and never looked back. 

lost interest in something from time and trauma? healed and got back into it even DEEPER.

wanted a better life? kept fighting for it. 

i just know things are looking up and better. the worst i ever felt was having covid which was very recently and work burnout, but in terms of the trauma and the crippling depression? i think most of that is behind me right now, in the rearview mirror looking rather sad bc they’re being left behind for good.

all i hope is that it stays there. 

[rk1kheadcanons]

There’s an African proverb that says “the eye never forgets what the heart has seen” and for whatever reason it just always makes me think of RK1K. Maybe each of them trying to convince themselves that they don’t have feelings for the other, but their heart is like “you can’t ignore this, you can’t just look away, these feelings are HERE.” Idk feel free to use this proverb and take it any direction you want!!!!

Connor, in retrospect, is man enough to accept that his love began when he watched that damning speech at Stratford tower, on the biggest, clearest high definition screen that room owned of the 'unknown deviant leader.'

He wasn't aware of himself but wanted to meld his lips this holo-skin free unit's own and his software instability said "Time out, please!"

He knew everything about Markus from a simple scan. He knew him from his model to his serial number, to his owner/father figure Carl Manfred before Markus ever uttered that name to him, and yet the lie he told Hank Anderson on that mission was so smooth it was like butter when asked if he had captured any details on the on the other.

...

No, Lieutenant

You know, like a fucking liar.

That was the first time that he was more than just interested in hunting down the deviant leader, Markus.

He wasn't aware of self but wanted to kiss this holo-skin free unit and his software instability said "time out, pls!"

Markus in the news, on other forms of media, makes it hard not to notice him. Connor concedes that this model is very pleasing to the eyes and without the holographic skin, but the skin makes him-it- more.

The same can be said about Markus. Markus knew that he loved this man on sight.

His love and adoration came at the end of the barrel of the gun Connor's hands held against him, but Markus knows he's weird and has made peace with it.

He had to know his enemies. He'd watched the news, listened to every deviant that made it to Jericho, or if they allowed it, even interfaced with them. He sees Connor. On the news, on the move, all long lines and lithe bounding over things. And it's unfair to look like he does being what he is Markus finally concludes.

Connor, the perfect leashed hunting dog of his kind from Cyberlife. Connor has no idea how much wrong he does at the hands of the protocol he's been filled with. He sees Connor, the biggest martyr of them all, being used as a weapon again and again against his community.

He's beautiful. He's a deadly kind of dangerous beauty, like a jeweled pit viper and Markus wants to be bitten.

The two revolve around each other for a time, still fighting for their opposite goals.

Then, they meet finally in that rusted out control room. It something just clicks like no wonder I was so happyexicitedenamored to see you, I am a part of you, and you are a part of me.

Oh, when the shroud of protocols is shed and Connor is there looking sad and defeated and all the things that make Markus want to just take him into his arms and tell him he has him, that's when that African proverb Markus had read had meant some time ago at Carl's house.

When they were running from the destruction of Jericho and met up again at the Desolate Church.

When Connor left Markus side to do that damnable suicidal mission back to Cyberlife but bought back thousands of people freed by his own hands, it was exactly what that proverb meant.

No matter how they'd started, once they were in each other's orbit it was inevitable not to love, to kiss and touch each other so deeply.

The eye never forgets what the heart has seen.

And from the time they could they never, ever forget each other in all they did. They wore each other 's names hardcoded on their thirium pumps, figuratively speaking.

[telehxhtrash]

Hi! First, I want to apologize for my bad english, since it's not my first language. HxH was one of the shows I binge watched bc of the quarantine and I completely fell in love with. And your meta helps me to cope woth the feelings brought up to me. I hope Killugon relationship doesn't end with Alluka as the embodiment of being loved that Killua was seeking, I want to believe in their reunion and realization of feelings. I get a little anxious by the way things "ended" :(

hello, pls don’t apologize, your english is so good!!

i’m glad my posts could help a little bit, i’m glad you enjoyed them ! <3

and omg, don’t worry about it, there’s no way Alluka is meant to be Gon’s replacement in any way. They’re two different kinds of love ! I feel like Killua’s story arc is meant to be fulfilled by acquiring three different types of love. Friend love - his relationship with Kurapika & Leorio, family love - his relationship with Alluka, and romantic love - his relationship with Gon. 

By separating from Gon, romantic love, for now and focusing on Alluka, family love, he’s not trading these two different types of love. Family love isn’t meant to replace family love, and I honestly don’t think Togashi would head that direction - make Killua move on by having Alluka give him that unconditional family love. I definitely think he’ll come to realize Gon loves him unconditionally too, because a huge part of HxH is Killua and Gon’s relationship, not Alluka and Killua’s, so she would never replace Gon from a narrative point of view.

Killua is still seeking to be loved the same way he loves Gon, so I honestly don’t think Togashi’s message in Killugon’s narrative would be “sometimes your crush doesn’t love you back so you move on by being supported by your family looooolll” - i feel like Alluka’s role here is to provide that little push towards the right direction. She’s here to encourage Killua to get more confident, to provide him with unconditional love that he’s aware of being provided with, so that he can finally bloom and be the best version of himself, so he can learn how to love himself, love Gon better in the process, and ultimately, accept Gon’s love in return.

idk if that was clear fjdbg my brain is ass, BUT you don’t have to worry ! Killua’s story arc will end with him realizing he’s loved unconditionally, by his friends, by his family, and ultimately in a romantic sense, by Gon. 

i don’t know what it’s worth, but i came across this, and since i fucking love meta analyses... i’m gonna reach and say that these 8 types of love are deeply intertwined with Killua’s story arc. (for reference, i suggest also reading this tumblr post)

In the Hunter Exam, Killua experiences philia, friendship love, towards Kurapika, Leorio and Gon. During Greed Island Arc, he experiences ludius, playful love, that stage of romantic love where you experience the early stages of falling in love. Early CAA, he experiences eros, romantic love (i insist on romantic bc eros denotates romantic love, not sexual love as some articles say, and definitely NOT sexual love since they’re literal kids). Later on in CAA, he experiences mania, that messy, obsessive kind of love, that led him to consider commiting lovers suicide. After CAA, in Election Arc, he experiences storge, family love, in the shape of reuniting with Alluka.

So, so far, Killua has experienced 5 different types of love. If we keep that idea in mind, he still has to experience 3 other types of love : philautia, pragma, and finally, agape.

Philautia is self love, he has to learn how to love and accept himself properly, and I really believe that for Killua, that philautia will spark from him being provided with storge, like I mentioned in my reply.

After this, I believe Killua will experience pragma, that enduring type of love, that love that took commitment, work and dedication. I think in Killua’s story arc, this will mean the reunion of Killua and Gon with them finally working through all their issues. 

And finally, Killua will experience agape, and be provided with it. Unconditional love. Selfless love. A healthy love. He will be able to love fully, healthily, freely. I feel like Killua already experienced agape during his character arc, because the love he gave Gon, especially in CAA, was selfless and pure. But since it was tainted by his feelings of worthlessness and his self loathing, I feel like he experienced a twisted form of agape. He wanted to be selfless and love unconditionally, but because of his trauma, it led to mania. So to me, the manifestation of agape in Killua’s story arc would be to have him experience it once again, like CAA, but without his self-sacrificing tendencies, because he’ll have learned philautia. He’ll love everyone around him with an agape type of love, a healthy way of loving, and will be provided with agape in return.

So imo, Killua will love and be loved in a healthy way, by everyone around him, including Gon. So you don’t have to worry ! He’ll come to learn how to love healthily and will definitely be loved in return, so that means he’ll be loved by Gon in the same way he loves him, I have no doubts about that.

i’m sorry my reply was so fucking lengthy for such a simple question HAHAHA it turned into a full blown essay but jkdnfkj YEAH !! those different types of love got me thinking... so i might make a proper post about it. 

ty for the ask !! 

[ghostiewriter]

Hi, hello. 👋 Classic overanalyzer over here, and in classic overanalyzer/overthinker style, my brain decided that at 12am it needed to recreate the story progression of Desiderium Ch4 in songs. Thought I’d share bc idk what else to do with this information.

1. Jealous by Nick Jonas

2. Talking Body by Tove Lo

3. Horns by Bryce Fox

4. Dazed and Confused by Ruel

5. Say Love by James TW

OMG BLESS YOUR HEART❤️WELL IN TRUE OVER-ANALYSER FASHION I SHALL PICK A PART THESE SONGS!!

ONE: JEALOUS BY NICK JONAS

“I don't like the way he's looking at you

I'm starting to think you want him too

Am I crazy? Have I lost ya?

Even though I know you love me, can't help it”

Okay but this part LITERALLY is Riven at the start of the chapter, seeing her with Sam most definitely placed some doubts in his head. He knows Musa is “with him” and they made their rules to the whole FWB relationship that they would only be with each other during the time, but the idea that Sam had her in a much more emotionally intimate and real relationship definitely put him on edge and rethink his place!!

“I wish you didn't have to post it all

I wish you'd save a little bit just for me

Protective or possessive, yeah

Call it passive or aggressive”

I think this part also screams some Riven vibes. He’s obviously aware that Musa had relationships before him (he definitely had some before her!) but I still think there’s something that particularly stings with Sam. He’s the complete opposite and even though she’s with Riven, it’s a way different relationship than the one she had with Sam. And I think seeing Sam come in and still be able to just talk to Musa in a way that possibly took him months to reach that level (in terms of emotional vulnerability) it definitely sparks that possessive spark in him. And I think that’s quite clear when he has that image of her on her knees, taking his cock in her mouth and such. She’s doing this with him, not Sam and it just fuels that possessiveness.

TWO: TALKING BODY BY TROVE LO

“Love, give me love

Anything you want I'll give it up

Lips, lips I kiss

Bite me while I taste your fingertips”

Definitely captures that desperation they are both feeling, that need to be around one another. And it really grabs onto that idea that they fully believe it’s a physical craving, that their bodies just want to touch again but there’s that wee thought gnawing at the back of their head that’s like “hey! guess what, this is more than a physical lust now!” And that’s just something they are kinda coming to terms with, but not completely aware of yet!

“Oh, now if we're talking body (Hey)

You got a perfect one

So put it on me

Swear it won't take you long

If you love me right

We fuck for life

On and on and on”

Once again, it’s definitely capturing that physical desire that runs between them. Riven’s need to find her in the library, the way Musa has her hands on him as soon as she can, the way the moment escalates pretty quickly. Being in denial, they fully believe it’s just a “let me use you as a distraction cause that’s what we’ve been doing for weeks” when in reality it’s more of a comfortable dependence they’ve found in each other, that willingness to be vulnerable around each other but they aren’t fully ready to accept that yet!

THREE: HORNS BY BRYCE FOX

“She's the fire in the sin

And I burn breathing her in

Now it's love suicide

And I sell my soul for the high

Truth be told, I don't mind

'Cause she is paradise

She can crush every hole

Got her heels stomping down my throat”

Okay but TELL ME this literally isn’t Riven’s inner monologue throughout the whole chapter. This boy is fucking whipped for Musa (even if he can’t admit it) and she’s literally got him wrapped around her finger. His relationship with her is deeper and so much more than anything he’s experienced, and in some terms it feels like the annihilation of his reputation and person he thought he was. This whole set up was just a way to physically relieve themselves and now he’s fallen in a way he never thought possible, and though the prospect is scary, he doesn’t even care. He would let her do anything she wished, would beg her even just because that’s how deeply he’s fallen for her.

FOUR: DAZED AND CONFUSED BY RUEL

“Oh, I've been dazed and confused

From the day I met you

Yeah, I lost my head

And I'd do it again

Either I've seen the light

Or I'm losing my mind

There's something 'bout you

That's got me dazed and confused”

I really feel like this wee section could be either of them, at this point. Both of them are totally rocked by the whole experience. Riven watching her take this risk for him, watching her tease him and drive him up the wall just has his mind reeling. Musa watching her get under his skin in a way no one else really has been able to, watching him come undone and flustered under her touch, she loves it. But the funny thing is that they both had these reactions from their first meeting, this isn’t a recent development, it’s just clearer.

“I bet you know just what you're doing

You're not the type that's used to losing

First, you build me up, then with just a touch

Leave me here in ruins

Something 'bout your eyes

I can't even walk in a straight line

Under the influence”

I mean, the literal meaning of this paragraph could be taken in the fact that Riven was obsessed with seeing her eyes tearing up, looking at him in such an innocent way while she was doing such a sinful act and it driving him wild. But I think it also represents his emotional availability to Musa. Yes, she can feel anyone’s emotions since that’s literally her power. But there’s a deeper understanding with the two of them, she has a way of seeing him properly in a way that no one else ever has been able to and it really knocks him off-course. She didn’t give up with him, not like everyone else had. She kept pushing and pushing through so that she could get through those walls and now he knows there’s no chance he could throw them back up with her.

FIVE: SAY LOVE BY JAMES TW

“Cause I opened my mouth

Now, we're both just sat in silence

Frozen by three little words

And there was something behind those eyes

That she was hiding

She said, "I don't want this to hurt"

I MEAN DOES THIS NEED AN EXPLANATION?? THIS IS LITERALLY THE ENDING OF THE CHAPTER, LIKE WOW THIS SONG FITS PERFECTLY!!!👀

“I'm not gonna run away

I'm not the type to leave you

On your own, on your own, all on your

I finally get what you're tryna say

Just don't say love, say love, say love, say love, no

I've heard that word misused a thousand times before

I know that we don't have to dive in

'Cause we got all of the time in the world

To say love, say love, say love, say love”

This kinda gives similar vibes to Musa’s perspective on that last wee bit of the chapter. Those words mean a lot, have so much meaning behind them. And she hates that she thought about it, but Riven’s reputation definitely flashed through her mind when those words slipped past his lips and I definitely think it plays hand-in-hand with her reasons of just leaving him in the library. So there’s a wee teaser for you👀

Also, nonnie, bless your heart for putting that much effort into an ask!! You’re a fucking godsend!❤️

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

[inumaqi]

top ten tagged by @linkspooky 🍊 explanations under the cut! sorry for rambling xo → rules: name your top ten favourite characters from ten different fandoms, and then tag ten people - @osomanga @kara-suno @anonimarevolts @zeninmaki @wildbishonen @shysheeperz @tkmewthyou @kaldurlenn @joxterism @marshmallowdonutsprinkles

snufkin okay so he’s the only one not from an anime or manga but i had to put him on bc he’s the most important fictional character to me, ever. i grew up watching the moomin cartoons in the 90s and thinking about it instantly calms me down - they used to air the episodes early in the morning when it would still be dark outside: the landscapes were moody and cosy, the characters were so softly spoken and articulate... it’s just peak nostalgia. anyway, snufkin is moomin’s best friend; he returns to moominvalley every year to be with his friends during the spring and says his goodbyes to go adventure again come winter. it upsets moomin when he leaves but snufkin is adamant that quiet and solitude are important and healthy, and it’s not fair to expect him to compromise on his independence - that made a really big impact on me as a kid, especially as someone who never really had their ‘own’ space (twinsies). relationships aren’t weakened by physical distance or time, they’re about communication and understanding. that was important too. i don’t think i realised just how influential it had been until i was an adult but snufkin is an anarchist. he first shows up in the comics when moomin and sniff are talking about opening a bank - he tells them they should plant fruit trees instead. he destroys private property and rescues orphans, he refuses to participate in things that don’t bring him joy. when he’s asked where home is, he replies, “nowhere. or everywhere! it depends how you look at it” - the whole world belongs to him, and the whole world belongs to everyone else too.

yomo renji in general, i like characters that trudge along in the background and do the nitty-gritty work that supports the main story. i like people like that irl too. more than anything else, yomo is desperate to form human connections, even though he’s shackled by self-doubt and self-loathing. he just wants to positively contribute to a community, thinking he’s most useful keeping a quiet eye on people who might need protection/guidance (while still giving them space to grow and act themselves) or foraging for human corpses so that others aren’t in danger or moral anguish doing it for themselves.

bird boy is a total weapon - “the perfect ghoul” - and you’re reminded over and over again but a lot of his growth is about rejecting violence and repurposing his power as something productive that he can use to help the people around him instead of hurting people (the yang to uta’s yin). in the first few chapters, he says he kills humans (he’s a ghoul, humans are food, it’s natural) and yet he’s consistently framed as a scavenger who seeks out ‘roadkill’ [suicide victims] for sustenance, even before coming to anteiku, and implements a system so other people can do the same.

suguru getou i was originally gonna say meg bc i love him but, having just finished The Flashback Arc, i can’t stop thinking about getou and i’m beyond impressed with how akutami has managed to ground him so well, so sympathetically. getou is the sick, warped darkness to the hopeful light that gojou commands but... in an uncomfortable twist, the reverse is true, kind of.

actually, gojou is arrogant and confrontational and hyper individualistic. he’s a dissident. getou is obedient, compassionate, self-aware... he has a sense of social responsibility and passionately believes that his skills should be used to protect those who can’t protect themselves - non-jujutsu sorcerers - and all of the suffering he endures as a result is worth that. idk if others are reading his downfall differently but, from where i’m standing, that overwhelming responsibility never goes away, he doesn’t give up on it - he just starts to view the social landscape differently and begins to see how jujutsu sorcerers are vilified and mistreated in spite of all the good that they do. the ‘weak’ aren’t really weak when they’re able to organise and assert collective power over a minority, and so his sympathies shift.

the nail in the coffin for getou is learning that the hurt and pain could be eradicted from the world by cutting the head of the proverbial snake: non-jujutsu users generate cursed energy, so get rid of non-jujutsu users and cursed energy won’t be generated. it’s all horribly, weirdly rooted in good intentions that weigh him down and misdirect him.  shinazugawa genya i feel like the bond that slowly starts to develop betwen tanjirou, and zenitsu and inosuke (in particular) is nicely foiled by genya’s lonely journey towards becoming a pillar. after losing almost all of his family and having sanemi walk away, genya is angry, antisocial, rude, violent, evasive...

he’s characterised as competitive, as if he hates his peers and wants to leave them in the dust as an act of self-satisfaction, a power fantasy or whenever, but this is a deliberate misdirection to cover for the fact that he’s scrambling to be a pillar so that he can reconnect with his brother and prove to him that he can protect himself; that sanemi doesn’t need to shoulder everything alone like he used to. his entire goal is an act of apology.

and in a story where so many characters are able to hone these exceptional skills, genya is uniquely disadvantaged as the only one who can’t master breathing techniques. rather than having a hero moment and powering up, his need to reconnect with sanemi is so strong that he essentially decides to compromise his humanity and become a kind of monster by ingesting the demons he’s pledged to annihilate. amajiki tamaki i wish i had a a longer explanation for this one but it’s actually super simple: tamaki is a really, really, really good portrayal of a person burdened with severe anxiety. the way he physically carries himself, the way he hides his face, his manner of speaking, his dependency on his mirio, how he interprets compliments as trickery, how he needs to be pushed and pushed and pushed before he’s finally able to release his potential... every single scene with tamaki felt deeply personal when i was reading bnha and i knew exactly what he was supposed to be feeling. shinmon benimaru sometimes good, nice people don’t fit a little friendly mould and i like that benimaru is hostile and rough and antisocial, even with people he cares about. he doesn’t expect anything of people, he doesn’t want them interfering with him, and he wants to help and support them all the same because he believes in community. he’s completely oppositional to the special fire force because he thinks it’s a tool to pursue an ideology rather than to protect people, which is why it’s so important when the eighth are finally able to win his approval - they become the only company the seventh consider allies, and it’s proof that their objectives are righteous. despite his reputation as... kind of a nuisance, his skill is acknowledged by everyone and he’s universally regarded as the strongest fire soldier there is. in spite of his antisocial attitude, he agrees that it’s important to share that with younger fire soldiers - he’s incredibly patient and understanding with them, helps them to individually adapt. the way he (and others in company seven) operate in contrast to the other companies when fighting infernals is really cool to me for two reasons: (1) it provides a commentary on how cultures and traditions often struggle to survive when they’re systematically (forcefully) replaced through power and wealth - although the subtext is a little troubling because it’s unclear whether ōkubo is conflating multiculturalism with globalisation which, uh, big nope; and (2) philosophically speaking, the approach to death is interesting. where the other companies essentially perform last rites and offer absolution to the deceased, benimaru personally takes responsibility - at the request of the people in his district - for sending them off in huge public display, kind of like a festival intending to celebrate their life. i think it speaks to how profoundly he values life. akihiko kaji i liked akihiko from the beginning because he’s stoic and introspective and also excitable and dumb. he’s a people watcher and waits for opportunities to softly guide uenoyama and mafuyu when they’re quietly crying out for help but doesn’t interfere any more than he thinks is necessary because he knows they can make their own way to where they need to go. i liked akihiko even more when he got really fucking messy. his relationship with ugetsu is sweet and it’s incredibly ugly and unhealthy because they both fail utterly to communicate with one another - they’re both to blame for avoiding and hurting each other, and i think that’s a really normal issue that people find difficult to overcome. i’m super interested (and really nervous) to see how his relationship with haruki develops. he’s done some horrible things to haruki and i want him to be accountable for those things and have them affect their relationship in a realistic way.

tanigaki genjirou one thing i really, really love about golden kamuy is the way noda satoru incorporates the importance of minority cultures into the story, and tanigaki’s apparent abandonment of his matagi heritage is really beautifully written. matagi hunting traditions shaped his life as a young man, it’s how he was able to really assimilate to the people around him and form relationships and - without getting too spoilery - he divorces himself from it all when he’s overcome by grief and hatches a plan for revenge against the person responsible. so, by allowing himself to surrender to negative feelings and thoughts instead of seeking support and learning to heal from what happened, he becomes a total shadow of himself. 

makimura takeshi i know i’ve gushed about it before but i can’t properly explain just how incredible it felt seeing an asexual character in manga dialogue about being asexual, and devils’ line does it twice. the reason i’m so attached to makimura in particular is because he doesn’t seem to have fully figured it out - and he’s kinda... comfortable with that. he wants to be with someone and he wants to be monogamous but he can’t understand why he doesn’t feel sexual desire towards her; he knows his feelings aren’t platonic but doesn’t know whether they can really be called romantic either.

not to go dark mode but i very vividly remember just how lonely and horrifying it was battling with those uncertainties when i was a teenager, thinking i was broken because i didn’t have Normal Human Feelings and needed to be fixed. i was so worried about it that i thought about all the boys i knew, picked the one i thought was the nicest and actively tried to develop a crush on him. it was dumb as fuck but, ten years later, i realise it was really desperate and sad too. i forced myself to have ~my first kiss~ (it was horrible) because i felt like i was getting left behind and i think i would’ve put myself in worse situations as i got older if i hadn’t suffered with such bad social anxiety.

i hadn’t really thought too much about a lot of this stuff for yeaaars but it all came flooding back when i was reading devils’ line. it was bittersweet bc i was remembering all of those shitty feelings but also watching this character grapple with those same questions and go: i don’t know yet and that’s not weird, let’s just grow with it. i still don’t totally know whether i’m ace or aro or bi, or whatever, but i’m trying to be okay with just... not knowing.

misora shuuji anyway, devils’ line isn’t actually a manga with a specific focus on sexuality and gender but shimanami tasogare is and all of the characters are written beautifully. if you haven’t read it yet... then why haven’t you read it yet? misora is only about twelve years old and watching them battle with their growing pains is really compelling - they’re closeted but, through the lounge, they have somewhere to explore their gender and all the questions they have about it. they’re amab and present as traditionally feminine wrt clothes, wigs, makeup, etc. but can’t quite tell if they see themselves as a girl, a boy or non-binary.

with the onset of puberty and anxieties about physical changes to their body, misora’s story puts a lot of emphasis on the pressure they face to just ‘make up their mind’ about something that’s actually incredibly complex and doesn’t have any easy answers. they snap and shout and get upset, especially when tasuku (the protag) tries to push them into a corner because he wants a concrete label or identity he can attach to misora, even though space is exactly what misora needs.