#idk where my self respect went but apparently it’s long gone

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for getting angry with my mom for trying to help me with my self-esteem?

Okay so I honestly have no idea if I’m the AH or not, bc I’ve come up with mental arguments for both. It’s nothing too serious, just something I’ve been wondering about for a while. The whole situation is just so weird that I’m throwing it to the courts of Tumblr.

To make a long story short, I (2XF) dislike being perceived just like… in general. I’m fine in private contexts but whenever I’m going out in public I’ll typically wear looser clothing, long sleeves, etc. There’s no particular trauma or anything for this, it’s just the way I’ve always been since I can remember.

Recently I told my mom (5X F) about my reasoning (don’t like to be looked at) and after a brief panic where she thought I meant someone was making me uncomfortable she understood that it’s just like. A general thing. I know it’s kind of weird but I thought that was it and moved on.

After that conversation started bringing home clothes for me that were more form-fitting, low cut, sheer, etc. I liked them and wore them around the house and when visiting friends but again, not in public. I didn’t think much of it bc she’d say things like “I bought this for myself but I don’t like how it looks on me, if you like it you can keep it” or “my friend was getting rid of this, do you want it?” but apparently she was actually buying these things. I didn’t think anything of it (before I knew she was buying the clothes) bc we do that sort of thing all the time, one of the things we bond over is secondhand searching and clothing swaps.

But one day she came back with a bikini. On one hand this was very thoughtful of her, bc she knew I was looking for a new swimsuit since mine had gotten all faded. On the other hand, my previous swim suit was a tennis skirt and a tee shirt so. It was a large departure from my norm.

I told her I wasn’t going to wear it. Eventually it escalated to an actual fight, and she ended up admitting that she was encouraged I was wearing the clothes she gave me regularly and was really worried about my self esteem. Specifically she said I “shouldn’t be ashamed of my body” and that wearing a bikini was “the next step”. Our argument went in circles and both if us walked away mad.

This remains unresolved but has since blown over.

On one hand, I think it’s AH behavior to try to force someone to change how they dress just bc you don’t agree with it, and to assign meaning to what they wear - in either direction! Clothes don’t equal consent but also. On the flip side. Just bc someone is layered it doesn’t mean they have some sort of body issues. I’m an adult, I can choose what I’m comfortable with, and if I’m not comfortable with a bikini then that should be that.

On the other hand, the way she tried to “help” was subtle and respectful, and tbh I know the whole “don’t perceive me” thing is weird so I get where she’s coming from and I don’t think I should’ve gotten so upset with her over it. And part of me says I should’ve just gone with it bc what’s the harm? If I felt uncomfortable then lesson learned, if not then maybe I’m “getting better”.

Idk man. I don’t think I should’ve yelled at her, but I also think it’s weird she brought it up in those terms. So *shrug* it’s up to ya’ll now

What are these acronyms?

[seriouslyseresin]

yelling at you as request: DO NOT TALK TO YOUR EX!!!!!!! (talk to me instead) WE DO NOT LEAVE DOORS OPEN FOR CONFUSING MFS TO COME AND MESS WITH OUR FEELINGS

ok too much yelling, so sending you some love as well 🫶🏻

bestie k please forgive me for my sins

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

[stardust-and-snickerdoodles]

Soft

fandom: Daredevil

pairing: Matt Murdock x plus size Reader

summary: requested by @morganofthecoves1​: Hello! I was wondering if you could do a matt Murdock x plus size reader with the prompt 5. “Can I hug you?” and/or 9. “Has she asked about me?”. Maybe reader is friends with Karen and Matt keeps on asking about her. Idk, something fluffy. There aren't enough X plus size reader fanfics for Matt out there. If you aren't comfortable with writing a plus size reader that's a-ok. Hope you have a good day!

warnings: fluff, some self-deprecating thoughts (but you’re learning to love yourself ❤️)

word count: 1879

a/n: i hope this is okay for you! i tried my best but it is my first time writing a plus size reader so please give me feedback!

Matt enters the office to the smell of coffee and the sound of Karen slamming her hand on the copy machine.

“Still having issues?” Matt asks with a smirk as he closes the door behind him.

Karen lets out a frustrated sigh. “Yeah. I thought that repair guy got it all figured out but apparently not.”

Matt goes to lean on Karen’s desk in the middle of the office. “Why don’t you ask Y/N about it?” he asks, feigning innocence. “I thought you said she’s pretty good with tech.”

Karen turns and crosses her arms over her chest. She can see right through Matt’s charade. “You’re just trying to get her back in the office,” she says, voice light with amusement.

Ever since you came in a few weeks ago to drop off lunch for Karen, Matt hasn’t been able to get his mind off you. Your voice fills his every waking thought, your laugh invades his headspace all day long. Matt wants to meet you again. He wants to hear your voice in person again.

He wants you. He hasn’t felt this way in a long time.

A fiery blush crawls up Matt’s cheeks. He senses the warmth and tilts his head down. “N-no,” he stammers, “I just want you to get the copier working.”

“Don’t lie to me, Matthew,” Karen says, taking a sip from her coffee. “She’s cute, nice; I get it. Plus, who knows… maybe she feels the same way.”

Matt perks up at this. “Has she asked about me?”

Karen rolls her eyes and laughs. “You’re like a lovesick puppy, ya know. It’s adorable.” She turns back to the copier and stares at the unruly machine for a moment. “Maybe I will call her though. If anyone can fix this thing, it’s Y/N.”

Matt doesn’t try to stop the smile that spreads across his face as he goes to his office.

…

It’s later that day when Matt hears the door to the main office open. Karen greets the new arrival in a friendly manner, making Matt guess that it’s one of her friends. And then he hears your voice again.

It has the same effect it did the first time he heard it. Matt’s heart stammers for a moment, struck by the perfect rhythm of your speech. It’s almost like you’re singing every word.

Matt takes a deep breath to calm himself and thinks about what he’s going to do. Is it too weird if he goes out to say hello? Is it rude if he doesn’t?

He’s about to stand up and go outside to greet you when he zones back in to the conversation you’re having with Karen.

“Where are they boys?” you ask, slightly amused. Matt can hear the slight expectancy in your voice and senses your heartbeat pick up minutely.

“Foggy went out to meet with a client; he should be back soon. And I think Matt’s still in his office,” Karen responds.

“Oh,” is your short response. Matt thinks he hears a bit of anticipation in your tone.

It’s now or never, he decides. Straightening his tie, he grabs his cane and makes his way over to the door.

The familiar scent of your lotion fills Matt’s senses and he unconsciously relaxes a little bit. You seem to have that effect on him: utter exhilaration at first and then peace soon after.

“Hello Y/N,” he says, turning toward you as he enters the room.

“Hi, Matt,” you answer shyly, wrapping your arms around yourself.

There’s something so pure about you. Matt doesn’t need to have vision to see that you’re gorgeous, despite the waves of insecurity you send into the world. Matt wishes he could take all that self-doubt away from you. He wishes he could make you see what he sees. How the air swirls around you and shows him the gentle swell of your hips, how the temperature around your face grows warmer when he smiles at you.

He wishes you’d unwrap your arms from around your stomach. He wants to take in all of you, but it seems you only want to cover yourself. How can you not see that you are so unimaginably lovely?

He thinks this a small tragedy and makes it his mission to show you your beauty.

“How are you?” he asks politely, stepping closer to you and resting his hands over top his cane.

You shrug, holding yourself tighter as he grows near. “I’m okay. Yourself?”

“Better now that you’re here,” Matt smirks, ever the flirt. But even this smooth line can’t soothe the nerves he feels around you.

Karen rolls her eyes. “Get a room,” she mumbles jokingly, stepping behind her desk and shuffling some papers. “Or better yet, Y/N, why don’t you help me with the copy machine? You know, the reason you’re here?” Karen gives you a pointed look. She wants nothing more than to see you happy; she knows how much you’ve struggled lately.

You nod hesitantly, glancing back at Matt once more. “Uh, yeah, sure Karen,” you murmur, watching Matt go back into his office.

A few hours later, you’ve finally figured out the mystery of the copy machine. The sun is setting in a blaze of red behind the skyline. Foggy left a couple minutes ago but Matt has yet to reemerge from his office.

You announce your victory of the copier to Karen, who high-fives you and offers to split a cab to your respective apartments.

“Oh, n-no,” you stumble, “that’s okay. I was hoping to talk to Matt about something actually.”

Karen doesn’t look quite as surprised as you thought she would. In fact, she almost looks like she expected you to answer the way you did. “Alright. Get home safe, Y/N,” she states as she waves and leaves the office.

You watch the door close with a click and suck in a deep breath. This is your chance. There’s no one else here. You can finally tell Matt how you feel.

You’ve had a crush on Matt ever since that first time you saw him when you brought lunch for Karen. He had been so kind and sweet to you.

A small thought objects in the back of your brain. He only likes you because he can’t see you.

You subconsciously bring your arms around yourself, looking down at your figure. You’re not exactly a model, but you’ve been learning to accept yourself for who you are. But trying to get others to accept you? A whole different ballgame.

You were lucky to have a friend like Karen. She was one of the only people who saw you as more than your body. Sure, you had good friends before, but ultimately, they all moved on when they found better people or boyfriends. Most of your friends had settled down already. You and Karen were some of the few to not be romantically involved, and you were grateful for the sweet secretary.

And of course, it was because of Karen that you were introduced to Matt.

The sound of Matt’s office door closing draws you out of your thoughts. You’d almost forgotten that you’re standing in the open and that he’s just one room over. You turn to face him guiltily, still holding your arms close to your body.

“Y/N? What are you still doing here?” Matt asks. “It’s late; you should be getting home.”

Of course, Matt had overheard your earlier conversation with Karen, but he can’t let you know that.

You hum and look anywhere but his face. “I just, um, wanted to talk to you. About… stuff.” You mentally kick yourself for being so illiterate with your speech but Matt doesn’t seem to care.

He leans his cane against the wall and steps toward you. “Of course. What’s going on?”

You step backward and lean against the desk, trying to put more space between the two of you. “I just… I don’t know, I thought you’d like some company. Maybe.”

Matt senses how you move away from him every time he tries to get closer, so he stops moving and stays where he is. Your heart is beating wildly, but it relaxes minutely when he stops approaching. “Thank you,” he says sincerely. “I appreciate that.”

There’s an awkward pause before Matt speaks again. “Are you… are you okay?” he asks, hesitating for a moment. “You seem nervous.”

You blush, looking at the floor. “I really like you,” you murmur without thinking.

The corners of Matt’s lips curve up slightly. Before he can respond, you begin rambling, your words all coming out in one breath.

“But I totally understand if you don’t feel the same way or if you already have a girlfriend or something. Because how could someone like you be single? Yeah, I mean you probably have loads of girls pining over you already so I don’t even know why I’d even mention that. Plus, you’re so, I mean, wow, you’re gorgeous and I’m all, all, I don’t know, all soft or whatever and not even anywhere close to your level. So, I totally get it. I’m going to go now.” You blurt out the last sentence and begin speed-walking toward the door.

Before you even make it a couple steps, Matt catches your arm. You stiffen and turn to face him, trying to ignore the burning of unfallen tears in your eyes. He’s removed his glasses and his face carries the most admiration you’ve ever seen.

“Stay,” he whispers. “Please.”

You relax and he releases your arm from his grip. He tries to meet your eyes as best he can.

“Can I hug you?” The words are gentle, not demanding. Just a simple, innocent request.

You battle your mind for a moment, trying to come up with a decision. You don’t like people touching you, afraid they’ll find all those curves and bumps that make you insecure sometimes. But at the same time, there’s nothing you want more than Matt’s arms around you.

“Yeah,” your voice breaks and Matt notices that the sing-song quality is gone from your tone.

He pulls you toward him and envelopes you in his arms, keeping his grip light so that you can pull away if you want. You inhale the scent of his cologne, closing your eyes and trying to calm yourself.

“You’re beautiful,” Matt murmurs, stroking a hand through your hair.

You sniffle a bit, not trying to stop the smile that overtakes your lips.

Matt gives you a gentle squeeze and continues to speak, “And I don’t have a girlfriend.”

You pull away slightly and look up at him. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Oh.” You press yourself back against his chest.

Matt chuckles and rubs his hands up and down your arms. “You’re so gorgeous, Y/N. Anyone would be lucky to have you. I just hope they know they’ll have to go through me first.”

Your smile grows and you close your eyes, doing your best to keep this moment ingrained in your memory. “Seriously?” you mumble.

“Absolutely.” Matt’s voice rumbles in his chest, sending chills through you.

Throwing caution to the wind, you allow yourself to relax and say, “I suppose you do have a girlfriend now, Matt.”

“I suppose I do,” he chuckles. “And I wouldn’t want anyone else.”

>>>

tags: @aspie-allie​

[volucris-liga]

Okay, the book came out in February so it’s been long enough that i assume anyone who cares about spoilers for Pathfinder’s Quest has already obtained Pathfinder’s Quest, and i have a lot of Excited Thoughts to share so I’m rereading the last chapter and writing some notes. I’ll still put it under a Read More in case anyone is still avoiding spoilers for it, but I figured it’s safe to post now at least.

The majority of this post is probably gonna be about Ash.

This post is also probably very long.

Anyway. Let’s go:

First of all, the Project Iris story stuff starts in 2658. Since the current year is 2733 (maybe 2734 by now? idk) and Horizon came back 87 years after she was left at the black hole, that means she disappeared in 2646-ish. So this is around 12 years after Horizon was lost.

Since the last chapter mentions that Project Iris had been around for 15 years, I went back to Horizon’s chapter to confirm that it was already technically Project Iris before she left (it was, yes), and found this bit: 

“Lilian set me up with a laboratory on Olympus to test my theories and find a solution to the crisis. I brought my whole family there… I miss them.” 

She specifically is talking about more people than just her son. I’m so curious about who Newton’s father is lol, and why it’s only Newton that we see in her Story From the Outlands and the rest of her lore.

Okay now I’m finding more stuff in Horizon’s chapter, i’m glad i went back to reread this too.

“Years and years went by with nothing. Financiers were getting impatient; Lilian was kind about it, but I knew even she was doubting in me. My own assistant thought I was failing.” 

Whiiich means before they discovered Branthium, Reid already had sort of an antagonistic thing toward Horizon and didn’t trust that she could succeed at the project (though, as seen shortly, Horizon didn’t realize how bad it was). I’m guessing she was resentful that Horizon was getting all the recognition for the project and she was always seen as her assistant, not an equal scientist on the project. 

And then there’s this bit:

Horizon: “My assistant, Dr. Reid, joined me on my mission.” Path: “The one who thought she was better than you?” Horizon: “Aye. Didn’t know it then, though. She was a good friend. We were close. Came to dinner with my family. Even babysat my son a few times. That’s why it’s so hard to ken what happened…”

Oof. I’ll come back to this point later; there’s some stuff about Newton in the last chapter that’s important. 

As a side note, I think Horizon didn’t know a lot of the people in Project Iris, and most of them were recruited after she was already gone -- she’s not able to tell Pathfinder much about the group that actually solved the energy crisis. 

Anyway, moving on. I appreciate that Reid’s first name is Ashleigh, lol, makes sense why she’s called Ash as a simulacrum later.

I really like that even in this storyline there’s connections to the other legends -- Wattson’s grandmother, Amélie Paquette, and Gibraltar’s grandfather, Aleki Gibraltar, are both on the team. There’s a bunch of other scientists as well, but as far as I can tell they’re all new for this lore with no prior connections. 

There’s a scene where yet another experiment with refined Branthium fails, and Reid calls out Amélie for it -- “Your plan was wrong from the start. I pointed that out, must have been, twenty times?” Reid is clearly quick to judge others’ ideas and shut people down (and has been all along, like when she thought Horizon would fail before the discovery of Branthium). Reid and Amélie also reeeeeaaallly don’t get along. 

There’s this exchange:

‘“Excuse me? And what have you done, Reid?” Paquette pressed, moving face to face with Reid. “Besides stand by and critique our every move while ze rest of us do all ze work. Is zis how you treated Somers?”  “You’re not half the scientist she was.” Reid smirked.’

Even though she was resentful of Horizon, enough so to betray her, she did apparently respect her more than she does the rest of this group, which i think is interesting. She also just… really hates Amélie.

And then there’s Newton!!! aaaaa!!! I love that he’s an intern for the group now that he’s a teenager. And his personality is adorable. 

Newton finds something that none of the rest of them saw, which is that someone needs to be in the refinery to continuously recalibrate the process. Which is impossible. Aaaand then it’s Reid, of all people, who comes up with the idea to reprogram a MRVN robot to do it. Which is painfully ironic, given what happens later.

While they’re trying to figure out how to actually do the MRVN thing, Reid mentions that she has contacts at Hammond Robotics. I’m assuming Hammond are the ones who eventually rebuild her as a simulacrum (though for all I know that’s been confirmed somewhere and I’ve forgotten. I have trouble keeping all the corporations and factions straight in my head, and i’ve barely played any Titanfall, rip). They’re definitely the ones who made Revenant (which has already happened by this point in the lore). 

All the scientists putting part of their personality into Pathfinder is just so good. Especially cause of Newton; I love that it’s Newton’s influence that has Path being so friendly to everyone. Please give us in-game voicelines between Horizon and Pathfinder next season, now that Pathfinder knows Newton was one of his creators.

Aaaand here we go, stuff about Newton. Reid obviously helped raise him after his mom was gone. I wonder if she ever felt guilty about what she did to Horizon? A few interactions that Hurt:

‘Paquette paused and looked at the MRVN. “He’s our fail-safe.”  “Whatever… I’ve got other work to do. Let me know when you’re done fooling around,” Reid huffed as she stormed out of the lab.  “Should I go after her?” asked Newton. “She seems sad.”’

-

‘“A lot of what I have to offer is what my mom had, and I think most of that’s already in here, but there’s one thing that was always important to Mom: she loved her friends. It’s important to me, too. You’re all my friends. But especially you, Dr. Reid.” Newton looked over at her. “You were always there for my mom. Just like this MRVN is going to be there for the Outlands.” Reid did her best to smile, but it ended up as more of a quick nod.  “Thanks,” she said hesitantly.’

I appreciate that Amélie is suspicious of what happened to Horizon. Like, Reid managed to fool most people, but not everyone.

‘As Stay started to pack up the tools, Paquette joined her. “I’m assuming you added some precautions to ze program in case anything was to ‘appen,” she whispered. “He can’t be hacked, if that’s what you’re askin’, P,” Stay assured her as she packed away a welder. “Zat’s not what I’m talking about.” Paquette’s expression showed a deep look of concern and hesitation. “You really don’t trust her, do you?” “Do you? Somers was ze best astrophysicist in ze entire Frontier. It doesn’t make any sense what happened to her. Ze stories don’t add up. I just want to make sure we cover all our bases.”’

More of Ash’s voicelines from the Broken Ghost quest! I thiiiiink this is almost all of them covered now, if not all?

Path says “Who doesn’t like ice cream? Every kid likes ice cream!” when he first wakes up.

Delgado says “All roads lead to Branthium!”

Reid herself says “Fail-safe, fail-safe, who’s got the fail-safe?” during the whole big Thing at the end.

When Reid betrays everyone to try to divert the first Branthium shipment through the Phase Runner to the IMC, both she and Newton disappear from the party first. And she and Amélie have this conversation:

“I knew it. I knew it from ze start. You killed her, didn’t you?” “I did nothing.” “Yeah, right. You killed Somers. You put yourself before every innocent life in ze Outlands.” “Innocent life? Please. The Outlands are filled with nothing but war and greed. No one cares for anyone but themselves. I’m just playing the game.” “Have you told zat to Newton? Where is he?” “He’s not a part of this. Not anymore. I took care of him. Right now, it’s just us.”

So Newton’s fate is a bit uncertain. I’m guessing she got him out of there to save him, actually, which I think is really interesting. 

Anyway, Reid then cuts off Amélie’s hand with a sword cause deactivating the lockdown requires two of the scientists to authorize it. Which I guess explains why Amélie’s arm is in a sling in Pathfinder’s Story From the Outlands video. 

Pathfinder had managed to get out, so Amélie’s able to set the lab to self-destruct with his help. Path’s able to fight the mercenaries and Reid and get to the Phase Runner. And then there’s this that Reid says to Pathfinder:

“No one is your friend. You’re a machine. Nobody cares about machines. Nobody loves machines. You’re no different than that Phase Runner. You’re a MRVN. We use you and turn you off when we’re done. You’re nothing.”

There’s probably a lot she has to work through when she ends up as a simulacrum, oof. 

She almost stops Path, but then gets stabbed in the back with her own sword by Amélie, which is fitting. The mercenaries Reid was working with are attacking so it’s basically impossible for the scientists to escape, but Pathfinder’s able to program the Phase Runner to send the Branthium to all the various Outlands planets instead. And, at their request, to send himself through as well before the self-destruct (and he then eventually wakes up with amnesia). aaaaaa this is so sad

“I don’t want to say goodbye. You’re my friends. I’d be sad without my friends.” “You’ll never be without us. You’ll never be alone.”

I’m assuming that after the explosion, Reid’s body was found and turned into Ash. Also everything about the season 6 comics is so ironic now help. After Hammond Robotics get what they need from her after the Legends find her head, she’s just left behind somewhere deactivated, and Pathfinder finds and rebuilds her. And she has no memory (until Blisk shows up, anyway). So like, it was her idea to create him, and then he completely ruins her plans which leads to her death, and then he saves her life later. Great. When she had no memory and was living with him he called her his girlfriend and everything, he’s gonna be so sad when he finds out who she is, rip.

There’s this bit of dialogue in the intro conversation for the chapter:

Path: “I can’t be weak and the person who killed the people who saved the Outlands.” Blisk: “Heh. Very true, mate. That’s why it wasn’t you.” Path: “Are you sure? How do you know?” Blisk: “Pretty damn sure, because I know ‘em.” Path: “You know my creator?” Blisk: “I know who killed your creator. Or, well… creators.”

This implies that Blisk is fully aware of Ash’s history. Makes sense, and I assumed as much anyway, but given the season 6 comics that means he also absolutely knows that Pathfinder knew Ash and he’s purposefully not telling Pathfinder that Reid and Ash are the same person.

There’s also this part at the end of the chapter:

Blisk: “Oi! One more thing… Did you ever find…? Eh. Forget it.” Path: “What? Did I ever find what?” Blisk: “Actually, I, uh…” Path: “Tell me! Is there more to the story than what was on the chip?” Blisk: “Just one small detail. But why don’t you turn that recorder off. This one’s just between us, eh?” Path: “Okay. You’ll tell me after I turn it off--”

Now, my first thought when first reading this was that it was gonna be about Ash. But I’m sure it’s not, cause in Pathfinder’s last log entry after that he’s very happy and optimistic about finding his creators, and he would have been affected by finding out that Reid was the same person as his missing ‘girlfriend.’ Sooooo I’m still 1) very curious about what Blisk talked about after the recording and 2) very excited for whenever Path finds out the truth about Ash.

On a related note, I am so ready for Horizon finding out about Ash. And to a lesser extent, if Wattson finds out about her grandmother’s role in what happened and her history with Ash (also Gibraltar about his grandfather, but anyway). I’m assuming Ash would know they’re related to her former team, since she’s working for Blisk and likely would know all the basic info about all the legends, including real full names. So Ash interacting with Wattson would be interesting, especially at a point where Ash knows who she is but Wattson doesn’t know about Ash’s history.

Also depending on how things develop with Ash and the other Legends, it’s interesting to think about Loba’s perspective, since it’s technically her fault Ash is back at all. I wanna see a conversation between her and Horizon cause Horizon wasn’t around for the Broken Ghost stuff. Plus, Loba agreed to get everyone to go get the components that turned out to be Ash’s head because in exchange she’d be given the location of Revenant’s source code. With Loba later deciding to send the source code away as revenge instead of killing Revenant, her need for revenge on him is definitely gonna come back to bite her later, now that Revenant’s resolved to destroy everything she loves (maybe he goes after Bangalore?). Horizon’s still definitely very angry at Reid, probably even more so if/when she finds out what Reid did to the Project Iris team, and when she finds out Reid is Ash, well… both she and Loba certainly have strong vendettas against the two simulacrums lol. It’d be neat, though unlikely, if there’s a plotline where Loba ends up facing consequences from the Revenant thing and then because of her own experience she convinces Horizon not to go too far trying to get revenge on Ash.

Oh right there’s also the question of Newton’s messages to Horizon near the end of season 7. He’s still a little kid in those, even in the last one where a future Horizon who got back to him has sent a message to herself. And obviously, that didn’t happen -- Newton’s there, as a teenage intern for Project Iris, and the characters mention his mom being dead multiple times. Soooo then what’s the deal with the messages? I’m thinking there are three options: 1) Horizon eventually going back in time creates an alternate timeline/dimension 2) those messages are for/from a Horizon and Newton in another dimension entirely (look, the Phase Runner is weird, Wraith’s tech is weird, etc.) oooorrrr 3) the messages were faked somehow and are connected to Ash -- some of her voicelines in the Broken Ghost quest were the codes for those messages. 

In conclusion: a a a a a a a a a a

[kitten-keith]

Horrid Self Indulgence

Wrote this long thing and now it’s gone cause I posted it to the wrong account and copy paste didn’t work so /fuck me/ anyway.

The whole following fic is purely self indulgent garbage, thus the name (it’s even called this in my google docs because I HAD A PLAN for what I was doing and it was supposed to be insanity) though as usual things get derailed and Idk. I had wanted to get into the hijinks of this concept but lost steam after starting the second bit. But the first bit can stand alone. ish. I guess.

Idk. It’s all completely ridiculous though so idk have fun.

Klance, slightly intoxicated, sharing a bed, Keith is uncomfortable AF and Lance is trying to be chill about it. Weird head shit and accidental rituals. You’ll see. Seriously. Horrid self indulgence.

-----

It was a pleasant moment between comrades that went horribly, heinously, horrifically wrong. 

And if that’s what bonding with Keith friggin Kogane gets him then absolutely not, never again.

It was such a simple stupid fuck up. How was he supposed to know?!

They were at a dinner, stumbling awkwardly through an alien planets customs, trying unsuccessfully to pretend they were okay with the garbs they’d been forced to wear and that the food didn’t make them nauseous when Lance had made the biggest mistake ever and looked at Keith. 

See, because he was the leader his attire had to display this-this—nobility. And god, Keith was anything but noble. He was sitting to the right of the planet’s leader, Allura across from him, and he looked like they might as well have sat him at the kids table with how his brows furrowed and he looked at the ground like he was trying not to cry.

His face was red enough to match the silk scarf loosely clinging to his shoulders and his thumbs rubbed absently over his ungloved hands. He was bare aside from the scarf and a darker one wrapped around his waist for modesty that he’d had to fight for. Apparently this planet had no concept of an external penis or whatever and needed to be educated on human biology before they gave in to Keith’s demands. 

The whole thing was about respect, leaving yourself bare to show you had nothing to hide, but to remind everyone of his station the locals had him decked out in jewels from head to toe. They were braided into his hair, dangling from thin chains across his chest, Lance was positive there was some sort of jeweled sandal decorating his tiny delicate toes too. 

(And not because he paid attention to that sort of thing. Just. Ya know. Shiny shit.) 

Allura was actually dressed about the same though being a woman with no external penises she was actually way nakeder than Keith. And, as she was a full on princess they’d given her a whole slew of silver that had strategically covered all necessary bits that Lance’s mother might have flinched at. 

Not that Allura seemed to give a fuck in the slightest and even seemed to enjoy it as she spoke animatedly to the world leaders, the jewels on her body making small clinking noises with every movement. 

Lance had spotted perfect (and he means perfect) dark nipples exactly 16 times since they’d all sat down to their meal and absolutely couldn’t take it anymore so that was when he’d turned his attention to Keith. 

And somehow had been unable to turn away from him since.

The other Paladins were stripped some and given a few shiny baubles. Lance himself was wearing flowy pants slit up the sides over the dark boxers he’d thankfully been allowed to continue wearing. A couple gold plated necklaces and an arm band and he was good to go. Lance has no issue being topless and actually kinda liked the style. Hunk was a bit more uncomfortable, same pants, same boxer treatment (his were white with yellow suns on them, Lance clapped him on the back for unintentionally matching.) 

Hunk had the same kind of jewelry too but try all he might he couldn’t drop his hands from where they were wrapped around his chest.

He said he was cold repeatedly but lance figured he was just self conscious and offered him plenty of wolf whistles back in their dressing rooms because “man hunk you wanna bench press me later cause those arms are making me weak~!” 

But sadly it didn’t seem to work. 

Pidge was an interesting sell. Same bottom situation in her signature green but she’d also managed to get away with a pair of socks that she was no longer wearing on her feet.

They were providing just a hint more cover for her chest after she’d wrapped Lance’s, Hunks’s, and her own scarf around herself like a makeshift halter top. The locals hadn’t liked it and Allura had tried to explain that female breasts were nothing to be ashamed of but Pidge’s size and thus assumed age had granted her the “let the child be” excuse. 

And sure, Lance was a grown man who was all for equality and free the nipple and aaallll that jazz but if they had forced his pseudo baby sister to go topless he might have lost his absolute shit and gotten them all sent back to the castle. 

Not that that would have been the worst thing at this point because then he wouldn’t be staring at Keith like this— to avoid staring at Allura! Of course— and then he wouldn’t have gotten elbowed in the side by the Pidgeling and gotten the funny look from Hunk and nah man okay. 

Lance wasn’t ogling the leader of voltron. 

He wasn’t. 

He was just. 

Uh. 

Worried about him. 

Yeah, that’s right. Worried. 

Which was what lead him to follow Keith’s retreating form the second they were allowed to adjourn for the night. 

It’s what compelled him to bump his shoulder and wave a hand in greeting. 

And maybe that pout had something to do with Lance’s laughing, throwing his arm over his shoulders, and ushering him to his room for the night. 

“Come on dude, I've got something for you, stashed from that one planet with the abomination? You know the one… Kell? Krell? It’s good okay, better than what they just tried to feed us. Take the edge off.” 

Take the edge off. 

Famous last words? 

Keith groaned and wrapped his arms around himself tightly but nodded and willingly turned off course from his own room. Lance wondered if this was so easy because he’d been so beaten down by the day or because he actually found solace in Lance’s company. 

He didn’t have the nerve to ask and instead simply sauntered into his room, leaving Keith to stand idly by the newly shut door. 

“It tastes better than nunville but it’s a little stronger so you’re gonna wanna sip at it okay?” 

Keith nodded but his eyes looked glassy, like he wasn’t actually listening. 

Lance moved to his temporary rooms vanity setting and shuffled through his bottles of toiletries. When they’d decided to indulge the locals in their customs and stay a few nights basking in their hospitality Lance had been told to pack quickly but he hadn’t forgotten anything important. This included the little silver pouch that he’d somehow barely touched since keeping it with him all this time. 

He opened the pull top with his teeth to take a small sip before offering it to Keith who was still standing right against the door as if he was afraid to move. Considering how loose the scarf around his waist looked, he might have been. 

He did look… good though. 

Remarkably so. 

Amidst the finery and the sheer and silk fabrics, his hair in a loose braid over one shoulder and that almost permanent flush across his cheeks, he was beautiful and adorable and stunning all at once and it was doing ridiculous things to Lance’s chest. He almost regretted taking the sip that he did because he worried about what he might let slip aloud, looking at Keith like that, but as the alien substance travelled down his throat and warmed his body he kept his wits. He felt the buzzing under his skin but retained his sense. He was here to offer Keith a moment to relax. Nothing more.

He walked over to Keith and instead of handing him the pouch he resealed it and held it softly under one arm as he reached out with both hands for Keith’s waist. 

Keith flinched so hard his back hit the door, “what are you doing?!”

Lance rolled his eyes, pushing closer and grabbing on to the scarf around his waist tugging and tightening it for him. 

“Looked like you were having trouble.”

Keith’s flush was so hot Lance could practically feel it.

Poor thing. 

“Right… thanks…” he stayed against the door but took the pouch when Lance offered it. 

Lance turned to walk over to his bed and make himself comfortable and by the time he turned his attention back to Keith the boy was swallowing.

“You remembered what I said about that stuff being hard hitting… right?”

Keith shrugged.

Took another sip. (This one looked more like a sip at least. Maybe Lance wouldn’t have to carry him back to his room later.)

He sealed the stopper and looked around the room briefly before walking in the straightest line imaginable to sit on the foot of Lance’s bed, holding the pouch out to him again. 

Lance considered it, wondering if it would help or hinder his case to not make a fool of himself with Keith looking like that and decided why not. Besides, he could pace himself, unlike some people. 

When he finished taking his last sip, feeling the warmth and the contentment sitting in his stomach as he leaned back on his elbows on his bed, he hummed to himself and shut the top, putting it to the side. 

Keith shuffled around so his back was to the bed post and he placed his hands over his lap uncomfortably.

“So uh. Was—was that it?”

“Chill Keith. You’ve been looking so tightly wound today I figured you could use a break.” 

Keith visibly paled and moved to curl in on himself but thought better of it. His thumbs started to track back and forth over his fingers though. Bad sign. 

“Relax!” Lance demanded, stretching the vowel sounds to make it more playful. 

Keith neglected to heed this order and instead looked away. 

“Look, I doubt it’ll cause any problems, everyone knows their customs made you uncomfortable. Here, if you want you can go ahead and get under the covers.” Lance reached behind him and pulled up the bed sheets. It would help his own situation too. Cover Keith and that pretty skin of his up. Put that beautiful body away because his own was starting to get ideas he didn’t need. 

He remembered Allura looking just as beautiful if not more so and it helped for a second to feel better mentally but he was still fighting not to be turned on next to half naked (that was being generous) Keith. 

“That might actually be… are you sure? I could just— leave. I could leave.”

Lance rolled his eyes. 

“Would you chill if you left or would you stay up all night worrying about the kinds of impressions you’re leaving?”

Keith was silent. His thumb disappeared behind his pointer to dig his little blunt nail into his middle. 

“Get in the bed. Let me tell you stories.” 

Keith’s eyes lit up at that and for a moment he started forward to crawl across the bed toward where the sheets were up, but he stopped himself again. 

Lance sighed.

“Feeling exposed?”

Keith nodded.

“You know we showered together back at the garrison right? I’ve seen you naked. Completely naked. And lathered.”

Of course, this was before Lance’s full sexual awakening and before Keith had filled out like he did with those abs and thighs for days but uh— that wasn’t a necessary addition to the conversation it just wasn’t. 

Keith still flushed like a tomato and it made Lance’s little traitorous heart do a flip.

“Right right. I forget you didn’t even remember me from the garrison.” Lance offered sardonically, trying to shift the mood. 

Keith bit his lip. Man, even that looked good. Lance wanted to bite that lip. He could just see it. Lip to lip with Keith Kogane groaning out. Lance’s hand on his shoulder pushing him back on the bed, the other reaching beneath him to get a nice big handful of that round perky ass—

Okay. 

Okay maybe Keith shouldn’t get under the covers. 

Maybe he should leave. 

He should leave. 

He should—

Keith started to mumble something when Lance turned away and shut his eyes. 

“Alright you have ten seconds, go on princess.”

It was silent for a moment. 

Lance squeezes his eyes shut tightly because this was the exact opposite of what he was supposed to be doing.

“10.” 

But he was doing it.

“9”

There was the sound of Keith shuffling behind him, pulling up the sheets more and crawling into bed. He was getting comfortable by the time Lance reached 3 and Keith spoke up telling him he could stop. 

Lance nodded and turned around so he could face Keith, continue conversations, see if he could find a relevant story in his brain about his family or something simple back home that would help Keith unwind. 

Instead he was struck a bit dumb by Keith snuggled under his (always color coded) blue bed sheets, his inky black hair splayed out on the pillow. Lance had always thought Keith’s eyes were this remarkable shade of blue but surrounded by all the blue in his bed Lance realized he was wrong. They were clearly more of a violet, wide and staring at him under lashes that were too long and too elegant for a guy who made a living kicking furry alien chinchillas in the face.

And with that thought came the image of Keith kicking ass, those muscle toned legs under skin tight space suits…

Now basically bare and in his bed. 

Naked. 

Naked Keith in his bed. 

Naked Keith in his bed staring at him expectantly like— like—

Right. Right he was waiting for a story. 

Okay. 

Lance flopped onto his side, too close to Keith but in an effort to remain comfortable and casual it had to be done, and went back to racking his mind for an idea that didn’t involve pressing his body as close to Keith’s as physically possible. 

Something jingled as he went down and he remembered the abundance of jewels that had been decorating Keith’s body. 

There were still a few left in his hair that he seemed to not care about but it looked like the little jeweled sandals were there, as were the ones that had decorated his arms.

It took him a second but Lance scooped them up and put them on the bedside table before getting comfortable again. 

“Oh okay so, let me tell you about the time my big sister Veronica brought home the biggest stupidest “boyfriend” she could find…” 

Lance could see Keith smile just beneath the blanket. 

He reached out and started to pick the jewels out of Keith’s hair as he spoke, occasionally running his fingers through it. If Keith had a complaint he didn’t voice it. Besides, just because it was styled stupid didn’t make it any less soft.

By the time Lance got to the big reveal of the story, the part where Veronica had hired the guy to piss off their dad over an argument they’d had about Veronica’s openness to bringing a girlfriend home (maybe, in the future), Keith had completely knocked out.

And for some reason, Lance thought that was alright.

They could totally just. Sleep in the same bed. No problem.

With Keith wearing nothing but a silk scarf.

He thought this was a perfectly good idea as he showered and put on a fresh pair of boxers and crawled under his sheets to the sound of Keith’s light breathing.

He was a little dizzy, but forgot that the biggest after effect of inebriation was poor judgement, and easily curled up next to Keith.

Keith, who was just awake enough to take Lance’s hand.

Lance thought it was adorable.

Because Keith was adorable. 

And Lance wanted to be touching his skin like this (sort of) anyway.

It worked for him. 

He was sleepy too.

So sleepy he lapsed almost instantly into dreams.

Dreams of Allura dancing just out of his reach. Of her nonchalance at his flirting and efforts to be noticed by her. Making him feel useless. Undesirable. Unworthy.

He was so pathetic.

Keith’s voice was in his head. 

Telling him how kind he was. How sweet he was.

“I couldn’t do any of this without you Lance.”

“I need you.”

“I hope you know that. I hope you know that—if you could see yourself how I see you…”

“Lance you’re so…”

“I want…”

“I wish…”

Keith was at his side. Mumbling those nothings into his ear in little breathy sighs. 

It felt nice. 

It was nice to hear. 

Nice to feel Keith pressing in beside him.

“I wish you could see what I see in you… love yourself as much as I do...Lance, I…”

Well this was awfully self indulgent of him. Dreaming of a Keith who would say those kinds of things. As if the real Keith capital L Loved him. 

Like Lance hadn’t spent years trying to get his attention the same way he had with Allura too. 

As if he hadn’t gotten shot down with every attempt to—

“I liked you then too! I was just… afraid to let anyone in…”

“Liar, you didn’t even remember me.”

“That was the lie…”

“That was…?”

“You were so cute… always trying so hard… always going the extra effort to make people smile or laugh… I always thought you were…”

“You liked me back at the garrison? Like... one smoothie two straws, like-like…?”

Keith turned away, rolling onto his side. Face probably flushed a deep crimson again. Man he was so cute…!

“Like write your name in my notebook with a bunch of hearts, like-like… yeah.”

Extremely self indulgent dream. 

But Lance was gonna take it.

He squeezed himself close to Keith’s body, wrapping an arm around his chest as Keith jumped.

“And now you…?”

“Now I…”

It was silent. 

Lance tried to ignore how perfectly Keith’s ass cheeks felt pressed to his crotch.

He felt naked.

Naked Keith in his bed. Saying all these pretty hopeful things...What a perfect dream…

Lance gently bumped his hips. He couldn’t help it, and it was his dream after all right?

Keith was silent, but reached a hand back to slide down Lance’s waist, breathing loud.

Was that how Lance’s mind worked? Show me a love confession followed by an immediate bone. 

Lance’s wet dreams were clearly things of substance.

“Do you love me?”

He bumped his hips again. His dick hardening fast.

Keith’s fingers dug into Lance’s boxers, applying just enough pressure to drive him forward, keep him pressed to his ass.

“I do… do you…?”

“Hmm… never thought about it before.”

Keith made a low unhappy noise.

“I def love your face… your so fucking pretty face…” 

Keith went silent again. Lance ground his hips against him and his hard cock was finding a very comfortable place right between his cheeks. 

“And I love this body...your ass is heaven, Keith, wish you could feel this...” 

Keith was definitely naked. Naked enough that Lance was desperate to get out of his boxers. 

How could his dream provide him perfectly naked love confessing Keith and not leave Lance equally perfectly naked?

Sense, where was it?

“I love how brave you are… stupid and reckless and it drives me insane with worry. But brave.” 

Keith backed into Lance’s lap, rolling his hips and made Lance’s mind stutter.

“I love how—how much you care about things even when you don’t show it… I love your laugh…”

He could feel Keith’s entire body against his front, a single useless silk scarf around his waist, the rest probably lost somewhere in the bed. His hand found one of Keith’s nipples and he started to slowly rub his fingers around the nub causing Keith to raise his chest into the touch a bit more with a small high pitched sound.

“I love how you hum during flight simulations and I always leave coms open so I can hear you…”

With Keith raising his chest for Lance’s hand it gave him a moment to slip his other hand underneath him. He pinched his nipple between his thumb and forefinger once before sliding that first hand down the span of his body. Feather light touches over the ridges of his abs, loving the way Keith twitched and rocked harder back into Lance. 

“I love how unbelievably dense you could be sometimes, you’re such a mess you’re perfect—” Lance moved his head so he was right against Keith’s ear for the word “perfect” but lost his nerve when he dropped his face into the back of Keith’s neck, “What am I saying… of course I love you.”

Did Lance have feelings for Allura? Yes. Did he wish she’d reciprocate? Yeah. 

Did Lance feel guilty about indulging himself in a dream with someone who he also had some very strong (possibly stronger) feelings for? No, not at all. 

Because real talk? If Keith had said half of this in real life Lance’s heart would have combusted and he would have kissed the life out of him by now—

Because that was just what Keith did to him sometimes. 

He just… blew his mind with how much he could make Lance feel. 

Christ.

Good lord.

He hadn’t taken advantage of the opportunity to kiss him yet. 

He reached up with the arm that was beneath Keith, his hand spreading wide over his neck to grab his jaw and tentatively guide him to face him. 

“Can I kiss you?”

Keith’s hips ground back hard as he laughed, “you’re asking that now?”

He was right. 

Besides, kinda stupid to ask permission from a dream right? 

“Stupid stupid me, right?” 

“Stop that.”

“Right let’s get to the smooching.”

“Yeah alright I take it back.”

“If you love me you have to love all of me.”

Lance could practically hear Keith rolling his eyes. 

“Hey it’s my dream—“

And it was absolutely superpowered. Maybe there was something in his drink that had different properties on this planet because when Keith parted his lips and lifted his head they had never looked so inviting in his life. He had to stop himself mid sentence to dive for those lips.

Smashed up his nose a little bit on Keith’s cheek which he was sure he would have felt too if this wasn’t a dream but Lance didn’t care because he was kissing Keith Kogane.

And yes. He’d had plenty of dreams where he’d kissed Keith. Plenty of dreams where they’d made out on the rec room floor or the garrison showers or had sex in reds cockpit. 

But they had never ever felt like this.

His brain practically fizzled out. 

He felt Keith’s tongue against his and then suddenly it was gone.

Felt like he was falling, disoriented. Someone (Keith?) reached out to catch him. Dug little blunt nails into his arm in panic.

“Lance—what—“

The dream shifted. Lance was alone, floating in an empty pool, naked and confused and annoyed.

The water was cold but didn’t make him shiver. 

There was a splash in the distance, and Lance hoped it was Keith but he couldn’t see anything. Time passed and he started to lose sense of where he or the water began. 

He’d have given anything to be back with Keith. 

What a shitty way to end his dream…

When he woke up his throat was dry, like he’d had too much to drink the night before and his head spun a bit. 

He sat up and found he was on the far side of the bed where Keith had gone to sleep. Didn’t even see Keith, so maybe he’d gotten up earlier and Lance had managed to settle into place where his body heat had been. 

Of course that was for mere moments before he glanced to the opposite side of his bed and found… himself?

He also realized very suddenly he was buttnaked with only a silk scarf tied loosely around his hips and his hair was long enough to tickle his shoulders.

He looked down at himself and saw the expanse of absolutely flawless Keith body, down to the little dark hairs just under that useless scarf.

Lance wasn’t sure why he did it, but he reached down to grab himself in his palm (Keith in Keith’s palm??) And was immediately overwhelmed by the sensation of it. He had to bite his lip to keep quiet and fell back on the bed hard as his hand tightened to seek out the feeling. He was partially hard already and from the feeling of it he must have been suffering all night.

But excuse you Lance. This isn’t your body what are you doing? 

Dreaming? Still? Could have sworn he was very much awake now…

He forced himself to stop, noting quietly that he was absolutely not going to forget what it felt like, and looked over at his own body. 

Had to be a dream. 

Had to be.

He shut his eyes, letting his finger tips graze over the inside of Keith’s thighs because dream or no there were so many nice things about that he was gonna keep doing it.

Well until someone shook him awake (again?) 

It was strange seeing an expression that was so clearly Keith, puzzled with furrowed brows and tight lips, on his own face. 

But there it was. 

Staring at him like he was the strangest mystery in the known universe. Which, to be fair, if he was still wearing Keith’s face he kind of was. (And kind of had to be considering he definitely wasn’t the one wearing his own face.) 

Keith (you know, it felt like Keith and acted like Keith, but he really didn’t know if that was Keith) was the first to register the shock of the mornings revelation. Lance actually felt kinda slow and confused. Maybe he’d drank too much— no wait, Keith did. 

Anyway.

So. 

Keith started screaming. And Lance started screaming. 

And maybe that wasn’t a great idea while guests on a diplomatic mission in another world palace with your comrades in arms down the hall while you’re both pretty naked and in bed together. 

But uh. 

Fun morning.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #274

“now i can hear the marching feet / they’re moving into the street”

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? I only have a black one. Is your dream job attainable? I mean define “dream job.” I’d ideally be a meerkat biologist if I was willing to live in Africa and could handle even mild heat, but I can’t/won’t do either of those, so it’s not obtainable to me. I’d also love to be a paleontologist if I could travel and handle heat once more, but again, I can’t. My only *attainable* dream job is being a photographer, which I am aiming for. I’d LIKE to focus on nature/wildlife photography, but that’s unlikely to be able to support me, so. Do you have to go to school or work tomorrow? N/A Have you slept for longer than usual today? Yes, but only because of my nightmares. I tend to take at least two (though sometimes one) hour-long naps during the day because if I wake up once during the night, as I usually do, I’m fucked because I’m very likely to have an intense nightmare. It seems like the medicine I’m on wears off with consciousness, I guess. I only allow myself to sleep an hour at daytime because my mother has noticed if I have a nightmare, it’s usually no earlier than one hour into sleep. Even then I still have them occasionally. Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? Recorder in elementary school was necessary for whatever stupid reason, and then I played the flute for years. Out of school, I took guitar lessons for a while. I got semi-decent (at best I could do the intro to “Crazy Train” at normal speed, I think), but it didn’t last because it was annoying/time-consuming to build up the calluses that make playing painless, I was really bad at overthinking where my fingers were, and I just wasn’t invested quite enough. I’ll tell you, it gave me mad respect for guitarists, that shit isn’t easy by any means. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? Yes, though it was brief. I was a kid (okay, pre-teen, w/e) still in my separation anxiety from Mom phase and it was literally because of me we had to go home. I still feel shitty about it, though no one seemed upset at me. How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? Who the fuck even knows anymore. Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? No; N/A; yes ultimately but no at the current moment because I have to keep watch over Mom. If you wear make-up, which brand of foundation/powder do you use? N/A Would you call yourself a “people” person? Nope. What is one change you need to make in your life this month? Just one??? What’s been tugging on your heart lately? My PTSD plus self-image has been very, very bad. What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? Mom had to clean up my cat’s projectile vomit even though she’s supposed to stay away from this kinda stuff through chemo. I literally cannot fucking touch vomit, never mind what came out of him that night. I felt like absolute fucking shit and I still do because WOW I’m a great adult right!! Do you have any physical traits that are bothering you lately? Like, everything. What kind of dog is your favorite? I’m biased to beagles. What was the last thing you received in the mail? A book. What is the last thing you wrote? Like, physically? My signature at the doctor’s office. Do you still care about the person you first kissed? Way fucking more than I should. Do you require a lot of private time? Definitely more than most people. Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? I haven’t listened to it in forever for ~reasons~, yet “The Mortician’s Daughter” is stuck in my head badly and really needs to fuck off. What was the last song you downloaded? I dunno, I went on a download binge a while back. Have you ever read a really funny book? I remember at least one. “Bite Me” by IDR-Who. Some vampire satire. Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? Never reached the point of being drunk. How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? fuckin YIKES I am NOT attractive rn go away Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? HAHA my mom has always had the decency to knock, not so much his mom a;lwkejrewoei but the answer’s still no. What electronics are in your room? (DVD player, CD player, etc) This laptop, my phone, a Nintendo DS, my iPod… Do you have a box anywhere with special items you'll to keep forever in it? Yes, actually. Grew up calling them “treasure boxes.” Do you have any pictures of yourself on your bedroom walls? Lol no, I’d definitely prefer to not see myself as much as I can. That sounds melodramatic, but I’m being serious. It either depresses me or makes me angry. Does your dad collect anything? The Cleveland Browns’ football team stuff, for one. Maybe Carolina Hurricane stuff, too? Idk. I don’t live with him and don’t go in his “man cave” at his house often ha ha. What's better, a desktop or laptop? Explain. A laptop. Portable; that’s all the explanation ya really need. Do your parents still hide chocolate eggs around on Easter for you? Nah. What do you typically do on Easter Day? We go to my sister’s house to watch the kids do their egg hunting and open their gifts, then we usually go to Ashley’s in-laws’ for dinner. Is there anyone you literally need to exist? Apparently not. Thought so. Never let yourself into that state of mind. What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand-written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? Oh, a hand-written poem would wreck me, yeesh. Or a drawing. But any would be very sweet. Do you remember why you made the last mistake you did? I don’t know the most recent mistake, but probably because I’m just in general a terrified person who second-guesses or overanalyzes everything. Did you check how many calories the last thing you ate had? Yes. I’m back on my calorie-counting obsession again. Are your nails long or short? Short, always. I can’t keep them long. What is your favorite kind of cookie? Just the ordinary chocolate chip is fine. What was the last compliment you received? I don’t know. Who will be the next person you kiss? I normally delete this question because the answer should be so obvious, but I feel like just pointing it out that no one fucking knows who they’re gonna kiss next. It’s a dangerous mindset. Don’t make assumptions about what you’ll have even tomorrow. Have you ever made your own icon? Yeah, on many sites. They’re just about always just edits, though, not truly original work. What color is your computer mouse? It’s black. Have you ever been sung to on your birthday in a restaurant? Yes. Do you like black olives? I don’t like olives period. Do you actually think there will be a zombie apocolypse? Personally, no. I do think it’s scientifically possible, we already see this in insects, but I just don’t imagine it happening to humans before we’re our own downfall. Do you like the person you’ve become over the past years? Fuck no. Have you ever gone to church just to get a significant other? … No…? Have you ever punched a wall out of complete anger? No, that shit is terrifying. Are you really ticklish? YES don’t fucking touch me. How do you decide what you're going to eat each day? I just follow what I’m craving that day. How are you similar to your siblings? Different? Compared to Ashley and Nicole at least, I can’t think of any real similarities off the top of my head. They’re intelligent, motivated, outgoing, successful, yada yada, then there’s me. What's your favorite type of non-fiction literature? Autobiographies by people I’m actually interested in. Do you believe in souls? Soulmates? Souls, absolutely. Soulmates, no. It’s fairytale ideation to think your soul has a perfect match with another, hate to break it to ya. Favorite soundtrack? BITCH don’t make me choose between Shadow of the Colossus and Silent Hill 2. Fucking masterpieces. Pianos or guitars? *shrugs* Depends on the music and my mood. Did an animal ever bite you? Never seriously. How many languages do you speak? Only English fluently. I’m poor at German by now. Wiggly worms or bumble bees? Worms gross me out, bees are Good Boys. Religion? I don’t really identify with any. I just believe there’s some form of ultimate intelligence and essences beyond just the body, and that’s all I even pretend to know. Fog, thunder, or rain? Fog gives me that Silent Hill Vibe *Italian kiss* What regret keeps coming back to haunt you daily? The way I treated Jason after the breakup. If you could cure yourself of one allergy, what would it be? Damn pollen. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yeah. What would you be most afraid of happening if you were to visit Africa? Viruses or botflies. Where are you tempted to move to sometimes? I very legitimately want to live in Canada by now, but I won’t because I’m not moving that far from family. Who seems like they have the perfect life? I try not to make that assumption of anyone. Do you ever take pictures of negative moments? Does taking pictures of roadkill count???? lmao probably Do you think it would be a good idea to post photos of negative moments as well as positive? Well… I guess it depends. Like ngl, the pictures some people share of them having panic attacks to just show how fucking real they are definitely touch you, as do those depicting poverty, etc., BUT I really do think there are limits and also differences in motivations. What time zone are you in? EST. Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? Wow, speaking of. No. ^Why or why not? I am an UGLY cry-er, my man. But I also just don’t want people to see that, and it’s definitely not on my mind to take a picture during a breakdown. What was the last thing you cried about? My life. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yes. Do you know anyone who has twins? Yes. Where do you buy calendars from? I don’t. Do you shop at the dollar store often? Not *often*, but we’ll stop by for a snack or something sometimes. Are you following in the career path of any family members? No. Do you feel you missed out on a lot as a kid? I guess in some ways. Who was that best friend you ever had? Sara. What color is your laptop? Black. What are five careers you think you’d be good at? My work history has shown I can’t do shit right. Are you thriving in your life right now? lmao no one is in 2020. Who do you have moral support from? My family, doctor, and a few friends. Who encourages you to go after your dreams? The same as above. Do you have people in your family who want you dead? Wow, I hope not. Do you have a walk-in closet? No, but my room at the new house will. :’) Not that I need one, it’s just pretty cool. How do you feel about people like Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and Jeff Bezos having so much power and control in the world? Do you believe that any one person should have so much power? Let’s be real, in our current world, money is power, and no one should have that much control of the world, especially if your intentions are bad. NOW I don’t know jack shit about any of those are far as morals go, but just saying. It’s dangerous. Has your anxiety alone ever prevented you from doing something you wanted to do? This is ACTUALLY the story of my fucking life. Do you enjoy reading stories and novels that are heavily stylistic, poetic, or unconventional or do you prefer your prose to follow a familiar grammatical structure? Okay, I LOVE those, like Johnny Got His Gun and The Handmaid’s Tale that’s kinda like, run-on writing. Just letting a train of thought go. Those are two of the most powerful books I’ve ever read and they’re both written in a unique fashion. Have you ever fallen for any sort of Internet-based hoax? (e.g., fake celeb death, satire news article…) I’m sure at some point, especially as a kid. Do you tend to read reviews before you watch a movie or read a book? What do you hope to get out of doing so? NO. I don’t wanna have any precognition. When you go to a concert, how far must you travel for the most usual venues you visit? Most are on the other end of the state, and NC is long, so. We’re lucky if they come to Raleigh. Do you rent movies frequently? I never do, really. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Take pictures or swim. What’s your favorite meal to cook? I don’t cook. What movie has been taken WAY too far, as far as sequels go? Oh, I’m sure there are some, but none immediately come to mind. I’m not that into movies. Do you refuse to eat certain foods because of what they look like? Yes. I am VERY poor at getting past how a food looks. What are you listening to? NSP’s cover of “Don’t Fear The Reaper.” It’s fuckin gorgeous. How much homework do you have tonight? N/A Are you wearing any bracelets? Yes; one that Sara got me as well as an ovarian cancer awareness one. What's physically wrong with you right now? JINKIES I just feel really lethargic like always. Do you take any medications daily? Ha ha thanks for actually reminding me I need to now. When was the last time you moved to a new house? Two years ago, and now we’ll be moving to a much better place by the end of this month/early September, finally. When it comes to relationships, are you the jealous type? Nah. Which gift cards do you have in your wallet? Idk actually. It’s not like I use it a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt ill? What was wrong with you? A few nights ago. I was extremely hot, dizzy, and pretty nauseated. I was fine, though. If you wear make-up, do you take it with you, to reapply throughout the day? Does your make-up stay for a long time after you first apply it, or do you find that you need to reapply often? Are you wearing any make-up atm? I pretty much never wear makeup so have never really had a reason to reapply it. I’m definitely not wearing any now. Does your kitchen have a theme? No. Do you like ice cream sandwiches? GIRL yes. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. They’re more comfortable imo but more importantly block out exterior noise very well. Are you a fan of any independent films? ngl, I don’t know exactly what that is and I don’t feel like looking it up. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I very genuinely think some of the RP stories I’ve taken part in are novel-worthy, yes. I wanted to make them books when I was younger, but now I no longer do mainly because there are areas that are just way too fucking dark that I don’t wanna put out there but play massive parts in the stories, so like… Do you regularly watch the news? I never do. Facebook is my “news” source lmao. Who was the last person you video-chatted with? I don’t remember for sure, maybe some doctor? What do you want the theme of your wedding to be? I don’t really think about this, seeing as my mind has changed enough, and it also depends on what my partner wants, too. Have you ever been caught passing a note in class? Noooo, I absolutely hated passing notes because I was genuinely a good student. I only did so very, very rarely if another friend started it. Have you ever had dandruff? I have dandruff AND a dry scalp. It’s a wonderful mix. Have you ever gone through a phase of crushing on EVERYONE? Definitely not. Do you have any clothes with spikes/studs on them? I have a spiked choker, and I might still have gloves with studs? Can you remember what you last clapped for? My mom’s birthday! :’) Have you ever given a pet to someone else? Yes, with cats; we had to do that quite often when I was a kid because we had so many cats, none which we could afford to fix. Then we’ve done it with two dogs we just couldn’t handle. Oh yeah, I gave my iguana away too because he was too high maintenance for me, but also because he DESPERATELY needed a much bigger terrarium, which we couldn’t afford. I absolutely could not watch him in that tiny tank. I miss him a LOT, but he went to a wonderful home! The lady who adopted him sent me pictures upon pictures months after taking him in. Do you know anyone named Walter? No. What's your least favorite ice-cream flavor? Strawberry is fucking disgusting. And that’s coming from someone whose favorite fruit is strawberries. What's your least favorite song by your favorite artist? I’m not sure. There’s a handful that just don’t grab my attention that I don’t even remember them. What was the last good news you heard? I can FINALLY talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Who’s your favorite singer of all time? Probably Freddie Mercury. What airline do you fly most? Idk, I don’t really pay attention. I haven’t flown very often though anyway. Do you have a dog that is destructive? I don’t have a dog. What’s one TV series you’ve seen every episode of? Meerkat Manor is the most obvious, ha ha. Maaaaany times. Assuming you have Facebook, who last left you a wallpost? Probably my friend Sammi. Assuming you have hair, how are you wearing it today? It’s too short for me to “wear” it any particular way. It’s just… there lmao. Assuming you're not homeless, what kind of living arrangements do you have? I live with my mom in a house she’s renting. Have you or have you ever considered messing around with the same sex? I’m bisexual so you can guess I’m not opposed to it. Are you particular about any brands of food you will or will not eat? Are there any restaurants you refuse to go to? Brands, no. I don’t eat Chick-fil-a because they’re run by fucking homophobic bigots that monetarily support conversion therapy and other anti-LGBT projects. I’m not giving you any fucking money. What was the most current dream you can remember about? Do you generally dream every night, or hardly at all? It was actually last night, when I dreamed about accidentally running into Jason where I last knew he worked, and he was really hostile. If I don’t take my medicine, I always have nightmares when I sleep.

[flashyslash-moved]

For the ask thing, the Esper Sisters.

Tatsumaki:

favorite thing about them: Her lack of fear. At first glance Tats would just be labeled an arrogant bitch or something, and there is some validity to that, but she also has a lot of inner strength that we don’t expect. And we see her start to develop especially during the Garou fight, where she shows that she can face a terrible threat without hesitating, even when she probably wont win. I do think there is a lot of actual fear inside of her, since without her esper powers she’s a very tiny woman with arms like twigs. But I still admire her willingness to face down a threat and keep going because she has to win or die.

least favorite thing about them: The fact that she’s probably never going to be enjoyed by the fandom in a respectful way without all the dorkass losers accusing each other of being pedophiles. Maybe Murata and ONE are obviously the weirdos we pretend they aren’t, but Tatsumaki shouldn’t suffer for it.

favorite line: “Then allow me to teach you what exactly happens when you lay a hand on either of us!” Because Fubuki is her everything. Nothing else matters but protecting her baby sister, even if she can be a pain in the ass.

brOTP: Flash. Okay yeah I started this blog shipping these two, but now I see them having some similarities. Like being in captivity and experimented on. Besides their current dynamic is Flash says a bitchy thing to Tats and so far she hasn’t had the balls to come back at him (seriously, since he came for her throat after she took his kill, she’s been avoiding his insults ever since). Not completely sure if Flash would try to cause her malicious harm in some way, but if not they could find their similarities and stop being dicks all the time.

OTP: Saitama/Tatsumaki. One day I gave this couple about thirteen seconds of thought and overnight I got hooked. I’m sorry to subject you all to this sentence, but they’re like the earth and sky. He is the most powerful with his body, and she with her mind. I think when Saitama was confronting Tats at the beginning of the ninja arc, he was more interested in her feelings and what was going on with her, like if she would be okay bleeding and bringing up her need for friends. And I think she’s also got some depression and loneliness going on, maybe from low self-esteem/image issues, also like Saitama. Plus she always seems to impressed with King’s hero record but those are all Saitama’s achievements. This is one of the few OTPs that I’ll actually be genuinely bitter about if I don’t get....

nOTP: Tatsumaki/King. I use to take a small interest in this ship because it seemed to be going in that direction when Tats got all got for King when he came in covered in blood before they all went out. Plus apparently she only respects him and Blast (I may of gotten that from a wikia though so it might not be true idk). And he’s seen her panties in the webcomic. But he is vastly not good enough for Tats since he’s not only not a hero, but he’s also a big liar. Not saying I’m anti-King, and I get he’s kind of stuck right now in an impossible situation, but I don’t imagine Tatsumaki being forgiving for what she’d see as a huge scam. 

random headcanon: Tatsumaki wasn’t successful in dating while in school, mostly due to her cold and arrogant personality, but she did try again as an adult with match services and online dating. Did not help her self-image in the slightest and she only seemed to attract weird guys, so after awhile she just gave up.

unpopular opinion: Tatsumaki being growth stunted and childlike is more interesting than just having her be a tall, voluptuous Fubuki lookalike who is about to hit 30. She’s unique, and Fubuki is also unique.

song i associate with them: Paula Cole - “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone” a song about a woman being lonely or neglected, and just wanting a normal, happily ever after.

favorite picture of them: (damn u for making me choose)

She looks so damn conniving. 

Fubuki:

favorite thing about them: The masks she wears, just because they make her so fascinating. I like how she is similar, yet completely different from Tatsumaki, and tries to be strong and face any threat like her yet will usually always fall short. But she doesn’t give up, even if it’s obvious to everyone else she won’t succeed, she doesn’t let the haters get to her.

least favorite thing about them: She’s so annoying. Like I shouldn’t say that about rare tough girls (who are also written well) in shounens, but she is. Like she’s so demanding that everyone pay attention to her and do what she says (kind of like Tatsumaki so maybe thats where she learned it), even barging into Saitama’s house and giving him attitude. Another anon once sent me an ask on if the fandom would feel differently about her if she were male, and the answer is yes. You don’t start throwing building around because someone questions you, I don’t care how long you’ve spent your life trying to achieve a fraction of what your older sister was basically given by nature only to keep being reminded you never will. 

favorite line: “So you dare to stand in my way.” Sounds badass but I don’t feel that way. It kind of seems like she’s trying to be cool but in reality it’s all fake intimidation tactics.

brOTP: Suiyru. I don’t know why actually, he’s kind of a fuckboy, but similar to the friendship I see Flash and Saitama possibly having, he could teach her to loosen up more. Of course he’d be friendzoned really quick, but maybe he’d grow enough to look past that?

OTP: Garou/Fubuki. Went over this in the Garou ask, but the most important thing is that they are both super hot and fine deserves fine.

nOTP: Saitama/Fubuki. Because he, like me, finds her really intrusive and annoying. That’s not a good first impression. I get people can find chemistry later on, so the idea could grow on me if the story heads in that direction, but I guess Fubuki just doesn’t seem good enough for him. He doesn’t like to even listen to her talk. And lastly her interactions with him specifically make me dislike her in sexist ways, since she seems like just a nagging bitch. I’m not fond of that perspective on her.

random headcanon: Outside of hero work, Fubuki is a painter.

unpopular opinion: She's a hoe. But a secret hoe. I think Fubuki has a power kink, and craves direct attention and adoration (like a fan or a thirsty someone in the group), but mostly she might just like having a never ending supply of something her sister is barren in. Which is really mean but that’s why it’s unpopular.

song i associate with them: Pistol Annies - “Hell On Heels” getting whatever you want with the power of sexuality and manipulation. That’s probably not what she’s about but it’s closer to my hcs.

favorite picture of them:

[coeurvrai]

We return to Wicked Saints with Chapter 23, a chapter that is - unfortunately - a Nadya chapter. We open with, oddly enough, a Book of Saints excerpt rather than something from the Codex of the Divine. In a better book, this would mean something. In a better book, all of these excerpts would’ve meant something.

Svoyatovi Yakov Luzhkov: The founder of the Selortevnsky monastery in Ghelovkhin, a place where clerics were trained in secret to fight in the holy war. When the monastery was destroyed in 1520, Yakov burned with it.

Okay... great? Thanks for that information that was totally necessary and will be relevant to the current chapter, I’m sure.

Again, using dates when you haven’t established a proper timeline is meaningless, because we don’t know how long ago these events were in respect to the present. Sure, it’s a bit more specific than the others because we know that by the events of the start of the book, the war between Kalyazin and Tranavia has been going on for about 100 years, but still, meaningless.

Everyone is still at dinner and Nadya is, surprising to herself, having a pretty good time, all things considered.

The High Prince of Tranavia was a charming boy who enjoyed self-deprecation and complaining. Nadya found herself laughing at his jokes and responding in kind as the evening went on. Żaneta was equally engaging, with biting wit and a keen intelligence that Nadya had not expected from one of the most impressive blood mages of the court.

Well, this is fast becoming a nightmare, she thought as she swirled her spoon through a bowl of borscht. There was soft music playing in the background, airy and light, and the atmosphere of the room didn’t feel nearly as oppressive as when the king had entered.

Nadya is, however, getting along a bit too swimmingly with Serefin for my tastes, considering she’s supposed to have - to put it mildly - a grudge against him for leading an assault on her home and, to Nadya’s knowledge, hurting and killing the people that she supposedly cares about there, including Kostya. She was so afraid of him when he rocked up at the monastery in Chapter 1 and now she’s just totally fine with him and considers him charming and funny.

If Nadya was clever and seriously cared, she’d attempt to talk him about his efforts in the war and in Kalyazin to try to covertly find out what happened after she fled the monastery and if any of the people she’s supposed to love are alive.

Also that description of Żaneta has me side-eyeing and I can’t tell that whether that’s just me and my heightened sensitivity due to how xenophobic and discriminatory Nadya is supposed to be. Like, is she surprised that Żaneta is intelligent and witty because she’s a Tranavian? Is it because she’s a Tranavian and she’s a blood mage? Is it because she’s accomplished? I can’t tell.

Either way, it’s not necessarily an unsurprising implication from Nadya all things considered but the fact that Nadya is supposed to have evolved so much that her views on Tranavians are... let’s say more progressive, the inherent judginess of what she’s saying leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe that’s just my mixed race ass reading too much into it, IDK.

Also this book itself is a bloody nightmare, both literally and figuratively.

“A nightmare that you are making for yourself.” Nadya almost dropped her spoon when Marzenya’s voice rang through the back of her head.

Not now, she pleaded. She couldn’t keep this up and have a goddess pulling her apart for what she had done at the same time. Admonish me all you like later but not here.

“You are treading dangerous ground, child.”

Dangerous ground that she was only making worse. Marzenya required full devotion. Nadya never could have dreamed that would be an issue. Yet here she was, a few days into Tranavia and already full of conflict.

Well, Marzenya is apparently getting through okay, because she’s able to talk directly to Nadya at dinner. This is like, the second or third time. I didn’t really believe you when you said, book, that the connection between Nadya and the gods would be strained and difficult due to the nature of her being in Tranavia, and I still don’t believe you now.

Also, “keep this up”? You’ve been a grand ol’ time apparently at dinner, besides glaring at the king and getting caught by Serefin glaring at the king. I don’t know what the difficulty would be, really, besides paying attention if anyone tries to talk to you. It’s not like it’s taking all your energy to stop yourself from murdering everyone you’re sitting beside with a fork or something.

Also, we’re not going to really unpack that last paragraph because I feel like I’ve commented on it enough and about the bullshit nature of this whole fucking thing as is. I’m just going to happily continue eating my dumplings because dumplings are delicious.

Anyways, the king gets angry at a servant, throws a goblet at the wall, and the servant runs away. A Vulture goes after them and ,ost of the people at the table aren’t exactly thrilled at that. 

Ostyia comments to Serefin that the king’s temper is worsening and Serefin tries to temper his discomfort with more alcohol, but his glass is empty. Thank fuck for that. Serefin asks Nadya to call him Serefin instead of “Your Highness” and she just rolls with it.

“Trade places with me,” the one-eyed girl demanded of Serefin.

“You can’t flirt with every girl here, Ostyia,” Serefin said.

“I can and I will,” she replied primly.

He rolled his eyes and—casting another anxious look toward where his father sat—stood up and traded places with the girl.

Ostyia had a glittering eye patch covering her right eye in place of a mask. Her smile was electric, and she shined it Nadya’s way.

For some bloody reason, Nadya refers to her as “the one-eyed girl” despite knowing and using Ostyia’s name the sentence before that and then preceding to use it straight afterwards. Like, that’s not necessary, just use her name again!

Also, I’ve said it several times to @jefflion but Ostyia is quite literally the only one in this book who is explicitly queer so far. ED has gone on and on on her tumblr and her twitter talking about how basically everyone is queer and like how all the main Tranavian characters aren’t straight; that Kacper and Serefin are gonna have a romance in the later books but like??? Bitch, where?!

You can’t say that Nadya and Serefin are queer, when they have not commented on women and men, respectively, the same way they have commented and been explicitly attracted to men and women, respectively.

Look, I am bisexual. If you meet me for even two seconds online and/or at uni, I make it pretty fucking clear that I am attracted to girls too. I will take notice of girls I think are pretty or cute. Not always, but I do do it.

And the fact that there’s no build up for Serefin and Kacper either, even though there should be if she’s intending for them to have some romance in Ruthless Gods and the third book is just... fucking lazy. Like yes, there’s a couple of scenes in the book that you could technically say might have romantic undertones but the point I’m trying to make is the lack of explicit queerness.

At this point, ED is no better than JK Rowling with her whole “Dumbledore is gay!” shtick. Or rather, she’s barely better, but it’s a fucking low bar.

Also, as an aside: earlier, Serefin has Ostyia flirt with Żaneta as a distraction, but we never really get a reaction from Żaneta. ED nominally says that Żaneta is bi, but we don’t get a reaction from Żaneta in the text. For all we know, Żaneta could be uncomfortable with her flirting. Or she could be into it, but we just don’t know! 

[onewhoturns]

So. Story time.

I never really think of myself has having ptsd cause I’ve never been diagnosed with it, like I have with depression and ADHD (and there was some speculation about bipolar ii, but apparently depression/ADHD combined can also look a lot like hypomania and the depressive episodes of bipolar ii? idk? I do know that I had a minor breakdown when my then-psychiatrist mentioned it cause it was a big change to spring on someone at 23). I don’t get a lot of the symptoms typically associated with ptsd, I can’t understand them because I haven’t experienced them, and I don’t want to claim the diagnosis when I feel like my experiences are so much tamer than what so many people have gone through. Like, yes, I was assaulted, but it wasn’t rape. Yes, I kind of tried to kill myself, but it wasn’t a serious attempt (the end goal wasn’t actually death) and it wasn’t violent or bloody or that physically traumatizing (I mean I don’t think they even pumped my stomach, but to be honest I remember very little from that whole experience cause--- well, cause it was traumatizing. And my memory is crap.). What I’m going to mention here, though, is the First Big Trauma I can think of.

When I was... actually I don’t remember how old I was. I guess it was senior year? Like I said, my memory is crap. Since high school my brain has scrambled up dates like crazy, and forgotten or misremembered a lot of things, and left a lot of things vaguely floating in the ether unsure when they happened or where or if they happened at all. Anyway. My.... we’ll call him a friend. He had been a friend, anyway. Until I made the huge mistake of sleeping with him casually. With him knowing I was sleeping with other people as well. And he called my mother to tell her I was out having sex with people (don’t think he mentioned he was one of them). I don’t remember when I found out about this. It might have been before the incident in question or after. I really don’t remember the timeline. We could’ve still been tentatively close at this point, but I think I may have already been having off feelings about him, I don’t remember. Anyway. I was best friends with a different guy (the other one I was sleeping with -- look, I slept with my friends okay, I’m not saying I was a good person for it, I regret one of them immensely and wish I’d handled the other one better) who was also friends with Guy 1.

One night... and again, I don’t remember the context at all, what we were talking about or if I was talking to him at all, just that it was over iMessage somewhere after 1am, maybe after 2am. I don’t know what we were talking about. (Maybe this is why I keep records or reread through old conversations, I have the worst memory and it really irritates me that I can’t look back on logs of these convos.) Anyway. He says he’s going to kill himself. Me, being a teenager, immediately does the thing they do on tv and asks something akin to ‘do you have a plan’ or ‘how do you plan to do it’ or whatever, and he says he has a kitchen knife and I’m like FUCK no, talk to me, please talk to me, don’t do this. Do you want me to come over? I’ll sneak out and come over, please don’t do this right now. And I don’t remember a lot of the details. I was an idiot and roped Guy 2 into it cause I didn’t know how to handle this. I should’ve been a decent person and left him out of it. But maybe having someone else to talk to at the time (because of course I didn’t wake up my parents - I was breaking the rules being up and on the computer after 10pm or whatever, why would I be so rational as to talk to my loving parents about this horrible situation I’d been thrown into) was helpful in the moment. It probably was. I hope he wasn’t as scarred by the experience as I was. I don’t remember if he tried to contact Guy 1 or not. Anyway. I don’t know how long it went on. I remember mentioning to Guy 2 that maybe I should call an ambulance. I don’t remember if I did. I remember sobbing silently sneaking downstairs into the garage to get into my car cause I was going to drive to his house to talk to him if I had to. I was so shaken. I was sure that if he died it-- well it wouldn’t be my fault, exactly, but that there was more I could’ve done. I’m sure I mentioned the suicide hotline and said he should call them. I offered all the support I could give from afar.

I don’t remember the rest of that night. I know I didn’t ever open my garage door, just waited next to my car, texting constantly on my old flip phone, or maybe I was talking, I don’t know. I think I must’ve been talking. Eventually I assume I went to sleep. I don’t know who I talked to. At some point the next day I know I was involved with basically forcing the guy to talk to the school psychiatrist. I probably felt kind of proud, like I’d done the right thing. I don’t actually know if I did. You may have noticed, and I’ll state this a million times over; my memory is lacking. Maybe I said the Wrongest thing possible. I don’t know. I just know that I felt responsible for saving the guy’s life. And I was also absolutely terrified of him. Maybe it was after that that my mom told me about his ridiculous crossing of that Line between kids and parents. And just... in general. That was a line that shouldn’t have been crossed ever. And props to my mom for never confronting me about it, and generally respecting my sexual autonomy. I also remember - though, again, I don’t know when - calling him out on how ridiculously inappropriate something like that was, and him denying it. Like-- why would my mom make that up? There is literally no reason. And why choose him? Basically, I felt (rightfully) betrayed. And, of course, entirely traumatized by the whole suicide night. Eventually this became the first person I ever blocked on social media, the person who’s name still gives me chills, who I am terrified of to this day. The person who I had dreams of hunting me in my own home (didn’t help that he was on the rifle team, so I knew he knew how to shoot -- absolutely terrifying). He’s probably some boring ass white dude today. Probably living some whitebread life, working for the government. Some part of me still thinks he’s a psychopath.

Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is: please god, do not try to talk me down. Don’t do that to yourself. The likelihood that I will ever follow through on suicidal ideation is very very low (like I’d peg it at under 10%), and I never want anyone to go through the overwhelming fear and panic I felt that night. Leave an encouraging message. Encourage reaching out to more qualified professionals. Shoot a link to a crisis textline or something, but do not feel obligated to step in yourself. I will never try to lay the blame of my suicidality on anyone besides myself. I moved past the 13 Reasons Why mentality a long time ago. I am far more likely to argue that suicide should be a legal path for people who are adding nothing to the community as a whole than I am to argue that it’s someone else’s fault that I want to die. I think of death more logistically than emotionally at this point. It’s not a revenge fantasy. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to really fucking depressing lines of thinking - inescapable spirals that are just impossible to talk me out of - when I’m in a bad place. No one should have to feel hopelessly frustrated at my own horrible self-talk at those times. Reaching out to people is great, but think of yourself first.

Anyway. Thanks, anon, for the support. Writing that last bit calmed me down, and I’d already considered the hotline and dismissed it cause I knew I wasn’t actually going to kill myself and just needed to vent off some panic. ❤

[calliecat93]

RvB16 Episode 12 Review: Docudrama

Earlier in the week, Joe confirmed that the season’s final episode count would be 15 total. This will make it the series’ shortest season, though Joe has said that the final runtime is the same as S12. My point is, we are in the final stretch my friends. So last week had some mixed responses regarding Tucker... and IDC cause Grif got n Energy Sword! WHOO!!! But now, after ten straight episodes of our heroes being separate, it’s time to bring them back together.

Overview

This episode has a rather interesting premise. You know how movies have those behind the scenes documentaries/features? Well this episode is shot as one, beginning with the actors for Wash and Carolina... having sex... while the two real ones look. Jax wanted sex appeal... though he apparently plans on making a Grimmons scene so you know what? Add all the sex appeal Jax! Also hope you all can tolerate shaky came cause haha... we get light eight straight minutes of it... be afraid people.

So Sister, Tucker, and Grif have just arrived, so at last the gang is back together! We even have Grif showing off the new sword to Simmons and them proceeding to come up with sword puns, all while Simmons is in awe. Ah I missed these two being together so much. Donut also appears to joint he party! Grif isn’t happy about this considered that... you know, Donut’s with the bad guys. But Donut apologizes for getting everyone into the mess to begin with and wants to help get them out of it. This seems to satisfy everyone for now, but... yeah don’t fall for it viewers.

Grif reveals the deal to meet with the Cosmic Powers and tries to get everyone on board with it. The Freelancers have concerns however and Sarge isn’t willing to give up the gun yet. But Grif, as well as Sister and Tucker, explain about the shield protecting them and Grif trusts Huggins enough that he thinks it’ll be safe. Carolina worries that this is a trap, while Wash is just happy to be back in the usual ‘get involved in shit with the others’ groove. Before a final decision can be made, Jax wants to know more about if time travel is a bad thing or not once Tucker explains about the time line being damaged. As such, Jax wants to interview everyone and create a timeline based off everyone’s travels in order to see if there are any true consequences to all of it.

So the interviews are conducted, where it’s implied that Sister shot JFK and Grif may have killed Ceaser. Oops. Caboose also discovered Chinese finger traps. The most interesting though is Donut talking about how Chrovous saved his life and has been nothing but respectful towards him. The Reds and Blues on the other hand, well... yeah... anyways, onto the results! Jax concludes that while the Reds and Blues have failed in fixing any past mistakes or losses, there so far haven;t been any actual consequences to their shenanigains. He would know since, as it turns out, he’s been using Sarge’s gun to do some time traveling of his own. More on that later. The unified time line... well... it’s a dock. No seriously, it is an actual drawing of a dick. Science is mean man.

With that out of the way, Grif again presses everyone to meet with the Cosmic Powers. Wash still has concerns though... namely in how this is supposed to help find Church. To say that everyone is confused would be an understatement. What Wash is refereeing to is Chuch’s message last season... which IDT he ever did get told that it was just a past recording. Carolina tries to pass it off as him fooling around and while t looks like Wash realized that he lapsed again, it very clearly troubled him. But anymore discussions bout that will have to wait as the Reds and Blues take the guns and head for the Cosmic Gods. Oh and what did Jax do during his time travel you asked? He got actors like Tommy Wiseau and The Dude form Big Lebowski and cast them as the leads. Wow... wow... oh and the studio doesn’t like it, so they cut the funding and with the Reds and Blues gone, Jax can’t fix it. So much for no consequences, haha...

The Reds and Blues arrive at what we can now refer to as Starseat, the base of the Cosmic Powers. Although Jax briefly pops in via the open portal to convince them to help get funding back. It ends when Atlus throws his weapon into Jax and knocks him back into his own time. Oh and we also learnt hat Kalirama is Atlus’ wife... and sister... did I ever mention how fucked up mythology can be?! We also find out who Golfing Guy is. So there’s been a popular theory around that he is Jenkins, who was the ‘camera man’ for Blood Gulch and was in one of the S5 alternate endings. And... it is indeed Jenkins... well Genkins to be exact. He also says that the pink one is going to steal the hammer, HMM... so once intros are done, Carolina asks to hear everything form the beginning. Atlus begins to talk... and because Joe is a jerk, the episode ends there. JERK!

Review

Lets get the annoying out of the way first. SO the documentary style? I liked it! I think Joe mentioned last year that he’d wanted to o an Office-style episode in S15, but simply didn’t have the time. This was a nice place to revisit the idea. but... Joe honey, why did there have to be shaky cam? Okay I know why. It’s documentary style, and those have plenty of shaky cam. It annoys the people watching so Joe got that down... the problem is it annoys the audience. I definitely think that he should have had maybe some int he beginning, and left it after that to make it more bearable to watch. Still credit where it’s due, he got the desired emotion out of me. I’m also kind of annoyed that Tucker is back to being his usual self after the last episode, though he is acting more like regular Tucker so I guess we’ll see what happens.

So the Reds and Blues are finally together again and let me tell you, THANK GOD. I did not realize how much I missed everyone being together until this episode. I lied that it wasn’t overplayed and everything just... went into place. Grif and Simmons joking around, Sister getting referred to by her actual name, Tucker and Wash’s little ‘hey’.s to each other, it was just nice. I also liked how they discuss the issue. There’s the irony of Grif trying to get everyone to follow the plot now, the Freelaners asking questions, the Grif SIbs and Tucker explaining what they found out. Like it’s not over the top... I mean there’s plenty of humor like Grif knowing that he was gonna have to lie to Sarge to make him cooperate. But as much as I’ve enjoyed the crazy time shenanigans, it was nice to have a more calm episode of everyone just discussing what the next step is for them. IDK why I liked just seeing everyone talking so much, but I do.

There was just a lot that I loved. Like the shipping joke in the beginning, Grif still trusting Huggins, both Donut’s return and his interview bit (that hurt...), Simmons trusting Grif’s word and siding with him over seeing the Cosmic Powers, Caboose and the finger trap, the Reds and Blues trying to give themselves epic titles, it was all just great. Even with the heavier moments like Wash having another memory lapse and Carolina still trying to hide it were nice to see... and also hurt, but still well done. Everyone was just, for the most part, happy. I missed the happy.

So time travel stuff. Honestly IDK if this is a Closed Loop anymore or not due to Jax taking actors... though tbf aside form John Wayne IDT any of them are dead in the current time. So what we can conclude with the info that we have is that with the current brand of time travel, you cannot change the past. If you got your men killed or betrayed someone? You can’t change it. You feel bad about your sex life? Can’t change it. You lose a penny? Can’t change it. Now the whole ‘pizza doesn’t exist’ thing is still a huge hole... but we COULD attest that as damage to the timeline. It’s a consequence of the time travel. As we just saw with Jax’s movie losing funding, there are consequences to making changes and we saw that with Sarge where recruiting the new Reds ultimately did nothing for him.

There’s still a lot unclear about time travel, and with three episodes left IDK how Joe is going to explain it all. Maybe he won’t and we’ll have to see if he does next season. Now it looks like we’re finally getting some exposition which I think is sorely needed at this point. My guess is we’re going to learn about how Chrovous got locked away and hopefully just why tie travel is as dangerous as it is. But there’s also Genkin’s comment about ‘the pink one steals the hammer’. It seems to hint that whatever Donut is going to do, next episode he’s going to do it. IDK where that’ll lead, but I imagine that it won’t be good for our heroes...

Final Thoughts

This is probably my shortest review so far, but even so I loved this episode. The shaky cam was annoying as Hell, but it had a lot of fun moments that makes it forgivable. Plus it was just so good to have everyone back together again after so long. We have three epsodes of S16 left to go, and honestly I have no idea what to expect at this point. All I know is that whatever happens, we’re not ready for it.

[madmaryholiday]

just remembered last night's dreams, which started with a decrepit version of my real-life home in the middle of winter and my dad's ill-advised decision to set off some kind of sparklers as part of a holiday display indoors. parts of the ceiling gave way, and my dream self was i guess knocked out?

when i came to, the landscape was very much post-apocalyptic, with ramshackle settlements replacing the mundane suburbs and a dirty grey sky over a barren landscape. i was trying to find my home, but the new settlements coupled with an obvious disaster that had taken out most of the significant foliage and other landmarks in the area made it impossible to tell where anything had been before.

rows of narrow pathways between lines of grubby tents and shacks were full of people, mostly children. they had formed gangs that ran clearly-defined "territories," providing food and shelter to the inhabitants of their respective territories but also squabbling with the other gangs. i was still trying to find where my house had been, hoping to find my family as well, but the children were of little help.

finally, i found a row of houses that had been mostly gutted but were still recognizable as the type from my neighborhood. they'd been reinforced and added onto with odds and ends, but there were specks of the original paint or the remnants of an old bay window here and there, and i was able to find where i was pretty sure my house had been. nobody in the area recognized my parents when i described them, nor did they recognize any of my neighbors or know who had lived in the houses they had shored up.

it eventually became apparent that i had been unconscious for...a long time. like centuries. everyone i'd known was long gone, and i had somehow awoken in this new world alone.

resigned to my fate, i quickly joined one of the little communities and set about trying to make a new life for myself. there were some rumblings about a gang from some ways off that was starting to encroach on nearby gangs' territory, and these new people did eventually come close enough that there was real worry that my community could be pillaged by them.

they were led by someone i guess was a vampire? he only went out at night, and he was kinda ghoulish-looking. everyone in my community was afraid of him and his followers, and we dreaded the day when he would set his sights on our meager resources.

by this time, i'd risen in the ranks of the community to the point where, when the vampire guy's militia came knocking, i was sent out to negotiate peace between our communities. and my dream self, in all their plucky determination, decided that instead of risking a fight, they would instead seduce the vampire guy.

it, uh, went very well, and my community was welcomed into the vampire guy's group with little trouble. then he started getting weirdly clingy and it got kind of uncomfortable, but my dream self made the best of it and used his resources to get access to old information that could help me piece together what had happened since that fateful winter day long ago.

also there was some talk about another immortal old dude who might at any time decide to swoop in and murder everybody, but by this point, we had a little fortified village in a swamp that could keep him from actually attacking us.

i have vivid impressions of a creaking wooden path/platform around the edges of the village and my dream self patrolling with another villager in the middle of the night while mosquitoes buzzed around us and the murky water gently lapped at the support beams keeping our entire community afloat.

i never did figure out what happened, exactly, to the world that i remembered, but there were some cool chase scenes and covert intel operations sprinkled throughout the dream that were pretty entertaining, if ultimately not particularly enlightening.

my best guesses as to the sources for the events in the dream are thusly: 1) an old man who wandered off was found chilling in a swamp near my home. 2) looking at pictures of christopher lee as dracula and my primary memory of him being as an old man. 3) thinking about YA dystopian fiction a lot. and 4) general fear of change and/or abandonment. idk about all the details, but that covers most of the basics. still, it was goddamn weird.

[lilnasxvevo]

KINGSMAN 2 SPOILERS

Okay I have a lot of thoughts about Kingsman and I am going to share them with you. They are silly and disjointed thoughts. This post is extremely long. 

Uh the fight scenes in this movie were fucking top notch. No single scene beat the true majesty of The Church Scene in the first Kingsman, but overall the quality of fight scenes was higher.

This movie was also a lot grosser than the first one tho? I did not need ANY of that meat grinder shit. Literally did not enjoy a single second of it. Kingsman has gone from campy violence to Coen brothers violence, and while I absolutely love the Coen brothers, I didn’t like that level of violence in Kingsman.

Listen. Roxy isn’t dead. Brandon isn’t dead. JB isn’t dead. Whiskey isn’t dead. Merlin isn’t dead. Nobody is dead. No one has ever died. Those deaths were so bullshit and I hated all of them and I haven’t emotionally processed any of them but I am probably going to cry my heart out the next time I watch this movie. (Here’s my rationale: Mark Strong has already teased that Merlin might still be alive so obviously he’s alive--plus  I covered my eyes when he died because I was afraid it would be super gross. We didn’t see the bodies of Roxy, Brandon, or JB, so obviously they’re still alive. Finally, that wasn’t Whiskey at the end of the movie, it was...his evil twin. That’s all I got on that one.)

I LOVE AGENT WHISKEY and I literally refuse to believe he was a bad guy. That was so sloppily done. At the very least they should have explained how Harry knew that Whiskey was a bad guy--that might have gone a little ways towards convincing me. But in general, Kingsman’s shit-ass treatment of people of color has got to stop. Whiskey could have just been a good guy but apparently Kingsman as a franchise has devoted itself to taking men of color down a notch. It sucks. There have been, what, four named men of color in two movies? And out of all four, Jamal is the only one who’s still alive. Fuck that shit a lot. (I believe half of the named women of color have died--I can only think of two across both movies.) 

I was suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper disappointed that there wasn’t more Agent Tequila. The trailers and the whole premise of the movie made it seem like he would be an actual character and not a guy who gets three appearances and ends up in a damn cryo pod for most of the movie. 

I wish this whole movie had just been about Ginger Ale. Okay, here’s a more realistic wish: I wish Ginger Ale had gone with the Kingsman guys instead of Whiskey. When she told Merlin that she really wanted to be a field agent, he should have stood up for her when the time came to decide who went on literally either or both of the field missions in the movie. (Honestly, she probably would have been more help in Italy than Harry--no offense, Harry, but you almost killed Eggsy twice and Whiskey three times.) 

Elton John was fucking stellar in this movie. Totally divine. I love him. I ship him with Harry now.

I’m literally going to cry for the rest of my life about the fact that Harry wanted to be a butterfly scientist. Regressed amnesiac Harry was the cutest thing I have ever seen. Scratch that, it’s the second cutest thing--the cutest thing was Harry in the flashback in the plaid Kingsman trainee jumpsuit that they’ve apparently been using since time immemorial. 

I was unclear on this, but surely if Harry remembered everything else about being 20-something, he would remember his own name. “We didn’t know who he was so we didn’t know what to do with him” Bullshit. Do a fuckin google search for “Harry Hart,” which is both his legal name and the name he introduces himself by to literally everyone despite the fact that he has a code name. 

I love Tilde. I really love Tilde. I promise I love Tilde so much--I think she is cool and funny and down-to-earth and smart and kind. But. Why did she and Eggsy get fucking married. Really? Someone who is royalty dates a foreign commoner for like a year and they decide that’s enough time to know whether or not they wanted to get married? Plus, at the music festival, Eggsy literally sounded zero percent into the idea. I’m so mad. 

Speaking of the music festival...Why? Why? I get that Kingsman logic is the logic of the absurd, but that was way too much Plot Gymnastics just to get in a pseudo sex scene. Fuck off with that bullshit. “Mucous membrane.” Just stick your finger up her nose and run away!

There were not one but two puppies in this movie. I am pleased. It almost makes up for the fact that I am meant to believe that JB is dead. Which he isn’t. Because reasons. (I have always been and always will be a “IF WE DIDN’T SEE THE BODY THEY AREN’T DEAD” kind of fan.)

Harry is gay. Harry is literally gay. Literally everything about him suggests that he is gay and I really wish someone would just mention that he likes men. He’s gay. In both movies, he got into a bar fight because someone who just met him called him gay in an insulting way. I know straight men are like really into that brand of insult, but that’s just excessive, especially the bar fight in this movie--someone approached him to call him homophobic slurs just because the sheer force of Harry’s gay aura offended him. I believe this counts as deliberate queerbaiting but because I don’t have any self-respect I’m totally falling for it because I need positive gay male role models. (Harry counts as a positive role model, doesn’t he? ...Doesn’t he?)

Ginger Ale is a lesbian. Roxy is (PRESENT TENSE BECAUSE SHE’S STILL ALIVE) a lesbian. Everyone in these movies is gay or bi. It is law.

I wasn’t expecting the president to be so Trumplike. I appreciate that he was impeached. I’m a little troubled because this movie is supposed to take place in 2015 and so the president would still be Obama like it was in the last movie. I thought for a moment that maybe Kingsman!Obama accepted Valentine’s invitation and was killed during the head explosion part, but Kingsman!Obama is likely a Democrat just like the real Obama, and the president in this movie was C L E A R L Y a Republican, when in real life it would be Obama’s vice president, who would also be a Democrat. So just a plot hole I guess. 

Weird that just like last movie, the villain was a person with a reasonable goal (stop climate change, legalize drugs) going about it in an incredibly unreasonable and genocidal way. I think both movies are going for positive social messages, but it...it’s just weird. IDK.

Boy, Kingsman sure is getting a lot of mileage out of those mountain-camouflage white snow suits. Where’s the next movie going to take place, Siberia?

Charlie better stay dead this time. I hate that bastard. 

Did I mention Elton John was great in this movie?

Ginger looked so good at the wedding. I love her. 

I did like that this movie showed that most people who do drugs are just normal people. 

I liked that Statesman was more diverse than Kingsman but I straight up saw like one Asian woman and one black man (and Whiskey) and then a ton of white guys. Call me back when Statesman is half women with just...considerably more people of color. Considerably more. It’s cool that Ginger is an agent now but keep working.

Are code names linked to your position in Statesman like in Kingsman? Is Ginger now Agent Whiskey, or still Agent Ginger Ale? (I didn’t like that the only woman was the only non-alcoholic beverage, by the way. I get that it miiiight be tied to her being the only non-field-agent but I still hate it.) Also, how do they not run out of beverage names? Can people be named after their favorite mixed drink? Agent Cosmopolitan? Agent Screwdriver?

Oh my god here are some agent names that totally exist within Statesman: Agent Beer. Agent Wine. Agent Scotch. Agent Brandy. Agent Gin (hard to say). I love this stupid organization. I hope Agent Beer is from Wisconsin. 

Eggsy jumping through Whiskey’s lasso was so fucking sick. I saw the movie with three other people and we all SCREAMED. 

Colin Firth in a wet white shirt can only ever make me think of Pride and Prejudice. Thanks for that, Kingsman. 

I knew I was forgetting something I really wanted to talk about: GOD SHITTING FUCK I CAN’T BELIEVE EGGSY AND TILDE MOVED INTO HARRY’S OLD HOUSE. I GET THAT IT MIGHT BE TIED TO THE GALAHAD POSITION BUT GOD FUCKING DAMN. It’s been a year and they haven’t redecorated? Possibly at all? That one bathroom is still full of butterflies and Mr Pickle is still mounted on the wall? 

Eggsy’s voice breaking and his lip quivering when he and Tilde talk about Harry. Kill me.

THE BREAKFAST SCENE MADE IT INTO A MOVIE PLEASE KILL ME

Harry and Eggsy are in love? They’re in love

I love Roxy so much. Did I mention she’s still alive? 

Agent Tequila’s thighs when they take him out of deep freeze. God damn. 

Just remembered that Eggsy was like “this dinner is really important to me” and everyone assumes that it’s the dinner with Tilde’s parents from the trailer but it’s his friend Brandon’s birthday party. ;___________;

I think that’s all I got. 

[sighingtirf]

It’s just...so hard to wrap my mind around all that has happened within this year.

And I don’t want to let go of it. I’m terrified of losing the memories. Time keeps going on, and that’s always fucked with me.

I want to be back in the old house, in the old neighborhood. I want her to be alive again. I want him to be hurting me again.

I dropped out of school at the beginning of October.

I went to the concert at the end of October. A few days prior, I went to a concert from a band he was really into, as well. It was at this latter concert that my altered states seemed to go away / merged into one/me. I didn’t realize that at that time, but looking back on it, that seems to be where it happened.

Then there was Halloween. I let him dress me up and apply my makeup. He helped her with her makeup. She was cute and having fun and taking pictures and posting them to facebook. He and I wandered around outside and talked about The Devil’s Carnival, and we compared ourselves to the Painted Doll and that angel dude who betrayed her, because I was dressed as a devil (and there was already a comparison between me and her before this), and he was dressed as an angel.

Early November, he physically assaulted me.

Early November, the elections happened. Trump took executive, and the other two branches turned red too.

Mid November I vented to my best friend six hours straight about everything he was doing and had done to me. I about had a panic attack when I recalled the physical assault, not having realized just how bad things were. I started really being able to put into words everything he was doing, and started really figuring out that it was abuse.

Shortly afterwards, I had a two and a half hour talk with him about everything. He understood and admitted to fault and apologized and talked things through with me. The next day he was so gentle and careful and I became more terrified than ever because it felt like walking on eggshells, when before it would just be constant stress but I KNEW when he was getting aggressive. I was terrified for months afterwards.

Three of my cats had to leave. We took them down to my grandparents’ house, but they weren’t allowed to go indoors because the cat they already had hated other cats.

The next day or so, we moved out of the house and into the new one; a few weeks prior she had received news that the rent was rising and we couldn’t pay it (and I heard her crying on the phone on her bed), so we had to find a new place. 

She went into the hospital not long before my birthday, as her mental state was getting to that point again. Although I wanted her here when I turned 18, I worried for her safety and valued her health. 

My 18th birthday was miserable, made better only through the fact that a mutual of mine drew my self-insert.

I soul-bonded with my self-insert.

She was still in the hospital by Christmas. Christmas was awkward. It was held in our house like my mother wanted--we’d been excited to finally have a big enough place to host Christmas this year--but she wasn’t there. My grandparents were, and my fiance and I were, but he was so awkward with them. It was all-around awkward and I wished it could have been happier and closer, but that’s hard to have happen when your fiance is secretly abusing you and is uncomfortable with most of your family and your mother is in the hospital being court ordered and otherwise abused by medical “professionals”.

I was crushing on a mutual, and it was getting more and more intense by the day. I was falling in love with him.

January, my mom got out and we held our own Christmas, even though it was late. She was so excited and bouncy.

My fiance raped me.

Later in January, she took my fiance and I to my birthtown. It was so nice visiting. We wanted to see snow, but most of it was hardened and we couldn’t really play in it, but I loved it anyway. We broke some random person’s sled because my fiance was insensitive and decided to coerce us to go on property that turned out to be private property. We had Wendy’s.

February, my mutual and I confessed our feelings for each other, and came so close to dating. And then the very night before Valentine’s Day, he bailed on me for some other girl. I spent all of Valentine’s Day crying. I made vent art of my self-insert being abandoned by his love interest, to be left with his abusive boyfriend.

Sometime in March, my mom went in for surgery; her boyfriend was getting out of prison soon and she didn’t want the possibility of having more kids because although she would love that, she knew she wasn’t capable of raising any more children. Then she got the flu. Despite this, she was relatively happy because for once, the people in the hospitals were treating her with relative dignity and respect because it was clear physical issues she was in for, not mental health or “something is wrong with me physically and I don’t know what please help”, and because her boyfriend was getting out of prison soon.

The beginning of the week. Her boyfriend got out of prison. She was so happy. So so happy.

Monday. I finally had a long talk with my fiance about everything. It was finally to the point where I had a chance of breaking away from him, safely, without losing the support I still desperately needed. Things were going to finally be okay.

Tuesday. My grandparents’ cat died. She was as old as I was. We’d had her since I was two years old. Everyone’s pets were dying that week...it was incredibly strange.

Wednesday. I woke up at around 4 AM to go pee. I heard soft talking and crying at the bottom of the stairs. I consider going back to bed, but I go down to find my fiance talking with my mom, who’s crying on the couch. She hadn’t gotten to see her boyfriend. She had sent him messages saying that she felt hurt that he kept brushing her off and wasn’t even talking about making time to see her, and he responded by being extremely cruel, sending awful messages--”it was like he took everything he learned about me during our relationship, and he used them all against me”. 

Thursday. My fiance and I contact an abuse hotline together, loveisrespect, which I’d contacted secretly twice before about him. He was looking for help and counseling, as an abuser, to learn how to better himself and not be harmful. Not much seemed to come of it, especially as the connection kept shutting down for some reason.

Friday. I went to my grandparents’ for the weekend, to visit an old friend and hopefully meet up with a potential hookup. 

Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. I didn’t know. I was ignorant what happened, what was happening at the same time I was meeting with my friend. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday.

Sunday.

I can’t.....

Sunday.

We went to church.

She was supposed to pick me up.

She wasn’t even answering the phone.

My fiance had messaged my grandpa, saying she wasn’t answering her door in the morning before he went to work, either.

Sunday.

My grandparents drove me home.

Sunday.

My grandfather ran up stairs.

Sunday.

He pounded on the door. Called her name. I pounded on the door. Yelled her name.

Sunday.

He finally managed to break down the door.

Sunday.

She was gone. She appeared to be there, but she wasn’t. Not really. she was gone. the medics came. they confirmed it.

we knew what she’d done. it was an overdose. she was gone.

time stopped the moment i saw her. it hasn’t progressed since. it’s still april 2nd, a little past 2 pm. it’s still april 2nd. it’s still april 2nd.

may. we moved to this new state. my first time living out of state.

june. apparently i’m a butch lesbian.

july. i have a radfem blog now. i’m a radfem, apparently.

sometime around this time, my soul-bonded self-insert left me, as connecting to me was messing with him and affecting his ability to survive in his own life.

late july. her birthday. her birthday.

august. i belive it was early this month, either that or late july, that my relative showed her colors and abusively screamed at me. later i come to the conclusion that my fiance had raped me back in january. i figure this out either the day before, or the day that we move into my first apartment that i have to pay for with her money, that she isn’t around to see. 

september. idk, don’t remember.

october. it’s october now. fiance turns out to be a radfem, too. comes out as a lesbian. my grandparents are making preparations to move up here too, and to sell the house they’ve had since before i was born. the house i grew up in.

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 2 - “Old Yeller Me Out Back” - DAN

Ep 2: So like, I'm annoyed because last round OF COURse, the other tribe picked to save jared. God i hope nicole goes because I don't want to deal with that shit every round its gonna be annoying.

the hosts are holding me hostage ;-; this is so sad. Lets see what tea I can spill. Roxy, Zach and I are basically in a poly and I think I'm gonna back stab him so I can only have Roxy for myself. I aint gonna share hurmph. Jealous wifeu. Oh and johnny idk if he backstabbed me but we were talking about dying so that's something

I was such a flop this first round, I’m literally embarrassed to still be here hahaha. I never would have played a game like this a year or two ago. Oh well, coming out of retirement has it’s disadvantages. As for the tribe, I feel really good about Ash and Dan and Augusto, they all seem great!! I want to work with those 3, I think an alliance would be great, but I don’t know yet how they feel about each other, so I’ll wait until I figure that out before I approach it. I want to try Jared, but it’s hard bc he’s been exiled so we really couldn’t strategize this round, idk who he wants to work with. I don’t feel good about JG, Frankie, Drake or Regan. Idk if they just don’t like me or if they wanna target me, but they have literally either ignored me/left me on read or had the most dry conversations with me. Like I’m so social, I can talk to anyone, but not brick walls, come on now. Ash told me yesterday that they were throwing my name around, which was terrifying. The only reason I didn’t vote earlier is bc I didn’t know if I was going to have to do something crazy. You can’t change your vote, so I didn’t wanna screw myself, but I guess that’s what I did anyway. I literally forgot about tribal, I was watching a damn Harry Potter movie totally clueless that I was getting a self-vote. So sorry hosts and audience, I don’t wish to disappoint and I am doing my best, but this is such a busy time for me. Hopefully I’ll still be here when my life is a bit less hectic. It’s exciting to be playing again, I just need to get my groove back hahaha

So Allison is gone..... am I sad about it? .......no.

Moving into this reward challenge, feeling pretty good about this team. We get along well, and a relatively quiet. Hope that's the same experience everyone else is having and it's not just me.

So far I’m in 0 alliances but I think that’s ok. In Ko Chang I was fresh off an ORG where I was a major goat and let someone else run my game and I wasn’t particularly nice to the other side, so I was a Nat10 essentially. Still got 4 votes tho by begging and pleading 😌😌😌😌but I went into Ko Chang wanting to change that and actually run the game to win and be respected, ended up getting blindsided for being too controlling, and now in an attempt to finish my business I’m trying to change my game AGAIN and succeed by building genuine relationships and I think I am. I actually like my tribe a lot and I think I could be legit friends with Ash and Augusta especially, vs last season I kinda disliked a lot of them on a personal level. I’m just gonna take it slow and build genuine relationships with people and be nice and maybe it’ll be what it takes for me to win.

Me throwing this reward challenge because I don't want anyone on my tribe to get closer to figuring out the idol has been found and I'm the one that has it? Sounds like a plan!! Crooks and Zach are "comparing" idol search notes with me and I'm scared because I was open with where I searched, but only because it was the FIRST FUCKING TIME LOOKING FOR IT!!! I didn't even know how to LIE about not finding the idol, but aye, at least I got one, so I'll take that as a W

https://youtu.be/6SiwJELGFp8

Okay so this rigging for Alex Crooks is UNREAL. First a graphic design challenge and now a music video challenge? Boiiii. I’m gonna kermit. I hate that this is how the game is starting. If we lose I hope I get sent to ghost island so I can chilllll. But they’ll prolly send JG or someone else who isn’t very active. *SIGH* I called with Jared for a little bit tonight. What a good seed. I probably talked too much game with him, but he seems really nice and all. Yeah he’s Nicole’s boyfriend, and that’s something I need to consider moving forward, but tbh my cold bitter gay heart felt warm talking to him. He actually made me genuinely laugh and seems like a nice kid. I’d be willing to get third for a Nicole/Jared final 2. I’d stan.

We won reward too! Let's just keep winning and not have to ever worry.

WOW We love an episode two winner edit starting to emerge!! Hi I'm Johnny. Some of you may know me a a sociopath, others may know me as the nice jewish frat boy, and others know me as the one who harassed Regan and overused VL Confessionals during Tumblr Survivor: Flops, but NONETHELESS..... Your king has arrived! tbh being cast for the season didn't surprise me, because I knew I was getting cast lowkey, but starting the game up and getting to see who is actually in this group of people is pretty stellar, and I'm pleased with it, especially me being on this tribe compared to being on the other tribe. I have started to feel confident in the social relationships that I'm working on, but lemme do a quick rundown ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Going down the line for initial trust) Mr Crooks - Well first off...... the last time we played together was over a year ago, in a little place called Japan, and it did NOT go well for him and I. I thought he was bad at conversations, he didn't want me to have a say, but just kinda vote with him instead, and he got VERY snippy at me when we were talking about getting rid of a villain, I proposed Sarah, and then he ran and told Sarah and almost got me sent home. But since then, Alex and I have become friends, and I think it's really good that we're in this game together. I am essentially going to play like a dickhead and try to make myself a top three person for everyone, and just hope that it can all get me to a swap or the merge, where I can start going wild. Nicole - I love Nicole to death. Another person i very much want to work with. I know the feeling may not be reciprocated, specifically from her boyfriend Jared on the other tribe, who has beef with me from Game Changers, but I am definitely hoping for the best now, and I think that her and I will definitely work together, at least in these early stages. Zach - Zach is one COOL motherfucker. Has a lot of super cool stories to tell, and we spoke a lot when we did 99 bottles together. He and I (and Alex) have been comparing notes for idol searches, so I think he wants to work with me. I can tell he still has some newb in him because he wanted to make a six person alliance with myself, him, Alex, Nicole, Vi and Roxy, but I just don't think a six person alliance is really what is going to help us at this point in the game.... it can only hurt us if certain people are smart enough, and I also don't trust certain people in that group :/ Ruben - Pretty solid dude. Just getting to know him, but he keeps talking about how I'm talking to him more than everyone else, so I'll take it as a win. Our conversations have been pretty one dimensional, but we spoke about who may be the first boot, so I'm not too nervous for THAT now Vilma - Another one I really think I can work well with in this game. She seems like such a nice soul, and I don't see that devilish side to her yet, but I'm sure it's going to come out at one point or another, but she seems very open, and I know doing 99 bottles with her is just going to initially keep me safe with her hopefully. Vi - Vi seems cool. I have been told she's a bit of a floater, I've seen it at times too, but I definitely don't think that she is going to be too much of a force, and if anything, her social game might lack, which can just help my positioning in this initial tribe. Would LOVE to work with Vi, especially dragging as many people who've done well in the past with me as deep as I can to keep other threats around me, but yea.... Vi is cool, and taught me how to make my own sushi, so we rollin Asya - I trust Asya, I want to work with Asya, but what I'm hearing the general consensus is that she isn't talking to people as much. I can agree I don't think our conversations have been STELLAR, but I definitely think we've spoken enough, so idk how everyone else is feeling, but I've heard a mix of Asya and Ricky being the least active... As long as it ain't me Roxy - I only trust Roxy now because I don't think she'd make the stab at me this early, and I'm trying my hardest to make her feel comfortable, werk up this ORG flirt I've got going on, and hope it takes me somewhere. We've played together twice in the past, and both times she has made a stab at me before I was able to make a stab at her, and I'm sure she's thinking the same thing in her mind, but also there are a lot of people who dislike each other and have beef, so hopefully Roxy can see me as a number for as long as possible and not make a move on me Ricky - I like you personally, but you've just been sick this whole time, and apparently you're friends with Roxy according to some people/what I've heard, so idk.... kind of scary, but we'll see what comes of us. I'll start talking to you more soon ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So yea, there's my tribe... I know I like them all as people, which is going to help me spread myself thin within the tribe, I just need to keep reminding myself to not stick my neck out or try to do ANYTHING substantial until later. I've gotta keep my social relationships in tact, I've gotta play the field, lower my status a bit as someone who could be voted out, and just hope for the best. Having an idol in my pocket certainly helps, and with my LOVE of music videos right here, I think I have a chance to get some "This Is Me" redemption, if my tribe actually would rather do that over Immortals, since we literally only have two options because Isaac is a dumb thot. This also spells Andrew all over it bc I gave him an idea similar to this for a season we hosted together, so yea. I blame all the gays. THANKS !!

Regan is kinda annoying me with her woe is me shit, Don't get me wrong I still love her to death, however she's complaining in the tribe chat about every suggestion we make towards the music video, and then she comes crying to my dms about how shes going to get voted out for every little thing she does. She also threatened to quit as well which is really messy imo. Idk if I can stay allied with her for long as I dont want to associate myself with paranoid messes.

I woke up at camp yesterday morning and was PARCHED, just simply like.....dying of thirst. So I decide to go out to the well, and there's a cute little parchment sitting there. It has my name on it and everything so I'm like....it's TREEMAIL FOR ME? JUST ME?? Amazing. So, I open it up and....it's a Legacy ADVANTAGE. I am so hyped honestly, but I have absolutely no faith in me to actually use this correctly in any way shape or form. The names on it are Johnny, Andrew, Crow, Jared, Me. So that means Jared must've found it at Ghost Island and willed it to me BUT, that worries me for him because I feel like people will think he has it and will subsequently vote him out. Which would just leave me feeling guilty because I shot my boyfriend, got him sent to exile, he willed an advantage to me, then his tribe voted him out because of said advantage which I still have.....I love a moral dilemma. I actually hate it. I know if we lose immunity again, the tribe is going to want to send Regan to Ghost Island which means that they will probably 90% vote out Jared. But, then again I don't know the tribe dynamics over there. I should have more faith that Jared can make connections and more faith in him in general. He did make it to 2nd when I've only made it to third. I contemplated throwing this challenge just because I have more faith in Vi or Ruben being at the bottom of our totem pole than Jared being at the bottom of his just because his tribe seems.......not invested enough to think it's a smart strategic decision to literally keep him until merge, use us for numbers but then chuck us away because both of us can't win an individual immunity. But then the challenge was a music video which is virtually impossible to throw and even more impossibly able to do it in a light that's not suspicious. I need to solidify an alliance of some sort or something like...this is too wild. I get how me and Jared can be targeted because of the whole couple thing and the fact that we are um....both kind of amazing at this, not to flex but....we're amazing at strategic thinking it's kind of what we do and just how our minds are built, his moreso than mine. But, like I reaaaaaaaaaaaaallly hope I can allude to some sort of weakness that makes people keep me around much longer and him around much longer again on his tribe. I'm not saying their tribe is gonna lose immunity bc that's cocky but, if it does come down to our tribe flopping at it, I might be set. I think Johnny might try to get me out that little rat. But, besides that I think I would have Asya and Ricky on my side, and maybe even Zach. It's hard because Jared and I are....an inseparable duo. I would literally never vote him out unless he like, asked me to. I know how much he invests in these games and would never do that to him. If that ends up being my downfall, I feel like I can't really be mad about it. Like oops, cared too much about my boyfriend's feelings and got voted out of an online game :// Anyways in terms of the game, the Legacy Advantage is going to stay a secret. I'm not telling a single soul and I have faith in Jared to keep his mouth shut about it too, seeing as though he might know what I've gotten? I doubt it would be randomly given to me and he'd have to have some knowledge if his name is written down on the bottom of it too. So far my order of people I trust (most to least) is Ricky > Johnny > Alex > Roxy > Asya > Zach > Vilma > Ruben > Vilma and I just called Johnny a rat so that's saying something. I just feel like I'm about to get the rug pulled out from under me. Oiy vey.

I cannot believe that Isaac has tailor made the beginning of this game for me. Flag Making challenge? Great. Casanova? My only good flash game. Music Video Challenge? Yeet. I hope my tribe doesn't expect me to pull this much weight, but I think I solidified my spot in the tribe. As long as Regan and Dan never interact with me in this game I think I'm solid.

https://youtu.be/dWtZc9xEfNM

That last vote was the HARDEST and WILDEST vote in Tumblr Survivor history… said no one. As sad as I am that I never really got to know Allison and as concerned as I am that she’s doing alright (we really don’t know), I’m happy she left and we got that out of our system. Hopefully, this will allow us to win and do the damn thing! My only concern is that Samantha self-voted last tribal and that coupled with the fact that her name was on the chopping block somewhat makes me a bit nervous. That being said, this is a case of deja vu that should really just stay in the past. What I mean is that I’ve always been the type of person that looked out for other people and it’s bitten me in the ass. In Bhutan, I took out an alliance member because I valued my friendship with Ari and it ended up getting me out since she was seen as more valuable and I was untrustworthy. In Great Lakes, I gave up the chance at safety at Exile for Emmon to save an ally and it got me taken out since I was also seen as a major threat. Samantha is probably my closest ally here at the moment, but if she’s on a sinking ship, I don’t mind using the only life vest on myself for a change. I think I finally figured out that while I am someone who tries to stay loyal for the most part, if someone is digging themselves a hole during the premerge, you just have to let it happen. Maybe a big part of my unfinished business is minding my own.

(A LITTLE WHILE LATER)

Reward challenges are always a mixed bag as people don’t try as hard since it’s “just a reward” and while that may be true, advantages of any kind in a game like this shouldn’t be taken lightly. Think about it from this perspective, our tribe currently has lost one member and likely to lose another (fax, no printer rip) so if the other tribe wins an idol clue then they have yet another advantage over us. If we swap next round like I think we might, a numbers disadvantage and the likelihood of not having a power just ruins our chances. But anyways, this wasn’t our challenge to win because this game is MESSY and people (coughAlexcough) are good at like everything. But yeah, I just wanted to put that out there cause it was on my mind. Also, I’m super happy that Jared’s back since he and I are pretty close! Although, I wish he would tell me about Ghost Island but I also shouldn’t expect as much this early on. We did talk about potentially making an alliance and who we would want in it and… it was a bit of us not giving out info and thoughts on the game. It makes sense, we’re in the “avoid too much game talk, anyone but me” stage but we did come to a consensus that Ashen is cool and that we both like Samantha and Regan, but it never evolved into anything else. Another challenge loss is likely to change the lack of info though, I’m sure of it.

Ya know what’s fun? Being on a flop tribe. I’m truly enjoying myself. Everyone I hate is on the other tribe so I can’t wait for a swap or merge so I can get picked off quickly :~) hehehehe I love it

i feel like the game is moving slowly because I need to just keeping talking to people, and I'm in no alliances yet, and I'm sure some exist, but I'm just GAH.... I wanna keep winning, but I also wanna swap next round to just get the strategy of the game going ffs Send help to my dying soul

https://youtu.be/mpgD-uqZknI

I like this tribe but they will not shut up. Honestly, it's nonstop. There killing my phone. I don't know how much more I can take.

Imagine being a racist and animal killer sympathizer and supporting the greatest showman?

(AFTER TAKING A WALK TO CALM DOWN)

Honeslee im just over this game hahahahaha. Like everyone else in our video sucked???? I mean I wasn’t like amazing either but like come on. Okay Ashen’s parts were cute. But Regan looked like that spinning Lana Del Rey gif. Besides losing the challenge tonight I got into a fight with both my boyfriend and one of my really good friends. So depression is real sisters. I’m spiraling. Maybe they’ll put me out of my misery tomorrow and Ol Yeller me out back. But until then I’m gonna make like Gabby on survivor David vs Goliath and cry.

So we lost because the judges liked their song choice a lot better, even though their video is a straight rip off from the one in flops. It's just honestly annoying if I'm being completely honest. Oh well I'm in the lowkey alliance with Ash, Augusto, and possibly Sam as well which is an interesting alliance tribe dynamic. I just feel good because the judges complimented me and Ash, and I finally completed a music video challenge! I honestly wish we won because I wanted a night off the stress of everything, but oh well. The first name I'm hearing already is Regan because she is being a mess, and I love her to death but messy players are dangerous in games like these. Still can't believe we lost to a fucking plagarized video its so crappy.

I pushed hard for JG to go to Ghost Island because IF it's anything like the CBS season then whoever is sent to Ghost Island will probably choose a power to be given to someone still in the game and I'm kind of praying that since I had a good relationship with JG while hosting him in Deception he might consider passing me whatever advantage he finds lol

okay so ive gathered there are three pretty inactive people on our tribe: vi, ricky, asya I don't think they're inactive per se, I just think they talk less to certain people, but I know Vi and Roxy are friends, and honestly I consider Asya and I pretty good friends too, so idk... Ruben says if we were to lose he'd wanna vote out Vi because Vi hasn't said a single word to him, so we'll see if that could be swung. It'd keep me safe another day teehee

I have never been more disappointed in competition results in my entire game career. The other tribe completely stole the theme and video and won with it ?? The judges literally picked them bc they love the song and they didn’t know it was stolen. I’m so annoyed and upset that we are having to lose another person, it makes me actually angry too. I’m also annoyed that Jared just like didn’t put me in the video. I sent him so many clips, and he used TWO! And I’ve talked around, he did that with other people too. Dan was the star of the video, so much so that the judges complained about not enough tribe participation. I’m not saying I could do a better editing job, I don’t even have a program to do so, however, I want so badly to ask Jared why the fuck he cut me out so much. I don’t even know who we are voting out this round. Ash came to with me an alliance of augusto and drake, which I love ash and augusto, but last round, ash told me drake was saying my name ?? I agreed of course, but I will be very skeptical of him until I know I can trust him. I wish JG didn’t go to ghost island, he’s the one I would want gone the most, just bc he won’t talk to me ever. I guess Frankie would be my next option for voting out? I love dan and I really wanna work with him. I also confided a lot of stuff in Jared last week, which is why I’m so confused why he didn’t put me in the video. I was wanting to work with him but now I’m not sure. I need to look for the idol before tribal tomorrow. I really hope my self vote last round and my absence in the music video doesn’t somehow target me. It would be a good strategy for Jared if he wanted me to look bad tbh.

Isaac is a racist

ALL AMERICANS SHOULD BE NUKED

so uhhhhhhh I wanna cry because I love all these mfs on my tribe. I don't wanna vote out anyone. other than think I THINK IM SAFE tonight because I have augstuo, drake, and sam in an alliance. but like no one is really safe. I don'td knownimmfucking high we are thinking reagan or frankie. personally, I'm thinking reagan because she scares the frick outta me. but I guess we will c

We're swapping tonight and Crooks is going to be on a tribe with Dan...... watch it happen L O L

Those judges sucked. Like wtf was that idk bruh Also I really like Jared and Augusto and can. But I already knew the latter 2. I think,its gonna be frankie and I like Frankie so that sucks. But I like everyone. Tbh it would be smart to vote jared out but you know whatever. I chose to work with him though because I like Nicole so

I’m in a tribe of stars. Cept if I were to make this metaphor they’re all long dead. Unless one is the sun. That’s the winner. I just want to be Pluto ;-;

The game is getting more difficult now that I am faced with going to tribal council. But I know I'm the smartest player on this tribe so I'll be able to figure it out. I went through 10 different phases of thought at work today, but I played my ass off to position myself so let me just date my perspective at this moment- 6 pm, before the 2nd tribal council, November 30th. Here, I'll try to paint a picture of the dynamic. -the nucleus of the tribe **/Dan and Regan's relationship -outer layer **/myself, Augusto, Sam -secret trio (weak trust level) **/myself, JG, Drake -Frankie and Ashen solo-dolo Dan initially floated Drake's name out, but I knew I didn't want that. I chose to bide my time, and everyone was slow to the trigger in terms of suggesting a name. I spent the day heavily cultivating every single relationship, except for Augusto who was not around much. This is fine because our bond is already quite strong. I really worked from the shadows today. I intentionally pressed Drake's insecurities and instilled confidence in him to throw out a name, without ever alluding to someone saying his name. I don't want to give anyone info until I need to, and I don't want anything being traced back to me. I got as much info as I could from Drake. He said prior to my conversation with him, he tossed around the idea of voting Frankie to a few people, and that they responded well. I waited to scout out if it would get back to me. Surely enough, Regan messages me about it. I really leaned into a proposed partnership in this game with Regan. It's unsettling because she can be a loose cannon. We'll see how that goes. I reaffirmed that it is not a bad move to vote Frankie, and slowly the name started to spread. I tried my best to lock it down with everyone without showing a bias. I called with Regan for a bit. I just want her, along with everyone else, to feel as good about me as possible. At this hour it looks like Frankie will be evicted. Things change quickly though. Trust Rankings: 1. Sam (she dangerous tho) 2. Augusto 3. Regan 4. Dan 5. Drake 6. JG 7. Frankie 8. Ashen

Shocker, we lost the immunity challenge! It should be my catchphrase at this point… but anyway, I’m sad we lost and I kind of thought we wouldn’t but not all things can go my way. A lot has happened over the past two days and I feel like I might be at the center of it all in some aspects? Firstly, Ash approached me about an alliance with me, Ash, and Drake which surprised me if I’m honest because Drake and I talk but I didn’t think he’d want to work with me and then I’m also surprised they are close it seems. Furthermore, we added Samantha to our alliance and it is something I’m super happy about since Samantha and I are super close. The only dilemma I have is that I am working with Dan, Jared, Regan, and Frankie as well and that’s basically the entire tribe minus JG, who was conveniently sent to Ghost Island. I love being social and whatnot, but these are the times where I wish I wasn’t AS social. Honestly, I’ve been trying to be more lowkey about it as well like leaving people on seen or going a day without a chat… but even then I can’t seem to make it work. It’d be a shame if my unfinished business remains unfinished if I’m seen as a social threat and am taken out because of it. So yeah, now that JG is away from the tribe I have to choose between people I can work with. In the alliance chat, Ash suggested we voted off Regan which is something I wasn’t super happy about because Regan and I are close and have the same enemies per se (ie. Johnny) and Drake thankfully suggested Frankie lowkey. Frankie is someone who I adore, but he’s too lowkey to ever really work with I think? Plus it makes the most sense to me since he is so quiet and it would be easier to keep tribe unity and not expose me as a player, which is why I tried to push for it somewhat. After we came to that consensus however, the info about Frankie being the target wasn’t given from me to others and that makes me seem lowkey as well (Regan and others told ME that Frankie was the target as if I didn’t know, which is cool). My only hope is that once JG comes back, he stays on our tribe if we lose again so he can be voted out and I can save face with everyone else. We love a complicated game (‘:

OKAY I SWEAR I'M GOING TO WRITE A CONFESSIONAL SOON I'M REALLY BUSY RIGHT NOW SORRY SORRY SORRY

[amomentoflife]

okayokay insert rant here

so im a bit hyped rn and just need to let some stuff out man there is too much on my mind sometimes my home my family my friends work my hobbies And then him but he is what i really can't talk about i mean I can talk about him it's not physically impossible it's just painstakingly difficult to admit how i really feel nothing seems to be in my control and i can't stop thinking about how we fit how when he touches me im not aware that someone else's hands are on me - but that it's him and it feels ... right ? im not sure how to explain it cause it's never happened to me before but it's like it's a part of me? it doesn't make my skin crawl like others do. it doesn't make me self conscious to have his hands on me. it feels like they're suppose to be there and i didn't even know it. then i think - am i making myself believe that? am I convincing myself that this is okay just so i can get what i want? is this real or is it another path to heartache? a bit of backstory on him: it might be about a year now since we met. a month later, the day after his birthday (which he shares with both my dad and my great-grandmother), we finally have sex. now at this point i had convinced myself i was no longer going to have sex with guys i barely knew or barely liked or didn't even like me. i hoped to find someone i could trust, get along with, find attractive, and maybe even see a future with. then he appears. our first conversation was unique and our second sealed the idea in my head that this guy could be in the running. (the topics on these particular conversations consisted of cunts and mushrooms respectively.) so i set it in motion. this seemed to be going my way. we have sex. it wasn't the best but honestly, it was my favorite time. the first time i wasn't drunk or high or both. the first time i had felt truly desired because of me. he wore a superman shirt. i got my lipstick all over him. he cooked me dinner afterwards. i took him home. we kissed goodnight. i lingered from it. he retreated away. it scared me but i pushed it from my mind and hoped for the best. i don't see him all weekend (we worked together). he barely texts me back. he stops responding all together. when i see him again - he tells me he was busy and i should be more understanding. so i try. I try so fucking hard. two weeks go by and my patience as worn thin. ive seen him talking to someone else. they're constantly together. i think the worst and hope for the best. finally, her and i work together without him there. i try to smoothly confront her. Me: so, are you seeing anyone lately? Her: yeahhh 😊😊😊i am actually Me: oh yeah?? anyone i might know? Her: yeahh he works here but we said we should keep it on the down low Me: oh come on! that's no fun! who? Her: well *all giddy and beside herself with puppy love* it's him Me: 🙂🙂😐😐🙁🙁😕😕☹️☹️😣😣😔😔😞😞😞😣😣😔😔😒😒😒🙃 i couldn't help myself when i told her the truth. she told me they were together on his birthday. I told him he was texting me the whole time. she went to have lunch with him. she cried. he apologized. she forgave him. he wouldn't even call me at first. idr what I said to get his response but he told me he wouldn't answer to ultimatums. i told him if he was ever my friend and if there was an ounce of good in him - he would call me. as I write this, i sit in the same spot on my porch where i finally got SOME of the answers i had been asking myself for weeks. was it me? did I do something wrong? why couldn't he just tell me? why wasn't he honest from the start? I barely remember the conversation but I still remember it clearly. i remember telling myself to accept it and move on. shit happens. your heart breaks. but seeing them together everyday broke it again and again. I tried to be friends with her. we were always laughing and joking and sharing stories and on the outside it seemed like real friendship. idk if it was for her - it might have been - but it never was for me. I kept wanting to get to know her more to figure out what made her better than me. why was she worth hurting me? she's pretty. sweet. funny. outgoing and loving. understanding and blunt at the same time. I always wanted her to know I never hated her or was upset with her which was absolutely true. truly. even to this day. but even now - i will always be jealous of her. at first I wouldn't look at him. wouldn't talk to him. whenever I did I was cold, mean, and just downright as cruel as i can be. I told more people about us. I belittled him whenever I could. I did ANYTHING I could to make him feel the littlest bit of how I felt. it never made it go away. I slept with other people. I got into a relationship with someone else but I never stopped thinking about him. everyday I had to stop myself from crying cause I kept asking myself why? why did this happen? why not me? why? why? why? once i returned from a vacation and he asks me why I didn't tell him I left. I said "why would I? We aren't friends." Months later, he would tell me that was the most hurtful thing I had said to him but he knows what he did was way crueler. once I hung out with them outside of work. I hated every second of it. I pretended I didn't at the time but that night still makes my stomach sick. around that same time - he told me that he thought his best friend and I would get along pretty well. I hated that thought even more. how could I be around him more than I already was? did he not see the torch I carried for him every time we looked at each other? or did he just stop seeing me entirely? did he ever? (apparently not since I also later found out he did it to turn me into a manatee) a few months after that I quit our job and finally stopped seeing him. in person and in my thoughts. he would creep in from time to time but I would push him out to gain the peace I so longingly craved since that morning after. then, three months later, I go to our old job on a night I know he has off. (We worked together for months and each had a set schedule to help make sense of my craziness.) it was a spur of the moment decision truthfully. I didn't want to go home and I really wanted to see my old friends. I wasn't there two minutes before I found out he was there. So I approached him. We talked like we used to. It seemed nothing had really changed. He told me he had picked up this shift on an impulse the day before. I told him I didn't plan on coming in until I was already on my way. He told me they broke up over a month ago. I told him I had some green. We left together and for the first time in 10 months, we had sex again. It was a very long night. Most of it more talking than anything else. He told me things I wanted to hear (I want to believe that it was all the truth but broken mirrors and all). He said he should have trusted his gut and gone back to me often. He said he was worried that we were too similar and too different. He told me he didn't want a relationship because of how soon it had been since her but if there was anyone he could be serious with - it would be me. Would be me. Does that mean it's not? We had sex again the night before. We've established we're both sleeping with other people. He tells me I'm everything he's attracted to. He tells me he's still slept with her after they've broken up. He tells me he always found me attractive - even more than he found her so. He told me there was no challenge with her. It was all vanilla. She wanted to party more than be with him. He said she broke up with him but he's happy with it. He said he thought of me. He said he missed me. He apologizes every chance he gets but I can't bare to hear it. It seems unnecessary and bit too late. My feelings grow and I can't stop them. I fantasize a future with him there and it almost seems to work. Then I remember. What's going to stop him this time? What makes this different than before? Time? Experience? Loneliness? Am I what fills the void for now? How long will it take me to get over him after this? Have I fallen for another trap? My approach this time will be different. I will not hold any punches but I will not give in until I know for sure. I will not hold it against him but I will not forget what lead us here. I am beyond scared of where it will lead but I will not withdrawal. I will be me until the end and I will not break if he cannot truly accept it. I will endure my own guilt, my aching anxiety, my wavering trust and my undying hope. I will keep my heart and mind open but I will protect both with my life. I will love and be loved in my fantasies and dread in the moments when I become aware that that's all that they could be. If we break I will mend and never look back. If we strive I will be thankful and perhaps be able to truly let go of the past. For now, I will pretend that I do not only want him. I will pretend that all is fine because in rare moments of time it really is. I will pretend that this is not killing me. I will pretend. I will. I will. My will be done.