#idk why ppl reach to find things to hate

[westwiiind]

I understand not agreeing w the common opinion on thw's ending, but how do you feel about its animation; specifically toothless' less detailed design?

i looove how vibrant the animation in thw is. it makes it feel very whimsical which, to me, is reminiscent of the books, which helps bring things full circle and bridge the two. i love it. the only beef i think i have with the animation is how they took away some of the texture in hiccups face. rip his freckles😔 i dont understand why there’s such a fuss on tumblr about toothless’ design though. i never noticed any changes other than some subtle aging and “domestication,” both of which make sense for the story. his changes remind me of how cats change when they’re rescued from the wild u know what i mean?? so i have no problem with it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i also like how HUGE he gets. by the time of the epilogue he is MASSIVE i love it!!!

[lilowoof]

ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD

Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!

[padawanlost]

just saw a text post about how leia killing a slave master when anakin was a slave himself is cool but i find it interesting how ppl can find rational things to point out for stuff like that but when its anakin disliking a sandy planet like its ridiculous thing for him to say? but made so much sense cause you know... he's been enslaved there with his mom as a kid. idk i guess im still bitter of hayden/anakins treatment of his character

I get it but I believe the key here is to understand this weird moment we are a living right now (suddenly the prequels are cool and *everyone* had always loved them) by separating the old negative crap we were used to, from the genuine takes coming from the new found love the prequels are getting.

What I’m trying to say is the people who are excited by the prequels, who are discovering the value of the movies for the first time or just rediscovering it after so long, are not necessarily the same people who trashed the movies and made fun of Anakin’s “sand issues” or Hayden’s performance. So, to me at least, there’re two different issues here:

1 – for the longest time PT fans and Anakin fans had to deal with unfair amount of criticism, hate, mockery and even attacks. These behaviors came from part of the fandom and the media because for the longest time hating on the prequels made you cool and a “real star wars fan”.

2 – we have a bunch of new fans (literal new fans but also old fans who didn’t like or didn’t want to be seen liking the prequels) who are now vocal about the PT-Era, who want to talk about it, to engage, to discuss and, you know, just share their appreciation for the movies.

I try not to mix the two, especially in this particular case. From my own experience with this fandom, the people who trashed Anakin for not liking sand didn’t understand his character enough to get the impact slavery had on the Skywalker family.

I’ve talked about the “sand issue” here before:

But, to sum it up, the meaning behind the “I hate sand” is pretty obvious once you look beyond “Anakin is whiny/The prequels suck/George Lucas ruined my life”.

“When I was in Level Three, we used to come here for school retreat,” she said. She pointed out across the way, to another island. “See that island? We used to swim there every day. I love the water.” “I do, too. I guess it comes from growing up on a desert planet.” He was staring at her again, his eyes soaking in her beauty. He could tell that Padmé sensed his stare, but she pointedly continued to look out over the water. “We used to lie on the sand and let the sun dry us … and try to guess the names of the birds singing.” “I don’t like the sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating. And it gets everywhere.” Padmé turned to look back at him “Not here,” Anakin went on. “It’s like that on Tatooine—everything’s like that on Tatooine. But here, everything’s soft, and smooth.” As he finished, hardly even aware of the motion, he reached out and stroked Padmé’s arm. [R.A. Salvatore. Attack of the Clones]

It’s about childhood trauma, privilege and systemic injustice and inequality. The sand physically represents everything Anakin loathes about his home planet, specially when compared to Padmé’s own childhood and home planet:

“This is Anakin. Anakin, this is Ryoo and Pooja!” The blush on the pair as they shyly said hello brought a burst of laughter from Padmé and a smile to Anakin’s face, though he was equally ill at ease as the two children. The girls’ shyness lasted only as long as it took for them to notice the little droid rolling behind Anakin, trying to catch up. “Artoo!” they shouted in unison. Breaking away from Padmé, they rushed to the droid, leaping upon him, hugging him cheek to dome. And R2-D2 seemed equally thrilled, beeping and whistling as happily as Anakin had ever heard. Anakin couldn’t help but be touched by the scene, a view of innocence that he had never known. Well, not never, he had to admit. There were times when Shmi had found some way to produce such moments of joy amid the drudgery that was life as a slave on Tatooine. In their own way, in that dusty, dirty, hot, and smelly place, Anakin and his mother had carved out a few instants of innocent beauty. Here, though, such moments seemed so much more the norm than the memorable exception. [R.A. Salvatore. Attack of the Clones]

[Ahsoka] was hyperalert again, all her instincts firing. One of these millennia she’d make a pretty good Jedi, probably. Provided he could smooth the rough edges off her. “Yes, Master,” she said. “You can trust me.” He frowned down at her. Was I ever this young? Was this how I used to look to Obi-Wan? He doubted it. Slaves lost their innocence while they were still in the cradle. [Karen Miller. Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Wild Space]

Of course, because it became a meme used to “expose” George Lucas inability to write, direct or even understand what Star Wars is all about (eyeroll), that’s what most casual viewer think about when someone says “I hate sand”. But, on a more hopeful note, I do believe we’re doing good work claiming it back, by talking about it and even making memes about it in a way that’s not offensive to the characters, actors or fans. There are healthy, fun ways to laugh at Star wars  without diminishing the experiences and feelings of others.

Anakin represents so much different things to so many different fans it’s impossible to put everything in one single answer, but I hope you know I do understand exactly how you feel. I’m also very protective of Anakin, flaws and all. And it does annoy me to see people dismiss him and Hayden’s work in ways that can be very…cruel. But, Prequel/Anakin’s fans are awesome and now we’ve reclaimed the prequels proper place in history as peak star wars, we are unstoppable!! So let them come!

They just can’t accept how incredible Anakin’s story is, and that’s their loss.  

“Anakin had always hated sand. It was one of the many things about his Padawan that Obi-Wan understood better now that Anakin was dead. That was the horror of losing someone: Understanding came too late.” [Obi-wan Kenobi in Jude Watson’s The Last One Standing]

[pastadoughie]

Read over what was going on with anon asks and your posts, and tbh, if you are 16 and you are reaching this kind of critical thinking and actively trying to better yourself through meaningful debates and convos, you are doing god's fucking work from early. I couldn't even begin to form the kind of arguments you are articulating at your age in your posts, so fucking kudos.

I have a similar opinion of sexism being bad no matter the form it takes, patriarchy affects everyone because it imposes roles on everyone, not only women. Breaking those roles on all sides and genders should be the ultimate goal, not try to benefit from the system to become the oppressor.

In any case dude, good luck with the unavoidable influx of people who will misinterpret your posts. Also, your art is hella cool!

i think that alot of ppl just have a rlly hard time like, getting over the gut response to defend themselves when they recieve some kind of serious critisism, like, i think ppl understand on some level that sexism as a concept is stupid, but it can be hard to fully see all the nuances it takes and like, actually recognize it when its subtler

sexism is bad and when i point out that alot of you guys believe ideas that are like, really sexist then thats like, im assuming none of you are like "YEAA SEXISM RUELZZZ!!!! I HATE PEOPLE BASED ON THIER GENDOR" and u rlly rlly dont wanna be lumped into that group

its rlly normal to not wanna be mischaracterized and if you dont self identify as sexist then when someone points out sexist retoric it feels like an unfair and reductive veiw of u

and its like, you really really really need to work past that, im talking abt this stuff because i want ppl to change and be better and if you want that for yourself u have to like rlly chew on these kinds of things

i think what alot of people have issues with is like, relatability in artwork, like "of course im gonna like art with queer women in it more and find it more valueble if im a queer woman" but i think that this points to a really rigid and uphelpful veiw of gender

ive discussed before that, because the mind numbing ammount of biological differences people have theres no actual objective definition of sex or gender, its socially constructed and entirely arbitrary and subjective

i think that labels for sexuality and gender are useful shorthand in our current society though ideally we wouldnt need them, but you need to remember that these things arent rigid

butch lesbian is not a definable group, gay man is not a definable group, they are arbitrary words that mean something different for literally every different person

likewise acting like those meaningless labels somehow make some artwork more or less valueble just points to a bias against people with a certain label

like, the labels dont mean anything they shouldnt change your veiw of a work, if you resonate with a peice of work why does it matter what label is put on it? why does that affect your veiw on the peice?

and yes you are objectively going to relate to some experiences more then others, but i dont think relatability should effect how you value the work, infact id argue seeing perspectives different then your own is incredibly incredibly valueble and, if your disregarding (even subconciously) certain things because theyre made by men then that not only hurts men but it hurts you, it isolates you

maybe i didnt word that perfectly im not always the most articulate but like, i think most of the issues people are having with this are coming from me articulating things maybe not as intuatively as i could or from people refusing to properly engadge with what i have to say

idk, regarding the people accusing me of transmysogeny i just wanna say that like, I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO TALKING TO YOU ABT THIS!! i want to be better and i dont want to be mysogenistic! and if you do see concerning behavior in me i want to be told of it, you keeping these kinds of things to yourself or refusing to engadge with me when i actively am trying to be like, thourough and nuanced about things is just kinda, not productive

[us3rnam3-r3dact3d]

tank angst tank angst tank angst tan*explodes* the tattoos?? hey!! im sick to my stomach btw. and the way you described that one scar trailing up their neck like kisses is a perfect contrast to represent abuse *chefs kiss* love it.

DAVID AND DARLIN CLEARLY CARE ABT EACHOTHER SM PLS WHY ARE THEY TORTURING THEMSELVES

tank rushes into dangerous situations without thinking twice about what'll happen to them, peep david doing literally the same thing just at a different angle, he constantly strains and overworks himself just to make sure everyone else is alright.

and then angel being a icon as usual, your honor I love them- I really like how you've written everyone's character so far, I hate when ppl depict angel (and even baaabe) as a defenseless child who needs a big strong man to do everything for them

they can be there for their man too!!!!

also i will die on the hill that angel secretly thinks tank is hot idc

-🦀

CRAB ANON MY BELOVED!!!

Tank angst is everything to me and I will never stop writing it. The tattoos!! I stand by Tank having a lot of tattoos, and in my brain they for sure have a bunch more than I described, but I just went for the ones that were important for plot reasons. The idea that they would let Quinn carve them up with a tattoo machine is DELICIOUS. I’m glad you liked that line about the scar! I’m particularly proud of that one. Angel in general thinks in very romantic, flowery language about everyone around them and so they can see the romance in a scar like that, even if it’s tragic.

THEY REALLY DO CRAB ANON THEY LOVE EACH OTHER THEYRE JUST BOTH EMOTIONALLY REPRESSED!! Angel is working on David, but the David Tank knew is a pre-Angel one, and idk if you’ve ever run into somebody you haven’t seen in a long time, but I find people revert back to who they were when they were together last, at least for a little while. I think David and Darlin are super similar, and they make each other brace for the worst parts of themselves. Eventually, David will reach out a hand in kindness. Eventually, Tank will take it.

Again, THEY ARE SO SIMILAR!! The self sacrifice of the well meaning can take many many forms!!!

I stand by Angel being incredibly capable, with and without David. THEY DESERVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM!! HE DESERVES TO BE TAKEN CARE OF!!!

I stand by the assertion that Angel very vocally and openly thinks Tank is hot.

[sug4r-sp1c3]

Hey!! i saw your countryhumans post and it was rlly cool!!!

can you do russia,canada,france and germany with a tall s/o??

(your blog is so cool!!!)

EAHJJD THANKS U SO MUCH ANON❤❤❤❤❤

Russia, canada, France, and germany with a Tall S/O

Russia

probably u are the same height of this mf lmao

congrats cuddling is more easy in some aspects , like surprise hugs/kisses/etc,

the part of the nicknames is

hard

the ""normal"" nicknames like bean, shorty, short stuff or things like that

literally-

go

and he stays with nicknames like, "Darling", "sweetie", "sugar cube", etc.

they can wear each other's clothes without problems

"sweetie is that my sweater?"

"i thought it was mine!"

"meh"

the problem comes if you would like your clothes to be loose,

hehe yes… discard that from your wish list

when you go anywhere you probably both have to bend over

like

c'mon

It's obvious but I wanted to say it

Germany

"WHY YOU CAN´T HAVE MEIN UR BAAACK"

"MF BEING TALL ISN'T THE SAME OF BEINGA SUPER MUSCULAR HUMAN"(idk i'm not tall)

this man LOVES you

he let you be the big spoon

he loves showing you off

"have you seen my partner? they are so tall just like russia, cry bitch"

but if you want it to stop just say so and it will stop, (like for 2 months and then it will, but only every like 2 weeks)

"germany stop-"

"okay!"

be prepared for lots of questions of "can you pass me that?", "can you hang that?" but that only happens when

A.- didn't find the ladder

B.- he gave up after a long time

C.-I don't know, maybe he can reach it but he just wants to try to talk to you

nicknames like "bean", shorty, etc are still there

"hey shorty can you pass me the salt?"

"ok but you know that i'm…y'know, t a l l?"

"ok, ok, but pass me the fucking salt-"

sometimes he has made jokes about him wishing he were so tall

lol

wait

I said they were jokes?

why the fuck aren't they

Canada

I feel that his type of person is the short ppl

but when he realized that he fell in love with you he said "FUCK I LOVE TALL PEOPLE"

he loves to steal your clothes

regardless of color

"bro, why do u have a (insert fav color, except red and white) shirt? i thought you hated that color-"

"who cares? it smells like my beloved and awesome partner and!-"

"now i understand why i love being single"

"sshshhsshsssushhhh"

i don't have to much ideas rn sorry 😭✋

France

protective asf

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE TALLER THAN ME IF SOMEONE WANTS TO HURT U, I'LL HURT THEM-"

I feel like this bitch would want to grab your waist but he ends up grabbing your ass

"darlin'..."

"yes mon amour?"

"that isn't my waist-"

"oh.... O H "

I feel like I would be proud enough to tell you "pass me that please!"

"I don't needed help…"

"honey you almost broke your leg a, THE DAMN LEG"

"OH, SHUT UP AND KISS ME"

"MAYBE I WILL"

"OH WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR MON AMOUR"

tall ppl >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>idk

"Y'ALL ARE JUST JEALOUS OF ME-"

"NOBODY SAY A SHIT FRANCE"

"I SAID J E A L O U S "

[stellawolfearts]

LISTEN, this is my inerpretation. if u dont see the things i do thats fine. idc. u have ur thoughts i have mine.

this is how i see macaque.

which ik most ppl wont see it the way i do and thats fine.

idk man hes pathetic but in a really really sad way.

He's self destructive, he's spiteful, angry, manipulative. hes an asshole.

but i like to think he's also loyal, caring and family oriented.

i have next to nothing to prove my coming claims but. here

say he was on ffm with wukong, lived there. before any immense trauma. He has wukong, he had friends, family. people he cares about.

but then wukong leaves.

the hunters come and take everyone from him. wukong comes back and brings a war. then ffm's burned down and everything he had left is gone.

reduced to ash.

so he goes to the only person he has left. he literally has NOTHING, other than Wukong. so he tries to find her. only to be told to leave. he's finnaly found the only thing he still cares about the only thing he has left and swk wants him to leave.

desperate he tries to antagonize the group to get them to kick out wukong again. doesnt work. he tries to kill trip. he ends up dead.

so in his last moments, he died with nothing, the only spark of hope he thought he had hasnt saved him. no it just. destroyed him.

so then he's revived. he still has nothing.

all he has is hate for swk. thats it. vengance spite and a need to survive. that will make anyone the asshole he is today.

but like. i see potential to be better. and caring. he needs to get his shit togethor but, if he had a friend. (cough-Mk-Cough) then i think he could pull himself togethor. not for his sake, but for this stupid kid that he's hurt yet still reaches out an olive branch. the only one he's seen in over a thousand years.

thats mostly why i like the mk and macaque dynamic

cause, mk isnt macaques fix. no. its more so. a reason for Macaque to pull himself back togethor.

Macaque has mostly never really had a reason, his only motivation fro anything is vengance against wukong and not dying. thats, a really sad life.

but if he has some other motivation like, doing something good bc mk would be proud, not doing something bc mk will be dissapointed and that first step can be a way to, help himself...help himself.

he just needs some other reason, something to live for other then vengance and then one day, one day he can make more friends, make up with wukong. pull himself back togethor after losing everythin. even hismelf

yeah.

[yagamisdiary]

I have a love hate relationship with the fact that you enjoy making us suffer throughout the entirety of your books and making us think they will have a bad ending just to give us the best possible endings ever 🥲 ugh i love you so much youre my favorite author ever, while im here i apologize for the incoming paragraphs but i just need to say it:

1. Idk how you do it but the book covers you choose are always so perfect like?? Idk if im explaining myself but i feel like they capture the vibes of the books perfectly

2. Ok now this is kinda personal and i dont mean to sound like im venting, but have you ever read a fic that impacted you so much to the point where you find yourself still thinking about it to this day 😭 bc that's how i feel about both of ur books, they're so beautifully written and i'm always thinking about the characters or going back to read random parts of the books (edit: i had this paragraph written way before parasite was removed okay but i started rereading eldia yesterday because im truly heartbroken, devastated, downcast, miserable, dejected and inconsolable by the fact that its finished)

I discovered you in july-ish 2021 during parasite era but didnt actually read it until june 2022, i was devastated when i finished it but also had to cleanse my soul cause i accidentally burnt my self out during the last few chapters (i mean it in a good way lol, it was rlly hard to read the last 2 chapters 🙇‍♀️ they were written really well and i felt unsettled while reading the beginning of y/ns whole breakdown, i could feel the gloomy depressed vibe it had if you get what i mean), so anyway i moved on to Eldia. At that time, it was fairly new so there were only like 10 or 11 chapters, ive been keeping up with Eldia ever since and its truly bittersweet to see it end like i was literally full on sobbing for no reason 🥲 probably the sentiment of being a reader for 2 years idk lol. Anyway what im trying to say is that your books were one of the only things that helped me escape reality in 2022, i didnt really find joy in anything and hated my life, however ive definitely improved ever since, so im honestly rlly thankful for you Amara 💕

Edit: i just know it sounds stupid and youre probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but i've had this written out for like 5 months and was kinda scared to send it because i felt like it was corny, but with Eldia's resolution i felt encouraged seeing all these people tell you what they think :P so sorry for the long ass paragraph lmao, i just needed to say it because i know in 10 years ill be a grown ass woman and still thinking about these books, theyre attached to my brain forever (like a parasite, ironic)

Ok so i doubt ppl will read this (or that you'll even read all of it) so if you reached the end i must say that you actually ate with the baby names in Eldia 🤭 im saying it here to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone but Andromeda 😪 i remember in early july i sent you an anon ask saying that i pictured you as a girl mom and even listed a few names, i was gonna list Andromeda so its kinda funny to me 😭 and Elrose?? Andromeda is my fav name but Elrose grew on me and i actually rlly like it, idk why it just sounds and looks so satisfying OMG DAMN I JUST SCROLLED UP AND DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?? IM SO SORRY AMARA 😭😭 i definitely had way more to say but i feel bad now, it was gonna be an anonymous ask but atp i'll just let it be public

to conclude i must say that whenever someone asks me what my favorite books are, i hate that im not able to say "Oh my favorite books are parasite and eldia" because they're considered fanfics and not 'real books', i think thats really stupid, not only because fanfiction is just as valid as what ppl consider 'real books' but because there are so many fanfictions turned into real books or movies?? Ok im done (for now) but as you can tell im not really good at going straight to the point sorry for writing about 10 paragraphs love you queen vivan las escritoras latinas 🤞

1. honestly i find a pic that fits the vibe i want the book to give before i even write the story then i just somehow find a way to incorporate the cover

ex) eldia’s cover is jean with wine all over him, iykyk there’s an exact scene in eldia that references the cover

2. thank u so much 🥲 the ppl who have stuck around the longest always say the most sweet stuff bc yall really have been alongside me for so many years now and were like growing together which is kinda cool

3. i wanted a name that had ambrose and elijah both in it and it was either elrose or embrose but i ended up liking elrose more, embrose was too similar to ambrose

4. i don’t mind the length of the message at all! i love love love reading all the stuff i receive and the ones that are the longest stick with me the most. 🫶🏼

[determinate-negation]

Sorry this is my last message to clarify just a couple things and then I’ll stop bothering you bc I think we’ve both asked our questions and made our points! I didn’t ask about the books that was someone else. Seems a little self important or condescending to assume so but I guess I shouldn’t assume that myself with how easy it would also be to simply get confused. I’m not crazy. And I’m not just trying to hate on u honestly u seem like a perfectly nice and fine person and seriously I’m not just saying that. I have agreed with a lot of what you’ve had to say I don’t think we’re on two different pages here. I think my main point of it all is more that so many leftists are wildly unacknowledging of the injustice and flippant cruelty of pretentious and pompous attitudes towards others. The consequences of that are significant. Those who are given the space to be a “dialectician” with a “psychoanalytic” approach have it as a very exclusive right. So maybe let’s not be so harsh on fellow queer people because they say or do things we think are “corny”. Reminds me of incessant infighting and it’s sad and frustrating. That’s what I mean by getting a grip. And I said we and collectively get a grip bc I think it’s something we’re all guilty of not only you personally! Sex for a lot of ppl especially queer people has been traumatizing. So if someone has been able to find love instead of trauma in their sexual practices, even if we think they are “cringy” for how they made that happen, why do we feel the need to shame them? Tell them how awful and repulsive it is? Is that not also somewhat awful and repulsive? So idk it’s not just a “let people enjoy things” type of thing but something more than that. Bc real working class or uneducated or poor people have “cringy/corny” or “unenlightened” opinions all the time. And that is okay, it’s unreasonable and out of touch to assume otherwise. But they will not be lectured shamed or intimidated into revolution! It just doesn’t work like that. Like as leftists we really do give the vibe sometimes that if we become the most enlightened informed best opinion haver ever we have reached our peak and others who haven’t done so are “corny”. We should screenshot the fellow wretched queer corny doers posts and make public complaints of shame and ridicule. This is so normal and good I love life!! Lmao so idk yeah I didn’t want you to think I sent the message about books too because that would be really weird if I did lol! Peace be with you and goodnight <3

“Seems a little self important or condescending to assume so but I guess I shouldn’t assume that myself with how easy it would also be to simply get confused.” come off anon and i wont confuse you for anyone, like i said you could message me if you actually want to talk. im sorry for how my post came off to you that you took it so personally. honestly were on entirely different pages. i literally dont even know what to say at this point this is insane i think youre extrapolating a lot. when you dont support the cringe working class for their tweets about bdsm…

[ohgodimafraud]

.

im really just watching my body mind and soul decay in real time huh. i hate the drugs im on rn I hate them I hate them im going actually crazy rn I started sobbing bc I was like I have no food but I just spent 200 on groceries yesterday so idk how that even makes sense like wdym. And it’s easy to make. Im like bouncing off the walls but moving is like exhausting and my job is lots of moving so I reached my limit and I can’t work out to get rid of it bc if I go up the stairs too fast I wheeze and like am in pain and idk what to do honestly I was like let’s sing and play uke or guitar and that hurts let’s do this I can’t. I’m so tired of watching tv. It’s like day 23 of this and I’m terrible and sad and like am not functioning and Ik I’m not but I’m doing enough at least at my job but nowhere else and like that’s at least a W but that’s my one W. Like hahahahaa I’ve taken so many Ls I’ve fucked so much up already and also have not and nothing actually makes sense anymore it’s like that funny feeling like Ik these meds are making me better but they’re making me so much worse at the same time I just want to sleep I want to cook and eat and like work was everything and I don’t have much this week and I can’t relax and I’m like haha what if I’m actually dying tho!!!! What if I’m dying like. This isn’t normal for me and idk if it’s worse in my head bc I’m crazy or if like I’m actually declining or if this is gonna mutate into something worse again and I’ll just never get better idk. Maybe my immune system is forever fucked. Idk how ppl who go thru so much worse get thru. Like idk if my life is actually ending ig it’s yolo balls to the walls idk like did I even ever live. A kid asked me about my bucket list today and it’s like oh id like to travel and luckily they had a lot they wanted to do so I didn’t have to talk bc I don’t know. So why don’t I actually do it instead of waiting to die idk :) but idk I want to hold hands in front of a Christmas tree I want to shop for gifts for our families with my friends I want to celebrate something I want to be free I want to meet the friends I still haven’t seen irl i want to dance at a club again I want to learn guitar better and ukulele. I want to see myself grow into someone I can love and I’m so scared I’ll never get there rn I’m so dramatic but it feels so real and lonely I’m tired of going to the doctor and finding new things wrong. Limerence sounds like such a pretty word and it’s not a pretty feeling and it’s like so familiar and painful and it makes me feel so evil and cruel and I just want to be better and not sick inside and out

[golbrocklovely]

who is shea and why is do ppl hate when colby is around her.. are they like a thing or something?

i feel like i get this type of ask every couple months haha

i don't mind it, just find it a bit funny.

shea is a friend of colby's that's he had in his life since 2015/16. he's done a couple collabs with her on his personal channel way back in 2017, and then one in 2020 (i think).

they have been shipped in the fandom since day one, which is why a lot of ppl either assume or believe they have dated or are dating. this also depends on how new the fan is or not.

as for why ppl don't like her, it's a bit complicated.

i'll try to explain this is the quickest and simplest of ways.

basically since ~2018, she has constantly been very coy about their relationship, even tho colby has outright said they haven't dated or aren't dating. way back when, during a livestream that i saw, she was asked multiple times if her and him were dating and she would just say "guys, you know i can't tell you" or shit like that. instead of, you know, outright sayin him and her weren't dating which would be the truth.

constantly likes edits/pics shipping him and her together

is in group chats with fans telling them info about her and colby, but mostly colby

liked (and still does) edits that shit on the girls colby is friends with/is shipped with also

this caused her to get into some hot water bc she liked hate edits that shitted on amber scholl, then got called out for it, didn't apologize at first until it finally came to a head, only to then send an apology to her gcs who then posted her apology. but when fans called her out for THAT, that's when she finally publicly apologized, saying that "women need to support other women" and that she likes everything and that she didn't notice it was a hate edit and that she'll be more careful about it in the future (which she wasn't, she just didn't get called out for it)

told a gc of fans that colby and andrea russett back in 2019 weren't dating (bc ppl were shipping them two at the time) bc andrea was in a relationship with someone else, someone that andrea herself never even came forward with to her own fans until the relationship had ended. the only reason shea did this was bc it ruined the idea that shea kept telling fans: that her and colby were together.

there was a fan that was both popular and hated in the fandom back in 2019, i'll name her m. reason ppl didn't like her was bc colby gave her notices, and then on top of it her """"fans"""" wanted ppl to ship her and colby together. ss spread of m saying she was dating colby (idk if this was true or not bc i never saw it myself), and shea commented on one of the posts of m's ss. m messaged shea, shea left her on read. a couple days go by and m gets dms telling her that shea is talking shit to other fans about m. m messages shea again, gets left on read again. then m gets even more dms about shea talking shit about her. shea was telling fans that both her and colby don't like m and that they were going to "address the situation" in a video. m messages her again, left on read again, m reaches out one more time, and then shea blocks her. then on twitter, someone asks shea about this fan and the things she was apparently saying, and shea pretends to not know who this fan is and has "never heard of them".

liked comments last year, or the year before, saying that fans ruined her friendship with colby. and while this isn't problematic, it's fucking not true and also hella douchey to put the blame on young fans instead of your old asses.

random other shit ppl find sus about her:

she buys followers. like a fuck ton of them, on insta.

lied about her age/birthday (or that famousbdays got it wrong)

ppl got photos of her from her mom's facebook and then she tried to pretend that that facebook wasn't her mom's (even tho it definitely was) and say that fans were trying to start shit by doing this. idk this situation was a bit messy and i didn't really understand most of it.

her fan accounts always seem to pop up just in time for her to post something/something with colby (aka she's telling them when she's gonna post something with colby)

things that she alledgedly has done (but i haven't seen proof of):

her fans planned a coordinated attack on stas on here via sending hate to my askbox about her

has been called out by girls colby has been hooking up with (on a livestream a girl said that shea was colby's watchdog, a possible ex years ago said that colby needed to "keep his bitch on a lease", another girl said that shea just looms over colby and will be rude towards other friends of his that are girls)

she apparently told fans that years ago she rejected colby and that's why they weren't friends for a hot minute back in the day

multiple fans of hers constantly say they are secretly dating and usually these are the fans that are close to her

there is probably so much more i could say if i really went thru all of the asks i've gotten over the years, but this is mostly it.

now this isn't me also saying that colby has no part in this. he does. i think he knows to some extent the shit she has done but doesn't tell her to knock it off. not to mention he also likes edits shipping them or comments praising her. he plays into the game just as much as she does, the difference is she does it more often then him, and even that's not completely true.

[troglobite]

re: abandoning idea that you're special

currently trying to deal w this bc it was all so mundane.

but the way i've been treated…like it hurts MORE if i accept that the reason ppl treated me that way is just bc they're boring and mean, and i was a convenient target.

it hurts MORE if there's nothing for me to change abt myself and try and learn that way. it hurts MORE if my pain therefore doesn't matter to anyone.

like my therapist keeps saying this shit is PROTECTIVE, it's not just punishing myself, it's protecting myself from a reality that hurts worse and makes me mean less.

it doesn't HAVE to, but it's not easy or simple and it doesn't make me feel better, and given everything else going on i'm sort of just too tired rn to fully come to grips w this.

i don't think i'm special in a positive or negative way, just unique in a stupid way.

it's also really hard to accept if i have never met a single person w the same experience as me that makes me feel the most pathetic.

like not identical but there are a few things where i'm like, okay even ppl who say they relate still had xyz and i didn't. not trying to nitpick or be special, but it makes me feel worse when someone in THEORY is like I Get It! and then they v much don't in a way that makes me look more pathetic

here i'll be specific:

d/von pr/ce also just posted abt this

there was a lesbian who msged them and said early 20s, haven't ever been kissed, on a date, no one has expressed interest, what should they do? what's going on? is it just bc they've missed the flirting bc they're autistic?

and the response was stop being self-obsessed and pay attn to other ppl then pursue ppl and ask for what you want, don't be passive in your own experience of attraction, etc.

and i can't speak for that person, but

why would i ever do that when i have spent my entire life being ridiculed for existing and other ppl have thought it was a JOKE when i found someone attractive

like

idk abt that person, but for me it is very much not me being a PASSIVE PERSON or NOT PAYING ATTENTION to what i like or find interesting abt others

i am not self-obsessed (in the Make People Like Me way) to the point that i don't pay attention at all

piloting in conversations AT ALL is VERY DIFFICULT, and that INCLUDES just trying to learn abt someone

i'm just tired and angry. nothing i do has a good outcome. with people.

and it's not--my passivity or obsession w Being Likable (which arguably i have deliberately failed at multiple times in my life) that made me lonely or confused.

it was the hatred and bigotry of other people

and these two forces are always at war in my head

"stop telling me everything wrong w me and my life is my fault. it's not. stop acting like me taking a ~simple~ action will fix it, it won't. i'm trying my best and right now i'm so tired i'm just conserving energy and trying to even mentally and emotionally think abt and process everything that i haven't bothered REALLY thinking abt before."

and then also

"there must be something fucking wrong w me for so many ppl to so casually and mundanely HATE me. i must be bad at conversations. at people. i must be annoying. i must be doing something wrong. if i could just figure out what."

and then the advice is always

unmask!

stop worrying abt that!

take an active interest in people!

as if being unmasked and trying to be interested in people hasn't been LITERALLY THE INCITING INCIDENT FOR SO MUCH OF MY, again, very boring and mundane abuse.

so no, reaching out and taking an interest in people and asking for what i want isn't going to go well. it's also a pandemic and I CANNOT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE so my options are LIMITED.

and no, unmasking is incredibly painful with very limited benefits.

i am a very precarious point in my life, and i can't imagine being MORE VISIBLY DISABLED is going to help me AT ALL.

and no, abandoning this idea that i'm "special" is not helpful and not possible at this moment.

that lesbian that reached out to DP is younger than me, and that is still the closest i've ever come to someone ACTUALLY relating to me on that front.

i have never been on a date. i am almost 29 years old. people consider that a RED FLAG abt me.

everything i listen to has ppl expressing surprised or amusement if someone hasn't had sex by a certain age, or kissed by a certain age.

or ppl saying "it's fine if you're a late bloomer lesbian, in my experience most of us don't care if it's you're first time with a woman"

how about first time, PERIOD? how about first relationship, PERIOD?

it's just this whole part of life that i've never been a part of and i WANT.

i was interested in boys in school. i DID pursue them. in the classically awkward but not overly creepy (as far as i can remember) way of young preteens and teens.

and it was never received well. it never went well.

i'm just tired.

i don't want platitudes "oh life will be better if you do xyz" or "tons of ppl share that experience, it isn't unique"

i want an actual person w the same experience to look me in the eye and say "yeah that happened to me, too. it was awful."

i pay so much attention to other people that i have fun fancy little categories for them all in my head. not in a mean or limiting way, but where i get to see them grouped w other ppl and i can see Patterns in humanity--what i've seen of humanity.

i think abt my friends & other ppl & their lives and appearances and experiences and what i like abt them or just thinking abt them and taking them in.

yes i pay attn to making myself as inoffensive as possible--but based on what i know abt those ppl. i couldn't do what i do if i wasn't paying attention to other ppl in a very close and important way. all i do is think abt and anticipate how others might feel. i try to be considerate. i try to frame my language in a way that's helpful or clear to them. i don't want to hurt them or show that i misunderstood them if i did--i want to make sure i understand them as much as i can.

conflict is a part of life, and in theory it's fine--the problem is that even productive conflict rarely ever goes well for me. even if i want to address it. even if i try and handle it REALLY well.

i'm just tired of responses that flatten out the REASONS why things go poorly, the REASONS these are the protective strategies and masking i've had to learn.

my "problem" is that i don't care if it hurts me. and that no one cares abt my hurt.

but i've had to pay close attention to others my whole life. i've had to do things to make life survivable. and i don't even have it that bad.

i'm in this stupid grey area where it's not that bad so i should just get over it.

then i get yelled at for comparing myself to others, when it's all i've been taught to do.

everything i do is wrong and my fault and i'm tired.

[troph4eum]

ik its been a while since I've posted anything. that's my fault I get distracted easily and forget things. recently I've been feeling insanely misunderstood. it's become a craving to have someone understand me. to hear what I say and know what it means without me having to explain it 12 different ways. I'm not good with words. I have a good vocabulary I'm just not good at picking them. maybe the words for what I feel don't exist yet. I wish we lived in a world where neurodivergency wasnt looked at as a disability but just a difference.

idk. everything in life seems cater to people who arent like me. idk if there is rlly anyone like me. I don't relate to anyone that much. no one's into the same things as I am. and if they are its never as much as I am. no one goes through the kind of problems I go through. not because I'm going through something unimaginably bad. it's just so unique and I've never even heard of anyone dealing with these issues the same way I am. maybe I'm just treating my limited knowledge of things people feel as absolute fact. there's probably someone on here rn feeling the same way I do and talking about it. we both just don't know it. and we'll probably never meet.

idk I just hate being the way I am. if I could be like everyone else I would do it. even though I love being different a lot of the time I realize the more unique you are the less people understand you. I relate to gojo bc of this. not bc I'm so far above ppl that I can't relate to them and they can't relate to me. it's not like that at all. it's just that need to be understood for who I am not for what people think about me.

it makes me reconsider the idea of trophaeum. if I reach this pinnacle that won't make other people understand me. my inner balance won't change that no one gets what I'm saying and I can't express my thoughts in words because the words I need don't exist. all I can do is get progressively more frustrated with the people around me until I do something destructive. I think my dog understands me. he empathizes with me more than people do. I love him he's my best friend. it just sucks because I know he's not going to be around forever. it's like being a parent who outlives their kid. its a sad thought. that the life you raised from such a small age doesn't get to succeed you and carry on into it's own.

I've been thinking about death a lot recently. the idea becomes more appealing over time. maybe I've already lost my mind. I thought I was losing it earlier but maybe I'm already gone. sometimes I feel like a husk. like a nobody. I always really enjoyed roxas' character even though I've never played 358/2 days of kh2. I watch plot synopsis' and playthroughs though. he's such a complex character in comparison to others like sora. his fight for individuality is really moving.

back to being understood and understanding others I think about the human instrumentality project a lot. I realized that I couldn't understand shinjis actions for a lot of evangelion because not only am I not in that situation but I'm also not him. my brain isn't the same. the way we process different events is completely different. and that's why it's basically impossible for people to understand eachother. unless you find someone who's just like you. which is highly unlikely. but that's what the project is for. the third impact. the merger of all humans into one collective consciousness seems like the only way for people to understand eachother. but at the same time I think things like bigotry and the lack of value placed in empathy is what's really causing this. maybe we can't understand eachother because we don't live in a world that promotes understanding. if you're not like everyone else you're seen as a failure. a waste. someone who's not even worth the air they breathe everyday much less all the resources they take up by existing. I guess all problems do source back to supremacy and capitalism. but what can I do about it. propaganda has shut down most talk of anti capitalism and whenever the idea gains popularity the people speaking about it get assassinated so there's no chance for any sort of success. maybe this world just wasn't meant for people like me. and that just makes the idea of death that much more enticing. but ig I can ride this life out for at least a little bit longer. just to see what happens.

[baekhvuns]

Omg yes ofc I'm reading remarried empress and I HATE her previous husband, but glad he did what he had to Bcz then navier wouldn't HV met our Heinrey!! AND WHY DOES THE EX HUSBAND LOWKEY LOOK LIKE SEONGHWA ?!?! 😭 OR AM I GOING INSANE?

Ngl i always love these types of tropes and i rmr writing one where we have two couples but instead they fall for each other's significant other. Idk it was funny and also a lot drama was instilled too.

AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HEINREY WHAT AN ABSOLUTE GENTLEMEN! A MASTERPIECE! HIS PARENTS DEF MADE HIM OUT OF LOVE (if thts not the case then this remark didn't age well) AND HE IS A BIRD?!?!?! 😭 and navier named him queen 😭😭 Duke Kauffman looks like mingi 😭 (imma say it, HEINREY reminds me of blonde San or Yeosang, fr) ok I've been thinking....does Heinrey have a degradation kink....

imma make a list of how I think the characters in this manga remind me of Ateez

Soveiushu reminds me of hwa

Heinrey reminds me of San

Heinrey's blue haired company (idk his name yet) reminds me of Hongjoong

And Duke Kauffman reminds me of mingi

And Laura is the 2D representation of me.

DUKE ERGI IS WOOYOUNG YOU CANNOT CHANGE MY MIND?!?!?

and I was also going thru the comments of president's Escape and people find them TOXIC?!?! ....if they're considered toxic I wonder what they consider non toxic...

Anyways NO YES THT IS THE EXACT REPRESENTATION OF ME AND MY DAD 😭 so I am the youngest and I hv an older sister and an older brother, my sister is the the eldest, so my dad obviously gives his daughters much love, not that he leaves my brother behind but we're kinda his favourite 🤧 and my mom is completely biased towards my brother. But when we unite, we make fun of each other so much-

Like yesternight, my mom wasn't home, she had a few things to take care of so all of us had a blast, well just me and my brother my sister was busy studying, and gorl was it fun, we watched Lockwood and co, and some Silly other series just to laugh over while munching on snacks, we literally slept at three 😭

A CEO fic, titled as Chanel no 5

.......and you've been hiding this gem 😧

Istg when thts released ill ascend ASCEND TO HEAVEN! SO YOU BETTER BAEKS! I mean Seonghwa's whole aesthetic was made for CEO tropes like-

Ayeee ik kai ain't leaving and I'm all here for it! But it makes me wonder if kai is like the whole cupid in the series....dude is kai the creator of the universe? 😦 like I can't keep up with these lores and I bet I'm spouting nonsense rn, but like what if he created the whole universe and he is the god 😭 I'm def spitting nonsense I should shut up

Yes the only rent I'll ever be ahead on is for baekhvunsland 🙌 omg we should like make a flag and also make a chant for our cute little queendom 😭

I'm glad ur Better yes i will take care of it like I hv a child I promise 😭 OMG I HAVEN'T REACHED TILL THOSE CHAPTERS WAIT IM GONNA SPEEDREAD TONIGHT 🔥🔥😤 DAMN NAVIER'S BROTHER ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A WIFE? (again if he's married then this remark didn't age well)

Omg the bl tht I hv been reading 😭 the recent chapter was so wholesome, so haebom (Balck haired guy) gets into a fight, well not him but some villagers ask him to sell of half of the village for the construction of a new city which he did not like so the men start to yell at him and sung ho (the single dad) who was at a day care centre (haebom drove him there) goes out and sees what's happening AND HE HELPS HAEBOM OUT 😭 AND LOOK AT THE BABY

IM CRYING PPL EVEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO CALL HER UGLY 😭 she looks like she was ready to fight!!

hello omg this is a day late im so sorrybfkwhdwk

GIRL I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH BUT HES SO HOT 😭😭😭 UR RIGHT STOP EVERYTIME I SEE HIM I SEE SEONGHWA AND IT MAKES ME MAD BC I HATE THE DUDE AND NOW I ASSOCIATE HIM W HWA 😭😭😭😭

omg???? wait there’s actually a movie on this exact plot and it was so controversial fbwkhdks

HEINRY IS FHKQHDWK OH MY GOD SCREAMING CRYING BEST BOY THANK U TO MY MAN BIG BOY EVERYTHING EVER very much my type this was actually a very disrespectful realization i had reading the webtoon <3 HIS PARENTS PUT ALL THEIR LOVE IN HIM IM SO GLAD THEY DIDNT USE A PROTECTIONBFKWHK AND A BIRD 😭😭 I LOVE A TROPE LIKE THIS imagine seonghwa but his shifting animal is a panther.

he absolutely does have a degradation kink. his wife’s an empress (DOUBLE EMPRESS) theres no way he’d be born if he didn’t like a women who has him WRAPPED around her finger. if he was irl, id rob this man of navier

hienry as san….oh my god, that’s LITERALLY HIM

STOP THATS LITERALLY THE BEST CASTING FJKWHDKW WE NEED THIS IRL !!!!!! ERGI IS LITERALLY WOOYOUNG KFKWJDKAH

LMFAOOOO THATS SO CUTE 😭😭😭 U AND UR DAD BESTIES 4LYFERSSS 😭😭 crying this is a scene from a fic omg,, i can relate bc today i fell up the stairs and my dad came laughing </3

ive been hiding it for years this was a draft from 2021 originally AND HES SO INTIMIDATING IN IT I WILL PASS OUT ON SPOT FBKQBDKW CEO X FAKE DATING AUS???? PRIV SECRETARY X CEO BFKQHDKW STOP THOSE PHOTOS HWVE ME SCREAMING

wait did u just create a theory even i didn’t think of 😳 CHAERSSSS HELLO ???! a chant for baekhvunsland but it’s all about seonghwa 😭😭😭

PLS READ IT I KNOW U ALREADY MAY HAVE HOW ARE WE FEELING ABT THEMFBJWDW I DESPISE RASHTA SHES LIKE A RASH THAT WONT GO AWAY AND NOW COPYING NAVIER???? 🔫

WHY ARE THEY CALLING THE BABY UGLY GNAKHDKW LOWKEY BUT ITS SO CUTE W THE BONET THING 😭😭😭😭 this bl gets more fun every time u mention it, tell me more <3

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

hello. i don't know where to ask this so maybe you can give me ideas. i been feeling like i'm stuck in this black hole and i can't see myself out of it. i'm constantly tired from work, the minute im done i want to sleep. i dont have time for myself. i dont like myself right now. my mental and physical health are shit. i desperately want to change that but idk how? i feel like maybe working out would make me feel better but i dont have the energy... i barely have energy typing this out. these days im just extremely exhausted and it might be the depression im guessing. its getting worse. ppl keep hitting me up asking if im ok but im too exhausted to answer or care to. i dont feel like anyone understands me even if i did explain how i crave looking for something new to fixate over so i dont feel as empty as i do now 😞 i feel like im not even me.

honey, you just typed out "i have severe depression" but with more steps.

everything you just said is classic signs of depression. all of it. now, it's certainly possible that there's some other disorder going on here that's causing depression along with the fatigue, seeing as how "fatigue and depression" are symptoms of all sorts of illnesses - such as chronic fatigue syndrome and hypothyroidism. but if you're not having other noticeable physical symptoms, we're going to set aside that possibility for now.

depression absolutely causes serious exhaustion, it causes you to feel isolated and like people don't like or love you, even if you intellectually know they do, it makes you feel bored and restless as you're unable to focus or find enjoyment in the things you used to love doing, it makes you abandon all your old interests to just lie in bed every minute you possibly can, it makes you hate yourself because you don't want to live like this, why can't you just fucking get up you useless shit, and maybe you wouldn't actually kill yourself but wouldn't it just be such a relief if you didn't have to be alive anymore?

yeah, that's depression.

depression also does its damnedest to convince you that no one could ever possibly understand, no one wants to hear about your stupid problems, people would laugh at you if you told them because you don't have any good reason to be depressed, it would be a catastrophic disaster if you told people how you feel.

depression lies.

you have a real, serious problem caused by a real disorder in your brain chemistry, and it's not your fault that you feel like this. you are not exhausted and miserable because of anything you've done wrong, or anything you haven't done that you 'should' have. and, maybe the most important thing i can say to you: you can't fix this by just trying harder.

a person with a broken leg can't 'try harder' to walk normally, right? they need medical attention and outside support to heal back to a place where they can function normally. you have a metaphorical broken bone in your brain, and it is completely natural and okay that you need attention and support to recover.

since i don't know where you live or what level of medical care you have access to, i can't give you step-by-step instructions, but i genuinely believe that it's crucial for you to do everything you can to reach out to a mental health professional and ask for some help. i very strongly believe that you should consider trying antidepressants, even if you've tried them before and found that they didn't work, because it's quite common for someone to need to try different medications to find the right one.

there is no shame in taking medication. i take multiple medications, including an antidepressant. i would, quite frankly, take anything that pulls me out of the black hole and allows me to feel like me again, which is what the right antidepressant can do for you. it's not a miracle cure and it's not a sign of weakness, it's just a tool that helps you feel capable of living again.

i'm going to link you some of my tags here that will give you a lot more advice and guides on what to do next.

depression

therapy resources

going to therapy

mental illness resources

how to talk about it

i know this is a lot, but i hope it gives you a place to start, sweetie. this is really fucking difficult, but you can talk to someone and ask for help. there are people who care about you, no matter what your brain says, and they want you to have the help you need, they want you to not be miserable. even if they can't understand exactly what you feel, they care. don't listen to that lying bullshit in your brain, okay?

you are loved, and you deserve the help you need.