#if you use or take inspiration from my designs please tag me! i'd love to see em

[nosferatu-png]

Realized I hadn't posted this yet!!! Updated ghoul designs + Copia 🦇

(Some closeups under the cut)

[toon-topaz]

Can we use your designs for the Voices as inspiration for our own designs?

Yes you can, I'm totally fine with anyone taking inspiration from my designs. Please tag me if you post them, I'd love to see what you come up with.

[mauesartetc]

PSA regarding character design asks

For those of you who are new here, if you take a look at the "character design" tag in this blog's archive, you'll notice I post a fair bit about the subject, sometimes helping others improve their own designs. I love getting these kinds of asks, as working out design kinks is a fun challenge for me (despite urgent life shit delaying my response times. Folks who've sent me design asks in the past few months: They're in my drafts and I thank you for your patience).

But recently I received an ask that displayed some rather disappointing behavior, and I thought I'd take this opportunity to nip it in the bud. This isn't a callout post, and I'm not trying to sic the shame squad on this person. I just want to stress to all of you that this isn't okay.

The ask included an image of a character they drew and some brief paragraphs of background information. Typical fare for this kind of ask. Everything was fine until the last two sentences.

I have to confess that I shamelessly stole the [clothing article] from [someone else's character design]. But since [worldbuilding info related to a real-life thing the other person's design was based on], it made perfect sense.

I looked up the original design they were referring to, and sure enough, they had traced so much of it that half of their design wasn't really theirs. Because it "made perfect sense."

I'm going to say this in the most civil way I possibly can.

ANYTHING. Would have made more sense. Than art theft.

"But Maue, it's just part of a design, not the whole thing". Doesn't matter. Theft is theft. And I want to make it clear to everyone reading this that if you think it's in any way acceptable to rip off another character designer, my posts haven't taught you a damn thing. Frankly I'm a bit insulted that this person assumed I'd be complicit in this.

For the record, professional designers do NOT steal from others, or at least the good ones don't. They might be inspired by an existing design, but, importantly, they'll use other inspirations too, and put their own unique spin on it. It's just a starting point, not the final product.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but this ain't just imitation; it's the equivalent of copying another kid's homework in school. This is cheating. I've had one of my own characters shamelessly ripped off before, and there was nothing flattering about it. It just made me feel used, like a parasite had sucked me dry. I never want anyone else to feel that way, and I hope to God none of y'all do either.

Folks, if you want to design your own characters, do the research and actually design your own characters. It's really not that hard. Sure, the first attempts might look terrible, but at least they'll come by their shittiness honestly. Ugly art that tried has infinitely more charm than gorgeous art that didn't.

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, but I take this shit seriously. So please don't send me asks containing stolen artwork. I won't respond and you'll earn yourself a block. Fair warning.

Don't get lazy. You know better, so do better.

Thanks.

[rurus-kadoo]

Trying my hand at a pinned post!

Hiya! My name's [LOUD REDACTED BEEP] but you can call me- well, what you call me will probably depend on which site you found me on! My username is different on most platforms.

I will respond to any of these names regardless of where you found me, but here's a list of all my online names:

Found me on Tumblr? - Rurus, Ruru

Found me on Discord? - Tip

Found me on AO3? (Really? 👀 Please talk to me about whichever fics you liked /gen /nf) - Bee, B

Found me on Musescore? (Hiya bestiesssssss) - USG, Underswitch

Important info:

I'm a baptized Christian gal, and I believe in kindness and respect for everyone, even and especially if we don't agree. I'm open for friendly discussions on this topic, and will never take any points brought up personally, so don't worry on that front!

I'm a minor, planning on going into medical research after highschool thanks to a content creator called GoodTimesWithScar! He and the other Hermits are such an inspiration <3

Speaking of fandoms! So many. This is a variety blog and I will never condense it - also, no real tag system, sorry :/

Timezone CST (we have Joe Hills From Nashville Tennessee in this timezone so we're obviously the best timezone /silly)

Not comfortable with some romantic terms of endearment ("marrying you rn" is not good for me, "hugging you" and "love you" are), NOT comfortable with nsfw under any circumstances (looking at you, bots with real people icons and/or "sem titulo" blog titles). Don't mind language, but will not partake myself unless very emotional.

Posts I'd like to save:

[mikasa-last-hope]

Hi! If it's not difficult for you, answer my question too! What is your fluffiest Rivamika head canon and what is your most angsty Rivamika head canon?

Hi Anon !

Thanks for you question, I will do my best to answer it. Don’t hate me…

My fluffiest Rivamika headcanon :

Levi is the only one who succeeded in making Mikasa laugh. It only happened once and it wasn't a big laugh, more of an amused chuckle but it was the closest to a laugh you could hope for from a sober Mikasa. And besides, Levi is very bad at telling jokes so Mikasa is also the only one who at least chuckled in amusement rather than laughing in nervousness or embarrassment at one of the rare jokes he knew and with a particular humor.

Levi won't admit it but he might have felt a little flattered and curious… He will then try to repeat the feat a few times but without success. Until he was SO bad that he managed a second time to make Mikasa chuckle… Even if it was in a mocking way, the black irises were shining and the sound sweet wasn't really unpleasant, he decided that it might be worth it a little.

My angsty Rivamika headcanon :

Even though Levi was offered to return to Paradise, he always refused. One of his reasons was that he was a little uncomfortable seeing Mikasa again, even taking the risk of it. As proud and impressed as he was when she decided to sacrifice the person who was dearest to her for the sake of humanity, he still can't help but feel a little guilty… The news of Mikasa that Armin gave him (thanks to the letters that he exchanged with her) didn't help. Although she claims to be fine, they all know her well enough to guess that she hasn't grieved yet. Levi can well imagine her spending her days at Eren's grave… neglecting herself, not eating properly, not caring about her appearance... it had already been seen in the past, he had never liked this image and still doesn’t like it. If only he had been in better shape, he should have been the one to kill Eren, as he had promised at the court... Mikasa might have hated him for it, but it might also have given her the strength to really move on, perhaps more easily. And above all, he would have spared his subordinate from this terrible burden…

A few years or decades (whichever you prefer) later, Onyankopon informed Mikasa that Levi had died and that he had designated her as his heir. It was a little strange because they hadn't seen or spoken to each other since Eren's death... She had only heard from him briefly through Armin's letters. Although she didn't understand Levi's decision, she went to the Continent, discovered where he used to live. He had left behind only a few things, some clothes, books, a tea set and his 3DM equipment... nothing really valuable, naming her was symbolic, she understood. Onyankopon, Gaby and Falco had taken care of him… But Onyankopon confirmed the feeling she had, despite the fact that Levi seemed to have had a peaceful life here, he seemed a bit empty and lonely despite their company. So Mikasa decided to repatriate Levi's body. She gave him a simple, intimate and neat funeral. She didn't forget to tie his emblematic necktie around his neck before burying him next to Erwin, under the name of Levi Ackerman.

She visited Levi's grave at least once per month to keep it clean. And each time, she couldn't help but feel a certain regret for letting him die alone on a foreign land. Not to mention all the things they hadn't talked about or said to each other…

Et voilà ! I hope my answer was interesting and relevant. I tried to stay realistic since for me a headcanon has to be plausible with the canon. So I tried to write two headcanons that can fit with all the ways you can ship Levi and Mikasa (love, friendship, comrades...etc)

If this question inspires you, I'd love to read your fluffiest and angsty headcanons in a comment or post (please tag me so I can see and read them). Also feel free to tell me what you think of mine. 😉

[eli-elien]

I posted 1,041 times in 2022

446 posts created (43%)

595 posts reblogged (57%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@elytrians

@chemicalleak

@small-spark-of-light

@shrikeicee

@shieldherostuffs

I tagged 877 of my posts in 2022

Only 16% of my posts had no tags

#rotsh - 355 posts

#rising of the shield hero - 101 posts

#elijah renard - 95 posts

#naofumi iwatani - 94 posts

#tate no yuusha no nariagari - 79 posts

#mcyt - 48 posts

#dsmp - 34 posts

#mcytblr - 33 posts

#art inspiration - 33 posts

#therufumi - 32 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#filo and raphtalia are regular humans without animal parts and maybe naofumi's adopted them before the apocalypse and is single til he meets

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I've decided to redesign my c techno design since it's been a long time

I'd say this techno is pogtopia arc to retirement. I'm gonna do several other designs after his execution and doomsday

Some concept sketches!

I've been really loving those designs of him being very bulky/fat and I really wanted to lean more to trevor esp with his face shape and cape

He's quite a big big lad like c Wilbur looks like a toothpick compared to techno

The eyes I came up with myself due to being indecisive and coming up that he's a human/piglin hybrid who takes his blue eyes from his human parent and red/gold from his piglin parent :]

made a whole fic abt that actually

As much as this is pretty old to me I really do love this esp it being my first fic ever and something I wrote after not writing for at least two years give it a read if you like em duo and like hcs abt technos past!

167 notes - Posted May 31, 2022

#4

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TECHNO 🐷🎉

Please reblog I put 11 hrs into this /nf!!!

305 notes - Posted June 1, 2022

#3

Do you remember me?

Remember to reblog it helps alot thanks <3

I remember the scorching sands and tower that looked down at us Us, who were fighting to a bloody end to win To win a game that could never be I wake from a dreamless sleep to find you You, who I stare into with my lilacs and poppies in hand You, who I gazed into with my many eyes A drop of a tear like a falling staglagtite I ask, I plead, saying "Do you remember me?" All you follow is a blue spector As blue as the sky, ocean and the tears I cried The tears I cried, as I laid my claws on your chest and started tearing As blue as those quaint flowers with the sun severing shining in its center You ask what they are for And I say "For mourning"

Heres it is without the text :]

See the full post

316 notes - Posted June 19, 2022

#2

"As long as I can’t be the next Schlatt, you can’t be the next Wilbur."

don't forget to reblog <3 <3

399 notes - Posted November 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

A wolf in sheep's clothing

529 notes - Posted June 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[cottoncandy-cult]

My Rules

@ I am not taking requests at the moment, I will likely open them later on once I'm feeling more comfortable with my writing.

@I do plan to write a lot of smut, I have a wattpad for my more sfw writing. I may post some sfw here but make sure you read my warnings, ageless or underage blogs that like interact with my NSFW writing will be blocked.

@Please don't repost my writing on other sites

@ While I will do some reader insert I will likely do a lot of OC writing, I have a lot of them as I do like to make characters when I get bored. I'm not all that good at doing digital art so I usually use CHARAT to create their general designs. I may post some of my character bios on here and while I'm not taking direct requests if I write something using one of my OCs and you'd like to see more of that OC I will accept recommendations. If I ever get popular enough someone wants to make fanart for any of my OCs feel free, just please tag because I really really wanna see it. If you'd like to feature or write about one of my OC's please ask first, I'd enjoy seeing my OC's get some love but at the end of the day I do own them and I'd just like to see them treated respectfully.

@ I am interested in making friend's but I'd like for the friend's I make to be somewhat mature, we may not always agree on things but that doesn't mean there needs to be drama when it comes to the things we don't agree on. Basically if you can't agree to disagree then you're probably not the one for me.

@ I don't usually write angst, if I do please be understanding as I usually am channeling my own personal pain or anger. I may even take inspiration from my own experiences, I will place trigger warnings where needs so please heed the warnings. It may become more than you can emotionally handle, you can step away if you need to just please don't get disrespectful.

@I may not always edit my writing; I'm doing this on my own without much assistance. Many of my skills may be pretty amateur such as my banner making skills, and I'm still trying to get comfortable with writing smut as I'm afraid of doing too much or too little. I can't really afford to pay people to edit or make these things for me and I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to directly contacting or interacting with people. (It sucks believe me, I've always wanted to reach out or talk to some of my favorite writers but I'm way too scared to even try.) So even if they have banners they let people use for free I can't bring myself to ask for permission and I'm afraid I might forget to credit them once and it'll blow out of proportion. (I've been a quiet reader on this site for a bit, I've seen how small things explode and I don't wanna be involved in the drama.)

@I'm still learning how to write and use this site so please forgive me if it takes me some time to get an organized Masterlist up, my posting schedule will also likely be chaotic until I'm comfortable as after attempting smut I always get flustered even if no one has read it and it makes me wanna hide for a bit.

PLEASE BARE WITH ME WHILE I GET MYSELF FIGURED OUT, I PROMISE I'M TRYING EVEN IF I SEEM A LITTLE SCATTERED WITH WHAT AND WHEN I POST. I MIGHT POST A FEW OF MY OCS BEFORE I ACTUALLY WRITE MY FIRST OFFICIAL POST JUST SO I CAN GET IN THE HABIT OF POSTING ATLEAST SOMETHING.

[newtclan]

🌊 Welcome Home.

- This is a blog dedicated to the in-progress story “The Haunting of Newtclan” (inspired by the Warrior Cats series by Erin Hunter).

- Created by @surfledblues and originally inspired by the incredible Clan allegiances generator of @wcsprites— eventually I built on the random concepts and loved the result so much it evolved into its own entirely new thing!! :}

-Currently it is mostly respectful rb's of cat art I admire and take inspiration from for the project-- please please let me know if you'd ever like me to take any rb's of your art down though!! I know some artists don't appreciate their work being used that way & want to be respectful of that. Just shoot me a dm here or on my main <3

- My current plan is to upload comic pages here irregularly, as they’re written. I currently have about 2 chapters (3000~ words) completed in my first rough draft — the end goal is a full fancomic.

- The premise revolves around cunning descendant Slitherstream, whose coming of age leads to her discovery of a hideous family secret. Though her ancestor Newt is long dead, a potent legacy lives on in the words of the Clan, the secrets kept, and — dangerously — in Slitherstream’s ego. As one warrior begins to carelessly wield frightening power, the Clan must grapple with the threats in their midst… the greatest being their collective haunting by a dark, unchangeable past.

- Heavy emphasis on religious themes, intergenerational trauma, and semi-dark comedy.

- Trigger warning that Newtclan’s story explores generational + religious trauma, cultlike structures, psychological abuse, coercion, and a whole lot of murder. Please skip if you’re not comfortable with those and stay safe!

- Important Links:

Read From The Beginning

Allegiances

Info Hub

🦎 (More key info under the cut!) 🦎

- I’m also planning to post more on the characters, universe, and lore to help readers dive in ;) I’m interested in exploring relationships and letting you get to know cats within the Clan— feel free to send in asks and you might get an in-character reply or two… 👀

- While inspired by the Warrior Cats series and containing the Clan structure, this isn’t set in canon. I’ve been inspired by some fandom-created ideas for ranks which Newtclan includes (for example, Starseer and Nurse are both Clan positions.) Newtclan is the only group of their kind, the founder stealing using the structure of her former Clan — though otherworldly events (think Starclan) still take place.

- I’m also aware of the anti-Indigenous themes of the original Warriors series and will avoid that to the best of my ability in Newtclan’s story!! (I highly encourage being critical of the source material.) While Newtclan includes a connection between nature & spirituality, the similar harmful Indigenous trope is not something I want to contribute to. It’s important to treat such subject matter with sensitivity and I intend to. That’s not something I want to bring from canon to here. That said, please feel free to send in an ask if anything comes off as insensitive or harmful, and I’ll be willing to listen and address that!

- Current character designs are made up of both my own creation (though I’m not exactly at the skill level I'd like yet) and Picrews (always w/ credit!) You’re more than welcome to draw them if you want, just please tag this blog and let me know!! I’d be forever obsessed with you :D

- Please bear with the mod as this is my first ever undertaking of a project of this scale and I may take time to develop it :)

- That’s all, thank you for reading. May the tides guide you <3

[artobotsrollout]

Harbingers AU Q&A 1

Awww thank you so much @warrioroffandoms!!! This is super motivating and I'm so glad you liked it!

Lemme answer/reply to your points properly!

1. Can we get some obscure bots too? Like Perceptor!

Absolutely! I already have a few in mind and even ideas of what they'd look like in TfP. I didn't consider Perceptor but I think I will think of a good place for him now that you mention it since he's a really fun character. Even if one character doesn't end up in the early part of the AU I'm open to including them in later parts when the squad is on Cybertron! Just a heads up tho, they will be my own take on them so they will be varying levels of different from their other continuity counterparts.

Other characters I might add:

-Swindle

I'm still figuring out his role but I like the idea of him being sorta a neutral player who runs his own little store for shit one side or the other needs.

-Mirage

The conflict potential with an Autobot noble oohoohoo!

-Hook

With Knockout ditching the Decepticons, Megatron need a new medic. I like that he's a snob, so I'm gonna run with that and make him a high caste medic who joined the Decepticon side.

-Blitzwing

He would largely be based off his design in Travis Knight's Bumblebee cause that design seriously SLAPS IMO. I'll get into why it slaps when I design him. Personality wise. I don't think I'm going to go with the TFA characterization, but I think I will keep some of that chaotic energy. I think I'll also have his emotions change on a dime.

-Steeljaw

I kinda have to. I mean... In RiD they did the whole crossing out Decepticon logo thing started by him so... I gotta. Also just.. Having a beast former on the team would be dope. (Also gives me an excuse to expand with my own BEASTFORMER LORE)

-Dinobot

I started reading this dude's wiki and he has so much potential! An ex predacon! ? Yes please. Except his name is just... Dinobot???

I'm salty.. It says Rattrap called him Chopper face in the show so... Maybe I'll just have his name be Chopper or something but Miko calls him Dinobot cause his predacon form looks very reminiscent of dinosaurs and the nickname catches on or something like that.

Feel free to yeet other characters at me to consider. I may or may not use them but it'll give me inspiration nonetheless.

2. I really want to draw/write some fan-works of this! It's beautiful

First of all thank you so much!! ❤️ ❤️ I would absolutely adore and cherish any fan-work made of my AU whether written, art, or otherwise. I'd absolutely inhale that so please tag me or send it to me or SOMETHING so I can scream my love.

3. Finally someone else realizes the chaotic goodness of Wheeljack and Knockout!

OH YEAH they have so much potential to create so many problems. I actually have an 'episode I wish we had' post I wrote which I'm now making a part of this AU. They get along like a house on fire

[selimunfridhirako]

Shinji Hirako x Reader

💜 The First Date💜

A/N: I haven't been writing much and I do deeply apologize for that, again this is my secondary account, my first is @targaryens-blog I'm no longer allowing submissions no longer accepting requests at this time but for selimunfridhirako I'll have the ask box open if anyone would like to send anons just chatting or discussing topics. now that's out of the way I am taking a break from writing bnha/mha and will be focusing on creating Bleach content! I'll be tagging a few of my favorite bleach blogs I've found while trying to find good ol bleach content writers and here's a few to list^^@shinji-slut @sexintheseireitei @seireiteisins @hirako5hinji @buriedinbleach @jazzandzanpakutos @theseireitei @thesecondcircleofkel

First I know none of us talk I'm just simply a fan of all your works and you all inspired me to write bleach again your all my favs and truly hope you never give up writing for your favorite fandoms. This is my first official time writing for Shinji Hirako and I guarantee it won't be as good lol but that's the point! I just wanna write whether it's good or not. Please enjoy this scenario! Also tagging @so---ft & @fi16ns ! Much love

-Tara

_______________

Word count: 17k

Warnings ⚠️: minor Alcohol use

Pairing: Shinji Hirako x Fem reader

Prompt: You finally worked the courage to ask Shinji on a date after years of pinning after the male. How will this might turn out?

•••••••••••••••×ו••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••

*You shouldn't be this nervous. Twiddling your thumbs and eyes down casted. Your head soon followed the sound of Shinji's voice, complaining about being hungry. You giggled mostly to yourself before sighing. Your heart soars everytime he's near, shake your head when hiyori and him are having their little spats, you go out of your way to even bring the blonde new magazines to read for his downtime. Way more than you'd like to admit. Your friend nudges you and smiles. "Just ask him if you guys can talk privately, it'll be okay." They say. Oh how easy you wish it could actually be. To work up such a courageous act to simply ask a man on a date. It'd be much easier if he would do it instead. Girls don't ask boys out, do they?. Finally after minutes chewing on your bottom lip you finally stood from where you sat and casually sauntered over to where he was sitting on the couch. Face in hand, his light brown eyes scanned the room before landing on your frame. He noticed you're tense shoulders and opted to sit upright and his attention on you to hopefully ease you Of whatever nervousness you're feeling. "Shinji.. Can we go outside and talk?." He smiles sweetly before placing his magazine on the couch, forgotten and getting up to follow you out. Now here, him standing in front of you, the idea seemed far more difficult than before. His slouched position and hand in his pocket, his free hand begun scratching the back of his head not knowing what to do now. You start to feel your chest feel extremely heavy, and heart begun to drop in your stomach just by his body language. You were scared shitless on what to do now. "Nice day out, huh?." You said trying to start some small talk.*

*Shinji's head looked up towards the clear blue sky before mumbling a "Yeah." In agreement and leaning his back against the wall of the warehouse for support. Shit. This couldn't get any worse. Your eyes closed and mentally slapped yourself at how pathetic you were being choosing to play with the hem of your sweater instead. Little did you know that Shinji was watching your every move and expression in his peripheral. And decided to break the ice for you.*

*"So, whatdya need ta talk ta me bout'?." **Your (eye/color) eyes finally met his calm one's. Feeling ease creeping into your every fiber and relaxing, but only a little. "Well, I. I just wanted to know-. " you made a humming sound through your nose and rubbing your arm to calm your nerves. * *'just. Ask. Him'*

*"Date.. With. Me?." Silence. All that could be heard was the sound of the wind rustling the loose leaves on the street. Soon though, his smile grew into his signature smile and his eyes twinkled.*

*"Yer askin' me out on a date (Name)?."*

*You couldn't Shake your head any faster almost causing you to get dizzy at the eagerness. Before a soft smile shown on your features.*

*"Y-Yes! If. You want to.." Why were you so nervous? You've been on dates before? But then again asking first was singlehandedly the hardest thing you've ever done.*

*"Hmpf. Nev'a been asked by a cute girl before. T'sound nice. When is it?." His smooth voice rang in your ears and heart lept with excitement.*

*"How's 7:30 pm?."*

_______________________________________

Here now in your room, You stared at your reflection for the 20the time, finding something new that needed touched up and make-up to be reapplied. Fixing your hair and smoothing down the dress giving yourself another look over. The dress your friend helped you pick out was stunning. White knee length, with semi thick straps that connected in the back with a lace design. With floral flowers in the color of pinkish red and a sash that wrapped around your waist. Final thing to top off was a white and black laced shawl you'll use to wrap around your arms and a simple hand bag for your phone makeup and wallet. You felt that since you were the one that asked him out, you figured it be appropriate to pay for the two of you as well. Role reversed much?. You let out a soft laugh.

Hearing you're phone beep, you quickly pulled it out of your purse before checking the message

Shinji 🎷:*Hey doll, M'Here."*

A dust of Pink adorned your cheeks while you let out a giggle from the nickname he gave you, before dashing off from your room to meet him at the front door. Opening the door, Shinji turned to the sound, adorning in a white button up shirt with a black tie, suspenders, black slacks with a nice pair of white and black dress shoes and holding a dark blue jacket on his forearm. He pulls his sunglasses up on his head and gave a modest whistle. "Yer lookin great (Name). N' all dressed up fer me?." He became so comfortable with that statement that he landed a hand on your waist to pull you closer getting a wiff of your nice smelling perfume and shampoo. "Gorgeous."

You smiled looking down at the ground, pulling a stray hair behind your ear.

"You're looking incredible yourself Shinji." He scoffs.

"Nah. This ole' thing?. Ts'been collecting dust."

You playfully slapped his chest before walking down the steps to the side walk. "So I was thinking about this nice restaurant I seen walking with (friends/name), wanna check it out?."

Shinji threw his palm up to stop you.

"No darlin. This one on me. I know a good place." Taking your hand in his he throws his jacket over his shoulder and proceeds down the street to a jazz club downtown. During the walk you soon discovered he called ahead and even made a reservation. Your mouth hung open and gawked at how fast he moved. You had only asked him out that morning and already he's made arrangements? Your heart wasn't sure how much you could handle this man.

After sometime walking you made it to a building called *'Cocktails and Dreams'*. Shinji opened the door for you and followed inside. The room was not too dark, but not too light, there was red leather booths sitting along the walls and small rectangular tables wrapped in red satin silk filling the middle of the room, and at the end of the room stood a beautiful stage with red, blues, pinks and purple stage lights. A piano, saxophone, a couple electric guitars and a cello sitting on their perks with band mates beginning their routine. The smell of cigars and delicious food filled your senses as you looked around. There wasn't many people here, probably regulars and some folks sitting at the bar upon entering the building and to top off this classy place soft jazz music played. Filling your soul with something it hasn't felt in many years. Warmth and happiness.

You were brought from your thoughts when the waitress walked past you. "Your booth is this way sir." Shinji threw his arm around your waist and led you to where you'll be seated together. He leaned down to whisper in your right ear. "So, whatcha think doll face.? Yer kinda place?." Your spine shivered with anticipation and licked your lips before responding. "It's perfect." Whilst making eye contact. He smirks, when the waitress took the card off the table she gestured the two of you to sit while she asked you two what drinks to start with. Shinji allowed you to slide in first before following suit. "Ya wanna alcoholic beverage or just water fer now?." He asked leaning towards you with that smile you love so much. "Water for now please." He nodded, "Two waters."

The waitress wrote it down and set two menus for you both to look over. Even the menu was fancy. "Ya wanna talk first then order? Or jus order than talk?." You smiled before placing the menu down. Sitting your chin in both your palms you leaned towards Shinji looking directly at him. He scooted closer to the point of your legs touching and threw his arm on top the booth chair behind you. He looked easy going and relaxed. Eyes half lidded while he looked at you through his lashes. You couldn't help but move in next to him and laying your head on his shoulder. This display of physical intimacy surprised the both of you before he let out a hearty chuckle.

"Where's'tha blushy nervous cutie who asked me out this mornin? M'not sure why but I'm enjoyin this kinda attention." You laughed with him. "I don't know. I guess once the jitters wore off happiness replaced it." You felt his head tilt to peer at the crown of your head. "Yer happy?." You hummed in agreement. Before lifting to look at him face to face. "To be honest I've been pinning after you for awhile." You looked down at the table. His smile faded into a slight frown. "But.. Seeing the way you flirted with girls. I felt I'd never have a chance. Till' this morning." His smile was completely gone but he replaced it with a smirk when you looked back at him. "M'Sorry doll. Nev' expected ya ta even gimme a second glance." You rolled your eyes.

"Well of course I did!." You giggled while he feigned fake hurt. By this time the waitress walked back with your waters and placed them down. Shinji moved to collect them. But you felt the women's presence lurking. You looked up at her and she was staring directly at Shinji, "Are you ready to order now, sir?." He gave a curt nod your way as to ask you as well, when you picked up the menu you quickly picked the chef's choice, as you were nervous to take too long, Shinji picked the same one before handing the menu back to the lady. "Thank you I'll have that right out to you, sir." Before walking away. For some reason you couldn't help but feel as if she disregarded your presence and only noticed Shinji. He turned back to you.

"(Name)." You turned your head his way. "Yeah?." He held your hand in his lap tracing patterns on your skin. "Wanna dance?." You beamed before nodding excitedly. He slid out the booth with your hands still connected before pulling you to your feet and towards the dance floor. The music wasn't too fast but not too slow, and soon he begun spinning you in slow circles before pulling you close to his frame. You giggled. You could feel your hands getting clammy at the closeness as your hands moved to lay atop his shoulders while he swayed and twirled with you on the dance floor. A couple times you had accidentally tripped or stepped on his foot, mumbling apologies while he shrugged it off. He taught you a few jazz moves before doing the signature twirl and dip. His left arm wrapped securely around the mid of your back while the other held your hand. He leaned in close to your face, a blush creeping incredibly fast, heart thumping in your chest. Your eyes widened as his face kept inching closer to yours, your eyes slowly closed Before he landed a soft sweet longing kiss on your forehead and bringing you back upright to his chest. The music ended and people hollered and clapped before music transitioned into a soft melody again.

Grabbing his hand, you both sat back down while laughing amongst yourselves and by then the food arrived. Two words. Mouth watering. House salad with shrimp and steak and to top it off you both ordered a coconut breeze martini to go with the meal. Needless to say you were thankful he picked the place, you knew jazz was his thing and boy did he deliver. You both chatted about music, movies and other favorite topics. Going as far as to critique little details within each topic. His laughs were genuine and sweet. Something you never heard before now, and his body language wasn't so much as lazy and uncaring as most times, but attentive and serious while still retaining his comical behaviour. Everything was perfect, he listened to everything you said chiming in time to time to put in his opinions and comments while you did the same with him. Slight brushing of leg and arms, and occasionally leaning towards the other, lips caressing each other's cheeks while you spoke. Needlessly to say, you begun to get a slight buzz from the alcohol a red hue tinting your cheeks. Your giggles and eye smiles were the cutest thing Shinji had ever seen. You were far more relaxed and open with jokes. After two hours sitting and talking and eating, the waitress had come back for the final time to ask if you two wanted anything else, and if Shinji would like the bill. You went to reach for your purse to pay, but Shinji had moved his palm up to stop you as he did before. "It's on me darlin. I'm the man, 'mayyybe' next time ill'have ya pay." Your eyes widened for the up tenth time that night, trying to argue back that it was your treat. And then it hit you. *'next time ill'have ya pay.'*

Your hands shot up to hold your cheeks and stared at Shinji in shock. He laughed watching as you turned away with the brightest blush, *"he said next time? He wants to go out with me again?"* you squealed to yourself. Shinji watched with a soft smile as you had your monologue before seeing the waitress hand him the check, he thanked her before her hand touched his shoulder in a flirtatious way, his eyes narrowed at her gesture.

"I hope you have a nice night sir." She gave him a sultry smile and a wink before walking off to serve another round of tables. He scoffs, upon opening the check he seen a piece of torn paper with a note along with a number written on it. He scoffs again; *'if you want to spend a night with a real women, call me ;)-' (xxx) -xxx- xxxx'*

He makes quick work of the paper after writing the amount on the bill then left a note for the waitress. He didn't even bother to wait for her to collect the check before he insisted you and him leave for a walk. He slides out, taking your hand in his and helping you out of the booth and putting his hands on your hips to follow you outside.

The waitress had walked eagerly back to your tables to collect the check and plates. Quickly opening the check with anticipation before her face fell in disappointment.

*'Thanks, but I got a real women. Oh, and ya not gettin a tip :) hav'a nice night.'*

____________________________

the walk was even more peaceful, not so much chatting, just making small comments about the scenery or how well the food and music was.

Your eyes turned to look at Shinji. "I didn't want to bring this up, but I felt that the waitress-. " Shinji stiffened.

"Didn't like me very much." He hummed. "S'fine dollface. I took care of it." Your heart swelled you could hear your friends voice echoing through your head. *"Cuff him. Cuff him."*

You let out laugh to which caused Shinji to turn his head. "Wha'so funny?." You Shook your head and squeezed his hand, by this time you both had made it to your home. He walked you to your door. "Well. This is me." He begun to slouch and scratch his head again mumbling to himself. The action would've made you think he was disinterested but the light pink hue dusting his cheeks told another story. You laughed at him and placed a hand on his upper arm drawing him from his thoughts. His soft brown eyes scanned your features before walking closer to you holding your hand in his with utmost care.

"Shinji."

"Yes dear?."

"Can. We do this again?."

He smiles. "Absolutely."

It was your turn to smile. Before your hands followed his arms up to his shoulders, and stopping at where his neck connects, soft hands wrapping where his neck starts and peering into his eyes with heated passion. You sighed softly smelling his expensive cologne.

"(Name)."

"Yes?."

"May I, kiss ya now?. Fer real this time."

You stood on your tiptoes to get closer to his face. Pulling his face only centimeters away from where you wanted him the most. Your lips were parted for him, his eyes lowered from her irises to your parted pink lips.

Before finally closing the gap to a kiss as Swift and loving as the first shine of sun adorning the horizon. And left little to the imagination of his feelings towards you. You wish you could say the kiss was short but you both held it for as long as your lungs could allow, before finally parting for air at last.

Breathless and full of love.

"I'll see ya tomorrow yeah?." You nodded excitedly before pulling him in for a hug. "Goodnight shinji. Thank you for a wonderful time."

He gives you one more squeeze before letting you go and walking in the direction of the warehouse. You leaned against your front door after sighing dreamily to yourself. You should ask him out more often.

_________™________¥¥¥¥¥¥________

END.

A/N: hope this was amazing unfortunately my computer is down so I had to do all of this on mobile and wasn't able to put a Read More™ link. It was supposed to be a short one shot to get me started but inspiration bug hit so I apologize for the long post. I hope you enjoyed, my ask box for this side blog is open feel free to slide in and say hi! Love you all and more works will be upcoming ~ stay tuned. Much love

- Tara 🐉🔮

[nosferatu-png]

The sunrise and the shooting star

Sunshine and Aether

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.