#im aware and wish to proceed

[attonitos-gloria]

(I swear to God I HATE the "evil disabled advisor" trope. unfortunately larys strong has my heart. he can keep stirring shit for all I care ill stan all his crimes and horrible deeds)

[arcadequeerz]

Somethin somethin about the moment Scribbles’ whole- realization, clicks.

[love-byers]

for 2 years i've been wondering what the connection is between the byler scene and the max scene. like they didn't seem similar at all, but after reading this i realized something.

earlier today i was thinking about the track "Letter to Willy" and wondering why it sounded so familiar. after some listening im 100% sure it's because "Letter to Willy" is a version of "Eulogy", a song from the s2 soundtrack. I'm 100,000% sure and i painstakingly edited this to make it clear to anyone listening

"Eulogy" plays whenever the scene is related to death, more specifically a character who has died. hence the name. a eulogy is a speech written to honor someone who recently died, often times read at their funeral. which is interesting, because the first time we hear "Eulogy", it's not an actual eulogy. so clearly this has a deeper meaning.

here's are all the times the track has played, as far as i'm aware

season 2

2×01 nancy cries about barb in the bathroom

2×01 mike puts his toys in the donation box and remembers el, who is believed to be dead

2×03 hopper shows el the cabin for the first time

2×08 hopper sits with joyce after bobs death

2×08 mike tells the group about how bob founded the av club

season 3

3×01 joyce has a flashback of bob

season 4

4×03 mike and el fight

clearly there is a pattern here. (and for the hopper and el one, if you watch the scene there are multiple references to dead characters. hopper mentions his grandpa, and hides a box of sara's things right before the song plays. this could also be representative of the death of el's old life.)

"This is your new home."

"Home."

so if "Letter to Willy" is 100% directly connected to "Eulogy", what does that mean?

(i'm not sure if "Letter to Willy" plays in more than those 2 scenes, but i'm pretty sure it's just the two so i'll proceed on that)

so we can assume the two scenes are related to someone or something that has died. obviously, max is reading her letter to billy at his gravestone. unknown hero agent man is dead and there is shared imagery of gravestones, but mike and will aren't talking about that when the song plays. they're talking about mikes fight with el, again.

mike and el's fight. the scene that "Eulogy", aka the theme for DEATH, plays in.

mike and el's relationship died during that fight. even mike knows it, he keeps trying to say it in different ways. "A fight you can't come back from." go back and watch the scene, and look at el's face when mike says "you're being ridiculous" she is so so done with him. mike is right, this is a fight they can't come back from.

i also think "Letter to Willy" could be implying that the truth of the situation is being hidden. max later admits that vecna was right, she wanted billy to die and that is a source of her guilt. in the letter she implied she had just frozen and wishes she had done something, but that wasn't the whole truth. it was partly on purpose because billy made her life a living hell.

and with byler...i mean do i even need to say it? mike isn't not telling the truth, but he's not saying the whole truth either. he dances around the reason he didn't say what eleven wanted him to say, he won't even say what that thing is. and if you ask me, a byler truther, this is also indicative of mike and will not outright saying their feelings for each other because they're both closeted.

"Eulogy" plays when mike and el's relationship dies.

"Letter to Willy" plays when mike and will are talking about the death of the relationship.

[emkaii]

in a random thought (more like this plot bunny has been living in my head rent free since this "what if" fic started and now i cant stop myself from sharing it after so many months? years? idek)

thank you to @feynites for the wonderful fic above that i continue to go back re-reading again and again

(also tagging @wangxianficrecs even though im not sure they share scum villain fics *sobs*)

! tw: death !

WHAT IF SCENARIO

og!sj dies the night of yqy & lqg wedding because of heartbreak? (because real heartbreak can literally kill in this fanfic universe) just, like, he dies. that's it. no shen yuan to transmigrate in his body as replacement.

so, og!sj was in seclusion punishment during that night right? and he was only allowed outside to attend the wedding itself. (am i right? or if not, meh)

so shen jiu dies in his bedroom, alone. lbh tries to enter his room to help him prepare for the wedding but doesn't get an answer (bc og!sj is ded), so lbh leaves bc he's obviously afraid of entering the room without og!sj's permission in fear of punishment.

the wedding is completed without sj arriving and everyone just assumes that he's bitter about the whole thing and doesn't attend as a show of rebellion.

also, since he's in secluded punishment and the servants doesn't like him, no one approaches or even tries to enter his room. lbh tries to tell the upper servants that it has been almost a full night & day that og!sj hasn't responded to anything outside his room, but of course, they don't listen to him.

so, he tries to directly report to yqy. who at this point is feeling disappointed? relieved? (even he himself doesn't know) that sj did not cause any problems to his new wedding. so, he goes to check on sj.

he tries to ask permission to enter the room, no answer.

tries to lengthen sj's punishment if he continues to be stubborn, no answer.

tries to threaten that he will break the door, no answer.

yqy gets nervous. something doesn't feel right.

sj is not the type to stay quiet.

he forcefully opens the door.

and he finds sj looking peacefully asleep.

but there's something wrong in the picture. sj was too quiet. too still.

yqy realizes that he can't hear sj breathing. he can't see any movement. at all.

he flies to sj's bedside.

tries to take his wrist to check his condition, and whole body-flinches at the cold skin. sj's body was stiff. and as a highly accomplished cultivator, yqy knows the state of a dead body more than a few hours after death.

he whispers, "a-jiu?"

sj' body would look peaceful in death, if not for the dried tear tracks in his face.

(I don't know how to describe/write it but i want yqy's reaction to be utter devastation, something similar or worse than his reaction in this fanfic's og novel when sj died in the original timeline)

minutes or hours later (yqy doesn't know, doesn't know or aware of his surroundings anymore), after mqf arrives and checks the situation after a frantic lbh tells lqg about sj and lqg flies to have mqf at their estate, mqf states:

"his body showed signs of grief sickness. in this case, his lungs decided to stop taking in air, his mind decided to stop all functions of his body, and his heart just decided to stop beating. i can say that it occurred around 24 hours ago."

24 hours ago.

24 hours ago was when sj tried to convince yqy not to proceed with the wedding for his new husband.

24 hours ago was when sj tried to tell yqy that he'd rather die than let yqy have a second husband.

yqy ignored him.

and now a-jiu is dead.

"A-Jiu couldn’t survive his husband marrying another man. That person died the day Yue Qingyuan married Liu Qingge"

AND THIS IS THE LINE FROM THE ORIGINAL FIC THAT INSPIRED THIS PLOT BUNNY.

i really do sometimes love making myself cry with my thoughts and ideas. now im sharing these to the world. and now i want to re-read, for the 8th? 9th? time, this whole wonderful series.

[seraphirism]

what happened at the end of chapter 4?? im not really updated anymore due to busy schedule :/

hii, and I’d be happy to explain (*^^*)!

readers, please be aware that there are spoilers below (of chapter 4 and “wish upon a black rabbit” or 黒兎に願いを込めて event story) so proceed with discretion!

I tried my best to condense it but I wasn’t sure how far you had read, plus the story following part 3 of chapter 4 till part 5 is completely connected (in a way that you wouldn’t understand one part if you didn’t know the previous part) so I gave it my best shot! I’ll include a tldr at the very end so you can read that if you want to avoid the barrage of text; I went kinda overboard?

in chapter 4, as we know, Boschi’s demon took over him; he lost control to it. but unlike the case of Bastien, Haures and Lato where they lost control because of an emotional outburst (caused by extreme despair or rage), Boschi gave control to his demon on purpose.

(just in case if you don’t know/remember why, let me give a brief summary!)

Aruji and the second floor butlers were sent over to guard the Seirans/セイラン, a noble family in the East. this was after kidnappings and attacks were done by an unknown assailant (the white headed, elf looking guy). the stranger was specifically targeting nobles associated with the Sardis family.

while they were there, the butlers were at the same time investigating if the Seiran family had been in cahoots with the Sardis family (you know in, child trafficking and experimentation).

earlier in the chapter Boschi revealed that around 300 years ago, his mother and grandmother (who was actually his nanny) were killed on the orders of Seiran family. (that was a long story; if you want me to explain that, please send me another ask, I’ll do that separately :D!)

then skip to a week later, while Aruji and the butlers were staying at their residence (and doing their guard duties) the elf guy kidnapped the head of the Seiran family. Boschi decided he and Ammon would protect Aruji and the wife of the head of the family (while they stayed in the Seiran family’s residence), and Haures and Fennesz would leave to search for the head of the Seiran family with the help of his guards.

elf guy was targeting the families associated with Sardis. that’s because a large group of his people/compatriots went missing/were kidnapped; he suspected the Seiran family was involved with it (due to their association with the Sardis family that were publicly exposed to be carrying out human trafficking. )

it is later revealed that the Seiran family was responsible for that, in particular the wife of the head of the family (because of her twisted obsession with beauty; you’d need a separate post to understand her). she was later injured by Seraphim and killed by elf guy. unfortunately for elf guy, his people are then taken by Seraphim and Cherbim.

then Chrone/スローン attacked Aruji, Boschi and Ammon whilst this happened. however this time was different; instead of trying to kill the butlers, he was attempting to kill Aruji (so the butlers would become seriously upset/angry and thus fall under the control of their demon, fight Chrone in that state to see how strong the butlers really are. (his mission was to access the full strength of the butlers).

whilst fighting, Boschi loses his prosthetic arm protecting Aruji.

(boschi’s demon is called Zaebos/ザエボス by the way!)

Zaebos offers to give Boschi all his power for this fight (basically unlock his full potential) if Boschi agrees to give up his life to the demon (i.e die) by the end of the fight. their whole talk and meeting happens in Boschi’s subconsciousness. Boschi agrees after he loses his prosthetic arm, the incident acting as a trigger.

(he realised he and Ammon couldn’t defeat Chrone by the time Haures and Fennesz would arrive and Aruji could lose their life.).

before fully losing control to his demon (like how Bastien and the rest did), he gives Ammon a warning. then he attacks Chrone. in the end, both Ammon and Boschi managed injure Chrone enough for him to agree to leave when Seraphim asks him to (since they got an idea of how strong the devil butlers are under the influence of their demon.)

but Boschi, having lost complete control to his demon side, now attacks Ammon. Ammon, having trained with Boschi for years and years on end, well aware of Boschi’s moves and what was Boschi’s weakness in a fight (—he gets exhausted easily and rapidly loses energy to fight.), exploits this. Boschi collapses in the end, Aruji comes over and does their whole usual going into their “heart”.

this time though, when Aruji goes there, Boschi was chained to a throne (I think it was a throne?) and asleep, and Zaebos (who has the form of a leopard by the way) appeared and told Aruji that it’s no use trying to awaken Boschi because he had promised his life to him in return for power.

Aruji tries their best (which was a very emotional scene by the way, the way they kept calling out for Boschi despite Zaebos telling them that Boschi is gone for good 😭) and Boschi finally manages to hear their voice (he was in a dream-like place with his mother and grandmother, possibly passing over to the other side/about to die). he comes back and tells his demon that while he did promise to give his life to the demon, he did not specify “when” he’d give his life up (that was such a move on his part, our king ✨). so long story short, Boschi promises to give his life up to the demon when Aruji dies in the future (so he’ll die when Aruji dies.).

next thing you know, he manages to wake up with Ammon collapsed at his side. Fennesz and Haures arrive with the master of the Seiran family (who they found on their way back in a bad state). His wife, Falin is dead. there will be trials in the East to implicate the Seiran family officially.

there’s a whole mess going on with Eastern Lords Alliance but Finley will attempt his best to settle the situation; he also adds that the butlers may be asked for their assistance in the matter of finding the stranger (mr elf; please devs, give him a name already or I’ll—).

[also, I nearly forgot to add; mr elf is being suspected for the crime of killing Falin, the mistress of Seiran family since she was killed with a sword and the public believe angels would not use swords to kill, rather their light/power. in actuality, he attempted to end her life with a quick blow of his sword instead of leaving her to bleed to death from Seraphim’s attack which was from a sword.

the angels use swords now too by the way ✨ like yay, their powers weren’t enough.)

then, we’re back at devil’s palace (yay! our visit was more than a week long, less than 2 weeks, if I’m not wrong). Aruji and the second floor butlers get some much needed rest. Boschi shows Aruji their new prosthetic arm (which was made from the material of his old prosthetic arm.).

he seemed much more at peace now (but we later learn in the black bunny festival [黒兎に願いを込めて] event story that losing his prosthetic arm did trigger his memories of losing his actual arm, so now whenever he spars he gets flashbacks of Chrone cutting his prosthetic arm off. those flashbacks make him freeze up while fighting. for this reason, he trains a lot more to get over this, than he did prior to this incident.

anyhow, that event story and his card story sheds light on to boschi’s state right after chapter 4, in a bit more detail.).

lastly, Berrien visits Belen and says he hopes to be able to save Belen someday.

i read the story about 2 weeks ago; though, there’s a huge chance i might have gotten something mixed up/wrong. so feel free to correct me in the comments or send me an ask! there’s also a lot of stuff i left out because i was afraid it would get too long (it still did 😭) like about:

a: Falin/フアリン, the mistress of the Seiran family, who i’d say was the most interesting character in this chapter. i could write paragraphs upon paragraphs about her.

(i love the writing of aknk but i also believe they could have given more information on Seiran family and how they came to be what they are. They have a lot of potential for a follow up event story or even a side story. I hope in a side story we get more information or maybe in the next main story?)

b: Boschi’s past; we got a lot of information about his life and, how after everything he came to meet Berrien and became a butler.

c: Ammon! we got insight into his thoughts and feelings from when Haures became demonized, and how he feels inferior to the other butlers, how he puts less effort into training because he feels he can never reach the level Haures and Boschi are on. And so on!

d: i also skipped explaining the first two parts and a bit of part 3 of chapter 4 since you asked for the ending; (but that involved Berrien, Belen, Lono and were not exactly relevant to what happened with Boschi and the ending of chapter 4.).

Tldr: Boschi loses control to his demon after losing his prosthetic arm, he manages to defeat Chrone with the help of Ammon. Aruji brings him back from the control of his demon though ultimately he will have to give his life up to his demon the day Aruji dies. there’s investigation going on into the Seiran family, the stranger (mr elf) and his identity. his people (from the valley) are still missing because Cherubim and Seraphim took them. the butlers might get a request to aid in the investigation of mr elf.

i hope this helped (^^)! feel free to send another ask if you’re confused about something or want further explanation; i like talking about aknk so it’s no trouble for me. i hope your schedule eases up a bit, please remember to take breaks and eat/drink — have a wonderful day ✨!

[jknerd]

NIMH AU: Justin

Full Name: Justin Strauss

Species: Human -> Im-human (through experiment in NIMH)

Age: 30~31

Gender: Male

Other names: Captain Strauss, Saint-Juste of Im-humans

Occupations: former war prisoner and experiment in NIMH, Captain of the Bund Guard, Candidate of Bund Leader

Residence: 1st Bund of NIMH (formerly), New Bund of NIMH (currently)

Family: Mr. Strauss (father; deceased), Mrs. Strauss (mother; deceased), Brutus (sworn brother)

Relationships: Jonathan Brisby (close friend; former leader), Nicodemus (benefactor), Mr. Ages (acquaintance), Jenner (rival->adversary), Sullivan (acquaintance), Elizabeth Brisby (love interest->eventually, possible wife)

Likes: Harmless prank on Mr. Ages, children, Elizabeth Brisby (love interest) Dislikes: Potential threat to the bund and Brisby family, Jenner’s threats/advances towards Elizabeth Brisby, Brisby children in danger

Justin Strauss is a captain of the Guard among IM-Humans and a candidate of future leader chosen by Nicodemus. After a great loss of war in his home country, he and other war victims were taken to NIMH (National Institute of Mystic Health) where they were experimented and became IM-Humans, the artificially created vampires who have overcame the sunlight. When Jonathan helped the victims escape, the IM-Humans were able to build their bund hidden from the eyes of humans. At one point, Justin was appointed as captain of the Bund Guards after the duel with Jenner. One day, he was reported by Brutus about the death of Jonathan Brisby as he and the guards mourned their hero’s death.

At the day of Jonathan’s funeral, Justin spotted Elizabeth Brisby and her children. He expressed surprise briefly when learning Jonathan had a wife and children, but silently obeyed Nicodemus’ order to silence the complaining council of IM-Humans when Jonathan’s will was announced. All the while then, Justin was still concerned of Brisby family’s wellbeing. It is revealed Jonathan has left a separate will to Nicodemus as he wished Justin as potential leader of IM-Humans after the moving plan of “Thorn Valley Bund”, which naturally leads him into stronger hostility with Jenner, one of the council members who wished to take over the position as new leader. 

One day, Mr. Ages informed Justin about Brisby’s family joining in moving plan as the widow agreed to assist as long as her children were safe in a house. Although initially confused of how the family can join the IM-Humans in the moving, he expressed astonishment from the distance when he and other guards witnessed the wheeled manor that was build by Jonathan for his family. Later, Justin surprised Mr. Ages with harmless prank, but quickly in his polite disposition when introduced to Elizabeth Brisby in person. When assigned to protect her and her family by their wheeled manor, Justin was more than willing to assist her and they formed a close bond as his guards began to get attached to Elizabeth’s maternal kindness as she offered them food and shelter once she learned Justin and his guards were victims of war and the experiments from NIMH. Whenever Jenner attempt to approach Elizabeth much to her discomfort, Justin gets in time to stop the ambitious man before he’d do more harm to her. 

One night, Mr. Ages returned with broken leg and Elizabeth was informed that in order to proceed in moving plan is to drug Drago “Dragon” Welker the head security guard of community to leave without detection, but Mr. Ages was injured during a strife with the said guard. When Elizabeth offered to volunteer for drugging Drago, Justin expressed immense concern as he was aware of Drago handles women in indecent manner. When he realized he couldn’t persuade her anymore, Justin relented as he gave her the sleeping drug made by Mr. Ages. Before her departure to Drago, Justin remained concerned of her as he and Mr. Ages moved to help Nicodemus in immigrate their people out. However, Jenner immobilized Brisby’s Wheeling Manor and killed Nicodemus in process, unable to move the entire bund. Justin rushed to check on Elizabeth’s children, relieved none of them got hurt. However later, Sullivan came to inform him about Jenner abducting Elizabeth. Justin came in time to kick Jenner away before the man could rape her. Through emotion of anger supporting the strength of IM-Human, Justin engaged in an intense sword fight with Jenner who had just wounded Sullivan, discovering that not only the corrupted man killed Nicodemus but also Jonathan a year ago and framed Drago. As Justin severely wounded Jenner, he rushed to Elizabeth to see if she was hurt. But when Jenner was about to finish him off, a redeemed Sullivan gave a final blow to Jenner causing him to fall to his death below the statue of Virgin Mary. Justin felt immense dread when Elizabeth was nowhere to be found, ordered the guards to look for her and later found her unconscious with her children inside the destroyed Brisby manor, growing afraid of losing her and her children, Justin called out for help.

As Elizabeth recovers and looked for Timothy, Justin was seen along with other IM-Humans to watch with amazement to see Nicodemus alive, showing Timothy fully healed and finally conquered the sunlight as the boy reminded him so much of late Jonathan. Through several days of Brisby’s wheeling manor to be rebuilt, Mr. Ages witnessed Justin becoming crestfallen and conflicted, figuring out the reason why. At a night before the Brisby family’s departure, Nicodemus personally talked to Justin if he resents Jonathan for leaving him with heavy responsibility or his immortality contrasting Elizabeth’s, which Justin admitted the anger but not because of Jonathan nor his life as IM-Human. The usual calm captain of the guard finally confessed he fell in love with Elizabeth Brisby from the first sight but unable to approach as he labeled these feelings “repulsive” and feared of confusing the love with different emotions as there are times he held himself back from the urge to bite her to make her just like him. And he felt greater pain that she and her children will leave, possibly grow old by years while he remain young. Unbeknownst to him, Elizabeth overheard their conversation. At the day of departure, Elizabeth gave Justin the Stone as a promise to meet again. Witnessing the wrinkles and white streaks of hair rejuvenated, Justin smiled as there were implications she won’t grow old as normal human and they would meet again.

[junior-high-nene-official]

// Underneath the cut is a suicide attempt. if this would trigger you in any way, please skip over or proceed with caution. nene is not dying. im not killing her off. /srs/gen

..its quiet up here.

Nene mumbled as she lay on her roof. Climbing up there was a pain with this cast- and she didn't know how she was going to get down safetly..

..she knew how she was going to get down, though.

Nene prayed Rui didn't walk outside and happen to look up. She'd be devastated. She'd have no excuse to tell him what she was doing.

..But it seemed he was inside still. Luckily for her. She looked up at the stars in the sky and sighed. They were bright out tonight. She was glad it was clear and bright. It was like the stars knew what she was doing and were saying goodbye. She liked that thought, so while it was unreasonable, she didn't try to say otherwise. The stars were bright to say goodbye. That was all.

She let her mind wander a bit, dissociating yet aware of everything going on. Time seemed to still for Nene. She hoped her mother didn't see the notes she left on her freshly made bed. She hoped she didn't notice how Nene actually put her gaming systems away, instead of leaving them out because she was going to play them later, because there would be no later for Nene. She hoped her mother didn't notice her hearing aids in her case, not in her ears like usual. She hoped her mother knew she was sorry.

Nene hopes a lot of things.

Nene hoped a lot of things.

She doesn't like to hope. If you don't hope, you won't be disappointed. Nene grew up that way. Yet, all Nene can do right now is hope. Hope this goes her way.

She wipes away the tears that have poured out her eyes silently. She sits up and looks down. It's a far drop from the ground. Nene is sure that if she does it well, she won't wake up. Nene is sure that even if she doesn't die on impact, no one will find her until morning, and by then, she'll have bled out. She's sure.

She looks up at the stars and waves slightly, knowing she'll become one soon. She always liked to believe that when someone passes, a star is formed. She hopes Rui looks for her star every night. Nene doesn't deserve that wish, though, so she casts it aside.

She steps towards the edge.

Why is there a lump in her throat?

Why is she frozen in time?

Why can't she just. Let go already?

Nene cries. Her lip shakes as she looks down. She hiccups. She shakes. She shudders. She cries. It's ugly. It's an ugly song from a supposed songstress. It's a song she's sung so many times before, though, and she can't stop it. She's a big loud, she knows. Her hopes are probably in the gutters by now. Someone will hear her ugly cry. Her ugly song. And she will have no excuse to give on why she is up there. Sobbing. Late at night. Severly underdressed for this weather.

Nene hates hoping.

She continues to cry her ugly song as she looks down, unable to step away or step forward. On the line between life and death, she wishes she could decide which line to side to cross.

[ilsanslut]

UPDATE! SEMI-HIATUS STILL IN EFFECT.

hiya lovelies, long time no chat! ♡

first off, i would like to thank all of you for all the love on my bots and support on j.ai as of late! i wish c.ai was as interactive so that i may interact with you all there as well, but i'm certainly feeling the love on the alt site.

though, there is a massive elphant in the room, and that is my consistent inactivity AND long periods of disappearing without a trace.

if you are interested in knowing how i'll precede in the future and how my content will be affected, please proceed below the cut.

so, first thing's first - work. i'm incredibly busy outside of the internet and if i'm not working, i'm most likely sleeping. just to reiterate, that is mainly because i'm a full-time nurse and work 3-4 12hr night shifts a week. for this reason, the main reasoning behind my inactivity should be self-explanatory.

secondly, i am not ignoring my inbox requests. i see them all and i hear you! however, for the aforementioned reasons, i have not replied and i apologize for keeping you all in the dark. while i cannot get to everyone, i've taken some of the requests into consideration and, in the future, bots will be published to hopefully fulfill them. it will be in no particular order, however, requests that interest me the most or involve my favorite characters (bc im a hopeless simp) will be indulged in first. sorry if this is unappealing, but this is the best way for me to pump out some content without burning out my muse for writing so quickly.

thirdly, c.ai vs. j.ai. as of late, i have been more active on my j.ai as opposed to my c.ai. that is simply because, once again, i'm a hopeless delulu simp and j.ai feeds me better than c.ai does, despite c.ai having the better ai responses/organizaiton. that being said, i have had multiple requests to convert j.ai bots to c.ai and vice versa. in due time, i play to convert my c.ai bots into j.ai FIRST and then proceed to converting my j.ai bots into c.ai.

that being said, due to my slow efforts, some of you can take the liberty of converting my bots on your own. all i'm asking is that if you want to use my bots, please, PLEASE credit me or state that my bot inspired your own (if they are very similar) and please ask/tell me either in my j.ai comments or tumblr inbox before you do so that there's no confusion later down the line. seeing as your reading this far, this should be no issue. thank you, lovelies.

if yall do see anyone stealing/using my works, please, let me know, report it, and/or make others aware that the content is stolen. i would appreciate it so, so much. 🫶🏾

lastly, i'll be active here and there and maybe share a little blurb or a horny/fluffy thought every now and then, but it will take some time for me to get back into writing full fics like i was before. if i'm honest i barely even read smut anymore after indulging in so many ai bots and only use tumblr to either check my inbox or to promote my own bots. however, this does not mean that i've stopped writing. once i'm able to fully balance work and writing, i'll be back to writing fics in no time!

but if i'm honest, that's pretty much it from me! i look forward to interacting with you all soon, and hope you all have a gorgeous day/night! ♡

[yeahmiknight]

My system is so weird because....its got a really weird way of operating and people say im faking DID because of it which...im not I dont think??? Eh I guess ill go into more detail proceeds to dump life story Gonna make something clear: Im not an Endo(?), I did not choose to be a system. My system came from trauma and even if we have stuff like fictives and all that, this is a real thing. Im not being a system for any type of gain, people dont understand how painful it is to be this way sometimes. It hurts sometimes. For the longest time I denied being a system because of some online drama stuff. Mainly because I thought people would just assume it was an excuse when I started acting completely different and I always just assumed I was broken in some form of weird way, which I ended up calling BPD which was HALF RIGHT?? Before I truly came to terms with the fact I was a system, I had 2 beings who I now understand are alters who would talk to me- well only one of them would really talk to me the other would talk AT me in a sense or just force front. One of them I now know is a/the persecutor. For about a few years of my life up until very recently my persecutor had been one pulling most of the strings because I had no idea this guy was co-fronting or just fronting in general and assumed that it was just me being a terrible person, so I always made sure to say it was my fault when anything happened, I never fought, I never really defended myself, I just took everything. My persecutor would always start stuff and then back off when the aftermath came up so I would have to try to figure out what was going on while I had people yelling at me for saying things I didnt even know or doing things I wasnt aware of. It wasnt until one of my good friends came to me while I was questioning something about systems and let me talk to a guy who actually was a system and it turned out I checked almost every single box for being a system. Of course I continued to deny it like an idiot and even tried to repress my own thoughts out of fear that I truly was in an effort to try and get it to go away???? as if that would work??? hello what was I thinking. Eventually I started coming to terms with the fact I was a system and thats when more alters started popping up. Now for about the part of my system experience that people try to get at me for. Me and my alters can communicate really well, I can talk to them, they talk to me (for the most part) they talk to eachother and its lalalalalala. I barely have any memory fog and when I do the intensity seems to be weirdly fluid? Sometimes ill remember most stuff but other times my memory will just be blanker than a white sheet of paper. Ive tried to develop a way for my alters to be able to front when they need/want too and let other people know through emojis as my alters sometimes wanna pop around discord, this doesnt work all the time of course as sometimes we just forget or they dont want to change the emojis but its how we do it. After figuring out I was a system we all kinda...collectively banned together to not let the persecutor front? Hes a really bad guy im talking....really....really bad guy, we know we cant just hold him down forever but we try I guess. My fictives are an odd. Considering the fact they are almost all objects because thats the main type of media I consume? They all formed under very weird circumstances for some reason. Four of them just started developing randomly, one was spawned because of the stress of RETAIL apparently? And one spawned because of a lady at Walmart tryna square up because I scanned her item twice and she was tryna beat the life outa me r something. They dont act exactly like their sources and I mean thats fine they can do what they want. The weird thing I guess is the one that spawned because of the lady thing didnt even do anything when they arrived, the minute they kinda showed up they immediately backed off. I dunno where this post went I just wish there was a place I could talk freely about these guys and their antics.

[star-sim]

hiihii, 🦊 anon back here !! Im gon be info dumping u the shii cuz u said u were invested, but if u dont want to readall of it I completely understand cuz like I wrote a whole ass shii 😭😭

--------

okay so like there's thay copycat, let's call her P !! technically, she's been a friend since last year, but I didnt really consider her as one cuz she mostly talked with my other two friends from our closest friend group n like nobody else. (we're a group of five without her) She sorta randomly appeared, but I ofc didnt mind cuz its always nice to meet new ppl n make new friends yk ??

(extra thingy for this year => one friend changed schools to another city, another doesnt hang out with us anymore but does online, n then there's another who isnt in the same classes so we only see each other during breaks. so its just me n another friend, (let's call her F) she's has been my closest friend since years ago so far !!

Okayokay now on to the real shii; since the new school year, P asked the school if she could be in the same class as me and F (because we're always together). so practically, P is also my classmate now. BUT !! I've noticed she favours F more than me, which doesnt bother me much bc we all have preferences at some point 🤷‍♀️ HOWEVER its getting a bit uncomfy because she's slowly been like starting to copy me and seems to be trying to exclude me to get closer to F ever since school started

Im insecure about friendships, so I get jealous when I see F paying more attention to P than to me (at least Im self aware 😞) oh, abt the copying part, I have a list to explain omllll !! for instance, I have an online school timetable with a specific colour palette (we have our own from our school's app but I'd like to use my own [another one] cuz then its a widget) she saw it and asked about the app n then the next week, she did the same thing with the exact same colors for each subject ?? Its not a big deal, but its abs noticeable.. like I get it u wanna use the same app cuz Ik how handy it is but using the same colours is starting to become extra .. then theres the school stationary, especially the pencil case and highlighters. I have a clear see-through pencil case and pastel highlighters (so coquette) n after two months or somewhere around that, she got the same ones. AGAIN, not a huge deal, but then she started comparing highlighters and saying she should have bought the same ones as me (?? Girl tf) Its frustrating because she's indirectly indicating that she wants to be or have the same shii as me 😭 n I dont like that. Ik some ppl do but I jst dont

Another example is my headphones. I have specific ones (JBL I lub em sm), n in December or smth, she also got the same ones but in pink (I have black ones) Its not about the headphones themselves tho, but the fact that she claimed we have the same ones when they're CLEARLY different. It's a fcking pattern, even with little things like a pocket mirror that she suddenly wants after seeing mine ?? 😭 "oh, I want to have one too now n use it like u" *proceeds to buy n never use it anyways* 💀

oh oh, then theres the issue of her comparing grades (no like wtaf) my average is at least 70%, which Im abs content with, but I wish I had more motivation to study m improve 😞 ahe studies n has an average of 74%, which is great for her ofc !! but she constantly YAPS abt having higher grades n being smarter, not realizing the difference between being book-smart n actually intelligent like girl theres a diff between the 2 yk 😭😭

P is actually fcking starting to get on my nerves, especially after half a year of this bs .. the friend who changed schools was like the mother of the group, n I miss her a lot (she's coming back next year tho, yippie !!) P seems to be trying to exclude me from the friend group n from my bestie F :( I havent told anyone else cuz like Im afraid theyll jst think Im overreacting, but I did confide in T ( the transfer student friend, lets call her that !!), n shes on my side (duh ofc cuz she also noticed from last year how she only sticked to F) but I dont want to tell F herself cuz I dont think she'll believe me. I used to feel happy and comfy being myself before P joined in, but now I feel like Im constantly being criticized n copied :// Its even worse bc she made fun of my cat's name !! (Like, I told her my cat's name cuz at one point we were talking abt cats n I told her I had gotten a new one that summer. atm she was doing that gossip whisper thingy to somebody else n when I told her that she had to be honest and confess she was making fun of my cat's name she went like "ohhhh, for a cat name !! I thought a human name" n then fake smiles omfl ..)

------

ANYWAYSSSS, TAKE CARE 😽 love ur fics Istg I dont think I'd survive here w/out ur writings Im not joking 😭 ur fics r like one of the only ones that I'd even WANT to read no matter the 10k+ wc (thats a lot for me n I prefer short ones, but ur longer ffs r like TOP TIER MWAH)

-🦊

oh girl ur stronger than me bc P would make me yell....

u and F are like for-lifers.... the friends that you keep when things change are the ones that you need to CHERISH FR

i think ur like 100% valid for the friendship jealousy, i get SO jealous too ur like real for that. like looking at these individual examples it doesn't come off that P is trying to copy you.... but when you look at it ALTOGETHER as ONE BIG MASSIVE PICTURE.... yikessss

i cant stand P sorry... like the excluding thing is making me seethe

AND THE CATS NAME THING WOULD BE MY FINAL STRAW GIRLLL STAY IN UR OWN LANE

i don't think ur overreacting, ur like 100% valid for this one

i am SO on your side

imo i think it's important to talk to F about this... and if she does not react well then drop her!!! if your best friend cannot take your feelings into consideration then that's not good!!

i'm glad that you like me fics btw!! it means a lot <3333

thanks for stopping by 🦊 anon!!! mwah mwah love you (and lmk if i need to air raid P)

[parasolids]

sorry for posting about this so much ive just been chewing on it. when i was a kid i got evaluated for autism and the eval came back as not autistic but has traits at subclinical level; to my understanding, i think this means basically not enough traits to qualify for diagnosis/not disrupting my life? i have some doubts about the eval tbh bc it says my mom said no about behaviors i display, like saying i never get unusually obsessed with things. i think my mom thinks i started doing that in high school but i think i did the same thing as a kid a lot, just with more 'normal' things like pokemon or whatever

idk ive been chewing on that lately, bc its been revealed to me a couple times lately that a couple people do think i am on the spectrum, and also the ways im socially just........... not....... good. cant talk well out loud, weird/flat intonation, hate making eye contact or even looking at people's faces, carry myself weird, inexpressive, word vomiting all over people about my favorite album if they even mention music. i mean i do try to act normal in a situation. i can see myself doing it all wrong. i also cant seem to get it right and i do wonder if those things are probably the aforementioned Subclinical Traits. which sucks a little because if its your personality you can change it but if its just your genetically encoded brain type... you're stuck with that. a trusted professional mentioned (unprompted lol) that retesting might be an option but i know diagnostics are expensive as hell and if i come up positive then that has all sorts of possible consequences about healthcare providers not taking me seriously or even not being able to move out of the US since some countries bar people from moving there

also just kind of feels lonely because like, as far as i'm aware i'm not autistic, but also i have traits that most allistic people do not and it feels glaringly obvious whenever i go outside or talk to people. i dont really feel like i can make claims to being in any kind of autistic communities because i'm not, but i also wish i had like.... a space where i could talk to other people like me? because i have friends at work but i am well aware that i'm scaring the hoes when i rock up and proceed to fail to form coherent sentences around my friends and also make 0 eye contact or anything. i don't even know where to find others like me. it's a little lonely in here. i want companionship

idk if any of yall have been diagnosed the same as me id love to hear more about it bc man the pressures of being human

[lucysweatslove]

General life/school/personal updates. Under a readmore because some touchy subjects.

I finished my second term of med school on Friday!! Very pleased it’s over. I stand by what I’ve said early on- med school has a funny way of taking something you are actually interested in and turning it soooo dry and boring that you’d be happy to never see it again. Material comes at you so fast. I can keep up with what they’re asking, but I can’t deep dive into every topic or subject the way I’d like to. This makes it super boring for me.

I’m a horrible student. Like, I’m doing better than average, so I’m not a horrible student in that regard, but I’m putting forth very little effort. I think this block, I averaged maybe 3 hrs/week outside of the required class sessions. I feel like this comes across as bragging, which I don’t mean to do… talking about it at all feels like there’s now way to win. People get upset when you lie about it (eg act like you’re studying more than you really are), but they also get upset when you’re honest? Idk.

Which also, school in general… so there are focus issues happening (I was unmedicated for a while), and I’ve been having more sensory issues, too. Like needing sunglasses in class, having trouble because everybody is so loud but if I put in earplugs I can’t hear relevant material… People know I’m autistic, and they will see me use tools to accommodate myself. But they won’t actually accommodate me, outside of when I sometimes ask for lights to be turned down during some discussions or lectures (and then proceed to laugh when I visibly jolt and cover my eyes when the lights are turned back on without warning). It’s hard to tell people to turn their voices down twenty notches. It’s easier to just remove myself from the situation entirely. And tbh, I don’t know that I feel safe with my classmates in general. Not that my physical safety is ever in question (I know so many across the world are in physical danger), but that I don’t feel like I belong, that I’m respected, valued, and wanted. It’s lonely and isolating.

I’m also having some body issues as of late. I haven’t been to the gym since school started, which is mostly just because of timing issues. I’ve put on a little more weight, and while that’s not USUALLY a problem, I’m having a hard time navigating it again. When I’m in class or doing something clinical, I’m very aware that I’m being perceived. It’s not just me- it’s my body. Im seen first and foremost as a body with a gender. Im a feminine person, always identified as a woman by others, but my body is fat in a not socially accepted way. The only way to have my body be more socially accepted is to play into the femininity, which I don’t mind in and of itself, but others see femininity as a mark of womanhood rather than just being a general aesthetic… so when I play into femininity to avoid being treated as poorly, im even more gendered. If I try doing anything/dressing more masculine, it doesn’t “cancel out” into neutral. It adds- a slightly more masculine fat woman, still very far from hat “ideas.” Honestly it hasn’t been terrible just performing womanhood, but I miss the days where I was “kid in the pink jacket” and not “fat woman” with all these judgments.

So anyway, I want to start working out again because I know it’s better for my health, but I would be lying if I said I also didn’t desperately wish I had my old body back that was just feminine enough to play into it when I wanted but mostly wasn’t seen as anything major by anybody. The body I had when people just saw my ideas and mind and not a gender or a body shape. When I didn’t have to play into a gender to have my body accepted by society…

Which means that if i did start going back to the gym, my brain will start linking automatically and there is a high chance that i will be using gym not to be healthier but to influence my body which can easily devolve into exercise purging and disordered eating.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if this is how some alcoholics feel. Any small amount of diet-y behavior, like even a sip of alcohol, can trigger relapse. But even non-dieting “diet adjacent” behaviors can do it too. Anything tangentially related could trigger it. Going back the gym, while not inherently dangerous for most people, is so heavily associated with body control, weight loss, calorie counting, exercise purging, etc, that my mind can easily jump back into ED land when I engage in it.

So… yeah. A lot to think about lately. Glad I have a couple weeks off school at least.

[seiwas]

ok so..this is gonna be so strange and this isn’t a request but I wanted to put this idea in ur head bc I can’t get it out of mine

i haven’t looked into gumidori much I don’t think it’s a popular ship at all but there’s this audio going through Instagram rn..and I js saw an artists reel using it

and the audio goes like “hey be safe!”-gumi “I will :))” -itadori and then gojo and nobara are behind them “OH BE SAFE…ILL BE SO SAFE… MWAH MWAH MWAH” and gumi is like “GUYS STOP ITS NOT LIKE THAT..” and then he proceeds to monologue abt how he DOESNT at ALL have a crush on itadori..and then at the end hes like “i just listed all the evidence why I do have a crush on itadori…what the fuck” and gojo and nobara are sitting behind him listening to him mutter to himself and they’re absolutely DYING of laughter

that probably made no sense…it’s about 5am and I haven’t slept yet and I’m losing my mind! anyway have a nice weekend sel LMAO sorry u have to read my shit tonight 😔😔 there’s no way this’ll make sense to you at all but I tried my best I swear :((

but anyways..they’re so boyfriend coded now that I look at it? Like…ur telling me nobara hasn’t been actively discussing how to set them up together with gojo. UR TELLING ME GUMI DOESNT LOOK AT ITADORI AND GO “Hes so perfect, I wanna marry him. because he’s my best friend. No other reason.” Like what are you on about AND NOW APPARENTLY IM A YUJIGUMI(yujigumi? gumidori? Itagumi? gumidori sounds better.) SHIPPER SO THATS GREAT..

I’m gonna go dream abt toji now..goodnight u goose I’m so sorry u have to try to make sense of all this 😭

—anonnie 💌

hello nonie!! hehe i call megumi x yuuji as itafushi!!! (in case that rolls off better for you!)

and u r so sweet for coming in here to share ur thoughts w me !!!!! ohmegawsh 🥹 hehe i love itafushi platonic or not i just !!!!! love them individually, together, poly WHATEVER IT IS !!!!! they really are so boyfriend 🥺 what i love about their dynamic is how they balance each other out in a lot of ways 🥺 and i think megumi, despite being in the jujutsu world for so long, learns a lot from yuuji !! from how he perceives the world and jujutsu sorcery !! i think megumi’s rlly practical and cut throat in a lot of ways, but to see him deem yuuji as someone worthy to be saved 🥺 that’s what gets to me !!

that audio is also so funny !!!! bc megumi rlly would be completely the type to deny deny deny outright (tho i think he’s rlly aware of it deep down 😭 and just doesn’t want anyone to know abt it 😭 but gojo and nobara have him cornered !!! and what else can he do !!! but deny !!! only to realise that he just made it worse for himself 🥲)

i am wishing u the best toji dreams !!!! thank u for taking the time to share this w me nonie 🥹

[dream-critical]

i kinda just want to get this off my chest . my bad if this isn’t even the right place to say this lmao. ive been a fan of tommy for quite a while and im well aware hes close with dream but my god. i do not like dream i fucking hate him tbh

obviously hes not going to suddenly drop dream anytime soon out of the blue but some dumb part of my brain wishes he would lololol

i know im not the only tommy fan who’s also a ‘dranti’ or whatever the fuck . and i really just dont know if i should stop watching him or continue what ive doing- engaging in his content while ignoring everything abt dteam

hes on thin ice for me right now i guess . idk anymore

As someone who used to be a very avid Tommy watcher and someone that really tried to stick with him until the allegations happened (after seeing him constantly interact with dream on twitter I just unfollowed/unsubscribed etc as my interest was fading and I was barely watching his videos anyway and it was genuinely frustrating to see him act like that), I totally get that.

A lot of inniters downright hate dream. And like. Yeah I get that, but I think like. After a certain point you should probably like realize that Tommy is openly friends with dream and even has made jokes about the situation and he's not going to stop anytime soon. And I really think that just taking a step back and just. Dropping him for now would be the best move.

Tbh like I think one thing influencing the whole thing is the fact that Tommy is clinging to the dsmp for dear life bc he just kind of seems lost? As if he doesn't know what to do and how to proceed without the dsmp.

The exile merch, the announcement for yet another "dsmp finale" etc.

Tommy has potential, but I feel like he's throwing it all away bc he refuses to separate himself and his brand from dream and also bc it seems like he just did not expect to lose that big of a chunk of his audience this fast. If the allegations didn't happen he wouldn't have afaik, but he did and now he's just. Stuck like this.

Anyway I haven't watched any of his content in ages so I might be slightly wrong, feel free to correct me ig.

[muu-kun]

Timeline of Mason Thompson’s Most Prominent Traumatic Events (Part 3/4)

Disclaimer: I am not the peacekeeper for what can or cannot be considered trauma. This is solely a document containing a list of what Muu has personally found to be traumatizing to him. And, yes, while nearly 90 percent of it is derived from instances between himself and other muses on tumblr, the original identities have been scraped and replaced with entirely new ones to save face. Any similarity to hereby existing muses is purely incidental. Be mindful of the numerous (but perhaps not limited to) triggers that appear in the upcoming text including: mentions of abuse, bullying, abandonment, neglect, and NUMEROUS discussions on sexual assault. I cannot express enough how frequent that appears in his history, so please proceed with caution. If you have any further questions, my IMs are always open.

Further Disclaimer: This one is not as minor in impact as the prior two were by comparison. Be aware that one contains instances of far more cruel and heinous acts by a longshot. I couldn't sugarcoat a bulk of them even if I tried. There are no silver linings to be had no matter how hard one might squint. I wish with the upmost sincerity that I could take these away from him, but I can't. All I can do is condense them here as a reference guide for those with muses he brings up the topic of something called, "The Big Box". These events are what lurk within it.

18-20: Headed to Hell in a Hand Basket

Losing everyone. His first partner, the one he attempted to build a strong connection with that followed shortly after, his two best friends, and his older brother. They all went forward to live their lives without the hinderance of him being present. Which while, yes, he understands their reasoning on that to some extent, their departure without so much as a glance back ever so often to check in on his state of being was something he held such self blame for that it locked him into a state of chronic rumination-- namely when he was attempting to fall asleep. His insomnia has maybe since improved, but the extent of the damage it caused is presently irreversible.

With everyone leaving back to back, he found himself unknowingly forming an attachment into a vampire much younger in age than the best friend he'd adored for two years straight. This one was his age. They'd exchanged platonic utterances of love being held for the other, and the other male had also declared his concern for the wellbeing of the innocent minded human. Looking back, he'd almost wondered if they had become his favorite person by simply being kind. Not that he could confirm with certainty that he would have fit the diagnosis criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder at that age. It just remains something he is curious of is all. Also a question in his mind is if maybe his increased desire to achieve additional closeness with the vampire was because he held (very one-sided) romantic feelings for him. Logically, he had known they lacked compatibility in that area as both were submissive leaning individuals. With all things considered, though, he was never a logically led person as is at eighteen as is anyways.

When the very vampire he was growing uncertain feelings towards showed him an illustration of two men with appearances mirroring their own kissing each other, and he mistakenly took that as an indication they should have kissed one another as well. He hadn't asked for permission. Or even asked at all what their opinion of kissing was as is. Never had he taken a millisecond to ponder if other people enjoyed the closeness to be had in one as much as he did. He had no idea that had been assaulted in a malicious manner by someone close to them in the past. All he knew was that they were angry and critical of him for his chaste press of his lips to theirs. That were immediately disinterested in him as a friend, and as a person. Scum. That is what they called him.

Know that at the indication he was inevitably going to be left behind an additional time by someone he wanted to love him, and that his own mistakes were solely responsible for the shift from loved to unloved to occur, Muu had not been kind. By his logic, if he was so terrible as they began to imply, he was going to at least put evidence of such right there to back it up. He grew mean. Resentful. Reactive. And what other way to really cement in place that he was as awful as he was implied by them to be? To press the exact buttons he knew existed early by pure mistake. Kissing them. Again. And again. Hell, he'd lost count. And boy did he learn to regret it.

When the kissing he was guilty of got him labeled a sexual predator. It takes being an adult looking back on this one for Muu to find it a gray area in retrospect. On one hand it isn't an incorrect statement as he knew he was purposefully retraumatizing something that had confided in him a personal truth. On the other, however, Muu would swear it had no underlying desire to be with them in any kind of lustful manner. At the time, he lacked the maturity and understanding that sexual assault didn't actually boil down to sex. It was power. So while this statement hurt him by really pressing on the existing wounds left over from not having his own trauma being ignored, who else is to really fault for his autonomy being utilized for giving that pain to someone else to carry as well?

When he'd been told that he was going to go Hell to spend an eternity alone while his friends were all going to get to play together in Heaven without him. Neither Muu or the person telling him it believed in those forms of afterlife to begin with, and yet the intention and fear going in and out from statement was acquired from the same energy. Both parties were well aware that Muu was significantly afraid of being left behind. For a lot of reasons, though, Muu really wish they had just left each other's lives after that conversation. A lot wouldn't have happened if they did.

When things between himself and his newly sworn vampire enemy, known by Muu in present times as A Bat, when from bad to worse. Words aimed at him continued to be more thought out attacks of his psyche by gunning for his most deeply rooted insecurities. Of those that came out, the most devastating to his system didn't even come from the Bat personally. Instead, it came from the Bat's best friend. She informed him he was unlovable. And together they would remind him of this suddenly undisputed fact about himself every chance they could. And later, so would many others.

Words didn't stay words for long. Eventually resentment was carried out in physical altercations. Strangers he didn't even know were arriving from the woodwork to fight for their Bat brethren how they deemed necessary. That included having his arms repetitively twisted in multiple spots by people far stronger than himself. Some went out of their way to truly showcase their strength by picking up the young adult and throwing him against whatever surface was available. Walls, the floor, playground equipment, etc. He had broken rips, numerous sprains to all of his limbs, and acquired a bullet wound scar from being shot at from a close distance. It was left known to him to say the least that he was more desirable dead than alive at that point.

When he attempted to confide in mutual friends of his and the Bat that people were hitting him, or being unkind to him in what words were still being used, they all just told him that they refused to aid him in anyway. That he had it coming, so therefore he needed to endure it. And that while they were not blatantly going to admit to picking sides, surely none of them would have picked his anyways. Having no one to stop it-- especially not himself as he didn't know how-- there was really no shock at the fact everything escalated even further than what had already transpired.

When it became what he assumed to be universal knowledge that not only would Muu allow anything to happen to himself, and that no one was going to intervene to aid him, could he have really faulted anyone from thinking, "Why physically assault him when we can do so sexually instead?". Not to mention the fact that as a response to a lack of safety for his body on that front, he became so detached from all sensibility that he ignored indications of it in other parts of his life as he could only become attached to the idea of a saving friendship. Lacking the ability to reach out to anyone, the know how to recognize grooming from those more educated in the long haul of hurting another human being, and desperate enough to go to any ends to be "good" as a means of stopping all the pain going his way, Muu would find himself so frequently assaulted in the two year span that a number can't even settle himself down enough to go through all the gray areas in between all the red flags to get a proper number. Only what can really be provided is the most prominent acts of violence that area listed below.

Warning: These are graphic depictions of rape. And reminder: none of these muses are my own. These were all things to occur on tumblr-- and, no, they were not brought up to me beforehand and gained my permission as a writer. These were non-consensual on all fronts and therefore were severely traumatizing for Muu, who had no idea what was coming. The only thing I've changed is names for the sake of the fact that many muns involved have sought out to apologize for their carelessness at the time. Nevertheless, the damage was done, and this is for Muu to have his story told.

Lennox, 16 at time of assault. He was sixteen to Muu's eighteen. You read that right. The teen brother to someone the older male began to establish an infatuation with, but never reciprocated his feelings as they had far too much to focus on than a relationship. Even so, it didn't stop Muu from visiting often in the hopes that they would take a liking to him once they were truly able to settle down from an extensive list of adult responsibilities to sit down and have a chat. He'd try his hand at helping as he could, but being that they thought of him as a little brother enough as is with his noticeable cognitive deficit, they often found what opportunities they could to get both boys to boys together. What they didn't know was once left on their own devices to hash their distain for one another out, Lennox frequently pantsed and molested the special needs adult male out in secluded areas of the family's home. Thinking he could take it as he held out for the eldest sibling to pay him mind, he kept what was going on a secret. Or at least until the eve of what was supposed to be a night over between the adults over at the house. He'd found himself wandering about while everyone else appeared asleep, as his insomnia forbid him most nights from reaching slumber until late, late into the night. Awake as well had been the teenager, who invited him into the room with a promise to teach him how to play some of the most popular videogames at the time. Wanting to be educated on what boys liked to do, as he had always wished to fit into a group of them growing up, he agreed. As it would turn out, Lennox had a far different game in mind that they were going to play. One that involved taking a thin, not quite phallic looking item found in his room, and forcing it inside of Muu with no preparation whatsoever. When it was over, he located a parent within the home to drive him home. Only in the car did he confess that the teen had hurt his privates, and that he was concerned about the bleeding caused by such physical trauma. The only response he had been given was to tell no one else what had happened before being dropped off at home to tend to his wounds on his own. This is the event responsible for Muu not wishing to show his backside to anyone even years later. He is aware there has to be scarring present from what occurred, and he is incredibly self conscious of that fact. No part of him wants anyone to notice. Even if maybe they couldn't do so in the first place. He'd rather be cautious than not.

Chun-hee, 19 at time of assault. Otherwise known as Cherry, a gender non-conforming employee of the streets. Notorious for mugging, yet they never claimed to being above anything else outside of that. For what reason he might never know, but Muu happened to catch their eye after the first time he'd walked unassuming into their territory as his best method from getting between work and home as someone that relied on the transit system to get around. At first, when they would cross paths, all that was wanted from him was whatever was inside his wallet. If he had nothing, the next to be demanded would be his clothing. When he grew tired of being compliant, and only wished for them to leave him alone in order for him to get on with his day, their aggression towards him only grew. Any respect for him they could have possibly found in their empty heart went out the window. Once, when Muu had refused to give up his wallet, and instead shoved it inside his own pants for what he anticipated to be a safe place for it, Cherry had simply went in after it to retrieve it. What organ they were in proximity to, and grazed against in the process, was completely irrelevant. Or at least seemed so until any refusal on the younger male's part was intended at being kept in check with threats of sexual violence. That if he didn't comply, they would "fuck" him. Eventually, if turned to when. The first instance of things taking a turn for the lewd and unlawful between them was Chewon forcibly held Muu down onto the ground before inserting their genitalia into his mouth without his consent. To keep him compliant then and thereafter, they would threaten him with a knife. Once they'd even gone as far as to hold it near his groin, causing him to urinate on himself in front of them. At the sight of their disgust at what he'd done on instinct, he utilized it thereafter to pee on himself immediately at the sight of the other until they eventually gave up to go after someone else in his place. It is because of the events associated with them that he often discusses "making like a deer". He'd learned that they too release their bowels to escape being eaten by predators. Even years later, he is still at the ready to empty his own if he thinks there is a high probability someone is going to rape him. Also note that Muu had told someone immediately after Chewon had forced him into giving them oral copulation. The person he reached out to had really only told him to not confide in them again unless he had something far worse to share, because plenty of people had it more severe than that. Everything had something worse to compare it to, so at that he opted to tell no one about anything. There was no one to disappoint by doing so.

Kenji, 34 at time of assault. He and Muu met after the younger man answered his online ad seeking out someone to be his pet. Muu had been familiarized by the concept by another older man in his life who claimed it was the process of someone teaching another man to be good. Hoping that becoming such would solve all his problems in life as being bad had caused them, he couldn't have been more enthusiastic to stumble on someone's shared proposition. In the beginning, nothing they'd done on a sexual level as anywhere close to involving penetration, so he hadn't really thought on it to escape a situation that got him attention, and didn't require him to settle on a intimate dynamic that made him uncomfortable. Eventually, however, the older man's true colors really started to come out in the form of going from kind towards him when he made what was perceived to be mistakes to punishing him crudely. Worse even was that he always made Muu pick his own punishment from two unpleasant options. And if he failed to endure the one, he faced further consequence in being made to handle the other. That included becoming aggressive towards them from trying to introduce electricity play into their lessons to the point he hit the older man in the face. In retaliation to spoiling their underlyingly intimate encounter, and for striking them, he was made to pick between seeing if he could withstand having four climaxes prevented, or endure quadruple that in harsh smacks against his posterior. At first he attempted the option involving denial since he hadn't experienced the sensation of it before to know what pain and discomfort to anticipate. When that grew too overstimulating, he cried out and had to face the reality of being rid of the clothing covering up his lower half without a single word before enduring the first of many painful and hard smacks to bare flesh. The scene would grotesquely be mirrored later down the road when the older man reached a boiling point of anger towards the young blond for something forgettable, they chased him out into the living room to pin him along the arm of the couch, stripped him of the clothing adorning his skin below the belt, and assaulted him.

The Grayest Area of Them All

Amais. Ageless. A demon of demons. This is the person that told him when he was sixteen that the reason he was getting in trouble for confiding in people about his second and third assaults involving Grim was because they were his fault. He is also the only one Muu knew was a rapist as they had bragged about it to him in the past that his immeasurable amount of crimes were still incapable of putting him behind bars because he was in everyone's pockets. That and the fact not even Hell could contain him as that was his origin of place anyways. Amais knew no bounds when it came to sex as he was a demon associated with it. He openly shared the fact that he had fornicated with men, women, and even children against their will hundreds of times with no end in sight, and yet the then twenty year old still kept in contact. Mainly because by then he really didn't feel like he had anyone else's support. As such, he admittedly shared a bit too much about his most modern day predicaments. Including the conversation of being made good through a pet based dynamic. Seemingly feeling sorry for the young adult at the tales of his misfortune, the demon suggested that they take his teachings instead. Amais warned, though, that those who lived in his home to acquire his lessons were at times expected to please him regardless of whether or not their own desires were there in the moment. He had also gone to indicate that he really wouldn't have thought to pick Muu for a nightly event anyways as he held no attraction to him in any kind of manner. It was actually Muu himself that pleaded to keep in mind as he did not want to feel any different, or less desirable than those around him. In response, the elder stated to the younger that he was expected to be at his chambers at an approximate time for the two to engage in sexual intimacy. And that regardless of if he cried, screamed, or kicked as best he could, Amais was not going to stop. Why the smaller blond anticipated in any way that he would have been different from all the others he'd said those words to is anyone's guess. In the end, he did go to their room fresh after a bath as additionally expected of him, got undressed, climbed into the other's bed, and then spent an indiscernible amount of time begging his way out of an assault that didn't end until the demon himself decided it was over.

It was immediately following the assault involving Amais that Muu went no contact with everyone and ran away to not be seen years later. He highly suspected that not only was no one going to believe him for a rape that had to have been his fault, it probably would have just acted as further encouragement for those being harmful to his body on behalf of the Bat to get friends and monsters they were associated with involved with what was being inflicted on him from all sides in life. He couldn't take it anymore, so he disappeared. And now that he is back and trying to speak on these events to people, do you know what he really wants out of it? To be held not as the eighteen to twenty year old that endured all this, but actually of the section of sixteen year old version of himself that split off after the first time they had been hurt with no where to go following it either. He'd been carrying it unsuspectingly through each patch of grass, sidewalk, piece of furniture, and bedroom he'd been hurt in thereafter as if any bit of familiarity would have assisted him to detecting the pain before he couldn't prevent it anymore. They've only had each other this whole time, so it would so freeing to his heart to get the opportunity to be coddled so lovingly that every bit of him knows he is someone's baby in the way he never got to be enough to finally give into the idea it doesn't have to be just him on his own anymore. And that it is safe for him to truly be himself by coming back into the out now, because it is safe for him to do so. You'll know you are there when the broken bits of him wither away to reveal the mirth that has always been lurking in desperation to be seen again. Only when you can describe him as nothing more fitting than a child that won't cease coming to you for affection, or give you a moment to breathe for a moment without joyfully telling you all about his otherwise mundane sounding day, will it be put to your attention that you are in the vicinity of Muu in his finest, happiest, and most genuine form.

[000marie198]

Different anon but I'm pretty sure they meant make a tag that says 'live blogging' or soemthing along those lines instead of just tagging the thing you're live blogging about :]

I'm aware

But their manner greatly pissed me off, especially after they simply went up and said "im sorry if I sound rude, I don't know how to deliver tone through text" or whatever. I've seen msgs like this both genuine and done as excuses, I can tell the difference. People might get angry at me for this but know that I'm both an empath and a reader/writer. I can tell apart intentions and emotions even through text, through the narrative.

And I'm sorry to say but if someone is deliberately going to be rude in my inbox about a minor inconvenience they faced that can be fixed by them and then proceed to act like they can get away with it by using the "tone indication" excuse even knowing it very well did sound offensive and rude, don't expect me to follow their wishes.

I don't want to go through every post I've already made and add a tag to it for someone who didn't even bother remembering that the other person is also a human trying to have a good time and who could also get annoyed/frustrated/angry