#im goddamn trying but its so damn hard and i know i shouldnt give into temptation but i procrastinate so damn much and its taking and menta

[emakenz]

was talking abt symptoms of autism to my parents and my dad put his head in his hands saying he wish the internet didnt exist and that i should go to a library. bitch. you stupid slut. i am expressing my emotions and thoughts just like you have encouraged me to do then you fucking insult me? right to jail. go to big meanie jail. i am sending you to prison.

i was saying how i present a lot of the symptoms (such as social impairment, lack of understanding in social cues, RSD, not understanding social standards and therefore not abiding by what i "ought to do" //like shaving my legs bc im a girl. hell no. hate the feeling, and im not cis, and im not your fucking doll on display//, sensory issues, difficulty processing shit, hyperfixations, etc etc) and he goes and fucking. pretty much SHAMES me for it. not outright saying it, but definitely implying that im just trying to get attention or be special or that im a hypochondriac. im sorry, but last i checked, IM the one whos taken CLASSES. AT SCHOOL. about similar shit. and you have the nerve to blame THE INTERNET for me spitting straight fire. burn in my wrath you dumb whore. im SORRY for EXPRESSING MYSELF and RAMBLING ABOUT THINGS IM INTERESTED IN. god forbid i fucking talk about anything that goes against YOUR VIEWS. you always say that you "dont push your beliefs on others" and that others "shouldnt push their beliefs on you" but yet you stand there and belittle MY BELIEFS when im the one that actually RESEARCHED what IM TALKING ABOUT. what do you know. you only have "experience" (living in a small town full of closed minded hillbillies that strut their problematic asses through life. THATS NOT EXPERIENCE. YOUVE ONLY LIVED IN ONE FUCKING CITY YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU DONT LEAVE, YOURE ALWAYS AT HOME OR AT WORK. YOU DONT INTERACT WITH PEOPLE DIFFERENT THAN YOU. YOU DONT KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT EXPERIENCE AS YOU HAVENT FUCKING LIVED OR LEARNED.). you always compare yourself to others, saying how youre laid back and lenient and the most easy going dad in town, yet when i compare literally anything saying that something is better than this (like i can say i believe that so and so is better than whatstheirface) and if it goes against your opinion, you fucking go on and on about how youre right and im wrong because im just a kid that hasnt lived. bitch you havent lived and youre 45. get over yourself you white cishet privileged motherfucker. your only "discrimination" is being poor, but that comes with living as a LOW LIFE THAT DOESNT TRY TO BETTER THEIRSELF OR TAKE AN OPPORTUNITY WHEN YOU SEE ONE. ive lived in the same broken down trailer since before i was born, ive only went to one school up until high school, (one school for elementary and middle school then the high school, thats it), i havent had a job or done anything with any impact to society so therefore im worthless in your eyes? you provided this for my life. im not going to be your doll, your pet, your servant or what have you. im a fucking person, an individual with my OWN "experience" and views and beliefs. im not following your rules, the rules that have no reason to exist other than it displeases you if i dont follow them. i try to educate myself, i research, i interact with different kinds of people, and while i may not have firsthand "experience" with much, at least i fucking try to not be ignorant. youre so willingly ignorant, you dont care about the facts, you dont trust anything or anyone. youre so skeptical of every little thing. but somehow your beliefs are the definite reality? that you hold the truth? youre so skeptical you dont even trust your own views, you claim to be open minded, then turn around and claim to be closed minded and that your views cant be changed unless proven otherwise, yet even when your view is proven against being true, you still dont believe it. you dont have the confidence in yourself to hold yourself accountable by your own words. youre an ignorant, close minded, hypocritical asshole. i love you, but DAMN you make me mad. everyone has flaws but.. damn. problematic king behavior over here, get him the crown of dumbassery. goddamn.

hes apologized and explained that he tries to be mindful and how much he has to hold his tongue and that hes being polite to me compared to others and how he wont change etc etc. thats not an apology thats a half hearted explanation of why you act that way and that you dont really feel the need to actually try. you say its hard for you to talk to me bc im so "political" and take things literally and personally (the last two are true, but if im to be officially diagnosed with autism, im throwing that in his face. ill give HIM and explanation of why I dont fit his eyes.), im not even political im just honest. if i notice you saying or doing something thats genuinely Wrong, im going to say something, i dont want to be the judgemental "millenial" (im gen z, not that it matters really) but i also dont want to just stand by without saying something. you say im so "politically correct" and it hurts me that you feel so passionate about your fragile mindset that you feel the need to call me out on my "argumentative attitude". im just trying to spread awareness, go ahead, call the pharmacist a slur, say it to their face, you coward. you wont. because you know that its wrong. if you have the balls to say it, i hope someone actually tells you off and gives you the same treatment. you couldnt handle it. being "discriminated" against, while in reality, you were the discriminater. dont fucking dish it out if you cant handle it. be mindful, respectful, and educate yourself. check yourself before you wreck yourself. or someone will come to wreck you themself to teach you a lesson.

very big vent here im tired. ignore this lmfao. everythings fine im just a petty bitch.

[thespiantherepist]

ANDROID KAMINARI X READER

Warnings: Slight spiciness, Denki being an idiot, electric shock.

Shooting my shot with another android.

So... howd you get here?

Well.

You tried to make a robot.

No, you succeded!

However, your dumbass spilt coffee on the damn bot.

So, it electrocuted you.

Now you were trying to find a soulution, to fix the short circuting android; whrn suddenly.

It stopped.

No buzzing, no sparks.

Nothing.

You stepped forward cautiously. Giggling when you knew the coast was clear. You stepped forward quickly, smiling like a madman.

You put your hands on the side of the male androids cheeks turning them slightly. Looking him over you chuckled with glee.

"Perfection, look at you! Just a little nore polish, and you're a masterpeice!" You pushed up your goggles. Broadly smiling and turning him to face right at you.

Suddenly the green light on his neck came on. You raised a brow in inquisition.

"What in gods na-"

Two hands were placed on your face, pulling you forward. Lips came into hard contact with yours.

You were bamboozled, and you pushed yourself away from your machine in haste.

"Thanks for the compliments, I could say the same for you cutie!" A cheerful voice piped up from above you.

You opened your eyes while crawling backwards.

"Whats wrong sunshine? Oh! Thats good, waiiit! I can make it better. SUNSHINE NUGGET! BECAUSE NUGGETS ARE TASTY, KINDA LIKE YOUR LIPS!"

You stared flabbergasted at the robot above you, his Golden eyes boring into yours. Admiration swimming within them.

"Huh?"

"You heard me beautiful," He held out a surprisingly warm hand to you, you grabbed it and he pulled you up.

You brushed yourself off.

"Your eyes are supposed to be Black." You said bluntly. He just shrugged, sticking his tounge out. You rubbed your temple.

"Whats your name?"

"I DoNT KnoW."

'What the hell?' You thought, he was supposed to be brilliant, he bad to know his name. Maybe it was a bug, you'd fix it later.

"Ill have to this later, for now you should know your name is Denki."

"Why cant I be Pikachu?"

Your eyes bulged. This robot didnt have a bug. He was sentient!

This was groundbreaking, if you show the commitee this youd be sure to-

"Dare me to shove my entire fist in my throat?"

"NO WAIT!"

This. Was. Exhausting.

"Denki, get me my candy."

He would hand you a strawberry.

"What is this?"

"Its a strawberry, its healthy."

"Denki Im on a video call stop doing tictac dances in the background."

"DENKI KAMINARI GET OFF THE GODDAMN ROOF NOW BEFORE I RESET YOUR ASS!"

He thought it was hot when you got flustered. It was terrible. The day, the day, you took him to see the commision. He decided to try that shit.

"And thus I say this android is in fact sentient!" You projected to the table, showing Denki off proudly.

To which he got surprised, short circuting himself.

"EEEEEE" He idled back, and fourth. His red power liquid leaking from his nostril. You face planted, but the commison got a kick out of it.

They started a roaring applause.

You restarted Denki quickly. Dragging him to sit down next to you. The head of the commission started congratulating you loudly. The other members nodded in tandum, giving thier own opinions.

Denki only had one thought in his mind, 'Im hungry, oh look a neck!'

He hugged your waist, lightly nipping your neck at the base. He also slightly licked it. Yiu stayed still, trying to remain professional. Blushing madly.

He started sucking, leaving purple hickies on your neck.

"Congratulations doctor, youve just won yourself a spot in our-" Denki right then, and there bit hard down on your neck, electroucuting you at the same time.

"NYYYAAHHH!" You moaned loudly.

The entire commision stared at you, silently. They watched as you confulsed from the electric shock. Your eyes watered with tears from embarassment, and pain as you starred at your creation.

He was also in shock, but he short circuted once more.

Your face was on fire.

The head laughed kindly.

"My he's such a character! Dont worry now, its okay, we understand you were trying to be professional."

You nodded your heart clenching.

"Why do I have to stay in the closet!" Denki whined loudly as you tried shoving him in.

"You embaressed me you screwed up of bolts."

"I didnt mean to shock you!"

"You shouldnt have bit me!" You shoved him in closing, and locking the door.

"Sunshine..." He said muffled throught the door.

You sighed.

"Yes Denki?"

"I love you."

"I love you to dunce face."

"Aww... so mean."

[riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice]

so 2020 is officially here and i’ve left my party early to do some INTROSPECTION and SELF ASSESSMENT can i get a hell yeah ??

i’ve started this blog here mainly for myself; i want to see how i progress with certain elements of my life and i think i need somewhere to write down my gotdamn feelings. obviously tumblr is free

i’m setting some goals for the decade right now. a decade is a long time so these are some big goals (plus some little goals)

1. get through university

im 21 and ive only just started university. when i left sixth form the thought of all that debt made me weep so i thought fuck that noise and got an apprenticeship. luckily for me my apprenticeship was incredible and i love my job to bits and now theyre paying for me to do my bachelors in chemistry. ITS SO HARD THOUGH!!!!!! i am very out of practice as a student so the existence of studyblrs is a godsend.. this blog may turn into a bit of a studyblr

2. keep playing piano

earlier this year i bought a piano on a whim (potentially not my most sound financial investment. it was 600 quid) thankfully ive actually practised a lot and im quite proud of what ive achieved (being able to play moonlight sonata and the piano from amelie is a highlight) and i definitely want to keep it up but i have a habit of just giving up for no damn reason. my focus drifts and i never go back. piano brings me a sense of peace and pride and i really do not want to give that up though, so come 2030 i gotta be a pro okay? right

3. write my novel

this might seem like a stupid and unrealistic goal to just pluck out of nowhere but i’ve had this story and these characters running around in my head for sometime now. i havent come up with a sufficient plot summary because its all so abstract in my brain and i need to get these bastard characters out on a page so they can stop disturbing my thoughts

4. learn a language

i say learn a language - i’ve already gotten pretty deep into two languages, russian and swedish and i was quite good at them like conversational at least, but then of course i didnt practice and i got out of the habit and now im like barely remembering any of it. i can barely speak english on a bad day and i am english. so im gonna put my goddamn memrise pro subscription to good fucking use or im gonna have to go back to that demonic stalker hell bird from duolingo

5. lose weight/get fit

over the last couple of years i have put on a lot of weight. i think it might be a combination of getting used to full adult working hours, stress of moving out and becoming dependent purely on my own damn self and not knowing how to cook and kind of just enjoying life a bit too much (not that you shouldnt enjoy life, i mean that i go out and eat and drink far far too often) i dont necessarily want to ‘get skinny’, i just want to be proud of my body and happy with the things it can do. for this ive got a couple of ‘sub goals’:

learn to cook like a normal human being

start going to the gym (that is IN MY BUILDING and also FREE)

try barre balance classes

finally for the love of god, go back and relearn ice skating

6. work on my mental health

so after seven years (!!!) of having some pretty bad issues and low points etc etc. i finally had something of a mental breakdown in june this year. turns out pretending that everything is fine is not a long term solution. so with a bit of help from my mum, i am now in therapy. and boy there is a lot going on. things i hadn’t even thought about since i was a child are actually still affecting me in a big way??? what bullshit. childhood trauma seemed like something that happened to other people and not in my real life. but im working through it. its going to be a long haul journey and theres so much i havent even begun to try to deal with, but if i can stay on the right track and work through it all i’ll be happy. i know its not something that can be like fixed and done with, so if i can just find the will to carry on with everything i’ll be pleased

OKAY, so these are my long term goals. im trying not to put too much pressure on myself to do all of this all the time. maybe ill have a week where i learn 6000 songs on the piano and nothing else. thats cool. although i think uni work may be a bit of a priority that i need to push myself on.... 

but anyway, to anyone who reads this inane ramble, i hope you have a gorgeous 2020 and a roaring 20′s decade and remember -  

stay sexy

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[voidwizerd-archive]

BONDING EXPERIENCES?? ==>

[[ logs with @carnivalsorphans​, our muses keep bonding in very confusing ways, what the fuck are these two ]]

voidwizerd okay first off please dont bring this up w Kankri bc th last thing i can handle rn is anythin resemblin a moral talk im too pissed

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd do you ever like get a super specific urge to just beat a body senseless does this happen to you

carnivalsorphans often enough that the thought some people don't kinda baffles

voidwizerd i cant get at who i wanna get at theyre all universes away n maybe DEAD which sure would be fuckin convenient fr them huh i just

carnivalsorphans hahaha yeah fuckin relatable

voidwizerd wanna find some shitty person n whale on em until theyre only sorta recognizable

carnivalsorphans hmmm

voidwizerd teeth aint that necessary anyhow ugh

carnivalsorphans hahahaha do you actually want me ta find ya someone shitty ta fuck up or we just talkin hypotheticals and feelings?

voidwizerd i honestly dont even know i just wanted to confirm someone else experiences this too

voidwizerd i figured if anyone does itd be you

carnivalsorphans aight, just feelings yeah, you bet sib a lot. and it's hard. just kinda.... keepin that real tight inside it winds ya up a bit warps you and makes ya feel all weird til ya can do somethin ta make it stop i used ta bleed myself and then paint with it, but wicked said that's bad, so i'm tryinna figure somethin else out

carnivalsorphans i felt that way bout anyone i actually give a fuck about, where any time they talk on their old shit it just makes me tense up and start this fuckin rumble

carnivalsorphans usually stop it afore it gets loud though kankri says he don't feel that way at all, but i bet there's somethin that'd wind him up that bad somethin for everyone that just makes em wanna beat someone bloody

voidwizerd yeah it just its like wrappin your insides up tighter n tighter n tighter n it feels like itll rip n spill everythin out

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd so fuck, if its gonna tear eventually why not choose myself how that happens???

carnivalsorphans yeah and i'd think at least no one was gettin hurt but me and i like pain anyhow

carnivalsorphans and it spills out nice and slow and i get somethin pretty at the end of it but ... ya gotta pick ya poison, sometimes

voidwizerd i guess i did that last one kinda fr different reasons n a bit more extreme but ha ha ........i fuckin hate copin

carnivalsorphans yeah, it's hard i got a lot ta cope with

carnivalsorphans used ta think i was better than addiction, but i ... dunno. feel like an addict sometimes. wicked says i might be one, even. instead of the bottom of a bottle, i just got my claws

voidwizerd just bout anythin can be addicted to i used to run until my body gave out only way my mind would go quiet i miss th quiet

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd but Kankri would worry

carnivalsorphans fuck havin connections ta people hahaha

voidwizerd right its terrible but also i wouldnt know what happy is like either

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd th loneliness was killin me ha like literally lmaooooo

carnivalsorphans yeah i can feel that

voidwizerd well no okay technically i was doin that my own damn self

carnivalsorphans you wouldn't think, surrounded by church who loves me

carnivalsorphans but ya know. lonely at the top

voidwizerd fuckin pussy i was broke in less than two sweeps. whoop whoop yeah yeah i bet lonely is terrible, fuck that shit

carnivalsorphans used ta be worse but used ta be, i didn't care .... way way fuckin back when saw people bein all close to eachother and it seemed like a waste a fuckin time and energy and like they was a bit away from stabbin eachother in the back

carnivalsorphans .... fuckin ignorance was bliss

voidwizerd ha wouldnt it be so much easier just to not

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd not need that not fuckin CLING to affection like a goddamn lifeline bc its either that n bein treated like garbage or bein treated like nothin at all

carnivalsorphans yeah, fuck that

voidwizerd hurt or isolation take your pick trick question they both hurt and they both make you feel isolated

carnivalsorphans yeah hahahahaha

carnivalsorphans rather have real hurt though. makes shit hard ta focus on .... sometimes, at least

voidwizerd mmn

carnivalsorphans > Try not to think of Artemi. > Try /really hard/

voidwizerd do i like pain fr kinky reasons or do i like it bc i just want someone to beat me to shit

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd these are th questions

carnivalsorphans just assume it's a little a both

carnivalsorphans nothin's ever so black and white sometimes a lil more of one, sometimes a lil more of another

voidwizerd fuckin

carnivalsorphans and sometimes it fades away so much ya almost forget it's there

voidwizerd hate that shit

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd wish it could be simple shouldnt knowin yourself be simple but nah

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd other ppl know me better than me

carnivalsorphans depends on how fuckin much you want to know

voidwizerd aint that just th fuckin way

carnivalsorphans i've tried real hard not ta let anyone know me fuckin hate bein /known/ bein... able ta pin down predict

voidwizerd sure is a thing its scary

voidwizerd scarier than anythin

carnivalsorphans .... yeah and not just cuz i'm scared for my church not just cuz i'm scared a how people will take it just... 's

voidwizerd if i didnt trust Kankri so much id prolly just. go outta my fuckin mind of terror. ha

carnivalsorphans yeah every time me and wicked have a real talk, i get a bit.... tense. all tensed up for him ta fuckin recoil or use shit against me or probably ain't the best way ta feel with ya rail, but

voidwizerd no i i get that fuck dude i literally couldnt tell you how often Jane n Dirk did that to me but my stupid ass kept confidin in em anyway

carnivalsorphans hahaha i never risked it sometimes i'd tell shit to people i was

voidwizerd only reason i didnt confide w Jake at all was cause he never paid attention to anythin that wasnt bout him

carnivalsorphans hurtin. i ain't ever had enough trust in fuckers to do that sorta shit too often

voidwizerd shit dude if ur only confidantes are th ppl ur torturin you just might need to get out more

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha yeah

carnivalsorphans i kinda went a bit nuts after i fell got better though

voidwizerd good on you shoulder pat for success

carnivalsorphans there's a lotta things i miss bout that time. probably more than i should. one more addiction ta add onto the pile

voidwizerd ha careful dude dont wanna be breakin records here

carnivalsorphans hahahaha i've lived a long time, i set all the records

voidwizerd my point is to get better rather than worse knucklehead though ha tbh this is one of those lights i doubt thats really a possible thing

carnivalsorphans hahaha how bout we just try for not gettin worse tolight? wanna come over? for the sake a not bein alone

voidwizerd i .....yeah thanks

carnivalsorphans fuck knows i ain't gonna be good for bein alone tonight neither. .... but i don't really wanna worry wicked over me bein all whatever i am right now

voidwizerd "whatever" is a good word fr feelins tonight "whatever" with a side of "sad n violent"

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd apparently not a regular or good thing to feel .. is it bad fr me to be so relieved you get this way too

carnivalsorphans naw 's normal ta feel relieved that ya ain't alone in ya experiences

carnivalsorphans fuck, that's sorta why i hang around sugary and vel and wicked

voidwizerd oh huh i guess i like. well i didnt even know i was angry until well

carnivalsorphans until you was burnin

voidwizerd yeah

carnivalsorphans i think vel sorta gets like that

voidwizerd i guess i been mad a long time but

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd long as i ignored it things never happened

carnivalsorphans people tend ta forget angry is somethin they is allowed ta be

voidwizerd until that naggin suspicion got confirmed, that i was treated no better than shit on someones heel, n i just welp there goes th neighborhood

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd anger is its big

carnivalsorphans anger is born out of sorrow a lot sorrow at fuckin... lack at bein wronged

voidwizerd .....yeah

carnivalsorphans at missed opportunities and bein taken advantage of

voidwizerd at at knowin i did nothin to get hurt n did *everythin* to win approval thats just

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd seventeen goddamn years of waste right there

carnivalsorphans yeah sweeps of lack of what ya deserved

voidwizerd i didnt deserve that

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd *they* deserved my goddamn fists i wish id fought back

carnivalsorphans it's aight to be angry bout that shit. people always say it's aight to mourn, but sometimes mournin involves gettin fuckin pissed

voidwizerd i wish id listened to my instincts

carnivalsorphans you did what ya knew ta do and that's... somethin

carnivalsorphans may not always feel good

voidwizerd i loved em too much was th problem id let anythin slide cause they was my whole world

carnivalsorphans ain't nothin wrong with lovin maybe a bit wrong with bein blinded by it, but there ain't nothin to be done about that except learn from it

voidwizerd yeah took

carnivalsorphans and fuckin... bein tempered hurts, but it does make ya stronger

voidwizerd fuckin 21 years but i learned

carnivalsorphans .... cmere?

voidwizerd yeah

voidwizerd yeah ill be there

carnivalsorphans > Probably help to send coords. > And then time to snug a friend

voidwizerd > Friend will cry and rant a lot but appreciate much. > Mostly cry.

carnivalsorphans > Pet the friend. Kiss their head and wipe away tears sometimes and comfort and offer inappropriate jokes when tears seem to be letting up.

voidwizerd > Jokes get a smile and then even more crying because what the fuck is an appropriate response to people caring about them.

carnivalsorphans > More kisses because how do you deal with people crying Normally anyway?

voidwizerd > Kisses back a little because that seems to help and not kissing back was starting to feel Weird.

carnivalsorphans > Prr? Wipe away tears, focus more on wiz than your own shit.

voidwizerd > Pr... Still feeling terrible, and thinking about bad gunk, but at least not alone. And good to be with someone who kinda gets it. "We're sorta fucked up huh."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah. But we make it work."

voidwizerd "Fuck dude we sure do. By the skin of our fuckin teeth but we're doin it."

carnivalsorphans "I think we're doin better than some people."

voidwizerd "That's optimistic." > Weak laugh.

carnivalsorphans "Naw, we ain't still stuck in our old shit. I think that's better off. Some people never get that far."

voidwizerd "...That's true." > Snuggle up more after decaptchaing more blankets. Feeling more vulnerable to Ringleader's chilliness.

carnivalsorphans > Oh, good. A layer between you and the warmth. ... Give the bundled wiz a squish. "There's somethin to be said for bein proud of how far we've come, at least. Even if we ain't where we wanna be yet." > .... Where does he want to be though?

voidwizerd "Where we even tryin to get to, though?" > Squish is good. Quiet purr.

carnivalsorphans > A snort. "Ya know, I was thinkin the exact same thing." > Loud purring.

voidwizerd "Don't that just figure. Tolight we're real fulla questions that don't got proper answers, huh."

carnivalsorphans "I dunno that we gotta know where we're goin ta be glad we're not where we were."

voidwizerd > Now you snort. "That's some deep shit."

carnivalsorphans "That's me. Deep as fuck. ya know my real secret now.

voidwizerd "I'm honored!" > Quiet laugh. Moody staring at nothing for a while. "Think I'm done cryin now. Got that hollow sense settlin in nice an blegh.”

carnivalsorphans “Yeah, fuck that. I only appreciate that shit when i’m needin to think after bein pissed. And even then, it ain’t the same as true calm.”

voidwizerd "Mmh. Better than feelin I'm about to like... break into a million billion pieces. Like takin a sledgehammer to a window. Ha." > Blink slow. Slower. You're not moving so much.

carnivalsorphans > Squish. You ain't their rail, it's not your responsibility to make sure they're all... In tact. .... But still, you're a bit concerned. A tiny bit. "Anythin I can be doin ta help?"

voidwizerd "'unno. Feelin's gone for now." > Whoops, that there is a yawn. You rub your face, trying to stay awake. "What about you?"

carnivalsorphans "Feel.... Warm." Soft purring. "Probably about time ta pass out."

voidwizerd "Mmh." Sprawl out a bit. "Thanks for bein my comrade in shittiness."

carnivalsorphans "Misery demands company and all that. Plus i like hangin around you."

voidwizerd "Gay."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah." Forehead kiss.

voidwizerd > Mumble a barely comprehensible "suuuuper gay" before nodding off. > RL's a good friend.

carnivalsorphans > Pet Wiz a little longer before going to sleep yourself.

[enuui]

.

[morningpages-louise]

November 01 - Setting intentions for November, looking back at 2018 so far, and Reminders and affirmations of life.

it's fucking november. what the fuck. this month, no this year, it went by so fast. i literally say that every year tho. we all do. why is that? the worst part is, most of us, including me, go by it without being mindful. without appreciating the things happening before us. we just kind of let these moments slide right through us. we forget to be mindful. we forget to take a breath, look around and appreciate. appreciate all that we have. appreciate this moment right here which will never ever be replicated. instead, we thinkin about what's lacking. we think about what could make these moments better. we bring in negativity into an otherwise perfect moment. it's annoying as hell but we all do it, we do it unconsciously. this negativity should not and will not rule over our lives. that's why this November, I VOW TO BE MORE MINDFUL--take deeper breathes. take things slower. not overthink every single fucking situation and just allowing each moment to pass. i really want to spend less time infront of my screen too. engaging in mindless social media which is so damn bad i dont know why im sucked into it so much :( but yeah. i just want to go back to the basics. slow down. appreciate. and cherish these last 2 months that I have left. because i will never have these months left. appreciate and take into grattitude.

i would also really like to just look at this year that went by because it's almost coming to a close. 2 months. you know what i find myself being so busy but I must never forget who i am and who my values are and what i value and why i took up all these opportunities in the first place -- for growth, to develop myself, to step out of my comfort zone and become more of the person who i am bound to be, whoever that is. sometimes i really feel like im being sucked in the system. it's like i forget the reason why i decided to do this work in the first place. and it's so damn important to never lose that. never lose that meaning and that reason and that drive that pushed us to try this new thing out in the first place. so damn important. huhu i feel like im on my flow. i love it when these moments come. work starts to be on autodrive and my mind is clearer, and i feel more motivated to work and all. but yes, it's november 2 now. i started writing this november 1.  I feel like when i started this term, i had a grip on my life. i had so much free time. i had a routine set in motion, but then it felt at times like i was just doing certain things for that tick on my planner, which is one of the reasons i stopped using my green bulletjournal. and i was just setting myself up to do so many things -- listen to the news, meditate, write, yoga, and all that stuff and the reality is, as simple as these tasks may be, i just didn't have the time to do most of the stuff and i wanted to do it out of impulse and not out of force, although i do know that that force is what makes certain tasks habits but you get what i mean. so yeah ive completely gotten rid of that way of living. now, it's just me and a black empty canvas and i kind of just choose how i go about my day. the things i want to do more of are

--> Find more time to Read. god, it's been so hard to slip in a quick 30 minutes or even a goddamn chapter :( i get so anxious man gud. so even if i do find a little hole for me to do what i love doing so much, i get an anxious feeling in the back of my mind which is annoying as hell.

--> Indulge in creative projects. no, not write for the sake of my damn internship and shit but create projects that give me joy. i feel like its so important to find time to do these things because being creative is a sort of portal to your soul. it taps into your consciousness and what interests you, what aspects fascinate you and all that stuff. for me, i'd really love to create more personal videos about important moments in my life. i've only done one video about my birthday but it felt so damn great to be honest. the next one i would like to do would be a video about my unit because that unit i hold so close to my heart man. so many memories. so many moments. so many people whove spent a certain amount of time at one point of their lives. im really obsessed with memories. i love saving them. i love keeping them and organizing them so i can look through them from time to time. yup i guess im floating. that's the song im listening to now. it's awesome. it feels like im stuck in a particular moment. held within time. that kind of stuff. god writing feels so good. it gives me a fucking high. makes me tap into my consciousness and check in on how im feeling. okay anyways getting a bit off track.

--> spend more time appreciating things and being in the moment rather than on social media. cmon guys, it's practically the last 60 days of 2018 and im gonna spend it attached to my goddamn phone? nuh-uh. the time for living should be now. the time for being aware and savoring every little moments and creating memories and cherishing them and just taking moments to feel goddamn alive you know. make this year worth something.

but honestly, it's hard to really look back at this year and see the growth that has transcended over the course of the few months. it's hard to look back because im living in it right now and i don't know. right now, it doesn't really feel like much has changed. it doesn't really feel like ive grown. or ive changed or ive bloomed which was literally this year's motto dba. that's why my peg for the whole year was a sunflower, inspired by tylor the creator's album sunflowers or whatever it was called. i still feel the same. i have felt like im the same person for so long to be honest. it never really feels like ive changed, but i bet i have. i just fail to see it. but honestly in terms of headspace, i can honestly say that i feel like im in a better place. im more at peace with certain aspects of my thoughts. ofcourse, i don't think we can ever really be fully at peace with ourselves, but in some way i feel like ive mended certain parts. i'm not in so much pain anymore. when i started the year, i had just broken up with my boyfriend of almost three years. ofcourse i still think about him every now and then, how can you not honestly especially when you spend so much time with a person like that, and it does still pain me when he chats with me to ask something or when i see him because i get a little hope extinguished in me of us getting back together even though i know in the end, despite everything, that we're better off apart. we're better off not together. because it was getting so bad. there was no fire. there was nothing. i felt like i was just forcing myself at times to like him. i didnt even look forward to seeing him whenever i came back from Manila, and that's not a good sign at all. so yeah, i know the most annoying advice ever is when people say time heals. it's so frustrating because you can't really do anyhing but let time heal you and well, it's true. it sucks but its so true. in time, you will just hurt less. there will be a time when his name comes up and it doesn't hurt so much or your thoughts don't start jumping up into nostalgic memories of the both of you. strangers again. it sucks but its the reality, i guess. i knw we shouldn't be together. we weren't a good match no matter how much nstalgia tells you otherwise. but i really really really hope to become good friends with him atleast. not be so fucking scared whenever im about to see him. not feel like i have to drink a whole fucking liter of beer before i see him. because in all honestly, he was such a good friend. so caring and so kind and he always tried to make a positive situation out of something so negative. his optimism sometimes annoyed the shit out of me especially when we were together because it's not as easy to just say like oh don't think about it like that. life is so much more complicated than that. its' a lot more complex. hay i really miss talking to him. he was such a good person to just let everything out to. i miss that the most. but it's okay. i have this morning thoughts now dba? to let everything out and just dump my thoughts and whats been circulating nonstop in my mind. cge anyways, what else. i feel healed. i feel like my headspace is better. well--i also feel like ive gotten better with regards to my connections. i love how this year, ive added new people to my circle. my favorite part. i love how this year has opened me to meeting more people. it has also let me become closer to my existing relationships. made it stronger and that makes me so happy. probably the most important thing i learned this year was the importance of connections, and that no man is an island. no matter how introverted we may be, we can't survive without having connected with other people. i really just want to have more of those throughout my life--genuine connections. where i can be myself and they can be themselves. and where we actually enjoy each others companies. not lackluster, shallow relationships that never seem to go beyond a certain level you know. i want deep, loving, intimate connections. i wish to find a tribe of people where i feel supported and everything. my life goal. but yeah im happy ive opened myself up to meeting new people. probably the biggest development of this year is well the fact that i now have an internship-say what? and or a company ive been following for quite some time nonetheless, mad travel. this whole year i feel like ive been trying to get a job and now i finally have found the time to do so and it makes me happy :) atleast. i know i am capable of gainig jobs and putting myself out there. i feel more confident applying for my jobs and my resue is looking fine. and although my internship is actually sort of a source of stress and anxiety these days, i shouldnt take it so goddamn seriously because in 2-3 years i will just look back at these moments and it wont even matter. what mattered is i did my best. i shouldnt take my work so seriously gyud. that's why i hate turning down friends or turning down invitations for my fucking work because in the end we all fucking die. in the end whatever titles we may have at the moment wont even fucking matter you know. we all die in the end so just live unapologetically and bear yourself to the world. that's so damn difficult and i feel like we take life so damn seriously. we really need to loosen up and have fun and not overthink every single fucking thing. why are we all so damn anxious? it makes me so angry like goddamn get it together. we have lost the true essence and meaning of our lives. we have forgotten why we are here in the first place. to love. to feel. to experience. to learn and most of all, to enjoy. okay that's my ted talk. goodbye and sayonarra.

[sadgirlx9]

it was the way you looked at me that night. we were at a party and my best friend had left us there. you say, "i already knew she was going to do this". me, always oblivious to what was going on. the night carries on and we have fun with your friends. i start taking shots with a chaser of my OE. every time i looked your way you were already looking at me. i didn't think anything of it but i guess you had other things in mind. i start getting warm and friendlier with your friends, we're actually getting along. i know I've met them before but it had been so long. talking to one of our friends exes and she tries to get the details on his life. i had no idea what was okay to share and what to keep silent. you were always there, close by, making sure i was okay and was having fun. fun. you were always that friend who made sure i was okay and if i wasnt; you made the mission of the night to turn it around. we're all outside on the porch; drinking and smoking, talking. it was nice to feel all these vibes around me. it had been awhile since i genuinely felt this way. it had been awhile having human interaction and people sincerely asking how i am and asking about my life. you exposed me to a group of friends that i longed to have. and you knew this. friends who actually gave a damn if you got home safe after too much drinking or just to make sure you're safe in general. it wasnt until we had to leave when you gave me that look again. we were talking about music we both liked and how crazy in love i am with the 1975 and halsey. so cliché but it made me open up to you. we called an uber and waited inside as a guy tried talking to me on the couch. we were playing mortal kombat and i'd like to believe i could go beast on that game. he didn't even go easy on me, which he got brownie points for. we exchanged social media accounts and you sat yourself in between us striking up conversation. this was you being overprotective. always overprotecting me from guys you knew that had one intention. obviously, i didn't care if they were going to hurt me or use me. i just craved attention. i got the message when we were playing the video game. you grab my hand as you lead the way out of the apartment. it was the way everyone already knew what was going on. again, i was oblivious. i guess i missed something when i agreed to go home with you because even my best friends boyfriend knew what you had in mind. we were waiting by the gate and you gave me that look again. but this time it had a hint of hunger. attention. it scared me because i was too drunk to realize how stupid it would be if we were to do anything once we got back to your place. we stood there staring at each other in silence. then, like you knew what i was thinking you rushed over to me and kissed me. it was like i was asking for it all night, my body pushed into yours. i didnt know what else my mind wanted. i, myself, didnt know how much i wanted to kiss you. it was like i waited for so long. i was so unaware how much i wanted you right then. when the uber finally showed up we climbed into the back as you started conversating with the driver. of course. making friends everywhere you went. you always amazed me with how easy it was for you to start talking to people like you knew them forever. you pulled me into you and i rest my head on your shoulder. i was already in and out by now and i feel you wrap your arm around me and hold me close. i look up at you as you talk to the driver all the way back. you look down at me and smile as you place another kiss on my lips. it was then when that thought crept into my mind. maybe we shouldn't be doing this. the driver asked if we had a nice night and you say, "yeah, but my girl had more than i did". your girl. who was that? the driver replies, "you're doing a good job taking care of her. i dont know how many girls i see partying without their boyfriend only to come home alone." i smile and place my hand on the side of your face and you take my hand. it was then when i realized that maybe we shouldnt do this but you were always there to take care of me. so many occurrences in the past where you were always there. that time i was drunk and fighting with my friend in your driveway. that time i was drunk and my boyfriend left me. that time with your wifes party i got out of hand and you made me sleep on your couch. that very first time we met even. that first night when me and my ex went to a party and met you and we had no way home. you took care of us and made sure we got home. even now, you still message or call me to make sure im okay because you know the demons in my head like to mess with me and make me self destruct. it was a long time coming but when we got back to your place i remember you leading me to your room and let me lay down. "do you want some water?" i heard as you sat next to me on the bed. i was fading in and out. "baby, drink some water so you wont be sick later", i hear you suggest. baby. that was the first. my drunken head lifts as i sit next to you as you pop two tylenol in my mouth and open the water bottle for me to drink. you kiss me once more and we lay down together. i slowly feel myself waking up as you start rambling. it was almost as if you didnt want me to go to sleep, not yet. "did you have fun tonight?" you ask. i nodded as we're lying close to each other. smell combining of alcohol and smoke. "are you okay?" i ask, which caught you by surprise. "yeah" you respond, without a thought. "really?" "what makes you think I'm not?" i look at your eyes, i always knew when you were lying. "the posts," i whisper. "the posts," you say like you didn't know what i was referring to. "the posts," i say a little louder, "of your wife and how you want to hurt yourself because then it would be physical and not emotional." "let's not," you close up on me and try to distract me with kisses all over my face. as much as i wanted to i was really concerned for your well-being. we start play fighting but you end up lying on me as i hold you close. "seriously though," i try again, "i worry about you. i want to know every day, minute that you're not going to do something stupid." you hide your face from me and fall silent. "i know she hurt you. but it isnt an excuse to give up and be self distructive. there is a lot of people around you who really care. you have the option to realize that now or when its too late. im just trying to help. trying to offer my help." silence. "she was stupid," i start again, this time you look at me. "shes stupid because she lost someone who wouldve done anything for her. someone who wouldve kept her happy and made sure she was loved no matter what. shes stupid for leaving someone who loved her so much." you were the first to break the gaze because you knew i was right. as you held onto me you didnt really have much to say. "really transparent is it?" i nodd and look up at the ceiling because i knew no matter how hard you wanted to. you wouldnt let yourself fall as hard as you did for me as you did for her. that was the first night we spent together and actually had a conversation that didnt involve awkward pauses but something deep because as much as i didn't want you to. for a brief moment, i was hoping you'd try to at least fix your marriage because when we looked at each other. i just knew thats what you really wanted; and i was that friend that helped you try different ways to get her back. it wasnt apparent at the time. but when we kept coming home together only to fill the emptiness we both felt with each other, i realized that i was falling for you. it wasnt clear at the time but it hit me because i remember at one point in time. i fucking hated you. i dont know why, so dont ask. its not because i don't want to tell you. it's because i really dont know. but we talked and both knew its because youre an asshole. especially when we first met. especially when you're drunk. so thats why I'm not getting attached. i know that's what you want. i know because when we spend time together you never stop locking eyes when we're in bed. the eye contact. i never had that before. and i believe you helped me in a way. i became more confident and finding myself with you. i never had someone encourage me to do the things you had me do. you made me discover so much of myself and i thank you but it still doesnt fix the fact that youre making it so goddamn hard to not fall for you. theres so many reasons. you take good care of me. in all the ways humanly possible. you were there to talk to when i got sexually abused by a friend that i honestly trusted. you called and messaged me everyday asking me, begging me not to shut you out or to do anything stupid. you suggested me to come over and spend time with you when all i wanted to do was cry and take tons of showers because i never felt clean. the more i think of reasons not to let myself fall it gets difficult because youve helped me in so many ways. i came to the point where i hope we never stop talking because youre my safe haven. you let me be my crazy self; and vice versa. i know i can never measure up to the girl who broke your heart but i want to at least make you feel the love i know you deserve. you deserve so much and i just want to make sure you never go to sleep thinking youre unwanted. its cheesy as fuck but thats how i feel.

[voidwizerd-archive]

[[ (not yet) moirail to the rescue phew!! ]]

vvestigialvvoltage wwiz did somethin happen i aint gotten much through my dash yet but somethin feels off

vvestigialvvoltage wwiz ?

wiz-texts ....sorry

vvestigialvvoltage are you okay wwhat happened

wiz-texts i dont think talkin to me is a good idea right now. i jus did somethin awful n i have no idea why

vvestigialvvoltage wwiz please tell me wwhats goin on

wiz-texts i wish i could blame th anons for everythin but... all they did was present th option. im th one who took it

vvestigialvvoltage wwiz can you come here

wiz-texts they said they could take th scars away. forever. but th price would be forgettin Kankri .... i dont remember Kankri someone else had to tell me who he was

vvestigialvvoltage wwiz please come here

wiz-texts what good would that do

vvestigialvvoltage it wwould make me feel better please

wiz-texts im sorry im sorry now im hurtin you too

vvestigialvvoltage im not hurt im wworried

wiz-texts im hurtin everyone i hurt SUGARY n i dont even know her!!!

vvestigialvvoltage an you shouldnt be alone like this an i cant come to you

wiz-texts i should be alone. i already fuckin did that to myself

wiz-texts th others say its gonna get better n i know they wouldnt lie but *how*

vvestigialvvoltage wwiz

wiz-texts everythins gone i keep goin through all my tags n th messages n i cant remember its gone all of it is gone its never comin back

vvestigialvvoltage WWIZ

wiz-texts what!!

vvestigialvvoltage just come here

wiz-texts no

vvestigialvvoltage i cant help you through the connection

wiz-texts no one can help with this i dont think

vvestigialvvoltage an i think i havve somethin for you but i cant open it

vvestigialvvoltage i dont knoww wwhat it is but it says its for you wwhen i try i dont knoww wwhere its from an its scarin me a little

wiz-texts .... its your chip though i dont understand how someone else could get a file onto it without you noticin

vvestigialvvoltage i dont either thats wwhy its scarin me

wiz-texts i dont.... i dont wanna leave this room im sorry i cant

wiz-texts but fuck im sorry im bein a goddamn coward

vvestigialvvoltage its okay im just im really wworried

wiz-texts i know i know im sorry im bein a shit friend

vvestigialvvoltage its okay wwiz

wiz-texts no it isnt no it fuckin isnt .....n i still aint moved an inch. fuck this. fuck thisssss

vvestigialvvoltage wwiz just can you find somethin to focus on

vvestigialvvoltage um try makin somethin maybe somethin complex

wiz-texts cant think dont want to

vvestigialvvoltage okay then make somethin that feels nice instead

wiz-texts what if it blows up that happened once

vvestigialvvoltage reall ?

vvestigialvvoltage wwhat happened

wiz-texts yea i tried to make somethin that could guide me home u remember how my arms look ...looked well it was from that

vvestigialvvoltage okay wwell maybe that wwas just not specific enough ?

wiz-texts i dont fuckin now there aint exactly nothin to b specific with???????? transportalizers dont go there that was th first thing i tried

wiz-texts i dont wanna talk bout that its makin things worse

wiz-texts i wanna be alone i should be alone just leave me alone ......

vvestigialvvoltage im sorry

vvestigialvvoltage > The next thing you know, you're in Wiz's room, slightly dizzy and still shivering from the voodoos that moved you here.

wiz-texts > All the furniture in your room has been shoved to block off the windows and door.

> You don't notice any arrival. You're huddled in the very back corner of the closet, past the mirror, buried under blankets and curled in as tight as you can. You've long since cried yourself out and now feel sick and numb.

vvestigialvvoltage "....Wwiz...?"

> You don't see them, and that worries you more. He said you'd go right to them....

wiz-texts "Go 'way," you mumble in response. You figure it's someone calling from the outside. You're not letting them in. You're not letting anyone in. You deserve to be alone.

vvestigialvvoltage > You figure out the voice is coming from the closet, and head there.

"Wwiz, it's Vvoss..."

wiz-texts > You don't respond, shuffling to try hiding yourself more. The blanket pile shuffles with you.

vvestigialvvoltage > You peer in,  pushing things out of the way.

"I'm already here an I ain't leavvin, so you might as wwell showw yourself... you don't gotta talk or anythin... "

wiz-texts > You keep trying to shrink back even though you're already against the wall. You keep your eyes shut. You wonder how he's even here, and figure Lilac probably has a hand. Why, you don't know. But here he is.

> You just want to be left alone.

"...I ain't comin out."

vvestigialvvoltage > You finally spot the moving blanket pile, and make your way over.

"Okay. Then I'm comin in. "

> And you do so.

wiz-texts > You whimper in protest as blankets are moved away and hug your knees tight, holding your head and keeping your eyes shut.

> He shouldn't be here. What if he got in trouble??? He shouldn't *be here.*

vvestigialvvoltage > You pull the blankets back over you both afterwards.  There's something calming about having them there. Once that's settled, you squirm around to find a comfortable position to wrap your arms around them.

wiz-texts "You shouldn't be here."

> It's mumbled as you stubbornly refuse to relax into his contact, and you catch yourself stupidly wishing for the older Vvoss you got to meet a little while ago. You miss the moirail you don't have yet. Ridiculous.

"Vvoss, you could-- you could get in *trouble.*"

vvestigialvvoltage "I don't care. "

wiz-texts "You should."

vvestigialvvoltage "Nah. "

> You settle yourself comfortably with your arms around them, resting your forehead against their shoulder from behind. Cling fish!

wiz-texts > You don't say anything or move for a long, long time. But eventually you unfold, and move to hug him back. Your fingers fidget with folds of blankets, forehead bumping with his as you actually open your eyes again. It's just to stare down at the floor, but still. It's something.

"...Thanks."

vvestigialvvoltage > You smile when they start to uncurl, and shift positions as appropriate to make sure you both are comfortable.

"I'd say you're wwelcome, an you are, but really you don't gotta thank me. You'd'a done the same for me."

wiz-texts > That earns a very faint laugh.

"Yeah I would've. ...How long can you stay?"

vvestigialvvoltage "As long as you need."

> The laugh makes your spirits lift a little.

wiz-texts "Careful with things like that, Vvoss, you might never come back."

> The joke sounds weak and your voice is barely there but hell, it's an attempt.

vvestigialvvoltage "An I'm sure Y wwould havve somethin to say about /that/!"

> You respond to the spirit of the joke rather than the words.

wiz-texts > You give a quiet laugh to that, absently leaving a kiss on his forehead before wrapping yourself around him in a hug. You don't exactly feel better; in fact it's hard to tell what you're feeling at all. But you don't feel like everything is on fire, at least.

"Thank you for coming."

vvestigialvvoltage > Something buzzes in your skull. Your pan aches, and you aren't sure why. Everything seems normal...?

> You push it aside and wrap yourself around Wiz back, nuzzling into their shoulder.

"Like I said before, you don't gotta thank me, but you're wwelcome."

wiz-texts > One of your hands pets through his hair. It's cool and soft and you like how it feels. How he feels. You still don't feel okay, and you have no idea how to even begin making up for what you did to Kankri, but... this is a start. Breathing again is a start.

> You're so grateful he came. You think this might be the first time Vvoss has stuck with you even when you've tried distancing yourself. Lilac does that, yes, but... Vvoss hasn't, before. He's never answered no with no.

> You're so proud he did. And so damn grateful.

vvestigialvvoltage > You purr, softly, at the hair petting. That feels nice. You're glad they're feeling at least a little better.

> Your head isn't filled with much in the way of thoughts right now - thinking was making it hurt more, and you don't want to deal with that.