#im gonna see my therapist tomorrow so ill talk to her then about it & what she thinks.

[bubsub69]

Entry 35

6/12/2023 00:15 Why the hell did i think it would be different. why would we go back to talking regularly after she ghosts me for almost 2 weeks i wish i could just move on, but i neither want to nor can find someone else, i browsed through fetlife and stuff and tried messaging some poeple yesterday but no luck there either… one of the scammers from telegram posted a story about needing a 'favor' and theyll dominate for free… the favor is most likely asking to borrow an account for posting on reddit because of karma requirements because shes posted another story asking that… asking about the favor seems really tempting for some reason, i dont know why im interested in someone that charges and is dishonest, probably because of despair, you know i dont even know why im being anonymous about her its @goddessclaire8 if someone shares this telegram accoung a) she charges and b) is dishonest. you know what fuck it im just gonna ask her to see if thats what she wants.

tomorrow im gonna have test, which means i should stop writing and maybe go over some stuff, but who has the mental capacity for that amirite… im really getting sick of some stuff at college, too many teacher just expecting you to know not explained stuff, but everyone somehow already knows it, maybe theyre not lazy fucks and actually look up relevant stuff and you know learn outside the classroom which i dont really do.

ive been talking to some people online but i still feel really lonely, i dont know if i just want deeper connection or just physical touch, i dont know wtf i want anymore…

dad kind of demanded i go to a therapist but i refused… honestly i dont even know why i did it, maybe a bit of a mix between thinking they wont be useful and they'll share stuff with my parents which means i wont be able to completely open up, tbh i dont want to completely open up to them either, not gonna share that im desperate sub and that im touch starved and stuff, i guess i could keep it to myself and its not like id impact the effectiveness of therapy but who cares stubborn brain wont let me get help, all i need is touch and gf and im fixed, classic solution.

also the discord thing didnt really work out, havent talked there, cant do it. also kinda sucks that most people dont really talk back, its hard to be the one that always starts talking, and ive only kept contact with 2-3 people, some didnt even reply to my heys anymore so i guess i was just too boring as usual. damn just remembered theres someone that would always start and we havent talked in a bit should text him tomorrow. And i guess i should just go to sleep, not being eepy is proabbly gonna do more good than looking at some stuff in a hurry.

maybe J will text me on sunday again… that seems to be the day shes usually free… maybe ill get that video call… i also had to wait a fair bit to talk with D so… i just have to be patient… again… like ive been… for a month………. itll be worth it in the end………………………… i hope

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3374

i woke up today at like 10:26 feeling great! catalogued how i felt and immediately fell back asleep.

woke up around 11:something to a phone call, which was from my therapist, so i woke up for that. talked to her about the con plague i'm suffering from as well as a friend i need to set boundaries with. she helped me think about the situation and equipped me with knowledge i did not previously have so i can do a better job when i need to reinforce those boundaries i once set a while ago. but so far, im okay.

unfortunately, when i got up out of bed i did not feel as good as i thought i did. but i did shower today, which was beneficial. helps to be clean.

i gotta wash some laundry tomorrow. my comfy stuff is dirty.

anyway, i had soup for lunch and came back upstairs and napped for a while. i've been trying to tell my mom to stop doing things and to actually rest, because she's sick, but she hasn't been listening to me a lot and is doing stuff anyway. so i think today she finally caved. she was supposed to go to the dentist thursday. she called and told them, and they rescheduled for her. she napped today. she's the type of person to power through an illness and by doing so makes it last six times longer than it should. so i'm trying to get her to stay down for more than a day or two because getting better is not something you can simply will your body to do when you have an autoimmune deficiency. lady's got lupus for god's sake. just stop, ma. stop. go back to bed. sleep. she doesn't sleep well, either, so that sucks too.

the good news is that i see what she's doing even though nobody else does. and i know what she needs to be doing because i'm 31 years old and basically have her immune system, plus i've been around her for three decades. so like, mom. you gotta stop running yourself into the ground. you'll get sickER, and then you'll STAY sick. which is the last thing you want. she hates being sick but she gets sick and stays sick for a long time because of her habits.

but i'm pushy with her when she gets sick. "go back to bed. now." "call the dentist and reschedule. they're not gonna wanna see you if you're sick." "get someone else to take her. you're SICK." constantly reminding her that she is, in fact, sick is something that she needs because she says shit like "i'll be better tomorrow morning," or "i'll be better in two days."

yes manifesting is one thing and the power of will of a human is another thing, but healing from illnesses is something entirely different. dad gave you a blessing? okay, so are you gonna help yourself by going to the doctor, or are you gonna rely on sky daddy to fix it?

so that's what i've been dealing with on top of trying to feel better.

my sister is also sick. but mom got sick before i came home, so i didn't give con plague to her. i probably gave it to my sister, though, even though she avoided me. her symptoms sound like mine. but i have health insurance. it's too risky in this country to not have health insurance. i hate this place. i'm gonna fuckin file for medicaid for the two of them. they need insurance. if something happens to james, then what, huh?? goddamn.

i may be reckless and a dumbass, but i have the sense to have health insurance to help me take care of the consequences of my dumbassery.

sigh. didn't really mean for this to turn into a rant about health.

but seriously, guys. whoever is reading this, make sure you've got health insurance and that you take steps to help yourself. if you live in the US, it's FAR too dangerous to live without insurance. medicaid is low-cost or doesn't cost you a dime. you can get doctors appointments, dentistry, glasses, specialists, physical therapy, and mental health therapy, along with medications to help you if something ever does happen. local state governments have their own applications, but if you search on the page for the department of health and human services (DHHS), you should be able to find links and stuff to access it.

if you don't qualify for medicaid because you make too much, the healthcare marketplace will often give discounts so insurance is only $10 a month or something. it really depends. i have to fix my application tomorrow because my medicaid ended today. having both was a good cover just in case it got ended because of my new job, but now that it's just the one, i gotta change it and hopefully they'll change my monthly premium.

anyway.

get health insurance!!

for those who live in single-payer systems, what is your favorite part about it? besides the fact that you don't have to ridiculous bullshit of american insurance lmao

also yeah, i still feel shitty. not as shitty as before, but still not great. my head is still fuzzy and thinking is hard. which isn't fun. but i'll be taking mucinex sinus day stuff with me so i can take it and function at work when i go in on wednesday. i can't afford to not go in. womp womp.

anyway. i didn't get to talk to joel today, but that's mostly because i was completely out of it for like 80% of the day.

and my hair is weird so i need to get it fixed but i don't want to cut it because i want to grow it out again, but i hate leaving it this awkward length. bleh.

i could use a thousand-dollar trip to the mall or barnes and noble. or both. they're right across the street from each other anyway.

[tinylittlebab]

i wanna die. i should die. i hate existing this feels horrible.

i know that i dont wanna die but god. i hate being alive. i felt ok a month ago. i dont know whats wrong with me :(

im so tired and i feel like im gonna vomit. it would probably actually be good if i did though bc i ate too much food today. i wish i could purge but i literally cant make myself throw up. my body just wont do it. weirdly i do actually throw up so easy from anxiety and stuff. i throw up way more often that anyone around me bc my stomach handles anxious very poorly. ugh. i guess its probably good i dont purge though bc my teeth are already in poor shape anyway.

i need to finish cleaning my room. how did i let it get this bad? im so tired i could pass out right now. i dont wanna carry stuff down the stairs so many times. i feel like crying but my stupid body refuses to let me. i cant feel emotions properly. it feels horrible. i think ill cut and maybe then ill feel better and can finish cleaning my room. maybe ill take the blades out of my other pencil sharpener. i need that for my pencils but i can always put them back in.

:( i dont know how to fix this. i wont even get to talk to my therapist about feeling terrible next time i see her bc i have a diagnostic assessment next appointment. i hate this.

i need to clean the house with my sister tomorrow. we r supposed to get high tomorrow too so maybe that will help me feel better but idk. i havent done that before so idk how itll affect me. hmm. idk

idk. i know i dont wanna die but i kinda just wanna attempt again. but id feel bad putting that on my sister. but idk. i know i dont wanna die. i really just do right now though

maybe when my other sister moves ill feel better because shes making everything so much more stressful and wont ever be quiet and i dont have time to myself anymore. unfortunately she might not be moving for awhile longer unless they can find the time to drive her. she is so annoying

[jolynesapphic]

my ex friend’s mum is coming to our house tomorrow bc caity wants 2 buy some clothes from her and im feeling jus a little bit awkward!!!!

[aaronhart93]

text || aarotin

Discord text thread featuring: Aaron & @quentindelancret

When: January 22nd, early morning into early evening

Mentions: @romanbeckett @davieslandon

Description: Aaron and Quentin fight about Quentin’s drug addiction 

Trigger Warnings: addiction mentions, arguing

Quentin.

you okay baby?

I haven’t heard from you and I just wanted to check in. I love you

Aaron.

I love you too and miss you

Des has just been cranky all night.

Quentin.

oh man, I’m sorry baby. Is there anything I can do to help? I know it’s late but I can bring breakfast in the morning or anything you need

Aaron.

I think she's sick

i have to play the morning by ear. Depends on how she wakes up

Quentin.

okay baby. I hope she’s not sick though. Just let me know and I’ll help out any way that I can

Aaron.

thank you baby. I miss you

Quentin.

I miss you toooo

Aaron.

miss you more

Quentin.

Impossible. I’ve been thinking about you all day. I miss your scent

Aaron.

you have my hoodies. put one on babe

are you at home?

Quentin.

I already did

I am home. I’m supposed to go snuggle Romie but Delilah brought over drugs and now I’m too hyper for life lol

Aaron.

oooo yeah i was gonna ask you to go check on him...but it's okay

Quentin.

I will. I’m just trying to chill out for a minute. He’s gonna leave a key for me

Aaron.

I mean if you’re high...maybe just stay home

Quentin.

uhmm okay

Aaron.

i just dont want you leaving the house so late

Quentin.

I know

I’m sorry

Aaron.

i just....if you knew you were going to go over to his place to take care of him...why would you get high

Quentin.

I didn’t know exactly. He said he was gonna sleep but then he couldn’t, and Delilah was upset and I told her she could come over and talk. Then she had coke and I just... I’m sorry

please don’t be mad at me

Aaron.

im not mad im just

idk

feel some type of way about it

Quentin.

about the coke?

Aaron.

not necessarily. the fact that our partner is sick....you knew i had des tonight so couldn't go over there...i guess i just figured you'd be a little more responsible

it's okay...i dont want you to be worrying about these things anyway

ill take care of both of you.

Quentin.

I can be responsible Aaron. I thought he was gonna sleep. I’m still gonna go over there and take care of him. You both come before anything else for me and I’m sorry I misstepped. But I’m not gonna just leave him hanging.

Aaron.

even if he fell asleep and woke up and needed something...seriously though. i want you to have fun and live your life, im sorry i brought it up

Quentin.

Aaron.. stop it. What is going on with you? I’m fine. I can go over there right now. But you seem... on edge. Are you okay?

I wanna have fun and live my life with you and Roman. I fucked up okay? But I feel like there is something else nothing you

Aaron.

i fought with Landon the other day

Des might be sick

work sucked today and im stressed about Ro

im sorry

Quentin.

baby, I’m sorry. I know the whole Landon situation sucks. I wish I could fix it for you. I know I made things shittier before but I don’t wanna do that. I wanna be here for you. I can come see you after I check on Roman? Help you with Des and give you a massage. I’m worried about you

I’m coming. I won’t take no for an answer. I’m gonna give you a massage and get you in bed. Then I’ll go see Romie. I wanna be there for you both

Aaron.

Quentin, I love you. and thank you....I don't know how to tell you this but...I don't want you around Des if you've been using tonight.

Quentin.

Aaron.

Fine, I’m not gonna argue with you. See you tomorrow then?

Aaron.

yeah

Quentin.

okay

I’m sorry

Aaron.

im not mad

Quentin.

It’s okay. I understand.

I love you

Aaron.

dont be upset

Quentin.

of course I’m upset. I want to be there for you and I can’t

Aaron.

im okay, Q.

Quentin.

that’s not the point

I’m sorry I fucked up. I know you don’t want an addict around Des and that’s my fault

Aaron.

you're sick, i can help you

Quentin.

I’m sick?

Aaron.

addiction...its a diseae

disease

Quentin.

wow, Aaron.

yeah, I don’t wanna talk about this right now

Aaron.

you...brought it up...

Quentin.

yeah, I know. I guess I just didn’t really think you would agree with me

Aaron.

that i dont want someone on drugs around Des? Quentin...

you are making this into something it isnt

Quentin.

no, that you think I’m sick and need help.

I understand you not wanting me around Des. But it’s not like I’d ever hurt her

Aaron.

i know you would never and I'd never keep her from you

just sober up...and we'll talk in the morning i guess

Quentin.

I don’t even know what to say

I’m just sorry I’ve been such a burden.

yeah, we will talk tomorrow

Aaron.

back up

you're not a burden

Quentin, stop making things up in your head

Quentin.

I feel like I have been.

I don’t wanna add any more stress for you

Aaron.

Quentin, listen to me.

i cannot live without you.

Okay?

Quentin.

okay.

I’m just sorry

Aaron.

dont be. im sorry i was harsh

Quentin.

it’s fine.

I love you

Aaron.

i love you too. bring me breakfast in the morning??

Quentin.

of course. Let me know if you need any cough medicine or anything when Des gets up

Aaron.

thank you, my love

goodnight

Quentin.

anytime. Goodnight baby

early evening...

Quentin.

I’m sorry about last night

I’m trying to do better

Aaron.

it was my fault. Don’t worry about it

Quentin.

it wasn’t your fault. You told me how it is and I’ll fix it

Aaron.

okay

Quentin.

good talk

Aaron.

well do you wanna keep talking about it

Quentin.

Nope, I really don’t.

Aaron.

I don’t know what else to say because I don’t either

Quentin.

I’ll just leave you alone

Aaron.

or like we could talk about literally anything else

I missed you today, okay?

Quentin.

yeah, I missed you too

Aaron.

like a lot

I pulled Des from school and had a day with her

it was nice

Quentin.

that sounds fun

Aaron.

it was

Quentin.

I’ll let you get back to it then

Aaron.

oh okay

I love you

Quentin.

you too

Aaron.

Quentin

I’m sorry okay?

Quentin.

it’s fine. I’m really just moody today.

I’m trying to stay away from the happy pills ya know?

Aaron.

I don’t want you to do something that you’re not ready for. If you aren’t ready to stay off of them, then it’s okay

Quentin.

the thing is Aaron, I’m never gonna be ready. I take molly literally every day. Most times people can’t even tell it’s that bad.  But I know it bothers you and Roman and I’m done

Aaron.

that’s brave

and makes me happy. That’s one of the reasons i know you love me

Quentin.

of course I love you

Aaron.

I know

Quentin.

I’m just so sick of disappointing you

Aaron.

I’m not going anywhere okay?

Quentin.

yeah

Aaron.

I’m serious

Quentin.

okay

Aaron.

are you mad at me

Quentin.

no I’m not mad. I just don’t feel like we’re as close as we used to be

Aaron.

because of an argument?

Quentin.

No not because of an argument Aaron

because you just seem distant all the time

Aaron.

I...

im sorry. It’s not on purpose

Quentin.

it’s fine

Aaron.

how can I be better

Quentin.

I’m just gonna take a few days to myself

Aaron.

oh okay

Quentin.

I don’t want to make anything worse by staying here

I get so all over the place with my emotions and without drugs I’m scared of what I might say or do

Aaron.

maybe tell your doctor? For medicine?

Quentin.

I don’t have a doctor

and I don’t want one honestly

they just make me relive shit I don’t want to and that isn’t gonna help anything

Aaron.

I can get you into a primary care doctor with no issue

not a therapist. Just a regular doctor

Quentin. What have I done wrong? It’s obviously something

Quentin.

you didn’t do anything. It’s just me.

Aaron.

tell me how I can help

Quentin.

my expectations and my delusions of how I thought things would be. It’s fine, I’ll handle it, I’ll make it better

Aaron.

how did you think things would be?

Quentin.

different

Aaron.

well what can we do better baby

I will do anything for you

Quentin.

it’s not you. I’m pretty sure it’s all me

ya know.. how I get in my head and shit

Aaron.

what can I do for you when you get in your head

to help

Quentin.

I don’t know. You can’t fix me. It doesn’t work like that

I’m just, I’m tired.

Aaron.

well now I’m scared

Quentin.

of what?

don’t be scared Aaron. I love you. I just, I can’t see you right now. But soon.. okay?

two days. That’s it.

Aaron.

where are you going

why can’t you see me

Quentin.

I’m just gonna go see my brother I think. Maybe fix things with him.

I can’t see you because I know if I do I’ll change my mind about taking some time away

but it’s okay, I wanna see you. Come see me

Aaron.

alright I’m coming

Quentin.

good. I love you

Aaron.

I love you so fucking much

Quentin.

the feeling is very mutual baby

I promise it’s gonna be okay. Alright? I just need to get my head right

Aaron.

okay

Quentin.

and it’s not your fault.

Aaron.

Idk

Quentin.

its me, I swear it’s me. That sounds cliche but it really is. I’m gonna fix it

I mean, honestly. All I can think about right now is how I wanna jump on you when I see you and never let go. But I need to stop being so closed off. I know that just makes you closed off and then I blame you. But it’s not you. You just .. you have this effect on me that really scares the shit out of me

Aaron.

is that effect a bad thing?

Quentin.

uhmmm

I don’t know. Is it?

Aaron.

I don’t know. Is it a good scare or bad scare

Quentin.

both

Aaron.

how do I scare you?

Quentin.

It’s like... you’re so out of my league and I don’t wanna do or say anything to make you leave. I’m like, I’m a lot, and I know I can be. It just scares me that makes I’m too much sometimes

Aaron.

I am not out of your league.

you are 1 of 2 of the hottest men in Kingsboro and I have both of them lol

Quentin.

you are totally out of my league. You’re like, God, I can’t even put you into words. Then there’s me. Partying, acting crazy, doing stupid shit. Idk. It’s like I’m an embarrassment next to you. But I mean, if I’m that hot I must not be so bad lol

you’re also like.. so hot! I can’t breathe lol

[anarcho-smarmyism]

God i fucking feel the whole psychiatrists are shit / fuck the medical system vibe. My shrink ignored and downplayed my complaints about antidepressants and kept increasing the dose until i went full on manic state mode. Now i dont trust anyone and im still suffering lmfao

yeah you would not BELIEVE the shit i had to do to get doctors in Texas to take me seriously about any mental disorder that wasn’t either bipolar, anxiety, or depression. people really think that it’s just as simple as “getting up and going to the doctor!!!” but in reality it’s more like: 

(this got WAY long so it’s under a cut lmao) (trigger warning for basically everything you can imagine btw)

fucking read up on the DSM, try to figure out which symptoms you have, go on goddamn tumblr and sort through the tags of various MIs until you find someone who seems like they’re not full of shit (professionally diagnosed or otherwise). try to have conversations with these people about these conditions, and what it’s like to live with them meanwhile a bunch of irrelevant assholes are hounding you trying to “prove” you’re lying for attention or something. go look through forums of people with the Edgy mental illness you think you might have, watch how they talk, try to figure out if that’s what you do, or if maybe you’re just over analyzing, or paranoid, or something.

THEN you gotta make calls and calls and calls trying to get seen by a real doctor in the first goddamn place. the only ones that take medicaid are shitty and obviously mostly aimed at “rehabilitating” addicts, but you take what you can get. meet the doctor and be polite and try to, like, surreptitiously feel out whether you can be honest, or need to heavily edit what you tell them so you don’t end up fucking institutionalized. pretend you’re too stupid to use Google and you’ve never heard of the DSM, try to describe the symptoms you have as honestly as you can without letting on that you’ve done any of your own research. have the motherfucker blow you off and say you can’t possibly have what you think you have because you’re “too nice” or “too self-aware” or because you’re in any way interested in self-improvement that you can’t POSSIBLY have a personality disorder. finally convince him that it’s possible you MIGHT have a cluster B personality disorder, but he won’t diagnose it because of ~the stigma~. get prescribed whatever standard mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety he feels like giving you.

go to see a therapist. the therapist ALSO does not believe you when you say you may be dealing with something worse than “depression and anxiety”. when you talk about why you think you have the thing, she asks a million weird, invasive questions that sound like she thinks you live in a fucking Lifetime movie. she OBVIOUSLY doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but she’s a ~professional~ and you’re not, so you just try your best to get whatever out of it you can. you get very, very little out of it, because she’s trying to treat “depression and anxiety”, and that’s not what you have, and she is not qualified to treat what you have, and you both know it, but you’re poor and can’t afford a doctor who’s qualified. all the doctors keep telling you about the godawful stigma and telling you how you want to “avoid the label”. you try to explain that you don’t give a fuck about the label or the diagnosis, you just want the treatment. they obviously don’t believe you, and obviously think you can’t tell that they don’t believe you.

so you think, fuck it. i’ll do it myself. i’ll talk to people online who have the Edgy mental illness i think i have, i’ll ask for their advice. and they actually have good, practical, helpful advice! they share worksheets and stories and tell you ways to cope. and it’s hard and it sucks at first, but you practice and it gets easier. but if you ever try to talk to people irl about that? you’re full of shit. you’re making it up, you’re too crazy or stupid or young, too female and too poor, to know what you’re talking about. “you gotta go talk to the PROFESSIONALS”, people insist. “you gotta get a DOCTOR to tell you what’s going on.” try all day to convince any of them that the doctors are sometimes full of shit. it won’t work. it will NEVER work. you are too easy to dismiss and Professional Authorities are too easy to believe.

and the people who don’t tell you to have blind faith in The Professional Doctor Authority? they tell you that “it’s all in your head”. they tell you, if you would just Buck Up and Try Harder, the shit would go away. they say everyone gets sad sometimes and if you try to explain you didn’t just “get sad”, they roll their eyes and say you’re dramatic. exaggerating. it’s just How Your Generation Is. entitled and spoiled. oh what, you’ve been dirt poor for the last decade? you actually DIDN’T always have laptops and iphones and wifi and all that shit? oh whatever, that’s a fluke, doesn’t really count, you’re STILL entitled because of your “””generation””””

one day, after you’ve been having panic attacks nigh on constantly and deliriously telling yourself that you’re just imagining it, you’re just MAKING IT UP, eventually realize there’s no way you’re making this up. that you don’t know what you’ll do if you don’t get help soon. someone tells you, if you’re thinking about killing yourself, just call the hotline! they’ll help you! you’re suspicious, but what you’ve been doing isn’t working. so you give it a shot. you call them and tell them what you’re going through. they tell you to go to the ER. you go to the ER, they ask you questions, reassure you that you really do need to be here, then have some fuckin’ cop tell you, very slowly and softly, that he’s gonna walk you across a parking lot to a building where they’re gonna help you. for some reason he jokes about how ugly the walls on the inside are. you do not give a SINGLE fuck about how the walls look, but you’re “a girl” and you’re in texas, so you act like it’s funny. he’s annoying you, but he’s also obviously trying to help. you shouldn’t blame him for not knowing how. he’s a cop, not a doctor.

when you get to the building, you talk to a woman who asks you what’s going on. you tell her the truth, she tells you it’s okay if you need to pace around, then she tells you that you should never go through the ER because that’s a $1000 bill. you’ve never even seen a thousand dollars in cash before. what the fuck? she tells you you’re gonna stay for probably about 3 days, and then they tell you to sit on a bench, in a room by yourself, nothing to occupy yourself with but a fucking TV blaring news about the weather, apparently there’s a big storm somewhere and people are scared. you are hysterically crying and panicking and they leave you there for HOURS. you think maybe you’re in purgatory. you hear doctors in the next room laughing, talking cordially. your mind is devouring itself as you sit there shaking and trying to hold it together through faith and tenacity alone, and this is just another day at work for them.

before they’ll let you in, they strip search you. they count your scars and comment, almost laughing, to one another about how many there are, how neat they are. where you hid them. you try to make conversation and they ignore you. you are not a person, you are a patient. you want to scream at them but you know that will only make things worse, so you grit your teeth and stare into space and try not to react to anything at all. finally they believe you aren’t hiding anything and they walk you into the room with the other “general” patients. the woman says something about how “some of them are quiet and some of them are loud”. she smiles at you and you want to tear her fucking face off but you know she just doesn’t know what to say. there’s nothing to say. so you just nod and go talk to some of the other patients. they’re pretty cool, pretty nice. they try to hug you but they get yelled at for it. touching isn’t allowed.

you dont even realize for a couple hours that you’re still wearing the thin blue hospital clothes they gave you after they strip searched you. you have to go ask one of the nurses to give you your clothes and let you into a room to change. you put on your clothes, feeling slightly more human, but you still have to wear those goddamn socks instead of shoes, because your shoes are too beat up and shitty to wear without the laces. you zone out for a while and at some point, realize that while you were hysterically sobbing and packing some clothes and notebooks and books to take with you (most of which they would confiscate, telling you to go read some boring magazines about babies and dating and flowers and shit), you without realizing it, grabbed your Harley Quinn t shirt. the one where she’s looking at the camera, smirking as two cops are, apparently, about to drag her away for questioning. for some reason this is the funniest thing that has EVER happened to you. you start laughing and you can’t stop, and everyone looks at you like you’re crazy -the patients look concerned, the nurses look smug and knowing.

you eventually get it together. you remember you can’t sleep without the mood stabilizers you’ve been prescribed. you tell the nurses that, tell them you brought the pills with you, should be with your things. they politely blow you off with what is clearly a canned response, saying you’ll be able to talk to a doctor tomorrow. they ask you what your dose was, you say you don’t remember but you think it was 200mg, you tell them your doctors’ name so they can check. they nod understandingly and you think they’re gonna check. (you will later find out that they just took your word for it, and you were WAY off; you were only on 50mg. they gave you 200mg anyway. you later find out how fucking lucky you were that quadrupling your dose didn’t ACTUALLY fucking kill you.) when you eventually give up on sleeping at 4am and drag yourself up to pour some of the shitty hospital coffee they’re serving, the nurses ask you how you slept and act surprised when you say that you didn’t. “oh, you poor thing.” then they ask when’s the last time you ate and when’s the last time you took a shit and blah, blah, blah. you don’t remember most of it.

when you try to talk to any of the nurses about trying to actually TALK to someone about what you’re dealing with, they tell you they “don’t do that here”. they tell you that’s the “outpatient program”. they make you go to group where they hand out these cute little pamphlets with cute little cartoon stereotypes of people in abusive homes, make you all go around and say which one you are. the nurses think you don’t notice them smirking at you, but you do. during group one day, they talk about a man who lost his wife of 50 years and who was smiling and whistling the next day, because when asked if the cup is half empty or half full, he replies "it's a beautiful cup". the girl about your age who came here after a bender for help with her drinking problem thinks that is so profound that when she gets out of here, she goes and gets a tattoo of a cup with that quote. later, you will admire her tattoo and be happy that the story helped her. on the other hand, they also say things like that "every situation can be good". they use the example of the big storms that are currently happening, somewhere in the world: the storm is bad, but look at how people are helping each other! it's a good thing, after all! the other patients smile. you don't; you say, but a lot of people still died. a lot of people still lost their homes. that's bad. it doesn't matter if some people also helped. the nurses glance at each other nervously and double down: no, you have to "find the good" in the situation. they smile at you and tell you patronizingly how very, very smart you are. you know that's not a compliment, and you also know that THEY don't know that it isn't a compliment. you decide to just keep your mouth shut; the other patients seem to be comforted by this crap. who are you to tell them they're wrong? you shut up.

every night, one of the nurses announces that she is a motivational speaker “outside of here” and talks about Jesus and Overcoming Adversity for about twenty minutes. she clearly has been through some real shit in her life, and she also clearly believes she is really, really helping somebody with her Motivational Speeches. you don’t know if anyone else is getting something out of this -other people are often comforted by things that seem completely ridiculous to you- but you suspect they don’t. whatever. good luck getting her to shut up about whatever she’s on about. (you confess to the doctor later that day that you sometimes think about hurting people. that night, the Motivational Speaker talks specifically about ‘wanting to hurt people’. you pay close attention, knowing she thinks she’s helping, but actually just thinking that they were lying their asses off when they said this shit was confidential. you think to yourself that you need to remember that.) at one point she tells a story about a girl who tried to kill herself and failed, ended up paralyzed. the moral of the story, she says, is that “if you try to end your life before God is ready to take you, he may send you back worse off”. you stare at her and wonder, vaguely, how anyone worships the God you worship and talks about Him like that, like he’s some evil tyrant who would paralyze a child because she wanted to end it all, had the audacity to believe her life was her own to do with as she pleases. you are used to other Christians talking about God that way by now.

the main benefit of being in here is that you get actual, real anxiety medications -not the cheap, weak shit that Texas prescribes poor people asking for anxiety medications. that, and you’re in a safe place. well, not completely safe; a man much older and quite a bit taller than you overhears you and another inmate trading sex stories, most of them sapphic. he sits next to the two of you and listens to you talk for about fifteen minutes, then gets up and says something about d*kes being disgusting. you joke about him, but nervously. the other girl tells you “well if he tries anything, i’ll kill him”. you laugh and say thank you, but you know that’s bullshit. if he tries anything, everyone around you will be too late to help you. you think oh, maybe i’ll just avoid him, but the next time you go to get coffee he glares at you like he wishes you were dead, shakes his hand at you limply, and it takes you a second to remember that it’s sign language for “f*ggot”. you flip him off, but then go tell the nurses about it. you’re very careful to specify he didn’t actually threaten you, ‘cause he’s a black man and you don’t want to get him in Real trouble for “threatening” a white girl when he didn’t. the nurses tell you to “remember where you are” and that people in here are sick. you nod and say yeah, it’s probably fine. he probably won’t do anything. he has to sleep in a separate room from you, anyways.

at some point, you’re playing cards with about five other patients. talking and shooting the shit, starting to enjoy yourself. one of the guys who is in here for a suicide attempt keeps making “jokes” where the punchline is that women did something sexual. people keep not laughing and he’s obviously getting frustrated that people laugh at your jokes more than his. he starts talking shit about “sluts” and you try to, politely, reasonably, tell him that it isn’t his business who anyone sleeps with, that so long as nobody is lying or getting hurt, everybody has the right to sleep with whoever they want. he slams his hand on the table and says, “No! It’s disgusting and it needs to be destroyed.” He stalks off, too furious for words. You glance at the other “slut”, the same girl you talked about being gay with, and she agrees. everyone else takes his side, follows him around reassuring him that he totally respects women, and you’re just a crazy bitchy SJW. you know you’re right and you know he’s not just some poor wounded frat boy. you know he’s an actual danger to any woman he’s around. you also know that no one will believe you, so you just try to hold your tongue and not pick fights with him, because it doesn’t matter if you’re right. everyone will take his side. everyone always takes the man’s side.

eventually, 3 days are up. you feel calmer but just as empty and lost as you did before, except now you are approximately $2k in debt. you go to a nearby elementary school’s park, even though it’s overcast and cold, and you sit on a swingset and stare into space. there are a couple of kids there, but you figure so long as you leave them alone it’s okay. you stare into space for a good twenty minutes before you realize you still have that fucking bracelet on, the one with a bar code that they would scan every time they called you up to get your pills. you tear it off viciously, immediately. 

a few minutes later, a woman walks out of her house, across the street, toward you. you watch her curiously. she approaches you and asks you “if you know where to get any bud”. you say sweetly, “i’m sorry, i don’t,” as if you don’t know for a fact that the woman is a cop because you live on this block, and have seen her cruiser, and also what fucking stoner walks up to someone they don’t know and asks for pot in front of 2 children and on a public school’s property? she wasn’t even dressed like a stoner, for fuck’s sake; just a cop’s approximation of what a stoner looks like. jeans and an oversized t-shirt and hoodie. please. was she even trying, or do cops really just think all stoners are complete morons? do you really look like that much of a stoner right now? doesn’t matter, anyways. you knew she was a cop, and you never tell strangers you do anything illegal anyways -not when you remember to watch your mouth, at least.

the outpatient program turns out to be more of the same bullshit. starts at 7am and they make you empty your pockets and stand with your arms out so they can use a metal detector on you and make sure you’re not smuggling anything in. they make you put your knife in your locker, and that annoys you because you always carry your knife with you when you’re not at home, but you know if you say that they’ll think you’re Violent. so you put it up and feel naked and exposed and try to act like everything is fine. try to be civil with people while you’re tired and irritable and everything is so fucking stupid but you never know, right? maybe they do have SOMETHING to teach you. maybe you’re just being full of yourself thinking these people are full of shit. so you make the pain in the ass arrangements for the little bus to come pick you up, dodging questions about whether the car outside your house runs and whether you have a license and whether it would be technically possible for you to drive yourself, even though you don’t have a license still and you know for a fact if you get pulled over for driving without a license it may be years until you can actually get your license.

the ‘group therapy’ in the outpatient program turns out to be mostly about making fucking collages and shit. they hand out pamphlets about Christianity and about how a butterfly can’t become a butterfly if it doesn’t fight its way through its cocoon. one of the days, the woman leading the group will not shut the fuck up about how she “knows” that talking to a different woman in a different room is going to give you all soooooo much anxiety. you want to tell her to fuck off, but you figure she’s just really green, they’re probably using you all to break in the brand-new “therapists”. you smile at her and make nice because she’s obnoxious and dumb but she’s trying. the woman who usually leads the group is obviously annoyed with you; you are too blunt, too aggressive, too confident in yourself, even now, even at rock bottom (except fuck,don’t tell yourself this is rock bottom, don’t say that, because then like clockwork, the rug will be torn from under you and you’ll find a way to sink even lower), for this woman’s comfort. you try AGAIN to tell her what you think you have. she tells you there’s no way you have it because you’re “too self aware”. you irritably explain that you think there is a strong possibility you do have it, and you explain why, and you try very hard not to scream when the most you can get out of her is some empty platitudes about “having self control” and “seeing the other person’s point of view”.

when she leaves the room, the other patients commiserate with you about what a fucking waste of time this is. one of them is mourning the death of her daughter, lost to suicide when she wasn’t even in high school yet, and she went to the office like she was supposed to, and had an argument with the girl working there and annoyed the girl, so the girl claimed that she was “suicidal” even though the patient said she’d been dealing with depression for decades and knew it wasn’t an emergency, and that’s why she was even here. she starts crying in group and you wonder if you should go up and hug her, or that would be overstepping a boundary. you stare helplessly. the woman leading group watches sympathetically for a few seconds, clears her throat, and diverts the conversation back to her lesson plan.

at some point, they call you in to talk to a doctor. there are three people about your age also in the room, writing stuff down on notepads. one of them asks you questions about every possible trauma and hardship you may have gone through. after you admit to each one she says softly, “im sorry that happened to you.” you are grateful to be treated like a human by somebody in the room, even as the doctor himself is clearly bored with this whole schtick. the meeting takes about fifteen minutes; within a few weeks they will send you a bill for several hundred dollars. that’s how much it costs to sit in a room while a doctor ignores you and lets medical students do his job, asking you about the worst things that have ever happened to you, for college credit so they can finish medical school.

they tell you to do “homework” that amounts to writing about your feelings, your worst memories, your deepest secrets. you try to convince yourself that you might actually get something out of this whole shitshow if you just go along, but you can’t stand the idea of letting that fucking woman read anything you write. whatever. you show up every day and say no, you did not do the homework. no, you do not feel guilty about not doing the homework. the woman who leads the group glares at you. you are an incorrigible crazy girl who must not want to get any better, after all. one day they have you all go outside, hold hands, and move a hula hoop around in a circle without letting go of each others’ hands. you make a skeptical face and the lady who leads the group says something about “being resilient enough” to do her stupid little exercise. you want to tell her to go fuck herself, there’s no part of this shit that has anything to do with resilience, but you know better than to argue. you participate and, incidentally, you pass the hula hoop quicker than everyone else did, and then you say “i don’t like to touch people”, because you don’t, and the other patients let go of your hands immediately. the lady who leads the group looks pleased with herself.

on the seventh day you drag yourself up in the morning to go to this stupid outpatient program, they just have you watch Inside Out and then fill out a paper about “what emotions does society tell us to repress”. you go through the motions, go eat the lunch they serve you, and go home, knowing you are not going to bother going to the next day. These people are full of shit. you have to figure this out on your own, as usual. at least you got the higher dose of mood stabilizers you needed, though.

you get a new job, because you quit your old one in a panic. you’re too anxious and pissed off all the time and awkward and unsure of whatever the fuck these people are so mad about when you can’t sit them down immediately or whatever, to be good at customer service, so you just start doing the grunt work. you’re still under the impression that being a hard worker when you first start a new job will help you keep the job; this job will be the one that lets you figure out you don’t actually want to give 100%, because then your coworkers will slack off and when you try to slack off, your boss will be mad at you for not performing the way you usually do. 

it’s almost unbelievably difficult, but you keep showing up to work. you hide the panic attacks and you push through the depression. you smile and play nice even though everybody is full of shit and thinks you’re an idiot and you can’t ever, ever change their mind. you feel like you’re going to explode all the time, but you don’t explode. you don’t die. you don’t relapse. you toe the line and you slowly, slowly learn and improve and heal.

you try to talk to people about it. they won’t believe you. crazy people can’t fix themselves. they can’t reason their way through a problem, they can’t realize their behavior is an issue and take initiative, they can’t. it’s impossible. crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. only the Doctors can be trusted.

whatever. they’re full of shit. you have to figure out your own way to survive, just like always.

[dead-thorin]

whew a lot has happened in the past few days yall

first and foremost, @allangelsgobyangharad saw that i was sad AND SHE SENT ME A BOOK AND SHE IS SUCH A GOOD EGG I LOVE HER it really cheered me up

so a dude broke my heart over the weekend and it literally wasnt his fault, i just had hopes that we could do a long distance thing and he didnt want to bc he felt like he was in a bad place in life to do it; it be like that.

I dont really decorate my room bc im kinda just like ‘well ill be moving in a year, why bother?’ but at target i bought some stuff (including a new shelf!) and some decorations and my room looks more lively and lived in now. I have a white board im using, a letter board that im gonna write positive messages for myself on (rn it says ‘keep going’), i changed my curtains to something less dark (theyre white with flowers on the bottom), a fake plant that looks realistic, and a wax warmer to diffuse lavender scent into my room (it smells damn amazing). My therapist was really proud of me for doing all this and im proud i did it too. Like being in the room gave me anxiety and made me sad and switching it around really helped me separate us being together and him leaving and me sleeping here and shit

i got myself a book about anxiety and meditation thats p funny (by dan harris) and im gonna read it tomorrow during lunch and maybe take some notes. Ive also been thinking about going back on medication so i think im gonna schedule an appointment tomorrow with the psych here and see what she thinks. itll suck but i think for rn its best bc ive been anxious for a while and until i can get my coping mechanisms down, ill need some extra help. therapist was also proud i was pro active in this

The process for top surgery is slow, but moving. The doctor faxed my letter over to the wrong department (bc the number was wrong on the website) so Im heading down there tomorrow and getting a physical copy. I called yesterday and she hadnt responded and thats the MO with this fucking office so I have to physically go there for it. It be like that. Also one of the students I work with goes to the city I wanna get surgery in and he said he was down to give me a ride there so im covered. 

I had lunch with a friend and we talked about like my future plans and i mentioned how i was just like... done with library science. Its a lot of things but like a lot of people went into the field bc theyre like “oh i like reading!” when thats not what this field is about. Or they dont actually want to serve the public the way libraries are supposed to (like allowing individuals experiencing homelessness to be in that space). And like the job market is hard and public librarianship doesnt offer that great benefits so im like nervous (I always have a problem of looking too far ahead in life tbh). Michelle has always told me I would do great in public health bc i have a wide skill range, Im p sociable and a people person, i love educating, im passionate about the topics i talk about, etc so like i might do another masters in public health and theres one program i saw that looks good and the university also offers remitted tuition so in theory i could work there and get my degree too. I also probably wouldnt need gres since id already have a masters degree. My therapist slightly roasted me for this and was like “Jordan... too far ahead..” and i was like I KNOW!!! God I always do that but yeah at least i have a plan and if anything I could probably be an academic librarian for a public health department at a university; well see where life takes me

anyway yeah i feel a lot better about things and i know that life goes on and that im 23 and young and shit and that its just hormones but it just really sucks. And like Michelle said maybe one day we would get together, its just not the right time but im so impatient smh (which she also roasted me for; lunch with her is like being slowly cooked at 425F for an hour but its amazing). And if its not meant to be, then its not meant to be and thats ok too

[weedhorse69]

captain’s log 8/20/2019: tummy still hurty.  ximena got worried.  marilyn made me eat food.  just watched invader zim: enter the florpus.  movie kinda sucked (didn’t capture dib and zim’s full chemistry).  been sleeping all day.  gonna sleep again soon.  

im beating sad me again tho.  i think im getting over the largest hump.  ive been acting up again, lord forgive me.  

got the sliver of hope for relief in me, and i didn’t turn to drugs so aha yeah im winning.  but yeah my stomach still hurts and i dunno what’s going on.  i think if it still hurts tomorrow, maybe ill check if i have insurance, and if i do, ill go see a doctor.  

it may also be a good time to sign up for that therapist again.  ximena said i could talk to her about anything but ximena, forgive me, i dont really want you to hold that much of me.  yeah, yeah- selfish blah blah blah.  whatever.  

[joplayingjaks]

life update

cody’s car is back in the shop again (this time with a specific problem that we can fix and its in a WAY better shop so we know it will get done soon). but a couple people at work quit recently and also had a no-call-no-show today so cody (thinking he would have a few days off to not worry about his car in the shop) had to come in with me and use my car again. but also the check engine light came on yesterday in my car and we’re going to wisconsin next week on thanksgiving over the weekend lol, so monday is the only day before our trip that we both have off, so hopefully we can bring it in monday and get it all checked over and everything. (cody or i will call the shop tomorrow and hopefully be able to schedule something for monday. perhaps tomorrow while im at work cody can bring it to the shop and they can run a diagnostic?)

during the trip i have a doc appointment and im trying to make a list of everything that i need to talk to her about, physically and mentally. im finally determined to get my shit together. it seems like every time i go to the doc, it happens to be during an upswing or i feel like its a burden, so i dont mention bad symptoms im experiencing, but i just want to move forward in my life and fix shit. so hopefully i will: 1) be able to start on the road to finding out what all my pain and stuff is caused by whether it be lupus or arthritis or a connective tissue disorder or something, 2) tmi be able to figure out my painful/heavy periods and whats going on with that, and 3) find out ways to deal with all the various mental health issues i have and discuss meds and therapists and stuff like that. im making sure to write out an actual paper list that i can bring with me and just go through bullet-to-bullet with her. the only discouraging thing is i know everything is going to be extremely costly. im still a little behind on funds rn, and my insurance is still through parents for a few more years, but i still have to pay the actual bills themselves. but i guess we’ll see. i can figure out money and stuff later, i just need to get myself back on my feet and feeling human again

but anywho, im kinda excited for the visit to see my bro and parents and other family maybe and have good food. maybe mom will have time to touch-up my haircolor and give me a little trim. and she is gonna be giving us a bunch of stuff i think, random stuff that she’s trying to get rid of probably lol, clothes and towels and christmas decorations. and she got me a bday present :,) and i think she also made a mini lettuce garden for salem, so sweet

in other news, our couches are comfy, a little dirty but easily cleanable. we need to buy a vacuum asap. the one we got secondhand is d e a d and there are little bunny poops in the carpet and the inside of the couches need to be vacuumed too. also idk if i mentioned that cody is a SUPER THOUGHTFUL SWEETHEART. he got me a sewing/embroidery machine for my bday!! ill be able to make clothes and stuff and do alterations and make patches and embroider designs and so much more!! gotta get thread and everything tho, and i’ll need an iron/board and some other stuff before i can really start delving in, but im just really thankful for cody and for the extremely fitting gift

the next thing we’re looking towards after wi is a little christmas/holiday get-together with friends. we have the tree out of storage sitting in the box waiting to be put together after the visit. i wanna make ornaments and stuff and get tons of lights (we already have some lights up in the apartment cause we’re Mid-2000s Hipster Teens™) and just be cute and cozy and crafty. im excited

[forgettinggirlinterrpted]

Sunday 5/6

My roommates name is Shauna. She doesn’t flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag. 

A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. I’m the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, there’s no door. The poop lady is cackling. 

My roommate and I talked, she’s nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria. 

I’m having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c I’ve been hungover but surely that’s not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?

It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I don’t want to go to group therapy tomorrow. 

I just can’t stop crying, my eyes actually hurt. 

My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste. 

I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash. 

I don’t have the lights on bc Shauna’s sleeping- I feel like Mozart. 

My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number. 

Ill be back. 

Got Taylor’s # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep. 

My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday. 

I’ve only eaten a donut this morning. 

There’s a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me. 

I’m sweaty. 

Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phone 

*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea- 

is this a joke?

It’s a work in progress. 

*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)

Shauna is snoring. There’s no joke there but its absolutely worth noting. 

I just want to play candy crush. 

Monday

(12:30 pmish) I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.

I had so many dreams. 

I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. They’re in there talking about me. 

I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast. 

Shauna puked everywhere. 

I think she’s leaving. 

Also turns out she’s in withdrawal AND pregnant. 

And she has an infected injection site on her arm. 

I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts. 

The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now I’m hungry so I guess they’re gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)

4ish pm

40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan. 

Finally left my room, I’ve been asleep all day. 

Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw they’re watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches. 

Movies suggested by the dude I’m watching FSM w/

- assassin’s creed

-Dogma

10 positive ways to describe myself

1. Legs that go up to my asshole

2. College educated

3. Big heart

4. Good sense of humor

5. Love babies

6. Love my friends 

7. Good communicator

8. Love the outside

9. Big smile

10. Lovely family

9 positive coping skills 

1. Talk to Taylor

2. Going on walks

3. Calling my parents

4. Reading

5. Going to therapy

6. Doing hw

7. Watching movies

8. Candy crush (questionable) 

9. Eating veggies

8 things I’ve accomplished 

1. College

2. Getting into grad school

3. Learning Spanish

4. Coming to the hospital

5. Making great friends

6. Moving a lot and making it through

7. Driving to SLC 

8. Supporting myself (for the most part)

7 healthy things I can do each day 

1. Eat well

2. Shower

3. Talk to my friends

4. Not drink

5. Clean my room

6. Clean my clothes

7. Do my hw

6 things I can change

1. My eating habits

2. Drinking

3. Exercising more

4. Getting a routine

5. Whitening my teeth

6. How I see myself

5 things I can’t change

1. How my family acts

2. How my friends act

3. The status of the US public school system

4. The amount of sunlight in my apt 

5. My face 

4 reasons I can’t give up

1. My family

2. I’m going to change the world

3. My friends

4. My future students

3 places I can get help

1. w/ dr. whose name I can’t remember 

2. my apt (Taylor)

3. the hospital 

2 people I can really trust

1. Taylor

2. my parents

1 reason I’m here

1. I need to not feel like this anymore

I’m holding myself back from asking why everyone’s here. 

Assassin’s creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions. 

We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall. 

Biter dude told hair guy “nice hair”.

Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like he’s going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys! 

Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room. 

I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books. 

She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldson’s ‘on homesickness’. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect. 

Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate… double the lasagna we all got for dinner).

He keeps saying he looks like he’s about to give birth 

“I mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternity”

Wuthering Heights

1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff

Thrushcross Grange

Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here. 

What an anecdote. 

“they could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!” – about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagna’s real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper). 

Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said “you’re awfully quiet” and she rejected him hard. It was awk. 

One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch “just go w/ it” – its so bad. 

One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how I’m feeling and I keep saying fine but I’m not. As long as I don’t talk I don’t cry. I’m starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing. 

Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said “nuh uh” was iconic. 

Its 805 pm and I think I’m going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash. 

I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I don’t like how much of a blur today is. 

I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just don’t know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone. 

I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think. 

I’m sure she’s confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all.  Who cares. I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind. 

I need a talk therapist like yesterday.

I can’t bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but it’s easy to read.

 The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.

 Fake Abby doesn’t know what the move is, I can tell.

I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. She’s lovely. 

Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke. 

They’re checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like she’s closer to my age. 

I’m happy she’s not my roommate. 

I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back. 

I’m just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they did 

Goals for tomorrow-

Check out group

Find rec room/sign my name by Mack’s 

Document everything

Keep room clean

They still haven’t cleaned Shauna’s side. Its off putting. 

Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes? 

Its off putting also. 

I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn. 

My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I can’t say I’m feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? That’s where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow. 

I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!! 

Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush. 

- Be more present tomorrow-

- Ask more questions- 

be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them

On Homesickness pg 23

Scott County

We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known

37, Franklin County 

Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery County 

Tuesday 

7:10 am 

slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night. 

She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it. 

I’m just trying to let go of control. I don’t want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world. 

Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out. 

I keep thinking about my phone bill and I can’t remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car. 

Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it. 

I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night. 

I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?

I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That I’m not like everyone here? 

Newsflash, asshole, I am 

(I’m the asshole)

I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?

I wonder if Prather has texted me. I’m supposed to sub on the 21st. 

Yikes

Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also haven’t worked in over a week + a half soooooo. 

On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)

Also I think I’m getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, I’m getting hospital cooties. 

7:27 am 

I’m in TV room w/ singer. I asked what we’re watching and she said “some kind of cartoon”. She’s not screaming which is awesome. I’m going to read Wuthering Heights. 

Almost 8 

Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. She’s blonde. I haven’t seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also there’s a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil. 

TIME TBD

Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut. 

I don’t like waiting around. 

Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? There’s different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time. 

I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. I’m going to check on breakfast. 

8:30ish

breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird. 

Time-?

Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I don’t now if I want to be here. But also I don’t want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c I’m so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack. 

I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c I’m here but I’ve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everything’s ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down. 

With talking to them I finally feel like I’ve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when I’m up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out. 

I miss my parents. 

Time unknown

Honestly can’t remember what happened next. 

Social worker came in, she’s lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting. 

She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack. 

Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it. 

I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they haven’t. 

I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me they’re gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.

My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting. 

I think its around 1 pm. 

2pm

Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now I’m waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shauna’s old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk. 

I don’t know why I keep crying. I just feel like I’m going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless. 

Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor. 

My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe. 

~505

lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I don’t understand what my next move is. 

Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting. 

I think I’m allowed another pill. What’s the point? 

6:50 pm 

I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing since after dinner. I’ve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. I’ve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but she’s pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour. 

7 pm

officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if that’s going to help me sleep. They’re going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. I’m hoping they’ll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak. 

Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement. 

I want to say I feel better, but I don’t know. Its just all a blur. 

I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool. 

I don’t want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.

Double lasagna and biter left. 

* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA. 

New girl who I don’t know 

New guy Brandon- wears vans 

And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones. 

Bold move. 

Fake Abby and I are friends. I think she’s lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I can’t deal with that. 

Now I just kill time until mom gets here. 

930 ish?

Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I don’t need to worry about $ right now. 

I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!! 

Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great. 

Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But I’m ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And I’m gonna do it in god damn pen! 

Goals for tomorrow- 

- track when all meds taken

- get better at checking time 

8am

slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! I’m sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed. 

11am 

talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think I’ll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if I’m sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since they’ll change the time I get the abilify. I don’t know. Just very tired. 

1109

Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this. 

Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs. 

Newer girl is even scarier she’s very touchy. Seems like she doesn’t listen. 

singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop. 

Shirt is leaving today. 

New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singer’s hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild. 

1140

going to lay in bed until lunch. 

~12

slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke. 

I’m def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me. 

I think that’s the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. I’m thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now. 

I’m really just waiting to get something for my cough. 

215

just slept super hard

even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more

I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment. 

Couldn’t find macks mark so I left. 

Gonna go try to get more crossword 

255

just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower. 

Crazy Tad just said hi to me. 

New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, we’re watching that 70’s show. 

My shirt smells like Keenan. 

Also its almost snack! 

Hmmmmm 4? 

took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldn’t have wrapped myself in it. 

A little before 5

Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God I’m so fucking tired. 

I’m glad I’m writing everything down b/c its all such a blur. 

Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my phone. I don’t know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I don’t know!! 

I met my new nurse, DD, who said I’m taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh. 

Time to lay down. Again. 

I think I fell asleep again?

Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again. 

I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets. 

I think more than anything I’m really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down. 

Just want to stop crying. 

830 pm

calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious. 

844

Singer has 12 different personalities. 

About to go ask for my meds/follow up on what’s up w/ the nurse’s research 

9ish 

Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasn’t looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me. 

Thursday 

- if… because then 

- one day at a time 

9 am?

Had breakfast, found out I’m going home today. 

Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5 

2 more free meals! 

Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about it 

Nurse Nadine is so sweet. 

These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later. 

930

I’m going to get a watch 

I don’t like not always knowing the time 

That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room

 Don’t know her name 

But I don’t want to 

I’m getting out here short haired lady! And I’m pulling out to win! 

I’m getting sleepy, fuck 

I have like 8 hours to kill 

Soooo

Suddenly now that I know I’m getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normal 

Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted? 

She’s hot in that too, though.

Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy. 

925

group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it. 

Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad

Grabby girl wouldn’t share, she it nuts

But now miss congeniality is on!!

1055

cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wrote 

SCABZ

In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. I’m not even going to go into how that went. 

Update: grabby thinks I’m her mom 

My best gift:

The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldn’t. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who I’ve known since I was 9. 

~~~~ when the party is at it’s best, it’s time to leave the party ~~~~ 

- Tad’s ex-father-in-law

almost noon 

Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, “like the yin for your yang?” and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks I’m just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I haven’t gone back to sleep yet. 

Also, they said I could keep 19! 

I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles. 

After lunch 

Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth. 

There’s a new kid, he’s gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young. 

Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved. 

Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)

I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and I’m about to leave so I don’t think im getting it back. 

Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice. 

I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here. 

430

did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of don’t want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I don’t want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it. 

Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but that’s also prob just a sign that the meds are working. 

I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet. 

This isn’t to say he isn’t totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of “stuff” what the fuck. 

Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand. 

[i-can-be-king-again]

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Nope

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? No, that person dumped me a couple years ago and we stopped talking after a while

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? “okay”

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’m being less of a pushover than I've been before and being less of a perfectionist in front of ppl

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? “In my head” by Ariana Grande, I listen to it sometimes to remind myself that I'm better off without them

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? I don’t use Facebook as much anymore

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Never been drunk, but I was super tense when I was buzzed lol

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate, it makes my stomach hurt lol

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Last week when I felt like I'm not improving in my self defense class, but I'm always disappointed in that lol

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? There’s a couple people that can

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Tell them to get tf out my house lol

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I’m so goddamn lonely lol

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probably not

Are you okay right now? I’m never ok tbh lol

What time did you get up today? around 8:30 am

When was the last time you saw your mom? As of writing this right now, about 10 minutes ago

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Trump, my self defense teacher, and this stupid guy in my self defense class

Where is your best friend right now? Probably at home

When will your next kiss be? I’m not going to predict that because I don’t want to jinx the possibility lol

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? Hell no lol

Does anyone completely understand you? My therapist, I think

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? A couple years ago I think

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Playing games

How often do you straighten your hair? I already have straight hair so I don’t need to do that

What are you currently looking forward to? This stupid pandemic and trump’s presidency to be over

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Probably not lol, mostly waste time

Who did you last hang out with? The person I'm dating(?) at the moment

Did anyone see your last kiss? Nope

Could things possibly get any better? I hope so ugh

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I have no clue!

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Anxiety and lack of sleep

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? No

How often do you see your ex? Never, thank god lol

Who was the last person to text you? My friend

Did you like anyone last summer? Not really

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time!

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My friend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? yes!! I’m fine with either one lol

Are you currently in a relationship? Nope

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Rarely

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? Not really

What are you planning on doing after this? Probably play some games

Is there a girl you would do anything for? Yep!

Who IMed you on facebook last? An old classmate from college

How old are you? 27

Do you love dogs? I love them!!

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Some of them yeah

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I don’t own any rainbows lol

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Orange

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? Cartwheel

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Not performed, but one time I saw a comedian at a small venue and they had me come up on stage with him to be his “personal assistant” because I looked super young for my age, it was really fun lmao

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, but mostly intimidated lol

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? I don’t eat meat so no lol

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? I’m ok with either one

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Depends on the movie I'm seeing in the theater

Do you prefer brown or white rice? Brown

Do you like spaghetti? Spaghetti is pretty good

What about lasagna? Lasagna is pretty good too

Do you celebrate Christmas? Sort of

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? No..? I've never heard of that tf lol

Do you like chocolate bars? Not really, I like chocolate in other forms lol

what about ice cream? nah, it hurts my teeth when I eat it

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Mostly mosquitoes lol

Do you get tired easily? Sometimes

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? Never lol

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered to help office workers at red cross What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but they were too hard to take out and they were uncomfortable

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? yes if they were easier to take out lol

Are your ears pierced? How many times? Nope

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but from genetics lol

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? Not yet lol

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Nope

Have you ever been screened for STDs? No

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? not yet

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ If it’s a close family member yeah

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? no thank god

Do you like Harry Potter? not really

What about Twilight? I liked it when I was younger, but not now How do you feel about Lord of the rings? It’s kind of boring lol

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I saw, it was ok

Do you have a glass that says ‘Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? Nope

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7-7.5 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Narrow

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? black sneakers

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? yep

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No, I love them lol

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? yes

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m a lot closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I think I was 10, I don’t remember their name

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Not at all lol

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Nope

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? I've never watched it so I can’t have a valid opinion of it

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I had semi severe stomach problems when I was a baby, and still have them now lol

Do you collect DVDs? Nah, I just rent them

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? Sometimes

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? roly polies and ladybugs

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! I don’t remember having an art class back then lol

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes, I'm pretty good at dodging but not throwing

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? I’m fine with it

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? yes and still do lol

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter

Have you ever stepped on a snail? yeah, on accident :/

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? Sonic the hedgehog lmao

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t know their middle name oops, I think it’s the same name as my dad though

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Nah, not interested

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Not really

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, my house gets cold a lot

What state were you born in? California

Have you ever had a nose bleed? Never had one

How far away do you live from your birthplace? An hour maybe?

Do you have a weak stomach? yes, I hate it ugh

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? No

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Not at all

Do you *really* like donuts? Hell yeah I do!

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? If I went there all the time, then yeah

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? I don’t like hooking up with people :/

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Games, art supplies, clothes

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? Probably not

What do you usually order on a pizza? vegan cheese with veggies on it Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? I don't have one 😭

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? My cousin

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Puppy!!!!!

How old will you be on your next birthday? 28 😱

What color are your underwear? That’s confidential information lmao

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? All the time, I always have to eat in an area with little to no people.  It sucks

[brokenhayatim]

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again) 

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big  part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head.  unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is. 

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program:  physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.

[softspokenmemories]

Satisfied

Hi, Tumblr people. This here is a short story (an actual short story, dw. It doesn’t have another part to it). I apologize if this somehow happens to offend anyone (I’m a natural).

Anyway, like always, I hope you enjoy (:

LemonGirl239: hey

Jack: Yo

LemonGirl239: Remember that time when you told me to go get a therapist?

Jack: Yeah

LemonGirl239: Did you mean it?

Jack: it’s extra help if u need it.

LemonGirl239: look, if ur tired of helping me, ill get it, if you want to leave, go, if you you want to get rid of me, good bye. Just tell me. and ill be gone. but never talk like that please, it hurts. A lot.

Jack: I’m not, I won’t, I don’t

Sorry it came off like that

LemonGirl239: Be honest.

Jack: ?

LemonGirl239: If you are sick of helping me leave.

Jack: No, I’m not and I won’t

LemonGirl239: Okay, now pick your words wisely. Why did you mention a therapist?     

…

LemonGirl239: Why did you mention a therapist?

Jack: Because everyone deserves professional help if they need it

Please, don’t think I’m trying to get rid of you or I think you’re lost cayse

*Cause

I don’t

LemonGirl239: prove it

Jack: Prove what part though

LemonGirl239: that u dont think im a lost cause and ur not gonna leave.

Jack: If I thought you were a lost cause, or if I wanted to leave, I’d have done it long ago

But I’m still here because I want to help you. I’m not giving up on you, I won’t leave unless you kick and scream for me to do so.

…

Jack: Paige are you still there?

LemonGirl239: yes

LemonGirl239: thank you

Jack -offline- last seen 2 days ago

Her small, one bedroom apartment rattled as the subway passed underneath. Bits of dust deteriorated and fell from the cracked ceiling, provoked from the constant rumble. Paige didn’t bother standing to fix the distorted picture frame on the crumbling wall; she lay on her bed, her phone screen’s familiar glow washing over her face.

There were dirty dishes in the sink waiting to be scrubbed, her door waiting to be locked, her neglected assignment waiting to be completed. But, laying on her side, all Paige could do was study her chat with Jack. She felt unsatisfied. Something tugged at her heart as she stared at the faded words, Jack -offline- last seen 2 days ago-

There was something off about their friendship… it reminded her of derelict, faded photographs and lost memories.

The memories.

It was the memories she was holding onto. Old, rusting, happy memories that she seemed to struggle off of.

Blinded by a wave of emotion and a fresh shed of frustrated tears, Paige tossed in her bed and switched the chat to a different one- a conversation she’d had with one of her closest friends, Alex.

LemonGirl239: I’ll explain, so we were alone near his locker. Unfortunately, no one was around. He cornered me. He made me show him my shoulder. Hesitantly, I peeled off my sleeve and it felt bigger and more hideous right at that moment. I felt ashamed, stupid. Then he started yelling at me. I almost started crying. But I walked away. And just mumbled under my breath, “it’s not that bad”

AlexInk13: omg what’s wrong with your shoulder???

DID SOMEONE HURT YOU

LemonGirl239: Later, I saw him in the hallway, and started having a normal conversation. He wasn’t listening to me, though. He looked mad. No, more than mad- furious. He just glared at me and said “Just because you think it isn’t bad doesn’t mean you should be doing it”

AlexInk13: Paige… Why did he start yelling after he saw your shoulder…

and damn i could write an entire novel on your life

and it’d be a best seller

LemonGirl239: Alexandra.

AlexInk13: “Poorly written but engaging”

yeah?

LemonGirl239: Have you ever heard of self harm.

…

AlexInk13: It’s gotten that bad…?

LemonGirl239: Worse, Alex, worse.

Jack would scold me, Danny would yell at me, Rosa would be mad they said it wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t breathe or think I would feel cold and shaking and screaming my thoughts would jumble up I couldn’t see

…

AlexInk13: im so sorry

so so sorry

do they know they’re not doing it right though

treating you right in a sense that it’s not helping

I mean, they know you. They should know better, shouldn’t they??

LemonGirl239: It’s not you Alex. You don’t have to be sorry. Them scolding me actually helps.

Gives me a sense that they care.

AlexInk13: and I’m sure they do!! Im sorry I’m getting upset with them… Ik they care, they really really seem to love you, but they’re being so blind…..

I dont know what to say

LemonGirl239: It’s okay.

Jack or Rosa don’t get mad.

Danny is the one who usually makes me cry and then hugs me but the rest never yell.

Everyone has a different way of showing love I guess.

It’s okay Alex no big deal don’t feel sorry for me or anything please

AlexInk13: ok

Ok I won’t

LemonGirl239: thanks. It’s not bad. It’s okay. I’m fine. Just please don’t say you’re sorry.

AlexInk13: Ok

LemonGirl239: thanks

AlexInk13: But I can’t promise anything

…

LemonGirl239: Ok

-AlexInk13- offline- last seen 10 days ago-

Frustrated, Paige shut off her phone and slammed it down onto her decaying wooden side table- it was all she could to to keep from throwing it across the room. There was something about her online friends that wasn’t fulfilling enough. She longed for something, but she wasn’t sure what. 

Paige had a sudden whim. She felt something unfamiliar and sudden spark inside of her.

LemonGirl239: You guys wanna meet up at the cafe downtown tomorrow for lunch? 1:30?

Paige fixed her gaze on the blinking cursor, waiting in anticipation to send the message out. Just as her thumb was about to withdrawal from the orders of her whim, another sudden bold of electricity shot through her. She hit Send All in one swift, sure motion.

AlexInk13: Sure (:

Jack: I’m free

RosePetal: Why not :p

DangerousSun: I’ll see

Paige waited for herself to comprehend the situation she had somehow thrust herself into. She wasn’t sure how, or why, but the usual feeling of dread and fear of meeting up that should of filled her never arrived. Instead, something light and warm bubbled up inside of her. Paige felt herself smile. However, her joy was short-lived.

Suddenly, she heard a rasping knock on her door. Paige groaned, already knowing who it was. “What do you want, Caleb?” The unpleasant knocking continued. “Mom already checked on me yesterday; now leave me alone.” The knocking never ceased. Suspicion tickled at Paige’s caution, but her annoyance smothered it.

“I swear to god, Caleb, if you don’t stop, I’ll-” Paige swung her door open and stopped short as she realized there was no one there. The endless canvas of the starry night sky gazed back at her, slow dancing with a gentle summer breeze.

“Darn kids.” Paige muttered under her breath, despite the fact that she didn’t know of any kids inhabiting the area. 

However, before the door could swing back into its frame, a foot blocked its path. Gasping, Paige was about to call out when a hooded figure grabbed her and kept its hand over her mouth, preventing her from signaling help. 

It whispered, “You know who I am.” It had a splintering voice, causing Paige to wither under the sound. Shivering wildly, Paige made several attempts to free herself, but all in vain. She couldn’t escape.

“You know what I want.” It rasped. The harshness of its voice scared her, and the familiar feelings of dread pooled up inside of her.

Paige nodded eagerly as she felt the hooded figure’s poison take control of her body.

Paige’s shaking hands drew her phone from her pocket. 

LemonGirl239: So sorry you guys- it turns out I can’t x(

The dread left her, but something else, something ugly, settled in its place. 

“You can go now, Anxiety.” Paige shivered. “I’ve learned my lesson.”

The hooded figure left her alone in the room, but Paige knew.

It was always there.

[thecruciblegavemeyou]

I was actually gonna give you a prompt for Snowbaz! I have this headcannon were Baz is really self conscious about his body, I wonder if you could write something about that?

thanks! sorry this took so long!!!!!! ahhhhhhh this is a good prompt i hope i do it justice. (i love your url btw) 

words: only like 800 or so sorry 

warning: mentions of eating disorders, etc, please dont read if you think it will make you uncomfortable

when snow asked me if i was anorexic that christmas eve in my room, i definitely paused a moment. i mean, i wasn’t anorexic, but i did not have great eating habits. i was a vampire, and maybe i didn’t need as much food as other people, or simon the human vacuum cleaner, but i didn’t eat enough. 

it didn’t help that i wasn’t fed a scrap of food in the two months i spent with the numpties, either. when fiona finally found me, she took me right to the nearest mcdonalds and bought the whole goddamned menu. i didnt have the heart to tell her that i threw it all up in the bathroom a half hour later. my body forgot how to handle food. 

until that christmas eve with simon, i hadnt eaten any full meals or much of anything. maybe a biscuit or an apple, here or there. 

i wanted to eat, but i didn’t feel like i deserved it. it was my fault that my mom was dead. it was my fault that my dad would barely acknowledge my presence. 

it wasn’t until one night with snow when i really broke down. we usually stayed fully clothed. or mostly clothed. but tonight, simon was feeling frisky, and he tugged he shirt off over his head. when he got to work on mine, i could feel my stomach lurch. 

was i too pale? 

was i too skinny? 

my torso was weirdly stretched because of my height. 

my hips and ribs were kind of jutting out too… 

my body wasn’t proportional. i didn’t look like any of those boys in the magazines, and i wasnt as muscly or filled out as i had been during the football season at watford. 

i was too tall, and-

“baz? baz, are you okay, love?” i could hear him in the back of my consciousness, buried under the panic and the pressure on my lungs. he sounded like he was under water.

simon crawled off my lap and started smoothing my hair. “darling, whats wrong?” 

“i cant, i look, i cant…” he rubbed a hand on my back and waited for me to come back. when i finally looked into his eyes again (so fucking blue, even in the dark) he looked concerned. he looked like a kicked puppy. 

i felt guilty. i didnt want to hide from him. i didnt want to be the one who made him look that upset, i’d had my fill of that at Watford.

he’d pulled his shirt back on, but i pulled mine off anyways. if i still beat, my heart would be pounding of the walls. 

he didnt say anything for a little while. almost too long. he stared at my chest, and reached a hand out towards me. he didnt touch me, like he was afraid to break me. did i look that paper thin? and then he looked angry. 

“im sorry, simon i-” i didnt want him to be angry with me. i didnt want to make him upset. 

“baz, love, when was the last time you ate anything?” i shrugged, but i could feel the panic rising at the back of my throat. 

“please dont be angry, i just-” i hated the way i sounded, my voice came out in a pathetic whimper. so much for all of those years pretending nothing got to me. 

he shook his head, and pushed my hair back out of my eyes, “im mad at myself, for not noticing sooner.” i kissed the back of his hand. 

“do you want to talk about it?” he asked. i couldnt say no, not when he was looking at me like that. 

he spent the entire night listening to me. i told him everything, and he rubbed my stomach in a weirdly comforting motion. i couldnt help but fall into his touch. 

“i think you should talk to my therapist, baz.”

“si-” 

“and i want to try and help you eat a little more, okay? ill make you breakfast tomorrow.” 

i nodded. i tried to hide the voice that was in the back of my head, but i know he could see it in my eyes. 

“you’re so beautiful, baz.”

-

and he did. he made me breakfast, and i woke up to the sun rising over my golden boyfriend and a plate of burned scones and soggy eggs. it didnt even matter when he got strawberry jam all over my chest (honestly, i think he did it on purpose). 

it was hard not to laugh as he tried to spoon feed me eggs, and it didnt help when penny barged in.

“simon- oh my god, stop licking jam off of baz’s chest long enough for me to yell at you! i just stepped on a raw egg, simon! why did you leave a broken egg on the floor!” 

when penny finally got us out of bed, i noticed the disaster simon made of the kitchen. 

everything wasn’t perfect, and maybe it wouldnt ever be, but it was always getting better, with bunce and my bloody git of a boyfriend.

~

eeekkkk. i hope i handled this okay, i know its a tough subject. body positivity is harddddd man…. if theres anything in here thats wrong in any shape or form or offensive would someone let me know? i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable 

i tried to make it realistic i honestly think baz might have a lot of trouble/guilt and i cant imagine that it was easy to start eating again after not having food for two months so… 

[flightless-icarus]

june 10, 2020

have i really not written in 4 days? i never realize how long its been, like, it only feels like i just wrote a day o r so ago. i dunno, days are blurring a little bit, so its hard to tell whats up. 

i have 2 appointments, one on the 15th with a psychiatrist for SSI/SSD, and I have aother on the 16th with my usual therapist. 

yesterday i got my fitbit in the mail, i actually prefer it much more to the other one, especially with the thinner band and face. its still touch screen and gets notifications! its just smaller and cuter tbh. though they hardly have any clock faces, i have a stat-heavy one so i can see my BPM just by lifting my wrist, like right now as i type this my bpm is 80. 

ive been working on my comic, and i think i figured out a good schedule. 

Monday: Upload the comic to Webtoon & rest

Tuesday: work on the script and storyboard

Wednesday: Sketch out the whole chapter

Thurs-Sun: line, colour, shade whole chapter

So far im on schedule, and i uploaded a bunch of stuff to my patreon, im waiting for a video to upload to youtube, its like 35 mins long, but its real time speed drawings of me drawing out those panels. 

ive been pretty de-motivated again today, i didnt really know what to do about it, i was sore from running at the gym yesterday, and just generally tired. i tried to push through though bc i know i have work to do, and i know i need to do this. i love the story, especially with the newest additions and edits. It sets everything up perfectly, i think im just getting burnt out. but the burnout is probably worth the effort. I need to keep pushing. 

im doing a breathing exercise on my fitbit rn, im so sleepy, but myfriend has been offline all day so i dont wanna leave her just yet, since we just started talking today. so ill probably stay up another hour or so. 

i cant wait to do episode 3 btw, its gonna be so pretty and nice ugh. winning this contest would be amazing, but i honestly doubt i will. 

anyway, im charging my apple pencil for tomorroe before i plug in my ipad. im pretty sleepy so ill probably be heading to bed pretty soon, i hope my friend is more available tomorrow- i mean, its been nice that shes been busy and working since i get more work done, but i miss talking to her. 

[cyberdelusionphilosopher-blog]

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Auto insurance for teen questions?

okay so for my 17th birthday (when i get my G2) i want to buy my own car. I've done a few quotes and found Im going to be paying practically 10k per year...more than the cost of the car! however, if i was female it would be like 4k. would it work if i had the car registered in my girlfriends name and the insurance in her name, but i paid and i always drove it. if i was pulled over i'd just say Im boring my girlfriends car? is that legal?""

Long term care insurance - John Hancock or Genworth?

Which is a better company to go with, any thoughts? Long term care insurance is so expensive and I don't want to make a wrong decsion, thanks for your help!""

What is the cheapest car and year range to insure for 18 year old?

My wife is 18 and got her license a few months back. What would be the cheapest car and of what year range, if insured in the USA? Which insurance companies insure 18 year olds, as I am aware most dont.""

How to get insurance when pregnant?

whats the fastest way to get insurance when pregnant im already about 14 weeks

Is there a new law about not having car insurance?

i heard the law had just changed in California and my insurance just ran out in order to renew i need to drive to the bank and im not sure if i can with no insurance

How much would it cost for insurance for a 2001 Lamborghini Diablo? Haven't found anything online.?

Me and my friend were just online looking up Lamborghini prices and was wondering what the insurace would be. Couldn't find anything online that would give a quote. Anyone know where to go or know this?

I have a full uk car licence what do i put on my moped insurance?

my licence is full uk car and i done my cbt but when i look online to do insurance quotes and select licence type it always colmes up full moped, provisional moped, full motorcycle, european moped etc and no full uk car what licence type shall i put because of this ?""

Does anyone know of cheap insurance?

I just recently found out I have a nodule on my thyroid but I have no medical insurance. Its causing me relationship problems. I need help quick. I had a lung removed three years ago due to a cancer scare the doctors all thought it was cancer. The first place thyroid cancer matastisies to is the lung now Im afraid.

""In California, do you have to have insurance on your boat?""

ive never had insurance on my boat before,,,

No proof of insurance ticket LOS ANGELES CA ?

I got pulled over for speeding. Got a ticket for no proof of insurance. but now i have insurance .. i am 17 and i just wanna know whats gonna happen tomorrow in court ? and on the ticket it says (((People of the state or California Vs. me))) whats going to happened in the court?, are there going to be people watching me ? and ima take my grandma ? also if i cant pay the fine can do community service ? how many hrs ?""

Does insurance compaines cover the person or the car at fault?

The girl that parks right next to me in my apartment swiped the side of my car. she is now claiming her friends park her car sometimes, but she knows she didn't hit my car. Personally her car is her responsibility and I feel like even if a friend of hers was parking when the incident happend, she is responsible for damages because its her car. Would she be responsible? Can I take her to court if she doesn't have insurance? And if she does have insurance would they cover this? I also have good pics.""

Car insurance quotes?

im just snooping around through car insurance websites figuring out which 1 is the cheapest for my ride...so imade a quote or did a quote at a car insurance website which it said how much ima pay each month but ididnt want car insurance yet..so my question is when imade that quote do ihave to each month which the website said NOW? or is it just telling when isign up for that company thats how much ima pay?...(iwant car insurance but looking for the cheapest so imade that quote in accident)

How much would a health insurance company charge to insure a 55yr. man with colitis?

How much would a health insurance company charge to insure a 55yr. man with colitis?

Price Would Car Insurance?

I have like no idea how everything works.. what would be a good starting car to just start driving in? im 17 soon and ill be going for my driving lessons soon.. and i want to know what the sort of insurance prices would be for an 18 year old..thanks x Sorry if i talk too much lol.

Can a convicted felon obtain a licence to sell insurance?

I am a 33 yr old female in Texas with a federal coviction. Can I obtain an insurance license to start my own business? I have been selling insurance for the past 3 years and I would like to open my own franchise. Is it possible, if so where/how can I start?""

Where is the best place to purchase product liability insurance?

Need product liability insurance for imported hardwood flooring.

Which company health insurance policy is best?

Which company health insurance policy is best?

Is car insurance cheaper in the US compared to UK?

Is car insurance cheaper in the US compared to UK? wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't since you are allowed to start driving at the age of 16 in US.

How much will car insurance cost for a 17 year old in the UK?

I'm 16 years old, and 17 in a few months. I have a car already, in the garage. It's a Peugot 106, and my mum bought it for 350. I live in Newcastle, and I would like to know a rough price on the insurance? Realistically, around the region of 1000-3000 ect...""

Is it a bad idea to get your own car insurance at 18?

I wanna get my own car insurance! I wanted to know if it would be a bad idea or a good life lesson! Is it true that car insurance cost more with new cars? Because I want to get a 05 Suzuki Forenza! It's a used car it's only 2,000! Any parents out there please help! I need all the advice I can get before I turn 18!! Thanks!!""

How much do you think it would cost for a 20yr old to insure a toyota yaris?

Ok so I have my heart set on owning a Toyota yaris. I want a new ish car, I'm thinking of a 59 plate which would probably cost me around 6700, which I'm willing to spend. However I'm really confused by the insurance. In my head I anticipate that the insurance would cost me anywhere upto 2000 with me only being 20. But I went on a price comparison website and entered my details as accurately as possibly and it quoted me the lowest comprehensive cover price of about 500. I only want a 1.0 litre engine Toyota and I know that its in insurance group 2 or 3, but surely the insurance would be far more than that?! How much do you think it would cost to insure. I passed my test 3years ago and have been on my parents insurance since!""

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Car insurance question?

how much is car insurance for a Mitsubishi lancer for a young driver

Can I own a car without insurance in NY?

I recently moved to New York from Illinois due to family issue. I am overwhelmed by the heavy traffic and how difficult it is to drive in NY. Fortunately the public transportation is convenient enough so I don't bother driving my car at all and about to sell it. However, my insurance is about to expire in days and I won't be driving this car until someone buys it. The car is registered in Illinois. Can I still keep my car in NY without insurance? What do I have to do with my license plate? What procedures do I have to follow if I sells my car in NY? I've been working very hard try to earn enough money to put my family together, any pennies less to spend is very helpful to my current situtation. Please if anyone can answer it! Much appreciated.""

Should i sue my auto insurance company?

On the morning of Sept 14, 2011 my sister woke me up at home asking me where my car was. I went outside to discover my vehicle was gone. So I call the police to come and take a report but of course there wasn't enough officers on duty to send one out so I wake up my brother to get a ride to the station. Keep in mind this is between 2:30-5:00am and the last time I actually saw my car was Sept 13, 2011 at approx 11pm. I arrive at the police station where I make a report, they take down all the info and send me home with the report. Approx 1 hour later they call me and say my vehicle was recovered in a nearby city and they gave me the number to that police station. So I hurry to call them but of course they were closed until 8am. At 8am I call them they said bring my ID and insurance info to recover the vehicle. I go down there and ask questions but they told me they weren't allowed to disclose any information about who, what, were, or when the incident occurred because of confidentiality. They told me I would have to pay the towing and storage fee to recover my car from the impound. So I left and went to the impound paid $218.00 to discover that my vehicle had been totaled. So I had it towed to my house where I called the insurance company to report this. After I reported this incident they took a recorded statement and gave me a claim number. I waited for 2days for my adjuster to call me back and he never did. about 2 weeks later my adjuster calls and leaves me a message saying he needed another recorded statement and to call him back. I call back and got his voice mail. I spoke to one of his colleagues and they said they would send him and his manager a memo to call me back..well that never happened. 1 week after that I get a packet in the mail asking for my cell phone records, keys to the vehicle, and a notarized affidavit. I sent these things back and then a detective from the insurance company calls me and said there were red flags and he needed to get a video recorded statement. I agreed and went to give the statement. A few days later a detective from the police department where my car was recovered from calls me and tells me that my youngest son's father was with some friends at a nightclub were a drive-by shooting occurred and my son's father wasn't shot but the young man he was with was and as a result of them trying to escape the scene my car was crashed. As they arrived to the scene and asked questions about what happened my son's father would not admit he was driving the vehicle, and because they didn't actually see him driving or pull him over they could not prosecute. The detective asked me did I know anything about this incident and I replied hell no! The night of the incident my son's father had came to my house around 3am but never mentioned anything of course because he knows I would have tried to kill him. He also knows I would have been pissed because I never let him drive my car for the 3 years that I have known him, he has never had a license. She ask me was it ok to list him as a suspect and I told her Yes! I let her know that he did not have permission to drive my car under any circumstances. The very next day the detective from the insurance company called me and ask me what was my son's father name and what where the numbers that where called on my cell phone records. He asked why did he call me at 2:54am, I explained he wanted to let me know he was on his way over which wasn't out of the ordinary for him to do. So then the detective tells me my story stinks and I need to withdraw my claim because on my interview I didn't disclose that my boyfriend had come to my house. I told him why did I need to disclose who was sleeping in my bed if it had nothing to do with my car. I mean we know now he had something to do with it but I didn't know then. He told me the police detective also had the keys to my car which was a lie. It clearly states on the impound record that they had no keys. Not to mention the car has broken locks and loose wires I guess he didn't read that part of the report. He also told me I was trying to cover for my son's dad to get the car covered. I told him he could arrest him for GTA for all I care. My car was stolen and no matter who stole it I'm the victim and of course I want my car covered. He then said he was denying the claim and sending the case to the Department of Insurance to see if fraud was committed. Im beyond frustrated because I have nothing to do with what my son's dad did. Should I sue?""

Car insurance help and rules?

Okay so I am 18 years old living on my own completely dependent. Now if I put my dad as a secondary owner to my car so I still have possession of it and got on his insurance would it be cheaper? Or would it have to be his car. I live in Oregon by the way. And also could I get better rates if say I got on my grandma's insurance? Is that possible considering she isn't my guardian or anything and I don't live with her? Because she has the best credit known to man and I know that affects your rates. If you have have any tip on how I can stop paying 250 a month on my 94 Accord which is 4 door (yes I'm getting very raped by American Family) I would appreciate it.

Sports cars with cheap insurance?

I am 16 and I am looking for a sporty looking car, with good horsepower, but that wont kill me with the insurance rates like Mustangs, Camaro's and Trans Am's would. Any suggestions?""

How do I get all my old insurance names?

Hiya. Im struggling to find a way to get my information. Most of us dont keep all our old paperwork. Been driving for 6 years but cant remember even who the companys where. Any way of finding out or are they lost forever? Is it also possible to claim on possible ppi on car insurance?

What is the renewal process for car insurance?

Do they call in around expiration of the policy. Or is it a form you fill out. What questions do they ask? In particular, say you failed your G test before the expiry of the insurance policy and you redo everything and get a G or G2, will your insurance rate remain the same?""

Obamacare health insurance rebates?

My school requires a mandatory student health insurance plan and i had this for the last 3 years. With the Affordable Care Act, the Govt. requires health insurance companies to pay back some of the premium it if less than 80% is used on medical care or more than 20% is used on administrative costs. I did not use my health insurance at all during the last 3 years. Will i get get a rebate of some kind? Should i call my school and ask for a health insurance rebate for last year?""

How much is insurance for a 16 year old boy?

my names Alex im 16 years old and i have my license and a job. i have to cars a 1978 Cadillac coupe Deville and runs perfect but really bad on gas and a 1980 camaro sports coupe sitting since 1994 but runs witch car would be cheaper on insurance

Where to buy cheap car ins?

who has the cheapest car insurance

Insurance higher on Acura or Honda?

Purchasing a car either 2010 Acura csx or 2013 Honda civic , and I'm curious if the insurance would be higher on one or the other? Any opinions would be awesome. Thanks in advance!""

How much would insurance cost me on a v6 camaro?

it is a 1988 camaro and i would just have the cheapest coverage and i am 16 any ideas on how much it would cost me?

Insurance for an SRT-10?

Hi is there anyone out there (in the UK) who knows of an insurance company that does a good deal on SRT-10 fully comp. I'm struggling to get it under 1200.00 per year, and the one I am going to buy is upgraded to 600BHP as well, so I know I'll pay more for this on top""

Im looking for affordable health insurance?

we are looking for affordable health insurance my boyfriendd is in so much pain he can barley move his shoulder any answers areappreciateded thanks

How much does it cost to insure a child care center?

I am enrolled in a college course called Administration of Early Childhood Programs. My final project is creating my own child care center (the project covers everything and is very detailed so we can use our materials if we actually do open up a center). Anyways, I am stuck on one part of my budget. I have been researching for hours and cannot find what my estimated cost of what liability insurance would cost me per year. Because this business does not actually exist I am having difficulties obtaining a quote from insurance companies. My center is licensed for 140 children at one time. If anyone has an estimated cost or a source that would give me an average cost per child or an insurance estimate calculator or anything like that would really help. Thanks!""

Does Car Insurance increase after an accident on Learner Insurance.?

Hi, I am a few weeks away from my test, and have been driving with my parents with my mums car. I have insurance on the car for a month with a private website. Today, I had an accident with another learner, where the edge of my car scraped the edge of the learner's car. The damage was only a few scratches, but apparently it's going to cost around 300. My dad is pondering whether to go privately and pay the learner the money, or go through the insurance I have. His main concern is that if I go through insurance, then when I pass, my insurance price will be a lot higher than without. If I pass and get insurance, will this accident be notified by the companies, who may increase the price of my insurance? Thanks""

Typical insurance rate of a used Chevy Impala?

I'm purchasing a car soon and I was wondering what the insurance rates would be for a 2000-2005 Chevy Impala. I know there is various factors that go into it, but is a 4 door Impala of any kind considered a sports car/have a higher insurance rate because of the car, or would it be the equivelant of a regular family car? Also, would a Pontiac Grand Prix sedan of the same years have a high/similiar insurance rate? I'm 17 years old and I'm getting my license soon. Thank you!""

How much will my liability insurance be a month?

I'm buying a 1996 Mitsubishi eclipse gs and I'm a 16 year old girl. I'm completely paying it off. So roughly how much will my insurance be a month? Any tips for a first time car owner?

Can my car be on my parents car insurance?

Im 19 years old and im buying a car and would like to know if my car can be on my parents insurance. The car will be in my name only, my old car was in their names so therefore it was on the insurance. I have been under their insurance for the past 3 years. i would like to know if im able to be under my parents insurance.""

How much should I be paying a month in car insurance?

I'm going to be buying a car hopefully in the next two weeks, and I'm just wondering what the average rate I should be paying for car insurance should be. I'm 23, live with my parents, would be parking in the garage, and the car I would be buying is a 2012 Honda Civic LX. I would mostly be using it for commuting to and from work, I've never had a car before so I know it's probably going to be somewhere around $300/month. Note: I live in Canada so if you're in the states there will probably be a big difference in how much I pay.""

Need Health Insurance!?

My husbands company doesnt provide benefits. We have three kids and need health insurance. We have been looking but all the insurance you can find is like $10000, $5000, $3000 deductible, 20% co-insurance, pay nothing AFTER deductible for office visit and $500~$1000 premium.unbelievable!. We cant get states insurance because our income is little high (middle class). What can we do to get regular insurance for my family?""

How many questions are on the California Fire and Casualty insurance exam?

I am currently attending online classes at AD Banker for Fire and Casualty insurance. Does anyone have any idea how many questions are on the state exam?

When buying a phone online can you get phone insurance?

so i have insurance on my phone now through sprint and if i buy a phone online like ebay or something and switch it can i keep the insurance of the new phone?

How much do you pay for car insurance a month?

i have a 2001 Toyota Rav 4 and my parents tell me to give them $100 a month for car insurance, does that sound right? how much does car insurance usually cost?""

Car Insurance for young driver?

Hi, I'm currently doing my drivers licence and should get it by the end of next month and I'm just confused about the cost of insurance.... I'm planing to buy small Fiat which is Insurance Group 5 and I looked up for costs through money supermarket and the cheapest deal was over 9000 for a year and that's just ridiculous so I'm a bit confused about it and don't know if i did something wrong when filled the information but anyway what the average cost should be like? Thanks in advance""

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Cheapest and best flood insurance?

I live in Az and was told my townhome was is in a flood zone and I need flood insurance. How much does this cost and wheres the cheapest place to get it. Another guy in the unit next to me said his mortgage company forced the insurance on his loan and it was 2,500 a year so his mortgage went up 300 a month!! thats seems like an insane amount? Please help.""

What kind of business insurance is needed for a small business retail store?

& on average, how much does it cost (it will be in Brookly/NYC)""

Insurance on Rx-8 for a 29yr old male?

I'm almost 29 and I'm thinking of buying a Mazda Rx-8, the 230bhp version. I've got 2 yrs no claims and was wondering if anyone of similar age has one and if they could give me an idea of what the insurance would cost in Ireland??""

My Car Insurance won't cover this?!?!?

I got into an accident on a rainy day. I did not hold collision or comprehensive. Because I skidded into a ditch and the car rolled, an oil leak occurred. The fire department came and had to put oil dry on the oil leak which was saturating the ground. I hold all the other coverages (liability/property damage, underinsured/uninsured motorist/medical). The fire department bill for the oil leak clean up / hazard removal was $500. The car insurance company says it falls under collision and since I don't have it they don't have to pay out the $500. I insisted it was under liability / property damage as the oil leak is a hazard and causes property damage. Is this fair that they said it falls under collision? Or should I fight it. If so how?""

Am I required to get rental car insurance if I don't have my own auto insurance?

I am planning to sell my car and cancel my auto insurance. If I want to rent a car, am I required to buy their rental car insurance, since I wouldn't have any other auto insurance otherwise?""

""I am 18 years old and have 6 points on my driving license, will my insurance cost go down after a year?

I currently aren't on any insurance policy!

Where Can I find good dental insurance?

I need dental insurance that will cover oral surgery, as I have 2 ingrown wisdom teeth.""

Is additional insurance for teens required in California? (please read further)?

Does a teen driver in California need to be put on their parents' insurance policy even though they're already covered? Here in the DMV handbook under the heading Accidents, Insurance, and Minors it says: If you are under 18 years of age, your parents sign your license application and assume financial responsibility for your driving unless they ask DMV to cancel your license. When you reach age 18, your parents' liability automatically ends. Does this mean a teen is covered no matter what until age 18? Or should they still be added on to the policy?""

Does Bupa insurance cover child birth in USA?

Does Bupa insurance cover child birth in USA? and what is the steps for that?

What is the average cost of health insurance and garbage bills? help im doing a project!!?

im doing i project and i cant seem to find the average cost of health insurance and garbage bills per month. i need a estimate and a website to prove i found it. please help this is worth 100 points and its due tomorrow and i need to get to bed soon!

Who will pay the medical and funereal fees?

My boyfriends son was killed by a man who ran a red light. His son was NO way at fault. The man has 15,000 coverage on his insurance (california) and that's it. Bare minimum, so now what is done with the 35,000 left for costs not paid by medical ins ect... I feel it would be so unfair for him to have to pay for the costs when his son has passed away, so not fair.""

""I just got my m2 on the weekend and i need to find the best motorcycle insurance rate I can, 18 M in Ontario?

recieved my motorcycle m1 in march this year and m2 lastweekend. I hold my G license since january 2011 and have a perfect driving record. I need to find a insurance company that will insure me. 18 year old male in Ontario looking at a bike between 250 and 500cc. Thanks

Liability Insurance for Kids?

What is the most important liability insurance for young people?

CA DUI expungement affect insurance rates?

I received a DUI back in July of 2001, and it has been affecting my insurance rate ever since. Under the new DUI laws the DUI I received (a misdemeanor) will be on my record until 2011. I qualify for expungement of this record. My question is if I do expunge my DUI will my auto insurance company be able to see my dmv record and will my insurance company be allowed to charge me the same rate?""

Does anyone knows an affordable weight loss camp for a 20 years old?

I am desperate to lose weight and i need a healthy, but affordable way to do so in the Florida area OR new England""

Why did my car insurance rates suddenly double?

I am almost 40, have a spotless driving record, have the same car, haven't changed the policy, and haven't moved. So how can my insurance agent just up my rates all of the sudden and not give me an answer why. He just says that things change. Is there an industry standard or can agents just screw with us at will? I have been with this WELL known insurance company for 4 years. This isn't some guy working out of his garage. Any experts out there that can shed some light on this for me. I am shopping around for new insurance as i type.""

Does anyone know of any dependable and affordable health insurance for young adults?

Does anyone know of any dependable and affordable health insurance for young adults?

""Receiving life insurance prodeeds, and my chapter 7 bankruptcy?

Can the trustee take my money that I will be receiveing from my moms life insurance policy?

How does this car insurance thing work?

and where can you get car insurance quotes.

Car Insurance coverage question...?

Here is my question, CA policy I have three cars under my policy, I have now passed on one of them to my younger sister who is 21 and lives 50 miles away. However, she is NOT under my insurance policy and I am worried that my insurance won't cover her if something were to happen. I was told by a friend of mine who is an insurance agent that ANY insurance company in CA has to cover her if she has a valid license and does NOT live in the same household as the policyholder (coverage would be extended to her also as long as I verify she was authorized to drive the car). Is this true?""

""If you have Amica car insurance, how much does 1 speeding ticket cost you?""

I live in Massachusetts. Have a perfect driving record but now I'm charged with 1 speeding ticket. How much more in insurance premiums will it cost me if I plead guilty? It's a regular speeding ticket, not DUI or wreckless driving. THanks""

What make and model of car is cheap to insure?

Hi. I am learning to drive and need a car to practice/run around in. I'm looking for one I can get that has been used, cheap to insure (group 1 - 3) and cheap road tax (Band A-C). Any cars that I have found cheap insurance and/or cheap road tax is only so if its bought new at 1000s of pounds. My maximum is 1000 for the car itself. Any makes and models please? thank you""

Can someone tell me what the cheapest car insurance is for college students?

Can someone tell me what the cheapest car insurance is for college students?

Is it true that if you buy a brand new car the car insurance will be much more than a second hand car?

Why?? I'm going to buy the very first car for me (a mazda 3 hatchpack 2006 or 2008..) and I want it to be new cause I can afford any price. But my dad keeps telling me not to buy a new car cause i won't be having good bennefits from it..such as the car insurance. It will be higher than a second hand car's...around 1000 euros every year. Also the car insurance must be full if it's a new car and I should have it on 1/3 cause its cheaper. So if it's a new car I can't have it on 1/3. What do you think I should do? I really want that car and that's why I want it to be new..cause it's the one I've always wanted!

Why would insurance cost me 500 quid for a 50cc bike?

Im wanting to purchase a 50cc bike, derbi gpr 50 racing, 2009. it would be kept in a garage, and im only looking for third party cover. the bike costs 1650, and i have passed my cbt and have a provisional license. do i even need insurance?""

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Is there Low Cost Health Insurance for a 60 yr old?

Is there Low Cost Health Insurance for a 60 yr old? I am shopping around for health Ins. for my mother in law, is there something in California, that's not expensive. Can i get medical or something? Please help.""

Do you have to get insurance as soon as you get your license?

I plan on going to get my drivers license in a few weeks (hopefully I pass!) and I've been told you have to have insurance right away. I'm currently on my parents plan with my permit but it's not costing them anything. Their agent said to immediately notify her once I get my license. Could she have said this just because she thought I would be getting a car? I don't plan on getting a car anytime soon but drive my parents cars occasionally. So will the insurance go up any if I don't have my own car that needs to be insured? If so will it be a lot? All answers will be greatly appreciated, because my parents are trying to make me put off getting my license because their car insurance is sky high already because of all the tickets & wrecks my brother has gotten in & I really want my license! Thanks in advance!""

How much is boat insurance?

I am going to liveaboard a 29ft sailing boat worth about 35000 purely based in a local marina. I need 2M worth of public liability insurance, any idea on the cost of an annual policy?Thanks in advance.""

""What is the average cost of car insurance for a 25 y/o female, no accidents, no tickets, 2008 car.?""

Please help give me an idea of the cost for car insurance. Comprehensive vs. Collision? I'll be buying a 2007 or 2008 mid-range sedan (VW Jetta, Toyota Corrolla, etc.). I've never gotten in an accident or gotten a ticket. And of course, I'm a female :) Any help is appreciated! Thanks.""

How does business insurance work in a lawsuit?

As a small business, I'm finally getting around to looking at business insurance. God forbid I should get sued, but that would be the only reason I would get insurance at this point. If I get sued (assuming I did nothing wrong that would terminate coverage), what are my responsibilities with regard to paying legal fees? What role will the insurance company play or what control will they have in the litigation process?""

What kind of car insurance do I need if I want to be the main driver of my parent's car away from home?

My parents own a car that they're letting me use for school. I live in southern California, but I attend school in Northern California. I'll be bringing the car up for normal use during the school year, and it will be garaged there except during summer. Do I need to buy my own car insurance, or will it work out if I just get added to my parent's insurance?""

What is the average cost of replacing a water heater? Which would you choose insurance payment or heater?

My water heater needs to be replaced (electric) I have a warranty insurance that will replace it however there are a few non covered costs - the pan, the permit, some other part, it will cost me $512.00. They have given me the option to cash out which means they cut me a check and I try to figure it out on my own. Problem is the cashout amount is unknown and it will take up to two weeks for me to find out what the amount is before i can even decide - two weeks without a hot shower is HELL! But I'm not sure what to do. What would you do? Can anyone guess as to what amount they MIGHT give me? The insurance company is American Home Shield. ANY advice will help. I'm a new home owner and don't know a thing about house stuff! Thanks!""

As a 22 female driver about how much would a 2010 camaro insurance cost? i have a perfect driving record?

As a 22 female driver about how much would a 2010 camaro insurance cost? i have a perfect driving record?

""If a car insurance company office is closed, can you still insure the car on their website?""

If a car insurance company office is closed, can you still insure the car on their website?""

""Young married couple, low cost health insurance with Rx?""

I'm going to get married soon (not RLY soon but i have to start thinking about some things in advance) and I have to get health insurance. I'm really confused by it but I've been doing some reading about it and some figures about the kind of finances we are going to have and all I really know at this point is that we can't afford more than 200 dollars per month and that has to include prescriptions and everything. My soon to be husband is really healthy, only real issue is near-sightedness. I'm a little more sickly, I have asthma and allergies and the same eye problems. I keep them all pretty much under control but I need my meds. What plan would be best for us so that we can keep costs low and still get me my Rx?""

Will a provisional influence car insurance?

Hi guys, Im thinking about getting myself a car when Im 17 and Im looking into the insurance and what type to look for so I can save and know what Im looking for. So I was wondering if I have a provisional moped license will that help to lower my car insurance? and what car should I be looking for that cheap and easy to run and best on the insurance. Thanks in advance for your help.""

Married Young and Health Insurance?

I am 19 and my fiance is 22. I have a few questions about health insurance. I am currently covered by my mom's health insurance provider and my fiance does not have health insurance currently. When we get married, what will be the best deal to get health insurance for both of us. Would I be able to stay on my moms until I am 26. I was just reading a few things. I will put the link here. Thanks! http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq-dependentcoverage.html""

How much would my insurance cost . . .?

If I am 16 and driving a 2007 Scion TC that is completely paid for ?

How much to lease a car (WITH insurance)?

How much is it to lease an economic car (in Canada please), with insurance calculated into the mix? I am willing to pay 4-500 altogether, is this enough? Practical examples from people who lease their car, with how much they pay, etc, would be most helpful. (I am a recent graduate at the verge of starting an entry-level position). I am looking into VW golf and honda civic (hatchback).""

Can two insurance agents get different quotes?

Two local agents both from State Farm, different agencies though...Can they get different quotes or will it all be the same since it's all State Farm? Thanks!""

Need help on polo 2004 1.4 car insurance and road tax?

hi can anyone tell me or give an estimate how much the polo 2004 1.4 will cost me for insurance and tax, am 21 and this will be my first car help""

Can someone give me advice on good health insurance that offers maternity coverage??

I am looking into individual health insurance because my hubby and I are trying to conceive and I don't have any. I know I need to have it BEFORE i become pregnant. I don't know a thing about insurance and can't seem to find any insurance companies that offer maternity coverage.......I work for a temp agency and have worked for them for a year and a half and their insurance is astronomical so I'm looking on my own. My hubby doesn't have insurance where he works as a mechanic so i can't get it through his insurance. Any advice would help!!!!

Is Health Insurance Innovation a good insurance company?

I'm scouting for a cheaper health insurance plan and so far Health Insurance Innovation offers a cheaper price. It's $50/month for pretty basic stuff and it's $2500 deductible.

Two hit and run claims in one year ... are they gonna stick it to me with my insurance rates?

One car parked outside my house, got sideswiped earlier this year and of course, I had no idea who (middle of the night hit and run). I made a claim against the insurance to fix it, and they ended up paying out about $750. My OTHER car had the same thing happen to it yesterday morning (I found out when I went to go to work) so I got an estimate at lunch and it's gonna be at least $2500 to repair THIS damage (at the insurance companie's preferred shop). No suspects, no witnesses, nobody to point the finger at. $250 deductible I can manage to scrape together, but ... will my insurance company (Nationwide) hike my rates, and if they do is it likely to be a little or a LOT ? I've had them for four years, I have mediocre credit but a spotless driving record, and now TWO no fault claims in 2008 ... I haven't called them yet to report it, but I probably need to TODAY if I am going to ...""

How can I find a good car insurance comp. if I don't have a driver licence? I can't get a drivers lic. help!

I can't get a driver lic. because I don't have a social #, and I can't get a social # because I don't have a visa, BUT I know in Houston Tx, I can get car insurance like I'm now, but which one with a affordable price? please help!!!!""

""Buying new car, Insurance buying question?""

I want some insurance details about buying a new car from a dealership. Am I required to buy insurance before taking it off the lot after buying it (except in test drives, which the car is insured by the dealership??), or is there a grace period that you can drive without insurance? For instance, when I go in to buy a car, should I have already contacted an insurance agency and gotten quotes to be able to call them and get insured before I drive it off the lot?""

Is there a big differents in the price of car insurance?

hi is there a big differents in the price of car insurance between a mini copper and a mini one for a first car for a 17 year old

What do liquor liability insurance papers look like?

Like if you need to confirm that you have it, what do you show people?""

Would you be in favor of health insurance plans that cost less but force you to make lifestyle changes?

I saw somewhere that an estimated 90% of diabetes, 70% of heart disease, and 60% of cancer cases are directly related to either obesity, sedentary lifestyle, tobacco use, or drinking outside of moderation. For the amount of people that whine about drug prices, insurance costs, and drug bills, 1 out of 3 americans is overweight, something like 1 in 5 americans over 50 or 60 or something are diabetic or prediabetic (each case of diabetes costs an average of $10k per year in treatment and complications), and about 1 in 3 die of heart disease. People do not take personal responsibility for themselves, and they cost society a lot of money. Would you support an insurance plan that would be lower cost, but would drop your coverage if you developed a chronic disease like diabetes or something, and failed to get your weight down to a certain goal, mange you condition, etc. or maybe COPD and maybe you would have to quit smoking within 6 months, etc etc? Would you join the plan? Is it fair?""

How to calculate car insurance policy premium refund?

I sold my car one week after renewing my car insurance policy. I required to cancel my policy and asked for the refund. The first time I faxed them my cancellation letter, they asked me to call back after 2 weeks to ask for the check. But after 2 weeks, they told me they didn't received my fax and asked me to pay for the extra 2 weeks, although I have evidences that I required to cancel my policy 2 weeks ago. Also when I renewed my policy, I told the agent that I will sell my car within 2 weeks, so the agent told me I can only pay 32% of the half year policy premium. But now when I asked for refund, he told me that because I only paid 32% of the total amount, they will charge me more (53% more) and refund me much less. Is this common in this industry or they just try to steal money from me? Thanks.""

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

Waverly Illinois Cheap car insurance quotes zip 62692

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