#im like. basically ashamed of it and so I just wanna deny

[lady-caden]

Tbh i think I'm aro/ace and maybe that's why relationships are so whatever for me and that's why I have a hard time telling between platonic vs romantic. Or at least I'm somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum

[bexalert]

Jjk characters and physical affection

CUZ IM A WHORE AND I NEED THEM BADLY !!!

(Itadori, Fushiguro, Inumaki, Choso, Maki)

Itadori Yuji:

AHHHH

Ok this man is so into you first of all

Like he is not ashamed

PDA!!!

He’s always got an arm around your shoulders, or around your waist, or holding your hand

He’s a huge teddy bear

When you cuddle it just becomes a tangle of limbs

Like he’s all over you

Borderline suffocating you, and he’s so hot (temperature wise)

He falls asleep so easily too

You’ll be dying, crushed under his weight and he’s just slumped

He loves to just squeeze you!!!

Pecks all over your face

Anywhere he can reach he will be smooching!!!

He likes to sneak up behind you and pick you up

Tickle attacks 😔

HE JUST LOVES SEEING YOU SMILE AHHH

Just always has this big stupid goofy grin on his face when he’s with you

He’s cool with any cuddling position, but he likes when you lay on his chest

He’s just the biggest sweetheart at all times!!!

Fushiguro Megumi:

SHY

He might hold your hand in public, but don’t you dare make a big deal

Or else he’ll huff and pull his hands away

I feel like he does get a little jealous though

Like if people hit on you he’ll all the sudden wrap an arm around your shoulders and glare at them

“They’re taken.”

And then you’re walking away

He’ll deny it to anyone, though, if it’s brought up

LITTLE SPOON!!!

He won’t admit it, but he likes being little spoon

He also just like holding your hands

Like facing eachother in bed, and just holding hands

He likes to admire you while you sleep

Not in a weird way, he’s just too embarrassed to do it while you’re awake

He’ll hold your face and just memorize all your features

He’s so gentle ☹️☹️☹️

Treats you like porcelain

He loves to kiss your forehead

He’s just such a cutie

Inumaki Toge:

He loves to hold your hand

Like your hands are always intertwined, no matter WHAT

He doesn’t care if anyone teases him

If people hit on you he’ll be like 🤨 huh

Cuz do they not see you’re holding HIS hand

He’ll stand in front of you, blocking the persons view of you

“Bonito flakes.”

And the person is just left in awe

He’s a little basic

He just likes hugging

Just you two holding eachother ☹️

Obviously he’s very quiet, but he loves to hear you talk

He’ll listen to you talk about your day and just be like mhm mhm

He kisss you on the tip of your nose 😭😭😭

He’d spell things onto your skin and have you guess what he’s trying to say

He’d tickle you, but he WILL NOT let you tickle him

Like bro genuinely starts tweaking

He runs away

Like a kid playing tag then going “I DONT WANNA PLAY ANYMORE” that’s him

He’s ticklish ok leave him alone

He kisses your knuckles sorry I don’t make the rules

HEHEHE I LOVE HIM OK

Choso:

He’s a little shy 🤭

But he’s got the spirit!

Like he’ll hold your hand, and then hide his red face in his other hand

He loves giving back hugs

JAW KISSES 💔💔💔

He’s very vocal about how he feels

“You’re so pretty.”

And he’s kind of matter of fact about it

Like if you’re insecure about how you look he’ll be like “🧐 What?”

And then proceed to point out how and why everything about you is GORGEOUS

He likes giving piggy back rides

He’ll hold your hands, and stare at every little detail.

Your cuticles, your nails, your joints, the wrinkles on the skin

He kisses your neck

He’s a thigh man.

Big spoon

But also little spoon

He likes them both !!!

Zen’in Maki:

She keeps her arm FIRMLY around your waist or shoulder

Everyones gonna know that you’re with her

She thinks it’s so funny when people try to hit on you

She’ll laugh at them

“No, go on.” while she’s making fun of them

Cuz she knows they’re not competition

She teases you

A little mean, but she can’t help it

She just loves seeing your face when you’re flustered

She likes holding you, like being big spoon, or your head in her chest

As long as she can hold you tightly, she’s happy.

Shoulder kisses no doubt

She’ll hold you from behind and leave little pecks across your shoulders

She likes forehead kisses

Move her bangs and give a little smooch and she is gone

Absolutely whipped but she won’t ever admit it

sorry guys I’m freaktastic

[pakunodasgun]

❤️ Small things that matter part 2

“Hey Sanji, uhm I wanna sketch a little but it’s kind of too noisy outside, is it ok if a sit here?” Asked the curly haired to the Straw Hats cook “Yeah, I don’t see a problem with it as long as you don’t interrupt me” Usopp smiled “Ok then! Thanks a lot! Promise I won’t distract you!”

And so the sniper took his stuff and sat on the dinning table to start his sketches, he passed through some pages and noticed his last drawing a sketch of Nami taking care of her tangerines, doing something she cared a lot about ‘Maybe… since Sanji is here, I could do a little sketch of him while he is cooking’ Usopp thought ‘Though I’m not sure how comfortable he is with that…’Usopp hesitated to start his drawing of the cook ‘Well… it’s not like he’ll see it…’ he ended up doing it anyway, he couldn’t resist it, it was the perfect opportunity, and now that he had the idea he couldn’t get it out of his head, so he started sketching.

Sanji was moving around, but Usopp was good at capturing live moments like he did with Nami, he started drawing the kitchen, he took a peek to make sure the cook didn’t notice him drawing him, he was apparently making some drinks, then he took another look and another and then another, but making sure the blonde wouldn’t notice him, but he wasn’t as slick as he thought he was.

The cook came close to him “What are you drawing?” He asked with a cigarette on his mouth “U-U-Uh nothing!!!!” He said as he hide his sketchbook “Nothing? Hmm, but I did hear your pen, I also noticed you looking my way” ‘Shit!’ Was all the sniper could think “Several times” ‘Shit!’ He thought again.

“Hmm, well, maybe you don’t want me to see what you are drawing, is that it?” The tall man asked “I-“ The cook looked at him as he tried to come up with a lie, at the end he couldn’t so he just said the truth “Y-yeah… you are right, I don’t want you t-to uhm see what I’m drawing…” He said shyly “And why may that be?” The cook asked calmly “Well… Im a little ashamed of it… I really didn’t want you to find out…”

The blonde one took a smoke out of his cigarette as he thought about what Usopp said “Could it be… that you where drawing me?” Usopp’s heart skipped a beat, he was able to read him so easily, the sniper took a big breath before answering in shame “Y-yes” was all that he could reply, he looked down, he couldn’t look at him in the eyes, but to Usopp’s surprise the cook smirked “May I see it?” He asked and Usopp’s heart skipped a beat again “Y-you mean you aren’t mad at me?!” The dark eyed asked “Why would I be?” Answered the blonde “W-well I was drawing you without… without your permission…” He answered shyly “Well I don’t mind” Usopp looked up “For real?” The curly haired asked, the blonde hummed in affirmations “I’m actually honored” He said, and Usopp still couldn’t believe it “Really?!” He said with sparks on his eyes “Yeah, I’m dying to see it, so… are you ok with showing it to me?” Sanji asked calmly “Well… If you want to see it so badly, I can’t deny it from you, specially since I didn’t ask for your permission to do it” Sanji laughed “Well show it to me then!” Usopp nodded.

His sketch wasn’t finished but the basics where there, it just needed a little more detail that he wasn’t able to add because Sanji came to him, he flipped the pages until he got to it “Sooo… here it is! It’s not a big deal! It’s not even finished! It’s just a little sketch” Sanji smiled “Well… I think it’s amazing” Usopp’s heart start beating so fast “R-really?” “Sure thing! I really like it, it feels…” He paused, he seemed to be looking for the right words “Delicate, like a lot of care was put into it, I feel like it captures my essence while I cook, even if to you is just a “simple sketch”, I think you did great, I- I like it a lot” Usopp couldn’t help but blush, he isn’t used to compliments AT ALL, and them coming from Sanji…

“OH! Well pst it was nothing! To the great captain Usopp this things are easy! Besides being an awesome captain and sniper, I am a incredible artist!” He said with pride “Well, the “Great Captain Usopp” was just sweating buckets about this drawing just seconds ago” Usopp raised his finger as if he was going to say something, but he took it down and admitted defeat as he sighed “Heh you got me there” He replied, Sanji smirked.

“Well great captain Usopp, I would love it for you to finish it and maybe let me keep it? After all you did draw me without my permission, is only fair I keep it” Usopp couldn’t argue with that “Oh well, yeah, you can keep it- Wait! Oh I ended up distracting you from cooking! Shooo shooo go back to cooking! And that way I can keep drawing you too!” Sanji laughed “Hey don’t think you can boss me around! Though you are right I should get back to making this drinks” He said as he headed back to the kitchen “As you said they are being pretty loud out there, they might get tired and I’ll have some drinks ready for them” Usopp smiled “Is there one for me?” Sanji’s back was turned on Usopp “Of course there is” He replied and Usopp smiled again, not knowing that Sanji was smiling too as he said it.

The Straw Hats cook went back to work and Usopp to sketching now drawing freely without any fears, this drawing wasn’t for him anymore, it was for Sanji, he was going to work hard on it, at the end the drinks where finished and so was the drawing, Sanji handed Usopp one, before going outside and handing them out for the rest of the crew, Usopp thanked him, when Sanji came back Usopp handed him the drawing and the man praised it with joy, Usopp blushed at the compliments “Next time draw a portrait of me, you can keep that one, but only if you capture my charm” Sanji said and Usopp laughed “I sure will” He answered.

Now only Sanji knows where that sketch Usopp did of him is, but I’m sure it’s somewhere special.

Link to part 1

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review (ch 90-91)

Since I discussed the first few pages of ch-90 that contains kyo & tohru in my previous preview, this one will only be kyoko’s story.

Kyoko’s story brilliantly explores the effects of unhealthy domestic environment on children without the use of the zodiac curse as a metaphor for abuse. My first-reaction of kyoko’s story is the following:

I really enjoyed how kyoko’s descend into darkness was explored & how the psychologically-informed writing of her behavior was depicted.

I was troubled by how Katsuya was presented as the magical solution to all her problems. Kyoko was saved by romantic love in a more basic writing than machi. Both girls just needed a guy to listen to them vent abt their family issues once & tada~ they’re in love.

Kyoko’s story made me realize that Arisa is just a more modern & healthier kyoko.. The only difference is that Kureno didn’t save Arisa. She herself changed gradually due to kyoko & tohru’s influence.

1) Kyoko’s descend into Darkness:

Kyokyo told kyo that she was already “out of control delinquent before she got to middle school”, “ fell into the wrong crowd”, “ enjoyed beating innocent ppl”. subtly citing the influence of “delinquent peers” & the innate desire be noticed at home. I’m bad, notice me! love me, listen to me!

There are some elements in her story that faintly reminds me of yuki & strongly reminds me of kyo:

Kyoko’s parents gave her a treatment similar to “ yuki’s parents”: cold, neglect & devoid of love. Her dad, similar to kyo’s dad, felt ashamed & disgraced by her.

Kyoko similarly to kyo was angry, full of self-loath & self-destruction. However, kyo was never violent like she was. I believe kyo’d have turned like her if he didn’t have Kazuma to discipline him with love, care & attention. Hence, we saw kyo carry on a code of “ not beating girls, or ppl who aren’t hurting them, or don’t know martial arts”, like Arisa or the student council guy whop loves yuki.

Kyoko’s mom similarly of kyo’s mom talked abt the dad venting his anger on her after being pissed off with kyoko. So, a hint of domestic violence between husband & wife.

Kyoko described herself as “ made of shattered glass”. Tohru once said both kyo & yuki are very sensitive. yuki blocks the world behind the prince mask & kyo puts on the annoyed attitude to push ppl away from hurting him.

Society thinks that “delinquent/bad ppl” are always happy with what they’ve become. Satisfied with their destructive choices. When in most of the times... they’re as bewildered & confused as the community around them..

I really don’t blame the teachers for being defensive. Teachers aren’t supposed to be “life-coaches” or “saviors of students”. That’s sth the educators with their research gush abt & what society demands & what families wish for. The fixer-teacher!!!! Teachers are ppl teaching a subject, doing a specific job, underpaid & overworked most of the times, also, they come from various backgrounds, beliefs, & sometimes even if they meant good & wanted to “ save” a student, they aren’t equipped with the suitable psychological training. Yeah, there are ppl for that in schools, but so many students with lots of issues. Also, let’s be real, we love kyoko cuz she’s the “epic mother of tohru, we grew on her teachings thro out 3 seasons” but if you meet a loud, delinquent, gangster head, violent chair throwing student who rarely comes anyway, would you wanna deal with them?

2- Katsuya “ the magical savior”:

so, why did teacher katsuya helped a screaming delinquent? cuz he IS interested in kyoko. He said so. He approached her, talked & tried to help cuz he intended to “never let her go since he saw her honesty” ~ romantic? maybe to some.. I find it weird & creepy. him eyeing her & getting interested & approaching her & earning her trust. It is true that he has no intention of hurting her or forcing her & he DID save her in more ways than one. But why is this all wrapped in romance. He DID flirt with her intentionally many times from the moment he saw her until then.

If Im being honest, had he not be her teacher (trainee or not), & had she not be very veeeeery young! I’d be enjoying his flirting so much. He’s so smooth, playful & cool (not looking head over heels in love) which is normally such a fun dynamics. She was so head over heels, tho. Finally found someone who noticed her tiny efforts “ drawing eyebrows”, someone who listened & someone who didn’t forced her to do her “duties”. She tells him (her teacher) that she is ditching classes & he’s okay with that~ not lecturing, not urging. why? cuz He only wants HER. she comes to see him in the lunch break everyday. school? classes? that’s her choice~ not his business~ In a way, Katsuya is intentionally made not morally correct. Why? cuz a good moral adult wouldn’t be in love with a middle schooler & would care for her future as an independent person from him. He must be written with intentional desire to NOT care for morals or right or the likes. Yes, he later helps her to study & graduate but ONLY when that is HER choice & she made it ONLY to catch up with him. To cleanse herself & be “ like the other girls” . Kyoko deemed katsuya “ good person” &  herself “ bad person”. That’s why she was motivated to be good to catch up with him since she can NO LONGER see him everyday in lunch break. He fixed that. How? teach her in the weekends & provide better chances to flirt since he’s no longer a teacher & she’s his student. The issue is not teacher-student love... it is adult-kid love!! but hey~ they’re cute (they’re written to be, so they are) so it’s cool ( it isn’t at all..eww).. oh the dilemma that is Takaya-san’s love for weird big age gaps where one is an underage teenager...

Furuba’s has this big theme of “ love doesn’t heal or save”. yuki took tohru’s love & grew up by himself. Kyo’s love for tohru didn’t save tohru, she was scared to be in love & forget her mom. Tohru made the decision to be free from her past, herself.  Tohru’s love to kyo made his trauma 10 times more complicated & he acted based on his love for her & decided to leave her. It wasnt until he decided to face his trauma, past & bio dad by himself, that he accepted tohru’s love. Only two characters were totally saved by love:

Machi: has the excuse of being solely created to be yuki’s reward for acknowledging platonic love for tohru & everything abt her is rushed & made as a lighter copy of all yuki’s issues to quickly create shared grounds for them to connect. Machi needed to vent her issues to yuki once & all her issues were never brought back to the service again. She was happier, calmer & healed.

I expected more for kyoko. She IS a bigger character than half of the zodiacs! but she just needed katsuya to listen to her & she was in love & her issues solved.

I don’t deny that it IS true that sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us. Tohru herself said so & even yuki said it to kyo. But Even if someone listen to us & we love them, the issues that troubled us dont magically disappear until we face them or do sth abt them aided by those who love us. Kyo’s issues remained even with his love until he faced them, tohru’s too!

Katsuya:

had off-screen issues with expressing himself. He said that he loved kyoko cuz she was “honest abt her ugly feelings” while he pretended to “humor & please his dad”. He gave a wonderful speech to her parents abt the expectations of parents on their kids & the refusal of their “human weakness” again furuba’s main vision. Unfortunately, this was followed with confessing, marriage proposal & kissing her on the lips all while the whole issue is abt kids/ parents exceptions of middle schooler/ neglect & his own acknowledgement that she’s minor while he was “in love”.

Like the author wants to tie kyoko’s issues & katsuya’s issues so bad & present him as her ONLY chance for normal life. Kyoko was just repenting & understanding that her actions got consequences which is an epic moment! but romance triumphant & saved the day~ yay~! marriage!

The story would’ve been better romantically if it was given time for kyoko to “ grow up” just like katsuya himself said when they were at the beach. He said “ grow up, middle school is not the world”. He continued meeting her but never confessed & never crossed the line despite the flirting. But he KNEW what he was doing “ i never planned to let you go since I saw you”. He was cementing his place as the ONLY one in her world.

Had kyoko grew up, saw the real world, kept taps with katsuya, he helped her broaden her world, then they’ll marry without needing her dad to sign papers, then that would be a better love story than this.

Side Notes:

The writer didn’t shy away from confessing that pairing Katsuya & kyoko is problematic & stated it in canon (kyoko called katsuya “pedo”). She did the same with Arisa & kureno (Arisa thought the age gap is big & hana questioned if kureno is a married man). However, making the story acknowledge that as an issues doesn’t make it less uncomfortable, but at least, I respect when writers do what they plan to do regardless of fans. even if I dont agree with the writer. It’s way better than when writer becoming fans toy/ fans pleaser.

Still, couldn’t the author state that kyoko was held back few years in jmiddle school & failed & repeated school years? like make her i duno 17 or sth... this would at least lessen the big age gap... but no~~~ kyoko is what? 14? ... -_-’.

You bet this won’t change a bit in the upcoming anime spinoff abt kyoko. Just this year an anime abt an adult man & his high school love interest that he pursued stubbornly was highly popular & my real life friends were gushing abt “ him finally winning her/ being respectful & only kissing her lips once or sth/waiting for her to “catch up” with him”/ consent age differ in X & Y countries..I’m not dictating my beliefs on anybody or any country or saying my way of thinking is the just way. I’m saying, Personally, I think, there are better romantic stories than adults & kids couples.. The fact that this trope of (adults & kids romance) is still popular even today is sad~~

I dont mind HUGE age gaps as long as BOTH characters are adults. If any of them makes a crime, they’ll be held responsible by the law. & sometimes the younger adult is the one dominating the relationship. but “kids or teenagers” can’t. They’re easily groomed & manipulated, so it bothers me when a love story between an adult & a kid is portrayed as  “equal”. it isn’t.

I’m not judging whoever loves such trope in “ fiction”. it IS fiction, & as long as you don't pursue a real kid/teenager in real life, you can like whatever in fiction. moving on~

kyoko’s delinquent life is well-written & if done right, would send a powerful message of being able to start over. But the romantic love aspect will steal the spotlight by (a) directing uncomfortable hate/disgust towards the story & hence all the discussions will abt the “pedo” aspect. (which is fair). (b) Perceived as so lovable romance since katsuya is the prince who to saved the neglected princess which is a trope that has stood thro time garnering lots of support & attention always, so all the discussion would be abt their “cute romance”. (which is fair since the author weaved elements that endeared their romance, such as: cute nicknames “miss no-eyebrows”, him giving her space, home & respect, saving her from the streets & poverty & having the most endearing tohru”. So, yeah, the romance will be the center of attention regardless.

I like katsuya’s character type in fiction generally: the flirty, mischievous & a bit cool guy who is so aware he’s wrong most times & plays his cards smart to not get caught red-handed. He’s a cooler version of shigure. It’s just the blatant fact that he’s been planning to “get” a middle schooler from the first glance & that she is wayyyy young for this, that is bothering me so so much~~ T_T.

I wont expect the anime to change their age gap cuz it is the essence of their story that she’s a lost kid with no protection against the world & he’s the savior providing everything at once!~ Remember kyoko went on to be the savior of an entire clan tho tohru~ So in a way, katsuya saved the sohmas by saving kyoko....

“ i’m like a stray cat that he looked after instead of chasing away”. kyoko with katsuya is like kyo with kazuma! >_<!. When kyo met tohru, he wasn’t a stray cat, most of how he dealt with her was cuz he already knew her & was tormented by remembering kyoko’s death & feeling guilty towards tohru’s constant pain. That’s why when kyo started falling in love with tohru, he unconsciously stopped pushing her away little by little & just wanted to be with her until akito said “ i’ll hurt her” that’s when he totally gave up.

the way katsiya appeared in the right moment to save kyoko from her dad~ oh the drama. XD

Hospital Discharge & chase. like mom like daughter~ but thank God the kids got a more balanced love story.

Comparing kyoko/katsuya to Arisa/kureno in the broad writing of their romance without diving into details: (a) I hate the age gap in both but at least Arisa is older & nothing happened until she graduates & become an official adult. (b) Kyoko/katsuya are more fleshed out & if you forget the age gap,m their dynamic is so cute & endearing. (c) the love at first glance, never meeting afterwards yet still sickly in love to the extinct of screaming made Arisa/kureno shallower. (d) now that I saw teenage kyoko, Arisa is really just her clone! I hate that this steals from Arisa’s uniqueness. (e) both couples ate ramen in their first meeting/first unofficial date signalling their blooming love.

I’ve said this more than once, but I was the high-schooler that fancied adult independent men growing up, I never pursued anyone tho cuz I understood it was a crush even tho I’m pretty sure my “ *_*” face was clear to one or two, but I’m definitely lucky none of them tried to woo me or influence me. Now that I’m a grown woman, I think back & laugh at my self. I fancied them cuz they were independent & mature compared to the silly high school boys, which is what those men are supposed to be (adults) & what those boys are supposed to be (living their young age). lol. Still, I wish I found someone somehow to be my life’s partner since then, it would’ve made my life less lonely~ T_T.

[bl--ankhaeji]

Jisung

Pairing - Jisung x chubby*Reader

Genre - Fluff

Warning - Suggestive content, insecurities 

A/N - Soo this is a Jisung timestamp but this is done differently than how most do their timestamps also the Jisung in this is different than “usual” Jisung just to let y’all know. He’s getting older so I feel as if the content in here is not that bad and if any of you have problems with Jisung being a regular teenage boy with hormones then oh fucking well. If you want to keep seeing him as a child then this is not for you.  

W. Count - I don’t really know I didn’t look this time but ik it’s longer than I intended

5:30 

As you laid sideways across your bed trying to find the perfect position. You heard your mom in the kitchen cooking what you hope is dinner. Your stomach wailing as soon as the thought crosses your mind. ‘Ah I found it’ you think as the immediate comfort of the perfect laying spot begins to set deep within your body.

 You take a look at your phone and start back reading your story that was shining on the screen. It was starting to escalate as the currently featured side gay couple finally stopped lying to themselves and admittedly jumped each others bones. You feel the little tingle start in the pit of your stomach, it was just getting good when a message came through.

Jisungpwark 💚💚😗🤤🥰🤪:

BABEEEEE 

AHHHH

IM BOREDD

Come play mario kart with me 

You:

UGGHHH

But I just found the perfect laying spot 

And my mom’s cooking dinner 

Tell me why I should get up and come over? what’s in it for me 

Jisungpwark 💚💚😗🤤🥰🤪:

Maybe because you love me and dont wanna see me

 suffer from boredom 

You: 

Do I really love you that much though?

That’s the question of the hour

Jisungpwark 💚💚😗🤤🥰🤪:

First off that hurt 

Second of course you love me or else you wouldnt be 

dating me for 7 years now 

You: 

You forget about that time we broke up in fifth

grade 

Jisungpwark 💚💚😗🤤🥰🤪:

That was for ONE DAY ok 

If you come over I promise to let you win at mario kart

     “What the hell?” you exclaimed slightly outraged at the bullshit he just sent to your phone. Sitting up you feel the competitiveness start to spike. “Did he really just challenge me like that?”

     You get out of bed and start to put your shoes on, “He knows damn well that I can beat his ass without him ‘letting me win.’” 

You:

Stop fucking lying whore you know damn well I can 

beat your ass I mario kart 

See now I have to come over and whoop you at your

own video game

I’ll be over in 10

     Part of you knows Jisung said that on purpose but that didn’t stop you from taking the bait still.

     Walking out of your room you go into the kitchen and see your mother almost done with dinner, the sweet aroma of the food has your mouth watering, stopping for a second you ponder if you should really go play mario kart. 

     “Hey sweets, dinner is almost ready.” your mother turns to you and smiles, taking in your jacket and shoes and she looks at you questiongly.

     Walking around to your mom you give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek as you grab your car keys that sit behind her. “Hey I came to let you know that I was gonna head over to Jisung’s for a little to beat him at mario kart. He threatened me so I have to show him what’s up.”  Hearing your statement, one that she has heard before, your mother laughs and gives you an ok before she recommends just staying the night, knowing that you won’t be back anytime soon. 

     Thinking about it you go and pack a bag. Going towards the front door you’re about to step out when your mom calls you back in the kitchen to which you see her sitting at the table with a plate of food as she slides a container with enough for both you and Jisung. “Thank you mama.” you say smiling so wide that it almost hurt, feeling happy that you get to eat some of f/f(favorite food).

     “You’re welcome sweets. Oh and before I forget, be safe.”

     You left out a huff of air telling your mother that you will be careful driving so she has nothing to worry about.

     In a sing-song voice she goes,“That’s not what I meant.” As you open your mouth to ask what she meant she cuts you off by sliding something across the table. 

     “Mom...what is that. ‘Please don’t let it be what I think it is.’ But as you read the box your fears are confirmed. It is condoms. “Mom what the- EW mom no it’s not, we’re not-” she cuts you off with a raised hand. 

     “Sweetie you’re not in trouble. I know you and Jisung have been together for a very long time, and I trust and love you both. But you’re of the age where you do things like that and you may not feel comfortable telling me, but love safe sex is nothing to be ashame-”

     Never having been this flustered in your life you frantically tried to get her to stop,“MOM. I…” Fidgeting with your hands you start to awkwardly look around the kitchen as if it was the first time you had ever seen it. “...We don’t do those types of things.” 

     “Ok darling, but you never know what might happen.” She states with the smuggest look on her face, winking as she hands you four condoms. “I’m not endorsing it but I know that if you want to do it then there’s nothing I could do to stop you so take these. Also you might want to go ahead and get to his house, your phone has been buzzing for a while now.” She states whilst she started to eat the food that was on her plate. 

     You couldn’t get out of that house quick enough, seeing as how you almost fell walking out of the door. Settling down in the car you release the biggest cringe you’ve ever had in your life. “AHHH ew what the fuck was that!” you exclaim feeling the condoms that burned in your pockets, as if they were trying to set your pants on fire so that they could get put to good use. 

     Finally calming down your phone buzzes with another message from Jisung. You see that he’s left various messages questioning where you are or what's taking so long. Some stating that you must be dead. You shake your head at your silly boyfriend as you reply to his many messages. With a light sigh you put the key in the ignition and back out of your driveway.  

     It was then that you started to look back at you and Jisung’s relationship. You guys started dating in fifth grade when you both got dared to spend seven minutes in heaven at you guys long time friend, Jeongin’s, birthday party. He still holds the fact that the only reason you too got together was because of him, but ever since then you and Jisung have been going strong. 

     Except for that one day in fifth grade when you guys broke up a week after you had gotten together because Mina Jameson had convinced you that Jisung would never want a ‘bludder whale’ like you. Ha jokes on her she’s had five STD’s this year alone and at least two pregnancy scares and she didn’t even know how to say blubber so who’s on top now. 

     Ever since you were a child you’ve always been bigger than most girls and it did make you feel insecure for a very long time, but if it wasn’t for Jisung who reassured you and showered you with as much love as he could every time you slipped you don’t know what life would be like. 

     You loved him with everything you had. 

     You and Jisung had never gone past small makeouts. They barely even involved tongue, there’s no way that things would just escalate tonight out of basically nowhere. Right?

     Yea. Anyways Jisung is too shy for that even though sometimes he could be a cheeky asshole and I don’t know if I’m ready.  

     Seeing that you’ve made it to Jisung’s house you take a look at the time and see that it had been almost two hours as it was 6:45. Damn, well at least I brought food. 

     You greeted your soft looking boyfriend clad in a hoodie that is slightly big on him and Nike joggers, he almost tackled you to the ground when he saw the food in your hands. When he asked what took so long you just told him it was the food. You guys ate the food that your mom gave you and started playing mario kart.

8:23

     After about 15 rematches most of which you won Jisung’s mom called him into the living room. She had an emergency at work and she wanted him to know that she wouldn’t be back till tomorrow.

     “So babe, what are we gonna do now? We could watch a movie or...” Jisung whispered, trailing off as he got in bed next to you and started to survey every inch of your face. It felt as if he was looking into your soul. You felt like he could see every single flaw on your face and you did not like it. As soon as he started leaning in moving his hand to your pillowy waist your mind flashed to the conversation you had with your mother. 

     ‘Is this it? Does he want to do it?’ Overwhelming thoughts started to cloud your mind and pretty soon you found yourself jerking back once you felt the tip of his nose touch yours. The sound of the sheets moving filled the room as you stood up off of the bed. 

     “Uhh it’s getting late, A movie sounds nice I think I’m just gonna go shower right quick and we can watch the movie when I get out, ok?” You state as you quickly gather your shorts that you brought and a hoodie out of Jisung’s closet, and rush into his en suite bathroom almost slamming the door behind you.   

     Turning on the shower to make sure he didn’t hear you, you immediately start to whisper shout, “Ah! What the fuck was that, who the fuck was that and what did he do with my boyfriend. Jisung has never been like that before.” Tying your hair up you hop in the shower feeling the water pelt your skin as you decided to forget about it, but you couldn’t deny the twinge you felt in your stomach every time you thought about how he looked when he stared at you like that. 

9:34

     The movie was boring so you guys decided to play games again. Only for Jisung to see that he was about to lose against you in Mortal Kombat and in an effort to be a little bitch he tackled you. Now wrestling you yell at him in mock anger for ruining the game before you could kick his head off. As you flipped the both of you over so that you were on top you started to pettily slap his arm. 

     “Ahh Park Jisung you dick! I almost won why’d you do tha-” You had gotten too comfortable and loosed up your legs that were caging him in and he was able to flip you mid sentence. It was then you noticed what a compromising position you both were in, it looked somewhat akin to the basic missionary. 

     Letting out quickened breaths you started to heat up as Jisung stayed in between your legs. You could see the slight perspiration sort of dampen his hair. The game made a sound that surprised you a little causing you to sort of jerk your body. At that Jisung let out a groan that sounded like it was painful. 

     Your body alerts and you start to question him,“Jisung I’m sorry are you ok? What happened?” A ferocious blush starts to race across his cheeks. He avoids your eyes and tells you that it was nothing and that he’s fine.

     “Jisung stop lying and would you let me up now, you’ve been laying on me for a while an-” Cool slightly wet lips touch yours. A little startled at first you tense up but then his lips start to move against yours and the tension in your body slowly unwinds till nothing is left but pure bliss. His lips slowly caress yours and this feels like nothing you’ve ever felt in your life. The passion and the want that he puts into kissing you has you going crazy. 

     Once a steady rhythm is set you move your lower body in an effort to get comfortable and Jisung groans again, and you immediately feel something against your leg and you get flustered because now you know why he groaned and you feel like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner. 

     Jisung wants more, more of you, more of this. The high that this is putting him on is euphoric and for now he doesn’t want to stop. He didn’t say anything but when you came out of his bathroom in his hoodie that fit just like a dress because of the height difference and the illusion that you had nothing on under got him so riled up that he almost couldn’t breathe. It was always like that when it came to you. He loved you so much that it was at most times suffocating. He slips his tongue out of his mouth and just barely grazes it against your bottom lip as if he was testing out the water temp in a pool. 

     You feel something wet against your lips realizing that it was Jisung’s tongue and you quickly almost embarrassingly so open your mouth to let him in. His tongue ventures farther into your mouth and for a little bit there you both are, in the middle of the floor in his room exploring each other, tasting each other, and it is as if there is no one or nothing in the world except for you two. 

     Soon enough without realizing Jisung starts to slowly grind his semi-erection right on to your heated core. The feeling was heavenly and neither of you wanted to stop. 

     He lifts off of your lips so that you both could breath but he soon started to kiss all over your neck, and you throw your head back and release a moan that sounded like heaven to his ears. Grabbing your soft plushy sides he starts to feel anywhere that he can and you tense up out of slight fear at what could be his reaction. He runs one hand down to your thigh, lifting it so that it’s placed on his hip softly squeezing while the other starts to make its way to the hem of your hoodie pulling it up slightly, and that’s when the thoughts came. 

     You quickly pushed Jisung off of you and sat up trying to pull the hoodie as far down your body that it could reach. You looked toward Jisung to see that he had a blush the color of a strawberry and his lips were swollen to look even more soft and inviting than normal. Standing up you rush to his bathroom and close the door leaving a severely confused and turned on Jisung on the floor.  

     Looking toward the mirror, multiple hickies are splattered across your neck and when you lift your hand to rub against them you jolt a little at how tender they were. You could also see where it looked as if you had taken a shot at the kylie jenner lip challenge. But that wasn’t where your mind was at, you were focused on what just happened out there. Thoughts of Jisung possibly seeing your chubby stomach riddled with stretch marks made immediate panic course through your veins. 

     You normally were so good with not thinking about things like that Jisung having helped you be able to get here, but now when he was on the precipice of Jisung seeing your body you couldn’t think about anything but the possible disgust at what you really looked like. 

     It’s not like you didn’t trust him or anything but when insecurity strikes it strikes hard. You consider telling Jisung about these feelings considering you always have in the past, but what if he feels as if you’re doubting his love for you and he gets mad.

     You realize that you’ve probably been in the bathroom for a long time and you didn’t want Jisung to worry so you muster up the courage and with a determined release of air you open the door. Only to see that Jisung is not where you left him. 

     “I wonder where he’s at?” You speak into the air until you wonder what time it is and see that it’s 10:15. ‘WTF we were making out for that long’

     Thirty minutes have passed and Jisung is still not back. As soon as you get up to go look for him he walks into the room. 

     “Where were you? You’ve been gone for a little over half an hour.” 

     Jisung looks at you and when he sees your truly confused face he shyly thwarts his eyes and lifts his hand to rub his neck at the realization that he’ll actually have to explain. But before he can you see his shy gaze and it clicks in your mind what he could’ve been doing regarding what you felt earlier. Biting the inside of your lip you tell him nevermind stating that you already know. He apologizes and says he had to do something because he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.      

11:00

     The last fifteen minutes have been filled with an agonisingly awkward aura in the air. You and Jisung have been sitting up against the headboard of his bed staring at some movie on tv but you knew that neither of you were actually paying attention. Jisung’s warm hand slides toward yours and upon contact you jump up and away. 

     “Babe what’s wrong? You’ve been jumpy ever since what happened a while ago. Is everything ok? Did I do something wrong?” Jisung asks with slight guilt in his voice thinking he was the problem. You told him no but he didn’t believe and you kept trying to deny his accusations saying that you were just tired but he wouldn’t take that for an answer.

     He grabbed your chin and sort of gently forced you to look at him and when you saw his warm eyes filled with nothing but love you had no choice but to break down and tell him. 

     Hot salty tears ran down your face and he took his thumb and used it to wipe your tears as you described what happened when he tried to go under the hoodie. You had to continuously reassure him that it was not his fault, but your own. 

     “I promise Jisung you did nothing wrong. I love you so much we’ve been through everything together. It’s my fault for feeling this way even when you constantly shower me with love. I just sometimes, I feel like you shouldn’t like me and when you tried to reach under my hoodie it’s just like I didn’t want my fears to come true once you see my body.” 

     “...Babe I- I don’t know how to approach this like I want you to know how much I truly love you. I honestly love your body so much but I don’t want you to think that's all though.” Jisung stated nervously mildly irritated at himself for not being able to properly express his feelings for you. Starting to think you honestly couldn’t believe why you didn’t trust him. He was your mouse, your tall boi, your marshmallow, your love, and possibly even your life.

     “C’mere” Jisung stated in his deep soothing voice as he pulled you into his lap in a straddle position. 

     What Jisung didn’t know was that you loved whenever you got to sit in his lap, it made you feel giddy inside. 

     Jisung totally knew that you loved to sit in his lap.

     “It’s ok, we don’t have to rush. If you don’t feel comfortable showing your body too me yet then that’s ok...One request though.” He states with a small smile and a single finger held in the air. “Can we at least keep making out like this because I’ve been holding myself back and after tonight I don’t think I can do that anymore.” He promptly flashes a slightly cocky smirk to which you answer with a smack on the arm earning a laugh from him. 

     Wondering why you even date him you give him a lingering kiss on the lips and snuggle into his chest. 

     “Y/n, I noticed that earlier when you were talking about what happened you called this hoodie yours. I just wanted you to- ACK stop choking me- AKKK.” 

Although he was currently being choked he was happy, because he knew that you were ok.

[somedayonbroadway]

wAIT I REALLY WANNA HEAR YOUR OFFICE AU IM VERY CURIOUS LOL

For more Mood Boards and AUs, click here!

Yes!!!!! Fun story, I did this one once, but I didn’t like it at all, so I’m redoing it now and I’m stoked!

The Office AU

Characters

Jack Kelly — Jim Halpert

Katherine Plumber — Pam Beesley

Spot Conlon — Dwight Schrute

Racetrack Higgins — Angela Martin

Albert DaSilva — Andy Bernard

Morris Delancey — Ryan Howard

Henry — Kelly Kapoor

Hannah — Meredith Palmer

Medda Larkin — Phyllis Vance

William Hearst — Stanley Hudson

Oscar Delancey — Oscar Martinez

Darcy — Toby Flenderson

Obadiah Weisel — Creed Bratton

Specs — Darrel Philbin

Crutchie Morris — Erin Hannon

Todd Kloppman— Michael Scott

Okay so…

Jack Kelly

A salesman at a local paper company, a job he originally sees himself as getting out of fairly quickly despite sticking around for ten years.

He’s a talented, but insecure artist, longing to go to school for art and eventually make a living off of his work

Growing up, Jack has two older brothers who are difficult to get along with as they both were jocks and loved to pick on him

Also growing up, Jack had an abusive father and a mother who walked out on him at a very young age.

Upon beginning to work at Dunder Mifflin, Jack finds himself falling for the quiet receptionist

Finding out that said receptionist is and has been engaged, he starts on the hardest waiting period of his life

Jack is the prankster of the office, choosing mostly to blow off his actual work and mess with his desk mate Sean whom he calls “Spot” just to mess with him more

This catches on until the whole office calls Sean “Spot”

Jack often gets bored as he claims that he hates his job and is looking for ways around actually doing it, especially in the beginning

He’s a huge baseball fan, though he admits he wasn’t a huge fan of playing sports even though he was on several teams in high school, as he wanted to be able to match his brothers’ accomplishments.

His sarcasm is a sort of escape from the world around him.

Does not like costumes very much

Everybody loves Jack except for Spot, who is convinced that Jack is his worst nemesis.

It takes Jack a long time to admit his feelings for Katherine, the receptionist he’s fallen in love with, and when he does, he is overall rejected, prompting him to request a job transfer

Eventually moving on, Jack ends up dating one Davey Jacobs from another branch of the company before that branch is closed and he’s moved back

He’d always been scared about being openly bisexual, but he liked Davey

Eventually, he realizes that despite liking Davey, he’s still very much in love with Katherine and breaks up with the other man, asking Katherine out on a date.

Davey eventually becomes his best friend

After asking Katherine out finally, the two end up staying together and getting married

Jack proposes at a gas station in the rain when he eventually goes away to art school for three months

Together, Jack and Katherine have two kids.

They find out they’re pregnant on accident before they are married

He often lives spontaneously, never running anything by anyone and hoping for the best

Eventually becomes one of the most trusted people within the company

Is forever devoted to Katherine

His father dies before his wedding and Jack can’t bring himself to cry and, when faced with going back into his childhood home, finds he can’t do it

Becomes protective of his friends, including his coworkers (especially Crutchie once he begins working there)

Is attacked at one point by Katherine’s ex-fiancé

Is very soft and romantic

Is often teased for being bi, especially by the “traditionalists” in his office who claim he practically has slept with everyone in the office

Brushing things off fairly easily, again using sarcasm and jokes to mask his feelings

Is slightly protective of Henry who is very young and naive and continuously goes back to a relationship that is toxic for him

Finds humor in any situation he can.

Genuinely likes to make people happy and will do a lot to make that happen

Katherine Plumber

Is shy and quiet when she starts working at Dunder Mifflin

Is often referred to as boring and solemn

Is in an endless, slightly abusive relationship that she’s convinced is meant to be for eight years, ever since high school.

Grows up as an only child with well off “normal” parents who end up divorcing each other when she and Jack are engaged

Is the “hottie” of the office and is one of the few women who work there, the youngest actually

Jack often has to subtly get people to stop harassing her

She enjoys writing and even has her own blog and publishes her own journals online. Jack reads every single one of them

Is very close with her mother and has a strained relationship with her father who does not like Jack and likes her previous fiancé better

Katherine is very meek and shy towards the beginning of her career, but often gravitated towards Jack because he brought out the humorous, adventurous side of her

Had been dating the same man since her freshman year of high school, despite him bringing his brother on their first date and abandoning her at a basketball game having forgotten about her.

Despite being engaged for three years, she often jokes that there’s no end in sight

Tries to convince herself that Jack is like her brother in the beginning to deny her own feelings for him

Jack teaches her how to fight, telling her that she’s a woman who often walks alone in New York City and she needs to have some training on her side

She comes from a rich family who she denies funds from in an attempt to be independent.

After Jack admits his feelings for her, she lets him kiss her, resulting in her calling off her wedding without explanation

Losing touch with Jack for a long few months, Katherine finds herself wanting to be more assertive, saying what she wants and making sure she gets it

Realizing she’s in love with Jack after seeing and accidentally picking up a call from him over the months he was gone, she embarks on a waiting period similar to Jack’s as Jack is in a relationship with Davey and she fears it will never end

Davey and her actually end up becoming pretty good friends, and after Jack and Davey break up, he becomes a sort of confidant and best friend to the both of them. After a while, obviously. David’s not too happy with Kath after Jack breaks up with him

During Jack’s relationship with David, Katherine ends up going back to her ex, lasting for a while before she wants to be honest with him.

She tells him about Jack’s kiss resulting in him having a hissy fit and starting a bar fight and later attacking Jack at their workplace.

Jack and Katherine start to grow closer again after this

Once they start dating, Katherine starts to break through her shell

When Jack goes away to art school she’s disappointed he didn’t propose to her but ends up accepting his proposal when meeting him halfway

She finds out she’s pregnant after twisting her ankle playing volleyball, which she’s rather good at, at a company picnic before the wedding

Jack and her run away from their own wedding when things go wrong and get married on a boat before having the wedding they planned

While going into labor, Katherine admits she’s terrified and sees herself as unfit to be a mother before Jack promises her that they’re in this together

She has two children with Jack

Her and Race have a strained relationship despite the fact that they both constantly try to be friends

While she often helps Jack on his pranks with Spot, she is kind to Spot and is one of the only people who knows about his secret relationship from the start

When Jack starts a business that takes off in Santa Fe, she and him begin to fight but eventually get over their single rough patch and end up drawing closer together

She stands up for herself and her family above all else

Spot Conlon

Is a born and raised traditionalist according to everyone else

Lives on a beat farm

Believes that there are strict rules for men and women that should be followed as he’s basically been brainwashed since he was born

Is in an on again off again relationship with a man, which he is at first ashamed of, as men were not supposed to sleep with other men

Is a purple belt in karate

Is the highest ranking salesman at Dunder Mifflin

Believes his biggest nemesis to be Jack who is constantly trying to prank him in various ways, ranging from simple and childish to well thought out and expertly orchestrated

Main goal in life is to become the manager at Dunder Mifflin despite being loyal to the current manager who’s not quite as big an idiot as Michael Scott is

Is named Assistant Regional Manager but if often referred to as Assistant to the Regional Manager

Volunteer Sheriff’s deputy for a while

Wants to be the leader of his workplace but would also do what needs to be done in order to protect his coworkers at any cost (ex: saving Jack from getting beaten to a pulp by Kath’s ex)

Is an expert paintball player

Falls in love with the head of accounting (his on again off again relationship) and is actually able to make his partner happy

Had a somewhat abusive and distant father and basically raised himself and his younger cousin Vince

Spot enjoys having control over things, making life a bit harder for the people around him as he enjoys acting as somewhat of a vigilante.

Is in a relationship with the head of accounting, Race, until he murders Race’s cat and is dumped, sending him spiraling into depression

Upon this break, Race starts dating and gets engaged to Albert DaSilva, a salesman who came back with Jack

Towards the end of that engagement, Spot wins Race back in the event of having an affair before both Spot and Albert have enough and walk away

Eventually Spot ends up in a relationship with a friend of Katherine’s named Riddle (@bexlynne’s amazing OC)

Moves from this relationship back to Race after a while and then back again until eventually realizing that Race is the only one for him and running Race off the road to propose to him.

Regards Katherine as his best friend despite her marrying his worst enemy

He loves Katherine’s kids who grow up calling him “uncle Spot” against Jack’s wishes

Learns sign language for his boyfriend

Knows German as he mostly spoke German growing up

Is fairly closed off

Will do anything to protect the people he cares about

Racetrack Higgins

The head of accounting at Dunder Mifflin

Raised in a very religious home for most of his life before being moved around in different foster homes, most of which were bad

Is mostly deaf with one hearing aid that allows him to work normally even though he often shuts the thing off to actually concentrate

Learns sign language from a teacher at his school who wants him to be able to actually communicate in a proper way that he can easily understand.

Is often cold towards people who talk down to him or talk slower so he can try to read their lips

Owns several cats

Head of the party planning committee

Craves validation

Is perceived as homophobic before his romance with Spot Conlon is found out by Katherine

Has a strained relationship with Katherine who he constantly tries to be friends with when he’s in a good mood.

Bottles up his emotions as best he can out of force of habit

Hates people who put their relationships on display as he views it as indecent

Is unapologetic

Is in an on again off again relationship with Spot Conlon who often calls him “Monkey”

After this relationship officially ends for the first time, he is asked out by Albert DaSilva

Accepting this, he finds he’s easily annoyed by Albert but likes how sweet the man can be when he tries

Eventually Race begrudgingly accepts a proposal from him, one that spoils Jack and Kath’s original plan for a proposal

Has an affair with Spot towards the end of the engagement, leaving Spot and Al to fight over him in an old fashioned duel

Jack finds Race crying in the bathroom and looks up the signs to promise he won’t tell anyone

Race connects with the receptionist that takes over for Katherine, as Crutchie also grew up in the foster system, but has a much more positive outlook on life

Race tries to protect him, much like the rest of the office

Later, after Spot’s next relationship, they end up sleeping together again only for Spot to move on eventually

Race is later hit on by a politician who eventually asks for his hand in marriage.

Race agrees, only to later find out that the man was in love with someone else and eventually get dumped and kicked out.

Oscar, whom Race has never truly gotten along with, offers to put Race up while he gets back on his feet, resulting in Race admitting to him that he’s still in love with Spot

When Spot runs him off the road to propose to him, he gets down on one knee and signs to him, making Race cry

Race and Spot adopt a son together and live on Spot’s farm

At the wedding, Jack is Spot’s best man, Katherine is Race’s

Oscar is named their son’s godfather

Race has a really hard life that he refuses to open up about, but he turns out alright in the end

If you’d like to hear about more characters or see any scenes, just let me know!

[watchmegetobsessed]

Enchanted - Adam Sackler (pt. 2)

hi guys! this is a repost because something went wrong with the original one and it couldn’t be opened for some reason. let me know if it doesn’t work again! im also posting this story on AO3 so if anything happens next time you can always find it there! click here to see my profile

series summary: You are casted as Giselle in the Broadway adaptation of Enchanted with Adam as Robert.

word count: ~4k

Part 1

masterlist

Chapter title: Limo

“Let’s see one more time from the second verse,” Cynthia, your vocal coach instructs sitting back behind the piano, eyes fixed on the sheets before her fingers start working on the keys, bringing the song alive again.

Taking a deep breath your chest buffs and a moment later you are singing the lines you’ve been practicing for hours now. Your vocal chords feel tired, but you keep pushing and the notes come out almost perfectly.

“Amazing! Don’t forget to make the end of the second line a little more airy and sweet,” Cynthia reminds you when you finish and grabbing a pen you circle the word to remind yourself next time.

“Thank you, will do,” you smile as you start packing your stuff.

It’s been just two days since the table reading, so far you’ve had two rehearsals with Cynthia and two meetings with the animation crew that will be making the beginning of the story into animation, just like in the movie and it’s going to be projected to four different screens on the stage, giving a shorter version of the original one before anyone sets feet on stage in real life. You are beyond excited and thrilled to see the outcome of all these little pieces, but that’s gonna take a little longer.

As you say your goodbye to Cynthia you walk out of the room and head up to the office since Petra asked you to drop by for some more signing. One arm deep in your bag, you’re looking for your phone when you turn the corner in the hallway and you bump right into someone.

“Whoa there, Giselle. Watch out, this is the real world.”

Two large hands are on your arms as Adam’s low chuckle rings in your ear.

“Oh, sorry. I’m a little tired,” you shyly smile taking a step back and as your eyes find his gaze the picture of him spanking that girl in the short film appears in front of you, making your cheeks red as a tomato.

“It’s exhausting being a princess, right?” he jokes with a charming smile, brushing his hair out of his forehead as he shifts his weight from one leg to the other. “Where you headed?”

“I just, um… I need to sign a few papers in the office.”

“You done for the day?” “Yeah, I just had a rehearsal with my vocal couch,” you nod tugging your hair behind your ears, his intense look making your nerves tremble inside you. This man is really just something else and figuring out seems like the hardest task you’ve had to face so far.

“Sounds great, wanna grab something to eat? I feel like we should get to know each other better. Dance practices start tomorrow, I would hate to feel awkward when we are trying to look madly in love.”

He has a valid point, though you’re not sure if being alone with him is a good idea, but you just don’t want to appear rude, so you don’t have any choice than to accept the invitation. Adam walks you to the office and waits for you while you sign the paperwork, chatting up with a young assistant outside and when you return you have no doubt she has fallen for him under those three minutes you’ve spent inside.

“Alright, see you around Susan,” he salutes seeing you walk out.

“Bye Adam!” she giggles returning to her work and you can’t help but glare at her a little longer, watching her absentminded smile linger on her lips from the conversation with him.

“What?” Adam asks when the two of you are in the elevator and most likely your look on him gives away you are deep in your thoughts about him.

“Nothing,” you shake your head forcing your eyes away from his tall frame.

“Come on, I can tell you have something to say,” he chuckles tilting his head to the side.

“I don’t,” you insist. No way you are telling him what’s been on your mind.

“So you are the kind of person who just pushes everything deep down into herself and then at one point you’ll just explode?”

“I’m not pushing anything down, I just like to keep some stuff private,” you narrow your eyes at him. “Do you share everything you think about with the people around you?”

“Actually, I do,” he states as the elevator door opens and you walk out side-by-side. “I’m an honest person and I have always had a hard time filtering what leaves my mouth.”

“So you just blurt everything out?” you ask with an amused chuckle.

“Basically,” he nods holding the door open for you as the two of you step out into the chilly late afternoon of the city.

“That’s can’t be too beneficial sometimes.”

“Have I offended people with my words? Definitely, but at least you don’t have to worry about what I think about because you actually know,” he scoffs and you shake your head at him chuckling.

He suggests a pasta place near and you let him lead the way while the two of you keep up a rather light, nice conversation. When you finally sit at the table with your delicious looking carbonara spaghetti right in front of you, that’s when you realize how hungry you’ve really been feeling.

“So, I’m not really big on dancing,” he starts, eyes fixed on his plate as he twirls his fork around, getting the pasta around it before sticking it into his mouth. “I apologize for all the times I’ll crush your feet in advance.”

“How did you get the part if you can’t dance?” you chuckle.

“Do you think Patrick Dempsey was a great dancer in the movie?” he asks and you see his point. “Anyway, I’m just that charming, I guess,” he shrugs jokingly.

“Yeah. I’ll be doing the real work anyway.”

“All the singing, dancing and everything, it really is on your shoulders.”

You just silently nod, suddenly realizing the truth behind those words. The excitement and amusement have pushed everything aside in the past week, but the thought of being a leading role in a Broadway show has been weighing on you secretly, building up your anxiety in the back of your mind about how much is really on your performance.

“Did I say something?” Adam asks, the fork stopping in his hand before he places it back onto his plate, looking at you searching for an answer.

“No, you didn’t.”

“Then why do you look like you just saw a pedophile for the first time?”

“That’s an odd comparison,” you huff at his words.

“But it’s the truth. So what’s gotten you all pale suddenly?”

“I guess it’s just the weight of this whole thing,” you shrug, trying to make it look like a smaller deal than it really is for you.

“It really is a big thing,” he nods in agreement and you’re glad he doesn’t try to convince you it’s just all in your head. “When my previous show opened on Broadway, my then girlfriend just dropped at me that she is moving to Iowa and I couldn’t focus through the night, I felt like I fucked the whole thing up.”

The mentioning of his ex-girlfriend has you wondering who he is talking about. Is this the girl from the film or the one he made the movie with? Is this Jessa girl still his girlfriend anyway? You didn’t find that out and it would be weird to just ask him about it, right?

“Sounds like the worst thing to say to someone who is about to go on stage.”

“Yeah, she didn’t really understand the concept of timing, I guess.” Adam shakes his head at the thought as he continues eating and your curiosity is growing bigger with each passing moment. You just can’t let it slip without a word, you need to ask him about the film. He put it out himself for the whole world to see, he can’t be that ashamed of it, right?

“So… Is this the girl from your film?”

His eyes flicker up to you and you immediately feel your cheeks heating up under his gaze. At first you regret opening your mouth, his straight face frightens you, but then you see that tiny smile playing on his lips and you figure he is more amused than mad.

“So you did your search on me.”

“My friend did,” you shrug and this is the truth, it was Lora who went digging, but he doesn’t have to know it was your idea.

“I bet you have questions.” Leaning back in his seat he drops his hands to his lap.

“Quite a few,” you nod, not wanting to lie now. This is your chance to have a better look at what kind of man he really is.

“Shoot them.”

“Is it true? The plot really happened?”

“Indeed,” he nods without the slightest sign of shame on his face. “I dated Hannah, kind of on and off for a while, then we broke up, and I formed a surprising bond with her best friend, Jessa that eventually turned into a relationship.”

“Don’t you think it was fucked up to date your ex’s best friend?”

You still haven’t been able to wrap your head around the betrayal that it must have been for the first girl, to see her ex with someone she probably trusted and loved.

“I’m not denying that we could have dealt with the situation in a smarter and nicer way, it would have been better if we just came clear at the beginning and be honest with Hannah, but I do not regret being with Jessa.”

“Has she moved on?” you ask and you quickly add: “Hannah, I mean.”

“She lives upstate now and has a baby. As far as I know she and Jessa made up, so… Yeah.”

“So you and Jessa are not together anymore?” You find yourself asking, and the amount of curiosity in yourself surprises you. You definitely shouldn’t care about this as much as you do.

“No,” he shakes his head. “It was never gonna last, we were destroying each other.”

You’re dying to know more, wanting to find out what he really means by that, but you feel like you can’t cross this line just yet, so you have to put up with whatever you got.

“You watched the whole thing?” His eyes flicker up to you, now he is the curious one.

“No, just a little bit of it,” you say, feeling the blush return to your cheeks as the spanking scene immediately starts in your mind again. Adam stares at you for a bit, trying to figure out how much you really saw and you guess your face gives you away way more than you’d want it.

“You think I’m weird,” he states and not questions.

“I was just… surprised,” you admit chuckling. “I wasn’t expecting to see you spank someone on the screen.”

“So you are that… vanilla type of person, huh?”

“I’m sorry?” you grimace.

“Spanking is not that kinky, you wouldn’t believe what kind of fucked up shit people actually do. But if you are horrified of spanking you really are that prude type of person.”

“I’m not prude,” you defend yourself, the hurt in yourself surprising you. Why do you care what he thinks about you?

“Oh really?” He raises his eyebrows at you, obviously enjoying where the conversation is heading. “What’s the most extreme place where you’ve had sex?”

Now you really think your head looks like a tomato and you regret getting into this conversation. You should have known he would go into details.

“I’m not talking about this with you.” Shaking your head you reach for your drink and wish you could drown yourself in the icy water.

“Why? It’s not that big of a deal, you already know something juicy about me,” he chuckles, clearly enjoying making you feel uncomfortable.

“No, but I don’t think it’s appropriate.”

“You’ve seen me spanking someone, I’m sure you can’t get the picture out of your head. Give me something I can think about so we can be equal.”

“That’s literally the worst reasoning I’ve ever heard,” you shake your head laughing.

“Come on! If you tell me, it will help bringing us closer and we can work together better.”

“I doubt that would be the situation,” you give him a look placing your glass back to the table, but he is just smirking at you cheekily.

“I won’t tell anyone, alright? And besides, I’m asking for just one thing. If you watch my whole film, you’ll have a lot more on me, so you’ll be winning.”

“I don’t know if it should be considered winning and I’m not planning on watching the rest of your film, so…”

“Y/N, stop being a pussy!” he groans rolling his eyes at you. “Just spill it!”

He is really not giving up and you blame yourself for getting yourself into this in the first place. You should have just kept your mouth shut.

He leans forward and pouts his lip at you, begging with his eyes and you know you’re screwed. You have no choice but tell him.

“In a limo,” you simply say and you watch his eyes go wide.

“W-With like other people in there, or…”

“No, it was just me and the guy and the partition was up, but I think the driver knew exactly what was happening,” you shake your head chuckling at the memory.

“When did this happen?”

“I was… twenty. So like five years ago. I was dating this rich guy who took me to a posh party and I drank a little too much from the fancy champagne so I didn’t care to wait until we got back to my place.”

You don’t feel that nasty like you were expecting to, it’s like sharing a dirty little secret without getting judged, because Adam looks more thrilled than disgusted by this little detail he just learned about you.

“Was it any good?”

“I mean, we were kinda drunk and it’s not as comfortable as you’d think it would be in a limo, because the height is not enough in there, but it wasn’t bad for sure,” you admit chuckling.

“Mhm, alright, now I’ll think of you every time I see a limo somewhere,” he nods and you kick him under the table making him laugh.

“Shut up. Don’t you ever bring this up, alright?” you warn him holding up a finger in front of him. Raising his hands he shows he got the hint, though you are not perfectly sure he won’t ever mention it.

You hate to say but he was right when he said it would bring you and him closer. After sharing such an intimate thing you don’t feel that anxious just being around him. You’d think talking about your most extreme sex experience and his kink of spanking someone would birth some very awkward tension between the two of you, but it’s not like that at all. You still think he is quite weird in some kind of way, but then… who isn’t? You’re pretty sure he has something against you as well, this is just how it is.

 ***

 The thing with Adam and his role is that he basically falls out of all the dancing and singing, leaving the hardest tasks to you and Clyde while he is usually just… there. In the park scene you’ll have a whole ballet with about thirty dancers with a continuously changing set around you, dancing for about three minutes straight while all Adam has to do is just… follow you around.

But he still attends rehearsals because Matt says Adam needs to know where he stands in the whole at all times. This is why you are at a huge mirrored room with ten dancers, you and Matt, relentlessly working on the choreography for part of the park scene while Adam just basically lingers around the room, occasionally standing in his spot.

“Get a great hold on her hip and just let her momentum help you raise her,” Matt instructs to the young dancer guy whose name you’ve been trying to remember for an hour, but it just doesn’t come to you. You stand facing each other as he nods and grabs on your hips firmly while you put your hands to his shoulders.

“Five, six, seven, eight!” Matt counts and you leap away from the ground, jumping up, but he misses the beat and doesn’t hold you in time, making you fall back to your feet and failing the move, again. “It’s not that hard, Jordan!” Matt snaps, clearly annoyed that you’ve been trying to nail this move for about ten minutes now. At least now you have his name.

He nervously lets go of you, rubbing his face with his hands, you bet he is trying his best, but he is just too nervous to do it.

Looking around Matt seemingly tries to find a substitute, but the small group of dancers at the rehearsal is not too promising, given the fact that most of them are women. You cross your arms on your chest, swinging your hips to the sides absentmindedly as you wait patiently. Matt’s dark and tired eyes land on Adam, who is sitting in the corner, reading a book and he makes an immediate decision.

“Adam, would you join us, please?”

His head shoots up and nodding he puts the book down striding over to you in the middle of the room.

“We need to improvise and I’m sure you’ll have no problem lifting her up,” Matt explains and walking around he instructs his hands to your hips.

You gulp hard at the warmth of his touch, having him so close is suddenly making you more self-conscious at the way you stand and look. Matt tells him how the move should go and Adam seems to be deep in his focus as he nods at the instructions.

“Y/N, try to jump a little higher, Adam is taller so you’ll need more power.”

“Okay,” you nod placing your hands to his broad shoulders.

“Alright, five, six, seven, eight!”

Bending your knee you push yourself away from the ground, your eyes meeting Adam’s gaze the moment your feet rise into the air and unlike with Jordan, you actually stay in the air.

His grip on your hips tighten, fingers digging into you and you suck on your breath holding part of your weight on your arms leant onto his shoulders. Just as Matt told him, he twirls you around, the skirt you’ve been wearing for rehearsals to make you get used to your future dresses flows after your frame until he finishes the whole circle and gently puts you down to the floor again, hands still on your waist and you don’t let go of him either.

“Okay, this looked amazing, so we are keeping it with you,” Matt cheers clapping his hands together, making both of you turn to him.

“What?” you ask a little confused.

“Yeah, I think it would look great.”

“Isn’t the scene about him being totally skeptical about the whole singing and dancing?”

“Yeah, but there is conflict in him, the music takes him a little bit so I think it would actually be amazing if he was the one doing the lifting.”

You see his logic and you have to admit it looks good, so you don’t question his decision. Matt puts the music on and the dancers take their spot around you as you start the previously learned choreography. You see Adam following his way around while everyone else is dancing around him, keeping up his skeptical act before it’s finally time for the lift again.

Your hands go to his shoulders and this time the whole move is faster, it’s just about a heartbeat long, but your eyes meet again and you let out a gasp knowing the music is tuning out the sound of it. You wouldn’t bet your life on it, but for a split second it feels like he squeezes your hips while holding up, and when he lets go of you his hand brushes against your butt or so it feels.

Your body reacts regardless of what your brain is telling yourself. It feels good to be touched by him and whenever his fingers dig into your flesh you think about what it would feel like if you weren’t dressed. And then, you make the mistake of thinking about the film again, the way his arms flexed with each movement before his palm collided with the girl’s ass.

You miss a step, but luckily, it’s not that big of a deal, Matt just tells you to focus next time and you shortly nod before he orders a five minute break. Wanting to escape the closeness of Adam you launch for your bag in the back of the room and grab your water feeling like you need to clear yourself out somehow.

“You clearly can’t contain your thoughts.”

His voice makes you jump and turning around your eyes meet his satisfied grin that you want to wipe off of him so bad.

“It would be easier if you weren’t touching my ass.”

“I wasn’t!” he protests, but the cheeky smile on his face gives him away and that you felt it right. He really was touching your ass. “If it makes you feel better, I thought that your rich ex-boyfriend had the same view of you in the limo while you rode him that I have when I lift you up.”

“Fucking Hell, Adam!” you gasp smacking his arm as he just laughs, enjoying that he can make you feel uncomfortable so easily.

“Come on! I’m just joking, okay? Let loose, you are so tensed.”

“If you kept your promise I wouldn’t be so tensed,” you mumble under your breath turning away from him, but he moves to get in your sight once again, leaning against the wall.

“Alright, I’m sorry. But I didn’t tell anyone, I swear.”

“Better keep that way.”

“Have you watched the rest of the film?”

“No, Adam. I told you I don’t want to,” you sigh, but it’s not really the truth. You do have curiosity about the rest, you just don’t know if you’d be able to handle it.

“Okay, alright. Sorry for bugging you. Though I’m curious what you’d say about the whole thing, like cinematically.”

“I’ll let you know when I choose to watch it and have an opinion,” you force a smile to yourself before walking away or more like escaping from the conversation.

Rehearsal ends an hour later and you have to do the lift three more times, having Adam stare into your soul every time you are above him, but you don’t think about the film anymore. Instead, it’s all about what he is thinking about. The thought of being on top of him in the back of a limo poisons your mind and no matter how hard you are trying to let go of it, you fail every time because there is that tiny smile playing on his lips and it’s making you lose your shit immediately.

You manage to leave without running into him once the rehearsal is over. It’s a huge wave of relief once you finally arrive home and you also feel like you could collapse right into bed from being so tired. After a relaxing shower you climb to bed and take your computer just checking up on your usual things. Right until you find yourself in your browser’s history, the cursor lingering above the link to Adam’s film.

“I’m losing my mind,” you whisper to yourself opening it and the film starts on your screen once again.

-

general/forever taglist for Adam Driver

i do separate taglists for different people, but not for different works of mine! if you ask to be on my Adam taglist, you’ll be tagged in all of my Adam fics!

@superdriver​ @siren-queen03​ @holacherrycola90​ @spencer-is-amazing​ @unusual-kindred-spirits @hailthemightywoecloud @holy-kylo-stars​ @kowalskibro-adamdriverblog​ @hurricanesunset​ @writerandee​ @luxury-0pps​ @prncess91​ @malefoygal @zaahidahhh @filternotincluded @fire-in-her-veinz @emily-strange @ktellmeastory​ @grouchosgirl​ @tapismyforte​ @unusual-driver-paterson​ @beeblisss​ @septicvic97​

if you’d like to be taken off or added to the list, please let me know!

[teddy-the-queer-wizard]

Okay real question. I like the idea of sex - like reading fics or whatever but like personally find sex weird and gross even if I physically want it or am actively participating I basically don’t want to be there even when I want to be there thats asexual right?

I mean maybe? I mean the desires there I just dont want to do anything with it even when I think I might? Its like the weirdest bait and switch in my head.

Its like spiders. I fucking love spiders - art spider people cool / creepy vids - the fact some make noises and facts and how you can pet them but like i also spent thirty miniutes crying in the car the other day cause one was in my car and it was scary and watching me with its little eyes and so I had to kill it and I felt really bad about it but I couldnt stand it being near me even though it was fuzzy and cool and not like even threatening me. Like even if I ever work up the nerve to pet a tarantula like ive always wanted that wont mean that I’m personally comfortable with the things even if they’re super nifty neato cool they’re still creepy and scary and move wierd and kinda gross me out even when I’m gushing about them.

I just compared sex to spiders -_-;

I just mean like I wanna say I am but like my head or bodies like “no sexy fun times are a great idea” until I’m there and then its kind like “i changed my mind i’d like to go home now” like at the same time?

And i know this is all tmi but like damn it it was clear cut when i was a kid - i was straight but not discounting the idea that I might fall in love with a girl or multiple people because honestly I didn’t think I’d ever fall in love or want to but if I did it’d be stupid to say deny it just cause it was outside what I thought I wanted right? But then I get older and all the things I forced myself into because I hated myself and my situation and wanted to just feel good and loved and even when things were better I owed it to people to give it a shot but it was all too much to deal with and it could last and then I do love my best friend I’m just never sure its in the romantic way but I do her love more than any one else and

I just get so weird about things and it makes me think maybe its just my problems but then I think maybe I’m aro/ace and then I feel guilty because Im dating and Ive been in relationships before this one and I keep thinking sex doesnt bother me because the idea of it doesnt and god what am I even doing in a relationship when Ive always hated the WHOLE concept in relation to me but I do love her and we’re best friends and she makes me happy but I am NOT enough whatever she says and thats OK with me go forth and collect someone else because when you say “I’m all you need” I feel like…

Like itd be nice to go oh well here’s my sexuality polypanplatonic ^~^ see how cute and easy that sounds and is? But its NOT because Im not even sure myself and I don’t even know because maybe if I delt with my emotional problems more I’d beable to deal with the rest or something like maybe its just the personality disorder fucking with my emotions and sending everything all to hell and not like what I want.

Or maybe I’m just trying to find excuses to not hold onto the label asexual because I do have a sex drive even if its not good for anything and in highschool I thought being asexual was… Like bs because “everyone is a sexual creature and theres nothing to be ashamed of” only I was constantly even if I didnt act like it and now I’m not ashamed of it I just dont want it to have anything to do with me personally even though I’m all there for the abstract concept of it and…

I’m so fucking confused.

[delicateheartstranger]

March 17, 2020

Dear world,

Many things have been on my mind. My mind wanders a lot. So first lets talk about outing people. So recently the nurse at my php program outed my chosen name to my parents. Outing people sucks so fucking much. Like that was supposed to be someting I did when I was comfortable and felt safe. Not anyone else’s job. Sure slip ups happen, but that just makes me wanna go back deep in the closet. It isn’t the first time shit like this has happened. I’m talking about lots of other kinds of outings to. 

So when I was hanging with my friend DK (I have more about him later) and my friend LC we were talking about an ex friend of LC. She then proceeded to tell me how this former friend who lives up the street from me is HIV+. I didn’t know what to say. It made me kinda a mix of uncomfortable and annoyed with LC since that’s something deeply personal to just reveal regardless of how angry she was. And I mean yes the former friend was a cunt to LC from what I’ve heard, but being unstable and cunty doesn’t call for outing someone’s heath status like that. It kinda makes me trust LC less. Me and her have been friends for years although throughout them will lose contact for like a year or two and always randomly start hanging out again. So yeah outing, not good.

Now with DK. I realized that we matched on tinder a few months before we knew each other. I stopped using tinder cause I tried using it for dating and just wasn’t getting the results I was looking for. Plus lots of people swiped left on me more often when I showed my double chin in photos vs when I hid it. Don’t need that bad vibes in here. I am thinking of downloading tinder again just to delete my account or unmatch DK before he can realize we matched. It’s not that he isn’t like attractive or that I wouldn’t date him, but rather I doubt he sees me the same way? Yeah we matched and even talked a bunch, but like that doesn’t mean he likes the real me. I don’t want him to be going through his old matches one day and see me (and my deadname which I had been going by back then). I value our friendship more than any potential relationship. I don’t want things to be awkward. Plus he’s got a thing for LC. Well he has a thing for a bunch of people, but LC is on the top of the list. I just don’t think I could live up to her prettiness level at all. So I’ll repeat what I did in middle school with SM, but at least acknowledge it this time round.

What did I do in middle school? In middle school I had a close friend group between me, SM, IM, and in 8th grade our friend KL joined. We stayed close in the first half of high school, but everything fell apart around 11th grade. Or at least I grew apart from the group which hurts. I don’t know if they are still together. I should message them. I think I will after this. Anywho, back to the point. In middle school I was severally bullied. The worst bullying was those years and my time at my 2nd high school. I was pretty in the closest about my sexuality and straight up denying any form of gender dysphoria. I was one them kids who was like ‘dang i’m jealous of trans people they get to transition to the gender they feel comfy in’. Major clown vibes and egg_irl shit. But the person I realized only recently I had feelings for was SM. She was super smart, funny, kind, anxious, and very gay. At some point I realized that there was some romantic tension between her and IM. So in a way subconsciously I stepped away from feelings for her. Top it off in 8th grade we had feelings for the same girl and I set them up. I remember feeling like shit and thought it was over the other girl. Nah it was over SM. I remember she used to have the longest brown hair that she kept in a braid. I thought it was beautiful and kinda was jealous. Even when she cut it short in high school I still loved her hair. I had kept pushing away my feelings for her in all of middle school. Then came high school.

I don’t have many memories from 9th grade due to trauma. But I managed to remember all these painful memories. Ahahaha nice job me, forget the good shit and only some of the traumatic shit while remembering a lot of bad shit and some the trauma. Either way what happened was she had broken up with this girl over the summer (different schools not worth it). Then comes in my toxic friend CH. She was kinda a huge bitch. She first had a crush on my friend RS. So being the match maker I am I set her up with my friend RS (who back then for context still identified as a cis male). CH was in the closet about being trans and they dated for like a week before CH broke up claiming she didn’t want her parents thinking she was gay. Okay fine. Then late in 9th grade me, CH, SM, and a few other friends hung out at lunch. CH told me she had a thing for SM and I could tell SM had a thing for CH. So with a lil bit of work and match making magic I got them together. It was kinda in a way me trying to make SM unobtainable even though by then I was okayish with my sexuality. I remember at many points feeling this deep sinking pain in my chest and stomach when I saw them together. The heat in my ears would rise and I felt like crying. I for awhile thought it was over CH. Then it hit me one day in 9th grade it was over SM. I was so ashamed and felt so fucking shitty that I just kinda pushed it away.. Tucked away my feelings and even the memory of knowing, although the memory of realizing could’ve left cause trauma. Another time I was looking for the two of them at lunch and I found them making out behind the school. The pain in that moment I could not use enough words combined with all the languages to explain that pain. It was worse than a speeding commuter train hitting me while watching a bunch of kittens get shot. I would later learn that same pain when I had to avert my eyes from seeing DW kissing this girl for a play. To cope with it in the moment I remember cracking a joke and leaving. 

I loved her. Soon enough the two of them broke up cause SM wasn’t i a good head space and she was like I don’t wanna hurt CH like that. CH was also plus size like me. That will be relevant later. So now the scene is 10th grade. SM introduces me to SMY. They had known each other for awhile and rode the same bus home. SMY was a year younger though. Soon enough SMY and SM started dating. I felt that same pain again. I didn’t know this time why as by then I forgot about figuring out. SMY a few months in came out as non binary. SM was fine with that and still liked SMY regardless. So when I left my first high school I kinda fell outta contact with SMY. She never was good with that outside of school with me. Then in my first year of 12th grade after KL saw me (yes even in 12th grade I was this bitch) cut on my snap story brought all of us together. I talked to all them and for a few months we were as close as we’d been back in the good old days. It was so refreshing to talk to SM. But nothing good last in my life. SM left the chat. Fine. Then IM leave. Then it kinda goes silent and we all fall apart. Or at least I’m not there. Again after this I’m gonna try and message all three of them. I miss them. SO YEAH I BASICALLY LET MYSELF NOT BE WITH SM. She was open to dating fat, non binary, non typical beauty people, and I just made up excuses to repress my feelings. I wouldn’t let myself be happy? Who knows. She could’ve rejected me and it could’ve made shit real awkward. 

I’m gonna just do the same thing? But knowingly this time and more self aware with DK. Sure it’s not really too healthy, but it’s with the pros and cons put together better than the cons of potential revealing of this info and me trying to pursue a relationship. Besides, me and him have wayyyyyy to much shit we’d needa work on before dating. Like you can and date with mental illness and should be able to. But if both partners suffer both need to have a certain level of stability or it could lead to lots of unhealthy shit. Witnesses enough where that wasn’t true and I ain’t signing up for that. 

Good things that happened today was that a cosplay tik toker I like liked my comment I put on their video, after I did a cosplay duet to another one that I like they also liked the video I made and commented something nice, and soon me and my mom will watch The Goldfinch together.

My brother’s school is forcing him out. The state was like ‘yea no ya’ll better gtfo and go home while corona up in this bitch.’ So there goes my mental stability. I’m kinda fucked now. My parents are leaving tomorrow to pick him up. So yeah world I’m actually fucked. I am worried that I might do something I will regret in these coming days and weeks. I have had a bit more non passive thoughts about self harm and SI. I won’t have anything. No where to hide. No where to cosplay. Even more judgment. I’m actually screwed. Wish me luck. Hopefully things will turn out good? Probably not. Hope if you’re reading this things are good for you. Any advice?

Yours cordially,

A

[i-th1nk-we-4re-d0omed]

fighting

today i had this discussion with my friend that had just watched buttler of the white house, (we call it like that here in Brasil so sorry if its wrong) m we got into talking abt how the world is messed up n stuff... Guyz... The World is messed up, but it used to be so, man, SO much more, n sometimes we still drop the ball electing Trump, adoring people like Bolsonaro, the nazi protests... Well, basically stucking ourselves in the past in letting hate, ego, individualism n pride get in the way of Love, Peace, Moral n Ethical Values. But there were so many people that sacrificed their whole lives n existences to make a change, to try to preserve Love n the good will of humanity in order to increase the human development such as in Moral Values as in Intellectual, but not only the big names on the History Books, cuz, they werent alone, no revolution can be done by ourselves, im talking abt ALL THOSE PEOPLE, every single one of em changed the world, we can deny it bcs u cant know what wouldve happenned if one werent there, no matter how statistics can ensure something, never 100%, n the VERY LEAST we can do to honor their sacrifices, is to preserve what theyve conquered for our good, n not to throw away their legacy, their love, their strength, n to believe, at least we have to believe, "but its v unlikely", LOOK do u think it was probable that slavery would end? do u think it was probable that we would have democracy? do u think its probable Obama wouldve ever been president? do u think it was probable that women would have nowadays the right of even being considered as a human being n that Dilma would ever be president?... Unfortunately no. NO AWAY, but they still had to believe, all those people, cuz that was the very least they could do, they did it bcs they didnt have nothing left to lose, they knew that was more important than their own lives, that the future was more important, WE were more important than their lives for them, so WE HAVE THE OBLIGATION TO DO SOMETHING ABT IT N NOT TO LET THEIR LIVES BE IN VAIN. We see a lot of shit nowadays, people dont know but THERES STILL GOOD PEOPLE, if there wasnt, there wouldnt be so much suffering, people would just find it normal, BUT THEY ARE THERE, we just arent as famous as Sócrates, Ghandi, Mandela, Marthin Luther King Jr., Paramahansa Yogananda, (im sorry i dont know much feminine names, im v ashamed abt it, i have just realized so ill make a post abt revolucionary women) bcs the world wants u to think eitheir that were corrupt or crazy like they did with those names, or that ure alone n that they dont exist, BUT WE ARE STILL ALIVE. Who are we tho? Theyre just people who are fucking tired of leaning on hate to defend ourselves from hate, leaning on paranoia to defend ourselves from every disguise of this pretensious world that opress the love n human development in moral intellectual n spiritual values. WE WANT LOVE.

n yeah, i putted lots of tags for the first time cuz this time... i wanna exist, n i wanna do something to honor the priviliege of existing n existing in better conditions id have years later bcs of all the love n the future that some people didnt give up on, n i wont either, i cant.

"with great powers, comes great responsabilities"

[i-amusemyself]

Every and all countries.

HEY ITS MY FAVE ANON!!!! 😄😄😄💕 Thankies!!!! (Sorry for the delay, ive barely had internet)

America: What is your favourite place to eat?I’m not really sure 😂 I dont ever really go out to eat and if I do I just end up going to McDonalds or Nandos tbh

Australia: Do you have any quirks when speaking? ….I don’t know, I don’t pay much attention! I know if my head is somewhere else I’m terrible at keeping eye contact. Besides that I basically just laugh for one reason or another and say sorry 24/7.

Austria: already answered

Belarus: Is there anyone that you love? Family/friends/romantic interest etc.Oh hell yeah definitely!! I love my family one way or another ig. My friends, even the ones I don’t see often, I absolutely adore! I have like 5 people I would legit die for 😂

Belgium: What do you think of your siblings?I dont have any. I wish I did tho.

Botswana: Do you like to sing? Why?Yeah, I like singing since it sometimes helps when my mood gets down. I only really do it when I’m alone tho bc im shy

Bulgaria: Who do you consider close to you?I have 3 close friends tbh and id trust them with just about anything

Cameroon: Describe your culture.Lmaoooo what culture? 😂 I’m basically english and i dont even know if the things associated with that would be considered cultural? Idk we just drink tea, say sorry and are supposed to have a stiff upper lip at all times

Canada: Favourite wintertime activity?Not having to go to school 😂 idk tbh, sledging is kinda fun from what i remember?

China: already answered

Cuba: What sort of grudges do you hold if any?I very rarely hold grudges tbh, I let 99% of things go even if people don’t apologise. It’s hard to say where the line is without sounding overdramatic. I guess if they made my life so bad I considered ending it I wouldnt like someone too much (or if others saw that and continued to stay friends with them).

Cyprus: already answered

Denmark: Do you wish for something of your past?Nah, not really. I try my best to look forward, not back.

Egypt: Do you stand up for what you believe in? How?Ummmm, I’m not sure I could say I’m that active in it. I once wrote a long, anonymous letter to the headteacher or my school wrt the treatment and education of lgbt people. Besides that? I havent dont much. I’d go to a protest if there was one nearby that I supported.

England: Are you controlling?That’s hard to answer? Because when things happen my initial instinct is to control them. But I’m a lot more chilled out than I used to be, and continuing to try to improve on it. So the amount of things I actively try to control are very slim. The issues lies more with my hatred of vague plans tbh 😂

Estonia: Do you think people often misunderstand you?I don’t open up to that many people, not really. Most the therapists I’ve seen have never got me at all. In terms of friends, some do get it, though it depends upon what specifically I’m trying to explain/show etc.

Finland: What do you prefer; kindness, sternness or apathy?Kindness, for sure. It’s nice to know other people might look out for you when you’re not necesarily in a place to look out for yourself. Sternness is just,, hard to communicate with and apathy can put me on edge.

France: How do you share love for those you care for?Most the time I just send them memes 😂 I try to make sure I’m honest and I don’t hold back with compliments. I also try to show then that I really am interested in them/their life, tho sometimes I worry I’m annoying them.

What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do?4 A levels whilst also juggling 3 jobs at one point.

Germany: Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself?I rarely forgive myself for something without outside help, and even then it isnt guaranteed

Ghana: What is your favourite sport?Basketball, its the only one I understand 😂

Greece: Do you let others help you when in need?I do sometimes tell my closest friends if I’m in a really bad patch and out of options. Although, I become more focused on making them feel helpful than actually being honest when I can’t believe them etc.

Hungary: Who is the person you trust the most?My closest friends probably. Although there are different kinds of trust, so it varies with what I’m trusting and who I go to etc.

Hutt River: What is the most memorable dream or nightmare you’ve had?I remember most of my dreams tbh, and for months too. Nightmares especially, but i wont share those bc theyre really horrific tbh. I had a dream a few months back that I died and went to heaven, that was nice. Like, it just felt so calm, I didnt want to wake up.

Hong Kong: Do you fear death?I dont so much fear death as fear excessive pain and suffering tbh. I’m okay with not knowing what, if anything, happens after we die.

Iceland: Do you hide your real personality? Why?Not reaaally 😂 when I’m with people I know and trust I can pretty much be myself. But different people bring out different parts of me.There is a small part I crush right down bc I hate it, but it might slowly be fading.

India: How important is family to you?Idk, I’ve never felt super close to a lot of my family. I just sort of seem to find my own family, and theyre hella important to me.

Japan: Tell us a secret about yourself.I dont have that many secrets????? At all??? And the ones I do have I don’t tell for a reason 😂 lets go with: i have 2 moles and a shoulder dimple that look like a blob fish.

Kenya: What is your favourite wild animal?I love so many of them?!?!?!?! I love capybaras but also elephants and also gorillas???

Korea: What is one thing you accomplished by yourself?Ah, I never do anything completely by myself 😂 Idk, managing to get to america on my own was pretty scary, but I did it.

Kugelmugel: Is there anyone you have a love hate relationship with?I mean according to my anxiety, everyone I love hates me 😂But erm, the only person who I can really think of is my old geography teacher. He was a legend and I loved him, but for sure he hated me.

Latvia: Do you believe you are brave?Eh, idk. I don’t think I’m a coward, but it would depend on the situation.

Ladonia: What is the internet site you visit most often?Tumblr. I cant deny it.

Liechtenstein: How do people underestimate you most often?I have no idea, they usually overestimate me, though I don’t pay much attention to peoples expectations 😂 I genuinly have no idea, maybe I should ask my friends or something

Lithuania: Do you desire power?My initial answer is no, I’m not that interested in being powerful on a large scale. But I guess there are different kinds of power? Like, it would be nice to have the power to change other peoples lives for the better. Or the power that comes with being in government, which has always been something I’ve been interested in.

Macau: What is your favourite festival or celebration?Halloween. Without a doubt.

Molossia: Do you consider yourself strong?I used to think I was strong, given some of the things I’ve been through. Now though I realise I just supressed all the emotions that came with them, which are all coming back, and honestly I’m a weak mess.

Monaco: Do you think you are a lucky person?No, not really. 😂 I mean, there might have been 100 times ive narrowly escaped death, but I wouldnt know it.

New Zealand: Would you rather be an elf, dwarf, hobbit or wizard?I’ve never seen lotr/the hobbit ngl so just based on what I know I’ll say wizard bc magic

North Italy: What is your least favourite part of your personality?All of it. Idk, jealousy. Awkwardness. Inability to make conversation. Just who I am as a person.

Norway: What was the most disappointing time in your life?Idk, Ive been disappointed a lot 😂 my dad let me down p bad once, though i dont really wanna share the deets

Netherlands: Most generous thing someone has ever done for you?My best friend bought me a necklace with “you are the light of my life” on it and I still can’t get over how cute that is 😄

Poland: Hardest thing you’ve been through?The thing that comes to mind was the longest and most stressful night of my life. I’d just broken up from school for summer that day and we had an estate agent coming to value the house the next day so we could move out of the Flood Zone. That evening it rained and rained and I ran around the village asking council people to help us but no one came so we stayed up till 2am pouring water from around the house into wheelie bins to try and stop it coming in. Then I had a breakdown in the bath and just remember feeling so trapped. I never want to go through that again.

Prussia: Would you prefer to live forever or die alone?Oooooh thats a tough one! Bc living forever would surely involve a lot of time alone. I think I’d hate it tbh, 80 years is enough for me 😂 but dying alone is like, my greatest fear tbh. So I’ll say live forever.

Roman Empire: How would you like to be remembered?Idk, just as a good person that maybe helped a few people out, I suppose. I mean, sure I’d love to find a cure for cancer and change the world etc but gotta be realistic

Romania: What is something you are very ashamed of?There are parts of my body I hate so much I’ve genuinly considered taking a knife to them myself. I also struggle to deal with the whole gender/sexuality thing, no matter how much people tell me its okay.

Russia: Have you ever suffered from low self esteem? Do you still?For sure, yeah. I really struggle to love myself in any way, it’s an alien concept to me and I’ve always been taught to keep my mouth shut about anything I actually do like.

Sealand: Who is your best friend?My bro @only-slightly-dangerous lmao

Seborga: What is your favourite beverage?I absolutely looove milkshakes (despite being lactose intollerant 🙄), especially oreo ones

Seychelles: How do you handle people being rude to you?Lmaooo I don’t 😂 if they say anything personal, I take it to heart. I might try to talk back but I’d just screw it up.

South Italy: What is your favourite part of your personality?Ummm, idk, I don’t really think about the words I could use to describe my personality? I guess I quite like my sense of humor. Idk.

Spain: What would you tell to the person or people you hurt most if you had a second chance?I don’t want to sound like,,, a twat,,, but I don’t really think I’ve ever really badly hurt someone (not knowingly or intentionally anyway). The only person I can think of is someone I cut off for being a bad friend… so I don’t really feel too bad about that.

Sweden: Are you a leader, follower or independent?Lmao all of the above, depending on the circumstances 😂 I don’t mind leading things and taking charge, Im quite good at being organised. But equally I don’t mind following other people if I agree with their plans. I also love being independent and doing things alone, bc it feels free and you don’t have to worry about anyone else.

Switzerland: Would you consider yourself evil, good or neutral?Good, I think. I try to be a good person. Sometimes my initial reaction or thoughts might not be good, but I always want to do the right thing.

Thailand: How good is your poker face?If I’m just pissing about, not great. I just laugh. But if I’m serious it’s pretty good, if I can say that 😂 I’m good at acting when I want to be.

Tibet: What do you value most?What?? As in a quality? Or objects?? Idk. People with good intentions, I’ll say that.

Taiwan: What do you think of the people or person who raised you?I have a lot of feelings towards them, not all of them good. I’d rather not talk/think about it rn though.

Turkey: Would you ever want children?Without a doubt, yeah. I’m not sure if I’d have my own or adopt, maybe both. I’m not that naturally maternal; I love kids but knowing how to talk/react to them doesnt come naturally. Im probs more of a dad 😂

Uganda: How would you like others to see you?I dont know???? Just as a kind and trustworthy person that genuinly cares and will always try my best to help when I can.

Ukraine: What is one thing that has made you stronger in life?I have no idea. I don’t feel like a very strong person at all. My life just feels like a long string of events I’ve had to cope with.

Vietnam: What is something you are proud of about yourself?I don’t really,,, feel pride 😂😂😂 like I honestly can’t think of a time I’ve felt like that. I guess I’m pleased I did well in my A levels? But even then I wouldnt say I’m proud.

Yemen: What kind of art do you like?Its hard to describe? I know it when I see it 😂 I’m not too bothered about portraits and paintings of dull landscapes, but equally some modern art is barely Art. I quite like paintings that are bright, or tell a story. I also like sculptures if theyre based on cool stuff like, the human body ooor dragons idk. Mosaics are p nice too

Zimbabwe: Who is your favourite character from any folklaw?I’m not sure I know many folklaws 😂 The person that comes to mind is rumplestiltskin, but I think thats only bc I love his chacter in Once Upon a Time

[censorediamond-blog]

And still, theres so much more i want to say...

This is dumb, both of us know this is dumb and i know nothing i say rn would make you care, cause u dont. never will .but  im going it cause honestly i cant stop thinking about you, its sad and pathetic but true and whoever i tell gets annoyed cause they know im wasting my time, and they know my name never crosses ur mind, but youre on my mind constantly and i hate it cause ur in love with her. and i dont blame you, she's perfect, and u deserve nothing less. and sure u could say  why would i wanna be with someone if it was all fake. But the thing is i really don't believe it was all fake. it couldn't be, i'm not that much of an idiot. And maybe part of me thought "u only dated me for the hook ups" but i find it hard to believe ur that big of a dick and plus me and u both know u could have gotten that without the trouble of dating me. i probably sound dumb to you cause u made it clear that you were over me, plus this happened almost seven months ago and i wanted to believe i would get over you in a short amount of tome. i know its super pathetic,  im super pathetic. i keep thinking about the little moments, every single tiniest detail that has ever happened between us, even the ones i know for a fact you dont even remember way before we even started talking and before the dead sea. but idk u shared too much for it to be all about the hook ups, just you being a part of my life for an amount of time was probably one of the best thing that even happened in my life. it was everything to me and i dont think u get how much i love and care for you. and i regret a lot regarding this topic and although the fact you basically used me when you knew how much that meant to me really hurt. nothing even compared to the hurt that came when i got a glimpse of what we could be, then to drop it like that. cause it gave the need to imagine shit i shouldnt even be thinking about. how things would be different if you were still mine and i was still urs. how happy i would be. but i know im positively sure you are happy, for the most part at least. but ik while i was thinking about you and how i would kill to be with you and spend time together and just be together. you were thinking about her, how you would kill to be with her and spend time with her. I know you're graduating now and this is  the last thing you want to hear now but ive been holding this for such a long time i just want to get it all out of me. But i guess i didnt make u happy and ive accepted that and idk i just missed u i guess, i have seen you in such a long time, until laiths party and i dont know if you realized the second i saw you my heart actually stopped like i dont even think its possible to miss someone that much and then to finally see them, although i know youre with anood now and i would never do anything to sabotage your happiness anwar, as much as it doesnt seem like that, i dont know why im so in love with you, as much as i try to deny it i cant but only admit that is true, i shit you not there has not been one single day, since October 28 that i have not thought about you when i wake up and before i go to sleep, all i do is look at my phone and open ur info on my phone app looking at the picture i have put as your contact and the song i put on for your number so i know the second i hear it, its you and the vibration i put thats only different to yours. Every single time i just randomly hear power trip on shuffle i cant help but think of you and how youre doing. Anwar this is taking so much of my dignity to even think of sending you this even though now i know its all gone and you're probably laughing of how desperate and pathetic i sound, but I couldn't help myself. and i dont want to be friends csuse ik me and ik itll always be torture just being ur friend. even now i always have these little day dreams where were together and u come over all the time and my mom and legit my whole family loves you and loved you ever since that day... my mom talks about you and asks about you every single day because i never had the courage to tell you we broke up such a long time ago and part of me keeps holding on to that one in a million scenario where were back together and u like me just as much as i like u but i know thatll never happen cause id always just be the hook up right.

I know im not gonna achieve anything by telling you this but like seriously what do i have to lose, atleast i can understand i should start living in the moment and not thinking deep far into the future and just doing what i want to do while i still can because we all actually dont know when were not gonna have that chance anymore. This has taught me many things but ever since ive never known how to look at any other guy and think '...but hes not anwar' even though if i ever hooked up with anyone after you but just so you know i have just once, just to try to convince myself that there are other people in this world that i could start thinking of besides you but, obviously, it didnt work.i know youve been over me for such a long time now but you meant everything to me up unto this point and for how long this will last.I know you're probably out having fun with your friends right now, maybe even with her, but im not ashamed of my feelings and i want them to be out and clear in the open. As much as it pains me to say, i love you anwar hinnawi, always have, always will.

anyways idk what the point of this was i just wanted to get it all out of my system. i hope everything in your life right now is the best it could be, i really do genuinely care about you as a person besides all of this and youre the first thing i always wish for every single time i pray, lol that sounds so gay but its true ahah, okay im done now and like thanks if u read all this i guess, maybe i achieved the fact that now you know everything and how ive felt ever since you left me.