#im mourning myself tbh

[eonars]

um. tfw your life is about to change massively very very soon and it still doesn't even feel real yet and still feels like somethings gonna pop up and it won't actually happen and also you're scared as fuck that you're too stupid to actually do it and it'll all be for nothing

[pasta-pardner]

"A heart always holds onto missing roads."

Video edit about the love and tragedy between Jack and Ennis.

[learn-and-accept]

I was just looking through a bunch of my old texts and started to feel really sad about the loss of my old life and the people that were in it. There were a lot of relationships that could have gotten deeper that I just didn't know how to keep and that sucks. But also, I'm currently the happiest I've been in quite sometime. I'm so looking forward to all of the things I get to have now and the relationships I'm currently building. Honestly, I don't even think past me would've been able to build and maintain any of those relationships because I was just so sad and isolated

[tulipatheticee]

i've been waiting for you

violet bridgerton x youngest! daughter

bridgerton siblings x younger! sibling

synopsis; From the moment Edmund Bridgerton passed, leaving his wife widowed with eight children and one on the way, Violet found herself adrift until the arrival of Isadora, her youngest daughter. Isadora, quiet and calm, becomes Violet's constant companion in bustling Mayfair, offering solace and steadfast support at her mother's side.

word count; 1.3k

master list

a/n; i have arisen yet again, this is my first bridgerton fic so hello to the brigderton tag! i have archived all my old stuff because they are old and tbh the fandoms have died SO LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF

my name is tulippa and im from sicily, im pretty confident in my english now but let me know if you see any errors! i mainly write fluffy family stuff like this, i love it idk. if you like this and want to see more like it let me know and ill provide for you! but its not like i wont write x reader romance cmon of course i will, but im best at parentxchild and siblings (PLATONIC ALWAYS DONT BE WEIRD) anyways i could go on and on but i wont, enjoy!!!

kinda proof read, kinda not, you've been warned

I'll carry you all the way

Violet Bridgerton had weathered many storms in her life, but none so devastating as the loss of her beloved husband, Edmund. His passing left her shattered, a widow with eight children to care for and another on the way. The pregnancy was fraught with complications, exacerbated by Violet's grief and the toll it took on her health.

Days turned into months as Violet withdrew into herself, mourning Edmund's absence even as life continued around her. Her family rallied, but Violet's sorrow was a heavy veil that separated her from them. It was during those long, solitary hours that she felt the weight of loneliness and the fear of losing both husband and child.

And you'll choose the day

The labour came unexpectedly, fierce and unforgiving. Violet's strength waned, her heart weary from loss and longing. The doctors and midwives worked tirelessly, their faces etched with concern. Hours passed like eternity until finally, a cry pierced the air—a fragile, yet determined cry that signalled new life.

Isadora was born amidst tears and relief, a tiny bundle of hope wrapped in Violet's trembling arms. The room, once fraught with fear, now glowed with a soft, golden light as mother and daughter gazed at each other for the first time. In that moment, everything seemed to still, and Violet knew she had been granted a miracle.

When you're prepared to greet me

She named her daughter Isadora, after the delicate Dahlia flower that Edmund had loved tending in their garden—a reminder of the beauty that bloomed even in the darkest of times.

As Isadora grew, she became Violet's constant companion, a beacon of joy and innocence in the Bridgerton household. Her older siblings doted on her, especially Anthony, Benedict, and Colin, who saw in her a reflection of their lost father's spirit. Isadora's laughter filled the halls of Bridgerton House and her curious mind sought solace in the quiet moments spent with her mother.

One afternoon, in the hushed serenity of the drawing room, Isadora sat at the pianoforte while Violet embroidered nearby. The soft melodies Isadora coaxed from the keys wove through the air, a testament to her growing talent and Violet's nurturing guidance.

"Does this sound right, Mama?" Isadora asked, her voice a melody in itself.

Violet looked up from her embroidery, a fond smile gracing her lips. "It sounds perfect, darling. You have a gift."

Isadora beamed with pride, her small hands continuing their dance over the keys. Despite her tender age, she played with a grace that belied her years, a testament to the bond she shared with her mother and the legacy of love that surrounded her.

I'll be a good mum, I swear

Anthony, Benedict, and Colin entered the room together, their voices low with shared memories and unspoken affection for their youngest sister. Anthony, ever the protective eldest brother, approached Isadora and knelt beside her.

"How are you today, Isa?" he asked softly, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead.

"I am well, Anthony," Isadora replied, her gaze never leaving the keys. "Mama teaches me a new piece every day."

"Is that so?" Benedict chimed in, leaning over to peer at the sheet music. "You are quite talented, little one."

"Indeed," Colin added with a smile. "Father would have been proud."

Violet's heart swelled with bittersweet emotion at the mention of Edmund. She had feared she might forget the sound of his voice or the warmth of his touch, but in Isadora, she found echoes of him that kept his memory alive.

You'll see how much I care

"Mama, are you well?" Isadora asked suddenly, sensing the shift in her mother's mood.

Violet blinked back tears, her hand reaching out to clasp Isadora's. "I am well, my love. I am with you, and that is enough."

Isadora nodded solemnly, her understanding far beyond her years. Together, they continued their afternoon ritual, finding solace in music and shared moments that bridged the gap between past sorrows and future joys.

When you meet me

------------

In the sunlit gardens of Bridgerton House, where the scent of roses mingled with the laughter of children, Isadora found herself in the company of her older sister, Hyacinth, and brother, Gregory. Despite their lively spirits, they adapted to Isadora's quieter demeanour, creating a harmony that transcended their differences.

You thrill me, you delight me

"Isa, look what I found!" Hyacinth exclaimed, holding a caterpillar in her small hands with excitement.

Isadora approached cautiously, her eyes widening with curiosity. "Oh, wow! What is it?"

Gregory, always eager to share his knowledge, chimed in, "It's a caterpillar, Isa! Hyacinth and I were just talking about how it turns into a butterfly."

Hyacinth nodded eagerly. "Yes, Isa! It's like magic! One day, it will have beautiful wings and fly everywhere!"

Isadora's face lit up with wonder. "That's amazing! Can I hold it?"

Hyacinth carefully passed the caterpillar to Isadora, who watched it crawl across her palm with fascination. Gregory leaned in, his eyes bright with enthusiasm. "Let's play tag, Isa! You're it!"

You please me, you excite me

Isadora giggled as Gregory darted away, Hyacinth joining in the chase. "Catch us if you can, Isa!"

Isadora laughed, her heart light as she chased after her siblings through the garden paths, their laughter mingling with the rustle of leaves and the gentle hum of bees. Despite their differences in temperament, they found joy in each other's company, weaving memories that would last a lifetime.

You're all that

I've been yearning for

— —- —- —- —-

In the quiet of evening, as the Bridgerton family gathered for supper, Isadora remained close to Violet's side. Gregory and Hyacinth, full of youthful exuberance, regaled their siblings with tales of mischief and adventure, and how Isadora won tag earlier in the afternoon. The three eldest Brigderton men shared the lovely pianoforte they witnessed Isadora performing in the morning and spoke of how she is progressing very, while Eloise, Francesca, and Daphne shared knowing glances over the table.

I love you, I adore you

"Isa, do you have to be better than us at everything?" Eloise teased playfully, nudging Isadora with her elbow.

Isadora looked up, a hint of confusing in her eyes, she went to speak before Violet interjected “ "Eloise is just being foolish, darling, she means well”

Isadora quickly understood and replied "I only wish to be like everyone else Eloise, you are so clever, and Francesca is so graceful, and Daphne—"

"—is the epitome of charm," Francesca finished with a smile, her gaze softening as she looked at her youngest sister.

I lay my life before you

Daphne reached across the table to tousle Isadora's hair gently. "You are quite the storyteller yourself, Isa. Perhaps one day you'll write tales that surpass even Eloise's wild adventures."

Isadora's face lit up with delight at the praise from her sisters. "Do you really think so, Daphne?"

"Absolutely," Daphne assured her. "You have a way with words and a heart as big as all of Mayfair."

I only want you more and more

Violet watched the exchange with a tender smile, her heart swelling with pride at the bond between her daughters. Despite the challenges they had faced as a family, moments like these reminded her of the joy that filled their lives.

And finally it seems

My lonely days are through

Later that night, as Isadora drifted off to sleep, surrounded by the love of her siblings, Violet tucked her in with a sense of peace. The Bridgertons, each unique in their strengths and passions, formed a tapestry of love and support that would guide Isadora through the years ahead.

I've been waiting for you

"You are so loved, Isadora," Violet whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to her daughter's forehead. "Never doubt that."

Isadora stirred, a contented smile playing on her lips. 

I've been waiting…

And as Violet watched over her sleeping daughter, she knew that the bonds of siblinghood, and the enduring love of family would carry Isadora through any storm that life might bring.

…For you

pt2

a/n pt2; thats it guys :( i actually had so much fun writing this and if you want anymore of violet and isa or any of the siblings with isa let me know because i'd love for this to become a little oneshot series typa thing! your feedback is greatly appreciated <3

all my love!

~tulippa

[stuck-writing-sickos]

In Poor Taste [P7]

(Yandere Reader Insert)

[Series Link]

[Content warning: religious trauma, sexual trauma, explicit language, violence, suggestive contents, addiction]

(Real talk? We are in a tie between Lukas and Yuki in terms of reader favorites ( lukas fans are in anonymous asks and they are freaaaaky.) First- sorry for the angst. Second, maybe this will warm some of us up to Lukas? But tbh? I wanna kick his ass all the time. So idk. Like i would NOT let myself near that man but i am an impartial creator. Im curious thooo lmk how we feel abt lukas so far 🫶 aside from wanting to sleep w him.

@perhapstheyregone)

Between interlaced fingers, the gaps seemed forevermore.

[Recap last chapter:

Lukas' POV: Lukas followed you and Yuki out, but his attempt to interrupt the moment was foiled by a very angry and drunk Hanao who argued with Yuki. Lukas could not understand what the argument was about except that it concerned a woman in the foreign dept named Sasaki. Hanao attempted to hit Yuki, but you took the punch instead. In the process, you threw Lukas out of the way and made him hit a wall, which excited him. Yuki noticed Lukas' strange reaction to the pain but did not say anything about it.

Your POV: after the fight, Yuki offered to take you home and asked Lukas to watch over Sasaki for the rest of the party. You and Yuki took a cab to your home. During the ride, you were too shaken up by a text your mother had sent, and it was revealed that your brother (who suffered from addiction) had relapsed. By the time you reached your apartment, it was clearly late for Yuki to take the last train home, but he still offered to walk you up to your door, seeing that you were unwell.

Yuki's POV: on the way upstairs, you cried. He was unsure what happened, but he tried his best to take you to your door, being as gentle as possible. You offered for him to stay the night, given that he was way late for the train. It was revealed here that Yuki was sexually abused by a family friend when he was a teenager, which resulted in his fear of any attempts at flirting coming from women. However, seeing as you did not have any ulterior motives except for trying to make up for the "troubles", he agreed, feeling more compassionate toward you. Here, he noticed that it was his first time willingly saying "yes" to staying the night at any woman's house.)

Lukas didn't like how teritorial he felt anymore. He didn't want to prove himself by sleeping with another person when you slipped away in Sakamoto's arms - even the mere idea made his skin crawl. He liked to tell himself that he was no longer burdened by feeling small and unspecial ever since he stopped going to church and started going to house parties where he would kiss and tell, but the feeling came back from time to time. He felt eyes from above watching him when he messed up women's bedsheet, his pleasure poisoned. "I'm not going back", he would think, "fuck all that", but when the show was over and the girl looked at him with doe eyes to search for aftercare he wanted to smother her with a pillow. But that wouldn't undo what he did.

Sometimes  back in college when he would go back home for the summer, Lukas wanted to cry and beg to be let back into the safety of the church. "I was wrong", in that fantasy he would shout with his knees on the ground, "take me back". The neat front lawn and the rose gardens stayed the same, as did the trickling fountain with the chubby cherub, as did the blooming magnolia and cedar elm, as did the sounds of mourning doves. Still, he felt bare and naked under the blue summer sky with no clouds to shield him from the sun. He wondered if his parents would take him back in were he to come back this time donning the cloth of the progidal son, or if he had to wait for the heaven's gate to be sure of the feast. So he held back, coming back into the air-conditioned living room loud and obnoxious, hugging and kissing his family. Nothing changed. He would go into his childhood bedroom - it would be wiped clean of any dust or spiderweb, his stacks of old videogames laid in the corner, his movie posters on the wall. The blinds would be left ajar, letting sunlight filter through and hit the freshly made bed where he would lie in and notice how small the pillow had gotten. He would wait until dinner was served, and at the table everyone would sidestep his absence from the church. Sometimes, his father would ask for his Sunday plans, to which he would say "I'll meet you guys for lunch". His mother would nod, and the awkward silence would soon be broken by his sister's stories about what happened at school. Lukas couldn't even try to pity their faith - it was cemented into them, sturdy and unchanging. It was so strong, he suspected, that they still held out for him to come back one day and attend mass again. Though, summer would pass and he would pack his back and leave again with a couple of weekends plans in his pocket, missing the haze of liquors and perfume. Next time, maybe.

This summer there weren't any plane flights back to Texas. Instead, he lied in the hard, narrow bed, his leg hanging out of the thin blanket as he stared at the ceiling. Outside, he saw electric wires and concrete apartments spreading until the horizon. It was a different quiet - no cricket, no winds going through the trees, no tinkerings of subtle magic when he would hear an owl hooting over the rooftop. Plain silence, as if the city outskirt was holding its breath to wait for something else to happen.

He wondered about what Sakamoto and you were doing, and a pit opened in his stomach. Lukas thought about what he would do if he were there with you instead. Sex? The idea was hollow and laborious - that wouldn't do. He had come to the realization that he didn't want to do to you what he had done to others - to undress, to use, to fantasize about smothering. Instead, he wanted to get on his knees and listen to you with his head on your laps and his arms wrapping around your legs. He wanted to look up into your eyes to see them unreadable to the point of emptiness and your lips harsh and stern, the same way you looked at the pest who had harrassed you that night at the concert. He wanted you to raise your iron fist and beat him senseless for his beating heart and his unwitting erection. You would disregard the excuse of "I can't help it", refusing the wired-in biological plea of his body. None mattered but the stark difference between sinful and sinless - and he was sinful.

__

Yuki didn't know how it happened. You were on the couch with your quilt wrapped around you, freshly showered with your hair still wet, and he was at the sink making a ginger tea from what ingredients he had procured in your barren pantries and depressing fridge. Then he was seated next to you whose breaths were still short and nervous. He wasn't sure what to say, so he presented the tea to you nervously. You feigned a smile. He didn't. He closed the distance, unable to find anything to say to ease your mind. He asked what happened. You talked. He recognized the people in your stories from all the other conversations, but they used to be just names and surface-level anecdotes. Now he understood, he said. You looked the other way, your quilt slipping off, your neck bare. The water droplets glistened on your skin. He wanted to do something selfish now, but he didn't. In shame he looked down on his laps, feeling heat spreading through his body like a wildfire. He stuttered when he said that he was sorry, and that addictions wasn't something one could control. You said something about you being a coward, but your exact words escaped his spinning head. He said it was hard to be strong all the time, and that he hoped something could happen for you to let your guard down because you didn't deserve to be in survival mode all your life. At that, he glanced over, flinching a little to see you turning to him again, wide-eyed like a deer in headlight. The heat from his body was messing with his ears - he could not hear you correctly when you opened your mouth to speak, but he could make out that you had tripped on your words as well. His breath got caught in his throat. Reasons fled. He brought himself closer quickly, afraid to lose the moment.

But he didn't know how it happened.

No turning off the lights, no getting ready, neither lipstick nor perfume, he had you as you were. He felt heat within him, yet you were even warmer to the touch. You held onto him anxiously, nodding when he asked for your approval, and smiling at him when he was where he needed to be. He didn't notice the time, but it didn't matter - it was a Friday night, and he wasn't supposed to be anywhere else but the cat cafe he had promised to take you tomorrow's morning. This felt right, he thought, and from the look on your face when he leaned in to kiss your again after it was over, you agreed.

__

In the next morning when you saw Sakamoto hestitated before shyly picking up the condom wrapper you both had forgotten on the night stand, you knew he would have questions you didn't want to answer. You didn't say anything as you poured water atop the coffee filter and closed the lid.

"Is it from your last boyfriend?"

You felt his self-consciousness. His bare back was on you, the lines of muscles pressing against one another showing the tension vividly. The dress pants he had put on weren't so defined without the belt, leaving him dishelved. You looked down, feeling anxiety bubbling in your stomach.

"No... just someone I was getting to know."

You always hated this part. This usually would be time for the man to ask how many you'd gone through, what were they like, if they were better in bed. Then, when you refused to answer, they would scoff scornfully to say that you were indeed "openminded". You did not sleep with many people, but you knew any numbers above zero could put a dent in their ego. Nervous now, you swallowed, trying to fix your dry throat.

"It's not too old, is it?"

"3 months ago."

"I never heard about him, but sounds like he wasn't very nice."

At this he turned around. You didn't expect the smile on his face - it wasn't wry and disdainful. You thought it was a little smug, with his nose scrunched and the corner of his lips etching upward to show his teeth. Bashfully laughing, you covered your mouth with your palm, your other hands wrapped around your torso, clutching your shirt.

The playful look on his face dropped at that. You tried not to look at him as he walked over.

"I'm sorry. I was an asshole for that."

"No...", you shook your head, squeezing your eyes shut now.

The air hung heavy. You felt his breath over your shoulders.

"Are you trying to hide from me?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just overwhelmed."

He didn't say anything yet. You felt his arms wrapping around your shoulders, pulling you to his chest. His cool skin soothed your nerves.

"Do you regret it?"

"I was worried you might be."

That wasn't a "no" and you knew he noticed. You had violated your golden rule: no coworkers. Still, you would be a liar to claim that you never thought about him in this way. Those were fleeting thoughts, ones which you brushed off and treated as intrusive fantasies.

Last night proved you wrong.

You worried because outside of this apartment you were somebody else. You had a mother waiting for you to come home and inherit her fortune, a father who sat silently in his study mourning over the only masterpiece he ever wrote, and a brother who had just returned to rehab after three seemingly clean years. Under the sleepy, monotone current of Tokyo you brewed an urgency to come to their aids, to wait for their calls and texts. Every week, your mother's grievances about your father's lovers sat on your screen like a sour reminders. Any other, your brother would ask for money, and were you to see it fit you would monitor all the pictures he sent for signs of relaspe before wiring him what he asked, little by little, making sure to let your parents know behind his back. Sooner or later, a part of you knew the house of card you had built in Tokyo would topple under their breaths. You remembered the ultimatum they had given - if something serious happened to your brother, you were to go home.

Last night was a close call.

"It would be difficult at first, yes... but I think it will be okay eventually. I think my family will like you."

Your heart dropped. Your voice had no weight as you choked out "what?", stunned. Readjusting your body so you could face him, you saw his earnest eyes gazing at you.

"What?" - he asked back, puzzled.

"What do you mean your family?"

"I thought we were- I thought you-

He stumbled over his words, the light in his eyes dimming. His mouth was left hung open. He left his thoughts dormant at the tip of his tounge for way too long before painfully whispering "I thought this meant something."

You were frozen in his arms like a statue. He held you, his arms dropping down to your side, fingers lacing tighter than before. You wanted to say something, afraid that he would leave.

"It does."

"Then... the next step is to get to know each other, right?"

"Yes, but... what do you mean your family would like me?"

Was he thinking marriage because he felt he had used your body improperly? Or was he playing the same, disappointing game of overcommitment to string you along?

"It's..."

He went red to the tip of his ears.

"I was hoping we would get somewhere serious... but my family is complicated."

You didn't squirm away from him like you had planned to yet. Instead, you let your head fall to his chest, weary.

"Mine too."

The soft sunlight had turned into a glare through your curtain. You felt your skin dampen under the heat of his body when you asked - "so then... what do we do?"

He didn't say anything as he held you tighter.

"I can get through it with my family... but I-

You had mistaken his fear for indecision. Pulling yourself away, you had your eyes cast down and let the sinking feeling wash over. Whatever, you thought, the moment was real, but perhaps it ought to stay that way. It was for the best - after all, nobody made any promises. Swallowing all the tenderness you had felt and all the moments you had watched his kindness shine, you felt the weight of your family leaning against you.

He helplessly watched, unable to say that he didn't want you to suffer what was in store.

[wrestletotheground]

settle down - ross macdonald x reader

summary: you and ross are staying in your old house with your family for the weekend, but you find it hard to keep quiet when everyone's asleep...

wc: 1.9k

cw: 18+ minors dni!!! f!reader, angst, fluff, smut, dom!ross, 'good girl', fingering, gagging, slight degradation, choking kink, d word bc i can't help myself, spit, general filth tbh x

'i can't believe i'm actually about to sleep in the bed you grew up in,' ross says, shaking his head in disbelief as he pulls off his tshirt, climbing into bed beside you. 'I can't believe you've spent the day with my insane parents and are willing to stay here for two whole nights', you reply with a giggle.

your parents had been tormenting you to have him over for dinner ever since you moved in together a month ago, claiming you were both in need of a decent meal and a break from dirty dishes.

you'd finally agreed to go back and stay for the weekend. obviously ross got on well with your family as they'd met countless times before, but having him stay over, sleeping in your childhood room, feels daunting. as if it's the final layer he has to go through to know every part of you inside and out.

your parents are well asleep by now, having gone upstairs just before you and ross. with the emptiness in the living room, you'd straddled his lap, grinding into him softly as you littered kisses down his neck.

his heavy breathing was an indicator of how worked up he was getting, although it was less sexual and more passionate, a simple display of your love for each other. shortly after, you'd both gone up to get ready for bed, lovesick and giggly.

~

darkness floods the room with a click as you turn off the old pink lamp beside your bed.

'goodnight baby,' you say to ross as he presses a loving kiss to your temple. 'night sweetheart,' he murmurs, letting his hand fall down to your stomach as he settles his head into the pillow beside you. the warmth of his body is comforting and strong beside you, but your thoughts are elsewhere.

a wave of intense emotion starts to take over as you lie awake staring at the ceiling, your mind racing. the nostalgia of being in the room you grew up in is making your head flood with memories of long sleepless nights spent in this exact place. many a night were filled with tears and hopelessness, going through things no young girl should ever even have to think about. you're doing so much better now, having created a new life and a new home for yourself with your perfect fiancé. your eyes brim with fresh tears as you lie mourning the lost teenager that once sat here. you wish you could give her a hug and tell her that it truly does get better.

you take a deep breath to calm yourself, before shakily placing your hand over ross's, needing him close to you. the feeling of him beside you relaxes you, it always does. you can't help the flutter of arousal that runs through you at the pressure of his hand weighing down on your lower abdomen.

his eyes open suddenly, flicking up towards you. you didn't even think he was still awake with how sleepy he'd been only moments beforehand. you snap your eyes shut, as if that would trick him.

'baby, are you okay? what's wrong?' he asks sleepily. he props himself up on his elbow and brings a hand to your face to caress your cheek gently.

you turn to face him. 'yeah, I'm just- it's okay, don't worry, I'll be fine. just need you close to me'. 'darling, what's up? talk to me'. his voice is laced with concern and you silently curse his ability to read you like a book at all times.

'I was just.. thinking about how happy I am now, compared to how it was when I was younger. I used to think I was- I don't know, broken. but everything has gotten better since I met you, and not to be too sappy but I'm so glad I get to make happier memories here with the love of my life'.

'god you're making me emotional too, love,' he smiles and kisses you gently. 'I love you, and im so glad we found each other.' you look into his eyes adoringly and smile. 'i love you too', you reply.

you settle down into each other, ross lying on his side with his arm across you. the ache between your legs is still there, but you decide to close your eyes and try get some sleep.

until his hand begins to rub up and down your thigh, inching further and further up with each stroke before he rests it on your hip, fingertips rubbing in light circular motions dangerously close to where you need him.

you need him to fuck you so badly, but the risk of being heard is so high. you know you wouldn't be able to control yourself with the way you melt into him as he worships you.

'mmh ross, we can't, not here', you mumble, instinctively leaning into his touch despite your words. 'why not?' he asks, smirking up at you as he presses light kisses down your neck. 'i want to but my parents are next door, the walls in this house are like paper.'

he lifts his head up, the warmth of his breath tickling your ear. 'well you'll have to be quiet then won't you, love?' he whispers, dipping his hand under the waistband of your underwear. you exhale sharply as his fingers graze over your clit, instantly making you wet. 'fuck,' you breathe, squeezing your thighs in around his hand. 'ah ah, you're gonna take it like a good girl aren't you?' he says softly, grabbing your leg closest to him and pulling it up over his to give him more access.

you writhe under him as his two middle fingers continue to swipe lazily up and down, stopping suddenly. 'aren't you?' he says again, his eyes stern. 'yes- mmh- i'll be good,' you whimper desperately, earning a grunt of approval. 'there we go, relax darling, let me look after you', he replies.

the endless band posters and picture frames that cover the walls seem to be watching on in silent judgement, making you hyper aware of where you are. to be honest, the immorality and risk of it all is just making you more turned on, more desperate for him than ever.

he traces your soaked entrance teasingly before slipping his middle finger in to the knuckle, making you gasp, your back arching into him. 'shh, you said you'd be good,' he mutters, curling his finger inside you and stroking upwards. your eyes roll into your head at the heavenly sensation.

he doesn't waste time before adding another and you can't help the sound that spills from your throat, louder than you expected. he stills inside you, your slick dripping down his fingers. your heart pounds in your chest as you meet his eyes, looking down at you with a heavy gaze.

'if you're not quiet I'll give you something to whine about and we don't want that do we?' he's practically growling at you, making you like putty in his hands. 'n-no, please, daddy' you whine under your breath. the magic word. his breath hitches and his eyes roll back into his head. 'fuck, there's my girl', he whispers, his eyes snapping back to yours instantly.

with that, he starts moving in and out, dipping his fingers in as deep as they can go and drawing them back again in quick, fluid motions. obscene sounds break the silence of the room, barely noticeable above the haze of pleasure taking over your body.

your walls pulse around him, enhancing the feeling even more. he throws his right leg up over yours, holding your legs open for him. he curls his fingers inside you, using his thumb at the same time to press into your clit, hard. you have to hold your breath to suppress the scream that's lingering in the back of your throat, coming out in a pathetic barely audible whimper as you exhale.

his other hand creeps around the back of your head, never slowing his rhythm between your thighs. he reaches your mouth and covers it tightly with his whole palm, muffling any more noises you would've let out. suddenly he shoves three digits into your mouth, making you gag as they hit the back of your throat. you close your lips around them and start sucking, swirling your tongue around and coating him in spit, never breaking eye contact. he groans softly, flashbacks filling his mind of how your mouth feels around his cock.

your mouth hangs open as he hits the deep part inside you and your eyebrows furrow, hips bucking into his hand in time with his movements. he's fucking you hard and fast, pinning you to the mattress.

'ross, I can't - mfh- fuck, i'm -' you start, although it comes out muffled and strained around his fingers that are still deep in your mouth. the vibration of your voice goes straight through his hand, the sensation making him feral.

'one more fucking word from you and you're never going to finish do you hear me?' he whispers aggressively, eyes stern. you nod your head in silent response, eyes fluttering shut for a moment.

he takes his fingers out of your mouth, dragging his soaked hand down to your neck and presses in on either side just below your jaw, all the while his fingers are working you to your core. you bite your lip as you gaze up at him, completely at his mercy and loving every second of it.

he reaches a particularly deep spot inside you that makes your stomach coil. your head is spinning, face scrunched up in excruciating pleasure, on the brink of the peak you've been desperately chasing as his strokes get quicker and more precise.

'please...' it's barely a whisper, more of a breathy plea for him to let you come. 'let go. let me fucking feel you all over me. pretty. little. slut.' each word is punctuated by a hard thrust into you, the final one sending you over the edge.

your vision turns to white and you clasp a hand over your mouth to stop yourself from screaming, your hips rolling into his hand as you ride out your high. his hand that's now drenched, warm honey dripping down onto his palm.

you exhale sharply as he pulls his fingers out, bringing them up in front of you and spreading the two middle ones that were curling inside you moments ago. a wet string of your arousal connects them at the knuckle and you watch him dazedly. he drags them almost reluctantly towards his mouth, as if he didn't want to stop looking, and runs his tongue up the wide v shape, collecting your juices into his mouth.

it's a filthy sight that leaves you awestruck. he smirks at you as you lie gazing at him, being broken out of your lustful trance when he leans in to kiss you. as soon as your lips part his mouth is hovering above yours as he taps your jaw lightly. you open your mouth wider and he takes his chance to slowly spit into your mouth. the taste of the two of you is warm and feral and addictive.

he whispers again, breath ghosting over your lips. 'good girl'. you're too flustered to respond with words, so you slide your hand up around the back of his neck and pull him into another kiss. tongues moving languidly against each other. it's loving and soft, a stark contrast to what he was like moments ago, but you wouldn't have it any other way.

~

[theidiotwhowritesthings]

"never considered myself a Tumblr staple" MY BUTT. I HAVE SAT AT THIS WINDOWSILL FOR MONTHS LOOKING OUT WONDERING WHEN MY HUSBAND WOULD RETURN FROM WAR. real talk tho I kind of mourned you for a day bc I thought something horrible happened (tbh I for a fleeting moment thought you died lmao im delusional af ignore me) and just kept rereading AFS and TCOY to keep your memory alive and im so glad youre back!!!

I'm literally CACKLING. I have returned, my love, worry not. And don't worry my mind also jumps to the most dramatic worst case scenario as well lol. But, I am alive and (mostly) well and I am trying to get back into the swing of things. I'm writing TCOY between my OG stuff (took a look at AFS and I think I'll need to get back into a Din mindset before I can do that justice) but I'm also working full time and trying to buy a house and get a medical license for a whole new state lol

[bhaalbaaby]

been thinking about astarion's pre-vampire past mainly because of the little star reference for his name. he never once mentions his parents throughout the gameplay and it's probably because he doesn't remember them since he barely remembers anything from before.

i think he would believe he's forgotten to them similar to the doesn't believe in gods conversation with Gale since no one answered, no one came to his rescue. i think his parents mourned him and missed him dearly because he was so young when he 'died' and they did have a funeral for him. he was not a forgotten body in a sense put in an unmarked grave. he has a gravestone albeit it was abandoned with moss and leaves overgrowing it. i think in the beginning he might want to know why they didn't come searching for him and why they didn't fight for him since he was murdered. I'm sure the gur who beat him up got punished for it and they may have left it at that.

but i wonder if unascended astarion would want to know them if they're alive. being a magistrate, I'm sure there are records to find them and his whole family tree tbh. it would be a lot on both sides. i can imagine his parents would be heartbroken to know their son is an undead monster but also somehow elated that their child is alive. astarion probably wouldn't want to exhume the past unless asked by tav. like it'd dawn on him that he doesn't remember everything about them and may place blame on them for not searching for him and looking when again they didn't know. i think he'd need to do some soul-searching if they were ever to meet for his heart to be able to take it. and i think for it to be successful, his parents would have had to be good ones lol. if they were strictly noble and had others do the parenting, i think it would only cause more stress than needed for him.

ascended astarion would probably run into his parents and be unaware they are his parents in my opinion. he becomes power-hungry and takes over where cazador left off ei cazador's palace becomes astarion's and most likely so does his legal power. i feel as though if his parents confronted him about being their long-lost child he'd play along with it but may either kill them or turn them into spawns following the blame of they didn't look for him or try to help him.

im just musing and headcanonning. i may make a post musing on how he was raised another day since I'm interested in this train of thought especially considering his va think he would have wanted to be a father. i hope they were caring before, going back to his name of astarion, if he was their little star. they probably celebrated him quite a bit and let him run wild and be spoiled and get whatever he wants. lol I'm getting ahead of myself ;-;

[synthwayve]

Who are your FIVE favorite Bloodborne characters and also why? (Yes sorry there are three more to choose from besides Micolash and Laurence 😞)

Thank you for the ask!! This really made me think tbh

1. Micolash (to nobody’s surprise)

He was actually not the first bloodborne boss fight I ever saw, but his fight captivated me nonetheless. His design is just so COOL. I can’t get over it. I always saw him as a gigantic meme but then I got into the lore more and realized wow, this character has a lot to him! Medical malpractice, insanity, possible regret, you name it! I always thought his contrast against what I’d heard of Laurence was interesting too, and now that I’m deep in the trenches it just gets better haha.

2. Rom (okay this might be a bit surprising)

As much as I draw other characters, Rom is super close to my heart. Im not the sharpest crayon in the box(and never have been) so her character is very endearing to me: I see her as having been the sort of person who yearns to be useful. To be good at something. Everyone could reassure her that “you don’t have to be smart or talented, you’re kind!” But when you’re surrounded by the extraordinary, the bar of “decent person” just doesn’t cut it. I think she ascended in an attempt to fix this, to be “special” like her peers, and not the sometimes-funny airheaded woman she thinks they take her to be. Also, her design is just very cool x,D

3. Laurence

His character has a lot of sides, which is ironic since he is a dlc boss and has maybe 4 lines of dialogue total lmao. I think that he had good intentions that rotted under the weight of his leadership, and he’s definitely super fun to work with on his own even outside of other character dynamics. If he’s manipulative and bordering on cruel, why is he like that? If he’s sweet but just misguided, why didn’t he give up on the blood before it blew up in his face? Should we feel bad for him? Should we feel angry? There’s a lot to think about- he’s a fun character to both design and interpret!

4. Caryll

I love Caryll’s entire concept, and the Caryll-rune system is particularly interesting to me. I like how many sides there can be to this character! I’ve always been one to heavily reference lore, but not tie myself down to it, so I just like their general vibe and the possibilities of their placement in the story. I’m sure if I stuck to the lore religiously I’d actually like them a bit less, since to me, the mystery around them is a big part of the character! I like to imagine their relations with the others too :)

5. Edgar

This was really hard to pick between him and Damian tbh, I put them at about the same level. Edgar is very flexible as a character but he has solid lore points that can’t be easily ignored, which I really appreciate! His possible dynamic with Micolash is always super interesting and I love the juxtaposition of a very accountant-coded character lugging around Ludwig’s Holy Blade with the full intention to punt you into the moon. As for Damian, I just have a particular soft spot for characters that are “right-hands” to a leader, left to mourn or act in their absence. The coolheaded assistant type has always been appealing to me, and I like that both of them have a very short presence in game but the fandom has widely made them bigger players!

Thanks again for the ask! It was a lot of fun to think about :) I love a lot of the BB characters honestly, narrowing down to top 5 made me *sweat* haha. If we had a top 6, Maria would be next!

[spikeinthepunch]

here it is boys.... 2023 summary

view all of my art summaries here!

this sure was the year of humans...! which i predicted after last year. so, time to talk about it. below the cut

as mentioned in last year's summary, 2022 was a weird year that started off pretty awful and left me so mentally drained and upset. i kind of talked about it, but it doesnt matter at this point. it felt like more of an escape to draw humans at first, as i was trying to pull myself away from what i had been drawing before.

towards the end of 2022 i felt myself drawing humans easier as i got into it. march 2022 versus december 2022 was a huge improvement. and now.... well, i draw humans with ease at this point, and i like how my art turns out with them.

i have been slowly trying to change how i go about drawing though. since 2022 i was hanging on to how i used to draw with warrior cats-- thinner lines, smaller details, trying to be "realistic" in many way when it came to anatomy or color (tending to default to simple images that didnt have reason for wacky colors). some of the non human art i have here, the stuff w my sona esp, was me trying to loosen up a bit. i felt like i couldnt do it w the art i was doing already? like id 'mess up' what i was already doing well.

but during those few months i managed to apply it to the Lisa fan art i was doing, and from then i have felt like i was starting to acheive this new flow. im hoping to get deeper into the stylized habits-- ways that i used to draw. sharp lines with cut edges, or exaggerated wobbly ones. neon colors. anatomy that isnt always realistic. being loose again.

ive particularly been looking back at 2019. that is a.... complicated feeling year now. obviously, right before the pandemic. i do often wonder where my art would have gone if things hadnt gone south-- i think my art that year was especially "weird" bc i was going to college, chasing my art career dreams, etc. i was at my internship at a studio, i was seeing all kinds of ppl in the industry with intents to go and work there. i dont wanna mourn too much here, but the point is that certain environments definitely breed these changes. and right now- since 2020- i havent had any different kind of environment...!

things feel at a standstill since 2020 and im not sure when that will change. i would like it to change bc i think i may be going insane tbh. heres to hoping i can find more creative outlets, and some new environments to enjoy next year.

[amalgamezz]

About your aro post in your tags you said you don’t care for any loves (romantic, familial [<- I don’t feel that one too :D] etc.) does that go for friendships as well? Or are you more of a person who doesn’t care for connection at all? I hope I worded that right…

heya, thank you for this ask, and no worries, your wordings are fine! sorry, this will be a long one because my audhd demands that i should provide full contexts 😔

as i interacted and got to know more about aplatonic and loveless communities, i found a certain solidarity/kinship with them. ever since i was in elementary, friendship has never been something i actively seek myself. i still got along well with classmates. my relationships with coworkers are chill and good. i have mutuals and friendly acquaintances here and there to talk about our shared interests. i try to maintain a good relationship with my family because capitalism sucks ass, especially for single people. in a way, this, too, is how i practice relationship anarchy — to give each casual and non-casual relationship i have a function and learn to appreciate them instead of putting the burdens on one or two committed relationships. for me, friendship has become a label for happy coincidences born out of those relationships after long and frequent interactions, if both parties desire a name for it. i have some positive connections with friends who i trust with my life, and i would mourn intensively should i lose them, but tbh, im not sure if i would personally call it "love".

i was lovequeer before i am loveless. im actually still considering myself lovequeer in a way that i strongly believe that love doesnt have to be romantic and that no kind of love is superior to the other. my personal relationship with love is complicated, but mostly sour. as an aro, i am a fierce defender of non-romantic loves. it annoys me greatly when people casually throw amatonormative phrases such as "there is no platonic explanation for this" or "friends dont do that" around. it is usually a hopeless and lonely battle because people dont really care about "not all loves are romantic" until you reject the concept of love altogether. more often than not, it becomes a gotcha towards aros who express their frustration with obsession over love by society.

this frustration, too, drew me closer to the concept of lovelessness. lovelessness means different things to different people, but for me, its the rejection of love being a superior, necessary, or moral trait of a human being. i had a knee-jerk reaction at first when i learned the term, but the more i read about it and introspect, the more it resonates with me. i remember how my parents hit me when i was a kid. i remember my aunt chewed me out in front of my entire family for expressing my wish to stay single and childless. i remember being driven to tears as my dad sneakily threw out a gift from my friend that i hung on my car and replaced it with a rosary. when asked why, they said because they wanted what was best for me. because they wanted me to be happy. because they loved me. it all sounded contradictory, but i have been with them long enough to know that they were being genuine. i dont wanna think its not a real love because i dont find it useful and more often than not, it only makes me question myself if i have been a fair evaluator and get guilty when i think im not. instead, i just have to accept that good intentions dont always bring good outcomes. their love is real, but its like a sun that burns and hurts more intensively the closer i get to it. i started coming to terms with love being a neutral but strong emotional motive that drives humans to do something — just like pleasure, joy, anger, sadness, envy, etc. whether you do good, bad, or neither because of it solely depends on you. i can acknowledge that they love me, but that doesnt mean they should be able to use it as an excuse to hurt me. this applies to all kinds of love.

i have nothing against love or the people who cherish it, but as i start dissecting and understanding more about love, it becomes less and less significant in my life. i start to realise that i dont need to love someone to bring them happiness or do good for them. i dont need to love my friends to care for or emotionally support them when they need it. i dont need to love my mutuals or even strangers to consider donating for their groceries. i dont need to love the victims of war to condemn the hideous crimes committed against them by some certain govts. love doesnt make me human. i just simply am, and im happy with the loveless relationships/connections i currently have.

[akkivee]

mentally ill about stage mtr if i’m being quite honest lol:

*collapses to my knees* AYUKAWA TAIYOU I KNOW YOU CANT HEAR ME AND WOULDNT BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ME IF YOU COULD BUT I NEED YOU TO KNOW I WOULD D—

*crying* LIKE PLS THIS MANS DANCING BRINGS ME TO LITERAL TEARS

IF YOU LOOKED UP ON MEME DICTIONARIES UNDER ‘HAVE YOU SEEN A MAN SO BEAUTIFUL YOU STARTED CRYING’ AYUKAWA TAIYOUS JAKURAI WOULD BE PICTURED

I QUITE LITERALLY DOWNLOADED BLENDER ON MY LAPTOP TO LEARN HOW TO 3D MODEL HE HAD ME DOWN SO BAD AFTER WATCHING HIM PERFORM BLAST WOLF FOR THE FIRST TIME

I CANT BELIEVE THE STAGE TOOK HIS JAKURAI AWAY FROM HIM AND FROM US HE HELD IT TOGETHER BUT MANS WAS PRACTICALLY CRYING AT THE FINAL BOP2023 PERFORMANCE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—

god like…………………………. this is some of the hardest loss i’ve been struggling to process i can’t imagine anyone else playing such a flawless 2.5D sensei other than ayukawa-san 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

he and hayami-san had the time of their lives making dad jokes in front of thousands lol during their cross talk and i’ll never forget the slight awe he had when hayami-san made a pun using his name lol

it was a sun = taiyou kinda joke iirc and i feel like he did use it further down the line 😭😭😭😭

UGH ugh uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh god the stage mtr scene i never stop thinking about was their rep live skit, the last one i think????? where dohifu got into hijinks trying to stop sensei from doing his job bc they were worried he’d consumed alcohol via treats hifumi brought

they wound up circling him and then lifting him off the ground in a very strange but hilarious sequence of events and jakurai laughingly told them it’d been a very long time since he’d been carried in any sort of fashion and he thanked them for bringing fun into his life EXCEPT!!!!!! ITS AN AD-LIB AND IM CERTAIN THAT WAS AYUKAWA-SAN TOUCHED BY HOW MUCH FUN HE WAS HAVING WITH THEM I HATE IT HERE

i can’t remember which day of bop2023 it was but in that mad scramble of wardrobe changes he accidentally had a button left undone on his tdd jakurai shirt and i know how that sounds that i noticed it but the way he smoothly buttoned it as he descended stairs is even more seared into my brain lmao

ayukawa-san is buff as hell lmao the ease at which he carried ramuda during king of kings was immaculate lmao and i’m not strong enough to pretend like i didn’t imagine a gym bros hitojaku au based on how swole they are lmao

he breached the 190cm mark in height and the way he reacts to others reacting to his height cracks me up lmao throwback to that one time he walked in to record bright and dark i think and one of the staff just blurted out, ‘you’re huge!!!!!’ and ayukawa-san responded, ‘i sure am!!!!! 😃’ LOL

in the interest of talking about the other actors i’m cutting myself off but i’m not joking when i say i hate here pls i always quote this but hayami-san was so right when he said the stage actors can’t just be easily replaced, they are the characters for a lot of people too 😭😭😭😭

hirofumi-san’s hifumi was peak host ngl lol

the bat and mtr actors got along insanely well after their play and the way hirono-san and ide-san bullied hirofumi-san only for it to just like, bounce off the man bc he was that self assured and a diva is so funny lmao but that’s exactly why his host hifumi was flawless lol

not that his hifumin wasn’t fun either!!!!!!! stage hifumin doesn’t get to be as silly as his canon counterpart so i can’t blame hirofumi-san for that lol

but his switch from hifumin to host is so insane like i don’t have words to describe how it rotted my brain tbh lmao

so like, i definitely mourned kodai-san’s doppo when he left the role but ik it was bc i liked how obvious he played doppo’s crush on jakurai LOL

ide takuya had me by the balls the moment i saw him tho but we’ll get back to that in a sec lol i still weep over the puppy dog eyes kodai-san always gave sensei lol

throwback to that time he asked sensei to pump his stomach (iirc) and was very disappointed when jakurai shot him down before he could finish the sentence LOL

vocally, i like his doppo a smidge 🤏 better like his screaming hits different than ide-san’s and i do find myself missing it sometimes listening to stage mtr’s older songs lol

but enough about him let’s talk about idedoppo LOL

i’m not kidding when i say i stanned from the the moment i saw him but i am uniquely weak to long haired punks you can’t put him in front of me and expect me to not accept him immediately LOL

he goes so crazy as dopopoppo too THAT FINAL BOP2023 WHERE HE RAN YARDS TO DEFEND HIFUMI????? HE HAD THE CROWD YELLING DURING HIS SOLO IN MTRS REP LIVE????? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

him messing with hirofumi-san for not being able to do finger choreography and hirofumi-san tickled by being messed with 🥺🥺🥺

(hirofumi-san very much could do the finger choreography when it mattered btw lmao)

AND THE SONG HE MADE UNDER HIS OWN NAME DEDICATED TO DOHIFU?????????? AND HAD HIROFUMI-SAN GUEST STAR IN THE MV?????? PLS THEY LOVED MTR I HATE IT HERE

[pansyboybloom]

tbh? yall should mourn that i keep all my spooky scary angsty schizo thoughts to myself, i'm so funny when im paranoid and angry and self harmy

[lifeneedsrot]

🌲already outdated.

filthyrottenworm ——> lifeneedsrot

🔭no minors allowed! We dont post much NSFW we just are extremely uncomfortable around minors and want our boundaries respected

🔭hi! We’re the Starship System! There’s 26 of us, one for each letter of the alphabet. We are traumagenic and DIAGNOSED with DiD, and a pro-endogenic former sysmed! We have no real “host” but Maverick fronts the most. We use emojis to represent who’s speaking online. We are anti-harassment and anti-censorship, aka “proship” (even though we barely participate in fandom and don’t actually “ship” anything)! If you’ve got a problem, block us forever, because we will accidentally refollow you.

🥀we tag all posts with the alter’s name and starshipsys

🐰this account is for finding Real friends. We are more open about ourselves on this account and more guarded on our Starshipsys account. If we follow you then we’re open to being Friends.

⚓️no DNI except minors (under 18). We block liberally. Introductions below the cut. Ageless bios are usually blocked, minors always blocked.

Emoji - name - pronouns - headspace age

🧤 - Agate - they/them - 8

Agate exists to promote healthy expression of emotions.

🧤hi. I’m usually sad. Oh apparently that wasn’t enough of an intro I was gonna leave it at that. Um. I like talking to people. I’m kind of stuck in memories of really bad times so I’ll probably talk about bad things that happened a long time ago. I want our system to express our feelings now when we can because we used to never be allowed to. So sometimes I front to tell people what we’re really feeling and be vulnerable and stuff.

🪩 - Boppie - they/them - 21

Boppie exists to have fun and hold our party-loving feelings and maintain our in-person social status.

🪩Hey!!!!!!! I’m TONS of fun, I like dancing, I like being loud, and I like not giving a shit. I’m totally chill. I’m better at in person interactions than online, tbh. I wanna go to a rave and to a bunch of conventions and festivals and parades and honestly if it’s a loud party, I wanna be there. Unforchy maverick says No Never to all my wants and needs, waaaaaahhh. Can’t even drink alcohol. Can’t EVEN have COFFEE. No substances allowed. I’ll prolly talk about wanting to try shit and whine about how nobody lets me have any fun. I like music and singing and sometimes I play around on beepbox to make songs. I’m awful at it lawl but it’s fun!! I can’t survive without constant stimulation, so like, stimulate me. LMAO

♠️ - Cole - he/it - 21

Cole exists as a living manifestation of blades, and guards us from using sharp objects for self-harm or for harming others except to protect.

♠️Hey. I’m not great at talking to people. But I do enjoy conversations. Sometimes. Im a living knife. I used to date Quasi in headspace but I broke up with them after they tried to claw my eye out. To be fair I treated them horribly throughout that relationship. I consider myself a recovered persecutor because of how I used to treat them versus how I am now. I like blades and I’m aroused by blood. But I’m trying to avoid hurting people. I talk about death and mourning because I perceive my Quasi (Quasarinova) to be dead and replaced by the current Quasi (Quasiren). Which is part of the reason why I broke up with them.

🐰 - Daisy - she/any - 7

Daisy represents one half of unconditional love: “be yourself and you’ll be loved as yourself.” She also holds parts of our hypersexuality.

🐰hi!!! I get mad when people try to make us bend to be someone we’re not. And what we are is WEIRD and if you got a problem with that then block us or we’ll block you. I am ICKY and we are ICKY and if you don’t like that then BLOCK US FOREVER!!!!! But if you’re niceys we’re super nice c: !!! I love Tazzy and my little pony and sometimes I say everypony instead of everybody. WE SHOULD PLAY PONY TOWN TOGETHER. I can show you aaaall our ponies!!! We got one for every one of us. So 26 ponies. They’re the best representation of our headspace appearance for now. I like Disney movies I think but I haven’t seen many

🔭 - Estella - they/she - 21

Estella holds our love for technology and indie videogames, but their purpose is mainly to promote in-sys relationships and take care of the emotional needs of other alters by matchmaking.

🔭Hi!!! I hope we can be friends :3 I like Slay the Princess right now!! I’m a forever fan of minecraft and spore. In-sys relationships are extremely important to us, so I’ll probably talk a lot about that. Haven and I are girlfriends! Tazelein and Daisy are something… Starbound is starting to forgive Kakxyl, so they might get back together! Present and Cole might be together someday but neither of them are ready yet and I don’t want to pressure them. Maverick and Quasi are taking it slow, too. The XYZ primordials are forever married soulmates in a poly triangle or whatever. Whenever my headmates start to get along really well, I get ecstatic and front to happy ramble about it! I’m hoping I can take care of all of our emotional needs by setting alters up with each other. It’s to avoid codependency. Also, I made our headspace in minecraft! We should play minecraft together! If I can figure out how to make it work… also the proportions in our minecraft world are a little off.

🐁 - Fobi - it/she - adolescent

Fobi holds the “flee” stress response and its purpose is to run away when we are in danger.

🐁if I front its a bad sign. I only front when we’re in danger or if someone forces me to front. I exist only to run and I am in a constant state of fear. Estella wants me to not be in a constant state of fear but I don’t know what that would be like. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I want to survive. I want to survive at all costs and I will do whatever we need to do to survive. We’re nothing more than a frightened animal. But I can be strategic, too. I recognize what is needed. I will put the most necessary alter in front, and sometimes that’s me, to run. Sometimes it’s someone else, like Starbound, to fight.

🦇 - Grim - it/its - adolescent

Grim holds the “fawn” stress response and its purpose is to adore and dote on people to prevent us from being hurt by them or to prevent them from leaving us.

🦇hi… I don’t know what to say… I’m also not very good at talking… I want more friends though. Do I have to write more? Okay… I want to be hurt. My description up there is a little weird. I’m not sure I like it. I don’t prevent people from hurting me. I… make myself very available to be hurt… because we need it. We need people to be around us more than we need anything else… and people hurt the people they’re around… so we have to be okay with being hurt. More than okay. I learned to love it. So please, if it’s the only thing that’ll keep you from leaving, hurt me. I’m more afraid of being alone than anything else…

🌺 - Haven - she/he - 21

Haven exists to express genuine love and care for our friends, family, and partners.

🌺Send us asks!!! Talk to me!!! Say hello!!!! Be our friend!!!! I promise we’re way nicer than you think. We don’t bite! Except some of us do bite. And I’ll bite if you ASK me to bite. But mostly we don’t bite. I usually talk about the people we love! Our friends! I hope you can become one of our friends, too. Because we have a severe friendship deficit.

✏️ - Indigo - they/them - 12

Indigo holds our hopes, dreams, and interests from Middle School.

✏️I LOVE STARSET AND WINGS OF FIRE. Those are my two favoritest things ever, especially wings of fire. I could talk about wings of fire forever. I write wings of fire fanfics. I also LOVE undertale and deltarune!!! I want to make a really cool indie game but I don’t think I have the skills to, so I stick to writing stories where I KNOW I can do it. I am good at writing but I almost never get past the prewriting stages. I also like reading fantasy stories. Sometimes. We haven’t read a good series in forever. We like Tamora Pierce’s books though! We’re not caught up on everything though. We also draw and are trying to draw a portrait of every one of us!

🎊 - Jynx - she/any - ageless

Jynx holds narcissism and a God complex. Her purpose is to hold insecurity that is expressed as superiority.

🎊fuck that description, I’m literally awesome. Anyway. I’m actually a god, for realsies. I’m the best thing ever. You should bow down and worship me. I’m not insecure. I’m genuinely awesome. Okay, that sounds insecure. I’m serious. Kakxyl is my dad, Lynx is my brother, Present is sort of my sister because it was raised alongside me. My dad is literally beyond godhood. He ascended so many times it’s like unbelievable. And im going to rule the world one day, so you should get on my good side.

🍠 - Kakxyl - he/any - eternal

Kakxyl’s role is to help other alters change their roles.

🍠Greetings. I like breaking people out of patterns of thought. There is not much for me to say. I am an ancient being, technically older than the primordials, and I may never truly die. However, death is merely a transformation into something else, and I shall always be an entity of transformation. The end of one thing is the beginning of another. I change, and I end, and I transform, as all things do, though my consciousness may remain uninterrupted, I experience slow and continuous death through change. All entities must die throughout their lives, many times. All creatures must transform through time. You are not the same you as you were yesterday. You will be someone else tomorrow. As stable as you view your identity to be, you transform as much as any other entity. You die. You have died. You will die. You are always dying. And you are always reborn.

🫐 - Lynx - he/any - ageless

Lynx holds the “freeze” stress response and will front when there are too many emotions vying to be expressed at once.

🫐I once had no voice, but now I can speak. Or type, I guess. Hm. What to say about myself. I want to learn fencing. I know how to wield a sword in headspace, but front body doesn’t. We also need to learn more ASL. I usually front because I’m emotionally numb in comparison to the others. So I front when the others are too emotional to make rational decisions.

⚓️ - Maverick - they/he - 21

Maverick is the captain of the system and makes the final call on all decisions, as well as the “host” who fronts the most.

⚓️damn this is a weird intro post. Why did we do it like this. Anyway I’m as close to host as we have. I’m the captain. I make the final call on all important decisions. I like boats. Front body never learned to swim, so we need to do that before we can go out on the water. I want to travel. I want to visit all fifty states and a few other countries. We’re from USA if you couldn’t tell.

🍥 - Nyan - he/she - 6

Nyan holds innocent childlike interests and emotions that we were unable to express when we were physically a child.

🍥Hi! I love making friends and talking to people and candy and legos. Hehe I am friends with daisy and agate. I like kitties and I named myself after Nyan cat. Meow :3!!!!!! I want to play minecraft and get super good at it and also I like the sims 3 and 4 but only with the pets pack added for kitties and spore and I like ummm lots of things! I used to collect littlest pet shops but I donno where they went. I like running in circles but front body is too tired all the time for that. I like stuffies and I like cuddles. I like ice cream also.

🚀 - Oscar - he/him - adult

Oscar’s role is to push people away to protect the system from being hurt by others.

🚀I don’t trust easily. If you do earn my trust, don’t break it. I do hold a grudge. I personally think our system would be safest alone, without dealing with outsiders. But everyone else is pretty convinced we can’t be happy alone.

🩵 - Present - she/it - adult

Present’s role is to mourn our lost relationships, but hold hope that we can heal.

🩵I hope you’re not off-put by all the strange introductions. We’re trying to reach outside our comfort zone to make more friends. So, hello. Don’t be shy, please. I think an important part of healing is opening ourselves up to form new friendships. We’ve been hurt a lot. We’ve hurt people, too. Our ex partner system accused us of grooming them because we were 19 and they were 17. It was a horribly toxic and abusive relationship for both systems, but we’re not a groomer, and we didn’t deserve thousands of people persecuting us online. A lot of our system feels like we’ll never be able to move past that relationship. It was such a defining part of our identity, and then our entire community was ripped away from us in one motion when we were cancelled off of that website. But we’re ready to rebuild.

🥀 - Quasiren - they/them - 18

Quasiren intends to create intimacy, friendships, and bonds. They hold the hope that we can still form meaningful relationships.

🥀Come be our friend!!! It’s necessary. Important. We’re genuinely very kind and nice and really like making friends. Okay, we’re a little desperate and a lot lonely. But I promise we’re waaaaaay friendshaped. So, what are you waiting for? You know you want to say hi. You know you want to become our best friend forever! We’re total sweethearts.

🥩 - Raptorse - it/its - adult

Raptorse is just there to make sure we don’t starve to death or develop an eating disorder.

🥩I’m just here to eat. We’re an animal. Animals need to eat. We get too hungry, I front. I eat. I chomp. I bite. I’ll even eat you. Not always good at talking. Sometimes words get mangled and grammar too. Especially when I need to do my job. Just a primal urge when that happens. All animals need is food, water, shelter. All animals need do is shit, piss, eat, sleep, fuck. Some animals don’t even need fuck. We need to get rid of urges but not really need another animal to deal with that. Maverick is saying I overshare. Don’t care. Survival is priority. Not nobody’s feelings about shit we do. Gnaw my way out if needed.

🎆 - Starbound - she/any - ageless

Starbound is the “fight” stress response and represents a need for justice.

🎆don’t piss me off and we’ll get along fine. But if you do piss me off, well. I’m not afraid to burn bridges the way the rest of these soft bitches are. I get mad real easy. And I get real fucking mad. Basically, if you’re talking and I front, you done something to piss us off big time. I hate injustice.

🪱 - Tazelein - he/any - ageless

Tazelein holds hypersexuality and the other half of unconditional love: “in order to love someone, you must love them as they are, not as how you want them to be.”

🪱hiiiiiii cutie~!!!! I like tearing people apart. Yes, I do mean tearing. Ripping them to sinewy shreds. Red ribbons and white fragments, squishy bits of organs strewn about. And then I like putting them back together. And I want you to be aware for all of it. Unfortunately, I can’t do that in front, humans die too easily, and front body isn’t strong enough to keep them alive. I can still get creative with what I do and keep you alive. Humans are also fairly resilient. If you’d like to be torn to shreds, or whatever adjacent thing I come up with, come say hiiiii~~ don’t be shy!!! Or do, it might be cute. Oh, is this not a normal way to introduce myself? Oops, ahehehe.

🕊️ - Utopia - they/any - ageless

Utopia holds our fascination with spirituality, religion, and the occult. Their role is to ponder the mechanisms of spirituality.

🕊️we are a somewhat spiritual system. We believe that when we were younger, we were connected to spirits that would grant our wishes so long as we were good to them. We also believe these same spirits granted us visions, but that we have lost connection with our spirits. We seek to regain our connection. We also believe all souls are interconnected in a massive web, and that travel between them is possible. Yes, I am referring to syshopping. We experienced syshopping firsthand with our aforementioned ex partner system that accused us of grooming them. I would like to regain a similar spiritual link with someone, not necessarily syshopping as I’m not certain we may ever achieve that again, but we also had friends who we shared dreams with, and I believe with enough closeness and common spirituality this may be achieved again.

🦠 - Vitriol - it/its - adult

Vitriol’s role is to prevent other people from being hurt by us by any means necessary.

🦠we’re not worth befriending. Reread Tazelein’s intro. Do you think someone who would say that is safe to befriend? Stay away from us. We have been abusive in the past. I don’t know if we still are, but it’s not worth the risk.

🕸️ - Webber - they/any - ageless

Webber holds our abandonment issues, and has the role of building and maintaining trust of others.

🕸️hello there :}. You’ve been reading for an awfully long time, haven’t you? I appreciate it. If you bothered reading this far, please say hello. We likely won’t message first. Most of us are too shy for that; we assume that you don’t want a message out of the blue. Ah, I should introduce myself. I’m Webber, a deity of trust. There’s nothing I value more than the trust of others.

🔥 - Xray - he/xe - primordial

Xray represents the current time and destruction. Xis role is to end or finish things, or get things over with. He does things nobody wants to do.

🔥once we are close enough with someone, we will have a boundaries conversation. We currently have 7 major boundaries, but may add more if necessary. After the boundaries conversation, we may decide to share our simplyplural with you. Any attempt to rush these two events before we’re ready will be perceived as a yellow flag and cause us to be wary of you.

🌲 - Yarrow - they/it/yey - primordial

Yarrow represents the past time and transformation. Its role is to help people see parts of themselves they hadn’t yet seen.

🌲hello. I don’t have much to add. I like writing about the alters of our system. Most of our simplyplural entries are authored by me, including the sentence description that’s written below each of our names in this introduction, which was taken from part of our simplyplural. We will share it when we are ready to share it.

🌊 - Zenith - ze/zer - primordial

Zenith represents the future time and creation. Zer role is to start new things and promote seeking out new pleasurable experiences.

🌊haiiiiiii!!!!! I’m kind of the mom of the system. But like, in a really fun and hot way. I like building people up! I also like making things. Which sometimes includes alters. We currently are maxed out at 26, but we might expand in the future, it’s getting a little tight in here.

[magnoliamyrrh]

. ive got such a long list of reasons to be bitter and fed up and angry. i have so much pain within me. sometimes i feel like pain, deep, deep, sorrowful pain, mourning, grief, anger, a desperate need to stop feeling suffocated is what i know best. and u know as much as i think all thats justified and as much as i think my anger is important for my sanity , and as much as tbh i like by this point to an extent that my over it little tolerance for bullshit angry kinda agressive vibe is a part of my personality - that my bitterness is earned and aged like fine win. but idk, i have tired to rein it in these last months progressively bc it was consuming me and my nervous system literally couldnt handle it

but. something i still havent figured out how to deal w is my very, very, very bad case of survivors guilt. maybe its gotten a bit better but that makes me feel guilty too. it always does. i try not to let it haunt me but It Always done it haunts me that its somehow not supposed to consume and haunt me

. after everything my own pain and trauma is not what fucks me up the most. its always that its not over for so many others. for so many others its not over, its never over, theyre going through it rn, many worse than anything i ever went through. many that wont make it out alive

.

my best friend says its not my responsibility especially with my crippled health and the little of my fragile sanity to try to do something about it. that spending years trying to do something about sex trafficking or whatever else would break me, eat me up inside, that people who aint traumatized end up killing themselves or alchoholics, shells from what they've seen, so what would it do to me? he says. ive earned my rest, ive earned looking away, ive earned my peace

...

but what does that matter? what it would do to me? he says he doesnt understand why i spend so much time writing and speaking on this shit. at first it was to understand myself. now it is the horror that it is so much more horrible and bad and keeps going, its not me. its others. i always have felt more impacted by seeing others in pain than myself. i never can stand seeing my pain on someone else.

he says he doesnt understand why i look. he says he doesnt understand why i think. he says he doesnt understand why i study. doesnt understand why i want to do something about it when its so horrible

........

but ive been.... lucky. not so but lucky. lucky enouth to live. to get out. to get my "freedom."

but what does "my" individual freedom mean? when others dont have it? what does it matter?....... what does it matter?

it feels like my trauma isnt over through them. its not. im just one person, but for so many its not over. it wont be over. they may never see over until their graves.... time is a flat circle and all

...

and i think, how many? how many? and i think too.... in the history of the balkans, of my people, my women and little girls... how many? for how long?

how many today? everywhere?

how am i supposed to rest easy. how am i supposed to live my life ignoring it

why shouldn't i burn myself out. i already am. why shouldnt i take on the trauma of getting back into it for the sake of others

.

what does my freedom mean without theirs?

.

their screams echo through my head. they were my own once. i have stopped screaming

they have not

[writethatdown]

helooo, im about to graduate highschool soon and i have been having this feeling in my chest for awhile now. im trying not to worry about the future and enjoy my time for these last two months of highschool. my senior year felt like a movie and as much as i absolutely hate school i already am gonna miss the feeling of being a kid in school for some reason. im not planning on going to college right afterwards and hearing my friends knowing what they wanna persue in after highschool and people peer pressuring me about college makes me a little overwhelmed. it’s other personal reasons why I don’t plan on going. i don’t wanna feel like i have to hurry up and rush to do things before i graduate…towards going to the end of highschool its definitely a bitter sweet feeling…

looking at your post i love how you word things and i just want some calm and good advice on life after highschool. im gonna miss a lot of my friends and i feel as if we’re not gonna be in contact anymore because they barley reach out to me after school. i don’t wanna be one of those people looking back at highschool and like mourning on it. im trying to move forward and have motivation to persue the unknown.

hey lov,

end of the school era can be a lot to take in. it's quite a scary place to be in and i just want to hug you and tell you that it's going to be alright ♡. you seem like the sweetest human ever, just a feeling i got after reading your ask.

and it's all the more tougher when you have decided to take gap year(s) or other alternative path than jumping straight for higher studies or an equivalent conventional way of life. seeing other people heading confidently to options other than your own can be intimidating.

i just want to state a universal truth here—nobody has it all figured out. and i think it's so brave to sit with this fear of uncertainty. it just means that you trust yourself, you trust that you'll figure a way out. i think chapters like these in life are a sweet spot for such lessons/mindset.

you are so young my love, failure can seem scary but i want you to pursue whatever you have planned after school. there might come situations where you see everyone around you making waves but you feel kind of just stuck there, and people may ridicule you. i hope you trust yourself at those times. i hope you choose to remember that everyone is on their own timeline and no two lives can be compared. and i hope you are always a little excited about what next, an element of spontaneity.

i am about to head to my final year in undergrad and i don't know what i am going to do next tbh. i wouldn't say i am somehow intentional with the coping of unknown. i am just going with the flow and building proofs to say that it's safe to trust myself.

don't try to force a connection with people—as much as it's easy to say, it's a lesson i am continually learning myself. about your friends, i know that it can be hard to distance away, especially when your friends will be busy once college starts. for some people solitude is comfortable and for some it's not. i urge you to seek comfort in your solitude, getting to understand the wonderful human in you while also going out and seeking out connections!

there's a lot of things going on with this post gosh. to summarize—trust yourself with all your heart. trust that you are going to figure it out my love. because for a fact i know that you will. i trust you ♡