#im not afraid of being perceived like ppl think i am?? but i AM afraid of... being unwanted... and not knowing it

[1o1percentmilk]

thanks for answering everyone that helps a lot oTL

[confessmau]

I think its weird when people make Katelyn black in rewrites. I’ve thought this for a while, but I was afraid to say it 😭

I don’t think ppl understand the very strange, and essentially racist, implications of making a *white* character known for being aggressive & violent while also having anger issues… a black woman. Even worse when they make her a DARK SKIN black woman, considering how there’s already so many stereotypes surrounding how black woman are “aggressive” and “loud.” And then the other stereotypes of how dark skin women are MORE aggressive and angry than their white or lighter skinned counterparts. It just feels… insensitive, I guess? I’m black, and, while I don’t necessarily find it super offensive or anything, I still think it’s weird to make her of all the characters in the main cast black 😭😭 Am I crazy for saying it makes me kinda uncomfortable?????

I know that ppl are probably not doing it with racist intent (at least I hope not), but like… it’s still a little bizarre to knowingly make the angry/aggressive white woman black 😕 Like idk its always been so strange to me and I just didn’t say anything because I was afraid of ppl misunderstanding me & because there’s already like NO black characters in the cast (iirc Teony is the only black character in the whole cast? Which is beyond horrible), so I was always like “Well, ig I’ll take what I can get and I don’t think people are doing it with ill intent so…”

I guess I just kinda want people (non-black people in particular) to actually just THINK before making one of the characters black in their rewrites, because when they don’t they unintentionally make something that can be perceived as racist… does that make sense??? I’m sorry if it doesn’t, I’m not that good at putting my thoughts into words im sorry 😭😭😭

I’m sorry if this came off wrong but I’ve been in the fandom since 2016 and I’ve been feeling like this for YEARSSS . You do not know how good it feels to finally get this off my chest 😭😭

~~

[forgottenroderick]

OOC | Roderick & Amira

in the spirit of fleshing out interfamilial relationships where i play multiples, i wanted to dive in w this toxic mess too! so this is gonna focus on roderick's feelings re: amira and my plan is ultimately to reblog it from her site w her feelings re: him as well hahahah so! without further ado, let's get into this mess! if you wanna skip ahead to their current vibes [ here ]'s his pinterest board for amira! ;D

roderick's biggest feeling abt amira is that whole 'not like other girls' thing. amira keeps her emotions largely under lock and key, mostly just floating around giving off menacing vibes instead asdkjfkljdsf which roderick is like 'damn, nice' about basically bc #thatsthegoal he too wishes to be feared...unfortunately for everyone, he ~also wants to be admired (smth abt which amira couldn't give two figs but ill get more into that later) hence burning naysayers as witches basically lakjsdfkljdjfs however!! amira might be a witch (jury's out lkasdjfkljsdfj) but you must NEVER speak of that in roderick's hearing bc he's like I SEE NOTHING I DONT WANT TO always lksdjfakjlsdjf and if you bring this to his intention, instead of bringing his ire down on his queen it'll bring it down on ~you bc itd make him look bad to hate witches and then turn around and marry one so, like, to notice this inconsistency is frankly unpatriotic!!!!!!

but!!!! let's really dig into their interpersonal relationship!!!!! ok so roderick first met amira when she came bearing the head of the deposed god-king of kolchis out to him. she was quite young (im thinking she may have lied abt her age at first bc like...roderick is a creep in a lot of ways but not quite ~that one...like, don't get me wrong, 16??? we're talking aksldjfkljdsf like, he ~is a creep, but under 16 even ~he is like 'that's a literal child' but amira's ambitions weren't gonna be held back by a couple years!!!!! bc this was her moment and if she didnt ensnare him then she never would bc ngl roderick ~can be a lil goldfish-like this way -- he's got a loT of beautiful women tryna get his attention yknow aldksjfkldsjf), but i mean look at her she's a stunner, and she wasn't afraid of gore (obv laksjdfkljdsf she was literally carrying around a head on likely a silver tray bc why not ;D stylish AND convenient alksdjfkljsdjfk judith meets salome style ig aklsdjfkjdsjf), which deF shocked him at first no lie!!!!! like women are supposed to faint at the sight of blood!!!!! but she was def rocking that bad girl chic (it ~is her thing laksdjfkljdsf) and being perceived as a conquering hero and feted by the ppl who he'd conquered was!!!!! fun!!!!!! ngl i think he's still chasing that high!!!!

roderick does ~generally go for the good girl archetype, i think, but when he first saw her he def wasn't thinking he'd ever take another wife! he was thinking...that looks like a fun fling!!! (before he had multiple wives, he def took mistresses when he wasn't w his wife bc he was off campaigning etc, tho he was v discreet abt it and idk how widely that's known or not? im down w whatever works best for plots re: that, if we ever wanna explore it hahaha he's also def of that medieval belief that you can't sleep w a pregnant woman bc she and the baby might die!!!!! but ~he can't go without ofc soooo anything goes and def doesn't count as cheating!!!!! bc he's just being a good guy protecting his wife and kid!!!! lakjsdfkljdsjf and same kinda goes if he's away from his family on campaign or whatever for a prolonged period!!!!! *facepalm*)

anyway!!!! he meets her this way and he def thinks she'd be fun for a weekend or whatever, but she's like 'no, sir, im a lady' *looks directly into the camera but roderick doesn't notice* and we all know roderick enjoys a good conquest so this was frankly working really well!!!!! he was like 'have jewels!!! have money!!!!!' and eventually 'ill make you my official mistress! my wife can deaL' and she was like 'oh but i cannot for i am the priestess of calainon, and i cannot unless we are wed' anne boleyn style and THIS is when things change for roderick bc of that one lil word: CALAINON. i've already discussed roderick's feelings abt intertwining his legacy w that of the great calainon and now he can do that in a v LITERAL way and while he's mulling this over, but to his credit, he's unwilling to abandon his og wife, even tho he is pr frustrated that there's, as yet, no heir and there's a literal PROMISE of kids from amira re: the prophecy that the line of calainon will last until the ending of the world (too bad godfrey has plans to bring about that v ending #whoops ;DDDD)

finally perceiving that roderick won't be putting aside the og wife, tho (amira: sigh), amira one day whispers, 'oh, my love, if only it were like the days of yore when a man could take multiple wives...' and roderick suddenly has a thought entirely his own that amira def did not place there ;DDDD anyway, we all know how this goes!!!! (also like...damn...imaginie being wife #1, and i def think roderick wanted her to be present/have a role in the wedding ceremony, too, in order to showcase how they were all one big happy family, and you just know!!!!!!! that had to be like just sm fun for her!!!!! </3 esp bc ~she probs saw quite clearly that amira was a snake in the grass)

so more abt this on her side, but up until the wedding, amira has def been toeing this line between sultry and [ untouchable ] w a heaping topping of godly (when roderick invaded she had this revelation, you guys, that the fire was actually to celebrate the one god of roderick and she was really ~his priestess all along!!! ;DDD) but now they're married and amira doesn't feel quite so constrained tho she does NOT like that the empress has more status than ~she as the primary wife and she deffff wants to have a boy right quickly so that she can cement her position as the undoubted mother of the next emperor!!!! roderick for his part didn't care which wife gave him a son, first, he just wanted one!!! however, w amira hiding her true nature less, it starts to bleed through and over time roderick begins to learn that she isn't in love w him at all, tho she keeps up the pretense, in her way, even now

now, as i said before, roderick here likes to be admired!!!! and, bizarrely, this is really working for him bc he also likes to conquer and it just...it gets all kinds of toxic. he loves her. he hates her, too. he wishes she would die. he craves her heart. she is too cold for a woman, too cold to be anything but respected, tho. and he still wants her. and sometimes he even thinks, as he used to, that perhaps she ~does love him, only to discover again that she does not. they fight and they fuck and they fight again and while this goes on, the empress gets weaker and weaker, and there's still no son from either of them!

enter marian. this is when things get real, honestly. before now they've been doing this weird toxic dance, but amira was secure in knowing she had her claws in him. she was still his new, shiny toy. now, she realizes she's lost that. and, slowly, he sees her see that. i think, after marrying again, roderick really perceives the real amira for the first time, and part of him sees this dark reflection of himself: that ruthless ambition, stripped of all the trappings he adorns his with to make it more palatable to his woldview: she's just ragged hunger, and deep down he understands that. and he detests it. but he can't put it away from himself either bc it tugs at smth dark inside himself, and strangely he trusts her more now bc he finally gets her, finally gets what's really driving her, and its what's driving him, too. they're both just scared kids that know what its like to be trampled and powerless, and will do whatever it takes never to be that way again. but worst of all, he knows that she can see that in him, too. so he can never let her go: never let her unleash that knowledge upon the world. so now they can really work together. and now they can really hurt e/o. and they do.

as ive discussed before, i do think that, when arthur was born, roderick was like 'ah yes at last my heir!' but amira changed all of that! amira never forgot that the empress had precedence over ~her as the first wife and like hell she was gonna let anyone forget that the same applied to amira and marian! ~her son was to the heir!!! and roderick is fine w this: let the women squabble for his favor. this suits him just fine!! he doesn't yet see his sons as threats to his own situation or greatness bc they're still little, but that'll come as they hit they're teenage years don't worry! lkajsdkfjdsfh and then his empress dies and everything changes. bc the whole world revolves around roderick, and bc she's been deteriorating since the moment he married amira, roderick is sure that her death is ~his fault (and he's not entirely wrong since he did bring the person who poisoned her into contact w her while also furnishing that person w a motive ~to poison her!) and he is inconsolable. i feel like for two weeks he locked himself in his room and would do nothing but carry his lil daughter around and promising her the whole world

but smth else happened, too: during the empress' final illness, roderick saw a side of amira he'd never seen before as she tenderly nursemaided the empress, never leaving her alone for a moment even as she grew worse and worse and worse. he'd never seen tenderness in amira, save a smidge towards their son in his infancy, insisting on wetnursing him herself and always attending v faithfully to all his meals and such!! and roderick found that, despite her failure to save the empress, he was grateful to amira for what she'd done! or at least (seemingly) tried to do! smth that, coupled w his guilt, bound him to her.

ofc, the marked favoritism he then showed to guin certainly did amira's peace of mind no favors, and she'd pick at him, but his laugh was a dead thing, and he'd just tuck a curl behind his daughter's ear and tell amira over his shoulder to see to her own son and leave him to his daughter and chuckle dryly as she stood in all her towering fury knowing she was dismissed and that he'd call for the guards to escort a hysterical woman to her chambers if she persisted any longer.

ofc the first fervor of the empress' loss did wear off, and we've discussed at length roderick's wonderful parenting skills. their relationship has ebbed and flowed largely w his relationship w edmund, esp since -- now that he understands her ambition is his own -- he knows edmund is a chip he can use to hurt and maneuver her as much as she knows this same abt him. she will always advocate for her boy and he can show his approval to ~her, even, by showing it to edmund, or simply by denying it to guin or arthur -- and his lack thereof in the same way.

i do think, like i said, he still sees amira as ~not like other women~ so if he had to pick a queen to serve as regent (not that he ever would tbqh!!!), itd probs be amira from the fact that he trusts to her logic and to her ambition...however!! he likewise does not trust amira since he knows she serves her own ends not ~his, but does trust that marian would do precisely what he asked. this is def a moot point tho bc lbr the only ppl he'd trust w this would be bartholomew or alaric, but here we are! my general point is that he does sort of see amira ~as her own thing~ but tbh im not sure that does her too many favors all the time bc she's def a curiosity -- less than a man, more than a woman, smth which i think he largely attributes to her calainon heritage so yeah!! lakjsdfjkldsf this has been an examination of roderick's relationship w amira lkajsdfkjdsf there's more but this covers the general stuff lkfasdjfkljsdkjf

he does see her brothers as entirely loyal to himself, as sensible men, but its no secret that they're all team edmund (tbh i think tristan is more team: lets just prevent a civil war and keep my nephew safe and happy and not force him to go to war w his own siblings, but roderick just assumes an edmund-for-emperor bias), but yeah that's a whole other thing and def way less important bc those're just sort of ancillary reltionaships to his ones w amira and edmund, from his own pov

there is just one thing left to say, and that's that...roderick loved her, he did, and now he knows she never loved him and...they understand e/o in a way no one else does, but...he's sad and bitter bc he wanted her love, even if he just lost it, he wanted it bc he loved her, and he hates that he was the weak one and ~she the conqueror and that causes all sorts of chaotic undercurrents and subtext, both trying to steal her heart at one moment and tryna punish her another as well as a thousand little daggers and sadnesses and bitterness and pleading and storming and yeahhh toxic!!!! its just toxic lakjsdfkljdsjf

[alastors-wife]

ew

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb, part 5.4

I swear folks once I get this and the last part up I’m gonna condense it all

But yeah couldn’t resist some <3

Zhang and Wu Chat

Wu Xie: Um. I’m all done with the shower if you want a turn.

Zhang Qiling: I’m alright without one.

Wu Xie: sooo are you pissed at me still?

Zhang Qiling: ? I have not been angry with you since the ladder incident.

Wu Xie: you’ve barely said anything since the necklace thingy

Zhang Qiling: I believe it is a long-running joke amongst my friend group that I do not, in fact, say much.

Wu Xie: okay but there are multiple gouges in the tea house walls that would suggest you had somewhat strong feelings today

and I kinda caused the events that sparked said feelings

so just checking in you know

Zhang Qiling: I was not angry so much as I was afraid. More afraid than I’ve been in a long time.

Wu Xie: ??? But it has worked out fine??? Everyone made it out alive and Uncle Erbai gets to feel morally superior to the Zhang family for a while so today was a win overall

Zhang Qiling: I heard you scream. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t get to you right away. Therefore, I was afraid.

Wu Xie: ohhhhh. oh, Xiao Ge. It’s alright now—hey the necklace was actually helping u look out for me:) It’s not like those ppl were actually trying to hurt me, really. Your family isn’t so bad, at least you don’t have any uncles you know of

today was just some big misunderstandings wrapped in some poor life choices. Tbh my memoir title

I feel kind of stupid for screaming but when a glowing necklace wraps itself around your neck it’s a little uhoh moment lol

I did like the design tho def my aesthetic.

Zhang Qiling: I am pleased that it was able to protect you when I was not.

Wu Xie: Uh no you are not allowed to get all emo abt this it’s only like 3pm

damn time flies when it’s flashing before your eyes lol

Are you on the roof? You’re def on the roof. I thought I heard the tiles moving over my head. Come down or I’m coming up.

Zhang Qiling: I will be down in a moment. Do not come outside, it’s cold and raining.

Wu Xie: you know, Zhang Rishan said he thinks the necklace might be linked to you, somehow

something from long ago, even though you wouldn’t remember it.

It’s lucky that it liked me, huh:)

Zhang Qiling: Yes. Quite lucky.

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: AWW LOOK AT HIM NAPPING ON YOUR SHOULDER SO CUTE. BEBES HAD A BIG DAY. YOU TWO ARE PRECIOUS. BE GOOD AND POSE FOR THE PICTURE NOW.

Zhang Qiling: No. Also, I am considering what steps I should take with Zhang Rishan. Regardless of his concern for the Zhang family line, his actions were unacceptable.

Wang Pangzi: HES DROOLING A LITTLE ON YOU WHICH IS LESS CUTE BUT I CAN CROP THAT PART

LOOK I KNOW YOURE STILL PISSED. IM NOT EXACTLY CALM MYSELF, I JUST HAVE WAYS TO SKIRT AROUND TIANZHENS BULLSHIT FILTER THAT YOU LACK

GET ON MY LEVEL

WU ERBAI WILL HANDLE IT, THINGS HAVE SETTLED I THINK

BUT ABOUT THAT NECKLACE

SO INTERESTING HMMM

Zhang Qiling: I am the patriarch of my family. The necklace behaved as I would, apparently, to protect a vulnerable family member. Wu Xie’s bad cold last week activated it, and it responded to a perceived danger to him today. Simple enough.

Wang Pangzi: UH HUH

A FAMILY MEMBER

THE NECKLACE REALLY SAID LOVE WINS

TOLKIEN COULD NEVER

Zhang Qiling: It protected him on a technicality. But I will not allow him to bear the burdens of my family ever again. It has taken so much from him already.

Wang Pangzi: YEAH SURE BLAH BLAH DESTINY BLAH BLAH ANGST

“A TECHNICALITY” WOW WHO SAID ROMANCE WAS DEAD

ANYHOO IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR UR WEDDING RECEPTION SLIDESHOW

YA KNOW DURING MY SPEECH

Friends of Wu Xie Support Group Chat

Hei Yangjing: you’re welcome for everything today<3 I accept PayPal, although of course it is always my honor to assist my friends:)

Wang Pangzi: WE ARENT PAYING YOU SHIT

Zhang Qiling: You did absolutely nothing.

Hei Yangjing: whoa whoa maybe I wasn’t threatening family members or busting up load-bearing walls like some undying divas I could name but I totes helped

or at least I was there for moral support maybe?

Zhang Qiling: The only reason I knew you were there at all was that as I lowered my blade from Zhang Rishan’s neck, I heard the camera click and saw you were taking a selfie making a peace sign, angled to have the two of us in the background.

Xie Yuchen: I saw it on social media just now. The caption is “#greatdaycatchingupwiththelads #blessed”

Wang Pangzi: TBH KIND OF JEALOUS I DIDNT THINK TO DO THAT

Hei Hangjing: okay yeah you see Xiao Ge that is a modern kind of help I should’ve known you wouldn’t be aware

It’s called performance, you wouldn’t understand

it’s a ‘Gram thing

Also it means I’m a great person

Bc letting you handle the situation was my gift to you

Zhang Qiling: Wu Xie mentioned there is something called “blocking ppl” that gets them out of my phone.

Hei Yangjing: nah

Can’t trust that Wu Xie, bae can’t tell a coffin from an urn amirite

it’s not a thing, blocking

Xie Yuchen: It is a thing. I’ll show you later, Zhang Qiling.

Wang Pangzi: YOU BOYS GO GET CLEANED UP AND COME BY AROUND 9 I SNAGGED SOME OF ZHANG RISHANS BOOZE ON THE WAY OUT

Bonnie and Clyde Chat

Hei Yangjing: you looked pretty comfortable in those handcuffs earlier ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Go to sleep, idiot.

Hei Yangjing: You’d have to do something to tire me out ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Are you like this around Wu Xie? Not that I care, I’m just asking.

Hei Yangjing: uh that’s a big nope

First off all Idk when I’ll die but Id prefer it to be on my terms and not at the hands of those other two

Secondly there is a part of me that remembers how adorable he was when he was younger and that makes it weird

(No offense but u were not adorable. He was bebe luke skywalker, you were bebe princess leia I am obvs Han Solo 4lyfe)

Also I’m a little scared that if i flirted with him and he flirted back he’d be better at it.

Xie Yuchen: All valid concerns.

Hei Yangjing: as cute as he is I don’t really wanna tap that.

Xie Yuchen: I see.

Hei Yangjing: do you tho

Main Chat

Wu Xie: okay folks who wants cocoa to top the evening off? I picked some up today:D

Wang Pangzi: UH YOU SPENT YOUR DAY BEING KIDNAPPED AND PLACATING A SENTIENT NECKLACE WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO GET GROCERIES

FRANKLY THATS INTIMIDATING

Wu Xie: the tea house gift shop:)

Wang Pangzi: …YOU BOUGHT COCOA FROM YOUR KIDNAPPERS. FROM THEIR GIFT SHOP. DURING YOUR KIDNAPPING.

WU XIE

WU XIE WHY

Wu Xie: I mean we were there the whole day, it felt impolite not to buy anything.

Wang Pangzi: OH RIGHT GREAT POINT ID HATE TO BE RUDE TO THEM AFTER THEY WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF ABDUCTING US

LISTEN WHEN PPL STEAL YOU IT BECOMES FREE REIGN ON THEIR SHIT

UGH YOU PROBABLY GOT A RECEIPT AND EVERYTHING

WAS UR LITTLE SHOPPING TRIP BEFORE OR AFTER THEY STUCK U IN A DUNGEON TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU

WAIT NVM I DONT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT

Wu Xie: look, let’s focus on the positives/ we are all okay, and we learned something new, that necklace is still active! It’s really quite nice-looking when it isn’t moving of its own volition.

Wang Pangzi: YOU AND YOUR RELENTLESS DUCKING OPTIMISM

ZHANG QILING ARE YOU SEEING THIS

Zhang Qiling: I would love some cocoa. I’ll come to the kitchen.

Wu Xie: I have special marshmallows for you!!

Wang Pangzi: I SEE

WE ARE SUBSCRIBING TO THE PRESTIGIOUS “FUCK IT WHY NOT” SCHOOL OF THOT TONIGHT

LOL SURE LETS GO COCOA IT UP

IVE GOT SOMETHING STRONG TO POP IN IT

Wu Xie: Still thinking about that design… I’d love another chance to examine that necklace under less Zhangy circumstances.

Kinda sad we couldn’t borrow it to use for illnesses and dangerous missions :/

ah well it’s for the best, a family heirloom should be treasured, preserved and protected<3

Zhang Qiling: I put it on your dresser.

Wu Xie: ???????

Wang Pangzi: AND THATS WHY YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS, XIAOGE <3

Wu Xie: I—

Zhang Qiling: Are those bunny-shaped marshmallows for me?

[ronsenboobi]

wish there were readmores on mobile bc I'm sleepy enough to wanna talk about what I'm doing with the night's watch au right now but I'm legitimately too embarrassed to do it without having the safety of knowing the people seeing the post have to actively choose to see my garbage by clicking a link

[thewickerking]

everyday i wake up. i find a mutual in law whos blocked me. like whyyy i dont even do anything on this website. some ex muts too like what. i feel like i have very little internet presence outside of talking to specific internet friends on like. discord like what do i do on TUMBLR that makes ppl want to hardblock me. i swear i was blocked less by mutual in laws on my old account where home.stuck was one of my top tags (im an ex hs fan for context i do not support it and actively hate it) like ??? i KNOW im overthinking this its literally tumblr who cares and i laugh abt it a lot but idk it bothers me like im not fixated on it pleeease dont think im that terminally online or anything i think im just mental illness 👍

like idk idk i put a huge amount of energy into how im perceived bc it matters a lot to me that people around me like me ..like irl i will buy food for people i despise bc i want ppl to have positive associations with me soo bad . this isnt like an "ohhh im such a nice person how dare u not like me im so nice" thing bc i absolutely can and will be an asshole and im constantly walking the line between "im overly self confident for fun" and "i genuinely think im better than everyone and will say it" and like a bunch of other stuff i dont have to list all my flaws to make a point (<- almost did but decided againist it)

anyways idk idk!! im so likeable irl which again sounds very egotistical but is literally true like im not afraid of confrontation or anything but im friendly and honest and ppl generally enjoy me being around which is something ive worked sooooo hard to make true and like. idk mutual in laws are people i see around and i like having little friends in my phone ! mils feel like classmates u see around but dont talk to much and the idea of that like. category (is that the right word..) of people not liking me is genuinely upsetting i literally dont have anyone in my entire school who doesnt like me or like. feels more negative abt me than positive or neutral (to my knowledge at least..)

like idk i feel like im going in circles and i genuinely am not super invested in this it isnt consuming my every waking thought or whatever its just frustrating and im a bit paranoid people are talking shit about me and like........ i am fine confronting issues people have with me like if theres a genuine issue pleeeeease talk to me abt it i would rather be confronted with an issue of mine out of nowhere then be blocked but most of the people who have me blocked probably have for things that arent objectively bad but annoy them like spam rbing or whatever (i dont think i spam the dash or mass rb from ppl but idk i might to some ppl) but i dont knowwww and its driving me off the walls <- will literally stop caring abt this in 5 minutes and it just thinking about it really hard rn and making my self feel worse by overthinking but also feeling better by talking it out instead of letting it fester

anyways sorry for the lack of read more im on mobile :( but like yeah im just talking it out ill feel better and more normal when i post this bc i just need to tell people things even if they dont matter just to have them out there and feel real or smn idk. i dont really get why it works but it does so yay ^-^

[shatouto]

i have a sudden need to ramble (cw eating disorder ; repressed asexuality )

i used to think that this was because i am an artist since childhood: i genuinely can’t tell if a person is ‘hot’ if i just look at them. i can take notes on their features. i can find the shapes of their face interesting or uncommon. but i don’t get ‘hot’. i do find a person beautiful but only after i’ve known something about what they do, e.g. an actor who’s rly talented. if irl people, then i def only get crushes on ppl based on competency. (i have loved my childhood friends for years because he’s just so, so, soooo kind and sensitive and good at art and photography; i crushed horribly on this fellow actress in a theatre festival i participated in for One (1) week; i fell so hard for this girl in college who was AMAZING at giving dynamic presentations; then again for a boy who’s just rly adorably dedicated to the debate society he founded; etc. and all those time, it was more romantic than sexual.) i have never been able to articulate this and as a teen ive always felt confused and left out as hell when my friends gush over idols, all that. i briefly learned about demisexuality and thought that it fit quite well, but i didn’t look more into it out of some unexplained skepticism. generally i tried to conform; it took me a while to copy my surrounding’s reaction at conventionally attractive people to pretend i have the same capacity to perceive ‘hotness’, but the truth is i never really do.

it doesn’t help that my parents were horribly judgmental to other people’s looks and while they were polite on the outside, they were always making very mean remarks about their own friends behind their backs (i have trust issues for this reason; always worried my friends actually think im ugly and bad, like my parents do). they did that to my own friends as well, always criticizing even the friends of mine that they ‘approved’, especially this ex-best friend of mine who was fat and generally gender non-conforming - to the point where i was absolutely terrified of being anything like this person, even though they were my closest friend at the time. when this person came out as nb aroace, i was so frightened that i stopped contemplating demisexuality altogether. around that time also, i got sucked into the “anti-sjw” hole and i shut down every attempt at exploring my general non-conformity. in college, studying abroad and in a new environment, i berated myself for not being able to keep up with parties or ‘hook up’ the way my coevals could - i just felt very very sapped by those socializing activities. being alone in a crowd is tiring. somewhere amidst all this i went into a period of hyperfeminine presentation in hopes of grounding myself in conformity and also pleasing my parents - which gradually aggravated my deep-seated body image issues, dysmorphia, and finally full blown anorexia.

as i recovered and got out of that phase, got back into gender studies, i began to find myself. i was honestly very hesitant to consider asexuality when someone suggested it to me again. i have always been very very romantic and more or less touchy-feely (or as touchy-feely as a repressed kid brought up asian could be, lmao); i refused, for a long time, that i could be somewhere on the ace spectrum. even as i recovered, i was so deathly afraid of being a ‘snowflake’. i’ve only very recently accepted the fact that i do not experience sexual attraction the majority of the time. even romance; i can’t imagine romance without a long trusting friendship. ‘hot’ means nearly nothing to me at all, be it in the sense of ‘conventionally attractive’ or ‘inspiring sexual arousal’ (somehow). regardless of the label, that’s the way i am, and i can reject the label but i can’t force myself to feel things i don’t feel.

i wish as a teen somebody had told me that it was okay to be unsure and contemplating, and that i did not have to care about how narcissistic abusers judge people. i don’t know why im typing all of this out but i guess we all need introspection sometimes. i don’t know why im posting what i typed but i guess i feel the need to be perceived sometimes. at least this way if it resonates with someone, that someone wouldn’t feel alone as i did, hopefully.

[hhawkeye]

Are you sure ppl can join I am scared to be perceived and also has anyone else already joined is it weird if I joined too I feel like I’ve been christian homeschooled my whole life and today’s my first day of high school and I’m approaching the popular table because some beautiful guy in my Spanish class told me to join but I can’t tell if he is serious due to being Christian homeschooled. And I am wearing an ankle length denim skirt and am homely

am i the beautiful guy in your spanish class 😳😳😳

no but for real please join! this message made me snort w laughter and also we are all Just Some Guy do not be afraid. i am also homely and wearing double denim but not in the cool gay way more in the when i looked in the mirror i thought this looked good and would be a Thing but now im out of the house people keep looking at me and i dont think its because they think im hot kind of way

[togasknifes]

20 questions tag game

→ tagged by: @heroheads  ((thank you for tagging me ily))

→ tagging: @sleepykarabou, @min-nevermind and uhh anyone that wants to do this

~~

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise? - If it’s on here Ellie! but i go by many names (jk it just sounds funny) 

2. When is your birthday? - january 25

3. Where do you live?  - puerto rico 

4. Three things you’re doing right now: - watching jacksepticeye, sitting on my bed, thinking about how i’m going to get 900 gems in order to get the arthur side story (ikevam) 

5. Four fandoms that have really piqued your interest: - percy jackson, fire emblem, haikyuu and mystic messenger (or just otome games in general) 

6. How’s the pandemic treating you? - it’s added a lot of anxiety and stress, made my ADD act up (i can control it in a classroom setting mostly but like in my house nope) makes me feel floaty and shitty and i hate it :) so it’s treating me badly. 

7. What’s a song you can’t stop listening to right now? - molly by mindless self indulgence 

8. Recommend a movie 🍿 - if you haven’t seen it i love the nightmare before christmas,,, but uh also weathering with you

9. How old are you? - 19!

10. School, occupation, other?- studying mechanical engineering to then do biomechanical! i wish to make prosthetic 

11. Do you prefer hot or cold? - cold

12. Name one fact about you that others may not know - i took ballroom dance (salsa, we also did like tango once and waltz) classes for a year or two 

13. Are you shy? - kind of? i mean i don’t shut up so i’ve learned to not talk much, i tend to go off about my interests and been called annoying; as a child i hated people like outwardly now i hate them but I won’t show it,, uhh so like get to know me and no but if you don’t know me you might perceive me that way because of some things i do due to some other stuff. 

14. Preferred pronouns: - she/her

15. Any pet peeves? - quite a bit but i’m blanking right now,,, when people dumb down your reasons to feel a certain way idk how to explain it. 

16. What’s your favorite “dere” type? - i dont have one. 

17. Rate your life, 1 being Capital C Crappy or 10/10 thriving: - we’re at a 6/10 i think, i can’t call my life crappy knowing people are doing far worse than i am but uhh yeah 6/10 

18. What’s your main blog?- @/elsbels25

19. List your side blogs and what they’re for: - don’t talk to me or my six side blogs ever again...

- the one where i reblog things to do later (such as quiz links, icons, animal crossing stuff - my aesthetic blog  - my musical side blog  - this one :)  - my backup/prompt reblog side - my otome blog 

20. Is there anything ppl need to know about you before becoming friends w/ you? - i was once called to sad to hang out with so i have trust issues now when it comes to sharing details about my life that could be seen as “sad”,,, i need constant reassurance that you like me or i’ll start thinking you hate me or i’m annoying to you (yes im working on it)  i like to think i’m nice but sometimes i’m afraid i’m not  i get attached easily 

[fuckyeahasexual]

im afraid that being asexual and short (under 5 ft) and feminine-looking in ways i can't change (im nb) is going to make ppl perceive me as some kind of perpetual child. ppl already stereotype aces as childish and im afraid that no matter how old i am (im 24) that I'll always be seen as childish, innocent, naive, a babe in the woods. im terrified that I'll have to have sex in order to "grow up." i don't wanna be seen as a child forever and i have this irrational idea that sex will change that.

This probably isn’t the advice you want, but it’s what I have to offer in earnest. If someone is determined to be a bigot they are going to think what they think no matter what you do. And I see no reason why you should live your life based off this hypothetical asshole who decides to treat you like a child. Now is shoes that give you height or more serious things empower you definitely embrace those things, but I don’t want you to live your life ignoring things you’d enjoy simply because a hypothetical asshole could bully you for it. At 24 I assume the jerks in your life that might have to stick around are your family. And family will always see you as younger than them anyways. You aren’t a child, cuss them out and let your voice and truth be heard, or fucking ignore anyone who decides to be wrong. That’s the most adult thing I’ve come to realize in my late 20s. - Rose

[jawnjendes]

little fighter | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

an: this is apart of @fourtristattoos spring fest. i didn’t go with the weekly theme but i did use a few of the prompts from the list provided, and i will continue to do so for this series until the fest is over. honestly, im really proud of this chapter in particular, and it would be cool if ppl read it or whatever. if you like whats going on here, blease check out my masterlist for this series :)

masterlist | series playlist

For someone who acts composed with no fucks to give, I harbor quite a bit of guilt. I've always felt bad about things I did or did not have control over. I came from a good family. My parents never divorced, and they supported me through and through. I was always a good student in school, I even got into not one, but three amazing psychology departments at different universities. I had good friends throughout my life. I loved and lost. I experienced things the typical human goes through, and that was before I moved to Canada.

I was quite lucky. Nothing tragic happened in my childhood or teen years to make me the way I am now.

No, I don't count my abnormal digestive issues as something tragic. It's not tragic. Besides, that started in my early adulthood and yes, I harbored guilt about that too because I was able to manage it without much hassle.

So tell me why my self esteem was so shot that I went after shitty people so they could love me the way younger me imagined. Tell me why I got so depressed before university that I stopped going to work and school. Tell me what I did that made me a nervous stick in the mud. When and why did my brain become my biggest enemy?

This isn't about my not-tragic backstory. This is about where I'm at now. I've done my crying and wallowing. I go to therapy and swallow my pills.

I'm worried this will be perceived as a “she got a boyfriend and now she's healed” trope. It's not that. Like I said, I've done my healing. The fact that I have Shawn now is a very, very fortunate bonus. I know my worth now, even though sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him. I know what I don't deserve, and that's every relationship I had before Shawn came along.

He wasn't ashamed of his own feelings. There was never a moment where he didn’t tell me how he felt about me. He wasn't afraid to tell people that I was his girlfriend. He was all but bursting whenever he talked about our families meeting. I know that's the barest of minimums, but you would be surprised at the amount of relationships I had that were 50% shame and 50% hiding.

Shawn was always going the extra mile for me. If my digestive system was messing itself up, he kept me bed bound at his apartment, and he nursed me back to health. If I was bored to death at work, he would come and visit me after my manager's shift ended. He would drive thirty minutes into town to bring me lunch as well.

Work. That's where this is going. I was sat in my tiny office with Manager Stacy and Coworker Jason, counting down the minutes to my break. It had been a long day, what with customers complaining about $30 oil changes, or telling me their life stories in a rude manner over the phone. I had to smile at gross older men staring down my shirt as they paid for their car service. Stacy was short tempered and tired, so she gave us hell for little things like the printer being out of paper. She yelled at Luca for slouching in his chair, and that prompted him to leave the room. At least he had the liberty to to do that. I had to stay at my tiny window and feel Stacy's third eye burn a hole in the back of my head.

I would have texted Shawn telling him to just take me somewhere for lunch as opposed to bringing me something, but I didn't want to get yelled at for being on my phone. I just pretended to add up gas receipts while periodically looking at the time on the computer.

Somehow, Shawn read my mind. I saw him enter the dealership from my post, and he was empty handed. Typically, he had a to-go bag from my favorite restaurant. He made eye contact with me and smiled, coming up to my tiny window. Before he could say anything, a male voice called his name.

A deep pit formed in my stomach as Luca excitedly came into view. He greeted Shawn with a handshake/bro hug and a “What's up, man?”

Not going to lie, I forgot they knew each other. I forgot that Luca gave Shawn the concept for his song Mercy, even though I skipped that song when it came on these days.

I grabbed my purse from under my desk as I let the two catch up. I told Stacy I was taking my lunch break and then stepped out of the office. I stepped up to Shawn, still feeling uneasy.

“What brings you here, man?” Luca asked him. “Need service on your car? Or are you finally trading that thing in?”

“Nah, I'm just here to see my girl,” he replied as he took my hand.

Luca tilted his head and pursed his lips the way he always did when he was confused. His eyes trailed towards me like he barely noticed I was there.

“You two?” he asked in disbelief.

“Four and a half months,” Shawn replied with a smile.

I couldn't help but triumph in the shocked expression Luca had on his face. I smiled a little bit.

“I thought you were lying about that,” he said to me.

“Why would I?” I asked in return. Then, I walked towards the building exit, dragging Shawn with me.

~

I'm not one for flexing what I got, but I was particularly happy about Shawn walking me back into the dealership when we got back from lunch. We went for sushi down the street and spent most of my lunch hour in the car. We were still in our own little world, I was genuinely smiling. Other salesmen who worked here had to do a double take because I wasn't doing the typical customer service smile.

We stopped at the door to my office. Shawn planted a quick kiss on me and promised to see me later. I couldn't help but watch him as he walked past the office window towards the exit. I was okay to think about our little world until the end of my shift tonight. However, I was snapped back into reality at the sound of all too familiar words coming out of the all too familiar devil's mouth.

“Fucking whore…”

My smile dropped, but I was ready to roll my eyes and move on. Shawn, on the other hand, stopped in his tracks and turned on his heel. He went up to the window and looked directly at Luca.

“What did you just say?” he asked, leaning on the little ledge. He was smiling, but it wasn't hard to tell that he was annoyed.

“I'm just calling it as I see it,” Luca replied with an all too casual shrug. “She tell you what she got up to before you came along?”

I know I said I was about to let it go… but I ended up barging into the office and going right up to Luca. I grabbed the arm of the chair he was sitting in and forcibly turned him towards me.

“You don't get to do that,” I said loudly, not caring about my professional reputation at the moment.

Luca had an amused look on his stupid face. His dimples showed, and he was trying not to laugh.

“No - you don't get to act like I don't exist and then get salty because I found someone who's way better than you will ever be!” I pointed a finger at him. “You're the last person who gets to call me a whore! You broke the pieces of me that I gave you! You toyed with me for two and a half years, you manipulated and used me and you do not get to call me a whore because I decided I deserve better! You don't get to make any criticisms about my life. Get fucked!”

Silence rang through the tiny office. Jason and Stacy were standing at the back, mouths open. The smirk on Luca's face had vanished, and his face flushed with embarrassment. I was ready to throw hands if he dared to speak.

Then, Shawn spoke. “Let's step out for a second.”

My eyes darted to him. He nodded his head to the side, towards some customers who had lined up behind him. One was a girl about my age who was smiling at the tea being spilled. Behind her was an older couple who looked annoyed at my lack of professionalism.

“Go,” Stacy piped up in her stern manager voice. “I'll help these guys.”

I sighed angrily and went out the door again. I muttered an “excuse me” as I went past the small line of customers and I walked past Shawn. He quickly followed me, telling me to slow down.

“Hey!” He jogged up to me as I stepped outside into the oncoming night. He grabbed my hand to stop me. “Honey…”

I wanted to childishly pull away from his grasp and fold my arms. I wanted to run back inside and drop kick my coworker. Steam was still blowing out of my ears, and I wanted to fucking fight.

“Does he always say things like that?” Shawn asked.

“Yes,” I grumbled, looking out at the shiny new vehicles that were displayed in the parking lot. “That's all I am to him, that's all I've been to him since I broke up with him.”

“And you just let him get away with it?”

My seething eyes now pointed at my boyfriend. I yanked my hand away from his and flailed both my arms as I unleashed another bout of rage. “You think this is the first time I've yelled at him? You think I always just lay back and take it all the time? I'm always sticking up for myself in this god awful place because I'm the bitch who doesn't smile! Nobody here has my back! My own boss didn't even say anything to him! If you think I'm the type to take-”

Shawn quickly held his hands up, trying to calm my hysterical movements. “Okay, okay! I'm sorry. I know you don't take anyone's bullshit. He deserved to get yelled at. I would have done it myself, but you're my little fighter.” He offered a smile.

If there was any special nickname he had for me that wasn't the typical “honey” or anything involving my all black attire, it was that. “Little fighter.” Hearing it helped diffuse some of my anger.

I finally felt rational enough to take a deep breath, calming me down even more. Shawn offered his hand, but I wasn't ready for that just yet.

He thought otherwise. “Please, just take my hand.”

“I am a fighter,” I said, folding my arms. “I did not go through various amounts of bullshit to let some fuckboy tear me down.”

Shawn just looked at me for a moment, then he agreed. “That's right.” He was still holding his hand out. “And you're very cute when you're angry.”

I rolled my eyes. “You know, I wanted to kick the shit out of my coworker, but since you're here…”

He chuckled. “Okay, okay. What I meant is, I'm just glad you know your worth. And seeing you stand up for yourself is probably the hottest thing I've ever seen you do.”

Now I took his hand. “Shut up.”

[mmmmalo]

i feel like at least part of dirks deal right now is how much roxy isnt doing what he expected of him. on a surface level hes admitted that he cant get a good read on him at all, and that hes given up trying. but i dont think that means hes accepted it, just decided to not influence roxy out of principle (if he cant understand him, he wouldnt do puppeting him justice). but he's still angry and afraid when roxy does such an unexpected thing for him.

to an extent i sort of feel like in admitting he cant read roxy, he was conferring onto roxy the responsibility to "act like roxy" of his own accord. but when roxy isnt "acting like roxy" in the way dirk perceives "acting like roxy" to mean, it almost feels like he's failed dirk, or at least badly frightened him.

Awesome point! It made me realize: Roxy addresses this directly when John accuses her of not acting like herself in the time... which I guess also functions as a direct counterpoint to Dirk’s nonsense!

ROXY: you wished i was one way the whole time we were marriedROXY: but i wasntROXY: but now that youre all convinced ur the only real boy in a crowd o puppetsROXY: here i am bein me just like you ordered only i did it without your helpROXY: widen ur zoom my man!!ROXY: im not actin like this now because you want me to or bc you dont want me toROXY: i was bad at standin up for myself then and im learnin to be good at it nowROXY: ive got my own self actualization trainROXY: ur just pullin in to one of my many roxy figures some shit out stations right as i built it

JOHN: but...JOHN: you were never like that before i...

ROXY: dudeROXY: where tf do u get off trying to decide what is or isnt me being “like me” enuffROXY: do u think ppl stay the same their whole damn lives or what

[bakuraryxu]

pls like if u read ty im doing that thing again where im thinking abt myself and like 

i f gender is performative then why does it feel so bad

am i a girl??? people perceive me as such so i guess so l ol but how can u tell u know???? u know like is it a Conscious Decision or is this just normal to think abt it. do all women go thru this?????? 

the last time i felt this way and i said to some ppl  ‘i think im not a girl’ theyw ere like yeah thats cool & asked abt pronouns (and thats how i know i m friends wiht good people) but what i was afraid of was rejection or someone to say that i was being silly, that obviously theres no way im anything but cis etc etc and i think deep down im still Afraid of that judgement u know what i mean??? 

it circles back to tha twhole thing about how being afab and being raised that way affects u. your self perception and the way you think about your body and your self in relation to others, like what is my role.

 is this just a product of my body dysmorphia (which id argue is related to being afab and also my general reaction to my body just aaasssffgfsgdhf)   or is it like     dysphoria? i m afraid to talk abotu it in case what im feeling and experienceing is normal and someone yells at me for fuckng coopting terms or whatever the fuck 

im gonna say it was like 2 years ago where i was questioning and maybe im there again?????  LMAO  idk its hard. did i ever stop questining is a good thing to ask too 

thers a tiny part of me that cringes when people refer to me w she/her but then what else could they possibly use i think ive talked about my feelings on the whole Nonbinary and Agender stuff and if i havent. uh basically i feel like thats not me either 

well maybe agender but idk again..... idk. 

throw back to thwen i was like 17 and roleplaying online and the anonymity meant sometimes people asked if i was a boy or girl or whatever and i wa slike hehe its a surprise. i liked being  undefinable in that way   if that makes sense 

wish i could go back to it 

[soonsluv]

oh, im sorry forgot the tw. TW:TRANSPHOBIA

exactly. just by saying you're trans, you're literally risking your life. transphobes are literally the reason trans people are afraid to come out.

Brazil is the #1 country in killing trans people. like, imagine seeing ur whole life that people can kill you just for being who you are. i tried my whole life to deny to myself that that was not who i was. that i was a girl and i was happy. but i wasn't. i never was. I'm still not happy. cause nobody knows it. if it was so hard for me to accept this, I'm afraid no one will understand what i am. who i am.

Portuguese is a very gendered language, where there's always 2 forms for most adjectives and nouns, there's 1 for the masculine (men) and 1 for the feminine (women). but, because of more people identifying with terms like non binary and genderfluid, there has been some changes. but it sounds so different from what we learned since we were kids. i don't feel validated in my own language.

and sometimes the worst part is that i don't even know who i am. because i still live w my dad, i still dress pretty femme and have long hair, I'm short and skinny, and i feel like people will always perceive me as a girl. so i just feel like I'm not good enough to identify as non binary or genderfluid. I'm too femme. i just wish people saw me as person, not a girl nor a boy, just a person, and liked me for who i am and my personality.

(I'm really sorry for the long message. i just thought I'd share this.)

also, don't apologize for resting rain!! u deserve it.

i looked it up and Belgium is 4 hours ahead, so yes, it was and still is the afternoon here.

i hope you have a good friday bb!! <3

- ☕

tw// transphobia

i’m so sorry to hear that latte :((

there are way too many ppl that think we’re withholding the fact that we’re trans to trick ppl while it’s mostly for our safety and out of fear of rejection. we��re scared it might be too complicated for them to understand, that they might cut us off for something we can’t control. coming out isn’t always this big relief they often portray in movies and shows and keeping it a secret just makes us boil inside.

i’m rwandese but the first language i learned was french and since it’s also a latin language, i have the same problem. when i came out to french speaking friends and they asked how they should refer to me, i had no answer. i still don’t do they we agreed to keep using fem terms for me(bc male pronouns make me feel wanna puke) but it still hurts.

and yes wtf!!! when i meet ppl and they automatically use fem terms and pronouns for me, i get so confused bc in my head it obvious that i’m not a woman nor a man. don’t get me wrong, i still have a feminine voice and body, i have mirrors in my house. i know what i look like, yet it still stuns me every fucking time. but that’s the thing, latte. clothes don’t have a gender, neither do voices or bodies or genitalia. it’s a social concept that isn’t universal nor timeless. we made it up and rules change constantly as they are only here to restrain us. non binary isn’t being androgynous nor is it even a gender. non binary is being non binary. it’s an umbrella term for everyone that isn’t 100% woman or man, which is A LOT of ppl. there’s no right way to look like an enby, man or woman. you just are.

(and i ended up having the worst friday, i still have a bunch of bruises from thursday lmao)

[neonstatic]

(transcripted convo)

i’m reposting a discussion i had w a terf. i previously posted screenshots but she messaged me and said she didn’t want her url or avatar displayed. editing the pics to post them again was hell so i’m posting a script instead (i learned my lesson tumblr: you suck). if anyone ends up finding the convo and thus the redacted speaker... idc. this is a public website and we technically had this convo in public - the notes of a post aren’t private spaces afaik. i’m posting this as proof that sometimes calmly reasoning with ppl lead to nothing. (i know anyone could say the same but lmao leave me alone.)

tw for transphobia/transmisogyny 

[redacted] (speaking to a transmasc discourser about the "woman path"): Ok let me explain what I mean :) if your experience was totally different then thats fine :) im 24 and when I was little i was encouraged to play with dolls and learn 'motherly things' like playing with baby dolls while my brother played with toy trucks. There was a lot of pressure at school to wear dresses, and be sweet and polite. @[transmasc discourser] then of course, learning to deal with periods and the shame and taboo around them. Removing body hair because its considered unladylike. Etc

@[transmasc discourser] have you had none of those experiences?

neonbaebae: these are all common experiences for women bc of gender roles/stereotypes but none of that defines womanhood as an identity.

[redacted]: completely agree they are gender roles. But menstruation isnt a gender role. Its a frustrating part of being female. But that said, what IS womanhood then?

(rest under cut)

neonbaebae: menstruation is a biological function that is in no way exclusive to female bodies. remember intersex ppl, who come in all forms and shapes. women aren't all the same and it's likewise for men. there are intersex women who don't fit all the criteria for being "female" yet still identify as women. there is a distinction to make between womanhood as an experience and womanhood as an identity.

the woman experience is what you've described. the woman identity is feeling like one, e.g.: liking female-coded clothes, makeup, hairstyles, feeling comfortable in the societal role of being a woman. identity is essentially abt self perception most of the time

[redacted]: intersex is unique and I respect that not all womens bodies are the same. Intersexuality is complex but it doesnt represent the majority of biological women. I dont have a strong baclground in intersex knowledge so I'm certainly not gonna speak on behalf of intersex women. so if identity is self perception (which I completely agree with) how can a biological man self perceive his femaleness.if he's never experienced it?

neonbaebae: trans women never identify with being male and all in entails. and they can see, thru watching women counterparts and how they interact with the world around them, that they id more w the idea of womanhood and much less w the idea of manhood. it's esp why dysphoria often settles around puberty bc the dissonance manifests physically and that's harder to handle

[redacted]: but what youre talking about is what trans women see women do.  If thats what someone aspires to, its a very basic and narrow understanding of  what womanhood is. Its only what they see. And people are far more complex than this. Does a biological male aspire to periods stigma, beauty conformity and lesser social stance in the world? Or do they aspire to femininity? Something many biological women dont feel comfortable with

neonbaebae: womanhood as an identity is a feeling that is strengthened by a disconnection to manhood, its polar opposite. someone who completely rejects the idea of being man is likely to prefer being a woman (not always but likely!). many trans women do aspire to femininity and it has nothing to do with the cis women who are uncomfortable w it, just like there are many cis women who embrace it too.

many trans women cannot quite explain their transition in another way than "being a man felt wrong but being a woman feels right and authentic to my true self". i'd suggest to ask an actual trans woman for her pov tho since i'm not one, i'm just basing myself on what i've heard them say

[redacted]: but feeling disconnected with manhood (which is understandable and gender roles are frustrating) doesnt make someone the opposite of a man. As society we need to open our understanding of gender expression. But this isnt the same as thinking 'if I dont feel like a conventional man or connect with male social expectations, then I must be the opposite'. Theres no logic in that

we live in a world where gender stereotype binaries are considered natural, and people who dont fit this understandably feel marginalised. In fact Id argue to a greater or lesser degree, none of us truly fit the prescribed gender binary.

but i find it problematic when a man thinks they're a woman based on what they think 'woman' is.

neonbaebae: you're right in saying that a disconnection from manhood doesn't make someone a woman - a connection to womanhood does. it has v little to do with the upbringing of women which you seem to define thru misogyny and menstruation alone which is frankly a pessimistic view of womanhood. it's less not feeling like a conventional man and more not feeling like a man At All. tru it doesn't sound logical but gender is not logical it's abstract and complex

it seems problematic bc one might think men would gain smth from iding as women but stats show that trans women are at higher risk of assault for being out and open, both of bc of misogyny (not directly related to having a vagina or menstruating after all) & transphobia. it's esp telling that trans men aren't targeted as much. do you disagree w trans men as well?

[redacted]: but as a women i dont connect with womanhood. Lol i am a women. It would be nice to think we live in a world where women are equal, but that's not the world we live in. Womanhood is hard. And we do live under a patriarchal society that's cultivated female inferiority over many centuries. We're still negotiating freedoms today.

Its not about gaining or loss. Its about the male right to self define womanhood on their terms, without the biological or social conditioning. In fact, many have recieved MALE conditioning as children. This comes with its own privileges.

I think transmale is a very different experience so no I categorise them very differently to transwomen

neonbaebae: "as a woman" you say. even if the experiences and stereotypes don't fit you perfectly, even if you reject it, you still id as a woman. you feel like one and you suffer the consequences of being one. believe it or not trans women suffer from iding as a woman as well and thrice as harshly. i can provide sources if you want.

trans women don't think like men bc they feel like women. the thought patterns are different. they don't digest the social messages abt men bc their mind doesn't relate to it. male entitlement and all doesn't apply to them. and in sociology alone womanhood is often defined as more than a biological or upbringing thing. it's a social identity and trans women have a right to it if they don't id and reject manhood altogether

my question tho was do you think trans men aren't men either cus otherwise that'd be hypocritical

[redacted]: my point is its not an identity. Its a reality. Im a woman. I have xx chromosomes and the world treats me as such. Similar to my race. I dont identify as my race, i am treated as the world sees me.

male entitlement does apply. Statistically baby boys are fed for longer than baby girls. And little girls are left to cry for longer than baby boys. Little girls learn many motherly caretaker roles while many of their male counterparts are encouraged to conquer the world. Children are raised by gender. Even subconsciously. I can also provide sources :)

there are many more male leaders and men in authoritive positions in the world. Women fight very hard for the same respect, but womens voices are less valued. It takes no genius to see men have greater standing in the world

about transmen. No I dont consider them men but I'll respectfully use the pronouns anyone prefers, male or female. Its common decency.

I think society needs to get more comfortable with non confirmative gender expression

neonboobear: but it is an identity. that's why there's a distinction between sex (bio) and gender (identity & expression). if it would feel wrong for you to be called a man or nonbinary then that'd be bc you don't id as such. (also there are women with chromosomes other than xx maybe you should avoid phrasing it that way.) i id as my race but race has v different roots & impact than gender historically and it cannot be compared. let's stick with gender.

and i'm not denying gendered socialization but it doesn't shape a child more than their personal feelings on their identity, which can differ v early in life bc (some) would rather engage in activities associated with the opposite gender for example. if it were that simple trans ppl wouldn't go at lengths to "play the part"

you're right society does need to accept gender non conformance but that's v different from the trans experience. i rly think you should have a deep conversation with a trans person to try and see their pov

[redacted]: if womanhood is an identity, it totally invalidates what it means to be female. And yes its arguable that there're are women who arent xx but how about the majority of the population that are. Must we pander to the few at the expense of the majority? also what makes you assume I dont talk to trans people? Critique doesnt mean lack of empathy.

Children and gendered socialization is complex. Maybe if 'feminine' activities werent coded as female and just 'childhood play' we wouldnt have the same degree of dysphoria. It goes back to the irrational logic, 'if I like the pink toy section then I must be a girl.'

neonboobear: i'm afraid that is your pov for the ideology that womanhood is an experience but also an identity is considered a v valid theory in the science field. the fact that there are women with chromosomes other than xx is proof alone that xx chromosomes aren't what makes a woman. and i've suggested a deep conversation and an intention to Understand the Other. not just a talk. i said nothing abt empathy.

there would be less dysphoria but i'm sure it's still be there. many think the abolition of gender would solve everything but i doubt so

[redacted]: i have a close mtf friend and we have the debate constantly. We don't always agree with her but there's a lot more common ground then you might expect :) Gender roles damn us all. Hmmmm... abolition of gender is impossible but theres is a lot that can be done to challenge gender expectations. But not an easy battle! neonbaebae: i mean this with the least offense okay but i sincerely think neither of you should be friends. i’m black and i’d never befriend a racist. that’s a lack of self respect on her part and a plain lack of respect on yours. 

i’d like to end this conversation here. i’ve said my point and i’d only repeat myself by continuing. and since i’m not a trans woman i don’t want to misinterpret them (so sorry if i’ve already did. trans girls feel free to bring up clarifications). might sound tedious but i strongly suggest you watch this 50-min long video essay by youtuber contrapoints. her vids are informative and entertaining and so v easy to digest despite the length. i’ve heard she’s not v liked in terf circles but it’s worth it to listen to what she has to say as a trans women.