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1staind-3 · 27 days

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Argument hcs for blue lock 🤯🤯🤯 (half angst, half crack?)

This list includes Nagi, Reo, Aiku, Kunigami, Chigiri, and Kaiser

‼️Tw: mentions of gaslighting, cheating, dv (kaisers backstory), chigiris leg, uhmm someone says “kys” but idk what the warning is called‼️

Very badly formatted pls be warned sob

Probably like 1k words lmao

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Nagi

•y’all started arguing because he keeps dropping all his dirty clothes off by the washing machine and expecting you to wash them (green aura with dead flies)

•when he’s in an argument he responds like 5 times until he makes his point, then he just stops responding.

•he’ll just stand up, walk away and watch tv or start playing fortnite or smth

•if you follow him, still trying to talk to him, he’ll put headphones on

“Just drop it y/n, you’re letting your emotions get the better of you.”

•if you wanted to turn the argument physical, then snatch his headphones out

•he’d just stand up and look at you with a face blank with anger, waiting for you to make the next move.

“You really wanna do this, y/n?”

*locks in* nuh uh

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Reo

•yall started arguing because Reo is acting passive agressive around you, and you dont know why.

•he’ll just be saying shit like

“having fun?”

“Gee, if only you had a boyfriend to talk to… right infront of you.”

“Is he my replacement?”

•when you ask what’s wrong, he’ll say,

“Oh, nothing.” Once again, completely pissed off.

•after a week, the alpha wolf inside you SNAPPED, and you started asking him why he’s doing all this? Like what’s his problem!

“My problem? You’re always watching these stupid romcoms like you dont have a boyfriend right infront of you!! Just admit it, you’re getting bored of me. I knew it…”

•Erm… what the striker is bro going on abt??

•you replied, on the verge of laughter, that you’ve only been watching all these romcoms for an English assignment. Who would willingly watch binge watch hallmark movies while writing down notes in a notepad?

•Reo stared at you in shock, then blushed. “Really..?”

•You smiled and ushered him to sit next to you, cuddling him the second he sat down. “I know i just dissed Hallmark movies, but they’re popular for a reason… i always cry in the end. Hey, you see that guy?”

•Reo smiled back and cuddled into you, apologizing for how he acted. You apologized as well, and reminded him that there’s no need to overthink these so much, you’re not gonna get mad at him for having feelings.

(Erm… what the roleplay !! Sorry guys idk like what pov the rest of these are in 😭😭 forgibe me)

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Aiku

(Deep breath in…. Deep breath out…. Deeep breath in…. NOOOOOOOO)

•yall started arguing because you found a pair of underwear in his duffle bag… lingerie underwear…

•Aiku is literally the gaslighter of all time🔥🔥 so he’ll managed to convince you that this was all just some silly mistake.

•after that, arguing either him became really hard. He seemed to have a question or excuse for literally every problem you accuse him of

•seen him with a girl?

“Cmon y/n, ive never been to a bowling alley in my life. Who even goes there? I think you’re just being paranoid babe.”

“Want a massage?”

•seen him again with a different girl? And this time he looked you right in the eyes?

“No way babe, that’s impossible. I hate chinese food.” Then he’ll carry you to your room, feel your head and say

“You’re burning up… fevers can cause hallucinations in some people, I’m surprised you made it here without wrecking. Hey, don’t worry now, everything’s gonna be darling.”

•eventually you just stopped arguing with him about it. Or anything.

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Kunigami

•yall started arguing because you feel like Kunigami’s being secretive with you, and hiding some messed up issues

•Kunigami tries his best to avoid arguments with you, but when they happen you stress him out the most in the world because he seriously has to watch what he says and does

“Im not being fu- freaking… secretive, y/n, you don’t have to know my entire life story to be with me.”

“I know… i just…what? No! I dont need fucking therapy? Dont piss me off, y/n.”

•the last thing he wants to do is hurt you, so he most of the time tries to keep his responses curt and to the point and walks out before he starts yelling.

“Im gonna take a walk, y/n. Dont follow me.”

•if you grab his arm, he’ll look back at you and repeat what he said.

“Dont. follow. me.”

• he cant let you know about wild card. He cant let you know about the person he used to be. He can’t ever, ever, let you meet shidou. He cant ever, ever, ever, let you see him cry.

•all arguments with him lead absolutely nowhere, so you’d better change your approach with him to get what your looking for out of him.

• do not, i repeat, do not ever slap/hit him. He wont hit you back, but now you’ve instantly made him lose any will to preserve your feelings and have a normal conversation

•he will think of the most foul, personal, targeted insults known to man. Lots of “kill yourself”s on his part. You two will without a doubt break up after this.

•he wont act like he didn’t feel betrayed, and he’ll touch the spot you hurt him at while he falls asleep, and tries not to cry.

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Chigiri

•yall started arguing because he keeps using up all ur shampoo whenever he showers at your place

• first thing he’ll do is deny it, then pin the blame on you (darvo type sh)

•he doesn’t mean to be toxic, he just really, really, hates being wrong.

•you guys argue alot. Over basically everything.

•half the times, chigiri can admit that he was wrong, but he’ll NEVER apologize

•he doesnt really think he did anything wrong??

•when you notice that Chigiri had never ONCE apologized to you for literally anything.

“Oh really? Well that’s literally impossible but sure.”

•you told him to say sorry right now then

“Fine. Sorry.”

•then you told him to say sorry to you

“For what though?”

•eventually chigiri revealed that he doesnt apologize to people unless its something really fucked up. He doesn’t wanna just say it so lightly, because then the word becomes meaningless. A worn out formality that everyone uses when someone bumps into them at the store. It basically used to be a greeting for him back when he fucked his ankle up. they’d see his wheelchair before they saw him. Theyd say sorry before they even said his name.

•your mouth did an O and you understood instantly.

•after that, you guys argued just a little bit less

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Kaiser

•you don’t argue with kaiser

•kaiser is ALWAYS right.

•maybe if you ask him kindly for a solution to your problem, he would grace you with an answer to your plight

•but arguing back to him is unacceptable, unless you want to be grabbed by

“You dont deserve to cry.”

•is something you hear from him often.

•he’ll always somehow find a way to mention how his dad used to beat him for crying, if you start crying infront of him which you find very ominous

“How long will it take to put this in your stupid head already. Im right, you’re wrong. You’re more suited for looking pretty instead of thinking”

• after you eventually stopped talking, Kaiser decided it was time to start looking for someone who could actually entertain him

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Ty for reading !! And ik i did shitty w kaiser but i dont fucking like him so i never rlly paid attention to his personality LMAO but if yall want to give any crituque id be thankful!! Bye yall ❤️❤️

#bllk #blue lock #michael kaiser #alexis ness #blue lock manga #nagi seishiro #reo mikage #bllk fanfic #bllk hcs #bllk headcanons #ooc #kunigami rensuke #post wild card kunigami #bllk spoilers #kinda #writing #writers on tumblr

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survivorreelsmagicwithin · 4 years

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Episode 11- “we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon”-Lily

I am literally so shook LOL, I don't know what just happened but... Dan used his idol on me and I wish he would have stayed because comp queen... I am not. I KNOW I am going to be the next to go if I don't win the next immunity challenge and I just don't know which of these fakes to put my trust in. I HONESTLY went back to Landen and Lily and intend to keep it that way because I don't know what kind of fuckery just happened with everyone else. AND CHIPS IF YOU WROTE MY NAME DOWN AFTER WE PROMISED NOT TO WRITE EACH OTHERS NAMES.... jk LOL. I went from like sobbing last week to laughing this week, I am a MESS.

3 minutes later

TOUCHY SUBJECTS!! This is going to be my comp to win because I have a method with this one that NEVER fails me when I use it. To do it I just have to be INSANELY honest and then just get into the head of everyone else. I write everyone's name down that is still in the game and I figure out what each person would say for each question and then I tally it up! LOOK at me being all cocky and confident about it, watch me lose now, LOL.

1 hour later

I really hope I win this challenge so I won't join Owen and Dan in the jury anytime soon. This one is another one that I feel like Jules will do really good on, so there is that. She, Landen and Lily are the ONLY ones that have talked to me after tribal. Also did I mentioned I left the alliance chat I made with Landen and Lily then made a new one, LOL. I promise I'm only this crazy when I play Survivor, I have no chill, I'm either dead and float to the end or I'm chaotic and jump from person to person and burn bridges and play BADLY like a crazy person.

when two idols get played and you accidentally send out a frenemy lmaaaaoo ily Dan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOcx0U-XVpA

ok now on to the show

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1j3uV5Zc49fbFH4xLK-L0JQX82xsiA1dq/view?usp=sharing

dear diary, what the FUCK! i disassociate for one (1) day and everything goes bonkers.. all i can say is that i'm glad landen trusts me so much because whew.. what a messy man. but i love everything about him.. CFHGVJBKN no but for realsies this vote was CRAZY. but one of the biggest threats in this game.. at least to me just got out SOOO. i am thriving. i honestly think i'm genuinely in a really good position in this game because voting for ruthie last round secures my trust with so many people in this game.. aka autumn, lily AND while landen already trusts me so much <3 im even in more good graces with him by keeping in someone so close to him even though im still hmmm. on how close him and lily are. it's scary but.. i know he holds me dearly to him too so boom? UM! i don't know. working with jules and kevin is reassuring too.. chips and i are tight always.. the only people i don't talk to are joanna and ruthie but i don't think that will affect me in an matter. so. smiles.

HA!!! I may have had the most OTT confessionals ever last round but look who gets the last laugh?? LANDEN GETS THE LAST LAUGH! Because I was RIGHT. I knew that something was going on and something mysterious was being planned, I was utterly confused as to why this shit was happening around me, and I knew these people were off. I said They are PLAYING ME and why do I not know what's going on, there's something shady happening... And yes there was. I have to thank Kevin for making the dumbest move he could possibly make, which is to tell me and Lily. Sorry Kevin but you fucked me over twice and I'm not good with that, I'm not okay with his double dealing anymore! :) He was playing the middle and he got caught and If I want to make sure that Lily and myself continue to get through votes... That's the card I have to play. Last night I was working overtime as hard as possible to convince Chips and Autumn that they need to split the votes onto Ruthie and Dan, and to do that I was throwing Ruthie and Kevin under the bus. Oooops! Then they made it super easy by telling me the vote was on Lily which gave me the ammunition to flip things on Ruthie. Kevin might think it was just for that round, but I'm so glad, because this vote finally put me in a position of a tiny bit of power, I think. I'm still not like, RUNNING things, but I got an alliance of 5 and I think we really do have motivation to stick together, at least for now, and take Kevin and Ruthie OUT of this game. If I can just do that, that sets me up really well for the final stages of this game. I have to take out the double agents, get rid of the double dealing, set up this vote CLEAR, because I don't have an idol for protection anymore. Speaking of which... Yes I guess you could consider that a waste, but it wasn't like Lily got NO votes. I knew she would be getting 2 for sure, and I only knew for sure that Dan was getting 1. I was not going to risk Lily's life on the fluke possibility that there would be 2 or 3 Dan votes or that people would revote out Dan over Lily. No way. Lily is not only a huge shield for me in this game because of her social game, connections, and strategic prowess (she'd be more threatening than me in any FTC i think which makes people want to go for her instead of me), but she's someone who's ALWAYS going to have my back in this game. That is extremely powerful, I don't know if most people realize how powerful it is for someone to always have your back and be giving you information, that kind of relationship is necessary in Survivor and it always gives a type of power that could help me go on to win this game. And honestly, the more people think I'm playing FOR lily and that they shouldn't respect my game bc a lot of it is in the name of helping her and i BOTH get through things, they're wrong, but the better they think that bc that just helps make me seem a little less threatening and a little more like the ideal Buddy to take into Final Tribal Council! Where I hopefully have the story and the moves to wreck any opponent sans Autumn, Jules, Kevin, maaaaybe juls who all obviously cannot be allowed to make it there. :P I feel MUCH better about my spot in the game now. MARSHMALLOW MOVES BABY

INCH RESTING that only Landen, Lily and Jules have talked to me one on one since last night. They are the ones that I was most wary of last round but I rely a lot on the of the social aspect of this game and if these people are too scared to talk to me after voting for me I'm not going to feel bad if I vote for them, haha. I really have a good feeling about this challenge and I am once again praying to the survivor gods that I manage to pull out a win. I NEED this.

I hate touchy subjects, I have never won it. Also last vote was a mess, two idols were played and that is insane. I was added really late to this new alliance chat and like okay cool, but I know I'm on the bottom of that alliance and they are trying to tell me that kevin is a snake but i trust kevin and like i can't go against that alliance because they are majority and tbh i'm not 100% sure who is all IN that alliance, they just told me to vote ruthie and i did and then she didn't even go home. i have voted for ruthie twice now and ruthie has gone home zero times, i'm worried she is going to come for me, but i've just been trying to vote with majority my guys

The anxiety I feel before immunity results is UNREAL in this game, haha. I have a really strong feeling that I won this one... and I am usually wrong when I start thinking that but I just HOPE that I did, I need this to squeak by. I'm not really sure what I am going to do going forward, I feel like if I win this round I can either a) Cause a lot of ruckus and spill everyones tea when they finally decide to talk game with me or b) Have complete loyalty to Landen and Lily and just do whatever the heck they want to do to show that I AM loyal. I swear, every time I see I have a new Skype notification I refresh the blog to see if it is the results... and no luck. Yet. Okay the people in the Atomic VL really need to stop so I will stop getting notifications, LOL. HARDLY ANYONE talks in this game right before results so I just have to deal with my anxiety over the results right here in my confessional. I am also searching and I'm mad at myself for remembering to search so late bc I doubt there will be time for me to look right before tribal tomorrow. I think?? That I might be onto something. At the three broomsticks you can ask for drinks but there was an option to get a room and I'm HOPING that if I do that I will get one of those passes where I get to skedaddle before tribal. I mean, it makes sense to me but it is probably going to be NOTHING. And it was nothing and I also DID NOT win immunity, grrr. LOL. I was actually way off and I can't wait to see what everyone said for everything. OKAY at least I got the one about me being the biggest liar right.

I'm not sure if i'm making moves or if my seeds are planting... but autumn has more social ties in this game than i do right now... and landen is playing a fantastic game from what i can tell. that's dangerous to keep around. i think he has a real shot at winning. and i don't want to be a goat. but every time i have had an agenda i have fought for it, just since merge hit, everyone who has been targeted i didn't care if they went. no agenda, no feisty joanna. but i'm creating an agenda... and i think landen might be my target... sorry b, just i want me to win this thing more than i want you to but... i also think that kevin is doing wonderfully. if i have any chance at this thing, which maybe i don't, landen and kevin both need to go.

I am fine with every touchy subjects answer I got... for the MOST part. Wouldn't bring home to your family? That's fine, I'm loud, aggressive, in your face with my opinions, boldly passionate, etc etc. They had to choose someone and I totally understand why they would pick me for that. Thinks he's running the game, I mean, I think it's obvious I DON'T think that, by how paranoid and messy I was scrambling the last couple votes, but I also know I come off as very pretentious and arrogant with having information, and have been on the right side of every vote, so I understand that people would put that about me. Loudest, DUH! Host favorite and juiciest confessionals I DEFINITELY don't agree with lol, I can be very boring and rambly, and I know yall dont like me TOO much. But Biggest villain... BIGGEST VILLAIN?!?! ARE YOU FOR REAL? ARE YOU FOR REAL, GIRL, ARE WE FOR REAL?? SOMEONE LIED TO HER SEVERAL TIMES. WHERE was the villainous behavior. WHERE WAS IT?!?!? I am one of the ONLY people in this game who has sold almost NOBODY out and who has almost NEVER lied. I sold ONE person out, and that was Ruthie. Who, might I remind you, BETRAYED HUFFLEPUFF before I did that, and NEVER established a 1-on-1 alliance with me, EVER, or even a smaller alliance with me. So it was hardly even a betrayal, especially as I was fighting to SURVIVE sdkfdskf. I played an IDOL for my closest ally, I spiraled as hard as possible to change the votes for every ally who was in serious danger, and I consistently did everything I can to do the right thing in this game instead of being a cutthroat mastermind like SOME PEOPLE (Jules, Kevin, im looking at you assholes!) AND SOMEHOW IM THE VILLAIN!??! I just... LOL. Girl where? Where am I the villain of the season? I'm definitely no OTTP hero, that's Lily, but as her designated sidekick I should at least be MORM! I mean, come on! As far as Kevin winning immunity and a bunch of other good superlatives, sigh. It's very questionable and makes me sketched the hell out. I wanna push on Jules but I feel like I'm gonna have to just push on Ruthie again, and I'm pretty sure that now that I'm without the idol I'll be going home bc of the stunt I pulled last time, soooo... Yeeeah. That's that. I'll definitely push what I can tmrw tho, but for the most part I'm just gonna focus on school and my new cat collecting game, the game has been rly cute though so far and hopefully I find some way to stay.

look at me... number crunching like i can do math

I'm pretty sure that if Dan knew I just told Landen and Lily about the power he sent me- the anonymous note thing- he would break into hogwarts to yell at me. I told them merely to establish a trust with them again because staying tight with them may be my only shot to actually make it to the end.

I'm so furious Kevin won immunity, because I had the perfect shot to go for him. I'm so angry. I'm so UPSET. I'm like.... WHEW i'm mad. It's so exhausting feeling like you're on the bottom every, single, round, no matter what happens, no matter how much you do to prove your loyalty and try to find an in with people, all it does is continually push you down even worse. I get ignored all day then I get called pushy and paranoid for asking why it's happening and trying to come up with a plan, then to make it worse I get labelled as "Villain of the Season". Like.... wtf? I guess I'm a villain for daring to try and survive and protect Lily, that makes me soooo evil and such a big bad, I guess I'm a villain for selling out Ruthie who never ever made an alliance with me and turned on me first, I guess I'm a villain for turning on Kevin after he consistently lies to me all day and plays the middle just to put me on the bottom, like, that's not a real ally. A real ally does whatever they can to do what is in the best interest of themselves AND their ally. They consider what's good for eachother. Kevin and others have proven to me at basically every single turn that they just consider me an extra vote, and, let's make this clear, an extra vote they don't even like. They use me because they know I'm a loyal player, and when they backstab me they get angry that I retaliate and do what I can to further my own position. It's just like extremely mind boggling and these are the type of mind games that wear me out so much because this game just psychologically is like brutal. It wears me down a lot and I'm just trying to keep a clear head about all this and find some way to stay afloat in the game and keep bearing a smile but it's honestly really really hard and at this point I don't know how much energy I have left to keep giving every tribal 150% at the last 30 minutes just to barely survive. Especially without an idol, like i'm just.. sigh. It's a lot but I'm going to keep giving it everything i have, because if there's one thing I don't know how to do, it's give up or lay down, even when all signs point to just settling and being quiet. It's not in my blood and I gotta play this game like me even if it makes me lose. A win is not worth compromising myself for, I'll never feel good about a victory that I feel like I abandoned myself to earn.

And here we are at a stand still again. I feel like I’m in one of those old westerns but I’m out there with my gun in my holster ready to go and everybody else is at the saloon. Tumbleweeds go by and I’m like hello? Anybody there? Anyway... Landen is losing it. I’m here trying to keep hope and keeping my fingers crossed that my chills vibes get through on this holiday. So the past two tribals, despite being some of the most stressful of my whole life, have gone my way somehow. And I don’t think I’m appearing as too big of a threat at this point but what am I kidding I got votes last time. I have two alliances going which is more than I usually have. I continue to have the desire to stay hufflepuff strong despite voting for ruthie on the last vote. I also have an alliance with landen, Joanna, autumn, and chips. It’s an interesting group to say the least and I can’t say I fully trust the group. Autumn came forward as voting for dan at the last one and while I appreciate the honesty it does continue to make me weary of Autumn. I also think Dan was the one to start a vote on me and he may have been getting some traction on it but it fizzled. I hope that someone else doesn’t start to catch on to how suave I am and vote me out. I’d like to at least make it to my lucky 7 spot at this point! This vote I think the best outcome would be Jules going. I have the least amount of strategic conversation with her so that would be ideal at this point. If it’s ruthie...I don’t want to vote her but I can’t risk getting myself voted out defending her. Shout out to you Ruthie. Best of luck. And we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon...

can't believe the entire old hufflepuff tribe (minus Max) is back in an alliance together again. I can't trust any of them as far as I can throw them but I love it. In other news, someone started a rumor that Chips told me to vote for Jules?? and he DID NOT. But he is also not talking to me right now anymore. I don't want to vote Jules, I am NOT voting Jules. Jules also said she is not voting me but idk that I can trust it or not. NO ONE is talking game right now besides me, Kevin, Lily and Landen. Chips was talking to me earlier and so were Juls and Jules but none of them really knew a name and this is just a MESS. I'm just trying not to get into any drama because I'm already branded as the biggest liar on the tribe when there are some people around here that have lied A LOT more than I have!! US TALKING GAME AND LILY RANDOMLY POPPING IN AFTER BEING MIA FOR AWHILE IN WITH- HAHAHAHAH okay edited, I cannot say what she said but I AM DEAD.. it includes the party emoji. I AM DEAD LOL, oh my god. I can't stop laughing. ANYWAY. So, Autumn says that the vote was Jules and now it is Chips?? SO BOTH SIDES ARE VOTING THE SAME? I'm so shook right now but this is good news! I feel bad because Chips and I DID have a really good conversation today but if he was the one that just stirred all this shit up he needs to go. I need a moment of peace!

well. people be lyin to me. so. anyways. im tired. THESE PPL BE DOIN!!!!! THE MOST!!!!

i’m betraying the alliance i came into merge with while trying to keep it together. how does one convince someone to vote with them while pretending they don’t know anything?

TOO MUCH INFO TOO LITTLE TIME ILL DO ANOTHER ONE AFTER TRIBAL

Tribal has been wild this round. Kevin won the challenge so he's immune. The new alliance I'm in wants to vote Jules because they are a powerhouse in all three categories - social, strategic, and challenges. Anyway, I told Jules I would tell them if I ever heard their name. I wanted to stick to that so I told them. I guess that was a mistake because they asked who from and I was already told they were working closely with Kevin so I just said Kevin. And then really shook them and I think they were shocked because Kevin is their final 2 (most likely) - anyway I didn't know what to say when they asked "From him?" because he never talks game with me. EVER. Luckily I got busy with life so I didn't have to respond... when I get back to my computer though apparently Jules has started asking why their name is being said to Landen and Lily and a conversation that I have had with Ruthie makes them suspicious that I am also telling Ruthie so the "loose lips sink ships" comes into play. Anyway, I definitely didn't actually say anything to Ruthie at all so I put that fire out. Then I try to tiptoe around the fact that I told Jules and Landen comes to the conclusion that Ruthie MUST be close with them if Jules knows because Juls might have talked to Ruthie about the vote. In the meantime our alliance comes up with a plan to throw me under the bus to Jules as well as for me to do the opposite to either Ruthie or Landen. For fear of an idol. All this drama happens and then I have to tell Jules that Kevin didn't say it and that someone else told me that Kevin had said it and they ask who... and then follow it up by telling me that Landen has been throwing me under the bus saying I'm lying and that they need to vote me. I guess our plan has started. I let Jules know that it was Landen who wanted to vote them. And then Jules comes to the conclusion that Landen is the common factor in these stories and asks if I want to vote for him. I agree because he has been trying to have me murdered and voted out all while at the same time planning to vote for Jules anyway. This plan is so eccentric and weird and nothing like I have ever done on Survivor. I felt so bad when I didn't tell Jules that they were being targeted for the vote but did not want to open this can of worms. Kind of hoping I get blindsided so I don't have to live with the guilt. But then also sort of hoping it works just because it is such a cool and fun thing we have done.

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levelfivegay · 7 years

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so literally nobody asked but heres how my day went

wwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttt the fuckckcckckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk honestly. started normal. got my tired gay ass outta bed at 5, went to school at 6. 0 hour went by fine. took a quiz on heart of darkness, died a little inside, but about halfway through i was hit by Fucking Waves of the McDepression(tm) feel. So again, started normal.

first hour tho,,,,,, jesus fuck???? hate that class. Its AP calc AB, so its fucking hard. I get by, i understand pretty much everything we do though. I get good grades on the mock tests we take, but i do no work. absolutely nothing. i rarely do any work at all if im being honest. im always out of it, im literally constantly consumed by the urge to jump in front of a car, i cant force myself to do anything. ive convinced myself nothing i do is important anymore because i wont be alive long enough to benefit from it (yikes lmao i know).

so i do nothing and have a solid fucking F in that class. we took a quiz and worked on a packet. along the way i get asked a problem about fucking derivatives and i had the right answer but i stutter when explaining it and i literally get fucking sympathy pats (actual physical pats. they may not have been that passive aggressive but i hate physical contact and overanalyze everything and get mad) because poor stupid fucking jillian right?

but anyways at the end in the idle 3 minutes the teacher gave us, she came up to me to confront me about my grade. she told me its an... Issue and she thought i knew more than my grade reflected which... i guess. she asked what was going on and of course whenever someone asks whats wrong i go into Breakdown Mode, like somebody drilled a fucking hole in a shitty dam. i look away from her and say i “just have a lot going on right now and i cant focus on that” and she asks me to try harder (this was when i started tearing my nails off and holding my breath so i wouldnt actually cry in front of the entire class) and to come in after school next week. so i agree and before i can fucking book it she tells me she has to call my parents. so the bell rings and i grab my shit and fucking motor, going blue in the face holding back a breakdown.

the walk down that hallway out of the building has literally never been harder. i left my friends behind and turned my music as loud as possible to catch my breath and clear my face before i go outside to walk with another friend. i... kind of succeeded? bc he didnt say anything. so we went to class and i was distracting myself with shitty jokes and bad coloring and he says we should leave after that hour, so i get my mom to call me out and we leave and get food.

and when i got home, i immediately checked the receiver and deleted the teachers message.

but god damn.

i was such a wreck when she was talking to me. how the fuck do you lightly say that the reason you didnt do your math homework was because you were curled up thinking about all the ways you could kill youself in the next three minutes and who youd have to address in your suicide note????? what the fuck????

honestly im this fucked up mixture of angry and depressed. ive asked my parents three times now for fucking therapy. i need someone to talk to. i fu cking need someone to actually talk to who i wont be paranoid about worrying with all my shit. someone who actually kind of wants to hear what i want to say to help or is at least a little obligated to. what kind of parents three times dont help their kid get help? what the fuck. if my kid could work up the courage to ask me for an appt with a therapist or psychiatrist, id hop all over that shit real fast. lists of therapists in the area covered by our insurance, discussions of what they want out of it, schedules, get them set up asap. but here we are. seven months later. wow.

lmao life just that way isnt it tho lol. crazy innit. someone hit me with a car.

#suicide /#yikes how many of my personal posts are tagged w that #lmao #this is just me ranting its boring as shit.#if u read this pls murder me lmaaoaoooo #seriously its just ranting about petty problems tho

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thiswreckageivebecome · 8 years

Text

The Winter Soldier is Here (“Protective Anger”-Part Eleven) (Bucky Barnes x reader/Winter Soldier x reader)

Description: You’re working at the local farmers market when you meet Bucky and catch his eye, not only because you’re the only one who sells plums, but because you treat him like a normal person. As a friendship begins to bloom, it quickly grows into a relationship and you learn that life with Bucky isn’t as easy it originally seemed. I SUCK AT DESCRIPTIONS!

Word Count: 1392

Warning: None.

Author’s Note: Not every aspect matches with the Marvel films or comics. I chose to include and ignore some of the choices Marvel made for various reasons. Just know going in that not everything lines up with the storyline Marvel created and that is done on purpose.

Sorry guys, but this is going to be a short filler/background chapter. Good news is, the next chapter is already complete and will be posted very soon!

READER POV

-----------------

"So your kids can't make it for Christmas this year? I hate that," I said as Roger and I walked to my vehicle.

"(Y/n), how much do you know about this Bucky Barnes?" Roger's tone and pointed question caught me off guard. It was the quietest and simultaneously serious I had ever heard him. His voice had an edge I had never experienced.

"Mr. Roger, what do you mean?"

"(Y/n), I knew Bucky Barnes. I knew my brother, well. I want to tell you about him and how I knew Bucky as well. Jimmy met Barnes in training and they became friends quickly. Barnes didn't have any family, only a civilian friend, Steve, so he came home with Jimmy most of the times they were allowed to visit family. Bucky became a part of our family quickly. He was charming and made others laugh. He and Jimmy were a lot alike in that way. Before Jimmy left for war, he was all about charming the ladies, being the center of attention, and just living a happy life. Even during his training, he was the same big brother I knew and loved. He always made time for us, his siblings, it was just he, our younger sister, and me. He took interest in us and always showed us how much he cared about us. He always did his best to protect us in every way possible, which is why I saw him as the perfect person to become a soldier. I knew he would be a great protector of our great nation, much like he was a great protector of his family. He was always happy, he never let things get him down, even when things weren't so great for our family, but he always kept spirits lifted with his jovial mood."

Listening to Roger, it was evident how much he looked up to and idolized his brother, his serious tone had changed to more of a reminiscent one. "I don't think I've ever heard you talk about your brother this much, Mr. Roger. That's lovely. I'd love to hear about him more sometime."

"Good, because you're about to." The slick and sharp tone was back. "After my brother came back from war, he was not the same person I just described. He lost every friend he had made, including Bucky Barnes. They had all died or been captured and no one knew their whereabouts. He, Jimmy, was frail, paranoid, and hermit-like after he returned. When he was awake, and we were actually able to get him to leave his room, he would sit and stare, mind far from where he was. There were many nights that I ran to his room as I heard thrashing, crashing, and yelling. As you can imagine, he returned from war with PTSD. The entire first week back, he wrecked the house every night as sleepwalking was mixed with the nightmares he fought. In his nightmares, he was still at war, and our house displayed this." He paused and took a deep breath, and I could tell things were getting difficult for him so I jutted in.

"Mr. Roger, you don't have to do this. I'm not sure why you're telling me this. You don't have to, though. I don't want you to be upset."

"(Y/n), is, or is not, this Bucky you're going to see, the same James 'Bucky' Buchanan Barnes who fought alongside my brother, many others, and his best friend Steve Rogers, well known as Captain America, who was kidnapped by HYDRA and made the Winter Soldier? You're not going to lie to me, are you?"

His point blank question made my skin crawl. I could feel my hands and feet go cold, but my face turned warm. He knew I wouldn't be able to lie to him. He knew my heart could not bear it, not after everything he and Mrs. Betty had done for me, after growing so fond of them.

"Mr. Roger...I, uhh...Bucky...he isn't the same person as the Winter Soldier..."

"So he is one in the same. You know this for a fact?" His voice was stressed.

".....yes, sir." The concern in his eyes grew, so I added, "I trust Bucky, he wouldn't hurt me."

"You trust him-Bucky-not to hurt you?"

"Yes, sir." I had gotten used to having to repeat myself sometimes in Mr. Roger's presence.

"You trust Bucky. What about the Winter Soldier?"

Apparently, repetition wasn't what was needed. He was making a different point. "...Mr. Roger....it's like I said, Bucky and the Winter Soldier are two separate people."

"You have good reason not to trust the Winter Soldier. The Bucky I used to know is trustworthy...but that was before he went to war and Hydra got a hold of him."

"But Mr. Roger, he doesn't do that anymore, he's just Buc-"

"Let me finish telling you about Jimmy." He paused before continuing. "About eight months after his return and our constant battling and dealing with his symptoms, one night he beat our mother. He was inside of his dream and didn't realize who he was beating in reality. He beat her badly, (y/n), badly enough that she remained hospitalized for a month afterward. Now, if we hadn't already felt like things were bad for Jimmy before that incident, afterward it was 10 times worse. He closed in on himself completely, there was no shimmer of Jimmy's former self. He was a danger to everyone around him, and to himself, and he knew it. One day when we came back from church, we found him. I don't want to be too graphic, but he had killed himself. He left a letter explaining why he had done it. He felt he couldn't control his mind or his actions anymore. He couldn't live with what he had done to our mother. He didn't feel like he could chance something like that happening again. Now, I don't want an actual answer, because to be completely transparent, I'm afraid I already know the answer and I don't like it. Why did Barnes have to leave so quickly to go back to New York? Was it because he was Bucky, or was it because the Winter Soldier made an appearance? Even if you trust Bucky, and for good reason, he has been through a lot, an astronomical amount that neither of us will truly and completely understand. The Winter Soldier is still here," he said pointing at his head, referencing Bucky's mind. "No matter how much he fights against it, it's likely there's always a risk that Bucky will lose control and someone will get hurt, either those around him, or even himself...like Jimmy. It's obvious how much you care about him, and if you stick around him, there's a good chance you'll get hurt at some point, in some way....I don't want to see that happen, (y/n)."

"I understand where you're coming from and what you're saying, Mr. Roger, I really do...I just...he's my friend now...besides Steve, I think I'm just about the only friend he has. Doesn't he deserve that, need that, after all of this time, after all of his suffering? Doesn't he Mr. Roger?" My eyes had widened and tears had begun to form, thinking of the idea of leaving Bucky alone.

Mr. Roger pulled me in for a hug before he responded: "I know I'm not any relation, dear, but I care for you like my own daughter, both Betty and I do, and I don't want to see you get hurt. That's all. I watched my brother change into a stranger and it took a long time for all of my family to get past it. It hurt, badly, and I wouldn't have gotten through it without Betty's support and love. I don't want to see you experience that or similar pain."

I pulled out of the hug and looked at him in the eyes, all seriousness in my body transitioning into my own eyes. "Mr. Roger...I may be completely wrong...it's all still too new to know...but what if what Bucky needs is a Betty? If it is, why shouldn't I be his Betty?"

@damnjackyyy @flibertigibbet23 @smilexcaptainx @jade-cheshire@wolfgamzee@ff-exotic12 @i-had-a-life-once@bunchofandoms@nutmeg2080@sebsugartits@angela-fangirl101@awinterloveuniverse@inkeddreamers @puezzy@haso0osah101 @mrshopkirk @heir-of-light-33@wickeddreamer21@xuaniexuan@myearthguardian@jpthrough@yurikochan @heyreadthis@gabby913@peterjackson143 @fuckoffbroseph@giggles2107 @islandpeeps@klf1999@midnightsinger @dracodormiensnunquamtitillandush@crystalrose1218@civilwarkilledme@the-renaissance @mitra-k-w@justaroundthecorn-er @omgpokelove@welcometothecity@nopevilleluas@ironicallyinspired@riskymorris@taliacorona @mmxiibalpreet @sophiewyszkowski@idiosyncratic-mortals @titaniumurie @isle-of-flightless-birdz@im-screaming-because-of-fanfics @cami25393 @sebbystanlover-vk@queenofthe-bitches @wowthatstasty

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four

Part Five Part Six Part Seven Part Eight

Part Nine Part Ten

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felixdgreen · 6 years

Text

10 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re a Domain Name Junkie

It’s an addiction like any other.

Ten or twenty bucks will scratch that itch, but the high never lasts, and before long you’re craving the next hit.

And the worst part? Nobody understands.

Except just maybe a fellow addict… “Hello. My name is Glen, and I’m a domain name junkie. My last domain purchase was three weeks, four days and seven hours ago.”

That’s how I’d introduce myself to the support group. (You know, the one that doesn’t exist yet.) I’d stand up and tell my story to a circle of fellow addicts, who’d nod their silent support.

My own addiction started with an act of vanity — I acquired the .COM version of my own name. That was 17 years ago, and owning a piece of Internet real estate was novel and exciting.

But that first domain registration, like the first high from an illicit drug, set me on the path to dependency.

The Telltale Signs of a Destructive Domain Habit

Like many addicts, I failed to acknowledge my problem until it was too late.

For years I told myself buying domains was just a harmless hobby. Something to do on evenings and weekends to help unwind after work. But over time my hobby became a powerful obsession.

I’d wake up each morning with a head full of new domain ideas and a burning desire to check their availability. At social occasions, I’d sneak out of the room to browse domain resale sites on my smartphone.

And despite plans to become a savvy domain “flipper,” I was selling almost none of the domains I bought, instead keeping them for personal use.

Eventually, my behavior became more erratic. I would buy any domains I could get my hands on — .ORGs, .COs, even .INFOs.

One Monday morning I hit rock bottom when I found a dozen GoDaddy receipts in my inbox for domains that had no practical purpose. Worse still, I couldn’t even remember buying them.

These days I’m on the road to recovery, and my mission is to help other addicts.

So take a careful look at the list below, and see if you recognize any of these destructive behaviors.

If so, you might just be a domain name junkie.

#1. You Just Can’t Quit GoDaddy

When you’re a domain name junkie, you struggle to think about anything else. You spend every idle moment brainstorming cool domains for your “someday, one day” online projects.

And once an idea has surfaced, you simply must know — is the name already taken? It doesn’t matter where you are, at work, at home, even in bed. You have to know.

When you discover the domain has already been taken (the good ones usually are), you start the search for viable alternatives.

And once you’ve dived down the rabbit hole, you can hardly crawl back out.

#2. You Lie About How Many Domains You Own

When you start collecting domains, it’s fun to log in to your account and delight in the breadth of your online kingdom.

But one day you reach the point where that list of domains is a painful reminder of a habit that’s out of control.

When your partner catches you buying yet another domain and casually asks, “How many is that now?” you pretend you don’t know, or deliberately lowball the true number.

But of course, lying is a telltale sign your casual hobby has turned into a serious problem.

#3. You’ve Started Dabbling in the Newer TLDs

In the beginning (well, 1985), just six top-level domains (TLDs): .COM, .ORG, .NET, .EDU, .GOV and .MIL existed, but that list has since snowballed.

Today we have more than 1,500 TLDs including .COFFEE, .LAWYER and .PORN.

On the one hand, domains are more plentiful than ever, and even if your dream .COM is long gone, you have hundreds of other options for snagging a snappy name.

On the other hand, who knows how much prestige these newer domains will hold over the longer term? Nobody wants to build their blog around the domain equivalent of a pet rock.

Some domain junkies won’t look beyond .COM, but if you’re exploring the murkier end of the market (.CM anyone?), it might be a sign that your hobby’s taking a worrying turn.

#4. You Tell Yourself You’re a “Domain Investor”

When your domain account lists tens (or even hundreds) of seemingly random domain purchases, there are two ways to explain it.

Either it’s the result of years of clueless impulse buying from a click-happy domain junkie with no more strategy than a half-blind pigeon pecking in the dirt.

Or it’s the culmination of a strategic acquisition campaign to build a valuable portfolio of undervalued digital assets for future sale.

Not surprisingly, most domain name “enthusiasts” favor the second version.

But deep down, if you suspect there’s very little method to your madness, it might be time to go cold turkey on domains.

#5. You Read the Thesaurus… for Fun

Not every domain you dream up will be available for registration. The truth is, most won’t.

That’s why a thesaurus is a domain collector’s best friend. In fact, uncovering snappy synonyms for your latest near-miss idea can be a lot of fun.

But if a thesaurus has become your favorite bedtime read (you know, just in case a cool domain idea jumps out) it may be time to seek professional help.

Because — wake up call! — it’s a reference book, not the latest Jack Reacher.

#6. You Secretly Stalk the Person Who Owns YourName.com

I was lucky. I grabbed my personal domain before anyone else could.

But if you have a popular birth name, or you were just too slow to the punch, your best options may already have gone. And that really stings.

Because when your name’s John Brown, telling people your treasured home on the Internet is TheRealJohnWBrown.info is plain embarrassing.

And that’s why you secretly stalk the person who nabbed your name online. You stake out their website, mentally mocking their pathetic efforts while waiting patiently for the right moment to pounce.

Because one day, they’ll forget to renew that domain and then, my friend, victory will be yours.

#7. You’ve Felt the Pain of “Lapsers Remorse”

Sometimes you see a domain for what it is — a dumb impulse purchase you’ll never be able to use or resell.

Maybe you tried to make money by listing it for sale at a couple of domain marketplaces but didn’t get the faintest sniff of interest.

So when it comes up for renewal, you do the sensible thing and let it lapse. You even feel good about your level-headed decision.

Weeks later, you casually check to see if anyone’s re-registered it and find it’s now listed on a “premium domains” site for $3,000!

Of course, just because it’s listed for thousands doesn’t mean it’s worth thousands.

But you can’t escape the feeling you let a valuable domain slip through your fingers.

#8. You’re Considering a Domain-Inspired Career Move

Sometimes you’ll stumble across a domain name that’s so good you simply have to own it… even though it’s totally unrelated to your work or hobbies.

The smart move would be to snag it and sell it for a profit to someone who can make good use of it. But like Gollum and that damned ring, you can’t quite bring yourself to part with it.

So your brain starts to explore a future possible world where you become the person for whom this is the perfect domain.

Sure it means throwing away years of hard-won experience and starting a blog in a new field.

But finding a domain this good must be a signal from the universe, right?

#9. You Lose Interest in Domains Moments After Buying Them

Once the buzz of snagging the name you’ve been lusting after subsides, a faint sense of regret can quickly follow.

“I can’t believe nobody bought this yet,” quickly turns to, “I can’t believe I just bought that.”

And the longer you hold onto a domain, the more money you rack up in wasted renewal fees.

The best way to take your mind off this painful predicament? Start scouting for your next domain name.

#10. You Have a Conspiracy Theory about Domain Registrars

Maybe this happened to you…

One day you check a new domain and find it available for the regular price. The next day it’s suddenly a “premium” domain, commanding several thousand dollars.

And you can’t help but wonder:

Did my search alert the registrar to the juicy potential of this previously unrecognized name?

You wouldn’t be alone in your suspicions. Type “do domain registrars” into Google and “steal domains?” is the top auto-complete suggestion.

Are registrars capable of dirty tricks like this? Maybe. It’s difficult to be sure.

But paranoid thoughts like these might be the first sign your harmless hobby is turning into a dangerous addiction.

Learn to Spot the Signs of Addiction Before It’s Too Late

Domain name addiction is real. And it can wreck your life if you don’t catch it in time.

If you suspect you might be addicted, ask yourself the following questions:

Do you visit domain registration sites several times a day?

Do you lie to friends and family about how many domains you own?

Do you often “binge” and buy multiple domains at once?

If so, you’re likely a domain name junkie.

The good news? With the right support, a full recovery is possible.

But you must take that crucial first step. Acknowledge your addiction.

So repeat after me:

“I’m a domain name junkie. And today’s the day I get help.”

About the Author: Glen Long is Smart Blogger’s operations guy and a recovering domain name junkie. He’s holding a “yard sale” of the best blogging, copywriting and content marketing domains that he’s collected over the years — go check it out.

The post 10 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re a Domain Name Junkie appeared first on Smart Blogger.

from IM News And Tips https://smartblogger.com/domain-name-junkie/

0 notes

laurylyonus · 6 years

Text

10 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re a Domain Name Junkie

It’s an addiction like any other.

Ten or twenty bucks will scratch that itch, but the high never lasts, and before long you’re craving the next hit.

And the worst part? Nobody understands.

Except just maybe a fellow addict… “Hello. My name is Glen, and I’m a domain name junkie. My last domain purchase was three weeks, four days and seven hours ago.”

My own addiction started with an act of vanity — I acquired the .COM version of my own name. That was 17 years ago, and owning a piece of Internet real estate was novel and exciting.

But that first domain registration, like the first high from an illicit drug, set me on the path to dependency.

The Telltale Signs of a Destructive Domain Habit

Like many addicts, I failed to acknowledge my problem until it was too late.

For years I told myself buying domains was just a harmless hobby. Something to do on evenings and weekends to help unwind after work. But over time my hobby became a powerful obsession.

And despite plans to become a savvy domain “flipper,” I was selling almost none of the domains I bought, instead keeping them for personal use.

Eventually, my behavior became more erratic. I would buy any domains I could get my hands on — .ORGs, .COs, even .INFOs.

One Monday morning I hit rock bottom when I found a dozen GoDaddy receipts in my inbox for domains that had no practical purpose. Worse still, I couldn’t even remember buying them.

These days I’m on the road to recovery, and my mission is to help other addicts.

So take a careful look at the list below, and see if you recognize any of these destructive behaviors.

If so, you might just be a domain name junkie.

#1. You Just Can’t Quit GoDaddy

When you’re a domain name junkie, you struggle to think about anything else. You spend every idle moment brainstorming cool domains for your “someday, one day” online projects.

And once an idea has surfaced, you simply must know — is the name already taken? It doesn’t matter where you are, at work, at home, even in bed. You have to know.

When you discover the domain has already been taken (the good ones usually are), you start the search for viable alternatives.

And once you’ve dived down the rabbit hole, you can hardly crawl back out.

#2. You Lie About How Many Domains You Own

When you start collecting domains, it’s fun to log in to your account and delight in the breadth of your online kingdom.

But one day you reach the point where that list of domains is a painful reminder of a habit that’s out of control.

When your partner catches you buying yet another domain and casually asks, “How many is that now?” you pretend you don’t know, or deliberately lowball the true number.

But of course, lying is a telltale sign your casual hobby has turned into a serious problem.

#3. You’ve Started Dabbling in the Newer TLDs

In the beginning (well, 1985), just six top-level domains (TLDs): .COM, .ORG, .NET, .EDU, .GOV and .MIL existed, but that list has since snowballed.

Today we have more than 1,500 TLDs including .COFFEE, .LAWYER and .PORN.

On the one hand, domains are more plentiful than ever, and even if your dream .COM is long gone, you have hundreds of other options for snagging a snappy name.

On the other hand, who knows how much prestige these newer domains will hold over the longer term? Nobody wants to build their blog around the domain equivalent of a pet rock.

Some domain junkies won’t look beyond .COM, but if you’re exploring the murkier end of the market (.CM anyone?), it might be a sign that your hobby’s taking a worrying turn.

#4. You Tell Yourself You’re a “Domain Investor”

When your domain account lists tens (or even hundreds) of seemingly random domain purchases, there are two ways to explain it.

Either it’s the result of years of clueless impulse buying from a click-happy domain junkie with no more strategy than a half-blind pigeon pecking in the dirt.

Or it’s the culmination of a strategic acquisition campaign to build a valuable portfolio of undervalued digital assets for future sale.

Not surprisingly, most domain name “enthusiasts” favor the second version.

But deep down, if you suspect there’s very little method to your madness, it might be time to go cold turkey on domains.

#5. You Read the Thesaurus… for Fun

Not every domain you dream up will be available for registration. The truth is, most won’t.

That’s why a thesaurus is a domain collector’s best friend. In fact, uncovering snappy synonyms for your latest near-miss idea can be a lot of fun.

But if a thesaurus has become your favorite bedtime read (you know, just in case a cool domain idea jumps out) it may be time to seek professional help.

Because — wake up call! — it’s a reference book, not the latest Jack Reacher.

#6. You Secretly Stalk the Person Who Owns YourName.com

I was lucky. I grabbed my personal domain before anyone else could.

But if you have a popular birth name, or you were just too slow to the punch, your best options may already have gone. And that really stings.

Because when your name’s John Brown, telling people your treasured home on the Internet is TheRealJohnWBrown.info is plain embarrassing.

Because one day, they’ll forget to renew that domain and then, my friend, victory will be yours.

#7. You’ve Felt the Pain of “Lapsers Remorse”

Sometimes you see a domain for what it is — a dumb impulse purchase you’ll never be able to use or resell.

Maybe you tried to make money by listing it for sale at a couple of domain marketplaces but didn’t get the faintest sniff of interest.

So when it comes up for renewal, you do the sensible thing and let it lapse. You even feel good about your level-headed decision.

Weeks later, you casually check to see if anyone’s re-registered it and find it’s now listed on a “premium domains” site for $3,000!

Of course, just because it’s listed for thousands doesn’t mean it’s worth thousands.

But you can’t escape the feeling you let a valuable domain slip through your fingers.

#8. You’re Considering a Domain-Inspired Career Move

Sometimes you’ll stumble across a domain name that’s so good you simply have to own it… even though it’s totally unrelated to your work or hobbies.

The smart move would be to snag it and sell it for a profit to someone who can make good use of it. But like Gollum and that damned ring, you can’t quite bring yourself to part with it.

So your brain starts to explore a future possible world where you become the person for whom this is the perfect domain.

Sure it means throwing away years of hard-won experience and starting a blog in a new field.

But finding a domain this good must be a signal from the universe, right?

#9. You Lose Interest in Domains Moments After Buying Them

Once the buzz of snagging the name you’ve been lusting after subsides, a faint sense of regret can quickly follow.

“I can’t believe nobody bought this yet,” quickly turns to, “I can’t believe I just bought that.”

And the longer you hold onto a domain, the more money you rack up in wasted renewal fees.

The best way to take your mind off this painful predicament? Start scouting for your next domain name.

#10. You Have a Conspiracy Theory about Domain Registrars

Maybe this happened to you…

One day you check a new domain and find it available for the regular price. The next day it’s suddenly a “premium” domain, commanding several thousand dollars.

And you can’t help but wonder:

Did my search alert the registrar to the juicy potential of this previously unrecognized name?

You wouldn’t be alone in your suspicions. Type “do domain registrars” into Google and “steal domains?” is the top auto-complete suggestion.

Are registrars capable of dirty tricks like this? Maybe. It’s difficult to be sure.

But paranoid thoughts like these might be the first sign your harmless hobby is turning into a dangerous addiction.

Learn to Spot the Signs of Addiction Before It’s Too Late

Domain name addiction is real. And it can wreck your life if you don’t catch it in time.

If you suspect you might be addicted, ask yourself the following questions:

Do you visit domain registration sites several times a day?

Do you lie to friends and family about how many domains you own?

Do you often “binge” and buy multiple domains at once?

If so, you’re likely a domain name junkie.

The good news? With the right support, a full recovery is possible.

But you must take that crucial first step. Acknowledge your addiction.

So repeat after me:

“I’m a domain name junkie. And today’s the day I get help.”

The post 10 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re a Domain Name Junkie appeared first on Smart Blogger.

from SEO and SM Tips https://smartblogger.com/domain-name-junkie/

0 notes

simonegaleanaus · 6 years

Text

10 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re a Domain Name Junkie

It’s an addiction like any other.

Ten or twenty bucks will scratch that itch, but the high never lasts, and before long you’re craving the next hit.

And the worst part? Nobody understands.

Except just maybe a fellow addict… “Hello. My name is Glen, and I’m a domain name junkie. My last domain purchase was three weeks, four days and seven hours ago.”

My own addiction started with an act of vanity — I acquired the .COM version of my own name. That was 17 years ago, and owning a piece of Internet real estate was novel and exciting.

But that first domain registration, like the first high from an illicit drug, set me on the path to dependency.

The Telltale Signs of a Destructive Domain Habit

Like many addicts, I failed to acknowledge my problem until it was too late.

For years I told myself buying domains was just a harmless hobby. Something to do on evenings and weekends to help unwind after work. But over time my hobby became a powerful obsession.

And despite plans to become a savvy domain “flipper,” I was selling almost none of the domains I bought, instead keeping them for personal use.

Eventually, my behavior became more erratic. I would buy any domains I could get my hands on — .ORGs, .COs, even .INFOs.

One Monday morning I hit rock bottom when I found a dozen GoDaddy receipts in my inbox for domains that had no practical purpose. Worse still, I couldn’t even remember buying them.

These days I’m on the road to recovery, and my mission is to help other addicts.

So take a careful look at the list below, and see if you recognize any of these destructive behaviors.

If so, you might just be a domain name junkie.

#1. You Just Can’t Quit GoDaddy

When you’re a domain name junkie, you struggle to think about anything else. You spend every idle moment brainstorming cool domains for your “someday, one day” online projects.

And once an idea has surfaced, you simply must know — is the name already taken? It doesn’t matter where you are, at work, at home, even in bed. You have to know.

When you discover the domain has already been taken (the good ones usually are), you start the search for viable alternatives.

And once you’ve dived down the rabbit hole, you can hardly crawl back out.

#2. You Lie About How Many Domains You Own

When you start collecting domains, it’s fun to log in to your account and delight in the breadth of your online kingdom.

But one day you reach the point where that list of domains is a painful reminder of a habit that’s out of control.

When your partner catches you buying yet another domain and casually asks, “How many is that now?” you pretend you don’t know, or deliberately lowball the true number.

But of course, lying is a telltale sign your casual hobby has turned into a serious problem.

#3. You’ve Started Dabbling in the Newer TLDs

In the beginning (well, 1985), just six top-level domains (TLDs): .COM, .ORG, .NET, .EDU, .GOV and .MIL existed, but that list has since snowballed.

Today we have more than 1,500 TLDs including .COFFEE, .LAWYER and .PORN.

On the one hand, domains are more plentiful than ever, and even if your dream .COM is long gone, you have hundreds of other options for snagging a snappy name.

On the other hand, who knows how much prestige these newer domains will hold over the longer term? Nobody wants to build their blog around the domain equivalent of a pet rock.

Some domain junkies won’t look beyond .COM, but if you’re exploring the murkier end of the market (.CM anyone?), it might be a sign that your hobby’s taking a worrying turn.

#4. You Tell Yourself You’re a “Domain Investor”

When your domain account lists tens (or even hundreds) of seemingly random domain purchases, there are two ways to explain it.

Either it’s the result of years of clueless impulse buying from a click-happy domain junkie with no more strategy than a half-blind pigeon pecking in the dirt.

Or it’s the culmination of a strategic acquisition campaign to build a valuable portfolio of undervalued digital assets for future sale.

Not surprisingly, most domain name “enthusiasts” favor the second version.

But deep down, if you suspect there’s very little method to your madness, it might be time to go cold turkey on domains.

#5. You Read the Thesaurus… for Fun

Not every domain you dream up will be available for registration. The truth is, most won’t.

That’s why a thesaurus is a domain collector’s best friend. In fact, uncovering snappy synonyms for your latest near-miss idea can be a lot of fun.

But if a thesaurus has become your favorite bedtime read (you know, just in case a cool domain idea jumps out) it may be time to seek professional help.

Because — wake up call! — it’s a reference book, not the latest Jack Reacher.

#6. You Secretly Stalk the Person Who Owns YourName.com

I was lucky. I grabbed my personal domain before anyone else could.

But if you have a popular birth name, or you were just too slow to the punch, your best options may already have gone. And that really stings.

Because when your name’s John Brown, telling people your treasured home on the Internet is TheRealJohnWBrown.info is plain embarrassing.

Because one day, they’ll forget to renew that domain and then, my friend, victory will be yours.

#7. You’ve Felt the Pain of “Lapsers Remorse”

Sometimes you see a domain for what it is — a dumb impulse purchase you’ll never be able to use or resell.

Maybe you tried to make money by listing it for sale at a couple of domain marketplaces but didn’t get the faintest sniff of interest.

So when it comes up for renewal, you do the sensible thing and let it lapse. You even feel good about your level-headed decision.

Weeks later, you casually check to see if anyone’s re-registered it and find it’s now listed on a “premium domains” site for $3,000!

Of course, just because it’s listed for thousands doesn’t mean it’s worth thousands.

But you can’t escape the feeling you let a valuable domain slip through your fingers.

#8. You’re Considering a Domain-Inspired Career Move

Sometimes you’ll stumble across a domain name that’s so good you simply have to own it… even though it’s totally unrelated to your work or hobbies.

The smart move would be to snag it and sell it for a profit to someone who can make good use of it. But like Gollum and that damned ring, you can’t quite bring yourself to part with it.

So your brain starts to explore a future possible world where you become the person for whom this is the perfect domain.

Sure it means throwing away years of hard-won experience and starting a blog in a new field.

But finding a domain this good must be a signal from the universe, right?

#9. You Lose Interest in Domains Moments After Buying Them

Once the buzz of snagging the name you’ve been lusting after subsides, a faint sense of regret can quickly follow.

“I can’t believe nobody bought this yet,” quickly turns to, “I can’t believe I just bought that.”

And the longer you hold onto a domain, the more money you rack up in wasted renewal fees.

The best way to take your mind off this painful predicament? Start scouting for your next domain name.

#10. You Have a Conspiracy Theory about Domain Registrars

Maybe this happened to you…

One day you check a new domain and find it available for the regular price. The next day it’s suddenly a “premium” domain, commanding several thousand dollars.

And you can’t help but wonder:

Did my search alert the registrar to the juicy potential of this previously unrecognized name?

You wouldn’t be alone in your suspicions. Type “do domain registrars” into Google and “steal domains?” is the top auto-complete suggestion.

Are registrars capable of dirty tricks like this? Maybe. It’s difficult to be sure.

But paranoid thoughts like these might be the first sign your harmless hobby is turning into a dangerous addiction.

Learn to Spot the Signs of Addiction Before It’s Too Late

Domain name addiction is real. And it can wreck your life if you don’t catch it in time.

If you suspect you might be addicted, ask yourself the following questions:

Do you visit domain registration sites several times a day?

Do you lie to friends and family about how many domains you own?

Do you often “binge” and buy multiple domains at once?

If so, you’re likely a domain name junkie.

The good news? With the right support, a full recovery is possible.

But you must take that crucial first step. Acknowledge your addiction.

So repeat after me:

“I’m a domain name junkie. And today’s the day I get help.”

The post 10 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re a Domain Name Junkie appeared first on Smart Blogger.

from SEO and SM Tips https://smartblogger.com/domain-name-junkie/

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"West Shokan New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 12494

West Shokan New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 12494

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Can anyone give me a quote for car insurance on a 2006 Trailblazer??

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I had High Mark blue cross blue shield with my mom and i got married to my husband and got tricare. Tricare is saying they wont pay anything when i had another Insurance. If my old insurance wont pay does tricare have too? My old insurance is now gone, also""

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I have currently had my permit for 13 months and I am 20 years old. My mother inlaw was telling me I could get something called my fleet affidavids license and I wouldn't have to cover insurance on the car i'm driving as long as I have the same last name that is on the insurance. I honestly can't be expected to pay insurance when i'm just now getting my license and had no transportation what so ever to get a job to make money for insurance. Does anybody know anything about fleet affidavids license or have any information that might help me out? I can't afford insurance.

Insurance for buying a car?

I want to buy a used car. I was advised to get insurance before I test drive any cars. I went to a couple of insurance websites and they ask me to enter my vehicle info. How do I enter vehicle info if I don't own a vehicle yet?

West Shokan New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 12494

How much is car insurance?

we are moving to newmarket, ontario. we are wanting to get rough ideas about the cost of car insurance. i hear it is quite expensive but was wondering if someone could illustrate in some way or give an example of how it is worked out. also could someone reccommend a trustful dealer?""

How much would I pay for car insurance on average?

I am 17, about to turn 18 and I am about to get my license. I am going to get a used car around a 1995 car. Around how much would I pay for insurance?""

Will my insurance price change?

I've been on my parents insurance account for over a year with no accidents on my record and I pay 200 a month, so if I have my own account from my parents will there be any price changes of either raise or lower? I'm so confused""

Which Insurance?

If someone borrows my car but they have their own insurance and get in an accident is their insurance company responsible

""I am 30, and took out a life insurance policy on myself...?""

Since its over 100,000...They have to take blood and urine...why?""

Can I still be on my parents car insurance policy if they are in a different state?

I live in California while my family lives in Utah. I have been on my family policy and about a year ago I registered my car here in CA. CA requires insurance (which I have, but in UT). My family is still paying for my insurance but the license plate listed is my old Utah plate but I am unsure if that counts now that I have CA plates. Does anybody know details behind this?""

How come Americans can't afford medical insurance?

Yet we seem to have PLENTY of money to blow on Ipods, Itunes, Iphones, lap top computers, DVD players, flat screen TVs, designer clothing, fast food, porn, alcohol, cigarettes, and concert tickets?""

Waht is the best motorcycle insurance provider for ontario?

i have a 1000cc irohead sportster 1984 and i live in ontario. i was wondering what the best insurance provider would be thanks!

What is the average cost of hormone replacement therapy with and without insurance?

I've fianally decided to begin my transition (male-to-female) and i wanted to know what it would cost to begin HRT. I ask for both with and without insurance because i have a college based insurance plan (SHIP) and i am not sure if it will cover HRT (it covers gender identity counseling so IDK) Thank you all in advance ~<3 P.S. i live in Moscow, Idaho.""

Can a car insurance company ask you if you have health insurance when you make a claim?

I was in an accident recently and the other insurance company asked me if I had health insurance. I was not at fault. Can they do that?

Purchasing insurance to cover maternity leave in California?

Is there any sort of insurance you can buy in California so you can get approximately your regular wages during your unpaid maternity leave? I've heard that state disability doesn't pay too much. And how long can you take off? Some women say they've gotten 3 months off but I don't know what I need to do to get that, and still have approximately my regular income coming in. I'm not pregnant yet, so I could buy something without having a pre-existing condition. Thanks!""

Instant Whole Life Insurance Quote Question:?

What are some cool instant whole life insurance quote sites you have to share? I've looked around a bit but I figured I'd ask here. Any link you can share will be appreciated.

What are my rights? re: car insurance?

I'm a bit short of money at the moment, so on the 31st January i phoned my car insurance company and asked them to suspend my insurance. They told me the direct debit request for February had been sent on the 29th January, which they couldn't stop, and would be taken from my bank account on the 1st February and i would later bee refunded that amount. Today i received a letter in the post telling me they would hold the payment and use it when i continue the policy or use it towards a cancellation fee if I don't unsuspend the policy. The policy ends in June! The reason i cancelled is because im on benefits and just don't have the money to afford this right now. Anything i can do?""

Where can i get a health insurance quote?

are there any sites for oklahoma health and life insurance quotes?

Minnesota car insurance rates increas with a speeding ticket?

Can car insurance rates increase after a speeding violation as a Minnesota resident if the violation takes place in Florida in a Florida registered vehicle?

What is car insurance for?

do i need insurance for a car that is parked or is it just to drive the car

About how much will my insurance be?

My son is going to be 16 and I was wondering how much my insurance will go up to if I get him a used Chevy silverado from within the last five years.

How do I help families not see life insurance?

How do I help families not see life insurance as a bill but rather protection for their family? I am on a crusade to help families become properly protected (create an immediate estate) in case of a loved ones untimely death. Of lately, prospects see life insurance as another bill. Although it is; can any life insurance agent please share with me how they get around to making sales in the life insurance industry? Thank you.""

On homeowners insurance .. What is the difference between Replacement cost and Acutal cash Value? what pays mo

What pays more and what is the least expensive?? please some one explain to me in detail.. Does my home need to be insured with the market value???

""Haven't been paying my car insurance, help?""

PLEASE READ THE WHOLE THING Okay so long story short, my bank messed up and my car insurance didn't get paid for.. This was about 3 or 4 months ago. And then it just stopped withdrawing money from my account each month, and I figured I would just take my chances and go without insurance. I didn't cancel it or anything. I had State Farm, and I figured because I was getting a new car anyway I wouldn't bother, but getting a new car took a lot longer than than I thought and I just ended up getting one yesterday. So I got a 2000 Buick Park Avenue, it has airbags, all that. It should have a decently low insurance rate. I have gotten 1 speeding ticket, but no accidents. When I called for a quote though, through a different car insurance company, they told me it would be $230 a month. Why is it so high? Is it because I stopped paying for my State Farm Insurance?""

How much does jay Leno pay monthly in auto insurance?

Since he has a ton of sports cars

Is a moped or motorcycle better for a college student?

I am currently a junior in college and contemplating whether to get a moped or motorcycle. I know a few pros to both. They both have high fuel economy and don't emit dangerous gases like cars do. They don't cost most insurance wise. The cons is that a moped can't go on interstates and a motorcycle is pricier and mechanics for motorcycles are pricey as well. Luckily, I can get to school and work with and without the interstate if I wanted to. Thing is that I don't want to spend over a thousand dollars on a motorcycle and deal with the maintenance. So which is better price wise? Is a moped or motorcycle more beneficial?""

""Cheapest car for insurance, and also cheapest insurance company in uk?""

hi, I have just passed my driving test, so I am looking to buy a car. As I am a new driver, I would like to get some tips and help about choosing a car that is cheap to insure and also a cheap insurance company. to give u an idea I have around 2000 to 2500 pounds to spare for a car and insurance. do u think it would be possible with my budget Please help.... thanks.""

Where can I find out about my health insurance?

My school said that if I drop courses making me a part time student, it could affect my health insurance. How do I find out about my health insurance?""

Does Your Insurance Rate Go Up in a Hit & Run?

So the other day, I walked back to the parking lot after work to my car and noticed a huge dent across my passenger side/side mirror broken off. Front quarter panel and door are gone as well. No note was left. What do I do? If i go through insurance, is my rate going to go up? Whats the best way to handle this??""

West Shokan New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 12494

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/where-can-i-get-cheap-car-insurance-im-first-time-uk-pennington/"

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kissxng · 7 years

Text

11/13/17 about me

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? al i think? 2. Are you outgoing or shy? i’m somewhat outgoing but certain situations with lots of people that i don’t know make me feel shy and anxious 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my sister and parents for thanksgiving, but also molly and my buffalo girls this week! 4. Are you easy to get along with? sort of... haha 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? maybe if i were with them, they’re a good person so i’d hope so 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? tall white boys with long hair that like angry music and rough sex, but also snuggling and telling me i’m pretty. commitment issues are a bonus. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? no, but i wish i could be 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? uh jordan and drew 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not at all 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my roommate alesha 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “here’s a pic for proof” showing my parents my midterm grades lol 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Daylily-Movements, The Grey-Movements, Crash-You Me at Six, Pull Up n Wreck-Big Sean, and Ric Flair Drip-Offset & Metro boomin

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Only sometimes

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes 15. What good thing happened this summer? I did a lot of really cool things with my friends, went to NYC with my best friend Kate, went to warped tour on Long Island, hiked with my family, and smoked a lot of weed with Alyssa and Tori <3 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yeah haha 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? It’s possible 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? No omg 19. Do you like bubble baths? Yes 20. Do you like your neighbors? No the bitches that live in the suite next to me are always loud as fuck 21. What are you bad habits? Being LAZY, piling lots of clothes on my desk chair instead of putting them away, not making my bed 22. Where would you like to travel? Amsterdam, Colorado, California, the Grand Canyon and Yosemite National Park, Lake Tahoe 23. Do you have trust issues? Yes it’s very difficult for me to trust people 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Going to BED 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My thighs and my stomach 26. What do you do when you wake up? Check my phone and pee 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? In the summer I wish I could tan easier 28. Who are you most comfortable around? my sister 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? no 30. Do you ever want to get married? someday 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? yes 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Liam Payne and Zayn Malik LOL 33. Spell your name with your chin. - 34. Do you play sports? What sports? I ski and I used to dance 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yes 37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing because i am Awkard 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? someone that can enjoy really sweet and simple things in life, but also likes to take risks and do things that push their comfort zone. Someone that is full of love and can love me as intensely as i want to love them. Someone with a creative soul and a logical mind lol. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? I really like Zara and Urban Outfitters 40. What do you want to do after high school? I’m in college and plan to go to graduate school after 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? That i’m either very mad or uncomfortable or in a bad/upset mood 43. Do you smile at strangers? no 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? outer space, the bottom of the ocean sounds fucking terrifying 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? my alarm 46. What are you paranoid about? never finding love 47. Have you ever been high? yes LOL 48. Have you ever been drunk? uh yes 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not that i can think of 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? medium blue 51. Ever wished you were someone else? yes 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was 20lbs thinner 53. Favourite makeup brand? kat von d b/c her liquid lipsticks 54. Favourite store? urban outfitters 55. Favourite blog? mine 56. Favourite colour? black and purple 57. Favourite food? as of lately i’ve been a slut for a good burrito 58. Last thing you ate? mint chocolate cookies 59. First thing you ate this morning? water and a mint lol 60. Ever won a competition? For what? not that i can recall 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? nope 62. Been arrested? For what? not yet lol, i hope never 63. Ever been in love? no, but i did briefly feel like i was falling in love with someone 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? we got drunk in his dorm room off of cheap shit beer and were holding hands listening to the front bottoms and watching one of their music videos and we just started kissing. it was really nice. 65. Are you hungry right now? no 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t have tumblr “friends” 67. Facebook or Twitter? twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr? twitter 69. Are you watching tv right now? no 70. Names of your bestfriends? Ashley, Vicki, Kate, Alyssa, Tori, Alexis, Alesha, Alex 71. Craving something? What? love 72. What colour are your towels? the towel i’m currently using is pink 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3 and a pillow pet 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? over 50 75. Favourite animal? french bulldogs 76. What colour is your underwear? green with limes on it 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? cherry garcia, ben and jerry’s 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? white 80. What colour pants? none 81. Favourite tv show? shameless or greys anatomy 82. Favourite movie? don’t have one 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls 1 OG 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? mean girls 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? regina 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? dory 87. First person you talked to today? someone in my first class 88. Last person you talked to today? alesha 89. Name a person you hate? garrett 90. Name a person you love? ashley 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? ellery 92. In a fight with someone? no 93. How many sweatpants do you have? like 5 pairs 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? prob like 20 or 30 lol 95. Last movie you watched? can’t recall 96. Favourite actress? don’t have one 97. Favourite actor? idk someone hot 98. Do you tan a lot? no 99. Have any pets? no i wish 100. How are you feeling? annoyed 101. Do you type fast? yes 102. Do you regret anything from your past? yes, i do stupid shit 103. Can you spell well? yes i love spelling lol 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yeah fuck 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes! 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? no 107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes when i was little 108. What should you be doing? my OB paper 109. Is something irritating you right now? my throat hurts 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yes.. 111. Do you have trust issues? yes you already asked me this 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? honestly can’t remember but i think alexis 113. What was your childhood nickname? loooorrnnn 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes... 115. Do you play the Wii? yes i fuck w mario kart 116. Are you listening to music right now? yes, ghostface killers by 21 savage 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? no i don’t eat chicken but i used to like it 118. Do you like Chinese food? YES 119. Favourite book? the clique series was pretty dope 120. Are you afraid of the dark? yes.... 121. Are you mean? yeah lol 122. Is cheating ever okay? no 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? for a certain period of time 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? kinda 125. Do you believe in true love? yes 126. Are you currently bored? no 127. What makes you happy? feeling loved and being high 128. Would you change your name? probably not 129. What your zodiac sign? cancer 130. Do you like subway? yes it’s delish 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i don’t really have a best guy friend but if i did idk what i would do 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? alesha you already asked this 133. Favourite lyrics right now? “you are the rustling of leaves and you are that honey suckle breeze” -movements 134. Can you count to one million? if i really wanted to i could 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? idk when i was like 15 i had cut myself (purposely) on my stomach and my mom saw and i tried to play it off by saying i fell in a bush at my friend lisa’s house but in hindsight i know she didn’t buy that lmao 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed always 137. How tall are you? 5′9″ 138. Curly or Straight hair? straight 139. Brunette or Blonde? blonde 140. Summer or Winter? summer 141. Night or Day? night 142. Favourite month? either october or december 143. Are you a vegetarian? yes! i have been for 3.5 years 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark chocolate 145. Tea or Coffee? iced coffee or mint tea 146. Was today a good day? it was okay 147. Mars or Snickers? snickers 148. What’s your favourite quote? HE NEED SOME MILK -vine 149. Do you believe in ghosts? yes, spooky 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? nah im lazy

#about

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burntflorets · 7 years

Text

22 april 2017

1:03am its funny how I tell others don’t smoke or drink too much when I myself have gone through more than 15 boxes of cigarettes and 20 bottles. idk I’ve lost count of everything now. maybe I’ve smoked more and drank more, but as far as I know there are 15 boxes and 20 bottles lying around on my bedroom floor.

pathetic isn’t it. mm I know. tell me more.

my anxiety was at its highest yesterday. my migraine was at its worst yesterday. they don’t seem like they are going to leave anytime. I think I’ve eaten more than 8 pills today. I think thats more than what I should be taking in a day. but it doesn’t take the pain away. I still feel like shit. my head’s still spinning. I’m still nauseous. my anxiety is still here.

I’ve run out of cigarettes and alcohol. I’ve run out of money too. I can’t get more. I need more. I need to calm myself down. I can’t. I need a drink I need a smoke.

im exhausted, but I can’t sleep. my stomach hurts. I think I’ve ate too much painkillers. or maybe its bc I can’t eat anything. idk

I’m angry I’m sad I’m disappointed I’m feeling so many things at once. I can’t cope.

I need a smoke I need a drink. but I’ve run out of everything.

one moment you don’t care, the next moment you do, then you go back to not caring again. you’re so hot and cold I honestly don’t even know what to feel anymore. I don’t know how to prepare myself for that day.

I need to mentally prepare myself bc I think I can’t handle anymore blows. one more blow and I think I might just snap.

I feel so on edge all the time. I feel so paranoid all the time. I feel so skittish all the time. I can’t stay calm, I can’t stop overthinking. even the smallest of things trigger my anxiety. stupid things like if my alarm is going to ring tmr morning. stupid things like if I’m going to be able to breathe the next second. stupid things like if I’m going to have nightmares or not. stupid things that I can’t even make sense of. stupid things that shouldn’t be filling up my mind. stupid things that keep me on edge all the time.

I don’t know I can ever fall asleep tonight. I don’t know if I can make it through the night. the night alr feels long. I don’t have my fix of alcohol and cigarettes.

its only 2am, and I feel like I’ve been tossing and turning for the longest time ever. its going to be a long night with my thoughts.

I wished I was drunk. so I wouldn’t have to deal with my thoughts. I wished I was high so I wouldn’t have depressing thoughts. I wish I was fine. I wish I was ok.

I thought I found my forever person. I guess not.

I keep thinking about the fantasy you told me. I keep making up excuses on your behalf for myself as to why you said those things. its pathetic how I keep trying so hard and living in denial. when its clear as day you have no intentions of staying but you’re just saying it to reassure me for the sake of it.

my vision keeps fading to black. its scary. it happened super frequently yesterday. its happening now again.

its like a fainting feeling, but different. idk what’s going on. it scares me. I can’t ask my parents for help. they will probe and I don’t want them to know anything. I can’t handle the questions now. I don’t want to put myself through even more hurt by explaining. they are the last people that ill ever find help in.

I think need help. both mentally and physically. but I’m broke. I have nothing left. maybe its my punishment. idk. maybe I deserved this. maybe I brought all these upon myself bc I didn’t know how to cope.

4:41am I’m increasingly paranoid and restless.

your words keep haunting me.

7:17am It’s like choking on a LifeSaver like a firehouse burning to the ground It’s like you’re allergic to your medication Meant to make you better, but it makes you worse It’s like dying in your own living room Like a home mover following behind a hearse

I keep running circles trying to understand why the dreams I die for are now killing me And I keep running circles trying to figure out why this life is not what I thought it’d be

I wanna go back to the sweet beginnings When I was young and full of innocence I wanna go back to complete surrender of you

but I don’t think I can ever run back to you anymore.

everything has changed. I pushed you too far away this time. you’re gone. I lost u.

9:13am i dreamt about you again. we were so happy and in love. you designed a wolf tattoo that u always wanted for me and you tattooed it onto my side yourself.

it was gorgeous. we were back to normal. the happy playful us. where we rolled around play wrestling and tickling. me lying on top of you preventing you from getting up. we were so happy. but it was alll a dream.

i woke up and cried.

it’s only been two weeks, but it felt way longer than that.

it’s funny how even after the shit you’ve done to me, even after all these, i still love you a lot. and even if i say i don’t anymore, others can see it in me.

if others can say that they still can see that i love you a lot, it means that it’s pretty obvious and it’s really true.

it’s kind of fucked up don’t you think. to think that i still love you as much as i did before. even though every time i get wrecked, i get depressed, i get hurt and all.

i don’t know if i’m fucking stupid or what, have i not woken up??

i know you don’t love me as much, i know you don’t even love me anymore. and now i’m at the losing end, but still i have the same amount of love i had for you since the start. or even more. fuck.

people always say we accept the love we think we deserve. but everyone says i deserve better. maybe i do. but i love you. and maybe i do really deserve better. but it always has been you.

last night i was tearing myself apart. i was mad at the world. i was mad at myself. i hated myself. bc i still love you even after all these. i was mad bc i knew you left, you were long gone, but i still wanted you. i still loved you.

it’s funny how i always try and come up with excuses for myself for your actions like maybe bc you didn’t have a role model when you were growing up that’s why you don’t have direction in life, or that bc of the way you were brought up, that’s why you behave this way, or that the environment that you grew up in wasn’t the best that’s why it shaped you to be the way you are. i desperately keep giving myself excuses, i keep lying to myself, desperately trying to justify my love for you.

i know it’s pointless and futile. but i just can’t stop. and it’s fucked up. it’s very fucked up.

you’re just going to cont living you like the same way as before, and if we were to get back together, it’s going to be the same shit same problems all over again.

i’m tired of it honestly, i want to be with you, but i want this time to be better. this time, i want us to be truly happy, i know fights and quarrels are inevitable, but i just want us to be better, not like how we were in the past few months. but like how we were in the beginning. able to compromise, able to give and take, able to be really happy.

but it’s all just hopes that will never come true anymore. bc you left. i can see it in the way you reply. there’s no more this time left. there’s no more us left.

2:24pm i’ve been thinking about what you said. you said “i love you and I hope somehow somewhere it all gets better, but deep down we both know that can never happen seeing how diff we are. How hard we try also there will be differences, compromising is one thing but whether in the long run it works out is another, that’s why I need this timeout, to think what’s the best path for us”

and honestly, in every relationship the two people are definitely different. bc opposites attract. And it’s the compromise that makes it a relationship. If you truly love that person, you shouldn’t even be counting the level of compromise. compromising itself shouldnt even be a problem. if you truly love someone. it’s just like you know the other person’s wrong, but you compromise and put your ego down, bc you rather lose the fight rather than losing the r/s. it doesn’t mean that you’re at fault. it’s just you treasure the r/s and the person more and would rather lose the fight instead.

compromising doesn’t mean that you have to give in to the person all of the time. it means that both of us need to give up something, not just one of us. compromising in a r/s can also be negotiating and coming to an agreement instead of just sacrificing something. it’s not always that you stop doing something or i can achieve something, but both of of us have to brainstorm ways that both of us can each achieve while also gaining another benefit for us both both.

idk the way how you see things but if you did truly love me, compromising wouldn’t be an issue. there are always ways to work around it, talking it out and coming to a mutual agreement.

but from what i see, you aren’t willing to compromise for me, you wouldn’t want to work around or thinks of new ways about what u want to do for me. much less give anything up.

i don’t even know how to explain things to you anymore. it’s really confusing the way how you think.

and it’s depressing to know that you think it’s the only way and that you don’t want to figure things out or find other ways to work around it for me. you rather give me up bc it’s the easier option.

it’s fucking selfish of you. i don’t even know if you know you’re being selfish. maybe u do. maybe you just want to be a dick. maybe you just didn’t consider my feelings at all from the start.

You knew i was unstable, you knew i have tendencies to do you shit and harm yourself, but it didnt matter to you. you just asked me to promise you. you knew it wasn’t beneficial for me. but you just wanted to stay out of any subsequent trouble and fights and think for yourself.

it’s fucking selfish of you. you always said in a r/s it takes two hands to clap. and i told you that even if you solved a problem on your side, doesn’t mean that on my side it’s solved too. i might have some loose ends that needs tying up. you yourself know that we are two very different people and we both have different methods of solving problems.

yet you didn’t want to compromise and figure out a way for us to salvage our rs TOGETHER. you just wanted a timeout which was just solving it YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN.

you didn’t want to work with me u just took the easier way out. and now you’re doing it again by telling me we aren’t going to work out bc how much we compromise it’s not going to work out. that’s fucking bullshit. that’s you not willing to work with me. that’s you being selfish again.

i don’t get why you don’t want to work with me to help us on this. i don’t get why you always want to do things on your own. i’m your fucking gf. i should be in this tgt with you to solve OUR RS problems. we’re in this tgt. are we not?

you act like you’re the only one in the rs. that’s how you portray yourself. then what’s the point of me being here. what’s the point of you calling me your girlfriend?

i want to help you. you’re not letting me in. you’re not letting me help you save us. you rather give me up than compromise.

it just kills me to see that even till now, that’s how you really are. and that you’re that stubborn and not receptive of others.

even after all these i still really want us to work out. i still see myself with a future with you. i see myself being happy with you. no doubt it’s going to take a lot of effort. but looking at the way how you see things, you just gave up.

the person who never wanted to give up on us before just stopped caring and gave up.

how much i want to try rn will not change anything considering you rather give me up than compromise. bc it’s the easier way out. bc you think that’s the only way

11:38pm i can’t do this alone. i need a drink. i need to smoke.

i've been staring at your pictures, at the photos i've taken of u, at the photos of us. i miss you a lot. i just want to see you.

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