#my life wasnt massively changed like most people

[silverskye13]

Doing my best Etho cosplay today

[malzykins]

GIVES US THE VOID HAND FREAKS LORE!!! (You dont have to if you dont want to)

OH BOY. well with a nice little request like that how can i say no 😇 

HUGE preface that this is very AU-heavy because. like I got no beef with the actual canon but I just want to play around with my favourite characters like little dollies if that is okay. :]

To even get to the freaks though we do have to start at the beginning of this for it all to make even a lick of sense and to me anyway it feels like a lot.. warning not one centimeter of this is without some form of mental degradation and shameless self-indulgence (<- failing to cope with the lasting effects of cringe culture)

absolutely MASSIVE text post belo im dead serious:

Nothing much really differs from the origin of the Operator/Drifter themselves, all the Zariman shit still happens etc. Operator was kind of a bastard child (shes 12 most of them are, but i digress LOL), very much the kinda person to stick their nose in everyone’s business and try to “fix” all their problems if she thought something could be gained from it (sound familiar?), be it a compensation from the people themselves or from her seniors getting basically surface-level information about it all and being like aww what a good kid!! and gassing her up with all this praise. Most other kids definitely knew what she was doing, or at least didnt like her or the vibe she put off, but it didnt really stop her cause that’s not whose opinion she necessarily cared about the most.

When the Zariman incident happened, her ENTIRE support group became her enemy and she was left with nothing. She got her just desserts alright and it broke her, like really broke her, like watching a spoiled brat finally get what’s coming to em and she genuinely did like a total heel-turn in terms of personality temperament etc. She became a lottt more prone to acting childish and favoured emotional outbursts over rational thinking, since she didnt have her people that she looked up to anymore, she didnt have her Glue so to speak. She went from main character syndrome to acting how a 12 year old would probably realistically act in a fr life-or-death scenario overnight

Being a child in a traumatizing situation she latched onto really anything she could get. any distraction. desperately wanting something or someone to trust. so when that damnable doppelganger shows its face, behaving exactly how she used to behave towards other kids (not that she had the self-awareness to deduce that at the time), she instantly ate from the hand that feeds. And there was that :)

Nothing strays from canon between this point and the First Dream. Shes still very much a petulant crybaby and kind of sucks at being a Tenno but thats neither here nor there,, in the Dream, though, is when things start to REALLY deviate.

During the years of war and strife and child-soldier-ism with everyone else, she had a lot of time to think. Shes well aware that all this void power shit wasnt possible before their time on the Zariman, and as far as she was aware she was pretty certain that didnt change the moment they boarded. Over time she fights the memory suppression of her traumas to dig up answers and narrows it right down to that moment she shook hands with herself, something clearly odd and nonsensical, now viewing it with a bit more clarity of mind and basically coming to the epiphany of Oh You Motherfucker. theres no way it was not you. theres no way ALL OF THIS (the existence of the tenno and by extension their eventual drafting into the war, and all of the bullshit that follows that) was not because of you. And when they get told that theyre all going to be put into a cryosleep, because theyre more trouble than theyre worth, really, to just to give everyone around them more peace of mind well. shes quite upset about it. She and other kids definitely try to fight their way out of it (they dont make it far) and rest assured theres no shortness of bawling and sobbing, but deep in there there is anger. She starts to get real pissed off about this whole ordeal and honestly just fucking everything that has lead to it, that piece of her old self that had the capacity for rage and ambition bubbling through the surface.

When she was placed into the First Dream, that quickly manifested well outside of her control. She herself was entirely lacking in conscience, but that essence of herself that existed just beyond her own grasp, that metaphorical spirit that whatever youd want to call it, began to fester in some crevice deep in the Void, not having truly left the place after the events of the Zariman unfolded. It festered and festered and grew until every horrible negative emotion that she Could Not experience in her current state snapped free and went on a violent witch hunt for exactly who the hell made her this way and WHEN she found It, that manifestation didnt relent in the slightest as it quite literally beat the absolute ever-loving dogshit out of the Indifference and (taking some of the various Murmur codex entries very literally) lashed its very flesh apart like a goddamn. kindergarten art project.

Once all of her anger was spent and she realized that didnt actually fix any of her problems, and the bastard was busy reeling for a while because, what in the fuck was all that about, she was left just a lonely, sad empty husk. And because of the Void’s receptivity with negative emotion, it did something with that, taking those lacerated fragments and turning them into something greater, turning them into companions to fill that lonely gap, into the Murmur. they are very No Thoughts creatures and dont understand what existence really is, and like most freshly borned creatures they imprint on the first thing they see (the Indifference) though they know at least the smell of who ultimately made them and are constantly chasing that trail to find the source (hence their appearance in reality in the albrecht labs because we dont really Know in canon what theyre looking for in there exactly (afaik) so I’m justttt rewriting that. for me 😇)

Once they inevitably have their cool reunion or whatever (which takes place a lot sooner than the normal story progression, I just am not sure on where to put a pin) Operator latches onto them just as much as they latch onto her, their Maker, and she ends up neglecting a lot of her responsibilities to just run and play with the little freaks all day ^-^ which really pisses off the Drifter. and makes HER take up the Operator’s mantle, a good chunk of the normal questline being done by her instead.

NOW. for what you ACTUALLY asked for. Im so sorry 😭

THESE three bastards: Prodah, Nahkip, Vedah, in that order. In this little AU thing, Murmur fragments have this little bit of individuality to them in the form of those lighter blue stripes or “veins”, which are more like indentations in their skin that faintly glow with their Void energy. The more a fragment has or the more unique they are, the more respected the individual is in a sort of innate social hierarchy system. If a fragment is born with no veins whatsoever, if they are unmarred and “perfect” so to speak, they are essentially bullied and outcasted to some unloved corner of the Great Indifference to wallow alone, and for a faction all about unity and working together that isnt very nice. :)

Vedah and Nahkip are the two I probably have the least juice for. Not that I dont like them (far from it) I just have yet to reeeeally get to them ;; I at LEAST have personalities and such down

Vedah is like a curious naive little dog. It’s very erratic and jumpy and is more often a follower than a leader. It loves games but gets bored easily, and loves trying to make friends. It definitely makes the most racket out of the three, big chatterbox this one (I love the sounds the fragments make... they are such screechy little creatures it's soooo cute)

Nahkip is probably the most “normal” out of them. It doesn’t vocalize often and carries itself in a bit of a high regard (not necessarily in a conceited way, moreso it is aware that it is of a somewhat higher caliber than most and incidentally behaves as such). It’ll politely listen to others and offer input when it’s spoken to, but once all is said and done, it returns to pretending you don’t exist, going about its own business.

Prodah, the last fellow, is (was?) one of those unfortunate veinless souls. It often found itself a victim of many fights, and it quickly learned that trying to defend itself only made matters substantially worse. In one particularly nasty scenario, its ring and pinky finger were completely snapped off by an attacker and ground to dust. It tried to fight its way out of exile often, but eventually succumbed to the hand it’d been dealt, fleeing to some unaccompanied outcropping overlooking the Void.

Vedah found it, eventually, having sniffed it out and tracked it from where it hid buried in the sand for god knows. Prodah of course, very angry and scared and traumatized all at once, didnt take too kindly to the ordeal, but Vedah’s “people skills” and a rare instance of patience helped bring the guy just enough out of its shell to at least stop regressing into fight-or-flight everytime it (Vedah) moved :] Still VERY skittery and non-trusting. just a bit more… tolerable.

Vedah and Nahkip are friends. or. at least Vedah sees it that way. Nahkip tolerates it but could really give or take. Vedah always wants to show around its new friends to its current friends, and Prodah is not an exception even if it really should be (hence the naivety; you can’t “look guys it’s cool dont be mean okay :D” your way out of everything girl)

LUCKILY Nahkip seems to not gaf. At least not in a bad way. No it actually definitely gaf because it’s been ages since it’s last seen a veinless fragment still kicking around (esp since there is essentially no reproduction of these creatures, whatever exists is all that will ever be (unless MITW feels like getting flayed again. for some reason) so once you’re killed or whatever it’s gg) and is very surprised that one is still alive, figured over time it should have just gone feral and torn itself apart from insanity or decomposed on its own, but it didn’t. and Nahkip is a bit of a studious fellow. so it is very interested in this creature.

There isn’t too much coherent lore after this.. lots of bits and bobs and meat and potatoes but not the most fleshed-out explanation for it all? At some point the three become close enough with one another (maybe more spiritually than anything, cause it likely isn’t so apparent from an outside perspective) that they form a Severed Warden like some sort of Digimon evolution or whatever 😇 There is some large gap of time where the Operator does not see them, the entire Prodah arc happening under her nose so when she next greets them they are together as the Warden and shes so proud of em ;; she doesnt really understand how it happened/works but she knows Vedah and Nahkip are in there and they do their best to introduce Prodah to her. After some coaxing it uncurls itself to meet her and she's absolutely appalled to see a friend in such a sorry state (being a Warden didn’t heal old scars), and figured that wasn’t any way for someone to live. so she removes her gloves and gently holds its hand in her own Void-corrupted ones (that I’m sure most Operators have anyway; shes extremely self-conscious about people seeing them but the Murmur are similar to her, in a way, so with them she relents) to offer that connection and comfort with it. In the same motion, some transfer of power takes place and after a brief moment, Prodah finds itself whole again with two new fingers to replace its lost ones, brimming with the light of Void energy. IN TURN, though, not such is without consequence, the Operator now missing those exact same digits that Prodah initially lacked. She quite literally gave it her own (which is why its lighter-colored fingers in the image do not have the standard issue Murmur claws. also this throws the Indifference for a loop because ??? bastard child I gave you that for YOU. not for you to just give handouts to thralls 😐). This is a complete heel turn for Prodah because while it was initially a perfect, veinless creature and demonized to all hell and back.. to receive marks from the Maker itself??? WILDLY different story. Okay we respect you now. like a lot. like A LOT a lot.

I absolutely had plans to include The Fragmented One in my little repertoire of creatures as well :3c For this I’m going to pull directly from my brief lore document instead of just reiterating what is perfectly fine to copy-paste instead, if no one minds:

“To make an example for the Operator, the Drifter assists Loid in secret in purging the Laboratories of Murmur presence, but ends up slaying the Warden of Vedah, Nahkip, and Prodah in the process. The Operator’s heartrending grief at their passing draws uneasiness from the Indifference itself, and her dormant, volatile energy involuntarily wrenches forth their fragments from the afterlife, as if they had never perished at all (this is unknown to her; her döppelganger is the one to impart this information, yet not knowledge of their whereabouts). She dedicates restless hours to searching for them, neglecting her own health, too nerve-wracked to properly eat or sleep. It is after a week’s passing that the Operator discovers an odd formation within The Great Indifference and, upon touching its surface, the structure breathes in new life, lost fragments rising from beneath the sand to create the One. Upon spotting Vedah, Nahkip, and Prodah atop the bow of the amalgamation, she becomes overjoyed at their revivification, triggering a transference of power between them; the Operator’s Void energy unknowingly begins to bleed over into the One, a deadly power donation creating an impossibly cataclysmic entity with capabilities yet to be measured. In anointment, the Operator honorably dubs the creature Fronrein—’tandem roar’—and it is forever at her beck and call.”

this Fragmented One is no stronger than the one you face normally. I just wanted to squeeze in something for my lore that could possibly explain why that fucker is SO god damn brutal in Steel Path.

Lastly (thank Christ right), something I haven’t yet fully fleshed out is that I want to pull the consciousness of the main fragments into the Operator’s warframes. Likely happened at some point during Fronrein’s birth. it’d be neat for these friends to exist in two places at once :) seems totally feasible to me given how freaky the Void gets. Vedah inhabits her Wisp, Nahkip her Protea, and Prodah her Harrow. None of this is planned, it just sort of Happens. the fourth arm of the One also gets dragged into this (dont have much for it. similar mannerisms to Nahkip I know at least), being placed into the Drifter’s Chroma, and she is NOT happy about it. very peeved actually. She hates these fucking things and to now have them basically be sentient frames walking and (telepathically) talking around the ship MUST be some sort of cruel divine punishment. She mellows out though, after some grueling amount of time, becoming a bit more platonic with her Chroma after slowly letting her own defenses down and just bonding and talking with the guy (now that these Murmurs can actually do that), but still is a bit standoffish with the Operator’s frames.

Operator thinks it’s cool as all hell. She’s brainstorming what all frames she could possibly get next and then try to shove Murmurs into those ones too. MUCH to the Drifter’s chagrin. god help them.

ANYWAY. I dont want to beta read this again I just hope it makes sense. Above all I hope it satisfies your ask ;; this is nearing 3,000 on the word count and actually took multiple days to write LOL /// thank you for giving me the opportunity to spill about these guys :’]

[spearxwind]

yes hello: besties.... how do you make those once again???

As in making friend besties?

Youve gotta be willing to put yourself out there. Pursue opportunities as they come. Would it be more comfy to go home instead of stay and chat with someone? To go home instead of staying an extra hour at a gathering? Yeah. But if you stay and chat you will likely feel better AND you will deepen those relationships as well. If someone mentions a plan you'd like to go on, ask if you can join. If there's things you'd like to do with people, throw up a plan in the air and see if anyone bites.

Hell, if there is anyone you miss from highschool or from college go ahead and ring them up. I bet theyll be delighted to hear from you!

Go for a walk, frequent places, tell random people on the street you like their sick fits or their hairstyle etc. Most people will be delighted to have a positive interaction like that :]

There really isnt a secret to it other than to have a social life you have to... actually be social. I'm still learning that myself, but man if it hasnt made a HUGE difference in my life this past several months. I've just been throwing myself at opportunities that I wouldnt have even considered years ago. Parties with strangers (another friends' group.). Mountain trails. Karaoke nights.

I feel like a lot of people sabotage themselves (myself included) by just being recluse and distant. While I was going through really bad mental stuff during my major I was trying to connect with people there but really couldnt for some reason, and I thought I just wasnt liked. Then years down the line when I spoke to people from my old classes while reconnecting they all basically said the same thing: we thought you didn't want us to be friends because you were distant. THEY were the ones who couldnt connect with ME, not the other way around like I thought.

That alone has massively changed the way I see things and the way I behave. It's just made me more unabashed and unashamed and I AM making real connections this way

You are deeply beloved, you just need to let yourself see it and you need to let yourself act accordingly <3 I believe in you!

[girlswhosmell100000]

ig im screaming into the void atp but after being on twt it really feels like niche little corners on the internet made for various minority groups that used to go unbothered for years are now being found by conservative stonetoss andrew tate types and shaking up the community by causing infighting and other horrible shit. i miss when i wasnt seing ai generated pics of fat black rainbow haired strawmen. i miss when people were a little more sensitive to suicide and the fact that a lot of us are wrongfully taken from this world too soon, either by the hands or the words of people who seek to totally eliminate us and laugh at us the rest of the way. nex benedict should be alive. trans and nonbinary communities both online and in person should be safe. i should be able to enjoy black edits without seeing a massive influx of racists reminding me that i am a racial minority hated by many, many people, and that people who do these edits are hypocrites or whatever that deserve to have their black edits whitewashed. i miss when eating disordered people didnt have extremely public and popular communities that just consist of hurting themselves in a cute way or ruining fat peoples lives. i hate that more boys are growing up and making rape jokes and normalizing pedophilia, and more boys are growing up hating women and anything feminine. i hate that there are proud racist crossdressers and proud racist trans communities. i hate "LGB without the T". i hate that an entire country is being controlled by self identified terfs. i miss when the most liked reply to a picture of dead child with their legs blown off wasnt "if only oct 7 didnt happen" and, "was it worth it, hamas?" and "pallywood propaganda". i miss when human life used to be more valued.

i miss being invisible instead of the center of attention. 1st world problems i know. maybe it was because i was extremely naive and held a firm mindset that everything will be ok in the end, that evil would never win as long as there is good. maybe things really were better than they are now. maybe its because im getting older and opening my eyes, or maybe because the algorithm is just making me painfully aware of every horrible belief ever. maybe nothings changed. i dont know. its ok if you think im privileged for saying these things or that im whining. i understand. i hate life so much right now. im sorry. i miss feeling like i knew the world was gonna get its shit together before id die. i miss being confident in the thought that somebody would swoop in and stop it all. im sorry. this is a very selfish post and im sorry

[its-koili]

hey guys. sorry for being gone for so long. heres an update

(tw for: mention of violence / gore, general distress, mental health issues)

(tw below)

.

basically i had a huge mental health crisis. i was having 24/7 constant rolling panic attacks from may of 2023 to january of this year. my last big meltdown was in early february. been processing a lot of CSA trauma and some recent trauma that ive gone through. i think i talked about my panic attacks before leaving social media but idk i dont remember. isolated myself from absolutely everybody.

the main thing that made me leave was that while i was keeping up to date on the g3n0c1d3 (censoring bc idk how tumblr is about it), and when i was looking in the replies / related of the awareness videos, i came across 4 accounts dedicated to using gore for clicks / shock. not videos of the g3n0c1d3 (thank god bc of how they were using the vids) but of unfortunate every day situations and cam footage. like, the kind of stuff you could see on liveleak back in 2010. just out in the open on twitter. they all had usernames like "(insert number here) ways to die)". they were all content farms for click/ad revenue. it was too much it was a huge trigger and i had a full on meltdown. the bluecheck ppl on twitter were using the replies of the videos people uploaded for raising awareness to upload mindless g0re for money. the fact that peoople have 0 compassion for human life sent me into a spiral that i couldnt get out of. (i reported 3 out of the 4 accounts i was able to and 3 got taken down but 1 is still up and it odesnt seem to be uploading the hardcore g0r3 anymore. so thats good. but that was one of the reasons i left social media. ive been keeping up to date w the news but thats it. i left my socials entirely and ive only been on my phone to look up recipes or to use my computer for media research groceries and gaming and shows

that was the main thing that pushed me to leave. i just couldnt take it anymore. during the start of my crisis last year, i was planning on taking a small break, but all of that pushed me over the edge and i dropped everything. after that, my issues got worse and i dont remember most of it. thankfully. but i couldnt bring myself to talk to anybody. i isolated myself and just. laid in bed. but im doing better so i guess thats good

on another topic ive beeen nervous to post this on main but during all of this (ive talked abt tihs a little bit on my priv before i left) i found out that im a system a long while back. my dad (one of my abusers) had/has DID and it terrified me to think that i could be anything like him. i also knew cereal abuser who pretended to be a system to get away with stuff/abusing their friends (and then years later admitted that they werent a system and siad that systems are fake.) LOTS of tears. lots of crying over this. was in denial for a few weeks. cried some more. then eventually came to terms with it.

i dont want to post abt my system online too much bc i dont want to act like this is some fun trendy thing bc its not. it makes day to day living very hard (some lighter/funnier issues that make it hard are: arguing with an alter bc YOU dont know where THEY put YOUR MEDS, not being able to cook because one alter can and the other cant, your art style not being consistent because their styles are different). i dont want to really make it a massive part of my identity online bc its not a big deal! theres just Multiple Little Guys in my brain. so. im a system! im the same but....this explains why i dont remember talking to certain people SUIDHUFHX. i always felt bad. makes conversing with online friends hard especially if icons/usernames are changed. ill make a separate post about this someday thatll go into detail a bit more.

i went years thinking it was just "kinning" but it wasnt lol. it turns out that your personality completely shifting, tastes in food / music / art / media changing, the way you walk / talk dress changing, and having complete memory blackouts when you """"kin shift"""" isn't normal. /lh (dw ive had a lot of time to come to terms with this)

but basically right now ive been spending time getting to,,know myself?? iive been using simplyplural for myself for several months and im uncovering a lot of my memories / trauma ect bc alters can write down what they need to in the chat. so i can go back later and read it. its been v helpful!

i will not be coming back just yet. i have no interest in using social media rn or drawing or writing unfortunately. ive been working on my original stuff here and there but i havent been drawaing fandom stuff bc im not hyperfixating on a fandom.

also. some things have come up. im not going to say anything until the party in question is stable/safe/comfortable before i even suggest anything for context (i dont plan on talking abt anything at all unless they start talking publicly). right now i am helping someone through abuse. their wellbeing is my #1 concern. i'll think about other things after im sure theyre okay.

i dont really have any resolutions as to how things are going but i do feel better and im not having as many panic attacks. i dont really know where im going with this now sorry. just trying to brush over the basic topics before i go. idk if anybody remembers me bc ive been gone for so long so idk if im just talking into the wind but if i am thats fine honestly this is helping me reorganize my thoughts (i type these vents out a lot on docs so i probably wont remember posting this hiudhvu)

other than that. i dont draw or write anymore. i think in the past 6 months ive drawn like....5 things. its. weird. im completely disconnected from fandoms now. coming up to a full year of not having a hyperfixation at all.

my bday was on the 6th. im 27 now im very old (everybody forgot it asides from my husband (and the people he reminded) n my abuser). ive been trying to cook and bake more and ive been playing video games again. planning on getting back into drawing soon and working on my original stuff. when i come back im planning on redesigning my profiles and updating my social media bios and stuff bc theyre so old. also ill make a section on my carrd for my system. there you go theres some positivity to the update nxfjdfjh. sorry if i dont seem very enthused im very tired so typing has been a chore hfuidshuifv.

sorry that this was a lot or if it seems disjointed i was trying to put down as much into this as possible without making it too long

bye!!! see u all soon!

[sylwanin-was-right]

Review of Avatar (2009) review by Local

My review under the cut:

Pt 1). Intro

- N/A (nothing to say)

Pt. 2 Religion and Plot

- "[...]just dont understand religious ephiphanies [...]" how does having an epiphany about eywa being real make it justafiable to hijack cultural symbolisms and set urself up as the Indigenous leader? Why couldnt Jake accept Eywa or respect Na'vi customs outside of his personal gains (via his avatar body)?

- I think its mischaracterizing to describe Eywa as a god and imply science as too incompataible with spiritualism. Both the Na'vi and the RDA scientists/Grace are right: "Eywa" represents a super organism or metaphysical life force with a massive nueral network that can be literally and spiritually connected to. Eywa is the spiritrual explaination for the natural phenomena of Pandora's evolutionary history of large scale neuro-networks. Grace and Jake having their spiritual epiphanies supplement their scientific or tactile knowledge only after all the destruction they were instrumental to is rlly dubious. Almost feels like poverty tourism or missionary work; why are the Na'vi set up as unfortunate and victimized for the colonizers to have their epiphanies about Eywa's spiritual significance to the Na'vi? What was really keeping the humans from accepting and respecting what the Na'vi already knew about Eywa other than implicit imperial biases ("we know more than you primitives")?

Pt. 3 Ur Metacriticisms are Silly

- it feels like many ppl are simply afraid to have meta conversations about colonialism regarding this movie lol. Avatar is clearly a political film. Its a call to action to a v limited extent but v obviously an allegory. Avatar is a story within itself cuz if its worldbuilding, yes, but metacriticism is inevitable when a white man makes billions from white savior films obscured as celebratory commentary aout Indigenous plight and allyship. The meta is important bc its pretty clear by the writing that its supposed to be, even if the movie is largely a world building, immersive sci-fi spectacle first.

- I rlly dont think argument against white saviorism doesnt hold water at all lol. The dismissal of meta criticisms of what makes avatar a white savior film (including thru its deus ex machinas) is very frustrating. Neytiri saves Jake from Quarirch but Quartich was one agent in the RDA's destruction; Jake was still set up to "save" the Na'vi from the RDA long before that point by being the agent to unite all clans under his particular leadership. The fauna come in as a signal from Eywa to help end the war, yes, but Jake was the only one Eywa used as the catalyst for such scale of influence. Why does "god" herself wait all this time to choose a colonizer of all agents of change (who brought her ppl to their deaths and then makes them legend among them)??? Why not Tsu'tey or Neytiri who were already indigenous, faithfully devoted, and against the RDA? Why did Jake so conveniently get to be chosen AND honored over everyone else? What does it imply about the capabilities and integrity if the Natives if a single colonizer's "ephiphany" was more narratively significant than the Na'vi's original awareness and value of Eywa? These questions to Avatar's many poor narrative implications are what makes avatar a white savior film. It was written that "God" has aency yet coveniently chose the colonizers to be judge jury and executioner on their own terms for personal salvation. Its disgusting!

- JC's writing is basically saying "ur hokey religion wont save u only i can" lol. Bc why else would Eywa choose for a human to be so powerful among her people just to be an instrument to their liberation? JC is implying that human integrity was extremely powerful; that having a change of mind as a human colonizer is what made "god" herself most receptive to aiding her children. But why does the change of mind of one or a few humans matter so much that she makes them leaders and legends? Why wasnt the fervent commitment and bravery of her own children enough to send a tool (in the for of a person and their intel) for them to use themselves? What does being a human driving a body have more in value than being Na'vi for a change of heart to be rewarded so quickly on such a scale than always believingf and asking for help first?

- i think he's being overtly concetious lol. Why does it matter how Avatar is percieved "in a vaccum" in a conversation abt its meta lol? The other commentor is wrong for reducing stories to some mythical "objectve value" in order to defend their position, but op only said he was gonna give him brownie points cuz he wasnt gonna take what they said seriously regardless. So what was the point of such commentary if there was an unwillingness to engage Avatar outside itself? Its frustrating how little he's willing to engage the meta so that he cant say something like "ur right that avatar didnt improve from its original inspirations like Dances with Wolves bc Abatar is only a little less overty white savior-ish, making the film hard to enjoy in and of itself".

- Theyre both basically doing a back n forth about film theory where op is just a devils advocate lol. Its annoying. "Why should a retelling be held to different standards" would be evident if he bothered to consider the meta and Avatar's real world applications.

- Its kinda conflicting how he's saying he hasnt seen any reason to dislike avatar but then says its fine to gague the film's quality by ur own personal metrics (like internal consistency or audience perception). It feels like op just.... doesnt want to engage certain poisitions bc hes made up his mind about what makes a movie and what doesnt, so he doesnt have to engage valid criticisms in and of themselves.

- Ok lemme get this straight (genuinely, cuz im struggling to follow)... op tries writes in a way that doesnt use "framing". Ok...so that means he doesnt want to place value on characters to "play god" bc he admires storytelling that lets a story exist entirely in and of itself. Ok. So he dosnt seem to care for meta criticisms bc he finds plot armor and self awareness in a story to be novel, but ultimately poor foundations for a narrative. Ok. He says using art as an elaborate way to present [an author's] truth to the world doesnt make sense to him. Alright I think this part explicitly reveals his bias and makes everything so far make sense lol. Doesnt make it ok that this is his reasoning for aboiding meta criticisms (instead of just low hanging fruit from random yt commentord lmao) but at least it gives an idyosyncratic reason as for his reluctance that adds more layers to this cracker behavior lol

- A movie isnt a story when it aims to present an underlying truth??? Im not buying this at all lol. Does he rlly not like allegories or parables thid much lol? I rly dont like the christain movie comparison to other allegorical films cuz... it implies that viewing Avatar as a "moral directive" would be indocrination or something? And thered be no artistic value in the movie if it were treated as completely self-referential and vaccuous? Again i think this is just that anti-meta bias showing thru, and also the white reluctance to challenge ur beliefs by analyze the impact of anti-colonial and anti-racist narratives and apply them to ones own thinking.

- Ok sorting his dialouge out again lol: ...he saw a video criticism he thought was valid but refuted it saying he doesnt think a movie's sound track can necessarily or measurably be used for or against a story, and thus Cameron's missed opprotunity to supplement the film's narrative with a new "alien" sound (as opposed to a more conventional western, orcchestral one to highlight the Na'vi's indigenity) wasnt a win or lose for Avatar. I'll sort my thought on that later cuz i feel like Cameron not taking risks like that in his heavily indigenous inspired film was evident of bias and also reflects the nature of consumerism and capitalism (to make a "blockbuster" as recieveable as possible to richer audiences). He doesnt rlly explain why he doesnt think the music choices in a film dont belong in a discussion about writing, which i find strange cuz movie isnt just abt writing anymore, its abt the entire immersive and artistic experience, including the sountrack.

Pt. 4 characters

- "Relevant characters only!!!" Well i genuinely wonder what he thought of AWOW now 💀...

- What he's saying about making characters based on their relevance to the plot's needs (then making their quirks later) is valuable. As of watching this ive kept thid in mind for my own OC making.

- I dont agree w what he said about a romantic relationship having higher highs and lowe lows than friendships. Jake and Neytiri v much could have remained friends and the consequences of their conflicts could have dtill retained their severeity in the narrative because friendship is as powerful as romance and passion. Also it would have been a refreshing take on an indigenous and military relationship that didnt further push a romanticized narratives abt a colonizer courting "the chief's daughter".

- I think he's a bit too plot focused for me lol. He doesnt care that the avatar characters are one dimensional bc their character backgrounds arent relevant to the plot, yet ppl will tell u that a good story has "relevant" characters who feel real because their backstories resonate and inform their descisions and role in the narrative. Jake and other characters felt like tropes personified a lot of times, and the dialouge being very brief (in favor of action sequences) made ppl feel wooden. Sure u need planks for ur house's foundation, but eventually all of them start to look the same when then story's structure is built along. If op cares so much about the in-universe quality of stories, then why doesnt he care about ppl's complaints that Avatar has characters that dont feel real in their own universe? Afterall, Avatar is not based on previous material, the audience is not looking at a snapshot of real history, & the authors had very clear political intentions to necessitate a meta review of the story.

- He's very utilitarian about this plot relevance thing lol. Avatar is supposed to feel as immersive just as its plot is supposed to be coherent and consistent. Its completely new information about the speculative science of a vast planet and alien peoples that hasnt been written before. Having characters or parts of characters depicted as going thru stuff that is tangenital to the plot is immersive and interesting! Ofc u cant spend terribly too much time on it or ur movie will feel incohesive and episodic, but... its still valuable to have characters that supplement a plot in a collateral way rather than a direct way. It makes the world feel bigger than its writing portrays and makes characters feel like theyre part of their world outside the frsme of a narrative rather than tropes superimposed onto a world that only exists as far as the author needs it to be.

- The "exceptional" character jake is in Avatar isnt proportionate to what purpose he seems to serve. He isnt just a rouge jarhead that turns ally, he literally becomes the Na'vi commander, religious legend, and then clan leader for his ephiphanies and delayed allyship.

- I think op is rlly oversimplifying the critique abt the ethics of the Avatar program. Noy even in-uviverse are the ethics of the program questioned, theyre just a given and then a reoccuring theme. The avatars being used as tools is obvious, but also the "just bc we can doesnt mean we should" part of their exidtence is rlly never brought up by any charactor nor any limitations of the avatard themselves. I mean where did the initial Na'vi bio samples for the program come from since avatars are mixture of Na'vi and human DNA? Why does the necessity of the avatar bodies as tools also necessitate that they are permanent sites of escape from human disillusionment and desperation (ex: Jake abandoning his human heslth for hours driving his avatar)? What is the purpose of turning these "tools" into people (clan members, etc) by the end of the film? The ethics of the program go beyond the necessity of tbe RDA and of the plot, and its rather shallow to dismiss criticisms of the program (or even a need for there to be internal criticisms of its operations and existence) just bc theyre "logically" needed for the movie.

So next he talks about why he thinks avatar is good. Looking forward to that since the critcisms were quite bad, imo, and its just nice to hear nice things abt a movie i like from a different perspective. (I'll post those in a different reblog from this since this is long and mostly negative).

[obitv]

hiii other jrwi and genshin fan & i fucking loove jrwi genshin here r my thoughts :)

jay - anemo bow - self explanatory, gets a gun in burst

chip- pyro sword - can use dual swords, just have one be different than other. burst probably shoots a canon or smthn

gillion - electro claymore - burst reliant character that focuses on shielding other characters at cost of health

dakota- pyro catalyst - very hard to get out from the heizou vibe but there r so many types of martial arts so i feel like it can b different enough

vyncent - hydro polearm?? - changes between stances like childe - man i do not know his weapon but polearm seems fun

william - cryo catalyst - similar life suck mechanic to hu tao or xiao

AWESOME AWESOMEAWESOME i was also thinling anemo for jay!! i wasnt sure if i was on the right track there since i dont know much abt the lore implications of anemo but im glad u agree. i think shed be a charged shot fiend like ganyu to match the sureshot title ^_^ has a marking mechanic similar to childe that gives her bonus dmg on her ult (my version of hunters mark) and her ult is similar to dilucs in that it is a massive fucking bird like her zephyr strike. noo clue what her skill would be though

chip gave me sooo much trouble i think.god. riptide spoilers ahead i guess but his skill could turn his single sword to dual blades where one is entirely pyro similar to the blades he gets from rufus? i cant fully remember how they work though. mechanically its either be a set duration like xingqius rainswords or it could be a stance change like childe.burst i have absolutely nothing but i thought also about giving him a skill similar to rosarias that lets him teleport behind opponents since a) kaeya has teleportation bc of his abyss connections, chip has connections to the black sea, kinda similar there i think it would be a neat parallel, b) chip goes behind people fucking CONSTANTLY a large ampunt of his attacks are him attacking from the front then flipping over them to get their back too and c) literally in the mnm oneshot his power was teleportation. though i suppose that could just be in his na string like kaeya and still be cool

gillion electro IS SO COOL... i had him hydro since like its His Thing but i cant remember anythingg about the reasonings for electro visions so i wasnt sure if i could go for it. thank you also for reminding me the word claymore i can never remember it either. i had his skill down as similar to shinobus too (with elements of barbaras so it reduces incoming dmg too) but with a burst more like .. raidens skill? provides a damage buff to the active character along with dealing damage maybe and his healing would scale off attack

dakota i have said enough about but i really do think pyro catalyst maryial artist could be cool if i like. knew enough about heizous kit to make them different enough

vyncent i am at a LOSS for. most of my vision knowledge is about cryo and i know he isnt that. i had him as sword just because its the shortest range and the closest to a dagger?? stance change to archer is a must but i do also wanthim to be able to change to claymore? and even catalyst? but i cant mechanically come up with ANYTHING. maybe he just has unlimited stance changes with like. a 5 sec cooldown between shifts? that deals some dmg every time he shifts just automatically. i would like his ranger/archer form to have an infusion to make them similar to yoimiya because i think that would be cool but such is life. his burst would be different dependimg on what stance hes in when he casts it, sometimes its healimg sometimes its a buff field sometimes its pure dmg, etc

william cryo catalyst FOR REAL. a lifesteal mechanic is so fucking sick i didnt think of that before. i thought about him a lot i def think his wisp form would be his ult. his skill would be some sort of construct (ie ghostshaping) similar to something like albedo or zhomglis that deals damage and debuffs enemies while hes off field and then comes out for his burst. i think a life drain like xiaos would be coolest, he def does a lot of charged atks during his ult so incread atk speed is in there too + resistence to interruption and maybe even a shield?? like yanfeis c4

[lesbianslovebts]

Seeing how HYBE sabotaged FACE, JITB and INDIGO and went all out for SEVEN is so fucking disappointing. But what’s even worse is how Jungkook was bought by both HYBE and Scooter to sell a whole persona and image that was never his authentic self.

i always knew jk wasnt perfect and had an extremely immature side to him. but i always thought one thing : he would never sell out. his whole thing was “rather be dead than cool” he even got it tattooed. either all of that was just bullcrap or he’s genuinely changed completely right in front of our eyes. how can he just sell out completely and ruin bts’s group principles. principles most of them still abide by and pride themselves in. and dont even get me started on the fandom reaction everything is bad until a bts member does it lol

Okay, let me arrange my thoughts.

First, I know very little about how the music industry works, let alone the intricacies of how HYBE does business. I won't deny that the chapter two solo promotions have been vastly different. However, I can't make any assumptions about why the differences exist. I just honestly don't know the level of involvement or decision-making power the members had in their solo stuff. I know Jimin mentioned wanting more than the two music videos he got. I'm sure Hobi wanted physical albums, too. So I know they don't always get what they want, and it doesn't sit well with me that they didn't have consistent promotions. HYBE is a massive corporation and they're gonna prioritize what they think will make more money over what the members may want, and that sucks ass. But I'm not sure if "sabotage" is the right word because HYBE wants their artists to succeed (i.e., generate profit). I don't know, like...that's just Capitalism, baby.

Second, I don't know much about Scooter Braun, either. He's a filthy rich man, so I'm sure he's Awful lol.

Third, I'm genuinely not sure what you mean by "Jungkook sold out." Are you upset that he was given the song instead of composing it himself? That's usually how popstars work lol. Or are you mad that he didn't write the English lyrics? The fact it's in English in the first place? I personally would have preferred a song in Korean, but he can sing in whatever language he chooses. Or do you hate the people who did write/compose the song? Is it Latto? I don't know all these people. 😩 Or is it the content of the lyrics? Considering how you're going on about "principles," I have a feeling you're offended that the lyrics are about Big Bad Sex. I'm sorry, but he's a 25-year-old man who probably fucks on the regular. I would recommend coming to terms with that.

Fourth, how do you know which highly curated public persona of Jungkook is the "authentic" 전정국? It sounds like you might be struggling with a parasocial relationship. As a fan for 8 years, I feel like I "know" the guy to some extent, but I'm aware that I will never know what Jungkook is truly like in real, everyday life.

And lastly, so no one misunderstands my personal opinion of the song, this is what I think: It's alright. Kinda bland. Generic pop isn't really my thing. I would've preferred Korean lyrics and no featured artist. (Nothing against Latto, though - I liked her part.) The lyrics are corny, especially the part where he's literally just singing the days of the week lmao. But I like the horny direction we're heading in fhdhahfj. I'll probably listen to it sometimes. 🤷‍♂️

[weirdmageddon]

five years too late let’s analyze this. the commentary has gotten me back into gravity falls reigniting thoughts and insights i came to years ago

i love everything about this commentary in general it hits the points of humor, genuine analysis of the characters, but most of all im so glad hirsch addressed that the droid not detecting any fear from dipper here doesnt make any scientific sense because that was a massive CinemaSins moment for me

IDK the fact that dipper can fucking stand after an airship crash because theres a bigger threat at hand is literally one of the defining capabilities owed to adrenaline lol...... IM SORRY im a biopsychology student if i dont point that out iwill seethe and die because that was just . its a grudge ive held for a long time about this episode but didnt rant about because it was something so minor and i’m sure nobody would care.

i was 13 when this episode came out and i’m almost 19 now, i had a special interest in biology and i still do but now i’m actually having college classes in biopsychology so i can give my arguments more oomph now. and i have to say, now that i know more about the brain and autonomic nervous system the more this scene bugs me, if that was even possible. and it says a lot of dipper and ford’s relationship.

if dipper clearly wasnt calm before, why would he be now just because he’s put up an outwardly confident facade? before he was in the flight but now hes in the fight. my boy just rode on top of a spaceship by nothing but a magnet gun that could detach at any time if it failed and then the ship crashed, he sustained injuries, is in emotional turmoil because he thinks his uncle is Fucking Dead and the threat of a security droid that detects adrenaline is on his tail and produces a Big Fucking Gun in response to dipper saying “i hAvE a MaGNeT gUn” and hes screaming and has his teeth clenched but sure there’s no adrenaline coursing through his body in that moment i can totally believe that

when dipper asks what happened, ford says “the orb didn’t detect any chemical signs of fear, it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled” but i don’t think measuring someone’s heartbeat alone is particularly relevant in detecting ... chemical signs of fear?? they dont really tell you this shit but noradrenaline (and maybe adrenaline too if the acetylcholine from sympathetic outflow always activates the adrenal medulla??, theres two pathways) is always active in small quantities to make sure your parasympathetic nervous system doesnt slow your heart to dangerous levels on its own, regardless of your emotions. it’s just a homeostatic mechanism. your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are CONSTANTLY modulating control of your organs on a see-saw, literally with every breath you take. simply standing upright causes specialized mechanoreceptor neurons in blood vessels to signal your brain to project signals to release catecholamines via the sympathetic nervous system to constrict your blood vessels so that blood is able to reach your brain and not pool in your legs. i have a deficiency in my body’s ability to adapt to this which is why i know so much about it. if i stand up my heart races to compensate. i’m not feeling fear, my body is just adjusting—albeit grossly and incompetently lol.

but what im saying here is that the security system is flawed. it’s a cool idea to have security droids detect fear, but in practice by detecting adrenaline, and not even directly by detecting the molecule itself—it’s done in a roundabout way by reading the heartbeat, could be a recipe for false alarms. like what if someone’s on beta-blockers. that’s not really an adequate way to measure “fear”; there’s so many variables that could interfere with the measurement the farther you abstract from what you’re really trying to detect. and besides, adrenaline is NOT just a sign of fear, it’s just for preparing the body for action. i know the sympathetic nervous system and adrenaline is constantly linked with the “fight-or-flight” reaponse to a stressor, but 99.9% of the time the sympathetic nervous system is used in your life is to balance out your parasympathetic nervous system to maintain homeostatic equilibrium for mundane things.

i think detecting amygdalar activation would be more efficient in detecting fear. the amygdala sends projections to the hypothalamus which then in turn modulates the autonomic nervous systems. but the amygdala is intensely activated specifically in response to a fear-inducing stimulus (it does activate in response to other emotions but they’re mostly negative and is most activated by startle and fear), and wouldnt be highly activated by many other confounding variables like measurement of the heartbeat could be. the amygala is one of the first stops directly from external stimuli.

to show you how integrated the amygdala is as the first step in registering fear after receiving input from sensory stimuli let’s look at the auditory-amygdala connection for example

see how the auditory thalamus projects to the primary auditory cortex and auditory association cortex? the cortex is where conscious awareness of what the stimuli is comes from. this is the “high road”. it goes sensing -> perception -> emotional response. but sometimes you can be startled without even processing what it is you’re sensing, like the startle response of an alarm or a phone ringing in a quiet house before you even register what it is. this goes sensing -> emotional response, without perception happening until after you’ve already felt the startle. that’s when it takes the “low road”. here’s a simplified version:

even if that were the case with these droids though it’s obvious dipper is still fearful on some level here. his body language, voice, expressions all give it away. for the amygdala, aggression isnt too off from fear so it would be detected equally.

the reason this is so important is because ford uses this as evidence for why dipper is special, “i did it?” “you did it. this is what i was talking about, how many 12 year olds do you think are capable of doing what you’ve just done?”

but like....did he really? i’m not saying this to shoot dipper down or make him out to be more of a wuss, he was incredibly strong-willed here and i dont want to take that away from him because it WAS growth on his part. but the underlying psychophysiological reactions of aggression and fear shouldn’t be that different and this was a total asspull. maybe the droid was so old that it fucked up. maybe dipper being covered in grime and dirt made it harder for the droid to measure the correct heart rate through photoplethysmography (im assuming since they use a camera and are non-contact).

and in all honesty everything i just said brings into question the interpersonal healthiness of ford’s judgements, what he thinks, his expectations, and how he communicates that. in this video alex already talks about how ford is projecting onto dipper. and i think ford may be projecting his expectations for himself onto people who are not him, and the fact that it’s on dipper here makes it far more unfortunate. you realize how much this boy idolizes ford, right? how much impressions matter? dipper even tells himself before he leaves in this same episode, “all right dipper, this is your first big mission with great uncle ford. don’t mess this up.”

even though it’s unstated, the implicit message dipper is perceiving from ford based on their dynamic is: “do you have what it takes for me to be proud of you?” and to accomplish this he must be like ford, even though he’s clearly not and he knows this. he says “i don’t think have what it takes. i was tricked by bill, i was wrong about stan’s portal, heck, i can’t even operate this magnet gun right.” then, by simple chance without even knowing what he did, he activates the magnet gun and pulls out the adhesive, which immediately takes the focus away from what dipper was telling ford about his feelings of inadequacy to ford saying, “yes! dipper, you found the adhesive!”

these thoughts of dipper’s hang in the air without resolve or comment from ford. we don’t know what ford would have said. but it then becomes painfully self-evident in the scene immediately after when the droids emerge and ford tells dipper, “they’re security droids and they detect adrenaline. you simply have to not feel any fear and they won’t see you”, to which dipper replies with an exasperated (and rightful) “WHAT?”

dipper goes in a panic trying to indirectly tell his uncle that this isn’t something he can do. and he is completely right and valid to be freaked out by that full stop. that IS crazy. you can’t control your fear. you can control how you interpret that fear in your higher brain regions but the physiological changes will stick around for longer than it takes to cognitively calm down. it’s easy for me to detach from my emotions to analyze them, but being able to do this does not come naturally for everyone. even i have an irrational fear of wasps and i can’t control it by detaching myself, my body is just automatically primed to get the fuck out of there. i know it’s stupid and i know it’s irrational and isn’t helpful to get myself worked up but i literally can’t stop how my body reacts no matter how i cognitively think about it. expecting composure from dipper in a situation like this when he’s being made to consciously be aware of his anxiety is absolutely fucking insane. look what you did, placing these cruel expectations on him, now he’s afraid of being afraid! this isn’t a case where two wrongs cancel out, they just stack on top of each other.

there’s a good reason these scenes were put side by side but it seems up until now it had remained unanalyzed.

what dipper fears from ford is disappointment. not living up to his uncle’s (quite frankly badly placed) expectations for a twelve year old with anxiety. not once did ford say or subliminally communicate “i don’t expect you to be able to do what i can since you are not as experienced as i am and that’s perfectly okay, no judgements”. you don’t put a child on bike before training wheels. you don’t throw a kid into a swimming pool without giving them swimming lessons. the way ford is doing it, there’s no room for trial and error or mistakes that are an opportunity to grow and learn; instead, it’s life or death. he only seems to pride dipper on what he can do while ignoring the underlying struggles that plague him and never making it known it’s okay for dipper to fail in front of his hero and that he won’t think anything less of him for it.

and that’s why i found the ending scene for dipper and ford’s adventure in this episode to feel so.. wrong. on a scientific and social level. because by the sound of it ford focused more on what dipper had done to dismantle the droid (the droid not detecting any fear) instead of how dipper displayed love and protection for him even if he was truly afraid. what if the science was accurate and the droid detected adrenaline while dipper was confidently standing up for his uncle. would ford still be proud of him regardless?

[you-did-well-moon]

Day6 Reaction to s/o learning their instrument while they're away

Type: Fluff, angst in Dowoon dont know what happened wasnt me

Word Count: 2.865

A/n: I took some creative freedom with why they were away but that is it. Keep in mind, I have no experience with instrument except for when I played the piano in 5th grade for like two weeks. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! - Moon

TW: small cuts, fight, second hand embarrassment

Sungjin

Sungjin was absolutely and devastatingly exhausted. His own guitar case felt like it was weighing him down tremendously, and he had a huge headache. Jae and Wonpil arguing in the back of the car was not helping in any way. It has been going on since they left the airport. He rubbed at his temples tiredly pressing his head against the cool window from his place in the passenger seat next to their manager. 

Still, he couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips as he thought about seeing you, probably curled up in the couch cheeks puffed from the snack you were inhaling. The pounding in his head lightened at the cute sight he would soon get to enjoy as he played with the loose threads of his old button up shirt. 

True to Sungjin’s imagination, your form was sitting on the couch. Not true to his imagination, you were actually bent over something in your lap, lightly humming and bopping your head to the rhythm being produced by your still clumsy fingers. The guitar in your lap had gotten lighter as the days went by without your boyfriend, and in replacement of his touch, leaving your fingertips warm and tingling, it was small cuts you hadn’t bothered to bandage as it disrupted you when playing.

 You missed Sungjin an abnormal amount. The cold spot in the bed or him making weird faces at you through the mirror in the mirror when brushing your teeth. You missed all of it. With a slight tremble in your chest you started playing the chorus to “You Were beautiful”.

You were so focused on trying to get it right you didn’t notice the door closing only to startle when you slightly looked up through your lidded eyes seeing the shadow looming over the coffee table. With a small yelp of surprise you jumped immediately looking up only to find your boyfriend staring at you with wide eyes. 

His surprised expression made you shrink into yourself. You threw your head into your hands in pure embarrassment letting the guitar gently slide off your lap, hitting the floor with a soft thump. “Can you just pretend you didn’t see that I can’t believe I even tried learning all that by myself I” you cut yourself off with an un-pleased sigh shaking your head and looking at him with pleading eyes. 

Your boyfriend continued in his frozen state for about five seconds before breaking out in the biggest smile rushing around the coffee table in which you panicked trying to get away from him with a squeal, but being too slow im the excitement that was usually in a much dormant state in Sungjin. The wrinkles near the corner of his eyes deepened adoringly, and his chest shook with soft laughter while he held you close. 

There was a fond twinkle in his eye as Sungjin forgot any tiredness that clung to his bones and kissed the tips of your fingertips while maintaining eye contact. He kept your hands encased in his when scolding you for having such low faith in yourself and softly encouraging you. He would probably put little stitch band-aids on your fingertips and continue teaching you, sitting you on his lap and scolding you when you lose focus with a sharp poke at your ribs smiling when you giggled. This man just fell impossibly more in love with you.

“You shouldn’t say those things, look at you love, learning all alone and doing so well. I'm so proud. Would you rather have the elmo band-aids or the stitch band-aids… I don’t know about you but Elmo kinda creeps me out. Just five more minutes little love then you can go mug Young k with Dowoon. Don’t look at me like that! You finally have a teacher and you take him for granted. The audacity-”

Jae

Jae was a thin hair away from just ripping his hair out. He didn’t believe the kpop industry would take very kindly to him going bald, but he had come to a point where he didn’t really care about what people thought anymore. But thinking about you not being able to play with his hair anymore while he drifted off to sleep with his head on your chest severely upset him.

 Jae had gotten stuck in another limbo, stuck in the studio and in his own head desperately trying to finish any of the unfinished songs left in his computer files. He missed you so much, he eventually called it quits, deciding to go home to you, who he hadn’t seen in days.

Just the thought about seeing you energized his previously exhausted self. He never could get sick of you. Every day, every week was a new adventure, a new chapter, all with his favorite person in the world. The night sky, although beautiful, seemed to mock him, reminding him of how late it was, meaning you were most probably asleep. 

Opening the door to his apartment, he heard soft music. He briefly recognized “I Need Somebody”, and thought you were playing it from your phone. All his thoughts came to a halting stop when he saw you perched on the bed, in his shirt, playing the melody of the previously mentioned song.

You had hair falling into your eyes with your eyebrows slightly scrunched trying not to mess up and heavily focused. Jae had loudly yelled in surprise, causing you to flinch and look up shocked at the sudden surprise. When you saw it was just him, you had comically thrown your hands in the air yelling at him about how it was supposed to be a surprise. 

The irritated look on your face vanished as you went up to give him a light hug with a kiss, softly smiling at him. Meanwhile Jae, was completely out of it, lovestruck eyes while he instinctively returned your affection.

“Come Jae, you look like you haven’t slept in ages, your eyes are so sunken babe”, you had softly whispered to him, rubbing the soft skin under his eyes, the way you were always soft with him when he came back from the studio. You slept in the same bed for the first time in what had been days, Jae tightly clutching on to you.

 He may have not been completely there at the moment, but in the morning when he had time to process everything, he was a changed man. He wouldn’t stop laughing and giggling excitedly, eagerly wanting to hear everything you had learnt. He even poked fun at you when you made a mistake. But it was all lovingly as he also praised you non stop while looking at you with his messy hair and big smile next to you on the couch. He had so much inspiration now. To finish what had been left behind.

“Pop off queen who gave you this much talent, you couldn’t even tell me what bass was last time we talked, which was like a week ago. Might just make you play when I don’t feel like playing. Give you a wig and people won’t know the difference! Why are you booing me, I'm right?”

Young K

Young K’s foot tapping on the floor of the car was the only sound that filled the car aside from the soft sound of the car’s engine and tires. He was absolutely spent, having to have stayed in a different city for a show he was invited to that was filmed far away from his home. 

Far away from you. Young K could tell his manager was starting to get irritated, but Young K was already massively annoyed and too far in his own world to really care. He missed the pine scent of his sheets, and he missed you.

It was not a good combination. When he got to his place he quietly thanked the manager,  getting his bag before trying to ignore every urge telling him to run into the building and fall into his soft bed with you in his arms. When he opened the door, your keys were there, so he knew you were in the building. That thought filled him with more relief than it should have. 

He did have to admit, hearing “I smile” this early in the day was odd as you usually saved the more mellow songs for later in the night. Young K told himself he had many euphoric moments in his life, but seeing you staring at a sheet of paper with so much determination and a bass guitar in your arms came pretty close to the top.

The absolute warmth that exploded in his chest was a feeling he would not forget in a long time. He could feel his lips slightly curl up in fondness as your hands shook while your eyes wavered unsurely between your hands on the strings and the video on your laptop sitting further on the edge of the bed. Your face scrunched up before you sighed and stared dejectedly at the instrument on your lap. 

“Why so sad love?" His voice made you instantly sit up, pushing the instrument gently off your lap. You crawled to the edge of the bed where Young K had already gotten closer where he met you tenderly running his hand through your hair, and he curved his hand around the back of your head bringing your forehead to his abdomen.

He brushed his thumb over where your hairline met the sensitive skin of the back of your neck immensely enjoying being back at your side. Your hands were clutching the back of his shirt, and your simple touch brought a warm feeling to his chest. You both leaned back as Young K’s chest started to rumble with laughter “You should have waited for me, it would have been easier if I could teach you”, he softly said, pushing your hair back from your face causing you to lightly laugh.

 “I wanted to surprise you, but I didn’t get that far anyways. Can’t become a prodigy in one day I guess”. Young K smiled again, promising to himself to help you as much as he could as he put his hand fondly on top of your head.

“You’re doing so good, just move your finger up a little, you’re plucking the c chord instead of the e chord during the chorus, don’t look at me like that i’m trying to help?! I wouldn’t put you on my level, but I think you’re doing really well. I’m hungry now, what do you want? No- What do you want? I am okay with anything just tell me-”

Wonpil

Wonpil was trying his hardest not to think about you. From the way you got excited when you got to see the moon in the cloudy sky to the way you smiled when you saw the neighbor’s cat while getting the mail. 

He was happy to be on a trip with her sister, he hadn’t had much time to be with her in recent, well forever really. While you had been invited, you hadn’t been able to attend due to work. Wonpil did his best to keep his mind off you and enjoy the trip, he just hadn’t spent this long without you in a while. 

Even so, he still had a fun time with his sister and her boyfriend creating many memories. He didn’t regret it, but he was extremely happy to come back to you. Opening the door to your apartment, he dropped his suitcase by the door, an excited smile tugging at his lips as he traveled through the apartment with his arms spread knowing you would embrace him as soon as you saw him. He felt so giddy, he didn’t even notice the broken keyboard sounds ringing throughout the living space.

His smile fell in a comical way, his face morphing into one of confusion instead. He recognized a broken rendition of “Mary had a little Lamb”, and tilted his head as he opened the door to your room seeing you with really big headphones on your head staring down at the keyboard with the most offended look on your face.

 How dare this keyboard not give you its secrets! Wonpil couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his chest, not mocking you, but he just thought you were so cute. He lightly touched your shoulder causing you to jump, and the slight movement of your head caused the headphones to slide off your head. It didn’t matter much. You instantly dove into his arms, pressing the side of your face against his chest.

He felt warmth flood his chest as his hand encased the back of your head while he pressed his lips to the top, closing his eyes in bliss enjoying having you in his arms again. He leaned back from the brace as his eyes flashed with amusement and yours with slight embarrassment. He lightly laughed, eyes crinkling. He cradled your face in his hands, a teasing lilt to his voice, “What were you trying to do, hmm?” He could feel your face grow hot under his finger tips.

 “I was just trying to surprise you. I felt bad for not being able to go with you”. He shook his head, hands playfully pinching your cheeks as you whined. “You shouldn’t act that way, I understood from the beginning. It must have been hard for you. Here, come, your lovely boyfriend will make this easier for you”.

“Y/n the keys will not bite prEsS dOWn, no, no keyboards do not have to be oiled, this is a musical instrument not a mechanical vehicle. You are so cute. What am I gonna do with you? No, you can not play the keyboard with your forehead, DO NOT put your foot on the keys. I don’t care if it’s for the vine. 

Dowoon

Dowoon was beating himself up. Looking back at what happened a few hours ago made his chest tight. He couldn’t help but wince at the words both of you had thrown at each other. You had been with each other for so long, and when his lovely mother asked him when he would propose, although with good intentions, it put pressure on him.

 He was still young. He had mentioned it to you in a joking manner, but there was a misunderstanding and you thought he was blowing it off as he didn’t see a future with you. 

Somehow feelings were hurt, and the fight escalated. And Dowoon decided he was a coward because it was when you had started stuttering through your words and avoiding eye contact, he knew. He knew he had pushed you across a line that might not be able to be crossed again. 

He panicked. He was really good at doing that wasn’t he? He left. He took a bus and went to the nearest hotel he could find. There he was sitting on the edge of the too perfectly made bed with his head in his hands.

Had he just ruined his precious relationship because he was scared of what the future could or could not hold? Why did he have to run away? Why couldn’t he just stay? Most importantly, how badly had he hurt you?

 With a sigh he stood up, and he got on the bus back to your apartment. Staring at the door, the fact you were just on the other side and hurting is what pushed him to open it with the key you had given him. Opening the door, he was met with silence and darkness. Have you already gone? He walked through the apartment, hope dwindling with every step. 

Then he heard a soft thump thump thump. His heart seemed to match with it, and as he walked to his studio which held his spare drum set, he thought of what he could say to make it better. Opening the door, he saw you softly hitting the drum with one stick, as if testing the waters and humming along to “When you Love Someone”. Dowoon couldn’t fight the sad smile that broke out on his face, and the absolute warmth that filled his chest. 

Why did he ever even doubt your future with him? There was no person more perfect for him than you. He stood next to you, softly taking your hand in his and guiding your hand to the right beat, although a bit broken. When your sad eyes looked up into his, forgiving in nature but still frustrated beyond belief, he knew he could still fix things. You were you, and Dowoon was Dowoon. You always somehow found your way back to each other.  

“No no, put your hands higher on the stick, no lower, now higher...a bit lower. No, Y/n drum sticks do not belong in my throat. What do you mean I have no room to talk, I thought we were over the fight. I would marry you in this life and the next! Why are you looking at me like that? I am not cute, I am handsome and overflowing with testosterone. Oooh are those gummies?

[onyx-and-friends]

Siblings Reunited, Part 4

When August finally rolled around, Polly was still in the steamworks, getting a final once over before going to surprise her eldest brother. Her new Brunswick Green paintwork seemed to glow as the light from a nearby window reflected off of her boiler. "I wish Scotty could be here.." She sighed. "I know, but hes getting his boiler overhauled and recertified in preparation for his 100th next febuary." Her new driver said, hopping into her cab. Pollys eyes followed various people as they walked around her. "So? Whats the verdict?" The engine asked nervously. "Am i mainline certified?" Her eyes lit up when she was given the all clear. Her driver and fireman looked equally excited. "We knew you would be!" Cheered her fireman. "For an engine who was left to rust for almost 60 years, you ran like an absolute dream!" Her driver beamed. "And my boiler was recertified about a week ago..- huh?" She looked up as she heard her name called. "Yes sir?" It was Sir Topham Hatt, coming to see if Polly was given the green light. "So! How is everything going?" He asked. "We're good to go, sir! I've just been mainline certified!" Pollys eyes sparkled in excitement. "Wonderful!! And im assuming your boiler is certified?" "It sure is!" The railways controller grinned, stepping up into her cab. "Most excellent! With all the formalities out of the way, let us be off! Everyone is waiting!"

------

Henry could hardly conceal his excitement as he and all the other engines sat in the sheds, waiting for the new arrival. Everyone, like Henry, was VERY excited. Gordon, however.. Gordon was annoyed. Everyone was keeping a massive secret from him. Everyone, even his own crew! He felt betrayed, there was no two ways about it. The express engine caught various snippets of his friends' conversations as he looked from one area to another. "I heard she looks more splendid than James!" "Oh, ha ha! Very funny, Thomas. No engine is more splendid than me!" "We'll see about that, James. If my crews reports are right, shes due to arrive any minute!" Everyone was hushed as a new whistle tore through the air. Gordons eyes snapped up at the sound. "What..? That whistle sounds.. Oddly similar to mine.. But.. Its not Scotsmans.." Now he was more confused than mad. That confusion changed rapidly to utter shock as he saw the new engine turn the corner. Memories flooded his mind, memories of past conversations he had with Scotsman about what their little siblings had gotten up to on the mainland prior to the famous engines visit to Sodor. Tears welled in Gordon's eyes as he looked at who sat on the turntable before him. The air felt thick enough you could cut it with a knife, and no engine made a sound as they let Gordon process what was happening. "Polly..?" He finally choked out, his voice hoarse. "Its me, Gordie. Im alive." Polly smiled, beginning to tear up herself. "But how..? You and the others were.. In the 60s, you.." "I know. But i was never fully dismantled. I was also far enough back in the scrapyard that they kind of just.. Forgot about me, and left me to rust. I dont fully understand it myself, but.. I literally owe my life to Henry over there. If he hadn't stopped when i called out to him, this reunion wouldn't be happening." Henry blushed, looking at his buffers. "I was only thinking of my friends, and the wellbeing of a fellow steam engine." He muttered bashfully. Gordon looked at Henry, tears rolling down his face as he just smiled. "Thank you, Henry.. Now i understand why you all were rushing back and forth to the steamworks all the time.. You were racing the clock to get everything done on time." Henry smiled, looking up at the tearful blue express engine. "It wasnt just us on Sodor, Gordon. We recieved a lot help from The Mainland, too. It was a team effort to get Polly's overhaul and recertifications done in time for your birthday." Sir Topham Hatt had by now exited Polly's cab, and was now standing on the turntable beside her. "I couldnt have said it better myself. Well done, all of you. You did an excellent job preparing Gordon's birthday surprise. You all can have the rest of the day off. You've more than earned it." The engines couldnt help but smile, remaining silent as their controller continued his impromptu speech as he stepped off the turntable. "This was by no means a cheap undertaking, but i honestly cannot think of a better way to have spent the money, than on Gordon. He has done so much for us, taking charge of twice daily express services for.. How long has it been? 89 years, at least? I knew we would have to go big for his centenary, and when Henry and his crew gave me their report on what they had heard and seen on their return journey from Doncaster Station, i knew what had to be done. Happy Birthday, Gordon." Gordon sniffled, a huge, tearful smile plastered on his face as all the engines wished him a a very happy birthday. Polly had since been turned around, and had backed into a new shed that had been specially built just for her. "Happy 100th Birthday, big brother. I love you."

[bybdolan]

to counter your point re: bob bruce and taylor. Part of why i think there self isnt discussed as much is because they are men so while these men wrote about their love lives no one cared bc they are artists, etc. But I would disagree with bruce a bit because my mom was a massive bruce fan and she like still talks about not liking bruces older stuff (in the 80’s because he did a switch to pop and she blames who he was married too at the time). I think a lot of things we do now in pop culture are similar to back then they just didnt have social media so it wasnt so noticeable

I mean obviously these guys' private lives were discussed, which is I think part of why Bob created a whole persona for himself. Dylanologists are probably crazier than Swifties in that regard – intense fandom has ALWAYS existed. But that wasn’t what my post was about, as it doesn't change the fact that a lot of their music is not about themselves in the same way Taylor's is, or at the very least it is not marketed as such, which is the main point of what I am trying to say. All music transcends the artist and becomes what the listener makes of it, that is not what I am arguing against, but because both Bob and Bruce wrote a lot of songs dealing EXPLICITLY with a very specific moment in a very specific place (America) their work became part of American iconography that transcended them as people and turned them into harbingers of this Promised Land, of something many people felt but weren’t able to express etc - something that ended up even transcending America. And Taylor is doing the same by writing about her life and emotions and expressing feelings that others might not be able to put into words, but it is not as firmly rooted within The Land, so to speak. OF COURSE she is a product of where and when she grew up, but her songs operate almost entirely in (her own) personal sphere and so she isn’t this big iconoclast like these guys.

One thing that I was thinking about when I made that post was (obvioulsy) Bruce’ 1988 show in East Berlin. It was part of a string of concerts that West artists played in the GDR (including Joe Cocker and Depeche Mode), but Bruce’ concert is remembered as the most impactful one because he wasn’t just a West artist, he WAS the West. People showed up with self-made American flags because Bruce “Born In The U.S.A.” Springsteen WAS AMERICA. You could have put Madonna or Michael Jackson on that stage, who I would categorize as similar to Taylor in that they are very much shaped by Being American but it isn’t their main thing, and it would have been an impactful moment, but it wouldn’t have the momentum of the Bruce show simply because of what Bruce represents and stands for. And the same goes for Bob and the reaction to his music Sam Shepard describes in his Rolling Thunder Logbook. And it is a very different kind of reception than the kind of reception Taylor has, which is fine, but it is still not the same thing.

[homestucky]

tw for pretty heavy discussion of diet, body image, weight, eating disorders etc. and emetophobia

so i grew up overweight. ive been overweight my whole life pretty much, with the exception of maybe 2 years when i was around 19 where i was a little lighter.

im a practical person. im a reasonable person. i grew up a tomboy. i dont like shallowness. i had minimal interest in sex and relationships. i was never rejected for my appearance. looking conventionally attractive has no reason to be a high priority for me

but still

i am completely insane.

there is no other way i can say it concisely. and i suspect that if you did not grow up overweight, perhaps particularly as an overweight girl/afab person, there are some things you just cant understand, because how would you even know?

so yeah, insane. like, obsessive. deluded. unable to fully comprehend reality. i cant tell what i look like most of the time. from the age of about 7 i fantasised daily about being skinny. fantasies about shedding my outer layers and showing everyone. and i wasnt even usually someone who wanted to impress or appease boys or ‘cool’ people. i honestly am not that motivated by what people think of me. yet my goal was always - figure out how to lose weight.

any eyelash i wished on, any 11:11, it was that. i thought about it every day.

and there was honestly no reason for it. it felt like life or death sometimes. i TRIED to have eating disorders. it feels so shameful to admit - i tried and failed. its so easy to imagine how funny that might be to some (mean) people. if i dont eat regularly, i literally get faint in a way that impacts my functioning VERY quickly, and other people can see. my gag reflex does NOT work. and trust me, i have tried. for hours, once. but I cant even do that right. id binge but i couldnt purge. my body would not let me give the food up.

‘i tried to be anorexic but i got too hungry’, ‘i tried to be bulimic but i couldnt purge so i just binged’ sound like sick jokes, like things fatphobic people would say to mock people they think dont try hard enough, because overweight people are lazy.

heres the thing. its good that i wasnt able to develop these disorders. of course it is. they are terrible things and i do not take them lightly. so im glad. im lucky that my body didnt let me. but that didnt stop me from feeling like a failure, feeling frantic and like at least if i could do this people would be sympathetic, bcaus its evidence that i was TRYING, even if it was in a bad way.

the feelings i had about myself and still have...

it impacts everything. its such a massive part of my identity. it stopped me from playing, climbing, doing sports. it stopped me from playing about with style and clothing because trying things on in changing rooms, looking at myself in the mirror, made me so anxious that i would feel physically ill.

and most batshit of all, it made me truly believe that i was a joke. that any room i walked into, people would pity me or be amused by me just at a glance. that i was always viewed by everyone else as just slghtly less human. that if someone was gonna be mocked id be first.

that if i ever did anything silly or made a mistake, it would be made 100x worse by my body - like if i said something awkward, or dressed bad, or came in to class late, or fell over, it wasnt something i could just brush off. because i was already a joke, so this would just add to it. if you are skinny and you get a question wrong in class, thats fine somehow, but if youre chubby and you do the same, you are slotted into the role of ‘stupid *and* fat person’ because everybody knows that stereotype so thats just who you are.

its wack that it doesnt just impact my confidence with sports, or clothing, or people finding me attractive, but literally EVERYTHING.

it feels like as long as youre fat, ANYTHING you do could potentially have a laugh track put over it. falling, crying, laughing, dancing, getting hit by a car, it doesnt matter.

and that is an INSANE way to feel. especially aged like, 10.

i lost some weight when i was 18 but i didnt feel different. i didnt feel more worthy or like i was a better person. i wasnt more deserving of love and respect. i just had more time and some money for a gym membership, and had little by way of responsibilties so didnt stress eat. and theres the fact i was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid too.

my situation changed, my thyroid got treated, and i gained it all back and then some. so i started to feel less bad about it. how could i feel so bad about not being that weight, when being that weight required me to have a chronic disease while also spending about 14 hours at the gym a week and calorie count? it was a bit of a revelation

but the craziness didnt go away completely. its still my first wish when i see an eyelash. i still feel like i will be who im really supposed to be ““when”“ i ““finally”“ lose weight, that fabled goal ive had most of my life and rarely achieved, and it will make people like me more, understand me more, respect me more, love me more. i also know that this is not correct. but i feel it anyway.

i have a shit tonne of things to worry about, like the fact im unemployed, or the state of the whole entire world, but theres still part of me that insists that being skinny is the most important goal. because if i was skinny people would be sympathetic to any of my other failings. i work out and try to be healthy as much as i can, because i want to be fit and healthy, because i think it is helpful to improve my experience as a human animal. but still when i say ‘i just work out for fitness, i just watch my diet to make sure im getting what i need, its not about weight or looks’ on some level....im alwaaays lyingggggggg ;)

i have no reason why im saying this now. its not pertinent. i just had to get it out.

[box16]

extremely personal extremely long rambling related to last post under the cut. cw for brief mentions of emotional/intentionally vague self harm and age gaps and relationship abuse

like. GOD. god in 2018-2019 i hated myself so much (and in 2019 was dealing with not only being freshly out of a relationship with a 4 year age gap into a rebound abusive relationship but also what i can only describe as the fallout of 2018′s Catastrophic Massive Fucking Winceworthy Oopsie) and my entire sense of self was based on making myself Feel bad or having my ex boyfriend make ME feel bad for generally harmless things. and that made me Depressed As Fuck! and i was (and still am) generally very socially isolated both from having all the people i thought were my friends turn around and turn out to be massive fucking exclusionists during a point of my life where i identified as aroace and from generally just having forcefully pushed away everyone i had known in 2017 and 2018 so it was just me, informal tumblr mutuals and my boyfriend, who constantly made me Feel Bad and like i was worthless when i was not [REDACTED].

and then in late 2019 early 2020 i Finally reached out and made friends one of which would turn out to be my now girlfriend and being surrounded by people who actually cared about me and loved me and didnt want to merely Exploit me or use me after an entire year of just thinking i was good for being Used was so fucking insane. but it was also so. fucking. uncomfortable. because i was still stuck with my “YOU NEED TO FIGHT EVERYONE AND BE ANTAGONISTIC BUT ALSO EXTREMELY SUBMISSIVE TO EVERYONE WHO YOU LOVE SO THEY DONT END UP HATING YOU” instincts and as you can imagine it ended up with me feeling EXTREMELY detached from everyone around me and i STILL hated myself. because nothing about my mentality had changed. i was in a better place and i was cared for but i still wasnt out of the ‘i hate myself and i need to hurt myself to redeem myself’ zone mentally

which means!! that i was BARELY improving if at all through those two years!! because my idea of improving was some fucking biblical “hurt yourself into a better version of yourself” bullshit which DOES!!!!  NOT!!!!!!!   WORK!!!!!!!!!!

mid 2020 was when i FINALLY peeled myself away from my ex socially and began putting in effort into my relationships and bettering myself as a person and being kinder to myself and to others because i realized that Hey, I Don’t Deserve This, I’m Not Getting Better While This Is Happening, I Need To Do Something Different!

and although ive lost most of my friends from 2020-2021 if only because we simply Could not get along or had differing views on things that were dealbreakers for either of us, i had come out of it with actually being able to take care of myself and not be devastated/essentially guilt tripping people whenever one of my loved ones brought a concern up to me. and also october 11th 2020 generally patched a hole in my soul like emotionally/mentally but thats another story

umm umm where am i going with this. OH YEAH on new years eve 2021 i finally fully ripped the bandaid and cut contact with my ex (which was a whole fucking deal that i dont care to get into but it was also a huge fucking weight off my shoulders) and i havent self harmed since 2020 save for like. occasionally banging my head when i get REALLY frustrated. and now in 2022 im finally letting myself process the last.. (counting) 4 years of my life and its ..  a lot. but i love myself. and i love those who love me. and i have hope for myself. and i didnt deserve anything that i put myself through. and im very happy to .TATA GET OFF MY KEYBOARD To finally be able to realize that. and i know things will only get better and i will only get better

[honestlyandrogynousnightmare]

magic reveal

So ive been thinking about the magic reveal we did get and also the different magic reveals we COULD have gotten so i thought id project all my thoughts into another massive tumblr rant:

personally, i dont think the magic reveal was bad at all. yes, i wouldve done it slightly differently, i think it was done way too late in the show and left little time to explore how that reveal affected merlin and arthurs relationship, and obviously we never actually ended up seeing if magic was legalised and all. but i dont hate the magic reveal we got. the key part i really love is that it was done on Merlins own terms, he could have just lied, but instead he finally told Arthur the truth and i think that there were many reasons for that decision being made. 

firstly, Merlin definitely felt guilty and blamed himself for Arthur being stabbed, he must have at least partly blamed himself because everything he did directly led to Mordred turning into a little shit. Part of him might have just felt as if he owes Arthur that explanation yknow. secondly, i feel like by that point he was tired of lying in general, he needed to get that secret off his chest. those two things combined with the fact that Arthur was dying may have pushed him to telling the truth,  because deep down he did know that it was probably the last chance to tell Arthur the truth. 

i liked how they presented Arthurs reaction too, the clear message there was that Athur was angry at the lying, thats the part he saw as betrayal, not the magic itself. he didnt want to believe that Merlin was a liar, when he always saw him as the one person that was entirely honest with him. hell, he still trusted him enough to send him back to Camelot and Gwen so he knew Merlin wasnt evil. If the writers actually did a good job at developing Arthurs character, i feel like itd be more obvious that Arthurs stance on magic was different from his fathers, but yknow bbc and their shoddy writing. I love that moment of acceptance as well, when he tells Merlin that he doesnt want him to change. He doesnt even now about all the things Merlin sacrificed and lost in order to protect Arthur and Camelot but he still accepts him. I think that when he first fund out it was all like “holy crap i dont even know him” but after spending a few hours with Merlin he realises that its still the exact same person he knew the week before. 

anddddd as much as i like the way they did that magic reveal, the ending of the show left me with no closure and a lot of tears. my ideal magic reveal wouldve happened earlier, either at the start of season 5 or near the end of season 4. It would give us a chance to see them talk it out, and god we know that there would be arguing, and if arthur wasnt dying he would probbaly be shouting but the key part here is that arthur wouldnt hurt merlin. i think he culd consider sending him away if his father was still king just to protect him but we all know merlin would reply with “no <3″. but since i cant see the reveal happening when uther is king, i will be ignoring that scenario. and again, theres many ways this could play out.

the one way that ive always found interesting was arthur figuring it out on his own, because he may be an idiot, but hes not stupid. *if you like this sort of thing read “so close and im halfway to it  on ao3, its a merthur fic and the magic reveal in that one makes me cry so much and the fic is so well written* I feel like at one point, he would just put the pieces together, and it would all make so much sense to him? Merlins random disappearances and scars would make sense, the luck he had when it came to fights, Merlins weird reactions when someone mentioned magic, how on earth merlin of all people managed to survive every battle and fight arthur was in when some of his best knights didnt. 

then theres the very cliche “merlin using magic mid battle to save everyone” reveal. because its mid battle, i really cant picture them talking it out there lol,  i picture a lot of ignoring but also if other people saw him using magic, we all know the first thing arthur would do is give the knights a good old “if you kill him i will kill you and then myself”, it wouldnt be until later that they would actually talk. 

and then like the canon magic reveal, theres Merlin doing it on his own terms. i personally really like thhis one because it gives him so much more control over the situation and over his words. *another fic rec here if you like this sorta thing, its called “to the world that let you by” and its really beautiful and made me cry at 1am so there you go, and as you guessed it, its another merthur*. i love this reveal because it gives merlin a chance to explain, and arthur a chance to listen and try to understand. 

now there are loads of different sub categories that could go into those, like Arthur finding merlin creating butterflies out of thin air lol, but i wont go into those. whatever reveal would happen, i feel like “the talk” after would usually end up in a similar way. Arthurs reaction would be similar to what we got in the canon reveal, because the actual magic isnt what would hurt most.  it would be the lies. Arthur has been lied to and betrayed by so many people you cant really expect him not to react badly to being lied to. the magic sure would confuse him and put him in a difficult position, because you have to keep in mind that his entire life he has been told that magic is pure evil, and to him, merlin is the polar opposite of that. i think it would just make him question everything, like does he even know this man? has he won any of his battles or has it always been merlin? why is he in camelot? why would a sorcerer be serving him? but he wouldnt hurt him. he wouldnt even consider that imo, sure, he will demand an explanation, but he wouldnt actually thin about hurting him. 

and merlin would understand why hes angry about the lying, that much is obvious. and he would be reluctant to tell arthur about the things that were happening behind his back all those years, but he would be honest. and go that conversation would be hard for both of them, i cant really imagine them having it without a lot of crying, shouting and even more wine tbh. arthur isnt good at listening which is why this would be so hard for him too, but merlin has to be honest, completely honest with arthur for the first time in his life and thatd be difficult. 

and i think merlin would handle arthurs reactions well, even if arthur decided to lose his temper lol. but i can still imagine him being a bit bitter if arthur judged his choices and stuff when it came to poisoning morgana and freeing the dragon, asking what on earth HE would do in that situation. where the only choices he sees are bad ones, and he has to pick the one thats least evil. 

arthur would probably be most pissed off at the thing about his mother tbh, because merlin outright lied there, usually its just deflecting but he made that deliberate choice to lie. but i really do think he would understand all of this, while not every choice merlin did was good, he did it with good intention. 

and then arthur would remove the ban on magic and they would kiss and get married amd live happily ever aft-

thanks bbc.

anyway if you want any more magic reveal fics (or links to the ones i mentioned, ao3 can be bloody annoying sometimes) feel free to comment or message me or anything, i have a couple more in my bookmarks. 

thanks for reading this rant, scuse the bad grammar, id love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this and magic reveals in general so feel free to comment! have a great day<3

[a-little-slice-of-fandom]

In derry girls, what did you think of the episode where clare came out? Im irish (republic) and gay so i love that it was included, but some of the language used makes me uncomfortable i guess? I get that NI in the 90s wasnt very accepting but the directors have said that they already portrayed it through rose coloured glasses so having michelle say d*ke feels unnecessary. I love the show though and can certainly look past it! I was just interested in what you thought :)))

Hey anon!

Personally I love this episode of Derry Girls! In fact it’s probably my favourite episodes. I already liked Clare as a character throughout the series, probably because I relate to her a bit too much, so to have her be revealed as gay was just like the icing on the cake. Good representation for northern Irish characters are few and far between, and gay northern Irish characters are basically non existent. Derry Girls was this hit TV show that provided many with the first chance to see themselves represented meaningfully on TV, and that includes myself.

However, I think there’s a lot of really important stuff in this episode that people either don’t notice or just don’t really talk about, which I do understand because Derry Girls is, at the end of the day, a comedy and it’s much more fun to quote characters like Aunt Sarah saying “you cannot move for lesbians these days” than to think about the darker side of Northern Ireland.

(T/W for homophobia discussion!!!)

(Also this sort of turned into a ramble about acceptance by the end of the post but I just have a lot of feelings on what Derry girls represents and I feel like non northern Irish viewers maybe don’t catch onto that because they don’t have the necessary context)

Derry Girls, as a show, is so interesting and personal to me because it manages to perfectly strike the balance between presenting Northern Ireland as a deeply flawed and divided country, but also presenting it as a place where people can be happy and live their lives to the fullest despite the ever present danger of the troubles. And that’s a genuinely refreshing portrayal of N.I that we usually don’t get. However I’d argue that if Derry Girls doesn’t at least try and illustrate, to some extent, the causal and very rampant homophobia of northern Ireland then it runs the risk of romanticising Northern Ireland at the time, which I think is incredibly dangerous. I do think that the show is intentionally more digestible and does filter things through rose tinted glasses, however I’d argue that simply glossing over the homophobia would have actually been a bit disrespectful to the queer history of Northern Ireland and could erase the experiences and struggles of the LGBTQ community in N.I, both then and now. If the show doesn’t acknowledge that things were shitty then we paint an inaccurate picture of what it was like, and arguably still is like, to be gay in Northern Ireland. And considering that Derry Girls is one of the very few good depictions of Northern Ireland, it’s incredibly important that it’s an honest depiction.

You specifically asked about Michelle, but I think it’s important to talk about Michelle and Erin in relation to one another, and how they are both products of their time and of a deeply homophobic society.

(Now I’m going to briefly discuss Michelle’s use of the d-slur here however I just want to acknowledge that I’m probably not the best person to talk about this since it’s a lesbian specific slur and I’m not a lesbian. I welcome any additions to this post!)

I think Michelle sort of represents the overt and “loud” homophobia that’s present in our society. Michelle saying the d-slur is far from the first homophobic thing she says. I mean It’s literally a running gag in series one that she calls James “gay” constantly. And the sad thing is that Michelle’s off handed comments throughout the series are incredibly realistic to what you’d hear in Northern Ireland even today. I remember the f-slur being chanted during break time at my primary school, without anyone fully understanding what that word meant. Michelle is a representation of the homophobia that’s deeply ingrained into N.I to the point where it’s not even thought about or even seen as an issue. I mean...no one ever really talks about Michelle’s comments. Now whether or not they had to include her saying a slur specifically to illustrate the homophobia of N.I is not for me to say. You could change that sentence in the script and I think the point of Michelle representing “loud” and homophobia would still stand.

On the other hand...I think Erin represents the much more insidious and “quiet” homophobia.

Firstly, she has no issue with capitalising off a very personal essay for her own gain, shrugs off any protests that this might be wrong and doesn’t consider how her actions may hurt the writer of this piece (who is later revealed to be Clare).

Even the language she uses is a bit uncomfortable, saying that “a real life lesbian walks among us”. Are lesbians wild animals or mythical creatures? That seems to be what Erin is implying here. Plus Erin tries to make it out to others such as Sister Michael that she’s doing this because she genuinely believes in equal rights and wishes to stick up for the LGBT community, but when Clare actually tries to come out Erin is clearly confused and she reacts very badly. I mean, Erin literally says she doesn’t want Clare to come out and demands she get back in the closet, and you can see how hurt Clare is by this reaction. And this scene is kind of played for laughs and I think that straight viewers probably found Erin’s reaction quite funny...but this scene hit way too close to home for me. It’s the classic “I have nothing against gay people, but I’d just rather I didn’t have a gay friend/child/co-worker because they make me uncomfortable” that’s way too common in Northern Ireland. It’s the idea that people can present themselves as liberal and open minded, but when finally confronted with something that doesn’t fit their narrative, their societal conditioning kicks in.

As a queer woman, it was never Michelle’s causal homophobia that made me uncomfortable, it was Erin’s reaction...because it hit way too close to home. It’s a perfect representation of the “quiet” homophobia that’s still a massive issue in Northern Ireland today.

(Also the context of when Derry Girls was released is super important! Series one of Derry Girls was released in 2018...but Gay marriage wasn’t actually legalised in Northern Ireland until January of 2020 and even then it was quite contested by conservatives. Now I’m not saying there’s social commentary here but that’s absolutely what I’m saying.)

Now I’m not saying that Michelle or Erin themselves are homophobic, nor am I saying that they’re bad people. I think that they are teenagers that have absorbed a lot of homophobic rhetoric due to the time and the society that they live in. Although Erin’s reaction to Clare trying to come out was painful to watch because it felt so real, I don’t think her reaction was malicious. Erin is a teenager who has grown up in a homophobic society and now doesn’t really know how to react to this new reality and probably didn’t realise how hurtful she was being to Clare. (This isn’t me trying to excuse her reaction, again I am part of the LGBT community and I’ve experienced that exact same reaction from people, it’s me trying to understand Erin’s reaction). Erin and Michelle have both absorbed rhetoric from their deeply homophobic society, and unfortunately this rhetoric continues.

Plus I just want to comment on this idea of acceptance and change in Derry Girls. Derry Girls is set in the time of great change in Northern Ireland, where people were sort of starting to accept that people are allowed to be British or Irish or both. But this process was messy and it wasn’t instantaneous. And the acceptance of the LGBTQ community in Northern Ireland was the exact same. It didn’t just happen overnight. It was a slow and messy process of change, of people re-evaluating their previous beliefs and being given the chance to grow as people and to learn how to accept others. That’s not to say people haven’t made mistakes in the past, because they have, but they’re willing to take the steps to change. I‘ve always thought the LGBTQ subplot of Derry Girls is sort of a parallel to the overall process of change in Northern Ireland in a political sense. And I think that flies over so many people’s heads because they don’t have that context of the political situation in N.I.

(And this theme of acceptance is seen again in the series finale of series 2 with James! ✨ Thematic consistency ✨ )

Because at the end of the day, Clare is accepted by the group. In fact, we see both the teenagers and the adults actively take steps to make her feel loved, welcome and accepted. My favourite moment will always be Granda Joe saying “you’re a very talented people” to Clare in the most earnest voice. Clare is still loved by her friends and although they don’t exactly know what they’re doing, they do try and show their support for her. They absolutely make mistakes, and they did hurt Clare, but they’re trying and I think that stands for a lot, especially at the time.

And I think all of what I discussed was absolutely necessary to Derry Girls. Derry Girls might be a somewhat rose tinted portrayal of Derry in the troubles, but it never tries to romanticise the situation that the teenagers were in (because no one should be romanticising the troubles). I think that this stance of portraying the harsh reality of homophobia in N.I is equally important to the narrative of Derry Girls. I see my own experiences in Clare, despite the fact it’s 30 years later, so if they didn’t at least attempt to show the homophobia in Ireland it would have felt disingenuous and too “perfect”. Again, I’m not saying that Michelle using the d slur was the right way to go about showing the “loud” homophobia of Northern Ireland. That’s not my decision to make. However, just because Derry Girls is making efforts to present Northern Ireland in a more digestible way to audiences (especially non northern Irish audiences) doesn’t mean they shouldn’t also acknowledge the reality of Northern Ireland at the time.

(This all kind of makes it sound like I want Clare to get hate crimed which I obviously do not want. I think the way that Derry Girls showed the issues in Northern Ireland were perfect and very much necessary, minus the use of the d-slur specifically which wasn’t necessary to the plot.)

Anyway thank you so much for the ask anon! This was much more rambly than my usual posts but I just really have a lot of opinions on Derry girls because it does mean a lot to me and it often does hit close to home.