#im so TIRED and ANGRY i am SICK of myself

[ballercollective]

Im going to kill like 10 different people if i hear another peep about payjay because oj ans paper interact in the trailoR IM GONNA LOSE ITTTT IM GONNA GO FERAL STOPPPPPPPP

[butchdykeorpheus]

bitching in the tags ignore me

[voulezloux]

v

[4thbrighteststar]

I wish I could listen to in between gracie abrams but it makes me genuinely actually sick to my stomach nauseous

[ii-zi]

It's literally the beginning of another month and I was JUST stabilizing from crying myself silly for days at a time bc of all the March 8 stuff and how fucking unreal it is to live in a country with such statistics and then look at what first world countries are fighting for on those areas like how the fuck am I supposed to do anything in these conditions

[arolesbianism]

Man I've gotta be mean more often Im so sick of being polite abt bigotry I should just start killing ppl fr

[frostbitesjc]

.

[toastsnaffler]

oh I KNOW I'm too fucking mad to interact with anyone when I start having imaginary arguments in the shower just so I can pretend to tell ppl to fuck off forever

[chitcharlie]

I'm genuinely losing hope I'll get rid of this pain, truly

[darkravens-blogs]

Lucifer Morningstar x reader part two. This art is not mine credits to the artist again this is gonna be a series part one is already out im working on part three now.

You walk into your house and start to get ready you can tell that someone followed you but you couldn’t quite figure out who but despite that you still decided to get ready you put in a beautiful red wine dress (picture at the bottom of da page) and start to do your hair and makeup.”I can feel you lurching” you say in an “teasing” tone “I thought so”Lilith said as she came out with a knife you noticed this and say”what’s that for” you say as you tilt your head” to kill you you fucking bitch”she says in a angry jealous and venomous toned voice as she lunges at you with the knife.you dodge and look at her with a “wtf” face “ but wh-“ before you can finish your sentence she intent you again putting the knife to your throat.” Because now I’m gonna give you three options I kill you right hear and now or I let you live and you can leave heaven and not come back or you can skip the date stay hear but never see Lucifer again and you have to watch from afar as we have the life you wish you had”she offers you a few options”if I pick the threed option can I still at least see him and know he’s ok” she nods “yes you may but you can’t interact with him at all no matter what or I swear I will kill you” who pushes the knife further into you neck drawing blood”understand bitch” “yes I understand” “good” she backs away from you as she removes the knife from you neck “now pack you things and leave you’ll be staying down in hell so he can’t find you oh and wright a letter saying your leaving” “ok”

(Time skip cuz imma lazy hoe and tired)

“So y/n is leaving” Lucifer said l through teary eyes”yea she wrought you this letter tho and said smothered a parting gives attached to it or something like that”. Lilith said as she handed him the letter”I’ll leave you alone for a bit to process what’s happening”he got up and left as he read the letter and tears started to fall from his face the letter read.

Dear luci

I have to go away for a bit and I don’t know if I’m gonna be coming back any time soon and in case I don’t come back I want you to know that I love you lucifer I always have and always will no matter how long we’re apart I will love you now and always even if you sit love your self I’ll love you through thick and then bad and worse sickness and heath no matter what happens or where I am I will always love you and find you and so you don’t forget me I taped a pic of myself to this letter and a promise ring so I have to for fill the promise I made to you I have a matching one so we will always find each other so all you have to do is remember me and wear it around your neck or finger so we know it’s is us I love you luci always have always will till next time luci :).

Lucifer starred to cry he couldn’t believe it he had to find you he just had to to let you know how he felt too he was going to find you no matter who or what he to go through.

The dress you were gonna wear 👇

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

im sure we have a heard the phrase "I am not a jew with trembling knees" by now

In truth, I am worried. I am worried for my great aunt, who has been very sick for years and only has my great uncle to care for her. she couldn't defend herself against antisemitism. I am worried about my uncle who lives in Florida. G-d knows that isnt the safest place for jews. I am worried for my mother and father who travel a lot. my mother because she is jewish, and my father because he is married to one. I am worried for my friends who live on the east coast of the USA. If they were hurt by an antisemite, I couldn't be there to help them back up. I couldn't drive them to the hospital or get them new clothes when their favorite outfit is ruined. Im worried about my friends in israel. I'm scared theyll die in a terrorist attack that won't even be in any news articles here in the USA because the death of jews doesn't matter enough for the world. sometimes I'm even worried for myself. I wonder if being face to face with antisemitism my whole life has changed me into a bitter and angry person. of course I am worried. there are millions of jews out there and in my heart they're all a part of my family and we are all struggling. I could never pretend everything is ok.

yet still, I am not afraid. fear is something that has the power to stop us, that makes us cower and give in to the enemy and deny who we are. no matter how worried I am I have not felt the urge to give up and give in to what antisemites want. sometimes I do feel fear, for I am only human, yet I refuse to let that fear be used against myself or any other jew. I refuse to let it be more than a passing feeling. I have promised to never give into terror, to never sit down and ignore the pain of my fellow jews, to never turn my back on my people.

I have no doubt that despite the fact that the world has scarred us, we will survive this as usual. I think that helps give me the strength to fight back. In truth, I am tired. I am angry, and worried, and sad, and stressed, and deeply lonely. my pain will not be used as a tool against me, and I will not be broken down by antisemites. I refuse to let myself become cowardly, so that I never forget who I am and who my people are

[helen-magpies]

Little rant:

Don't you all just hate it when your family say that you should lie, be manipulative, get a better attitude, have a nicer tone, stop rolling your eyes, stop being aggressive, stop yelling, and overall just berate you about being autistic and acting autistic because you are autistic and they refuse to listen to you when you say that you are autistic? I try to explain that i cant hear my tone, i dont roll my eyes, i physically cant lie, i refuse to be manipulative, im not yelling im just slightly raising my voice out of excitement or passion or frustration, im not aggressive im just unmasking...they say i just need to "learn" to essentially mask better...literally related to idiots :/

I am so sick of this ablism!

I am so sick of getting introuble for unmasking and being myself, im so tired of being lectured for my "attitude" and autistic traits. Im so angry at continuously being called weird because i dance like a bug, screech like a pterodactyl and call out unjust and harmful behaviours in others! I AM SO ANGRY AT THIS STUPID HIERARCHICAL SYSTEM I DON’T CONFORM TO! I WILL NOT CONFORM TO YOUR IDIOTIC SOCIAL NORMS!!

GENDER ISNT REAL! FEMINITY AND MASCULINITY ARENT REAL! SITTING PROFESSIONALLY ISNT REAL! NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT BECAUSE ITS RUDE ISNT REAL! MAHAHAHA YOU CANT STOP THE AUTISM! WE WILL DESTROY THIS STUPIDITY >:D

[axelakim]

Title: Regret

Pairing: Ben Chilwell X Reader

Content: angst, fluff

You and ben have been a couple for about 4 years now. Both of you really love and understand each other, moreover for the past 1 year, you two can not be separated from each other because you have moved to Ben's house and that what makes you two more and more in love.

The season chelsea have been through was not really good. The club end up in 12th place in pl rank and there are lots of rumour of his teammates gonna go to another clubs, that's the reason why Ben always get home angry and not in the mood for the past 1 month. Like today, the traning session went well but the match wasn't. Chelsea lost 2 points against Liverpool, you've watched the game at home because youre working and got into some of accident when you were buying coffe at the supermarket across the office till your left palm wounded but u said to Ben that u just feeling a bit sick so you can't make it to the pitch. So you just waiting for Benji to reach home in the livingroom.

Not long after that, you heard your boyfriend opened the door and having such a disappointed and tired look in his face.

"Hei benjii, are u okay love?" while hiding ur left hand

"Yea i'm fine" he didn't even give you kisses when you welcome him.

He directly went to the kitchen and open the fridge "Why the hell there is no food in here? You didn't cook?" he asked

"No im sorry, i didn't cook because im feeling unwell and i just wanted to got home directly on my way home"

"Oh yea right" hearing him just responding u like that is kinda hurt but u dont want to make him more stressed out, so you just ignore it

"Should i cook for you? or we just order some food? what do you want?"

"No need, ill order it later by myself" while putting his dirty clothes in the basket

"Eum how are you today? any stories?" you asked wanted to know more about his day

"You still asking me? you saw me lost right, fucking lost and here you are still asking me about how am i, dont play dumb Y/N you already know how terrible i am now, if you want some attention the answer is not now"

this is the first time he snapped at you, his whole face turning red

Your heart was aching but again u just hold it

"Can u chill out? I just want to know more about my boyfriend's day. Is that so wrong?" holding up your tears

"Yes its so fucking wrong, youve already saw me lost today and u still asking me about my day, and always asking me the same annoying questions when i get home" he answered

"Oh so im the one who is wrong here huh?" you replied

"Yeah because you always so chatty about many things, this and that and also annoying"

You continued, "well maybe your decision to asked me move out with you was wrong then huh?"

"Kinda regret it indeed" he said it cold and went upstairs to your shared room

You frozen for a second hearing what he said, u just went blanking and dont know what to do. Your heart is aching so much, the questions youve always asked him that you consider it as an act of caring but ur boyfriend seemed didn't really happy about it. You always have his back and support all of the things he does but seems it is not enough for him.

You decided to put your jacket on and take your car's key. You told your security at home to open the gate and said to him that you just wanted to go to the supermarket.

After ben done showering, he went downstairs to check up on you because he felt guilty about the argument earlier but you weren't in the living room so he tried to find you in the guest bedroom but u also weren't there, he tried to call your name

"Y/N.... Y/N, are u here babe?" all around the house but he didnt find you

Then he heard some knock on the door, he thought it was you but it turned your best friend, Camilla.

" Omg you camilla, i thought it was Y/N"

"What shes not home? where is she ben?"

"Shes home when i arrived then after i showered shes gone"

"You should find her, her car missing i thought u used it but youre here and her hand wounded because of this morning accident, she really need a rest, im so worried rn"

"What? what accident? she didnt tell me anything? oh my lord, i messed up real bad, fuck it"

"Dont you say youve had some argument earlier ben?" camilla narrowed her eyes

"Yes yes we had it okay, and it was kinda really bad camilla, she must gone because of it, ,im so stupid, ill go find her rn"

"Damn it you chilwell, find my friend rn or you dead with me!"

They both go out to the security guard and asked about you, its almost midnight and you havent even come back home. Ben really worried about you and getting more stressed out. He called you so many tjmes but seems you have blocked his contact, then he called all of his friends and bodyguard acquaintances to find you. He also went to all of your favorite places but still he didn't find you. He drove his car with tears coming down on his cheek, he really regret what he have done to you, you didn't deserve to be treated like that. You are his princess, best friend, and also partner in everything, how could he be so mean, how could he let anger overwhelm him.

Its 3.30 am, hes still on the road till he got a call from a guy name Franky his bodyguard acquaintances, he said he found u because u use your credit card to stay in a hotel. Ben directly went to that hotel and asking your room number to the receptionist, glad that he knew ben and knew that you are his girlfriend so he let him to have the spare key.

Ben already there, in front of room 305 your room. He got in and found the silent and dark room. He turned on the light and saw you slept peacefully on the king size bed. He saw your puffy face and traces of tears that still wet on your cheeks. He checked your wounded palm too, looking at you like this made him really felt terrible rn.

Benji checked your silent phone and found so many missed calls from him, camilla, and others. Benji sent text to camilla first to tell her that youre okay. After that he just lay beside and hugging you till he fell asleep.

In the morning you awake and realized youre not home, but u felt someones arm hugging u from behind, u wanted to shout out at first but then u recognize the hand and also the tattooes. ITS MR CHILWELL.

You try to get up and let go his grip slowly, but Benji noticed.

"Hi baby" u just silent at his raspy voice, youre mad at him but also missing him sm at the same time.

"Hey i know you awake love, come here, let me see your face"

You try to hold ur body but u cant, he managed to turn your body to face his. His face looked so calm now not like last night. He smiled at you for a awhile.

He suddenly kiss your lips and u wipe it

"Huftt i know u must be really mad at me rn, im sorryy babe, i messed up"

"Oh you call me babe now?"

"Sorry sorryy Y/N, babe, i really regret what i did to you last night, im sorry, i let my emotion took control of me" he pleaded

"Yea" that was all u said, tried to get up from his tight hands around you

"No no youre not going anywhere" he said

"Huftt... i dont know Ben, im really dissappointed at you right now. The way u treated me last night make me feel like u dont love me anymore. You really know it well that i dont like when people raised their voice on me especially the people i love, you" u said it in tears

"Baby i know, i know you we've been together for 4 years. I really know it well, im sorry that i treated you like youre somekind of punching bag to me. It was just the effect of bad season and the rumour about my teammates, i just really stress and dont know what to do. Instead i let out my anger and bad mood all to you, while all u did for me was just supporting and taking care of me. Im sorry that i called you annoying i didnt mean it. You always such a loving and caring person especially to me , i really lucky to have you in my life. Im the one whos being a dick all the time since the bad season coming for chels" he said it all in tears also

You touched, you know u shouldnt go easy to him after he breaking ur heart like that. But you love him and you know frpm the deep down of your heart that he really didnt mean it. He even put so much effort to find you. You sighs and continue

"I know, you just stressed out but im here as your partner to comfort you, taking care you, hearing you, and loving you okay not a place for you to let out your anger out. I just wanted to support you Ben in every obstacles on your life, dont get it wrong. And ya maybe sorry if im being too much chatty in your house too, ill try reduce it"

"Love noo, its our house not my house. Its ours not only mine, and no youre not chatty im sorry you just wanted to take care of me and please do it for me" he smiled wiping off your tears

"I really regret my act last night, give me one chance to make us better" he continued

"Um noo" you answered

"Baby what do you mean no" he afraid of the possibility of breaking up and losing you

"Are you not gonna forgive and give me a chance?" he panicking

"I do give you a chance but i cant forgive you yet" you said "It was just too much for me, you know it right?"

"Okay okayy, im glad to hear that thank you sweet" he kissed you

"How do i make it up then baby?"

"With a rope and handcuffs maybe?"

"Oh you want to have playtime? thats easy babe. We just need to get home first"

"Yea playtime but this time im not the one whos being tied and hancuffed"

"You mean me?? hell no" benji refused it

"Okay then no sleeping with me for the next 1 week" you threathen

"Noooo, okay okay babyyy im down for it, youre the dom for tonight's playtime" he smiled

"Yayyy and can i ask one more thing again?"

you pleaded with puppy eyes

"Anything for my baby"

"Can you accompany me to watch barbie and going shopping for barbie related things?"

"Yes you can love, its easier than to be a sub for a playtime" he carresed your cheek

"Now can you forgive me now? I need an official statement from you"

"Yeaa kindaaa"

"I take it as a yes princess, and dont ever you call me Ben again, its terrifying"

You indeed never call him by his real name its always Benji, love, baby, babe, etc, because if you call him by his real name he knows it well that he has messed up real bad with you and he didnt like that also.

"And btw why u didnt tell me about thi" ben asked pointing to your wounded hand

"Dont want u to be worried to much at me while youre on the pitch" you smiled innocently

"Love u have to tell me okay, im sorry i didnt even paying attention to it"

"Its okay, im okay now"

"Have you bring it to the doctor?"

"Yes i have, yesterday and she said its totally okay, i just need to treat it well and change my bandages"

"Hmm i see, lets get home right now and take care your wound okay, you also owe me a story of this little accident"

"I will tell u in car, lets get out pf here right now benjii, im hungryy"

"Lets goo, but kiss me first and say i love you baby"

"Why?? u always like it when i call you Benji"

" I like it but baby is more special to me, also just want to make sure you really forgive me :)"

"I forgive you Mr.Ben Chilwell" you kissed him in a passionate kiss, quite long kiss the you two pull out

"And i really love you baby, thats the reason why i cant stay mad at you" rub your nose against his

"But promise me you will never do that again?"

"Promise princess, i will make you happy, im sorry about yesterday alright love? I really regret it, i love you so much"

You two once again pull in for a kiss and then checked out from the hotel and going home.

[theview-from-halfwaydown]

“and now i’m 22

without any clue

of what to do

with myself or my life

static in my mind

memories i can’t unwind

i’m always running out of time

because i’m stuck in a bind

having trouble trying to define

how to get my mind and my body to finally align

i’m sick and tired of always having to find

my sanity down under

deep within the ground

lost in the wonder

praying i don’t drown

quietly alone

yet never on my own

what am i supposed to do

with all these aches in my bones

i ache

i ache

i ache

and i don’t know what to do with all this physical pain

because it’s bursting through my body and i’m about to break

so i take

and i take

and i take

and i pray that my mind is not at stake

because i’m pacing around my room each day

trying hard not to make any mistakes

but im tired

god, i’m so tired

of having this storm in my chest that i can never shake

so i allow the dark clouds to consume my brain

let the rain swallow me whole so i can no longer entertain

any nihilistic idea that brings comfort to the pain

because i don’t want to be angry or to find peace in the mundane

i’ve been painted red by my mother and blue by my father

and their colors mixed together to create a violent color

an electrifying being who pierces her lovers

then cries over what she did under her covers

because she can never understand that maybe she does actually suffer

and putting others before her shouldn’t be above her

so why is it so hard for me to self discover?”

[radicalhighway]

hey..... im not dead! apologies if i worried anyone. july has been a rough month for me mentally the past couple years or so. ill explain what happened under the cut bc it gets a little personal and a tad ventish. with that being said...

tl;dr: i needed a break bc i was having a bad mental health crash and only intended to be gone a week at most. then shit hits the fan, i blink, and its been a month. im back now, though!

so uh. as stated before, ive been experiencing rough mental health crashes in july the past couple years or so. i tend to act more dodgy and maybe a bit snippier than normal, im not sure why. i only intended to take a week off to recover, but life had other plans i suppose. i ended up getting real busy with changes at work, then got hit w/ the sick + period wombo combo, and if the universe didnt hate me enough already, i got hit with the sickening revelation that i really dont know who i am or what i want. ive been so detached for like 2 years or so at this point. im just cruising through life, letting everyone else decide what i should do next. i dont know my desires or dreams, i just. dont have any goals anymore. im lost, im stuck, im stagnating. i know people say its fine to not know what youre doing and to be lost, but. im genuinely stuck. i dont know what im doing. what i want from my life. who i am as a person. ive just been surviving these past few years and its just. so. exhausting. and discouraging. so im like. trying to discover myself, i guess. im not entirely sure how im going to go about that. all i know is im sick of this all encompassing feeling that im stagnating and permanent state of detachment. im tired of being alone. i want to right my wrongs if at all possible, i want to be better. i just... need to discover myself somehow. i guess.

anyway.

im back now. im very, very sorry for disappearing like that, it was wrong of me to not even update yall on if i was okay or not. im sorry i keep doing things like this. i promise though, this time was not intentional. life just threw some curve balls my way, and a month passed by before i even knew it. ill try my best to not let this happen again, at least not without some pop ins for updates to let yall know im okay.

as an end note. im a scared animal. the thought that theres long, angry messages awaiting me on discord is... discouraging. to say the least. so i may take a bit to work up the courage (and spoons) to face my consequences for my shitty habit and check discord. im also lowkey a little scared ppl are gonna leave me over this nasty ol habit. not to say it wouldnt be warranted, yall have every right to since its a shitty thing for me to keep doing but. still hurts even if deserved. i truly never seem to learn, huh? sick of being alone, but refusing to be vulnerable enough to allow people to help me… crazy.

thank you all for being patient with me, and thinking of me if you did.

cheers

[1eos]

Hi, just read your post about immigrant mothers ruining their kid's jobs. My mother is not an immigrant but she's asian and she cannot for the life of her be considerate with my previous job situation.

I earned 2k monthIy. It's quite low bc we're poor and I have to use half of my pay to support my family. So I decided to take this remote part time job for savings (not just for me but for the family also) and bc of that I am almost in front of my laptop 24/7. It's a report writing job and usually I would have 2 reports weekly to be submitted within 4 days.

My mother hated that I am always in my room doing work and would get so angry because "I listen to the employers more than her". She would make me do a lot of house chores when she knew I was tired from work just to spite me, saying that in the house I do the least chores???? Yeah bc I have a deadline to catch OMG.

Usually I would plan my week for the reports but then she would make me drive her for errands etc and would guilt trip me if I don't do so. Because of this I would stay up all night trying to finish the report just so that she won't throw a fit. Also, I have 2 other brothers who have a lot of free time but just for gaming, not for chores.....but somehow I'm the bad guy......which also makes me believe all asian mothers are "boy moms" but that's for another day.

The problem about these mothers is not because they don't understand their children. It's because they DO NOT WANT to. Because if they do, it means they have to listen/cater to you; not the other way around. They rather die than doing THAT.

first n foremost i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate that you're going thru this :(. it's truly thee worst to be sabotaged by a mother its truly so insidious and too many ppl in this day and age think its cute or like something we just have to suffer thru bc hey that lady gave birth to us and helped raise us. like the idea that GIRLS --bc they rarely if ever do this to sons--are literally put on earth to toil and suffer and serve their mothers, brothers, aunties etc until some man comes along and then u serve him w no thought or care for ourselves until we die is sooooooooo pervasive.

like its so sad that in 2024 you have someone purposefully going out of her way to sabotage your hustle :(((((((((((((((((( and i won't do the annoying 'just move out!' bc trust me ik how hard it is to move out right now!!!!!!!!! i will say i hope you maintain the strength and energy to persevere thru the sabotage 😐 you will win. misogyny will not win! m*thers who are mad that their daughters aren't just rolling over to be the family doormat. and its like? you'd think they'd be happy but that post partum jealousy is something else i'll tell you that

i still remember being a kid and my mom waiting until i was totally asleep to force me awake to put two dishes in the dish washer?????? and would be yelling and totally pissed off that im not standing at attention to do the dishes at 11pm 😭😭😭😭😭 bitch i was in literal rem sleep why are u screaming at an unconscious child? just lacking control or excitement in their own lives and take it out on their daughters its fucking sick

bc you're right lolllll its not that they 'dont understand' they deadass do not want to. which is why i don't believe in extending grace for bad mothers in a lot of these situations bc why the hell do i have to put myself in YOUR shoes and suffer disrespect always thinking about YOUR feelings when for the first 18 years you were the ONLY adult??? absolutely bizarre. i hope one day we can stop lighting up mothers for shit they can't control like crying babies or having to breastfeed and clock them for the way theyre cornerstones in keeping the patriarchy alive. and the specific bullshit mothers dole out and get away with it bc society expects total devotion to mothers especially from daughters like i need everyone to wake it up bc there's nooooo reason for a grown ass person to be sabotaging you like that! a lot of us are living in the house with our worst opponents and i hate it!

but bottom line? I AM ROOTING FOR YOU ANONNNN WE WILL MAKE IT OUT OF HERE I PROMMY