#im so normal abt them (delusion)

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

OH MY DESTINY, HOW FAR YOU HAVE SPRUNG NOW ; SATORU GOJO

synopsis; satoru gojo goes north.

word count; 5.3k

contents; satoru gojo, canon divergence, HEAVY jjk spoilers (for chapter 236!! but also kinda 237), fix-it fic, me coping w/ the manga for 5k words straight, canon-typical violence and death, implied stsg, probably non-canon compliant use of binding vows (but do i care? no), gojo satoru lives.

a/n; yeaaa this is literally just me coping <3 needed to write this for my mental health. he’s fine guys trust me

the experience is not altogether unfamiliar, on its own.

he’s felt it before. even now, he can still vividly recall it; a girl he failed to protect, a boy he failed to save. a man with a scar on his bottom lip.

that sickening numbness, as he lied in a pool of his own blood. sticking to his hair and tattered clothes, the colour red flooding his subconscious. that cold, cold sensation — a jarring shift, chilling and ruthless, going from everything to nothing. tiptoeing the line between life and death. 

emptiness. sinking deeper into the abyss, that all-enveloping darkness. that awful feeling of pure helplessness.

(he could never forget it.)

back then, though, gojo is certain he didn’t feel this way. all he could think about twelve years ago was survival — clinging to the weak flutter of his heart, a dying butterfly. clawing his way up to the skies. anything to escape that harrowing sensation, a kind of desperation all humans feel in the face of certain death, spurring him on. but now —

he almost welcomes it. nearly content in its approach. it should frighten him, but it doesn’t.

through half-lidded eyes, vision blurred by sweat and blood and dust, gojo watches the sky.

it's beautiful, he thinks. as beautiful as ever. peaceful, unchanging, soothing in an eerie kind of way. that clear blue, fading a little at the corners as his muddled mind grows just a little darker, a little more fatigued. he can barely gather the strength to keep his eyelids open. 

yet he keeps his gaze on that endless sky, as if it’s all he’s ever known.

with every passing second, the world grows just a little more blurry. pale dots spread around the corners of his vision, like grains of stardust in an ever-expanding cosmos, clouding his senses. there’s a buzzing in his head that won’t go away. everything looks as if it's spinning, and he can barely tell left from right, north from south. everything is growing darker, so fast that it’s alarming, and gojo can’t seem to even think clearly.

but he can still see that blue, blue sky. bluer than he ever remembers it being. even as snow begins to fall, descending upon shinjuku as if bidding him farewell. the sky takes on a gray hue, but that shade of blue is still all gojo can see, as he takes shallow breaths and half-heartedly attempts to remain conscious. willing himself not to give in just yet, choking on his own blood. 

and it's an odd feeling, really. one he never thought he'd meet again, but here it is, it's back — and it's all-consuming. beckoning him into a place he’s never been before. the unknown. 

it's not scary. gojo doesn’t think he has it in him to feel fear, anymore. but it's a strange sensation, as death kisses its way up his neck, sending shivers down his spine; as the numbness spreads, devouring him whole.

it’s unknown. thoroughly and wholly. and that unknown is overwhelming, all-encompassing, it’s all he can see before him, it's —

ah.

gojo takes a deep breath. the air burns his lungs.

everything's ending, isn't it?

it would be so easy. to simply close his eyes, let them flutter shut as that all-encompassing sensation takes him down to earth. to allow himself to simply rest, for a moment. wouldn’t that be nice?

it would be so easy.

gojo watches the sky. it's all he can do. 

the numbness keeps spreading throughout every cell of his body. he can barely feel the blood trickling down his chin, or the harsh bite of the winter cold, his skin buzzing with ache. he can't feel his arms or his legs, and he knows exactly why. everything in the world is closing in on him and god, he just feels so fucking tired.

ah. ah. more darkness. more numbness.

everything and nothing, all at once. slipping away into oblivion. the snow keeps falling but he can't see anything, can't hear anything, can't feel anything, anything at all.

nothing. nothing. less than nothing.

— and then, suddenly, an airport.

"yo."

gojo blinks.

a boy. a boy with black hair, tied into a small bun. a dead boy. his best friend.

suguru stands before him, and he looks exactly the same as gojo remembers. young, bright, with those awkward bangs still hanging over his face. grinning boyishly, and greeting him with youthful cheer. 

gojo feels young, too, he realizes — the weight on his shoulders a little less heavy, the familiar black of his sunglasses obscuring his vision. but he can still see the flicker of suguru’s cursed energy clear as day. as if it never left him.

feigning a mild displeasure, gojo makes a face. he hears himself speak, but his mind and six eyes continue to spin in circles, trying to comprehend the sight in front of him. trying to make it understandable, figure out what’s going on. 

but he doesn’t succeed. because it’s impossible to understand. and, really, that’s answer enough. 

huh.

so this is what the afterlife is like?

he inhales through his nose, basking in the clear air, and it doesn’t burn his lungs. his chest feels lighter than it’s been in years.

that seems a little too good to be true. 

"you’re kidding me. this sucks.”

suguru makes a kind of face like he’s pouting, plopping down in the seat right next to gojo’s. the white haired boy stretches his limbs out and huffs, pretending the sight in front of him doesn't send a tremor running through his very soul.

suguru continues to speak and gojo continues to listen, all while observing the scenery in front of him.

the airport looks familiar. through the glass windows he can see a glimmer of the blue sky, and a plane waiting to take flight into the clouds. the air smells of summer and jet fuel and new beginnings. it’s pleasantly cool, a light breeze caressing his skin and coaxing a hum from the confines of his throat. 

(he remembers this airport. remembers having his arms full of vending machine snacks, trailing after suguru as he dealt with all the annoying technicalities. amanai was there, too, watching a plane soar up into the sky with childlike wonder. a little anxious, as she boarded the plane to okinawa, and then back to tokyo.

her first and last flight.)

suguru is there, right next to him, and he’s speaking. breathing. like something out of a dream, the kind that always haunts gojo in his sleep.

he breathes in, and then out. 

suguru is there. and not just him – nanami and haibara are, too. all young, all dead. all somehow breathing; he sees them inhale and he sees them exhale. he hears them speak and it’s like nothing ever changed. 

they speak of regrets, of south and of north. nanami doesn’t seem to regret a single thing, and gojo is glad. even yaga is there, he notices belatedly. even amanai, and her maid, and a certain man with a scar on his bottom lip. everyone all together again.

the airport buzzes with warmth. nostalgia, as suguru’s laughter rings in his ears. and gojo grins, in tandem, bright and childlike. wallowing in the tender atmosphere. 

the sight in front of his eyes is perfect, he thinks. absolutely perfect. a glimmer of spring, one he never quite managed to forget. a vibrant flicker of blue, one he thought he’d lost forever.

his one and only blue spring of youth, right in front of his all-seeing eyes.

a little too good to be true.

with a sigh, gojo stretches idly, smiling a little to himself. his joints don’t ache, his head isn’t buzzing with fatigue, and his heart feels lighter than it's been in recent memory. 

“now i’m hoping this isn’t a dream,” he hears himself mutter, allowing his eyes to flutter shut at last. he can still see suguru’s cursed energy, and everyone else’s. he isn’t alone. what a nice thought. 

and it’s strange, gojo thinks. it really is. he’s dead. sukuna killed him. he’s dead, his remains are lying somewhere in the streets of shinjuku, and that should bother him. he should be punching the floor and screaming, cursing sukuna’s name with every fiber of his being — it should frighten him, the realization that everything has ended.

but it doesn’t. 

gojo isn’t afraid. and he isn’t upset, either. he bears no grudge against anyone, just like that day twelve years ago.

he’s with suguru, now, and his juniors. his old teacher. the people he cares for are with him, and the airport smells so nice. everyone is young, and happy, and none of them will ever have to kill or be killed again. 

calling it anything less than heaven would be doing it a disservice. 

gojo smiles, exhaling a relieved breath. one he hadn’t realized he’d been holding til now, stuck in the back of his throat for the past decade. a tiny thought makes it to the forefront of his brain, like a spring breeze flitting in through an open window.

like this, he thinks, i could die with no regrets.

“— except that’s not true.” a voice proclaims. “is it?”

gojo opens his eyes.

suguru looks at him. everything goes silent. everyone else has already gone blurry, a little faded, as if they aren’t what’s really important. as if the entire world has narrowed down to just this; him, and suguru, in the corner of an airport too precious for words. that one decisive slice of heaven. 

suguru opens his mouth, and speaks, and his voice has a finality to it that fills gojo with a mellow kind of dread. 

they look into each other’s eyes, and both know what’s coming.

“the students are outclassed.” suguru rests his chin on the heel of his palm. ”you said it yourself — sukuna wasn’t giving it his all when he fought you. he still has more than a couple cards up his sleeve, doesn’t he? like his incarnation.”

gojo listens to suguru speak, not saying a word.

“they’re no match for him,” he continues, unperturbed. “all of them are going to die. every single one.”

suguru leans back in his chair, still looking straight into gojo’s eyes. seeing through him, gaze filled with a certain sharpness. a little cruel, but there’s a kindness there, too. as if he’s simply ripping the band-aid off, trying to make it as painless as possible. 

he clicks his tongue.

“and you still haven’t buried my body, either.”

a moment passes. then two.

gojo smiles to himself, rueful. a little saddened. 

“.. damn,” he grins, weakly. leaning back in his chair, slumping against the soft leather. “couldn’t you have kept indulging me for just a bit longer?”

suguru smiles. a soft thing, in the flicker of the light. a little too good to be true. “sorry,” he chimes. “but the plane is leaving soon.”

as if on cue, the pa system sounds.

flight to okinawa; departing in nineteen minutes.

“it hasn’t left, yet,” suguru hums, and it sounds like an inevitability. ringing in gojo’s ears. “you know what that means, don’t you?”

he does. he does, but it still hurts. gojo looks into suguru’s eyes, and sees himself reflected in them — young, transparent. blue. fading, but not quite faded. not quite dead.

and maybe it’s to be expected. maybe he was just trying to delude himself into believing the alternative, into believing that an afterlife as sweet as this could really be waiting for him. maybe it was naive, a childish fantasy. 

but still —

”haah.” a heavy exhale, fatigued. gojo slumps even further into his seat, squeezing his eyes shut. running a hand through the soft strands of his hair. ”oh, gimme a break. and here i thought i could finally relax for once.”

a chuckle flows from suguru’s lips, amused. ”you aren’t the type to go down like that,” he murmurs. ”c’mon, satoru. there are still things you need to do.”

”how?” gojo scoffs. ”i’m split in half. and i’m too exhausted to use my reverse cursed technique.”

”eh,” suguru shrugs. ”you’ll manage.”

gojo shoots him a dubious look. ”you’re acting like it’s a papercut,” he huffs, crossing his arms. ”my guts are on the fuckin’ pavement.”

”oh, quit your complaining already," suguru rolls his eyes, and shoots him an accusatory glance. "i died with a hole through my chest. at least your heart is still intact.”

”i wanted to make it painless for you!”

”well, it hurt like a bitch. so thanks for that.”

gojo pouts, fighting back a smile. he thinks suguru must be doing the same. and it’s juvenile, a little twisted — but then again, weren’t they always?

suguru cocks his head. beckoning gojo into taking action. ”you’ve still got some fight left in you,” he says, and there’s a fondness to it. ”you always do.”

”get up, satoru.”

silence. unbroken, unperturbed. if he focuses enough, he thinks he can hear the distant buzzing of cicadas, the crinkling of soda cans. the whistling of the wind. placebos; memories ghosting his subconscious. 

it’s quiet, for a while. gojo stares into space, blinking slowly. then he parts his lips.

”suguru.”

the boy in question turns towards him. but gojo looks up, instead — eyes set on the roof, like he’s trying to see beyond it. into the comfort of the blue sky. 

suguru hums, a cue for him to follow. and gojo closes his eyes.

”i think… i might be tired.”

silence. no one says a thing.

”i think i’d prefer to stay here,” he admits, a forlorn look in his eyes. tapping his fingers on his knee. ”in the past, like this.”

the scent of jet fuel and summer lies heavy in the air. gojo inhales it, greedy. as if savouring it. trying to make it a part of his being, filling his lungs with sweet nostalgia so it never goes away.

”we could just stay here. together,” he muses, barely above a whisper. there’s a kind of longing to the tilt of his voice, something soft. ”couldn’t we? never moving forward, or back.”

the words taste salty, on his tongue. an ocean breeze. a whisper; ”we could just stay like this.”

suguru’s gaze trails from satoru, down to his lap. his bangs follow the slow movement, silky strands falling over his eye. the chuckle that drifts from his lips doesn’t have much humour to it. 

”haha… you’ve never been the type to stay in one place for too long, satoru.”

gojo clenches his fist.

a moment passes.

”you want me to go back,” he hears himself say, somewhat bitter. ”you want me to go back, and then what? there’s nothing i can do. i’m not the strongest, anymore.”

”you are.” suguru’s voice is firm, decisive. ”you can still win. you know exactly what you need to do. there’s only one way to get out of this.”

gojo sighs. one hand in his hair, tousling it. mildly frustrated. ”… it’s risky.”

”you’re bleeding out.”

”if i do this — i won’t ever be the same.” gojo turns to look at suguru. ”i sure as hell won’t be the strongest, anymore.”

”and would that be such a bad thing?”

silence. the two boys look at each other — one dead, one half-alive, both connected to the other. for eternity. suguru’s eyes are full of understanding, as they look into the blue of satoru’s. 

”there’s always been a gap between you and everyone else. that’s what you said, before. aren’t you tired of it?”

a brief intake of breath. gojo closes his eyes.

that’s right. that aching gap. the solitude that comes with absolute strength — a weight he’s borne all his life. doomed never to connect with others, never to be understood. doomed to always live in the sky, far away from the earth and the ocean.

the title of the strongest. a cross he alone had to bear.

(did he ever really want it? or was he just resigned to it, conditioned from the very beginning?)

the feeling of isolation that’s been haunting him for decades seeps into his skin. the cruel knowledge that no one will ever truly know him; even worse, the knowledge that it’s all for the best. you can admire a flower, and help it bloom, but you can’t ask it to understand you.

such a cruel curse to be born with.

suguru’s voice fills his mind, his senses. the flicker of his cursed energy is gentle, like an ocean wave rolling in right before the sun sets. ”you said it yourself, satoru.” gojo can hear the smile in his voice. ”you love everyone.”

love. it always comes down to that, doesn't it? the greatest curse of them all.

(but he could never bring himself to fully throw it away.)

”there are still people waiting for you, out there,” suguru reminds him. and gojo knows that he’s right.

he still hasn’t buried suguru’s body. that thing is still inside his head, doing god knows what. and his students — they must be fighting sukuna, right now. if he’s lucky, no one’s dead yet. if he’s lucky. then there’s shoko, of course. and ijichi, everyone else from the school.

not just that — the world itself is waiting on him. waiting for him to pass on, so it can crumble away. waiting for him to make it, so he can stitch it back together. 

dying isn’t a luxury satoru gojo can afford. he knows that, he does, but —

(dammit.)

”suguru,” he starts, hesitant. voice more feeble than he ever remembers it sounding. almost childlike, in its uncertainty. “what… should i do, from here on out?” a beat. ”where should i go?”

suguru raises a single eyebrow, and then tilts his head. ”do you really need me to tell you that?” he asks, a little teasing. gojo’s reply is instantaneous.

”i do.”

the airport falls silent, again. 

”i’ll listen to you,” he elaborates, tapping the edge of his chair, absentminded. eyes shining with a glimmer of something awfully tender. ”so… it has to be you.”

suguru inhales, softly — fresh air wafting through his transparent lungs. breathing out in a meek chuckle, with a soft shake of his head. almost in disbelief. ”well, in that case…”

a smile. he meets gojo’s gaze. ”then i think you should go north.”

gojo looks into his eyes. a moment passes, slow, detached from space and time. a moment that matters more than anything. their eyes meet, and in suguru’s eyes, gojo sees a reflection of their youth.

what a shame.

”alrighty, then.”

placing his palms on his knees, the white haired man gets up from his seat. stretching his arms with a soft groan. a sigh flows from his lips, drifting out into the clear air. 

”so much for finally getting a vacation,” he huffs, frowning as he casts a jealous glance at his best friend. ”you dead people have it easy, you know that?”

suguru’s still smiling, but he’s not getting up from his seat. the pa system sounds, again. a little louder this time.

flight to okinawa; departing in six minutes.

a deep breath. air flows into his lungs, and then back out; soaking up the summer air he knows he’ll never quite get a taste of again. no summer will ever feel as warm as this one did.

suguru stays right where he is. young, dead. smiling. the same smile he wore when gojo killed him, framed by the setting sun. the same kind of sunset that’s beginning to form outside the translucent windows of the airport, nostalgic and sweet, dyeing the clouds in a soft pinkish hue.

it’s breathtaking. 

”will i see you?” gojo asks, before he can stop himself. eyes still stuck to the setting sun. ”when everything ends.”

…

suguru chuckles, once more. rueful. gojo thinks it sounds just a bit meek, a little like he’s holding back tears. ”maybe,” he breathes, shrugging halfheartedly. not meeting his eyes. ”who knows?”

it’s not the answer gojo wants to hear. but he’ll take what he can get.

and finally, suguru gets up. slowly, methodically. elegant, in the way he moves, the way he brushes non-existent dust off his baggy pants. smiling, hair swaying softly with the breeze. gojo finds his gaze, and that smile shifts into a lazy grin. one so distinctly suguru that it can’t possibly be just a figment of his imagination. 

”don’t find out too soon,” he quips, teasingly. ”alright?”

a slap. gojo doesn’t see it coming, and it knocks him forward — he stumbles slightly, lanky legs moving clumsily, sunglasses falling off at the impact. his back stings, a little. 

over his shoulder, he looks back at suguru. the boy has a hand raised, and his grin is playful, brimming with warmth. except he’s no longer a boy — now he’s wearing traditional robes, hair much longer, face a little more hardened. but that grin is still the same as ever. gojo thinks he looks almost proud.

”go get ’em, satoru.”

gojo blinks.

the grin that breaks out across his lips, then, is wide. bright, brimming with youth, lighting up every corner of his face. almost overwhelmingly sweet. it envelops his very being, as he stands there, clad in his black compression shirt and baggy pants. hair a little less messy than it was in high school, face a little more hardened — but he hopes his grin, at least, looks the same as ever.

he turns his back on suguru, and puffs out his chest. trying to hide the sappy smile still lingering on his lips, the glassiness of his eyes. his voice comes out loud, cheery, echoing throughout the airport — but still somehow so tender.

”roger that!”

gojo looks ahead. the airport is blurred, a little hazy, but a bright light shines farther up ahead. a beacon for him to follow, one that blinds him if he looks at it for too long. blue, white, golden — the colours of the sky. beckoning him forward, to a familiar place.

he takes one step north.

”ah, satoru. one more thing.”

the sound of suguru’s voice stops him in his tracks. ”hm?” gojo turns on his heel, white hair tousled by the soft breeze. a little confused. ”what is it now?”

suguru grins. the whole airport smells like spring. 

”—, — —.”

…

one long, tender moment passes by. gojo doesn’t even breathe, mouth falling open slightly, in a way that must look comical to the man in front of him.

the airport glimmers like a marble in the sun. transparent, blurred, but still somehow so real. suguru’s words echo in his mind. 

then gojo laughs, the sound bubbling up from his throat like seafoam on a scorching summer day. hearty and deep, coaxed out from the very bottom of his gut — genuine. a little breathless. he can’t wipe away the grin on his face, wouldn’t do it even if he could. his blue eyes crinkle, as he looks at suguru, showing off his dimples and teeth.

”so corny,” he teases. suguru rolls his eyes.

”hey, don’t blame me. this is your imagination.”

a huff slips from his lips. ”yeah, yeah…” gojo waves him off. then he meets his eyes, again, still grinning boyishly. ”i’ll hold you to that, okay?”

”got it,” suguru chirps. ”good luck out there, satoru.”

”pssh. who do you think you’re talking to?”

the men exchange smiles, one final time. funny, how that’s always how their story ends; with a heartfelt smile. even if it’s coated in blood, or nothing more than a figment of their imagination.

then gojo turns around, again, and takes a step forward. not looking back this time. trusting suguru to still be there, watching over him. like always.

the bright light at the end of the airport glimmers, tantalizing, mesmerizing. suguru is right — there’s only one way to get out of this. only one way to make it back alive.

and it’s risky. very much so. it’s a gamble, the greatest one gojo’s ever made, even worse than that time twelve years ago with the reverse cursed technique. 

it’s a gamble, all or nothing.

binding vows are dangerous, fickle things. built on equivalent exchange. give something and get something, of equal value. sacrifice and gain. 

gojo’s thought about it, before. a morbid curiosity.

what could he possibly gain by offering the greatest treasure of the jujutsu world? 

he lifts one hand up, to caress his face. lingering over the skin of his eyelids, now closed. but he can still see the cursed energy around him. burned into his retinas. 

the six eyes. the blessing of sight.

a blessing. a blessing he never once asked for, one he was simply born with. born with all this power, doomed to live above the rest. all for a pair of eyes that never seem to see the things that really matter.

and, really, it’s a gamble.

gojo takes a deep breath, and then one large step forward.

(buddha left the royal life behind him at 29 years of age, he recalls. and then he sought out enlightenment.)

the light comes closer, and closer. lotus flowers bless his path. he takes seven steps forward, and his path blooms out before him; one flower blooming by his feet for every step he takes. seven steps north.

i’ll give you everything, he speaks to the someone watching the world. a god, a natural order, himself — it doesn’t really matter. i’ll give you all six. 

in exchange — 

the light is close, now. so close he can almost touch it. it burns his skin, but he doesn’t falter. he doesn’t look away, eyes seeing through the blindness and reaching out for something. something alive.

don’t let me die, he bargains. give me enough of it to kill him.

i still have things i need to do.

one more step, out of the airport —

(and satoru gojo makes a sacrifice.)

a binding vow is made.

the six eyes dissipate, like vapour drifting off into the darkness of a never-ending cosmos.

when gojo opens his eyes, he’s met with a cold, gray sky. 

the world shifts on its axis before him.

everything looks different. he can’t see, but he can, it’s just not the same as before. it’s naked, and raw, and surface-level. not enough to sink his teeth into.

he can still see cursed energy, feel the flicker of it all around him, but it’s hazy. it’s not clear enough, not enough for him to get a good grasp on — like the world lost its saturation. like everything got tilted slightly to the left. an eerie feeling that something isn’t as it should be.

and wow, okay. this is new.

but gojo parts his lips, weakly, and breathes in — and the air tastes the same as ever. cold, crispy. it fills his lungs and he exhales it through his nose. a human act. a breath of life.

i’m still alive.

it’s an odd feeling, like someone took a heavy weight off his shoulders. like someone stripped him of everything that makes him him. an strange sensation, heavy, entirely impossible to ignore. however —

the gain after the loss hits him almost immediately, embracing him with a burst of cursed energy so violently overwhelming that his sight becomes entirely irrelevant. it devours his very being.

everything becomes a blur. 

— i’ll give you everything. 

so, in exchange…

give me enough cursed energy to go on a good rampage.

the cursed energy within him spikes, so sudden and violent that gojo fears his skin might break open. buzzing like flies inside his veins, a vibrant burst of life, every colour in the universe. all the power one can expect from willingly casting away the greatest jewel of the jujutsu world.

gojo moves his fingers. he can feel them, finally — all limbs intact. positive cursed energy flows from his brain, no longer exhausted beyond comprehension. enough, more than enough to give him access to every possibility within his soul.

belatedly, he realizes that his sight isn’t the only thing that’s been weakened. the control he’s grown so used to having over his cursed energy is dwindling, and fast; that firm grip seems to have left with the six eyes, replaced by a set of shaky hands. gojo has experience, and for now, it’s enough. but he still has to concentrate to contain the nearly overwhelming flicker of his cursed energy, stinging his skin as if it can’t fully be contained by his body anymore. prickling his veins. it feels a little like trying to keep water from running through the gaps between your fingers. 

and he feels naked, in a way, suddenly living without something that defines his very being. a little hollowed out. a little wrong, like someone reached a hand through his ribs and pulled out his heart. 

but damn, does it feel good.

his cursed energy output is all-encompassing. his mind feels more clear than he ever remembers it being, and it’s like the world is at his fingertips. something similar to what he felt twelve years ago, but still so different. 

it isn’t ascension, not even close. quite the opposite. but that feeling of freedom is still so abundant. it’s all he can see before him; endless possibilities. 

twelve years ago, satoru gojo faced a certain man, and rose to the skies. he will never, ever forget it. that flicker of eternal solitude, the burst of overwhelming euphoria. that sense of everything being just right.

twelve years of living in the sky, and now his feet meet the ground, at last.

everything feels different. everything looks different. things won’t be the same, ever again — but maybe, suguru was right. maybe that’s not such an awful thing.

to be reborn. to be given a choice.

gojo opens his eyes, and finally takes in all the sights before him. everything happens in a blur, so fast he can barely catch up — his body acts before his mind, and suddenly he’s face to face with sukuna.

not megumi, but sukuna. fully incarnated.

and he looks displeased. almost frustrated.

”how?” 

the look of pure shock on his face is more satisfying than gojo could ever put into words; the satisfaction of seeing a king fall to his knees.

somewhere in the background, he thinks he hears a cacophony of voices, awfully familiar in a way that has warmth blooming in his chest. the students, he assumes — voices of shock, and something he tentatively recognizes as relief. but he doesn’t have the time to let his guard down, just yet.

(no matter how much he’d like to look back at them and give them a self-assured peace sign, bask in their smiling faces.)

instead, he answers sukuna. ”a binding vow,” he grins, and he thinks he must look a little manic, gesturing towards his eyes with his thumb. ”gave these puppies away. didn’t expect that, did’ya?”

sukuna looks at him, for a second.

then he laughs, loud and ugly, grotesque. taunting. he looks at gojo with something that almost resembles pity, something bordering on disappointment.

”pathetic,” he spits, all teeth. ”what good is living if it’s not at the top?”

gojo simply smiles.

he recalls that one question. eleven years ago, somewhere close to the ruins of the very street he’s standing in now. the question that flipped his entire world upside down.

(are you the strongest because you’re satoru gojo? or are you satoru gojo because you’re the strongest?)

a grin breaks out across his lips. his cursed energy pulsates inside his veins, eager to be let loose, and he takes on a fighting stance. parting his lips to speak, unsure of whose question he’s answering.

”well, we’re about to find out.”

the sky is gray, grayer than ever. even so, all he can see is that familiar shade of blue. as clear as it’s always been, even without the six eyes. 

gojo smiles. 

just keep watching, suguru. 

this time, i definitely won’t lose.

[caluupin]

they have been my brainrot for the past few weeks

this was supposed to be a bit of a drawing buuuut i didn't finish it so i just colored it a bit and called it a day

[sylhea-raemi]

the nero and airi connection is so important it's not just bcs theyre my faves

[interstellarbookofflowers]

happy points

i prioritized myself and moved a consultation online rather than commuting for over an hour to the city

im editing my playlists and adding cute covers to them and also reminiscing over songs id forgotten about!

hozier. that's it, thats the whole point.

i am slowly getting into writing again! hopefully ill make sth half decent, maybe continue where i left off

[homingpigecns]

.

[foursaints]

YAYYYYYY ITS PETER TIME im always thinkin abt that horrible little Freaque im glad to see him being represented w all his evil ingenue swag (+ not as either the fat funny friend or 'no one rlly cared about him to begin with :/')

id love to know more of your thoughts on the betrayal / how he interacts w the other death eaters !!

to me the key part of the betrayal is: you have to have a GIANT ego to act as pathetic as peter does.

it’s that orson welles quote: “He is arrogant. Like all people with timid personalities, his arrogance is unlimited. Anybody who speaks quietly and shrivels up in company is unbelievably ­arrogant. He acts shy, but he’s not. He’s scared. He hates himself, and he loves himself, a very tense situation.”

i think he genuinely sees himself as above the other marauders, as cleverer, despite all evidence to the contrary. it’s because his private internal world (where he keeps his ugliness, his roiling jealousy, his manipulative tendencies) is so well-hidden and untainted that it feels sacred to him.

yes they look down on him, and he lets them, but they’ve never glimpsed the REAL peter. they don’t know what he’s capable of <- this mentality is how he copes with his existence.

normally i would say that this is a delusion of grandeur developed to cope with the material reality of being inadequate… except peter actually DID get the last fucking laugh! i think this arrogance is central to his character & is the reason he would authentically get along with the death eaters better.

[angelyuji]

jaime reyes bf headcanons (+yandere)

jaime reyes x gn!reader yandere headcanons under the cut warnings (under the cut): kidnapping, stealing, manipulation (from scarab), stalking when i talk abt scarab, i'm talking young justice scarab btw

jaime reyes is the type to spray all of your clothes with his cologne, so you (and everyone else) can smell him 24/7

he’s the type to carry your books or your bags if you mention in passing that you were kinda tired

if you’re out on a date with jaime and he sees your eyes linger on something, he immediately goes back to buy whatever you looked at

he knows what color matches your skin, so if he’s getting you guys matching jewelry (and he mostly def would) he would get the right color for your skin

and also going off of this, he knows if you were bracelets, necklaces, earrings, etc like he knows your preferences and tastes so well bro im GONNA BE VIOLENTLY ILL

jaime would always offer to study with you, but would most def get distracted and try to make out with you

LIKE he starts off by making it so with every right answer, he gives you kiss and then things get heated ykkkkkkk ;)

his family absolutely adores you too like his mom constantly cooks for you and teaches you recipes, his grandma teaches you how to sew, his uncle and his dad are chill with you, and you’re best friends with his sister like ong you’re one of them.

scarab would most def by suspicious of you at first cuz why tf are you the only thing that jaime thinks about (it’s insufferable)

but once it realizes that you’re not a threat, he’s chill with you

if you know that jaime is blue beetle, you def mess around with scarab, but you guys team up to make fun of jaime (obviously jaime is telling you what scarab is saying until you guys team up then he refuses to talk)

jaime is such a cutie, he’s a total flirt when you guys meet, but once u guys start dating, he’s totally shy and like asks for permission to hold your hands and to kiss you until he gets more comfortable then hes literally all over you OIABGIEUWop

yall know that tiktok trend with that scene from ?100 days of summer? where one person goes “i love the smiths” and the other goes, “what?” “i love the smiths.” and then the other person like pulls you into a kiss and ot4ro;twf’gb’o its so you and jaime OPNF:OEJP if anyone wants a ref video lmk ill post it <3

yandere :)

jaime reyes was kinda totally normal abt u before the scarab

like yes, he knows ur entire schedule, where you live, and takes candid blurry pictures of you from across the hall or smth (very girl of him) (i knew a girl who did this exact thing for a guy she liked like honestly it was so insane i was really concerned abt her)

but he would never like act on it, he was very self-aware abt it like he knew he was lowkey acting insane

untillll scarab showed up, obviously he had forgotten abt his crush on you while he was in college (GOTHAM UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but now that you’re both graduated and back home. jaime gets to see you again every time he passes your workplace on his way to work. now that he gets to see you, his obsession with you is back and THREE THOUSAND times worse becuz of monsieur scarab

scarab feeds into jaime’s delusions that you’re both meant to be with each other, his sister tries to make him understand that his feelings are like super concerningly weird asf, but scarab knows that if jaime is obsessed with you to an extreme, it could make jaime easier to manipulate, so it tells jaime that his sister doesn’t understand, but you know who does? the alien attached to his back

jaime would break into your room/apartment (whether you’re staying with ur parents or nah) he would smell your clothes, your soaps and lotions, your bed cover

total underwear stealer imo like he saw the opportunity and is going for it honestly i respect it

he’d try to work up the courage to ask you out, and he’s so smooth with it and (obviously) you say yes

first things are calm yk, but as your relationship progresses (very fast), you see a lot of the red flags and try to exit stage left

but jaime’s not down for that like you’re the love of his life, however he lets you go cuz he’s got a plan

he preps the old blue beetle base and straight up kidnaps you

he’d have you tied up cuz you were putting up a fight and you’d watch as jaime fucking panics and paces back and forth yk

jaime’s not the type to hurt you, so he’s very sweet with you. even when you toss your food at his head, slap him, kick him, yell at him, it doesn’t matter. he’ll take it cuz he can’t bear the thought of hurting you

he still won’t let you go tho

scarab reassures him, now that you’re here, you can’t leave him. you won’t ever get hurt.

[compassionatereminders]

Hiii paranoid delusional anon. So— some examples;

- I have had constant reoccurring obsessive issues with thinking somebody is stalking me / stalking my socials and is going to try and become my friend to air my bad opinions out and get me canceled.

- for a solid. God. I don’t even know, literally years- I was CONVINCED I had a specific Illness despite no evidence and was constantly searching for evidence. The delusion only went away when I ACTUALLY got the Illness and was treated for it

- constantly freaked out thinking I have cancer. If a limb hurts for a few days, I genuinely start seriously stressing abt the logistics of trying to get evaluated for cancer.

- this only happened once but I had a massive breakdown once and thought there was cameras in my room. I also used to be very paranoid of my webcam

- I often think people are talking about me behind my back and constantly ruminate on this but honestly this is kind of normal on par with my BPD / normal anxiety I think ??

- on some socials , I have to change so much about myself out of the fear that I’ll be recognized as me and be outed for things I said on that social, that I go through the lengths of not just using a pseudonym but using different pronouns, using a different typing style and even talking about some media I don’t like to make things seem… not like me. So I can express myself properly without it being linked to me ..

- constantly have issues where I will think about death before bed OBSESSIVELY and am CONVINCED I will die in my sleep. Leads to many sleepless nights until I pass out from exhaustion and a lot of weird notes written for my family ‘incase I’m found in the morning’

- if anyone is walking behind me in public for . A little too long… I start seriously freaking out. Even on long single direction sidewalks. It honestly makes going outside a nightmare because I constantly feel like I’m being followed

- I can’t talk in public to my friends. The fact other people can hear what I say makes me feel insane in ways I can’t even describe it makes me so so scared. For them to hear private conversations and hear my thoughts on things without me being aware, it scares me so much.

All in all. Clearly this isn’t NORMAL but is this more.. extreme anxiety / agoraphobia or ??? And ontop of that. Does it mean anything that I can be aware something is UNLIKELY rationally but am still feeling all the Emotions as if it is 100% fact and will still like. Believe it? If that makes sense? Can you believe sometning while rationalizing it’s unlikely?? I always feel so aware of how ridiculous im being but there’s always the 1% chance and aaa it makes me feel crazy. Anyways thank you for any advice Kat

Whether it's mainly caused by OCD, a psychotic disorder or a personality disorder, I'd personally say that "delusions" are the right word for at least some of the above. It definitely isn't normal experiences.

[nori-the-cat]

honestly the pretty fans thing is sooooo stupid like honestly they’re just men who sing and dance for a living of course they can find people attractive like I get fans may think that bcs they’re gorgeous idols who are surrounded by an industry of gorgeous people and gorgeous girls that they may not find regular people like their fans pretty but men will literally always be men no shit if she’s objectively pretty Anton could have been like oh she’s pretty or oh she’s cute like ?????? he’s a 20 year old boy (and I think in that video op is also 20 years old? I’ve seen the video and her age in her bio btw, of which I saw her clip with audio where she was like “oh we are the same age”) like u have to think logically that if she can be considered pretty in the eyes of other 20 year old guys then anton probably thinks the same lmao. Doesn’t mean he’s surrounded by pretty people means the threshold to be considered pretty is higher like idk I feel like the question is so superficial and tbh the discourse surrounding the video was kinda disrespectful to op and anton like he has had so many dating scandals this year and people were even accusing her of trying to get him into a scandal and even shipping them? Like ok yeah if u think they have chemistry is fine but I think power dynamics of him being an idol and her being a fan just makes it weird even if like they may be the same age but yeah that’s just my thoughts bcs men will be men

again…anon i have no idea which video ure talking abt and which account or what bio bcuz my chronically offline ass is not always keeping up with the internet (o_o;)

BUT i agree with everything you said. This me reading ur take:

Disclaimer, im not attacking the first anon/OP that asked the question about male idols thinking n finding their fans pretty. That question to me is normal. But,

Here’s my take from this situation:

Men will be men. No matter how young or old they are. A pretty woman to them is a PRETTY WOMAN.

youre not everyone’s type. so dont feel jealous if ur bias dont or wont find u pretty/physically attractive

let people have their own little delusions as long as it’s still safe and within the boundaries

even if anton’s dating allegations are true. Let the MAN date.

Learn some critical thinking before we do something and dont make quick assumptions

If we do assume. it’s okay to assume but dont be mean or a hater.

male idols are JUST men with a job, makeup, and probably exceptional skills in dancing, singing, and their public image is well curated. Give anton some slack. He’s a rookie. He will make mistakes after mistakes.

To the people being mean and disrespectful to OP. Are/were u mad at op for posting the video? Or are u mad that op is pretty AND she posted the video?

Again, men will be men. The society makes women feel a sense of acceptance when a man think they’re pretty.

let’s just move on now. Im pretty sure op is traumatised now 😭

Btw my bias is sohee and eunseok…so i dont engage with other members fanaccount LMAO (´ . .̫ . `)

[tadpolesonalgae]

this is gonna be so random but..

thoughts on gwynlain? 🤭

OKAY OKAY HEAR ME OUT

besides the fact that i have the chronic disease that is whenever im presented with popular highly fandom competitive hetero ships i get the irresistible urge to ship the women together just out of lesbian spite.

i think their relationship could be pretty interesting 👀👀 like ur in a rough patch with ur sister whom u had a pretty decent relationship w ur entire life until u both went thru traumatizing events and one day ur sister is hanging out with a pretty red haired girl who coincidentally has a potential Thing going on with the same guy that you also have a potential Thing going on with and she seems to get along with the current version of your sister who's trying to heal from everything that's happened meanwhile everytime u and ur sister have a convo it seems to end in jagged words getting thrown at each other so everything abt pretty red haired girl makes u a bit uncomfortable and weirdly tense But then u realize that pretty red haired girl is also just trying to gain back control in her life after traumatizing events in her life which is exactly what you've been trying to do and-

.......... so yea i have the delusional talent of convincing my brain that any potential tension between two female characters is just groundwork for ✨️ sexual tension ✨️

‘thoughts on gwynlain? 🤭’

Girl I have so many feelings I don’t want to open this can of worms 🫠🥞

‘OKAY OKAY HEAR ME OUT’

I would never try to silence you on this topic 😌

‘besides the fact that i have the chronic disease that is whenever im presented with popular highly fandom competitive hetero ships i get the irresistible urge to ship the women together just out of lesbian spite.’

Okay, I know almost exactly what you mean but I don’t think it’s a spiteful thing at all? Even in the modern day you don’t get lesbian/gay/queer romance in shows or films as frequently as straight romance (naturally because of heteronormativity so they’ll likely prove to be more appealing to the general public), and that absence was much more obvious in the past? When we would have been growing up too?

Anyway, I think it might just be our way of compensating for the lack of shows that openly show queer relationships through creating our own ships in fanon? So I think it’s a normal thing to think about honestly :)

‘i think their relationship could be pretty interesting 👀👀’

I already liked them before your explanation but now my brain is melting 🫠 I’d already been feeling weirdly sapphic for the past few days and this has just fully launched me into the depths of it 😭 I would love to read a book with those two in but I doubt that’ll happen so I’m holding out for an Emerie book ☹️

And oh my goodness have you seen that gwynlain fanart?? Where they’re baking together??? It makes me so happy (I’m going to try and find it because I know I’ve seen it recently)

‘.......... so yea i have the delusional talent of convincing my brain that any potential tension between two female characters is just groundwork for ✨️ sexual tension ✨️’

I am fully in support of your argument, continue your delusion please 🫠🧡💛

And also I think it’s more productive to have a positive outlook between them rather than a negative one that I think the ship wars have contributed to 🫠

[meili-sheep]

oughh what if Diluc's mom is apart of the hexinzirkel(I am not spelling it ever again)

I know this is the if Diluc's mom was there they would have such a good relationship so think abt this as an au of sorts

SOME SPOILERS BEWARE!!

Oh god!!! And Remember the letters found in the Diluc skin event???? Of Alice asking in them that bc he takes good care of Klee that he wont mind that he is regarded as her own???

No im not saying Alice is his mom BUT WHAT IT SAYING IS!!! Diluc's mom (Calling her Umbra so i wont have to type it all out) is never mentioned even ONCE

And the lore vid of the hexinzirkel has like, a teacup and teapot that has the exact same design as the one in Dawn Winery!!!

And how does Alice KNOW HIM FROM A YOUNG AGE??? Bc she's never mentioned in Diluc's lines and that the letter implies she met him when he was young!!!

And ohhh god Diluc and Klee have interacted b4 and he takes good care of her... and he has a mischevious devious and trouble maker streak imagine if Klee got the idea of fish blasting from Kaeya recounting childhood stories of he and Diluc's shenanigans as bedtime stories for Klee...

Sure Klee calls him a weird grownup, but she sounds genuinely curious why Diluc is 'weird' compared to the other adults in Klee's life like the knights of Favonious who are supposed to be formal bc theyre well, also in charge of diplomacy

In Klee's eyes, Diluc is a weird grownup because his behavior is so so contradicting compared to everyone else. Kids are very perceptive afterall, so Klee could notice that Diluc is mischevious and a troublemaker behind the scenes but his face shows no sign that he is

Ouhh got off track but anyways--

Imagining Diluc calling Alice 'Aunt' but she butts in and tells him to call her 'Mom'

Maybe Umbra did something or got too absorbed in her circle of expertise with the Irminsul and thats why Diluc never mentions her

Also the delusion seems less of a fatui or abyss thing to me... instead more of an heirloom.

Like!! Why was Crepus looking like he was planning to give it to Diluc?? ON HIS EIGHTEENTH BDAY???

And it doesnt work like other delusions!!! The other delusions have an ELEMENT but this one has BLACK FLAMES AND CHAINS AND MAGIC CIRCLES

anyways thank u for coming to another one of...

-Leyline! Anon's Insane ramblings are back babey!!!!

So I am 100% on board with Diluc's mother being Hexinzirkel. Like there is a video. This one. Where they not only point out how the teapot is in the dawn winery, but the pattern on the teapot is not only on the dawn winery carpet but on Diluc's jacket.

Then there is the Diluc's star broach in the manga, which matches the Hexinzirkel star.

Especially considering the star and the teapot were things in the center frame.

So we are past the realm of coincidence in my book, even before Alice watches Diluc for a while and takes him in when Crepus dies. It would sort of raise the question of why she might not be more involved in his life if she's a sister of Diluc's mom. But I feel that could easily be explained by well safety reasons. You don't want to draw too much attention to it. Specially if she really wanted to settle down and live a normal life. Alice is just honoring her wishes.

This also makes me wonder if there is something biological in visions. Like Diluc being a possible Hexinzirkel child and probably got his vision around Klee's age. Do you see the line I'm making here? My theory is that there is a certain about of harmony you do have to have with elemental energy to get a vision and maybe having a powerful witch as a mother helped that?

As for the delusion, Diluc's delusion has always been different. So I got two ideas (Outside of Crepus getting it from the fatui in some way)

One. Diluc's mom stole it from the fatui, learning about their delusion research. Maybe figuring it would be best to delay their plans a little bit. So the Delusion is an early stage, one that His mom was playing around with, trying to figure out or "fix."

Two. Diluc's mom made it. And it's not a true delusion. At least not a Fatui one. This would sort of explain why Dottore, who should have known about delusions didn't recognize it at one of there's. And Crepus couldn't use it because well he simply couldn't handle the elemental energy in it. But Diluc could which is why it never backfired. And that works with your heirloom idea.

The only hiccup with that idea is the webcomic. But I don't recall if they were saying where that piece of the journal came from or who it was from that told them Crepus had the delusion.

And well, now It's sort of got me wanting to write more Alice and Diluc or Diluc and his mom, to be honest

[victimized-martyr]

hi❤ i love your blog and your tags 🥺❤ could you share a list of your favorite kyman fanfics plz

WAAAA thank you!!! 😭✨

The Stag Prince is a fandom classic. It’s south park’s stick of truth meets swan princess. I’m usually adverse to aus, but this was so true to the source material in terms of dialogue and tone that I couldn’t help but fall in love. It’s incredibly funny, all the characters get their moment to shine, it’s a really well crafted story overall. 

Put The Fire Out on Us is another fandom classic, still being written! who knew the push Kyle and Cartman needed was them getting stranded in the woods together, eh?? 

Slam Dunk is kyman being insufferable boyfriends. Kenny and Stan are there (silently fighting for their lives). 

I. LOVE Hands . Tt’s rare that I find a canon aged kyman fic that manages to capture the complexities of their dynamic. As friends, as rivals, as…. “something”. 

Leonard Cohen, Bruh : Fixit fics for Post Covid are in criminally short supply. Rainbow_convection fuckin delivers!

Hypothermia Love fics where Cartman’s obsession over their rivalry shines. A good demonstration of what ppl mean when they say the difference between love and hate is a fine line.

get up, get up, (wake up, wake up) I adore numbknees’ writing, and it’s an absolute honor this was inspired by my silly kyman rants about Cartman’s sa trauma that affects how he canonically views sex and love. I assure you, I’ve read it a normal amount. 

Creep is not an absolute fav, but I really like stan’s characterization in this fic, especially when the author goes into detail about how he processes his thoughts and his aversion to change. (I know, weird thing to love in a kyman centric fic). I also love the exchange between kyman halfway thru the story. 

Know Your Enemy : Be not afraid of the tags! Remember that South Park itself has done far more crude, and inappropriate things. It’s incredibly vulgar, with so much heart. Just like South Park itself. What I love most about the fic is how elsen is able to put Cartman’s delusions and twisted logic into words, and for Kyle, his rigidity and tendency to justify every single thing he does into words. Both are unreliable narrators, but the reader is able to see through their bullshit all the same. What a gift of a fic. I can’t wait to see where it goes. 

Kyle is a B : The world doesn’t have enough Married Kyman Shenanigans! And what a shame. This fic also stays true to  the craziness of the show (the fact the the underpants gnomes are referenced, just 🤌🏼 that’s an instant win in my book) You can definitely tell they’ve been married for over 10 years in this fic. so so good.

The Rules focuses more on their mutual obsession, the hopelessly-intertwined-for-better-or-worse aspects of their dynamic. 

Green Eyed is playful jab at the skinny cartman trope, and how Kyle would react to a skinny cartman. 

Vice Versa approaches the switched bodies trope earnestly and so beautifully and gets kyman to understand each other better and also reflect on themselves. Delicious character deep dive. Also, it’s damn hilarious. 

Bella Note Kyman, from Stan’s perspective!!! 

Jew Magic Saves the Day Takes place right after the scene in s7 where Cartman wakes up next to a naked Ben Affleck. Can you tell I love fics where Kyle makes Cartman feel safe ghfjkdh 

Seriously : Protective boyfriend Kyle my beloved.  

Ashtray : I am absolutely WEAK for the religious themes in Kyman works. The paragraph detailing Cartman’s revelation is something that sticks with me to this day. I get chills.

How To Live a Lie is a really well crafted fixit for the mess that was season 20. No heiman necessary. Honestly after reading this I was pretty upset that the show never went down this route because it even addressed Kyle’ arc abt giving up gay speeches? Like im still upset the show hasn’t fixed that yet. Damn I love this fic. 

[my-traumacore-sideblog]

vent post abt a piece of media from a fandom i don't usually cross tag my posts w so just a quick heads up, this blog is 1 i use 4 venting abt stuff, mainly so i can just kinda scream into the void abt stuff that's upsetting me, this isn't a debate blog even abt fandom opinion stuff since this is more abt "this triggered a negative mental health reaction in me bc im mentally ill and i need 2 talk abt that" and the validity of my mental health reactions to put it simply is just not up for debate, especially on this blog, the reason that im cross tagging instead of just leaving this in the vent tags is more as a kind of warning to others who might have a similar reaction to this piece of media as i did, kinda like doesthedogdie.com ig, by cross tagging i can mayb give any1 who might hav a similar reaction 2 me a heads up b4 they c the piece of media

cross tagging also w the madpunk and neuropunk tags bc of stuff that triggered my mental health symptoms and ppl in those tags would probably also b most wanting a heads up and those tags r also 4 ranting abt ableism

cross tagging also w the cripplepunk tag bc of the ableist content that triggered me relating 2 physical disability and that tag being also 4 ranting abt ableism

ok onto the rant/vent post

so i recently decided 2 mayb try getting into the horror genre, usually it's smth that i stay away from since i get scared p easily but my bf really likes horror and also i sometimes enjoy stuff that isn't what most ppl would consider "traditional horror" like if i look away during the gore scenes and i avoid the episode about food since ik what happens in it and that it'll be very triggering for me i actually really enjoy the series "don't hug me im scared" mainly because of the way it portrays disability and imo especially autism and personality disorders as smth that while not inherently bad can make the world u live in more challenging and feel like ur in a horror show if u hav them and try 2 interact w normal society in any way, this is smth i can heavily relate 2 from experience and it felt very validating 2 c that portrayed in a piece of media, it helped me feel seen in a way that couldn't rly be done without horror or horror elements, i also noticed that i enjoyed watching breaking bad as a sort of character study of walter white and jesse pinkman, im aware that breaking bad isn't technically categorised as a horror but given the gore and the psychological elements with everything that happens to jesse i would personally say it could be seen as sort of a psychological slasher comedy, i also recently saw a tiktok about how there was a lot of queer readings of some of the classic horror franchises and a character that was mentioned was chucky, i looked up a list of all the chucky movies in order with a brief description of what happened in them and once i realised how ridiculous the plot got then i knew it was probably something i would enjoy, i already knew i loved campy horror from watching rocky horror picture show and the heather's stage musical, both of which are still favourites of mine, now i knew it was a slasher still so i asked my boyfriend to watch with me, he loves horror and knows all about practical effects so i thought that if it got too much for me then he could help reassure me by explaining how the practical effects are done as sort of a reality check thing

[incoming spoilers 4 basically the entire franchies]

so we watched the first ever childs play movie together online and honestly i was hooked, i loved the silly explanation of how chucky got in the doll, which as some1 who commonly has delusions abt toys (especially dolls and other toys that hav movable joints ect) being alive (thanks 4 that 1 toy story) it was actually genuinely reassuring in a weird way that the only way that happened was bc chucky actively chose 2 put himself into the body of a doll and that its not that the doll was just inherently alive somehow, i loved the dynamic between andy and his mum, i loved the camera work that made u rly feel 4 chucky while he was being tossed around by ppl that didn't know he was a person, i loved the ridiculous special effects and deaths that took me out of the immersion but honestly in the best way possible, heck i even loved how no1 believed andy or the mum abt chucky bc it was done in a way that was clearly meant 4 u 2 sympathise w those characters, it was actually reassuring 2 c a film that (even if only indirectly) was still sympathising w ppl w my condition, personally i c child's play 1 as its own separate movie and i rly enjoyed it, i like 2 think that andy and his mum ran away and left the country and that the rest of the movies are a separate timeline where they didn't leave but that's just my headcanons

child's play 2 and 3 i don't have much to say on, they were good movies and it's nice that for the most part from what i can remember chucky's ire is mostly aimed at authority figures unless the situation specifically calls for him to make an exception, i did also like how the 3rd 1 was aimed a lot on the topic of sexism against men in the military

bride of chucky and seed of chucky i absolutely loved, probably second only to the first movie, i loved the silly campy mess of it all, i also liked how they acknowledged that chucky essentially has a really weird form of dwarfism now (weird bc he's literally in the body of an actual doll which just doesn't happen irl) it was something that i noticed in the 1st movie that i kinda related 2 and saw him being a doll partly as coding 4, the coding was strong in bride of chucky imo w tiff literally treating him like a child, putting him in a locked playpen ect, i found it interesting that he killed tiff mainly 2 put her in his shoes and as revenge 4 her being ableist 2 him, i also really resonated w glen/glenda in seed of chucky having 2 deal w their parents having very strict views on gender 2 the point of them seemingly having a DID split bc of it, pretty sure i literally did that at one point b4 realising that im trans bc of how weird my bio parents were abt gender stuff and had a bunch of expectations on me 2 b a girl but specifically a more masc presenting girl,,, which didn't work out since im kinda a fem/masc nonbinary trans guy who uses cute things as a comfort, idk it was kinda cathartic seeing that represented, as 4 the "murder = addiction" plotline, while yes it was used 4 comedic effect as some1 who has an addictive personality and knows that addiction can go beyond substances it was imo very in character 4 chucky and tiff, i can 100% believe that 4 chucky and tiff killing would b smth that they would become addicted 2 and i found it genuinely interesting as a character study, also it talked abt how ppl can b weirdly morally judgy when it comes 2 addiction, like tiff who has killed ppl is getting mad at chucky 4 doing so bc of the framing now of it being an addiction which,,, yeah, that's p accurate 2 how ppl talk abt addiction, ppl can b doing the exact same thing as u but when they do it its okay and suddenly when u do it its u doing smth morally wrong bc of u having an addiction

oh boy, this is when 4 me things went rly down hill, curse of chucky,,,, idk, ive heard the theory that it's just a nightmare that chucky is having and honestly yeah i can c that being the case mayb since none of it actually makes sense within the timeline also chucky is wildly out of character here imo, also y does this girl live in a mansion but hav the worst wheelchair? also y is there no back up generator 4 power cuts if she needs 2 use a lift 2 get 2 the next floor, also y did they decide chucky is a creepy stalker incel now? also this movie was kinda sadistic in comparison 2 the previous movies tbh, also chucky taking advantage of his victim being in a wheelchair to move her around the house where he wanted and pushing her off the stairs was just uncomfortable, chucky having a pregnant hostage in a flashback was uncomfortable also none of this was in character, like b4 this movie the only relationship we had seen him be in was w tiff and he literally loves seeing her murder so much he proposed 2 her bc of it and yeah there was the whole "he's a very jealous boyfriend" part of bride of chucky but,,, he was literally fine with just hanging out until she decided to bring up him killing this guy and she was very clearly into him killing this guy, it legitimately makes no sense to me from a character writing perspective that he would actually do the weird sunflowers hostage scene, now i can see this making sense if it was a nightmare that chucky was having, that he was thinking on his actions and worried that he made it seem like he wanted tiff to be in his shadow in their convo in the last movie (seed of chucky) so this is his brain worrying that this is how he comes of ect, but i shouldn't need to apply the "it was all a dream" hc 2 make a movie watchable

i skipped cult of chucky and the 2019 childs play reboot as i knew both would b very triggering 4 me given the subject matter

the chucky tv series

i actually legit hated this one, this is the 1 that made me write this whole thing, okay so, 1st of all im gay so no its not bc of the main character being a gay guy, im also a gay guy and i rly liked the idea of chucky being a queer ally after the seed of chucky movie and after having some time away from his family 2 think on things, like i mentioned earlier the idea of chucky being queer positive was partly what got me into this franchise, i rly loved the "im not a monster jake" scene where chucky basically says that just bc he's a serial killer doesn't mean he's queerphobic, as comedic as it is 4 chucky 2 say he's not a monster given that he's a serial killer i found it a genuinely funny and in character moment i 100% think chucky would fucking say that after the seed of chucky movie

i liked that chucky was trying to encourage the kids 2 stand up 4 themselves against their abusive family members and bullies (albeit in his own way)

hell i didn't even hate the idea that chucky just doesn't get that murder isn't smth that most ppl enjoy, i just found it kinda interesting, the idea that he's trying 2 genuinely bond w ppl but just doesn't rly hav a good grasp on how 2 do that but in a very comedy slasher over the top way

i liked that he was a fan of the peter pan books but as horror books, since yeh those books were kinda twisted and i can see chucky liking those as a kid bc of that

it's a damn shame that that's all i liked abt the series

okay so let's start w the false advertising of the genre, i tried this 1 since when i looked it up 2 c if it was meant 2 b a proper horror or more of a slasher comedy like the bride of chucky and seed of chucky the results that came up were saying it was a slasher comedy,,, i don't think this is accurate 4 the most part tbh, like i can think of maybe a handful of moments that were mayb a slasher comedy but imo the majority of the series is just straight up horror, especially when the tiff and nika stuff starts (we will fuking get 2 that later omfg)

4 some reason chucky kills just 4 the lols now? no real rhyme or reason 2 it which tbh just takes away from the character imo especially given that he keeps trying to convince the kids that he only kills ppl that "deserve it" but like,,,, yeah no in the show that's basically shown 2 b a lie, which is weird given that 4 the most part previously he mainly focused on authority figures, especially those that were abusing their authority

multiple chucky's now 4 some reason ig? yeah idk, it was kinda fun at first bc it's kinda ridiculous but like,,, tbh it just makes me remember how fun bride of chucky and seed of chucky were and it makes me wanna watch those instead of this shit

multiple tiffs now?,,,, why? like okay but why? her whole thing in seed of chucky was not wanting 2 b a doll anymore so y is doll tiff there when there's also human tiff? explanation pls? idk makes no sense 2 me but im assuming probably some shit happened in cult of chucky which i didn't watch

okay onto the main reason i made this post

MASSIVE TW 4 ABLEIST WRITING BTW

absolutely fuck the way that this show wrote tiff and nika in this, like holy shit i thought curse of chucky was uncomfortable but ig i hadn't seen anything yet, y did this new writer make the character of nika just 2 torture her? like okay chucky and nika in the same body 4 some reason, sure y not ig, kinda sucks that they r confirming that curse of chucky wasn't a nightmare in the canon timeline ig but whatever, chucky can walk in nika's body somehow???? no???? like she can't walk bc of a physical condition not a psychological 1 so that makes no fucking sense, like i could understand it if it was a psychological condition but in curse of chucky it's confirmed 2 b her heart so that makes no sense

tiff is into nika) okay sure, seed of chucky made it already seem like tiff was bi so why not

tiff prefers nika over chucky) okay? doesn't make much sense 2 me since she seemed 2 be into him being her serial killer husband but sure maybe she's kinda over him now idk

tiff stuffs nika in the trunk of her car like a hostage and takes her to move into the place where nika's family was killed) ummm.... what!?

tiff keeps nika a hostage and drugs her when she escapes) ew wtf, yeah that's legit really uncomfortable

BIG TW 4 ABLEIST WRITING JUMPSCARE U HAV BEEN WARNED

at the end of season 1 there's a sudden reveal that tiff cut off nikas legs and arms "so chucky couldn't use nika's body 2 hurt her" no. just no. there was literally no reason 4 this, she could hav used the amulet from the entire rest of the story 2 just transfer chucky's soul into smth else or some1 else and then killed that person, seed of chucky made it canon that u can in chucky lore put different parts of a soul into different bodies as we c w glen and glenda, just put the chucky soul into a different body and kill that person tiff ur a serial killer like wtf? there was no actual plot reason 4 this and it was completely unnecessary shock value in this show that i would like 2 remind u is supposed 2 b a slasher comedy not a traditional horror, as a wheelchair user i know how much we rely on our arms 2 get around and yeah, this one hurt and completely put me off the entire show, also as some1 who has trauma from ppl (bio parents, teachers, medical workers) pretending 2 b nice and pretending that they r doing smth 4 my own good just so they can get me where they want me so they can hurt me and often taking advantage of me being disabled in order 2 do that this genuinely triggered me, like in an actual trauma way, i had a crying, screaming panic attack 4 like 3 hours while my boyfriend tried 2 comfort me, there was literally no need 4 this 2 b written into this story that again, is supposed 2 b a slasher comedy, this was not slasher comedy, also it was this scene after everything else that has me genuinely convinced that this writer just made the character of nika because he wanted to torture a fictional wheelchair user because he hates disabled people i guess or at the very least he clearly sees us as less deserving of sympathy than non-disabled people, anyway from what i've googled it doesn't seem like things get any better in season 2 and tbh im just not gonna watch this anymore, it sucks bc i rly liked the og chucky movies and got rly hyperfixated on them so now i can't stop thinking abt it and i keep thinking of that 1 scene and it's basically stuck in my head 4 rn also great work from don ig in triggering my fucking cotards delusion for the first time in literal years when i thought i had managed 2 get it mostly under control, fucking cunt :)

so yeah this tv show single handedly turned me away from the horror genre and from the chucky franchies which i previously had enjoyed bc it was that fucking bad and weirdly fixated on turning disabled suffering into a spectacle

TL;DR

don't fucking watch anything after seed of chucky if ur disabled and especially don't watch the chucky tv series it sucks and i hate it and now the thing i had previously been enjoying is utterly ruined 4 me and it's literally made my symptoms actively worse

[schizosupport]

Hi!! I dont know where else to go but im suspecting i may be on the schizo spectrum? Or at least just wondering way too hard. And i have no where to look into more trustworthy specifics besides brief nformation about the common disorders (that i dont really think i fit into at all btw but then again im undiagnosed with everything so im forced to rawdog it and come to conclusions on my own) and no where to find information about specific symptoms that can be overlooked as "normal behavior"

I have psychosis and its been like this since 2018, slowly growing, getting more intense i guess especially during a traumatic event that happened a few years ago *really* increased my delusions. Thats the only primary thing i experience i believe, but now looking back i am unsure if i experience some level of hallucinations as well like thinking im seeing flies n such fly around me trying to bother me or bugs crawling near me in the corner of my eye. Though it may be because im sleepy or something as i like to stay up a lot! And maybe because ive dealt with annoying flies one too many times that im just paranoid abt dealing w them now.

this thought has been on my mind for a while (mainly speaking in terms of hallucinations) but recently i saw a post on twitter about someone asking if other people "have intense fear of monsters or the dark" before going into deph about how her brain is constantly afraid of her life will turn into a horror movie. Like "what if a zombie breaks into my house" and her brain imagining scary scenarios that genuinely terrify her when she does anything. And reading that sounds very familar to something ive experienced even to this day, esp if im alone at night or alone n looking into another room thats dimly lit.

I really do understand her fear of closing her eyes n seeing scary scenarios. Ive noticed ive weirdly been seeing stuff too, mainly faces and eyes that i would see when watching analog horror and it *really* terrifies me and makes me think that ive somehow spawned it in real life (esp if i think about it too much)

Sorry if this is too long. I normally do this when im rly stumped abt whatever brain thing i got n no google search can help me. I guess im just lookimg for some insight. Thanks! <3

"Also forgot to clarify that the person is recently discovering/coming to terms with that shes schizospec too so thats why upon reading that im pretty much going "....huh!" Bec this implies this may not be normal (i mean of course not but. Never really bothered to say or think anything about it until now)"

Hi there anon! I'm glad you're reaching out, and I hope I can help you a little on your way!

What you're describing, intense fear of hypothetical scenarios and "closed eye hallucinations" are both things that I can definitely relate to as constants in my life. I don't have enough information from just this ask to say whether your experiences are full blown delusional/psychotic, but regardless, it sounds like it's taking a toll on you, and have been getting worse. It's common for this type of experience to worsen with stress, so it's no wonder it worsened when you were going through something traumatic.

When I first talked to a psychiatrist about some of my beliefs, they wrote something that I later found kind of interesting, that some of my beliefs were like those of a scared child. As if I had never quite learned how to regulate that type of fear and my imagination would get the better of me. I don't know if your experience is anything like that, but from the way you described it, I thought that might be relatable to you.

The line between fear, anxiety and psychosis can be hard to define. One thing I've learned is that most people with "pure anxiety" are not having anxiety about bizarre or paranoid things, but about more mundane matters that have been blown out of proportion. But obviously there's variability. But I remember when I met my partner of now... 9 years ...? I wasn't diagnosed with anything yet, and we were both like "yeah I have anxiety" and thought we knew what the other meant by that. And then they were confused when I was like "yeah I'm anxious that the spirit of the lamp will steal my soul, and that people are putting poisoned coins in public spaces". But like the anxiety was similar, it's just that the things I was anxious about were odd, I guess.

Anyways, I'm rambling, sorry!

About the images you get when you close your eyes, that is most often described as a type of intrusive thought, and I've also heard people call them "closed eye hallucinations". I get icky and scary images like this sometimes, and it can be really distressing.

I hope your symptoms don't get worse, and I hope you can feel at ease knowing that no matter the exact cause or name, you are definitely not alone with having these experiences, and they are common experiences for people on the schizospec and people with some other related difficulties.

And if you find that you relate to the schizospec experience, there's space enough for everyone, and you are welcome here. Even if you don't fit any specific disorders or you conclude that your symptoms are "sub-clinical" or more related to something else, I believe in an open door policy and I think anyone with this type of experience can benefit from spending time in/with the community, and can bring unique insights to the table themselves.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm super tired today, but yeah that's my two cents I guess ^^

Edit: It might give you some insight to look into other symptoms associated with the schizo-spec, like negative symptoms, cognitive symptoms and ipseity disturbances :) I think that will give you a stronger idea of whether you are likely to relate to most of us 🌼

[pinkcannibal]

soo not to get nsfw on the main… But with that being said… i‘ve just reread the latest chapter of it’s quicker and easier for the fourth time (somebody sedate me) and i just have some food for thought that is stuck to my mind‘s interior. SEE WHAT YOUVE DONE!! this fic is permanently tattooed onto my brain!!

like ok so i just think with all of marilyn’s prowess with potions and elixirs, she would surely have the knowledge to come up with some kind of,,, concoction that would allow her to gain a certain appendage (if u know what i’m talking about ;)). The next step then of course is fulfilling her and reader‘s fantasies of feeling her "come inside you and paint your walls with everything she is" with said appendage of marilyn’s. and woah what a line. whattt a line. a line that i personally feel should be interpreted as a prophecy of sorts that needs to be fulfilled immediately mhm mhm !

ok sorry but my point is it’s established marilyn has a breeding kink and yep, that definitely tracks. and reader has a 'consuming any part of marilyn she can like a pathetic eager puppy' kink, be it her blood, spit (👀 pls) or cum. i just think yknow if marilyn has the tools she is well within her right to use them to get herself her own cock and fuck her controversially younger girlfriend with it!!😌 when life gives you lemons, you use them to brew a cock-growing elixir for you and your gf to have fun with… i think that’s how the saying goes <3

anyways sorry for the long ask oops i didn’t mean for it to be this long. last sidepart and this is purely amused delusion but i find it so funny to imagine marilyn building this whole thing up and it happens and she and reader are very turned on and excited… only for marilyn to come in like 30 seconds. bc this is a whole new sensation for her obviously!!!! and even when she’s usually fucking reader without her cock, marilyn’s mostly the one giving and she’s not used to much direct stimulation without having reader come first!!! so then marilyn’s feeling mortified and reader is simultaneously understanding, horny, flattered and proud that she could make her lose control like that.

soo yeah that’s my food for thought on that ONE line from your fic that wouldn’t leave my head. a feast for thought would be more accurate. to make it explicit, i’d love to see something like this happen in the fic with marilyn and reader, or even a one-shot (or both!). that being said i get that it’s not for everyone so if ur not down then ofc don’t feel obliged to write anything ur not comfortable with <3 i was just kinda obsessing over the idea since reading chapter 18 and wanted to articulate my feral thoughts somewhere :p

rant ended for now, congratulations on exceeding 100K words!! that’s a super impressive feat for any author, never mind the fact that you didn’t think the fic would surpass 20K!! we’re super proud of you and blessed to have you as the author of this fic <33 take care and hope to read more soon!!!

okay the way this ask has NOT left my brain since reading it jesus christ!!!! HI??? ur so valid for this actually (also the fact that youve read the chap four times already is so sweet ty!!!! :') dont be sorry for being nsfw on main this sideblog is literally. MADE for that and for people to ask me things like this skdksd

okay. so i HAVE talked abt this on discord before w my beloved '<3' from ao3 and its so funny bc like. when we talk abt marilyn coming its always said with the knowledge that like 'oh of course she can come inside of reader using the strap/her cock. this is both physically possible and normal :)' skdksd so like the fact that youve sent this message is personal TO ME bc even tho i havent made it a thing in my fic yet i DO want to add a scene with either a cum filled strap on or, like you said, bc marilyn's so talented with elixir's/potions im SURE there is a concoction she can create that either a) allows her to feel her cum filled strap as if it was her own appendage AND acts like it or b) have her own cock. im more inclined with option A as it feels more realistic in my fic and would flow better i think within the confides of how ive written this story, and the fact that ive set up already that marilyn is really talented in potion making/plants and organic material. it would have to be slight magic using i guess?? (also realistic is a dumb word to use ik ksdkd like this is the world where vampires werewolves and gorgons exist. yet i just feel like strap would work better instead of her acquiring an actual cock)

btw ur 'when life gives you lemons,' comment made me lose it thank u so much for that. but yes! trust me when i say marilyn is constantlyyyy thinking abt possible ways she can make this a reality, it literally is a cause of frustration for marilyn that she cant give her girl what she wants and fill her up w her cum </3 its why she says it as a form of praise/degradation during 18 and 19 eg: "i wish i could cum in you" and "make you mine" bc like these freaks are so in love that the idea of breeding reader is succchhh a fulfilling fantasy, and visa versa. for reader its like 'i literally want all of you. ALL of you' like marilyn knows and LOVES how much reader is eager to please to take anything of marilyn's like you said, esp blood cum and spit (this idea is romantic to me. no further questions sdkskd) so yes tldr this IS an idea i really, really want to explore bc i can do so much with the idea of consuming your milf lover so much that you beg for their cum inside you/down your throat at all times <333

oh ur so real for marilyn not lasting comment. thats so 😵‍💫definitely the first time they try it marilyn's just so overwhelmed by feeling how warm and wet reader is (its a completely different sensation than feeling w her fingers/tongue) and how much reader is begging for it she just. comes immediately. does not know how to act and keeps filling reader up as much as she can (this does in fact send reader into suchhh a dumbed down headspace feeling it; like u have NO idea how much this is affecting her skdksd) but to me after the first time marilyn is just so focused on making reader the one who comes first every time, bc marilyn gets off on reader getting off and loves being the one to always give <33

i think im more inclined to add it into the fic! but thats not to say im ruling it out of requests/one shots. ur so okay omg ksdk the fact that u were obsessing over this makes me feel validated that me and '<3' arent the only ones who talk abt this concept like. all the time skdkd and wait AHHHHH GOD thank you so much!!!!🥰 thats genuinely so sweet and so uplifting for you to say, i hope you take care too and have an amazing day anon!! :')

[emailsquid]

ok spiderman p5 au thing that infests my brain is coming out

mostly based on ultimate spiderman and spiderverse since those are the 2 im super familiar with.

akira is spider-man obviously. after getting sent to tokyo because of the normal p5 reasons he gets bitten by a radioactive spider and gets the normal spider powers (proportional strength, spider sense, heightened agility), with the addition of being able to get a better read on people's thought process (i dont think spiders can actually do this but i wanted to reference the personas in some way) and induce a low level of delusion in other people, making them more likely to tell the truth with a spider toxin thing. you know the deal i can make shit up. hes initially unwilling to be spider-man until stuff really gets bad with kamoshida, and then is only willing to do it whilst disguised to avoid fucking up his criminal record even more. loves actually being spiderman tho.

sojiro is almost unchanged except stuff with wakaba is different but hes still gruff but comes to love akira in more or less the same way as in p5. hates when theres supervillain fights outside his cafe (oops)

ryuji learn's akira's secret immediately and encourages him to be a hero, partly bc he thinks its cool, partly because he thinks he has a responsibility to use his powers for justice of some kind, partly to get back at kamoshida for being a massive piece of shit. he stays akira's best friend throughout his time in tokyo and almost has his side.

ann is 2nd to learn akira's secret and also encourages him to fight kamoshida (im getting to him btw). She designs the suit as well and makes it with akira. she also wants akira to be a hero but is much more cautious and worried about things than ryuji

i have no idea what to do with morgana but im thinking hes gonna be another superhero, idk what tho. probably like a shapeshifter or something? more thought is required.

Kamoshidas like. a superhero who double times as a teacher, still an abusive shitbag but now hes like publically worshipped. hes akiras first big fight after akira spreads the truth about him with calling cards and gets him to admit to his crimes publically, at which point he has to run away in shame. partly i based him on kamoshidaman (although i dont actually know anything abt pq2 im just assuming) and also mysterio in far from home.

shiho is basically the same except ill bring her back into the story later for something. havent planned that far ahead. she will date ann tho.

most other characters i only have vague ideas for, such as makoto having an alive father (nothing bad could happen to a police captain father in a spider man story surely) and futaba developing tech for akira. its the only way i can think to get him webslingers tbh. for akechi i have something cooking as well but im writing a fic for this so i kinda dont wanna spoil that bc i think its cool. im trying my best to be accurate to the characters personalities ut akira will probably be more quippy than usual bc it just feels wrong for any spider man not to quip. so yeah. other than that i think he maps onto spider man pretty well tbh, hes got the public hate campaign, the saviour complex, the sense of justice, hes stylish and hes got a social life going on to manage at the same time. haru also has some specific stuff i wanna do with her.

also this is a marvel like au so other superheros exist but its an americacentric phenomenon however the phoenix ranger feathermen are real. idk what ill do with them but they are bc it felt wrong to only have like 2 superheros. there might be others too. idk. maybe its more of ust a superhero au with specific marvel ideas. wahtever.

if i had the time and skill to do art for this id love to do it in the style of the original p5 intro with limited colours other than red and black to white spectrum. it would look cool and set it apart visually. also it would look a bit like the guy she was intereted in which i love visually so yeah.

anyway yea this is a pretty specific crossover so cant wait for no-one to care but yea ill update this with more later