#im so sick of living in a religious house :((

[his-littlefox]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

[kurtie4life96]

Song request: im afraid to go to heaven with Eddie but make it sexy PLEASE

I'm Afraid I'll Go To Heaven

E.M. × F! Reader

Summary: Eddie is sick and tired of being called a "Satanist". Maybe his best girl friend can help him relieve that frustration.

CW: MDNI 18+, smut, dom!Eddie, sub!reader, graphic, rough sex, unprotected sex, a bit of ritualistic sex, choking, BLOOD play, KNIFE play, exhibitionism, spitting, handcuffs, masochism/sadism, oral (f receiving), anti-christianity, Christian protesters, smoking

THIS IS VERY ANTI RELIGIOUS/CHRISTIANITY. DO NOT READ IF THAT'S OFFENSIVE TO YOU. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

"Here we go again." Eddie mumbled through gritted teeth.

You sat in the passenger seat of his van as he turned into the trailer park, a swarm of angry protesters with picket signs shouting at the two of you, scattered across the front of his house.

"The cops won't do anything?" You asked, sighing out of frustration.

He laughed, motioning towards the protesters, "Nope. Why should they, anyway? I am part of the satanic panic, after all."

After the events of the Upside Down and Eddie almost dying, he was nearly charged for the murders that Vecna had committed. Miraculously, Hopper had managed to clear his name, placing the blame on Jason, as he was there when Patrick died, mercilessly bullied Fred, and his girlfriend was Chrissy. Plus, Jason was now dead. It was all too easy.

But the people of Hawkins still weren't convinced, still called Eddie a murderer, a Satanist, a devil worshipper.

They protested at Hawkins High, his graduation, even going as far to protest outside of his house.

The crowd slowly started to dissipate after a few months, but they were still relentless, calling him a sinner, a murderer, telling him he was going to burn in hell, to repent.

You had tried to protect your friend from these people. You'd screamed at them, threw trash at them, stuck by his side.

But Eddie was still miserable. And they were never going to stop.

Eddie pulled up in front of his trailer, parking and turning his van off. People began to surround it immediately, yelling at him, perhaps the both of you, holding up picket signs with some of the most vile words on them you'd ever seen.

He ran his hands through his hair, agitated, and punched the steering wheel suddenly, cursing to himself.

You reached your hand out to gently hold his, an attempt to calm him down, "We just have to ignore them and go inside."

Eddie snatched his hand away from yours, hurting your feelings a little, but you understood his anger, not taking it too personally.

"I'm sick of just ignoring them!" He exclaimed, wide-eyed, "I know that's what Hopper said to do, but I can't do it anymore, I just- I can't do it!"

He opened the car door and you quickly followed, rushing towards him as he confronted one of the middle-aged, bearded protesters, getting in the man's face.

"You need to repent, young man," he started, "if you want to live forever, be with loved ones in Heaven, you must confess-"

"I don't wanna live forever!" Eddie shouted, taking an even closer step towards him, making the man stumble back a bit.

"You're going to burn in hell-"

"Then so be it!" Eddie smiled maniacally, throwing his hands up in the air, turning around to face the crowd, "I don't want to go to Heaven, I'm afraid to go to Heaven!"

You looked to the crowd, worried, as they began to argue with him, but Eddie cut them off quickly.

"I'm not afraid of a so-called Devil, or- Satan, I'm afraid of being around people like you forever!" He paused to laugh again, screaming, "It's like me- people like me, are your only entertainment in this shitty town now!"

Eddie snatched a picket fence from a nearby protester, smashing it on the gravel, and throwing the broken wooden stick on the ground with an audible, frustrated groan.

The people went nearly silent for a moment, only quietly murmuring amongst themselves as your heart beat rapidly, waiting for Eddie's monologue to end.

"Whatever is waiting for me on the other side, I'm sure it's better than being around you Bible fucking, no spined, fiction loving fucking sheep!"

He was panting heavily now, turning red from rage as the silence continued. You grabbed his arm, giving it a gentle tug.

"C'mon Eddie, let's go inside now." You urged him with a soft, quiet voice.

"Yeah," he announced loudly, still glaring at the crowd, "let's go inside."

You both began to walk up the steps to the front door, Eddie turning towards them again for a moment to throw up his infamous devil horns, before flipping them off.

You walked in first, him slamming the front door behind him.

"You okay?" You turned to him, an empathetic, yet worried look on your face.

"Yeah," he let out a breathy chuckle, "yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay?"

You nodded, giving him a half smile, "Yeah."

Eddie sat down on the couch, sinking into it with a big sigh, fumbling with his rings, chewing on his lip as he stared off into space for a moment.

Little did he know how much your nerves were on fire, from the adrenaline and excitement you felt watching him get angry, snapping at the crowd and losing it a bit.

Watching him yell at the protesters, smash that sign, the way he stood up for himself, put those awful people in their place, it had butterflies filling your stomach, it made your face feel a little too hot. It didn't help that he was in a bad mood, that he was twirling his metal rings on his fingers.

Sure, you'd had a bit of a crush on Eddie of course, especially after his bravery fighting the demo bats, but you hadn't acted on your feelings. It wasn't the right time. He was going through too much, and the two of you had been close friends for years.

Eddie must have noticed you staring off into space too- or more so, staring at his hands, because he had said your name three times before he got your attention.

You perked up, coming back to reality and grinned awkwardly at him, playing with your hair anxiously.

"Sorry, what?"

He looked at you questioningly, like he was trying to read you, one of his hands gesturing towards the seat next to him, "I said, come sit."

"Oh, yeah, of course," you walked over towards the couch, sitting down next to him, feeling unable to relax.

"Smoke?" Eddie held up two cigarettes and a lighter, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, sure, thanks." You grabbed one from his fingers, staring at them a little too long again.

You put it between your lips, patting your pockets to look for your own lighter.

"Uh-uh," Eddie scolded you, putting his own cigarette between his lips, lighting yours and then his own, taking a long drag, "pretty girls don't light their own cigarettes."

You took a drag and smiled ear to ear, scooting closer to him until your thigh was touching his, shoving his shoulder playfully, "I've heard that one a few times now, Munson."

"Don't act like you don't like hearing it, though." He chuckled, then stopped, his smile fading away as he heard the faint voices from the protesters still outside.

"Fuckers," he spat, taking another long drag, "they're never going to leave me alone. They'll never leave you or Wayne alone, either. Not til' we leave the damn country or some shit."

"Yeah, probably not." You responded quietly, pursing your lips together, staring at your cigarette.

The both of you sat in silence for a few moments, deep in thought, watching the smoke circle around in the sunlight coming in through the blinds.

"What if there was another way?" You glanced over at him, asking nervously.

"What do you mean?" Eddie gave you a perplexed look.

"What if," you sighed, putting out your cigarette, your heart beginning to beat hard against your chest, "What if there was just... another way?"

"I'm not gonna 'repent for my sins', if that's what you're saying-"

"No, no," you shook your head, "fuck that, hell no. I mean... what if we scared them? Like... enough to make them go away? Leave you alone?"

"How?" Eddie scoffed, taking another puff of his cigarette before reaching his hand towards the ashtray to put it out.

"Hold on," you grabbed his arm abruptly, stopping him, your breathing shaky.

"What're you..." He trailed off, shifting in his seat.

You grasped his hand, keeping eye contact with him, as you slowly moved it towards the back of your forearm.

Eddie screwed his eyebrows together, in disbelief, as your forced his fingers on your forearm, putting his cigarette out on your skin.

You gasped in pain and hissed, your skin seering, before Eddie yanked his arm back, throwing it into the ashtray and grabbing your arm, inspecting the burn.

"What the fuck? Why would you do that? Are you okay? Jesus Christ, why? Why did you do that-"

"Eddie," you said his name softly, like a prayer, "Eddie... if it's okay, we should scare them."

He paused for a moment, still holding your arm, before responding, "What are you proposing?"

"I'm proposing," you took a deep breath, looking into his eyes, "we could make a mess. A mess that'll scare them for life."

Eddie raised an eyebrow at you, looking intrigued, pressing the pad of his thumb into your skin.

"What kind of mess?"

"Eddie, I like you. I know it's not the best time to tell you that, but you don't have to like me back," you continued to ramble, "I know the things you like to do when you're... having fun. You've told me. And I like the same things too, sometimes."

Eddie stared at you intently, leaning closer towards you, motioning for you to continue, "Go on, I'm listening."

You sighed, "You could use me, if you want, we could make a big scene, you know, scare them off, but only if you want to, you can say no-"

He interrupted you by grabbing both sides of your face, his rings cold against your skin as he crashed his lips onto yours, leaning into you as much as he could. Your body froze for a second, in shock, but you quickly kissed him back, resting your hands on his shoulders and humming contently.

"Oh, sweetheart, my pretty angel," Eddie broke the kiss, pressing his forehead against yours, his lips grazing your own as he spoke softly, "I thought you'd never ask."

"Really?" You pulled back and looked into his dark eyes.

"Really." His lips curled in a smile, then slowly faded as he asked, "Are you sure that's what you want? Because- I could really hurt you."

You nodded eagerly, "Yes, yeah, it's what I want. It's what I want with you."

"Okay," Eddie sighed, sitting upright as he looked down at you, "but if it gets to be too much, tell me. There's... a lot of weird things I'd want to do with you."

You sat on your knees, gazing up at him, almost as if you were worshipping him. His beautiful brown eyes, his long, frizzy dark hair framing his face just right, his clothes, his plump lips making you feel intoxicated.

"Eddie," you assured him softly, reaching a hand towards his hair, brushing it with your fingers, "nothing is gonna be too much. I like weird. And with these insane assholes outside," you looked towards the window, "how about we make it fun? Like you said... we're just entertainment. Let's put on a show."

He stared down at you, breathless, his heart racing, feeling absolutely feral- a mixture of his anger, excitement, and the sight of you fully giving yourself to him.

Eddie looked over to the window above you that faced the front yard, the crowd still there shouting, and he opened the blinds, staring outside with a sinister smile.

There was a moment of quiet between the two of you, the air thick with tension and anticipation, as you gazed at each other with locked eyes, before Eddie crashed his lips against yours again, much harder this time as he grabbed your hair to yank your head back, his other hand gently cradling the side of your neck.

You moaned into each other's mouths lightly, the kisses increasingly becoming faster, animalistic, carnal, not being able to get enough of each other. You both panted heavily between kisses as you smoothed your hands down his sides, then sliding them under his shirt to feel his scars and soft skin.

Eddie slid his tongue across your bottom lip languid, feeling like silk, the taste of him silencing all of your thoughts as you licked into each other's mouths feverishly, deeply, him tasting sweet like cherry coke- before he bit down on it, hard.

Normally this action would make someone gasp, yelp, cry even- but not you. You sighed contently as Eddie sucked on your bleeding lip, then sat upright again to look down on you, as if he was a God.

"Open." He commanded in a low voice.

You did as you were told, knowing what was coming next. He spat your blood back into your mouth, the taste of iron flooding your senses. You swallowed, licking your injured lip before he could tell you to do so.

"Fuck," Eddie groaned, "you are fucking unreal."

He stood up from the couch suddenly, and before you could question him, he grabbed your ass and lifted you up, setting you down harshly on the top of the couch, your back facing the window.

"I can't wait to put bruises all over this pretty skin." He rasped.

He lifted your shirt up eagerly, pulling it off of you and tossing it to the side.

"No bra, huh?" He smirked.

Before you could respond, Eddie went straight for your jawline, at first kissing it sloppily, then getting greedy, sucking and biting on your skin brutally, as he palmed your breasts, groping them and pinching your nipples, making you gasp and arch into him, his hair tickling your shoulder.

He made his descent down your neck and chest, sucking your delicate skin so harshly it began to bleed as you huffed and raked your fingers through his hair and tugged, wrapping your legs around him, silently asking him for more.

He licked down slowly between your breasts, keeping eye contact with you, then took one into his mouth, kissing and swirling around his tongue.

"Eddie, please," you whimpered, still tasting iron, "more..."

"More what, pretty girl?" He asked in a husky voice.

"Just... more," you whined, "just- I want you!"

"Fuck," he moaned lowly.

He pulled down your pants and panties off your hips and legs frantically, but swiftly, throwing them to the side with your shirt.

Eddie stood back for a moment, admiring your now nearly naked body with hungry eyes- the only garment still on you being your slouch socks, your bare ass pressed up to the window, as you gazed at his lithe figure.

"Open your legs." He gently demanded.

You did as you were told, and he breathed out a shaky exhale as he gazed at your heat.

He looked up towards your face again, your bleeding bruises, your bloodied lip with hooded, unholy eyes.

You grasped the back of the couch with both hands, leaning your head back, and let out a desperate sigh.

"Eddie-"

He kneeled on the couch quickly, spreading your thighs apart, then sliding two fingers along your soaked lips, and began to move his tongue along your clit messy and rapidly, lapping at your heat with a heavy tongue that somehow felt like velvet.

You cried out a mixture of his name and expletives as euphoria gripped your body, arching into his mouth and your muscles tightening.

"Eddie," you cried, "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, oh my god-"

He slipped two fingers into you easily, curling them harshly, you feeling his rings at your entrance.

You gasped at the action, raking your hands through his hair, and you felt him smirk against your wet heat as he began to snake his other hand up your bare chest.

You needed more of him, so much more, and you grabbed his wrist, beginning to guide it towards your neck.

Eddie instantly got the hint, and wrapped his big hand around your throat, pressing his fingers into the sides of your neck.

You groaned in pleasure as blood ceased to travel to your brain, ecstacy taking over every inch of your body as your eyes rolled into the back of your head as he continued to savor you relentlessly.

"Harder," you managed to choke out, "please, harder-"

He moaned against you at your request and squeezed harder, making you see stars.

Your skin was on fire as you began to lose composure, and the world crashed around you, the strongest orgasm you've ever felt hitting its peak as you tried to moan, but your voice was strained.

Eddie continued to work you through your high, then kissed your sensitive nub, making you twitch before pulling back, his mouth slightly agape and wet with your slick as the both of you panted. He licked his lips and leaned towards you, kissing you gingerly as you tasted yourself on your tongue, then he promptly bit your lip again, reopening your wound.

"You look so hot when you're bleeding," he huffed against your mouth.

You gripped his shirt with one hand, then reached towards his hard, aching length with the other, making him groan.

"Eddie," you mumbled, "please, take them off, let me-"

"Next time, baby," he assured you, "next time. The sun is gonna go down. We need to hurry."

Your stomach fluttered at his words, 'next time', as you watched him take off his jacket and shirt swiftly, then pulling down his pants and checkered boxers, letting his cock free.

You stared at his length with wide eyes. You knew he would be a little big, but he was larger than you'd imagined. Your mouth nearly watered at the sight. You then watched him lean down to pull something out of his jean pockets.

Eddie stood up, holding up his switchblade, the sharp tip of it shining as he gazed at you intently.

"Do you trust me?" He asked.

"Yes," you whispered.

"Give me your hand."

You reached your arm out to him, excitement and nervousness bursting in your abdomen.

"This is gonna hurt, okay?"

You softly smiled and nodded, "Okay."

He grabbed your wrist, pressing the blade into your palm and quickly slashing a line into it, blood beginning to pool in your hand immediately. You winced at the pain, but gave him a hum of agreement.

Nodding at you, Eddie took to his own hand, slicing it the same way he did to yours, blood dripping through his fingers.

He threw the knife to the side before intertwining his fingers with yours, pressing your bleeding wounds together, then grabbed the back of your head, leaning in to kiss you passionately.

He pulled back, and took to your chest, smearing the mixture of each others blood all over your neck and breasts, his eyes seemingly turned black.

You whimpered at the sight, but were pleasantly surprised by how much it turned you on, rubbing your thighs together for some friction as your core ached.

"Turn around." Eddie instructed you, grasping your thigh, motioning for you to turn over.

With a sharp inhale and exhale, you turned around, knees on the seats of the couch, hands grabbing the back of couch, as you looked out the window, the crowd of people still outside now looking back at you in horror.

You smirked at them maliciously, wiping your face, smearing it with more blood to terrify them even more.

Eddie groaned at the action and kissed your lower back, squeezing your ass, taking his length into his hand.

"You're the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. And I'm gonna ruin you."

"Do it, Eddie," you whispered.

He lined his tip with your entrance, then gripped your hips harshly, slamming all the way into you with ease, bottoming out.

You both gasped loudly in unison, his cock stretching you out in a way that could only be described as perfect.

"You're so tight, fuck, you're gonna kill me baby." He groaned.

Eddie began to set a slow, but harsh pace, pounding into you deeply as you pushed back against his thrusts. It felt so much like Heaven, that you nearly forgot what you needed to do.

As he continued to snap his hips into yours harshly, you squeezed your wounded hand, collecting more blood in your palm, and dripped it onto the window, smearing it between his thrusts until you were satisfied that it was covered.

He began to fuck into you faster, hitting your cervix every time, as you began your work on the window, drawing a sloppy, inverted pentagram with your fingertips through the blood, the both of you cursing and moaning each other's names.

The crowd outside was horrified at the sight of your bloodied chest, the bloodied window, and the symbol you drew, making them leave the property rapidly in terror, like a bat out of hell.

You arched your back even more, goosebumps spreading across your skin as you both moaned, Eddie still fucking into you, raking his fingernails on your back, leaving behind a pattern of scratches.

Once you'd noticed that the voices outside had disappeared, you wiped your uninjured hand on the fogged, bloody glass, peering out the window.

"Eddie, fuck," you stammered between his thrusts, "it worked- they- they left. They all left."

He let out a breathy laugh, slowing down his pace, smoothing his hands up and down your back, "Oh, angel. You're so smart. Such a good girl."

You chuckled a bit through pants, reaching your arms back towards him to touch him, to hold his hands for a moment.

Eddie suddenly pulled out of you, and you whined at the loss, confused.

"What are you-"

Before you could question him, he grabbed your waist, lifting you up off the couch and making you yelp, throwing your naked body over his shoulder and quickly heading to his bedroom.

"Eddie," you laughed nervously, "what's happening?"

"Sh," he shushed you, placing a kiss to your side, then throwing you on your back onto his bed of messy sheets and blankets, gasping as your body hit the mattress.

You gazed up at him in anticipation, as he held his infamous handcuffs in one hand.

"Do you still want me?" He asked in a husky voice.

"Yeah, of course I do-"

"Good," He interrupted you and smiled wickedly, "arms above your head."

You bit the side of your lip and grinned, doing as you were told.

He got on the bed and crawled over you, placing the handcuffs over your wrists, clicking them in place, making sure they were tight, then kissed your injured lips softly.

Eddie leaned back, spreading your legs open for him gently, his length still rock hard.

"You're cumming like this."

You shivered at his words, and he gripped your hips, yanking them up towards his cock, and pushed himself inside of you.

"Fuck, Eddie,"

"Jesus, you're still so fucking wet," he cursed.

He began to thrust into you again, at first slow, but quickly becoming desperate, pounding into you with a harsh and fast rhythm, gripping your hips tighter and tighter, surely leaving bruises.

You felt fire in your abdomen as he continued to fuck into you, him biting and kissing your knee sloppily as the new angle of his cock hit your sweet spot every time.

"Eddie, I don't think I can last long, fuck-"

"Me too, sweetheart," he groaned, putting a hand between the two of you, circling your clit with his thumb as he watched himself disappear inside of you, "cum with me."

You felt his cock grow even harder against your walls, making your eyes nearly roll in the back of your head, tears burning at the corners as you almost sobbed, crying out expletives as your orgasm took a hold of you, shockwaves gripping your body.

Eddie felt your walls clench around him, making him come undone as he emptied himself deep inside of you, biting your knee to hold back a loud moan as he followed closely after you.

Your highs came to a halt, as he gently lowered you back down, and collapsed on top of you.

You both panted heavily against each other, trying to catch your breath as he finally slid out of you. He held the sides of your face and kissed you desperately, then planted kisses all over your face, making you giggle.

"So, uh, that was..." Eddie trailed off.

"Amazing. It was amazing." You finished his sentence breathlessly.

"Yeah?" He lifted his head up and smiled at you.

"Yeah," you smiled back, "we should... do this again... soon."

"Yes, we should," he kissed your forehead, "we really should. Gotta take you on a proper date first."

He sat up from the bed, and you whined at the loss of his body heat.

"Well angel," he started, "we need to clean up all the blood and stuff, ya know, and fix our hands before Wayne gets home."

"Yeah, we do, but Eddie," you showed him your hands, "you gotta get me out of these cuffs first."

"Oh yeah, yeah, duh," he laughed, "the cuffs. Of course. Just need to... find the keys." He began to look around his room worriedly.

"God dammit, Eddie."

[that-angry-noldo]

war of wrath tumblr dashboard simulator lets go

🦚nosheepherd Follow

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE WEST HAS SENT THEIR AID

🐈meowcat Follow

screaming op we've literally been involved in a full scale war for 10 years already?? do you live under a rock or 😭

🦚nosheepherd Follow

bestie if you think i have left my hiding in the last 20 years for longer than 15 minutes you vastly overestimate my courage 😭 #at least they have food?? #also yes im alive lol sorry for not posting for. checks notes. last 30 years? #i LITERALLY live under a rock #hello beloved mutuals i missed you

(239 notes)

🥔thatonesinda Mutuals

does anyone have any cooking tips for when you have literally zero food in the house lol? we've been managing well but our home was raided a few days ago (we're all well thankfully) and well. everything edible is gone #kinda panicking over here 😬😬 #we'll probably last for a while but im afraid we'll have to leave soon #ive heard some of our armies are going nearby i think the best decision will be to stick to them #sigh. all of this would be so much easier if parents were around #lara talks #mutuals does anyone have a couch me and my siblings can crash at lol

(5 notes)

🏹herothevaliant Mutuals

she jumped on my sword til i

🏹herothevaliant

fuck

🏹herothevaliant

guys this is so embarassing my commander was literally staying behind me while i was typing. i was on duty im so fucked

🏹herothevaliant

STOP REBLOGGING THIS MY CAPTAIN IS ON THIS WEBSITE IF THEY SEE THIS I SWEAR TO ERU

🌌forestbranch Follow

hey 🙂

🏹herothevaliant

FUCK #WHY THE FUCK ARE ELVES SO QUIET #AAAAAH #please don't fire me

(11.2k notes)

For you!

🏺coolshitifound

🖼️ [image]

[Image ID: Lord Eönwë during the battle. He is pictured mid-swing, surrounded by numerous foes, all with varying levels of terror upon their faces. Lord Eönwë is covered in blood with a scowl on his face. He is swinging his greatsword at the nearest enemy, who wears a terrified expression. End Image ID]

🧉starspraylatte Follow

i think i hauve black death #🥵🥵🥵 #not very religious but y'know what #i would get on my knees for him

(58 notes)

🌠wanderingstranger Following

. #fucking hell #i'm so fucking sick #attended a mutual's funeral today #and a close irl friend is gone without trace #and i'm not sure whether it's a comfort that i didn't feel her die #fuck #this is so unfair #im so fucking sick of this war #and each day it's harder to believe this will ever be over #im not sure for how much longer i can go on #i have a bow #maybe i should join someone on the battlefield #at least death will find me not by my own hand #vent #to delete

(4 notes)

Because you follow #lord eönwë

🌺wistfuldaydreamer Follow

With You, Forever

Pairings: Lord Eönwë x Reader

Warnings: RPF, discussion of death, sadness, heartbreak

Summary: After narrowly evading death on the battlefield, you face your lover.

A/N: sorry for not updating! my family was on a run from goblin raiders, didn't have much time for writing lmao 🥲 i hope you enjoy!

Keep Reading

#lord eönwë #lord eönwë x reader #host of the west x reader #rpf #lord eönwë fanfiction #lord eönwë imagine

(138 notes)

🦀crabinthetree Mutuals

can't believe y'all are thirsting over those amanyar losers while our lord and saviour king ereinion gil-galad and our god and father lord círdan the shipwright are LITERALLY RIGHT THERE #fucking disappointed in y'all #1k #5k #10k #keep reblogging this don't be cowards

(12.4k notes)

⚫rosemary-in-the-wild-deactivated-0134563

no but why are king finarfin and manwë's herald kinda 😳😳😳 like am i the only one sensing some er strong male friendship going on orrrrrrr

🪵treecutter Follow

NO WAY THEY GOT DEACTIVATED TWO HOURS AFTER MAKING THIS POST

🌿olive-in-the-wild Following

they hated me because i was telling the truth 😔

🍆guyhaver Follow

people having "orcs dni" in their bio is so insensitive. like not only there are orcs who activelly suffer under lord melkor's rule but there are also those who fight on the side of the free people like wtf.

🍠friedtentacles Follow

i agree op but also why is it always orcs lol. like no one is putting werewolves ghouls vampires and other creatures of night on their lists lmao

🪭birdinbirch Follow

updating my dni list brb 🙂

🍆guyhaver Follow

@Staff why the FUCK is behavior like this allowed on this site. i swear to almighty #blocked and reported #istg one day i will quit this website #mutuals hold my hands we'll get through it together

(34 notes)

[trashiewrites]

All the HCs I’ve done but ALEJANDRO EDITION!!

All the head cannons ive done but our favorite Mexican man. Cause TBH who doesn’t love his goofy ass.

ALSO YES I AM ALIVE!! I have a lot of request and work has been killing me lately! So if you have a request you sent im still doing them i swear! Enjoy!!

Relationship:

+CAN AND WILL SERENADE YOUUU

+won your heart with his guitar. That is just the truth. You try to lie and say something more romantic.

+He gets offended that you think it wasn't romantic.

+Honestly, he's when he isn't working, HES A PUPPY! He's so happy to be around you and wants to get up and do things with you.

+It is not uncommon to see you two roaming the streets of Las Almas till dusk because he honestly wants to.

+HE MAKES THE BEST FOOD HAND DOWN!! IF YOU WANNA DATE A MAN FOR HIS COOKING YOU CAN NOT AND I REPEAT C A N N O T BEAT ALEJANDRO

+If you aren't a fan of Mexican food, he's okay with it. He would usually make you a separate meal cause you aren't stopping him from his Carnita Enchiladas.

+His family (if he does have any) Is very kind to you! If you don't speak Spanish, they try their best to speak English and you try to talk as much as Alejandro teaches you.

+Going through your daily chores doing Spanish lessons with him

+ Legit, your number one fan! in everything, no matter what. 

Sick

:+You wanna know the best thing about Mexican/ Hispanic foods? THERE IS A LOT OF SOUP!!!

+SOUP IS NEVER JUST BORING CHICKEN NOODLES! THIS MAN MAKES IT ALL; FIDEO, MENUDO, CALDO DE QUESO! AKA surprise soup every day.

+ Takes over all the chores in the house. All of them

+ *INSERT DEAFENING VOLUME SPANISH MUSIC* You already know he's doing more dancing than actually cleaning.

+ Vix... If you know, you know...

+He's not entirely against medicine, but let's say he's wary about it... Won't stop you from doing it tho. It's more of a personal thing. 

+ About him getting sick, "Si no te estás muriendo, estás bien." If you aren't dying, you're fine.

+You often argue with him over this mentality because he gets really bad sometimes. I mean he needs to go to the hospital before because of it

.+AKA Good luck trying to keep this puto in place. That will be the biggest challenge

. Christmas:

+1st day of November, He gives no fucks.

+Prob took out the tree the day after Halloween.

+you get new ornaments every single year, this year you found one from a series you like. Mister over here got a T-Rex with some skis.

+ He's not particularly too religious but he does have religious-based decorations. You know the usual, baby Jesus and the three wise men. You may have given some new decorations to the Virgin Mary you may not have.

 +He does go to church Christmas morning with his family. He always asks you if you want to come and if you don't that's okay with him.

 +There's a cookout at his family's place that lasts a bit, nothing too crazy! Lots of dancing, live music and of course, great food.

+THE REAL KICKER IS THE PARTY ALEJANDRO TAKES YOU TO WITH HIS SQUAD. Ooooh, THAT PLACE IS LIVELY!

+yall both drank so much you blacked out. Luckily you didn't drive home that night. Rudy did, but you wouldn't know that till later.

Wedding:

+The wedding was in Las Almas, no doubt. At least it would be tough to convince him for it to be anywhere else.

+if you had to pick anywhere if you didn't want a church wedding, then it would be in the woods nearby. Nice and scenic!

+He spent whatever to have it look the way you wanted. Any expense as long as he deemed it reasonable.

+The ceremony itself was amazing! Mystical and beautiful, felt as if you were in your little fairy tale.  AND TO BE MARRIED TO ALEJANDRO! oh, honey, you were in tears.

+Yall already know who his best man is. 100% Rudy, and if they could make it, Soup and Ghost.

+ The reception after was WILD! Not perfect though. 

+paid for a custom cake and umm... it arrived... a little lopsided but that's okay! A little melted too but it's okay, still edible!

+He slammed your face into your slice of cake. Soon after met with the same fate. Cake faced, he acted shocked and offended.

+didn't get absolutely shitfaced at your own wedding surprisingly. Everyone who was a guest, except the designated driver, got hammered. 

+overall 9.5/10 would marry again.

[moonjxsung]

upon learning the term bedrotting i feel like 80% of my life has been just that. so i completely get it, i bedrot unless i absolutely need to go out (✨depression✨)

fr perv hanji brings out my past wattpad dramatic af 1D fic self. i love him, he also lives in my head rent free because the perv ji character just fits him soooo well. and that thing your ex did was super hanji coded too if he’s feeling especially confident. manifesting perv hanji everyday✨

choi minho, the man that you are. he’s also my baby, so pretty so hot and so nice😭 the greenest green flag to ever exist. i saw an article the other day bc someone accused him of being a bully in HS (and first off like wtf that man is like 30+yrs old, why you bringing up his hs life at this age). the thing is that his former classmates were like “wtf hell no, bro is obsessed with a soccer team that hasn’t one in 20 yrs, you really think he’s a bully?” 😭😂😂😂 they said that he used to get snsd autographs for his teachers and friends. literally an angel baby. also, ur minho dream, care to elaborate??👀

and frrrrr what’s up with these exes here? are you guys okay? i thankfully don’t think i ever had a situation like that with anyone, ex or not, and if i did, i def repressed it. but i always remember this situation a friend of mine was in. so she was my bestie for like all of high school (she dumped me for the church💔 my religious trauma fr) and she was in a band and one of her mates introduced her to this other guy who played guitar (conveniently, he was also really really good friends with my current bf at that time). anyways we were like 17 (my bf and i) and she was a year younger so 16. and we were just finishing our list of college applications, they saw each other randomly bc he auditioned for a band that she was in and he started texting her a lot and offering to take her to band practice (thankfully her parents were like overprotective so it never happened). mind you, he was born in 95 and she was 00. so if we were in like grade 11 or 12 he was like well into uni. so, she tells me that she’s going to this uni like three hours away from where i was going. and i’m like all happy and supportive and whatever and she’s just like “oh and _______ told me that he studies like 15minutes away from my campus so he said that i could go to his apartment and we could read comics” and i was just like 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩and i told her that that was absolutely insane and reading comics def didn’t mean reading comics. so she got kinda mad and we stopped talking about him. and like a year later (she ended up not going to that uni), i stayed at her house once and she told me that he turned out to be a super sketchy guy. and she’s always been this really really physically beautiful person like main visual fr, but soooo naive, and shit like this happed so frequently. she once told me that in middle school, she was kinda dating a guy from 12th grade so she was like 13 and he was like 17-18🚩🚩🚩 so yeah, men suck. i’m thankful to have never experienced something like that or anything but im sure that my rbf and the paranoia and resistance my parents inflicted on me in terms of men helped.

so yeah, if there’s anything that the minors that sneak into ur blog should know is: that older guy that’s talking to you is 100% an absolute creep, pls stop talking to him🙏🏻

anyways bb, i hope you have soooo much fun watching the ateez coachella streaming!!! i will be with u @ heart bc im def watching it here, last week’s was really freaking awesome.

-🐈‍⬛

WE LOVE BEDROTTINGGGG my plans for tomorrow are just to bedrot bc this week was tiring as hell and my sister’s getting sick so I have preemptively planned to stay in and sleep as much as I physically can in between writing. I am so excited ‼️‼️

PLEASE something about perv Hanji just gets me GOING my ex is fucking trash but he did the most pervy shit sometimes and I just imagine it as Hanji au now to repress the bad memories 😭 I remember we were sexting @ thanksgiving dinner one year while he was literally sitting next to his entire family and he left the table to send me videos of him taking care of himself in the backseat of his car like if that’s not SO Hanji 😭😭😭😭 PLEASE. I would melt

THE MINHO THING PWLWAASSKKEKE I SAW THAT TOO AND I WAS LAUGHING SOOO HARD CHOI MINHO IS THE GREENEST FLAG EVERRRRR NO WAY YALL WANT TO PRETEND HE WAS A BULLY 😭😭 also my dream was v short lived BUT I dreamt that he had to go to work in my place for some reason and run some of my meetings for me and so we met up so he could give me business updates and we were just sitting so close to each other and laughing and getting zero work done LMFAO I remember thing “oh my god I have to fuck this man” PLSLSLWLEKEKSMJS HE’S SO FINE……….

Oh my god that story about your friend is insane 😭 that sucks that she ended up dropping you for the church (she’s missing out on the best friendship frfr) but I hope she’s gotten a little smarter about avoiding weird guys and sorta understanding the implications of what they say :/ my sister used to work at the movies when she was like 16 and one of her coworkers was this 25 year old weirdo who snapchatted her once inviting her to “watch marvel movies together” and we were instantly like OHHHH THAT’S NOT…….

Sagely words of advice from all of us here on stayblr stay away from older men w creep vibes AND don’t pursue anything with anyone who clearly isn’t over their ex 😀😀😀😀😀😀

ALSO BBY I JUST FINISHED COACHELLA STREAMING AAAAHQHWJSMSKS THEY SOMEHOW DID EVEN BETTER THAN LAST WEEK)????? HOWWW IS THAT POSSIBLE…, ALSO “GOLDEN HOUR” NEW COMEBACK IN SUMMER????? IM SO HYPED I LOVE ATEEZ SO MUCH FUCKKKK 😭😭😭🫶🫶🫶‼️‼️

I love you baby I hope you had the bestttt day !!!!!! 💓💖💘💗

[coolbeansbuddyofmine]

i once believed love would be black n' white (but it's golden)

five times mun-yeong wished to see colour in her life and once she did (or the one where mun-yeong can only see the colors in 4K resolution when gang-tae is around her, and without him, life is muted)

a fic for kdrama secret santa 2022; for @rabonghee

read it on ao3 here!

im also very sorry this is late. a combination of sickness, travel and family stuff had left me busy last week. i do hope you enjoy, nonetheless, especially @rabonghee

a happy belated christmas and new year to you and your loved ones!

i’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night

1. mun yeong’s never had friends before. the boy with the flower at her gate is the first who’s ever come up to approach her and she’s more confused than anything else. everything around her, the world moves so slowly (dreadfully so) in some stupid 20s monochrome film. 

it’s all boring and predictable and even at six, mun yeong knows that life’s not supposed to be like this.

in the books she hides from her mother, read secretly under her covers at night with a soft night light, she knows life can be and have so much more meaning and depth and colour to it than whatever her mother says.

for her few years of life, she’s believed her mother’s every word religiously, hanging on to it as if the word of god herself. her mother is? was? her god, but now, the former believer has committed sacrilege.

free thought has never felt more constraining.

the boy is like a fresh wind of indigo in her imposing house of stark greys and blacks. for her, who’s never seen colour, nor the blinding indigo in a rainbow, he’s her gateway drug.

she wants to pull him to her, magnetised by the beautiful blue hues.

---

he leaves, and she finds herself living in greyscale again.

the things that haunt me in the middle of the night

2. ju ri is kind and loud. mun yeong who would like to be an artist, if she had any talent at it, would paint her a loud and vibrant red; something vermillion or crimson, whatever would describe that prick of a paper cut that first stains it. she could be that crimson, that fresh blood, and she probably is. mun yeong’s eyes are aching and tired, and it filters the world around her, blunting all its edges. 

ju ri is fun, but even she, in the predictability of seongjin city and its coastline, remains predictable. in a world of rectangles and squares, both she and mun yeong are the same; she’s loud in her fury where mun yeong is cold and quiet, that is the only difference. 

the daughters of seongjin are all born angry, it seems.

that boy, mun yeong wonders, is probably a circle. she’s attracted to all those unlike her: that butterfly for one. does fury run in his blood? she wonders. is he a child of seongjin like her? or is a desperate wanderer, a nomad with no grounds to put down, a home that moves around with their people, like her?

does he want to find a home? or has he found it?

even years later, her mind still wanders to the boy who sharpened her edges to show her the most blinding of colors. something blinding in a gradient of darkness, does he pull others into him like he did for her?

is he a star to guide her or a blackhole waiting to devour her?

---

when she kisses ju ri, she wants to see another dazzling color.

she’s disappointed and leaves.

(it’s what she’s good at, after all. leaving just when the relationship was going to inevitably end; it’s called self-preservation, she has to save herself first before the momentum becomes too much and crashes)

luck of the draw only draws the unlucky

3. 

her college boyfriend thinks he’s won. she’s amongst the prettiest women on campus and she knows it: she’s his prize. among the many toys he takes, she’s his one and only trophy. all golden and gilded and glittery surface, hollow and black inside. he plays with her like a toddler with a precious toy; careless and sometimes it hurts. 

but she’s used to falling and bumping and bending. trophies don’t break anyway, he can’t break her because he can’t fix her. or replace her.

all bark and bite, that’s how he likes her. says it makes the sex more fun, and she wants to jeer in his face. her contrarian nature is good for him as long as he wants to roleplay, and beyond it, she’s just a bitch.

(of course she knows of the things he says of her behind her back to his friends. he’s an average steady fuck, so she doesn’t want to quite let go yet.)

when she kisses him, she likes to pretend he’s that boy standing at her gates with a flower. she admires the great bit of courage that boy had picked up to come to her haunted house of a home in all his childish innocence and fears. oppa isn’t brave like him. no, like all good women before she had to bait him and reel him in.

college dating teaches many a great deal about fishing. she would be a pro at it, if she could tolerate amputating and gutting that worm (it feels too alive and her breath catches in anxiety). it’s taught her patience (she barely has some; waiting is for the strong and brave of heart, and she’s far too cowardly to face daunting time).

she doesn’t want to. she tries not to. but inevitably, unfortunately, she tires of oppa sooner than he tires of her. it’s easier to let men leave her, and pretend as if they’ve walked away with breaking her heart (it does things for their ego, and later at night, when they sleep with another, the guilt makes for excellent sex). 

she could scoff. none of her suitors have broken her heart---they’d have to own it in the first place. you can’t break what’s not your own. 

she walks away from the flames and burning embers, as oppa rapidly tries to fan them in vain. she’s not coming back.

it’s a shame she really did like him.

---

she kisses him once again at a party before he graduates. it’s just before he gets piss drunk, and a test for her to see whether any of the remnants of feelings remain.

her heart feels as heavy as steel and yet she’s hollow through and through. within her, her heart is as dense as it is empty, something paradox.

there are so many lines i’ve crossed unforgiven

4. becoming a children’s fiction writer, it’s something she couldn’t even have fathomed in her dreams. she doesn’t think her fiction is for children, even now. it’s based off her own childhood for starters, and that’s appropriate for no child ever. perhaps it is the fantastical elements, the downright grimm-brothers-and-hans-christian-anderson tale that has been her life. like attracts the like, and she’s always thought of life as something a little mystical, unreal even.

something like a long dream she longs to wake up from. 

if everyone that was in her life could see her now. they’d laugh. ko mun yeong? a children’s book author? you must be joking. she hates children.

they’d be right too. she hates children---freud says daughters are a reflection of mother. she’d always thought that lunatic had some truth to his words despite his delusional works most of the times. she is her mother, and all she remembers from that woman is coldness and detachment and her child-like nature to constantly want to please the unhappy, un-pleasable woman. 

(if children got close to her, maybe they’d realize the same and she’d break them. she keeps away for them and herself).

---

she thinks of that boy at her gates. was he as naive and innocent as her? as the other children? would she have broken him then or now?

she’d hate herself more than she does now, more than she can fathom if she had broken him. she’s fine with everyone in the world hating her, but that small part of her traitorous ten-year-old heart still doesn’t want him to ever hate her. not with how much she likes him. still.

---

“was the witch lonely?” a little girl asks her once. her newest book is out, something about the tale of a witch who gobbled children up who came to her door. a little boy spots her eating a child once, her favorite little boy, and he stops at her gates before running away.

the witch never sees him again.

she blinks, and little pinpricks of tears are at the back of her eyes. she wills them not to fall because she’s helen and if she cries, troy will fall. she’s self-sacrificing.

“no, she was bad. a bad bad person. bad people don’t get lonely. they get their come-uppance and have to live with the guilt of their actions, the weight of it, and the people that leave them.” 

she answers it all in one short breath, before smiling and walking away.

---

“people aren’t always bad. they can change.”

not her.

clearing the air, i breathed the smoke

5.

her life has been on auto-pilot. after a certain level of fame, it all started getting a bit too monotonous for her. when the only constant in your life, your only friend is your goddamn publisher, you know it’s getting a little sad. 

she has more than she knows how to spend, and this job is more of a hobby, playing adult, than doing something for actual money. 

life’s too boring, and she aches for just something different. it’s times like this when she thinks of the boy. how unexpectedly delightful he was. a breath of fresh wind in her cooped-up house, something new, something unexpected.

maybe she just misses him. after all, it’s been twenty years now since she saw him last.

the boy...if she could have one wish, one last wish and demand and plea in her life, she’d like to him see him again maybe.

get entranced. transfixed. enchanted again.

(maybe this what people call burnout? boredom? is this what weber meant when he talked about the bureaucracy and disenchantment with life?)

---

sang in suggests she do charity, philantrophy. some of that corporate csr bullshit she’s not on, but he clearly babbles about day and night.

something about building her image.

as if good deeds now will redeem her and save her now. she’s far too gone to be recovered. it’s the gates of hell for her only.

it’s golden like daylight

and once,

1. spring brings back her love to her. they say love is like the tide of the four seasons, it fades in the cold of winter, but as the warmth of spring blooms in, love returns. 

she’s had a very long winter.

twenty some odd years, and the hazy bright golden sun and the pink cherry blossoms around her in a beautiful lovely spring of romance feels dizzying.

that gust of cold northern winds she’d felt from the boy’s arrival years ago, once again bursts in her chest. oxygen fills her lungs, and perhaps she just hasn’t breathed before as well as she does now. greedy little breaths of cold air, and she doesn’t want to return to that recycled, stuffy air.

they say three times is fate.

once, the first. she sees him in spring, walking up to her. pink petals around them. she drops cigarette ash in his cup.

twice, next. she raises a knife, a hand. he catches it, and it, his grasp, his fist tightens. blood flowing. red, red, red. the pink darkens.

it falls onto her hands, her sinner hands, her tight fists. and the mongolian blue mark stains red. (she’s always marked by violence.)

thrice. it’s fate. she’s almost in love. a little bit more and she’ll be there. heart palpitations, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, and her aching wet cunt. what is love without lust? she hasn’t felt like this before.

(if the boy was here, she’d think he would be just like moon gang tae. moon gang tae. moon gang tae. even the taste of his name on her mouth tastes heady. she feels light-headed and drunk off just this. would she die at the taste of him then?)

they meet in seongjin city. and she knows it’s her boy. that boy. the boy that remains at the gates of her house and her heart. 

---

later, months later. when she finally kisses him, she can taste the freezing north wind boreas in her mouth.

it’s burning like the heat of the golden sun.

[bloodofvalyriaarchive]

so i haven't talked much about what's happened since i put myself in the hospital and moved home. i was obviously really sick for a bit but i had some serious downtime and am feeling back to normal. ive gotten sober, ive been working out everyday, working on myself and connected with some old friends i had lost touch with over the years.

one of which is an old friend and lover named david. i dated him when i was 16 and he was my first kiss literally ever. my family was extremely religious growing up (jehovahs witnesses) and at around 15/16 was when i started to be vocal about my opinions on the organization and acting rebellious. i remember telling my parents i was sleeping at a friends to sneak around with him, and we just wandered around our small home town all night until the sun came up - just making out everywhere and sleeping in the park together. i have a lot of funny silly memories with him. my first kiss at the public pool, getting in BIG trouble with my parents for making out with him in front of the local mcdonald's i worked at, him literally picking me up by my ankles at school because i was like half the size of him and me HATING it and him but making out with him for hours anyways. when we broke up it was literally something from a coming of age comedy or something. he brought me to the staff parking lot of our high school and broke my little angsty heart lol. then when i looked up at the library window his FRIENDS were watching and i was horrified lmao. he was still always someone i considered safe after our separation, and i always had a little spot for him in my heart long after everything ended. later, in my early 20s we did reconnect for a time and had a physical relationship but it never really went anywhere beyond that, we were both still young and navigating our lives. we remained friends and he ended up with a woman who he had a baby with, i ended up in a relationship of five years. i sort of dropped off the face of the world for a bit and lost touch with a lot of my old friends i grew up with until recently. i remade facebook and we found each other on there immediately and started talking again a lot. i told him about all the shit id recently been through and he told me about where he was at in his life and honestly i thought he was still indifferent towards me until about a week ago. we fucked in his car, lol. the chemistry was unreal from literally the first kiss on and we spent the rest of the week together. he took me to the movies to see pearl, bought me dinner, bought me a dnd collectors edition of a source book i wanted?! that i mentioned literally once?)?? i spent every night sleeping at his house where he held me all night and just showered me with affection. he texts me the cutest shit in the WORLD telling me that i was always the one that got away, and how happy he is to have another chance. and i trust him. i feel safe with him. ive known him for half my life and he still gives me butterflies like im 16.

[weebsinstash]

Came back to your blog after 3 months because i knew u would have some hot political takes. Was not disappointed.

Well I'm, I'm not trying to post about politics too much on this blog, because this blog is supposed to be a source of comfort, but like. This is. An extremely significant development for human rights in America. A really really massively horrible development because they're not just taking away abortion rights, they're using it as a precedent to go after gay marriage and other things next. Like for example? There's literally a sitting Republican US senator from Texas named James Cornyn and he literally, i shit you not, retweeted former president Obama talking about how we should undo laws preventing segregation next

Like this isn't even a fucking joke anymore. I can't even fathom it. That a sitting member of our government not only said something as disgustingly heinous as "yeah now that abortion isn't constitutionally protected we should do the separation of races next" but decided to say it by retweeting our former black president like ????? This country is actually going down in fucking flames right now???? We are actually descending into Christo-fascism while being told this is democracy in action???

Like even when I write things about abusive partners or reproductive abusers, that's still in the scope of fiction. We can all read it and consume it and sure, it might make some people uncomfortable, but we all know it's not real. But now in reality the country im living in is being taken captive by the deeply conservative religious far right and now, being forced to have babies even if it kills you is something politicians in my country are FIGHTING to do

Like. Jesus Christ. Did you know in 2019 Ohio tried to pass a bill where, in the case of an ectopic pregnancy, the doctor is ordered to reimplant the fetus into the womb or face "abortion murder charges". Like, literally, that is literally a surgery that does not exist and has never even been successfully attempted. We literally do not even have that science yet. It is literally impossible. But these psychotic fucks are so out of touch that you either listen to them or they throw you in jail

Oh and uh. It doesn't even end here? Have you guys heard that across the pond, the UK government is trying to overturn a law that is literally called the human rights act and. Reading everything that would be undone makes me physically sick. If that law is overturned, if you're chronically ill or disabled even just with autism the government can assign you a DNR without your consent? Just basically fucking say you don't deserve to live and KILL YOU? They're also going to rule on if police are obligated to protect your human rights, very similar to a case we had here in America, 2005 Castle Rock, where the Supreme Court decided that no, the police aren't obligated to protect you.

So yeah uh. I'm kinda of just honestly constantly depressed and panicking a lot and that's why I don't write a lot anymore. Like I WANT TO but. It's like I'm living in a nightmare.

Also last thing I want to say. Please for the love of God start doing research TODAY about the candidates for your state's primary elections coming up in August. I live in Minnesota which is basically THE ONLY STATE IN THE MIDWEST that is currently protecting abortion rights and the Republicans are already firing up their base to try and elect a new governor. Like I literally hear old men talking about taking back the house and the senate on the bus and i want to SOB

I just really, I'm fucking crying, I just really cannot BEG ENOUGH that we all get out to the polls because it keeps getting worse. The Republicans are trying to break your spirit and make you lose faith in voting and we CAN'T, we have to keep voting, it's the only power we have! We can't just watch them ruin our country and ruin our planet and ruin our future!

So yeah. Please start doing research if you're in the states and start researching who is running for governor, secretary of state, etcetera, because uh. The Republicans are probably going to take everything back including the next presidential election and. They're literally setting things up where they'll have the majority power for decades. The fact that the Supreme Court has become majority conservative is going to shape all of our laws for decades to come until some of them either die or be removed. I'm just scared. I dont think there's any coming back from this. I think our country is only going to get worse from here on out, and we're going to take the rest of the world down with us

[mononijikayu]

was talking to a pro-jaehaerys stan and when they brought up that jaehaerys was deserving of the throne and im just looking at things in a way too modern outlook

but like we have clear evidence of the importance of valyrian women in their society, pre-doom and after the doom. why do you think daenys the dreamer was quickly believed about her visions? had there been a gap between their upbringing, do you not think aegon the conqueror would see his sisters as lesser partners? the women of the targaryen bloodline was literally a deep importance to their success. as per this, it is not bias. it is the genuine set up of the damn valyrian society passed on to the remnants of valyrians like targaryens.

rhaena was first born and then married her brother, which combined their claims that passed on to their daughters. and like them going like, rhaena couldn't even declare war upon maegor. rhaena was literally IMPRISONED AND FORCED INTO A MARRIAGE???

how do you think she would be able to declare a war at this stage where she was WELL AWARE her kids could just as much end up with the same fate as her brother-husband and literally with maegor basically isolating her from the world and keeping her in constant watch - HOW WOULD SHE BE ABLE TO PLAN A WAR??? LITERALLY SHE WAS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT HER DAMN KIDS????

like the whole point of maegor making aerea his heir was less about keeping with the tradition of valyrian succession but more a form of control against rhaena, who again, imprisoned in a forced marriage. and her supporting jaehaerys was literally the only way to keep her daughters safe??? like compared to her uncle who killed her husband, forced her to marriage and is intimidating her by keeping her daughters, her brother was a safer bet. even if it meant giving up her crown to jaehaerys, her daughters mattered more.

and also like he declared himself king already??? compared to rhaena, he had managed to find time to make allies. he surrounded himself with lords of the realm and ready to take on their uncle. knowing her instinct as a mother FIRST, she decided to protect her children first and give her brother her support thinking that it would be the best idea. literally why she also was the rightful person to hand him blackfyre - she's handing over HER CLAIM to keep her daughters safe.

also jaehaerys naming of aerea as heir was also pretty much for his own agenda - that's why there was allegedly a switch that happened so that rhaena could protect her and her husband's main heir, while keeping the spare within the faith. this profound especially now that jaehaerys was now playing nice with the faith. if the faith had her, then jaehaerys wouldn't move against them, considering they just had a civil war with the faith. and with the destruction that shit caused - do you think jaehaerys wouldn't just kiss ass to the faith instead rather than risk another religious uprising???like thats the best way to keep her daughters safe. one way or another, one of her daughters gotta survive should something happen like???

also even when jaehaerys offered to give her a position in the small council, she knew he wasn't going to listen to her. i mean, if he couldn't listen to alysanne about making clean accessible water available for the sick citizens of his realm, why would he listen to rhaena about her outlooks in the realm??? like jaehaerys BYPASSED alysanne all the damn time. he was literally the reason that house targaryen started to bypass female authority, he was the reason for the loss of the valyrian succession rights and really made house targaryen near its downfall. the man lived so long, people forgot there was female presence for power in their house.

just look at the way he arranged marriages for alliances. he was pretty stupid about it, far more than alysanne and he was horrible to his kids. like he had no right to miss saera after what he did to her. many of the women in jaehaerys's life was his victims and that really includes his sisters and his nieces. rhaena was really right to do waht she could to protect her daughters.

[murlocks]

hello I'm your competitor in the failboy contest and please tell me about Jeremy I want to hear about your cringefail vampire guy if you're okay talking about him

HI okay yes im always okay talking about him i made a propaganda post abt him but i can probably think up more to say i always have more to say about him

first things first: i hate him. (/pos) i want to wrap him in a rug and roll him down a flight of stairs he is an absolute wet paper bag of a man and i am never not thinking about him.

hes an absolute pussy but hes also an adrenaline junkie so he purposefully provokes his murderous cannibalistic vultureguy boyfriend simply for the entertainment. hes gay and god wont let him die so he finds getting an attractive man to try and kill him quite the emotionally fulfilling activity. asher (his boyfriend) is a little bit fucked up (/pos) so he goes along with it but they both know jeremy will be completely fine its stress relief for both of them tbh

second: some backstory. fair warning for like . vampire-typical religious trauma?? i dunno tbh

he was raised in like . a classic religious town and he was very much a juvenile delinquent so ppl around town didnt really like him and it only got worse when he got turned bc of course everyone in that town was raised to think that vampires were horrible abominations that go against god or whatever stupid shit you can think of theyve probably been taught that. so he kinda internalized all that and obviously when he got turned against his will he had a horrible crisis of faith and was questioning what he did to deserve this fate. obviously if vampires are bad and hes a vampire that means hes bad and he did something to deserve getting turned into one. yeah that boys a little fucked up in the head.

he got chased out of town once he was discovered to be a vampire. after he got turned, he went back home and locked himself away for about a week trying to process it and didnt come out bc he felt like shit physically (obviously, he literally just died and got turned into a vampire, i would feel a little ill about it too) but eventually his like . one singular friend he had in town came to check on him because hed been missing for a while and he told them everything because he thought he could trust them, he told them "there was this guy who attacked me a couple nights ago and i passed out and i woke up in the middle of the street the next morning and the sun hurt and ive been so hungry ever since but none of the food ive eaten has helped and i dont know whats going on. everything hurts and i feel so sick i dont know whats wrong" and his friend is like. Oh. Oh Fuck . and they run off under the guise of finding him medicine/food/whatever but of course instead of doing what they said they would they go straight to one of the towns religious leaders and they gather up a bunch of people to either kill him or chase him out of town.

he escapes, narrowly, but now hes got nowhere to go. hes never left his little town, he has no family or friends to go to, hes basically screwed. he finds himself wandering for days on end just kinda contemplating his life (and beating himself up for getting turned in the first place, because OBVIOUSLY its gotta be his fault somehow. he mustve done something wrong for his friend to be so eager and ready to turn on him its gotta be his fault) and eventually he stumbles upon this little desert town in the middle of nowhere. theres a big old abandoned mansion on a cliff overlooking the town, and, of course, jeremy, the overdramatic (like, theater kid levels of dramatic) idiot that he is, goes, "oh! thats perfect! ill live there!"

and he lives there pretty much undisturbed for approximately 20 years. he has absolutely zero human contact because hes scared of hurting people and he subsists off animal blood from the meager livestock the townspeople own. hes not doing too hot mentally of course, hes a trainwreck with literally nothing to do but sit alone in his house and listen to his own thoughts, but he survives, at least.

until, one day, asher, (my boyfriends oc), one very curious citizen of the nearby town, accepts a dare to go explore the abandoned mansion at the top of the cliff. theres rumors spreading that its haunted, and surely he would earn some respect from his peers if he could survive a night there, right? he can prove theres nothing too dangerous there at all.

until he opens the door. and awakens a very disgruntled vampire from his midday nap.

and the rest is history.

part three: boyfriend endeavors. serious warning for violence and vampire-typical "cannibalism" and less vampire-typical Actual Fucking Cannibalism. also fair warning jeremy and ashers relationship dynamic is more than a little fucked up but theyre both aware of it and its all fully consensual because they are both more than a little fucked up

for a while, they both believe the other is a Completely Normal Guy (albeit, asher is a seemingly Normal Guy with massive fuck-off bird wings and jeremy is. well hes jeremy, but still) until one night jeremy is out and about trying to find some source of food in the town, climbing across rooftops and shit and all of a sudden he stumbles upon asher, elbows deep in a human corpse and absolutely covered in blood. he has the end of a bone sticking out of his mouth. this is completely normal Asher Behavior but jeremy is not aware of that. he loses his footing on the roof he is standing on and goes tumbling down into the street.

asher turns around to look at him and hes got this crazed look on his face and jeremy is just staring at him trying to figure out what the fuck hes supposed to say in this situation because he just fucking walked in on his one and only friend literally Eating A Person but he has no room to judge and asher looks more attractive covered in blood than he has any right to be and jeremy does not have time to unpack all that.

so, after a solid minute of staring at each other, jeremy goes "so. uh. you gonna finish that?" and asher bursts out laughing.

he explains his whole vampire situation and asher explains that he does not have any such situation hes just a bit fucked up and he enjoys eating bones. you know what, fuck it, hes a vulture guy, it makes sense. kinda. whatever. jeremy cant judge.

at this point in time, jeremy is still very much ashamed of who and what he is. he is more than aware that the animal blood he is surviving off of is not very nutritious whatsoever and if he wants any type of proper quality of life hes gonna have to feed off of an actual human person someday. hes not looking forward to it. but asher is just?? fucking sitting there?? eating literal human bones just because he feels like it????? and jeremy doesnt know how to process that. hes morally opposed to it but instinctually he knows thats what he should be doing. and from there on out asher actively endeavors to get jeremy to be less catholic guilt-y about the whole thing. he genuinely doesnt give a fuck and it gives him a headache to see jeremy being all stressed about it so he makes it his life mission to absolutely destroy that boys morals. and it works. it fucking works.

asher is such a horrible influence and he has made jeremy so much worse from an outsider standpoint but jeremys mental health is so much better with ashers involvement in his life and theyre so horrible for each other but theyre also a perfect match. they drive me insane.

ive probably missed a lot in this post and i have so much more i could say about him and asher but thats whats on my brain right now. theyre both so fucked up i hate them (/pos)

[raethethey]

hey its me. rae. im fine. im just having a breakdown rn and uhh idk how to deal with that really. like in a healthier way. whenever i was little and had an overwhelming experience or a day filled with anxiety i would shut down and escape to my room and turn on music and hug my blankie. but like thats not really dealing with the issue yk, its ignoring it until i forget abt it and then it happens again sometime later. i get stressed over the little things and they pile up. but idk when the mountain ever topples bc i pile it up behind me if that makes sense. just throwing it over my shoulder yk.

read at your own risk. i delve deep into traumas.

i grew up in a sheltered house, lower middle class, religion available to me. i didnt show up to school and have teachers pull me aside and ask me questions abt my parents and home life. but i did have issues. i apparently had a mother who occasionally abused alcohol (i guess i blocked this out and thought she was just smiley a lot) i had a father who decided a belt was more efficient than his hand when disciplining us, soap mouth washing was normal, holding his hand over my sisters mouth so the neighbors wouldnt hear her absolute monster of a meltdown screams (she could scream/ i was sitting on my bed watching this and covering my ears as best i could) yes he let her breathe but she was 7(?) she would just take a breath to scream again. i witnessed holes in the wall but never a bruise on my mother or father. (thats when cps was called) (thats when i realised i would become a statistic kid someday). i witnessed so many tears and yelling and walking out the front door (or even getting out of the car on a highway exit in the middle of a state we didnt live in to get away from him) i witnessed my mother connect with the ladies at church who didnt wear big hoop earrings or high heels or gaudy make up bc they grew up with 'bigger' struggles. (divorced parents, trailer homes, smoking, a sister who got pregnant at 14). i witnessed my dad struggle with someone who wasnt a good match for him but he was religious, death should happen before divorce. he would plead and beg and that sound when his voice cracked haunts me to this day. on the 28th of december when they gathered us to tell us they were divorcing i stood up, said, "i knew it." and went to my room until i had to pee or eat or go to school i dont remember. i lived between 2 separate houses until i turned 18 always lugging my sister around after she came back from boarding school for 2 years. i chose to live with my dad bc he was more financially and mentally stable. do i regret that? almost everyday. would i go back and change my choice? no.

im attending college rn with almost nothing in my bank account and no more help from dad. im scared bc im not smart, i believe i have learning issues bc not every teacher teaches the same and its been a constant guessing game as to whether ill pass or not based on them. i can apply myself when i get interested but if you lecture us like youre talking like a middle schooler abt the weather in an awkward convo with your crush, what the hell am i supposed to get excited abt?

how am i supposed to live in a home that expects more than i think i can give just because im an adult? with a man who doesnt understand social anxiety or burn out or depression bc he has the lord and faith and hope and he doesnt need to worry abt whats next. how am i supposed to recover from a night of not sleeping and watching youtube videos to drown out the thoughts (sometimes suicidal) and then be expected to get up at 8am and go apply to 7 jobs and grocery shop for your ass and clean the house and not take a nap that turns into 15hours of dead sleep at noon bc im adult and thats just what adults do.

no thats society. thats society fucking everything up for ill minds and those with disabilities and disorders and chronic sickness. society tells me i need to move out at 18 (when your brain only finishes developing at 27 ish). society tells me i need to figure out my life when im not even a 1/10th thru it. to get a degree at 22 a job at 23 bc youve interned somewhere for 2 years already and have that job for 50ish years, a spouse a house and kids at some point during that time and still be financially okay and be able to pay off student loans and hospital bills and mortgage and whatever else. society says fuck you all the fucking time and i cant fucking stand it.

im not ready to be 23. im not knowledgeable on how life works bc i was sheltered. we were poor we couldnt look stuff up willy nilly, if i did i was terrified i wasnt allowed to bc god is always watching, youll go to hell. i know nothing abt sex ed bc our teacher wasnt even fully certified. i know nothing abt taxes or bills bc we didnt have a finance class available. i know nothing abt dating bc no boys until youre 30. i know nothing.

when my parents split and i lived with my mom every other week, i searched everything under the sky in my room at night bc i was scared. i was scared my dad might find out that i thought [sally] was cuter than [sam]. that i was jealous of [jasons] body and the way it was shaped. that i liked the way [marys] voice sound bc she was cool on tv (she smoked) the way [johns] voice sounded bc it was lower. i read fanfiction as soon as i knew what it was. when i gravitated toward more mlm fics i was scared of those new apps coming out that let a parent see what their kid was doing.

when i graduated high school and didnt know what to do with myself for two years, i drowned myself in fanfiction and fantasies. when i was given an ultimatum of moving out or going to school and/or working i chose school bc by then i had found kpop. i fell in love with something for the first time in a while since fanfiction. i like the new language i hadnt really ever heard before other than psy's song that rocked the world. i realised ive always loved languages why not teach mine? thats popular. so i chose school, i dragged myself through months of mental torture and physical stress torture and im still doing it bc one day ill live a dream that was forced upon me bc i know im not ready for the world. and bc i chose school i met some of the greatest ppl. ppl who accept me for who i truly am bc that summer wasnt just abt kpop it was abt realising i was not a girl. i wasnt a boy either but goddamn idk what i am. so not only did i read abt gay men but i read abt gay anything. researching wtf was going on in my head. what exactly do i feel like, who am i attracted to, what do i want in life in a partner if i ever get one

and through all this in the back of my head im still thinking im not good enough for my dad bc he believes that even just who i am is a sin, im not good enough for mom bc i chose dad, im not good enough for myself bc im lazy and incapable of doing normal things and a wimp and a loser. im not good enough. i dont deserve this. i shouldve been kicked out years ago. thats how you know if youll make it (i wouldntve). theres smth wrong with me and my brain. the doctor said i had depression and gave me pills i didnt want bc pills make it real. there really is smth wrong with me. thats why they dont love me, they dont think im good enough. i havent been to a doctor in 6 years (1 covid hit so i just couldnt 2 i cant make the fucking phone call on my own) i know i have anxiety and worse depression. i think i have other stuff bc like i mentioned when i think theres smth wrong with me i research the fuck out of it.

cant even keep a best friend. the one in elementary moved, elementary-middle i moved schools, middle-high school stopped talking to me out of the blue, my church friend from elementary is still my best friend and has many the same views abt religion aa i do now and accepts me and loves me for who i am, but shes getting married this year. still have my college bestie but its only been 2 years. i hate myself for thinking 'wait until its been 7, he'll hate you then, but hes too nice to drop you to your face he'll just ghost you like the last one did'

cant commit to a partner either. first one was a mess, he had anger issues. second didnt respect the law. third one was 3yrs older and ready for marriage. 4th was going to the navy in a month. 5th (first girl) was in israel. i was the one who ended them all. my current partner is literally amazing and im scared the day they realise i literally cannot commit. we will dance around commitment forever until you get bored and realise i was just there bc i want to try but deep down know i cant and wont succeed. im scared the day they leave bc they think im playing with them and i unintentionally break their heart. im scared bc i know that will never happen, ill leave them before they can bc i dont want to string them along bc i cant commit.

well ive "journaled" for like and hour now and i need to pee. so thanks for reading if you did. im sorry if you were triggered. i dont want responses. i just needed to get this out.

[divorce]

clarifying post

listen, i'm sorry to shove gofundme links in everyone's face after not being around since 2016 -- i just wake up in a tent every day and think, "fuck!!"

let me just say, "i don't expect anyone from tumblr to donate to me" i keep reading posts with 30,000+ notes that are like, 'yeah yall its not much but lets just keep shifting the small amount of wealth that we have access to around cause that's all we really have #mutualaid" i don't care about that, that's not what i'm asking

all i need is for signal boost and someone to act as 'legitimate person' between me and the public, to help carry me to the top right now i'm only committed to raising my energy to 10-25% tops. i'm setting a low bar for myself. that is why my 'content', its all horse-shit, i literally take a nap most days when im on there cause no one's watching, so if it was the most impressive talent i have to showcase or bs it doesn't matter... i'm telling you, deaf ears, the void, audience, impressions, sorted, w/e i'm going up to 100% in the next 3 years i never thought i would be alive this long, as a celebration of my life & Art while in the prime of my life, in the seat of my consciousness, i owe it to myself to perform at my best ; i am now progressing towards making the best art of my life, it would be great

if while at my peak i wasn't still forced to pack up every 3-6 months and shuffle around unhoused, unwashed, unfed, with no protection, exposed to the elements, with no relatives, income, or connections.

i've had people successfully raise funds for me in the past; alone however i do not have any 'social media' so i cannot 'share it', i need 'you guys' ie someone from the internet to take over for me on the 'social media campaign :D yahoo!' side for me, i am an extreme introvert hikki that does ceremonial magick, religious prostrations, lots of bowing, who was neglected at birth ~I CANNOT ADVOCATE FOR MYSELF WORTH SHIT~

I have a house, let me tell you about My House... My Uncle Jim lives in My House, in 2006 when my grandma was sick and in hospice my uncle Jim snuck in and had her sign over the will to the family house which was supposed to go to me and my cousin, the next generation, but Jim took over the deed, and sat in My House, forcing 3 of his brothers out (they died, my dad included). I sat homeless in the streets & my amputee cousin has to work and rent, while Jim sits in My House smoking crack & meth and being a nazi pedophile making 'ball' jokes. Jim has a piece of paper that says "I bought this house for $1 from my mom :P", and I have no such paper, so I have no legal recourse to take back the home from the person who killed my father and my two favorite uncles and made my life worse... My mom also bought my a house 3 years ago. She 100% planned, visited, bought, a home, in front of me, and then said... "You are homeless", and that I "need to work". I think, after over a decade of being homeless, what would work best for me, for solving the problem of homelessness, for me, is I need a home. I think I need access to permenant stable housing. I've tried work, that's fine, whatever. I actually need access to a place to work from. so. My family is not there for me. The Internet I need you to be my family please and transfer me generational wealth so I can get on with my life please and stop being homeless immediately thank you. I'm sorry to lump this on the general internet, but you raised me more than my parents. I'm looking for my Chosen Family. please show up. Share the links and take over for me because after so long I cannot handle this stress.

[konohoshis]

initial reactions ttpd era

fortnight

i like it a lot! the ending picks up and makes it more enjoyable

the sound is really nice and chill

lyrics havent hit me but i really do enjoy it

ttpd

theres something deeper here that i like but i cant put my finger on

also the bridge :c

might not add this one

my boy only breaks his favorite toys

i like this one again

the lyrics are good

good metaphors and i can see a story in my head

down bad

its very catchy yay yay

i love this one aaggh

love instrumental a lot too

so long, london

"i left all i knew, you left me at the house" jesus christ

"and i'm just getting color back into my face" sigh

i feel sick i think

i have nothing to say ahaha

but daddy i love him

another beautiful intrustumental

beautiful lyrics

love this one a lot

fresh out the slammer

like this one

shes so happy to be back in the spotlight

florida!!!

i am confusion

its a interesting sound tho

not sure how i feel

guilty as sin

i kinda like it

whos afraid of little old me

this is starting off really good omg

love this one aaa

i can fix him (no really i can)

no thoughts, skip

loml

lots of grave and marriage and religious themes

instrumental is gorgeous

white to grey

wow

loved this wow

i can do it with a broken heart

IM GONNA THROW UP AHAHA

HATE THAT I CLAIMED THIS ONE 😭 SO FUNNY AT THE END THO

the smallest man who ever lived

sheesh..

UMM???

"I'LL FORGET YOU BUT I WONT FORGIVE"

yikes wow

liked this one a lot too

the alchemy

like this one a lot

the beat is chill again, love it

love the lyrics

clara bow

like how this is starting out

another yoyok? love it

love it love it

the black dog

love how this sounds too

i love this one so much

possible fave

imgonnagetyouback

i kinda like it

yeah i like it

the albatross

the instrumental is so good

i like this one too

"cross your thoughtless heart"

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus

wow

love this one too

how did it end?

so absorbed in the atomosphere of this one

i like it a lot

so high school

feels like a travis song

its cute

i hate it here

for introverts like me <3

love this one

thanK you aIMee

hmmm

i look in peoples windows

interesting

i loved it but it was short noo

the prophecy

agh

help me

stop writing songs abt me pls

cassandra

absorbed in the story again

peter

another reference to peter pan

wonder if it means a lot to her

interesting

i like this one too

the bolter

interesting

i kinda like it

robin

no thoughts ;-;

the manuscript

no thoughts -_-

[deathtopoetica]

relapse

tw; imagery of grooming, SH, religious trauma, neglect, invalidation over and over and over and over

you are riding a carousel. a carousel made of rusting metal and rotting blood and drips with ink and disease.

its hot. so hot. it reeks of fever.

but the disgust is what the appeal is. the horror is what you enjoy, it's that feeling that your doing something horrible to yourself that makes you happy, isn't it?

you aren't a fucking victim. your doing this for attention.

and just because your skin is cut by rusting nails, and your eyes bleed with the horrors you've witnessed, doesn't change the fact that you

want to be here.

over

and over

and over

and over again.

i come back to the carousel.

and over and over, i take that seat. i sit on the ride, even if i dont enjoy it.

familiarity is the biggest comfort to me. and this is the fairgrounds i grew up on.

since birth i have been nothing but broken and sick. since birth i have wished to be abused so horrifically, so that maybe, just maybe, it would make up for how i feel.

it's not that i want to die. its just that i struggle to live without knowing that i am useful to someone, even if their intentions are bad.

so i come crawling back, to those who will hold me, even if when they let go i may be clawed beyond repair.

but at least i was held.

over and over

and over

and over again.

its so funny to live with this expiration date on my wrist.

knowing that years from now i will no longer be sought after. i will be too old. my eyes will no longer shine with innocence and for that, i am undesirable. i have been used too much.

and i know you don't get it.

unless you have been printed (4 years)

with it, you don't notice it exists. you don't notice the branding on my hip declaring me useless after some time.

sometimes i wonder why im like this.

is it because you (father)

left me so young? is that why i must find my affection from nefarious sources, just as you were the original wellspring?

a sinner draped in silk makes you no less a sinner. and maybe i am the only one who can see your fingertips drip with virgin blood.

maybe it runs in the family. maybe we are all diseased with a sick, burning lust that curls up in our chest and devours us from the inside.

maybe you are all i am looking for. maybe this is what the point is at the end of the day. for you to make eyecontact with me and for once not forget my name.

i have not heard it fall from your lips for years now. we live in the same house.

i wonder if you ever noticed the windows in my bedroom have no screen, and a ladder leads to them.

i wonder if you noticed your own son was violated, just a few doors over from your room?

or i wonder if you care.

i wonder if your nose is tucked into a bible, and your body covered in black robes, is enough to distract you from

me?

like it has for all these years?

over

and over

and over

and over

again.

i wonder if we're on different sides of the same carousel.

if you, too, struggle with the demons you shove in the closet.

if like me, your body is covered with verses fallen from bloody chapped lips, or sticky with kisses from mouths you never actually loved?

over and over and over and over

you are riding a carousel. a carousel made of rusting metal and rotting blood and drips with ink and disease.

its hot. so hot. it reeks of fever.

but the disgust is what the appeal is. the horror is what you enjoy, it's that feeling that your doing something horrible to yourself that makes you happy, isn't it?

you with your bible and me with my love letters.

two sides of the same coin.

two sides of the same carousel.

over

and over

and over again.

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

my mom still doesnt get that her forcing me to believe in god rn is making shit worse. i told her that the problems is her forcing me all the time to pray and become religious when in fact it just reminds me of before and is triggering me. she wont fucking understand that ill deal with religion once ive finished fixing my shit up. yk what she said to me? she said she's not gonna stop forcing me to become a christian cause she firmly believes its the only way to fix me. see? shes so closed minded and then expects me to become better. why not try listening to my reason that her forcing me to become religious just fucks me up even more? like bro ill be a christian when i want to but not now okay? cant she fucking understand that?

she kept forcing me to tell her what i hate sm about her cause she wants to be a better mom, and when i finally said its because of her forcing me to be religious, she says right into my face without any intentions of listening to my reasons that she wont stop it. she said shes gonna stop for a while, but once im mentally stable after therapy, she's gonna force me again. i cant with her anymore. i bet shes gonna go crying and controlling me if ever i become an atheist or maybe a different religion cause shes so obsessed with me getting saved and for me to go to heaven cause she loves me.

and you wanna know whats worse? i cant leave this house til i get a job cause i dont wanna starve either and i dont know a single shit on how to live and feed myself. i cant even cross the streets or buy things by myself cause she has always been gatekeeping me.

and then earlier she vents right into my face again that she's sorry she couldnt raise me like a great mom would. shes sorry that she couldnt support me. shes sorry cause she said her parents didnt give her any of those too. now im guilt tripped again and im supposed to feel sorry for her and understand her again? im supposed to suck it up one more time and get traumatized even further cause my parents are mentally unstable? am i supposed to pretend to do what she wants again just so i can escape from her nagging all the time? like she wont stop unless i do what she wants. but i cant leave this house either cause how the hell am i gonna eat? where am i gonna sleep?

she said shes gonna give me a link to a therapist that she might give me to, but at this state?? i dont actually know... my dads already closed himself off from us and theyre fighting bc of money again. its impossible that my dad would even be giving us something to pay for my therapy, so im not gonna get my hopes up.

and also whenever my mom argues with my dad, she doesnt shut up about god either. i kinda understand my dad why he just shuts himself off cause my mom's too close minded. my dads got issues too, like alot. but my moms just not someone you should really be arguing with cause she doesnt really stop talking about god.

when i tried confronting her that she's the problem and that her not shutting up about god was the thing making me feel worse, she said i was disrespecting god. see? i hate it so much honestly.

i dont wanna hear anymore of her and i dont want her trying to help me with this. its not helping i swear, but she insists and never gets tired of forcing god to me. i already told her im not ready to deal with that and asked her to stop. she said she'd temporarily stop and i hate it. she has no plans of stopping it.

im really just so sick of me being the bad example every bible study they do. im sick of them telling me my life was fucked up cause i never prayed. im sick of them. and i dont wanna hear anything about the bible anymore til ive recovered cause it just reminds me every time that my family sees me as some kind of demon. they see my rage as a symbol that the devil has control of me. its so fucking annoying. it was originally grief that i couldnt let out cause my mom shuts me up every time i break down. she forced me to suck up and not cry, so i ended up turning my sadness into this uncontrollable rage. this rage of mine was built up and was in me for years BECAUSE OF HER. AND NOW SHE TELLS ME THAT IF I DONT LET GO OF THAT RAGE IT WILL RUIN ME? WHO THE FUCK WAS THE REASON I GOT THIS RAGE HUH?

she said shes aware she was a bad parent before but shes asking for a second chance. she said i shouldnt shut myself off from her just because of what happened. actually she said she'd understand it that ill never forgive her, but it would be alot better for both of us if i wouldnt be so scared of fixing this with her...

that actually made me kinda regret what i did to you. yeah i was hurt a lot but by cutting you off from my life just made me more miserable, which wouldnt have happened if i tried fixing it with you. if i didnt shut you off and gave you a chance to fix it, then i wouldnt be drowning in my own sadness. im sorry if this is annoying cause i always dont know how to deal with my problems. im sorry if im still so conflicted right now and asking if i can come back to you when youve already let go and ive already hurt you by saying that im leaving. im really sorry for asking this but if you'd ever read this i wish i can come back. i wont forget that youve hurt me and broke my trust, but mistakes happen. i shouldnt be too sensitive and closing myself every time something happens. i know its too late but if it would really be fine if i come back...

[razerback]

families who live off-grid and homeschool their kids raise so many red flags to me. whether they're religious or not it's kind of a fucked up way to live.. at some point those kids are going to grow up and realise they know how to keep bees and maintain a dirt outhouse but not how to talk to anyone their age or function in a first-year uni lecture without coming off as an unbearable prig