#im sure its the reason for almost all my mental health problems and i cant even discuss it

[his-littlefox]

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

[bicon-crange]

can the nosey ones know abt ur crush? :3c dw if not. my condolences (positive)

yeah sure why not i cant stop fucking talking about it anyways.

iiii dont know if its necessarily a crush though!! definitely an obsession. definitely some kind of. fixation. thanks for your condolences i definitely fucking need them. TT-TT )

its like. uh. this person i know whos sooo articulate and smart and. theyre really sweet. yknow BASIC SHIT. theyre great everyone likes them.

anyways when we first started talking it was like. some kinda. there was clashing. i guess is how you could put it? but every time we finished talking i felt soo like. electrified. like buzzing. like my whole body was just shaking. adrenaline? maybe?

i really thought at first that it was just a friendly interest. some sort of.. y'know intellectual thing! you meet someone whos so much smarter than you and whos ideas are so well put together and who thinks YOU'RE interesting and of course you want to know more of how their brain works of course youre. captivated a bit yknow? thats like. normal. to feel. i think.

oh the first couple times we talked i went so nuts! i reread over our convos like a thousand times and reiterated our talks several times to EVERYONE in my house. its so actually embarrassing. but they were good convos you HAAAVE to understand. it was like. ducking weaving. it was like. some sort of mental exercise . and i thought it was like. normal. but it just kept. HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING.

and i tell you what this was a lot easier a month or so ago when i was like I JUST REALLY LIKE TALKING TO THIS PERSON!! ^_^ (<- STILL A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY) cause ugh. lately its like. ever since the thought popped in my head that this interest MIIIGHT be romantic in nature its. ALLLL DAY thinking about them its so nuts! its so constant!! its literally like a fucking DISEASE... i feel like. angry over it? spiteful? almost? it reminds me of when i had a crush on a guy in elementary school and I didnt know how to handle it so i beat the hell out of him with a lunch box.

like im over here forgetting shit left and right and messing up basic conversation skills and having heart palpitations and theyre like. fine probably. iiii honestly dont think they even think about me lol. i mean definitely not as much as i am,easy, because im totally insane and obsessive i know this.

we also dont talk so much! its not very often! so yeah im sure they dont think about me as much. im even definitely sure if i ever verbalized this it wouldnt work out. ive visualized them turning me down like 20 different ways for 20 different reasons just today. lots of reasons yknow! im mentally unwell and totally nuts, im immature and also very ugly im unable to carry out a meaningful relationship because of my chronic pain problems and various health issues, all of that is fine but my obsessive nature is really freaky,LD relationships are a no-go, they just dont like me that way, ect ect ect.

its sooo stupid. its SO middle school. they type a response to me and i can barely look at the screen. i feel SO fucking stupid its insane. im like. going to claw my eyes out of my head and chew on them till they burst. i hate it here. and its never going to be reciprocated whatsoever so im literally not even going to try.

BESIDES Y'KNOW!! I DONT EVEN KNOW FOR SURE IF THATS WHAT IM FEELING!! its been wracking my brain for a week straight!! its like. am i just fascinated on an intellectual level, am i just interested in an anthropological sense, are these just really good conversations, if this just normal friendship and im making things super weird? am i just excited that someone seems to get what im saying about what im interested in? yknow. dumb.

either way TLDR; im waiting for it to pass. either I'll sort my own feelings out or itll pass! if its infatuation, GOOD, that has a expiration date of 1-2 years so i will just box it up and not think about it and not do anything about it. ^_^ )9 and it WILL die. BUT if you know how to force that process to go along faster let me KNOW.

[thusspakejasminefofazmine]

Hey, Something has been wrong with my heart.

Maybe POTS? IDk, I was in the ER a week ago wrapped up like a sand person double N5 masked with cloth over it and a face sheild and swim goggles and more goggles on top with hair covered because

Partial vaccinated because my friend got if and was dead in hours of an anuerism and I have an anxiety/mental health dissorder. 😭😖

Im so ashamed! Please God forgive me🙏🏻

I deeply regret not getting it sooner. I understood the science and saw the math playing out. I’d been entirely isolated, never going out/having everything delivered and wiping down everything with med grade sterilizing wipes while taking care of my 2 year old alone even fully isolated from my wonderful husband who works at a busy dallas airport,

passing him food through a cracked window while masked. This has been going on over a year!

Finaly my reasoning overwhelms my sense of fear and I make an apt for vaccine.

Then, Two night befor vaccine apt something happens I cant explain. Waking up with uncontralable shivers all over. Idk what is happining? I dont have blood sugar problems but think maybe low? Drink juice feet in hot water. No fever. It goes away.

Next day it happens again. Wtf is going on. Gettjng worried.

Take a covid home test to be certain- negative. I havnt had exposure. But I’m paranoid.

It happens again- I wrap up with masks and everything I can and call an ambulance when my resting pulse is over 140 and I’m dizzy with pains

Mckinney Ambulance driver: you know Covid isnt real right? Me 😲. They say: your stable going is optional and you’ll wait!

I stay home.

Wednesday comes I get my shot 🙏🏻 and the asshole pharmacist at the walgreens at 1651 w university drive mckinney tx wouldnt put on a mask even after I asked. Its store policy! He never wears a mask and keeps his job and nobody says anything while he’s handling medications.

Whatever is happening to me is coming and going all the time now. Idk what it is. Its happening while I sleep. Pulse is crazy during during the day 160 pounding just walking between rooms

Now I cant take care of my toddler. Husband has to help me go to bathroom. He cant work.

Having chest pains! I put on all the masks and crap and grab my sanitizer and go to the ER they send me home with chest pains and said see a catdiologist asap. Ekg clear. While I’m there the Nurses and doctors Refuse to keep appropriate distance. Leave my room door open while pwople are outside sick I hooe 2 N95 and cloth on top will be enough

😓😭 wtf. They say if chest pains come back we’ll see you again.

Next day ER is at full capacity. feel like I’m dying racing heart chest pain. Another Self covid test is negative. I wrap up again and go to a care now people everywhere no masks looking at me like I’m crazy all wrapped up trying to keep safe. Ekg clear. Idk what to do. They give me antibiotics for maybe a uti?

Its friday Cardiologist cant se me till monday afternoon - every day and night i think i’m going to die. Pulse is insane. I sit and try to keep pulse down for the weekend. Its bad I’m vonstantly inches from ER

Monday finaly comes, I wrap up again like a person who wants to, you know not get covid! Cardiologist says clear ekg, whatever take a betablocker to help your anxiety. Me: this isnt anxiety! Doc 🙄 SUUUURE , look at how your wrapped up! Its just anxiety! HEART DOC IS NOT WEARING A MASK. People in waiting not required to mask.

At this poknt in tx All ICU’s and ER’s and childrens hospitals for 90 miles in any direction are overwhelmed. Clearly I’m in a twighlight zone episode.

I go home feeling hopeless. Still feel like I’m dying. I want to consult another doc befor taking this medicine they wont explain or talk to me about. Another horrible night. I talk to another doc- via telemed. Thank god no suiting up.

She says meds sounds appropriate even if no mask jerk doc wouldnt explain it to me.

I take it.

It gives some almost immediate releif to chest pain racing heart while I’m resting But its short lived. My condition is deteriorating. No appetite, nausea, diarrhea, still no positive covid.

I want answers. What the hell is happening to my heart?

I’m calling the cardiologist every day. They throw me a 24hour holter moniter to get me off their backs. But they Dont explain how I’m supposed to use it. I do it wrong! Oops our bad. 24 hours wasted. Lets do an echocardiagram that we should have done first -but we only do them on friday.😭

But lets up the frequency of the drugs. Me: ok I’m pretty sure its the only thing keeping me alive!

1 every 8 hours.

I can still barely function. I’m still afraid I’m going to die. I call my sister, I call my childhood best friend. We cry! Childhood friend says I love you I’ll leave tomorow be there in a day but I’m not vaccinated. 😭 sister says i’m vaccinated and I love you but I cant! Because its to dangerous there for my babies!

I understand.

Husband says I have to go back to work. I dont have a choice! We cant lose our car.

I need somone to sign fmla. I have no pcp.

We can get 2nd vaccines next week. 2 1/2 weeks to late.

They want me to stop taking the meds that are keeping me out of the ER to do a test to look at my heart valves.

Im so affraid.

IF YOU ARE NOT VACCINATED PLEASE GO GET VACCINATED NOW!!!

You are not safe no mater how isolated you are! Protect yourself and the community!

BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!

I love my family and my life. I’m scared.

All day I hear the ambulances up and down the street.

This morning they took a family member.

Humans out there

I’m so scared for our lives. Get vaccinated! And vaccinated or not, be a good human being and please Wear masks! Wash your hands! Use Sterile method! Its not to much! Do everything you can to fight this

Do everything you can to preserve life

DO IT BEFORE ITS TO LATE 🙏🏻💉🕊✌🏻



[zatyrlucy]

Shakira is awesome! Sure it can be selfish to not want to do anything with your country, but ever thought it's also for mental and emotional health? Shoot, it's like calling people selfish for wanting to leave in the first place in pursue of their dreams and wanting a better life.

Its very normal in latinoamerica to leave and never return when you have the chance. Heck, almost every famous colombian do that, but Shakira is one of those special cases that make people mad. There have been "scandals" around her that have divided the opinion of colombians. Some think she hates the country, others, like you, think that she just wants to be happy in Spain, her husband is there after all.

The most memorable scandal was when she sang wrong some of the lyrics of the national anthem. Maybe people took that personally since that happened in a very serious scenario (The Summit of the Americas). I remember a lot of people hating her on social media, saying stuff like "why not ask her about the national anthem of Spain hmm?? maybe she remembers that one" and stuff like that. We will never know the reason why that mistake happened to her.

People also complain about her not being present when some events happen in the country, like protests, sports events, or music festivals. About the protests, I remember people complaining that the guy from Calle 13, Rene Peréz, is most present than any other famous singer when that kind of situation occurs. In 2016 it seems that people got mad at her and other famous people for "not supporting enough" the peace process with Las FARC and thats when Zootopia came out, so part of social media was like "funny, she talks more there about injustice there than in real life" while the other part was just, celebrating she was in the movie. Its always a duality, some hate her, others dont. And yes, I know she has made donations and creates charities but unfortunately, people tend to forget that since...most famous people do that stuff regularly, so it has been taken for granted.

Sadly she became an outcast, I honestly dont agree with people hating her just because she is in spain or because she speaks like a spanish person and forgot the colombian accent (there were fans who literally turned against her just because of that), but at the same time, I hardly remember that she exists. People who are not their fans only remember her when she does something incredibly big, or when there is a new scandal about her. I guess thats the paradox all latinoamerican countries have to deal with, when someone is famous and leaves to "never return", can be either forgotten or hated, but at the same time, if said person never leaves, they cant advance in their career, can they?

Also, this is the only answer Im gonna give about the topic, as I said, Im not that much into Shakira to the point of getting into a whole cultural/political thing, there is enough of that on facebook. If you like her and Im wrong for letting myself go in the heat of the moment (i guess im excited about the movie) then no problem, my apologies, I will talk better about her next time and that will not happen again (maybe i'll investigate what she has been doing later because after the super bowl thing I have no idea). This is not a show business blog after all, so I dont wanna get inside that crazy world.

If Shakira appears in the new movie, good, if not, well, whatever I guess. Wouldnt be surprised if the director went for a more traditional way with Carlos Vives or other vallenato singers from the 80s and 90s (there was an accordion in the trailer so I dont doubt there will be some vallenato in the movie).

[depressed-x-bitch]

!!!trigger warning!!! this is a rant that mentions suixide, if you’re triggered by that please do not read!!! i love you and you matter!

i feel really weird. tomorrow it’ll be 2 years since i tried to kill myself and im not quite sure what to make of it or what to think of it. its weird to think its already been so long, and that i had so much hope for 2020. i had so much fucking hope that was just destroyed in front of me with each passing day that its almost surprising im still here. i dont know what happened. i never felt like i knew myself before, but at least i had an idea. now i look in the mirror and don’t even know the person im staring back at. i feel like im in such a weird phase of my life and i just want it to end. I want to move out of my parents house, i cant stand living with them. it feels like they’re holding me back from becoming the person i want to be. and honestly,, im mad. im mad at my parents. im mad at my parents for not doing their job. they had one fucking job when they brought me into this world, and it was to give me their time and effort to raise me to be a healthy woman, and im just not sure if they did that. i wont sit here and try to paint my parents as complete failures, because i know they love me, i know they care, i know they try, but its just not enough. they weren’t absent parents, they were there, i always had food, a warm home, and clothes on my back, thats not the department they lack in. they lack having and emotional connection with their child. my dad is pretty much oblivious to whats going on with me, he knows i have depression and everything, and always asks how i am or if im fine, but i can never actually tell him how i feel because he’s already ruined that opportunity when i was a kid by getting mad at me and yelling at me every time i didn’t answer him because i was too scared to answer. he got mad over small things because he has anger issues and it always really scared me, he even got mad at me once because he asked how i was and i told him i was fine but he didn’t believe me, and i was still very young at the time. he once got so mad he was screaming at me for like 5 minutes while i hid behind the couch by my door crying, waiting for him to finish yelling at me so i could go to my room and hide away from him while i sobbed. i remember after that, i sat behind my door sobbing, and that was the first time i ever thought about hurting myself. i was 8.. then my mom is, to put it simply, a bitch. she treats me like her little baby, but treats my cousin (who she WILLINGLY took in) like her personal fucking punching bag. then my other cousin she took in (he is very young) gets to call HER mom, but she is virtually NEVER here to take care of him. she doesn’t play with him, she barely does anything with him. but thats not a surprise to me because she didn’t play with me much when i was younger either, yet she was still my favorite because my dad scared me. (my dad is my favorite now because i can actually stand being around him sometimes, unlike my mom) she always has something snarky to say, shes judgy, and god forbid you need or want something in a timely manner. she always tries to hug me randomly and talk to me when im literally just walking around the house or trying to do something. its really annoying to be randomly forced into a hug when im not in the mood and im trying to do something. she forced me to go to psychiatrist appointments where she and the doctor had to try and pull any information out of me, i was made to take anti-depressants because they knew something was wrong, but not what.  i eventually switched doctors and made her stop coming in the room because i couldn’t talk with her around. but there was a time before the appointments where i was constantly trying to stay home because i was depressed and i always had to talk to her about staying home, and she would ask me what was wrong, and i tried to explain it but shes just not a good listener. it felt like all she was trying to do was solve the problem, she kept telling me things i needed to do that would “help me feel better” (exercise, taking vitamins, getting birth control etc, ik these help but you have to realize i was at a point in my depression where it was hard to just get out of bed, its a problem beyond that) and kept dismissing my feelings. it never felt like she listened because she really cared, it felt like she was just trying to get a quick solution, like she was just solving a problem. and then around march 2020 she stopped making my appointments randomly (without telling me!!!!) so eventually around july the question came up about what happened to my appointments and she said “well you seemed fine” so then around september or october i asked her to make me an appointment, she didn’t get to it until like november. got put back on my anti-depressant, so i asked her to go get the prescription for me. she couldn’t get it. and why couldn’t she do that, and why did it take so long for her to make an appointment ?  oh,, she was TOO BUSY. the pharmacy is on your way to work, you don’t work weekends, and the phone call to make an appointment doesn’t even last 5 minutes. but no, you were too busy to care about your daughters declining mental health. if she really hated how i hurt myself so much, you would fucking think she would take me seriously when i ASKED her for appointments. i asked you for help, my fucking MOM, the one person who is supposed to be there to help me no matter what, to help me, and she just couldn’t do it. she wonders why i treat her the way i do, and i have a fucking LIST of reasons. because she disappointed me, because i had hope she’d be there and she just wasn’t. shes too caught up in her own feelings and emotions that she don’t consider how others feel. i understand shes the adult, but she acts like the child. it always about what she wants, not what other people need. everyone thinks they’re good parents from the outside, but once you take a closer look and start to dive in, you’ll see that the best thing you can label them as is “mediocre parents” in conclusion, i can’t wait for the fucking day i move out of this hell-hole i call home.

[hol-eage]

hi, I'm in my 20s and female and have had a lot of mental disorder diagnoses throughout my life and almost every psychologist I've seen has said I should get tested for autism, however I haven't. and now I'm older I find myself relating very heavily with autistic traits in women and I'm like wow I'm definitely probs autistic, what do you think the perks of actually being diagnosed are and would u reccomend it

Hi sweetheart! I’m 25 just for ref, I would fully recommend it if possible, some reasons are:

You have something solid to show your friends/family/employer that will make them listen and (fucking hopefully) respect your problems and needs

For me it gives me a deep deep sense of relief

There are somethings that just didnt make sense when i thought i was just mentally ill,

I couldnt understand why everyone around me seemed to be able to make their way through the world

It lead me to being extremely suicidal, just the idea of staying alive as i was, was heartbreaking. I was furious with myself that i couldnt work shifts without turning mute (burnout, shutdowns and nonverbal periods), couldnt cook myself basic meals (executive dysfunction), couldnt make friends and was constantly isolated in social settings, couldnt have a romantic partner (touch aversion),

I thought i was wrong somehow, bad, a bad person

And then......

finding out that im just autistic,

just an autistic girl who had no support structure (or the wrong one), it was the most beautiful thing,

Suddenly i made sense to myself, i could value myself and my experiences

If mental health professionals are treating your shut downs/melt downs as anxiety (tho lots of autistic people have anxiety too!) then they will be giving you the Wrong guidance, unlike anxiety you Cant Push Through Shut Downs, the more you push yourself the more you hurt yourself

Mental health professionals insisted that i MUSt be thinking something when i burst into tears and melted down, before they knew that it was sensory based,

I remember this one summer day,

My headphones had broken and the sun was bright bright, i went to walk up a busy street that i walked up everyday to get coffee, half way up the hill i started sobbing

It hit me then that it was the sunlight and traffic sounds, something so ordinary had me wanting to crawl into the smallest dark space i could find,

It makes a world of difference to KNOW whats wrong,

Now i never leave the house with out headphones,

I always have a hat if its sunny

And now i never cry like that

Sure i still have sensory meltdowns but theyre in more complex situations than simply existing

I dont know where you live but im receiving so much support, even in the uk it changes region to region but i have a team who look after me, my nurse coordinator, occupational therapist, consultant and therapist

Theyre giving me cbt with the expectation that i wont reach neurotypical goals, never telling me im not doing well enough

Sensory groups to teach me how to sensory regulate etc

Among other plans for the future

(And for me personally i need medication to stay safe, they found the right ones for me that turned my world upside down)

Most of all it gave me the vocabulary to understand myself

I encourage you with my whole heart to learn about yourself, learn how to sensory regulate, learn what support you need, learn what to avoid and how far to push yourself, learn how to make a stable environments with routines,

You need it to keep you safe

Though, if you dont have the power to get a diagnosis because of your situation, then i fully support self diagnosis, if you haven’t already then use the information in the online autistic community to teach you how to look after yourself, communicate your needs and keep yourself safe

If you have any any any more questions im here, caring and rooting for you

[sc756]

Huge rant thats gonna be an unorganized, messy mess

okay so this has been going on for almost 2 months now but i think i completely fucked my spine??? some days ill be completely fine like no pain or anything and some days it literally cripples me and i want to scream from pain i literally dont know what i did, i’m concerned but ive taken no time to see a doctor or anything same for my mental health, some days im completely fine and some days my mind is just completely blank and bleh. i hate those days because i know i really anger the people around me and when they point out the fact that im depressed in a manner saying they dont appreciate me being sad, that makes it worse. a lot worse. same for people casually pointing things out about me that make me feel invalid. People think it’s okay to point out my acne or certain problems with my body, face, hair, skin, literally anything. Like, really? Don’t you have anything better to do? also dysphoria is annoying and really stupid, because some days i feel really feminine and yeet and some days my body is like “you are man and that cannot be changed” and im like “but-” “NO YOU ARE MAN” and completely invalidates me speaking of invalidating me have i mentioned my family????? probably some of the lowest scum ive ever met. my parents think its completely okay to shrug off the mental health issues ive talked to them about and they only find it an excuse for why im not doing well in school. Gee, i wonder why academic failure is more common amongst people with mental illnesses. because its a symptom, fucknugget. they also think its completely okay to take away from me what keeps me sane, happy, and alive. so when they find out im failing, my christmas break is really gonna suck nuts. especially with the stress that already comes near holiday times.  honestly, i wish i had a way out of this house. its a toxic, judgemental, invalidating hellhole that i only go there for for food, water, and my healthy coping mechanisms. but no, its okay to take away your child’s safe coping mechanisms but leave them completely alone with their thoughts and full, unmoderated access to unhealthy and deadly mechanisms. fuckin morons. sometimes  i wonder if i still make a difference. because im writing this right now and im sure the people/person i want to see this just... wont. like, am i that important? im just one person and i barely do anything. i dont have many redeeming qualities if... anything that special about me. im funny, i guess? i dont know. i really just want things to be okay for me and the people i love. because frankly, for me, things are gonna suck real soon if my family keeps doing what they’re doing. also, im fucking worried all the time about the people i love. especially my boyfriend. i know its natural, to some extent, but i worry about him everyday. i know it kinda upsets him, and, yeah, it upsets me that i cant stop worrying, but it shows i care, right? except when it gets annoying. i know i get annoying. everyone denies it but i know i get needy and clingy and just overall stupid. people have told me to my face and i know they’re right. my boyfriend’s even told me. its not a bad thing, its them being honest and i need to stop being those ways. especially needy. sometimes ill hug him and i just dont feel wanted. like what im doing isnt worth the time because it wasnt recieved well. do you ever feel unwanted by the people you love? the people that keep you around, the reason you wake up? because i do. all the time. i feel like a nuisance more than i’d like to admit. like things were better before i came along. but then i realize i have done a lot for the people i love. but then i realize that’s in the past. do i still do things for them? am i doing anything anymore? am i worth anyones time anymore? it it worth it? Am I worth it? i dont know. i just want things to be alright, yknow? just... i want things to be okay. ill fight tooth and claw for things to be right. i just want things to be okay. thats all. thats really all. drink water. - J

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

[nicoleatrandom-blog]

7 Quick Self-Care Tips You Can Fit Into Even the Busiest Schedule

i’ve really got to work on shortening these titles. 

Welcome to Thursday, friends! We’ve almost made it through the week, so you may find yourself in need of some quick relief to the stress of your everyday routine -- or perhaps even those things which have not gone your way recently. 

Self-care is an important thing that many of us forgo in the interest of working, homework, taking care of children and family, or any of the other many obligations we face on a day-to-day basis. Self-care becomes even more important when we are stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, or angry — and I’m sure there are a million other instances in which we need to prioritize self-care. 

Maybe a lot of the reason we let self-care opportunities pass us by is because we think it will be too time consuming; the thing is, self-care doesn’t have to be taking time out to get a mani-pedi or a massage or a facial. It doesn’t have to be finding a sitter to get some alone time. It doesn’t have to be taking a mental health day from work and using those precious paid-time-off hours. 

I’ve compiled a list of seven things you can do to take care of yourself without taking too much extra time in the day or forcing your schedule to come to a complete halt. Do yourself a favor — read the list, then pick one or two to focus on for the next week or month. Obviously this list isn’t going anywhere, so feel free to come back to it anytime, and don’t forget to share your favorite on-the-go self-care tips in the comments! 

Have a hot beverage. This seems so simple it’s silly, but I’m serious. Make yourself a cup of coffee or a cup of tea. My go-to lately has been hot chocolate. Don’t forget that hot lemon water in the mornings! Put it in a to-go cup and continue on about your day while you drink it, or do what my friend Ashley does and pour into your favorite mug, have a seat, and put that to-do list on the backburner for a few minutes. I’ll tell you a secret: the list will still be there when you’re done. Crazy, right! The warm, coziness of having your favorite warm beverage will help to calm your nerves and soothe the tension of the day — and you know, no one said you can’t add a little grown-up juice, right? A little Bailey’s in your coffee, a hot toddy. Although, if you’re driving, at work, or taking care of kids, you might want to save the grown-up juice for later. 

Give your face a little extra care. I know, we’re talking about things that don’t take that much time, but hear me out. You’ve got to wash your face at night or in the morning anyway, right? Instead of your usual routine, throw a mask in there. The beauty industry has a whole range of face masks for purchase, and there are some that are not all that expensive. I’ve done masks that have to stay on anywhere from five to twenty minutes, so it depends on how much extra time you want to use. A five minute mask could be a good slow down for a hectic morning, but a twenty-minute mask can set while you get the kids ready, choose your outfit, or get your lunch together. Or, if you work the mask into your nighttime routine, it’s a great day to just close your eyes, put on your favorite music, and unwind from the day. Personally, I really enjoy Feeling Beautiful masks, which come in a one/two time use packages, or in a tube just under five dollars which lasts forever. Or, if an overnight mask is your thing, try Bliss’s What A Melon Overnight Mask. No affiliations here, just making some suggestions for masks that make me feel calm and pretty. 

Get up, make up, show up. Personally, nothing makes me feel more at ease than knowing I’ve beat my own mental blocks. Getting out of bed when I’d rather sleep a little longer, putting on a cute outfit when I would rather just throw on jeans and a t-shirt, putting on a full face of makeup (for me, this is less than others) and going to work when I just want to stay home bare-faced — if I can conquer that, I know I can conquer the rest of my day. 

It’s just one thing. When you’ve got a long list of things to do but you’re overwhelmed, the first thing you need to do is prioritize those things. What absolutely needs to be done today, and what can be moved to tomorrow or later in the week, or even next week? Once you’ve moved out things that are not required to be completed today, look at what you have left, how they’re prioritized, and just do one thing at a time. Don’t think about the x-number of things that are on the list, think about the thing that’s highest priority. Do that, cross it off the list, then do the next thing. Rinse, repeat. We get so caught up in getting things done that we tend to overwhelm ourselves at time. The thing is, life is hard enough, and, some days, we just don’t need to make it any harder. Simplify your to-do list, and take it from there. 

Eat what makes you happy. This one, you have to be careful. If you’re overwhelmed every day for a month, having tacos every day for a month might not be the best idea. But every now and then, forget the diet/healthy eating lifestyle, and get you some tacos — or whatever it is that makes you happy. Take that little bit of pressure off yourself and eat what you want. You’ll be surprised at how much just that one less thing makes a difference! Bonus #5 Info: There are foods that might actually improve your mood and mindset, and keep you healthy! Bananas, berries, quinoa, dark chocolate, green tea, apples … there’s more on the list, but these are just a few that will help to improve your mood and are relatively healthy. Google “food that makes you happy” and you’ll find even more options! 

Ask for help. Perhaps one of the most difficult things to do! We’ve been trained to have it together, to get things done, and to not burden others with our problems. I’m here to tell you, asking for help does wonders for my anxiety/stress. It’s okay to share your load with others, as long as you’re not taking advantage of them. That’s why we have family, why we have friends — and it lets them know that when they’re the ones who are stressed/overwhelmed/whatever the case may be, they can come to us for a return on the favor. 

Rock out like there’s no tomorrow. There’s no denying the calming effect of music. Play it while you complete your cleaning for the day or on the way home from dropping your kids at school or while you finish your errands for the day. Sing-along, shamelessly, and without caring what anyone else thinks. You’re taking care of you, and that’s all that’s important in that moment. 

Like I said, just a few things I’ve found that help me through days when the hours or even minutes seem insurmountable. What are your go-to quick self-care tips? Drop them in the comments below! 

I’ll see you (hopefully) Tuesday with a new post, and until then, keep moving forward. 

[swayinghummingbirds]

i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed. 

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.  

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse. 

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes? 

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl. 

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too. 

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me. 

so anyways. 

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here. 

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it. 

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow. 

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes. 

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams. 

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here. 

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing. 

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too. 

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere. 

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard. 

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything. 

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it. 

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk. 

[overbakedone]

1

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i  met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol 

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know. 

thanks for listening   i guess 

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

[kiradotexe]

today was uhhhhh interesting. i wanted to like write about it because it was kind of weird but it will probably be long because a lot happened. 

first off when rika when i were shopping we stopped by mcdonalds for lunch and there was this elderly woman who started flat out screaming when the staff accidentally through away her coffee. she wasnt making any sense and was yelling and cursing and even when given a second coffee she was yelling about it because it was fizzy (????) and she hated it and the first one was better. she was screaming about brexit and to pretty much no one in particular until like the staff tried to help. she got super pissed off about the coffee and eventually threw it against the wall saying something like “your coffee is shit, so you can clean it up” which is super rude. and proceeded to shout at one of the poor employees (she called her a lesbian for some reason and she obviously meant it to be mean, but still a strange choice for insult). and when we were leaving she was still going at it and i had to ask if the girl was all right so as we were passing i made sure. she looked like she was holding it together just fine but that was just strange. 

its sad that the care for the elderly isnt more prioritized in this country cause there are a lot of ppl like this woman who should be getting help but cant afford it and so theyre just left to fend for themselves in society. its sad to see them all alone and also very uncomfortable to be on the other side of their rage.

the second thing that happened really should be minor, but being me i take everything to heart and it always hurts me. we were walking up the street and i hear a group of teenagers behind us and it feels like they are wanting to pass but its kind of narrow. they go around us and this blonde girl turns around and literally sneers at us and says “you know you dont have to walk that slow”. she was just saying it to try and be cool in front of her friends.

problem is, my slow walking pace is one of my biggest insecurities. because of my health problems and decreased muscle strength i cant walk much faster than i manage to do. i get easily fatigued just from walking (and this was a hill as well). and all my friends my age tend to walk faster than me (if theyre in a large group they sometimes leave me behind by accident). i sometimes walk with a limp when my knees are hurting but i’m always slower than average. my friends when they are with me dont seem to mind adjusting to my pace but it sucks to have it pointed out like that. ive never really had people just be blatantly mean to my face like that and it was definitely jarring. the kinda shit my anxiety will play back for me for probably the next decade. i know it shouldnt mean anything and they were just being mean because they want to look cool or they think its funny. but it does hurt.

and the third thing was the worst, but im glad i wasnt alone. after seeing deadpool (it was very good and enjoyable :D) and saying goodbye to rika, my brother walked me to the bus stop so we could wait for it to come. he will usually wait with me if its after dark because hes good like that. its around 10:30 at this point on a saturday and around here it starts to get quite loud and rowdy with drunk ppl starting to go to clubs and be obnoxious. these four guys get out of a taxi, very obviously drunk, just yelling and singing really loud. and they light up cigarettes and are waiting for one of them to roll his (i honestly dont understand why ppl roll their own, but i know nothing about smoking its gross). theyre loud and trying to get a rise out of us and i stupidly make eye contact with one of them and he like, looks at me and then says something along the lines of “youre actually quite sexy” and i freeze up. i know i look visually uncomfortable because he says “you look upset but i know you want it” (horrifying words) and i dont remember what he said after that but he asks if my brother is my boyfriend. i do some quick mental math, and deduced that these are the type of guys that respect “another man’s woman” more than the woman herself and were less likely to be harmful if i said he was. so i did which is weird in itself because hes my brother, but it was obviously the right call. cause then they direct their attention to my brother who is silent and not giving them anything. they try to like bait him and say a ton of nasty sexual stuff about me, but he still doesnt say anything just kind of stares them down. they try to resort to insulting him and calling him the f slur and making fun of him. but he still just cooly stares them down and the guy that was rolling his cigarette finally finished that and they fuck off to who knows where i feel bad for that establishment. i was kind of shaken, almost to the point of tears, but not quite because he was there. we talk about it, about the psychology behind it and that kind of stuff and he says how it makes his blood boil to hear that kind of stuff but he knows that answering them is just giving them what they want and that they will leave if you dont answer them because they will get bored. anyway im very grateful that he was there because i dont want to think about what that would have been like if i were alone. him being able to keep his head and stay calm was really good and i was so relieved when they left us alone. its just kind of a shocking experience because thats the first time ive had such nasty sexual talk directed at me. like sure ive experienced some other stuff like that but nothing quite so graphic and it was vulgar and would have been extremely upsetting if i hadnt had my brother. hes really one of my best friends and im so glad hes here.

[shvdxs]

CUCUMBER LEMONADE

First things first, did you have a good year?

its april but this years pretty much over so no but yes

How old did you turn this year?

22

Do you feel your age?

nah i still feel 17 sometimes

Did your appearance change in anyway?

i fluctuate a lot in weight and muscle bc i dont know what i look like so year

Post your favorite selfie.

im lazy

If you traveled, where did you go?

in 2020 ive only been in wisco, illinois, indiana, and michigan

Which fashion trends did you love?

grunge, almost naked, crop tops, etc.

Which fashion trends did you hate?

fucking overalls are yall dumb???? BLUE JEANS? cmon

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible?

i wont but i be flexin on those tops that cross across your chest and stomach yall know the ones

What song sums up this year for you?

normal girl by sza even though i destroyed that album back in 2017

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?

easily adore you by harry but that was 2019

What was your favorite movie of the year?

i saw ladybird on my birthday in march for the first time and i’d like to express if any of yall have mom issue this is the one. 10000/10

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year?

yeah matt champion a snack

Favorite new TV show?

i still hate tv shows but my parents and i be vibin to SVU

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears?

i dont even care about that shit anymore ngl

What food did you try for the first time?

food in general

Did you make any big permanent changes this year?

a lot

What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

too many

What was one nice thing you did for yourself?

turned all my notifications off! don’t care to look at my phone; made a lot of new friends instead of being introverted, but rona messed all that up

Did you develop a new obsession?

not develop but i brought back my love for running, animal crossing, etc.

Did you vote? 

ye

Did you move?

not from my apartment yet

Did you get a job?

cant yet!

Did you get a pet?

nooo

Do you regret not doing anything?

a lot

Do you regret doing something?

A LOT

Have you done anything that scared you?

a lot actually, i think i let go of a lot of fears this year although i developed a lot of new ones at the same time

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

its still fermenting inside me and its been months

Did you lose anyone close to you?

ye

Did you fall in love?

no

Did you fall out of love?

def

Did you start a new relationship?

not in 2020

Did you go through a break up?

2019

Did you have to cut ties to someone?

i should

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year?

people i should’ve made important the whole time but was fucking stupid 

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it?

please i am so tired of crying every single night for no god damn fucking reason

What was the best moment of the year for you?

lmao

What was the worst?

lmao

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t?

no

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did?

yes

What are you most proud of accomplishing?

internship, straight A’s, all my work raises, graduating, i just really hope corona doesn’t fuck up my job

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?

that i am better off alone, i give too much, people really do lie, social media is trash, phones aren’t important, music is everything, mental health does physically affect you more than you think, being active & healthy eating and sleep doesnt solve your problems, the ones that don’t try to change you are actually your best friends, there’s no reason to rush things, love your closest friends and family

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better?

yes

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse?

id say yes but no

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?

i didn’t make any

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

keep your opinions and personality

If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?  Who would you go this?

i wish danielle and i could go to canada still

What do you wish for others for the coming year?

2020 is still happening so i hope corona doesn’t ruin the rest of it

What do you wish for yourself?

health, happiness, full recovery, and success

[anxiously-articulated-art]

My Letter To You That You’ll Never Get:

I’m gonna fucking miss you. Not only because I love you with everything in me but because you were also my best fucking friend. The one person I wanted to call at the end of the day. The one I wanted to share everything with. This is what I feared most. Losing you all together. We travelled the world together. We raised a beautiful fur baby together. We were figuring life out and doing really good. Or so I thought. And one day it all just stopped. The love. The laughs. The romancing. Instead it was replaced with anger, resentment and ridicule. One day I no longer saw love in your eyes. I saw resentment. Annoyance. And my heart shattered. I know you said you never cared about me. But I don’t believe that. The moments we shared. The passion. The tears. The hugs. And it fucking feels like fire that you deny all of it. That you killed off your feelings for me. 

I know I go against everything that you’ve always known. Financial security, vanity... I’m a goofy looking dude. And I don’t have the security you want. But you knew this from the beginning when you were my best friend. You knew I was transitioning to be a man and the hardships I suffered prior. The history with my exs and family. My deep rooted trauma. How do you get into a relationship with me knowing all of that? And at the end of the day its the very same reason you left me. You talked about marrying me. You were sending ring ideas to my sister, connecting with my grandma and my nieces and nephews. Telling my grandma that you want me to put a ring on it. AND your family. Taking me costa rica with your family for the holidays, look into moving out of state with me, talking about getting your eggs frozen for surrogacy and DECIDING ON A LITTLE GIRLS NAME WITH ME (ROWAN- Ill never fucking forget), just to fucking leave me when I catch you stepping out line on our relationship. 

Like do you resent me because I was more of a hoe than you during my time being single? are you mad at me that I didn’t stop us from dating or moving in together? Because you wanted time to hoe around? Or are you really that shallow and transphobic that you cant date a transgender that you practically planned an entire life with and raised a fur baby with and DECIDED ON A FUTURE CHILDS NAME WITH. O FUCKING K. Doesn’t make fucking sense to me.

But I also realize that with the stress of trying to fit in the life you wanted me living, I was self destructing and it was contributing to the end of our relationship. I was so unhappy being that sales man you wanted me to be so I could provide financial security. I was upset that I no longer had lacrosse. I wanted to find a different path in life. And every time I tried to travel that road we would just butt heads all the time. I became angry that all you cared about was our image, I  had no idea what I was walking into in terms of financial upkeep regarding our relationship. And little did you know I sold most of my prized possessions and committed horrible crimes to attempt to finance our lifestyle. I was drowning. And I became angry and stopped loving you in your love language. I stopped listening to your soul because mine was ravaged and chaotic. I stopped loving you tenderly. I stopped making you feel like my world. And I was wrong in that. And you know I will always own up to my shit. In fact I expect you to call me out on it, it was foundation to our friendship. It’s why I fell in love with you. Calling me out for treating a homeless man poorly. And the time I talked to rudely to the natural grocers employee. It’s the reason I loved you. You always pushed me to be a better man. Then one day it stopped. And you starting just making different choices. You were fighting people when the girl I met would have handled it like an adult with a conversation. I don’t know what happened. 

I know you suffer from crippling mental health issues. But those were never the problem in our relationship. I would have never loved you any less. And I would have done what ever was necessary to make sure you were okay. You made me promise after therapy together that if you got worse that I would take care of you. AND IM SO MAD I CANT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU DECIDED THAT I WAS DISPOSABLE.

I’m angry because you disregarded everything about our relationship. and that shit felt REAL to me. Even to this day I still love you with the same passion and intensity as the day I first met you. I’m angry that I was so easy for you to drop. That my family was so easy for you to disregard. That our little family was so easy for you to throw away. I’m angry because all I wanted was a conversation. Honesty. Transparency. Everything we always promised to each other since DAY 1 of our friendship. I’m angry because I gave you so many outs. I offered you so many other options and solutions. But you chose to stay committed to me and make me believe we were really doing this life thing together. Only for it to literally fall apart within hours. 

Like I watched you almost die. You almost died on me trying to lose weight because of the pressure you feel from your family and the society you grew up in. My heart was broken. You will never know how many times I cried in the shower after that day. You will never know how many times on my drives to work early in the morning I prayed to god he would help me keep you safe. And I still pray to him that he keeps you and lincoln safe. I pray every single damn day.

And I think of you both. Every day. Every morning. Every night. Almost every fucking moment of the fucking day. And its nauseating. Doctors basically gave me horse tranqs so I could function without losing my shit. And I’m doing all of this to prevent myself from relapsing. I told you if we ended that I’d probably never move on and dive back into drugs and die in a ditch somewhere ODed or something. Well I’m doing the exact opposite. I’m getting in shape. Getting rid of my debt. Finding a good paying gig that I am actually happy with. Getting involved in the community and staying sober. I’m taking care of myself because you once told me “ I can’t bury another love ya know?”, you wanted me to take care of my body to prolong my inevitable demise. And you even promised me you’d be there in the end pushing my wheelchair. 

And because you told me that you were mad at me once for not giving you your “chance” with k****. And you asked me “well what if I was happy with her”... because your lesbian label means everything to you. And I knew this time I just had to let go. And cut my losses. Lincoln. My collection of books. My art. My family. You. Like there was no reasoning with you. You just hated me and wanted to spit hate at me any chance you could and I truly didn’t understand why you hated me so much. I was the one who got cheated on. More than once. And forgave you. Were you mad just because you got caught? How long would have kept that up if I hadn’t know? How long were you going to toy with me? Did you actually mean your final words you said to me? Is this how you wanted it to end? 

And like, I’m not even mad at you. I just want to understand. Because I meant what I said, I love you so much I’ll do anything to make you happy. And I truly want you to be the happiest ever in life. And I understand why you do the certain things that you do. I saw first hand the trauma you experienced your whole life. And I am so sorry. I didn’t know how to help. I didn’t know how to handle things. Maybe I was too emotionally inept to truly understand your world and I can’t apologize enough for that. I’m sorry my transition affected us as much as it did. Not a single day goes by that I wish it hadn’t. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you the best towards the end. I recognize that. And I wish I could have corrected my behavior sooner. I wish I handled things differently. I wish at the end I would have reminded you more about how much I love you and I want the best for you rather than radio silence. Because then maybe we could have closure.

But I’ll never know. Because I will never be the one to reach out to you. And I doubt you’ll ever try to contact me. 

Just know I will fucking miss you. And lincoln. Give her my love. And I wish you the best. 

I will always love you. I’m sorry.

Your root. 

Logan

[sin-scythes-and-assaults]

Family Sucks: The Rant (tm)

When I see posts and videos that are like ‘aw my mum/dad/carer are so cool I relate to them so much we’re best friends!!! !! !! ! ! !! !! !!!!’ I wanna just cry tbh because I know that I will never have anything like that??? I feel like I need to get the whole story out for whoever is reading this to understand so I guess ill start with my dad. My dad, for lack of a better term, is an arsehole. For all his claims that ‘you’re my child of course I love you!’, he really had a problem showing that. When I think of him, I don't think about the now-obvious attempts to win us over in some silent war between my mum and him - I think of how he’d ask me what I did at school (aged 6), and then completely ignore what I said, saying a quiet ‘uh huh, yeah, sounds great!’ as he sat on his phone in the car waiting for my older sister. I’d remember the disinterest he had towards us in terms of our hobbies and interests, and even discouraged me at times because the things I wanted to do ‘weren’t suitable for a girl’ (it was fishing. I wanted to learn how to fucking fish like both of my brothers, and he said no because I was a girl. I had to teach myself and save up for months to buy my own rod, bearing in mind I was about 8-10yo at the time). I’d remember the screaming matches at 3 in the morning with my mother, who I didn't realise was actually standing up for herself for once. My mum, when I was younger, wasn't much different. However, she had a reason, and I excuse her for it. She used to work full time as a nurse, with very limited pay, and had to look after my three siblings and I, not to mention provide for a father who did next to nothing about the house, but contributed greatly to the bills. She was tired - and I don't mean ‘yawn ooh I'm a little bit sleepy’. I mean. Tired. She tried not to fall asleep during mealtimes, knowing that in a few hours she’d have to go on another 11 hour shift. She’d take sleep where she could, but it wasn't enough because she had to look after four of us and a father who was barely there. We were a poor family, mainly because my dad refused to help with anything other than the mortgage and the electricity and gas bills. He didn't pay for food for a family of 6 every week, my mum did, and she barely made enough money as it was. Also, I don't know why, but I have always thought that, to some extent, these severe money problems were my fault. Don't ask why, I just thought they were. She tried to connect with all of us while she could, but I think that because I was the youngest, I was the last priority. I felt excluded from the whole family, being constantly picked on by my older brothers and my sister, too. My self worth also went down when I made friends with a certain girl in my year at school. She abused me. She hit me, slapped me across the face, bit me and dug her nails into my skin until I bled. This happened regularly. I still have a scar on my hand when she decided to make me play a ‘cute game’ where one person was basically to hurt themselves until the other person completed a task. (I wont go into details about this game bc its fucking horrible) She didn't even properly tell me what was happening, only to ‘trust her’, and I ended up getting hurt for it. She humiliated me in front of someone I had a crush on for almost a year multiple times, called me fat (which prompted me to have a very bad diet consisting of only one small meal a day and nothing else, thinking it would make me attractive), worthless, and blackmailed me into staying in contact with her, even until about 4 or 5am most nights. This took a toll on my mental health, and I started to self harm. Life sucked, I finally confronted her about it with my best friend, and she fucked off, claiming she was the victim. I managed to stop self harming. Things got better. But!!  !!! !!!! ! A few years later I fell out with my Best friend over something (I cant even remember what??? I'm p sure it was my fault though and I still feel fucking terrible) and we didn't talk to each other again (I recently got in contact with her though and she’s still as amazing as ever. I missed her so much) Fast forward to the second half of 2014, where my parents arguing had come to a head (bearing in mind, the reason for said fighting was kept from me until only a few months ago) and my dad had permanently moved out. They got a divorce and now live miles away from each other. My dad, being the glorious fuckwit he is, decided to give us a total of 3 months to sell our house, find a new one to buy that was more affordable and could house 5 people (which was simply impossible) and move in. This is because he decided to stop paying the mortgage , and we had three ‘paid’ months left until it essentially got repo’d, unless we find this magical fantasy house he left us to find. As you can imagine, it didn't go well. We did manage to sell our house, but we had to lower the price drastically so the snotty family that bought it would actually consider it (they were arseholes too). So we had limited money from the sale of our house to buy the one we had picked out, which was now too expensive for us. We didn't get the rest of the money in time. We ended up homeless for a year, but fortunately, my gran had a big house. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough room for us all, even if we shared. My eldest brother, Dominic, was essentially ‘booted out’ to go live with his girlfriend and her family because he was ‘expected to’. We hardly see him now. (I miss him) I had to share a room with multiple family members, so I had no privacy at all. The only time I was alone was when I was in the shower. Meanwhile, my gran was picking apart my school life, my hobbies and my interests, saying that what I wanted out of my future wasn't worthwhile. I had to deal with this for a year. A year. I relapsed into self harm, almost went through with killing myself on multiple occasions, and thought about genuinely just up and running just so I could leave all the shit behind. We found a house. It was a shithole and the seller was wanting way more than it was worth -It was all we could afford. We bought it. We had to spend thousands damp proofing the whole house because the guy lied and said he had done it. We had to spend thousands on new windows because they had severe problems and were letting in currents of water when it rained. There was rot beneath the floor and in the attic so we had to spend hundreds to get it redone. We became very very poor again. I could hear my mum crying herself to sleep at night again. If we had been any more in debt we would have had to sell this house just months after getting it. My room is so small I cant lie out on my floor without my feet hitting a wall, the walls are so thin that I can hear my sister breathing as she sleeps in the room across the hall. I began to collect plants. They depended on me, they needed me, and that's the kind of responsibility that I needed - something wanted me. I had something to look forward to at the end of the day. I had mini hydrangeas, a trellis with honeysuckle and jasmine by my window, lavender, lemonbalm, everything. I knew what their individual needs and wants were and in turn they helped me sleep at night. They started to die. My mum had decided to spray them with a pesticide that was too ‘strong’ for them, and in the wrong places. Their leaves started to rot and they all. Died. I still act to this day that it wasn't a big deal, that it was just a silly mistake, but I know that I wont ever find that same happiness again????? I think about those plants sometimes and somehow I always bring the blame around to me and I don't understand why I do that with everything?? Regardless, I was fucking sad and my mum started to bitch about it. Then, I find out a few months ago that the reason that my mum and dad got a divorce was because my dad had been cheating since at least the mid 90′s. since a few years before I was born. For 18 fucking years he had been cheating, all with different women apparently, and I had been fucking clueless. Again, because I'm a self-depreciating piece of shit, I brought the blame back to me and tell myself ‘if you noticed sooner you could've said to ma and she wouldn't have had to go through that shit’ but the thing is, I know I wouldn't have realised because I didn't know any different??? And when I tried to talk to my ma about it one thing she said was that ‘there were faults on both sides’ and now that's got me thinking ‘what if she cheated too?’ If it turns out she has, I seriously don't know what I'm going to do??? because shes made it out all these years that they've been divorced that my dad is the ‘bad guy’ and I don't know what I'm going to do if I find out the woman I've been heralding as ‘strong and brave’ for standing up to that kind of behaviour from my dad did the same thing And it scares me so much Who knows I might add to this later through an edit but now im in a rlly sad place n I wanna stop