#im still emotionally recovering from last episode

[definitelynotrhi]

major critical role spoilers for c3 e33

cw// blood & injury

"it's not goodbye, just a see you later. that's all"

[theywontletmebeprincipal]

on the last episode before the finale starts

im getting so close to the end im :(

still confused why they did a gawain and the green knight episode??? instead of avoiding being seduced it's party games i am in awe.

still emotionally recovering from islands though like oh man my heeeeaaaaarrrt

YEAH IT’S SUCH A WILD PULL. I think it’s absolutely hysterical that they started adapting medieval(?) tales just for fun. I love adventure time why is it fucking like that

also hey. if islands fucked you up you are not surviving together again 👍

[brokenstrings]

Yo could I request breakup headcannons with jinx, Vi, Caitlyn and Viktor where their s/o breaks up with them.

Don’t feel like u have to answer if your too busy :)

:rolling over to you in my blanket burrito: tysm for this i was bored hhhh

oh btw can you believe it guys christmas just in two days christmas is in two days woohoo i am so happy about this information /ref

on christmas eve and christmas i’ll try to write something winter themed if i remember to 😭

Jinx, Vi, Caitlyn and Viktor when their s/o suggests they should break up

Jinx

She gets super attached super easily so even if it was for about a week she’ll be super sad when you suggest this

Even if it’s ’lets just be friends’ which is my favorite vocaloid song /j she’ll be really shocked and by this

”Wh- You wanna… Break up with me?”

The voices get really loud, she can’t even attempt to block them out;

”It’s your fault. They hate you. They lied to you. You’re a failure.”

”No no no I’m not, I’m sure it’s not just me shut up shut up SHUT UP!!”

She tries her absolute best to get you to stay, shes crying and grabbing your hand, yelling and pleading

“Please bubs, you’re all I have left… PLEASE!!”

If her convincing works and you decide to stay in a relationship she sits you down with you and talks about if she did anything wrong and how she should change

If it doesn’t work, there’s only a 3/10 chance you’ll be able to salvage a friendship from it, to her; you left her, she trusted you, you broke it

Vi

She loved you a lot, she was the one that suggested a relationship, once you tell her it’ll hurt but she gets it

”Oh… Well yeah, we can split up, can we please stay in touch though?”

She doesn’t want to lose you 100% but she’s okay with just being friends, she has a replacement cupcake afterall :I am pointing at caitlyn: /j

If you do end up wanting to leave her 100% she’ll let you it’s just…

You took away around 4 years of her life and gave her about 5 1/2 grey hairs /hj

Shes emotionally fucked up by you leaving her 100% but if it’s just be friends its only 35%

Vi doesn’t quickly rebound afterward, it takes her about a month to actually get over you then ofc she has to find another cupcake :squeezing caitlyn and she squeaks like a dog toy: like that one /j

She wants to know what she should refrain from doing when you’re friends, wanting to keep you comfortable

”So is there some things I should stop while we’re friends?”

”Excuse me ’while?’”

“Yeah 👦👍”

She still calls you cupcake, she doesn’t care about that unless you say

“Vi istg if you don’t Q U I T T H A T.”

Caitlyn

:i am looking at episode 8: HAHAHAHAHA #SMILETHRUDAPAIN

If it’s a let’s just be friends situation that’s completely different but AHAHAHAH-

If you pull a “oil and water 💔⛓🥀 we r not meant to be cupcakke 😢😔” (im so sorry for this one sentence) she’s devastated

Dude she takes like a whole year to recover it hurt her so badly

Listens to sad Adele, Taylor Swift, and Mitski songs in the shower to cope with it

If it’s just be friends she ju- why is little miss perfect playing which one of you /hj

She thinks of all the memories she has of the relationship and tries to think of things she did wrong, she thinks it’s all her fault

She’s happy to be your friend and is happy you didn’t abandon her though;

”You’d like to just be friends? That’s… Yeah that’s okay, I’m sorry if I did anything to make you really uncomfortable, I swear I’ll be more careful in the future.”

She passively tries to get you two back into a relationship sometimes, like passive flirting

Like one day you’re talking abt your favorite Taylor Swift song or sm idfk and she says

”I‘d like to say that you remind me of last great American dynasty or the 1 maybe?”

”The 1?”

”…Yes.”

If that works she is so proud of herself for that

If it doesn’t end up working and she has to rebound it takes her so long

You’ve already had 2 different partners and then she finally comes up like

“Hey this is my new gf Vi” /hj

Viktor

Man I don’t wanna see him sad :sits link shinji from that one scene of evangelion: /jov

He’s hurt, even if it’s “Wanna just be friends?” He needs some time to process it

”Excuse me? Uhm… I- Heh…”

Once he’s collected he‘ll try to hold back any negative emotion, not wanting to make you feel bad for this

”I see why you want to and I’m fully fine if we separate.”

The second he leaves the room and is alone he’s sobbing to himself

”I can’t have one thing go right with other people can I?! Why me?!” He’s whispering stuff like that to himself, he’s a mess

After about a week or two of being split up he’s more comfortable around you, he just needed some time to recover from the breakup

During his time of being more comfortable, he’ll sit down with you and discuss why you think the relationship wasn’t going good

”So why did you break up with me? I’m sorry this is awkward but I’ve been wondering it, I didn’t see many problems while we were together.”

Once you explain he agrees it’s better if you stayed separated for the time being

He has no interest in rebounding unless the other person initiates it, meaning he might not get a partner at all afterwards

mmm we r loving the angst

THE STARY OF CAITS IS SO FUNNY IM SO SORRY,,,,, SAME WITH SOME PARTS OF VI’S IM TIRED IDK

[worldsfirstgayknife]

HI YES I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT KNICKLE

christmas present to myself; infodumping about knickle

OK SO first of all their surface level dynamic of 'two gamer bros, one is grumpy and one is goofy' is already excellent. i can make so many gamer jokes. i can make so many bro jokes. its amazing.

but their FULL dynamic makes me go bonkers and become gay. 'two bros. one is an emotionally repressed jerk with a secret soft side thats trying to better himself. the other is a goofy and ditzy gamer whos mellowed out due to a traumatic experience and is trying to recover. the jerk cares about the gamer to a degree he hasn't shown to any other character on the show, and the gamer, due to the advice given to him by the jerk, has been able to make an effort towards moving on from his old friend that sent him into a depressive spiral. they also play video games together' like THATS SO GOOD *passes out*

i started liking knickle before episode 13 + 14 came out when the only meaningful connection they'd really had was the scene from episode 7. it was mostly me being like "knife was nice to him and seemed to genuinely care about helping him even though he usually doesn't do that. kinda gay ngl." which was pretty awesome of me. but now that knife berated taco about abandoning pickle and asked mic to say hi to pickle on his behalf... that scene was definitely not a one off thing of him doing a random act of kindness. he cares about the pickle and still thinks about him.

AND IT MAKES SENSE THAT HE DOES!! knife is the most critical of the show and takes the most note of the way that it affects people. and pickle is arguably the character that has undeservedly been hurt the most by the show. knife is like you deserve better than the world has given you bro. i love you bro. but even besides knowing and caring about what pickles going thru, given that they hung out together inbetween seasons and that he wanted to say hi to him, knife seems to just. genuinely like pickle and enjoy his company. which is probably more reason why he would care about helping him out. cries.

so besides the fact that knife genuinely cares about and wants to help pickle, he's also benefited from being so willing to do so. the episode 7 scene was the first time in the show he had extended kindness to anyone, and in the two other notable times he's extended kindness and given advice to people... id argue its because they reminded him of pickle?

my friend rib did a sick knife analysis which kinda goes over this but like. knife notices suitcase distressed over the way shes been treated by her alliance. kinda like pickle. and its even more more obvious with mic, he's more adamant about mic getting out of the alliance because he knows what SPECIFICALLY taco did to her last alliance member, and doesn't want her to do that again. but he can never seem to be as genuine as when he gave more direct advice (albeit as a metaphor) to pickle. his advice to suitcase is very vague (wtf does make your presence known even MEAN bro) and their conversation is more him pointing out the behavior of the alliance that he thought was apparent. and with mic, he sees his efforts as favors, and a combination of spiting taco and keeping mic from going thru what pickle did. pickle is where knife's advice character arc started, and pickle is where it's presumably ended (is that what you said to pickle, say hi to pickle for me). pickle makes knife want to be a better person. cries again.

and though theres less to say and analyze since he hasnt. had any frickign lines for 6 years (im so excited for letters to get a comic dub you have no idea), pickle has benefited from knife being there for him and giving him helpful advice. he replaced the photo of him and taco and has been more willing to forgive and trust, like with balloon, and if not for knife, there's... no telling if anyone would've noticed what he was going through and tried to help him, or if he'd be willing to open up to OJ after the events of episode 7 kept him from doing so. which makes me so frickin sad man.

and this is jsut me projecting and being soft. but. the thought of, after all the shit he went through on and after the show, after being pushed aside by everyone, pickle getting to be with someone that changed for the better and cares about him from a place of genuine compassion? as opposed to taco, who changed for the worse and only pretended to care about him for her own gain? holy moly im gay. pickle deserves a happy ending after being treated so badly, and knife deserves one too. and i think it would be so sweet if a happy ending for them meant they'd have it together.

THIS IS MOSTLY JSUT MY DUMB THOUGHTS ON THE CONTENT IN THE SHOW rather than like. headcanons like a normal person. oh god. basically despite them being apart they care about each other, make each other better people, and their relationship makes for plenty of fun and comedy as well as a lot of tenderness and mutual love + support.

also ive honestly? kinda come to terms with it maybe being harder to get into knickle due to the lack of content in the show. and its definitely my favorite partially because i love overanalyzing stuff and take a lot away from things that are implied or subtext. which is also partially why i love pickle, hes has a lot of cool emotional stuff goin on that hasn't really been explored and i find a lot of joy in thinkin about him!! anyways if you read all of this i am so sorry

[handonhaven]

Okay if I see one more person that Landon gave up on Hope again in 3x13 and that Josie was right he doesn't believe in love. He just up and left. I will lose my freaking mind. Were they really not paying attention to anything to was going on in the show. He didn't give up on her. He's going through hell right now and he's scared. He clearly loves Hope more than anything. And he left to keep her safe and to find another way to kill Malivore so she won't have to die. Now before anyone says no he just left it had nothing to do with malivore, he went with that after Cleo said that's what she's doing. Let me point you back to the break up scene. He only start it to break up with her after Hope said even though she doesn't want to her being a full tribird is the only way to stop Malivore. And throughout that whole scene you can see it in Landons face that he doesn't want to be doing this, that he doesn't truly believe what he's saying to her. And whenever he wasn't talking to her he was looking away from her. I mean he even said he doesn't have a place at the school if it's not with her. Hope is his home, he finally found a home and he had to let her go for now so she can be safe. And so he can try to find a way to save her. He might not have said the words im going to find another way to kill Malivore but that's clearly what he was/is doing. I also think some part of Hope knew that and understood that. That's why she asked where are you going? And not something else. So even though it hurt the both of them they understood why on both parts. If that makes sense. I haven't really seen any other couple like that. So Landon didn't "give up" on Hope or just "gave up."

I like to think Landon is handling things pretty well despite everything. Well as well as anyone who's been through what he's been through can be.

What!! I’m so glad I’ve not been looking at what people are saying, I think I would lose it. That’s an absolute lie, and they obviously don’t understand the characters, least of all Landon, and are clearly not paying attention to the show. Landon did not give up on Hope. Exactly, he’s going through things they barely even scratched the surface of last episode. And YES, he went to go find a way to save Hope and to fight for her like he always has. And you’re absolutely right about the breakup scene. Yes to all that you said. He just happened to break up with her right after she said she would have to become a full tribrid and that she was scared? People really think he’d just be done with her after that without having a plan to save her from that? No way. And yes, it was sort of like he had to shut down emotionally in order to say those things and wasn’t looking at her a lot of the time. And exactly, he said he doesn’t belong at the school without her, and had also said, “I want with all my heart for it to be different” so that further proves he still loves her and wouldn’t just give up on her. Yeah, he couldn’t say exactly what he was doing because Hope wouldn’t have let him or she would have tried to come with him, and he probably thinks it would be better if she didn’t. True, I’m not sure what Hope was thinking, but surely she wouldn’t believe he would just give up after everything either? And yes, I think they did have an understanding of each other even though it was painful for them. 🥺 But yeah, I think it’s pretty obvious that Landon’s not giving up!

And I agree, I think he’s been handling things extremely well after everything he’s been through, and then forcing himself to leave Hope and his home? Without even taking the time to recover at all? Idk how he can even function enough to go off to do what he’s doing, that’s amazing.

[avintagekiss24]

so I finally finished the show and im kinda disappointed with the ending :/ I feel like they should’ve just kept the book ending because I think it’s meant to be one season ?? so we didn’t really get a resolve and we’re left with wonderings of what happens after.. overall i feel like the writing was kinda flat but the acting was 10/10 throughout all episodes and chris was so so good ⭐️

Hi there! I’m gonna put my specific feelings under the cut and I’m also gonna tag this #defending jacob #defending jacob spoilers, but in general, as a whole, I really enjoyed the show! I thought the writing and the pacing of each episode was really good and griping (except for the murder gene stuff... that was stupid, lmao). It definitely kept me wanting more. I thought the cinematography was beautiful... all of the close ups on Chris’ face and eyelashes were superb, lmao, and I also thought that both Michelle Dockery and Chris were incredible in their roles.

Now for the ending...

I think I agree with you, I’m kinda disappointed with it too, because I like stories that have... endings, lol. It doesn’t have to be a neat one, all wrapped up in a pretty bow - that’s unrealistic. Even if the ending is sad and devastating and heartbreaking, it’s still an ending, and I appreciate that more that open endings.

I read the wiki about the book and I think I would have liked the book ending as well. It’s not definite - like you don’t really know if Jacob killed Ben or Hope, but it’s written in a way where it’s more likely than not that he did kill them, and that both Laurie and Andy have come to that same conclusion as well. The book ending would have made it possible for both Laurie and Andy to emotionally deal with what happened and move on from it, whether it be together or on their own.

It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around how they’ll move on together as a family with this new ending. Like, y’all are just gonna pretend like Laurie didn’t try to kill herself and Jacob? You’re just gonna act like she wasn’t struggling as a woman and as a mother on whether or not she raised a murderer? I think they were alluding to the fact that Laurie doesn’t remember the crash, but what if Jacob does (assuming he recovers and wakes up)? How is he supposed to deal with the fact that his mom tried to kill him? What if one day, Laurie starts to remember? Brain injuries (if they have them - which they SHOULD. I mean, she ran her car into a BRICK wall doing 80pmh... that fact that both of them are still alive in itself is incredible) are weird that way! And you can’t tell me that Andy doesn’t know that she did it on purpose - but we all know that homie is a MASTER at pretending everything is perfect and that they are a perfect little family unit.

This ending just sends this family right back into chaos - lying to each other, not dealing with their emotional/mental well being, using coping mechanisms (aka Andy’s drinking in the last episode) instead of trying to heal in a healthy way...

I don’t think you asked for all of this, lmao, but this is a long way of me agreeing with you about the ending. I still really enjoyed the show, though.

[meduise]

my own hibari headcanons

[reposting because of adult terminology crimes, lol]

been meaning to write down my list of hcs for a while anyway, and now i have the occasion to get to it! among the others im gonna add what i decided to avoid putting under this post and give more details about what i already wrote there

content/trigger warnings: death, assassination, mental illness, eating disorders

the list will be under the cut! it excludes my strictly shippy hcs and i may update it over time

first things first. like my own blog title suggests, i hc hibari as a trans guy.  i’m trans myself, so this is arguably the hc of mine im the most attached to for personal comfort reasons LOL. it all started when i read a fic about trans hibari a few years ago and later on i got more and more fond of this transcanon, becoming 100% personal. i also hc that he doesnt feel dysphoric. as for his sexuality i hc him as gay

we know that hibari and fon are relatives. my idea is that they’re step-brothers (different mother), and long lost to that. NOW. i realize that with the assumption of fon’s age, them being siblings is unlikely, but it shouldn’t be impossible. their father could be old enough. he got married to a chinese woman who gave birth to fon, then divorced, then got married again to a japanese woman, kyouya’s mom. (i kinda based this on my irls situation, where because of the parents’ second marriage there is at least a good 20 years of gap between the oldest and youngest sibling)

the hibari family was part of the yakuza. to answer a question that was made to me: i agree that hibari “just liking fighting” isnt funny at all. i heavily believe that there’s a psychological reason to his behavior but im going to talk about this in another point below. i also think that hibari was probably the heir to the clan, but here in my head hibari is still too young for it, like 5-6 years old.

when hibari was a child his parents got killed in the hibari household. how could they get killed in their own house, didn’t they have enough protection? they did. but the guard was low considering who turned out to be their murderers were old, trusted allies. kyouya only survived because he managed to hide properly and long enough. he didnt witness the assassination but he did see his parents in a pool of blood after everything ended. before dying, his mom left a last message to him: be stronger than anyone else. because of the trauma, even in the present hibari avoids going back to that house as much as he can and especially he never reopens the door of the crime scene. hibari also still grows into a delinquent, but he dislikes the mafia world and wishes he didnt have to be involved with it

for a while, hibari is in fon’s mother’s custody. here is when he meets fon for the first time, over time they get very attached to one another, but because of the arcobaleno matters, fon goes disappearing, and hibari ends up assuming fon has died and left him behind just like this parents did. fon reappears and goes to meet hibari in occasion of the arcobaleno representative battles and of course wit trauma resurface and about 10 years of beliefs and assumptions hibari really, really struggles with this reunion, but eventually they bond again. (for this one i dont take into account the events in the anime only arcobaleno trial events, as well as the fact that we see all the arcobalenos revived at the end of the future arc)

hibari has an antisocial personality disorder (which implies he already had conduct disorders before the age of 15). it explains his violent and criminal behavior, as well as the fact that he doesn’t feel guilty for anything he does. he also suffers from ptsd and has eating disorders (i thought about the avoidant food intake, where, among the other symptoms, a person avoids to extreme levels some types of food because of characteristics such as their pattern or their color and generally lacks appetite/interest in food)

(wears my enneagram nerd hat) HIBARI IS A TYPE EIGHT. 8w7 precisely, aka the maverick. all about type eight is basically a call out to hibari lmfao but here’s the most relevant characteristics: eights are the real stand-alones of the enneagram. eights’ basic fear is to be harmed and controlled by others, and they steel up to prevent their basic fear from happening (or happening again). below the tough facade there is a vulnerability that cant be shown to anyone. their virtue is innocence, an innocence that they once and forever lost, and hibari basically lost it when his family was assassinated. eights are also associated to the deadly sin of lu st. for hibari its not necessarily the ns fw kinda lu st, rather bloodlu st. and its one big paradox because eights want to be in control of their surroundings, but being consumed by lu st means being under something/someone else’s control (and so we’re back to the basic fear). unhealthy eights are violent, despotic, reckless. all things we see in hibari. very unhealthy eights are also those who typically may develop the antisocial disorder, reason why i listed it above

since he wants to dominate his environment, hibari controls over the namimori and especially the school to feel “security”. he managed it through illegal means and pretty much lives in the school, namichuu is also one of the few places where usually he can sleep without having nightmares

yes, hibari loves sleeping but also he gets nightmares about his past more often than not

but i also love imagining hibari gradually healing and recovering from his trauma, so i do hc that in adulthood he’s mentally doing better. he can be a leader without being tyrannical. he can be strong while also acknowledging his own vulnerability. he is able to love again, too

the reason why he has a soft spot for little animals and children, like we see for ipin, is that he (unconsciously?) sees in them the innocence he himself lost. plus tiny and cute things help him cope when he is having episodes

he also treats ipin well because she is fon’s pupil. and i love to think of them as a little family

if hibari has a ring he really likes or is emotionally attached to he makes sure to never wear it on his fingers so he doesnt risk breaking it with his flames

hibari is pretty much a nerd, in his own twisted way. i mean. he’s seen reading in a bunch of official arts and we know that he’s very fond of the wonders of the world, he started up the foundation for his box researches and he knows well how illusions work - which means he studied them. since he was moved by his hatred towards mukuro, his illusion studies must have reached an unhealthy level, becoming an obsession

fon trained hibari on how to fight against illusions as well

for hibari, finding out he has mist flames too was very much of a shock, but he eventually accepts it. he only uses those flames if really needed (like the foundation entry camouflage)

i will get back to this post when i’ll have established:

why hibari picks tonfas as his weapons (i already have an idea but i havent gone into details myself enough to write about it here)

hibari’s parents and fon’s mother’s name

anything relevant that i forgot or come up with

[queer-vampire]

haven’t done a read more in a while... bunch of trigger warnings (surrounding abuse) ahead

i have a lot of things running through my head right now. i have for the past week and a half now. nothing short of one extreme thought to the next. it first started out with wondering if my unexplained diagnoses could be some form of bipolar disorder. one top of that, my health insurance is in the clouds so i can’t pick up my meds yet and i’m going through some emotional and mental withdrawals instead of physical ones. the other day i had a full blown episode and the ONLY thing that helped was doping up on my emergency anxiety meds to help me sleep the ENTIRE day. 

on top of it all, im still needing to move out as soon as i can. there is a lot of factors to take into consideration, but moving out is my absolute number one priority now. i cannot live here anymore. it might seem like an exaggeration, but i think living here is slowly eating away at my sanity.

fast forward to today, and my post about my victimology class. day one of this class i knew i’d be opening up a box stuffed away in my mind that read ‘do not open, ever’ and yet, i took a box cutter and ripped that shit open wide.

so, since january of this year ive been treading lightly around the contents of what was inside the box. but today, oh boy, today i finally sat down and looked at them. 

physical abuse. thats something i didn’t want to say. thats something i was on the fence about for the better part of five years now. “no, it was just a misunderstanding” i would say to myself. its true, what you can tell others often times you can tell yourself. thats literally textbook responses for victims. its not that i didn’t know, i just didn’t want to acknowledge it yet. or at all. 

no, it doesn’t stop there. there is something deeper down in that box that i didn’t dare take out until today. im already peeling back the physical abuse, might as well get the final piece out of the box. now, before i even begin, it’s not rape. i know that for a fact. honest. unless my brain has REALLY made me forget shit, it’s not anything extremely sexual. 

my dad would tickle my sister and i without having any self control. he wouldn’t stop when we would scream it out. he would have us literally pinned to the ground so we couldn’t escape. i can recall a few incidents where i pissed myself because he wouldn’t stop. 

just because someone is laughing while its happening, doesn’t mean its not painful or traumatizing. thats the automatic response. centuries ago, and even today in some countries, they have tickle-torture. like for FUCKS sake that shit is so far from ok. 

1) he pinned us down 2) he didn’t stop when we screamed at him to stop 3) we would piss ourselves 4) sometimes our wrists would hurt for a while afterwards

this is borderline sexual abuse. in some definitions it is. i don’t know how i would conclude it, i’ll ask my therapist when i see her in a couple of weeks. i know she’ll leave it up to me, but i want her honest opinion. part of me wants to be a little dramatic about this, but knowing that i’ve been right and validated by her with my assumptions before i know deep down what she’ll say.

i don’t know if he’s done anything else with my sister, but he’s done a few other more physical-based actions with me. when i was younger, he would grab me if i wasn’t getting what he was saying during an argument we were having. it wasn’t anything incredibly aggressive, but it was tight around my arm. at one point, when i was no older than five, he carried me up to the master bedroom and pinned me to the bed and yelled at me right in my face about how i was acting like ‘a baby’. five years old. 

that was the only time he got that aggressive with his physical actions. the last time he did anything physical was when i was still in my cast and using crutches. he was wanting to start an argument and i wasn’t having it. he was in my room but i knew i couldn’t yell at him to get out, so i started for the bathroom. but before i could even make my first step with my crutches to get out of my chair, he ripped one of the crutches from me and it nearly made me fall over. i was stunned, since he hadn’t done anything physical in a long time. but ooooooh it made me furious. i kept my cool, but that will forever haunt me. 

and something else that is crossing boundaries that could lead to some sexual abuse of some kind is the fact that BOTH my parents don’t really understand intimate boundaries. or just boundaries in general. what i mean specifically is that they seem to think it’s ok that they can just walk around almost naked. as a kid i don’t remember it bothering me much, but that is most likely because i had to suppress any trauma from that. it got so bad that i legit thought it was normal that parents did that. dear god how fucking gross is this??? i haven’t seen my dad naked before thank GOD, but i have seen my mom naked. and it wasn’t because i accidentally walked in on her changing or anything. how in the FUCK did she not learn that when people are in the house that you just don’t walk around naked??????????? like “oops i forgot my towel, i’ll have to yell out a) can someone bring it to me or b) yell out that i need to step out naked for a second” like AT LEAST do those two things jesus FUCK.

i knew about ^ earlier than the newest cesspool of shit i opened up today. i knew the previous physical interactions with my dad in arguments wasn’t healthy either, but for years i’ve completely denied that it was a problem, and for five years i desperately denied that it was physical abuse because i didn’t want to deal with it. i didn’t want to hear it. i didn’t really want to try and work through all of that.

what makes my experience the LITERAL worst is that everything is in a grey area of definition. nothing i’ve experienced is textbook definition. no one could catch on just by looking at any of us. hell, i fucking cheated the system even though i have many undiagnosed disorders and unspecified learning disabilities that are most likely dyslexia and dyscalculia. the four of us were very, very good a hiding a lot from public eye. thats why ive always hesitated when talking about my childhood in this light. its not an easy explanation to people who aren’t familiar with different kinds of abuse. 

yeah, i don’t have to explain shit to anyone. i’m learning to really take that to heart, because people need to trust me when i say that i’ve been abused. emotionally and now, i guess, physically. no matter to what degree and how repetitive it was/is its still abuse.

i need to move. i don’t know where to go. i don’t have a lot of money. im still recovering from my car accident. im a college student. i have a cat to take care of. i have a job but it’s proving to be literal hell, but i have one lined up and it pays the same. everything is up in the air and i cannot control much of it. but i know for SURE that i need to move as soon as i can. i don’t know what to do at this point. i want to start a gofundme, but i hate asking for money like this. i want to talk with extended relatives, but good lord i can only imagine how that would play out. im contemplating moving out to arizona. i could live with my aunt and uncle and pay rent, but that still isn’t moving out. is it? i just have to leave. im desperate now. 

so very, very desperate

[axiolotl]

this week has been really, really weird. like a whole ass roller coaster, with a lot of great, awesome things and one pretty bad thing, but...i’m still ok. literally no one has any obligation to read this it’s just me reflecting on a wild week so that i don’t lose track and can go through my feelings

(read more for Lots of personal)

so this past week: 

Thursday: got to my hotel in Boston to go to PAX East for the weekend with some of my best friends, and had a really nice, relaxing time in a lil mini-vacation, in anticipation of a new job starting in a week (today, technically)

Friday: we all got dressed up in really nice cosplays from the game monster prom, and went to really cool panels, people took our pictures, and just...it was so nice to wake up and hang out with friends, peacefully getting make up all in excitement for a con. we met the monster prom creators and became friends with one of them, and she invited us to her new play opening up in NYC for thursday (i couldn’t go bc my new job was 1-9pm, but still super nice). and we learned a lot at panels,  and got a ton of inspiration for game ideas and future cosplays. we saw so many cool indie games and most importantly i got to hang out with just. good friends 

Saturday: we spent the day relaxing at the hotel, went to the gym, and then i got to meet my good internet friend for the first time and play d&d (dungeons & doggies) while drunk and it was warm and nice and cozy and fantastic

Sunday: i was originally not going to go to PAX East on this day but i bought a ticket anyway bc i just got a new job, we go back in normal clothes, see a bunch of new indie games and go to educational panels, and again, hang out with good friends. we got inspiration for the games we wanna make this summer!!!! we all drive back to my friend’s place for the night & sleepover

Monday: we woke up at my friend’s place, which is always just...such a treat? it’s always so nice and dreamy and beautiful to wake up on the couch with my friend sleeping on the air mattress next to me, while my two other friends quietly make breakfast and coffee and play games on mute in the same room. Ideal. i drove back home and spent the rest of the day recovering to make sure i don’t get con plague, went into my parent’s hot tub, hung out with friends online (and fell asleep while on call l o l )

Tuesday: another slower day, but i set goals to email a professor about a class i’m currently failing to ask if there was any way to extend my deadlines. i was still really tired and feeling sick from PAX so im proud that i was able to send that email and still unpack my bag and clean up my house, knowing i’d want a cleaner place in the coming week bc low energy and new job (and had a fun time hanging out with friends online by the end of the day)

Wednesday: i spent the morning organizing all the business cards, pamphlets, and handouts from PAX to make sure that i wishlisted all the games i wanted and recorded all the notes from the panels i wanted. i sat down and found all the documents for my taxes and filed my taxes by myself for the first time, which is awesome. (i did all of that without my ADHD meds, btw)

i also had class & d&d that night, and just as i was about to fill out my W2 for the new job i was gonna start today before i go to class, my mom called to let me know that my grandma passed away. 

it...it’s kind of been a long time coming. idk how many people followed me almost a decade ago when my grandpa (my grandma who just died’s husband) but it was a similar situation. she’s had dementia for the past two years, and has been on the decline for a while. i don’t know whether she recognized me this past year, or really understood what anyone was saying (she couldn’t really speak, either), but...it’s still really hard. it’s relieving, almost, to know that she doesn’t need to suffer in confusion anymore, but it’s difficult being in the “after” of such an event, even when, all things considered, i had a pretty awesome week with even more awesome things planned in the future. i called out of class and my new job & they said they’d make my start date next week instead, and played d&d that night to keep my spirits up. OH and i got an email saying that i got accepted for a scholarship to cover all my tuition for next semester, and my professor said he’d extend deadlines for my failing class lol. 

Thursday (today!): I woke up feeling...mostly okay, actually. it’s really hard to determine my feelings, because i went through a bunch yesterday after talking to family & friends, and did a lot of reflection and comparison between how i feel now versus how i felt back when i first experienced death in my family. when my grandpa died, i felt that same relief, and at first, i didn’t really feel anything. i was in the beginning stages of a depressive episode and his death triggered a years long major depressive episode. but the difference now is that i’m stronger emotionally, i have an amazing support system of friends, i’m happy and have been happy consistently for a year, and i know when to be gentle with myself; i probably technically could have gone to my first day of work today, but i think for myself emotionally, it’s better that i didn’t. it’s better that i took the time today to clean the house, find pictures of my grandma, and write a eulogy for sunday and monday. it’s better that i wasn’t worrying about my first day outfit and remembering names and meeting people while also having that emotional stress on me, instead of ignoring that emotional stress. 

i’ve matured emotionally since then. i won’t just push down what i’m feeling; i can acknowledge my mourning, i can remember my grandma, i can be sad about losing her, and still continue my life and see my future in excitement. it’s going to hurt to feel those things, it’s going to hurt to talk to my family, it’s going to hurt to see my family sad, and it’s going to hurt to go to the funeral and the wake. it’s going to hurt to do those things, but i can still find good things. i can smile at the pictures i go through, and i can plan to hang out with friends so that i can be reminded of how good life is, and i can bring the joy and love and warmth that i learned in the past decade and continue to carry it through with me. 

later today i’m going over to my grandma’s house to help my cousin look for old pictures for a memorial, and then tonight i’m going to go to that musical in the city, and then sleepover at my friend’s house

Future: Friday! i’ll wake up at my friend’s house, my friend will drive us home, and then i’ll drive my cousin home from school and then go hang out at a friend’s birthday party and see my best friends 

Saturday i’ll probably be hosting family and/or prepping for the wake and funeral on Sunday and Monday. then Tuesday i have therapy (coincidentally convenient), and d&d again (nice). Wednesday i have class again and then Thursday i’ll *actually* start my job

it’s just been like. WILD. this week has gone from straight up convention, good school news, potential new job, a family death, a musical and a birthday party. this is like a stupid impossible week, how did i get such a huge amount of fun events and good news and then bad news in one week. but the good things is, is that i know i’ll be okay. i know i have fantastic friends, and i know how to take care of myself, and i think i know how to mourn now without completely being devastated. i think that i can be gentle with myself and cushion the bad with the good, to know that life is weird, and i’ll be okay no matter what. i would, really, though, like to just spend the rest of this week with friends even more than i already am. i’d like to hide away for a bit, i’d like to process my feelings, i’d like to commiserate on my own and quietly, and i’d like to just...have someone hold me for a bit. but i’ll be okay, and it’s okay that i won’t be okay for a bit. but unlike last time, i know how to allow myself to be not okay and then recover from that. i know how to come out of this, and i know how to find the happiness. and im eternally grateful to my friends who have been so supportive, even if it’s just by them being their funny and fantastic selves 

[ko2vo]

THIS BLOG IS THREE YEARS OLD TODAY HOLY SHIT (edit: i started this post months ago and forgot about it, this blog was 3 years old on Sept. 7 pffffff-)

Anyway, its been a long time since i last did this, here are a bunch of OCs of mine and, below the read more, is some context for each of them. Probably gonna get long and rambly ‘cause i love them all. You dont have to read about them but please read about them i love them.

Guess the first thing to know is that these aren’t my only OCs. These are kinda the ones that I’ve had around the longest and kept coming back to. Plus, I have some for specific projects that I don’t really elaborate on cuz they exist in a game/writing/something self contained and to say anything would be to say too much, I guess? 

Yeah. Overall, I guess these guys are either so developed or underdeveloped that it wouldn’t be spoiling for me to say things about their personalities/relationships! And some of the stories have changed so drastically over the years, I don’t even know what kinda canon will be canon when i get around to making it.

SO they’re categorized by their different worlds/purposes. ALSO if you want to see more pictures of a particular OC, I made their name clickable and it will bring up their tag (some.... won’t have a lot of drawings tho criesss).

CANDY HERO has been my dream comic project since I was 14 oh man. It’s a superhero story, about homeless kids that have to save the world. The reason for saving the world has changed a lot, from alien invasion to robot uprising to super virus subtly ruining everything. But the plan has always been like a grungy futuristic city setting and long term ideas where each chapter would be a self contained episode.

Soda is one of the main characters and the only person that has superpowers. However, his super powers are candy-based and wicked unstable. He could intend to create crystal rock candy to make a barrier of some kind but accidentally whip up a cotton candy tornado. His superhero origin story has changed a lot, but I usually stick to the idea that he swallowed some nuclear experimental bubblegum and it unexpectedly manifested inside him in a way that gave him these capabilities.

Why would he eat questionable chewing gum?? Well, he’s pretty young when he does so most likely he didn’t realize gum wasn’t for eating at that point. He’s also homeless and isn’t picky about what he eats. He probably ends up on the street when he’s around 7 or 8 and his story takes place when he’s 14 or 15. So, somewhere between there is when he acquires his powers. 

His personality is basically relentless positivity and optimism. Always looks on the bright side and can be counted on as a morale booster. Super loyal and supportive of his friends. Believes in ideals and hopes to make the world a better place, believes the world can be changed for the better. It’s very difficult to upset him. However, his outlook often jars when he has to deal with an emotionally sensitive situation. His general response is “everything will be okay and I believe in you and support you” and, for a lot of people, it doesn’t work like that and it just makes them more upset, especially living among the homeless. Even though he can relate to suffering, his way of dealing things has always been to repress or move on since it couldn’t be helped and that’s usually what he subconsciously advocates.Depending on the person, it can be reassuring or it can feel like a rehearsed script.

All in all, he has a lot of issues he’s left unresolved and ignores in favour of smiling and focusing on the positive and he doesn’t really understand why people will fixate on the negative. So he’s not really good at handling any kinda negative emotions. ALSO his trusting nature makes him a victim in gullibility too. Even with someone that’s been a complete dick to him twenty times over, he’ll always give the benefit of a doubt and allow them second, third, fourth chances.

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT SODA - His real name is Felix but he’s only ever gone by Soda. Rafter was the one that gave him the nickname cuz he’s bubbly and too sweet. - When he’s actually sad and can’t force himself to be happy, he isolates himself. - He’s always wanted to be a super hero! His earliest memory is running around with goggles on and a blanket tied around his shoulders like a cape, playing pretend. - He has an evil doppelganger named Seltzer; they look exactly alike, except Seltzer’s eyes are orange instead of blue. - He smells like a carnival’s trash can.

Rafter is Soda’s best friend. Both of them have been on the street for a similar amount of time, but Rafter’s circumstances for getting there are a lot more harsh. Soda ends up there almost by choice, but Rafter is forced onto the streets. He’s really mature as a result and pretty cautious. Generally, he prefers to be a lone wolf but Soda persisted in helping him cuz they were both kids and logically he understood that it was safer to have someone around. Most of the time, he appreciates Soda for his overabundant friendliness but it also makes him super nervous because jeezuz Soda, don’t talk to that shady dude behind the dumpster what if he harvests your kidneys or something plz exercise some self preservation.

Rafter is relatively quiet, thoughtful, and skeptical. He doesn’t trust people very easily and he tends to keep his circle of friends small. But when he does trust someone, he’s very dependable. Even though he doesn’t have superpowers, he’s got a keen eye for details and analysis. If he were older, he’d probably be a detective. More defensive than offensive, and a strategist. 

He ends up in contention with Soda sometimes, because of Soda’s instinct to jump into things indiscriminately (where Rafter likes to plan and evaluate) and also because of his inability to deal with emotions. Rafter is pretty stable emotionally, but when he does feel upset he goes to Noyal or TOI for support rather than Soda. Rafter needs to work through his feelings with someone else and understand why he reacts the way he did in order to feel better.

Overall, Rafter is very level headed. He thinks realistically and practically. But his caution borders on paranoia sometimes and prevents him from making many meaningful connections for fear of being hurt. And, when in contrast with Soda’s positive outlooks, he worries that he comes off as less realistic and more negative and jaded by comparison. It’s a thought that eats away at him sometimes.

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT RAFTER - He plays piano and its the best way for him to relax. - Rafter isn’t his real name but no one knows it. - His dream career is to be a psychologist and help kids like him when he gets older, in order to help them avoid being homeless. - Dogs make him nervous. Especially big dogs.  - Even though he lives on the street, he’s very careful to stay as clean and hygienic as he can. Can’t stand feeling grimy or dirty.

TOI is an illegal android. She was a young boy as a human who was dying and her father was a scientist that transferred her consciousness to a robot. There is a law that states that any person under the age of consent cannot have their consciousness transferred because androids are not subject to the same laws as humans. It is completely legal for an adult to choose to become an android but there are really fucked up, blurred moral lines with the production of androids. Even if they have a living consciousness and not an AI installed, the only real law they’re required to follow is to be registered and have an owner.

Short of that, anything that happens to androids is damage against the owner, not the android. Because android parts are replaceable and, even if a consciousness is human or a highly developed AI, they are subject to selective memory wipes and can be transferred to other vessels. So androids are kind of resented by some people, able to forget their traumas with the push of a button and recover from damage that would be irreparable for something organic. There have been a lot of attempts at acquiring self ownership and more protection for robots in general, but overall it comes down to “if you can choose to forget, why are you remembering.” It’s a system that kind of works, but only for robots that have owners and owners who care about their well being (which logically they should, because an android costs about as much as a new car would and, if they are spending that much and the consciousness is someone they know, the assumption is that it’s an act of love).

ANYWAYS I could ramble about the messed up robot-human relations of this world all day, but essentially TOI is illegal for many reasons. For one, she was about nine when her consciousness was extracted. Though her mind does continue to age, it’s still morally grey because the public assumption is that all robots are considered consenting adults, even when they have a body that appears younger. It’s a means of avoiding fucked up shit that developers know would happen anyways by at least making it fucked up shit that only happens to adults??? If that makes sense??? im avoiding specific words, cuz its too dark for how PG i want the story to be and its not something i would really explore in canon, its just something i think about when considering TOI’s choices.

She’s also very illegal because, when she turned 15 her father died and her father was her ‘technical’ owner. She wasn’t registered but she had some protection with him around as his ‘scientific property’ but with him gone, no one faces any consequences for damaging her. It leaves her in a very vulnerable position should anyone find out she’s an android and unregistered. And she can’t advocate for robot rights because without an owner, she can just get wiped and no one could do anything about it.

Personality wise, TOI is very snarky. She likes to sass and tease and outsmart people. In canon, she’s about 32 years old, so she also takes a sadistic pleasure in making adults think they’ve been outwitted by a child. She is highly intelligent but operates under the radar because of her situation, usually relying on her human connections (Noyal) in order to save money or sign important documents.

In Candy Hero, she currently isn’t planned to appear for a handful of chapters. Soda and Rafter have a few adventures themselves, then they meet her when she is visiting Noyal. She trusts them as Noyal’s friends and sticks around, their antics amusing her. Plus, since they all look around the same age, TOI feels more secure moving around in public with them.

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT TOI - TOI doesn’t need to eat or sleep as a robot, but she does need to recharge every other week depending on her exertion, and she needs regular maintenance. - She was a trans girl even before her consciousness was put into her robot body but socially closeted, except to her father and Noyal. - She loves cats and her favourite clothing items are cat themed. - Whenever she’s able to, she attends art galleries and musical events. - SHES GONE THROUGH THE MOST DESIGN CHANGES like, she used to be a super sexualized animu lady with big boobs and no pants (i want to fight 15 yr old me when i think about it honestly) then she was skinny dude with a gas mask and hood, then lost the mask but became purely a program, then a virus trapped inside a phone Soda had, and now she’s where she is and I’m happiest with her newest design

Noyal is a quiet guy that lives on a boat. He doesn’t say much but he’s empathetic toward Soda and Rafter as street kids. I haven’t really thought about how they meet but my guess is that Soda and Rafter are jumping around different places for food and shelter during the winter and Noyal notices them since he jumps around to the different places for his work. He doesn’t approach them though, it’s Soda that approaches him offering to help him with something (much to Rafter’s horror cuz holy shit Noyal is scary looking) and they all eventually begin to talk. Well, Noyal mostly listens but he talks more with them than he does almost anyone else (TOI being the exception).

Eventually, he offers them a place to stay for the worst nights. They can’t stay with him all the time cuz his boat’s pretty cramped as it is and Noyal likes his solitude. He can’t handle the idea of being a father figure to Soda and Rafter so he makes sure they understand that he views them as friends, not as children he needs to be responsible for. Even though Rafter was nervous about him at first, it turns out that he and Noyal have very compatible personalities and the equal ground he offers in defining that “I’m not an authority over you just because I’ve lived longer” ironically makes Rafter really look up to and respect him. 

I’ve not really thought out Noyal’s history to the same extent I’ve thought out TOI’s. He’s always been quiet, somewhat mysterious, but willing to help a friend in need. I imagine he’s been helped through a lot of things when he was young and that’s what makes him willing to extend altruism and sanctuary when he encounters someone that needs help. However, unlike Soda, he doesn’t go out of his way or beyond what he’s comfortable with. If he wants to help and is capable of doing so, he will.

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT NOYAL - He owns a dog; an elderly and blind Schnauzer affectionately called Old Russ, who sleeps on his bed with him. - I’ve always imagined him with a Newfoundlander accent. - He’s actually a year younger than TOI and she’ll never let him forget it. - He has a twin sister that he doesn’t like to talk about; she sends him a care package every few months. - He works at a million different jobs. One of the running gags I’ve established in my writing is that he’s just everywhere; Soda and Rafter go to a circus, he’s running the ticket booth; they go to a theatre, he’s a janitor; they head to the mall, he’s working security. HE IS A BUSY MAN. - Covered in scars not because he gets into fights but because he loves animals, regularly works at places with big animals, and would willingly get mangled by a bear if it meant he was able to help it.

PURE FLUFF isn’t the name of anything but I just have no other designation for these two OCs (I used to call their story Day by Day but I’ve abandoned that name). I made them with the intent of doing a really fluffy gay webcomic and I still want to! But it probably won’t be a linear storyline like i originally intended, more like random snippets of their time together. I also specifically wanted to focus not on falling in love, but staying in love. Like, usually the plot and conflict of romance ends with people becoming a couple. Yet, there are so many fun and ridiculous issues that pop up while being a couple??? LIKE COME ON?? 

Also, it’s a super pure and wholesome story overall so the issues aren’t anything really terrible (at least, between Evan and Love). Usually its like “i dont care how in the zone you are, you havent slept in over 72 hours and im forcing you to sleep” and “dude i know you wouldn’t cheat on me but your hot tutor is making me wicked jealous and possessive and i need attention plz” and “oh nooooo looks like they accidentally put pineapple on both sides of the pizza, guess you’re gonna have to eat pineapple too.” Y’know. Small issues.

Evan is the epitome of lethargy. He’s tired 24/7 and monotone in his speech patterns. Emotions are difficult for him. He experiences them but numbly and has trouble dealing with other’s displays of emotions, particularly in the extreme. He doesn’t really understand people with strong passions or hatreds but he tries to be supportive in his own way. And he really does try but when people don’t know him, they assume his muted reactions are out of disinterest. He can’t force himself to react the way people want so he struggles in a lot of social situations. A lot of the time, he ends up overwhelmed and exhausted if he spends too much time with a crowd.

He doesn’t have the best relationship with his parents and moved out the moment he turned 18 but he has younger siblings that love and adore him so he tries to keep in touch with them at least. Evan is in post secondary and is majoring in computer science and programming. Again, not exactly because it’s his passion but he understands it and it’s an independent activity that he can work on. He also is minoring in ancient history because he enjoys the mythology and guesswork of studying ancient civilizations. 

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT EVAN - He is probably trans. Honestly, for a lot of my characters, I tend to keep things flexible unless it’s important to their story or I’m being self indulgent so most of them are like ‘maby they are maby they aren’t it doesnt matter’ if i dont say anything. I mention it for Evan cuz its been something I’ve considered as the reason his relationships with his parents being tense. - He is about 23-24, which is two years older than Love. They met in high school because Evan had to take a lower level art class to complete his diploma. Often, people think he is younger than Love because of his baby face and being so much shorter. The assumption tends to annoy him. - Evan is colourblind! Protanopia, or red-green colourblindness.  - He has a history of self harm that only Love knows about and he’s since found healthier coping mechanisms. - His favourite thing is spending a lazy afternoon at home, reading a book while Love draws beside him

Love is an artist and an asshole. He likes to tease and press buttons, but generally doesn’t overstep boundaries (and feels terrible when he accidentally does). He is a positive person, looks on the bright side but he has a lot of feelings and not all of them are happy. He’s sensitive, gets disheartened at the slightest off tone. Conversely, he’s extremely easy to please too, the slightest praise sending him buzzing. His mood jumps around a lot depending on where he is, but Evan tends to keep him balanced because he understands and appreciates Evan’s tranquillity. 

As an artist, Love focuses on painting and sketching. He loves to use a lot of colour and tends to lean toward impressionism and abstraction in his work. He likes deep thinking but he tends to lean toward making work that’s pretty and aesthetically pleasing to look at (which he gets shit for as an art student). However, a lot of the worst of his habits are associated with painting. He’ll go for days without sleep and eating if he’s in a good painting mood, usually much to Evan’s concern. In high school before dating Evan, he experimented with some hallucinogenics for the sake of artistic venture. He also used to smoke somewhat heavily. Evan helped him ease away from those habits, just as he helped Evan ease away from his.

Also, Love is absolutely enamoured with Evan. Evan loves him back of course, he wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t feel anything, but Love is way more deeply attached. He hovers and will do his best to accommodate Evan, he worries about Evan and tends to talk about him as a common subject in conversation, and he’s happiest when spending his time with Evan. Evan is a lot more independent in the sense that he doesn’t fixate on Love like Love does him, but Love is still the most important person in his life. Love doesn’t really try to tone down his affection either, he’d probably yell in a public space “GOD MY BOYFRIEND IS WONDERFUL??? IM SO LUCKY???” and get kicked out. But it’d so be worth it. He loves making Evan embarrassed.

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT LOVE - His name, Love Jaakola, is pronounced Low-vay Yak-oh-law. His father was Swedish and his mother is Chinese (she’s the only one he’s still in contact with). He is an only child. - His hair is naturally dark brown but he regularly dyes it blonde. The ‘streak’ in his hair is actually dried acrylic paint from pushing his hair out his face, the only way he’s able to get rid of it is to cut it off (but it comes back cuz he’s in the habit of running his paint coated hand through his hair at this point). - Love is Evan’s first date person, but Love has dated about 4 people before Evan. Two were girls, one was a boy, and one was nonbinary. However, most of those relationships only lasted a few months, he has been with Evan for about 4-5 years (they’ve known each other about 6-7 yrs). - Ironically, he’s a bit of a technophobe. Evan keeps telling him he should post his artwork online or that he should network with people more to expand his art career, but Love’s like ‘maby.... one day... not today.......’ - His favourite thing is to draw/paint on Evan’s skin. Nothing really planned or meant to impress, just lazing around in their underwear and doodling thoughtlessly.

BAD SEEDS oh god. this is... my sin comic. Sort of. Last year around this time, I was fucking ITCHING to make a webcomic. It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and like, in the time frame of Aug-Nov, my urge to make gore art goes through the roof (like, most people dont get how gross i am cuz i only draw it around this time, i tend to quietly absorb other’s gore during the rest of the year). So the plans for this comic came around. Psychological horror, gore, plants and flowers, bones, I threw a lot of self indulgent shit into this comic.

Bad Seeds is about two terrible high school kids that cause one another to do awful things by encouraging each other’s violent impulses (i say “kids”, they’re both 17 and would experience their 18th birthdays in canon, i literally just wanted a high school setting cuz bullies weeeeps). I did a lot of sketched out comics in my small travel sketchbook of really climactic, messed up scenes, then I tried to do an actual story line so I could do a comic. I made the first 14 ish pages and they’re still floating around but.... wow i hate the beginning. And need to rewrite it. Cuz I still like a lot of the scenes I made for the middle of the story and the messed up dynamics please me but, unfortunately, the main characters need to meet somehow. 

Daniel is a nervous, paranoid boy. He’s very jumpy and always feels like he’s going to be yelled at for doing something wrong. He feels like an outcast and kind of makes himself out to be one by thinking that way. Doesn’t go out of his way to make friends, isn’t interested by sports or clubs, and his grades in school are average or below average. However, people that do know him would say he was polite, quiet, and accommodating. Even though he looks awkward, they’d insist he was just shy and warms up to you.

In reality, he behaves that way because he’s almost been conditioned and guilted into being selfless by his dad (his only family). He takes up extra shifts at work if someone asks him, he’ll lend someone he doesn’t know money if they ask, and he will help with cleaning/organizing after school if he’s asked. He doesn’t volunteer and generally doesn’t want to do a lot of things he agrees to but he just can’t say no unless it clashes with other things he’s agreed to do (usually, his job). 

Other than that though, a lot of his internalized guilt stems from his fascination with the morbid and a fear of people finding out. In my old draft of Bad Seeds, he became fascinated after being exposed to guro on the internet, but I want the time setting to be late 90s-early 2000s, so I’m compiling a lot of texts and paintings that would feed that interest and be more time appropriate. I’m also trying to figure out if that would make him more interested in art history and specific classical literature but honestly, I don’t think it would; he’d probably fixate only on the most gruesome things and skim over all else haaah.

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT DANIEL - He is a masochist. Whenever he gets injured, it tends to take three times as long to heal as it should because he picks and scratches and makes things worse. He also self harms on his upper arms for this reason, to watch it bleed and heal (though, I’m certain a warped idea of atonement for his guilt also plays into the action). - Before meeting Poet, he’d been watching him from a far for two years. Not exactly stalking, he doesn’t go out of his way, but they’re in the same small town school; he stares at him from across the cafeteria at lunch and glances at him when they have classes together and listens extra hard when he hears people talk about Poet.  - He works at a small cafe that doesn’t get a lot of traffic. - He sleepwalks and has really vivid dreams. Sometimes he self-induces insomnia to avoid them but that tends to have bad side effects. - He really enjoys his hair being played with/petted/pulled. 

Poet is seemingly perfect. He’s one of the top students, with exceptional grades in all of his classes. He’s the president of the student council and he’s well liked by most of the student body because he’s humble and, though hard working and busy, he tries to treat everyone kindly and make good impressions. The only thing he could be considered average in is sports, but he stays active by gardening and hiking. He takes to positions of leadership well, he’s good at improvising, and speaks eloquently. All of his hard work is contributing to his career goal of becoming a medical doctor or surgeon.

However, he has the same morbid fascinations as Daniel. Though, while Daniel is exposed to creative sources like fiction and paintings depicting violence or gore, Poet is more grounded in reality. He uses medical textbooks and pays a lot of attention to real life surgery photos. There was a point where, with the mental excuse that he would need to be comfortable with the grotesque, that he would look for dead things in order to do mock autopsies. He’s killed animals before but always with his version of a justification; to end something’s suffering or in self defence. He rarely kills animals because of this need for a proper explanation. In the old draft of Bad Seeds, his and Daniel’s meeting is him trying to explain that he killed a wild dog that had backed him into an alley and struggling to come up with a reason for why Daniel found him elbow deep in its guts.

HE’S SUCH  A BAD DUDE HONESTLY i hate him. Especially with Daniel, after they acknowledge one another’s fucked up impulses, Poet becomes really attached to Daniel but in a messed up abusive and jealous way. He begins to manipulate and gaslight Daniel, whose already isolated, to become even more isolated and only trust Poet and lets himself get talked into a lot by Poet. Well, they talk each other into things. Poet, at the beginning of their relationship, is still extremely preoccupied with appearances and knows what they’re doing is wrong as tempting as it is to have a willing participant and gives Daniel a lot of chances to say no to things. But the more Daniel says yes, the more of a power trip Poet goes on and god, they just make each other so much worse over time and it’s awful and unhealthy and i hate that I’m absolutely into this kinda psychological shit (ONLY FICTIONALLY THO i hate that i need to specify that; if this happened in real life, id fucking call the cops in a heartbeat).

But yea, if he and Daniel never met, they’d both be way better off in the long run honestly haha.

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT POET - Probably goes without saying, but he is a sadist. Like, he likes to think he is clinically scientific about everything he does, but when he gets the chance to act out fantasies with Daniel, he starts paying a lot of attention to expression and reaction when he does things. - I mentioned he enjoys gardening but he really likes gardening! He does all the gardening and maintenance of his parent’s home during the warm months, and keeps a lot of plants inside too. - I usually draw him with black hair, but at some point he dies his hair silver/white.  - He has a fluffy medium sized dog named Styx, not sure about the breed. Probably a mutt but lots of collie. - Poet existed before Bad Seeds, as a character in Love and Evan’s story! He was still kind of awful but more harmless. He wound up having a crush on Evan while tutoring him in English, but Evan wasn’t interested and also is dating Love. Love had a small crush on Poet cuz he’s lowkey poly and super into intellect/glasses/charisma, which he talked over with Evan. Evan accepts it as part of him but personally wouldn’t be comfortable dating him if he were dating others, so Love compromises because hot damn he loves Evan. ANYWAYS Poet is still awful because, even after Evan says no, he pines and obsesses and tries to monopolize his time as a “””friend”””” (thankfully tho, Evan is not susceptible to his bullshit - which sadly makes Poet like him that much more criesssss)

Ray is a bit of an enigma. He’s technically in his senior year with both Daniel and Poet, but he’s actually two years older and is only back at the school to complete his high school diploma. But no one really remembers him as attending their school? Despite this though, he settles into the school atmosphere well. Even though he’s 19, he’s generally mistaken for younger. He has classes he does well in and classes he skips, but his passion is for music. He’s a skilled, adaptable guitarist who gets called into a few bars and clubs when a band is short and was practically adopted by the school band the moment they found out his skill level. Thing is, he’s also very lazy and wants to avoid things that feel like work, usually causing them to send the drummer to kidnap him in order to get him to attend practice.

He gives off an air of being laid back and aloof, but he’s rather observant. Ray is probably the closest thing to a friend that Daniel has, because Ray noticed he was a bit of a black sheep and decided to keep him company. At first, out of concern that he was being bullied, but after some time it was a little more personal because he realized that Daniel had a crush on another boy (since this story is set in a small town during late 90s early 2000s, repression and institutionalized homophobia are a concern but not really the focus). Personal because he is actually gay and trans and he becomes a little protective over Daniel, having figured this out. Though, his protectiveness doesn’t stop him from teasing Daniel (about having a crush, not about being gay of course).

Ray is also a little eccentric. He refuses to sit in seats properly, he wanders around the streets at like 3am and during rainstorms, and always packs a lunch but never eats it, usually giving it away to Daniel or some first year. He comes off pretty confident and he’s decent at improvising but overall he has no shame and no idea what he’s doing.

SOME EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT RAY - He has an ex who I haven’t developed but he’s also important, he’s a coworker of Daniel’s. Ray’s ex is actually a decent and understanding dude, but Ray broke up with him because he wanted to get rid of things that reminded him about being “Rachel” (his deadname). - He shares a basement apartment with like, five other lgbt people, but he doesn’t spend much time there and has a tendency to fall asleep where ever. - He’s an orphan. Dad died when he was young, and his mom was a police officer who died in the line of duty during the time he had disappeared. He has an older sister who’s moved a fair distance away. - Daniel thinks of him as a weird mom. Ray considers himself something of a big brother, since he can be a bit of an asshole. - Ray is driven by spite. His hair at the beginning of Bad Seeds is the fluffy mullet he has, influenced by other guitarists cuz he’s a nerd, but when he meets his ex again and his ex tells him his hair looks cute, he gets an undercut immediately after. 

STAINED is a project I used to be passionate about but honestly, it’s kind of abandoned. It had something to do with tattoos and corrupt hierarchical systems and someone unknowingly supporting the status quo before learning how fucked up and inhumane it is and trying to change the way the world works. I think I was reading a lot of dystopian things that influenced my ideas. Some of the characters from this project will probably be redesigned and put somewhere else but this project itself is kinda dead to me.

ALSO, ITS GONNA BE JARRING HOW SHORT THINGS GET FROM HERE ON like, the rest of these characters are not as developed/ I don’t care about them enough anymore to try to adapt their personalities elsewhere criessss

Marz was what I considered one of the most complex characters at one point. Bare bones, he goes from being sheltered but curious to really vindictive and dark following his best friend/lover being martyred. At the moment though, he’s very much a blank slate and, even though he was the main character, a lot of the initiative and plot was driven by his lover. I... literally have very little to say about Marz anymore IM SORRY MARZ, I LOVED YOU ONCE MABY ILL LOVE YOU AGAIN.

Stone is a happy dude. He was in the same universe as Marz, working on the outskirts of the city palace town, dealing black market potions and magic in a shop he inherited from Iris (who is dead in that universe - probably another reason i don’t like Marz’s story anymore). In his current canon, he still works at a shop dealing in occult things, but alongside Iris. Prior to their meeting, Stone was a very proper, uptight man, overly concerned with etiquette and very polite. However, he was also really tired of denying what he enjoys (he is bisexual and more feminine than his posh family find acceptable). One day, he decides to explore the grimier parts of the city and ends up cornered in an alley cuz pretty boy doesn’t think ahead that walking around looking clean and expensive in a sketchy part of town will get him into trouble.

Thankfully though, he’s saved by Iris and, to repay her, he works at her shop. Stone is a quick learner and finds his niche in the dark arts that Iris teaches him. He’s happiest when he can sneak over and help and, eventually, stops going home. He and Iris are in a relationship but they’re not exactly monogamous; Iris loves him but also knows that he’s bi and has been sheltered his entire life. She wants him to be able to explore his interests and not feel restricted by his attachment to her, especially since she’s had so much more time to love and be loved. So essentially, an open relationship.

Stone is laboured with a lot of learned prejudice and a concept of tradition that Iris helps him identify, understand, and either overcome or work on in the means of becoming less toxic. He finds Iris fascinating and loves to learn from her, both about the occult and about himself (because most of the time, he feels like she knows him more than he does himself).

EXTRA RANDOM FACTS ABOUT STONE - After a few years of working with and knowing Iris, Stone accidentally blinds himself trying to make a difficult potion. This is the version of him I draw the most. Before the accident, his eye colour was hazel. - Eventually, he and Iris get married. - Following the accident, he’s immortal. Nowadays, I focus on him during his days with Iris, but in the past I focused on his life after her death as he becomes slightly deranged. She grows quite old and dies of natural causes and he tends to pretend that she didn’t, keeping her skeleton around and lovingly talking about his wife with his customers.

Iris is a very ambitious woman. She doesn’t have much of a history at this moment, but she runs her own business, fends for herself, and has developed some very powerful connections. People that know about her but don’t know her personally tend to call her a witch and a sorceress and sometimes she plays it up to scare kids away from the dangerous area that she’s located. She’s intelligent and very down to earth, growing an indoor garden with plenty of plants that have magical properties. 

She can be brash and spontaneous sometimes though. She’s had some close calls with death by picking the wrong fights and mixing the wrong ingredients while experimenting. She mellows out a bit when she has Stone to focus on, but she can disappear for weeks on end with only a last minute notice for him to take care of the shop while she runs her errand. There are a couple of times that she lets him tag along but he’s really not in his element with fast action and near death stunts so he stops asking and just wishes for her safety.

MISC is OCs that I’ve always had but have never really settled into their own world. I honestly have tons like this oh man. But these three are ones that show up a lot.

Cinnamon and Chowder are two gay gals I started drawing way back. They’re both alien pop stars who came to earth and no one knows they’re actually aliens. Cinnamon is much shyer than Chowder, self conscious of her height and general... everything, but Chowder is super supportive and smitten and protective. Cinnamon is an alien from a planet where her entire species “identifies” as male; its a toxic, hyper masculine planet and, when she met Chowder, her entire world kind of expanded and she decided to escape with her somewhere that they wouldn’t be found. They found earth and made their place in the fashion and music industry. 

I drew a comic for class once, where Cinnamon tells Chowder that she feels ugly, but like, she knows she doesn’t look ugly, but she feels the anxiety like an itch and can’t get over it. And Chowder’s like “Oh! Like a Kiwi right? See, they’re all fuzzy and brown and probably feel ugly? But look at how nice and bright and lovely they are inside!” and then they eat a kiwi together PFFF yea that’s the extent of how much development I’ve put into them.

Liko is my baby. He is a chinchilla hybrid human and was created purely for self indulgent things. His personality for the most part is mischievous and absolutely hates clothing. For how much I draw him, he is embarrassingly underdeveloped as a character. I began to think of him as a splicing experiment that escapes from a lab somewhere but not super deeply... Honestly, his purpose is art trades, requests, and commissions. He’s the only oc I usually ask for art of because I like his design haaah

AND YEA THOSE ARE MY BELOVED OCS i honestly love you if you read through all this or even a little, please talk to me about your own ocs !!! I’m more than happy to do OC art trades and bounce world talks anytime !!

[violetemerald]

I've Been Crying For ~95 Hours, Now...

This preview of my post has been cross-posted from my WordPress blog:

https://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2017/12/01/ive-been-crying-for-95-hours-now/

And the full post is over there, please read it. You won’t be able to read the whole post on tumblr.

Hi everyone. Where do I begin?? And how am I supposed to tag this freaking post...? *Sigh*. I am... beyond emotionally drained as this week sorta starts to come to a close.  Please read down to the end if you care about understanding the extreme grief and trauma I've been going through since Monday.

[Huge Content Notes for: Murder, Suicide, Domestic Violence, Grief... um let me know if I need to add something else in here.]

I basically want to laugh (darkly) because The Asexual Agenda's Question of the Week this week is all about keeping secrets and well... In the past few days especially and into this blog post I'm braving writing now, I'm going to make it so there are basically ZERO secrets anymore in my life, in the sense of no separation of my real life identity and my online persona. I've been doing it slowly but surely for a little while now, and while even now I'd still rather not write my full name on my blog here so that people Googling my first and last name don't as easily find where I write about "not masturbating" or "trying sex and being averse" or whatever, just in case for my next job... of course that precaution might still not really be enough though. But basically I'm going to tell you all my first and last name now.

So, without further ado: I've been volunteering with Recovering from Religion as a non-profit internet-based organization since February 2015 when their "The Hotline Project" first launched. (It has more recently been renamed Recovering from Religion's "Helpline".) I have been in many roles as a volunteer there - Call Agent, Chat/IM Agent, Mentor, Supervisor, Moderator of a Helpline Community when they started the communities, and, most notably, since we published our first episode on Friday May 6th 2016, I've been a co-host of Recovering from Religion's podcast.

2 months ago today, I even mentioned in my bio which you can read at the end of this that I was both a co-host of the Recovering from Religion podcast and that I blog under the username luvtheheaven at WordPress. :P

William Scott Smith, who preferred to go by his middle name Scott, starting about 7 months later than me in September 2015, has been in every single one of those roles too, and he's been one of my very best friends for most of that time. 2 years of my life I've known him... Pretty darn well for an "internet friend".

Read more here: https://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2017/12/01/ive-been-crying-for-95-hours-now/#more-6634

[lostherlemons]

BIG gay post about how my girlfriend i came to be: laura version

i wanna make my own post like that but i don’t know if i could properly convey everything because oftentimes words can’t really do my experience justice. but like. that made me relive everything from my point of you and i can very tangibly feel affection and happiness bubbling up within the depths of my stomach and i gotta spill it out. i just gotta.

for those of you that didn’t know me beforehand bc you followed me from robin or just generally followed me sometime in the last half year or so, my relationship before robin was very very bad. the entire thing was kind of a giant guilt trip where i got emotionally manipulated for months until I succumbed to dating the guy (and being sexual with him when i Was Not Ready) and it was often miserable- but due to the toxic nature of the situation and my inability to assert myself in a way that he could take seriously, the relationship lasted for a pretty long time and took me a good 7 months to finally break up with him. I’ll leave it at that because it’s not the focus and explaining it isn’t a fun experience.

I’m hesitant to start the story like this because it seems so negative but like. It’s important for the context because the aftermath of what he put me through lasted a long time. we broke up probably exactly a year ago but i was reeling and recovering for a very long time and it made me very bitter towards romance in general and very much a skeptic (which robin turned right back around). but anyway. now for the happy part!

robin and i met, as they said, on their 18th birthday at a lgbt ice cream social. my very first distinct memory is of robin being part of the group i was talking to at the time and in a very cute moment, got me to guess what age they were. i guessed 20+ and was wrong and robin was very pleased that they came off so mature to me. we generally stuck together after that through the event (after sharing Tumblrs and such), which i didn’t think much of at the time because I was in the prior relationship still and i was just having a good time with my friends!! eventually we decided to ditch the place and hang out at friends apartment but robin was very new to the Bellingham scene and wasn’t sure about taking the bus and stuff and got left behind. I felt very bad because I was driving everyone and could have easily transported robin without the bus and such. I agonized over it for a long time!! It was very silly of me but I spent a lot of time wishing we could have hung out more than just that night.

We of course had a long period of just being Silently Supportive mutuals and never got to hang out. I remember them staying in school over the summer and wanting VERY BADLY to hang out but not being sure how to go about it because I’m awkward and didn’t know Rob that well. Over the summer we ended up interacting, and low-key commenting and stuff, and it was good. At a certain point I remember thinking Robin was cute. Immediately after this realization I kinda figured out I was in for a shitshow in crush town.

I spent most of September with a big huge growing crush. Every time robin even POSTED a selfie I got so excited! They were so cute!!! At a certain point I was aware of my crush and COULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Every time robin even liked my post I would gush about it nonstop to @funkadacious and you can ask him because I would never shut up and stop sending him their cute selfies. Somewhere in the midst of all this, in an interaction during robin’s fai blogging, i reassured them that they were pretty and robin IMMEDIATELY AND SHOCKINGLY admitted they thought i was hot upon first meeting me and i lost my shit, died, and descended unto gay heaven all while continuing to flirt back and forth for a bit.

I could not believe it. ROBIN. THE ONE I COULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT. THOUGHT I WAS HOT AND WAS FLIRTING WITH ME. WHAT. AM I DREAMING. WHAT IS HAPPENING. you can imagine.

when school started in late september, i posted a few VERY INTENTIONALLY FLATTERING AND CUTE SELFIES, literally only so that i could passively grab more attention from robin. who reblogged them and made me feel very nice.

now, when my year-long depressive episode got to a bad spot in october, robin surprised me by offering to hang out because I probably needed someone to talk to. I of course said yes (all while gushing to nick, casey, all my classmates in theatre class, and literally any coworker that would listen including my poor boss who still hears this all the time) and spent the next few days in a giddy excitement until meeting robin for coffee after my theatre class.

i was dizzy upon seeing them sitting at that last table in the cafe. this was real and robin was there, VERY CUTE and in person for the first time in over a year, and they were waiting for me. ME. WHAT. i got a coffee and a pastry to share and sat down.

We talked for hours and hours and hours. About art, school, growing up, mental health, everything. I remembered how robin talked fast when they were excited and thought it was adorable. Eventually the sun started to set and it reflected in their eyes and I literally had to pause the conversation to admit I could not stop staring at how beautiful they were. Eventually my mom called me and i didn’t have the nerve to tell her I was getting coffee with my crush but eventually she hung up and soon after the dreaded question popped up.

“So. Im kinda wondering. Is this a… uh.. a date? Or like a friend thing? Or both..? I’m just curious, anything is fine.”

“Oh! UH. IT… CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE…..”

“Okay! It’s a date then.”

Cue me dying. At the end of said date, robin asked if a hug was ok (right after I made the best pun of my life about kissing) and it was VERY okay and I clung for dear life and it was wonderful.

The weekend after this, I was traveling internationally during what was hyped up to be a VERY BIG STORM to get up to canada for @limes-and-kiwis birthday. I was told by many Not to go, but I’m a stubborn fuck. Robin texted me and was VERY FLIRTATIOUS when I was on my way up saying I had to stay safe! For our second date!! And this text made me so excited I literally had to stop by my work on my way up and show the text to my manager and I was dead!!!!

i of course made it safely and had a wonderful time with casey. Me, being gay, at one point had to go through robin’s selfie tag to show Casey, and I passed her my phone. Immediately after i had the realization that my best friend was an untrustworthy wingman and I was a dead man. I of course get my phone back with EVERY SELFIE OF ROBINS FOR THE LAST YEAR, LIKED, and of course casey is extremely proud of herself and smug as all hell. Me, being mortified, of course had to send a very embarrassing “IT WASN’T ME STALKING THROUGH YOUR PHOTOS I CAN EXPLAIN” message to robin over snapchat, which opened a new can of worms and was a cue for MUCH MUCH MORE FLIRTING.

we of course went on a second date after I got back, and also ran into eachother at the grocery store a few days later which I gave robin a ride home from and got a kiss on the cheek. I was grinning for hours afterwards and my boss made fun of me.

eventually at the party with robin’s friends, I flirted A LOT and we were very affectionate and at one point a friend said we very very cute and asked how long we had been dating. We looked at eachother and I was like “ok so this is official? We’re gfs?? Yeah?” And robin agreed and we were OFFICIAL. GFS. THE ONES YOU KNOW AND LOVE. and the rest of the night was very very good and cuddly and I was the happiest I had been in a while.

the relationship really only got better and better from there. Robin is SO supportive and so loving and smart and I adore them so so much. They make me feel safe and appreciated and I can only hope I do the same. Robin touched on A Lot in their post and described things better than I ever could but like. It’s true. Everything is just… better.

robin’s February Thing was also accompanied by Laura’s February Thing, and so we both had very bad brains at the time and being silly, had a hard time reaching out. But the next day when I found out what was going on, I had a moment of clarity. Sure I was terrified of reaching out, and being rejected, or having a fight, but I realized I couldn’t risk losing what I have with robin. It’s grown to be everything to me and i knew I had to see them no matter what and I did and it was so healing and good and I’ll never regret just marching across campus to their dorm.

but anyway. This got long. Basically I’m very much in love and will never shut up about it. @flovvright is the light of my life and every moment I spend with robin is perfect. Because we fit so perfectly together and it’s just… It’s good. It’s real good. I never thought I’d be at this point and it constantly amazes me. I don’t know what else to say but rest assured there’s a lot left unsaid and I just want my girlfriend to know how much they mean the absolute world to me and how they just consistently make my life a better life no matter how hard things get.

[my-nameless-bliss]

i know i wanted alec to be able to cry on the show but jfc it was too much! im too emotional about it!

Okay anon I am never going to emotionally recover from the amount of crying we’ve seen from these boys, and the utter blessing that is Shadowhunter’s treatment of male emotions.

But Alec breaking down in the last episode outdid literally all of my expectations. Don’t get me wrong, getting to see Magnus and Jace and Alec all cry in the same goddamn scene is unbelievably important. But Alec’s was still my favorite. Because for Jace and Magnus, they were crying because they thought Jace was dead. And like, maybe another piece of media would show men crying in that situation. I know a lot of media still doesn’t let men cry under any circumstances, but seeing someone they love die right in front of them might make the cut in some cases. But Alec got to cry because he got Jace back. That’s unbelievable. He finally got his parabatai back, he finally got to see that he was safe, and he got to completely fucking break down because of it. Let’s be honest, that never happens in media. Two guys dealt with a traumatic separation, and when they were reunited they got to actually cry tears of relief and love and they even hugged. An actual goddamn hug without any of that bullshit bro-backslapping nonsense.

That whole scene was a blessing of men getting to express emotions and love freely and I am never going to get over it. 💜😭💜

[zayadriancas]

Dnc season 3 thoughts warning spoilers ahead also very long and messy

I want to write my thoughts I have so many That was the most amazing season since season 12 in my opinion I don't know where to begin This is probs gonna be out of order because I watched all 10 episodes straight through no break only paused to type a post a few quick things on here •Maya's plot was by far my favorite I could relate to it so much, the suicide attempt was exactly how I attempted to, I didn't OD as badly as Maya but I took a lot that made me feel sick for days. The scenes with her mom especially where she threw the mirror made me cry. I've had so many similar outbursts like that. And feeling like no one was there for her. I understand why people shut her out, Grace was disturbed by the photos and Zig is basically Esmes property (not talking about the kiss but feels like he's not even allowed to talk to Maya because of Esme smh) I'll get to that later but like I've felt like that too like no ones here for me kike I only have one friend and I know he can't always be here for me but I feel like I'm not important to him and he knows I'm suicidal and depressed and I'll tie in what Lola said that I can relate to SO much, "It's like we have pain but we can't talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable" and I think that's how I make people feel and it sucks. Not that Maya really talked about her pain but she felt like no one cared. She even said "I feel like Tristan's there(hospital) because I exist" after bringing up Cam's suicide and Adams death (so glad they added him in there too because I found it weird that Maya was in a band with him and she wasn't at the funeral/bonfire or even mentioned it before) but anyway like idk where I'm going with this Maya's whole plot this season was so relatable and gave me so much tears The fact that she broke her wrists too omg 😭😭😭 but the most disturbing was the roof scene like the writers said it would be, omfg I'm so glad Esme and Zig found her and saved her I'm glad Katie made an appearance I wasn't ever the hugest fan of her but I'm glad she was there for Maya I already said this earlier but I cried when she performed the song she wrote for Zig And omg the way he tickled her was so cute THEY CONTINUE TO MURDER MY SOUL AMD I CANT BELIEVE MAYA KISSED HIM AND he finally learned his lesson to pull away when he has a girlfriend but he couldn't do that when he was with Maya UGHH I already said this but I hate Zig/Esme as a couple. I would even take Zace over this. She's so rude to everyone and I feel bad for her for what happened to her mom it's so fucking sad and I'm glad they finally told us her backstory. But the way she treated Maya, shay(especially shay but I'll get to that later) Miles, and just how she acts towards people in general. Every time Zesme kisses I cringe. I hate how she bumped Maya on purpose. Like Maya probably wasn't even aware Zesme was an official couple she knew back last season they were hanging out but it's not Maya's fault and I'm just so upset for Maya this whole season. I felt all of her pain She looked so gorgeous though I love her hair and her wardrobe this season •I love that they did a period plot. It's so realistic and relatable. I got my period at school before and bled over the back of my pants and didn't notice till way later and no one told me. Just laughed. Esme was such a bitch about it god when will that girl just shut up. Tiny was so sweet to buy Shay tampons but he shouldn't have given them to her in class lol. But I loved Frankie and Shay being there for each other this season and all their conversations. •Hunters plot I thought was gonna be lame but it actually was so funny. "Let's just agree for now that boners are funny" lmao and "we were gonna watch porn" and them all sitting there awkwardly lol •I normally don't like Zoe but I LOVED her this season and I'm so proud of her for being so confident and being open about her sexuality without caring what anyone thinks. Her and Rasha are great together I love them and I also love the Gracevas renewed friendship. ITS SO FUCKING SAD ZOES MOM KICKED HER OUT I HATE THAT BITCH. I'm so glad Grace is letting Zoe stay with her. •Like I said I loved Lola's line about her having pain but not being able to talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable like I said I can relate so much. I hate myself but I didn't hate Lola/Miles I just wish it hadn't been while he was with Tristan. But I did like their friendship a lot. I also love that Yael and Lola became friends. And I'm so glad they went in depth with the abortion plot it's so important and I'm glad everyone supported her. •Graces plot was so sad but IM GLAD SHE GOT A PLOT ABOUT HER ILLNESS and although it showed her friendship with Jonah it was all from her POV and although I suspect feelings (and I actually do ship them quite a bit tbh the scene on the golf course was so cute) it wasn't all about that it was about Grace choosing to take a chance no matter how risky and trying to live life to its fullest and I am so glad she's become the Grace we know and love this season. It made me sad when she blocked Maya's number but I understand why she did it. •Tristan at the end well throughout the whole episodes typing in his computer was so heartbreaking but I'm so glad he is awake and I'm so glad we got to see his mom finally. TBH the play the acting was so forced and had no emotion it made me cringe but I'm glad Miles told Tristan the truth. And Tristan typing into his computer "can we get pizza it's been 6 months since I've had pizza" omg •everyone there for Maya at the hospital in the end was great too even Zoe and Miles im so glad she has support. When zig said "I told her to leave me alone today" reminded me of when he said "I told cam to go away and he did" but I'm so glad everyone knows it's not their fault. I'm so so relieved and glad Maya's gonna make it and that she's gonna be okay. (Physically I mean) I know mentally it's gonna take time but I know she'll make it through this. •I don't care about Fronah but I feel bad for Frankie. What she did was wrong reading his messages but I can tell throughout the whole episodes especially when she told him in the car she wanted a break she was trying to be mature about it, I think aside from the message reading she handled herself fine throughout everything and as always I loved her friendship moments with Lola and Shay. •Miles's speech at the beginning about wanting to take someone's pain away from them and give it to himself made me cry so hard. As always, Esme pissed me off with how she treated him. Like I understand she was upset by the pictures but she should know better than anyone what it's like to go through seeing someone she loves going through pain and Miles was trying to cope in the only way he knew how. I get the pictures were triggering for the class and i get why it was asked to be turned off but to make him feel bad about it idk where im going with this im tired but anyway the whole thing just made me tear up •The whole zig/Esme sex thing and shit and every time they kissed made me wanna barf. Zig looked so hot though throughout this whole season. IM SO GLAD WE FINALLY KNOW WHERE ZIG LIVES AND OMG SAYING HE DOESNT HAVE A Family made me so sad. And like I already mentioned Esmes past shocked me and I feel so terrible for her. •Maya giving grace her ring I wanted to cry. Also when Grace said Maya was a crappy friend made me feel so upset like I get Maya kept bailing on plans but it was clear Maya was going through something. But it was clear Maya felt bad when she found out what grace was going through. Maya looking at the pics in her room made me so sad. I can't wait until she is happy like that again. She deserves so much happiness and love. •also I hope Jonah gets a plot about being in narcotics anonymous next season I'm glad they gave us something about him like we knew he had drug debts before but I thought they'd never bring it up again I'm glad they did even if it was briefly • shiny was adorable even though they kept fighting but they were able to make up which im happy for aside cuz from Zasha and the possibility of Grace/Jonah happening they are the only canon ship I care about. Well not the only one but the only one I believe will make it at this point I honestly thought Zesme would be done by ep 10 but they're still going strong and next season which is the seniors final season Maya will be recovering and Zig seemed to be over her this season and I just feel so sad I wanna have hope for Zaya but I feel like it's pointless. Of course what's most important is Maya is happy and healthy again and if she graduates happy that's all that matters to me. But Zesme being endgame terrifies me. I mean I love that zig and Maya interacted but zig mostly just seemed so wrapped up in Esme now and he had every right to move on but it still breaks my heart 😭😭😭💔💔💔 Anyway though aside from Zesme this season was amazing, totally amazing and had great plots in every episode and I was so hooked and it was definitely the best Next Class season so far. I can't believe all my faves will be leaving next season😭😭. This season was deff in my top 5 1: Season 4 2: Season 7 3: Season 12 4: DNC season 3 5: Season 11 So yeah I can't wait to see gifs of this season lol I wanna gif but I'm too tired. I wanna screencap but I'm so tired. After I sleep maybe. I'm emotionally drained from that amazing season

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🥀🥀🥀An Izzy Martinez Film (There's 4 Parts && Part 4 (Episodes 7, 8, and 9) Coming S00n. "Ate My Sanity;" is a film about Shawna Vandiego (i play mostly all the characters) whos mind has been twisted and turned. Every part of this movie lasts an 1hour or more. The plot changes up a lot. Thid movie is basically a less explicit version of my life. The original name i gave it was "Im Fine,No Light,No Lie" or "IFNLNL" but i changed it but its alresdy set up to be in the original title i gave this movie. Btw TRIGGER WARNING!!! Some of this is not acting xx •Definition of Im Fine, No Light, No Lie __Im Fine: Shawnas acting like shes fine so she can help others. But her life(based on mine) has been hell/trauma/Torture occurring 24/7 since from 2001-2018) x every day its a struggle to stay alive, her "im fines" are obviously lies (to some ppl) __No Light: shawna injured her brain multiple times, Ariel Marquez told her "i look into your eyes and i see nothing, no light, absolutely nothing" shes just a body with no living part of her or "dead inside". __No Lie: Shawna has split personalitys, every single mental illness, and is diahnosex "critically insane/criminally insane" && she tries to fuck the system, but Angelique or "Angel" tells her, you cry, you die. But no crime, no lie___💙 Shawna “Seane/Sean” Vandiego is a girl living life on the positive & sometimes wild side after years and her whole life full of pain, tries to live like it never happened . XxzxX she’s very misunderstood and tries to fool everybody by acting like nothings wrong. Full of life but soon starts to fade away. While Jose Vandiego, her brother tries to help her, (while having an affair with her stepmom., and bullying her 2 death) but she still can’t function x she goes insane. Her mom Erika Vandiego is clueless (she is Extremly deathly physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally abusive) When Shawna starts to act out... people notice but in the wrong way. While popping pills, acting out dangerously, and developing another eating disorder , Shawna makes a turn for the worse...Shawnas deceased father Sean Vandiego tortured her to death. Shawna Vandiego (based on my life) has been thru mostly every traumatic thing there is and experienced mostly everything and done mostly it all and shes had brutally traumatizing explicit and fucked up torture pain and bad experiences since since from 2001-2018, occurring nonstop 24/7, Her alter whilst she raises hell Tyler X Alvaro. She's so fucked up she can't function. Sandra Sanchez (played by me) is a staff at the mental hospital who gets attached to her, Shawna Vandiego caused so much trouble she still doesn't know reality. she finally meets Ariel Joey Marquez/Chavez who revived her after another near death experience, Ariel Joey Marquez is 22 years old (played by me) she was raised with an abusive mother (Elaine Marquez , played by Sasha Pierce) , her dad is deceased and Ariel ends up in a mental hospital, she meets Shawna at an unexpected time, while recovering from drugs, alcohol and mental illnesses (PTSD as well) she finds herself losing control and wants to end it all, While Shawna is in a near death situation , Ariel decides to take her troubled ways to get inside her . Amen. Seane Fiasco Vandiego is 1 of Shawna's Alters, she appears in Episode 7 of Part 4, it shows her life which the plot changes so it can show her life and how she came about. Then Sean Vandiego another one of her alters appears in episode 8. Again changing the plot. 🥀. Shawna Vandiego played by me, Izzy Martinez. Erika Vandiego played by Sasha Pierce , Jose Vandiego played by Markous Swrtes. Renee Rios, Dominic Lopez-Huerta, another patient, gets inside her head and fucks up her life a whole lot.&Jonathan "Richie" Gonzalez played by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, Gladdis Mendoza-Vandiego played by Sasha Pierce, Ariel Joshua Marquez&Angel Manriquez played by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez🥀🥀 All characters movie editing, filming by me. Movie created/owned by me. Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez. [At the end of all the parts of the film, *Part 4/4 Episode 8* there will be the afterstory. It has a total of 20 parts.] [1. Shawnas Episodes, 2. Ariel + Shawna, 3. Tyler X Alvaro Comes 2 The End, 4. Shawnas Clockwork, 5. Ace 2 Fate, 6. Fate 2 Ace, 7. Mania and Shawna Goes Inzane, 8. I’m Fine, 9. No Light, 10. No Lie, 11. I’m Not Fine, 12. I’m Not Light, 13. I’m Not Lie, 14. A Count 2 Oh No’s, 15. A To Z, Shawna, 16. A to Z, Sean, 17. A to Z Seane, 18. Shawna Vandiego, 19. I’m Lie, I’m Light, I’m Fine, 20. Shawna x Endz Under The Law x Goodnight.] Cameos Created And Performed By Me: Alex Chavez, Michael Lopez, Jonathan Mendoza, Sandra Sanchez, Ronnie Rios, Tony Rios, And Adrianna Rios. All in the last part (which I’m working on with Shawna absent and out of the picture.)~Everything Created, Owned, And Made By Me xx🥀🥀🥀🥀

[herbal-positivitea]

hi friends!! 💞

TW: ED mention, self harm mention, depression

As you all know this blog kinda became inactive a few months ago. i’ve since received numerous messages as to why so i figured i would address it now.

put simply,

life happens.

to be specific:

shit happens.

to be EXTRA specific:

eating disorders happen, bad manic episodes happen, self harm happens, and toxic relationships happen.

(TW) in the last 2-4 months I lost approximately 35-40 pounds entirely from purging, got emotionally invested in people who were HORRIBLE for my mental health and struggled immensely with body image issues and self harm relapses (i was previously 6 years clean from self harm) and I coped with all of this by partying my ass off until my grades plummeted, my friends became concerned, and I became isolated. i lost a lot of friends, failed a couple classes and got hurt a lot in the process. Long story short, it’s been a dark time.

I’m still going through it too. i can’t sit here and say everything is perfect when it isn’t. i still have destructive coping mechanisms that i can. not. let. go. of. i still don’t feel very positive most days. a lot of days i don’t really feel much at all. but i’m getting there. i’m in therapy, on antidepressants, and i’m genuinely trying to surround myself with the best people and best environment possible. i’m trying to be as positive and as healthy as can be and that alone is worth it. i want to restart this blog not only to help myself but as well as everyone else who may be feeling the same way as i have been. let’s start recovering my guys, gals and my nb pals ✨

so with that being said:

IM BACK BABEY

(and if there’s any questions you guys still have please feel free to send an anon or dm, i’m more than willing to talk as always 🌞)