#im the only one in my family who doesnt have the time or income to get people good gifts consistently :')

[phopollo]

Yo!!

I'd really like to encourage y'all to check out my Etsy shop! (This is a link, feel free to click it or share it)

There's not much in it right now, but!

I'd really appreciate if y'all could make a purchase or two!

My siblings birthday is soon, and Chanukah is also approaching, and I,,, don't have the money to buy everyone decent gifts rn, especially not decent ones,,,

So I'd really really appreciate if anyone would give me some business so I could work towards that!!

(Also! If anyone has any ideas for merch you'd like to see-- any kind of merch, character, general thing-- please share your idea with me in some way! Through reblog, dming me, in my ask box, whatever you're most comfortable with! I'd really like to know what people want so I can successfully expand my shop!)

[narwhalandchill]

spicy take incoming but i kinda wish ppl werent so desperately attached to and protective of this moniker of Great Big Brother 100% Perfect So True And Real when it comes to childe bc honestly. he really isnt (perfect or even that good at times) and to me acknowledging the ways both he and his family (for enabling him) are in some ways kinda just. doing teucer incredibly dirty in the long term but only with the best of intentions in the short term is so much more interesting than just pretending hes a flawless brother?? like it only adds to the drama and irony of it all man like theyre rly so dysfunctional as a family unit its great. even if hoyos likely never exploring that shit in its true depth it still lives rent free in my head for sure lol

like. you rly dont have to turn ajax into some sort of unfeeling uncaring monster of a shit brother to acknowledge that he does, in fact, repeatedly make incredibly reckless and selfish choices during his SQ with teucer and in general by choosing to obstruct the truth of who he is from lil bro so completely?

like this stuff can be nuanced and coexist with his absolutely 100% genuine commitment to protecting teucers bubble of a worldview (and w the theme of childlike dreams and wishes being so prevalent in general who knows what could be cooking w that one in particular) and his loyalty and love for his family without just having to whitewash the dumb shit he does lmao

like just bc hes capable of and willing to face the potentially grave repercussions of absolute bangers (🙄🙄) like teaching an actual fucking child to consider ruin machines fun besties and 100% insta ready to fuck himself up by protecting teucer at the cost of aggravating his still-unhealed injuries from the liyue AQ when dottores abandoned lab turns out to be more lively than expected doesnt. make that choice not a very irresponsible one yall im begging 💀

like. hes the adult here . the entire situation unfolding as dangerously as it does in the factory is Absolutely all on HIM for not being able and/or willing to disappoint teucer by just . Doing the mature thing and sending him away to safety because HES gotten too attached to this idea of being his lil siblings' loyal knight and perfect brother that Always finds a way to surpass the expectations no matter the cost its a role HE wants to keep playing despite the risk

like its So obviously a pride thing for him too and thats so fucking interesting because Of how flawed and questionable the logic is!! like yes he truly cares about teucer and ensuring he has a great unforgettable time during this impromptu escapade in liyue like thats not up to debate but the point im trying to make is that the choices he makes are Still very much intertwined with his ego and overconfidence and not really based all that much on Whats Actually The Best Approach Here. he improvises a way to give teucer the best mr cyclops outing he has ever seen bc HE wants to be the one offering him that experience and ends up biting off a bit more than he can chew and he can only blame himself for that one and This Isnt Fucking Sustainable

like i dont think that makes him evil but i do think it showcases his arrogance and flaws in a very concrete way and is a part of why calling him a perfect brother or at least one without an asterix just. rubs me off wrong lmao

like idk feel free to keep calling him that if its important to u and all if u want idc (and i do to some extent get why this defensive narrative of insisting hes great no issues at all emerged bc i remember 1.1 some ppl acting like hes childcare satan for how he treats teucer lol) but. at least like . Be willing to chip in to fund the therapy teucers going to need for those lifelong trust issues in the future man 💀

Bc Thats The Other Thing. now tonia and anthon i dont consider a part of this bc at least they Know hes in the fatui and hiding the gory details of ur harbinger job from ur baby sibs is like. fair enough and reasonable. but. crafting an Entire different AU version of yourself and feeding it to your baby brother as what constitutes actual reality surely is a choice of all times like ajax ily but genuinely . What the fuck if you were real id throttle you

AND HIS FAMILY ENABLING IT THE ENTIRE TIME ITS CRAZY LIKE. As a person with multiple siblings both older n younger with some similar age gap cohorts involved. God id snitch so fucking fast i dont think ppl rly stop and think much abt how objectively horrifying this shit is from teucers long term pov 😭 in the best way obviously given its fiction like its so scrumptiously awful and dysfunctional .

(& just in general man im just so obsessed with the way ajax 14 basically broke the eggshell of his past life and emerged to rise towards his destiny drowned in the guts and gore of the place and people and community he once called home unconditionally. Bro he fucked that town UP and now his family relations will never ever be the same its so fucking Delicious. those 3 days missing and what followed are just Actually a literal fucking horror movie when you stop blindly stanning our ginger menace, forget ajax' side and take the pov of his family and morepesok in general Why Are People Not Talking About This)

like. its not that i dont understand Why this is sth childe ended up doing as i said Thats The Point. its human. teucer is the only one in the family who wasnt there during that fateful 3 days/months . Like yea anthon and tonia were prolly sheltered from most of the carnage back then too but they still Know where he was sent when he became literally uncontrollable and almost killed the neighbors (everybody & their mom loves demonizing his parents as if his demon spawn ass left them a fucking choice JFEJSJSJSKDKS) . like its at least Known.

but then theres teucer.

And like. teucers the Only one with whom ajax can even pretend to have that delusion (ha) of normalcy and a family that hasnt seen him gaze into the abyss and stare back bloodied and grinning ear to ear . like. hes the only shot childe can have at even playacting some crude imitation of normalcy before Everything and even That comes with an expiration date hes fully aware of. so theres just lies after lies after lies and the fact that even his family just. if not actively partaking in the charade then at least silently allows the entirety of it to happen to teucer whos the Only fucking one out of the loop is just..... dude its not fair on him At All

Misleading teucer THIS much is just. its fucking horrible man but i GET it. thats why its so delicious man i GET it but god its just . imagine being teucer in this situation.... thats his entire fucking World shattered once the truth comes out. Everyone close to him has been lying to him his entire time. They all knew and they let him be misled. Like sure he might be happier Now with ajax dutifully protecting that childhood dream of his but after that. Just. sit on this for a bit. after everything do we Really think teucers just going to understand why it came to be and see it as worth it???? Will he really????

yet at the same time as awfully cruel it all is its just So human!!!!! Its so human of both ajax and his family to use the innocence of the only child that was spared the aftermath of worlds best/worst 3 month abyss training camp to indulge in this flawed false reality where their third son didnt walk into the void and come back hungry for More until only the fatui could take him and even then it only spurred him on further on that path. Like its all an act and a lie and its just. Not fucking fair on teucer but hes still doing it and theyre letting him even tho they Know it wont last theyre all looking teucer in the eye every day and letting him believe like man....

like in both the entire ruin factory sequence And in general hiding the truth from teucer as extensively as childe does hes being incredibly selfish but at the same time its selfishness only rly in the way all people are when it comes to Wanting to be seen a certain way by the ones they love and care about. and thats what makes it so interesting. bc as much as the choices he makes are dubious (or like. this decision makes sense to him. a morally bisexual total omnivore ethics-wise narwhalpilled since 14 who sees exclusively in abyss shrimp colors and acts accordingly) both they and the motivations behind them are also just. So very human ones . as terrible as the implications and eventual inevitable downfall of those choices can (will) be.

like. is it not that much more fascinating to consider all the ways that childe is neither a particularly exemplary nor an egregiously bad brother just one that. Happens to be wired weird in the head and proud and flawed and with a track record of heavily suspect decision-making but that also very much genuinely loves his family man. Like i can love that about him without dismissing the fact that theres parts to how hes treating teucer that 100% can and imo rly should backfire horrifically bc. It really just is that fucked up

hes not a good brother hes Worse AMD better than that and also not alone in this like. his family is an active fucking part of this . But like still . Is he trying his best with his abyss shrimp colored vision ? Yes. Is his love genuine? Absolutely. What are the marks? 3/10 meet me in the office after class mister youre just actually horrible (affectionate) 😭

A perfect brother? Not My Ajax man 🗣🗣 and like theres SO MUCH to explore in that it makes me so sad you just. Never see any of it p much in fanworks bc we all just call him best bro and whatever and thats that like its so sad. this family is terrible horrible awful and no good and they deserve it but also didnt deserve it it was misfortune it was fate it was inevitable . justice for teucer man i need to get him in therapy asap

[mullettaegi]

incoming: another fucking voltron rant because i watched a langst edit and now i wanna cry😭😭

they did not take time. they did not slow that show down for a little bit. especially for lance. cause he did not getting a fucking moment to find himself again after he FUCKING DIED. we saw him homesick, we saw him missing his family, we saw him insecure about his position on the team, we saw him insecure about himself, but we never actually saw him go anywhere else but being sad. he really did get barely any character development.

and tbh i feel like in a way just all the characters didnt have a moment to slow down. and i know, i know, its a kids show, its about fucking robots for fucks sake, theyre in the middle of a war. which, yeah. youre right. but there couldve been so much more, for him, for all of them. what about them? as people, with feelings. where are there emotions. why is it only sadness and happiness and not the enitre confusing spectrum of emotion between. does pidge not feel lost after she finds her brother? yeah, hes back, but i bet she didnt imagine she would be fighting an intergalactic war, and now matt is too. she imagined family dinner, brother barging into her room, dad making corny jokes, house happier and full of life.

hunks family was put in a fucking work camp. he had seen this across the galaxy, zarkons army imprisoning people, making them work, killing them. did he imagine that for earth ? did he imagine that for his family? how the fuck did he cope fighting a war, anxious as he is? how did he cope at all?

shiro isnt even in his fucking original body. thats fucking weird. im not saying that in a rude way bc like yeah, organ transplants are a thing irl, and a major life saving thing they are ! but like, how odd it must be to have someone elses kidney or heart in your body. nevermind to have your entire soul and conciousness put into another body, you but not really you.

keiths life,,, dude probably just doesnt even give anything a second fucking thought anymore. but like, could they not have shown him showing some more emotion. fair enough if he doesnt always cry in the moment but rather late on, but you'd think seeing allura die, they wouldve at least put some tears in his eyes. he had fucking no one before he had voltron. only shiro, and even then he was alone for so long when shiro had been on his mission. you cant tell me he didnt want to think of voltron as his family. they bonded :(

and lance, gosh lance. i feel like, if we looks at this as it is, lance would be the character that people think back on and go "oh yeah, he helped me accept my emotions, he helped me become the best version of me and gain confidence in who i am". in the fandom hes seen as someone with big emotions that he wears on his sleeve, but also someone who will put everyone else and their needs before himself.

he's a story of self-sacrifice, quite literally. he's the story of sincere love, of casual admiration. he's the story of the most wonderful friend, of loyalty, of no, I'll step down because there's a cause bigger than me, and im not the one for the job when there's people like my friends and you on the team.

and no one wanted to explore that? no one wanted to see him do more than just, what? flirt and literally die and fall in love and barely find his place on team voltron? that was it for him. it shouldn't have been, but it was.

[intertexts]

EPISODE 21 TRIVIA:

- bizly, introing the episode: "welcome to just rolled with it where we answer our generations greatest question: will dakota cole break the law?"

- grizzly: "no, you know what? i think the final villain of prime defenders is william fucking wisp! i think youre playing out a villain backstory and youre going to snap and go batshit crazy" < hehehehehehehehe

- charlie: "i dont think its a secret that william is FOR SURE the most likely to become a villain out of the three of us. i dont see it as a permanent final thing but i definitely think it could happen at some point. i think he would have like a red x teen titans arc" WAHOO

- charlie CURRENTLY has no plans to do this he and bizly have never even discussed it. however he thinks its a possibility. "im playing this kid who is VERY smart and has a lot of ideas, but keeps getting shut down by basically everyone and i think hes starting to get a little desperate"

- they start talking about how when charlie plays william he gets "the Chip Brain" which is a reference to how in riptide bizly makes the most WILD NONSENSE decisions and then afterwards goes "i dont know why i did that i was just so in character and i felt like thats what he would do in the moment. out of character i agree that was fucking stupid why did i do that" << so. charlie gets this playing william too LMAO

- HEY UH. FUCKED UP SENTENCE INCOMING !!! "william has literally seen what happens after you die. thats knowledge that almost NOBODY else in this world has. and i think it makes him values life... less. hes seen that theres more after, hes seen that people kind of stick around, i think life to him is a lot more fragile and messy and less black-and-white, killing or not killing. it doesnt hold the same weight. becoming sort of apathetic and desensitized to the concept of death" << THIS IS AWESOMEEEEE FOR ME

- grizzly says hes glad william and vyncent didnt try to break the doctor out of prison like they thought they would because he genuinely wouldnt know how to play that as dakota

- charlie: "william has gotten so protective of dakota that if in his mind there was ANY chance that his friend would die all because of this guy being in jail over false charges, if that was the direction the conversation was going, william actually right then and there wouldve gotten him out. he couldnt have accepted that a situation like that would lead to losing his friend"

- grizzly: "iiiiii would like to sayyyy. bizly. will i still kick absolute ass if i dont have strength and speed, or will I just be some kind of loser" << bizly says maybe but he wpuld have to play dakota as more of a Regular Guy and just have him train at martial arts really hard

- DISCUSSING A TRAINING ARC AGAIN !!!!! which they think would be fun but they dont want to do another timeskip. (<<me who has future knowledge and knows how they figure this out: :3c)

- one of the biggest reasons keeping grizzly from agreeing to break the doctor out now is because hes really afraid he'll be super bitter against the family and augment himself to have some sort of powers and become a supervillain. and he thinks something like that happening would absolutely CRUSH dakota to a point where he wouldnt know how he would come back from that

- bizly had a real time epiphany, everyone was quiet for a minute and he just went "oh my god. i know exactly how this is gonna work. pick anything you want, i got this. i have a way to make everything work"

- grizzly has NO idea which option hes gonna choose, but he thinks hes leaning toward dakota getting a normal heart and just training really hard at martial arts. charlie and condi are saying that theyre really interested to see dakota before he goes and trains because theyve never seen him *weak* before

- grizzly: "if you ever call dakota stupid in character again ill cry"

charlie: "i mean i only did that because he was putting himself in danger! i think william heard him say shit like 'its cool. its okay ive got two years' and i think he just got genuinely really upset at that. william would rather keep his friend alive than spare his feelings"

- "if william ever did become a supervillain he would *never* hurt dakota" (<< WAUGH)

- charlie was gonna ask the doctor about williams whole decaying thing but decided not to because it didnt feel right in the moment. bizly goes "i mean you already know who you need to talk to about that" to which charlie goes NOOOOOOOOOO bc he is implying. mal

- charlie: "william doesnt wanna talk to mal he pisses him off"

grizzly: "why, because its like looking in a mirror?"

condi and bizly at the same time: "ooooooohhhhhhh"

- grizzly: "god this decision is so fucking hard i feel like i need an adult- OH MY GOD can we go see tide. can i not make my decision and instead we just go see tide"

- condi: "vyncent doesnt really know how to feel about this choice. he wants dakota to be powerful because he knows those powers are really important to him but he also doesnt want his friend to fucking die!"

- GRIZZLY IS TALKING ABOUT THE DEMON HE ATE AGAIN AND BIZLY GOT SO FRUSTRATED THAT HE ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED WILLIAM STUFF:::: "i dont think the demon works how you think it works, its not PHYSICALLY in your stomach it doesnt have a physical form you CANNOT digest it !!!! in this whole campaign, no spirit has been able to wander out and influence the physical world, thats why william is so special as a planeswalker! he is a spirit that has a physical form, he can affect the real world and also be in the spirit world without a guide!"

- theyre discussing the morality of the blake family and grizzly genuinely doesnt know if dakota could process something like this where its sooooo deeply in the grey area, dakota is very black and white he doesnt think he can even understand that right now

SUCH GOOOOD FUCKING TRIVIA THIS EP DUDE!!!!!!! thank u for the foooood. fuck yes a little bowl of seeds for me.

WIWI VILLAIN ARC. PLEASE. PLEASE. YEAH. honestly at this point i know it's going to happen, i just don't know when n how. not even from ur ominous giggling it just feels SO clear to me that he is a guy who can be so desperate and do anything for the people he loves and i... give him One situation where he doesn't have his very fragile support system of two other extremely fucked up teens and their absent dad who he just doesn't wanna disappoint!!! give him one fucking situation where he's separated from them and scared and there's some threat and you fucking KNOW he's going to be Up To Some Shit. i'd bet real money on both the villain or at least morally grey conflict arc AND that general setup being the catalyst.

god. literally all of this stuff is SOOO good i'm fucking LOCKED ON to the other wiwi planeswalker shit-- that's basically what i was thinking? when the planeswalker thing had come up before? but. tasty... before i started 22 my assumption here was then that the decay situation was like. a subconscious... choiiiice? i guess? like. you know. he perceived himself as dead and his body began to reflect that & then he looked more dead so he got more dead etc etc vicious cycle. but. now i'm not sure??????? ALSO. that thing ab his thoughts on death are so fucking tasty. so so good holy shit. makes sense!! makes sense!! there's less gravity to death when it's just a place you can go, there's less gravity to killing when it's not permanent-ending, just shifting someone from one place to another. like, y'know, when u were a kid, and there was someplace u never went very often & so u thought it was Special and Important & then u grew up and figured out it wasn't actually Special and Important and an Occasion to go there, your mom just hated the parking situation or it was a bit too far for a car ride w/ little kids. that's what death is like to william wisp!! head in hands. not even gonna touch on mal rn!!!

anyway. ghostkicksisms................

[azumasoroshi]

minidura chapter 9 react

COLOR PAGE????

COLOR PAGE!!!!

since when did shinra have blue eyes though

actually i just looked up images of him but what fucking color are those?? blue?? gray?? brown??

shinra is benedict cumberbatch i guess

also shinra beating izaya at cards (and especially poker) is hilarious i need more of that

shinra please tell shizaya to kiss. do it for me

THIS IS SO CUTE AHHHHHHHHH

shizuo and izaya agreeing with each other when it comes to preventing shinra from straight up killing them lets go!!!! plus shizuo asking if shinra cheated because izaya lost ashdkgjsdkjghdssd

izaya totally cheated and still lost he's so pathetic <33333

the way he says "then" after that though like. he was actually considering dissection and money laundering PFFF

yes eat lunch together i promise it wont go horribly wrong

they've really never done this in canon though?? maybe i just read too much fanfiction about it

oh i guess they definitely havent done it before 😭

maybe this is a start. maybe they do it every day after this

izaya's cat face is so cute rhfhrgjhhjgh

only shizuo and izaya would be so baffled at the idea of eating lunch together help

like if these were ANY other people they'd be like oh sure why not! not these losers

watch the entire chapter just be them stalling help

THEY FINISH EACH OTHERS SENTENCES!! married couple behavior fr fr (<-delusional)

they havent argued once in this chapter yet so im taking everything i can get ok

the only things that will get shizaya to be on the same wavelength are eating simon's food and being afraid of shinra

THEY'RE SO CUTE!! the holy trio of malewives

i choose to believe that was both of them saying 'shinra shut up'

meals for the family man because they're going to start a family together (<-delusional but like. more than usual)

i sense a food fight incoming

oh yeah this is going on my twitter banner

cant believe we have two whole chapters of shizaya cooking together in the minidura manga. out of ten chapters. probably representative of how the mangaka was cooking fr

SOMEONE REPLACE THIS WITH THE GAY GAY HOMOSEXUAL GAY MEME RIGHT NOW

izaya would be the one out of the two of them to make moe anime girl noises (my entire friend group)

honestly how has shinra not gone insane from dealing with these two for the entirety of high school

scratch that he is insane my bad

it's like herding cats, not because they keep going in opposite directions, but because they keep fighting

of course they disagree on food tastes too. someone's leaving this kitchen with a broken spine

ive just stopped screenshotting and started posting entire pages because everything is gold

"are you that confident in your tongue" i bet you ten bucks that i could find that line in a shizaya smut fanfiction in less than 20 minutes

at least shinra's having fun

married couple behavior for sure. who doesnt bicker while cooking together

oops

shizuo would be good at cooking if izaya wasn't provoking him 😭maybe. idk the milk drinker genes might hinder him actually

for a moment there i thought they were going to have no food at all bgkjgsjsgdk

izaya and shizuo look so cute in the back thoughhhh look at themmm

shinra. shinra why would you say that they're going to kill each other. shinra. SHINRA

oh nvm i guess they were too tired to argue 😭being in forced proximity for this long is literally harder than chasing each other

wait whats that psychology term for it again. group. something. group goal SUBORDINATE GOAL thats it. a goal given to two opposing groups that forces them to cooperate and will usually eventually make them like each other more (it has never worked for shizaya. see the simon chapter) (also excuse the psychology terminology i have my final test in a month or so and this is the only way i can force myself to study)

so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeee

shinra sitting between them pfft

izaya's cat face actually kills me every time

either the food is amazing or the food is dogshit and i dont know which one would be funnier

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

ok thats better than either of those options

this chapter has literally just been shizuo and izaya Going Through It

"everyone should get along like me and celty" is he saying shizaya should date. yes he is because i said so

also izaya moving even further away from shinra LMFAO he'd rather be in hitting range of shizuo than have to deal with shinra's celty shpeal

there's so many good reaction pictures with shizaya this chapter ill definitely be cutting them out to make into a banner at some point

im convinced this serves as a precious memory for both of them even if they dont realize it >:)

99999/10 chapter i enjoyed every second of it

[chronic-creation]

Tw vent: abandonment, adoption, child abuse mentions, domestic violence mentions

I spent my whole life until the past two years being abused by my whole family, multiple partners, and friends. My bio father attempted to kill me and my bio mother and brothers, my bio mother abandoned me and let my bio fathers sister adopt me and then kidnapped me back only to give me back to them and then they abused me viciously for years.

Eventually they kicked me out and i moved in with my bio mother and she let me down. I moved in with my boyfriend but was homeless for a few months and finally got a place but he started getting violent and verbally abusive and eventually physically abusive but i stayed with him for five years.

My mom says she loves me but she never replies to my texts unless i text her multiple times, she refuses to get me a ticket to see her even thought shes knows im a disabled student and dont have any form of income other than fafsa and she invites me to her wedding knowing i dont have money to get there or a place to stay when i go. She didnt even offer to let me stay with her. She forgot my birthday and doesnt even text me on holidays and hasnt sent a gift in years.

She doesnt ask about school or how i am and when i set up a facetime with her for her to meet a little in our system, Kay, she “forgot” and ghosted me for weeks.

I dont have parents. I dont have a family. I dont have anyone who loves me unconditionally. I have a best friend who cares about me but i cant trust that one day they wont get sick of me because everyone in my life always does. All my parents have abandoned me.

I dont understand why. I dont understand what i did wrong. Doesnt everyone deserve loving parents? I didnt do anything horrible i just smoked weed and struggled with mental health issues but i just needed someone to help me. To care. To get me the help i needed. And no one did. I had to figure everything in my life out ALONE.

Im on my own and its terrifying. I dont want to be alone.

[pensiveabstraction]

omg omg omg big brain moment, jetko highway robbery au

zuko, young (and until recently estranged) heir to a significant estate is on his way home (think the return to the fire nation of book 3). his carriage has to stop in the road through the forest bc there's a tree across it. there are no guards (bc his father does not care for his safety), the only other person is the driver of the carriage. cue the band of strange children dropping from the trees in the surrounding area and demanding his valuables. zuko doesnt know what to think, until the eldest and apparent leader of the gang notices his swords and goads him - weirdly flirtatiously - into a one-on-one swordfight. zuko is so annoyed, confused and flustered by the other boy that he accepts. to steal a brilliant proverb, he is so busy fighting that he cannot see his own ship has set sail; by the time he defeats the other boy, the forest-children have made off with the entire contents of the carriage, literally all of his travelgear and the driver of the carriage has long since decided this isn't worth it, taken one of the horses and left. zuko is left to glare at the boy - who apparently had a pistol this entire time why did he even bother swordfighting me?? - as he leaves smugly with the gun pointed at zuko til hes out of sight, untie the other horse from the ransacked carriage and make the rest of the way on his own.

months later when zuko is kicked out to fend for himself for opposing his father's cruel treatment of his employees and corrupt business practices (particularly worker safety negligence leading to deaths and making rent in the area very steep which led to dozens of families being left without income, without homes), he ends up going to the forest, hoping to remember the way back to the village he and uncle were staying at, even if he doesn't think his uncle will want to see him.

jet finds this mysterious grubby kid in the forest, wandering directionlessly and tries to adopt him into the freedom fighters (aka his merry band of fellow orphans he taught to steal bc he didnt know how else to provide for them, as a fellow kid himself). zuko is like seriously bruh u robbed me why are u tryna get me in ur gang? jet then remembers him. jet usually makes a point to try and rob ppl who seem like they could do without the stuff, so when he - unknown to zuko - comes to the incorrect conclusion that zuko is alone, hungry, seemingly homeless and destitute because of him, he feels guilty and insists the other boy at least join them for dinner at least (also hes still pretty how is someone this pretty when they're so filthy, like srsly bro even the band of feral forest-kids bathe regularly).

zuko, having very lacking independent survival skills takes him up on his offer and, annoyed by the other boy's continuous needling, goading and teasing (flirting? no couldnt be) takes on a competitive determination to be the best highway robber ever, joining his gang. cue adorable found family moments with the fighters as zuko wonders how such terrifying feral children could be this adorable, jet and zuko committing crimes in the middle of flirting/arguing/??? (the ppl they steal from are pretty insulted that they're so easy to beat that these two - are they literal children? - seem to not even need to pay attention to them) and funny awkward moments like that one time where they attack a carriage only to discover it's ty lee's and zuko is like ".... oh hey ty lee..... um, give me all your money?" and ty lee, unphased by the robbery attempt, is like "zuko! we thought you went missing! how are things? you seem to be doing nice for yourself!, your aura has never been pinker! ooh you should bring your new friends to mine to visit some time, it feels like forever since we got to hang out!" *chiblocks literally all of the freedom fighters and shouts back waving as the carriage is leaving* "lovely seeing you! im on the way to visit azula, but you should come say hi when im on my way back!" (jet is like "what the fuck" and zukos like "yeah thats just ty lee for ya.")

idk i was reminiscing on my history gcse, the crime and punishment module and i thought about highway robbery and i was like wait this neeeeeeds to be a jetko au somehow and lo and behold my brain has spoken

[donnietheterrapin]

Splintskirt lore

this will probably be edited and added onto a LOT

its also very disorganized so you can read as many or few paragraphs you want in whatever order

CW for mentions of death and seizure, as well as general themes of prejuduce

So the kraang dropped mutagen bombs on Earth a few decades ago (60-ish years). It was a series of mutagen bombs similar to those in the mutant apocalypse but a LOT smaller. Like instead of the whole world, it was parts of cities being glossed in mutagen ooze, causing people to mutate and evacuate.

This mutagen was cleaned up pretty quickly, and stored in facilities around the world, that way nobody could get all the mutagen in bulk, and scientists could experiment and work on anti-mutagen. Of course, capitalism, so the anti-mutagen is super expensive. This means that only the richest mutants can get their hands on it, which means Splinter cannot.

Mutants are fairly normalized, but there is a lot of prejudice against them for being "different", "feral", etc. They are part of society, but they are highly underprivileged and not on a level playing field in work and school scenarios.

Splinter is a descendant of a rat mutant. (Yes this means im retconning my lore but stay with me here it makes more sense to me this way). He had a long-time girlfriend named Tang Shen, who was a turtle mutant. She had 4 kids from a previous marriage, all being turtles with a bit of human dna sprinkled in. She dieded though. Tang shen was already struggling with health issues, but she died from a seizure that caused a heart attack. thankfully the turtles were way too young to remember their mother's death, but it struck splinter HARD. Now, he had to support a family of 5 on one income, deal with the traumatic death of his girlfriend (basically wife), AND navigate his children's lives with them being mutants and just children in general.

Splinter met Kirby O'neil after their mail kept getting mixed up. Soon after tang shen's passing, kirby stepped up as the kid's uncle in a way. He is the embodiment of "he's confused but he's got the spirit!" because he is supportive of splinter, even if he doesnt understand everything. This is how the turtles also met april :> in splintskirt, mutants are known of. They are a huge minority in society instead of a secret from the world. They can do everything normal people can do, they just get a lot of hate for no goddamn reason.

Splinter is genderqueer. He uses he/she/they pronouns. He still has her turtle kids, but they are raised in a small apartment complex's basement rather than the sewers.

Splinter gets his money by working as a dish cleaner for a nearby pizza restaurant, but he also gets money by visiting clubs and seducing drunken people, and pickpocketing them. It never goes any farther than kissing, as Splinter is not interested in that. Splinter is demi-aro-ace, and just uses kissing people as a distraction. This is the main reason Splinter is so interested in skirts and dresses. Soon after the turtles were in his care and Splinter was desperate for money (which they were already struggling with), splinter realized that he got more money at clubs if people thought he was a girl. Her appearance is pretty androgynous other than her beard, so he shaved it off and started wearing skirts and dresses to clubs to seem more feminine. This kickstarted a gender crisis, and now Splinter is genderqueer.

Splintskirt's timeline takes place pretty early in the turtle's life. They are about 10-13 years old, so too young to be on their own, but still old enough to have decently developed personalities.

The biggest change is that none of them are ninjas. Splinter is still Asian, and the turtles were raised with cultural influence no doubt, but they have no need to learn how to fight, as the kraang and shredder are not huge plot points. Its more of a realistic setting imo, where shredder is like a mega toxic clingy ex-friend instead of a murder machine

[roseybunlucy]

I have so much to say about every single one of these guys! Below i'll comment on my s/o, the runner up, who I thought I would originally marry and our kid names!

This template was made by pinkcatflower and if you'd like to give it a try too, here's the link!

https://at.tumblr.com/pinkcatflower/newly-updated-fill-in-the-blank-story-of-seasons/2c1q2b17sfh5

Harvest Moon DS Cute

Commentary- I never actually played this game. I asked for it but my brother got me "Harvest Moon DS" instead, but SKYE is the reason I started playing harvest moon! When I was little I was trying to find games where I could marry and start a family. I found skye and I was swooning instantly! Now that I'm older, im too scared to buy and play the game because what if my fantasy of the guy who started my love of the series doesnt come close to who he actually is?

Harvest Moon : Sunshine Islands

Commentary- THIS was my first harvest moon game! As for Will, I cant remember exactly why I chose him since it was so long ago. Maybe I thought he was cute, I didnt like the other candidates or that I thought marrying him would help my income on the farm (Which it didnt!) But it doesnt change the fact that he'll always have a special place in my heart for being my first Harvest moon husband! I still do think he's a cutie to this day.

Who I thought i would marry - Pierre! I was on the road to him until Will came at the last minute! Lol

Child name- Maulina. I remember before the kid was born, i named my cow malina and i liked the name but i didnt want to name my child after a cow so i spelled it differently. I also remember seeing a "leak" of the child portraits, with will's kid having blonde hair and blue eyes and I thought the name was fitting for that design. I later found out that was not infact an official leak 😅

Harvest Moon : A New Beginning

Commentary - I had no patience to wait for all the bachelors to show up in this game so I regretfully rushed and married the first person that came, Neil. I was never a fan of his tsundere personality but his nervous face did make me smile after the marriage every now and then.

Who I thought I would marry/ Runner up - I remember dating allen in this game but I thought his personality was so horrible after a while I deleted the save file. I do wish I had took the time to get to know Sanjay. Thinking back on it, I couldve possibly liked him if I had talked to hime more.

Child name- I think it was Sage but im not 100% sure...

Story of Seasons

Commentary- My FAVORITE game of the series with my most FAVORITE bachelor! Mistel! His personality got me immediately! I was always caught off guard by him and blushing. Needless to say he's my number 1. With Nadi an extremely close runner up! I actually chose the picture of him that made me like him. The first time I ever saw that smirk, I had an instant crush.

Child name- Surprisingly I never married! It came out when I was in high school and I got too busy but I do sorta remember the names I was going to use! There was 4 names in total since this game gives you twins but I only remember "Drossel and Verona". I guess the art design made me feel like these names were fitting for this game. I also remember wanting to give Nadi's kids a plant based name.

Story of Seasons : Trio of Towns

Commentary- I liked Inari's ears and im a sucker for white hair. Other than that, I just wasnt a fan of any of the other bachelors

Runner up- If Inari didnt exist then I would had chosen Hinata, I like positive energetic characters.

Child name- Kana, After my child in Fire emblem Fates

Story of Seasons : Friends of Mineral Town

Commentary - Kai! I LOVE Kai! I hate putting my favorites in competitions with eachother but Kai is DEFINITELY in my top 3. He's so charming, smooth, funny and charismatic! How could I NOT like him? He's made me blush a few times too. Not to mention we both have the same favorite food!

Runner up- If Kai never showed up, I probably would have gone after Cliff, It made me sad that he came with no family, I wanted to help him go from nothing to a new found expanding family!

Child name- No child name! I got too busy with school again to marry him sadly! Plus I never thought of a name for our future kids.

Story of Seasons : Pioneers of Olive Town

Commentary- Not too much to say here. I liked Jack's normal personality, his events were cute AND he's not too bad looking himself. I never finished the game far enough to marry him.

Runner up- Ralph. I had a hard time deciding between the two. Ralph's events were pretty cute plus I liked his personality.

Rune Factory 4

Commentary- Doug! I didnt expect to like him but I was so caught off guard the first time I saw his introduction! I was like "Woah! Whos that!" He had instantly piqued my interest after that!

Runner up- I remember I had accidentally asked Dylas out in one of my other files. I had no interest in him but seeing that he liked me made me see him differently. I also had another file where I had planned dating Leon but I lost interest in that

Who I thought I would end up with- Before the game came out I looked at everyones Bio and thought I would fall for Vishnal! His design was cute and his personality seemed nice on paper but once I started playing I lost interest fast lol.

"Harvest Moon" : One World

Commentary - Jamil had the best 1st love event to pull me in. It showed how compassionate and caring he is and has to be one of my favorite events I've seen. It had me thinking about him hard enough to leave an impression on me!

Runner up- Sami. I did marry him but Jamil stole my heart.

Who I thought I would marry- Everyone except Braden

Girls

Harvest Moon DS

Commentary- Muffy is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS! And has such a cute personality! I could never understand how she had romance troubles. If she were real I'd snatch her up in a heartbeat! As for Leia, Her sweet pwrsonality and cute looks got me too. Sadly, all my hard work went in vain as my save file corrupted and I was never able to marry in the game.

Harvest Moon : Sunshine Islands

Commentary- I never really had a thing for Lily, she was more of an "If I had to choose" option because I find her pretty.

Harvest Moon : A New Beginning

Commentary- I feel like If I could, I could write a whole essay about Tina. Im surprised that she's so underrated when she literally started my awakening! Everything about her is so perfect! She made me realize Im a sucker for short hair and her peppy outlook on life and energy made me feel so refreshed. Infact the first thing she ever told me that made my heart flutter was "Let's seize the day!" and she had the cutest little smile. For some reason that moment was a core memory. I just think she's best girl. I started a new save file just for her and Ive never done that before!

Child name- We never married but I had planned on naming our daughter "Tharja" for some reason.

Rune Factory 4

Commentary- Xiao Pai is just cute! I think I liked her mom more though lol.

"Harvest Moon" : One World

Commentary- Malika is just pretty and I think her personality is neat. I feel like she teases alot.

[angstics]

i don’t mean to catastrophize but i’ve felt that there’s something off about this leg so far. obvi the band sounds excellent & the ppl who go to shows are having a good time but i feel like theyre not having as much fun as they were on the other tours :( i guess it was the hiatus and the feeling of not knowing what comes after this but i’d hate for them to feel like this isn’t fun for them anymore

it's healthy to acknowledge your feelings so always do. but also know that a LOT of assumptions come into play here that influence both how you feel and how the band appears to feel. have you noticed there's a lot less videos and photos circulating this leg? especially of the guys who arent gerard. i follow the same people i did last leg -- the other guys were on my dash for more often then. amount and intensity get muddled up. like seeing less of your friends feels like it means theyre unhappy. also, how someone looks on stage doesnt reflect their mental state. people they care about passed away last year, but they still looked so happy around us. smiling slightly less on stage doesnt mean bad things are happening behind the scenes. just means theyre smiling slightly less. there are no hints here. it's not a murder mystery. it's just guys playing shows. and theyre obviously giving it everything. if im gonna put my speculative glasses on (knowing full well i know Nothing about them), theyre probably tired after doing 60+ shows in 6 months. they probably miss their families. they probably have other projects theyre itching to get to. maybe theyre stressed about taxes. lots of extra income! maybe it truly is just the lack of physical evidence. dont know.

reading all that, you know ive thought about this too. i acknowledge that i feel this way then i also acknowledge that im just afraid. fear lies. fear isnt the truth. i do not know the truth. they are the only people who can offer me the truth, and even that may not be the truth. THEREFORE the only truth that matters is the reality i perceive. if i can prove my reality is real, then that's my truth. so i treat these shows as the last thing they'll do lol. not because it's true but that's the reality that brings ME less anxiety. a known ending is less scary than an unknown future. this is one area in life i can choose the known.

that post about the Explosion was a way for me to understand the change i perceive in a good way. and i do think it's good. the happiness, passion, love, ENERGY is still so present. guess this is the actual marriage phase were the novelty of being in love fades. you just gotta keep loving. if you want to.

i tend to philosophize. also helps with anxiety. i hope this was helpful

[iknowyouliedbane]

The Story & Legend of Lord Banegrivm aka Rogueknight

Banegrivm's Discord is Banegrivm#3328 or banegrivm#3328

The Fist is his guild.Say you met him on WOW Emerald Dreams, say you noticed his lovely his armour or something. This bloke won't know what hit em.

Here kitty kitty Pumpkin where are you little mans...I heard him say in over voice chat once a long time ago. Must have cats working his magic for him.

He has been attacking me through the ether. Nothing he has stated online or otherwise, has been made a secret. He habitually blasts his personal business in chat on Emerald Dreams on a regular basis, if you are in his guild. Which I am. I am right here within his ranks. Ive seen people come, ive seen people go. Ive heard about all the victims he ruined mentally/emotionally/ etc and never gets justice served to him for his crimes. He thinks he is s leader, but he is more like the police. He is not good at being the leader is this guild, and here on discord, I have seen it all.

He vapes weed out the side dorr of his place in Mechanicsburg, PA, upper floor, he is behind 2 security doors. He sleeps during the day like a vampire. I know this because ive been stalking him for years. Im in Wisconsin but sometimes go to Pennsylvania for skiing at the family cabin, so yeah I made a pass to verify that he lives there, even though way out the way! But anyways, just to see if what I found lonline as public information, was true, which he does live there. But I dont care, I just forgot the address and moved on, but I know that he is in hiding and has no income, makes everyone here in the guild pay his way, pay for the game subscription, his stuff is all charity for him, he is not on disablility not going there, but anyways he has no income becasue he begs ofr help from me and others, and im sick of it. Now that I know that truth, i feel bad for him. Kind of, but not really, he could get a job and leave his abusvie mom who looks over his shoulder the whole time, he even made her a moderator and its creepy, sometimes I think he is living vicariously through her, like she isnt doing it, she isnt emailing harrassing emails to his rejectors, (all me again), fake accounts) and I think he is living in insanity. He doesnt have an identity anymore, he lost that when he 'lost face" with society, and now an outcast, so he lives in issolation. He dreams of taking us all to court, he said to us, that all the people who stalked him online should pay, yet, he was the only one abusing anyone. Im wise enough to know that, yet here I am, a part of his dark sick twisted circus. He has no idea he added me as a member to The Fist, and then he met Vinnchzzk or " whoever the hell that is".., after "she" left the guild I realized he had no idea that "she" was a HE. He thinks Vinn is the first version of "her" he has met. Vinn is a guy!!!!! Its a big fat joke on him!!!!! He fell for it, she isnt even a real person. April had the charactor online from a guild in another state, and her photos were used but its not actually her, she has nothing to do with the discord, guild, cuild chat, WOW, EverQuest, etc etc etc. She only was in a couple of our D&D sessions, and that whole youtube thing went nowhere fast, The Dept of Dread on youtube playing a Ravenloft campaign in 2021ish?)

He thinks he met the real girl on social media, but "she" met him from EverQuest, a long ass time ago children. Im in my 40s, so that is telling you something, I was just a kid, Ive known his ways for years now. Banegrivm, whoever this charctor is, also goes by Reverend Bob on the Ravenloft game, he narrates and does a fine job and everything, but make another person do the DMing, and he takes all the credit, we are all talking about that, and I have a lot of respect for Bane but I wont say that everything he has done is okay, its just not cool to be honest. I wont usehis real name here so i can avoid defamtion lawsuit, he is waiting for someone to do so. But I can vent myself about a fictional charactor, from a guild that im a part of, but have had not official introduction to any of these people if known for 20 years, im not even sure they are who they are anymore.

I met him online years ago, before WOW. Ive been following this for years, and he will keep yelling at him mom and threatening her if she doesnt cast spells on the women who reject him online. I think he gives her sexual favors to read tarot and give him answers. I dont actually know but that is what another tarot reader told me about them. But I have made fake accounts for him to fall victim too, like the hunter becomes the hunted, he fell victim to my collosal web, spun with love and hate, just for him. Nothing more powerful can come about than that which comes from the heart, and the heart of an earth angel is what he tried to crush with his corrupted roots of rotting hatred and scorn. He is the bane to everything that could be magical or beautiful, or innocent. He is a corruption that is is hiding with his mother, the author of the book the Throne of Piddle, he proclaimed this. Ever since the Circle of Corriander or whatever the fuck it was called, he has made me SICK.

There is an existing post from someone who knew him from the same place and they mentioned barfing or something, so < im not alone. Plus I have heard and seen the screenshots of countless professions of love then turn around and hex the same person to dust. He is a real warlock. He attacks you with his mind and searches you with the email you use for things, dud. He is not that smart. He thinks he duped his victims and the protectors of his victims, by lying about someone making a title of Banegrivm and posing as him doing illegal shit then saying Oh! That wasnt me - they made a fake handle or whatever he would say with his lack of tact. I have nothing against him personally but the fact that he constantly lies in his various online functions pisses me off to no end. Yeah, he definitely was guilty of that long convo witht he person posing as a teen, even though he fell for that bait...He tried to say online that he was innocent and has a problem even being around children because he is afraid of being a monster in other people's eyes, avoiding judgement either way if he is guilty of child-grooming or not, he is still in hiding and hiding his drug habit from his own mother, she is his narcissistic supply, and between her and his grandmother who he claimed raised him, he publically says he is special, and this si how these women raised him to think of himself, as better than other, since his father and soon thereafter stepfather abandoned his mother, (gee I wonder why that would be, maybe she was crazy and couldnt get away from her mother, generations of insanity and narcissism)

Im the kind that keeps freaks monsters and the like up on my wall. Sure I had to add him, to get in his circle, but its all part of the hunt. The hunt for the truth.

So yeah its not great looking for whoever wants to judge me go ahead but i know that as long as he keeps looking up these tumblr pages with his name, he will know that we know ;)

[jomnki]

horrible dream that lasted three days about

-an incoming apocalypse i wanted to get ready for by getting gardening books from the library (???) and desperately asking my mom to walk my dog in the direction of the library but she was incredibly resistant to it

-somehow becoming a target to twin anime girl serial killers because we all collectively saw them do a crime so we had to stay inside but for some reason no one was taking me seriously and we all went to a park.

-said park visit ending in my brother and dog going missing and me running around trying to find them. found my brother but was very anxious about my dog so i left him and kept looking. only to black out and wake up in the convenience store under my dad's chinese restaurant. my dog waddles in and i grab him. theres a video of the anime serial killer girls messing around with the victims of the killing we were witness to. i watch a bit of it before customers start coming in.

-for some reason im aware that there should be other workers but one of the anime serial killers walk in and i lock myself in the freezer with my dog for five minutes until my social anxiety about leaving customers without a cashier kicks in and so i go upstairs to the restaurant

-i learn at the restaurant that another family and my brother's remains were found by the police and somehow that im in an alternate universe where i could prevent this from happening by going with the serial killer anime girls to find them.

-i go downstairs and suck up to the anime girl. she has the personality of toga from mha but a bit more subdued. she already knows who i am and i am a hostage now. she gives me tictacs because i am a good suck up. the other anime girl serial killer is colder. she doesnt fully trust me but i am a hostage that they have to bring along with. i am given and shown the video i mentioned earlier. ots on youtube. the playback says ive already watched a bit of it but thankfully she doesn't notice. its raining outside.

-we start and suddenly it's a fucking firstperson hitman like video game where we go from a train to a cowboy town to a minigame where we have to jump over incoming bulls through a dangling lasso and i die and respawn multiple times.

-one time i become the third anime girl serial killer (but only in disguise) with a bright yellow wig which gets me spotted immediately during our sprint away heist so i had to jump into a river, rip off my wig and for some reason the wig is the only "illegal item" i have on me so i shove it underneath my shirt. the other two anime girls are stacked in a trrenchcoat like a fake adult. they have grown attached to me. i start to feel affection for them. i steal a vest from a sheriff npc who acts as the save point before the bull jumping minigame but i fail the minigame so it didn't matter.

-i watch more of the hostage video at some point, it shows them encouraging a hostage girl to do a backflip and she's crying. but she does it and she starts laughing. i think this is the point in the arc where im supposed to be like ohh theyre not so bad but they literally killed my brother and terrorised my family in another timeline.

-i wake up. not in real life but i wake up in the dream in a house ive never lived in but ive dreamt of many times. it has the secret kiddy cube in the closet that leads to a serious of colourful padded rooms (not dissimilar to a play zoo). it has the broken clock on the cabinet where i keep my trinkets and pokemon cards (in this universe i have a lo t) it has the spiral staircase and big living room windows and the dread of someone always coming to get me.

-i actually think im awake for real. i realize the serial killer anime girls don't actually like me in this reality and while i get up in the dark early 6am morning to turn on the wifi i am afraid for my life. my family is still asleep. but they're alive

-i find my sister's room (an iteration of it where she has a king sized mattress that we share even though its her room??) and contemplate laying down. but i dont. i peek into my mom's room where my brother is sharing the bed with her. i go back to my room, anxiety spiking and lay back down on my bed. the room i return to is eerily similar in layout to my actual real room (Which i register in the dream as a previous room in a previous house we moved out of), despite me at the time only recognising it as a coincidence.

-i actually wake up for real and the anxiety fades because the apocalypse isnt happening and no anime girls or government agents are trying to kill me. massive whiplash that what i just experienced wasnt reality.

[hangonhanginthere]

mega rant incoming

i feel like im behind all my friends in terms of maturity. ive always been told i was mature and like put together but am i really? i feel like because of this ive been led by other peoples voices and guidance without really creating a path for myself. i dont know where im going with life. all my friends have goals and ambitions that are just so bright it could blidn you. they have reasons to backup their plans and real passion for the things they do. i dont have any passion. all i have is love thats just kind of warm and fuzzy. it doesnt serve much purpose but its there. but also i dont think i distribute my love emough. i keep it to myself because i think i need it kore. but the keeping of love to myself is making less space for my passion. i dont think ive ever been passionate in my life. i think i need to experience more out of life instead of staying cooped up in my room but now it all feels too late because i have to study for school and plan out my future. all the years leading up to this were supposed to be utikised and maximized to its full potential but ive wasted all of it scrolling on my phone and interacting with people online that i will never meet or have some real personal connection with that i couldve had with people in real life. i dont know where im going with this rant either. its all over the place.

i cant stick to one topic because my mind goes into overdrive and bounces off topics all over and it just spills out onto this page. i am incapable to writing a personal essay because i cannot do inflection or have any sort of vulnerability. i feel scared. what if i dont have a future. all my teachers and friends and family theyre all counting on me because im the brightest star of the school. what if reaching too high just makes me fall down more height? is it really worth the effort if i fail? am i learning more about myself, yes, but what im really feeling is how much therapy would benefit me. here i am typing words into a tumblr blog. who even uses tumblr anymore? only fandoms probably. so no one will see this but i guess ill remain on the records of the internet forever. anonymously.

so anyways i really should have used my time better and i regret everything i did because i didnt put enough effort into them that they would leave an impact on me or someone else. i dont feel, i think. and thats the problem.

[greeds]

hey!! how have you been lately?? what groceries have you been loving?? what songs speak to your soul lately???? i hope you’ve been well rested and full of laughter lately!! i loooooove you 💛

HIII WHO IS THIS ACTUALLY IT DOESNT CHANGE HOW I FEEL [CRUSHES U IN BONEBREAKING HUG]

groceries have been diabolically expensive in kkkanada so its a bit hard to fully enjoy even if im not the one paying for them usually LOL (L + ratio + no income until september + zero savings + cant drive + living with family. im gods favorite freeloader) THAT SAID i have been known to enjoy a cheddar cheese sandwich from time to time....! oh and eating so many cucumbers ily cucumber salad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fresh summer cucumbers my beloved....wish we had a garden this year alas twas not meant to be

LISTEN TO SPELLS FROM THE DRUNKEN SIRENS BY ORANGE BLOSSOM

ive been doing a lil bit better compared to a couple months ago, idk what changed honestly ig i just needed some time to process my many failings as a human being smfkskkfkskcnjd oh tomorrow i start a 6 week wheel throwing class at my studio that i havent been to in march 😭 this class is open only to studio members so its gonna be really nice taking that trip to see familiar faces and also finally touch some beautiful wet clay. god its been so long

i will be starting hrt on august 28 which is so far but considering i have been wanting this since i was 14 it is actually so close....GENDER WILL BE MINE

how are YOU i hope the summer/winter has been kind to you in turn....ily thank u for this message and thank u for reading all these words ajkdkskfkk ♥️

[soulfullionbunny]

1 year of Hijrah to be a better man.

it was all because of this girl who i used to date. exactly 1 year today in hijrah calendar, i promised to change my way. 3 days after getting dumped on sunday 16 july 2023, and motivated to change myself on wednesday 19 july 2023. aku kena buang bcs im not a good man. at that time i see myself as someone who is emotionally unavailable, x de masa depan, undiagnosed mental issues, and most importantly, aku jauh dari agama. well 1 year has passed (in hijri) and i changed. not much but enough to say i changed. i change bcs i cant change the pass but i know my future self would wish present me did something. and something i did.

i am closer to my deen. solat wajib yg aku ye x ye buat dah full. al quran yg dulu aku hafal a mere 5 surah now has become 23 (target full juz amma but i overestimate my brain). i also managed my finance. before i would just save my money for my future on basic accounts, now i diversify it into multiple investment accounts so not only i had my money work for me but time also became my ally. financially i am somewhat independent, better than last year. at least i am mid M40 by myself (borderline B40 dgn anak orang) but that is not what I promised my future wife. had to stop part time when it started affecting my health, so if i need to supplement my income, i need a skill base gig instead of hard labour.

emotionally, cant say much but i did develop more sense of it. now i can explain what i feel and why i feel. the improvement is more on self awareness rather than the expressions. one of the reason i was dump is my expression of emotions. there is nothing wrong with my expression bcs i do and did express it. its just i dont do it to people bcs i know how taxing it is. i am not someone who is emotional now but i used to when i was a teenager. repressed childhood anger and abuse plus hormones are not a good combo. as a result i am more mellow now. sbb penat jadi emo ni. penat reacting base on emosi. but its my fault jugak sbb not reacting AT ALL. well im not reacting jugak sekarang but i do bila ada orang. there are no bad emotions, only unsuitable ones. other than expressions i am also emotionally abusive. manipulating for sexual stuff and not supporting her when she is heartbroken. i cannot test my manipulation bcs i did it for sexual favour and afaik i only did it to her. sexual favour before marriage is supposed to be fixed by my deen so we will had to see la how i do (if she accept me back la (we know she wont)). emotoanlly absent is also hard to judge. i need her for me to test it. so far with my family and friends aku invested je. not sure kalau aku ok x dgn dia, my theory is i might not. mainly bcs she is not like evyone else in my mind. she is the closest to me so everything hers is affecting me on personal level. so her emotional state will affect me and if i dont mabage it well, the energy consumption gonna be unsustainable. hopefully, i can manage it with her. emphasized on manage and her.

Mental health diagnosis. i have mild autism, ADHD, and C-PTSD. the required constant checkup... and its not fixable so i still had it... at least im controlling it right?? hahaha mamat defective.

i changed but im not sure if im enough for her again. 1 year i promised but it felt short. i changed but i didnt feel different. im not a different man, im still me. still the boy that has broken her heart. i dont know even know if "me" is enough for her. i doesnt matter what i did, i will still be me. if she DOESNT want "me" secara GENERAL instead of x nak "me v2023" je, then i was correct. if she want me but not the old me, then good news for her and me, i have what she want. I wonder how she does. did she change? hopefully dia berubah jugak, bcs i still want her...

[mintyvoid]

so i bought and have now recived my anti planner, and while i imagine a bunch of the tools wont do anything- im hoping something helps. And ill try to speak up if anything does.

For some context i suppose if you dont regularly read my depressed rants, i was diagnosised autistic in 2020 but had been in therapy on and off since 2010 for anxiety and depression. I found a majority of resources not helpful or treading over ground ive already done years into- when I started researching 'okay so im autistic what the fuck do i do now, how do i get better'.

(I just keep ranting how shit doesnt seem to want to work for me below)

Most likely cause of all the years ive done work on myself, i am very self aware and quite good at communicating how im feeling. But found that none of the tools I learned helped long term or even enough to better my quality of life(now knowing this was because all those tools help people without a neuro disability, they simply were never going to work).

I've also found that a lot of the resources out there, include this book, are catered towards those with adhd, which while having a lot of simularities to autism- they are not the same. And though I had previously thought i was adhd, im like pretty sure this isnt the case(like in terms of a duo adhd n autism diag). So a lot of the stuff i end up finding /also/ doesn't work.

Though i cant reaally tell if its due to the autism or depression. A good example is the 'trick your brain' angle i see abundantly. To do things like 'set a timer to create a deadline or force panic' or similar time constrainted things simply dont work. I can feel incredible stress to complete something from a deadline or disappointed friend or angry manager and it do little to nothing to motivate me to do the actual thing. If i dont want to do something(or even if i want to do something but my brain for whatever reason doesnt let me), it doesnt happen- concequnce be damned.

I can break tasks into smaller chunks for days, but if i cant get up or move my arm to start said small task then it doesnt really matter does it? The one thing i can do is organize lol, but its the one thing that i see the most as advice- which is totally understandable as its not something taught so a majority would lack the skill. I was really lucky to seek help when i did and to then get actually good advice. It's probs been the only moment where help and support did actually help my quality of life.

Most likely I wont see any improvement in my life till I either go back therapy(actually find someone who can help someone like me, probs needs to be on meds again too) or can afford to create an environment thats supportive of my needs...or more than likely a combo of the two lol. Neither of which i see happening as both need money and i cant work nor get much from my disability program and cant work enough on online stuff to make that my income.

As an aside, i do know that many if not most, have it worse than i do. And i often feel that i simply cant complain about my own situation because im have a loving family that supports me as much as they can, im no where near homelessness, im not bipoc or a trans person, i could technically work but i would only be able to just work(aka id have to give up doing what i ant for a living and went to school for and actually am passionate about, and honestly typical work stresses and sucks so much energy out of me ugh id probs just burn out again n quit). I dont feel i can ask for money or support when there are others i feel need it way more than i do.

And i absolutely hate that what i have isnt enough, and that fact is also why i feel i cant vent. Srry this kinda went off the deep end.