#im worried that I'll change my mind in the future and will feel bad about it tbh

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

I am thinking I might actually use they/them and it/its pronouns along with she/her?? ???? ?????

[youremyheaven]

HEYYYY [insert whatever pet name u like] it's ur venus stellium anon from last month.. do u remember me? sorry life happened 🤩 n i've been pretty low energy so i didn't get around to bothering u. I've been looking at yt vids of some of my chart placements lately and i've discovered something funny (along with other developments like me. I've been looking at ur blog the past one or two days a little and I obvs haven't made my way through the whole "backlog" but some silly thoughts:

I didn't know u were bi! For some reason I felt a little awkward talking about this because I didn't want to be That Person lol (aka everyone was talking about guys and I didn't wanna weird anyone out 😔) but my exes were women 😂 supposedly I gave them daddy energy lmfao I hate it because I wanted that from someone. I talked about them a bit vaguely but it might've sounded worse under the assumption of it being a man. (Unless I didn't say much and just forgot)

I've been reading celebrity gossip and only now realised how people - even the most successful - can have it so truly bad when it comes to romance and idk it made me a little apathetic and allergic to it. Not in a "im swearing off of it" way but in a "im no longer going to expect it in my life. If I get surprised, yay for me. Otherwise eh." (my mind's at a weird place though so it'll probably change when other things calm down, don't worry about me 🫶 this is all about the hypothetical future anyway because I'm not looking for a relationship rn)

Sorry u got hate about ur blog. I can understand anon got upset but the unkind language was uncalled for.

I came across the ask about nodes conjuncting big 3 and one of mine does; i can assure u (and the hate anon) that yes, this particular example (me) DOES happen to be cray cray 😭

This is related to the yt vids and point 2: My charts basically say I'll have an okay enough career, but the romance department would be dodgy because I will never be satisfied by anything anyone does for me (to put it shortly) 😂😂 that had me a little shocked at first but then I was like u know what we kinda knew this.. let's just focus on that career instead LMFAO

HARD AGREE WITH U ON THE FLIRTING IN NON-ENGLISH. I gotta be honest I cringe if I hear flirting in anything other than English (I've only ever been exposed to it in that language) but I read a fic (english) once where this man called his lover "meri jaan" and it had me in a DAZE FOR DAYS (excuse the lame pun pls) SO YES I AGREE W U. I've been collecting other little terms (just 1 so far) that I've seen people around me using affectionately and they're sooo sweet.

I HOPE U'VE BEEN WELLLLLL. I'm away from tumblr lately so I probably won't be able to send u asks in the near future but I hope u stay safe and take care of urself 💖💖 BYEEEEE

HEYYY bbg 🥺

I thought this was going to be astrology related but you're just checking in on me 😭😭😭😭and I feel so touched 🥺🥺🥺

1. About being bisexual

I feel like there are definitely different dynamics at play bc I do attract more butch leaning women who want to be my daddy 🫣🙈 but whenever it's a femme x femme dynamic, I always feel like I become the more dominant one and I do kinda hate it 😭😭

It just wears me out to be the giver tbh 🙃 especially because I already assume that role in so many other areas in my life, I just want to sit back and be babygirled 😭😭 this is why despite being attracted to women , relationships with women don't really work out for me 😭😭

it's all a matter of luck when it comes to love and relationships and sometimes things find us unexpectedly.

what I've learnt from some of my recent experiences is that someone can do all the right things, give you princess treatment and all that yet not make you feel anything 😭 so to be physically attracted to someone, emotionally in- sync with them, AND have a healthy relationship,, it's all down to luck 😭

2. not u calling yourself cray cray 😭😭

majority of people in this world are not living happy lives, be it with regard to love, career or family. To even have one of these things going well is a huge blessing ✨and while it's possible to have all of them, it's okay to not beat yourself up for achieving all 3 in one go.

One of my dad's childhood friends, remained unmarried into her late 40s. This is veryyyy unusual in India and she's not from a bougie artsy family where such things are chill or anything either. She, however, had a brilliant career and is a civil servant and rn she's in a veryyy high ranking position because she's worked her way up. Everybody around her pitied her (for being single and childless) but she was just out there making $$$ by the time she hit her late 40s people stopped pestering her because by that point, it's kinda "too late" to settle down. BUT GUESS WHAT HAPPENED??? she met a reallyyyyy cute Swiss-German man who was visiting our state/city and she happened to be the one showing him around?? (someone linked them up basically) and that wonderful meet-cute led them to marriage in like 2 months lol ,,, this lady who had been single for 47+ years found the right guy and married him in less than 2 months???? Isn't that sooooo romantic??? It's all about timing 💛💛 and now they've been together for a decade and spend most of their year travelling the world ✨and are very much in love

So different eras of our life will have us focusing on different things. Rn it's probably best to make that $$$ and focus on yourself. Love will find you when it needs to 💛✨💛

3. About flirting in non-English

JAJAJSJ yess I used to cringe 😬 hearing Desi flirting across languages 😭but now I feel like I've finally decolonised my mind to find it cute 😭

My ex was Tamil and he used to call me "bomma" which means "doll" in Tamil ,, I had a flop talking stage with another Tamil guy who used to call me "Kitty kutty" ("little kitty") and idk if it's a Tamil guy thing but they go hardddd with their affection through terms of endearment

Flirting in Hindi is always fun bc it's all "aapka this, aapka that" (using honorifics) and respect turns me on i guess lmao 🤭🥵 Idk if this is just a Desi thing but yk how men start calling you madam and ma'am 😌yeah I live for that shit 🤭🤭 they'll be like "madam is still getting ready" and I'll be like 😍yes the hell I am 😍😜

4. Thank you so much for checking in with me angel 🥺🥺 I appreciate it and you soooo much 💛💛💛 you're the sweetest

I'll take care of myself 😜 😌and I hope you do as well!!! 💛💛 May the rest of July be wonderful for you ✨

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warning: anon ask referring to self-harm and relapsing.

last night i relapsed on my self harm streak of about 1 year. feeling so guilty and so shitty. worried my boyfriend and felt so fucking disgusting about that. i hate myself i hate that i did this because it was all for nothing. im just as anxious as i was and feeling even worse bc i left my boyfriend so fucking worried. i havent spoken to him since last night after i told him how sorry i was that im getting him involved in this bs. i know i know i cant expect him to not worry or be scared but i feel so bad that he is doing that in the first place. i hate that im scaring him and i hate that i make him feel like he cant help me. i went off all my socials and told him i need sometime. i want to talk to him about this, i want to not be so impulsive and anxious and i want to not let him be so scared all the time. i hate this i hate it sm. send helpppp

"I'm stuck." "I did all that and I'm still like this." "I haven't changed." "I'm never going to change." "I can't break the cycle." "I fucked up and I can't get away from these thoughts, I worked this hard for this long and somehow I'm still trapped by my demons and one day I might..."

Yeah, I know.

"Lose."

I know you might feel as if you're back to square one, but you're not. Things are different this time. He may not understand why you have closed off like this, but one day he will because you will be able to explain it to him. You at least told him and that was what you were ready for at this time, but at some point in the future, maybe not in this heavy headspace, you will be able to find the words to say what you're going through right now.

You might know this already, but I'll remind you: self-harm is a habit. Habits are hard to break. Sometimes, at just the wrong time, a series of events will hit you in a certain place and shit goes down. It doesn't mean you can't stop it in the future simply because you couldn't stop it this time. It doesn't mean you've weak either for giving in. Look for the stressors and the situations you were in that pushed you over the edge. Think about ways for how to mitigate the impulse in the future. Make it really fucking difficult to get to your self-harm tools. I'm talking annoyingly difficult. If it is too inconvenient when the impulse comes, you're less likely to follow through. But it's been a year, so you might have your own system. Let's refine it more. This is not the end.

It might be someday, but it is not toady and we are going to fight for tomorrow.

It is up to you how you talk about it. I tend to think it's better to speak about it when you have a clear head, but sometimes you need someone there when you're going down. I get that. Just understand that not everyone has encountered or lived this. And even if they have, they might still say the wrong thing because they simply don't know what to say or they end up saying what they would like to hear, but that doesn't mean that is what you want to hear. And sometimes you don't even know what you want to hear. It's a fucking mess. I know.

Despite all that, you want to tell him and I think you should, because he can't understand you unless he has at least a glimpse of what is going on in your head. Please don't put the pressure on him to have the answers. There are no answers anyway. Instead, come to the conversation with ways that he can support you or brainstorm them together. What are the things you want him to say? What can he do to help you get your mind off it? What can he and you do to prevent or lessen the stressors? What are some signs you exhibit when you're especially anxious or impulsive? Are there patterns? Specific days / times / cycles? He will be less scared if he feels more prepared and knows you better.

I hope it doesn't happen in the future, but if it does, you are not shit. You might act shitty sometimes, but not that does not mean all the work you've done so far is for naught. Finding your signs is one of the most important things you can do. Try various solutions. Don't get discouraged if one doesn't work. Trust me, the same solution / distraction / what worked last time will not work every time and that is okay. Humans are changing creatures. We may have patterns but we also have the ability to break the ones we no longer want by reframing how we think about them and changing our mental environment. This is not all you are.

It is part of you but it will not be the end of you.

Trust me. You have already begun the change. You can talk about it and that, in it of itself, means you are not weak. I might be a random, but I'm also not, hm? I'm not a therapist, but I've lived it. Heh, listen to Yoongi. Future's gonna be okay. One day, you'll look back and see how far you've come. It's murky now, but the fog and the clouds will lift. You have the tools to move forward. You can, and will, do this.

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

Hi Jan!! Please read this when you’re ready! And if you have anything to say, I’d be pleased and thankful to see!!

I’m so very sorry to be asking such a random and not so common question… (especially at a time when you’re going through something rough… my condolences to you and your grandma/grandpa, they’re very strong alongside you. For doing their best trying to stay strong possibly with you by their side…) I was just wondering if you have maybe a view or opinion on people adding (I’m not sure if people changing the skin tone of others is bad? Something they don’t need to do? Although I’d never do that myself regardless of the reason…) a race (most likely their fan version of them) to a character that I can perhaps learn from? I'm still quite puzzled about the concept of myself and yeah, I wouldn't necessarily want to do that personally to anyone but I still want to understand if it's wrong to be doing or if it doesn't matter and I should be neutral on it. It seems harmless and supportive (in a way, not just in the DR fandom. Although yeah, I don’t see it a lot as I’ve come across/ seen a user recently (no offense/ Im not trying to be rude or anything!!!) who had their pfp of Ibuki (coincidentally!! My forever love but) but balsian (sprite edit). Now, I’m not at all against it and I thought she still looked very beautiful but, is that okay to be doing is my question? I won’t be doing it still even if it is okay as I’m not interested in doing such personally (I Love characters just the way they are simply put!! So I don’t feel the needed/ want to be doing something like that. And as I’ve seen, some people who do that too them do love them originally as well!) but, I feel out of place with my viewpoint as I don’t even view it necessarily in a bad way…

I’m also so very sorry if you could barely read/ understand my grammar as I don’t have good/ barely decent grammar right now… (I am also going anon for this as I am afraid of being bombarded with ask harassing me, possibly but, you probably might know who I am based on my grammar and damn behavior regardless.)

Hi! I appreciate the consideration, and I absolutely don't mind receiving asks about different fandom related topics right now, as it might even be helpful to take my mind off things sometimes. Of course, this is a long question about a complex topic, so the main reason I have to answer it right now is that otherwise I'll... forget... ... but generally speaking, don't worry about it. If I had to talk about my personal life instead, right now, we'd be there a while OTL

I'm not sure I can give you a satisfying answer, however. I think it's a step in the right direction to ask about it sincerely, and take into consideration other people's appreciations of things you don't relate to. It's important to note, though, that I am Very White, and as such I can't possibly have all, or the best answers. All I can try is to be an ally to the communities impacted by this or that topic by pointing out elements I've been made aware of.

The first thing I'll have to point out is that the awkward phrasing of this question here would be good to rework for your future consideration of the topic:

I was just wondering if you have maybe a view or opinion on people adding a race to a character that I can perhaps learn from?

Though I'm not in the best position to comment on how the word "race" should be used exactly as a non-native English speaker, this strikes me as odd as it implies that people are giving characters a race... because they didn't have one before? I thought from this that maybe your ask would be about Fantasy, but you mentioned Danganronpa, so I think you rather meant "change" or "swap" their races (at least those are the terms I've seen in use).

Unfortunately, this is a little tricky, and I haven't come across a straightforward answer, neither am I in a position to pick one. The characters from Danganronpa, save for a few obvious exceptions (Sonia Nevermind comes to mind) are Japanese. This means that they are not white. For that reason, I have seen Japanese fans mention that they don't appreciate that Japanese characters are being changed by fans in this manner, because they feel as though their ethnicity is being forgotten even by people trying to uplift people of color (poc). This is something with, yet again, a complex answer, as there are indeed fans who conveniently forget the Danganronpa cast isn't white, but there are also fans who do know, respect it, but are choosing to represent the Blasian community with their headcanons. There is also an argument to be made that this is Japanese media, so the majority in this instance is Japanese, and believe it or not, racism also exists in Japan - something I really can't speak on because I have no close experience with any aspect of it.

There are possible other debates to be had about characters with darker skin, who are sometimes read by Western audiences as being black, from ignorance of the fact that there are Japanese (and generally Asian) people who look like this in different regions. But this is again not black and white (ha) as there are very much Blasian communities, who get largely ignored as well - Danganronpa makes very little effort to clarify its characters' origins, so there's not always a reason to confirm either party is right or wrong. (This is of course not mentioning the actual racism exhibited in Danganronpa, which other users can explain much better than I can.) Either way, since you mentioned Ibuki, who has pale skin in canon, this isn't exactly what you were talking about.

tl;dr: like I already said, I'm not in a position to make an accurate judgement. My observations are that it's common, fairly well accepted, and is oftentimes done by reasonable parties. It's important to note that the answer would be completely different if these characters were white in canon; no one is being erased by "raceswapping" in those instances, because white people are privileged and overrepresented. (It goes without saying that the all-too common practice of making a black character white is extremely racist.) Of course, if any of these headcanons/AUs doesn't speak to you, the best thing to do is to scroll past it; regardless of your reason - maybe you see yourself in this character, maybe their design seems accurate to a group they already belong to to you, anything - headcanons, AUs, fanfics and the like are meant to entertain and no one is forced to engage with or enjoy them.

[theyluvlyss]

just saw that u watched atsv, and I've been wanting to rant to somebody about it for so LONG. Im curious about your thoughts on it tho, mind sharing?

𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧...

you've unlocked one of lyssa's mile long tangents. prepare to crumble under my wrath of fangirl-ism. to lie buried beneath the wreckage of my infinite declarations. and to suffocate amongst my many, many convictions /ᐠ○⩊○マ~ !

no, but fr, this may be a lot, so I apologize in advance for the length. however, I'll organize all of my thoughts into cute little sections for you and the others who may read this, if that helps any :).

oh, and short disclaimer, the following is my own opinion. I want to remind y'all not to take whatever I say so seriously/to heart. if you don't like what I have to say/think, then just scroll on and go about your day. no hate needed. and, if you'd like to discuss more in depth, dms are always open (I love to talk😻).

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𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 :

I give the movie a solid 8.5/10. the only reason it's not a full 9-10/10 is because of two things;

a.) the pacing was crazy, like, it kind of overstimulated me? not in a bad way, exactly, but it definitely made it hard for me to focus while being slung through, like, ten different emotions every ten seconds. so much so, that when the movie ended, I felt nothing💀 (I was mad/hype/in my feels later, ofc) but like... after everythingggg, I felt very numb and needed a second longer than usual to recollect.

b.) everyone needed to take several high dose chill pills. like, am I the only one who feels as though certain character arcs/developments were erased? and that everyone needed to just sit tf down and t a l k fr? idkidk, don't press me✋🏽😃✋🏽.

other than that, solid movie and I'm so, so, excited for the next one, and I can't wait to start writing fanfic and make a spider-sona (or two...or three or four or five💀-).

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𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐬/𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜 :

the soundtrack is so fire !! straight heat🔥, not one bad track, just banger after banger fr😻😆. when I give it my second watch (cuz no, I didn't watch it again yesterday like I said, I got busy, it's halloweekend, give me a break lol), I'll definitely list some of my faves from the track.

to be honest, though, I don't know what I expected. of course atsv had some heat. so did the first movie ! so I expect beyond the spider-verse to deliver again.

visuals... they ate down for the most part, I was totally expecting that. I only have one, eensy-weensy little pet peeve, and that's the way gwen's world/coloring is done. personally, it's just not my cup of tea, I didn't really vibe with it, which made it hard for me to enjoy a lot of her home world/dimension scenes. and ofc, it's just my opinion. if you liked it, awesome. I don't expect to start something or like... have the whole artstyle be changed, that's not what I'm saying.

I just wasn't messing with it, and that's totally okay :). everyone else was *💋* perfect, and my faves definitely had to be our miles' (y'know, 1610!miles) dimension, pavitr's, hobie's... okay, so, basically, everyone else's but gwen's (y'all are going to start to notice a theme here, btw🥴💀). but, if anyone has some niche facts or interpretations on why her world was colored as such, I'd love to hear them :).

now onto the good stuff >:3...

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𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬 :

I- *crying about him every second of the day*...

poor boy needs a break, bro, like... (minus the spider-duties, ofc) I was deeply/heavily relating to his struggles. having all of these different things running through your mind at once, all things imperative for a good future/outcome. and then the constant stress of worrying about/for all of this different shit. especially the family bits, him just trying to do right by them but also needing s p a c e hit home mad hard😭.

and then, omg, all of these people telling him all of these different things... how he, A TEENAGE BOY, has to make all of these life altering (some life ending) choices for MULTIPLE realities, including his own ?? have the adults in the building (movie) lost they whole entire minds?! anyways, sorry, lemme chill out. this is supposed to be about miles💀.

as usual, I loved him and his personality like, truly resonated with this awkward swag vibe he has going on (and have since the first movie) and I just-...

he's pookie, fr, and I wish the world and the ppl who claim to love him in it so deeply would act like such😭💋. and he was so, so, so real for dissing peter (b. parker) every time he'd try to talk because bro, he was such a snitch, idcidc💀. and then real again for the whole, "everyone keeps tryna tell me how my story is supposed to go. Nah... i'ma do my own thing." line, like yesss king, go off✨️.

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𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐠𝐰𝐞𝐧 :

she-... ouuu...

y'all, I can't express how much this lil' girl got on my nerves. not to say that I don't understand, I do, trust. but it's not an excuse. and oh my days, did she make me cringe like... she gives me sheltered person vibes, which I was gonna say isn't her fault, but it kinda is when she shut herself out from the whole world willingly😭. again, I understand why, but she set herself up doing that. on top of being so stereotypically white?

no offense, but I audibly gasped when she called mr. and mrs. morales by their first names😃. like girl🥴- ! and then this whole, "I like you but actually lol no I don't because I'm lowkey with hobie, but no, I'm not." thing she's doing with miles? either miss girl is terrible at social cues, orrrr😗... she's an ass🤷🏽‍♀️. sorry but that wasn't cute, like if I were miles, I would just have to let gwen go, I mean, she even said it herself;

"in every universe, gwen stacy falls for spider-man... and in every other universe, it…doesn’t end well.”

like girl, if that's what you believe, then quit it with the, "you might have a chance with me but probably not, let's find out." vibes you're radiating, please😭🙏🏽. like, throwing the whole spider-verse off balance because, "i JuSt wAnTeD tO sEe hIm aGaIn x'0 !" when she literally knew and AGREED that she shouldn't have ever gone to see him again in the first place (because it's not like miles knew she had the ability to come see him whenever, so she should've just kept it that way) was such a foul move, bro...

anyway, I'm done dragging her, because on the flip side...

gwen deserved so much better from her father. sure, he came around towards the end, but where was the unconditional love and support that a parent is supposed to give, regardless of anything else? like, I was wholeheartedly shook to my core when gwen told him she was spider-girl, and his response was to arrest her.

sir...?! if it were me, I'd take all my shit from my room and never speak to that man again. like, oh 'ight, that's how you feel? I'm out here essentially doing your job after having to deal with the murder of my best friend (which you blamed me for, mind you !) and you want me in jail? still?? even after finding out I'm your lil' princess baby girl a.k.a. your daughter, bitch ???

sorry, but I'll say it again, my dad would never see me again 'cept when I'm busy being spider-girl on the tv😹. and just in general, poor gwen fr, like, I truly felt it when spider-woman swooped into the scene in the start of the movie, and gwen's immediate response was to go, "can you adopt me?" and like, sure, "sHe wAs jOkInG/bEiNg aWkwArD" but, coming from a girl who wished she'd had better parents...

that was not a joke, she fully meant that shit, you're not changing my mind😹🥴. anyways, all in all, I have very 60/40 feelings about gwen. sixty being my dislike, forty being my like (or, more accurately, understanding of her person regardless of my dislike).

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𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫-𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧 :

let's just acknowledge that she's voiced by the queen, ms. issa rae😻 !!! like she ate down, I don't care what anyone has to say. now, onto her actual character, she was so honorable for taking gwen in. like wow, I wish someone would swoop into my life, via sick motorcycle and sweet webs, and snatch me up into a better life🤩. and then further advocating for her (gwen) and her actions throughout the movie, even though it was risky?

she's so amazing (as all spider-people tend to be, harhar, puns). and yes, it was unfortunate when she couldn't do much for gwen upon miguel finding out what had been done and yada-yada, but she did all she could/agreed to/said she would do. She stood on her word, and that's all that matters🤷🏽‍♀️.

honestly, I don't have much on her except for the fact that I remember thinking she was pretty sick, so yeah :).

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𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐥 :

um, I don't... dislike him, I guess? but I definitely don't like him, nor am I attracted to him. I kind of don't get/understand that, but to each their own.

b u t... I do wanna say one thing because I hope that once I do say it, I start seeing a bit of a change/more of it...

I've read some miguel fanfiction, both before and after watching the movie. not saying I scoured the depths of tumblr for it or anything, read every last piece of writing on him there is to exist. that's not the case. but, from what I have read, y'all didn't get his character right imo. some aspects, sure, but his whole persona has been completely misconstrued. misinterpreted.

he's not this extra stoic, leader, jason todd-type/esque dude. to me, that man gave awkward and anti-social. I'd even go as far as to say he might've been a little autistic coded, but again, as always, that's just me ✋🏽😗✋🏽. and sure, yes, there was stoic behavior, which comes along with being rather awkward and potentially on the spectrum. and I'm not at all denying that he's a badass, he totally is.

but outside of that, and outside of him being super aggro towards miles, any scene of him was either him keeping to his lonesome unless absolutely necessary. self-isolating (which can be moreso due to trauma/other mental troubles rather than autism), and wanting nothing to do with anything he wasn't comfortable with (and I definitely wanna say he didn't want to be leader of anything/in a position of power, that's just how shit lined up for him, and it's just like... what can you do🤷🏽‍♀️?).

he was consistent with his information, both giving it and explaining deeper. he didn't like to be interrupted while doing so. and there was that one moment where talking to lyla (lila? lyla?¿) where he said something like, "do the explaining thing that do you do."

"what thing?"

"wha-😃? what do you mean, 'what thing?' the information explain-y thingy😐🤨."

and it's not even the only time where him and lila have had this awkward (but cute, ngl) dynamic with each other. anyways, whatever, I could just be talking out of my ass and being contradictory (becauss he is stoic but he isnt but he is-?¿), but-

I need/wanna see more awkward and introverted miguel content, not so much no-nonsense and hella apathetic...

───────── 《 .°•♡•°. 》 ──────────

𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐥𝐚 (𝐥𝐲𝐥𝐚?¿) :

someone tell me how to spell her name so I can do her proper justice lol🙏🏽.

but anyways, I like her a lot :D. I mean, I know we barely see her, but just from her fit, voice/lil valley girl accent, and vibes alone...

oh yeah, we'd be besties if we ever met, I just know it. lila is so cool and I hope she plays a bigger role in beyond the spider-verse😻.

───────── 《 .°•♡•°. 》 ──────────

𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐨𝐛𝐢𝐞 :

he's so hot and cool and aesthetically pleasing to look at, I just wish I could understand what that nigga was saying🥴💀. no shade, I'm so deeply infatuated with him, I just... that accent is thick as hell, so that's my sign to be sure my next watch has captions on😭.

through context clues, though, I was happy when he sided with miles/supported his journey to do whatever he felt it was best to do. and how he quit being apart of... what was it called, the spider-society? I-... and then at the end when he shows up to help gwen and them help miles. also, hello, the friendship between him and pavitr is so cute, I live for that😭.

also, his suit kicks ass. I thought the spikes and the fact that he fights with a guitar was a very nice touch, and I really dig how when miles was like, "how are you even cooler under the mask?" he's like, "I was this cool the whole time😌.

like okay, periodt, love that for you, king✨️. like shiiii, I believe it🥴😻. also, is it canon that him and gwen were together? or is it a friends with benefits type of deal? who knows, who cares. I don't >:) (I will being writing fanfiction about him).

also, quick headcanon !! I don't know why, but he gives me vibes that he can't stay focused for the life of him. er, like... he can, but to do so, he has to be focused on something completely unrelated. also, hello, he's a spider-person... shooting off un-asked for quips and jokes is kind of part of the spider-package. like, there were so many times where a person (irl or in the movie, doesn't matter) could swear hobie wasn't paying a lick of attention because he's off doing something else, talking about something totally unrelated...

just a completely unserious ass dude, right? wrong. well, not fully. but no, he's paying attention by... not paying attention. does that make sense😃? anyways...

───────── 《 .°•♡•°. 》 ──────────

𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐩𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐫 :

he's my silly little meow-meow babygirl and I want nothing but the very best for him😆🥺. no but for real, I was on edge watching him try to "do both." save his girlfriend or save her dad (which was apparently a canon event that miles disrupted but he just wanted to helppp😭).

I was so happy when everything went okay, even if it meant that a canon event was fucked with, but stillll...

also, I thought it was so funny how he's "perfect" lmao. he fr achieved that healthy, work-life-spider-man balance. truly peaked😌✨️. also his theme...!! the cultural tune implemented into it !!! what a bop, an absolute jam, a certified banger. I also really vibed with his spider-suit, like, the colors and incorporations clashed so well together, and just the design itself was so...💫sparkly💫, and the way he used his webs??

again, I adored it ! I have no clue what the arm cuffs (??) at the ends of them are called (plz let me know, because I know they're important/cultural, I believe🙏🏽), but once again, beautifully done and amazingly executed. I'm sure people (especially teens and younger) probably went nuts in the theater seeing that, like, y'all... representation matters, I will scream it until my own ears bleed.

───────── 《 .°•♡•°. 》 ──────────

𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐛. (𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐝𝐚𝐲) :

when I tell you miles and I went, "you/he had a baby😃?!" at the exact same time, you would've thought I was in the movie lmao💀.

I don't know, I just wasn't expecting it (even though I probably should have been), but she was the cutest darn thing😻🥺 !! her red hair like mary jane's, but having peter's spider powers was just adorable, and the fact that I saw everyone hold her at least once... my heart... it aches😫♡.

never thought a cartoon would give me baby fever, yet here I am. and it was so special to me how he admitted to miles (even though/while under shitty circumstances) that he was the reason he (peter) even wanted to have her in the first place and made him ready to commit. he wants her to be just like him (miles) and that made me-

😭😭😭♡ plus, him constantly having her with him in the little baby carrier thingy... adorable. like, yes, mj, he did take her on another mission, and she was clearly having the time of her life, lay off😆✨️.

now, on the flipside... peter,,, you're a terrible mentor💀. like, I get he was doing his best, but his best was trash, what can I say🤷🏽‍♀️. just doing miles dirty, snitching and switching sides left and right. I mean, the fact that he only showed up during the "intervention" (more like trap-) just so there was a higher chance at helping miguel to convince miles to let innocent people, plus his own father, d i e? shit move, some mentor/father-type figure you are😒.

also, this next bit should really be in the miguel section (oh well), but... how uncool of him was it to literally set miles up with all of his spider friends and then have them try to convince him, "oh yeah, it's a canon event to let people die, including one of the closest people you have in your life. sorry, that's just how it is, accept it lol." like actually, fuck uncool, shit was totally buckwild and uncouth. on top of the fact that none of them thought to visit him for who knows how long?

yeah... no, get fucked, I hope miles figures out a way to beat the system in the next movie, just out of pure spite🙏🏽.

───────── 《 .°•♡•°. 》 ──────────

𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐞-𝟒𝟐 𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬 :

I know he was only there for half a second, but listen... how scary was it, coming to that realization that 1610 miles was in the wrong universe. like dawg, I had chilllsss, I was so nervous for him, like genuinely, the stress sweat was insane😃✋🏽.

y'all said tmi? gotchu. anyways, so yeah, but then immediately when uncle aaron showed up, I just knew, I was like, "oh shit, wait, okay, if he's here, and jefferson is dead..." like I put the pieces together so fast, I figured out e-42 miles was the prowler way quicker than I think I should've🥲✋🏽.

but when that mask came back, my mind wiped, cuz um...

like... I'm not the only person that... reacted... to the accent right? like-

I was shook, but when I was... it was like, "😱...😧...😳...😻" yk? like what buisness did he have sounding like that😃💀. anyways, sorry, I'm done. except I'm not, because my mind now contains sooo many headcannons on just earth-42 in general and then e-42 miles, like ?! and that shouldn't really be a surprise to anyone because I'm a writer I do this, this is what I do, I do this, this is what I do🤷🏽‍♀️<3.

───────── 《 .°•♡•°. 》 ──────────

𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 :

- loved it when they did the thing... yk...

lolll that thing. I giggled very loud :).

- spot was nonchalantly terrifying and funny, and I really a d o r e villains like that. just unhinged and doing thier own thing while still proving themselves great threat and standing on buisness? yeah, he was awesome, I have zero nitpicks on him, he was done very well. althoughhhh.... I know I just said I have no nitpicks, but why is his backstory/origin so insignificant😭? like it's kind of lame, but at the same time, kind of... genius? like, I don't hate it, but I definitely wouldn't have come up with it so I guess that's a good thing. original/unique, in this specific case, I'd say🤷🏽‍♀️.

- I wish my mom was like rio. that's it, that's the post, #mommyissues🥲✨️.

- why did they wash out jefferson's character so badly? like, he still had his moments, but outside of that, he was basically just comic relief, which was... a little jarring given how he behaved in the first movie. I definitely feel like he could've been done a little better, but I supposed it wasn't a crazy bad change. like, there was the fact that miles (as spider-man, but still-) still had to tell him to get off of his ass, so it wasn't a complete 180° change or anything. just a noticeable one.

- ben riley had me giggling hard💀🥴✋🏽. emo ass, I loved him😭✨️.

- the live action editing/clips just- shdjfjekgoekkr !!! like how freaking cool, like I was deadass in my room screaming like a lunatic, like, I get it's the spider-verse so it's obvious those shots would be there but IDC LEMME FANGIRL IN MF PEACE !!!

───────── 《 .°•♡•°. 》 ──────────

alright, that's all lol. if there's anything or anyone else I've forgotten to put in any of the different sections, I'll add them. but yeah, those are basically my surface level thoughts🥴. But of course, if anyone wants to go in depth with me, I'm totally open to that, and I hope to be posting headcanons and stuff about them soon (just gotta... set up the masterlist and stuff first😃).

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ...𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐨, 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐡... 𝐛𝐲𝐞, 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐝 !

[atinycupofpositivitea]

Hii, it's been a long time since I logged on to this site. I'm just here to say thank you and also to apologise.

About a year ago, you helped me a lot with my worries and overthinking, you gave me a lot of helpful advice that definitely changed my way of thinking and helped ease my anxiety and overthinking. So big thank you for that! I'm really grateful 💗

I'm also sorry because back then, I sent quite a few asks about different worries of mine but I never quite mentioned that it was me (aka the same anon) so it might have lead to you thinking those were different people? I mean, i kinda tried to not seem like the same person because i thought it might annoy you or bother you if i nake it obvious that the same person sent so many questions/asks so i kinda tried to not make it obvious and ended up making it seem kinda like those were sent by different people. But i didn't mean anything bad by it.

Your blog was a safe space and a platform where i got support that i needed but without realizing it back then, i feel like i ended up taking advantage of your kindness even though i didn't mean it. I guess i was kinda desperate for support but didn't wanna bother you too much. When i had two different worries i wanted your opinions on, i just thought "well writing it in the same ask would be too long and confusing" but i also thought sending separate asks and mentioning it was me on both would make you annoyed by me? Maybe it would make you feel like i was being too demanding and maybe it would make you ignore me?

So i tried to seem like it was different people or at least not seem like the same person by changing up my way of talking/writing in different asks. Idk why i did that really. (God this sounds so wrong and embarrassing im sorry)

Oh but at first, i didn't even think about any of this. I just sent my questions then suddenly started worrying if it would be weird and if its wrong to ask more than one or two questions in different asks....then thought "oh maybe it is wrong" and did that :(

But if this bothers you, then I'm really really sorry. I didn't realise it back then but i ended up depending too much on you out of desperation and maybe unknowingly took advantage of your kindness in a way but only realized it recently. I never meant anything bad. I know this ask could either make you hate me or maybe you don't mind what i did, but either way, I'm really sorry.

I'm really sorry for that, honestly. And thank you again for all the help too. I'm very grateful. If i ever send any ask in the future, I'll try to mention it's me but if you don't want me to interact with your blog, i understand that too. Thank you for reading.

Hey Anon ❤️ I remember you! It's lovely to hear that somehow this blog helped you cope with your anxiety and overthinking. That's good progress, and you made it! 🥺🥺❤️

As for the multiple asks, I truly wasn't bothered nor annoyed. I think that you realising that it might have been a little ambiguous to make multiple asks, it's a sign of improvement and surely you'll be more comfortable with a bigger ask then "pretending" to be different people. I want you to remember more importantly something that you have said about your past: you were in a tough situation. You did the choice that you deemed best for your mental health and your needs, and even if now you acknowledge that it wasn't the best idea, it wasn't wrong or evil. You did your best with the knowledge you had.

I'm so happy you came round to share your thoughts and progress, it really warms my heart to have conversations with you and the community. We are all in this together and all of our struggles become less intimidating when there's people sharing their journey. This is true for me at least.

Anon, don't forget your vibes are good. You might struggle with anxiety and other issues but that's okay and we all are struggling with something, no one is perfect and looking down on each other is a despicable way to gain confidence. You're perfect the way you are and I love you.

P.S. sorry this answer comes so late! Have been struggling myself and now i luckily feel better ☺️

[dragonji]

having a mome below dont worry abt it

sorry in advance but apparently tonight is a real Cannot Fucking Stand This Body Anymore kinda night. I need to get on t so goddamn bad like im terrified of it and how people will react esp like my family but that shit was always going to be complicated anyways and also I am straight up going to kms if I have to live like this for another year .lol♡ . I just. I've worked really hard since living on my own to be even close to neutral on my appearance and voice and bearing and ik its made worse bc its 4 in the morning as I'm dealing with this but its so fucking easy to backslide into the cesspit of resentment and anguish and snarling fury I have at looking and being the way I am currently. I can't stand myself and the ways I know I'm percieved there's no way I can survive the way I am much longer. And it's like being clawed apart slowly from the inside knowing that on the other side of the fear that paralyzes me is so much potential to fall in love with myself in a way I know I can barely imagine- it'll take time to mold my body into what I tentatively let myself fantasize about sure but at least it will be Something. I dont expect to become ethereal or worthy of reverence or anything so grand of course but I can't help but be feverishly consumed with hunger to know how I'll change. To know what my voice will sound like- will my register finally expand to those low growling tones and gravely rumbles that I hear in my mind sometimes when I invision some far-future version of myself? Will I finally be able to build and keep muscle, enough that I can look at my body and think this is capable and useful and will serve the purposes asked of it, instead of being just another thing to bury under pretty distractions to keep anyone from looking closer? Will I ever even get to a point that I Could let anyone look at me without feeling the need to raise my hackles or run or make excuses? Its not that I don't like decorating myself in nice clothes and jewelry and all kinds of little details, I just want so badly to believe that one day I could do it just for the fun of it and not as layers upon layers of defenses to keep myself and hopefully others from thinking about the form underneath. I'm losing the plot to all the white-out longing in my head but yeah all that to say. I wish I were able to find pride in my physical self. I wish I had a form I could think of as anything more than an inconvenience at best. This one is so selfish and will never be acted upon but I wish I were able to let myself be desired too. I wish I had the courage to make some choice, anything really, to progress towards the possibility of ever having any of that. But in the end I cower from change even ones I know will make me happier because they always risk upsetting someone and if I'm the only one left sick with anguish well. That's just basic math isn't it? Better to be the one stuck with all the suffering than being the one shattering it out in an impact crater I can't even attempt to hide is my fault. So I'll just keep not reaching out and playing down how gutwrenchingly sick I am on the daily to be living this way. And if I just tell myself enough times that it's fine, that I don't Need any of the things I want, that obviously desire is the root of suffering and as such it's only right that I abstain from even the most benign of my own, well it has to be true eventually, doesn't it?

[northeastern-soul]

I am taking space to work on things I need to work on. That doesn't mean you can't occupy a portion, but I need boundaries that are healthy and so do you.

I am okay with taking a step back, how big i dont know. I think it's a good idea until we can further work on ourselves. That doesn't mean I don't love you or that I've thrown away my investment in you or us. I do hope eventually we can get this right.

Part of me is worried you're gone and chose him, but that's something I'll have to accept and support if that's the case.

I am identifying things that I'm not okay with, in how i act, I think I got alot right in how I treat you but also some stuff wrong, regardless of your perspective on it. Some of it might of effected you, some maybe not, but I need to heal and if it makes me better for you, cool. if not, then yay for me for self improvement.

The other day might not of been a big deal for you, with my panic attack telling me the world was ending and to call you and find you.. That's my trauma and my past. My past tells me something bad happened and you need to react. That's finding my ex dying on the floor of our hotel room with my son in the crib. I reflected and I'd absolutely hate to wake up or exist with someone absolutely blowing up my phone, let alone my friends. I'd be beyond irritated and somehow it was okay to do in the moment when my brain was stuck in the spiral. I'm not okay with that, and I need to figure out how to change it.

^I also need to remember that the world isn't ending unless someone says the world's ending, it's not a crisis and a crisis isn't lurking around every corner, normal people will call me back when they're ready or wake up, once or twice is enough.

Me being available is one thing, but having my availability as instant as it has been is not healthy. I can't wait around the phone all-day regardless of how much I love and enjoy someone. I need to learn some self worth and boundaries there.

I need to work on understanding that just because I'm not the constant priority, that everything's okay. There's some insecurities and possibly abandonment issues there that I need to sort though. It's okay for me not to be the priority of the day, and it's something I need to learn.

I'm a bit obsessive, and I gotta learn to fill my time with other things and not just wait around, its not my fault if others miss out. Plans can be remade, schedules figured out etc... Its not my responsibility to make sure things work out, and I feel I took on a bit too much of that, partially due to my own fear or pain from disappointment.

I gotta take things for face value too, I overlook too much and tolerate alot that I shouldn't always tolerate, I think its part of setting boundaries, healthy ones. Boundaries have been a bad word to me in the sense of being used as punishment. I think they can be healthy and I want to experience healthy boundaries. You taught me alot about that.

^I want healthy, regardless of what happens next. Looking back, I also really wish we had taken a moment a set ground rules, just some hey, I don't appreciate xyz.. or I need abc.. so here's how I need you to navigate and act in these situations.

I can't control you, and im not interested in it either. I value you deeply, and I was truly excited to start doing the fun stuff and living. Who knows, the future is crazy. You know love is there, and the relationship is wanted, but regardless of if that was a choice set in stone, or a reaction, I really gotta heal too, so best case, we take some time. doesn't mean we need to be fully out of contact, but babysteps. 🧡 I want to give you the space you asked for too.

You're unblocked on everything except Facebook for now. Snap, insta and cell are back.

Please do not abuse me. You know my schedule, it's my Monday tonight. please save big talks if they were ever to arise for off duty moments, preferably at the start of my weekends, not right before bed going into my monday. I Don't mind messages here because it's my choice to open the app. I am working hard to not fixate on the phone, so if I don't answer immediately I'm processing or not available at the moment.

[michu-writes]

🐉

1. Have you requested in my blog before?

Of course! Many times actually!^^

2. What's your name and where are you from (if you're comfortable)?

My name is Ala and I'm from Poland!🇵🇱

So um, I'd like to request the Alphabet template for Stan! He's my favourite boy so I'd really like to read one for him! That is, if I'm already to late or you already got one for him😅 I'll be looking forward to reading all of the things you'll write for us in your Valentine's Day event! Also, remember not to stress yourself out over this. Write in your own pace, no pressure.

(Praying that I actually wrote everything according to the rules and didn't annoy you if I wrote something wrong. So sorry if I did!😭)Love you! 💝

A/N: Omg I just realized I might sound a bit strict and rude with the rules IM SO SORRY!! Dont worry, you never seem to annoy me <3. Ilyyyy

Stan Marsh x reader fluff alphabet | Valentine‘s day 1 event

(Art belongs to me, please don’t repost without credit)

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Definitely just a lot of hanging out at each other's homes, preferably yours because he doesn't really want you to interact with his father so much. Either watch a movie or two, listen to music or just cuddle and stuff after a long day yk. He likes calming activities believe it's or not, since he always has stuff going on around town.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Your personality and kindness. He likes it when you just worry about him when he's about to do something crazy. Your mind nature is just what he's looking for, with a bit of honesty in there too.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc?

He'd try to talk you down at first, but if that's not helping, he'd try to seize the moment by trying to understanding why you're all worked up and feeling just flat out awful. He'll make you do breathing exercises and reassure you that everything is fine. One thing for sure is that he absolutely hates seeing you in this state. He understands how it feels to feel that way, it's the worst.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Honestly, he wish to get married to you someday. It really just depends on how long you've been together, and how the relationship is. Maybe a kid or two, if you will. He won't admit it though.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

He really tries and wants to be the dominant one like all 'big men' are, but he's really just the passive. Sure, sometimes he can be a bit dominant. I think it's just equal for the both of you, but yeah.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

He'd try to understand your side of things, even though he might not agree with some of it. He doesn't like fighting, especially with his s/o. Sometimes he'd burst on you, but immediately feel bad. After the fight, you both might stay a bit distant from each other for a bit, and Stan would be feeling so quilty and bad. He'd be the first one to apologize after an argument without a doubt.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

He'd remember the simplest thing you've ever done for him, and still think about it and feel all fuzzy. He's always so happy whenever you do anything nice to him, he's like a puppy but acts like he's cool and chill about it. He'd try not to puke on you, but sometimes he does, sorry.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

He'd still have a few secrets here and there, or else he'd pretty much tell you everything. He trusts you, and you're a good person. Those secrets he keeps, may be told to you after a while of thinking though.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Definitely helped him a bit. He's a depressed kid, and even became alcoholic at a young age. But having you by his side, made him think more about himself. He doesn't wanna screw up or anything, and so tries to improve a bit of himself and stop the alcoholism, but of course a little bit will still remain. Though, he's getting better.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Absolutely. If he saw you with another guy or girl or literally anyone (like Wendy and Gregory), he'd lose his shit and start overthinking things. He's so scared to lose you, like he loves you so much. He'd take a few shots, just to try to forget about it. He knows it's unhealthy, but that's just his way of coping.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

He has experience. I'd say he's just like an average kisser if you know what I mean. His kisses are quick, he doesn't wanna throw up on you. I like to imagine your first kiss was like when he first got jealous by you and some other person. He felt really bad and down, and you noticed that. And so, you gave him a long kiss as reassurance and comfort that instantly made him forget all the other stuff that happened. Of course he puked on you but it's fine.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Would confess through a love letter. Like there would be a sweet poem at the start, then it will say "Will you be my s/o" and then there's like Teo boxes saying yes or no. He just so afraid of rejection and stuff face to face, so it's better to stay safe. Kyle probably helped him with the letter because we all know he's Stan's wingman.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Of course! He'd probably take you out on a fancy restaurant on Valentine's Day, and be all flirty and nice to you. He'd give you a few gifts and flowers to you. Inside one of the gifts, was a box. A box with a ring inside. Without hesitation, you quickly said yes, giving him kisses and hugs everywhere. As for the wedding, I feel like it'd be a small wedding by like a beautiful pond or something. He'd only invite his loved and close ones, though he doesn't mind a big party either. It was all so cute and just aww. He was trying so hard not to puke on your wedding dress, and for that, he always excused himself to go to the bathroom lol.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

He's pretty vanilla. He'd basically just call you babe, love, sweetheart, honey and sugar. Sometimes he can be creative and come up with new nicknames though.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Definitely obvious and noticeable. He'd always zone out and be a bit more distracted, maybe stutter sometimes as well. Also that terrible habit of throwing up. He tries to fix it, he really does.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

I don't think he minds pda. But he rather thinks that kissing and all that stuff should be in private, but he's okay with holding hands and all that.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

He's really understanding and can be a bit clingy at times, which is totally fine. He likes being near you is all, and it's cute.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He can be pretty romantic, like an average amount. Though, it always results of him almost puking. He'd spend time with you whenever he could to make you feel happy and loved. He thinks all that cliché romance stuff is cringe, and he really tries to have none of that. Sometimes he's unintentionally cliché, but he can get creative.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their? Do they believe in them?

Of course he does! He'd try to support you no matter what it is, and make you feel motivated with a little help from his friends as well.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice up your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

He doesn't mind trying out new things, but definitely likes to stick to a routine.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

I'd say he knows you pretty well. He'd try to get to know you better all the time, because he doesn't wanna be a douche. And of course, not in a weird way. He thinks every part of you is interesting.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

You're probably one of the most important person in his life. We all know what happened to Stan when Wendy broke up with him. Of course, he tries to mask it somehow so he won't make a big deal out of it if you broke up with him someday. But anyways, if anything bad happened to you, he'd always be the first one to show up and worry.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

His love language is words of affirmation and quality time. He just wants you to feel loved by his words and how long he spends time with you. Either from watching a movie together, playing video games or cuddling.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

He'd try to not seem all that affectionate, because he becomes really flustered. But he loves hugs and kisses, also cuddles. He'll easily throw up if you kissed him on the lips though, so sorry.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Sure, he'd literally beat anyone up if they started talking shit about you.

[theautumnisnoble]

we'll learn to swim in the oceans you made

After listening to Shirtsleeves by Ed Sheeran this scenario immediately came into mind, also heavily inspired by Jenn Im's pregnancy youtube video titled, "We're Pregnant!"

[Also a very big thank you to A (@solhwippedsubs on twt and holdoutandwin on ao3) for beta-reading this. I love you my solhwi fluff confidant!]

Word Count: 2k words

"Wake up!" Sol removes the comforter that was covering his husband's body and started shaking him. "Han Joon Hwi, ireona!"

"Mmm, Sol-ah. Why?" Joon Hwi covered his eyes with his arm to shield them from the rays of sunlight and wondered why the love of his life was forcing him out of their bed so early in the morning.

"Ireona! Jebal.." Joon Hwi immediately shot up as Sol's voice started to crack and he examined her face. Sol teared up and Joon Hwi noticed she was holding something tightly, stick close to snapping into half.

"Babe, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Joon Hwi held both of her arms and looked up at her.

Sol had been so emotional these days, well, more than she usually is. Sol always has been a passionate ball of fury, but Joon Hwi especially had it rough this week. He doesn't find Sol annoying or tiring for any of that matter, but he would wonder why Sol would suddenly cry or get mad at him for absolutely no reason, and if there was, then he avoided asking it as when he did that one time, Sol only got more mad at him. There was also yesterday when Joon Hwi sprayed on himself the perfume that Sol gifted to him on their wedding anniversary last April and Sol suddenly pinched her nose close and walked outside of their bedroom. And now, Sol was in tears, sobbing, at 7 am in the morning.

"Babe.. I'm starting to worry. What's wrong?"

"I told you to be careful!!!" Sol lightly punched his shoulder and bawled.

Joon Hwi raised his arm and wiped her tears using the sleeves of his sweater, pulling on the cloth with his fingers. "What did I do wrong? Calm down for a sec and tell me.."

"Don't tell me to calm down!"

"O-okay." Joon Hwi surrendered for a while and let Sol release all of her emotions. Moments later, her sobs started to simmer down and Joon Hwi opened his arms wide. "C'mere."

Sol bended down and let Joon Hwi's arms circle around her. Her lower body slowly went closer to him and then she sat on his lap, her shoulder against his chest. Joon Hwi wiped down the dampness on her face and caressed her arm. "Now, babe, talk to me, okay? I'm never gonna know what I did wrong if you won't tell me."

Sol faced him and tried to form intelligent words. "Well, you—"

"Hmm?"

"I'm—" Her mouth started to form into a pout and tears started fall again from her eyes. "Joon Hwi-ah." She released sobs again and buried her face into his neck. Joon Hwi sighed and patted her arm.

"Babe—"

"I'm pregnant."

Joon Hwi paused his movements and pulled his head back away, lightly pushing Sol by her shoulders, to let Sol face him. Sol's eyes wandered down to her left hand and Joon Hwi followed them, then he grabbed the stick from her hand.

It was a pregnancy test. Two red-dyed lines. Positive.

Joon Hwi faced Sol, his lips starting to form into a smile. "Babe—"

"I told you to be careful!!" Sol again whimpered, tears still falling.

"W-what? Is it because I—"

"Nevermind!" Sol wiped her tears in a rash way and breathed out to calm herself down. "I-it's actually not your fault." Sol now realized the irrationality of her internal reasoning.

Joon Hwi held back a chuckle and tucked a hair behind his wife's ear.

"Remember April?"

"When we shared a sloppy kiss under the rain?" Joon Hwi tried to lighten the mood by reminding her how they had to walk all the way to the bus stop under the heavy pouring rain, just right after they had their wedding anniversary date at a fine dining restaurant four months ago. It was a funny, but sweet memory.

"No! Before that, when I got diagnosed with PCOS."

"Aah."

It left Sol and Joon Hwi almost hopeless for a child when she was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. But Sol, even before that, was convinced she didn't need to have kids and that she was satisfied with her life with Joon Hwi, content that they'd be that couple with no children. They were already busy with their very time-demanding jobs and Sol— she convinced herself she wouldn't be competent with the whole mothering a child thing. But after knowing her condition, the question, "should I?" turned to "could I?". The condition that would possibly rob her of the choice eventually made her think about how it wouldn't be so bad, because Joon Hwi was there. So after the news of her condition, she decided on one thing.

"A-after that I got off birth control." Joon Hwi nodded and listened to Sol, who was still tearing up a bit, and he also wiped down those tears when he could.

"Then yesterday, when I realized I wasn't on my period yet, I got to read my period calculator and saw that I- I was 16 days late." Sol exhaled for courage.

"Then I bought the pregnancy test." Sol paused and looked at Joon Hwi, and her face looked like she was about to burst again. Her lips were shaking and her eyes were still crystal with tears ready to fall. She was scared.

"You can take it slow, I'll be here. I won't stop listening." Sol released a small smile, tidied her face and tucked in her stray hairs, preparing to tell Joon Hwi more while also now trying to relax herself.

"I didn't know if I should take it though. I mean, everything would change if I was pregnant. But I did wanna know, I wanted to be certain. And it said that I should use my morning pee for it so I waited until morning."

"But you hardly even slept.." Joon Hwi recalls her wife tossing and turning beside him, and then ultimately giving up trying to sleep then went downstairs. He bets on Sol reading up on her cases, which works as an alternative sleeping pill for her.

Ever since she was diagnosed with PCOS, Sol really took effort into having a more healthy lifestyle— like exchanging coffee for matcha, this among other things, and also trying to get some more sleep. So Joon Hwi knew that Sol would definitely try to catch up on sleep.

"I did, a bit." She smiled. "So, after that I took it just earlier. A-and I tested positive." Sol's emotions now returned to her and she closed her eyes, her eyebrows furrowed and tears started to fall again.

"I'm scared." She looked at him. "I don't know if I'm gonna be a good mother. I feel like I should be happy or something, but I'm just really scared." Sol now covered her face with both palms and cried, Joon Hwi pulled her in to embrace her.

"Babe.." He patted her back.

"What if I try my best, and our kid still doesn't love me?" That was it. Sol released another wave of sobs and her body shook against Joon Hwi's embrace.

Sol thought she wasn't ready. Even if it was her choice to get off birth control, she didn't think she would immediately become pregnant. After all, her doctor said it was now almost impossible to be. In her mind, pregnancy would change everything— from how much devotion she has to her work to maybe how her and Joon Hwi's relationship would change, and maybe for the worst. And she didn't like change, her idealistic plans for her future would need to be altered, and she also didn't like how it would most likely change their marriage. She couldn't have that, she couldn't live with a ruined marriage because she didn't want anything to change between Joon Hwi and her, and she also couldn't live with her child possibly having to live through all that. And what if he gets tired of taking care of me? And tons of other doubts and insecurities showered her.

Why does my mind do this? Sol asked herself. Why can't I just be excited? Joon Hwi is the father of this child. I'm sure he's disappointed in me right now.

Joon Hwi pulled away after she calmed down. He wiped her face, again with his already damp shirtsleeves. He placed short kisses on her wet cheeks and cupped her face. "Sol, I believe in you."

Sol melted and her lips turned into a pout, her face still showing fear and uncertainty.

"I'm with you, whatever your decision is. I will be always there for you as I always have. If you arrive to whichever decision, I will give you my opinion but at the end I will always support you. If you don't want to have the baby, I'll still be here. If you want to try and see it through the end, I will be happy and help you every step of the way. I'm your husband Sol-ah. I know you don't trust yourself that much yet, but trust in me. "

Sol put her arms around him and hugged him tight. "I love you Sol. We'll take it slow, step by step. I know you're panicking right now, but there's no rush. We'll do it together. You're never gonna be alone. I'll be there every single step of the way. And I'm sure our kid will love you. You were an amazing older sister to Byeol and you still are, she adores you so I'm sure our kid will, too."

"I love you Joon Hwi. I love you so much. I love you."

"You love me that much?"

Sol pulled away, annoyed. Joon Hwi released a chuckle.

"I love you too."

"You sure I can do it?" Sol asked. "Being a mom? What if I'm going to be too busy for it?"

"We can always ask Byeol to babysit. Or your mom, she has said she already wants a grandchild."

"You always know the solution to things don't you?" Sol rolled her eyes.

"That's why I'm the perfect husband to the ever worrier Eomma Sol."

"Eomma Sol?" Sol raised her voice, taken aback by the sudden nickname.

"And I'm Appa Joon Hwi. " Then Sol bursted out, laughing. Her tears were now drying on her cheeks and she was more relaxed now.

"See? It's cute." I just wanted to see you smile. Joon Hwi thought.

Sol pulled him into a hug again. "You better not regret being a father to our child, Han Joon Hwi-ssi."

Joon Hwi let himself fall into bed, taking down Sol with her. They both laughed and Joon Hwi pulled her into a kiss, tasting the bitterness and sadness of her tears. They made out, feeling at home and Sol, feeling assured and loved by the person in front of her. Joon Hwi kissed her, tasting the ocean, drowning in the one she made.

"I will never regret it. I will fulfill all the promises I made on our wedding day, to be by your side, To support you, to be a loving husband, to be always there to annoy you—" Sol laughed, remembering his one-liner during their exchange of wedding vows. "To always wake and sleep beside you whenever I can, and to never leave your side." They both smiled at each other and Joon Hwi placed a kiss on her forehead. They pull each other close, feeling each other's warmth. And Sol is now close to slumber, fatigued after her nonstop crying.

"I'll be the happiest father to our child. Of course I will, you're the mother, after all."

[facultyloungecosplay]

crisis anon-i'm really worried about college. I've been told that nothing is set in stone and i know that's true but it's so hard to imagine what to do with my life. The only thing i'm passionate about is art but i don't feel particularly good at it and it never has a deeper meaning than drawing characters that i like. i know i need to improve before i can make it into an art school but can barely find the time to draw let alone do studies that will specifically help me improve. i feel like im stuck in a loop and don't know what to tell myself without spiraling. i'm not a bad student, there are other things i could do and keep art as a hobby but i don't want to be stuck doing something i'll be miserable in

Good morning, Crisis Anon.

The good news is that I can, as someone inching ever closer to A Certain Age, confirm that nothing is set in stone. I find at 35 I have considerably more idea of who I am and what I want than I did at 25, and that perhaps College Freshman Oz was something of a naïve idiot. But that’s really not the case. The thing is, as with all skills, Life Itself takes time and practice to get right. Freshman Oz did the best he could at the time, and he did some rather amazing things! Some things, mistakes I poignantly can see now as being a mistake, are just that. Decisions made hastily, or in worry, or by simply not listening to myself.

And that’s where I try to keep my mistakes – in the past. As someone who has been in your shoes – uncertain of what I wanted to do with my life – I too have had sleepless nights panicked about whether my college career was where it needed to be. Did I choose the right major? Did I choose the right emphasis in my major?

But I have more good news: it’s so easy to change majors. It’s easy to change your mind. I must have gone to my college’s admissions building half a dozen times in six years (because I chose to double-major, eventually) and filled out the form to adjust my path (this was before computers streamlined the process, Lord help me). I chose a major that would Pay Well, that I had reasonable interest in. I also chose a major based on sheer passion. Today, and every day in my current life, I use my degree born of passion.

But that’s not how it started, anon. I worked myself into a degree I didn’t necessarily want, because it was Expected of me and Pays Well. If I’m perfectly honest, it was a mistake. A pretty big one. College Oz didn't see that for a lot of reasons, and that's okay. It was, at the time, a good decision made for good reasons, and for other reasons, simply didn't work out for me.

And now, nearing A Certain Age, I’m starting over in a lot of ways, but for the first time in a long while, I feel like I truly see what my path is. (At least, I hope it’s mine!) It’s okay if you don’t see your way yet. A good amount of us go to college, get a degree, and stumble into amazing careers that may have nothing to do with your studies. Nothing is set in stone.

This isn’t to say it’s easy, or something irrational to worry about. It’s perfectly rational. But it’s not permanent if you don’t want it to be. If you try a trendy new haircut and it looks awful, you’re allowed to be disappointed. Take time to process, to grieve that what you wanted didn't work out. Those are valid feelings, and honoring them is healthy. There will be some awkwardness, sadness, some cringing in the mirror, before it grows back out and you try something else. But it will grow back. Mistakes are powerful things, anon. They can, if you let them, create powerful transitions in your life. They can clarify, teach, mature us. They are both an inevitable part of our lives, and often moments of extreme poignancy. But they aren't death sentences. Your choices now, while they may even strongly affect your future, won’t destroy your future. It's up to you to let your choices, good and bad, transform you.

In a lot of ways, college is defining for more than our career interests. A lot of us find ourselves there, or at least begin to. Being patient and kind with ourselves while we work that out is no small favor. Just because you've left high school and become an Adult doesn't mean you need to know everything now. It's okay not to know.

I can’t tell you what you need to do, and I shouldn’t. This is, after all, your life. While I look back and see vividly how I should have immediately pursued my passion career, I can’t say if that’s the future you want or need to be happy. What I can advise is this: jump into new and old interests of any sort. You’ll have your general education credits to do, and it’s a perfect time to see what clicks and what doesn’t. Take art classes even if you think you’re not good enough. Find a good faculty advisor and visit them often. Ask questions (as a former teacher, ask! there are absolutely no stupid questions). Focus on the immediate future – classes you’re considering for the next term, finding a balanced stride between studies and all else – and let the rest go, just for a little bit.

Don’t wear the whole weight of your future on your shoulders right now, anon. Don't put the pressure of being perfect on yourself. It's one of the cruelest things we do to ourselves while we're growing and learning. Future You will be able to handle that in time, and they’ll do a better job of it if you extend some kindness to yourself now.

[stanharu]

beastars episode 24 thoughts!

this post got kinda long i have Many Thoughts on this one

Overall I had fun watching this ep but I could really tell it was rushed and there was so much that got cut, which makes me super sad. our fears about the finale having pacing issues due to all the added scenes & rearranging were confirmed & it rly sucks, but i'll elaborate more on that in a bit.

this week's ep covered the end of chapter 92, chapters 93-97, and included small bits of chapters 98 & 99.

so the ep starts with the ED and the latter part of the tunnel scene with ibuki and louis. i liked the visual effect they used to show that they were in the dark. louis' voice acting was also On Point. for the most part i think this scene was done pretty well but I can tell it's being rushed also. I really wish we got more buildup and narration instead of just jumping straight to ibuki telling louis to shoot him. the way it is in the anime feels less impactful imo.

also im sad we didnt get to see this in the anime

before i move on, i wanna talk a bit about louis and his relationship w/ the shishigumi and ibuki. i feel like in the anime quite a few of the lil moments that really endear you to the shishigumi and also ibuki were either cut or kinda glossed over, which is strange to me considering how much effort and care went into the ED. it's very emotional and good but i feel like maybe anime onlies are missing out only seeing the anime and the MV. but idk.

legosi and riz's fight was quite rushed as well. there's so much narration and dialogue missing from it and that really rubs me the wrong way. It wasn't all bad but compared to the manga I just don't think it's as good. I will say tho that I really liked the sequence w legosi and the moths. I thought it looked really nice and was pretty well done.

also i liked how the backgrounds had some anti-yahya graffiti, its a nice touch imo

it says "high quality horse meat"

I was happy to see legosi do the "tell me more" pose but I'm honestly disappointed that the anime took out the whole exposition about why legosi did it. like i feel like without that it's just legosi being weird when he has a reason for it!!! This is just one example of the anime taking out crucial narration during the fight.

I also think it's kinda weird how they changed how louis shows up at the fight. im not sure how i feel about riz just charging at him like that, but i liked how legosi kicked him before they ran lol.

i dont have much to say about pina's small scene but I did wanna say that during my first watch thru of the ep i was too distracted trying to read the graffiti behind him that i didn't notice him getting his phone out of the dumpster and calling the cops lmao

it says "devour yahya"

and now... here we are... the predation scene.

overall i thought it was pretty well done but, like the rest of the ep, i could tell it was also being kinda rushed. some important beats werent given enough time to really sink in, and there's a few bits of narration taken out of this part as well that i find disappointing :^(

tho i did like how the anime called back to this scene in s1 when legosi mentions utilizing his strength.

also this part where louis is remembering ibuki had me like😭

I also really liked seeing louis cry. I was crying too sjdflskjdflsjkdf. i thought that scene was really good, its prolly my favorite part of the ep tbh. getting to hear the whole predation scene voiced made me kind of a mess lol. i really liked louis' expressions throughout this whole ep too. studio orange used their whole louis expression budget on these last 2 eps lmao.

seeing legosi instantly get all beefed up was great too. he looked a little ridiculous but i kinda loved it lol. he's so huge and poofy. i love him.

big pomeranian

anyway, im also sad they took out louis' line about being reduced to a flashback character lol. instead he tells legosi "be a hero" again which... im not sure about that change. i liked the part with riz thinking back about tem tho. tho imo the way riz realizes he's in the wrong feels pretty sudden. again adding to how rushed the whole ep feels.

before i move on again i just wanna say legosi looks so cute. even all puffed up and covered in blood. how does he do that

baby boy baby. i wanna ruffle his cheek floofs.

i think one of the things im most disappointed about from this whole ep was how the fight got wrapped up. i really like how the cops show up and totally shift the tone in the manga jslkdfjskljdf. im also really sad we didnt get this interaction

tthe anime really took out most of the sillier moments from the finale, which makes me pretty sad to think about. i know the anime and manga have different tones but pls let the boys be silly sometimes!!

the next part where legosi and louis finally establish their friendship was really cute tho ❤️ even tho it was pretty different i enjoyed it a lot.

BABIESSSS 🥺😭❤️❤️

the wrap-up for this arc and this episode gave me whiplash sdjlfkjsdf. it literally speedruns thru legosi's predation conviction, being released, louis & haru's graduation, and legosi deciding he's going to drop out of school. that is SO MUCH AT ONCE. also i was holding out hope that legosi would have his new years call with haru after the fight instead but that didnt happen!! so it just got cut!!! kinda mad about that tbh. legosi and haru having a lil scene at the very end made up for it a lil bit but that's still one of haru's few moments in this arc that's just not included.

we didnt even get the part wher legosi learns he can't marry haru bc of his conviction.

ive been really hoping for a season 3 announcement once this season ended. with all the background allusions to yahya, the added plot point of someone stealing elephant tusks, and sebun and melon's lil cameos in this season, it seemed to me that studio orange was kinda teasing a 3rd season. but now, with the dismissive way the anime ended, and paru's note from earlier today, im less sure about the possibility of a 3rd season. i'd still like to see the rest of the series animated, but i guess we'll just have to wait and see if more anime is announced in the future.

if we do get another season in the future i just hope that we swing back around and actually address the things that got completely glossed over in the last couple minutes of this episode instead of charging forward w/o touching them again.

i really think the finale for this arc should've been two episodes at least. not including the tunnel scene. i think then things wouldn't have felt so rushed. people have been saying this season really would have benefitted from at least 1 extra episode and i cant help but agree. some have even suggested a whole 24 episodes just for this arc, but i think that this arc couldve been done properly with 12 or 13 episodes if there was some better prioritizing on what to include and what to cut.

like i dont mind not getting the parts about legosi's family if they can be addressed somehow in a future season (or if theres no more future anime seasons thats a plot thread that doesnt have to be worried about). i could have lived w/o seeing sheila & peach's chapter animated if it meant more time for the focus of this arc. and was the kangaroo red herring really necessary?

adaptation wise, i dont think this season was as good as the first. i still think it did fairly well, but i know that it could have been much better. ive been excited to watch this season with my friends once the dub releases, but now im wondering if i should just tell them to read the manga instead. sighs idk. perhaps it comes thru better as a bingewatch, or perhaps im being a bit too harsh. idk. at some point ill do a rewatch and see how i feel about the season as a whole, but that wont be for a while.

if you've read this far, thanks for reading my ramblings!! it's been fun to make these posts every week and im gonna miss getting new episodes every week.

[writing-for-me-at-this-point]

The Missing Guardian | Prologue: Act I Scene II | Mondstadt: The Outlander Who Caught The Wind

A.N. yay! second chapter! hope you guys enjoy and sorry for any typos! this chapter is also a day late :/ sorry again about that. im currently going through a lot family wise, but i wanted this to come out as soon as i could get it out. in compensation, you guys have another birthday character coming out and hopefully the first i love you prompt :D anyways, enjoy!

Word Count. 2,213 words

Page Count. 6.5 pages

TWarnings. cursing 

Synopsis. When you’ve finally found a home in a set of twins who travel across worlds, setting out to enjoy your time with them; learning everything you could while traveling from world to world. But this time was different, because this time, someone stood in your way from continuing forward, from going home. You watched as your family was torn from you once again, leaving you stuck in a world alone with only a guide, the memories of a life long left behind, and the hope of finding them once again.

[ Series Masterlist: The Missing Guardian Mini Masterlist ]

[ previous ] [ Act I Scene II ] [ next scene ]

        You smiled as your gaze looked out the window, the eternal abyss staring back as it was littered with the misty colors of turquoise, lavender, and many shades of rose- stars littering the rest of the scene in front of you. You leaned your head against the metal framing of the window, your hair cushioning you comfortably as thoughts sat still in your mind, your body calm as well.

        How long has it been since you were on the ship?

        "Hey kid, don't sleep with your neck like that- you'll mess it up" Quills voice rang out, but it sounded far away, muffled. You didn't know if it was cause of your tiredness or your spaced out state, but you couldn't seem to care by that point. You felt thick gloves move around your neck, the other moving under your knees, before a huff and some grumbling.

        "I don't know what you'll do without us, but even then," He sighed, carrying your body to the closest area where you could rest properly under his gaze, on the plush rest area in the cabin, allowing him to navigate the stars while keeping you near- though he'd vehemently denied it at any and every comment about it, the Guardian had grown attached to you, finding a child in you where you found a father in him.

        "I don't think I want you leaving the nest so soon."

        "As we all know, poetry and language flow like the wind. There'll definitely be someone there who knows about your friends. At least, that's what Paimon thinks!" Your guide chimed, hovering in front of you as you both made your way down the side of the hill, the vibrant and thick greens of the grass and trees were only further complimented by the sun- this place definitely was beautiful. You didn't feel warm, or overheated, which surprised you, especially with how bright the sun was. The cool breeze was constant in this place, giving an Autumn chill to a Spring setting, at this rate you'd think you'd need your body suit to warm you up.

        "Whether the gods actually answer you is a different story. You never know unless you try. So let's hop to it!" You can practically feel her smile, her small head turning back to you, Paimon's small body bouncing up at how you were listening to her so intently. By the time you reached the statue, she started to cross again, having the privilege of floating while you... did not.

        "You can swim right over! Don't push yourself though!" 

        "Let's just hope I don't sink with all the gear I have... or get electrocuted." You joked, walking into the water till your hot waist level, deciding at that point swimming was best.

        "W-what? Don't just jump in then!" She shouted, still loud as ever in that tiny body of hers, floating above you with a worried look on her face.

        "I'm fine, I'm fine. My gear is all waterproof, so there isn't an issue there." You huffed, climbing onto the shore of the tiny island before shaking off the water and straining what you could, lightening your load as much as allowed. 

        "See? All good."

        "Well don't joke like that! Paimon doesn't know what she'll do if anything happens to you... Paimon doesn't even wanna think about it!" She exclaims, a hand to her head, her face still concerned. You sighed, a small smile coming to your face before you took a small hand into your own, rubbing the soft skin to soothe her.

        "Alright. I'm sorry about that joke, I won't make any of those types again, alright? I'm not going anywhere. Not without you, Paimon." You smiled, sincerity in your voice, making her smile and nod her head.

        "Good! Paimon’ll make sure to keep that in mind for the future."

        "I'll hold you to it." You smirked, walking up to the statue, finding interest in the large golden plate. You reached out, taking the glove off your hand to get a proper feel of the metal, before taking a step back in shock. The statues' indentations lit up and aquamarine, the one you were so used to seeing outside of terrestrial planes, before a deep thump resounded in your head- much like a heartbeat. A small swirl of wind danced around the statue before the orb held in place started to glow, small particles combing in the center before forming a small sigil with wings that flew straight towards your chest.

        You felt a rush of cool air through your veins, like an excitement you couldn't explain, whips of teal surrounding your body as you could only take another step back and look to your uncovered hand to see for any physical changes as well- to which there were none. But you felt something. In your chest, your heart, something that was stirring and it didn't seem to slow down.

        "Ooh! Did you just feel the elements of the world?" Paimon asked, allowing you to turn and face her, your face still showing a stunned expression from... whatever that was.

        "Seems all you had to do was just touch the statue and you got the power of Anemo! As much as they may want it, people in this world can never get a hold of powers as easily as you..." She explained, crossing her arms over the matter, an idea popping into your head at the same time.

        "I think I might know why-"

        "Ah-ha, it's because you're not from this world to begin with. If we keep heading West from here, we'll eventually reach Mondstadt, the City of Freedom. Mondstadt is the city of wind because they worship the God of Anemo." She cuts you off, making you only hum at the action, allowing her to continue.

        "So perhaps, because you got the power from the God of Anemo, you can find some clues there. There are also lots of bards there, so perhaps one of them has heard news of your friends." 

        "That isn't a bad idea, Paimon." You smiled, thankful she was so serious and straightforward with helping you find the twins, something that seemed to be floating around in your head as you took in everything from this new world. She was like an anchor to keep you grounded, and for that, you were extremely thankful to her- beyond words.

        "Let's move then!" Obviously happy with your praise at her deduction and planning, though simple, it was a good and steady start- and that's what you needed at this moment.

        "The elements in this world responded to your prayers and Paimon thinks that's a lovely sign." She finished, her gaze reaching behind you as some Slimes approached, eyes wide at the intrusion by the elemental mutants. You followed her gaze, finding the flaming creatures to be bouncing right in your direction, your surprise evident on your face.

        "Ah, shit." You grumbled, taking a few steps back, your arm starting to stir up with energy. It felt like when you drank too much coffee, to the point where even your limbs were vibrating, wisps of turquoise enveloping your palm on instinct. The small slime soon was sucked into the vortex you had made, swirling around before getting blasted away, back onto the land- over the lake and away from you.

        "Ugh, gross." You winced, noticing the slime that coated the land in front of you, and your dominant hand. Wiping your hand, you decided it was best to swim to the other side of the lake, following Paimon as you escaped the burning grasses. You could only laugh as she huffed about wanting "cool fighting powers" as well, reaching the end of the lake and making your way further in.

        "You know, it may not be a blessing. Usually powers like these have consequences..." You said, wringing out your hair as the wind started to pick up, but this time it wasn’t by your own hand.

        "You shouldn't say that! These powers are a blessing from the Archons and for that you should be grateful! They'd never allow anything bad to happen to the people they've blessed with their own two hands." A low rumble started to echo through the area, making you turn your body and look around for what was causing it as you continued your talk with Paimon.

        "I get that... but still, usually the Gods and whatever powerful beings there are have some type of plan along with it- at least that's how it worked in my world."

        "Then maybe you should consider our world works differently?" She quips her head.

        "A god is a god." You huffed, the rumbling becoming louder before a dragon caught your vision, making you gasp in awe. Six wings, four limbs, a large tail, and decorated in patterns of blues that made it almost blend with the sky if its wings didn't hold an ethereal glow, a white underbelly contrasted with the rest of its body.

        "Wow! What is that? There's something huge in the sky!"

        "You guys have dragons here?" You exclaimed, walking in its direction to where it flew, making sure to lower your output of noise due to the camps that were littered nearby with humanoid creatures.

        "It's heading to the heart of the forest, where we're going, so make sure to be careful." Paimon notes, keeping up with your pace as you jogged into the forest, collected some things along the way that could help in the future. By the time you had reached the forest, you slowed your pace to a comfortable walk, looking around and making sure not to run into anything aggressive- or the dragon you two had just seen.

        Maybe it continued flying anyways?

        "Huh? Look at that." Paimon pointed in front of the both of you, the grumbling appearing once again.

        You were wrong.

        Moving to hide behind one of the larger trees, you pressed your back against it before slowly turning your head to look at the scene in front of you, still making sure to keep your noise at the bare minimum. The dragon from before was standing before you, almost cautious of the person that stood before them, a short man dressed in turquoise and white, holding his hands outward to the dragon before him.

        "Don't be afraid. It's alright now, I'm back." He spoke gently, ignoring the dangerous growls coming from the beast in front of him. It made you worry at the sight and activate the mask that was embedded into your earpiece, still watching as Paimon spoke up.

        "Is he talking... to a dragon?" She questioned, right as your palms lit up with the Anemo power you had just gained, a glowing pattern forming as it burst with life, alerting the dragon and scaring it away with a scream of displeasure. 

        "Who's there?" The man questioned as he jumped back, his gaze in your direction before taking a few steps back, disappearing in a glow of light. Your hair felt like it was about to be yanked out as the dragon flapped its wings before taking off, leaving you dazed at what had just happened, and headache from the harsh tug. You stood there in shock for a bit, not saying anything as your hand buzzed and fizzled out, focusing on calming down your heart rate- deactivating your mask to breathe better as well.

        "That was close! Paimon almost got blown away!" Your guide yelped. "Luckily Paimon managed to grab a hold of your hair! Thanks." She smiled, handed over her heart, and you felt your energy drain immensely in the moment.

        "Good thing you didn't pull my hair out." You sighed, rubbing the aching spot to soothe your head as Paimon continued to speak, you following closely behind.

        "This definitely has something to do with that weirdo who was talking to the dragon..." She trailed off.

        "Is... that normal? Talking to dragons?" You asked, confusion written on your face, wanting to know if this was a common occurrence in this world.

        "Of course not. But what's that? There's some kind of shiny red thingy on the rock over there." She pointed out. You both walked over to look at the glowing item, her warnings falling on deaf ears as Paimon spoke about never seeing anything like this before, making unable to help in this specific situation. 

        "Let's keep this, just in case." You mumbled, your bare hands picking up the gem(?) with ease before packing it into your belt, tucked away safely and unable to escape.

        "Good idea, now let's get out of here." 

        "Agreed." You nodded, deciding to stroll through the forest for a bit, both to rest and catch up on your thoughts, maybe ask Paimon more about this world and how it worked- so you don't seem like a bumbling idiot to the locals. But before you could do any of that, a yell came from behind you, rushed footsteps following at the same time.

        "You there! Stop right there!" A girl yelled, jumping across your field of vision off the small pass, dressed in red and white with long brown hair, rolling as she hit the ground before coming back up to a stand. 

        "..."

        "Are you fucking kidding me?"

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon back with a worked out timeline! And Misstressoffandoms sorry im responding so late! I completely missed your reply. Thats what I ended up doing but im hoping to eventually be able to completely copy those eailer asks and put them on my notes app.

When this gets a major update I'll resend if you want me too.

CURRENT AGES! (When they left Subbin)

Ran-19

Ranbob-26 (Previously 28 but decided to change it a bit, decided I didn't like the 9 year age difference between the brothers)

Watson-33 (Previously 35 but decided to change it a bit)

Jackie-16

Grievous-22

Benjamin-30

Cletus-24

Charles-25 (Previously 27 but decided to change it)

Isaac-29

CURRENT TIME LINE! (THIS IS NOT INDEPTH AND IS INSTEAD INTENDED TO GIVE A BRIEF SUMMARY OF EVERYTHING, DETAILS MAY BE CHANGED DEPENDING ON WHATS ADDED)

-Dream gets control of Ranbob and uses him to basically commit genocide in Mizu, Ran barely escapes. 

-After living alone for 6 years Ran arrives in Subbin, takes part in the Pit tournament, and gains a family. At the same time the fishermen find and rescue Ranbob, bringing him to their home.

-2 years past with Ranbob recovering and having a haunting, and Ran fighting while spending time with his own haunting. 

-Isaac manages to convince his group to go to Subbin even though Ranbob is a bit nervous, the fishermen join The Pit for the promise of money and fun. Ranbob gets pinned against Ran (doesnt know its Ran) and sees the King of The Hill is on with Ran at the top. Ranbob climbs up to see Ran there, he is shocked and approaches him with weapon dropped and shaking, Ran kicks him off the edge. Ranbob slams his head into the ground and dislocates his shoulder, rises up to see the King of The Hill dropping. Ranbob tries to talk to Ran only for Ran to run to him and slam him into the ground, yelling at and threatening him. He carries him over to the edge of the arena and at this point Porkius calls off the fight and the fishermen and Gladiators enter the arena to seperate them. Ran cursing out Ranbob as he gets dragged away. Ranbob gets treated in the medical wing as Ran storms about and the two groups talk and match everything up.

-Weeks past with incredible tension in the air. They decide that taking a trip may help and after getting approval from Porkius, manage to convince Ranbob and trick Ran to come along.

-After agurements and tense moments while in a carriage, they get out and walk to their next destination. A flower biome. Where they manage to relax and have fun for a few days before moving on.

-Next Watson leads them to a nearby waterfall he found with a tunnel behind it, the brothers get water splashed on them by Isaac and Jackie being idiots, and from dripping water in the cave, leaving Ran with burns to his neck and hands, while Ranbob has burns to his cheeks and also to his neck. The burns fade quickly with help of burn cream Watson brought with. 

-After they pass the tunnel they see a shattered Savanna, and decide to travel through it. Tension ramps up when both Grievous and Cletus almost fall off halfway up a mountain, and when Rans scowling and growling end up sending Ranbob so far away from him he almost walks off the edge. 

-Watson says the Savanna is to dangerous and leads them to a nearby roofed forest, where they have their first run in with Raq and learn that Ran is still being hunted. 

-After 3 morw run-ins with Raq they move to another forest, this time Oak, and stumble upon a village, where they stop for supplies. This is also where they learn of Kelalen, but the librarian they learned it from dismisses them as lunatics and to avoid them. Upon pressing for more info they find out it was like Mizu, to which Ranbob shows interest and excitement.

-They move on to a Tagia biome where everyone attempts to tame a wolf and fails, expect Charles, Watson, and Ran. Charles gets 4 dogs from this and is very happy.

-While running to shelter in a cave from a thunderstorm, the brothers lag behind the rest, and start to badly agure. At the end Ran shouts something that makes Ranbob stop, stare at him with teary eyes, and run away. Ran almost goes after him but doesnt and instead goes to tell the others. While Ranbob finds another smaller cave to hide it, and after some harsh words, everyone goes searching for him. Leaving Ran alone and leaving him with his guilt ridden, horrible feeling, and merciless mind

-They get Ranbob to come back to find Ran gone, at first almost no one wants to go after him. Saying how it's all his fault. But eventually they agree to look for him after the storm has passed. Its a full day until the storm passes and the gladiators have become very worried for Ran. 

-When they finally look for him, it takes them hours to find him. And they only find him when there's a sudden shout through the woods, leading them to Raq mid-attack on Ran, taking advantage of his distraction of being lost in his own mind. Sadly their a bit late and aren't able to save Ran from a blindness potion. But are able to chase Raq away. Ran suffers due to the potion, and everyone is distressed.

-3 days pass until they manage to collect themselves up enough to move, after Ranbob said that he believes the town of Kelalen is nearby, he believes traveling there is worth the risk.

-It takes a week to travel to Kelalen and at first they get turned away, before Lucia recognizes some features of Ranbob and feels bad turning them away when Ran is blind. So they get brought in and Ran gets cured. 

-They stay in Kelalen for 4 weeks (minimum, may be more later on, im actually thinking along the lines of months) where they learn more about everything and Foolish who is particularly interesting. And after a while and long conversations they say goodbye and continue on to their next biome, a snow biome.

-While in the snow biome they meet a particular old enderman who used to live with members of the SMP. He reveals his name as Edward and upon meeting Ran and Ranbob he makes the connection with them to Ranboo. And starts to happily tell stories and teach lessons. But when Ran leaves to go to bed, Edward reveals that Ran does love Ranbob, but is struggling with his own nightmares that make it hard for him to show it to Ranbob. Who hesitates believing him, but eventually does. From here on Ranbob looks at and thinks of Ran in a different view. 

-After the snow biome theres no real destination next on their list, so they decide to just explore. 

-3 months past before something interesting happens. Whenever they come across a village Jackie has formed a habit of asking them about Foolish, as he took a interest in him. And he eventually gets a village that goes "Yes Foolish is that way." And he excitedly drags everyone else with him to meet Foolish. 

-They get to Foolish's home and start exploring. Jackie is alone when Foolish confronts him and Jackie brings him to the others. Foolish isn't exactly nice at first but warms up upon seeing the brothers again, as he's reminded of Ranboo. Hes informed about Dream and he is horrified to learn that and offers his help, they decline beliving themselves already free of Dream. Just before the group leaves Foolish gives them access to his armoury, saying how he feels like they'll need it. Before Ran can leave Foolish gives him a special totem of undying, saying he truly means he'll help, and that he feels they may face Dream again. Foolish tells Ran to break it when they need help and he'll be summoned to them. Ran leaves disturbed.

-2 years have passed with the group and brothers getting closer, along with occasional attacks from Raq and other hunters. They head back to Subbin. Their goal of getting the brothers closer achieved. Their still not as close as they used to be, but their close enough they can joke around, be left in the same room together alone without someone being stabbed, and even hug. Though Ran still hasnt fully forgiven Ranbob yet, but he's trying his best. Their on their way back to Subbin when nightmares between the two start ramping up, and Ranbobs episodes where he tries to run back to Dream are also on the rise. Everyone is starting to suspect something is happening but isn't sure what and so try to move on. When next Raq attack he brings back up again, this time instead of focusing on Ran, they focus on Ranbob. When Raq is defeated and finally caught, they ask why, and Raq reveals that theres a person who put a high bounty on Ranbob. Raq dies from Ran and Cletus.

-Ranbob fears its Dream, the others comfort him saying Dream can't escape Mizu. Their wrong.

-They finally get to Subbin and things are normal for a while, until Porkius reveals that Ranbob probably shouldn't be alone for a while. When asked why he reveals that the bounty on Ranbob has been put back up in Subbin, although he's going as fast as he can to nullify it. Benjamin, Charles, and Watson go to the local bar where bounties are put. And sure enough there's one for Ranbob there.

-When they get back Ran reveals what Foolish told him about facing Dream. They realizie Dream somehow got out and is hunting Ranbob down. Ranbob is terrified but they manage to comfort him. And they come to the conclusion they need to fight Dream. They spend months preparing and training for it. 

-(This is the end bit and has yet to be fully figured out. So it'll be added in at a later time.)

Notes: During the whole time traveling, unless specified, Ran and Ranbob are far away from each other. Ran tending to be in the very front of the group with Ranbob in the very back. And whenever Ranbob got close to a gladiator Ran would growl at him to back off. 

If you have any questions feel free to ask! (And if I missed anything please tell me so I can add it)

And I wanna check, am I still ok to send these?- to like talk about my au or no?- I'm afraid I've overstayed my welcome honestly and if I did I dont want to annoy you and will stop! And if you still don't mind, is there anything you want me to change? In general?

This’ll be helpful for the future! Also, Charles has four dogs, that’s adorable. 

Of course you’re okay to send ‘em, I love reading these things! 

I will never be annoyed about getting to see someone’s cool ideas and see how they choose to build on them. That sort of thing is awesome, and I love seeing it, your AU most certainly a favorite in that like. Send as many as you’d like, and I’ll be all the happier for it.

[lifeofbouyd]

Hospital Fight

Ever sat and laughed about shit that happened to you in the past. That's me every day; so much drama I don't even know how it got myself wrapped up in. I guess I haven't been living my life right but you can't blame me. It takes two to mingle and most the people I dated only dated me because they heard I was a hoe or because I was popular. Most these chicks already had a boyfriend or two; some even had a girlfriend. I remember dodging bottles at a party once because I was dating a lesbo and her chick found out, I've jumped fences, hid in closets and even had to leave certain locations in a hurry to save my life. If I was to tell people about my life they'd say it's a lie and to be honest; if I didn't know me I wouldn't believe it either.

I remember dengue was becoming a plague and killing a whole lot of people when I was in school. I prayed daily not to catch this sickness cause I didn't wanna die or maybe it was because I still had fresh chicks that I hadn't scored with yet; I can't really decide now that I think about it. I went to see my mom one evening and while I was there I started feeling I'll. I had every symptom for this death sickness and I sure as hell wasn't ready to go yet. If I did Y'all wouldn't even know half the things you know now; I guess everything does happen for a reason. I got admitted as soon as the doctor realized how sick i was. Word spread fast about my illness. It spread so fast that they had to be pushing visitors out the next day. Most my friends, family, current and X girlfriends showed up to support me in my time of need. As happy as I was I knew it wouldn't be long before shit started between these chicks . Being on my sick bed meant that all my girlfriends we're gonna come see me and that right there had drama written all over it. For the first day everyone got along, it seemed they were more concerned about my wellbeing. They took the liberty of introducing themselves without titles as if they all wanted to see who would say they're my girlfriend to start some shit. Every time someone else came, everyone stared at each other then stared at me. I could only imagine what they were saying; I bet he's banging her too, who’s this bitch?. The room was tense, you could feel the heat fuming from these girls. Everyone was silent while they killed each other with their eyes; they stared from head to toes and from toes to head. I was nervous as hell. Please god, don’t let them start shit.

Nurse: It's time for an injection Mr. Smith. Ladies can you move to one side so I can get to do this please? They moved slowly as if they didn't want to move. Which of these girls is your girlfriend Mr smith?

Me: 😮🤦‍♂️

Girls: 😳

Nurse: They all look nice. Which one of you is his girlfriend?

Sher: Im his girlfriend

Sammy: Excuse me. I’m his girlfriend

Janae: I guess we’re all his girlfriend

Nurse: Mr. smith that’s not very nice of you. You’re playing with these girls.

Me: Is this necessary, I just want to rest and get this sickness over with. Who’s gonna bathe me?

Girls: Mi

Nurse: 😄 is this a joke?

I laid there as these chicks argued over who’s gonna bathe me. Everyone on the ward was watching as it was days of our lives or bold and beautiful. This jumpy nurse had erupted an unwanted argument 🤦‍♂️. Why the hell did I get sick, why this nurse up in my business and why the hell do I have so many girls?. Eventually they ushered them and I had to call the helper to bathe me. She couldn’t help but laugh when she got there; she found fun in my pain and misery.

It was like this for another day or two as these girls had decided they’re not giving up. I had thought I lost them all but that just made it more intense. These girls started being friends when they realized they were all gonna be there till I got out. One day 3 girls came together and we were all having fun; talking about my dick and how I am . Lost in the conversation I didn’t realize my official girlfriend had walked in. I had mentioned her a few times to these girls but they’ve never seen her before; I guess her uniform gave her away. This girl was already 6 feet tall with the body of a grown woman; everyone went silent.

Tanya: Who are these girls?

Me: 😰 ask them 😬

Tanya: Who are you girls, I’m his girlfriend Tanya.

Chrissy: I’m Chrissy, this is Shaunagay and this is Amelia.

Tanya: what are you to Bouyd?

Surprisingly everyone said friend 😯 I guess they were threatened by her size or maybe it was respect for my relationship. I was scared as hell. She didn’t stay long as she had somewhere to be. By the time she left several other girls came calming to be my girlfriend. Even girls I didn’t know I was dating. It’s as i was having my own series of Teacher’s pet.

The jumpy nurse came to inject me as always with her million questions. It was time for me to bathe and this time they agreed on who’s gonna bathe me but they also agreed no one touches the dick 🙄. How can a guy bathe and not wash his dick, that made no sense to me but to them it was death before dishonour. They had a dick stand off, literally 😂. They took me to the bathroom and got me undressed; as sick as I was several thoughts ran through my mind at that time. I considered this a perfect orgy setting; four of my girls with me in the bathroom, who do I bang first?. I’m my mind my dick was hard as velarían steel but when I looked at it, it seemed more like a dead snake to me 😂. It was just hanging there.

Mellisa: So this is the dick we all here for?. Doesn’t seem like much to me.

Janell: Shut up and bathe him or I’ll fuck you up.

Keachia: I thought we all agreed not to mention his dick. After all I’m the only one here getting it.

Me: 🤦‍♂️

Shan: We’ve had sex once

Mellisa: So I guess I’m the only one he hasn’t fucked. She grabbed it as if she wanted to pull it from the root. Why did you fuck them and not me?

By the time I could even say a word she received a straight right across the face. Janell landed the first punch; “I told you to shut up”. Mellisa isn’t the kind of girl who backs down from no one, so I knew shit was gonna get bloody. Mellisa dived on Janell and they started wrestling; throwing punches, scratches and pulling each other’s hair. The other girls stood there watching them fight. All hell broke loose when Mellisa threw a jug of water on Janell. All three girls including me got wet. Instantly Shan joined in and attacked Mellisa, that’s when I got scared. I was leaned against the corner of the shower hardly able to walk much less in any state to part a fight. They were like lions fighting for a piece of meat. They kicked, punched, scratched and pulled each other. I had to do something. Keachia stepped out when Shan joined in. I tried parting the fight only to be pushed down. Blood started spraying all over the place. It seemed someone got stabbed.

I screamed (((nurse, nurse, nurse))) as loud as I could. They came rushing to the bathroom instantly. The security had to be called to separate them. By the time they got there blood was all over the place. we all thought it was one of the girls bleeding but on checking we realized the drip was pulled out and that’s where the blood was coming from. The security tossed them out and told them never to come back as they’ve being nothing but a disgrace to their uniform and to me the man they claim they love. They praised me, as if I was king and I was doing something good. They had no idea how terrified I was, I legit shit my pants that day watching them fight. Neither of these girls was my girlfriend nor was I their “right out man”. What if my girlfriend hears this, what if this causes us to break up, is it even worth it, do these chicks even love me or is it just the dick?. After all, I sure ain’t no Mandingo so what the hell were they fighting for. I laid on my bed looking in the ceiling thinking about what just happened; I couldn’t help but smiling to myself even though I felt bad. I didn’t even bother to mention this to my friends as this was too much drama and they were the kind of friends who would mock these girls day and night. I couldn’t mention it to my girlfriend cause she would surely break my neck 😂. I broke up with all the girls except my girlfriend once I got out tying to avoid the drama. But even so drama has followed me through out my life. I still winded up fucking Mellisa and to be honest I wish I could take it back. This chick had more bad luck than Professor Doofenshmirtz 🤦‍♂️. I met in an accident, lost my phone, got robbed and got kicked off the badminton team just because I was fucking her. Soon as we broke up shit went back to normal.

Eventually I cut them all off, but that only created room for much more drama I wasn’t even ready for. That experience had taught me a life lesson; never get admitted and if you do, only tell your girlfriend 😂. This way there won’t be a fight at your hospital bed. Through out my remaining time in high school I avoided being admitted but there was always an altercation between women. I guess Some habits die hard. But no need to worry future wife, I’m a changed man today and you’ll see that someday.

[searchingformylostpan]

It makes me feel ill to think about someone else being with you. I know why im not there right now and that shouldnt stop you from having someone else in your life, i just have this pit in my stomach thats gnawing at me, threatening to swallow me up. I know only time sober will allow you back in my life, but even then that pit will still be there, I'll still not be able to love you amd have it reciprocated...the pit is only growing stronger the longer im away from the drugs (used the last bit of dark Christmas eve, i need to toss the white but its my saftey net? If everything gets to be too much to handle and i get to the suicidal point again, i have no one to go to, i dont know of any healthy coping skills because all the ones i do know require wanting to live.) Everything hurts. I cant get my mind off of it no matter what im doing, its consuming me. I have never felt this hopeless about the future, before things could have always been worse. You said before everyone has their own bottom line of how far down theyll go. I passed mine a long time ago. I never wanted to let myself get this far down. A stupid impulsive decision to buy some dark one night was the turning point. Before that, i had it a few times, i definitely was already minorly hooked, but without the easy access i stayed in control of it. Well sorta. I wasnt spending all my money on it, i wasnt constantly using, i didnt have to worry about how bad it will hurt a couple days off of it. But it made the things that were hurting me that i thought i couldnt control (shocker i could have.) quiet down and i could feel ok for a little while. That quickly backfired on me. It made everything worse, it helped me to loose you, looking like forever at this rate, its made me not want to try to make my life better. It makes me complacent in the awful state my life is in, it takes away all the pain that would otherwise be motivating to change the situation. I thought my only option was stay or go. I didnt think there was a way to actually have you and only you. So when it was finally presented to me it seemed too good to be true. So my self sabotaging brain went and made it not a thing by reminding me of how the drugs will make all the doubts, fears, worries quiet down and let my mind relax. You were about as mentally drained as i was the few days before i ran away...i know you were so scared. We both were. Our communication had improved so much since last year i thought we had it down and wouldn't repeat the same patterns, yet instead of talking to eachother about what the real problems were i got in my own head and i could only think of one way out. The easy way out is temporary gratification. It makes you feel better quickly, but breifly. Then destroys everything good in its path. The harder way wouldnt have been easy in the moment, it would have been uncomfortable, made it hurt more for a moment maybe, but it would have ended with a lifetime of happiness and love. I always take the easy route, because its just that, easier. If i ever want some kind of real happiness and love back in my life, even a friendship with you...i have to take the hard way for once. I cant keep going on this path. It leads straight to under the bridge and thats about 1000 layers deeper than my personal low. Crawling out of this is gonna suck. Its going to be the worst ive ever felt, and i have to be alone for it now. Thats the main reason that im doubting myself...i have no one to go to for support when i need it, i have no one that will just be with me 24/7, i have no one checking in on what im doing. Right now its not that bad. By tonight, itll be not so good. I'm scared. Im scared that the reason i would fail will be 100% my own lack of self control and lack of ability to put in the work to actually improve my life. That involves some self love which right now is no where to be found. I just want to go into a coma for a month or 2 wake up and be out of this mess.