#in celebration of almost a month of testosterone :3

[obscenicon]

AND YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

[naiadnb]

i truly believe the trans community has got to start openly and loudly supporting detrans folks. i wanna share my story with y'all, and it is long and possibly triggering? and i say at least one nsfw thing. but i feel like a lot of trans people only ever see detrans stories weaponized against them, and therefore there's a good chunk of the trans community that has (understandably) a lot of vitriol towards detrans people. so since it's pride month, i wanted to talk a minute about being a nonbinary detrans person.

when i first started learning about trans and nonbinary identities, i knew pretty much immediately that i was nonbinary. i was in high school by the time i found out that you could be a different gender than the one on your birth certificate, and i was over the fucking moon. problem was, i was a homeschooled navy brat pastor's kid 3 for 1 combo and so my literal Only exposure to any world outside of patriarchal gender & sexuality norms was.... you guessed it! tumblr.

tumblr around 2013-2015 was a pretty weird and vitriolic place to be nonbinary. half the site claimed you were faking, the other half was trying to lure you in by spouting the weirdest genders on god's green earth. (i love y'all go wild with ur genders that's just not my brand of existence.) so like.... i picked a side? i decided when i was around 15 that being nonbinary was kinda cringe and from that point on i identified as a trans guy.

cue fighting with my parents for like 7 years about the whole existence of trans people, the idea that i was a trans people, this weird belief i had that i should have bodily autonomy, and this weird belief that they had that pretty much anything could be cured if you prayed hard enough (from anxiety to cancer to, surprise, transgenderism)

the only way i came out of that fight as myself was through transitioning. i very loudly expressed that i Would do what i wanted with my body, and they had no right to control me. when i started t shots, i was 19, and i loved it.

i was euphoric every time i got gendered correctly by a stranger, i celebrated the first time i shaved real beard hairs from my face, it was beautiful. genuinely. i was part of a community of other trans guys ("guys" here ranging from "100,000% binary ftm transsexual" to "transmasc nb who's just happy to be here") and we loved each other hard.

i think i started consciously having to push away real doubts about continuing to transition when i was pursuing top surgery. i really, truly, wasn't sure. but by that point, it felt almost expected of me from the one side, and absolutely forbidden on the other. and like, i don't know that i would have gone through with it if it was just our weird homoerotic groupthink, i was sick of my tits bc like. they're tits. they suck to live with regardless of how hot they are. i was sick and tired of choosing between binding (over ribs that had already been fractured at least once due to improper binding) or being misgendered. and i was exhausted of my parents telling me, at age 21, that i didn't have the right to do what i wanted with my body.

so i got top surgery. and, like, i was happy. but i think i knew i fucked up as soon as i woke up from the surgery. the surgeon didn't leave me with any areolas whatsoever, which i didn't think going in was even a possibility. and maybe this is trivial, but that sparked something in me that i was terrified to admit, and couldn't, until much later on: i felt dysphoria about not having my tits.

but like, i was committed to the bit, you know? i'd gotten used to being a guy, and it fit well enough, like a second-hand sweater. so i just kinda rode the wave as far as it would take me. i did my shots (with absolutely no regularity because through all 3 years i was on testosterone stabbing myself in the leg really never got less hard and scary) and if i was being real i would admit to myself that i was probably more transmasc than a trans *man*.

and then my brother died! of aforesaid cancer that my parents tried real hard to pray away. (to be clear, they also got him the best medical treatment they possibly could, they aren't full on religious nutjobs.) and, quite frankly, i hadn't realized before then how integral to my identity my brother was. (again, homeschooled military kid with exactly one similarly-aged person who was actually around for more than a couple years of my life.) it kinda broke the shell identity that i'd been hiding behind. i realized i had a responsibility to myself to be myself, and i just wasn't a fuckin trans guy.

so i stopped taking t, and i started opening myself up to dressing how i used to love dressing, before i got all truscummy. and i felt myself come back into my body a bit, for the first time in god only knows how long.

fast forward 3 (ish) long, godawful, miserable years of therapy and grief and more grief, and i'm a pretty well-adjusted nonbinary person. i have a wife and a 9-5 job and my creative drive has been returning in spades. but i'm still dysphoric about my tits. i miss them. i can't say whether i made a mistake in getting top surgery, because my mental health was so completely shot back then that it really might have saved my life in some way or other, but it feels like one now. they were pretty, and soft, and sensitive. i got my nipples pierced last year and literally could not feel it happening. i only have feeling in some parts of my chest. i look fine, and i've accepted that this is the body i chose to live in. but sometimes i wish i wasn't so afraid to talk about this feeling.

some of y'all talk a big game about supporting detrans folk, but i don't see it. in mainstream lgbtq+ culture, is it absolutely taboo to talk about detransitioning, and y'all know it is. and there is literally no one else speaking up for us. a lot of detrans people become anti-trans specifically due to the reception their detransition was given by the community. it is so transparently hostile towards us because we got it wrong. and if people can make mistakes, that might mean (*gasp*) you might make a mistake?? and then it's a Real risk and not a fake one that conservatives made up to scare the parents of trans kids. and we just can't have that.

shouldn't we be telling kids that in your life, you're going to do things you risk regretting, and it's okay, because everyone has regrets? it's not some trans-specific thing. i regret my college boyfriend and not taking better care of my first car. i also regret having top surgery. it's not a dirty word—i'm just some guy, and everyone fucks up, sometimes in life-ruining ways. mine wasn't life-ruining, just kinda hard to process. but man, it sure woulda been easier if literally the only welcoming community for detrans people wasn't coincidentally Extremely anti-trans 🙃

and like........ i'm also.... Still Trans? i detransitioned to the gender i was before i identified as ftm: nonbinary. i stopped my medical transition, i reverted back to they/them pronouns. i detransitioned, but the idea that only cis people detransition is overwhelmingly binarist if you think about it for more than 2 seconds. (idk if that's a word but i'm making it one. you literally know what i mean). i can participate in trans dialogue, but there are areas of my history that i just have to avoid because i'll start getting dirty looks.

so yeah. all that to say. please start including us. loudly. please make a safe space for people who made mistakes, because the only one that exists right now is built to radicalize us against the people for whom those choices weren't mistakes.

[wizkiddx]

i loved your blurb the other day . i have a request off it if you could do one more domesticated about the little things tom does in a relationship?

Ooooh I loved loved loved this request!! In my head he is a complete romantic sap at heart <333 this is a lot more wordy that I normally write and bit concerned it is a shitter - feedback would be well appreciate, if you have any opinion on which crappy writing style I do less badly :///

Summary: the boring and domesticated day to day life with Tom

warnings: look really close an a bit of implied smut, but otherwise sickeningly nice stuff I think ahah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Given his rather unique position and place in the world - your relationship with Tom was also very much not typical. By no means did that mean worse though - Tom meant the world to you; as you did him. Yes, at times it was tough - the distance, the tightly scheduled face times because of the time difference. But every time you saw his crinkly smile, it was almost set in stone everything was worth it. He was, most definitely, worth it. 

Especially as he was such a sap. Perhaps because some of the things he did that brought rushes of heat to your cheeks - Tom wasn’t even aware of. Of course, Tom being Tom, he obviously did the bigger things and spoilt you rotten - which you were never going to complain about - though those weren’t the things that made your heart flutter so inexplicably. 

Take yesterday for example. Tom had just got back home from a long filming shoot for SM3 and it was fair to say you’d both been pining over each other enormously. Once he was back though, none of that mattered. The pair of you had spent almost a full 18 hours in bed, before eventually you’d pulled away from the pouty boy, due to your desperate need of a shower. That was too far away from you in Tom’s opinion though- meaning you’d had a shared shower too. Purely for water saving + environmental purposes , or at least, that had been his justification. It was intimate but not sexual, leading to the two of you wrapped in towels in the marble bathroom. Busying yourself with your skincare, you weren’t paying any mind to your boyfriend, who you assumed to be faffing about as usual. That was until you felt a gentle tug on the back of your towel dried hair. Instantly you locked eyes with warm brown ones looking back at you through the slightly fogged up mirror, panning down to see the hair brush in his hand. 

“What’re you doing?” You laughed gently, leaning back onto his bare torso, still slightly damp from the humidity lingering in the bathroom air. 

“ ‘jus’ brushin your hair, I haven’t got all the lotions and potions to spend hours on.” Cheeky bugger. Sweet but with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes - as he watched you roll yours. 

“If I phoned Rach and said you weren’t following her-“ Cut off by his lips craning round to meet yours, you decided not to fight it, instead melting into his embrace while turning round - your body still only wrapped in the towel tucked under your arm. After a few moments Tom paused to whisper a shh against your lips, before painfully slowly moving against yours again. God knows, you would’ve stayed in that moment forever if you could however you did also still have moisturiser only half rubbed in on your face, like warpaint. So, you turned back around finishing off in the mirror and very much enjoying the sensation of Tom still hovering behind,  ever so gently working the brush through your hair. It took much longer than it should have for you to finish off, mainly because you spent the time watching him in the mirror concentrate, especially the way he pressed his tongue against the inside of his left cheek in concentration. 

After the pair of you had finally got ready for the day (at 3 in the afternoon but no one had to know), you’d gone out for a walk with his parents. Naturally you spent the majority of the time gossiping with Nikki slightly ahead of the Dom and Tom - who were no doubt talking about golf or something equally as dull. Tom loved to say that he found how close you and Nikki got as terrifying - really you both knew he only adored you more for it. Family was everything to Tom and given poor Nikki’s immediate surroundings of pure testosterone, when you became integrated into the family it was like a breath of fresh air. And you didn’t smell of boy - which to her was a win. 

It was a beautiful early evening and the sun was slowly creeping its way toward the horizon, changing the light from a brilliant white to a more golden hue - basking the four of you and Tess in the glow. You’d all come to a natural halt whilst Tess had gone a bit mental chasing squirrels. It just worked out that the sun was opposite you and though the evening was beautiful, dealing with it head on , in your eyes, was not the most enjoyable. Before you could even reach your arm out to shield yourself from the sun,  the light was blocked out, a shadow casting over your forehead. 

Now what’s important to note here is Tom is by no means a tall man. He wasn’t a midget but it would be fair to say that all 5 foot 8 of him was ‘below average height’. Not that it let him stop being a sun block for you and you really did try not to giggle as your furrowed brows caught site of his raised heels. This boy was literally standing on his tiptoes to stop the sun getting in your eyes for god sake. He noticed your grin though and as if it was the most normal thing in the world just shrugged his shoulders before engaging back in his parents conversation. You weren’t as quick to recover, honestly having to take a moment to swallow down your glee. 

Afterwards, you’d gone straight back the Holland family home as they all wanted to celebrate Tom and Harry’s return- what better way than having Sam the master chef himself cook you all a three course meal? As if choreographed both of you had taken the seats next to each other… but not in a clingy way at all, Paddy was interrogating you on how the hell you’d beaten him at the classic game of mariokart (which you would never let him live down) whilst Tom and Harry were recounting one of their many tales of filming to Nikki. Once the plates of food were served out to you by the esteemed chef, Tom wasted no time in skilfully and subtly piling the greens of vegetables and salad off your plate and onto his. You’d never dream of offending Sam by insulting his cooking, really you did love it - there was just something about rabbit food that you had to put your foot down at. Perhaps it was because it was literal leaves? Things that you used to feed to your pet hamster perhaps? It was a constant source of bickering between you, Tom and Harry- they claimed you’d end up dying because of the lack of leaves in your diet, which you strongly contested. Fruit and some veg was allowed but salad- stay the hell away.

Anyway it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t have to face that debate tonight because Tom had you covered. He always had you covered. 

Finally, the night rolled round which you were so thankful for, considering even though you’d had an extortionate amount of time in bed last night - not a lot of it had actually been spent asleep. Combine that with the wine you’d been happily sipping on in celebration, it pretty much explained the situation you found yourself in now. Eyes bobbing up and down as the TV drifted in and out of focus, the slow and gentle thud of Tom’s heartbeat lulling you into that floaty place. You didn’t fight the drowsiness because really, nestled between the cushions of the sofa and Tom’s chest, you didn’t want to be anywhere else. Letting your eyes slide shut completely, you took a deep breath in and nuzzled into his chest- barely registering how he lightly chuckled at the action. Tom just took the time to look down at you, pressing the most gently kiss to the crown of your head. Moments like this would never not be his favourite. Don’t get him wrong, he loved your wit and sarcastic charm when you were more conscious… but something about how comfortable you were to be completely vulnerable with him, gave him a purpose. He would never be able to wrap his head around why you’d let him - how he deserved this was beyond him but he was so bloody thankful for it. 

Your hand that was splayed on his stomach caught his eye, you still had your bracelet on from the meal and he knew you hated sleeping with any jewellery on. Instinctively then, Tom ever so gently manipulated the clasp and skilfully removed the silver chain - reaching over and placing it on the little coffee table. Having spent 3 months without you within 100 miles of him, Tom was more than willing to wake up with back ache if it meant spending the night on the sofa with you like this. The gentle grasp on your wrist had roused you a little though. 

It was always the simple things that made your heart burst - like the bracelet . Or like his little raspy whisper, voice tired and thinking you were asleep. Even if everything else disappeared, it would still be the greatest life if you had Tom there saying this. 

“Your home Y/n… you and me forever…

…until u die from not eating ur greens.”

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[kpoptart216]

Promises (oneshot)

Pairing: Jimin x fem!reader

Genre: Angst, fluff if you squint (what’s new)

Synopsis: Being best friends with Jimin was easy. You never doubted your relationship with him even when you both got older. But what happens...when life happens?

You couldn’t really remember the exact date you became friends with Jimin. All you could remember was you sitting down to eat lunch all alone at lunch when a little boy also joined you, claiming he too was alone. And since that young age of 6, you two were joined at the hip. 

You two were as good as they came. Thick as thieves. Peas in a pod. And you didn’t see that changing. 

You remember your mom warning you one night, when she realized how close you both were. 

“You’re probably too young to understand this Y/n, but I just want you to know that some relationships don’t last forever. Things change honey, and I don’t want you to be hurt by that” she said sadly, maybe even reminiscent of her own life. 

And that warning, even though you were just ten, scared you. You knew exactly who she was referring to, and you ran over to Jimin’s house across the street sobbing. 

It was at that age, when you promised that nothing would ever change your friendship. 

And you both put that promise on a pedestal. As the years passed by and you got older, nothing got in the way of your friendship. Not when you moved away to Seoul, not when you got busy with university, and not when Jimin became an idol. 

You became a manager at a tech company at one of the biggest companies in the city. You weren’t really sure how you managed to get there, but you were thankful for the opportunity. As for Jimin, his band seemed to get bigger and bigger everyday and you smiled everytime you saw a billboard with his face on it or an ad on TV featuring him and the boys. 

But just because you were an ordinary person didn’t mean that the world didn’t know who you were. One day when Jungkook was doing a V-live, he walked into the boy’s living room where you and Jimin were having your usual movie night. Before you knew it, your friendship with Jimin was exposed for the world to see. At first it was hard, especially when girls you didn’t even know would through death glares at you and your social media filled with hate comments. 

But you two even managed to make it through that. Jimin had to clarify to his fans that you meant a lot as his best friend and had wished that no one treated you poorly because of it and since then, you had a pretty good relationship with his fans, at least from what you could tell online. 

Was it hard being best friends with an idol? Incredibly. But it was more than worth it. Plus in the process, you gained six more new friends with lots of adventures. 

Of course, you also had some girl friends if only keep yourself sane from all the testosterone you were always surrounded by. Li-ah had been one of your closest friends since you moved to Seoul and she always voiced how lucky you were to be surrounded by big celebrities. You had wanted to introduce her to your friends, but the right time never presented itself. 

“They’re just a group of over grown children sometimes” you joke back. 

“Still.. what I would give to be around someone like BTS” she sighed out loud. “Have you ever had feelings for any of them?” she asks, taking a sip of her beer. You two were out getting drinks at your favorite spot just a block away from your apartment., 

“For those dummies? No way!” You say, taking a big gulp yourself. 

“Ok fine, but not even Jimin? How could you not when you’ve been with him for as long as you have? When he’s just so.. so... perfect?” she asks, genuinely curious. 

“Ok you’re clearly drunk if you think he’s perfect. Li-Ah, he will always be the boy that wet his bed when we were kids” you say giggling. 

“That happened like once and a million years ago! Look at him now!” she says. 

“Trust me, we’re just friends” you say. “Always have been, always will be. Speaking of that dork though, do you want to finally meet them? They’re on break starting tomorrow for like the next two months” you ask. 

That was all it took for her to squeal so loud the entire bar turned to look at her. 

“Yes! YES!” she said clapping her hands. 

Perhaps if you knew how that would decision would change your life, you wouldn’t have even asked. But life wasn’t that simple. 

The boys had invited you over for game night and some drinks which you gladly accepted. You asked to bring Li-ah, and though they were a bit reluctant at first, they agreed. 

You had to talk Li-ah into being calm and not acting like the huge fan-girl she was. If there was anything the boys didn’t need right now, it was having to deal with a fan during their break time. 

And to be honest, you were surprised by how well Li-ah managed to stay calm. It was like she changed completely. When you got to the apartment, she simply smiled and introduced herself to the boys. Was this the same Li-ah you knew?

Some of the boys played video games while the rest of you sat at the table playing some board games and drinking. 

You watched, as Li-ah conversed with the boys, but how her eyes especially sparkled when she was talking to Jimin. And you also didn’t miss the way how his eyes seemed to light up the same way. 

You knew you saw a connection there and you had a small smile on your face as you saw two of your best friends get to know each other. Jimin broke eye contact from Ji-Ah to send you a quick smile before turning back to Ji-ah to give her his attention. 

It wasn’t long after that when Jimin had asked for Ji-ah’s number. You two were having your regular movie night when he randomly sprung the question on you. 

“You want her number? Oh my god, are you going to ask her out?” you ask him. 

“I- I gue- I just want to get to know her a little more?” he says, not really sure. 

“Oh my god you like her!” You say, giggling.

“I don’t know yet! Hey we’re not getting any younger and I’m getting lonely!” He says, defending himself. 

You throw a hand to your chest, faking pain. “When you have me??” you asked. 

“That’s different and you know it!” he says throwing a pillow at you. “You going to help me or not?” he asks again. 

“Of course I will, dork” you say, finally calming down from laughing. “I’ll always be there for you” you say a little slower. 

After sending Jimin Ji-ah’s number, you walk to the kitchen to make some more popcorn and noticed Taehyung standing in the kitchen attempting to make some kind of food over the stove. 

“You know, I didn’t think you’d do it” he said, not looking at you and stirring at the pot. 

“do what?” you ask curiously while getting the popcorn out of the shelf. 

“Give him your friends number. I always thought you two had a thing for eachother” he said nonchalantly. 

“You’re kidding right? We’re best friends” you say while throwing the popcorn into the microwave. 

“So? I see the way you look at him. You might not realize it yourself, but I think you’re in deep for Jimin, Y/n” Taehyung says. 

“I- I’m not” you say. Both you and taehyung don’t miss the slight stutter in your voice. 

“I mean, it’s not my place to meddle. But I want what’s best for the both of you, as always” he says, finally turning towards you. 

“Thank you Tae, really” you say. “I know your hearts at a good place but I’m sure when I say we’re just friends” you say. 

“Ok ok, I won’t bug you about it anymore” he says with a small giggle you’ve learned to love over the years. “Ok try this” he says, finally handing you the spoon that he was stirring with. 

“What is it?” you ask, not really wanting to try whatever it was. 

“I was trying to make chicken soup...” he says. 

“Oh” was the only thing you could muster when you look at the concoction on your spoon that looked slightly like...tar. Despite your instincts to throw the spoon far, far away, you lick it as to not get much into your mouth. 

“I’m going to say this since I too want what’s best for you Taehyung. Get take out and leave the cooking to Jin from now on...” you say, giggling and immediately reaching for water. 

“I knew I shouldn’t have added all that fish sauce..” he says, making you choke on the water. 

“Best for me my ass.. you just tried to kill me!” You say, downing as much water as you could. 

“Ok ok get back to your movie Gorden Ramsey” he says, turning off the stove.

  It has now been almost 3 months since Jimin got Li-ah’s number. A week after he got her number, he asked her out for their first date. 2 more dates after that, he asked her to be his girlfriend, with your blessing of course. And now 2 months later, he was going to tell her he loved her. 

Was it fast? Yes. But was it right in his heart? 100%. 

And during these three months, Taehyung’s words haunted you. Did you have feelings for Jimin? You convinced yourself you didn’t for all those years because you had everything you needed when Jimin was around. But now.. you two didn’t talk nearly as much as you had before. 

His time was now filled with Li-Ah. His time... and his heart. 

The first time he cancelled on you, it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t like he didn’t do it before, considering his schedule. 

But the more and more it happened just so he could hang out with her.. it started to sting. 

What stung the most was when he forget your “anniversary” of friendship that you two had made up as kids. And that was the first time you shed tears for Park Jimin. Little did you know that it wouldn’t be the last. 

In the meantime, you filled your time with the others. The boys still invited you over, even if Jimin wasn’t there. And in that time, Taehyung vowed that he was now your best friend since your actual one was doing a shitty job of proving it. 

“I know I said I wouldn’t bother you about it again, but are you sure you don’t have feelings for him, Y/n? I can tell him not being around is bothering you...” Taehyung asks one night when the rest of the boys had gone to sleep. 

“I’m not sure anymore Taehyung, I’m not sure” you say, beginning to cry again. That was the first night that Taehyung comforted you as you cried. Little did he know it also wouldn’t be the last. 

One morning you woke up to someone calling you first thing in the morning. You reached for your phone, somewhere under your pillows and sheets and immediately sat up when you realized it was Jimin. 

“Hey good morning!” you say, a little too excited. 

“Good morning sleepyhead. Are you busy today? I realized we haven’t had any us time recently and I want to make up for that!” he says, which put a smile on your face a little too quickly. 

“I always have time for you, Jimin” You say, giggling. “I’ll be ready in half an hour, ok?” you say. 

“Sure, I’ll pick you up then. See you then dummy” 

“See you then, dork” you say, hanging up. 

The two of you spent the entire day doing all the things you loved doing- eating, people watching, shopping, and going to the arcade. It was the most fun you had in the longest time and you realized just how much you missed him, 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around recently” Jimin says on the way to drop you off. 

“It’s ok. You know I understand” You say. 

“I would never break our promise, you know that right?” He asks. And that’s all it took for your heart to swell. 

“Of course I do. I wouldn’t either” You say, smiling. 

you were in love with your best friend. 

Though Jimin had said he’d make time for you, not much really changed. Li-ah still took up most of his time, not that you could blame her. But it really took a toll on your feelings. You were feeling worse and worse as each day passed and you just missed him. It didn’t help when you realized your feelings for him and now you were suffering even more than before. 

But life moved on. Taehyung had stopped by more and more after you  confessed your feelings for Jimin to him. You didn’t mean to, you were drunk and a mess, but it happened nontheless. It was later that night when you passed out that he silently confessed his feelings for you too. 

Taehyung didn’t know himself when he caught feelings for you. But it made him understand something- because you probably didn’t know when you fell for Jimin either. It was hard, seeing the girl you like pine over your best friend. He didn’t know what hurt more- the fact that you didn’t know about Taehyung’s suffering or that Jimin didn’t know about yours. It hurt to see you in pain, so for now Taehyung put his feelings aside. For when the time is right he kept repeating to himself. 

One day, Taehyung texted you out of the blue for an impromptu movie night. You sighed, not knowing whether or not to indulge in a movie night when it was clearly your thing with Jimin, but then again you couldn’t remember the last time you had one. 

You made your way over to the dorm sluggishly, not having the energy and excitement as you once had when visiting the dorms. You let Taehyung know you were here when you got to the lobby through text and he had opened the door for you before you even had the chance to knock. 

“Hey there squirt” he said with such a warm smile. 

“We’re the same age why do you even call me that” you giggle. 

“Because...you’re a squirt. My squirt” he says as if it common sense. 

As you entered the dorm, most of the lights were out, confusing you. That is, till you laid eyes in the living room where two figures were illuminated sitting on the couch due to the light from the TV. There sat Jimin and Li-ah, cuddling and having a movie night. 

Now, you had never seen the alone together. You were respectful of their space and never tried to barge into to either of their time unless invited...which was never. So this? This stung. You could feel your heart tighten, as all your feelings overwhelmed you. 

“Oh hey Y/n!” Jimin said, finally noticing you. 

 “Hey Jimin.. Hey Li-ah” you say, acknowledging the girl who took away the most important person away from you. You knew that was unreasonable. It’s not like she stole him since those two genuinely hit it off. But still... you wished that was you laying on his chest instead of her.  

“Hey” she simply said. Li-ah was a smart girl, or intuitive rather. She knew she didn’t trust you when you said you had no feelings for Jimin. She knew before you did of your own feelings for your best friend. So she did what she thought was the most reasonable thing in her book- she avoided you. 

She didn’t call you much or text you after getting together with Jimin. You thought it was because she was busy with her new relationship but it was actually because she didn’t want you around Jimin in case you had suddenly realized your feelings for him. Or worse- he might realize he has feelings for you. 

“What are you doing here?” Jimin asked, making you feel small for some reason. 

“Oh I invited her over. We’re just going to watch a movie or something in my room. Jungkook was bored” Taehyung said, silently hoping Jungkook found something better to do.

“Oh, ok have fun!” Jimin said, turning back to the movie. For some reason, that broke a tiny piece of your heart off. Sure, it might seem dramatic but Movie night was held... sacred by you and Jimin... or so you thought. SInce you were kids, you only watched movies with him and vice versa. You didn’t let anyone join your movie nights and took weeks or even months of pleading before he allowed a few of the members join during your movie nights. 

You pushed your thoughts aside, telling yourself you were just being dramatic, that it was no big deal. You smiled, even though they probably couldn’t see in the dark, and allowed Taehyung to lead you to his room. 

He put on some movie, with Jungkook joining a few minutes later much to his dismay, and you watched the movie in silence. It was a comedy, a genre all three of you enjoyed, and yet your laugh wasn’t as loud as it used to be. This didn’t go unnoticed by him, and so you completely missed when his laugh wasn’t as loud too. 

Jungkook.... well he was just oblivious and continued to watch the movie. 

If there was anything that you knew, it was that life moved on. See, you thought that your friendship was as strong as steel. Nothing could break it or cause you and Jimin to drift away. Not moving away as kids, not university, not even him being in one of the biggest bands in the world. No, nothing could. Not even Li-ah. 

But what you weren’t expecting was... your health. 

Cancer. 

You knew, you weren’t in the best condition recently, but you blamed it on heartbreak. You blamed any discomfort on your heartbreak until you had enough of feeling down. You went to the doctor for a yearly checkup when your doctor felt a slight bump on the base of your neck. It was small, she said. You didn’t even notice it yourself. 

Soon after, a biopsy was performed, and you didn’t tell anyone- not your family, not your friends, and especially not Jimin. Why worry before you have to worry, right?

But the agony of waiting was getting to you. It would take about another 3 days before you had the result, and you couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was funny, you thought. At least now you had something to take your mind off of Jimin. 

So, what better way than to pass time with movies? You had invited Taehyung over the next night for a full day movie marathon, silently thanking the stars that the boys were on break and that you could spend this much time with him. Taehyung on the other had almost jumped for joy when he saw your text. 

You forced yourself to place 100% of your focus on the movies to distract yourself from the intenal clock you had set for tomorrow’s call from the doctor. What you weren’t expecting though, was that the call would come early. 

In the middle of The Sound of Music (whcih Taehyung had picked out), when the Von Trapp children were singing one of Taehyung’s favorite songs, you saw your phone light up with the doctor’s office name. 

You quickly grabbed the phone and went to the other corner of your living room, which in hind sight you should have gone somewhere more private. But the doctor confirmed what you were dreading, yet already knew in the back of your head. You had cancer. 

You dropped the phone after you managed to hang up, and dropped to your knees sobbing. Taehyung was by your side the next instant, and when you broke the news to him between your sobs, he too cried with you that night. 

It took a few hours for you to calm down, at least to a point where you could think a little bit more rationally. “You can’t tell him” you say, first. 

Taehyung turned to you in shock. How could you think of him at a time like this. “Y/n...” he said. 

“No. I don’t want him to know” you say firmly. “Listen Tae, I know, it sounds bad. But I’m not going to die ok? There’s a 97% survival rate if I go through treatment now since it’s at such a early stage. At least, that’s what the doctor explained over the phone. They caught it early, I’m so glad. I’ll be ok” you say. 

“But you need him by your side. You need your best friend through this” he pleads. He knew then, that he could never take over Jimin’s place in your heart. 

“I need him to not worry, ok? I’m already sad that you had to find out, I wasn’t supposed to get the call till tomorrow. But please, I’m begging you, don’t tell him” you say, pleading with Taehyung. 

“If thats what you truly wish..” Taehyung says, wrapping you in his arms for a tight hug. He never wanted to let go. 

Just because the doctors caught the cancer early didn’t mean that treatment was going to be a breeze. It was still intense. Your doctor laid out a six month treatment plan for you and so far, it seemd very doable. But he warned you of how draining it could be. You had to come in once every 2 weeks for chemo, so you were determined to not let this derail your life. 

The only people you told were the people who absolutely had to know- your work and your family. They were so supportive, with your mom even offering to move in with you for the time being. While you were so tempted, you decided that her life too, was to move on as it should. 

During this time, Jimin had texted you once, asking if you wanted to catch up over dinner. You had to say no, because treatment was that night. 

The next time he offered, you felt too sick after treatment to even get out of bed. 

What really took it over the top though was when you felt too sick when it was Jimin’s birthday. He texted you, saying you better be there since he hadn’t seen you in so long, and you promised you’d be there. But when the day came, you just couldn’t. It was like your body hated you and decided to give up on one of the most important day of the year. But the symptoms from chemo was getting to you especially bad that day, and you plopped onto bed, letting Taehyung know that you couldn’t make it. 

You fell asleep before you got his response. 

Taehyung saw your message late in the afternoon, when everyone was beginning to get ready for the party. He texted you, asking if you were ok, to which you would usually respond with a sarcastic comment. 

But hours passed and he hadn’t heard from you. 

Jimin on the other hand was furious when Taehyung said you couldn’t make it. Taehyung had a pretty stupid excuse, saying you suddenly had a work emergency. Why couldn’t you just call and tell him yourself? why the hell didn’t you want to see him? What was so bad that you couldn’t make it to his birthday?

Jimin’s mood was a little down for the party, but he soon started to enjoy the party and forget the dull pain from you not coming. Until, he saw his other best friend, leave the party too. He could tell Taehyung seemed out of it, he kept checking his phone. 

But then, all of a sudden, he just left after Jimin cut a cake that was too big. 

Taehyung still hadn’t heard from you and decided to rush over to your place, in case something had happened. He beat himself up for not leaving sooner. 

He pounded on your door, silently praying for you to open the door. Thankfully, you did open the door, although much slower than he would have liked. 

“Thank god you’re ok, why didn’t you answer your phone?” He scolded, embracing you immediately. 

“I’m sorry Tae... I fell asleep, I was so tired” you say, slowly. 

“I’m just glad you’re ok...”

The next day after the party, Jimin woke up with Li-ah sleeping sound asleep next to him. He smiled, getting out of bed only to be met with Hoseok standing outside in the kitchen making some coffee of his own.

“Wow, last night was pretty crazy Hyung, my head hurts like crazy” said Jimin, grabbing a cup from the shelf. 

“Don’t talk so loud...” Hoseok said, swatting the younger one away. 

“Is everyone still sleeping?” Jimin asked, a little quieter. 

“Jungkook went to work out. He said after eating everything last night he really looked like a rabbit. I think Tae is at Y/n’s. I haven’t seen him since last night. What’s up with those two, are they a thing now?” Hoseok asks, plopping himself down on the chair. 

“Taehyung... is with Y/n? He left the party to go to see Y/n?” Jimin asks, not realizing he said it out loud. 

“Oh, I don’t know. I just know he didn’t come back last night. And he sent a snap this morning from what I assumed was her place...” hoseok said, missing the way Jimin’s face immediately turned red from anger. 

Just then, the door opened the Taehyung walked through the door, looking tired himself. He was still in the clothes from the party, only sparking more doubt within his members. 

“You seemed to have a fun night” Hoseok winked. 

“Where did you run off to?” Jimin sneered. 

“I’m going to go sleep” Taehyung said simply. 

“I asked you a question” Jimin said, more forcefully. 

“And as you can see, I ignored it” Taehyung said, glaring at the boy before slamming the door shut to his own room.

It didn’t take much longer after that before Jimin changed and rushed out of the dorm in pure anger. 

You heard someone pounding on the door again, and you assumed it was Taehyung again. Had he forgotten something? Before even thinking you open the door. “Tae, did you fo-” but you were cut off when Jimin walked right it, pushing your shoulder harshly while passing by. You rubbed at your shoulder in shock, but also in pain from your sore body. 

“You want to explain to me what the hell is going on?” Jimin asked, finally turning to you. If only he wasn’t so mad, he would have seen all the changes in you. 

“Hi to you to..” you say, trying to lighten the mood. 

“Really? What the fuck Y/n?” Jimin says, panting from anger. “Where the hell have you been?” he says.

“I’ve been busy, Chim...” you say, knowing it sounded stupid the second it left your lips. 

“really? Busy? Too busy for come see me? Too busy on my fucking birthday? Is that all that’s left for us now?” he asks. 

“I- I wanted to be there Chim, you have to know that, right?” you asked slowly. You were still rubbing at your shoulder, knowing you were going to bruise easily. 

“That’s bullshit and you know it Y/n. You wanted to be there? Then you could have been. You were busy? Don’t fucking lie! You had Taehyung over! Are you two together? Are you both fucking, is that what this is?” Jimin sneers. 

“No, Jimin you don’t understand!” You say, not liking where this was going one bit. 

“I don’t? Then please enlighten me. What happened to not breaking our promise, huh?” Jimin asked, getting angrier by the second. You hated when he got mad, especially at you, but this was the worst you’ve ever seen it. 

“I- I-” You stutter. 

“You don’t even have an excuse! You know what, if you don’t want to try, then neither do I. Just know, I’m not the one who broke the promise, It. Was. You.” Jimin says before making his way back out of your apartment. 

“Jimin please..” You whimper. 

“save it” Jimin says, slamming the door shut. 

Jimin pulled his mask up before entering the garage to your apartment. He knew probably no one would be there, but still he didn’t want to take a chance. As soon as he reached the car though, he saw a familiar figure pull up just a few spaces down. Out popped Taehyung, with a bag with what he assumed was food. 

“Back for seconds?” Jimin asked, sarcasm dripping with each word like venom. 

“What are you doing here?” Taehyung asked, shocked. He had promised you he’d be back as soon as he showered and grabbed some food. 

“Why do you care? Oh that’s right, I forgot you two don’t care about anyone else but yourselves. Have fun with her, see if I care” Jimin says as he makes the final steps to his car. Just as he’s about to open his car door, he’s turned around and shoved into his own car. 

“What the hell did you say to her” Taehyung asked. Jimin gulped for a second, never seeing his friend so angry at him before. But in that moment, Jimin was just as angry as he was. 

“You know, you two deserve eachother. I can’t believe the two of you” Jimin says, pushing Taehyung off of him and stared him down. Taehyung simply shook his head and jolted to the elevator, looking panicked. 

Jimin scoffed, finally getting into this car and driving off. He knew he probably shouldn’t be driving in this stage, so he pulled over in the very next street. trying to calm himself down. Thankfully, he had tinted windows and he could sit there in peace. Or at least try to.

After a couple of minutes of just sitting there, Li-ah called. “Hey babe, where are you?” she asked. 

“Oh.. I just came out to get some food. You called just in time, what do you want babe?” he asked, nonchalantly as if he didn’t just have a big fight with both you and Taehyung. 

“Hm.. can you get me that avocado toast from that one place we go to?” she asked. As she was talking, he could hear sirens getting closer and closer, until they stopped. 

“You said avocado toast? Sorry, I can’t really hear with the sirents. but sure babe, I’ll see you in a bit” Jimin says, hanging up. He feels his pocked for his wallet, only to find nothing. He swore he brought it, he always did. He did a quick search of his car, only to find nothing. Maybe it fell out when Taehyung had pushed him? Sighing, Jimin turned the car back around to the garage of your apartment complex. 

Luckily, the spot he was in was still open and his wallet in fact had fallen out when Jimin stepped out. “Stupid Taehyung” he muttered. 

Jimin was about to step back into the car when he saw the ambulance parked by the entrance to your apartment. There was a paramedic standing by the elevator and Jimin watched on with curiousity. 

He didn’t know why he stayed, what pulled him to stay there when he should have been on his way to get some stupid toast, but when the elevator doors opened the the gurney had come out, it was as if time stopped. 

His legs took over before his mind processed what he had saw. Before he knew it, he was already at your side, laying unconscious on top of the gurney, with Taehyung on the other side looking scared and panicked. 

“y/n.. Y/n.. what happened?” Jimin said, finally, helping the paramedics get the gurney through the door. 

“Sir, i’m going to need you to step aside please” the paramedic said, trying to get you to the hospital soon. “Mr. Kim, will you be riding with us?” the same paramedic asked as he turned to Taehyung. 

“Yes of course” Taehyung said. 

“Taehyung what happened, please” Jimin pleased. “What happened to her? Is..is it because of me?” Jimin asked, tears forming in his eyes at the sight of you laying there. 

“YES” Taehyung yelled. “YOU ARE SO FULL OF IT THAT YOU COULDN’T EVEN SEE YOUR SO CALLED BEST FRIEND SUFFER THIS WHOLE TIME. NOT WHEN SHE SO CLEARLY HAD FEELINGS FOR YOU. AND NOT NOW WHEN SHES SICK WITH CANCER” Taehyung yelled before pushing Jimin away getting into the ambulance and closing the door shut. 

Jimin stood there, watching as the ambulance pulled out of the garage, absolutely speechless. Breathless. 

A/N: do y’all even remember who I am omg. I’m so sorry for not posting for so long, and I’m even more sorry that I didn’t post one of the other parts of the series first. But I just felt like writing this. Let me know if know if you want one with Jimin’s POV and an ending to this. If not, I’m just going to leave it at this... :D 

[abrillherrera]

My quarantine recommendations

We’ve all been in lock down - if you are lucky enough to stay home without risking your business or jobs- around the world, at least for 1 month and for some of us the time of the quarantine is still undefinable. We’re all worried about what would come after this, the financial and economic crisis and on some cases even the loss of our jobs, but in the search for the long awaited release from this confinement I thought I could write a list of the latest documentaries, movies and series I’ve been watching to help you get through any moment of uncertainty and boredom. I included some comments so you can decide if this could work for you. I’ll keep updating the list as I find more interesting things to share.

Don’t F**k with cats (Netflix). This original docu-series by Netflix presents the internet-hunting that common Facebook users start of a psychopath who decided to post a video where he murders a cat. This three-hour documentary will hook you to your seat as the perpetrator, encouraged by the attention he receives, plans the murder of one person. It tries to raise the debate on whether the chase down was actually what caused the death of an innocent person, for me it’s only worth for the entertainment.

Killer inside: The mind of Aaron Hernandez (Netflix). This docu-series tells the story of football player Aaron Hernandez as he gets caught for the murder of 3 people, after he got signed to play for the Patriots.

The boy who harnessed the wind (Netflix). This little boy in Malawi manages to build a windmill so his village can sow all-year after a big drought almost kills them all from starvation. This is inspirational and great because it shows the great privilege from which we benefit on our daily lives.

Jeffrey Epstain: Filthy Rich (Netflix). If you have been updated with the news recently, - or if you happen to be active on twitter- with the whole Anonymous come-back, then you already know why this documentary is relevant in light of recent events.

... Explained (Netflix and Youtube). This docu-series done in partnership with Vox takes you through short clips (20-30 minutes tops) where they explained different topics -such as pay-gap, sex, pandemics, diamonds, and even meditation- including some experts, celebrities, and other people in the medium’s opinions. Despite the name of the show, this is meant to prompt questions and get you interested for further research, making it interesting.

Losers (Netflix). I have talked about this in more depth on another entry, read it here, but I will say that this show will help you change perspectives on winning, losing, success, and everything in between. All in short episodes of 30 minutes.

July 22 (Netflix). This movie seems to fit in our current political state. In the middle of a summer camp in Noruega, a neonazi starts terrorists attacks that will spark a conversation on migration and cultural changes. I think it handles the topic very well because it shows how the fear of the Other and ignorance can prompt radicalization and racism.

Dogs (Netflix). If you love dogs, this one is a must! Telling in each episode different stories of the relashionships that dogs have with human beings from around the world. Be ready for a cuteness overload, also, you might need some tissues.

DW Documentaries (Youtube). The DW from Germany has put together some video documentaries that explore different topics like, plastic waste, the end of WWII, social media, the role of young Europeans on ISIS, testosterone, fashion, etc. They are professionally done, they all have 45 min duration aprox, and they’re available in different languages via subtitles (Spanish as well)

[workmaninprogress]

Going on hormones has all but deadened my capacity to feel a broad range of emotions.

Maybe “feel” isn’t the right word, I guess I don’t ~experience~ the fullness of emotions anymore. I can’t. And it’s infuriating.

Though, I’m not sure how much fault can really be put on my testosterone levels and not just my personality.

Once a year, almost to the date, I cry.

I cry. And cry. And cry. Cry when I wake up, cry in the shower, cry on my way to work, cry in my car during my break, cry when I get home, cry when I’m falling to sleep. Rinse and repeat for about a week.

Then I’m over it. Until the next year comes along. That leaves me with, what, 11 months & 3 weeks worth of emotional constipation?

I live in a weird sense of emotional autopilot until something deemed “sad enough” comes along to break the silence. It’s predicable. I’ve learned to cope with the feeling of my eyes welling and burning with with no more than a single fallen teardrop.

We take photos to remember the happy times. Birthdays, weddings, celebrations, new babies, etc. It’s a faux pas to pull out a camera when you’re on the shower floor, sobbing. We don’t bring a camera to stand next to an empty hole in the ground while you watch a loved one be lowered down.

Considering I can go months and months without emoting. Without those feel good chemicals that follow a solid cry...

I wanted to remember this one.

[skylarsmith02]

Mine and Brooke’s never ending love story

I officially met Brooke when I was 18 and she was 20. The first time we FaceTimed, we were on the phone for over 12 hours. Never got sick of each other, nothing sexual, just learning about each other. We both were fresh out of shitty, one sided relationships. I, myself, was scared to love. I was scared of getting into a new relationship, especially with someone I didn’t really know. Why? Because I had just gotten out of a 2 year physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationship that almost killed me on multiple occasions. Brooke was also scared to fall in love, but for different reasons. She didn’t want to stay up all night anymore, crying wondering why she wasn’t good enough. Or going days without a single text or phone call. She also was scared of being publicly humiliated again. But the night we both FaceTimed all night, we both knew that we were meant for each other. We had our first “date” at the Macon Mall, just walking around and shopping. Of course I didn’t talk much because of my anxiety. I was on the verge of throwing up the entire time because I was so nervous. Brooke was also nervous, but nothing compared to me lol. That is also the day Brooke met my best friend Spam. They both instantly connected. And after I had left, she shared chicken wings and talking about me. Spam explained to Brooke more of what I had been thru the past few years and Brooke got a better understanding of me. We FaceTimed more and more and just kept falling hard for each other. The day before my birthday we meet in Cordele and hung out and just enjoyed each other’s company. That night I even asked her, “why are you so nice to me..?” She was so confused and did not know what I meant. She then told me because I had a heart of gold and I’ve treated her better in 3 weeks than she’s ever been treated. So, 3 weeks had passed to this time, and she invited me down to her best friend Tori’s place to celebrate our birthdays, it was actually the day of mine 1/20. Tori immediately accepted me with open arms and informed me if I hurt Brooke she would hurt me lol. And I gave her full permission to do so if that were to ever occur. We all had so much fun just hanging with each other and by the end of the night, Tori informed us that she approved of me and could tell within just a few short hours that I was made for Brooke. Everyone went to bed about 2-3AM except me and Brooke. We stayed up laughing and talking and enjoying each other. We kept falling harder and harder for each other over the next few months. She was my valentine of 2018 and then we sealed the deal on 2.18.18. We then moved in together in March of 2018. People can say we moved fast, but when you know you’re with your forever soul mate, you really do know. There’s no doubt in my mind that this girl is made for me. We adopted our babygirl Miley Ray from Atlanta’s humane society, and brought her home to meet her brother Cricket José, who Brooke also welcomed with open arms and loves unconditionally. We signed our lease on our official 2 bed 2 bath apartment in April and we moved in by ourselves in August. We got to spend all major holidays together and just fully enjoyed each other. This Christmas was the best for the both of us as well. So what makes this girl my entire world vs all the other girls in the world? She saved me. She saved me from an abusive relationship, she saved me from self harm, she saved me from suicidal thoughts, and she saved me from my hometown. She encouraged me to go on Testosterone, which I had not been able to due to the abusive relationship I was in. She even took care of me after my top surgery. This girl is truly amazing. I’ve enjoyed our random nights out in Atlanta, driving around the city, our mini golf dates, Dave and buster dates, Buffalo Wild Wings dates, and everything else in between. She’s my forever and I know I am hers. We don’t argue. Never had a serious argument. We have never cussed at each other. We have never screamed at each other. We were made for each other.

Part 1

[spongebobsquarepiss]

all the botanical asks

Bless u, i love you jasmine; what mythical creature do you wish actually existed?Unicorns lavender; soundcloud or vinyls?Vinyls primrose; what book does everyone right now need to read?The Snow Child lunar mist; do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets?Y e s bird of paradise; what was the best thing that happened to you this month?hmm. i went to see the testosterone dr person ladygardenia; what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself?ill be a better bf than i have been lately lion’s fairytale; would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests?Ooh forests or oceanwhirling butterflies; would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Yes def marmalade skies; do you plan your outfits?Sometimes apricot drift; how do you feel right now?anxious and sadeverlasting daisy; what’s the last dream you remember having?Ummmm. we were all trying to watch infinity war but i couldn’t get to the theater at all and i was disappointing my friends so i started crying queen’s cup; what are you craving right now?Love and affection and cheeze its lavender dream; turn ons/offs?On: discreet flirting, being sexy without meaning to beOff: being called anything femme tbh, put into the stereotype that i like what girls like in certain more sexualized situationswater lilly; when was the last time you cried? why?right now cause i feel bad for not being a great bf sometimes and im not a great friend, i just rely and take from others and don’t give a lot. lily of the valley; did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?Not really winterberry; do you bite or lick your ice cream?Bite?? maybe lick???honey perfume; favorite movie ever?God idk man. atm it’s Brothers Bloomdesert rose; do you like yourself?Nosnapdragon; have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity?Yeah.night owl; how many countries have you visited? None. until we go to France none besides the US lmao heliotrope; have you ever been in a castle?God no but i wishcreams and sky; what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done?came out as translantana; what’s on your mind right now?i wish i was a better person pumpkin patch; what’s your zodiac sign?Taurus tulip; name 5 facts about yourself.im trans, i play the tuba, im musically talented, i love all of my friends, i love my dogdaphne; do you believe in karma?Sure?queen of the meadow; ever been in love?Yeahwisteria; whom do you admire and why?My gf cause she’s brave and loving and caring angel’s face; what was your favorite bedtime story as a child?i didn’t get bedtime stories. at least not that i remember remember me; did you make someone laugh today?maybe?? i think in AP music i did. iris; do you believe in ghosts?Nahlilac; if you could go back in time which time period would you visit?idk man the past kinda sucked unless ur a straight white male with lots of moneycaramel kisses; would you want to live forever? why/why not?No. Life is sad primula; what makes you sad?Legit. almost anything if there’s enough emotion put into itrain lily; was today typical? why/why not?Def not typical. ive been an anxious wreck all dayqueen anne’s lace; who do you trust the most?My gflady’s slipper; what did you have for breakfast today?a barforget me not; do you have any regrets looking back in your life?A to lunaria; what’s your favorite fictional universe? Honestly. Marvel violet; favorite tv show?The Flash atmsunflower; share a favorite quote.Time is the only resource you can never get back and get more of snowdrop; what does your ideal day look like?sleeping in a little bit. reading. practicing. cuddling with my gf. texting my friends tiger lily; do you have any hobbies?Yeah i like reading and i love playing my instruments tea rose; what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared?Audition for things, make more friends, be more outgoing especially at danceshoneysuckle; do you usually date people your age or older/younger? My agesweet pea; who means the world to you? why?My gf she’s amazing and tbh i wouldn’t be alive without her she’s a dork love in the mist; best books you’ve ever read?the Snow Child foxglove; who is your favorite cartoon character?Aomine Daikimagnolia; coffee or tea?Tea crown imperial; would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved?Lovedsnowflake; are you a dog or a cat person?Dog bell flower; what is your biggest addiction?Sleeping cosmos; do you ever think about the galaxy?All the timemoonflower; what’s your favorite color?Navy bluefreesia; do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not?Yeah. my parents are understanding and open minded and just want me to be happy sundrop; are you a morning or a night person?Nightpoppy; have you ever dealt with a mental illness?Uh yes clover; how would your friends describe you?gay, musical, a dorkdandelion; do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert?Introvertlilly; what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do? Hmm. Sports anime and gay manga anemone; describe yourself in 3 words.Sad, musical, trying lotus; best memory as a child?fishing on the little su and it’s sunny out and i caught a super huge fish and my dad’s proud angelonia; what is your eye and hair color?Hazel eyes, brown hair dahlia; do you like crystals?Yes buttercup; if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?everyone would be open minded and caring baby’s breath; what’s your hogwarts house?Slytherin calendula; biggest pet peeve?Out of tune instruments blanker flower; would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet?Read a bookblazing star; share a secret.i have a fear that everything i do is fake and no one actually likes me, they just tolerate me and don’t care. im really scared that ill mess up again and ruin this relationship and/or ruin my mental again carnation; would you rather live longer or happier?Happierpetunia; who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why?i have no idea man. Everyone is learning and trying their best and honestly small stories make me the happiest and most inspired bluebell; do you wear glasses?Sometimes nymphea; forest or river?River orchid; do you like exercise?Yeahpansy; do you like poetry?Yes morning glory; any special talent that you have?i can play sixteenth notes on a tuba at 200 bpm and i intend to go faster someday

[sntgoodposts]

Boogie and Frank Hassle

Unlike other critics, Frank Hassle is notable for the impact he has had on Boogie’s life. As a member of the comedy troupe MDE, Frank has a caustic and somewhat negative reputation, though he has never physically hurt someone in his videos, or even touched someone. His MO is to say controversial things to people, and film their reactions. However, Boogie worked himself into hysterics over Frank Hassle, culminating in attempting to murder him.

Introduction: According to Frank, one of his fans told Boogie that Frank Hassle was "coming for you”. As a result, Boogie panicked and began to DM Frank begging to collab with him. However, Frank refused. This often involved Boogie accusing Frank of trying to kill Boogie, and Boogie begging Frank not to kill his dog.

The Initial Meeting: Frank and Boogie were appeared together on the Killstream podcast in mid 2020. Boogie initially DMed Frank on Twitter to try and beg for leniency, applying varying manipulative tactics. Initially, he leveraged his usual emotional blackmail to try and tell Frank he wasn’t worth it. He accused Frank of planning to hurt his dog and family, and said he would happily be given pink belly. When Frank mocked this tactic, Boogie said he would ‘play along’ with Frank to help his audience. Boogie now tried to befriend Frank in order to stop the criticism.

As the show date drew nearer, Boogie seemed to understand that he would probably get angry on the show, and assured Frank that the ‘meltdown’ would be fake. Before the show, he told Frank he ‘trusts’ him. He demonstrated that he would not take it personally, and told Frank to ‘go nuts’.

The Killstream: On the stream, Frank called Boogie out on his signalling of children, his abuse contradictions, his weight gain and his manipulation. Boogie tried his usual emotionally abusive tactics of trying to shut opposition up by recounting his sexual abuse, mentioning his inverted penis, and talking about his low testosterone. He also warned Frank not to hurt his dog or family (which Frank never mentioned), and said that if he came to Arkansas he would be shot by Boogie’s neighbors. Frank in return insulted Boogie and told him he would come to Arkansas to document and ‘hassle’ him, and cited the SamandTolki megathread.

Notably, in the stream Boogie repeated the idea that he was a pacifist, and had  never fought back in any physical confrontation in his life after a middle school fight. Boogie claimed he had hurt a child so badly that he never wanted to fight again. This matches previous claims when Boogie has claimed to be a pacifist who would never fire a gun.

After the stream, despite insulting Frank constantly, Boogie tried to play friendly and thanked him, which Frank rebuffed.

The Next Day: The stream led to a large amount of ridicule for Boogie, further losing even more fans due to his inability to defend himself against accusations of child molestation and lies. Boogie began to claim that he had rhetorically beaten Frank. As his critics accused him of having another meltdown, Boogie and his fans engaged in mass reporting of Frank’s videos, simultaneously reporting the SamandTolki Subreddit to Reddit admins by claiming it now had an association with the banned MillionDollarExtreme subreddit.

This censorship was successful, and Frank was banned from YouTube alongside the SamandTolki subreddit. Frank tried to appeal his ban unsuccessfully, while Boogie celebrated it despite claiming to have had nothing to do with it. Frank was understandably mad at Boogie however, and promised that he would be held accountable. He made some joke Twitter posts to try and bother Boogie more. Boogie continued to worry that Frank would one day visit him.

Months later: After Frank mentioned he was in Arkansas to visit a friend, and decided to take a picture to tease Boogie. Boogie began to panic. He uploaded a video of someone casually ringing his doorbell and walking leisurely away. Critics suspect this of being either Boogie’s friend or a delivery person, but Boogie contested that it was Frank Hassle. After being criticized for the fact this person looked nothing like Frank, Boogie changed the story to suggest it may have been a friend, incorrectly claiming that he said that initially. Finally, Boogie acknowledged that it could have just been a fan or unconnected person, before backpedaling completely.

However, Boogie still felt determined to end his feelings of persecution. Initially confident, Boogie went on Keemstar’s podcast with Frank, culminating in him threatening to kill and take pleasure in the death of the bemused Frank.  In the interview itself, Frank said he had a personal friend who had been victimized by Boogie’s lies. Further, he said Boogie engages in ‘almost pedophilic’ behavior, and said he had seen Boogie coming on to girls under 25. He said “He’s a 45 year old man hitting up teens and girls in their early 20s”. In response, Boogie claimed “I’ve literally never done that, that’s a lie, why are you lying?”. It should be noted that Lucy Foxx was 20 when she met Boogie, and claimed he had come on to girls younger than her. In the interview, he said “C’mon pussy! C’mon pussy! C’mon pussy pussy! (mocking voice) I’m in your town but I won’t drive the extra three miles, I won’t drive the extra three miles because I’m such a pussy. Show the fuck up, I will end you”.

Boogie would panic after this, accusing Frank of claiming to  have evidence of Boogie’s pedophilia and abuse of women. Although he claimed this evidence had no merit, he continued to demand that Frank come to his house to debate him, while also threatening to kill him if he did show up. He accused Frank of being too scared to rise to this impossible challenge, displaying a perverse excitement.

The Fans’ view: Boogie’s fans and critics alike showed a concern and willingness to call the police, but Boogie said not to involve the police, and claimed to have contacted a police officer, who falsely informed him that Boogie’s death threats towards Frank were justified. Critics believed this was an attempt to avoid another welfare check, however as Boogie claimed to be sitting in the closet with an illegal firearm, it was certainly not out of the question.

Boogie ultimately claimed he was turning his back on the previously claimed pacifist stance, bizarrely justifying this by retroactively claiming that he had been harassed for his entire life. Some critics believed this was an attempt to try and monetize his criticism, something he has wanted to do before and wanted to do earlier that week. However, the general consensus was that this changed after being confronted with potential evidence of misdemeanors.

Rising to the Taunts: After being taunted repeatedly on Twitter, Frank understandably felt he had to confront Boogie directly. He showed up at Boogie’s house. Unarmed, and filming, he rung Boogie’s doorbell. Boogie opened the door, gun in hand, and immediately pointed it at Frank. A friend stood behind Boogie, holding Boogie’s dog as a shield. He fired a warning shot, and Frank left. The facts were clear, Boogie had broken Arkansas law by taunting Frank and firing a warning shot, and the police came to his house.  As Frank walked away, Boogie would taunt him, calling him a ‘pussy’(3:15). Boogie had the choice to keep the door closed, and knew Frank was unarmed. He also demonstrated that he was mentally aware of his actions at the time.

After Frank left, Boogie returned to Twitter to justify why he had seemingly abandoned his pacifism, claiming that Frank and the SamandTolki thread had resulted in death threats, a claim with no evidence. Boogie asked his fans to send him memes about the event and bragged about almost killing his ‘stalker’ on Facebook. Finally, Boogie declared he was going to bring a defamation suit against Frank, however given that the claims Boogie disputes are factually documented on this very blog as well as elsewhere, it is unknown how well this will go for him. A police investigation is ongoing, with Boogie’s neighbors upset with his actions.

Later that day, Boogie went on Matt Jarbo’s podcast to justify his actions, explaining how it was politically motivated to get attention to his bullying. A partial transcript of ‘Boogie’s Speech’ can be found here.

Frank would later upload a heavily edited video.

A Summary:

Boogie, by his own admission, is mentally ill and medicated. That and having a medical marijuana card federally disqualify him from possessing a firearm. Furthermore, Arkansas is a duty to retreat state and the castle doctrine only comes into effect when someone has entered your residence and poses a violent threat. Frank was not in Boogie’s home as Arkansas law does not define the front lawn as part of the residence. Finally, Arkansas does not allow warning shots as in their own code it states "what goes up must come down". Frank might be on the hook for a misdemeanor but Boogie committed felonies and bragged about it.

Did Boogie Fear for His Life? Boogie’s legal defense is contingent on whether or not he feared for his life. As a result, he has reacted with intense anger, even gaslighting Matt Jarbo on his podcast when people suggest that it could be partially staged. Frank is well-known as a prankster who is known for not physically touching his victims. Therefore it is irrational to expect him to escalate this, especially on camera.

Chronologically, Boogie’s initial attitude towards Frank was offering to play along with his ‘meltdown’. Boogie didn’t talk too much about Frank after that, but after finding out he was in Arkansas, began to claim Frank had harassed him for months (there is no evidence that this occurred). He said he had tried to talk rationally with Frank, but that Frank wanted to harm his mental health. He claimed that Frank was here to ‘harass’ and ‘scare’, and was chosen by Frank to trigger his PTSD. On the other hand, Frank has always been clear in conversation with Boogie that his main issue is with his creepy behavior towards young women, and that Frank has a friend who has been emotionally abused by Boogie.

During the shooting, Boogie acted oddly. First, opening the door unnecessarily. Boogie could see that Frank was unarmed from his external camera, and could also communicate with him from inside. In addition, he immediately pointed the gun at him upon doing this. He also stepped out through the doorway, towards Frank to fire a warning shot. Boogie acted in a way that some critics have said seems rehearsed, though displayed odd familiarity with the gun that he legally could not own. In addition, the repeated taunts, including calling him a ‘pussy’ while he walks away, do not seem the actions of someone fearing for his life.

Initially, Boogie claimed these taunts and provocations were justified, however on Matt Jarbo’s podcast, state that the police later told him otherwise. After the shooting, Boogie changed to say that he was scared for his life or health, completely going against the previous narrative. Many have raised the question that the entire series of events is fake, and an attempt to promote storyfire on Boogie and Keemstar’s part.

Boogie should not be armed

In addition to not fearing for his life, the question is also raised if a man who has admitted to wanting to use guns to kill himself should be allowed access to a gun in the first place.

[bigyack-com]

#MeToo Clashes With ‘Bro Culture’ at Ad Agencies

The empowerment of women was a major theme of Advertising Week, a yearly gathering of roughly 100,000 ad-industry people in New York. The female R&B group TLC kicked off the program with a concert called “Future Is Female,” and there were panel discussions with titles like “Mom Bosses,” “#RewriteHerStory” and “Time’s Up, Pay Up: We Will Not Wait 100 Years.”The focus on women at the September conference ignited hope that the industry had learned something from the #MeToo movement. Then came closing night, with the rapper Pitbull taking the stage to perform the hit “I Like It.” Female dancers in revealing bodysuits surrounded him as he sang, “I ain’t playing with you, but I want to play with you.”For the ad executive Heather DeLand, the Pitbull show was a sign that the industry had not really changed. “Who thought this would be a good idea?” she later told The New York Times. “Is this a tacky 2019 reboot of ‘Mad Men’?”She was far from alone in feeling that the industry has not quite broken with its sexist past. Despite frequent criticism of gender imbalance in ad campaigns and the departures in recent years of several high-profile advertising executives, the business still rewards male executives who encourage or excuse inappropriate workplace behavior, and commercials promoting stereotypical images of women have not gone away.A number of agencies have tried to address the concerns by signing on to diversity initiatives meant to improve gender and racial representation in ad campaigns and in the workplace, but their attempts have clashed with a workplace culture still fueled by testosterone and booze.Creative teams are still led overwhelmingly by men, and women make up a third of chief marketing officers, although women and men join the industry in equal numbers, according to the trade groups She Runs It and the Institute of Practitioners in Advertising. The gender pay gap in marketing exceeds the average across other industries, according to Glassdoor.The ad agency TracyLocke, which has done work for Pepsi and the rum brand Captain Morgan, signaled that it wanted to set itself apart by promoting “Feminist Fridays” on its social media accounts and hiring female illustrators to create portraits of famous women for a series called “Making Herstory.” But according to Karen Dunbar, who spent nearly three years in the Connecticut office as a freelance creative director and copywriter, it remains an uncomfortable place for women.In a discrimination lawsuit filed against TracyLocke in June, Ms. Dunbar claimed that male colleagues referred to her as a “nagging wife,” suggested taping her mouth shut, threw papers in her face and rubbed her back in view of colleagues. She also accused Hugh Boyle, the company’s chief executive, of encouraging “male managers and subordinates to incorporate” a vulgar term for female genitalia “into their workplace dialogue.” (The suit has yet to be resolved.)Teresa Brammer, the agency’s chief human resources officer, said that Ms. Dunbar’s accusations were found by external investigators to be without merit, adding that “there is no higher priority than creating a safe, fair and equitable workplace for our associates.”Women at other agencies, even those that have created high-profile campaigns promoting diversity and equal treatment of men and women, said they still experienced the sexist treatment depicted on “Mad Men.” They described an industry steeped in “bro culture,” saying they are given nicknames like “the face” and “the body” and routinely passed over when it comes time to select who goes to conferences. Like their female predecessors from decades ago, they find themselves stuck on accounts for jewelry and beauty products.Kate Catalinac, a creative director at BBDO, an international agency with headquarters in New York with clients including Alka-Seltzer, Ikea and Macy’s, said that a man working on the same account at another agency once told her he intended to rape her. She also recalled a client who offered her new luggage in exchange for sex. And she said she was asked “countless times” to arrange for coffee service during casting sessions by people who assumed she was not in a leadership role.“Honestly, I have not seen change,” said Ms. Catalinac, who has worked in advertising 14 years.Molly Dunn, a freelance brand strategist, said her 20-year career had been marked by repeated episodes of harassment, discrimination and retaliation. “Part of the problem with advertising is that there’s cachet in being like, ‘We’re all so cool, everyone’s O.K. with jokes about ridiculous things,’” she said. “It’s a lot of creative people, a lot of big egos, and there’s a huge allowance for bad behavior.”Ms. Dunn said she was working in New York this year at Anomaly, an agency whose clients have included Coca-Cola and Beats by Dre, when she received an emailed invitation to a meeting in a space described as the “Taint Table.” “Taint” is slang for the perineum; the space linked two parts of the Anomaly office. Two other women, who described their experience at Anomaly on the condition that their names would not be used out of fear of professional repercussions, confirmed that people in the company used that term for the meeting space.Anomaly, headed by a woman with a leadership team that is nearly 80 percent male, started an initiative last year called Unreasonable Equals. The goal: to improve gender equality in marketing and product design.The company also helped Johnnie Walker mark Women’s History Month by replacing the male figure on whiskey-bottle labels with a new character, Jane Walker. The campaign won industry awards but drew mockery. The late-night host Stephen Colbert noted that “female drinkers everywhere will say, ‘Finally, a brand that’s condescending to me,’” and the actress Caitriona Balfe joked on Twitter that the whiskey was intended to be consumed “whilst sitting on a lady chair, in a lady room, which is part of a lady house, in a lady city, on a lady planet.”Ms. Dunn said she believed her complaints about her colleagues’ use of the term “taint table” led Anomaly to end her contract early.Karina Wilsher, the agency’s global chief executive, said in an email that Ms. Dunn’s contract “ended amicably, but came down to underperformance.” She added, “In the agency world today, there can often be noise and discontentment. Much of it is incredibly well-grounded and motivated by a genuine desire to advance the industry. In this case it is not.”Ms. Wilsher conceded that the slang term for the meeting area was used by certain employees, but said it was not an official name. In June, Anomaly’s executive chairman, Carl Johnson, sent an email to employees telling them to avoid “stupid, offensive slang for meeting areas.”In Richmond, Va., the Martin Agency, known for its Geico commercials, tried to reinvent itself after its longtime chief creative officer, Joe Alexander, left in 2017 amid reports of an investigation into multiple accusations of sexual harassment. The agency brought on its first female chief creative officer, Karen Costello, and first female chief executive, Kristen Cavallo, in its 53-year history.“Obviously, there is a need for a new direction,” Ms. Cavallo said in a statement at the time. The agency has since said that it closed the wage gap between male and female employees and doubled the number of women on its board.Mr. Alexander, the departed executive, has fought back, filing defamation lawsuits naming, among others, the Martin Agency and Diet Madison Avenue, an Instagram account that posted anonymous reports of sexual misconduct in the industry.As ad agencies try to shed their sexist legacies, they are under pressure from some major clients to have more diversity in their ad campaigns and on their staffs. At the same time, some women have said that routine exposure to sexist workplace behavior caused them to leave the business.Karen Kaplan, the chief executive of Hill Holliday, an agency based in Boston that has worked for clients including Bank of America, said the industry would continue to lose talented women if it did not change.“We lost a lot of talent because of equity issues, and they don’t want to deal with that behavior again,” Ms. Kaplan said. “If we want to get them back, we are going to have to be very sensitive to what drove them out of the business to begin with.”More than 20 agencies have sought certification from the 3% Movement, an organization that rates advertising companies on factors like turnover ratio by gender, parent support services and depiction of gender in ad campaigns.Only seven agencies have passed, according to Kat Gordon, the organization’s founder. But one metric has improved in the past decade, she said: The number of women in top executive roles has “seen a dramatic uptick.”Deidre Smalls-Landau is one of them. In August, she became the chief marketing officer in the United States for the marketing and media agency UM, which has created ads for Hulu and BMW.“I would not say it’s been easy — I’ve almost always been the only one,” she said of being a black woman in a heavily white and male industry. “And when you’re the only one, you develop a very tough skin.”Recently, Ms. Smalls-Landau said, there has been a “concerted effort” to improve diversity in advertising. UM is now 65 percent female, with more than 40 percent of its senior roles filled by women.“We need to create a culture of belonging, where you don’t feel like you’re tolerated, but celebrated,” she said.Mara Lecocq, who has worked in advertising for 13 years, said she started a database of female advertising workers called Where Are the Boss Ladies after realizing that she had never had a female supervisor. “Agencies are giving us diversity inclusion initiatives,” she said, “but in a meeting, men will still talk over you.” Read the full article

[aximili]

axx’s big guide to gel, my 1 year timeline, and general testosterone FAQs

it’s my 1 year anniversary on testogel!!! here’s my progress! to celebrate, i thought i’d write up a big general post for people starting T, talking about my experience and what gel is like.

the most important thing i can stress here is that testosterone is a hormone and everybody’s body reacts differently. i’ll be talking here about my personal experience and things i know friends have also experienced, but i really can’t talk in absolutes.

gel - what’s different from the injection? 

for whatever reason you get prescribed gel - for me it was due to my peanut allergy - i found that all the information online was for cis bodybuilders. even the leaflet inside is completely aimed at cis men, but don’t worry. 

basically, gel is applied every day in a 50mg sachet. the time of day doesn’t matter, though i do it at night since it’s easier time-wise. it doesn’t work as instantly as the injection - friends reported instantly feeling hormonal after getting their shot, which i didn’t really get from gel - but it takes effect fast, don’t worry. 

also, if you’re in the UK, get a PPC (prepaid prescription certificate) for your prescription if you can! especially if you’re on other medications. it makes it much more cost-effective.

the gel sachets are very slippery - i expected it to be more solid, but it’s almost a liquid - so be careful when opening it. don’t worry if you don’t get it all on, you never really will, but because it’s high alcohol, be absolutely sure to wash your hands, don’t get it on your face or privates or any wounds, and it can leave bleach stains on furniture-clothing - so wipe up quick if you drop some. 

i apply gel to my upper arms and put any spare on my tummy. you can put it on most flat areas of skin i think, but check your leaflet. leave it to dry for a couple of minutes, although it usually does dry very fast, then you can dress. remember to apply gel after you’ve already washed, and try not to get too sweaty after as it’ll sweat back out of your skin. 

don’t worry too much if you do drop gel, miss a day, accidentally wash or sweat, though. as long as it’s not happening a lot, you’ll be fine. 

my timeline

i’ve put together a rough timeline of changes i noticed, based on the posts i made throughout the past year. please note that this is just what happened to me and things will vary, but to give you an idea and to show that it’ll all start soon. 

day 1 - first application.

1 week in - i started feeling the emotional effects at work. had the urge to totally roid rage at difficult customers. (restrained it). 

2/3 weeks in - more emotional. i got weepy over a lot of random shit. still menstruating also rip.

¾ weeks in - voice changes were becoming evident, though i also had a cold. i was finding it hard to pitch songs (see more below for singers) and felt my singing range had shortened, but my speaking voice was the same.

1 month in - lots of acne. started getting spots on my neck, back and arms for the first time. singing voice was getting deeper. 

1 ½ months - hairpocalypse now. thick tummy hair appeared almost literally overnight. i thought i was becoming a werewolf. it didn’t show up anywhere else. noticed more hormonal anger, i felt a lot moodier than i normally am. 

nearly 2 months - speaking voice getting noticeably squeaky and hoarse. it stayed in the awkward teenager period for a while.

2 months - moustache growth - barely visible to the human eye, but it did grow a little bit. chin fluff also appeared, although very hard to see also. menstruation definitely over - oddly enough, even though i had it super irregular so never tracked dates, i could sort of feel that it was supposed to be happening but wasn’t. 

2 ½ months - speaking voice getting much deeper. i was still automatically trying to use my head voice, but found i could go way lower than i thought when i tried.

3 months - everyone commenting on how much my voice had dropped. i didn’t entirely notice myself but in this time it got much deeper.

4 months - able to sing baritone. voice had kinda steadied out. chin hairs starting to get a little longer, but not consistently. 

5 months - i forgot to track this particularly consistently, but i had definitely gotten much coarser leg hair as well as chest, tum, butt. yeah, it unfortunately turns up everywhere.

8 months - shaved for the first time. it wasn’t particularly necessary, but there was stuff to shave off, which felt fun. 

9 months -  after this had all happened things were much less dramatic so i didn’t record much, but i started to get a lot hungrier and crave meat much more. i would happily eat a steak or burger every day now; before that was unappetising. 

10 months - friends commenting on my facial hair actually being visible to the human eye. you couldn’t really call it proper stubble, though.

1 year (now) - facial hair still isn’t growing much, voice is settled, not much else going on. my hips have definitely slimmed a lot, face has become squarer, and my muscles are much more defined, although i have also been going to the gym, but those changes have been so subtle/slow i honestly don’t know where to pin them. anyway i hope this was informative!

general testosterone things

-be patient. things will happen slowly and then reaaaally fast. the first few weeks will feel really frustrating, but then it’ll go overnight. 

-moods: i found they were about similar to PMS mood swings. i felt way angrier at bad customers than i normally do, but i didn’t lash out or anything. you’ll still be in control of yourself. hormones aren’t an excuse to be awful to people

-voice: i’ll talk more specifically for singers since i know this was a concern for me as a theatre kid. you’ll still be able to sing but you need to treat your instrument soooo gently. your vocal chords are physically changing; don’t try to make them do something they can’t. i was worried for a while because it felt like i had lost my soprano range, but not gained anything lower, but it’ll come. if you have a singing teacher, they might be able to help, but if not: stay firmly in your comfort zone, your changing voice will strain and tire much more easily. something i do actually still have a problem with now is pitching: an unexpected effect was that i lost the ability to naturally sing along to a song in tune and find the right pitch. i find myself suddenly singing completely out of tune because i’ve tried to find a note and produced something completely different. this is ok, because, of course, the voice you’ve been physically working with for years now does different things in different places. you’ll learn it again. i was still able to audition for a show just 4 months in with some careful practise. 

-hair: it is everywhere. u dont get to choose where it happens. sad but true. you can of course do anything u want with body hair, but take into consideration that it’s gonna be coarser, thicker, and appearing just,… all over the shop. like, i have new body hair on my shoulders and collarbones, even. what are u doing there?? get off! 

-acne: another unfortunate one. i got… a lot more acne this time around than i did in puberty 1.0. again, everywhere: face, neck, shoulders, back. almost everyone experiences this. of course, it’ll pass, but it sucks. makeup helps if you’re cool with that. also, my doctor prescribed me an acne gel which works very well, so if it really concerns you that could be worth asking about. 

-fat distribution: another one that can be exciting to think about, but you can’t control: i confess i kinda went in expecting my chubby cheeks to disappear and my face to get all thin and lean and cheekboney. this might happen! but it might not. instead, my face has just kind of gotten… squarer. i definitely think it’s more masculine, but it’s not like i got all angular. hip fat did go down, but they still look a bit awkward and lumpy. ur boobs might reduce but mine didn’t. of course, it has only been 1 year, but yea, just don’t expect T to produce ur dream body type.

-hunger: yeah, you might get hungrier. i found i don’t necessarily want more food, but i really do want more… meat??? i could chow down on meat every day now. i honestly don’t know how this would go if you’re veggie/vegan, so i can’t offer much advice i’m afraid. in any case be sure to try and maintain a healthy diet (i can’t really talk but hey). 

-exercise: it’s a common thing, i guess, but starting T doesn’t mean you have to go to the gym if that’s not your jam or not feasible for you. i did start going to the gym and it can be satisfying because T really boosts your muscle definition, so my arms look beefy when i flex even though i really don’t do that much. if top surgery is on the horizon, it can be worth working out, because the more muscle the surgeon has to work with, the better the finished result will be (so i’m told - 2 weeks to go for me!)

-sex: your sex drive will almost definitely go up, and there will be some Growth. that might alarm you or it might feel cool. again, this is no excuse to start acting like a creep to anyone. depending on your perspective, i guess, this could be a positive or negative development. without saying tmi: masturbation and sex are fine and u don’t have to feel bad about them. if it’s not something you have a good relationship with, don’t worry, it’s not gonna control your life. if it is: uh have fun! 

[all-brown-everything]

THE MOST INTERESTING INDIAN FILMS OF 2016

Critical writing should attempt to be somewhat objective, to rationalise and give meaning to one’s opinions, but with cinema that is impossible. Cinema deals with emotions and with humanity, very far from rationality.

To discuss the “quality” of cinema over an arbitrary 52-week period seems ridiculous, as the Indian film calendar doesn’t have the formal book-ending that the Oscars awards season gives to Hollywood (though we do have the masala noise-fest of Sankranti/Pongal movies in the early months, and the all caps BOLLYWOOD event movies of Diwali, Eid & Christmas into the second half of the year). Yet over the last 52 weeks, Hindi cinema in particular seems to have succumbed to the cold and clinical idea that we should be told exactly how to feel and when to feel it, using sound and image for little more than a beginning-middle-and-end, setup-problem-resolution, with well-oiled emotional propaganda like Dangal, Airlift and Pink. These “good” films were full of rationality in their storytelling. A rationality based on rules, commerce and market testing. You are able about to say what they are “about” in one word. So the following films are those that I found most rewarding, as they dared to be irrational. Confusing. Irritating. Sometimes boring. These are films that perhaps accidentally, embraced a spirit of anarchy and looked both inward and outward, works that felt both a sense of being inside and outside “cinema”. We know now what it means to be “good” in terms of movie making. Good camerawork, good direction, good screenwriting - these things have now been defined. All the films in this list have these features, so I will attempt not to write about them. These are the films that used those tools to do something more than tell a story. 9. Achcham Yenbadhu Madamaiyada

A. R. Rahman’s stunning song from this soundtrack, Thalli Pogathey, has a lot in common with the film itself. No chorus, no refrain. A run of melodies that never repeat, yet still never deviate from a common emotion or feeling, that layer on top of one another and build to a explosive and confusing climax. Then before you know it, it’s finished. Incidentally, the song plays over a car crash. A film with great respect for the laws of genre, but no respect for keeping them clean and intact. Boy meets girl. Boy convinces girl to go on spontaneous picturesque road-trip. Road-trip turns into insane gangster chase movie. Then the resolution of the story is so wild it might as well be from a different film, while cramming as many Tamil pop-culture movie references as possible into a five minute scene. The most stimulating thing about the film is trying to work out just how seriously it is taking itself. Depending on which end of the spectrum you answer that question, it’s either a work by a filmmaker brave enough to break every last rule and still attempt to make us feel something, or a mocking criticism of the idea that anyone ever thought it possible to even try.  8. Bambukat

Punjabi cinema continues to be thrilling, creating its own language that is near impossible to pin down. A film like this, that tells a simple and unambiguous, almost proverbial tale, seems out of place on a list like this that celebrates the subversive. But there is something more at play. The Punjabi cinema of the last 10 years has blossomed when at its most Punjabi. Initially, this cinema was very clearly language-based; stage play-esque comedies that relied on accent, wordplay and slang. But now, a love for the soil, people and culture of Punjab has created something amazing. When you love and respect everything around you, the air, the light, the sound of the wind, what better medium is there to express it than cinema? And this is true cinema. The story of two men battling it out to have the best motorbike is a gilded washing-line on which to hang these small details, these beautiful paghs and parandey. 7. Ae Dil Hai Mushkil

Usually, the thundering act-of-god is a disappointing deal breaker in films about people and the consequences of their actions (read: the car crashes in Cocktail and Kapoor & Sons), but the twist works in this film. It is the classic Bollywood trope of tragedy. Ae Dil Hai Mushkil is melodrama itself, from a filmmaker who has huge love for this very Indian art form. Aside from Bhansali, which other contemporary director still explores the meaningless calamity of human existence with such poetry and romance, and such disregard for being concise? The characters of this film are people with nothing real to worry about, who create their own problems without meaning to. And then that twist, wherein they realise even the worst thing God can throw at you is nothing compared to what you can throw at yourself. Cinema shouldn’t attempt to answer questions. It should use camera and sound, abstracts like music, poetry, colour, and other fundamentally absurd components of popular culture, and pose questions with them. 6. Action Hero Biju

Is cinema an honest medium? Is it ever possible to capture truth on camera? Action Hero Biju seems on the surface to be trying. A documentary-esque non-narrative casebook of events in one charismatic policeman’s life. With characters etched in such succinct detail despite appearing on screen for a matter of minutes, moments of devastating melancholy juxtaposed with sudden roaring humour, moments of stillness and observation ended with crowd-pleasing fourth wall-breaking masala punches, and a camera that roves like an escaped chicken in a bustling street market, this is as honest a film as you will ever see. 5. Maheshinte Prathikaram

Another film about people, the world they inhabit, and the things they do inside it. The mood and texture of this particular world, and the way in which it is communicated to us, is entirely singular. It’s all just chance. The crux of this film, and any small trace of “narrative” that exists within, is just a random chain of banal events, a farcical demonstration of the butterfly effect involving some dropped coconuts and a slapstick street brawl. What we’re left with is a film that laughs at the idea of reason, at the idea of originality of thought. Some films are brave enough to be about many things at once. Others are even braver to dare to be about nothing at all. Yes it is superbly shot and directed, with beautiful characters and performances, but more importantly it is a film that whispers to you softly, as warm water rushes around your feet, and you aware of just what it is to be alive.  4. Kali

Speaking of films that are “about” things, we have Kali (Rage); a film that can be read as another interesting exploration into the Indian 2-act structure (pre and post-interval), or a moody exploitation thriller about a road trip where everything goes wrong (and isn’t the genre of exploitation such an interesting thing for any audience to think about?), or most interestingly, a cubist dissection of anger as a concept (as emotions are to cinema what light is to painting). Then you have Sai Pallavi as a centerpiece, an undeniably wonderful actress and bonafide icon who,in 2015’s Premam, became the focus of a film about the male gaze and subsequently held the gaze of every male in the South of India. Now she is the partially seeing-eye of the narrative, and it is through her gaze and her experience that we feel the wrath of male anger weighing down on us. In the opening of the film we are treated to a character establishing flashback, a giant brawl on a college campus, shot with a biblical audacity, iconoclastic gait. In this testosterone-fueled pure masala moment, we realise how “masculinity” is rage, and how rage is, in turn, masala cinema. 3. Kadhalum Kadanthu Pogum

The hardest film to write about in the list. A film with a sense of purpose in its craft, but that left me wonderfully confused. Is it just a drama about two people from two walks of life attempting to understand each other and define the (sexual or non-sexual) attraction they both hold? Is it Shakespearean farcical comedy of errors? Is it an ode to a wasted life - a sighing, weary half-warning on chasing an idea of excitement that is peddled to the poorest, stupidest people only to disappoint them and leave them with nothing? There are films in this list that are about “issues” that affect people, where people die, and that guilt us into change with swathes of sadness. But this may be the saddest film of the lot, as it is ultimately pathetic and hopeless. You laugh at its protagonist, a failed gangster who has given up on trying to intimidate anyone and just slumps around, barely bothering to be alive. But it is a dangerous laughter, because doesn’t that person exist somewhere inside all of us? We are offered catharsis, even something of a happy ending, but like every other moment here, it is softly lined with utter nothingness. That nothingness comes from the performances, from the mood, from the camera, which ironically fill every second with great life and detail. How powerful it is to speak with such purpose about having no purpose. 2. Kammatipaadam

A truly scholarly work, that on a first viewing could be seen to be a slow-moving collection of vignettes that add up to some dramatic character arcs. But this is more than a film. It is a dense and academic study of a particular socio-political moment in time, where a city was gentrified and “developed” at the expense of its most loyal and loving inhabitants, whereby they were not fought with, but lied to, manipulated, and swallowed up by the belief that they were being helped. It is a study of an intricate and contradictory caste system, and the way it was abused and controlled by those above it to enslave the people within it. But the film doesn’t shout these things at you. In fact it doesn’t even whisper. It just happens. And you might not even notice it if you don’t read a few essays and historical books. That is how slight and personal a work this is. 1. Sairat

Then you have Sairat, which covers similarly socially important subject ground as Kammatipaadam, with considerably less subtlety. But both are valid forms of expression. In fact, Sairat is proud to manipulate you. It makes no secret of it. It does poke and prod you, and put things in front of you and ask you to answer to them, as if you are an active participant in such horrors. But it builds on you slowly, it creeps up on you, lulls you into rhythms and then wakes you up at random, sometimes with loud bangs and sometimes, even more unnervingly, with tiny scratches. This is something I’ve never felt before in a film. To say simply that the pre-interval half is filmi escapism, complete with the colourful and musical diversions that make popular cinema popular, and that the second half smacks you in the face with cold and silent “realism”, would be true but over-simplified. The second half, as quiet as it is, still sings to you. It is still untrue, still cinema in an equally calculating and designing mode. Just perhaps a less enjoyable one. Then the ending. Preachy and heavy handed, maybe. Soul crushing, certainly. But after three hours of being massaged, of feeling the warm hands of cinema all over your body (with varying degrees of lightness and heaviness of touch), to be suddenly left with this devastating nothingness, this void of humanity, is an experience. It may sound trite, but in this moment you realise that we are all at danger of being nothing but a passive audience to our own lives. Sense of self, pride in an abstract sense of community, social class – those are the biggest manipulations dished out to us by each other. To say Sairat is about caste is too easy. It is about all the hateful lies that have ever killed love. ------------------------------- Thank you and see you next year. For the record I also loved Kabali and Befikre, but wanted to maintain some air of respectability and was ultimately unable to justify my divisive love. Does that make me a failure? On that note, I shoudn’t even mention my feelings for Housefull 3. Whoops I think I just did...

[non-sequitura]

Welcome to another episode of blogging Psych info

The Survival Game 

Aggression 

-"What is the simplest way to solve the problem of scarce resources? Take what you want and kick the stuffing out of anyone who tries to stop you." = best life advice 

 -Aggression = behavior meant to harm. Most animals do to achieve goals. -Negative emotions -> aggression 

-uhhhh ooof psych textbook saying that almost all aggressive crimes done by men. Socialization + testosterone? 

-Testosterone -> make people less likely to recognize threatening facial expressions 

-Social vs. physical aggression Cooperation 

-Behavior leading to mutual benefit 

-This textbook is on crack omg "Cooperation is one of our species’ greatest achievements—right up there with language, fire, and dental floss" 

-Can be risky (just look @ game theory, prisoner's dilemma, or someone who takes advantage of others) 

-Mitigated via in-groups (can lead to prejudice) 

-Flaws of groups: indecisive, value confident delivery/status over expertise, less likely to share important information that only one member knows, tend to polarization of opinions (surprise surprise, discussion RARELY actually leads to more open-mindedness), groupthink (consensus&harmony > decision-making) 

-Deindividualization (doing bad things bc of lack of individual responsibility) and bystander effect 

-Groups can lead to less anxiety, depression, loneliness, and disease (wow - more mental health = physical health evidence) 

 Altruism 

-Common debate 

- is altruism natural or a choice? 

-More cooperation -> chance of survival bc of reciprocal altruism 

-Humans do random acts of kindness (unique among animals afawk) -Some have even risked life for strangers Lmao this next chapter is called The Mating Game Selectivity 

-"With the exception of a few well-known celebrities, most people don’t mate randomly." WTF TEXTBOOK 

-On avg women more picky abt partners 

-"Would you go out with me?" = 50% M&F "Would you sleep with me?" = 75%M 0%F

-I'm just gonna quote this whole thing "if a man makes a 'mating error' and selects a woman who does not produce healthy offspring or who won’t do her part to raise them, he’s lost nothing but a few minutes (OMG TEXTBOOK OUT HERE ROASTING MEN) and a teaspoon of bodily fluid. But women produce a small number of eggs in their lifetimes, conception eliminates their ability to conceive for at least 9 months, and pregnancy produces physical changes that increase their nutritional requirements and put them at risk of illness and death. So if a woman makes a mating error, she has lost an egg, borne the costs of pregnancy, risked her life in childbirth, and missed at least 9 months of other reproductive opportunities." 

-Social costs of promiscuity 

-Generally, women can afford to be choosier 

-Men just as selective when stakes are high (e.g. choosing a long-term partner) Attraction 

-Situational (ppl make efforts to like people more if they have to spend time around them) 

-Proximity (exposure effect) (explains why mirror-flipped images look weird to us) 

-Primary initial attractor = appearance (height/weight, or just weight for women). Those deemed attractive -> higher salaries -universal beauty standards: symmetry, triangle(M)/hourglass (F) shape, younger (F)/older(M). Does vary a lot by culture, though. 

-Longer relationship lasts, less appearance matters 

-universal personality standards: wit, ambition, loyalty, trustworthiness, kindness 

-societal similarity attracts societal similarity (bc validation, being liked, ease of relationship) 

 Relationships 

-Long-term relationship culture bc of length of raising kids 

-Passionate vs. companionate love (historically neither important)

-Relationships last so long as perception of benefits vs. costs remain favorable (dep. on alt. available partners & investment) 

-"would you like to sit w/ me" instead of "may I sit with you" (sounds weird, but apparently more likely to yield a 'yes') 

Controlling Others (3 main susceptibilities to social influence) Hedonistic Motive -Seeking pleasure, avoiding pain 

-Too harsh can backfire (also, rewards need to be consistent, or behavior might decrease later) 

 Approval Motive 

-Being liked (and not dying) 

-Social norms include norm of reciprocity (benefit someone who benefits you), conformity (doing what others do), obedience (doing what important people say) 

Accuracy Motive 

-Attitudes+beliefs being correct 

-Informational Influence (imitation of others' behavior), persuasion (systematic = appeals to reason, heuristic = appeals to habit/emotion), consistency (whether new info matches with old knowledge) 

-Consistency alleviates cognitive dissonance 

-"We are motivated to be consistent, but inevitably there are times when we just can’t—for example, when we tell a friend that her new hairstyle is 'daring' when it actually resembles a wet skunk after an unfortunate encounter with a snow blower." This textbook cannot stop roasting people omg.

-Larger rewards = less cognitive dissonance 

-Why the "most students don't drink heavily" campaign is more popular these days 

Understanding Others Stereotyping 

-Inferences from categories -

OK THIS IS GENUINELY FUNNY "Once we have identified a novel stimulus as a member of a category (“That’s a textbook”), we can then use our knowledge of the category to make educated guesses about the properties of the novel stimulus (“It’s probably expensive”) and act accordingly (“I think I’ll download it illegally”). What we do with textbooks we also do with people. No, not the illegal downloading part. The educated guessing part." RIP my plans to illegally download people

-Often inaccurate (L) bc of selection bias, overused (average /= all), & self-perpetuating (listing own race at top of test made some minorities perform worse on the test) 

-Perceptual confirmation (tendency to see according to expectations) 

-Largely unconscious & automatic, but can be slightly trained away. Most effective techniques involve visualization of things that defy the expectations, rather than "try to be less prejudiced." Attribution 

-Judging entire characters based on individual actions (lack of context) -Situational (due to situation), dispositional (due to personality) 

-Correspondence bias = much more likely to attribute dispositional vs. situational attributions 

-Actor-observer effect (situational for self, dispositional for others). Reversed by seeing videos from others' perspectives.

-10/19/20

[exjade]

From: source

A detransitioned woman recently conducted a survey of detransitioners (Stella, 2016c). Though the survey was only open for two weeks, more than 200 women completed it. Clearly, there are more than just a handful of people who are coming to re-identify as female. The survey results are compelling.

• 92.5% of those who responded said that their dysphoria was the same or better after detransitioning than during transition.

• Only 8% of respondents felt somewhat or completely positive toward their own transition, whereas 60.2% felt somewhat or completely negative toward it.

Following are quotes from the individual comments included by survey respondents:

• “I used transition as self-harm. It destroyed so many parts of my life.”

• “My seeking medical and social transition led to a deep spiral of depression and lack of identity—and was probably also caused by those things. The social ostracization led to increased anxiety and my grades were devastated.”

• “I was a train wreck waiting to happen and transition fed the insecurities, anxiety and hopelessness” (Stella, 2016c).

The following is a quote from detransitioner and blogger Max Robinson, with her permission:

I transitioned FtM (female to male) at 16, was on testosterone and had a double mastectomy by 17. 

I absolutely am traumatized by what happened to me, and I'm not the only one. I'm a part of support networks for women who stopped transition that have over 100 members, and that's just the individuals who have gone looking for others with this experience and found us.Early in my transition, I went through menopause. This caused vaginal atrophy and drip incontinence that has persisted for years. I piss myself slowly all day now; it's really not cute or fun. I refused to acknowledge it was connected to the HRT-caused vaginal atrophy that immediately preceded its onset until months after going off testosterone. Yeah, I signed a paper saying I knew that could happen. I also thought this treatment was my only hope for coping with the intense feelings of alienation/disgust with my femaleness. I was wrong. Transition didn't help. It did harm, harm that I now have to learn how to live with on top of all the shit I thought transition would fix.

My double mastectomy was severely traumatizing. I paid a guy, a guy who does this every day for cash, to drug me to sleep and cut away healthy tissue. I did this because I believed it would heal all of the emotional issues I was blaming on my female body. It didn't work. Now I'm still all fucked up and I'm missing body parts, too.

There is no surgery that will undo what's been done… adding synthetic materials to resemble the tissue of mine that was incinerated years ago would not help me. It took 3 years of stuffing down every negative feeling about my mastectomy before I was ready to face that what happened did harm to me. I was off hormones for months before I admitted to myself that I deeply, deeply regretted this surgery. I have lost my breasts and I have lost the chance to reconcile with my breasts. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be work worth doing. Now the work before me instead is reconciling with what I've done and with the chest I have now—flat, scarred, asymmetrical, and nerve-damaged. (Robinson, 2016)

Detransitioner and blogger Cari Stella went on testosterone and had a double mastectomy as a teenager. In a video she made, she lets viewers know that she is not just some statistic. Looking right at the camera, she tells us that “I'm a real live 22-year-old woman with a scarred chest, and a broken voice and a five o'clock shadow because I couldn't face the idea of growing up to be a woman. That is my reality” (Stella, 2016a).

It has been demonstrated that pediatric transition can have serious side effects and comes with the possibility of a high incidence of regret. Now I would like to discuss how social factors and therapeutic practices are playing a role in encouraging young people to transition.

In recent years, young people (tweens and teens) have been presenting with dysphoria “out of the blue” without ever having expressed any gender variance before (https://transgendertrend.com/rapid-onset-gender-dysphoria-research-study/). An announcement of being transgender is often preceded by anxiety, depression, social isolation, loss, or trauma. This now-common presentation was virtually unheard of until a few years ago. The sudden onset of gender dysphoria seems to be correlated with a couple of factors.

One is social media use. On sites such as YouTube, thousands of homemade videos chronicle the gender transitions of teenagers. The Tumblr blog “Fuck Yeah FTMs” features photo after photo of young FtMs celebrating the changes wrought by testosterone. “I finally have freedom!” posters boast under photographs of their scarred chests post mastectomy. “I'm no longer pre-T!” boasts another under a video of someone injecting testosterone. “My name is Cameron! I'm a nineteen-year-old nonbinary/trans person living in Ohio! I'm excited to say that yesterday was my first injection! I am so happy with the person I am becoming.” Almost all of these posters are under 25 years of age.

Young people can find plenty of in-group validation online. There is an incredibly positive climate around being trans in many places on the Internet. On just one of the hundreds of thousands of YouTube videos that document the poster's “top surgery,” there are 48 comments such as:

“Can't believe how far you've come! You are amazing in every way!”

“So proud and happy for you.”

“You are totally rad.”

“By the way, you are totally attractive.”

Young people are also finding validation online for their self-diagnosis as transgender. The blog transgenderreality.com meticulously details the process by which a questioning young person is encouraged to understand his or her symptoms as evidence of being trans. Young people on reddit and other social media sites explain that they started wondering whether they were trans because they enjoyed creating opposite-sex avatars in online games and liked the clothing or hairstyles of the opposite sex. Commentators frequently respond by telling them they sound like a “textbook case” and congratulate them on “finding out early.”

The second correlative factor is having peers who also identify as trans. We are seeing kids coming out together in peer groups. The following quotes are all taken from parent comments on the blog 4thwavenow unless otherwise noted.

We are a progressive family caught in the teenage transgender wave. It's so scary. I can't even put it into words. What we are seeing are pockets of teens in different towns who are declaring themselves either non-binary or transgender. In many cases, these are teens who showed no gender variance at all, and then they get connected with a group in their high school, and suddenly a large percentage of them are identifying this way. The information they find on the Internet convinces them that physical transitioning via hormones and surgery is not only the only way to go but should also be available to them right now, as soon as they want it. I am very concerned that the medical community is not looking at the sheer number of teens, post-puberty, who are making these kinds of declarations and asking whether this can be genuine or a temporary stop on the process of figuring out one's identity as a teenager. Peer influence is just so huge in these kids. As soon as they turn 18, they are seeking medical intervention, and the model now is informed consent, so we have lots of teenagers and young adults making permanent changes to their bodies when their brains have not yet reached adulthood. Very, very scary.

In my daughter's extra-curricular activity, one of the groups has about 20 kids in it (all teenagers). Seven of those kids are natal females. THREE of those seven females are publicly out as FTM. This does not include my daughter, who has never come out publicly. So four of seven girls have some issue with gender identity. Of the three girls who have socially transitioned, one is on testosterone and has had surgery. All are under 18. All of them made this discovery after puberty.

My daughter befriended some trans kids from her acting troupe. When you look at this group, each year they are something different. There are kids who, upon joining, are just “allies,” the next year they are bisexual, the next year they are gay, and then the final year, they are trans. And at every step of the way, they are being applauded and receiving so much positive support from themselves, each other, the group, the grownups, and the audiences they address (I call this the “echo chamber”). But it's fishy. Why are there so many kids who, the more they hang out, all of a sudden, they are trans too? It doesn't make sense.

My daughter, who is 17, told me last year on Mother's Day that she was now my son. When I began researching this subject, I was extremely concerned with the medical intervention that takes place with these children. Then when I went to a meeting for parents with transgender children, I was shocked about how all of these parents were jumping on the bandwagon of drugs and surgery without questioning. They even complain about wait times for surgeries! Unfortunately, here in Canada, children as young as 16 can make medical decisions for themselves and parents are not allowed to intervene (and surgeries are free).

My daughter decided she is transgender just as soon as she learned of it as a concept, in her senior year of high school. The previous school year she was dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress. She learned of transgender from a small high school group of friends. The university diversity center director took a group of transgender students to a free gender clinic, where my daughter then returned and received, after a single visit, a prescription for testosterone.I am the mother of a young man in his late 20s who, within the space of just a few months of bingeing on reddit and YouTube transition videos, decided that he was transgender, and is undergoing transition at a frightening speed. Obviously, he is old enough to do whatever he pleases, and all I can do is grieve quietly as I watch him from afar as he destroys his physical and mental health.

In my local high school my daughter is in the marching band. She plays an instrument, but she is friends with many girls in the color guard. There are about 25 members of the color guard this year. All of them are natal female. Last year my daughter told me that almost all of them felt they were lesbian. This year, almost all of them feel they are transgender, agender, or, at the very least, are questioning their gender identities. I've noticed that many of them have similar haircuts and that some of them are binding. Many constantly discuss their gender identities and agonize about “coming out” to their parents. Their lives seem to be focused on this subject 24/7, which has driven away certain non-transgender friends. No adults have stepped into help, even though they are aware of what is happening. (Anonymous, Private correspondence, 2016)

[fashiontrendin-blog]

Taking Hormones and Teaching My Body a New Language at 29

https://fashion-trendin.com/taking-hormones-and-teaching-my-body-a-new-language-at-29/

Taking Hormones and Teaching My Body a New Language at 29

I

’m 29 years old and going through puberty. My goatee is humble but hopeful. A few days ago, I got carded trying to buy a lighter (which means they thought I was younger than 18). But I’m also an heir to genetics that had my parents completely silver-haired by age 40. So, while I have a pubescent mustache, I also have half-gray, long wavy locks that make me look like a late-20s Poseidon. If this feels like a riddle, apologies. A lot of my life has felt that way, so you can deal for a little bit.

I am sitting in the doctor’s office on the exam chair with my feet dangling freely. This obviously makes me think that it doesn’t matter how big or grown or serious a person might be: If they sit in a place where their feet don’t touch the floor, they look absolutely adorable. There are no exceptions to this rule: Football players, supermodels, soldiers, reverends, rappers, I don’t care. Adorable.

I sit up straight when I see the nurse approaching and the big piece of parchment paper on the exam chair crunches underneath me. Her scrubs are eggplant purple. There are tiny daisies on her shirt. A small silver cross dangles from her neck when she leans forward. I list these small, uncomplicated facts in my own head. They calm me somehow.

For the last two months, a nurse has stuck a needle in my thigh every two weeks to inject an amber syrup that soaks into my muscle then spreads. This little liquid dose of testosterone is teaching my body a new language so that it can finally tell my story. A less poetic breakdown: I am a trans-man, a FTM (female-to-male) transgender guy, at the very beginning of my physical transition.

This little liquid dose of testosterone is teaching my body a new language so that it can finally tell my story

On this particular day, two months after starting on hormones, I am supposed to give myself the shot for the first time. My nurses know that I do not want to stick a needle in my thigh because when they told me I should, I said, “Hell no I am not going to do that.” I am not stressed because of the pain. I don’t care about that. But I am incredibly squeamish: I don’t like the concept of flesh when I really think about it so piercing a huge chunk of it with a sharp metal tool makes the back of my throat itch. But I can’t go to the doctor every two weeks for the rest of my life. So from this day forward, I will do this for myself and by myself. I have to be my own nurse now.

At my last appointment, the nurse told me to practice the injection on an orange. This made me uncomfortable, picturing the amount of force sticking a needle in an orange would take. I told my friend this story and he said, “No offense, I don’t think your quads are as tough as an orange.” I was indeed slightly offended, which confused me.

Today, my nurse finishes laying out the syringes and says “Okay! It’s time! Let’s do this!” When someone is chipper while you’re distressed, it can really go either way. I decide to let this go toward the “finding comfort and inspiration in your optimism” direction. I pull down my pants, proud of my underwear selection (purple with gold triangles), and the nurse uses two index fingers to demonstrate the motion of cleaning the surface: concentric circles out and away.

The nurse asks me questions to keep my mind occupied, but I am in one of those places where a simple question from a low-investment audience still sends me into an existential spinout. I know it is just social protocol, simple space-filler fluff, but “How are you doing?” is actually a really intense question to me right now. I just say to her, “I am excited and impatient and emotionally it feels like I have to pee all the time.” She smiles but I don’t think she gets it.

The nurse hands me the syringe and she gives me a half-supportive, half-“get over it,” half-smile with a half-raised eyebrow. Everything about sticking this inch-long needle into my own thigh is counter-intuitive. Everything about what it will do for me is essential. I shake my head no, but my hand is in cahoots with my heart and stabs my leg gently. (Update: It does not feel like an orange, more like a pear.) I pull back the handle of the syringe, then push the liquid in. I pull the needle out. I feel no different.

Today I told my doctor: Let’s up the ante, rev the engine, get this show on the road! I’m talking more milligrams, baby. Hit me! She blinked slowly at me and said, “You can’t rush this. Flooding your system with testosterone will not make your body instantly match how you feel. Puberty isn’t a two-month process. Neither is this.”

I try to stop myself but still, I have to ask: “Okay I hear you, but how long are we talking until I have a full beard?”

She half smiles and says, “Think about it this way. High school boys have the most testosterone of anyone on the planet and it still takes years for most to grow a full beard.”

No matter what dose, I never get to be a high school boy. No matter how quickly I physically transition and move forward into myself, I can’t go back in time.

I feel more of a pinch from these words than the needle in my thigh. No matter what dose, I never get to be a high school boy. No matter how quickly I physically transition and move forward into myself, I can’t go back in time. I don’t get to re-do my first puberty. And while the pubescent experience is a weird thing to long for, and being jealous of the 15-year old boys I see on the train is a strange thing to feel as an adult, it’s all real. These things just remind me of what I don’t get to be.

I won’t get to be a young boy, a dumb boy, a heartthrob boy, a varsity running back boy, an artsy boy, a mysterious boy, or the rabbi’s hot son, boy. I will have to make do with my real puberty now, at age almost 30, bracing for acne, proudly sporting a goatee that looks drawn on with a pencil, and already so horny I spent my subway ride home the other day picturing making love to the (quite stunning) 60-year old woman across from me on the 3 train.

My doctor told me to settle in for a long road. I said, “Fine, whatever.” Because it’s true: What change can be so instant? (Except the terrific and tectonic shift from alive to dead, capable of being catastrophically quick. Besides that, what transformation can we really rush?) We’re not fucking muffins. We cannot use the heat to make the leap from batter that can be poured and molded to something solid, of substance, that teeth can sink into, all within minutes.

This is magic, but it is not a trick. I am the rabbit and the hat.

I call my mother to tell her I gave myself the shot today. She genuinely celebrates my accomplishment, but she has a kidney stone so I don’t know which pain her voice is wearing.

A few weeks ago, she told me she doesn’t know if she will be able to call me her son. I said, “Okay, I don’t care, just don’t call me your daughter.”

She said, “So what do I call you?”

I asked her why we are so concerned with what we are called. I guess the thinking is: If we are not called something, then how do we know we exist? If the idea of us does not find itself in the bed of another’s brain, to later rise and get dressed in that name, how do we know who we are?

I am practicing dressing myself in my own name.

My mother said she feels every single thing I feel. I told her that sounds exhausting and insane and she sighed. “So, what do I call you? Not my child, because you are grown. Not my baby, even though you are my baby. How about my bunny? Or just, my T.”

I told her, “Yeah, just tell people, ‘this is my T Bunny,’ that will really clear things up for them.”

I tell my mother she has to call me “he” even if it takes work. I tell my mother I will call her and I don’t. I tell my mother they call me a monster and she roars. I tell her they call me a freak and she cries. I tell my mother I am here, no matter what sounds we wrap around me, no matter what body I hang out in. I am here, now more than ever.

T. Wise is a writer, comedian, and lyricist. Follow him @thatlittleboyblue and visit thatboyblue.com for upcoming shows.

Photo via Getty Images.