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#indentity crisis
mothlingmeg · 1 year
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being copied by someone used to be your friend is the worst thing ever.
especially when you have BPD and you are already struggling with your identity.
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cowboylikeghost · 1 year
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College is time for burn out and identity crisis
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healingafterabuse · 1 year
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11/21/22
So after doing some research, I think I might be a sex neutral/sex favorable grey asexual. Besides my hormones fluctuating as a teenager, I've never been too interested in sex. Hearing my friends talk about their one night stands or even sex in their committed relationships felt very different to my own views on sex. I felt more disconnected to sexual desire than my peers but I thought that I just had a low sex drive or that everyone around me had an incredibly high sex drive that they needed to get in check. Turns out, most people wouldn't rather just 'take care of themselves' and get it over with than have sex. They don't view sex as a chore.
However, I'm still pan-romantic and trans masc so not everything has changed. I just need some time to feel out this potential new identity.
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Can we talk about how Howling by Noah Kahan is truly the song that breaks me. Every time i’m having a mental breakdown i listen to that song on repeat and read All for the game fanfics.. Literally could take y’all lyric by lyric on why this song is amazing!
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paulnova · 1 year
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i feel like them
Scrimblo beebo goo
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ambermation-art · 2 years
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Peel it Off
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inalandofsadclowns · 10 months
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"So where are my flowers?"
"I heard Morgana got some. Is she the only one to receive a token of your affections?"
would you stop being so selfish and not demand his attention for like one second? because while you're away in the clouds thinking you two are having a sparkly moment, the only tension merlin is feeling is over not getting exposed for treason. come on he's obviously not even processing your words right now, he's too busy finding the druids and helping your sister HE'S NOT.WITH.YOU
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ittybittybumblebee · 3 days
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i want to see exactly how many people actually have thought i am for research because ive gotten this quite a few times from different people i just wanna see how far it goes
#please understand while im not doubting so much now im not going to base off everything by peoples perceptions of my online behavior but#i feel like it does give good insight#i just always have a little hesitation in me because i feel like no one can get a full scope or honest picture of myself to Know me enough#to say that i can trust their opinion of me without knowing me enough in that sense#gahh. cuz i always feel like im doing Just Fine Enough i feel normal enough but im not guhh.#GUHHGGGHGH#it literally wouldnt change anything for me. like im autistic . ok! shrugs my shoulders. i cope i cant to anything more to help myself#than that#do u guys get it. do i have to go eat bricks or do u guys get it. my internal struggle. im like sisyphus#i cant trust other peoples opinions of my and i cant trust my own perceptions#while of course self diagnosis is a wonderful thing i dont want to put a name on myself that serves me no purpose#autism is awesome but do i deserve that title when dont feel like i own it wether i am autistic or not#im just so conflicted.#do you get it. do you get me. am i being reasonable . am i just fighting a truth about myself or are my doubts realistic. but the Evidence.#im so tired#i do not wanna b one of those tiktok girlies saying theyr hyperfixated on cooking pasta#Now do you get me#all my long winded rabbit trail rambles out of me before i finally get to my one point condensed conclusion#and now i just cant delete the rest of my tags because of all my time spent on them#enjoy my indentity crisis lol#i Might delete some of these tags later
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transboysgetknives · 5 months
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reminder
its okay to change your name. your pronouns. your sexuality. your gender. its okay to change them if youve used them for years. its okay to change them if youve only just started using them. its okay to change your identity. it doesnt matter what peoples opinions are. it doesnt matter if people complain or struggle to get them right. its okay to change yourself no matter how suddenly or for what reason. its your identity. no one elses.
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tone-rion-official · 7 months
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computer has felt sorta empty lately :<
any1 wanna hang out or do something? im bored... and kinda tired :/
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plutoslvr · 7 months
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just finished and posted my new tim and dick fic where its the two times dick gets tim a skateboard and the one time tim gives one back
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bottomvalerius · 11 months
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Going to a play party for the first time in fucking MONTHS and it’ll be the first time I’ve gone to one without my ex domme and I’m feeling such a variety of emotions, and I will be channeling them all through peepaw angst lmfao
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gumballrightfoots · 2 years
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Y’all ever have someone call you pretty boy and handsome and now you’re tryna figure out if your
Gender guild or non binary
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fishing-for-blood · 6 months
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Thinking about that one post for a Tumblr user is briefly lamenting the revelation they had about accidentally making a theme in all of their writing to be grief. Glancing nervously at the pile of stories and characters I have after having a similar realization.
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digiweed · 1 year
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OK I'm gathering that Seattle is too the States what Montreal is to Canada.
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lovelybucky1 · 7 months
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Nectar- Tommy Shelby x Reader
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warnings: AFAB!reader, f receiving oral sex, fingering, mentions of masturbation, blasphemy kink, church sex, heavy religious themes, corruption kink, dirty talk, canon typical violence
masterlist
The church is quiet like it always is at this hour. The pews empty of parishioners, the confessionals vacant, and the lights dim. The priest and almost everyone in the neighborhood have long been in bed. You, however, were wide awake.
You’ve been working in the church since you were a girl, per your family’s wishes. It’s mostly charity work: caring for the sick, poor, orphans, and others in need. You also spend a fair amount of time working inside the church, cleaning and whatnot. It is fulfilling work, but it doesn’t offer much in terms of pay, so you don’t have much of a space to call your own. That is why you spend your nights in the empty church, alone save for the conversations you have with God.
Since you spend so much time in the church, you’re pretty familiar with the congregation. It’s not often you see a new face unless a new family moves to the city. When you heard the heavy oak doors open, you were expecting a devout Catholic in crisis, not the notorious crime boss, Tommy Shelby.
You watch from the first pew near the altar as he walks down the aisle toward you. His hat and coat are wet from the rain, and once he takes a seat a few rows behind you, he takes them off. You’re confused, wondering what he could be doing in your church in the middle of the night. Part of you feels nervous, knowing that danger never follows far behind a Peaky Blinder.
“Good evening, Mr. Shelby,” you decide to speak up, voice kind and sweet as always.
Tommy’s eyes flick to you, but his expression is unreadable. “I’m not dead yet, eh?” he says. You look closer at him and in the dim light, you can just make out the dried blood splattered on his face.
So maybe it isn’t a good evening. Nevertheless, he has come to a church and he is allowed sanctuary here. You make your way over to where he sits and you stand at the end of the row, obviously looking hesitant if his glance is anything to go by.
“Do you mind if I sit?” you ask. Instead of a response, he cocks his head to the side in a way that you’re interpreting as go ahead. You sit down, pressing your knees together to make yourself as small as possible. There is about a foot of space between the two of you, but even still, the proximity to him is overwhelming.
As the two of you sit in silence, your mind starts to wander. You know his Aunt Polly is Catholic; she frequents the church, though she never attends the services. You’ve overheard her prayers before, and you understand why she prefers to pray in private.
“Are you Catholic, Mr. Shelby?”
Your desire for conversation seems to surprise him. He glances at you out of the corner of his eye before he goes back to looking straight ahead at the altar. It takes him a few moments to respond, and you can see the inner battle on his face as he decides how to answer.
“No,” he says.
“I see. Your Aunt is, though. I see her nearly every day.”
“And she’s a fool for it.” The bitter tone he takes only gives you more questions.
“I take it you don’t believe in God?”
“You’re quite inquisitive,” he says, shooting you a look. “God abandoned me long ago.”
You sigh. Many of the men held the same sentiment after they came back from the war. The horrors they experienced in France, the death and destruction took the fear of God away from these men. Now, all they fear is each other.
“It’s never too late to find him again,” you offer. Tommy lets out a dry, humorless chuckle in response. “You can still be saved.”
“I’m past the point of saving. I’ve got a spot in hell waiting for me.”
You frown at that. “God is all about forgiveness. God will even forgive men like you as long as you accept him.”
“What’s the point in asking forgiveness if I don’t indent on stopping?” he asks, leaning back in his seat, making himself look more intimidating. “And what do you mean, men like me?”
As if someone dumped a bucket of ice water on you, you immediately realize your mistake.
“I didn’t mean to offend you, sir. I just meant men in your… line of work,” you say, trying to backtrack.
“And what line of work is that?”
Tommy is sitting up now, leaning just slightly closer to you. Now that he is fully facing you, you can see the blood on his face, but by the lack of injuries he has, you’re suspecting it’s not his. His gaze is piercing as he stares into your eyes, smirking as he waits for you to respond.
“I-I don’t know.” With a small, satisfied smirk, Tommy leans back again. “I’m just saying, sir, you haven’t strayed too far from God’s light.”
That makes him chuckle again. “I see. So all I have to do is absolve myself, right? Confess my sins and I’ll be God’s child once again?”
He’s toying with you now. He wants to see if you are devoted enough to your God that you’d try to convince the biggest sinner in the city to become a religious man.
“That’s right,” you smile softly, still hesitant from your previous slip-up.
“Can I confess to you?” he asks.
“I’m not the priest-”
“I want to do this now. I want to find God.” His voice is so earnest that you believe him.
“Okay,” you agree. It’s about confessing to God, the person doesn’t matter. “We can go to the confessionals.” You begin to stand, but he stops you by grabbing your wrist.
“That’s far too formal, don’t you think? We can do it right here,” he says, the faintest look of mischief in his eyes.
You nod and sit back down, folding your hands onto your lap. Tommy slides off the bench and sinks to his knees on the floor, hands clasped in front of him.
“Bless me, for I have sinned,” he begins, looking into your eyes. “It’s been many years since my last confession. In my time away I’ve done many bad things, terrible things, that make me ashamed to look in the mirror. I’ve lied, stolen, scammed, and gambled. I live a life of deceit and greed, and I’ve found great success in doing so, but those are not the sins that weigh heaviest on me.”
You watch him intently as he speaks, your eyes tracing every word his mouth forms. Your heart begins to beat quicker in your chest; the idea that you’re getting access to information only meant for God makes you feel guilty, but it’s also exciting in a strange way.
“I’ve taken many lives. During the war, I was ordered to, but I continued once I came home. I’ve killed in every way imaginable. Shot in the head, slitting their throat, hanging, drowning, burning, suffocating. I’ve had men ripped apart for betraying me, and I did not feel remorse. I watched these men suffer as my men tortured them. I laughed as they pleaded for God to save them.”
Tommy doesn’t look as remorseful as most do when they’re confessing their terrible sins. He almost looks proud, like he’s bragging about them to you as you squirm under his gaze. The graphic descriptions he’s offering make you uncomfortable like your skin is too tight on your bones. Like he’s corrupting you just by having you listen to his tales.
There is a blaze behind his light blue eyes that captivate as much as they scare you. They bore into your soul and peel back the layers, revealing all of your inner thoughts. It makes you want to run away screaming, to pray for God to rid this world of the devil in front of you but you’re stuck, frozen in front of him as he confesses.
Tommy takes a breath as if what he is going to say next brings him great shame. As if he hasn’t already confessed the worst sins man could commit.
“Perhaps worst of all, I lust. I lust after women and I envy men with beautiful wives to the point I take them for myself. I’ve had many married women in my bed, as well as hers. I fuck whores too, but only the pretty ones. And they can’t be cheap, because those women can’t keep a secret. I don’t only fuck them in the bed. I’ve fucked in my office, my car, and my pub. It doesn’t matter who these women are, but once I have my sights set on them, I am determined to get what I want.”
The confessions about his sex life shock you. Of course, you know people have pre-marital sex and affairs are common, but you’ve spent your life in the church. You don’t hear of these things frequently, and you feel bashful because of his vulgar words. Tommy holds eye contact with you as he speaks, though you find it difficult to meet his eyes.
Your body betrays you now; you’re unsure how to react. You should be scared, you are scared. There is a murderer less than two feet from you, splattered with someone else’s blood. However, he has a soothing, gentle voice, kind eyes, and a soft smile. It’s hard to believe that the man on his knees praying to God is a monster, but you find it harder to believe that there is a heat growing between your thighs from his confessions.
The vivid images of Tommy with some faceless woman play in your mind. You imagine the way he’d look lost in pleasure, carefree and blissful. You imagine how his rough hands, which are currently clasped together, would feel on your skin. You imagine how his voice would sound in your ear, how his lips would feel as he whispers.
Your heartbeat picks up in your chest, a physical reaction from the fantasies. Your skin feels hot, burning with shame as you pray that Tommy doesn’t notice your current state.
“And finally, I’d like forgiveness for lusting after the church girl who was stupid enough to think she could show me the light,” he says, hands now dropped at his side and gaze predatory.
Entranced by his words, you didn’t notice how close he had leaned in, now only inches from your face. Your breath hitches in your throat and for a split-second, you think you see Tommy’s eyes on your lips.
“Sir?” you ask, voice no more than a squeak.
“I appreciate your efforts, dear, but I sold my soul many years ago.”
Tommy’s eyes are sharp and his grin is wide as he leans closer to you. He has lured you into his trap and you fell for it like a fool. Now, helpless and trapped, he is going to swallow you whole. Your heartbeat throbs in your ears, almost downing out his sweet, deep voice.
Tommy places his hands on your knees, and even through the fabric of your skirt, you can feel the coolness of his skin. The touch, although not sexual in nature, electrifies you. A shiver runs down your spine and Tommy must notice if the slight smirk is anything to go by.
“Are you alright?” he asks, a teasing lilt to his voice.
“Yes,” you choke out.
“Would you mind helping me?”
You furrow your brow, now much more hesitant to do anything for him. Your heart is still hammering in your chest and you’re certain you are trembling slightly.
“With what?” you manage to ask. Somehow, even on his knees below you, Tommy makes you feel small.
“I need something new to worship,” he says.
Tommy slides his hands down your claves until he reaches the hem of your dress, which he then pushes up to reveal your stockinged legs. He gently guides your knees apart and you allow him until you feel too exposed. You resist against him and he looks up at you with a questioning look.
“I-I can’t,” you say.
“You can lie to yourself, you can lie to God, but you can’t lie to me,” Tommy says, grasp still from on your knees but no longer pushing. “You want this.”
You look away, over your left shoulder as you try to hold onto any of the values you held before Tommy entered the church. You’re saving yourself for marriage, and even worse, you hadn’t formally met Tommy before tonight. There’s no love, no future, between the two of you. It goes against everything you have been taught since you were a girl, but he is appealing to the primal side of you. The side of you that slips your fingers underneath your nightgown after you say your nightly prayers. The side of you that allows your eyes to linger on the men in the chuch during service, even as their wives and children sit beside them.
Tommy is not putting the thoughts of sin in your head, he is simply tempting you to act upon the urges you have felt for years.
“You’re the devil,” you whisper.
“And you’re the fuckin’ Virgin Mary,” he counters. “You spend all your life worrying about what’s going to happen when you die. How about I show you what it’s like to live, eh?”
You set your jaw, trying to save a bit of your dignity before you give the man on the floor permission to debase you. You squeeze your eyes shut and nod your head, but that is not enough for Tommy.
“I need to hear you say it.”
You wonder if he is really concerned with how much you want this, or if this is just another power move. You swallow thickly and resolve yourself to the reality of the situation: if you want anything from the devil with the silver tongue, you’ll have to play his game.
“I want it.”
You’re Eve, and you have just been tempted to take a bite out of the apple by the snake.
With a wicked grin, Tommy presses a kiss to the inside of your knee and, embarrassingly, the contact makes you jolt. He removes your shoes, unbuckling them quickly and with ease, then placing them underneath the pew. His hands reach up your skirt to grab ahold of the top of your stocking. He gently rolls them down your smooth leg and pulls it off your foot before turning his attention to the other one.
It is unnecessary for him to undress you like this, especially when your stockings wouldn’t be an obstacle. There is something about being unusually bare in a church that makes you ache with guilt, and Tommy must know that. He seems like he knows everything.
He bunches the skirt around your upper thighs and he spreads your legs farther. This time, you don’t resist. You swear you see his mouth water when he catches a glimpse of your white knickers, pristine and perfect like a good girl should wear.
“What a precious little thing you are,” he grins.
Tommy ducks his head and drags his nose along your inner thigh until he reaches your clothed mound. He presses his face between your legs and takes a long, slow inhale like he’s smoking a cigarette. His fingers press firmly into your legs and you’re certain you will have bruises left behind. You should be upset about that but truthfully, you’ve longed for something like this.
Tommy’s fingers find the edge of your panties and gently push them to the side, exposing your pussy to the church air. Your breath hitches in your throat and you watch as he stares shamelessly at you. He swipes his finger through your folds to gather your wetness on his fingertip. He brings his hand back to show your desire glistening in the dim light.
“What’s all this?” he asks smugly.
“Don’t make fun of me,” you huff.
“Oh love, I’m not making fun. I think it’s sweet how worked up you got over nothin’.”
Tommy leans in again and his hot breath fans over your cunt, which now feels cool from being in the open. You shiver with anticipation as he nears, and your body jolts when his tongue makes contact with you. It’s a light, barely there touch but it sends an electric shock through you and elicits an embarrassing moan.
You hear him chuckle, but he doesn’t stop or say anything else. He licks a stripe from your entrance to your clit, then back down. Your hands twitch at your sides, fighting back the urge to grab him, not wanting to show how much you’re enjoying his torture. He knows, of course.
He works you up slowly, not giving too much attention to one spot, not making you too sensitive. You keep your attention focused on him, watching intently as he pleasures you. You don’t even feel the sting of his nails digging into your thighs when he sucks on your clit.
“Sir, please, this is wrong,” you try to reason, but your broken, airy voice sends a different message. You don’t want him to stop, you’d probably cry if he did, but it’s still wrong. It’s still a sin.
You hold on tightly to the edge of the wooden bench to ground yourself so you don’t get lost in the pleasure. Part of you realizes how ridiculous this situation is: a notorious gangster eating out an innocent little church girl. Another part of you couldn’t give less of a shit and just wants to cum.
“Mr. Shelby, please,” you whine. It’s unclear if you’re begging for more or to stop, but Tommy doesn’t seem to care either way. He’s going to give you what he wants and nothing more, nothing less.
He slides two fingers into your soaking cunt and curls them against that spot deep inside of you that makes your toes curl. He fucks you with his fingers and works your clit with his tongue, and you feel yourself nearing the edge faster than you ever have before.
You build up to your peak, and after a particularly harsh suck to your clit, you begin to cum. Your orgasm shutters through you, making your legs twitch on his shoulders. You let out an unintelligible whine as you grip the bench. Despite having cum, Tommy doesn’t let up on his assault. He continues to suck on your over sensitive clit until you’re shrieking and pushing his head away.
He chuckles and sits back on his heels, looking at you with a glistening face. He makes a show of pushing up his sleeve and wiping his face with the back of his hand. You want to close your legs to stop the cool air from hitting your sensitive cunt, but he is still in the way, keeping you exposed.
“Nectar of the gods in there,” he smirks, glancing down at your soaked pussy.
Without another word, he stands up. He picks up his hat and coat, and begins to walk down the aisle, leaving you alone.
“Wait,” you say, voice echoing in the church. He stops and turns around, eyebrow raised. “That’s it?”
“What more do you want?” he asks.
“What about you?”
Tommy chuckles. “Such a generous soul. I’ll take care of it myself, love. You just get to prayin’. We did a lot of sinning you have to repent for.”
You sigh and nod. “Will I see you again?”
“If I decide to become a priest,” he says with a smirk before turning on his heel and continuing out the door.
You know Tommy Shelby will never turn to priesthood, but you do have a feeling he’s found something in the church worth coming back for.
my inbox is open for requests!
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