#internally. to myself. and to tumblr c:

[kuiinncedes]

lasdkfgdnlfj

[sailoryooons]

THIS BLOG IS NOW ON A HIATUS.

I will leave my works available to read and interact with, but otherwise will be doing nothing for them.

For those who would like to remain in touch, please feel free to reach out for my Discord. I'd be happy to provide it to stay in touch with mutuals. Additionally, I will be active on my SVT blog unless that kpop group also decides to show a pattern of questionable behavior that makes me uncomfortable with participating in fandom.

This hiatus does have the possibility of being removed, pending how BTS moves forward once they're all together again.

MINI NAV

M. LIST | FIC RECS | SVT BLOG

More details on why I have decided to go on a hiatus below, however I offer some trigger warnings of frustration with BTS and their associates, HYBE, mentions of racisms and fascism and abuse.

Note: If you disagree with me, that is totally fine. This is 100% a personal matter, reaction, and opinion.

I want to start this by saying that I am fully, entirely aware that the United States of America is not the center of the universe, and thus, the complexities and intricacies of what's going on here, our culture, the way we perceive information/material is not the same as everywhere else.

That being said, I will not remove the autonomy and access to information that idols and their companies explicitly have. Pretending that idols and their companies know nothing of the artists they choose to align themselves with is not only unequivocally false, but it is a disservice to the intelligence and autonomy these individuals have when actively making decisions that do not align with my beliefs. I will not diminish idols or strip their choices of meaning just to make myself more comfortable.

I'm feeling really frustrated and disappointed. This is not the first time I have spoken about BTS members associating with someone who has questionable morals (Kodak Black, a convicted rapist; Don Toliver, accused of rape), but today made me really stop and think about how I would like my relationship with BTS to proceed.

Today, Yijeong (El Capitxn) and his company announced that they produced and are actively promoting an album and music by Kanye West that is explicitly about being a Nazi.

Honestly... I don’t know where to begin. I have so many complicated, heavy feelings about the recent uptick in racist content in kpop and with this situation, coming from someone so closely tied to BTS both professionally and personally, I just cannot minimize it.

Working with a self proclaimed Nazi to create music with anti-semetic messaging that blatantly claims and revels in it's Naziism, additionally with KKK artwork on the cover is stomach-turning.

I gave BTS the benefit of the doubt when they stayed silent on Palestine. I gave them the benefit of the doubt when HYBE placed Jimin on a track with a convicted rapist. I gave them the benefit of the doubt when Hoseok collaborated with an accused rapist. I gave them the benefit of the doubt when Jungkook’s entire album rollout was overseen by Scooter Braun, who is a proudly vocal Zionist.

BTS built their platform on a foundation of advocacy and they spoke out against misogyny, racism, and international injustice. But these repeated, troubling affiliations with people whose values completely contradict those principles.... feels like a betrayal and just a total shift in ideology and mindset that I cannot understand and I feel very uncomfortable in this space right now.

I genuinely - with my entire spirit - hope Yoongi and other members of BTS never associate with Yijeong or his company ever again. And while I do believe people are not always defined by those they associate with, something of this magnitude cannot be overlooked the same way I've done in the past with a frustrated sigh and a heated Tumblr post that made me feel temporarily better.

As always, I’m waiting to see how this unfolds. But I need clarity and confidence that these associations will not continue to taint the space BTS has created. I need a reason to believe that BTS still stands for the things they once spoke so powerfully about.

Until I get some assurance or examples that they will not continue to associate with these people when they have exited the military, this blog will be on a hiatus, which may become permanent, if there's not a path forward for these types of associations.

Edit because some people seem confused: I personally do not feel comfortable being in this space while this is going on. Anyone else is free to do what they want - I do not have any qualms about anyone else interacting and loving BTS. Please feel free to do whatever you want I literally have no opinions on it. Additionally, I'm not calling BTS bad people. I'm saying I'm uncomfortable right now in this space, which is why I am removing myself and advising everyone else to do whatever makes them happy, no judgment!

[linaliteracy]

If you only knew... pt. 1

Pairing: Banchan x y/n (she/her)

This is my 1st fanfi c on Tumblr! English is not my first language.

Summary: Where Bangchan watches all your moves on social media but is too scared to do something.

💐

Bangchan knew your instagram. You were a close friend of the guys, so it made sense for him to follow you with his finsta.

He liked watching your highlighted stories and enjoyed them even more when he was in them. In the special highlight that you had names "happy times🧸"

He was eager to watch new stories or a new post you uploaded. He knew that you enjoyed taking pictures and that you were insecure sometimes, so he wouldn't miss the chance to comment that you look stunning. He enjoyed it so much, especially when you answered with an emoji or with an internal joke you guys had.

One day, Han saw him watching your stories. Both were sitting on the sofa of the studio, waiting for the rest of the guys so they could follow with the recording session.

"Aren't those from last year?" He asked curious, peeking over Chan's shoulder. He quickly turned of the phone and looked at Han.

"No. Those are new. You just didn't see them"

"You are lying. You were stalking her," Han pointed a finger, and Chan just dismissed him. That made Han laugh, and the other guys appeared. Bangchan looked at Han with daggers in his eyes so the secret would stay that way, secret.

Chan relaxed around Han. He would look at your profile when he was around until the question popped out.

"You like y/n, right?"

It was late at night and both were at the studio, so Chan saw no point in denying it, it was late and he needed to vent about his crush.

"She is just so beautiful" he sighed "But don't tell anyone, Han. I just..."

"What if she likes you?" He inquired with a smirk.

"What do you mean? "

"I could ask her, you know" he kept writing something on his laptop, as if he hadn't just given Chan the greatest but most childish opportunity in the world.

"I should tell her and find out by myself. It's more fun that way."

"Good to know, because she just sent you a message" Han pointed at the phone and there it was.

y/n🩷: a funny thing just happened

y/n🩷: *voicemail*

"You even have her with a heart." Han punched him while laughing. "You are lost, man"

And Bangchan knew. He was lost and really liked you, but he wouldn't want it any other way.

[twopoppies]

Hi Gina!! First of all, I wanted to thank you and Daisie and everyone else here for the amazing Larry masterlist. I'm a new larrie myself, though I've been around the fandom since 2011 (tho not super closely) when WMYB MV was released. I was deep diving on receipts, and as per usual, I took it all in with a grain of salt and kept all my conclusions rational and unbiased. I just wanna add something you might consider a receipt, connecting to one of the tour receipts ones I’ve read on Daisie’s tags (I dove into both yours and Daisie’s tags lol). This isn't so big and new at all but I thought I'd add. Sorry in advance if I am too vague with this lol

A quick context: I had worked with small event productions here in my country, and had become pretty close with suppliers (tech, security, venue, etc). I got curious about an entry I read from your receipts tag which happened in an international tour here. Anyway, I am pretty close with our security supplier, and I thought I'd check if there were traces of them working with the boys. After a few google search, I saw them with Louis on a video during his tour here - confirming that at least for that show, they did work with Louis. He has been very open to me ever since we met, so when I DMed him about being involved in the show, he enthusiastically answered that they did all 1D-related ones in the country.

Anyway, bottomline, I tried to ask if it's true that Louis was here during Harry's concert because I've kind of heard it somewhere (being the receipt I read from Daisies' account). That’s when he got weirdly super silentl and left me on ‘seen’/‘read’ (which had never happened EVER before). I waited with the chat box open; he se seemed type after a few mins - and then stopped completely. When I realized he (c)wouldn't reply, I didn't push it and said he doesn't have to respond and that I respect if he’s bound by certain contracts. After that, he immediately replied, basically just saying "Thank you" (for understanding, essentially). We just chatted a bit more before ending the convo.

So I guess I'd say it somewhat solidifies that theory in my head because I personally know them, and if there's really something super big they cannot share at all, they WONT. I knew there was something because it was almost comical for me how he suddenly left me on ‘read’. So if it's not a big deal at all he would've shared because we've talked about other works they've done in the past (he was so enthusiastic and shared all the names of the shows they've done with 1D a few mins prior lol) - but when I specifically asked if Louis was with Harry here for his tour, he immediately closed off and stopped replying - and THEN thanked me when I said he didn’t have to reply lol (I didn’t ask anything else, just that exact wording, straightforwardly asking if L was there during H's show, and I didn’t phrase it in a playful or teasing way like I am implying there’s smth gossip-worthy between them I'm fishing out of him)

ANYWAY, I’m not even sure if this is worth posting but I needed someone to share it with and I thought it could be like a backup info for the future hahahaha I am trying to be vague because I do want to protect myself and my (in a way) source (?). But if you need any clarification from me - I’d be open to elaborate more in the dms (I’m rusty with tumblr so I hope I can navigate this properly lol)

Ofc, a part of me wish I could've gotten something, but I also respect them for staying quiet. And even if they did share something big, I might've had second thoughts on sharing bcs I was mainly asking it for my own sanity tbh, knowing that I knew who the security team was lol So I guess my point of sharing this with you is to basically share that the usual NDA thing with H&L, whether as a whole 1D unit before or as solos, is definitely enforced here. That the silence somewhat solidified my belief of other Larry receipts such as 1.) in relation to the Argentinian security confessions, and 2.) the receipts pointing out that those two fly together sometimes in the tours.

Idk if this is worth posting at all, but I just really needed to let it because I feel like I might be getting biased but also not (it was very fishy for me for sure lol). Thank you!

Hi, darling. No, it’s totally worth posting! I agree with you that it says something without saying anything. Are you able to tell me what year you were asking about? Or what country? I won’t post anything you don’t want public.

I’m really glad to hear that people take their NDAs seriously and even if it was from years ago they would still be professional about it.

Thank you so much for sharing this. If you think of anything else you can add, LMK. Or send me a DM. I’ll keep it private. 🩷

[mer-acle]

*chucks this at you nicely* Hope you're having a good day!

Go nuts I want to hear it!

Oh boy XD

It is hilarious because whenever somebody says something like that, I just go like, I have never had a hyperfixation my entire life XD

[I did this as a recording at first and edited out literally three minutes of me trying to find a topic, I am a mess]

We could actually, I'm just going to talk about MS Word shortcuts…

I do love using shortcuts. I have been taught that way by unfortunately my dad but we endure lol (I am not happy whenever I realize that I have something from my dad because I don’t really want to be like him. (He’s like… like Zeus from SW. So. You know… There are my “epic Athena fandom” daddy issues)

But yeah, shortcuts. So basically he taught me to like use some basic shortcuts back in the day, like, uh, Ctrl + C (copy) and Ctrl + V (paste).

I’m really well-versed in MS Word cos I’ve just been using it for so long and I’ve discovered a bunch of features one way or another (seriously guys use the “Styles” tab it is the best thing ever)

(Tangent incoming)

▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣

So two semesters ago, I was in an internship as a graphic designer or like marketing person in general. And I had not enough to do. I was like running the whole department on my own because they were cheap like that, they just took an intern and made her run  the racket and then just let me struggle because I was simultaneously the person that didn’t even have a degree and the only person that knew anything about graphic design at all. But even so, because I was very efficient, I didn't have enough to do. Like I had to work 40 hours, which was not fun and it definitely took years of my life. (We will see how many it were) And there was not enough work for me for even half of that. , so I was bored. All. The. Time. It was terrible. So I tried to find extra work that I hadn’t been assigned just to keep busy cos the 40 hours are still mandatory even if there are wasted… gods I hate this system more than I can put into words. So I was doing the most random things in between to just keep myself busy because like, otherwise I would have literally died.

So at one point I researched all the Microsoft Word shortcuts and compiled them and printed them out for myself because maybe there’d be some useful ones.

And during the internship, I didn't really get to use them a lot because I didn't really write a lot, but I ended up keeping some in mind for later.

▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣

So what I can really recommend to get used to is Ctrl + I which makes your text italic (works on tumblr on PC as well btw). And the same works with, um, Ctrl + B for bold and Ctrl + U for underline.

Next part I had to translate from the German keyboard so I hope they still work; which is the “Home” key (Pos1 in German) and the “End” key, which let you jump to the beginning and end of your line respectively (also Tumblr PC functional) The keys are above the number pad on my keyboard I don't know if this helps lol

And there's another feature that Word has that has made my life so much easier, which is in fact the autocorrect function. How it works by default is just normal word replacement, but you can customize it with your own rules. For example, my word replaces “ofc" with “of course” automatically because I created a custom rule for it, same with other text-based abbreviations and such.

Quick tutorial on how to do it, you write down the word you want (in my example, write “of course” then select it), then go to File > Options (on the bottom left) > Proofing (in the popup) > AutoCorrect options You’ll have a little table where “of course” will already be written in, you can then put “ofc" in the left box and click “Add” and bam, new autocorrect rule.

And that’s honestly so helpful, cos I don’t have to rethink the way I write on Tumblr or text and can just do the same in word.

I also literally the day this ask came in, had another idea how I could use this function (hence why we are talking about it lol, I am excited about it) You might have seen dividers using symbols on Tumblr like ▣■▣■▣■▣■ these, and normally you have to copy-paste these from somewhere cos obviously there’s no key on the keyboard for it (you will still have to on tumblr I fear, this is still Word specific, unless you write your tumblr posts in word which… I am literally writing this in word right now cos it’s relatively long and I’m paranoid to lose it) Either way, so what I did is the exact same thing, I made myself an autocorrect rule that makes /// automatically be replaced by ▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣■▣

So now instead of a tedious copy-paste job I hit the / key three times which makes me unreasonably, stupidly happy honestly (btw if you want it to not be replaced like I just needed the /// to stay like that for explanation purposes, you can just hit Ctrl+Z)

Lol that is the most random post I have on tumblr I bet lol, but I mean, that's the, that's the assignment, right?

But yeah the Tasha made herself a stupid little rule on her stupid little computer and it makes her writing process just a tad easier and she felt like she had everything figured out for a little while.

Welp hopefully this wasn’t too boring, maybe it’s helpful to someone even… at least someone using Windows (and MS Word) lmao

[jayparked]

i sent this one in too 🫠 (https://www.tumblr.com/jayparked/775295439925837824/can-we-talk-about-nico-jc-that-man-has-me-by-the)

for the sake of your mental health i’m going off anon LMAO bc clearly i was not meant for the anon life:’)))

no but FR as someone who biases taki, maki and nico it’s like awwwwwwwWOAHWOAHHOLDTHEFUCKON i can’t handle the vibe switch up most days hahaha

maki is only like 7 months younger than me but he seems super reliable and mature:(( it’s gotta be bc he’s an idol because guys my age do NOT act this way LMAO (man is legit a cleaning fairy HUH?? meanwhile guys in my lecture haven’t heard of deodorant). i’m not saying jealousy = immaturity but yeah i don’t see him being like super jelly, ‘possessive’ is definitely the right word!! (also, lore drop i was born and raised in germany but i went to an international school so my german is lowkey cooked too lol i only speak boomer german rip. so everytime i hear him speak it its like ‘ah. you’re me if i was a dude and actually did arm day, wassup lil homie’).

hanna cooked with her take though holy guacamole 🧎🏻‍♀️

silently possessive is so much more powerful than someone who makes a big deal imo >>> like… yeah honestly do whatever you want it’s free game atp

that being said i will be harassing you with more jo and nico thoughts kshsisjkqj- ik you said you like spam but if it gets out of hand please please please let me know lol (i find myself sending like 3-5 asks a day and i’m like?? what spell did you cast on me lmao there’s times where i’m not on tumblr for weeks and now it’s like one of my top battery drainers)

the way i thought that one was you too but i was like...nah LMAO i'll still give you the snowcone tag c:

i agree maki does seem very reliable and mature in a sense that i think he knows when he needs to be serious!

definitely a possessive guy ☺↕ (help im on my laptop why do the emojis look like that omfg)

omg my girls are from germany that's crazy! if it helps my german is also not good (i dont know any german) ((which is kinda crazy since lia has been my best friend for years now and hasnt made me learn it yet))

hanna is way too good at what she does she makes me suffer on the daily (it's what i live for) but dw i get her back plenty 😏

i am nervous ready for the jo and nico thought spam! i love talking about them 🥺

(it's bc i'm a libra i have an addicting personality being so alpha sigma and all 😏)

[fierceawakening]

Because it’s on my mind , I wanted to talk a bit about what I remember of baeddelism when I’d was going around.

Full disclaimer I am not a trans woman, nor am I doing research on the era. So I neither claim to be unbiased nor do I claim to accurately remember everything. I just want to set down what I remember so I have it.

My recollection of how it started was that a trans woman user on tumblr noticed an etymological chart on I think Wikipedia, which said that the English word bad is related to an Old Norse word baedle, which was a term for an effeminate male. In that culture such people were seen as evil or creepy for doing woman things, and their doing so was associated with what we might call black magic.

A group of trans women on tumblr really liked this, and embraced the insulting ancient term in a similar way to how many people embrace queer. “You call me bad for being AMAB and a woman, I call that fine with me.” Baeddel started popping up in lots of trans women’s usernames.

(I do not know if the etymology is accurate. Nor do I know if the ancient term referred to people considered feminine men, considered gender confused, considered to have women’s temperaments or souls, etc.)

What you also saw with this group, though, was an emphasis on being assigned male (as they phrased it, CAMAB for Coercively Assigned Male At Birth, a phrase that has been criticized as ripped off from the intersex community, where people are recognized as physically ambiguous at birth by doctors but a binary assignment is picked anyway.) This was a little surprising at least to me, as the movement I was seeing was away from terms like MTF or FTM that emphasized assigned sex.

So you started seeing the mocking trans men phrased as mocking AFAB people. “Theyfabs” was popular, the idea being that trans masculine people say we don’t fully identify as men because we don’t want to get kicked out of women’s spaces, a neat trick we get to do that trans lesbians don’t.

But our AGAB is fixed. It’s something a doctor says and that gets put on a birth certificate. Once you have it, it doesn’t change.

Which leads to seeing people as inherently evil or inherently good. If you’re (C)AMAB you’re a victim, doomed to be mislabeled a predator. If you’re (C)AFAB you’re privileged, destined to get all the pussy be accepted by lesbians.

But whenever people make a trait destiny, the lends itself to Manicheanism.

So how do you get from “we trans women are cursed to never be accepted” to “we must be put first?”

Well, there’s already an echo of that in leftism anyway, and most gay and trans USians are leftists.

Leftists really like (for good reason imo, I count myself somewhere between “pretty lefty Dem” and “less extreme progressive”) the idea that a lot of social inequality is about certain groups being left out of the discussions and events that shape policy and culture, so the thing to do is listen to those voices first.

Couple that with “around birth you’re sorted and that sorting matters, but for us trans folks that sorting is wrong and painful, and you get, from virtuous to vicious:

Transfem: assigned male, rejects patriarchy/opts out. Most virtuous.

Cis woman: assigned female, oppressed by pstrarchy. Fights oppression but not by leaving high social starts behind. Pretty mid, unless they’re a TERF.

Cis man: assigned male, benefits from patriarchy. Doesn’t reject it, as he’s got a fairly cushy deal and why meds with that. Kind of gross, as shown by unwillingness to refuse the system.

Trans man: assigned female. Opprsssed by patriarchy. Deals with it by doing everything possible to reject assignment. Essentially begging for status and not caring who knows ir. Selfishness incarnate. Pretty fuckin evil.

Some people might think this couldn’t possibly be how any transfem person thinks—isn’t being trans about internal feelings, not relationship to patriarchy?

Usually, yes! But I think the emphasis on ASAB, coupled with the (correct) idea floating around that you don’t need dysphoria to be trans, led these people to focus less on internal sense and more on politics.

My evidence for this belief is that you started to see a lot of posts by these particular transfems saying things like “Ever wanted to be a girl? You can just be one! No particular internal states required!” You started to see a lot of talk by these blogs about trying to look for and crack eggs, talked about less like “I’m going to go look for nominally cis men who seem unhappy and tell them transition is possible” and more like “I’m going to plaster this everywhere to recruit.”

As I see it, the reason everyone is suddenly so chatty about transmisandry is not that we just made it up. It’s that these people had a stranglehold on discourse for a long time, and transmascs who saw it could either openly reject it and be labeled MRAs, silently ignore it and not be heard, or believe it and internalize that choosing not to just live with our dysphoria (when transfems get to have HRT for theirs!) makes us literally evil and selfish.

It often takes a while, when someone is no longer being abused, for them to come up with language to describe what happened. The reaction can be immediate, but can sometimes be a few years delayed. That’s what I think happened here. You’re seeing us talk about transmisandry now because we’re feeling safer to say “no, that’s fucked up, we aren’t just sex gods at the dyke bar, listen to us.”

Do I think that everyone around currently who thinks “transmisandry as a term implies misandry is systemic, and we shouldn’t do that” ascribes to this weird valence flipped “assigned male good, assigned female bad” gender essentialism?

No, but I think it’s reasonable to wonder if someone might, and thus reasonable to say “don’t tell people to stop using that word. Replace it in your head with ‘transphobia,’ shrug, and find another hill to die on.

[sgiandubh]

Thirst

I just made the huge mistake of taking a stroll down the comment rabid hole (pun totally intended) on Instagram and I am very tempted to say something along the lines of 'don't try this at home'.

I mean, I knew Tumblr is OTT and X is gladiatorial, but to be honest I had no idea Instagram could be at the same time LOUD, jejune and raunchy.

Louder than a floral dress at a funeral, y'all. Compared to what I could see, C's comment threads sound like a Victorian parlor chit-chat.

It felt like landing in a chicken coop, but make it international:

No, #silly - it's a selfie. Also, why should he (or us, by the same token) care she's late for the gym (some A-class ass-kissing there, too).

A Frenchwoman: 'my big teddy bear' 🙄 (also slang for a middle-aged, hairy and yes, fat guy - but let's not insist). At the same time, someone in America spit out her (sweet?) tea, bless her heart. The third comment is a kind, decent person (no wonder, she's a vet student), lost in an ocean of drooling.

Yet, this remains unparalleled:

I am not asking 'who are these people', because even sarcasm must have limits. I am rolling my eyes and telling myself he can't possibly enjoy this. After just three minutes of scrolling, my head started spinning with nausea: there is something cannibalistic about all this. Oh, no, no, no: he can't possibly enjoy this.

Yet, here we are. And sugar on top, someone we all love to hate chiming in:

(bless him, he did not answer)

I am at a loss. The worst of it? I bet whatever you want many of these women don't read the books, watch OL for the biceps only and don't even buy the booze.

Why, oh why, then? Who the hell told this man this is the way to make it?

I almost forgot - nothing better than the resort's sales department intern to add even more smoke and mirrors to the game, as in 'not a latergram' (my right foot):

I am probably naïve, but I don't care. This is so wrong and unfair, in so many ways, I can't and don't even want to start counting.

[hmsharmony]

Hi all! This shouldn’t come as a surprise given how infrequently I’ve been on this year, but I’m officially going on hiatus from tumblr (and probably fandom as well). I honestly thought I had processed October 7th and the antisemitic fallout with my therapist, until she left the practice just last month. I was anxious about who I might end up with, so I asked if she could recommend any Jewish therapists in her practice, which she did. Of course there’s only so much you can tell from a therapist’s bio, but I chose one hoping I wouldn’t end up with someone who had not internalized antisemitism.

I did not.

I ended up with someone who has had a similar experience. And when she revealed this, a weight I didn’t even realize I was carrying suddenly disappeared.

We had our first meeting last week and discussed what I had worked on with my last therapist. Of course that included work we did re October 7, and when I started going into specific, I started crying. My new therapist then gently asked me if I had processed the trauma. I responded that I thought I had, but maybe not (very obviously not). She then added “living as a Jewish person” to the list of things we would be working on (a first for her, she said).

“Okay, but how does this relate to tumblr?” Good question! The answer to which I’m putting behind a read more because no one should be forced to see my more detailed account of trauma I’m still processing.

Twitter and tumblr were the two social media platforms where I encountered the most antisemitism starting on October 7. It’s where I saw friends and acquaintances justify the massacre of Jews because they happened to be Israeli (or just in Israel!). It’s where former friends admonished me for how I reacted, insisting that it didn’t matter WHAT I was reacting to, as if it was unthinkable to have heated reactions to antisemitism following the worst massacre of Jews since the Holocaust. I had my trauma dismissed or ignored. A mutual revealed for the first time that they were Jewish and, in the same breath, used that newly revealed identity to dismiss my experience. I was told by person a, b, or c that x, y, or z mutual couldn’t possibly be antisemitic because THEY had never experienced that when interacting with them—an argument person a/b/c rightfully called out in other contexts. And, of course, seeing non-Jewish mutuals refusing to allow Jews to define Zionism, aka the Jewish movement of self-determination, and defining it in a way that vilifies 80-90% of all Jews worldwide. The blood libel. The conspiracy theories. The spreading of Soviet era antisemitic propaganda. And on and on and on.

I closed my Twitter account only a month or so after October 7, and I haven’t returned. I didn’t think that was necessary with tumblr because it’s easier to cultivate one’s experience. Yet even though I KNOW I’ve taken the steps to limit my exposure to antisemitism, every time I think about opening the app, I am filled with dread. And I think it’s because I still haven’t processed not only the antisemitism I experienced in those first few months on here affect October 7, but also the sense of betrayal (see: how the previous paragraph is filled to the brim with bitterness). Also, unlike with the other social media sites I’m still using regularly, I don’t have close friends here, particularly ones who are calling out antisemitism. There are plenty of people I follow on tumblr who have been calling out antisemitism (although most of them were people I found after October 7). I am so grateful to those people, Jewish and non-Jewish alike, but they’re not close friends. My close tumblr friends, most of whom remain close friends, left tumblr a long time ago. Having joined a new fandom, I was building new tumblr relationships in 2022/2023, but then October 7 happened, and with it everything I said above. Perhaps not surprisingly, I’ve since closed myself off from new relationships, even with people I had already started to get to know. That makes for a very lonely experience, which is never a great feeling but is a particularly awful feeling when antisemitism remains so high.

All of this to say: until I process everything, I think tumblr, and fandom by extension, will continue to feel hostile and isolating, regardless of whether it actually is. I really, truly hope to return to tumblr and fandom in the future. I’m hopeful having a therapist who has personal knowledge of antisemitism in the wake of October 7 will mean much more effective therapy.

Fandom has been part of my life since I was nine years old, when I waited impatiently for my AOL dial up to connect to the internet so I could find out why Sailor Moon was no longer playing on Cartoon Network—and discovered fan fiction in the process. Since I was nine!! That’s more than 2/3 of my life. I want to feel comfortable again in a world that has informed so much of who I am. Which is why I’m very hopeful I will return, even if I don’t know how long it will take.

So until then, 👋🏻.

(If we are mutuals and/or have interacted a fair bit before and you would like to stay in touch, I will be checking my messages for a bit and, depending on our history, can point you in the direction of the other social media I’m still using.)

[not-poignant]

Im really sorry if this is too personal please ignore me if it is but i saw your post just at the right time and im just, im struggling in my twenties at the thought of possibly having did right now. And you say you "used to", can i ask how you healed?

A lot of therapy, anon.

It does tend to show up in someone's 20s, and I went the path of Internal Family Systems Therapy (also known as IFS or IFST) which is extremely useful alongside the three C's (Compassion, Communication, Co-Consciousness).

I wasn't aiming to eliminate any alters, and anyone who wanted to stay as a separate alter could, but I taught myself through the help of other/s to be self-compassionate, to open up opportunities and methods for communication (which also included art, writing, journalling, etc. in fact the very first tumblr that 'I' ever made was actually made by an alter, and was originally called artforartists - it's now renamed and run by 'me' because Dani has absorbed back into the system, but you can still go to the earliest entries and see her in them.

It took a few years and I didn't rush things. The main thing to know is that while it feels extreme, it usually comes about as a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation, and it usually becomes very manageable with self-compassion (to all yourselves), impartial judgement, open communication, compromise (i.e. if you have an alter that wants to play video games 24/7 to the point that you're losing weeks of memory, find out small areas of compromise where they can be given something in exchange for something), and sharing consciousness where possible (co-consciousness).

It's very scary at first but imho for me personally, it has been the 'easiest' of all of my diagnosed disorders to deal with. I still have severe treatment-resistant depression and I still have severe treatment-resistant PTSD/C-PTSD, but my DID went into remission after about 4 targeted years of therapy. It's now DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) which means I don't have the symptoms enough to qualify for DID anymore, but I still have a system prone to dissociation / derealisation / depersonalisation and I have days where some alters are fronting a bit more than the central self, but I usually just use it as a sign that I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, rather than a sign that there's something wrong with me.

I'm extremely zen about it, tbh. And look, I didn't have the goal of 'absorbing' my alters (or them dying or w/e), I didn't set out with the idea of getting rid of it so much as learning how to live with different people who have different opinions about things in my head. But through the course of IFST and giving everyone a voice, that started to happen anyway. Healing doesn't always mean 'getting rid of alters' it mostly just means getting a handle on the memory loss (which is the most severe part of the disorder for me) and the polarisation so that it becomes regular dissonance and not so distressing it causes someone to switch. A person can be fully healed from DID and still have alters that front, if there's co-consciousness and communication for example. This was actually what I was aiming for, it just didn't end up being my outcome.

You may not be able to access therapy or IFST, and it can be hard to find DID-friendly therapists who know what they're doing, but you can actually look up and explore IFST on places like Instagram and in books like No Bad Parts and start doing the work gently already. (IFST isn't just or only for DID patients, but it is uniquely very well suited to them).

It can be very scary at first, anon, to think you might have this. Because it's a highly stigmatised and misunderstood disorder. At its root it can be understood as 'a child who didn't understand how to cope with something, at the time of personality formation, just developed a new personality to deal with it. But as a result of this, their brain got so good at developing new personalities that it became a maladapted coping strategy, and as an adult they can learn ways to cope that aren't splitting, switching, or losing memory with compassion and self-understanding.'

And honestly we all have a lot of maladapted coping mechanisms and the whole journey of life is learning to unpack them, and repack some healthier coping mechanisms into the lunchbox. And that's really about it. Still very scary and upsetting to go through, but also not a mysterious, "insane" thing. <3333 If you can reach out for help, please consider it, but otherwise do look into IFST. I started working on those strategies long before I found a suitable therapist and I honestly feel like just the mindset of radical self-acceptance and self-compromise and self-compassion was - while extremely hard to do often - the key for me, and some of those things will at the very least be helpful for you.

[alexwrekk]

It's International Zine Month and a fellow zinester and tumblr friend, @custer-mp3, could really use some help!

This was written by my good buddy @jonasty1

My dear friend Julia needs help relocating following an eviction. It is a terrible situation, and it is urgent. This is after a legendary run of bad life luck. I can't sit while my friends fall. Thoughts and good vibes are neither currency nor a safety net.  Julia is a wonderful person, and a gifted writer. Their zines about being non-binary resonates in a way that I've rarely read elsewhere. I admire them in many ways, and care about them quite a lot. They are falling right now, and need to know that someone is here to catch them.  They need money for a move, and about 5k to secure a new home (deposit, first and last month rent). The struggle is real. It's daunting, but everything we can raise will go far. I used to have this fear, that I would lose my job, lose my home, lose my means and find myself alone to fend for myself. Maybe most people have this fear at some point. I just have to trust that people who care would do everything to catch me. They would be the lifeline, the ladder--even when I felt as though I were becoming an emotional and financial burden.  I know now, but still have to remind myself daily, that true compassion has no expiration date.  Please help if you can. 

[angstsplatter]

For the Mikey Ask!

1 (and why?)

2 (pictures?)

4

From @deadlyflan

(Because i can't send asks from my side turtle blog. 😭 )

From the Mikey Ask Game!

Hiiiii!

I getchu. I don't understand why tumblr hasn't figured out how to allow us to submit asks from different blogs now that we can reply as different blogs??? Also, same. I had to submit to your blog as my main, trisockatops, lol!

1. which mikey is your favorite version?

omg choices are hard. I'm actually going to go with 90s movies Mikey! 90s movie Mikey was a really good blend of doofus and serious ninja that led to him getting some really amazing and moments.

Mikey and Donnie's interactions while watching Leo and Raph fight crack me up every time. They're such the cool, nonchalant siblings tired of this shit but knowing this shit isn't gonna end anytime soon.

Who can forget Mikey with no hesitation running into a burning building to save a child he'd just met?

The whole Second opening sequence is absolutely golden, but Mikey A) knocking out Foot with a 0.2 ounce yo-yo, B) Mikey playing both parts in the fight behind the meat counter, and C) Mikey running off the Foot with sausage is HILARIOUS. (Don is also a huge star in this clip. Him being the weeble lives rent free in my head and is the entire reason I know what a weeble even is.)

Mikey drawing out Splinter's funny side because Splinter is worried about him and getting Splinter to wear a lampshade to cheer him up!? And Mikey's absolutely precious laugh afterwords? Omg, precious babies.

Mikey being the one to hold the donuts but then still make Leo be the one to call a stop to the fight and give him a chance to offer them to Tokka and Rahzar. xD Plus the classic "Which one's the ugly one?" That line also lives rent free in my head. I quote it all the time looool.

I just really enjoy the utter campiness of the 90s movies and how everyone really got a chance to shine and be both funny and awesome. This is a great version of Mikey.

2. do you have any mikey merch?

Ah, sadly, I've been moving a lot, so I pared down on a lot of my TMNT merch to make things easier on myself, so a lot of my Mikey-centric stuff is gone. :( I have some cool group things, still, though!

Just got this sweatshirt for Christmas. It is super comfy.

I'm not even sure how old this pillow is anymore, but it's been through most of college with me.

My beloved fridge magnets which were once cake toppers.

I also have a set of miniature figures of the guys that are rather 2k7 in build that I love, but they're currently still packed way from my move in December. (The walls here are brick, so I need a special tool to put shelves up so I can display them, lol.)

4. what headcanons do you have?

I love ADHD!Mikey. That's definitely a fave.

A lot of iterations of TMNT give the boys a lot of inner strife over having to be secret and removed from the world, but I actually think Mikey is most at peace with this out of all the boys. Raph's got obvious anger issues over the juxtaposition of all they do to help the city/world and how people would just fear or hate them if their presence was revealed. Donnie has so much he could contribute to the world scientifically, and ofc there's some aspect of this that can be conveyed just through screens, but he can't make a name for himself. He can't go to conferences. He can't teach. He can't really collaborate with others beyond anonymous chatting. He can't really publish. That's absolutely gotta wear on him. Leo may seem like the obvious most at peace, but I think he really internalizes this alienation and isolation and it causes a lot of inner turmoil and anxiety. But Mikey I feel is the most connected with the world and so feels the least disconnected. He's got a strong network of contacts in 2k3 with the Justice Force and Nobody. In 2k7, he outright had an in-person job as a party performer. Really, he's so friendly and extroverted that he can't help but make friends, and he's the most likely to put himself out there and risk being revealed if it would help someone. I think he also has tends to have a lot more emotional coping skills/maturity than his brothers tend to have, so if he is bothered by this isolation, he better knows how to deal. Whereas Raph tends to explode and take his emotions out on other and Leo/Donnie tend to internalize until they reach denial or acceptance (more Donnie) or explode (very Leo). Acting in a juvenile manner doesn't actually mean Mikey is immature. (2k3 Mikey's speech on feeling bad for Leo while he was struggling with PTSD because he took on so much responsibility so the rest of them didn't have to is case and point.)

Mikey's pranks and distraction tactics are less a mechanism of fear of responsibility but more of fear of failure. Leo's great at strategy, Raph is pure brute strength and a lack of fear, Donnie's amazing intelligent - there's a lot for Mikey to have to try and live up to, and it's scary that he might not have a place in that and that maybe he's not as good or talented as his brother. So he carved out this niche for himself as being dramatic and ridiculous, so maybe he'll never be good enough, but he'll sure as shell never be forgotten.

[nwarrior777]

i was a bad person and here is my big message about it

even tumblr couldn't hold this much of a post so i made it under the cut. well. i was trying to write it for YEARS sooo i guess it's a little hard to squish in something small

i am frightened of seeing your reaction on this post but. it needs to be made. i wanted to make it for years. if not now then when?

long story about one fundamental thing i deeply regret and want to leave in the past and move on, and today is the perfect time to talk about it.

so. as i told, yesterday was my 26 birthday. and it was a special one. cause i gave it concept

26 years. 25+1. for me it means that half of my life is behind me. (maybe 1/3 if i will be lucky). i decided my 26 birthday will be beginning of my new era. i will leave my past behind and will go into my. present.

the problem is that my past is soooo fucked up

i did a lot of cringe bad things, WHICH I DEEPLY REGRET ABOUT but i want to tell you about one, which is haunting me the most. i thought about writing post about it sooo much times, i tried, but i couldn't do it everytime because then i thought about it i felt soooo ashamed and just burning in selfhate so what's the thing and why exactly this thing I want to tell you about above all of the things which i regret? well because now i am totally opposite person to that mindset which i am ashamed of so! pls keep in mind that i REGRET having that mindset. i think i realized that it's something not good in my 19 years old (my 19 years old is my turning point in life in general), now i am one day 26, but it's still was hunting me!!! 6 fucking years of constant shame and hating myself!!! at this moment i got rid of this thing in my mind and actions completely, and i want to put the final nail in the coffin by this post. so!!! i.. H A D (NOW I DON’T!!!)... fat fetish :c ( * internal screaming full of fear, selfhate and realising that i can hurt someone's feeling by that * ) i almost always had complicated relationships with fatness. first anorexia, but, at the same time then i hated my body i realized that i find fat people beautiful, hot even? (mostly masculine dudes? i don't remember that i thought about others?). and then i got into my horny ~18 yeaaars and ehhhh i was exploring my horny feelings  and preferences. i was deep diving in that fat fetish content, i even made sooome drawings (I think I posted, ~2 on internet AND I HATE THE FACT THAT THEY EXIST SO MUCH). and. next thing will sound naive. but. people who do bad things are always dumb and don't realize basic shit. so. i haven't seen anything bad in fat fetish. and at this time i already had my own moral compass, which i still have AND it helped me get out of this my moral compass: if it hurts someone - it's bad. if not – then it’s fine. and my depiction of fat fetish was reversed in my head. i thought that people participating in it.. feeling sexy and validated? that it's something powerful (I DON'T THINK THIS WAY NOW!) but then i saw one post

it was a person, saying, that they saw a content with fetishization of their appearance and they felt uncomfortable and humiliated by it

and i was like "wait what??? fetishes make people sad??? IT SOMETHING WHAT HURTS SOMEONE??? It's!!! It's... a bad thing!!!"

and i think since then i started to go away from it?

and it's not a second, day or month. you know that getting rid of cigarettes is hard and takes time, right? imagine how hard and how much time will take getting away from moral mindset mistake

if you do something bad it usually means that it is deep in your life

it's hard to go away from people with same mindset, your actions in the past which you thought was fine are now your shame etc etc

but!!! i've been working on myself. i don't want to hurt people, and yeah, hurting someone's feelings counts too.

sooo time was going by and it was less and less fetish content in my corner of internet. i realized that fetish is NOT something powerful and cool or sexy. representation is!!! you can draw gorgeous powerful sexy person without fetishization. actually people on fetish art... well, sometimes they don't even look like people. more like fucked up sex toys. it's so wrong, so bad and i am so ashamed that at some point of my life i thought it's something not awful

then i got into art community, more queer and bodypositive, i learned how to love my body, accepted it at 100% beat the fuck up anorexia. my feed in all the social media are now queer/bodypositive/artists usually all at once. if i see fetish blog reblogging me (i can't check every one but sometimes it happens) i ban it and

and now i don't watch any fetish content, don't have fantasies or dreams about that. now even if i see some content by accident (then you are in internet, you sometimes see shit which you don't want to see, like idk, some fetish blog relogging my art) it makes me feel uncomfortable and i don't turn on at all.

it was the last thing of this to defeat - physical desire. It’s like addiction, sometimes i wanted to watch Fetish Horny Content sooooo bad that it literally was on physicall level, and i just, well, watched and blamed myself for that after

and here is a little strange part, because one day it just... disappeared? with all my libido. aand honestly, it's fine, maybe i can't get turn on at all, but better not feeling libido at all then having it and having this shit in the head. aaaand also i have kiinda same emotions from... art. like cool art. in general. like, show me a good dramatical movie, some cool music, some touching piece of art, cool fucking made edit - i am shivering and crying tears of joy. i have this sooo, yep, it's enough for me, and i can survive loosing libido, if it's price for taking fetish from my head - shut up and take my... libido (okay that part turn out kinda goofy but like, let’s take it as lightning the mood because all the post is some fucked up dark shit)

so yeah. long story short, i was a cringe bad person and i regret that. i've done many cringe things but i decided to tell you exactly about this one because it is fundamental thing in my life and, as you can see, my art

as you could notice, all my characters are fat. and i am trying my best to draw them respectfully. goal of my life is trying to be good person (trying because you can never be sure that you are 100% right. you need to listen people and be ready to change. it's never ending road. what's why i use word "trying". you can't "be" good. only try) goal of my art is to bring people happiness by art, and representation is my method.

i feel very ashamed of that fact that i was participated in phenomen like fat fetish and now i make opposite thing - draw art, based on representation of fat people (and also queer and having other features but this post is not about that)

aaand yeah, sounds not very nice

but... i just hope that you can see that i am drawing fat people with respect. yes, a lot of time my characters presented as sexy. but i am trying to draw fat characters sexiness in respectful way. i've seen fetish art - and i am trying to draw NOT like that.

i learned my lesson. i don't want EVER draw fetish art again. i want!!! draw good things which brings people joy. i deeply sorry for that fetish thing was in my mind. but it's gone. I fought it in me for years, i won, fuck this thing. i want this thing stay in the past!!!!!

and brain, stop fucking hunting me with "whEn thEy wIll KnoW thEy Will Be All DissApoinTed in YoU!! ALL YOUR ART INFLUENCE WILL ZERO OUT THEN PEOPLE WILL FIND OUT!!!" these thoughts were been killing me for YEARS

so

i am deeply ashamed of having fat fetish phaze. but it's over. i learned that it's bad, i don't want to have it in my life ever again. and i don't want my drawings of fat people be part of it. i do it for different reason - to make representative art, which bring people joy, not hurting them.

i was carry this self-fight for years. and this day, my 26 birthday, seems like perfect day to finally leave this shit in the past and move on. i mean, i realised that it's a bad thing ~5-6 years ago. but my brain didn't let go thoughts about that. i am done with this. i want to break free from this shame. i hope i can have a second chance on that...

i really hope that you guys will be able to get joy from my art after that. i got rid of this shit in my mind, i promise. just. please don't turn back from me because because of this mistake. if you can.

(pls, if you have words of support, leave a comment. idea of this post was hunting me for years, and now it finally written. it's finally out of my chest. i want to get free from this. thank you)

[destheoren]

Old Drabbles on Love and Obsession (2020-2024)

old writings i found on my google docs account, dating back to 2020. i never really planned on sharing these, mainly because it's purely self indulgent and for my eyes only. but seeing how tumblr gave me a safe space in regards on the "yandere" troupe that most find toxic and problematic, i thought if i do want to share it somewhere, then it should be here alone.

c/w: mentions and implications of murder, obsessive and possessive behavior. toxic and abusive personality. shitty writings from a bored teen. (dont be like the placeholder male/gn character, consent is sexy)

2024; titled: I cooked with this one NGL

In a world filled with aches and hearts, all I know is the latter. The source being so beautiful that I feel as if all the knowledge I have of the world can not be put in words of logic. Your existence precedes the beginning of languages and art. My autonomy is at loss when it battles against you in terms of freedom. 

Why must I need to think, when all I need is to put you above me? 

Why must I need to move, when all I need is to kneel before you? 

Why must I need to breathe, when all I need is a whisper of your air?

Why must I need to beat my own heart, when it is already owned by you?

So, my owner of everything. Please, use me as you like. Without your power, I am a doll. Without your love, I am a fool. And without you, I am nothing but a husk of what I once was. 

—

To love is to be numb. The moment you enter its cavern, you must already be aware of the journey you'll need to face. It may hurt at the beginning, you may even feel occasional comfort and bliss. As time comes, you'd learn to not differentiate the two. What's the feeling of hurt and how is it any different from love? Both emotions make your heart ache. Is it because you've missed the pain or rather the adrenaline? Is love about domestic life or the thrill? It's like having to know what's left and right as a newborn. Love makes me numb, and I don't think I can continue fooling myself. That there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

2024; titled: Eyes

Eyes stare at you like a hawk. Head filled with the idea of dominating and owning you selfishly. Every word your mouth lets out, every swish of your hands as you speak, and every sway of your hips just leave him a huge mess. He bites his lip to avoid himself speaking out of turn. So desperate to shout at anyone daring to look at you. 

“They're mine,” he would say. “I'll stab your eyes with this pen,” he would act on as the grip of his fingers tightened around the stationary.

Yet, all those fantasies were well… only fantasies. All he could do was stare. And hope whatever image he conquered will reveal itself to his reality.

2020; titled: Please love me

You are precious to me? You clearly know that don't you? You look at me with those carefree eyes and speak to me with those sweet lips. Now you're here, in my bedroom; a dream come true. Now every moment you spend is with me, not another. They don't deserve breathing the same air as you do. They mustn't replace your mind with those white lies. A being like you shouldn't even begin to come near them! Friends? What do you need friends for when you have me? 

You once told me it's okay to be selfish, right? Well, I'm now being selfish; and I don't like the idea of sharing you with those incompetent brats. 

So be a dear and learn to love me? As if you didn't already.

2020; titled: Serial Killer

The death of a well-known student had left every person from the town in internal panic. The Principal gave all the people from this school, teachers and students alike, a week's break until the authorities are able to catch the murderer behind the crime. However, he wasn't aware the murderer alone was a love-struck teenager and he is skilled enough to hide away his tracks. 

He stepped out of his shower after he cleaned off all the blood that was stuck from his flesh. He had to burn his clothing knowing it would be hell to take the stains off. "What a pain, I can't believe they found the body. Oh well, that's why I hanged her in front of the school." A heinous laugh echoed around the thick room after he dried his hair with a towel.

He wore dark clothing and completed the style with a black jacket and gloves so he could camouflage from the night. Taking one last look from several pictures that were hidden below from his mattress, he went off to his destination to his beloved's house.

The walk wasn't too long and the eerie vibe from across the neighborhood didn't give a chill from the male. If anything he should be the one vibrating it. He stopped his night walk and looked up from a two story house painted in dull blue. He didn't even bother to stay hesitant to climb off the walls that protected the residence of his darling for he had done this for quite a long time, maybe a month or two. He rolled over to the grass for a safe landing and went up to a certain wall that had a ladder, a ladder that belonged to them so they didn't even suspect anything odd from it. 

Once he reached the end of the ladder, he swooped in to the window which is never locked, a bad move I say. His victim, his prey, his beloved was past asleep as predicted and he took it as an invitation inside. 

2020; titled: Be my darling?

Be my darling? A single question that I hope wouldn’t be turned down by you. However, due to my delusions and dreams of false reality I knew for fact you would lovingly accept without hesitation. You love me, I know you do. If not, then are all those accidental glances, compliments and greetings we shared just mean nothing to you? Stop lying my dearest, we both know your heart is already screaming my name.

You keep begging to be returned to your home when you already are home. It’s paradise here. Why do those glistening eyes keep showing those pitiful tears? Please stop all these childish tantrums. You’re making it harder it seems.

2020; titled: Murderers

"Don't you enjoy it dear?", a voice you dreaded to hear questioned you like what you did was an ordinary child game. However, you weren't playing a child's game and it wasn't near the word fun. It was horrible. It gave you nightmares all night and the guilt you carried on your back had hardened itself into a giant boulder made of obsidian. 

You wanted to insult him, to give a taste of his own medicine and stabbed him here and there when he was most vulnerable. Yet, you knew better than to do it, for he has an instinct which allows him to know the skills of his enemies. The fact he is alive and free and dastardly in front of you is proof of his invincibility. Never to be arrested. Yet, you dream. "No…", all you could do was mutter out a single syllable and you hated yourself for it.

[maths-screaming]

Let's Talk About Our Feelings

There are lots of resources out there for understanding what dyscalculia is - books, YouTube videos, Powerpoint slideshows, podcasts. There are lots of math toys and tools and worksheets to offer varying ways to approaching numeracy, too.

What's talked about less is how very emotional the process of confronting a lifelong learning disability is.

A Gallery of Big Feelings I Have Had to Feel Since Deciding, Approximately Two Weeks Ago, That I Wanted to Do Something About My Innumeracy Problem:

Shame

I thought I was kicking shame to the curb by deciding to do something different. Nah. It's still really hard to admit I suck at math.

Basic addition and subtraction (the subject of my recent explorations) feel like something I should have learned to do in elementary school. You know, when the other 29 kids in my class learned it. When all my friends learned it. When the cashier who bantered with me about green onions this morning learned it.

I started this Tumblr because it sucked so much to admit how ashamed I am that I can't math, I figured I'd just tell the entire planet at once and get it over with. Now you know.

[leave your derisive gifs in this slot.]

2. Anger

This Tumblr is called "Maths Screaming" because screaming was pretty much the first and only thing I did for about three days once I started reading about dyscalculia interventions. I screamed in my heart. I screamed in my head. I screamed outside my head, too. I stomped around the high school track and screamed some more. I came home and screamed at a math textbook PDF. I paused YouTube videos to scream. There was a lot of screaming.

I screamed because I was angry.

Confronting anything painful about our pasts often means remembering things we worked hard to forget. Things that hurt to remember. Sometimes, it means reliving some of the worst moments of our lives - especially if what was happened was actually traumatic.

Realizing that not being allowed to use a multiplication table in third grade (no, really!) wasn't traumatic, but it did upset me. Math could have been so much easier than it was at every stage of my education - but I and all my classmates were deprived of those tools and opportunities.

Realizing that leads to

3. Grief

I was widowed in my 30s, so I'd like to believe I'm good at grief. I spent the first three years thinking grief was some kind of game I could win or trophy I could acquire.

"That there is my ability to handle loss. I won it when I was 39."

...Yeah, it doesn't work that way. All loss occasions grief. Each loss is unique, and therefore so is the grief it occasions. And yes, I grieved when I realized just how much I had missed by both struggling with numbers and never receiving support with that struggle.

I don't just mean losses like "I didn't go to medical school" or "I don't understand how the stock market works" (though maybe I am missing out there too). I mean losses like "I could have spent my entire childhood not ashamed and self-loathing for not understanding numbers." And "I could have told my high school boyfriend to jump off a cliff when he laughed at me for still using my fingers, instead of internalizing that and hating myself for it."

Closely related to grief is

4. Love

I gotta tell ya, fam: Deciding that you're going to try to change something that has defined your life for the worse is a radical act of love.

I am doing so much reparenting and re-teaching in this process. I have to be the adult in the room who provides the support and the kid who didn't get support the first time. It takes a lot of love and a lot of patience.

I am extraordinarily grateful that I have (a) the capacity, (b) the skills, and (c) the opportunity to show myself that love. (FYI, THERAPY WORKS.) And at the same time, I grieve here too. Because having to love myself through this process shows me just how much love and care was lacking in my childhood. I can now see just where no one showed up enough to see that I was struggling or to do anything about it.

That's tough to face, and it takes even more love and care to get through it. I understand how easy it would be to just...not bother.

As hard as it is, though, I recommend it. I really do.

Feel the feels. Then do the maths.

[eatanorange]

@ethan-elliott u r always pulling through with the tag games and I love that. its a silly little get to know me but I also overshare re:family grievances/trauma so I'll put it under here (no specifics, factual, lighthearted)

Origin of my username: it's pinned at the top of my page ;) This page was born from me struggling with being an autistic adult* & (re)learning skills I "should" already know and be able to do, like driving. When I forced myself to learn at the 'normal' age, I got into two accidents and pulled over before turning 18 (aka less than a full year) 😀 I still haven't tried the highway circa age 24, but from the ages of 18-23 I wasn't driving at all and I became homebound after I graduated college, then my mother decided to disclose to me the family history of agoraphobia after 23 years of 'damn why don't u just do things'. Eating an orange sounds so simple, doesn't it? Sometimes it is. It doesn't have to be that deep, though, maybe I want to encourage tumblr's vitamin C intake.

OTPs: u could convince me to like any ship if there's a specific claim to it (/gen). I do have a star tattoo for Jegulus though 😭😮‍💨

Favourite Colour: warm purples

Song Stuck In My Head: whatthehellishappening? by glass animals

Weirdest Trait: if you tell me your birthday and I like you even a little bit I will remember it. forever. I will *not* remember day of though bc I rarely know what day it physically is.

Hobbies: writing, gaming, drawing tarot cards based off shows, bit of MMA type exercises, fan editing, ......blogging.

Profession: I work in a pathology lab right now, I have also worked in biocontrol and environmental law research for my jobs in undergrad, I'm studying to be an information professional (magnus archives got to me)

Dream Job: ironic, given the agoraphobia spell, but I want a job where it's in the description/nature of the profession to curate community or add to a small community so, librarian. I have fantasized ab the barista life (fully convinced my disassociation is stronger than most mean customers).

Something I’m Good At: hallucinating spiders when I take melatonin

Something I Hate: people who conflate respect with authority, car infrastructure

Something I Collect: my contact lenses in a little bottle next to my bed

Something I Forget: the post about rosekiller I was going to make relating them to whatthehellishappening? by glass animals (stay tuned)

Love Language: idk how to answer this 🤗 it has varied amongst everyone, so I suppose whatever leads to knowing specifics about one another. Likely extends from quality time(?)

Favorite Movie/Show: jujutsu kaisen is Up There, I'm quite easy to please tho.

Favorite Food: garlic bread and chocolate cake/brownies 🫵🏼

Favorite Animal: love a panther, foxes, crows & hawks, will u accept giant silk moths as an animal?

What Was I Like As A Child: I was really mean with a lot of internalized biases and neglected mental illnesses/developmental differences. whenever someone talks about doing that exercise where you speak with your inner child mine is screaming and tearing me to shreds and calling me slurs, turning into an eldritch horror then breaking down sobbing. everyone say ✨thank you mother✨. I don't remember my childhood until I do <3. Azula from atla was my favorite character growing up if that helps with context. Like I wanted her to win.

Favorite School Subject: I am a nerd and a generalist how dare you ask me this question (/j)

Least Favorite Subject: it was history, but I think bc my district was bad at teaching it.

Best Character Trait: curious, patient

Worst Character Trait: spiteful, dismissive

Who Would I Meet if I Travelled Back in Time: my grandmother's parents before they fled The World War

anyone who wants to do this pls do and please tag me :)