#involved... have you ever been w someone getting hot and bothered and a kid walks in that you thought was sleeping and you just switch

[abyssalpriest]

God I could and should write a whole fucking book by the end of this life here on Lev and his symbols

ill write it then burn it before anyone else gets a copy. or i wont. im supposed to be helping him this incarnation here to get a better anchor in this plane so maybe it would help more than itd be weird - im just getting from him the energy of "yeah no people already effectively have these things, people on my plane already know me inside and out to an extensive degree, may as well have it here too" you know. fair

[buckyodinson]

Protector (Mandalorian x Reader)

Request from @the-mechanical-angel : Mando tends to overprotect the reader, which causes tension until one day he grows tired and sends her away, she does but there's an ambush and she's severely wounded. He manages to rescue her and rushes to a doctor and while she's unconscious he stays by her side and realizes he's in love with her?

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: some violence, nothing overly graphic though!

“It’s ridiculous Din! I can handle myself out there. I don’t need you to watch my back constantly!” You hiss at Din as you both walk back to the Crest, dragging the unconscious bounty between you.

“I know you’re capable, but if I’m there and able to, I’m gonna help when someone’s coming at you. You’d do the same for me, I don’t see what the problem is?” He sighed as he spoke, and despite the modulator, you can hear the annoyed tone he’s sporting.

“I get that, Din. I do. But you pushed me out of the way to take on all four of them yourself! Where’s the logic there? I wouldn’t do that to you, because I respect your ability to do your job!”

“I respect you too, it’s just-“

“Just what?!” You come to an abrupt stop and he turns around to face you, and you raise your eyebrows, expecting him to answer you but he remains silent.

You sigh, “It doesn’t feel like you respect me. I feel like a child when you pull shit like that! If that’s how you’re gonna treat me on hunts, why not just leave me on the ship with the baby?”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Of course not!” You throw your arms in the air and give an empty laugh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Anytime I think I’m close to understanding something about you, you close yourself off! We’re supposed to be a team, Din, but I’m feeling a lot more like a liability recently.”

He sighs again, “You’re not a liability. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” You hear a little break in his voice, and you know he means well but you have to hold your ground.

“I can handle myself. I knew what I was getting into when I joined the Guild. Same as you... I’m tired of this Din.” After silence falls between you, you sigh again and turn around, starting to walk back to the town you’d just come from.

“Where are you going?” He shouted after you.

“I need a drink. I’ll be back in a while.”

He watched you go, angry at himself for not admitting the real reason he felt so protective over you. He dragged the bounty the rest of the way to the Crest and put him in carbonite before checking on the Child and walking back to the town to find you and apologise.

In the meantime, you’d hunkered down in a booth in some run-down cantina, and you were on your second drink when a man sat down opposite you and tried to strike up a conversation.

You made friendly conversation with him, but kept your hand under the table over your blaster, ready for any trouble. It didn’t come, however. After a few minutes, he simply wished you a good evening and left the booth. What you didn’t notice was the discreet nod he gave to someone else at the bar, who then followed him out of the cantina.

You finished your drink, and sighed deeply, worried about what Din would say once you got back to the Crest. You felt bad for over-reacting, but you really were at your wits end with his over-protectiveness. You briefly wondered if he harboured deeper feelings for you, and just wasn’t admitting them, but then you dismissed it simply as the rambling thoughts of your slightly tipsy brain.

You tossed a few credits to the droid behind the bar as you walked out of the cantina and into the cool evening air of the now quiet town. You were too busy looking at how beautiful the sunset was to notice you were being followed by the man at the bar and several of his accomplices, all with weapons drawn.

You only realised you were in trouble when you felt something being shoved into your back and you received an electric shock so strong you dropped to the floor, convulsing.

“...w-what the hell?” You stuttered as the shock slowly trickled to a stop and you sat up, looking at the men lined up before you.

“Make this easy for yourself and tell us where it is.” One spat at you, and you realised it was the man from the bar, and you sighed. Din wouldn’t let you hear the end of this. If you made it out of this alive, that is. You wished right about now that Din was here is all his protective glory, but it hit you that you were very much alone in this.

“If you’d waited a bit longer, I would’ve led you right to my ship, asshole.” You countered, not even bothering to pretend you didn’t know what they were talking about.

“Is that how you wanna play this?” He smirked back at you, and you stood up and put your hands on your hips, eyebrows raised, trying desperately to seem calm.

He nodded to one of his men, who proceeded to shoot you in the leg before you even had the chance to pull your own blaster. You fall to the ground once more, clutching the blaster burn on your thigh, hot tears staining your cheeks.

“Where’s your Mandalorian friend now?”

“I don’t need him, asshole.” You shuffle to your knees, subtly grabbing a flash charge from your belt as you do so.

“Are you sure about that? Seems like you could really use the help right about now.” He smirks again and you wish you could slap it right off his face.

“Oh yeah?” You set the flash charge off, blinding the men temporarily as you make a run for it, grabbing your blaster and landing shots on at least three of them as you go.

They’re much quicker than you because of your leg, and soon enough, you’re being tackled to the ground with a knee shoved into your back.

“Tell us where the kid is, and we’ll let you live.”

“I’m not telling you anything. I’ll die before I let anyone get anywhere near it.”

“So be it. He’ll come for you soon enough.” The knee is removed from your back but before you can stand, a blaster shot hits you square in the back and everything goes black.

Din was almost at the town when he heard the blaster fire, and he picked up his pace, knowing you had to be involved. When he rounded the corner, he was just in time to see you being shot in the back, and in his anger, all he saw was red. He grabbed his rifle and within seconds, he’d already disintegrated three of the men. The sight of those three just disappearing had a few of the others running, and it left the leader and two other men who tried to hold their ground. Din shot at the ones who ran away as he approached the three left.  Seeing you laying still on the ground brought out something almost feral in him, and he didn’t stop until all the men were dead.

He pulled his vibroblade out and made quick work of killing the last three, barely breaking a sweat as he did so. When he was satisfied, he ran to you and found you unresponsive with a worryingly low heart rate. The amount of blood pouring out from the wound had Din in tears behind his helmet, and he picked you up carefully and ran to the town doctor, practically breaking the door down in his haste to get help. He threw a handful of credits at the doctor and begged for her help.

The doctor did her best to fix the damage the shot to your back had caused. She was initially worried you wouldn’t be able to walk again, and the thought terrified Din, but by some miracle, the shot hadn’t actually hit your spine. There was some nerve damage, and obviously tissue damage, but you would survive.

It took you a long time to wake up, however. Din paced the small room all night, waiting for you to open your eyes, but you didn’t. The only time he left the room was to go back to the Crest and grab the Child, but he came right back and paced some more, at least with the Child providing a little comfort.

He did this for 3 days. The doctor was kind enough to bring food for him and the Child, and Din paid her generously for her troubles. He barely touched the food himself, too sick to eat (the Child was happy to eat what he left though), desperately praying for you to wake up.

He was beginning to grow exhausted, but he couldn’t sleep until he knew you were okay, no matter how long it took. You had to be okay. You had to be. He pulled up a chair next to the bed you were laying on, and sat in it, reaching for one of your hands and holding it tightly between his own.

“Please, cyar’ika. You’ve gotta wake up. I can’t do this alone. I’ve spent all these years thinking I didn’t need anybody else. And that was true. Until you came along. And you were a nightmare to begin with. You were so stubborn.” He lets out a breathy chuckle and his voice shakes as he continues, “...b-but, I knew right away that my life had changed. For the better. You made it seem like I had something to live for. Why you put up with me, I’ll never know. But I’m so grateful for you. And I’m so sorry it took me until now to admit that I love you...” He shocks himself with his admission and he pauses, “I love you. And I need you to wake up so I can tell you.”

Din eventually passes out from sheer exhaustion, your hand still held firmly between his own. And after he’s been asleep for a few hours, you stir, sighing at the dull pain across your back as you shuffle on the bed slightly, noticing the resistance from your hand. Your eyebrows shoot up when you look over and see Din clasping your hand, and your heart starts to thump at the sight. The beeps on the monitor rouse Din from his sleep and he jolts awake, eyes landing on you blinking wearily.

Before your have a chance to say anything, he’s wrapping his arms around you, being careful of your injury, but holding you tight, “Don’t ever do that to me again. I thought I was gonna lose you.” You heard his shaky voice through the helmet and your face screwed up in confusion as he pulled away and put his hands on your cheeks.

“What happened?” You croaked, and Din grabbed you a glass of water, bringing it over to you.

You sipped from it as he sat back in the chair and spoke, “You got in a big fight in the town after we argued.” You nodded solemnly, remembering the stupid argument you’d had, and how you’d only proved him right by getting yourself into this mess.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” He placed his hands on your cheeks yet again and you looked down at him as he leaned up and rested his helmeted forehead against yours. You shut your eyes and smiled at the feeling and you heard Din whisper through the modulator the three words you’d always wished he’d say to you, “I love you.”

You also heard the sharp intake of breath he took after he spoke, and you smiled at his nervousness before returning the sentiment and seeing him relax and practically melt into his chair, dragging his hands over the front of his helmet.

“But if you pull this kind of stunt again, I’m gonna have a hard time forgiving you.” He points a stern finger at you and you laugh in response, reaching for his hand and holding it tightly.

[astarlightmonbebe]

compilation of thoughts and theories on chain of gold

for reference here is my theories before reading

pls do not expect coherency i have never been coherent about books in my life

also spoilers! and it’s really long! you have been warned

- okay to start we are going to be talking about my MAN matthew fairchild because he’s making me hurt too much. you guys know how much i love him, but especially after reading chog i mostly feel super sad? because it’s so obvious that at this point he is so far gone, like he’s been walking the path of self destructiveness for so long and in the fact of his own internalized self hatred and guilt he ends up hurting other people along with himself--or he will, for all the much he loves his friends. i really feel that he needs to get a handle on himself, but he’s so afraid that if anyone ever knew his secrets that everyone would turn him away, but in the fact that he’s keeping them--he’s digging his own grave and i’m sobbing. someone needs to help him; while i feel it is important that matthew saves himself, i don’t think it’s something he can or should necessarily do alone.

- this is kind of about the grace situation? like wow i hate that girl. i swear she tears apart a flower every morning to decide how hot or cold she’s gonna be for the day. i felt like the slightest inkling of pity for her like maybe once in the book but in the end she’s sooo two faced and i can’t bring myself to like her knowing she’s the reason they are all going to practically fall apart (especially james/matthew/cordelia). 

- i told you guys she was involved with some witchery huhhh...as expected, the bracelet is found guilty...i guess because of james’ demon blood, her regular magic doesn’t work, which makes me wonder if it is connected to demon blood (maybe warlocks??). anyways i hate her and making boys do things without consent. i do find it a little fishy that matthew hasn’t caught on, especially after the kiss? like despite all the secrets he keeps, i highly doubt he would do anything that would hurt james (with active realization; we’re not talking about mental states right now). and the fact that james knows something is bothering matthew and how matthew feels james’ pain so acutely? you can’t tell me their bond is breaking or fragile, because to me it seems strong even if the two of them are liable to break and take it with them as they do.

- can i just say. i was so disappointed. to find out. that CASSIE IS DOING ANOTHER love triangle like pls kill me now. i’m actually devastated and super unhappy about it because we a) already did this last series and b) just??? i don’t want another reason for those three’s relationship to become more strained? tbh, i kind of like cordelia/matthew if it wasn’t for the fact that matthew has his own issues, cordelia is hopelessly head over heels for james, and james has feelings for cordelia if you take the bracelet and grace a w a y. i do love how cordelia seems to see matthew in a way that nobody else does and she’s willing to confront him in a way that no one else does (looking at you, lucie). i mean, props to matthew for not going to intervene during their arrangement, but like...that’s another secret, too. anyways. i’m big sad over this.

- cordelia!! i have to admit, i have fallen for her more than i expected to. her pov was wonderful and i loveeee her character. she takes everything in stride and is really mature and in control of herself, which i like. plus there are a lot of sides to her, and i enjoyed getting introduced to them all. we really saw character growth throughout the book with her too--she definitely matured in her feelings, despite all the heartbreak she’s been put through, and i love how she changed her mindset when finding out the truth about her family instead of being, say, stubborn that her father was innocent. 

- on the other hand...i like lucie and james but i also...don’t??? idk, i genuinely did enjoy reading their perspectives but i don’t feel that in love or connected to the two of them as i thought i would be. especially lucie. don’t get me wrong---i absolutely adore lucie and her writer self, but i definitely went into chog thinking i was going to be a lot more invested in her. i think cc did a good job with her character, despite some of lucie’s actions and views not really aligning with me. i don’t know, to me she just seems a little too naive. maybe it’s because cordelia is such a contrast to her. and shoutout to james, who is having a horrible time. i feel bad for him, but his character is alright. i just want him and cordelia to be happy honestly.

- lucie and jesse was nice, honestly. i really went into chog thinking that jesse disappeared and tatiana just said he died, but i guess actually dying is cool, too. i have to say, i was partially right about lucie’s power (even if it wasn’t the cool out there one i wanted it to be). jesse’s humor is actually right up my lane. i thought he was going to be dry, but i enjoyed his character a lot, honestly. i don’t see them as romantic though? to me he’s like another endearing older brother figure to her at this point. 

- jesse so willingly giving up his last breath like !!! you can tell how painful it is to be trapped here, like that must suck.

- grace and lucie about to team up next book i see?? kind of looking forward to it, ngl. they have a common interest (jesse) who they would do anything for. i’m intruiged.

- also called it, villain was a prince of hell! wasn’t belial in a gotsm story? or am i tripping out because i think i’m tripping.

- when i said it was likely for barbara or oliver to die I DID NOT MEAN BOTH OF THEM!!! i was actually getting attached to barbara and her good eyesight. i want to know the tea with eugenia too. 

- anna lightwood is forever an icon in my eyes. she’s a power unto herself and i can’t wait to see her in the next couple of books. i had a feeling ariadne was going to chase her...not that psyched about it but curious all the same. i love how anna’s first reaction was ‘oh so you heard that charles dumped you from me not him’

- anna and cordelia are awesome. i love how anna takes one look at cordelia and immediately decides she needs new clothes (thankfully, i swear, pastel is never a good choice for someone with cordelia’s complexion, like?? shouldn’t her mom know that.)

- charles. no words. why is he that kid in school, the one that has every answer and an obsession with wwii or whatever like TT. just run for president. (oh my gosh that’s it he reminds me of a politician in modern times)

- which moves me onto alastair. who honestly i love so much, 10/10. i honestly can’t remember why i liked him so much going into this book? but that’s not important because if i had any doubt in my heart, it is now gone and crushed. like the reason i like alastair and not grace is because alastair is such a prime example of character growth. not that his intrinsic personality has changed, but he’s realized he’s done bad things that he can’t exactly make up and that are not excusable, whereas grace keeps doing bad things continuously (and let’s be honest i think what she’s doing is worse. at least alastair is honest lol (jkjk)). plus he dyed his hair and that’s suddenly all i needed in my life.

- i love the carstairs siblings so much!!! they are my fave duo and i love how realistic their interactions are. idk how to explain it, but they really warm my heart. especially how alastair has been protecting cordelia all her life and she really had no idea. his speech when he told her about their father’s drinking habits made me want to cry. i love how he’s so endearing towards her too; he’ll be all annoyed and then one second later is panicking over the fact that he can’t find her and that she could be in danger. plus cordelia cares for him a lot, like how she wanted to leave during his and charles’ breakup, but stayed because she could feel he needed her, even when he let her go. i can’t wait for their relationship to continue to grow, especially with their secrets out in the air. sibling solidarity. 

- and that brings me to *dundundun* thomas! i found myself really interested in him and liking his character a lot, not just because he’s a giant, either. (i will never stop laughing over the fact that thomas is a literal tree). i find him such a strong character, despite all the grief he must have been close to drowning in. he stayed away from his family all that time, too, but also he was with people who were basically his family and i stan that. 

- a break to talk about christopher. i never thought he would get hurt, but thank goodness he had a cure all worked out. i love how he’s actually so coherent at times, despite being stuck in his own head. i kind of forgot he wasn’t spacey 24/7, so this was a nice reminder. he’s going to go places, mark it.

- on that note, i called the thomastair spain moment, though it was not in the way i expected it to be. i love how thomas so obviously caught feelings for alastair but like. had no idea what to do with them. he was just over there shivering and showing alastair his tattoo like boyyy. that kind of makes the engagement all that much sadder, because for one, i was glad that it finally got out (though tbh i kind of forgot alastair said all that other stuff and i was like ‘son, never say that again’) but it was so...heartbreaking??!

- like you can see that thomas was so stunned and hurt by the realization that alastair said that about his family behind his back at the academy, all while being somewhat nice to him in the face of it, especially considering that thomas was the one who always stood up for alastair in their friend group. and alastair--the fact that he was there to finally try to put it all behind them, to finally try to start something, only for it all to come crashing down. the fact that he was so resigned, knowing that thomas deserved the truth even if it meant he could lose everything.

- i just have so many feels about that particular scene. matthew’s bitter voice as he recounts everything alastair ever said. how thomas turned so hard and cold and was like ‘you’re not the person i thought you were’ and told alastair to never show up in front of him again. how alastair was so sad and he couldn’t even hide it, he didn’t even have words. how he cried when alastair is like, the person the you least expect to cry in a room.

- magnus though. he took one look at matthew and was like ‘oh gosh there’s another one of them self destructive men who drink themselves into oblivion’. like yes!!! pls save my son magnus!! he needs help.

- chog was filled with lapidary phrases though. there were a ton of good quotes.

- i said theories but i forgot them all, honestly. this is just a rant on characterization. *cries*

- if james is dishonest to cordelia in the next book he’s gonna have to catch these hands. he won’t even see me coming. i’m watching you, james herondale.

- also, great. tatiana and belial. great. (read: sarcasm)

thanks for reading !

[nalu4emily]

The Unexpected Reward - Chapter 7

Summary: Natsu and Lucy go on a job together, but what they bring home is something neither anticipated. Forced to make a life changing decision, they have to adapt quickly, but that's never easy, especially given the circumstances. As they work together on their toughest adventure yet, they find themselves drawn to one another, in ways they never realised. Nalu/cute/fluff/multi-chapter 

It was early afternoon by the time the little family had left for the guild. Natsu, being a bit quieter than usual, still couldn't shake what had been playing on his mind all morning. Usually, he would talk to Lucy about anything, but this was unknown territory. He didn't want to upset her, but this was going to end badly, he could just tell.

They hadn't discussed work since returning with Haru and he just didn't know what to do about it. His head was spinning from all the thinking and it was making his stomach churn. Stress was something he use to just pass off with his act now, think later tactic, but now he had others to consider. He'd gladly take on a hundred Acnologia's then have to think about all of this, he was better with actions.

Speaking of, fighting was an excellent stress reliever, what a great way to clear his head. He knew exactly what he was going to do once they reached the guild. He hoped Gray would be there so he could punch seven colours of shit out of him and then anyone else who was willing. Within minutes of arriving, Natsu had spotted Gray, ran over to him and swung the first punch and the rest was history.

Lucy shook her head at the fire breather's antics and chose to stay out of the way. She walked over to the bar and sat with some of the other girls who also hadn't joined the mayhem. Haru had woken up from all the noise and was being passed from person to person, all commenting on how well he was doing. Happy as Lucy was to hear all of the nice compliments about the baby and what a good job her and Natsu were doing, she wasn't really paying attention, too busy watching Natsu be beaten and scolded by Erza.

It sounded silly, but Lucy felt a little strange without the fire mages company. They had spent the last two weeks with each other and she'd gotten use to his constant presence, to the point where she missed him being near her. It was nonsensical, there he was as clear as day, and yet she felt so distant from him.

She could see that their friendship was slowly evolving, they had shared many moments recently with each other that wouldn't be considered friendly, the hand holding, the cuddling, the kissing, it had all become very real once they'd started living together.

There was only one thing missing though, because people just kept interrupting them. She wished she could have kissed him properly last night before Happy, yet again, ruined it all. His lips had felt so good on hers, she could only imagine what they would feel like on other parts of her body…

"See something you like?" Mira giggled as she happily watched the spirit mage ogle the dragon slayer. "Or do I really need to ask?"

"Huh? Oh, I was, er-" Snapping out of her lust filled thoughts, with the biggest blush on her face and little sweat droplets forming on her brow. "I don't know what you're talking about." She said dismissively, turning to face them directly.

"Sure. Is that what you tell yourself when you're cuddled up to him? Or cook him dinner? Or when you sit in his lap and kiss him?" Cana wiggled her eyebrows and laughed at poor Lucy's mortified face.

"What?! Who told you all of that?!" Lucy cried out. She couldn't hide the horror from her voice. Thinking about it for a moment, she didn't really need to ask who'd told them, it was kinda obvious and she was going to kill him.

"So it is true? I knew it! A certain little blue birdy told Mira and naturally everyone now knows." Levy sniggered. Lucy couldn't believe how quickly information passed through the guild, especially where the 'blue birdy' and she demon were involved. He'd only arrived at the guild not minutes before they had.

"Guys, I'm not sure what Happy told you but I think you're mistak-"

"So what was the kiss like?" Levy interrupted, ignoring Lucy's obvious uneasiness.

"W-We didn't ki-" Lucy stuttered, why was it so hard to speak all of a sudden? She'd started to sweat profusely, what if Natsu overheard? How could she face him then, or anyone for that matter?

"You guys are too cute!" Lisanna blurted in her enthusiasm, not listening to Lucy either. "I think Natsu should propose to you and you can both just get married already."

"You'd look gorgeous in a wedding dress, Lucy. I have plenty to choose from." Erza added as she walked over from the brawl she'd just put an end to.

"G-Guys, You're getting too carried away! I'm not getting married and what Happy saw yesterday isn't what you think, it was just a peck, that's all." Lucy interjected, noticing the disappointment on her friends faces. She couldn't hide the fragility in her voice, she wanted them to leave it be now.

Wendy gasped and went bright red herself at what she was hearing, "Oh my, that's still a kiss though isn't it?"

"Well, it's not the type of kiss the others are thinking about because I've never actually done that before." Lucy said quietly, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth.

"Hold up! You've never kissed anyone? Not ever?!" Cana yelled in her shock. All of the girls turned to her, dumbfounded by the blonde's confession. "But you've had boyfriend's though, right? Surely you must have done something with them?"

"I haven't had a boyfriend before either. I've only ever been on a few dates that's all, and they've always ended badly." With no thanks to Natsu she might add.

Lucy could feel her embarrassment bubbling at the surface about to spill over, starting to fiddle with the hem of her top as she looked away from all of their surprised faces. She knew they were just shocked by what she'd accidentally told them, but it was something she felt very sensitive over. She had spent so long yearning for Natsu that she'd not bothered to look elsewhere. Was it so wrong to only want one person?

"Even Juvia has kissed other guys and had boyfriends before, but that was before she met her darling Gray and now we kiss all the time, amongst other things." Juvia beamed, triumph evident on her face.

Well, that proves it then, even Juvia, who was infatuated with Gray, had been with others before. Lucy hadn't realised how far behind she was when it came to romance or sex. Was she really the only one? What about Natsu? She felt a pang of jealousy at the thought that even he had been with other girls before, and yet it almost seemed stupid because he wasn't one to overly show any interest in the opposite sex. It'd only been recently that he'd started talking about it, and even then it was still far and in between.

It almost seemed funny that she could imagine him being fiery in the bedroom, she thought of that quite often, yet she couldn't see him being all lovey dovey with someone, or doing the romance thing at all. He was a doer rather than a thinker and tended to act on impulse, so it was a possibility that the mood had struck him on occasion and he'd acted upon it. It made her feel a little sick just thinking about it, that was a side to him that was shut off to everyone and she didn't know whether it was on purpose or just through lack of interest.

Why was he so damn confusing? Had there little moment yesterday been an impulse of his as well, or had he actually wanted to? She just wanted to know how he felt about her and whether she was wasting her time.

Confronting him directly about it was an option, he wouldn't be able to hide then. But could she? Knowing there was a chance that he didn't share her feelings and that would break her heart. However, she also knew that if she didn't confront him, then she would forever be stuck in limbo, forever wondering whether the person she'd fallen for, would ever want her in the same way. And if he did, she couldn't stop the naughty images of them both from re-entering her head, the very thought was making her hot and bothered.

"Lucy!" Natsu yelled to get her attention, but she hadn't answered. Her face was flushed and she was lost in some sort of trance. He lowered his face to hers and studied her glazed over eyes. He smirked, she was obviously thinking of something heated. "Feeling a little hot there, Luce? You shouldn't be thinking of such things in public."

Her head snapped up to his, eyes widening at his words. If her face wasn't already flushed, it was almost on fire now. She tried to speak, say something but her mind had been frazzled. Why did he keep doing this to her? She was struggling enough as it was.

"Natsu! What are you saying?!" She shrieked, horror in her eyes as she looked around to see if anyone had heard, which of course, they had and were sniggering amongst themselves.

Unfortunately, that'd included little Haru too, who'd been frightened awake from her outburst. Natsu noticed him start to whimper and wriggle, so he reached out for the little guy to take him from his mother and held him to his chest. He sat down on a stool and rocked the baby, hushing him gently until he calmed down again.

"Lucy, I was kidding, what's got your panties in a twist?" Natsu asked, a little concerned at her reaction. Surely that couldn't have gotten her this worked up? She looked like she was about to melt with the amount of sweat on her forehead.

"N-Nothing, er, I-I need air…" She muttered, avoiding Natsu's gaze the entire time. There was too much going on in her head right now and it felt like she was suffocating.

Her body seemed to have a mind of it's own as it shimmied off the seat and made its way outside. The air felt thick and stuffy, like she was being choked by all of her conflicting thoughts and Natsu teasing her really wasn't helping with that, not that that was his fault. Still, as if on autopilot, her body took her away from the guild, she wasn't really sure where she was going, but the cool breeze was starting to calm her down at least.

Meanwhile, Natsu, still sat at the bar with little Haru cooing softly in his arms, couldn't stop staring at the great doors that Lucy had just walked out of. What was all that about? Had he upset her? Because he hadn't meant to, he always teased her but it never meant anything. Surely, what he had said couldn't have been the reason for her to walk off like that. He turned to the guys that were still sat at the bar.

"What the hell just happened? What's wrong with Lucy?" He said, directing it at anyone who wanted to answer.

"Oh Natsu, you really are dense sometimes. Isn't it obvious?" Lisanna said, smiling at him.

"Isn't what obvious? I don't get it!" He replied, why couldn't they just tell him?

"Way to go Flame brain, now look what you've done!" Gray taunted as he walked over to stand by Natsu, a smirk present on his face. "I don't know how Lucy puts up with you."

"What I've done?! You're lucky I'm holding my son or I'd be beating your stupid face in right about now." Natsu spat back. He couldn't be bothered with Gray's smart ass, he was too confused and focused on Lucy. Was he really the problem here? It must've been something else and maybe what he'd said had made it worse? Lucy got flustered often, but that was never a reason for her to leave for no reason, she usually got over it pretty quickly, unless... "This isn't just my fault, what were you guys talking about before?" He realised then, it seemed to be what they always talked about. His and Lucy's relationship was always a hot topic and they tended to take it too far with Lucy sometimes, but for her to react like that, it must have been something personal.

"We were talking about Lucy's sexual escapades. Or lack thereof, I should say." Cana added, already on her way to finishing her third barrel of alcohol. "Poor girl, doesn't know what she's missing!"

"So it wasn't just me!" He stared accusingly towards the group who'd pointed their fingers at him. "But why were you talking about that?" Natsu asked, rolling his eyes. He knew it was something of that nature, but why did they always have to pick on Lucy about it?

"We were just having a little fun but she stopped talking after admitting something and the conversation ended there." Levy started, she felt a little bad for Lucy and how they had reacted to her confession.

"Then you came over and said that, which I imagine was the icing on the cake. Not that you could've known that, of course." Mira finished, she hadn't meant to upset Lucy, she'd just got a little carried away in her excitement.

"Admitted something?" Natsu asked, brows furrowed. Had something happened to her? He'd always been acutely aware of bastards who thought they had a right to touch Lucy, but he took care of them with great pleasure. "What did she tell you?"

"I'm surprised you weren't listening, even I heard them talking and I wasn't even trying to. They weren't being quiet about it." Gajeel walked over with a twin in each arm and stood next to Levy.

"Is someone gonna to tell me what was said? Or are you just going to keep wasting my time, when I should be looking for Lucy?" He was starting to get frustrated now, like he didn't have enough on his mind without them going round in circles.

"We were teasing her about her closeness with you, Natsu, and it went too far." Juvia admitted, even she felt bad now that she had said it out loud.

"And to shut us up she said that she'd never been romantically involved with anyone before and it shocked us. We should have said something, but we didn't." Lisanna said quietly, they had been so excited by what Happy had told them, they hadn't considered Lucy's feelings. "We're sorry, Natsu. We weren't trying to make her feel bad about it. We wouldn't knowingly upset Lucy."

"It's my fault Natsu, I told Mira about what I saw when I came home yesterday and I think it got a little out of hand." Happy came over to Natsu and stood in front of him, with his head down, feeling a little silly now for saying such things.

"We're all to blame, not just Happy. We were so excited and shocked we thought that you'd both finally got together or something." Mira finished, she wished she'd been more sensitive to Lucy's feelings now.

Natsu let out a puff of smoke, and sifted his hand through his hair, completely exasperated. A reaction like that would make anyone feel self conscious, let alone someone like Lucy. It was something she'd always been private about and he was at a loss over how to solve it. She always got flustered if anyone ever brought it up so he never asked, wanting to save her from the embarrassment. It was a delicate and fragile subject for her and he respected that, but these girls seemed to lack a filter and it would often lead to overly personal interrogations.

Natsu didn't really understand why it was such a big deal whether she'd been with someone or not. What she had or hadn't done before was up to Lucy, it was in the past, and as long as she was safe, he didn't care. She'd always been very innocent minded so maybe those things meant more to her? He needed to get to the bottom of this, so he stood up and started to walk towards the main door.

"I guess I should go fix this then?" He exhaled, no longer in the mood to engage with them about it any longer. Why couldn't they just keep their mouths shut? How was he supposed to bring up what he needed to talk about with her, when she was already heightened from this? He loved every single one of his friends, but they could really stick their foot in it sometimes.

He walked out of the guild and took in a deep breath, he hoped Lucy wasn't angry with him for what he'd said, and would let him speak to her at least. He sniffed at the air to try and catch a whiff of Lucy's scent and started to walk in the direction she'd gone.

"Let's go and find mama! I think I know where she's gone." He smiled at the little baby who was resting his head on his fathers shoulder, his wide blue eyes staring deeply into Natsu's green ones.

Seeing that sweet face always managed to make Natsu smile, no matter how bleak the situation, Haru seemed to brighten everything up. Looking forward again, he kept walking, eventually turning a corner and entering Strawberry Street. There she was, sat on the wall with her legs dangling over the canal. It was late afternoon now and the sun was getting lower in the sky, making the blue water glisten. He walked over and perched himself next to her, keeping silent for a moment.

"You found me then? I was wondering when you'd show up." Lucy said, not taking her eyes off of the water. "Did they bombard you with ridiculous questions as well?"

"Not really." He said simply, he really wasn't sure how he was meant to talk about this with her, maybe he should just let her take the lead.

"Figures, they never do with you. Being so shielded means people learn not to bother." She said, with a slight sting in her voice, not directing at him, but at the situation in general.

"Shielded? What do you mean?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. He didn't understand what she was trying to imply.

"Nothing Natsu. Sorry, it's not you I'm annoyed with. I'm not really annoyed with anyone, other than myself for being so immature. I don't know why those things get to me so easily, but they do. I'm an adult, I should be able to talk about adult things without turning into a complete mess." She sighed and finally looked over at him and gave a half smile, then turned to Haru, relaxing a little as she reached out to stroke his hair.

"Maybe, you're just not ready for those sorts of things, but that doesn't make you immature, Lucy, it's not for everyone. It'll come in time if that's what matters to you." He knew it would take her longer, but that was why he was willing to wait for her.

"But I want to be ready…" She said quietly. "Don't you ever want that, Natsu?"

"I didn't use to, it never interested me. But becoming Haru's father changed that, he opened my eyes to all sorts of possibilities that I'd never considered before." Natsu brought the baby down into his lap and smiled at his big wide eyes, he felt Lucy lean in and lay her head against his shoulder. It was in times like this he realised, he could never want anything more than the little family he'd made for himself, and what a beautiful thing it was to experience it with his best friend. "Like having my own family and being with someone I want to share that with."

He turned his head to face her, locking onto her eyes as she brought her own head up. Lucy felt her heart start to thump harshly against her chest, was he trying to tell her something? Was she that someone? Or was she misreading it again? No, she didn't think she was. His eyes were piercing into hers with so much emotion it was almost shattering. Never in a million years did she think Natsu would speak so openly with her, but then she'd never actually asked him. So maybe he wasn't hiding anything, she was just incapable of reading what he'd been trying to tell her all along.

"Me too, Natsu. I think it's also why it bothers me so much when people pry, because I've only ever had eyes for one person. Why would I look elsewhere when all I need is right here in front of me?" She reached out, placing her hand onto his cheek and caressed it with her thumb, giving him her sweetest smile.

It surprised her that for once she didn't feel embarrassed to say that to him, in fact she felt empowered. The way he was looking at her made her stomach do back flips, but this time she didn't want to shy away from it, she wanted to run with it and see where it would take her.

Natsu smiled softly at her, he felt completely at her mercy. Was this the moment he'd been so desperately waiting for? He'd just told her something he'd never told anyone, what else could he say to make her realise? He couldn't look away from her big brown eyes, they were hypnotising. She was the sweetest person he'd ever met and her beauty couldn't be tamed by words. In that moment, her entire being was glowing, blending with the evening rays and she looked utterly breathtaking.

She leaned in, nothing was going to stop her this time. With new found courage, she brushed her nose up against his, and opened her mouth ever so slightly as her eyes slowly began to close. Natsu could feel the blood pumping in his ears as he watched her come closer, her beautiful brown eyes shimmered before they shut completely. He brought his free hand up to rest under her ear with his fingers tangling into her hair and tilted his head slightly. He moved ever so slowly closer to her, waiting to receive her mouth with his.

"Kiss me, Natsu." She whispered against him and that was all he needed before he connected their lips in a sweet kiss.

He pressed delicately against her, her lips were like nothing he'd ever felt before. They moulded perfectly to his and her scent was intoxicating, making him want to delve deeper, but he wouldn't, not yet. He wanted Lucy's first kiss to be special because it mattered to her and that's exactly what it was, soft and gentle. It was all the things Lucy had hoped for as her first experience and she couldn't believe it was with Natsu, the man who had stolen her heart. They remained like that for a few moments and after revelling in each others warm touch, they pulled apart.

Breathing harshly, Lucy's face split into a wide grin, her eyes crinkling at the corners as they were forced shut from her elation. She couldn't believe it, after so many failed attempts and worrying over nothing, they'd finally kissed and it had felt amazing.

"Why did we wait so long to do that?" Lucy beamed. She moved back slightly, wanting to see his face more clearly.

"That wasn't a one time deal, Lucy, we'll need to make up for lost time." A sly smile creeping on to his face, expression turning from soft to something a little more hungry as he glared at her like something he could devour.

Lucy felt almost intimidated by his stare, he was so hot and fiery, she could only imagine what he'd be like as a lover. She felt a spark shoot straight down to the area between her legs as she thought of all the things he might do to her. This time she couldn't help the blush rise up her chest and neck the longer he looked at her like that.

"Luce, you're blushing again. You really should save those kinda thoughts for the bedroom." He smirked at her, she'd always leave herself open for teasing. As much as he wanted to give in to his (and her) desires and consume every last inch of her body this second, right where they sat. He didn't feel that was overly appropriate whilst their son was present and still awake.

"Natsu! There are innocent ears present!" She squeaked, blush now taking over her entire body and it wasn't helping that he was obviously trying to stifle a laugh.

"Come on, Luce. It's getting late and Haru needs to go to bed soon." He turned around and stood up, reaching out his hand to her. The sun had disappeared from the sky now, with only the moonlight to guide their way. Neither mage could control their beaming smiles as they made their way home.

Once reaching their house and going inside, Lucy took Haru from Natsu and went upstairs to their bedroom to change him and began to settle him as she sat on the bed. Natsu had come up not long after with a fresh bottle of milk for him. He stayed in the doorway, out of view, for a moment and listened to Lucy speak softly to the little one. He watched her lean back on the pillows with Haru resting on her stomach as she stroked his back.

Haru, seeming a little unsettled, was grunting as he tried to get comfortable. Lucy (and Natsu) watched in amusement, with grins plastered on both of their faces as he wriggled around on Lucy's stomach, slowly climbing up towards her chest. This was something she had read about in her many baby books. Small baby's would attempt to climb the mother's body to latch on and feed, although it surprised her the instinct was still there considering he'd been bottle fed for the last two weeks.

He was still very small so he struggled to move his weight around, well that's what they thought until he suddenly lifted his head to move it. Lucy's eyes widened like saucers as she watched him do it again. It wasn't elegant or delicate, plopping it back down onto his mother as he jerkily moved to face where Natsu was standing. Natsu walked over, making his presence known and knelt down beside the bed so that he was eye level with the little boy, bringing his face closer so that Haru could focus on it.

"Did you see that Natsu? He climbed up me and lifted his head!" Lucy beamed whilst trying to remain calm for Haru's sake, it was still his bed time after all.

"You bet I did!" A grin pierced his face as he continued to watch the tiny fella. Bringing his hand up to stroke his chubby little cheek. "What a strong boy you are!" It was such a little thing, but Natsu couldn't have been prouder of how well his son was doing. He stayed there for a while longer, cheering the baby on as he made his way up.

Haru had reached his mother's chest and had started rooting, another thing she had read about. Lucy was amazed by how much such a tiny baby could do, it was so damn cute, but he was definitely hungry.

"I'm sorry baby, you're not going to find anything in there." She couldn't contain her giggles as they wracked her body. She quickly held onto Haru so that he didn't fall off as she sat up and laid him down in her lap. "But daddy has something yummy for you."

Natsu stood up, chuckling to himself at the baby's desperate attempt to feed and sat down next to Lucy, handing her the warmed bottle. Haru opened his mouth eagerly and started guzzling, like always. They cuddled up to one another and watched the baby feed for a little while.

"That's one little milestone reached, he'll be walking and talking before you know it." Lucy whispered, feeling a little sad at the prospect of Haru not being this little forever.

"Don't wish it away, Luce. We should just enjoy it while he's still so small." Natsu said. His mood instantly soured as his words reminded him about what he'd been needing to tell her all day, he guessed now was a good a time as any. "When we go downstairs, I need to talk to you, Lucy."

"Is everything okay, Natsu?" She suddenly felt a little worried, starting a conversation with those words never ended well. Her mind was running wild with all the possible things he might say and naturally she came to one conclusion. Her eyes widened, as she snapped her head up to his. "Is this about the kiss?!"

"Why would it be about that?" Raising and eyebrow in confusion. He chuckled at her pink dusted cheeks, only she would assume he would have a problem with that. "You're weird, Lucy!"

Blushing a little at his words, Lucy nodded, feeling relieved. When Haru had settled down, they both went downstairs and sat on the couch together. Natsu looked so serious, it was very unlike him to look like that without good reason. He took her hands in his and let out a breath, this was going to be painful, he just knew it. But at least it was just the two of them, so if Lucy did get upset, he could handle it without any prying ears around.

"Lucy, I don't know how best to say this but…" Her mind was going into overdrive as he paused, he was staring so intently at her that she couldn't stop the adrenaline from spiking through her body and making it tremble. "We need to return to work soon, the money from our last job has almost run out." He waited for her reaction, watching her face morph from confusion to something he couldn't place.

"Yeah, I know. I've been thinking about it for a few days now and I thought if I tried to ignore it, then it would go away." Lucy sighed, she'd been dreading this, she didn't want to go back to work yet, she didn't feel ready. "I wanted to stay with Haru a bit longer before we had to go back, but apparently babies are expensive. Who knew?" She snorted, but her voice was void of mirth.

"Hold on a second! I've been going out of my head all day trying to find a way to tell you and you already knew?!" Natsu looked at her in disbelief. How stupid could he be? Of course she knew, this was Lucy, she was meant to be the sensible one here.

"Just because I knew doesn't make it any easier, Natsu. I don't feel ready at all to return yet, I don't want to leave Haru while he's still so small. It feels like we've only just come back with him and now we're leaving again." She looked down at the floor, fighting to hold back the tears in her eyes, quickly wiping them away.

"Honestly, I don't feel ready either, but no matter how hard it gets, we'll get through it." He spoke softly, circling his arms around her waist and pulling her against him, if she were to cry then he would be there for her, just like she was there for him. He leant down and breathed into her ear, "It's okay to be sad, Lucy."

As soon as her head touched his chest, the flood gates opened, everything she had suppressed came spilling out and she couldn't stop the tremors that dominated her body. Natsu hated seeing her cry, but this reaction was quite tame and easy to deal with compared to how he thought she was going to be.

"We've only had Haru for two weeks but I just can't imagine not being with him, he's such a vulnerable little baby that needs his mommy and daddy." She sniffled, holding onto Natsu like her life depended on it and in return, he held her tight, giving her all the time she needed to relieve herself of such worries. "I need him to be safe and I'm scared that if we leave him now something bad might happen."

"He will be safe, nothing is going to happen to him while we're gone, I promise." He brought his hand up to place it on the top of her head and began to comb through her silky hair with his fingers. "We knew when we took him in it was going to be harder, but we've come this far and he's doing so well compared to where he started."

"He is, even the guys at the guild were saying so. I love him so much, more than I ever thought possible and I want to do right by him. Which also means earning money to provide for him too. I just wish it wasn't so soon." The tears began to fall once more as she buried her head back in to his chest.

"He's a little fighter, Luce. It'll be worth it when you have him to come home to every time, he'll be your reason to keep going, no matter how hard it gets." Natsu felt his own tears spring to the surface, but fought them back. He loved Haru with his entire being and having to leave him was killing him inside, but he had to remain strong for Lucy. "Haru is a tough little boy, he's proven that every single day, so he'll be fine for a few days without us."

"He will. I know he will, thank you Natsu." Her voice barely audible as her breathing began to even out and her tears were slowing down.

It took her a few moments but she eventually and reluctantly separated from his hold and stared up at him. She smiled at him, a genuine happy smile that conveyed so much more than any words she could say. Her eyes were still glossy from crying and her cheeks tinted pink. Her mouth was partially open and her plump lips looked ever so enticing. Natsu was stunned once more by her beauty, it seemed no matter the situation, whether she was laughing or crying, she always managed to look so angelic and all he could think about was their earlier kiss and how much he wanted to do it again.

Lucy could see the want in his eyes, like she was something he would ravage until he was satiated. It made her heart leap out of her chest at the very idea of him being let loose, allowing his hot mouth to gorge on her body. It was just the two of them and even though she was nervous about how far he might go, she wasn't sure once they started whether she'd want him to stop.

Giving in to his desire, placing a hand on the nape of her neck and the other on her waist, he pulled her in, hearing a sharp inhale as he welded his lips onto hers in a searing hot kiss. The dragon slayer inhaled every last drop of her alluring scent and began to move his mouth, moulding their lips together again and again in a fluid motion, swallowing every little whimper that escaped her needy crevice. It was slow and passionate, savouring every last touch of her delicate lips.

Natsu, wanted to taste her, to explore her little mouth and so weaved his tongue into the kiss, which Lucy gladly accepted with her own. It felt like she was being scorched from the inside and it made her feel dizzy, making her moan into him. It was a noise that seemed to awaken the fire within his belly, he just couldn't get enough of this girl.

Without separating, he pushed her down, laying her back against the couch with his body hovering over her, his legs straddling hers and her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. They were completely lost in each other, nothing could penetrate their little bubble of happiness.

When they finally broke apart, breathing harshly from the lack of oxygen, Natsu placed his forehead against hers and smiled. The smile took over his entire face and the only thing Lucy could do was mirror him. He opened his eyes to look at her flushed face, feeling a sense of pride as he mused over her swollen pink lips, even now he found it hard to stop himself from claiming them again.

"You don't know how long I've waited to do that." He whispered, still a little out of breath, but feeling completely elated at the same time.

"Me too, Natsu. I always assumed you weren't interested in me, but I guess you've proved me wrong." She chuckled at the silliness of it all, after all this time he'd wanted her just as much as she wanted him and she couldn't have been happier.

"In that case, I'll spend every day from now on showing you just how interested I am." He smirked, watching her face flush fifty shades of red as she realised what he was implying.

He leaned down, his lips were mere millimetres from her mouth, breath mingling with hers, "You're so beautiful, Lucy." He whispered before ravaging her lips once more. He could totally do this all night long if Lucy would let him.

"OH MY GOD! NATSU AND LUCY ARE MAKING KITTENS!" Both mages heads snapped towards where the noise had come from, making eye contact with the little blue feline hovering by the front door, giggling to himself.

Without thinking, Lucy pushed Natsu off of her in her temper, got up from the chair and ran after the cat, that had now shot back out of the front door, flying for his life as the blonde chased after him. Natsu walked over to the door and watched as Happy taunted Lucy whilst she screeched at him. He contemplated briefly whether he should go and save his little friend before Lucy unleashed hell upon him, if she ever managed to catch him that was. He was probably enjoying their little show more than he should have done and decided that Happy, for once, was on his own.

[everythingoesnk]

My name

summary; you and paul were involved in a car wreck and he hasn’t been able to move on

word count; 1 113

request by anon; “would you ever write an angsty paul fic? you’re the queen of that 👑”

disclaimers; i’m no queen of anything but hope this doesn’t disappoint you :)

warnings; battling w/ depression

********

Shoulders hunched forward, sitting on the edge of the bed with the elbows propped on his knees, Paul let the blackness in his bedroom take hold of him. Not a single streak of light could break through the shell he brick by brick built around his soul.

Continuously eating his mind, depression had consumed whatever spark characterized the man he once was.

His swollen heart went into an endless free fall, and although he tried desperately to hang on to anything that would stop the descent, he couldn’t. In his nightmares his bleeding hands were brutally bruised, making it impossible to cling long enough to any branch of salvation. He just assumed he would end up hitting hard the concrete someday, dying lastly.

Assumptions. That’s what it was all about these days.

He ducked his head.

The idea of dying and finally resting low key lifted his spirit.

“You have a way out right under your nose and you won’t give it a chance”

Drained of any emotion other than consternation, your voice stabbed at him.

Frustration flared up in your chest when he didn’t bother to elaborate a response.

“I like Linda” you murmured after a while.

Every muscle in his body aching, Paul sighed, much more tense now that you were there to tell him off.

“You don’t?” you asked.

He shrugged.

“You won’t stay this broken forever” you reminded. “People heal with—”

“Time? Shut up, (Y/N)” Paul shook his head, getting all riled up.

Your gut twisted.

“Listen to what I want to say first before you come at me, at least”

“I don’t care anymore. About anything”

The amount of lethargy and disgust in his tone made your heart shrink.

“Please, Paul, don’t talk like that”

In a beat, Paul rose, went over to the nearest table and flipped it away with all the strength he could muster. Hot and heavy, your chest turned into a scorching oven when he finally looked at you, his tormented deep-set auburn eyes searing into yours like a gunshot aimed toward you. You noticed too how his thorax hitched up and down, clearly agitated.

“Ever since you left, everyone seems to know what’s best for me, always giving me advice I never asked for. You understand me when I say that that’s my business only, do you? If I want to deal with this my way I’m allowed”

“Totally. But you’ve got to—”

“You’ve got to,” he mocked, anger surging through his body, “everyone repeats that, ranting about how I have to accept help because it’ll help me heal faster. I’m DONE!”

His screaming catapulted your pulse to the heavens above.

You were scared to speak know. Whatever you articulated, he wouldn’t dissect to comprehend that the people who loved and cared for him were just offering support for him to not cope with the grief alone.

“Why are you here anyway?” Paul asked, standing rigid.

“If I’m here it’s ‘cause you needed to see me”

He turned his head to sort of have a moment with himself, hands fixed on the hips.

Paul chuckled glumly beneath crystalline quiet tears. Tears that were now trickling down his cheeks.

“It’s been one solid year”

“Are you going to measure now for how long I’m permitted to mourn?”

“Don’t do this to me” you begged, his brusqueness making you feel like you were gulping glass.

“Don’t do what, exactly? You’re the one who’s gone, and I’m left here alone—”

“I can’t find peace within myself if you won’t let me go” you interrupted. “I saw your reaction when you first met Linda, it awakened familiar feelings and that’s totally fine”

You walked closer and tipped your forehead against his. “A new happiness doesn’t mean you’re leaving me behind. Knowing that someone will love and take care of you as I did is what I want most in the world, for I know you’ll be safe”

Paul knew he couldn’t let his destructive demeanour be in control forever, but he hadn’t recovered fully yet.

“I still need more time to process you’re dead” he muttered, sniffing.

“I’m not dead entirely” you corrected.

Paul’s brows were so close in confusion that they looked like a slim caterpillar.

“I’m here,” you said, placing a tender hand on his torso to feel the beat of his heart, “as long as you remember me or mention my name. Tell to the kids you’re sure going to have one day how bitter you’d be at me whenever we’d compete to see who could fit more strawberries in the mouth, losing every time. I want you to make them laugh so hard with that story that they ask you to tell it again. Over and over until they can recite it themselves. You can forget me from time to time,” you looked up at him and saw him eyeing you with a mixture of love and commotion, “but mention my name. Even if it’s only in your mind ‘cause you don’t want anyone to hear. That’s all I’m asking. If you ever stop, I’d be dead for good”

Paul’s fingers were clutching at your dress as the pain coursed over his rattled body. Agony thickened his tears and made his lashes look even darker.

Hostage to the sorrow, he didn’t even realize until you pulled your hand back to the side that you had stroked his cheek.

“Everything’s going to be alright, Paulie” you assured, conceding him one last delicate smile.

He wanted to say more, but after blinking once, annoyed at how uncomfortable the weight of the tears in his eyelids was, you were no longer there.

//

Paul was on the bed, curled on his right side when Brian found him.

He went to pick him up to go to the airport because the band had interviews and performances on the other side of the globe for the next two weeks.

“Ready?” Brian asked, observing him with curious eyes.

Paul coughed. “Huh… yeah”

When they got to the car, Paul called out Brian’s name before either of them could get in. Both had their hands on the handle. Brian just stared back, dragging his eyebrows together.

“Do you remember Linda?”

Brian’s furrow deepened, but he was genuinely interested.

“Yes”

“Could you get me a contact number? I might take her on a date”

“That’s… that’s a fantastic idea. Consider it done”

Brian slowly showed a complacent smile. His eyes lit up at the fact that Paul hadn’t given up on life or love.

He looked up to the sky and his grin became bigger.

For some odd reason, he felt you had something to do with it.

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Two Hundred Eighty-Six: Humiliation ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura ] [ SasuHina, NaruSaku, vulgarity, bullying ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

Love can make you do really stupid things.

She’s crushed on the sunshine blond since they were in grade school. There was just something so enrapturing about his energy, his drive, his exuberance. It felt like there was nothing he couldn’t do, even as he consistently got in trouble for being too loud, too rambunctious, too bull-headed. To Hinata, Naruto’s defiance and daring was like a vision of Spring in her Winter. Her childhood had been lonely, with a father that was too reminded of his late wife when he looked at her. A sister who was favored and basked in their father’s attention. A cousin she was never allowed to see due to a falling out between twins. Her meek nature kept her within her own little box.

But Naruto gave her hope that - maybe, someday - she could escape that box. Be as bright and as free has he seemed to be.

For years she kept her admiration to herself. Naruto was the odd kid out when they were young, tussling with bullies and giving the cold shoulder to those who gave it first. But slowly, minds began to change. His fight for attention whittled away their skepticism as he took on bigger and better roles. By the time they were in high school, the gangly kid had grown into a kind-hearted jock, beloved by many for both his smiles and his skills on the field. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who genuinely disliked him. Even those jealous of his high school stature found it hard to hate him.

And though many of them had brushed him off when they were young, several of the girls found his transformation worth a second look...including the girl he’d always chased after: Sakura Haruno.

Hinata knew that if she didn’t speak soon...she’d never have the chance to speak at all. So one afternoon, after classes were done, she built up the courage and asked to speak with him...alone.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“I…” Suddenly her throat was dry, her lungs were flat...she couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe!

“...you okay?”

“I just, u-um...I wanted to tell you that I, er...that I...like you a lot. A-and I know that...that I’m not someone you would ever...consider. But I’d regret it forever if...if I never told you.”

Golden brows lift up under their matching fringe. “You...you do?”

“...yes…”

“Oh...well, uh…” A hand idles at the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, Hinata...but there’s someone else. You’re a nice girl, but...y’know…”

She knew it was a possibility - a certainty, even. “...I-I understand. Thank you for...for listening. I’m sorry to have wasted your t-time -”

“No - Hinata, wait -!”

Skirting around him, she dodges his reaching hand and escapes into the hallway, nearly stumbling into a pair of other students before fleeing. Though she’d told herself she wouldn’t cry, tears fall free as she barrels through the doors and out into the yard beyond.

Stupid...so stupid…

As though the sky itself is mocking her, it starts to rain, and she’s drenched by the time she makes it home. Neither her father or sister are home, which she takes as a blessing. Stripped of her wet clothes, she moves straight into the hot shower, hiding under the water and steam until her skin is angry and red.

At least it’s Friday. She has two whole days to recover. Surely he’ll forget all about it by Monday, and she can just...move on. Pretend it never happened.

...yeah, right.

She’s never been one for social media, instead passing the weekend by with homework, movies, and games. To her own surprise, she feels marginally better by Monday morning, heading into school without a bow to her head.

...but it’s soon obvious something is amiss.

Heads turn, eyes stare, lips whisper. She’d be able to ignore it if it wasn’t so blatantly pointed. No one bothers to hide their gossiping, their glowers.

But the worst of it comes at her locker.

“Well, well...look who it is.”

Flinching, Hinata turns to find herself suddenly surrounded. A gaggle of girls - spearheaded by none other than Sakura - form a ring around her door. “W...what do you want?”

“Well, I just heard the most distressing little rumor,” the rosette begins, one arm across her chest as the other rests atop it. She taps a finger against her cheek. “You see...word in the hallways is that you tried to ask out a taken man.”

“I -? What are you t-talking about? I-I didn’t -!”

“Is it true you confessed to Naruto Uzumaki? Is it true that - despite him having a most devoted and loving girlfriend - you tried to cozy up to him?” Sakura’s sickeningly sweet act soon gives way to clear temper. “Because if that’s true, you little slut...I’m going to slam your face against that locker door until that idea fals right out of your head!”

Around them, a sizeable crowd is growing, attracted by her loud, furious words. Backed up to her locker, Hinata fails to fight tears, shaking her head. “N-no, I...I wasn’t trying to -!”

“He told me, you lying bitch! You think I’m going to believe you over him…? How dare you try to circumvent me! He’s mine - and none of your doe-eyeing is going to change that! If you ever try to go behind my back again, I’ll -!”

Her hand lifts, clearly making to strike a palm against Hinata’s cheek. With nowhere to go, Hinata gives a cry, turning to huddle against her locker and brace herself.

...but the impact never comes.

Instead, a shocked silence overcomes the hallway, and Hinata dares to peek over.

“...you realize that hitting another student is a one-way ticket to detention, don’t you? Wouldn’t want a spot on that record of yours, Sakura.”

Jades are wide, Sakura’s wrist held in the stranger’s hand. “...s-she started this!”

“If you really think a turned down confession with no real intent to date is worth assaulting someone...you’re an even bigger garbage heap than I thought. Take your insecurities and cry about them to someone who cares...like your boyfriend. And leave this one alone. She’s hardly about to be the reason Naruto breaks up with you. He’s got plenty without it.”

Furious color rises up Sakura’s neck, snatching her arm out of the boy’s grip. “...whatever. At least everyone knows the truth about that little harlot. You should’ve stayed in your corner where you belong!”

“Fuck...off.”

Harrumphing, Sakura stalks back down the hallway, her gaggle of girls trailing behind. For a moment, the crowds linger in uncertainty before slowly going back to their business.

All the while, Hinata barely dares to breathe, a strange hollowness in her chest. Everyone...everyone saw. Everyone heard. They all think she’s some kind of slut trying to steal someone’s boyfriend. All she wanted was to be honest...so maybe she could move on…

“Hey...are you -?”

Legs like jelly, Hinata shoves past her savior, pushing her way through the hallway traffic toward the door. She can’t stay here, she can’t stand the eyes, the words, the humiliation -!

She barely clears the doorway before her knees give out, mind completely overwhelmed. She’s ruined...the rest of her high school days will be spent in the shadow of today. How...how can she -?

Before she can skin her knees on the concrete, Hinata feels arms around her waist, hauling her back up to her feet. Still unsteady, she stays limp in her companion’s grip.

“Easy...take a second to breathe. I know you’re panicking, and I know that was a shitshow. But you have to breathe, Hinata.”

Gasping and trembling, she suddenly finds herself sobbing, the shock cut through by his words and letting her react. Even now her knees refuse to hold her, her will to hold herself up lost in the tide of her emotions.

Without a word, the one behind her gives a grunt and hauls her up further, carrying her to a bench nearby. Setting her on one end, he sits along the other, letting her collapse apathetically against him.

...who…?

To her surprise, an arm wraps around her shoulders, pulling her closer. Normally she’d flip, shoving him off and demanding to know what his problem was. But right now, he’s the only solid thing around her as she drowns...so instead, she clings.

“...I’m sorry about all that bullshit. You don’t deserve that...Sakura’s just an insecure busybody who thinks everyone’s out to get her. You didn’t do anything wrong…”

“B-but everyone...e-everyone’s going to -!”

“Naruto told me what happened. His mistake was telling Sakura. He’s gone today...but you can bet he’ll be trying to make this right when he gets back. He’s an idiot...but he’s not an asshole. Trust me, I know.”

It’s only then Hinata dares to look up, curious just who’s gotten himself involved in his mess. Pale eyes then widen as she recognizes him: Naruto’s best friend, Sasuke. “...y-you…?”

He in turn looks back at her softly. “...it’s gonna be fine. Maybe not for a day or two, but...he’ll set things right. Who knows...maybe now he’ll see her for the bitch she really is…”

“W-why are…you helping me?”

“Why wouldn’t I? Look...Sakura’s driven me nuts for a long time. She’s a nasty piece of work when she wants to be. I wasn’t about to let that slide. Just glad I was there when I was.”

“I...I can’t go back there…”

“...maybe we can talk to the school nurse and get you excused. Cuz yeah...it might not be a good idea for you to be there today. I’ll go with you.”

Still unsure why he’s trying so hard, Hinata nonetheless nods. Shakily finding her feet, she walks beside him back into the building. By now, the halls are empty as first period begins, and they make it to the office unfettered. Hinata explains as best she can, Sasuke providing additional testimony and proof.

“Well...you’re not ill, per se...but I think I can get you excused. If another student is going to be treating you like that, it’s not safe for you to be here. I’ll have the principal speak to her.”

Hinata knows that won’t do any good… “Do I...do I have to stay, and...and tell what happened again?”

“No, I have it all written down here. You go home and calm down. But you’ll have to be back in tomorrow.”

“I understand.”

“Ma’am, can I have first period excused to walk her home? She shouldn’t go alone.”

The nurse sighs...and then relents. “Oh, all right. But be back in time for second, understood.?”

“Yes ma’am.”

As they leave, Hinata grabbing her already-packed bag, she murmurs, “...you don’t have to go with me.”

“I have calculus first period. Might as well skip it. Besides...I do want to make sure you get home okay. You’re pretty shaken up.”

“...thanks.”

The walk is silent, the Hinata seemingly lost in her thoughts. Sasuke takes to texting, brow furrowed. By the time they make it to her place, he tucks the mobile back in his pocket.

“I told Naruto what happened. He’s pretty pissed, and says to tell you he’s sorry. Apparently he’ll be back for afternoon classes, and he’s gonna tell Sakura what for. So...tomorrow might not be so bad.”

“...that’s good.”

“...you sure you’re okay?”

“Not...not really.”

“I can stay.”

“N-no! You’ll get in trouble!”

“There’s worse things than skipping a day of school,” he assures her with a hint of a grin.

Hinata hesitates. “Why...why are you being so nice to me…?”

“Is that not allowed?”

“I’m just...curious. I don’t...know you. At least, n-not very well. Surely you’ve got b-better things to do, right?”

It’s then Sasuke’s turn to pause. “...I like you. You’re a nice person, even if no one bothers to see it. I don’t know anyone else quite like you. And someone nice shouldn’t be treated like that.”

A hint of pink blooms in her cheeks. He likes her? Or...does he like her…? His reply is rather...ambiguous. “...well, I...I appreciate it. But you really don’t n-need to stay. I’ll be all right, and you...you should get back to class.”

“...all right. Mind if I check in on you? Send you a text at lunch or something?”

“S...sure.” She sheepishly offers her number. “You...y-you better get going, so you’re not late.”

“I’ve got plenty of time. You get inside and take it easy, okay?”

“I will.”

“All right...see you later.” Giving a mock salute, he starts meandering back down the sidewalk.

Watching him for a time, Hinata eventually slips into the house. There’s still a lingering edge to her mind, nerves jumpy and anxious. But...she also feels a lot calmer now. Sasuke’s company seems to have helped quite a bit. Curious…

For now, however, she goes upstairs and curls in bed, phone on her pillow as she awaits a buzz in a few hours. Maybe, until then, she’ll just...take a little nap...

                                                         .oOo.

     OKAY FIRST let me say: I do not hate Sakura. I dislike some aspects about her canon character, but overall I'm not anti Sakura or anything. She just...works for the trope in this piece. Sorry Sakura fans, I just...needed someone for the role :'D      Anyway, with that out of the way...oof, this was painful to write. I was never really part of any big high school drama, so...I don't have any experience in it. And this is likely SUPER unrealistic and hyperbolic. But that's the fun of fanfic, right? But at least Hinata had someone there to come to her rescue. Hopefully Naruto can set things straight...yeesh.      But uhhh, yeah, that's all for tonight. In all honesty today was Rough and now it's super late despite me...really wanting to get some good sleep :'D So I better bounce. Thanks for reading~

[saint-patrice]

Tbh I would like to have the 34 *other* Bergy pics on your shortlist, complete with commentary lolol. And then (if you’re still waiting that is) any other Marchy pics with commentary? xD xD

oh my godddd you are my favourite person anon - ask and ye shall receive 😎 i should maybe warn that while this doesn’t have actual nsfw content you probably wouldn’t want to read this to your kids as a bedtime story. anyway, here we go: 

this was very close to making the original list. i like the soft lighting and the kind of floofy hair, yet he still looks like he could absolutely fuck me up (both like in a fight and various other ways). this photo gets me thinking some thoughts ™ if i am being honest

a literal saint and god amongst men right here. his brown eyes are so soft and his little smile puts me at ease. this is a man who would treat me right (fact). this photo is also from quite deep into the playoffs so the beard is going a little wild, and whilst i’m glad it isn’t like this all of the time, i very much appreciate it when it’s around.

O CAP’N MY CAP’N (sorry zee). nah for real this exudes some real sexy alternate energy. if i were on the opposing team and i saw this formidable man just skating around looking like that i think i’d just go back down the tunnel and hide in the locker room. this man will fucking kneecap you for the sake of a goal if that’s what it takes. and then i remember that it’s patrice and he’s the nicest man alive and he would literally never, but that’s still the energy this image has. and i ain’t saying i don’t like it.

okay this is just cute. they look like 2 dads who aren’t entirely sure how to take a selfie but are willing to try. the outfits lend this a slightly chaotic energy - i can’t commend zee’s colour combo if i’m honest, and when juxtaposed with the plaid shirt it kind of hurts my head. but it adds to the dad energy so i still love it. also this is from chara’s ig and the caption is super sweet.

DADS WITH THEIR KIDS ALWAYS GETS ME. i don’t even want kids, nor do i particularly like them, but seeing a man with his child is the cutest thing in the world and this, predictably, is no exception. patrice’s son 100% has his eyes which is really cute. speaking of patrice’s eyes, he may be smiling here but if you look into his eyes all you will see is fear - that child does not appear too bothered about remaining upright on the ice, and i suspect thay bergy is concerned about this. it would be criminal for me to not comment on the jeans. bergy has some exceptional thighs as these jeans do an excellent job of highlighting that.

this is Hot, and i’m not accepting criticism on that opinion. the crisp white shirt w no jacket or tie, and the top buttons undone???? i need a lie down. the hands are also making a nice appearance which i can always appreciate. basically what i’m saying is that i’m jealous of that snake this is an excellent photo and i owe the bruins instagram person a drink for posting it.

do you remember when i said bergy had marvellous thighs? well take a fucking sip babes - they’re like tree trunks carved out of carrara marble. if i have to die i want it to be because they crushed my skull. this is also one of the clearest photos i’ve seen of his tattoo, so it has that going for it too ( sidenote if anyone has an image with literally a pixel of his tattoo pls send it my way, i’m getting desperate at this point). i also think men in jewellery is a good look so i’m digging his beaded bracelets and silver chain. fantastic picture all round.

yeah okay there’s no escaping that the main reason this one made the list is 🍑. it’s exquisite. those pants also do a great job on the thighs too. the hair, socked feet (no i dont have a fetish i just think ppl in their socks with no shoes is kind of funny), and hands get an honourable mention

is this the only picture that has ever mattered? i’d believe it. patrice just lovingly gazing down at his son giving his hockey husband a handshake? you just can’t beat it. i have also been emotionally ruined by that tiny #37 jersey oh my

in the interest of being polite, i will describe this look as rugged. he has probably objectively looked better but i just like this photo and awful lot.

i don’t think i can give any commentary on this without saying something genuinely not suitable for public eyes. the 2 things i will say are: the only thing keeping me going completely feral horny looking at this is those pants,, if they were black or navy i’d be dead; and patrice i am begging you to do up a few more buttons on your shirt or remove it completely or i’m not going to live much longer.

oh man i just love this??? i can’t even explain why. the lack of much beard and the expression in his eyes just makes him look massively soft - i would give him a kiss on the nose and a cuddle in this photo

(gif via @gaudreau) i am slightly loathe to admit this bc it sounds weird but cuts and bruises can sometimes be a real look so this checks that box for me. his smile when he talks truly is one of the finer things in life too. also the lil shrug. i love you mr pikachu

a** fantastic **angle. this is just prime beautiful bergy.  excellent level of beard imo, the lighting shows off his v nice bone structure, and the nose is looking fab as always. weird observation of the day is that his neck looks nice in this

i mean obviously this had to go in - lord knows it’s fucking iconic. i have so many questions about how this situation came to be (aside from the fact that alcohol was involved. did brad initiate it? or patrice? why are they spinning? what the fuck? how the fuck? why was i not invited?) but anyway, this photo increased my thirst for a shirtless bergy photo at least two-hundredfold. at this point it’s a need not a want. i don’t think i can continue to comment on this without straying into nsfw territory so we’ll leave it at that. oh the things i would do

classic humble patrice making an appearance here, reminding us that he is not only the most handsome bastard to ever walk planet earth, but he’s a great guy too. just can’t hate him. and boy is he handsome in this gif. excellent stubble (im really invested in his facial hair if you hadn’t noticed), and the smile that could melt even my cold heart on display here. also bonus points for the previously mentioned thing about cuts/bruises. (sorry). i love this one 

in contrast to some of the prior ones, this picture is so cute that i can make nothing but pg comments about it. this is exactly the same face we all make when someone points a camera at us and says “cheese!” and i love that. the man looks good in white. good, wholesome content right here.

(gif via @weekendatbergysblog) okay the baby is cute but the fucking headband is what gets me in this. i’m able to make no further comment because this short circuits my brain.

(gif via @davidpastrnut)when i first saw this gif i had to go find the source video because i didn’t believe he actually said that but i’m here to tell you: he did. i love these hockey husbands so much. also i saw this tagged as “# hot waiter” one time and i still haven’t got over how accurate that is. someone more talented than me, i’m begging you for that fucking au 

(gif via @gaudreau) can patrice please stop looking up ??? it’s unfair that someone can look so good just looking in a direction what the fucK. he’s so stunning.

i love this one. brad pulling his hoodie down like that looks like he’s... soliciting and honestly who could blame him. bergy looks very cute, if a bit edgy in the all black. the hand is a treat in this one hooooooooooooooooo yes

this one show’s off patrice’s dark features very well. it’s amazing how he has such dark hair, dark eyes, big dark eyebrows, and dark facial hair, yet it doesn’t overcrowd or shadow his face ( except occasionally in awful lighting) ??? does anyone actually know how that works?? he’s looking very pensive here, and that hoodie looks oh-so-cosy. absolutely would cuddle.

**how cute is this y’all. **in case you thought you were just missing something, no, patrice is not sitting on a chair. he’s just maintaining that deep squat like a champ. maybe that’s the secret to his sublime thighs... the navy/deep red is an excellent look on him, and we get a rare glimpse of bergy with his wedding ring, which i find to be oddly cute. bonus points for him being beside a very cute kid too :)

(gif via @jakedebrask) this, i, ummmmm. i- uhh. just. um. yeah. so like. uhhhh... swiftly moving on

(gif via @davidpastrnut) this motherfucker and his handsome fucking face even looks good in that god-awful wooly patriots hat. honestly it looks like he’s about to go out and have a snowball fight (presumably with brad). decidedly rather domestic and i love it

(gif via @davidpastrnut) intense media patrice is intense. this is such a classic bergy face though, i love it. every time some media person asks him some big long question he puts on this exact very-invested-and-slightly-concerned face, its iconic. looking cosy in a hoodie once again. stop it. 

nice polo, dude

(gif via @davidpastrnut) that tshirt looks like its fighting for its life to contain those biceps. a dark, brooding patrice that has some sort of slow burn au stirring deep in my mind. from other angles in this interview the tattoo is fairly visible also.

this has such a strong energy it almost knocked me off my feet. again, i can see this being some sort of business or maybe criminal masterminds au. but fuck me, does that man looking something beautiful in a suit. the one hand in the pocket is quite frankly BDE too. i’m glad i’m not into dadkes or esle i think this whole picture would be too much for me.

he is literally the kind of man you’d want to bring home to your parents. i’m glad he seems to have cashed in on the navy/deep red combo because it really does suit him. he looks so fucking dapper here i may be very much in love

another excellent on-ice shot of him, albeit his slightly concerned expression. the beard is looking fucking crisp here hello sir. not much else to say on this, just a handsome, handsome boy.

(gif via @jeffsamardzija) another one that gives me Thoughts. he’s literally so beautiful. hair is cut a little shorter than usual on the sides and on anyone else it would scream fuckboy but i’m kind of digging it on bergy, at least on this one occasion. if i say anything else we’ll go down the rabbit hole

oof this is_ intense. _bergy aside, this is just an incredible shot tbh. rare that we get to see mr perfect not completely level-headed and playing it cool so it feels like a treat when we do. lowkey hot ngl

last but very certainly not least, mr patrice bergeron, four-time bergeron award winner, holding the award itself. this photo honestly just makes my heart swell a little with pride - it’s what he deserves!!!! just absolutely dapper in a beautiful suit as always, and a smile that could topple a nation to round it all off.

thank you so much for this anon!!! it was rather self-indulgent but i hope you like it :) also i will absolutely do another one with marchy, although my nails have been dry for about 2 hours now so i’ll probably do it tomorrow or friday, but it’s on its way :)

[gotatext]

claws my way out of the dirt like the goblin i am ..... hello thots, its nora, once again bringing you a revamped version of a muse i played yonks ago n some of u may have even written against... here is her pinterest.....

this is margaret greta, she’s a whole can of trauma spaghetti plastered over with a toothy grin and a lot of dad jokes. the only reason she’s in gifford really is bcos shes been put there as part of a witness protection program cos lots of police r monitoring livingstone so its deemed relatively safe.... haha... anyway she changes major all the time. she started off doing fine art but since then she’s done modules in architecture, film, bio-chemistry and is now dabbling in medicine. 

CIS-FEMALE — ever hear people say GRETA O’DRISCOLL looks a lot like DIANA SILVERS? I think SHE is about 21, so it doesn’t really work. The MEDICINE major is a SOPHOMORE that is from DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA. They can be +CHARMING, but they can also be -EVASIVE. I think GEE might be SHEEP. They are living in YATES. ( nora. 23. gmt. she/her )

this bitch is the most restless creature u ever seen. before she came to livingstone, she’d lived in 8 different cities in 3 years. 

was adopted as an infant. had two foster moms and two older sisters so always surrounded by women. lived in a boarding house, very much like the one in 20th century women, with lodgers coming in and out all the time, mostly artsy young women because her gay moms were both high school teachers trying to set up their own arts collective. one of her moms left when she was 4, n she doesn’t really remember her.

while living with entirely women made her super into catlin moran and the guilty feminist, as a teenager she often let boys walk all over her bc she just craved male attention jst bcos she’d never really experienced it. saw it as something aspirational, like sitting in the back of chad’s second-hand truck while he drove you to macdonalds and offered you and his five friends with identical haircuts weed was the height of being cool to greta, she wanted to be their dream girl, even if it meant compromising her beliefs

bubbly bitch but also massive snake. metaphorically and literally, always shedding her skin. loyal to few, ruled by none, out for herself, babey!! every place she goes, she becomes a new character, someone who’s a figment of her imagination, as if each city is repertory theatre and she’s a character actress, so as a result som ppl think she’s called rita, some ppl know her as margot, she just flicks through identities like nobodies business.

goes through phases of being intensely feminist and tweeting “men are trash i don’t need them” before flipping into being lonely and needy n wanting male attention again. tends to gravitate towards men who are just pieces of shit tbh like her friends are always like hun.... pick a nice boy..... but no.... she’ll go for the boxer with several arrest records for gbh or the small-town drug dealer just trying to hook her onto pills for a little extra cash, or the reformed sinner who thinks he’s being protective by reading all her texts and always knowing where she is..... n she always finds a way to spin it so that they Just Care About Her and aren’t a p.o.s 

left school at 18 n didn’t go to uni, moved in w her boyfriend of the time instead, but soon got bored, n then went backpacking around the states making money in the casinos by being a shot girl (yeehaw) and trying to make it as a mysterious 1920s widow with a smoky voice, a dark secret n a heart of gold, looking for love in the big city. all she found was producers and acting agents who’d promise her stardom n actually just fuck her in a motel n then ignore her calls.

TW domestic violence, TW gun, her watershed moment came when she met luke in sioux falls while she was playing bass for a country n blues band. he was a few years older and had a car, and they kind of went from seeing each other to being that super intense couple who are just necking all the time. 

they got engaged like 3 months after they met n rented a flat together, much to her family’s annoyance but she was 19 so there wasn’t much they could do. their relationship was super super intense though, often really heightened and when they fought it could become quite violent, but she’d pass it off as just him being really passionate. 

one of their fights got really heated and greta threatened him with the gun he kept in the glove box of his vauxhall corsa, but the safety was off and she accidentally shot him. she pleaded self defence in the trial n cos of the amount of times she’d been hospitalised for various concussions n things like ‘fallling down the stairs’ the police were like yea... pretty watertight evidence that he was a bastard who [chicago voice] had it coming..... also this happened in 2017, he was mixed race and greta is white so naturally the police totally took her side. she’s now under witness protection, rehoused in livingstone as a sports-scholarship student, due to the amount of police involvement in the area, it would mean should one of luke’s family members try to track her down, she’d be relatively safe

 massive sports fanatic. plays tennis. on the cheer team. was a track superstar in her high school. honestly just that sporty bitch, you’ll see her doing lines at a party at half four and then on your way to your 9am lecture you see her running across the park like a fresh fucking daisy who is this bitch

pretty easy to get along with (provided you don’t anger, provoke or question her too much) because she WANTS your character to be enthralled by her and will do whatever it takes to win them over. she wants everyone to love her

is That Girl who always knows where the parties are, and is always there, on the sofa, talking about institutionalised racism and trying to coerce you into a game of beer pong that she’ll definitely win. doesn’t really have one solid group of friends, just kind of on good terms with everyone and social butterflies about

has changed her major so many times. decision? who is she. currently studying medicine, but doesn’t rlly enjoy it. she’s very unmotivated and lazy and probably wouldn’t ahve bothered going to uni if she hadn’t been placed in one by a witness protection program. will probably change on to history or gender studies soon n just make up the extra credits by volunteering

 massive feminist. low key quite scared of powerful men bcos of her ex. wants to start a female only lesbian commune bc she misses her childhood in a south dakota boarding house and has endless support for women. honestly annoyed that she is attracted to men, would so be 100% gay if it was a choice. cuffs her jeans and can’t drive. is That bisexual. skateboards. wears backwards caps.  i hate her

plays bass guitar, has a teal green fender and it is her BABY. it’s covered in stickers about saving the planet and ending fracking and going vegan. she’s in an all-female punk band w agnes (n mayb jade i think) n they play gigs every now n then in grotty club basements full of druggy sweaty college kids

PERSONALITY: easy-going, sociable, observant, blunt, amiable, nihilistic, self-serving, laid back, independent, unmotivated, charming, lazy, impulsive, alluring. ESTP and a leo

LIKES: art, music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy,  cowboy chic culture, DC comics, arcade games, candyfloss, deep red lipstick, marijuana, dogs, karaoke, Kate Moss, late-night strolls, zip-lining, chemistry, suspenders, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, cold coffee, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, boiler house DJ sets, magnolias, decorative lamps, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

DISLIKES: bananas, coffee, Woody Allen, mental mathematics, children, Trump, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, Wes Anderson films, spoken word poetry, the general mentality of cheerleading squads (despite being on one)

aesthetics:

a bubble of pink gum on chapped lips, mom jeans, a beaten up pair of adidas, denim jackets, strawberry laces, knee-highs, chapped lips, peeling sticky plasters, split knuckles, bruises you try to cover with concealer, stick and poke tattoos, hot coffee, sleep caught in your eyes on a lazy afternoon, kissing girls, cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, leonine arch of your back and that stellar smile that says ‘you have no idea who you’re dealing with’, a rucksack permanently packed for the move, a streak of red across your lips, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your mom wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, his name scrawled in rage across the pages of a diary, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes. 

wanted plots: since greta literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships, and girls from the cheer team who she’s like, weirdly intimate with like the shower together but its not a Thing cos the other girls straight, and I want like, fellow medicine students who are like?? how is this bitch still passing?? i swear she goes out every night?? she works part time at a fast food restaurant, i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry. ppl she did a few modules with before changing course and somehow sort of remaining in touch with, like she did a few art modules, a bit of film, n some architecture before switching to medicine, though she’ll probs switch course again soon. ppl who she runs track with. someone she’s trying to make a zine with. here’s a list of plots on her old blog if u want any of them w her.

would love plots of any type, throw them all at me please, i cnt wait to interact w all of u. like this if u want me to message you about connections / plots! xo

full biography if u can be bothered

trigger warnings: drugs, domestic abuse, gun.

you never meant for it to happen. you’d heard the stories, of girls who let their man walk all over them, and thought to yourself “i’ll never be one of those girls…” the kind that eat low-fat yoghurt and drink slim fast to shred a few extra pounds because he said she was getting round in the tummy, or the ones who spent their evenings tied to a kitchen sink drinking wine while him and the boys played poker, wishing god, if only I could get out of here. not you, not you raised by strong women, four bright shining beacons. single mother with her hard-as-nails attitude and her stony glares, elder sisters (twins) one ginger, one blonde, one doctor, one lawyer, both determined to take a bullet to the brain and a hammer to the patriarchy before they let a man touch them without asking. you were always so inferior, so insecure and small, like a bird (like a sparrow) with blonde plaits down your back sucking tropicana whilst your busom buds sucked dick, their lips permanently ripe with stories of their sexual exploits, fake tan and glittered nails whilst you sat in the unbroken egg of virginity wondering what it was like to be loved. one day you found out.

lily milligan’s parents gone and a free house for the night, bottles of ouzo and tequila swiped from your mother’s liquor cabinet thinking she wouldn’t know (she always knew) your legs, hardened from pep squad, slut dropping on a kitchen table because the boys thought it would be fun to get the quiet girl drunk. you’d never had a sip before that night. band t-shirts, denim shorts and the split soles of rotten converse that you refuse to let go of, you still clutched with both hands to your youth, but in a tube top now (borrowed from alice carmichael who had a sister in college) and a short tennis skirt, your feet not in trainers but in thigh-high boots. uncomfy as hell but lily said you needed to look sexy. you didn’t know if you wanted to be sexy. you didn’t know what kind of girl you were, if you were even a girl at all. but robbie looked at you like he knew exactly who you were, like he knew you better than you knew yourself, and his lips had the pink cupid’s bow of a movie star, and his hair was dark locks, curling like a mane. his hands were soft, and suddenly on your waist, and after three more shots his lips were on yours and his name was the only sound in your head and on your lips as you lost it in lily’s college sister’s bedroom beneath the glare of a T-Pain poster. you bled for what seemed like hours, his hand still in yours, kissing on the sofa as truth tellers and dare devils continued to spin a bottle of unprecedented youth. you thought it was love. robbie was the one. he loved you, you knew it, how else could someone be so soft? but soon he grew bored, scrunched up your paper heart and set it alight. then came the tears, the hatred, the ‘fuck robbie, in fact, fuck all boys.’ and that you did.

you were known for being easy. any boy could be yours for a night, as long as he promised to love you for those few short breaths and pants before you cried yourself to sleep. you felt poisoned, but poisonous as well, as if by ensnaring these young boys you were gaining power over them, and not the other way around. soon it started to work. they’d want more, but you’d deny them it, sick of sucking off silly schoolboys, they’d call you a tease, a vixen. maybe you were, but you couldn’t help but want older men. you got the history teacher first time, him bending you over his desk to sneak a hand up your tennis skirt as the after-school clubs carried on next door, unawares. love didn’t exist, not for you. it was nothing but a game for pretty young girls to play, bubble gum in their canines and a hand tugging at the hem of their cheer skirt.

there was so much anger inside of your small body, ‘beware of boys and their hook-like words’. hockey helped. there was something formidable about the feeling of a stick like a weapon in your hands and the thwack it made against thighs in the heat of a scrum - “slipped, sorry!” - you’d utter with a snakeskin smile, millicent quinn knowing that you’d hit her on purpose because she shagged robbie at that party last week. she couldn’t prove it, cobbled acne on her forehead turning green with disgust. ben came into your life like a car crash. two years your senior, with a baseball jacket and shoulders like a god. he became your personal hero. on the pitch, he was lethal. together, you could bring anyone to their ruin. each day after last period he’d be waiting in his car. you’d leap into his arms like a girl-half starved, love me, love me, love me, your heated kisses the envy of every junior girl. he was yours for three blissful years, utterly yours, and you were his, his star-spangled girl, and he was your knight - you were both the same, playing games, always difficult to predict. it was a shock to all when he proposed, high-school sweethearts find love in south dakota.

the engagement was a bittersweet affair; three months – you barely out of your gingham print skirts and into a graduation gown, him, a surly quarterback towering above your sisters, cigarette at his lips and a scowl like a fart in a lift. they hated him. so did you. but you were eighteen and in love, and he fitted the cookie cutter mould. everyone wanted him, and you had him. you had him and you were happy, happy, happy, and he loved you. he said he’d give you the world, anything you wanted hand-picked and given to you. instead, he gave you a jack russell terrier and a flat you couldn’t swing a cat in, wallpaper peeling like the rotten bits inside of you, the bits that only he knew. and you got tireder and tireder of the sad excuse of a life he’d picked out for you, him out doing god knows what to pay the bills, and you dancing on tables to pave your way to stardom, and this was love, this was real, until the shine wore off and your fresh-faced, dimple-cheeked cheerleader facade faded and the ugliness started to reveal itself, the whining, the petulance, the sharp-tempered cruelty, the mind games, the need to always win, win, win. he was dull, he was boring, he was nothing like the boy the girls had said he was and no chiselled six pack could hide his lack of anything remotely interesting, your patience wearing thin until it snapped like rubber, a rucksack on your back, running shoes on your feet and the joint bank account emptied into your eighth grade birthday wallet.

you built your small fortunes working the casinos of sioux falls, a crimson dress and an attitude to match. bookish archie with his little dipper freckles was fun for a month, before he became just as dull and dreary as the rest. a three hour bus and you were in minneapolis, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fresh meat ready for the pickings. a hostel here, a friendly co-worker’s sofa there as you made what you could by taking off your clothes and shaking your ass like you were back in pep squad, doing what you did best. you met your fair share of creeps, and soon it was back on the road to escape a wide-eyed stalker and a restless itch for more. milwaukee, chicago, you made the roads your own. log cabins and lodgings, and the occasional motel, a beaten up pick up truck purchased at a scrap merchants – you got a few miles out of it before it bit the dust, and when you finally set it alight after nights spent lounging across the driver’s seat, a parka tucked over you as a duvet, you were sad to see it go. you’re nomadic by fault, never attaching to place, people or things, creating a new personality in every place you go like a character actress; each town is a different repertory theatre, and you’re the star. a compulsive liar, you even fib about your own name, to some you’re ellen, nineteen, bookish, a law student who likes smoking and cosmos. to someone else you’re rita, you’re twenty five and look young for your age, like smoking, comics and fucking in public places.

in the bright lights of michigan, you found charlie, sweet charlie, too good for you, though you let him spoil you while he thought you were the small town girl of his dreams. next came abigail, who was fun until the jealously kicked in, and then luke, gorgeous luke, dangerous, exciting, who despite his temper, despite the fights, despite bruises down your spine and your teeth marks on his arms, loved you with the strength of a wild fire. there was destruction in your wishbones, a savageness from the field, from the pitch and now somehow in his arms, you were godly. he was cruel, he was careless, and he refused to fall at your feet like so many other boys had, which only you made you want him all the more. you were rage incarnate. you hated him so fiercely you thought you might kill him, so he played the only card you wouldn’t predict; proposed.

the house you shared was a backstreet flat in detroit, you making your name as a downtown singer while he footed the bill with pills. they had a drug for anything these days, to dull the senses, to pick them up, to drive you to insanity or pull you out of the madness hole. the two of you lived like criminals on the run (you never told him that you were, living out your days as the enigma he wanted you to be), you with your voice like caramel and fishnet legs. you were his and his alone until his hand was at your throat and the gun was in your hands screaming at him to stop, stop, stop, until a bullet stoppered his brain, crimson staining linoleum as you cast yourself out like lucifer. self defence was decreed the moment they saw your violet neck, black tears and headlight eyes and mind screaming red, red, red like the pom-poms you shook so willingly in school and the insides of his skull. you were gone, and “you” was born, renamed “greta”, boxed, shipped-out, and next-day delivered to livingstone where under witness protection you were a student, blank slate, fresh-faced in a place where no one knew your name, doing what you always did and starting again.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #229

“goddamn, need some help, ‘cuz my girlfriend’s in love with someone else.”

What would you consider to be the worst television channel out there? Idk. I don't watch TV. Are you currently sitting on your bed or some other place? Where? I'm lying in my bed. Have you ever had anyone drop off animals at your house? What kind? No. When was the last time you were somewhere that offered free Wi-Fi? Today/technically yesterday but w/e. My school offers it free, but the connection isn't strong. Do you know anyone who is on drugs? Are you personally on them? I mean, I know people with prescriptions of course. If you mean illicit drugs, yes. I don't take them. Name one interesting fact about yourself that people might not know about? Uhhhh I used to be a dancer. Do you ever have to write down a phone number to remember it, or not? Oh yeah, I don't even have my own phone number memorized. Who was the last person you talked to on an instant messaging service? Hm. Oh, Facebook says the friend of my sister whose wedding I shot. I did it like, two or three or so years ago and she wanted to know if I had the raw photos I took, and I'd literally JUST cleaned out my OneDrive a couple days ago, so they were deleted. Talk about bad timing. What color are your curtains? Are you satisfied with this color? Maroon. Yeah. Does your phone have texting? How many times a day do you text, estimate? Yeah, and I don't have a clue. Sara and I generally text all throughout the day. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Uhhh over a year ago or something. Was the only time. It was just a bumblebee. Do you know anyone personally who had their house burn down before? Yes. Do you think the media can further manipulate our teenagers anymore? Ohhhh, I'm sure it could get even worse. Who would you consider to be your favorite American Idol on the show? I've watched so little of that show. Do you know anyone who has their septum pierced? Does it look painful? I know two, off the top of my head. And I mean, a piercing is a needle shoved into your skin. It's obviously painful to a degree. I'd imagine the septum to be more painful than a lot considering the thick cartilage. Has anyone ever complimented you on your singing? Did you believe them? Yeah, and I dunno. I don't generally like my singing voice, but I think I sing some songs okay. Do you know someone who constantly tries to embarrass you on all occasions? Omg no, I could never handle someone like that with how poorly I handle embarrassment. Has anyone ever kissed you in the rain? Did it seem romantic at the time? Yeah, and I guess, only really because it's an "accepted" thing as romantic. Something you're taught young. What is one part on your body that hurts at this moment, if anything? Nothing, at the moment. What was the last song you listened to? Did you enjoy this song? This metal medley I adore of Shadow of the Colossus pieces is on rn. What is your heritage? Do you have a bunch of mixed heritages? German, Irish, and Polish. When was the last time you listened to a genre of you music you despise? I didn't really *listen* to it, but some ass was blaring his rap music in FYS today. Have you ever tried the cinnamon challenge? NO, do NOT. That shit is noooot a joke. People have died. Do you ever countdown to anything? Not really, at least not seriously. Who was the last person to visit your house besides family? A friend of mine and Mom's, Randy. My rat Mitsu apparently fell or something, and her teeth were knocked crooked, and they became grossly overgrown and had to be clipped. He works at a wildlife rehab clinic and is overall just real experienced with animals. It was so awful though, seeing her like that. He's coming over about once a month now to keep them clipped; he's quite sure she has... damn, what was it? Metabolic bone disease (very common in rats), I think, that will push her teeth to keep growing. I can't remember exactly what he said, but. Are you allowed to watch rated R movies? I'm... nearing 24, lmao. How many bedrooms are in your house? Two. Do you see more of your mom or dad’s side of the family more? Mom's. I see both very rarely since they live states away, but yeah, Mom's. I haven't seen anyone in Dad's fam since I was a little kid. Are there any tattoos that you really want to get? lol got a few hours to talk? Do you really believe that everyone has a soul mate? Definitely not. You are compatible with sooooo many people. Do alligators scare you? I mean I wouldn't walk in front of one or anything, but as animals themselves, no. I think they're cool as fuck. Dinosaurs, man. Do you have abs? *ugly wheezing laughter* Have you ever been in detention? Twice I think, but only for too many tardies arriving at school. Do you believe in vampires? Uh no. Can you play the guitar? Not anymore. Have you ever kissed someone while they were dating someone else? Wow, no. Do you like hot dogs? Sadly. Are glasses a turn on or turn off for you? I don't care. Do you have a hot tub? Darling we poor. Would you ever try one of those dating websites? I like to pretend that one time NEVER fucking happened. I very much doubt I would again. Do you like to be tickled? Ew no don't. When’s the last time you flew a kite? Not since I was little. Do you ever take a bath and eat food at the same time? ... Does anyone do that?? Do you hate long surveys? No, I prefer them. I just do them over time. Gives me something to do... and I also don't spam where I share them. Do you like the taste of blood? UM no. Has anyone ever given you flowers? Yeah. When was the last time you swam in a lake? Wowie, I couldn't possibly guess. Who was the first friend you made in Junior High? That's a good question. Maybe Hannia? If you could learn any language, what would it be? GERMAN. I wanna be fluent. When was the last time someone asked you your age? Uhhh idk. Have you ever been on a train? No. Has anyone ever tried to physically fight you? No, but one girl literally told me she almost punched me. I used to hate her more than anyone in the world because she's Jason's ex and really hurt him, and yet now we're friends, lmao. Oh, how things can change. When was the last time you were angry? Last night because my headache wouldn't fuck off. What’s your worst subject in school? Math. I'm failing like, badly. What’s your favorite genre of music? Metal. Have you ever been called too skinny? OH MOST DEFINITELY NOT. Do you prefer analog or digital clocks? Analog clocks are way more aesthetically pleasing, but digital are more convenient. Do you have any stickers decorating your computer? Bruh I have tape, get on my fckng level. Tell me about the last nightmare you remember having. It was about seeing my grandma, who's really beginning to suffer from her chemo. What snacks do you usually get at the cinemas? Popcorn and a drink, then rarely a candy. Usually Sour Patch Kids. What scent is the deodorant you use? That's. A good question. I haven't payed attention. What did you last receive in the mail? The book Sara sent me. What is your favorite kind of fruit? Strawberries. How far away do you live from your place of birth? Like... 10-ish minutes? Have you ever been in a police car? Only when being transferred from the ER to psyche hospitals. How do you mark through your word search puzzles? I draw a line through them. Or circle them. Depends on the font and size, really. Have you ever sewn something? Idk how to sew. Name a CD you have or one you would like to have. Ha ha, the very first CD I personally bought was the "You're Awful, I Love You" album by Ludo. When I knew like, only three songs, ahaha. Have you ever watched an episode of Barney? I loved him as a kid, so, y'know. Can you name more than five U.S. presidents? Yeah, but I definitely don't know a lot. Are any of your neighbors’ yards in desperate need of a grass cutting? No. Do you still have your tonsils? Yessir. What does your mother’s wallet look like? What about your dad’s? Idk. I don't pay attention to Mom's and I very rarely see Dad. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom and one of my school advisors. And people who walked into the library. Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again? He may still want to be, idk. It doesn't matter though. Does your ex hate you? The only ex I have that I think might is Jason. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can talk to? Girt. Does anyone call you babe? Sara sometimes. Is your school’s mascot an animal? Yes. All my schools' were, lol. What would happen if you were stuck in an elevator with the person you’ve fallen the hardest for? I don't want to imagine it. Do you think that hair extensions and colored contacts make a person fake? Oh my god. Where do your hands go during kissing? I mean that. Depends. Generally just around a person's sides. Conservative or liberal? I'm such a mix. Do you have unlimited texting? Ye. Were you ever in the spelling bee? Never been a part of one. Do you dress suggestively? No. A very explicit song you’ve listened to recently? Ahaha, "Love Rhymes With Fuck You" by Jeffree Star is on right now and it is. Intense. When did you last see someone you know in public? Errrrr good question. Do you think you’d survive if zombies took over the world? Hell no. If you were to write a novel, what would it be about? The meerkat RP I've done since I was 10. My friends and I have made novels upon novels worth of stories. Are you currently pretending to be someone’s friend? No. Are you an impatient person? YEP!!!!!!!!! Are you afraid to watch movies that have sex scenes with your friends? Friends, no. It's awkward with family, though. Who sings the last song you listened to? Jeffree Star. Have you ever had a serious issue involving your eyes? No, other than being a blind mfkr. Have you ever watched South Park? Who’s your favorite character? Yes. Don't have one as I don't really care for it. Do you have sensitive teeth? Yes. Does it bother you to get shots in the mouth? Does it hurt? Nah. And I mean at the dentist they numb you, so not really. When did you last talk seriously with one of your parents? I have no clue. Does anyone ever say they miss you often? Sara. I mean we talk all the time, but she means like, physically being there. Would you rather become a wizard or a vampire, if you had the choice? Idk. I like vampires more, but a wizard sounds funner. Have you already moved out of your parents’ house? I've talked about the apartment situation enough. Are your parents divorced, married or separated? Divorced. Have you ever thought you might just have obsessive compulsive disorder? I'm diagnosed with it. Do you think it’s rude to text someone else while on a date? YEAH. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? White Chicks never fails to get me. Has one of your websites ever quit operating or shut down? Were you sad? Recently the site I used to upload large .gifs I needed to use online shut down & I'm still mega tilted. There's probably others. Who is the person you talk to the most in your house? I only live with my mom. Is there a television show out there that you never miss? No. What movie have you seen too many times to be healthy? Ha ha, The Lion King I & 2 and Finding Nemo. What is your biggest responsibility in your household? Take care of my pets. How cold did it get where you live, last winter? Idr. Very, for NC anyway. Do you ever wonder what your exes are doing? I only ever wonder about Jason. Have you ever been caught in a huge lie with your parents? Never told a biggie lie to 'em. Ever ride in a limo? When did you last do so? No. Are you sober at the time being? Yeah. Have you ever lied to someone & said they could sing when they couldn’t? Possibly? Are you more tolerant of hot or cold weather? Describe a time when you were extremely cold? Describe a time when you were extremely over-heated? I handle the cold far, FAR better. I physically cannot last very long in like, even 80 degrees. The coldest I've probably ever been was when Sara and I were walking once up at her house and it was really windy. I think the absolute most over-heated I've been was when I was taking bridal shots of my sister's friend outside in the summer for a long long time. I was nearly to the point of tears and was absolutely soaked in sweat. When we got back in the car, I literally finished at least three water bottles in a very short period of time. I think I even downed half of another. What was something weird that you did as a child? Did anyone make fun of you for it? Were there any other children you knew who did the same thing? I actually created this trend in elementary school of digging tunnels in the sandbox with my hands because I wanted to feel like a meerkat, lol. No one made fun of me, I think? And as stated it kinda became a thing, so yeah, there were others. What has been the hardest thing about growing up? What was the easiest thing about it? Was there ever a time when you wanted to stay young forever? Was there ever a time when you wished that you could be older? Accepting my mental illnesses was by far the hardest. Easiest, uh... idk. Enjoying more freedom? There was definitely a time I wanted to be a kid forever; I remember I criiiied when I got my period for the first time because I didn't feel like one anymore. Simultaneously, there were certainly times I wanted to be older. Who was the last person you yelled at? Do you often yell at this person? Are you on good terms with them again, or are you still upset with them? I practically roared at Mom for pulling the rudest shit on me like a month or so back. I definitely don't yell at her a lot. We're on good terms now, yeah. If you work, do you get along with your coworkers? Which one of them have you known the longest? Is your current place of work somewhere that you plan to stay for a long time? Sadly no, so these questions are N/A. Name three items that have much sentimental value to you. Who gave you these items, and for what occasion? Do you ever have a harder time throwing away things that people have given you? My pebble from Holly Hill, my childhood plush moose Brownie that I got in Ohio, and the stuffed meerkat Jason gave me. It's not really because of it being from him, but rather because it comforted me deeply after the break-up. The little guy is so worn from all the love I gave it. I do have a hard time getting rid of things people give me. Who do you speak with more often: your online friends, or those that you see face-to-face? Of which type of friend do you have more? Which of those friendships do you value the most? Online to all three questions. Are you often misunderstood, or do you think that people can get where you are coming from pretty well? Do you think that you have a good ability to understand others? If yes, explain? Eh, idk, really. I feel like I don't communicate how I feel well enough, but I think people understand me decently. Most, anyway. I know I'm pretty good and relating to people. When was the last time that you had a headache? What did you do, if anything, to help it feel better? Which is worse for you: headaches or stomach aches? As previously mentioned, last night. I took medicine, but it was sleep that actually helped. AND I CANNOT DEAL WITH STOMACH ACHES. Gimme a headache over that shit any day. Have you ever had a crush on someone you met online? If yes, what happened between you and that person? Do you think that online relationships are legitimate relationships? Yes, and we're dating now lol. And of course I do!! Out of all of your past friendships and romantic relationships, which one was the worst? If that person were to show up at your place, would you be willing to talk to them? Friendship: Colleen. No, I wouldn't talk to her. Romantic: Tyler, but I mean sure, I'd talk to him. Well, Jason was the traumatic one, but the *relationship*, on my end, was a fairytale. It was the breakup that was... yeah, y'all know. Yeah, I'd be willing to talk to him, but quite honestly I'd probably end up collapsing into a sobbing heap because yeah PTSD. If any, how many friends have you made in the past year? How many have you lost? Is making friends something at which you are good, or does it take you awhile to form friendships? I've made a couple friends online, and I lost none, I think anyway. I can be someone's friend very easily, but it's the trust that really takes a while. If you are 18 or older, did reaching your 18th birthday make you feel like you were an adult? If not, what moment (or moments) made you feel like you were finally maturing? I don't remember, honestly. As a kid, did your parents force you to eat everything on your plate? If you had them, how did you feel about family meal times? If you were to have children, would you have structured meals with them? Well, Mom tried, but my picky ass usually won, lol. Some days I miss family dinners, other days I'm glad to do my own thing. If I were to have kids, I'd probably want to have family dinners, really. What was the last new thing that you tried? What is something you did a long time ago that you might like to do again? I don't know. I don't try new things often. From my past... I dunno. It's too late to think of all this stuff. What is your least favorite part about going to the doctor? What about going to the dentist? Which of those people would you rather see? THE GODDAMN WAIT. My dentist is usually pretty quick, so that's not typically a problem there. Instead, I fucking hate when I have to get x-rays done because I have a very small mouth, and the things they stick in your cheeks to bite down on are always way too big for me. I have to use a size down from adults. Do you ever take care of anyone younger than you (ie. babysitting, watching a younger sibling, etc)? Do you like doing this, or does it get to be a hassle? No, and hell no.

[purplesurveys]

207

Can you remember the first survey that you ever took?  I don’t remember taking it but it’s permanently on the Internet on my old survey blog also on Tumblr. It was in 2012 and I was a completely sociopathic person back then...I can’t even do a then-and-now version of that first survey because my answers were dreadful as fuck. What did you spend the majority of the last night doing?  I took forever to answer one survey that I ended up finishing just now, and then I watched a new episode of my show. Have you ever had a particularly disturbing dream? About?  I have had a lot but the ones that’ve been most disturbing are the dreams that involve me or Gabie getting shot. There was one time last year that I had a streak of dreams, all of them about Gabie being shot different ways. Safe to say I often woke up heaving and crying and having to call her. What goes through your mind when someone threatens suicide?  I panic, honestly. I’m not necessarily the go-to person for suicide threats, being suicidal myself. It’s just going to cause me to be overwhelmed; but I will try my best to be instrumental in convincing them not to, of course. Have you ever expressed that you wanted to kill yourself?  Yes. [trigger warning] The worst of it was a few months ago when I let my closest friends know that I had everything planned out, all their questions answered, have my things designated for certain people. It had to take some pretty persistent and harsh convincing for me to finally change my mind.

Should gay marriage be legalized? What are your reasons?  As common sense dictates, yes. I doubt it will ever happen in the Philippines any time soon though as we have, for the longest time, been a Catholic, traditional, and conservative country. If the tides ever turned, it wouldn’t be for a long, long time, and with brutal opposition from the Catholic majority.

As for my reasons, I mean isn’t it simply so that everybody has equal rights in marriage? It’s more than ‘people can love who they love’–at the face of the law it’s really just so that everyone has the same opportunities when it comes to marrying the person that they’re with, deeming discrimination useless. Traditional people are a huge pain in my ass for this.

Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances?  If the baby was already in such a debilitating condition even before birth that there is no chance of them surviving childhood, yes. I don’t know about other cases and I’ll only ever know about how I would react if the situation was already right in front of me. What do you think of people who get abortions?  I can’t make a blanket statement about something like that. Let’s just say I believe it needs to stay legal and available. < Yep especially to the first part. I always just say to myself that every woman had their reasons. What was the last bug you killed?  An annoying one that kept walking all over my laptop screen last night. Do you ever argue or debate with people about your beliefs?  At the most minimal level. I don’t really like getting into arguments nowadays, plus it’s really helpful that all of my friends have homogeneous beliefs when it comes to touchy topics in the country like politics, religion, sex, etc. If yes, when was the last time?  Probably at the dinner table a couple of months ago when my dad unfortunately started defending our perverted murderous fascist of a president. When was the last time you felt turned on?  Two weeks ago... :/ Didn’t see Gab at all last week so. When was the last time you felt disgusted with someone/something?  A couple of hours ago. I was reheating my pasta when I unconsciously drooled... Do you typically finish all the food you put on your plate?  Yes. Do you continue eating even when you are full?  I do that in buffet restaurants so I could get my money’s worth. What is the most wasteful thing that you do on a regular basis? Coming from a school that was really strict about staying green and eco-friendly, I’ve always been more conscious about the things I use and how not to waste them. What is one weird eating habit that you have?  I dip everything in mayonnaise so long as there is mayonnaise available. What is something other people tease you about?  My chest. It was annoying as a teenager but I don’t mind it at all now when they brutally roast me on my lack of a chest. Does it bother you to be teased about this?  No, because to be fair the jokes they make about it are funny :(( Would you rather suffer from anorexia or bulimia?  What the actual fuck. < This is the worst question.  What is the worst question a survey could ask you?  The previous one is one of them. Do you think it’s okay for a survey to ask if you’ve been raped? Why?  It always surprises me to see it, but I guess survey takers tend to overshare anyway so maybe it’s not too far out there. < Agree. It just becomes concerning to me when it becomes a trigger to some. Would you answer such a question honestly, if faced with it?  I always have. If you are a vegetarian, do you look down on people that eat meat?  I’m not a vegetarian, but I wouldn’t look down on omnivores if I ever converted since I ate meat once too... Why do you think some vegetarians behave that way?  Dunno. Maybe because they’re overly proud and believe they’re on a whole other higher level that they were able to get over meat, something most people love to eat and live on. Kind of the same case with some straight-edge people who get very preachy about drinking, because a lot of people drink for fun and for socializing. At the end of the day I think it’s sometimes about the human tendency to think they are cool because they aren’t doing something popular haha but idk that’s just how I see it. Some vegetarians lay out respectable arguments and knowledge though; that I have no problem with. If you eat meat, what do you tend to think of vegetarians/vegans?  I have loads of respect for them for living such a lifestyle that takes lots of restraint and willpower at first. I like their dedication, especially if they are doing it for ethical reasons. I know I would have a reeeeally difficult time trying to change my entire diet, which I’m planning to do once I’m capable of sustaining myself. If you paint your nails, what color do you generally choose?  I don’t know. A nice shade of dark pink would be nice though. If you could spend a day as the opposite gender, what would you do?  Get a boner, masturbate, hahahahahahahahahaha. What are some good things about your gender?  We are generally more caring and warmer. I also like the fact that we are emotional, since it helps build relationships more. Most of the women I know are empathetic too, which I admire. What are some of the downsides?  Women love tearing women down. It has always baffled me. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to start life over?  Yes. Sounds perfect to me. What might you do differently?  The better situation would be if I lived a different life altogether, and not starting the same life over. All of the horrible things that happened in my childhood were not my doing and thus it would be pointless if I just had to relive another decade in a house that didn’t help my well-being at all. If you could spend a year living in a foreign country, which would it be?  South Korea. Why did you make this particular choice?  Just because I’m biased. And I’ve watched too many Korean programs to know how to survive there at the most basic level. What is the next big event you have planned, if any?  Not really an event and definitely not something I planned, but I’m going on a field trip to Pampanga with my art studies class this Saturday. What do you do to entertain yourself on long car rides?  A good playlist would help tons. I don’t like talking to my family so that’s useless. Occasionally I would bring my own movies to watch, but there are times that I get dizzy more easily than usual. What do you say to someone who is annoying you?  I don’t usually waste my time talking to them. How do you let someone know you don’t like them?  I don’t talk to them in the first place. If that can’t be avoided, I’m usually able to keep it civil until they do something that’d piss me off. When was the last time you felt insecure? What happened?  Last night. I don’t really want to go into detail about it. How did/do you feel about learning to drive? Who taught you?  I was scared and heavily convinced at first that I would never learn and never get past driving inside my village. My dad taught me, but eventually I got enrolled in driving school, where he paid for only three days’s worth of lessons. What do you think of people that like the Twilight series?  I think that we ought to talk about it together heh. I don’t like the crazy fans though, if they still exist these days. What do you think of using lyrics to express how you feel?  I have no problem with it. I use that on Twitter sometimes; coping becomes easier that way. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? It doesn’t matter, whatever just looks best at that time. When’s the last time you had Sunny D? I don’t know what that is. Is there anything hot pink within five feet of you? My notebook. Have you ever told someone you hated them and meant it? Nope. I said it to my siblings as a kid but obviously those weren’t meant. I’ve never said those words to someone in this age. Do you and your friends ever make up ‘code names’ for people? We did that in fifth grade for our crushes. Would you rather go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner? Dinner. Do you know how to work a barbecue? I don’t. Do you find it rude when people text when they’re talking to you? It’s the worst. I always, always put my phone away when talking with someone. What would you do if the last person you spoke to on the phone asked you to marry them? Yes, but get back to me in like eight years. What’s the longest you’ve ever been out of your state/province? A week and a few days. Do you know anyone who has written a book? Yep, my professors. Would you rather have eggs or waffles for breakfast? Waffles. I love eggs equally, but that’s what I have all the time so it’d be nice for a change. How many people could you fit (standing up) in your kitchen? It starts to get cramped by the time 20 people are there. How long would it take to walk to the nearest McDonald’s? Right now? It’s probably a 30-minute walk. Does your best friend have any pets? Yes, they both have dogs. Is there something that happened to you ages ago but seems like only yesterday? Yuh. A kid never forgets seeing their relatives in a drunken stupor every night. Where would you go if you wanted a fake ID? I don’t know any resources. I’m too honest to have my own made :// What would you do if the last person you laughed with dated your best friend? “Duuuuude. Why?” Who’s the last person you shot a dirty look to? Not a person, it was a stupid 10-wheeler. What was your second to last conversation about? Forgot. I haven’t opened my mouth to talk for a while now. Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? [continued from a few days ago] No. Mostly because of an incident when I was a kid - I drank milk from the carton once and it turned out to be spoiled. Never tried it again. Do you know anyone who broke a limb from being in a car accident? No, but they broke their nose. Have you ever burned a photo of you and a person you were angry with? OMG no, that’s super theatrical though hahaha. Would you prefer working at a grocery store or an ice cream parlor? Why? I guess an ice cream parlor. It seems more chill and I like dealing with kids anyway. The grocery is always filled with rude old people. Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Yes. Is there any ice cream in your house right now? What kind? We do have a tub of cookies and cream ice cream in the ref. What’s the best part of sleepovers? All the stories that come out of them. What’s the most comfy thing to sleep in? A blanket. Does the last person who sent you a message online wear makeup? Dunno, maybe? I don’t know her all that well yet. Would you rather have an overly cheerful cashier, or a completely silent one? Cheerful. It does wonders to my day. Do you cry at weddings? No...I was a kid for most of the weddings I’ve been to so it was just me waiting for it to be over. Still, at this age I still don’t think I would cry. Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night frequently? Yeah. I just wake up. Do you bring pillows on road trips? We already have pillows in the car so that we don’t have to take out the ones from the house.  What’s the most important thing for a road trip? For me, cellphone signal. I always want to be talking to my girlfriend when I go somewhere far away. Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? No. Do you like camping, or would you rather stay home? Camping if it’s with a bunch of people I love and only if it’s well-planned. Other than that, I would rather be home. Do you know anyone whose name is your middle name? I have never met anyone with the same maiden name. Do you think Super Bad was as funny as everyone said? I haven’t even seen it. If you wanted a hamburger right now, where would you go? Burger King just across our village. What about a new pair of shoes? There’s a place called Just Things but their prices are outrageous, so I’d rather go somewhere a little farther but is more affordable, The Playground. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? That’s only posisble if I’m too tired. Usually I’m unable to. How long would your hair be if you cut off eight inches? My hair might just reach the tip of my head then... Would you do that? I’d rather fully shave my head than have an awkward chunk sitting at its tip. Have you ever woke up with someone you didn’t know next to you? Nope. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? No. I’d never want to do anything that would piss them off...quite the contrary. I would do everything they asked me to and more. Her mom has told me she loves me. Her dad is less affectionate but clearly approves of me. Have you ever been friends with a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s siblings? I was closer to them when they were younger. They’re now teenagers so they’ve been more shy around me these days, but I love them and am always working on getting closer to them. Who’s the last person you told to shut up? Probably my sister. Do you know who Blair Waldorf is? Only because of the media and my friends. Do you own any hot pink clothes? Nope.

[haydenstudiesblog-blog]

Recently, on Facebook and Twitter “Me too” posts have become viral. It has led me to really want to post something I wrote a while back, but only my boyfriend really knows about it and I don’t want people to know. I could easily say it is fiction, but I think that would defeat the purpose, and it could make the writing come off as wrong. If you read this and don’t think that would happen, feel free to let me know, I’d love to hear your opinions.

Years ago, I went through something that I’ve never actually been able to think or talk about. It was very confusing for me. It still is confusing for me, to be quite honest.

I am a writer, and my boyfriend suggested I write down what happened. He knew I needed to talk about it, and he’s the only one I’ve been able to talk to. So when he suggested I write it down, I did. What I didn’t plan on was it actually coming out on paper the way that it did. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I do know that it might be one of the best pieces of writing I’ve ever written, if that isn’t ironic at all.

I feel safe in this community because I am, for the most part, anonymous. None of you know who I really am, and I don’t know who any of you really are. You know my name, and that’s virtually it. I feel that I can post this and be safe. 

If this speaks to you, let me know. If it doesn’t, let me know. If it inspires you to open up about something, you can do so. You can reblog and add it on, you can jump into my asks anonymously (or not, whatever you are comfortable with), you can even privately message me.

I just want to share what happened in a safe way, and you all make me feel safe.

I’ll cut the rest off so hopefully no one will read it and become triggered by it, I’ll give you the option to open it up and read on. Thank you.

“I don’t know.”

I didn’t say yes. But I didn’t say no, either. Is that consent?

He asked me if I wanted to go further, and I froze. I didn’t say anything for what felt like minutes but was probably just seconds. He stared down at me expectantly and I panicked.

“I don’t know.”

He asked me a few more times. Sometimes I didn’t answer, so he would just repeat the question. My mind and my heart were both racing. I wasn’t ready for this. When I told him I didn’t know, he would ask for a yes or no response, but I couldn’t say anything else. I just kept mumbling the same three words: “I don’t know.”

He took matters into his own hands. He slowly pulled at my waistband, and I didn’t stop him. Maybe I even moved my hips to make it easier for him to pull my pants down, to slide them down my legs and over my ankles. I heard the material of my running tights scratch against the callouses on my feet, the skin dry and cracked from being exposed to pavement when I walk back to my car after practice barefoot everyday. He pulls me so I’m sitting up and slips my shirt up over my head, tosses it on the floor with my pants. The air is cold against my skin and I wrap my arms around myself; not because of the cold but because I know he can see me, almost all of me. The room is almost pitch black but his eyes have had more time to adjust than mine, and he moves with the grace of a cat. Cats can see in the dark, you know. I feel the goosebumps on my arms and rub them slowly as I lay back down.

With soft, gentle fingers he grazes the waistband of my underwear, his eyes no longer on mine but looking down as if he’s waiting for something to happen. He pulls my underwear down, drops them on the floor with the rest of my clothes. I keep my arms crossed over my chest. He reaches up and I feel his fingers trying to find my sports bra.

“No,” I manage to say, tightening my arms.

“Come on,” he says, and he keeps trying. I shake my head and try to smile, but it feels more like a grimace.

“No, I’m good,” I say. He shrugs.

I’ve kissed him on a few other occasions, but this time it feels forced. Well, more forced than usual. In the past when I’ve been here, I’ve never truly been here mentally. I would lay on this bed and he would kiss me and my mind would go back to when I was really happy, with who I really wanted to be with. I didn’t want to be there, and I knew I shouldn’t be there, but there I was every time, going through the motions. I could always allow myself to escape the moment and think about somebody else instead, wishing I could still be with him. It’s nice until I remember he no longer wants me. And that I have to settle for this.

I never had to settle, though. I could have avoided all of this if I had just listened to everyone else. I knew he was trouble, but he was there for me when I was upset and needed someone. I could talk to him. Gradually it got worse, though, the comments he would make about me still being in love with someone else. I just never felt that way toward him, and he knew that. Maybe I deserve all of this. Maybe this is what I get for disobeying my parents, for finding solace in the arms of someone else who I didn’t even really want to be with. I would try to convince myself that I did, or that I could be the one to fix this broken, screwed up person, just so I could try to move on, but even then I knew it wasn’t right. I told myself I came to him to help me forget my heartbreak, but it helped me feel it more. So I guess I don’t really have an excuse, do I?

He kisses me and I want to cry. I want to break down and let the hot tears stream down my face and grab my clothes and run back to my car, which is parked a block away because no one can know I’m here. I try to kiss him back, though; I try to lose myself again. I try to think about the happy things. I know I don’t want this, but I don’t say yes and I don’t say no.

After what feels like seconds he gets up and walks to his bathroom. I noticed then that all of his clothes are still on, while I’m sitting there under this thick blanket that feels like it is suffocating me half naked, almost completely exposed. I pull the blanket further up, almost to my chin. His room is so cold and I can feel my body shaking, but I tell myself it’s because I’m chilly. He comes back without a shirt on but he still has pants on. He climbs under the blanket with me and kisses me some more, although kiss is a loose term. I like to think that kissing should involve both parties, but I’m not exactly participating. Kissing should be an act of love and affection, not whatever this is. I feel nothing but dread and guilt. He’s pulling his pants off now and I feel him touch me and I cringe, but he doesn’t notice. My eyes have had some more time to adjust to the dark but I don’t see anything because I refuse to look.

“Wait,” I croak. I take a deep breath and swallow some saliva, trying to get my throat some moisture. “I don’t know.” We sit there for a moment. I don’t remember what he says, or if he says anything at all. Maybe I’ve started to forget because I want to. I want to pretend this never happened, I don’t want this moment to exist, but it does. One moment we’re sitting there, and the next he’s pushing himself inside of me and my entire body tenses up.

“Relax, relax,” he keeps repeating. I can’t. He puts his hands on me and keeps repeating himself, trying to get me to relax but I can’t. I’m not even looking at him, I’m looking at the ceiling past him. This is where I really blank. I don’t remember it. I can’t. I don’t know if he says anything else. I remember his hands on me. I remember my hands gripping the sheet so hard my fingers start to ache because it hurts. The pain is unreal. Knowing what I know now, the pain feels dry and grating, and I know that is the equivalent of it being forced. And that’s exactly what it was: forced.

I want to go to my happy place; I want to escape this moment that’s lasting a lifetime. But I can’t. I can’t think about him right now, who  I really want and need to be with, while this is happening. I try, but it feels disgusting. It feels like I’m betraying him, even though he made it clear he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I want to lose myself in the memory of us, but this is too much. I can’t do it. I can’t do that to him.

It could have been seconds or minutes or hours for all I know; time stood still for me. It felt like it would never end. But eventually it did. I was relieved of the pain, sort of. Some of it still lingered. He got up and pulled his blanket around him, walking to his bathroom, leaving me there exposed. Goosebumps covered my entire body. He didn’t glance back at me once as he shut his bathroom door behind him. I scrambled to put my clothes back on before he came out. First my shirt, then my underwear. I realized they were inside out as I pulled my pants on but I didn’t bother to fix them. My fingers were shaking and I sat down on the edge of the bed. I glanced at his alarm clock on his nightstand; it had only been ten minutes since I got there. That’s it.

He came out of the bathroom and stood there for a minute, his clothes back on and the blanket in his arms. Then he looked at me.

“It broke,” he said, his voice low. I just stared at him. I must have made a sound or at least looked profoundly lost because he clarified: “The condom. It broke.” My mouth opened and closed like a fish. I didn’t know what to say. My eyes were wide and I stared at him.

“Wh-what?” He stared at me for another second and then smiled.

“Just kidding.” He laughed, coming over and sitting on his bed too, not close to me but not too far away either. I let out a small laugh that sounded more like a squeak. “Oh, god, you should’ve seen your face. Seriously, though, that hurt. You need to learn how to relax. And I think I popped your cherry.”

What the hell did that even mean? Why was I here?

I let out another squeak and reached for my car keys and my phone.

“I have to go. My mom will be home soon.” He shrugged and sprawled out on his bed. I walked to his bedroom door and glanced back at him, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was on his phone. I left the room and shut the door behind me. The actions felt robotic. I walked to his front door and left his house, walked to my car. I walked quickly, hoping no one would see me. It was still warm outside, even though it was fall. It was one of those hot days you don’t expect. I carried my shoes in my hand and walked barefoot, my dry, cracked feet scratching against the cement of the sidewalk. The leather seats of my car were hot as I sat down. My body ached everywhere.

I hadn’t said yes, but I hadn’t said no. I hadn’t objected; I hadn’t tried to push him off of me. I was the one who went to him, to his house and his bedroom and his bed. I willingly went there. I placed my hands on my steering wheel and felt the heat burn my palms. I had been there a few times before, but things had never gone this far. We had kissed, but I never let him touch me and I refused to touch him. The thought of it had just grossed me out. I hadn’t even wanted sex, it hadn’t even been on my mind. But it happened, and I didn’t object. I just let it.

Is that consent?

I don’t know.

[niigoki]

STEVEN UNIVERSE Title: Never Knows Best - Chapter 27 Rated: M Link to Ao3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7848907/chapters/21473687 Link to FF.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12115868/27/Never-Knows-Best

The night came fast. After walking around town for a bit longer and having a quick dinner, everyone returned to their respective rooms without exchanging many words. The group was pretty much divided into strangers who knew each other through other people, so conversation was reserved to mainly Amethyst, Peridot and Lapis. As soon as they bid each other goodnight, – but not before Ame’s obvious “don’t be too loud or I’ll kick your ass” joke towards the two girlfriends – they walked into their rooms.

The room was warm and cozy to compensate for the chilling air of the night outside, and Peri fell on the bed and wrapped herself up in the blanket right after Lapis closed the door. Turning around, Lapis halted at the cute sight of her girlfriend, who now looked like a burrito. “Cold much?”

“A little bit,” Peri yawned. “I’m also really tired from the trip.”

“Aww, that’s a shame…” Lapis made her way to the bed slowly. “I was really hoping to annoy Amethyst.”

“Huh?” It took a moment for Peri to get what she meant, and even after thinking a lot, she didn’t quite understand it. Her head was already usually fuzzy, but it got ten times worse when she was sleepy. Blushing, she finally asked. “Annoy her with… what?”

Lapis giggled, not fazed in the least, and lay down next to her. “She did tell us not to be loud.”

“Oh. Ohhh,” For some reason her heart shot up to the skies and Peri buried herself even more inside her blanket. “That.”

Not bearing to look at Peridot being this adorable without touching her, Lapis wrapped one arm around her tiny frame, bringing her body impossibly close and burying her nose on the crook of the girl’s neck. “I’m kidding. I know you’re tired, we should rest.”

Lapis’ whisper near her ear made Peridot melt, and she turned around to face her, untangling herself from the blanket. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be.” Lapis’ eyes were so close and they shone so brightly. “Just being here with you like this is… like a dream come true, honestly.” As soon as she said that, she blushed. “Wow, way to be a sap.”

“Hey, I’m the sap queen.” Peri murmured with a smile. “You can’t beat my sap.”

They both chuckled and stood frozen in time, staring at each other without a care in the world. For a second, everything wrong seemed to have vanished; Lapis’ anxiety regarding meeting her mother tomorrow, Peridot’s fear of the unknown, their worries and anguishes. At that moment, it was just the two of them, staring at the infinite.

“Like a galaxy…” Peri couldn’t stop herself, but Lapis was already used to the random words that left her mouth.

“Yeah?”

“Y-yeah,” Peridot swallowed, forcing herself to remember that this was Lapis, and that she didn’t mind her weirdness. “Your face. Your eyes always seem to shine and your… freckles look like the Milky Way. Sometimes I swear I can see shooting stars in them.”

Lapis’ heart was beating so fast already; there were no words that could possibly compete with the poetry that simply flowed out of the woman in her arms. So she said the first dumb thing that came to mind. “You should make a wish.”

Peridot’s memory flashed back to the first day she saw Lapis in the junkyard, where she mumbled the exact same nonsense to Amethyst. At that time, Lapis had briefly exposed her silhouette to Peri with her lighter, but she had vanished as quickly as she’d come. Peridot had called her a shooting star then, and it warmed her heart to realize that Lapis now was more than a rare beauty in the blink of an eye.

She was real, and she was there.

“You should make a wish.” Amethyst teased.

“I already did,” And then Peridot leaned forward, capturing the woman’s lips with her own. The kiss, unlike a shooting star, was long, and would last for as long as she wanted. A thousand wishes were made against those lips, and a thousand more popped up in Peri’s mind as soon as she was finished thinking about all the things she loved about Lapis. It didn’t matter what happened; Peri knew that this girl deserved a world of happiness. She swore she would try to make that a reality.

Lapis’ hands started to roam through Peri’s sides, and it was then that the bartender had an idea.

“Wait,” She broke the kiss, a little breathless. “Let’s take a shower.”

Lapis blinked, but then smiled, leaning in to give her another brief kiss. “I like this idea.”

At least this way the water would muffle the sounds.

--

“Man, that shower is a blessing!” Bismuth’s happy face came out of the bathroom and Jasper let out a snicker.

“You say that about every shower that comes with hot water.”

“Exactly! Training camp made me truly admire the little things.” Then she plopped down on the bed next to Jasper, who was flicking through the channels without paying much attention. Bismuth stared at her friend’s muscular back for a bit before speaking. “Say… how are you doing?”

Jasper finally found something decent and put the remote away. She looked down at her tattooed arm and sighed. “Scared.”

“Never thought I’d see that,” Bis smiled softly. “Big-ass Jasper, afraid.”

“My size doesn’t matter, Bis.” She pushed herself back on the bed and settled against the headboard. “It’s an emotional thing.”

“Right…” Bismuth mimicked her pose and looked down to her hands. “You know, I came all the way here to be supportive, but I still have no idea what is happening. I mean, I get that it’s a family thing, but…”

Oh. That’s right.

Jasper never told Bismuth a single thing about her past.

And she had a good reason not to, of course. Just like Lapis, she was afraid of pushing people away with her burdens, so bottling things up inside was for the best. But now that she had involved Bismuth in this whole mess, Jasper felt terrible for not even bothering to explain the basics. She was truly grateful that her best friend had decided to help her, no questions asked. It was just like Bismuth, to do something dumb for the sake of her team.

No. For the sake of Jasper.

“…I’m sorry, Bis.” Jasper looked at her with a guilty expression. “You came to help, and I did nothing but shut myself off. I’ll…” Taking a deep breath, she nodded to herself. “I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything.”

Bismuth smiled, and put a hand on Jasper’s shoulder. “I’ll be here for you, Jazz. Always.”

Jasper returned the grin. “Thanks. You should make yourself comfortable. It’s kind of a long story.”

--

“And then the guy wouldn’t stop calling me for three whole weeks! That’s when I decided to never give my phone number to anyone ever again, doesn’t matter how lovely the night was.” Amethyst finished her story as she rested against the headboard in the bed, earning a laugh from Pearl.

The TV was on, but on the lowest volume – there was nothing good on and Amethyst just liked to have some sort of sound around when she talked to potential crushes. It helped distracting both her and the person in question from awkward silences. Pearl was sitting next to her with her pajamas on after taking a shower and listened to her story with her eyes glued on the screen,

“I suppose that is a smart move.” Pearl nodded. “Although I don’t think I can flat out refuse someone when they ask for my number.”

“You just need to be polite,” Ame reached for a glass of water in the nightstand. “It’s way harder with guys than girls, though. Well, in my experience at least.”

“Oh, with men I can manage.”

The conversation, which had previously started as an ice breaker about the weather and the town, had at some point shifted to dates and past relationship experiences. Amethyst cheered internally, because this opened the opportunity to ask her boss a little bit more about her private life without it sounding weird or flirtatious. Not that Amethyst wasn’t trying to flirt.

She was just not managing to flirt correctly with Pearl for some goddamn reason.

“So I suppose you’re just interested in the ladies.” Ame tried.

“Oh, definitely.” Pearl’s answer didn’t miss a beat. “Not that I should be interested in men, either. Being a nun, and all.”

Ame snorted at this. “I’m sorry, I just— the nun thing I just so funny to me.”

“I get why.” Pearl looked up, reminiscing. “I’m really glad I didn’t go down that path. N-not that there’s anything wrong with nuns.”

“I get it,” Ame shrugged. “Just wasn’t your lifestyle.”

“Exactly.”

A quick pause followed as both of them stared at the TV in a comfortable silence, and then Amethyst spoke again.

“So… any awkward relationship story you wanna share?”

“Oh… w-well…” Pearl’s stutter was really cute. “I suppose we all have those.”

“So you do have one.” Amethyst smirked, leaning in.

“Just one,” The artist shifted on her seat. “It was so bad that no other beat it, though.”

“Damn. Um, you don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s…” Pearl looked over to her phone resting next to her leg and breathed in. “It’s alright. It was a long time ago.”

Ame felt like this conversation could really use some beers, but she didn’t know where the closest convenience store was. So she just nodded and paid attention.

“Well… this will probably sound obvious, since I’ve done nothing but talk about her, but... I more than simply admired Rose. I was genuinely in love with her.”

Oh.

Of course.

“At first I thought it was simply teenage admiration over this older woman. She was on her twenties and I was barely fifteen when she found me crying. After that day we started talking more and more, and I felt… things for the first time. I just wanted to be next to her all the time and make her laugh, you know, typical teenage behavior towards a crush. Then time went by and we were both adults, and the feeling just wouldn’t go away. It was actually stronger than ever.”

Amethyst looked back to the TV, still listening.

“Garnet knew what it was, of course. She’d been there, done that. I was just in a long period of denial.” With a small sigh, Pearl turned to her with a grin. “As you know, it didn’t really amount to anything. Rose met Greg and they fell in love, and that was that.”

Amethyst bit her lip, choosing carefully her words. “Did you… resent Greg for that?”

“Oh, absolutely!” Pearl didn’t miss a beat. “I was extremely jealous. How dare this… stranger come in between us? He didn’t know anything about Rose, and I knew everything.” Then she chuckled. “That’s what I thought at the time. Like I deserved to be the one, you know? We’d been through so much together, so why wasn’t she in love with me too? It took me a long time to realize that Rose didn’t… own me anything. She was free to fall for anyone at any time, and I had to accept that it wasn’t me. Garnet helped me see that, too.”

That really struck Amethyst, and she quietly nodded, lost in her own thoughts. Ame really cherished her freedom above anything else, and that was one of the reasons why commitment scared her to no end. She loved being able to kiss whoever she wanted and sleep with whoever she wanted, without having to give explanations or get nervous about things. She liked it simple, and she wanted to have fun.

So Pearl’s words were confusing to her at first, even though they shouldn’t be. Amethyst had never experienced true love before, so the idea of being jealous of someone because they stole the love of her life was ridiculous in her head. She always thought that if one day she fell for someone, that person had every right to not love her back, and she was okay with that. Amethyst didn’t think it would hurt that much, and she’d be able to move on easily.

But now she understood that it probably hurt a lot more than she realized.

“You know…” Amethyst said. “I never fell in love.”

“…What?”

“Yeah, weird, huh?”

“But… didn’t you say you love people?” Pearl frowned.

“I do love people. I love kissing and I love sex, and sometimes cuddling is okay. But I was never in love with anyone.” She picked the mattress, distractingly. “I forced myself to go on a blind date and try to have a girlfriend for once, to see if I could fix this part of me. That’s actually how I met Peridot.”

“Oh, you two dated?”

“Yeah, it didn’t last. But it was one of the best experiences of my life, because it got me a best friend and roommate. I can say for sure that I love Peridot more than my average friends, but I can also say that I was never in love with her. Not like Lapis, or like you and Rose.” Ame sighed. “So when people tell me love stories, I get a little lost. I mean, I understand the concept and all, but I can’t… feel it. I don’t know what that’s like.”

They stood in silence once again and stared as the TV program ended and the commercials played in a loop. Then Amethyst felt a warm, soft hand on top of hers, and flinched, looking at Pearl.

“That’s not something you need to fix,” The artist’s smile was soft and full of emotion. “Give it time, and just… do what you always do. Go with the flow.”

Ame’s heart started beating fast when she realized their proximity and for a second her eyes flickered towards her boss’ lips. “Can I be painfully honest with you right now?”

“Of course.”

“You’re really pretty and I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while,” She swallowed hard. “And I totally would have by now if you weren’t my boss, but I don’t want to get fired so I restrained myself, does that even make sense? I mean, I totally get it if you think we should keep things strictly professional between us, I just wanted to let you know that someone out there really admires your passion and your attitude and your hair – I really love your hair and tattoos, by the way, they’re on point – because you work so hard to accomplish things, which is so amazing, and I just—”

“You’re rambling.”

“Yes I am,” Amethyst caught her breath. “I swear I’m much smoother than this. You do things to me.”

Pearl’s expression was unreadable for a few seconds, then she broke into a laughing fit, bending over to touch her forehead on Amethyst’s shoulder – who laughed nervously in return. When the laughter subdued, Pearl straightened her back and looked at her with teary eyes; Ame didn’t know if they were because of happiness or something else. “You’re quite amazing yourself.”

“I am?”

“You are,” She wiped a small tear from her eye. “We’re already sharing a bed, I think we can throw ‘strictly professional’ out of the window.” Pearl’s eyes had a mischievous glint to them, but she was actually really nervous.

“I mean, when you put it like that.”

Pearl’s eyes searched for something in Amethyst that she didn’t really know what it was. “Are you sure you never fell in love?”

“Positive. Why?”

“You’re not really acting like it right now.”

“It’s a crush, that’s different.”

“So you have a crush on me?”

“I—” Ame blushed. That was the worst flirting she had ever attempted in her life. “Yes.”

Taking a deep breath, it was Pearl’s turn to blush. “So you want to kiss me?”

“Yes.”

“Right now?”

“I guess?” Ame frowned at herself. “Okay, usually there are not that many questions, so I’m kind of lost.”

Pearl giggled and bit her lower lip. She didn’t want to disappoint, but this was all so sudden that she was a bit taken aback by the whole confession. “I… could I think about it?”

Ame immediately nodded. “Of course! Don’t feel pressured, or anything. I completely understand if you don’t want to.”

Feeling relieved, Pearl nodded and yawned, the day finally taking a toll on her body.

“We should sleep. I need to mentally prepare myself for the trip back,” Ame said, already tucking herself in. Pearl agreed and turned off the TV, settling by Ame’s side. It was comforting knowing that someone was nearby, Pearl thought, and turned off the lights.

Before drifting off, Ame felt Pearl poking her shoulder, and turned around to face her. “Yeah?”

“Thank you for admiring me.”

Ame smiled, her heart doing that thing again, and she just scooted closer.

--

It was nearly 4:00am when Peridot woke up. She’d just had a nightmare about a huge witch who had gobbled her up, so her chest was pretty heavy as she huffed. When she tried to move, she felt Lapis’ arms and legs tangled around her body and calmed down considerably at the touch. Peri didn’t want to wake her up, but the darkness of the room was making her nervous, so she placed a gentle kiss on Lapis’ forehead before moving carefully away from her grasp.

Peri crouched and touched the floor looking for her shirt and shorts – which had been tossed aside before… certain activities – and finally found them on the right corner. She put them on and opened the balcony window, stepping outside for a bit of fresh air.

The moon illuminated the night sky and she leaned forward on her elbows to appreciate the view. There wasn’t much to see from the balcony of that particular room, but Peridot still smiled at the thought that she was in a different city. She took a deep breath, and even the air tasted differently somehow. Today was the day Lapis would face her worst nightmare, and Peri wondered if she should prepare an encouraging speech or something, for both Lapis and Jasper. She wanted to help somehow, but at the same time she knew that this was too complicated to work out with simple words.

A sound made her turn her head to the balcony on the left and she was surprised to see Jasper walk out of her room with a lighter and a cigarette in hands. The athlete halted when she saw her. “Oh, hey.”

“H-hi,” Peri replied. It was the first time she was alone with Lapis’ sister – adoptive sister? – and she didn’t really know what to say. So she asked the first thing in her mind. “Are you… okay?”

“Been hearing that question a lot, lately.” Jasper mumbled as she took a drag of her now lit cigarette.

“Oh, it’s j-just… it’s really late and all, so I thought…”

“I’m fine.” Jasper answered. “Are you?”

“U-um,” The whole situation was making her tense, but she forced herself to calm down; that was Lapis’ sister, someone who was going through the same things her girlfriend was. There was nothing dangerous about Jasper. She was just intimidating. “I had a nightmare, actually.”

“You had a nightmare?” Jasper almost laughed. “Out of anyone, I thought I’d hear these words coming from Lapis, honestly.”

“Oh, no, she’s sleeping well!”

Jasper hummed at the answer and brought the cigarette back to her lips. “That’s good.” She took a drag and exhaled. “Is she talking in her sleep?”

“Huh? Not really. I mean, I didn’t hear anything.”

“Gritting her teeth?”

“N-not at all.”

“Frowning, or grunting?”

Once again Peridot shook her head, negatively.

“Then she’s sleeping just fine.”

Oh, that’s right. Jasper used to share a bed with Lapis; she probably knew all of her quirks and habits. Peridot wondered if she missed that.

“Did she… have many nightmares?” Peridot ventured, wanting to know a bit more about her girlfriend.

“All the time,” Jasper looked up at the moon, reminiscing a few things. “She used to grab whatever was within reach and wouldn’t let go until morning. She’s stupidly strong, that girl.”

“She is pretty muscular…” Peridot mumbled and quickly covered her mouth. “I m-meant no disrespect by it!”

Jasper raised an eyebrow at the exaggerated reaction, and let out a heartfelt laugh. “You two are dating, you don’t need to be discreet about it.” Then she looked at the bartender from her head to her toes. “Besides, you’re wearing your pajamas inside out.”

Peri looked down and her immediate reaction was to cover herself for some reason. Jasper laughed again and took another drag. “I get why she likes you.”

“H-huh?”

“You’re genuine. I don’t really know you, but I doubt there’s a single drop of dishonesty in you.”

“W-well, I—” Peri was blushing at the awkwardness of the conversation, but Jasper seemed to be so at ease that she couldn’t help but to calm down because of it. “I can’t really lie to people. Whatever you see is the whole me. I mean, I think being honest with each other is what makes a relationship work out…”

“Yeah…” The athlete sighed. “Peridot, right?”

“Y-yes!”

“Lapis told you everything. About our past.”

“She did.”

“And you stuck around.”

“I wouldn’t leave her because of that.” Peri said with conviction. She might be nervous, but her feelings concerning Lapis were strong.

“Thank you.” Jasper finished her cigarette and Peri blinked, surprised at the words.

“You’re… thanking me?”

“I used to think I had to carry this by myself through my whole life. Lapis told some people about Malachite and all of them left after that. I couldn’t understand why she did it, but it kept happening.” She side-eyed her tattoo. “I wanted her to be happy, so I told her to keep her mouth shut about this. I never brought it up to anyone, and she shouldn’t either. But she didn’t listen, and kept getting hurt, over and over again. Until you came along.”

Peridot looked at Jasper’s blue flames and wondered why the athlete looked so disheartened by it.

“I see the way she looks at you and I’ve never seen her so… happy.” Then Jasper looked at Peridot again. “So thank you.”

Peri unconsciously analyzed Jasper, focusing on her expression and body language. The bartender had a terrible time understanding people, but was fascinated with how humans expressed themselves. If she could, she wanted to take a psychology course in the future to have a better understanding of people around her. Right now, Jasper seemed relaxed – shoulders down, sleepy expression, curved back, breathing slowly. She should’ve been terrified, afraid, scared of what tomorrow would bring, but none of that was showing – at least not that Peri could tell.

She realized that it was because she’d told her that Lapis was sleeping peacefully. That Lapis was happy dating Peridot. That Lapis wasn’t alone anymore.

As long as Lapis was fine, Jasper was fine too.

“You really love her, don’t you?” Peridot asked in a low voice.

Jasper didn’t answer for a while and stared down at the street. The silence was comforting, with a few crickets singing here and there, and the distant sound of occasional cars. “I do.”

“Have you told her that?”

“Drunkenly and in the worst possible way,” She scoffed. “She didn’t take it very well.”

Peri turned around and touched her back on the balcony, throwing her head back to look at the moon. Then she saw a shooting star and widened her eyes.

“You should make a wish.”

And so she did.

“Tell her again.”

“What?”

There was a fire in Peridot’s gaze when she turned to Jasper. “Before you talk to Malachite tomorrow, tell Lapis you love her. Truthfully.”

Jasper opened her mouth to retort, but closed it again at the intensity of the girl’s words. That shorty truly was something special. With a soft smile, Jasper turned around to walk back to her room. “Alright. Goodnight, Peridot.”

“Goodnight, Jasper.” Peri smiled back and mouthed a ‘thank you’ at the sky, before going back inside too.

[downtowns-universe]

52 stories #28

A story about a heatwave

Characters: Jack, Dai

Words: 2295

It was one of those days where the air felt thick and heavy, and whenever you set a foot out the door it would feel like getting hit in the face. Breathing was a challenge; getting anything done next to impossible. No one dared to venture outside, only if absolutely necessary. Even those kids who’d been having a big water fight earlier had disappeared. The road had something surreal over it, being completely deserted and vibrating from the heat rising from it. Jack was sure that if he were to step on it, the asphalt would stick to his shoes. But he wasn’t planning on putting it to the test. It was warm enough inside of his house already.

He wished he’d taken those classes he’d seen advertised Downtown some time ago. One of them had been centred around the cold, so about creating ice and cooling the air around you. It sure sounded like something he could use right about now. The only elemental magic he could manage now was creating fire, perhaps not a very good idea at the moment.

He got up from his chair to pour himself another glass of water and looked out of the window while drinking it. The grass outside had gone brown, and the plants in his garden looked very thirsty. He’d been trying to water them at first, but he’d given up by now. It was only a waste of water anyway. He wasn’t much of a gardener, everything in his garden had been put there by the previous occupants of the house. At the moment, the sorry state of it didn’t really stand out as much, since the entire street looked quite miserable. Not that he cared about what the neighbours thought, he didn’t even know most of them. He didn’t really feel like being close with them either, his life was too complicated for that. And he wouldn’t stay here for long anyway.

He just wanted to get back to work when he noticed someone walking down the street. Jack was about to declare him mad for wearing a three-piece suit in this weather – not even with the jacket taken off – when he realised he knew this person. And if he was here, he’d probably be heading towards him. Jack just didn’t have a clue why.

Dai didn’t seem to be bothered by the heat at all as he approached, casually looking at his phone. Since he was on the sidewalk, Jack still couldn’t tell whether the asphalt was sticky, but perhaps it was, and he was just trying to keep his shoes clean – Jack wasn’t sure why this bit of information was so important to him all of a sudden. In front of his house, Dai looked up from his phone, checking the number – had he ever been here before? Jack wasn’t sure. If he had, he’d probably arrived through the portal leading to Seb’s house, not via the road. What was he doing here anyway?

Jack hurried to get to the door, but Dai had already let himself in. Jack realised none of his shields had warned him about his arrival, but it didn’t really surprise him.

“Uh, hey,” he stuttered.

Dai grinned, amused by his confusion.

“Hey.”

“What, uh, are you doing here?”

“That’s no way to greet a guest.”

“Guests usually knock instead of letting themselves in.”

“Still no way to greet your superior,” he shrugged, and pushed past Jack, who couldn’t tell whether he was being serious or not.

“Come in, I guess.”

Jack followed his boss to the living room.

“Coffee?”

“That’s more like it,” Dai said while picking a spot on the couch.

“…I’m going to take that as a yes.”

Jack made his way over to the kitchen, in the meantime trying very hard to figure out what Dai was doing here. It must be business-related somehow . He didn’t do personal visits. At least not with Jack. They weren’t exactly friends, Jack just happened to be there while Dai visited his friends.

When he returned with two cups of coffee – Jack didn’t really feel like drinking his with this heat, but took one anyway – Dai had picked up his phone again. Jack wouldn’t be surprised if he wouldn’t put it down again for the rest of the time he was going to be here – however long that would be.

“Thanks,” he said when Jack put the cups down, without looking up.

Jack didn’t say anything and let him work. He didn’t look very happy with what he was reading, and angrily typed his reply. A while later he put his phone away, sighing.

“Everything alright?” Jack carefully asked.

“Just some incompetent people,” Dai sighed, taking a sip of his coffee. “Apparently even with these phones and things, communicating is still very hard.”

“Tell me about it,” Jack sighed in return. “I mean… not like, actually tell me about it, of course. None of my business. More like “I agree”, not like “I want to know”. Unless you… want… to… tell me about it? …I’m going to shut up now.”

Dai raised an eyebrow.

“Ugh,” Jack grunted while falling back on the couch. “It’s way too hot to do anything, including talking.”

“You call this hot?” Dai sounded amused.

“Yes.”

“There’s regions Downtown where temperatures like these are considered chilly.”

“Well, remind me not to move there.”

“I wouldn’t advise humans to live there at all. Dangerous place.”

“Great.”

Dai put his cup back on the table.

“But to get to the point: I wanted you to figure something out for me.”

“More DCIO stuff?”

“Actually, it’s just about investing some money. You’ve had some great suggestions before.”

“Oh.” Jack sat up again. “I could try. Not sure how much use I’ll be at the moment, though.”

“Because of the heat?” Dai asked, and immediately the temperature inside the room dropped a couple of degrees.

“That too – and please teach me how to do that – but my head isn’t exactly cooperating lately. I mean even less than usual.”

“Any particular reason for that?”

“Maybe. It can’t seem to focus on things that matter.”

“Then what is on your mind?”

“You know… things,” Jack said. He certainly wasn’t going to tell Dai about the weird shit it kept coming up with.

“Uh-huh.”

Dai just sat there looking at him.

“And you’re sure these are things that don’t matter? In my experience things that keep resurfacing are in fact important and need to be dealt with.”

“I, uh… I’m sure there’s more important things than this,” Jack said, trying to evade the subject. “What about those investments?”

Dai kept looking.

“Is this about Chris?” he asked, tilting his head.

“No,” Jack said, a little too loudly. “I mean, I’m worried about him but he’ll be fine. He can handle himself while hunting.”

He got up, wiping his sweaty palms on his shorts.

“Do you want more coffee? I want more coffee.”

He took the mugs and disappeared to the kitchen.

He didn’t want more coffee, in fact he hadn’t even finished his, but he just needed a moment to gather his thoughts and take a breath. He paced around in front of the window, trying to calm down his brain, that had started to run wild again because of Dai’s probing. He wouldn’t be of any use to him like this. He could feel a headache coming up while he refilled the coffee cups with shaking hands. Great. Now his mind and his body were conspiring against him. This really needed to stop. Dai said these things needed to be dealt with to get them out of his system – easier said than done, especially by someone not experiencing it. At the same time he realised Dai might be more experienced than anyone he knew. Jack didn’t think he’d bother to help or offer advice in any way, but perhaps just putting it out there would be enough for now. Having someone know. It wasn’t really keeping a secret that bothered him; he was already keeping so many, and basically lied about half of his life these days. But at least he had people to share in those secrets. With this he had to deal all alone.

He returned to the living room and put the cups on the table. Dai had gone back to looking at his phone and didn’t even look up. Jack had never seen someone put so much aggression into typing a message. Someone must have fucked up really badly. Perhaps now wasn’t the right time…

Right at that moment Dai stopped typing and put his phone away, and with it his annoyance, it seemed.

“Calmed down a little?” he grinned at Jack, who was still standing there.

Of course he’d seen straight through his sorry excuse. He rambled too much when he was nervous. Besides, getting coffee didn’t take that long.

“Uh, yeah,” he said while sitting down again.

Dai didn’t say anything, but waited.

“So, you were right,” Jack started. “This is about Chris.”

He took a deep breath, pressing his fingers to his temples while looking at the floor.

“I’m terribly in love with him.”

If he’d expected a surprised reaction, it stayed out. In fact, there wasn’t much of a reaction at all. Dai just sat there, sipping his coffee.

“That much is obvious,” he eventually said.

“It is!?”

“It’s pretty clear,” Dai confirmed.

“Oh.”

Jack wasn’t sure what to say to that. Had it been obvious to others too? Had people been speculating? What about Chris himself? – he almost dropped his coffee when this occurred to him.

“So, what’s the issue with your head? Can’t stop thinking about him?” Dai grinned.

“Something like that. Only there’s more facts involved. Some are… quite graphic.”

“Do tell me more.”

“No.”

“Alright. You do realise that the best way to get your head back in the game would be to tell him, right?”

“I know,” Jack sighed and dropped back onto the pillows.

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because I’m not sure.”

“Not sure if you like him?”

Dai raised an eyebrow.

“Now I understand why your head keeps harassing you…”

“No, no, that’s not it,” Jack sighed.

He searched for the right way to put it into words.

“I don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.”

Dai waited for him to explain again. A great tactic of getting people to talk; no one likes awkward silences.

“I’ve never been attracted to a guy before.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not now.”

“I know, I know. It’s just…”

Jack picked up his phone, even though he had no messages, just to have something to hold.

“In school, I used to have a crush on Chris when he was… before he transitioned. Then he did, and I got over it. Eventually. And now it’s back and I can’t help but wonder if it’s all because some part of me won’t acknowledge him somehow.”

“You’re overthinking this,” Dai said bluntly, then continued in a softer tone. “You already know the answer, and your head knows it too, that’s why it’s bothering you. Magic is very sensitive, and often influenced by the way you feel.”

“So what do I do?”

“Like I said: tell him.”

Dai had picked up his phone again and started scrolling.

“I don’t even know if it’s mutual!” Jack protested. “He probably thinks I’m straight. Hell, I think I’m straight!”

“He did take you to a gay bar.”

“So? That doesn’t mean anything. And how do you know about that anyway?”

“Facebook.”

Dai pointed at his phone.

“Oh my god. I can’t believe you Facebook-stalk us.”

“I didn’t recruit Chris,” Dai shrugged. “I gotta keep track of him somehow.”

“Sure you do…”

Dai’s phone had started buzzing more frequently over the past couple of minutes, and Jack noticed it too now.

“Look, just give me those files and I’ll see what I can do,” he said, holding out his hand.

“First you gotta fix this mess.”

“I’m feeling a lot better already. Getting it out really helped.”

“…You still gotta tell him.”

“I know,” Jack sighed. “And I will. Some time.”

“…Sure.”

Dai handed him the papers.

“I assume you know what to do with these. I really should be going to my appointment now. Still have to get to Amsterdam.”

“So that’s why you’re here. I knew you wouldn’t come all this way just to visit me.”

“I’m here, aren’t I? I could be having coffee at a canal right now.”

“You could still do that afterwards.”

Dai laughed.

“You don’t know how full my schedule is, kid.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“When you stop acting like one, maybe.”

He got up from the couch, straightened his jacket and moved towards the door. Jack hurried to follow him, but it seemed like Dai was letting himself out. In front of the door, he turned around.

“I hope you figure this thing out.”

“Yeah, uh, thanks for listening. I appreciate it.”

Dai grinned and opened the door.

“And you’d better figure it out fast, because I need that money!”

Jack watched him as he walked down the street and disappeared around the corner. He didn’t even notice the wave of heat hitting him in the face from standing in the open doorway; he’d already been feeling very warm, as if the temperature inside had risen as well. He quickly closed the door again to keep it from warming up even further.

Inside, he dropped onto the couch again, his head a little calmer, but confused, his body hot and sticky. Perhaps it was time for a shower. For the moment he didn’t care about wasting water; he needed to get everything up there back into order.

And after that? Perhaps he should call him.