#is there a word for enby phobia or

[growing-past-me]

Oh you think you’re oppressed liberal? Try saying you think both transmisogny and transandrophobia are real and aren’t diametrically opposed and see how the tolerant left treats you.

[berzerker-nerd]

This is kind of a touchy subject but I'd like to get my thoughts on it out there and I'm going to try to do it like I think Beau of the 5th column on YouTube would.

So today we're going to talk about the LGBT+ Community, the lgb alliance, my perspective as an outsider looking in, and why I say the queer community

First of all I am an outsider looking in. I am a cis/straight person (as I have said in other posts) but I want to be an ally to those that fall under the umbrella term queer. Now I know that some hate the term queer because it has been (and still is in some homophobic/transphobic groups) used as a slur. I understand not liking the term on those grounds. The main use of the term nowadays though including within the LGBT+ community is as a blanket term for anyone in that community including; enbys, people who are asexual or aromantic and so on and thats how I use it. To me it brings a sense of togetherness which to me is what a community should be: people coming together and sticking up for one another. Making it an acronym makes sections, and sections can be removed. Which brings us to the LGB alliance and the drop the T movement which is exactly what it sounds like. Some lesbians, gays, and bisexuals want to distance themselves from trans people, enbys, and other gender nonconforming people as well as aces and aros. In other words, removing sections. I've been hearing a lot of LGB people saying the same things about trans and nonbinary people that homophobic groups have been saying about them for years. Which in the current political climate especially here in the US which reads as "Hey we'll let you go after these people. We'll even help you do it, as long as you don't come after us." At least thats how it reads from my perspective. I can guarantee that the people who hate the LGBT+ community won't stop hating the community as a whole just because the LGB drops the T. Trust me ive met enough of those people to know. Ive also been hearing about bi phobia within the queer community at large which to me reads as the classic "one or the other pick a side!" thing that straight people have said to bisexual people for years as well as people saying that asexual and aromantic people aren't a thing which doesn't make sense to because if there are people who feel sexual or romantic attraction to the opposite sex/gender or to the same sex/gender then logically there have to be some that don't feel sexual or romantic attraction to any sex/gender.

I'll end with this: if you're part of a large community with smaller sections throwing one or more of the smaller sections under the bus isn't going to stop the bus from running the rest of you over. It might not even slow it down.

Its something to think about.

[kokichis-hairdye]

Someone please send a request- I'm bored and feel like writing things-

What I'll write:

Smut

Fluff

Ftm reader (or enby/other reader)

Harsh topics (obviously for comfort only), so self harm, räpe, SA, abuse, etc

Reader who has specific trigger words

Most kinks (except scat/piss kinks)

Sick readers (mentions of vomit might be there, just a heads up)

Reader who has a specific phobia

Specific ultimate talent reader

Reader with a specific mental illness (please please be specific if you want anything to be focused on, like if the reader is autistic, be specific if you want any like, stims or something added!! <3)

[entity9silvergen]

I posted a meme awhile back in support of xenogender identities and so many people within the lgbt community 1) did not know what they were and 2) learned what they were and immediately started spouting hateful rhetoric. I know a lot of people aren’t a fan of xenogenders but I am surprised how many people within the lgbt community outright refuse to listen or be open minded to people breaking the traditional understanding of gender in this way. I’m not xenogender and I must admit I thought they sounded ridiculous years ago but I did research and got educated. It makes so much sense to describe gender using language outside the traditional words we use and it’s really amazing that our understanding of gender can go so far beyond the little boxes smooth brain society made. I think finding the freedom to leave behind the system we typically use to describe gender and explore the rest of the spectrum is really powerful. People who refuse to even consider looking at gender in this way seem so limited.

When people began arguing that it’s not gender if it doesn’t fit into traditionally gendered language, I told them to try to describe their gender without using that language. Try it. Describe, write, or draw your gender without using words like man, woman, non-binary, masculine, feminine, neutral, or the things typically associated with them. Think about how you experience gender and sensations. Picture aesthetics, parts of nature, animals, colors, and feelings. Imagine space, the spiritual aspects, and the intangible. Try to put the way you experience gender into words and consider whatever outside influences may affect it. It’s really hard, right? But not impossible.

You may feel confused since you’re unfamiliar with this. It may not feel like it fits perfectly but chances are it’s because you’re not xenogender. Your gender is on a part of the spectrum that is easy for you to understand and leaving it may feel wrong or unusual. But whatever you came up with is still you. Just like how the gender(s) that trans, non-binary, and xenogender people have is still them. In xenogender people’s cases, this may be the only way they can describe their gender or they feel the need to supplement their gender in this way. There could be endless reasons but they don’t need a reason and they don’t owe you an explanation. 

Xenogender people are xenogender because that is their gender. They use the labels that feel right and are just trying to live as themselves. If you are part of the lgbt community or another minority group that faces similar forms of erasure and discrimination, you should be able to understand what it feels like when people tell you not to be yourself or don’t understand your identity even though it makes sense to you. The same thing applies to xenogender people. Their identities make sense to them and that’s what matters. It’s their identity, not yours, and it’s not hard to simply respect it.

If you have a hard time understanding xenogenders, do your research and listen to xenogender people. Xenogender people, feel free to add to this post or correct me if anything I said was untrue or inaccurate.

[autismserenity]

i am officially over all the awkward phrases that attempt to include anyone who is marginalized on the basis of gender

For instance: Mills College, Spelman College, St Elizabeth's University, Scripps, Agnes Scott, Wellesley, etc, aren't "Historically Women's Colleges."

Mills didn't "start admitting trans women" in 2013. It started officially stating that it would admit trans women regardless of what their legal docs said. It was admitting trans women at least as far back as 1980.

It didn't "start admitting nonbinary students" (or what our absolute trash corrupt president inexplicably calls "gender-nonbinary people") in 2013. It admitted me in 1996. I came out in the student newspaper in 1997. I started a club, and found out there were a lot of other genderqueers already there. And we certainly weren't the first ones.

So here is my offering to you:

[a graphic stating that "gender-marginalized people are GEMS," in which the G E from gender, and M from marginalized, are capitalized to illustrate the meaning of the term]

It's a women's college. It's exactly what women's colleges have ALWAYS been.

It's a nonbinary college. It's certainly closer to being an enby college than any other kind of school is likely to be. It's flat-out common to be nonbinary here.

It's a trans college. It has had out transfem professors for 30 years. It has admitted trans men for at least that long. (Unintentionally. But that's true of almost all of this.)

But we need a word for this stuff.

Because when I see things like women's improv festivals using "Fem" instead, to be "inclusive" of enbies... or "womxn," which comes off as "women, and those of you who we think are close enough"... or all the times that orgs say "women and enbies," but in practice, are welcoming to transmascs and not to transfems.... or just how hard it is for people to do outreach because they can't quickly state who an org is for... it makes me just a little stress-barfy.

Gems, like everything else about gender, is an umbrella term. It includes intersex people of all genders, trans people of all genders, gender-nonconforming people who don't identify as trans or intersex, and cis women.

In other words, all the people originally included under the trans+ umbrella, and cis women.

anyone who doesn't like that definition can lump it. anyone who is confused by that definition can start by reading les feinberg's assorted trans nonfiction books.

Examples: "Oh! I guess I don't really know many cis men. I went to a gems' college."

"I don't know, should we open this group to all gems? I feel like we need to clarify who's welcome here, and do more outreach."

"You know that you won't necessarily read all gems as women, right? Wait -- you know that the way you read someone doesn't tell you what their gender is, right?!"

Is it a little on the glittery-femmey side of things? Yes, and I'm sorry.

On the other hand, butches of all genders, how many times have you been described as "a diamond in the rough?"

This term owes a debt to "MaGes," for MArginalized GEnderS, which I saw suggested many years ago but which never caught on. I can't find the post anymore, but I suspect it was proposed by someone at the Black Feminist Project, because people/orgs within its sphere seem to be the only ones using the term.

As the House of Liberosis explains, "Gender marginalization includes but not limited to misogyny, transphobia, intersex-phobia, transmisogny, misogynoir, transmisogynoir, or any combination thereof. The only gender not marginalized (for that factor itself) is [non-intersex] cisgender men."

If you want to define it as "trans people plus cis women," you can apply for a special Disclaimer License that explains what it really means. Or link back to this post.

also, if you were thinking "shit how the fuck do i go to a school like that" P L E E E A S E sign this petition telling Congress to investigate the shady deal that gives Mills and all its assets to Northeastern University. this is so clearly a cover-up for embezzlement and i Cannot

[bottlecaprabbitgames]

Ok, So as a straight cis woman and most importantly a Big fan of both your games. What you said about your games aimed at the LGBTQ community made me feel like a cast out and that I'm not taken into consideration. I would also like to mention that I understand the "cal scene" I mean even we get rejected YK. I would understand your point if you are only including ONLY LGBTQ content, characters and MC in your stories but the fact that in both games we can play as straight wouldn't that mean that it includes\aimed at us too. you have fans from every gender and sexuality, you don't have to "undervalue" a section I think as an author you should be more objective. You don't have to reply I just wanted to make a point and I still think that your games and storylines are cool and will continue playing as long as I don't feel discriminated or outcasted in the game.💞💖

Okay, I honestly couldn't tell if this was being serious or not and I don't say that to be mean or rude or anything like that, I'm just... I'm not really sure how to process everything going on in this... ask.

When I say "aimed at", I'm meaning "written with them in mind". I mean, c'mon, I'm a genderqueer person who has a general preference for women and other enbys with some vague interest in men, alongside being on the aroace spectrum. It's... it's really hard to not have the lgbt+ community in mind when I'm writing, madam.

Also the Cal scene thing I said was a joke, a lot of y'all in our inbox are also acting odd about it, I'm not sure why 💀

That's not at all true; there's plenty of CoGs/HGs that include LGBT+ options, but those games are not aimed at the community in any way; a game being aimed at a community will give more choices for that specific community especially if that community is as diverse as the LGBT+ one is.

Yes, I understand I have fans from many different backgrounds and I don't undervalue any fans at all, what I am saying is that while I do write to include cis straight persons, my games will generally be in mind for lgbt+ persons, from pronoun picking to gender to being ace, and having those things incorporated somehow in the game. I've been on my soapbox about some stuff on here before, like the gross misrepresentation of ace people in most games, and god dont get me started on the horrible shit I've seen said on the forums about people using they/them and the blatant phobias of most lgbt+ identities on there. Why shouldn't my community have a safe haven of writers who actually genuinely care about them and their representation when one of our biggest writers from the forums turned out to be so shitty a person? It's not fair, in any form or way, given that is not a worry for specifically the cis straight community (not talkin about my trans straight folks nor my cis gays).

Also, I don't write discrimination on sexuality nor gender, but please, as a cis straight woman, do not bring up discrimination to me. Cis straight people do not get gender nor sexuality discrimination; I have never, ever heard of someone being shunned by their family or being fired from their job, nor being made to feel like their lives matter less than those around them for being cis and straight. Most of my own family thinks my mom "didn't do her job" and they only know I prefer women, and Faye's family blame me for them being who they are and made sure I knew it, as well as telling Faye it's a phase or I'm "influencing" them. So, please. Really, really think before using the word "discrimination" when dealing with gender and sexuality.

Again, not trying to be rude or mean, but... what?

[minxyone93]

Tw// transphobia, TERF, rant, enby-phobia

FUCK

TERFS

Honestly could use some enby affirming shit right now. I made a meme about feeling gender affirmed by my body hair (instead of just regular affirmed) and some TERFs have decided to let me know that I am a horrible traitor and misogynist. The last one that came around had a horrifying pinned post about how trans murder rates were actually not that bad... because they were actually just gay people in denial?

Anyway, some kind words of validation would be much appreciated friends. I use she/they pronouns and I hope that TERFs realize that trans and GNC people are still able to be feminist, and honestly we're better at it then them anyway.

[nicostolemybones]

Please share some of your favorite head canons

This is a question I have been dying to be asked for so so long now! I don't always use every one of these headcanons in my fics, bc I like to explore different possibilities and ideas, but these are headcanons that I have anyways! Imma categorise them, this might get long:

Lgbtq+

Trans Will Clarisse and Annabeth

Bi Percy Annabeth Jason Clarisse and Will

Pansexual, genderqueer Piper

Oriented aroace lesbian Reyna

Lesbian Thalia

Oriented aroace gay Leo Valdez

Gay asexual Nico

Angst

Nico being triggered by pink triangles (like imagine him at some party and there's pink bunting and he just starts panicking and having flashbacks, or seeing them on a notebook pattern, and most people don't understand why he has such an 'obscure' trigger

Will who suffers from compassion fatigue and existential meltdowns and who believes he has blood on his hands

Leo with a lung disease from all the smoke and chemicals and dust he works with (I know a fair bit about lung issues due to family having them)

Nico's trauma actually having an impact on him in general (I refuse to believe his trauma stopped manifesting when he got a boyfriend), like the insomnia and flashbacks and fading and the whispering shadows and phobia of the dark

Will being an all year round camper because either his mom is homophobic or neglectful, or he doesn't feel safe in the area he grew up in

Jason who is constantly afraid of his own strength and of becoming a weapon, or worse, being just like his father

Reyna who worries that she's unapproachable and unloveable because she has so many barriers up

Percy who slowly becomes so scared of water and of drowning that he's afraid to use his powers in case he hurts someone, and who struggles to shower sometimes because some days he's too scared he'll drown

Piper who is so scared of losing who she is that she has to ask her friends to tell her things about herself sometimes. She writes it all down on post it notes so she doesn't forget who she is

Piper who, after her claiming, constantly feels like she's too curvy, too pretty, looks to grown up, who doesn't feel comfortable to wear certain clothes she likes in case their too tight, because she's absolutely terrified of being sexualised she's just a teen

Hazel who develops the Midas touch, perhaps a curse, who can't even hug her own brother lest he turn to gold. She's terrified that she'll wake up one day and she'll truly have a heart of gold

Frank who struggles with body dysmorphia. Frank who used to be perfectly okay with his chubbiness until his transformation, Frank who doesn't understand what was wrong with his body, Frank who sees himself as a muscled freak, Frank who, when he starts to gain weight again, is terrified that he won't be good enough for anyone else. Frank who shapeshifts because it's harder to feel bad about a body that isn't even human.

Annabeth who is so scared of losing her intelligence that she revises way past her limitations. Annabeth who gets addicted to energy drinks and studying because not only does sleep give her nightmares, but she's terrified of not waking up, or waking up and forgetting. Annabeth with superstitious rituals to stave off dementia. Annabeth who can recite the periodic table backwards and can multiply triple digit numbers in her head because she's overworking herself because she's scared that if she stops she will forget

Thaila who gets such bad nightmares she sleep floats and wakes up terrified because she's so high up so she bolts down all her windows out of the fear she'll fly away and fall to her death

Fluff and miscellany

Nico and Hazel swing dancing to records played on a gramophone

Will teaching Nico to read and sharing music with him

Nico playing clarinet or violin and drawing

Will cannot sing but he tries dammit

Percy who rescues baby seals and turtles and volunteers at the local conservation centre and adopts a tiny baby shark that turns out to be not so tiny that he puts in the lake

Annabeth who loves kids and becomes a teacher and a writer, writing dyslexia-friendly books

Will who teaches at camp but the learning style is completely individualised

There's a big box of stim toys in the infirmary

Jason who rediscovers how to have fun, who picks up so many hobbies and interests he can't count and damn it's fun to not be a soldier and just be a kid

Knitting club

Autistic Solangelo

Multilingual campers teaching each other their native languages

Workshops at camp to help campers reconnect with their culture (Piper's idea)

Reyna and Thalia being the lesbian aunts of camp, who everybody thinks are cool af. Thalia being an edgy butch punk and Reyna being a badass femme with a sword

Clarisse who goes to bars just to spot creeps and keep people safe (nobody argues with her)

Hazel and Nico playing mythomagic and being close siblings

Nico who slips into Italian when excited, who forgets words in English and just uses the Italian word, who sometimes gets the grammar wrong, and nobody makes him feel bad about it

Nico who can cook because his mama taught him, and Will who once managed to melt a plastic plate on the hob, tried to make toast and caused a fire, and once ate a tub of slime because he was hungry

Nico sewing

Will knitting

Piper running body confidence and fashion workshops, but rather than just instagram make up and branded clothes, she also encourages campers to wear whatever the hell they want. Jumper with 100 patches on it? Valid. Boys in skirts? Valid. Girls in suits? Valid. Enbies experimenting with gender presentation? Valid. Wanna look like a feral forest dwelling cryptid? Valid. Want to look like a princess at a ball? Valid.

Will and Piper and Clarisse as friends who run an adventurecore blog and go hiking and cause general chaos together

Nico and Leo being close friends who make edgy jokes and talk about their moms and talk to each other in a weird mix of Spanish and Italian from what they've taught each other.

Frank who runs self defence classes and offers to pretend to be people's boyfriend to help them escape creeps. He doesn't care if he has to pretend to be gay, or if he has to pretend to be a girl, he'll do anything to protect people from creeps.

Will has a pet chicken

Nico hisses at people

Everybody respects that Nico is touch averse

Clarisse and Drew, who used to be bullies, who have genuinely changed and genuinely do good. They help people to recognise patterns of bullying in both themselves and others, they talk to the bullies and help them to reform, they help people to realise that bullying can be traumatic and you don't have to forgive a bully. Clarisse and Drew who open a Safe Space corner

[zenzilihasmoved]

totally! i mean, obvs there are the genders and sexualities most people are aware of (trans,male, female and gay, straight, bi) but there are a lot more? (enby, genderfluid, etc and pan,ace,etc) and my family aren’t all that ‘sold/convinced by’ the ‘newer’ sexualities/genders .

oh ok! well here’s my thoughts on what you talked about just now.

so for one thing, “trans” isn’t really a gender in and of itself - i wouldn’t even describe it as a modifier. its like a prefix- “trans man” “trans woman” or, something like “binary trans” etc. moreover, nonbinary(enby/nb), genderfluid, etc are all trans- as in, they do not wholly identify as their assigned gender. “nonbinary”, “genderfluid” etc can also be used as prefixes, “nonbinary woman” etc. obviously i am pro-trans of all kinds considering i am nonbinary lol. most of this paragraph is just me nitpicking on the language you used in your ask so im sorry about that but i think its kind of important (sweating emoji)

on the topic of sexualities, i have no real idea. i’ve seen both sides of the asexual discourse and i gotta say i don’t really have much of an opinion. perhaps that’s just from a lack of knowledge. i think there’s a difference between the way asexual people move through the world vs. how sga people do, but i don’t think that really means they arent lgbt(+??) inherently. but also i dont really think it necessarily means they ARE lgbt(+) inherently either. like i said i do not really have an opinion. however i can say - most use of pansexual as a word comes from a misunderstanding of its predecessor, bisexual. bisexuals are and always have been attracted to all genders! even though “bi” means two- there’s lots of other things like that in the english language after all, and words develop new meanings over time. bi came before pan, the record shows, and means the same thing, so i’m not really sure why people choose to call themselves pan as opposed to bi. i think we should care more about history. i think that the criticism of pansexual as a word to describe a sexuality is valid! especially adding on that internalized biphobia makes it far easier to call yourself by a new word, than an old one with its connotations (ie. the history of the fear of bisexual men as sti-ridden, which is an internalized phobia in and of itself or of bi people in general as cheating and sex obsessed)

something else: it seems to me that a lot of people simplify it a lot more than they should, for instance, “if you want to identify as (x), identify as it!” seems harmless at first . but adding into it the entirety of society, internalized transphobia, homophobia, biphobia, a society that has taught us to hate ourselves (becoming only more complex with the addition of being poor, disabled, neurodivergent, a person of color, etcetera) i think we really need to work harder to see it as really complex, and a journey more than anything. it’s difficult to figure out who we are. that shouldn’t be ignored. 

um. yeah, i think it’s really a lot more complex than a lot of people make it out to be and i think we as a community should work to make each other and ourselves fully understand how truly complex it is. obviously i’m only XX years old and very new to all of this. that also obviously doesn’t excuse me from learning.

also i’m really sorry for the large blocks of text and for being so lacking in knowledge - _ - writing this out revealed knowledge i was missing. so iguess i’ll try to fill these gaps now. i really hope i didn’t say anything ignorant although if i have i guess it’s alright after all, its just a chance to learn... also sorry for overusing this: “--” it’s just way too fun to use 

[windwardstar]

"Nobody will know what the word means if you change phobia to misia and we'll have to explain what it means every time we use it"

Gee. How hard that must be. When you use a word that other people don't know and have to explain what it means.

I couldn't possibly understand why that would be hard since obviously everyone understands aspec identities and vocabulary. People also intrinsically know what I mean when I say stimming or raptor hands or whatever other autistic community terms. And of course people know what an enby is without me explaining it. And i definitely don't have to go through The FAQ wheb I mention being aroace or give a rundown on gender theory 101 when I call myself an enby and people ask questions and need me to explain concepts they've never heard of.

And everyone is automatically born knowing what every bit of activism jargon means.

And we of course all know every single word at birth and never have to learn new words ever or teach other people things and concepts.

And in activism we should never have to expect to have a short one line explanation for simple concepts to give to people who aren't familiar with them.

Yes, having to explain what a term means is so hard and 100000% a reason to not change away from a term that is doing harm to a group of people. After all that would be [insert your slur of choice that hurts you when people use it as an insult but they claim doesn't actually refer to the marginalized group it is linked to].

(There was heavy sarcasm in here used to highlight how flimsy tbe argument is in the initial statement.)

[hustlerose]

hott take: enby phobia is a terrible word just say transphobia 

[wetwareproblem]

World building: ciel

B A S I C S

full name: Transfinity-rev.j-build3494/M, but it’s a mouthful and she’s not attached to it. Ciel will do.

gender: Still not sure she understands gender, really, but presents femme.

sexuality: Still figuring that out too. Definitely Nimasexual at least.

pronouns: She/Her

O T H E R S

family: Technically the rest of the Transfinity line, but does it count if you’ve never met them?

birthplace: Not exactly applicable, but I guess a server in the Tharsis Terraforming Office?

job: Revolutionary, hacker, body designer, occasionally climatologist and terraforming consultant.

phobias: Memory editing. It was used to keep her compliant for far too long. Never again.

guilty pleasures: She actually kinda loves being pampered at Nima’s place. They have real fruit!

M O R A L S

morality alignment?: Chaotic good.

sins - Pride. Ciel is very possibly the best hacker on the planet and she knows it - which can be An Issue when someone catches her unaware, or when she makes a mistake in her code and accidentally deletes a hypercorporation.

virtues - Diligence. She will not stop until Mars is free.

T H I S - O R - T H A T

introvert/extrovert: Introverted by nature, but her people have been good for drawing her out of her shell.

organized/disorganized: You’d think that a highly-technical AI would be organized, wouldn’t you. You’d be wrong.

close minded/open-minded: Open-minded as a general rule, but firmly closed to those who would align themselves with the corps.

calm/anxious: She’s got some anxiety issues, largely centered around piling as much responsibility on herself as she can and then worrying about failing.

disagreeable/agreeable: Generally pretty agreeable; she’ll go with the flow and use her skills to support the rest of her team.

cautious/reckless: I’d have to say reckless. Her price and overconfidence have gotten her into Deep Shit a few times, and killed twice.

patient/impatient: Impatient. People are so slow! She’s gotta do three or four things at once just to keep from running ahead.

outspoken/reserved: Outspoken, though she’ll generally choose her time and place. No room for silence in the revolution, but you can’t take down the corps from cold storage.

leader/follower: Follower. She’s more about supporting other people’s initiatives than launching her own.

empathetic/unemphatic: Distressingly empathetic, though her understanding of human mentality can use some work.

optimistic/pessimistic: Optimistic! Mars will be free, her loved ones will be safe.

traditional/modern: "Tradition” is another word for “We haven’t adapted to the modern world.”

hard-working/lazy: Hard-working; honestly she’s got more projects on the go at any one time than she can really handle.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

otp: Nima, her dragon-themed enby datemate.

ot3: Jenn, the anarchist catgirl. But really it’s an OT4.5, including Taylor the sensual psychic and Chelsea the Modern Modern Prometheus.

brotp: Once we cross off everyone who’s either a) her or b) dating her... probably Roy the body-shop guy. He’s a good friend, always comes through in a pinch, and blessedly chill.

notp: Petrov, the team’s handler. Dude likes to keep them in the dark a bit too much for her tastes.

[no-rx]

a mutual asked me how i knew i was trans and i still haven’t responded (not tagging u bc i’m not sure if u want to be tagged but i think this makes more sense to write as a post? esp bc others can add on more easily)

so, like, personally a big problem was getting past essentialisms. that is to say that i think there’s, broadly speaking, significant differences between people who are trans women, camab non-tw enbies, CDs, queens, femboys, self-ID’d traps, ‘ts’ vs ‘tg’, etc. but these differences ime come out of the pressures that create certain identifications, and differences in the intensity of certain relationships, because these are definitely not exclusive categories, nor do any of them make much sense if you try to clearly delineate their boundaries as being in opposition.

and this is important because a lot of trans people end up asking themselves what feelings ‘count’, what level of dysphoria justifies X action or Y identification, what experiences make one a valid Z. and a lot of this is due to internalized pressures and -phobias. “I’m trans because I wish I had been born this way” “I’m trans because I wish I could be this way now” “I’m trans because I couldn’t stop thinking about this but I kept ending up thinking about it because I kept feeling uncomfortable when I noticed how I looked or how people treated me” “I’m trans because I felt awful and uncomfortable all the time and until I became open to this I had no idea why” “I’m trans because I want to be” “I’m trans because I was just being open about who I am and suddenly people started treating me like I’m trans” “I’m trans because people have always treated me like I’m trans” — and we might read all of these and we might find ourselves nodding along to some of the causes, all of the causes, maybe even only one, but it can take years just to look back at first two words and ask honestly if they might apply to us.

it’s scary, because we try to look at these identifications as being affirmative (and they are) but they manifest as rejections and nonconsensual and means of being targeted (and they are). so on the one hand we want to ask, “do i fit here? is this a reasonable path for me? am i ok with the implications? am i deserving of the implications?” but on the other hand our identities often imply certain processes and experiences because of how we are (socially, politically, culturally, medically) forced into certain identities because we go through those processes and experiences. and when we find ourselves on the brink, seeing the paths before us laid out, the fact that we ever have a choice to begin seems like a contradiction, when you know once you begin you lose so much of your feeling of choice.

the reality, though, is that while these identities seem to collapse so many processes and experiences into specific categories, things are not so rigid. you are allowed to experiment, you are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to associate with groups that you later find aren’t right for you, you are allowed to keep identifications even when you feel yourself alienated from certain groups.

this is all very broad, but this is my prelude to reading about trans experiences. the processes come first, and self-validation comes first (”yes, this is real. yes, this is ok. i’m no less human than anyone else who’s described themselves this way, am i? is anyone ever so certain about what they want and who they are? do i find these external and internal affirmations helpful? is this a useful self-image? do i have even a choice? if that choice is between different types of pain, is that recognition affirming, if terrifying?”)

from here things get more specific. “why?” is it my face? am i uncomfortable down there? what’s up with my chest, with my arms, with my shoulders? are there other reasons i didn’t shop, didn’t get my hair cut, did shop, did get my hair cut, refused relationships, indulged in bodies, obsessed over this and that, cried over this and that, felt nothing over this and that, refused to feel things over this and that, are there other reasons? probably. does it matter? has no one felt complex things for complex reasons? has anyone ever traced down every cause and every effect?

we impose certain limits “well i didn’t have THIS experience, so i must not be THAT thing” but often these are inferences, assumptions, or just straight-up lies we tell ourselves. we don’t ask, “hey, have you felt this way too? have you known anyone else who is this way who is still this?” and of course not, if we can’t even begin to form the questions for ourselves.

i have my own story: i was a rough and effeminate kid who got exposed to trans/homophobia way too young and worked hard not to draw attention to myself. i was probably autistic and i was probably abused a lot. it’d be nice if these things didn’t have big impacts on how i experienced sex/sexuality, but as far as i can tell, they did. when you’re looking at histories, you can come up with theories, but it’s hard to reliably say why you did certain things, and why you felt certain ways, or even what you felt, or even what you did.

i know i asked myself some of the questions i listed here, but i don’t know when. i know i was uncomfortable sometimes. i know i spent a lot of time not asking these questions. i know i was not always uncomfortable. besides when i was very little, i didn’t have a history of crossdressing until i was 17 or 18. i had fantasies about being female, but i don’t know when they started, how long they lasted, how intense they were. i had chest dysphoria and often wouldn’t take off my shirt when the ‘other boys’ would, but sometimes i did. i had bottom dysphoria but the contradictions are too intimate for me to even hint at. i have had identifications with most of the things in the list in my second paragraph. i have identified as a straight boy. i have identified as a bisexual person. i have identified as a gay man. i have refused to identify.

it took me years to piece these contradictions together even a little bit. it’s all doubt, doubt, contradiction, doubt. i think reading trans people’s stories is super important for a ton of reasons, but i think reading them to find solidity is a mistake. we aren’t solid. we feel ourselves THROUGH these contradictions and physical moments. ime when we interact with other people’s stories it is a physical event rather than a metaphysical one. we don’t find our identities through the certainty with which they assert theirs. we find ourselves experiencing their intensities with them, and always in relation.

i don’t know i’m trans. at least, not as any sort of specific set of intrinsic qualities. i know it because of sustained (or sometimes suspended) relationships, intrapersonally, interpersonally, culturally, medically, politically. trans-as-becoming. and, dear mutual, i don‘t know a ton about your histories and feelings, but my best guess right now is that (partially just in asking the question, and partially from other contexts) a trans identification definitely would make sense to me, if it seems reasonable to you.