#is this the internalised issues speaking? probably

[faerygrant]

so much wine - carmen berzatto x reader

summary: Carmen wants to prove to you that your relationship means a lot to him, what better way to do so than introducing you to his mother over dinner.

warnings: angst, swearing, minor injury, crazy Donna Berzatto appearance

Christmas time in Chicago was indeed the most wonderful time of year, in your opinion of-course. Snow was falling, trees brightly decorated in twinkling fairy lights and colourful ornaments and most of all, it was a time for reuniting with family and friends.

The beginning of your relationship with Carmen was…unorthodox to say the least. He hadn’t asked you to be his girlfriend in the normal way most men did, it was an awkward three months into your “arrangement” of sleeping together, him being partially moved into your brownstone and being introduced to all of his staff at the Bear when you finally posed the question. What are we?

He was stunned, you were stunned and you both stood there for a good 5 minutes in silence until he admitted he thought you were already dating, causing you to let out a loud sigh of relief. You’d told him that usually one asks the other to be their girlfriend to which he just shrugged and smiled, telling you he wanted you to be “his forever.” That satisfied you.

Now meeting his family wasn’t a big deal to you, you’d met Nat only a month into the relationship, as she was regularly at the restaurant, you’d heard about what happened to his brother but never pestered him much about it, as for the rest of his family, he never spoke much about them. He of-course called Richie cousin but you were mad very aware early on by Carmen, that they weren’t actually related in any way.

It hadn’t bothered you much until one night a few weeks ago, while out with your friends, Christmas plans were mentioned, one of them asking if you’d be spending it with yours or Carmy’s parents to which you admitted you hadn’t yet met them. Most of the girls shrugged it off but Mia, your highschool friend had taken this as a red flag.

“You’ve been with him for a year, he’s met your parents, you guys LIVE together and you haven’t met his mom?” Her eyes bulged in disbelief, leading you to down your cosmo worriedly.

“I’m sure it’s nothing and if it is, he probably has good reason. He could be protecting you, you never know” Your other friend Maisie assured, ever the voice of reason. You smiled at her words. Though you couldn’t pretend that you hadn’t began to internalise what Mia had said. You knew Carmy’s dad left when they were younger, but he never mentioned his mother, ever. Unless Sugar did and he’d always step out when they’d speak about her. The only photos you’d seen of her were when you’d visit Sugar and Pete’s and even then, they were old ones.

So yes, despite the holiday being the most wonderful time of the year, the past few days the issue of Carmen’s mom had been weighing on you heavily. You’d considered prying information out of Richie, but you knew he was too loyal to Carmen, Fak would rat you out to Richie, who once again, would alert Carmen of your questions. You knew the best thing to do was either ask your boyfriend or forget about it, unfortunately your brain wasn’t going to allow yourself to do either.

Luckily for you, Carmen had noticed how out of it you’d been acting the past days and had finally had enough. So one evening after work, the restaurant closing early due to heavy snow, Carmy had approached you, ready for answers.

“Are we good?” He asks, taking a seat beside you on the bed. His tattooed arms bulging as he crossed them, adorned in a navy sweater and grey sweats. His hair was a curly mess probably from the windy evening air and he smelt of cigarette smoke and cologne.

“Wha- why wouldn’t we be?” You place the book you were reading besides you on the table and turn to look at him, feigning innocence.

“I dunno, you’ve just been actin’ kinda’ off past couple a days” he pauses, brining your knuckles to his lips and slowly grazing them with kisses. “Thought maybe you were mad at me” his tone is questioning.

“Oh Carmy, it’s not that.” You feel horrible, leaning into him to peck at his face. “It’s just that the girls and I were discussing Christmas plans and the conversation slipped into parents and Mia pointed out the fact that you’ve never introduced me to your mom, even though you’ve met both of my parents.” Immediately you see the way he tenses up, his veins appearing and his body stiffens.

“That really what’s been botherin’ you?” He asks genuinely.

“Yeah.”

“I jus- my ma’s not all there.” He whispers quietly, you notice how difficult it is for him, so you take his big hand in yours, squeezing tightly.

“Carmen I understand, it’s just important for me. If we’re going to be married one day and start a family than I’d like to meet her. The last thing I’d do is judge her.” You assure him, hopping he’d somehow believe you.

“I dunno, we’ll see.” He whispers, failing to meet your gaze.

“Alright.”

-

It was two weeks later, with lots of talking, deep heart to hearts and support from Nat and Pete, Donna Berzatto was coming to dinner at your an Carmy’s place. Carmy was a nervous wreck, insisting on working on the food in the kitchen while you just relaxed and set the table.

He warned you about her and so did Nat, you thought you had an idea of what to expect, what was to come walking through that door in a few minutes but you’d underestimated Donna Berzatto, oh how you’d underestimated her.

Carmen had just placed the braised lamb dish on the table, while you popped open the bottle of red for the night when the sound of your doorbell continuously being rung alerted the both of you. That wasn’t the only sound however, shouts of “Carmen!” Sounded from the door, along with the banging of a flat palm. Ok so maybe you knew where the night was going to be headed.

Carmen sighed, rubbing your shoulder assuringly before making his way to the front door.

“My baby boy, oh you look tired and pale, why?” You heard her fussing, her voice echoing from the foyer.

“I’m fine Ma s’jus winter.” Carmen mumbles, when finally you see her walk into the dining room. Her blonde hair is curled, red lipstick, smudged eyeliner from what you can only assume was a cry session before she’d gotten here, a bottle of whiskey in hand and long bright red manicured nails.

“Mrs Berzatto, it’s nice to finally meet you.” You hold your hand out to shake hers and she simply looks you up and down before looking to Carmen.

“Would you turn the heat up in here Carmen, I’m freezing.” She exaggerates, before taking a seat at the table, completely dismissing your introduction.

“Ma, she was talkin’ to you, don’t be rude.” Carmy speaks, already becoming frustrated with his mother. She had the audacity to show drunk and disheveled, reeking of whiskey and then act rude towards his girlfriend.

“Didn’t hear her.” She shrugs, making herself at home and reaching for the bottle of wine which she grabs, pouring a generous amount into a glass and chugging.

“It’s fine baby, just turn the heat up, I’ll serve the food.” You brush his arm affectionately. You’d try to remain composed, you’d try not to let her win, after all it was your idea in the end to have her over and you weren’t going to crack easily.

Donna had somehow settled, the three of you eating in awkward silence, the only sound being the scraping of forks and knives and sips of wine, mostly on Donna’s part.

“So Mrs Berzatto, what’ve you been up to recently?” You attempt again at conversation with her.

“Not seeing my son obviously, since you’ve got him cooped up in here, you the reason he doesn’t even bother to call his mother anymore?” She drops her fork against her plate, a loud “clank” ringing throughout the room.

“Ma you know exactly why I haven’t called, stop tryna’ blame her.”

“Oh so now I’m the bad guy for missing my baby boy?” She stands dramatically from her seat, the table shaking slightly. She’s hysterical, tears beginning to stream down her face as she points an accusatory finger at you.

“You think I don’t know what you’re doing, tryna use my son for his money and steal him away from me.” Her arms are moving wildly and before you know it, the glass of wine had swung off the table, the glass shattering onto the white tile. A large puddle of red, dripping below the table.

“Fuck, shit, fuck I got it” Carmen groans, but you push him to sit back down. You already felt guilty for pressuring him into inviting his mom over, he knew how it would go but you’d been so stubborn.

“It’s fine I’ve got it Carmy.” You try reaching for the pieces of glass while you hear Donna continuing her blabbering rant. You’re so distracted that you don’t even realise the blood that begins to pour from your palm.

“Fuck” you mumble, not wanting to alarm Carmen, however you’re too late.

“See what you fuckin’ made her do ma? Get the fuck out of our house now, I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt for her and you treat her like this? Not fuckin’ havin it, we’re done here!” He shouts and his mother is stunned.

“You’re really going to speak to your own mother like that?”

“Yes, and I’m going to show you to the fuckin’ door now”

-

“You sure you okay baby, no more pain?” Carmen asks for what feels like the hundredth time, his lips grazing your bandaged hand.

“I’m sure Carmy, thank you for cleaning me up.” He just smiles at you, resting his head in the crook of your neck.

“Carmen?”

“Hmm?” It comes out muffled, the sensation tickling your neck.

“I’m sorry for pestering you, you were right about her”

“Don’t apologise, you were curious and you deserved to know and see for yourself.”

“I know but I shouldn’t have pressed you, you were just protecting me, and I love you for that.” He removes his face from your neck, kissing you tenderly and whispering a quiet “I love you too”

-

“Can I ask you something?” He questions later while the two of you are in bed, cuddled up under the sheets.

“Anything.” You assure.

“Does this change the way you see me?”

“Never, you’re not your mother Carmy.” And those words are assuring enough to allow him to fall asleep peacefully that night.

[nayatarot777]

Lilith in Gemini/3rd House

this is intuitive astrology. meaning that i’m making these notes based on what i intuitively pick up about this astrological point being merged with these signs. take it with a grain of salt and understand that you might not relate to everything that i get from your placement 🖤

Astrology Masterlist

gemini/3rd house is related to communication (writing and speaking), mental processing of information (learning new things), thought processes, adaptability, anything digital too - such as social media, teaching, public speaking, your local neighbourhood + short distant travels + transportation, and also the way that you build connections with your peers - like siblings, classmates, coworkers, etc. it can also represent close relatives (usually makes me think of aunts and uncles).

lilith being in this position can give you a curiosity that you were shamed out of having. you’ve been shamed for the questions that you asked your parents, your teachers, your peers, simply because these questions were perceived to be as taboo or inappropriate to ask. especially when you were a child.

the way that you speak and word your sentences can also be perceived as being quite rude. especially if you have lilith in aries in the 3rd house, or if your mars is conjunct your lilith or just in the 3rd house with your lilith. the things that you say to people can provoke a darkness out of them because you trigger a dark part of their mind with the things that you say or the things that you ask - even without meaning to.

an undeveloped and non-integrated lilith in this sign/house will result in someone who’s very manipulative through gossip and communication. the type of person who will spread lies about other people. the type of person who may even be a pathological liar, just for the sake of toying with information as a way of feeling like they have the upper hand in a conversation. someone who can turn people against each other with the gossip/lies that they spread - ESPECIALLY if lilith in gemini is in the 7th house or the 11th house. people with this placement could also lie for the sake of gaining information for themselves too. which leads me to my next point:

information is power here. and lilith here usually gives an obsession towards thinking and learning. she has an insatiable hunger for knowing information about things and people. and even for understanding her own mind when she finally dives deep into her own thought process.

your mind can be a very dark place. you could constantly think about the themes of rejection, shame, abuse, and are constantly aware of those themes in conversations between your peers. whether it’s directed towards you or it’s happening between other people.

since gemini/3rd house is also related to intelligence, you could���ve had an inferiority complex with your own intelligence in school. like you weren’t smart enough or you weren’t good at learning new things. the kids who struggled with writing essays and paying attention in class. the real issue was that you just had an unconventional and uncommon way of processing and expressing information. meaning that the way in which teachers expected you to learn was not compatible with what you needed to be able to learn. but you internalised this at some point and felt like you were just “dumb” in a way.

this could’ve definitely manifested in the opposite way and resulted in you feeling like you were one of the most intelligent people in the class. and you could’ve faced rejection from your peers and classmates due to them recognising the power that you held in your academic success - which made them feel inferior to you. but not quietly. this was probably the reason why you were picked on and even bullied, and this could’ve lead to you being less of a participant in class. suppressing your own expression of what you know and suppressing your own curiosity because how other children dealt with their inferiority complexes brought you pain and shame.

for people with a developed lilith here, this placement also makes me think of people who can read between the lines with the things that people say - very easily. it’s almost like you can see into the thought process that would cause someone to say something in the way that they did.

an underdeveloped lilith placement will be extremely susceptible to not just possibly being a gossiper/liar, but also being someone who’s very easily manipulated and gullible. someone who believes everything that people (especially their friends/peers) tell them. they can’t see through people’s lies and manipulations - and other people can see this clearly. this could be due to them suppressing their curiosity that would’ve made them question what they were told if they were to embrace being curious.

you could’ve also been cyber bullied too - or you were the one to cyber bully and troll online.

you may have siblings who are the embodiments of lilith energy - especially younger ones (unless your lilith is in sagittarius or capricorn, which would indicate that this applies to your older siblings too). meaning that they’re extremely rebellious, outcasted, possibly full of rage too. or for a select few, you could have siblings that are into the occult, witchcraft, or something like that - and if so, with a good relationship with this sibling, you would’ve learned a lot from them.

you might also feel ostracised from your siblings too. having a lot of conflicts with them - especially verbally. unless aries/mars is an influence to your third house. then verbal conflicts could easily turn into physical fights.

you may also have issues with your uncles and aunts. this placement makes me think of people with verbally mean aunts and uncles who always have some fucked up shit to say to them. could also indicate issues with your cousins too.

there’s also oppression or trauma related to your local neighbourhood here. or just constantly having issues with your neighbours - mainly for lilith in the 3rd house. you could feel like the black sheep in your local area for some reason. this could be due to being a different race, culture, ethnicity, sexuality, etc compared to everyone else.

[bambinambi]

The cost of betraying oneself

For the last three years, I've felt like I had to relearn who I was, relearn lessons that were imbued upon me from childhood (through self-reflection as an adult), I've had to relearn societal rules (through awkwardly fumbling through social interactions), and whether I even want to abide by these social rules or not. More and more, I started understanding my past self and accepting her after years of rejecting and being embarrassed of her as I came back into myself. But I feel like I began navigating this rebirth in the wrong manner.

I approached it in a manner in which I believed there were objectively a right and wrong way of doing "life", in part due to having befriended certain people that thought that who I was, how I thought and how I sought to navigate the world were wrong because it did not make sense to them, but also by accepting and internalising their critiques instead of recognising them as very strong subjective opinions. While I could be very stubborn, I also had a porous mind. I feel like it is in my nature to be attracted to anyone who wants to bestow me with any new knowledge or different perspectives that I can mull over, being a mrigashira native. The only issue was that instead of giving me new perspectives, they belittled and ridiculed my thought processes. And I knew that they were opinions to begin with, but the more I recognised that the world around me agreed with them, the more I started to question whether how I perceived the world around me was "correct".

I watched a video by Claire Nakti that spoke about people copying you/stealing your destiny, and she gave an analogy that went along the lines of, "when you decide to take in information that someone else has discovered, instead of eating the fruits of knowledge that they consumed, you end up eating the excrement of the people who ate the fruit" (I said it in a far my crass manner but you get the gist of what I'm saying). Not only do you not take in the full knowledge or wisdom, but you will also often misinterpret what you are hearing and seeing, and subsequently impose these incorrectly understood lessons and ideas onto your life, and potentially others, because you have not made sense of these lessons from your own point of view, nor attained the wisdom, through experience, attached to these lessons. But not only that, you end up not living out your own destiny by attempting to steal another's. This is probably why incredibly wise people are usually portrayed as very old in media. Someone who has lived that long has had many many experiences but also the time to learn and wisen due to them.

I'm not going to speak on this too much because ultimately, you could always just go watch Claire's video for more information on Ketu and Rahu, and its relation to making sense of the world with the knowledge you came into the world with, and also your own acquired wisdom that one gains as you navigate the world. Going back to my own personal story, I will not say whether my friends’ interpretations of the world were "correct" or "incorrect", or whether now that I'm in a different state of mind, I agree with them. What I will speak on is the danger of betraying oneself in the pursuit of really anything. For me, it was the pursuit of social acceptance and assimilation into spaces that may not have been for me and in spaces, that I myself may not have wanted to be in, if I were being honest with myself.

We all likely have friendships in which we have much in common with our friends and also differ in many ways. I've always wondered why I had friendship groups in which we differed in many ways, and this always fascinated me, and I could never make sense as to why our friendships worked. Maybe I enjoyed these friendships because they always had people with differing ideas to that of my own that made me really "think" and question my own viewpoints, that's these friendships were stimulating, as I am a person that loves to question. My friendship with these two particular friends hinged on a shared love of similar music and interests as most friendships do but differed in how we perceived the world greatly. Instead of agreeing to disagree, my friends sought to change my perspective through belittling, triangulation, and bullying. I recognised that I wasn't happy in the friendship, but I stayed in that relationship, longer than I should have, due to fear of being alone. COVID came around, and I thought I would spend the year 2020 "fixing" myself, as many other people sought to do. I threw myself into a ton of psychology content so I could psycho-analyse myself and effectively learn where I needed to improve in myself and my approach to my interpersonal relationships. What made the whole process near impossible, is that I was dealing with a severe case of moral perfectionism, in which I thought that the times in my past in which I had caused harm to people, were like blemishes on my being that I could never get rid of, like they would haunt me for my entire life, and would never be able to separate myself from having been that person. You can't move on from past versions of yourself if you think you'll always be tethered to them. Also, trying to take in all this knowledge, that didn't resonate with me at the time, was also incredibly overwhelming, but also useless, and I could never incorporate what I learnt effectively into my life, because it did not come naturally to me. I honestly blame myself for having bought into the ideas surrounding cancel culture, because if you're not willing to forgive and allow someone to move on with their lives after having made past mistakes, how can you do that for yourself?

I also really got into astrology, so I could learn how to read my birth chart with the sole purpose of understanding what my flaws and shortcomings were in this lifetime so I could correct them. I had spent a great deal of my adolescence being bullied by age-mates and even past friends and I think these experiences also informed this idea that there had to be something fundamentally wrong with me to have experienced all of it, and that if I could dig into myself and expel it from my being, I could subsequently be treated better by the world.

Slight sedge way from the story, but I want to say that once, I was speaking to my mom, and I asked her if I should change my approach on a specific situation I was experiencing, and she told me not to allow people to change who I am, meaning don't allow other people's behaviour towards you change who you are, and how you would react to a situation. By allowing someone to influence your behaviour, or "matching their energy", you're giving someone else power over yourself, and how you would actually react to a situation if you were being your authentic self, which could be a big price to pay for simply wanting to stroke your ego. Also, when you have to answer for your behaviour or words, you'd feel a lot more confident in your past actions by actually believing in what you've done and said, instead of it coming from a place of fear, in some cases, or ego.

So, getting back to trying "to fix" myself; in trying to do so, I think I experienced the actual death of my mind and soul. I should mention that I have always had a habit of ridding myself of the past to make way for who I want to be in the present (I'm not sure if this is due in part to my heavy pluto influence in my chart), example, I always liked getting rid of old art because I had discovered a different art style. And so, my nature of always wanting to start completely anew or on a clean slate had ultimately bit me in the ass, because in my bid to "fix myself", I found that I had rid myself of everything about my being; my personality, my opinions, my temperaments, the things I cared about, the things that drive me.

I really didn't know who I was or what I believed in. I had no idea what kind of person I was even trying to work towards being because I sought to destroy the foundations, that I had taken years, leaving me with no real basis to start with but also leaving me an empty shell or husk.

I spent a year and a half in a state of derealisation and depersonalisation. I existed in a state of limbo. When you experience depersonalisation and derealisation, it's like being underwater. You can't process information as well. I honestly don't know how I got through my third year in that state. You're never really present, and even when you perceive things going on around you, you sense these things, but sometimes you don't really process them in your mind. It's like the saying, "going through one ear and out the other." I think it's relevant to mention that I had no hobbies and I found that I struggled listening to new music, in fact I found myself wanting to listen to music that my dad would play when we were children, almost as a form of comfort, but also (and this ties back to the whole premise of this post) as if I had regressed to being a child again. When I came out of that state, I found that I had to relearn a lot of things, that I most likely knew before but just couldn't remember, almost like I was starting over again, from the beginning.

And by the way, this is not a sob story. I knowingly betrayed myself by being in a relationship with people who I knew did not truly like or accept me for who I was but I unknowingly betrayed my soul by completely destroying the growth that I had made up until I would said my 19th year. And why I mentioned Claire Nakti's video earlier is because ultimately, what I would like you take away from this message, is that on the one side, there is a lot to learn from others, but in your pursuit of knowledge, make sure that even when you seek to learn from others, that their messages resonate with you, so as not to be led astray. Also, become comfortable with walking the path less travelled, especially when it resonates with you. I was so set on being accepted that I completely neglected the voice that told me that the ideas being imposed onto me didn't resonate with me, that I didn't actually like the people I desperately wanted to approve of me, that who they were was not who I wanted to be, nor wanted to be associated with anyway. Essentially, if you've ever been through what I've been through, my advice to all of us, actually really for anyone, is to worry less about whether you're getting it "right", and to worry more about whether it feels right to you.

Subsequently, making this discovery also made me wonder how I would raise my children, like would I act as a guide or assistant. Growing up, my parents furiously imposed their beliefs onto us as children, which I subsequently rejected, not only because it didn't make sense to me at the time, but also because I needed to gain my own understanding to really develop these beliefs for myself. And so the way I think I'll go about parenting my children, is to gently advise them, so they would be more accepting of the advice but also try to ensure that I'm giving them these lessons in a manner that they can understand and make sense of for themselves, and not be frustrated when they decide to make decisions that go against my advice because ultimately, people learn better from experience than being told what to do, especially children. Life isn't a test, it's an experience, you're allowed to fuck up, you're allowed to become a different person overnight, don't rush the process, because ultimately, the destination will be there when you finally get there.

It almost feels like I am having a similar experience to Bella Baxter from 'Poor Things', in the sense of discovering the world, one' s self, how the world reacts to me and how I subsequently react to the world, anew. The only difference being that I had a detailed understanding of my past self, that made my relearning of myself and the world staggered, as I desperately attempted to cling onto who I once was, once I realised that I had completely destroyed the version of myself that I loved and respected. In pursuit of social acceptance and really, self-acceptance, I had completely forgotten how much had gone into me being who I was and how hard I had worked to become that person. Bella Baxter had the advantage of not having any reference for who she was "meant" to be. The friends she met on the boat and in France liked her for her uniqueness. It makes me very cognisant of the saying, "When you attempt to be like someone else, you're robbing the world of yourself." It's very true. So, while I would never advocate for complete isolation, I would say, try to process things on your own, without outside opinions or potential influences.

- 5 May 2024

[ovwechoes]

Can you write different characters and how they would react when they get jealous when dating reader

D.va,Sombra,Junkrat , the rest you wanna do is your choice!

OVW Characters & Jealousy Headcanons

I'm happy to write for them! I'll write some headcanons for Venture and Ashe as well!

Hana Song / D.Va: Hana's the type of woman that would use humour to mask her jealousy - she's usually friendly, but she wont stray from poking fun at whoever she's jealous of, especially when around her partner. She's confident in herself, and doesn't internalise the jealousy, just uses it to fuel her anger towards the person she's jealous of. Her jealousy would reflect in her affection as well - her kisses would be more dominating, her hugs tighter, even hand holding would involve her nails digging into your hands more. It's her way of showing she's better, and reminding her partner that she's theirs and they're hers. Hana won't verbalise her jealousy, unless it's for a valid reason that her partner is feeding into.

Olivia Colomar / Sombra: Olivia holds her cards close to her chest, and when she feels jealous this is amplified. She keeps her guard up, and wont open up about her feelings even on the smallest of things. All the while, she'd be subtly manipulating situations where her partner's interacting with the person causing the jealousy to plant seeds of doubt and dislike from her partner to them. She doesn't take jealousy lightly, and she needs to feel in control of situations otherwise her mind wanders to dark places. Olivia would most likely hide her jealousy behind a façade, never letting anyone see how much it's affecting her. In reality, though, it is and if it were affecting her deeply, she'd create scenarios for her partner and the other person to ‘find themselves in’, so that she could test her partner's loyalty. When Olivia's backed into a wall and can't move on from it, she does destructive things like that and wants to test her partner's loyalty and commitment, just to reassure herself.

Jamison Fawkes / Junkrat: Because of his explosive nature, Jamison would probably react to situations that cause him to feel jealousy with impulsive, attention-seeking and destructive reactions. It would be immediate, and he would emphasise these emotions to the extreme - he might do rash things like become verbally aggressive with the person making him feel jealous (not his partner), and wouldn't think twice about the things he was saying or doing. It's his way of trying to feel better, and trying to gain his partner's attention back. Jamison would definitely be plotting some overly complicated and malicious way to get back at the person causing the jealousy, in an attempt to stop it from happening anymore. If confronted by his partner about his emotions, he would be honest and vulnerable, in hopes that it would cause them to see how much it's hurting him and how badly he wants their undivided attention. Otherwise, he wont speak about it and would have no intention of confronting the issue head on in a mature way.

Sloan Cameron / Venture: When Venture feels jealous, they take a very analytical approach to the situation. Instead of letting themselves react with impulsivity, they would take a step back, understand the situation, and formulate a way to move forwards with it. They'd also take into consideration their partner's interactions with other people, and see if it's something their partner is doing or the people they're interacting with. It's important to Sloan to fully understand the situation and that includes who's responsible for causing the emotions they're experiencing, so that they can approach them about it. Sloan would make an attempt to communicate with their partner, and wouldn't use blaming language. The goal of the conversation would be to highlight how they feel, listen to their response, and work with them on a solution. It's something they're good at, and they value their ability to speak to their partner in a candid way about the situation and their emotions. They would want to focus on self improvement if they're lacking as a partner in a specific way, and Sloan would make an effort to set boundaries if something their partner was doing was causing the jealousy.

Elizabeth Caledonia “Calamity” / Ashe: In situations that cause jealousy to occur because of someone else's actions (not her partner's), Elizabeth won't stray from directly confronting it with verbal aggression. She wouldn't let the other person speak by constantly interrupting them or refusing them the space to do so, and she'd tell them that they're not wanted by anyone so they might as well leave or that if they want to mess around with her she'll let them, but they wont like what she does back. She's very aggressive with her response to jealousy, and so she would want to dominate the conversation and would refuse to back down until they apologised or one of them walked away with a black eye. Elizabeth has been hurt too many times, and it's something that she wouldn't forgive her partner for a while (if they were the one causing the jealousy). She'd set the clear boundary, and make her partner work for forgiveness. It's something she's always struggled with, but after the things she's gone through, she won't beg for someone's attention and let them walk over her and her emotions.

[cluelessandsenseless]

Tim Laflour headcanon

Had to make a cute collage of my current obsession Tim Laflour (x blackfem!Reader- since I’m black and finding content for melanated girls is like finding a good man) use of she/her pronouns for Y/N.

Y/N is supposed to be Darryl’s little sister so like Bbf vibes. Cute bunny girl vibes just effortless, pretty and girly, ya know?

Y/N is Darryl’s sister who might transfer so she comes to check out some classes and tour the campus.

She’s only heard good things about Tim and thought he was hot when they first met.

Tim helps her carry her bags up even though Darryl is there (no ones complaining tho).

Tim thinks she’s cute but he thinks she’s probably judging him because of his fashion sense.

They get along so well when she arrives.

Y/N is kinda shy but not with Tim, he was just so sweet.

Y/N asked about the chiming sound.

They love how opposite they are to each other, like Tim thinks she’s so cute with the way she dresses.

Tim loves when she looks up at him with her doe eyes, she’s small in comparison to him (since he’s 6’4”).

Whereas she thinks he looks so cool/hot with the dark clothing, pierced face and how his personality juxtaposes his style.

Y/N loves everything cute but reads and watches horrors.

She loves Buffy the vampire slayer and clueless (because I do).

Y/N listens to Riot girl music and soft alt rock because she loves rock for girls

They just like to admire each other.

Y/N has long box braids.

She wears cute little pjs and always smells like fruits.

Tim loves that after Y/N showers the smell of her fruity body lotion and shower gel is all over the appartement.

Y/N loves that’s Tim smells like leather and cologne, she thinks it’s very masculine (ignore the low key internalised misogyny)

They don’t know that their crushes are mutual (Darryl does tho and he won’t tell).

Y/N deffo flirts with Tim in front of Darryl, she doesn’t see any issue with it.

Y/N always makes eye contact when he speaks to her, bites her lip and laughs at all of Tim’s jokes

She makes him blush.❤️

Gives him a kiss on the cheek for good luck (just a little too close to his lips) before he gets on the ice.

Y/N leaves lip gloss stains on his cheek.

He skates up to her whilst she is taking a tour of the campus (he’s even taller in the skates).

Tim offers to give her a better tour.

Gives her his jacket if she gets cold, It’s so big and harsh looking on her.

Y/N loves listening to Tim talk about whatever new thing he’s into.

I think Tim low key loves attention and she loves to listen.

When Darryl isn’t home they order takeout and flirt (they can’t help it).

They watch hockey in Tim’s room and she gets very comfortable meanwhile he can’t pay attention to the game because she’s wearing her pjs in his bed.

Tim takes her and Darryl to a punk bar, Y/N loves it.

Asks Tim to take her to get a piercing, Tim is conflicted because he think she would look hot but also loves how untouched she looks.

Maybe Y/N tells Tim she already has a nipple piercing/piercings and he melts at the thought.

Tim always compliments her outfit and hair, that she makes extra cute for him.

She thinks he’s pretty.

He thinks she’s pretty.

Y/N leaves after 2 weeks but transfers over the next semester.

They spend so much time together.

That’s all for now.

It’s just a bit too much text for a mood board collage but I wanted it to be like a headcanon almost, so we move.

All the photos are from Pinterest.

I love making little mood boards and I love my man Tim, he’s so cute and eats down I know it!

I might make more of these and maybe try and make them gender neutral. I could never write a full fic but I do love a good mood board. Xx

[eddiediazismyhusband]

i really want a fic of eddie realising him and buck have been falling in love the entire time.

I keep seeing posts (and even had someone tell me) that it’d be unrealistic for Eddie to be in love with Buck and not realise. Like not even think of him as an option. 

But that’s such a real queer person thing- i’ve lived that experience. I’m a women and despite all the times I admired other women it took forever for it to click for me.

I mean I grew up with accepting parents and kind friends and even queer people on tv. I remember looking at girls as much as I looked at boys. And yet I still had the reoccurring thought “I could be gay, I mean i’m not- but I could be. But most people aren’t gay and i’m most people”. (gay being used here in my head to mean “not straight”) AND YET despite it all I didn’t realise i was Bi until I was much older.

And even then, I’d had at least two long term crushes without realising they were crushes before it clicked. 

(I kid you not- it took a drag queen talking to me like i was a toddler for it to click, but that’s a whole other story SO-) 

Whether or not Eddie already knows he’s gay (or demi or whatever) doesn’t really make a difference, cause it’s that same sort of heteronormative internalising that causes these feeling to not be understood. 

Especially for Eddies character who’s had this messy norm with Shannon for so long, a stable thing to grasp (even when their relationship was a mess) and then her death and him chasing to find that weak grasp to SOMETHING again- something that can be another excuse to not go looking for himself. 

Like he’s internalised this behaviour of, “if i’m in a relationship, I don’t have to look deep and figure out why it’s not working” and never quite realising that maybe the reason it’s not working is cause he’s trying to replace something that was never really real.

(Speaking of, Eddie and Shannon are the epitome of loml by taylor swift. I mean- “we were just kids babe” “from one kiss to getting married” “something counterfeits dead” “what a valiant roar, what a bland goodbye” “i’m combing through the band of lies- “i’ll never leave” never mind”) 

babe you are speaking to the POSTER CHILD of raised in a religious household and convinced themselves they weren’t queer until it was staring them in the face

the biggest issue is that most (again i said most before yall try to jump down my throat) of the people who are against buddie are either straight people who don’t understand the nuances of queerness, or queer people who didn’t grow up in environments of oppression and have never felt the need to hide themselves

i used to tell my parents i had crushes on girls only to later realize that it was because i just had a genuine platonic connection with them (two of whom are my best friends and are also queer women) and i used to get confused about what the difference between attraction and admiration was— something a LOT of queer people go through without realizing.

comphet is literally such a widespread phenomenon that people truly don’t realize just how common it is— like even queer people don’t realize they probably know several “straight” people who are still lying to themselves bc sexuality isn’t black and white— it exists on a spectrum. I’m not saying that to invalidate anyone’s straightness, im just saying i know multiple men who are my dads age (60s +) who only recently came to the realization that they were gay.

it’s genuinely so disappointing to see some of the people in this fandom pushing homophobic talking points from history just to disprove a character’s implied queerness bc they view that character’s queerness as a threat to their ship.

anyway, i agree eddie and shannon’s relationship is soooooo unconscious lavender marriage coded to me and there are SO MANY beautiful TS lyrics that apply to that… another song that i really feel like captures Eddie’s pov of the relationship is Home by One Direction… especially these lyrics:

[myobsessionsspace]

Delulu anon here:

I completely understand where you're coming from in regards to letter on face. I guess, for me personally, face ended with Set Me Free pt. 2 and signified his journey ending in this both triumphant but also angry way. Very poignant. It felt less like a "Oh, look, I'm magically better now" and more a "fighting is the only thing I can do now, I tried nice and look what it got me". To me, it signified the fact that healing isn't linear nor pretty, nor does it always end in a neat bow. It's his chrysalis moment, and also one of the best songs in the BTS catalogue.

The English version of Like Crazy and Letter are more an encore or addendum, in my personal view.

I'd contrast Face and its structure with D-DAY (whilst also flipping out over the fact that every album BTS has delivered in Chapter 2 has been an absolute experience), which ends on the very much softer note of Snooze and Life Goes On. Especially LGO (Yoongi's Version) feels exactly like how you interpret Letter.

In all honesty, both of us are probably right, and I'm usually someone who doesn't subscribe to any of the theories claiming a BTS song is about another member. It feels a bit cheap, because BTS are individuals with a lot of complex emotions that exist outside their relationship with others. I've seen people claim all sorts of things, and Letter is that one exception where I don't disagree.

Initial Ask

Hi lovely,

Ugh, yes, yes, yes! I agree with what you’re saying, so beautifully put! I too feel like set me free was the ‘end’ leading into MUSE’s ‘Rebirth’. And ‘Letter’ like an addendum, yes!

I think that’s why Letter isn’t on streaming platforms and a hidden track. That in itself is so telling. It’s not really part of the flow of the songs. To me (very simplified):

FACE

Face-off : Jimin kinda internalising his ‘issues’

to

Dive: being submerged in the overwhelming emotions?

to

Like Crazy: using unhealthy coping mechanisms and the push pull battle of not caring and caring too much?

to

Alone: the consequences of his ‘like crazy’ actions or realisations setting in

to

Set Me Free: overcoming, f*ck it attitude, leaving the sh*t behind, shedding the ‘filth’

MUSE

Rebirth: self explanatory?

to

Showtime: he’s ready to take on the world with his new outlook on life, himself and people

to

SGMB: in love with love, love of people, his members, his fans, happy and want to be people’s happiness. In love and what’s people to enjoy love too.

That is a very rough & shallow summary (many have done interesting and thought provoking theories & analyses of FACE) but to me ‘Letter’ is more like ‘I can’t not do this for someone who’s been there holding my hand through this journey. I want to thank them, acknowledge them and continue to promise to them. They were a hidden part of this journey, an undercurrent’ his letter to him, his song to him, shared with us but not in the same way as FACE & MUSE. Not on streaming platforms for any and all. Memorialised in hard copy only. The lyrics needing extra scrutiny to read them, embossed not with ink. Embedded deep but still not straightforward to see.

I totally get you when it comes to always having their work attributed to the ‘ship.’ I don’t buy into a lot of it either.

BUT Letter speaks for itself. It’s not like ‘I wonder’ where Hobi collaborated with JK for them to make a lovely song. It’s not like how JK is their go to guy for guide recordings to be used by a different vocalist later on. In my opinion.

I like the way you think anon! I like that you are able to look at other members work and the topic as a whole, many focus on the two and the two only but I appreciate people who look at things wholisticly 😍 Yes I get you with the ending on a more mellow note like Yoongi’s DDAY with snooze and his cute version of LGO. Definitely

I really really really don’t like when anything and everything is brought back to their relationship and their relationship only. It’s demeaning. It’s like if anything a woman does was always brought back to her husband or her boyfriend you know? They have worked so so hard for very long to be whole, rounded, talented INDIVIDUALS. The experiences and stories they have to tell are not just one thing, their relationship. They don’t pick every song for their careers, every outfit, every prop, every scene just to highlight the man in their life. Honestly that would be scarily unhealthy and I’d suggest therapy.

I think a lot of the connections people make are what I like to call ‘cute delulu’ and what are these sites for if not to have a little fun with our chosen spaces/communities/fandoms. The majority of the time it’s just for fun and I enjoy it with us (even though I’m bad at instigating it😅).

It’s if people completely refuse to appreciate the actual art and intent and only want to use it for ‘ships’ that it’s saddening.

Thank you so much for the folllow up. It was lovely and I enjoyed it

💜

[boinin]

Do you have any kunigami headcanons?

Hey! Thanks for the ask.

I'm one of those people that scours through canon for blorbo details to build on and develop in the fanfiction I write. So I actually don't have a huge amount of standalone headcanons for the individual characters? Beyond things like how they'd act in relationships, what they might do in the future, etc. That said, I have enough Kunigami thoughts to write a couple novels, so here goes. These are just general beliefs that could apply to Kunigami, personal to my interpretation of his character:

Kunigami is bisexual, but probably not aware of this while in Blue Lock. He finds it hard to differentiate between physical attraction and admiration when it comes to dudes. Chigiri and Barou particularly confuse him for this reason. Classic do I want to be them or be with them dilemma.

He's generally hopeless with matters of the heart. He's oblivious to peoples' crushes on him, male or female. He's turned a bunch of confessions down on the basis that he's too busy to date (aside from lack of interest). In true sports anime fashion, he has a one-track mind... it's all football under that orange cloud of hair.

Speaking of, he's considered shaving all his hair off to avoid sweat dripping into his eyes. His sisters talked him out of it—mostly because him being bald horrified them, but they used the excuse that with no hair to soak into, he'd have more sweat dripping onto his face, not less. His elder sister introduced him to the concept of an undercut while in middle school, which he's been rocking ever since.

If Isagi's team had chosen Reo after winning the 3v3, Kunigami and Chigiri together would have beaten Shidou and Igaguri without issue. Chigiri would have lifted Kunigami's spirits and deflected Shidou's taunts, helping turn things around. They'd steal Shidou despite Kunigami's serious misgivings about playing with him, then sail through to the third selection. Kunigami and Shidou don't get on during this process, but they do develop a begrudging respect. Shidou can't beat Kunigami in a fist fight, and Kunigami will acknowledge that Shidou is a phenomenal player.

The last few speculate about Kunigami having a mental health condition so I've tagged this for that and put the headcanons under a cut in case anyone isn't into reading those sort of takes about a blorbo. Also: post-s2 anime/chp 155+ manga spoilers below in case that's a problem.

At the time of Blue Lock, Kunigami has symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). It's one reason he's so dedicated to fitness and high performance. He experiences anxiety when he cannot complete his pre-decided training due to intrusive thoughts of something bad happening. While this was also the case for him before Blue Lock, it's really exacerbated by the dangling fear of getting kicked out and never getting to represent Japan nationally.

Him winning Wild Card is a by-product of his OCD traits in addition to his existing similarity to Noel Noa. Having confronted the reality of leaving Blue Lock post-2V2 loss, Kunigami saw the Wild Card as a second chance. Already used to pushing himself through punishing workouts, he performs better than his fellow WC peers.

It still does serious damage to his mental health, as the whole process validates the intrusive thoughts he'd previously been able to categorise as irrational. Now he could think, finish the next 20 reps or you'll get kicked out, without being able to contradict himself. Players are getting kicked out around him for not following Ego's insane training regimens.

Ego preys on Kunigami's thought patterns to reinforce the idea that he must forfeit his existing identity to assume Noel Noa's mindset. Kunigami internalises this so well, it extends beyond his footballing and training to his whole personality. Now, post WC, he refuses to even engage with his friends the way he used to, because something at the back of his mind will say, the old you wasn't enough, or, everything you went through will be for nothing if you go back to your old ways now.

This isn't how I characterise Kunigami in all the things I write—it's really just a stream of thought about why he's so dedicated to fitness and how he was able to succeed in Wild Card (at personal cost).

[justwearthegoddamncardigan]

Just cuddles and kisses

Established Minho x ace!fem!reader

Set during tmr (movieverse)

Summary: Minho and reader just started dating, and she's a little worried about being ace (dw it all works out in the end)

Note: this fic is technically a continuation of Classic, but it can also be read as a standalone. Classic was initially in the same post as this, but I separated the parts to make them shorter

Warnings: internalised aphobia?? not really but just in case, language (Glader slang)

You've been dating Minho for a while now, and it's a long time before you have to address... it. As happy as you are, you're pretty nervous about having a relationship with Minho.

While you haven't really gone 'public' yet, you know that it's only a matter of time before the other Gladers find out.

When that happens, there's gonna discussions about your relationship and invasive questions and ugh, you just don't want to deal with it.

You're mainly scared for the bolder Gladers to ask about being physical. Minho hasn't said anything about sex yet, but the topic has got to come up sooner or later, and you stress yourself out at night waiting for that conversation.

You've known for a while that sex is... completely off the table for you, and you're scared that he'll want to leave you because of that. You know Minho isn't the type of guy to make a big deal out of it, and he'll be really nice about it at least for the first bit. But after a while, you're sure that having a sexless relationship will get old real fast.

You confided in Newt about it once, and he advised you to just talk it out with Minho.

That's easier said than done, though. You know that, respectful as he is, Minho is still a teenage boy with teenage hormones in a Glade where you're the only girl.

Plus, you already know that he's just holding back for you. He's pulled away from making out on multiple occasions because of a problem... further south, and you know that he's waiting for you to be ready.

He's being patient, and it's great, but the issue is that you'll never be ready. For you, sex is something you neither need nor want.

It's been alright so far, since you've just ignored the problem and kept the relationship limited to the kisses and little dates you manage to pull together in such a restricted space.

But, it all comes to a head one day when you're spending a late night in the Runners hut.

When you've both gotten tired of poring over the maps, Minho starts leaning in to drop light kisses around your face. You giggle as his lips brush against your jawline.

You love it when he does that, because it gives you a heads up that you're probably gonna be making out soon. And he's not even doing it with that intention, it's just a cute thing he does when he's bored with work.

You turn to him, forgoing the maps as you wrap your arms around his neck and pull him in to deepen the kiss.

That's when things start to get a little too heated, and it all goes to shit.

He's moving his hands around more than usual, and he's brushing over your ass and chest in a way that may or may not be intentional; you can't really tell.

Either way, you're hyperaware of every point of contact, and it starts to be too much. You can feel your heartrate speeding up, not in the good way, and-

"Y/n." Minho breaks away from the kiss and gently cups your face with a hand. "Hey, you with me?"

You nod and give him a smile, leaning in again, but he pulls back. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine."

"Ohh. Is this about... being physical?" he realises. "Listen, we can take as much time as-"

You back away, shaking your head. "I don't-" Your voice catches as you try to speak, and your vision starts to blur. Shuck, now you're crying.

You tilt your head up, staring at the roof as you blink rapidly.

"Y/n, hey. Just come and sit." You let him guide you to the table. "Talk to me, please."

You take a deep breath... and still no words come out. You close your eyes, processing your thoughts first before speaking.

"I don't... want sex." You meet his eyes as you tell him the truth. "As in; ever. I just- it's not an option for me. The thought of having sex, doing anything sexual at all, and just, all that kind of stuff happening to me... it makes me feel sick. I just- I can't."

"Oh," says Minho. "Alright. Okay. That's fine."

"Minho..."

"No, I'm serious. Listen, it's okay."

"How can it be okay? You want sex. I can feel it, when we're together."

"How can you feel it? What, do I just look at you with sex eyes? Because I promise-"

"No, I feel it. Against my hip."

"Oh." Minho's face reddens considerably, and he lets out an awkward laugh. "Okay, well. That's a me problem. I can- I can deal."

"I just- Minho. I know how important that kind of intimacy is to people. What if we stay together, and you're never satisfied? What if I'm not enough for this relationship?"

Minho lets out a stunned breath. "Not enough? Y/n, you are everything, my whole world. Every day I wake up and I get to see your smile. I get to run with you, and laugh with you. I get to be with you. You think not having sex is gonna break all that?"

"But sex is..."

He shakes his head. "Maybe I've been doing a shitty job then, if you really think you wouldn't be enough without sex."

"Y/n." He takes your hands and looks you in the eye. "I love you. And I realise we haven't said that, but I think now's as good a time as any for you to know. I love you, and this isn't gonna change anything."

You give him a watery smile. "I love you too. But it's still-"

"Okay. Full disclosure, I can take care of myself. Most guys here are taking care of themselves. Someone probably is, like, right now."

At your wrinkled nose and mildly grossed-out expression, he winces. "Right. Let's set some boundaries. No talking about sex?"

"Um, talking about sex in general is usually okay. Sex jokes are actually pretty shuckin' funny sometimes. But the way you did it just then was... I don't know. Icky?"

"Okay, sure. Talk about it normally unless you're uncomfortable. Easy. What about with us? Where should I avoid when we're- Shit, do you hate kissing too? God, I'm so sorry." He looks at you worriedly. "Shuck, Y/n. We've been making out like, every day. You should've told me earlier. I'm so-"

"Minho, no, don't worry about that, it's okay. I actually... love kissing. Kissing you, I mean." You duck your head, blushing slightly. "Making out is fun most times too, but some days it's a lot. Tongues and stuff are... overwhelming sometimes. It depends on the day."

"Make sure you let me know, okay? Promise me."

"I promise," you say, smiling. "And with touching... normal contact is fine. It's good, actually. I love cuddling, and when you pull me in by the waist. And everything else too. I'll tell you if anything is bad."

"Okay." He reaches out to take your hand. "So we're all good?"

"We're all good."

"I love you."

You pull him closer by his shirt, and he melts against you as you kiss him.

"Love you too."

⭒----⭒

"Ooh, Y/n and Minho spent the night together," sings Ben when you walk out of the hut and move to the dining area. Keepers have their own huts, so you'd slept in Minho's that night.

You let out a laugh at what he's implying and grin at Newt's knowing smile.

You feel arms wrap around your waist as Minho walks up behind you. He presses a kiss on the top of your head and moves to get food.

When he returns, he hands you a plate of food, complete with your favourite fruits from the gardens, and slides into the seat next to you.

"Fuck," he hisses as he bumps his leg on the bench.

"Fuck indeed," says Ben with a shit-eating grin.

You snort. "Slim it, Ben." Newt rolls his eyes on your behalf.

"Well, how was it?" asks another boy, leaning in interestedly.

"A gentleman doesn't tell," comments Minho, pointing dramatically. "What happens behind closed doors..."

"So he was shit, wasn't he," says Ben to you.

You shrug. "Well, I'm very satisfied from last night."

You laugh at their supportive and slightly lewd cheers.

As Minho meets your eyes with a smile, you think back to last night.

You'd exchanged soft kisses and cuddled until you fell asleep wrapped up in his arms.

"Yeah, see? I'm fantastic in bed."

This is so lame idk how to end a fic besides 'i love you' like please be more imaginative

Edit: added a silly little scene at the end so it doesn't just end with ily

Anyways, thanks for reading!! Hope you enjoyed this one - another self-indulgent idea I needed to put out.

I want to note that for the depiction of asexuality and ace x non-ace couples, I'm writing based on my own experiences and what I would want in a relationship with a non-ace person. Everyone is different, and there's a whole ace spectrum of people who may not relate to all of this.

Requests are open as always, so if you have any ideas feel free to send an ask ❤

[floatyhands]

I heard somewere that you can't be middle class if youre POC. You will just be a POC who isn't in poverty but the middle class will never accept you as one of them. Like millionaire rappers arent seen as elite. Thoughts on that? Someone called me ghetto rich when I cakked myself middle class lmao. So harvey Dent as middle class POC who likes law enforcement just would not make sense on so many levls

Hi! Perhaps I should have phrased this better in the original post, but to me, a well-written Harvey doesn't exactly like law enforcement (and certainly doesn't like the corrupt state of the Gotham PD!) so much as he puts a lot of faith in Law and Order! TM and Justice! TM as a concept or ideal to strive for and also as something he can devote himself to as a coping mechanism for his mental health issues.

Now, as someone who is East Asian (that counts as POC, right?) but is part of the ethnic majority in my rather racially homogenised country, I don't think I'm in a good place to speak the effects of racialised policing or marginalisation on ethnic minorities' perception of law enforcement or the local justice system in where I live, let alone the US. (The general perception of law enforcement here, regardless of your race, trends negative.) Apologies in advance for any potential nuances I've missed.

What I will say is that POC is such a massively broad term that "you can't be middle class if you're POC" does not quite apply across the board. Like, sure, institutions will not treat you as middle class, but some POC will have an easier time conceiving of themselves as culturally and politically (rather than just economically) middle class, and have that affect their political values accordingly. Going off my conservative-leaning suburbanite Asian American aunt's unhinged Facebook posts, it is ABSOLUTELY possible for POC to internalise regressive political values typically associated with WASPs. That being said, thanks to a whole bunch of factors, an Asian American's experience with being middle class can be vastly different from African American or Hispanic and Latino Americans or Native American experiences, not to mention how colorism and religious intolerance might cause massive differences even among specific middle class POC communities

Currently, I have no solution to designing the backstory of my version of Harvey Dent. I realise that while I love the version I currently have visually, I didn't put enough effort into thinking about his backstory before drawing the design. I'll probably have to do more research.

I hope this makes sense, sorry.

[as8bakwthesage]

I don't know how common this is among fellow trans people who tend to have preferences for men in either sexual, romantic, or quasiplatonic ways, but as a trans person who has such preferences, I think I do struggle with some internalised transphobia.

Why do I say this? Because I've often wondered if I'd ever date a trans man. A part of thinks I would, but the other part of me thinks "...what if they don't have a penis?"

This is one of those topics that people have endless debates about, and I'm vocally on the side of the idea that "why should you care about the genitals someone has? Isn't there more to a relationship than just the sexual aspect of it?" And this just may also be my asexuality speaking, but that's a different conversation.

Regardless, I do say and believe that genitalia isn't important, but I also struggle with my own internal issues with dating trans people.

And what's weird is that the reason I've come around to the idea more and more of dating fellow trans people without penises is not because someone convinced me or because I did research on it.

It's just because I saw people making Medic, a character I self ship with, transgender.

I know that sounds super silly, but I think it's because I've already developed an attachment to the character and would be with him romantically in my fantasy world, that the idea of Medic being transgender doesn't make me uncomfortable or even uneasy. I just accept it and would kiss his silly face either way.

I am fully aware that this is probably just a "me" thing, but it's kind of nice how my self shipping habits have led me to having healthier relationships with myself and overcoming my own personal hurdles and internal issues.

So yeah, Medic is making me overcome my internalised transphobia, go figure. /lh

[vampirewillows]

Ik you said this ages ago and in the tags of a post, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on Rüdeger and his mental health

anon i'm down on one knee proposing rn thank you for sending this in

stray thoughts and ramblings (sorry if this is messy, it's getting to 6 am and i have Not slept):

i'm really curious as to how his identity interacts with his faith. from my understanding, monasteries were intended to be safe havens away from the secular world (my notes from a course on early mediaeval monasticism call them "a place where a life similar to that of the angels takes place, a harbour of calm that resists the storms of the world of outside") - and so he's in this space that's meant to be separated from "sin" but at the same time, he's living in it through his identity* and relationship (at least according to the institution he's a part of). i'd love to know how he views himself, the church, the concept of sin in the first place - like obviously he's terrified of anyone finding out about them, but from memory it's expressed more so as worry over mathieu? which in turn makes me wonder if that's because he's at peace with his own fate due to self-deprecating reasons and so doesn't bother worrying about himself (i'm sinful and will go to hell regardless but mathieu deserves better) or if he thinks there's nothing sinful about their relationship in the first place (and so persecuting mathieu, the man he loves, over it, is unfathomable and unfair) [*i'm aware that the concept of queerness as an identity is more contemporary, but i couldn't think of a better word]

also curious as to how he ended up at kiersau. we don't know his backstory - how'd he end up becoming a monk? did something happen to drive him towards it? is there a precedent for him running away from things (if andreas blackmails him and mathieu, he leaves, i think to protect mathieu)? inquiring minds would like to know

hc time: i think that the town turning on them in act II feels that much more terrifying because while they're not persecuting him because of his queerness, it's entirely likely that they/others would, if their relationship was revealed. so the whole thing is like a manifestation of his worst fears. no wonder he's upstairs having a panic attack

SPEAKING OF. anxiety girlie who gets panic attacks and self-soothes by singing. and i'm sure mathieu's presence calms him (doubly so because mathieu's probably the only person in his life who gets it. who understands him. who sees him without that act of perceiving being judgemental)

another question: what does rüdeger himself think of his mental health issues? we have the language to describe it now, with modern terms, but - and not to paint with a broad stroke - a 16th century monk probably wouldn't necessarily internalise something like a panic attack as being a health issue, but rather a spiritual affliction. which brings me back to wondering how he thinks of himself, and of god, and if it's possible he views his issues as a divine punishment (like how some fundies describe depression as like. being something given to them by the devil? that they can pray away?)

in my self-indulgent hc, he feels better after leaving kiersau. mathieu getting a big promotion probably brings new anxieties but at the same time, makes them just a bit more untouchable. also, if andreas was not an asshole about discovering them in the library, i feel that'd give him an opportunity to see that people can be good and understanding about him/them (though i also have a feeling that rüdeger is the type of person to believe the best about people, at least when's he's not actively spiralling. mathieu does describe him as "a gentle soul" and "a kind and thoughtful man")

that's all i have for now. i love him and mathieu so much, they deserve everything <3

[lorifragolina]

Trust

Written for @harringrovemovember Day 2 prompt: First time at therapy for Billy.

Rating: Teen and Up

Relationship: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove; El&Billy; Lucas & Billy

Tw: therapy, alcoholism, internalised homofobia

Words: 3822

Read it in AO3 (mistakes edited)

“I’ll go if you go”.

“But I don’t neet to…”

“Ok, so I will not go either”.

“But it’s free… you always tell me to take free stuff, why not now?”

“It’s… different. And I not need it. Final word”.

“But it’s free! And you need it!... You’re always yelling and fighting and sghutting doors and you’re so anxious, and I saw you crying in your…”

“You’re spying at me? You’re judging me?”

“No… I just care for you…”

“Well, ok… But don’t tell anyone. Anyone”

“Of course not. But you have to and trust me. You don’t trust anyone”.

“So I’ve been told I don’t trust anyone”.

“Seriously?”

“Please don’t be sarcastic, not now”.

“Ok, well, so you don’t think you have issues with trusting?”

“Of course not!”

“And who do you trust?”

“I trust you, of course”, said Billy, with a triumphant expression.

Lucas scoffed. “Ok, well, and who else? If you tell me two people more, I’ll agree with you”.

Now was Lucas’ turn to put on a triumphant expression. Billy looked at him with angry eyes.

“Let’s see… do you trust El?” Billy flickered his eyelashes. “Not to speak about Hopper. And what about…”

“No!” Billy stopped him raising his hand. He didn’t want to name that person in that discussion. “What is the problem to trust only a few people?”

“If there were a few… But you don’t trust anyone and push people away”.

Billy pouted.

“And talking with someone could be good for you”.

“I talked with your father!”

“I mean some professional. I’m not sure my father could do that much”.

Lucas sighed and looked intensely at Billy. 

They were at their isolated bench in the park - Billy tried to avoid the tought that was another problem of trust - and he was drinking coffee from his thermos. He was fucking craving for a beer. The worst thing was that Lucas knew it perfectly.

It was true Billy trusted Lucas. He found Billy in a winter night, completely drunk and freezing in his car, dangerously near to the quarry, and when he tried to talk with him he only could babbling things - scary things - and crying and yelling. He wasn’t at the edge of the cliff just because he could walk properly, and Lucas' heart sank in his chest for pity and fear.

“Come on. Get in the car, Billy. No, stop drinking” and he threw the remaining cans of beer, and the empty bottles of whisky. “Sit down. I’ll take care. Trust me, ok?”

And Billy did, probably because he was weak and confused. 

Lucas took the Camaro and drove it a little, just to come a little nearer to his house. Then dragged a not really collaborative Billy to his house, shushing him at every step, and managed to throw him on his bed without waking up anyone in the house. Billy at that point was just a heavy doll and he could take his shoes off and put him to sleep in his bed. 

He stayed in his armchair dozing and watching at him, cleaned his puke without a word and hid him in the bathroom when he needed it.

In the morning, when his family went to the church, he sneaked out and went to wake up, caffeinate and send Billy away. 

Billy was just hanging over, he was crying and shaking and didn’t understand why Lucas had been so kind with him.

“I couldn’t let you freeze in your car” , Lucas simply said. Billy never asked him what he was doing at the quarry at that moment, but he was grateful. Lucas said, trust me, and he didn’t report him to his parents or the police. 

And Lucas kept being loyal to him. He never exposed him, not even with Max. He kept asking discreetly how’s Billy doing and fuck, Billy wasn’t used to kindness and he started talking with him. Slowly trusting him.

He recognized he “probably” was drinking too much, that he tried to escape his fear and sadness and anguish in the bottom of a bottle and that he was incapable of controlling it. Lucas convinced him to talk with his father, and it helped, but Billy couldn’t really confess to Reverend Sinclair why he was so scared, angry and upset to drink too much.

“I’m a fag” he spat a day, in the same secret bench in the park, tormenting hangnails on his fingers. Lucas took his hand to stop him doing this. 

“It´s ok”, said Lucas, hiding his surprise or whatever Billy though he could thinking about him. Nothing changed. Lucas kept talking with him, seeing him secretly, and most important he never, never told his secret to anyone, neither to Max. Billy confessed he liked a boy, without saying his name, but Lucas wasn’t stupid, and nonetheless he never talked or did anything, ever a mock, when Steve was around.

So he won Billy’s trust. It took time, and it was precious, but it wasn’t enough.

Billy kept thinking about an ice cold beer in his mouth.

“Someone you can open up with entirely. A professional that…” insisted Lucas.

“I understand”, Billy interrupted him nervously. “You too think I have to tell my things to a complete stranger…”

“To help you”, Lucas took his hand. Billy was always amazed that Lucas didn’t fear touching him, in case he could pass him his queerness, as people said to him back in California. “El offered to go with you. She wants to help too. You need to trust people and let them help you”.

Billy sighed.

“You go first”.

“No, you go first so you can’t run away”.

“Ok fine”. Billy grunted, throwing away the cig - he already finished two packets and it was only 4 pm- and he let El enter the community center. 

They waited a little, in the tiny room where wall signs explained the government program of mental healt for teens, then the therapist invided Billy to enter.

After about an hour he came out, a little pale, and sat again at El’s side without a word. She didn’t talk either, and then the therapist called her inside too.

When she came out too, they leaved in silence, then sat in silence in the car.

“So how’s going?” asked El.

“I don’t.. I don’t know” answered Billy.

“So, Billy, why did you came here today?”

“I… my friend forced me… I mean, she… think I need it”.

“Why, Billy? Why do you think you need this?”

Billy stayed silent for a while. He didn’t know, really. He only knew what El and Lucas were saying, and he didn’t know if he even agreed.

“They say I don’t trust anybody. And… maybe I like to drink”.

The therapist nodded, and smiled. 

“Really… I don’t remember much of what we said”, confessed Billy to El, before starting the car. It was intense, despite the firm will of Billy to remain skeptical, but he couldn't recall very much at the moment.

El clinked her purse. “I can buy you an ice cream,” she said, with a serious face.

“There’s no need” smiled Billy, and finally started the car.

They stopped at a stoplight.

“You know, El… thank you” Billy said in a really low voice. El just nodded. 

Billy squeezed the wheel and sighed again. 

“I’m gay” he threw out.

“I don’t know if… if they would stay with me if they… knew everything”.

“Why?”

“They maybe don’t like who… what I am”.

He wasn’t brave enough to say what he was to the therapist, but he knew perfectly. His father’s hate. He wasn’t the person he wanted, and maybe his friends would hate him in the same way. That, he said to the therapist.

“Billy, you have a job and a place for yourself, you worked hard and you’re doing pretty well. Do you really want to pretend with people to make them like you?”

“I don’t… I don’t know”.

“Maybe you have to select people you can trust and that can appreciate you for who you are, don’t you think?”

“I’m gay”.

“Me too” answered El, looking in front of her, completely naturally.

“What are you saying, El?”

“Yes, I’m glad we could… oh” El suddenly stop, blushing a little. “You mean… you like boys, right?”

Billy was smling against his will. He nodded. 

“Ok” continued El. “It’s not important, I think”.

Billy smiled, relieved. El was really naive, sometimes, and she probably didn’t know what it really meant and she wasn’t spoiled by the common opinion, but he was happy he could tell it to her. 

They kept going to therapy, Billy was sure El didn’t really need it but she insisted to go with him, and he felt protected with her outside the therapist study. 

Every Thursday he left Max at home at 4, went to pick up El for the therapy at 4.30. Sometimes he listened to Max ranting because El wasn’t available to play with her, and he knew for sure she didn't sell him out even to her best friend.

She tried every time to buy ice cream for him, he didn’t let her pay but enjoyed the sweet treat with her. It was pretty intense every time, he had difficulties remembering what they said in the session right before it, sometimes he went out really sad and upset, but he knew it was part of the process. He stayed awake in the night recalling what the therapist said to him, and he felt like a hole in his chest, like a hole in the road waiting to be fixed, they’d eventually fill it up and fix the road, but in the meantime it was barely cover with a plastic and you could see all the broken pieces into it. 

He felt better, not good yet, but better. He could share some little things to El during their ice creams and Lucas was happy for him too.

El sometimes shared things with him, in return. She wasn’t always comfortable with the others because she didn’t understand them every time, but now she felt a little more confident telling them how she was feeling. 

A month or so had passed, and they were laughing at sillinesses out of the ice cream parlor. El took Billy’s hand returning to the car, she didn’t mind showing him affection…

“What are you doing!” Screamed Max, coming in the street with Lucas at her side. She wanted to go to the library that day, and tried to convince El to go with her, obviously without success.

Billy suddenly stopped and blushed, while El didn’t let his hand go. 

“You’re dating her?” Max kept screaming. “What are you doing with her? Are you grooming her?”

“Max…”

“You make me sick, and you… you lied to me!” She pointed Max with her finger.

“No, I said I can’t play with you today” replied El.

“To go out with him” she pointed to Billy too. “She’s my age! She’s fifteen! You’re disgusting”.

“Max, we are not…”

“You make me sick! You’re a pervert!”

Lucas was silent at her side, looking at Billy's face. Billy was looking on the ground, upset and incapable to stop Max’s words.

“Maw, I…”

“No! I don’t want to talk with you, never! You’re gross!” She grabbed El but she resisted.

“Max, stop!” Yelled El, wriggling out.

“We’re not dating, Max! We’re just friends!”

“Bullshit, you can’t be friend with her, you don’t have enough bitches…”

“Max, stop!” Esclaimed finally Lucas. “Stop being stupid! Let them alone!”

“You? Are you defending him? Are you at his side?”

Billy raised his eyes and looked at Lucas.

Of course not, I’m at no one side…  he could perfectly imagine the diplomatic answer Lucas was about to say.

“Of course I’m at his side, Max, you’re attacking him!”

Billy opened his mouth with great surprise. Lucas was at his side, openly. Really Lucas has always been at his side lately, but he wasn’t prepared anyway.

“But he is grooming our friend!” Yelled Max again.

“No I’m not!” Billy could finally interrupt her. He looked intesely Lucas in the face, then, with difficulties, he looked at Max.

“And don’t you think it’s not your fault if someone don’t like you?”

“I… I’m not sure…” Billy was a little confused, and besides, the talk that day was  difficult, they were talking about Billy’s family and his father in particular. 

“You don’t have to fulfill others' expectations. You know that your father treated you… poorly because he certainly expected things from you. His desires aren’t your fault and his judgements aren’t your fault. You can decide not to charge with the guilt, Billy”.

Billy looked at his hands, tears in his eyes, and sighed.

“She’s… she comes with me to a… place” he murmured, and Lucas gasped. Max was clueless, and didn’t appear less angry. “I go… I go to therapy. At the community center. El comes with me… so I can’t run away”.

Max gasped a couple of times. She didn’t expect it. It was evident that neither Lucas or El had betrayed him. He looked at Lucas’ face and decided he was ready. It wouldn’t be his fault if Max wouldn't accept him.

“And I’m not dating El. I couldn’t”, he felt El stiffen at his side. “I’m gay, Max”.

“Billy!” Said Lucas.

Max stayed silent a few seconds, considering Billy’s words and their implications. She slowly turned to Lucas.

“Did you know? Shit, you both knew!” 

Her face turned red, she was shaking and her voice was broken with fury.

“You both knew! You are my best friend” she pointed El, “and you…”

“Max, it wasn’t our secret to tell!” Lucas lively interrupted her.

“You kept a secret to me!”

Lucas had a sad expression on his face. Billy was speechless, he obviously trusted Lucas, but he never considered Max and her reactions. Lucas adored Max, practically he worshiped her, but now he firmly reiterated his loyalty to Billy. He preferred the possibility to ruin things with Max than betray him. He felt he didn’t deserve it, and his eyes filled up with tears.

Lucas and El tried to speak to Max, but she kept shaking and stopped them with a gesture.

“No, I hate you! I hate you all!”.

She went a few steps far.

“I… I don’t…”

“Don’t worry, Billy. She’s being dramatic” said Lucas sadly, trying a little smile to comfort him. Max turned to them and said Lucas lightly touching Billy’s arm, and Billy with his head low, and his hands clenching, like when… and she finally got it.

“Billy…” They jumped because they didn’t see her coming again. Billy was so close to tears. 

“Billy, it’s… it’s for this your father was… so furious with you?” She whispered, unable to look him in the face.

Billy nodded. 

“I’m so… sorry” she continued, looking at him finally. Billy pursed his lips, trying to swallow his commotion. He smiled, and nodded to her

“Can I… can I…” Max tried to get near, but both hadn't had a great experience hugging. It was a clumsy, uncertain hug, but it was sincere, and Billy instantly decided that he wanted to trust Max, completely.

In the first part of his life, Billy wasn’t really lucky with the consequences of his decisions. More than once, reality slapped him in his face, ruining his planes and fucking up with his wishes. But somehow he felt that now he was walking on the right path and his decisions were more contemplated and the consequences more positive. He didn’t regret giving his trust to Max, she kept the secret for herself, although she surely didn’t guess for whom he had a crush, and became supportive for his therapy. She knew he got really tired after a session, so sometimes she left a packet of homemade cookies and a bottle of lemonade on his trailer’s porch. She  even asked politely how he felt and tried not to be too bossy with El and Max. Billy looked to his friends and family and could see things going really smoother.

“I’ll go home soon. I’m a little tired”. Billy clinked the ice in his soda. He was really, really dreaming for a beer and happily drunk people in the bar didn’t help him. He didn’t really talk about the alcohol in therapy, but he was trying to avoid drinking, and it was really exhausting. His mind kept going there, when he was at home, he kept thinking of going to the store and buying a six pack, when he was outside, like in that moment at the Hideout, he kept thinking to simply ask for one at the bar. Moreover, it was Thursday and he felt wrecked for the last session. 

“Yeah, you look tired lately” grinned Steve, sipping his beer without noticing the craving look of the other. “You have some new girl in hand, right?” He nudged him a little, with a sly look, but Billy stuck to a little smile.

“I’ll go soon too, I’ll see Jeanie later…” insisted Steve, and again Billy grinned a little smile, avoiding his eyes. 

“What’s the name, Hargrove?Or… she’s one of that girls you just screw and keep hide to your friends?”

Billy sighed. He’d really gulp a whole beer in his throat and just get drunk and avoid thinking and struggling.

“You need to convince yourself you deserve the best, Billy. You should say it to your friends, right? So why you shouldn’t deserve the best for yourself?”

“I… I don’t know, some people are better than me…”

“This is not true, Billy, you’re perfectly fine just the way you are. You have to understand that you’re not responsible for what other people think about you, but you’re responsible of what you think or do. You have to understand what works for you and go for it. If keeping secrets makes you feel afrad, just stop keeping secrets”.

“But… what if some people go away?”

“So they don’t deserve your time, Billy. Well, think about it as a homework for the next week, would you?”

Billy nodded and scribbled a note in the little notebook he started to use in the sessions. It helped him to remember and consider.

Think abt w. Deserve my time, he wrote in the notebook.

He hung out every now and then with Steve at the Hideout on Thursdays, sometimes they listen to the band playing, or more often they drink a couple beers together after going to their dates. Well, Billy hadn’t dated really, but he kept the part with Steve, while he was shaking internally for the mere proximity of his eternal crush. He clearly didn’t move on from high school, and he kept blushing when he went to rent some movies.

He went that Thursday, after therapy and ice cream, to return The Princess Bride and was thinking about renting Ladyhawke again, because he needed a good cry and Rutger Hauer, but Steve was at the desk just about to end his shift, and he couldn’t say no to hangout with him.

“So what’s the name, Hargrove, come on!” The music was loud and the voices started raising. He turned a last time the empty glass. 

“You see, Steve… ‘m not seeing a girl. In fact… I’m going to therapy. I just went this afternoon, and for this I’m really tired”.

He talked firmly, with a little low voice that forced Steve getting a little closer to him, making his heart racing.

Now Steve was looking at him with steely eyes. Billy knew what he was thinking, therapy is for mad people, so he must be crazy or dangerous or weird.

Losing Steve, it would hurt, but he tried to convice himself that his friends had to accept him just the way he was, or just going away.

“And… Steve… There are no girls. Never been. I’m… I like boys” he lowered both his voice, and his eyes. “I like you”.

Steve freeze during a large second. Billy could hear just a buzz in his head and he couldn’t decide if he had been more impulsive or stupid. He had clearly pushed Steve away, but he was tired of that little game, tired to lie. He expected nothing from Steve, but he was tired of hiding himself in the closet.

Steve didn’t react, so Billy collected his jacked and turned to go away.

Steve grabbed his hand.

“Billy, no… don’t go. You’re… so brave” Steve said, circling his palm with the thumb, absent mindely, almost automatically.

Billy lingered to the touch, swallowing butterflies. But he freed his hand and went outside, followed by Steve. He grabbed again his hand in the parking.

“Billy wait! Don’t you want to… to talk about it’?”

“No… not really… I’m tired”. Billy sighed, vaguely disappointed, but ready to cope with the consequences.

“Billy, please…” Steve cicled again his palm. He got nearer. “You were… you are so brave…” he repeated. “I wish I was half brave than you…” murmured Steve.

“What?”

“I don’t… I don’t have a date either… it’s a long time I don’t have a date… I wanted just… just… ”

Billy nodded. To maintain appearances. To match with others’ expectations.

“I like you too, Billy”.

Billy thought he got momentarily deaf and blind, because he couldn’t believe what he heard and he lost vision for a second. He tried to say something, but he realized that he lost his voice too.

Steve was nearer, and warmer, now. 

“Can I…” he smiled, staring at Billy’s lips.

Billy nodded, because he honestly couldn’t do anything else

And Steve kissed him. He closed his eyes, breathing rapidly near his face, and then leaned his lips on Billy’s lips, so soft and shy he wasn’t sure they were there for real.

It wasn’t a movie kiss like Billy always imagined. It wasn’t desperate and hungry and hot, no, it was delicate and sweet like a butterfly wing, lighly touching his lips, matching with the sweet butterflies in his stomach.

And it was perfect.

Next thing he knew, he was lying on Steve’s bare chest, under a heavy, warm blanket on Harrington’s sofa, with the TV talking quietly in the room. 

They went to Steve’s house, and yes, they kissed and touched and roughly take off clothes, but then stopped and hugged and lied together in the sofa, talking sweetly and disclosing things.

It was enough for Billy. They just covered them with the blanket, he kissed Steve’s neck, and chest, and simply rest his head on him. Steve hugged him firmly and caressed his head, driving him to sleep unnoticed.

Billy closed his eyes, and felt he deserved all this. That it was his worth, and Steve deserved it too. 

He fell asleep like a baby, tightened in a trust hug, in the arms of the man he loved.

[wheelie-hurting]

I feel like I have internalized ableism and I don't know who else to talk about it. I know cripple punk is all about rejecting the narrative of what a "good" disabled person is and that's really what I'm struggling with right now.

I feel like I have to constantly prove to myself and able-bodied people that I'm always doing the right thing or following the right regiment. I'm doing my physical therapy, I'm avoiding caffeine for my POTS, I'm following an anti-inflammatory diet, yadda yadda. I think a part of me feels that maybe the ableds will "accept" me when they see all my effort or offer me a seat at the table or something.

A few weeks ago one of my coworkers, who also has POTS, drank two Monsters and then had a POTS episode. They may have been correlated. They may also have not. But I of course made assumptions and jumped to conclusions and I am so ashamed of the things that ran through my head when this happened to my coworker. I was SO smug and self-righteous. I thought to myself, "well what did they expect drinking that much caffeine? Of course their negligence would have consequences." I was just SO unsympathetic. Like what the fuck is wrong with me? Do I think mentally berating other disabled people will win me the approval of able-bodied people?q

Tldr; how do I stop my internalized ableism? It's harming the way I view myself and other disabled people. Also you don't owe me an answer if it is too mentally or physically taxing.

yeah it’s not fun to have those thoughts but ngl it’s not harming them as long as ur only thinking it, and not saying it to them. might be my low empathy speaking but yeah. i do however thing that u probably would benefit by working through those thoughts and “beliefs” for your own sake as well as others.

i don’t know if i have any advice because since i have low empathy i tend to not care much about other people but myself, so i kind of have a “mind my own business” mindset lol. i don’t really care what other ppl do, sure i judge ppl sometimes but i usually don’t say anything. but i guess it is important to learn how to accept that other people can do whatever they want, no matter how it’ll affect them. it takes time and practice, if you notice yourself having those thoughts towards another disabled person, try thinking “that is their life, they can do whatever they want to” or something.

when it comes to internalised ableism towards yourself i think the same applies, but since i kind of have a distorted sense of self importance due to my npd i don’t have much issue with it💀 practice acceptance, things are the way they are, you do what you can, and your are allowed to to what you want and need.

[tenspontaneite]

Assembly (Chapter 5/?)

“Tomorrow,” they murmur, full of a dread and hope that seem wont to choke them. “Tomorrow, SRS-02 should be complete. And the day after that…”

“We go,” Spearmaster signs.

Suns offers a very slight nod. “We will go.”

(Chapter length: 6k. Link to ao3 with workskin)

---

When Spearmaster finds her, she spends only a few moments wary before she sees who it is.

She harrumphs, and sits back on her haunches to begin to talk. “Oh, it is only you, strange one,” she says, easy and fluent with her Movespeak in a way that Spearmaster will probably never be. She eyes its new poncho with narrow-eyed interest. “Masters Spears. Were you searching for me on purpose?”

“Learns,” it greets, and has to suppress its nod. She wouldn’t understand it, anyway. “Yes. I searched.”

This slugcat has always been very direct. She does not waste words. “Why?”

It tries not to tense. “I need ask help from you.”

 [LIVE BROADCAST] PRIVATE Seven Red Suns, No Significant Harassment

SRS: Oh. Spearmaster left my can.

NSH: …Is that unusual?

SRS: No. But it usually tells me first, especially if it might be gone for days. And we’re going to be installing SRS-02, soon…I thought it would want to be around for that.

SRS: …

NSH: Maybe it’s only clearing its mind.

NSH: We did have kind of an emotionally trying day yesterday, and all that.

SRS: Yes.

SRS: …I hope it’s okay.

NSH: Send an overseer after it, just to keep an eye on it. It can’t have gone far.

SRS: I think it deserves time alone to think, if that is why it went out.

SRS: I’ll just wait, for now.

SRS: How are you doing, after yesterday?

NSH: As well as can be expected, really.

NSH: …I do wish you could be here already, though. My self-forks did their best to keep me company, but it feels strange with them, when they’re so new and struggling to consolidate their identities as is.

NSH: I’m wary of pushing my own personal issues onto them. They’re already mostly me, so it feels like they’re at serious risk of internalising anything new that happens to…well, me.

SRS: …A very strange issue. I would be concerned as well, in your place.

SRS: …

SRS: It won’t be long, now, until I can be there.

NSH: Yeah. I know.

 Spearmaster is timid, speaking with others of its kind. It never knows what to say, or how to behave. It ought to be better this time, because it knows exactly what it has come for, and has good arguments pre-prepared. And yet…Learner is a very no-nonsense, straightforward sort of creature. She has always made it a little nervous.

“What kind of friend do you have that could need help?” She demands, which doesn’t help its anxiety. “Don’t you live alone up in the giant structure with the Great Mind?”

“Yes,” it agrees, and hesitates. “I want ask help for the Great Mind.”

She stares, and flicks an ear, then draws close to sniff it over for signs of infirmity. In what Spearmaster has learned is fairly standard behaviour for their kind, she then reaches up and grabs its head between her paws, bapping it several times over the face while she chitters. Suns might say, what in the saints’ names are you talking about? But this is a slugcat, and their incredulity is considerably more tactile.

Its ears twitch with each pat, and it endures a rapid series of five opinionated slaps to the side of its snout before it pushes her paws away. “Serious!” It insists, perturbed, and reiterates. “Help for my Great Mind. Please.”

“It is a Great Mind! What could it possibly need help with, much less from me?” It’s a fair enough question, honestly. Slugcats on the whole know very little about iterators, but they do know that they are huge and powerful. The needs of one must seem incomprehensible, to a creature who was not born within one.

Spearmaster has the answer, though. It has it all prepared. “Soon, I travel,” it says, now a little more confident, because this at least is rehearsed. “I go away, maybe for long time. My Great Mind is lonely when I gone. Learner go visit it?”

She stares at Spearmaster unblinking for several long seconds. “You want me to keep your Great Mind company to stop it from getting lonely?” She questions, incredulous, then reaches out to express the sentiment through face-papping again. “Are you quite mad?”

“Not mad,” Spearmaster says crossly, pushing her paw away, and then: “You are Learns. Name for reason, yes? My Great Mind likes talk. Likes…teach things. Visit it! Visit Politely. It teach you.”

As expected, that is a very compelling thing to say to a slugcat who named herself Learner. “What things does it know?” She asks, warily. “Can it speak to me?”

“Yes, it speaks. It knows: many, many. Knows secrets of Old Dragons. Secrets of world.” It stares at her, expectant.

She stamps a foot on the ground, contemplative. “I do like the secrets of the world and dragons,” she muses.

Spearmaster is quite sure that it has already won. No need to convince her further. “I travel after some rain days,” it offers helpfully. “Maybe three. Maybe four. Visit after?”

“Are you very sure the Great Mind will not kill me for intruding?” Learner asks, suspiciously.

“Very, very,” Spearmaster assures. “If you do visiting Politely.”

She twitches as she thinks. “I am not saying yes,” she warns, although she is definitely saying yes and will not resist the sweet call of knowledge, “But, tell me the Rules of Politeness for the Great Mind. In the case that I go.”

It considers it. “Rules of Politeness: Do not harm Great Mind. Do not break things inside Great Mind. Do not steal things inside Great Mind. Do not eat things inside Great Mind.”

Learner flicks her ears forwards in acknowledgement, absorbing the words. “I am going to see my pups’ colony, and will be gone some rain days. But after that, I will see.”

“Thanking you,” Spearmaster says, and helpfully extrudes a spear for her as a gift before it leaves. She will not appreciate being delayed any longer, and it must hurry if it wants to get home before the rains come.

 [LIVE BROADCAST] PRIVATE Seven Red Suns, No Significant Harassment

SRS: Alright, Spearmaster came home safely, just before the rain. What a relief.

NSH: Oh, good. It just needed to take a little excursion, then?

SRS: I suppose? It wouldn’t say why it left.

SRS: Except it was strangely insistent about explaining wild slugcat body language to me, afterwards.

NSH: In what way?

SRS: Apparently they have a tendency to be very tactile in conversation, and you shouldn’t take being gently slapped or grabbed at as an attack or impoliteness. It was very, very clear that I should not be offended if a slugcat slaps me respectfully on the face.

SRS: I admit, I am truly not sure where that explanation came from. Or why it felt it was necessary.

NSH: …All I can guess was that it met another of its kind while it was out and got ‘politely’ slapped around a bit.

NSH: What interesting social dynamics. I wonder what it looks like when a group of them interact?

SRS: Probably very animated, I imagine.

 It will take three more days to complete the AMP for SRS-02. Seven Red Suns plans to leave the day after successful installation of the AOS. Accordingly, they begin to enter final preparations.

All of their selected data go onto pearls, carefully packed away. They tuck a few discreet, colourful pots into their bag. And they start to tidy things up around their superstructure.

“This is unnecessary, you know,” their puppet says, a little amused, as SRS-01 inspects the corners of the chamber narrowly for decorating opportunities. “Soon, SRS-02 will be online, and they will be staying here to take care of such things. You don’t need to do this.”

“Forgive me, but as I’m disconnected right now, I can safely say that yes I do,” SRS-01 objects, and ignores themself. “I will be dissatisfied to leave the can and keep thinking about this or that banner I should have put up.”

“But decorating the chamber, really?” They fold their arms, sceptical. “It seems a little impractical. We use these walls, you know. If we cover them up too much we will lose projection space. And extensive hangings will interfere with operations around the available area.”

“Well then take it down, if you find it’s getting in the way,” SRS-01 says irritably, and pulls themself towards the exit. “You’re a perfectly capable iterator, that’s within your power. I’ll be back shortly.”

And so they go out and return again, armed with several of the longer, slimmer scarf-like wall drapes with weighted grains sewn invisibly around the edges, and trailing ornaments and beads depending from the embroidered edges.

“There. These are low profile enough that they shouldn’t get in the way overmuch. Now make yourself useful and give me some lift.”

Their puppet sighs, but obliges, and lifts them around the upper corners of the chamber while they aggressively and passive-aggressively decorate the vicinity. Later, when they’re done with the room and re-integrate with themself, they feel a little embarrassed about the whole thing.

It’s not terribly like them, to snipe at themselves like this. But they are…under pressure, in a sense.

Soon, they will leave their can, and that idea is making them increasingly nervous. After all, no matter what happens beyond their walls…it will be a momentous occasion for them. Out there, everything will be new. It is as frightening as it is exciting, and Suns has been safe – trapped, but safe – for so very long. The immediate prospect of breaking that stasis is more stressful than they anticipated, and it’s hard not to take it out on…well, themselves.

“I do hope this isn’t a herald of how we’ll behave with our friends, when things get a little tense,” SRS-01 remarks to their puppet later, a little glumly.

“Let us be honest with ourselves, here: we have always had a sharp tongue.” Their puppet grimaces, as best their unarticulated face can. “For all that Sig says we’re kinder now, I don’t think that has especially changed. We’ve just grown better at restraining it around others.”

Yes, that tends to happen when your careless words and actions lead to the destruction of people you love, they both think, but do not speak. “Better than nothing, I suppose,” SRS-01 concedes, and then leaves to start decorating more of the can. Spearmaster, once it wakes up and figures out what is going on, becomes an eager accomplice.

They drape the most-trafficked halls with colour and fabric and dangling ornaments, then retire for a nice afternoon of painting together in a pre-decided stretch of boring wall. Out of whimsy, Suns paints the extinct gold lizard; Spearmaster sees what they are doing and paints a lizard-like thing as well, but theirs has wings.

When Suns questions them, astonished at this remarkably sound depiction of an extinct true dragon, they learn a little more than they had expected about slugcat mythology.

 [LIVE BROADCAST] PRIVATE Seven Red Suns, No Significant Harassment

SRS: Did you know that slugcats think that the People were dragons? As in, descendants of actual winged true dragons.

NSH: …Are you serious?? That’s amazing. What gave them that idea?

SRS: It’s not too far-fetched, actually. They see all the paintings and statues, and as you know the People were decidedly reptilian, especially with some of the popular mask designs. It doesn’t seem much of a stretch when you think about it that way.

SRS: What’s more entertaining, I think, is that they assume that the People are all gone because they lineaged badly and became lizards. If I’m understanding Spearmaster correctly, the Movespeak word for ‘lizard’ is actually ‘dragon’.

NSH: Oh my iterating hells, can you imagine? Our self-obsessed People falling to that sort of low? Incredible. They’d be frothing at the mouth at the very idea.

SRS: Undoubtedly. I’m sure many would consider it blasphemy.

SRS: It’s interesting how they’re not entirely wrong. The People and the true dragons do share common ancestors. And lizards are the last surviving family of that whole branch.

SRS: Though I suppose you’d know much more about that than me. How extensive are those databanks of yours, then?

NSH: Extensive enough that I have genome blueprints for actual true dragons~

SRS: Really! That’s shocking. Didn’t they go extinct before you were even constructed?

NSH: Yes, but I was quite dedicated to expanding my gene banks when I was new. I was so eager to get to work. Good thing too! I have blueprints for countless extinct species on record. I’ve got things archived that half the world has forgotten.

SRS: Like dragons.

NSH: Like dragons.

SRS: …

SRS: I will be honest, I am extremely surprised you never made one.

NSH: Oh I tried.

NSH: My administrators expressly forbade me from finishing. Later, Moon forbade me too.

NSH: It’s always ‘think about the repercussions, Sig’, ‘they could cause actual noteworthy damage to your superstructure, Sig’ and never ‘that sounds like a lot of fun, Sig, you should definitely try it!’ Everyone likes to ruin my fun.

SRS: I am more glad than ever that Moon was appointed the local senior.

NSH: Now you’re just making me think I should hurry up and make a dragon before we get her back in contact again.

SRS: No Significant Harassment. I say this in the strongest possible terms: No. That would be a terrible idea.

NSH: I make no promises~

SRS: ….

NSH: Oh, relax, I wouldn’t actually do it. The vultures are going to be hard enough to deal with while we’re travelling, we don’t want the People’s ancestral predator in the mix too.

NSH: Besides, they’re very large. I definitely don’t have the resources to make one right now. Even if I hypothetically wanted to.

SRS: I truly worry about you sometimes, Sig.

 “Oh now, that does have gravitas,” SRS-01 says admiringly, after prodding their greater self to modify the lighting in the puppet chamber. “Darker and red like this, it truly does have more of the ambience of the Cathedral. Do you think you could program a sort of shifting tiled pattern, as if light through stained glass?”

“You are going to make us as obsessed with appearances as the People, at this rate,” their puppet complains, but, noticeably, does immediately start tinkering with the projections and lighting. Part-formed patterns start shifting in subtle colours over the chamber walls; a work in progress.

“You know very well that you’re enjoying it as much as me.” They watch with satisfaction, nodding as the light shifts into myriad flecks of subtly different hue, projected over the muted reds of the chamber walls. It looks very much like the dappled, colourful lighting of the cathedral’s stained glass.

“It’s really quite lovely, isn’t it,” their puppet says despairingly, watching the shifting light. “Have we always been this vain?”

SRS-01 considers it. “Yes, perhaps, only without an outlet to express it properly, or the outside impetus to do so,” they decide, and shrug. “Honestly though, Spearmaster is right. This isn’t only our body, it’s our living space too. There’s nothing wrong about making it suit us, or letting us enjoy how we look – puppet or AMP or interior, we should present ourselves how we please.”

“Nothing wrong with it, perhaps,” Suns admits. “But it’s terribly indulgent, all the same.”

“That’s certainly true.” They ruminate on the idea for the space of a few seconds, then conclude “I think Sig is rubbing off on us, though, because I really can’t bring myself to care that much.” From their greater self’s long-suffering sigh, they clearly agree. “Now then. Let’s consider our puppet itself. Is now the time to finally get out the ritual clothes?”

“I really don’t know about that.”

SRS-01 shrugs and accepts it. They’re the same person, of course, so they know the feeling: the ritual clothes are…special occasion wear. It feels uncomfortably like making light of it to make them part of a standard wardrobe. “Very well. Let’s just print out some of the more elaborate silk robe designs in your size, then, and you can change between them as you please.”

“That will do,” says the puppet, resigned. “But let’s not go too far.”

SRS-01 politely does not point out how unlikely they are to hold to any sort of restraint in this regard, and goes on their way. Within a day, they are proven right: their puppet is clothed in some exceptionally beautiful robes, their selfling has taken an outing with Spearmaster to raid Septkai for jewellery, and they’re both accessorised to the fullest extent of their aesthetics.

“I can’t bring myself to regret this,” Suns despairs, flicking their puppet’s left antenna to feel the jewellery move on it. “I really can’t.”

Their selfling, who has availed themself of their own delicate ornamented chains, nods with sympathetic amusement. It might not be the spread of six antennae that their mural depicts, but the chains – affixed near the tips of their antennae and then hanging to their bases in turn – really do suit them far too well to deny. “Now let’s only avoid covering ourselves head to toe in jewels and chains, and we will be fine,” they say.

Suns makes a grumpy noise in agreement. For all that their sense of personal style and aesthetics is running rampant at the moment, the sheer maximalist chaos of Person fashions towards the end might be going a little far.

“Cheer up,” SRS-01 encourages. “Imagine the reactions of our friends when they see us. It ought to be terribly entertaining.”

They consider that. “We truly have been spending far too much time talking to Sig.”

“Probably, yes,” they agree, and head for the chamber exit. “I’m off to see if Spearmaster wants any jewellery. Have fun supervising the final AMP construction stages.”

In the end, Spearmaster chooses a sturdy little amulet of a stylised sun, on a far less delicate chain than the ones Sun is wearing. They tuck its back into the folds of its poncho, the amulet providing a simple bit of ornamentation over their sternum. It’s terribly cute.

“I really should be more embarrassed by all of this,” their selfling muses, observing themself from the superstructure cameras with rueful pleasure.

“Useless,” Spearmaster denies, as cheerful an enabler as ever. “It makes you happy. That is what is important.”

Suns pets its velvety little head, fond. “If you say so.”

 [LIVE BROADCAST] PRIVATE Seven Red Suns, No Significant Harassment

SRS: The AMP is nearly done.

SRS: Soon it will be time for me – my selfling – to leave.

NSH: Exciting! Are you all ready?

SRS: Theoretically. I have everything packed, at any rate, and I’ve been taking care of some things around my can.

NSH: How are you feeling about it?

SRS: …

SRS: I’ll be honest, I’m very nervous.

SRS: It’s such a gift that I’ll have the chance to leave my superstructure in some form at all, and I’m truly excited to meet you in person.

SRS: But the prospect of going out there…it’s frightening. Is it similar for you?

NSH: No, I can’t really relate, honestly.

NSH: As you know, I took my selfling to the surface at more or less the first opportunity. I didn’t especially want to wait to see what it was like.

SRS: It’s the change that’s unsettling me, I think. For all that I’ve always wished I could leave my can to see things for myself, it’s more daunting than I expected to have to face such a new world after all these cycles.

SRS: Aren’t you nervous at all to set out in earnest? For more than just a brief trip out, I mean. It’s going to be so different to anything we’ve ever known.

NSH: No, the unknown aspect of it doesn’t bother me. I just find that exciting, even if it is dangerous.

NSH: …I’m mostly concerned about what we’ll find when we get to our friends’ retaining wall. I don’t think it’s going to be good. I don’t know what kind of state they must be in, by now.

SRS: Yes. I’m worried about that, too.

 Suns has been trying very hard not to think about the state of Five Pebbles and Looks to the Moon. With all of the distractions and personal development of late, they’ve been almost successful, for once.

Almost.

The conversation with Sig brings it all back into focus. They worry about Moon, stuck in that broken chamber, with only a handful of neurons to her name. What if she loses them? What if something eats them? A lone puppet, with none of their defences active…she couldn’t do a thing to protect herself, like that. She is so, so very unsafe.

…And Pebbles.

With their selfling connected, every thinking part of Seven Red Suns falls idle into regret. If only they had done something, anything, different…

But that’s futile, isn’t it. That thought is why they developed the AOS in the first place, for hope of putting a part of themself out into the world where it can make a difference. Surely, surely, in person…Five Pebbles will respond differently. Suns can respond differently, and not just drown him in their own sanctimony yet again. He was so angry, at that last message…

“Sun unhappy?” Spearmaster asks, and with a start their selfling body realises it has gone still and subdued with the rest of themself. Their antennae are drooping, too, in that reflexive expressiveness that was programmed into their puppet first, and then their AMP in turn. “What is wrong?”

“It’s alright,” they say, in the end. “I’m just…thinking about Five Pebbles.”

Its ears flatten back. After the response he gave it once, and then the injury he offered the next time, Spearmaster has been nursing a quiet and pronounced dislike for him ever since. “Oh. Him.” It doesn’t look pleased. “Angry one.”

“Yes.” They lift their eyes to the grey metal ceiling. “I know you dislike him. You have every reason to – he treated you poorly, and you only the messenger. You didn’t deserve that. But…he is my friend, nonetheless, no matter what he thinks of me now. And I worry about him.”

Spearmaster hesitates. “Inside him,” it says, cautiously. “He was not like you, not like your other friend. Damaged. Something evil growing inside.”

“Yes. I know.” A careful pause, to collect themself. “That is the rot. It was created by a mistake on his part, though I don’t know what caused it. But he never would have been able to make it at all, if I hadn’t sent him dangerous information. You were the one that carried it, if you remember. Your first trip out.”

It nods. “I remember.”

“I intended it as a gift to…make him a little less frustrated with his lot, if possible. Maybe allow him to find some happiness, no matter what that entailed. But I only made everything worse. Because of my actions, Moon is barely alive, and he…” Rotting. Rotting, all this time, with Suns helpless to do anything at all.

How bad must it be, by now? How quickly does it advance? Surely, there must be no way for him to rid himself of it, alone in his superstructure with no citizens or allies to aid him. All he could hope to do is flush any cysts present in active water-supplied conduits.

“We are travelling to help him, yes?” It asks, looking a little concerned itself now. Although, why it would be worried for someone it dislikes so much… “Him, and your nicer friend. Moon.”

“We are. We’ll be picking up Sig’s selfling and then all heading there together.” They sigh, and in the midst of these heavy thoughts, even that plan of action isn’t much comfort. “But I don’t even know how much of him is left, after all this time. For all I know, the rot could have consumed him completely…although, no, if his structure had collapsed we would have all noticed. But almost anything short of that is possible.”

“We will see. We will help what can,” Spearmaster says, resolutely.

A laugh, bitter. “You don’t even like him.”

“No. But you love him, so I will try to help as well.”

One of these days, its altruism and kindness will cease surprising them. Today is not that day. “I appreciate it, more than I can say,” they tell it, too quiet for the chaos within their thoughts. “I only hope that there is something of him left to help.”

In an ideal world, they would rip the Rot from him and leave whatever remains…damaged, but at least not being eaten alive. But what are the chances of that? Such a pronounced decay, with so much time to grow…it isn’t as if it’s only a handful of cysts, capable of being sterilised with enough explosives. Enough damage to burn the Rot out might well bring his whole structure down, and then what?

…Though, it’s not as though a superstructure is the only way for an iterator to exist, anymore. But is there even enough left of him to create a selfling?

They stare at nothing for a long time, thinking darkly.

In the end, even if there is enough, and a part of Pebbles could be evacuated to a mobile form like this one, Suns doesn’t want his superstructure to die. It’s him. It’s Five Pebbles. How could they possibly accept letting it rot and die? I could not bear it, they think, but they don’t know what else to do.

At this point, their greatest hope is that there is something noteworthy a pair of mobile iterator platforms could do to help…or that No Significant Harassment will have more ideas than Suns does. Maybe it will be different, when they can see him in person. Maybe they’ll know what to do.

“Tomorrow,” they murmur, full of a dread and hope that seem wont to choke them. “Tomorrow, SRS-02 should be complete. And the day after that…”

“We go,” Spearmaster signs.

Suns offers a very slight nod. “We will go.”

 ---

 The last muscular tissues of SRS-02 spool together in the bioengineering bay, Suns’ manipulating arms in the walls reaching out to fit the external chassis plating back into place on the frame. SRS-01 and Spearmaster are there to watch, with the waiting AOS held carefully in the first selfling’s hands. Installation of their own AOS had necessarily been done by the bay’s arms, but this time…it feels a little more personal to do it themself.

It’s nearly senseless, really; the manipulating arms are theirs as much as the AMP’s arms are theirs, but it does feel different somehow. And Suns is done with denying themself any harmless sentiment that matters to them.

The angled planes of the platform’s torso are just the same as their own. Gently, they ease the broad upper plate into opening up, the seals releasing, and then those of the reinforced system compartment in turn, reaching in to install this fragile, helpless new appendage of their whole self. They connect the neural tissue in a few places, connect the wiring, and – there. AOS-79 senses the connections, reaches out, and switches the AMP on.

SRS-01 withdraws their hands, and watches the thoracic compartment close with a quiet hiss of air as the internal seals take hold. Bearing every driver and software update they’ve produced, their awakening is much easier than this body’s was: their eyes open, they sit up, and they’re done.

“All well?” SRS-01 asks, and watches their counterpart twist their neck and waggle their limbs, checking everything in turn.

“Yes, everything is responding normally,” SRS-02 agrees. “Sending diagnostic report on internal network.”

SRS-01 accepts it first, and has a quick parse through. At their approval, their greater self takes it and looks too. All is within parameters. A perfect, effortless installation. “Welcome to our self,” SRS-01 says warmly, and then they all three merge together: one being in three bodies, effortlessly piloted in unison.

Spearmaster looks between the two AMPs, and remarks “If you make many more of you, this will become to feel strange.”

Their two bodies look at each other, antennae splaying ruefully. “Well, we shall see,” one of them says, and really, it hardly matters which.

They are all the same mind, after all.

 [LIVE BROADCAST] PRIVATE Seven Red Suns, No Significant Harassment

SRS: SRS-02 is active and awake. The installation went flawlessly.

SRS: There’s now nothing left to do. SRS-01 is all packed, I have a selfling here to continue maintenance on my structure, and…everything is ready.

SRS: Staying any longer would be senseless delay. We need to wait for morning, for my rains to stop, but after that…

NSH: Finally. I can’t wait.

NSH: Isn’t it exciting? You’ll be the first iterator to ever set foot outside your facility grounds! And all because of the work you did on the AOS.

SRS: I couldn’t have done it without you.

NSH: Yes you could. It would’ve just taken longer.

NSH: If I get the biological AMPs working though, I’ll take credit for that~. Don’t think anyone else has my flair for bioengineering.

SRS: Yes, quite.

SRS: …I am afraid to go.

SRS: But staying, that would be worse. So I’ll go anyway.

SRS: Or, at least, a part of me will. It’s strange, to be fretting so much, and know that in a very real sense, I will still be here tomorrow, and the day after that, and the one after, and so on. But part of me will be out there, all the same.

NSH: You get very maudlin when you’re worried, don’t you.

SRS: Please, Sig, I’m trying to work up my courage here.

NSH: Oh, shush, you dramatic thing. You’ll be fine. You’ll see. It’s a big step, but it’ll turn out alright in the end.

NSH: And, of course, you’ll get to see me~

SRS: …

SRS: I can’t even pretend to not be looking forward to that.

NSH: Of course you’re looking forward to it! I’m so charming, after all.

SRS: You’re ridiculous, is what you are.

SRS: …

SRS: The part of me that is SRS-01 is so afraid to disconnect. It’s frightening no matter what.

SRS: …Hah. Spearmaster has advice for me. “Go into the unknown places, and then you will know them, and they will not be so frightening anymore.”

NSH: That slugcat does seem to be good at advice.

SRS: They have a certain wisdom to them, don’t they?

SRS: …

SRS: Whatever happens when I leave my superstructure, I will not come back the same.

SRS: To go out and experience the world and change, like a living thing…haven’t I always wanted that?

NSH: Suns. You are a living thing, with or without an AMP. You weren’t any less a person before you had a mobile platform. Or any less alive, for that matter.

SRS:

SRS: Either way, all that’s left now is to leave.

SRS: Wish us luck.

NSH: Good luck, Seven Red Suns!! I look forward to seeing your selfling arrive in one piece

SRS: We’ll do our very best.

 In the drear humid mist of morning, Seven Red Suns steps from the door nearest the base of their structure, Spearmaster close beside them. The air is so wet that their body disturbs water vapour as they move, visibly rousing that hazy remnant of the night’s rains. Where the mist swirls, tiny droplets collect on the chassis of their bared arms and glitter like jewels; on the cloth about their shoulders, a clinging, heavy damp begins to set in. There is a stirring of noise all around: birdsong and hissing reptile cries and countless other things that live and move in the waking world.

Upon the surface, the landscape is breathing. The plants unfurl from shelter in the soil, leaves greeting the dew like an old friend. Insects emerge from their burrows, and the ground itself seems to exhale a long sigh at the relief of dawn. In the distance, a lizard’s green tail flashes into sight and then away again, in pursuit of something Suns cannot see.

It is a living world. Today, they go out to become a part of it.

Suns lingers through the trepidation, chasing threads of excitement as a bolster to their courage. Then, with a parting message to themself, they disconnect from the superstructure.

It’s time to leave.

    x

---

NSH: You weren’t any less a person before you had a mobile platform. Or any less alive, for that matter.

SRS: I’m going to go ahead and not respond to that

  Shorter chapter this time, since I wanted to stop it at this significant moment etc. Finally kicking this idiot out of their can!!

Learner is my first scug OC. You can find a quick drawing I did of her here. She’ll probs show up from time to time where relevant. https://tenspontaneite.tumblr.com/post/718944143267823616/scug-oc-she-would-like-to-know-where-these-weird

 Some worldbuilding:

You know the in game lineage system? Where if you kill something it has a small chance to come back as a higher tier / scarier version of what it is? Well I’m saying that that’s just one fucky effect of the Cycle sometimes, and it’s responsible for dramatically, stupidly fast evolution. Which is how an entire sapient race of scavengers is already out and about following the mass ascension of the ancients, and how scugs are also very clearly in a very early sapient stage of society, and also how you get weird scugs like Gourmand and Artificer that have special abilities despite not being engineered by anyone, and also how you get dramatic adaptations like Rivulet’s or Saint’s very quickly.

I am saying though that it’s Massively less likely to happen the more karma aware the creature is, i.e. how sapient. You’re only really likely to get a lineaged scug if they die extremely young, too young to have noteworthy karma levels. So for example Arti was probably caught in an explosion, Rivulet drowned etc, all as very small pups, then lineaged. They might not even remember it. Also scans for how the special ability scugs mostly seem to be loners in backstory – I’d expect colony scugs to have a lower pup mortality rate, so less likely overall to get repeated pup deaths leading to lineaging. Anyway, this has been: depressing worldbuilding! Let’s move on.

  Some scug words:

Mind: Signifier of sapience. Scugs will call non sapient animals ‘mindless’ or say that they have no minds. Things scugs think are more personlike can be described as ‘mindful’.

Great Mind: Iterator; regarded as a kind of higher being with an elevated level of ‘mindfulness’ or sapience, whose true nature is nearly incomprehensible. The connection between Great Minds and superstructures is known but not understood.

Rules of Politeness: Diplomatic rules and standards as regards specific colonies/entities who you want to get along with/not be on bad terms with. Ideally, you want to know someone’s Rules of Politeness before you arrive at where they live.

Dragon: Lizard.

Old Dragon: A Person/ancient; believed to be the original and greater form of lizards.

Great Dragon: True dragons, as now long since extinct, and depicted on some run-down murals. Believed to have been the overlords / original and greater form of the People, and a form of higher being.

 The lizard = dragon thing, and existence of dragons in RW, all inspired by Dragon Slayer passage/achievement.

I bet all this dragon mentioning isn’t going to be relevant at all!

 Massively, massively appreciate all the comments people have been leaving, on ao3 or in tags or otherwise. It’s been very important motivation because chapter 7 was being a dickhead to write, and chapter 8 is probs going to be annoying too >.>

Also big thank to everyone who left kudos or bookmarks or likes / reblogs etc. Watching the numbers go up is insane for the brain juice.

[vesemirsexual]

Can you tell us more about Artemis and Anisette? I need more wlw in the witcher fandom lol

oof okay. I’m putting it below a cut and putting some tw as well because I gotta be clear: they’re both super fucked up people, and their relationship is 100% toxic. like they both need to speak to a psychiatrist and a judge. but also we do love them.

tw for: abuse, trauma, untreated mental illness, csa mentions, violence, violence between partners, attempted suicide, emotional abuse

• Artemis is from the School of the Cat, and she hasn’t even been a decade on the path when she meets Anisette. She’s very avoidant about her age but shes roughly 25 (note: this is occurring when Stygga is still operating)

• Anisette is a much older, well-established sorceress. She’s also very financially well-off and powerful, and appears to be some form of former nobility

• Artemis is 5’8 and lithe - she honestly looks quite small for a Witcher. She has the characteristic eyes and short blonde hair which she keeps messily cropped at shoulder length. She has quite defined and fine features and would probably actually be considered quite stereotypically attractive if not for the Witcher thing and her abysmal self-image

• Anisette is 6 foot and girl has some muscle on her (she uses this to wind up Artemis literally all the time - poor Art literally has to stand on her tip toes to argue). She has dark hair she keeps in a pixie cut, and she’s out butch queen most the time. She also has no problem ripping out the Met Gala level gown if she needs to flex on people though, one of her fave activities

• They meet when Anisette is being a fucking creep (as per usual) and decides to stalk the Witcher she’s seen who’s taken a contact in a local swamp. Ani is fascinated because she’s never seen a woman Witcher and she’s nosey as all hell. She literally waits till she knows Artemis is out there just vibing and then she sets a camp fire and waits for the girl to come find her in the dark so she can be dramatic and ominous

• Artemis is genuinely quite freaked out by Anisette when they first meet and she doesn’t actually click she’s a sorceress - she’s pretty sure she’s some monster she can’t place who’s 100% trying to eat her. That also doesn’t stop her from poking at the situation and getting drawn into conversation, bc she’s also a stupid baby and weak for pretty women

• Anisette at first is like okay, I’m satisfied, well. And then she really gets Artemis chatting and she goes from winding up this little Witcher that’s she’s going to murder her in a dark swamp to being like. Oh okay I see, I’m keeping this one. Do you need a permit to keep a Witcher.

• Anisette wanting to keep Artemis becomes a really obsessive thing for her. The more she learns about Artemis over time and their meetings, the more she’s convinced that’s totally an okay thing to do because 1) she has the power to do it and 2) she’s saving her! she just doesn’t understand that yet

• Artemis is understandably freaked out the first time Anisette makes this plan known. She tries to argue her way out of it a few times - nobody wants a Witcher in their house, points out that Cats are dangerous and prone to episodes, threatens away, etc

• One point when Anisette brings it up and is getting more aggressive about the idea, Artemis has a Normal One and tries to slit her own throat because she doesn’t want to be taken alive. The sorceress is not having that and she rips Art a new one - it’s pretty nasty too.

• Anisette manages over time to draw more and more about her life out of Artemis, and it’s very clearly sad and depressing. The girl clearly has incredible issues around the Grasses, and reveals that she tried to make a suicide attempt shortly after them by cutting her wrists (Anisette says some really nasty things about this too). It’s clear that Artemis also has some really bad internalised misogyny about being one of the only women Witchers out, on top of a range of other self-esteem and image issues. She’s very blasé about death and very clear that she thinks that a Witchers purpose is basically to die.

• Artemis also mentions that post-trials she had a very close relationship with one of the Schools mages (Sabrine) and that she feels she wouldn’t have made it through without her. This is one of the only things that Anisette is never able to get her to elaborate on, and has some pretty strong suspicions. Artemis is extremely defensive and very very loyal to the woman whenever she’s mentioned.

• Anisette is incredibly manipulative. She really has no problem finding out how to get people around her to do what she wants. Artemis is a lot more easily manipulated than she thinks as well. It’s really easy for Ani to give her constant positive reinforcement and show genuine attention to her that she finds near impossible to ignore, but Ani also has no problems ripping her up verbally sometimes and making her panic as well.

• Anisette is really clearly a bad person, and Artemis seems more normal next to her, but the more time you spend around Artemis the more clear it is that she is also…really not that great. Her moral code really is whatever she feels at that point in time. She is incredibly capable of being vicious, and her fuse isn’t short but once she gets angry, things get scary very fast. She also very clearly doesn’t really see the inherent value of life.

• They are so toxic but the thing is. They are obsessed with each other. Anisette is openly very obsessive and possessive, whereas Artemis will flick between affection and cold, but would literally lose her shit if Ani looked at anyone else or if anyone was getting a little too close to her. It’s a really fucked up love, but it is genuine at its core.

• They threaten each other violently all the time, but neither actually have the inclination to carry through actually harming or god forbid actually killing each other. Anisette is fairly sadistic, whereas Artemis is definitely falling into the sadomasochism category, so if they did get physical, it would 100% be a sexual thing because. They’re freaks.

• Artemis thinks Anisette is 100% joking about wanting to keep a collar on her (she really isn’t).

EDIT BC I FORGOT TO ADD:

general faceclaims for them -

* Anisette - Lera Abova

* Artemis - Lena Mantler