#is this why ppl join like discord’s or smth

[loving-n0t-heyting]

Hi! So, seeing you in my notes reminded me that I meant to ask you about that Instrumentality poll. Being as I am tumblr user 人類補完計画, I have, asyoumightimagine, a lot of interest in the topic, and I'd be very curious to hear *your* thoughts on Shinji's choice - in part because you mentioned in the tags that you were wondering whether your take aligned with the consensus view, but also because I feel like you're among the most distinctive & intellectually honest philosophical voices I've encountered on here, and I do wonder how your faith, along with your overall view on things, influences your take(s) re:EoE.

I was going to wait until the poll finally closed but i think its been plateauing for a couple of days now anyway so i might as well. This is all going to be pretty vague and mysticism-y ofc, especially given the vagueness and mysticism of the source material itself, and im going off of memory on top of that (i am not putting myself thru the emotional hurdle of rewatching EoE just for a post, sorry)

So, first off, my interpretation of shinjis ultimate choice is to reject instrumentality for all of humanity, to retain our ATFs and our individuality. And i lean towards thinking this was a mistake, on his part. I sometimes see ppl suggest that he offered everyone a choice to either join or refuse instrumentality, but i tend to think this is just projection; idr anything in the text to clearly support this

Im not really sure how to go about arguing for this position directly, beyond rebutting objections. To the extent we are given a clear explanation of what an ATF is, it is smth like the secrecy of our own thoughts and desires and personality; ie, others ignorance of those things. Ignorance is a terrible thing, just generally, in itself! Like impotence. Its terrible in proportion to the importance/value of the things one is ignorant of, and ppl are about the most valuable things there are. Thats much of whats so bad about death, which is why it makes perfect sense the dead get to join in HI as well. So, putting it all together, the presence of ATFs is a terrible imposition, and their removal thru HI is a great blessing, maybe even the greatest possible blessing. And this shows itself in the end of strife and discord and the beginning of real unity of spirit and will, but its already present in the mere dissolution of interpersonal ignorance

The narrative itself frames this as an erasure of individuality, but im not sure how to understand this. Is the idea supposed to be that we would not survive the loss of our ATFs? Im not sure thats even intelligible: the loss of our ATFs is just the lifting of certain kinds of ignorance or, in other words, the instilling of certain kinds of knowledge. Knowledge in whom? In those undergoing human instrumentality. So clearly we survive HI, if it involves us coming into knowledge, and thus being around to know these things. Is this supposed to mean our distinctive contributions to the diversity of human experience etc would all be destroyed in favour of some uniform replacement? I dont see why that would be necessary; we can certainly imagine ways ppls varying idiosyncratic quirks can all "make it into" some sufficiently rich collaborative work. Why should HI not be the same? I suppose the fact it involves everyones bodies into a homogeneous sea of yellow goop speaks against this, but my inclination is to read this as a sort of pupal stage from which a mature instrumentalised humanity can emerge. Tho thats admittedly a bit of a reach

Theres yet another negative interpretation of the "destruction of individuality" i sometimes hear: that it would somehow rob us each of our agency and ability to shape the world in accord with our desires and beliefs. This goes along with a worry that the inauguration of HI would necessarily be a violation of consent and mental autonomy, which strikes me as misguided for much the same reason. Our ignorance of one another is not an individual condition of oneself in particular one can opt in or out of irrespective of the choices of others; if my not being able to retsin my ATF is a violation of my "autonomy", why is my retaining my ATF not in turn a violation of the autonomy of the others being thereby kept ignorant of my deepest self? Mutual ignorance of one anothers mental states (including that very ignorance) is in no interesting way reducible to the ignorant subjects each having certain "individual" or "intrinsic" or "internal" states that can individually and unilaterally be shifted without affecting those of the others; it is an "external" relation. So thinking about HI in terms of individual, unilaterally revocable consent is confused; the fact it is changing is irreducibly collective, and thus consent to it and only be given or refused collectively if at all. Hopefully thats not too opaque

This reply feeds into my answer to the worry about the dilution of ones agency and control over the world. This objection makes sense against a background view on which, for an agent A to control the answer to a question Q and a distinct agent A* to control the answer to a question Q*, Q and Q* must be modally independent: any answer to the latter must be compossible with any answer to the former. Or that, if this isnt true, this is bc As control over Q or A*s over Q* must be only "limited" or "partial" or w/e. My rejection of this assumption (which is i think what lies behind the last objection about autonomy) is probably my deepest, most abstract anti-liberal commitment. Its a conception of control or freedom that i think ultimately requires a debilitatingly narrow view of what full freedom could look like, or of what facts can amount to states of a person. (For example, i think it prolly requires you to say that knowing that the sun rises, a property entailing the "external" fact that the sun rises, is not actually a state of a person, in some important sense, rather than smth like a conjunction of a state of a person and a state of the horizon/sun.) But going all the way into this would probably take a lengthy book; mb i will try to work it out slightly more precisely at some point tho

You asked how my feeling about EoE connect with my faith, and broader view of the world. This illiberal assumption is close to the heart of it. I am always tempted in this context to quote marxs comments in the 1848 manuscripts about the whole of nature being the "inorganic body of man", and i dont think im alone in seeing connections between those passages and remarks like pauls about the mystical body of the church ("So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another." Now there is smth for mereologists to chew on!!) And this is a trend you see elsewhere in the Christian tradition, like dantes description of the celestial eagle in paradiso xviii-xx. I was surprised, when talking to an atheist friend about my tentative support for HI, that they said my christianity made sense of my disagreement with them about this point; not bc i dont think theres a connection but bc idt of these emphases on the unity of the mystical body as particularly prominent in outsiders impressions of Christian belief

Anyway, hopefully that was at least somewhat illuminating. Thx for the kind words ^^

[residentmara]

a little context for smth, the Astral Express Crew is this train of ppl, not really many ppl keep that in mind (ha, mind), that travels on the path of The Hunt, but the path they travel on isn't important, but they are following in the path of this Aeon (basically like, gods in the game but they're also not gods ?) who had died (I personally believe that the Aeon of The Trailblaze, the one they're following the path of didn't die, because there is nobody who knows how they died, it's unknown if it was at the hands of another Aeon even tho thats a popular theory in game, or if it was killed by a human or what) and they're just following in that guy's path and stopping at worlds when they can't pass, usually bc of a stellaron (cancer of all worlds) on the planets, and they help those planets and continue on their path

Mind (March and Dan Heng)

Mind would be March because of more like her backstory, she was found floating through space in a block of six-phased ice (I believe it was that or it was some 'eternal ice' but I am p sure it was six-phased) which Welt spent ages to get her out of, and I did get my facts a little wrong when I was being autism in dms earlier, her name is March 7th because that's the day the Astral Express Crew (which at the time I believe consisted of Himeko, Welt, and pom-pom (? for Pom-pom)) freed her from the ice, and she didn't even know who she was, so they took to calling her March 7th since that was the date, she canonically puts out this happy, bubbly, personality to cover up this like anxiety and sadness I believe is what Himeko says when you ask about March, but she puts on that personality and smile to cover up those feelings

and Dan Heng because he's smart.. and he also has things in his past that he's running from, he's generally a mysterious kinda guy (HELP IM REACHING DISCORD LIMIT ALR,, THE PRICE OF TYPING THIS ORIGINALL ON DISCORD WTF) theres not many lore rooted reasons that I'm saying Dan Heng for, though he does live in the file room (I think it was called.. words aren't wording but it is like 8:34 at night) and keeps things nice and filed n stuff for the express, he knows a lot about it, he also joined it because he was running from people from his past life / past (I say past life because even though he normally looks human, he's from this dragon looking species I can't spell the name of for the life of me who goes through this rebirth process) and he refuses to really talk to anyone about it, and if you in game ask Himeko about him she doesn't give you much information

Heart (Kafka)

I won't go deep into lore because I don't think we know much of Kafka's lore or she doesn't have too much to go into ig, but Kafka is one of these Stellaron hunters who's goal (you'll never guess it) is to get stellarons, Kafka can appear as this nice person but really she's kinda violent and slightly manipulative (though it is kind of for the 'greater good' in some sense depending on where your morals lie when it comes to lore of the entire game) also she uses a gun canonically when you use her ultimate.. enough proof there /silly

Soul as Himeko or the Trailblazer

tbh I'd mainly say Himeko, we don't really know too much about Himeko, only what you can get from asking Welt, but she found the express when she was a kid blah blah that's not imporant to why Soul would be her, she was there from the start, she knows like everything about everyone on the express, at least all there really is to know, she's the real owner of it, but she is generally who keeps things kinda calm on the express, she's who you trust (which when you put hms as pathos, logos, and ethos, we know who is what, Heart is Pathos, Mind is Logos, and Soul would be Ethos, and if you were to characterize Himeko as one of those, she'd be Ethos because you know you can trust her) + she has red hair

I'd say Soul as the Trailblazer (the Main Character) because that is also the only character you can be 100% sure of in the whole story, also I can kind of draw a connection from the Stellaron that is inside of the Trailblazer (they are generally supposed to just be a storage for it, we don't know why yet because that lore isn't rlly out yet) to the void seen on Soul in like the videos, they both have something that can like 'take over' them in some sense

and Whole as Welt

Welt is someone who also knows a lot about people on the express (not as much as Himeko though) but he generally is like this character that is like the 'dad' of the express, at least in my eyes (that I totally have shh I'm not a Heart fictive what) this is smth you can argue that Welt would be Soul for but he is in and out of the Astral Express this like peace keeper, there is a lot more of lore to Welt because he is a reoccuring in like another Honkai game (I think there is only one other ? but if not he's in the two others, but I cannot remember how mant there is) and I remember seeing something about a comic, but basically if you were to put a face on the express it'd probably be Welt or Himeko, Himeko because she is the actual owner but Welt because he is this powerful figure that has this cohesive story if any of my reasoning for Whole as Welt makes sense

Boom autism explosion pt 2, now I’m very sleeby so goodnight !! -💕

this is unironically the direct reason i got into honkai: star rail

[unhingedkinfessions]

so like. we're in this discord server and its p sick lol theres not many issues with it tbh but there is smth thats been botherin me and ive gotta get it out somewhere so that i dont feel like an asshole for sayin it in the server itself its very 'kin focused, a lot of ppl in the server are otherkin. so we have a channel for ppl to talk about 'kin stuff. only issue is that its open to anyone who joins the server. which wouldnt be an issue if we didnt have the occasional person join whos a 'normie' and then they automatically have access to the kin channel. we're also all very anti-kff and are very open abt how those ppl arent welcome in our space and are fine with explainin the dif if needed this is context needed for what imma talk abt lol so theres this guy in the server, we'll call him G, and he's just some dude who is in the server and exists in our space. which is totes fine. but. G has a bad bad habit of thinking that being kin = relating to a character/having a comfort character. and we (several members of the server + the owner) have explained that he is wrong several times. he asks what 'kinning' is and we explain. we explain at least once a week atp but for some reason, it just isnt clickin for the guy. that or he is blatantly ignorin us anytime we explain it. but the thing is. he blames not understandin on his autism/adhd. which is genuinely the most bullshit thing ive ever heard bc like. most of us HAVE autism/adhd and we're like... come on dude.... i understand not gettin social norms and shit but at this point, its gettin absurd. it doesnt help that he also blatantly ignores ppl's boundaries and continues to post things that make ppl uncomfortable and then once again, blaming his neurodivergence for his actions. which again. most bullshit thing ive ever heard. i genuinely dont know why this fucker is still in the server atp. he doesnt respect any of us. he's even gone as far as to try and use tupperbox (which we have for system + kin use) for his 'fandoms' as he says. and then ignoring when i told him that he's NOT ALLOWED to do this. genuinely i cannot fucking stand this guy and i want him out of the server because fuck him. if you cant respect our space or us you can get the fuck out. stop acting like you're kin when you say you dont even know what being kin means. stop ignoring us when we try to explain it to you. stop acting like you're absolved from any repercussions just bc you're autistic and downt undewstand uwu fuckin. shut the hell up dude i hate your bitchass. petition for the server owner to ban his ass the next time he says some stupid bullshit

also ik someone from said server follows this blog so hiiii if u see this <333 ik u agree with me bc weve talked abt it before <3333 love you dude /p ur so cool

girl what the fuck

ruling:

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[15fishes]

why do ppl use cai like why feed the shitty theft machine when ao3 is right fucking there and if youre not satisfied with that then what the fuck happened to using your imagination like when I want to see a really REALLY specific type of fanfiction I just imagine it and thats basically the same fucking thing if not its way fucking better because im in charge of everything??? did everyone like forget how to use their goddamn brains or?? like put on some music and geometry dash or smth and space out CMON . If you have trouble invisioning things (which is totally fine) then write out the conversation you want to have on a google doc or in a notebook and its THE SAME THING AS CAI also like what about that weird text app where you can be both sides that people used to make those weird youtube videos with, then it can be like youre texting someone and still, youre incharge of everything. LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS you all are just lazy as hell and then you have the audacity to be mad at the fake ass cai for not saying the thing you want it to like USE A GOOGLE DOC and these are just the options you can do yourself, the option to join a rp discord server is always there . cai is completely useless and yet??

[happythecat]

so who is gonna watch natsume yuujinchou so that I can talk to them about it. huh.

[symptoms-syndrome]

I tryyyyyyy very hard to be sympathetic to ppl who are obviously struggling, esp young ppl, but there's this one person in a discord server I'm in who's just. Relentlessly pessimistic.

Like she commented something like "if only I had friends :(" on this person's selfies with their friends, and a few people were like "oh you can make friends :)" or mentioned how coming to events/meetings the org the discord is for does is a good way to meet people and make friends, and I said smth about how the first step to making healthy friendships is remembering you're worthy of having friends, bc ppl don't wanna hang out w someone who just discounts their relationship or w/e. And this person is like "ok but I'm not worthy of having friends and also I don't think I'll ever have friends. It's not bc of my mindset I'm just a terrible person." And I'm like...ok then. Self fulfilling prophecy there bud.

They're 18 so like. Still p young and like I do get that feeling it's just like. This is the PERFECT place to make friends. IDK why you'd even join this server/org if you're so determined to not make friends bc most of it is focused on like. Social stuff. But whatever not my problem I guess. It's just arghhh. Esp bc they asked for a vent channel and I was like "it's been brought up before, but [redacted] doesn't currently have the bandwidth to support that in a way that would be healthy for all involved" (paraphrasing) and was like "here's some places u can meet w a therapist for free" incl the program's own drop-in therapy and like. A bunch of ppl were like "u can vent in my DMs 🥺" and I'm just like that sounds like probably a bad idea for all involved but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ can't do anything abt it.

[materialisnt]

smth that really makes syscourse like, extra potent as a poison is that on both sides uve got ppl who are very very very personally invested. like, a core aspect of how they identify themselves as human/alterhuman/nonhuman beings is hinged on how they understand system inclusivity.

on the one hand is the medicalization supporters, who see in DID/OSDD a lifeline and the theory of structural dissociation says "don't worry, you(singular) are a person! something really bad happend to you(singular) and it wasn't your fault! you(singular) are fractured, here's how you heal."

and on the other hand are people with and without diagnoses who say "excuse us, who is defining personhood? who are singlets embedded in a structure which continues to torture us and our Mad siblings? who gets to say what is and isn't a "fractured" existence? why would we want to define ourselves by a term that hinges on the idea that how we conceive of our person-hood is disordered, sick, in need of intervention?"

and its so hard to react compassionately to people who tell you they don't like a community (imperfect and rife with contradiction and discord) that is based on the fundamental principles of self-determination and inclusivity. people will say you're ableist, you're faking, you're spreading misinformation just for saying "we choose to define ourselves, and make space for others to do the same"

system medicalists will look at plural pride as a symptom, a threat to their integrity and ability to assimilate into a society that demands sacrifice to maintain the white supremacist capitalist death machine. this is a pattern those with other marginalized identities will recognize: "you can be yourself(singular) as long as you define yourself on our terms and don't challenge our assumptions about you."

having DID/OSDD, it should go without saying, is not a bad thing, and using "parts"/"alters"/" disorder" to identify yourself/selves is not a bad thing at all if it is what feels right to you and those you share a body with. if resources for DID/OSDD help you, then use them and do not feel shame about it.

what is a problem is assuming you know more about another's experience than they do, and basing your politics off of it. telling people they are "faking" or "delusional" isn't going to make pluralmisia and ableism go away, and while you may get clapped up by your fellow medicalists (including many, many singlets), you're reinforcing the structures that oppress all of us in the hopes of some temporary sense of righteousness. disparaging the plural community for challenging the authority of structural sanism just makes a day without plural/multiple oppression that much further out of reach.

no-one and no-many should have to identify as disordered or attack plurals who defy categorization in order to have community. none of us should be contributing to each other's oppression. the plural community is fighting for liberation for ALL of us, and you are welcome to join us. Are you in?

[curiosityjams]

re: iz*one

first of all, i wanted to say i didn’t plan on writing something about the disbandment. the past few months have been incredibly rough on my mental state to the point where i feel as if i’ve lost all sense of self. shit has been so rough for me, their disbandment being confirmed made that even worse for me. however, i realized i need to learn how to be okay with like...being open about my own emotions in a time of uncertainty and writing them out helps me in a way even if a lot of those emotions i’d rather keep private. i’ve also been going thru a time where i’m currently reevaluating this past year and everything i’ve done/felt in the past few yrs (2.5 of those years being izone’s run), so i thought i’d write something about the disbandment and what iz*one means to me, esp during this point in my life. i’d write more about what led me to this point, but if i did, i’d end up writing a whole novel, so i’m just going to keep this as short as possible.

also if this is a jumbled mess, i’m sorry!!!!

since we’re here to talk about the inevitable, i just wanted to say that i’ve probably had a harder time accepting them being gone than i thought. i knew they were gonna disband eventually bc lol produce group, but also, knowing what happened with the voting scandal and the panasonic, it makes it even worse for me. i hate that they didn’t even bother to handle their disbandment in a way that wasn’t complete horseshit. i hate how the pandora screwed everything up. i hate how we didn’t even get a proper goodbye from the girls. i knew that this was going to happen, but i fucking hate how it all turned out. i can’t say i’m 100% happy with the ending and honestly, don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully accept that they’re no longer a group. 

that said, i’m not here to vent.

while i’m obviously upset that they’re gone, the fact that they were ever a group to begin with--i’ll forever be grateful. i avoided getting into them for the longest time because of my own trauma from being involved in the 48 fandom (smth i’ll talk about at a later time bc it’s a lot), but the moment i decided to watch their “up” performance and actually give them a chance beyond looping la vie en rose, that’s when i fell in love. i fell in love with the music. i fell in love with the visuals. i fell in love with the bond between the girls. most of all, i fell in love with the fact that during a weird transitional period in my 20s, i found a group that gave me the closure i needed in a time where it felt like the world was against me while also giving me the strength i need to move on. 

while we’re on that topic, let’s talk about kwon eunbi.

as you already know from my url, eunbi is obviously my bias. she’s the leader of the group, under the company my ult group, lovelyz, is also in, and THE absolute all-rounder. she’s extremely talented, super fucking funny, a babe of THE highest order, and the best single mom you could ever ask for. every time i watch a video of iz*one’s or look at any of their pics, i’m always in absolute awe of her. while i love all of the girls (j-line has a very special place in my heart bc of my time in 48 fandom) and do consider the entire group to be one full of bias wreckers, it’s eunbi that instantly caught my eye and the one i’m incredibly proud to call my ult.

“now, drea, why is it that you’re taking so much time with talking about how special this group and that girl are to you?” well, it’s mainly because that eunbi and i are the same age (both 95-liners, but i’m older by 2 months) that i’m so drawn to not only her, but the group as well. yeah, it’s normal to be drawn to members born in your birth year, but for me and esp in this case, it’s far more complex than it seems.

around the time i got into the group, i was (still am) going thru a quarter life crisis. i had just finished my a.a., was a few months away from turning 24, and had pretty much decided i was going to take an indefinite hiatus from twitter due to the amount of harm its done to my mental health over 10 years. i felt like shit knowing that so many people my age were living their lives, getting married, having kids, etc all that shit while i felt as if i was frozen in time and like i could never accomplish any of those things because according to society, my time was up. as a woman on the autism spectrum, i never felt like anything i did was enough and knowing that even after years of trauma, the feeling that if i don’t have my entire life sorted out by 24/25 scared the living shit out of me. knowing that a panini happened made those feelings even worse. 

i know it’s weird to like...feel so many emotions over this esp since 23-25 is young and starting your career out at that age is normal. that said, knowing how eunbi was already in a group prior to joining iz*one that ended up disbanding months after they debuted, the road she took to get to where she is now, and the fact that she’s 25/26 and will get so many chances to start over is what gives me hope after such a shit year. i can finally get to where i want to be, i’ll graduate from university, i’ll hopefully get a job that will earn me enough money to move out of my mom’s house, i’ll find love, etc who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? i hate that after years of hating myself and being afraid of getting older because people often have this mentality that you should abandon all sense of yourself once you hit your mid 20s, it’s taken me THIS long to actually start accepting myself for who i am and living my life for myself, but i’m excited to see where the fuck life takes me after years of self-hatred, trauma, and trying too hard to please ppl that don’t give a shit. seeing eunbi just have a fucking blast on stage, take care of her members, and overall be the amazing person she is gave me the strength i desperately needed to actually get to the path i want to be on as someone that’s a few years away from turning 30.

as i said earlier, i’m not ready to just outright accept iz*one being gone. i’ll probably spend the entire month of may just watching their content since there’s still a shitton of stuff i have yet to watch and i’m lowkey embarrassed that as a fan, i’m admitting this, but also: there’s no time limit. i can always watch that video at another time, i’ll like that pic later, etc. i wish iz*one was one of those things that had no time limit because i’ll always cherish them, but in the 2.5 years of their existance, i achieved some big things and survived a pandemic. i left twitter, got closure in chapters i needed closure in, finished my a.a., etc among many other things during that time and it’s partly because of iz*one that i’ve pushed myself to do all of those things. it’s hard esp since it’s easier to just write smth like this on tumblr than actually do it, but the girls and their music were part of the reason why 2020 wasn’t a complete dumpster fire for me. 

most of all, i wanted to write this because i wanted to shout-out the amazing folks at @izonetwork​. i joined super late in the game, but the convos i’ve had, the laughs we’ve had on discord/among us, etc i’ll never forget it. meeting all of you was one of THE highlights of an otherwise shitty year and i’ll always credit you as one of the reasons why i wasn’t completely emotionally distant during such a dark time. all of you keep me grounded and i’m forever grateful. super honored to call you guys my friends. <3

so yeah, thank you iz*one. thank you, eunbi, sakura, hyewon, yena, chaeyeon, chaewon, minju, nako, hitomi, yuri, yujin, and wonyoung. i don’t speak korean or japanese, but know i’m eternally grateful for all the joy, strength and bops you gave me in the past 2.5 years. i’m even more grateful for the friends i’ve met thru my own fandom of the group. i’m excited to see what every single one of you does next regardless of what it may be. 

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go catch up on all the enozis i’ve missed. 

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

[captainunderkrupp]

ppl were talking abt branch being good with kids on this one discord i’m in and i remembered this unfinished fic that i had!!

(for some reason, they are out on a camping trip or smth. i wrote this before twt came out and just kind of went w what info i had from like the first two trailers lol)

Branch groaned. And kept groaning. It was neverending, like he was just lungs, sighing forever.

"What?" Poppy asked, finally getting tired of waiting for him to finish.

He cut himself off. "The ground's too wet. I can't start a fire."

"Oh, that's not too bad!" Poppy grinned. "We don't need the light, we'll be sleeping!"

Branch glared at her. "We need the heat! We'll freeze to death!"

"Oh..." Poppy felt suddenly lucky that she was totally pink; it was hard to see blush when you were monochrome.

"That's ok!" Satin and Chenille chorused.

"Yeah!" Biggie agreed.

Branch squinted, trying to figure out what they could be talking about. "Oh no," he muttered, not quite sure yet, but he was sure he wouldn't like it.

"We can cu~udle!" Guy Diamond sang, holding Tiny close. Tiny, of course, didn't give him a proper hug back, but enjoyed the contact.

Branch groaned, and went back to try and light the wet wood. When he had fallen into the creek earlier, even his backup wood, in case it did rain like this, had gotten wet.

He was stuck.

"Fine!" he shouted, throwing his flint down at the ground. He hesitated, and then picked it back up. "We'll cuddle. Can't be worse than..." he shuddered. "Hug time."

Everyone cheered, and started moving in.

"Not yet!" he shrieked, and everyone paused. "Just... give me a minute. Jeez."

He started pulling out... weapons. Or, not just weapons, but a lot of stuff. No one looking was really sure where they were coming from, but there were blades from his pockets, roots from his vest, strange contraptions from his hair. It took a moment, but he finally seemed to have removed a lot from his person.

"No wonder hug time is uncomfortable for him," Cooper muttered. Unfortunately, he had no volume control, so Branch heard him anyway.

Branch rolled his eyes, and then rolled out a tarp. "Here. So we're not just sleeping on wet ground."

Everyone complimented him on his forethought, getting comfortable on the tarp. Satin and Chenille were wrapped around Smidge, Cooper settled down on the outside of the pile, and Biggie was underneath Poppy and Guy Diamond, who made sure Tiny wasn't squished by the cuddling but was also cozy.

Branch glanced around, looking for a place he could tuck himself in at the edge. "So, uh... where should I...?"

Poppy looked up, and grinned. She looked conspiratorially at Smidge and Biggie.

"Oh no. That look, I know that, look, what are you-- AAH!" he screamed as Smidge launched her hair at him, lifting him easily and dumping him between Poppy and Guy. Biggie immediately threw an arm over all three of them, and Poppy intertwined her hair with Branch's.

Branch blushed. He tried to struggle, tried to get out, but there were too many people, and this was... really... cozy... actually...

He was asleep before Poppy could tease him about being comfortable.

"Whoa, he went out like a light!" Biggie whispered.

"Aw, he's snoring!" Satin cooed, and Chenille groaned at the idea of sleeping with someone who snores. Luckily it was soft.

"Wow, this is the fastest I've ever seen him go to sleep," Poppy noted.

"You've seen him sleep before?" Cooper asked, lifting his head up and laying it over Guy so he could see better. Guy carefully made sure Tiny wasn't pinned.

"Well, yeah, we've had sleepovers. Sometimes he had to stay at mine and Dad's place before he was old enough to build that bunker of his. And he, uh..." she blushed, grinning. "Invited me over a few nights ago."

A chorus of "aww!"s erupted.

Branch jolted, adjusted, and went right back to sleep. He never even opened his eyes.

Everyone let out a breath they didn't realize they'd been holding.

"Ok," Poppy whispered, "Let's just settle down, and we'll all have a nice night."

Everyone fell asleep pretty soon after that. Except for one troll, who smiled down at Branch's resting face, before settling down herself.

~

Branch jolted awake, barely holding back a scream. He gasped, attempting to stave off a panic attack... and not doing so well.

In the low light, he barely registered it was early morning. Mostly, he noticed that he was tangled up with almost everyone else. Quickly, trying to breathe without hyperventilating, he disentangled himself as best he could from the cuddle pile.

Eventually, Branch had managed to extract himself, without even disturbing anyone. He was pretty proud of that.

But for right now, he needed to breathe.

He took a quick gasp in, 1234, held it, 1234, let it out, 12345678, in, 1234, hold, 1234, out, 123 4 5 6 7 8, in, 1 2 3 4, hold, 1 2 3 4, out, 1 2 3 4 5... 6... 7... 8...

Eventually his breathing finally slowed, and he could close his eyes without seeing the vivid colors of his nightmare behind the lids. He fell onto a nearby rock with a shuddering breath. Should I go back to bed? No, I slept through the night, and it's early in the morning already... He sighed again.

"Branch?"

He nearly screamed again, jumping and flailing. He fell into a practiced pose, ears twitching for a threat.

His eyes fell on Tiny Diamond, blinking innocently from barely more than a few arm lengths away.

Branch paled. "Tiny!" He struggled to relax, not wanting to scare Guy's baby.

Tiny rubbed his eye under his glasses. "You woke me up," he complained.

Branch had to wince. He had tried to be careful... but he supposed kids were easier to disturb. "Sorry, Tiny. I didn't mean to." He shuffled, not sure what to do with himself.

Small, curious eyes stared at him, and Tiny's head tilted. "What woke you up?"

"Just a nightmare."

"What's a nightmare?"

Branch blinked, surprised. Oh, right. As much as younger trolls could learn just from listening from their eggs, there were definitely gaps in their education, depending on what they were exposed to.

He supposed no one in the Snack Pack enjoyed talking about nightmares, so why would Tiny know?

"It's... a very bad dream."

"Oh, yeah, ok," Tiny nodded, seemingly understanding. Branch paused, waiting for Tiny to ask more.

But the trolling didn't seem to have anymore questions about that. "Do you know when my Daddy's going to wake up?"

Branch glanced back over at the pile with Tiny. Guy seemed to be sleep singing, and Branch wondered if someone was going to join in-- yep. Poppy was starting to hum.

"Uh... not sure, actually." He looked up at the sky. The moon waved back, and he could see the sun slowly, slowly coming up. It was a slow dawn, then. "The sun won't be up for a while, and that's when they usually wake up."

Tiny sighed, in that overly honest yet unweary way only little kids can. "Okaaay," he drew out the word, and then started beatboxing under his breath. Branch could hear him muttering ideas, switching around rhymes and verses.

It was catchy, he had to admit. He started humming along, a bit.

Tiny looked delighted. He scrambled to sit on the rock Branch was occupying, and Branch tried to scoot to give the kid the flatter side of it.

They sat there a while, trading rhythms and verses quietly. He could hear some more sleep singing from a distance, just slightly out of sync with their own music.

Eventually, the sun had traded out with the moon in the sky. It was definitely daytime, even if it was a little early.

Branch had an idea. A terrible idea. He grinned. The perfect revenge.

"Hey, Tiny," he whispered, leaning in toward the trolling. The kid perked up, staring wide-eyed at Branch, attentive. "You want to help me wake up the Snack Pack?"

Tiny grinned; of course he did, the Snack Pack included his Daddy! He jumped up, all excited. "Yeah! What'cha wanna do? Cuz I know you've got an idea!"

Branch chuckled at Tiny's enthusiasm. "Yeah. Here..." he whispered into Tiny's ear, and Tiny grinned.

~

The whole Snack Pack was all very deeply asleep. A good cuddle pile will do that to your average troll. Especially on a cold night, surprisingly. Guy was just beginning to twitch, frowning in his sleep as he subconsciously searched for his son, who didn't seem to be...

He jolted up at the sudden noise of a beat being dropped, an expert beatboxing suddenly bursting into the clearing they'd decided to camp out in.

Directly after that, a loud crescendo of "OoooOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH..." went through the air and woke everyone else up.

"Tiny D, break it down!"

Suddenly, Tiny burst into all their lines of sight, rapping his heart out. He sung about the sunrise and missing his dad and how he was glad they were awake, and beatboxing accompanied him all the while.

By the end, everyone had calmed, and most were even clapping. Guy settled for jumping up and picking up his son in delight.

"That was amazing!" he squealed, letting the last word be sung, autotuned. Tiny laughed and leaned back into his dad's face, nearly headbutting him.

"Wait, who gave him that awesome beat?" Cooper wondered sleepily, still rubbing muck out of his eyes.

Tiny pointed, and slowly, everyone turned toward a rock in the clearing that no one had really noticed before. Branch smirked and waved at all of them.

Jaws dropped. "Whoa!" Poppy shrieked, and everyone clamored. "When did you learn to beatbox?!"

Branch flinched, trying not to get trampled this early in the morning, thank you. "Hey, back off," he snapped.

He quickly devolved, though. His lips twitched, and then it was all over. He was laughing, hard and long. Tiny had started laughing long before, and their voices echoed through the clearing.

"Ha ha ha... you... you... your faces!! Ha ha..." he finally petered out, just letting out small giggles. Tiny was still going.

Everyone was staring at Branch. Poppy somehow looked more pink than usual.

(A/N: I have an hc that Tiny is a little bit touch averse. Not much, he loves contact, but he doesn't like hugs or anything else constrictive. And he mostly hangs out with his dad rather than other people. possibly bc glitter trolls have more sensitive skin? i would be too if my skin/entire body could flake off that easily.)

[msuannie]

hi hello everyone !!  ♡ i’m olivia, 21(22 in two days rip,,), she/her and this is my baby annie ~ a geumseong freshman !! in a bunch of clubs (potions, dada, cheerleading) ,, i have her profile page up and perhaps one day i will write her bio or plots pages ksdls but i’ve left a decent amount of info on her under the cut! a ♡ and we can plot~ and if u prefer to plot over discord feel free to let me know !!

ok ok so she was born and raised in england, where her parents grew up. (i’ll try and keep her family history brief here but,,uknow) her father was born in korea but their family moved to england when he was young for his dad’s job

so both of her parents attended #hogwarts together (and so did annie and her two brothers when they grew up) 

but annie’s parents when younger were both eh on the whole ~srs~ being pureblood thing and would have rather just lived normal lives,, and w/ some ~bad experiences~ (aka many things, but the betrayal of father’s friend turned dark wizard being the main one) they ended up wanting to keep their kids away from ~dangerous~ magic situations idk

and would get caught raking through her family’s personal records in their huge ass house but they never punish her for anything bc <3 our princess <3

but yes got away with a lot tbh kind of spoilt and babied (which in a condescending way she hates but she did secretly like being spoilt lmao).  but yes generally got shielded from "scary” things and treated like a baby and hates being treated like that so tries to overcompensate by being impulsive/confrontational (will probably shock u with being intense all of a sudden when u aren’t expecting it). in general the reason for her being  naive and inexperienced is cause she gets treated this way (+ she knows this lol)

[wants to rebel] [doesnt rebel] tbh she cant face the reality she wants to see

so she grew up being kept sheltered from #magicthings whilst being from a somewhat known pureblood family (who are kind of known now for wanting to have nothing to do with magic lol). but she has always been like yay magic unlike her brothers (mostly the eldest who kind of knows more things) who were like yeah sure we will do what u want

so her eldest brother was the first one to move back to korea to study at mokseong bc yes this is exactly what our family should be doing best of both worlds kind of thing. and then she ended up here too (but she does rly want to be here asdkfl)

has big fomo and hates being left out of things so ends up doing like every event ever mokseong does. Had to restrain herself from joining a million clubs, she said it’s cos she might find something else she wants to do and didn’t want to take smth she didnt like instead

so personality/connections wise she mostly wants to get on w/ everyone, will make the decision to either overshare way too much with u or just not get close to u at all, dishes stuff out but can’t take it (kind of a dick in that way lol), will make u feel bad for making her upset about stupid things. highkey soft and affectionate but at the same time friendzones most ppl and then wonders why she has zero relationship experience,, kind of immature in an endearing way and in certain moods she might be a lil annoying lol sorry asfls

[lcnguor]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

Mun Name: Mik      Age: 26       Contact: IM, discord, smoke signal, whatever.

Character(s) I rp: Nora, Spike. Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): Nora, most likely Current Fandom(s): Fandomless Fandom(s) you have an AU for:  pretty much everything I find around and hop on. My language(s): spanish, english.  Themes I’m interested in for rp:   Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc. Themes/Genres you have an AU for: modern without supernatural, I do have some fantasy set up but eh. 

Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons. Can Asks be continued?:   YES / NO   only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO. Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck. Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?:   YES / NO. Are you atm open for new plots?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. How long do you usually take to reply?:  24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years. I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse). Do you post more ic or occ?:  IC / OOC. Are you selective with following others?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting:  ask, IM, discord, singing telegram, smoke signals, messeger pidgeos -- whatever dude. I will most likely talk and ramble a lot, I do like plotting and I squeeze my brains out to think in ways to rp with ppl. and I really suck at approaching others. really...

What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner:  Ideas and somewhat more enthusiasm than me. I tend to shy away or feel very much awkward right off the bat if the person approaches me with not much to say or give. And honestly, some people really intimidate me because I am too hard on myself, so giving a bit of a pat on the back makes me relax more. I deal with a lot of anxiety and I know people run away the second I show it. 

When you notice the plotting is rather one-sided, what do you do?:  Mostly when I am doing the talk or coming with ideas or looking generally more interested. It takes effort for me to get on things and actually do stuff but if it’s not the other way around I end up thinking they got bored of me. I am one hell of insecure person. As for what I do, if after many tries of trying to reach another person and end up feeling rejected or ignored, then ... I stop. What’s the point of insisting if the other person would just be awkward or not spare you a word?

How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?:  well, I usually ask first what the other thinks or have in mind, if nothing, I either suggest or start brainstorming with the other person. I know some who have dealt with me at first I seem like a dettached person but not having ideas really makes me feel like I have not much right to talk. I want to give yet without impossing or letting it twist my arm. I know for a fact nora’s lore really doesn’t help shit for most things. 

When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: if the thread was meaningful and we were really into it , then I would ask but as for the most, I don’t really bother with it. Sometimes people just lose muse, and even if I was enjoying it, I don’t have the right  to force someone or ask why they stopped. thread dropping is normal, i guess.  - What should your partner do when dropping a thread?:  whatever they want. telling me or not is up to them, I don’t really mind. RP is not something SUPER serious like it should be just perfect. I try to convice myself of this a lot.

What could possibly lead you to drop a thread?:  either because it was old as fuck, I couldn’t find muse or because it was lost in the void of tumblr’s amazing tracking system. - Will you tell your partner?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

Is communication in the rpc important to you?   YES / NO. - And why?:  if I do not have some idea of who am i rping with and what they have in mind, then it’s nearly impossible. being purely IC is really uncomfortable and could lead to a lot of misundertandings. - Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?:  yeah. mostly yeah -- I mean, I will feel bad, I do have feelings, but I will take it with water. - Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way?  YES ( but I will feel bad anyways ) / NO.

Why do you rp again, is there a goal?:  connect with others, ramble a lot about characters, have fun. I’ve been rping since i was 12 ( back then it was not big deal your age apparently ) and having to connect with other people by making these plots and stories and just having a fun time is something that brings me joy. There’s so much that can be done. And exploring my muses with other muses influences is really helpful to fill the holes left due indecisiveness.

Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios:  I wish people joined my lore more. Having muses that could be in the same story department as Nora in particular, would be hella and inspire me more. There is so much I have. Explore nora’s power is also something I want but it’s hard -- it’s very invasive and not many would really like it, feeling it’s meta. For now, I don’t really have other muses and Spike has her little crew outside tumblr.

Themes I won’t ever rp / explore:  umm, it’s hard to think in something in particular. But mostly stuff that collides with nora’s story/character. but there is a lot I am willing to explore.

What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: casual starters are my fab. It’s easier to figure out how  to go or stop and think. plotted ones also work. as for what I dislike or cannot work with, things that force my muse to not act how they would? not giving me something solid is hard to handle. 

What type of characters catch your interest the most?:  I really like out of the norm muses, something that you see and say /oh , look at that/. Aesthetically, story wise or personality wise, something that goes out the usual troup most would use. I do have a guilty pleasure for opposite to my muse characters --- something that would really show the contrast with one another.

What type of characters catch your interest the least?:  Very basic ones? or those who try TOO hard to be special. A character that doesn’t fit in the context they are in, esp. in fandoms. HEAVILY divergent characters that just basically turn them into OCs. I know I sound like a bitch but I am the type who respect canon and the actual author behind the character too much. Also those that I don’t know much about? as in, the fandom never managed to catch my interest or smth in that line.

What are your strong aspects as rp partner?:  I know where is the line between fiction and reality. And that what your character does it does not reflect as the person you actually are. I am pretty laid back and I understand people’s views and reasoning. idk. I draw a lot if I am super invested ?

What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: I am super sporadic and can go from being super active to flat out dead for weeks. my mood swings a lot with the amount of attention I get, as horrible as it sounds. I am very anxious as a person for reasons ( not IRL mostly, just bad experience from previous partners ). I promise a lot but do little? honestly I will just bad mouth myself if I keep writing this.

Do you rp smut?:  YES ( tho mostly on discord ) / NO. Do you prefer to go into detail?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Are you okay with black curtain?:  YES / NO. - When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?:  both? - Anything you would not want to rp there?:  ehhhh, idk -- i don’t do as much to know what I don’t like here.

Are ships important to you?:   YES / NO / RELATIVE. Would you say your blog is ship-focused?:   YES / NO. Do you use read more?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse. - What do you love to explore the most in your ships?:  the very nature of human relations. I am talking about Nora big time here -- there is a lot to explore in her relations and how she reacts and acts towards someone is very very contextual. How much she fakes, how much she is sincere, how much she struggles or how relaxed can be. force her to show her real self, which is very hazy even for her as a task. Be very poetic deep and also very shallow. I particulary see her as a character that REALLY depends on her relation with the other muse -- but generally speaking for any of my muses: I love to explore them as a pair and as individuals. - What is your smut tag?: the unfamily friendly. ( new tag (?))

Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO. - And what kind of ones?: Anything? I am open to anything honestly. As long as it makes sense.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?:  Anyone who is denying their feelings, are peculiar as an individual or anyone who needs an insight of themselves and the world around them. Nora is a mentor type of character, she is here to be a support and help others explore themselves and learn. Also if you are a minor, she will most likely try to get close to help -- one must protect the good sad kids.

- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?:  Stubborn, very fixated with things. Who would not open themselves to other perspective without thinking someone is trying to change them. Also she would struggle a heck lot with psychopaths and sociopaths, or anyone that “doesn’t have a face” for her. - With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?:  Curious people, struggling ones, kids in general -- people that are willing to listen to her opinions and try to improve in a positive way. Also those who are quirky in a way. 

- What interests your Muse(s) in general:  rabbits, literature, interesting people, the unknown, learning, relationships of all natures.  - What do they desire, is their goal?:  Live long without letting her particularity ruin her -- for her kind nobody makes it past the 50s and she wants that , to conquer her ability and prove that even with something like she is ( they are ), it’s posible to live and be happy. have a family of her own, yeah she is that cheesy. - What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?:  Their actions and the emotions that they are carrying on their back.  - What do they value in a person?:    sincerity, willingness, enthusiasm. - What themes do they like talking about?:  a lot of phylosophic stuff, deep topics -- as well to casual things of life. about people and society. - Which themes bore them?:  excuses and avoidance -- people who are willing to drop everything and give up.

- Did they ever went through something traumatic?:  the attempt of suicide of her mother. and the successfull suicide of many of her peers. - What could possibly trigger them?:  any sort of threat or violence towards someone who does not asked for it. esp. her peers and family. - What could set them off, enrage them?:  Immoral ones. Those who are willing to stomp on others just to success in their goal. - What could lead to an instant kill?:  is not killing, but touch a hair of her family and you are done. same for her friends and protegees.

- Is there someone /-thing they hate?:  gorgers, suicide, her tired face. - Is there someone /-thing they love?:   her family and dear ones --- to a fault. rabbits or anything related to it.

Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  any way is okay as long as is not threatening. - Where are they usually to find?:  during the night, in the streets -- during the day is either her workplace or her house. maybe a park near her apartment/location if she is feeling stuffy.

Something you may still want to point out about your muse?:  she is not a good person , she is willing to manipulate people and is constantly trying to impose her morals. but she is also very sensitive even if she doesn’t show it --- Nora does look tired for a reason , and one of them is because she cries a lot . 

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  @skyvar​ Tagging:  @batoushoujo​ , @obtainedloss​ , @lorddiiavolo​ , @evanesense​ , @sunpierce​ , @necrotrigae​ , @maljefe​ , @ethaeria​ , @calpio​ , @veiliisms​

[renaer-is-allegedly-hot]

session 6

so pdfing and jpging things for tumblr is hard so ur just gonna deal with this have fun

I'm sleepy

Also criminal minds is v good

"rain makes sleepy" or smth I can't process anything rn

"can I just stop.. Stop trying .. With discord"

We're so quiet

And out of it

"if I have an extra belt, I'll just hook it to it" - dom2020, about the loss of his window blinds stick thing

The only people w blinds problems r jacob n dom apparently

Jacob: can we start at 3

Jacob: can we start at 4

Jacob: can we start at 5

Lol ok

If lillian is a reformed horse girl dom is a reformed cow boy

JACOB IS GOING TO REPLACE THE MILK IN DOM'S HOUSE WITH HIS

"I'm going to go to your house and replace the milk in your house with mine"

Dom didn't know males could lactate

  Last time we finished downtime w a bomb I guess

An explosion outside of our home

N then we found out the one goblin or smth killed by the explosion was the last key holder of the oh it was a gnomes it was an associate of renaer's father

Asyna given a necklace by a child + asyna's fish spirit thing

  We go into mirt's house in one of the sitting rooms

Renaer is pacing and looks concerned n frantic

U missed sylvia's question oops

Ok wait suddenly we started talking about trump and politics what happened

Ok so when it comes to protesters burning stuff like cars and businesses there are a lot of reports that it's not protesters and that it's police and/or random ppl just joining to break things

I haven't looked into that as much but one of the biggest arguments is that ppl who were really protesting wouldn't b burning down the low-income businesses n stuff that have been

  Adam asking to renaer and floon if the gnome had a reason to come to our house

Maybe gnome found out ppl were watching and maybe wanted to give us the thing

Adam asking if we need the body

if he didn't have it on him then the authorities would've confiscated

There r speak w dead practices ig

Not really any reason to believe it's not on the body

Mirt asks us to recount the events

Looked like zents

Why would zents want the gnome

Renaer said smth

All of us r flustered from day's events

Theo got 15

One of the neighbors fallah the elf person had said someone wandered off

Adam tells them abt which building the attack probs came from

Asyna brings up necklace and said it was from a puppet

Mirt takes the necklace and is looking at it

Four jewels hanging from the broken necklace, reddish-orange almost marbles

Looks like one of them had been pulled off

Stone impervious to scrying magic

Stone looks like ?????

Either with the police or on the zent or idk

Could ask trench to find it bc expert tracker

Adam runs arcana check on it

Rolls 18, learn it could have smth to do w the element of fire

"can we throw it into the fire?"

Gonna dangle the necklace over the candle

No reaction

Asyna has her deer, summons it

Comes out, paces, looks at asyna expectantly

Naya is a scrying deer so u can tell it to scry

"I'll show naya the necklace, be like, 'scry'"

Jumps around, backs up toward house front then looking for us to follow

Mirt is meeting w associates

Adam: "invite us" . "sometime"

Renaer says he'll lie low probs bc worried abt his fate

Floon says ditto basically

We're following naya and watching it move through the streets

Right as the sun sets make it further into sea ward and then naya stops and returns to the token

Back in the direction of our house toward a gated, walled-off manor house w elegant metal bars blocking some sight and a low wall covering it, locked gate

Building behind it looks two stories tall

You do not recognize the building

No visible guards, just the wall itself

Some light coming in from windows but no one in front of the windows walking around

Some light lit on the second story

Sylvia's gonna jump over it ig but I have to play w thE CHILD

Sylvia wants to use a bear

R we using my dog

Or is asyna turning into a bear

No one's around it's night

We're gonna try picking the lock first ig

Oh nvm we're knocking

Asyna is knocking

Waits a little, no response

Door made out of solid wood but we're just gonna lockpick instead of letting adam destroy it

Theo tries lockpicking, puts ear to door and eventually can't pick open lock

If asyna turns into an animal she can open the door

Squirrel!asyna time does it ez

Rolls 15 for perception

Squirrel!asyna is on the wall, there's a pathway that goes forward and one branching off towards the left to what's probably a guest house

Adam is gonna send message, eventually we notice a groundskeeper w two mastiffs

They're kinda far from us, over 100 ft away they're just making rounds

Asyna might try to unlock the door as a squirrel

Strength check as squirrel

Dogs r getting closer

Asyna can't open it

Could knock when the groundskeepers r closer

When mastiff+groundskeeper come closer we'll try that

OOP just asyna is rolling initiative as a squirrel

Lmao rolled nat20

Asyna might die ???

Climbs up wall again

Gets onto top of wall

Older human gentleman just pulls dogs aside

Groundskeeper says we can't go in and eventually walks away

Adam "not even someone who has official business with the house's master ?"

Rolls a 9, groundskeeper says come back in the sun

There's a dirt path ???? One going forward towards a porch into the main building, and a side path that eventually diverges abt 50 feet up the path further into the courtyard

Not a manor w manicured gardens, otherwise just p flat

We're gonna stealthily run for it

We make it to the main door of the house, it's unlocked - doesn't even look like it could be traditionally locked bc it's just a display door

We forgot to lock the door we left

60 feet away

Adam is giving me bardic inspiration whispered

He's playing a soft lullaby

You RUN

Can kinda shut it, to left you see the two dogs and groundskeeper but they don't notice you and you sneak back

We go into the villa

Go in, shut the door haha frozen computer

We enter and see immediately to the left 15 ft away a shut door, further down the hallway a long dinner setup

Dinner table turned over on its side

Staircase and another set of doors to right

But most of all there r dead bodies littered in the hallway

Probs 10ish

Some dressed in typical guardsmen attire w spears, smaller number of bodies covered in zents attire

We hear sounds of active fighting upstairs

Inspect the dead bodies

No one recognized, one of them collapsed in front of a doorway leading into a

Five different exits including door we came from and stairs

Check the other exits

Naya is summoned but it doesn't work

Oh bc it's once a day

Nvm there are four different doorways

One w a guard slumped over in front of it

Go to door to immediate left

Adam stealthily cracks door open, looks like a storage room

There's a skinny 5ft wide staircase to the right

Gonna check another door

Peek into another room w two human men dressed in black zent robes w maces at their belts and at the sound of the door, turn and r shocked for a second

Cel goes first

Groot gets 6 for initiative idk if there r any modifiers

They're running forward to attack

U roll 17+4 for first insight

U have sneak attack against one of the targets

14 pts of damage gOD I'M SO SORRY Y'ALL I TOOK A FAT MINUTE

U run up and stab him and he looks p heavily wounded

Cel has tripped and fallen for reasons

U get 4 damage he tries to hit u in the head so the wooden part of the mace hits ur head

Asyna

Pulls out ice knife

21 to hit, going for the one that hit me

Rolls a 1 LMAO

Ice knife

Couldn't hit him w full attack but secondary part of the attack hit him and has some damage

Adam

Runs into line of sight, they look cut up but not bloodied

Casts vicious mockery on the one u stabbed

Points at hole in gut "I bet the hole in ur gut is not as large as the hole in your heart"

4 damage

Theo

Strikes and misses

Groot

2 damage

Dom's gonna

kill my dog

Other guy attacks theo

Hits

U do 5 damage

Ok so

Ig every time u fight

U can use sneak attack ??

9 pts to damage

Ok I think ur using sneak attack wrong

Adam technically saved ur dog

Asyna

Rolls nat20 to hit

Rolls

Kills the guy

"I mean, shillelagh"

Howls in pain, slumps over on the ground

It's the bald one the guy u stabbed

Adam

Casts vicious mockery

Threatens baldness

2 damage

Theo

2, no hit

Groot

Doesn't hit

Other guy

Trying to hit theo

Hits

3 damage

Aerana

Shortsword

6 damage

Asyna

8 to hit

12 hits

7 damage

Siiiiiis imagine killing both of them wait is he dead

Oop he's not dead yet tho

Adam

Vicious mockery

Lives

Theo

16 to hit

ROLLS A ONE

LILLIAN

Four damage

BRUH

Groot misses

Other guy

Drops his weapon

Adam walks into the room

"hey buddy . What's goin on ?"

Persuasion check at disadvantage

10

Might as well kill

You kill, groot pushes adam so adam doesn't see

[han-jisung]

i followed u bc u joined stayshub n i thought ur old url, the honey one, was super cute n u seemed super lovely n now i'm so glad we're moots bc ur content is amazing n u deserve every follower !! just bc u don't know why ppl follow u doesn't mean its not well deserved (ik i am a hypocrite for saying this but ig its smth we both gotta learn absfhsdf). also sidenote but ur voice is really nice to listen to, we should vc / talk on discord sometime. anyways i'm always sending u kind vibes -sagey

thank u so much sagey :(( i like you & your blog a lot too and i'm so glad that we became moots 💞💞 also my old url :( i miss it sometimes cause ji is rlly still my honey :(

but yeah! we should rlly talk some other time again on discord! it was so nice even though i'm still having trouble speaking in english sometimes but i'm getting better c: & also i need to hear emira one day again 💓

[symptoms-syndrome]

Ok another rant but under a readmore this time bc of the weird tag search shenanigans and this has what would possibly be seen as "key words" that could come up in searches I don't want them to. Warning I guess that I'm really fucking angry rn and that this is about the introject thing again.

Ok so I haven't slept or anything so maybe this won't make sense, but I feel like a part of why I refuse to touch "introject" stuff as it currently exists online is because the struggles people post about (whether they're valid struggles or not is not my place to say) are utterly foreign to me and not relevant to my life or experience in the slightest and likely never will be. And also they're the only thing people talk about re:introjects and nobody ever shuts up about it. Primarily the issues are "people are treating me like my source and saying they love [character]" or "I saw some fanart of [character] and it made me uncomfortable" or generally? I guess fandom-y stuff. And I don't mean to victim blame here but 1. If you walk into a Danganronpa server and introduce yourself as Komaeda or smth. I'm not sure what you're expecting and 2. A lot of the issues IMO can be boiled down to "please just learn how to filter things and scroll away block tags block blogs not everything is about u"

Occasionally there's some things I relate to, but even then they're often parsed in a way extremely different from my experiences. For example, I have parts that have "memories" or feel like they miss people who never existed, but like. I am able to recognize that that's just my brain putting some new paint on old traumas to try and make them easier to swallow, for the most part, and are more symbolic than literal. I never understood "source calls" in the context of DID/OSDD, as I thought we all knew that introjects aren't from some parallel universe and are created by our brains, and thus any people in any false "memories" are not and will not ever be real people? Which I get is hard to swallow sometimes, but IDK what ppl expect to get out of meeting a stranger on the internet whos brain related to a different dude from the same thing ur brain related to. PwDID aren't like. Psychics. I feel like the advice given for these posts (if they're not just empty platitudes, which is the most common) is utterly unhelpful for me. "Do things that remind u of ur source" "buy some manga of your source" "remember ur valid as [character]" I don't want to do any of those things actually. I would actually prefer to not be validated as a character bc I am not one. It reminds me more of what I'd expect from old kin communities I was a part of as a teen than what I'd expect from people within the frame of mental illness and trauma. And like, back when I thought I was kin I guess sometimes stuff like that felt nice, but feeling nice isn't always the goal. Sometimes something feeling nice can be a detractor from something that actually does good.

Not to mention, it feels like a lot of these posts are operating on this idea that not only are introjects a Special Kind of Part (which people more eloquent than I have made posts about how that's bullshit at best) but that everyone puts their introjects front n center, "this is Naruto from Naruto and here's his pseudomemories and likes and dislikes and-" etc etc etc like I can eliminate 99% of posts about introjects from my consideration based on the fact alone that I don't tell people about my introjects. No shade to people who do share, but it's just not a universal experience like how people frame it to be.

There are definitely things that I struggle with related to introjection. I just feel like it's very uncommon to see anything beyond "people treat me like the real [character]" or "people DONT treat me like [character]" or other shit like that related to like. Entering a fandom space openly as an introject, something I could literally never imagine doing I'd sooner microwave tin foil than join a fandom discord for a media I introjected from. I feel like a lot of the things I struggle with are very internal. Between me myself and I. No pun intended.

Anyway this is more and more of an annoyance clawing at my brain every time I've made the mistake of looking at anything any of the hash tag fictives or whatever post online or even just any shit about introjects in general. And bc people can't shut the fuck up about introjects for two goddamn seconds and DID is basically treated as introject disease on tumblr.edu it feels like I can't escape it bc it's fucking everywhere everyone's gotta talk about fictives and factives and fucktives etc etc all the fucking time whenever we talk about DID bc it's sooooo important to treat the anime boys right and make sure all the shit u post online about [anime of the week] is suitable for if the real Joe Schmo from Joe Schmo Adventures sees your post about how Joe's pal Jake has a good ass or whatever. I'm sick of it.

Ironically one of the introjected parts of my sys is telling me to tone this shit down a little and the other main one isn't around RN but would definitely not approve. I don't fucking care though I need to talk about how sick I am of this shit. I know he's sick of it too even if he's nicer about it. I can bitch if I want to I'm not hurting anyone and I'm not calling anyone out or anything I'm literally just saying I'm sick of the entire DID conversation being turned into "how to make introjects comfy" esp when the answers are bullshit and only apply to niche communities but are treated like the word of fucking god. """Singlets""" getting """educated""" on why it's of utmost importance you make Bakugo from the shit system feel safe and supported and shield him from any criticism or people who just don't like that character or like him too much or whatever not to mention the fucking RACISM that keeps rearing it's ugly head every time some white motherfucker feels the need to make some weird out of touch post about racism re:introjects with "ohhh u can't say slurs" bc that's all white ppl ever talk about with racism is fucking slurs which have the least relevance to any systemic change at all.

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.