#is tiktok trying to tell me that i’m a horse girl | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

siempre-bucky · 3 years

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I.I.G.Y.M.H.W.Y.T.I.A.M.M.T.H.M.I.T.W?

COWBOY!BUCKY X READER

♡if I gave you my hand would you take it and make me the happiest man in the world?

Summary: Nat and Wanda take the reader post break up to The Stark Ranch, a beautiful little place in the lush green countryside. God she hated it, she didn't want to be here only wanted him back. With one dip of a black cowboy hat and a deep-voiced greeting, the readers brooding would have to wait.

Part 1 of 3

Warnings: light mentions of past abuse,

WC: 3.8k

A/N: there was a tiktok and it was just cowboy Sebastian Stan and this fucking song!! Here's a thing I can't stop thinking about! I edited this the best I could.

In the long, rich history of bad ideas, this had to be the worst idea anyone has ever had. Here she was, squished in between her best friends in the back of an Uber. An old country song from the 60s played on the radio as the two redheads gushed about the small town they were driving through. The most popular restaurant back in Brooklyn probably had more people inside it than this little country town.

"Are you done brooding?" Wanda complains, her Sokovian accent purely intensified the distaste in her tone.

"All I want is John, back," Y/N mutters bitterly, her jaw clenched, sinking lower into the seat. Both women roll their eyes at her comment.

"You haven't stopped mentioning Walker since we got off the plane. It's been 2 months Y/N," Natasha reminds her, checking her watch that was peaking from her black leather jacket. "Don't forget this is why we're here! A getaway is just what you need."

Has it already been 2 months? It only felt like 2 weeks since he left. His last words still sent a chill down her spine "Did you really expect me not to cheat, Y/N? It's New York, get used to it, babe." Y/N shakes her head, trying to get that man's callous words out of her head. She felt like she was already at the acceptance of the grieving process. She clearly wasn't there.

Natasha suddenly gasps, the Stark Ranch coming into view with its black iron gates, its name the biggest thing on it. Y/N looks in Nat's direction, the 4 story red and yellow inn sat in the middle of a long dirt road and was nuzzled in with the saturated green grass and big trees. Y/N thought it was pretty but she would never admit that to her friends.

"Ladies you have a good time out here! I reckon you'll find our little town quite charmin'!" The older man tells them happily as his car comes to a stop in front of the inn. The girls give him their thanks and get out to take a look at the place.

Nat's hand shielded her eyes from the sun as she looked up the place, a confident smile on her face since she picked out this place in the middle of nowhere. Wanda stood in the middle with her hands in her pockets and a relaxed smile. As for Y/N? she might as well have a dark cloud hanging over her. It smelled like grass and horses, her black ankle boots were covered in dust, and worst of all...Natasha blocked John's number. "Relaxation awaits girls!" Nat cheers as she leads her small pack into the front doors of the inn.

The inside was just a cute as the outside, country-style couches placed in the center with a mahogany coffee table littered in doilies. Guests laughed and chatted behind the french doors in the restaurant beside them. "Welcome to Stark Inn!" The front desk lady greets them, her strawberry blonde hair tied in a bun and a glossy smile on her features.

"You go check-in, I'm staying here," Y/N sighs, plopping down onto one of the floral couches, taking out her phone from her back pocket. Nat and Wanda rolled their eyes, pushing their luggage next to their friend before walking over to check-in.

She checked her phone 5 times, 5 different bell-sounding notifications from 5 different apps. Nothing from her former love, of course, not because he's blocked. The next bell sound didn't come from her phone but the front doors of the inn. The ding was followed by two men laughing loudly, one clapping the other on the back. The Y/H/C girl looks up at the source of the ruckus.

One was blonde, wearing a thin blue flannel shirt and dark jeans. He was cute, had a nice ass, and blue eyes a lady could swim in. The other man was a different story, however. A blush crept up her cheeks as she looked at him. His shoulder-length hair was tied up in a low bun, face nearly hidden by his black velvet cowboy hat. Fuck that man looked good in red flannel.

The said man looked down at her. Oh shit, she'd been caught staring at the two cowboys. Before she could look away the one in red smirked at her and dipped his hat "ma'am," he speaks in greeting, his voice was low and raspy, sending butterflies to her stomach and other regions.

"H-hi," Y/n says shyly, like a schoolgirl whose crush finally talked to her. The man turned away and walked away to walk towards the front desk, mud left behind from their boots which they were quickly scolded for.

"Well while you boys are makin' a mess 'round my inn you can take help these girls up to their room," Pepper, the co-owner huffs "307... the nice one." Pepper waves them off, turning to grab the keys to the room.

Natasha eyed the blonde man up and down, resting her back on the front desk, propping her elbows up behind her. "Hi there cowboy," she speaks to him flirtatiously, her pink lips form a smirk. The man ducks his head and laughs.

"Hi there. I'm Steve."

"Natasha."

Y/N rolled her eyes at the flirting, rising from the couch she went to grab the handle of her bag but was met with cold metal. Her eyes flew up to see the man in the back cowboy hat already grabbed a hold of it "I'm assumin' this is yours?" he chuckled with that honey-like voice. Y/N nods and crossed her arms over her chest, her hand still feeling the chill of his hand.

She followed behind them, taking the red-carpeted stairs. She was behind them enough to stare at the broadness of his shoulders, a small smile appeared on her lips thinking about what it would be like to run her hands down his back. No, she quickly erased the image out of her mind. That thought returned as they climbed the second set of stairs, her Y/E/C traveled down his back and landed on his backside as he climbed. A red rag hung out of his back pocket.

The man turned around as they reached the top, catching her stare at him "I'm Bucky," he tells her, breaking her out of her trance. Bucky was 2 for 2 catching her stare at him. The red in her cheeks matched the vibrant red of the rag her eyes were once fixated on.

"Y/N," she responds simply, her voice quiet.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, miss." His words made her skin tingle, small bumps rising to the surface of her clothed skin. Her green jacket covering all the evidence.

"It's nice to meet you too, Bucky," she ponders over his name for a minute "did your parents name you that?"

Bucky laughed, oh God his laugh was precious "No, uh- my name is actually James. Bucky is just a nickname, I like it better," he explains. Y/N moved from the back to his side as they walked up the final set of stairs.

"Both names are nice," Y/n chuckles, "they suit you." They both looked at each other and instantly smiled, she even unfolded her arms and let them linger at her side. She forgot what it was like to be comfortable after all this time. Walking on eggshells for a man who could set off at any moment was what she grew accustomed to. This was nice, even she had to admit that.

The two girls in front couldn't help but give each other a knowing look, Steve even joined in. "He hasn't dated in years," he whispers to Natasha as they approached the room.

"A shell of a man cheated and dumped her," Wanda tells them in a hushed voice.

They reached the white door with a golden plate '307' written in script numbers. "This is the best room at the inn!" Steve starts to gush, placing the bags on the ground.

"Clear view of the stables, horses walking around all the time," Bucky chimes in, his elbow nudging Y/N the arm. he looked up at him with raised eyebrows but he wasn't looking at her this time. Did he do that on purpose? No. Probably not.

"Well... we'll let you ladies get settled in. Don't hesitate to reach out of you need anything." Steve dipped his hat and started to walk away, clapping his friend on the shoulder, turning him to walk in the same direction.

"See you around, Y/N," Bucky told her before walking away. Her eyes lingered on the tall man as he walked away and even he turned around to catch another glance at her. 3 for 3.

"Did someone catch feelings already?" Natasha laughed as he unlocked the room. Y/N eyebrows furrowed in anger, walking in after her friends, roughly brushing past the sassy redhead.

"All I want is John back. I don't know what the hell that was out there," she defended herself, snarling as she sat in the chair by the large windows, her legs hanging off the ledge.

The women hung their heads and began to unpack "You can have the other bedroom," was all Wanda said before the conversation ended. Y/N felt the guilt rise in her heart. She didn't mean to be so blunt and rude to them, in the back of her mind she knew they knew they were trying. She was trying too.

Time had passed and clothes were hung and folded away in their drawers. Nat sat on her laptop looking for places to eat in town while Wanda checked in with her husband and kids back home. Y/N hadn't left the chair since they arrived. Checking her phone for someone who couldn't talk to her.

"Look at this cute little place in town! It's home cooking they call it. We should go," Nat tells the girl happily.

"I'll call the Uber after I talk to Tommy," Wanda joins in.

"I-I don't want to go," Y/N says, her voice softer than before. She turns his attention to the sables below her, a black horse being led by the man in the black hat. "Bucky," she whispers to herself. She watches him, his lips were moving, obviously talking to the beautiful animal. A smile dared to appear on her face while she watched him, she saw her reflection and she sucked in her lips. Her attention went back to her friends.

"We're not going to let you coop yourself up in this room all night, Y/N." Natasha squints her eyes in judgment, closing her computer with a loud thud.

"And I don't want to make this trip miserable for you guys. I just need to be by myself for a while."

"That's what we're afraid of. It took 2 weeks to get you out of your apartment."

"I'm doing better now!" she shouts, realizing what she did she gulped and sat straight up in the chair, placing her feet on the floor "I'm sorry, Nat. Please just go, have fun and I promise we'll do that spa ay like you wanted tomorrow."

"Fine, but give me your phone," Wanda interjected, holding out her hand while her other one placed her phone in her back pocket. Y/N scrunched her nose and shook her head. Wanda's eyebrows lowered, her hand still stretched out as she walked towards her. She cocked her head, striking fear into the Y/H/C. She hated when Wanda did that.

"How are you going to reach me if something bad happens?"

With the phone now in Wanda's hand, Nat said "We'll call the front desk."

The girls had left, telling Y/N to make her time alone useful. She wanted to sit and wallow in her never-ending sadness. She remembered a time like this at a New York lawyers convention when John left her in the room for hours while he partied downstairs. No, no, she didn't want it to be like this even if it was her choice now.

The stables. She walked over to the window and saw the red building empty from what it looked like. Maybe she could get a glimpse of the horse she saw. Bucky didn't even cross her mind then or was that the reason she wanted to go so badly. No, it had to have been the horse she saw. Keep telling yourself that.

Y/N stayed back a bit longer, giving Nat and Wanda enough time to leave the property. They would never let this go after the stable comment Bucky made. She stepped outside, the sun starting to set and a small chilled breeze brushes past her. Lurking around to make sure no one was there she slowly walked into the stable, the horses not paying her any attention.

There she was, the beautiful black mare standing her her stall, her face poking out of the window. Y/N walked over and let the horse sniff the palm of her hand "You're so pretty, my darling," Y/N beams, rubbing her nose. The horse nickered, making the woman laugh "You like compliments don't you."

"She craves attention!" A voice called out from the other side of the barn. Y/N whipped her head to the side, her heart thumping against her chest. Bucky started making his way over, two silver buckets in his strong arms. The sweat on his face didn't go unnoticed by her, she swallowed hard and took a step back from the horse.

"I-I didn't see a stay-out sign, I'm sorry if I'm not all-" her rambling was cut off by his soft chuckle and the clang of the buckets now on the ground.

" I don't mind, doll. Clementine loves the company." I was hoping you'd show up, he kept that to himself of course. "While you're here, do you want to help me brush her? She gets sad if I don't do it before I leave."

Y/N smiles softly and nods at him, her hands folded in her lap. Bucky eagerly opened the stall and allowed her to enter first. He ran around to empty the feed buckets and placing the buckets on the shelf. He pants as he hands her a brush, his awkward smile earning a thank you.

Bucky stood on one side while she stood on the other, brushing the shiny coat of Celmentines's body. The silence was a comfort and the soft brushing noises were music to their ears. She enjoyed the silence and stolen glances at each other. His steel-blue eyes fixated on his favorite horse, she'd never seen someone look that loving towards someone else.

He breaks the silence "So what brings you guys all the way out to our neck of the woods?"

Was she supposed to be honest? Because 'I'm desperately trying to get over a man who ripped my heart out' doesn't scream approachable. She bit her lip and looked at him from the other side of the horse, their searching eyes meeting.

"Fella did me wrong so my friends decided a getaway was the best medicine," she explained, a watered-down version of what the real devastating truth was.

Bucky nods as he listens to her, slowly making his way to her side, brushing Clementine's hip as a cover. He didn't push it any further, now wasn't the time and he remembered her somber appearance when he first met her in the lobby "Where ya from?" He asks instead

"Brooklyn." His ears perk up, he hadn't thought about that city in so long.

"Brooklyn?" he hums, "how's the city these days?"

"Busy," she responds, looking over at him trying not to act surprised that he moved closer. "You've been?"

"Once or twice." 7 years. He frowned and bit the inside of his cheek. Y/N hums and starts to brush the side of her neck. Clementine whinnies, making the woman jump back. "I-It's ok," Bucky tells her kindly, holding out his hand, "she likes that, let me show you." He takes off his hat and tosses it on top of the hay pile behind them.

His flesh arm placed at on her midback, bringing her closer to the horse. His metal arm covers her hand to guide the brush down Clementine's neck. The sound of her own heart was deafening, he was so close she could pick up everything. The smell of hay and horses mixed in wish musk and was the cedar? It was manly...just like him. The stands of loose hair stuck to his forehead, small grey hairs mixed into his stubble.

Her eyes shifted away from his face onto the sight in front of her, his hand over hers, the gold and black metal shining in the overhead light. She wondered if he could feel her. "Your arm?" she questions barely audibly.

"It was a military accident...I fell," he responded, she couldn't tell if there was sorrow in his voice or he was just accustomed to explaining it all the time.

"It's nice! I hope I didn't offend you," she tried to pull away from the situation she created but his flesh arm held her still. He looks down at her and smiles.

"You didn't. It was a long time ago."

His reassurance got her to relax. They eased into small talk about their lives, she learned that he was born here and always helped the Starks on the ranch when they opened it, leading into a job when he got out of school. He was kind and funny, made her heart constantly skip beats when he said something nice. It made her forget John Walker for a while.

The sun went down, the auto light of the stables turned on. Bucky knew he should've clocked out by now, but this was far better. She was sad, he knew that, but when she relaxed she was surprisingly funny with her quick wit, soft smiles, and her newfound love for his favorite girl Clementine.

"Have you ridden before?" he asks as they finish, taking her brush back.

"No," Y/N laughs as she recalls her childhood, "I saw a boy fall off one at summer camp and I swore I'd never do it. I admire from afar."

Bucky joins in on the laugh while he grabs his hat and dusts off the loose straws of hay on his hat. Y/N bits her lip and pats Clemintine one last time before the pair walked towards the door "Watch your step," he warns, holding his metal hand out for her to take. She looks at him for a moment, feeling like her feet were cement. Her eyes flash from his hand to the softness in his eyes.

"Fucking hell Y/N let's go!" John's hand outreached for her, it was shaking, matching his anger. "I'll fucking leave you here. You know, fuck it. Walk home." That hand turned into a fist... she didn't like that fist.

Hesitantly she takes it, her nervous fingers wrapping around his palm as he guided her over the edge of the stall and onto the main ground of the stable. "Thanks for letting me brush her, it was nice," she smiled, still holding his hand. She wasn't the only one who didn't let go.

"Any time, doll. How long are ya here for?"

"5 days," she responds. Not enough time, he frowned and bit the inside of his cheek.

"Well you can come down any time you'd like, Clem would like the company." I would too.

Y/N finally realized she was holding his hand, her eyes went wide and pulled away suddenly, her nervous chuckle ringing in his ears "I-I should go... thank you again Bucky."

She scurries off towards the inn, their hands still tingling. He'd never been this happy to still have nerves in his arm "God bless Wakanda tech," he praised under his breath, clenching and unclenching the hand.

"Y/N! Wait a minute," he shouts stopping her mid way. She turns and see's him standing there in the overhead light of the stable, like he was waiting for her to get there safely.

"Yeah?" she questions, matching the volume of his voice.

"While you're here you should try Happy's Diner! Best coffee in town!"

"I thought this place did?"

"Don't let Pepper convince you!"

Y/N giggles and nods "I will. Goodnight Buck."

"Goodnight, Y/N!" He watches her leave, making sure she was safely inside, she turned to catch one last glance at him making the brunette smile at her and waving her off.

It would be another hour before Natasha and Wanda returned to the room, finding their friend in the same position in the chair by the window. This time her shoes were dustier than before, black hairs visible on her cream-colored shirt. She stared at the cowboy painting on the wall in front of her like her life depended on it "What did you do all day, Y/N?" Wanda asks, tossing Y/N's phone on the bed.

She expected her to run and grab it, feverishly checking the messages John couldn't send. That reaction never came, she didn't flinch when the phone landed on the bed with a soft thud. Her mind was still a blur, Bucky was kind, he held his hand out for her and got her to the other side of the stall...he waited for her.

"This," Y/N remarks, coming out of her thoughts pointing to the chair she was occupying. The spy in the leather jacket didn't buy it, looking at the differences in her clothing and demeanor.

"Sounds like a bore," Nat sighs, deciding to let it go for a moment.

"How was the restaurant?" Y/N yawns, getting up and walking past them. The two redheads sniffed the air as she passed, it smelled like Y/N had been sleeping in a barn. Well, that was almost true.

"What the hell is that smell?" Wanda grimaced, her nose scrunching at the foul smell. Y/N stopped in her tracks and closed her eyes, she wasn't about to tell them about her time in the stable with Bucky. She brought her shirt up to her nose, fuck, it was her.

"Must be the atmosphere," she laughed it off, "I'm going to bed!" She rushes off before the accusations came and she knew they would come.

The door to the adjoining room slams shut and the girls give each other a knowing look "Twenty bucks says she smuggled Walker in here," Wanda bets.

"Nah, it was the guy with Steve. She blushed way too much to have done nothing about it."

"Fair."

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #cowboy!bucky #cowboy!bucky x reader #sebastian stan imagine #winter soldier x reader #bucky barnes au #bucky au

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ravenadottir · 3 years

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what do you think the characters would be doing after the show/how would they be using their platform? for example, i think lottie would be using hers to give people astrology readings and stuff and i think the season 3 mc would be sooo problematic online

ok but you know what? definitely! s3 mc would be causing the stir she wanted to in the villa and couldn't. i'm almost certain she would be raging and saying absurd things to get attention, something like gabby hana you know? BIG YIKES.

one thing is certain... all of them (purposely or not) would be making thirst traps... and definitely supporting masks and registering to vote. so that's a certainty for almost all of them.

lottie. witchtok constantly. not necessarily giving readings but she would be an apologist and majority on that tag. her instagram would be split into two accounts: one for her personal endeavours like thirst traps and *looks of the day*, and a second for her brand as a makeup artist/personal stylist. cause i think that would be so fucking cool! lottie knows how to perpetuate her personal brand and would use social media for that as well. here's some edits i did in the past to explain it better. i headcanon a collab with elisa for wigs that they would both wear on social media, so that's something i really like! plus, advocating for women's rights, especially when a male politician says something dumb, so you know, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

bobby. in the middle of the pandemic? can't help thinking he would be doing some humorous videos, but in my head they're not the funny type. just some cringey ones... don't get me wrong, but bobby is only funny when he's not trying to, and in social media he strikes me as the type that not only makes videos but also puts the towel over his head to play a girl, so that's probably the majority of his content. some food of course, and DEFINITELY some *cute* selfies that he knows it works as thirst traps. i think he talks about registering to vote and blm, but doesn't give his opinion on anything else, politics wise. here's bobby's feed for the rest.

gary. i'm not thrilled to inform that gary would be thirst trapping all the time. now that he's relatively famous there's no reason why not posting those pics and videos. between tik tok trends to show off his muscles, and instagram to... well, do that exact same thing, he might take some time to show nan and the soup kitchen, but overall... thirst traps. possibly being blunt about masks and registering but his content is very closed off. also, he will get a dog and encourage people to adopt. there's a lot of pranks on dicky and vice versa, so that's something i thought for his social media, just couldn't find a good faceclaim that has a variety of pics.

lucas. mostly bringing awareness about covid and the use of masks, probably pointing it out a couple of political disputes, and definitely advising people to be careful about their votes all around the world. i like to think he's a huge advocate for legalization of a certain practice that women have to beg to have (you know the one), and i think he knows exactly how to make a thirst trap without making one. stop asian hate and blm carrds present, and often giving his followers the incentive to donate. DEFINITELY 'look of the day' for at least the weekend, and lots and lots of landscape from the places he's been visiting or wishing to.

henrik. he's everywhere and he takes his phone to talk about it. no doubt henrik is having the time of his life by travelling alone, or with his wife, and doing lives at all times. i think you would see him doing lives in the middle of the night, or watching the sunset/sunrise with his followers, besides making his *questionable* forest foraging and recipes. survival videos? MOST LIKELY THAN YOU THINK. here's his social media, where i covered mostly of what his relationship would like on instagram. (heavily based off "beyond the hill").

carl. the amount of rpg on his stories? immaculate. chess? you bet! lots and lots of carl's launchings for his company, which does have a separate account but he can't quite separate himself from it and it shows on his feed. his relationship would be discreetly displayed with cryptic captions since he's not so sentimental. here's his feed with some personal things he would be encouraged to post and boost that confidence of his.

anon that asked for more hannah stuff, this is for you:

hannah. i have one for her because i do like her aesthetic. don't mind the faceclaim, it was the only one i could find in so many situations. horses, books, some *cute* selfies, travelling pics and more. on tiktok definitely booktok, no doubt about it. she might do a lot of the "telling the story of my book as a story time" trend to promote it and say "technically it's real life."

elisa. it's all about branding and she knows how to do it well! some influencers might not get political because of how they can be perceived but i think elisa doesn't give a flying fuck about that. she talks often about blm and vaccines on her stories. i get a jackie aina vibe from her when talking about brands that support/encourage dark skin models and influencers, so that's a plus. she will give shit to a makeup brand that doesn't care for shade range and won't hide her feelings about it. here's her usual feed, with looks and tours (that i'm certain she would do a lot). i also think she'll eventually cave and have a brand of wigs, clothes and makeup, AS SHE SHOULD.

hope. there's no question about her activism on social media and i like to imagine she would be speaking up against anti-vaxxers and racism, mostly. just like yewande, she would probably talk about every time she felt the show might've favoured people that don't look like her. we would be getting the hot tea on everything since she's so honest. there's also lots of looks and promoting her friends' products because she supports them so much. priya's clothing line, elisa x lottie collab, etc. here's the feed i made for her a while ago.

chelsea. she might not be that deep into politics but she'll talk about covid and how people should be more careful about it, "wearing all these cute masks my babes lozza made for us!". LOTS of *look of the day* and tours on the spaces she decorates, besides the behind the scenes of parties and weddings (of ex-islanders) that i know she would throw. her feed also includes her closet, supporting her friends' endeavours and promoting them, besides some random mug collection shots and FOR SURE a pug selfie with mc.

priya. there's not much to say except for the occasional thirst trap (with those amazing thigh, ffs she should), lots of vaccine warnings, definitely political anecdotes and her clothing brand. i love to think she would have an actual boutique once things get settled after covid, and she would use social media to promote every line. her feed consists mostly of her travelling, designs, supporting the girls and her photoshoots.

kassam. lots and lots of backstage photos and that *prickly* way of demanding people to use their brains and wear a mask, besides getting the vaccine. in studio or just before the stage, selfies with a clothing line with his logo and definitely pics with islanders he didn't get to meet but is now friends with. during covid he would be using his lives to play for his followers, like lots of dj's and musicians i've seen doing on reddit and tiktok, probably called "late night music" or something like that. encouraging followers to donate for causes as well.

noah. not so huge on social media, might be the most discrete of them all. there would be lots and lots of pictures of the mornings before he opens the library, because i sincerely think he would keep his job. not the most outspoken about certain matters but carrds like the blm's and 'stop asian hate''s are on all of his bio's. i do like to imagine him taking selfies with the boys from the show, like ibrahim. he would be so present in noah's feed it's not even funny. the casual "cute unintentional" thirst trap too. family photos from ages ago and lots of his siblings as well. he does love to write long captions for whenever he posts his girlfriend. one thing though, during the first few months on the outside, he wouldn't be so present, afraid of facing the bashing on him if he got with mc in the show. that could be a reason for him to stay away until people "forget" about it.

marisol. SO - MANY - SUITS - SELFIES it makes me cry happy tears. between advocating for women's rights in a more technical way, she would definitely be using her platform to also talk about lgbtq+, especially after the realization she had during her journey. lots and lots of activism about those things, and i think she would be doing a fine job. definitely promoting the girls' products/services and an occasional thirst trap with a braless suit look.

rocco. covidiot. (i just wanted to use this nickname one more time). he might get a hard time from followers and villa buddies because of his stance on vaccines. i just hope he reads some articles instead of sharing bibity-bobity-bullshit on facebook and instagram. there's lots of vaccine memes on his comment sections no matter what he posts though. it's gonna take a while for the public to move on.

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nahimjustfeelingit-writes · 3 years

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I want to piggy back off the anon who wrote a chapter on Michael/Lori (no shade cause I’m about to write one too lol). I agree with everything the person wrote especially Lori not being happy. Even when she’s posting modeling pics she looks bored & very dead in the eyes & they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Her happiest was when she was riding horses & even though she got hurt I think she could’ve bought a horse ranch & taught others instead of trying to be an IT girl. I think she gets around because she has unresolved REAL daddy issues along with seeing how her mom got down. She comes off as very insecure cause when Michael was hanging out with that TikToker Katie Florence (who Michael looked happy around) Lori had him going on “vacation” a few days later to have people thinking it’s all good & to probably throw shade. Plus the sudden weight loss probably trying to please society. A lot of people say she moves on fast but how do we know these guys don’t pump & dump her (no shade)? Maybe there’s some truth when Future said ‘she must’ve forgot to tell her daddy she begged me not to leave’. She went back to Future twice & I don’t know why she went to him once. For someone who’s very privileged she makes bad decisions in general from men, to friends & then staging carjackings & hit/runs. Apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree on both ends of the gene pool. As far as Michael goes even though he does his dirt on the low one thing he never wants to be is embarrassed especially publicly & I have a strong feeling he deeply cares what others think of him & is always looking for acceptance. I don’t understand why he got with her. Her past goes deeper than her relationships. Her real dad & siblings dad were major drug dealers & Marjorie was very involved & Steve did his ex wives (especially the 2nd wife Mary) & bio kids so dirty with Marjorie’s help (YouTuber Genevas closett has all the Steve/Marjorie tea with real receipts). I don’t blame his family for not wanting anything to do with this cause of Lori & her family’s past. Michael to me comes across as someone who doesn’t do drama but does do drama & then wonders why people talk about him. I also think he got into this mess hoping it would take his mind off of Chadwick (rip) cause he hasn’t been the same. 2020 you can tell he was depressed around summer when he let himself go & started looking like Erik killmonger on crack & after Chadwick it got worse. Appearance & hygiene is the 1st to go when a person gets really depressed. He even started looking a mess after Valentine’s Day & only cleaned himself up for his movies. And without his makeup team he looks older & Lori is looking older too especially after the weight loss (still pretty). This is why I don’t envy these celebrities, their lives & relationships cause 9x outta 10 it’s lies & with the pandemic still going on many of them are desperate for money. I’m sure Michael is ok but Lori tries too hard to live like a Kardashian & it’s literally costing her (networth $1million) & I don’t think Steve is funding her lifestyle anymore which is why she put out the skincare line so fast. At 1st she always posted all her “wealth” & now she doesn’t (as much). She always posted her lambo truck but the paps took video of her last month leaving her workout class in a truck similar to the one she had her hit/run in. She claimed Serena Williams sent her workout clothes from her collection but Serena never responded & Lori always wears the same black leggings. She tags all these designers in her stories but we barely see the items & the designers don’t follow or repost her. It’s makes me wonder if she’s low key begging for modeling jobs. Michael Kors doesn’t follow her but they follow all the other models they featured recently. She went to NY fashion week just to sit in the crowd & went to Paris but no videos of her even being at Paris fashion week. Her & Michael need to end this cause neither one is really getting what they want especially him. Gay/Becky rumors will forever follow just like her reputation will forever follower.

This was indeed long but still I read the whole damn thing and you hit a lot of points that I’m still shocked about which is her fathers past. I do agree that Mike had was going through it last year! I think he still is honestly. This was tea 🍵

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headcanonsandhijinx · 3 years

Text

Breaking Point

Edit: this was originally called ‘Wild Angst Oneshot’ as I couldn’t think of a name, but due to a great suggestion by Narutofan8762 on AO3, it’s now titled ‘Breaking Point’.

I was scrolling on tiktok and saw an acting video with an audio that was from Supergirl, basically yelling at someone who had abandoned her and my brain immediately went ‘Wild yelling at Hylia!’ So I had to try and write this, and then I turned it into a Linked Universe fic because I’m kinda obsessed.

Under the cut, because as usual, my oneshots tend to get pretty long, pretty quickly...

***

She was cold.

That was all he could think as his heart thundered in his chest. She was cold in his arms.

He had finally defeated Calamity Ganon and as the beast finally disappeared from the land that it had long tormented, she had appeared. Zelda was finally free.

He had been running towards her before he even realised and had pulled the princess into a hug with repeated apologies falling from his dry, cracked lips.

Zelda had wrapped her arms back around him and managed to speak into his ear before she went limp in his arms. He had let his body move down to the ground to keep her cradled in his arms, but it was too late.

As soon as he took her face in his hands, the light left her eyes and she breathed her last.

That was how he stayed for hours. In the middle of Hyrule Field, with the body of the woman he was supposed to protect as he cried and her final words repeated over and over in his mind.

“You have nothing to apologise for, Link. You saved us all”

***

Several hours later, found her body draped across his lap, with one of his hands gently holding the back of her head and the other wrapped around her back, while he rocked back and forth as he cried out his grief to the world. He had sat there and screaming and crying for hours over her body.

Then when morning came, he picked up Zelda’s body, called over his horse and began the long trek back to Kakariko Village.

***

Impa had been distressed to see the princess’ body, and it wasn’t helped by the state of Link’s injuries that he had neglected in his grief. A broken arm, 4 cracked ribs, scrapes, bruises, and a concussion.

Impa had insisted that he stay in Kakariko while he healed and the funeral was planned. The time seemed to go by in a blink and before he knew it, the day of the funeral arrived. In a strange turn from the blur of the past few days, the ceremony seemed to last longer than the hundred years he’d slept as Link watched the body of the one he swore protect be laid to rest.

Link was just thankful that the gravesite had been moved from the original plan to bury her near the remnants of the castle, but he couldn’t bear to lay her body to rest in the place where she’d been trapped for a hundred years. She was being buried by the pond atop Satori Mountain. Link had regained a memory of visiting it with Zelda and she’d been amazed by it, so he had brought up the idea of burying her there with Impa, who had agreed to his signing and changed the plans.

Once the ceremony had concluded, Impa had invited Link stay in Kakariko and after a while, he had surprisingly accepted the offer. However, Impa didn’t tell him that she was scared he may do something drastic and he did, just not in the way anyone expected.

He just stayed in the spare house he was staying in, seemingly okay with secluding himself away from the rest of the world. Thoughts of his failure and weakness became his only constant companion as he wouldn’t leave the house for anyone. No matter who came to see him, he wouldn’t answer and if someone journeyed inside, he wouldn’t reply to any questions. And the more they tried to help, the more he pulled away. Eventually, Impa had to ask everyone to keep monitoring him but to leave him alone, out of fear that he may run away and never been seen again if they pushed too much.

They still tried to help, but in little ways that included minimal interaction, if they even saw him. Food would be left outside the door for him and it would be eaten, but only just enough to keep himself alive. He would train and practice constantly during the day and the nights where he couldn’t sleep for fear of failing Hyrule again, often passing out in the middle of the floor sometimes for desperately needed rest.

And that was the way it stayed for six months. A constant cycle of self-loathing and punishing himself for not being good enough.

Until a gang of travelers had walked into Kakariko.

***

“We’ve been walking for ages.” Wind complained as he panted with his hands on his knees and he wasn’t the only one. The group had been walking for almost an entire day and still hadn’t found a settlement or village to rest at, and they’d found this Hyrule’s Beadle who had given them directions, but the group was questioning how accurate they were.

“Well Beadle said Kakariko was this way and he said it wasn’t far, but I think he was just trying to get rid of us before Sky bought all his bugs.” Warrior joked as he stood beside Sky, who elbowed him in the side.

“Come on, he said we should be there by midday if we were quick enough and then we can rest there.” Time chimed in from his place walking at the front of the ground. There were several groans but no more complaints as they continued walking.

It was around two hours later when they finally saw the entrance to this Hyrule’s version of Kakariko Village and upon seeing it, the groups let out several sighs of relief as they journeyed inside.

There were only a few people around the village from what Twilight could see. As he walked in, he spotted a man painting, a little girl sitting by a fire, another younger girl running around and some guards standing in front of a set of stairs that lead up to a building.

“Okay, we should ask later and see if we can find this Hyrule’s hero.” Twilight suggested as he turned around to face the rest of the group, who were all surveying the village as well.

“You’re looking for the hero?” A small voice came from behind him and as he turned, he saw the little girl that was running around a moment ago.

“Yeah, we are. Do you know where he is?” Wind asked the girl.

“Yes, but daddy says he’s ill so he never leaves the house.” The little girl answered before they heard another voice and a man came over to join them.

“I’m sorry sirs, I hope my daughter wasn’t being any trouble.” He said as he looked down lovingly at the girl.

“Oh no sir. She was just telling us where we could find someone that we are looking for.” Time replied.

“Well, perhaps I may be able to offer you some more assistance. Who are you looking for?” The man asked kindly.

“We’re looking for the hero, presumably goes by the name ‘Link’.” Legend spoke up and it was quite jarring to see how quickly the smile left the man’s face.

“You should all come with me.” The smile didn’t return.

***

They’d been herded into a house at the top of a long staircase after that and introduced to this Hyrule’s Impa. She had quickly filled them in on the situation as much as she could and it was a lot to take in.

The land had been decimated by this Hyrule’s Ganon and had suffered for a hundred years, until Link could finally defeat him. (she hadn’t told them about Wild’s death. That would be something for the boy to explain on his own terms. Impa tried to give him control over the very little that he had a say in. She wouldn’t take this explanation away from him too.)

They’d then been left alone in the room and were trying to think of how to approach this new Link when Legend spoke up.

“You heard how they talked about him! How are we supposed to break it to him? Huh, just dump it on him when these guys have said that he’s ill.” Legend snapped. “Hey, we’re all reincarnations of the hero and we’ve all defeated some kind of evil that has threatened our Hyrules. Now Hylia is grouping us all together on a new quest so we can figure out who is behind all these black blooded monsters and stop them. If she’s brought us here then we need you to help us. You’ll probably need to say your goodbyes because she’ll make you join us whether you want to or not. How does that sound?” He snapped sarcastically, already done with the situation.

But nobody spoke, not even to scold him for his outburst and Legend turned around to see this Hyrule’s Link standing in the room’s doorway, presumably having just heard his rant about their quest.

Fuck.

But that wasn’t the worst part of the situation. The worst part of the situation was this Link’s appearance.

The group didn’t know what was worse about it. The painful looking scars that covered part of his left cheek creeping up to cover his ear and snaking down his neck to presumably cover his body as well, or the blank look of numbness on the boy’s face. He had walked in with Paya as he stared into the distance at nothing, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings as he stood there. Warriors had been closest and he recognised the look in this Link’s eyes. It was the look of someone who had completely given up and retreated from the world. He’d seen it on lots of fellow soldiers on the battlefield and off it. Men who’d retreated into their heads because the war was too scarring.

That was when the new Link had pulled something from his belt and vanished in shards of glowing blue light, teleporting away before anyone could even say anything.

“Great. Now what do we do?” Wind questioned, unsure of how to precede.

“I fear there is nothing we can do, apart from wait for his return.” This Hyrules Impa spoke up. “Link knows how to hide when he doesn’t want to be found and the more we try to force our company into him, the more he resists it.” The group were reluctant to accept this at all, but eventually conceded after Impa told them that he would probably return soon, once he got his head around what was going on and came up with a plan. (She didn’t tell them that she was even more worried about Link then they were.)

***

Link walked through Hateno Village as he headed towards the house he had bought almost a year ago, hoping that one day he may be able to take Zelda there. However, that would never happen now.

The wooden bridge beneath him creaked as he moved across it. His eyes now set on the item before him that was his reason for coming here at all. He strode fowards and wrapped his hands around it before it vanished in streams of blue light into his slate. He opened the map, selected his next location and disappeared.

Leaving Bolson and Karson behind as they looked at each other worriedly. They hadn’t seen him in months and he hadn’t even seemed to hear them calling his name.

***

He walked inside with the sledgehammer he had taken from outside his house as he set his sights on the aim of his journey.

The statue of the goddess Hylia, in the Temple of Time.

The goddess who had ignored her peoples suffering. Who had left her people to die. Who had let everyone he knew die. Who had ignored Zelda’s prayers and pleas for her help with her dormant powers, and had ignored his silent pleas for years.

Who was now demanding his help again, threatening to rip his world away from him once again if he refused.

Walking to the base of the statue and shifting his stance, he swung the hammer into the side of it. Before pulling it back and hitting it over and over and over again, parts of the ancient statue crumbling to the ground as the hero released his fury.

“You were supposed to protect us! You were supposed to protect your people! Protect the land and people you created!” He screamed the first words he had said in months, his voice hoarse and rough in his throat. “You were supposed to protect her! She trusted you, she believed in you!” His voice cracked and his throat ached as he yelled, unused to being used at such a loud volume.

Then he stopped and let the head of the sledgehammer rest on the floor as Link realised something.

“I... I believed in you.” It was practically a whisper.

“I trusted you.” It was louder now.

“I trusted you! I thought you’d help us. I thought you’d help me, but you abandoned us! You just left us all to die! You let me die!” He couldn’t breathe because he had trusted her and look where that trust had gotten him.

Nowhere.

“I lost everything.” He thought outloud.

“Do you hear me? I’ve lost everything because of you and your stupid quest!” His ears were ringing as he started screaming again as the hammer was back striking at the statue of the goddess even harder then before.

“I lost my family!” A family he couldn’t even remember.

“I lost my home!” Another place thats memories were lost to him.

“I lost everyone I’ve ever cared about!” That was something he could only assume. He must of had a family at some point, maybe even some friends? He just didn’t know.

“Daruk” His back throbbed with phantom pain in memory of how hard his congratulatory back ‘pats’ were. How loud his voice was, even when he was trying to be quiet.

“Revali” Even though they had mainly been at odds with each other, Link still remembered a few things. The way he would preen whenever he got any amount of attention, or the sound of his wings gliding through the air.

“Urbosa” The sound of her voice rang through his ears, how she’d always sounded so confident and sure of herself. How proud she was of her people and her culture.

“Mipha” The girl he was supposedly in love with, and he could barely remember anything about her. He could remember how soft her voice was but how she was also incredibly fierce in battle when defending those she loved, but that was it. There was practically nothing left.

“Ze-Zelda!” He hit the statue so hard that his hammer shattered into pieces, as he thought of the few things that he could actually remember about her. The way her eyes light up when she talked about the Shiekah technology or a rare species of animal or flower. The way her nose would slightly scrunch up and her eyebrows would furrow when she was annoyed at him. The way her hands shook when she held him as he died in her arms.

“I’ve lost everything because of you! I have nothing left anymore! I’m done. Do you hear me? I’m done with you!” He was no longer screaming, but he wasn’t done yet.

Looking up at the partially ruined statue before him, he dropped to his knees among the stones that now littered the floor. And dropping his head into his hands, he took a deep breath, before he threw his head back...

And screamed.

It was long and loud and every time he ran out of breath, he just took a deeper one and started again. The screams were haunting, heartbreaking and full of grief because Link, after years of mounting pressure, trauma and incapacitating grief, was finally breaking down.

***

When Link awoke he hadn’t realised that he’d fallen asleep, or more accurately, that he’d passed out after screaming for hours. His throat was sore and he felt like he was drifting in that weird feeling numbness that usually occurred when he had a breakdown, although they had never been this bad before.

He looked at the destruction around him and to his surprise, he didn’t feel guilty about it. He’d expected to feel guilty like he always did these days, blaming himself for everything that went wrong. Even if he knew that, logically, there wasn’t any possible way that he could be responsible for it.

But this? This left him feeling hollow instead. Because there was nothing left of him anymore.

He was tired and emotionally drained and he wanted to stay here in his Hyrule. He didn’t want to be forced into being the Goddess’ pawn again, and yet he had no choice. He never had a choice when it came to the Goddess and her will, that was a lesson he learned a long time ago.

He took a moment to breathe and took out the sheikah slate to teleport back to Kakariko.

‘Time to face the Goddess’, he thought as he tried to prepare himself to once again succumb to the Goddess’ wishes and relinquish any thoughts of freedom.

It wouldn’t do any good to imagine a luxury that he would never be granted.

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farfromparker · 4 years

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Erotas - Chapter One | t.h.

Chapter Two

Pairing: Tom Holland x Female Reader

Summary: Your cousin is getting married in Greece and you just can’t face them as the stereotypical single girl they all see you as anymore.

Warnings: Cursing

A/N: Buckle up kids, we’re going to trope city. fake dating, there’s only bed, friends to lovers, probably some others, we’ll see. Smut in future chapters. Special thanks to @worldoftom!! 💞💞

Word Count: a quick 1.4k to get your feet wet

As you turn the ignition of your car off, you slump back against the seat. Head pushed back against the headrest. Overwhelmed and frankly embarrassed by what just transpired in the last hour. How did you let yourself get into this position? Why couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut? Or simply have said, Yeah I’ll be there.

No, instead, when your cousin told you she was getting married next month, which that’s a whole other ball of wax you’re not committed enough to get into, you said, Great, my boyfriend and I will be there. Except… there was no boyfriend. There wasn’t even a hookup you could pass off as a boyfriend.

And the table had erupted around you when you said that, because none of them knew of this boyfriend. Of course they didn’t, he didn’t exist. Somehow, by the grace of God, you had managed to dodge enough questions that left him vague enough that he could be anyone but attractive and interesting all at once. And they just couldn’t wait to meet him.

You were so royally fucked.

As you walked up to your front door, you started going down the list of guys you know that your family doesn’t. And man, is that list short. Harrison was the obvious choice but they all know him, know how you’d said a million times you’d never date. And besides the fact that was the one person’s name that actually came up over lunch. And you adamantly denied that your boyfriend was Haz.

Your shoulders slump again. Couldn’t make it easy on yourself could you?

Then there’s Max, a friend from work that has hinted on more than one occasion that he’s interested in you. And although he is cute, and you two do get along, a real relationship is something you definitely don’t want with him. And it would be awful of you to lead him on. A week in some romantic island off of Greece? He’s going to get the wrong impression.

Finally there’s Brian, your ex. Well, ex is almost too strong of a word. You’d hooked up with him twice but now hadn’t seen him in months. But his number was definitely still buried in your phone somewhere. He was cute, yet the more you think about it, he was kind of a douche. Is that really the guy you want to hang around in paradise with?

You sigh, pushing the door open and, as you step inside, you’re met with booming voices, loud laughs echoing off the walls along with the tell tale video game noises accompanying them. Harrison hears the door and you hear him call out to you.

“Come join us, Tom is getting absolutely destroyed.”

“Yeah well, when you two fuckers are ganging up me,” Tom retorts, a hint of bitterness in his tone.

You laugh, kicking out of your shoes and hanging up your coat. It’s enough to distract you from the dumpster fire that you’ve found yourself in. For a moment anyway.

“I’ll be on Tom’s team then,” you say, stepping into the living room. Tom’s grinning from ear to ear when you say that.

“Finally, someone in this house actually likes me!”

“She feels sorry for you,” Harry corrects him, laughing when Tom’s face drops.

“I can like him and feel sorry for him at the same time,” you say, shrugging your shoulders.

Haz and Harry laugh, and Tom looks absolutely betrayed. But you wink at him, unseen by the other two and he smiles then, laughing along. And suddenly it hits you. Your family doesn’t know Tom, he’s more Harrison’s friend than yours. But you’re still close, he finds himself over here all the time, playing video games, watching movies, he’s always up for a trip to the pub. And he’s cute.

He’s perfect.

“Tom, I need you to be my boyfriend.”

And you’re not sure the house has ever gotten so quiet, so quickly. Three sets of eyes staring back at you, all three as wide as saucers. Tom’s mouth is open wide enough to catch flies. You squeeze your eyes shut, “Sorry, I should elaborate.”

“Did you just ask Tom out?” Harry asks, looking like he’s trying to cover a laugh.

“She demanded it,” Haz points out.

Tom’s mouth is still hanging open.

“Okay, okay, I put my big fat foot in my mouth today and I need help. My cousin is getting married next month in Greece and she just sprang it on me in front of my aunt and my mum and they were all just staring at me! And I just blurted out that me and my boyfriend will be there and - well, clearly I don’t have a boyfriend…”

“I’ll do it!” Harrison interjects. And you’d kiss him right now if you hadn’t further swallowed your foot earlier.

“I - I already told them it wasn’t you.”

His face scrunches, bottom lip jutting out. “Why?” he whines. “I’d make a perfect fake boyfriend.”

“Yeah and I’d told them all a million times we’d never date. I fought that question off for months when we first moved in together. I couldn’t swallow my pride in front of my cousin like that. She’d never get off her high horse if she was right about you and me.”

“So what did you tell them?” Harry asks.

“Just that he was sweet and charming and he couldn’t wait to meet all of them. But I didn’t give them a name, mainly because I didn’t have one.”

Tom is nodding, still a little wide eyed. His mouth is shut now at least. He’s leaning forward, elbows on his knees, lost in his own mind as your conversation carries on around him.

“So he could be anyone…” Harry trails off, “that was smart.”

You laugh, none of this was smart.

“Well if he’s sweet and charming, he definitely can’t be Tom,” Harrison says, straight faced and Tom finally starts to look like normal again.

“Fuck off,” he says, flipping Harrison off.

“Anyway I don’t know who else I’d ask. I mean - I don’t mean to put you on the spot, Tom. If you don’t want to, obviously I’m not going to force you into anything. I’ll just… tell them it was a lie and then move to Antarctica or something.”

“No!” Tom says suddenly, he licks his lips. “No, it’s okay. I’ll do it.”

Now it’s your turn for your mouth to hang open. “Are you sure? Like really sure? You don’t have to do this. I can say my boyfriend and I broke up or something.” You bring up your hands to put air quotes around the word boyfriend.

“No really, I’ll do it.” And he’s smiling now, genuinely and you feel the knot in your stomach loosen for the first time since you opened your mouth at lunch. “I think I'm a pretty great boyfriend, so faking it should be even easier. Plus, you said Greece.”

“Oh my god, I could kiss you right now,” you say, smiling from ear to ear, and Tom’s gaze drops to the floor for a moment, reaching up to rub at his earlobe, looking shy.

“Well you probably should,” Harry says, “He can’t be your fake boyfriend if you don’t kiss. No way the family is gonna buy that.” And he’s doing it to be a bit of prick but he’s absolutely right, there’s no way you’ll survive a week in Greece without kissing Tom in front of somebody at some point.

“Right,” you say, walking over to Tom and he leans back, eyes a little wide like a deer caught in the headlights. You pause for a second, giving him the time to process. The time to agree to this. His hand jerks forward on his leg, fingers opening up to you and he nods softly, a small, quick movement.

You lean down, cupping his jaw and pressing your lips to his. They’re soft, pliable against your own and you press into him a little more firmly, moving against his lips for a moment. His hand touches your thigh softly and someone is clearing their throat.

You pull back, hand falling away from his face and you give one, curt nod, “Good. Good?” You raise your eyebrows at him.

He nods, clearing his throat. “Yeah, good, good.”

“Good.”

Harrison laughs at the two of you and that breaks the little bit of tension that was hanging in the air. “You know, I was gonna offer to bring you all a beer but you two,” you point at Harry and Haz, “have been dicks, so I think I’ll just grab one for myself and Tom.”

Tom smiles, looking up at you as you turn to him, smirking before heading into the kitchen. You hear him as you dig in the fridge.

“Man, my girlfriend is pretty awesome.”

And then there’s a chorus of groans. You can only laugh.

Taglist:

@xximaweirdoxx @selfcarecapmain @billythebully09 @cyrusandhiscollaredahirts @honeymarvel @lovinnholland @little-miss-naill @holland-in-disguise @wordless08 @multifandomgirl-us @tiktok-spideyy @fangirlfree @theolwebshooter @headlights95 @thirsttrapholland @ablazeofhope @hazmyheart @let-the-music-take-c0ntrol @afterglownights @hollandbitch @delicately-important-trash@parkersvibes

#tom holland #tom holland fic #tom holland x reader #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fluff #tom holland smut #my writing #erotas

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sylvesterlestermanchester · 3 years

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Fearfully and Wonderfully

Summary: Dan wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to experience when he starts his first semester at Uni, but he was pretty sure an incredibly sheltered Catholic boy stealing his heart wasn’t on his list of typical college tropes.

Word Count: 12401

Genre: Humor, fluff, angst. All mixed together. Fun times!

Warnings: Conversion therapy, homophobia, brief allusions to sex and genitals. One puke joke?

A/N: This is my first ever published fic-I’ve been writing for literally years little bits and pieces, but COVID has me going crazy and I just wanted to put some effort into an actual thing. Thanks for reading!

Dan wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he walked through the door to his dorm the first time, parents and sullen little brother in tow. All of his knowledge about Uni had been from TV and movies-maybe he would have some frat guy in the bed across from him, or maybe a stoner, or maybe a weird silent dude who will disappear after the first week and let Dan put their beds together so they would actually fit his gangly body.

What he isn’t expecting is to have an eight-year-old girl bodyslam herself into his legs, followed by a loud groan and a sharp voice scolding “Suzanne, we told you to stop running!”

Dan’s eyes look down at the (quickly retreating) girl and blinks a few times as he takes in the scene in front of him. There are way too many people in the crowded room right now-he counts two identical boys, both around 10, bouncing on the stiff dorm bed, one pre-teen digging through a cardboard box, a girl around Adrian’s age whispering something to an older woman with a toddler in her arms, standing next to a quiet-looking tall man, and, of course, the eight-year-old, now having been scooped up by a sheepish looking guy around Dan’s age who’s giving him an apologetic smile. This must be the Philip Lester on his room assignment form. “Sorry. My family is kind of, erm, excited.” He says with a small, nervous laugh and sets the girl aside before sticking out a hand to shake. “I’m Phil! You must be, um...Daniel, right?”

Dan takes a second to readjust the bags in his arms to shake Phil’s hand awkwardly, trying not to look too overwhelmed at the scene in front of him. “Dan’s fine.”

The kids have all frozen in place, staring at Dan with wide eyes like Dan just sprouted a second head. There’s a few long beats of silence as Phil shakes his hand just a little too enthusiastically for just a bit too long.

Finally, Phil’s mum places a hand on her son’s shoulder, beaming brightly. “It’s so great our boys will be living together!” She cheers to Dan’s mum, who looks a bit bewildered. Ms. Lester gently takes a few of Dan’s bags and sets them on the bed, continuing to chatter on. “Come on, we can unpack while you two get to know each other better. I need to know who my son is going to be rooming with, right?” She continues to babble in a thick northern drawl as Dan glances back at his parents, who look like they’re about to bolt for the door and leave their son to be swallowed whole by these people.

“You’re rooming with an absolute freak,” Adrian mumbles in his ear with a small smirk. “Karma is a bitch, huh?” “Shut up.” Dan hisses back through his teeth, trying to look as interested as possible as Phil’s mum keeps talking.

“The weather here is so nice-it’s already getting cold up in Rossendale, can you believe it? Max and Adam were running around outside, and I was so scared they were gonna catch cold, you know how quickly little ones do. Oh, the drive here was wonderful-” “We saw cows!” One of the kids butts in, and suddenly they’re all talking, any nervousness they had around the strangers suddenly vanishing.

“And horses!” “We got hamburgers, and there was this huge truck-it had to have, like, forty wheels-” Phil seems to take after his dad, quietly but quickly unpacking since his siblings have seemingly given up on it in favor of telling Dan’s family every detail of the six-hour car ride. At one point he makes eye contact with Phil, who gives him an apologetic look, his cheeks flushed and an embarrassed grin on his face as the kids chatter along excitedly like they’ve never talked to another person before.

Finally, right when Dan feels like his ears are going to fall off, Phil speaks up again. “I-I think I can get this from here, guys. Mum, Dad, why don’t we go out for a walk before we say goodbye? I know you guys want to see the geese on campus, right?” The kids all cheer like geese are the most exciting thing on Earth, scrambling for the door. Phil’s mum gives Dan a tight hug and Phil’s dad, still not having spoken a single word, even gives his shoulder an uncomfortable pat before they head out. The small space suddenly feels vast and empty, and the silence is almost tangible. “Well. They seemed...friendly.” Dan’s mum says after a few moments, his dad snorting.

“You’re in for quite a year, huh, kid?” He jokes. Dan laughs weakly, but in all honesty, it doesn’t seem that funny.

Just what did he get himself into?

Dan’s curled up in his bed when Phil finally comes back a few hours later, giving Dan that same crooked, shy grin from earlier. Now that it’s just him and not him with (presumably) his entire Brady Bunch-style family, he can get a better look at his roommate. He’s tall, about an inch taller than Dan, and lanky. His black jeans are just a bit high on his ankles, and his faded green shirt clings to his skinny frame. As Dan’s eyes travel higher he takes in his flushed cheeks, his blue eyes wide behind his oversized glasses, all behind shaggy black hair that doesn’t match his ginger eyebrows-ginger like every other family member of his. Dan suddenly feels a bit self-conscious in his Game of Thrones pajamas and old school shirt, pulling his covers up a bit higher as he takes in the other young man with a strange feeling in his chest. He’s definitely different than anyone Dan’s ever known. But damn, if he isn’t cute.

“Sorry if my family was a lot today.” He says after a slight moment of silence, a slight giggle slipping out as he walks over to one of the boxes on his side of the room. “I’m the first to go to Uni out of my brothers and sisters, so my parents decided to, like, make it into a whole thing.”

The memory of the chaos is still fresh in Dan’s mind, but hearing Phil talk about it, he can’t help but smile a bit as well. “I’m the oldest, so I get it. And they were nice. Your siblings are very...uh, talkative.” He says slowly, trying not to sound rude, but Phil’s giggling again before he can worry too much about it.

“We’re from kind of the middle of nowhere, so they’re just excited to see, like, humans outside of Rossendale for the first time.” Phil joked as he started reorganizing some of the things his siblings had just sort of dumped around the room. “Plus, they don’t usually get sugar, but they had soda on the way here. So they were practically about to explode by the time we pulled in. They just exploded all of that excitement onto you.”

Dan can’t help but laugh a bit at that as he watches Phil set some thick books up one way and then rearranges them. “Oh, Jesus. That car ride must have been nuts.” Phil looks over his shoulder, grinning wider now. He looks more and more relaxed each minute, as if he was just as nervous about Dan as Dan was about him. “You have no idea, oh my gosh. They were already wound up for today, and then there was soda, and Max and Alex-they get carsick even worse than I do, and then Suzanne had to pee, like, forty times an hour, and Mum was all weepy...this has been the longest day of my life.” He joked, laughing along with Dan.

Even though Dan can’t connect any of the kids to their names, he feels like he knows them decently well. In fact, as the conversation drifts into more goofy road trip stories, Dan’s surprised with just how close he feels to Phil like they’ve known each other before they even met.

It’s strange, he finds. But then again, Phil’s pretty strange, after all.

Dan doesn’t fully realize how strange Phil is until the next day. There’s a few hints-Dan makes a reference to some TikTok audio and Phil admits he’s never used it before, staring in awe as Dan scrolls through his ForYou Page for him. When they head off to orientation in one of the lecture halls, Phil’s head jolts up and his face flushes bright red when one of the countless speakers jokingly curses (if you can count “ass” as a curse-Dan honestly can’t). But it’s not until they’re out at the quad with some of their new peers for lunch when Chris turns to Phil and asks if he went to the school his cousin went to up north. “Oh, I didn’t go to school.” Phil says with a bright smile, before quickly adding “I mean-I was homeschooled. So I just kinda did the work when I wanted to.”

“Your parents homeschooled you? Didn’t Dan say you had, like, twenty siblings?” Louise questions as they all turn to look at Phil. Dan feels a migraine coming on just imagining being home with all of those kids all bloody day, though he can actually picture Mrs. Lester teaching them all pretty well. Phil laughed a bit, cheeks flushing pink as he looked down at his sandwich.

“We all were. My mum and dad didn’t like the schools in our area-they wanted us to be more connected to the church, said that “our values weren’t instilled in traditional education’.” He explained with a small shrug. When PJ raised an eyebrow at that Phil pulled a small cross necklace out from under his shirt. “I’m Catholic. I actually have plans for Seminary after getting my bachelor’s-so if you’re planning on getting married, I’m taking bookings now.” Phil’s last comment was clearly meant to lighten up the mood, but it’s obvious that the subject matter was making the group a little uncomfortable, considering they all just met. Dan’s mentally running through Phil’s belongings in their dorm-were all those books Bibles? Was he going to start hanging crosses everywhere? Or make him wake up early on Sundays?

Before his brain could spiral out further Chris blurted out “So, were you raised in a Jesus bubble or something?” Louise smacks his arm but Phil giggled. “I-I have been told I’ve lived a bit of a sheltered life before, yeah.” “Were you allowed...TV?” PJ asks slowly, eyes widening when Phil shook his head.

“Not cable. We could watch DVDs, but they had to be approved, so it was usually educational. I know a lot of animal facts, actually. Did you know hippo-”

“What about the internet?” Louise cuts him off.

“Not after my older brother got caught Googling “bikini girls” when he was 10.” Phil joked lightly. “But even before that, my mum was pretty anti-internet. If I really needed it for school or whatever, I’d go down to the library.”

“No Harry Potter?” “Promotes witchcraft. Apparently. I haven’t read it for myself, but-”

“Dating?” “Not without serious intention to marry-and I’m not exactly ready for that, so-” “Running water?” “You know what’s funny?” Phil says, giggling a bit and bringing his knees loosely to his chest. “You guys think I’m weird, which is totally understandable. But your guys’ lives before this sound weird to me, too. Like-Chris, you got to play video games as a kid, right? And I was taught that those would turn me into some homicidal maniac. Dan, I saw you have a horoscope app-that’s the occult, so that’s a huge no-no.” Wow, okay. Before Dan could feel too offended, though, and Chris could jump in, Phil keeps going. “But, like, I get that you’re not a witch, or Chris, you’re not gonna chop me up into little pieces when I’m sleeping. There’s gotta be some middle ground here, right? So...you guys could show me how to live more like you, and maybe you guys would be more interested in what I’m into?”

There’s a small silence that falls across the group before a wicked grin slowly appears on Louise’s face.

“What do you want to learn first?”

The next few weeks are a bit of a whirlwind for Dan. Between classes, hanging out with new friends, homework, scrambling to find a job, remembering to text his mum and let her know he hasn’t died, he’s barely able to keep his head on straight. But the time he spends trying to introduce Phil to the “real world” is some of his favorite.

Phil had set some ground rules-nothing that could kill him or ruin his life if it got out on social media. If he got too uncomfortable, he was allowed to tap out, but he’d give it an honest attempt. And nothing Satanic. (Dan had laughed until he realized by the look on his face that he wasn’t joking).

Granted, their friend group hadn’t done a great job at the start. PJ thought it would be hilarious to let Phil start with some “iconic reading material”.

Dan had been in class when they had presented the book to him, and the two were in their respective beds when Dan heard a shocked gasp from Phil’s side of the room.

“You good, mate?” He rolled over, watching as Phil sat upright and started flipping through the pages. “Do-Do you know about this book?” He asked, face turning impossibly redder as he held up the cover for Dan. 50 Shades of Gray. As Dan burst out laughing, his roommate whined playfully.

“What-Phil, who gave this to you?” “PJ said it was necessary reading!”

“PJ is a dunce. Give it here, I’ll protect you from the big bad book.” Dan teases, but Phil quickly shoves the book into his hands like it’s on fire.

“I’m gonna have nightmares about ties and rich men for weeks.” He grumbled playfully, curling up on his bed and reaching for his phone. “I’m never trusting Peej again.”

Louise turns full maternal the next day when he struggles to recount the experience in polite language (Dan holding back laughter), and she decides to go the complete opposite way, launching a mission to, as she put it, “reshape Phil’s lost childhood”. Phil lightly pushes back against wording, because he feels like he had quite a nice childhood, thank you very much.

Still, Louise comes over a couple of nights later, armed with her laptop.

“They couldn’t come up with a more creative name than “High School Musical”?” Phil teased gently as she pulled it up on her screen.

“Phil, you sweet boy, High School Musical is a cultural milestone that you need experience. So no backtalk!”

“Whatever you say.” He said, sitting on the other side of her and holding a bowl of popcorn in his lap.

They watch the first movie, and then the second, and then Phil’s begging to watch the third. As the final song plays Dan glances over and sees that Phil has his head ducked down, shoulders shaking gently.

“Phil?” Louise asks gently right as a choked sob erupts from him. She lets out a yelp as Phil flings his arms around her neck, laughing shakily. “It was just...Troy chose basketball and music…both of his passions...” He blubbers out, nuzzling into her shoulder as she coos. “You’re so weird, hon. You know that?” Once he’s calmed down enough (when Dan offers him a hug the waterworks start up all over again, sniffling. “So. Is that what your guys’ school was like?”

Louise and Dan glance at each other before bursting into laughter, only stopping a couple of minutes later when Louise turns to Phil once more. “If you liked High School Musical, you’re going to love this show Victorious…”

Of course, it’s not all smutty books and (incredible) movie trilogies.

Being homeschooled meant that all Phil knows is doing school when he feels like it. Lucky for Phil, he’s a huge nerd, so homework and studying actually excite him. The problem is, these things tend to excite him at 3 in the morning, and he actually has classes to go to now outside of his room.

By day three of no sleep, Phil swears Dan’s grown wings, and Dan intervenes. They make up a rules sheet-bedtime is 2AM, wake up at 10AM, eat three meals a day, no more than five cups of coffee a day (of all the vices Phil was deprived of, caffeine was clearly not one of them-Dan’s never seen anyone drink more coffee in his life). He gets him down to one all-nighter a week, and in turn, Phil wakes him up each morning and helps him with schoolwork so Dan doesn’t have to face going to the tutoring center. It turns out that Phil’s kind of a genius, despite never being in a classroom until a couple of weeks prior.

Chris is the one who convinces Phil to get social media, telling him that “only serial killers and old people” don’t. Phil’s not the greatest at it at first (there’s a lot of pictures uploaded on accident to his Instagram stories and nonsense tweets), but he slowly gets more used to it, getting his terrible puns and weird things he sees on campus out to the world (all 20 of his followers).

Dan can’t help but get slightly annoyed when Phil’s phone is shoved in his face to choose a filter of some stupid looking goose that’s close to attacking him, but the look of pure elation that Phil gets when someone sends a dog meme in their group chat is enough to warm his heart in ways he didn’t want to address fully but knew he couldn’t ignore.

There’s so much to teach him, and it seems like each day something pops up. Still, Dan’s surprised by Phil’s world, too.

First, he brings them to a non-denominational bible study group. PJ groaned quietly as Phil handed them all cheap paperback Bibles before they entered the church.

“Can’t we do something a bit more...fun? With less reading?”

“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again,” Phil said with a grin, rocking back and forth on his heels. “And if you like it-which hopefully, you will-we can come back once a week, and I’ll get you some nicer Bibles. These are just to start out with.”

Louise forces a small “yay” as they head inside, Phil leading them through the sanctuary with a happy sigh before taking them down some stairs, where a young woman sits in front of a small arrangement of chairs. “Phil, you brought your friends!” The woman cheers and Phil laughs happily. “Caroline-this is Dan, PJ, Chris, and Lou. They’re new to all this, so we’ll go easy this week?” He joked lightly, and Caroline nods, asking them about their religious beliefs.

“Uh, went to church a few times with my Nan. Atheist.” Dan says, biting his lip. He never actually said the “a'' word around Phil, and he’s a bit nervous that he’s going to suddenly flip out, but he still seems just as excited as when he walked in.

“Atheist. Never been-parents hate churches. Can I still grab snacks?” Chris adds and Caroline laughs, nodding.

“I’m a little complicated, but it’s basically just hippie church.” PJ says, shrugging. “Singing and chanting and all.”

“I go about once a month-I’m Episcopal, officially, but I’ve been to other churches too.” Louise gently smiled, and with that, the group got started. They went around and talked about their weeks, a few upcoming events, a prayer, and then Caroline instructed them to get their books. Phil pulled a well-worn leather Bible out of his bag, and Dan’s eyes widened a bit when he opened it. There are post-it notes everywhere, with entire passages highlighted and notes covering practically every margin in Phil’s stupidly perfect handwriting. It’s clear that Phil’s spent a lot of time with the book.

“Since we have guests, I figured we’d take a break from our reading of Matthew and focus on a couple of specific verses today,” Caroline says brightly. “James 1:13-15: “Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.”

There’s a slight pause and Chris furrows his eyebrows. “Huh?” “In simple terms-don’t say God isn’t the one to tempt you, because when you stray off His path, that’s on you.” One of the group members explains. “And if you do sin, it’ll lead to, uh, death.”

“Well, does God not tempt us to do bad things by putting so much pressure on us to be perfect?” A girl with blue hair jumps in, raising an eyebrow. “He sets the standard so high. Sometimes I’m just like, ‘Chill, dude. I can’t do everything. I’m not you.’ “

PJ snorts at that, giggling. “You call God dude?” They’re all laughing now, but Dan can’t believe it-he wants to jump in.

“Can I ask a dumb question?” His voice is a bit quiet but inquisitive. “Isn’t God supposed to be loving and forgiving? Why does He want you guys to be perfect? That sounds kind of...harsh.”

“Well, He knows we’re not perfect.” Phil says, and another guy nods.

“He asks for us to be because it strives us to be better. And it teaches us that messing up is okay.” The conversation keeps up for a bit before Caroline interrupts, asking them to focus on the latter half of the passage.

PJ narrows his eyes at the text before looking up. “Am I really gonna die if I sin?” “Well, sin was what led us away from eternal life in the first place-Adam and Eve kinda messed that up for us.”

“Yeah, but our personal sins can lead us to death, too. Not just old sins. That’s what God’s warning us about here.”

“Not every sin does, though. Like mixed-fabric shirts.” Louise grinned a little. ��Or grabbing dudes by their nads during fights.” PJ’s eyes widened and he turned to Phil. “Are those actual rules?!” “It was a different time!” Phil giggled as he watched him flip through the pages quickly.

“Where does it say we can’t grab nads?’ “Can we stop saying nads in church?” Phil pointed out, still laughing despite his red face.

Caroline tuts and wags a finger playfully. “Uh-uh, Philip. No judgment. They can talk about nads all they want, now.”

The entire room is laughing again as Phil buries his face in his hands. Finally, when he controls his giggles, Caroline speaks again. “Do you think talking about that kind of stuff in church is a sin, Phil?”

It’s teasing at first, but Phil actually thinks about it for a moment.

“Well...my household was pretty strict growing up. I mean, I got yelled at once for just sneezing during church.” He admits slowly and Dan’s eyebrows furrow a little. He can’t imagine either of Phil’s parents yelling at him, or anyone, really. “But I get why it was. They wanted me to love God, and respect Him, just like they loved and respected me and I loved and respected them. So I think if you do things with love, genuine love, it’s not a sin. But if you do things out of hate, or anger, or with the intention of hurting, that’s a sin. And that’s not automatically bad-like T’andra said, we’re all gonna make mistakes. Just keep on acting with love, and I think you’re good.” There’s a pause, and Dan’s face flushes slightly. Not just at how much Phil was saying “love”, but the words he spoke, and the true thought and passion behind them.

The moment is cut short when PJ snorts. “So if I love nads, I can talk about them to Jesus?”

By the time the room is back under control, the group is over. “Y’know, that was actually pretty fun.” Chris said after they had all grabbed snacks and talked to everyone.

“It was! It was like...philosophical debate.” Dan said. “The real nitty-gritty. The topics of good, evil, life, death, corruption-” Louise shoved him gently. “So deep, Dan. Of course you enjoyed it.” She joked lightly before adding “No offense, Phil!” Phil doesn’t seem to care-he’s grinning so wide it must be hurting his cheeks, and Dan would be lying if he isn’t tempted to start reading the whole Bible from cover to cover just to see him grin like that again.

Phil also manages to bring them to actual church services a couple of times (though getting college students out of bed before noon on a weekend proves to be a practically impossible task).

Dan has to admit he’s not as impressed with this as he is with the study group. The group is fun-they can all talk, and laugh, and actually discuss the points. Church is...not. They sit on hard pews. They listen. They stand and sit and kneel and stand and sit and kneel. They sing a few songs, and while Phil’s quiet baritone makes Dan’s sore knees quiver, it’s not enough to really warrant him waking up at 8AM on a weekend.

Phil is politely understanding of this, though it’s clear that this is of certain importance to him that his friends might not ever understand. It’s admirable if nothing else.

Other than storytelling from his childhood (which does little to make him seem more normal, honestly) and the weekly study, though, Phil doesn’t talk too much about the church to his other friends. Dan, however, is different. Maybe it’s just the fact that they live together and their space is more shared, but Phil opens up to Dan a bit more about it. He reads passages and verses to Dan, he prays in front of him, and he answers his questions in a non-condescending way. Dan has to admit that while he likes what Phil says, he can’t find himself connecting to it in the way Phil has, with his entire heart and soul. But Dan can admire the stories and the way his friend sees the world, and this new world that he’s entering with him.

It’s been a month of them being friends when Dan realizes that he’s seeing the world in two ways-Dan’s universe, and Phil’s universe. They’re so different, but (and he’s sure he’d never admit this out loud) Dan prefers when their universes collide.

When Dan comes home after a long day of classes and working at the campus bookstore, he’s exhausted. The soft music fades through the room as he opens the door to find Phil chewing on a pen, looking just as anxious as him. “I think my brain is leaking out my ears,” Phil said wearily, looking over the top of his glasses at Dan. “Do I have brain on my desk?” Dan snorts and rolls his eyes, reaching over and grabbing his textbook. “We need a break. And you need sleep-I know you took that second all-nighter last night, rule-breaker.” “Fine. Watch something with me?” He says after a moment, grabbing his laptop. They load up an episode of Zoey101 (they’d finished Victorious the week before) and hit play.

As the bars from the theme song fade out, Dan suddenly feels a strange pressure on his shoulder. He glances over and finds Phil with his cheek pressed to Dan’s shoulder, glasses sliding down his nose as he lets out a soft snore. Dan pauses the show, and for a brief moment, it’s just the two of them. Dan and Phil.

He lives for those moments: Getting coffee after a class. Sending each other memes. Trying new food at the dining hall. Brief greetings in the halls. Shared looks as they hang out with their friend group.

It’s been a month of them being friends when Dan realizes he's never fallen quite this hard before. He doesn’t just want to make out, all hot and heavy, or go further than just that. He just wants this-Dan and Phil-forever, even just as friends. He didn’t expect to find that in this pale, bible-banging weirdo, but now that he does he never wants to let him go.

Dan’s getting that feeling now more and more, the Dan and Phil feeling when they’re in the study group a few weeks later. They’re both sat towards the back, trying (and failing) to hold back laughter as they’re hunched over Dan’s Bible.

“I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots. Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold. We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver…” Phil says under his breath in a low, gravelly tone.

Dan turns to the next page. “O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely. Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes!” He whispers, still trying to make his voice sound high-pitched.

“Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead. Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from-”

“Dan, Phil, I’m guessing you both are whispering about how excited you are about our retreat at Camp Brabeck?”

The two both fall silent, Dan quickly glancing between Phil and Caroline, her smile wearing a bit thin from having to call them out. Phil’s eyes are wide, suddenly all signs of laughter gone. “Camp Brabeck?” He squeaks out, and the leader nods.

“On our upcoming four-day weekend. It’s up North, so it’ll be a bit of a drive, but we’ve already got the vans rented out and everything.” She says before noticing Phil’s sudden change in demeanor. “Phil, you’re from around there, actually. Have you been before?”

Phil blinks a few times before nodding, curling up into his seat a little. “O-Oh. Well, I actually did, once, but-”

“Great! So you’ll be down to come, right? We’ve got more space in the van, and it’ll be fun…” Caroline says hopefully, not letting him argue as he starts shaking his head. “Plus, if you’ve already been there, you can tell us all about it! C’mon, this is right up your alley. I think you’ll-” “I’ll go if Dan does.” Phil blurts out suddenly, looking nervously over at. Dan’s definitely confused now-Phil loves the outdoors. He loves this group. He loves-well, to be fair, Phil seems to love most things. He’s racking his brain trying to figure out what it could be, but he just can’t, and now all eyes are on him, and-

“I mean...as long as someone brings bug spray.” Dan says slowly, Caroline beaming and writing on her clipboard before talking excitedly about the campground. The two stay quiet, Dan focusing on Phil’s eyes trained on her and hands gripping his Bible so tightly that his knuckles turn white.

The minute the group ends Phil makes a beeline to the door, walking so fast that Dan can’t catch up without actually chasing him. Dan’s phone dings a short moment later:

Sorry 2 run! Had 2 catch up w some1 4 a thing. Thx 4 signing up w me ^_^ - Phil!

Dan furrows his eyebrows, and not for the normal reason of Phil’s stupid abbreviations and the fact he insists upon signing all his texts. He’s trying to piece the pieces together from the few characters on his screen when Louise puts a hand on his shoulder. “So what was all that about?” She asks with a raised eyebrow, giggling a bit as she gives his arm a light squeeze. “What did you show him that spooked him so bad?” Before Dan can speak, Chris is at his side.

“He’s just embarrassed that Dan was flirting with him during the Jesus Power Hour.” “Dan, were you?” Louise gasped teasingly, and Dan sputters a bit, sliding his phone into his jacket pocket. “Chris-what?! No, no, I wasn’t flirting. I wasn’t! He just-when she mentioned the retreat-and the camp-” Dan’s face is bright red now, suddenly the words from Solomon seem a lot less goofy and a lot more...romantic, to outsiders, with their heads bowed together with dumb grins on their faces.

Louise and Chris shoot Dan equally doubtful looks. “Dan-” She starts, but Dan grits his teeth.

“We’re not-neither of us are like that.” He snaps. As she steps back and Chris raises an eyebrow, guilt starts to pool in his stomach, but he can’t stop. “For one, I’m not gay, and two, Phil is gonna be a priest, remember? Aren’t they, like, sworn to celibacy?”

Chris and Louise glance at each other. “Mate...chill, yeah? We were just joking. We know you’re not...y’know.” “Good.” Dan said before turning and stomping up the steps, the unnerving sense that the painting of Jesus had his eyes following him the whole way.

A few minutes later, Dan is sitting in the back garden of the church that Phil helps tend to after services, the wind whipping through his hair. Usually, he’d be walking to a Starbucks with Phil, discussing that session’s theme in-depth and watching Phil’s face turn pink as Dan releases the string of expletives he’s been holding in for an entire hour. The expletives are running through his head at top speed, as he spends about three minutes crafting the perfect text message.

hey, i’m sorry if i weirded you out today! didn’t mean to haha. i was goofing off way too much and i know you take these meetings p seriously. i’ll take it more seriously next time and not distract you

Dan hits send after rereading it about a million times, groaning audibly as he does. It’s not exactly a “Sorry I have a crush on you and made you seem gay but I get you’ll never like me and that’s fine I just wanna spend all my time with you”, but it’s the best he can do.

No worries! OMGosh I was just embarrassed 2 b called out like that hahaha! 0_o <= Literally my face. I was def the 1 who was whispering 2 loud. Lol! -Phil!

dude, it was totally on me. Dan texts back, chewing on his bottom lip. Phil had looked pretty freaked out, but if he was fine, maybe they could just...move past it? really, i started it.

Noooooooo! I take all the blame. I had some cookies b4 group and I was on major sugar rush. Btw...I had some of those cookies ur nan sent! Sorry, I’ll buy some snacks 4 us. Ask her to send more, tho? So good <3 Thank u! Take dancing men as an apology (/-_-)/ |(-_-|) -Phil!

okay, seriously, who taught you to text like this? my head hurts trying to decipher everything

DANCING MEN 4 U (/-_-)/ |(-_-\) ~(*-*)~ (/-_-)/ |(-_-\) -Phil!

you’re ridiculous. Dan can’t help but laugh, in spite of the churning feeling in his stomach. He drops his phone onto the grass next to him and looks up at the sky.

“If you know Phil so well, big guy, what do I do?” He asks before he can stop himself, before pausing. Half of him expects a thunderstorm to start, and him to get struck by lightning, or a rainbow to leap across the sky and the clouds to part to show Phil’s shining face as the sun. But after a few long moments of silence, Dan realizes he’s not going to get any divine intervention and groans.

“Well...let me know when you figure it out.”

The next couple of weeks go by quickly. Everything seems normal-they go to classes, they go to work, they go to group, they goof off. The four-day weekend creeps upon them, but before they know it the whole group is up at 6AM standing in front of a huge white van.

“This isn’t cult-ish at all.” PJ yawns, chucking his duffle bag into the trunk. Louise sips her coffee and squints over at Phil.

“This has to be a sin, you know. Not giving a girl her beauty sleep.” Usually, Phil would spout something about “being beautiful in His eyes”, but right now he’s getting the same sense of panic in his eyes that he had when the camp was first mentioned, laughing weakly as he adjusts his glasses. Dan is just awake enough to get the sense that Phil has been repressing the idea of the trip until this exact moment, but he also knows just how to fix it. He had been stockpiling on Phil knowledge for this exact moment.

Phil jumps a bit as Dan nudges him. “Relax. Listen, I know what’s up.” He says quietly, watching as his friend’s eyes widen and a blush spreads across his cheeks.

“What?!” Phil yelps a bit as Dan gently leads him away from the rest of the group. “I mean...what do you know? What’s up?” He asks quietly, fiddling with the strap of his messenger bag.

Dan holds back a fond noise as he smiles gently, shaking his head. “No need to be embarrassed, Phil. My mom went through the same thing for years.” As Phil looks more and more concerned, wringing his hands, Dan digs in his own backpack for a moment before pulling out a small box of Dramamine and handing it to him. “So you don’t upchuck all over us.”

There’s a beat as Phil stares down at the box, eyes wide, and Dan almost thinks he’s got it wrong. Does Phil not get carsick? Was he insulted? Was he really that embarrassed by it?

Phil finally starts to giggle, but it seems more relieved than anything. He nudges Dan lightly and opens his mouth to speak.

“Ah, Dan and Phil! The dynamic duo. You two can sit in the back with the bags!” Caroline’s voice cuts through whatever Phil’s about to say, and he turns to Dan with a small shrug.

“Looks like it’ll just be you I puke on.” He says, a slight grin on his face as he pulls the door open for Dan, who rolls his eyes but steps in “Gotta get you a poncho for the splash zone.” Dan gags playfully before squeezing in to sit next to Phil amongst all the bags, rolling his eyes and plugging his earbuds in before holding out one bud to Phil and turning on their shared playlist-a mix of indie, Christian rock, (mostly clean) emo jams, and Disney Channel top hits. It’s not the most welcoming thing to listen to at 6AM, but if it keeps Phil calm and Dan from actually needing a poncho, he’ll welcome it.

The majority of the drive is spent in and out of sleep for Dan, guitar chords and vocals bouncing around his sleep-deprived brain. He’s not fully conscious until around noon when they’re about an hour away from the camp. The roads are getting twisty, and it’s then that he notices that Phil has his eyes screwed shut and face scrunched up, both hands shoved into his messenger bag. It only takes a slight peek for Dan to see his fingers curled tightly around his well-worn Bible, and he bites his lip.

Phil talks about leaps of faith a lot in group. Dan doesn’t quite get it, but he’s pretty sure he’s taking one when he slides his hand into the other’s bag and gently coaxes Phil’s hand into his own. The young man stiffens up for a moment before turning to stare at Dan with wide eyes.

“Shush. It’ll help nausea.” Dan mumbles, his own face red and praying that Phil won’t ask how exactly it will. There’s a pause before Phil smiles weakly, turning his face away, and Dan is about five seconds away from opening the van door and hurtling himself onto the road.

Phil’s probably just been playing nice, and now Dan’s gone and made it uncomfortable for the both of them, and Phil can’t even look at him. Dan’s whole body turns hot, but right before he can pull away, he feels Phil’s slender fingers intertwine with his own.

It’s not the first time they’ve held hands-they do it at the start and end of study groups, and at church, and that one time Phil got them all to hold hands while standing on a hill to reenact the ending of High School Musical 2 for his Instagram. Dan was a bit flustered then, too. But this is different. It’s...intimate. Phil’s never held his hand with such need before, fingers locked with his and palm quivering gently as he mouths a silent “thank you.” Dan feels his entire body buzz, and he can’t help but close his eyes and try to focus on the music and not the fact that he feels like he’s literally twelve years old.

The rest of the ride somehow takes an eternity and only a minute before the van stops, Chris bemoaning his hunger loudly and the rest chattering excitedly. Phil finally opens his eyes and turns to Dan, slowly pulling his hand away.

They both look at their hands, and then back at each other. There’s a long pause before he opens his mouth, and Dan’s heart starts pounding so hard he’s surprised Phil can’t hear it.

All that Dan has thought about them staying platonic goes out the window. Dan wants nothing more than to lunge forward and shove his lips against Phil’s, to run his hands through his hair, to climb into his lap and- “I didn’t puke!” Phil blurts out loudly, loud enough that everyone hears. The group falls silent before one of the other young men, Raz, gives Phil a thumbs up. “Good for you, bud. C’mon, let’s get these bags up to the cabin, and then we can get some food to celebrate.” Phil laughs a bit too hard at that, face bright red. As he clamors out of the van he leaves Dan in the backseat, trying to climb over the mountain of bags as he watches his friend chatter away as if nothing happened. He watches for a moment before shaking his head quickly, trying to erase the memory from his mind. He was just making things more complicated than they needed to be. They didn’t share a moment. No way.

Dan hauls his bag over his shoulder and walks along with PJ and Lou, struggling to stop the loop of those ten seconds from playing in his head.

Dan liked that the Bible study group wasn’t too Jesus-y. It was more philosophical than anything. Even church was just an hour a week on the weeks he went, which was really only once a month when Phil promised brunch afterward.

This weekend, he and his friends had realized, seemed to be where the group could get enough Jesus to last them until the next retreat. It started with grace before lunch-simple enough. But then a pastor had started to preach to them during lunch. And then after lunch. And then afternoon Bible study-for two hours, with a lot more reading and praying than actual discussion. Pj, Chris, and Louise were clearly trying not to fall asleep, while Phil sat off a bit, eyes trained on either the priest or his Bible, hugging himself tightly as he stayed completely silent.

“It’s just so boring!” Louise groaned once they were all finally outside and out of earshot. “I’m sorry, I know this is what you want to do with the rest of your life, Phil, but we’re in nature! Why are we just stuck in some stuffy room listening to an old dude read for hours when we can see the cool stuff God apparently built for us?” “God wants me to climb some of those rocks over there.” PJ agreed, snapping a few pictures on his phone. “He tried to call me earlier to tell me so, but reception sucks here.”

Phil laughed a bit, but it’s definitely more hollow than his normal giggles. “I’m sorry, I-I really thought-”

“Wait. Haven’t you been here before?” Louise asked as PJ started jogging over to the huge rocks, Chris following shortly after. Phil paused before rubbing the back of his neck. “I-I mean, yeah, but-”

They’re both cut off by someone calling Phil’s name, and he whirls around to see the priest-the same “old dude” Louise had just been insulting-walk over and clap a hand on Phil’s shoulder. “Philip, you must have grown a full foot since I last saw you!” Dan glances over at Phil with a slightly surprised look. He knew Phil had been here before, sure. But to know this man? Someone who seemed so different from Phil in so many ways?

“O-Oh, Father Richard. Hey. Guys, Father Richard worked at the camp I came to a-a couple of years ago.” “And Philip was one of the finest boys there, wasn’t he?” If the man notices Phil shift from one foot to the other nervously, he sure doesn’t show it. “I mean, they were all wonderful young men, don’t get me wrong. But Philip-you’re truly going to be a man of the cloth. Don’t you both think?” Dan is watching Father Richard’s face closely, immediately feeling himself wanting to leave the conversation as soon as possible. If it wasn’t for Phil, he’d have made an excuse and walked off by now. It seems like Louise isn’t thrilled, either, but she smiles and nods a bit. “It’s clearly his passion, uh, Father Richard.”

“Oh, absolutely. As long as he keeps his head out of the clouds.” He throws his head back and laughs, Phil’s grin looking more like a grimace as he chuckles along. “I swear, this boy would lose his head if it wasn’t attached to him!” “I think Phil’s pretty smart, actually.” Dan says suddenly, a good bit of bite to his tone. He’s not sure why, but something about this guy gives him the creeps. He stares him in the eyes as he gets a surprised look from both him and Phil.

After a moment, he clears his throat. “Well...I suppose he’s matured a lot over the past two years. Good to see you again, boy. We’ll have to catch up.” With that he heads off, giving Dan a slightly curious look as he does so, and Phil watches him go before shaking his head.

“Jeez. Phil Lester Fan Club over here.” Louise teased gently before frowning. “What’s his deal?” Phil bit his lip and sighed. “That’s how he is.” He explained quietly, yelping as Louise pulled him into a tight hug.

“Philly…” She cooed before moving to sit on the grass with him, motioning for Dan to do the same. “Talk to us? You’re not usually closed off like this. We know something’s up.” Phil squirms, and Dan can tell he’s debating whether or not to lie. He’s seen it before-when Chris asked if he looked good in his new neon t-shirt, or when some girl asked him once if she was being too annoying after complaining about her roommate to them for five minutes straight. “I just...I came to this camp when I was younger and had different ideas than I do now.” He explains finally.

“Like how interesting that Richard guy was?” Dan tries to joke, instantly regretting it as Phil brings his knees to his chest and curls up into himself.

His voice gets quiet, as it does sometimes when things get serious in group meetings and he’s comforting someone with a verse or trying to explain a tough concept to Dan.

“Like...I was raised to think God ruled with a vengeance. If you sinned in any way, He would punish you. That’s what my parents said. We were supposed to fear Him, y’know? And when I came here...Father Richard pushed that hard.” Phil explained gently. “But I don’t think God’s like that. I think we’re all sinners-we all make mistakes. James 3:2 and all that. God loves us in spite of our flaws. Hearing him talk about God like he was so cruel, and then reading about His love for us...it was the first time it didn’t add up for me.”

Dan’s eyes widened. In all his time of knowing Phil-two months doesn’t sound like much, but it feels like a lifetime ago-he’s never once heard him speak against his parent’s beliefs. Sure, he could admit that they were a bit extreme at times, but it was always quickly followed with how their intentions were good and that everything had been great.

“And as someone who wants to be a priest, I don’t think the way to get people to turn to God is to scream at them until they repent and scare them into not sinning. I think you need to be like Jesus. Hate the sin, love the sinner.” He continued, forcing a tiny smile as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Because we’re all His children, after all. And He’s got a path for all of us-fear won’t guide us onto that.”

There’s a moment of silence before Louise reaches down, giving his hair an affectionate tousle. “You start preaching like that and I’ll come to your church every Sunday. I’ll even sing in the choir.” She joked. A slow beam spread across Phil’s face-a a genuine one, and he stood up before pulling her into a tight hug.

“Thank you.” He whispered. “Thank you both. I-If I had known he would’ve been here, I’d have at least warned you-”

“Shush, mate. You had no idea. Trust me, you’re way too much of a softie to lie to us, we know that.” Dan laughed a bit, giving Phil’s back a light pat. Phil giggled a bit before pulling away, taking a deep breath.

“Wanna go make sure Chris and Peej don’t crack their heads open?” He said finally, and before they could say anything the two of them were taking off towards the rocks, Dan chasing after both of them. Despite his grin, he still couldn’t help but feel like his head was heavy with questions. Father Richard had seemed boring, and a bit grumpy, but not angry. Were Phil’s changing beliefs really all that had happened?

Phil had seemed relieved to talk for a bit, but the mood shifted again once evening activities started. Father Richard had preached again during dinner-and again, nothing terrible happened. He made a few dry jokes, he talked about having “complete and total faith”, he read some long passages that Dan didn’t care about. He was too busy glancing over at Phil next to him, who had left his food practically untouched.

Then there are evening vespers, with Phil’s hands clenched together so tightly in prayer that his knuckles turn white and his fingernails dig into the skin. The firepit seems to be going well-he shares a s’more with Dan, but before he could get another he’s pulled aside by Father Richard. Dan’s sure at one point the two glance over at Dan, but then Phil’s walking back over, trying to look interested in some story one of the group members is telling as he brings his knees to his chest. Even Chris and PJ seem to notice that something’s going on, but with a pointed look from Dan, they give him some space.

They turn in for the night, but Dan wakes up way too early to find Phil curled up on his bunk pouring over his Bible. The bags under his eyes tell Dan that he didn’t sleep a wink last night, and he sighs. “C’mon, you gotta show me where the showerhouse is.” He says gently, and Phil looks up at him with a tired laugh. “Do I?” He teased weakly. After a minute though, he sits up and stretches. “Mmm...fine. But no chickening out.” With that he hops down from the bunk, peeling off his shirt before walking over to his bag.

Dan’s pretty sure he gulps audibly as Phil grabs a change of clothes and a towel, eyes wandering over him. Though Phil braved the communal showers at Uni, he was always sure to change in the stall-Dan had never seen him in so much as a pair of shorts that went higher than his knees. And yet, here he was. Dan would feel guilty about watching him, especially considering he knew Phil was having a tough time, but…

He couldn’t help it. His best friend looked hot as hell from behind. He couldn’t help but admire his slim frame, his lean but toned arms, and when he turned around, the slight smattering of chest hair that slowly turned into a happy trail that crept lower, into-

“I’m telling you now, if you forget a towel you’ll regret it.” He said, voice still low from sleep, and Dan snapped his head up. “Towel! Right! Let me go grab that.” He squeaked and quickly moved to grab it, trying to hide his flushed cheeks as he snagged a change of clothes as well. By the time he looked up Phil was already heading for the door, humming under his breath, and Dan followed him quickly.

After a few moments of silence, Phil spoke. “Father Richard is leaving tonight, so you won’t have to sit through his lectures after today. He’s just stopping by to talk to us. So we’ll have less worship-y stuff and more free time tomorrow.” Phil glanced over at Dan. “Sorry if I’m weird about it. I just..y’know.”

Dan nodded and relaxed into the shared feeling of relief, even if he didn’t exactly know what Phil was talking about. Before he could ask, though, they were at the small building-just a row of four stalls that looked like bathroom stalls, built out of wood. As Dan stepped inside and stripped-definitely not thinking about how Phil was doing the same just inches away, especially as he heard his sweatpants hit the ground-he rubbed his eyes. “Is there coffee here?”

“Oh, trust me, you don’t need coffee here.” Phil laughed a bit, a genuine one, and Dan raised an eyebrow, glancing over at where his head peeked over the stall.

“Dude, I’ve seen you-sweet fuck!” Dan shrieked as he turned the single knob on and freezing cold water shot out of a showerhead on the ceiling. “How the fuck do you get the hot water?!”

Phil was really laughing now, his witch cackle carrying over Dan’s screams. “No hot water at camp.” He sang playfully. “And no swearing, either, but-”

“Christ on a bike, no wonder you were fucking miserable here!” The words come out before he can realize it, and suddenly he freezes (as well as he can while shivering like mad), but Phil only laughs harder.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” Dan can hear the grin in his voice, and he lets out a long breath. “Whatever. Shitting fucking fuck! Let’s get this over with.”

Dan somehow manages to survive the worst shower of his life, his hair curling as he towels himself off before tugging on clothes and leaving the showerhouse. If it wasn’t for the bright smile on Phil’s face, he’d say it wasn’t worth it. But at least for right now, Phil is his old, giggly self again, and Dan comes to the realization he’d do just about anything to keep him like that.

Unfortunately for Dan, it doesn’t last long. As they’re walking back to the cabin, Phil glances across the way and sees Father Richard, walking through the trees. “Oh, shoot, c’mon-” Phil grabs Dan’s arm and tugs him along a bit faster, not looking behind him for nearly a full minute. As he glances over and sees the look on Dan’s face he finally stops, sighing softly. The joy from before is gone. “Sorry. I just...too early to try to handle that right now.” “Yeah, yeah, of course. Let’s just get going to the cabin, yeah? I’m still freezing.” Dan jokes weakly, and Phil tries to crack a smile, still looking uncomfortable as they walk along the trail in silence.

The rest of the day is disturbingly similar to yesterday, and the whole group is sensing that Phil is just...off. He’s usually eager to jump into discussions, but even when Father Richard gives them the chance to talk, Phil seems totally holed up in himself, mumbling something about wanting to give others a time to speak (which pushes the topic along to Louise, who fumbles it totally and is earned a condescending smile from Father Richard).

By lunch, Dan thinks he can’t sit through another hour of this. By mid-afternoon, he’s considering faking being possessed by Satan. And by dinner, he’s come up with about forty ways to fake the possession. The only reason keeping him from doing so is that when he mutters it to PJ he tells him to wait until after dinner-if he keeps Chris from food, he’ll have bigger things to worry about than a camp full of religious fanatics thinking he’s possessed.

They set the tables and then get in line to eat dinner. Dan immediately realizes Phil isn’t anywhere to be found, exchanging concerned looks with Louise. When they get five minutes into dinner and realize that Father Richard is also missing, he starts to worry.

What if Father Richard was...well, what would he do?

The truth is, Dan doesn’t know what the big deal is with this guy. He honestly doesn’t seem to be too bad, but the control he has over Phil’s emotions is genuinely weird. Still, he doesn’t want to cause a scene.

“Hey, Caroline!” He says, quickly jogging over to the young woman, and she gives Dan a kind smile. “Dan, hey! How have you been enjoying this so far?” She asked gently, resting a hand on his arm. “I know it can be intense, considering your, um...well, you weren’t exactly in the church before you joined us, and-”

“Caroline, it’s all great, but do you know where Phil is?”

She smiles and gives Dan’s arm a squeeze. “I’m so glad you two found each other, you know that? You guys are like-”

“Caroline.”

“Okay, okay. I won’t be mushy, even if you guys are my favorite freshmen.” She winked before waving her hand towards the door. “He’s out by the lake with Father Rich. They go way back, did you know?”

Dan nods slowly. It’s clearly not the answer he wanted, because Caroline leans in. “Don’t tell him I said this, but trust me, Phil’s not choosing Father Richard over you. You’re still his BFF.”

Wonderful. That’s the reassurance he needed right now, that Phil wasn’t going to choose a 65-year-old man to be his ‘BFF”. He manages to smile and thank Caroline before going to wait on the mess hall deck. If Richard was going to drag Phil away, then dammit, he was going to be the first to talk to him when he got back.

Phil doesn’t come back up to the mess hall for at least another hour. His eyes are rimmed red, and he’s alone. The second Dan hears his footsteps he shoots up. “Phil!” He shouts after he yanks his earbuds out, and Phil lets out a yelp, laughing shakily. “Oh my God, did he-did he make you cry?!”

Phil rubs his eyes quickly and giggles weakly. “Dan, I cry at everything. We cried together over that muffin in the dining hall on Wednesday, remember?”

Dan doesn’t look convinced in the slightest, but suddenly Phil’s arms are pulling him into a long hug. “We just had a long talk. Don’t tell me I missed anything?”

“They went on some dumb night hike, but-don’t tell me you wanted to go on the night hike?” He asked as he saw the disappointment on Phil’s face, frowning. “We can go! We can go right now, and meet them, and-” “Dan. Breathe, okay?” He giggled and led Dan inside. “Our group can go on our own little night hike tomorrow, I’ll survive. Besides. I haven’t gotten to spend time with you these past couple of days, and I’ve missed you.” Phil’s voice is a bit softer, and he gives him a shy smile.

Dan’s face turns red and he sits down in one of the faded couches, Phil flopping next to him. “It’s only been, like, a day and a half.” He mumbles.

“It’s been a long day and a half.” Dan nods slowly, looking up at Phil. “Is he gone?” “Yep. Just left camp now. Didn’t wanna make a fuss.” Dan can’t help but roll his eyes a bit at that, shaking his head. “Now, c’mon. Can we talk about something fun? Like…” He reaches out and snatches up an old copy of Women’s Health from a bin by the fireplace, clearly meant for kindling. “What advice can we find for two lovely women like ourselves?”

As he flutters his eyelashes at him, Dan can’t help but laugh, grabbing the magazine from him. The two swap it back and forth, giggling like children at the stupid advice and making fun of all the pictures. The tension from before melts away, and suddenly it’s just Dan and Phil, the two of them being absolute idiots and laughing over nothing. After the last day and a half, it feels amazing to just laugh.

When they finish that one they go to the next one in the bin. They read through issues of Runner’s World, Golf Digest, Christian Living, Better Homes and Gardens, and even a Highlights before Phil’s stomach lets out a loud growl.

“Oooh, I need some food. Why don’t I go grab us some snacks from the kitchen? There’s some board games in one of the closets, find something for us to play?”

With that, he’s up and going into the kitchen, and Dan wanders over to one of the closet doors. Sure enough, he sees some old board game boxes peeking out behind some moving boxes. Dan goes to move one out of the way when he catches a peek of the pile of brochures inside. His eyes run over the text and clip-art outline of a strong-looking man. Program Judges 6:12 at Camp Brabeck: For teen boys and young men struggling with sexual impurity.

Sexual impurity? Dan grabs the brochure and flips it open.

Today, our young men are raised in a culture where abnormal lifestyles are being accepted, even praised and celebrated. It’s no wonder that more youth than ever before are turning out oversexualized and confused, and more than ever are struggling with same-sex desires...

From there on, the words start to blur together for Dan, and he flips the brochure over.

And then Dan sees it. In the top corner is Father Richard, smiling wide.

With his hand on Phil’s shoulder.

Dan feels his stomach churn violently as he looks at younger Phil. There’s no way it could be anyone else. Even if he’s a bit shorter, and his hair isn’t dyed, Dan’s studied Phil’s face long enough to know it’s him. As Dan grips the picture frame in his hands, Phil’s words from yesterday come back to him, hitting his chest like rocks.

“Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

Phil worked with Father Richard, at this-this “camp”, this place. They worked together.

“God loves us in spite of our flaws.”

Not only was Phil not gay, thus extinguishing the slightest bit of hope he had, but Phil was actively homophobic. Phil worked at a bloody conversion therapy site, for fuck’s sake.

“He’s got a path for all of us.”

Phil wasn’t uncomfortable about Father Richard-he was uncomfortable about Dan and their friends being around Father Richard, and them finding out just what a homophobic, lying, fake-

“I found Pop-Tarts!”

Phil’s voice interrupts the swirling thoughts in his head, and he slowly turns, holding the brochure up. “Were you ever going to mention this?” Phil’s face goes pale. “I...Where did you…” He whispers, but Dan growls. Actually growls. Red hot anger is taking control now as days, weeks, months, years of suffocated emotions rises to the top suddenly. A lifetime of not fitting in, a lifetime of hiding, and to be rejected by Phil-like this.

“Nice pic of you and your friend, Phil. You worked with him on this? You and Richard, two pals-and you knew we’d judge you for it, so you just decided not to tell us?!”

“Wait, wait, Dan, no. It’s not like that. That’s not what-” Phil tries to butt in. Dan isn’t having it.

“Do you realize what kind of damage you do to people, Phil?! You can’t act like-like Little Mr. Innocent about this, this is some seriously fucked up shit you’ve done!” Dan’s properly yelling now, getting to his feet and not even stopping as Phil cowers back. “And-And worst of all, you hid it from us! You talk like you love everyone, hiding behind your stupid flowery language, but you’re a total fucking hateful dick!”

Phil suddenly stands as well, putting his hands in front of his chest, but irritation is creeping into his voice. “Daniel. Listen to me, you don’t understand. I’m not hateful-” “Oh-Oh yeah? Not hateful, huh? Not hateful when you say ‘gay is an artificial construct, created to celebrate people’s sinful homosexual desires’? Or when your stupid fucking camp goes to ‘remove young men from their unhealthy environment to bring them to Jesus and see the errors they’re making’?” Dan’s reading directly from the pamphlet now. “That doesn’t sound loving, Phil!”

“Dan, let me-” “There is literally nothing you could say to make this better. You think you’re helping, don’t you? But you’re just-just spreading hate, and-” Dan’s words are cut off as Phil suddenly grabs him by the back of his head, pulling him into a hard kiss. For possibly the first time in his life, Dan is rendered speechless, especially a few moments later when Phil pulls away and his eyes well up.

“Dan…” He choked out, sinking down onto the couch and starting to sob. “I didn’t-I didn’t-” After a moment he grabs the brochure weakly. “I didn’t work at the camp.” He chokes out finally, and Dan just stands frozen in place. “I was a camper.”

Dan hates that he doesn’t know whether he should trust him or not. But...this is Phil, crying ugly, hard sobs, and he can’t help but feel his heart break in two. “A...camper?” He asks slowly, moving to sit next to him but keeping his distance.

Phil lets out a pained noise but nods. “I signed up to go. Because I kept having these-these dreams, and these urges. And I thought if I did everything right, if I listened to Father R-Richard…” He has to stop himself to catch his breath as it comes quicker, curling into himself and resting his head on his knees. “I thought if I could be perfect, I could b-be like him. A priest. A husband, to a wife. A father to my k-kids. An ex-homosexual.” He said, tears streaming down his face. “Dan, I-I tried so hard…” Dan frowns, running a hand through his hair slowly. “You can’t just-I mean, I don’t think it works like that, Phil,” Dan says after a moment, and Phil nods quickly. “I know, I know. God knows I know. They tried everything on m-me. I mean, everything. But the more they did, the more angry I got, with myself, with Richard, with God. I hated God, Dan, I hated him so much, and I did all this stuff…” Dan can’t stop himself but reaching out and taking his hand at that, and Phil clings to it almost instantly. “I lied, and I ripped up my Bible, and I did stuff with the other guys there…”

Dan blinked a few times. For Phil, that was intense, and he can hear the guilt and true sorrow in his voice. “You-I mean, no offense, but kissing a few guys and tearing up a book aren’t exactly unforgivable sins.” He says, hoping to bring him comfort. To his surprise, Phil laughs sadly.

“I did more than just kiss, trust me. When Richard found me in the showers with one of the guys-”

At that Dan’s eyes nearly bug out of his head. Phil, who half an hour ago was blushing at ads for tampons, in the showers with a guy? “He-He decided I needed more intense therapy. It was hours and hours of just being told how disgusting I was, being shown these videos, being preached at, b-but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop feeling like I did.”

“Phil…” Dan feels his broken heart finally crumble. He pulls him into a hug, letting him sob into his hair.

“F-Finally I just lied my way th-through it. That’s what m-most of us do. And then I was th-the big success story, and they took that dumb picture, and it was finally over. I went home, and I was so mad I decided I’d go through my Bible-the nice, new one my parents had bought me, when they heard that ‘somebody’ tore up my old one-to s-see how wrong I was before and how terrible He was. So I stayed up for nearly a week, no school, no nothing. Just reading.”

Phil pulled away to reach out, grabbing his copy of the Bible from his bag “ And as I read, I…”

He took a deep breath as he opened it up and slowly turned the pages, motioning to the Post-Its and notes littering the scripture. “I didn’t find that. I found a God that wanted me to love-He wanted me to love my family, and my friends, and my neighbors, and-and guys. He wanted me to love you. He wanted me to love you, romantically.” At that, Dan feels his heart stop and he gently moves to look Phil in the eyes. “You really think that?” He whispered, Phil nodding quickly as he ran a hand through Dan’s hair.

“God gave us all the ability to love-fully, and deeply, and wonderfully. And-And I love you, so much. I didn’t want to freak you out, and I’m not ready to be out, but-” This time it’s Dan’s turn to cut him off with a slower, gentler kiss. “Shh. We don’t have to tell anyone.” He murmured.

“It can just be us?” Phil asked in a small voice. “Just you and me?”

At that, Dan is pretty sure he’s going to explode, because dear God that’s all he’s ever wanted. He wants to scream, he wants to jump up and down, he wants to run down the fucking mountain and throw rocks at Father Richard’s car-

Instead, Dan takes a deep breath before smiling and nodding. “Just me and you.” He agreed quietly.

He leaned in and kissed Phil again, cupping his cheeks. This time was gentler, and Phil let out a soft, relieved noise as his lips moved against Dan’s and he pulled Dan close to him.

“I love you,” Dan says once they pull away. “I love you, I love you, I love you-”

“Have I ever read you Proverbs 17:28?” Phil interrupts with a giggle. Dan raises an eyebrow but grabs Phil’s Bible, flipping to it.

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.

“Did you just ask me to shut up and keep kissing you through a Bible verse?!” Dan whined, but he can’t help but grin as Phil kept laughing, nodding as he connected their lips again.

Time seems to stand still. Two minutes, five minutes, ten minutes, ten hours, ten years-Dan can only guess how much time has passed when they hear the group off in the distance. “Shit-shit, okay, one last-” Dan jerked away but Phil giggled, grabbing the plate of Pop-Tarts and Dan’s hand before dragging him outside. He took him out a bit before they got down to the lake, sitting on the sand and wrapping his arms around Dan. Dan pauses before shyly climbing into his lap, and then they’re kissing again, Phil only pausing to catch his breath and murmur “I’m sorry you thought I could be homophobic.” “I’m sorry I didn’t ask before jumping to conclusions.” “I’m sorry I didn’t open up about what had happened.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you away from Father Richard.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you away from Father Richard.” “I’m sorry I couldn’t have been that guy in the showers with you.” The words leave Dan’s mouth before he can stop himself-humor is a coping mechanism for him, but right now, he wants to kick himself when he hears Phil’s gasp.

“Oi! Not yet, at least.” He said with a slight laugh, pressing his lips to Dan’s cheek and watching as his face burns red. He grins and presses a few pecks to his lips before looking up at the sky.

“...You really think God wants this for us?” Dan says and Phil closes his eyes, snuggling closer.

“‘For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:113 to 114’.” Phil recited quietly. “God made us fearfully-like, with great awe and respect of us-and wonderfully. He made us find each other, he made us love each other.” He kissed Dan’s nose. “So that’s us. Fearfully and wonderfully made.” Dan looks at Phil with a soft smile, a bit worn from all the excitement of the day, but feeling...free. “Fearfully and wonderfully, huh?”

Phil nods, and Dan pulls him even closer.

“I could get used to that.”

#phan #dan howell #phil lester #dan and phil #phanfiction #phanfic #phanfic au

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cloverrover · 3 years

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Kentucky's Finest- Prologue

So fair warning, it's been some time since I've written and I had to redo my master list cuz my dumb drunkass accidentally deleted it. But I wanted to write a new fic that happened to be a series so here goes

WC- 1.3k

Warnings- maybe a few cuss words?

You never thought that when you first starting riding horses, you would end up as a 5* Eventer much less being able to compete alongside international Olympians. But yet, there you sat on the big couch in the compound looking at the email your trainer had sent you.

“Don’t throw up. We have some work to do.” Mumbling more to yourself, ignoring the now cold coffee you put when you got the alert.

“Why aren’t we throwing up and what are we working on?”

“Jesus Christ Sam, bang a foot or hand on something I don’t need another heart attack!” Grabbing your chest when the man walked in, quieter then you expected. While he wasn’t the quietest of the bunch, you were rather distracted so for you know he could have been walking like an elephant and you still wouldn’t notice.

“My trainer sent me an email. I’m going to Kentucky?”

Thus began the stare. The same stare he managed to adopt from both Bucky and Steve. Looking straight into your soul and learning all your darkest secrets. This went on for what felt like hours when realistically it was probably less than 2 minutes. Next thing you know, you’re no longer on the couch but instead being bear hugged while hearing the clear sounds of poppers and suspiciously a confetti canon.

“Yeah girl we know, she sent us the email first because she wanted to surprise you.”

“Plus it gave me an excuse to finally use my confetti canon.” Peter chirps in from literally out of nowhere while the rest of team files in, also from seemingly out of nowhere.

“Girl if you thought you wouldn’t make it this year then you’re crazy.” Steve replies, acting like he’s forgotten how much of a fever dream the year had been. You give him the Nordstrom look. A look you inherited, apparently, from great Aunt. All he can do is blush and look at his feet.

Taking a look around the room, you see proud faces, even if they wouldn’t admit there’s the smallest bit of concern. COVID had really put a dent on things and for the longest time you had no physical contact with any of your friends. Yes you were isolating in one of the spare rooms above the barn and would talk to the team in one of the big fields, socially distant of course, it still wasn’t the same. Nothing ever was.

They’d still be going out on missions, improved suits with face masks to help protect, while you were still training, and only ever leaving for competitions, getting tested before and after to be safe. You and your grooms had gotten lucky. Tony and Pepper were hell bent on keeping you three safe. Not that any of you minded.

Pulling you out of the trance, Sam lets you go to make the rounds of hugs. Slowly but surely, working your way around the now crowded room, you also see Nina and Bekah somehow got into the compound, hugging you as well.

“You bitches! You both knew didn’t you?”

“Eh, we wanted to see if you’d notice anything.” Nina confirming your thoughts. You had noticed during your sets that morning the girls were being a bit more giggly than normal, but chalked it up to some tiktok they’d seen.

“Hey all that matters is you’re finally making your debut. And at Kentucky no less.” Turning around from the semicircle that seemed to surround you, eyes sparkling and face flushing; a smile is on your face quicker than white on rice.

“Bucky!” You squeal, do a hop, skip, and a jump move, before hugging him with the same ferocity you see in those movies with the airport scenes. Unbeknownst to you to looks from everyone else that the pair of you were receiving. All you could focus on was the smell of sandalwood and dirt, and the warmth, regardless of the difference in appendages.

He pulls back from you and simply holds you there, looking at you as though you hung the moon and stars. Not that you’re any better, but it takes Bekah pulling at your shoulder for you to get back to your senses.

“Besides Doll, if anyone’s earned it from this hellhole year, it’s definitely you.” Looking back at the man, you notice the slightest hint of red on his cheeks, going all the way up to his ears.

“Buck that means a lot to me.”

“Anytime Doll.”

Going back to the email she had sent, you start going over the dates and training schedules she’s mapped out. Morning sets with yoga midday, lifting in the afternoon, and a second yoga practice after to stretch all the muscles. You don’t even bother looking at the meal plan knowing she’s already sent it to Pepper, who in turn gave Friday all the specifics. You were all set, complete with a workout schedule for not just yourself but your boys as well.

And the thought honestly scared you. Yes you were most assuredly on the younger side of the start list, barely even 25 but making it to the same level as Olympians, but you knew you had gotten lucky while having talent at the same time. A combination of both knowing how to get what you need, and being at the right place at the right time. And you knew that, your trainer also knew to make sure you knew that too.

You weren’t her only student, but you were the most experienced; though that didn’t stop her from making you clean out the boys’ stalls every morning. Whenever the donkey of Ridiculous Six came by, talk about being humbled.

For the remainder of the night, while most of the group went back to their rooms, you stayed on the couch to go over timelines, costs, and general necessities, Bucky and Peter kept quiet company, providing a presence in your otherwise, now very stressful life ahead. Trying not to think too much about what this means for your career, you bid the boys goodnight and head off to your room, thankful you only share the floor with Scott, when he’s in New York at least, and Bucky. Though the did sometimes contribute to your stress levels.

“Friday turn the shower on please.” The A.I. turning it to the exact temperature of your preference; hot enough to still annoy anyone who’d happen to share shower space with you. The room you had was definitely too big for your liking, but Pepper was your godmother and she wanted nothing but the best. Being in charge of Stark Industries got you the best. Though that never stopped you from the occasional splurge at Target.

You took time to get all the knots in hair out, wearing a hairnet for 5 hours of the day was always 5 hours too many. But you weren’t about to tell Delilah that. Woman was scary enough as it was. Eventually you made your way out of the shower and continued with your post shower routine, however unaware of the presence lurking by the door.

With how large the rooms were you never bothered closing your room door until you were sleeping. Not to mention you had 2 very large mirrors in the bathroom that gave one rather flustered super soldier a view of tattoos he wasn’t even aware you had. Bucky didn’t peg you as a tattoo girl, but to be fair he never really pegged you as a girl who did much apart from riding. So the second he looked up and saw you switching out your belly ring too, his face may as well have been a tomato from how red it was. Bucky left pretty quick after that hoping he’s even able to get an ounce of sleep with this new knowledge in his head.

#marvel mcu #marvel fanfiction #bucky fluff #bucky barns imagine #bucky barnes #new series #pls im sry lol

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asterlark · 4 years

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i’m sorry it took me so long to answer these but hi!! i always love talking about the swv!!

primer for those who don’t know: canonically there are 3 known members of the samwell women’s volleyball team: caitlin farmer ‘18 aka farmer aka chowder’s girlfriend, march ‘16 (who dated ransom for a bit) and april ‘16 who appeared in parse part 2 and who me & amber headcanon as co-captains in their junior & senior years. the rest were made up by me & @abermb!! they’re very gay and chaotic and i love them to death

kelsey sherman ‘17

psych major, wgss minor

from hawaii

like if shitty and holster were one person and that person was a loud, party-loving lesbian

that is, chaotic. lovable. often inebriated.

dating fellow team member bailey thompson

used to be a dancer

owns a ridiculous amount of snapbacks

probably has a tiktok. probably also has adhd

would get along with parse

is captain after march & april graduate

bailey thompson ‘16

bio major with a focus in forensic science, criminology minor

loves true crime shows & podcasts

fat & black & fucking stunning

anxious pansexual

similar in personality to lardo (she’s quieter, observant, but genuinely v chill & funny) - her & lardo def get along

collects sunglasses

responsible & a good student but doesn’t always take care of herself when stressed/busy/anxious- kelsey & the team help :)

loves dogs so... fucking... much

sara ‘18

double major in theatre & english

tragically heterosexual, if she wasn’t she’d be dating amanda

wants to write scripts or maybe books or maybe just be on broadway. she has a lot of dreams

shortest/smallest on the team yet fightiest & so loud

yes she’s a soprano. and an only child

loves photography & is proud of having 3000 followers on her hipster photography instagram

used to do ballet

always filming things- her snapchat & insta stories are always full of her teammates being dumb

used to be a 1d blogger, still has a tumblr but it’s just memes and her friends’ selfies

amanda ‘17

theatre major, art minor

the alto to sara’s soprano, yes they harmonize showtunes on roadies constantly, they are stereotypical annoying theatre majors dsghsjgf

very artistic, loves to draw & paint

is constantly drawing her teammates & sticking doodles in their lockers to improve morale at morning practice

human embodiment of a puppy, like at that stage where they’re tall but clumsy and excitable

trans straight girl

if she wasn’t straight she’d be dating sara

loves platonic kisses & cuddles

molly & mallory class of ????

like if ollie & wicky were also johnson

where did they come from.... when will they go......

both blonde & seemingly omniscient

no one can tell them apart unless they’re standing right next to each other (molly is a little shorter)

are they dating & just look really similar?? or are they like?? twins???? it’s unclear

mallory’s number is #53 and molly’s is #35 and sometimes they switch jerseys just to be terrible and confuse everyone

jessie ‘19

undeclared major at first bc everything is very exciting to her & she takes all the classes (excitability levels = chowder-esque)

by the time she’s a sophomore she figures out she wants to be a zoology major and be either a vet or a zookeeper

from texas, has a strong accent

weird texas shit: is very proficient at riding a horse, knows how to shoot a gun, had her first drink at 14 and owns 3 pairs of cowboy boots in varying colors (also a cowboy hat but everyone on the team shamed her out of wearing it in public)

thought she was straight until she went to samwell, figures out she’s bi by the end of freshman year

the second shortest/smallest on the team after sara but and similarly loud, altho shier when she’s not around her friends

when she talks fast she’s indecipherable

has bright red curly hair, freckles, huge brown cow eyes, is just generally adorable

as for how they’re doing now- i don’t think we made hc’s for the class of ‘20 or ‘21 so all these girls have graduated by now! i’ve already written a drabble about kelsey & bailey getting married lol so that’s definitely a thing (they probably had the wedding in 2019). jessie’s in vet school, sara and amanda live together in new york trying to make their broadway dreams happen, and molly & mallory? who fucking knows lmao

i always love talking about them so feel free to send me swv asks anytime!! if you’re thirsting for more here’s my tag and here’s the beautiful fanart! thank u for these asks, writing this up was a lot of fun!! 💖💖💖

#omgchckplease #unloneliest #swv-team #asks #mine #text #long post #sorry this took so long!!!!#i typed part of it up once and then tumblr lost my progress so it took a while for me to have spoons to write it again lol #but i love them and miss them!!

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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773

What’s the name of a song you’ve listened to a lot recently? Prepare for another Hayley answer folks. I’ve been listening to nothing but Petals For Armor this whole week – even lo-fi got a break :o – and Dead Horse is very easily my favorite track so that’s been racking up plays.

Are you texting anyone at this moment? No. I currently have a conversation with Gab on Messenger but replies on both ends are choppy because we’re doing our own thing.

Recently, who in your house has gotten on your nerves the most? It’d be a surprise if someone still doesn’t know the answer to this, but it’s my mom. We just have very different personalities and traits, and that is mostly because I have made it my life’s mission to not end up like her.

Think of the most recent time that you went out to eat with someone, who ended up paying? We split the bill, as we always do. That last time was in my favorite ramen place I now realize :( I miss the outside worldddddd.

Is there anything that’s been weighing on your mind as far as a decision your contemplating whether to act on or not? Explain. Everyday it’s always a mental battle whether I’m touching my thesis or not for that day. It’s such a big deal for me and there’s so much pressure to produce an excellent one that I’m always too scared to look at it, even if it is MY work.

What all has pissed you off today, if anything at all? My mom was making unbelievable statements about ABSCBN (the major network that the government pettily hates and demanded to shut down) and how they deserve the ordeal they’ve been going through...fucking unbelievable. I wasn’t going to let her slide so I offered up my arguments, but I felt her cowering and my suspicions were confirmed when she changed the topic.

How often do you talk to the person you currently have feelings for? Well I’m already with her, so we talk pretty often throughout the day. It’ll decrease if we’re both super busy, but when it’s one of those days we make sure we at least talk when we wake up and before we go to bed.

When was the last time you couldn’t stop laughing? A Tiktok Angela shared with me. Holy shit it was so funny - it was of a girl going through Twilight and reading every single time Stephenie Meyer used the word ‘chuckled’ with a hilarious voice filter.

Out of all of your friends who have you gotten in the worst fight with? Explain what happened. I super hate having conflicts with people I’m close to, so I honestly can’t tell you an argument I’ve had with a friend even if I try racking my brain for one.

If you had $100 dollars, how would you spend it? I’d rather save it till I’ll have to go job-hunting. I’ll spend the money on gas to go to job interviews.

What’s something you would love to have happen right now? I just want the reassurance that I’ll end up in a good job eventually. This whole period waiting for graduation with nothing happening isn’t good for me, and with the lockdown still in place I’ll have to also wait till I can start legit applying for jobs, so these days I’m essentially just living with double the amount of anxiety I’d normally have.

You were given the opportunity to get a new cellular device, what do you choose? iPhone 11 Pro Max.

Which of your classes in school is most capable of killing a good mood for you? Business reporting. Before the quarantine, that class absolutely ruined my Fridays which used to be my favorite day of the week. I had a great teacher who opened every avenue possible to help us because it was objectively a difficult class, but that’s all I saw it as – difficult. All my other classes were okay.

How nice of a person are you, honestly? I’m super nice and am always that way with everyone. Though if I encounter someone with a behavior that I don’t like, like being a lousy co-worker or if they support the government lolol, I’ll be less nice but like still not an asshole. It’s a waste of time being a shitty person to other people.

What good things have happened today? My dad bought Pringles yesterday so I got to have them today and holy shit, they are so so good. It also wasn’t that hot today - weather was still awful of course, but at least I didn’t sweat through my shirt or have to breathe heavily, which is good enough for me.

Can you honestly say that at this point and time you’re happy with the way things are going in your life? Not yet, but I’ll get there.

Is there anyone of your preferred sex who tends to mess with your head? I don’t have a preferred sex.

What have you recently gotten the most compliments on? Honestly nothing. I haven’t been on social media lately because the country is shit and citizens are always saying stupid shit, so I haven’t talked to that many people lately.

When you get to go shopping for new clothes, where do you go to find your clothes? Feliz.

How do you feel about inter-racial couples? You do you. I don’t see anything wrong with it and besides, Filipinos marrying foreigners has always been a common sight.

Have you ever thought you were in love, and then realized later on that your feelings weren’t as strong as you had thought? No.

When will be the next time you travel out of state, where will you be going? I have no clue. All travel plans have been put on hold for a while, so I’ll have to wait until that eases out.

If I were to see you face to face, who would you more than likely be with? My dog.

What is one assumption people make of you, by just seeing you? That I’m grumpy. It’s not inaccurate at all, I definitely have a bit of a short fuse.

When deciding the significance of someone in your life, what is an important deciding factor? How much I can trust them, if we’ve had memorable times together, and if they have the ability to make me feel better when I’m down.

What is something that you have come to realize doesn’t work for you? Trying to have a rational disagreement with my mom. She will always handle conflict immaturely. I will always wonder why she has lasted this long without anyone calling her out on such a poor behavior.

Have you ever grown apart from someone, and then over time you came back into each others lives? Yeah dude, Gabie. I lost her for a while after our first breakup, which was technically two losses for me because she’s also my best friend. We grew apart for around four months but after that we reconnected, patched things up, and realized being friends wasn’t gonna cut it so we ended up dating again haha.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how shy are you? 12 for people I’m not close to, maybe a 6 for those I know well already.

Chose one quality of yours that has caused you problems, explain one situation where the quality was apparent. Mmm when I’m anxious or not having a good day overall, I tend to ignore everyone. I will open messages but not reply to anyone of them, and on the worst days I won’t reply even to the work-related messages. And if anyone asks me if I’m ok or not, it’s going to be seenzoned; if anyone sends me a meme, it’s going to be seenzoned, you get the idea.

I was having a rough time the other day when JM asked me to take over a task for the org, and while I had every intention of doing it, I a) didn’t reply to him, and b) didn’t feel like doing the task until after dinner. When I opened my laptop to get on the job, I already got a message from JM apologizing and saying he had to overstep and do the work himself because he didn’t get a reply from me and because I haven’t done the task yet. I can honestly that’s never happened before and as a perfectionist I was super disappointed in myself and I must’ve apologized to him a thousand times.

Is there something you should be doing right now, besides this survey? Taking a shower.

When was the last time you turned down making plans with someone, why did you? I think it was just that party with Rita’s sister’s DJ friend. I don’t normally turn down plans because I’m always game for anything lol.

Who did you last confide in, what did it involve? I was telling Gabie how much I hate the Mother’s Day posts from everyone on Facebook. I didn’t use Facebook last Sunday precisely because I wanted to avoid seeing any of them, but when I loaded my feed now they were still all over my timeline. I had had enough of waiting for them to go away, so I vented to her.

#survey #surveys

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tabloidtoc · 4 years

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Life & Style, May 4

Cover: Rob Lowe -- Fame Almost Killed Me

Page 1: Photo Flash -- Demi Lovato for Harper’s Bazaar

Page 2: Contents

Page 4: The Top 10 Lucy Hale Looks

Page 6: Twinning -- Nicky Hilton vs. Rachel Brosnahan ✅, Claire Foy vs. Maya Rudolph ✅, Phoebe Tonkin ✅ vs. Margot Robbie

Page 8: Lori Loughlin going to jail for 10 years because her attempt to get a judge to drop all charges related to the college admissions cheating scandal backfired in a big way when federal prosecutors released photos of her daughters on rowing machines as well as emails sent by her husband Mossimo Giannulli seemingly laughing about their crimes

Page 9: Kim Kardashian is desperate to get in Meghan Markle’s good graces so she asked mutual friend Serena Williams to schedule a meeting but Meghan doesn’t want anything to do with that family -- Serena thinks Meghan is being silly and rude and it’s put a strain on their friendship, Throwback -- Stephen Colbert, Biggest Spenders of the Week -- David and Victoria Beckham, Kylie Jenner, Amal and George Clooney, Tyler Perry, Ana de Armas

Page 10: Ellen Pompeo is trading in her Grey’s Anatomy scrubs for some dancing shoes -- she’s been trying to do a dance competition show for years and now it’s turned into a docuseries with RuPaul and choreographer Yanis Marshall, after taking a years break from the dating scene Selena Gomez is ready to find love again and she’s asked Taylor Swift to help

Page 12: Alicia Silverstone was well on her way to becoming the next big thing in Hollywood but being called fat and struggling to fit into her Batgirl suit for 1997′s Batman & Robin she had no interest in being famous after that and disappeared from the public eye but she’s now primed for a comeback

Page 13: Lady Gaga fears Dua Lipa is trying to steal her sound as well as her fan base after Dua’s new album got rave reviews but Dua and her camp think that Gaga is the true copycat, Chrissy Teigen is living every hour like it’s happy hour while in quarantine with John Legend and their two kids after vowing to quit drinking in 2017 and 2019, VIP Style -- Sarah Michelle Gellar (pictured), Antoni Porowski sharing the snacks is his pantry including Lenny & Larry’s vegan protein cookies, Sean “Diddy” Combs, January Jones, Ashley Green, Olivia Culpo and Christian McCaffrey, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott

Page 14: The Week in Photos -- Liam Hemsworth in Men’s Health

Page 15: Pink and Carey Hart, Jason Statham and son Jack

Page 16: Kaley Cuoco adopted two tiny piglets named Leeroy and Wilbur, Jennifer Garner and her lookalike daughter Violet

Page 17: Nina Dobrev, Demi Moore and Bruce Willis’ family book club reading How to Rule the World From Your Couch

Page 18: Chris Martin coming and going in low-riding jeans on a bike

Page 20: Jillian Michaels in the park in Malibu with kids Phoenix and Lukensia, Blake Shelton let Gwen Stefani shave a few inches off his quarantine mullet

Page 21: Sarah Silverman cheers on health care workers

Page 22: Jimmy Fallon’s daughters Winnie and Frances help him on the Tonight Show from home

Page 23: Rachel Brosnahan snuggles her dog Nikki, Kate Hudson and Danny Fujikawa walk daughter Rani, Joel Kinnaman hugs supermodel girlfriend Kelly Gale on the beach in LA

Page 24: Stars Behaving Badly -- Lisa Rinna opens a bottle of wine with her teeth, Justin Theroux and rescue dog Kuma wearing a black tie for their sit-down dinner, Courtney Stodden walks her dog Gucci in nothing but a bathrobe

Page 25: Miley Cyrus sprawled across the lap of the Easter Bunny, Ryan Gosling got a parking ticket

Page 26: Say What?! Hannah Ann Sluss paints an unflattering picture of ex Peter Weber’s manhood, Brad Pitt who recently surprised his makeup artist with a home renovation on Celebrity IOU, Emily Ratajkowski on her new addiction to TikTok in self-isolation, Khloe Kardashian on the prospect of getting into a physical fight with her eldest sister Kourtney Kardashian, Laverne Cox on turning 48 in May

Page 28: Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden have grown closer since welcoming their daughter Raddix in January

Page 29: Already a mom of four Heidi Klum is hoping to have another baby with new hubby Tom Kaulitz

Page 30: Cover Story -- Rob Lowe’s untold story -- as he prepares to mark 30 years of sobriety, a look back at his painful wild past

Page 34: Kanye West is fed up with Kim Kardashian -- Kim wants Kanye to help out more at home but he’s tired of being nagged

Page 36: Val Kilmer kisses and tells -- former ladies’ man tells all on a series of famous exes in his new book I’m You’re Huckleberry -- Angelina Jolie, Ellen Barkin, Cher, Carly Simon, Cindy Crawford

Page 38: Kelly Ripa Monster Mom -- her older children are tiring of her criticism

Page 40: Insta Pups -- these canine cuties have built up online followings that rival those of their celebrity owners -- Mark Wahlberg’s pint-size phenom named Champ, Lady Gaga’s li’l monster Asia or Batpig

Page 41: Andy Cohen’s real housepet Wacha, Nina Dobrev’s shaggy scene-stealer Maverick, Scott Disick and Sofia Richie’s baby girl Hershula

Page 42: Who Lives Here? Jennifer Love Hewitt

Page 44: Entertainment

Page 45: Star Review -- Giacomo Gianniotti

Page 46: Fashion -- safari-inspired style -- Emma Watson

Page 48: Beauty -- brow wow -- Sofia Vergara, Shay Mitchell, Emma Roberts

Page 50: Style Crush -- Lauren Conrad

Page 52: Diva or Down-to-Earth? Diva Jessica Alba employs a styling staff, Diva Gigi Hadid applies a 24k gold beauty mask

Page 53: Down-to-Earth Amber Heard cleans out her garage, Down-to-Earth Kristin Chenoweth solves a puzzle

Page 54: Social Stars Posts of the Week -- Jessica Biel and son Silas, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton, Justin Bieber and Hailey Bieber, Bella Hadid kisses a horse while self-isolating at mom Yolanda Hadid’s Pennsylvania farm

Page 55: Sam Smith, Kevin Hart and son Kenzo, Shay Mitchell, Jana Kramer and Mike Caussin with their kids

Page 56: Horoscope -- Taurus Jessica Alba, They’re Not Together But They Should Be -- Capricorn Bradley Cooper and Sagittarius Rita Ora

Page 58: Made Ya Look -- Jim Carrey on The Kelly Clarkson Show

Page 60: What I’m Into -- Jenni “JWOWW” Farley

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whistlingpig · 3 years

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I’m going to vanish for a while, but before I do, I think I should explain myself so nobody gets the wrong idea:

A few days ago, I stumbled across a TikTok video of a fat girl showing off her bathing suit. Against my better judgement, I looked at the comment section. It was filled with trolls repeating the same tired fat jokes I’ve heard a thousand times before. At this point, they shouldn’t hurt. But they do. And I haven’t been able to get them out of my head

Every time I’m forced to share the same space with another human being, I find myself wondering... do they feel this way about me? Are they offended by my stomach, my rolls, my chins? Are they just pretending to be nice?

It’d be different if being fat was the only thing I had working against me, but I’m also extremely socially awkward, stupid, and uncoordinated. I stumble over my words, I lisp, I blurt out dumb observations at the wrong times, ask questions with obvious answers. Furniture creaks when I sit on it, I breathe heavy, I’m clumsy/accident prone, and I’m ugly!

If I had my way, I’d live like a hermit. I’ve never enjoyed socializing; it’s draining for me. Even after a positive social interaction, I need to retreat to the safety of my bedroom and recharge for several days As the saying goes: you don’t just marry a person - you marry the whole family. It’s true. And for me, it’s been a never-ending nightmare of awkward exchanges. I’m quite certain at this point that my father-in-law despises me. Why wouldn’t he, after all? I’ve never given him a reason to like me! I believe my mother-in-law simply tolerates me because it’s necessary in order to keep in contact with her beloved son. I think... long before we ever actually met, they formed negative opinions of me based on things Jim told them: that I was an alcoholic, that I was in and out of the hospital for various ‘mystery’ ailments, that I was pushy, physically violent when drunk, mentally ill, and unable to work. I’m definitely not the person they hoped their son would spend the rest of his life with

It’s not my intention to catalogue every passive-aggressive remark my in-laws make around me.. I don’t want to be the kind of person who collects grievances and plays the victim-card. That’s what my sister does! However, because I have such thin skin, I find it difficult to let other peoples’ comments roll off my back

A couple of recent examples:

- My MIL asked Jim and me to take a couple photos of her with her husband. We happily obliged. When we’d finished, she insisted they turn the camera on us. I laughed it off and said I don’t do photos. She just wouldn’t take no for an answer, though.. She kept telling us to pose. Jim could sense I was panicking - he pulled his mom aside to explain that I’m very uncomfortable with having my photo taken. She finally relented and I thought “whew, crisis averted!”. But later, as we were standing on the porch together, she turned to me and said, “if I ever take a photo of you, just know I’m not trying to steal your soul.” I just laughed. She doesn’t know I used to spend hours photographing myself from different angles, then circling the parts of my body I hated most. She doesn’t know I used to cover my mirrors. She doesn’t know how unhealthy my relationship with my own body is. And how could she? It’s my problem, not hers! But her flippant remark not only hurt my feelings, it made me feel as if my past trauma had somehow inconvenienced HER. I should have sucked it up and let her take the photo. She would have showed it to us. I would have spent the night having a meltdown. I wanted to avoid that

- We accompanied my MIL to the church to look at leftovers from a rummage sale. The idea was to get some cheap clothes/shoes. As soon as we arrived, I started looking for things I might be able to wear. Jim wandered off to the other end of the building to look at toys. He kept holding up silly items to show me and at one point I jokingly said, “hey, you aren’t even looking at clothes!!” His mom must have thought I was genuinely angry because she kinda snapped at me that “he can look at other things if he wants.” Jim and I engage in playful banter all the time; neither of us are serious! It isn’t the first time she’s felt the need to rush to his defense when she didn’t like the way we were kidding around. It’s kind of bizarre? She got angry when we were going through his old school journals and laughing at the misspelled words/crayon drawings. We weren’t laughing at JIM! Just at the silly things he wrote/drew.

- Today I was putting together a small package for my mom. I went in the bedroom to get a piece of paper for a note & when I came back out to the living room, Jim was gone. I said, “I never know where my husband goes! He vanished again!” My FIL replied: “It’s a husband thing. He’s doing it to save himself.” Maybe he said protect? I can’t recall. Either way, the gist of the joke was that husbands need to get away from their wives so they don’t go crazy. I laughed and sarcastically said, “oh come on, I know he loves spending every waking moment of his life with me.” Didn’t catch whatever FIL said next, but I think it must’ve been mean-spirited or something because MIL apologized on his behalf. This was shortly before I was reminded of the 4th of July, 2018. When I was pressured into trying to ride a horse, AFTER I’d expressed concerns over my weight being an issue. She insisted I try to get in the saddle, even though I wasn’t comfortable. It ended with her in the ER with a dislocated shoulder. Jack was furious. Today I was reminded about how he had to drive her to the ER and spend the evening in the waiting room with a bunch of weirdos. Just a joke, of course. But not really. Because he really was angry. And it really did ruin his night. But just a joke, of course.

I feel like everyone expected some sort of magical transformation to occur as soon as I was removed from the toxic shithole I used to live in. Maybe they thought I’d “come out of my shell”? That, instead of being overwhelmed, I’d embrace the idea of joining their enormous family and fit right in! The opposite happened. At first, I forced myself to be around them... As time went on, I returned to my reclusive lifestyle. Keeping others at arm’s length might make me look like a snob, but it’s how I’ve always been. It probably won’t change any time soon.

MIL and I are very different. When I get a package, I wait for the UPS driver to leave before I run out to grab it. She’ll meet the UPS driver at the door and have a 45-minute conversation with him

Anyway, the bottom line is.... I don’t belong here. After almost a year, I can say that with confidence. I’m not cut out to be part of a family! This has been weighing on my mind heavily for the past several months. Now I’m beginning to obsess over my weight/appearance again. I’m an insecure mess. I’m also rationing my medications........ it’s a perfect recipe for disaster

The other night, Jim’s cousin asked us over for hot dogs & drinks. I made an appearance - ONLY because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him and his girlfriend. I don’t want them to think I’m avoiding them! I feel like it didn’t go very well, though... As a fat person, eating in front of others is always complicated. On the one hand, I don’t want to offend the host by refusing food they cooked specifically for me. On the other, I don’t want to attract attention by being a fat woman eating a hot dog, lmao. The right thing to do would have been to decline - to give the impression I actually give a rat’s ass about my weight. Jim’s cousin’s girlfriend did that - and she probably only weighs like 100 pounds. I noticed, every time I took a bite of my hot dog, she stared. Why? Because you’re disgusted? Entertained? Are you asking yourself what my husband sees in me? You ignore everything I post on Instagram, but you like everything my husband posts. I notice these things. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I drank a cider. I got tipsy. I laughed a little too loud at jokes that weren’t funny. My teeth were throbbing. I made a bad impression. She kept looking at me, but every time I tried to make eye contact, she turned away

I could lose weight. By that, I mean, it’s physically possible. Do I have the self-control to stop guzzling soda and eating fast food? Probably not. But I’m off the market, I’m married, my husband likes to grind his hard dick against my stomach and knead my love-handles while I lie on top of him. Does it matter what anyone else thinks? I guess it does. Maybe It does when nobody knows he likes me this way. That he tells me he prefers fat women

Yeah, I could lose weight. Do I really want to, though? If I lost 100 pounds & suddenly began receiving compliments from the same people who treated me like a leper when I was fat.... Would I want that? No. You can take your beauty-standards and shove them up your ass. I don’t want to lose weight to win the approval of people who wouldn’t give me the time of day when I was fat

But it isn’t her fault she was disgusted by me. She takes care of her body

You know what I want? More than anything? Money. Enough money to live comfortably. Alone. I don’t want to die. I just want to remove myself from this bad situation. Live in solitude. Give Jim back to his family

And I want to vanish from the internet, too. Because if you knew me in real life, you’d be disappointed. If you like me online, it just means I’ve somehow managed to fool you. I would like to be forgotten! Move on, make real friends, and succeed!

I’m not stupid. I mean, I am. But I’m aware my social media accounts are just a source of entertainment for the handful of people who follow ‘em. I’m not quite... oh, what do they call it on Kiwifarms? A Lolcow? My meltdowns occur on a small, mostly empty corner of the internet. At least they’re still funny

Thanks for reading, if you did. I’ll be going now.

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deadcactuswalking · 3 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 27/03/2021 (Justin Bieber’s ‘Justice’, Griff, Lil Tjay/Polo G/Fivio Foreign)

You might think that since I can take time out of my schedule to ramble about charts every week, that I have a lot of time on my hands and this may or may not be true but even I do not have enough time or energy to listen to – or even care about – new releases from both Justin Bieber and Lana Del Rey. So, of course, they make the most impact on the chart this week, even if said impact is still pretty muted. Our #1 is, for a second week, “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans and remixed by 220 KID and Billen Ted, and welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

It may not make any sense to you that “Anyone” by Justin Bieber has dropped out of the UK Top 75 – which I cover – on the week of the album’s release, but UK chart rules stipulate that only the three best-performing songs from an artist can chart at any time, which is pretty stupid all things considered but I’m not complaining since it gives me less of a workload... or more, I don’t know. With more album tracks from Justin, I’m sure they would cancel at least some of the other, lower new entries out. This isn’t the Hot 100, however, this is the UK Singles Chart, and hence we follow their rules, which means that we also have the notable drop-outs of “Bluuwuu” by Digga D, “Regardless” by RAYE and Rudimental, “Love Not War (The Tampa Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Nuka, “Afterglow” by Ed Sheeran, “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus featuring Dua Lipa, and finally, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV. It seems like this week in particular is pushing out old hits to make way for the new, and that’s a great thing as far as I’m concerned.

In terms of notable fallers, there are a few as expected from having a lot of action at the top, as we have “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #20, “Bringing it Back” by Digga D and AJ Tracey at #41, “Money Talks” by Fredo and Dave at #45, “Best Friend” by Saweetie featuring Doja Cat at #46, “telepatía” by Kali Uchis at #47, “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu featuring Drake on the remix at #57, “Addicted” to Jorja Smith at #61 off of the debut, “DAYWALKER!” by Machine Gun Kelly featuring CORPSE not disappearing fast enough at #63, “Anxious” by AJ Tracey at #65, “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #71, “Good Days” by SZA at #72, “Heat” by Paul Woodford and Digga D at #74 and finally, “Toxic” by Digga D at #75. That’s before we take into account our album impacts from the last few weeks, as well, as for Central Cee, “Commitment Issues” is at #11, “6 for 6” is at #26 and “Day in the Life” is at #56. As for Drake, “What’s Next” is at #32, “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” featuring Rick Ross is at #33 and “Wants and Needs” featuring Lil Baby is at #44.

So, what’s filling in the cracks? Well, our one returning entry is the title track, “Chemtrails Over the Country Club”, from Lana Del Rey’s newest record back at #62. “Tulsa Jesus Freak” did actually chart below the top 75, so this and the debut for “White Dress” later on is all we’ll see from Lana this week. In terms of our notable gains, well, there’s not much to speak of other than the surge for Majestic’s remix of “Rasputin” by Boney M. up to #49 off of the debut, other than “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #48, “Medicine” by James Arthur at #43, “Ferrari Horse” by D-Block Europe and RAYE at #30 and the expected album boost for “Hold On” by Justin Bieber up to #10. With all that said, we won’t be hearing from Justin for a while as we get onto our new arrivals for this week, so let’s start from the bottom.

NEW ARRIVALS

#68 – “Track Star” – Mooski

Produced by Woodpecker

Okay, so this is a song from last year from complete nobody rapper Mooski that got big in the US on TikTok a couple months ago so, no surprise, we get it sometime later. Well, at least this Mooski guy seems to at least want to tell a story here, as the song doesn’t stray far away from the topic of a woman with commitment issues who doesn’t stay with him when times get hard. For what it’s worth, content-wise, at least it’s a narrative, even if lyrics like, “Leave a trail of heartbreak and heartache like, it’s cool” sound closer to emo-rap whining than he probably intended. Not that it needed a narrative, because barely any songs can actually affectively tell them, but there’s got to be sometimes to distract from this squeaky, strained vocal loop and all of the janky melodies surrounding it, not to mention the downright awful 808s and percussion that reminds me more of the Afroswing we got on the charts back in 2018 than any trap-rap. Mooski himself is a complete non-presence, especially when he starts stuttering on the bridge, to the point where I can’t distinguish whether it’s totally embarrassing or subtly endearing. Either way, I can’t see myself listening to this like... ever outside of the context of this episode, especially considering how undeservedly long it is for a song like this.

#66 – “Beautiful Mistakes” – Maroon 5 featuring Megan Thee Stallion

Produced by Andrew Goldstein and blackbear

Adam Levine recently said that he misses the “bands” in pop music – you know, people who play all of their instruments and stuff like that. Then he continued to release a song under the name of his band where he swaps out more than half of his band with blackbear and Megan Thee Stallion. Of course. Well, you can tell it’s written by blackbear since Adam Levine directly imitates his staccato, monotonous flow in the first verse and the generally very awkward writing throughout... which is fine, I guess, because at least Levine isn’t stretching himself out into his falsetto much here, and Megan on auto-pilot can still carry her verse off of charisma alone, and her singing in the bridge sounds better than it ever has, so I’m not going to complain about her part here. The main issue in this song, I feel, is just lack of detail. The song’s about the lengths Adam and Megan would go for their significant others but I feel like only Megan attempts to describe what’s going on in these relationships as Adam plays word association with the concept. Adam, you can time-travel back to the Kara’s Flowers era any time now. Pop-punk is making a comeback, and I know you’d hate to not be a part of that, especially if you’re longing for new bands in pop music.

#59 – “Know You” – wewaintwraiths

Produced by Oath

I mean, I suppose I’ve heard worse names than “wewantwraiths” although after he buys a new car with the check his label gives him for the chart success of this song, he might want to change it. Maybe “nowwegotawraith”. That’s besides the point, though, as just as you’d expect, we have another week and hence another UK drill track that leaves little to no impact. This guy actually kind of makes himself out like a British Mooski, with his longing, Auto-Tuned flow that I don’t think he even tried to make sound good, especially considering how janky and unstructured the whole thing is. This drill beat is pretty worthless too, as whilst I don’t mind the mesh of vocal samples and the 808 slides, I cannot stand how this is mixed so that the hi-hats are louder than Mr. Wraiths himself. I don’t mind the content, to be honest, as it depicts him finding a girl and the eventual breakup in a lot of detail. By the end, he’s harmonising with the background vocals and there are a couple of cool synth riffs, but it’s way too little, too late to start caring about detail, especially if for the majority of the song, the percussion and vocals sound this bad.

#58 – “Dimension” – JAE5 featuring Skepta and Rema

Produced by JAE5

If you know JAE5, you probably know him for his production as for years, he has been blending genres for some of the most interesting and best British rap, most notably in how he fuses drill, R&B and Afrobeats as J Hus’ primary beat-maker. He also produced songs for Dave, Shakka and Burna Boy, which got him a Grammy win, as well as “Options” by NSG, one of the biggest ever British rap songs and still one of the most infectious. Now he’s embarking on a solo career less like a DJ Khaled and more like a Metro Boomin, bringing along legendary British rapper Skepta along for the ride, as well as an appearance from Nigerian singer Rema, whose wonderful nasal tone really stands out alongside all of the synth ambiance in this production, as well as the stuttering hi-hats and those gorgeous falsetto vocal samples. Skepta sounds pretty checked-out over a beat probably too smooth for him, which shifts over to some staccato piano, as well as some intricacies in this production that sound great, especially the jazzier touches that accentuate the already great groove with some Latin-flavoured guitar and strings. Oh, yeah and the subtle brass on Rema’s verse is excellent, even if Rema isn’t saying much of anything – in fact, content-wise is probably the only place where this song kind of flounders, as Skeppy zig-zags from socially conscious lyrics about Pan-Africanism and the plight that many Africans on and outside of the continent in day to day life, to “Girls sellin’ the coochie for Gucci”. Ah, well, ultimately, the song sounds incredible and I really should check out more of Rema’s stuff if it’s at this same level of detail. I’m pretty excited for that JAE5 album now, whenever that’s coming.

#51 – “White Dress” – Lana Del Rey

Produced by Lana Del Rey and Jack Antonoff

And from Afropop to the whitest singer currently charting this side of Taylor Swift, here’s what I suppose is the next single push from that Lana Del Rey that I practically avoided entirely. I understand that a lot of people are loving this but frankly, I’ve never been a fan so I’ve given up trying. If Norman Fricking Rockwell! couldn’t convert me, I don’t think her subsequent releases will, in fact, I can place a bet that listening to this whole album will make her music sour on me even more. Well, this song is about... being disillusioned with the music industry and public fame. I see. The implications that come with that aside, I have no reason to care about Lana once again breathily cooing over an ambiance that refuses to effectively create an atmosphere that really clicks with the nostalgia tone Lana’s lyrics take here, instead just meandering through this snooze of piano-based blend, only elevating itself through clashing percussion that ends up fading itself out of view way too quickly. Also, shouting out Kings of Leon feels both completely in character and unintentionally hilarious. At least as far as I’m aware, neither they nor the White Stripes, also name-dropped in the song, are blatantly racist on social media... I hope, at least.

#40 – “Headshot” – Lil Tjay, Polo G and Fivio Foreign

Produced by Bordeaux, Non Native, TnTXD, Tahj Money, Dmac and 101 Slide

So this really needs six producers, huh? For a song that’s barely two minutes? Okay, well, after the success of “Calling My Phone”, it only makes sense that Lil Tjay will follow up an R&B crooner with a harder rap cut, and here it is, and it kicks a lot of ass – or at least as much ass that can be kicked with the nasal, unconvincing tones all of these guys have. The main loop of the intimidating strings here, accentuated by that staccato piano melody, is the perfect backing for a hard-hitting trap beat that I almost wish had some more bombast outside of its badly-mastered 808 bass. That said, Polo G kills it regardless, with some of the most energy he’s ever given and the most lyrical detail out of any of the guys on the song, as his fast-paced flow is genuinely menacing... and now I understand why the song needs six producers, because as smoothly as possible, that cacophonous Pop Smoke-esque gunshot percussion comes in and it soon becomes an intense New York drill track more befitting for Fivio Foreign’s verse, who may not have any of the lyrical dexterity but he fills in the blanks with his ad-libs and still carrying the drill beat pretty well, before Lil Tjay comes in as intense as he ever has on a beat that reverts to the trap knock again, very smoothly. I do find it pretty odd that of all people here, Fivio has the longest verse, but I guess his verse is more of a bridge to act as a gap between two overwhelmingly gun-fire verses, both of which have content that can pretty much be summed up as gunplay and flexing, but with some of the bluntest, most deathly lyrics I’ve heard in rap, especially when Lil Tjay just pretty explicitly says he kills anyone he even dares to disrespect them. I’m now thinking I should delete the episode where I gave “Calling My Phone” Worst of the Week. Speaking of that song, this song is so much better it’s almost confusing. Maybe this high-energy gangsta-rap stuff is somehow a more convincing lane for an auto-crooner like Lil Tjay than alternative R&B.

#39 – “Black Hole” – Griff

Produced by LOSTBOY

Again, in stark contrast, Disney pop. Okay, maybe calling it Disney pop is misleading but the main reason Griff is succeeding now is that Disney Christmas advert, which gave her “Love is a Compass”, her first charting song – and a pretty bad one at that. This single, released this January, is a lot more upbeat than that drone of a ballad and hence fits Griff’s limited vocal capabilities a lot better, as she does a good Selena Gomez impression – almost good enough to forget that she’s now whispering over reggaeton so Griff will basically be her replacement in the UK – over some pretty indie-pop that decides to produce itself out of common sense... if that makes sense. The quirky strings and bass start the song before the percussion comes in and it makes sense as it rises pretty regularly, until this one dissonant, chamber-echo bassline comes in and morphs the entire song, only for it to disappear for the first chorus, but given how anti-climactic that first chorus is, there’s no build-up that makes that cathartic, at all... before it comes back in just to disturb the peace for the second chorus and verse. Not that the song’s mixed badly, particularly, I mean, “DAYWALKER!” had a similar discrepancy last week and did it much worse. In fact, I think this production being so awkward makes the song a lot more endearing as it just represent that “black hole” in the content that’s being left where Griff’s heart used to be – because, of course. I wish that chorus made a lot more of an impact though because as is, it feels very much lacking in stakes, both sonically and lyrically, especially since the song doesn’t really go into any detail about how she tries to fill the gap, which I think would be a lot more interesting. As is, I mean, it’s listenable but I don’t know for how long before this becomes grating. Regardless, it’s looking to become a hit so we’ll see how this goes. Maybe mindless bubblegum-indie-pop is what the nation needs right now. Who knows?

#24 – “As I Am” – Justin Bieber featuring Khalid

Produced by Skrillex, Ido Zmishiany, Josh Gudwin and The Monsters & Strangerz

Now we here. These two tracks that debuted are basically the most I’m hearing from this Justice record past the singles, so I was kind of hoping the tracks with Skrillex and Lil Uzi Vert would chart out of morbid curiosity, but it’s seemingly the more R&B-adjacent cuts that are debuting the highest, as Bieber teams up with Khalid for a piano ballad, as Bieber talk-sings over some overly processed instrumental that pretty much goes off the rails as soon as the guitars come in and suddenly, it’s not so much of a ballad as much as it is a janky EDM track. In fact, everything about this is janky, from the non-build-up that leads to a really ugly, almost future bass-like drop that’s just kind of funny in how those distorted synths career in the mix like accordions. Then Khalid comes in pretending to be British as always, and despite his worst efforts, he can’t really harmonise with someone as digitally processed as Bieber when he’s a genuinely soulful and damn good singer. At some point, Bieber just goes insane in the bridge and Khalid’s there to bring him back down to Earth, doing so by forcefully stripping the future bass away and rescuing themselves both back to the safety of a clipping piano instrumental. Yeah, this is ridiculously bad – almost in the way that it makes me want to hear the rest of the album – but I wouldn’t go as far to say it’s so bad it’s good, mostly because I’m pretty aware it’s a fluke in an album that’s otherwise pretty boring, at least going by the singles. Of course, speak of the Devil...

#3 – “Peaches” – Justin Bieber featuring Daniel Caesar and Giveon

Produced by Shndo and HARV

Finally, electroclash legend Peaches released her comeback single and it debuted at #3 on the UK Singles Chart – or, in reality, Justin Bieber’s milquetoast R&B imitation with two genuinely pretty good alternative R&B singers Justin coasts off of the skill and talent of, debuts at #3 because we’ve got nothing else to do as a country but sit, complain and stream sea shanties. I watched the video for this when it came out, again mostly out of morbid curiosity, and it’s kind of a comedic gem as Justin’s clearly the only one trying (because he doesn’t understand the concept of smooth, low-key R&B), making him feel so out of place when stuck between Caesar and Giveon. It’s like Hailey Bieber knew Justin was going to be lonely on his birthday so she paid the coolest kids in school to humour him for a couple minutes. In fact, that’s pretty much the song as they all croon pretty effortlessly over a smooth, pretty organic drum groove as well as this subtle synth blend... except Justin Bieber, of course, who tries his best to be a presence on a track where he’s literally supposed to be in the background. Thankfully, that’s not necessarily a complaint as this is Bieber’s best vocal performance in years, maybe ever, even if he’s immediately outshined by Caesar harmonising pretty excellently with his own multi-tracking, channelling the kind of neo-soul that people like Tyler, The Creator and Kali Uchis were making together half a decade ago. Giveon is here, also, but I’m not sure if he fits as well as synth-funk as he does on the moodier stuff. I know for damn sure that Sampha wouldn’t feature on a Bieber track, even if this is the most respectable Bieber’s been in forever. Admittedly, by the final chorus, it’s absolutely infectious – even if the lyrics are beyond stupid. The verses are about intimacy with their respective significant others, written in the most inoffensive, lovey-dovey way possible, but the chorus is about getting peaches from Georgia, weed from California, and bringing them alongside your wife to Canada to see the Northern Lights. Sure. If that final synth solo in the outro proves anything, it’s that this song should be great and just kind of falls flat due to lack of focus. That’s not to say the song isn’t good though, because I’ll be singing that chorus quietly to myself without realising it for the next week or so. Good job, Bieber.

Conclusion

Best of the Week is actually going to Justin Bieber for “Peaches” featuring Daniel Caesar and Giveon, if only to balance out the fact that he also gets Worst of the Week for “As I Am” featuring Khalid, what a trainwreck. Honourable Mention in that case pretty easily goes to “Headshot” by Lil Tjay, Polo G and Fivio Foreign, but even in a mixed bag week like this, Dishonourable Mention is kind of tough. There’s not a lot to outright dislike here, but I’ll give it to Mooski’s “Track Star” by default. With that said, here’s our top 10:

I can’t really make much prediction for next week other than the drowning out of all of this, although I can see “Peaches” absolutely having some legs. I can safely say Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato will end up here but I’m not as 100% on songs from 24kGoldn or Rod Wave’s albums landing. If the United Kingdom, currently collapsing under our feet, decides to make AJR’s new album chart, I say the Prime Minister gives permission for Scotland to leave while it’s still safe. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week.

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