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koizumicchi · 4 years

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~Special Songs For You~ Crosstalk: Yuujirou x Aizou

Animage January 2021 Issue Part IV English Translation

from this issue part i ; part ii ; part iii ; part v

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AIZOU AND YUUJIROU!!!! 愛してるよ ~

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Introduction: The film wherein the new songs of ASCANA and LIPxLIP are shown. An interview about their charming points! In addition, we also interviewed the two music producers of HoneyWorks!

Side phrase: Pay attention clearly, Julietta ♡

Haniwa-san’s challenge to us

Question: In the last month’s issue, the highlights of the movie were discussed; this time, we would like to hear the appeal of the two new songs. First, the opening theme song “LOVE&KISS”, what kind of song is it?

Aizou: It is a song that raises your excitement to the max! You can easily follow the tempo and once you listen to it, it makes you listen to it firmly. I think it is a cool song that is energetic!

Yuujirou: As Aizou had said, it is a song that is super cool. The flow (of the song) is very dramatic and I think you won’t lose interest even when you listen to it several times. When I first listened to the song, I felt very excited. The lyrics are also very good and I hope you’ll enjoy them as well as the chorus of this song.

Aizou: So we won’t lose to the song itself, we both sang in earnest! I hope you’ll listen to it lots!!

Q: Please tell us your favorite line(s) of the song.

Aizou: The lyrics are super good; it’s difficult to choose. I think mine is this part “Zettai yume wa zettai kimi no love&kiss, zettai muri wa zekkouchou de kowashichae”! It’s like raising your spirit, giving you some kind of power, and a feeling of “Let’s do this-!”

Yuujirou: In the first and last chorus, there is this line, “Yakitsuke sasete ageru yo”. I love this part.

Aizou: We’re singing that together.

Yuujirou: Yes, yes. We sang with all our heart and it would be wonderful if our song thoroughly reaches (the listeners). That way it will be burned in everyone’s hearts.

Aizou: The hard part was the line “Yuiitsu muni se ̄no de big bang”; I was moving along with the song that I unintentionally got off the mic (laughs). Basically, we record by facing the mic and singing on it. To sing along without the body distancing from the mic…that is the difficult part…

Yuujirou: That’s a very Aizou thing to do (laughs). For me, the “Kugidzuke ni shite yaru” ; I thought, I wanted to challenge myself on how impressive I could sing so I recorded it many times. This (part) is the beginning and will lead to the chorus, so I did my best to make it sound plausible.

Q: With what kind of emotion did you sing?

Yuujirou: LOVE&KISS is a song from Haniwa-san, not only directed to those who listen but also to us who are singing it. I think it is a message song for everyone and the kind of song that not only gives you enjoyment and encouragement but also a push on your back. The lyrics are also quite sharp. “Kamisama mo damarasero”, for instance, is immobilizing (laughs).

Aizou: When this song was handed to us, I thought it might be a challenge to us from Haniwa-san. At the time when our secret story formation was screened, I felt like we were being tested, “How much of the real you can you show thru singing?”. Yuujirou and I talked; and (as if I’m) enduring a head-to-head game, I sang with everything I had. Because otherwise, it wouldn’t be conveyed (properly).

Yuujirou: Of course, I sang all of the songs so far with complete earnestness, but in ‘LOVE&KISS’ and with thoughts of what we once were, I poured all I had. I’d be glad if you’ll listen to (the song) a lot.

Q: What kind of song is the ending theme “Kono Sekai no Tanoshimikatta”

Aizou: I felt seriously touched. I almost cried while singing (laughs). In the intro, I’m already “Ah- crap- this is gonna be bad-”. The strings part summed it all up so beautifully and somehow it felt like a wrap-up.

Yuujirou: You talk about the nuances too much (laughs). But I understand. Singing or listening to it, you’ll feel great either way.

Aizou: I know right!? Yuujirou started singing first. And huh, I was deeply moved. What an amazing gentle voice.

Yuujirou: Oh. Thank you. (laughs). But I felt really nervous. The breathing, the length of the note, the more particular you are about it, changes the song. I sang drawing out the heart of each and every note.

Q: Please tell us your favorite line(s) of this song as well.

Yuujirou: It is Aizou’s part but there is this line before the first chorus, “yokubatte ii amaete mo ii, waratta bun dake sekai wa tanoshimerun da yo”. This part certainly stuck.

Aizou: Eh, my line not yours? Why?

Yuujirou: These lyrics are words you wouldn’t normally say, right. Like, anything can be forgiven. And in addition, the way Aizou sang (this part) is exceptionally good. The “waratta bun dake” for instance. I wasn’t even aware what kind of expression he made when he sang this part.

Aizou: Yeah. I sang this song with the image of expressing both words and emotions in mind, so perhaps I was laughing.

Yuujirou: *I am glad you were smiling. Really.

Aizou: Oh. Thank you.

Yuujirou: And Aizou’s favorite line is

Aizou: Oh. Right. It’s difficult to choose from this song as well~ I think the “toki ni kizutsuke yume no tame ni, kesshite oreyashinai, ishi ga areba ii”. It makes my heart feel lighter when I think that the negative things and being hurt for the sake of my dream can be a positive too. I feel relieved knowing there is nothing wrong even when I’m hurt. It is frustrating when some things don’t go well when I’m doing my best; but hearing that it’ll be alright makes me happy.

Q: Delivering the best two songs to Julietta and there is also the LIVE part of the film. What kind of LIVE will it be?

Yuujirou: It’ll be the best anyhow, so please look forward to it. The stage set is wonderful and we’ve thought about the production a lot.

Aizou: The stage is really big. We can dance as much as we want. We are looking forward to it, too; we can’t keep still. And in addition, you can see us from various angles, and our ups (improvements) are shown. It is a LIVE that will take place in a movie theatre so we want you to enjoy watching it to your heart’s content!

Yuujirou: Anyway, I want to do the LIVE soon! I am confident you will absolutely enjoy it.

Q: You have released new songs not too long ago but do you have any hopes of “I want to sing this kind of song” someday?

Aizou: On the contrary, I want to ask Julietta what kind of song they want. I’d like to hear it, but personally, I want to try singing a guitar rock song with a powerful chord that would blow you away.

(t/n: aizou make sure this time you won’t hit yuujirou’s forehead ok)

Yuujirou: Aizou playing the guitar himself?

Aizou: Yes, yes (laughs)

Yuujirou: Nice. For me, I want to sing a seasonal song we haven’t sung yet. We haven’t sung a Christmas song yet. Haniwa-san, please make one someday. (laughs)

(t/n: haniwa pls consider lipxlip summer song as well i am on my knees)

Q: Could you give us your final message

Aizou: I am truly happy to be able to deliver the best two songs as the opening and ending theme of the movie! They’re really good songs so I hope you enjoy it along with the film! Have a nice Christmas, Julietta ♡

Yuujirou: We are always thinking of what would make Juliettas smile. I am immensely happy thinking of the many preparations we’ve made, that it has finally come to fruition, and we can enjoy it together. It would be great if it makes you happy, that’s all I could think of. Come and visit us a lot, okay Julietta ♡

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Notes:

*Yuujirou: I am glad you were smiling.

Literally, the line is, I am glad you had a huge feeling of smiling. I can’t seem to properly convert this statement into English with its full context. Basically the context is, Yuujirou is glad that Aizou, during the recording of “waratta bun dake”, feels so happy that the feeling of it comes out to a great extent and that huge amount of happiness paints his face.

(ha ha aizou forgets they have an ongoing interview the moment yuujirou says he’s happy that aizou’s happy *screams*)

T/N: Keep in mind that Japanese and English aren’t my first language so I apologize if there are some mistakes. As always, if you’re going to use/reference my translations, please do not claim it as your own and credit me.

#LIPxLIP #aizou #honeyworks #yuujirou #shibasaki aizou #someya yuujirou #LIPxLIP birthday 2021 countdown #it's already the 22nd on japan #so im posting it now :D #lipxlip translation

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dailyniallnews · 5 years

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‘I’d Like To Sit In The Pub With The Lads And Chat Sh*te Like Everyone Else’: STELLAR Meets Niall Horan

Yes, we got to interview our fave. No, we are not OK.

Niall Horan captured the hearts of the nation ten years ago when he took to the X Factor stage with a whole lot of highlights and a Mullingar accent. Since then, he’s basically only gone and taken over the world – without losing his beloved Irishness. We caught up with Niall ahead of the release of his second album, Heartbreak Weather, to chat about staying humble, paying off his parents’ mortgage, and nights out with Lewis Capaldi, of course.

What do you think you’d be doing if that X Factor audition didn’t work out?

“I probably would have done it again out of pure ignorance! I would have wrecked their heads until they let me in. But I don’t know, because I was at that 15-year-old stage where you don’t even know yourself fully. I knew that I wanted to be a singer, but I knew that it was also very hard to do. Was it going to be feasible at all? And I didn’t know if I didn’t have singing, what would I be doing.

I was having chats with the career guidance teachers but I wasn’t particularly academic. I was good at subjects but I wasn’t definitely going to be, you know, a lawyer! I would like to think that I had enough brains get myself into a college in Dublin. And then probably right now, I’d be getting a new job of some sort coming out of college. It’s crazy, isn’t it?!”

How do you keep your feet on the ground?

“People always say, ‘You never lose your accent’. You only lose your accent if you want to. You know, if you’re trying to pretend to be someone else and fit in another circumstance you lose your accent! Or people ask me ‘How are you always so down to earth?’ and all that. There’s an Irishness to it, you know? We’re a lot more down to earth.

You always hear people saying to me, ‘I love Ireland. Everyone’s so nice and so welcoming and hospitable and I love going there’. So maybe I’ve just brought that with me. When I was brought up we didn’t really have much money, we weren’t broke, but we didn’t have much money and neither of my parents were ever extravagant at all. I wouldn’t say I was tight, but I’m definitely not extravagant. I don’t really have luxuries like that. I’m not big into cars, I’m not like some property mogul!” What was your biggest cash splash?

“Well, I bought myself a house, I remember thinking that’s a big deal. That’s a big thing for everyone! I sorted my mother’s mortgage out, that was the first thing I did, and then my own house was the big one. I rent it out, if you know anyone who wants to rent!”

What’s it like to be recognised everywhere? “People still think I’m the fella with the blonde hair and I haven’t had blonde hair in about five years, so you’d be surprised, once you stick a hat on a keep your head down. But when I was home over Christmas I was like Kenny from South Park! I had the jacket on and a hood tight around my face, a hat on and still somehow [people still knew me], I think people know the way I walk or something.It wasn’t too bad this year actually. People will understand I don’t get home too often, and I’d like to sit in the pub with the lads and talk shite like everyone else. Sometimes you have the odd moment though, like I’ve seen parents bringing six-year-old kids on Christmas Eve into the pub with pyjamas on. But after a while, it died down a little bit. After ten years, I would have thought it was gonna die down at some point. I can’t believe it’s even ten years!”

You’re in good shape, do you have a set routine?

“I try, but Christmas was bad! Then I got sick after Christmas with a cold or whatever so I was struggling to get back into it. But yeah, I always try and go to the gym. I’m especially trying to get in proper shape because it can go south pretty quick, apparently. So I try to look after myself in that capacity, and then before the tour and completely give up the drink. And while I’m on tour, I’ll try and do that as well.”

Even with going on tour with Lewis?

“Our last show is in San Jose, which is in Northern California. And I said [to Lewis], ‘We’ll make it back to LA that night if we can, or have a drink on the tour bus and then we’ll have a few days to go and have it’, but he knows as well now with all the gigs he’s done, like, you can’t.You can’t be getting drunk and then be hungover the next day and think that you could get up on stage and do all that. I have to try and put on an hour and 45-minute show at the best of my ability every night. So you can’t, you just can’t. And I wouldn’t want to do it to people anyway, fuck that!”

#Niall Horan #article #08feb20 #no judgement promo

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screechingkingdomhottub · 4 years

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my thoughts on the starkid controversies

{TCB included} yo so i got some opinions that i’m gonna spread...now. So does starkid have some inherently problematic things in their musicals that whether intentionally or not promotes a stereotype? Yeah. Let’s unpack these a little, okay? So let’s start at the beginning with Little White Lie. I think Little White Lie did great, there’s an episode where they defend trans people and the transphobic person is the villain and as a young closeted trans dude watching that...it was totally awesome. Now, AVPM, i dunno mans. I love it, I’ve seen the series many a times and used to watch it to cheer me up at night, I think it critiques JKR’s stereotypes very well and goes full out of “well if dumbledore is gay...let’s make him flaming gay” which is awesome. I saw Devin posted a youtube video talking about how she feels she stole the Cho Chang role away from an Asian actress who is known for playing Lavender Brown called Sango Tajima. I, personally, never got that vibe but I don’t think that’s up to me, I wasn’t there, I’m white, she ended up getting more roles and I encourage y’all to watch Devin’s video on it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fubo7wfGcuo I’m gonna skip a few cause there’s a lot of musicals and I’m tired. I think a lot of people feel uncomfortable about Umbridge’s portrayal and the way the relationship with Dumbledore is done because it can correlate to the trans women are often seen and portrayed and watching it thinking about it like that...makes it a bit cringey. On a similar note, in Spies Are Forever, Susan is a crossdressing character that has transphobic undertones. Now, I’m not saying starkid are transphobic or racist or should be cancelled or whatever. And I believe a lot of this stuff they have redeemed and tried to progress forward a lot better and that’s awesome. I am a firm believer everyone should just be judged based on their intentions. If someone has good intentions but does a shite job and people point out they’re not fulfilling those good intentions then they can change and grow and it’s great. So I love Black Friday but I have a gripe. Can we talk about Gary Goldstein for a bit? Now, I find the character kinda funny, Jon is an amazing actor and his portrayal is awesome. But Gary Goldstein is a lawyer...a very greedy lawyer...with the last name Goldstein. So for those of you that are unaware, Goldstein is a Jewish last name...Jewish stereotypes commonly consist of being very greedy lawyers...you see the issue here? I’m not Jewish, being completely honest I’m still confused about what being Jewish actually means however for Black Friday to take such strong political stances and add to it a so easily avoidable tidbit, literally without the name no one would conflate it with being Jewish but damn. And Hatchetfield names matter so much from what I’ve seen, so there’s thought behind this which makes it worse? So onto Robert Manion, pitchforks ready? The first controversy I saw about him was to do with something called genderbent pictures. For those that don’t know, it’s when people take someone usually a character from something and switch them to the opposite sex. A lot of the trans community have an issue with this because it kinda eradicates nonbinary people a lot. Really focuses on the binary part, y’know? says “oh now they’re the gender they’re not actually” implying only 2...it’s kinda shitty. For me, personally, it’s dysphoria inducing. It highlights features everyone associates with only each gender and I start recognising all the features on the female version that i have on me and it’s not a fun time. I’m a big boi, i can deal. But many trans people replied to him when talking about this and expressed the dysphoria they were feeling, why promoting those was harming the trans community etc. He apologised but he only apologised for calling it gender bent and not digital drag which...is not what people were saying? I appreciate him making an effort on twitter to promote trans voices, idk much about american politics, so can’t say much on what he’s doing there but at least it’s something. What would be the most awesome thing for him to do is explain what the actual things the trans community told him and promote that to discourage those pictures or to encourage them to also include non binary people in some way cause artistic expression and stuff. More recent Robert Manion controversy is the body positivity pictures. I’m 100% for body positivity, always, anyone body shaming anybody (unless they’re a racist, rapist or general bigot) is a bAD BEAN. However, now this part is gonna get a little nsfw, so if you’re a minor please don’t keep reading, i aint trying to get arrested. i can’t figure out how to do the keep reading thing so consider this it. Minors leave. So, onlyfans is a website where you pay for porn basically like a total boomer simp but i digress. Some pages are softcore which is like just outlines of things...like people in their underwear. Robert posted pictures of him in his underwear and tagged it porn and onlyfans. Which if a grown man wants to do sex work I won’t stop him. That’s not the case here, the case here is he posted a picture in his underwear, where his ahem bulge is visible and sexualised it with the tags. There are minors that follow this man, that may have been scrolling through instagram in school and saw oh shit a dong. “But Joey Richter took off his pants in mamd!!!” yeah and that had a ton of warnings, you knew what you were gonna watch was for mature starkids only. “WHat about Lupin!!” couldn’t see the bulge. When I was 17, I went to see a play and a girl in it started stripping right down to her underwear, was just like seeing her in a bikini. The tags sexualised it but so did the bulge outline. He censored it on his story which kinda feels like he knew it was inappropriate. Something else that makes me very uncomfortable about this all is the Body Positivity argument. Now I have gender dysphoria, I have scars, I have stretch marks, acne, I’m so SO for body positivity. I rant so often about how fatphobia shouldn’t happen because weight doesn’t equal health. I’m not saying this is what he’s doing but that argument is used by actual groomers. Like y’know the fucks that groom children? i.e. onision (allegedly) where he’d say it’s just for body positivity and get children to send him pics of them in their underwear? You see why this is a dangerous argument here? I don’t think Robert’s intention was to do that but if you indirectly tell a bunch of teenagers posting pictures in their underwear is a good thing...I can’t be the only one making this link and the fact y’all defend this as “just shirtless pictures” is lowkey driving me wild. He apologised for the tags cause it was making fun of sex workers but please please please think of the risk. Please? Starkid mess up, they’re human, please stop acting like they do nothing wrong and please stop acting like they’re cancelled forever with no redemption okay bye PS please let me know any trigger warnings to add <3

#starkid #team starkid #robert manion #devin lytle #starkid controversies #please let me know any trigger warnings

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coepiteamare · 4 years

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2020 in fic

2020 was terrible year but an okay year of fic considering i didn’t really write till october.

STATS: fics: 1 fic; i wrote drabbles because i can’t write long fics. but i wrote 8 drabbles? female pov: 8 male pov: 1 (i thought i had more but nope, they’re all wips) both pov: 0 (i haven’t written anything long to justify both pov) total word count: (lol, i’ll update this later but i know it’s absolute shite) OVERALL: Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted? both! i started this blog in january, wrote two things, then forgot about it because life kind of took over. because i didn’t write for so long, i didn’t intend on coming back, but i realized that i had a couple wips for the dictionary of lovers that i never uploaded so i came back sometime in october? (i published one and then kind of tucked away the rest because i wasn’t sure what i quite wanted to do with tdol)

i started off this year intending to write and finish tdol (26 drabbles), but that didn’t end up happening, so less. but when i stopped, i also didn’t think i would ever come back to posting, yet here i am! and i’ve posted drabbles and have a bunch in the wip folders, so more! tl;dr: less than i thought but also more than i thought. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? i don’t write cross fandoms anymore (though that was my start in ff, my peak poetry days), but i never thought i would write 2nd pov/memberxreader because i started off writing memberxmember fics for bangtan, so i suppose that! Did you take any writing risks this year? most definitely. i never thought i would write 2nd person pov, but here i am. and i didn’t think i’d write memberxreader, but here i am! (a bundle of surprises i am) 2nd person pov is actually a lot harder for me to write, but i’m getting better at it.

pens and paperwork actually has a lot of dialogue and less purple prose: i think it’s the one piece i wrote that was less emotion based and more plot, which is very out of character for me. it’s also a little (a lot) different than what i normally write, so that was also a risk, but i enjoyed writing that one so much: it’s definitely one of my favourite pieces and i want to flesh out that universe a little more. Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year? write! longer! fics! i want to rewrite “the dictionary of lovers” and put it together into a long fic. i have a multiverse fic that i’ve been planning out, and i want to finish 9,719km and make it at least 10K: i want to practice fleshing out characters and worlds. my goal in general is just to write a long fic (9,719km, i’m looking at you). and also return to writing memberxmember fics too (i have a namgi fic in the works and there are def taekook ideas). get better at writing openings and closing and titling fics. god, i suck at titles.

also, i would very much like to publish most of my wips. so, future violet, here’s to hoping you do that. What were last year's goals? this is my first year, but last year, my goal was to just start a writing tumblr and write! and i’ve managed to do that! so yay 🎉 BEST AND WORST: My best story of this year: nine thousand, seven hundred nineteen kilometers. i love it to bits and pieces and i had it in my drafts for a while? because i wanted to publish it as a full fic but who knows when that will be, so i published it anyways. also this part was so much better than the other parts, so no regrets, i suppose. i think it is my favourite piece i’ve written, along with pens and paperwork, because it’s so different from what i’m used to writing? (both are also yoongi fics, funny enough) i definitely think it’s less purple prose (though 9,719km def has elements of that still; can’t get it out of my system) so hs me would not have approved, but i love it to smithereens. i try to not read any of my fics after posting them though because i’m incapable of letting it be: i have to perform autopsies on it, pick at the bad parts, cut open the good ones for flaws, until it’s virtually unrecognizable and ruined, so i can’t bring myself to reread it, but as of now, from what i remember, i think it’s my best story. My most popular story of this year: love is a losing game (we played anyways): i’m so flattered and in awe that people actually liked this story because it was so hard for me to write. it’s only 1k and it took me a good week before i could publish it because i kept tripping over the language. and i felt (still feel) like pre-dialogue and post-dialogue are two different stories, which was extremely frustrating for me. i think i can write dialogue (this story is a different beast, just because of the nature of the beginning) but it’s really hard for me to combine poetry/prose with dialogue. i feel like it throws it off but the only other way to write it would be in a short bit compilation (i’ll write fics like that again someday) and i didn’t feel like it would work for lialg. (funny story: it was actually a royalty!namjoon fic where he wants to give her the world but it turns out she was a spy and she essentially burns his kingdom to the ground) i’m honestly not too happy about how it turned out but i’m still glad people enjoyed it! Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: none! i really didn’t expect to have an audience, so people stopping and reading my fics? wild. Most fun story to write: pens and paperwork. that drabble was so much fun to write and i loved the characters. also gave me the least amount of headaches, probably because it kind of wrote itself once i started. i really do want to expand on that universe, just because i want to revisit it and explore 007′s background (maybe write about 005 and 006 as a spin off though whether i want to make it taexreader or taexjimin is to be determined) and yoongi’s journey in the MI6/NIS as well!

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: probably pens and paperwork? i’ve always known that yoongi was a dynamic and versatile person but that fic really did it for me. i can totally see him being this sarcastic, dry person, but also someone with a lot of love and care for others, like he does with 007 by bringing her alc when she’s in pain and generally trying to distract her as she’s getting stitches. someone who’s as loud as they are quiet. i definitely want to write more soft yoongi though.

Hardest story to write: i am your ocean (your little mermaid). hands down. i don’t know if tae is just really hard to write (for me) or if that fic was a monster of it’s own, but i spent two+ weeks working on it. it went through so many storyline revisions and changes and then even after i had a decent idea of the final plot, it took me another week to write fucking 1.4k. absolutely awful. do i like it? i don’t even know. but i don’t like hoarding fics, so it’s out there for the word to pick at, to dissect it’s anatomy, to taxidermy it. Biggest disappointment: the movietheaterworker!oc x marvelnerd!jk fic that i never published. i don’t know if it’s just bad or it’s just not what i wanted but i haven’t touched it since october (and idk if i want to look at it) so that says something.

in terms of something i published, probably “heart” from tdol. i re-read it recently and it just felt really bleh to me? i should have more attachment to it considering it’s my first drabble on this account but nope. some parts of it are cute but it’s so clunky. i don’t like it. Biggest surprise: pens and paperwork or monsters under the bed. pens and paperwork because of how much i loved it/how fast it wrote itself and how much i liked it afterwards, even though it’s written in a much different style than i normally write? monsters under the bed because it was written with no direction and honestly feels like a fever dream (though i did have a backstory to jk’s character and his relationship with oc), yet it still was well liked! i kind of posted it as the start to the “things you said” drabble collection and was like here goes nothing, but people seemed to really enjoy it!! which was very surprising. and my butterfly, noor, called me the bob ross of fanfiction (that still cracks me up) so! Most unintentionally telling story: hmmm...probably anything from tdol. i’ve been so fortunate to have such beautiful, healthy, intimate platonic relationships, but the one (two if we’re being generous, which we most def are if counting it) romantic relationship i’ve had was quite awful and extremely toxic. (ask me about it if you want to: i like to rant about it from time to time) so tdol is a creation of wishful thinking, of what i think a healthy relationship should look like, through the ups and downs, the highs and lows. because i don’t have experience with healthy romantic relationships, i def put a lot of my friendships and bits and pieces from those into tdol. and it’s not published yet, but there’s an unwritten piece from tdol where oc talks about how she doesn’t believe in love but jk very much is a hopeless romantic, and that’s me writing me into a fic so.

HIGHLIGHTS + WRAP-UP: Favorite opening lines:

(god, i suck at opening lines)

tdol “perfect” + coming back home to you would always be one of the highlights of my day. whenever the sun shined for a little too long, a storm would hit, but this--coming home to and closing the day with you--was one of the few things in life that was completely and utterly mine to have, out of the reaches of whatever was out there that made sure the road was never too smooth. [note: this isn’t THE opening line but we’ll ignore that]

9,719km + paris is much quieter than the places you’re used to, but it’s not a bad thing.

Favorite closing lines: (i struggle so much with these) i’ll be your ocean (your little mermaid) + the enfilade of rain continues and pelts against the windowpane, against your balcony floor.

monsters under the bed + but when he opens his eyes again, to the blaring 1:01AM of his clock, you’re no longer by his side.

9,719km + p.s. did you miss me? + maybe he’s just as potent as a habit, just as hard to kill.

Favorite lines in general: i’ll be your ocean (your little mermaid) + you let the words fall from your lips, dribble down your skin like water droplets, and dissipate in the ocean of your feelings. watch them dissolve into the seafoam of your being and sink down, down, down. + it feels a little like that now as you card your fingers through his sweaty locks, dyed red like ariel’s, bright red against the blue of both your feelings.

love is a losing game (we played anyways) + he looks at you like you hold the secrets of the universe, even as he tears through the valley of your breasts with the claws of his ambitions and devotion. + (the summary line: he builds cathedrals in your name, whispers prayers into your skin, and you shatter the stained glass windows of his dreams.)

9,719km + nothing has been able to keep him out: not the gallery treasury in newport beach with its earthquake proof alarm system, not the cartier vault in new york city with its impressive randomized laser grid, and certainly not the flimsy, fickle alarm system of your heartbeat.

LIST OF COMPLETED STORIES: [note: does tdol count? i’ll put it here anyways. also i suck at titles] the dictionary of lovers: heart the dictionary of lovers: confirmation the dictionary of lovers: perfect love is a losing game (we played anyways) monsters under the bed pens and paperwork i’ll be your ocean (your little mermaid) nine thousand, seven hundred nineteen kilometers you feel like a holiday

WIP TEASERS: welcome to wonderland (we’re all mad here) (aliceinwonderland!au) summary: queen of hearts!jk x alice!reader

excerpt: be careful in the woods, they whisper. so many girls have gotten lost and made it out with just their bodies intact, bones rattling hollow and mind astray. the girls mumble about tea parties with madness, about croquet games with the heads of the executed, before they are wheeled off to hospitals, still talking to the wall.

be careful in the woods, they warn. it preys on your fear and feeds on your sanity, if you linger too long.

i know you (i’ve walked with you once upon a dream) (dreamwalkers!au) summary: oc works for the department of dreams: bureau of night terrors as a dreamwalker. jungkook has chronic nightmares.

excerpt: They tell lucid dreamers to look down at their hands, notice the garbled image to recognize they’re in a dream. Your brain backtracks to what it last remembers. A click of the seatbelt, Jimin’s soft “sleep tight,” the cool air inside the tank. Darkness. You grip the wand a little tighter.

Dreamscapes are weird, you think as you conjure up an ironwood table and a cup of earl grey. The fabric of reality is so thin, so permeable and malleable with the right amount of knowledge. If you think really hard, slip a hand through that curtain, you can still feel the cold air lingering on your skin from the tank. You look down at your watch. 8:44. Eight hours and fourty four minutes left to wander through other people’s nightmares.

if the world was ending (you’d come over, right?) (au where the world slowly comes to a halt and you find yourself calling your ex. inspired by “if the world was ending” by jp saxe and julia michaels) summary: ex!tae x female!reader

excerpt: The world starts to freeze over when you’re on the bus ride home.

Pedestrians pause in the middle of the sidewalk; cars decelerate in the middle of accelerations. The chatter in the bus groans to a stop, like a radio after the plug has been pulled, as everyone slowly freezes. Your hair, which once fluttered in the breeze, gently falls back into place.

The traffic light is red.

You pull your earbuds out. It’s quiet. Too quiet.

“Hello?” you whisper, shaking the arm of your neighbor. No response. The silence is loud, almost deafening.

“Hello?” you walk down the aisle to where your driver sits. His face is still. Annoyance clouds his eyes, chest puffed like he was about to take a deep breath. One he’ll never take again.

You shuffle your feet back and trip on the stairs, back slamming against plexi glass and metal.

The light never turns green.

untitled (mermaid!au)

excerpt: Jungkook loves the sea, but he thinks he might like you a little bit more. You, with the sea breeze in your hair and summer storm in your eyes. There’s something about the way you sparkle like the ocean top, sun skimming across skin, that makes him think you might be more than human, a trick of light, an optical illusion.

untitled (desert princess x pirate!jk au) summary: i love you the way ocean clings to shore, the way the horizon wants the sea, but, darling, we were never meant to be

excerpt: you’re pretty sure the ocean is enchanted, bright blue waters glimmering with magic. nothing else could explain how jeon jungkook, notorious pirate and thief, owns eyes that twinkle like the night sky and a face that puts the sunset to shame, unless he managed to somehow steal those too. you wouldn’t put it past him. + they name hurricanes after girls, he tells you. a prayer for gentleness, a hope for small casualties. huh, you reply, whoever came up with that idea must never have been caught in the storm of a girl.

IN CONCLUSION:

wow, could i be any more conspicuous about which drabble i like the most? why do i use so many parenthesis? also, i suck at titles and opening and closing lines. but hey, i’m trying, and sometimes that’s all i can ask from myself. i wrote a lot less than i thought but also more than i thought, so cheers to that. maybe next year will be better, maybe it’ll be worse. who knows? hopefully it’ll read easier though. p.s. if you’ve read this and if you’ve read anything i’ve written, thank you for reading. thank you for sticking through the calamity of my thoughts, through the hurricane of my mind. you have no idea how much it means. i hope i’m able to make your day a little better, a little brighter, a little light in this time of darkness. p.p.s. i’ve made a few friends on tumblr. i won’t tag them because i don’t want to put them through this awful clusterfuck of words, but if any of you read this, hi. you’ve really shaped my tumblr experience and i’m so glad to have met you all. noor (papillionsgf): my butterfly, i adore you. you were my first tumblr friend and you’ve been nothing but sweet to me. thank you for talking to me and thank you for our lovely conversations, for letting me squeal about tfua, for i absolutely adore you. hana (cutechims): the two of us are awkward potatoes, and i still need to rewatch batman begins, but thank you for always being so sweet, so kind. i love talking with you and reading everything you write. you make me smile when i see you on my dash, with every response you send. jlin (bratkook): i slid into your tumblr dms because you’re so talented and so awfully pretty. i absolutely enjoy our conversations about rich folxs and karens, and i really hope the pandemic comes to an end because i would love to meet you in person and teach you aerial! (also i will bake you lots of cookies) erin (yeojaa): hi lovely. i adore you to the moon and back and to be honest, you still intimidate me because i love your writing so much, but i wanted to say how much i adore you and how i love talking to you. i hope you’re taking care of yourself and staying warm and i hope to get to know you better in 2021!

notes: adapted from lj, where i started writing! i used to see this a bit on lj (or maybe it was the circle of writers i followed) but i figured i’d bring it over here because it’s a good reflection piece and tumblr feels like a good place for that.

#violet thoughts on the horizon #violet sunsets: a year in review

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theselkiesea · 4 years

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June 2020 Reading Wrap-Up

Sorry this is a few days late. I had started typing it up at the end of June and then my internet crashed and I lost everything and it took me days to find the strength to type it all out again!

Favourite book: Tender is the Flesh by Agustina Bazterrica Worst book: Erratic and Unnecessary by Erelah Emerson Most disappointing: The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

Poetry - 2 Novel - 5 Non Fiction - 3 Graphic Novels - 1 Ratings: 5 stars - two, 4 stars - three, 3 stars - five, 2 stars - zero and 1 stars - one

June I feel was a good mixture of genre’s and it felt great to leave May behind and start fresh. It was nice to dive back into some historical fiction and non-fiction, rereading a favourite book and a classic I had read back when I was in school. I was on the hunt for finding books that would make me feel uncomfortable and I loved it!

But from my reads in June, I’d like to talk about Tender is the Flesh by Agustina Bazterrica, The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller, The Diary of a Bookseller by Shaun Bythell, Fatal Throne: The Wives of Henry VIII Tell All by Candace Fleming and Heidi by Johanna Spyri.

Tender is the Flesh

I picked this up because of a book pal on instagram. I loved the title and the cover and it was about cannibalism. Yah girl is fascinated with cannibalism. It’s a translated novel and it reads exceptionally well and I’ve got no idea how to talk about this book without spoiling anything.

What I can tell you is that this made me really uncomfortable and I fucking loved it! It’s so straight forward about everything and it’s weird. I wouldn’t say its very gory but when the acts of how the meat is treated were described it made my skin crawl. The ending made this five stars for me and I want everyone to experience this book!

The Song of Achilles

I read this for my little book group with my two friends and I will be honest I was so not in the mood for it but I couldn’t skip another book pick. They both gave it five stars and this bitch only gave it three.

There is nothing wrong with this book at all, it’s story is wonderful, the writing is great but if it weren’t for the audiobook I would have dnf’ed it. I can’t really figure out why I didn’t love it. Maybe I’m not into Greek re-tellings? It’s such a well loved book so I would recommend it to folk who are looking to read gay fiction.

The Diary of a Bookseller

How many times am I going to talk about this book? All the time. I will never stop! I picked up my paperback edition as I needed to lift my spirits up, plus it was about time I highlighted all my favourite lines, the parts that make me smile etc

This book just makes me feel good. I know that it has flaws, people don’t like how sarcastic it is, sometimes it can be repetitive but y’all I don’t care. This book just holds a lot of memories for me. Memories of my brief time in Wigtown when I was a little girl and the memories of when I first came across this book in Fort William. So yeah, it’s still five stars and still one of my favourite books of all time.

Fatal Throne: The Wives of Henry VIII Tell All

I picked this up because Stephanie Hemphill wrote for Anne Boleyn and I loved her Joan of Arc book.

This was an excellent book. It made me mad, upset, occasionally wanted to throw it across the room. Each wife have their own voices, the writing styles are different for everyone and it doesn’t feel like one person talking.

Like I hate Henry so much. And I love all the ladies, despite all the shite some of them did and what they put each other through. I find this one also hard to put into words as it made me feel so much.

I would highly recommend this and it gave me the thirst to read more historical retellings.

Heidi

Through a booktuber I discovered gorgeous editions of children’s classic that I just had to get. One of them was Heidi. I read Heidi years ago when I was in high school and I decided to read it again to see if it holds up.

I found this completely charming, lovely and it made me smile. I enjoyed it a lot, was nice reading something light after a series of adult books. At the end of this edition it told you about the author, there were character summaries and notes about where Heidi is set. I think it would be a wonderful book to read to your young children.

#book wrap up #book stuff #june wrap up #june book wrap up #tender is the flesh #the diary of a book seller

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hannah-writes · 5 years

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RNM Creators Appreciation Week

So I’ve not been in the right headspace to flail and rec as much as I wanted to, but today, on Cheerleader Appreciation Day, I can’t let this one pass me by. Without cheerleaders, I don’t think I’ve have posted much past my first couple of fics, and I certainly wouldn’t have finished some of the fics I found hard to write, and Not in this World would be nothing but a pipe-dream.

I don’t think those people who spend time cheerleading realise just how important they are. It’s not always telling you that you’re great (which does happen), but it’s helping bounce plot ideas off, boost you when you want to give up, to scream in excitement and help tell people that you’ve posted fic when you’re too shy to do anything more than post it and stick the link on Tumblr.

I’m so grateful for those people I have in my life right now that are fearlessly cheerleading me through everything that I want to do, especially when it comes to fic. They’re kind when I’m having trouble wording, they help unjumble the shite I write sometimes that’s full of spelling mistakes and half-finished thoughts. They bump up my confidence and tell me I’m awesome when I feel anything but. They make me feel less like I’m throwing my stuff into the void.

There are a few I really want to say a special thank you to:

@mandsangelfox: y’all know that she’s my wife, but she’s also a massive cheerleader behind the scenes. She deals with me texting her randomly, or telling her to pause what she’s watching so I can read a section to her to see if it sounds okay. She puts up with me throwing ideas at her until something sticks (and it was her idea to build out my current sci-fi horror Roswell project into something that resembles a choose your own adventure, and when I’m done you’ll all be amazed). She’s an unwavering pillar of patient support, and deals with my nonsense with aplomb.

@insidious-intent: What can I say about you? You’re always so kind and enthusiastic and impromptu beta-services help de-jumblify and sensify my fever-written crap and helps shape it into something better, and also removes some of the Britishisms that sneak in despite my best efforts! You’re a delight to talk to, and genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. Talking with you is genuinely a highlight of my day, and having you as a sounding board has helped up the angst factor of my stories, past and present (Darkest Before Dawn, I’m looking at you!). Your unwavering support and reassurance is so helpful, and I’m honoured that you let me do the same for you. Even being a small part of your creative process, I’m honoured to be included. You’ve got such a big heart, and I love that you’ve got such a loud voice when I post. I’m 100% sure that most of the people who read Not in this World ended up reading it because you yelled so loudly about it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. And I am so grateful to have met you.

@beamirang My fellow angst queen! Man, I don’t even have words to describe how much I adore you. Not only your writing - and how you let me cheerlead for you even when all it is is incoherent screaming, emojis and gifs - but who you are as a person. I’ve never told the time in a regular way, but my time is now split into MJ leaving for work, @insidious-intent saying good morning and then 4:30am LA time when you wake up and say hello. I’ve told you this before, but I’m going to say it again, I have learned so much about how to craft stories from reading your work and from talking to you. Your enthusiasm and excitement for the things that I write constantly baffles me as you’re amazing and I’m bowled over every time you tell me that you like what I write/you’re excited. You’ve been such a boost for my confidence in sharing random snippets, you’ve inspired some of my personal favourite fics that I’ve written (including not so starcrossed, as Baxu was 100% your fault and I adore you for it) and being able to scream at you when the muse isn’t working helps immensely. I’m so glad to have messaged you out of the blue a while back, it feels like we’ve been talking forever and that’s something that I treasure. I can’t wait for our DA Fusion to be ready to share so we can cement our places as rulers of Angst.

@lire-casander & @ubiestcaelum - you ladies were the first two people I started talking to in the fandom properly and I’m so very glad I did! Getting to know you both, being able to be part of your creative process and see your wonderous works unfold and being the recipient of your feedback and comments as I post random bits of crap into our chats has helped me refine things that don’t work. You are both so ridiculously kind and talented and I’d not have posted my earlier works without you two in my corner, gently encouraging me on.

@saadiestuff SADIE. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY THAN YOU ARE GOOD PEPPE. The creator of 🐸 [frog emoji, if it doesn’t work]. It’s delightful that we have entire conversations that, to anyone else, might seem like code because we’ve got so many ridiculous jokes between ourselves. And I love that sometimes we don’t even say hello to each other, we just go 🐸🐸🐸 [frog frog frog] because of something we’ve seen each other post or mention on tumblr, or in a discord server. I adore you, girl. So very much. I’m glad we started talking.

@el-gilliath I’m SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU. Though we don’t talk as much as I want us to, the fact that we have so much in common and spend a large chunk of time screaming at each other about what we’re writing really brightens my day. Knowing that you’re on the other end of a message if I’m struggling and you’re ready to listen is such a boon. Knowing that you don’t care if I’m typoing all over the place and am generally a mess makes me feel so safe when we talk, that I don’t have to second guess everything. And knowing that, no matter what it is, you’ll read it and give me an opinion means I genuinely feel that it’s okay to just swing in and ask you for help whenever. And you know the feeling is mutual. I adore you, dude.

There are so many others, too, and I couldn’t possibly list them all though I want to, but the Junkyard folk, @jumbled-nonsense, @nielrian, @soberqueerinthewild... all of you guys who yelled at me during Not in this World and encouraged me to keep writing when all I wanted to do was pack it in. You’re SO VALUED. I’m sure there are people I’ve forgotten, and if I have, please don’t think that doesn’t mean I don’t value you, because I do. So much. Omg.

And, as a quick special mention, to those of you who are kind enough to let me cheerlead for you? It is my honour and privilege to scream at you in excitement for things. I love helping people create, I love encouraging people to keep going and do something they love and I am thankful that you let me do that for you.

Finally, finally! I can’t leave out @queersirius. Though I’ve never spoken to you, you have taken on a mammoth task with your rec list. I’ve been on there a few times and each time I’m flabbergasted by the nice things you have to say about what I’ve written. But it’s not only me, you’re a gift to the fandom, a one-stop shop for recs that has proven to be such a good way to discover new fic. I’m always excited to see what new fics you rec, I’d discovered a few new favourites as a direct result of your list. The fact that you take the time to write such detailed, thoughtful commentary and tailor a gif for each fic is mindblowing. Thank you! <3

#rnmcreate19 #roswell new mexico creator week 2019 #good vibes #rnm #fandom is a great place to make friends when it works #these people are incredible #I value them all and am overwhelmed with feels when I think about it #i love you guys

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thestudyfeels · 6 years

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How To NOT Be Depressed.

(Or If You Prefer — How to Be Substantially Happy About Life.)

WARNING: This is one rollercoaster ride of a post. Proceed with extreme caution. For some, the staggering levels of insight may induce true purpose and re-establish their warrior spirit. For others, side effects may include grammatically incorrect hate or aloof eyerolls. We advise exiting if the said group includes you, for we're very tired of cleaning vomit off the seats.

Step aboard at your own risk.

If you’re one of the brave souls who stayed back to join us, I congratulate you for even I am scared of how crazy this post truly is. Alrighty then, kick back and relax folks, today we’re having a mature, adult conversation. Merely another cheery afternoon spent talking about life and its realities. Not too bad, eh?

Before we begin, spoiler alert! For those of you already turned off by the mention of 'depression’ and packing their bunnies to leave, sit tight. This ISN'T really about depression. This is about HAPPINESS. No clickbait. That got your attention, right butterfly? Nice, now stay.

A welcoming, maybe demanding A/N: Do me a favor and read this in one go. Maybe even plug in those headphones and listen to the songs dedicated to each part as you read. It's long, you have the new Riverdale episode to catch up on, but don't hop away just yet because (I had a couple moments writing this, alright) it's life changing. You'll prolly cry a few tears of realization, nod all nod-able body parts in agreement, beat your chest at random instants 'cause the hype’s too real, and perhaps, if it isn’t too much to hope for, finally go change your life for the better. In case you've forgotten, this'll remind you that there’s always hope, that you're a born conqueror, and you were made to THRIVE, not survive. Convinced? Kay, roll the cams.

To clarify first-hand, no, I'm not depressed although I’ve experienced mild depression for a period before. Glad to say I'm out of it but I still struggle with tackling what I'm about to detail next.

Insert bitter voice, it’s this: My life is nowhere near I want it to be. Though I know vaguely what I wanna do, I haven't yet figured out how the hell I’m supposed to get there, or how my dream life is to be sketched out. It’s all a blurry mess. Which, to put it bluntly, hurts. I HATE feeling powerless and worthless, roaming about aimlessly.

There are many such moments where I hit the brakes to wonder why I’m not living THE Life already. There have been several times when I curl up and cry a frickin’ Amazon. There are horrible nights where I'm shaking with emotions, but they won't release, leaving me choked. (…not in that way, you hoes. Um, just ruined the dramatic mood with a lame dirty joke, sorry.)

They say talking helps and that's why I figured I'd drop in. But perhaps more importantly, I wanted to hang because no matter how unfocused the lens may seem at my future, I don't consider myself a dopey loser incapable of the crazy dreams or wild bucket lists I fantasize about– and I thought I'd skip along to remind you that neither should you. (Or maybe I just came to sniff the new appetizers, who knows?)

PS: I also broke a sweat listing six ways to get outta depression– alternatively, to be more of a conqueror– because y'all are always pestering me with asks that go “how do I conquer omg send supplies” (Like, imagine a conqueror saying that! Oh, the crime, the atrocity!)

So yes, you're welcome. Have a feast with this litness.

The main reason behind people being so frightfully sad, I’ve found, is a huge lack of fulfillment. We don't do what we love, for either— [ 1 ] we aren’t living life the way we want to (since we keep doing things we feel we're supposed to do) OR [ 2 ] because Mama, Papa and Mrs. Carter next door feel that struggling is the only way, and project their traditional beliefs onto us. Either way, whether or not we consciously realize this, subconsciously, we're all hurting because of it. Badly.

That lingering feeling of emptiness never seems to leave. You feel drained every night when you drop into bed, not because you gave it your all, but because you couldn't. And so, we do the next best thing. Drugs. Maybe not literally, but figuratively. We numb out this subconscious pain by binge watching Netflix shows. We deaden ourselves to that discomfort by reading smut in the bathroom or by playing dumb video games all day. We try (and fail) to extinguish this feeling of not ‘being enough’ by having silly flings or fake friendships.

And ultimately, we NUMB ourselves out to LIFE for we can't bear to live the way we're living. There's a reason why “How to Stop Procrastinating” posts are so popular (they’re a blogger’s most foolproof way of paying the month’s rent, and yes, even I'm guilty of a couple). We’re constantly having FOMO and tuning into others' highlights on social media– completely missing out on our own lives in the process. We fail to realize that the culprit is lack of genuine purpose more than zero self-control (or maybe it’s both, but that’s a tale for another day).

[On a side note, obviously I did generalize a bit– video games can be a passion for you, watching shows a way of winding down. But for most, they’re only DISTRACTIONS, just another way of ignoring the calls of life by hanging up the phone.]

And here's the bitter truth about depression: The longer you wait to start living authentically, the more you start tuning out the inner cries wanting change, the faster your dreams start to ebb away, and the more you'll want to become insignificant. And to me, that's the scariest part of this journey to my dream life.

Nothing frightens me more than knowing that the moment I stop pushing, the very moment I give in to distractions and fears, my goals will stop manifesting themselves and I'll be stuck in this small town with its small people eternally. And THAT, I'm certain, won't be any more fun than working your way through a soggy ham sandwich, ironic as soggy is what life has become. (Yes, I have a thing against soggy sandwiches. They were a kid's worst lunch nightmare.)

If you relate, and I’m sure you do (it’s probably why you stopped scrolling through cheesy fanfic for ten minutes to read this, I know you amigo) — here are six ways to NOT be depressed. Or more accurately, to gift wrap yourself some sweet ol’ happiness.

You're a Samurai and the Following Be Your Katanas —

Hol’ up. The second you reach the End Card, I want you to drop your Cheerios and implement at least THREE of these six strategies. Just follow the Takeaways, I've made this really simple. And as a rule, one of them has to be this one. (Look, don't whine. If you wanna climb outta that dark hole, you gotta put in some effort. So pop that booty, and let’s get down to business!)

Here’s the most truthful, though cheesy thing I’ll ever say: I would be nowhere I am today without this blog. If not for it, I would most likely be weeping in a dug-out hole somewhere, drowning in my salty little pond of tears and chiming every loser’s favorite words (“there's no point”). Creating this blog gave me a definite purpose – putting out fiery content, dipping myself deep into my newly found passion for writing and influencing, and connecting with other conquerors on the platform.

I meet a lot of folks, whether at Sad School, Mouldy Mall, or Boring Bus stop, who always seem to be in a state of death-inducing boredom. When asked about their favorite thing to do, they’ll mumble “sleep” or “food” like Siri narrating your cat’s evening routine. And then you see adults, dragging through life mindlessly. Utterly clueless, floating like a piece of driftwood in an ocean bubbling with life. My sympathy quota gets overdosed everytime I think about it.

To spell it out, find something to do. Anything! Learn a language, try some ballet, take pictures of your neighbor's rose garden, make an art piece and show it to your mom, stitch buttons onto shirts for fun, heck, make an entire shirt out of buttons, take a break from reading smut to write your own, frutify your farts, WHATEVER, just get up and move.

And here’s why – nay, not to keep you engaged or make you feel less worthless, not that bullcrap. It’s to put in gear the journey of figuring out what is the shite that you love doing. Too often we get stuck thinking about what our oh-so-great passion is. Get this, passion is energy. A spark for something. A magical fortune cookie which, when cracked, seems to explain everything, gives you the very reason for being alive. You can only feel that fire, that wild love, when you actually do it. So get cracking is all I’ll say!

Takeaway:

Attempt something. Nah, scratch that, imagine you’re in a sweet shop with shelves lined with free samples and try everything. Pick up that Polaroid cam, take that dreaded history course, buy that children’s cooking kit– in short, start working. Pull out all the stops, get curious, and get creative. In the process, if you promise to try hard enough, you WILL (money back guarantee) find out what makes your little heart burst with mad happiness and would willingly do for free, if needed, because you really are that crazy about it. And that, my dear, will be your oh-so-great-indeed passion. Have no doubt, you’ll never be “bored” again.

Real talk, having a dream is a big deal. And unfortunately, I’ve witnessed, rarely anyone has one to begin with. They’re either more dead than the cheap skeleton I bought for Halloween or believe they have a dream, but in reality, it belongs to mom, dad, or Uncle Sammy. Listen, doing something for someone you love (my Uncle Sammy used to supply me with cold cash whenever he came around, loved that guy) is great! YET, if you’re willing to throw away your life to fulfill others’ expectations, convincing yourself it's because they love you, even when YOUR lonely heart craves bigger things than just a marketing job, then you, my friend? Are the biggest fool. Don’t get offended, we both know it, this girl needn't ramble.

Recently, my relatives were over (nope, sadly not Uncle Sammy) and my cousin and I had a chat about life (correct, I grab every opportunity to do so). It wasn't very exciting I must say, he kept staring off into the distance (I wonder why), but what he SAID is what I'll talk about. After I’d gushed about my dreams, he asked skeptically if being an influencer would still be an ambition two years from now when I graduate. I raised my eyebrows, mock hurt, like eff you son, I ain’t giving up on my dreams! But that question got me thinking.

Life is wild. Unpredictable. An unexpected call, a single person, a random BLOG POST (cough) – can turn your life upside down, sometimes in the affirmative, other times not. This variability of life isn’t uncommon, and everyone experiences some part of it– unpaid student loans, failing startups, talent and art going unnoticed in industries dominated by wealth and connections, you name it. If all of that doesn’t make you run for the Himalayas and abandon any dreams, throw in a quick side dish of dysfunctionale famiglia with a sprinkle of self-image issues.

It ain’t easy, darling. The world is one cruel headmistress; it loves slapping awake the daydreamers and wishful thinkers. That hasn't ever actually stopped the dropouts and class clowns from building castles in the air though. And the common blueprint you notice they follow? Let me introduce you to… Madness. Obsession. Maniacal obsession, to say. (Yes, I'm done playing with my words.)

I struggled writing this point. A pestering voice in my head kept mumbling – They'll go back to doing the same sad shit anyway. Um, does anyone even read your posts? Lol, call yourself an influencer, hun. Hesitation started creeping in. Then the irony of the situation struck me. I laughed, shook my head and got back to typing.

We ran out of juicy gossip weeks ago, so here’s your tea served cold: insecurities and self doubt WILL get in the way. That whiny voice was just a mild version of what you face when you go all in. Fear traps you in its cage, and those who prattled behind your back now progress to talking shit in your face. Criticism and self doubt resurfaces, so unless your defenses are strong, you'll be crushed. Destroyed REAL quick.

When hell breaks loose (oh honey, and it WILL), your self defense comprising of maniacal obsession must be well learnt. Let them attack, mock, heck, drag you away from the desk and hurl you at the top of a damn mountain, but you better STILL hike back down, show them the middle finger, and continue working. That's how bulletproof you've gotta be. That's how madly do you have to love your dreams. And if you really think this will be a cake walk or want to continue complaining about Stuart being born with a silver spoon, hop off the train already. Your destination isn't on the tour list.

Look, my dreams terrify me. But they certainly make me feel more alive than complying with what every parent said about getting good grades and holding together a roof on my head. My ambitions set me free, give me a reason to fucking live. And yet, every now and then, something makes me question them. A fear engulfs me, some doubter proclaims I suck, someone I love is so blinded they can't see my vision. And that's okay. My defenses are way stronger. The next day rolls round, and you'll find me hustling again, thriving again. All because I know that even if no one reads my posts (the worst case scenario, I know y'all love me lol), someday in the future, someone will. I know that even if I’m not an influencer yet, if just one reader becomes a conqueror because of my words, it would be a win. A big win. I'd have done my job. All because I’m wildly, yes maniacally, obsessed with my dreams.

So hey, cousin? This influencer thing? This will be my dream long after I've graduated. Till the day I die, and maybe even then I'll rise from my grave to give a dead pal a lively pep talk. My watchtower has just been upgraded, so thank u, next.

Takeaway:

“General, we've arrived!” Finally! Position those cannons, Martha, let’s talk them through the defenses. All aboard? AHOY MATEY! (wait, that was one for the pirates). Step one, dare to create a dream in your mind’s eye. The bigger, the crazier, and the scarier, the better. Doesn’t matter how impossible it is, don’t care how many voice their opinion against it, just imagine, keep a million possibilities in mind.

Once you see the life you truly want (you’ll know, everything will seem to zing)— have a sip. Become OBSESSED for that life. Thirst after that vision, itch to manifest it, and pine for the satisfaction that’ll come to your soul once it’s made a reality. Fall madly in love with the process and how magical it feel when you do it. And THEN, bellow a loud war cry and charge headfirst into battle, shields held high at all the criticisms. We conquerors never cared much for them anyway.

(play ♬) Picture this: forehead stamped with beads of sweat. Calloused hands working their fingers to the bone and eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration. Conjure an image where powerful beats are pulsing hard in your ears, synced with your own elevated heartbeats, and you’re thriving. Performing. Winning. Guess the secret to that? Preparation. Champions prepare. You can’t throw anything to the winds or rely on ‘luck’ or chance to conquer.

Tough days are in everyone’s calendar, be it your extra cheerful neighbor, Sally, or lone wolf classmate, Derrick. We’ve all found ourselves sulking over an awful situation, scooping into mint ice cream to forget mistakes, errands, and ghosting exes. Yet guess what? The solution isn’t the proclaimed “be positive!” or “It all happens for a reason, don’t you worry” - the key is coming up with a method to dodge the discouraging effect these hiccups have on us.

So every bad day, I bring out a mason jar containing a knot of chits and one secret letter which is, on most days, kept hidden on the top shelf of my cupboard. I make myself comfortable on the bed, read all my bits of paper carefully, including the letter addressed to yours truly, close my eyes, and mentally fight back whatever’s bringing me down.

A short while later, I get up, now a warrior, and go slay the rest of the day like it was my last one on this planet. That jar is my jar. A Conqueror’s jar. One look at those powerful reminders, and I’m grounded once again, the beast within me now unleashed to kill.

Takeaway:

Honey, go get yourself a jar. Along with some papyrus and ink. Then start jotting down. Document past victories, future visions, fears that mean zilch to the person you’re about to become, batty goals you’ve still gotta chase, reminders that the majority will never understand what it is you’re tryna do here, and how that’s perfectly alright 'cause you'll find your conquerors, your squad one day. Create your victory jar. And then go knock ‘em down dead. Bad days stand no chance against you. You’re a winner, a fucking rebel. Go take what’s yours.

Y’know, I’m perfectly aware that many muggles reading this will whine that dealing with depression ain’t no piece o’ pie and it’s hella hard to get up and take the crown when you feel like a pile of dino dung.

Stop it. Get some help. (See what I did? Like Michael- ok ok, calm thyself.) For real though, and I’m tired of repeating this with my kitten stamped microphone (but I’ll keep at it ‘cause it’s that significant) – whining is WORTHLESS. It saps up precious energy that could be used to make life a scrumptious smoothie. (Loothie? As in life + smoothie? Right, yes, I’m shutting up.)

And even THEN, we find denizens complaining about slow WiFis and thin crust pizzas and how the market’s down and the government’s incompetent. Because blabbering makes us feel important. Heard. But keeping yo’ trap shut and actually doing stuff? Hustling for your dreams when nobody’s watching? Actually walking the talk? C’mon, Emma, don't be naive, ain’t nobody getting recognition for that.

Trust me, I get it. The world is yet to become a feminist, turns out your boyfriend was cheating on you while you were looking up wedding dresses, mommy’s a drunk loser, and idiots are being voted into office. It’s a lot to handle. But thanks to our immense and ever increasing population (we folks really love our rumpy pumpy, can you tell) — there will surely be one chum, facing exactly the same misfortunes as you, but still turning up at every party and bulk-spamming his friends with puppy pictures while you sit and wail. (One Moaning Myrtle is enough, thank you very much.)

Look, I’m not undermining your worries or obstacles. I’m only reminding that you have the marvelous choice of positivity. To CHOOSE hope and a better future when others won't. To FIND (and it's always possible) something to look forward to even when the to-do’s a big snore. To KNOW, deep inside, that you're a magnificent conqueror, no matter what mess you’re in at the moment, and that the world dances to your rhythm. Realise that it's up to you to let yourself be happy. At any moment, you have the very say-so to get up and start rocking. Dumbledore said it himself, “It is our choices, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” So choose better, and you’ll unconsciously do better as well. And yes, that being said, this is the last HP reference, don't fret. Be positive instead. (Edit: Ha, look at these quips, the girl's all grown up now.)

Takeaway:

Your new occupation is to be a sunflower. If you think back, you'll probably recall Miss Honey rattling on about phototropic movement in AP biology. No? Me neither. Point is, sunflowers always face the sun. Put them ANYWHERE, hide them in the dungeons, throw them in a trash bag and shoot it off to the moon, they’ll still turn around and face the sun. No matter what. And taking inspo from that, you too can stop scripting creative soliloquies for being depressed. Happiness is YOUR right, YOUR priority, don't let anyone take it away from you or diminish its importance. DON’T let sadness ruin your vibe, do what you've gotta do to protect yourself. Track happiness in yo’ journal, set 84 reminders on your phone, and tattoo “Long as you’re beaming up at the sun, all the shadows will be left behind” on your boobs. Do whatever, just don’t turn the corners of your mouth down. You’re so pretty this way.

The other day, I was doing the deathly Plié Alternative Heel Lifts (these names, I swear) and my legs felt dead. Gone. Put to sleep like the Wicked Witch of the East. Now obviously, the timer wasn’t not even halfway done yet, but my cheeks were already flushing red like dear Santa, and NOT because I was high on choco chip cookies. I sighed, and at that point, I was so over giving up. All this while, I’d been whining and protesting because my muscles felt sore, but in that moment, I made up my mind. I bit my lip and kept going. On and on. Keep pulsing, you got it, don't stop, was the mantra I kept chanting.

Won’t sugarcoat it, I honestly hadn’t died this much since that time Miss Honey buried me alive with trig assignments. My legs were now basically Play-doh and I was shaking, fighting for balance. A few seconds in though, something crazy happened. My legs went numb. My grumbling mind quietened and the pain vanished. That evening, I had the upper hand, not my physical perceptions of myself. I was powerful. Flawless. (Hey Santa, do you even lift bro?) Real talk, I was in the Zone, bitches.

I’m not sure if that was the result of excessive pain or because Wonder Woman’s spirit possessed ma bod, but staying loyal to my love for metaphors, I’ll use the experience to explain what I’m tryna get at here.

Look, here’s the real deal — if all of the greats gave up the second things got frowny, we probably would have no one to worship. Nix role models, nix inspirations, none to stalk on Insta - we’d all be bumbling about like Sad from the even sadder Emoji movie (no shade, emojis be lit).

And that'd be very sad (pun definitely intended). Hence, cue some tangible ways to boosting your grit, so that you can be your own superhero:

1) Get yo’self a goddamn motto,

2) Know your “Why,”

3) Repeat the cycle till it’s in your blood. Btw, Shawn, if you here, I’m still a single pringl—HEY PAL I SEE YOU, DON'T SCROLL.

Seriously, don't brush these prime steps aside. We're always going for the advanced modes, and deeming these basic levels a waste of time. Well guess what, compadre, YOUR LIFE IS A GODDAMN WASTE O’ TIME IF YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR BASICS RIGHT. Excuse my outburst, but listen. You can’t do a hundred bicep curls on your first workout if you haven't lifted anything more than a crisps packet. Likewise, if you simply jump into Life one day, and decide “ok, here it is, 12 habits to build, sleep schedule to fix, man to ask out, let's go,” you ain't getting nowhere, chum. Start small. Take baby steps. It's clearly not as fun (definitely negates the bragging on Facebook part of it) but it'll stick. You’ll create a consistency that not even Grandma's cake batter can achieve.

1. Talking mottos — For context, a motto that I always mutter (my mom thinks I'm cursing, oh what a bad child) every time I spill milk while making coffee is “Do more. Give more. BE more.” Not only does it help me stay right on track for the rest of the day but it helps me clean up my mess, figuratively and otherwise, or I’d just be sitting in a puddle of spilt milk, cursing adulting for real this time and with more laundry to do.

2. Why you need the Big Why — Owning up, I’m guilty of attempting to learn Welsh for less than 48 hours because I hadn't a single reason to speak the language. A similar thing happened with half of my 2018 resolutions, which had a bunch of rubbish like “Floss daily”, something my eyes got trained to skip because, um, who the hell flosses every day?

Lame humor aside, I still workout almost daily because I have my Why straight. 1) I want to feel good about my body and get closer to the confident badass I envision my future self to be, 2) I simply HAVE to sustain my health to live to build my legacy and fulfill my dreams of opening a bakery at 90 and 3) Because I’m an influencer, and want to walk my talk and be the inspiration people need. Those are the reasons as to why I turn up to my yoga mat everyday, shut my jabbering mind, and keep on pulsing. This “Why” strategy applies to everything. Wanna get outta depression? Why? Wanna lose 20 pounds? Why? Wanna listen to your dentist’s desperate pleadings and floss already? WHY EH? Unless you know your intentions, you’ll give up at the first chance you get to not act on your goals. And watch out, because there'll be a LOT of those.

For me, leaving a legacy behind means more than having a slice of cake or missing a workout because there’s a fun movie playing. Find what's important to YOU, make it your why, and go marry your goals.

3. And then, Repeat — Bear in mind, if you're not living your best life yet, there are NO weekends. NO work-shy days. No weak days, no pick-me-up days, no eat-candy-do-nothing days. Everyday is a damn Monday. EVERYDAY is life or death. Every holy day you wake up is a chance to push your limits, challenge your mindset, and see how far you can go. And every 24 hours, when the cycle starts again, it’s your mission to race to build a stronger, wiser and crazier you.

And who knows, perhaps one day, you and I will just be casually sipping tea in our dream home, laughing at how the milk is still being spilt but knowing, proudly, fiercely, that we’ve come so far, even though there’s still more left to do, more to give and so much more to be.

Takeaway:

Quit quitting. You're, guaranteed, 20x stronger than you think. I doubted I could go through with the workout, it seemed beyond my present physical capabilities. But I did, because I treated it as life or death. Understand this, the second you start making excuses, for being depressed, for taking an unnecessary day off - you give away your power. You are a very powerful being. You're limitless, capable of everything.

I'm not throwing these words around to make you feel cute, I actually mean AND believe them. There’s so much that's been done already— the iconic four minute mile by Roger Bannister, invention of the light bulb, cars, toothpaste and other junk, people who lost both legs and climbed Mt. Everest, we sent a man to moon in frickin’ 1969 (50 YEARS ago), some ran a 26 mile marathon with zero training, love and hope is still strong in this world, oh let's also add coffee and motivational music— and YOU think you can't finish a workout or get outta depression or meet your idols or marry the man of your dreams or become the artist you wanna be? Ridiculous. Don't give away your power that easily, this ain't no charity shop.

(play ♬) Having personally dealt with unwelcome yet familiar feelings of emptiness quite often, I’ve now reached a point where each bad day is simply a reminder of how long my journey ahead is, and just how badly I want to reach my destination.

We finally near the end of this novel of a post (thanks for sticking around, bud), and my best advice would be this: Rather than wallowing in self pity and throwing one-man parties because your life is so awfully dreadful, know that even when life throws you to the floor, long as you can look up, long as you can read an entire book about defeating depression (cough)– you can GET UP too. Let those emotions of sorrow and frustration blaze up into a roaring, crackling fire that doesn’t consume you, but instead, urges you, fuels you.

Lately, no matter how much shit I go through, how many arguments I tumble into, or how barren my dreams look sometimes, I don’t break down. And no, it wasn't always like this. I never even had aspirations to name two years ago. Six months back, it had become a night routine to cry. Not anymore.

Now, every setback and every failure only pushes me to be stronger and give more than I ever gave. The day I made the decision to Conquer (truly, madly, deeply, with all of my heart) was also the day I said a big, loud ‘fuck you’ to every resistance that was to cross my path. I had finally understood that life was nothing but a battle of WILLS, that it was all in or nothing, and I made up my mind once and for all to NEVER give in to depression, or to society, or to anyone who tells me I cannot make it.

I had conquered depression. There was no looking back now.

Takeaway:

Here’s something no one will tell you: the key to bringing depression to its knees is seeing it positively. Pretend that it's a friend continuously sending strong, aggressive signals urging you to be happy. And what do you do when a caring friend throws some holy light? You listen, push past your ego, and follow accordingly.

And if that parallel seems unconvincing, here's another one (sup, DJ Khaled. This post is turning musical, sorry): it's scared of you. Depression is scared shit of you. Y'know how bullies are, right? Majorly insecure, self-loathing too perhaps, hardly fans of self love, and always trying to numb all that subconscious pain by inflicting pain on others. Depression has the same instruction manual. Your fears and doubts are your (pathetic) bullies, and depression is the big ol’ crony who does the dirty work for 'em.

Whenever you decide shit this is it, I'm going for it, they go paranoid and try stopping you because they've seen no better. And if they succeed, BOOM, you're depressed, paralyzed, your qualms reigning over you again. Don't let them in. I'll say it a thousand times if I gotta because I want (HAVE) to see you conquer – you're so much stronger than you think you are. You can do so much more than you think. It's all in your head! Don't just sit there, click away, and go back to living a sad life. You’re better than that. DO better than that. You’re meant to freaking CONQUER, straight-up dominate, my pal. Pay heed to that voice craving freedom. You got this. And you better know it.

One thing’s fixed like the (beloved by all) proportionality constants in Physics, you will come across depressing mornings and sluggish evenings even in the future. I assure you. Lots o’ bad hair days in the calendar, sis. But here's what you’ll do: you'll deactivate the miserable thoughts, keep a cool head, remind yourself that this is yet another test (better, rap your new mantra) and USE that hurt, pain, and anger to create a fervor and passion that wreaks havoc on its obstacles and drives you to accomplish EVERYTHING you've ever wanted to do. The easy choice would be to just give up, bellyache about the situation, and want sympathy for your worries. Yet, what you'll never do is… exactly that.

Rule 1) NEVER give up. Stand your ground. Have faith in your strength. Know that you'll have your way soon enough anyway. Rule 2) NEVER complain. All it does is drain your energy, that precious fire you could to high jump your way into the clouds. Makes you a pathetic wimp too, definitely not something you want on a warrior’s resume. Lastly, Rule 3) NEVER seek validation. From anyone. It sure feels nice to be acknowledged and encouraged, but grasp this— this is your journey. YOUR life and YOUR vision. Validation won't get you anywhere, for there'll never be enough of it.

Cuz Marty, if you're tryna bring something new, different, and authentic into this world – you'll most likely be hated on badly, before you'll be loved madly (hi, me a rapper). Learn to invite hate instead—IMPORTANT: hate from others, not yourself. Sounds counterintuitive, but this is the real tea: hate is good. It means you're standing up for something, refusing to fit like a puzzle piece in society, and being UNAPOLOGETICALLY yourself. And it’s certainly a sign that you’re on the right path if you can ignore that hate and stick your tongue out at it.

Yet another reason to never seek validation is simply this: you have to fight for yourself. In order to meet your own expectations, reach the doorstep of the best version of you, and transform this world, you'll have to go wildly IN. Toil and hammer away. Shut out all the haters and non-believers, listening only to your gut. Importantly, learn to accept the rejection slips, validating yourself not with what Molly says about it being okay, but with the reminder that your time is coming soon. Depend on yourself. Validation will NEVER be enough.

I get it, it's a lot of homework, but perhaps you already realize that it’s THIS work that'll change your life forever. Not “how to not procrastinate, Jesus take the wheel” or “HELLO, life's a mess so here are ten things to do (you won't believe number four!)”. Clickbaits don't work, stop believing that a fancy planner is going to be your savior. There is no rule to making your life a masterpiece. You'll have to get to know yourself and your dreams (journaling, meditation, silent pondering), build the work ethics and the mentality needed (lots of work in this one, yet no strict framework to go about it) and GET GOING.

AND with that firework, I'll begin to slip away now. Again, I won’t say it’s easy, that’s cock and bull. Life’s no fairytale. You will never feel ready to start bringing your dreams to fruition. But, my darling (I’m being so nice yo, follow me), you must. You must force yourself to work for the future you want till it becomes a habit, an obsession. The world badly needs heroes; confident people who can stand for themselves so that others can stare at first, maybe even hate a little, but then follow because they seem unstoppable and are, truthfully, having the most fun at life. YOU'RE one of them. No validation, just plain facts.

You see, conquering is a LOT of blood and sweat (K-pop, anyone? BTS? Lmao, this is me tryna clickbait y'all to read). Even getting up will seem huge when you're just starting out, and this is one long road, dear pal. Still then, I have enough faith in you to hope you don't give into your fears, I hope you willingly chase discomfort, and I hope you find the courage to do all that you want to do, while that heart's still beating.

I hope you conquer. I'll do too, and I'd really like to see some familiar faces during the ride.

Peace, amigo.

A loud ass A/N: And now, we come the most important part of this post. WAKE UP Luke, stop snoring, and take some notes. Remember kids, I won't accept anything but an A.

If you couldn’t identify yourself throughout this post and currently are scoffing like um woman, that's not really why I'm depressed, hang in there a sec. Yes, you can stop singing It Ain’t Me now. You've a very nice voice by the way.

I'm not a doctor, and I don't have enough exposure to know why so many earthlings are depressed today. HOWEVER, by talking to many, following their stories, watching and reading stuff – I do know with firm conviction that a majority suffers from severe unfulfillment. Don't believe me? A study shows 85% of the working class worldwide hate their jobs. Do you realize what that actually means? EIGHTY-FIVE PERCENT of the THREE BILLION PEOPLE employed today, hate being employed in the first place! They do it for prime survival, to sustain themselves. And that's just jobs. I won't scare you, but 50% (yes, HALF, you heard that right) of students HATE going to school. Kids waste SEVEN hours of their life every day going somewhere they dislike, doing something they hate. Who's singing now?

People find themselves trapped in golden handcuffs, taking the paycheck despite the passionless job. They push aside the art and business they love, to become a slave of good ol’ cash. Several surround themselves with negativity and get frustrated when unable to escape the choking (no, not THAT kind again, hello someone pour holy water over this post) atmosphere. An innumerable are forced into taking up courses that they don't care about under parental pressure. The reasons are endless, and I don't think I'll amuse myself listing all the sad excuses.

This has always been the story. Hundreds of influencers have preached the same words I’m tryna put into your head here and you’ll yourself say you’ve heard this a million times. YET, you’re dissatisfied. YET, you feel like crap everyday, feeding yourself the same lie that the next day will be better, that you’ll get up tomorrow– while you let life beat the shit out of you.

That’s why, all of my words, everything you’ve read today - all of that boils down to just one single question. A difficult but necessary choice. Will you let this happen to YOU? Will you, seriously, even after this wild ride together, go back to doing nothing and being nothing? Will you, for real, continue deceiving yourself, sacrifice your happiness for the sake of pleasing everyone else, and remain a statistic on a website?

(play ♬) If you’re not sure of your answer, read: Look, making you feel guilty is not my intention, because that’s not how this works. I need you to understand instead. Guilt wears off, it’s only understanding that brings about change. So, just for old times’ sake, I’ll rant a bit more (ik, just can’t seem to leave y’all).

You’re so, so young right now. More than half of your life is yet to be experienced. None of this probably makes much impact right now but it will the day you die. Remember, on your deathbed, you won't EVER look back and say, “Damn, wish I'd spent more time at the office. Saved up just one more dollar. Could’ve got that promotion before Amy.” Nay, it won’t even be on the calendar. That day, one foot in the grave, you'll reflect and wonder why the heck you didn’t let yourself be happier. Why you took up that lacklustre, soul-sucking architect job when all you've ever wanted to do is keep laughing. Why you didn't ask your crush out, why you were so afraid to walk up to that audition, because dammit, you could’ve been running your own comedy show by now. Why you dragged around a karaoke machine all this time instead of singing your own song. Why you couldn’t love yourself. Why you submitted. Why.

And the moment you realize that you hadn't lived a life for you, you’ll be crushed. Broken. The arthritis in your grannie joints won't even compare and neither will the mild dissatisfaction you’re feeling right now. Those whys will haunt you, they'll terrorize you, break you. It'll hurt tremendously to know that there isn't a single thing in your long life that you could call completely your own.

With every death today so many dreams are left unachieved, crazy things left unchecked on the bucket list, and unique potential left unexpressed.

DON'T let that be you. Please. I'm still a mess myself, struggling to reach class on time and studying subjects that aren't exactly fun, when all I want to do is create content (read: fireworks) that is at a level of insanity, influence folks to do better, hold crazy world tours and meet-and-greets to give hugs, and get an adorable puppy so I can create a dogstagram (yes, I'm that mom). Sure, I could declare it's too hard, hang onto small-minded and negative people who whine endlessly, and follow the crowd, getting lost in it, with ease.

But I won’t because I can’t take the burden of those regrets. That painful unrest and discontent that nothing could cure, not drugs, alcohol, buddies, not even true love. For then I’d be just another drone, my controller in the hands of society, forcing me to see the world through its eyes. I can’t give in because I’m scared, terrified even, of wasting away this one life doing the bidding of others- folks who won't even notice when I’m gone.

It’s easy to be depressed and crib your entire life. It’s easy to think you’re worthless and that trying is pointless since nothing ever goes your way.

But perhaps, if you rise, if you simply DECIDE to have the audacity to fight for what you believe in, if you work and focus on becoming better, things will go your way. Life will bend to you, in awe, at your incredible relentlessness. Life will take one look at you, wonder who the fuck is this person? How the fuck are they so incapable of giving up? And back right away. And then perhaps, life will be such a blast for you that depression would become the past you never had.

I know you can get there, conqueror. It’s time you knew it too.

🌚🌝 Further reading? 🌝🌚

Last Post :— How To Get Back Into The Creative Process – For you, if you're in a creative rut. Get outta it and go create magic!

5 Reasons Why You're Unhappy — To help you identify & cut out CURRENT sources of sadness so that you can spice up yo’ life with some happiness instead. Definitely recommend reading AND implementing.

The Bubble Trap & How To Get Out Of It — One of my classics. Everyone is in one of these 'bubbles’ till they consciously do something about it; that's just how it is. Are you still in one? (Someone teach me marketing, lmao.)

The 5 Biggest Regrets of The Dying (from Greatist) — I LOVED reading this. Pretty much all you need to cut the crap and do meaningful stuff. Read it, memorize it, work it.

++ Want to request a blog post? Leave your request in my ask box! I'll get back to you with a reply, along with the average time I'll need to birth that magical idea.

Thanks for dropping by! It was a pleasure to have you around. If you wish to stick for a bit, I'd suggest picking one of the related posts mentioned above.

If you wanna check out my blog, here's a little something about me (y'all know I love the attention). What do I write about? Three arenas I dominate, Work, Lifestyle and Life, they are, my mate! Take your pick!

I post new blog posts bi-weekly, and my wins, & journal entries throughout the week, so follow me if you're into conquering life, leaving a legacy and being the baddest badass you can possibly be. I'll be your side pal, cheering you along.✨

And that was it, it's a wrap! Martha, shut the cams, Henry, pause the audio, and Nandita, I know you're pretending to be deaf, but Mom's yelling something about doing the dishes. Better skip along.

And you, fellow conqueror? Keep slaying life, doing the work and making it count. I hope you're well, stay strong and go conquer life. ✧

I'm sending you so much love, see you soon.

— Nandini 💌 (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ��

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leoneandpegs · 6 years

Text

The Art of Deception

I’m here and back on my bullshit

(this was originally a vent and it turned into this? I apologise in advance)

Tony was confident. He was smooth and sly. Growing up with the press, he had learned at a very young age that he had people to impress. He was constantly in the spotlight. Constantly watched. The whole world was watching him. Every move; every word; every little thing he had done was known by everyone and able to be accessed by anyone. He was a celebrity; an icon that the whole world looked up to. He influenced society with what he said and did. He couldn’t take anything back. Once it was done, it was there forever. Never forgotten. Easily accessed.

Sometimes, he wished he had a normal life. Wished he didn’t feel like he had to live up to society’s standards. Wished the world wasn’t watching his life play out. Wished he wasn’t constantly judged for anything he did. He desperately wanted a life where he didn’t have to have the pressure of impressing everyone.

Tony’s father wasn’t great. In fact, he was a piece of shit. He didn’t love Tony. If he did, he was just shite at showing it. Tony only longed for his father’s love and support. He wanted a father to tell him that he was proud of him. As a child, Tony worked hard to show Howard that he was worth his time. To show that he was just as smart as him. But even with that, Howard still turned him away. He just wanted to be at least acknowledged by him. Was it just too much to ask? For a father to be loving and supportive? Maybe Howard wasn’t cut out to be a father. (Of course he wasn’t, he was a terrible father.)

Maybe that’s where the problems all started. With his father. Maybe if his father had been somewhat good at what he was supposed to do, he wouldn’t be overly self critical about himself. Maybe he wouldn’t think that everything he did wasn’t good enough.

The Tony the world knew was different to the real Tony. He wasn’t confident and self-assured. He was hurting. Constantly. He never felt like he was good enough. Was he good enough? Was anything he did good enough? Were his inventions good enough? No. That was always his answer. No.

And as life went on, it only became worse.

The Avengers. A group put together to protect the Earth. To make the world feel safe. A group of remarkable and skilled people that were able to bring hope and stability to the world. A group that were meant to be friends. In a sense, they were.

Tony cared for them; he really did. He showed that in his own way. He tinkered and built them their weapons. That was always the way he showed someone that they cared for them (with some exceptions). That was always the way he showed it. It was the only way he knew how to show it. It was a way to relieve his stress. Sometimes though, he felt like they didn’t care about him.

Maybe it was his terrible self-esteem, but he often felt like he was cast out from the group. Like he didn’t really belong there. Sure, he was part of the Avengers but he didn’t think he belonged there as a friend.

Ever since Afghanistan and becoming Iron Man, his mental health had deteriorated even quicker than before. Mixed with his depression and anxiety, there was PTSD. His mind was tainted with the memories of torture, the terrible surgery for his arc reactor and flying into that wormhole during the invasion. His dreams were replaced with nightmares that haunted his mind. That’s part of what caused the insomnia.

He never slept. He couldn’t sleep. Thoughts plagued him, whispering from the back of his mind. A mantra. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. He wished he was good enough.

As a superhero, you can’t save everyone. A fact that Tony was yet to accept. The guilt was always there. People he couldn’t save. All those innocent people that died because he couldn’t save them. He should’ve been able to save them. He should’ve saved them. They had friends. They had family. Why couldn’t he save them all?

The press was unforgiving. Always highlighting his faults and mistakes. Did that help him? Of course not. It only gave him another reason to keep on upgrading his suits and the Avengers’ weapons. He had to be able to save everyone. He needed his gear to be the best it could be. The whole world was relying on him; on the safety he brought to them.

Therapy kinda helped. But then again, he had never been the kind of person that would talk about his feelings. He was never allowed to. (Another fault of Howard Stark.) He was given medication. At times, it felt like it really did help him but at others, it felt like there was no point in taking them. The ups and downs of his mental health, he guessed.

He saw Pepper die. Well, she didn’t really die but he watched her fall. He thought she was dead. She should’ve been dead. If it weren’t for that damn Extremis that she was injected with, she would’ve died. He was thankful for that, but she shouldn’t have been kidnapped or injected with it in the first place. And that was his fault. He shouldn’t have let her get kidnapped. Now she had to have the memories of it.

The Avengers - his second family. And although he felt cast out at times, he enjoyed having them live with him. He enjoyed having their company and the shenanigans they got up to. It was never truly uneventful when they were there. Their family was dysfunctional, but he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

In his quest to keep the world as safe as possible, he created Ultron. In theory, his plan was great. A robot that would bring safety to Earth. A set of hands around the world; protecting the whole population from the inevitable alien attack. If only it didn’t completely backfire.

He didn’t expect Ultron to become evil. Nobody did. He just wanted another way to protect everyone. Apparently, that was just too much to ask.

Ultron was built to protect the Earth, but instead wanted to destroy it. His plan was to kill the entire population of the planet. All of the innocent people. Everyone.

That took a big toll on Tony. He was to blame. He created Ultron. Bruce was missing. He lost JARVIS and even though he now had Vision, he would never be the same. Anyone who died during that attack was on Tony. His fault, his fault, his fault. His mental health got worse.

As he was still yet to fulfil his quest of ensuring the safety of the entire Earth, Tony kept on working. Working on new suits. Working on new weapons. Anything and everything to make sure everyone was safe. ‘You can’t save everyone.’ Bullshit. Tony would make sure that everyone was safe. He could save everyone. He had to be able to. After all of the innocent people he couldn’t save, he had to make sure there wasn’t anymore.

But what happens when those weapons are used against him? The same weapons he gifted those he called family used against each other. They were meant to protect the world, not create what they called ‘the civil war.’

Betrayal. Betrayed by the people he cared for the most. He did a lot of things he regretted during that time. Blinded by rage and hurt, he became desperate to bring his family back together. He brought Peter into the fight. And even though he was definitely good enough to go into a fight like that, he was only a child. He didn’t have to be dragged into that.

Rhodey. Oh god, Rhodey. He was paralysed. And it was his fault. Was it really his fault? No. But did he still think it was? Yes. But still, he made sure that Rhodey has the best damn leg braces that he could build. He would make it so he could walk again.

Then, Siberia happened. Finding out the truth about the death of his parents, he couldn’t hold back anymore. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Learning that someone he completely trusted had lied to him for years, he felt utterly betrayed. And then he was left there to die.

He was alone. Again. He only had Pepper, Happy and Rhodey. And maybe Peter. Not that he meant to let Peter into his life like that, Peter just had a way of working his way into people's hearts.

He gave Peter the suit. It was so much better than his homemade suit anyway. Such a drastic improvement. He was able to track how well Peter was doing and if he had any injuries. He also gave Peter an AI for his suit. Peter named her Karen which he found quite cute.

That was until the ferry fiasco. He took away the suit. He had to take away the suit. It was to keep him safe. Peter couldn’t be responsible about having the suit. That would stop him, right? Wrong.

Tony thought about if it was the wrong decision to take the suit away from Peter. No. It was definitely the right decision. He wouldn’t get hurt. He didn’t need the suit. He needed to learn that he could be something without the suit. He couldn’t have known that taking away the suit wouldn’t stop Peter.

Peter, desperate to prove himself to Tony, went after Vulture on homecoming night. In the end, he didn’t know if he should have gone or not. Having a building dropped on you isn’t a great experience. But he saved the Avengers’ items and that’s what really mattered. To him, anyway.

Tony was absolutely devastated when he found out what really went down on that night. Peter still went out in his fucking pyjamas after Tony took the suit. He took away Peter’s layer of protection. And now he was dealing with the PTSD of having the damn warehouse collapse on him. That was his fault. Everything was his fault.

Even after Peter turned down the offer to be in the Avengers, they still stayed quite close. Peter was gifted the suit back and he visited the tower, which Tony decided to no longer sell, at least once a week.

Tony loved Peter. Hell, even Pepper loved Peter. Have you looked at him? That boy is literally a puppy. At that point, Peter was basically Tony’s son. And Tony was basically a helicopter parent. Howard didn’t completely fuck him up. He was able to take care of his totally not-son. Fuck you Howard.

Peter knew Tony; the real Tony. Despite what the kids at school said about his ‘Stark Internship’, he did actually know Tony Stark himself. And not the press Tony Stark™️, the real Tony Stark. He was one of the lucky few who knew what Tony was really like. Not like how the press portrayed him. He wouldn’t dare say it, but Tony was his father figure. (Honestly, both of them needed to fucking grow some balls and admit it; everyone knew that they were father and son.)

When Tony was with Peter, he finally felt like he was enough for someone. That someone being Peter. And really, to Peter, Tony was more than enough. He had looked up to Tony his entire life so now knowing him was kinda a mindfuck to Peter.

But even so, Tony still wanted to ensure safety to all the people of Earth. Then, he made Mark 50. A nanotech suit that he can get in an instant. Even though it was quite a pain to get the whole mechanism installed (and a pain to have in his body,) it was well worth it if it made sure that Earth could be protected.

It had been about a year since the ‘Civil War’. Still, no contact had been made between Tony and Steve. Tony didn’t really want to. Yes, he wanted his family back but could he really trust them all again? Would they betray his trust again? Steve lied to him for years. On something he had the right to know. Something he shouldn’t have found out about in Siberia. Forgivable? Probably not. He wasn’t mad at Bucky. He was never mad at Bucky. As much as he wanted to be, he couldn’t be. It wasn’t his fault that he was brainwashed and used by HYDRA. He was the weapon that HYDRA yielded. He was mad at the fact that the truth was hidden from him for years. Hidden from him by someone he put his complete trust in.

The Avengers were no longer a reliable option when it came to protecting the world. Nobody knew where they were. Did Team Cap ever think about the consequences on the civilians of the world? They only had a handful of people left that they could put their faith in to keep their world safe. They lived in fear of what could happen without them.

Infinity war. That’s what they called it. That was the inevitable invasion Tony always prepared for. What Tony had been thinking about ever since the invasion in New York. And another one was about to happen.

It seemed like a somewhat normal day. It was a normal day. It should’ve been a normal day. Why wasn’t it a normal day? Just him and Pepper in that park. That’s how it should’ve stayed. Fate works in weird ways and it’s not always the way that it should be.

Tony never thought he would ever actually have to go into space. And especially not with the kid. Peter was just meant to be help the little guys, not carry the whole weight of the world on his shoulders. Peter was a good kid. He already held grief and sadness yet still managed to keep a smile on his face at all times. He didn’t need to be corrupted by the demons and pain of the world. He didn’t need to see space as what it really was.

Oh, yeah and Thanos was a fucking demon of a purple space grape. He stabbed- wait no, impaled Tony. He had the audacity to do so after talking so highly about him. He stood there, waiting for the black to start coming into the corner of his eyes. He was waiting for death. He was going to have the death he always wanted. Dying while saving the world; dying in honour. And he was, until-

“Stop.”

Looking over, he saw Strange. Didn’t he say that he would protect the time stone even if it cost him his life? He wasn’t just going to give over the time stone. This wasn’t the way they would win, right? This couldn’t be the only way.

“It was the only way.”

Well, shit. This is not how he expected any of this to go. And now Thanos was gone. He was sat there, helpless. Not knowing what would come next. Thanos had surely gone to Earth. He didn’t have the mind stone - Vision was still out there, alive. All he could hope was that those that were defending Earth could do so. He prayed to a God he didn’t even believe in that it would all go well.

First it was Mantis. Then it was Drax. Then it was Quill. Then Strange.

“Mr Stark?”

God please no. Not him. Not Peter. The sweet innocent boy Tony had grown to love. He had so much to live for. He had so much potential. An amazing future waiting for him.

“I don’t feel so good.”

Falling into Tony’s arms, Peter clutched desperately onto him as he begged for his life. Too young; too pure. Slowly fading away. Grasping on to Tony for his dear life. This wasn’t the way it was meant to go. He was meant to be peaceful, not in pain. Not begging for his life. Not meant to be a child when he experienced death.

He dusted. Ripped from existence. Ripped from Tony’s grasp. Tony sat there and waited for it too. He waited for the dust to come from his fingers and take him away from existence. It was his turn.

But, it never came.

For the first time in years, he cried freely. He didn’t hold back. Tears rolled down his stained cheeks, mixing with the blood from the various wounds situated on his face. He tasted the dust and the blood. He tasted the tears. He tasted the pain. He tasted the loss.

He failed. He failed to protect the Earth. He failed to protect the universe. He failed to protect Peter. This was all his fault.

His fault. His fault. His fault. His fau….

- 🌻 (Pegs)

My AO3: oofandpeggy

#tony stark #irondad #irondad fanfic #irondad fic #Irondad and Spiderson #marvel #avengers #iw #im sorry #fanfic #some bullshit #angsty #i think?#Iron Man #spiderman #spider man: homecoming #im trying my best pls love me #Pegs

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stu-dna · 6 years

Text

how I survived my first semester at uni

somehow I made it through. here’s what helped:

(this is going to differ for everyone based on how you study best & what subjects you're studying! I am a science major so business/law majors probably won't benefit much from this, sorry <3 )

I. NOTES

figure out what type of note taking works best for you

—I started out by handwriting my notes. It was fine until my handwriting disintegrated and even I couldn't read what was happening. Also, carrying around a whole bunch of notebooks and folders got way too heavy for my back.

—I then switched to taking notes digitally. It took some getting used to, but now I absolutely love it. I use Notability for pretty much everything.

organisation is your best friend

—I colour-code by subject, e.g. all biology notes are blue and all chemistry notes are green and I swear to god if one more person tells me that biology should be green imma fight a bitch. That also means that my highlighters in each digital notebook are the corresponding colours, so I’m able to see what subject each page is without having to read too much into it.

—I also separate my notes based on type, for example in-class notes, "pretty" notes, and practice sheets are separate categories. Within these categories the aforementioned colour-coding comes into play.

II. STUDYING

I fell in LOVE with flashcards

—I literally have a 20cm high stack of flashcards from my last exam (which I aced btw :) ). It's like that for nearly every exam.

—Speaking of which... some subjects don't work well with flashcards (for me at least) e.g physics and maths. This is something that you can usually figure out early on in the semester.

—Again, organisation will save your life. I use these boxes to separate my cards by subject, then within the box I use coloured cards (of course corresponding to the subject) to separate card types/sub-subjects.

practice exams are there (legally or not...) for a reason

—Practice exams are how I did well in physics (my least favourite subject). I separated all the questions by concept and then learned what I needed to by solving about 10 problems per concept. Same with my maths exam.

—If you have access to more than a couple of past exams you can familiarise yourself with the problems that tend to come up more frequently and how the professor tends to ask certain about certain concepts.

learn where you study best/most efficiently

—I absolutely cannot study at home. Too many distractions plus my bed is so comfortable...

—I found that the library worked perfectly. If I was out of my house then I might as well stay out and study. Also, the general academic atmosphere really helped me with motivation.

—To music or not to music, that is the question. Again, it depends on how and what you are studying. Physics and maths, for example, were just practice problems, so I would listen to music. I would also listen when writing flashcards. When learning flashcards, I'd either listen to rain sounds or absolutely nothing besides the scribbling of pens and the occasional sniffle. It all depends on how you focus best.

Ill. HEALTH

physical health

—Get your blood flowing. When I was in the library studying I would stand up every 45 minutes and go do squats and stretches in the bathroom. This can also help you focus (!).

—Every couple of hours, stand up and walk around for about 5 to 10 minutes. It gives you a little break and gets your blood circulating.

—I started cycling to uni. It is 5km (about half an hour) each way and I don't think I've been fitter in my life. It has done wonders for my mental health too.

—Drink water!! In the library I would only let myself stand up to stretch / pee after I finished an entire water bottle. This was every 45 minutes. I peed a lot.

—If the sun shines, go stand outside for a couple of minutes. This was a rare treat for me because where I live in Germany the winters are grey, grey, and darker grey. You need vitamin C and serotonin. Get some.

mental health

—Sleep. You need it. Trust me. Staying up really late to study for a bit longer before an exam isn't worth it. It'll lead to stupid mistakes that will bring your grade down and leave you feeling even more crappy.

—Take study breaks. If you are feeling mentally tired due to stress/over-studying, go home. Go to sleep. Let yourself sleep. It's worth it. Trying to cram more material in when you just can't do any more will not help you.

—Don't be afraid to not take an exam. At one point, I had 5 exams within 8 days of each other. I decided to not take the 4th one and to instead give myself a break and prepare for the 5th exam. It was the best decision I've made so far in uni. If you are worried about how not taking an exam will affect you in terms of your uni career, talk to an advisor or older student.

—Remember that you are not alone. Make one friend, even just an acquaintance. Reach out to old friends from school. Reach out to someone online, even anonymously. (I’m almost always online if you wanna chat <3 )

nutrition

—I'm really hypocritical for saying this, but eat breakfast. It makes a massive difference in your energy levels throughout the day.

—Eat a goddamn vegetable.

—Coffee can be your best friend but also your worst enemy. Use it responsibly.

—Alcohol is your own choice. Don't let anyone pressure you into drinking. You can have fun with or without it. And if someone tries to get you to drink even after you’ve said no, get the hell out of there.

IV. MISCELLANEOUS

—Sometimes skipping classes is worth it, but it's up to you to make the right choices as to which. I went to a grand total of 3 physics lectures and got a 1,3 on the exam (;

—You don't need to buy textbooks. Ask your classmates & have a look online (;

—BRING A PHONE CHARGER WITH YOU EVERYWHERE. I have a backpack changer and a home changer, and they live in those places.

—Carry painkillers, antacids, etc. around with you. Either you or someone you know will need some.

—Shower, especially if you are staying long days in the library. It will make you feel more alive.

—Find a cafe that you can retreat to when the library makes you want to rip your own eyes out.

—Treat yourself every now and again. Be it ice cream or a nice notebook or a frozen pizza or a fucking avocado, it’ll be worth it.

sometime in the future I’ll make a couple of posts where I’ll go into detail about some of the things I mentioned above (eg how I use Notability, my flashcard system, organisation, etc.)

unless this was absolute shite; if so lmk and I’ll go hide in a hole <3

#studyblr #stu-dna-ing #harrietsaysathing #uni #studyblr tips #university tips #uni tips #sciblr #German studyblr #note taking tips #ersti tipps

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oldspiceandbloodstains · 6 years

Text

a kiss, a case and the color blue

...

This is just for the case, Dean tried to convince himself.

'The case' was a haunting in some bed and breakfast that had been converted to a honeymoon getaway. Evidently, the first owner was found cheating by his wife. Afterwards, she committed suicide by jumping from a window on the top floor.

Ever since, she has terrorized all couples that enter, forcing them out the window as well. And since the ghost only appeared to couples, Dean had to get himself a wife.

He was currently sitting on the king size bed in their suite, waiting for Donna to come out of the bathroom. And he was having a bit of a moral crisis.

Dean didn't know why he asked Donna to help him. Sure, Donna was a good friend, and a good hunter. She was smart and handy with a gun. But so was Jody. He reasoned with himself that Jody had her hands full with the girls, so Donna was his only choice.

Right. That was it.

But they had kissed. That was the thought that kept popping into his head.

Yes, it was for show. The place had been chock full of other couples who were fawning over each other and being all lovey-dovey and gross. And Dean might've possibly looked like he'd gone off the reservation by talking to the cute receptionist about the murders.

Donna had just walked up to him and with only a "Hiya, honey" as a warning, she had popped up on her tiptoes and brought his lips to hers. And yes, it had lasted for maybe fourteen seconds (not that he was counting). But something about that damn kiss had his mind glitching all over the place.

Dean's head shot up as Donna stepped out of the bathroom, still toweling off her hair and her other clothes over her other arm. It was a lot longer than he had thought, and curly. Kinda cute. His eyes traveled down a little bit and any breath that he had caught in his throat.

If anyone had ever asked him, Dean woulda pegged Donna as a tank top and sleep pants kinda girl. Only after he punched them, of course. Nothing even close to the pale blue, silky slip that stopped just above her knees, highlighting her very curvy body. Now, Dean had always prided himself on having some semblance of self control when it came to pretty women. But he also had a thing for hips. And those pajamas were doing Donna's too many favors to be good for his self control.

"Told ya it would only take fifteen minutes." She proclaimed, smiling proudly at him from her side of the bed, dropping the towel on the floor. Her scent wrapped around him in a thick layer; she smelled like cherries, vanilla, and pine. How the hell did she do that?

"What are you..." Donna started to say in a teasing tone, then followed his eyes to her clothes. "Oh." Blood rushed to her face, her russet brown eyes coming up to meet his in embarrassment. At least, that's what it was supposed to look like. But that look- everything about her, if he was being honest- had his blood rushing to a very different place.

"Well, my turn." Dean blurted, grabbing his clothes and practically running into the bathroom. One thought pounded on his head as he shut the door and slid down to the floor.

Crap.

...

Crap.

That's what ran through Donna's head as she dumped her clothes into her bag. Dean had closed the bathroom door behind him and the tension had lessened. Barely.

If it helped Dean at all, it was a surprise to her too when she found this instead of her usual pjs. It had been a splurge from her Doug #1 days that she'd never gotten to wear. And she had been saving it for- well, sometime when she could actually get laid. She must've accidentally thrown it in her suitcase.

Right, that was it.

Not that she hadn't thought of doing the nasty with Dean. Because she had. Possibly even several times. Donna had wondered a few things about how Dean would be in bed; quiet, loud, top or bottom, maybe a bit kinky? But that was all besides the point.

The point was that they were friends. And they were working a case. And Donna had a type and Dean definitely wasn't it.

But then again, there had been that kiss.

Donna didn't know what she was thinking kissing Dean flipping Winchester. The same Winchester who was known for being a notorious flirt and sleeping around with every other barmaid. The Winchester who was far too attractive for his own good.

Sure, it had been for the job. They were pretending to be a happy couple that was just married. And her fake husband had been flirting with the receptionist. The pretty, thin receptionist with big blue eyes and an even bigger rack. So she had strolled up to them and laid one on him.

And sure, he was all warm muscle beneath her hands and tasted like apple cider (not that she noticed). But that stupid kiss had her heart frolicking around like a baby deer in the springtime.

She had just sat down on the bed when Dean stepped out of the bathroom and chucked his dirty clothes at his duffel bag. Donna shot up to her feet as he reached to turn off the light. And the tension increased once again as they stared at each other from opposite sides of the bed, feeling awkward as hell.

He was shirtless. SHIRTLESS. Donna knew, as a hunter, he had to be fit. It was kinda part of the job description. But she was also fairly sure that it was illegal to have such toned shoulders and arms. And his navy sleep pants rested low enough on his hips that any red-blooded woman would have trouble keeping her eyes above the waist. Was he trying to get back at her?

As for Dean, he seemed to be hypnotized. His usually intense, apple green eyes had taken on an almost glazed look as they dragged over her. It was... Kind of nice.

"Well, uh," Dean started, rubbing the back of his neck. "I, uh, guess I'll take the couch."

"Dean." Donna sighed, crossing her arms. He was gonna pull some shite like that on her, then try to be chivalrous? Not on her watch. "We're both grown adults here. We can keep our hands to ourselves for one dang night, don't cha think?"

His gorgeous shoulders squared up, a resolved expression taking over his chiseled face. Which wasn't hot. At all.

"Right. Well, good night."

"G'night, Dean. Sweet dreams."

...

They slipped under the sheets and, after a bit of shifting around, laid back to back. And they both considered their positions. If it was any other night, and they were with anyone else, it would've seemed romantic.

The moon shining in through an open window. The flannel sheets soft and cool against exposed skin. And a pocket of body heat existed between them, a constant reminder that someone was only an arm's length away. It should have been comforting, even arousing.

Instead, it was just..... Awkward.

Donna touched her lips, remembering that kiss. The way he had felt beneath her, warm skin and hard muscle. And how she had glared at that shocked receptionist with the universal 'hands off my man' signal. Even now she'd left Dean with a bit of a dazed look. She had felt so proud of herself. But that was just acting, right?

Dean gripped at his pillow, her image trapped in his mind. Her tangled hair flowing down her back, the moonlight making it into a halo of sorts. Her big brown eyes doing the best Bambi impression he'd seen. And that damn blue dress! She had looked so soft and seductive and beautiful. But they were only friends, right?

They both relaxed into the mattress. Well, as much as they could.

This was gonna be a loooong night.

...

This is part one of my first Dean and Donna ficlet! Feedback is appreciated!

#dean x donna #ficlet #supernatural #awkward #spn #donna hanscum #dean winchester #pt. 1

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irvinislost-blog · 6 years

Text

Chapter One

I just deleted my old tumblr account. I created that account around three and a half years ago and I saw one picture and thought “absolutely fucking not”. So I deleted it. Took me fucking years to sort out my emails because I hardly ever use my laptop anymore out of sheer laziness. I literally cannot be arsed pressing the on button. But tonight, it’s 1:14am and I thought it'd be a good idea to log into this. It wasn’t. Now I’m using actual grammar and typing up a shit tonne for no one in particular. I don’t even remember the last time I used capitals on the internet lol. Sack it. i usually just use caps when i email my old swimming coach because like professional shit, ygm? i’m still gonna use punctuation tho. i’m the only person who will read this and it'll be in like a year and i’ll look back and gag on this lol soz.

anywayz, hiya kiddos. i got bored, i’ve been playing the same shitty app thing for the past hour to try and get a level above my boyfriend even tho he went to sleep like three hours ago because he’s a pussy and thinks i’m some abnormal nocturnal being. this is fun. i’m enjoying this more than i should. i’m probably just gonna use this to write about shit that i’ve done and talk about my weird theories that my friends don’t listen to because they think i’m just a bit dim.

idk what you’d call it but the profile picture thing for this makes me giggle so much because it’s like a stereotypical cringey tumblr picture but i used it because the first ecig i ever bought-vape nation, amirite bois-had that pattern on it because i was like 13 and in love with matty healy, still am in love with matty healy but i’m now 15. it was a really shitty ecig too. like a pen that didn't really work and cost a fiver off some website that was like vapingisthebomb.com idfk. i was actually such a little cretin. so that’s why i used that image. funny little anecdote for you there.

gonna try not to turn this into a weird online diary thing. currently i’m sat at my new desk, my room is currently clean because i become productive at night and clean and do homework. it’s a friday so i had school today. well it’s now saturday but it doesn't really count so i’m gonna say it’s friday. it’s my six month anniversary with my boyfriend. we didn’t do anything because i have 43p in my bank account. currently listening to never enough by rex orange county, highly recommend, he's such a legend imo. only thing keeping me sane. i’ve had a shite week. that’s probably why i’m doing this. my favourite teacher is leaving. he’s been like a best friend to me for four and a half years lol i’m actually gutted. i was the first person he told and he came into my photography class and i burst into tears and cried to him for about ten minutes whilst i shouted at him for abandoning me. also found out my nan might be dying. wow. feels good to get that out. i’ve only told like two of my friends. one of my best friends has been off all week because she couldn't get out of her bed because she feels so awful. she’s never been like this before. a support teacher even turned up at her house to chat to her but she’s only told me. i am very worried lol. i got zero homework this week which is fun. bit weird tho. not something that usually happens, especially since i’m in my last year of high school. i’m british btw, if you couldn't tell lol. england born and bred. pretty shit place if you ask me. it’s hyped up way too much.

i’ll stop this now. this is why i stopped writing cards to people. i go off on a fat tangent and fill up every side of the card. my best friend gets angry tho because i’ve never given her a card, for this reason. she wrote christmas cards for everyone this year. it’s the funniest shit, it’s like being back in year 3. her and this girl that worships her went to their history teacher who i’ve never spoken to and they were too pussy to knock on the door to give him a christmas card and these two 11 year olds were pissing themselves with laughter because of how pathetic it was. highlight of my week.

okay, i’m done now. fuck i’m cringing so much lol soz about it.

goodnight;

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cominguptulips · 3 years

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Dream journal entry 1

I had just woken up. the thing is, I dream on almost a daily basis. but the dream that I had just now was so vivid that it urged me to write about it first thing when I woke up. it was divided into 2 parts. The nice one with babs and the other one where I was in a asylum slash school with what it looked like the guy version of Chloe Grace Moretz. Brinda was there too, haha!

So, part 1 went a little something like this: the first order of things was shayne accompanied me to have my hair cut. i don’t remember exactly what my hair looked like in the dream but what I do remember is that I wanted to get bangs, that I was going to FINALLY get my hair done, à La Summer Finn/ Brigette Bardot/ every manic pixie dream girl’s hair ever style. what made that bit so memorable was, I think, the salon also served Chinese food. I should mention that before we got to the salon, I asked shayne’s opinion on where should I get my hair done to THAT place or this other place called ‘Spearman’ yup, my statistics work is calling me, lol. we just found out that the place served Chinese food after we got there. I got my hair done whilst she ordered some food.

I don’t remember how we got there but there was this footage that bab’s showed me. it was from a party. everybody looked like they were having fun then he paused the video to this one bald guy who I assume was his prof and this girl. long hair, kinda busty. he said something along the lines of “Yes, it’s true. she’s now a cop and she has big boobs. you think that only exists in pornos but nope, she’s a real as it gets” bab’s said something prior to that but much to my chagrin, I can no longer recall it.

Before Part 2 started there was this, I don’t know, I guess you can call it a intermission number, lol! it wasn’t cute or scaring or anything. like most dreams, it was just weird. so, it started when I went out of the house to buy Marcel’s food. I looked tired, barren and just, straight up shite (but then again when is a day that I actually look decent) I was stumbling my way to SM without a mask on. I was near Mcdonald’s so I turned right, still struggling to walk properly and still struggling to put on the god damn mask when out of the blue, I see this line appear in front of me. the people behind me pushed me until we were inside this mall or whatever. I mean, I assume it was a mall. it was cold, bright, empty, everything was white and gray, the floor was tiled, the whole shabam. apparently, they were in line for the vaccines. the host or whatever she was then told us that there were very limited vaccines available so, to determine who gets what, we we’re gonna play a game of ‘the boat is sinking’ the host, or HOSTESS, was hella weird. whilst thinking of a number, which by the way, took forever, she walked around doing these very random movements. she was tiny and had very short hair. now that i think of it, she looked a lot like Ms. Guiao, hehe. I don’t remember what happened after that but yeah. I assume my group won seeing that we and and the other group (there were 3 groups/lines) were the only one’s left. also, I dreamt of Katrina in her IG story. her prof excused her for not passing her requirements on time. except the part where she said that she was tired and yada yada yada. he marked it “nullified” for some reason, wtf

anyways, for part 2, it all began in a service car. Mang Allan’s, I think :o. like I said, Brinda was there riding shotgun with me. and we were messing around, well, it was mostly her (in typical brinda fashion :P) I think she was trying to mess with my hair or something, making fun of it. anyways, we got to the school, that school looking a LOT like DC, btw. and went our seperate ways. here’s when masculine looking Chloe Grace Moretz comes into the picture. unlike Chloe who leans more on the curvy side of things, this guy was skinny and lanky. ‘cute’ and ‘handsome’ is already a given because, duh. i called his name and handed him his water bottle that he asked me to hold on to for some reason. we went to a restroom and he proceeded to fill it up with water from the drinking fountain. we didn’t exactly go inside the restroom but yeah, the drinking fountain was beside it. I looked over at the open restroom and she a bunch of people fixing their hair, changing clothes and whatever. what happened next is that I turned to my left and saw one of the school’s professors. she was with 2 guys, who looked like a cross between bodyguards and lab assistants. she was naked, covered in slime and was now, half-human, half-fish. she said something along the lines of “It worked! I told you it’s not impossible! I’m a mermaid!” so, I took Chloe’s hand, who by the way, was even reluctant because he was still filling his goldfish with water in the drinking fountain, and ran. we ran upstairs. (because that was the smartest move to get out of the school, right?) it was dark (duh.) but Chloe eventually made his way to his classroom. we must have climbed 5 flights of stairs. by ‘we’ I meant, Melanie Martinez and I. yup, she was with me in that scenario all of the sudden. so we made it to, what I think was the last floor. that’s when things began to get more strange so I told her that we should just go down to the 4th floor and hide here instead but she insisted staying there because THAT’S SOO MELANIE MARTINEZ! so, I went flying down the stairs by myself. I made it to, probably the third floor when I decided to hide instead. I was trapped. so, I tensed up and prepared myself for battle in which I lost because these nurses found and sedated me.

so, that was my dream. I know it’s weird coming here after what, 2 months of silence, then proceeding to write a dream without explaining first why I’ve been MIA for quite some time but yeah. a lot has happened, and I probably won’t be able to talk about everything, but I’ll give you the highlights later on since I have an exam and other activities to accomplish for today.

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musicmaking-basics · 4 years

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Opinion: Frustrating Fanboys

Oh, how I would like it if this were about frustrating the fanboys, but no... it’s about irritating fanboys, the likes of which you run across when you frequent social media for a while.

To me a fanboy is someone who is so emotionally attached to a product or line of products, they start to irrationally defend things worthy of criticism or can see no wrong in a company’s behavior.

In general fanboys cluster around companies that make quality products on average. The two examples I’m listing are high profile companies that make popular products and in general have a good reputation.

FL Studio All Plugins Edition

The recent controversy is FL Studio by Image-Line. Apparently usually FL Studio doesn’t go on sale, but this year one edition did - the “All Plugins Edition”. It is their most expensive offer currently. They offer quite a rebate, too!

Where it gets fishy is that apparently the All Plugins Edition is not only new - maybe introduced with this sale? I couldn’t verify, but people on social media claim it - but named almost alike to the previous All Plugins Bundle which came for a similar price point (non-rebated).

People have been confused by the wording. The All Plugins Bundle contained all of FL Studio’s plugins also as VST versions you could use outside of FL Studio and many people like that. In contrast, the All Plugins Edition contains only plugins internal to FL Studio - what many people would consider an inferior offer. The information is not exactly hidden and not exactly advertised. They say “native” plugins and if you go into the details of any plugin on offer you get this:

All of this were kinda fine were it not for the fact of the way the product is named. It is not named “All Native Plugins Edition” - but it is named almost but not quite alike to the popular “All Plugins Bundle” which you can still buy from resellers.

For me that was a hard pass. But cue the fanboys... People started to point this out and complain about it in social media, calling it basically misleading marketing.

Fanboy defense #1: Do your due diligence. Read everything, all manuals, EULAs, whatever. (And people who don’t do this are ignorant, etc.)

But... None of this changes that the name is intentionally misleading. It’s a shite move intended to confuse buyers. And it seems to work. Why blame customers for this? They didn’t pick the name!

Fanboy defense #2: All major DAWs contain internal/native plugins mostly in their bundles. Everybody does it.

But... They didn’t release an almost identically named product that allures to a previous product, making it seem that a much coveted product had gone on sale and then perform a sleight of hand hiding behind asterisks and the word “native.”

Fanboy defense #3: You can use FL Studio as a host plugin in another DAW.

Technically correct, but the overhead of using a full host plugin instead of an instrument plugin consumes more CPU and memory. It probably also adds to the latency. These things aren’t trivialities when you try to make any kind of moderately complex projects, even with modern computers. This is the main reason why people buy VST versions of popular Imagine-Line plugins, after all. To get efficient access to their capabilities.

Hey, nobody was saying FL Studio isn’t good. But fanboys put all blame solely on anyone voicing criticism of a company that just is trying to pull a 400 bucks fast one.

Things that fanboys will do: Never concede a single point, and if you actualy do, immediately raise another smoke screen as diversion. The company can do no wrong...

And we’ll see more of this.

Spitfire Audio Refund policy

I recently ran afoul, admittedly unexpectedly, of the refund policy of Spitfire Audio. I bought a plugin by them and it just wasn’t really good - in my opinion. So I researched if I could get a refund for my 100 bucks purchase.

You should have seen the vitriol I found when others opened such topics. (I did some research.) It’s one of the worse corners of the internet. People who even brought up the topic were ridiculed, basically called ignorant, and made wrong in every possible way. Quite hostile!

The refund policy of SA is quite easy - if you downloaded it, you can’t refund.

Now there’s the justification that you already got the samples and could do whatever you want with them - they are sample-based instruments after all. And furthermore you can watch the walkthrough videos and listen to sample pieces to get an impression.

And that’s just silly. What did they promise me for eDNA Earth? Thousands of of interesting presets. The walkthrough video seemed interesting, I watched it. I knew what the software can be roughly expected to do. What I couldn’t know: The presets accompanying it sound all alot the same. Lots and lots of slow-evolving sounds, kind of drone-ish. There was no true variety. It does mostly one thing. Try gleaming that from a video intended to market it.

And that’s something you find out by trying things. Since this is a Kontakt instrument they probably could have encrypted the samples or definitely have made a demo you can fool around with. But they didn’t.

I didn’t take to social media to vent my frustration. I didn’t have the heart for it, seeing how people had behaved on previous occasions. I just chalked it up as a loss and learning experience.

Fanboy Defense #1: It’s all there in the EULA.

This is indeed correct, but the first question is - why should we defend them for refusing refunds? I think this no-refund policy actually penalizes people who are willing to put down money for their products in the first place. Why do we defend this circumventing of good consumer protection practices?

Fanboy Defense #2: You should have read the manual.

People on a forum (KVR Audio) were acting like reading the manual of a Spitfire Product is an eye-opening revelation that would have prevented any mistakes from being made.

I read the manual for the nearly-a-thousand-bucks BBC Symphonic Orchestra Pro. At 43 pages it isn’t very informative! I couldn’t even ascertain whether the Leader microphones meant you could use the section leaders as soloists, in fact the manual gave me the opposite impression - that they just make the group sound smaller. (Not true.)

Out of these 43 pages a lot is installation and such and the topic of available articulations, techniques, etc is basically handled in 5 pages of plain lists at the end. There is no level of detail here, and pointing to such a manual and claiming this will answer your questions is... bollocks.

Fanboy Defense #3: They do walkthrough videos, really detailed ones.

They do! Often really impressive, highlighting the strengths of each product. But also a marketing tool, so they won’t tell you what it can’t do, it’s always obviously good for everything, too. All is fair in marketing!

But this is where it gets highly annoying - it’s not only the fanboys who voice that this is enough. They are repeating SA’s stated policy back to you. And it’s a weak one - because a marketing video is at odds with the idea of fully informing you.

Having said that, another user helped me out with my questions about section Leader mikes and the walkthrough of BBCSO shows how to use them to solo the section leader. You can gleam a lot of information about what a thing can do from their walkthrough video.

But... try to find out what it cannot do? That’s detective work.

Fanboy Defense #4: All other orchestral vendors do it too.

This is... just facepalm territory. You can’t call out something bad because nobody does it better.

Fanboy Defense #5: There’s no way to protect the samples.

Well, it seems like Kontakt has a way. (eDNA Earth, for example, is a Kontakt library.) You can encrypt samples. (Cue fanboys: “NOOOO. I don’t want encrypted samples!!” I’m talking about a demo here.) This is an industry requiring multiple authentication solutions to exist on your computer, which watermarks your samples to prevent piracy, which requires USB dongles, logging into online accounts, and what not.

And you tell me they can’t do a demo that protects their intellectual property? In the age of DRM? I would be willing to accept DRM in a demo if it leads to both sides winning - the customer can try before buying, and SA protects its IP. Fine with me, nobody has to use the demo after all.

Case in point: BBSCO Discovery is beautiful demo of the basic capabilities of BBCSO. It actually excited me about the library. Can I try every feature? No. Can I collect my own impression? Yes. And there’s a good chance I will upgrade it on their next sale. Both can win - SA and me. Why not always this way? (This one doesn’t even require DRM or sample encryption, so that’s an awesome bonus.)

Conclusion

And much more would be possible. Maybe if we stop drinking the industry’s Kool Aid they would actually improve their offers in these regards too. They are, after all, there to earn our money. That is their purpose.

I don’t fault them for wanting to earn money. I am aware they put a lot of work in to make quality products. They should get fair compensation.

But that doesn’t shield them from all criticism in areas where they are clearly lacking. Unfair marketing practices need to be called out. Refund policies undermining basic consumer rights because they can get away with it (thanks, politics!) need to be called out.

You need to be able to at least voice your frustration or annoyance without being belittled by a rabid horde of fanboys. Love the products all you want, and I sure don’t hate them, either! I just find things worthy of criticism and criticize them. They can continue making great products without these policies. Why find ever new ways of saying “No, this is really great! (Except for you.) They shouldn’t change anything! (Especially not for your benefit.)”

People who bring criticism are not saying a product or company is shit. They are saying something is not right here. I have no idea what the fanboys get out of their behavior - is it a self-righteous validation? Or is their identity so tied into a product that any criticism is taken personal? These are companies, folks. They want to make money. They need checks and balances from the consumer side because clearly no one else will do it apparently.

As I said: Love the products. Enjoy your purchases. Make great music. But don’t hate on people who disagree or run afoul of a corporate policy.

#spitfire audio #fl studio #image-line #fanboys #music-making #opinion

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