#it autocorrected to Christ and like... sure

[so-make-the-moon]

I can't handle these new Chris pictures I'm going to lose my god damn mind

[artbyblastweave]

Gideon the Ninth Liveread, Chapter 8

We get our first interior description of Canaan house, and it’s a house house; decorations, (in particular occluded paintings!) and other creature comforts long since fallen to ruin.  Space opera and gothic horror rolled up in one. I’m now very very sure of my kneejerk reaction that First and Ninth houses are being positioned as foils; both houses depopulated, kept isolated from outside intervention by fiat. The Ninth drilling into a massive pit, the First ascending in a big fuck-off tower to the heavens. The main difference being that the Ninth are zealous to the point of collapse, which you could frame as a sort of death of personality, but Gideon frames the religious zealotry of the First House priests as placid, robotic, almost indistinguishable from the servitors in their demeanor, and revulsion of all things Ninth aside, she seems to subtly view this as worse. Only Teacher looks alive; for better or worse, that absolutely isn’t an error you could make about the still-living population of Ninth House. 

During the prayer sequence, Ianthe and the Seventh Cav (whose name my computer keeps trying to autocorrect to Petroleum) are notably called out as not reciting the prayer. This is a point in Ianthe’s favor for me. Petroleum, though, is in a different boat; this chapter keeps calling attention to the fact that he does nothing unprompted; not sitting, not slapping Dulcinea’s back, not praying. I’m beginning to think that he’s some kind of necromantic construct, or else has been significantly augmented. I’m also starting to suspect that Dulcinea’s big entrance may have been staged, because he did move to attack Gideon unprompted before Dulcinea “stopped” him.

“I pray the rock is never rolled away.” Parallels to the resurrection of that one guy that one time. The one the Italians nailed up, you know, him. They’ve got an antijesus in that tomb, I reckon.

Interesting that in the ring distribution scene, they skip from the second and third houses all the way up to the seventh, and then the narration jumps the eighth right to Gideon; this is either Gideon's narration, focusing on who Gideon finds interesting (Second House has the cohorts!) or else the narrator giving me a little hint about who's gonna survive the obvious incipient cast herd thinning. Given the Ortus thing, I'm betting on the former; someone Gideon didn't care enough about to mention in the first wave of name drops is going to become extremely important later, to the extent that anyone in a group of seventeen can’t be important.

SO the wording of Teacher’s spiel is interesting because it’s the first indication we get of what The Emperor is like as a guy. (And he IS Just Some Guy; I know that much, that’s what drew me to the books, the hilarity of God being Just Some Guy.) The other Lyctors are the ones who want new Lyctors, if we're to believe Teacher; the current proceedings are the result of them finally getting through to him after a very long time.  I've picked up enough about the Emperor from tumblr that this could either be a true reflection of his petty grief impeding things, or a cover story to make him look sympathetic; but either way, Teacher is telling everyone in the room that The Emperor fucked up. He isn’t using those words, but that’s the shape of the facts as described. The wording leans heavily on God As Kind Of Like Us to make the error sympathetic; but my first reaction is, Christ, You mean your God is mopey to the point of impediment?!

Okay, so this is a boarding school plot. I stand by my earlier assessment that the basic shape of this narrative is violently, virulently transmissible in all directions, to any kind of AU you want. Dollars to donuts there will be a prom later.

So Lyctorhood is a trial-and-error sort of thing. Teacher is such a funny little guy. He’s interesting to me because he’s clearly leaning on the Wonka/Yoda/trickster-mentor archetype, but he’s doing so from an obvious position of massive institutional power (one shaped like the Catholic Chuch, no less!) Wonka can get away his bit because despite running the factory he’s convincingly painted by the narrative as a misunderstood maverick holding the line against the real institutional forces, and even then he’s often dragged as being a capitalist serial killer. Yoda can get away with it because Yoda is at rock-bottom, is kind of a dick, and already demonstrated enough of a fall from institutional power that you get the sense he’s mixing it up a bit, trying something new to see if that works better. But this guy is literally just a catholic priest! He can’t convincingly do this bit when we already have such a mass of knowledge about what the system that he’s mouth piecing for is like!

I'm getting extremely dehumanizing vibes from the "Bed-at-the-foot-of-the-bed" bit in the Ninth’s Quarters. Gideon is framed like a dog, or beast of burden. As is Protesilaus. "I know what befalls cavaliers," indeed.

And in the final scene of the chapter, Gideon overhears the skeletons pushing all the dropships off the landing platforms, and then she goes to sleep. Is this protocol that she was briefed on? Is this something more sinister? That seems like a deliberately overdramatic way of slamming the door shut behind everyone. What do shuttles cost?

Last note- I really, really like the description of drinking hot tea. That is in fact how it feels. Cauterized taste buds indeed. Lotsa verisimilitude on this one.

[nerves-nebula]

i think it'd be accurate to say that i type the way I think more so than I type the way I talk (depending on multiple circumstances and if i'm attempting to be eloquent or just shooting the shit) it's true that idiosyncrasies of my speech leach into both speaking and typing because there's overlap in all modes of communication however my speech is often incredibly disorganized, with me failing to remember the correct words to the point of giving up in a frustrated garble of noise. and me rearranging the chronology of words. and me performing so many various errors and spoonerism so as to make my thoughts completely incomprehensible to my conversation partner.

and that simply doesn't happen as much online or even through frantic texts (the latter of which is prone to misguided autocorrects about as much as it's able to let me get my point across.)

I often think about this, because my internal monologue isn't always consistent in its contents or delivery, but i'm almost never as eloquent aloud as i am in my mind. (I believe this is the case with most people, i'm not claiming to be unique) for some reason my mouth can't push out the words in the way i mean them. my vocabulary escapes me the moment i try to speak it aloud. while writing this ive only had to look up one or two of the words here to make sure it was right. the rest came to me naturally, but i know that had I attempted to speak this entire thing aloud it would have been garbled with frantic unattractive pauses here and there and i likely would've given up after confusing one of the longer words for another.

and maybe its only because I have the time to think, and when i speak in daily life its often a blurted frantic attempt to communicate needs, desires, and opinions. whereas here i can ruminate on my thoughts and just mull them over, so there's no need to rush.

sorry wait i'm reading this back now and why did i write this like humbert humbert. fuck. alright boys shut it down, i think im not gonna try to be eloquent when talking about my feelings for a while jesus christ.

[that-onecrazy-fangirl]

Y’all…..either the universe hate me, or there really enough story about it😭😭😭

Can I PLEASE just find a story where athanasia have a sibling, ( WHO CAME FROM THE SAME MOTHER ) and please….just PLEASE don’t let the (oc siding) get pick because they was interesting to Claude, while leaving athy alone to lily ( my Lily here to save the day😌), who athy have a good bond with, and athy becomes friend with jennette and also Luca ( and maybe whitey boy?? ) Athansia ALSO shouldn’t die in ‘mysterious way’ I don’t want there to be any romance ( a HUGE no, except for the Claude and Diana past or their love story ) I just want a story where Athansia and jennette just have a siding/friend who they can rely on at anytime (😭) because you know how Claude says ‘he sure he won’t Christ any other child unless Athanasia spilt into two’……So what if that came true, and athy was born with a twin or just a siding who look like her(or their mother) and they been together and had a good bond since diapers. Because I want to make a story about it but I can’t make one because I never made a story in my life, and I have so many typo even autocorrect don’t understand what I’m trying to say😭😭 ( if there a story like this, please be a saver and send me a link😭🙏🏽)

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

8:17 pmpdt 11 April 2023 Tuesday

Wow. I guess everything IS a lie. Spine pain 😖😭. No hope for a future. He keeps attacking me with acid. Diarrhea tummy ache green auto save saw through keyboard ⌨️ a minute ago. He keeps showing me signs 🪧 with time big bit. I guess I AM going to bite the dust in a big way. There really is nothing to fight for. Nick Carter is going to win. My body is going to be completely eaten away by acid. 8:22 pmpdt wow. Prostitution and human s*x trafficking will continue. Framing of people who did nothing will continue. And no one will care. Q intentionally wanted me with Scott who she thought 💭 was bad, and still decided she wanted me with him instead of a real nice guy. 8:25 pmpdt seems like I’m never going to win anything. 8:25 pmpdt left foot 🦶 bone 🦴 pain 8:26 pmpdt 😖😭 I guess I’m not trust worthy. 8:27 pmpdt

12:01 am pdt what is a holy grail? King 🤴 Arthur looked /searched for it. Holy = virtuous. I read it might be the cup? Plate? Jesus Christ used in the last supper. Mrs. Davis Tv show commercial. Taza = cup? In Spanish. Tazo = tea 🫖 brand. If you look 👀 at languages some words are borrowed and transliterated? T becomes D or vice versa?? F’s <-> p’s. S<-> z ??????? Spanish assigns genders to things with o’s and a’s. Some a’s sound like o’s? E’s sound like a’s. 12:08 am pdt I want to look 👀 at (scalp sharp pain 12:08 am pdt) how far back words like ooyasuminasai go in nihongo, Bcz it’s very similar to Greek. So I wonder 💭 if this goes very far back maybe 2000 years? With the apocalypse being written in the Bible, and John writing letters to churches ⛪️ and it said to a church ⛪️ in Asia Minor? I don’t remember where that is. I wonder then if Greeks went to Japan 🇯🇵. 12:11 am pdt 12:12 am pdt

1:59 am pdt there’s news 📰 that a man 👨 is running around grabbing women by the genitals. That’s probably been happening for years in Berkeley Bcz I heard a similar thing when I was there, sometime btwn 2008-2009? Makes me wonder 💭 if all he or they been doing is grabbing and then letting of and running 🏃‍♂️ away, makes me think 💭 it could almost be like a frat dare. 2:02 am pdt

I think a stabbing also happened at a frat party around that time. 2:03 am pdt

6:01 pmpdt 6:02 pmpdt brains 🧠 storming all things that probably (autocorrect: should don’t won’t) should have helped: collection and separation of food scraps for composting at all residents and businesses, mandatory recycling at all locations of every material, more forest 🌳 maintenance year round for forest renewal and composting. 6:08 pmpdt I felt another large chunk of bone 🦴 was taken from me and now I walk differently. I m feeling delusional? About it to cope with it, but I’m sure the truth will hit me hard when I hear it and when the big thing will actually happen to me. I’m not looking forward to it. It started when I was 32 years old even though my paternal grandmother 👵 had my uncle when she was 35 years old and my mother’s sister had her daughter when she was ≈40-42 years old (I remember it was 42 she said? But I doubt myself so margin of error going back to 40 years old 6:12 pmpdt). Menopause can happen starting early 30’s. 6:13 pmpdt last gynecologist in 2018? Said I was ok 👌. Didn’t mention menopause at all. 6:13 pmpdt if my hip bone 🦴 suddenly needs help I will consider all health professionals unprofessional and negligent. 6:14 pmpdt and I will have to have them investigated for conspiracy and 👀look for who put them up to the negligence. Was it Cano? Was it Brendan Lean? Was it incubus (Adam Noah Levine)? Are we still in denial of god’s existence and going to play this game? Role playing? Or are they going to say it to my face like my aunt? Either way I’m a loser. I lose my bones 🦴 then I’m a loser and I probably did an unnecessary favor for those who don’t deserve it. Nick carter should not go to court. We should let him run free! And find his next victims without impediment? Maybe she will be someone rich 🤑? Maybe he’ll be smart and attack someone he can actually get money 💰 from? You don’t know what you got til it’s gone they paved paradise and put up a parking lot 🎶🎼🎵🎤 6:19 pmpdt

6:23 pmpdt was it only rich women who wore corsets? I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ much. 6:23 pmpdt

[mistressofmice]

i know im real and take up space in this house in this room on this block in this body but im not fucking real i don’t exist to anyone at all I don’t know if it’s main character syndrome or some demented form of solipsism but im not real and im going to live forever even if i know i won’t, like i understand i exist but i know no one will hear me even if i post every thought and feeling and desire to this stupid platform or scamper out onto my rooftop and scream my disgusting fucking voice out, no one will read this shit or it’ll probably get deleted and even now im sitting here like always editing a post that was supposed to otherwise be rambly and uninterpretable and who fucking cares anymore? the creative passion is gone and im trying too hard to make this poetic and god dammit can i just allow myself to be myself for once even if no one wants to fucking hear me

i guess what im trying to say is that i know my actions affect others but at the same time i feel so teeny tiny and unwanted (can i keep a single train of thought on the rails?) that like even now as i type all this gibberish out for other people (probably no one) to read it’s so difficult for me to imagine anyone at all reading it all and not thinking “jesus fucking christ steer clear of her” so maybe i should just like kill myself? you can still type that on tumblr right? i know it makes autocorrect upset

anyways im sure im not even that unique haha, im sure everyone’s inner monologue is super similar to mine. you know what im saying, right?

i swear im real

[skruttet]

no I don’t sometimes look at gutsy employee’s social medias to see if they accidentally post anything about s3 dunno what you’re talking about 👀💧

[leupagus]

A bit from 🍆? Super funny

It's been a zany few days but I want to finish answering all these lovely asks for the WIP meme!

-

TED THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

SEND ME A DICK PIC

With the benefit of some hindsight, and one of Mae's bar towels, Ted can reflect a moment and admit to himself that he ought to've waited until after he'd finished his swig of beer before checking his messages.

"All right, darling?" Mae asks, wiping off her counter with another towel. She doesn't look too judgy about it; likely any number of folks have spit up worse on this premesis over the years.

"Got a, uh, surprising communique," he explains, but she's already off to the other end of the bar, refilling someone else's drinks. Fair enough.

Ted checks the timestamp; Sassy only sent the message a few minutes ago.

I don't think there's a lot of emergencies can be solved by sending someone pictures of genitalia.

I'm out with this arsehold and he's saying that uncircumcised men have smaller dicks

As sorry as I am that you're holding someone's "arse," I'm not sure how I can help clarify this predicament in which you find yourself.

Fucking autocorrect THAT'S NOT THE POINT, YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A DRAFT HORSE

Saying "thank you" does, I'll admit, feel like a weird response here.

It's not like I'm asking you to whip it out right now, just send me an old one

An old what exactly? I'm more lost than those folks on the island with the… actually I couldn't follow that show even long enough to make a joke about it.

AN OLD DICK PIC

CHRIST TED YOU NEED TO FOCUS

I don't have any, old or young or middle-aged.

……….

…………….

……………………….

WHAT

THAT DICK IS BEAUTIFUL

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING GLAMOUR SHOTS???

TED

MY DEAREST IDIOT

Next time I'm in town we're doing a photoshoot.

Ted carefully puts his phone away and finishes his drink and his meal. He likes Sassy a whole lot, but of all the British people he doesn't understand, he doesn't understand her — well, she's in the top ten. Or twenty, maybe.

[davekatzdefensesquad]

shitposts i made on my phone for no reason but maybe they’d make a good song/chapter title or sentence starter

What the hell’s a gouda panini? 

These are the questions that haunt me

How’d you get so funny? more under the cut

please, please let me

actions have consequences? more likely than you think!

that’s how you get the rona

jesus christ on a pogo stick

perish

im not doing well but thanks for asking

autocorrect got me sent to the ER

i just stared down my dog for ten minutes straight so i think we’re on the same wavelength

as the old saying goes: ew, and also, no

all we are is dust in the bin

having an existential crisis on the toilet mid poop is all i’ve done this week by fall out boy

what if someone lived in my basement without me knowing?

can we stop pretending i’m ugly?

i know what i’m talking about! i’m in therapy.

how many calories are in childhood trauma? 

i won’t apologize for being so sad

you’re hotter than me but we’re identical twins

i’ve come to the conclusion that men aren’t funny 

i was thinking about asking if you wanted anything from the store but then i remembered i’m kind of awkward in public and didn’t want people thinking i ate healthy food

sorry i smoked all your weed

i wonder if there’s people turned on by pitchforks

someone ate my banana bread and i’m really about to lose my shit

hooked on sonic

too many flaws, not enough time to fix them

i love you more than i love finding money in coat pockets that i forgot i owned

etsy for men

i’m probably overreacting byt i’m not sure what to do about that mid freak-out, okay?

the moose is loose on the field

i have a talent for going to bed peacefully after a horror movie marathon

how did you get your mom to stop trying to hook you up with her boss’ son?

i didn’t spend nine years on tumblr just to talk about captain america’s butt

don’t talk to me if you’re gonna lie about all this sexual tension

hey, siri? how can i get my feelings out of my life?

i had a crush on my spanish teacher who kind of looked like a gopher

when i see a man using pinterest, i slow clap for about 45 seconds in his honor

when in doubt, pick c

not enough meth in the world to get me over him

i can’t poop in the woods! i’m shy!

i’m not allowed back at subway

i love ice cream but it doesn’t love me back

injured in a mosh pit? i can help!

i’m not really scared of being dead, i just don’t want it to hurt or be embarrassing, know what i mean?

how to fight off the advances of the ghost boy in my basement

i think about that guy who was killed by a turtle entirely too often to not be a descendant or something

i done fucked up: a mystery told in two parts

i wonder if all computer teachers escaped hell together

all those dryer settings and you chose to be stuck on permanently pressed

i wasn’t being rude, i was being extra

why does my poop smell like carrots

is this depression or food poisoning?

heaven is overrated

a redder shade of neck on a whiter shade of trash

[smollestnerd]

XigXem SFW Headcanons

I love doing these to get ideas for headcanons I wouldn’t normally consider, and since I finished filling these out today I thought I’d share! Borrowed from the @otp-imagines-cult post here!

(Just a heads-up, this is a messy mashup of canon-compliant and modern au headcanons)

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other?

Xemnas spends so much money on Xigbar. He doesn't even try to say no at this point, he knows Xig will get his way.

Xigbar sometimes feels guilty about how much Xemnas spends on him, but those feelings fade as soon as Xem comes back from shopping with bags full of gifts for Xig.

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap?

Xigbar sleeps in Xemnas’s lap. It's rare that it's the other way around, usually only if Xem is extremely tired or upset (he'll fall asleep while being comforted and held of course).

3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes?

They both do. Well, Xigbar runs around HALF naked, Xemnas is just full frontal at any given point if they’re home alone. Xig will tell him to cover up, but he doesn't ever mean it.

When they have guests, Xigbar is fully clothed 100% of the time. Xemnas, though? There’s always at least a 10% chance he’ll forget wearing a shirt is a thing people expect from him. Everyone is either too afraid or horny to tell him to put one on, thus the responsibility falls on Xigbar to tell him. (Again, about a 10% chance he’ll “forget” to tell him to put on a shirt.)

4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway?

Bold of you to assume they both don't have 11pm bedtimes.

But every so often Xemnas will lose himself in his work and suddenly it's 3am.

5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies?

Xigbar is forbidden from cooking anything that isn't microwaveable.

Xemnas's fallback career was fancy chef if “Superior of the In-Between” didn’t work out.

6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”?

Neither, but only because neither of them are very online. I think if they were though, Xemnas would see their relationship in everything but not say anything out loud. He just smiles to himself and moves on.

7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes?

Xigbar is an accomplished hoodie thief. Xemnas wears Xig’s croptops sometimes to work out in, but always returns them when he's done.

8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?”

Xemnas is usually the one running errands, but he rarely forgets anything on the list. Xigbar always asks if he remembered everything, though, just to soothe his own anxiety, and quietly hoping to catch Xemnas slipping up so he has something to tease about.

9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions?

Xigbar drives ever since Xemnas got his license suspended for running too many red lights.

Or; Xig drives like a maniac and Xem is just so used to it he doesn't even bother to insist on driving anymore (unless he's the designated driver, which usually he is). Xem is lowkey surprised Xig has a clean driving record.

10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws?

Xemnas poses, Xigbar draws. Xig’s had plenty of lifetimes to perfect his hobbies, and even though he hasn't had time for them in a while, it doesn't take long for him to get back into the swing of things. What better way to capture his lover's radiance than through charcoal drawings and oil paints?

Plus, Xemnas absolutely adores the attention. He just basks in the glory of another being finding him beautiful enough to immortalize on canvas.

11: If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips?

I want to say Xemnas is the super cool backflip guy and Xigbar is the one with the chips, but honestly? It's the other way around. Xig likes to show off in front of his man, and who could blame him?

12: Which one of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stop drinking?

Xemnas overdoes it. He doesn't drink nearly as often as Xigbar does, so he doesn't exactly know his limits. Xig tries to keep his eye on him and make sure he doesn't drink too much, but unfortunately Xem is REALLY good at acting sober, so Xig never realizes Xem has overdone it until its too late.

He takes really good care of Xemnas, though, no matter how drunk he is himself.

13: Which one likes to surprise the other with a lot of small random gifts?

Xemnas and Xigbar both surprise each other quite often. Xigbar gives Xemnas little things like seashells and shiny baubles he finds on missions/outings that he thinks Xemnas will like for his office shelves. Xemnas sends Xigbar flowers when he senses Xig having a bad day, and buys him every new book that Xigbar expresses even a passing interest in.

14: Which one keeps accidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own?

Xemnas. He's definitely the romantic here. He's got an Entire Notebook filled with different combinations of their names squashed together.

Xigbar is lowkey terrified of major commitment. He'd say yes if proposed to of course, but he'd never offer himself up like that.

15: Which one screams about the spider and which one brings the spider outside?

Xemnas saves it, Xigbar just squishes it. Neither are afraid but they have different approaches to dealing with bugs.

16: Which one gives the other their jacket?

On most cold days you can find Xigbar wearing a too-big leather coat and Xemnas in naught but a t-shirt or turtleneck.

17: Who keeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling?

Ansem tried. He tried so hard. But he severely underestimated Xigbar’s resistance to intimidation tactics.

18: Who’s the first one to admit they have feelings for the other?

Xemnas. He planned out a whole mega-elaborate date for the two of them, and confessed his love for Xigbar.

Xigbar: "Wait we weren't dating already??"

19: How good would your OTP be at parenting?

They would make fantastic fathers, they'd care about their kids so much. But christ alive that household would be chaotic as all fuck.

20: Which one types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters?

Xemnas used to type with perfect grammar and spelling until he learned about text lingo. "It's more efficient, Xigbar, I am a busy man and don't have time to type everything out." It's a damn lie, though, he just thinks it's neat.

Hell will freeze over the day that Xemnas uses an emoji.

Xigbar relies on emojis and autocorrect and if it doesn't catch a typo or he sends the wrong emoji, “Oh well.”

21: Who gets attacked by a bully and who protects them?

The bully gets attacked by them.

22: Who makes the bad puns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun?

Xigbar is the pun king. Genuinely funny. “10/10 would hear again.” -Xemnas, probably

Xemnas tries sometimes, bless his soul. Xigbar just doesn't have it in him to tell him they're bad.

23: Who comes home from work to see that the other one bought a puppy?

To Xigbar's dismay, this has happened more than once. He's the dad that is against the pet but ends up loving it, and Xemnas just can't resist bringing home strays.

They have 2 big dogs, a little dog, and a cat, and have fostered a few puppies and old, sickly cats here and there.

24: Which one gives the other a piggyback ride when they’re tired?

When Xemnas gets too drunk to stand, Xigbar will give him a piggyback ride, but he never tells him the next day. Xemnas is too prideful and would be very ashamed to hear of it. Plus, Xigbar kinda likes keeping those moments between them to himself; like a secret he’s keeping safe for a special occasion.

Xigbar will ask for piggyback rides all the time, and Xemnas is happy to indulge him.

25: Which one competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealous cheering?

When Xemnas cheers for Xigbar, it's less overzealous and more normal cheering, it's just that Xemnas' voice is booming and carries over the rest of the crowd with ease.

(Don’t ask me what competitive activity Xigbar does, for I Do Not Know)

26: Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder?

They both do. The main difference is that Xemnas focuses the camera on Xigbar, and Xigbar gets them both fully in the shot.

27: Which one would give the other a makeover if they asked?

Both of them would be willing to give the other a makeover, but neither of them have asked.

But! Xemnas does Xigbar’s makeup sometimes, and Xigbar has bought his own style of clothes for Xemnas on a few occasions, just to see what he’d look like.

(Unrelated sidenote: they have matching onesies with cat ears and a tail that Xigbar refuses to wear unless he has to, or unless Xem asks him while Xig is wasted)

28: Which one owns a pet that the other is absolutely terrified of?

Before they moved in together, Xigbar refused to go inside Xemnas's house unless his husky was in the backyard. He got used to her over time, and now Xemnas sometimes comes home to them asleep cuddling on the couch.

Xemnas was never actually afraid of Xigbar's beloved corn snake, but he wasn't a fan either. He’d hold him, but he wasn’t thrilled about it.

29: Which one holds the umbrella over both of them when it rains?

Xemnas holds the umbrella, Xigbar holds the Xemnas

30: If your OTP went on vacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take the pictures?

In a canon setting they’d go worldhopping for a week, but in a modern au they'd take trips every year to cities and small remote locations around the world.

They've never been properly camping though. Xemnas refuses.

Their first trip together was small, just to a little known beach on the west coast. They lounged on the beach most of the time, and every night they ate at a different food truck. The last night they were there Xemnas surprised Xigbar with reservations for the fanciest 5-star restaurant in the city.

Xigbar thought he took all the pictures until he was going through them after the trip, only to find over half the memory card filled with photos of himself that Xemnas took when he wasn't looking

[snexy-the-snail]

4am Hot Garbage, Read it while its Hot

Thank you Autocorrect for changing all 'Mr.Starks' to 'Mr.Sharks' and the warmly accepted Mr.Scrubs ))

Peter should've listened to his spider sense. That was the only thought bitterly looping through his head at the moment. 

He just thought it had been a false alarm considering nothing happened on his way to school, at school or halfway to the tower. 1 mile away that's when it happened. If he had swung he wouldn't be here. 

Currently he was gagged, tied up and blindfolded in some place that was annoyingly quiet. Normally his spidey powers would catch the tiniest of noises, but thanks to whatever the hell they made him swallow he was basically normal again.

His spider sense stayed, or maybe that was just knowing he had been kidnapped. He huffs to himself and tries yet again to break his binds, having no luck. 

'The one time I don't pack my suit'

He wished they wouldn't have gagged him, he wanted to let his displeasure be known thank you very much. 

He wriggles around pulling at his binds yet again, hoping to find a sudden weakness or randomly get his powers back and yet, nothing. 

A loud bang in the distance maked him perk up quickly however. Did Mr.stark notice he was gone? Were the Avengers here or was it just Mr.Stark? It was probably just his mentor,  he was pretty sure the others were on some mission somewhere top secret. 

There were gunshots further away and he knew he heard the pattering of feet running towards the mess. God he missed being able to see...and talk. 

Hearing the iron suit was always a godsend, but today he felt like crying. He was tired, hungry and definitely needed one of Mr.starks 'I'm not hugging you' hugs.

"Kid? You here kid? Damnit, Jarvis put all power in a sweep." 

Mr.stark was so close. He felt his heart drop at the idea of being left behind thanks to the stupid gag. So yes he started squirming around and doing just best to make as much noise as possible. 

Peter wasn't sure if it had been his wriggling or Jarvis but the sound of a repulsors blowing a door off its hinge indicated that one of them worked. He gleefully wriggled, trying to explain to Mr.stark what happened, that stopped when he realized none of it made sense due to being muffled.

"Christ kid they got you good." 

The suit disengaging filled the silence, Peter hoping he was looking at his mentor when he looked to the footsteps. 

His spider sense was still strumming under his skin like an electric current or a partially loud purring his cat. He couldn't bother focusing on that when Mr.Stark was right there. 

The amount of safety he felt when he felt a calloused hand on his cheek was overwhelming. It was Mr.Stark and he had come for him. He let a shaky breath out and leaned into the touch. 

Moment was completely ruined with the sounds of shouts coming from somewhere down the hall, Mr.Stark cursing under his breath soon joining the noise. 

Peter mourned the feeling of his mentor's hand on his cheek, but got over it quickly when he felt his binds being worked on.

"I didn't want it to come to this kid," 

Peter could practically hear the grimace in the tone. Whatever they had used for binds on his ankles snapped. He never felt more free. 

He made an awkward muffled noise that he hoped sounded like a 'what'

"Long story short, you're going to feel some weird things, but I promise kid you're going to be safe, got it?" Mr.Stark said it so matter of factly Peter couldn't help but to nod. 

It couldn't be that bad right? The blinds on his hands snapped, leaving Peter to sigh in relief. He rubbed his wrists thankfully only pausing when he felt his mentors hand on his shoulder, the other one gently taking the gag off. 

Finally speaking privileges. 

"Mr.Stark-whats happening? Who kidnapped me, what are you going to do-'' Peter made a disgruntled noise when Mr.Stark shushed him. He was mildly shocked at how loud it had been for a shush, and he could hear the voices more clearly! Maybe he was getting some of his powers back? God he hoped so.

He reached for the blindfold, frowning when something large gently tapped his hand away. It didn't feel like a hand..but it had to be. 

"Leave it on for now." Mr.Stark says quietly. Peter wasn't going to question the rush of heat he felt with that. It was well welcomed after all. 

"Weird...um why?" He asks, hoping it didn't sound like whining. Something curled around his waist, and carefully lifted him up. He started to struggle, a bit panicked. Was he being kidnapped again? 

"Mr.Stark?" He squeaks out, grasping whatever was holding him. 

"It's me kid, don't panic." 

There was that warmth again...but if it was Mr.Stark that meant it was safe. It had to be, Mr.Stark wouldn't hurt him. His spider sense dulled slightly which helped a bit with the anxiousness. 

The shouting was getting louder which he didn't appreciate. He was too busy focused on that he almost missed it when his legs were engulfed in heat. He jerks back in surprised more than anything else. 

"Mr.Stark?" 

He yelps when the support around his waist left and he slid into the warm wet cavern. Where they going through the sewers? He squirms anxiously and reaches for his blind fold to figure out what the hell was happening. The whole world shifted suddenly causing him to face plant into the ground. It was slick and constantly twitching. 

His unease grew more. 

The thing gently moved him back, something his spider sense went absolutely nuts about. It had been any worse he probably would've passed out.

"I- Mr.stark? I don't know where I am!" 

He says hating how shrill his tone sounded. He didn't want to panic but everything was very panic worthy. 

A loud noise made his ears pop, and it wasn't until he was sucked into something tight that he realized exactly what the noise was. That  was swallowing. He was in something or somebody's throat.

He struggled in mute horror as another swallowed pulled him down with ease, like his struggles meant nothing. He let a panicked wheeze out as he dropped into a larger chamber. 

"Mr.stark!?" He wails, ripping his blindfold off the second he regained control of his body. He was in a stomach with acids. He was going to die if he didnt get out. He struggled to stand, slipping on his face a few times before resigning to stay on his knees. Where was sticky powers when  you needed them?

The only answer he got was the stomach gurgling unhappily, and the sudden rush of air that filled whoever's lungs. It was almost like a sigh. 

Peter didn't have time to even struggle before the person started sprint, their lungs washing and their heart rate slowly speeding up. 

They were running, but from what? Peter's dazed mind managed to process the muffled sounds of voices, which cleared that up. The person was running from those people.

The haze was still there but he had connected that he was currently inside his mentor. He was behind several layers of muscle snugly tucked away inside the man he considered to be a father figure. What did that matter if he was going to die, was he going to die? Mr.Stark wouldn't purposely kill him, he just wouldn't. 

"I- mr.Stark? I-is….is it- I'm in you!?" he manages to choke out. He hadn't realized he had been holding back tears until now. He was terrified, he was just a kid. He didn't want to die yet. He didn't want to die alone either.

"Give me a sec kid- runnings a bitch with the rector"

It was wheezed out but it was a reply. Tony was calm about this, he wasn't panicking about Peter being in a place that could kill him.

Another thing that stuck him silent was the fact that Tony's voice came from everywhere it even made the stomach vibrate slightly. 

This was Mr.Stark, this all was Mr.Stark. The muscle rippled around him, lulling him from his shock. He had a thousand questions but they were going to have to wait. He took a deep breath and tried to get settled. 

His spider sense slowly dulled down, making him slump in exhaustion. He hadn't realized how wound up he was until everything sorta calmed down. He wasn't sleepy, nope he was wide awake, but all his energy had been sapped from his body. 

This was an ideal place to take a breather, sure it was hot, terrifies, dark and a bit disgusting but it was safe. 

Whoever wanted him had to literally go through Mr.Stark. 

[sapphicgarlic]

Cidixjsjzisi yes I meant Christmas but my autocorrect is insane 😂😂 and aaaaaa I’m so excited!!! I thought tumblr ate my ask or something. Thank you for doing this!!! And for Christmas i just got some money and jewellery

sooo, i did post it already but got really self concious and deleted it sjsjsjsj 🙃 BUT GONNA PUT IT DOWN HERE IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED!

classic my brother’s best friend ahead!

Being the youngest have it´s pros -- always being the little angel one in the family, the one that people love to be around because “isn´t she a sweetheart?” and being a little more spoiled than your older sibilings. And Y/N knows, she takes advantage of it and uses to get things her way, most of the times, sure, sometimes the power would get the best of her and thrown a tantrum or two. She grown out of it, doesn´t starts to yell when her older brother, Mikael, got her toy. Y/N is a bloody woman now, doesn´t yell -- at least not as often -- like before but sharing a roof with Mikael for the first time in years was getting to her head.

They fought a lot, always screaming at eachother, never were the pair to have those adorable moments when the hug or chat in free will. However, Y/N´s luck, their mom insisted that Y/N tagged along when Mikael went to the movies with his friends or to ride their bikes outside, that way Y/N got to hang out with the “cooler older” gang -- it is just 2 year difference but try to explain that to pre-teen Y/N.

It´s not like she spoke too much with her older brother´s friends, she was in awe all the time, they were so cooler than her, or so she though. And the other main reason of her silence was one of Mikey´s friends, Harry. He wasn´t the big star he is now back then, too lanky and clumsy in the other girl´s eyes but in Y/N? He was a dream to her. A cold breeze on a hot summer afternoon. Just so kind to her, iniciating conversation right when he saw her, laughing at her jokes, didn´t make her feel uncomfortable or anything. She was just her when Harry was around which thankfully was a lot. Mikael seemed to like Harry as much as Y/N did, almost thought he had a crush on the curly boy too.

However, time passed and life got too complicated and they grown apart, mantaining little to no contact almost. Y/N´s crush on Harry evaporaded -- or so she thought-- convinced herself that his charming personality made every person feel special and unique like she felt. Moving to London and starting uni helped her forget about him, she had new people to befriend to have new conversations that didn´t had Harry in the background.

The only problem now was that Y/N wasn´t expecting him to come home, come back to Holmes Chapel. He had just released a new album for Christ´s sake, he was supposed to be busy on some part of the world, not here. Even though she wanted to ignore, her heart skipped a beat and her mind just went blank. What she was supposed to do?

She greeted the few people in the living room, gave a quick hug on Harry, heard about Mikael saying that their mom went out with Gemma and Anne to gather more things to the little party they were having to celebrate the end of the year and that was it. Y/N took advantage of the doorbell ringing, went to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of cheap vodka that her friend gave it to her last week when she was leaving London because “family can be a nightmare sometimes” and ran to her room.

Y/N was very lazy and at that moment she thanked herself for have not unpacked properly earlier because now she could use it as a excuse. Before closing the door she screamed that and began to drink. Now, Y/N knows this is not very healthy nor acceptable, couldn´t she be the big girl that she is and just act normally? Seems that old habits die hard and the little shy girl she was is still in there somehow.

While she drank straight out of the bottle and doing a shitty job at unpacking, Y/N grow tired, tired of acting immature the second she sees Harry, tired of the whole situation. So she went to take a quick nap, dreaming about things could have been in a different universe.

Someone knock on the door and that woke her up, maybe it was her mother, it couldn´t be Mikey -- he already came in without knocking and going out after Y/N told him she was going to take a quick nap.

“Yes, mum, come in.” She mumbles, sitting on the bed, slowly opening her eyes to face Harry instead. When Y/N processes that isn´t the one she was expecting, she just lays down again and stares to the white ceiling.

“Not your mum though.” He closes the door, looking around her old room, going to her direction but not before stumbling a bit. “Oops”

“You are drunk, how great.” Harry was taken back by that comment, wasn´t expecting this hostil comment to be the first she says to him because that ´hi´ she gave him downstairs was as fake as it gets.

“Don´t get to say that when you are in the same boat ´cause that bottle didn´t drink itself.”

“Touché.” Y/N simply replies as Harry makes himself more comfortable, sitting near her. “Why are you here?”

“Mikael said to wake you up, everybody arrived so things are getting started down there. Said you were in a foul mood that why he sen-- Can I lay down? Room is spinning a bit.”

An awkward silence settles in when Y/N scoots to the side so there is a tiny space for Harry. He is extremely close now which makes it even harder for not stare at his face instead of the boring white ceiling and being tired of her own choices,she just caves in.

Nothing is said when they lock eyes, too intraced with each other´s faces to say something.

“Sorry for that. And for ealier too, shouldn´t have done it.”

“Thank you.” He replies giving her a soft smile and Y/N swears that part of her body just melted after that. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Why didn´t you said hi to me downstair?”

“What are you talking about? I said hi, even hugge--”

“No, no. I think you and I know that is bullshit. It was like you were a machine, lovie.” Why he had to throw that per name there? Fuck. “ Am I that bad of a surprise?”

“Just didn´t know how you would react, last year I didn´t come so I just…” Y/N´s line of thought just vanishes, she can´t even finish the sentence. Harry just looked so good right now, his hair looked so shiny and soft, a bit of peach fuss that really compliments his features and his eyes that seemed a little too distracted, wondering around, looking at her face as if they were trying to find something.

“You are silly. Thought I just ignore you and hate you from a far? Or were you waiting for me to come talk to you like I used to do?”

“That´s not true!” She replies, speaking a bit more freely than before and a little more louder. “I used to go talk to you too.” Y/N is lying and she knows that he knows that she knows she is lying, maybe chugging a good amount of vodka wasn´t the brightest idea.

“Thought it was cute” Her faces fall in shock and a second later Harry notices it. “No, no, it wasn´t like you aren´t cute, you look so beau--”

“Y-you thought I was cute?” She jumps the gun, too late to come back now, something about the booze and him being too close wasn´t doing her any good.

“Well, thought it was obvious, love.” Harry laughs nervously, why he was nervous Y/N didn´t know. “Was very oblivious.”

“What?” And to that, Harry laughs lightly. “So you didn´t know?”

“Bullshit, Harry. Is not funny”

“Not kidding, lovie.”

Once again, silence is estabilished between them, however, this time, it feels heavier with the words that didn´t need to be said. Harry scoops over a little more, his gaze changing every second from her eyes and lips as if he was asking for permission and Y/N jumps the gun, once more, connecting her lips to his

The only thing on Y/N´s mind was how soft his lips are, even softer than she imagined some time in the past. Feels just right, like they were always supposed to be like that, kissing in bed, just cut the part where the two were quite drunk. For them, feels like a daydream, too good to be truth.

And in just in a second, Harry´s large hands goes to her back pulling her close which he gains a low hum in response. She, on the other hand, decides to straddle him, sit on his lap would be way more comfortable, Y/N thinks. It was his time to groan from he unexpected weight on his lap, a much appreciated weight.

“Too much?” She asks, a little out of breath and more aware of her movements, his bulge stiffing out of his sweats a little more. Glancing down, the outline of his cock is more visible, making her head go haywire and from the feeling of it, he decided to go commando.

“Perfect.” No more time is wasted, Harry pulling her too eargerly, pressifing a way more needy and hot kiss on her mouth.

Y/N is in heaven, there is no more way to describe it and she can´t help herself to not roll her hips, intensiving the pressure between her hot core to his, now, aching cock. Had it been another situation, she would definitely tease him from getting that hard too quickly, however, she finds it even more stimulating to keep riding him, even if their clothes were still on the way.

Harry bites her lower lip as his hands helps her to continue her movements against him. A heavy breath comes out of her mouth, his lips goes to her jaw and then to her neck where Harry takes his time. Open mouthed kisses and sucking as he pleases, both on cloud nine to care whether he would leave hickeys or not, for all that Y/N cared, Harry could mark her up all he wanted. Fuck, she wants him to touch her, kiss and suck so she could feel him the morning after and the thought of him doing it, makes her even wetter then she already was.

So trapped in each others touches that neither even hear the door being opened.

“Why the fuck you two are taking so lon--” Mikael´´ smile drops dead when he realises what was going on. “What the fuck is going on?”

Their little heaven is shattered noticing that they have been caught and Y/N feels a lump in her throat, quickly getting out of Harry´s lap.

“Mikey..” She breathes going to her brother direction, desperate for anything but receives a cold stare in return.

“Have it, Princess. Everything needs to be ours, right? Fucking have it then”

And just like that, Y/N falls into hell.

[polyolefinprince]

ngl when you tag stuff as "gfc" my brain autocorrects it to gesus fucking christ like im swearing on the goose messiah

maybe i am, you can never be sure

[lizziestudieshistory]

Hey :) 6, 11 and 32 for the studyblr ask game! I hope you have a great day 🤍

Hey! Sorry for the long answers - why say it in one word when 100 will do?!

6. Career Goals?

Currently they’re a little bit vague. I was aiming for a PhD and eventually a career as a historian but I’m not sure after last term, although I think this wobble is because of the effects of Covid than not wanting to be an academic.

Otherwise, I’ll be training as a history teacher most likely - I want to do something directly linked to my degree, which as a history student isn’t the most open of fields. I used to want to be a curator but that’s as likely as my ambitions to be an academic - only one difficult career at a time!

11. Current favourite class and why?

Well, I study part time because of I’m a carer for my mum which means I only take one module each term (plus my thesis). So by default it’s my module on ‘Themes and Approached to the Historial Study of Religious Cultures’. Honestly, it’s a bit rubbish because it’s all political history and they’ve forgotten researching religion should actually involve, you know, religion... I still miss my favourite class from third year of undergrad on ‘Protest, Piety, and the Parish, c.1600-1660′. 

If we’re counting my thesis as a class, that would be it because I haven’t reached the stage where I hate it yet. Currently loving the drama over where to place your communion table.

32. Describe your favourite professor and why you like them. 

My favourite lecturer is still my dissertation supervisor from my undergrad. His name is Dr Chris Langely and he’s slightly...eccentric, but the best lecturer you could ask for. 

He’s passionate about the 17th century, particularly Scotland, but you could ask him anything and he’d give you an answer and a stack of reading you could do (we tested him once with slavery in the Ottoman Empire, his answer was quite impressive!) He is always happy to help his students, well those who actually try - you have to do your own research but he’s there to point you in the right direction. He’d also regularly break the rules to have extra chats about my dissertation and read draft work (our favourite get around was a detailed bullet point plan - you could take out the bullet points and have an essay...) 

He also gave the best feedback - it was actually useful. I’m still in shock! He’s a harsh but fair marker and actually looked to help his students with their weaknesses rather than give generic feedback to half his class. I still love my opening line from my first piece of feed back from him ‘you write with confidence and swagger’ - to this day the best comment someone has ever made for making me cackle and feel better about my academic writing style. 

On top of knowing just about everything, Chris is actually hilarious. Seminars, tutorials, even just meeting him in the corridors often ended up with me and my friends in stitches. Even lecturers were fairly informal and stuffed with sarcastic comments and asides about the week’s theme. Made a few slow weeks a lot more entertaining...

On a silly note, he used to buy me coffee for tutorial (the fastest way into my good graces is through coffee!) Our tutorials were over an hour long and we’d always go to sit in starbucks because he had to share an office with an acient history lecturer who used to get annoyed with us because we got excited over obscure bits of theology. So I got coffee and a great chat about history - what more could you want?

Honestly, he’s a slightly mad, but incredibly intelligent, sweetheart. He cares a lot about his students, especially once you do a dissertation with him - he’ll watch over your career like a hawk until you’re settled in a job (in or outside academia) and he knows you’re okay. He made my whole experience at undergad a little bit better and I genuinely miss our chats about random bits of early modern history. I learnt so much from him and it’s still a bit weird that I can’t just walk over to his office for half an hour.

Oh, and he now answers all email to me as ‘Christ’ because I kept accidentially emailing him as Christ instead of Chris because of autocorrect on my phone... Even the one I sent him earlier this week... Oops!

[just-my-sickly-pride]

Tell Me || Brian May x fem!Reader

summary || a casual phone conversation with brian, your fwb, takes a fun turn.

rating || explicit (18+). do not read if you are under eighteen. sexting, phone sex, some dom/sub dynamics (dom!brian), brief mention of a theoretical threesome with roger.

word count || 2.4k

author’s notes || i know i’ve been quiet for a while, but here’s the next instalment of the try series! if you’ve been following the series at all, i’m sure, after you finishing reading this fic, you’ll be able to guess what the next part will involve 👀 if you don’t follow the series, all you need to know is that reader is in a fwb arrangement with both brian and roger (separately).

masterlist

     It wasn’t the first time you and Brian had started getting hot and steamy over text. It was never intentional, not ever, but it had happened a couple of times before. A casual conversation started getting a particular edge, and both of you teased that edge more and more, testing the waters, seeing if things were really going the way they seemed to be.

    One of you always made the leap, of course. It was usually you – you liked the thrill of it. You knew Brian would respond positively, but there was always the moment of have I read this wrong? that you thrived off.

    This time, it had started off as a conversation about The Great British Bake-Off. Sure, not your proudest hour. Your roommate Lucy had been watching it in the living room when you’d ventured out of your bedroom to get something to snack on.

    u ever watched the great british bake off? you asked Brian.

    He’d responded soon after. Why do you always ask me the most bizarre questions out of the blue?

    answer me, coward.

    Yes, I’ve watched it. Why?

    just curious. lucy’s watching it. You dug a packet of slightly stale cookies from the pantry, and headed back to your room.

    Fred and John love it, so I’ve seen a few episodes, Brian sent. It’s all right, not my favourite, but it’s fun to watch with friends. Better than a lot of other cooking shows, if I’m honest.

    maybe fred and deaks should make their own cooking show, you typed, smiling to yourself.

    You got comfortable on your bed. You knew you were going to regret it later when your sheets were filled with cookie crumbs, but that was a problem for future you.

    I don’t think so, Brian said. The whole show would be John doing all the work while Freddie just sat and watched. That’s usually how their cooking adventures go.

    that could so work as a show, you protested. I’d watch it.

    You’d watch anything.

    ur such a tv snob.

    You’d said it just to get a rise out of him, and it worked a treat.

    I am not a snob. I just like to watch certain types of shows. Cooking shows and reality TV do not fall under the right categories.

    “”””the right categories”””, you typed, grinning. snob.

    Very funny. You’re absolutely hilarious.

    I sure think so.

    Oh, I’m well aware you think so.

    You scoffed. God, Brian could be a prick. You loved it. better to be funny than a snob.

    Again, extremely hilarious.

    thanks. You added a kissy-face emoji at the end of the word.

    You didn’t wait for a response before moving on. imagine a cooking show with all four of u guys in your flat. it’d be a disaster.

    That’s putting it mildly, Brian replied. Roger and Fred would probably burn the place down, between the two of them.

    could I be a guest on the show? you asked. I could wear a cute outfit with an apron n everything. a lil summer dress. I’d look cute as hell.

    You’d probably accidentally help burn the place down.

    You gaped at the phone. Bastard. rude! I’m pretty ok at cooking thanks!

    No, I didn’t mean it like that, Brian said. I meant that you’d probably be awfully distracting in your summer dress and apron.

    You paused, thinking of how to reply, feeling your fingers start to tingle just a touch. Toe the edge. I’d bring a new meaning to the word hot. both physically and literally, bc I’d be burning alive from the fire caused in the kitchen.

    Maybe I’d have to make sure the others are out of the house. You know, less people in the house means less chance of accidents happening.

    You bit your lip. just u and me in the kitchen with a camera then?

    You saw Brian typing, but the three dots vanished for a few seconds, then reappeared. Finally, his message: I suppose so.

    Now you were at a crossroads. Did you steer it back into safer waters, or take the leap?

    You knew the answer. As if you’d pass up the opportunity. u could bend me over the kitchen counter, you typed. keep the camera rolling.

    You could tell in the way Brian took a little longer to respond that he hadn’t expected your boldness so suddenly, and your heart was leaping in your chest as you waited.

    Now that’s a show I’d watch.

    A giggle bubbled out of you. yeah, me too.

    Anything in particular you’d like to see?

    You set your cookies aside. It was go time. I think I’d keep my cute outfit and apron on. think I’d want u to take me by surprise, push me over and hold me down.

    I’d like to see that, too. See you gasping and trying to break out of my grip.

    You’d have to hold me down tight, you said. I can get out pretty easily if ur not holding me down well enough.

    You know I’d hold you down tight, Brian replied. Push up that dress. Are you wearing anything underneath that dress?

    nope.

    Fucking knew it.

    I’d be so wet already, you said. Your breathing had sped up, and you moved your thighs together. you fucking me like that would be the only thing I’d be able to think about the whole time we’re cooking.

    I’d be able to fuck you with two fingers right away, Brian said.

    Your breath caught.

    I’d make you come on my fingers twice, just like that, holding you down, Brian added. You know, seeing as it’s for show. Want to make it good.

    Your whole body felt warm. tell me how you’d do it, you typed.

    I’d be gentle at first, Brian said. Just playing with your clit, fucking you with my fingers. I’d feel you clenching around them. You can be really needy like that.

    You were typing one-handed now; your hand slipped under your shirt, your index finger stroking back and forth along the skin just underneath the underwire of your bra.

    I’d just keep going like that, Brian sent. At first, you’d like it, but then you’d get desperate.

    I’d want u to fuck me harder, you replied. I’d be begging for it.

    I’d make sure you’re begging, Brian said. But I’d take my time. Really drag it out of you.

    it’d take me forever to cum, you typed. Your hand smoothed down from under your shirt to inside your shorts, skimming along the band of your underwear. but it’d be worth it. my legs would shake and I’d barely be able to stand up.

    And it’s only after you come all over my hand that I’d start finger-fucking you hard, Brian said. You began touching yourself over your underwear, just lightly, sighing in anticipation. I wouldn’t let you take a break from your first orgasm, either. 

    I’d be begging u to stop, you typed. but we both know that I wouldn’t want u to. I just wouldnt know how to handle it. I’d be trying to get away from ur hand, squirming against the kitchen counter, but u wouldn’t let me go.

    And I’d keep going until you came again.

    I’d be exhausted by this point, you said. if I thought I could barely stand up before, it’s nothing in comparison to now. u don’t even have to hold me down anymore, I’m just slumped over the counter.

    Your hand slipped into your underwear, and you started touching yourself. Your whole body felt hot, and your legs instinctively spread further.

    And that’s when I’d fuck you, Brian said.

    You’d be so hard by now.

    I would be. I’d grab you by the hips to hold you up, and slide right into you.

    I’d be so loud when u fucked me, you sent. you’d fuck me so hard my hips would be bruised the next day from hitting the edge of the counter.

    You’d feel so tight and hot around me, Brian said. Fuck, the thought of you desperately trying to grab something for stability on the counter, but not being able to find anything…

     I’d be completely helpless, you typed. It was difficult to type with one hand – especially when you slipped a finger into yourself – so you were praying that autocorrect didn’t let you down. would u let me cum?

    I’d make sure you come well before I do, Brian replied. So you’d have to just deal with it when I keep fucking you, even after your body is begging me to stop.

    You moaned, and pushed in a second finger, pumping them rhythmically. Jesus Christ, Brian was filthy. I’d want nothing more than to just feel u cum in me, you typed.

    Oh, you’d feel it, Brian typed. I’d make sure of that.

    are u jerking off rn?

    Yes. Are you?

    yeah. feels so good. want you to fuck me just like that.

    Just say the word.

    You couldn’t take it anymore.

    I have to call u I’m gonna call u, you typed out as quickly as you could with one hand. You waited until he’d seen the message – very impatiently – and then called him.

    “Hi,” he said casually, but his voice was rough and desperate.

    “Fuck, you’re evil,” you growled. You let out a moaning gasp, feeling yourself clench around your fingers. “Oh, God, Bri.”

    “Tell me what you’re doing,” he said. You could hear the sound of him jerking off, and it only made you wetter.

    You moaned. “I’m touching myself.”

    “I know that already, Jesus. Tell me.”

    “I’m– I’m fucking myself with my fingers,” you said shakily.

    “How many?”

    “Two.”

    Brian breathed out heavily. “Only two?”

    You took it as a cue, and pushed in a third, letting out a whine, your hips curling up against your hand. “Th– three.”

    Brian moaned, and you’d never been more turned on in your life. “Keep going, fuck yourself nice and deep,” he said.

    As if you were going to stop. “I wish it was you,” you said. “Want you to stretch me out.”

    Brian moaned again. “Christ, you’re gonna kill me.”

    “You’d fill me up so good,” you panted out, rubbing your clit now, and your hips jerked. “You always make me feel so full, Bri.”

    “I’d fuck you so good,” Brian said. “Tie you up, leave you spread out for me, then I’d fuck you s– so hard until you were bruised, mark you up so nice for me, make your skin all red until you were begging for it, you’d come so hard on my cock, fuck.”

    “I’d scratch up your back until you were bleeding,” you said breathlessly. You were so close to orgasming. You could feel it, just out of reach. “Cover you with bite marks. You could fuck my mouth with your fingers while you fucked me with your cock. You’d come in me so hard you’re seeing stars, and I’d just keep you inside me until you were hard again so you could fuck me again, feel your come leaking out of me.”

    “Fuck,” Brian groaned.

    “God,” you gasped. “I’m so fucking…”

    “I’m so close to coming, fuck.”

    “Same. Jesus, I want you so bad.”

    “Same.” Brian moaned, low and deep, and you just about came from the sound of it alone.

    “I’d let you fuck me all day,” you said. “Just fucking – use me. Fill me up whatever way you want. You and Rog, I’d let you both just fuck me until I passed out. One of you fucking my mouth, the other one fucking my cunt.”

    “You’d want that? Both of us?”

    You moaned. “Yes, I want it so bad.” Your whole body was tensed like a bow. “I’m gonna come, Bri, gonna come all over my fingers, fuck.”

    “Tell me,” Brian said. “What you want from me and Rog. What you’d want us to do to you.”

    “Everything,” you gasped.

    “Do you think about it a lot?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Do you get yourself off thinking about it?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Fuck, God. You’re so greedy, you spend all your time fucking him and fucking me, of course you’d want us both filling you up at the same time.” Brian made a sound. “Ah, I’m so close, I’m gonna fucking come.”

    “Don’t tell me you don’t want it,” you said.

    Brian moaned.

    “I bet you think about it too,” you said. Your heart was thudding in your chest like a racehorse. “I bet you get off thinking about me just being fucked without mercy by the both of you.”

    Brian gasped.

    “Tell me,” you demanded, just as Brian had demanded of you. “Tell me you want it.”

    “I want it,” Brian said quickly, so quickly you almost missed it. “I think about it all the time, I want it so bad. I think about us fucking you, I think about Roger fucking you while I watch, see you all whiny and desperate, just the thought of seeing you watching me while someone else is fucking you–” He cut himself off with a choked-off moan, and you knew he’d come.

    You were overwhelmed by what he’d said, and within a few seconds you were coming as well, pulsing around your fingers, crying out.

    You just listened to each other breathing heavily for a few seconds, wrapping your heads around what had just happened.

    “Damn, Brian,” you said with a laugh. “Didn’t know you were into voyeurism, you big ol’ perv.”

    “Shut up,” Brian said, his voice warm with amusement. “Only in theory; I’d be far too possessive in real life to ever follow through. And weren’t you the one talking about getting fucked from both ends?”

    “Might’ve been.” You wriggled your hand out of your underwear and shorts, and reached for a tissue on your bedside table.

    “That was… good,” Brian said. “We should do that more often.”

    “What, fucking once or twice a fortnight isn’t enough?”

    Brian huffed a laugh. “I meant in lieu of fucking. If our schedules don’t match up. Good to know it’s an option.”

    You hummed, wiping your hand on the tissue. “Maybe it should be a conference call.”

    “What?”

    “With Roger.”

    Brian snorted. “Ah, no. Not likely.”

    “What if Rog and I filmed our own little cooking show and I sent it your way, what would you think of that, hm?”

    “Wh– It–” Brian spluttered. “The things I said in the heat of the moment don’t necessarily reflect what I actually want to happen in real life.”

    You weren’t convinced. “Sure,” you said lightly. “But I mean, if–”

    “Wait, shit, sorry, I have to go,” Brian cut in. “I forgot John ordered Thai for us all, and I think it just turned up, and I’m…”

    “Covered in come?” you offered. “That’s fine. Go. I’ll talk to you later.”

    “Yeah, talk soon. Bye.”

    “Bye.” Brian hung up, and you dropped your phone to your chest.

    Well, you certainly had plenty of new fantasies to play with next time you were in the mood.

[toshsatos]

so I have no idea what goes on in Hannibal but 👀 id love to hear you do #1 in the most out of context way ahdjdkjfj

AAH OKAY SURE

Favourite character: Winston the Dog. But in s3 it was Alana ‘I now own the institution my cannibal ex is locked up in and also I have a wife and a very rich son’ Bloom. we stan a bisexual legend 

Least Favorite character: the titular character of this stupid fucking show

5 Favourite ships (canon or non-canon): FIVE??? ok whilst the main relationship is interesting and very entertaining (and yes, it’s canon), it is... so weird. it’s so weird. it feels wrong to engage with it since there’s a fine line on this site between enjoying it from a ‘this is an incredible show’ perspective and... yknow. fuj*shis.... so the only one I can ‘ship’ is Alana/Margot. Canon wives :)) 

Character I find most attractive: s3 Alana when she gets a haircut and starts wearing amazing suits. sorry Will, you’re too unhinged 

Character I would marry: i don’t think the person who made this ask game had this show in mind

Character I would be best friends with: Winston the dog :’) also the elk who walks around Will’s weird nightmare world seems to be a cool guy. very loyal. always there for him. Always

a random thought: it would be much better if it was filmed like the office and zoomed in on hannibal’s face every time someone talked about a murder he obviously committed in his presence  why did Will sail solo on a yacht all the way from the US to italy to find his murder boyfriend who he at this point knew was an honest to god cannibal take a plane you idiot  also don’t run away to europe with a cannibal you stupid man this show is insane  i cannot comprehend it 

i should never have watched it 

Do you ever feel Regret 

An unpopular opinion: you can enjoy a show that’s dark and twisted and surreal but it’s a step too far to edit flower crowns onto hannibal fucking lecter. the amount of those i have seen is frankly disturbing 

My Canon OTP: ALANA/MARGOT. POWER WIVES. WITH A SON WHO IS THE HEIR TO THE PIG FARMING ESTATE 

My Non-canon OTP: pig estate wives aside, in a show where a man literally eats his own leg and says ‘my compliments to the chef’, shipping is not my first priority 

Most badass character: Uh. Alana was only badass in season 3. Honestly?? any badass moments are just straight up Bad. But Chiyoh was pretty cool (an unexplained lady living in hannibal’s childhood castle with a prisoner and a bunch of snails and kind of hates him but also saves his life idk i haven’t read the book)

Most epic villain: seriously 

Pairing I am not a fan of: DJBFVJHDBVKJHB . look when they each try to kill each other multiple times i can enjoy it as entertainment but jesus christ

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): i think :(( we needed more time with Winston the dog :((( he’s the only valid character :(((( and deserved better :((((( 

Favourite Friendship: okay but s1 hannibal and will was actually really fun - when will drove for hours in the snow to get to hannibal’s house and barged in the door like ‘i kissed Alana what the fuck i have to talk to you about it NOW’ and this is why it’s A Comedy Actually 

Character I most identify with:

Character I wish I could be:

ima leave those 

had to turn off grammarly for this bc it kept autocorrecting ‘hannibal’ to have a capital H and this bitch doesn’t deserve capitalization