#it doesnt fucking matter!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i didnt have a chance to know any of these people!!!!!!!

[wegmans]

hmm uhhhh my uncle died this morning. this is the same aunt and uncle i met for the first time in jordan in 2015 and he had lost his vision by then and was extremely depressed and told me "im so happy to finally meet you, but i wish we had met 5 years ago, i was much happier back then." and then when i saw my aunt again this past summer in jordan she said that she was going to palestine that week because she needed to fill out legal forms to transfer account and house and other ownership to be under her name because he got alzheimers and started having psychotic episodes and getting violent and had to be put in a psych ward and thats why he wasnt there visiting with her. and then 1 month ago he was in a coma and just this morning his body fully gave up. for the last 7 years i have never forgotten his voice saying that he "was much happier back then" and always wished he could somehow miraculously get better so i could hear what he's like when he wasn't feeling so bad. because from everyone's stories of him, he used to be so loud and outgoing and funny and would entertain everyone he was around. he was a doctor too, and ran a hospital in ramallah. but i never got to see any of that. and it literally only got worse and worse for him all the time until he just died. what an unfair life. this sucks

[storywestistrash]

i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans

[i-cant-sing]

Just thinking about Yandere Todoroki clan and reader's random moments.

Reader coming home after a particularly bad day, but poor girl cant even cry or complain without everyone immediately overreacting and pulling you out of school/college or even keeping you from going out at all. So now, reader has to either cry in self pity before she enters her home, wipe her tears and fix herself just enough to show that she hadnt just bawled her eyes out moments ago. That, or do the more risky thing and go home, go to your room and cry under the covers, but then theres always the chance of Rei or the others walking in on you any moment.

Also thinking about baby/toddler reader being sick, just a common cold or flu, nothing major. But with reader whining and being so young, the family's infantalisation goes through the roof and theyd treat you as if you were immunocompromised. I wont lie, but I think Rei is almost kinda... glad when you get sick? She enjoys you being dependant on her for the most things, even when you grow up and are able to handle a cold, she still deludes herself into thinking that you need mommy to come and help you.

I think the one person who is most affected by reader getting sick, no matter what age, is Enji. The man just cant help but view you as a fragile, starving Victorian child the moment you fall ill. In his eyes, even a harsh blow of air is too much for a fragile thing like you, let alone something as bad as the flu. He just- he's holding toddler reader in his arms, who snuggles into his warm body, your tiny nose pink and he cant get the image of you crying and vomiting and being oh so feverish- thats just way too much for your small body. Oh how he almost cried when he took you to the doctor for a shot and you clung to him, trying to bury yourself into him as you begged him to make you feel better, cried to him that you didnt want to get the "big scary needle!" He just had to hold you there in his firm grip as you writhed, had to look away when you looked at him and he saw the feeling of betrayal in your eyes, had to keep himself from not strangling the fucking doctor for not being careful, had to walk out of the clinic and hand you to Rei because he couldnt hear you cry anymore, had to have Rei console both you and Enji (assuring him that "no, Enji. Y/n doesnt resent you for making her get a shot.") and he couldnt even sleep a wink that night because he was standing by your bed, holding your tiny hand with his pinky as a tear finally slipped out of his eye.

ALSO thinking about adult reader going out of the house to meet up with friends, except shes meeting up with them at a club instead of at their house like she told Enji and Rei, and now shes standing outside, abandoned by said friends, and shes now running because a group of pervy men are chasing her and she doesnt know who to call, so she just speed dials Shotou, except someone just changed all your speed dials to one number, and you think youre doomed when Shotou doesnt say a word to you and just hangs up when within minutes, someone comes in front of you-

"Dabi?" He tells you to cover your ears and look away, and you know well by know what that means, so you obey, feeling a bit regretful as those men begin to scream in agony. You dont know how long its been until Dabi pulls your hands away and examines your wounds. He lets you crash into his chest as you sob, and this time, Dabi simply decides to take you home quietly without a lecture.

Hmmm, also thinking about Natsuo who is usually cool as a cucumber, the most normal being in the family, except for his very rare episodes of unbridled rage where he suddenly becomes the Hulk. Good thing for you is that this anger is never directed towards you, rather towards people who actively threaten your life (except Rei cause she gets to play "Im your mom who became mentally unstable because of your abusive dad") The only time NAtsuo is stern with you is when it comes to your health. He's just looking at you with those strict eyes when you refuse to take your multivitamins, or dont want to get a flu shot, or try to make up an excuse so that he cant check your vitals. And when he just grabs your wrist and pulls you to sit down so that he can do his checkup, its in those moments that you realise just how strong your brother is... and how easy it may be for him to overpower you and sedate you if he ever followed through Rei's threats.

[westrangecollectionkoalaposts]

Think about how fucked up the mating bond is, people get bonded to whoever tf the magic chooses for them considering only how much powerful you are and that your kids will be powerful as fuck, and if you don't like them or some shit happened between you two earlier, sorry but the chances of you ending up with said person in a toxic relationship are still high, look at how many toxic bonds we saw:

we have tamlin's family, his father and brothers were worse than the vanserras and his mom and father were mated, so it didn't matter how much shit his father was, the mom just accepted that.

feysand's bond, fucked up as fuck. after all rhysand put feyre through during UTM, we get to acomaf (and there is also that stupid ring quest, imagine if she died..) where he gives her a long ass sad background story and she just accepted it.... yet if she wasn't his mate she would be pretty much death in book 1, and oh wait, let's not forget the fact he hid life threatening information about her pregnancy, and like, she is still with him as if nothing had happened.

nessian bond! also fucked up, we have cassian watching nesta fall the stairs and be like "haha i watched bc if get to the end, i would have to take you back upstairs, also you fell bc you didnt train so it is all YOUR fault", cassian telling her everybody hates her, cassian doesn't understand how her sisters love her, cassian taking her to a hike bc she (25 years old) was the only one between all those 500+ years old bitches who had balls to tell feyre she was gonna die before christmas, makes her carry a bag that is a third of her weight (lets say she is 1,75m and weights 60kg, she was carrying around 20kg and according to a search in google, a hiking backpack shouldn't weight more than 10 percent of the person's weight, which in this case Nesta should be carrying 6kg and not more than that...) during this hike. He has sex with her after she gets sexual assaulted by a mythical creature, he gets butthurt when she says a fact about riceman, gets angry when she gets uncomfortabled about the fact he wants everyone to know they share bed (and he literaly says exactly that), like, he even says that he didn't choice to be shackled to her, that means he wouldn't choice her => he wouldn't be with her if there wasn't a bond. During acosf we see that he knows shit about her and he doesnt even like her but he stilld wants her exclusively bc of the bond and nesta is molded and treated like shit until submission so she can fit him and his family. Let's not forget that whatever thing nesta disagres, cassian get like "is that because i am a bastard low born nobody and my ass is flat?". Also from a logic point of view (considering the power thing and that the cauldron chooses who you are mated with and it blessed elain with gifts and got angry at nesta bc she took its power) wouldn't make more sense if nesta ended up with a high lord/high lord heir or azriel? nesta is powerful as fuck, powerful to the point rhysand, a pOWErfuLl high lord (take his telepathy away and he is in the same level as the other high lords) struggles to contain her power, she is in the same level of a high lord, and i know cassian had 7 siphons but it is azriel who has not only 7 siphons but is also a shadowsinger, they are poweful but not in the same level as a high lord/nesta yet azriel at least has a special power, so between them two azriel is more logical, and in a general point of view, a high lord/heir... (i repeat, this bond was a curse threw at nesta)

drakon and miryam, too fucked up, she was a slave, that was given to him as gift from his bride/wife/girlfriend whatever. she was a slave, and half human, and during this time humans were all slaves. and drakon, prince, faerie... she was with jurian then somehow she fell in love with drakon(?) i don't remember their story properly, but i am pretty sure that if there wasn't a mating bond, they would not have any relationship. I honestly find this one too weird/absurd that I even have a theory that drakon is daemanti and manipulated miryam to ''love'' him (pretty much like rhysand seems to be doing/did to feyre... maybe that is why drakon and rhysand were friends or something, drakon taught him the telepathy things)

vs non-toxic:

Lucien and Elain, they aren't together, elain doesn't want to get close to lucien and he respects it, lucien doesn't force himself into her, keeps his distance s he is aware she is not comfortable, he let her know they are bonded from the beginning as opposite to some people up there...

Kallias and viviane - we didn't see much about them but considering they were friends since young age, so we are supposed to assume they are good...

Honestly if i was faerie i would be afraid of having a mate.

[rozonrozark]

Will there any episodes like Chat Blanc? I know i asked something similar to this before but she might go full apeshit and it would be totally deserved.

How much Marinette benefits from exercise she does as Cheshire? Assuming she is not going through hell, can she do some extreme stuff?

What is Marinette's grandparents doing in this au? Do they have any idea what she is going through or she hides from them too well? Or maybe even they are not really close?

What are the chances UH coming back again? They know Marinette's age and naturally they are upset about that. Will they try to help her or they will wait until she turns 18?

Does Marinette knows Future Alix keeps visiting her? Even if she does, does she knows she is Alix under the mask? (i probably didnt pay enough attention to her parts)

I'm assuming Marinette's parents at least video call their daughter because it sounds like they are away for months. For fucks sake who the hell leaves 13 year old all alone for months? Yeah they have someone check her once in a blue moon but that still doesnt cover lack of parents.

Will Audrey come and try to take Marinette to NY like in cannon or she will join her daughter's bullying train?

And about the last update- does Marinette knows she is discovered? Will she come out clean or she will try to confuse them with... trix maybe? Also FUCKING FINALLY AN ADULT WITH A SPINE STOOD UP AGAINST THAT BLONDE DUMPSTER FIRE.

Sorry about too many questions :/

Alright, let's answer as many questions as I can.

1: Cheshire Blanc or something similar... There is the Wonderland AU but that is an AU plus it is Marinette being akumatized so I don't know if that answers your question. But Cheshire being akumatized... that is something that would/could be addressed in an AU.

2: Marinette is certainly well-exercised but nothing superhuman. However she does make sure to never show off as to not attract attention.

3: Marinette's grandparents are something that will be addressed but to give an overview. Roland, much like in the show, is no contact while Gina is off-world traveling. Her other relatives are too far away to matter.

4: The UH will be shown. So that will be answered in future chapters. But right now they are more focused on everything that happened.

5: Marinette knows someone has left her presents and Plagg has informed her about 'long ears' but she doesn't know more than that.

6: They have frequent video/ regular calls and they feel bad about not being there for her and leaving her alone. But Marinette always reassures them that she is alright. After all, Mari is happy that her parent's business is doing so well.

7: Audrey will be coming...

8: Marinette had plans, had plans. She will need to make new ones though but the girl won't give up easily.

Don't worry about the questions, I try to answer what I can plus I like interacting with people. Sorry if it takes awhile, I'm busy plus I work on the chapter.

[infinitethree]

ahhhhh I'm glad you like the drawing Innit!!! Sorry for taking you on an emotional rollercoaster there, I didn't think you'd receive all of those at the same time.

Your opinion does matter! Or it should, anyway.

Also, dont apologize! You can't control when you hear what we say. I'm happy to be with you when ever I can :D

We do see alternative timelines. Some of them! They tend to play out differently than this one. I'm sorry, I didnt realize mentioning it would bring your mood down :( You deserve better than this Daz.

I'm glad you're liking the food!! If you want anything specific next time, let me know! I think I'm going to give you something sweet and something savoury each time so you don't get tired of one flavour, yknow?

*gives Innit an ice cream sandwich and some spaghetti with meatballs*

*as always, head pats and hugs if it wants them*

Also, not to make the same mistake as before with completely different uhh tones, but I figure you should know what's going on! If its not censored, that is.

Aster made a deal with the Showmaster to see parts of Daz's past in exchange for a wish. As in he literally sees them- in Daz's head or from a 3rd person view. He can't see or hear you though! (If Daz talks with you, Aster just doesnt know what he's doing.) But I figured you might want to know!

*another hug if it wants*

Innit hums in happiness, scritching the raccoon as it revels in the experience of Daz’s despair.

They both know that Aster won’t tolerate this new development. Once he knows about Innit…

Ah– but Asher just said that he doesn’t know! Meaning that Innit possesses an utterly vital piece of information that the bastard doesn���t.

It…can grapple with the idea that this Daz is the worst Daz at another time. Currently, its focus needs to be locked in on caving the ground underneath the traitorous asshole its trapped inside. 

It eats its food, a nearly manic grin stretching its lip wide.

Time for the bastard to pay the price for his countless crimes.

======

There’s only so much that Daz can take.

The Observers, the Scribe, being forced to reveal himself, Aster’s deal– he can only be backed against the wall so far before he can’t take any more.

So…he doesn’t.

The problem, he reflects, is that Aster has a streak of nobility. Even once he learns about Innit– which he might have already, honestly– he might think there’s something that can be saved in the ruined husk that is Daz and his admin side.

Maybe he won’t; maybe he’ll simply do his fucking duty and strike him down.

But if he doesn’t, Sanctuary and the people he gives a shit about will be in danger.

That’s not an option. Not when Daz has always known he’s running on borrowed time.

How many times has he escaped impossible situations by sheer fucking luck? How many times has he defied fate, defied the long scythe of Death herself…?

Well, he’s reached the end of the line.

From the moment he devoted himself to this place, he decided to hold nothing back. His own safety and sanity were small prices to pay for the sake of everyone else.

The greater good, and all that.

So…what is his life to add to the pile? What is his life worth, when he would die in a far more brutal way if Sanctuary were to be ruined because he was a coward?

He’s even made it easy for them– a manifesto, of sorts. He’s left statements, plans, even a will behind. Some of it was existing, but others he’s drawn up over the last day or two.

Unfortunately for Aster and the rest, Daz knows them far too well by now.

They’ve likely already approached Day, or at least are getting ready to do so.

Time is running out. Daz knows that the likelihood of them having a good chance at stopping him only skyrockets the longer he waits.

His last acts are to put his most precious possessions on his bed, on top of the suit he’d like to be buried in.

His shield ear cuff– the real one, the second one ever made that he’s kept hidden; the cuff that represents Tubbo…

The necklace from Raine.

It feels like something in the wreckage of his heart crumbles as he stares at his pseudo-claims, and he murmurs, “I really am pathetic, aren’t I?”

What kind of admin has so little of real value to his name, huh? What has your sociopathic bullshit and all that effort actually gotten you, in the end?

Not much, not directly. But it was never about him, not really; by the time he came to Sanctuary, he was already a lost cause.

Huh. Maybe Dream’s pre-insanity mentality did more damage than he thought. For the good of others, damn your own misery– that was always the ethos Dream had lived by.

What a nasty thought to linger with him.

He sighs, going into his closet to be sure he doesn’t look too fucked up. He needs to sell this, after all– has to sell this lie just long enough to make sure he’ll get this awful form of victory.

As he looks at himself in the mirror, he gives himself a bitter quirk of a smile. Just in case, he hums, “I wonder if you’ll get this eventually? Well…don’t blame yourself too much. It’s not your fault you’re outclassed, stupid, and naive.”

Thankful he’s had his rooms shielded from San, he wraps his knuckles against the mirror. “Fuck you, though. I hope my death eats you alive. You, of all people, should have known not to pry in my head.”

Twisting his face into a cheerful smile, he laughs, “Wish me luck! I’ve got a date with a very powerful Lady, and I’m terribly late. It’d be rude to keep her waiting any longer, yeah?”

With that, he goes to meet the only person he can turn to in this checkmate. The only person who he can count on to act the way he wants, the way he needs.

Theo.

The other Tommy is in his bookbinding workshop when Daz teleports over. He wiggles his fingers in greeting, asking, “Hey, big man– got a minute? I wanna talk to you about something.”

Theo blinks at him in surprise. “Hmm? Yeah, what’s up?” “Oh, not here. It’s kinda…well, I mean– you know how it is,” Daz laughs. “I have a good spot– mind if I teleport us?”

The guy gets up, seeming a little awkward. “Yeah, sure. Uh– still fuckin’ weird you’re an admin, y’know?” “Oh, it’s been weird for me too,” Daz hums as he inputs the coords to a place that’s near and dear to his heart.

There’s a low whistle as Theo surveys the Council HQ. “Shit, this place is nice. When’d you make it?”

“Years ago.”

He can tell Theo immediately catches the way he’s dropped his mask. The guy seems confused, so he laughs softly. “Oh, Theo…it’s really funny, y’know?” “...What is?”

“How stupid you are.”

Wings flaring as Daz advances, he smiles with far more menace than he should be capable of. “You and everyone else! I mean, gods– did you really never suspect me? That I could possibly be more than I let on? Poor, weak, innocent Daz, needing to be sheltered and protected…none of which are true.”

He advances into Theo’s space in the blink of an eye, expression twisting into a sneer. “I knew I was an admin, Theseus. I just hid it, because there was no point in catching anyone’s attention with it! I mean, fuck– admins are nothing but trouble. I hid my true self because I liked having that power over all of you. It was funny to watch everyone be so kind and considerate, unaware of just what kind of person I really am!”

Theo’s expression is stony. “Everyone but Aster. He fuckin’ realized, n’ we ignored him.”

Daz throws his head back and laughs.

“Aster, that fuckin’ traitor! I hate him, I hate everything he stands for. I hate his stupid fuckin’ face, his stupid fuckin’ voice, even his stupid fuckin’ morals! But, the funny thing is…we’ve been working together, you know?”

He forcibly directs Theo’s attention to the table in the center of the room. “This place is the headquarters of our little club– the Council of the Star. He’s lied to you, Theseus. He’s kept my true self hidden from you, because I tricked him into thinking I could be useful.”

A growl rises up from the back of his throat as he digs his nails into Theo’s upper arms. “But he betrayed me. He made a deal with the Scribe– the entity at the head of all of this bullshit with Observers and questions– to pry into my past. So…I’m ruining his life.”

Voice wavering, Theo tells him, “You’re fuckin’ lying.” “Think about how often Aster disappears for hours at a time. He’s been here, Theseus– helping prop up my lies.”

Theo wheels on him and snarls, “The fuck are you even doing all of this– what do you get out of fuckin’ telling me now?!”

Laughing, injecting a very real edge of hysteria into the sound, Daz tells him, “That bastard sees my thoughts, my memories, my past. It’s only a matter of time before I’m removed from Sanctuary, you know? So, like I said, before that happens…I’m going to destroy his life.”

Fury twists Theo’s expression as he takes his sword out. The air gets heavy and Daz’s heart soars. “Go on, then,” he mocks, arms flung wide. “Stab me, you won’t! You’re too much of a fuckin’ pussy, blinded by your own arrogance n’ stupidity!”

Relief sings through him as the sword moves with blinding speed.

The truth about Sanctuary’s respawns is that they aren’t actually infinite– you can still very much die. The secret is that, instead of a hard system tied to lives, it’s tied to something far much ephemeral.

It’s tied to your will to come back.

Sickness can override it in some cases, yes, but the far more dangerous factor is that if you don’t want to live…you can very much die.

And if you choose to die, that means that you can choose to be killed.

Theo wouldn’t be overly aware of this, of course. Why would he be? It’s not like he’d be haunted by the funeral of someone who gave up more than two years ago.

In this moment, Theo is lashing out in a way he’s been able to freely do many times before. He has no idea that this single thrust will kill him.

That’s the point. Theo’s sword will strike true, and he’ll be left only with Daz’s posthumous assurances that this is the only hope for Sanctuary.

The only hope for Lee.

But the sharp sound of metal on metal rips him from his final plan. Fury twists in his heart as Aster stands between them.

The traitor snarls, “You fucking sociopath–” “Step aside,” Theo snaps at him, teeth bared. “I’m not fuckin’ letting this go!”

“He’s tricking you, Theo!” “N’ you’d know all about that, huh?!”

Aster steps forward, shouting, “You stupid’ fuckin’ bastard, he’s trying to get you to kill him!” “Good! Maybe a fuckin’ sword to the–”

Grabbing his shirt, Aster yells, “Permanently!”

Gods fucking damnit. Seething, Daz says, “You really can’t just let me have my way, huh? Traitor.”

“You are a selfish coward–” “Me? Me?!”

Daz stalks forward and rips Aster away from his friend. He spins him around to the ground, yelling at him, “Your short-sighted mercy will damn all of you! One person– one fucking person, a person you don’t even fuckin’ like! I’m a broken, ruined husk of a person, shambling around by sheer force of will. I’ve been dead since before I ever set foot in this fuckin’ server!”

“You’re not cursed, you dipshit–” “Hah!” “You’re just fuckin’ unlucky! You really think nobody would have noticed if you were cursed?!”

Fury boils in his blood as he tries to stomp on Aster’s arm to break it– but the bastard just moves away. “Everyone who I love suffers; everyone who loves me dies! Of the body, of the spirit– it’s still a death!”

His attention snaps to Theo, whose face is ashen. Cooly, he says, “I’ve been training Lee. He’s been getting attached. His heart is big like that, you know? Big enough to love even a monster who’s lied to everyone for years.”

Aster tries to interrupt, “Daz, don’t you fuckin’ dare–”

“So,” he says, smiling at Theo and ignoring the idiot at his feet, “That’s why I need to die. If I’m alive, Lee will be ruined. Sanctuary will be ruined. And, well– everything is falling apart anyway. I can’t afford for all the work I’ve done to be wasted like this.”

Aster suddenly lets out what sounds like a sob. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” the bastard gasps, face ashen.

He must’ve seen something Daz wouldn’t want him to see, then.

“Aster–?” Theo seems concerned, wings flaring at his friend’s blatant distress. “Keep you fuckin’ mouth shut,” Daz growls, but Aster talks anyway.

“Will, he left a will– and all his– the shit he cares about, he doesn’t even have his cuff on–”

Theo suddenly grabs him and reaches for his neck. Daz glares at him but doesn’t bother stopping him. He knows Theo is searching for the necklace– Theo, above all other non-admins, understands the significance of an admin removing their claims.

The guy reels backwards, looking sick. “You don’t have your fuckin’-- the necklace Raine gave you.”

Rolling his eyes, he shoves his sleeve up. “Or my memorial cuff, no. I don’t deserve them anyway.” “Deserve?!”

“I’m a failure of an admin and cursed to boot. Even those pseudo-claims are more than I ever was worth.” His gaze flicks to Aster, and he scoffs, “I’m sure he can tell you more.”

A failure to the end! Incredible, just– how kind they try to be. They really don’t believe you’re as ruined as you are.

He knows.

Innit purrs, But it’s not too late. It wouldn’t be hard, just a few moments…you have a knife, you know how to pierce someone’s heart. Wouldn’t that be the fate you deserve? To die just like Tubbo did, to refuse their attempts to save you?

…That’s always an option, yeah.

But now that things have devolved this far…maybe he can just– tell them.

Finally, finally, finally rip off his mask and let them realized just how hopeless he always was. Useful, for a time, sure– but not someone worthy of their mercy.

The beast inside him chuckles, Since Aster already knows about me, you might as well just twist the knife in further. If Theo knows about me…well. It’s not like you can’t convince him that something with my knowledge who wants to see everyone here, especially his precious little brother die screaming– that I’m not a ticking timebomb.

Tell them about your biggest sin, Daz. Tell them about how they’ve had a prisoner trapped right under their noses this entire time, screaming for anyone to please not abandon it.

I bet DayDream would hate that. I bet even Lee might think less of you.

As little as Daz wants to listen to his admin side…it’s making several very, very, very good points.

He calmly sits down in his usual chair and looks to the bastard who’s backed him into this corner.

“Go on, then. Call for Day, so we can get this over with.”

Theo jolts a little. “The fuck do you need–” “They were already planning to drag him into this. And neither of you are admins, you won’t understand me. You won’t understand why I’m not worth saving.”

He idly messes with his earrings, murmuring, “It’s pathetic that I can’t even do this the way I wanted. I’m trying to protect all of you in the only way I can…but you don’t get it.”

His attention flicks to Theo and he scoffs, “There’s so much to lose, and so many more people who have something to live for. Clinging on to me when my death would fix so much…you really are stupid.”

Theo slumps down onto the stool that Lee has been using. Funny how he doesn’t question its presence here. “Stupid enough to almost fuckin’–” Grief and pain twist his expression and Theo looks away. “...You didn’t fuckin’ care about how I’d feel about killing you, did you?”

“Feeling hurt is better than everyone dying. I left an explanation, anyway,” Daz sighs, watching as Aster taps at his com.

Hate burns in his chest at how similar that asshole truly is to Dream. They’ve both ruined him in the name of protection– both ripped him open and committed a horrible, unspeakable violation of his agency and wants.

Aster sinks down next to him, in his usual seat. “Hate me as much as you want– I won’t stand by and let you die in a stupid self-immolation that will only cause more problems than it could possibly solve.”

“I don’t need your permission to hate you. Watch your fuckin’ back, traitor– I’ll make your life a living hell,” he seethes.

Tell him, you bastard. Confess your crimes, your sins!

He will, it just needs to be patient–

CONFESS, YOU GODDAMNED BASTARD! TELL THEM, MAKE SURE THEY KNOW HOW MUCH OF A MONSTER YOU REALLY ARE!

The noise makes him clutch his head and snarl, “Shut up! I won’t have that conversation twice, you fuckin’ asshole! Shut up, shut up, shut up–”

“Daz?! The fuck’re you–” “What’s going on, what are you–”

CONFESSCONFESSCONFESSCONFESSCONFESSCONFESS–

Tears burn at his eyes from the agony of his mind being clawed at, and he sobs out, “Innit, it’s Innit, fuck, you should know by now–!”

The screaming stops, and in the silence, he sees Aster’s expression of confusion suddenly shift into one of horror.

Innit, laughing in glee, crows, and now he knows! Watch as he learns everything about me– watch as he realizes how big of a monster you really are!

[gay-----pisces2]

-“YOU CANT CHANGE YOURSELF!”

Ok so you cant get tattoos, any surgeries, piercings, or even grow up cause thats all technically “CHANGING YOURSELF”

-”YOUR GROOMING OUR CHILDREN TO BE TRANS!”

No??? I frankly wouldnt wish being trans on any cis people i know cause its cool ig i get a community n whatever but it also is stressful and expensive as balls, and we get hated on and kill ourselves most of the time

-”I CANT USE YOUR CORRECT PRONOUNS, ITS TOO HARD FOR ME, BUT IM NOT TRANSPHOBIC”

Sure, your not transphobic but your misgendering me, which is a transphobic action, and the suicide and assalt rates for trans people are really high, and using the correct pronouns just isnt that hard especially since ive been out for TWO YEARS NOW. 

-”I DONT WANT YOU IN THE MENS/WOMANS BECAUSE YOUR BIOLOGICALLY A WOMAN/MAN”

So you want a fully transitioned trans buff bearded man/person in the bathroom w ur wife/daughter, and a fully transitioned trans woman/person in the mens bathroom with your husband/son? Also this has been proven to hurt cis people when they arent procieved as “cis enough” (e: a woman being masc/a man being fem)

-”GOD HATES YOU”

Ok i dont care what some white dude i never met who didnt raise a finger to stop the holocaust, slavery, poverty, starvation, crimes ect thinks of me (i dont believe in him regardless lol) 

-”I DONT WANT TO CHANGE My LANGUAGE TO INCLUDE PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT THan WHAT IVE BEEN TAUGHT”

It doesnt actually hurt you yk lmao, your just looking for a reason to be pissed off now

-”I DONT WANT TO DATE YOU BECAUSE YOU USED TO BE A GIRL/BOY, AND IM STRAIGHT”

Thats like saying “I dont want to date you because you used to be a minor, and im not a pedophile”, you are genuinely delusional, it doesnt matter at all UNLESS you are having sex with the trans person and they havent had bottom surgery, but your saying this over just dating 

Side notes:

its crazy how straight cis people dont understand how queer people are so challenged n shit. personally i have this feeling sometimes that most strangers when i look at them my brain goes "jesus fucking christ theres a chance you would kill me if you knew what i was."

[sidesteppostinghours]

4, 12, and 28 for ocs of your choice?

Good morning, thank you for the ask! :D

4. What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

Cyrus- cyrus used to play piano! he stopped for a few reasons (lack of time, associations to the farm, "i am not spending my money on a whole ass piano") but he still remembers how to play, even if hes a bit rusty. he doesnt see any use for the hobby at the moment, which is another reason he hasn't kept up, but who knows. i cannot for the life of me remember if daniel owns and/or plays piano(wouldnt surprise me) but if he does then theyd totally play a duet together.

Cynthia- she was very fond of photography back in the day, but she's had to drop it for safety reasons. while she didnt like photos of herself, she did own a camera and used it liberally for candid shots for most of the rangers. ortega had the most pictures taken of her ofc, she had girlfriend privileges. she also had a good few for the general scenery of los diablos, to remind her of her home. some of the photos that she treasured most were kept on her person, but it got taken away and used as ammunition by the farm when she was discovered. she would pick it up again given the chance, but thats only guaranteeing the photos cant be traced back to her, which isnt happening atm rip.

12. What's something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!

Caine- hes my most stoic character, so its actually pretty difficult to make him laugh, but! spoon. definitely spoon. chen has seen caine laugh more in like, 5 months than he has in the several years hes known them. its a combination of whats essentially intoxication from spoons mind, a feeling of understanding they dont usually get with people, and the fact that walks with spoon is one of the very few times he feels safe enough to let his guard down. it helps that chen has pretty quiet thoughts, so theyre not punished for lowering their shields.

Cecilia- oh man, ceci loves to laugh, shes very giggly. if i had to choose though, you can always get her with a dad joke. it doesnt matter how bad it is(and honestly the worse it is the funnier it gets). this is at least 70% of the reason she hangs out with ortega btw. that man is so corny with his jokes and cecilia is shamelessly enabling him. theyre insufferable when theyre together.

28. What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want?

Caine- ok, well. caine avoids talking about themeselves like the plague so good luck getting an answer out of them in the first place. if he really couldnt avoid it, hed just say one of his goals(getting out of hark, for instance). its not wrong, per se, but it doesnt encompass what they actually want because they dont know what they want. in honesty hes a justice step, but hes stuck as a fate step until he has a suitable moment of "oh shit thats why im doing this". they want the heroes to function as actual heroes, instead of glorified lapdogs for the state. as for when everything is finally over, they want a massive fucking nap.

Cyrus- he tells others he wants people to leave him alone, and is Very Annoyed that nobodys listening to him. the reality is, ofc, the opposite lmfao. he cant stand to be alone, hed spiral worse than he already has without people to hold him steady. he wasnt like this before, he was a lot more open with his like for people, but the farm made him paranoid of connection and he just couldnt risk it. unfortunately for him, repression just caused it to turn around and bit him in the ass. gl cyrus, have fun with your new friends <3

Cecilia- cecis extremely open, bombastic, and utterly unashamed to say that shes doing everything for the hell of it. thats still true, she really is just doing things for kicks, but the biggest thing she wants is friends. shes not shy about saying it, but she doesnt get what having a friend entails. so instead, she ends up chasing an mirage of what friends look like, without realizing it needs connection to work. the first time she found an actual friend in daniel since heartbreak, it threw her for a loop.

Cynthia- she thinks she needs to be sidestep again. its not something shell admit for various reasons– the complete impossibility of it being one of them– so instead she settles for telling ortega that she needs to stay a civilian for her sanity. to be fair, thats not a total lie, if she went back to being a hero she would crack. i know its not part of the question but as an extra little nugget, what she needs is for somebody to look at her now and still care for her even compared to sidestep. she is my only step that needs to be told "sidestep is dead" and i swear im trying to beat it into her with a stick.

questions are from here!

[doodlebeeberry]

i’d love to hear any thoughts on amelia you have

awesome i have permission to go nuts now 👍

i think her learning that the votes were fake would fuck her up more than folks tend to acknowledge honestly. and it's such a baseline piece of knowledge in regards to everything else that i think bryce and/or liam might very well just forget or skip over it in any explanations, so she would never really get the chance to know.

so like, even in a particularly good post 18 scenario, where the computer gets figured out pretty quick and everyone goes home safe and sound, she still would have to carry that weight around with her. the idea that all these people looked at her desperation and decided that she didn't deserve to be free of it. that she didnt deserve to be free, to be happy, to just live, you know? and whether that reflects moreso on them or, particularly if she assumes it to be a larger crowd, on herself. or perhaps even both, a view which would probably impact both her messy sense of self and the ways in which she engages with others quite negatively. and then eventually she learns that there was no point to all this strife, that there were no viewers, so it doesnt matter what the votes showed, not really. i don't exactly think that would go over well.

and like. it is entirely within the realm of possibility that she mightve learned the votes were fake at some point sooner, and we just didnt learn about it. like, between bryce's appearance in ep 16 and them pulling out the plug, there was definitely enough time for them to have a chat and for him to maybe fill her in on that fact. (which, by the way, i am so like vaguely frustrated by the fact that we never got to see what happened on the plane in that time. i really really wish we could've gotten a peek at that, i need to know how they got between those two points)

[javid-shamash]

69 for stras and aeon :-)

man. thisll be a long one. Stras first cause itll be a little shorter

aelwyd cannot be trusted. she's self serving and will sell out anyone if it gives her any sort of edge, no matter how small. he's pretty sure she can be trusted to hate bela but he does not trust her with literally anything else. everytime he's given her a chance to prove herself trustworthy she's immediately betrayed it

blank is so fucking naive and so easily manipulated its embarrassing. theyll listen to literally anything anyone says and that makes them so easy to use as a tool for ulterior purposes, and as such, cannot be trusted. also theyre obviously getting used like a goddamn puppet by probably vecna. whatevers going on, theyre not in total control, and as such is even MORE of a threat

chini is a threat fullstop. bela's in her fuckign BRAIN. absolutely cannot be trusted. he'll try to help kairii break her out of it but. man. whatever happens happens. if that means working with her, if that means getting rid of her. stras knows things will most likely break bad

kairii is... interesting. stras did not really think much of them except as a good fighter, but now that he's getting to know them, hes realizng theyre WAY more similar than he thought, and is kind of vibing?? they both know what theyre about. stras is beginning to think. there might be someone here who actually understands him

ira is. as she's always been. a nice, comfortable enigma. she's nice and helpful and he has no fucking clue what's up with her. he doesn't know where she will fall when the chips are down, but knows she helped him get the truth from that shadow thing in the last battle. he's hoping they can reach a consensus but. she's a mystery to him

Aeon time.

Thyme is... odd. theres really no other way to put it. aeon just categorically does not understand thyme at all. they dont understand thyme's priorities, thyme's motivations, why thyme cares so much about making things fancy, about being the one to win people over... thyme is. weird. theyre also not helpful with literally anything

sylvas!!!! bugboy. uhm. whats happening with you <3. aeon is confused by sylvas but in a different way than thyme because aeon does not know or understand what academics are and why sylvas cares about it. aeon wants to be supportive but is. confused. and also maybe theyre a teeny tiny bit a little jealous that they can get along with uo so well when aeon feels like they barely know how to interact with uo on a good day despite caring about them so much. the social anxiety swag

ymira is fun! she's really interesting and cool to talk and hang out with and is a nice cook. but also. aeon doesnt really. know how to talk to her. they feel like everytime theyve tried, its petered out and theyve just. completely failed to talk to her. plus when aeon asked her advice and she couldnt help at all they just. felt so dissappointed and they dont want to blame ymira for that. its not her fault. but there's a bit of bitterness that the one person he thought would understand. didnt

aine is some kind of creature of some sort. another one that aeon. doesnt really know how to interact with. but also aeon feels some solace in that. aine the most feels like someone aeon could sit in a room in silence with for hours and not feel like the silence is awkward or uncomfortable. which aeon just. really appreciates? aeon sort of likes not knowing much about aine because it means he can maintain this sort of. communal silence without worrying about personal shit interrupting

uo is aeon's first friend, and as i alluded earlier, aeon has no idea how to interact with them and feels very very embarrassed by it. they should know! they were in a similar environment, they have similar builds and fighting styles, theyve got similar interests... but aeon just. does not know how to talk to uo and it feels like uo says things that are important and necessary but aeon doesnt understand them at all. so. aeon feels. awkward. they care about uo a lot and appreciate them greatly. but it sucks not knowing how to talk to them. also there's some lingering issues with getting such a stark reminder of Woods Time but he's. mostly over it

echo goldaline. man. what a card. aeon has such a myriad of feelings about echo that he has no fucking clue what to do about. theyve been trying to like. sort and dissect their thoughts but everything keeps happening always and forever. so they never get a chance to just. think. and put their feelings into words. so its just a mess of confusion and bitterness and affection that cannot build into something concrete. they think theyre friends with echo. they dont want anything else. but beyond that. they dont know

[favoringeyes]

if you're still taking kagepro asks.....would love to hear any seto thoughts you have

oh god seto. seto is like. i think he's really underrated in the way people put him in the "pure" category and he's reduced to a cute cinnamon roll who protects everybody when like... that's not even remotely true. his whole arc in novel 8 is literally ABOUT that. since he met marry, it's only been about her, he neglected his other relationships for the sake of protecting her. deep down he saw her as him, he wanted to save her so he could save himself. he noticed kano struggling but ignored ever bringing it up for the sake of marry. even when kano finally opened up to him he admits all he could think abt was how could marry be protected from all of this? he's been lying to himself this whole time. i believe him keeping their friends death a secret from marry is supposed to be a literal representation of the lies he's been telling himself his whole life since he met her. that he didnt need anybody else, that he needed to dedicate his whole self to her, that nothing else mattered. he wanted to show marry a different world, a world devoid of the pain he had experienced, and maybe he could get a chance to experience that as well. even though, in many ways, he already had. he only realizes when theyre gone, how much he needed them. how much he loved his siblings, how much he neglected them. and it DESTROYS him. he cant stand it, he cant stand himself, he's a monster right? he tried to forget abt his family, his friends, when the person he'd been doing for, had actually been fighting for them this whole time. he's disgusting. he'd not just failed his friend and family but he failed marry as well. but u know what marry does? she accepts that. she accepts seto as he is, with everything he's done, all his flaws, she will still love him unconditionally. bc in the end, he had taught her how to love the fucked up world he had tried so hard to protect her from, and that includes him. seto doesnt have to be her prince, he never was, all he has to be is her friend. anyway i love seto a whole fucking lot and i think he goes through one of the most fascinating arcs, he actually parallels a LOT with saeru, in the way they both dedicate themselves to their loved one to an extreme, which is fucking insane to me. seto is so contradictory to himself i love it. like marry is the one who saved him in the end, and it literally takes all of his family and friends dying for him to realize that *explodes*. he had to face his flaws and mistakes head on, and learn that even with all he had done, he could still be loved. that he wasnt so damaged he could never be saved. and that's his ultimate act of bravery in my opinion.

[cow-legs]

Of course it does feel a little silly to make big update posts about how im burned out and am trying to take a break from drawing right in the middle of a time where im uploading new art more relatively consistently than i have in a very long time it feels like but i guess it was still important to make the distinction, between things that i enjoy drawing and can keep doing vs things i dont enjoy doing at all and need to stop immediately, just for my own sake.

Openly telling people "yuuup i'm not going to be drawing anything other than super basic shit from now on for a long time" means that whenever i think of drawing anything post-worthy i know i will feel silly for posting it after saying that, and from there if i still decide to go through with it anyway it was probably something i actually wanted to draw and enjoyed doing while if this thought made me self conscious enough to not go through with it then it was probably something i wanted to draw only due to impulsive obligation rather than something i wanted to spend time making just for the fun of doing it so the spell gets broken. So its a functional enough system, i guess.

&now that this distinction has been made in my brain i can spend more time doing shit i actually enjoy instead of letting it get beaten out by the things i "should" be working on every time

Putting my foot down and going "no, i am not going to keep forcing myself to do detailed clean lineart on even more detailed sketches when i get much more enjoyment out of just doing really rough and simple shit instead" after i have found myself independently coming to realizations about what kinds of art just suck the life out of me over and over again and then just disregarding these realizations every single time to go back to the shit that kills me because "well this is how you normally do it" or "this technically looks nicer, in some aspects" and finally just fucking forcing myself to stop doing that is probably overall more helpful to my mental health than just forcing myself to stop drawing altogether when thats a drastic move that may or may not be the actual solution. Now i am finding and re-learning ways to create things that don't make me feel like i am a walking corpse so i think i will take the feeling of thinking i look a little silly for seemingly disregarding my big life updates over never having found these things out for myself at all any day.

I don't really know why i feel like making update posts in the first place when to be honest i dont think it really matters, people arent paying me for any of this and i stopped feeling "sorry" for "not posting enough" or such things as that a long time ago so it's not like i feel any kind of legitimate need to tell people about what my status is creative-wise. But i guess a large part of it is just that i like talking and have a lot of things to say but for various personal reasons have no desire to post 99% of these thoughts publicly so it's the like rare chance i get to actually start saying shit on any of my art accounts that is actually relevant to the subject at hand without crossing my own boundaries and saying more than i am comfortable with

It is a little weird feeling writing update posts though because i dont really know how to word them in any way that doesnt come off as a fanfic authors note going "sorry its been a whole 20 minutes since the last update i got mugged and all my money was stolen and he broke my leg also but im trying my best to write more despite this" like girl focus on the mugging not this shit. When in reality i actually dont care very much about providing Content as much as the hypothetical fanfic author i just felt the need to say something because why not and didnt know how to word it in a way that makes me not come off like that. which is how you get this i guess. anyway i already forgot what the point of this post was i guess i just wanted to say some shit. which tracks i suppose.

The moral of the story or some shit i guess is that even if you are not doing art as a job it can still end up feeling like one and killing your creative spirit like one would and you need to be able to identify when this is happening and what things you dont actually want to create even though you feel like you "should" so you can kill these practices before they kill you

or something like that

I dont really care about having a point here i wrote this at 2 am

i just like talking

[bye-bye-firefly]

Hi!!! I’ve been in a total obsessing over Kaede mood lately and I would very much like to know what your thoughts are on her

god kaede is so good. the thing about kaede is that she would NEVER have gotten herself killed if it weren't for her ambition. the ambition she has is literally unmatched she has so much determination in her that if she didnt have it, she wouldnt have been a protag and she wouldnt have coached shuichi and she wouldnt have tried to kill the mastermind. one thing you have to know about her is that shes not the sweet mom friend and anyone who dumbs her down to Sweet Kindness knows NOTHING of the ruthlessness that is hidden in kaede. literally shes so awesome. she gives speeches to the group when she wants them to go through the death road of despair again. she is PUSHY. she is DEMANDING. shes not fucking clueless either she knows that these people are being pushed to their limit but SHE is not done so THEY are not done. i really think shes the type of person to see the people around her as extensions of herself, which i believe is further backed up by the passing of the torch from her to shuichi who when she meets him is NOT ready to be the protag at all but thats what the development is for. she rocks so fucking hard. AND THE GIRLS LOVE HER. kaede's biggest thing is charisma which i think makes sense considering what she does is Performance. shes a pianist and playing any instrument requires some level of performance as well as skill. but she is the person who gets shit done and if it werent for this, if it werent for the fact that she was so active, she probably wouldve lived. she wouldve never been framed because there wouldve been nothing to frame her for. it is for this reason i would classpect kaede as a knight. knight of WHAT? i dont know i lost it after i thought about it this isnt even in my notes, this is off the DOME

kaede is kind, though. like she really is undeniably kind but she CAN be ruthless. shes self-sacrificial. i dont think she took the risk of setting up a whole trap for the mastermind and DIDNT think that there was a chance she wouldve fucked it up. like you can tell this also because she just INSTANTLY accepts it. after going through the whole trial she passes the torch and encourages shuichi to persecute her and then she takes her punishment. straight up shes like I killed someone. I knew that this might happen. I took a risk and I'm going to take the consequences of this risk. and in this way she kind of brings the hope with her. kaede is hope in this game i think. right? her pushing and pushing and the way that kokichi is the one to speak out against her pushing during the death road of despair and hes seen as despair even though thats not exactly the truth and thats just what kokichi decides to put out to the group. kaede opposed by despair and this game also has the ideas of like hope HURTS people and she DOES hurt people by being so kind, by being so loveable, charismatic, pushing them and pushing them further and further only to . Fucking Kill Someone. kaede's death sets the tone for the whole game. you feel her haunting it. she gets mentioned again and again and you cant help but wonder with shuichi would things be different? if she were here? if she hadnt done what she did? and shuichi tosses the hope away at the end when he finds out that actually kaede didnt even kill anyone. the mastermind just framed her for it. he throws away what kaede represented because hes been shown that it doesnt matter if you choose hope or despair because either way, it doesnt matter. shuichi falls into nihilism, abandons the weight of kaedes death, and ultimately WINS without hope OR despair. kaede is instrumental to this game and i LOVE her. FOREVER

[scrabble-scribbles]

ok. fuck you.

I am so tired, and im gonna try to put to words the realization I just had after arguing with another brain-dead adult

Queer people will NEVER be safe. never, not in this world, and not for a good, long time. No other minority group will EVER be safe, not for decades or centuries. You know why?

Any amount of bigotry aimed at my community is a threat. any bigotry has the chance to grow and grow non-stop, even if it starts with one person, it will grow. the argument that “you have rights now, you’re safe” is such fucking bullshit, and I genuinely do not understand how anyone can believe that.

You know what was a right? Abortion. Guess what is no longer a right, because bigoted people were left to their hatred, because “its a right now, abortion is safe” was used to quiet anyone trying to get the SCOTUS case codified? Thats fucking right. Abortion is no longer a right in the US. it was. but bigots were allowed to keep feeding their hatred, their ignorance, and because of that still-existing bigotry, no matter how quiet or small they might have been, got to remove my rights to bodily autonomy. 

The argument that once you have rights, they’re there forever, shows SO MUCH ignorance in how the world works. having rights means dogshit. a piece of paper saying “you have the right to live” MEANS NOTHING. 

I dont get why this is so hard to understand. having rights doesnt equate to saftey in ANY WAY. Black people have rights. they’re still killed by the cops. Queer people have rights. How many trans people have been killed by bigots already? how many kids have tried killing themselves because of the slurs thrown at them? How many queer people are homeless and starving because they were kicked out for their sexuality? Disabled people have rights, but if i wanted to adopt, I’d have to prove that my disabilities dont make me any less of a person. Disabled people still suffer from lack of autonomy, how many times have you seen a douchebag refuse to listen to a wheelchair user when they say they dont need help?

Having rights does not mean that bigotry is gone, it just means that the government (who we all know gives absolutely ZERO fucks about anyone) did the bare minimum to pretend they care so they look good for their voters, and stay in power. 

I will never be safe as long as queerphobia exists. I will never be safe as long as abelism exists. There is not a single minority in this world that will be safe as long as bigotry exists.

laws are written words. laws are fucking worthless. no law will stop the transphobic people from killing trans people. no laws will stop a racist cop from shooting an innocent man. no laws HAVE ever stopped bigotry.

what do they do? they tell bigots they need to hide, and be quieter with their plans and attacks. they tell minorities that our lives are only worth a few bits of ink on powerless paper. 

saying I have nothing to be scared of because the government codified gay marriage is one of the most ignorant things i have ever seen.

a law wont protect me from the football player who called me a dyke when he saw the rainbow on my shirt

a law didnt stop the TSA agents who refused to touch me when they saw my trans pin

a law didnt materialize to keep me from being shoved into a wall by a security guard when I tried going to the bathroom

a law didnt stop my friend from being strangled to death by someone who thought they were a threat for simply existing.

the law didnt help my friend who was assaulted when they accidentally let slip that they were queer  

a law didnt protect the people who were murdered simply for existing in public, or the people beaten for it.

We will not be safe until bigotry is gone. Never. we can’t be. until bigotry is gone, there will always be people who’s hatred overpowers their caution. there will always be people who hate me so much that they would risk going to prison just to hurt me, because in their eyes, my existence is something so utterly vile, something so horribly evil and wrong, that any method justifies getting rid of me.

I’m not safe. Neither are you. and we won’t ever be.

[weirdmageddon]

five years too late let’s analyze this. the commentary has gotten me back into gravity falls reigniting thoughts and insights i came to years ago

i love everything about this commentary in general it hits the points of humor, genuine analysis of the characters, but most of all im so glad hirsch addressed that the droid not detecting any fear from dipper here doesnt make any scientific sense because that was a massive CinemaSins moment for me

IDK the fact that dipper can fucking stand after an airship crash because theres a bigger threat at hand is literally one of the defining capabilities owed to adrenaline lol...... IM SORRY im a biopsychology student if i dont point that out iwill seethe and die because that was just . its a grudge ive held for a long time about this episode but didnt rant about because it was something so minor and i’m sure nobody would care.

i was 13 when this episode came out and i’m almost 19 now, i had a special interest in biology and i still do but now i’m actually having college classes in biopsychology so i can give my arguments more oomph now. and i have to say, now that i know more about the brain and autonomic nervous system the more this scene bugs me, if that was even possible. and it says a lot of dipper and ford’s relationship.

if dipper clearly wasnt calm before, why would he be now just because he’s put up an outwardly confident facade? before he was in the flight but now hes in the fight. my boy just rode on top of a spaceship by nothing but a magnet gun that could detach at any time if it failed and then the ship crashed, he sustained injuries, is in emotional turmoil because he thinks his uncle is Fucking Dead and the threat of a security droid that detects adrenaline is on his tail and produces a Big Fucking Gun in response to dipper saying “i hAvE a MaGNeT gUn” and hes screaming and has his teeth clenched but sure there’s no adrenaline coursing through his body in that moment i can totally believe that

when dipper asks what happened, ford says “the orb didn’t detect any chemical signs of fear, it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled” but i don’t think measuring someone’s heartbeat alone is particularly relevant in detecting ... chemical signs of fear?? they dont really tell you this shit but noradrenaline (and maybe adrenaline too if the acetylcholine from sympathetic outflow always activates the adrenal medulla??, theres two pathways) is always active in small quantities to make sure your parasympathetic nervous system doesnt slow your heart to dangerous levels on its own, regardless of your emotions. it’s just a homeostatic mechanism. your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are CONSTANTLY modulating control of your organs on a see-saw, literally with every breath you take. simply standing upright causes specialized mechanoreceptor neurons in blood vessels to signal your brain to project signals to release catecholamines via the sympathetic nervous system to constrict your blood vessels so that blood is able to reach your brain and not pool in your legs. i have a deficiency in my body’s ability to adapt to this which is why i know so much about it. if i stand up my heart races to compensate. i’m not feeling fear, my body is just adjusting—albeit grossly and incompetently lol.

but what im saying here is that the security system is flawed. it’s a cool idea to have security droids detect fear, but in practice by detecting adrenaline, and not even directly by detecting the molecule itself—it’s done in a roundabout way by reading the heartbeat, could be a recipe for false alarms. like what if someone’s on beta-blockers. that’s not really an adequate way to measure “fear”; there’s so many variables that could interfere with the measurement the farther you abstract from what you’re really trying to detect. and besides, adrenaline is NOT just a sign of fear, it’s just for preparing the body for action. i know the sympathetic nervous system and adrenaline is constantly linked with the “fight-or-flight” reaponse to a stressor, but 99.9% of the time the sympathetic nervous system is used in your life is to balance out your parasympathetic nervous system to maintain homeostatic equilibrium for mundane things.

i think detecting amygdalar activation would be more efficient in detecting fear. the amygdala sends projections to the hypothalamus which then in turn modulates the autonomic nervous systems. but the amygdala is intensely activated specifically in response to a fear-inducing stimulus (it does activate in response to other emotions but they’re mostly negative and is most activated by startle and fear), and wouldnt be highly activated by many other confounding variables like measurement of the heartbeat could be. the amygala is one of the first stops directly from external stimuli.

to show you how integrated the amygdala is as the first step in registering fear after receiving input from sensory stimuli let’s look at the auditory-amygdala connection for example

see how the auditory thalamus projects to the primary auditory cortex and auditory association cortex? the cortex is where conscious awareness of what the stimuli is comes from. this is the “high road”. it goes sensing -> perception -> emotional response. but sometimes you can be startled without even processing what it is you’re sensing, like the startle response of an alarm or a phone ringing in a quiet house before you even register what it is. this goes sensing -> emotional response, without perception happening until after you’ve already felt the startle. that’s when it takes the “low road”. here’s a simplified version:

even if that were the case with these droids though it’s obvious dipper is still fearful on some level here. his body language, voice, expressions all give it away. for the amygdala, aggression isnt too off from fear so it would be detected equally.

the reason this is so important is because ford uses this as evidence for why dipper is special, “i did it?” “you did it. this is what i was talking about, how many 12 year olds do you think are capable of doing what you’ve just done?”

but like....did he really? i’m not saying this to shoot dipper down or make him out to be more of a wuss, he was incredibly strong-willed here and i dont want to take that away from him because it WAS growth on his part. but the underlying psychophysiological reactions of aggression and fear shouldn’t be that different and this was a total asspull. maybe the droid was so old that it fucked up. maybe dipper being covered in grime and dirt made it harder for the droid to measure the correct heart rate through photoplethysmography (im assuming since they use a camera and are non-contact).

and in all honesty everything i just said brings into question the interpersonal healthiness of ford’s judgements, what he thinks, his expectations, and how he communicates that. in this video alex already talks about how ford is projecting onto dipper. and i think ford may be projecting his expectations for himself onto people who are not him, and the fact that it’s on dipper here makes it far more unfortunate. you realize how much this boy idolizes ford, right? how much impressions matter? dipper even tells himself before he leaves in this same episode, “all right dipper, this is your first big mission with great uncle ford. don’t mess this up.”

even though it’s unstated, the implicit message dipper is perceiving from ford based on their dynamic is: “do you have what it takes for me to be proud of you?” and to accomplish this he must be like ford, even though he’s clearly not and he knows this. he says “i don’t think have what it takes. i was tricked by bill, i was wrong about stan’s portal, heck, i can’t even operate this magnet gun right.” then, by simple chance without even knowing what he did, he activates the magnet gun and pulls out the adhesive, which immediately takes the focus away from what dipper was telling ford about his feelings of inadequacy to ford saying, “yes! dipper, you found the adhesive!”

these thoughts of dipper’s hang in the air without resolve or comment from ford. we don’t know what ford would have said. but it then becomes painfully self-evident in the scene immediately after when the droids emerge and ford tells dipper, “they’re security droids and they detect adrenaline. you simply have to not feel any fear and they won’t see you”, to which dipper replies with an exasperated (and rightful) “WHAT?”

dipper goes in a panic trying to indirectly tell his uncle that this isn’t something he can do. and he is completely right and valid to be freaked out by that full stop. that IS crazy. you can’t control your fear. you can control how you interpret that fear in your higher brain regions but the physiological changes will stick around for longer than it takes to cognitively calm down. it’s easy for me to detach from my emotions to analyze them, but being able to do this does not come naturally for everyone. even i have an irrational fear of wasps and i can’t control it by detaching myself, my body is just automatically primed to get the fuck out of there. i know it’s stupid and i know it’s irrational and isn’t helpful to get myself worked up but i literally can’t stop how my body reacts no matter how i cognitively think about it. expecting composure from dipper in a situation like this when he’s being made to consciously be aware of his anxiety is absolutely fucking insane. look what you did, placing these cruel expectations on him, now he’s afraid of being afraid! this isn’t a case where two wrongs cancel out, they just stack on top of each other.

there’s a good reason these scenes were put side by side but it seems up until now it had remained unanalyzed.

what dipper fears from ford is disappointment. not living up to his uncle’s (quite frankly badly placed) expectations for a twelve year old with anxiety. not once did ford say or subliminally communicate “i don’t expect you to be able to do what i can since you are not as experienced as i am and that’s perfectly okay, no judgements”. you don’t put a child on bike before training wheels. you don’t throw a kid into a swimming pool without giving them swimming lessons. the way ford is doing it, there’s no room for trial and error or mistakes that are an opportunity to grow and learn; instead, it’s life or death. he only seems to pride dipper on what he can do while ignoring the underlying struggles that plague him and never making it known it’s okay for dipper to fail in front of his hero and that he won’t think anything less of him for it.

and that’s why i found the ending scene for dipper and ford’s adventure in this episode to feel so.. wrong. on a scientific and social level. because by the sound of it ford focused more on what dipper had done to dismantle the droid (the droid not detecting any fear) instead of how dipper displayed love and protection for him even if he was truly afraid. what if the science was accurate and the droid detected adrenaline while dipper was confidently standing up for his uncle. would ford still be proud of him regardless?

[qingxintea]

heartbreak avenue (3) || albedo x reader

heartbreak avenue (1) heartbreak avenue (2) -- tell me how, do you do this thing called living? when theres nothing more to gain. gn reader -- ignore the link below idk how tf to hyperlink on mobile but that’s ur part 4 ig

damn. imagine missing mond so much that you visit just for the vibes and accidentally become a one time vigilante for dominating over a couple abyss mages

how oddly specific!

you moment.

TO BE FAIR, you didn't mean to and also ur just strong with that 245% crit damage ugh yeah yeah get it ig

it was night time, like, idk 1am and you were in this cloak because idk look swaggy and comfortable

abyss mage went ŏ̸̡̡̹̘͉̫̬̬̭̘̙̝͐͒̆̈́̒̿̄́͠͝ǒ̸̧̺͕̣̬̝̱͈̭̭̻̮̈̏̔͆̑̀̍ǫ̵̡̜̲̭̠̤̰̹͍̣͎̤̈́̓̍͠ḩ̴̡͍̣̹̯̭̩̮̣̩̭́̔̀̍͊̂͒́̆͘͜͝͝ȃ̷̧̡̢̡̨̛̪͓̤̜͕̳̦̼͊̏̃͆̓̈́̈́̽̈́͌͐̋̚ͅh̸̡̩͍̟͕̥͚̰̰̟̮̖̪̉̈́͛͂̍̾a̸̧̢͕̙̞̳̩͈̲͉͕̒̆̎̐̎̍̀͊͘̚͝h̸̡̼͓̝͕̫̤̰̱̬̣̗͚̙̀͜ and you were like "lmao shut up"

and like it did! because you made it shut up and also mans diluc was watching in his dark knight hero thingy

of course you noticed his presence from the beginning, you just wanted to piss him off and act like he wasn't there at all

you walked. straight past him like he was actually on the bridge in the middle and you just w al ked .

i mean ofc he gonna say something. and he did. dude said "who r u"

stared at him directly in the eye and said "the embryo made of chewed bubblegum."

he stared. sh o ck ed . what were you even saying

"jk im a resident of mondstadt, visiting from my liyue trip."

"and how do i know you arent lying?"

you sighed and grabbed your dendro vision, letting him look at the frame. "its incased in a mondstadt styled frame." after a few seconds, you put it back. "if that is all, i'll be going."

"k"

"literally fuck off" you responded and walked inside.

sometimes you forget how rude mondstadt people are lmao loser.

ok so like this donna girl really went up to you like "JFKLSJFLKSDJFL NUMBER ??? HELLO ?? UMM THE WAY YOU SAVED MONDSTADT RLKDFFC" and you resisted every urge to flip her off on the spot.

you just stayed and let her talk, smiling through all of it. your hood was still on but it was quite windy s ooo

its been ten minutes. girl please let us go. you were literally begging for anyone to cut in because ur too nice (or unbothered) to tell her to shut up even though you totally went off on diluc aadahahhshdf

and someone did! not the one you expected though.

"good evening donna, and... oh? who would you be?"

ALBEDO LMAO GET STICKBUGGED? ? ? ?? AH a hjfkahfjah . im so funny .

guys i meant that ironically please

anyway

you got even more uncomfortable lmao and you just looked at him and smiled. what do you respond? "no one of importance."

he heard your voice, saw your eyes and it registered. it was you...

or was that what he wanted to believe?

cause this whole time hes been waiting for you, only using experiments as a thing to pass time. it got... a little more lonelier, because nothing could replace you.

he decided to not believe it. because 1) you knew well they welcomed you with open arms, so there would be no need to hide yourself

(which is also proof of how much the whole situation fucked up your thinking)

a second of silence before he continues on the conversation with normal evening meeting stuff things idk

then ur like "ahhshaaajk i must be taking my leave now for matters i will not disclose ahaha skidoosh"

skidoosh

so you go to the big venti statue next to the cathedral and just stand. stare. yikes

no ones out right now and theres nothing to do. but you remember this place because its where the both of yall would eat together whenever he had free time (which wasnt that often, but he still made the effort)

you look up to the sky, counting all the stars like you used to.

no ones gonna know that you're here, you decided on that. you only visited because you simply missed it, but after this, you were going back to liyue.

no ones gonna know. because no one needs to know. no one needs to know that you were here. that would only cause more trouble to the situation you tried to avoid

albedo ends up catching up to you later, still having some spark of hope left that it really was you

i mean lowkey there isnt really anything saying it wasnt. he wanted to believe that he was just overthinking when he thought it really wasnt you

like you look the same. sound the same. its just the reasoning of you coming here, but he can push that aside

"(y/n)."

you flinch but didnt react with anything else. he doesnt need to know that its you.

"(y/n)?"

you turn around to meet his eyes as he was approaching you. slightly distancing yourself another inch away as you were not used to the proximity, you responded, "i'm afraid i'm not the one you're looking for."

albedo stops for a moment, and was about to apologize,, but then

yknow that wind i mentioned earlier? like right after donna started bothering you

yeah that same wind blew ur hood off! lmao L

okay time to get serious !

you stay composed and sighed, your breath visible in the cold air.

so your features are exposed, and its so obviously you, like theres literally no way it cannot be you

"it really is you..." he doesnt understand why youre not admitting to it. "(y/n), please.."

you shake your head and walk away but mans grabs your wrist gently

"(y/n), whats wr-" he starts, but youre quick to respond

"im not (y/n)." you flat out said it and looked right into his eyes. and you swear there were small tears even if he was deemed nonchalant.

he doesnt understand, its your physical features, and your same energy, there is no other person that completely matches it.

he pulls you closer to examine this black smudge on your hand, a small yelp of surprise coming from you.

"this is... ink," he studied the properties of the substance. "you responded to my letter a day ago. (y/n)... i know by now. there's no reason to hide it."

you step away, freeing your hand from his grasp. your voice broke, tears forming in the corners of your eyes. "i'm not... i'm not (y/n). i never will be. i'll never be so vulnerable again, i'll never be so naive again, i'll never be so lonely again, i will never ever be anything like they were again."

your vision blurred, but you werent oblivious to the tears streaming down his face as well. reaching to brush them away, you paused and let it drop to his shoulder instead.

"albedo. i... the (y/n) you knew... they're gone now. and if i could revert back to them any time, i would, i swear, but... i'm al-... they..." you buried your head in your hands. "i'm broken. to the point that i refuse to identify as the (y/n) you know me by."

doesnt know what to say, so he almost pulls you into a hug before you move out of the way. something you never did.

"don't... please. it never works out in the end." you shake your head, facing the other way. "for me at least."

"..we could work together, no?" he tried, still oblivious about your feelings towards him.

"only if you're willing to cross your moral boundaries," you looked back and tilted your head. taking a deep breath, you continued, "but you know that neither of us are willing to do that."

he couldn't say anything, because as much as he hated to admit something for once, you were right about that. at this point, he would've thought that literally any extent would've been fine to reach to bring you back.

yet in multiple situations where he's doubted himself before, theres always a line he will never cross.

"...i wish you the best. treat her well because i worked hard." you walked away without him stopping you this time. i worked hard. not we worked hard.

even if you had honestly felt that way, there was no chance the old you wouldve actually voiced that.

and so he watched you slip from his grasp again, only this time, he stopped himself from holding you back from his own will.

yet he swears- the next time he meets you again, he will bring you back.