#it is my fault for expecting better. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

katyspersonal · 1 year

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I really do not deserve sympathy if I keep trusting into people who obviously can only hurt and invalidate everything about me and everything we had as soon as I don't meet some of their selfish expectations. As soon as I start to feel safe and accepting living together, I fucking hear "we have no reason to be friends if you don't get into the videogames that I love" when I explained 500 times how I interact with videogames and fiction and why I cannot just waste my days playing many of them and why I cannot simply chug up new information and content often.

But really, why should anyone care about the fact that I get hurt again and that I am crying again, when I am the one who never fucking learns and keeps giving a chance to a person that I /know/ doesn't care and will harm me when I expect it the least? That every time it is another dumb, stupid, minor thing that magically makes me no longer important. That I cannot be honest and cannot be myself without being punished for it every time. That I just am not worthy of acceptance and understanding and unconditional love, it seems. That I am never good enough. Maybe people that hate me and want to exterminate me for the awful sin of having terrible mental health were right. Maybe I am weak for expecting anything from wrong kind of people. And the weakest must be gone.

#she was right. i should die because i am weak and stupid.#just so you could abuse me for not meeting every darn of your selfish expectations?#and frame me as a bad person for the limits of how fucking much my brain can focus on?#in the end maybe it is not your fault.#it is my fault for expecting better.#it is my fault for expecting ANYTHING.#in the end i've got nothing to lose except for the problems i am inflicting on my friends by-#-merely my presence in their lives #i don't have a future and i don't have goals #and sure as hell i don't have a brain to deserve better #because i do it all to myself. by trusting the wrong people #by forgiving when i should not and by failing to put the boundaries that i should #by not standing my ground and by chameleoning to someone else's opinion just to not fall apart #and the only people that could love me for who i really am only face endless beating for doing so #/vent

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chikahoshi · 1 year

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I commissioned @tikklil from Twitter/Instagram again to draw 42 Miles/42 Gwen based off @bloody-writing's fic Tonight You Belong To Me. This fic is the reason why I ship them so hard, so I think it's only fitting that I commission fanart inspired by this fic as a thank you. Hopefully, I can do some more commissions based on this fic because there are scenes that I really think is worth seeing illustrated. So fingers crossed. (As a disclaimer, I did get permission to post the commission here.)

#miles x gwen #gwiles #ghostprowler #tempted to tag ghostflower too...but i'm going to hold off from doing so #also...this isn't 100% strictly faithful to the fic...#some of this was due to my fault for not being more prepared to present the details to the artist #some of this I just thought it would be better to change some minor details...#anyways if anyone saw my post where i said i was going to take a break from commissions #depending on how my personal life goes that break might be a lot smaller than i thought it would be...#but yeah...I'm just waiting to see how that goes and if things go the way i hope it will be #then for sure you'll see some more commissions a lot sooner than i had expected :)#i will give a hint though that the next commission idea is going back to 1610 miles and 65 gwen...there's been an idea that's been stuck in #my head for a few months and i really want to see that come to life #it makes me happy thinking about so i hope it will be the same for others too

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helluvabunch · 4 months

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"it's a trauma response" and "it's a shitty way to treat someone" are not mutually exclusive btw ✨

#i can be UNDERSTANDING of trauma without making it a get out of jail free card #i can empathize with them because of trauma. the trauma wasnt their fault. how they handle it is in their hands though #how they want to grow from here and the way they treat people is still their responsibility #i say as very much a trauma bitch myself #yes of course this is about stolitz #full moon spoilers #helluva boss spoilers #we hold people accountable for their actions in this household while also treating them with care and dignity #in real life too in real life too i love my traumatized chosen family and so i will not infantilise them #trauma has controlled our lives enough thank you i dont need it to make my loved ones feel they cant tell me when ive been shitty #i love them i want them to expect to be treated well. yknow?#i want to expect better of myself and for them to expect i want to be better #yknow?#so i get irked when people equate 'trauma response' to 'completely outside of the persons control forever'#anywaaayyys ✨✨✨#rant in tags #trauma response #which is also why i personally find it delicious that blitz tries to say sorry at the end #makes me wonder... is that another layer of trauma response? or was he fully genuine after seeing the hurt?#yummy

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delicourse · 2 years

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ohh to befriend a wolf...

#asirpa #retar #golden kamuy #gk #deliart #missed drawing asirpa sooo much #also #how many of my gk artworks at this point is just me drawing an animal #but it is not my fault noda included so many animals not only directly but also allegorically or thematically or whatever #what im trying to say is that many characters. got fursonas.#i am not to blame...#btw the anime!! actually looks better #its a solid mid now!!! which honestly i didnt expect. it is enough for me #interested in seeing which arcs they pick....#somehow surprised they did the pet monster arc!!! i was soo sad when i read the manga. and realized that #itd probably be too late for those chapters to be included since they happened so far back #ice skating kid........ king #also guaranteed usami next week.!! nice nice nice

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uncanny-tranny · 11 months

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By implying that children are too stupid and rude to learn about the world and learn how the world works and how to interact with others, you are casting responsibility away from the people who are responsible for that child's upbringing and placing the blame on the children (who don't have the autonomy given to them to be allowed to decide what they want) who can't help what they do and do not learn, often.

If the children aren't okay, then investigate why before turning to thought-terminating clichés of, "Well, the kids are just stupid and dumb and aren't even worth the effort because they're lazy!"

#youth liberation #i was really bothered when i saw this clip where this person was saying almost verbatim that...#...'kids [these days] are too STUPID and they're teachers are scared!'...#...why is the blame placed on the kids who have no control over school curriculum and what their home life is like or if they have money...#...it's because when you place the blame on the people with no power or control you don't have the responsibility to change circumstances..#...you essentially keep the status quo while simultaneously belittling a group of vulnerable people...#...and thus you feed into the cyclical nature of the broken education system #the kids these days AREN'T okay but it ISN'T THEIR FAULT...#...it's the fault of late-stage capitalism and poorly-funded education and a world that wasn't even built with them in mind...#...they had NO PART in the creation of the world which is hostile to their entire existence #don't mind the incorrect usage of their in the second tag i was so focused on how pissed i was #also remember how a good chunk of these kids lived through *checks notes* the fucking PANDEMIC LOCKDOWN #which was a clown show in terms of supporting kids and their parent/s #some places handled lockdown in the US better than others but holy fuck in my area at least it was a nightmare #what do you expect from parents who are now working full-time and teaching part/full-time and parenting full-time?#what support exactly are you expecting they recieved? because you'll likely find they got either a little or NONE #hilarious that i used the wrong their in a post subtweeting about education LOL #look i was focused on how PISSED i was lol cut me some slack here

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humanmorph · 1 month

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austin should just never say what vibe a season is going for ever again because i keep seeing people referencing him talking about palisade as a hopeful season (as something they're aiming for, at least) & well. how it didn't really shake out that way. people including me btw i have thought about this many a times (probably most during the questlandia game post Oh-You-Know-What happening!)

edit: where tf did he even say that because it was not the playlist thing like i thought. unless i just missed it 3 times

#it's one thing to have a goal (& even there: thing to keep in mind vs hard rule?) and another to set expectations #& it's not like i'm really faulting austin for that especially bc. if i remember right he said that first on the thing he recorded -#- for the playlist! talking about song choices in relation to the season!#i don't quite know where i'm going w that it's just. many people never heard him say that and DIDN'T have expectations and probably in some #- cases that meant they had a better time of it. and ig i wish i could've been one of those people #wouldn't have helped with all my grievances certainly but probably a few!#as is it kind of stuck with me #palisadeposting #palisade spoilers #ish.#ig don't know how i feel seeing it mentioned alongside more genuine(?) criticisms to make about the season #which i personally haven't even articulated for myself yet though i've seen a few i at least somewhat agree with...#anywho i just got jumpscared by slyvi liking my leapcas comic

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dykedvonte · 5 months

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If Ulysses has a million haters, then I'm one of them. If Ulysses has one hater, then I'm THAT ONE. If Ulysses has no haters, that means I'm dead. If the world is with Ulysses than I’m against the world.

#this is slightly joking but like also not but also like am mixed on Ulysses on many factors #infuriating because i sympathize with his pain but it’s like #he is a well written and fundamentally flawed character whose hypocrisy I found doubly in #black characters I can tell were designed by white people with a semblance of an understanding of activism and bipoc oppression #but not enough for the character to not feel like hand holding for the majority white audience #plus personal grips with the whole twisted hairs thing and reference to slave braiding patterns #Ulysses irks me as a black person on a weird personal level and I can go into debt on why him being black is a big detractor for him to me #like he continues this cycle of distancing himself from his roots before remembering over and over again through his actions #he leave so much in his wake that the courier ends up correcting or helping like in honest hearts and old world blues because he’s self #righteous in a subtle way even to himself that he believes he stand out of his one man rule when he does not play an active hand #saw a post talk about how you choose to continue moving through his story and can leave at any moment and this it is partially your fault #but what of the oath that is set before you and is forced to take that he set up #I do not have to walk it but when I do the steps are not my own but those taken for me #you have to go out of your way to change it which is not something he expects because he’s playing by a story he’s been perpetuating in his #head about you two and the effect one man has when he’s continually been that one man more so than you as many of his actions directly lead #to the one you go through also the irony in the flag he continues to bear being the real reason he has no home #like he reps it when the package is likely enclave and thus use the same symbol #also still can’t get over how anyone could have delivered the package and he tries so hard to act like it was the couriers destiny or fate #when this was the one case of chance and that once man was likely a enclave engineer and how it’s really is never one man #it the process and he’s so annoying about it like he’s a cool character but if you don’t believe in his philosophy or already went through #these ideas cause they are very common talking points in poc especially BIPOC spaces he’s just old hashings and stunted #fallout #fallout new vegas #Ulysses you upset me but I’m like I feel you could be better if you weren’t so incessant #I don’t think I ever want to make a serious post stating this about him just because I’d start yapping and it’d never get finished #ulysses fnv #fnv ulysses #lonesome road

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grandpasauce · 24 days

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also so like, tomorrow is the Q&A on discord, soooo does that mean that "companion week" was rly just them sharing a couple screenshots on twitter (more or less)?

lmaoo yas go dragon age marketing team give us nothing

#its my fault for expecting like actual content of the companions or something tho i know better than to get my hopes up with da marketing #idc about being spoiled before the game launches tbh i wanna knooowwww thingss #theres always the chance there will be more tho #but prolly not. no shade to the team i just think its hilarious #dragon age #datv

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rolandapostatize · 7 months

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cannot get over how theodore 7th time loop is written actually. 13 year old's suicidal tendencies resolved by having polite conversation with the person he loves most and whom he was doing all that for, and who has never before in his life clearly communicated with him at all, and who due to his own emotional immaturity decided that the best way to protect his desperate younger brother is to never talk to him and act as terrifying as possible around him. one unwell child eliminating another unwell child's problems, that he was contributing to, in a single conversation

like i cant get over how quickly the conflict was introduced and resolved.

#v*ncent n*ghtray is crying in my brain as i write this #not to say that that was his exact situation he just lives in my brain so that subplot reminded me of him #i just wish 7th time loop was more fucked up and better written. like arnold is gonna commit patricide in a few years #youd think thered be some atmospheric tension regarding the complete absence of his father in the plot (when we know hes right there in the #same palace)#im just imagining a version of it thats more fucked up and better written and also with less generic alternate-europe worldbuilding #generally when i fing myself wishing a story was more fucked up i do stop to consider that maybe thats my fault and im expecting it to be #something it isnt. and that fair on its own #however the writing IS bad - disregarding my own preferences #and i suppose its just that when im thinking of how it could be better my preferences affect my ideas #however if i WAS well written - just not to my tastes - my brain would not be complaining about it #also the economics in this show are so nothing. like again no effort put in. i struggle with understanding money related concepts #all the time but even i can see that

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sailforvalinor · 1 year

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Idk if this is controversial, but studying for a English/writing degree at university shouldn’t make you NOT want to engage with writing or literature. Just a thought.

#the amount of times one of my literature professors presented us with the worst reading or interpretation (some of which were just plain #revolting) of a piece of literature almost as if she were expecting us to like it just because it was sensational and me and everyone else #going ‘um. no. sorry. not only does that make no sense but now I kind of want to throw up’#I just came here to read some gothic lit and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now. (my fault for signing up for gothic lit I suppose)#her English survey class made me never want to look at the written word again #however I know this isn’t me having an issue with survey classes (although the rate they make you read at is kind of ridiculous and I read #fast: case in point for one of them I had to read Huck Finn in 9 days)#because I took American Survey from another professor and it was really challenging but probably the best course I ever took at university #I was not expecting to develop such a distaste for the academic world at uni but maybe that’s just my university (whenever I complain about #this my mom always tells me I need to watch Dead Poet’s Society lol)#siggggghhh anyway. hoping for some better classes with my exchange program (although none of them are writing/English as I’m almost #finished with my degree)#english lit #university #english #college

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mossyinkynebulous · 8 months

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I'm drawing it later, but:

Tim and Jay doing the rubber room w/ rats made me crazy thing while Brian is just sitting there.

Jay says out of nowhere, I want to kiss you on the mouth to Tim and then immediately went back to the chant.

Brian laughing at the outburst, the only one addressing the detour.

Alex walks in for a moment realizes what's happening and just turns around and leaves.

#mossy thoughts #why has this idea occured #I am currently in a room with two people doing the bit #I'm expecting the friend we're waiting on to just do what I wrote for Alex #I an Brian in this situation #I started this #It's my own fault #I should've known better than to start it #I only do it once #Not repeated #This has gone for roughly 15 minutes #marble hornets #incorrect Marble Hornets quotes #jam #tim marble hornets #jay marble hornets #brian marble hornets #alex marble hornets

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kaiserkisser · 1 month

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today is such a stark contrast to yesterday in how much i fucking hate today (vent/rant in tags bc i forgor to do it on my vent one)

#[🔮] rambles ~#lmfao you speak up in this household? WRONG. MISTAKE. HOW DARE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH.#expressing your thoughts? fucking blasphemy #“oh you do know you can tell me anything anytime right? ” what a joke #gods #fuck this shit #you know what i need to learn properly? keeping my mouth fucking shut. keeping my thoughts to myself.#why do i even bother #I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING #just you know spoke the truth which is apparently forbidden or smth #its not my fault shes a hypocrite????? cant accept the truth thats her fucking problem #honestly i genuinely cant think of an adult around me who isnt a hypocrite but im sure there hopefully is #and then she comes again all sweet sickly smiles expecting me to shower her with love the next moment after being fucking scolded like hell #for saying ome single fucking line of my thoughts that she so encourages me to “express”#as if everything is my fucking fault #atp i hate myself as much too bc why do i let myself get affected i should have grown used to this shit years ago #i should know better than to let her get to me yet look at me being a sentimental lil bitch #god i just wanna get out of here please #anyways shit this didnt go to my vent blog fuck im sorry yall had to read that guys please feel free to ignore lmao #but yk i had to get my feelings out somewhere bc wwll i bottle up enough already lol #tw vent

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front-facing-pokemon · 1 year

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#THANK YOU to thegilettemindrazer or whatever your url is. you know who you are. bonus episode for you all #didn't expect to be doing one of THESE today but HERE WE ARE! this one is actually pretty good ffp wise #because of the big spike on their head and the dopey look they're giving the camera. it's cute and to be honest i thought the big hair spike #would end up looking better when ffp'd but since it's the same color as the rest of the guy it's a little hard to see #so it just ends up being mostly the silly look you can see. manectric was a WHILE ago i'm surprised it took everyone this long to notice #my own fault for forgetting them‚ though. here they are #mega manectric

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wonder-worker · 6 months

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A.J Pollard’s biography on Edward IV was so cringe lol (generic; minor but frustrating inaccuracies; intensely judgmental at times and oddly dismissive at others while never considering the broader context; entirely diminished and trivialized Elizabeth Woodville as both queen and wife of his main subject in the name of "defending" her; created a false dichotomy between Edward and Henry VII’s styles of ruling and lauded the latter at the former’s expense even though Henry literally followed Edward’s example for the very things Pollard was criticizing Edward for; had a downright nonsensical and thoroughly misleading conclusion about Edward’s legacy & Richard’s usurpation that was based entirely on hindsight, Pollard's own assumptions, and the complete downplaying Richard’s agency and actions to emphasize what Pollard wrongly and misleadingly claimed were Edward's so-called 'failings', etc, etc)

I wanted to buy his book on Henry V but after reading this shitshow and the synopsis of that book, im guessing it's going to be 10x worse, so...no thanks

#history media #this was written months ago im posting it to get it out of my drafts #it wasn't necessarily BAD. it was generic and readable. but it was very disappointing and misleading and its conclusion was just nonsense #listen I have no patience for the dumbfuck idea that edward somehow had the ultimate responsibility for his own son's deposition because #of his 'policies' during his reign. like I said it's based fully on hindsight and entirely devoid of actual context. it's bafflingly stupid #literally everyone expected Edward V to succeed his father and 'both hoped for and expected' (Croyland's own words) a successful reign #Edward V's deposition was richard and solely Richard's fault lol this should not be difficult to understand #the reason Richard's usurpation was possible in the first place was bcause everyone expected E5 to succeed and didn't expect Richard #do to what he did. nothing would have happened without his initiative and decisions. it had nothing to do with Edward's 'policies'#Edward's policies were fine. henry vii - who pollard vaunts to no end - literally *followed* them #and claiming that he failed to unite England under the Yorkist dynasty is just plain stupid #buddy if he truly failed at that then neither Richard III nor Henry VII would have thrones lol. both emphasized continuity with #him when aiming for the throne. like the whole point of 1483-85 was that it was a conflict WITHIN the 'Yorkist' dynasty #it was not an external threat against it.#'his legacy failed' his legacy didn't fail his brother destroyed it (while also presenting himself as his heir because logic what's logic?)#henry's victory was very much the triumph of his legacy (a claimant chosen by his supporters as the husband of his daughter)#like this is really not my interpretation it is literally what happened #i'm not trying to glorify e4 but his son did inherit the throne in a more advantageous circumstances than any other minor king of england #and frankly than most other adult kings. dumping blame on Edward's literal corpse rather than acknowledge Richard's agency is so tasteless #the problem isn't that edward made a mistake in trusting his brother. many other kings including Henry V also trusted theirs.#the problem is that his brother was willing to break that trust in a way that was unprecedented and broke all political norms of that age #ie: Richard's usurpation occurred because of Richard who re-ignited conflict to make himself king. please drill this into your head #also btw this illogical 'interpretation' is based entirely on Charles Ross' hatred and derision towards Elizabeth Woodville and her family #if you agree with this inteterpretation you agree with his vilification of them 🤷🏻‍♀️#anyway if you want a better interpretation that's actually analytical and looks a relevant rather than a flawed retrospective perspective #i would recommend rosemary horrox's 'richard iii: a study of service' and david horspool's 'richard iii: a ruler and his reputation'#anyway one last time: STOP downplaying Richard's agency and actions. historians who do this are stupid and embarrassing. bye.#(i should really post horspool's glorious takedown of ross and Pollard huh? it was very entertaining to read)

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months

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recent things

#With the heatwave combined with being ill for like an entire week it seems I've lost like 16 days this month #where I basically did barely anything... grrr.... The passage of time... My Enemy...#Now that I can finally hold down food and stuff I'm feeling a little better mostly and my sickness has probably passed. But I still #feel weird a little bit like.. some lingering weakness or something. I think I'm just already having so many Problems at all times even in #my 'Normal' state that whenever I get sick or something my whole system is thrown off for a while lol #I'm supposed to be writing like 2000 words a day still ghbjhb... I've had multiple days of maybe 1000 - 1500. And a lot of days #where I write maybe 20 - 300. I've still been chipping away at the same single quest dialogue for all 20 something #days this month so.. AUGH.. Though that also counts the 16 days I did nearly nothing but be sick and overheated #I finally edited that whole big sims video I wanted to post!!! but now there's an issue with it ... T o T #My fault for still almost exclusively using windows movie maker in 2024 lol.. but HHHHhh.. It's like every once in a while randomly #a fully edited video will not be able to be exported. so evil for this to happen to my first sims build tour in a while. but alas..#ANYWAY... I have been slowly working on little things here and there.. in my little scraps of time.. Wishing to be fully productive at #some point. Maybe I can finally finish and post some things soon. like costume photos or sims videos and etc.#BUT HEY.. that solitaire thing is crazy to me.. I don't think I've ever finished a challenge in under 20 seconds #before. huzzah.. tripeaks squad.. OH.. and an image of #curly tail boye.............. he..... I took him to the vet for a check up and he seems surprisingly okay for a 16 year old. except he has #a mild thyroid issue or something so I'll have to give him medicine. But every time he goes in I'm always expecting them to be like #Sorry. Your Son Is Truly Doomed. or etc. so I'm always shocked when he's fine... a strange boy with many strange behaviors #so I can never tell if he's just Being Weird or if he's sick or soemthing ghjbjh #Also the bad thing about never ending summer heat is that when it IS finally cool for a few days. I don't want to do ANYTHING. It's like wh #n it's hot I feel too sick to do anything. And then when it's cooler I'm like 'OUU the first cool day in WEEKS.. i want to just relax and #fully ENJOY the coolness..'' So it's always constant warfare with my body like.. NO ..we cannot SLEEP. We must utilize this small patch #of Non Heatwave to finally be productive and finish things while we don't feel sick. But then it's like ''ohoho...to lay in the cold air of #the morning restfully.. i shall have a little nap with a blanket on for once.. perhaps.. tee hee'' Always at war with the Tired Sleepy #it seems. AAAANyway...... grr............ slowly finishing things. still usually missing my target writing goals..#Hopefully will have some actual art or costumes or something to post soon. Fumbling through the summer weather as usual lol

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anervousmirrorball · 8 months

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i was so fixated on killing myself I never knew when I turned 20, 21, 22, 23

#i lost all those years of my life #and im supposed to act normal #like something good came out of it #like something good happened when i graduated college #i dont remember my life at all these years #and most of 17 18 19 #and im expected to be normal like other people and supposed yo have grown up like other people my age have #and do adult things as if i havent spent years alone and depressed and in isolation away from everyone else who were making memories and #experiencing life aand actually “growing up” and making friends #but okay #something surely is inherently wrong with me #i must be stupid and a coward #after all i had all the resources?#i couldve looked up a therapist #i couldve spent money without letting anyone know where i was spending it #i couldve lied about it #i couldve gotten better #i couldve chnaged #its all my fault #and i think i paid enough for it by hurting myself but apparently that was not enough cause no one knew #and maybe nothing i do will ever make up for my existence #nothing i create will ever be enough #no amount of money or achievements will ever be enough and make up for my existence #and im supposed to be okay with that #im supposed to be brave and not cry when im anxious #no one can know you're scared anyways #“get married” even if i have spent years at my house watching my parents fight and getting anxious the minute i hear incoherent sounds #from the other room #its okay #everyone fights

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