#by forgiving when i should not and by failing to put the boundaries that i should

[katyspersonal]

I really do not deserve sympathy if I keep trusting into people who obviously can only hurt and invalidate everything about me and everything we had as soon as I don't meet some of their selfish expectations. As soon as I start to feel safe and accepting living together, I fucking hear "we have no reason to be friends if you don't get into the videogames that I love" when I explained 500 times how I interact with videogames and fiction and why I cannot just waste my days playing many of them and why I cannot simply chug up new information and content often.

But really, why should anyone care about the fact that I get hurt again and that I am crying again, when I am the one who never fucking learns and keeps giving a chance to a person that I /know/ doesn't care and will harm me when I expect it the least? That every time it is another dumb, stupid, minor thing that magically makes me no longer important. That I cannot be honest and cannot be myself without being punished for it every time. That I just am not worthy of acceptance and understanding and unconditional love, it seems. That I am never good enough. Maybe people that hate me and want to exterminate me for the awful sin of having terrible mental health were right. Maybe I am weak for expecting anything from wrong kind of people. And the weakest must be gone.

[donnerpartyofone]

This has been a really hard one to talk about. I'm always very ambivalent about mourning celebrities. I try to remember that I don't know these people, that what is really mourned by most of us is the person's ongoing work, which in the best cases has helped us understand ourselves and the world in which we live. Unavoidably, though, you can start to develop the sense that you know these people personally, which isn't true or even appropriate necessarily, I mean you have no idea whether you would even like someone you've only seen on a screen or received an autograph from; but at the same time, I don't know if you can really force yourself not to feel like the deceased celebrity is a dear friend you will never get to talk to again (the last time I tried and failed was the passing of Lux Interior). Maybe this is more forgivable, and also more inevitable, if you feel like you grew up with the person.

Of course this is all about ME now, but my mother (who also died from cancer) was an extremely hip, brilliant, funny individual who for whatever reason refused to form a relationship with me. This was pretty strange, because we liked a lot of the same things--B movies, old comics, all types of camp and kitsch--but when I liked those things, it was in poor taste and punishable by exile, whereas when she liked those things, it was evidence of her cultural genius. Before I make anybody too mad I should say that I'm being a little bit unfairly reductive just so I can get to the point, which is that one of the few things we could share was Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I didn't know anything about the show's more adult origins or the fact that Paul Reubens was sort of a performance artist, but I didn't have to. Pee-Wee's Playhouse was a feast for any child's senses: stylish, hilarious, and on some subliminal level, really sophisticated. I was clued into some of what was going on just because I watched it with my mom, who always laughed at Pee-Wee's winks and nudges to the hep parents in the audience. The show might have been my first encounter with the kind of anthropological humor favored by people like David Byrne and Laurie Anderson, artists who engage subversively with cliches, stereotypes, and other memetic parts of popular culture. In Pee-Wee's Playhouse, with its sharp, edgy cast and crew, kids like me were getting into fine art without even knowing it--which is possibly the best way to learn about art anyway.

In fact, on the other side of our house, I became obsessed with Gary Panter's incredible punk opus Jimbo In Paradise, a Dantesque comic book about an innocent young guy living in a dystopian future, where he is occasionally joined by guest stars such as Nancy and Hedorah. I was about 7 when I started reading Jimbo over and over again even though I could barely understand it, and I had no idea that Gary had pretty much designed Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I'm speaking about him so familiarly because I got to know him a little bit as a grownup. I remember Gary talking about how private Paul Reubens could be. He used to do this thing where he would accept a dinner invitation from anybody who asked, as sort of a stunt, but he had to stop doing it because people became so intrusive and entitled with him. Gary said that they'd be walking around in New York and when they saw an obvious Pee-Wee fan gearing up for an offensive, Paul Reubens would sort of transform into this totally different person, putting out an aura that let you know not to fuck with him. It's crazy-making to think that someone who was so protective of the boundary between his private and public selves had to suffer that ridiculous arrest, but it's heartening that most of society eventually grew the fuck up and forgot about it. It's also helpful to remember when he turned up later on the MTV Music Video Awards and started off by asking the audience, "HEARD ANY GOOD JOKES LATELY??"

I'm glad we got one more Pee-Wee special in the past several years, but I always wished that we would see Paul Reubens in more movies. He was such a cool actor, funny, convincing, and naturally charismatic. While people are cycling through their favorite roles of his, I want to point out that he had a great role on a recent HBO miniseries called Mosaic, an intense, engrossing crime drama that I definitely recommend if you have access. Maybe I'll rewatch it, too. In closing, here's a great story that I grabbed from Facebook that should warm everybody's heart, along with the heartbreaking statement (inappropriately cropped by Instagram of course) released upon the death of the very private Pee-Wee Herman. It makes you wish you could thank him in person, for everything. The best we can do is just remember him.

[actual-changeling]

me? writing some angsty crowley fic with too many physics metaphors? more likely than i thought. y'all have me out here tapping back into my crowley emotions with those meta asks.

—

to every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

the laws of the universe are laws until they aren't, until you look closer and realise that nothing behaves like you thought it did, until there are no more laws, only assumptions. lies we tell ourselves to make sense of something so much bigger than anything we could ever hope to comprehend.

for crowley, physics is poetry is letters and words he can shape to his liking—he put the stars in the sky and started time. defying the boundaries laid upon him is his true nature, and after he did not burn on a flaming motorway and stopped satan himself in his tracks, he thought himself to be past questions, past hesitation.

then he cut himself open and watched the blood flow like an unstoppable force, staining aziraphale's pristine clothes, collecting and pooling around a sudden, immovable object. crowley waited until he was empty, until the red river accepted its defeat and seeped into the earth.

it should have told him all he needed to know, but physics is built upon hope, and so he acted, moving as he attempted to rewrite axioms he did not make but shaped.

to every reaction, there will be an equal and opposite reaction. the harder you push, the harder the universe will push back, and it did. physics is words is aziraphale's face growing cruel is i forgive you.

an equal and opposite reaction offered by an immovable object.

nothing lasts forever, try to create a perpetual motion machine, and you will fail. heat will always flow to where it isn't, hot to cold, hell to heaven, love dripping from crowley but barely melting the ice in aziraphale's irises. it will keep dripping until they are equal, until love is given and not just received.

hot to cold, never cold to hot, and you will lose warmth to empty space, watching it dissipate in the distance between two bodies as the universe leeches energy from everything it creates. after six thousand years, the world is full, and crowley is nothing more than blurry outlines and brittle matter, the last of him given by shaking hands to lips that will betray him over and over again.

the only way to stop the reaction is to stop. stop moving, stop pushing, stop looking. isolate your heart and trap what little love you have left, trap it and keep it for yourself.

crowley thought he created the stars, but they created him, and he is floating in their grasp with commandments offered to him in silver and ash.

thou shalt not—

love and be loved in return. think yourself as being above what keeps the universe expanding and the earth spinning. attempt to escape the hold of gravity.

he gave everything and watched motionlessly as aziraphale swallowed it all. name it love, name it greed, name it six thousand years of useless waiting, name it what you want, and then let it go.

to every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

only when you release your words and still yourself will you know peace, unmoving but whole, alone but warm. crowley wanted a hand to hold and pressed his palm against the unknown, expecting the sun to appear and hold him back.

to every question, there is an answer you will regret demanding, and maybe that is his final poem, the hope underneath it all, a law shaped in his image:

never stop asking, never stop looking back, and never stop running.

[shortpplfedup]

Only Friends Character Rankings Episode 8

Well this was a whole-ass SITUATION. I'm still processing, but another outstanding ep. The twin scents of audacity and desperation hung over this episode. Sand tries and fails to have any kind of backbone with Ray. Boston sits in purgatory and decides nope, hell it is. Cheum learns more valuable lessons about perhaps minding her own business. Nick might be moving on to Zaddy!Papang. Mew spirals. Yo and Plug break up. And Top...maybe set Ray up to get arrested so he could look like a hero? Everybody had the goddamn audacity this episode. Y'all went up for Mew's crazy eyes last week, let's see where the gworls are landing for me this week.

⭐1. Atom

People with self-confidence like you are very charming to me.

OH SIR! Talk about coming in hot! Atom's in an experimental mood and looking for somebody to blow his back out, so of course he thinks of Boston, and he's putting out whatever sauce he can muster to entice him. I gotta say, this is a wrinkle I ABSOLUTELY did not see coming but the mess is MESSING and I'm fully on board. Cheum is gonna LOSE IT.

🔺2. Boston (3)

Alright. I’m a social leper.

Well he didn't do a lot this week but boy did he make it count: his bitchface at Nick, who it seems he might have really started to care about; poking at Top's soft spots; telling Cheum maybe she should mind her own business; and just talkin' gay shit with Atom who is VERY into gay shit right now it would seem...every second Boston was onscreen was a second of perfection. ESPECIALLY the second when he decides to make yet another terrible decision and take Atom home and maybe give him what he's been sniffing around asking for. I mean, has learned not ONE goddamn thing and I LOVE that about him.

🔻3. Mew (2)

You take no space in my mind at all.

I haven't seen a classic post-breakup slut spiral this well executed in FOREVER. When Mew did the line of coke I gasped, and when he shoved his tongue down Ray's throat right in Top's face I SCREAMED. Oh honey, you're SUCH a cliché and I love you for it. Mew does not feel an ounce of anything resembling love or attraction for Ray, and he knows it, and he also knows the thought of him and Ray will keep Top up at night, so cigs, booze, yeyo and tonsil hockey it is.

⭐4. Daddy Dan

If you have a friend who likes old people, introduce us.

Papang has arrived, and he's playing the kind of guy who asks college students he's hiring to hook him up with their friends so...that's all present and correct. They love to cast Papang as charming but also slightly seedy and creepy and I'm very into it. Also, in my country there is a strip club/brothel called Dad's Dan so I cackled for a solid 5 minutes at the previews.

⭐5. Freddie Mercury The Second

I want no business with someone else’s boyfriend.

The only person this episode to exhibit even an ounce of self-respect. I salute you sir.

🔻6. Nick (4)

What should I do to earn your forgiveness?

Nick's licking his wounds and trying to get back in the game with Boston, but Nick having never met a boundary he couldn't trample has pretty much sealed that deal for now. As Sand pointed out to him: what was he even doing at that party, other than making a fool of himself?

🔻7. Top (6)

Are you really picking Ray?

Ok so Top's the one who called the cops right? Because they knew exactly who and what they were looking for, and his #1 priority was getting Mew out of Ray's orbit and back into his. Top's beggin' tour wasn't working on anybody except Cheum (who...girl. GIRL!), but he still managed to end the night in bed with Mew, so I guess he'll count that as a win?

🔹8. Cheum (8)

They're all selfish. They don't care about me.

GIRL. Your girlfriend keeps telling you to LEAVE THESE BOYS ALONE AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. Now you crying on the couch and don't nobody care except your girlfriend, WHO TOLD YOU. All them boys one by one just telling her to get out of their faces...GIRL YOU ARE A LESBIAN YOU ARE ABOVE BOYS MAKING YOU CRY.

🔻9. April (7)

I know you’re worried about Mew. But he’s a grown man. He can take care of his life.

Girl aren't you tired? That woman don't never listen to you and now instead of having a good time you're feeling her snot seep into your chest through your (slay) outfit and thinking about how you're not getting any sex tonight either. SHE DOESN'T EVEN APPRECIATE YOUR ART.

🔻10. Plug/Yo (5)

There were many people I gave all my heart to. I gave them everything I got. There were many people I gave my room key to. They all returned it to me in the end. I don't want you to raise my expectations. And then you leave me too.

Oof, poor baby Plug. He just wants to live that househusband life but Yo been THRU it and ain't interested in going thru it again. I was surprisingly affected by Mom breaking up with Cool Stepdad, given how little screentime they've had, but Jennie's just that good.

🔻11. Sand (5)

Friends? You and I have never been friends from the get-go.

What more can I say about this loser? He's so embarrassing I can hardly look at him. Ray does not give a good goddamn about him, he uses him as a plaything, a servant or a punching bag as it suits him, and instead of throwing rocks at his ass and telling him to GTFO, he FIGHTS THE DAMN COPS who are trying to take him away. It's almost fascinating, watching this bullshit: every time I think this is surely Sand's rock bottom, he goes lower. We've got 4 episodes left but I'm calling it now: Sand is the most pathetic character on this show.

🔻12. Ray (1)

Let's hire a DJ instead this time. I don't want a band anymore.

OH MY GOD FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE. Does Thailand do 5150s? Because Ray needs to be committed as a danger to himself and others. He got everything he wanted and IT'S NOT ENOUGH, just as we all (I hope) knew it wouldn't be. And then on top of that Mew refuses his kiss in private but lays one on him in Top's face and it's like he just lost it. That ugly scene, breaking up Sand's encounter with Freddie II (shades of him doing the same with Sand's date earlier in the season), claiming ownership of him (told y'all) forcing a kiss on him because Sand's his property right? Ray was downright nasty this week, and not in an enjoyable way.

[felice-jaganshi]

His Pet

Chapter 14

Alastor x OC

Content warning: mention of potential SA and minor acephobia.

He sat on her bed, rocking her back and forth until she had calmed down. He was extremely troubled by today's events.

“Darling… I'm certain you're very tired from all of today's activities, but I need you to answer something for me before I let you rest.”

She nodded, staying silent as she clung to him.

“Darling, I'll never judge or blame you for things that happened against your will, but I must know… what did Valentino do to you?” He needed to know how badly he had failed her. How bad the damage done was.

 

She shook her head, “He only hurt me. He didn't… he tried but I fought back and I tried to rip his throat out, but he moved, so I missed and got his wing. He thought if I bled enough I'd be easier to handle. But… my blood is gold so… he freaked out. I was able to run, and hide. Took a chunk of wing with me.”

 

“Do you remember scratching me?” He held out his hand to her. She looked confused and took it.

“I did this? I… hurt you?” She kissed the marks gently. “I don't remember that, I'm sorry.” He smiled and pet her head.

“I forgive you. It was my own fault for approaching you in such a state. You bit my shoulder too, should I be glad you didn't rip my throat out?” He was teasing her now.

 

“No, I was more in control then. That one was on purpose. Just an affection bite. Something I used to do with my old partner. You're a lot like them. Please don't abandon me like they did… I know I'm useless and weird and broken, but please… I can't handle being on my own.” She started sobbing, the action taking over her whole body, her ears laying flat to her skull.

 

“Useless and broken… is that how your partner made you feel? And you dare compare me to them?” He sounded irritated. “You have been nothing but useful to me. Maybe a bit of a hassle at times, but certainly not boring at least! And broken? What about you could possibly be considered broken?” He asked, and began petting her head and hair in long slow strokes.

 

“I'm… because I couldn't… something that happened when I was… because I can't- because I'm Ace!” She was struggling to say the words. This was something that had bothered her her whole life. And even in death, her past trauma was still fucking with her! He frowned, remembering what she had said that term meant, and given the context she was struggling to give, he was able to paint a few potential pictures of what she was trying to say.

 

“My dearest… that does not make you any more broken than it does me. I don't have any interest in those activities either. So you are not broken in the slightest. And anyone who has made you feel as such is a filthy pervert undeserving of your attentions or affections. Is that also how your ex partner made you feel?”

“N-no… they were also ace… but they were always frustrated with my inability to care for myself in other ways. I always had to be told what to do and how to do it. Always living life in a daze half in my head… I just wanted to write my stories… but I acted too much like a child for an adult woman… so… they wanted their independence back.” 

 

She looked up at him.

“Well, I can certainly understand a desire for independence.” She stiffened in his arms. “Shh, shh.. but I would never abandon a soul in my care. You are mine, and I will never leave you. I…” He took a breath, was he a man or was he not? Why were these words so hard for him?! “I. Love you too. I mean it.” There! It was true enough, it might not be in the same way she felt for him, but how else could he describe this bond if not ‘love’? “Just don't expect me to say it often.”

“Al… can I kiss you?” He froze, he felt hot and cold at the same time.

“I… don't think that's a good idea.”

“Just on the forehead?” She asked next, trying to find his boundaries, it seemed.

“I… suppose that would be acceptable.” He didn't sound terribly certain though.

She put her hands on his shoulders and sat up in his lap, she gently kissed his forehead, lingering for a few seconds before pulling away and sitting in his lap with a smile. Well, that wasn't so bad… It was actually somewhat pleasant. 

“Thank you. For everything. You are my special person. I hope one day I can be considered your partner.” He thought for a moment before kissing her on the forehead back. That.. also didn't feel terrible.  

“That actually doesn't sound so bad… you could read your stories on my broadcasts, and we'll call you the Radio Angel. That would certainly scare enough sinners into leaving you alone at least. But for the next while, until you're strong enough to be an overlord yourself, I don't want you heading out without my personal escort. If I can't even count on Nifty to protect you, how can I count on anyone else?” He pulled her tight to his chest. “I will not lose my most important treasure. Not now that I've finally found it.” She purred in his arms, closing her eyes and falling asleep, feeling safe and loved.

Angel knocked on the door, “Hey, they said only I was allowed in. Mind if I do?” 

“You may join us. She just fell asleep.” Alastor called out. Angel entered the room.

“Damn… so she really is an angel. No wonder she's sweet as sugar.” He frowned and looked at her in Al's lap. “What did Big V do to her?” He seemed scared of the answer, and Alastor respected him for his concern. 

“Just a few cuts and bruises. At least that's what she told me. I'm hoping you can confirm. Being a brother figure to her, she might feel more comfortable telling you if he touched her in other ways. I want to believe her, but better safe than sorry.” 

Angel nodded, “Yeah, once she's up, I can have a talk with her. I'll help run her a nice bubble bath too. That usually helps me feel better after… Well, we don't have to talk about lil’ ol’ me. Mind if I take a seat and wait for her to wake up?”

Alastor nodded, “Her chair is at the desk. I'll keep holding her, she's likely to protest if I try to leave her like this.”

“Heh, look at that. The radio demon does have a heart. Good.” He got comfortable in the chair, pulling it close to the bed. “I won't tell anyone, promise.”

[ourflagmeansheartbreak]

For new years, just a quick reminder that:

1. Even if you don’t love yourself, you are still worthy of being loved, of being loved by someone else. Your sense of worth doesn’t dictate how other people should feel about you and just because you don’t love yourself, does NOT mean you are undeserving of love or incapable of loving someone just as much, platonically or otherwise.

2. Having boundaries does NOT make you an asshole, it makes you a human being.

3. Being seen can make a significant impact on your life, and there is absolutely no shame if that someone happens to be a doctor, a therapist, a psychiatrist, etc. There is no shame in feeling that something’s wrong and there is no shame in seeking out help. There is NO shame in asking to be seen.

4. Addictions and poor mental health does not make you a terrible person. You are loved healthy just the same as you are loved in the process of getting there.

5. Worst thing you could do to yourself is not let go. You can’t change the past, you can’t change that person. And it’s okay to let go, it’s okay to accept it. I know it’s hard because holding onto that feeling and desperation helps you feel in control of your own pain, but I promise you, you are allowed to let it go, your trauma will be just as valid even if it no longer holds your every move captive.

6. It’s okay to let yourself just be. You shouldn’t put high expectations on yourself, because you’re not good enough for them, but because you are simply incapable of those things at the moment. At the moment you only need to breathe and that’s okay. And you should allow yourself to just be and to just breathe in that moment, until you grow to do those big things once you grow strong enough.

7. You are the most important person in your life. No, you are not egotistical for loving yourself, you are not selfish for taking care of yourself. You live with yourself every single hour of every single day, you should be your number 1 priority and NO that does not make you selfish. That makes you self aware, and simply, human.

8. You are allowed to forgive yourself for things you’ve done. You are allowed to seek out people, you are allowed to apologise, and whatever their answer might be, you are allowed to move on.

9. You are allowed to not forgive people just the way they are allowed to not forgive you. And that’s okay. That, however, does not make you a terrible person. And that doesn’t mean you have to let that hatred consume you. You are allowed to not forgive people and then move on. That’s your privilege. You are allowed to let terrible things go even if you don’t forgive them.

10. You should eat without shame. “But I’m fat” doesn’t matter, you should eat. “But I already ate today” you should eat. “But I overate today” and if you’re still hungry, you should eat. “But I haven’t exercised” you should eat. “But I hate myself” you should eat. Food is not a punishment, love yourself enough to nourish your body and let yourself enjoy it. Because you deserve to eat. No ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’. You deserve it.

11. You should be kinder to yourself. Wether you think you’re a terrible person or not, you should be kinder to yourself. If you don’t have enough energy to love yourself just yet, try to be a little kinder to yourself and your body. First step to being a better person is realising that you are not an unlovable monster, you are human who made mistakes, and when you love yourself enough you can help yourself make amends that you want. First step is love for yourself, once you get up and no longer beat yourself, then you see all the opportunities you have to be a better person. Because you absolutely can be better, even if you fail (because you will and that’s okay) you can try again. No shame in starting over, no shame in faltering. That, again, does not make you a terrible person; that makes you human.

12. You deserve kind, beautiful things. You deserve to be handled with love, cared for. I know you don’t believe that, so let me say it one more time, because I mean it with my entire soul: you deserve love, kindness and beauty. You wouldn’t be able to see beauty in things that you do if you didn’t carry it in your heart. You see beauty in terrible things, and what does that say about you? That you carry it in your soul, because if you didn’t, you would be incapable of seeing it. Atoms recognise familiar atoms, your soul is more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.

I don’t know you, and I probably never will. And I don’t care. But let me tell you that a random stranger cares about you. That if you genuinely need someone to talk to, I WILL listen. My DM’s are always open and you can reach out if you need someone to just listen. Why? Because you’re worth it. You survived another whole ass year, you managed to get yourself out of darkness that would’ve consumed most. You are a damn good soldier, don’t let your battle scars drag you down, allow the sun shine on your path. And if you can’t see the sun yet, follow the moon. Be kind, fail, be loud, be humble, be cringe, LET YOURSELF BE.

With love,

Will x

[sabrgirl]

Salaam, can you give some advices to someone who plans to put hijab on, to be honest I'm scared that I might fail..

wa alaikum salaam <3 of course! Masha’Allah for your intentions, may Allah reward you for it and make it easy for you to go through with your plans, Ameen

the fear of failing is normal but there are a few things you can do to prevent that from happening:

you need to have a reason to wear it why do you want to? having a goal without a reason as to why you truly want to achieve it makes it easier to fall back. your reasons give you more strength, determination and a desire to achieve your goal. for me, i have two main reasons when people ask me 'why do you wear/want to wear the hijab?'. the first one is because Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ has asked me to. i know a lot of the time many muslim women wait for 'the right time' to wear it but the reality is that you could die in one hour. you could die tomorrow. maybe in 5 years. maybe in 2. i watched this video once where this lady was describing how for a man's janazah, he is wrapped in 3 cloths but a woman is wrapped in 5 because Allah wants her to be covered and modest even in death, where her body shape and hair still isn't even showing. subhanallah. you do not want your first day of hijab to be when you are dead and on the day of judgement. that genuinely gives me shivers. the truth is, there is no 'right time'. Allah didn't ask us to wear it when we're married, when we're older, when we finish working, finish studying, finish whatever plans we have. He asked us as women to wear it, period. and even if we do wait for that 'right time,' the fact that we still do not know how much time we have left is still prevalent as if you die a few years later, what if most of your life was hijabless? only Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ can decide whether your hijabi years were enough to be forgiven or completely rewarded for it, may He forgive us all for our sins, Ameen. the second reason, (fears aside, lol) is because my hijab is my form of empowerment. it is me saying to the world that i am choosing who to show my beauty to. it is me saying that i am valuable, i am precious and only if you can do xyz for me and sign this contract to declare that you will, only then can you see my beauty. it is me saying that i have the power to control who has access to me, the true me, and it puts my boundaries in place that i am not ordinary, but i am special, so not everyone can see my true beauty. and it makes me really proud to have that empowerment and to be given that honour by Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ so what is your reason? it could be the same reasons (like wearing it because Allah said so) and your own too. but these reasons will be at the forefront of your mind when you wear the hijab and it will help you to continue wearing it. you will say to yourself 'i am wearing it for/because _______' and that will be your drive. this reason will be more effective than just wearing it because you have to, because yes although you do have to, that is not enough to make you feel happy, successful, or like you really want to wear it. and in my opinion, you should really want to do something that Allah says to do. it's the same with many things, for eg - when you want to pray salah, you get better rewards, they are more effective, they are better salah in general. this reason will also help against temptations of today's world of why you should not wear it.

start slow hijab is not just covering of the hair but is also modest clothing too and jumping straight into abayas, jilbabs etc if you do not wear them already may feel very overwhelming and can lead to falling back on wearing it. start wearing your hijab and take it day by day, give yourself a time frame. eventually, this will become a habit and i am sure that once you get used to wearing it, taking it off will feel strange. while doing this, start dressing more modestly, maybe with the loose clothing that you have already to continue getting used to it. your own loose clothes will help you feel comfortable and will not feel like such a drastic change, like immediately wearing a jilbab might feel. the more comfortable you feel, the better your success in wearing hijab consistently will be. over time, you will begin to start wanting more hijabi-friendly outfits, like long skirts maybe etc and as you start to feel more comfortable, you will want to become more modest with your hijab and change your wardrobe and start shopping for more hijab colours etc. you will begin to feel happy, comfortable and truly strive for the sake of Allah. and Allah will reward you for your efforts.

do not lose hope it can be very hard in this day and age with social media and the people around us to wear the hijab but you need to believe in yourself. Allah believes in you that is why you are a muslim woman. your intention to wear it has not come from anywhere, He is guiding you towards Him. pray to Him that He makes it easy for you, that He enables you to wear it and guides you closer to Himself and helps you succeed. start wearing it and on the days where you struggle, remind yourself that this life is temporary and a greater reward is waiting for you, for us all Insha’Allah and the pain and struggle of this world will all be forgotten about. He knows your heart and sees the struggle and will reward you for your patience and for striving for His sake. May Allah make it easy for you, Ameen.

[zoufantastical]

I never liked Chloe. Even when she had the Bee Miraculous. Even when she was on a road of “redemption”, you could always tell it wasn’t fully there because this girl is very rotten. And I’m gonna say. I’m gonna say what no one else dares to say.

I’ve known Chloes before. When I went to school in my home country and in the US. Chloe is a perfect example of a bully who’s racist.

Yeah I fucking said it. Sure she bullies other people but her specifically targeting and tormenting Marinette? The constant need to demean her as a “baker girl” (knowing the implications of cleaning and cooking jobs deemed as “lesser than”) and constantly spitting in disgust when pronouncing Cheng? The episode Derision confirmed what I always knew but needed a push to admit it.

Everything about Chloe’s speech at the end screamed privileged rich white girl with borderline white supremacy beliefs. No this isn’t me spitting buzzwords. Chloe is a legit degenerate and should be called out as such. Her character wasn’t “ruined”. There are people like her in real life and even worst.

All I wish in the show is to not push niceness and forgiveness so much. Adrien at the end holding down his boundaries and breaking things off with Chloe is fine but I need legitimate consequences. I need Marinette to threaten her with violence. I said this on an unrelated post but violence IS necessary. It is a tool that can be used for your own good. Notice how the times Chloe get puts on her place was when Socqueline and Kagami threaten to kick her ass if she doesn’t leave them alone? Violence when used to protect yourself is necessary to keep people like Chloe in check when things like words and common sense fails.

I sincerely believe that until Marinette threatens or defends herself against Chloe using violence, she will never know peace. None of those tormented by her will. Violence is a useful tool for hammering consequences when communicating boundaries and demanding respect doesn’t work. A lot of our rights we have in the world is because of violent unconventional means. Children should not be shielded from this knowledge.

[hyuge]

Touch-adverse HC

What if Bakugou isn't actually touch adverse? We always assume he is, because of his overreactions, but what if he's actually touch-hesitant? Touch afraid? Imagine a young Katsuki, still learning his Quirk, and everyone telling him how cool and strong he is. He's messing around having fun like kids do. He put the older kids that were bullying them in their place. Maybe he helped start a fire or light sparklers in the summer time - useful, praiseworthy thing. That is, until one time he accidently burns Izuku bad enough that he gets sent to the hospital.

The doctors say he'll recover and that there shouldn't be any permanent scarring. Everyone is relieved that Izuku will be all right, but then the doctors warn this little kid that his Quirk is dangerous and he shouldn't carelessly touch people. Mitsuki and Masaru tell him not to think about it too hard. Mistakes happen, after all. Inko and Izuku forgive him - it's hard not to when proud little Katsuki is in tears. But Katsuki himself dwells on it. The memory of Izuku's face when Katsuki touched him a permanent reminder that his hands were dangerous.

Even if he wasn't sweating, his palms could still heat up. They could still burn if he wasn't careful. So he distances himself. He rebukes any and all contact bestowed upon him until everyone around him just assumes he doesn't like being touched. And quite frankly, it's easier for him that way. That is, until the loneliness sets in. He never realized how much he would miss a hug, a high five, an arm around his shoulder. But he doesn't seek it out. It was safest for everyone this way.

So when Kirishima Eijirou, the ray of sunshine that he was, comes crashing into his life, Katsuki panics. The idiot was constantly crossing the thick boundary Katsuki had set. It was only a matter of time before he accidently burned Kirishima, and yet the redhead wouldn't take a hint. He would throw his arm around Katsuki's shoulder. He would pull Katsuki into his side. He would disregard reasoning for self-preservation. Katsuki tried to warn him. He would attack Kirishima on purpose to show how dangerous he was, but Kirishima would laugh it off and harden his skin reflexively every time. He never failed. So Katsuki let his guard down. It started with Kirishima, and then moved to the others - Kaminari, Ashido, Sero. They all showered him in the contact he so desperately missed but would never tell anyone he needed.

And then it happened. When Katsuki accidently burned Mina, it felt like his heart had shattered into a million pieces. He didn't mean to hurt her. She was clutching her bicep, the smell of burnt skin filled the room. The others rushed her to Recovery Girl and Katsuki was left alone to think about what he had done. All those years of fear were only reaffirmed and his eyes stung as he tried to fight back the wave of tears threatening to burst forth. He didn't deserve to cry. It was his fault. He knew it would happen and yet he let himself believe he was finally in control. He was a fucking idiot.

A sob escaped him and Kirishima came walking into the dorm to find him broken on the floor in the common room. He rushed to Katsuki's side, whispering that it'll be all right.

"Get off me!" Katsuki shouted, his voice broke.

"No one blames you. It was an accident."

"They fucking should! I knew this would happen." It happened before. Katsuki clambered to his feet, pushing Kirishima off of him, but those strong arms wrapped around Katsuki, pulling him into a tight embrace. "Let me go!"

Kirishima shook his head. He held Katsuki close, forcing him to listen to Kirishima's steady heartbeat. "I don't know what's going through your head right now, but it wasn't your fault. We all have times we can't control our Quirks."

"My Quirk hurts people." Katsuki muttered.

"And mine doesn't? You know that's why I wear those sleeves right? If I were to carry someone without that protective layer on, they could get cut. Ashido's Quirk is acid. She probably understands you better than anyone." Kirishima lifted Katsuki's chin, forcing him to meet his eyes. "You can't hurt me." The look in his eyes was confident, and the tone in Kirishima's voice was unwavering. He truly believed there was no way Katsuki could hurt him.

"You won't always harden in time." Katsuki choked out.

"I will. If it means you never look like this again." Kirishima squeezed him tighter, pressing his face into Katsuki's hair, and kissing the top of his head lightly. "Let's go check on Ashido."

"Okay." Katsuki breathed in reply, feeling a weight lifted.

[notsosilentsister]

Good Luck to You, Leo Grande

The actors are exceedlingly charming, the script has a lot of wit, there are some lovely touches. I loved the scene where the heroine apologizes to the former student she slut-shamed and I love how she finally accomplishes the goal she didn't even dare to put on her to-do-list, on her own. It's supposed to be a film about pleasure, about liberation, about empowerment, about aging, about self-discovery, and as such, it works really well.

But for me, this is also a film about having a job that requires building relationships, and about the importance of good boundaries in professional relationships. And here, I think, is where it kinda drops the ball.

More precisily, I think, the movie has a lot to say about teaching. We see that Leo is a god teacher, exceptional really, and our heroine maybe hasn't been. The main quality you need to bring to the job, for me, is respect, a lack of judgment - someone willing to learn something new always makes themselves vulnerable; is going to make mistakes, is going to be frustrated, disappointed, easily discouraged. Needs to be reassured, needs to be able to trust, needs to be met with grace. Leo's got that.

The heroine, as far as we get to see, not so much. She can talk about people with such casual contempt. Maybe that's just her style, her brand of wit - it is, after all, most often directed towards herself. Maybe it's supposed to be part of the liberation, refreshing honesty. She needs to call her son boring and her daughter a fuck-up to free herself of the shackles of motherhood. Fine. But part of it is that this character is your typical middle class snob. So when the waitress in the café where she meets up with Leo for the last time reveals herself as a former student, she says "Well I can't have taught you much, if this is where you ended up". And she's not even trying to insult her. She's the type who'd be shocked if you took offense. "Oh no, no, don't you see, it's a diss on myself!".

I do actually like that part - the heroine is revealed, gradually - a beautiful woman, a sensuous woman, a powerful woman. But a mediocre mother, a mediocre teacher. That can also be a good story for a heroine. It's not always about how well you serve others. And the heroine does learn. She learns to appreciate the value of sex work. She does apologize to the waitress. Maybe her contempt for others sprung from her contempt for herself, and she can only free herself of the former as she frees herself of the latter, or vice versa. That's a point worth making.

But it could be made a bit better, I think, if the heroine had to take some more accountability. Because she's horribly out of line, not just with the waitress, also with Leo, and he forgives her too readily. My friend, who I saw the movie with, thinks he should have never agreed to that last appointment. She gasped in horror, when the heroine confessed to the stalking and was fully on board with Leo's outrage. She was also very upset, when Leo eventually opened up about his mother. "Why does he tell her? He shouldn't need to tell her! She has no right to ask!"

I get why the characters does it. She's told him a lot of personal stuff, she's had a life-changing experience with him - and now she wants to feel like she can make some difference for him too, she longs for resonance, reciprocity. But we already this wonderful scene where he describes, downright lyrically, what he gets out of this job, this feeling of having a meaningful impact on others, resonance, reciprocity. There's a quiet tragedy in how she can't be satisfied with that. (And she wouldn't be the first to fail this way, it's an old story for a reason, it should be a modern version of Lohengrin - if magic enters your life, acept it with grace; don't kill the vibe by asking for a name).

But sadly, this version doesn't go for the Lohengrin-ending. To the last moment, the heroine is not quite made to understand how upsetting it must be when a client starts to cross explicit boundaries. Point is, not wanting a client to know your real name is a very basic, reasonable boundary, even if there's no traumatic backstory of maternal abandonment. It's not about shame over your profession, it's about good professional boundaries and a completely legit need for privacy. I guess I have a bit more compassion for the client's delusions than my friend, but I hate how the narrative seems to vindicate her, by revealing that Leo has indeed a traumatic history, that part of his emotional outburst was triggered by this trauma, that her making him face that actually helps him overcome his shame and reconnect with his brother. I wanted to see a final scene where he comes home to his loving mother who cooks him spaghetti or something, and we can conclude that is was all just a story to get this over-involved client off his back. In my mind, that's the ending anyway; Moma's home-cooked spaghetti are waiting as the credits roll.

[fairycosmos]

i feel like such a bad person for not wanting to talk with my father even though he's probably the one responsible for my mental problems, am i a bad person? should we put ourselves first always? am i only thinking about myself? is that bad? i don't want him to be sad but i don't feel ready to talk to him

hey, i'm really sorry you're going through this. i do think it's worth it to ask yourself if this guilt is rooted in anything you've actually done wrong, rather than a learned response that is likely partially caused by growing up with a dad like that. we really, really don't owe our abusive parents anything at all, not even forgiveness, which is not synonymous with healing despite the popular opinion that it is. it doesn't make you a bad person to be hurt because someone who was supposed to protect you repeatedly failed you during the most impressionable part of your life. the consequences of that are you getting to choose how much time you give your dad in adulthood, if you even give him any at all. if you choose to disconnect from him, that is because of his own actions, his own flaws as a parent. it is the result of his character, not of yours. that boundary is yours to set, entirely, and there is no wrong answer. i genuinely do think your recovery should take priority over his feelings. the fact that you care so much about not making him feel bad even after everything that happened is pretty much proof you have more capacity for empathy and compassion than he had when you were little. you're not a bad person, and i can repeat that as many times as i need to for you to consider it for real. you're just trying to navigate life after childhood trauma, and it's confusing and hard and complex in all the worst ways. but the bottom line is that it's your choice where you go from here, and no one should be able to shame you for it. if you want to cut him off, if you want to limit contact, if you want to talk to him about the past - all of those options are totally valid and understandable. whatever you need, it's okay. i also think reaching out to a professional about this might be of great help to you, if you're able to. a counsellor, a therapist, a support group in your area - verbalizing what you've been through and listening to an outside perspective on it might be really cathartic. esp in regard to how you view your dad. i know it's a really scary step, but i just hope you know that there is support out there once you feel ready to seek it. sending you a lot of love. please go easy on yourself. it's a good thing to put yourself first. x

[will80sbyers]

In fiction there can be one dimension but in the real world there are no good people there are only people that are actively trying to be good and people that aren't trying, don't want to try and don't care about what their actions do to others.

You can shift from one position to another at any point in your life and mental health and circumstances around you makes it more difficult to change position but not impossible.

That said, this doesn't justify you hurting others and if you do you deserve to live with the consequences of your actions, you are not owed forgiveness from anybody, even less from the people you did hurt.

People have the right to defend themselves from you if they know you actively do or did something to hurt others and don't want to associate with you that's a valid choice they are making for their life, they are safeguarding their own mental health and well-being and every human being has that right.

Maybe this doesn't help your "healing journey" in your opinion and it makes you mad that you aren't immediately accepted into the group, but that's also how society survives- other people are not inherently responsible for your healing unless they are being paid to be, only your parents were responsible and they failed.

You will always find people that are kind and have that much heart to forgive you if you are actively trying to do better. They exist and many times they have done some shit themselves in the past so they are more prone to give opportunities to others, there are also people that give opportunities by looking at how you act day by day without completely trusting you, keeping up healthy boundaries for themselves.

There are also people that have trauma themselves that makes them too accepting and too trusting and see things too positively because they are not educated in mental health and believe that humans are fundamentally good and "even if they hurt me I can take it because who am I if I don't help them when they have suffered in the past this much, I have not so I should give all that I can give to help them or it means I'm bad"

( I was one of these people lost in that narcissistic and delusional "good Samaritan" mentality for 25 years of my life, giving so many second chances to others that I lost myself, burned out all that I had and after being forced to put up a wall to literally not die myself, is in the process of trying to reconstruct outside of that identity, with healthy boundaries, went to therapy for it and all... and it takes YEARS to dismantle that toxic thought process and it's a lonely as fuck journey! Still, I'm not going back, I will be giving respect, not forgiveness. I am trying to reach and keep being in the middle ground.)

Other people don't have to associate with you but they are responsible for how they treat you, like for any other human being, in the sense that they should not harass you with verbal or physical abuse.

Mental health should be looked after by people that are not connected to what you did, that are well rewarded for doing that job and that are protected by someone looking out for them so that you don't hurt them if you fall back on your pattern like many people with mental health problems do often.

Humans have also the right to feel anger towards people that hurt them or have hurt others that they love and they should be able to express that anger in healthy ways, one of the healthiest ways is through fiction... where if you're rooting for the villain that is fixed on his path of wanting to hurt others and likes the feeling that hurting others gives him, to die suffering, then you should be allowed to do it without that automatically meaning that you are wanting to hurt people in the real world.

How you act in real life is what's important.

But also in real life you don't have to necessarily have empathy for people that do bad shit like abusing, raping or killing someone, you don't owe them anything except the bare minimum of respect that it means you don't abuse them back. They can give you empathy and understanding and many will, not everyone will and they are allowed not to have empathy for you and if you're really in a healing path you will understand that.

At the same time if people are punching you first I will always encourage you to punch back, you will not find me on the "give the other cheek to be slapped" side of that spectrum, you will not find jesus in my blog.

I don't cry when abusers die, I am happy that there is one less abuser in the world. Does that make me "not good" ? Free to think that, I don't think it does.

I think that if you can't stop them from punching you punch back until they stop.

You should have the right to defend yourself when you don't have any other means to stop them and if you do something like killing them because you were defending yourself I will definitely forgive you more easily, you still need therapy and to be watched over for a while so that you can go back into society after all that trauma you just experienced, but I will not be as distrustful of you as I am of someone that hurts random innocent people to satisfy a personal urge inside of them even if I can recognize it's their poor mental health making them do that.

Experiencing trauma in the past can explain why you become a perpetrator in the future even to people that have done nothing to you, but it doesn't justify the abuse you are doing and keep doing day by day, and it doesn't grant you forgiveness by others that need to defend themselves from your violent impulses.

[aparticularbandit]

🥺🛒 ❌ 🏆 🎯 🤗🧠✅

Listen... You already know I'm a huge fan of your work by the way I'll ramble on about everything with you. However I'm realizing eight might be excessive, so feel free to pick and choose <3

Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask game!

🥺 - Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

LETTING THEM PLAY WITH KIDDOS. OR HAVING KIDDO VERSIONS OF THEM BEING KIDDOS. THEY ARE SO CUTE IT'S CUTENESS OVERLOAD I LOVE IT.

🛒 - What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

The curse of immortality. Redemption arcs. Immortals falling in love with mortals (or ancient beings falling in love with less. ancient. beings. (this is not about Cian; this is about Luisa and the Fox)). Mental illness. Queer characters. SO much backstory trauma. SO MUCH BACKSTORY TRAUMA. Apparently also discussions of the use of sex and consent and vulnerability, which is a shocker to me, too, honest. Metaphorical masks and monsters. Usually also a kiddo scene, as mentioned above.

❌ - What's a trope you will never write?

Probably anything that requires sexual intricacies to fully flesh out. But also I'm hesitant to say never because I've found that even tropes I don't like (love triangles, i HATE you SO MUCH) I. still write, on occasion (looking at you, TNOS). So I'm not sure I can say there's a trope I will never write. ...unless it's something that is really triggering for me. But I've also written stuff that would be triggering for me if I were reading it, so like. This is not a good or helpful answer, Skylar, I'm sorry.

🏆 - What's your most popular fic?

AO3: It's a toss up between Finding Family (hits; comment threads) and What Dreams May Come (bookmarks, subscriptions, kudos). Tumblr: The Nature of Soulmates. It consistently has higher notes (even with prompts) than most of my other stuff (with the exception of Christmas Traditions and the very first Agave Stuff one-shot, which surpass or equal a couple of the lower ones).

🎯 - Have any of your readers accurately guessed major plot points? Care to share which?

Yes. I'm fairly certain - particularly with Finding Family - that someone (or multiple someones) did. I also think you have maybe at least once. But I don't remember...what exactly...those were...to tell you which.

🤗 - What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

Write what you are most excited about writing. Don't worry about being perfectly in character or having amazing prose or making everything neat and tidy. Get messy. Write a bunch. Write just for you, just what you want. Post when you're ready, and ignore everyone who gives you shit for it. Fanfic is about the community. It's about having fun with characters you love. Keep having fun and focus on that.

🧠 - Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them.

skylar you have to pick a character friendo You said Eve, so. Favorite headcanon for Eve! Probably that, despite her fervent desire to see the best in everyone (and her flaw of blaming herself for things when she...shouldn't, sometimes), Eve does have a line and it can be crossed (looking at you, Ted). For all that she loves people, she does have a boundary. But also that - if Ted had wanted to be forgiven, Eve would have forgiven him. If Ted had wanted to be reconciled, Eve would have allowed that. I think the point of this isn't just that Eve has self-respect and boundaries - she does - but also that she respects the boundaries other people put in place, too. If Ted doesn't want to be forgiven, then why should she put in the work to forgive him? Etc.

✅ - What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

So many characters in a lot of my most recent fics - not just Agatha, but I've caught Wanda saying it, too, and it's probably been more than just them - very clearly ask their partner Is this what you want? and then act accordingly. It's less about that last bit - it's more about that very specific line popping up fairly frequently recently. Sometimes multiple times within the same scene, that constant checking in (or pressing for an answer). Unintentional! But very much there.

[nichtnichtsohnedichsblog]

I regressed back to my 15 year old self when I was with him because he triggered her in so many ways. The hot and cold, the mind games, the playlist with all the songs she loved back then (every of them depressing without an exception), the constant need for validation from outside, the thrill of the game, the gut wrenching melancholy when I recognized the old cycle that I got myself in. It almost feels like I have been put through this again to check myself and uncover the pattern that followed me through all my relationships since I broke up with my perfect first boyfriend. I clearly have a type but while I don’t want to drag other people down for their flaws because we all have them I still feel the need to hold myself accountable for choosing unhealed and unhealthy partners. It needs to be addressed at this point. Love obviously is not something particularly easy to control but how fast you are willing to get into relationships and what feelings and characteristics you are attracted to in men CAN and should be controlled to protect yourself. Women are not into assholes even if many people seem to believe that to be true and act upon it. Women that choose to be with assholes have things to work on in themselves and should not date in the first place. Little did I know when I was nineteen and crying banging on his windows begging him to take me back. If you don’t come from a place of maturity self respect and boundaries you will get your heart broken. And most definitely it will be your fault too. No way around it. You can not continue to overgive to someone to get a sense of love and belonging that you failed to give yourself. It is in you. There is no need to put yourself in situations like this. No one is worth this but it sure builds character. Now that I went through heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak something clicked. I am no longer interested in dating at the moment simply because I feel like I finally have the tools to take care of myself now and probably can be a better partner for me than any of them ever were. And I’m not saying this to be petty. You should give it your all when you are in love because it would be pointless to hold back right? All or nothing. Emotions demand to be felt. Especially when you are nineteen. But. Giant huge enormous but. You already have what it takes. You always had what you were looking for. Look at it from a rational perspective forgive yourself and take the lessons to build a relationship with yourself first. You might find fulfillment and gratitude. You never were alone even if you felt like it.

[poe-tic-a]

Halo, Elza

[This message will not reach you in anyway and anyform. But i need to write it down anyway.]

I was hurt so badly, and maybe still am. It just feels like whatever you did was selfish. You said you would put me first, but you lied. You said you will still be my friends, but that was apparently a lie too. There are so many promises you end up failed to keep. And i am very much hurt by that. And perhaps you acknowledge that too. The fact that i was hurt. But you don't really care either. You said "it was not like that" but it was what i see. Perhaps i was wrong, perhaps i misintepreted things, but you were never trying to clarify things anyway. I should have written it with so much anger, but all i felt was hurt.

Why did you do that to me? You don't have to answer, and I no longer want to know either.

Perhaps it was hard for you too, perhaps that was the first time you have to deal with that kind of "weird" break up, perhaps you were too exhausted to think and care about anyone else when you can barely save yourself from the heartbreak, perhaps it was too much for you, and perhaps that's why it changed you. And perhaps i was selfish too, thinking that it was only hard for me just because you never really showed it. Thinking i was the only one struggling and you were actually enjoying yourself with those other people and women. Perhaps there were too many bad-thoughts i had about you. When perhaps, you were struggling just as much as i did back then. I didn't know what happened behind the door, but i want to stop having bad thoughts about you —because Allah told me to—. Perhaps you cried as much as i did, perhaps you got your heart broke as much as i did —or even more, perhaps you were desperate, perhaps you just want to stop your heart from breaking, perhaps you just want it to stop so that you nolonger have to wake up with such heavy heart. I just realized i have never thought about the probability that you got hurt as much as i did. I have always thought about you as the heartless guy who will just push me away and move on. But then i realized, you were always the guy with a heart that was so soft i could really just hurt you by setting my boundary, even for the right reason.

So yeah i forgive you. It must had been hard for you too. Although you failed to keep your promises, i still forgive you. Although i didn't say what you did was right, because it's still wrong, i forgive you. Although you are never sorry for breaking your promise, i forgive you. I want to be forgiven by Allah, hence why i forgive you.

But this forgiveness doesn't come with 9999th chances. 2nd 3rd and 100th chances i have given to you. But you are not really growing up. It's the very same mistakes over and over again. And although i want to forgive, i have no want to deal with another bleed. I was bleeding and i was dying and i simply have no other pack of bloods to deal with you anymore.

I need to leave to save me, to save myself, because you aren't going to save me, are you?

So yeah, for the past months, i was waiting right at the place where you left me, but for now and forever, you will no longer find me at the place where you left me. Because i too, finally, choose to leave.

I still have my feelings ofcourse, hence why i put my feelings here, you will still be able to find my feelings at the last place you left me alone, but you will no longer find my soul and my body. I left and i put it here, with all the grieves and the feelings that are left unsaid, for you.

I hope i can live well, without the burdens of carrying all these feelings for you. I hope i can finally put it here and leave in peace.

Good bye, my feelings

Good bye, my youth

Good bye, the place that i used to fill with so much love and sincerity and tenderness.

— still with so much love and tenderness that will most probably be the last time, Atika.

[escape-rock-bottom]

Journal #17 - The Power of Association ("I Feel" vs "I am" Statements)

The way you talk about your feelings, emotions, and state can actually change the way you internalize those things. It even extends as far as changing the way another person perceives your tone, meaning, and feelings. This is a concept I learned a long time ago from a past therapist but only just now really understood. It really pointed out an interesting problem with the way I conveyed my feelings and emotions regarding situations I was speaking about.

It comes down to how you articulate your intention with your words before you proceed to discuss your thoughts and feelings. Without pinpointing the fact that it’s a feeling, a thing that is personal to you and only momentarily comes about, it comes off as an absolute certainty or even an accusation. Saying "I feel" versus "I am" lays down the foundation of your intent.

Here’s some examples of what I mean by this.

Situation: Someone in your family ate your leftovers you were excited to come back to the next day, and upset you because they didn’t want to own up to it and keep trying to downplay your feelings

What you say: “You don’t have any respect for my things or other people, it’s annoying when you do selfish stuff like this!”

Effect: Accusatory statement. Tells the other person they are not considerate, which causes them to enter defense mode.

Reaction: They fight back. Things escalate past the point of reason

Now, let’s rewrite that with an “I feel” statement and make it non-accusatory

Situation: Someone in your family ate your leftovers you were excited to come back to the next day, and upset you because they didn’t want to own up to it and keep trying to downplay your feelings

What you say: I feel like my things don’t matter and I always have to guard my property from people who live here. It makes me sad and annoyed honestly.

Effect: Non-accusatory, the person is more likely to listen to how their actions make you feel.

Reaction: They either compromise and ask for forgiveness or apologize. If not, you get to make a compromise or set boundaries. This could not be achieved effectively if they get defensive.

Here’s another example, but this time regarding your own feelings towards yourself.

Situation: You failed a test in a subject you’re struggling in.

What you say to yourself: Man, I’m such a failure! I’ll never get a good grade in this class. I’m just not smart enough.

Direct effect: Directly attacks your sense of self esteem by degrading your perception of your intelligence.

Prolonged effect: You begin not putting in as much effort into studying for that class since you feel it’s not worth your energy since you believe you will inevitably fail. This in turn makes you feel worse about your intelligence and skills.

Now, let’s rewrite that one with an “I feel” statement and reframe the negativity.

Situation: You failed a test in a subject you’re struggling in.

What you say to yourself: Dang, I feel pretty frustrated with myself for failing. That SUCKS. I probably should get a tutor or something, I’ll get it next time. Failing doesn’t mean I’m an absolute failure.

Direct effect: You feel alleviated. You allow yourself to feel the emotions but move on afterwards. You resolve to recover and learn from the failure.

Prolonged effect: Your self esteem and confidence in intelligence is largely unaffected. You learned to pick yourself back up after falling, even if it’s a hard fall.

As you can see, detaching negative feelings from your (and others’) identity and self goes a long way. You don’t limit yourself to something that is not an absolute truth and only a belief. Living life thinking the worst of those around you or yourself really sucks – trust me on that one – but acknowledging faults, learning to communicate properly, and maintaining a positive approach to your problems actually helps you solve way more problems with effectiveness.

Specifically for me, it’s become a way I approach discussing or analyzing difficult to stomach feelings (either regarding how someone made me feel or feelings towards myself).

If I am journaling or talking about my negative feelings about general life stuff, it helps to allow the person on the receiving end to understand I am merely expressing a fleeting emotion or thought and not entering a state of concern or negative self-talk. If I am trying to bring up a problem in regards to someone else doing Silly Human Things (TM) that are causing some form of disturbance, it allows me to explain my feelings and thoughts without directly putting them on the spot or their egos under fire and sending them into defensive attack mode, or risking hurting their feelings with a false perception of their intentions and identity.

We really don’t get very far in a positive direction if we are negative towards ourselves or others. Unwanted criticisms and accusations only hurt, and statements regarding your personal thoughts and feelings allow you to build a deeper connection and communicate.

Next time you’re faced with a tough situation, try to reframe your statements about your negative thoughts and feelings in a way that it is clear it’s just a fleeting thought or feeling, and is not attacking yourself or another person. Then, analyze how it makes you feel: Were you allowed to let go much easier than before? Did you find your discussion with someone else was less emotional and more productive? Did you see any significant change in how you felt about your own self-worth?