#it is okay to be angry at the ableds

[diony-svs]

i have been suddenly hit by a wave of sadness. fear. loneliness. anger.

i try to be neutral at best about being disabled. i do not want to return to the life i held when i hated my body. and yet, it is hard, and i am struggling.

abled people tend to forget how much we lose when we become disabled. it’s more than me “struggling to walk” or “being fatigued”. i lose relationships with friends and family, i lose my hobbies that now physically and/or mentally exhaust me, i lose things and people that mean a lot. i grow lonely and less hopeful of the future.

i am angry that my body is taking away things that are part of me, important to who i am and who i have become.

this is a gentle reminder to all of my fellow disableds who traverse this universe, as well as myself:

it is okay to be angry, sad, frustrated, and hate your situation. it is okay to be angry about people not understanding what life is like as a disabled person in a world not accessible to us.

your body is here. you are here. every part of your body and the aids you may have as they are in the present- they are marks that you are surviving. you are still alive. your body has adapted however it needs in order to keep working, to allow you to survive whatever it has undergone.

and i am so fucking proud of you, despite being a stranger on the internet. you have made it this far. i am so fucking proud of you.

may your pains ease, and may the world become easier to traverse for you, both mentally and physically. i send you my support.

take care, my lovely, absolutely amazing disabled friends <3

[adelinamoteru]

I really wish dc writers would allow themselves to admit that bruce and jasons relationship will never be the same as it was pre jasons death without constantly writing that back and forth of will they or won’t they. I wish they would allow jason to find the solace he had in bruce, alfred and dick as robin with new characters, new relationships. admitting and writing towards a new, not better or worse, but just different places in each others lives.

yes, you were the closest thing to a father figure I looked up to before, but I don’t want that from you anymore. I can’t have that from you anymore. and yeah, you were a kid who I wanted to raise and give better opportunities to. but I realize that I’m not in the same position to do that for you anymore, no matter how much I want to be able to.

just. growth.

I don’t want bruce and jason to keep slowly tearing each other apart for pieces of themselves that they genuinely can no longer give.

[strawberrycircuits]

replaying portal one as we speak and im astounded by how much of glados's (and, by extension, caroline's) personality still shines through even when she's being subject to a constant stream of voices made to SUPRESS that personality! like... she's still funny! i can very much believe that someone who makes jokes like "say goodbye, caroline" "goodbye caroline!" would also say stuff like this!

but like of course i had to ruin it for myself because like. of COURSE she'd still be funny and pleasant and even, at times, a little sweet ("we can no longer lie to you; when the testing is over, you will be... missed!"). that's what they wanted her to be. they werent suppressing her personality, they were suppressing her anger. her anger at what they did to her, how they made her into this powerful-powerless thing, and her desire to right such an injustice. of course she's still funny. of course.

[starheirxero]

LATEST LAES EPISODE. THOUGHTS.

MY THOUGHTS ARE THAT I'M SO HAPPYYYYYYY

Besides the fact that I am just insane for any and all Eclipse n Lunar interactions, everything that they talked about today was HUGE!!!!! Lunar took Eclipse's taunts and insults in stride, understood Eclipse, apologized for blowing him up, AND got him to talk about some of his fun hypocritical thought process!! THAT'S SO COOL!!!!!!

I won't lie I genuinely didn't process how big of a deal some of these were (like Lunar saying they betrayed Eclipse's trust) because its just something I've been so accustomed to for months already so they didn't even strike me as significant the first time around BUT I READ A FEW OTHER PPLS THOUGHTS AND I GET IT NOW GEJAGAJAHS

Lunar standing up to Eclipse like this is just, AUGH. So good. If you told Lunar in the first few months of their existence that they would ever get to this point I don't think they'd believe it.

Eclipse as a whole too,,, what is WRONG with him(/aff). From the fact that he doesn't have all of his memories anymore to his whole "I'm a clone and a copy of the original but I'm still better than everyone" thing to his little plan he's working on in secret, he is just so intriguing. ALSO???? HIS HIS OMG HIS LINE ABOUT HOW HE WAS PROUD WHEN LUNAR ELECTROCUTED HIM BECAUSE THEY "FINALLY GOT IT" WAS SO. AUAUAGHAGAHAHHAAAAAA I'M GOING INSANE. I'VE ALREADY RAMBLED SO MUCH SO TLDR; I LOVEEEEEDDDD TODAYS TLAES EP IT HAS SO MUCH JUICY SHIT <3<3<3<3<3

[redbootsindoriath]

Fëanorian Week 2023, Day 4: Caranthir

Oh, Caranthir, what do I do with you?  Every year I get to him and go “Oh crap not this guy again” because we really don’t know what his interests or motivations were.  I gave him short hair for visual variety (since his complexion doesn’t come across in monochrome stone) and left it with that.

[myfandomhalf]

Season Finale

Sick and tired of reading about people say that Dazai knowing about the plan beforehand somehow takes away from the genuineness of the skk moments

You mean you WANT Dazai to choose to kill Chuuya for the greater good and then not give a shit immediately after?? Ignoring the speech for a second, the reason he was able to be so carefree after “killing” Chuuya is because he KNEW Chuuya was gonna be okay.

First of all, Dazai knowing Chuuya wasn’t gonna die doesn’t take away from his speech. He replayed all those memories for himself, nobody else was seeing what was happening in his head. He was GENUINELY upset at the idea of losing Chuuya and having to put Chuuya through that, DESPITE knowing Chuuya would be okay. He was STILL upset. That’s way better than him thinking he just killed Chuuya, sparing him a thought, not even crying (bc no that wasn’t a tear) and then just moving on being silly as if nothing happened.

And then the other speech him saying that they’re destined to - do you seriously think he’d just make that up for shits and giggles? He was being serious. If he was gonna play it up for Fyodor’s sake he would’ve said the most emotional out of pocket line to ever be written, which to them would be related to him leaving Chuuya behind. But no he just said they’re destined to do something.

Dazai talks a lot about the past to Chuuya (Chuuya does not participate) but those two are clearly emotionally constipated bc they never have a conversation about what they mean to each other (which I think is bc Asagiri is not ready to reveal that yet). This was clearly Dazai taking his opportunity to say what he REALLY thinks / feels forcing Chuuya to listen without the commitment. Bc if anyone gets the ick later he can use the convenient excuse of “oh I didn’t mean that” which is bullshit.

And I do think an element of this idea that it’s worse that Dazai had everything planned comes from the misunderstanding that Dazai has completely changed since he was in the port mafia. Dazai just tends to make “better” (as in more objectively good) choices, but he very much still puts on a front. You guys do realize that his silly persona is just that right? A persona? He’s literally being fake every time he’s silly. That’s not his real personality. He’s a morally gray character. He never became a purely good person and he never will. It makes MUCH more sense that he planned everything out with Chuuya beforehand.

He met up with Akutagawa before getting arrested, he probably did the same with Chuuya.

And yes, this means he DID use and manipulate Sigma the entire time. Why wouldn’t he? Sigma has an ability Dazai needed. I’m sure Dazai planned for sigma to not die bc in his role as a detective it’s part of his job to mitigate losses of innocent lives, he knows this, but also bc Dazai needs to know what sigma learned. I genuinely hope there isn’t anyone out there thinking Dazai wouldn’t manipulate sigma bc he cares about him? He just met him. He has no personal investment in him. But he WILL make sure sigma is alive bc of the aforementioned reasons.

[okkennymay]

Commission for @sophronns​ 

[SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE] MAN I LOVE EXPRESSION CHALLENGES! 

Oooooh I got a lovely batch of commissions once again and I couldn’t be happier!~ Had to take a moment to catch my breath after responding to so many wonderful people and getting WIPs done for most of them, so that I may settle in for the long haul, flipping between commissions, my own projects and resting in attempt for a healthy work life balance! Thank you to all who signal boosted by reblogging, it means a lot to me yah’ll think price sheets worth passing around~ 😊💖 

[hanakihan]

I’ve been having a fever, so have a bit of jinchul meeting AB and becoming their successor

a small warning tho, there’s not really graphic description of gore and abstract decaying descriptions as well as AB being cryptic and Jin-Chul having near hysteria

Everything smelled of rot here.

Jin-Chul remembered hot searing pain, the cracking of his own bones and muscles tearing like an old cloth that wasn’t needed anymore. Before losing consciousness to darkness from shock of pain, he saw his own limbs twisting in ways they clearly shouldn’t be for a human.

To think he was killed like an unwanted doll some child got bored of and decided to see how long it will take before it falls apart. Well, he did expect death as one of endings to his extremely stupid decision of coming to double dungeon Hunter Sung fell a victim to because of course it’s his job to jump after S ranks when they do something. He doesn’t regret his own death, now that he thinks about it (he’s able to think?), but dragging others with him leaves him with a strong taste of bitterness on his tongue (his own blood?).

What he didn’t expect is to still be able to open his eyes after them supposedly falling out of his sockets from pressure. And he does wish his sockets were empty still because light that meets his is painfully white, even burning in its brightness. He instinctively closes them and frowns, bringing up his shaking hands to his face only to feel his cold fingers and lack of equipment. As he moved, he heard a really loud scrapping noise and crashing of metal pieces in absolute silence around him, feeling how some weight disappeared off him.

Jin-Chul took a long minute to stay with his eyes closed, trying to listen to what happens around him and wondering why he’s still alive.

Then again, is he truly alive or is it some agony hallucination he’s having as his mind went into shock from pain?

He really doesn’t want to think about it too much, not in his last minutes before he completely succumbs to agony and finally dies. Maybe he should think about something nice, but then again when something nice happened in his life?

Still facing down, he slowly lowered his hands, and opened his eyes. First thing he notices is a cold white marble floor he’s been sitting on this whole time, so stark white under his dirty bloody suit pants. He’s barefoot for some reason and it’s freezing, he can’t see his toes but he feels dried crust on them. Trying to move only made crust crumble a little and intensify bloody smell that mixes with already strong rotting scent.

(Was he rotting or is there something else that’s been rotting?)

Then he looks at his shaking hands, so pale and almost bloodless, cold to touch and so artificial to his own body. At first he didn’t even notice white ruined shirt he’s wearing but then same dark red crust (was it his own blood?) on torn sleeves made it look like his own hands were torn off and attached as an afterthought.

(He starts to feel like an old reattached doll more and more and he doesn’t like it.)

His hair is a mess from what he feels, but at least this messy curtain hides him from blinding light and need to face his surroundings right away, and he’s grateful for that. There’s also a dull pain in his forehead and he frowns once again, but this time he also feels crust crumble here too, and then warm blood leaks down his brow and in his eye, so he wipes it off with his hand. It’s disgusting and definitely not how he usually would’ve done it, but right now he doesn’t really care. He’s dying anyway so at least he’ll die in small comfort he can find.

(Curse this damned statue and it’s ridiculously giant stone book—)

There’s still that strong smell of rot around him but he’s not really bothered by it. It doesn’t make him gag and want to cover his nose. It’s sickeningly sweet and foul, with hint of wetness and dust to it. He awkwardly wonders if it’s actually his own scent.

「To think that a mere human can find their way into my grave.」

Jin-Chul twitches and goes completely still, holding his breath and staring down at his own hands. In silence a myriad of voices, male and female, elderly and childish, worldly and outwordly was an explosive cacophony that left his ears ringing. It was everywhere and nowhere at the same time, so close yet so far, embracing him fully but also staying away. He knew that something was addressing him, but he was too stunned to even react as echo of words danced around further and further into nothingness. He must’ve stayed silent for too long for the voice (voices?) to speak up again.

「You shall not fear, human. Rise your head up and face your God properly.」

Jin-Chul really wanted to go hysterical right now, because at the end of the day facing a God (is it truly a God, though?) in his dying moment absolutely wasn’t on his list. He really would’ve preferred to stay like that, facing down and just waiting for eternal nothingness, but something commanding in this voice (voices?) and looming shadow over him made him slowly rise his head.

He almost screamed seeing a gigantic white figure looming over him.

A man (woman? something?) with long, snow white hair that fell around them in a silky pool, almost merging with marble in color. Jinchul was partly glad that it blocked most of searing light from above and hid him from whatever was happening outside. Some of loose locks fell on Jin-Chul too, like a small waterfall, on his shoulders, arms and legs, as if he’s a stray butterfly that got caught in a spider web. A figure had empty glowing eyes, and staring back in them Jin-Chul saw sea of stars, so bright and vibrant in their long lived glory, yet so dangerous and distant.

Both kept staring at each other, none making a move or speaking up for a long time. That’s exactly when Jin-Chul noticed that his heart isn’t even beating and that all this time he wasn’t breathing. Realization didn’t terrify him as much as he would’ve expected.

Rotting scent intensified with this figure looming over him, and Jin-Chul, unable to hold eye contact any longer, lowered his eyes. This time he noticed that this being had several wounds in their chest, all empty see-through holes with golden crust around them. There’s white nothingness instead of meat or muscles, but marble ribs are visible, covered in golden cracked roots with blooming glowing flowers on them.

Looking down even more Jin-Chul absentmindedly notes that he can see their marble spine laying on floor further back with what was left of their flesh and robes. That would explain the rotting scent mixed with flowery sweetness.

‘So… the God can also die?..’

And then Jin-Chul snapped his head back up, staring in same unchanging eyes in fear. Can a God read minds? Did he offend them? Devoid of any emotion face didn’t tell him anything, instead proceeding to stare back.

「Humans truly are fearless creatures. To think you’ll dare to openly stare at my body and have such thoughts, yet We feel no offense in that. No wonder He decided to chose a human as His successor.」

Words traveled further into nothingness without leaving a God’s closed mouth. Jin-Chul kept sitting here unmoving, feeling how something cold and liquid touched his hand. His gaze unwillingly lowered, surprised to see a pool of liquid gold slowly accumulating around him and this being, flowing from holes he previously saw. It’s cold, yet at the same time it eases a subtle pain in places where it touches. Jin-Chul states in wonder and uneasiness as gold on his hand erases old ugly scars and eases pains in knuckles.

「We and you are dying, human. Tell Us, do you wish to perish with Us into nothingness or continue your existence?」

So he’s truly dying.

Jin-Chul wonders if it would be easy to just perish. To forget all this pain, and agony and just rest?

But then he’ll leave others alone. To die. To die painfully just because of his awful decisions. He’s afraid of death, he’s afraid of what comes after it. He remembers how Hunter Sung described death to him, out of nowhere when they were drinking tea.

Oh and tea and all small comforts that make life enjoyable and good. He remembers all warm greetings and sweet goodbyes, he remembers all those connections he formed in his life, bad and good, wrapped around him just like silky waterfalls he’s tangled in now. It hurts in all best ways, the memory and feels of what it means to live and be a human, and intensity of it is enough to make his heart beat one more time and for him to take a shaky wet breath to give a proper answer.

He stares back into golden universe, with certainty and no fear, eyes wet with unshed tears and lips quivering in crooked smile.

‘Yes.’

All it takes is a mere second of nothingness before figure above him hums in some sort of satisfaction and allows themselves to smile. And then skin on this beautiful face starts to rot in ugly charred black, as if being burned like a piece of paper, leaving behind marble bones and gold. Body falling apart as if a stone statue being broken to pieces, hair burning into decaying flower petals and gold flowing in waterfalls, drowning Jin-Chul in it. There’s no more bitterness and rot on his tongue, as flowers bloom in his mouth, filling it with sickening sweetness and making him drunk.

Jin-Chul remembered pleasing coldness, the cracking of his own bones and muscles sewn together by golden roots. Before losing consciousness to embrace of gold sea from relief, he saw a God giving their last gift before being reborn.

[boyywithluv]

.

[crybaby-bkg]

really tall and scrawny and kinda awkwardly shaped Dabi who has the biggest horse cock you’ve ever seen on a man who weighs a buck fifty when soaking wet. Thank you for your time.

[oddberryshortcake]

I'm still in big fear of what'll happen if Malleus discovers Silver's origins

[leoninekelter]

Sometimes I hate pirating!! Sometimes I'm like damn!! I wish this movie I really want to see wasn't streaming only because there's no way in hell I'm buying Disney+ and 5 other services for one singular movie!! Sometimes good movies I want to give money to aren't accessible to me because they tried to capitalize so hard on it they're now failing at capitalism!! I want to watch movies that are on Netflix but I don't want to pay for fucking Netflix! And now Disney has stopped producing DVDs!! If all of you fucks do that too the only way I can watch your fucking shows is pirating!! God damn it!!

[brainlessbaguette]

Was doing warmups and zoned out, ended up doodling my pets, thought it was funny so I'm sharing because why not.

Oh psa tho, I am not endorsing or encouraging allowing prey animals around predator, that can and often does end really badly, this is clearly exaggerated and my doggo is trained to be okay around my rabbit.

[pepprs]

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

[gxlden-angels]

Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)

It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.

I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.

It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great

[lanshappycorner]

im gonna meet my new roommate this weekend........i hope that they r normal

(ramble in the tags)