#it really hasn't come up in all my reading so far and I've done... a pretty fair amount lol

[cuddlytogas]

Fyre sent me an article that made me Lose My Mind, so instead of sending 800 tweets about it, I decided to just write up my thoughts here

so, in re: ET Fox, 'Jacobitism and the Golden Age of Piracy' --

Fox is definitely exaggerating. His logic jumps from 'ship names and alleged toasts', to 'every pirate was one contact away from a confirmed Jacobite', to "a Jacobite maritime community" (296), with little evidence beyond each previous assumption. He does demonstrate a link with popular Jacobitism, but overstates pirates' political commitment by far.

There's one letter to George Camocke, a Jacobite naval officer, suggesting that the pirate fleet should unite under his command and take Bermuda as a Jacobite base, but the source is shaky, and it went nowhere once Woodes Rogers ousted the pirates. (It's I think from 1718 and unsigned? Possibly from Charles Vane and his crew? Fox only says that, "Through these contacts [unspecified, between Vane and English Jacobites] a letter reached George Camocke" (286), which is suspiciously vague, and I can't access the original to check. Either way, it would still only prove the committed politics of one crew.)

Fox also makes a lot of Archibald Hamilton, governor of Jamaica from 1710-16, who commissioned and profited from the anti-Spanish privateers who turned pirate and made up some of the original Bahamas pirates c. 1715. Since "it has been suggested that [Hamilton] was a Jacobite supporter" (283), Fox claims that these establishing pirates were also committed Jacobites, and therefore the whole pirate community that grew around them must have been. (Which leads to Fox then being baffled when there's no direct evidence of Jacobitism among some of them, such as the crews of Anstis, Fenn, or Rackham.) He relies on these assumptions, and then claims that every connection between pirates proves their mutual Jacobite sympathies.

It's much more likely (and in line with the historians I've read so far) that the Jacobite toasts and ship names speak to a broader anti-authoritarianism among pirates, with no evidence of committed Jacobite actions by them, eg, specifically targeting Hanoverian ships, or materially supporting or trying to support Jacobite rebels beyond that one letter. Indeed, the 1710s/20s pirates are generally agreed to be distinct for not adhering to religious/national loyalties like the C17th pirates usually did. (I'm so sorry, I haven't consolidated my notes yet, but I know Marcus Rediker goes through this, as does Kris E Lane, and I think Tim Travers and David Cordingly.)

Fox does identify a correlation between the rise and fall of Jacobitism and piracy over the mid/late 1710s, but attributes a pretty shaky causation: pirates ceased their Jacobite loyalties due to the suppression of Jacobitism in Britain and Europe. A much more obvious explanation is that both anti-authoritarian movements simultaneously flourished in the post-war, post-succession instability, then were both quashed as the new regime established itself and cracked down on rebels.

So, did many pirates espouse Jacobite sympathies? Yes! They named their ships in favour of Jacobite causes and rulers, and there are plenty of reports of them toasting to King James / the Pretender. (Which it must be said, although the sheer volume lends a ring of truth to the trend, individual claims should be taken with a grain of salt, as Jacobitism was a common accusation against criminals at the time, with or without a basis.)

Does that mean that the 1710s Caribbean pirate community was centred around a heart of politically committed Jacobites, as Fox argues, or largely motivated by Jacobite sentiments? Yeah, probably not.

Anyway, I am SO sorry that this article got me riled up XD the whole point of this is to say, I've never read anywhere that "many pirates were Jacobites driven out of Britain", which I KNOW wasn't even your main point, but I am unfortunately Insane. We can and should talk about expressions of pro-Jacobitism and actual political engagement among 'Golden Age' pirates, but what we know of their actual actions and espoused ideals doesn't speak to a trend of committed Jacobite politics beyond a general loyalty to rebellious causes.

[rosenclaws]

Would You Fall In Love with Me Again || Worst!Logan x Reader

Would you fall in love with me again If you knew all I've done? The things I cannot change Would you love me all the same? I know that you've been waiting, waiting for love

warnings: angsty af, happy ending, sad logan.

wc: 1.5k

alternate version

a/n: I heard this song and immediately pictured Logan so this fic was cooked up! I hope y'all like it <3 I'd recommend listening to the song while reading or before or after! Its a great musical btw

Logan holds the small piece of paper in his hands. It's been crumpled and flattened countless times. He turns it over in his hands, the faded black in is just bright enough to read. He glances down at it again. Written on it is an address. Laura's words playing over and over in his head.

Find her. She would want to see you.

Would you? Would you want to see him? He's not the same man that you knew. He's not your man. He's not the hero you remember. He's just a broken, tired, old man. He's a coward.

Laura gave him your address shortly after he came to his world. But he never went. He was afraid. This tiny slip of paper would keep him up at night. If the nightmares didn't get to him first than this stupid, little paper did. He debated on throwing it away.

You didn't need him. You were better off without him. But was he? You were his better half. Always had been. Just one look, a meeting. Closure. So he set off to find you one last time.

Each foot step weighs heavy as he marches to your front door. A small cabin tucked away from the the busy town only a few miles away. This is his handiwork. Logan always promised you that he'd build you a house one day, when you two were done with all the X-Men bullshit.

He had already written out the plans back before...before he lost you. Initials are carved into one of the wood boards. His fingers running over the letters, tracing them as his mind floods with memories of you.

He raises his fist and knocks at your door. His ears straining to hear you move behind the wooden door. Though if you didn't answer he couldn't blame you. He's the ghost of the man you once loved standing on your doorstep. He waits and waits and nothing.

His shoulders sag in defeat. What was he thinking? This was stupid. He takes the paper and crumbles it up in his hands, throwing it as far as he could into the woods.

"Pretty sure that's littering." He freezes at the sound of your voice. He knows it's you. He doesn't need to see your face, this voice had been haunting his nightmares for years.

"Logan?" He nearly falls to his knees. His name sounds so sweet coming from your lips. He hasn't heard it in so long. Ever so slowly he turns around, a part of him afraid this is another dream.

"Is it really you?" You're holding a grocery bag, dressed up for the cold weather. He's frozen as you walk up to him. Your eyes shine with tears as your hand reaches out for him.

"Please tell me its you." Your hand cups his face.

Thumb lightly brushing over his face. He looks different. He looks tired. So much pain behind those gorgeous eyes. He melts into your touch. He clenches his fists at his side as he leans his head into your hand.

"My love, how I've missed you." Logan opens his eyes to see the wedding band sitting on your finger. He never got the chance to give that to you.

"Sweetheart...I'm not the same man." He wishes he was. God he wishes he could sweep you up in his arms. Runaway and live in this cabin for all eternity. You smile softly. Your hand leaves his face and he visibly sinks.

"Come inside yeah?" Without thinking he takes the grocery bag out of your hands and follows you inside. There's not much inside.

"Laura told me about you, she sent letters when she came back." You explain as you reach into the fridge and pull out a beer, his favorite.

"I buy a new pack every week, in case you ever showed up." You smile when you talk but Logan can only focus on the bottle in front of him. The guilt eating him alive.

"I'm so sorry." He chokes out.

"For what?" You ask. He looks at you in disbelief, how could you be so forgiving, so welcoming.

"I'm not your husband. I-I'm not the man you fell in love with." He places the beer on the counter. If he closes his eyes he can picture you and him in this little cabin. Be the family you both always wanted. But he's not yours.

"I know you aren't. I'm not a fool Logan. But..." He's not your husband, he's different. He's not a replacement for the man you once loved but your love for Logan was stronger than anything you've ever felt.

"Would you fall in love with me again? You don't know what I've done. I'm not worthy of the love you gave to him." A tear slips down Logan's face.

He sinks to the ground, on his knees. Silently begging to be loved by you once again. The shame of his past chains him to the ground, he can't even look at you.

"What did you do my love?" You cup his face and tilt his head up.

"I lost you, I lost everyone. I can still smell your blood, I can still hear your voice calling to me. But I walked away." He grabs onto your wrists and holds onto them desperately.

"I walked away from you." You wipe away a tear that falls down his cheeks. His normally stoic face crumbles into a mess of despair and loneliness.

"I needed to numb myself. I started drinking, I started killing. I left a trail of blood in my wake." He expects you to cower away from him. To be disgusted with what he's done.

"Once I started, I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I was so angry, so buried in my grief that the only thing I could feel was rage." The grip on your wrists is firm and tight. Not to the point of pain but he's locked around your hands. Please don't leave him again, please.

"Forgive me." You drop his face and it hangs low, ashamed of what he's revealed to you. You've been waiting for him, all this time only to come and disappoint you.

"If you think that's true, that you're not the same man I feel in love with. Then leave."

"W-What?" He's taken aback.

"You want me to leave?"

"I don't want you to leave but you keep saying you're not the same man. So if you truly believe that, than leave." Logan is stunned to silence.

"No." He says without thinking. He's spent every night missing you, thinking of you. You're here in front of him, it's not the same you but he still loves you. He will always love you.

"I can't leave you, I just found you again I...I won't." He stands up and takes your hand.

"This wedding band, I bought it after out first date. I knew, that I was in love with you but I was so scared to lose you." Tears fall down your face as he presses your hand against his face.

"I ended up losing you anyways."

"He told me that story when he proposed." You say softly. He may be from another universe but he will always be the love of your life.

"You asked if I'd fall for you again, how could I not?" He presses his forehead to yours, noses knocking together as you get to take in the man before you.

"I will always love you. I don't care how you got here, where you're from or what you've done. " You close your eyes as Logan wraps you up in his arms. Holding you close as he whispers apologies.

"No matter how long its been, you're mine." You kiss Logan fiercely, tasting the man who you've longed to hold in your arms again.

He's equally as desperate to feel you. His hands squeezing your sides gently as he walks you back until you hit the wall. Your hands run through his hair, the feeling of your wedding band in his hair only eggs him on.

Silently he thanks the universe for bringing him to you, for your forgiving, loving nature. He would have begged on his knees for a chance like this. He growls when you tug on his hair. His hand slipping up your shirt just to feel your skin. When you finally part he refuses to stay too far.

"Tell me Logan, how long as it been." Your heart aches to think of the pain he's been through. The life he's had to live without anyone to calm his self loathing thoughts.

"I can't even remember." He sounds so tired as he buries his face in your neck.

"It's okay, I'm here now."

"I love you." He whispers, a sense of relief washing over him as he utters the words he thought he'd never get to say again.

You had been waiting for him to come home and you would have waited until the day you too your last breath. He's worth it, all that waiting was worth it for you to call Logan yours.

"I love you too Logan, forever."

[mortalityplays]

Forgive me if I'm mistaking you for another person, but I remember you speaking at multiple points on the unsustainability of free social media services (I think especially in response to the cohost collapse?), and I'm curious on what your thoughts on bluesky are so far. I'm not an expert on the subject, but from what I've read previously it seemed like they were on track to be financially sustainable, but I don't know if the recent floods of users has thrown those projections off. Sorry if I'm mixing you up with someone else on my timeline, in that case just ignore me.

bluesky will almost certainly follow the same trajectory of monetisation => bloat => enshittification => decline as every other major platform built on venture capital and user hoarding. it's a terrible model that only works in the short term as a mirage for attracting funding and making founders look good for a year or two before they sell.

you can see the same effect in the decline of all the subscription box services that came into vogue just before covid: they feel great to use for as long as the initial injection of venture funding lasts, because the purpose of that funding at that stage is to attract users and impress the next round of funders with how pleasant/intuitive/efficient/ethical/good value the service is. that's the stage where they're handing out freebies and bowling over influencers, and every ingredient in the box is fresh and high quality and locally sourced. wow what a good deal, what a great system!!! why hasn't anyone done this before? the answer is because it's unsustainable by design. they rack up good reviews, sign on a billion new users, attract new funding from a bunch of much more credulous investors, and then gut all of the expensive parts. portions get smaller, ingredients get worse, packaging gets flimsier, prices go up, freebies turn into "5% off your first 9 boxes when you invite 3 friends", and customer service vanishes.

with social media (and platforms like discord) the logic is the same, it's just a little less glaringly obvious to the end user because they're not coming home to leaking packages of rancid chicken on the doorstep. bluesky has an advantage over tiny operations like cohost because it was founded by a billionaire making a point for the sake of his own image. it got a really significant chunk of startup funding, and the owner had existing connections and rep in the space to attract more. That's why it has survived the goldrush period, why it still feels good to use, and why users who have been burned so many times before are finally accepting it as a stable, reliable option. It's still in its venture capital honeymoon phase where the only thing worth spending money on is making the service attractive to users.

What I expect we will see next, with another mass influx of users from twitter and new funding from a rogue's gallery of tech venture sickos led by Blockchain Capital is a strong ramp up into monetising that userbase. They've already been pretty forthright about how they plan to do this, and I think it's a solid roadmap of how Bluesky will bloat and decay over the next few years:

this is a huge lol. don't worry, we're not going to hyperfinancialize the social experience through NFTs. the thing even crypto freaks started feigning amnesia about a year ago. real "our health conscious sodas are 100% arsenic free" messaging here. They know perfectly well that rubes users are suspicious of their typical 5 dimensional tech finance chess games and are patting our hands about last week's bogeymen so nobody worries too hard about whatever 'decentralised developer ecosystem' just happens to be helmed by a bunch of crypto guys. this definitely means something good and based and not a google-like single sign on user data harvesting operation.

This is the same shit that's currently rotting the floorboards of discord. Bluntly, there is no way to run a platform on this scale without gating functionality behind paid services. Discord has been squeezing free-tier file uploads and call quality etc. down steadily and cranking up subscription costs over the last year or two, throwing in chaff like animated avatar frames to try and justify the user cost. They're also doing the same misdirection thing again here, pointing to Thing We All Hate to deflect from thing we might not like very much when they do it. Booo elon booo we all hate elon!!! wait how do we feel about subscription models again,

watch out for this to kill porn on bsky like it has killed porn on every other social platform 👍 boooo we hate elon boooo stupid idiot and his 'everything app' booooo wait why do you need my tax information, what's that about mastercard,

Look, we are all aware social media is a money pit. Let's not forget dorsey was looking to sell twitter in the first place, long before elon's very public plunge into total online derangement. Subscription services are not going to plug the hole, so we are gradually going to see more and more spaghetti thrown at the wall while early funders shuffle cards and do their pyramid scheme bit bringing in stupider and stupider investments. this is the window in which bluesky will be temporarily worth using for us, for the idiot public, the poorly rendered crowd jpegs in the background of their venture capital MOBA. it's in their interests to slow and pad the decline as much as possible, because that is how they get maximally paid.

Given the scale of the money involved, and dorsey's weird ego investment, I think bluesky will probably manage a controlled drift for a good few years before it gets really bloated and painful. and by then we will all be so used to the *checks notes* decentralised developer ecosystem that we'll just be posting through it, watching another generation of columnists call another collapsing platform 'their beloved hellsite' and passing around that meme about not getting out of our chairs no sir until idk we all get on a fediverse neurolink alternative to stick it to the elongated muskrat and our brains pop peacefully in our sleep. which I guess is the closest thing to viability any social media platform can achieve.

anyway diogenes the cynic is also on bluesky

[greatmothsukk]

I have not been a very happy girl. The last half yeah has just kept feeling worse and worse. I need it to be better. I need to be happy. For those who wanna hear ill talk some below. Otherwise enjoy this chelsey with her little otter

Last summer was the best part of my life. Constant fishing. Dating a woman I was head over heels for. Fully expecting Trump to lose the election. Every thing was going okay. Then all that went away. Even fishing hasn't picked up much. I've been in such a muck this whole time. Politics went from suspense to dread in a instant and now constant fear and paranoia. I try to escape it I fucking can't. I can't just skedaddle over the boarder to somewhere else and leave. And it isn't clearing up anytime soon. Meanwhile the break up was amicable with no hard feelings but Still hit me so hard after imagining always having her by my side. And recently learned she has a gf now. Im happy for her but after spending months wishing and wishing to finally hear her call me her girlfriend and for that day to never come, it did sting my heart a little hearing her call someone Else that title i coveted so dearly. I know many more wonderful people but she was only the 2nd ive ever found so close to me I could really see her. Also the heartbreak made me shy away from other friends I have a crush on cause those feelings reminded me of her too much and didn't wanna have a negative association with them.

And I've felt like I've done so little and keep watching everyone else's lives move forward. I had been struggling to make art for a while and my attempts to make videos has been stunted cause I hate my voice so bad and voice training keeps failing. And its been hard to decide on stuff to make cause I don't care about what I make art of much. I don't really play video games or watch any shoes and don't wanna. I haven't really wanted to play pokemon in ages. I just like making art of these things but trying to play yugioh is a slog. I wish I had Passion. I wish I had interests that actually drove me and made me excited. And the bigger my platform has become the more isolated ive felt. Even here, once I hit like 1000 followers people started acting weird again like im some upper class whos they're either innoying trying to talk to or Assuming im a snobby cunt. It sucks cause I see smaller artists with lovely little communities I always wished for. But instead i have a web of friends who some of which dislike each other they have one another blocked.

And as for my home life it hasn't been fun. My boyfriend is wonderful but justAs depressed if not worse. Too many arguments. And far too many dead pets. All while the house falls apart more every day and im not allowed to fix it.

My only saving grace recently has been knowing that fishing will pick up soon and that I have been able to keep up with the hoenn dex. It helps me prove that I can accomplish something big. And I can stick to something. Its why im more and more confident that ill be able to keep up with having patreon exclusive pieces when that starts. It makes sure this winter wasn't a total waste. It makes sure I live through it all.

If you read all this thank you. Im sorry if my posts have made you fear at all recently for me. Im trying to stop being a loser. I wanna be good. I wanna be happy.

[juletheghoul]

Let Me Follow (Part 7)

AN: Ooop. I haven't updated this in a year and I feel terrible, I am trying to go through all of the unfinished fics I have, and update one every week. (dream big Jules) Hopefully get through all of the things I have in my head. Hopefully it's been worth the wait! I've done my best to edit this myself, but it hasn't been beta'd. Enjoy! xo 🩷

Joel Miller x F!Reader

Pairing: Joel x F!Reader

Word Count: 4.8K

Warnings: (18+ NO MINORS) ANGST, language, age-gap (about 10-11 years, legal, reader is of age), Yearning, post-apocalyptic world, Joels injury / ptsd / nightmare

Let me know if I missed anything!

reblogs are appreciated

Masterlist Series Masterlist

He’s gone when you wake up. Both of them are, they’re gone most of the day but it makes sense. You chalk it up to Joel catching up with his brother and Ellie taking advantage of the safety of this place. You, in turn, find yourself almost haunting the house Maria and Tommy had put you up in. The time spent in the trailer, although quiet for the most part, was also wrapped up in the web of anxiety. Every second spent there was corrupted with fear of someone finding it, always the danger of infected wandering into the woods and surprising you when you’d go scavenging, and in comparison to that, this felt peaceful. 

This house gave you a chance to rest, to nap and enjoy the safety of the walls surrounding you, surrounding the town itself. Even when you got hungry, it was only a matter of making your way down the street to the cafeteria. People looked at you with curiosity, but didn’t pry, which only inspired intense gratitude. 

The whole day was a much needed respite from the worry and anxiety, until Ellie stormed into the house to find you reading an old novel on the sofa late in the evening. Anger burning on her face and it seemed strange to be so angry in a place like this. 

“What happened?” The adrenaline shoots up, the familiarity of it is so depressing, it seems your body is always ready to feel this way. 

“He’s leaving me.” She runs up the stairs and you find yourself running up after her, the door to the bedroom she’d claimed all but shut in your face before you could follow her inside. 

“Ellie? Can I come in?” You knock, hoping she’ll elaborate, “Ellie?”

“Whatever.” She calls out and you follow her inside, finding her sitting on a dusty bay window. 

“What happened?” Your heart races but you do your best to control your breathing. 

“He’s leaving me,” she sighs, picking up what looks to be someone's journal, “I heard him tell Tommy, that he has to leave me.” You frown at her. Joel hadn’t exactly been the cuddly type but he did care about Ellie, that had been obvious to you. “Maria told me something about him, something that makes sense-” 

“I wouldn’t listen to what Maria has to say about Joel, it seems to me she’s been listening to Tommy say some not-so-nice things about his brother.” Annoyance burns brightly in your gut that she’d dare poison Ellie against the man that had been keeping her safe. 

“No–I didn’t let her talk shit, I told her where to fucking go about that but–” A soft tap on the door pulls you out of the argument, Joel’s voice coming through before he opens the door. 

The familiar ‘Joel-frown’ is back in place as his gaze shifts from Ellie, to you, and back to her again.

“Listen-” He starts, but she doesn’t let him get very far.

“Why are you here?” The anger still burns on her face, but you know what’s really there. Sadness, fear, disappointment, you know because you’ve felt it all before.

“I came here to talk to you, both of you.”

“No, why are you still here? If you’re gonna ditch us then ditch us.” her eyes cast down as she speaks, looking without really seeing the journal in her hands. You see him let out a heavy sigh, resignation taking over. 

“What exactly did you hear?”

“‘I have to leave her, you have to take her’,” your eyebrows must have raised up into your hairline, Joel leaving Ellie had never crossed your mind, “You know I stuck up for you today because I thought-” She bit her lip, cutting off her own words.

“I made this decision for your own good. You’ll be way better off with Tommy, he knows the area better than I do-” He was floundering and it was as though you were listening to a stranger, his whole demeanour completely different from last night. 

“Do you give a shit about me or not?” Her voice rose, and your heart broke for her.

“Of course I do.” 

“Then what are you so afraid of? I’m not her, you know? Maria told me about Sarah-”

“Don’t.” The change in him was chilling, “Don’t say another word.” Seeing his eyes shift, the whole of him as cold as ice. 

“I’m sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I have lost people too.” And there it was. 

He’d had a daughter, and he’d lost her. This was it, the missing piece. It made so much sense, the cloud that followed him around, the loss that poisoned him to the world. It wasn’t just the terrible, awful, practically unbearable state of the world, it was his loss. 

“You have no idea what loss is.” His eyes hardened even more, and you understood why he would be upset. The loss of a child would definitely make anyone lose their minds, but Ellie wasn’t wrong. Everyone in this world knows what loss is.

“Everybody I have cared for has either died or left me. Everybody, fucking except for you!” She pushes him, her anger and hurt getting the best of her and you can’t help but move from your place on the couch to comfort her. “So don't tell me that I'd be safer with somebody else because the truth is I would just be more scared.” Your hand goes to her shoulder, letting her know you’re there for her. 

“You’re right. You aren’t my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad. Now come dawn, you and I go our separate ways-” Your hand flashes up without your permission, and cracks him clean across the face. It was too much for you to bear. 

“Enough! I am so sick and tired of this, and I am through with letting you act this way. You can’t keep living your life like this, Joel. Head down, barreling through like a juggernaut, cutting through everyone and everything, completely closed off to the world.” The hurt was sharp in your voice- “I can’t even begin to imagine how much losing your daughter must have hurt you, I wish it had never happened. I cannot take it away from you, neither of us can but we don’t deserve for you to treat us this way. Losing her doesn’t mean you can throw Ellie away.” His eyes flashed with something, a hurt so deep it was part of him, “Tomorrow, we’re going–whether it’s with you, or Tommy is up to you.” You turned from him then, gathering Ellie into your arms. You heard the door click, and then you and Ellie were alone. 

-

You spent the night with Ellie.

A soft knock sounded as you gathered the few things you had to take with you, both of you. Ellie opened the door to a very resigned Tommy standing at the door. 

“Y’all ready?” He spoke to both of you, the look on your face leaving no doubt as to whether Ellie would go alone or not.

“Yes, we’re good to go,” you reply and he nods once before leading the way out, “Come on Ellie.” You don’t look at the room across the hall, even as the outline of the door burns bright in your peripheral. That it was closed and he was probably asleep inside only filled your stomach with rocks, so you keep your eyes forward and ignore the feeling.

The morning is crisp enough to see your breath and it wreaths around your head like a halo as you all make your way towards the barn. Your anger with Joel is a simmering pot on the back burner, and that’s where it has to stay, there’s too much to focus on with Ellie to give it any attention. Tommy leads the way, bundled up with a rifle on his back and the anger you’re trying to tamp down finds its bullseye.

“How much shit did you talk about Joel, Tommy? Be honest.” He turns, his brow furrowed, “Must have been a lot, with the way Maria was eyeing him.”

“Yeah, not to mention giving me some bullshit warning about him not being who I thought he was.” Ellie chimes in, he lets out a deep sigh.

“You don’t understand, we did terrible things-“

“Yes, both of you, and you got to explain yourself. You’re letting your grievances with your brother colour the way people in this town view him. If he stays here, you’ve just made his life harder when you both did the same shit.” You round the corner, ducking into the barn to find the man you’re discussing, loading the horse's saddle with what looked to be supplies. You’re angry at him, at the cruel words he threw at Ellie, at the thought that after all of your confessions he might have let you go. It’s hard not to feel relief that he’s here though, ready to follow her, ready to follow you. 

“You came here to say goodbye or something?” Ellie’s voice is neutral, but the hurt simmers under the surface. 

“No, I came here to steal one of these horses.” He kicks at the ground, nervous.

“I woulda gave you one.” Tommy sighs, his frown still in place but now directed at Joel.

“I know. Anyway, that was thirty minutes ago, and I guess you deserve a choice. I still think you’d be better off with Tommy-“

“Let’s go.” She tosses her bag at him. Your lip curls without your permission, but you keep it to yourself.

“Okay.” He grunts out the word, but you can see he’s just as affected as you are. He turns, and speaks to Tommy while you and Ellie lead the horses out, letting them have a moment. 

“You okay?” Ellie’s eyes find yours at the sound of your words, and for a moment you see her age and it breaks your heart. Her eyes are wide, dark shadows underneath them, all of the stress and the weight of her lot in this life painted across her face, and still she smiles. 

“Fuck yeah, all good.” 

God, she’s just a kid. 

“Let’s get going.” Joel comes out, Tommy’s rifle on his back and his eyes are wild, darting between you and Ellie. His words still ring out in your ears, but so does the knowledge of his loss. It’s the Rosetta Stone, the why of all of his anger and hurt and reluctance to open up to anyone and anything coming into focus. 

There are two horses, and Ellie claims one right away, leaving you to share with Joel. He climbs up and swings his leg around, then holds out his hand to help you climb on, and wordlessly you take it. The horse is calm underneath you, for which you are grateful, even when you climb up, much less graceful than Joel and sit tucked into his back. 

The anger in you still burns bright. Too bright to say anything to him just yet, so you let it wash over you. Ignore the happy chant to have him there, to have his familiar, safe shape solid in front of you, and focus on not spooking the animal beneath you. 

Hours pass with small talk between Ellie and Joel, and silence from you. He doesn’t press, but his voice sounds lighter than it ever has with her. You let them have this conversation and bonding and you keep your mouth shut. He tests the waters though, your arms wrap around his waist, and every so often you feel him squeeze your hand or your knee. A silent olive branch, a request for connection and as much as you try to hold out and ignore him, punish him for his cruelty, you cannot help but give in. You press your lips to the little bit of skin exposed at the back of his neck. You can feel the way he melts, and part of you feels guilty for denying him for so long, but then his words come back and so does the anger. 

Ellie has gone ahead, just a little bit, close enough that he can keep an eye on her, but far enough away that he tries his luck with words. 

“It was bad wasn’t it?” He speaks over his shoulder, his words heavy with resignation.

“Real bad.”

He sighs, but says nothing else. You don’t expect an apology, and you don’t get one. It’s there though, the remorse, in his voice, threaded through the soft words and explanations he gives Ellie as the day goes by. He speaks to her of his life before, and it’s a marvel to hear him speak so much, he used to be a contractor. The shape of the word in your mouth feels familiar, one of those words adults used to say but there’s no reference for it in your memory. She is happy, that is all that matters.

When you stop to camp, it’s in a densely populated forest, eerily quiet but good enough. The land is far enough away from any QZ to be free of infected, but they aren’t the biggest worry. He sets up camp, a couple of sleeping bags all piled together.

“Sleep, both of you, I’ll take first watch.” It doesn’t take much convincing on your part, and for once, Ellie doesn’t grumble, she yawns hard enough to tremble and gets into the sleeping bag without comment. You want to give him something, a promise that you’ll discuss what you both know you need to discuss but he shakes his head when your eyes meet. “Sleep, Sunny, you need your rest.”

You nod, and sleep claims you, quick as falling.

You wake with a gasp. 

“You’re okay.” He’s sitting on a fallen log, watching the surrounding darkness. Full consciousness creeps in, and awareness calms the anxiety of whatever nightmare that had spilled over. Even the horses are calm, no immediate danger threatening, but there’s no way you’re going back to sleep. 

“I’m up now. Here, give me the gun, you should get some shut-eye.” You stretch for a moment, before getting up. At this point, he knows you better than to argue, and so as much as he wants to keep watch, he gets up with a groan, and climbs into the sleeping bag still permeated with your body heat. The brief spark of warmth and comfort that was born of your new found intimacy with him, although still there, is obscured by the things you know you need to discuss, but it won’t be tonight. He knows it too, and so you keep watch, and when the morning comes, you all set out again. 

-

Days pass, and you travel in peace. The days are cold but clear, and he surprises you even more. He teaches Ellie to shoot, instructs her on how to load and reload the rifle, how to aim and even lets her keep a pistol and you can see the father so clearly in him. He notices your quiet withdrawal, and he lets you have your silence, but it doesn’t last.

Three nights into your trek, he finally breaks the silence. 

You feel him slip into the sleeping bag behind you, the night is colder than you expected and his warmth is welcome, even if your heart is still hurt. You’d found a small copse of trees, hidden enough that you could all sleep relatively calmly.

“Sunny.” It’s just above a whisper,  “How long you gonna punish me?” His breath tickles the little hairs at the back of your neck, raising goosebumps in its wake. You sigh.

“I’m not punishing you Joel.” His hand slips around your waist.

“You’re angry at me, I can feel it.” He presses his lips to the skin just below your ear, soft and sweet and your eyes close at the feel of it, you turn towards him. 

“I’m hurt,” he pulls you close enough to tangle his legs with yours, “Not just for what you said to Ellie, but for what happened to you.” You felt the clench in his jaw, felt how his body tensed. “I’m not trying to pry into your past Joel, I don’t want to open old wounds and make you relive anything, but I’ve been with the two of you long enough to see the bond. That girl-” you gestured to Ellie’s sleeping form near the horses, “-sees you as a father. You’re all she has, and you were ready to drop her.” 

“I know.” He pressed his forehead to yours, the tension going out of him like a balloon deflating. “It’s why I didn’t think I could do this, I am scared that I won’t be able to protect her, if she got hurt on my watch I couldn’t forgive myself.” All of a sudden you felt stupid, his anger and lashing out at her was a way to protect her, it didn’t excuse it, but it definitely explained it. “I don’t think she heard my whole conversation with Tommy, I was tellin’ him how scared I am.” 

“She needs you around, she needs to know you aren’t going to abandon her.” You can’t help but bring your hands to his face, comfort him. “We need you, I need you, I don’t want you to leave me behind either.” The little part of yourself that you’d been stomping down reared its head. “I’m sorry I slapped you, I shouldn’t have done that.” He shakes his head, dismissing your apology. 

“I won’t leave you behind. I meant it when I said I needed you to be patient with me.” He presses his lips to your hand, then to your lips, an apology and a promise and you clutch to it, despite the fear that permeates every aspect of the world. You don’t say anything more, trusting that when he's ready, he’ll tell you about his loss.

-

The university is a massive, rundown building, eerily quiet, without many signs of life. 

“No fireflies.” Ellie points out when you stop just in front of an overturned car.

“Probably in the middle, safer.” Joel leads the way, and the three of you continue throughout the grounds. He answers Ellie’s questions about University life, about anything and everything she can think of while you focus on your surroundings. The quiet irks you.

Monkeys roam the campus the closer you get to the building, and she’s excited to see them, you’re a little more wary but they scatter at the sound of you approaching.

“Lookit.” He points to a sign, a bright firefly symbol spray-painted onto it.

“Here we go.” She sounds a lot braver than she looks, her expression matches yours. This whole place was creepy, and your stomach roiled the closer you got to the entrance of the building. The sound of the horses' hooves clicking onto the pavement echo around you as you approach, guard houses sit unmanned just outside the door, and your stomach drops further. 

“Guard houses.” Joel voices your thoughts. 

“No guards.” You reply, and the mood sours further. “Let’s tie the horses, and continue on foot.” You gesture to a tree and they both nod in agreement. With them taken care of, you make your way inside. 

“Gun?” Ellie looks to Joel, and he nods, she takes out the pistol he’d trusted her with, his rifle at the ready and you follow close behind him, no weapon, but eyes sharp.

The inside is abandoned, but there is a mess of tables, discarded equipment and supplies left behind. 

“There were definitely doctors here.” She rifles through a stack of old gauze, gloves and other things littering the tables, pulling a list from under an empty box.

“This is a packing list,” Joel takes the list from her, “Something you make before moving.” There’s a distinct lack of dust and dirt blown in on the mess left behind you cannot help but focus on.

“Looks like they just left-” Something crashes above, movement in one of the higher floors interrupting your sentence, “maybe not all of them.” You move as one, slowly and quietly following the source of the noise, your heart races, scared of who or what you might find here. Joel leads the way, his rifle at the ready, Ellie brings up the rear, gun in her hands and pointed down like he’d taught her. The place looks more like an abandoned hospital than a school. There are carts knocked over, hospital beds and IV bags still hooked up to the poles littering the hallways. 

He counts down silently, hand just hovering over the door containing the source, and then opens it. A monkey shrieks, and seeing you jumps out the open window. You let out a heavy breath. 

“Well, at least it ain’t clickers.” Joel’s tone is as relieved as you feel. 

“Yeah, no fireflies either. Maybe in all that research they turned into fucking monkeys!” He frowns at her, there’s a disappointment heavy in the air. So much travelling, just to come up empty. There’s a giant map in the middle of the room though. You make your way over to it, there are different colour pins all leading up to one place, Salt Lake City, Utah.

“That’s where they went?” She’s staring at the map beside you. 

“All the pins lead there.” You press your finger to the spot on the map, Joel is beside you, all three of you studying it. 

“Maybe they were getting ahead of the weather? Better facilities? I don’t know.” He frowns, letting out a breath but you hear it, people talking outside the window. You shush them, gesturing to the window but they hear it now too. Your heart jackhammers in your chest, any and all peace you’d found from finding this place empty is gone. 

Quietly you all move closer and peek out the window, and see four men walking past, they hold crowbars, and baseball bats and it’s obvious they’re raiders. 

“Out the back.” Joel whispers, and then the three of you take off. Within a few tense minutes, you’re all back outside, ducking behind piled up sandbags to make sure you don’t encounter anyone. With the coast clear, you all run towards the horses. Ellie climbs up onto hers, and you climb onto the one you share with Joel while he unties them. 

“Joel!” Ellie screams, one man has followed, baseball bat high in the air but Joel turns in time and ducks out of the way, the bat swings hard, hitting the tree and shatters. Ellie holds up her arm, aiming the gun but they move too erratically. 

“Wait Ellie! You might shoot Joel–” She puts it down, he doesn’t need help, they grapple and slam against the tree but then Joel has wrapped his arm around the man's neck, and with a sickening crunch, he falls. When Joel turns, your stomach drops. 

He looks down, and the butt of the broken bat is sticking out of his lower abdomen. He takes a deep breath, and pulls it out and a wave of nausea hits you to see at least three inches of wood come out, his blood pulsing between his fingers. 

“Joel–get on the horse!” You scream out to him, seeing the others spotting you and running full speed. He struggles, but climbs up with a pained yell, swinging his leg over and managing to get in front of you. 

“Get back!” Ellie follows behind, shooting at them when they get too close, with the frosty wind whipping at your face you get away. The horses gallop across the grounds and away, your grip on Joel is iron.

You know that going so fast is only hurting him but you have to get far enough away that they won’t follow. 

“They don’t seem to be following us, I think we’re safe.” Ellie calls out behind you and you’re glad she’s keeping an eye on your back, because you cannot focus on anything other than Joel’s weakening grip on the reins. 

“Joely, baby you have to hold on, please–” He teeters, swaying like a boat in choppy waters and you feel the way he cannot hold himself up anymore. “Joel-Joel!” He topples off the horse and into a pile of snow despite your best efforts, he's so pale you can barely contain the tears that flow freely down your face. “Joel, please, please wake up, we need you to wake up.” You slap at his face, but he doesn’t stir. Ellie is off her horse and kneeling beside you, trying to aid in waking him but she’s as unsuccessful as you are. She presses his hands as well as hers to where the blood pulses out of him slowly. 

“Joel, open your eyes.” You stare at him while she speaks, pressing your hand to his face, “I can’t fucking do this without you, I don’t know where the fuck I’m going, or what the fuck I’m going to do, we need you Joel please, get up.” Tears stream down her face and it hits you then. You’ve cursed him, this is what comes from loving another person. 

There’s no time, you have to move him. 

“Let’s get him somewhere safe, Ellie, one of those houses.” You gesture to a residential area not far from where he fell. There’s no way you can carry him, instead you look for something to put him on that you can drag like a sled. You send Ellie to look, warning her to be careful and to keep her gun out and she comes back with a wide mat, almost like a big dog bed and it’s perfect. You shuffle him onto it, and tie the mat to the back of one of the horses, pulling him towards one of the houses. 

It takes so long to get him into the basement. By the time you’ve piled a stained mattress and musty blankets and laid him on it, your skin is slick with frozen sweat, your breath comes out in pants, exhausted with the effort. There had been an old towel in one of the bathrooms of the house, Ellie had grabbed it while you wrestled him to where he lay. Once settled, you ripped it up, and moved his shirt to press it to the wound, barely looking at it. You had to stop the bleeding, if he kept bleeding he’d die. 

“What are we going to do?” She watches, terrified. 

“I don’t know.” You want to comfort her, but you cannot stop swallowing the lump in your throat. You both stay quiet for a while after that, focused on his breathing. 

It’s because I love him

The thought squeezes your heart like a vice, the curse of you fills your head, overtaking every thought. This is what happens when you love another person, the black hole has taken him just like it took your parents, just like it took Johnny and there is nothing to be gained but misery and heartache. The black pit of your love is full of emptiness and all you’d done was sentence him to death. You should have just let them leave, given them your supplies and stayed in your trailer. 

Tears stream steadily down your face, hoping against hope that he’ll wake up, that the wound will close, that nothing inside had been too badly damaged. You hoped you’d wake up back in that bed in Jackson, that this was all just some horrible nightmare and that he’d be there, rubbing your back. You didn’t wake up though, and he lay there motionless while you cried, breathing shallow enough to fill your stomach with nothing but dread and nausea and regret and every other horrible thing you’ve felt since this world went to shit. 

You move the towel after a while, to see how bad the damage actually is and your body tenses, it’s angry and red and still blood pulses out, his skin shredded where the sharp wood had pierced him.

“We need to close it, we should see if we can find a needle and thread.” You speak to her, but she watches him, his eyes are open, and there is nothing but naked fear in them. He groans and grabs at your arm hard enough to bruise when you press the towel back to the wound. 

“Go.” He grits it out, at both of you. She puts her hands on yours, helping to staunch the blood. “Go, leave, take the gun.” He repeats it. 

“Shut up, shut the fuck up Joel!” She all but screams at him but he grabs her by the jacket, pulling her close. 

“You go.” He doesn’t relent, “You go. You go north, go to tommy.” He shivers, speaking the words clearly and when he pushes her back, she stumbles, staring at him in disbelief. His eyes find yours, and he repeats himself. “Leave.” He does not expect to survive, and all at once you are angry with him, angry with yourself for ever having opened your heart, angry at the world for your lot in life. His eyes find yours then, tears slowly streaming from them, the same anger burning in your chest shining out through his eyes. 

You wipe at your eyes, and rise. Leaving him there, as you make your way up the stairs, and out of the basement. 

She catches up to you in the kitchen. 

“Are we really leaving him?” 

“No. I’m looking for something to stitch him up, but if you want to go find Tommy I won’t stop you, you can shoot, and he’s taught you how to keep watch and find safe places to sleep. You can take all of the supplies–” You open cupboards, pulling them off the hinges in your haste and spilling drawers in the pursuit of something, anything to help him. 

“I’m not leaving either.” She moves, and helps you search. 

—

Tag list: @frannyzooey @greeneyedblondie44 @lola4pedro @221bshrlocked @artsymaddie @supernaturalgirl20 @sleep-tight1 @sherala007 @cannedsoupsucks @thirstworldproblemss @ilikechocolatemilkh @freeshavocadoooo @hrk-fic-recs @maxwell--lord @the-feckless-wonder @kirsteng42 @thisshipwillsail316 @feministfanboi  @stevie75 @readsalot73 @pedrostories @tobealostwanderer @mandocrasis @elegantduckturtle @diogodxlot @alczysz17 @evyiione @absurdthirst @beskarboobs @andruxx @littlemissoblivious @1800-fight-me @maievdenoir @gracie7209 @omlwhatamidoinghere @magikfanatic @frankiecatfish @pedritoispunk @studythoreauly @missswriter @pintsizemama @mswarriorbabe80 @a-trial-run-on-paper @la-le-lu @chickadee-djarin @dobbyjen @rosiefridayrogersunday @ajeff855 @johnsrevelation @the-witty-pen-name @zombiesnips-blog @sarahjkl82-blog @fan-of-encouragement @queenofthecloudss @deadhumourist @felicisimor @toomanystoriessolittletime @what-iwish-you-knew @pedrostories @athalien @bi-thewayy @literallydontlook @pedrosbrat @gamingaquarius @localddreamers @luxmundee @iamafadedmoon @nakhudanyx @littlemisspascal @grogusmum @recklessworry @heyitmelexie @killyspinacoladas @gothicxbarbie @evildxad @dragonslarimar @spideysimpossiblegirl @chemtrail-mix @breezythesimp @altarsw @artooies-scream @staygolddindjarin @softsweetedbeauty @littlemisspascal @yuiopiklmn @squidwell @just-blogging-around @bbyanarchist @girlofchaos @maddiedrmr @frasmotic @acourtofsnakes @buckybarneshairpullingkink @astoryisaloveaffair @harriedandharassed  @shirks-all-responsibilities @androah @alwaysachorusgirl @dindjarinsmut @captain-jebi @gallowsjoker @tusk89 @dadbodfanatic-x @naiomiwinchester @blazedprince @avidreader73 @mr-underhills-things @avengersfan25 @tastygoldentaters @nyotamalfoy @mymindfuckery @its-nebuleuse @missladym1981 @inept-the-magnificent @yesjazzywazzylove-blog @ladyofmidlo72 @greenvita @honey-on-your-tongue

[generalluxun]

I hope you know that I don't take issue with you criticizing Miraculous on principal and that I've long learned that one fan's treasure is another fan's trash. Nobody need to like something completely and if asked, I'll probably rattle off on my own list of things I felt Miraculous could have handled better.

I guess... part of it comes from how there's a lot of negativity around Miraculous and, while they are entitled to express that, there's not enough for my side of "I love it overall, wart and all." Part of this is likely YouTube and Reddit promoting what happens to get the most clicks.

Hell, Tumblr reccommended that post to me when I was editing a Miraculous post for correcting. You know, in that corner where nine posts they think you'll like show up? I just have horrible practice when it comes to walking away because it eats at me that I'm letting somebody go uncontested in this age of poor media literacy (again, not trying to accuse you of anything).

What I'm trying to say is... I had you all wrong. I might not get your "potential" standpoint because Miraculous hasn't missed its potential for me but I'm not you. And I shouldn't have to be.

I... hope this rambling is coherent enough. I really don't want to offend anybody.

EDIT:Just added the readmore because the post was so long. Hey, Thanks for reaching out. That takes a lot. I appreciate it. In the spirit of sharing I'll run by exactly where the show 'missed the mark' for me. The first is just a 'potential' argument, and the others are sort of a chain of similar-and-escalating choices that... I don't know. They're not good. They hint at something just.. wrong I guess? In the writing room. I don't understand the choices, and I hope they're corrected. They *matter* in my opinion.

The first one (the potential argument) comes at the end of S2/Beginning of S3. The OG5 heroes they had there were SUCH a good setup. Nino, Alya, Marinette, Adrien, and Chloe.

Nino&Alya=Established couple who know each other's IDs

Adrien and Marinette=the promised couple, don't know each other's IDs.

Adrien&Chloe Childhood friends

Marinette&Chloe rivals (light bulling as of S2 but really nothing like the S5 retcon would have us believe at this point)

Chloe->Ladybug fangirl

Everyone knows Choe's ID, she doesn't know Anyone's ID

Alya-> Thinks for herself, yet very loyal.

There's just so many angles and storylines in JUST those 5. You could have never once touched the secondary heroes and you could have feasted on that. I'd say Kagami and Luka just because of how important they are on the civilian side could have been part timers, but yeah. The rest? I don't hate the class, they're fun! But you're stretched so thin trying to cover so many heroes that you don't get to really dig and explore. I've seen the other heroes called 'Marinette's pokemon' and it's kind of true, sadly. S4 was a parade of one hit wonders, they even had to stuff 4 into the final one! You could have tackled all the powers with fusions and let the other civilians be cool civilians. It'd make the 'Resistance' in S5 all the more interesting.

That's not to say there's nothing good about how it was done or it's the worst ever for not sticking with the sentai format. It's just a choice that's indicative of the surface level skimming. And it's got us in S6 with a 16(?)v1 scenario which is.... really low stakes as far as these things go. Yes they can course correct it somehow, but they *already* had to do that in S5. so having to do it again... you see how it was a setup for problems.

That honestly would have been all well and fine if the show hadn't gone as it did down another path. This is a 'Please read to the end' because there are a lot of takes on this and I'd rather not be lumped in with some of them.

It started with how Chloé was handled, is bad *for the audience of children watching the show*, and I have a very real problem with that.

Chloé is an abused child. Full stop. There is no arguing this. Neglect, verbal and emotional abuse. Not just from Audrey. It's on screen. People with actual degrees in the fandom have chimed in on this.

They didn't *have* to make her an abused child. I'm not sure they *intended* to do it. t is what they put up on the screen for eyes to see though.

Once you put an abused child on screen. It is my belief that you have an obligation as someone writing children's programing for children to see, to be sure that child's abuse is A)recognized in-universe and B)shown to get help.

This doesn't mean Chloé needed to be a hero, or even liked by her peers. She's just a classic example of a child who responds with anger instead of sadness. She's a 'bad victim' and bad victim kids are often overlooked because they DO tend to bully their peers(they can't fight back against adults so they pick on those they can) The message *needs* to be 'You too can get help' for any in the audience who identify with her, not 'You're just bad, oh well.'

The sow had Marinette push Chloe to act more like Audrey (Queen Wasp ending) which- is actually a perfectly reasonable mistake for Marinette who grew up in a loving household! But it was never revisited, it's basically ignored. yet, pushing a child back int the abuser's care, showing her that she might gain affection by emulating her mother *even harder*? ooof.

Strip away liking or hating Chloe when you think about this, and liking or hating Marinette. Just think about this in broad 'That's a child' terms.

The S3 fall- not terrible honestly! The finale even seems like it gets it. Master Fu's voiceover says 'Some lose hope' when they're showing Chloé. *lose hope* that's not someone gleefully embracing evil, that's a tragic oversight. The show actively built up that Gabriel and Nathalie -along with Lila- deliberately targeted and isolated Chloé. That's horrific, and you can have a payoff from that!

But- there was nothing. The kid manipulated by the two grown adult villains is just 'a villain' from then on. No consideration, no hints, just evil and evil, framed as the worst, we even added a whole 'Was here all along honest' character and retconned some very specific things to make her more eviler! It goes on right up to the point where her own father throws her to the abusive woman that *he a grown man* is divorcing. Let that sink in. He won't stay with Audrey because he knows how she is, but he's quite willing to throw his daughter away to her rather than take responsibility for the child he raised(badly) and try to fix it.

Which leads into the not-Chloe parts of things that as I said go kind of hand in hand. S5 went on a binge of very sudden and questionable 'redemptions' Every crappy dad out there got one. (plus two honorable mentions)

Jagged? He at least was *only* a deadbeat who left his kids alone despite living in the same city for 15 years... and he's the best of them!

Felix!-No he's not a dad, but we had such a very weird 180 on him. He shows up, is cruel to Adrien, tries to force himself on Ladybug, and is shown to be an all around heel. Gabriel Agreste(the episode) continues this, and then in Strike Back he passes ALL the miraculous and Adrien's amok to Gabriel without a care in the world. 2/4 of a seaon later he tries to wipe out humanity. As an excuse we get hints about his dad. Then right before the end we find out his backstory is basically Adrien's backstory with enough changed that they hope the teacher won't notice. One kidnapping later, he's one of the good guys now! He's just a little guy! Poof! Kagami, the girl who THRIVES on honesty, just kinda is like 'nah, everything is cool, and spills LB's secret to him.' It's s weird. This coming from someone who clocked Felgami from the moment they had the side-eye in Gabriel Agreste. I figured a well executed enemies/rivals to lovers though, not.... whatever this mess is. The only saving grace of canon Felgami is that there is no excuse against Lukloé now. Felgami is literally 'She'll fix him.' 🤣 (note: Even though they basically had Felix's abuse-photocopy-backstory off screen, I would still want him to get *help* for it too. all abused kids need to bee shown getting help. Kids need to see there is help to be had. Help doesn't generally look like 'Free girlfriend and Miraculous' though.)

Nathalié-This is probably the least-problematic after Jagged, but we do still have the fact that Nathalie already murdered one Senti-being wiht free will, and arranged for Fei to be an orphan again. (She knew exactly who Cash was when she hired him). We needed a bit more than a last second gasp to sell this one. On her own I don't think this would stand out as much, but it's just one more in a line of 'Redeem everyone but that one blonde girl' choices.

André! The guy who raised Chloé. The one who *showed her how to cheat, steal, and abuse power* Twice in the series she even explicitly states she learned what she does watching him. We've seen this guy, a grown man, bully and abuse his power, engage in corruption, and it's stated this is how he's been his whole career. But oh no, he's actually just a sad little guy who wanted to make movies. It's all his *daughter's* fault! she's so heartless. She sprang from Audrey and started controlling the happless *grown man* before she could even walk.... or something.

And then after André's supposed redemption, we have him run from all responsibility as a father, and steal Zoé apparently? (S4 indicates Mr. Lee is alive and involved in Zoé's life. I'm pretty sure that Andre did something wildly illegal there. 🤣)

And then Gabe! What a kick in the teeth there eh? Now this one does take some outside-of-show information, but not Twitter. The writers did an actual commentary on the finalé explaining their intent. That was a redemption for Gabriel. The light is him ascending into heaven with Emilie, That was supposed to be Ladybug 'winning'. They legitimately believed the 'All the times I tried to be a good father' was warranted. I think they *thought* they were writing Movie!Gabe, and just missed the mark so hard.

That ties back into Adrien's abuse, which was also pretty obvious all throughout the show. More people care, because Adrien is a 'good victim' (sad and meek) so they take pity. Yet- The writing team doesn't seem to really *see* it as abuse. Gabriel just *really* loved his family and was *misguided*. And... yeah....

With all that having happened. This whole 'Marinette keeping the truth from Adrien' plotline just feels so icky. The boy has had no agency. He's got literally control rings. He's been lied to his whole life. Now his girlfriend, Ladybug, Marinette, the show's actual protagonist is lying to him.

There's so little hope they'll handle it well, considering *waves to the previous paragraphs*. Revelator and Alya's anger is the tiniest glimmer of hope that *maybe* with the end of the contract at the end of S5, there's a different set of priorities. It's just worrying, and why every time this specific thing comes up, I have concerns.

The writing room has shown they're shockingly insensitive to the topics they toy with. They can do lighter-side stuff just fine! But when it hits something heavy... oof.

Child abuse is a Very Big Deal for me. I'm a survivor myself. My own went under the radar, which is why *recognizing it in all it's forms* is extremely important to me.

Again-ML never had to do anything with this, but they *chose* to put it in, and once it's in, feel they had an obligation to handle it well. That's an obligation I don't feel like they've met. It's also not something that will improve if those who do see it just go silent and ignore it.

Silence and ignoring is exactly how abuse thrives.

If you're interested I could go into more detail on some of the specific examples of on-screen abuse elements that are present. I knw I left stuff out. In some cases it's so strange because you *think* they must be aware, but if they are then how could they just leave it unaddressed?

I'd love to get answers, but that's not an option.

Well, I bet this answer was more than you bargained for! Maybe it'll provide some clarity as to where the harshness comes in. To be clear, I really want Miraculous to be *better*, not to die. want it to address the abuse it's already displayed in a reasonable way. Once that's done, the hackles will go way back down.

If I lose any and all hope it ever will be addressed, then I'll probably walk away and just warn other parents off the show.

[brw]

From The Ashes, a ranking;

I'm bored and sick so thought I'd do my own little ranking of the From The Ashes books, because I've read basically all of them? I think I'm missing a few so I'll put those at the bottom without rankings because it would be unfair to judge them based on nothing.

Storm → great writing, great art, commentary on Krakoa and framing of it that I find very interesting, a series that absolutely deserves to go for as long as it needs to for Ayodele to tell his story.

Exceptional X-Men → honestly I could swap this with Storm and be just as happy. Absolutely great takes on Kitty and Emma that are definitely needed after how weird Krakoa was for both of them, and I LOVE the new kids she's introduced. Bronze especially is a little ray of sunshine, I love her.

X-Men → Pretty good! I've been enjoying reading it and it's clear MacKay has done his homework. Definitely a Cyclops book, which isn't my thing but his Scott is good enough that I don't complain about it, either. A strong flagship title for the current X-Men era, and I really like how he's set up the characters, albeit maybe has a bit of a bloated supporting cast.

Psylocke → I've been really enjoying this so far! Very nice art, I love all the work Wong does to flesh out her backstory and give her an unique antagonist, give her more of a supporting cast, I hope this run gets a full run because I think it's very deserving of it!

Mystique → I fucked with this. Don't want to spoil too much for anyone who hasn't read it but it's a great murder mystery vibe, I loved following the story and trying to guess what would happen in the next issue, and the twists were generally very well executed! Another very fun mini to look into, I had a good time reading it!

Sentinels → I wasn't expecting to like this so much but I really do! I enjoyed the narratives of disability in it, and I think it's an interesting mini that I hope will be built upon more later down the line.

Magik → Getting into the Meh category for me here, but if I was a big Magik fan I imagine it would be higher. As it is, it's alright; hasn't really grabbed me or inspired me to get into Magik more, which I think a solo should generally strive to do? But I like the way the magic plot and use differentiates it from Psylocke and Laura Kinney Wolverine, and the Darkchylde as almost an altar or something is very interesting to me.

Laura Kinney: Wolverine → Made completely redundant to be honest by the existence of Psylocke, a more interesting and frankly more necessary project than this book is. Other than being too similar, it's just solidly mid, but I wouldn't say it's bad, just kneecapped by being too similar to a better project coming out at the same time.

X-Factor → It's not particularly offensive, albeit I'm not a massive fan of any of the characters so if I was more invested I'd probably be more upset. The commentary isn't really well thought out, but it isn't offensive in the way NYX is. Solidly in the Meh category. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but it hasn't harmed me personally.

Dazzler → Just kind of embarrassing and woefully mediocre, don't really have anything substantial to say because it wasn't a substantial comic. Mid!

Uncanny X-Men → Not Good. Granted, I'm aware if I was a Rogue and Gambit fan, I'd probably like it more; as it is, it feels like a book made for X-Men '97 fans scared of comics, and not comic fans. Which wouldn't necessarily be a problem, if those 4 kids weren't so annoying, and more specifically, if Simone didn't clearly like the weird racist horse girl who stopped being racist immediately after Gambit told her to stop it the most. The nicknames I find incredibly grating and annoying, and the pacing is just bizarre. Rogue looks anywhere between incompetent and insane, and having a female villain's tragic origin be that she didn't have Charles' baby or whatever is such a choice. I don't like this book, BUT I concede a lot of my gripes are personal related to my dislike of the kids, and I see why RogueGambit fans like it.

X-Force → I actually stopped reading this after the first arc and first issue of the second arc, because it was one of the worst, most uncomfortably ableist things I've ever had to read. Genuinely upset me on a very deep, fundamental level, and I do not understand how on earth having a bunch of heroes beat up an autistic person made it past however many editors it takes to put these things on page. Awful book, needs to be canned and forgotten forever, but at least Forge looks hot I guess.

NYX → There's a lot that you can say about this book, but I think more than anything else, giving Kamala Khan, a very genuine contender for the most beloved Muslim character in pop culture, an evil racist terrorist cousin who tries to blow up a community center is one of the single most egregious things to ever be written, and it's cancellation is a net gain. Horrible book.

DID NOT READ HALL OF SHAME

Phoenix, Wolverine, Rogue: The Savage Land, Cable: Love and Chrome

Maybe these books are good, but none of them inspired me to go pick them up, so I won't include them.

So, yeah. I wanted to share my thoughts now that I think we're 10 months or so in to From the Ashes. While I do think there are a lot of complaints that can be made regarding bloat, redundant titles, unnecessary books, etc, there's also some really good and interesting titles as part of this launch, which I hope continue to grow as this era continues!

[elkian]

Deltarune chapter 4 spoilers

So I haven't finished chapter 4 yet but I'm really emotional about Susie so I'm making this post.

Susie's transformation from "mean kid too cool for school" to her current state is so amazing because she hasn't fundamentally really changed so much as she's been given space to be vulnerable in ways that weren't safe for her before. (The same is true for Ralsei, come to think of it. Cinematic parallels.)

She's had to move over and over so even when she managed to make friends she had to leave them behind almost immediately, and more often people treated her as scary and only got close to her as a joke, which, felt. Her confession about that and her ability to relate it to someone else's problems was unexpected but really emotional.

And in only a couple of days she's opened up to an incredible degree, and especially I'm thinking about Susie in her friends' rooms. Susie takes the time, after protesting, to help Kris clean up a stain on their floor. Susie snatches an award from Asriel's side of the room and pastes it on Kris' because she's affronted by the lack. "Award for knowing Susie" is one of those things that sounds like a joke but is all the more meaningful for being real, because that IS what it is once she puts it up.

Susie is upset by Ralsei's empty room and immediately jumps to rectify it; Susie spends time during your fraught, dangerous adventure scouting out and picking up new furniture for him.

And I have to wonder what Susie's Light World Room looks like. If there's... anything at all, in there. The way she's constantly hungry, wears torn jeans, and talks about playing games from the lost-and-found really makes me think her financial situation isn't great. Toriel is one of the only adults she really talks about (in glowing terms, for a single moment of care). I've read her that way from the start and haven't really gotten any contrasting info since, only supportive. Susie's family life, whatever the case may be, doesn't seem great.

(Apparently she might be related to Gerson but shhh I haven't gotten that far.)

Susie's Friendship Arc with Lancer is my favorite part of chapter 1 by far, and I love that it's continued moving forward. Each chapter, she becomes more open, more connected, making more friends and expressing more emotion. Her and Noelle chilling in Noelle's house (which, given Susie's probable life situation, the contrast with Noelle growing up fairly privileged is interesting) is absolutely delightful and I'm sad we had to interrupt it.

Susie gets embarrassed and defensive easily early on - she reminds me of a lot of Undertale Undyne in a myriad of ways. Both are (eventually, in Susie's case) willing to display affection without regret.

Honestly, it's kind of painful to see how easily and quickly Susie becomes someone who's quick to help and deeply affectionate in her own way, because it means she was always like that, she just never had the environment where she could express it. It makes the whole Kris situation (more on that once I get much, much more info) give me some dread, because it's dubious if Susie really KNOWS Kris whatsoever, and I hate the idea that she's going to find out that one of her first ever friends never really interacted with her on their own. On the upside, if that is going to happen, it's going to be at a point where Susie has made other friends in Lancer, Ralsei, Noelle, and hopefully more, so at least she won't be left alone if things break that badly.

(I also like how Noelle is becoming more assertive in parallel with Susie becoming more open, they help and balance each other in a really fun way.)

Also there's the whole thing with her getting mad at Ralsei for not treating himself as a real person but I suspect we're going to see much more of that so I'll check back in later.

Idk, just... it's a concept that's been done before, dozens of times, but something about the way Deltarune is telling the story feels new and more impactful. I'd love it anyways but it really feels like this side Susie has always existed, it really feels like she's growing more confident in expressing herself than Learning To Care, I dunno. She has a lot of empathy and a lot of sympathy and a lot of compassion for others tucked behind a hardened shell of self-protection. I think part of is that she didn't wait until she was REALLY, super safe, she's been bursting to show this side of herself from the beginning. She wants to care so fucking badly and so rarely has the opportunity to do so without getting hurt! Fuck!!!!

[jjs-brainrot]

So I've finally read How Do We Relationship? by Tamifull

(spoilers for up to chapter 121 ahead)

What exactly is a relationship? Is it some natural part of the human experience where you pick a life partner? is it a social contract between individuals to ensure exclusive romantic and sexual feelings between each other? Is sex a requirement for a relationship? Is romance even?

I don't know to be honest. What I do know is this: How Do We Relationship? by Tamifull hit me like a truck and then backed up over the corpse.

It might be one of the most nuanced, unflinching and uncompromising works about understanding relationships I've read. I think, in general, a lot of romance fiction feels overly wishful. While I can certainly appreciate a good gushy and feel good romance, it kinda gets tiresome seeing the same "will they, won't they (they will eventually)" and "love at first sight (it works out even though they literally have no chemistry)" stories regurgitated over and over again.

So much of it just feels too fake for me. Like I'm not watching two characters come to understand and fall for each other, I'm watching two halves of a couple who only exist to be a couple. Chemistry? Completely optional! Hardships? Temporary and will only make them love each other more afterwards. Break ups? Reserved exclusively as a failure state or for purely abusive relationships…

What sets How Do We Relationship? apart from its peers is its commitment to understanding its characters as people rather than archetypes. People who each have their own wants, fears, feelings towards sex and romance and most importantly: their own personal definition of what a relationship should be. People who when confronted with each other think they understand how everything should go, only to find out that the other person has a completely different understanding that doesn't fully jive with theirs.

The only yuri series I can think of that does something similar is Yuri is My Job! by Miman. Yuri is My Job! focuses heavily on the idea of fake relationships in Class S stories with it frequently asking "what actually makes something a relationship?"

A lot of Yuri is My Job! is primarily a critique on Class S stories first (possibly also a direct refutation of Maria Watches Over Us… I still need to watch MariMite so I can't say for certain) with a lot of its characters being subversions of classic Class S archetypes. So a lot of its dissections of relationships are done in the context of Class S stories.

That being said, seeing a series directly refuting the idea of a relationship being static and instead coming to the conclusion that the only ones that can decide what a relationship is are the people involved? That stuck with me. How Do We Relationship? is far a more focused dissection of what it means to be in a relationship, or at least, what means for its particularly cast of characters.

Take, for instances, our two main characters: Miwa and Saeko

Miwa and Saeko start out as friends, but after coming out to each other and finding out they're both lesbians, they decide on a whim to date. At first glance, they seem like the perfect couple! After all, they bounce off of each other's personalities really well, enjoy each other's company (both out and about and in the bedroom) and in general seem to care for each other quite deeply. They were made for each other, right? Well, no.

They're both individuals with vastly different personalities, experiences and feelings from each other. Over time they begin to see things in their relationship that bother them. Mostly little things here and there. Nothing they want to start a fight over or strain their relationship over at first but… Small wounds still fester. It eventually finally comes to a head a little bit after Miwa visits her old crush in a high school reunion. It's very clear to both Saeko and Miwa that she hasn't actually gotten over her past feelings for her high school crush. What's more clear to Saeko is that Miwa doesn't feel the same level of love for her and she does for Miwa. Eventually they just… break up and go back to being friends.

In most romance stories, a break up is regularly seen as either the ultimate failure state for a relationship, a temporary set back for a relationship to overcome or purely as an escape valve from an abusive or just kind of shit relationship. The reality is that there many different reasons for a relationship to end.

Could Miwa and Saeko have worked it out? With the path they were heading down, no. Neither of them were willing to fully open up about their problems as both feared hurting the other. Which just ended up with them hurting each other even more. If they had continued the course, their break up might have been far more painful and resulted in them not being able to be friends any more.

And they do get to go back to being friends even after being exes!

I think back to my aunt who divorced her husband several decades ago. They ended their relationship but decided to remain close in part for their daughter's benefit. Over the years they've remained close friends and have gone back to living with each other as well. There's no hard rule that becoming exes means you have to fully cut each other off if that's not what you both want. Certainly there might still be mixed feelings between you both (Miwa and Saeko's relationship as friends certainly takes some huge bumps after they break up), but you shouldn't follow along with what society expects from you both in a relationship versus what you both want from YOUR relationship.

And that right there is Tamifull's thesis statement with How Do We Relationship?: don't determine how your life and relationships should be based on what society expects them to be.

Tamifull doesn't hold back anything when it comes to depicting how society treats relationships in general but also how it treats gay people in specific. While the physical danger of homophobia is always a constant that makes many queer people not want to be open with their queerness, being constantly other-ed in most social situations (whether intentionally or not) can frequently be reason enough to want to stay in the closet. Insensitive questions (that are more often born from ignorance rather than malice), being always seen as an outlier, frequently having to lie about who you like and a million other microaggressions that just build up as extra hardship in a queer relationships. Relationships are already not easy to keep together, but adding additional outside stressors can strain them even harder. Enter Shiho.

Shiho was Miwa's aforementioned high school crush whom she reconnected with during a high school reunion. After Miwa and Saeko's break up, Miwa started keeping up contact with her more and more and eventually has the opportunity to meet with her again. Miwa goes to meet with Shiho in order to confess her past feelings for her. Miwa is fully expecting to get turned down but when she meets Shiho, Shiho seems far more receptive and warm towards Miwa than she was expecting. Whatever mental protections Miwa had against the idea of actually having her feelings reciprocated crumbled as it seems like Shiho might have feelings for her as well? Could she actually get together with her old crush?

Unfortunately, while Shiho does have feelings for Miwa, she doesn't feel strong enough to deal with all the baggage that comes with being in a lesbian relationship with Miwa. She very clearly put a lot of thought into the subject, and while she does care for Miwa, she just can't put herself in a relationship with Miwa. Shiho isn't in the wrong about her own feelings and she doesn't invalidate Miwa's. But it still ends up breaking Miwa far more than if Shiho had out right rejected her.

External factors can have a major effect on relationships but internal factors have arguably far more impact on relationships. Namely: sex and romance. Or more specifically: how everyone has different levels of interest in sex and romance.

Figuring out that I was ace and aro took way longer than it probably should have. "I have no interest in having sex with someone but I still get off to porn so clearly I can't be ace!" was legitimately a thought that stopped me from fully embracing being ace for several years. Eventually I figured out that sex-repulsion isn't a requirement of being ace and that the ace spectrum covers a pretty wide variety of experiences under it and that my own is just as valid as the others.

Over the years I've had to engrave a pretty simple idea into my soul: there is no universal experience when it comes to sex and love. Regardless of whether you're allo, ace or aro, you'll have very different feelings towards sexual and romantic interest than everyone else. Let's take, for example, Rika.

Rika is one of the supporting straight characters of the cast. She's also arguably the most sexually active member of the main cast with easily the highest body count of them all. And yet she does not want a relationship past friends-with-benefits. I'm not sure if she's necessarily aro or just not currently interested in a romantic relationship, but the point is that the main thing she wants from her relationships is sex. And that is completely fine! It sucks that when she explains this to dudes she just fucked who want to start dating her that she only wanted a sexual relationship with them and they respond by thinking she must have some family issues that make her so sexually active (she doesn't) or they respond derogatorily that she's just a slut. That's just part of who she is, there is nothing wrong with her. If she was a guy, it wouldn't even raise an eyebrow.

And then on the flip side, you have Tamaki.

Some time after Miwa recovered from her heartbreak over Shiho (and after being sex friends with Saeko again for a bit), Miwa starts dating a year younger kouhai by the name of Tamaki. Tamaki is asexual/alloromantic, she very much has romantic feelings for Miwa and even enjoys kissing and looking at Miwa's body, but she has a very low sex drive. Miwa, on the other hand, has a pretty high sex drive. Tamaki and Miwa together might be one of the best depictions of an allosexual and asexual relationship I've ever seen.

I've know a number of aspecs who've gone through a similar situation as Miwa and Tamaki. Some are certainly able to come to an understanding with their allo partners about each other sexuality, personal boundaries and fulfilling each other's needs in a way that's healthy for both parties. But a lot end up in similar situations as Miwa and Tamaki.

Where in one or both partners feel like they're hurting each other. Some aces feel guilt over not being able to provide for their partner's sexual needs, even if their allo partner assures that them feeling comfortable is far more important to them. Some allos might feel like they're raping their ace partners when they have sex, even if their ace partner expressly gives consent because they want satisfy their partner's needs, even if they themselves don't get anything out of the experience. If you get both together, you end up with a feedback loop of self hatred where the ace person sees their own lack sexual interest as actively harming the person they love and the allo person sees themselves as a monster for wanting to have sex with the person they love.

It's a toxic situation to be in, but it's also one that's hard to leave as both parties feel they themselves are in the wrong and their solutions to correct their error (the allo refraining from asking for sex and the ace more freely offering up sex) just lead to the situation escalating to the point of serious damage to one or both parties.

And unfortunately, that seems to have happened to Miwa. As of writing this, we're at chapter 121 so we're still early on the current arc, but it's looking like Miwa breaking up with Tamaki has done a number on her sex drive. I'm no expert on fluctuations in sexual interest due to trauma, so I won't dive too deeply into this (especially since we're still so early in the new arc). However, associating your sex drive as something that's actively harming your partner to the point that you leave them even though you still love them? Yeah, that's going to cause some damage.

I could ramble on and on about other aspects and topics that How Do We Relationship? does so well (Yuria/Saeko insecurities and dependencies, Saeko/Miwa's brief stint as friends-with-benefits, etc), but I've already said far, far more then I was originally already planning to say. So I think I might have save them for some future posts if I remember them.

So to finally end this now very long essay, I return to my original question: "what exactly is a relationship?"

I don't know, I ain't a cop. Whatever you and your partner(s) say it is, is what it is. But watch out though!

[ashlynbuggy]

my opinions on the webtoon so far (with spoilers under the cut)

- its cute as hell, all of them look really good and exactly how i've imagined them

- i actually dont mind it being more riz centric for the time being, since he is the one working on the mystery and freshmen year always felt like riz's season to me

- saw someone complain about ooc-ness, however a couple of things on that, this is freshmen year. they have changed a lot from fy to jy. you cant expect character development from sy and jy to translate in fy, bc it hasn't happened yet. and another thing, the characters in fantasy high are teenagers played by adults, however in the webtoon, that doesn't translate well, so of course they had to, essentially, write down the characters to something more appropriate for a 15 year old to act. ik yall remember being 15, yall were cringe af, and they probably will be too

- i think overall its a nice introduction to the fantasy high series for people who dont want to put in the time to watch all of it.

- there are significant details to the overarching story missing (more about this under the cut). i understand that some things have to be cut due to having decide what interactions are canon and what aren't, but theres some things that.. really shouldn't have been cut

- i do wish we would have gotten an intro for everyone before going to riz, HOWEVER i do also understand that they were only allowed 3 episodes to introduce new people to the story and probably wanted to get as much story in as possible (im sure webtoon also put a limitation on how long a chapter can be).

okay now spoiler time, so only read under the cut if you've read all locked chapters

- WHY. THE. FUCK. DID. JACE. AND. PORTER. NOT. SHOW. UP! WHERE ARE THEY?! WHY WERE THEY NOT THERE?! it was ALWAYS sus that they were there and is WHY fig was suspicious of porter since fy! so is that just.. not gonna be a thing in the series? is that not canon? ill tel you what IS canon. HER GOING TO BARBARIAN CLASSES INSTEAD OF BARD CLASSES! you can't take that away from fig 😭 the overwhelming feeling of her being fucking RIGHT?! no, dont fucking talk to me. this was suchhhh a bad move from the webtoon series.

okay lemme calm down a bit..

so i get it okay, they aren't sure if they're even going to make sy and jy for webtoon yet, it probably depends on the success of this one (so pls support it yall, if you like it and want more, then do what you can to show that support) so i UNDERSTAND why they want to put in things that are only relevant to the mystery in freshman year. but its such a missed opportunity! one of the things i love about fantasy high and brennans dming is that every detail has meaning, even something as small as jace and porter showing up after the corn fight led to them being enemies in jy. and its not like them coming in the end wouldve been an unnecessary lore drop of mystery beyond fy?? thats just.. two teachers coming to help?? this is literally one of the only things that is getting me abiut the webtoon, everything else i like and am thrilled to have in a written out form, but.. yeah. show jace and porter. wtf.

- they actually DO show some of the other kids backgrounds, its just after the first three so i do think i am right in saying its just bc of limitations on webtoon.

- the scene if kristen dying was actually really well done. i loved seeing her be just a healer, going around helping everyone and being a beacon of light and positivity, and then gets fucking stabbed through the back, so good, it was given the seriousness i was expecting. gorgugs death was more underwhelming, but i also lowkey forget gorgug died in the first season lol

- loved the depiction of adaines panic disorder, and loved them getting in doreens traumatizing last words to her (yall could add that, but not jace and por- let me shut up.)

- gilear and figs interaction? perfect 👌🏼 chefs kiss, so good and emotional.

- this is another fault kinda but.. its not that funny? not in the way the show is. they should've been falling off those damn tables 😔

overall, i think the adaptation is good for an introduction to the series, though it doesn't serve as a replacement. i think people are being way too harsh on it, and i understand that yall are just passionate and wanted something that was a 1v1 for the show, but unfortunately, thats an unrealistic expectation. nothing will be a 1v1 for the show because there is SO MUCH CONTENT in the show that just.. can't fit in a webtoon format. personally, i think they should have made physically graphic novels, but i also appreciate them putting it on webtoon which is much cheaper than that would have been. also.. there's only 9 chapters out, theres still a lot more to go and maybe they will turn some of the issues around after this initial reaction.

anyway ive been yapping and im done now, bye, be nice pls

[theoldspark]

Not the anon who criticized Skybound on the confessions blog, but I saw your reply so I thought I'd send an ask. I'm a fan of Skybound but I can see a lot of valid criticisms wrt pacing (mostly action), a large cast with many characters that don't get enough page time (tho it isn't even That large yet so it's kinda more a TF problem in general imo...), subplots that take a long time to get addressed/resolved (tho I am reserving final judgement on this until #24 comes out which will be the end of DWJ's time as the writer of the series. I started reading Skybound around #14, imo as a binge read it's fine, but having to wait half a year or more for something to get resolved is killer. I never read traditional serialized American comics before the Energon Universe so I don't know if this is typical.) More specific criticisms would require spoilers.

I think whether you'd like it or not depends on personal taste, it isn't perfect but it's fun and the art is gorgeous. If nothing else is peak, the art absolutely is. The contrast between the super stylized and saturated G1 designs next to the super detailed humans and environments is crazy. The preview of the cover by DWJ for #20 (not out yet) is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Jorge Corona's penciling is also wonderful, the "skinned alive"/tortured Autobot in #8 is SO visceral and expressive. The issue that introduced Beachcomber was similarly breathtaking. The fight scenes are also incredibly dynamic (thanks to DWJ's background with wrestling). Reading it in hand is worth it for the spreads alone. Despite what I said about characters lacking pagetime, characterization is still strong - YMMV but it definitely has one of the best Optimus Prime's, and I'm a HUGE fan of their take on Elita. The humans are also done well! They actively add something to the story.

I guess the main thing is that when I try to think about what Skybound is doing NEW I kind of come up with a blank. Mostly small things so far. It hasn't lasted long enough to do anything crazy yet because it was committed to starting from ground zero. We only got Megatron in issue #18! And #19 was a flashback, so that's over a year and a half before Megatron became an active character. The war on Earth not immediately involving Megatron was very cool (especially if you like Starscream being petty and murderous) but the plot moves slowly. I've only read a bit of IDW so I unfortunately can't compare between the two of them. Idk how far IDW1 had gotten story-wise after the first 19~ issues they published. BUT...if you (general you) enjoy G1 (especially Sunbow G1 which is the "Bible" DWJ is using), there's really no reason why you wouldn't like Skybound? FWIW I only got into Transformers within the last year and watched all of G1 as an adult and loved it, so it's not a nostalgia thing for me, but it's def the closest retread of G1 done in years. Which I personally appreciate, since there's actually a lot of really interesting G1 stuff that never got touched again!.....but that's why I actually slightly prefer Void Rivals, which has the most "Season 3"/scifi stuff in it so far, including Hot Rod in the last few issues. (yay!) We're even getting Wreck-Gar this month.

Apologies for the super long ask! But I hope this was useful.

Thank you so much, anon! I appreciate you taking the time to answer something I commented elsewhere.

To be honest, whether it is said to be good or bad, I always prefer to judge for myself after I've consumed the actual source material and not just people's opinions that may very well be biased.

However, it did seem curious to me that many fans seemed to only have good things to say about Skybound, so I was intrigued by the anon ask that said the opposite.

Reading your ask, I'll say that Skybound sounds like something I would enjoy. Plus G1 (although I haven't watched it all) is one of my favorite Transformers series, so anything closely based on it gets kudos from me. But I do see where the other anon was coming from with the criticism. Slow-paced stories don't always work, especially when you only have 24 issues to tell it. And one thing I'm not sure I'll be a fan of that I've heard of is 'Optimus puts Earth before Cybertron' once again. I've never liked that trope, but to be fair it's not anything new for Optimus Prime's character.

Overall, for the things I know, it's a story worth giving it a chance. It may not be perfect, but hardly anything is in this fandom.

[littlespoonevan]

The main thing for me is how unnecessary it was like , like truly it crashes and ruins the theme of the show and of a overall and whole good show that could perfectly landed a 10 season with all the mains and storytelling wise there many many others things they could have done with characters with even Bobby if they wanted to switch dynamics’s bit let Bobby move into the chain a like in Chicago fire where the captain became distric chief and he still is there every episode for a reason or another like I think he eventually even got his office in the same station again so many things and this taints the show and the stories specially the one that could come next (for me it even feels like even the potential of a buddie canon is tainted and I hate that I hate that one white man ego did so much damage to a shows and characters I love so much like I hate that if we get buddie canon I personally won’t be able to enjoy the exact same way I would before , because I will be missing Bobby and because I don’t trust them anymore either with these characters )

i'm 100% with you, anon

gonna put my thoughts under a cut in case anyone doesn't want to read!

askjdhf i don't even know where to start but you're soooo right re: the ways bobby could've taken on a different role and taken a backseat. i saw posts a few weeks ago that also suggested they could've shown the lasting impacts of a career-ending injury that would've actually forced him into retirement which i also think would've been a really interesting approach.

and in terms of the other parts of your ask, i agree that it taints the storylines unnecessarily. when 8x15 came out that was one of the things i made a post about at the time. this choice impacts other stories. in this case: namely eddie's which wasn't finished and is now irrevocably going to be tied up with grief over bobby. and it's like. obviously it should be, i'm not refuting that. but it's so FRUSTRATING bc that's not what his story was supposed to be about!!!! and i'm so annoyed we won't get to see him and chris choose to come home bc it's what they want or that them coming home won't get to be the happy affair it should be. i'm sure it'll still be great but it'll be so much more bittersweet and tinged with a pain that shouldn't be there

and i know it's not the point but i do feel the same re: buddie. i've never been more sure than i was 8x09-8x13 but now i have no idea where things are going. again, it just feels like the momentum has been pulled out from under them and while i'll still be ecstatic if we get it, it won't be the same :/ one thing i've always championed this show about is that i trust the writers and i believe they actually like their audience and i really don't like that all of the circumstances around bobby's death and the bts of it has made me call that into question.

and just to touch on your first point: the fact that peter didn't choose to leave and that the shows still has all of its mains 8 seasons in is a huge feat and i have absolutely no fucking idea why anyone would want to jeopardize that but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ultimately i think my biggest concern (beyond just generally missing bobby and what he brings to the show) is that this completely alters the tone of the show. and i don't think they know how to navigate that. because either they lean more into the heavier/darker tone and lose the lovely balance they've always had. or they try to maintain that balance but it feels wrong when the characters should be grieving. the show is going to move on far quicker than we want them to bc of the episode structure but i don't think they can just slip back into eps like jinx or treasure hunt or whatever as easily as they think they can.

and listen i could be wrong!!! maybe it'll all be handled brilliantly or maybe he's not really dead!!! but i still don't like the storyline and 8x16 hasn't inspired me with much confidence of where we're going

TL;DR bring captain dad back to me please 😭😭

[solosolace]

Ok so I have come across a problem in my wonderful Bat-Potter Au (working on a title) sooo should I have just Dick, the three/four batboys or everyone.

'cause I like the dynamics that could happen with each option, but it would affect age and how it would happen.

timeline is trash in the dcu so them all existing in the 90's could happen. bats would just really ahead of his time if everyone's involved.

So far, I've come up with the idea that Bat's on a mission in England one his rouges is being extremely stupid, and they did something, somehow went to Surrey which is completely believable because Harry is just bad luck good luck personified sometimes. so batsy's shows up stops that harry is out and about running around because the D's couldn't care less and the big bat sees him asks him where family is. some explanations petunia is defensive because 'no mister weird bat boy we do take care of him he just dramatic go away'

Bats is a detective works some stuff out -Bla-Bla don't have details yet- and takes in the runty looking black-haired boy like he has done before.

chaos ensues where harry now -after a bit because we need angst in the middle of that but i don't know what flavor- has a bunch of accidental magic mishaps in his amazing American school or around Gotham and everyone just thinks some minor villain is messing with them and then bat is like 'holy shit this kid is a meta' and goes to find a league member to help this kid with his powers because he needs training now thank you very much.

Dumbledore shows up at some point because he gets alerted that harry hasn't been seen in a while and panics thinking death eaters somehow got him (Which could happen in the books ngl nothing prevents that.) and goes to find him in a manor with a few other kids just happy, he thinks about taking harry back because 'the power of family' and Bruce threatens to sue him for child endangerment -worse if harry is in Hogwarts when he gets picked up or Dumbledore showed up after- (He's a hypocrite but I love him)

I think he would a good relationship with most of them after a while but harry is a bit quiet an introverted so he would probably only hang around bats and who ever seeks him out themselves.

I don't think he should be a vigilantly just yet, but he does get the same training. mostly because there are only so many super names that i can think of and sparrow doesn't really make sense in context.

Bats would be extremely protective if Jason is already dead which I think if the three batboys are around would happen before his 2nd or 3rd year he might show back up in 4th or 5th for thematic reasons 'omg Voldemort was resurrected, shit so was my brother.'

should the girls be involved? I don't know much about Cass and Steph and Babs' cannon is weird sometimes, like sometimes Shes young sometimes Shes around bats age so idk.

They would show up during the tournament and maybe before so Bruce and/maybe tim could look at the legalities of the contract which they can't really dispute since they have no clue of the consequences except maybe Azkaban and dementors suck. like they're still giving harry Choclate after his 3rd year bad.

Harry would invite Ron over i think, like Bruce would pay to have a room just for floo travel so harry friends could come by from time to time. Ron would be jealous a bit but would still be run understanding.

Hermione would be trying to read every rare book Bruce has in collection and would constantly ask everyone questions about their lives.

Snape would still hate Harry only harry would be in Slytherin-because tbh I like S!Harry and Bruce would say something about how any traits that let you be a good detective or whatever were a good thing- so he doesn't really look at him and ignores him as often as possible. Harry is a silly guy and after hanging around the bat simply thinks that snape is cool and mysterious and is now his favorite teacher teach simply because he reminds him of a bat.

Harry like to dress in dark clothes and reads whatever he comes across if there happens to be darks arts in there oh well its not like he'll use them (he will) this is basically canon he immediately goes for the dark's arts Bruce does not care depending on age Jason would kinda proud.

Thats about all i have rn whatcha think?

[nxzz-skz]

Bound by contract (a bangchan x reader series)

Chapter 14

ᯓ★arranged marriage between nonidol!bangchan and fem!reader

ᯓ★ warnings: none

ᯓ★ note: send an ask or comment to be added to my taglist! (please specify which one :D )

ᯓ★ HAPPY NEW YEAR MY LUVS <3 i'm so grateful for all of you, 2024 was the year i started writing and you guys have given me so much support, and I've come so far. I wouldn't have done it with out you! I hope we achieve so much more this year, and my writing journey will continue even further! Lots of love, Ari <3

chapter 13 - masterlist - chapter 15

๋࣭⭑────୨ৎ────⭑๋࣭

You spent the rest of the day trying hard to focus on your tasks and work, but your mind kept drifting back to Chan. You couldn't help but think - What was he involved in? What was it that he had to do that kept him away from you?

Your phone rang around dusk, and you didn't even look at the caller ID before answering.

"Hello?"

"Y/N." The voice on the other end was low, a hint of malice underling the otherwise calm tone.

"Minho," you muttered, your stomach turning.

He chuckled slowly, clearly enjoying your discomfort. "I thought we should catch up. After all, it's been quiet a while since we last spoke, hasn't it?"

"What do you want?" you asked, your voice sharp.

"I just wanted to check up on you. Make sure you're...happy," he said, dragging the word out like a threat. "I heard your husband had been a little...busy...these days. Can't say I'm surprised."

Your stomach flipped at the sound of his voice. Minho had always been good at getting what he wanted, good at knowing exactly what to say to get under your skin.

"Stay out of it," you warned, your voice clipped.

"Oh, I'm not involved in anything. At least, not anymore. Remember?" he said casually. "I'm just saying, maybe you're not the only one who's been busy lately."

You felt your blood run cold, your heart dropping.

"Minho, what do you know?"

The was a long pause on the other side of the line. When he spoke again, his voice was a whisper, taunting.

"Just remember who you're really married to, Y/N. The truth always comes out in the end."

And with that, he hung up.

๋࣭⭑────୨ৎ────⭑๋࣭

When Chan returned later that night, you were waiting for him.

He looked tired, the weariness evident in his eyes as he walked through the door. His eyes scanned the room quickly, searching for you.

You didn’t know how to approach him. You didn’t know how to ask the questions that had been haunting you since the phone call.

He looked at you, his face softening when he saw you. But you could tell that he wasn’t fully there. There was something in his eyes that made you hesitate.

“Everything okay?” you asked, your voice a little too light, trying to keep the edge of worry out.

He sighed, rubbing his temples. “It’s… complicated.”

You swallowed hard, the truth sinking in. Complicated.

“I don’t want to lie to you,” he began slowly. “But I also don’t want to drag you into this.”

Your heart raced, and a part of you wanted to scream. What was he involved in? What was he hiding from you?

But you just stood there, watching him, trying to read the unreadable expression on his face.

“Do you trust me?” he asked quietly, almost like a plea more than a question.

You wanted to say yes. You wanted to believe in him. But the truth was, you didn’t know if you could anymore.

“I… I don’t know,” you admitted, your voice trembling slightly. “I need you to be honest with me, Chan. I need to know that I’m not just a part of the game.”

His eyes softened, and for the first time in days, you saw the vulnerability in him — the cracks in the armour he had spent so long building.

“I never wanted you to feel like that,” he whispered. “But I can’t protect you from everything. I just… I just need you to trust me.”

And for the first time, you felt yourself starting to pull away.

๋࣭⭑────୨ৎ────⭑๋࣭

ᯓ★ Reblogs and follows appreciated!

ᯓ★ taglist: @bluesoobinnie @lynastrawberry @nappynapnaps @straykidslover2024

ᯓ★ perm taglist: @cafffeineconnoisseur @skzbiasot8 @candyquokka @idiotmaterial @backseat-serenade-dizzyhurricane @hanji-coffee @jeonginsbaee

[bomberqueen17]

how it's going

I am delighted so far by the responses to the post about signing up to beta/cheer-read the solarpunk tallship bisexuals novel I've decided to really give a go this year-- if you missed it, this is the post-- I have gone through and added everyone who signed up so far and it's a lovely mix of names I know and names I don't, not so many people it'd be hard to keep track and not so few that I'm worried about burning somebody out or totally winding up relying on one poor reader to keep my sanity going. I am also always pumped to get a lurker to de-lurk and say hi, not that there's anything wrong with lurking, I've got a few spaces where I lurk because that's what I need from that space. But it's always nice to be able to like, relate to somebody, y'know?

Not that you can really talk a lot in a google doc. I admit a lot of what's kept me going on Witcher has been having various little Discord threads where I can paste in whatever line I'm smug about, or that I'm stuck on for workshopping, and having a conversation about it, and not having that (I have a thread going in a Witcher discord but since it's off-topic it's kind of... well, low-traffic). I don't know if it's feasible to make a new Discord so I probably won't. But.

Anyway I will at some point turn that form off, but it seems to have worked pretty well so far as a method for adding people specifically to the doc, and I will leave it open and keep checking it for a little longer if any of y'all reading this were on the fence about signing up. I just can't rattle around alone in that doc and still keep my momentum. I'm only up to chapter three or so and the main plot hasn't even started but there's thusfar been at least one really confusing action sequence and I've realized that I've got a serious case of zero visual information being conveyed, so that's been helpful. Even with only a couple of readers-- ha, even the last couple of hours before I started adding people to the doc it had already done a lot of its job because I started proofreading with an audience in mind, which in my case tends to improve readability, which is what I want.

Listen, there's a noble purpose in telling stories for their own sake to yourself, but the idea of telling a story so that others can understand it is important to and I value it highly. So. That's what this is about.

So I've got a few people poking around in there with me and I feel much better about life and have some hopes I might make it over the hump into a real plot now, LOL.

But I think I'm gonna snippet post, which I haven't much with this work yet! (Have I? I forget. I started it in the fugue state of pre-holiday fuckery last year so who knows.)

bah i can't find a good snippet. well, here's a recently-composed one anyway.

As they approached the ship, Tom said, “You’ll tell the others, yeah? Simmons didn’t know. It ain’t his fault.” “I don’t know as it’ll help,” Keller said. “They’re mighty displeased about how you been treated. It reflects on them, y’know?” “It’s not so bad,” Tom said. “I’d rather be here than escorting the Barka convoy back to Subia in Jeanette all by my lonesome knowing damn well Righteous is waiting there for me with a bone in her teeth. No thank you, I’d rather not be set up on a suicide run like that. And you know if I got killed in a fourteen-gun sloop facing down a bloody-minded forty-gun privateer they’d tut-tut and say a proper Subian gentleman could’ve won.” “Oh sir,” Keller said. “You know they’d say that,” Tom said. “You know they would. No thank you, I will take my lumps and stick with Haines and I’ll thank you not to force me to defend poor Simmons the entire time. It weren’t none of his doing, Henry Keller, but that don’t mean I want to have to argue with the rest of you lot about him every blessed day of this commission.” “He’s also an ignorant sod,” Keller pointed out. “It don’t signify,” Tom said. “You know me and Yardley won’t let no harm come to the ship.” “Oh, Yardley,” Keller said. “I forgot he’s aboard. He’s been scarce.” Tom rolled his eyes. “He’s taking it well, too,” he said. He rummaged through the few parcels he’d brought back, and pulled out a bag and handed it over to Keller. “Share that out with your mess-mates,” he said. “And tell them-- it ain’t his fault, at all.” Keller took the bag with pleasure-- it was candy, Tom knew they’d have liked liquor better but he didn’t dare risk them being found with it and punished, with Simmons and not him in charge, so candy was safer. Keller looked back up at Tom, weatherbeaten face crinkled with a grin, and said, with a wry, grudging concession, “I’ll tell them.”

[nocturnesanomaly]

Chapter 10: Prophet Girls

(Series Masterlist: Divine Violence) (Read on Ao3) (Inspired Playlist)

Series: The Divine Violence - chapter 10: Prophet girls

Wordcount: 5,7k

Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x John "Soap" MacTavish x Gn!Reader

TW: (View masterlist for full series tw and tags) - DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, Religious Trauma, PTSD, Flashbacks, Hallucinations, Anxiety, Paranoia, Disturbing themes, themes of indoctrination, themes of eating disorders

Description: You go hunting with Simon in the morning, and get invited to dinner in the evening.

A/N: Well….this chapter took a long time - Holidays took the life out of me, but I'm making my come back to my writing! - This one hasn't been read by my lovely beta reader as she's sick, I hope you get better soon love! :,( - I've proofread best I could so, I hope you have all enjoyed the chapter regardless, it's one I've been looking forward to write!

[Prev chapter / Next Chapter]

"Relax your arm, you're holding onto it too tight" Simon gently adjusts your hold on the hunting rifle by your shoulders.

You grumble quietly, following his directions and exhaling a cloud of frosted breath. "I know what I'm doing," you shake his guiding touch off leaning further down into the snow and relaxing. There's no animal in sight yet, thank God. It's not like you'd hit it like this, all jittery.

At least that's how the suddenly very invasive man next to you so delicately put it just mere minutes ago.

You don't remember him being this pushy, or this confident really. A trait you don't appreciate so much when it comes to the correction of your apparent flaws. They only became flaws today for some reason.

"Are you sure? You seem really tense," his voice has been a constant stream of chatter in your ears this morning. When in the world did he stop being quiet again. "I mean it, you need to relax or you're going to miss it."

"I am relaxing!" you hiss out looking to where he's laying by your side.

His eyes narrow but he lets out an exhausted huff. "At least relax your trigger finger, you're going to scare away any of the animals before we even see any." He shakes his head.

Despite your protest you do as he asks and relax your body even more into the snow. A bit of it has managed to find the little exposed places of your jacket and make its way under, but you can barely feel it now.

"If you're going to be so picky, why did you even drag me out here," you ask a tad calmer resting your cheek against the cold polished side of the rifle. When he had woken you up that morning, it came as a surprise that he was only doing it to drag you out hunting at the ass crack of dawn.

You hadn't been at the liberty to decline.

"You can't keep staying in that room forever..." Simon says adjusting his position in the snow and keeping an eye on the moving bushes at the far end of your viewpoint. "You aren't coming out anymore, it's getting Price worried. Johnny too even if he won't say it."

You let out an annoyed huff. They shouldn't waste their energy worrying over something so trivial. You knew how to take care of yourself, even if it didn't look like it to them. What you were doing was most strategic.

"Great so it's a pity hunt."

"Don't do that," Simon grumbles. "We take care of our own," he gives you a pointed look when you make a noise of disapproval. "You're part of the team whether you like it or not Spider."

"Temporarily."

He shakes his head but otherwise makes no comment.

"Are you really that eager to get away from us?" there's an underlying meaning in his words, it’s less about an us, and more about a me.

You hadn't given it much thought, what you'd do once all of this is over. A part of you doesn't know if this can be done. They have a determination you lack. To truly see this through, you're going to need something that you still lack, you're going to have to dig a lot deeper than before, to resist, to complete the objective set before you.

"Where are you going when all this is over?" you ask.

"Wherever they send me next," he answers.

That's the part of his job that made sure you never got there. Sure, there were other certain factors. However, that point, the going from place to place with reckless abandon and a trust in your superiors that you'll never build again is what keeps you.

You move on your own terms, not someone else's. Not anymore.

"That doesn't get tiring?"

He goes quiet for a moment, leaning over to adjust where your gun is looking. He guides it towards the rustling bushes where he seems to have spotted something.

"There...a rabbit...keep an eye and take your shot when it's in view."

You let out a quiet steady breath as the white fur and pink nose sniffs out of one of the nearby bushes. It's cautious of danger, sniffing at the snow before taking a few uncertain steps out.

It's like it can feel it. That some quiet predator has it in its sights. The tense air around the clearing is almost suffocating, the expectation of the shot making your senses jittery.

"You get used to it."

It's all jumping around too much, and you start to crave the stability of the drug induced illusions.

Your finger itches on the trigger, your breath hitches. You look right into the red eyes of the rabbit, you see its terror. It's enticing, a rush like nothing else, that makes sparks fly off the synapses in your brain.

You pull the trigger with as much uncertainty as the scared rabbit.

You could never get used to it.

When you get back to the cabin, you find Gaz hauling a pine tree inside the house, right along with a mountain of snow. You can't imagine Price will be happy about that, but all he gives is a disappointed glare.

He directs Gaz around, moving the table a bit to the side to make space for the massive thing. You had never truly understood why there was even a need for a tree, even more so here. You didn't even have any decorations for the thing, it would quite literally just be a tree in the living room.

"Oh, you're back," Gaz perks up from behind the tree when he finally manages to get it into position. "Did you catch anything?"

Your empty hands should speak for itself. Simon closes the door behind you, kicking off the snow from his boots before looking quizzically over at the tree. "No," you answer curtly. "Not this time."

"Well, at least you're not being forced to carry a tree all the way from town," Gaz huffed with a smile on his lip.

"Zip it Gaz, you volunteered," Price grumbles. "Now put it a little more left."

"Do we really need a tree Cap'?" Simon passes you to stand next to the captain, observing from his viewpoint.

"It's festive."

You slip past the three of them, quiet steps placed towards your room. Simon might have brought you, to get you out of the room but that didn't mean you couldn't retreat as soon as you got back.

Halfway down the hallway, a wall in the form of Soap stops you from entering the room once again. You stop abruptly, startling yourself and him at the same time. "Joh-" you don't get to cut yourself off because he does it for you.

"Spider!" a smile spreads across his lips, and it startles you worse than bumping into him. "I was wondering when ye were coming back," he sounds endearingly excited. "Are ye ready for tonight?"

"Tonight?"

You take a step back, swallowing the thick of your spit back down. He's holding a notebook in his hands, a pencil case behind it. He's been drawing again then. Your wrists itch, curiosity winning its primary space in your brain as to what he could possibly be drawing now.

"Got invited by Mrs. Evans and her husband to dinner at their house tonight, ye and me." He shifts the weight between his legs, his eyes darting away from you and to the art on the walls. "Price agreed it would be good idea, get more intel on 'em."

"Of course they did," you say exasperated. "He's not wrong, if they're apart of anything major there'll be signs. Subtle but they'll be there."

He nods, falling quiet as he stands there. You look at him for a hot minute, expecting him to move but he doesn't. Your lips move to form the words you want to ask but nothing comes out. Your eyes go back to the items he's holding, and you gesture to it, trying to get him to say something, anything.

"Oh! ach that's right, I got ye something." He smiles and holds out the notebook for you to take. Hesitantly you take hold of it, giving him a questioning look. Your hands ghost over the edges before you flip it open.

It's empty, but the paper has quality and it's not just any notebook. He had bought you a sketchbook, one that's matching his own. A warmth blooms in your heart as you realize he remembered. Of all things you hadn't expected him to go out of his way and use his own money on you.

"John you...didn't have to..." you cringe a little when you catch your own slip up. He gives you a curious look. A tiny nod is the only signal you get. He's fine with it. It manages to relieve a weight in your chest, the one that's been bothering you about the balance between the two of you. Of what is too far. What is too much.

You gently take the sketch book out of his hands, and he places the little pencil case on top of it. "Nah don't mention it, thought ye might enjoy having something to do that isn’t just working." You feel your cheeks warm up a bit at the call out.

Your teeth latches onto your lower lip, your eyebrows furrowing along with it to create the difficult expression. He looks so excited about this gift. It sometimes feels a little like having a dog standing in front of you, his tail wagging excitedly at the mere possibility of you showing even a hint of approval.

"Just think of it as an early Christmas gift."

You can see why Simon has taken a liking to him. When you first meet him, he's an imposing figure. Even if he puts his good side forward, there's an underlying darkness. A thing you haven't been able to dig out of him yet, but you can see it in the way he moves, in the way he carries himself through social situations.

It's no doubt to you that every single one of the men living under this roof have a deadly touch. They've killed, and they'd kill again if they were ordered to it. It makes you wonder what their moral compass is like. How far is too far. Would they have done what you did, if they were in your position?

Would they understand.

Whatever Simon was put through it had been rough on him, enough to confine himself to a mask. John seemed understanding of him. He always seemed understanding of the things around him. He cared for things. He took care of things, even if that is in his own ways. You watch him love Simon like it's the easiest thing in the world. It's a quiet love, barred behind closed doors for safety but it's there. You see it, in their actions.

You wish you could be like that. Take responsibility in the same way. You've never loved normally, and part of you is sure you never will. Your love is an obsession. It's an all-consuming sickness, burrowing itself in the cavity of your chest. You are an all-consuming idea. You lick your tongue over bloodied ribs, you sink teeth into the heart. Your touch leaves marks and scrapes, that will hurt and destroy.

There's no part of you that should be loved in the way John loves Simon. Yet you crave that attention so viscerally, you'd do anything for it, to be the object of someone's eye once again.

"Thank you..." the words are quiet but it still makes him smile.

"Do show me what ye come up with, ah have a feeling inspiration will strike when it's just right" he speaks like he knows. He's so sure of himself, that you almost believe him just from that. He's the smart type, he'll figure it out.

He'll figure it out.

You shake your head. He won't unless you give him or any of the rest any reason to suspect anything. So far, you're just a weirdo, right?

"Yeah, I will," you try to give him an easy-going smile. Your thoughts should stay on the goal ahead. Whatever this dinner will bring, you have an objective now.

"Do we have to?" you turn away from their front door to face John again. You had gone along this far without complaint. The event of the evening hadn't seemed so daunting before you were standing Infront of the Evans family's lusciously decorated front door.

The first sign of their religion already came at the first glance. The giant cross put in the middle, surrounded by decorated plants and Christmas reds and greens.

"Yes, we do, and ye know that" he says with a soft chuckle, yet he remains still with you in front of the door.

"We could turn around now, Price doesn't have to know, there's a market in town we're just as likely to get information there than here." You aren't sure why exactly you're trying to convince him, when you're well aware you aren't getting out of this without the use of force. Which is definitely not ideal either.

He shakes his head, an amused smile flashing your way. "Price'll know, trust me he always somehow knows," he speaks from experience.

"It'll be over before ye know it, and we can always go to the market afterwards if ye'd like that," he offers as a middle ground. As if it was about the market in the first place.

You lean forward to press their doorbell with a sigh. If you were quick enough you could find the signs and leave. The shallow hope resides in your chest like an anchor to reality. You knew it wouldn't happen, not the way you wanted it to.

You take a step back when Mrs. Evans opens the door with half a squeal to make you wince. Her smile is so bright it borders something disturbing. "Oh my goodness, it's so good to see you two! Come in, come in!" she exclaims.

You step inside, giving her a soft smile and the friendliest greeting you can think of. Anything to make you come across as normal and not an anxious lunatic. She's wearing a beautiful floral print dress reaching down to her ankles, her hair done up in braids tucked into a bun.

Your hands twitch, muscle memory settling into your reflexes as you remember. The younger ones had loved that type of hair. You had been the best at doing it.

The signs will be subtle but they will be there

The Father's voice echo within your head as you step into the foyer.

I never abandon my children to the dark

The inside of their home is almost as obnoxious as their loud front door. Everything is Christmas times a hundred, but only the right kind. The one that praises God, the holy, the pure.

"Thank you for inviting us, Mrs. Evans" you give her your best crafted smile. She clasps her hands together and gives you one in return.

"Oh please, I always make it a point to acquaint myself with anyone new. So few come all the way out to our lovely little community, it's a blessing to see good new faces, and I told Frank you two make such a cute couple I couldn't resist inviting you over and getting to know you!"

You freeze at that. Couple? You hadn't said anything about that. Had John...you give him a look but he doesn't look back at you, his eyes focused on Mrs. Evans.

"And we're glad you did, we're both happy that the community is so welcoming, we were a bit worried at first," John doesn't correct her. Is he being serious right now. Did he really tell her that the two of you were together. What in the world was he thinking. What about Simon.

"Please, take off your shoes, settle in settle in! Make yourself at home," she encourages the both of you. There's little time to reflect on his choice, and even less to scold him about it. For now, you'll just have to play along, pretend as if you know what in the world she's talking about.

You discard your shoes and jacket in their rightful places, keep a respectful distance from most things in their foyer to avoid accidentally knocking over the copious number of trinkets they've got out on display.

"I hope you like roasted pork," she leads you into the living room where the warmth of the roaring fireplace encloses around you. "My husband made sure to get the best from the market this morning."

"It smells delicious, I'm sure you're a lovely cook" John stands closer to her. She giggles and waves him off with a bashful expression.

"Oh please, I'm just fine but you'll get a taste for yourself soon enough."

They've got a tree out, ornaments putting it in a white and golden light. Each one engraved with something. It's too small to read. Drawings around the room, done in crayon and childish paint, hung on the spaces on the walls.

John makes small talk with Mrs. Evans, some of relevance some not. It all becomes white noise as your eyes dart around the room. A pet bowl stands near the entrance to the kitchen, it's empty. Paintings of moments of importance from the scriptures are hung neatly on the walls. You recognize most of them, while a few are vaguer for your imagination.

"Excuse me," you try to be as polite as you can butting into their conversation. "Where's your bathroom?" you gesture awkwardly around the room with your hand.

"Oh! Just down the hall sweetie, the first door on your right" Mrs. Evans points back out towards the hallway you had gone through. You thank her, before retreating back out there. Away from the prying eyes of hers.

The hallway is almost worse than the living room. Decorations are splayed about, and it's probably the most visually interesting thing you've come across. Overstimulating almost. You come to a stop Infront the circular mirror, you ignore it in favour of directing your interest towards the display on the little table in front.

It's been decorated in many different colours, plants, pine, ornaments and Christmas cards. All of them coded in some way with the scriptures or religious practice that's been taught to them. Your hand traces over the little ornament, the words hollowing out inside your mind. Reactivating prayers that lay dormant.

'Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart - Proverbs 3:3'

You know words of prayer by heart. You've spent countless nights reciting them, practicing them, committing them to memory so you could receive a reward morning come.

And then you had spent countless nights crying them out in a prayer for help, for rescue. You had spent countless restless nights turning your throat raw, screaming to a god that never actually listened.

This home is oversaturated with them.

There's truth to be found in them, one you pretend to no longer care for. You walk further down the hallway, inspecting every ornament, every inscription. All the little signs that could distinguish this home from a loving religious household, to one that does the bidding of the collective.

There has to be signs. Tiny little things. Anything at all that can lead you towards the presence of The Father, of your home. He rarely goes anywhere without doing so, to lead his rightful children back to where they belong, no matter how far out they might have gone.

It was a lesson he taught you early on.

There'll always be a place for you in my arms.

The shadows still take his face, and use his voice. They still taunt you despite how much you try to fight it. You think they might not even stop if you were to finally give in to them.

You come to an open door. A child's bed room. It's clad in golds and pinks, blending together in the context of a princess design. The little kid is there too, her golden hair almost shining in the big lamp light above. A halo around her head. She's pure.

She would be so easily corruptible.

"Are you mommy's guest?" she doesn't seem nervous at all. "Oh! Do you wanna see my toys? Mommy says I can get more for Christmas!"

Let her be innocent. Please. Let her be free of it.

You walk closer wordlessly. An easy smile settles on your lips, exactly how you used to do with the young. "Yeah, those are some cool toys" you try to mimic her tone of excitement. "Are they new?"

You settle down onto your knees next to her. Her toys keep the same colours scheme as her room, except for a few baby blues and greens. She excitedly shows you her favourite.

You're careful not to touch her as she drags you through her collection of colourful ponies. She's too young. Let her be too young to know.

He starts young.

Let her be too young.

Your eyes search her body for scars, bruises, any mark at all but find nothing but the smooth skin you envied. "Do you go to church often little one?" you ask and settled down on the floor next to her in a more comfortable position.

"Mhm! It's a bit boring sometimes though, don't tell mommy I said that," she snickers and puts a finger over her mouth.

"Have you ever wanted more out of it?"

She shrugs barely interested in your words, clearly boring her about just as much as the lectures she would find within the church. You reach out, grab her arm with a force that gets her eyes to widen.

"Deus spes nostra," your eyes bore into hers searching for even the tiniest sign of recognition within her.

You spoke a tiny prayer within your mind, let her be innocent, let her be free.

"Deus lux mea est."

Your stomach sinks, your eyes searching for the source standing in the open doorway. She couldn't be much older than you had been. She had the same expression you would wear back then, masked by the anxiety swimming in your gut.

The family has two daughters.

The little one, uninterested in the religious practice being thrust upon her as she grows. She'll change her mind as she gets older, turn to the so-called light stained by the blood red sky above her.

And the older one.

He's raising a new angel.

It's the only thing that makes sense. A new angel to take the place you left hollow when you fled. He's starting from the bottom up, creating something better, something stronger. And by how she stares you down from across the table, it wouldn't be crazy to think she knows of you.

You can only pray she would keep her mouth shut. That she wouldn't alert your presence to anyone of importance. Or you could dispose of her. The plan formulates all too quickly in the back of your brain, how you'd do it, what you'd do with the corpse afterwards, the explanations of your absence to the team.

Depending on how deep in her training she is, you're unsure whether it's a fight you want to pick alone. She's so much younger than you, inexperienced but fresher without the pains of a weakened body.

"Love, could you pass me the salt?"

You freeze, your head whipping to John in surprise. Despite the agreed cover you hadn't expected him to pull out anything extra. Was that really needed? As if Mrs. Evans hadn't already fussed over the two of you enough.

"Yeah..." you pick up the salt and pass it to him. Your eyes leaving the new angel.

"Are the two of you settling in well?" Mrs. Evans speaks up clear startling her youngest. "I know the valley can be difficult to get accustomed to especially this time of year!"

She has a faux type of energy that rubs you the wrong way.

"We're settling in just fine, kind of you to worry" John responds with optimism. How does these people not rub him the wrong way, can't he see it? Or is he just that much better at masking it than you are. Likely it's the latter and it doesn't help your annoyance.

"Ah it's nothing, gotta look out for the young love in our community" her knife squeaks against her plate when she cuts a piece of meat. It hurts your ears. The table itself is clad in imperfect white frills, candles in the middle, surrounded by fruits, potatoes and meat galore.

"Isn't that right honey?" she elbows her husband in the arm. His eyes have been glued his plate since you took a seat. He's barely eaten a thing. When he doesn't answer her, she clears her throat and nudges him again.

"Mh..yeah."

She lets out an awkward little laugh, her uncomfortable stature satisfies something in you. John smiles unsure towards her as he takes another bite of his own food.

"Oh, darling you've barely eaten a thing? Do you feel ill?" Mrs. Evans directs her attention to you when she doesn't get the response she's looking for. You mentally curse out the man of the house for not taking up her conversation.

"No, I'm alright, just had a big lunch that's all" you give her your best attempt at a disarming smile. Let her buy it. Don't dig.

You pick up your fork and pick up the piece of meat you had cut for yourself. It doesn't go down easy. The heat burns your tongue, and the texture drags in your throat. It settles wrong in your stomach.

"It's such a good thing the two of you decided to come to church! The community is always so excited over newcomers, I'm sure you'll make lots of friends in due time." You have to give it to her, her excitement seems as genuine as it gets. Whatever lays beneath, she believes in it wholeheartedly.

"Yeah, we're happy to have found it so receptive. We have a lot to learn from a tight knit community like this, but I'm sure there's only good things to come. We've also been thinking about expanding our horizons, attend some things more than just the Sunday mass." John replies in an excited tone. He's good at mimicking the interest in their practice, but you suppose it's not entirely fabricated.

"Oh but of course! You absolutely need to come by Wednesday when the choir practices. My own two girls are apart of it, and they've got the most angelic little voices, do you not?" she glances towards them with hope in her eyes.

The little one smiles bright at you, nodding along rapidly to what her mother is telling. The elder remains quiet. "They both work so hard too! I mean you should have seen it when they first started, a bit uncoordinated but they sharpened up quickly. A few private lessons and it put them right on track with the others!"

She sounds proud.

Her happiness disgusts you.

The daughters are silent listening on to their mother singing their praises on a topic they'd clearly rather avoid. It's in their faces, even the younger one, the distaste, the compliance. The new angel still has her eyes on you, ever focused on your moves, your expressions, your reactions. She's too observant for your liking.

You make a mental note to ask Laswell for any and all information on this family, on her.

There'll be plenty of work to do once you go home from this. You doubt you'll get much sleep. You only hope your sleep deprived state won't cause you too much trouble, and that the 4 men living under the same room won't make too many comments. You got voices enough in your head to listen to.

The rest of the dinner is spent observing the family's dynamic, marking off mental notes of their reactions to one another. You've got down the mother’s devotion, the daughters forced contribution, the father’s detachment to the world around him as if nothing matters to him anymore.

He's been here

This place is filthy with his prints

He's planted the seeds and they've taken root deep within them

"Thank you for the dinner, Mrs. Evans. It was delicious."

"Oh, don't mention it Mr. Mctavish, it was my pleasure to host the two of you" she gushes as you move out the front door and back into the snowy town. John follows close behind, his hand holding tightly onto yours as if to keep you in check, so you don't go running off prematurely.

You guess he still doesn't fully trust you after your little stunt.

"We'll see you in church on Sunday! Stay safe now," Mrs. Evans waves you off and closes her front door with a prominent click.

You let out a deep sigh, finally being out of there. "You did good," John says and gives you a smile. His hand is still in yours, a warm weight you don't feel like letting go just yet. Luckily, he doesn't seem to want to either as he tugs on your arm to walk in tow.

You let him lead you, tugging your jacket further around yourself. "So are you not a fan of family dinners at all, or was that just as intense as it felt like back there," John says with a chuckle. You a crack a smile of your own. You could still feel your muscles tense state, at least you hadn't been completely alone in it.

"Would you believe me if I said both," there's amusement in your voice bordering a reciprocal chuckle. He looks to you with a fonder smile.

"Yeah."

His attention is taken off of you again when you hear the faint music down the street. Christmas carols, songs of joy. It seems to spark interest in him as he quickly changes course.

The closer you get the more extravagant the decorations around town seem to become. Fairy lights are hung from house to house, and across streets, becoming shimmering lights above you, like golden stars in the night sky to guide you to where you're meant to be.

"It's beautiful..." your voice is but a whisper, staring up at the marvel. A rough hand comes to graze against your jaw. The hand that isn't holding yours guide your eyes to the bigger display at the centre of the upcoming square, the giant tree in the middle, the band in front of it playing songs for a dancing crowd.

His hand squeezes yours, making you look down. His thumb rubs soothing motions over your skin, like it's meant to be there. Your eyes trail back up to his face, but he isn't watching you. No, that amused face is captivated by your surroundings. There's something unmistakably beautiful about him in this kind of lighting, and you count yourself blessed enough to be allowed to see it before your end.

Your teeth clench together as your mind drifts back to the dinner. The one question you want to ask lies on the tip of your tongue, and before you can stop yourself.

"John back there why did you make us a couple, we could've been anything to them you didn't have to-" you bite down on your tongue, looking away from him as his eyes come back to you.

"It was the first thing that came to mind, didn't think it would bother ye that much." John is quick to respond, his concern edging into his tone. You swallow uncomfortably, and the hand that lies in yours suddenly feels wrong, like rubbing your hand on a cheese grater.

"But you and Simon..."

"He doesn't mind."

Your brows furrow, because what does he mean he doesn't mind. He should mind. He should really, really mind.

"But-"

"Dance with me."

He comes to stand in front of you, blocking the view of the spectacle ahead and becoming the new one instead. Light shines around him like he was sent from the heavens, a beacon for you to follow. The workings within your mind are dangerous, the connections they start to make.

"What?"

"Dance with me." He's steadfast not taking no for an answer as he gently grabs your other hand and moulds you into the right position. He doesn't start right away, waits for your muscles to relax, for the surprise on your face to morph into something different.

Then he leads you, and you follow.

You haven't danced much in your life if at all, and it shows in your clumsy movements, in the way you look down at your feet as to not step on his. He doesn't say a word, not a single complaint is heard. He spins you around with a soft smile on his lip, hums along with the tune of the song in the back.

It takes you half the song but you start to grow more confident, your steps more bold, more assured. A smile cracks out on your own lips, and when he spins you around again you can't help the laughter that crackles from your throat, the tickling in your body.

"You don't have to worry so much you know," he whispers close to your ear, your back to his front.

"We've got you."

He spins you back around, guides your steps until you've successfully danced yourself over to the rest of the moving crowd. His hand finds a resting place on your waist, the other one aiding you to make sure you stay in place. Your steps become unsteady, trying to not bump into people but he doesn't let go. He doesn't let you fall.

You don't know what changed for you that day, but later on you've come to realize, the feelings within you have morphed into something else, and whether you liked it or not, they would continue down that path. It's too late to walk away.

Likes, Reblogs and comments are always appreciated, love ya! <3

Taglist: @unlikelyaperson @ghostlythots @haipasa @woodlandgirl22-blog-blog @kaoyamamegami @ellabellabunny123 @chickennn-soupp @spicyspicyliving @lilynotdilly