#it takes a billion fail selfies for a handful of good ones

[shleemies]

19 months post op pics!

He/it

[xjoonchildx]

guilty | knj x reader | chapter two: incheon mall tube tops

summary: as the man at the top, kim namjoon has almost everything he wants. almost. could a familiar face from the past change his future?

pairing: namjoon x reader

genre: mafia AU, pining, eventual smut

rating: 18+

word count: 4.5K

notes: i really hope you guys are enjoying namjoon’s story! i think there will only be one more chapter after this.  and like a true unfocused writer i started daydreaming about a yoongi one-shot to go with it? gah, nevermind.  i really hope you guys like this and i’d love to hear how you feel one way or another.  a huge thanks to my amazing beta @hobi-gif​ who does a hell of a lot more than just find typos.  and all of my love has to go out to @ladyartemesia​ @ppersonna​ @taetaewonderland​ because all three of you are so much more than tumblr friends.

this fic is a continuation of the Guarded Series but can be read as a standalone piece.

Chapter 01 | 02 | 03 | Epilogue

**********************

It didn’t matter how hard you tried to hide your sadness, Namjoon saw it.

It didn’t matter how many hushed calls you tried to sneak, or how many smiles you tried to force -- Namjoon saw right through your act from the very beginning.  He’d seen enough to know that you were facing some kind of personal battle. He understood enough about you to know that you were far too private to bring it up or ask for help.

He should have asked.

The question sat heavy on the tip of his tongue for weeks.  He should have asked on the days he would spot you at your desk, fingers pressed to your temples in frustration.  Or on the days when he would catch you staring out the window, mind a million miles away.

He didn’t.

Instead, he let himself be driven to distraction by the way your blouses fit perfectly against the lines of your body. The way your pencil skirts hugged the curve of your hips. How soft your hair looked pulled into the low, loose knot you favored.

He found himself stumbling over his words when you’d quietly slip into meetings to deliver an urgent message or he’d drift off in the middle of conversations just because he’d caught sight of you outside his office door.

So it wasn’t long before what started as a preoccupation turned into a full-blown fixation.

You’d turn up at his request, poised and professional as always -- and he’d be lost in thought, defiling you a thousand different ways in his head.  Fantasizing about getting his hands on you, his mouth on you, his teeth on you.

You didn’t deserve that.

That’s why Namjoon kept his mouth shut -- stuck in a maddening cycle of wanting to help you, wanting to know you, just wanting you.

All of it made him feel guilty as hell.

*********************

The new girl is a fucking disaster.

Namjoon has yet to figure out how she manages to be underfoot at the most inconvenient times and simultaneously nowhere to be found when she’s needed.  She misplaces files and misses calls and forgets assigned tasks altogether. He’s lost track of the number of times he’s passed her desk to find her taking pictures of herself; lips pouted, angle skewed.

Two weeks ago, she was probably selling tube tops at Incheon Mall and now she’s playing gatekeeper to one of the most powerful men in Seoul.  So it’s not her fault that she’s woefully unprepared for this job.

And it’s not her fault that she’s not you.

Namjoon has spent the better part of the morning debating the call he’s about to make, picking up the phone and setting it back down at least half a dozen times.  But he’s at the end of his rope, running out of patience and options.

So he swallows his pride and picks up the phone just one more time.  

You answer on the first ring.

“Mister Kim.”

God, he’s missed the sound of your voice.  

“Good morning,” he starts carefully, clearing his throat. “I’m certain you have a lot on your plate but I was wondering if you could come sit with the new girl for a few minutes.  She’s struggling a bit.”  

The line is quiet for a moment and Namjoon can practically hear your thoughts on the other end of the line.  The ones that say well that’s what you get for replacing your perfectly competent assistant with a child.

“I left notes,” is the quiet reply that comes instead.

“You did.”

“Detailed notes. Written, detailed notes.”

“Yes,” Namjoon agrees, rubbing his fingers across his mouth.  “I’m certain they were quite detailed.  It’s just that she’s having trouble following those notes because --”  

“Because she can’t read?”

Namjoon cringes.  Any small hope he had that you weren’t taking your reassignment personally dies with the abrupt delivery of that statement.

“Apparently not,” he admits lamely.

He hears the quiet sigh you take in before answering.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

*************************

There’s a moment -- just after Seokjin has walked through his office door -- when Namjoon catches a glimpse of you.

You are leaned over the new girl’s desk, lips pursed, pointing something out on the computer screen.  Namjoon freezes when you look up and lock eyes with him just as the door swings shut.

Christ, is he ever going to be able to look at you without feeling like he’s had the wind knocked out of him?

He turns to find Seokjin staring at him, one brow raised.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Namjoon exhales, shoving a hand through his hair as he walks back to his desk.  “I’m fine. You said you wanted to talk about something?”

“I do,” Seokjin starts, helping himself to a seat. “Two things, actually. Both pertaining to the amazing new assistant you so generously gifted me.”

Namjoon’s nails dig into the palm of his hand.

“Go on.”

“Apparently she’s some kind of whiz with numbers,” Seokjin continues, unbothered by his strained response.  “I gave her a few of the books to look over and she already found a couple of our guys in the Songpa district skimming off the top. I’ll bet there’s even more where that came from and she’ll find it.  She’s got a good eye.”

Namjoon feels pride stir in his chest.  Yet again, you exceed expectations.  

“Send Yoongi and Hoseok to Songpa tonight,” he murmurs.  “I’ll be curious to hear what kind of explanation our friends come up with for their lapses in accounting.”

Seokjin nods.

“Will do.  So the other thing --” he pauses for a beat, like he’s trying to figure out how to carefully deliver what he has to say next.  “I know you asked me to try and figure out what’s going on with her and I think I have.  You’re right, she’s struggling with some personal issues.”

Namjoon leans forward in his chair, body rigid.

“Let me hear it.”

*************************

YOU

The new girl is a fucking disaster.

You have yet to figure out why she can’t work the printers or can’t read a simple spreadsheet when you know for fact she knows how to beam her selfies all the way to the goddamned moon.

It’s infuriating.

Just like it’s infuriating to see her seated at what should be your desk, doing what should be your job, working for the man who should be your boss.  

Figure shit out, you’d love to tell her.  Sink or swim, that’s how the real world works.  

The idea of letting her fail so dismally that Namjoon has no choice but to beg for you back is tempting.  But then he’d picked up the phone to personally ask you to help.

And apparently you are incapable of denying that man anything.

You’ve stayed late every day this week to review the spreadsheets Seokjin has given you to audit because of the extra time you’ve had to put aside to help the new girl navigate foreign concepts like filing and scheduling.

The numbers tell an interesting story.

The rumors about Kim Namjoon’s skill as a businessman don’t give him enough credit.  Money is pouring into the Gajog, hand over fist, from every major district in the city.  Billions of won flow into the organization from legitimate and not as legitimate revenue streams alike.  Combine the numbers and Kim Namjoon controls an empire worth trillions.

You stare at the sums and your mind flips back to your unexpected pay raise. It’s no wonder Namjoon can afford to be so generous.

It’s no wonder so many of the street-level men who work for him seem to be helping themselves to more than their fair share.  

It took you a few days to identify the patterns, comparing the new intake sheets to the old ones, but once you did the missing money practically jumped off the page.  Just a few audits in and you’d already been able to find at least 119 million won unaccounted for.

The Kim Namjoon you know is reserved and unflappable -- but this is information that’s bound to piss even him off.  

What is a man like him like when he’s angry?

You shudder at the thought.

Before long, the night sky stares back at you from the window across from your desk and you decide it’s well past time you went home.  You sort everything into neat piles and leave yourself organized notes before packing up to leave.

***************************

There’s no answer from your mother when you call to her from the hallway.  

You frown as you make your way to her bedroom, worry melting away when you find her asleep in her chair.  Her head is bent at a sharp angle, and you immediately move to help her prop her up.

Her eyes open to slits, unfocused from sleep and medication.

“Ttal,” she whispers, grimacing as she straightens out the crick in her neck.

“Eomma,” you whisper in a hushed rebuke. “We’ve talked about this.  You can’t fall asleep in this chair, it’s terrible for you.”

She nods slowly, pointing to a glass of water on her nightstand.  You hand it to her, but it wobbles in her weak grip and you take hold of it to help her drink before setting it aside.

“I’m hurting tonight,” she admits.  

“I know,” you sigh, heart breaking. “Come, let me help you into bed.”

The process is painstaking.  You help hoist her frail frame out of the chair and over to the side of the bed then work carefully to help her lie back.  There’s no meat on her anymore, just skin and bones, so you tuck her blankets carefully around her legs and arms until you’re certain she’s not shivering anymore.

You know this isn’t working.  

It doesn’t matter how many calls you make over the course of a day to check in, or how many well-meaning neighbors drop in to help, leaving your mother alone for hours in this state is a dangerous gamble.  

You fight back tears of frustration.  You grew up without siblings and your father has been gone for years. Being alone is something you’ve had a long time to get used to.  

But you’ve still never felt as alone as you do right now.

You think in the quiet for a while, stroking your fingers across your mother’s upturned palm, unsure of what to say, unsure of what to do.  

Unsure of what comes next.

“Kim Namjoon grew up to be such a handsome man,” your mother rasps.

The steady stroke of your fingers comes to an abrupt halt as the fine hairs on the nape of your neck stand on end.

“Excuse me?”

Your mother doesn’t repeat herself.

“Eomma,” you urge, nudging her hand with yours.  “What is this talk of Kim Namjoon?”

Her lips quirk when she closes her eyes like she’s recalling a pleasant memory.

“His mother was beautiful,” she breathes quietly. “God smiled on that boy. He looks nothing like his father.”

The dull panic that’s already started to pulse in your chest sharpens to a point.

She has to be hallucinating.  

She has to be taking too much medicine because nothing she’s saying makes any sense.  You fumble for the bottles on her nightstand, pulling off the caps and pouring the pills out onto the tabletop.  You count them over and over until you’re satisfied your mother hasn’t taken a dangerous amount of drugs.

“Eomma, why are you talking about Kim Namjoon?” you plead. “Help me understand.”

But when you look back to your mother, you realize your words are already falling on deaf ears. She’s slipped back into a sleep state once again.

If only it were that easy for you.

When you finally get to crawl into bed a short while later, you toss and turn all night.  

Somewhere in the haze between asleep and awake you dream of Kim Namjoon.

*************************

Your mother’s mental clarity is always better in the morning.  

After she’s had a night of rest -- and whatever medicine she’s taken has had some time to wear off -- she’s much more alert, much more like her old self.  But you still weren’t able to get anything by way of answers out of her as you made breakfast this morning.

You’d made her favorite cold cucumber soup before carefully broaching the subject of last night’s strange conversation.  You’d waited patiently for some kind of explanation about why she mentioned a man she hasn’t spoken of in years.

It didn’t come.

There was something odd about the way your mother went completely quiet at your mention of Namjoon.  Something odd about how adamant she was about not having any memory of the conversation at all.

That odd look on her face is the one thought on your mind as you make your way to work in a complete fog.  You slip into an open elevator and hit the button for your floor on autopilot.

You don’t even realize that you’re not alone until a soft voice interrupts your thoughts.

“I remember you.”

Your eyes flick up from their unseeing stare at your shoes to a young woman standing against the elevator’s back wall.  

“Miss Kim,” you breathe, brushing an errant hair out of your face.  Your cheeks are still stinging from the cold. “Good morning.”

Namjoon’s sister is a beautiful woman, without a doubt — but until this moment, you hadn’t realized how much she resembles her brother.  They have the same striking features, the same smooth skin and high cheekbones and full lips.  

They share the same dark, kind eyes.

“I remember you now,” she repeats, mouth curving into a smile.  “I knew I recognized you, but it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I finally connected the dots.”

“Well, I wasn’t around a lot when we were kids,” you admit shyly. “So that’s certainly understandable.”

“That’s true,” she agrees.  “And I try not to think back to those times a lot but you made an impression on me.  You were always so sweet.”

Your cold cheeks seem to warm at her compliment.

“Thank you.”

The elevator stops at her floor but she seems reluctant to end the conversation.  She leans against the door to prop it open.

“My brother,” she asks carefully, “Is he treating you well?  Is he a fair boss?”

You clear your throat, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

“Well, he’s not my boss anymore,” you admit.  “He replaced me not long ago.  But yes, he was very fair when I worked for him.”

Her lips part in a soft gesture of surprise when you deliver that news.  

She’s quiet until the elevator blares a loud reminder that it’s time to close the doors.  She smiles at you on her way out the door, opting not to comment on the quality of her brother’s staffing decisions.  

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she murmurs. “But I’m still really glad you’re here.”

****************************

An inviting scent is the first thing you notice when you get home that night.  

The second thing you notice are the voices.

You make your way down the long hallway with careful steps, trying to place the sound of the voice coming from your mother’s bedroom.  It doesn’t sound like Mrs. Sim -- in fact, it doesn’t sound like anyone you know.

You stop short at the sight that greets you when you round the corner.

A woman -- a complete stranger is in your mother’s room.

You stand frozen in shock as you watch the stranger read to your mother from her seated position in the chair next to the bed.  She looks up from the page when she realizes you’re there, giving you a better look at her pleasant, aged face.

“Aish,” she startles, clapping a hand over her chest.  “Here I was, worried about scaring you and instead you’re the one giving me a fright.”

It takes you a moment to find your voice.

“Forgive me,” you start weakly, “But who are you?  And how did you get into this house?”

The woman stands to adjust the pillow under your mother’s head before meeting you in the doorway.  “She’s resting now,” she says, nodding at your mother’s still form on the bed.  “Why don’t we talk in the kitchen?”

Should you be screaming right now? Calling the police?  

There’s no good explanation for why you do neither and decide instead to follow this complete stranger into your kitchen instead.  She walks to the stove to stir whatever she has cooking in the pot.

“Get off those feet,” she admonishes kindly. “I’m sure you’ve had a long day.”

Again you comply, inexplicably following orders.  

“I made Budae Jjigae,” she explains, ladling some of the stew into a bowl.  She sets it down in front of you, and you stare back at her like an idiot.  The stew smells amazing, and you’re immediately hit with a well-timed hunger pang.

“Who are you?” you ask again.

“My name is Jinjoo,” she replies sweetly, handing you a spoon.  “And I work for you now.”

“You work for me,” you repeat slowly.

“I do,” Jinjoo nods.  “Mister Kim hired me.”

The spoon clatters loudly against the lip of the bowl when you drop it.  For a moment, it’s hard to breathe. You have to wait for the strange sensation that snakes up your spine to subside before you speak again.

“Mister Kim.”  You echo her again, dumbly.

Jinjoo takes a seat next to you at the table, radiating a patient kindness that makes you want to give into the urge to trust her.  She smiles reassuringly at you, voice soothing when she speaks again.

“Yes. He said you needed help with your mother, and I can understand why.  I nursed in hospitals for decades, dear.  I can see your mother is in a bad way.”

You blink back at Jinjoo in stunned silence.

“I assure you, I’ll give your mother the best quality care,” she vows, patting one of your hands with her own.  “And Mister Kim has already paid me well in advance, so don’t even think about trying to get rid of me.”

That statement almost makes you laugh.  

You don’t want to get rid of Jinjoo at all.  Ten minutes ago you had no idea she existed and in the span of one conversation she’s become one of the most important people you know.  Tears well in your eyes as you stare into your bowl of stew, at a total loss for words.  

Jinjoo seems to sense how overwhelmed you are.  She gives you some space to process what’s going on, stroking one soft hand over your shoulder when she stands to leave.

“Eat something, dear.  I’m gonna go sit with your mother for a while.”

You look up at her with watery eyes and nod, reaching for the spoon.

“This smells really good,” you say softly.

“Well, I’m a great cook.  You’ll see,” she promises.

“Jinjoo -- “ you call out after her as she walks away.  “Thank you,” you manage, voice thick with emotion.  “I can’t thank you enough.”

The corners of her eyes crinkle when her mouth curves into a smile.

“You’re welcome.”

**********************

Jinjoo’s stew was delicious -- not that you had the chance to fully appreciate it.  

You’d sat in that kitchen alone for some time, eating slowly while you tried to process yet another bombshell in what seemed to be a series of them.  Everything that’s happened to you since Namjoon reassigned you has been a whirlwind; from the sudden pay raise to the sudden arrival of Jinjoo.

You eat the last of the stew with your stomach in knots.

Namjoon knows your mother is sick.  And you don’t know how to feel about it.

A part of you feels exposed when you think about him uncovering the sad details of your mother’s health battle. But knowing that he stepped in to help you fight it makes you feel something you haven’t felt in years.  

Cared for.

The sound of laughter from your mother’s bedroom echoes down the hall and you stand to follow it.  

Her favorite variety show is playing on the small TV in front of her bed, and it appears Jinjoo is a fan, too.  You lean in the doorway and watch the women giggle at the silly skit.  It’s been a long time since you’ve heard the sound of your mother’s laugh.  

It makes you smile.

“Jinjoo, could you give us a moment, please?”

You almost hate to interrupt the instant camaraderie between the two women but you recognize that your mother is in the midst of a rare moment of clarity.  You have to strike while the iron is hot.

“Of course,” she agrees, standing.

You wait until the sound of her footsteps fades away before taking her place in the worn chair next to your mother’s bed.  Your mother smiles at you, taking one of your hands into her own.  

You squeeze her fingers gently.

“Eomma, no more secrets,” you murmur.  “Tell me the truth.  Did Kim Namjoon come here?”

Your mother swallows thickly before nodding.

“He asked me not to tell you,” she admits.  “He said he didn’t want you to refuse his help.”

You shut your eyes and imagine Namjoon in your home, in this room. Speaking to your mother.  Making plans to send Jinjoo.  Your chest squeezes so tight that for a moment it’s hard to breathe.

“Okay,” you concede quietly.  You maintain the appearance of careful calm because you don’t want to make your mother feel worse than she already does., “It’s alright Eomma, I’m not angry, I promise.”

A peculiar look passes over her face.  Her eyes dart away from yours and that’s all it takes for you to know you don’t have the full story.  You decide to toughen your stance.

“Look at me, Eomma,” you say firmly.  “If there’s anything I don’t know, you need to tell me right now.  I need to know all of it.  Everything.”

“I -- “

“Just tell me what it is,” you repeat, patience hanging by a thread.

Your mother sighs, lifting one weak hand in the direction of her dresser.  You turn to stare at the pile of papers stacked there, realization dawning in an instant.  You move on unsteady legs to walk over and take hold of them.

Radiology, pulmonology, chemotherapy.  

You know exactly how much is owed on each of those bills because the numbers are burned into your mind. Those numbers are the reason you leave your mother for hours on end every day to go to work.  Those numbers are the reason why it’s so hard to sleep at night.

You don’t realize that your hands are shaking until you hear the papers rustling.

Every bill bears the same neat, handwritten marking.

paid -- knj

***************************

NAMJOON

Namjoon watched his sister leave early tonight with Hoseok. Seokjin is out to dinner with his wife.  And Yoongi is off doing -- well, whatever the hell Yoongi does when he’s not around.

There’s no one here tonight to tell Namjoon to go home.  No one to point out that he’s had too much to drink or that it’s happening far too often.

So he pours another scotch.

The glass sweats in his hand as he stands in front of his window, deep in thought.

Thinking about you.

Thinking about the way you struggled in silence, caring for your mother alone -- too proud to ask for help. The way you catered to Namjoon’s every need and whim without ever making mention of yours.  The way he’d let it go on for far too long, selfishly wrapped up in the way you made him feel.

“That girl is going to get you killed.”

Namjoon tells himself the sound of your voice is a figment of his imagination, an entirely predictable side-effect of too much scotch.  But it’s followed quickly by your soft footsteps against the plush carpet in his office and both sounds are too real to ignore.

He turns to assess you, quietly sipping his drink.

Fuck, you are beautiful.  

You have no right turning up here tonight -- looking like that -- testing him when he is at his weakest.  Your dark eyes flash with something like a challenge and Namjoon feels his blood warm.

“That girl is never at her desk and she has no idea who’s coming or going,” you accuse quietly.  “She’s putting you at risk.”

Namjoon concedes your point with a slow half-smirk that teases the edge of his mouth.

“Perhaps,” he admits.  “But there are different kinds of risk.  Maybe you put me at risk, too.”

He shouldn’t take pleasure from the way your eyes go wide at that statement.  Or from the way you overcompensate by standing taller, chin lifted high.

But he does.

“Mister Kim -- “ you start.

“ -- Namjoon,” he interrupts.  “Don’t you think it’s time you called me Namjoon? Haven’t we known one another since we were kids?”

“Namjoon,” you correct yourself, taking a deep breath. “I know about everything.  Jinjoo, the bills, all of it.”

Namjoon says nothing for a moment, draining his glass before setting it down on his desk with a heavy thud.

“Why?” you ask quietly.  “Why did you do this for me?”

Because I would do anything for you.  

He doesn’t voice that thought out loud.  He knows he shouldn’t.

But he also knows he shouldn’t be closing the distance between you right now, and he’s doing that anyway.  He steps closer, quietly, and you swallow hard, thrown by his silence and his advance.

“That’s not -- that’s not something you do for an employee,” you protest, slowly backing away.  You stop only when the ledge of his desk hits you on the backside.  

“The late nights and the extra hours.  Everything else you did,” Namjoon murmurs, stepping close, chest rising and falling with his deep breaths.  “Did you do that for your boss?  Or did you do that for me?”

He leans closer, caging your body against his desk.  Your lips part in surprise and Namjoon forces himself not to react when your tongue slips out to wet them.

“Namjoon, I -- ” your voice is barely above a whisper when you find it.  “-- I don’t understand you right now.”

“How could I have every resource at my fingertips and not help you?” he asks, reaching one hand out to cup your face.  The pad of his thumb ghosts over your lips and you shudder under his touch.  “Why didn’t you come to me when you knew I could help?”

“I don’t know,” you admit, pupils blown and cheeks flushed.

“You should have come to me,” he admonishes quietly.  You lean into the touch of his hand.  “I would have given you anything you asked for. Anything.”

“I understand that,” you say quietly, the tremor in your voice betraying your attempt at calm.  “Because I would give you anything you asked for, too.”

Something about the way you say that snaps Namjoon back to reality.  

He looks down at you like he’s only just now realized that he’s loaded on scotch, leaning you over his desk -- and well on his way to taking advantage of this situation.  He tenses, pulling away.

“This is -- this is not --” he sputters pathetically for a moment.  “Go home,” he pleads.  “Please.”

He’s never hated himself as much as he does right now -- when you’re looking up at him with hurt and confusion in those wide, dark eyes.

“Go home before I do something I can’t take back.”

************************

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[soyouareandrewdobson]

Doing something for fun: RPGs about broken anuses.

As promised, after the abomination that was the Sam arc, I am now going to write random posts about more positive/fun things. However, I also decided to add a little twist to them and correlate them in some way thematically to Dobson. E.g. by reviewing a game/show that does all the things Dobson hates/obsesses about/or fails at right.

 And my first entry in that regard is related to a videogame that came out a couple of years ago, based on a tv show Dobson claims to hate. South Park: The fractured but whole.

 Seeing how the game is 3+ years old at this time and there have been tons of reviews & walkthroughs showing how good and fun the game is, I do not really want to cover the plot and all the things that make it great in detail. Lets just say you can really feel that Parker and Stone were heavily involved in the writing of the game, as it is filled to the brim with references to the show and the typical satirical humor of it, that in parts manages to cross the line even further for me than the show. Right from the start you get a very dark but smart social joke and commentary out of the way, when as you set up your characters looks and the difficulty of the game, it is the tone of your skin that decides how hard the game gets. Meaning if you play as a black person, you are having a very hard time. It is not too preachy, just an acknowledgment that yes, in American society, blacks can have it harder compared to white people. Especially when living in a town like South Park, where social standing is pretty low and the police force is inherently corrupt and racist, doing something so outrageously to black people, I do not want to spoil it. Let’s just say it ends in a better Lovecraft joke than any of the shit SJWs did in light of censoring Call of Cthulhu board rpgs.

The overall plot is simple: While last time the kids played fantasy and things escalated quickly as they do in South Park, this time they play superheroes, with two fractions having formed: Coon and Friends vs the Freedom Pals and things escalating just as quickly. What starts off as the hunt for a missing cat to earn a 100$ reward Cartman wants to use to start a multi billion dollar movie franchise just like Marvel, turns soon into the player and his friends having to fight a real crime conspiracy thought up by one of South Park’s most nefarious characters, which also involves genetic mutations, time travel and eldritch horrors. Thankfully you, the “New Kid” from the last game, even after losing all your previous powers thanks to no one playing fantasy anymore, gain new superhero powers, make friends with the South Park kids again and even learn new fart techniques by none other than Morgan Freeman, that help you out along the way. All while also slowly revealing more about your backstory hinted on in the previous game and the tragedy of your dad having had intercourse with your mother.

 Being a South Park and RPG fan for years, I wanted to play this game for quite some time, but only managed to do so recently. And even if I spoiled myself massively over time with cutscenes and major battles online, this game is still fun (thanks in part also to the fact I watched the cutscenes years ago and by now forgot a lot of them).  The turn based battle system is way more interesting than last time by also depending on you positioning the characters on the field in a strategy based RPG style, there are lots of classes to choose and powers to combine (I myself going for elementalist, assassin, plantmancer and blaster currently) and you have a ton of allies in the game. The original cast of the four main boys, Jimmy and Butters has expanded significantly in this game with characters such as SUPER CRAIG, Clyde as the blood sucking MOSQUITO, Token as TUPPERWARE and Wendy as the social media huntress CALL GIRL (yes, that is her name) and they all are fun to interact and play with, with each one having their own unique sets of moves and finishers once again. Even outside of the battle, thanks to the writing, there are always great lines from them to get when interacting or taking missions from them. I especially came to love Tweek and Craig, who are not just decent fighters (Tweek in particular is a great elementalist) , but in this game are also now a couple ever since that yaoi episode from South Park. Helping them reconcile after a bad break up over the course of the game just feels surprisingly nice, mostly because unlike other LGBT celebrating media out there (Korra and She Ra  e.g.) none of the characters crosses some sort of moral line where you question why they deserve to be together (Hello, Catra), it is not heavily handed garbage fishing for brownie points and it is obvious through dialogue and actions they care for each other, even if they are at first going through a bad break up as only South Park could ridiculously portray it.

 Overall, the game is also surprisingly “inclusive” and socially relevant without being preachy about it, if you ask me. From the aforementioned skin color thing, to LGBT representation via Tweek and Craig, the police being involved in a plot that especially nowadays is sadly more relevant than ever (mind you, I do not believe that in real life all cops are bad, but in my opinion bad eggs on both sides certainly led to the current situation in the US and that is all I say) to the fact you can over the course of the game decide not just if you are playing as a boy or a girl, but even something in-between, a cis-/transgendered person and decide your race, religion as well as to whom you are sexually attracted to. Granted, I barely see how it has any bearing on the game’s plot, but I appreciate the following things: a) the inclusion of the possibility to decide on those factors itself, making creating your character even more fun (a basic right others demand for certain games nowadays in all the wrong ways) and b) that the game does not make the biggest of deals about it. See, I am under the impression that often times the most progressive and inclusive thing is to just let the story and personality of a character speak for itself, instead of the fact that it also identifies by a specific gender, sexuality, race or other allignment. In fact focusing on those things on a character only is something I consider ”positive stereotyping”, which for me is just racism in the opposite direction. And if you no think I am going off track here and need to be beaten up by someone who genuinely has some grip on pc culture, don’t worry. This game features PC Principal actually doing an ok job teaching you about microaggressions in his typical PC Principal manner, which in itself becomes a relevant move in future battles and is hilarious to watch. Speaking of the new kid, putting things like your chance to gender identify yourself with it in more detail (which you can also adjust again later on in game if you feel like it) aside, for a silent protagonist he/she/it can have a nice level of debt to it, if you look too much into it.

 Not only does it have a funny backstory explaining its fart and social media powers, there are recurring scenes of the kid’s parents being on each others throat and the kid just silently eating dinner for the night that genuinely feel sad and create sympathy in our little FartLord to the point you just want the kid to go out there, have an adventure and hopefully find a way to change its parents for good, cause it is obvious they love the kiddo, but damn do they need to cut off the substance abuse.

 Storywise you get something out of this game that is way more entertaining and hilarious than the last two seasons of the show combined (FUCK the season of 2019) and game content wise you are also rewarded with a lot of shit, just for exploring the town. Be it you finding hidden yaoi fanart that earns you money, your allies helping you solve puzzles that reward you with exp and new costumes to further customize your outfit, making new friends on Coonstagram by taking selfies with all the major and minor characters of the town, helping Big Gay Al finding his missing cats, stumbling upon Memberberries, forging new artifacts to increase your strength, finding summons… all stuff that helps you not just gain exp and become stronger, but also makes you enjoy going through South Park outside of the main story content. In fact I spend a majority of my first twelve hours in this game only wrapping up the prologue missions and first two chapter of the game, while otherwise talking with as many people in town as possible, exploring the stores and houses, doing side missions etc. just for the fun of interacting with the characters and the world they are part of.

 Now, how does all of that relate to Dobson?

Well lets see…

 Game based on something he hates that has however rightfully more success than he ever deserves, with lots of political commentary and satire for years in its humor? Check.

 Game itself having more of that commentary done right then Dobson in his own comics and story attempts? Check

 LGBT representation via Tweek and Craig as well as Big Gay Al that does not feel too stereotypical despite Al himself being extremely stereotypical in design? Check

 Some pretty decent/hilarious female characters in the game once you know them? (again, Call Girl and Classi, who fucks the L out of the A-S-S) Check.

 Being a style of game he hates for no apparent reason, but executed well (RPGs)? Check

 Thematically focused on superheroes, a trend he is obsessed about, but here both appreciating while also poking good fun at common tropes of it and the marketing of the MCU, in doing so just highlighting how much of a mindless consumer Dobson is? Check

 Being a game where you can also play as any gender and race and its not turned into a “groundbreaking” industry changing feature pandering to minorities that in the eyes of corporations are just a market to exploit, not people? Check

 Heck, if Dobson was not a biased idiot, the game would be perfect for him. It even panders to his toilet fetish in videogames.

 Kid you not: a mini game in the game itself features the possibility to go to every toilet in town and shit in it. The process of defecation itself being a rhythm game and you earning exp from it once you took enough dumps. And considering Dobson once spend hours in Skyrim looking for outhouses, that sounds right up Dobson’s back alley.

 Bottom line, this game is fun. If you like South Park, superheroes and RPGs, this game is perfect for you. And seeing how it has been a few years since it came out, I think it should be possible to get a cheap copy of it somewhere. Go on, play it. But always remember: Never fart on another dude’s balls. It is just not the polite thing to do.

[slothgiirl]

Y/N and Harry Styles soulmate au

“I don't know why you're dragging your feet so much,” Lydia mutters, “you like the band.” She's still fixing her hair and makeup, appraising her reflection in the mirror as you pour out a couple of clean shot glasses full of vodka. You're all out of juice so you'll have to bear the sting as it goes down. “And you're not even paying.”

The concert tickets had been a gift to Lydia from her ex boyfriend Graham. They had broken up a week ago when his soulmate mark had started itching, blurry name solidifying into a name as he spent more and more time with his soulmate, and now she was forcing you to come with. 

You sigh, twirling a strand of hair in your fingers, before shrugging. “I'm not into concerts much I guess.”

In all honestly you hadn't even put up much of a fight other than initially saying you weren't that interested. But she was your friend and that triumphed all. 

While people commonly and tentatively dated while waiting for that itch, for that casual bumping into the one, it still sucked to get dumped. To be left waiting for your person amongst billions.

“Who isn't into concerts,” she replies in disbelief, shaking her head, kinky hair slicked back into two cute and tiny buns. “And you like the band!”

You shrug again, helplessly. “They're just not my thing,” you tell her as she knocks back two shots. It was all about the pregame.

It's not even that you’d rather stay in and watch tv or youtube or sleep or anything. It just really wasn't your thing. You'd been to a few shows in your fresher year at uni, and it hadn't been as great as you'd imagined.

She rolls her perpetually narrowed eyes, giving her the infamous resting bitch face. It was her superpower you'd both joked, keeping people away from her on the bus. “Well I promise you'll have lots of fun! How could you not with me?”

At that, you can't help but laugh, smiling over at her, “I'll hold you to that.”

“Okay then let's go.”

*

The loud heavy bass and vodka do their job, sinking down into your brain, hammering all else away as you dance along to the music with one of your closest friends right there besides you. Lydia for her part, looks a lot better. She hadn't truly looked happy since she'd learned that her ex had found his soulmate.

Now she was dancing, shimmery highlighter visible even in the dim lighting.

Looking out our as she finishes off her pina colada like it'll single handedly transport her back to the beaches of spain.

“I'll get you another,” you whisper loudly in her ear, trying to make yourself understood over the noise. It's the least you could do and she deserves it.

“Hurry back,” is her reply, barely audible over the music being played. They were just as good as you thought they would be, given the music they made. The vibe was completely different then listening via your headphones.

It was cool. Not that you'd be admitting that anytime so, you thought as you approached the bar, tucked into an alcove. The bartender looking cooler than the girl from Scott Pilgrim. The effortless and disinterested cool that you'd strived for and failed to ever achieve during your teen angst.

You still wouldn't go out of your way to see a band live.

“Pina colada and a beer,” you ask the bartender, already forking over an arm and a leg for both drinks. You both should slow down. But Lydia deserved to get it all out, so that left you to play the role of responsible adult. Which was laughable. Your laundry only ever got done because you ran out of clean underwear.

“Is it cool to see free shows all the time,” you ask the bartender while she finishes making the drinks.

She shrugs non committedly, “it’s less cool after a while. Tips are pretty good though.”’

You take both drinks, making your way back over, accidentally bumping into someone despite your best efforts to avoid it.  “Sorry,” you’re already saying before they can finish turning around.

The man’s tall, attractive, and vaguely familiar, but it’s too dark to see his features clearly. Smiling kindly as he responds, “ ‘s alright.”

You smile back in acknowledgement before making your way over to your friend. “Holy shit was that Harry Styles,” she yells to you over the music.

Shrugging, you tell her, “a thank you would be nice.”

She rolls her eyes, before continuing, “my little brother’s going to freak! He loves Harry styles. Think I can get a picture after?”

“Maybe,” you tell her, “though I doubt he wants to be approached when he’s just hanging out. I mean,” you trail off. Celebrity or not, being approached by strangers must be tiring.

“If it happens it happens,” she waves off, swaying to the music with her eyes closed, drink in hand.

You shake your head fondly, laughing. Scratching absentmindedly at your wrist in your drunken haze. 

*

It does happen.

Lydia’s smiling, wiping the sweat from her brow as you make your way outside after the music’s over and the band’s played their last note. You’re tired and already feeling how tired you’ll be in the morning during work.

She spots him, first, smoking a blunt with his friends on the curb, streets emptying out as everyone heads home after the concert. With the street lights you can better make out his world recognized features, large kind eyes and plush lips pulled into an easy smile with a strong jaw. He really was that attractive.

Shamelessly Lydia heads over, “hey can I get a pic to gloat to my brother,” she says, alcohol clearly running through her veins.

You snort, bringing you hand up to cover your mouth as you follow her over.

“Sure,” he says easily, passing the blunt over to one of his friends who rolls his eyes. They must all be used to it by now. “What’s you name love?”

“Lydia.” She says before she turns on you, “take the photo.” More a command then a question.

“Selfies are a thing,” Harry adds, looking over at you casually. You smile at him, suppressing the giggles at how ridiculous this whole situation was. Despite living in London for uni, you’d never actually seen any famous people.

It probably had to do with all the time spent in class.

“I don’t do selfies,” Lydia explains self importantly.

He snorts, laughing loudly.

“She’s always like this,” you tell him, swiping your phone into camera mode as she goes to stand right by him. He throws an arm around her and they smile as you take a couple of pictures. “Got it.”

“And your name,” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

You tell him, though you doubt he’ll remember by tomorrow. Harry Styles probably meets many people, too many to remember.

“Want a picture too,” he says half teasing half seriously, a thread of politeness running through the whole interaction.

“What for,” you utter bluntly, flushing beet red as you realize what you just said.

He laughs though, smiling brightly at you. It’s a nice smile. And it’s focused at you. “Ouch, you just went right for my fragile ego.”

Your cheeks are burning for sure now. It’s only good luck that it’s dark and he probably can’t tell. You still won’t say sorry though. It was a whole project you’d come up with for school and you refused to have to write down the time you said sorry to Harry Styles in your report. “Your words not mine,” you respond evenly.

“Well it was nice to meet you both,” he states warmly. “Take care.”

“Thanks,” you say, waving goodbye before you turn and walk off with Lydia who’s giggling madly the way only drunk people can.

“Wow I can’t take you anywhere,” she tells you, her hand tucked into your arm, leaning against you as you head to the nearest tube station.

“Shut up.”

“And you didn’t want to come,” she sing songs. “Would’ve missed meeting out on every preteens crush!”

You shake your head, laughing, “every?”

“You know what I meant!”

“It’s also not 2013 anymore,” you add. “Do preteens even know who one direction is anymore?”

“My brother does,” she retorts, smirking wickedly, “and he’s going to be so jealous.”

“Bet.”

[cockbiteproductions]

primed to scream PRIMES! PRIMES! PRIMES!!

f i just typed the answer to most of these questions and chrome crashed so christ i have to fucking retype all these but much condensed because i am lazy.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

chocolate bars. but only milk. my mom buys exclusively Very Dark Chocolate though so i usually just stare at those and Wish.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

well bubblegum or cotton candy flavored stuff neither they both taste nauseating. if we’re talking about the actual stuff then bubblegum because i can pop it. this actually reminded me i have gum in the pantry from the beginning of the semester i havent even opened yet so now my roommates have you to thank for popping noises the next hr or so

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

soda bottles because i dont like to drink soda quickly and so i want to close it and not let the carbon dioxide escape. soda cans a close second because it’s satisfying to open the tab.

7. earbuds or headphones?

wired earbuds because headphones are too big and clunky and you cant easily lay on your side with headphones on. but if my next pair of earbuds break within a month i might consider Switching because ive had 3 break on me in the past month and half and im at my wits end with earbuds.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

i dont eat much for breakfast cause i want to sleep in until the last possible moment and i get stomachaches when i eat a lot in the morning but ill eat a piece of bread and yogurt maybe.

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring but that’s just because i havent used a lanyard before. i think i would like a lanyard. im constantly looking for my keys in bags.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

this pair of black sandals that i have tan lines on my feet from how much ive worn them

19. sleeping position?

ill sleep however... i like sleeping on my left side. on my stomach with my head to the right. on my back with my arms crossover my chest to keep warm. at the end of the bed with my head where my feet should be. i dont move at all when i sleep so freshman year when i had a lofted bed i think my roommate was a bit concerned in the beginning when i refused a bedrail because she thought i might fall. i never fell which was nice.

23. strange habits?

oh man idk i probably have a lot of those but nothing i can think about right now when im being put on the spot.

in elementary school i used to refuse to step on the yellow tiles at school.

29. best way to bond with you?

talk to me about the stuff i love!!!! and watch the stuff i love with me!!!! i am always down to [whatever the rabb.it replacement is these days] stuff with people and just generally both yell at each other and be passionate about stuff. currently what im passionate about is the stuff im screaming over at @winstonbillions​ so talk to me about that stuff!! please. i am always 3 seconds from screaming about ANY of that stuff.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

idk about outfits to kick ass and take names but i have outfits where i get my ass kicked and name taken aka what i wear to exams. which is my tower of pimps shirt which ive deemed lucky. is it lucky in any way? no, but i’m hoping if i wear it enough to exams it might.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag. suitcases are so large and unwieldily. that reminds me i have a suitcase of winter clothes in my trunk i need to take out.

41. last person you texted?

as in actual texts on my phone? that would be my dad. asking him if i should drop my class im failing. 

as for the last person i instant messaged, that would be one of my mutuals through my musical theater sideblog im currently yelling at about [musical theater related interest]. im not kidding guys talk to me about the stuff i post about on @winstonbillions​ PLEASE

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

2 months ago i would have said hoodie but im kinda becoming a cardigan kind of person now. theyre just Soft and and Long and Casual and i love them. hoodies are too hard to take off.

47. favorite type of cheese?

mild cheddar, american, and mozzarella. i actually only Recently started cataloging cheeses in my brain to their actual names so for my entire life i was like i just like cheese even though there are certain ones i hate like swiss and blue cheese.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

a bit cold and a bit tired from typing all the answers to all these asks tbh. but other than that good. i just cut my nails because they were atrociously long. 

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“worm” or “fuck” or “no!” according to my roommate

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

oh my ogdokh oym ogdos sd fdospohm to mo edf ucmign fugod mfyo uacant just ask me this im going to absolutely die

in absolutely no order, all from completely from memory, and favorite for a variety of different reasons

“fuck you, math man. if you’re such a genius why can’t you count to loyalty” - mafee in 4x11 lamster billions

“captain, he think, and feels that much more powerful” - luminousbeings in you don’t have to (say yes) the star trek fic

“more than you know, i understand wanting to walk away from the jedi”“i know.” - anakin skywalker and ahsoka tano in 5x12 the wrong jedi star wars the clone wars

“i won’t leave you, not this time.” “then you will die” - ahsoka tano and darth vader in 2x12 twilight of the apprentice star wars rebels

“there is nothing so pure as a man on a mission. when faced with the fire, never quivers or runs. there is nothing so noble as sticking together, for lonely is the life lead when sticking to its guns." - narrator in bloodsong of love by joe iconis

“now i’ve got myself a name and i’m ready to risk it with a battle cry disguised as a sing-along” - never heard nothing by joe iconis

“i’m frickin done with being the loser, the wuss, the underdog. being the misfit, the old school analog. being the oddball, the weakling freak. the failure, the sucker, the please-don’t-speak. oh i can’t hardly wait for the moment when i’m not the loser the geek or whatever, ever again” - jeremy heere in be more chill by joe iconis

“i’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that i am” - various in be more chill by joe iconis

“q is for quantitative, baby!” - winston in 4x12 extreme sandbox billions

“the cheering is just as important as the song” - lisa and ms. werring in the black suits by joe iconis

“first, best destiny” - spock in star trek ii wrath of khan

“be proud of your place in the cosmos. it is small, and yet it is. how unlikely. how fantastic, and stupid. and excellent.” - cecil in welcome to night vale old oak doors part b

“are we living a life that is safe from harm? of course not. we never are. the questions is are we living a life that is worth the harm?” - cecil in welcome to night vale parade day

“as I turned and my eyes beheld you, i displayed emotion. i beg forgiveness.” - spock somewhere in star trek tos

“the sky collapsed without a sound. these broken pieces hit the ground.  the rain fell down around me and i drowned, but i will save you.” - part of me from dear evan hansen

“this is, after all, the story of how i died” - epsilon in the rvb13 trailer

“and while the law has many punishments for the atrocities we inflict on others, there are no punishments for the terrors we inflict on ourselves.” - the director in the s6 finale of red vs blue

that was in no way an exhaustive list but all i could think of at the moment

67. good luck charms?

not really any tbh. i try to wear my tower of pimps shirt whenever i take an exam but that’s about it.

71. least favorite pattern?

what does this even fucking mean?????? i will say the observer design pattern in programming because i don’t understand it well despite having used it twice now.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

oh god idk why are all these questions getting harder. nothing i can think of at the moment.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i say school id tentatively, but neither of them looks great. my school id photo was a selfie.

83. writing or drawing?

writing. i wish to GOD i could draw and i probably could if i put in the amount of time i need to to learn how to draw but im a lazy bastard. but i’m not that great at writing either as i’ve found out. everything is way too short and out of character and too venty and i am weird about letting people i know read what i write (sorry @ all the people who keep asking me to let them read my writing.  it’s not that great you’re not missing out at all and i hate the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known) and i abandon ideas literal minutes after getting them.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

what the fuck kind of question is this?????? i GUESS the answer should be me but uh i am not even putting myself before myself as i am procrastinating on a shitload of homework with this. i guess my “close” friends. they’re pretty chill. but generally ill do anything for anyone all you have to do is ask.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4, my own, my home landline, my dad’s cell, and my dad’s work.

[acupofmatt-blog1]

MATT VS. NATURE

Location→ Hither Hills State Park

Date→ 08/23/19-08/25/19

Summary→ …pray for Mattycakes.

MATT VS. MOSQUITOES (AND BUGS JUST BEING VERY, VERY SCARY)

Matt always went by the motto “if you got it, flaunt it” and Matt applied this motto anytime, anywhere. Even camping. So Matt obviously wore a black sports bra and black shorts. It was sporty and Matt looked as fuck. Now, Reagan and several others advised Matt before they went hiking to “cover up” and Matt only rolled her eyes and responded with: 

           “With a body this good? She’s gonna be shown off.” Pause. “Wait are you telling me that my perfectly sculpted abs are gonna attract attention? Like…furry attention—wait I worded that wrong—like…bears?”

           Matt couldn’t be more wrong. As everyone enjoyed the hike and all the wonderful sights of nature, you could hear loud smacking every few seconds.

           “What the FUCK why do these mosquitoes keep biting me?” Matt whined as she smacked the back of her neck. “I WORE bug spray, look!” Matt showed the person next to her the bug spray.

           Much to Matt’s dismay, it was not bug spray. It was bear spray that Matt applied generously all over her body.

           Wrong B.

           Matt smacked her arm, watching bumpy, red mosquito bites forming all over arms and on her abdomen.

           “This is not the kind of sucking I signed up for.”

           The rest of the hike, Matt mostly smacked away mosquitoes and also made obnoxiously loud noises that trembled with fear. Because WHY do animals with a billion tiny legs exist???

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. THE SETTING SPRAY FAILURE

           Make-up was, and always has been, Matt’s best friend. Contour? Matt looked like some motherfucker from Roman times chiseled her face by the time she was done baking and enhancing with her Anastasia contour kit. Highlight? Matt competed with the motherfucking sun as she applied her Fenty highlight. Brows? Move over Michelangelo (not the Ninja Turtle) because Matt’s talented wrist never failed to move effortlessly and create an impeccably shaped eyebrow all thanks to her Anastasia brow kit (she really loved Anastasia beauty products, okay? As much as Fenty, if not more. Don’t tell Rihanna that though).

           Basically, Matt knew make-up like it was basic math. It was easy. She always knew what to use. So when Matt ordered Kiko Molano setting spray? She knew she’d be fine. Matt’s always used the Italian beauty product. It never failed her. Her gorgeous make up always stayed on no matter the setting. Beach day? Check. Clubbing? Check. ACup? Check. Sex? Double check.

           Matt sweating didn’t freak Matt out. She could sweat all she wanted, this make up would stay on no matter what. Matt was particularly proud of her winged eyeliner. If this motherfucking eyeliner could fly, it would be a majestic eagle because that’s how SHARP it was. Could kill someone, probably.

           After helping some of her friends who were making a fire bring the necessary items to make a bonfire, Matt was definitely sweating a bit. Matt placed her hands on her face and paused to take a breath from all the work. Matt was about to go back to her bonfire duties when she noticed something shimmery, something dark, and something cakey in her hands.

           NO.

           Matt let out the loudest scream, causing some of her friends to rush over to her in worry.

           “My SETTING SPRAY didn’t SET!” Matt informed them, showing her hands that displayed the evidence of her smeared make up. “It’s KIKO MOLANO. It’s an Italian product and all the reviews say it stays. Shit, Reagan has sat on my face and it STAYS ON. I don’t get it—hey, wait, where are you guys going?”

           Damn this Italian scam.

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. FINDING WIFI

Instagram. Memes. Vines. Tik Toks. Reddit. Snapchat. Pinterest. Netflix. Hulu.  Matt Solís loved her social media and apps. It fueled her. So to go three days with limited Wi-Fi where her ego couldn’t be fueled by thirsty comments from her hot selfies? Or to see that crying laughing emoji from someone who thought she was the funniest person on the planet (and she was)? What if a new meme trends and Matt won’t know about it?

A nightmare luv, litrally a nightmare.

So naturally, Matt made sure to dedicate time to sorta catching up with social media and asking Harper to take pictures of her “enjoying” nature for the ‘gram. Matt especially liked one where it was golden hour and Matt’s make up + amazing skin made her face glow and she looked absolutely stunning as always.

She needed that ego fuel. CRAVED IT.

Matt needed to post this picture on Instagram, so she walked around looking like she was part of the Lion King with her arm stretched out as high as she could in search of some bars.

“This is the shittiest Wi-Fi I have ever had to deal with, what the fuck?” Matt complained as she continued to idly walk around in search of the perfect spot with the perfect amount of Wi-Fi where she can post something.

Five minutes into this heartfelt journey, Matt tripped on a thick, heavy branch and cracked her phone screen. Never mind that she might’ve slightly sprained her ankle. Her phone screen.

And the worst part? Amidst her bright, cracked screen she read the words “No Signal Please Try Again.”

Now how will people ever believe she was loving this camping trip?

A tragedy luv, litrally a tragedy.

~ ~ ~ ~

MATT VS. “BEAR”

           Matt’s nightly skincare routine is something Matt did religiously. She never missed a night. Matt could be coming in from clubbing at 6 am and super drunk, but Matt would still do her skincare routine. A bitch wants to have clear skin and glow, okay? Camping would not get in the way of that, even if she hogged the bathroom.

           After finishing her nightly routine with her night cream, Matt took her time putting all her creams, serums, moisturizers, etc. back in her travelling bag before walking back outside. As soon as Matt closed the door, Matt heard a rustling.

           “GUYS, it’s not fucking funny anymore! I already heard you, anyways, dumbass.” Matt rolled her eyes. Almost everyone had taken turns in scaring her multiple times during the course of this camping trip due to Matt’s irrational fear of bears, but this was getting old.

           Matt continued to hear rustling and Matt stopped dead in her tracks. Whoever it was... would’ve jumped out by now.

           Fuck.

           Shit.

           Motherfucker.

           No fucking way.

           Nope. It was not what she was thinking.

           “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Matt mumbled to herself. What should she do? Pray? Run? Sleep in the bathroom?

           Coming out of the bushes, Matt could see the silhouette of a four-legged animal.

           It was a bear.

           It had to be.

           What else could it fucking be?

           “I can’t die like this. I’m too fucking pretty.” Matt said to herself in panic as she scrambled through her bag and took out the bear spray she brought and frantically sprayed it all over. “GET AWAY. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. I JUST PUT MY NIGHT CREAM ON!”

           Several mistakes here.  

Matt was loud.

Matt was panicking.

 Matt wasn’t spraying bear spray.

It was bug spray.

It wasn’t a bear.

It was a raccoon.

The racoon ran as soon as she screamed.

Matt is an idiot.

[colbaestories]

Colby Brock: Your scent💙

Warnings: none except I really like to cuss xD

To anybody who doesn't know: Y/N- your name

Once again you're in your hometown, billions of miles away from your friends and your crush. So you sit there in this cold-ass living room, wrapped up in three layers of blankets, zapping through the channels of your TV and sighing melancholy every once in a while. By each minute that passes by your boredom gets worse and your sighs louder. Your parents aren't even at home to see your suffering self because they are both gone hiking. You wanted to tag along with them but they went with some friends and told you to sleep in, after all it has been a long time since you really had some relaxation just by yourself. That might be true but you still barely can handle this situation right now. You remember the promise you gave your parents months ago,"I promise you, I'll be at home with you guys for at least three weeks in the summer break!You can even plan what we are going to do! "... Great job there Y/N... It's not like you don't love your parents or dislike hanging out with them it's just if you had known that they would just be gone the whole time and you would sit around with nothing to do, you would have known better. Like for example maybe make a list of what y'all could do together and not letting them plan. Anyways you love your parents dearly but you also miss your friends. You miss Corey's dance moves, Devyn's make-up tips, Sam's challenges, Kat's hugs, Aaron's singing, Elton's traveling ideas, Amanda's laughter, Brennen's nicknames for you and who you miss the most is the wonderful Colby Brock. While your thumb is still zapping through the thousands of channels your mind drifts off, "What might they all be up to right now? I kinda wonder what Colby is doing... should I text him? What if he's working right now and I'm just bothering him? I might be thinking too much.." You shake your head to get all of this thoughts outta your head. Suddenly your phone starts vibrating. With a lazy groan you roll over to unlock this noise-maker. As soon as you see who texted you, you jump off the couch with pure excitement:It's Colby! After you've finished your happy dance and totally failing at the attempt to play the air-guitar, you open the chat.

Colby: "How's it going pretty lady? 😉"

"WINKY FACE! WINKY FUCKING FACE OH MY FUCKING GOD!HE CALLED ME PRETTY AND LADY WE ARE PRACTICALLY MARRIED", you scream and jump around the house. Of course you want to keep your cool in front of him so you try to think of a laid back answer. But it still took you 47 tries to simply type,

"Pretty good, boredom tortures me a little tho. What about yourself handsome? 😏"

You bounce around and kinda regret calling him "handsome" even though he certainly is one hella attractive man but it sounds kind of cringey when you think of it. But because of your excitement you just shrug and don't give a single fuck. Not even a minute after you've hit send Colby texts.

Colby:"handsome huh?😏Are you trying to make me blush? Well your plan works I'm a tomato🍅 Anyways Brennen's keeping me company in my room right now and I'm laying in bed watching him taking selfies... Quite interesting I must say"

You giggle to yourself imagining those two and before you could type your answer you see a message from the contact "Hot stuff🍑" pop up. It's Brennen asking if you have time for a quick chat on FaceTime. You slightly fix your hair and call him. Brennen greets you with a wide smile and a loud, "What's good what's popping what's Guccii baby? " As far you've noticed, Brennen's in the kitchen of the squads house at the moment holding a sandwich in his right hand. You laugh and ask, "Hey Brennen everything's just fine here. Why did you wanna call me it sounded like you wanna tell me something really important?" The young YouTuber chuckles and says, "Well it's not necessarily an emergency but surely important. So yeah let's begin: I'm at the squads house and I think you've noticed that by now and some minutes ago I was like chillin with my bae Colby and taking some dope-ass selfies and he was texting you of course. He had like this big-ass grin on his face and I decided to go through my Instagram. After a short while I noticed him pulling out a piece of clothing that was underneath his pillow. And I thought 'what's he doin with that shirt?' so I continued watching him sneakily. Colby then decides to start sniffing the shirt and boy I was so confused. I thought this was a hella new level to self love but then it got me like a lightning strike. The shirt was the shirt you wore on your last day here before you left when we were camping in the garden with the others. Man this boy misses you like crazy! Oh and he has also been talking bout you all the time since you've been gone! "

You can't believe what Brennen just told you. The smile on your face can't be stopped and all you want to do right now is dance around and hug everybody on this damn planet. Your friend notices your joy and says, "Aww look at your cute smile! Besides I didn't want him to interrupt me telling our angel this cute but weird story so I told him I gotta grab a sandwich.",he took a big bite out of the sandwich and keeps on talking, "But now I have to show you this kid in love~" So Brennen walks up the stairs, slams the door of Colby's room wide open and sings/yells, "COLBYYYY LOOK WHO'S ON THE PHONE WITH MEEEE" He switches cameras so you could see Colby laying on his bed cuddling with a black shirt. This boy is so confused and just looks up to Brennen and says, "Bro what the fuck? Who are you on the phone with?" You hear laughter behind the camera and Brennen's voice saying, " It's our beloved Y/N wanna explain to her why you are cuddling with the t-shirt she wore just some weeks ago?" Colby's eyes widen drastically and his shocked mimic makes you burst out in laughter. As soon as he heard you laugh the embarrassed YouTuber starts to laugh himself and blushes heavily. Looking at his beautiful smile and hearing his laughter makes you think to yourself, "I can't wait to soon hold him close again"💙

[reifromrfa]

RFA guys + Minor Duo with MC who does a trust fall at an amusement park

requested by @3-oclockfairy​ :

If you don't mind doing it for RFA + V + Saeran... MC and S/O go to an amusement park and are waiting in line for one of the rides but it's super long and boring. MC can't stay still so she trust falls backwards on unsuspecting S/O

Hello! Thanks for this request!! I added a few scenes of what the guys do with MC in the park before getting to the trust fall part, I hope you don’t mind! I added Vanderwood too because I absolutely love him :)) Enjoy~! ^^

Putting it under the cut because it got long ;;; Also heads up guys! I’m considering V as part of the RFA (because come on guys he’s the founder) so it’ll just be RFA guys + Minor Duo now :)

Yoosung

You two go there in matching outfits so you don’t lose each other in the crowd

He loves amusement parks! More for the parlor games and the food than the rides though ;;;

He treats the trip like a quest in a game and the #1 goal is to make sure you have loads of fun with him

He wins you stuffed animals and also eats loads of junk food with you

And he’s fine with the spinning teacups ride, bumper cars, ferris wheels, the carousel —rides that don’t have high drops or sudden dips

So you guys have loads of fun on those rides

He’s fine with the mini roller coasters and you guys scream when the ride dips

You scream because you’re having a blast and he’s screaming because he’s genuinely freaking out

He makes sure to take photos because he wants to make sure to document your moments together

But maybe because he wants to make Zen a bit jealous too hahaha

When you tell him you want to enter the park’s famous haunted house

He reluctantly agrees because he already wussed out on the big coasters ;;; He’s too shy to say no to the haunted house

But there’s a really really long line

Lol not that he minds hahahaha

Yoosung you’re only prolonging the inevitable

While waiting, you notice he’s getting fidgety and nervous because you guys can actually hears the screams of the people inside the haunted house

So you decide to do the trust fall

And poor Yoosung panics

“MC!!!” he screams as he reaches out to catch you

And he does

And he’s mind blown for a moment because holy shit he didn’t mess up

And he’s blushing because you’re smiling at him

Well, that distracts him as you guys wait in line

Inside the haunted house is another story though :)))))))

Zen

Zen is psyched to spend a romantic date with his princess at the amusement park!

He actually researches on the rides in the park so he would know where to take you

Lol actually he researched the best picture spots lololol

He’ll definitely buy you two matching souvenirs because he loves it when you two have couple keepsakes

Takes lots of selfies with you

He likes rides enough but he’s not a big fan of rides with loads of loops

He will never let you know though because he’s ZEN THE KNIGHT!

A lot of his fans recognize him though, and you guys get stopped for a quick photo op every now and then

Zen keeps apologizing to you but you don’t mind, you’re actually pretty proud of him for gaining more fans the past year and also it’s nice to know that out of all the girls, he chose to be with you haha

He nails the strength test, the ball hitting the bell and you could hear the girls around you swooning

He would enjoy the shows and parades so much and he’d even lift you onto his back so you could have a better view

Sings along if he knows the songs and totally performs the dance too and you’re laughing and also blushing because his eyes never leave yours

When you go on scary rides though, he would just scream his fears away and enjoy it as best he could

As long as his princess is happy, he’s happy

Before you guys leave, he spots the carousel and asks if you want to go on it

You happily agree and you two get behind a really really really long line

Zen gets asked for more photographs during the wait

And when the fans finally leave, you two get some quiet time to yourselves

And you decide to do a trust fall

As you’re falling you feel a strong arm around your waist as he catches you and pulls you closer with just one arm

And to anyone else, it looks like you two were dancing and Zen dipped you

“Babe, are you falling for me again~?” he would ask you teasingly

Then he would lean closer to you and whisper in your ear, “Don’t worry, my princess. Your devoted knight will always be here to catch you.”

You guys finally get on the carousel and lo and behold, it’s Cinderella-themed

You get on a horse and he stands beside you

And you guys get the best selfie of the day, with the dark sky and twinkling lights from the ride and whimsical creatures and Zen’s face next to yours as he kisses your cheek while looking at the camera

And the following day the internet is flooded with photos of you and Zen in each other’s arms and the one with you two on the carousel

Lolol and God Seven is having fun spamming Zen’s Tripter bot

Jumin

He agrees to try going on a “normal date” with you to the amusement park

But seriously he doesn’t understand why a date at the most expensive hotel in Dubai isn’t considered a normal date. Seriously, what’s the difference, MC? This guy ;;;

When you guys get there you totally freak out because you love amusement parks!

And he’s never been to one so you’re super excited to go into haunted houses, eat lots of junk food and go on rides with him

You guys get on a small roller coaster at first, because you don’t want to scare him off or make him dizzy immediately

Jumin Han on a ride is like a robot on a ride

You’re screaming and laughing even though it isn’t scary but he’s beside you just looking around with his usual stoic expression

Jumin’s thoughts: I wonder how much it would cost to invest in this amusement park. It seems as though people like going here to entertain themselves.

;;;; Jumin honey you’re supposed to be enjoying yourself ;;;;

You buy him a blue cotton candy while you munch on your pink one when you notice he’s just staring at his cotton candy

“MC…do people actually eat this? It’s similar to a cotton ball.”

You giggle and pinch some of your cotton candy for him and he opens his mouth and you feed it to him

“How interesting.”

Jumin why you so cute and clueless hahahaha

And you tug on his arm when you see the ride you’ve been wanting to go on

And he sees the long line ;;;;

“Jumin, it’s okay, it’s part of the experience!”

But it’s been fifteen minutes and you still haven’t gotten on the ride and Jumin Han does not like waiting under the hot sun

So you decide to try doing a trust fall to keep him on his toes

The moment you turn your back to him, he looks at you and when you start falling

This man catches you instantly and he asks you a billion questions

“MC, are you okay? Are you feeling warm? Do you need cold refreshments?”

Jumin is worried and you reassure him and explain to him

He smirks and says, “I will always catch you, MC. Please rely on me and entrust yourself to me. I won’t fail you.”

And he holds you close to him and keeps an eye on you during the wait

You finally get on the ferris wheel and when you get to the top, the sun is setting and you two have the best view

Jumin realizes what you did and he pulls you into his arms and kisses you

And also asks Jaehee to research on amusement parks when he gets to work the next day ;;;

Saeyoung

OH MY GOD

THIS GUY IS MORE EXCITED THAN YOU

You guys are lined up even before the gates open

And when they open the gates, he grabs your hand and you two run into the park

You’re both laughing and he’s having such a blast

He insists on going on all the rides with you

Yes, even the kiddie rides

And he tries the duck shooting booth with you

And he misses all the ducks on purpose and you’re laughing at how much of a dork he is

He goes again though and manages to get you a cute alien stuffed toy (lol the kid manning the booth goes from bored to super impressed)

Buys you guys matching headbands (like a Mickey Mouse/Minnie Mouse thing haha but he insists he’s Minnie)

You guys really want to go on the scariest roller coaster in the park so you line up

…it’s been half an hour and you’re still in line

And you’re really bored because Saeyoung was playing an online game with Yoosung while waiting

So you get this brilliant idea to do a trust fall to see if he’d catch you

“Saeyoung?”

“Yes?” he says, not looking up from the game he was playing on his phone

And then you turn around and suddenly you’re falling backward towards him???

But this guy was a secret agent

His reflexes are actually pretty good

He stands behind you and catches you in his arms and lands a kiss on your cheek

And returns to his game

“Didn’t I tell you I’d always be here to catch you when you fall for me?”

He winks, grins and kisses you again

This smooth hacker

He doesn’t get worried because he knows what you’re up to; you two practically share the same mind

When it’s finally your turn to go on the ride he’s super psyched

And the moment the ride dips

You guys scream at the top of your lungs

And everyone near the ride swears they hear someone scream:

“THE DEFENDER OF JUSTICE SAVES THE DAY!!!!”

Jihyun/V

Note: I really don’t want spoilers for the V route guys haha I’ll just assume he got the treatment for his eyes though because V deserves better~

You want to go the amusement park and he’s as excited as you

Because he can take more photos of you in a different setting and probably a background bursting with colors and life

He’s been to the amusement park once for a shoot but never really got to experience the rides so you ask him to make do with his mirrorless camera instead of his DSLR because you want him to go on rides with you and it’s more hassle to carry a DSLR

And once he gets there he’s overwhelmed with all the sights, sounds, smell and the feel of the place

It’s so happy there

Immediately whips out his camera to take photos of the place and of course, his muse —you

He’s such a gentle guy that fast and high roller coasters aren’t for him, but he goes on other rides with you

Loves taking candid photos of you while you’re laughing or smiling

He’s not an expert on parlor games but he tries his best and manages to get you a stuffed cactus toy

He’d rather photograph you as you’re tossing coins or shooting some hoops

Or eating cotton candy and popcorn with those cute character hats

Omg this guy is having so much, he can’t wait to get home and sort through the photos

He requests that you go on the ferris wheel because the view from up there must be amazing

And you guys line up

But after thirty minutes you’re still in line and you’re starting to get bored

So you do a trust fall on your unsuspecting boyfriend

Oh boy does he lose his shit at the sight of you falling backwards

Nearly drops his camera as he reaches out and catches you in his arms, holding you tightly, his eyes wide with fear

“MC, are you alright?” he would ask worriedly, helping you to your feet and checking your temperature

And you tell him you were just doing a trust fall and he sighs, relieved

“Did I pass then?”

Of course you did you beautiful marshmallow

You guys get on the ferris wheel and you can’t help but smile at him as V goes crazy with his camera, taking shots of the scenery

But then as you reach the top, where the view is the best, he puts down his camera and holds your hand

And you’re wondering why he’s not taking a photo of the sunset

And he scoots closer to you, smiling at you

“Because there are some moments I’d rather capture with my own eyes than behind a camera.”

He would close the gap between you and kiss you

And you two would hold hands and enjoy the view together the rest of the way down

Saeran

He’s never been to the amusement park

And he’s not really thrilled to go to a place where there will be loads of families spending time together and having fun

Because he never really got to experience that with his family

Holy shit Saeran I wanna hug you right now ;A;

But you’re determined to show him a good time and let him experience what he’s been missing

So when you two get there, you take him to a chill roller coaster

But when the ride dips he grabs your hand and holds on tight and closes his eyes

“Saeran? Are you okay?”

Okay so maybe no roller coasters for Saeran

But like Yoosung, he would kill the parlor games and win you a lot of stuffed animals

Lololol the guy managing the shooting booth got scared at Saeran’s quick and accurate shots

And he actually blew off the head of one of the ducks omg

And his eyes go wide when you take him to an ice cream parlor and he gets to eat loads of ice cream

He enjoys the parades too and you see him smiling when he sees two kids laughing and cheering the mascots during the show

You manage to convince him to go on the ferris wheel with you

But the line is long and you get worried that he’ll get bored

So you decide to do the trust fall

And he gets flustered

He reaches out to catch you but he’s not ready

So you two end up falling to the floor

“OMG SAERAN I’M SO SORRY”

“MC WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING”

You two are red and blushing and he’s kind of annoyed but then you kiss his cheek

Because he still managed to catch you and it’s actually sweet that he took all the blow from the fall, making sure you were safely on top of him

And he turns even redder

He’s still blushing as you two get on the ferris wheel

He calms down though when he sees the view below him and feels you slip your hand into his

Would probably pull you in for a make-out sesh

And you two would emerge from the ferris wheel with you blushing furiously and him with a satisfied smirk

Note: I imagined him being like Jumin, all stone-faced and stuff but I think that deep down, Saeran wouldn’t be the one to seek out thrill? He’s been bent on revenge on Seven for so long but he was under the influence of Mint Eye and the drug thingy and maybe Saeran would be all for violence and danger —but not thrill rides where he has no control over the drops and the loops and the sudden twists. He’d be pretty much powerless and I think that would scare him so yeah ;;;

Vanderwood

He reluctantly agrees to go with you to the amusement park

Only because when you asked him and he declined, Saeyoung offered to accompany you and he pushed Saeyoung out of the way, insisting that you two are already going together and Saeyoung wasn’t invited

Vanderwood in casual wear with his hair tied up is a treasure

He totally attracts way too much attention in his body hugging clothes but he’s too busy worrying about you

Because apparently you’re an adrenaline junkie and you love amusement parks

And you keep dragging him around everywhere

He doesn’t miss the looks the other guys are giving you

He rarely gets to go out on dates with you because of his job (and because he wants to keep you safe) but for this one date, he just thinks fuck the rules and slings his arm around you, wanting the whole world to know that you and him are together

This guy doesn’t miss the chance to impress you with his skills

So much prizes from various games in the park

You get him to pose for a decent shot together and he blushes a bit because deep down he’s screaming, he’s so happy

He’s fine with rides because those are nothing compared to his missions

He lets loose and haves fun with you, laughing as you scream during rides and put your hands up

While waiting to go on another roller coaster

You decide to test how fast his reflexes actually are

And you suddenly do a trust fall

Which makes him dive for you

And you end up in his arms, your faces inches apart

And you’re both blushing furiously

But he touches your face lightly and kisses you

And you’re melting because oh my God your boyfriend is kissing you in public

He’s never done it before and it’s how you know you mean a lot to him

And when he pulls away, he merely says, “You idiot. Don’t do that, I can’t stand the thought of you getting hurt.”

You’re basically on cloud nine for the rest of the day

BEST DATE EVER 10000/10

I think I am incapable of writing short hcs hahaha ;;; Still working on your requests guys! Sorry it’s taking so long but I promise I’m working on them :) Thanks so much for the support as always!!!

Check out my other Mysme writings here!

Buy me a Mango Shake? ~(˘▾˘~)

I’d be honored to write your story <3

Get extra content by becoming a Patron! :)

[honeykngdom]

What would sweet pea realizing he has crush on you be like?

SP REALIZING HE’S GOT IT BAD FOR YOU:

Checking your snap and instagram stories everyday to see what you’re up to when he’s not around 

Grumbling about how ridiculous you are for posting a billion selfies all the time 

And taking videos of you lip-syncing while getting ready in the morning 

Constantly bitching to toni and fangs 

‘What person is THIS full of themselves?’ 

Sweets wearing his best plaid shirt and cleanest jeans when he knows he’s gonna see you 

Uncharacteristically defending you as soon as someone tries to rip on you 

Trying to be a jerk to you and disassociate himself 

Failing miserably 

Sitting on Jugheads couch, watching her snap story for the 100th time bc he DEFINITELY saw another guy 

‘Who is the fucker?’ ‘idk’ ‘aren’t you supposed to be observant? What good are you jug?’ 

Toni and jug teasing him for having a crush 

Sweets profusely denying that statement 

Going home later and catching himself thinking about how funny something was and how he couldn’t wait to tell you 

Waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat bc he had a nightmare with you involved and in danger

Thats the first time he started to believe toni and jug 

Seeing you the next day, feeling his chest tighten and a smile break loose on his face whenever you laughed

That was the second time

Seeing you cry due to stress or unfortunate circumstance and he instinctively reached out to pull you into a long hug, worried and just trying to make you feel better 

That’s when he knew he was screwed 

Bc people liked you and sweets didn’t wanna share his time with you 

He didn’t wanna share you period

He wanted to protect you at all costs

And be the only one to make you laugh 

And be the only one to cross your mind whenever something big happened

Going back to jugs later that night after he dropped you off and holding his head in his hands 

‘Im feeling things’ ‘what kind of things’ ‘feely things that make me feel .. mushy’ 

Accepting what is and calling you that night, just to hear your voice before he went to bed (but doesn’t wanna be too sweet on ya so he plays it cool)

‘Hey, princess, miss me yet?’

[newstechreviews]

As Japan’s new prime minister, Yoshihide Suga, takes the reins of the world’s third-largest economy this week, he inherits a domestic agenda swamped by the coronavirus pandemic, the country’s biggest economic slump on record and the postponed Tokyo Olympics.

The leader of one of America’s closest allies also steps into a tense geopolitical climate amid rapidly deteriorating U.S.-China relations. Yet experts say this new premier is largely untested in the foreign policy arena.

“Suga is more domestically-oriented and several questions have been raised about his propensity to deal with foreign relations and international issues,” says Donna Weeks, professor of political science at Musashino University in Tokyo.

Suga takes over from the country’s longest-serving prime minister, 65-year-old Shinzo Abe, who resigned due to health reasons.

Abe, who became an internationally recognizable statesman during his second tenure as prime minister, made wooing President Donald Trump a top priority. He was the first foreign leader to meet Trump after the 2016 election, and invited Trump to be the first foreign leader to meet Japan’s new emperor in 2019.

During Trump’s 2019 visit to Japan, Abe’s pandering made headlines. They played a round of golf (stopping to take a smiling selfie in between holes), ate a hamburger lunch, sat at ringside seats at a sumo competition and then tucked into a Japanese barbecue dinner.

PM Abe: Playing golf in Chiba with President Trump (@realdonaldtrump), who is visiting Japan as the first state guest in the era of Reiwa. We hope to further solidify the Japan-US alliance in the new era of Reiwa. pic.twitter.com/CsJFkAAkWr

— PM's Office of Japan (@JPN_PMO) May 26, 2019

When Abe announced in late August that he was stepping down, Trump was quick to comment on Twitter. He called Abe “the greatest Prime Minister in the history of Japan,” adding that Japan’s “relationship with the USA is the best it has ever been.”

That begs the question: what will a new prime minister mean for U.S.-Japan relations?

A shift from personal politics

Trump’s foreign policy has often been defined by his personal relationships with world leaders, and Abe appears to have fostered among the closest ties to the volatile American President.

Suga, Abe’s longtime chief cabinet secretary, is largely expected to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps when it comes to foreign policy. But he may not be able to replicate the Trump-Abe bromance, not least because he admits he lacks the diplomatic skills.

“Prime Minister Abe’s leadership diplomacy was truly amazing. I don’t think I can match that,” Suga said on Sept. 12, adding that he will continue to consult with Abe on foreign relations.

Still, Suga’s role as Abe’s right-hand man for the last eight years means he has a strong understanding of how to manage the relationship with the U.S., says Yoshikazu Kato, an adjunct associate professor at the University of Hong Kong’s Asia Global Institute.

Kiyoshi Ota—Bloomberg/Getty Images Yoshihide Suga, president of the Liberal Democratic Party (LDP), middle, receives a round of applause after being elected as Japan’s prime minister during an extraordinary session at the lower house of parliament in Tokyo, Japan, on Sept. 16, 2020.

The White House said in a statement that Trump “looks forward to working with Prime Minister Suga to make [relations] even stronger.”

“Suga is less outgoing than Abe, but he knows what he has to do—at least until November,” Michael J. Green, senior vice president for Asia and the Japan Chair at the Washington D.C-based think-tank the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS), tells TIME. “One of [Suga’s] most important jobs for the near term will be managing the constant insults and unpredictability of President Trump.”

The benefits of Abe’s U.S. charm offensive are also up for debate. Trump still imposed aluminum and steel tariffs on Japan, strong-armed Abe into a one-sided trade deal and proposed to quadruple the $2 billion Japan pays for hosting U.S. troops in the country. And Trump withdrew the U.S. from the Trans-Pacific Partnership, a big regional trade deal that Japan had promoted as a way of containing China’s growing influence.

Still, Suga is not a completely unknown quantity in Washington, and has already built relationships with some top U.S. officials. He met U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo in Tokyo in 2018, and visited Washington D.C. last May, meeting Vice President Mike Pence (at the time, Suga’s visit sparked speculation that he was being groomed for a bigger role).

Experts say Suga will be closely watching the U.S. election to determine what a Biden presidency might mean for Japan.

“Japan is greatly interested in the U.S. election because Mr. Biden’s direction toward China affects Japan greatly,” says Mieko Nakabayashi, a professor at Waseda University in Tokyo. “Japan wants the U.S. to deter China’s military aggression in Asia.”

Eugene Hoshiko—AFP/Getty Images Secretary of State Mike Pompeo (L) speaks to Japan’s then-Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga at the prime minister’s office in Tokyo on Oct. 6, 2018.

Read More: Yoshihide Suga Will Succeed Shinzo Abe as Prime Minister. What’s Next for Japan?

Domestic problems may take precedence over foreign policy

At the outset, the new prime minister may be occupied by trouble at home. The 71-year-old inherits an economy battered by COVID-19, which he will have to attempt to resuscitate despite a shrinking and aging population. He will also have to determine the fate of the postponed Tokyo Olympics.

He said on Sept. 11 that his top priorities will be fighting the virus and turning around the economy.

“I think Suga will focus on COVID-19 first and foremost,” says Weeks, of Musashino University.

Abe faced public scrutiny for his handling of the virus. Although Japan’s response has been more effective than many other nations, many in Japan perceived the national government’s response as too slow. As of Sept. 17, about 1,480 people have died and 77,000 have been infected in Japan.

Read More: Donald Trump Didn’t Notice When Shinzo Abe Took a Tumble on the Golf Course

A balancing act

Even while juggling a busy domestic agenda, Suga will still have to do a balancing act between the U.S. and China, one made no easier by particularly fraught relations between the superpowers.

Jeff Kingston, Director of Asian Studies at Temple University’s Tokyo campus, tells TIME that Suga will prioritize U.S. relations, but he will also seek to maintain the thaw in relations with China. Economic ties between Japan and China had improved under Abe, but historic tensions remain and Chinese incursions into Japanese waters around the disputed Senkaku Islands (known as the Diaoyu Islands in China) have caused agitation.

China expects to deepen cooperation on fighting COVID-19 and to grow economic ties, according to foreign ministry spokesperson Wang Wenbin.

An editorial in late August in the Global Times, a state-run mouthpiece for the Chinese Communist Party, called for closer partnership with Japan amid tense relations with the U.S. “China must win the support of countries like Japan” as it is “faced with strategic containment from the U.S,” it said.

Suga has also said that he wants to resolve some unfinished business on the diplomatic front. Abe had failed in his goal to resolve several wartime legacies, including normalizing ties with North Korea and signing a peace treaty with Russia to formally end their hostilities in World War II.

In early September, Suga told a news conference that he would consider meeting North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un without preconditions. He said that he wants to “make a breakthrough” on the issue of the abduction of Japanese nationals by Pyongyang in the 1970s and 1980s, a goal that Abe said he regretted not achieving.

As far as North Korea diplomacy on nuclear issues goes, it will be important for Japan to continue working closely with the U.S., says Nakabayashi of Waseda University.

Even as some in Japan worry about the rare uncertainty this new administration brings, experts say the U.S.-Japan alliance is likely to remain stable under Suga.

“If he follows Abe, and that seems likely, he will seek a better economic relationship with China despite differences on security, territory and history and do whatever it takes to keep Uncle Sam engaged to provide security,” says Kingston of Temple University. About 54,000 U.S. troops are deployed in Japan, and the country hosts the U.S. Navy’s Seventh Fleet. Japan’s post-World War II “pacifist” constitution renounced war, and Abe left office without fulfilling long cherished plans to alter the charter.

Plus, says Kristi Govella, an assistant professor of Asian Studies at the University of Hawaii at Mānoa, the foundations of the U.S.-Japan alliance run much deeper than ties between individual leaders.

“The U.S. and Japan share significant interests and values that give them strong incentives to maintain good relations with each other, and this is unlikely to change under a Suga administration,” she says. “Japan is a key U.S. partner in dealing with China and North Korea and maintaining stability in the region more broadly.”

[shyawn]

Naive

(take with this what you will. this is supposed to be anyone)

(please send in requests!!!! I will write about whomever I tag below)

Maybe I was naive, maybe I was gullible, or maybe he really meant what he said. Whatever the truth may be, I still ended up in pieces. A million, tiny, sharp pieces that would cut you open if you ever came close to me. I trusted him, and he betrayed me.

I loved him. He was the first person I had ever loved. I wanted to believe so badly that we would defy the odds and come out on top. I wanted us to last forever, and he told me he felt the same way. Unfortunately, he lied and I cried. How does love go to hate so fast?

I remember when we first started talking. He told me to keep it between us, and I told him I thought that would be fun. No one knew about us and the deep conversations we would have at ungodly hours of the night and morning. I told him all of my secrets and he told me his. He told me I was one of a kind and he thought that was the best thing about me. I told him to stop making me blush.

I remember when I finally cracked and first told my best friend about us with the biggest smile on my lips. She lacked the enthusiasm I contained, telling me she failed to see what was so great about him. I told her that he was different from what she thought. She said that he was definitely not what I thought he was and he wanted to keep us a secret because he was embarrassed. I told her she was wrong, and that I would prove it to her. I should have believed her.

I remember the first time I went over his house. We sat on his couch watching dumb Spanish soap operas, even though the both of us were mediocre Spanish speakers at best. What my best friend had said messed with my head, and I did believe her for a bit. I found it difficult to pay attention to the show and he noticed that. He asked what was on my mind and I meekly replied, “nothing.” He knew there was never nothing on my mind, so he persisted. I told him.

I remember his reaction. He stared blankly at me for a few moments before letting out a deep sigh and lightly shutting his eyes. I stared up at him with big eyes and a hope that what my best friend had said was untrue. He looked at me again and pulled the typical boy move. He pushed my hair out of my face and reassured me that he wanted to be with me and that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. I believed him and I wish I hadn’t.

I remember walking into school with him the next day. The people who knew us stared and whispered and within the first block of the day, everyone knew we were together. People in my classes whispered, people in the halls whispered, teachers even whispered. I was overwhelmed and he knew that. He told me that was what he wanted to spare me from, but I told him I could handle it. It just took some getting used to. He got me to relax, and I was immensely grateful.

I remember the first time we ever really kissed. I was sad about something dumb when we were together and he hated that. At first it was just a hug, with his chin resting on the top of my head. It was simple, but it was sweet. He whispered sweet nothings to me as I moped about, and he found that ineffective. I was sad and I told him that nothing could change that. He tried to fix me anyways.

I barely remember the moments before and after the kiss. He had my head spinning in tens of thousands of different ways. I was ranting about why I was sad and I had failed to notice the look he was giving me. After I finished speaking, his lips were on mine within seconds. I melted into his touch, my stomach doing flips and my heart running laps around my entire body. I had never felt that way in my entire life and I never wanted to stop feeling that way. I was putty in his hands and he knew that.

I remember the first time I fell asleep at his house. It was a Friday night after an excruciatingly long week of school, and I desperately needed to relax. He and I had been dating for about two months at that point and they had been the best two months I had experienced in a while. I had dozed off on his shoulder while we watched a movie. I woke up to a million soft kisses on my neck and a billion selfies of me sleeping on his shoulder.

I remember the day I realized I loved him. We were driving around in his car with no destination in mind. We were silent; the only sound was the drops of rain and music that softly flowed from the speakers in the car. He had one hand on the wheel, the other strategically placed in mine. My eyes followed the street lights as we drove past them. I found myself very happy with him and the place I was at in my life. Looking over at him, a feeling so crushing to my chest flooded through my body and I knew. I knew then that the overwhelming feeling that made me want to laugh and cry at the same time was love. I loved him, and I prayed that he loved me back.

I remember the day he told me he loved me. I made him bake cookies with me, and no matter how many times he denied that it was fun for him, I knew it was. He got to eat cookie dough, which I couldn’t because of my raw egg allergy. He made a point to rub in my face all of the cookie dough he could eat. I had just put the cookies in the oven when I caught him staring at me with a light in his eyes that made me want to scream. I asked him what he was staring at. He told me, very nonchalantly, “the girl I had the pleasure of falling in love with.”

I remember the feeling I got after hearing him say that. I stared at him, blankly I suppose, because his smile dropped completely after a few seconds of no reaction. I was beyond happy that he loved me, and I was more than one-hundred percent positive I loved him too. For some reason, my lungs felt like they were being squeezed by concrete hands and my stomach felt like it was twisting in a million different directions. He apologized, reached out to me, and pulled me into his arms. I cried, told him about my problems with love, and promised him I loved him too. It was then I realized how deep my issues were rooted.

I remember going to the junior Prom with him. We had been dating for six or seven months, and I was still amazed by him. He dealt with my issues, which I was slowly overcoming, and never made me feel like a burden. I was more than excited for Prom because I knew it was going to be the best time of our high school careers. I wore a red dress with jewels on the top and a high neck. I even thought I looked great. I refused to let him see me in it before pictures for the prom. I only sent him pictures of the color so he could get a suit and a boutonniere.

I remember the look on his face when he saw me for the first time in the dress. He looked wonderstruck and like I was an angel gracing his presence on Earth. (He told me that was what I looked like soon after.) I had never seen him look at me like that, and it made me feel absolutely every happy emotion there was. He made me feel like a princess, and he definitely looked like my prince. My mother cried and so did his, and the both of us just laughed at them. Nothing could bring us down. Nothing at all.

I remember the party after Prom. He had offered to have it at his house, and everyone graciously accepted. He invited both of our friends, which had started morphing into one group with the progression of our relationship. Everyone got along, which made everything that much easier. Half of the grade ended up showing their faces at the party, which stressed him out a lot. Most were drunk, and we were on our way to getting there with them. It was a good thing we all had changed out of our expensive clothes.

I remember what came next. He had gone to the bathroom and I was alone on the couch. I held a drink in my hand and slowly looked around at everyone in the house. A different boy sat next to me, and slowly slid his hand up my thigh. I attempted to move it, but it flew back like a magnet. The boy told me that I was too good for my boyfriend. The boy told me that if I ever wanted a good time, a better time than with the boy I had, he was always available. The boy told me to leave with him so he could show me that good time, for future reference. I told him to “back the fuck up” and he didn’t.

I remember the fight that sprung from the dumb boy’s stupid remarks. He had come back from the bathroom and found me uncomfortably trying to get the boy away. His anger and jealousy reached its boiling point and he pulled the boy away from me. They started fighting while most watched except for a few who tried to pull them off of each other. After multiple screams from me and others to stop, they were pulled apart from each other.

I remember leaving them both in that room. I made my best friend take me home. I left him and the dumb boy at the party. I wasn’t entirely sure why I was so mad, but I was. He could have killed that boy, and although he deserved it, I was scared. I wanted to believe that he was better than that. After I got home, I ignored him for a few days. I ignored his texts, his calls, his attempted conversations in the hallway. I ignored him to the best of my ability.

I remember how he showed up to my house the following Saturday, soaking wet from the rain and frown on his lips. I finally stopped ignoring him and let him in my house. I gave him a towel and waited for him to start speaking. He started off by apologizing and explaining about how it made him sick to picture me with any other guy. He began rambling on about that and about how much he loved me and wanted no one else but him to be with me.

I remember telling him to shut up as I laughed slightly. I kissed him a few times. I gave him new clothes to change into and showed him to the bathroom. I sat on my couch, scrolling through Netflix. I tried to find a movie to put on but failed miserably. Nothing looked good to watch. I made him pick a movie after he changed and we ended up watching Pulp Fiction for the fifth time. Halfway through the movie, he asked what the boy from the party said to me. I told him everything.

I remember his reaction like it happened yesterday. He frowned, his anger etched in his eyes and facial expression. His hands balled into fists and he let out a long sigh. I muttered his name a few times, trying to get him to relax. Instead, he looked at me, a blank expression on his face, and asked if I was unhappy with him. I felt my heart crack in half at those words. He was genuinely curious. He thought I was upset about being with him. I guaranteed that if I was unhappy, he would know it. I, then, proceeded to tell him that any girl who would be unhappy with him was dumb and unaware of what they were missing.

I remember that night being the first time we had sex. We kissed for a while after that conversation. Sweet, simple, happy kisses. Slowly but surely, those kisses became more. I moved onto his lap. His hands gripped my hips as we began getting more heated. I gently kissed his neck as he stood up and carried me to my room. He laid me down on my bed and pulled my shirt over my head. We kissed until all of our clothes were off and his hands had touched almost every part of my body.

I remember seeing colors. Red, orange, yellow colors clouded my vision in a mix, splattered across the walls. Brown, his eyes staring deep into my heart and soul. The colors made it seem like everything was a dream, but the feeling was very very real. Red faded into orange and orange faded into yellow. I felt like the sun, shining warm, bright colors from every pore of my body. Everything was so beautiful. The colors, the sounds, us as one. I thought things couldn’t get any more perfect. He was all I ever needed, and I knew that then. I know that now.

I remember spending the summer with him. We went out together almost every single night, whether it be going to the movies, a restaurant, or one of our houses to watch Law & Order. Shockingly, we never got sick of each other. We went on college tours together, we went to the Fourth of July festivities together, we went to every party together. People were shocked that we were still perfectly content with each other. Some even made bets as to when the relationship would end. All of them were wrong. I blame this summer for the beginning of our downfall.

I remember our first major fight that we were both angry in. Towards the beginning of senior year, it was evident that we were spending too much time together. Certain comments that were made by either one of us would result in arguments, banter or even worse comments. We were getting into slight arguments almost all the time, and then the biggest fight of them all occurred.

I can’t quite remember what the fight was about, I just remember the screaming match we got into over it. Disgusting words were thrown at each other and we both said “fuck” and other variations more than we ever had in both of our lives. The fight occurred the night before the homecoming game, where the Queen would be announced. Both of us were on the Homecoming Court. We screamed, and I cried, and he called me pathetic. I was devastated. We didn’t talk until the football game.

I remember us making up after I was crowned Queen. I was happy, although there was the underlying dismay cast upon me because of the fight. He was the first person who greeted me after I got off of the field. He hugged me, we both apologized, and hugged some more. The next day he was crowned King and after the Homecoming dance, we had the best make up sex.

I remember the day I realized that our relationship was on its way to the end. We were watching Spanish soap operas on his couch and there was a tension in the air. Everything was different. We felt as if conversation was needed to avoid silence, when we preferred the silence before. We started fighting more often, and slowly, our relationship started to become based off of sex. We had sex more than we hung out regularly. After I got home from his house, I cried for hours. I couldn’t believe that was happening to us. Our relationship was so beautiful, so different, so loving. It was a shame to see it go up in flames so fast.

I remember the day it really ended. Somehow, we had made it to graduation together, and a few weeks into the summer. We had both decided upon colleges to go to. We were going to the same city, but our decisions were not influenced by each other. We had grown apart. I barely told him anything anymore, and he held back from me too. Most often than not, we were fucking or uncomfortably watching TV with each other. It was a mutual decision to end it. I was still beyond heartbroken.

I remember shutting everyone out for the rest of Summer. He had broken me. Any time someone tried to talk to me about him, I would tear them down with nasty comments and rude tones. I was mean to every person who cared for me, and I sometimes made my mother cry. I felt bad, but I was broken. I had never been hurt more by a person than I had been by him. Only after everything was over did I realize he had so much control over me and my emotions. I loved him then, I loved him after it ended, and I love him now. I always will.

Now, you tell me. Was I naive? Or was this real? Did he mean what he said? Or did I have too much hope for something that was bound to fail? Whatever the answer may be, our relationship was the most beautiful pleasure I have had in my life. I know I will never find anything like us ever again. Maybe, if we’re truly meant to be, we’ll find our way back to each other. Who knows? I sure as hell don’t.

[volunfeminism-blog]

Making the Case for Volunfeminism:

Volunfeminism - offering aid to disadvantaged communities according to the needs of those communities with a specific focus on the issues that affect women, and, most importantly, on allowing those women the voice and the capacity to empower themselves with the help of feminist outreach.

        In the days leading up to my graduation, I’ve found myself grasping for chords, shelling out twenty dollars a pop, at the very least, just to prove to the people of Facebook that I accomplished something in college that somehow earned me a colorful stole. Standing in line to purchase these graduation nonessentials, there was little else for me to do but observe and eavesdrop on my peers. Many of them were carrying stoles emblazoned by flags – Jamaica, Ghana, Brazil, Kenya, and Ethiopia, among others – to commemorate their trips abroad. As they waited in line, they told stories about building houses or putting in a well or teaching a course in English, living with their host families, and, without a fail, they would always end their little tales with the phrase: “It changed my life.” Their friends would congratulate them on their activities and the humanitarians would shrug off their praise humbly, saying things like “Someone had to do it,” or “They helped me more than I ever helped them,” or “I’m just glad I was able to make a difference,” with a dismissive wave or a nervous laugh – acknowledging a compliment without any overt bragging. And, really, the people I overheard may have genuinely and responsibly provided humanitarian aid among disadvantaged populations. They may have also only discussed their experiences because they felt as though they were pressured to do so. But, regardless of their particular situation, the cliched responses they provided to the inquiries posed by their friends echo the sentiments of many individuals who use their experiences within disadvantaged communities as avenues through which they might obtain social clout from their peers.

        This type of attention-grabbing tactic is exhibited clearly on the tumblr blog entitled humanitariansoftinder.com. With very little to go on by way of context, this website showcases snapshots from the tinder bios of the men and women who feel it appropriate to post their experiences helping disadvantaged communities, many of which appear to be poor, unclean, and African, on a dating forum. The public, at large, has had many reactions to this website and the work it has done, as it has been the subject of articles in magazines like The Guardian, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Business Insider, The Atlantic, NY Mag, The Daily Dot, Nerve, and others(Humanitarians of Tinder). The reactions to this website and the critiques it has made are expectedly mixed. On the one hand, authors such as Caitlin Dewey from The Washington Post point out that anonymously publishing sniped screenshots of tinder profiles could be a recipe for disaster because “shaming often invites repercussions that are totally out of proportion with the perceived crime,” and this website exists purely to put their “humanitarians” in place (Dewey). On the other hand, Eleanor Goldberg, a writer for The Huffington Post, asserts “that the volunteers on Tinder could be a little bit more humble about their advocacy work,” especially given the responses unleashed, agreeing that using disadvantaged groups as props within selfies “is just flat-out messed up” (Goldberg). That being said, both these articles and others agree that, while the young people pictured in these photographs are “tone deaf” and insensitive, the work that they’re doing is admirable and “we can’t completely fault them for showing off their selfless side” (Dewey, Goldberg).

        In an article entitled “Humanitarians of Tinder: Constructing Whiteness and Consuming the Other,” however, Nisha Toomey argues the opposite. Regardless of intention, these individuals are posting these photos on their profiles “because they feel such portrayals make them particularly alluring to those they are trying to attract,” and, in essence, are implying that there is something “fashionable or attractive about people from Western middle-class backgrounds crossing cultures and geographies to meet, mesh with, and […] post their experiences” (Toomey 152). She goes on to describe how these experiences conflate with ideas regarding voluntourism within our current era, and she goes on to critique voluntourism in this capacity for the remainder of her paper, her investigation adopting the same tone that African feminist scholars have utilized in the past when discussing the negative impacts that “intervention efforts” from the Global North have within African nations at large.

        While there has been a growing push for these intervention strategies to pay more attention to the needs of the communities they are serving than the volunteer groups providing them with aid, all-too-often, individuals offering aid focus on issues that end up placing Western values upon a pedestal through which the customs of developing nations might be scrutinized. An example of this might be found within the following clip of an American raising money to end female circumcision in African countries.

        There are, indeed, medical consequences to female circumcisions; however, many women in African nations view female circumcision as vital to establishing their connections with their ancestral homeland (Kiguwa 220-222). Many women see circumcision as a right of passage for themselves and their daughters and, in this capacity, while the intentions behind the individuals in this video are most likely well-meaning, the efforts presented within this video dismiss the importance of female circumcision as an important, cultural right within the nations they are meant to help. Indeed, this kind of activism does more to proliferate Western values than to empower the individuals it is meant to help, which means that the aid it provides is not focused on directly improving upon the lives of the individuals that need help the most; rather, it is focused on the “backward” nature of the developing world, and in the role that the white woman can have in fixing it.

      This type of activism has a long and controversial history within feminism. Starting during the second wave feminist movement, many women who wanted to improve the global status of women traveled to Africa and were moved by the postcolonial strife suffered through by many women in its developing nations. In particular, outsiders from the Global North noticed the how many women were personally violated by war, and, in trying to get international justice for the crimes committed against them, emphasized rape as the singular experience of an African woman in a war-torn nation. By portraying African women as victims of their sexuality, Western intervention groups encouraged aid to be given to women who specifically suffered injuries and traumas associated with rape. While this type of aid is necessary and crucial for women in these nations, the problem becomes that in portraying the African woman only as a rape victim, volunteers encourage deep-seated historical stereotypes that portray the African woman as weak and in need of saving from the white woman (Baaz and Stern 93). Furthermore, by reducing African women to a single story of trauma, relief organizations ignore the experiences of many women who actually participated in inflicting violence during wartime, and, by extension, do not provide the humanitarian aid needed most by the communities these organizations wish to help (White 137).

         Volunfeminism, then, proposes that volunteer efforts within the developing world should take its cues from the female activists living within the developing world. As activists who have lived within these communities, they are the ones who know what is most needed by their communities from international relief organizations. Volunfeminism suggests that, perhaps, voluntourism, as a $2.6 billion industry might be able to do more good than harm if its volunteers are pointed in the direction that could do the most good for the largest amount of disenfranchised individuals (Toomey 152).

[biofunmy]

Samsung Galaxy Fold: Your questions, answered

CLOSE

Samsung’s Galaxy Fold is here, but is it worth it? We went hands-on with Samsung’s nearly $2,000 phone to find out. USA TODAY

Samsung’s new $1,980 Galaxy Fold has been making waves over the last two weeks, not necessarily for all the right reasons.

And now the arrival of Samsung’s foldable hybrid – a cross between a thick smartphone and iPad Mini-sized tablet – has been delayed until at least next month, in the aftermath of screen damage and busted phones reported by early reviewers.

Ahead of such problems, the phone drew plenty of hype and buzz for its innovative design, not to mention its near $2,000 price. 

At Samsung’s request, we are returning our review unit Tuesday, but USA TODAY’s Ed Baig and Eli Blumenthal have been messing around with the device for the last week.

Here’s what we experienced, and what you need to know to get caught up on the news. 

The latest news 

What’s going on with the delay? 

The saga that led to the delay began after reviewers from CNBC, The Verge, Bloomberg as well as influential YouTuber Marques Brownlee, who (like USA TODAY) were among those given pre-release test units, reported screen damage that broke the Fold.

Galaxy Fold delay: Samsung delays launch of Galaxy Fold following display issues

Half-off Google Pixel: Want a Google Pixel 3 for half off? Here’s how you can get one

The display on the unit given to CNBC, for example, flickered uncontrollably causing the device to turn off and completely malfunction.

After one day of use… pic.twitter.com/VjDlJI45C9

— Steve Kovach (@stevekovach) April 17, 2019

The Verge said its unit developed “a bulge that appeared to be the result of something in between the screen and the hinge.”

The back of the Galaxy Fold. (Photo: Eli Blumenthal, USA TODAY)

Other problems surfaced after testers peeled off what appeared to be a protective film on the screen, that was, in fact, not meant to be removed, though Samsung didn’t do a good enough job of communicating this point in its packaging handed to reviewers.

The phone comes with this protective layer/film. Samsung says you are not supposed to remove it. I removed it, not knowing you’re not supposed to (consumers won’t know either). It appeared removable in the left corner, so I took it off. I believe this contributed to the problem. pic.twitter.com/fU646D2zpY

— Mark Gurman (@markgurman) April 17, 2019

Samsung began an investigation that is still going on. 

Meanwhile, if you already pre-ordered the Fold you can cancel at any time, Samsung says. You haven’t been charged yet anyway since the phone hasn’t shipped.

Is our test phone broken? 

Our test unit, a European variant of the Fold, worked fine after a week of use. The phone still opened and  closed as it initially did, with the protective layer on the tablet screen still intact and functioning. 

Our use, thus far

Favorite feature? 

Ed Baig: Putting aside the issues some have experienced with the 7.3-inch tablet display – and frankly that’s now hard to do now, given the delay and all – it has to be the way this thing folds. That is quite a technological achievement.

I’m not even put off by the line that is sometimes visible on the screen, depending on the angle you are looking at or what background is on the display. The size is ideal for watching video or reading an eBook, and even in its open state holdable with one-hand, though true one-handed operation is reserved for when the phone is closed and when you’re relying on the outside display, to check on a text or take a selfie.

Eli Blumenthal: I still am impressed with the overall usefulness of the foldable screen. I use my phone as my main television and the ability to just open up the phone in bed and watch the NBA playoffs on a big screen without grabbing a tablet or television remote worked surprisingly well. 

Biggest gripe?

Eli: The front “phone” screen on the Fold is really bad. While 4.6-inches, the screen is very narrow, making it hard to type, watch videos with, take pictures on or just generally use beyond a few simple tasks. You can’t even use the front screen horizontally to type text messages or browse Chrome in landscape mode. 

Maps, making calls and controlling music are all fine, but this front seems to exist as just a way to get people to open the larger tablet. The good thing is that tablet experience does work so well. 

I’m going to go one step further and give a “runner up” gripe to the fingerprint sensor on the side. This didn’t work well for me when the phone was closed and was even more difficult to use when the Fold was opened. 

Also a nearly $2,000 phone that isn’t water-resistant in 2019? Hard pass. 

The Galaxy Fold’s divider isn’t always hidden. (Photo: Eli Blumenthal, USA TODAY)

Ed: I agree on all of the above. Let me mention another: the fact that this phone doesn’t have 5G. Granted, these are the earliest days for the rollout of the next generation of mobile wireless. But if you’re going to spend nearly two-grand on a device like this, you’d want it to be 5G-ready.

Even if Samsung in a year or whatever comes out with a 5G version and an attractive trade-in option, I’m just not paying that much in the interim for a device that in some respects is half-baked. 

While I’m at it, let me also complain about the removal of your standard-sized headphone jack, though Samsung, of course, isn’t exactly alone with this complaint. (I’m looking at you Apple.) 

Eli: Both valid points, though Samsung does include a pair of its otherwise $129 Galaxy Buds in the box with the Fold. They do get points there. 

Ed: I’ll give you that, though I sometimes still prefer to use better, corded headphones.

Any surprise? 

Eli: While Samsung has plenty of work to do in fixing up the Fold’s screen problems, I have been pleasantly surprised by how polished the software is. Samsung is not known for its software prowess (see: Bixby, the company’s Siri/Alexa/Google Assistant rival) but kudos to Samsung and Google for making the phone work, for the most part, really well. Apps transitioned quickly between the two displays, games played smoothly and multi-tasking worked. 

I had some issues with certain apps playing videos simultaneously in multitasking mode (turning the tablet into a quasi-“sports bar,” if you will), but things mostly worked well. 

Ed: One positive for sure seemed to be battery life, which you’d ordinarily wonder about on a device of this size with two screens. It has a dual battery system that works in tandem. And while I didn’t conduct any formal kind of battery test, the Fold appeared to have plenty of juice even after a full day of mixed use.

When closed the Galaxy Fold is roughly the size of two Galaxy S10 line phones. (Photo: Eli Blumenthal, USA TODAY)

  Where do you see this tech going forward? 

Ed: I think foldable designs have a world of potential and are here to stay in one manner or another. Having said that, though, “screen-gate” certainly represents a step back not only for Samsung but for the entire foldable market. 

Of course, the expectation is none of the early foldable phones would be perfect – these are, after all, version 1.0 devices that you’d expect to improve dramatically in their next iterations and beyond.

Still, there are several interesting developments in the foldable space. One device to watch is a rumored foldable Razr phone from Lenovo-owned Motorola.

More: Ready for Motorola’s Razr comeback? The new foldable phone may launch this summer

And another is Huawei’s Mate X, which turned heads recently at the MWC trade show in Barcelona. It faces two big and possibly insurmountable problems. For one thing, if you think Samsung’s phone is pricey, Huawei’s device would cost about $2,600. Then there’s the matter of whether such a phone could even be released in the States anytime soon given the political football over whether Huawei is an agent of espionage for China, something the company has strongly denied.

The front and back of Samsung’s Galaxy Fold. (Photo: Samsung)

Eli: Agreed, though again, I’m still impressed at how far along Samsung has gotten with proving this concept. The problems make it very, very clear that the company has a lot of work to do before anyone should think about buying this device, but you can’t discount the potential for this technology to influence the future of phones and computing. 

What’s does this mean for Samsung? 

Ed: Nothing good. Remember, Samsung is a company that, within our collective memory, had to withstand another PR firestorm over the Galaxy Note 7, which had batteries that caught fire, leading to three separate recalls. It cost Samsung billions of dollars and made it a punchline.

To its credit, Samsung recovered from the Note 7 and presumably can get past this crisis as well. 

But this surely doesn’t help and how Samsung manages the eventual release of the phone will be telling.

Samsung Galaxy Fold (Photo: Samsung)

Eli: A big save for Samsung is the fact that this phone is not yet in the hands of the public. One can only imagine what they would’ve had to deal with if the Fold was already released. 

That’s not to excuse this – the press should not be a way to test whether your product works – but from a PR standpoint, this type of crisis is a black-eye, not a knockout punch. Companies, including Samsung as you mentioned, have dealt with far worse and recovered just fine. 

If Samsung does fix the Fold I do think people will quickly forget all about this issue the same way they have with delays of other failed product launches in the past. 

Worth the price?

Samsung’s Galaxy Fold (Photo: Eli Blumenthal, USA TODAY)

Eli: The more I use this phone, the more I’m reminded of the first iPhone in 2007. High price, limited or missing features, bulky size and questionable design decisions (remember Apple’s recessed headphone jack?). Even with all that, though, you could see the potential. 

As you’ve mentioned, this is very much a first-generation product. And as we’ve discussed, there are plenty of important issues Samsung needs to work out.

At $1,980, no one, except people who need to have the latest and greatest, should buy this phone as their main device. But like with the original iPhone, I’m still bullish on where this goes next. 

Ed: I believe in its potential too. The design is impressive and so is the underlying technology. But even if Samsung didn’t have screen problems, I’m not buying, I just can’t justify spending anywhere near this much.

Follow Ed Baig on Twitter @edbaig; Follow Eli Blumenthal @edblumenthal

Read or Share this story: https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2019/04/23/samsung-galaxy-fold-your-questions-answered/3539446002/

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[90stimkon]

macaroni and cheese

Rating: PG for gushy romance ew Length: 1,556 words  Pairing: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei (matsuhana), background Oikawa Tooru/Iwaizumi Hajime (iwaoi)

Summary: Oikawa insists that Hanamaki and Matsukawa don’t look like a couple. Hanamaki and Matsukawa insist otherwise.

Notes: @cheesyshenanigans made a super cute doodle of matsuhana in these hoodies and it’s been haunting me all day.

my fic | buy me a coffee | commission me

“Oikawa is staring at us strangely,” Matsukawa stage whispers to Hanamaki.

“He always does everything strangely,” Hanamaki stage whispers back.

“I mean the staring at us is strange.”

“Yeah, that is pretty strange. Usually he’s staring at himself.”

“Don’t talk mean about your captain if you know I’m listening!” Oikawa cries, now finally cracking. He looks away pointedly and stomps to the ball cart, not that practicing one of his float serves does anything to deter his two joking teammates, who approach him immediately after.

“So what’s with the staring?” Hanamaki’s the one to asks, but Matsukawa nods behind him, obviously expecting some kind of answer as well.

“I was just thinking,” Oikawa huffs, putting both hands on his hips as though it helps him carry more authority, “that you two don’t look like much of a couple.”

“Well that’s ridiculous,” Matsukawa says. “We’re a couple, so of course we look like one.”

“Yes, I agree,” Hanamaki says. He holds up a finger for silence and attention, and then dramatically showing a hand to his boyfriend: “We finish each other’s--”

“--sandwiches.”

“Ha ha,” Oikawa says dryly. He raises his eyebrow in a way that’s both judgemental and approachable, a way only their captain can manage. “I know that joke already.”

“It’s not a joke,” Hanamaki insists defensively. He does, however, puff out his bottom lip in a mock expression of Oikawa. “I really was thinking about sandwiches.”

“He mentioned it a few minutes ago about what he’d like to eat after practice,” Matsukawa agrees, nodding. He claps his palm on Hanamaki’s shoulder and they both lean their heads in toward each other. It looks about as affectionate as two strangers, but Hanamaki and Matsukawa have never been ones to demand attention in the same way Oikawa does.

Their captain sighs in a rare way. Oikawa’s competitive, mocking, and playful sighs were well known to any Seijou regular, but this sigh sounds…disappointed. “I can never tell when you two are joking or not.”

“We never joke.”

“Ever.”

Oikawa’s honey brown eyes sharpen and by the way he inhales, both of them know he’s about to say something, but whatever it is dies on his tongue the moment Iwaizumi walks up to the ball cart beside them. “You okay?”

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa instantly gushes, wrapping both arms around Iwaizumi’s shoulders and squeezing clothes. “I missed you so much!”

“Hey, not during practice!” Iwaizumi says, but both Hanamaki and Matsukawa note that he’s not trying too hard to push him off. And his insistence that, “it hasn’t even been five minutes since I saw you in the lockers,” is just as weak.

“That’s five minutes too long!” Matsukawa fake gags.

“New couples are so annoying,” Hanamaki says under his breath, just loud enough for Matsukawa to hear.

His boyfriend nods in agreement. “You can never tell when they’re flirting or not.”

-

Hanamaki frowns while they’re watching Netflix curled up on Matsukawa’s couch, and he hits the spacebar to pause the laptop, where it’s sitting half on his thigh and half on Matsukawa’s. Somewhere out there, he’s sure Oikawa and Iwaizumi are rolling around on one of their beds as if they won’t have the chance to kiss a million other times, a thought that sends an annoyed prickle down Hanamaki’s back. Or it could be the fresh memory of today’s practice. “Do you think we’re not coupley enough?”

Matsukawa presses his lips together in thought for a moment and then turns to meet Hanamaki’s gaze. “Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe we aren’t very typical. But we can’t ever let Oikawa know he might be right.”

“Yeah.” Hanamaki sighs and leans into Matsukawa, idly playing with Matsukawa’s fingertips brushing against his shoulder. “Not that I wanna be like Oikawa or Iwaizumi. They’re too…”

“Flashy.”

“And loud.”

“Try hard,” Matsukawa agrees in a tone of finality.

Hanamaki grins widely at their easy, comfortable banter, and his teeth clack a little when Matsukawa smiles back and kisses him.  “We’re totally coupley enough.”

-

“It’s not like there’s a look all couples have, you know?” Matsukawa muses out loud, as they bump knees during lunch. Hanamaki looks up from where he’s eating the pudding Matsukawa bought, raising a brow in question. “If there’s about seven billion people in the world, let’s say there are three-and-a-half billion couples.”

“Remember to subtract the number of sad people who can’t get dates,” Hanamaki reminds, just after pulling out the spoon from between his lips. “And families, probably. Though who knows.”

Matsukawa’s staring right at Hanamaki’s mouth and it takes a moment before he agrees, “right. So that’s about five hundred million couples on earth.”

“Sounds about right, I guess.” Hanamaki shrugs off the question and lets Matsukawa reach out to wipe the bit of chocolate from his lower lip. His eyes narrow as Matsukawa licks his finger clean like it’s nothing. “But so what?”

“So there can’t be anything in common among five hundred million couples.”

“You’re right!” Hanamaki agrees, pointing the spoon at Matsukawa with a glimmer in his eye. “And if there is, we definitely have it.”

“Definitely.”

-

Hanamaki groans and shuts Matsukawa’s laptop shut. Somehow he thought Love, Actually would be funnier than it was, but it just leaves a bad taste in his mouth. “Wanna go to Oikawa’s house without telling him and ruin his make out time with Iwaizumi?”

“Yup.”

-

“Hey, Mattsun, pucker up like we’re the white, heterosexual couple at the very end of a movie,” Hanamaki randomly demands.

Without asking why, Matsukawa does as he’s told, closing his eyes so tightly that his nose scrunches and his lips pucker up absurdly, complete with a really, “chuuuuu.”

Hanamaki would laugh if he wasn’t doing the same, a breath away from Matsukawa’s face. There’s a quick click of the camera’s shutter and Hanamaki pulls away to look at the photo. “Okay, let’s put every ridiculous filter on it and spam Oikawa’s messages with really obnoxious pictures that show we’re a couple.”

“You have to use a soft filter and the ridiculous stickers,” Matsukawa helpfully explains. He points to the most ridiculous stickers with throbbing hearts and I-L-Us written in dainty cursive, stickers that should only be used for the nefarious of selfies. (Oikawa had sent them no less than five selfies of him and Iwaizumi with said sticker in the past two days) “Okay, now draw blushes and sparkles on both of our faces.”

“Oh, that’s good!” Hanamaki chirps, dutifully drawing exaggerated manga blushes and sparkles on them both. “How’s this?”

Matsukawa grins at the parody of romance on Hanamaki’s phone and gives him a thumbs up. “Perfect.”

-

Hanamaki’s phone beeps fifteen minutes later, just after texting a picture of Hanamaki and Matsukawa fluttering their eyelashes at the camera and making a heart with the shape of their hands.

[From: Still Owes Me Ramen] u both suck!!!!!

-

Hanamaki grimaces at his phone wallpaper a week later. He and Matsukawa both thought it would be funny if they changed their wallpapers to same selfie from when they spammed Oikawa, but it gives him goosebumps every time he looks at it now. “It’s kind of gross.”

“Really gross, actually.”

“So gross that I want to delete it.”

“I wasn’t about to suggest it, but I’m glad.”

“Agreed. It’s settled then. It’s gone.” Hanamaki deletes the photo and replaces his wallpaper with one of him and Matsukawa purposefully failing an attempt to form a heart shape with their hands. Matsukawa’s arm is pulled over his head to form half of a full-bodied heart while Hanamaki’s hand is held up to form half a heart shape with his hand. Hanamaki smiles at the old photo; it was his previous wallpaper and he missed it.

-

On a double date with Oikawa and Iwaizumi, Oikawa clings to Iwaizumi’s bicep and cheerfully suggests, “let’s do something fun and say which movie represents our love life! I choose Beauty and the Beast!”

“We’re more like Tangled,” Iwaizumi corrects, bumping his head against Oikawa’s.

Oikawa downright giggles and Hanamaki misses the days when Iwaizumi might have snarkily replied back, ‘who are you calling beast?’ Big sigh.

“How about you two?” Oikawa probes, snuggling impossibly closer to Iwaizumi. “Which movie describes your love life?”

Hanamaki and Matsukawa take one look at each other and say at the same time: “Shrek.”

-

“Yes,” Matsukawa breathes when Hanamaki points to a window display. “We have to get them.”

-

The next time Seijou’s third years are on a double date, Oikawa’s nose wrinkles in disgust the entire time.

“What is it?” Matsukawa asks, half out of irritation. After all, he and Hanamaki hadn’t pulled any pranks to receive that look (yet).

“You two look like a couple,” Oikawa says, sticking out his tongue as if he ate something disgusting. Iwaizumi isn’t so overt, but he’s been watching them worriedly the entire date as well. “It’s weird.”

“He’s the cheese,” Hanamaki says dryly while pointing to Matsukawa.

Matsukawa points to himself. “I’m the cheese.”

Oikawa’s gesturing with his hands in the air that signals a long tirade that’s about to happen while Iwaizumi shakes his head in defeat. It doesn’t matter to Hanamaki that neither of them understand his and Matsukawa’s matching You Are The Cheese To My Macaroni sweaters. All that matters is that he and Matsukawa know they go together like macaroni and cheese.

[chiseler]

THE FRANKFURT SCHOOL FOR WAYWARD GIRLS

Putting "acceptable" limits on depravity in the name of compromise and "reality" is how fascism eventually triumphs. Or so said Professor Yvonne De Carlo of 'Miss Yvonne's Academy for Wayward Hussies' also known as 'The Frankfurt School' --  a place of higher learning for delinquent, pregnant scholars. "Your new president is merely proof that the depraved nature of power is given license by tolerating all but its excesses" said Professor De Carlo as she powdered her ample cleavage in full view of the astonished, pinafore-clad undergrads gathered for her lecture on the 'Dialectic of Fascism and French Manicures Made Easy-Peasy'.

"You want to know what brought Trump to power? Hint: It wasn't a sudden, inexplicable, sewage-strewn wave of raw hatred poised to strike down public schools, libraries and national parks at the behest of a braying, stupid mob of "privileged" former factory workers. It wasn't merely insanity wrought by decades of institutional neglect or unchecked greed -- although that was a big part of it. It was *nice* people willing to accept certain 'realities' to ensure their place at the proverbial table remained a pristine space of individually apportioned, locally sourced food; a place where rhetorical restraint replaced actual political solutions to any given problem.

You chose 'safe' over actual justice -- meaning someone else's kid will take a police bullet to the chest so that we can all read heavily redacted versions of Mark Twain in the peace and comfort of a colorful ball pit of higher learning like our own Frankfurt School, which I should mention was only made possible by a generous corporate donation from a multi-national purveyor of processed pork by-products with vaguely German origins. At the end of it, you'll all be awarded a certificate declaring you free from venereal diseases, and the skills necessary to lower live poultry into a vat of ammonia in a subsidiary facility owned by our trustees. At your age, I was performing burlesque numbers on the mean streets of my Canadian homeland at the behest of my stage mother. But I'll tell you all about that later in the term when we cover 'Hoochie-Coochie Cave Dancing of the Early Ottoman Empire - as Explained by a scantily-clad Miss Yvonne Waving a Jewel-Encrusted Saber'. Consider that your 'trigger warning'. Now let's proceed:

It was enough that we embraced Caitlyn Jenner and applauded Meryl Streep giving the phone book version of the Gettysburg Address to her wealthy patrons -- I could give a better soliloquy while swallowing a sword and balancing a cobra on my head, but I digress . . . It was enough to sprout a 'dad boner' over Pussy Riot to declare ourselves -- "punk rock", even as we devised ways to make earth's human and animal life redundant during brainstorming meetings that took place in an indoor ergonomic playground that served wheat grass martinis on tap. My dear friend Frederick Marcuse who took me under his bosom . . . or was that the other way around . . . argued that the technocratic efficiency of advanced, industrial societies had rendered it 'one-dimensional', and as such, resistant to all critiques of it. Our "aversion to introspection" according to Adorno -- another generous benefactor to the Frankfurt School -- renders left-opposition to Trump little more than an elite-led, sour grape authoritarianism that is unable to contemplate its own role in a paradigmatic shift towards a more 'unprincipled' and unpredictable variety of global aggression. If you don't believe him, just ask a white feminist how writing 'rape culture' on her boobs in sharpie will 'shame the patriarchy', and this will give you some idea about why I start every afternoon coughing up a ball of mentholated phlegm into my cornflakes.

Let me tell you what brought us to this precise moment of imminent planetary collapse: It was "nice" people with library cards and rescue pets accepting the kind of compromises that result in bulldozing homes in the occupied territories of Palestine, imprisoning whistle blowers, putting indigenous land everywhere under threat, and even sodomizing a half dead Pan-African leader while he lay dying in a drainpipe.  

It's the 'realists' who sign off on nearly $40 billion in military 'aid' to Israel so that it can build more settlements in defiance of International law, and the similarly counterproductive reasoning that blames Russian hackers for the DNC's corrupt maneuvering to install its preferred Wall Street-friendly candidate in defiance of roughly half the voting population. The same folks who cry foul the loudest when an asshole takes his rightful place on the golden, Imperial throne after they have spent years polishing it for him, and expanding its powers to flush away civil liberties and environmental protections. Now all of a sudden that reclining, ermine-trimmed commode in the Oval Office is a "hot seat". Back in the day when I was bumping and grinding on the Paramount lot for chump change, Charlton would grab me by the pussy and . . . well, never mind that now. Let's just say that my jungle cat put up a fierce resistance that left a permanent scar on his manhood and not a single scratch on my lady mandibles.  Not sure where any of this is going, but anyhoo . . .

It's the 'nice' -- meaning the technocratically-minded gatekeepers of the 'left', who perform the linguistic feats necessary to justify, say, the involuntary sacrifice of dozens of dead Bedouin wedding celebrants in Yemen to maintain cordial relations with a despotic petrostate that helps prop up a neighboring Apartheid regime equally ill-disposed towards its benefactor. 'This is why we can't have nice things like brutalist revolving restaurants atop Manhattan office towers', they will remind you. Ingrates like you always second-guessing the stuff we do to prevent maniacs from seizing power here at home'. The nice among us, whom we used to call 'Good Germans', prefer that you don't bring 'false equivalency' into reasoned discussion about state-sponsored murder, and focus on the positive . . . like . . . um . . . 'At least under Trump, my sad face selfies will have all the political urgency of Guernica'.  

It's the "nice" that refused to hold Obama's feet to the fire, giving him carte blanche to capitulate wholly to the more clamorous and opportunistic voices of his inner circle without ever troubling his conscience. The guy was so cool he could grant clemency to Chelsea Manning AND bomb a failed state into further oblivion all in the same week. "Nice" folks would never venture into the treacherous waters of condemning or even criticizing your country's first black president for reasons entirely to do with the sort of career-minded, self-preservation that says "Bummer about Leonard Peltier, but Michelle Obama sure rawked that Zac Posen dress on the cover of Vogue!"

When someone *reaches across the aisle*, it's usually to grasp at the last straws of power allotted to them by whichever democratically elected fascist regime happens to control Congress. Or it's a hands-y director trying to cop a feel on a red-eye flight from LA. Yes, Otto Preminger, I'm talking to YOU!

To make a long-winded lecture only as long as it takes to dry one's nails after the second coat of Revlon's 'Dead Roses on a Dusky Tomb': Trump didn't win in spite of your 'reasoned' acceptance of the outgoing president's expanded powers, but because you were willing to rationalize its unsavory aspects long enough to ensure its unchecked and unbridled form reached its inevitable conclusion".

Professor De Carlo then flounced out of the lecture hall with the scent of Shalimar, and two or three shirtless Cabana boys trailing behind her discarded veils. "I'm off to powder my you know what. Class -- and I mean the particular one that conflates legal weed smoking with political resistance - dismissed"!

by Jennifer Matsui

[kristablogs]

Here are all the ways to visit space this decade (if you’re extremely rich)

Axiom Space hopes you’ll enjoy its Phillipe Starcke-designed space accommodations. (Axiom Space/)

Have you always dreamt of leaving Earth? Are you a member of the two, or better yet three commas club? Well it’s a great time to be alive because after decades of delays, the space tourism industry may finally be taking off. Not just the kind Dennis Tito pioneered in 2001, where you buy a ticket from the Russian government to visit the International Space Station (ISS), but real honest-to-goodness free market tourism with multiple private companies vying to turn your hard-earned millions into an out-of-this-world experience.

SpaceX, which is preparing to launch astronauts to the ISS any month now in its newly human-rated Crew Dragon capsule, announced last week that NASA won’t be the only paying customer for its new vehicle. The private company is also offering to launch up to four private citizens into orbit in late 2021 or 2022. And SpaceX is far from the only company on the verge of starting space tourism operations. Here’s a primer to where and when you can go, and how much it might cost you.

Touch the sky

The entry-level trip is the short-but-sweet suborbital flight. You fly more or less straight up at least 62 miles—the boundary between Earth and space, according to the Fédération Aéronautique Internationale—snap a few selfies, and come straight back down. At the peak of the flight you’ll experience a few minutes of weightlessness, see the sky turn black, and finally find out for yourself whether the Earth is round or flat.

Virgin Galactic has been promising to provide this sort of service “this year or next year” for a decade, but this year they might actually deliver. The company is currently conducting the final tests of its VSS Unity spaceplane in New Mexico, and in a presentation to shareholders last fall said that it was targeting summer of 2020 for the first passenger flight. Virgin Galactic has taken deposits from 600 would-be astronauts and will charge $250,000 per seat. While it’s initially targeting clients worth at least $10 million, it expects that economies of scale will soon push down the price, opening the experience to those worth $1 to $5 million, according to the presentation.

In budget space tourism, Virgin Galactic will face competition from Blue Origin, Jeff Bezos’s rocket company. Blue Origin has also developed a crewed capsule that it will launch to a similar height on a rocket, before touching down for a parachute landing. The company’s New Shepard passenger rocket has made multiple test flights and could start commercial flights this year, CEO Bob Smith told CNBC.com last fall.

Around the world in 90 minutes

Those looking for some quality time in space may want to hold out for the orbital flight SpaceX announced last week. Having already demonstrated its Crew Dragon capsule’s ability to reach orbit (and safely escape an exploding rocket), SpaceX is partnering with tourism company Space Adventures to offer orbital flights around the Earth in 2021 or 2022.

“This historic mission will forge a path to making spaceflight possible for all people who dream of it,” said Gwynne Shotwell, SpaceX’s President, in a press release. (Or at least those with wallets as big as their dreams).

Interested individuals will earn bragging rights as the highest-flying private astronaut to date, as the Crew Dragon will orbit more than twice as high as the International Space Station. Participants would enjoy a view of the planet unseen since the Gemini program in the 1960s, according to the press release, and would enjoy weightlessness throughout the orbit or orbits—each of which would last about 90 minutes.

Space Adventures hasn’t announced a price, but tens of millions would be a reasonable guess. NASA will pay about $55 million per Crew Dragon seat and an earlier SpaceX deal (which has since fallen through) with Bigelow Space Operations priced seats at $52 million, but both of those missions involved visits to the ISS. This orbital flight is a “free flyer” and won’t rendezvous with any craft in orbit, which could make it a bit more affordable.

A stay in a many-star hotel

Spending a few nights in orbit is a conceivable goal for this decade, but details remain vague and the experience would, in some cases, require building new hardware.

NASA announced last summer that it will allow tourists to sleep on the ISS for the bargain price of $35,000 a night. But before you go cancelling your Virgin Galactic seat, keep in mind that figure represents the bare-bones price that a space tourism company will pay NASA. Unless you have your own rocket, you’ll likely be paying a much steeper cost for a whole package that includes training and transportation.

Bigelow Space Operations immediately announced that it had purchased four seats on SpaceX’s Crew Dragon capsule and would be charging about $52 million each for a one to two month visit to the ISS, although those plans have since been cancelled.

One question is where tourists would sleep, as the ISS doesn’t exactly have a ton of vacancies. To that end NASA recently reached an agreement with Houston company Axiom Space to build a commercial segment and attach it to the ISS. Parts could launch as early as 2024, and would be Axiom’s first steps toward assembling its own private space station—one featuring designer interiors and wi-fi. Axiom hopes to start offering 10-day stays on the ISS next year, according to its website. It doesn’t list a price but NASA spaceflight reports that the company signed a contract with a customer last year worth $55 million.

Challenging Axiom in the private space station arena could be a company called Orion Span, which aspires to open the doors of its Aurora space station in 2022. A 12-night excursion will reportedly cost $9.5 million—a true bargain considering that it includes the launch price (rocket TBD). No word lately if Orion Span is on track to meet its 2021 launch goal, but the website accepts fully refundable $80,000 deposits in USD, Bitcoin, Ethereum, and other cryptocurrencies. Don’t lose that receipt.

To the moon and beyond

If you’re planning a trip beyond low earth orbit in the foreseeable future, your name is probably Yusaku Maezawa. In 2018 SpaceX founder Elon Musk revealed that Maezawa, the billionaire founder of Japanese fashion site Zozotown, had booked a trip to fly around (note: not “to”) the moon on the Starship rocket—Musk’s vision for a heavy lifting, fully reusable system that will service orbit, the moon, and Mars.

Starship is currently under rapid development, with SpaceX producing many simple prototypes as it moves toward its first orbital flight. Neither Maezawa nor SpaceX has said how much he’ll be paying for the historic week-long flight, but Musk has said that Maezawa’s support has contributed to development costs, which he estimates at $2 to $10 billion. Maezawa recently stepped back from his retail company, selling a controlling stake for $2.6 billion—in part to allow more time to train for the moon mission, Forbes reports.

But if all those destinations are too rich for your blood, there’s always Mars. Building a million-person city will be an all-hands-on-deck enterprise, and Musk has long said he aims to get one-way ticket prices down to a modest $500,000 so that middle class folk can afford to sell their homes and join the Martian workforce. Or, failing that, you can always take out a loan and work it off through indentured servitude.