#it was so vivid that when I woke up just now I’m so sad

[soul-likeasecretinyourthroat]

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[igotanidea]

Bad day : Dick grayson x fem!reader

Summary: some days are just shitty for no particular reason.

Warning: swearing, apart from that fluff.

***

She had no idea what she had been expecting.

It was freaking Gotham.

Of course it had to rain all the time.

Like seriously, all the fucking time.

Any other day she would probably just let it slip, but not today.

This one particular October Monday turned out to be the nail to the coffin.

From the early morning everything was going uphill.

She woke up without Dick by her side which made her worried and like crying. (can’t blame the girl, her boyfriend was a vigilante for god’s sake!). and what was even worse was that radio silence on his part. Most probably he was on some super-secret undercover mission (damn his ass!)

Every other member of her team at work were absent for personal reason (shit, Y/N had enough of personal reasons to stay at home for a week and yet, she didn’t right?!).

Everyone wanted something from her all at once with the yesterday deadline which left her completely drained.

Her brain was definitely all over the place, disenabling her from any focus, her mind focusing on only one thing.

Getting home.

Grabbing a blanket.

And hiding from the whole world.

“Y/N…?” one of her co-workers from another department approached her carefully. Y/N was usually the energetic, positive type so the rumours about her mood switch spread like lighting.

“what?!” she snapped, her mixed up feelings finally finding a way to the surface. However, she quickly regretted it upon seeing her colleague terrified face. “God!” she half-groaned, half-squealed “I’m sorry…. I’m sorry….” She rubbed her forehead in frustration “I’m just having a really bad day… Didn’t mean to yell at you or anything.”

“It’s fine. We all have bad days.” The other girls said and Y/N couldn’t help but be grateful at her understanding. “Can I help you with something though, Y/N?”

“No..” she shook her head. “No, I just have to push through I guess. But thanks either way.”

The other girl just nodded and exited the room, closing the door tight leaving Y/N to deal with her hormones, anxiety and mixed up feelings.  

***

It felt like the hours at work stretched into minutes, every other one becoming more and more gruesome and Y/N hated it.

She literally, truly madly deeply hated it.

To add to it all, the second she left her work, some fucking stupid driver decided to drive the car straight into the giant puddle next to the pavement, causing a little fountain that splayed and wetted the poor girl. She barely held back from yelling at the man, but did not stop herself for sending a middle finger his way.

Half-depressed, cold, alone and drenched she dragged her ass into her apartment ready to cry her heart out while holding a pillow and drown her sorrows into her comfort food she had stacked in the kitchen cupboard.

Yes, she definitely felt like throwing a little pity party for one.

But.

There are multiple occasions in life when you just don’t know how you feel. And that was the case that one Monday.

When she opened the door to her apartment all the sorrow and sadness seemed to evaporate in a second replaced by something way more ….vivid.

“FUCK!” she yelled at the top of her lungs, throwing her bag on the floor and kicking her shoes, punching the wall and regretting it because of the immediate pain. “fuck! Fuck! Fuckety fucking fuck day!”

She threw her coat on the floor, not caring about it getting dirty or crumpled and headed straight toward kitchen to grab that little packet of cookies saved for the rainy day (literally).

“What the fuck now!?” she started rummaging through the cupboard but her little treat was nowhere to be found. “WHAT. THE. FUCK!?”

“Y/N……?”

“SHIT!!”

She jumped at the sound, not recognising that little, a bit scared voice coming from the side of the couch. Out of complete instinct she grabbed the fork from the drawer and aimed it at the potential opponent.

However, before she could truly attack the person with that makeshift weapon, the light went on and much to her surprise Y/N realised it was her boyfriend napping on her couch, an empty cookie box laying on the floor next to him, making it impossible to hide the hideous crime he committed.

“DID YOU EAT MY COOKIES?!”

“Y/n…… baby?” Dick stuttered, his eyes growing wide at his girl current state. He has never seen her this angry, like never and it was way more terrifying than all the Gotham villains combined together. And apparently he added to it, by not thinking she might actually want those snacks that were already outdated after all! “Princess?” he whispered, not sure whether he should hug her or run away from her. She was truly fury incorporated.

“AND WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!? Do you have any fucking idea how worried and stressed I was?!”

“I got an idea……” Dick muttered

“DON’T YOU DARE TALKING BACK TO ME DICK GRAYSON!!”

“Y/N…. love…..” he gathered all the courage to take a few steps towards her, still keeping a safe distance from the fork.  “Are you on your period, or something baby? “ his voice was shaking a little bit knowing he was quite literally stepping on thin ice.

“Take another step and I’ll dig this fork into your arm! You fucking disappeared! No note, no text, nothing!”

“Honey……” he whispered carefully, not stopping “Do you need chocolate, cuddles, a hug?” another few steps forward and he noticed how drenched she was, how her makeup was flowing down her cheeks in a thick black streak and how tired and confused she was. “Come on, babe…..Just…. tell… me…” he slowly reached for her hand and gathered the fork, throwing it away and wrapping arms around her before she had enough time to escape him.

“LET GO OFF ME!!” she struggled against his grip.,

“no.” he said simply, holding her tighter to him

“I’m being serious!!”she cried out, tussling even more, even though she obviously had zero chances against him.

“so I am.”

“DICK!”

“Y/N.”

“LET GO!”

“No. You know I’ll never let go of you.”

“I….I…..!”

“Yes, baby?” one of his hand found a way to the back of her head caressing her hair and neck, the other resting on the small of her back repeating the same gesture there.

And that was enough to finally make her cry. She let out all those tears of frustration, fear, anger, sense of unfairness….. everything that’s been babbling inside her for the entire day for no particular reason.

“Shhhh…..” she rocked back and forth with her in a gentle, repetitive motion, being her rock, her strength, her protection “Shh…. Let it all out……”

“I hate this fucking city!!” she sobbed, clinging onto him, not caring about the fact she was making him wet as well. She just couldn’t anymore.

“I know, sunshine….” He agreed, kissing her dump hair.

“I fucking hate everyone!”

“Mhm…. Sure…..” he didn’t stop, grabbing her hand and putting it on her heart, unclenching her fingers

“I….I….. I…..” she stuttered and sniffled feeling his steady heartbeat that seemed to calm her down.

“Yes, love?” Dick asked putting one finger under her chin forcing her gaze up on him. “what is, sweet-pea?”

“I don’t know…..” she pouted in an adorable manner, looking at him, looking like a grumpy 5 year-old.

“You are adorable like that.” Dick smiled at her and he meant it. Yes, she was looking like a wet chicken, but she was his wet chicken. And even if so, that little outlook could not kill the shine of her eyes, the redness of her lips and her general cuteness. Her cheeks were a little flushed due to the cold, her nose making her look like a Rudolf, the reindeer and that smudges mascara  only added to that feeling forming in Dick’s heart and warming his insides. She needed him. His little babygirl needed his care, his protection, his affection. And he was more than happy to provide her with all the love and attention he could possibly muster. “Baby?” he asked with a huge smile.

“Hmmmmm…..” she muttered in a feigned annoyance, and Dick could not help but chuckle at her expression. “Stop laughing at me!”

“I’m sorry….” Dick leaned forward and kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose and then pecked her lips briefly making her whine and close her eyes. “God, I love you.” He planted another, a little longer and more passionate kiss on her soft, wet, warm mouth. “You make me crazy for you, even when you look like a taylor swift in blank space” he chuckles, cupping her cheek and rubbing through the black stains there.

“I knew you were a swiftie!” she laughed in some wicked sense of victory.

“Oh, now…. here’s that smile I love.” Dick leaned his forehead on hers and all of a sudden she felt so calm with his presence next to her. He truly was a golden boy.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you….” She whispered

“It’s ok love.”

“No… No it’s not…. I’m not like that normally……” she pulled back, desperately trying to explain herself. “I mean it, I’m sorry…. Shouldn’t have let out my frustration on you. You have enough on your plate.”

“What I have on my plate …. What takes the most space is my beautiful girlfriend with anger management issues.“

“HEY!” she cried out at his fairly offensive words .

“I’m not mad I swear.” Dick chuckled at her uproar

“Shut up and take my freaking apologies Grayson!” she grinned and tried to punch him, but he was quick enough to grab her fist, put it to her mouth and kiss every one of her knuckles and  his gaze fixed on her made her melt.   

“I love you, baby…..” he whispers, grabbing her waist and pulling her close, his hand traveling up and down her side in a calming, gentle, loving and caring motion.

“Just…..” she cuts off, all the negative replaced by sheer love and adoration of this unbelievable man, who gives her everything she may ask for, even is she herself doesn’t know what she needs at the moment.

“Let me take care of you…..” Dick murmured into her ear, brushing his nose over her hair, inhaling her scent, his breath on her skin making her almost dry out. “Let me help you out, baby……” his fingers brushed over her cheek and neck, moving to the top button of her shirt.

“D-d-dick…..”

“I don’t want you to get sick, darling…..” he smirked, still playing with that little piece of plastic making her whole body shiver.

“I-I…..”

“How about I run you a bath?” his voice was so hotly hoarse and deep that if he asked her to jump into the fire she would do it without hesitation. She was completely lost in him. In the way his hands were touching her, in the way his eyes were shining and scanning her with so many feelings, in the way he was making her legs shake.

“U-uh-uhuh…..” she whimpered.

“Good….”

***

 It took him five minutes to get rid of her clothes, fill the tub with warm (not hot!) water and pour her favourite foam bath inside.

“Come on, princess. Hop in.” he offered her a hand making sure she wouldn’t slip and fall. It was admirable how he was focused entirely on making her relax and not on the way her naked body was moving In front of him.

Such a gentleman.

He didn’t even get distracted by that little moan she let out involuntarily once the warmth spread all over her tensed muscled.

“Enjoying yourself, babe?” he smirked reaching for the loofah and slowly starting to move it around her back, making sure to work out all the knots.

“You have no idea…..” she whispered letting her tensed shoulders relax under his touch.

“I actually think I do…..” he flicked her hair away and kissed the back of her neck and her shoulder, making sure to not choke on the suds.  “All the best for my beautiful girl.”

“Dickie…..” she let out another soft whimper

“Yes….?”

“Will you wash my hair too?” she chuckled

“well I said everything, didn’t I?”

***

He even went as far as removing her makeup making sure to properly clean up all her skin, pecking her  cheeks and nose and forehead and eyelids, not stopping until a little blush crept up on her face and he saw that pretty bright smile once more.

Almost an hour later, after he thoroughly  dried her out with the big fluffy towel, kissing every inch of her skin in the process and dressed her up in jammies, she was sitting on her couch, tightly wrapped up in the warm soft blanket.

Feeling completely taken care of.

And with Dick serving as her pillow, because he refused to let her go anywhere from his embrace. Instead, he grabbed her by the waist, pulling her straight on top of him, his arms wrapping around her. At first his tight hold almost prevented her from breathing but once she started hyperventilating he let go.

Slightly.

“Feeling any better?”  he murmured against her freshly washed hair, smelling like lavender. “god, you do smell good. Might steal your shampoo from you….”

“Well I say you deserved it.” She chuckled, snuggling closer to him, her head resting on his chest. She sighs deeply and it’s the biggest reward for him. Seeing her content and relaxed instead of stressed and yelling at him in the middle of the room trying to poke his eye out with a cutlery. This was his girl… his pretty, perfect, happy babygirl.

“Love you….” He  breathed out kissing the top of her head, holding her closer once more and this time not getting any complaints. 

“Hey… Dick?”

‘Yeah, baby?”

“Thank you…. I know I’ve been a little bit mean today…..”

“a little?” he raised an eyebrow and grinned unable to stop himself.

“Grayson….” She said in a warning tone.

“You know I can’t stay mad at you and you’re just using that against me!” he exhaled dramatically making her laugh. “I’m glad I could be of help with fixing your bad day. Cause that was just it right? One bad day? You won’t be  throwing knives at me next time you’re angry?”

“can’t make any promises….” She kissed the top of his nose. “I’ll try my best though.”

“I can work with that…..”

And just like that they slowly started to drift off in each other’s arms while that stupid fucking calm  rain played a sleepy melody on the windowsill.

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

May I request angst headcanons for all six blorbos? Please I am sick and in desperate need for sadness to feel better lol (it’s ok if you can’t tho!)

YESSSSS I GET TO ANGST THEMMMMMM :)

New York, Louisiana, Texas, Gov, Massachusetts, and New Jersey? I apologize in advance. (I do not feel bad at all lmao)

New York:

He will 100% cry or at least struggle not to cry if someone makes fun of the fact he can’t walk right.

Hella insecure about the fact that it’s really difficult for him to be able to gain weight. It doesn’t help that he was bullied about it when he went to school.

NY actually did very well in school and was a bright smart student, but his classmates and teachers were absolute ASSHOLES to him.

Him and sleep are the type of enemies that if one was on fire and the other had a glass of water, the one with the water would drink it. So- NY is tired ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. But if he tries to sleep, he can’t. And if he does manage to fall asleep, he just wakes up an hour later whether it just be out of nowhere or he has a nightmare.

Louisiana:

When France killed Loui’s mother, Loui’s mom actually put a curse on France that would give him terrible and vivid nightmares, ones that were so vivid that the victim could feel the phantom pain even after they woke up. But ofc since Louisiana has a heart where he should have a brain, he felt bad and took the curse off of France and put it on himself. Which is one of the reasons that he can’t sleep now. And most of his nightmares are about France’s abuse and war so. Yeah. He feels it all.

So like- Loui is a very kind, very gentle, and very big-hearted person. And he wants nothing but the best for most people. Unfortunately, this has led to him being used and hurt and manipulated more times than anybody is comfortable with hearing. And it’s usually the people he loves most that end of hurting him.

He finds it hard to believe that everybody actually loves him and cares about him. He just- can’t believe it. Yeah, he’ll say he believes it, but he doesn’t. Not fully at least.

For my cryptid/animal stuff, I picture Loui to be some blend of either a wolf and gator, or a wolf and Pelican. But he has the wolf ears and tail. They’re usually out, but they’re just hidden under his hat and in his shirt. Why does he keep them hidden? Well- his ears and tails are VERY sensitive to pain. And France use to take advantage of that by stepping on his tail and yanking on his ears and yelling constantly cuz he knew that it hurt Louisiana. I’m gonna skin France alive.

Texas:

When he gets way too damn tired to even want to exist, he’ll just completely give up. He’ll just lay there and cry. He won’t even try to fight someone coming to front, he’ll just let it happen. Someone needs to sit this poor boy down and help him talk about his issues please I’m begging-(no let him suffer <3)

The only time he ever opens up is if he’s drunk or if Austin is fronting. And when he comes back to front, he’ll completely ignore everyone and isolate himself.

I’m very very nice to him and I’ve given him: asthma, an iron deficiency, and hemophilia (so he bleeds REALLY easily). He absolutely REFUSES to take his medications and stuff and use his inhaler when he needs it. And all he does is work outside and lift and do stuff all day. Which he gets really dizzy and winded and hurt from. So cue someone finding him completely dazed and out of it leaning against a wall just so he can keep standing and he’s just trying to control his breathing and all of that.

He absolutely loves giving and receiving hugs and physical affection, but if ANY touch restrains and/or restricts his movement and ability to escape, someone is getting kicked, punched, bitten, slapped, or all the above.

Gov:

Oh Gov. Poor, poor, not-so-innocent Gov….. he needs a nap. Desperately. And a hug. Please. He needs it. So, so bad.

He has PA’s alcohol addiction, but instead it’s caffeine cuz he’s seen what alcohol does to people and fears becoming like PA.

He has TERRIBLE dissociation episodes that usually end with him just passing tf out.

Gov felt as though the Civil War was mostly his fault and pinned the blame on himself for some reason. He felt as though he had done something wrong that made half of his country wanted to leave.

Massachusetts:

Blames himself for almost everything that happened to his siblings. Even though literally NONE of it was his fault.

His biggest fears are failure, and hurting those he loves. He can’t stand the thought of it AT ALL. He can’t.

Often fears that he’s not “masculine enough” since England always told him that ever since he transitioned.

He tries not to use his magic as much after the Salem Witch Trials happened. Cuz he got beat and burned at the stake at least once or twice and would rather not relive that pain.

New Jersey:

Okay- tbh, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, and he’s kinda insecure about that cuz he was never as smart and creative as his brothers.

Will literally hold in his tics until he’s alone, and usually by that time, he’s incredibly uncomfortable and maybe even in a bit of pain.

For the cryptid/animal stuff: one of his horns is cracked and a little shorter than the other because England broke one of them. Asshole.

His biggest fears are: the death of his loved ones and hurting his loved ones (oh look he has something in common with Ma-*gets choked*)

[charmedreincarnation]

My experience with my waiting room 🌌🌌

What is a waiting room

Firstly, A waiting room is simpily just another reality within realities where individuals can transition between two different states of being. There are many variations of waiting rooms, but they all serve the same purpose – to bridge the gap between different realities. Personally for me as a permeant shifter, I will eventually make my current waiting room my new point of origin. That just basically means instead of going to heaven or coming back here after “death” or whatever I just go to my waiting room when I’m done with lives. But you can use it however you want, that’s just how I use mine. Or at least I will in the future. A lot of people use it to rest, learn, take mental breaks from various realities and etc :)! You can cater it to you however you like just as you would any other reality because that’s literally what it is.

My first shift to my waiting room

My first ever shift which I had no intentions of going to, was a waiting room of sort. I remember it was winter and I was balls deep into my seasonal depression and I was having a horrible time at work. I literally just wanted to die and I remember using a meditation to calm my crying down, and after a while I forgot about my emotions. I just asked the universe to show me anything atp to prove to me I’m not wasting my time with shifting and it does get better. After a while instead of hearing SpongeBob in the background I heard waves instead. I don’t know where the hell I was but it wasn’t my house anymore. I woke up at a beach, and I immediately knew it wasn’t a dream because I felt the warm sand on my body and when I got into the water, I felt the splash of my feet and saw my reflection clearly. Honestly I was experiencing vivid tranquility so I didn’t really care where I was. I just wasn’t sad or tired anymore. I ended up falling asleep on the beach for what felt like I couple of hours but before I did I just hoped I didn’t have to go to work the next day. Anyways I woke up back in this reality and well work got cancelled because of the weather even though it was not in the forecast. I don’t know if it was a random waiting room reality, or a wish void state of sort, but that was my first real out of body experience.

Anyways that’s not my real waiting room…

I became friends (online)with a sound engineer who got into shifting and wanted to use me as a test subject for a fool proof shifting subliminal using science and experiments. Well it obviously worked and I shifted to a real waiting room with intention! It was my first actual shift that I intended, and I was super happy. I spent a whole day there basically just exploring all my options. Switching the aesthetics of my waiting room like a phone case or something lol. I added various amenities, experimented spawning in people and various animals etc etc. after I came back I still had no idea what I wanted my waiting room to look like but I made this a problem for later tbh. It was a very enriching experience regardless :)

Here are the links to the subs btw sub 1, sub 2. you can also explore all the other subliminals he created, as he has a bunch !

after sometime I ended up meeting some super dope people who are all probably my twin flames and we have a group waiting room now. This makes more sense because it wasn’t the waiting room was that was the problem, I just don’t want to be alone and I love people! Plus I will spend a while in my wr and use it for essentially eternity so I’m glad I figured out my problem and filled it with awesome fulfilling people :)!

Anyways I know this wasn’t very long, vivid, or specific but I don’t spend much time in wrs as of now ..and very much use this reality as my break between realities. But if you have any more specific questions my asks are ofc open 💗

[maltmealo]

Chapter 13: Apologies

That-"

"Yeah."

"We did that?"

"Adorable arent they?"

--------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Doctor

I didn’t know you for very long, I wish I had. You seemed like a nice guy regardless of how silent you were or how little you spoke with your hands. Maybe you hate me in whatever afterlife you choose, I know I certainly would have been angry at whoever was stupid enough to drive off a cliff. Stupid is a generous word for what I did, but I hope you know that I am sorry.

The pencil rests in your hand loosely, the trembling of your hands makes it hard to write neatly. The words scrawled on the paper feel empty, useless in the face of the grave you dug for an innocent bystander.

You deserved more, I know you can’t read this but

The pencil. A tool used to erase mistakes and make something better. But you weren’t a pencil, you were a sad little human writing a letter to a dead man.

The pencil is dropped and the paper crumpled, ending up in the trash, or more likely beside it, with the multitude of other letters you tried to write.

“Can’t find the words?” Nurse Darby asked from beside you, looking from your vitals to you.

Nurse Darby had been there when you woke up, with a warm smile and a kind voice in the stark white hospital room.

“Words are useless, he’s dead and can’t hear them,” You say solemnly, looking down at your casted arm as Nurse Darby comes up to you.

“Maybe not, but it’s still nice to get your feelings out there,” She offers, picking up the pencil and piece of paper and setting it on the food tray in front of you, already cleaned off from your earlier breakfast.

“Why does that matter? He’s dead.” You scoff, leaning back and staring at the paper with disdain. You would’ve crossed your arms but the cast prevented it.

“He may be dead, but you’re not, he’s not going to hate you for letting your feelings out,” she laughs, shaking her head and giving you a sympathetic smile, “you’re a sweet girl, I’m sure he knew that as well as anyone who talks to you for more than five seconds.”

“When I first came in I was screaming and bit someone,” you state bluntly, the memories of being wheeled in on a stretcher all too vivid in your head, the unbearable ache in your chest, the feeling of something being ripped away from you piece by piece like a wet paper towel.

“Eh, most of the people here are,” She shrugs, picking up the clipboard again and looking it over, “It looks like we’re releasing you soon, That Agent Fowler fella came by about an hour ago and signed your release form.”

As if on cue, there was a knock on the door and Agent Fowler stepped in, adjusting his tie as he sent you a smile.

“Glad to see you’re awake, Miss,” he says, standing beside your bed as he puts a hand on your uninjured shoulder, “We were quite worried about you, but it seems like we had nothing to worry about.”

“Agent Fowler,” You greet, giving him a tired smile as you sit up a bit straighter, more than happy to see a familiar face.

“Nurse, may we have a moment?”

“Of course, just press the call button if you need me,” she turns to you, gesturing to the remote with a big red button beside you.

She leaves the room, the door closing behind her with a click. Agent Fowler shuts the blinds to the office, turning back to you with a serious look.

“Breakdown escaped,” he starts grimly, crossing his arms as he walks to the window to the outside, “When we went to collect him he was gone, apparently getting crushed by a mountain means nothing to those ‘cons.”

You didn’t know how to feel about that, he seemed like a normal guy, except for the obvious metal part, and he was nice to you. Well, niceish. He did almost crush you, but other than that he was okay.

“We’ll be taking you back to the base, it was too dangerous to move you earlier but now it's a must, we can only hide you for so long.”

“Oh,” you say, looking down at your feet, “right, thank you.”

You don’t know why you were sad, you would be safe with the Autobots, and they would get you home after the war ends, right?

Then again, your injuries had been mostly due to the giant ‘bots. Ratchet breaking what was supposedly keeping your soul from dissipating, the Autobots' carelessness in letting a Decepticon sneak into their base, Bulkhead not even taking a second to break Breakdown’s chest, his death.

“Here, put these on, they should be your size,” Agent Fowler sets a bag down on the bed, unzipping it for you and pulling the set of clothes out.

You look at the clothes in your lap and then at the cast on your arm, a blank look on your face.

“I can go get the nurse if you need help,” Fowler says quickly, noticing your look, “I would help you myself but I doubt you want me to do that.”

The rustling of paper caught both of your attention, your note was picked up off the ground, dark slim fingers uncrumpling the note ever so gently, black eyes reading the letter.

“Ah, doctor Sowa, you’ve arrived, good.” Agent Fowler said with a smile, looking at the man, clad in a lab coat and all.

He nods in response, not looking up from the note.

You’re stunned, he wasn’t dead.

He finally looks up and takes the pen, flipping your abandoned note over and writing on it.

I will help, it says, the scribbles barely legible, almost like a first grader who just learned how to write. He holds it up for Fowler to see, tapping the pen against the paper before pointing at the door, a silent command.

“Ah, I’ll take that as my cue, I will be waiting outside, Miss.” he smiles at you again, giving your shoulder a comforting squeeze before leaving the room.

The silence was almost deafening, you couldn’t help but stare, he didn’t even have a scratch on him, not at all beat up like someone who supposedly fell a hundred feet.

He flips the paper over again, reading the unfinished note intensely before looking back up at you.

Again, he flips the paper, showing you the scribbles, and then gesturing to the clothes.

“Oh.” is all you could mutter, your voice caught in your throat.

He pauses before pulling the sheets down, grabbing your uninjured arm, and pulling you to your feet, your legs (after not having stood up for three days) gave out.

He stared down at you for a moment, pulling you back up onto the bed with surprising strength from such a scrawny-looking man. Letting you go and crossing his arms, not assumed by the situation.

You stare back up at him, finally regaining your voice.

“I thought you were dead,” You whisper meekly, suddenly not feeling too well.

He grabs the piece of paper again, tapping ‘help’ before offering his hand to you. You take it and he stands you up, putting a hand under your arm to keep you from falling.

“I’m sorry.”

Nothing, he gets you out of the hospital gown.

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

He helps you into a loose t-shirt, large enough for your cast to fit through.

“How did you survive?”

He pauses, shaking his head before helping you into pants, considerably easier than the shirt.

“Am I hallucinating?”

He looks up at you, the narrow green eyes showing no hint of what he is thinking. He shakes his head.

“You’re not even hurt,” you say, not able to process the fact that he just saw you nude, how many times do you get to see someone you thought was dead, alive, and well?

He doesn’t respond, going outside of the room and coming back with a wheelchair, helping you get into it without hurting yourself even more.

It’s quiet except for the usual clammer of the hospital, babies screaming, people crying, people complaining.

Suddenly he stops, letting a screaming and crying woman be ushered past, she looked like she had been dumped into a bucket of blood and then slammed into a wall. She was cradling an unmoving bloody mass, the thing that made you gag was the little hand attached by strings of flesh hanging out the wad of flesh.

Sowa’s head moves with the gurney, staring at the bloody mess, not willing or able to move.

“Hey, what happened?” You ask one of the passing nurses, the image burns into your brain.

“Car crash, it was flipped into a ditch,” he explains, watching as they usher her into a room, “poor woman, she was here last month to give birth.”

You utter a thank you to the nurse and he nods, going on about his day, you still haven’t moved yet, Sowa was staring in the direction they had gone, the faint screaming in the distance an eerie howl of a new mother pain.

“Hey, Doctor, are you okay?” You ask, shifting in your seat to look up at the unblinking man, tears forming in the corners of his eyes and dripping down his face, a race to the bottom of his chin only to be soaked up by the fabric of his mask.

He reaches up and touches his cheeks, his head slowly turning to look in front of him as he begins to move again, tears still falling from his eyes.

The first emotion you get from the doctor is his pain, it feels ironic as you reach up and put a hand on his, hoping it would offer some amount of comfort.

You enter the empty elevator, clicking the button for the bottom floor as Sowa stands behind you.

“I know I'm not in any place to say but, I’m sorry,” you say as you maneuver your body to look at him, the burning pain feeling like nothing, “I know the look of someone who lost a kid.”

He doesn’t look down at you, staring straight ahead as he gets ready to get off the elevator, you turn back around. You don’t know what you expecting, he’s probably still mad at you for driving off a cliff, he doesn’t want to hear words of pity from a person who almost killed him-

He places a hand on your shoulder, the grip gently yet firm as he taps your shoulder.

One

Two

Three.

[moroser]

[incoming long and personal and dark post]

it dawned on me that it’s april and that means it’s been 6 years since i stopped doing drugs. big achievement. i did weed the whole time, thinking i needed it to keep away from the worse stuff, but i stopped that too, almost 2 months ago now. everything i’m about to talk about i did without anyone in my life (offline) noticing and all by myself.

my entire life has been unstable and so difficult. and i mean difficult and sad. i used to drink pretty heavily, but i stopped when i found pills. i was taking pretty much any opioid i could find, i even stole them. i was text book addict with pills. i had every excuse to keep going with it, it made sense to me at the time. i was in so much pain mentally, emotionally, and eventually, physically. taking them was reprieve. 

eventually, i was taking so many a day, quite honestly i should have died. my brain was blank, i lost my creativity and i stopped drawing, which is the one thing i love the most to do. create. even though i did not stop, the fact i felt nothing in that realm anymore was heartbreaking. i’d spent several nights staring at the ceiling practically waiting to die. i had one dream that i can remember while on drugs and it was of me staring at myself opened-eyed and dead on my bed. it shook me.

the drugs affected my ability to think, cry and feel, then one day on my way to work, after taking so many, i got so sick on the side of the road on the freeway several times. eventually i pulled off into a town i didn’t know and passed out in the parking lot of a gas station for who knows how long. i woke up dazed with the taste of puke in my mouth, and totally dehydrated. i missed work, i was embarrassed with myself. i have no idea how long i sat there for before getting out of the car to walk around. eventually i made it home but i felt like i wasn’t the same after that. 

decided to detox (after trying before, and failing), which was the worst events i’ve been through in my life. took days, nearly a week to get over the worst of the symptoms. i don’t think i slept at all. i was so sick, shakes and chills, vomiting, etc. i let spongebob play for the entire time, that sponge grounded me lol. i’d made it through that time. and i stuck too it, using my desire to feel my creativity again and wanting to be better to my body to stay away from relapse. 

2017 i cleared my system of alcohol, pills, energy drinks, pop, and the only thing i’d let myself use was weed because i felt it would stop me from everything else. and technically, it did. it aided me for a long time. but the passed ~3 years i’ve been so ill with stomach issues and nausea and throwing up that i decided to stop that too. 

so now i’ve been completely sober for 1 month and 21 days. for the first time since high school i have nothing in my system that is altering me the way substance abuse has. it’s been a major adjustment. my focus is shit, my sleeping is difficult and my dreams are insanity. it literally feels like i’m sleeping just to wake up somewhere else because my dreams are so vivid and clear. i wake up every four hours having to adjust and remember i actually live here, not in dreamland. i didn’t dream at all while on drugs or weed, so in a way, i welcome the vibrancy of them. 

looking back, none of those things helped me. they only broke and shrouded my spirit with a darkness i don’t want to feel ever again. i want to be healthy and i want to give my body the chances that it deserves. i want to heal properly. i want to live so much. i want to find someone to be with that will understand me and accept me even with my flaws and history. i feel better already, but i know there’s still a long journey ahead and i can only hope it gets better. i deserve better. i know i’m a good person. i know i have so much creative potential in me and it’s what i want to give my energy and soul to.  

thanks for listening, if you read this. i am proud of myself for getting as far as i have but the support from my friends and strangers online has been a colossal sense of communal help i’ve never had offline. sharing my art has been a big help and just people enjoying it means so much to me. thank you.  

[peppereddaze]

OKAY- HOLD ON-

So I just had a really weird dream last night- a really weird one! I dreamed about how the newest Layton game came out- you know it- ‘World Of Stream.’

I dreamed that I got it for Christmas and that I played it!

I can’t even begin to explain what happened!?

So-

Luke is grown and a detective and friends with this older famous engineer- who made everything in the now highly steampunk-futuristic looking America!?

He was like half robot! Had a visor and everything that showed his little emotions! Gold and blue steampunk-style look with these epic steampunk gauntlet claws! He actually was disabled- an amputee only having his one leg and the rest of his limbs where missing after an incident and replaced with cool prosthetics! He was also half-blind. His name was Arlo! I can’t remember his full name but it was Arlo! It was probably something cooler- but I’m calling him Arlo!

A ‘comic relief’ and mascot character of this little robot character named Whim! They were small and blue and had these little pipes that went from their back to their head which steam came out of! They had a full-face visor that showed their expressions through icons and such! They were like Arlo’s first creation and they looked more janky, goofy but- Omigosh I loved them!?

They were witty and a lil sarcastic but in a funny way and just- helpful and they had character and a story! They were loyal as anything to Arlo and joined the little main cast perfectly.

So like usual- drama and mystery’s occur about some flip-flop book of memories, Arlo looking familiar to Layton-

Apparently Arlo was revealed to be Luke’s older and missing brother, something about how Arlo used to be Layton’s apprentice. They one day went exploring in a cave and Layton being a archaeologist- trying to find the magical book. They find it and stuff happens and the cave collapses and Layton or apparently someone used the book which erased any memory of Arlo’s existence!? Even to his parents, even to Hershel, even to himself??

Arlo was trapped and badly injured which eventually led him to be found by people and living a new life in making gadgets to better people’s lives, then Arlo becomes the tragic villian of the story who wants revenge on Layton and chases him around with a giant mechanical spider mecha. Like damn- petty much? Plus pretty big stretch for a motive… but whatever.

Layton tries to reason with Arlo and apologies- it seems to work as Arlo settles and seems to forgive him before he suddenly slashes Layton across the cheek in like a really cool cinematic moment!? Like in a real tense and real animated moment- even a Luke gasp. Layton does dramatic fall. Hits ground. Luke’s casual- nah crying out “Proffesah!”

Whim also being there and looking horrified.

Luke is angy and Arlo is sad about that and stuff.

Flora was in some scenes for some reason- I don’t know when but she suddenly appears and disappears at times!?

More stuff ensues!

The whole story in a nutshell is just meeting Luke, wanting to go on little mystery’s, learning about mystery book, Layton and Arlo slowly remembering each other and Luke being happy for his two friends to meet finally, Whim moments, Arlo realising and remembering and turning bitter and turning to revenge mid-way and just-

Whim realising their creator is not who they think they am and agreeing to help to hack Arlo’s robo army…?

And then trying to destroy Arlo- Whim is also infected by a dangerous glitch or virus?

Whim practically sacrifices themselves and that part I was crying about when I woke up!?

Like this isn’t even real and I was sobbing!

I don’t know what to do with this dream but it was so random and just so- vivid that I had to post it!

If anyone has questions about this plot I can try and answer them??

There’s a lot more to say I’m just trying to wrap my head around it all!

I am trying to write this before I forget it! D:

[viviennevermillion]

Comforting him after a nightmare

notes: reposting bc I’m deleting my archived sideblogs. i no longer write fem!reader

contains: azul ashengrotto x fem!reader

warnings: mentions and descriptions of bullying, trauma

Azul hated the fact that even after all this time, years after he had left that past behind, he still had occasional nightmares about the bullying in his childhood. After all, it’s been so long. He should be over it right? But they still throw him off and make him uncomfortable whenever they happen.

As he said after his overblot, he still remembers everything, the faces of those who had wronged him, the things they said to him, their grins when they made fun of him. It still sent a shiver down his spine whenever he thought of it.

Azul barely ever shows how much his past still affects him but there are days when it’s really bad. So whenever he wakes up from one of his nightmares, not only was he feeling restless and sad, but he knew it would most likely trigger another stressful workday full of toxic thoughts he had to push down constantly. Another day of getting spiteful whenever he encountered someone who didn’t have to go through pain like he did. Another day of that uncomfortable paranoia and anxiety nipping at the back of his mind whenever he heard customers in Mostro Lounge laugh together. Were they making fun of him? What if word got out about his true form?

Azuls nightmare was awful. In the dream he was back in his octopus pot, peaking out onto the merchildren who just wouldn’t leave despite him telling them to go away. He just wanted to “recharge” and calm down in his pot, he was at his limit, how did they not understand that? How could they be this cold?

He heard the words again that were ingrained in his mind: “stupid, clumsy octopus.”

He had the insults memorized so well, hearing any of those three words usually made images of the past pop up in his thoughts.

The worst part was that the nightmare was so vivid. Azul could remember every detail of it once he woke up. Those laughs and grins that sent a shiver down his spine. How his octomer body pressed against the back of his pot and his heart was thumping in his chest in fear that they would come closer and not just stand outside of the pot. He was crying heavily in the dream. They made fun of his tears. Azul had wondered if they were aware of the pain he was feeling. If they understood what they were doing to him. If they wanted to push him until he would break.

He remembered all of the insults. About his weight. About his tentacles. About his crying. About the sole fact that he existed. And sometimes those people had told him that the world would be better off without him. The first thing he had heard on his 11th birthday when he came to school was one of the kids saying they hoped he would be eaten by a sea monster.

Azul had felt so trapped in his past that he kept forgetting that he was now free to make his own choices without the threat of humiliation lurking around every corner.

He had hated the bullies with a passion. He didn’t identify with anything about them. All he had ever wanted was to prove that he was more than the role they had forced him into and to be free from the cage they had trapped him in for a big portion of his childhood.

So when the children in his nightmare morphed into his overblot form, Azul jerked awake in cold sweat, sobbing heavily. Had he become everything he never wanted to be?

He thought back to the contracts he had made and all he had taken from others. From so many people. Sure, some of them were the bullies from his childhood. But others of them he didn’t even know. They could have gone through similar things as he did and yet he chose to exploit their weaknesses and take what they valued from them when he should have used his power and status to protect them. To make sure something like this never happened to anyone else as long as Azul had anything to say about it. “I have failed myself”, he thought.

It was the first time after the overblot the realization really hit him. That he had this big amount of guilt washing over him. Had he become no better than the bullies of his past? “Am I-….am I a horrible person?”, he whispered between his sobs.

Y/n, who was still awake and had been watching Cater Diamonds new video upload “5 easy recipes for a perfect Unbirthday Party (feat. Trey)” on Magicame, immediately stopped everything as soon as Azul had woken up. She put a hand on his shoulder asked him what was wrong.

When Azul had finished telling her about the nightmare, she pulled him into her arms and Azul was sobbing into her shoulder.

It was rare seeing him this vulnerable. It wasn’t like he hadn’t warmed up to her over time and talked about what bothered him, however he usually did it with his poker face on and a good amount of well-acted emotional distance.

“I probably have no right to complain about what happened to me after all I’ve done…that would be hypocritical”, he said and sighed, still sniffing. Y/n gently grabbed his chin and made him look at her. She laid a hand on his cheek and wiped away his tears with her thumb. “Hey….wanting to be better than the people who hurt you despite the wrongs you have done not too long ago doesn’t make you a hypocrite. It makes you someone who can learn from his mistakes and strive to become better”, she said.

Azul wrapped his arms around her neck and rested his head on her shoulder. For a while they remained like this in silence. Y/n gently massaged the knuckles on his hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

After a while Azul stopped crying and his breaths became calmer. Y/n was running her fingers through his hair (also I’d like to note here that I headcanon Azuls hair looks extremely messy when he wakes up) and it helped him relax a lot.

They talked about Azuls worries for at least an hour and a half, in fact this was probably the most open Azul has ever been with y/n so far, and he thanked her for being there with him. Secretly he always doubted she was really that willing to put up with him and his issues. But right now he just gave her a weak smile.

“I just want to curl up in an octopus pot”, he sighed then. “Then do that”, y/n insisted, “if it makes you feel better. You have a busy day ahead of you. You need to get some sleep.”

But Azul didn’t want her to see his octopus form just yet. He didn’t feel ready for that. And even though she kept assuring him that he was beautiful no matter what form he took, she understood he needed time to heal and become comfortable with his true form.

So that’s how the two of them ended up cuddled up in Azuls octopus pot in complete darkness. Occasionally she could feel one of his tentacles strive her arm and she wondered what his true form looked like. Out of respect for Azul she didn’t even consider turning on the light of her phone.

She knew tomorrow morning he would go back to putting on his “Let’s make a deal” face and act like he hadn’t been a sobbing mess last night, but that was just how things were for him currently. Growth didn’t happen overnight and Azul had a long way ahead of him before he could truly leave the past behind and become more open around people. Moments like these were very rare with him and y/n knew he would probably have doubts and regrets about opening up like this plaguing him tomorrow. But for now he just needed someone to be there for him. Small steps, y/n thought, he’s going to get there.

For now she just smiled when she noticed Azul had fallen asleep on the pillow he had put in her lap.

[pieseas]

I wish i was not such a vivid dreamer holy fuck.

why am i dreaming waking up and then going back to sleep where I renter the dream with no memory of what happened. so it seems like i got really drunk and lost my memory.

it’s like i’m remembering bits and pieces but nothing specific and i’m now just triggered by the idea i drank too much and blacked out when in reality i woke up and of course forgot my dream.

girl please i only want vivid memories for good things. let me wake up sad it wasn’t real that’s way better than whatever the fuck i just experienced

[thereforepizza]

You guys I had a very vivid and beautiful dream about Hunter from the bad batch and the Mandalorian. This is spoiler free, but I didn’t want to clog the dashboard with a really long post

The bad batch was having a really hard time hiding from the empire. It was like they were on the run every waking moment, and it was exhausting. One day, they landed on a forest-y, kind of mystical planet and decided something needed to change. There Hunter spoke to someone about their troubles and how tired they were. The man explained to him that they could leave Omega there as long as someone stayed to protect her and she would be forever safe from the Empire.

So Hunter agreed.

The others reluctantly left, but Hunter stayed. He heard more of the explanation than I did, so as the onlooker, I was confused. He sat in a peaceful clearing in the forest, Omega by his side. Even with his helmet on, I could see that he was crying. He hugged her tight as he settled in, but she didn’t understand just how deep his sadness went. She didn’t know. And neither did I.

Then time started to pass and a ticker of years went below the scene. Years and years flew by. Hunter did not move. That was when I realized the gravity of his action. Finally on year 58, the time stopped.

Dream logic doesn’t make sense because of who each character is so I’m kinda lost on why my brain switched things, but I’ll write according to what happened in my dream instead of my own interpretation.

Grogu was playing next to Din’s armor. I figured Din was simply resting while the kid played. Then a few more years passed and Din didn’t move. The armor was empty. Din was long gone.

This dream had two layers. I “woke up,” tears streaming down my face as I remembered the dream. My friend was there and she asked why I was upset. How could I explain to her what my dreams possibly meant? Nonetheless, I simply said: “I had a dream about Hunter sacrificing everything for Omega. It was just so powerful…”

And then I woke up for real.

Now I’m shook. As I wrote out the dream I finally understood what it meant. If y’all aren’t on the same wavelength, allow me to say what I gathered from it.

Hunter spoke to a mystical creature with undisclosed abilities about the protection of Omega and the being explained to him that there was a way that she could remain unharmed forever. That was if he died in her stead and watched over her in spirit, with his body left in the enchanted forest. So he agreed but he didn’t tell Omega, and he convinced the others to leave them behind. He went to the place he was instructed to go and held Omega as tight as he could as he passed, knowing that his sacrifice was for good.

I think I must have either partially woken up, therefore my brain was distracted and forgot which characters were who, or my brain was showing me this wasn’t the only space dad who did this. After nearly 60 years I saw Grogu with Din’s armor, and Din was in the same place Hunter had been. That means he did the same thing so that Grogu could live a safe life. Grogu didn’t leave him, though.

So my dream was about the sacrifice of a father to save his child. I almost am in tears for real this time thinking about the dream.

Anyways, yeah. I figured id share this because it was interesting. And honestly? I think I might write a story based on this dream

[topperscumslut]

the way i tried to shift to nicky ricky dicky and dawn last night but had the most unhinged sad when i thought it was real but hilarious in hindsight and extremely vivid dream about it instead

so i feel like i have to say this in every single post cuz if ur an avid follower u been knew this but i don’t wanna get canceled by the people seeing my blog for the first time; nicky is 18 turning 19 (the age he would canonically be) in my DR and im 19 turning 20 in both my DR and my CR. so. just a disclaimer.

anyway

in my dream i had dated nicky (who is my DR love interest) but apparently we had broken up and i was really sad about it and it was all my fault and i was like “im so toxic omg who could ever love me” and so ricky took my depressed ass thru the mcdonalds drive thru to cheer me up and got me mcnuggets (im a vegetarian i have no idea where tf that came from) and was like “stfu and stop crying over him but also im here for you” and then anti hero by taylor swift came on the radio and my swiftie ass starts SOBBING into my mcnuggets screaming the lyrics like omg i AM the problem while my man richard over here is stressed af trying not to wreck the fucking car while im in hysterics. makes me excited for my friendship with ricky when i finally do shift im gonna be so unhinged and annoying hehe. anyway for some reason in the dream mcdonalds also had mac and cheese and now im really pressed about mcdonalds not actually having mac and cheese irl.

anyway i used a different method last night by instead of using specifically a shifting meditation i used my favorite trusty manifestation meditation with a miraculously high success rate and had one of the most vivid dreams I’ve had in my entire life and felt very close to shifting so I’m trying again tonight. wish me luck.

i will never listen to hits different by taylor swift without thinking about this dream ever again it was so hits different coded

edit: so i put the part about hits different but im pretty sure after anti hero played i forced ricky to give me the aux and BLASTED his speakers out playing hits different while screaming the lyrics and crying hysterically shoving mcdonalds into my mouth. sounds like shit I’d do tbh.

then nicky came thru the drive thru and i started crying again cuz i still had his order memorized and i was like “i still love himmmm” and ricky was like “shut up he’s gonna hear you” and then nicky came over to our car and was like “oh hey guys” and saw me looking like a fucking raccoon crying with like 6 McNuggets in my mouth at once and then i woke up.

[pred1059]

Runaway Wind Chapter Seventeen

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“Who are you?”

Exart had seen the blue haired woman many times in his dreams. But this felt more vivid than before. It was the first time he could focus enough to ask a question.

But his question had done little to allay the shock on her face. When she next spoke, there was a slightly horrified cadence in her voice, “You...you don’t…Terra it’s me. It’s Aqua.”

“I’m not Te…” He clutched his head as he tried to recall his real name. “No…it’s…” he grunted as he tried to rack his mind for the true answer. Deep down he knew that Erxart wasn’t his name. It’s the one given to him by Xemnas. But eventually he sighed in defeat, “Sorry, I don’t know what my real name is.”

“You don’t?” Aqua stepped forward hesitantly, before venturing, “Why are you here?”

Why? Erxart held a hand to his chest as the question seemed to resonate with something deep inside him. Eventually he slowly answered, “I know I haven’t seen you before. But when I’m here, dreaming in the dark, I can always see a light.” He looked up to Aqua’s gaze. “And when I get close it’s you.”

Aqua murmured, “Even without your memories?” She took another step towards him, pressing further, “Do you remember Ven, Eraqus?”

Ven? The closest name he could recall was that of Roxas’ supposed doppelganger. But the other got his attention as he recalled, “Eraqus was my old master.” There were good memories of many years under his tutelage. But Erxart grimiced as he began to recall the later ones. Ones where he chastised him for the darkness in his heart. Another where the two came to blows, “I was trying to stop him from hurting someone important to me. But something happened.” He clutched his head as he felt something eating away in his head. Like an empty hole.

“Terra!” Aqua’s voice seemed to clear the pain. As he focused on her again Erxart saw she was closer. Hand raised towards him and wincing, as though she shared his suffering. With a sigh, she lowered her arm and spoke, “I’m sorry. I wanted to try and bring you back. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

The ache in her voice. It was something Erxart could hardly bear to hear in Aqua’s voice. Deep inside he yearned to ease that pain. He reached out to her hand. But to his disappointment, Erxart phased right through her. He sighed and shook his head, “I guess I can’t do much for you now besides words. It just hurts to see you sad.”

Aqua looked back at him with an expression between gratitude and pain. “Terra…” She murmured the name so dearly, as if it was the name of a close friend.

Or...Something more than that...

But what was he to her? 

Remember...He had to remember...

You must remember...

And with a ringing voice in his head, Erxart woke up. Sitting as he rubbed his temples to nurse the headache, he pondered the fragments of his dream.

Aqua...Terra...Ventus…

Those names were ones that haunted him. Like ephemeral phantoms he could barely hold on to. He recalled the warnings that Xemnas had given him. 

“Do not let the phantoms of your mind distract you. Ignore the calls of phantom memories, for they will only lead you astray.”

Even so, it felt so close to him. Something that a part of him ached at not having their memory in full. But above all that, there was something else.

Eraqus.

He remembered his master. Though he was stern, he had tried to guide him. Though it was sometimes difficult when the darkness within himself yearned to be set free. Still, there was some deeper reason why they fought. Why Erxart raised his keyblade against him.

Please. You must remember!

Erxart snapped his head to where he swore he could hear the voice. For a fleeting glimpse...he saw a gold and silver armored hand reaching out to him. 

But then he blinked, and Erxart was in his empty gray room once more. Looking out to the window, he saw the light which had been gathering above the City take shape into a heart. However, he was a bit too worn from having to pick up Demyx’s slack. Sighing, he closed his eyes and tried to sleep again.

It was like before. One minute Terra was in front of her, and in the blink of an eye he vanished. All she had were the words of comfort he had spoken. The lingering sentiment he seemed to hold onto. The memory of Master Eraqus which still seemed to burn in him

It was the only reassurance that whatever happened to remove his memories of her and Ven hadn’t taken him away completely.

She sighed, holding her hand to her chest. She had no idea if Mickey had managed to survive the attack at the door to the realm of light. If he fell, would anyone find her? Would she see the realm of light ever again?

As if to mock her, there was another glimmer in the corner of her eye. She walked over to yet another phantom. Another moment of reprieve, even if it was ultimately illusory. Coming closer, the figure was clear. “Ven…” she sighed. Was he still asleep? Would he only serve as another reminder of her failure? A once dear friend full of life completely silen—

“Aqua?”

She blinked. A voice. That was his voice! He turned to her with wide eyes. Then he reached out to her. “Aqua? Is that you?! Where are you?!”

“You’re...awake? I’m in the realm of darkness but...” She spoke in a shaky voice. Hardly believing that she actually had a chance to speak to her friend again. A million more questions running through her mind, she began to ask, “Ven, where are you now? Do you know where Mickey is? Are you safe?”

“Safe?” He whispered back, then he began to sigh, “I would’ve been safe if I just listened to you.” Ventus began to hold himself, a tremble entering his voice as he continued, “If I just went home, none of this would have happened!” He dropped down to his knees as his voice reached a crescendo, before he sobbed out, “Aqua I...I didn’t mean to call you awful…”

She thought that Ven’s awakening might have given her spirit some reprieve. Some consolation that her efforts were not in vain. But now more than ever, Aqua’s heart ached. She kneeled down and shook her head, sighing, “No...You were right, Ven. I’ve been a bad friend. I focused so much on the light and the master’s teaching. I didn’t stop to think about how you or Terra felt.” She tried to take Ventus’ hand, cringing as once again she could only grip nothing but air. “Now I’ve lost both of you and the worlds are still in danger.” Aqua looked aside ruefully, “Some master I turned out to be. Maybe this darkness is where I really belong. Alone.”

“No! That can’t be right!” Ven cried out as he looked up at her. He frantically shook his head, pleading, “Maybe you’ve made mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be alone!”

She could hardly believe it. After all this time being haunted by her failures. Did her friends still believe in her? A slight smile came to her face, “Ven, I…” But then Aqua’s cheer evaporated in an instant, as the darkness began to coalesce around Ventus. Shadowy tendrils pulled him up from the ground and began to yank him away. “NO!”

He cried out as he tried to struggle against whatever had caught him, “Aaaahh!!! Aquaaaa!!”

She chased after him, shouting,“VEN!!!” But even as she ran, the shadowy thing pulled him away faster and faster.

Ventus could only shout out, “AQUA! I’LL FIND YOU! I’LL MAKE THIS RIGHT! I PROMISE!!!”

With those last words echoing in the shadows, Ventus vanished in front of her. All Aqua could do was clench a fist, choking back a cry of frustration. 

Even so...there was something she clung to.

Terra and Ven wanted to see her again. She only had to hold on for a while longer.

Aqua had to hope her light could last her that long.

Ventus had summoned the keyblade to his hand, but his idle swings were getting him nowhere. He shouted as he tried to hit whatever grabbed him, “LET GO!!! LET GO OF ME!!!” Eventually however, the grip loosened and tossed Ventus across the ground. “Alright! Now you’re going to—!”

And the words died in his throat. As he saw the small mass of creatures that had attacked him.

Creatures with very familiar red eyes.

He backed away, holding his keyblade between him and the Unversed,“No…No...this is a dream. You’re not—”

Hands on his shoulders, “Real? You sure about that?” And a voice that turned Ventus’ blood to ice.

Wrenching himself free from the grip, Ventus turned to face the voice’s owner.Though his face was hidden again behind that black helmet, he knew the boy who had hounded him ten years ago. Trembling, Ventus spoke, “Vanitas...I...”

His red and black suit rippling as he moved, Vanitas walked up to Ventus. “Oh...I’ve waited a long time for a chance to talk to you again Ventus.” He leaned right into his face “What’s the matter? Can’t think of anything to say?

“I…” Ventus took a breath before he blurted out, “I know what Xehanort did to you!” 

At his words, Vanitas froze, and Ventus continued, “I remember what it was like under him. Starvation, endless fighting. And the same lectures about the only worth being in our darkness.”

A moment of silence passed before Vanitas scoffed, “So what? You think you know me better because of that?”

Ventus sputtered, “But...But what if Xehanort’s wrong!? What if darkness isn’t your only choice!?”

“Yeah, there was a choice and you got the other option.” Vanitas punctuated his point with a poke to Ventus’s chest. “How did that work out for you?”

And Ventus winced, as he remembered the sensation of the keyblade stabbing deeper than flesh. Beyond the physical feeling of his heart. Of his soul being carved apart. Chittering behind him got Ventus’ attention. The unversed began to move towards him. “Fire!” At his call, a gout of flame shot forth, incinerating an unversed. 

But as soon as it vanished, it reformed in Vanitas’ hand as he sighed, “You still don’t get it do you.” He tossed the monster of his creation at Ventus, “You lost to us before you even began.” As Ventus swatted away the creature, more unversed lunged at him. “The armies of darkness never rest. Something I’ve learned to appreciate.” Ventus dodged, and after taking aim blasted a salvo of flame at the horde. Vanitas continued to speak unperturbed, gesturing with his hands “No matter how hard you fight. No matter how many friends you find it will never be enough.” As he reached out, so too did a swarm of Unversed floods erupt from the shadows and pile on top of Ventus

Struggling against the creatures dragging him to the ground, Ventus tried to shout, “No...someone—!”

“What’s that? Crying for help again?” Vanitas began to cackle as he watched Ventus squirm, “Well guess what? There’s no-one left to help you!!! Returning to me is your only chance to survive!!!”

Despite the taunt, Ventus continued his struggles, managing to choke out one word. 

“Never!”

The grip tightened as Vanitas shook his head “If you still won’t embrace the dark, then there’s only one thing left to do with you.”

But then, a flash, as if from nowhere. The Unversed cringed at the mote of light, releasing their grip while Vanitas shielded his eyes. As he wrenched himself free from the horde, Ventus whispered, “Who..?”

Vanitas however, screamed in disbelief, “How?! How could light find you here?!” He could barely react as Vanitas burned away part of the horde with flame. Building to a firestorm, Ventus slashed a red hot keyblade against the Unversed. The creatures burst into ash at the attack. The light beginning to shine brighter, Vanitas backed away. “Looks like you walk away from this one, but I’ll find you again.” A portal of darkness appearing behind him, as he left some parting words, “We’re linked after all.”

Ventus sighed, drained after the ordeal. He fell to his feet, relaxing as somehow the darkness around him seemed to be fading away. Or perhaps the light was guiding him away from that darkness? In either case, he only had one thing to say, “Thank you…” Though he could barely focus now on the light itself, he could feel the slightest warmth from his hand as something gently held it. And so he returned to his more peaceful slumber.

Ventus stirred from his sleeping bag, blinking the sleep from his eyes. Dreams from last night that were almost vivid became hazy. He knew during his time with Eraqus he had some unsettling dreams. But until now they were impressions and vague ideas. Now his thoughts of times gone by brought forth memories of friends and foes. And the regrets he had for both of them. He clenched towards his heart, wondering if those bonds still held fast.

But after a while, there was something else in his dream. Something comforting that gave him a chance to rest. But wh—

“Good morning.”

Ventus snapped to attention at the voice, but relaxed as soon as he saw the blonde haired speaker. “Naminé…’morning.”

She walked over to his corner of the room, asking “Are you okay? Everyone’s been up for a while, so I wanted to check on you.”

Looking around in surprise Ventus realized that Cid and Leon had long since left their sleeping bags. He scratched his head sheepishly, “Kinda had a nightmare last night. But it got better.”

Naminé looked at him for a moment before nodding, “I’m...guessing it eased off enough for you to get some rest?” She looked out the door. “We’ve made a bit of breakfast already. If you wanted to have some before talking about…” Naminé looked back at Ventus

Ventus nodded, “Yeah,I think I can talk a bit about what happened ten years ago. About my friends,” he then closed his eyes and sighed, “And about Xehanort.”

Zexion walked with Xemnas near the top of the Castle That Never Was. A personal invitation to this upper floor was rare. Only Xigbar had shown up with any regularity, though Saïx had made his way up to this sanctum once or twice. But the privilege of being here was the farthest thing from his mind as he gave his account,“The situation in Castle Oblivion is fast becoming untenable. With the Princess of Heart possessing a keyblade capable of undoing anything barring her path, utilizing her as a Hostage has become unviable. And while Riku is a  possibility, there is the simple fact that we do not have the manpower available to contain them.” Xemnas gave no reaction as the two reached the top of the ramp they had been climbing, so Zexion continued,“My Superior, we must look into deploying...additional...operatives?”

Only to stop.

For the light he now beheld was something that made him quake.

“Magnificent. Is it not?” Xemnas asked him as he looked at the heart shaped light that had begun to dominate the night’s sky.

Having been with the Organization since the beginning, Zexion realized the true nature of what he was seeing quickly, “Is this...our Kingdom Hearts?”

Xemnas stepped towards it, “Indeed. Our own embodiment of the heart of all worlds.” He reached his hands to the amalgamation of souls they had been gathering, “Originally, this might have taken many months. But with so many keyblades at work freeing hearts already, it has grown exponentially.”

Zexion cupped his chin in thought, “Of course. Not only are Sora and Roxas active...but Kairi, Ventus, Erxart...and potentially Naminé—”

“Bingo. Buddy!” A pair of hands on his shoulders interrupted Zexion’s thoughts. Looking up confirmed that Braig had indeed arrived behind him to interject, “We’re moving things ahead of schedule, and guess what? You’re going to be our lucky winner!” “What are you doing here?” Zexion looked back at The Superior, “Wasn’t this supposed to be a private...” 

But watching Xemnas caused Zexion’s question to die in his throat. Xemnas had brought his hands together, and had begun to gather the light of Kingdom Hearts to them, “The heart is the embodiment of will, though this collection will provide the raw emotion, it requires...focus.” A flash coalesced the writhing mass of souls into a more stable form.

One which Zexion recognized from research long ago, “A heart?” Xemnas walked towards him while holding it to him. Was it a gift? Power to take control of Castle Oblivion? 

But...looking at it closer...the shade that seemed to dance within…”It looks...strange?”

“But you need it do you not?” Xemnas spoke as he offered it to Zexion, “To feel the gaping void that has eaten away at you be filled at long last? To provide the power and knowledge you seek?”

…

To feel that numbness finally end? And to acquire all that had been kept from him by the foolish king’s rules?

Zexion’s hands trembled, “Yes.”

Xigbar clapped his hand on his shoulder, “Then what are you waiting for?”

Zexion’s hand snatched out to grab it. A new heart! All for himself! It vanished in his grasp. But he could feel it.

Surging within him.

Filling him.

Eating him.

“What…” He could barely gasp out...His body...All he was!!! It was…!!! It was!!! “Yeah. it hurt for me too.” Xigbar’s grip was like iron as he writhed.

“But I promise, things will be simpler now.” Despite the ringing in his ears, Xemnas’ voice was as clear as a bell.

“Just let me in.”

[findingmypeace]

12/29/2022

I still have very vivid dreams/nightmares that involve the house my family lived in until recently. I had one of those dreams last night. They’re always so unsettling. I don’t quite remember the details of the one last night other than where I was in the house (my bedroom, the backyard, outside my parents bedroom, etc). If feels like I will never ‘get over’ this. Although I think right now it’s more than just about the ‘home’ and sentimental aspects. I think it involves my relationship with my parents and the emotional safety I feel.

I’m still feeling very sad. After that dream last night I woke up and looked at pictures in my phone. Most of them were of the dogs but they all were taken in the backyard of that house. I’m worried about Rosie. She is now over 15 years old. I know she doesn’t have much longer. I’m just worried my parents won’t tell me when she passes away. I miss her. I miss my family. And I am so angry and hurt. I just wish things were different. I know I’ve always felt that way. I have depression, of course I feel that way. But there are somethings that felt like they would always be there and they aren’t. And it hurts.

[strawberryspeachy]

I keep waking up to see my room back home - only for it to fade away into my current room. Every time my heart drops.

I wake up expecting to see my blue walls around my door and smell my farmhouse - and when the memories come flooding in - i beg and plead that it was all a bad dream

I woke up so many times to those blue walls from nightmare. It was always such a relief when the fuzziness went away and I saw my glow in the dark stars on the ceiling or my old blue walls.

“I am do happy to be here” was my feeling as I doubled checked I was real while gasping like I just came up for air

I got used to this nightmare being a nightmare

I used to get dajavu or whatever it is ALL the time. And i always had a deep feeling that I’d be in a sad place. That I’d be alone. And that I’d be without my mom.

I’m certain now sometimes when I can feel my past so strongly… I was pulling myself from that time so that I now can experience my past.

I could feel it when I was young.

And my memories are so vivid that I really feel it sometimes

Now I’m living that nightmare I always woke up gasping and crying from. That I’d jump out of bed and rush to find my mom.

I want to wake up so so bad

[cchannig]

meow

so basically i’m to lazy to write in my journal, so i’m writing here bc why not. in 8th-9th grade a junior/senior, idek what to call what we were. i should hate him right? that’s what you do. bc he messed me up, but in a way he messed me up so bad, idk how to feel. idk what to do, and it hurts. when i pass him in the hallway it’s scary, he looks at me, but most of the time looks away. he’s always angry or sad. and that hurts my heart bc i want nothing but the best for him. i want him to be happy. when i see him i always make sure i look happy to him so he doesn’t know he is all i think about. all. i. think. about. i make sure i’m talking and laughing and smiling and even sometimes flirting, but it’s just so he thinks i’m okay. i want nothing more than to crumble in his arms. but i will never let that happen. i think he hates me. i wonder if there is even any love anymore, bc i’m not sure there is. which hurts bc i’m filled with it. i don’t want to love him, but what else is there to do. ik he used me, but those good moments every now and then, they made me happy for a moment. but then it’s like do i even know him. bc he’s such a good guy right? but he’s not. was he ever? i don’t know. it’s hard not knowing these things. he’s never gonna give me closure and i know that, but i just want to hear from him one more time. i wouldn’t write back, but i need to understand his thoughts rn. bc i can’t read them like i used to. last night i had a dream with him. he said he was in-love with this girl and he was sorry, but he really loved her the way he loved me, but better, kind. and i told him “it’s okay, go” and he said “i don’t want to” and i kissed his cheek and said “it’s okay.” it was so vivid, so real. will the dreams of him come back? i hope not bc that dream is all i have been thinking about all day. i laid in his shoulder for a little bit after, and then i woke up. that’s just how it is. and i’m sad, it’s sad. in a way i don’t want him to want me, not one bit, move on. but at the same time, i only want him to want me. i want to be the one he says i love you to. but i don’t know if that will ever happen, and i don’t know if i should even be thinking that. what he did to me was terrible. all of it. he fucked up my life majorly in a million ways, but i could never hate him, the only thing i hate is that i still love him.

[ohbentomori]

To the me of 5 years later

Hey kiddo,

I’m pretty sure it’s weird to see a message to you from yourself, right? Probably not given the circumstances. You might even be wondering when this letter was written anyways and it’s easy to forget given what time you’ll probably see this again.

At this time when you wrote this, you woke up with a start at around 2 AM thinking you have this nasty deadline to meet (you ain’t wrong, kid) and tried to do it at the last minute since it’s for your 11 AM class the same day but, somehow, you knew you wouldn’t make it so you didn’t try to push it.

By now, you’re already a pretty tired mess and it’s easy to see why you’d stop yourself immediately. The reasoning was pretty sound anyways. You thought that you didn’t want to rush the work because you genuinely wanted to be able to appreciate it but at the same time, you knew that it was going to flop up since you haven’t bothered to work on it during your free time... and I wouldn’t blame you for it. You’ve been through so much lately and I guess you’ve run out of outlets to vent your worries on and I’m telling you that you’re doing great.

You’re doing well, kid. I mean...I can mentally count down the times you’ve almost given up on even breathing and functioning but here you are, strong and 25 and hopefully happy with yourself now.

There were a lot of mistakes down the road but I hope you never think that they weren’t all bad either. They turned you into who you are now and you should be happy for yourself. Remember when you were 18 and you thought, “Man, I’m so excited to be in college!” and had the rug pulled out from under you because it was a vivid life experience you didn’t expect.

But you survived it. 

You managed to get by.

Right now, you’re 20 and sad and honestly crying right now. Which is alright! You were always such a big emotional baby anyways and lots of people like you for that. But you need to stop hiding those emotions too. You need to drop the poker face when you’re feeling down because a lot of people do want to help you and it’s not bad to accept it. Doesn’t make you any less of who you are. I hope you learned that lesson by now because of you didn’t, I’d probably whoop my own ass if I could.

Breathe. Adulthood isn’t easy (obviously, I can’t imagine why) but you’re still here, right? Life isn’t going to get easier but you shouldn’t stop yourself from taking a breather when you need it. Go outside and get fresh air. You don’t do it enough lately. It’s like you’re terrified of the fucking sun. Get out and live, you damn skinny vampire. Make friends. Go on a limb to get out of your comfort zone. Right now, you think it’s difficult but I hope that when I read this again, I’m already telling myself what a badass motherfucker I am. Hell yeah! Pump yourself up!

Yeah. That’s it. Keep it up, okay? Don’t let the bad juju ruin your moments. It’s alright to take it slowly, one day at a time. I know you’re probably still not going to be able to slow yourself down so easily but right now, the you that’s typing is acting like this is a goddamn shitshow. (Prove yourself wrong later dammit!)

I’m not going to get all mushy and sentimental with myself cause you’re bound to be doing that anyways when you read this again. Just let me leave you a message I don’t think you’ll be surprised to see but might come in handy any time;

“Even if everything is a mess and falling apart, remember that you’re allowed to be happy and nobody can tell you otherwise. You know yourself best after all. So smile, laugh, do a fucking cartwheel when you feel like it! You’ve been sad enough times so you deserve to explore yourself and do what makes you happy. You’re wonderful and love yourself more often. Buy clothes and shit. Blow the world away with your passive-aggressive nature cause it’s you and you should do whatever it is that makes you feel alive.”

Sincerely,

your 20 year old self.