#it was the very first tad song i ever listened to actually. i love it so much

[widevibratobitch]

farewell wanderlust song of all time frfr

[mon-ange-only]

Perfection.

HIII!!! This is like my first ever posted story so I hope anyone who reads it likes it.

Content Warnings- None! Sweetie pie story.

Summary-Astarion struggles with his feelings for you and tries to think of a way to confess to you but is interrupted when you come to his door.

QUICK NOTE!- Theres Not a lot of dialogue. It’s a lot of inner thought and action description I suppose.

Astarion. Confident and romantic with expressions sharp enough to cut through the strongest of tough guy personas. Though his face may not show it, he’s sweet, protective even.

Sometimes it’s a tad obvious that his over protective nature comes from a place of love. The deep undeniable love that he holds for you. The love that has had him pacing for the past 30 minutes while trying to come up with a perfect confession.

To Astarion you were the most perfect thing on the planet. Nothing could compare to your perfection. He needed a confession that matched that. A picture perfect confession that’ll have you head over heels in love with him by the end of his…speech? Dinner date? Picnic under the stars? Poem? Astarion cursed under his breath and sat on the large bed behind where he had been pacing. Out of ideas and motivation, Astarion sat and held his head in his hands.

The tapping of boots on hardwood floors broke his concentration. Gentle footsteps quickly approached his door. Astarion stood up and walked to the door, swinging it open. Standing before him was the very vision of beauty he was trying to make things so perfect for. You. He made direct eye contact with you as a heavy blush covered his pale cheeks. The vampire stuttered out a greeting and invited you into his room, mentally cursing himself for not being as smooth as he would’ve liked.

He watched as you came right in and made yourself at home, falling back onto the bed and stretching with a gentle sweet whine passing your lips from how tired you were. He watched and listened and savored the view of perfection lying in his bed. You. You were in his bed. ‘Why can’t it always be like this?’ He thought.

Astarion walked back to the bed slowly, taking his time as though walking quickly would scare you away. He laid beside you on his side, head propped up on his arm. He listened as you rambled about your day, eyes darting quickly from your lips to your nose to your eyes, a pattern he had enjoyed following while still tying to figure out his feelings for you.

Too busy staring at you, Astarion failed to notice that you had asked him a question. He tripped over his words and managed to get an apology out but his nervous behavior worried you.

“Are you alright, Astarion?” You asked.

His name on your lips was heaven on earth. A beautiful song sung by an Angel.

“I’m fine, darling. Just listening. Enjoying my time with you. It’s not every day I get to be in the company of such a beauty.”

He watched as a blush crept up on your cheeks and he clung to every word of your stuttered thanks for his listening and his compliments.

This is perfect. Lying there with you was everything to him. Listening to every word you spoke and watching as your mouth moved to perfectly articulate your feelings.

Maybe this is fine for now. Maybe he can deal with lending a pointed ear if that means he can listen to perfection without fear of rejection.

….

—————

ERM! I’m scared. This is my first post and my first public piece and it’s kinda scary. Fun fact I never actually played this game I just like Astarion and I wanted to write for him so that’s how I got here. Idk what’s going on anymore man.

[red-airhead]

𝓘𝓻𝓲𝓼 | 𝓑𝓪𝓷𝓰 𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓷 |

For the sake of my readers and dear mutuals, just know that you are loved, and that if you ever need anything, even if it's your first time coming across my page, take the advantage to send me a message if you need to talk. Please enjoy.

------------

Masterlist

word count - 3,000

genre - hurt, comfort, fluff, romance

warnings - gn terms, afab reader, mentions of depression, mentions of insomnia, bsf! Chan, mentions of self doubt, talking it through, both reader and chan have issues, mutual pining, chan gives more caregiver vibes than anything, romantic tension(?), cuddling for comfort, chan gets a tad emotional through the story, mentions of self-harm (past and present tense), mentions of hyunjin's hiatus, mentions of a perverted boss, reader and chan have very faded scars, reader is also a tad emotional, lmk if I missed anything.

Chan isn’t sure how long it’s been. How long it’s been since he’s felt so drained and numb from everything all at once. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s had the same song on repeat in his room for hours on end, the song playing with low volume on a speaker by his desk. The song clearly expressed how he felt, and it would make sense for him to change it soon, but he doesn’t.

He’s been laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the lyrics for hours now. His cheeks were slightly stained from crying a couple of moments ago, but he ended up stopping since he began zoning out and looking at the ceiling. The song never got old, even though he played it everywhere he went. In the car, on the way to get you from your house, long car rides from places outside of town, at home. It was his favorite, all because you showed him the song on a late evening after going out for a couple of drinks.

His best friend since he was thirteen, someone he knew so well all because of the struggle of living in korea all alone. You met in school, and it wasn’t much of a shocker that you two became fast friends.

He spent a lot of nights talking to you, talking about you, and just making sure it was known you were his best friend. He still did it, in Channie’s room he would talk and talk about all the things you two used to when you were younger, those small habits he noticed over the years and just everything about you. While some fans weren’t too happy he was talking about you, the others found it amazing that someone was able to meet him so early in his life and still be there till this day. 

He tried to see you every day, even if it was for a short amount he just wanted to see you. You’d come to concerts, you’d beg their manager to let you come on tours because you wanted to be there for Chan, but that meant you’d have to pretend you were a staff member. And while it was worth it, you still hated having to hide.

Chan had actually had you in a couple of lives, meeting the fans, waving off camera for the first few before showing your face and finally sitting next to Chan during these lives, or just in the background. 

You’d listen to all the cheesy pick up lines fan’s would send upon request from Chan, listening to the songs fans would request and sometimes singing along because you knew some. Slowly but surely you were seen more often, and sometimes if Chan was live in his room and you decided to stay the night, He’d find you falling asleep halfway through in his best as if you didn’t have any sleeping problems. 

…And Chan being Chan he’d flip the camera around to record you and let the fans take clips of him playing around with your sleeping figure just before deciding to end the live show and let you sleep in peace.

He was waiting on you now though, waiting for you to come over after a long day of work as you had agreed sleepovers would happen if he ever needed company. You had multiple changes of clothes at Chan’s because of this, but you’d end up sleeping in his hoodie or a t-shirt. 

Tonight was weird though, when you had arrived you didn’t look tired, or even seemed bothered, like you were hiding something and it made him nervous.

“So uh,, how was work..?”

And that was the question that broke you. Smile faltering, body language changing from bouncy and excited to completely distraught and stressed out.

“They fired me today.. They had a rush of some of your ‘fans’ come in and basically target me for being friends with you. It was the last straw for them so they fired me. I’m jobless now.” You muttered, burying your face in your hands as you sighed heavily.

Chan couldn’t help but frown and immediately try to get you comfortable, of course that was after you had changed in the bathroom and took off all the makeup you had put on prior, and he decided to lighten the mood at least a bit, “Eh, on the bright side, you don’t have to deal with that pervy manager that kept eyeballing you whenever you were working.”

You snorted at the response and nodded before going silent again, sitting next to Chan on the bed awkwardly, “What about you? I was looking at your most used streaming service today and it says you’ve been listening to Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls for like 4 hours now.”

“I just missed you, that’s all.” Chan replied almost immediately, trying to cover up the fact that he was in fact, dealing with something, but he couldn’t fool you. You saw right through him.

“Chan, we both know that you are lying to me, and it’s doing absolutely nothing. What’s on your mind?” You pushed, like you usually did. God how did that voice of yours always break him like a glass cup?

“It’s just the same ol’, same ol’.. Overthinking and stressing out over things that can be cared about later.. Thinking about the past and stuff like that..” Chan lazily skimmed over the details of what had been dealing with, and while it did bring you some ease, it didn’t put it to rest.

“I get that… Ugh, what am I gonna do now? I don’t have a job anymore..” You muttered, flopping backwards on Chan’s full sized bed.

“Just come live with me.. Life’s easier when you’re here anyway.” Chan admitted with a few moments of hesitation.

You giggled at his remark, finding it sweet that he cared that much, “Nah, I couldn’t do that to you Channie. You work too hard anyway, that’d basically mean you’d have to start paying for two, buying for two, and it could possibly mean double the rent.”

“No really, please I don’t mind. I’d rather have you here then be in deafening silence, plus, don’t I basically already do that?”

“No you do not! You’ve paid for dinner on occasion, and you’ve only ever paid for things I needed when I didn’t have the money.”

“Exactly, which has been most of the time.”

“Lair.”

“Not a liar I just want to make sure you remember me when I– Nevermind..”

And then a few moments of silence. He thought you had fallen asleep so he turned his head to admire your sleeping facial features, only to be startled by wide eyes and brows furrowed.

“When you what Chan?” And when you had asked, he didn’t respond for a few minutes.

“Nothing, lets just go to be–”

“No, tell me. Right now or so help me, I will tickle you to death.”

You knew he hated that threat.

“I just.. I want to make sure you remember me when I die..”

You quickly shook your head and sat up, Chan nearly following you moments after, “Chan you can’t just say that.. You can’t just assume that I would be okay with you plotting–”

“I’m not plotting, I’m just thinking about the future is all.. You remember my song 42 right? It’s like that right now only, just, me being older.”

“Chan you can’t mask your problems with thinking about the future.” 

“I understand that but-”

“Then why do it? Why question your whole existence right next to your best friend that you KNOW will prove you wrong every damn time you think like that.” 

Silence fell between the two again. Chan knew you were right, you always were. You proved him wrong every time that he had doubted himself or thought about taking his life in the future. He knew how much he meant to you, and you knew how much you meant to him, yet sometimes he forgets that and just runs his mouth like it didn’t matter.

“Channie.. You need to stop thinking like that.. It’s not healthy.” You muttered, turning to him with worry in your eyes.

“Hypocrite.”

“What?”

“You can’t say anything, because you do the same shit.”

“Chan, I really don’t want to argue, I’m just worried about you.. It’s the 5th time this month, that’s more than what it’s been in the last two years. You haven’t thought like this so much since you had to let Hyunjin go on hiatus.”

Chan couldn’t help but get teary eyed. You were right again, just like always. He felt like fool, and he felt like he didn’t deserve you.

His head hung low for a little while, before your hand came up under his chin to lift his head, revealing his quivering lips and teary eyes.

“I’m sorry.. ‘M acting like such a fool around you, aren’t I?”

“No.. No sweetie you aren’t, you never do..”

Chan whimpered a little before sniffling, your hand now shifting to wipe a couple of stray tears. You couldn’t help but get teary eyed too, trying to blink it all away but it just made tears fall.

“Why are you crying?” He finally spoke up after what felt like eternity, his own hand now going to wipe away your tears, then resting gently on your cheek where you leaned into it.

“Chan I’m terrified of losing you.. Everytime that you’ve texted me that you loved me or that you felt like you were slipping away from reality made me so scared.. I know that without you my life would be actual hell, and I just can’t handle that.” You began to ramble, swallowing thickly as a sniffle passed through in the process.

“Y/N..”

“I’ve had dreams, of what the world would be like without you and it’s not pretty.. Those dreams I see fans falling apart, wishing that they could join you, and some of them would.. I saw Felix falling apart, hiding away in his room desperately clinging onto a hoodie from your closet he stole months ago.. I see Jisung falling into despair and writing songs about you. Hyunjin who would constantly paint pictures that reminded him of you, or just a portrait of you in general. I see Bin, who would lose his motivation to work out because he didn’t have his work out buddy, lose the passion to write and produce because there wasn’t going to be someone who could make him laugh like you made him. I see Innie visiting your grave for hours on end because he misses his hyung and can’t stand being away from you, Seungmin who would constantly talk about you and cry on live or during interviews because he didn’t know what to do.. And Minho… I see him in complete shambles, balling his eyes out every night and just clinging onto your bedsheets for dear life because your cologne or shampoo would linger in your room..” You just barely made it to the end of it, tears streaming down your face and onto the hands which now held both of your cheeks. 

Chan could feel his heart shattering, listening to the dream you had about everyone, but one thing was missing. You. Where were you?

“And you?”

“Chan I wouldn’t have been able to handle it, I would’ve taken mine the moment I would find out you were dead.” You had nearly sobbed from it, and it broke his heart. 

Without hesitation he pulled you close and began kissing at your tears, trying to force them away just before letting you cling onto him and hide away.

“Chan, I remember what it was like during your first attempt.. The night I came to your house and saw those red stains on washcloths. The slightly tinted red left over water in the bathtub because I came over so suddenly, the stray droplets leading from your room to the bathroom just before stopping at the doorway because of your carpeted floors..” You just couldn’t help but ramble about it all, you remembered everything and Chan could feel it eating at him.

“I remember showing you the song Iris in the car ride home the next day because I knew you’d understand the lyrics, feel connected better than what most people would when I showed them the song. I remember getting home and crying because I knew that I didn’t come soon enough to prevent you from even trying, and even.. and even causing pain to myself because I couldn’t handle it. I felt so numb, just like how you explained it to me the first time we talked about it.. It didn’t feel right, like I–” 

“Can I see them..?” Chan felt himself hesitating from that question, causing him to swallow thickly. You stared at him for and sense of joke before moving and rolling up your spandex and revealing the very faded yet slightly dark scars from years ago. You watched as one of Chan’s hands falling from your face to the scars, gently touching them with his brows furrowed. He then stopped, and pulled them down, before squeezing you tighter than before.

“Chan I’m worried that if you try again, I’ll go down with you this time, and I really don’t want that to happen.”

“It won’t, I made a promise, remember?” 

“It doesn’t mean you can’t break it.”

“I won't.”

“I know…”

You two basked in a 15 minute cuddle session of just silence, knowing that if either of you talked about it again, you’d both fall apart in a matter of minutes.

“I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about it, but can I see yours?”

Chan was confused by what you meant, which made him release a “Hm?”

“Your.. Your scars.. Can I see them?”

Chan smiled at you a little before silently nodding and showing his own thighs. Fans often couldn’t see them because of cover ups and makeup, but when there's nothing covering them, they were very vivid and deep. 

You shifted so you were now face to face with those scars, causing him to jump and flush red, almost reaching to stop you.

“I want to kiss them better.. I know they won’t go away but maybe if I kissed them it would be better..” You muttered, fingers tracing them before your soft, slightly cracked lips touched the scar tissue. 

It caused him to swallow thickly, ears now red while watching you hastily and gently place kisses on every single scar you could.

“Y/N.. You don’t have to do this..”

“I want to.. Just talk to me about your feelings..”

“Okay.. Well.. the night you came over and almost caught me, I was thinking so selfishly, like, I didn’t even think of you.. And when you came over it made me realize how stupid I was to do such a thing. It wasn’t even an attempt at that point, it was like I was finding a reason to be miserable.. To make you miserable until realizing that’s not what I wanted…”

While Chan continued to ramble, you kept placing kisses on the scars gently, just before grabbing a marker and beginning to draw hearts and stars on them. Not in permanent marker of course, but maybe it could be a cool tattoo idea.

Chan flinched at the cold from the ink, looking at you becoming focused in your work, “What are you doing now?”

“Drawing hearts and stars because then they’ll be pretty and all healed.”

His heart fluttered at your words, and it made him get a little nervous. It was probably the worst time to do a confession, so he decided to wait it out a little longer. 

By the time you finished, the two of you ended up all snuggled up, covered in drawings of heart, stars, and smiley faces. You two were giggling at a few of them but of course, it didn’t stop you from talking.

You talked about many things all night, and it made sense for the two of you since insomnia loved kicking him and you in the ass and telling you to suffer, but besides the point, you felt comfortable. 

There was a point during these conversations you got drowsy, and you could only remember bits and pieces before snapping awake and looking at Chan with surprised eyes.

“Quit looking at me like that, you look like a scary monster.” He joked, a giggle following through with it after.

“Oh please, if anything I’m far from a monster.. I’m just getting a little drowsy..”

“Could I tell you something that would wake you up even more?”

“I guess so What’s this little secret you got?”

He paused for a moment, pretending to think like he had to remember it, just before locking eyes with you, which scared you.

“I love you.”

“Awhh Channie I love you too!”

“No,,, Y/N I don’t think you’re listening to me.. I love you. Like, really love you.”

Your expression shifted from half asleep to wide awake with red all over, “Chan? Christopher? Chris? Like, Crispy? Channie? You love me?”

“Yes, I love you so damn much..”

You fell silent before bursting into a fit of excited giggles and hiding away in his arms, “I love you too, Channie..”

He couldn’t help but smile, making sure that the both of you were snuggled up under the blankets, and after hours of letting the song repeat, he changed it. 

5am, is what the time reads. 5am on March 25th, 2023, was the day that you two had spent all night talking, snuggled up, drawing on each other, and falling in love over and over again.

5am on March 25th, 2023, the day that the world decided two lonely people needed each other. The day that you fell asleep happy in his arms with no other thoughts in your mind.

[laceymorganwrites]

Livin´ on a prayer

Kinktober day 1: switching

Pairing: Ogata x fem!reader

Word count: 5,547

Warnings: mild gore, oral (fem! receiving), written in 3rd person

A/N: whoop whoop! I´m finally backkkkkk (let´s hope I can manage to finish everything tho lmao) and we´re starting the month with my favorite wildcat^^ I´m so excited for season 4 aaaah

Song: Livin´ on a prayer by Bon Jovi

Things have been rough for Ogata after Karafuto to say the least. Ever since he decided to do things his own way for once, think for himself and just do whatever he wanted for a change. And now there really was only place for him to go, it was the only thing he had left, the only thing he wanted in his life, the only thing keeping him sane. Well (Y/N) wasn´t a thing, she was a person. A person that was very important to him. He couldn´t tell if it was love since he never experienced that in his whole life, neither on the giving nor receiving end. So he didn´t want to call it that as long as he himself didn´t understand it fully.

He actually felt relieved when he entered the backdoor of her establishment, he couldn´t risk being seen and pulling her into his mess. She already did so much for him, she didn´t deserve the consequences of his actions. (Y/N) was about the only person he´d be considerate towards to.

The two of them always have been close, they hit it off as soon as they met. It was to be expected since brothels were always his home, though to be fair he still figured out what that even meant. But she really helped him with all of that, with his emotions, she didn´t look at him full of disgust and hate when he told her how he never felt guilty for his kills. And she was also the one who always listened to him, he trusted her enough to tell her all about his gruesome deeds in war.

Sometimes when he had a particularly bad day he´d even sleep over at her place. Most of the times he couldn´t sleep but he noticed that he was calmer in her arms, he liked cuddling a lot and she especially made him feel safe. Like nothing would happen to him. Because she wouldn´t let it. And that was because she actually cared, a lot more than she let on. Ogata saw her as a friend because he was too scared of anything more intimate even though they crossed that line a long time ago. And (Y/N) wanted to give him all the time he needed to figure things out on his own, she didn´t want to pressure him into a relationship just because she caught feelings.

As soon as she saw him she smiled slightly, already looking around the rooms to see which of the women were free currently. “Ah, no need.” he said as he noticed what she was doing. He appreciated it, she always had the prettiest women serve him but to him that was her. Especially lately on his journey when he laid awake at night, all alone. He just couldn´t stop thinking about her. “Alright, do you want some tea?” she asked, her gentle smile on her lips as always. He nodded as he took off his coat and put it on some chair where he sat down, running his hand through his hair to keep it out of his face.

During his travels he learned how to snipe again, he might have gotten just a tad bit better if that even was possible, he also put in his fake eye already, not really wanting to gross her out too much. When (Y/N) came back with the tea she noticed that he seemed to be deep in thought, which wasn´t uncommon for him but today it seemed especially serious. So she just sat down next to him, sipping on her cup of tea and waiting if he would say something. She didn´t mind the silence with him, she knew he wasn´t that big of a talker. Though sometimes he did surprise her.

“I´m glad you´re back, I missed you” her voice was quiet as she said it, it was the first time actually admitting her feelings for him, he was gone for quite a bit and she was so scared of never seeing him again, she just couldn´t keep it to herself any longer. She didn´t care if he didn´t feel the same but she couldn´t just act as if there was nothing between the two of them anymore.

He wordlessly blinked at her, needing some time to process what she said and come up with a sarcastic remark to hide his actual feelings because intimacy scared him.

“Aw come on, I´m not that good in bed” he smirked, she rolled her eyes chuckling but then looked him straight in the eyes, well eye… “Yes you are and you know it” she shot back, a sly grin on her face, knowing he knew that it wasn´t all there was to it. Even if he wasn´t ready to face it yet, he couldn´t escape from the fact that she liked him more than she should anymore. And maybe he did too. It was most probable but he pushed that thought to the back of his mind. It was too late for him anyway, there was no chance in hell she´d still want him with his injury. But he was quite surprised she didn´t say something about that earlier. She must´ve noticed as soon as she saw him, but he appreciated her not saying anything, giving him enough space and room to address it on his own if he wished to. But (Y/N) was someone who would never force anything out of him so even if he´d stay quiet for the rest of the night she would never hold it against him.

But he did end up saying something about it. That cocky attitude soon being washed away by his insecurities as he stared holes in his tea, he had both of his hands holding onto his cup to warm up.

“Maybe I was once but I don´t think I am anymore” he quietly mumbled. When he felt her warm hand against one of his, still cold on the outside, he looked up slightly to see her kind and gentle expression. Even after all these years it was still new to him. How anyone could look at him with something else than hate and distrust. Disgust and shame. But there were no such things in her eyes, they were so warm and empathetic, loving even. If being loved meant being safe like he was with her, being looked at like that, he so desperately wanted to be able to express the same to her. Because in that moment he knew he felt it too. Being with (Y/N) was like coming home, having a home in the first place, he never wanted to leave. But at the same time he did, he wanted to leave with her and go on adventures, settle down at the same time, conquer the world and withdraw to the farthest corner with her. If being in love felt like this he understood how greedy and gruesome people got for it. All things considered he already did in his life and didn´t feel guilty about, he´d do things tenfold worse than that if it meant seeing her smile at him for just a moment. Because in that moment everything was fine, everything was peaceful, perfect, calm and … pure. In a sense that was almost comical considering the fact they met and presently were in that same brothel.

Ogata let go of the cup so he could properly hold her hand, not quite facing her just yet but his eyes were fixated on their interlocked fingers now instead of the hot tea. He was quiet for a bit but eventually told her all about his journey and injury. As he realized that she wasn´t judging him for what he did and just listened closely to him, softly caressing his hand at the parts that were hurtful to talk about to him, he felt so secure. He didn´t have to hide the pained expression as he thought about the pain, about the consequences of his actions, about the fact he did something for himself for the first time, not just following orders of a mad man that was too far gone at this point. Parts of his journey felt freeing even, but he paid the price for that. However if that was what it took, what it cost to be reunited with (Y/N), he´d do it all over again. And because he felt so safe with her, knowing she would never judge him for the fact he couldn´t express his feelings as others could, knowing he overall had trouble with emotions, he felt safe enough to tell her how proud he was to be able to call himself a sniper again, that he felt more alive again, like himself, like a breathing human being. Though he didn´t associate the last part with himself before knowing her.

“Really? That´s great,  but then again I didn´t think you wouldn´t be able to. I mean being a sniper is in your blood, it would be tragic if you wouldn´t be able to anymore” she told him, that honest to a fault smile on her face again. That smile he could look at for hours, knowing everything was going to be fine. No matter what went through his mind right now, screw the self destructive thoughts and all the doubts, questioning whether everyone who called him a wildcat was right, none of that mattered when he looked at her.

“You´re making it sound like I can actually be a man again” there it was, his self hatred, that dark chuckle that sounded more like a cry for help for her. She held onto his hand a bit tighter, gently caressing it. “Because you can. You never were anything less to me” she told him, this time averting her eyes. She was getting too bold. He was here for sex, to be a man again like he said. Not for her and her stupid feelings he didn´t even reciprocate. She should just stop it and so she did. (Y/N) wanted to get up and get him the prettiest woman she could find, if she had to continue her work herself. He deserved only the best. And she´d make that happen no matter what it took. But Ogata held her back, holding onto her hand like it was his lifeline because in a sense it was. “No. Stay. I don´t want meaningless sex tonight, I just want you… and I hate that you just made me say that but I know what you´re trying to do. And don´t. Just don´t. I thought we were past the point of sugar coating words so just say it. Say you don´t like me the way I like you and let me leave. Or say you feel the same and never let me go” (Y/N) wasn´t the only person unsure about her and his feelings, but the journey to Otaru made him hyper aware of his own. In a way that almost hurt.

Now it was her turn to wordlessly look at him. She just got a confession. Of his feelings. For her. By none other than Ogata Hyakunosuke. Now that was a rare occurrence if she ever saw one. Before thinking too much about it she pulled him close by the collar of his uniform to kiss him passionately. In this moment Ogata felt himself relax, much more than he already did whenever he was with her. Maybe it was because for once something good happened in his life, for once someone liked him for him, not his sniping abilities, not because of his mother, or his brother or father, not because he was in the 7th or anything like that. No she just liked him for… his personality? It sounded crazy to him to be honest so he thought that it might have something to do with the fact he gave incredibly good head. But maybe that was just because her cunt tasted the sweetest. He kissed her back eagerly, his tongue playing an all too familiar game of catch with hers, leaving him utterly breathless but he didn´t care. He did care about the little coffee table that was in the way between them so he pushed it to the side so he could wrap his arms around her, pulling her as close as humanly possible. She did the same, desperately clinging on to him and there was so much more emotion in the kiss than both of them were ready for, so much piled up feelings that have been repressed far too long.

She softly bit his lip like she always did and he couldn´t help but smile and then slightly chuckle into the kiss, his hands wandering all over her body and undressing her in the process. He used the moment when they broke apart for air to undress himself too, he knew she could get quite impatient in moments like these. When he was done he let (Y/N) marvel at him, she always needed that too. To touch him up like that, feel up his muscles and abs, she especially loved touching his inner thighs, maybe because she knew he was the most sensitive there. He´d hate it with anyone else, hate knowing they knew his most vulnerable spots and all his secrets, but sharing those things with her was much more intimate than he was ready for. But could you ever really be ready for love? Wasn´t that just the thing about it? That it hit you without any warning and then left you breathless?

She herself hated definitions when it came to feelings, you couldn´t explain them, that was the whole point. Instead she showed them with actions, of course she loved him. She knew him well enough after all those years but she still wanted to know even more. She wanted to know everything about him, experience everything with him, she just wanted all of him to herself.

Strangely enough Ogata felt the same about her. Nothing ever truly belonged to him, much less voluntarily stayed with him. But he was so sick of being used like a chess piece because he didn´t feel worthy enough to act on his own impulses, he didn´t really have any besides sex and shooting things. Until she came into his life. Somehow making her laugh was more satisfying to him than making her cum, though he always felt the proudest when he made both happen at the same time.

Just thinking about it and her made him dizzy in the best ways possible.

He hovered over her a bit, resting one of his hands on her cheek and the other on the floor to support his weight as he gently laid her down on the floor. Both of them couldn´t wait long enough to go to a proper room with a bed in it and both of them didn´t want to break their physical connection right now. Ogata was already half hard and normally it took him ages to get to that point so he really must´ve spared himself for her. It made her smile slightly, slowing down the kiss to make it more gentle and meaningful. It ended up being more tongue than lips but they always seemed to end up like that anyway, it was a routine she looked forward to every time.

Slowly but surely she felt his hands wander down to her hips which she spread for him, he broke the kiss to nibble slightly on her neck, leaving his marks this time. He usually didn´t leave any because he was too considerate of her not getting into trouble with other costumers but this time he just didn´t care. He´d much rather have her to himself anyway. And in the end he´d always been a selfish bastard, everything he did was for himself. And he wanted her too. Wanted to claim her as his own, maybe in a possessive way too but definitely not a harmful one. If he knew she didn´t feel the same he´d never have come back in the first place. Though maybe he would. He wouldn´t approach her, but he´d certainly watch her, wallow in his anguish of knowing she´d never love him back. Like all the others. And somehow that would bring him peace, knowing she wasn´t a freak like him.

But he knew better now. He knew that she was just as normal as him, she knew that they were two of a kind and finally he didn´t feel alone in this world anymore, he found a sense of belonging. It was so nice to be free of all the ties that bound him, of all the social status and faking smiles and respect, playing along with whatever sick thing Tsurumi had planned, pretending he didn´t know he was getting manipulated. It was all over now. None of that was on his mind when he was with her, she was his angel, purifying him in a sense. Purifying him in the dirtiest way they both knew. That thought made him grin, gently sliding two fingers over her wet cunt. “What´s so funny?” she smiled down at him, raking her fingers through his hair, spreading her legs even more for him. She loved the way he touched her, he wasn´t rough but also not soft. He was teasing, to an extent where he had her crying, begging him to stop and for more all at once. “Mhm, who knows. Maybe the fact that I got you all to myself now, that even though you get fucked every day I´m still the one who makes you scream the loudest” he whispered in her ear, nibbling on it slightly. She was already panting, how cute. Maybe all the smoking did him some good after all. It was no secret she had a thing for his voice, he never truly understood it but certainly made good use of it. Ogata was never one to talk much, or rather like to talk a lot. It really depended on the topic. He could taunt people for hours but casual talk? That wasn´t so much his forte, well he just didn´t care for it. Unless it was with her. With (Y/N) he could talk for hours on end. Especially if it meant teasing her in this state. He´d never get tired of that.

“My, my… so wet already~ I didn´t even do anything yet, are you that desperate? Can´t say I blame you though” he chuckled darkly, ghosting his fingers over her thighs, never giving her what she truly desired. It was too much fun watching her writhe in his touch.

“Fuck you” she moaned and his grin widened. “Oh come on, can´t even do that on your own? You want me that badly? Want me to make your legs shake with just my tongue? Make you cry out my name so that everyone knows exactly who you belong to? Fuck you so hard you can´t even think for yourself? Just say the word, we both know you want it, there´s no shame in it” he purred, how badly she wanted to wipe this smirk off his face, but she knew well enough that he wouldn´t let her tonight, there were too many emotions boiling over at this point, he was so unhinged, that hungry look in his eye she loved to see, at this point she´d let him do everything he´d damn well pleased, even let him fuck her in front of everyone to see but she knew he was too impatient himself for this right now.

“Just fucking do it” she groaned, not putting up with his teasing tonight, it´s been far too long for him to have an attitude like that. He let it pass since it was her. She wouldn´t be able to formulate coherent sentences in a bit anyway, so it didn´t really matter. “Fine, fine, you´re no fun” that didn´t stop him from teasing her a bit more though, his fingers lazily tracing patterns all over her skin before rubbing over her pussy, grinning as he put them in front of her mouth. “Go on, taste yourself for me”

She blushed, he was always so bold and yet she didn´t dislike it one bit, being obedient for him and opening her mouth so she could suck on his fingers. “Good girl” he grinned, starting to stroke his cock for her to see and dipping down to taste her for himself. Hyakunosuke always liked giving oral more than receiving it, he was the one in control, the one who held the power. And oh how immense it was. The second his tongue hit her clit she cried out his name. He had made her wait so long that now everything felt much more intense, a shiver went throughout her body, making her ache for him. Ogata looked up at her like she was a work of art. Not that he´d ever be interested in some boring pieces of painting. No, he meant the art of the battlefield, the art of his craft, the art he could understand and worship, the art he could relish in. She was an artform that only he could grasp and understand completely, just like he was for her, two outcasts of society, dancing and laughing in the bloody rain all alone while everyone else whispered among themselves just how fucking insane they were. And yes maybe they were, but did that really matter? The way they viewed the world was just so much more fun. They got everything they wanted after all, not being on any sides, just doing whatever they felt like whenever and craving chaos and their touch most of all.

Ecstasy.

Being with Ogata was pure ecstasy. It wasn´t even just sexual, (Y/N) and him felt completely and utterly understood for the first time in their lives. He chuckled darkly as his grip on her hips became that much tighter, as he felt the fiery passion only she could ignite in him, she was his driving force and only for her he wasn´t selfish. Eating her out gave him a weird sense of peace and belonging, for the first time in his life the voices were quiet, he was calm, her scent and taste calmed him down so much it was almost unbelievable. He always was so rough at first, diving his tongue and fingers in and out of her, overstimulating her clit in the process, but every time he had those almost romantic epiphanies in which he slowed down to appreciate the way she would look down to him, those beautiful eyes she could barely keep open, that mouth hanging wide open calling his name, those hands on his head, gripping his hair, tugging at it just the right way…

He grinned widely and sped up the movement of his tongue just enough to make her legs shake before moving away completely, making her whine and leaving her hanging. Ogata liked teasing her way too much. Maybe because he hoped she would take revenge one day. He liked playing with the thought of her completely and utterly dominating him and paying him back for every time he teased her a tad too much. But for now he simply kissed her with a softness that was so unexpected from a man like him. This gentleness she only experienced with him, the way he deepened the kiss and wouldn´t let go of her waist all the while. The way his fingers traced her stomach and then rubbed against her wet folds, slowly slipping in. He started to move them immediately, slowly at first since their kiss was still so gentle. He did crave those silent and quiet moments of inner peace he only found with her. She moved her hips along with him, with every curling motion of his fingers she panted heavier. He chuckled against her lips and hovered over her a bit, adding another finger that he just knew wouldn´t fill her up enough. He knew it and he anticipated it, anticipated the moment he would finally be able to give her what she really wanted, to feel those tight walls around his cock, he wasn´t a religious man but fuck if that wasn´t what heaven felt like. He groaned slightly at just the thought which was something he never did. Be vocal about his own pleasure and desires that was. But she made it so easy. Like it wasn´t something to be ashamed of, like he was normal. He hated feeling like an outsider, like the weirdo, like an abomination his parents always reminded him he was. But he never felt like that with her, she didn´t let him. She just made him feel like a man. And recently she became more bold, making him feel like a king instead. Hell, a god even. She really did love him, huh?

Love was such a foreign concept to him but with her he felt like he could actually grasp it. It was in the way her moans grew louder as he added another finger, driving her insane, she was just so impatient he loved every second. He liked to think that he was always in control in his life but she made him lose it all. He looked forward to it every damn time.

“Please… Hyakunosuke… I can´t wait much longer” she looked up at him with such pleading, irresistible eyes. How could he say no? Especially when she moaned his name so sweetly? He stroked his cock a few more times before he spread her legs even more, finally becoming one with her. She smiled up at him, watching every inch of him disappear inside of her, filling her up like nothing and no one else could. It filled Ogata with such an immense amount of pride, it was almost sacrilegious. It was in moments like this when they became one that she felt truly at home, it was the most natural feeling in the world to her and yet it was the most amazing one every damn time. Only with him could she feel this way. More than that she wanted to feel like this only with him. If there was ever someone else who wanted to steal those moments and feelings from her she´d beg Ogata to shoot them all down. And he would. Because for her he´d do anything. Especially if she was watching with those kind eyes of hers, that smile to show him she was proud of him…

And he was a greedy man, as if he´d ever let another bastard touch her the way he did, moan for him like she did for him, look at him like she was so in love she couldn´t even think straight anymore, look at him the way he looked at her. He grunted as he started moving, slower than usual, he wanted to savor every moment. She really was made just for him, clenching around his cock so deliciously. And then it hit him, she was just as greedy as he was. The thought made him moan and grin like a madman. In his euphoria he started moving faster, not even caring about the very thing he was scared of the most until it finally happened. At a particularly hard thrust of his, his fake eye fell out and landed on her stomach. Dread didn´t even come close to what he was feeling in this moment. He expected everything, her to scream, yell at him and run for the hills. To absolutely hate and despise him, to laugh at him, to throw up from how ugly he was now… but he didn´t expect her to smile up at him. He didn´t expect her to rest your hand on his cheek, stopping for a moment to kiss him softly and look at him full of worry.

“Did it hurt?” she asked quietly, putting the eye back in gently, maneuvering him so he laid on his back now. And he let her. They were still connected, maybe it was fucked up but her kind and gentle soul, her genuine kindness went right to his cock. He chuckled at her question and decided not to ignore it like he initially wanted to. No, with her he could be honest and vulnerable. Hell, she was the only person in this world who wouldn´t take advantage of it. “Actually I didn´t feel anything, got shot with a poison arrow” he said so casually and watched her lips twitch upwards as you laughed a little. Cute. “Lucky you. But the poison didn´t spread out much, did it? So… you can still feel this?” she accentuated her last question with a roll of her hips, propping herself up and leaning back just a bit so she would tighten beautifully around his cock. He bit back a groan and grinned up at her. “Feel what? I guess you´re gonna have to try harder to suck the poison out of me” it was a dare and he knew it, he also knew that she could very well just stand up and walk out of the room in just this instance to leave him to take care of himself. He knew that very well and still he craved to walk this thin line with her, testing the waters, no they were beyond that point now. He was slowly wading through her ocean just to the point where he couldn´t stay anymore and then he´d tease her to the moment he was completely underwater, seconds away from drowning. And then he´d behave again. Because fuck did he need her, cumming without (Y/N) wasn´t any fun. For some reason she let him every single time. Well no, she did punish him quite a bit which to be fair he always looked forward to a little too much. She sat on his cock, throbbing inside of her and stared him down, arms folded over her chest. She was waiting, testing how long it would take him to lose his mind. But both of them knew that he had been beyond that point for a long time now. Without any warning she lifted her hips off him until only his tip remained inside and then bounced down, taking all of him once again. She planned to be gentle with him today since it´s been so long since they last saw each other. But (Y/N) was getting impatient. And he was getting too cocky.

“Oh fuck, yup I definitely felt that one” he smirked up at her. “Good boy” she said sweetly and his smirk widened. He always was putty in her hands, he usually hated following orders but with her it was more than okay. She always took such good care of him. And hearing her praise him made it all worth it, all he wanted was to do a good job for her. He just wanted to be hers completely. She grinned down on him and he was in heaven. With every movement and thrust of her hips he became utterly lost in her, as if he wasn´t already. He wasn´t a religious man by any chance but if he could choose his deity it would be (Y/N). Hyakunosuke had a feverish look on his face as he watched her ride him, his hands gripping herr hips tightly, guiding them. Not that she needed any guiding but he felt like he would lose his mind if he didn´t touch her as much as he could. He had long since put any shame aside and moaned loudly now. “Please… please” he whispered, her name hanging from his lips like a prayer. “I know, baby, I know” she cooed, picking up pace all at once, her hips snapping and rocking against his, taking the breath out of him. He looked so irresistible underneath her, how could she hold back? Not when he looked up at her like she was a goddess. (Y/N) felt a rush go through her as she saw the way he looked at her, knowing she was the only one who ever saw this much emotion in him, being the only one he was so devout to. “Fuck...Fuck!” he groaned, he was close and he felt her tightening around him as well, he always tried to cum second but she made it especially hard today. His eyes rolled back as he dug his nails into her hips, thrusting up into her like a madman until he finally felt release. She felt it spill out while he was still inside. As always his voice was what brought her over the edge, the way he moaned herr name like the only thing that mattered. It was just perfect. She didn´t stop moving, instead opting to ride him slowly until she was exhausted as well, overstimulating him just a bit. He was still delirious from the pain and the medicine he took not to die, but she was the only thing he saw clearly. Ogata waited until she climbed down from him before he pulled her close to kiss her deeply, his hands roaming over your naked form. “I should visit more often” he mumbled, closing his eye, feeling at peace for the first time in years.

[threepoint14art]

Loon drawing :D love her im killing her

Heavily inspider by the song "Bouquet Garni" by nilfruits! it's really good I reccomend checking it out :9

hey girl, ever have breakdowns and the only way you can somehow hold yourself back from going full insane is thinking back to all the shitty videogames you consume in the comfort of your own room? if so then you have something in common with her !1!1! hasashgihasg breakdown (videogame flavored)

I'll go a bit more in depth on him under the cut since I figured we changed quite a tad about her and I want to spread wisdom (our AU) to the world

So I'll start with design choices and then I'll move to his general character ヾ(≧▽≦*)o So:

The things coming out from his neck are antennae! they make her have really good hearing which SUCKS when you are overwhelmed (which she is, always) so rip!

His eyes have no pupil because arthropods and insects have them freaky eyes now <3

He has blue and red dyed hair to match the animatronics color scheme (thought the red is not very obvious here since he's tilting his head), though the white bits of his hair are not actually dyed! they are like that because he's a ladybug and they have those white spots on the sides of their little heads!

-His hands are segmented like that because of an arbitrary rule I made to make arthropods more recognizable amongst them bears and foxes and allat, since a arthropods are segmented I applied that to their articulations! fun fact, insects like Loon or Cami (We made her a mantis I'm sorry) have a division on their neck, while arthropods that are NOT insects, like Owynn, completely lack that! that's because insects are divided in 3 parts (head thorax and abdomen) arachnids are divided in 2 (thorax and abdomen) ((not exactly called that but semantics)).

-He has little ladybug earrings and actually he matches with Malva!(Usagi) ((we changed her name lol)) ((her last name is visco haha get it malva-visco))

-In general I made his hair darker, gave him a bit of acne amongst the freckles and made him more tan because we love melanin in this house

Now for,, character changes,,,

So first of all, he/she swag, bigender, Loon when masc and JJ when fem though it fluctuates too, good for her gettem. We obliterated that Malva crush, gone, exploded into pieces, and also she's ecuadorian now, gettem.

We turned that pathetic nervous shy thing of his into something way worse </3 She is still introverted and all that, but the main thing is that she does not like going outside! gamer goes outside challenge impossible, she does NOT like leaving his house shut-in guy who if outside for long enough has a breakdown, clings to Malva because they are best friends and she's like "safe" she's like a safe zone. Loon cannot function in social/public settings at all and just clings, which is also why a lot of people mistake him as "having a crush on her" even though they are a bajillion percent platonic

He's a bit of a cringefail loser and also a bit creepy lmao, always on her phone always trying to zone the hell out and think about a silly videogame, but also just nosy, hit antennae and insect stuff lets him 1) look wherever without people being able to tell, and 2) listen to stuff. So yeah, his ass sorta psychoanalyzes people and snoops through stuff to kinda distract herself from the horrors of being outside, which is why in this AU she's dating Owynn T-T sorta like the animatronic she isn't like actually out to get you, but instead acts like some sort of aid for the real enemy, which is Owynn, so yeah. Enabler and snoops through shit AKA has good info for Owynn's insane as shit ideas, insane of her but whatever.

Also given how in this Au we cranked the animal motifs to a thousand, being a little "bug" and then being next to like, a bear is terrifying to her, so besides being scared of just existing outside, she's also scared of people as a whole because little insect vs big animal, rip.

And i think that's most of it, if anyone read all of this and has any questions feel free to ask T-T sorry if the formatting SUCKS it's the first time I've tried putting something this long on tumblr <//3

[cringe--is--dead]

Hey! I’m not sure if you’re still doing match ups for wind breaker, but Id love one if you’re open to it!

Me: I’m pretty quiet at first and don’t really open up emotionally until I get to know someone, but start making jokes/chiming in a lot sooner. Older sibling-vibes, non-judgmental when it comes to important things but will roast your choice of drink if it’s bad. Kind of a dork, but only show it if I’m really comfortable (because I’m also very anxious) or if I’m really passionate about the topic. I care deeply about trying to make people feel understood and cared for but if you try to do the same for me I will short circuit

Hobbies: I like reading and baking in my friend time, especially with music or a podcast in the background. I also love being outside when it’s not 1000 degrees out!

Pets: I used to have a dog, and I’d love another, but I don’t really have the space for one atm

Style: I tend to dress more grunge/comfy, but with punk or goth elements, especially if I want to look cute

Media: too many to list but my recent obsessions/go tos are jjk, mashle, discworld, bridgerton, and the dark Olympus series

General: I love memes probably too much, and have major rbf (in actuality I’m spacing the f out though)

SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG! (⋟﹏⋞) BUT I'M (hopefully) BACK! ONWARDS! Side note: I love Mashle! Such a great find! >.<

I can see you being a good match with Kaji!

I can see your hangouts and one-on-one stuff starting... almost awkwardly? But in an endearing way! You're not sure what to say, he's not sure what to say, so he's got his headphones on, but soon he's taking one off his ear to talk about music and stuff with you, awkwardly asking, maybe a tad bit too loud, if you know of band xyz, or like song abc. Even if your music tastes are different I think it's a good foot to start with, and he definitely listens to any and all songs you recommend.

I think the first time you hit him with some blunt teasing over whatever drink he got from a vending machine really catches him off guard, but he finds that hilarious. Hit Enomoto with similar teasing and he thinks you're the funniest person ever. Now, he won't say that, but once you and Enomoto finish going at each other about drinks and types of coffee that's better, you see that he's silently listening, a little smirk on his face as he tries not to be caught.

He'd also love the fact that you bake, again, not admitting it. Bake him some cookies? Mans is even redder than Sakura. Later he would definitely hang out while you bake, too afraid to touch anything, but he's got his music hooked up to some speaker and has created a playlist just for you.

Also, he would think your style is the coolest thing. Like ever. Like mouth open when he first sees you for a date/hangout, lollipop almost falling onto the ground. Also loves it cause it means he can lend you his sweaters/hoodies and they fit your vibe, so you're comfortable, stylist, and wearing his clothes.

Good luck with TV shows though, the different animes he may be willing to sit down and watch with you, but I feel if he sat to watch Bridgerton with you he'd fall asleep. Not intentionally, but it's just not his style. He'd also lowkey be jealous over whatever love interest you find cute/attractive. Just pouts through his sucker.

Also, he'd be a fan of big dogs I think, the little ones are fine until he's tripping over them trying to get a snack or go to the bathroom. But a big dog? His personal weighted blanket, a big cuddly pillow. Sorry, no longer your dog, it's his.

Sorry if this felt rushed! I'm back but rustily so!

[music2sick]

[mini caleb ramble] god where to start with this song. my friend sapph put me onto this with one simple message "adrian orange/thanksgiving sounds a lot like rob tbh" and just like that i was hooked. although he does sound like my favourite artist possibly making me a tad biased, he is actually pretty good when you listen into it (and youre not just looking for someone who sounds like someone you like). [the actual review] in this song, thanksgiving mixes sloppy played ringing acoustic guitar chords with perfectly imperfect raw vocals like many songs, but somehow manages to pique the interest of weirdos like me (and also keep it interesting throughout, that too). whether this is because of his striking originality or my lack of taste is your place to judge, but even if "the last one living" is not your cup of tea, i can guarantee anyone can see the talent behind this seemingly simple song. the last one living starts with a cluster of beautifully undecipherable lyrics, (not dissimilar to the likes of sparky deathcap), that come tumbling from adrian orange's mouth in a calm yet disorderly fashion, like you after a few too many, carelessly confident, staggering over the karaoke machine trying to sing the words to sweet caroline. now, i have had to google one too many words in the first few seconds, (which albeit made me feel less of a man), so ill be deducting points for making me feel stupid, or maybe i actually am stupid in which case sorry adrian mate. moving on to the chorus, it's so brilliantly repetitive as it never gets old, i dont think ive ever been so compliant to have something drilled into my head as i am listening to this song. its catchy in a "alright i kinda get the words but they change each time" way, not a "WOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGADOO DOO DOO PUSH PINAPPLE SHAKE THE TREE" way. the great crescendo, now accompanied by harmonic backing vocals and what seems to be sliding electric guitar. not overpowered by drums or layers to flesh out the song (to make it something its not), but rather tambourine shakes and unconventional charm.

the last one living will be right, and ill leave you on that thought. I love this song and ill be looking into more of thanksgivings music very soon

[and this is the end]

i highly reccomend this song and album which you can stream on all the everywheres and buy on bandcamp, have fun x

woooooooooooooooooo music talk over babyyyyyyyyy thanks for reading my music words xxxxxxxxx

[bewareofthenewphannie]

what are some phancoded songs

Hey dearest nonny, I'm usually very bad at listening to lyrics but! I'll try my best to give you a few :P

The first one that always comes to my mind is "Friends" by Ed Sheeran.

It's maybe a tad dramatic but especially if we look at earlier phan it does fit the bill very well in my opinion.

We're not No we're not friends Nor have we ever been We just try to keep those secrets in a lie And if they find out, will it all go wrong?

[...]

So I could take the back road But your eyes will lead me straight back home

honestly, just listen to the song, it's very nice :3

The second one I want to mention, mainly because today I woke up to @serendipnpipity (rightfully) screaming about how much this is them, is "penguin" by Christina Perri.

(also on that note, check out ser's dnp playlist)

Love like this may come once Baby it's fate Like a soul mate, he's your penguin Baby it's fate Baby it's fate Not luck

"Home" by Phillip Phillips (double Phil!). You could add any of the many songs out there that talk about a person feeling like home/making something feel like home here, because that's what it's all about for them, isn't it?

Hold on, to me as we go As we roll down this unfamiliar road And although this wave is stringing us along Just know you're not alone 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

(slightly derailed continuation under the cut, I am sorry)

This next song, "All I've ever known" by Anaïs Mitchell is simply a very pretty love song that just so happens to be part of a really good musical (yes, this is just me trying to somehow make this song about dnp). You see, this is Orpheus and Eurydice here so it's all about tragic unconditional love, even in a world that feels cruel and unloving. It's about love that makes the world feel brighter, love that you never want to lose.

Orpheus was a poor boy,​ But he had a gift to give.​ He could make you see how the world could be: In spite of the way that it is And Eurydice was a young girl,​ But she'd seen how the world was.​ When she fell, she fell in spite of herself,​ In love with Orpheus.​

[...]

You take me in your arms And suddenly there’s sunlight all around me Everything bright and warm And shining like it never did before And for a moment I forget Just how dark and cold it gets

[...]

Say that you’ll hold me forever Say that the wind won’t change on us Say that we’ll stay with each other And it’ll always be like this

To make things more interesting I'll add a german song to this list based on the fact that

a) it was released in 2009

b) you can mishear the lyrics in the chorus as "the hamster is wilding outside of my window"

c) the lyrics are incredibly cheesy but also they kind of fit if you really want them to ("you're my compass when i lose myself" "you're the bandaid for my soul")

I present to you, "Pflaster" by Ich + Ich, a song that was mercilessly overplayed on the radio when I was 6 years old and probably deeply shaped my personality.

I should stop this before this gets even worse, shouldn't I?

Next, "Accidentally In Love" by Counting Crows because Shrek 2 superiority and also, they're in love (although you could argue there was nothing accidental about that).

Hmm, then "Uma Thurman" by Fall Out Boy because it's fob and well yk...

anyway, idek what that song is actually about because audio processing is not happening in this brain but i can't listen to it without thinking about them sooo

Also this! "Space Dementia" by Muse.

This reminds me of them because they talked about it on a stereo show and Dan learned to play it on the piano.

Okayyy, I'll stop this here, I hope at least the first few songs were what you were asking for!

[steponmeinejghafa]

First Bench Pt.1

Summary: Zoya Nazyalensky has always enjoyed top marks in class, and was always in the good books of the teachers. The truest first-bench student to ever exist. However, one day, a new student takes the spot. Through the year, several events bring Zoya and Y/n together, and in the end, something strange occurs.

High School!AU

Zoya Nazyalensky x fem!Brekker!reader

Warnings: None

———————————————————————

“Top marks as usual, Miss Nazyalensky,” smiled the home room teacher, Miss Reznik, as she handed Zoya her test paper. A round of soft groans went through the class, which all radiated the same message.

Obviously it was Zoya Nazyalensky who got top marks.

A self-satisfied smirk spread over Zoya’s features. She was good at everything, and she knew it. Every test? She aced. Every teacher? Loved her. First bench? Every class. Her academic reputation was unbreakable.

Or so she thought.

“Now that you’ve all received your tests, I think it’s time for me to introduce a new student to all of you. She’s just moved here from Kerch, and all this is rather new to her, so do be nice,” the teacher smiled and called someone in from outside. “Miss Brekker, do introduce yourself.”

A girl with h/c hair and lovely e/c eyes stepped gracefully into the classroom. She radiated a certain quietness which felt dangerous and calming at the same time, and it made Zoya a tad suspicious. However, that feeling seemed to vanish the very second the girl’s lips quirked up into a small smile as she shyly waved to the class.

“Miss Brekker, do introduce yourself,” smiled the teacher, sitting down.

She’s nervous, Zoya thought. Of course she is, she’s bait in a school of sharks.

“Well, I’m Y/n Brekker,” said the girl in slightly broken Ravkan. “And I just came here from Kerch, as Miss Reznik so kindly pointed out. I came here with the rest of my family, actually, and it is lovely to be here.”

The class clapped politely, and Y/n looked down, making her way to the closest seat.

The seat right beside Zoya.

A collective murmur spread through the class again, as they marvelled at the new girl’s choice to sit next to the teacher’s pet. And in the first row. It wasn’t like she had any choice, really, there was only one seat left in the class.

As Miss Reznik started class, Zoya couldn’t help but notice how the new girl sat attentively, listening to every word the teacher was saying. It was unusual for a quiet kid to sit on the first bench, and pay attention.

Miss Reznik started reading out the first few stanzas of a stupidly long Shu poem, one which the syllabus had included earlier that year.

“The garden is beautiful, with its flowers in neat rows, with each shrub trimmed, it worries little of the world outside, which is hidden by walls high and of stone.

The blackbird perches every day, on a big green tree, singing songs of love, loss, and tragedy.

The garden wilts, it’s walls start to crumble, the shrubs grow wild, as the weeds sprout beneath the carefully made path, the cracks growing larger as days and nights dance along.”

“Now, in this complex Shu poem, who can tell me what the basic idea of this stanza is?” Asked the teacher.

Before Zoya’s hand could shoot up, yours was already in the air.

Honestly, before you, Kaz, and the others had fled Kerch, you brushed up on every last bit of your studies, which included every single meaning of every Shu poem to exist.

Which was mainly a summer project you started with your closest friend, Nina. She had come to stay at the Slat with your brother and the rest after she came all the way from Ravka, so she knew what she was doing by taking that project up with you.

“Well, with reference to the garden, it symbolises beauty which has been held back from the world, made to be perfect by an experienced hand, even though it’s supposed to run free,” you said, in the same tone which Zoya used when she knew more than the class.

It infuriated her to no end.

“Well done” smiled the teacher. “I think you might have some competition, Zoya.”

Zoya smiled, but it was more of a grimace, as her hand clenched itself into a fist, her knuckles going white beneath the desk. She didn’t know you much, but she knew she hated competition. You were competition.

Naturally, she hated you.

Oblivious to the silent anger radiating off Zoya, you continued answering everything before she could, unknowingly infuriating her further with each passing moment.

The shrill sound of the bell made her anger cease, though she watched you through eyes narrowed in annoyance, as you exited the class.

She followed you out, and leaned a row of lockers as you high-fived a plump, rosy-cheeked girl with curly hair, and hugged a girl with deep brown skin and clever dark eyes, whose hair was done in a tight braid till her hips.

She decided she’d play a small game with you.

She sauntered over to you and the other two girls with a pleasant smile on her face, masking her cunning thoughts perfectly.

“Y/n Brekker, wasn’t it?” She asked, tapping you on the shoulder.

You turned around, and smiled slightly at her, replying, “Yes, indeed. Zoya, was it?”

She extended a hand for you to shake. “Zoya Nazyalensky. Lovely to meet you.”

You took her hand and shook it firmly, the way your brother had taught you, your e/c eyes fixed on hers, irises unmoving. Truth be told, Zoya didn’t know wether to be intimidated or turned on.

Little bit of both, maybe?

Focus, Zoya. She chided herself.

“Who are these two?” She asked, looking at your two other friends over your shoulder.

“Inej Ghafa,” said the dark-eyed girl with a curt nod. “Pleasure.”

“Nina Zenik,” smiled the rosy-cheeked girl, “It’s lovely to make your acquaintance.”

“I’d suggest you stay careful of who you decide to make your enemies, Y/n,” said Zoya slyly. “Just so you know.“

Confused, you smiled an upside-down smile, replying awkwardly, “Okay, then…thanks?”

She winked at you and turned around, waving her hand over her shoulder to bid you goodbye.

You were too confused for processing her statement, and you definitely knew you had a thing for that wink. It was a cocky wink, one which conveyed she was self-confident and she knew it.

“I need Kaz,” you said, running a hand through your hair, eyes widening as you turned your gaze to the floor.

Zoya was unpleasant and you knew it. She had this passive aggressiveness which you’d detected the second you walked into class. She was cocky in a way which pissed you off, and now you identified her as competition.

Just like her, you hated competition. And Zoya was competition.

And you didn’t like to lose.

———

Academic rivals to lovers, I’m so excited! Please request ideas if you’d like! And should you want to be in a tag list, let me know!

[bybdolan]

uhhh i cant wait for a complete post of your thoughts when you've had time to think about it, im sad it doesnt fit the vibe of the photoshoot and its ok and im going to listen to the album bc it sounds like taylors previous work which i like but im sick of the same production on every track and its not even good, that synth rythm at the end of the anti-hero chorus is giving me ptsd its like every taylor swift song is starting to sound like that

ok i can finally answer this a bit more thouroughly after having sat with the album for a few days. I think my initial reaction was much more negative than my views on the album are now, simply because I also expected something different and was taken aback by what we ended up getting. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of reputation: in my perception of it, in its sound, and in the themes that are being explored. Ultimately, Midnights is the better reputation: it deals with themes of fame and "finding love through all the noise" MUCH better than the 2017 album did, likely because Taylor now has the removal and strong footing to really Get Into a lot of shit (and her own insecurities) without constantly being worried about how she will be perceived. Some tracks on Midnights are what I always wanted to hear from her fame-wise, as exemplified by how many beats from this playlist get hit, so all in all I do appreciate a lot about the album. It's also just... fun to listen to, I want to dance around my room to many of the tracks which I dig. Unfortunately, this is not all it takes for me to be head over heels for an album, and Midnights kind of disappointed me on the songwriting front. This is me complaining on an incredibly high level because Taylor is That Good, but there were almost no lyrics that stood out to me upon first listen. It is exactly the same feeling reputation has given me upon first listen, where I sat around wondering when a lyric would really GRAB me the way many of the lines on Speak Now or Red did. I appreciate the humor and Taylor's delivery of the lyrics is arguably the best part of the album, but I feel a bit dissatisfied with some of the metaphors or literary devices on here. Negative examples are "Your eyes are flying saucers from another dimension", "Cat eye sharp enough to kill a man" (shut up...), "I miss you but I miss sparkeling", "the sand hurts my feelings" (i actually love where she was going with this and think it should have been more refined because it doesn't land). And a lot of the songs are also just... There. They don't do anything for me. Which kind of is the worst crime an album can commit. I like Jack, but there is truth to the fact that he only ever is experimental on his own albums and gives the girls he works with very little breathing room. When listening to Midnights, I feel like the music is just. There as a backdrop to the lyrics and very rarely adds something to the overall feeling of the song. And when the lyrics by themselves are not that strong... That's not great. I would argue that Midnights has better lines than 1989, but 1989 felt like a symbiosis of production and lyrics, where each perfectly supported the other, and Midnights doesn't give me the same feeling. It feels a tad rushed. I say all of this and will most likely still stream the fuck out of the album, but I won't consider it a Great Work in the process of doing so. I simply love dancing around to a silly pop song.

[vitaminwaterreviews]

Wendy - Wish You Hell

Hmmmmm. I don’t really know what to think. The title track did one thing and then the B-sides all did not do that thing. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though. I enjoyed every song, even the slow jam, and actually in hindsight I think it’s wrong to classify it as a slow jam. It was more of … I dunno, a contemporary ballad or something like that? Like … I dunno. But I will say, this album contained things that I did not expect, and I heard things that I haven’t heard before, and that’s always a good thing.

I kinda want to listen to her first mini now to compare. Not tonight, I don’t have the time. But maybe tomorrow I’ll do that. Average score of 7.8, maybe a tad low, but close enough. Good album, definitely recommend.

- Wish You Hell

Oh okay we’re going full artsy here

Mmmmm the colors though in this intro scene

Haha okay, pop rock moment? Nice

Ohhhh no, “I wish you hell / I don’t wish you well” that’s an awful rhyme oml

I like her voice

Maybe that’s not the most controversial opinion lol

Those sure are some glittery trash bags

Thunder?

I’m confused by that scene but okay

Oh my god she spelled out “H E L L” I’m sobbing

I really don’t know what to rate this

8/10 for the MV I guess

His Car Isn’t Yours

What instrument is this?

It feels electric piano but it’s very … plucky

Oh it’s all English

It’s so interesting how hearing English singing totally changes my perception of their voice

This feels so Taylor Swift like wow

Wait I wasn’t listening to the lyrics, let me go find the lyrics

Oh okay, this is actually like, kinda sad, very simple but very pretty

8/10, but a high 8, kinda to balance out the previous one let’s say

Best Ever

Boop boop boop boop

Woah her voice is so high and cute like wtf

Nice, nice, funky

I love this post-chorus

Here’s this song: a great post-chorus, and then a bunch of exposition in between

Kinda like Unnatural and its pre-chorus lol

Mmmmm the bridge tho

Lol this is actually so fucking cute

9/10

Better Judgment

Two wildly different styles of guitar here

The b-sides all feel Newjeans effect but honestly I don’t care bc it’s Wendy and she’s just so good

7/10, good but didn’t do anything really special to me

Queen of the Party

…Everglow - Make Me Feel vibes??

Yeah oh my god I thought it was just the pre-chorus but the chorus too

I like what they’ve set up but I want this song to go somewhere

Like if it just sits here the whole time then idk

This bridge feels lowkey generic

Awwww the last chorus does Not deliver

Wait … I mean maybe a bit, but I want more

7/10

Vermillion

Okay now I’m expecting a ballad, let’s get it

Mkay, this could be ballady

Yep here’s the slow jam drums

This bass is Thicc

I don’t get this

I think I like this?

I like the bridge with that sample

Yeah okay, I buy it

8/10

[ne-spivay-ranenko]

Jukebox January: Day 4, and 5, and 6... and 7... and 8 and 9 too...

the original post tag of all my posts

So, I fell victim to the classic "I got distracted and missed one day... so now I'll just do two the next day... but that's overwhelming so maybe I'll wait until the weekend... and then somehow now it's the 9th and I missed doing a whole bunch of days that I really had great songs for." So I'm doing it all now. At once. But in a smaller format: no links, and I'll only write paragraphs for the ones that I have a lot to say about. Then I can feel good about catching up!

On to D, E, F, G, H, I:

Demoni - Joker Out My soundtrack of 2023. The song that changed my year by making me fall in love with the music of five shagadelic Slovenians. The first Joker Out song I listened to when I wanted to check out more music from Eurovision artists, and I was hooked. Seriously, this song creates such an atmosphere that I had to listen to it over and over and over. I think it's that the beat kind of reminds me of a heartbeat? Like when you're alone and it's very quiet and all you can hear is your own heartbeat. Which does feel a bit like you're alone with your demons...

Democracy - Leonard Cohen Released in 1992, but sounds almost like it could have been written in 2020. I listened to this song a lot that year, and it captures America so well, all about the irony of the struggle for democracy in a country that's theoretically based on democracy. I could say a lot about this song, and maybe I'll come back to this later and write more, because every line has something I could say about the connections between 1992 and 2020.

Dear Dictator - Saint Motel All I have to say here: "It's not too late to say you're sorry, but it's too late to truly mean it" is one of my favorite lyrics ever, never have I heard it said so well, how I feel about people who have done unforgivable things.

Dzeguzes balss - Carnival Youth A cover of a song from a Latvian movie from several decades ago, and while I admit I don't know the whole context of the movie, the song's lyrics are so, so good. No matter what, the voice of the cuckoo can't be stopped: "Mēs to norakām bedrē, sirds stūrī/Bet, kad mazliet atlaidās sals/Tad kā naiva narcise izlīda/Dzeguzes balss!"

Dead Star - Muse

Do I Wanna Know? - Arctic Monkeys

DESTROYA - My Chemical Romance For one of my favorite lines ever: "with blood they wash in money", and for how much I love the overlapping vocal parts in the end.

Dear Jealousy - MIKA

Dīvainas Parādības - Embark I have to plug this band because I'm one degree of separation away from the ex-drummer. So, check them out!

Eternally Missed - Muse Too good of a song to be buried as a B-side forever, the guitar effects in this building up the tension are amazing, and the emotion just pouring from Matt's voice.

Eve of Agnes - XIXA and Imarhan

Eyes - Sudden Lights

Enjoy the Silence - Depeche Mode

Ero s onoga svijeta - Let 3 I always love crazy Eurovision acts because they almost always have a serious meaning buried underneath the music. When I got to learn about Let 3's long history of saying "fuck you" to fascism and the background of this song (taken from the most famous Croatian opera), that's what made me love them most of all.

Fifty Years After the Fair - Aimee Mann So, this is again a song of some really specific interest of mine, and this is from a time in my teens when I had a fascination with the 1939 World's Fair. And the song is all about how the fair was showing such a bright future and then--WW2 in Europe broke out while the fair was still going on. "How beautiful it was, tomorrow" is the line that breaks my heart every time.

Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance

Fallout Shelter - Mike and Bernie Winters Another one of those Fallout-game-vibe songs that I love so much.

Figure It Out - Duncan Laurence I don't actually listen to Duncan much, but this one is important to me because it's the one that @sorrelink sends to me when I'm anxious about the future.

Friction - Imagine Dragons I know this band is much-maligned for making empty stomp-clap stadium music, but their second album is really, really good and has some incredible lyrics. This one in particular I remember listening to a lot in my last year of high school when I was feeling a lot of pressure to succeed and stressing about it.

Fitter Happier - Radiohead Less of a song and more of an interlude on the album. I just used to listen to OK Computer a lot in my teens and this is what I always think of with that album.

Gennifer Flowers - Fever Dolls

Give Me The Future - Bastille

God Knows I Tried - Lana Del Rey Another artist I don't listen to much anymore but who I listened to a lot in the past. To me she does satire of America amazingly, but at the same time doesn't seem self-aware of it, but it also might just be an act of her stage persona? Anyway, this song is a favorite of mine just for how this line makes me feel: "Put on that Hotel California, dance around like I'm insane/I feel free when I see no one and nobody knows my name"

Ghost Lights - Woodkid

Gladiator - Jann

Hysteria - Muse One of the best songs ever, and I know I'm biased because I love Muse, but: The legendary bassline. The way the guitar solo builds all this tension and then explodes out. "I'm not breaking down, I'm breaking out." 1000/10, if you don't know this song you need to.

Hooked on Radiation - Atomizer Sometimes Spotify gives you some random song from 2003 and it's really good?

Haemoglobin - Placebo

H.S. - Tom Cardy The most inspirational comedy song ever. Like, it's meant to be funny but it also makes me feel so much better about myself. Also it's about space.

Home - Dotan

In corpore sano - Konstrakta Every single time I look at the lyrics of this song (or someone's analysis of the song) I get more and more layers of meaning. This whole song is literally an art piece, she is so good at seeing social issues and writing about them in a way that packs so much into a 3 minute song. And as someone who has a lot of health related anxiety -- "a sick mind in a healthy body" is all too real of an experience for me.

Izbēgšana - Sudden Lights

I Appear Missing - Queens of the Stone Age

Istanbul (Not Constantinople) - They Might Be Giants Could not resist adding this. If you don't know it, you need to. Why did Constantinople get the works?

In the Year 2525 - Zager and Evans A classic in the "looking at the future from the 1960s" genre I love so much.

I Am Not a Robot - MARINA (Marina and the Diamonds) An important reminder to me, someone who struggles a lot with being a people-pleaser: better to be hated than loved for what I'm not.

[wesawbears]

Secret World & Inkpot Gods for questions 1-10 honestly if you want, I'm so curious and always desperate to hear what people think of this album honestly

Secret Worlds:

What was your first impression of this song (and has it changed)? I remember being really into the vibe and loving Joey's little growls. I definitely like it more than I did on first listen (not because I didn't, but because I liked other songs more)

How does this song make you feel? It definitely makes me feel jazzed! It doesn’t make me as feral as other songs on the album, but it makes me excited for the album to come. Anticipatory, I’d say.

How much do you listen to this song? I listen to it whenever I play their full discography. I don’t choose it on it’s own very often.

What’s your favorite lyrical part of the song? “Write me well, my love, write me weird Write me willing, write me well”

What’s your favorite instrumental part of the song? The part at the end where it leads perfectly into The Calling

What stories or characters (or even real people) are connected to this song in your mind? I mean, I was always think of the Witcher when I play Amazing Devil. I also weirdly think of Kaz/Inej from Six of Crows?

What other TAD songs do you associate with this song? ummmm I don’t think any really? Maybe Wild Blue Yonder for the castle imagery?

Do you visualize any colors, images, or scenes when listening to this song? I see fall colors, forests, oranges and browns

What kind of playlists do you put this song in (if you do)? I don’t really. Though I will say I play Amazing Devil when I write emotionally complicated fic

When recommending this song to other people, how would you describe it? Feral forest god energy

Inkpot Gods:

What was your first impression of this song (and has it changed)? I actually didn’t like this song when it first came out! Or maybe disliked is the wrong word, but the end was too emotionally raw for me to listen. Now it’s one of my favorites on the album

How does this song make you feel? This song makes me INSANE. Like, it’s all the shit I love. Loyalty beyond reason. Making bargains for love. UGH

How much do you listen to this song? A....lot

What’s your favorite lyrical part of the song? And to those gods I will speak bluntly We’ve an accord If you ever touch or harm him Please rest assured That you might not fear a man But to a woman by the end you’ll kneel and plea 'Cause I'm more than what my mum told me to be

What’s your favorite instrumental part of the song? I am bad at paying attention to instrumentals in this song, I’m too busy going mental

What stories or characters (or even real people) are connected to this song in your mind? MERTHUR.

What other TAD songs do you associate with this song? Ummmmm idk? Maybe Battle Cries?

Do you visualize any colors, images, or scenes when listening to this song? Not really? I am not a super visual person

What kind of playlists do you put this song in (if you do)? I don’t really make themed playlists, so, same answer as above

When recommending this song to other people, how would you describe it? If you love longing, faintly medieval imagery and having your guts ripped out, here’s a song for you!

Thanks!!

[betterbekind]

1-10 for the calling?

Oooooo The Calling is like my 2nd favorite on this album lets goooo. I also just want to preface this with the fact that I cannot be normal about The Amazing Devils and in general I'm just having a Nor Normal day due to the remaster Oh Hellos album so apologies in advance however I am so excited so I'm not actually that sorry.

What was your first impression of this song (and has it changed)?

My very first impression is that this song is really fucking intense and that has no changed in the least. If anything it has just compounded honestly.

How does this song make you feel?

Genuinely and honestly a little feral. When that fox howls, yeah I howl with it. The lyrics, the building instrumentals, the way I start to vibrate during the last chorus of "Shoulder the sky.' Like genuinely just makes me lose it a little.

How much do you listen to this song?

Not at much anymore, if just because this album has fallen out of my daily rotation but I think it's time for me to bring it back honestly.

What’s your favorite lyrical part of the song?

Okay it's time for an essay actually remember how I said I cannot be normal about this

"Back then I was dauntless / And dawn could never know / And my weakness made me weep less / Than I would ever show you"

Don't know what it is but the way the words do the thing with "dauntless / dawn" and "weakness / weep less" makes me Lose It already

I know "We are both unwanted daughters" is the most popular line from this song and its because it slaps

"Shoulder the sky" -- the Atlas motif will never not get me okay

"And I close them, I close them, I close my eyes" the way this line builds is so safhjksafhjskahfjksalf

"In the waters I see a face I don’t want look back" the way this mirrors "And see a face I don’t understand" from earlier in the song absolutely guts me

"I tried I really fucking tried" I just-- the fucking agony in this line for all it's incredibly simplistic just goes for the fucking throat

Overall this song plays a lot with narrative and repetitions and I'm a hoe for it like completely and utterly

What’s your favorite instrumental part of the song?

Whatever is happening whenever they line "Who's this?" (Who are you?)

Also whatever is happening at the very end because fuck me it's so beautiful and literally makes me remember like the way it builds and builds and builds before that final slow fade

What stories or characters (or even real people) are connected to this song in your mind?

The song is one that was actually very important to the beginning character work for an important NPC for the DND campaign I run which is very funny because when my girlfriend started building her player's playlist The Calling was also added, and the NPC is actually her character's love interest so I think that unintentional parallel is very fun

No this NPC is not normal or doing well, why do you ask?

What other TAD songs do you associate with this song?

Not at first, but after thinking about this question I think the energy really matches with The Unwanted Animal and I'm not sure why

Do you visualize any colors, images, or scenes when listening to this song?

So much intense water energy whenever I listen to this song like it sounds like a downpour or a tidal wave crashing down

What kind of playlists do you put this song in (if you do)?

So this is on one NPCs playlist, but it's also on my overall spooky autumn vibes playlist and my writing playlist for my novel

When recommending this song to other people, how would you describe it?

I cannot recommend music normally so I just kind of start with "this song makes me feel like I remember I have skin" and go from there if I'm being honest

[babyboibucky]

Obvious

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and Bucky are more than friends but less than lovers.

Word Count: 1,700

Warnings: slight angst??? mention of injury???

A/N: Inspired by Ariana Grande’s “obvious” because I fucking love that song lmfao. Let me know if anyone wants to be included in my Bucky Barnes tag list! Will do separate tag lists for everything Bucky and Babysitting Bucky. Feedback is highly appreciated!

MAIN MASTERLIST

---

You and Bucky weren’t lovers, no. But you were definitely not just friends either.

There were kisses early in the morning, while both of you were cuddled in bed basking in the warmth of the sunlight spilling through the thin curtains; soft and subtle touches in the afternoon as the two of you navigated through the kitchen in an attempt to bake together. Slow touches late at night, cold metal fingers grazing you in just the right places that made you feel like on fire. And the exchange of whispers in the wee hours of night after coming down from the high of exploring each other’s bodies, uttered so softly, words meant only for each other to hear.

More than friends indeed, less than lovers? Maybe. Maybe not. Does it matter though? Because even without the words of affirmation, you loved Bucky and was sure that he loved you just as much.

Besides, you were obviously head over heels for the soldier. Not that you were denying or hiding it, in fact, you felt like you showed it a tad bit too much.

“Leaving so soon, soldier?” You’d asked with a pout as you watched Bucky leave your side on the bed.

“Duty calls.” He told you as he began to dress up.

Noticing your frown, he chuckled and approached you on the bed, bending down to press a kiss on your forehead.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He reassured you, smoothening out the crease on your forehead with his thumb.

“But I wanna cook you dinner.” You told him.

The thought of you and Bucky spending a domesticated evening together always elated you. You loved daydreaming about it, about sharing a life with your super soldier. Him coming home after a mission and you making sure to take good care of him. Maybe run him a bath while you prepared dinner. Silly, it seemed but you couldn’t help imagining all the possibilities with Bucky. Letting him sleep in on Sundays while you go on a jog, only to come back home with pancakes and bacons waiting for you in the kitchen. And Bucky of course, fresh out of bed with his hair sticking up in different directions.

Being with an Avenger of course, made it difficult to experience all these things. Sometimes you’d wake up alone but Bucky always made sure to leave you a little note.

I’ll be back soon, beautiful.

His notes found a home in one of your drawers. There were plenty and although these notes symbolized his absence on most days, they also meant promises. Promises to make it up for the lost time, promises that were never broken nor forgotten.

Dinner dates were often postponed, sleepovers a rare occurrence— spending time together in general, wasn’t as easy as it was for other couples out there.

But that’s okay. Because you’d always wait for Bucky. You’d wait for him to come home and even if it’d take him three days, one week, two months or even a year, you’d still wait and welcome him with hugs and kisses and affectionate whispers.

Sometimes you wondered whether Bucky knew how much you loved him.

Disagreements were of course, unavoidable even between you and Bucky. Oftentimes, the arguments would stem from his carelessness and selfless decisions during missions. Your super soldier, always so giving and generous and kind. You couldn’t care less about what others thought of him and his days under the influence of monsters. The moment you knew you loved Bucky, you had already accepted him. And that included his demons and dark days too.

To you, Bucky had always been kind and put others first before himself. Sometimes a little too much that you couldn’t help but feel hurt that he didn’t seem to care how you’d feel if ever he wouldn’t make it home.

If Sam hadn’t called you that night, you wouldn’t have known about the serious injury inflicted on Bucky while on a mission.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You asked as soon as you barged into the medical bay, ignoring the nurse who immediately scrambled out of the room.

Bucky laid in bed, bruised and wrecked and unable to respond upon seeing you seething with anger for the first time ever.

“Were you even planning to tell me in the first place?” You scoffed.

They needed to infiltrate another Hydra base. Raid the base, get all possible information and blow it up to ashes. But then Bucky found a secret basement at the very last minute, young women and men were kept— future Winter Soldiers. The serum hadn’t been injected into their systems yet, they were merely poor teenagers in captivity. Bucky knew he couldn’t let these young people suffer the same fate as him. With barely a minute left before the bomb was set to explode, Bucky did his best to save everyone in that basement.

Never mind the Falcon’s orders to abort his mission, never mind the back-up they had called for to help them out. Bucky knew the choices he had: walk away unscathed knowing that the back-up wouldn’t arrive in time to save the children, or stay behind and do his best to make sure that no one will become another toy for Hydra to play with.

Even if it meant risking his life, even if it meant leaving you back home unaware of his fate.

“They needed me. I couldn’t just leave them behind.” Bucky explained.

“And you didn’t think I needed you too?” You asked, eyes rimmed with tears.

God, you knew you were selfish for feeling hurt but you couldn’t help it. Did it not cross Bucky’s mind that if he had died, you’d be left behind too? Did you not cross his mind during that time?

“Look, I understand what the superhero life is all about. And I know that it’s fucking selfish of me to say this but...Bucky, I need you too. As much as the world does.”

It was a conversation that you and Bucky had many times now. But with how your love grew for him with each passing second, the thought of losing him, it had become too much for you to suppress.

Waking up without his little notes of reassurance that he’d be back soon, no more cold fingers tracing against the smooth expanse of your skin and having to sleep knowing that the next day, Bucky wouldn’t be there anymore— just the mere thought of losing him broke your heart.

“I can’t...” you breathed out, “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, Buck.” You admitted with a shaky sigh as your tears continued to fall.

Bucky wanted to get up and pull you to an embrace, but he was too injured to do so. How we wanted to kiss your tears away, all he could do was extend a hand towards you, inviting you to come closer and touch him.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled. “I should have told you, I’m sorry. C’mere.”

Despite your anger, you didn’t think twice and immediately went to hold Bucky’s hand, squeezing it tightly as if you were trying to make sure that he was fine and real and that you didn’t lose him.

“Please stop being so reckless. With how much I love you, it drives me crazy whenever you come home all wounded and bloody and now—“

“You love me?”

Bucky had asked the question as if he couldn’t believe that yes, you do love him. Sam really wasn’t kidding when he said how dense Bucky was.

“Is it not obvious?” You asked, wiping away your tears.

“I mean yeah but...I just didn’t want to assume that you do because we never really talked about it.” He explained, rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb.

His metal fingers, although cold and hard against your skin, had always been your favorite. They were gentle when they needed to be, or at least whenever Bucky touched you. They were cold and made you shiver but always in a good way.

“Bucky, I’ve talked about wanting a future with you. You still didn’t think that that was love?” There was a hint of playfulness in your tone despite your deadpan expression.

Oh no, what if you interpreted everything the wrong way?

“Do you not...oh my god, Bucky am I the only one in love?” You asked, panicked.

“Oh god, no.” Bucky immediately clarified as he pulled you to sit down on the bed beside him.

“I love you. So much. Please don’t think otherwise.” He said, cupping your face and wiping away the remnants of your tears.

A smile followed by a quick peck on the lips. Bucky moved and gave you enough space to lay down beside him on the hospital bed. Suddenly, everything felt right. Not that it wasn’t before but with the both of you finally uttering those words, it felt different.

The perfect kind of different.

You laid your head against Bucky’s chest and listened to his heartbeat as his hand rubbed comforting circles on your back. You can’t imagine a life without being this close to him, your super soldier.

“I thought of you, you know.” His chest rumbled as he spoke.

You lifted your head up to look at him in confusion. He smiled at you lovingly, “During the mission. Every mission I go to actually, I thought of you.”

Bucky thought about how you always waited for his return no matter how long he took. He imagined what you’d be doing when he’d come back, would you still be asleep? Perhaps you’d be in the shower, singing. Bucky thought about how he’d kiss you as soon as he comes home, how he’d make you feel how much he missed you and your scent, how your smooth skin felt against his.

Every single time, Bucky thought about coming home to you. It was his motivation to stay alive no matter what. He knew you needed him as much as the world does.

Because he needed you just the same.

More than friends, indeed. Less than lovers? No, you and Bucky were more than that.

You were each other’s worlds.

[hindisoup]

15 week Hindi learning review

This is how I've been practicing Hindi during the past 15 weeks:

Writing (15 out of 15 weeks)

I've kept up with writing my video scripts weekly, even if this was the first week since last July I wasn't able to upload a new video on a Monday. The fun thing I've noticed is, that when I still occasionally use Google Translate when writing the first rough sketch of the script, I've started to write English sentences with Hindi structure to get the best results (eg. "to me seems that" > मुझे लगता है कि and so forth).

Listening (14 out of 15 weeks)

I've been listening to lots and lots of Hindi film songs again (falling in love especially with Dil ne yeh kaha hain dil se recently), and the audiobook of Devdas. I really like the reader's style and voice, it's so pleasant that I often listen to the audio multiple times during the week even without reading simultaneously. I'm already a bit sad that I'm halfway through the book and I have no idea where to find the next audio / physical book combo.

Speaking (12 out of 15 weeks)

I haven't been able to book a lesson with my iTalki tutor every week. In fact, I had to change a tutor for a while and that caused a small break too. I can notice some improvement in my spoken Hindi nonetheless. I've had more than one epiphanies regarding pronunciation (especially dental consonants) and I've finally understood the idea of Hindi intonation. It's still a work in progress to put that all into actual use in my speech though!

I've also noticed that I use some verb structures more readily. I still keep forgetting the ने and the genders of nouns when conjugating verbs, but I've been doing better with my archnemeses आना and जाना (always mixing them up!) and even using compound verbs when telling about my day ("मेरी गाड़ी बर्फ़ में फंस गई" - I was quite pleased when I just made up that sentence on a spot).

During these past weeks, I've talked in Hindi with a native speaker other than my tutor 7 times. I've realised though, that my time and energy are both limited and at the moment I cannot commit to making any set plans with any language partners for audio or video calls.

Reading (12 out of 15 weeks)

I've been reading Devdas more or less every week ever since I got my hands on it. I'm taking my time with it and really enjoying the journey!

On two or three occasions I read Akbar-Birbal stories with my Hindi tutor. It was a lot of fun. Actually, I started reading these stories for the first time before I could join a full sentence together in Hindi - so it was slow and tedious at first, but I really like these short and clever stories. It was nice to notice my development, I could actually understand the majority of the stories without stopping to translate every second word AND I was able to read Devanagari out loud.

Grammar (7 out of 15 weeks)

Like I posted some time ago, I finally finished my very first Hindi grammar book, Rupert Snell's Get Started in Hindi. It was the very first Hindi book I ever got ahead of my very first Hindi beginner course, so finishing it was just a tiny bit sentimental even. I was quite pleased to notice that I've progressed in my grammar and reading skills in such a way in just a tad over a year, that I had no trouble finishing the final exercises. One down, a pile to go!

I've also used Duolingo on 7 out of 15 weeks just to revise.

Watching (5 out of 15 weeks)

This time I've only watched a few films, and the two final episodes of Mismatched. I did add some series to my Netflix list but haven't gotten around to watching anything new yet. Why is it, that when you finally have the moment to watch whatever you'd like, it's so much more comfortable to see Main Hoon Na for the sixth time than something you've never seen before?