#it’s close enough I can see my family and friend regularly! cost of living is super low!

[ina-nis]

I don’t remember where exactly I read it but a few days ago I saw a post or article talking about socialization and your usual advice, etc... and something was striking for me, and I noticed that was one of the common elements in all my issues with disconnection.

Yes, absolutely, I have peers and friends in several communities and I still consider these relationships superficial at best. I don’t have any close friends or close family anymore, or anyone I can trust. I see my roommates, family, doctors, therapist and any other people I see/seen regularly from a distance, the respect is mutual, but there’s not any deep connection whatsoever.

All these people exist in their contained spaces and, very, very rarely, things do bleed elsewhere.

One of the issues I’ve hit my head against the most when trying to approach people and keep a close relationship with them was the fact that I feel like I could not “seep” into their lives.

For example, I always dealt with them prioritizing their careers/jobs - understandably so, there’s bills to pay, food to buy and whatever else that costs money - and when they did have time, they were too tired to socialize. But, they did socialize with people already in their lives, their families, their partners, their friends who live nearer, and so on... so I was left with whatever else they had, with whatever energy they still had and, or course, it was not much.

This was just one example, there’s many.

I noticed and I can see now that there was always something, and the connection would never get far because I’d have to jump through so many hops to, maybe, be able to be there for them. It was not worth it because of how one-sided it always felt.

What really hurts is the fact that, because I don’t really have much going on I guess, it was not interesting enough for others to try to “seep” into my life themselves.

I felt like it was always me who had to take the first step.

I felt like it was always me who had to go there and make it happen.

Because I’m like a blank slate - it’s “easier” when you don’t have a career or a job, or friends, or family, or... anything really. You’re fluid like water, you can do anything, you can change constantly and you can fit with ease.

Obviously, that only made things one-sided.

Perhaps, I’m in this perpetual blank slate due to AvPD and the “cure” would be to become someone like them (and then I would be a blank slate no more).

The disconnection also comes from an unsaid competition against whatever other people have going on in their lives, that I have no chance of winning.

To make matters worse, being a “blank slate” isn’t exactly great after all: there’s not much for people to “seep” into - in my case, it’s a lot virtual and solitary things.

I guess I come with this neon sign saying “I do not need people in my life” that others probably catch on quickly - it’s true, I really don’t need other people - and that all might drive people away too. Either that or being in the role of a helper/therapist/mediator/teacher/parent, which is awful as well.

In the end (I feel like) my gaming buddies will remain gaming buddies, same with the Tumblr mutuals, the writing friends, the artists, the queer people in the local queer org, and so and so...there’s really not a lot I can do, I don’t think.

The relationships will exist perpetually in these enclosed spaces and won’t bleed elsewhere. When that does happen, I learn quickly that people don’t really have the time or energy to dedicate to “new” connections (even if we know each other for years).

You can move your world for them, because your world comes with you, you have no roots anywhere anyway, but they’re unable to do the same for you, you have to fit in their lives, you have to fit in their schedule, you have to be there in whatever way fits their lives best, whenever they have the energy or time.

And you can’t complain.

You can’t ask for more - if it’s so bad for you, you can just leave, meaning... there’s not really much space for you in the way you want.

It’s always the way they want.

If you ask for compromises, if you state your needs, if you disclose how your personality disorder affects you and the way you interact with others, you “need to take that to therapy” and you’re really asking too much, who has the time for that?

Who has the time for you? That’s so selfish of you! What about their needs, what about their compromises and mental illnesses?

You should make time for them, not otherwise. You have a lot of free time anyway, don’t you?

...

How frustrating...

Even though I’ve been putting a lot of effort in have more going on for me, it still happens in isolation. It’s still things that I do in solitude and require little or no money. It’s mostly things online too.

Maybe somewhere in my heart I always try to keep mindful of making space for others, despite it all...

Because to me, the relationships with other people in my life would be a priority. Not a job nor anything else: people.

That’s why I can understand why others do it this way.

And it’s what makes it all the more painful: because I’m not considered for that. I always feel like a backup plan, always feel like a convenience, always feel like an addition to something already established.

I’m never standalone, there’s never someone looking me in the eye and picking me because they want me. There’s always a catch. Of course that rarely happened, and now it never does anyway.

I don’t know what to do, but at least I managed to articulate these feelings better. I hope, maybe, something will come out of it...

[captainshakespear]

.

[heyiwrotesomethings]

Afraid to Love Again

Lady Tamayo x They/Them Reader

A/N: Heyooo. Tamayo is great, but I kind of struggle writing her. I tried anyway though because I love this demon doctor lady. Be prepared for sickness, death and a dash of angst. There is a happy ending though (my delicate heart wouldn’t be able to take it if there wasn’t)!  Also, it’s kinda a reincarnation/ soulmate kind of deal but I didn’t really develop that angle too much. And I can’t remember how much of Tamayo’s backstory was discussed in the manga vs the anime so just a heads up on that. It’s not super spoilery or anything (I think you could guess how that went) but just in case I thought I’d let y’all know. Hope you enjoy! Word Count: 6,939

The village had fallen on hard times. Work was scarce, poverty and disease was rampant. Over the past several months, (Y/n) had seen many family, friends and neighbors fall ill and never rise again. Those who had the strength to leave did, and many offered passage to (Y/n) as well. Though they were thankful for the offers of sanctuary, (Y/n) remained in their family home. They converted it into a makeshift hospital and began caring for the people who no longer could take care of themselves.

There were no doctors in their little village. The nearest, (Y/n) heard was days away. They couldn’t risk leaving all of these sick souls without someone to look after them, they would surely be dead before they could get back. If these people, their people, were going to die either way, they wanted to be there to make the process as easy as possible.

(Y/n) had seen more death and sickness than most. They had almost forgotten what it was like to truly live.

“(Y/n)-san?”

(Y/n) paused their movements wiping sweat from an old woman’s body, and turned to the cot behind them.

“Yes, Ichiro?” (Y/n) smiled kindly, though their eyes reflected just how tired they were.

“I don’t feel so good.” The young child coughed harshly.

“I know, I’m sorry. Let me get you some water.”

(Y/n) quickly finished bathing the old woman left behind by her family and tucked her in. (Y/n) suspected she’d be dead before the next morning. The rattling, gurgling breaths were just about the only sign that she wasn’t already gone.

(Y/n) put the rag in a basket to be washed for later, then they retrieved some water for the sick boy. They made their way through the sea of moaning people waiting for death, checking in with the more lucid villagers as they went.

(Y/n) was caring for thirty-seven people in their ancestral home and they did so alone. Any healthy people that remained in the village avoided the plagued building at all costs. It was hard work, keeping all of these people as comfortable as they could. But compared to the seventy people they had started with during those first weeks of winter, it was much more manageable.

“Here you go, drink as much as you can.” (Y/n) spoke softly, helping the boy sit up to receive it.

He took a few sips before spluttering, excess water slipped down his chin. He sniffed and held his throat, curling back into himself.

(Y/n) skimmed their hand over Ichiro’s burning forehead and watched him struggle forlornly.

How much longer would they all have to live in this hell?

(Y/n)’s question, however rhetoric, was answered the next night.

(Y/n) groaned between blinks of sleep. They had fallen asleep while standing, again. The noise that so rudely awakened them sounded like someone was rattling the door of the main entrance.

Who could it be at this hour? Weary travelers? Surely they had a fair choice in vacated homes already. No matter, (Y/n) figured once they caught the full blast of the smell of death permeating the air they would retreat quickly enough.

They approached the door sliding it open with little preamble. Even if the smell wasn’t enough to deter the unwanted guests, surely the look of utter despair (Y/n) wore would scare them off.

“I’m afraid if you came searching for lodging, I cannot take you.” (Y/n) spoke, barely perceiving the two people before them. “There are, however, many empty homes you have passed by that you are more than welcome to help yourselves too. I would recommend to be on your way quickly, sickness is rampant here.”

“That is why I’ve come.”

(Y/n) allowed themself a puzzled face, finally looking at the woman and her stern looking companion more carefully, taking in the delicate beauty of the stranger before them.

“I’m a doctor.”

(Y/n) suddenly felt more awake, staring at the woman with unrestrained hope and awe.

“Really?” They whispered, as if afraid this was all just a dream or a sleep deprived hallucination.

“Are you doubting her?” The young man spoke up sharply.

“Yushirou.” The woman warned, leveling a look at her companion that immediately shut him back up. The woman turned back to (Y/n). The soft, empathetic look in her eyes made (Y/n) feel weak. The softness of her voice as she addressed (Y/n) again made them feel fragile, all the while they shook like a leaf.

“Allow me to evaluate your sick. I’ll do everything I can.”

“Please,” (Y/n) nodded, making room for the pair to enter their home turned sick ward, “even in my wildest dreams I never thought anyone would actually come for us. I’ve tried so hard to save these people, but I am no doctor.”

The woman came forward, gingerly taking (Y/n)’s shaking hands in her own. (Y/n) noted how cold they were but still held on to the offered hands like a lifeline.

“You’ve done well with what you have, your kindness is immeasurable. Sleep now, and leave the rest to us.”

“Who are you?” (Y/n) asked, suddenly feeling as if they were about to collapse. Just hearing those words was like a weight was dropped from their aching shoulders. The woman caught them before they could fall, the young man, Yushirou, let out a strangled noise of displeasure but stayed back.

“You may call me Tamayo.”

***

When (Y/n) awoke, it was still dark. They assumed they must have only slept a few hours. At least, they thought so until they noticed a crack of sunlight shining between the curtains.

(Y/n) held their head in their hands and grimaced. They couldn’t even remember the last time they had slept in their own bed before now. They didn’t even remember how they got there. They sighed. It didn’t matter, they needed to get up and see how everyone was doing. They had already been negligent long enough.

(Y/n) noticed as they walked through the halls that all the curtains were drawn. They found it odd. The curtains were always kept open regularly, (Y/n) couldn’t be bothered to deal with such minor details in the grand scheme of things and they wouldn’t start now. They left the curtains closed and continued on their way.

“What are you doing up already?”

(Y/n) turned, shocked at the clear and present voice. It had been a long time since they heard someone who sounded so strong and healthy. They turned and saw a grumpy boy staring sternly at them.

“Who are you?” (Y/n) asked, holding on to the wall as a dizzy spell passed through them.

“Tsk, get back to bed. You clearly aren’t well.” The boy said.

“Yushirou? Did you find any— oh, awake already? You should rest more.” (Y/n) turned back down the opposite side of the hall and saw the woman who had been in their restless dreams the night before.

“You’re... You’re real?” (Y/n) asked, mostly to themself, peering at the woman with blurred vision.

“Yes,” Tamayo smiled sadly approaching (Y/n), “you don’t need to worry anymore. Yushirou and I are taking care of things. Please, rest.”

“No, wait. I want to help. Please, teach me everything you know.” (Y/n) pleaded, sliding to their knees as they gave out.

“Like you could help anyone like this. You were already way past your limits before. Stay out of Lady Tamayo’s way.” Yushirou stated harshly.

“No need to speak in such a cold manner, Yushirou.” Tamayo scolded lightly before coming to kneel at (Y/n)’s side, rubbing their back. “How about this, you rest until you are back to full health, then you may observe my work. Is this acceptable?”

(Y/n) frowned, but nodded in agreement. “Yes, thank you.”

“Of course. Yushirou, help our host back to their room please.”

Yushirou readily complied, easily picking (Y/n) up and retiring them to their room.

“And stay there this time.” He grumbled.

(Y/n) fell back asleep almost immediately and when they awoke once more, another day had come and gone. They felt a lot better, just hungry. So they got up and made their way back down the hall to see what was left of the foraging they had done a couple days prior. Hopefully, Tamayo and Yushirou were well versed in the plant life of the area and got some more.

They stopped at the sick ward first to see how things were going. Yushirou wasn’t around, but (Y/n) saw Tamayo whispering to a sick man. Whatever she had asked him, he shook his head looking a tad uncomfortable. (Y/n) moved closer and Tamayo turned, like she could sense their presence and offered a tight smile.

“You look much better. How are you feeling?” She asked.

“As good as I can be. How have things been going here?”

“I apologize, we lost three while you slept.” Tamayo informed solemnly.

“You don’t need to apologize. It means the world to us that you care to try at all.” (Y/n) replied, sincerely. “I’m sure you’ve noticed we don’t have very much in value. Not many people would work like this for no incentive.”

“You must be one of them.” Tamayo’s eyes softened, “you could have left, but you stayed with them. You have a kind heart.”

“...Thank you.” (Y/n) rubbed the back of their neck and looked away, feeling heat gather around their cheeks.

“I just realized I don’t know your name.” Tamayo said. “How rude of me to not ask sooner.”

“It’s alright. I haven’t exactly been conscious most of the time you’ve been here.” (Y/n) let out a dry laugh, “I’m (Y/n).”

“Just (Y/n)?” Tamayo blinked.

“If I can call you Tamayo, please call me (Y/n).”

“Very well, (Y/n).” Tamayo smiled. “I have a few more people to visit with at the moment. Would you care to observe?”

“Yes, I—“ (Y/n) stomach growled before they could finish speaking, they held onto their gut, abashed.

“Oh, you haven’t eaten? You should have told me, we must keep you healthy. Come,” Tamayo guided (Y/n) to their own kitchen where Yushirou was watching over a boiling pot.

“Yushirou, when the broth is done give (Y/n) a bowl please.” Tamayo asked.

“I just finished it Tamayo-sama. I’ll get on it right now.”

(Y/n) slurped down the broth with vigor and thanked Yushirou profusely, making him blush and turn away. They fed the rest to the sick. (Y/n) had asked Tamayo and Yushirou why they hadn’t taken any for themselves to which Tamayo replied that they had already eaten not long before (Y/n) had woken up.

After a long day of absorbing any teachings Tamayo had to share, (Y/n) was sent back to bed for the night much to their dismay.

“But, I slept just recently! I can still help!” (Y/n) frowned as Tamayo ushered them back to their room.

“I don’t know if you remember this, but humans are supposed to go to sleep every night. Yushirou and I have everything under control.” Tamayo assured.

“You guys need to sleep sometime too you know.” (Y/n) retorted.

“Don’t worry, we rest in turns.” Tamayo spoke. (Y/n) couldn’t explain why, but they felt as if Tamayo was being a bit deceitful with her words. However, they let her be for now and went back to bed without anymore fuss.

When (Y/n) woke up the next morning, they were surprised to see that some of the people looked much better already. Of course they were still quite ill, but (Y/n) felt hopeful for them. Unfortunately, the man, Jiro, that (Y/n) had seen Tamayo talking to the day before had died sometime in the night. A few others seemed to be not far behind him in that aspect. Still, (Y/n) worked hard and learned everything they could about the medicines Tamayo crafted and how to distribute them.

“Tamayo?” (Y/n) asked one night before being sent back to bed by the motherly woman.

“Yes, (Y/n)?”

“I was just wondering... what made you come through here? Our village hasn’t had outsiders since last spring, if even then.”

“I was simply looking for somewhere quiet to practice my craft. We were passing through when we realized this village was a little, too quite.”

“Mm, yeah... well, you’re welcome to stay. You can even live here forever if you want, I don’t mind.”

“That’s a rather, bold, offer.” Tamayo replied after a short pause. It was then that (Y/n) realized how that may have sounded and got embarrassed.

“I mean, because— sorry if that was weird. I just, it’s nice having you and Yushirou-san around. I can tell your both good people, you know? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable!”

“You didn’t,” Tamayo had a far away look in her eye, but she still reached out to pat (Y/n)’s arm in a gesture of kindness, “I appreciate the sentiment, but it will be best for all of we take our leave once we are done here.”

“I see,” (Y/n) tried to keep the disappointment out of their voice, “we’ll just have to make the most out of the time we do have.”

“I suppose. If that is what you wish.”

Over the next several days (Y/n) noticed several odd little behaviors and happenings in their home. They went out one morning to gather certain plants and herbs for Tamayo and when the came back, they noticed a piece of paper with a strange symbol drawn on it that they had never seen before. They questioned Yushirou about it since he was the first one they saw upon returning.

Yushirou scoffed, saying it was a healing symbol and told (Y/n) under no uncertain terms that they shouldn’t look at it, much less even think about touching it. (Y/n) promised him they wouldn’t and backed away into the kitchen with their basket of herbs and a bead of nervous sweat running down their chin.

They also noticed how neither Tamayo or Yushirou appeared to ever eat or sleep when they were around. Even when (Y/n) made something as light as tea, they were refused by both travelers.

Another oddity was that Yushirou always yelled at (Y/n) for peeking through curtains to see if the sun was shining. For some reason, he and Lady Tamayo did not seem to be fond of the sun. Perhaps they were just light sensitive or burned easily. They both seemed to be very fair skinned. (Y/n) was often sent off alone on errands during the day as well. They didn’t complain though, they were happy to help in anyway they could, even if the doctor and her assistant were a bit odd.

Stranger yet was how Tamayo would speak so softly to the deathly ill who showed no signs of recovery. The soft lilt of Tamayo’s voice was not what (Y/n) found strange, they were quite enamored with its dreamlike quality. It was the soft urgency in which she spoke so quietly that always left (Y/n) curious. They only witnessed such events a few times, but they always had ended with the recipient of Tamayo’s whispered words dead mere hours later.

(Y/n) didn’t fault Tamayo for such coincidences. The good doctor probably knew who would die the second she entered the room that first night. (Y/n) figured she was just giving them some form of solace in their final hours to help them find peace.

It was one night where (Y/n) had woken up with a painful thirst for water when things became... complicated.

“We need to think about leaving soon, Tamayo-sama.” (Y/n) heard Yushirou speak as they neared the kitchen. “You have already gone past your limit of resistance by a few days.”

“I’ll be fine, Yushirou. Soon there will be a good handful of people who will have their strength back. (Y/n) still has much I can teach them... we mustn’t leave just yet.”

“The blood here is diseased and of poor quality, even if you could get some without anyone noticing, it would not be filling enough to do much good. Please my lady, let’s keep moving to the next city like we planned.” Yushirou stressed.

“I can’t Yushirou, not when these people need help that only I can adequately provide. I can go a little longer...”

(Y/n) stood still in the hall as they listened in. Tamayo needed blood? For what, a transfusion? They took a deep breath and entered the room.

“If you need blood—“

The air was suddenly knocked out of their lungs as Yushirou came forward with inhumane speed and knocked (Y/n) hard into the back wall.

“Spying? Why couldn’t you just keep your nose away from where it doesn’t belong!” Yushirou hissed, tightening his hold.

“Yushirou!” Tamayo warned, coming up behind him, willing him to loosen his grip, “don’t hurt them.”

Yushirou clicked his tongue in agitation and allowed (Y/n) to slide to the ground in a fit of gasps and coughs.

Tamayo knelt beside them and checked them over with a worried frown.

“I’m sorry, (Y/n). You aren’t hurt are you?”

(Y/n) took a moment to catch their breath before answering, “I, I don’t think so.” They coughed again, “Damn Yushirou, you are a lot tougher than you look!”

Yushirou growled, but upon seeing the stern look Tamayo leveled at him he backed off and looked away, almost sheepish. He looked more like a scolded guard dog than anything else.

Tamayo turned back to (Y/n) looking forlorn, “How much did you hear?”

“You need blood or you’ll have to leave.” (Y/n) answered honestly, “If you need blood, you can have some of mine... I don’t know if it’s the right type, but if it’s what you need, I’ll be more than happy to give it to you.”

Tamayo shook her head. “(Y/n), I don’t think you understand what you are offering.”

“It’s my blood, I’ll offer it to whomever I please,” (Y/n) staggered back to their feet, “and I want to give it to you. You don’t even need to tell me what for.”

Tamayo scanned (Y/n)’s face before closing her eyes and turning away. She walked towards a nearby window and pulled open the curtains, allowing the full moonlight to glide over her skin and flowery kimono. (Y/n) swallowed thickly, clearing their throat they turned to look out the window as well. The young doctor was bewitchingly beautiful and (Y/n) could not risk missing whatever Tamayo had to say.

“Before you commit yourself to this decision, you must first understand what I am.”

“Tamayo-sama!” Yushirou called out only for Tamayo to raise her hand to call for his silence.

“...What you are?” (Y/n) cocked their head to the side, confused. “You look like a normal person to me.”

“That’s what makes a lot of my kind so dangerous.” Tamayo sighed, her eyes still trained on the moon, “Monsters in human skin. Although there are many who wear their sin in grotesque and prideful ways.”

“I’m not sure what you’re getting at, but it’s not like all humans are great people either. Like how Ichiro’s parents left him here after he got sick and still haven’t wrote back like they promised. Even if you are different from humans as you are claiming, I can’t say that your any worse than the people I know. In fact, I’d say you’re better than a lot of the people I know.” (Y/n) tried to explain.

“I’ve done more evil and unforgivable deeds in my time on this earth than I could ever atone for. Even as I work to do better I know I can’t take back all the harm I’ve caused.” Tamayo shook her head and turned to (Y/n), cupping their cheek with a chilled hand, “I’ve aided in more atrocities than you have years on this planet. Do not let what you’ve seen of me in these short weeks fool you.”

“Okay, so you’re committed to believing your evil and irredeemable, is that right?” (Y/n) grasped the hand at their cheek, holding it in their own, “Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to believe that. I don’t know what you’ve done, but you’re obviously torn up about it. I can’t say someone who was pure evil would think twice about that.”

Tamayo pulled her hand away, cradling it close to her chest and turned back to the window with a slight tremble before whispering, “I’m a demon, (Y/n). I’ve turned Yushirou as well. We get by on blood these days but before then, I have killed and devoured many humans in five hundred years. Tell me now you don’t find me repulsive.”

“I don’t!” (Y/n) spoke immediately and resolutely, surprising the demon doctor and Yushirou to an extent with their resolve. “I don’t know who you were or what you were going through back then, but the Tamayo I know is kind enough to stop in some nowhere village to take care of sick people she doesn't even know while expecting nothing in return. I can’t say my word means very much in the grand scheme of things, but I don’t think you’re a monster. Monsters don’t mourn over their victims. I think you’re a good person Tamayo, worthy of my blood if you’ll just let me give it to you.”

The determined look on (Y/n)’s face made Tamayo feel as if she’d seen a specter from her past. She felt tempted to reach out again but held back, afraid of what, she wouldn’t allow herself to dwell. (Y/n) took her silence as a hesitation and insisted once more, bearing their arm up to the crook of their elbow.

“Take what you two need. Please don’t make me try to do it myself.”

Tamayo closed the distance between them quickly and held (Y/n)’s arms as if she was frightened of them doing something dangerous to themself.

“Yushirou, please get the phlebotomy kit from the travel bag.” Tamayo asked softly.

Yushirou nodded. Though he was not particularly fond of how close his master was to the human, he was glad she would finally be getting some sustenance.

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” (Y/n) tried to joke to lighten the mood.

“You can revoke your offer whenever you wish. If you want us to leave you may ask us to do so without fear. I promise you.” Tamayo said, nothing but sincerity in her tone.

“I’ll keep it in mind, but I’ll do no such thing. Now, I hope you don’t think it rude of me for drinking some water myself first before I get you your... beverage. It was the whole reason I was walking through in the first place.” (Y/n) said as they walked across the kitchen and fetched some water.

Tamayo’s lips curled ever so slightly into a wisp of a smile aimed at (Y/n)’s back as they drank.

***

Now that (Y/n) knew they were sheltering a couple of demons, the strange behaviors they had noted prior made more sense and they took them in stride. They loved teasing Tamayo and Yushirou about the quality of their blood. Often making Tamayo flush faintly or earn a quick jab to the chest from Yushirou that was probably harder than he should be hitting a fragile human.

They kept the knowledge of their species to themself, not wanting to stress the sick or endanger Tamayo in some way. They had since learned that the strange papers that were littered around their house were actually some kind of warding seal that Yushirou could produce to keep their presence hidden to outsiders. If all that Tamayo had told (Y/n) about the realness of demons held true, they were surprised that they hadn’t encountered them sooner. Perhaps the constant scent of death and decay had kept them at bay, figuring there was no fresh flesh to tear into.

However, that was all changing now. Of the twenty-six remaining villagers, twenty-five were making marked improvements in their health and many could even walk about the the house without being too fatigued. (Y/n) had smiled so brightly when they saw Ichiro slide out of bed one morning that they had brought a hand to their mouth in delighted shock. They couldn’t remember the last time they had smiled so earnestly. Tamayo had surprised them, taking their hand away from their mouth.

“Let your joy shine through. The light you have to share could lift anyone’s spirits. I know it has lifted mine, so don’t hide please.” Tamayo said kindly.

“Right!” (Y/n) laughed sheepishly as heat crawled up their neck. They were sure Tamayo could hear the blood rushing through their system but thankfully she was polite enough not to comment on it.

“(Y/n)-san, can you take us outside?” One of the other young children asked.

“Mhm, only for a little bit though. Don’t want to over do it now, do we?”

“Tamayo-san, do you want to come?” Ichiro asked hopefully.

“Tamayo-san is very busy. But I’m sure she’ll be happy to read you a story later. Won’t that be nice?” (Y/n) smiled, saving Tamayo from having to come up with an excuse to avoid the brightness of the spring sun.

A small group gathered and slowly made their way outside, blinking hard against the bright sun stinging their eyes. Still, they felt overjoyed. Many never thought they’d make it through the winter so they took in the scenery before them with a range of emotions.

When they returned, (Y/n) helped everyone get settled again. As they did, they noticed Tamayo speaking quietly to the young woman in the corner cot. She had been fighting against the illness for a particularly long time and had been getting worse as of late. Keeping the interaction in mind, (Y/n) made their way to the kitchens to see if Yushirou needed any assistance with lunch. Now that everyone’s appetites were returning they had to produce a bit more than they had in the past.

When everyone was fed, (Y/n) had managed to find Tamayo alone. The doctor had found the old ceremonial tea room and enjoyed the space, so naturally (Y/n) had given her permission to do with it what she liked. (Y/n) knocked and announced themself, waiting for Tamayo to beckon them in before entering.

“(Y/n), does someone need something? Do you need something?” Tamayo asked, momentarily pausing in her herb crushing to look up at them.

“No, everything seems fine right now. Although Kotori does not appear to be doing well at all.” (Y/n) sighed, kneeling across from Tamayo. “...She’s going to die, isn’t she?”

“Yes.” Tamayo nodded solemnly. “I gave her medicine to dull her pain, but she’ll be dead before the next morning. There is nothing more I can do for her.”

“What do you tell them?” (Y/n) asked, “I mean, I’ve noticed how you talk to the dying ones before they pass. What do you say to someone who’s dying like that?”

“Many times they already know the end is near and have accepted it. Many are relieved to know the fighting and pain is almost over for them. What I offer them... is a second chance at life.”

(Y/n)’s eyes narrowed in concentration before shooting back open. “You offered to turn them into demons, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?”

“It can be, only if you don’t have someone to look out for you and remind you who you are. I would be there for them as I was for Yushirou of course.” Tamayo assured, though she looked guilty. “You must think it cruel of me to offer this cursed existence.”

“Not at all. Many people fear death. I can especially understand it from a perspective of those who have yet to truly live. As long as they can remember their humanity, I don’t have a problem with it.” (Y/n) smiled, “I’m sure with you to guide them they would be just fine.”

Tamayo blushed and got back to work, grinding her herbs.

“Though I’m surprised, has no one taken up your offer since you got here?”

Tamayo shook her head, but a small smile pulled at her lips, “No. I’m content with their choices though. I think they were all very brave choosing to face the unknown.”

“Speaking of unknown,” (Y/n) mumbled between their fingers as they watched Tamayo carefully scoop her powder into a jar before moving on to the next herb. “Everyone will be more or less back to full health soon... are you still planning on leaving?”

“(Y/n), we’ve already discussed this,” Tamayo frowned, “I was never meant to stay here.”

“But you could.” (Y/n) said, an almost frantic waver in their voice, “you taught me a lot about medicine and how to be a physician, but you’ve quite literally have hundreds of years more experience than I do. Not to mention everyone here loves you, I love you—“ (Y/n) tried to shut themself up but it was too late. As made evident by the roundness of Tamayo’s eyes.

“Oh (Y/n), I’m sorry.” Tamayo said, the pestle held in between her fingers shook.

“Don’t be sorry, just, stay?” (Y/n) stuttered. “You can forget the last part if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“This just further proves that I mustn’t be here.” Tamayo put the pestle down and covered her eyes with her hands.

(Y/n)’s heart ached so much they felt compelled to rub the the spot in an attempt to soothe it. “Is the idea of me loving you really that awful?” They asked, a watery chuckle falling from their lips.

“(Y/n), it’s not that simple.” Tamayo tried to explain, but (Y/n) was already getting up and heading out of the room.

“It’s fine. I’ll try to stay out of your way. Stick around a bit longer for the sake of the village is all I ask.” (Y/n) didn’t wait for an answer. They went to their room and felt numb the rest of the day.

They were jostled out of their upset thoughts by the sound of pounding feet drawing closer and before they could react any further, Yushirou barged in practically foaming at the mouth. (Y/n) was not intimidated by the display however.

“Would it kill you to knock?”

“What have you done to upset Tamayo-sama?” He seethed, his voice a dangerous whisper.

“I’ve momentarily burdened her with my feelings. Don’t worry, once you get on the road again I’m sure she’ll feel much better. And you’ll have her all to yourself again, you must be thrilled.” (Y/n) bitterly informed.

“Don’t speak as if this is no large matter, you’ve left Tamayo-sama very distraught! What did you do? Why was she crying?”

“Crying?” (Y/n) asked, the information chilled them like a sudden torrential rainfall.

“Yes! Now what did you say to her you mongrel? Spit it out!” Yushirou growled, grabbing at the neck of (Y/n)’s clothing to shake them around a bit.

“I kinda... told her I loved her?”

“You what?!” Yushirou bellowed with rage and envy befitting a rival.

“I’m pretty sure you heard me the first time.” (Y/n) still had the gall to tease the demon knowing full well he could think of ten different ways to kill them with one hand tied behind his back.

“You idiot! Don’t you know what she’s been through? And you just think you can say such things and be on your merry way? Honestly, a goddess like her should not have to shed tears for such insolence!”

“What are you talking about?” (Y/n) grunted. The hold Yushirou had them in was very uncomfortable.

“If I tell you, you must never bring this up to Tamayo-sama, and you will apologize right away for your unsavory actions. Do you understand?”

“...yes.” (Y/n) nodded tentatively. Yushirou let go of them and they rubbed at their tender flesh where he had dug in.

“Tamayo-sama was ill once as well,” Yushirou began, observing the books (Y/n) had strewn around the room with a bit of disdain for the mess, “when she was human, she was desperately searching for a cure that would save her from an agonizing death. Then, as fate would have it, one day she met a man who promised her a cure for her ailment. What that man did to her turned her into a demon. It was true that Tamayo-sama was freed from the pains of her illness, but at the cost of everything she held dear. For you see, the man had not explained what she would become and with no way to control herself, she had killed and devoured her husband and children.” Yushirou crossed his arms tightly, “Do you understand now? Can you imagine what that must have been like?”

“I had no idea.” (Y/n) looked down at their feet.

“Yeah, then you come in and— argh! What are you still hanging around for? Go apologize already! You’ve already waited the daylight away, get moving!”

“Okay, I’m going! I’m going!” (Y/n) batted the angry demon away and jogged down the hall. They checked every room until they made it to the sick bay.

They asked around and quickly learned that Tamayo had gone out for a moonlit walk. They thanked the patients and quickly made their way out the door, shutting it tightly behind them.

They looked out from the engawa, scanning the scenery they saw no sign of the demon doctor. Deciding the nearby forest was their best bet, they hopped off of the engawa, bare feet against the grass and dirt, and jogged into the woods.

“Tamayo?” (Y/n) called for her, searching around for any clues to her whereabouts.

They traveled deeper still, teasing the edge of the deep woods where not even the sun could shine through on the brightest of days, much less the soft reflection of the moon. They heard a rustle.

“Tamayo?”

(Y/n) felt the hairs on the neck and arms scrape to attention. Their heart was beating frantically as the noise drew closer. It couldn’t be Tamayo, she surely would have called out in return.

Then, (Y/n) screamed.

They couldn’t remember how they had ended up on the ground. They blinked sluggishly up at the moon only for it to be blocked moments later by a blurry figure. (Y/n) swore they saw swirls of colorful flowers dancing at the corners of their vision. (Y/n) winced and gurgled. Why did their chest hurt so bad, what was this pressure?

“(Y/n), please, tell me what to do. What do you want me to do?” A muffled voice cried, confusing (Y/n).

They tried to take in another breath but it just felt like they were drowning. The voice sounded farther away, but no less pleading, mixed with far away screams and angry yells. Neither of which sounded like they belonged to the figure before them.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

‘For what?’ (Y/n) wondered, the pain had faded greatly. Whatever was happening, it was better than the pain. Perhaps they could go back to sleep now.

And so, they did.

***

When (Y/n) awoke, it was to the soft brushing of knuckles against their hair which was almost immediately drowned out by a ferocious hunger. They bent to snap at the fingers but something had kept them restrained. (Y/n) struggled and growled, the need to tear into flesh was, all too fittingly, consuming them.

“(Y/n), take a little at a time. Control yourself.” The voice beside them gently urged, presenting (Y/n) with a tube. They were highly uninterested at first until the further end of the tube was released from a pinched grip and allowed blood to flow down to their waiting mouth. It wasn’t fresh or hot, but it was better than nothing. After a few minutes of stopping and starting the thick slide of blood, the figure took the tube away all together, causing (Y/n) to growl and hiss with displeasure.

“You will need to learn to pace yourself, the sooner you do, the better.” The soft voice informed, not that (Y/n) really understood them.

(Y/n) wasn’t sure how long this had gone on, but they learned quickly not to bite the hand that feeds you, even if it was only aged blood on the menu.

Then slowly, they felt their brain working overtime. Apparently, there was a lot of information hiding under all of the bloodlust, and (Y/n) thought maybe, just maybe, there was a part of themself that detested those desires for human flesh and bone.

Then one night, it was like a fog had finally rolled out of (Y/n)’s mind and they struggled against their restraints for a whole other reason.

“How did I get here?” They yelled, breathing heavily though they had no real need to breathe at all anymore.

(Y/n) heard the soft patter of footsteps on the matted floor out in the hallway. They were honestly surprised they could hear such a slight noise to begin with.

The door slid open and Tamayo stood there, observing them nervously.

“Tamayo!” (Y/n) sighed in relief, “Where were you? All I remember is going out to look for you. How did I even—“

Tamayo was over in a flash, resting her forehead against (Y/n)’s with her hands cupping their cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” She sobbed, “I didn’t know what to do. You couldn’t speak for yourself. I should have just tried to make your passing quick and comfortable, but I was selfish. I’m so sorry.”

(Y/n) winced, thinking back hurt, but with that last ‘sorry’, they were back in the moonlit woods, bleeding out with Tamayo above them and Yushirou dismantling the low level demon that had jumped them.

(Y/n) leaned their forehead up to meet Tamayo’s more firmly since their arms and legs were still tightly bound.

“You don’t need to apologize, but I forgive you.” They rasped, drawing more tears from the demon doctor.

“I couldn’t lose you. Not again.”

“What do you mean?” (Y/n) asked, puzzled.

“Do you believe in reincarnation, (Y/n)?”

“I think it’s a nice idea, to be reborn as something new.” (Y/n) shrugged as best as they could.

“When I first came to this village, something pulled me to this old house, and it wasn’t the smell of death and ruin. Something inside me told me this was where I needed to be,” Tamayo ran her thumbs along (Y/n)’s cheekbones, “it all led me to you and though you are unique from any other person I have met in all my years roaming this earth, I feel like I knew you life times ago.”

“I feel like I felt something similar.” (Y/n) whispered, “Something about your eyes just felt so familiar. Do you think...”

“Yes and no,” Tamayo smiled sadly, “I believe my husband had a hand in bringing you to me. You may have the same soul but you are still you’re own person with unique experiences. I like seeing little reminders of him in you, but I’m also growing very fond of who you are on your own.”

“Then, why didn’t you tell me before?” (Y/n) asked.

“Because I was afraid and I had every right to be. I almost lost you again.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you.”

Tamayo raised her head to brush a kiss over (Y/n)’s forehead, “Forgiven.”

“...Do you think you could maybe untie me now or...?” (Y/n) asked with a goofy smile on their face.

“Oh, yes, I should do that. So long as you promise to tell me if you ever feel like you’re losing yourself.”

“You have my word, my lady.” (Y/n) replied, leaving Tamayo a bit flustered.

“So, how is everyone?” (Y/n) asked with a stretch, sitting up from the bed.

“They all left for new opportunities in the southeast. I apologize, but Yushirou and I thought it best if they believed you had died. A bear mauling.” Tamayo’s nose crinkled very subtly, but (Y/n) easily saw her displeasure.

“Don’t worry, I understand.” (Y/n) said with a melancholic smile. They leaned over hesitantly and kissed the faint wrinkle of Tamayo’s nose away, making the doctor fall forward to bury her head in (Y/n)’s collarbone.

“I worry that you’re too understanding.” Tamayo commented shyly, earning a laugh from (Y/n) and after another moment of stillness, (Y/n) spoke up again.

“Where is Yushirou anyway?”

“I’m in the kitchen and I can hear ever word you say you blood sucker!” Yushirou yelled, making the doctor and the new demon jump at the volume. “You better get travel ready soon, because you gobbled up the last of our blood supply!”

“Sorry!” (Y/n) called awkwardly, snorting only after Yushirou replied with a handful of sounds that made no sense, but got his grumpiness across.

“Don’t feel too bad. It’s a process Yushirou has endured as well. He was no less needy and feral than you were when I changed him.” Tamayo said.

“Needy and feral,” (Y/n) groaned, “I wish you didn’t have to see me like that.” Tamayo chuckled lightly, raising her head from (Y/n)’s chest to look into their eyes making their breath hitch.

“That hasn’t harmed my image of you at all,” Tamayo kissed their cheek, “you are still the sweet,” a kiss to the other cheek, “selfless,” a kiss to the nose, “person you were before this.”

(Y/n) tentatively raised their hands to cup Tamayo’s cheeks, noting the pale blue hue of their previously clear nails as they did so.

“Forgive me if this comes off as needy, but could I kiss you?” They asked, barely above a whisper.

“Please.” Tamayo responded quickly, pulling in (Y/n) from the back of their neck.

Soft lips glided together, occasionally leaving their target to land sweet pecks elsewhere before diving back in. When they finally drew apart, resting their foreheads together, Tamayo smiled brightly. It was a feeling she hadn’t had since she was human all those years ago.

[gatecoeur]

hey so, i’m now officially gonna make a slow return onto here - it’s been well over a month, and frankly i missed being on here. i guess i should give a lil update on my life for those who care, but i’ll get the rp parts outta the way first and put the rest under read more.

TL;DR, other than the starters people have written for me that i’ve yet to reply to, i’m dropping all my threads. i just really need a fresh start right now, and given that i’m going into a Master’s degree that’s in the English department, i’m not sure how well i’m going to be able to keep up with my more plot-heavy threads. i hope people see this as an opportunity to throw new ideas at me, and i hope to interact with some of the people who’ve recently followed me, so i feel like starting anew is the best way to go about it. 

for those who’ve left me asks, i’ll do my best to work through them. i may have to delete some, especially if they’re in reference to things that happened while i was gone, so please don’t take it personally. i’m just trying to take things at my own pace and time. i hope you all understand.

now, onto where the fuck i’ve been this past month and a bit.

so, back in late July, i was faced with a situation i was hoping i wouldn’t have to deal with, but nonetheless had anticipated - in searching for a place to live in for the school year with friends, they all bailed out on me. all their reasons were valid, but it put a crazy amount of stress on me, because i was already dealing with trying to get myself a car and the insurance for it. so i poured all of my energy into finding a place before i’d be forced to settle on a room i’d hate. 

for two weeks, i had to travel between my home city and the city the university was in to do viewings, which typically was a full day sort of ordeal. not that i didn’t do so beforehand with my friends, but it was taxing and frankly costed me a decent amount of money, especially when a lot of the places i initially looked at were incredibly shitty. i am so fortunate that i found the place i’m in now - sure, the room’s small, but the place is newly renovated, the rent’s cheaper than everywhere else i looked at, my roommates are very nice people, and it’s close to the university. 

when i had that out of the way though, i still had to deal with getting a car. my mom had been flip-flopping for WEEKS about whether or not she wanted to give me hers or not, but finally she did, which honestly ended up saving me a lot of money. dealing with the insurance had been a fucking nightmare though, and it’s actually still ongoing, but it should be resolved by the end of this week. during that time though, my mom had done absolutely nothing to help my stress, because there was potential that i had to stay with my parents for longer than i wanted to, since the car was still needed to get my brother to work, as well as needed for my mom to travel around to find herself a new car. the situation ended up being way more ideal than what my mom had projected, but still, you can imagine how much that sucked for me.

now, during this time, i had the brilliant idea of getting back into the dating pool. i ended up downloading a few apps, and met a guy that i really hit it off with - we’d talk pretty regularly on Discord, and we even went on a few dates. he had so many similar interests with me, was insanely intelligent, and he treated me with so much respect. by the second in-person date, i’m not gonna lie, i was head over heels for him. we even talked about him visiting me every weekend once school started up again, which was way more effort than any of my exes had ever put into me. 

but then, just a few days before i’d officially move into my new place, he messaged me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. even though we weren’t official or anything of the sort, it devastated me. i understood his reasons though, and we agreed to stay friends. sometimes it still hurts to think about, but i’m slowly but surely getting over it. we’ve sent each other the occasional message since then, but nothing more than that. 

i’ve also deleted all those apps since then -  i’m not sure how long it’s going to be before i’m okay with opening myself up like that to another person.

it wasn’t all bad though. i went to a wedding with my best friend, and her entire friend group from her hometown has basically accepted me as one of them - they’ve even invited me to join them in their yearly cottage trip that they’re hoping to have next year. i also got to meet up with an old friend from high school - even though it had been literally 3 years since we last saw each other, it felt like no time had passed at all. i got to see some family members that i also hadn’t seen in years, and just yesterday, i helped a friend move into a new place.

overall, the past month and a bit has been one hell of a rollercoaster for me. i hope things will be relatively more manageable, especially when my mental health is in such a fragile state - i need some healing, and part of that includes coming back here and doing what i love most. interacting with you all.

if you’ve read through this all, thank you. i promise i’m doing much better now, and i hope to get back into the swing of things soon enough. <3

[pinky-the-elephant-room]

Cerulean

● AN: Thanks to @succulent-momma​ and @drabbles-blurbs-words​ for editing this for me. A quick note before reading this Japan doesn’t foster in large numbers.  So most orphans or neglected children go to a facility called “Children’s homes”. Also, I wanted to take on the trope of the hero “breaking their lover’s heart to save them” usually it ends up with the said lover being heartbroken for years before the hero finds them again and voila! Everything is fine and dandy after the truth comes out. I really dislike this trope so I wanted to do a prompt to expand more on this.

● Warning: This prompt includes underage sex between two minors, explicit sex, consensual sex, and angst read at your own discretion. For those who are Nana fans I also warn you read cautiously. 

● Young All Might x Fem Reader

●●●●●

Y/N frowned at Nana-neesan; her frown became even more severe at the sight of the taller blonde man.

“What do you want, nee-san? You made it clear that you didn’t want me to interfere with your work when you left me here,” she murmured under her breath while keeping an eye on the blonde that was nervously looking from her older sister to her.

Here being the children’s home for abused and abandoned orphans. Yes, she had a living older sister who could have taken care of her but chose not to due to her dangerous job as a Pro Hero complete with a maniacal evil villain.

Nana sent a sorrowful smile towards her.

“I know you aren’t happy with my decision, but I promise I would rather you be alive here than dead with me. You being alive in front of my eyes means everything to me even if it means that I won’t see you as often.”

Y/N had heard this speech over and over again, she should understand her intentions by now, right? She understands that her older sister spends time-saving the entirety of Japan, but all she wants is to go home and see her family regularly. She wanted to see her infant nephew that was only 3 months old. So, she should understand, but Y/N couldn’t help the bitterness bubbling inside of her.

Nana gestured to the man next to her.

“This is my student and successor, Yagi Toshinori. I want you and him to get along. Think of him as your oni-san. He’ll protect you when I can’t,” she told her. The glint in Nana’s eyes showed the pride and joy she held for her student.

That revelation only made things worse for Y/N. What was nee-san doing now? Picking up strays off the street and replacing her real siblings? Sure, she didn’t have a quirk like nee san’s, but it didn’t mean she was worthless. It didn’t mean she deserved to be abandoned at a children’s home.

Y/N sent a vicious glare to the man well more like boy named Yagi.

“He is not my oni-san. I might live here right now, but I have a family. And I don’t remember my parents having a boy,” Y/N growled out and sent one last look at her sister. She seemed to be pleading with Y/N before a resigned look settled in her eyes.

She stomped over to the caretaker and told her that the visit was over. The official just nodded and politely asked Nana-neesan to leave. She only stared at Y/N for a few more moments before heeding the request and leaving her alone again in the facility. It shouldn’t hurt, after all, she had already been here since she was 15 and now her 16th birthday was only a few months away. And yet, to see her sister’s back as she left again, it tore another piece of her on the inside. The worst thing was Y/N should hate her with every fiber of her being, but she couldn’t. She wanted her family and her sister. Not this stranger who upheld the One for All legacy over the cost of her own blood.

So, Y/N hardened her heart and trudged back to her shared room with another abandoned girl who only smiled in sympathy at her plight.

“Ne Y/N, look I bought some snacks from the nearby convenience store with my allowance. Want some?”

She shook her head at the girl’s earnest look and scooted over to her friend. “I thought you were on a diet.”

Her friend only shrugged and held out a chocolate bar which Y/N took a generous bite out of.

“Trust me, whenever these parents or foster people come to check on us. We need this!”

Y/N didn’t voice her agreement out loud but took another bite of her chocolate as the two lonely girls chatted and comforted each other for the sorrows that were beyond their control.

●●●●●

Unfortunately, that last disastrous visit was not the end of it. It seemed Yagi had taken it upon himself to befriend the lone sister of his teacher. He started showing up at the facility even without nee-san. Y/N didn’t ask him if her sister knew what her student was doing. At first, she refused all visits from him, but he left presents for her. Snacks, chocolate, makeup (haphazardly bought but luxurious nonetheless), and even envelopes with small amounts of spending money. Finally, she got fed up with it and confronted him.

“Do you think I’m cheap and easy that you can buy my affections with all this stuff? I told you I don’t want another sibling, nor do I need one,” she huffed angrily at him. The idiotic man just smiled with jubilation in return to her censure. “Why are you smiling? Do you think making me angry and upset is funny?”

He quickly crossed his hands in an X and shook his head. “No! I’m just happy you’re finally talking to me and I get it. I know that it’s weird for someone to come out of nowhere and act like your brother. But that’s just Shishou’s wish for us to get along.”

Y/N could feel her annoyance build up and replied, “well it’s always been about what she wants isn’t it? Never about what I want or what my wishes are. Did she even think about how I would feel when she brought her student to meet me and ask me to treat you like family when she left me here? No, she didn’t! Just like she didn’t consider how all of this is impacting me. Does she even care?”

The last part ruined her and the lump in her throat caused her voice to break as she voiced out her deepest fears to the guiltless boy in front of her. Yagi stepped in front of her and grabbed both of her shoulders. Y/N let out a gasp when he pulled her close and she could see the depth in his ocean eyes.

“Gomen. I can’t say I know everything that happened between Shishou and you. I can see that her sacrifices have hurt you and nothing I do will ever erase those hurts. I won’t ever replace the family that you had nor the sister you want. But I can be the friend you need.”

His eyes shined brightly with resolve and she wanted to believe him. Y/N was so tired of this past year, everything that could possibly go wrong had gone wrong. Y/N tried to slip out of his strong grasp and separate herself from his expectations.

“Please,” he urged softly.

Y/N looked back into his eyes and felt her trepidation crumble.

“Fine. We can try being friends, but the second you act out of line. You will stop visiting me.” She warned him.

Again, he sent a delighted smile her way and brought her in for a tight hug. Y/N felt her cheeks heat up and tried to push him away from her.

“Thanks! I promise you won’t regret giving me a chance.”

Y/N scoffed and pushed against his strong chest even harder. “I already do,” she murmured to herself as the overly joyful man finally let her go.

●●●●●

Over the next couple of months, Toshinori made good on his promise and she saw him more often than her sister. She saw him after he got accepted into U.A. and he shared his elation with her. She saw him as he failed several times to defeat someone named Gran Torino. She even stayed and listened to him as he babbled on about her nee-san’s ideals of saving people with a smile. They grew closer than she ever thought possible. And so, it wasn’t a surprise that closeness evolved into something else.

“Here you go, Y/N-chan!” he handed over a gift wrapped up nicely. Her 16th birthday had included well wishes from the caretakers within the facility, her roommate, and her too often absent sister. But Toshinori had held off the celebrations until he was able to get a reprieve from U.A. to visit her.

She read the card first, it was a sloppily written card with her name on it. Y/N snickered at the butchered Kanji rather than the expected elegant calligraphy from her sister’s protegee. Finally, she took apart the present. It was a picture of kittens with bows on it. She felt her eyebrows twitch and sent Toshinori a glare. He knew how badly she wanted a pet, but the facility wouldn’t allow it.

She took the frame out and held it up to hit him with it. “You jerk! How could you do this on my birthday!”

“Wait..Wait! It’s not what you think!” he yelled out while avoiding her hits easily.

She huffed and said, “explain now! Before I beat you senseless with this cute frame.”

“Do you remember that kitten you saved from the streets and brought them to the nearest vet? Well, one of those kittens are him and the rest of those kittens have all found homes. They were going to be put down in the shelter due to limited space and because they were FIV positive. However, I’ve spent time and money to ensure that all of them found homes.”

Y/N looked down at the frame and sure enough one of them resembled the orange fluff ball she rescued from a storm drain.

“I know it’s not the pet you wanted. But until you can get one for yourself. I hope this is enough.”

She stared at him unblinkingly and he started getting unnerved with the way she was insistently staring without uttering a word.

“It’s a bad present, isn’t it? I’m sorry I thought it was a good idea and I’ve never bought a gift for a girl before. You know what? You can keep the frame and we can go out for dinner instead. My treat- Mprrh!” His rambling was cut off by her lips capturing Toshinori’s.

He didn’t waste a second, tugging her into his arms, and responding with fervent enthusiasm. He felt so warm, she couldn’t remember the last time someone just held her. First, she had lost her parents. And then her nee-san increasingly disappeared on her heroic crusade until she finally dumped her at this facility. It felt so right in his strong arms and a sigh of content escaped her as his tongue traced her lips as if asking for permission. She granted it and fell into a deeper escape. For the last few months, since she had gotten to know Toshinori, everything felt lighter. And the fact she was forsaken no longer weighed heavily on her being. He was the first good thing to happen that was entirely hers. Y/N’s feelings only grew more severe when she saw the depths he would go for her. But she feared that his kindness was something he shared with everyone or that he only cared for her because of nee-san. But now she could feel his tongue explore her mouth with zeal, tempting her body to respond with needy whimpers. Y/N was sure that her fears were unfounded. They only separated when air became necessary but even then, they stayed engrossed in each other. Toshinori rested his forehead against hers. She was unable to look away when he looked at her with such unrestrained and open adoration.

“Is it .… always like that?” he asked as he gasped for breath.

“I’m not sure,” she admitted, afraid to let him know that he was her first kiss.

He only stared at her with starry eyes and no judgment as he brought her into another kiss and another; until she could no longer spare time as curfew forced her to return.  

The rest of the year was spent with them sneaking out to meet each other whenever it was possible. Her nee-san seemed suspicious at the newfound familiarity between her imouto and student. But at the same time, she was relieved to know there was someone else to look out for Y/N. She never did suspect that the way Toshinori and Y/N were spending time was hardly in a way that normal friends ever attempted.

●●●●●

One particular weekend Y/N found herself at Toshinori’s apartment. He stayed there whenever he wasn’t training or was at U.A. It was a fairly decent apartment. It lacked any personal items only containing the necessity. She waited patiently in the apartment while the blonde went to the restroom. She couldn’t help herself when she went exploring through his space. Opening doors and peeking inside whatever that was unlocked. Y/N always did have a habit of being nosey and a sneak, so she didn’t think twice when she came to Toshi’s room and swung it open. Though, even his bedroom wasn’t much to look at; except he had a nice large bed instead of a futon. She was just about to leave disappointed when she spotted a sparkly gift bag tucked away on a desk.

Now normally going through people’s gifts and precious items was going too far even for her, but that gift bag’s logo was familiar to her. It was the bag of the most famous lingerie brand in Japan. She didn’t buy lingerie for herself, but she did buy regularly their bras and panties whenever necessary. So, the fact that her boyfriend had something from them in his room and she didn’t know about it, well she felt justified to look through said gift bag.

Y/N sifted through the purple wrapping paper and a receipt before coming across a babydoll lingerie. She breathed a sigh of relief when she realized the garment still had its tags on it. Did that mean Toshi bought it for her and had yet to give it to her? She had to admit his taste in lingerie was very tasteful. It was sheer mauve with black trimmings on its edges and with a matching panty. Though the amount of lace on the fabric was kind of surprising, he didn’t seem like the type of guy who would like lace.

“Hey, are you in here?” Toshi yelled out when he came into the room only to let out a strangled gasp when he saw her standing there with the babydoll in hand.

Y/N only raised her eyebrow meaningfully at him.

“It’s not what you think!” he stuttered trying to find an excuse as to why he had that in his room. “Ok. It’s exactly what you think….. I like lace?.... And I thought you would look pretty in it?”

See if she didn’t know Toshinori as well as she did, Y/N would have thought he was lying. But she knew it was the truth; from the way he looked directly in her eyes and the fact that every time they got intimate, he acted angsty. Like he wanted more. She waited for him to ask permission to go further but he never did. Maybe this was his way to suggest it without putting too much pressure on her.

She looked at the soft revealing garment in her hand and his panicked face. Y/N started unzipping her hoody and let it fall to the floor.

His breath hitched and he murmured, “w-what are you doing?”

“Well, you bought it for me, didn’t you? Don’t you think I should try it on?”

Keeping eye contact Y/N unbuttoned her jeans and tugged them off too. She then reached over and pulled off her tank top and added it to the pile. Toshinori on the other hand had his entire face flushed red. His eyes wildly moved from her face to her body as if he didn’t know what to savor first. She reached behind and unbuckled her bra from its hook. She made sure not to look at her boyfriend while she shed her panty. Her last piece of clothing as she didn’t want to lose her nerve. Grabbing the babydoll she pulled it over her head and the slick material slid down her body. It barely covered her butt and her nipples strained against the material.

“So, what do you think?” Y/N asked with a nervous smile.

His nervous composure disappeared, and he confidently strode towards her. He touched her hair and loosened the bun she had pilled her hair in. Her long hair fell in waves and framed her face delicately, he smiled at the sight she made.

“Now it’s perfect. You look beautiful,” he said as he reached down to kiss her.

She didn’t know how they got from standing and kissing softly in the middle of the room and to his bed. Toshinori somewhere along the way had shed all his clothes, settling his hard body against her soft curves. Her first time was everything she imagined, the love in his eyes as she trusted him to take care of her. The horror stories of how much it hurt weren’t true in her case because all she could see was the exquisiteness of the ocean in his eyes. Did he know how expressive they were? They told so many stories from just their azure hues. She had seen them in sadness, fear, and joy. But they never shined with such brilliance until she stared above at him caging her tiny body protectively.

“Toshi.. hnggg~..” she whimpered out as he roughly palmed her breasts over the mauve intimate apparel.

He wouldn’t let her take it off, preferring her in it. Saying he liked the way her body appeared so sinful and tempting while she blushed and squirmed underneath him.

She let out another gasp when his cock slid in with the exact angle she needed, and her body arched accordingly. She spread her thighs more and hooked them around his waist so that he could move in easier without many obstacles. It felt like a warm entity had entered and filled her up just when she needed it. She felt Toshinori’s large hands secure themselves around her waist and lift her entire body. She let out a yelp and then a loud moan when he slammed her back down.

Y/N could vaguely hear his praises amongst his groans, the sounds of the bed slamming against the wall and the obscene wet sounds of their sexes intermingling. He told her how gorgeous she looked and how much he loved her.

She could feel herself spiraling before she lost it again and again. Y/N realized with frustration that Toshi was purposely changing his rhythm and speed.

Once again when her pleasure stopped midway, she let out a sob.

“Please, baby. I c-can’t.”

“Not yet. I promise I’ll give you what you need. Just wait,” Toshinori crooned as he ragdolled her body with his powerful thrusts.

Her short-bitten nails dug into his skin when she felt him lap at her perky cleavage. The thin soaked fabric clung to her body lewdly and it only encouraged his explorations. She grabbed the back of his head and encouraged him to suck the other neglected breast. When she felt him gingerly lick the fabric that covered the taut nub before sucking deeply, she finally lost it. Her muscles started squeezing around his member and the flutters started pulsing. The pulses came faster and faster as he helped her ride it out. 

The base of his cock felt heavy and tight. Toshinori slipped out of her surging cunt and spilled more of her juices onto his bedsheets. Keeping her thighs together, he used her thickness to stimulate himself and spilled his cum. He watched captivated as his sticky fluid ran down her thighs.

 The two lovers drifted off to sleep after their exertion. And when Y/N returned to the Children’s home the next day only to be punished for staying out without permission, she couldn’t help but think it was worth it.

●●●●●

Y/N ran through the hospital at top speed, trying to dodge oncoming patients and nurses. She spotted Toshinori standing next to a curiously short man.

“Toshi! Are you okay? I heard you and nee-san were involved in something big!” Y/N asked in a panic looking over his bruised and bandaged cheeks.

She looked up at him worriedly when he cupped her face gently.

“Y/N, Nana-shishou is… She’s gone.”

It felt like her entire life came to a standstill. “Gone where? Toshi, that’s not a funny joke,” she observed his face looking for any signs that he might be kidding, only to realize he wasn’t.

“No! That can’t be true. Nee-san was strong there’s no way!” There were no tears or anything that might qualify as grief. Instead, she felt anger.

“Of course! She left me here all alone! All for what??! A country that doesn’t even know her name? She’ll be forgotten like the rest of the heroes! Nobody’s going to remember her and what about Kotaro? Did she even for a second think about what would happen to her son?” Her rage growing more incense by each sentence.

“Now listen here, girl! I don’t care if you are family, but I will not let you belittle her sacrifice!” The old man butted in.

“Who the hell are you? And why are you butting in my business?” She snapped at the Oji-san that barely came up to her hips.

The old man lifted his hand like he was about to hit her when Toshinori stepped in.

“Gran Torino, please Y/N’s shocked right now. There’s no need for that.” He grabbed her hand and took her away from the hospital.

They both stood outside as the cloudy weather and humid air swarmed to create a gloomy atmosphere. She sobbed in his embrace as he hugged her close.

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault. Shishou was protecting me. If only I was stronger then I could have saved her.”

Y/N could have blamed him, but there was no point because taking it out on her boyfriend would not bring her older sister back. So, she only hugged him tighter as if she was trying to prevent him from leaving her too.

●●●●●

Although, she should have known in hindsight that people who were meant to leave always did regardless of what you wanted. A month after nee-san’s death, Toshinori stuck close. But as timed passed, he no longer could afford to as he had to up his training to fight the villain that caused her last remaining family’s death. He was drifting farther and farther away despite her clinging to him. She felt helpless.

So, imagine her surprise when she saw Toshinori waiting for her at the Children’s home as she returned from school.

“Toshi! You’re here! This is a surprise!” she squealed with happiness and kissed his cheek quickly.

She looked around to see no one in the garden behind the facility and so she pressed her lips against his in haste.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she murmured only for him to relinquish her hold and step back. His action caused her to flinch and her heart to clench. Y/N had a terrible feeling, was someone else dead now too? Was it Kotaro? She only knew that her nephew was given up to adoption.

“Toshi? What’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

Toshinori only stared at the ground for a few minutes, his bangs hiding his face.

“Y/N, you and I have been together for a year and a couple of months, now right?”

She hummed an affirmative and shuffled closer to him only for Toshi to step back further.

“When I first saw you, I didn’t think we would make it this far. It wasn’t my intention. But we’ve come to care for one another. And I can’t lie to you anymore. I once told you I love you. And you told me the same, even now you look at me with expectations and love. I just can’t do this anymore. It would be wrong of me to lead you on like this.”

The words weighed upon her like someone was compressing her chest. Y/N suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe, her heart racing out of control.

“What are you saying? This doesn’t make sense just a few months ago you were telling me you loved me. Toshi, why are you lying to me? And why won’t you look at me!”

He looked up from the ground to reveal his vulnerable eyes. The same eyes that would showcase how much he cared for her. Now they were filled with fear, only to harden with determination.

“I’m not lying. I did love you months ago. But now that Shishou is gone and I’m left with her legacy. I need space and I need to grow. I don’t need someone who will cling to me and expect me to solve all her problems! You’re suffocating me and I can’t breathe around you. When you needed me months ago, I felt like I could make everything better for you. But now I know the truth that even heroes can’t save everyone-“

She interrupted his tirade with a choked sob and his face twisted with agony.

“Get out,” she whispered.

Just like all those months ago when Nana-neesan left her behind at this lonely place, Y/N hardened her heart once again.

“I said GET OUT! I don’t want to see your face again!” She screamed.

“Y/N, I—” He reached out to her.

“Don’t! I never asked for your help. I never asked for you to come save me. I was fine by myself then and I’m going to be fine now. So, I’m giving you your freedom. Get out, Yagi Toshinori.”

She waited a few minutes for him to leave, only he wasn’t. He kept staring at her with torment.

“Fine, I’ll do you one last favor because in the past we loved and respected each other.” With that, she left him in that back garden only to keep walking until that facility was out of sight.

●●●●●

Y/N realized years later that the people who leave and those who you leave behind don’t really disappear from your life. The experiences and memories she retained left their marks on her like a blueprint. So, she instead decides to fill those spaces with new passions and loves. Y/N graduated from college and eventually went on to become a teacher. She figured that either she could despair about the circumstances she was dumped with or she could turn it into an opportunity. 

While remaining under the custody of the prefecture she was able to get financial help to further her education and make something out of her life. All the while searching for her last kin, Kotaro. There were a few paper trails as to who exactly adopted her nephew, but they lead nowhere; she kept an eye out for any information regarding him.

As she moved on and created a life for herself, he eventually came back to Japan. Bursting into the scene as a top hero, it was hard to see him at first. But even that ache disappeared as his face cropped up on every single piece of merchandise possible. She even reluctantly bought an All Might ramen only because that was her favorite flavor and it happened to be endorsed by him.

But she never did expect to meet him face to face years later.

●●●●●

A villain cackled as the hostages and Y/N waited anxiously for a hero to rescue them. She was just minding her business, trying to deposit her usual check when this unfortunate incident happened. However, she didn’t realize that the more frightening individual was the man coming to rescue them. Not the low tier criminal. All too soon she heard his joy-filled laugh, it uplifted the spirits of those surrounding him and flooded her up with more regret.

‘I should have just stayed home. This could have waited till tomorrow.’ She couldn’t help but think.

When everyone else was rescued, she kept her head down trying to escape before he noticed her. There were like 50 other hostages hopefully they won’t notice. But luck was not on her side as an EMT called her over and began checking for signs of distress. Y/N only scowled with annoyance at the pestering man who seemed to realize she wasn’t too happy and was all too eager to let her go.

Unfortunately for her, she also got stopped by an officer who wanted to take a statement. Regrettably, Y/N couldn’t intimidate the officer into letting her go and with reluctance, she started answering her questions.

“Name, age, and occupation. And what you were doing at the bank?” The officer drawled.

“My name is L/N Y/N and I’m 26 years old. I’m an elementary school teacher and I was going to deposit my recent check when this event happened.”

The officer continued with her bored composure writing down the answers before letting Y/N go with a bow.

She sighed with relief and was about to step away when at the same time she saw All Might turn around after talking to a detective. The two looked across each other through the mayhem and made eye contact. Even from far away, she could see the way his eyes widened, and his jaw dropped in surprise. Her face paled and she quickly took off in any direction trying to avoid the man she hadn’t thought about in years.

Y/N ran for blocks, hightailing it in her heels. The awful shoes pinched and dug into her feet. But when she stopped to see no one pursuing she relaxed and thought that the pain was worth avoiding the awkward past.

Only for All Might to come flying through the city and landing unceremoniously in front of her.

‘This just isn’t my day is it?’ her thoughts spiraled as she longingly eyed the street behind the robust hero.

“Y/N! I’m so glad to see you! I’ve been looking for you, but you disappeared after graduating college,” he began.

“Well, that’s what happens when you don’t want people to find you. Toshinori, why were you looking for me? We aren’t friends and we didn’t end on a good note. There’s no need for happy reunions now are there? Excuse me,” she replied trying to bypass the hero.

He grabbed her hand to prevent her from leaving.

“Wait! That’s what I want to talk about. When I left, I said some horrible things to you and despite everything, I still care about you. I never should have said any of it to you especially knowing what you were going through.”

Y/N paused and listened to his words; she licked her dry lips nervously and wondered if his words held any merit now.

“Back then you lied, didn’t you? You were leaving for America and so you decided to pick up on my nee-san’s bad habit of lying and misleading people to protect them.”

She turned around to face him, the man that broke her heart all those years ago.

“H-how did you know?”

Y/N let out a weak chuckle. “I tracked him down. When we broke up and I eventually lost my pride. I came to find you and convince you to give us another chance. But the Oji-san told me you already left for America. And that’s when I knew you were lying. I suppose you learned from the best. She never told me the truth, you know? I never knew about the burden of One for All and I never knew about All for One. All this time I was kept in the dark and I had all these questions running through my mind. I’m not sure if the answers would have made me happier but I would have eventually understood. And she even took that away from me.”

Y/N finally took a close look at Toshi and noticed all the hard edges to his face. He was more mature, and his body was rippled with muscles. But his eyes were still the same. Those ocean eyes she loved so much.

He looked at her sadly and bowed deeply. “I’m sorry, Y/N. Please forgive me. I just wanted to keep you safe. I lost Shishou and I couldn’t lose you too.”

She felt embarrassed at the reverence Japan’s biggest hero was showing her, a nobody.

“Please, there’s no need for that. I’m not mad anymore. I’m happy for you, Toshi. And I’m happy for your success.”

He straightened up and gave her a wobbly smile that didn’t suit All Might. Y/N decided this emotional reunion was getting too much for her, she stepped around him once more. He once again grabbed her hand to prevent Y/N from leaving.

“Where are you going? We just met after so long.”

Y/N only smiled sadly at him.

“I’m tired of people lying to me and I’m tired of waiting for people to come back.”

He only looked confused and tried desperately to reassure her.

“I’m right here in front of you and I’ve come back.”

She placed her hand on top of his and slowly unraveled his fingers and his tight grip.

“You didn’t come back for me. Go become the symbol of peace like she wanted. I’ll be watching and cheering you on. Safe and sound from afar like you wanted, but just not with you.”

Toshinori was speechless for the first time since he appeared in front of her. His eyes’ shine now seemed a bit duller and suspiciously wet.

Y/N repeated his earlier gesture and bowed deeply to him with respect.

“Thank you so much and goodbye, All Might.”

He didn’t try to stop her that time and let her leave. As Y/N walked down that empty street and looked above to see the crescent moon shining brightly, she couldn’t help but think to herself that she was all grown up now and no longer needed Toshi or nee-san to feel whole.

[butgilinsky]

the last five years // rc

warning; language, angst if i’ve ever seen it, mentions sex one time

summary; rafe has to decide if the last five years with you is worth saving.

word count; 3k+

i was listening to if i didn’t believe in you from the musical the last five years and got this idea. so you could say it’s inspired by that song but kind of the whole musical? 

“i have to go, y/n!” it was the same argument the two of you had been having for the past year. 

rafe had some event he had to go to, according to him, in order to keep up his image at work. it looked good for business if he was always there, drink in his hand and bright smile adorning his lips. you knew it was truly just him wanting to go to these events rather than staying at home with you, or even going out with you, ditching the tie and blazer for one of his long sleeves and soft hair. 

you had met rafe in college, and it had honestly been a dream. the last five years of your life seemed to revolve around rafe and your relationship with him, and you liked it like that. for four years you had never had a doubt in your mind that you wanted all of rafe, all the time. 

you were fairly young when the tall, broad shouldered boy caught your eye. you had been going shot for shot with one of his fraternity brothers for the past twenty minutes, failing to suppress your drunken giggles for the past ten. 

his friend, admittedly, had no idea about your unusually high tolerance for the amber liquid he’d been pouring out for the both of you. he had no idea that you had three older brothers that had thrown house parties every time your parents went away for the weekend, which was a lot more often than most teenagers experienced. 

you had started drinking regularly with your brothers at an all too young age, finding it funnier now than you did back then. though the boys that protected you at all costs hadn’t peer pressured you into anything, you had made it your life mission to be able to hang with the older crowd that was almost always at your home. 

this did, however, set you up for college quite comfortably. you were never the sloppy one at a tailgate, and you’d never be the one that couldn’t walk home with her friends, no matter the mileage you had to endure. 

rafe had been astonished by the sight of you downing three shots back to back without making a single grimace. you had opened your throat, barely tasting the slight sting as the liquid flowed expertly. you didn’t need a chaser, and even let out a small smirk when the boy across the table from you coughed for someone to hand him anything to wash down the whiskey. 

“holy shit, y/n!” 

y/n. the name echoed in rafe’s mind as he watched the scene in front of him. most people in the house were watching, gathered around the half assed decorated table in the middle of the room. you had a smile spread across your face when your friend, who rafe didn’t know the name of, dropped his hands down on your shoulders and cheered along with your other supporters. 

“y/n has three older brothers, dumbass.” your friend, who rafe had seen a few times (he remembered one of his brothers talking to her at a party a few weeks prior), kissed your cheek drunkenly, which made your laugh fill the air around you. 

rafe was smitten before he even had a chance to introduce himself. though, you didn’t need an introduction. you knew the name, knew the face. you had looked over him a few times before, having been in his house a few times for the parties that were the solution to parties being forbidden in greek village. 

you hadn’t paid much attention to the boy until that night, locking eyes with him more than once. the last time you’d caught his eye without either of you making a move towards one another, still a few yards apart from one another, was when you winked at him from across the room before downing your sixth shot of the night. 

he had never felt his heart beat so fast in his entire life. 

the rest was history. rafe had never let you spend another party without slinging an arm around your shoulder for the majority of it. you’d never spent another night after a long, excruciating day by yourself. you were almost always with one another, and it seemed easy for the longest time. 

you had spent the first year and half of your relationship in college, both graduating together and finding your somewhat dream jobs in the same area. you’d gotten married young, and though none of your friends had been surprised, your family made no attempt to hide their hesitation. 

you knew about rafe’s home life. you didn’t spend much time on the island that rafe had grown up on, much to rafe’s satisfaction. you knew his family well enough, spending a few brunches and quick lunch hours with sarah after you two had grown heavily acquainted with one another. 

ward grew a liking to you, giving rafe proud smiles more often than he ever had before rafe had set off for college. you’d brought a sense of pride back to the forefront of his father’s mind, and for that, he’d be forever in debt to you. 

however, your seemingly picture perfect life didn’t stop the problems from developing. you had done everything you could think of to keep the bright spark between the two of you, but nothing seemed to be playing out in your favor. not after rafe’s company had completed a large merger that had been a turning point in rafe’s career. 

he was thriving, setting plans in stone that would snowball rafe into inevitable success. his large role in the merger had granted him a hefty raise, as well as a guaranteed spot in the company for many years to come. though this was a bright light in both of your lives, it required things from rafe that he had never expected to have to endure. 

he wasn’t home much. whether it was travelling on business trips across the country (sometimes even out of the country), or black tie events, rafe had been flooded with busy hours. hours that used to be dedicated to you, but no longer were. 

while you were happy for rafe in more ways than you could count, it was impossible to ignore the growing tension between the two of you. you hadn’t seen him for more than an hour after he’d arrive back at your shared home, usually opting for a shower before crawling into bed. 

to say it was weighing heavily on you would be an understatement. 

you’d tried to fix it before it got too far out of reach, trying to set up dates or nights in for the two of you to stay up to date with one another. that quickly failed, due to rafe’s required overtime, or intense need for sleep once he got back to the house. 

you had snowballed into a routine. you’d go longer than you’d like without seeing rafe, and while it weighed heavily on you, he had enough of a distraction to not pay much mind to it. and to top it all off, whenever you’d bring up these feelings, rafe would jump to his own defense, claiming that his career needed to be his number one priority. 

“you don’t need to go, rafe. you want to go.” your tone was harsh, but your heart was heavy. you’d felt your husband slipping through your fingers for longer than you’d ever wanted to before, and you were out of solutions. 

“sure, y/n. i want to go, let’s call it that. even if that was the case, it should be enough for you to understand that this means a lot to me. the fact that you can’t see that is a problem within itself.” your eyes focused on the tie he had been tying for the past ten minutes, getting repeatedly frustrated enough to make a wrong knot, or flip the piece of fabric over in the wrong direction. 

you stepped forward, closing teh gap between the two of you and reaching up to fix the knot he’d made. your fingers worked slowly, enough for you o notice the slight tremble in them as you worked the thin piece of silk around his neck. 

“i know it’s important to you. i just wish i was that important to you.” your voice was soft, exhaustion and defeat evident in your tone. 

it wasn’t the rafe didn’t notice that, because he did. despite beginning to slip away from you, he knew you better than anyone else ever had. he knew you better than you knew yourself at times, and barely anything ever slipped by him. he was the most observant person you’d ever met, and it worked to his advantage more than not. 

“you are important to me. you’re the most important thing to me, y/n, but i can’t put my career on pause to eat chinese food with you while we watch a movie we’ve seen a hundred times already.” you chewed on the inside of your cheek, letting your head fall into a slow nod while you smoothed the lapels on his jacket. 

“i’m not the most important think in your life, rafe. i haven’t been for a while, now.” you whispered softly, leaning up to kiss his cheek softly before making a turn towards the stairs leading up to your bedroom. 

“y/n, you don’t actually believe that.” he called after you, watching you pause in stride, sleep shorts riding up your thighs with every step enough to expose more of your legs than he’d seen in weeks. 

your shoulders had fallen, head falling. forward slightly as you let out a sigh through your nose. you turned over your shoulder as you reached out towards the railing up the side of the staircase. 

“if you don’t believe that, rafe, then we’re living in completely different worlds.” rafe shook his head, trying to ignore the worry filling his chest at the sight of you walking away from him to end your night before his even began. 

“baby, just come with me. i’ll stay by your side all night. a few conversations and maybe a couple glasses of champagne and we’ll come back home.” you shook your head, knowing that that had been nothing but an empty promise. 

“that’s not going to happen, rafe. we’re going to show up and you’ll be swept away from me before we can ever say hello to somebody. i’ll be whisked away by other wives and drink wine i don’t even like for hours before i see you again. nothing about this stupid event is different than the last ten we’ve been to.” rafe ran a hand over his face, frustration building back up quickly. 

“you know, i can’t slow down my career just to be in line with yours.” there it is. his go to defense mechanism. 

“i’ve never once asked you to slow down for me. all i ask is that you pay me more than one glance a week. more than one shared affirmation or kiss for days on end. i don’t even remember the last time we had sex, rafe. the last time you kissed me or even hugged me for fuck’s sake.” 

rafe stood there, tongue between his teeth as he tried to filter his thoughts. he didn’t remember, either, if he was being honest. he was exhausted by the time he got home, that he hadn’t even thought about any of those things. 

it was a lazy kiss to the forehead after a shower, before he’d roll over and fall into an easy sleep. a sleep that you couldn’t fall into with him. it was a quick ‘hi’ while you stood at the stove, making something he barely had an appetite for as he slipped into your shared room before changing out of his suit before you could even return the greeting. 

it was the lack of eye contact, or the smiles that were no longer shared between the two of you. it was the fact that the pictures on the wall and the heavy stone on your finger were the only reminders that you were even married to this man. the thought of being the same couple you had been just two years prior so distant that you thought you had dreamt the first three years of your relationship. 

the fourth year had been the transition year to where you had been now. it wasn’t the same high you’d felt back in college, or the first year you’d been married. it wasn’t the same, but it was good enough. the last year, however, had been the recipe for disaster. 

the last twelve months had been your worst nightmare coming to life just before your eyes. you were lost without rafe, truly. you didn’t know what you would do the day that one of you moved out, taking every sign of your relationship with you. the day was bound to come at some point, you were just waiting to see who would be the one that made the move to end this cycle for good. 

you were trying to wait it out, trying to see if he had the guts to pack up and leave. you knew you were a security blanket that rafe would deny having. you brought him a sense of warmth and comfort that he wasn’t sure he’d ever find again. he knew you’d love him endlessly for the rest of your days, even if the two of you split one day down the line. 

he knew that no matter what, he’d come home to a house with the porch light on, along with, at the very least, the stove light turned on so he could navigate the house. there’d be whatever food you’d made and hadn’t eaten yourself sitting in the fridge, plastic wrap over the top of the dish so it was still good by the time rafe got home. 

he knew that you would always set the coffee pot with everything it needed to brew at 5 in the morning, long before you’d wake on your own. rafe knew you’d always be here, and he took it for granted. 

you knew you couldn’t bring yourself to do it on your own. you didn’t have the stomach to pack your things while rafe was at work. you didn’t have the heart to call one of your brothers or parents, asking for help to move your things out of the home you’d bought not that long ago. 

your lives were too entangled together, creating enough ties that you worried about breaking. you were stuck in this life, and you were scared you’d never fall out of it. 

“i’ve never asked you to do that, rafe, and i never will. your career took off far faster than either one of us expected it to, and there’s not another person on this planet that’s happier for you than i am. i love with you my entire being, even if you don’t feel that way anymore.” 

he stepped forward then, walking over to stand in front of you, closer to your height now that you stood on the first step while he was level with the ground of the first story of your house. his hands found your waist, a solemn look on his face before he laid his head in the crook of your neck. 

he pressed a soft kiss to your neck, sighing out and staying still for a moment to soak in the almost unfamiliar feeling. your hand easily threaded into the hair on his head, fingers scratching gently at his scalp while he moved to wrap his arms around you. 

“i love you. i’m sorry you’ve ever had to doubt that.” he pulled his head back, titling it enough to press his lips evenly against yours, reigniting the fire inside of you that you thought might have been gone forever. “i love you more than i’ve loved anything in my entire life.” 

you’d be a fool to fall back into line with him. to ignore the past year as if it had never happened, and to move on without a second thought was a rookie move that you convinced yourself you’d never fall for. 

fortunately for rafe cameron, you were a fool for him. you loved the man so deeply and so absentmindedly that falling back into his embrace and convincing yourself there was still possibilities untouched was easier than breathing for you. 

“i can’t stay in this place forever, rafe. i’m suffocating and if i don’t get to breathe soon, i’m going to fall over the edge.” he nodded slowly, his eyes fluttering shut as he tried to let himself bask in your confession. you weren’t going to stick around forever if nothing changed. 

“i’m going to do better.” 

and though you weren’t sure you believed him, your desire for the simple words to come true was enough for you to sleep that night. it was enough to keep you hoping for weeks to come. 

you’d keep leaving the light on for rafe, even when you fell asleep on the couch accidentally, laptop still open on your lap and a half full cup of coffee sitting on the coffee table. 

except this time, rafe would come home and grab the cup, pouring the brown liquid down the sink and moving your laptop to the table before shutting it closed. he’d throw his jacket onto the back of one of the chairs tucked under the dining room table before looping an arm around your back and another underneath your knees. 

you’d wrap and arm around his neck in your sleep, nuzzling your head into his neck instinctively, though it was enough to bring a soft smile to rafe’s lips as he walked you up the stairs and into your bedroom. 

rafe cameron was going to get it together for you, because the last five years was too important to him to leave it all in his rear view mirror. 

[qjhughes]

for the taylor x reader thing (ps thanks sm for this 🥺🥺) : for peace maybe taylor having doubts ab the relationship ship bc of her lifestyle and reader comfort and reassuring her that its really what she wants

Pairing: Taylor Swift x Reader

Word Count: 1,974

Summary: Taylor thinks that she’s not worth it because of the hectic life she leads.

Warning(s): Taylor doubting the relationship, crying, reassurance, i think that’s it hehe

A/N: This is my first ever female character x reader, I really hope everyone enjoys! I don’t know how I feel about it but I definitely wanted to get this request done for this wonderful anon :)

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*

Our coming-of-age has come and gone Suddenly it’s summer, it’s clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near

She was a star, she ruled everything that she did. There was no way that she would ever be the one that you would end up with. Would she? 

You had met Taylor at a party that your brother had gotten invited to. He was a filmmaker, working in the industry. He got invited to a lot of these types of parties, but you had never wanted to go to one as badly as you had that night.

So, being the lovely brother that he is, he told you to get ready, he’d take you as his plus one.

You had accidentally bumped into Taylor that night, spilling her drink all over her dress - that definitely cost more than anything you had ever seen. 

She had rushed away to clean off, a blush apparent on her cheeks. 

You made the split decision to follow her, to help her clean off. At first, she had pushed you away, told you that there was no need to help her.

You had almost stopped then, walked away and never looked back. But there was something about her that didn’t let you do that.

After you helped her that night, you had exchanged numbers. There were periods of time when you’d talk regularly after then, but every time that she would open up to you, she’d push you away.

You came to understand that would be a constant with her.

And it’s just around the corner, darlin’ ‘Cause it lives in me

You came to realize that there was a part of her that would always take a step - or ten - back when she thought she was getting too close. There was a part of her that was afraid of ruining everything good in her life. That made fear that she was the reason that any relationship she would come to have would fall apart.

No, I could never give you peace

She was convinced that she would never get to be happy, that she would push everyone away because of the life that she lived. 

You tried over and over again to ensure her that it would be different with you, that no matter what, you’d be there for her, but there was something in her that never wanted to listen.

Which led to where you were now, having the same conversation for the thousandth time.

But I’m a fire and I’ll keep your brittle heart warn If your cascade, ocean wave blues come

“Taylor, baby, you make me so happy, you make everything better.” You assure her, trying to get her to see the truth in the situation. “You are the light that makes the darkness go away. You make me smile when I’d really rather not, when nothing else in the entire world can. All I have to do is this about you and my mood is instantly better.” She’s standing across the room from you, retreating yet again. You walk over to her, reaching out to embrace her, but she pulls away before your skin can even come in contact with hers.

All these people think love’s for show But I would die for you in secret

“Yeah, you say that, but that’s not what everyone else says!” She yells, shocking you. She usually tries to ignore what everyone else says about her relationships. “They say you look miserable, that you’re just doing it for the exposure.” She looks as if she’s about to cry, and you can feel the tears welling up in your eyes as well.

“Do you believe them?” You mutter, not bothering to yell back. You learned a long time ago that yelling did nothing but prolong the already lengthy conversation.

“Of course not, I just feel like you’re getting dragged through the mud too.” You’ve heard the same thing time and time again. She always tells you how dating her will end up dragging you down just as far as the media has with her.

“I don’t care if my reputation is so tarnished that it can never be saved, if I’m honest. I love you because you’re you, not because you’re Talor Swift.” You run your hands through your hair, waiting for her to move towards you again. “I would have still fallen for you if you had never released a song, if you had never made it big. I would still love you if you didn’t have a penny to your name.”

She looks up at you, having been avoiding your gaze.

The devil’s in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

“You’re the only person that I’d ever want, regardless of your name in the industry. You, as a person, are the most amazing human being that I have ever met.” You continue, trying to convince her that you really mean it. You’re not in this for the money or the fame or the exposure. You’re in it because you fell hopelessly in love with her.

“You’ll never get the privacy, the peace, that you deserve.” She sighs, wanting you to have the best in life, nothing less.

“I don’t care, baby. I don’t need it if it means that i can’t have you.” You can tell that nothing you say is making her any less stubborn on the topic. 

Your integrity makes me seem small You paint dreamscapes on the wall

“It’s not even just that anymore, Y/N. You take everything so well, never blowing up or seeming less put together at all. You just let things roll off of your shoulders. Most of the time you even make situations better than they were.” She takes a step closer, but you make no move towards her, not wanting to move too fast and have her pull away again. “I could never be like that.”

“What do you mean? You are like that, you brighten everything!” You try yet again to get her to realize that she’s done nothing wrong here, but she still won’t accept the fact.

I talk shit with my friend, it’s like I’m wasting your honor And you know that I’d swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches

“I may act all cool and confident when I’m in public, but you know me, Y/N. I come right home and say all kinds of stuff about whoever riled me up. You don’t do that. You don’t let it get to you. The worst that you’ve ever done is tell someone to have a nice day without really meaning it! That’s how sweet you are! That’s not me, no matter how much I want it to be!” She’s back to yelling, her emotions getting the best of her.

You stay quiet, knowing for sure that she isn’t finished.

“I’d do anything for you, and you know that, right?” You nod your head, letting her know that she’s correct. “No matter what, I’d do anything that you asked me to do. I’ll be with you through the good and the bad, as long as you’ll let me. I’d give you anything.”

Give you wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other

She takes a moment to compose herself, trying to get the tears to subside. “I’d give you anything that you ever asked for, anything that you could ever want.”

That’s when you speak up again, “You already do give me everything I want, just by you agreeing to be mine! Don’t you get that?” She stays silent and you know that she’s still doubting it, still thinking that the things that you have to go through to be hers isn’t worth it.

Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother

“You’re a part of me, Taylor, you’re the love of my life. You’re my family. You’re family to my brother, to my mom, to everyone around me. None of us mind that you lead a hectic lifestyle, we’ve adjusted.” You say, pleading for her to understand that she means the absolute world to you.

Is it enough?

“You shouldn’t have to, though! You and your family and friends shouldn’t have had to adjust anything for me! That’s why I’m so upset about it. You had to change everything for this and now everyone drags you for it. You don’t deserve that. It would’ve been easier if we had never met.” She’s sobbing now, trying to hold them back, but failing just as much as you are.

But there’s robbers to the east, clowns to the west I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best

“There’s always going to be someone that has something to say, baby. That doesn’t matter! You’re who I want to be with, no matter what. I don’t mind that I had to adjust for you, I’d have to do so in any relationship. These things take compromise, love, you know that.” 

Of course she knows that, she’s had to compromise every relationship she’s ever been in due to the media. And you understood that, completely got why she was so worried about losing you. She had lost everyone before you because of the way things were portrayed.

But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standin’ with me

“It’s never going to get any better, Y/N. It’ll probably only get worse, if I’m being honest. It’s okay if you don’t want to deal with that. You can leave, I’ll be okay.” You completely freeze. What was she saying? You’d never leave.

But I’m a fire and I’ll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade, ocean wave blues come

“I’m not leaving. I love being with you.” You try to get her to look in your eyes but she refuses, too busy scuffing her shoes on the floor and watching them.

All these people think love’s for show But I would die for you in secret The devil’s in the details, but you got a friend in me

“Why aren’t you leaving? I’m giving you an out, why aren't you taking it?” She asks, and the look of confusion in her eyes breaks you heart.

Did she really think that you were going to leave?

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

“Taylor, I don’t want an out. I want you. I want you for the rest of my life, baby.” You say, taking the few steps needed to get to her and wrapping your arms around her.

She falls into them, and you gladly support her weight.

“So, me not being able to give you the peace and the privacy that you deserve is fine?” She sniffles into your neck.

“Yes, love bug, it’s completely fine, as long as I have you.” You run your hand through her hair, letting your digits caress her scalp in a soothing manner.

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

“And the fact that we’ll never get a real date?” She mumbles.

“We have real dates all the time. Just because we don’t go out doesn’t mean we can’t have our little nature dates.” You assure her.

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

“And even though you’ll always have things said about you?” A new round of sobs threaten to wrack through her body at this, and you quickly calm her.

“I’ll go through it all if I have you by my side. I love you, Taylor.” You pull her tighter into you.

“I love you, too.” She says, finally realizing that she’s all that you want.

Permanent Taglist -  @spideygirl2003, @jackiehollanderr, @scarletsoldierrr, @thewayilookatbacon, @parker-barnes-af, @lost-in-the-stars03, @kisses-holland, @josiemara, @god-knows-what-am-i-doing, @fanficscuziranout @babebenhardy @write-from-the-heart, @slytherinambitious, @miraclesoflove @tomshufflepuff, @quaksonhehe, @a-different-brand-of-beans, @akila-stilinski

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #442

“the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?”

Would you ever sell your soul? No. Do you believe that something is going to happen in 2012? Welp, clearly not. I never believed it. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'd love to! When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Uhhh not since I visited Sara, I think. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Loud, for sure. Louder than I should listen to. Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo? No. What’s the last song you heard? "The Bird and the Worm" by The Used. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? No. What are you most likely to do when you’re exhausted; take a nap, drink some coffee, or go for a run to get yourself pumped up again? Naps definitely win. What are you most likely to pick if you got to choose your topic on a research paper; drug abuse, mental illness, or the death penalty? Mental illness, for sure. What is your favorite month of the year and why? October, bc aesthetic. What’s your least favorite animal? Probably wasps. They're mean fuckers that kill bees. What was your class song when you graduated? Some super shitty country song. Have you ever had to spend the night outside (not camping)? No. What`s the scariest living animal that you`ve petted? A tarantula, I'd say. She was a sweet rose hair that I literally did pet, which you absolutely should not do to tarantulas, but I knew nothing about them at the time. The urticating hairs on their abdomens cause serious itching, and I tell ya, that sure happened. So did you play old school Nintendo or Atari or Sega? If so which one? We had an old Atari for a long time. When/where did you meet your first love? In the hallway, during my sophomore year of high school. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? Hm, what qualifies as "regularly," really? I don't like my sister's husband, who I see semi-regularly, but I don't really talk to him. Does your family eat any unique foods for Thanksgiving that aren’t the norm? If so, what are they? Nah, not that I can think of. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor? Milk; I don't like it with water. I only eat the apples and cinnamon kind. Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video? If not, what was it of? It's a let's play. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after? Yes, and I still love it. What was the last book you had to read for school? Did you enjoy it, or were you just trying to get through? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I loved it. Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery? If so, how much did they win? Would/have you ever play(ed) the lottery? No to both questions. I have a very addictive personality, so I don't really mess with dangerous things that might tempt that behavior. What band/celebrity/etc. do you know the most information about? Who would you like to learn more about? Markiplier, ha ha. As for who I'd like to know more about... hm. Have your friends met the last person you kissed? Girt has. Who has made the biggest difference in your life? Jason. You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? Also Jason. -_- What is the name on your birth certificate (feel free to withhold your last name for privacy reasons)? Brittany Marie is all you need to know. Even if shopping isn’t your favorite... every girl has a favorite store. What’s yours? My favorite physical store is Hot Topic, but my favorite store overall is Rebel's Market, which I'm pretty sure is just an online source. Which type of undies do you wear most: Thongs, bikini/briefs, bootyshorts, or granny panties? Don't you dare laugh, I prefer "granny panties" lmfao. They're what I'm comfortable in, okay. How many nail polishes do you have, if you were to take a guess? *I* have none. Idk about Mom, but I know not a lot. Are you on birth control? Do you use condoms? I use birth control to regulate my period and ease cramps. If I was sexually active though, both would be musts for me. When did you start your period? How did you react? Who did you tell first? When I got home from school sometime in middle school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was EXTREMELY upset. Like, I cried, because I didn't feel like a kid anymore. My mom was the first to know. Have you ever had sex while on your period? If so, would you ever do it again? NO NO NO NO THAT SOUNDS SO GROSS LKASDFJ;AJW;LKERJA;WEJLRKQWLKE;JR. Which way do you swing (boys, girls, or both)? I'm bi. Or pan. I really don't know. Tell me ALL about your longest/most serious relationship. Are you still in that relationship? How about I don't, because doing that I'm sure will send me in a PTSD spiral. No, we're no longer together. Who is your ALL TIME best friend (don’t count your boyfriend, either, silly!)? Sara. I don't think I've been as close with any other best friend. Which one of your friends has the best singing voice? SARAAAAAAAAAAA. What shade are you in foundation or concealer? I don't have a clue. I don't wear either. Have you ever showered with someone? Boy or girl? Were you completely naked? "Were you completely naked." No, I shower with underwear on. I've showered with my little sister as well as my best friend as a kid. I've never shared a shower as an adult and don't want to. Do you think you’re good enough for the person you like? No. Are you a cuddler or no? If I'm really into you, YUP. And if it's not hot. Wouldn’t it be kinda annoying to have to share a bed every night? No. I miss it sometimes. Have you ever walked on a beach at night? Yes. It's beautiful. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Pretty easily, yeah. Would you marry someone you didn’t love if you were paid 10 thousand dollars? No. I just wouldn't be able to stomach doing that. I'm solely marrying for love. Have you had sex today? I haven't in many years. Do you still care about your last ex? Very very much! Do you own more then one bathing suit? Nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Yeah, but none I like. Who have you recently made up with after fighting? Nobody. Who do you WANT to make up with? Jason. Megan. Do you get scared easily? Hm. It really depends on the situation. Have you seen UP? Never the full movie, actually. I need to. How many coats of mascara do you use? I use it so rarely that I barely know. Two, maybe? What’s your favorite bracelet? The one Sara gave me. I used to always wear it, but it's worn down with time and is too loose for me now, so it's just with my jewelry. What color hair does your mom have? It's naturally gray now, but she dyes it black. Favorite song to listen to when you are mad? "Headache" by Motionless In White does it. What restaurant would you want to work at? NONE. I ain't working with hungry people. I don't want to work with people - period. When people ask “how are you?” do you say “good” even if you aren’t? Depends on who's asking. If it's a stranger or someone I barely know, odds are I'm just going to reply with "fine" or something like that. Were you honestly a good kid? Yes. Is anything wrong with your eyes? I have to wear glasses, so. Have you kissed or hugged anyone today? No. What is your mom’s and dad’s favorite TV show? I don't really know for either. Mom watches loads of shows, and I don't live with Dad, so. I know he really likes The Big Bang Theory, though, which Mom also loves. Have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair? No, but ~supposedly~, Dad did with his now-wife. I don't know what the fuck is true between my parents, though. Do you think buying second hand clothes is gross? It depends on the type of clothing (ex., used underwear is a huge fucking no), as well as the state it's in. Does it gross you out when your parents kiss? They're divorced. That would be incredibly weird, uncomfortable, and impossible with how I know at least Mom feels towards Dad. Do you have a playlist made on YouTube? Yeah, multiple. Do you like dollar stores? I mean, sure? They have good deals occasionally and are a good option to stop for a quick snack or something. Mom doesn't actually *shop* in them, though. What’s the last thing you bought from one? I think a honeybun. Do you think it’s weird how babies are made? Well, yeah. Science can be crazy, though. Have you ever lost a friend over the opposite sex? No. Are you comfortable in a short skirt? I wouldn't be comfortable in ANY skirt. Do you and your family go on a vacation ever year? We essentially never do. Vacations cost money. We don't have money to spare. When you were going out with your last ex and you had the chance to date your celebrity crush, would you have left your bf/gf for them? No, because it's not like I know him personally, while I know her very deeply. Who was your most romantic moment with? Jason. Do you sweat easily? Like you wouldn't BELIEVE. A side effect of one (or even multiple) of my meds is hyperhidrosis, so I can sweat an ocean in two minutes, it seems. It's disgusting, and I am so self-conscious about it. What’s one memory you wish would just vanish? Just a specific moment with Jason that is particularly agonizing to recall. Are you in love with someone? No. Partying or watching a movie? Partying isn't my thing. I'd have more fun watching a movie with friends. What pisses you off the most? Child molesters/rapists, probably. Where do you want to be at a year from now? I just want a job by then, dude. I also hope I've lost a lot of weight. Do you like pickles? Only dill pickles. If you saw someone broken down on the side of the road, would you stop to help? Honestly, no. I don't trust people. What do you do with your plastic grocery bags after you unload your things? We put our plastic bags into one big bag for later use. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Yes. How often do you use Flickr? I don't. I only ever check my friend's for meerkat photos, ha ha. Share three nice memories you have of the person you fell hardest for. No, unless you want me to cry. Have you ever made any of your friends cry? Not deliberately of course, but yes. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? God no, I look high. Out of all the guys you know, who would you trust to not cheat on you? Girt. I know he never would, especially because HE'S been cheated on. How do you plan on disciplining your children? NOT by physical means, I can tell you that much. If I actually had kids, I'd teach them through (hopefully) primarily deeply talking things out. If need be, there'd be time out, grounding, things like that. I do NOT support methods like spanking your kid, so that's a big no. If you could live in another country, would you? What country? Yes; Canada. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Quinn, probably. What’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have? It's a tie between depression and anxiety. What is your cure for hiccups? NOTHING works for me. It's the worst. Did you ever do anything in class that annoyed other students? I mean, I don't think so. Have you used a Ouija board and had a freaky experience with it? I've never messed with one, and I don't want to. I don't know if I believe in their supernatural abilities or not, but I ain't fuckin around and finding out. Do you stick with a political party, or vote for who you like best? I pick based on their policies and morals, not necessarily their party. Do you know anyone who is an albino? No. Word search or crossword puzzle? Word searches. When you watch a game show, do you like to see people win or lose? Aw, who wants to see them lose? It's great to see people win and be so excited. Do you have a pair of fake redneck, vampire, etc. teeth? No. What is your favorite Pixar film? Finding Nemo. Do you get really mad when you lose a game? Not at all. I'm not very competitive, and games are about having fun. When was the last time you used a pay phone? I actually don't think I ever have. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Jason. Do you go to church every Sunday? I never go to church as I'm not religious. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? Who the fuck cares. If they're comfortable and at least have a shirt on, let 'em. Most women have breasts, big whoop. Do you even like politics? God no. What’s it like at raves? Oh god, I'd never go. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? lol yes

[realmadridfamily]

“The four boys are so different that I don't miss the girl”

EIGHT weeks after the birth of little Máximo Adriano, the youngest of her four children with footballer Sergio Ramos, Pilar Rubio is more radiant than ever in a spectacular photo shoot in Portugal for ¡HOLA! "I wanted to get back to activity" - says the presenter. Despite the energy and professionalism, which she always shows, Pilar quickly recognizes the lack of sleep in the last few weeks, in which she combines childcare with the attention she gives to the rest of the family - which she doesn't neglect even from a distance. There is no doubt that Pilar is a supermom, which he confirms when he tells us about his physical recovery and motherhood in the midst of a pandemic. Pilar, how are you feeling? Very good, really. I can't ask for more, although I don't sleep much and I'm more tired than usual. There are nights when I think: <Mother of God, four children! Why hadn't I thought about it before?> (laugh). There are days when things get a little overwhelming for me because lack of sleep makes you see things differently. But I'm so happy that it fills me up and gives me energy. It's the first time that you separate from Máximo Adriano? A day and a half passed. It's difficult for me to separate myself from my children, but I have constant contact with them thanks to video calls. How is the little one? He's super good, he never cries. The only thing is that, like his brothers, he eats regularly. It takes a long time. Now he asks for a couple of takes at night, but the first weeks he slept an hour or nothing. It sounds harsh, really. I learned to be more patient and accepting situation. No need to complain. It was a natural childbirth? Yes, all four childbirths were natural. Whose idea was it to call the little boy Máximo Adriano? Sergio liked the name Adriano more and I liked the name Máximo more. Since both names are cute, we decided to put them together. This is a deep story (laughs). How did the older brothers accept Maximo Adriano? Alejandro, who was the youngest until Máximo Adriano's birth, has become a little more rebellious. Try to get attention. But this is normal. Sergio Junior and Marco don't feel the competition because they are older. They all love him very much, they kiss him, but then all three play with each other. Is there an intention to baptize him? This is not in our plans for now. We also didn't baptize others. It will turn out later. With this fourth child, will you and Sergio Ramos close the limit? No more children! We've definitely closed the limit (laughs). I think we did our best for the birth rate (laughs). You wanted a girl? The four boys are so different that I don't miss the girl. I have a great time with my sons. Do you have nannies? My mother is now at home with children. After four pregnancies, you look spectacular. It's a matter of good habits and keeping them, whether you are pregnant or not. Actually, there aren't many secrets. You need to be aware of your body and listen to it. Discipline is also important, but I don't want it to sound negative. You have to enjoy the routine. When you see the effects, it's worth taking care of yourself. How much weight did you gain with pregnancy? Only ten kilos. In the remaining three, fourteen. During my last pregnancy, I gained less weight because I used more energy with three kids. Apart the baby (Maximo Adriano weighed three hundred and seventy kilos at birth) the placenta and the amniotic fluid … That's four or five kilos. Then the body evolves rapidly. Now, I’m at my usual weight, even if it's distributed in a different way (laughs). Therefore, you have to train and tone. Which part costs you more to return to its original state? I have breastfed my four children and haven't had breast surgery. The breast suffers a lot with each pregnancy and, above all, with breastfeeding. I've noticed that this has changed and no matter how much I train, I can't fix it. If you ever think about it, you can always resort to aesthetic medicine ... Not yet ... I want to wait a moment. At least see how my body is evolving. If I had to make up my mind tomorrow, I wouldn't change it, but I would go back to what it was like before I became a mom. There are "celebrities" who recover almost by magic right after giving birth, and some who talk about surgeons. Have you heard that about yourself? It makes me laugh! Whoever says this is completely ignorant and should ask the doctor if it's possible to operate the bowel after giving birth. It's contraindicated. If you've had a bad diet, a sedentary lifestyle, and gained twenty-five kilos, recovery costs you more. But if you stick to your routine, it doesn't have to cost that much. Do you see the pressure some women feel to regain their body? Whose pressure? No way! At work, they always told me to come back whenever I wanted. I set pressure or goals for myself. Moreover, if someone pressured me, I didn't care. First, I would be worried if everything is alright. When do you train sports? You get up early? At seven or eight in the morning. Is it possible with four children? Yes, if I don't train, I don't have enough energy to get through the day. Seriously. It seems the opposite, but it keeps me active for the day. Besides, exercises in the afternoon make me lazy. Taking care of myself, being aware of my body and what it needs helps me be more determined and have more energy. When I start training, everything is beneficial and I enjoy. I also tell you that we all have our days (laughs). But even on days when I don't rest well and sleep for two or three hours, I get up to train. Even if I'm a little lazy, I feel much better. How much time do you dedicate to sport? One hour a day, four or five days a week. Sixty percent is food and forty percent is exercise and rest. What exercises do you practice? I recently gave birth and I can't do anything that is very aggressive or hitting the ground, so I do pelvic floor and hypopressive exercises. Also breathing exercises and stretching. I go step by step. With who do you train? Usually with Noe Todea, my personal trainer. Now, that I'm recovering from the birth, also with Caroline Correia, the physical therapist with whom I wrote the book "Pregnancy, and now what?". When I recover, I want to take off my orange kickboxing belt. I've been doing this for fourteen years, though occasionally because of pregnancy. I also want to come back to "country" dance classes. When I was little I lived with my parents in Torrejón and there was a lot of "country" culture because of the American base. Your husband also works his body hard. Don't you train together? Each of us has our own specific training, tailored to our own needs. We can be in the gym at the same time, but not training together. Do you follow any diet? I try to eat balanced. Maybe I avoid foods that aren't good, like wheat. You shouldn't spend every day on industrial baking. But there are times to enjoy everything without feeling guilty. We train and work all day to pay ourselves these little tributes later. You are radiant in photos, but when it comes to showing off your body, you feel modest. Not at all. I never thought about it (laughs). This is something I have always done and it's part of my profession. Why should I be ashamed? Which part of your body do you like to emphasize during photo sessions? The shoulders and clavicles, which seem like a very feminine part to me and I like to mark them. Also the look, although it depends on the context and style. Do you have complexes? A lot! Like everyone else. My feet are very long. Also hands. I look at my feet and think, "How long!". But, what foot size do you wear? Thirty nine. It's a normal. But I look at them and see long feet. I try to work on the rest of my body to avoid complexes. How did you spend the summer? We spent a week in Mallorca. We spent the rest of the time, from March, at home. When I came to Mallorca it was like a trip to another world! So it was a gift and we liked it very much. Were you afraid to travel during the pandemic? No way. I have respect, but when you are responsible then no problem. I'm not afraid or panicking before going out on the street. Not at all. During lockdown, you and Sergio could enjoy children much more. It was very nice to be together for twenty-four hours all the time. Moreover, during those weeks in lockdown, we all slept together in the same room. How is Sergio as a father? He is very affectionate and loving. He has always loved children and plays a lot with them. Do you share responsibilities? We don't strictly separate responsibilities. Depends on the day.   Have the children already gone back to school? Yes, but I was afraid they might wear the mask wrong. The only one who should wear it's my eldest son, six years old, but the others see and imitate their brother. Do any of your sons have football player skills? You have to ask their father because I have no idea about football. My children play with everything: ride motorbikes, play football, jump, ride on wheels, karate, judo, tennis ... They practice everything. They still research everything and see where their limitations are. In addition to Máximo Adriano, another new member has appeared in the Ramos family: the son of your brother-in-law René Ramos with singer Lorena Gómez. Is she asking for your advice? Lorena is a very prepared and super determined woman. Cares very well for the baby. She is delighted and super happy. Why are people surprised by your friendship with Vania Millán? Vania is a very special person and one of my close friends. Lorena is René's girlfriend. They have nothing to do with each other. People try to find controversy where there is none. Lorena is charming and has already made it clear that there is no confrontation. On the contrary, we get along very well. When they tell me or read something about it, I laugh. We know what our life is and luckily we are three super happy women. Vania and I get along very well and we love each other very much. Of course Lorena too. Are you planning any new projects? I continue working on "El Hormiguero" and designing. There were also several advertising proposals.

[smkkbert]

Time for a story - Broken Arrow

Of all the windows she could see from the front of the building there was only light behind a single one of them. That told Felicity everything that she needed to know.

With large steps, she crossed the distance towards the steps and hurried upstairs. Michael and Joe, the two night guards were standing in front of the doors, smoking a nightly cigarette. As soon as Michael, the older of the two, saw her, he stubbed out his cigarette and held the door open for her.

“Good evenings, Mrs. Queen.”

“It’s rather a good night,” Felicity replied with a tired smile, “good evening to you too.”

When she stepped through the open door, she looked at Michael. He didn’t seem willing to follow her inside for the usual security check. She perked up her eyebrows at that, but he just waved it off.

“If you wanted to kill your husband, I’d assume you did it at home.”

“Very true,” Felicity replied, “which is why I will get him home now.”

“About time.” Joe, who was still standing next to the ashtray, took a puff of his cigarette. “He’s going to work himself to death otherwise.”

Felicity nodded her head in agreement before she turned away and headed towards the stairs. Joe’s words were still echoing in her head. She knew that he was right. Oliver was going to work himself to death if he continued the way he was handling things right now.

It had been a week since Starling City had been shaken by another earthquake. Again, the Glades had been hit the most. Again, buildings had collapsed and buried people beneath them for hours until they had been found. Again, people had died. Again, a Queen family member was taking responsibility for it.

This time, the Queen Family wasn’t to blame though.

Felicity shook her head slightly when she turned into the hallway which led to Oliver’s office. He was probably brooding over papers that told him the number of casualties and critically as well as slightly injured people the earthquake had caused or how much it would cost to fix the damage. Maybe, he was even reading some of those stupid articles that stated how the damage could have been minimized.

It was stupid, Felicity thought to herself and shook her head once more, how easily the Queen Family or at least Oliver had been blamed for the consequences of the earthquake. Felicity got that the people living in the Glades were putting their blame on him because they needed somebody to blame. That high-ranking politicians of the city were doing so wasn’t fair though.

Oliver hadn’t done anything wrong. He had optimized the earthquake warning machines and the fitting protocol regularly. He had handled the critical hours and days after the earthquake well. He had even gone out there and helped people in person because he hadn’t just been reacting to the earthquake as mayor but also as a good human being that cared about this city deeply. There was nothing that Oliver could blame himself for.

Still, in those eight days since the earthquake, Oliver hadn’t come home. She hadn’t seen him at all except from the few video calls they had had. No call, with or without video, had lasted longer than ten minutes though. Oliver had always been busy.

After eight nights that Oliver had caught little to no sleep, Felicity had decided that enough was enough. Somebody had to stop him. Who would do it if Felicity wasn’t going to do it?

The door to Oliver’s office was opened slightly. Felicity knew that he usually liked to have it closed because the many noises from the hallways were distracting him. Oliver heard a lot better than most people. His years in hell had trained him to have his eyes and ears open for any possible danger, and he was almost unable to switch that off now. If Oliver had left the door open, he must had been deep in thought because he even closed it when nobody was there.

Felicity put her flat hand against the door and pushed it open. Oliver was sitting behind his desk. The jacket of his suit was put over the backrest of his leather chair. He had opened the first two buttons of his shirt and he had rolled up the sleeves. His hair was tousled as he had probably torn it again and again. Although Felicity couldn’t see his face, she was sure that it looked tired if she got to take a look at it.

That Oliver didn’t notice her standing in the door told Felicity how deep in thought he was. He was hypervigilant most times, so his lack in attention said a lot about his current mental state.

When Felicity cleared her throat, Oliver flinched. He ripped his head back, looking at her with threatening eyes that grew a lot warmer once he realized that it was her standing there and nobody else. A long sigh of relief fell from his lips in one moment, be he already frowned worriedly the next.

“Are the kids alright?”

“Not really, no,” Felicity replied, stepping into his office and approaching his desk slowly, “because they haven’t seen their father in a week.”

Oliver sighed once more, closing his eyes. He kept them closed for a long moment, pinching his nasal bridge. He was shaking his head softy.

Felicity watched Oliver. Seeing his face, he looked even more exhausted than she had assumed from what she had seem from the door. The shadows under his eyes were almost black. His eyes were small and slightly swollen. He hadn’t shaved, so his stubble had actually grown a lot thicker.

Eventually, Oliver rested his head back and looked at Felicity with tired eyes. Smiling sadly, Felicity lifted her hand and put it to Oliver’s cheek. He leaned his face into her touch instantly. His nose pressed against her wrist, breathing her in.

When his eyes locked with her the next time, there was an almost defeated expression in them. He knew that she wouldn’t let him get away with what had happened the last week easily. She wouldn’t just let him apologize and come home with her. They both knew that Oliver wouldn’t be able to relax until he had got everything off his chest.

Nodding his head slightly, Oliver straightened up a little. His hands moved over the mess of papers on his desk. He pulled some of the closer, while pushing others away and even trashing some. Felicity waited patiently.

“So, our priority is to make sure that the people who have lost their homes. Some of them are living with friends and family. Others are still in the emergency homes. I have bought some multifamily homes in the names of Starling, so everyone can move into provisory homes by the end of the next week. I have also made sure that the building companies that are assigned to rebuilt the collapsed buildings are supported.”

Felicity could see that Oliver was calming down as he talked to her. She guessed that everyone had been so busy with their own assignments in handling this crisis that Oliver hadn’t had many people to talk with aside from the daily meetings that had taken place. Oliver needed someone to tell him that he was doing great and doing everything he could though. John usually did that for him, but he was handling crisis management in regards to some crime issues and currently out of town for that.

“Apart from that, the need for psychological help has grown immensely. The new earthquake has triggered the old trauma that a lot of people still have after the Undertaking. I have located two advice centers for people in need.”

Still listening to everything Oliver told her, Felicity got up from the desk. She walked around him to take position behind him. Her hands moved to his shoulders, massaging them. She could feel the tight knots that had built in his muscles.

“I have already visited some of the patients that are currently treated at Starling General,” Oliver continued to explain, “and there are problems with taking care of the family’s children in six cases. I have managed to shelter all these kids with responsible local families, so neither of them had to be given into the care of child protective service and- oh my god.”

When Felicity dug her fingers tightly into some particularly hard tension in Oliver’s muscles, his eyes rolled back into his head before they fluttered shut. He leaned more and more back, pressing his tight back into the touch of her fingers. His head fell back onto the backrest of his chair. His fingers grabbed her wrists, keeping her hands exactly where they were.

“Sleeping on the couch is not good for you.”

“I have slept on worse.”

Felicity knew exactly what Oliver had been going through in the years that had followed the Gambit’s shipwreck. Sleeping on cold ground had been the least of his problems back then. It did offer a quite visual impression of what he must have gone through though.

With a sigh, Felicity wrapped her arms around Oliver’s shoulders from behind and leaned her face against his. Oliver moved his cheek against hers a couple of times.

“You are doing great,” Felicity whispered with her lips brushing against his ear, tightening her arms around him, “the best anyone could.”

Felicity knew that Oliver wouldn’t exactly agree with her. He knew that he was doing well, but he was always looking for ways to improve. He was that kind of person, always aiming for more even if he was doing great already.

“You have to relax now,” Felicity told him with soft voice and kissed the shell of his ear, “because you can only do more of the good things you already have been doing when you are relaxed and energized to do so.”

Oliver sighed, snuggling his head against the side of her face once more. When he turned his head, he brushed a featherlight kiss against the corners of her lips.

“I am not sure that I can relax then.”

Pulling back slightly, Felicity watched Oliver’s face. She could see that he meant it. He had honest doubt that he could relax. He wanted to because he knew how important it was to her and to him too, but he didn’t know if he could. There were too many things stuck in his head and too many thoughts making his stomach tighten.

“Back-up plan then.”

“Back-up pl- hm…”

The moment Felicity stepped around his chair and dropped her coat to the floor, the words died on Oliver’s lips and he hummed instead. His right eyebrow perked up slightly while he was letting his gaze travel down her body. She was only wearing one of his shirts, panties and her shoes since she had already been in bed when she had decided that it was time to get her man home.

“I figured that if you couldn’t be convinced easily,” Felicity said slowly, straddling his lap and pressing the juncture of her legs against where he was already growing hard in his pants, “if I came with good arguments.”

“I am already convinced.” Oliver put his hands to her hips, pulling her even closer and rubbing his hips against hers. “My body could need some motivation to pass out though, and we both know what happens after sex.”

Felicity chuckled, knowing exactly what he was referring to. Oliver usually passed out within ten minutes after sex. If he had to, he could delay his death-like sleep until night, but sex always made him quite tired. Hopefully, it would help him here too.

“It’s going to be my pleasure to help you relax.”

With that, Felicity leaned forward and captured Oliver’s lips in a kiss. It started out slow and gentle. It was a sweet way of welcoming each other back. There were no words needed for both of them to understand that they loved each other and had missed each other terribly. They hadn’t spent a week apart in like forever.

Soon, their kiss grew into more though. Their lips opened to the touch of each other’s tongues. They danced together slowly and intimately. Felicity’s hips shifted closer against Oliver’s in response. They picked up a rhythm of their own, thrusting against Oliver’s hips at the same time that her tongue stroked against his.

Their rocking movements spurred them. Oliver’s hands moved from Felicity’s hips over her legs to her knees. From there, they started a slow path up her legs again. They pushed the hem of his shirt up her body, getting them out of the way for the touch of his hands.

His touch felt so good, Felicity thought to herself and thanked him for the warmth he spent on her skin by gently biting into his bottom lip. Goosebumps were spreading on her skin wherever he touched her, and a warm shiver of absolute comfortableness was running down her spine.

“Oliver.”

She whispered his name into the kiss. It was a sign of how turned on she was and how she wanted to move things along. At the same time, she knew that whispering his name that hoarsely while her hips were thrusting against his turned him on beyond belief. She could literally feel the blood rushing towards his groin.

Oliver stroked his tongue against hers one last time before he grabbed hold of her hips and pushed her further away from him. He grabbed hold of his belt, but Felicity was too impatient to wait until he had unfastened it. She pushed his hands away, making work of his belt quickly. She unbuttoned his pants and lowered the zipper at the same time. Oliver wiggled his hips, helping her to pull his pants and boxers down in one go.

Hovering over Oliver’s lap, she stroked her hand through his hair and pulled at some strands lightly. Oliver angled his head back. His eyes locked with hers. His pupils were blown wide, and his fingers tightened around her small hips.

Felicity felt her heart skipping a beat. She had missed Oliver so much, even more than she had known so far. She knew that she was her own person, and she had insisted on having something for herself for a long time already. Still, she only felt like she was whole if Oliver was around. He was such a great part of herself, and she didn’t feel inferior when she admitted that she needed him to feel whole. It just showed how close they were, and how they had made the right decision by getting married to one another.

Slowly and with her eyes still locked onto Oliver’s, Felicity sank down onto Oliver’s cock. He stretched her perfectly in that special way that was so familiar and still felt so excitingly new every time. Her slick walls welcomed Oliver gladly, snuggling around his hard cock and squeezing down on it gently.

Once he was seated deep inside of her, they both stilled. Oliver’s fingers tightened around Felicity’s hips for a moment longer before they moved up her body. Through the thin fabric of his shirt, she could feel the warmth of his hands. They made her feel warm and caused her to sink even more against Oliver’s chest.

When Oliver’s fingers reached the nape of her neck, tickling the sensitive skin there, Felicity released a hum. As low as the sound she made was, it vibrated through all of her body and made her need for Oliver grow even more.

Oliver put his hand to the back of her neck and pulled her down towards him. Their lips met in a searing kiss while their hips picked up a slow, almost lazy, rhythm. Felicity sighed into the kiss, her hands grabbing the fabric of his shirt at the shoulders and tightening around it.

With the way they moved, their hips thrusted together harmonically. Whenever Felicity thrusted down, Oliver thrusted up to meet his rhythm. Her clit rubbed against his pelvic. Both made her pleasure rise quickly, causing her to feel hot and cold at the same time and making her need only more.

When it came to Oliver, she always needed more. She needed more of his hands roaming over her body. She needed more of his lips stealing hot kisses from her mouth. She needed more of his hips thrusting against hers and touching spots inside of her that only he had ever managed to stimulate.

Their joint moans echoed through the room as they moved towards the peak of their pleasure. Since the door to the hallway was still left ajar, Felicity was sure that it could be heard outside of Oliver’s office too. The building was empty though, so Felicity couldn’t care less. Actually, the thought of how their sounds of pleasure were echoing through the entire building only turned her on more.

Soon, Felicity felt the peak of her pleasure nearing. Her need for breath grew too much to take at the same time. She pulled back, finally managing to take in a shallow but urgently needed breath. Oliver tried to chase her lips for a second, still wanting more. As soon as his eyes locked with hers, he could see how close was so. Instead of trying to chase her lips any longer, he stayed with his eyes locked on hers.

Their thrusts grew quicker and more urgent. Their hips chased towards the relief they both wanted and needed. Felicity’s stomach was tightening. All of her thoughts, her feelings and actions were revolving around that release. She wanted and needed it so much.

With only a couple more thrusts, they both fell over the edge. Their moans turned into one when Felicity angled her head down and caught Oliver’s lips with hers. Kissing each other, their hips continued to move together lazily, trying to get the last of their pleasure.

Once the last waves of their pleasure had run through their body, Felicity broke the kiss. Her lungs were burning for air. Resting her forehead against Oliver’s, she smiled. She knew that, if she told him how out of breath she’d feel, he’d joke about working on her condition. She’d remind him that the first to have failed their phenomenal sex life had been his cock or little Oliver as Felicity liked to call him just to tease her husband.

“What are you smiling about?” Oliver asked her and nudged her nose with his. “What is so amusing?”

Chuckling slightly, Felicity pulled back and looked at Oliver. “Just us.”

“You thought about your bad condition,” Oliver guessed correctly, “and then you thought about Little Oliver. Of course you blended out the part where your vagina was so exhausted that your doc told you not to have sex anymore, right?”

Felicity grinned. Oliver knew her so very well. It was why her marriage with Oliver meant the world to her. She had never felt as understood as she felt when she was with him. She had grown up feeling misunderstood all of the time. With Oliver, she felt utterly safe, protected and understood though. Everyone who was in a relationship should feel the way she was feeling when she was with Oliver.

“Of course.”

She leaned forward to peck his lips gently. As soon as her lips touched his, Oliver framed her face with his hands and deepened the kiss though. Felicity couldn’t do anything against it. She just melted against his chest, responding to the kiss.

Oliver was the one to break the kiss this time. He looked at her with a soft smile that made Felicity brush her thumb against the dimple there.

“Let’s go home,” she whispered, “it’s time to go home.”

Oliver nodded his head. “Yes, it is.”

They cleaned themselves up before they left City Hall hand in hand, on their way back home to recover from the long hours without each other.

* * *

I'm sorry, guys! I am going through a terrible writer's block. I barely haven't written anything in the last weeks, and I can't get myself to it either. Maybe posting some chapters will help though...

* * *

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[violetwolfraven]

sprace 49

Uhhhh there is no 49 so I’m just gonna assume you meant 46? (In hindsight I’m now thinking you meant the other prompt list and I am a moron but I already wrote this thing so???)

(For any pairing except javid) I have to tell Jack about my relationship but he’s basically everyone’s big brother and—

Get ready for some canon-era with a couple of background ships.

...

“Okay,” Race took a deep breath, “I can do this. I can do this.”

Albert rolled his eyes, “You’re worryin’ for nothin’, Racer. He’s gonna be fine with it.”

“Yeah,” Finch agreed, “I mean, he was fine with me and Albie.”

“And me and Romeo,” Specs added.

“Damn near all of us is queer,” Finch pointed out, “Including Jack, himself. It’ll be fine, Race.”

Race shook his head, “It’s different. Both of ya and your partners are Manhattan.”

“Sorry,” Mike said, looking a little confused but smiling all the same, “Who’re we talkin’ ‘bout? Racer has a lover outside of Manhattan?”

“Race is fucking Spot Conlon,” Albert supplied.

“Daaaaaaaaaamn! Good job, Racetrack!”

Race just rolled his eyes. He and Spot had been together officially—as in, on the same page, in love and they both know it—for over a year now, after a talk they’d had right after the strike. And even if it had kind of started out as a friends with benefits kind of deal, just making out whenever they both had some time, ‘fuck-buddies’ or whatever the hell half Race’s friends seemed to think they were, did not describe what they actually were at all.

Albert knew damn well they weren’t fuck-buddies—Race told his best friend enough that he knew that they weren’t even fucking yet—which was why Race felt the need to slap him with his hat.

Like he had wondered many times, Race wondered again why he had to go and choose the one who loved to cause chaos as his best friend.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine with it,” Mike said helpfully, “Jack likes when all of us is happy.”

“Yeah, but he’s also really protective,” Race groaned, “He’s like a big brother to me—to all of us!”

“So let him give Spot a shovel talk,” Specs said simply, “That’ll be the end of it. Mike’s right. Jack can be protective, but he’s happiest when all of us is happy.”

“I’s been your friend since we was littles, Racer,” Albert put in, “And I’ve never seen you as happy as you’s been since you and Spot got official.”

Race had to admit, he hadn’t been this happy since... well, he didn’t remember being this happy even when his folks were still alive.

Spot made him happy, made him brave, and that was why he was finally plucking up the courage to tell Jack about them.

“Okay,” he said, forcing a smile, “I’m gonna do it.”

Race’s friends cheered him on as he headed out to Jack’s fire escape penthouse.

“Jack, we needs to talk.”

Race was kind of counting his blessings that neither Crutchie nor Davey was out there, so he had a one-on-one with Manhattan’s leader.

Jack looked a bit concerned as he put down the pape he was drawing on and nodded.

“Okay. ‘Bout what?”

Race took a deep breath, “What would ya say if I was... if I was kinda...”

“Spit it out, Racer. What is it?”

“I’m courtin’ Spot Conlon,” Race blurted, forcing himself to keep looking Jack in the eye.

He was scared of his brother’s reaction, but he needed to see it all the same.

Jack looked at the ground, “Shit. Shit. Oh my God. How didn’t I see that?”

“I’m sorry,” Race offered.

“Don’t be,” Jack chuckled, “I mean, I got Ike sneakin’ out to Brooklyn already, thinkin’ he’s slick. I don’t know how I didn’t see you doin’ it, too.”

“You gots a lot of guys. Ya can’t possibly keep track of all of us. Besides, I’m one of the ones ya know can take care of himself.”

Jack snorted, “No. No, ya can’t. You’re just stupidly good at talkin’ your way out of fights. So, how long has this thing with Spot been goin’ on?”

Race finally felt like he could breathe. Jack was taking this a lot better than he thought he would.

“Officially, since right after the strike. But we was makin’ out outside sellin’ hours for a few months before that.”

Jack wrinkled his nose, “Okay, I didn’t need to know that last part. But... damn. It’s been over a year. Am I that oblivious?”

He seemed fine with it, but...

“Hey, what’s up?” Race asked, “You seem sad.”

Jack sighed, “I ain’t sad, Race. Not exactly. It’s just... ya know how hard things are for me and Davey, right? We barely ever get a minute just the two of us, and that ain’t even takin’ into account havin’ to keep things secret.”

“Yeah. Of course I knows that.”

“Spot lives in fuckin’ Brooklyn. Not only that—he’s got the responsibilities of leadin’ probably the biggest borough in New York. I mean, anything’s possible, but I just don’t see how ya could make that work. I don’t wanna see you get hurt.”

Race tilted his head, “We make it work now. ‘Sides, it ain’t like I’m the leader of Manhattan.”

“Racer...”

Race’s stomach dropped as he realized what Jack was really saying.

“Oh.”

“Race... I’m 18. I’m gettin’ too old for this, and Davey and I... we’s been lookin’ at apartments. This wasn’t how I wanted to break the news to ya, but... we can’t stay much longer. And when we go, Manhattan’ll be yours and Crutchie’s.”

Race had known this was coming for... well, ever since he became one of Jack’s seconds, when he was 12. He’d known it more in how slowly, over the last few months, he’d found himself being asked for input on various issues more and more often. Jack and Davey thought they were being subtle, but Race and Crutchie had noticed weeks ago.

He’d known it was coming, but that didn’t mean it didn’t ache, just thinking about the boy who’d watched over him for most of his childhood leaving.

“When?”

Jack sighed, shrugging, “I don’t know. Soon. Davey wants to wait till after winter—hand you and Crutchie the reins when it’ll be easy to keep everyone alive so’s ya can get used to it before it gets hard.”

“That makes sense,” Race reasoned, remembering how hard it was for Jack. He’d had to take the reins during a hard winter, because the previous leader of Manhattan died.

“Look,” Jack smiled, “I’m happy for ya, Racer. Spot, too. Really. And honestly, I’m not too worried about him hurtin’ you intentionally. I know you was close friends before ya even got together—which, by the way, I cannot believe ya didn’t tell me, you asshole—so he won’t raise a hand or probably even his voice to ya. But it’s one thing with Crutchie, sneakin’ around with that girl he met at Medda’s—“

“Crutchie’s sneakin’ around with a girl?” Race asked, honestly delighted by this bit of gossip.

“Yeah... he thinks I don’t know, but we sleep on the same fuckin’ fire escape. I followed him one time when he snuck out to see her. Anyway, it’s one thing with that. For one thing, Crutchie don’t have to keep his sweetheart a secret ‘less he wants to—she’s a girl.”

“You and Davey—“

“Let me finish, Racer. For another thing, Spot is King of Brooklyn. He’s got eyes on him most of the time and even when he doesn’t, there’s no way he could sneak to Manhattan regularly without gettin’ noticed. He’s probably only gotten away with bein’ with ya this long because you sell at Sheepshead.”

Race wanted to argue, but he had to admit... Spot almost never came to Manhattan. Race was always the one going to Brooklyn for him.

“If you’s one of Manhattan’s leaders, you gotta sell in Manhattan, and even after hours, there’s no way you can constantly sneak off to another borough without some of the wrong people noticin’.”

Damn. He was probably right. Race and Spot were stealing moments now. If Race was selling in Manhattan, it would be damn near impossible to get time. He definitely wouldn’t see Spot every day anymore, possibly not even every week.

“Look—Crutchie could do this by himself, long as he’s got some muscle backin’ him up. With Mush, Blink, and Elmer, among others, bein’ young enough to stick around a while, that shouldn’t be a problem. If you don’t wanna be leader, I can start gettin’ him ready for—“

“No.”

Race had known he was going to be helping lead when Jack grew up and left since he was 12. He was 16 now—one of the older ones. He’d been instinctively protecting the others for years. He already looked at most of the younger ones as younger brothers.

Race had been ready for a long time to protect his younger brothers, no matter the cost.

Even if that cost was a closer relationship with the boy he loved.

“Spot and I can do a long-distance thing,” he said, “We’ll be fine. I’ll tell him... sometime. Tell me when you and Davey are movin’ out... I don’t know, but just tell me at least a little in advance.”

Jack nodded, “Okay. It won’t be for another couple months, at least, but...”

Race definitely wasn’t getting choked up. Those definitely weren’t tears in Jack’s eyes. It was just...

The Newsies were the only family either of them had known since they were little. Jack had been protecting Race, or trying to, at least, since they were about 5 and 7.

Race consoled himself with how it wasn’t like they’d really be saying goodbye. Jack had given up that old dream of Santa Fe. He was staying close, which meant he could visit, but...

Damn. Race was going to miss him.

“So, Spot’s good to ya?” Jack asked, “He treats ya right? Stops if ya ask?”

Race nodded, “Yeah. Yeah, of course. He’s... he’s great. I mean, he don’t seem to think he deserves me, or at least he didn’t, at first. He kept tellin’ me about all the kills he had to make as if that’d make me walk away.”

“Hmm...” Jack patted his shoulder, “Maybe we needs to have a talk about your taste in men, Racer. Do I need to tell Davey ‘bout who you’s courtin’?”

Race laughed, “Please don’t. I’ll tell him myself and you can have a worried talk ‘bout me later.”

“We ain’t your mom and dad, kid”

“Coulda fooled me, dad.”

Jack laughed, and Race had to admit, that hug made him feel a lot better about... well, everything.

“Seriously, though—you, me, and Davey—we’re goin’ over to Brooklyn tomorrow night. We’re gonna say we got business to talk, but really, me and Davey are gonna talk to your boy. Can’t have anyone hurtin’ Manhattan’s future leader, can we?”

Race laughed. Honestly, the idea of anyone giving Spot fucking Conlon a shovel talk was hilarious to him.

But, that was just Race’s family. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

[starbuckie]

Some Quarantine Lovin’  Chapter 1: A Phone Call

Marvel Highschool! AU

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Obscene amounts of fluff, kissing, swearing, kinda a lot of angst

Description: Bucky Barnes is absolutely, no doubt about it, in love with Y/N L/N. He’s loved her since the day he laid eyes on her in the third grade. He loved her when he had his own girlfriend, and when he was barely friends with her for a whole summer. And of course, in his freshman year, they are now stuck together. In a house. During a worldwide quarantine. This should be fun.

Words: 2,272 words

A/N: Hey y’all, I’m back. Here’s the new and improved chapter, because the last one was a but messed up. Thank you so much for the likes and reblogs, they mean so much to me. I’ve been having a lot of fun writing this series, and I’m excited for the rest of the series. I’ll probably be posting weekly, so thanks for sticking with me. 

Y/N walked into the office, pep in her step and a huge smile on her face. Dear God, she hoped her parents said yes. Her parents loved Bucky a lot, they always told him every chance they could, but she didn’t know if they would even allow this. She took a deep breath, and looked into the eyes of the administrative assistant at the desk. “Hey Mr. Coulson, how are you this morning?” Y/N asked.

“Y/N, how many times do I have to ask you to call me Phil,” Phil chuckled, “you’re making me feel so old!”

“Sorry Phil,” she replied, “could I call my mom real quick?” Though she had a phone herself, her school’s cell service was absolute crap, and her phone refused to connect to the wifi, bringing her to the office to use the school phone. She usually tried to avoid the office at all costs, but this call meant everything to her. 

“Sure, what for?” This is where she knew it would get tricky. If it was anything besides an injury, illness, or being sent home, the office would not allow her to call home. They were strict like that.

So, without any other choice, she lied. “I’m not feeling too good right now. My head hurts so much, and it's pounding a lot.” She put on her best show of weakness.

Phil frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want any Advil? I think it’ll help your head feel better.” He moved his hand to his desk drawer and started to open it.

“Actually, it’s my head and my stomach. They both don’t feel good. And I hurt my foot. A lot.” She knew she was laying it on thick, but she leaned on her right foot to make it seem as if she couldn’t bear to put pressure on the other. Phil knew something was up, but he only narrowed his eyes and nodded.

“The extension is a one before the area code.” He said, but she was already fake-limping as fast as she could to the room next door. 

“Thanks Phil!” She yelled back. Y/N made it to the door, opened it, and peered inside to make sure the lounge was empty. Once she knew she was in the clear, she rushed to the phone to dial her mom’s work number in. Pressing it to her ear, it ringed a few times, until she heard the static and her mom’s voice.

“Hello there, Mary L/N, how can I help you?” Her mom’s cheery voice made her calm down a bit, but then she remembered her mission.  

“Hey mom, it’s me Y/N” 

“Oh hey sweetie, what’s up?”

Y/N decided to try and get this out fast to lessen the blow. “Y’know Bucky, right?”

Her mom’s chuckle was heard through the phone. “Of course, he’s been your friend since the third grade.”

“And how he’s living with his dad and Becca alone?” Her mom’s hum of agreement prompted her to say her next words. “I was wondering if Bucky and Becca could stay here during quarantine. And, before you say anything, I know that you’re gonna say we don’t have any supplies, but we do! We still have the baby crib for Becca, and Bucky can just stay in my room like normal, and it’ll be like a sleepover. A very long sleepover.” Y/N winced at the awkward phrasing of her last few words.

She could hear her mom’s sigh through the phone, and the thoughts running around in her head. “But, even with all that, and I really hate to bring this up too, what are we gonna do about money? We’ll have to buy resources for not three, but six people.” Y/N’s shoulders slumped at her words, and she exhaled through her nose deeply. 

Suddenly, like a godsend, she got a text from her sister. Thank whatever god is watching over cell phone service to allow them to receive this text, she thought as she read it. 

“Hey mom, Ria just texted, she’s staying with her boyfriend for quarantine.” She was sure her mom could hear the huge smile through her voice, but in the moment she didn’t care. Y/N was desperate for her mom to agree, because she knew that he and his sister wouldn’t be safe. Bucky would always be her priority, even if he didn’t love her back the same way. “Mom, I know that this is huge, but we used to have him over for weeks at a time. This will be the same. If you need me to, I can use all the money that I made over the summer, I can pay for Becca’s food, and the formula, and oh god, what else does a baby need-”

She was abruptly interrupted by her mom. “You will be owing me big time. Your dad is going to murder me.” Y/N grinned widely at her mom's words. She couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t fucking believe it. Her mom was allowing this. Bucky would be safe. Becca would be safe. “Before you go off running to talk to Buck, I should tell you to tell him that I need to voice a few concerns and rules.”

“Okay mom, thank you so, so much. I appreciate this so much, and I know Bucky and Becca will too. I’m gonna go tell him right now.”

“You’re welcome. God, I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Mrs. L/N wasn’t upset about it, no, she was ecstatic to get the Barnes children away from their asshole of a father, but she was going to get to care for them for however long the shelter and place would be going on. “Stop by the Barnes’ house and grab Becca and their things before you get home okay? Unless Mr. Barnes is there, then come straight home and I’ll go with you. You should also leave a note, if you can go inside.”

“You got it, mom. Again, thank you so, so much for this, but I gotta go back to the library to meet Steve and Buck. I love you tons!” Y/N said hurriedly. She was bursting with excitement to get her two favorite people away from their dad, and a month of spending time with her best guy friend that she happened to be in love with just added to it. 

“I love you so much, Y/N. See you after school.” As soon as her mom hung up, she bolted. She didn’t care if Mr. Coulson saw and questioned her, nor did she care that she was shoving people in the halls and being a large disruption. Y/N burst through the doors of the library, eyes scanning around the room for her two friends. She spotted Steve talking to the librarian, probably about another spelling error he found in the book he was reading. Another time, she would have made fun of him for it, but she marched straight up to him with a determined look.

“Where’s Buck?” She asked. Y/N must have looked slightly insane and menacing with her windswept hair and slightly ruffled shirt, because her tall blond friend looked downright terrified of her. With wide eyes, he pointed to a couch where Bucky sat with his headphones in and watched a video on a school laptop. She nodded towards Steve in thanks, and dashed off to Bucky. As she approached him, she tried to also figure out the best way to say this. Oh god, what if he’s mad? I didn’t ask if this was okay with him.

The shadow that fell over Bucky gave him the notice that someone was near. His blue eyes looked up and met her gaze. “Hey doll.” He took one more glance at her appearance (not like he didn’t stare at her regularly), and asked, “Did you happen to get caught in a tornado in your hurry to your destination?” They both chuckled, but he could also feel the nervousness and excitement radiating off her. “In all seriousness, what’s up?”

She opened her mouth then closed it. “I need to talk to you. Just you and me. Even though, if you agree to this, the rest of the gang’s gonna find out anyway.”

“Now I’m a little scared, what's happening?”

She took a deep breath.”Well, after you mentioned it earlier, I was reminded that during quarantine, you’d be staying with your dad alone.” Y/N knew it was a little difficult for Bucky to talk about his family, so she decided to break it down slowly to him, even though her nerves were rattling. “And I hate the idea of you and baby Becca staying there, because… y’know.” He nodded his head in understanding, and you got the courage to continue. “Well, I talked to my mom, and she said that you could stay with us. For the quarantine. As long as you need. We love you so much Buck, and so if you wanna, you can stay with us.”

Bucky stared at her with wide eyes, in shock, but soon enough they started to get glassy. God, he couldn’t believe that she would think of him for over break. Y/N was the most selfless and caring person he knew, and he was just in awe of her. He stood up and grasped the girl for a tight hug. His face hid in the crook of her neck, because he was trying so hard not to let anyone see his tears, but he was having trouble controlling the sobs that wracked his body. Thank God they were in the corner of the library with the couches, so no one could see him. Y/N’s hands ran soothingly up his back, and it stayed that way for a few minutes until Bucky finally looked back up at her. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” 

She smiled at him and kissed his cheek. “I would throw myself in front of a moving car for you Buck, okay? Never tell Tasha, but you’re my best friend. I’ll love you forever.” Her arms tightened around his waist again, and his heart was filled with relief and love. “After school we’ll swing by your house and if your father’s not home we’ll grab Becca, your stuff, leave a note for your dad, and go to my place, sound good?”

His heartbeat immediately increased its rate. And there’s the panic. “But what if he is home, Y/N? I don’t wanna leave Becca by herself for any longer than she has to be. And do you have any baby stuff? Or food? She has to have formula, and her food needs to be in this weird food processor thing, I don’t know what it’s called, and oh god-”

“Bucky!” She cut him off with a giggle and a hand over his mouth, which he would’ve probably found hot, had he not been freaking out. “Me and Ria were once babies, we have stuff to take care of Becca. My mom knows all the products she uses, and we have the crib from the last time you came over. And if your dad is home, then we’ll just take Becca with us to my house and have my mom drive us back to yours to get your stuff, so she’ll know we’re okay. We’ll be okay James.” Y/N stared at him dead in the eye, so he knew she was serious. She never, ever used his first name unless she was being earnest. 

He nodded. “We’ll be okay Y/N.” He released her from the hug, not wanting to make it awkward, but he regretted it, as he loved holding her in his arms. Looking to his left, he could see Steve bounding over to them.

“Ms. Moore said I need to stop talking to her about the typos and mistakes in the books, it’s like she’s completely unaffected by the flaws!” He exclaimed, but then he noticed the tears still resting on Bucky’s cheeks. “Hey Buck, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, just Y/N offered to let me and Becca stay at her house for quarantine.” He sniffled and wiped the cuff of his sweatshirt against his face, looking to Y/N to find her already looking at him. Her small smile grew a little wider catching his eye, and she motioned toward the couch. 

“Let’s get down to work y’all.” The trio sat down on the small couch, Y/N squished in between the two boys. Bucky placed his headphones back on, resuming the video from before, but not really paying attention. No, he was paying more attention to the girl at his side, resting her head on his shoulder as she typed away on her laptop. She managed to be the only one who completed any actual work during their free periods, but she always kept time open to have fun with her friends as well. Bucky couldn’t help but have his lips quirked up at her, leaning back to relax against the cushions.

He turned his head towards her, and whispered in a barely audible voice, “Thank you Y/N.” She looked up at him with her infamous smile and kissed him on the cheek.

“Anytime, Buck.” She turned back to her computer, plugging her earbuds in and softly humming to her music. Her head moved to his chest, and Bucky prayed that she couldn’t hear how fast his heart was thumping, filled with adoration and love. God, how he would love this girl for the rest of his life.

[purplesurveys]

1180

The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? Yeah, I’m pretty paranoid and always feel the need to use conditioner because of a bad rebonding job from like a decade ago that stiffened up my hair as soon as it would get wet. It lasted for around a year, so I formed the habit of always using conditioner every time I shower. I don’t think I’ve ever used just shampoo since then.

Do you prefer light or dark jeans?  Dark, but I suppose it would be nice to start experimenting with lighter shades as well.

When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen?  It depends if I know the lyrics or I’m feeling the song at the moment. Obviously with my new obsession with BTS I can’t really sing along to entire songs, but I do sing the few English lyrics they have per song, hahaha.

Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook?  Yeah but she’s been muted for like half a year already, as is the rest of her family. I do have plans to unfriend her entirely; I’m just not sure when I would push through with it, and I already gave Angela permission to log onto my account one of these days to be the one to do the unfriending.

Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person?  Gabie. I miss the friendship sometimes; I don’t think I’ll have a friendship as deep and connected as the one we had, so I will always feel sorry about how that went to waste. But I don’t really think about our relationship anymore as I’m pretty good at blocking off certain memories, so I don’t miss her in that sense.

How many cars are parked at your house right now?  Two.

Do you have any Italian ancestry?  I highly doubt so. If anything there’s probably a tiny drop Spanish blood in there but that’s the most European I’ll ever get.

Do you prefer water to be ice cold or at room temperature?  Like, drinking water? Ice cold, always. I hate warm water.

Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak?  Not to my face, but I know I’m one so I’m sure other people have said that about me at least behind my back.

Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found?  Yes, my friend Mik and one of my aunts. They were both found eventually.

What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten?  Eating ghost pepper instant noodles was a pain I would never want to go through again...I threw that shit out after my first forkful, lmao.

Do you need to talk to someone?  No, not in particular. In a more general sense I do wanna start gaining more friends though, so I’ve been meaning to expand my circle by creating a new Twitter account just for my BTS dump. In other words, I am a 23 year old with a stan Twitter HAHAHAHA

Is something confusing you at the moment?  No, I’m good.

When was the last time you had a real deep chat?  Maybe my conversation with Andi a couple of nights back. We were talking about a tricky situation with their ex-friend who turned out to be a real dick when they came out to him a year ago, and they just wanted to get my perspective on how I would handle it.

Who did you last see on webcam?  The PR manager for one of our clients, who we all despise because he doesn’t know how to do his job. Thankfully he’s resigning soon so we’re all just waiting for him to leave and finally meet a much more competent replacement.

What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)?  Angela has two dogs, Hailey and Kennedy. Andi had Apollo, who I wanted to meet so badly but sadly he passed away a week ago at 15.

Have you ever taken a picture while laying in the grass?  There are photos of me sitting on grass, but not lying in it. I would imagine that would feel very prickly and uncomfortable.

Who’s your favorite Disney character? Baymax or Flynn Rider.

Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk?  I’ve made my friends chug drinks or down shots and it’s happened vice versa, but it was always in good fun and we never made each other harassed from it. It’s just your typical college rambunctiousness, and if anyone felt uncomfortable or iffy then we didn’t hesitate to move on.

When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling?  I’ve only ever seen those in my first school, when I was in kindergarten. I never got to use it and they also took them out not long after.

Do you like being kissed on the neck?  Yessssssssss

Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t dating (but had feelings for) in the hopes that they would ask you out later?  Nope. I don’t think I would have sex with anyone I wasn’t dating.

What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a good bra?  Probably a couple thousand bucks if I thought I looked good in it.

Do you have any of your teachers’ personal cell phone numbers saved in your contacts list?  I don’t think so. I never tried getting close with any of them, and I always tried to stay hidden as much as possible. I was just in class to get good grades and pass.

Do you ever stalk peoples’ personal blogs, even if you don’t know them very well?  I never really scroll through people’s Tumblrs anymore. That was more of a thing I did in like 2013, but these days going through my dashboard is enough.

What’s one thing about today’s generation that you just can’t stand?  Some social media trends done for clout make me revolted, especially when it has anything to do with wasting food. I also hate when they do extreme pranks that I know I wouldn’t find funny if I were ever the victim, like tossing someone’s phone into the ocean.

Be honest: how do you feel about abortion?  Pro-choice. 

Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to?  I would love to catch up with Katreen at some point, but I know we’re at different points in our lives now and it would probably never happen.

What is your favorite piece of art you own?  I commissioned my sister to make an artwork of the 2D1N cast, and she did a great job making it! I haven’t gotten to use it or promote it yet, but I will soon. It’s really well-done.

What’s the one thing you apologized for this month?  Replying late.

My favorite color is ______?  Pastel pink.

I wish I had _____?  Longer weekends.

What did you buy today? Nothing – I’d call that a success lmao, I’ve been spending money as if I had a million fucking bucks over the last week. I did have some packages arrive today though: my own copy of 2 Cool 4 Skool (my first physical BTS album!!!!!!); the official poster from their album BE; the Ivy Park sneakers I ordered earlier this month, and an Ivy Park bucket hat Bea had apparently gotten for me as a birthday present.

What has challenged your morals?  Vices.

What made you pick up the last book you started reading?  I had to read it in preparation for a one-on-one session with my employer’s CEO.

What about your life concerns you the most? Whether a stable future is in the cards for me.

What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend?  Probably Filipino-American comedians or influencers who use stereotyping of Filipino accents and habits as a punchline; they do more harm to the culture than good. I can tell you not one Filipino who lives in the Philippines actually finds those funny, and Bretman Rock is probably the only personality who’s able to flaunt the culture in an entertaining and hilarious yet classy way.

When it comes to being offended, I guess it depends on the context. My humor can get pretty dark and low-blowy, but I would have a problem with someone who I know has genuinely problematic views.

What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another?  I think it may had still been Start-Up from last December. I’m not too big on Korean dramas since I find one episode waaaaaaayyyyyyy too long. I don’t think I’ll be starting on anything soon, Korean or otherwise.

What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same?  I’m single now, for the first time in technically six years. I also think I’m doing better and happier, breakup notwithstanding. OH and I love wasabi now, hahah. As for what’s unchanged, I still like taking surveys and I’m still stuck at home, though the latter’s not really in my control anymore.

If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take?  I’d just go back to UP for the free tuition. We also have the widest range of programs out of any university in the country, so it’s a damn good deal.

Name a song you’ve listened to today?  Fly To My Room - BTS

When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard?  We didn’t; but one of our relatives that we’d regularly visit did have a playground that I’d use all the time. It’s still there, just very unmaintained since no one uses it anymore.

Is your mall nice?  Which one? We have five different malls nearby lol. Mall culture here is on another level.

Do you have a Sonic near you? If so, what’s your favorite drink from there?  No. I’m not so sure what they serve there, either. I’m guessing milkshakes?

Will you be voting in the presidential elections next time around?  I’ll always exercise my right to vote.

How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries?  I hate strawberries and I hate fruits, so even if you coat that shit in Nutella and cookie butter and chocolate syrup I still wouldn’t touch it.

Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? No.

Do you hate the last guy you had a thing with?  I’ve never had a thing with guys.

To whom did you last give the finger?  I haven’t had to do that in a while.

What was the last musical instrument played in your presence?  My sister’s keyboard.

Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?  Not particularly. They make things look cute, but they never taste like anything tbh so I never saw the point in paying extra just to have them on my desserts.

Honestly, have you ever crashed a party before?  Nah. I cringe thinking about that.

Do you know how to do the moon walk?  I don’t.

Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice?  Never gotten that specific compliment before because I know I don’t have one.

Onion rings or french fries?  Onion rings.

Has anybody ever described you as a heart breaker? No.

Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast?  I don’t think so, but I know I have the tendency to do so occasionally, especially while I’m presenting a deck. Once I notice it I make an effort to pace myself.

Who is the best cook that you know?  My dad and both my grandmas all deserve that title.

Which meal throughout the day do you skip the most?  I literally never have lunch ever.

What’s the largest amount that you can juggle at one time?  I can’t juggle.

What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid?  Sandboxes, since I liked the texture; the sandboxes in school were also often empty, which worked well for my introvert self. I find that it’s carried over to today, since I still enjoy touching things like slime and kinetic sand.

Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much?  I think 5 or 6 lbs, I’m not exactly sure but it’s definitely somewhere in that small range.

Which aspect of your daily routine takes the most time? What do you do?  Work, for sure. I work a normal 9–6 so that’s already 8 hours out of my day, but I also OT a lot after hours, and I work throughout my lunch break as well so that technically makes it 9 hours. I also like getting up earlier and starting some work before my shift so that I would have less tasks on my plate for the day.

Do you enjoy buying gifts for others, or could you do without this?  I LOVE getting people gifts. Food is especially my love language, and I always get food delivery for my friends, family, and my team at work.

What is one thing you are expected to do, if anything?  I mean, I have work deadlines tomorrow so there’s that.

How do you tend to view driving? Monotonous or entertaining?  I love driving. I don’t think I ever complained about having to do it. It’s calming and relaxing when I’m doing it alone or with a partner; and it can be entertaining with the right set of people.

Do you enjoy talking about music with others? Not always. If I don’t listen to the artist then I can find the conversation quite boring, like if my friends would get into a full-blown discussion about Taylor Swift.

Is acting something you enjoy?  No. It wouldn’t even be something I’d be interested in doing.

When do you feel most accomplished?  Finishing a work day with no tasks left behind.

Do you think Manwich is amazing or completely gross?  Idk what that is.

How many best friends do you have?  Two.

Are you a smoker, drinker, pothead or none of the above?  I drink sometimes. I also kinda smoke, I guess.

If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced?  My mom had them pierced when I was a month old.

Do you own any exercise machines?  My mom has this rowing equipment thingy. I don’t have any of my own, though.

On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings?  No.

Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait?  I remember having to draw one as a school assignment, but I’m pretty sure I half-assed that because I couldn’t care less for art class back then.

Who was your last voicemail from?  We don’t have voicemails.

Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious?  I don’t think so. That’s the sort of situation that would stick out in my memory if ever.

Did you ever set up a lemonade stand when you were a kid?  No, not a thing here.

When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language?  Around an hour ago when I went downstairs and chatted with my sister briefly.

Have you ever received an anonymous gift?  Nope.

Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day?  Nope but I definitely still wouldn’t be opposed to doing that haha.

When were you the saddest in your life? 2016 was fucking miserable. < I’d have to agree. 2017 was also awful.

Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you?  I used to know one but she got out of it. In a sense, I suppose I also was in one.

If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you?  Well they’re younger, so they definitely still live here, with our parents. I’m the first one expected to move out, but I’m taking my time.

Have you ever gotten searched by the cops?  No.

Do you like fried rice?  Of course. I like any kind of rice.

What was the last thing you drank?  Water.

[demonicintegrity]

Imagine the Underfrogs being on the edge of Mod frog territory months after they're exile, and being confronted by a patrol or former colleagues. Imagine the patrol deciding to have a little fun with the so called Mistakes of Mod frog society. Imagine the Underfrogs kicking the ever living hell out of them, not only defending themselves, but eachother as well, and proving just how tough they are without Mod Frog society holding them back from their true potential.

Ohohoho, action with a dash of angst? Letting the frogs go stupid go crazy sounds absolutely great right about now.

Anon this is my type of prompt! I can’t *not* try to make a drabble outta this. I say, having no experience writing fight scenes whatsoever.

The group wasn’t sure why or how they were back on the edge of familiar territory, but the group was. It seemed like forever ago when they could consider it their territory, patrolling it with dragonflies hitched to cars, and wearing suits they kept in top shape.

It wasn’t like that anymore though and that brought bitter feelings as the group squatted in an alleyway; resting and trying to gather their thoughts. Truly was an odd feeling, being back in town.

Jamack frowned at his shoes. Even though his tie wasn’t the only one cut that day, it always did feel like a majority of the blame fell onto him. After all, he was leading the group on the assignment. An assignment he went out of his way for. It cost them all everything they ever knew.

Jamack looked up at the other two in his “underfrogs” group. It was a name Kipo had given the trio, wordplay on the “underdogs” trope humans were familiar with. It was something about people who seemed like losers rising to the top anyways. It made a faint smile pull on his lips.

Kwat was squatting besides him, for a moment it struck Jamack that they were much closer now than they were back with the Mod Frogs. Both literally and metaphorically, Mod Frogs never really got close to each other’s personal space. Yet here she was squatting practically shoulder to shoulder with him and he was okay with it. She had ditched her jacket and tie long ago, yet kept her dress shirt, it was still in good condition despite everything.

Jamack also kept himself in good condition. Sure his suit jacket was a bit torn still, but he kept it tied around his waist anyways. His shirt was still good, sleeves rolled up to his elbows like Kwat. His pants were a bit worn, but he wasn’t worried about them, they were built to last anyways.

Harris was across from him, squatting on top of a dumpster. He practically threw the Mod Frog dress code out of the window. He also ditched the jacket, but more noticeable was the fact that his shirt sleeves were torn off. It left a messy edge, jagging out. Harris said one was torn off in a scuffle and he just tore off the other one because having just one was weird. He also unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and rolled up his pants to his knees to avoid them being snagged in branches he was constantly jumping to and from.. It was certainly... A look. Jamack figured there was no way to ever guess he was once a Mod Frog, but he supposed that was partially the point. It took some time but Harris really warmed up to throwing the Mod Frog identity out of the window, thriving without it really.

Jamack caught himself starring at the vivid colors all over his body and turned away. He seems to have embraced all his “oddities” and it honestly made him look dangerous when he was dashing from the treetops. The bright colors screaming “watch out” when it was all he could catch a glimpse of while Harris is up in tree. He was truly threatening in a new way.

Not to say he and Kwat weren’t. Ignoring the fact how they all were always exceptional at their jobs and always defeated any foe with athletic precision, spending months in unfamiliar and dangerous territory really made the three of them get better at defending themselves. It reflected in their new appearances in a way. Kwat ditching her jacket allowed her shirt to show just how much of powerhouse she was. Harris’ torn sleeves gave him a new edge that reflected the rather feral energy he was regularly exerting, and with Jamack? He suppose rolling up his own sleeves showed just how ready he was to throw himself into fight if need be.

This group of underfrogs were certainly a force to be reckoned with. It made Jamack smile. Despite being exiled he couldn’t be happier being with these two. These two he’s learned to call his friends and treat like a family. He would’ve never guessed that it would make him so happy.

“Oh, there’s no way.”

Jamack’s inner thoughts and reflections was broken by a voice at the front of the ally. The three snapped their eyes at the sudden break in city quiet. Three frogs stood at ally opening, with one leader in front.

“Y’know, I know better than to have expectations when looking into alleys of this part, but this?” The frog gestured at the group with a wave of her hand. “Is just rich.”

The underfrogs stole glances at each other while the opposing group chuckled. Her voice was familiar and the outfits said Mod Frogs, surely it wasn’t...?

“Yvonne?” Harris questioned as he scanned the group, knowing he’s seen their faces before and trying so hard to place the names of the frogs flanking her.

“Oh goodie, you remember me. Red-eyed freak.”

The group bristle and stood up. The two frogs flanking her stood at the ready with the movement. This wasn’t going to be a friendly reunion in the slightest.

“What the hell are you three disgraces doing here anyways? It’s not enough you couldn’t have died, you just had to come onto our turf?” She put her hands on her hips.

”We’re just passing through.” Jamack said. Yvonne always had a habit to give a bite with her words, but Jamack was not gonna let that phase him.

“Ridiculous.” She snorted. “You should know better than to come even close to here.”

“Or what?” Harris spat out. Jamack figured he was remembering all the crap she used to speak of him when he wasn’t around. She did that a lot. Did that for practically anyone she didn’t like, though the underfrogs were regular targets back in the day.

She laughed. “Don’t even talk to me Harris. You look ridiculous. It was one thing to be around with those freakish eyes, but to have your shirt torn to match? Do have any shame? All it does is look like shit and show those weird colors you have. Couldn’t you have spared us the rest of your gross body?”

“That’s enough Yvonne.” Jamack stepped forward. “You could’ve just told us to leave instead of being so bitchy about it.”

“Aaaww~ The weirdo has gone soft for the freak.” She cooed with a smile.

Jamack grit his teeth as Kwat made a point to straighten up and shoot daggers from behind him. Harris held his new-and-improved bat with nails and spikes in front of him to make a point.

“Yvonne look.” The frog to her left spoke. “Even Kwat’s mad.” He chuckled.

“Aw~ Mad I’m insulting your little friends Kwat?” Seems like she’s taking jabs at everyone today. “Gross. Of course the freaks would stick together.”

“Are you done?” Jamack said, making no effort to hide his growing anger.

“You know, I really could be Jamack.” She smiled. “But that’s not fun. Plus, you three deserve every bit of insult I throw at you for being utter shameful pieces of shit-”

“That’s enough!” Jamack shouted. “You’ve made your point.”

The Mod Frogs raised their nonexistent eyebrows and chuckles.

“Getting mad Jamack~?” The frog from before spoke. “What, can’t take the truth? That you’ve disgraced yourselves?”

“It’s not like that.” Harris growled out.

“Then what is it like?” He spat back. “You failed. Got tricked. Fucked up so much at the pond with the mega bunny. You certainly weren’t being proper Mod Frogs. We’d never let that slide.”

“Fat chance!”

“You’re full of it.”

“Bullshit.”

The underfrogs were quick to not buy their confidence. They didn’t know what exactly went on that day. They doubted they would’ve done better. Those assholes were just talking themselves up and trying to put them down.

“Bold words coming from three disgraces.” Yvonne bit back, finally getting irritated. “You three really should’ve died out there, would’ve saved yourselves the trouble of embarrassing yourselves more.”

“The only embarrassment here is the frog being all talk and no bite our whole lives.” Kwat spoke up, letting a smile seep through.

It makes both sides pause for a moment.

“Excuse me!?” Yvonne was livid at the accusation.

The underfrogs smiled.

“Well yea. You’ve been running your mouth this entire time.” Harris grinned.

“Some Mod Frogs you are.” Jamack said with a chuckled. “I remember when we would’ve have outsiders captured or driven out within minutes of finding them, not spending time shooting the breeze. Or did things change when we left? Shame. Would’ve made most of my assignments a lot easier.”

Jamack was thrilled to see he was pissing off his former colleagues. Seems like Kwat and Harris were enjoying themselves too, judging by how much they’re snickering when Yvonne’s face brightly flushes and the other two had their mouths agape in shock.

“You got a lot of nerve Jamack.” Yvonne said, unsheathing her two daggers. “We can run you out easily.”

“Uh huh.” He tapped his foot. “Sure.”

“What, don’t believe us?”

“Considering you’re doing the thing where you talk a lot of shit but don’t actually do anything again? Yeah no, I’m not exactly threatened by you at this moment.”

“You should be.” Her tone takes a dark turn. “We could easily kill you three and you know it.”

As if to prove her point, the flanking frogs pull out their weapons. A mace and a metal staff. If the underfrogs weren’t on edge before, they were now. They’re confident in their skills and all, but Harris is the only one with a weapon at the moment.

“Really?” Jamack spoke carefully as he analyzed their positions to assess he and his friends’ options here. No matter what, there was going to be a fight.

“Really.” She said. “And we should.”

“Yea!”

“That’ll be some real fun, make up for what they did.”

It seems the Mod Frogs are itching for a fight now.

“It’s not like you’d be a challenge.” Yvonne said, letting her smile come back. “You losers were always odd. It was miracle you lasted into adulthood anyways. Weak and pathetic as you all are.”

“Still talking Yvonne.” Jamack said as he readied himself for the inevitable fight. “Feel free to put your money where your mouth is any day now.”

“Why you little-”

Yvonne lunged forward for Jamack but was intercepted by Harris’ bat smashing right into her jaw. It threw her to the wall as he readied himself for the other two frogs. The two went for Harris but the one with the mace was met with Kwat’s fist to the face and the other with Jamack’s tongue.

Jamack pulled the one with a staff back from Harris and kneed the frog in the side. Releasing his tongue’s grip on him, he then side-stepped to avoid being struck by the staff. The frog was moving fast, Jamack will give him that, rapidly swinging the staff trying to land a hit, but Jamack was too quick on his feet. Dodging wasn’t enough though, he wanted to teach these punks a lesson. It was one thing to be territorial, but another to try and take personal jabs at him and his pack.

Catching the staff after swing, Jamack pulled on it to bring the frog off his balance and deck him as hard as he could. Using the blow to the face as leverage, he wrenches the staff out of his grip and shoves him to the side. He shifts his focus upwards onto his friends. Kwat and Harris have their attention on the one swinging his mace about. At the corner of his eye Jamack sees Yvonne getting up from the wall.

“Harris!”

Hearing his name causes Harris to look back and dodge the blades just in time. Instead of swinging in retaliation he opts to jump over to get on the fire escape. Jamack watches as the sudden leap confuses Yvonne and takes his chance to strike. Using the staff to push himself forward with a vault he shoots out to kick her with both his legs. Stepping back as his land he swings the staff forward and upward to catch her head as she lifts herself up. He readies for another blow until the mace coming towards his head causes him to jump back.

Barely after registering the mace Jamack hears Harris let out a battle cry as he launches himself at the frog behind him. Not letting the battle noises behind him distract him, he shoots the staff out at his attacker with a mace, who manages to side step away from the staff only to be punched in the head by Kwat. Before he could swing the Mace at her, Jamack takes his opportunity to hit him in the side as hard as he could with the staff.

Judging by the pained cry, Jamack knows that one should leave a nice bruise.

“She’s up!” Kwat grunts out as she moves to strike the frog again.

Jamack turns and blocks the two blades coming at him with swings of the staff. He repeats the circling movement between hands as she keeps trying to land blows on him. He backs up but his eyes never leave the movement coming for him. The sound of a frog sliding across broken pavement tells him Harris got one helluva blow in. He smirks as he knows Harris is coming up behind him for another leap.

“Who’s pathetic now Yvonne?” His smile grows as he watched the already bruised Mod Frog get even more mad.

He’s right about Harris; there’s a flash of orange and blue that streaks over him as the tree frog aims his bat for Yvonne’s head. She quick enough to take her own jump back, just barely saving her head from what probably would be from a concussive blow. Jamack winced as he heard the bat collide with the weak pavement, sending bits upward but turns his attention back to the frog Kwat is dealing with.

He takes a moment to assess how occupied the frog is with Kwat and seeing he can easily make a move, he does so. Pushing forward he lands a blow on the frog’s eye, not doubting how obvious of a shiner that’s going to make, and smiling as the frog lets go of his mace. Kwat shoots her hand forward without hesitation to grab it and bring the spiked ball towards the frog in one smooth motion, shoving him to ground while undoubtedly tearing some of his suit.

The grunt of Harris pulls the attention of the two away from the frog on the ground onto him. His bat is locked with Yvonne’s daggers as he kicks away the now unarmed frog trying to land a blow on him. The kick only knocks the frog off his balance, which isn’t enough to stop him from coming back.

“I got Yvonne if you got him.” Jamack shifts his weight to get ready to jump.

“Deal.” Kwat said a smile as she swung the mace around her head, no doubt happy to have her favored weapon back in her use.

Jamack jumps to the wall beside Harris and Yvonne as Kwat lunges for the unarmed frog. He kicks off the wall to get behind her and swings the staff. She turns and takes the blow in her side, but lunges a swipe at Jamack before side stepping out from in between the two frogs. She takes but a moment to plan her next move. She jumps onto Jamack only to be met with the staff blocking her. Using that as leverage she jumps up with the intent to get over Harris and strike his back.

Only having to give Harris a jerk of the head to warn him, Jamack watches as Harris swings his bat to collide with her shoulder and use the momentum to push her to the ground. She hits the ground and tumbles. Jamack doesn’t miss how Harris grins upon seeing how he bloodies another frog. He doesn’t pay much mind to it as he’s vaulting with the staff again to kick at the frog that Kwat just stole the mace from rushing at them. Not breaking his stride that easily, Jamack swings the staff at the frog. They dodge that blow and the next as he tries to close the gap between him and Jamack.

He’s met with Harris’ bat to the side knocking him off balance. While Harris turns to refocus on Yvonne, Jamack takes a couple more blows at the frog, landing a few and successfully bruising the other frog. Just as he gets into a rhythm he shifts and shoves the staff to successfully jab at the frogs throat. The noise he makes in pain makes his own throat feel something. Ignoring the urge to rub at his throat his pushes forward to keep swinging.

“So much for us being the shameful ones.” He smirks as he lands another blow. “You’ve barely done anything to us!”

He hears Harris laugh from behind him. It spurs him on and gives an extra flair to his attacks. This was honestly too easy!

“Incoming!”

As if to physically prevent him from getting too cocky, the now severely bloodied frog he stole the staff from was launching his tongue at him. Easily side stepping the muscle, he rushes forward to strike the poor frog on the head. Hitting his mark, he takes the opportunity to his fist to deck him square in the nose. It knocked the frog back, likely seeing stars from the two blows.

“I think we’re making a mess here.” Jamack says with a smile as he surveys the two weaponless frogs. “We’re being absolutely brutal.”

“Savages!” Yvonne spits out as she dodges a blow from Harris only to have to side step another one from Kwat.

“Nah.” Jamack says as he steps closer to her.

Surrounded and with her back towards the wall, Jamack easily reads her eyes looking around as panic setting in.

“I think we deserve this.” He grins.

“Y’know, one could make the argument that the truly savage act was kicking out three frogs who only did their best for the pond.” Harris said as he bounced his bat in his hand.

“Mhm.” Kwat let a small smile peak for a moment in agreement.

Yvonne’s panic only increases as the three close in on her. With her two colleagues effectively down for the count, she was surely in for something truly brutal. Her quick breathing and panic muscles shifting about unmistakable to the group.

“Honestly Yvonne.” Jamack said after a moment of watching her panic. “The performance you brought to the table was disgraceful.”

Her eyes flicker from Jamack and the other two as he keeps speaking.

“I really hope this isn’t the show that’s suppose to represents the Mod Frogs.” His smile drops. “Or else we really lucked out getting out when we did.”

“What-”

“With lousy skills like that, how the hell does Sartori expect you to be of use?” Harris didn’t miss a beat in the jeering. “Geez, did we carry the whole group?”

“If this is the acceptable standard? Maybe.” Jamack smiles. “Must truly be a shame they abandoned their best members.”

“You were never-”

“A shame indeed.” Kwat finishes as she swings the mace at her.

She tries to move out of the way only for Jamack to hit her in the back with the staff. The two offer the perfect opportunity for Harris to bring down his bat on her head with enough force to make an impact so obviously painful that her cry makes even Kwat flinch in surprise.

Truly brutal indeed.

To really put salt in the wound, the underfrog trio tie up the bloodied frogs with their tongues, the other frogs to exhausted and beat to put up much of a struggle.

Between their appearance and the broken Mod Frog they’re left upon, the trio knows their message would get across just fine. They don’t even take the dragonfly, just release it so it’d go back to the pond and alert someone, bringing an audience to see the pathetic state the losers were left in. 

Maybe now the Mod Frogs will realize the severity of kicking out loyal members.

[catsnuggler]

What didn't help my whole subconsciously-missionary-minded, silent-echoes-of-Mormonism socialism illusion, which made me think it would be selfish and wrong to demand my own liberation, was the misapplication of standpoint epistemology - put simply, when "identity politics" goes bad.

Putting the rest under a cut, because this is a long post.

While it's crude and ultimately incorrect to only say, for example, "Listen to Black voices", without emphasizing the critical thinking skills and empathy necessary to listen to Cornel West, and dismiss Candace Owens for the right-wing corporate hack that she is, what is for certain is that someone like me, a 100% white American settler of Mormon pioneer stock (on one side of my family, anyway), and with no formal education on the subject matter, doesn't have authority to speak on the experience of Black people in America. I have no argument against that, because it's true.

Continuing further, just because, in spite of the fact neither racism nor colonialism oppresses me, capitalism still does, this doesn't mean I have as much authority to speak on it as a Black member of the working class does, as anti-Black racism and capitalism compound on and depend on each other, making the lives of Black working class people more difficult than the lives of white working class people. Doesn't mean I can't speak on capitalism, just means I'm not the leading voice.

That being said - I'm going to talk as if I'm still a believing Mormon, let alone Christian, in this and the next paragraph, to better explain the subconscious workings of my mind, due to their brainwashing - the difference in our positions can be wrongly perceived, especially by someone raised in the illusory colonial missionary mindset, similar to the position of those with "the gospel" and those "of the world", where those with "the truth" have more, but are, like all, oppressed by "sin", yet at least believe themselves to have the knowledge and wherewithal to resist, while those "worldly" people aren't blessed with the wealth of God's Word, nor the solidarity of the church, and are thus further deprived of the perfection God desires for his children than those of His Flock already are, and must be ministered to, brought into the Fold, and Saved from On High.

Yet there must ever be a humility to such actions, there must ever be self-denial, for all are imperfect, even those in the church, as, just as Christ shed His blood, and allowed His flesh to be pierced, even to His death, in limitless sacrifice for the sins of all of the Children of Men, that they may be redeemed, so have countless socialist, communist, and anarchist revolutionaries died for the cause, and yet all who live, who do not seclude themselves from the world and its markets, facilitate the continued exploitation and robbery of each other by the capitalist class. All are imperfect, and all would deserve bondage and bloodshed, were it not for the bleeding hearts of the martyrs.

So, you see, even someone who consciously attempts to reject Christianity can still fall victim to its logic, even after abandoning the official doctrine of it, if proper safeguards against the general thought processes of it are not taken. Returning to the original point I've tried to raise, I've fallen for a long time to a Christian-esque stance of personal martyrdom for the sake of "saving others" to the point I believed pursuing my own liberation would be selfish.

I'm mentally ill and neurodivergent to the point that getting myself to even get into the habit of seeking jobs is difficult, much more so landing myself an interview; and getting an offer of employment? Only happened once, at the end of my first interview. As you predicted, the job sucked, they were desperate to hire me because it sucks, and it wasn't 3 months before I quit. I quit in late September of 2018. It's been almost 3 years of me not having a job.

I got my driver's license in mid 2019, but got into a minor parking accident that only broke a headlight on the car I drove, and didn't damage the other car, in September of that year. It was over a year before I drove again, because of the depth of my depression and anxiety over one accident, which cost about $150. Since January of this year, I've driven somewhat regularly, and have some measure of confidence, but am still anxious every time I'm behind the wheel. I could drive to and from a job, if needed, but it would be a while before that would be comfortable.

I still live with my dad, at the age of 23, and barely have any friends where I live anymore; those local friends I still have, I haven't seen face-to-face for a long time. My dad... my dad could die any day, and I would be royally fucked. Something happened earlier this month, and he wasn't healthy before, but this was really serious. He amazingly got away with few symptoms, and can make a full recovery with the right effort, except... it could still happen again, it would just be less likely. If it does, he could die. Again, I would be royally fucked. I don't know how much his treatment cost, but I know it must be a pretty penny. There's only so long I can continue like this.

Due to my dependence and general impotent state, I can't do a goddamn thing for what I believe in right now. I have to fight self-hatred with the argument that if I die, I'll have died useless and unhelpful, when I could potentially have kept living til I got my act together and finally done something helpful before passing.

I have a college degree. Not a "real" degree, in the sense of it mattering, but I have an Associate degree, DTA. No major; I never could figure out what I wanted to do. It would have been a close call between anything in political science, which would have led toward a government job, which would be unacceptable as an anarchist, or perhaps a professorial job, teaching would-be politicians and bureaucrats, hardly educating anyone of revolutionary intent; or something in chemistry, perhaps biochemistry, leading to some kind of colonial agrichem shit, or making expensive medicines nobody would be able to afford for private entities' profits, possibly having research appropriated by Uncle Sam for weapons purposes - I don't know, but none of that was appealing. I graduated community college with Honors, as a member of the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society. I could have had promise as some or other kind of technocrat or bureaucrat - but I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It seems the less one is exploited, the more they exploit others. I don't know what job I can take that would exploit me enough that I wouldn't hurt others so much, while leaving me alone enough that I wouldn't kill myself, which... which has been a temptation, at times. Not too strong, but it is fucking there. I have promise; at short-term memorization and obedience, at least, like a mongrel dog who can read; but no conviction, no confidence, and a surplus of fear.

There are more woes I can recollect, I can continue this pity party in a book, but enough of that. Suffice it to say, all this time, I should have wanted my own liberation. Colonized people (in an American context, Turtle Island Indigenous and Black) have it worse, LGBT* people have it worse, women have it worse, physically disabled people have it worse, people with greater mental disabilities than my own have it worse, and I can't lead any of their struggles. But I do have the right to demand my own liberation, and I shouldn't convince myself otherwise.

*I don't oppose the use of the other word, except people of my demographic have abused that word so goddamn much, I don't want to type it, myself, let alone say it. It's always tainted when it comes from those who aren't of that community. Please don't think I'm either a radfem or a libfem just because I didn't use that word. I support people identifying with that label in using it.

This post became increasingly personal toward the end. However, I hope my flawed perspective, perhaps unique (read: unrelatable) in some aspects, perhaps explaining, at least in part, some of the fucked-up mental hurdles of white socialist "allies" that we need to get our asses over yesterday, might help - whatever I might have illuminated, and whatever I surely missed. I can understand why someone might want to share and add, share and criticize, or leave this alone with a like, nothing at all, or an unfollow.

Not that I can prevent this from being shared in any way, except by not posting in the first place, but I'm okay with it being shared by other socialists, for whatever it's worth... although I understand the more traction it gets, the more likely I'll get anon hate about being full of myself (deserved, to an extent at least), for being some dumb socialist cuck (not exactly wrong, but rude, and likely from a Nazi, so fuck you), or perhaps from non-Mormon Christians accusing me, someone they'd call a Mormon (which is arguably almost a new ethnicity (not race though) as much as it is a religion) of daring to throw the Christian god and Christianity, in general, under the bus, accusing me of being in league with the devil. So be it.

If you're not a reactionary, nor a liberal, nor somewhere in-between, and you want to share this for some reason or another, you may do so.

[fursasaida]

“Slavery is the ghost in the machine of kinship.” Saidiya Hartman’s concise articulation gets to the heart of the ways that chattel slavery continues to animate the present: transatlantic chattel slavery’s constitution of domestic relations made kin in one direction, and in the other, property that could be passed between and among those kin. This is the ghost in the machine of contemporary U.S. life and politics.

This piece by Christina Sharpe (which builds, as she notes, on Saidiya Hartman’s work) is from 2016, but I think of it often and especially today. The following contains my thoughts on what the essay, which is addressed to white people in the US, asks of and does for me as one such person. I can’t claim that it’s anything more than a way of coming to grips, personally, with the moment in which we find ourselves on June 2nd, 2020.

Lose your kin means: be a race traitor. Lose your kin means: be willing to burn bridges. Lose your kin means: don’t keep the peace with your family, your friends, your neighbors–not just for a minute or a day, a minor kerfuffle to be patched up quickly, but with readiness to lose their love and acceptance irrevocably. Lose your kin means: abandon your sense of belonging in and to whiteness.

Many white people seeking to develop an anti-racist practice in our lives have heard these kinds of things before, probably even several times. But threading them through the concept of kinship does something useful for me. It makes me think about how I am building and valuing relationships, when, and with whom. It gives me a method.

Kin here means, all of those recognized by the self–in some fundamental, indelible way–as being like the self.

Thinking of kinship makes me more willing to say something to my aunt or the one regularly problematic guy in my group chat (to whom, most of the time, nobody else will say boo) when I know something ought to be said; to volunteer to post bail for some future someone I have never met when it feels very tempting to just leave the tab open or the message unread, with the hollow self-assurance that I’ll come back to it later or someone else will get there first; to confront the professor spouting racism so my fellow students don’t have to, without concern for the consequences (which, of course, are lesser for me); to join a protest; to get up in the lecture hall filled with dozens of primarily white people and turn off the racist image on the projector that no longer needs to be seen to be discussed, though white presenters senior to me have seen fit to leave it up. Or whatever the case may be. Thinking of kinship makes me more willing to do these things rather than condemn whatever happened in words after the fact, where those responsible–to whom I would have maintained my kinship by not acting–are not present.

It does this because it reminds me that what is holding me back is the desire to remain securely bound (held, even) by the ties through which I am recognized as kin by my aunt, my friend in the chat, many of my colleagues, and all the (ethnonational, “civilizational”) white kin I can feel spectrally watching me when I decide whether or not I will be starting an argument or making myself available to help. It pushes me to face that desire and decide that it’s not worth doing nothing for.

It reminds me that I can be bound by another kind of kinship, with a different set of people. To lose your kin does not mean to be alone, though that is the threat implicit in white kinship and therefore the prospect one has to be willing to face. In my experience it leads, in fact, to closeness, to recognition. (These are not the adulation many white people expect and demand for doing any little thing, which is still a relationship of distance. They are everyday moments, they are being in company: anything from deep, lasting friendships to a one-time nod that says, “I see what you’re doing.” These mean much more than any imagined celebration.) I can choose to be my students’ caretaker by practicing what I try to guide them through in the classroom. I can choose to be worthy of friends’ trust by doing what they believe I will do when they aren’t watching, and of colleagues’ esteem by doing what they would like someone in the room to do. I can act as someone who owes kinship to them, which means: someone who does not owe it to whiteness. (The easier and more common path for the white “progressive” is to pretend to do both. Sharpe’s point is that this is not just insufficient but impossible.)

I cannot decide unilaterally to be these friends’ and colleagues’ kin (let alone students’); no one but they could claim me as such. But I can choose to treat them as kin is treated, by honoring and defending those relationships over and above the ones that bind me to whiteness. I can be willing to accept interpersonal and professional costs for doing this because I can recognize that what I am really afraid of is the withdrawal of a kinship that I claim I do not wish to share, and in understanding that fear I can hold myself to the claim rather than bemoaning a conveniently mysterious sense of inertia or hesitation. I can work to preserve not the stability of my belonging to white kinship but the possibility that my friends and colleagues might claim (or recognize) me as kin; or the fact, in some cases, that they have. I cannot, again, expect this as my due. But just as maintaining the ties of white kinship is about securing the capacity to be recognized as that sort of kin, I can reshape the energies, fears, and desires that regulate white kinship’s ability to shape my behavior around this alternate kinship as a potentiality that needs to be protected.

I can orient myself with these these bonds. I can be guided by them to define my understanding of my place in the social world; to recognize myself differently. And when I do that I find that it is not very difficult at all to act.

White people are searching for ways to show solidarity to people of color and some have landed on the performative symbol of wearing a safety pin. Symbols are important and a safety pin is not enough. A safety pin is a temporary fix for a rend in the fabric. One must be willing to say this is abhorrent. One must be willing to be more than uncomfortable. One must be willing to be on the outside. One must refuse to repair a familial rift on the bodies cast out as not kin.

Slavery is the ghost in the machine of kinship. Kinship relations structure the nation. Capitulation to their current configurations is the continued enfleshment of that ghost.

Refuse reconciliation to ongoing brutality. Refuse to feast on the corpse of others. Rend the fabric of the kinship narrative.