#it’s half past 7 pm and I haven’t eaten at all today

[myname-isnia]

For once the fact that I, aged 11 through 15, spent most of my free time locking myself in the bathroom to mouth along to songs while practising expressions in the mirror was actually useful

[fruitcoops]

hi eve!!! have loved all of your oknutzy stuff recently !! Was hoping you’d write a coops fic while Remus was PT maybe just appreciating how much he does / Sirius treating him to something special (nice meal, back rub, etc) after a long day of work?

Yes! Love me some PT Loops learning that--*gasp*--people are allowed to love him. Coops credit goes to @lumosinlove, Hattie is mine!

TW referenced minor injuries

7:45—Admin

Remus’ vision blurred with exhaustion. “No sleeping,” he mumbled around a yawn. His eyes still felt too heavy, too sticky with sleep to function like they should. “Morning, morning, morning, stay awake, stay awake, you can fit a nap in later.”

No, you won’t. Someone was going to fuck up a joint during practice today. He could feel it tingling at the back of his neck like the breath of a lunch-stealing poltergeist. Remus gazed mournfully at his calendar and the list stuck to the left side of his computer screen, scrawled in a sloppy hand before practically falling into Sirius’ car the night before—his handwriting was already questionable past 6 pm, even without a day like that. Like this one was shaping up to be, too.

His computer gave a cheerful chirp: You have a meeting in [15] minutes with [Thompson, Admin]!

Somewhere back home, Sirius was still in bed. Cozy. Warm. Sleep-soft. Probably curled on his side, long legs clad in flannel, his body in a gentle arc that formed a perfectly Remus-sized hollow against his middle for prime snuggling…

“What would happen?” he wondered aloud, drumming his fingertips on the fake wood. “If I skip, what are they gonna do? Fire me? They can’t fire me.”

His eyes slid from a near-solid block of color-coded events to the crisp Post-It with its endless list of non-work tasks.

“God, they would totally fire me,” Remus muttered. As if they haven’t been looking for a reason to do it since January. He took a moment to stretch both arms over his head and crack his back; from the looks of it, the remaining 6 minutes would be the last bit of leisure time until he went home or died, whichever came first.

10:00-2:45—Clinical + Walk-in

“What are you doing?”

“Being productive.”

Moody snorted from the general vicinity of the doorway.

“Seriously,” Remus continued over the rhythmic thud of his forehead against the wooden cabinet of the break room. “This is a better use of my time than talking to Tremzy.”

“More broken fingers?”

Remus huffed. His forehead was finally starting to transition from aching to blessed numbness.  “Told me it was a jammed knee. How’d it get jammed, Tremz? I dunno. Did you turn too hard? Uh, I twisted it. What a little son of a bitch.”

“Since when is Tremblay from Texas?”

“Remind me that I love my job, please.”

“You love your job and you love those boys.” His forehead hit something softer the next time around. Remus let out a slow breath through his nose as Moody adjusted to grab him by the face and gently pushed him back into a proper standing position. “That brain pays your salary, Lupin. Play nice.”

“This brain is currently on strike due to workplace abuse,” he said into the rough skin of Moody’s palm.

Light flooded back in and Remus squinted, blinking in the sudden change. Moody scanned him with a critical eye. “You eaten yet today?”

“Yeah.”

“What’d you have?”

“Wagyu steak and pan-friend potatoes.” His stomach clenched at the very thought. Moody’s expression was distinctly unimpressed. Remus sighed. “A bagel and a granola bar, two hours ago. I have a meeting with Dumo in 3 and a half minutes about his lower back pain ‘cause he refuses to admit he’s over the age of 28, so if you’ll excuse me…”

“Choke down another granola bar and I’ll let you leave.”

“Moody—”

“You’ve got 2 minutes and 55 seconds.”

Remus scrubbed both hands down his face. Not for the first time, he wished he was a little meaner, or at least mean enough to push past into the hallway. Sirius would have. But he wasn’t Sirius, and he was hungry, and there was almost certainly a peanut butter and chocolate bar somewhere in the back of the cabinet…

Bingo. Putting his job on pause had never tasted so good.

4:30-6:00—Ref. 20-47

The afternoon passed in a series of signatures and papercuts, broken up only by a 40-minute period of double-checking everyone’s skates and pads before evening practice. Remus heard the team arrive in a distant stampede and braced himself for the inevitable grilling—where are my shoulder pads? I left them drying last night, though. What do you mean they’re in my stall?—only to be left, beautifully, wonderfully alone. It appeared his extra work the night before had paid off.

Sign, stamp, stack. Remus glanced at his watch; 28 referrals completed in just under 90 minutes. That left only two items on his work calendar (he decided to ignore the ‘home’ chores Post-It for now), a number that had seemed unfathomable seven hours ago. The admin meeting felt like another universe.

He stood on shaky legs and groaned softly at the ache from sitting too long without breaks, bracing on the edge of his desk for a stretch to stave off a calf cramp. A smart person would take 10 minutes and do some light yoga, run a couple drills once the guys went home. Remus’ neck twinged when he checked the clock again—just as he thought. No time to be a smart person.

Remus wrinkled his nose at his desk chair before easing himself back into it. The future was difficult to imagine when his brain was that fuzzy.

“Two more,” Remus told the tiny granite wolf taped to the top of his computer monitor. “That’s it, and then I can go home and have a good dinner and kiss my boyfriend and sleep for ten hours.”

He flexed his throbbing hands and pushed the keyboard aside to make room for two sheets of paper to lay side-by-side. Sorting health forms was easy, repetitive, and…

6:00-6:30—Nap

Remus woke up.

His computer was off. Good sign, he thought, letting his eyes slip closed again. Done for the day. His hands took a moment to come back online. Then the familiar ache in his legs. Then a sudden pinch in his lower back when he tried to turn into the touch caressing one side of his face, and a new voice shushing him as a hand eased his back into a more comfortable spot. Remus grumbled wordlessly.

“Re.”

He made a noise of acknowledgement. One side of his face felt stickier than usual.

“Hey. Loup.”

“Lis’nin’.”

“Time to wake up.”

“Am.”

“Sure you are,” Sirius laughed quietly. Sneakers squeaked on linoleum as he shifted and Remus burrowed into the worn-soft fabric of his shirt. He smelled good, a little sweaty, like he did after warmups or a couple loops around the basement rink. Warm in the crook between neck and shoulder, just like Remus had left him that morning. Sirius’ chest hitched with suppressed laughter for a moment—there was an odd sound like rustling paper, and then an unpleasant tug on one side of his face.

Remus jerked awake by another degree and felt his neck heat with embarrassment as Sirius finished gently peeling a health form off his cheek. “Sorted ‘em,” he explained around a yawn. “Fell asleep.”

“Quoi?”

“The paper. Sorted it.” His head felt all muggy, mouth tacky like he had been sleeping with it open. “How long was I out?”

“I’m not sure.”

Remus frowned. “Time’s it?”

“6:35. I just came to say hello.”

He hummed. Sirius’ hand slid down from the back of his head to give his neck a gentle squeeze at the nape—it popped a few neurons back into place, and Remus blinked blearily at him before leaning forward to rest their foreheads together.

“Hello,” he said into the sliver of space between them. “Missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” Sirius’ thumb stroked circles over the top of his spine, turning Remus’ bones to mush. “Busy day, huh?”

“Mmm.”

“Do you know what you want for dinner?”

Remus couldn’t help his sigh. Dinner. Number one on the (literal) laundry list that needed to get done before he could drag himself into bed. Sirius would be starving when practice was done, and it was only fair that he figure something out—maybe he could ask Sirius to throw a load of dishes into the washer before rinsing off. Yeah, he could do that. “Chicken and rice?” he suggested. Quick, easy, season and bake. 40 minutes start to finish.

“Sounds great.” Lips pressed to his forehead, a little dry from warmups but as pillow-soft as always. “I’ll be back at 7:45?”

Remus smiled into their next kiss. “See you then.”

8:15-8:45 pm—Shower + Dinner

Ahead of schedule, Remus thought as they pulled into the driveway and Sirius turned the ignition off. Bonus points. If they kept this up, he might be able to let the broccoli bake for an extra five to ten minutes for some extra crunch. “D’accord,” Sirius said under his breath as he ducked out of the car and jogged around.

Remus paused, bewildered, when the passenger door opened and Sirius held his hand out. “…what?”

“Come on.” Sirius held his hand a little closer; Remus felt a blush creep to his ears when he took it and let Sirius help him from the car like—like some sort of celebrity. Sirius dipped down to kiss his cheek, taking the backpack from his shoulder in the same motion.

“What is this?” Remus laughed.

“What, I’m not allowed to carry your bag for you?” Silver eyes glittered with amusement. “I can be romantic.”

You are a grown man, don’t get fluttery over that. Remus bit his lower lip around a smile. “You can.”

“I showered at the rink, so you can head up,” Sirius continued, opening the door with ease despite the two bags hanging off him. He intercepted Hattie’s welcome tackle and tossed the nearest tennis ball down the hallway for her to chase, gesturing for Remus to go ahead of him. A lopsided smile made Remus’ heart squeeze. “The beast has been tamed. After you, mon amour.”

He cast a quick look around the living room and kitchen when he entered—no surprises yet. Nobody hiding behind the couch with cake and balloons for…something important, presumably. Fuck, had he forgotten an anniversary? Anniversary of what? This time last year, he and Sirius had both been unhappily aboard the train of useless pining.

Then again, being sweet and silly and chivalrous for no reason at all was exactly the type of thing Sirius would do, when he thought about it. “Thanks, baby,” Remus said as he toed his shoes off and leaned up for a kiss.

Sirius nudged their noses together, one hand going down to soothe Hattie’s excited tippy-taps. “Pas de problem. Now go, shower, I know that look on your face.”

Remus caught him by the front of his shirt before he could turn away and pulled him down for one more chaste peck. “I love you.”

“Love you more.”

8:25 pm—Shower and…dinner?

Sirius hadn’t let him start the chicken, rice, or broccoli before ushering him upstairs with a playful smack to his ass. Remus wasn’t quite sure what to make of that, but he had been standing under the hot water for about five minutes now and honestly didn’t have the capacity to read too far into it anymore. The water took the last of his higher brain functions with it as it swirled over his aching feet to the drain. More than once, Remus’ thoughts tried to wander toward the Post-It still stuck to his computer monitor, but for the life of him he couldn’t remember what it said.

Maybe that was okay. Maybe he could take another couple of minutes to steam himself like the dumplings from their favorite shop down the road, taking in the warm air and blowing out the day’s stress. He hadn’t done that many consecutive clinicals since college. A break was well-deserved.

8:45 pm—Put on pants

**Correction: 8:45 pm—Put on Sirius’ pants and sweatshirt

The bed was far too tempting for its own good. If Remus’ stomach wasn’t growling like a hellbeast, he would have given in to his weak mortal urges and buried himself beneath the sheets the second he stepped out of the shower.

He rolled the waistband of Sirius’ sweats twice to keep them up, then slipped on his oldest, most threadbare Lions hoodie. A welcome gift from James, if Remus remembered right. One of many attempts to offer friendship to their newest, coldest rookie.

Remus stuck his nose in the neckline and inhaled deeply. How far they had come since those first silent days.

Fuzzy socks made the outfit complete and offered the gentle padded compression he had been craving since noon. He cracked his knuckles as he headed back down to the kitchen, stifling a yawn in one frayed sweater cuff, and paused at the bottom of the stairs to give Hattie’s ears a scritch. “Hello, princess,” he laughed while she gave his hands a thorough inspection. “You’ve got bedhead, c’mere. Did you have a good nap after your dad left? I know, I was gone forever.”

“The couch was still warm,” Sirius called from the other room with an audible smile. “I checked.”

“I bet you two went to the park, huh?” She stared back at him, tongue lolling, tail thudding against the floor before she pushed her entire head into his chest. The fur of her neck was silky smooth between his fingers; Remus pressed his nose to the top of her forehead and let himself relax into the velvet softness.

The air smelled different when he raised his head, blinking in the dim light. Hattie put her paws on the lower stair and began her nightly routine of making sure he wasn’t secretly hiding treats behind his ears. “Baby?”

“Ouais?”

“I can—” Remus broke off when another burst of steam sent the smell wafting into the living room. Sirius had used the good paprika. Christ, his heart was going to burst. “I said I could make dinner.”

“Chicken and rice, yes?” Sirius appeared in the doorway with a sweet smile and popped a green bean in his mouth, shrugging. “I got it.”

“You got it.” He got it. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to.”

Remus’ hands stilled over Hattie’s ribs. He could feel her breathing, steady one moment, erratic with intensive sniffing the next. It seemed she had accepted the fact that he was not going to sneak her cookies and trotted off to go whine at Sirius, leaving Remus alone on the stairs. “You got it,” he repeated quietly to himself.

9:00 pm—No…plan? No plan.

Dinner was amazing. They were both too tired to talk much, but the minute they sat down Sirius had twined their ankles under the table, and there they stayed for the next half hour while they ate in companionable quiet. The rice was only a little undercooked.

Sirius liked to read or watch a show after evening practice most days, and Remus usually found himself a spot between thick thighs or tucked up against Sirius’ side to join him for an hour or two. But Sirius had taken their dishes with a kiss to his forehead and put them right in the dishwasher—and started it—before taking Remus by the hand and pulling him upstairs.

Remus watched him change into his pajamas and put his day clothes in the hamper at the same time, relying on muscle memory to brush his teeth while his mind whirred. It wasn’t that Sirius never helped around the house; the man was more of a neat freak than he was, some days. But something felt…different. It felt more intentional.

“So,” Remus started once he had rinsed his mouth out and shuffled aside to share the sink. The words stuck in his throat for reasons he couldn’t name. “Tonight was—tonight was really nice. Thank you.”

Sirius’ brow furrowed in confusion. “For dinner?”

“And the other stuff.” Why was it suddenly so hard to say what he wanted? “You know, the dishes and feeding the dog and holding the door and…all that.”

Sirius hummed and bent to spit out his toothpaste before he half-shrugged. “It was normal stuff. You were tired. I could do it, so I did.”

Remus just stared at him as he went back to brushing his teeth, already rummaging through the cupboard for the mouthwash. “Thank you.”

Sirius hummed his thanks when Remus passed him the mouthwash bottle; when he was done with his teeth, he turned, taking Remus’ face between gentle hands to kiss him, minty fresh. “I missed you today. And yesterday.”

Don’t swoon, don’t swoon, don’t swoon—“I missed you, too.”

Perhaps spending two days cooped up in his office had had more side effects than just draining his energy. He let Sirius take more of his weight with a slow exhale, and a moment later felt big hands rubbing along his aching muscles. “It’s silly,” Sirius said, his voice low. “I almost wished I had a real excuse to come see you.”

“For your own sake, I don’t,” he mumbled into Sirius sleep shirt.

There was a gentle pressure at the top of his head; Remus hid his smile in the nearest bicep. “You do so much for so many people,” Sirius sighed at last. The hands on his back maintained their steady motions. “You spend all day fixing their problems. My problems, too. I just—” He paused. Remus loved how carefully each word was chosen. Another little press made his stomach swoop. “I want you to know that you don’t have to do everything by yourself, Re. I can handle Hattie, I can do chores, I can cook. Maybe not well, but—”

“It was fantastic, Sirius.”

“Merci.” Sirius’ arms tightened around him for a brief pulse. “I can help. Let me help. I want to. This is, like, the bare minimum.”

Sometimes Remus couldn’t believe just how lucky he was. A day that used to end with boxed mac and cheese and falling asleep in the creaky twin bed of his apartment, occasionally still in his work clothes, now ended like this. And if he had his way, it would go like this forever.

“Okay,” he said, tilting his head up. The corners of Sirius’ eyes crinkled with a smile. “Alright, I’ll try. But don’t try to do everything for me, either, yeah?”

“As if I could get away with that,” Sirius laughed, bending down until their lips brushed and happiness fizzed through Remus’ whole body.

A double yawn interrupted their third-fourth-fifth kiss and they broke down into laughter; Remus went willingly when Sirius tangled their fingers together and made a show of dragging him to bed, bundling him up in the covers before settling down with a nuzzle to the back of his ear. His knees tucked up behind Remus’—his arm wound protectively over his torso, forming a perfect Remus-sized hollow.

10:00 pm—Rest

Remus was asleep before Sirius had taken two breaths.

[your-eternal-muse]

How Could I Hate Her?

Heather Series Part 7

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Bonus! Readers Card Confession Part 6

Summery: When checked on by the team, Reader confesses her guilt ridden feelings

Warnings: Mentions and descriptions of depressive episode, light swearing, mentions of medication, but other than that? Nothing that I can think of?

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Heather Carmichael, Spencer Reid x eventual Female!Reader

Words: 3.1k

A/N: Y’all.....it is almost 4:30 in the morning. I started writing this around 9 pm. I am committed and I have Criminal Minds to keep me company so its fine. Also, there is much needed fluff in this chapter. I also tried writing in 3rd person, because there were things I wanted to show that I wouldn’t have been able to if I didn’t. I hope you like it! I should have a bonus episode out later today at some point when I wake from the dead, so, enjoy! 

~~~~~

It had been two weeks.

Two weeks since anyone on the team had seen or heard anything from y/n.

“I stopped by her place a couple days after, to try and talk to her. I couldn’t even tell if she was on the other side.” Derek remarked.

Aaron, Derek, JJ, Emily, David, and Penelope stood in her office, talking about y/n, and how worried they were.

They all just got back from a case.

Spencer had immediately gotten called away from work by Heather, who claimed it was an emergency. None of the others truly believed it was.

“As icky as it makes me feel, I can check to see if she is still in her apartment, I mean. If the place where she lives has cameras, I can easily check to see if she’s left.”

She looks to Hotch for permission.

He nods his head in approval.

“Has anyone else tried contacting her?”

“I’ve tried calling, but it goes straight to voicemail. She turned her phone off.” JJ chewed at her lip, her mind traveling to the worst possible scenario. A scenario she wouldn’t let happen. Not again.

“Poor kid. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through.” Rossi’s voice is soft, and he leans back against the wall, eyes not really connecting with anything.

“I know Spencer has tried calling her a couple times. But by the look on his face, I don’t think he got very far.” Prentiss paces back and forth, trying to keep herself busy so she doesn’t go kick down y/n’s door herself.

They all knew. 

Derek couldn’t keep something like that to himself. And when he told the team, JJ stepped forward, and confessed that she knew. Spencer was in disbelief.

Y/n had come to JJ so often over the past couple of months, Will didn’t question it anymore. Y/n said watching Henry, and being around someone she doesn’t have to compete with helped.

She never really saw her smile like she used to, but JJ did see her relax, let her walls down. She thought y/n was getting somewhere. She was wrong. Some profiler she was.

“You should have seen her guys.” Derek had been the one to see her shut down before his eyes.

“She was shaking. She couldn’t stop crying, shaking. She was mortified that he had heard her. And then she just, stopped. She stopped shaking. The broken look on her face completely vanished. She didn’t say a word to me when she left. It was like she turned herself off.”

“Confessing your love for someone who then tells you they don’t love you the same can do that to a person.” Penelope says, typing away at her screens.

“No, it’s so much more than that.” JJ says, taking a seat in one of Garcias spinning chairs. “ Every time she would say something even remotely mean about Heather, or Spencer, she would shake her head, look up and smile. She shoves it down because she doesn’t want to be bothersome. That kind of burial of feelings can only end in an extreme.” JJ thinks back to every night, every tear shed at her house. How y/n would wipe her tears, shake her head and force a smile. 

“I’m in.” Garcia chirps up from her desk, pulling up video footage of a hallway. 

They all circle around, prying eyes eager to look inside the private life of their family, who is in desperate need of assistance.

“So, here she is, the day she left, about an hour after leaving the building.”

They watch the video as she walks down her to her door, tears streaming down her face. She takes her keys out, but before unlocking her door, she leans her forehead against the wood.

Her shoulders shake.

A collective sigh leaves all of them.

“And here I am fast forwarding a couple days.” People walk up and down the hallway, yet her door stays still. Until it opens. She taps a key and the video returns to normal, and a forlorn y/n exists, now clad in sweatpants and a cal tech sweatshirt.

“That’s Spencer’s sweatshirt.” JJ whispers, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Penelope fast forwards again, stopping it when y/n appears once again on the screen.

“Okay, she was gone for about, 2 hours and 43 minutes.” 

Y/n is holding two bags, one in each hand, though neither of them are very full. 

She disappears behind the door, and Penelope fast forwards again. Morgan can be seen a few times, but y/n doesn’t leave again.

“Oh my god. She left once, three days after and hasn’t been out since.” Penelope takes her glasses off, and wipes her face.

“Alright. We’re doing a wellness check. Y/n clearly needs some help right now, so help is what she is getting. Let’s go.”

The team all nodded, and off they went.

When they arrived, Hotch walked to the front desk, his badge already out. “I’m SSA Aaron Hotchner. We’re here to do a wellness check on y/n y/l/n in apartment 112.” 

The front clerk doesn’t question it, simply grabbing a set of keys and leading them down the hallway to an elevator.

Each person is in their own head, but when they appear outside of her apartment, their focus changes. It was about y/n now.

“Y/n, are you in there? Baby girl, can you let us in?” 

They stand and listen for a shuffling of feet or the sound of a chair, but nothing.

Radio static.

Hotch nods to the man, and he unlocks her door, allowing the team into her apartment.

It’s dark. 

That’s the first thing Derek notices as he walks forward. The second is how cold it is. 

The third is the glass breaking underneath his boot.

His eyes land on the pile of shards beneath him, and the move to the book laying on the floor, and the broken mirror which still stands on her wall.

He’s trying not to profile her, but it’s hard. 

She didn’t even want to look at herself.

The team walks through her apartment, taking in the abandoned bowls of half eaten food, the empty liquor bottles and faint smell of cigarette smoke.

The path leads them to the living room, where y/n is curled up under a blanket on her couch beneath an open window. 

Derek walks over and shuts it, his heart aching at the sight before him. 

Y/n clutches a pillow to her chest, her grip tight. Unfinished chinese sits in front of her, beside an ashtray filled with buds. 

An empty bottle of medication lays on the ground next to her, and he prays to a god he stopped believing in years ago.

She’s mumbling in her sleep, and the team gathers around, varying versions of wet eyes.

Derek is the one to kneel beside her, and place a hand on her shoulder. He’s relieved when he hears her mumbles, feels the warmth beneath his fingers.

“Baby girl. Baby girl, I need you to wake up.” He knows she’ll feel cornered. He knows it’s a lot to wake up to. But he knows she needs this.

She stirs and her eyes open, cloudy and grey. They flick up to him and then around the room, taking in the sight.

She wants to cry.

She begins to move herself in a sitting position, and Rossi can’t help but notice how thin she’s gotten the last couple weeks. She looks tiny compared to Derek. He just wants to hold her, and never let her go.

JJ notices her lips are chapped, and the dark circles under her eyes. She turns and heads towards the kitchen for a glass of water. 

“What are you all doing here?” Her voice is hoarse. She hasn’t spoken in days, unless you count the incoherent sentences she sobs at three in the morning. 

Aaron wishes he had stepped in sooner. Her hands shake as she moves to brush hair out of her face. She was his daughter, even if not by blood. He doesn’t know how he couldn’t have seen this.

Emily notices the dry wet spots on her t-shirt, and the pillow that now rests in her lap. She bites her lip to keep her own tears at bay.

“Don’t you have more important things to do?” The words are laced with guilt and self-hatred. How can she possibly take them from a case that could be 10 times more important than her?

Derek runs a hand over her head, wishing he could take her pain away in the blink of an eye.

JJ appears with a glass of water.

“You’re family, y/n. We take care of our family.” Penelope falls to her other side, and grabs y/n’s hand, clasping it in between her own.

JJ moves a couple things on her coffee table, sitting down and handing her the glass of water.

Y/n takes it with her free hand, taking a sip from it.

“Sweetheart, when did you run out of medication?” Derek's voice is soft, it almost breaks near the end, but he holds out.

She sniffs, rubbing the back of her hand under her nose. “A couple weeks ago. They’re filled, I just haven’t….I couldn’t…” 

She hands the glass of water back to JJ. Her fingers start tapping her thigh.

“Talk to us, y/n. We’re not going anywhere.” JJ starts to cry, but she can’t help it. The situation in which her friend was in, was dark. It was deep. She’s been on the road to where she is for months, and JJ didn’t do anything.

Y/n thought for a moment. About lying, saying she was fine, that she was coming into the office the next day, that she was over it. But she was tired. Tired of running. Tired of lying.

“I love him.” Her voice is wet, flem and saliva coating each word as it leaves her mouth. The sentence isn’t louder than a whisper. 

She clears her throat, and grabs the glass back from JJ, taking a longer gulp.

Her head hurt.

No one speaks. 

No one moves.

“I love him.” The tears flowing down her cheeks are different from the ones she’s shed the past couple months. They’re warmer, more full. It relieves the stinging behind her eyes a bit.

“I love him, and I can’t help but tell myself over and over how much better she is than me.” She turns her palm over in between Garcia’s and clutches it with every fiber of her being. “Every bad thing I’ve ever thought about myself is ringing through my ears, in her voice.” She chokes on her sobs, and the room is filled with the months of feelings building in her chest.

“I hate her.” The words fall from her tongue and her chest falls. A weight has been lifted.

“I hate her, and I hate that I hate her. Why should I? She’s pretty, she’s accomplished, she makes him happy.” She looks up at Derek, eye’s pleading. “She is everything, and has everything that I can never have or be. And it kills me.” 

JJ takes the glass before it slips from her hands, and sets it down, mirroring Penelope and clutching y/n’s hand between hers.

Y/n leans into Derek, and he wraps his arms around her, pulling her in for a tight embrace, resting his chin on her head.

She cries and cries, and finally after months, she breathes. Her tears stop and she lets the oxygen fill her lungs and she breathes. 

For a moment, sniffles throughout the room are all that can be heard. And then Aaron speaks.

“Morgan, I think you should take y/n to go get her meds. A little sunlight and some time out of the house will do her some good.” 

She retracts herself from Derek, a slight pink returning to her cheeks. She nods. 

“And when you get back, I’ll help you shower.” JJ whispers rubbing her thumb over the back of her hand.

Another nod. 

Penelope and JJ let go of her, and she stands. 

Penelope notices that she’s wearing the same sweatshirt from the video.

Derek stands with her, one hand on the small of her back, the others holding hers protectively. 

“Where are your shoes sweetheart? I don’t want you cutting yourself on the glass.”

“They’re in the kitchen somewhere. I kicked them off and didn’t notice where they landed.”

“Okay. We’ll just be careful, okay?”

Another nod. 

The team moves as she does, not crowding her, but never being too far away.

Derek helps her get her shoes and coat on, and leads her out the door.

Once the door shuts, Hotch turns to the others. “Alright. JJ, Emily, start in her bedroom and bathroom. Laundry, bedding, the whole nine yards. Garcia, start in here. I would suggest going through her laptop to see if there's anything we should know about. I know you don’t like it, but in order to make sure she’s safe, we have to.” 

The three women nod, and Penelope is already grabbing the laptop that lay at the end of the couch. 

“I’ll work on cleaning the kitchen, and David,” He turns to Rossi, already rolling up his sleeves. “I’m sure she doesn’t have much food on hand, and she could probably use a home cooked meal.”

“Say no more. I’m on it.” 

~~~~~

The car ride to the pharmacy was quiet. 

I can’t say it wasn’t nice to get out of the house. I missed the light. 

It was early February, so pink and red hearts decorated the storefront in preparation. 

I hated the thought of valentines day during all of this. The thought of what he would be doing for her drove me insane. 

It still makes my heart ache.

“What’s going on inside that pretty little head of yours, baby girl?” 

I shift my focus, turning back to the driver's seat where Derek sat.

“Just thinking about how much I hate valentines day. It’s over commercialized and the guy who named it named it after himself, selfish prick.”

I see Derek chuckle. “That you are right about.” 

I let a small smile slide across my face, and for once it’s not forced. I know not everything will be better right away. I know it’s gonna take time. But still.

It feels nice knowing I’m not alone.

We arrive, and he parks.

We sit for a minute in the silence, and his hand reaches over and takes mine in his grasp.

“I want you to know, that you are a million times better than Heather could ever wish to be. And any dude who doesn’t see that isn’t as smart as he appears.”

He turns his body, so he’s fully facing me. “If you ever feel like this again, I want you to call me right away. Even if that voice inside your head is telling you it’s nothing, call me anyway. You’re not alone, y/n. And I will do anything and everything it takes to make you see that.”

I squeeze his hand, and nod. “I promise, Derek.”

“Good. Now let's go get you your medication.” 

I nod, letting go of his hand, and releasing the seat belt, and climbing out of the car.

The pharmacist greeted me with my name and a smile, handing me the white paper bag that held a refill that was long overdue.

Before leaving, my eyes caught something inside a soda cooler at the front. 

Derek stops and follows my eye. “What is it, love bug?”

I point to a purple bottle. “When I was a kid, and I had a bad day at school, or life just got to be too much, my mom and I would go to the movies, and watch the most cringy, bad looking movie they were showing. We would sit in the back and eat our weight in popcorn while making fun of everything. And she would always get a large grape fanta for us to share.”

He smiles, and steps forward, opening the door, and grabbing a bottle. “I think this constitutes a grape fanta than.”

It’s getting easier to smile at him.

He buys it, and we head back out to the car. 

We sit, and he waits until the pill is down my throat, followed by fizzy grape soda. It's tart and sweet at the same time, and I lick my lips of the stickiness.

The music is a little louder on the drive back.

When we enter the door, the first thing I notice is the smell. It smells like Italian, and the best Italian at that. 

I walk into the kitchen and I see Rossi, towel over his shoulder and wooden spoon in his hand.

He smiles when he sees me. “Ah, principessa, come. Taste. I know pesto cavatappi is a favorite of yours.” 

He ushers me forward, holding out the spoon with a bit of sauce on the end. 

I lean forward, capturing the end with my tongue. 

“Mmm.” I lick my lips, and chuckle a bit. “It’s really good.”

He smiles, setting the spoon down. “Good.” He wraps his arms around me, and pulls me into his embrace. He kisses the top of my head. “I love you, kiddo. Don’t you ever forget that.” 

I smile into his chest. “I won’t.”

“Good. Now go get cleaned up. Dinner is almost ready.”

I nod, setting my soda down on the counter, and walking through my apartment. 

It doesn’t even look like mine. It’s lighter and clean, and every shadow that played tricks on my mind are no longer there.

I look around at the apartment, taking note of how much was done in the time I was gone.

The broken mirror no longer hangs on the wall, mocking me. My couch is back to its original position against the wall, and my windows are closed, the curtains open, letting all the natural afternoon light in. 

My laptop is set up and a playlist of feel good songs is playing softly through its speakers. 

I can’t help myself. 

I start to cry, and I clamp a hand over my mouth, looking around at the room.

How could I have not seen this?

“Oh no, you’re crying. What is it? Can I fix it? What can I do? Tell me what I can do?” Penelope rushes over, her hands running over my arm. 

JJ, Emily, and Hotch enter at her exclamation. JJ is holding a fresh set of clothes for me.

“They’re good tears, Pen, they’re good.” 

The feeling in my chest is warm.

They move around me, hands coming to gently grasp at me.

“I just forgot that I have a family. I don’t know how but I did.”

Aaron smiles at me.

“And man does it feel good to be reminded.”

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[mypimpademia]

Bakugo, Todoroki, and Shinso quarantining w black s/o

Bakugo x Todoroki x black!reader x Shinso

TW: Swearing, refers to sexual activities at the end of each of them

Note: Yes, I did do most of this stuff in quarantine. [And they're aged up as always]

BAKUGO

He honestly feels like he's losing his shit

And he probably would if he did have you with him

You guys are staying up all night and watching Wild n Out, Basic to Bougie, 90 Day Fiance, all that shit

And of course Bad Girls Club

He claims he hates 90 Day Fiance and BGC, but he stays watching that shit, even if he has the remote or youre on his phone

His sleep schedule is fucked up

And by fucked up, I mean its a few hours past the old man's bed time

He goes to bed at 1 am now instead of 9 pm

But still wakes up at 9 am

He took a leave on hero work because of covid

He loves his job almost as much as he loves you (aw💖)

But hes not gonna risk his health for it

"Fuck all that bullshit, as much as I love my job, I'm staying my ass in this house. And you are too. I'll be damned if you catch it, especially if its from me."

Yall only go out once a week

He could minimize it to once every other week, but he tried that and it almost drove him crazy

There aren't any exceptions unless there's an emergency

Makes you wear gloves and use a reusable mask that he washes as soon as yall get home

And you get mostly essentials but he'll ask you if you want candy or anything and he'll buy a big box of brownie mix if you like brownies just to hold you over for a while

Also stocks up on meds like pain killers and allergy pills

No fucks given, he will hit up different stores for toilet paper

"WHY ARE ALL THESE FUCKIN IDIOTS TAKING THE TOILET PAPER?? I KNOW DAMN FUCKIN WELL YALL DONT SHIT THAT MUCH, AND HALF OF YALL PROBABLY DONT EVEN WIPE."

Hes gonna experiment with cooking more now that he has time

Writes down all the recipes that work out

Youre his taste tester so you best believe you bouta be eatin good 😌

If you want your hair done he'll order it online unless yall are already out

Hes gonna make sure that you're eating good and feeling okay because these are tough times 🥺

But hes gonna do it in his own way and act like he's not concerned

"Hey idiot, do you wanna pass out? You haven't been drinking water today, I can tell. I'm getting you a full cup, you better drink it all."

"You haven't eaten anything today, I'm making you dinner."

"Your hair is dry, come here so I can help you put oil on it. I keep telling you to take care of it, ill laught at you if you go bald." He wont

Also has you work out with him do you can stay in shape

Libido?

Yessir

Every other day, anywhere (except in public because hes not about to get sick), at anytime

It goes 50/50

Sometimes its just because hes in the mood

Other times hes feeling really soft and wants to show you that he loves you

All in all its a mixture of Bakugo losing his shit and loving you all in one

TODOROKI

He's pretty chill about it

Just super bored

Starts watching BGC, binges Basic to Bougie and 90 Day Fiance

Oddly enough he really enjoys watching Love & Hip Hop????

He finds it interesting

Especially likes Cardis season because its funny and hella memes came out of it

Don't get me wrong tho I aint a Cardi stan but you gotta admit that she's mad funny im a barb at heart tho

His crackhead really comes out over quarantine

He'll start referencing random ass memes

Hes mostly on leave for hero work unless they really need him

In that case he wears a mask and gloves out

When he gets home the first thing he does is reference BGC

"WHATS UP BAD BITCHES"

And thats how you know he's home

Goes to bed at like 1:30 - 2 am

Only because he doesn't want to be passed out if he's needed for hero duties

Goes out every other week

Mainly for basic essentials, but if you want a little extra he'll buy it

Anything else he'll buy online

Also goes to other stores to buy more toilet paper

Figured out that hes really good at crochets

So if you want your hair done he'll order any crochets you want off Amazon and do them for you

Takes care of you and makes sure your doing well all together

"Did you eat today baby?"

"How much water have you had today?"

"Have you been putting oil on your hair?"

Lotsss of cold soba

But he cooks a few other things so that its not the same thing 24/7

Asks Fuyumi for help when he doesn't know how to cook something super well

If you're the type to go to bed hella late, he'll make sure you sleep a full 8 hours

Even if you wake up after 5 he'll ask you to take a nap with him

Has you work out with him every now and then so you can both stay healthy

Not too much libido

He didn't get in the mood like that even before quarantine

Its not every other day like Bakugo though

More like twice a week

Anymore than that and it'll probably be because you needed it rather than him

If its after a mission it'll be slower just so he can show you how much he loves and appreciates you for being someone he can come home to and just being you

If its more spontaneous he'll be slightly rough but still a pretty slow

But it's a lot of crackhead Todoroki and soft Todoroki

SHINSO

He's doing fine

Just more bored than usual

I feel like Shinso likes cartoons so hes rewatching a bunch of childhood cartoons

Steven Universe, Adventure Time, Regular Show, all that good shit

Lotsss of cartoon quotes

Yall are having a pillow fight and he grabs 2 pillows and claps you?

"Cheatin ass bitch."

"Street rules, man." (Regular Show quote for those who don't know)

Please sing the bacon pancake song (Adventure Time) with him while yall make breakfast

He'll be so happy

If you do something stupid hes gonna do a lemon grab (Adventure time) quote

"UNACCEPTABLE"

On leave for hero work

Really doesn't care about getting himself sick unless he gets super sick or dies

But hes not about to get you sick

He'd genuinely rather get himself sick and die than get you sick

Yall go out twice a week

Once to get essentials and another just to get out

I feel like shinso is a decent cook so he'll cook for you

Write down recipes that you like

Also gets some off the internet

Works better with natural hair than braids and crochets

So he'll do slick backs for you and maybe give you a ponytail or something if you ask but he'd rather do 100% natural just because hes better at it and he likes natural black hair

Can also do half wigs

Takes care of you more than himself

So you have to take care of each other

"Did you drink water today, Doll?"

"I did, did you?"

"Did you eat today?"

"No, and you haven't either. What should we eat for lunch?"

"You havent been putting oil on you hair. Do you want me to help you, kitty?"

Small work out sessions

Maybe like 15 min a day

Full body tho because hes too lazy to split up days

Does to bed at like 4 - 6 am

Mostly just watching YouTube and binging cartoons and eating

Insomnia Cookies? (If you dont know, its a cookie place that delivers till 3 am and theyre so good-)

YESSIRRR

Yall gain back any weight you burned off from exercising earlier that day

Pizza, cookies, chicken nuggets, fries, fried chicken, etc.

Basically just a constant sleep over

Libido to the max

Once or twice a day

Nothing public because germs

Normally rough

But every now and then he'll get soft and just tell you how much he loves you and appreciates you

His aftercare for times like that consists of a bubble bath, lots of hugs, food and cartoons😌

[shades0fblu3]

6:45 pm

I look in the mirror and feel at peace, maybe I am enough. Two drops of water fall from my wet hair and land on my shoulders. I open the bathroom door and walk out, the steam from inside runs along with me, faster. I want to listen to music, all happy songs today.

7:30 pm

I'm listening to happy songs, I skip through the sad ones that pop up occasionally, maybe I am feeling good after all. The pages are scattered all over my desk and my laptop is half closed. My reasonably wet hair swing above them, some drops falling on the paper, making dry puddles.

7:45 pm

I'm hungry now, I haven't eaten since the past 26 hours, I've kept count. I feel sick. So much for being happy. I open my phone and go through my texts, I definitely do not feel good. Why am I not dealing with my feelings? I throw my phone across the room, for the first time not caring if it broke. Why am I ignoring my own thoughts? I don't feel good. I don't feel enough.

8:00 pm

I run to take another bath, I don't know why. It just feels good. I want to be alone. My thoughts go back to the time I was alone, when I had no one. Why did I hate it so much? I was happier. The water engulfs my head, cooling it down. I wish I could stay like this forever, I wish I could dissapear. Why is it so hard to face what I've done? Have I even done anything? I feel so sick, I need someone next to me.

8:18 pm

I'm in my room again, the music is sad now, it's dark. There's one strand of moonlight fighting it's way through the curtains, my cheeks are wet and I feel nothing. I'm numb and I'm not sure if that's good. I roll over and stare into the darkness.. I messed up again.

8:24 pm

I picked myself back up again, the light is on now. It hurts my eyes. I'm still numb though, I open my laptop breathe in and study. I chuckle a little,

Imagine being enough

[playquiz]

Why I didn’t eat for 72 hours

At 2:30 pm on Sunday, February 25, she stopped eating for 72 hours until 2:30 pm today, Wednesday, February 28.

Which raises the question: "Why do you do that?"

why not? I love testing my mental stability, and after all, I read about the benefits of more extended fasting, he was eager to take advantage of the positive effects. Why fast? We eat at regular intervals every day for many reasons, but perhaps the main reason is that we have been adapted this way. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are recognized on the day when most people stop eating, and as if that was not enough, there are also opportunities for food between those meals called "snacks." But there's no fixed biological rule that says we need to eat every 4-6 hours, but we've trained our bodies with these regular eating patterns to feel hungry at these times and because it makes it a more social event. We are told that if we don't eat regularly, all sorts of harmful things that may happen to us for a long time "little and often" is the slogan. But human species would not have survived as long as they exist if regular eating is a necessity. Fasting has never been promoted because it is a concept that no one will make money because it will not contribute to the sales of the comprehensive display of snacks that have become available over the past five years and are worth billions. Many foods in our modern diet (especially cereals and sugars), along with eating always, have made our bodies lazy and have stopped their ability to work in their energy stores. Fasting forces your body to function as it is designed and able to get rid of various sources of fuel. I have tried intermittent fasting for eight years now and have tried many different methods, but so far it has been my most extended speed for 24 hours, usually once a week. The health benefits of fasting As is often known, short-term discomfort can lead to long-term benefits, and this is what attracts me in these crazy experiences, and I like to try them. But much research has shown that there are many benefits to fasting. The body reacts well to acute (non-chronic, which has quite the opposite effect) and exits the other side stronger. Getting out of your comfort zone causes your body to thrive and become weaker as a result of not doing so often enough other parts of our lifestyle, not just in terms of nutritional terms. Self-phagocytosis (literally "self-eating") is central to the benefits of fasting and is essentially a biological process that plays a significant role in the body's ability to detoxify, repair, and renew itself. By activating the autophagy process, your body will start killing or eating cells that accumulate as a result of your lifestyle or cleaning dead, diseased or worn-out cells. But some of these elements are difficult for us to control. It is like our bodies built-in a recycling system that allows us to work more efficiently and help ward off many diseases, including preventing the growth and development of cancer. Not only that, but low autophagy (a condition in which many diets leave us) leads to accelerated cell aging. It's also amazing how much research has focused specifically on how fasting promotes autophagy in the brain and can be a very effective way to slow neurodegeneration that can help protect against Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease. On top of all this, regular fasting helps reduce chronic pain, rheumatic diseases, high blood pressure and anything related to inflammation. Fasting is much more beneficial than just stimulating the removal of all old cellular parts and damaged toxins, as it stimulates the human growth hormone (which has decreased in my life about 40% since I was in my twenties) which enables our bodies to start producing some of the cells that Recently Renovated, HGH is also responsible for maintaining and building lean muscle mass that when in their forties is not as easy as it used to be. Extended fasting forces the body to use stored glucose and fats, but it also breaks a large portion of white blood cells. If you know the role that white blood cells play about our health, this does not sound good news. Still, the depletion of white blood cells causes changes, even with a short 3-day fast that has been shown to replenish immunity. The system begins with research that indicates the starvation of a kick. The body's stem cells produce new white blood cells, which fight infection. Scientists also found that prolonged fasting also reduces the enzyme PKA, which is associated with aging and a hormone that increases the risk of cancer and tumor growth. But you have to get rid of old things before you start bringing in new ones, so the process of destruction is just as necessary as the process of creation. What stops autophagy? Eating food. It does not take much, and for this, the autophagy is unique to fasting and something. So  How do you fast then? Do not eat anything. Drink only water. Not much, not much. • Do the same activity for you. Sleep as much as you feel you need. I went to live as usual (although it was -8 here in Switzerland so I didn't walk as much as I usually do) and did two sessions about right or wrong body weight, one on the first day and the other on the third day. The advice also tends to make sure you spend a week not eating a lot of carbohydrates, reduce your caloric intake a little and try some short fasting. But I always eat more at this time of year and more carbs, so I didn't follow the rules there either. The only thing that I thought was good is that February is not a month of coffee for me, so there are no caffeine withdrawal symptoms for anxiety. What happened when fasting? Sunday at 2:30 pm they ate the last meal Weight: 57 kg The first day: Monday 6:30 am: Wake up, leave the rest of San Pellegrino from last night. Weight: 56.7 kg 7 am: I had to prepare breakfast for the rest of the family and prepare packed lunches that weren't a big deal today because I wasn't hungry at all and usually don't eat until 10:30 am anyway. 8.30–9.30 am a boot camp with mainly bodyweight exercises but few with extra weight. It was 8 o'clock outside this morning, so we made the indoor choice. As I said, the advice is not to participate in any "formal" exercise, but so far, my day is, as usual, I ignored it. Take sips of water throughout the exercise and may only drink 250ml of water. Midnight: The first sign of hunger as I felt (and heard) my destroyed stomach but wore quickly after two cups of warm water. I discussed putting a slice of lemon in there but then decided I didn't want my taste signal to stimulate my body to digest mode. 2.30 pm: 24 hours of fasting and feel good. It's strange because I did a lot of fasting 24 hours (usually one per week), and I'm always happy when it's time, and I can eat again but this time is different. Since I know, I cannot eat for another two days. My body is not asking for food. I am fascinated to see what "real" hunger looks like. 4:00 pm: I went to buy food! How inappropriate it is for my family to keep eating all this time (totally not suitable for children by the way, just in case you thought this was a serious comment). I bought some of the things I used to breakfast and even seeing a tattoo of all the food didn't make me want anything. I have always had a strong determination to take on any challenge that I have seen, and this is no different. I even made banana bread (which I love) and prepared carrots and chickpeas for girls after having a snack at school. 7.00 pm: I'm still not hungry, it's the weirdest thing. It might contain about a liter and a half of water yet. You must be careful not to drink too much. 8:00 pm: Time seems to be moving slower... It is very productive and does not eat. I have accomplished so much! 10:30 pm The second day: Tuesday 6:30 am: I woke up after a perfect sleep but felt a little shaky. He had some warm water and sat for only 10 minutes. After about an hour, I felt normal again. Weight: 55.6 kg 10:30 am: Even though I haven't eaten more than 44 hours yet, I'm still not hungry. Don't worry, though, my mind feels some mystery. I wonder if this is from toxins coming out of damaged cellular material and throwing them into the bloodstream? I don't feel tired or lethargic. 2.30 pm: 48 hours. 24 hours to go! 7.00 pm: Hungry at dinner time, but I still prepare dinner and sit with my family while they were only eating to be social. I love to challenge myself! 8:00 pm: Fasting and hunger cannot be noticed when you are busy, so it was a good opportunity to be truly productive. 9:00 pm The Epsom salt bath was bothering me, so I went straight to bed after 10 pm. The third day: Wednesday 6:30 am: I woke up feeling shaky again and made a decision not to do Bootcamp today... but then I felt fine and changed my mind and thought I would do as little or as much as I could. Weight: 54.6 kg 8.30–9.30 am. I surprised myself and worked pretty much as usual, which I found very strange due to the lack of glycogen in my muscles. He even threw a few batches there! A little excited to eat again later in the day, and I'm glad I started fasting at 2:30 pm, which isn't long to wait for now. Midnight: It seems like the day is going slowly. Strange I don't have these outages in the food, but I think I am beginning to expect this now until my mind gets ready and becomes patient. So, write this blog to keep it busy. 2.30 pm It's over, I did. 72 hours without food. But what is happening now? How do you end fasting? How to end fasting "safely." "Refeeding" is the process of providing food steadily to your body in a way that does not completely break down your system. The most significant danger is something called a refeeding syndrome, as reinserting food increases insulin to the point that causes an unsafe situation. It is often a worry about fasting five days or more, and when you lose a lot of body weight. To prevent this from happening, you must steadfastly resubmit foods to the body over a day or two, and move steadily to the top of how difficult it is to digest something, ending in meat. Some say that you should refeed any number of fasting. But what I find strange is that many tips on fasting indicate that you should start with fruits and vegetables because they are easy to digest. Plants make sense, but fruit? Most fruits have a relatively high glycemic index, which means a significant rise in insulin. I no longer eat a lot of fruit anyway stuck with some green vegetable soup. I'm also going to dynamically relocate the small intestine (healthy bacteria that live inside your gut) in the next few days with some vegetable powders, pickled cabbage and kefir, which are all great sources of probiotics. The next thing on the list is desiccated coconut meat because it is shallow in blood sugar and rich in fat, which is the only significant nutrient that does not increase insulin. What then? Overall, this was a very positive experience. My mentality has been tested again, which I think will always stand well about other challenges that come my way. There were hardly any negatives, and hopefully, the few positives have been entirely animated by the positives. It will be interesting to know how long it takes to replace glycogen and the weight of the water and how it will feel to re-enter the food. As I said, there is an incredible number of health benefits of fasting so I will continue intermittent fasting every day (fasting for 14-16 hours each day and having an 8 to 10-hour intake window is the preferred method). I will probably repeat fasting for three days like this every three months. Disclaimer: As with all self-experiences on your body, they are not suitable for everyone and if you have any doubts, consult your general physician before performing any type of fasting. For example, it is not ideal for pregnant women or children.

[jason-todd-deserved-better]

Bad Days - Jason Todd x Reader

AN: Did I ever mention that I miss writing for Jason? Because I really miss my man. Anyway, I wrote this last night when I was in one of my moods, so this is just me trying to comfort myself. Anyway, hope you guys have a beautiful day, and I hope you guys enjoy! Also, let me know what you guys think. Love you guys!

There are days where everyone just wants to hide in a hole, wrapped in a comforter and just never want to come out. Today was currently one of those days.

Often enough, you were usually a happy, go-lucky person, or at least everyone thought so. But as the saying goes, the ones with the biggest smiles and the brightest laughter are the ones hurting the most. And god you were hurting.

The day had started out well enough, the sun was shining through the window, and it was a pleasant surprise to see Jason still there, bare chest slowly rising and falling as he breathed. His face was peaceful as he slept, relaxed in a way that would be nearly impossible if he were awake.

For a few moments, you just laid there facing him, memorizing every detail as he dreamed. Until you glanced at the digital clock at his side of the bed, blaring its red numbers a time that you should see on your phone while on the way to work. Definitely not while in bed with only one of Jason’s shirts covering your body.

So as fast and quietly as you could, you got dressed and ran out of your apartment to get to work in a timely-ish manner.

But every once in a while, fate loves screwing us over, and today it decided to just fuck you in the ass. With a cactus.

You were thinking this as you were on a delayed train while praying to whatever deity is out there that your boss wouldn't be a complete bitch when you got into the office.

The deities weren’t listening as when you got there, the screaming feast that happened really made you want to find a hole to crawl into. All you could do was apologize profusely, consistently saying that it would never happen again and that you seriously needed this job.

When it was finally over, you did your work to the best of your ability, half distracted and distraught but you got what you needed to do done. Yet your boss decided that you weren’t done and gave you another assignment that was due first thing tomorrow morning. Now not only had that hole sounded very nice to jump into, but you were looking to wrap yourself in a fluffy comforter, but now that wasn’t going to happen until much later.

You weren’t able to leave the office till about 7:30 PM, an extra two and a half hours added to your hellish day. Now it was a miracle and a half that you weren’t mugged while heading home. That was just about the only good thing that had happened in the past twelve-ish hours.

But your day was getting to you, the words of your boss swirling around in your mind as the tears started pooling in your eyes when you unlocked your apartment door.

Going straight to your bedroom you faceplanted into bed, pulling the fluffy bed sheets over your head, trying to block out the world.

Well, you did an excellent job at it, because you didn’t hear Jason come in through your window. You only realized it when the blanket as lifted from your head and see his worried face.

“Y-Your home early,” You stutter, wiping your cheeks to wipe away the tears that just kept coming.

He sat on the bed and pulled you on top of him, holding you close to his chest. “What happened?”

“People suck, work was literal hell, and today just sucks,” You choke up, muttering into his shirt.

“I know the feeling, doll,” He says, rocking you back and forth.

You look up, seeing that he was there, but his mind was also somewhere else. “Bad day for you too?”

“Yeah,” Jason’s grip on you gets slightly tighter, “You could say that,”

“What happened, Jay?”

He sighs closing his eyes, almost as if he sees the scene again right in front of him. “A woman was murdered because I got to there too late,” He lets out a shaky breath, “Bruce pulled me away before I could really do damage on the piece of shit who killed her.”

“And that’s why you’re home early.” You state plainly, it always put you off when Jason talked about killing, it often scared you.

“She looked like you, (Y/N),” He mutters into your hair, shaking slightly, “God, all I could think about was what if it was you? What if I was too late and that sick bastard took you from me?”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby, no one is going to take me away,” Your hold on him tightens, “And god forbid if it does happen then you do me a favor and don’t go off the deep end.”

He chuckled darkly, “I can’t promise that, doll.”

“Then just try, okay?” You say cupping his cheeks in your hands.

“Okay, but I’m not letting anything happen to you, doll, that I can promise.”

Laughing a little, you respond, “I know, Jay,”

“Good.” He states, getting up, holding you in his arms and starts walking to the door.

“Where are we going?” You ask, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“To the kitchen, I’m pretty sure you haven’t eaten anything all day,”

“Okay how you know this freaks me out, but very true.”

And so the rest of the night you spent in each other’s company. Even though you guys had horrible days, as long as you were there for each other, then it all felt better.

[silvana-fangirls]

Target [Dabi x ua!Reader] Chapter 7

I really don’t even want to excuse myself, but I kinda have to because I don’t know when the next update it’s gonna be up and it’s for the exact same reason so...

Hey guys, it’s me... after so much time. First of all I wanna thank the ones that reached out to me through my ask box (I will answer those in a sec) and through PM. I am okay, just crazy busy I suppose. We got a new project in the place I work so it’s really been consuming my life for the past month... that and college. So yeah, it’s been hard. i haven’t even been able to reblog or so much like posts here on tumblr aaaand I’m still dealing with it so while I wanna promise that the next update will be up soon I don’t wanna lie to you guys. I’m not saying ‘IT’S GONNA TAKE MONTHS!!!!’ because it can take only days or weeks, but it depends... and I don’t wanna compromise. 

Anyways, feels good to be back and update this. Feels good to dive in in this story as well... I’ve missed it. 

I hope you enjoy this chapter, tho. Please let me know. 

ALSO READ NOTES AT THE END THEY ARE IMPORTANT

Links to chapters:

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6]

TAG TO FIC IS: SILVANA WRITES : TARGET

READ IT IN [AO3]

or below the cut

Dabi felt like he lost a small battle when he sent Twice to give the girl her next meal after the ‘incident’ or whatever that type of situation could be called.

It felt like somehow he complied what she ordered him to do, and following orders never sat well with him. So, he kinda was cursing at himself right now for ‘giving in’ in some way.

It wasn’t because he wanted to please her in any way, though. It was mostly because of her words left him mute at that moment.

“Just tell me what you want from me”

The fact that he didn’t even have an answer for himself was pissing him off.

What was the true reason why he was the one who was acting as a maid?

Shigaraki didn’t ask him to do so. He didn’t even mention the girl once when he talked to him these past days (he did mention her to the other members of the League, though. Dabi found that quite odd but haven’t really commented on it. It’s not like he was interested anyways).

It just sort of happened before he could even realize what was going on.

The first morning in the new base Twice was sent in his civilian outfit to get something to eat for the prisoner. It seemed that it only downed to them that the girl hasn’t really eaten anything in more than a day, and it wouldn’t really be convenient if she died on them accidentally. Killing her would be more profitable.

Twice returned quickly from his small trip to the nearest grocery store, possibly because one of his ‘sides’ somehow had a little soft spot for the girl. He was quick to put on his suit again and heat up a small cup of instant noodles before rushing to her ‘room’. All while Dabi’s eyes followed his every move from the only couch that the base had, that was conveniently placed somewhere with a very great view of her door.

Magne was sent to the grocery store later in the day, since Shigaraki trusted her with food much more than anyone else in the place. She returned a couple of hours later, casually commenting that she only stole half of the stuff she brought with her.

Spinner then offered to help with the food. They made omurice for the League and lazily put some frozen nuggets in the small oven for the prisoner.

The next thing Dabi knew was that he snatched her tray of food just before Twice could get his hands on it.

“I’ll take care of it” The words slipped out of his mouth.

He could feel Shigaraki’s eyes on him as he made his way towards the girl’s room.

He brushed it off.

It wasn’t the first time something like this happened to him. It’s been happening for the past years of his life. He unconsciously realized he wanted to do something and he did it. No doubts, no questions asked, no overthinking.

He functioned better this way, and he liked functioning this way, too.

He won’t ever get ordered around again, he won’t ever hast for permission or give explanations for his actions.

Once he got in front of her door, he simply unlocked it and opened it up to then see her laying on her bed with her back facing him.

She didn’t turn around or flinch, she didn’t even tense up. In fact, she seemed quite comfortable where she was, considering she was currently kidnaped by villains and held somewhere unknown.

He found that quite odd.

He began to walk towards her, expecting her to turn around at some point, but she didn’t. It was only when he was close enough to the bed that she did turn.

He clearly saw how her eyes turned from slightly confused to completely horrified.

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a bit pleased by that.

Horrified eyes instantly turned into a death glare, though.

She turned her back to him again, and spat out “I’m not hungry” in such an angered way that Dabi couldn’t keep the corners of his mouth from lifting up.

He carefully placed the tray on her bed, and simply settled to sit laying on the opposite wall.

Again, he didn’t know why. But something about her being all tensed up now made him stay and watch.

It didn’t take long to watch her explode.

She got up and snapped at him like a rabid puppy –quite amusingly if he may add- while he simply looked at her lazily. He could see that she was fighting the urge to hit him with something, but she was smarter than that.

Because it definitely wouldn’t be pretty for her if she dared to touch him.

When she finally gave in and ate, he felt something he was sure he never felt before in his life.

Dabi liked challenge, to an extent. A very, very short extent if he was being honest.

After his entire childhood and puberty was a constant competition he wasn’t very fond of the feeling in a certain way.

He didn’t like the fact that when he was competing against something or someone, somehow, he felt like he didn’t have his own rails. He felt like someone else had control over him, and it would only give him that sour taste in his mouth he was very familiar with from the past.

Still, he found that he did enjoy certain challenges now. Like challenging over power, over control. It was mostly involved with his villain ‘job’ per say. Otherwise, his life was pretty careless, lazy or easy going.

He didn’t give a shit about most things.

But now, seeing that oddly mixture of challenge yet fear in her eyes he couldn’t help but feel a pull towards it.

What was going on in this girl’s mind?

He knew that he was pretty much hideous.

Burns and staples all over his face was a look straight out of a horror movie. He knew that she knew his quirk was pretty much devastatingly powerful as well. Lethal. And he was also positive that people were able to tell that feelings weren’t really fond of him so ‘mercy’ or ‘compassion’ were definitely not written across his forehead.

While she was being partially smart to be afraid of him, she was also being partially stupid to snap on him like that or look at him in a challenging way at all.

She was lucky he was curious enough about her not to roast her off to a better life for simply daring to annoy him.

Oh-

That was it.

He was curious. He was curious about her.

And he had plenty reasons to be.

Her past, her insistence of fighting even if she doesn’t stand a chance, her self-sacrificial antics, her wishes to be a heroine.

But most important of all, the feelings that she expressed every time her parents were mentioned. Feelings that mirrored his own perfectly.

He figured that he wanted to know exactly how things went down. He wanted to know everything, from the beginning. Perhaps it was because he never really encountered anyone that has been through a similar situation or whatever; he didn’t really care what his inner-unconscious motives were after all.

But it wasn’t only that…

If he was being honest he never really had any experiences with girls (obviously not romantically speaking) other than family or Toga (that didn’t count because she was batshit crazy, so, she wasn’t really a reference). He never got a chance to. But, even still, he knew that this particular girl was not ordinary.

Before she asked that damned question that left him mute as an idiot he would confidently say that the reason why he kept on being the one that gave her meals was because he was curious and he wanted to observe her like she was some rare animal in the zoo (not that he ever went to the zoo, but… whatever). But after she asked that he realized that what he was doing was actually pointless, considering that 99% of the time she would be ignoring him or snapping at him. So, what was there to ‘learn’ that would satisfy his curiosity if he was just sitting there for half an hour or so watching her do pretty much nothing?

That’s why he sent Twice in today, and he was mentally kicking himself for it. Not just because in some way he did what she told him to, but also because he let stupid, meaningless words to affect him enough to overthink them.

What did he want from her?

To join them? No. Not really.

Mostly because she hated her parents and she doesn’t want to follow their steps.

So, if it wasn’t that, what was it?

The only thing left (besides the curiosity issue) was that he now acknowledged and accepted in a way that he enjoyed being challenged by her.

When she threw the tray of food making it crash and splatter all over the floor he felt a sudden rush of anger in his blood. He was furious. Because how dare this helpless school girl defy him in any way?

But part of him enjoyed it as well. The challenge.

And maybe that was the reason why he was with her lunch on one hand while unlocking and opening the door with the other.

It was the first time she wasn’t facing backwards to the door. In fact, she was sitting cross-legged on the bed while reading a book. It was also the first time he saw her in a different set of clothes and with her hair down and slightly wet.

He instantly remembered that Twice was sent to buy some clothes for her early in the morning after Shigaraki said ‘We’re still freaking recruiting her or did every of you idiots forget about that already?’

She was now wearing a simple yellow T-shirt and some sports shorts. Both too incredibly large for her, but then again he couldn’t even imagine what shopping with Twice would be like.

The book was probably doing of the side of Twice that thought the girl was a toddler.

She lifted her gaze right after the door closed behind him and he saw how her eyes widened slightly before returning to her reading.

He did the exact same thing as any other day: Place the food tray on her bed and go straight to sit in the exact same spot he always did.

It was kind of surprising to hear her talk right away.

“I thought you were finally released from maid duty” She said without even bothering to look up from her book.

A chuckle threatened to escape his throat.

Yeah, this girl is definitely not ordinary.

“Missing Twice already?” He said mockery pretty clear in his voice. “Sorry to disappoint you, princess, but he seems to have a thing for Toga” He said looking straight at her with a smirk in his face. “Part of him, at least”

She sent him a vicious death glare, but turned to her book right after.

“Rather be with him than with you” She merely commented, as casual as she could.

“Ouch” He simply said and she glared at him again.

She closed the book for a moment and grabbed the tray, placing it on top of her knees to then calmly starting to eat the gyudon that was in front of her, flinching and scrunching her nose right after tasting the first bite.

He didn’t blame her. Compress cooked today and it was a complete disgustingly disaster.

She kept on eating, though.

“Why did you come back?” She casually asked like she was talking about the weather. “To burn me again?”

“I didn’t burn you” He answered after a few seconds. Yeah, he wordlessly threatened to but his palm wasn’t hot enough to actually burn her.

“Right” She said, and after sipping some water she continued. “Why not, though? Will get you in trouble?”

She was taunting him.

He narrowed his eyes just barely at her to then smirk ever so slightly.

“Not at all” he said. “I just thought that burning you isn’t a really effective way to convince you to join” He said the first thing that came to mind.

“Yet you burned Bakugou and you were trying to ‘convince’ him, too”

His eyebrows lifted ever so slightly at the sudden mention of the angry boy’s name.

“Still mad about that?” He asked at first. “I didn’t know you two were friends. Want me to send him an ‘I’m sorry’ card? I can add that you say ‘Hi’”

She quickly avoided his gaze with her jaw clenched.

They both stayed quiet for a few moments.

“Why don’t you just kill me?” She asked, breaking the silence.

The question definitely startled him.

“Huh?” He said, hiding completely his curiosity and startlement about the question.

She looked at him, dead in the eye.

“You heard me”

“You want me to kill you?” He asked. He didn’t take her for the cowardly type. In the few days she’s been captured, and ever since seeing her for the first time even, he thought that she was a pain in the ass, in a good way… sort of. That annoyingly persistent type of person that won’t stop pissing you off and wont budge until they got what they wanted.

The death exit definitely seemed coward compared to the initial impression he got from her.

What was off of this whole conversation was the lack of fear or desperation in her eyes while talking about death.

“Not necessarily you” She shrugged. “I mean the whole... Villains Gang or whatever the hell you guys call yourselves”

“’Villains Gang’?” He mentally scoffed.

“Y’all know I won’t join you” she continued. “I know you know” She said, referring to him in particular. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just kill me off and show it to the world?” She added, eyes never leaving his. “That’s still a win, isn’t it? That way you’ll still win and the Heroes lose. So what are you waiting for?”

He wanted to laugh at himself for being startled before, so he did. He let out a quiet snort.

Of course she was challenging him, again.

He didn’t know what her ultimate goal was but she was trying to get under his skin.

“I hope you’re aware that you’re playing with fire here, sweetheart” He warned.

“I didn’t know you were the punny type” She said completely disregarding his threat with an ‘innocent’ look on her face.

He chuckled again and started to walk towards her, getting a sickly pleasant feeling once he saw her tense up as fear flashed through her eyes for a moment.

He simply took her food tray with one hand while with the other he softly brushed hair out of her color drained face while looking straight into her eyes dangerously.

“You truly are something else, I’ll give you that” He said as he softly let go of her. “Just don’t get too comfy around here, okay?”

And then he left.

X

If Bakugou could blast the world off and turn it to ash, he would. He would, without a single doubt.

It’s been four days of coming and going to the Police station to check if they managed to get the lead of something –anything- but those fuckers where complete and utter incapable idiots.

It also seemed that without All Might and Best Jeanist the heroes turned into incapable idiots as well.

He kicked forcefully the door of his house, snapping it open soundly as he stomped through the halls making his way to his room.

“Katsuki?” His mother said as she got out of the kitchen. “Any news? Do they know anything about her?”

He didn’t answer; he simply stomped his way up the stairs and closed his door forcefully almost snapping it in two.

His hands were itchy, so unbearably itchy.

He needed to blast something off -or several somethings- before he went mad.

He was an incapable idiot, too.

How could he allow something like this to happen!? How did he even allow himself to get kidnapped in the first place!?

He sighed, his shoulders trembling slightly out of rage because of his last thought.

He was actually glad he was kidnapped, in a way.

He was glad that at least at the beginning that girl wasn’t on her own.

They should’ve stayed together. Either free or captive, but together.

He was supposed to become the world’s greatest hero, yet he allowed himself to get saved by a sacrifice.

He was at his home, safe and sound, while who knows where or how she was.

He should’ve gotten free of Kirishima’s grasp and tried to save her or sacrifice instead or at least get captured again with her.

His mind hasn’t stopped for a single second ever since he saw how she was carried by the crusty bastard through the portal, disappearing from his sight. Every single second was filled with her.

He couldn’t stop chastising himself, blaming himself and cursing himself after everything.

He was an incapable idiot. He was weak, and useless, and stupid.

He felt like shit, and the rumors running around the country weren’t helping either.

Instead of worrying about her most people were already dissing her.

Saying that she’d probably joined The League already.

Fuckers.

He was gonna find her, he was gonna bring her back and he was gonna prove all those fuckers wrong. She was gonna prove them wrong.

And he will make those bastards of The League of Villains pay.

Notes:

 I truly hope you enjoyed this....

Anyways, I’ve gotten several concerned reviews about a few issues so I guessed I should adress them to help calm down the insecurities of some of you:

Regarding Stockholm Syndrome: I am not really going for that... I mean yes, this is a romantic fanfic and yes our Reader/OC is captured but that’s really not exactly what I’m going for... I have the plot in my head already and while I can’t really give you details, I can assure you that it’s not gonna happen that way.

Regarding OverPowering: I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: I hate overpowered characters. I hate superman and I don’t like Captain America or any of those characters that are god send or ‘chosen ones’ or just invincible characters. I like characters with flaws, with drawbacks, with weaknesses. I like them to be human and relatable because i like to feel related to them. So don’t worry about that. She won’t become supergirl in the future or ever to be honest. 

Regarding the ‘She’ll join the league’ theory: She won’t. Oops. 

I know a lot of you want this, but I didnt create a strong willed character with strong convictions and dreams and beliefs and views just so she can forget about everything because of a boy of all things. Sorry, but nope. 

That doesn’t mean that Dabi is gonna switch sides either. Just wait and see. 

I guess that’s all... 

Anyways, thanks for all your amazing reviews! i truly appreciate them :)

Do you want a next chap?

-Silvana.

tag list: @buckybear97 @this-lost-child @aebeessun @ye-rinn@ihatemyselftoinfinityandbeyond @cindxalex @luvley-shadow@taeniix@roadtripsonspaceships @iana-therese@darkagedoctor @liliafangirls @darkfaethedestroyer @celestiallsunshine @meggy126

I’m so sorry if I missed anyone, please comment in THIS post or hit my ASK BOX to get tagged!

[tentacle-stylograph]

poof! magic! i’ve been on my computer since 7 pm to work on homework, and now it’s almost half past midnight!

and i’ve done NO homework!

and

...ugh. what happened

something happened, mentally, that threw me off. it was dumb and minor probably

...ugh. i think it was just... i was distracted by my not having company tonight while working on homework when i expected it. a friend said he'd be in the vc normally from 5 pm to midnight on Mondays and Tuesdays, but then i checked at 6 pm before working on stuff myself and saw a message that he'd be there today at 1 pm... so i missed him... i'd been looking forward to this

ugh

not his fault, of course. he didn’t do anything wrong. it wasn’t a hard scheduled thing or anything. i think also i was doing premature mental back patting as i’m wont to do because i posted my homework schedule as i’m also wont to do, and he was like “wow yeah that’s a packed schedule” and... ugh

i did zero homework. i think two hours ago or so i told myself i’d spend at least 20 minutes on an assignment because i saw how things were going mentally, with not doing anything, and i still haven’t done even 20 minutes

got distracted by some One Piece stuff on tumblr at some point and then subsequently adding to my queue and all that rabbit hole. oh yeah, also watched a “The Dark Secret of Discord” 30 minute video or something that was really just pretty basic internet safety stuff, messaged myself both the John Oliver blackmail video about internet tracking and a cyber security person reacting to that John Oliver bit but didn’t watch those even tho i looked at the comments a bit

i’d also planned to be off my comp by 9. and yet...

-sigh-

i really gotta figure out some system of self checking in, like “Okay, it’s been an hour since you got on your comp. have you started on homework? yes or no? if no, what are your thoughts that are building the mental block?”

yeah, i gotta figure out something ‘cause that “starting a timer when going to make a mobile entry here” has been hugely helpful

haven’t even eaten since 7, and i’d meant to

one happy thing: all three Pokemon Go gyms in view of my house are teamless. the mystery person other than me who’s been doing that got 2/4 gyms teamless, the very closest gym still had a team, so i logged into my lower level account (so i wouldn’t be matching teams) and knocked out that Pokemon. now 3/4 gyms are teamless and that’s pretty great. i really wanted to walk to the fourth gym and empty that one too, but was like “nah, that’d be like 40 minutes to an hour, and you gotta work on homework.” three hours ago.

-sigh-

anyway!

happy to have those three blank gyms. that’s fun :’)

thing to do:

• figure out self-check-in system so i don’t lose hours to distraction when i’d rather be doing other things

[acidwaste]

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

[woozi]

yes, english :3. it's funny my country is literally known for its diversity & endless languages (and it flexes about it too lmao) but in reality does nothing to help in/encourage learning other languages. hindi & eng are the only languages schools teach & 3rd one depends on what state you live in. minority languages are not even in options.

ahhh learning that people out there are trying to preserve their languages and culture <3 it feels good to know, i hope they keep doing it that's really great!

hehe that's good no? :3 trying out new stuff even if only for some time also has its charm <3 and oh godddd those are great picks! 24h & fallin flower will never fail to amaze me <3 callx3 & hit, so trueee i agree! i personally like 'oh my' too! along w/ these. since it clearly speaks for the song's lyrics. like wonu controlling the human cube in start & the thinking poses during chorus. it all vibes so well with the song's concept. i really like when choreo clearly speaks the song to the audience.

yesss ofc! i plan to complete vincenzo before year ends dhjdjdkd. NO WAYYY! PLEASE COME TO HOMECHA UNIVERSE <3 you'll love it here!! dimple couple are very wholesome so are others 🥺.

yes those are the playlists made by spotify! usually i don't like playlists' made by the app for other songs but with kpop especially for indie and rnb songs, i do sometimes check it.

cringe domestic boy made ME a cringe fan today, yza 😭 feeling so deranged rn </3. so many pictures by mr joshu??? are we living in right universe? (maybe i should b*lly him more? this is a sign) ALSO omg i've never heard abt joshua and woozi covering a 1d song fhdjjrkrkedn good for them djjdkddk.

HFJDDKSK 'forgotten love' <//3 next project. but yeah that's true, there is literally so much happening i feel like if i were to pay attention to everything i'd be overwhelmed.

the way you asked abt cb and they dropped the poster dhdjjdkd, i was going to say i actually don't have any particular thing in mind but i'd really like something like fear or good to me or getting closer. something stronger, also yes i agree w you we need some cock music <3 ( ik the insta pictures are behind pictures from their merch shoot but all these soft nature pictures on insta while their other social media accounts have dark layout is so funny to me 😭😭😭 pls don't shatter my strong fiery cb expectations svt)

i'm so surprised that they dropped the poster one month before cb, even more surprised with the scheduler too omggg 😭😭 i've become so used to 2 - 1.5 week before, cb announcements now lmao.

something abt this cb feels so different <3 ( also hoping for studio choom & dance relay this time </3 i miss it 🥺)

that's good to know <3 hope this good energy with uni persists for you <3. also saw that you'll get time during cb release that's so good <3 hope you get to enjoy it to the fullest. i'm doing great! it's raining too much here (it shouldn't rn 💀) so that's lil meh but overall i'm good, thank you for asking <3. omg pls 💗🥺 sending you a hug back!

hjdkdsk i was trying different font to make ask look lil smaller hddjdjkd but yes i do copy- paste bcoz i type in notes first :3 (in case tumblr decides its hungry which has not happened yet hdjdjd) - 🪂

ohh now i get it </3 it's still mostly like that here too, and a lot of native languages of ours are dying as well. it's one of the things i'm so sad abt :/ that's why i was v surprised when they somehow started incorporating more into secondary education!!

LOOOVE THAT PERSPECTIVE SM 😭 im just out here feeling like a jack of all trades, master of none lmao HFHJFDH ALSO YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! svt's peak summer concept (... or is it the only hdshjds) tbh <3 i love the choreo on the 2nd half of the chorus sm <3 also v great point!! a lot of creative directors focus on that and the way u presented this just piqued my interest bc... wow their methods Work Well HJDHJDSH

i haven't watched kdramas in a while (mostly bc they're so long fjfhdj) until i came across vincenzo and im so glad i did <3 JHDSHJDSJ SORRY I KEEP TALKING ABT IT ENDLESSLY!! BUT ALSO OMG a lot of my classmates have also been talking abt hometown chax3 and i keep putting it in my list but i saw that it's not finished yet?? is it not?? am i crazy??? from what i've seen on netflix new eps come weekly??? and if i become obsessed and the new ep takes a WHOLE ASS WEEK to come out... what then... but IM SOOO PUMPED FOR IT the previews i have been seeing look so cute </3

ALSO OMG ME TOO!!! i was actually v v surprised when i checked out one of the daily mixes and none of the songs in them were flops HJDHJ

HONESTLY,,, I GET IT,,,,,,, JOSHUA'S BEEN TAKING UP SPACE IN MY CRAMMED BRAIN TOO LIKE,,,, SIR,,,, NOT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD,,??? ALSO,,,,, JOSH FROM THE TEASER,,, OH MY GO,D,,, I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED BAD BOY JOSH IN MY LIFE????????? LIIKE??????????????? I NEVER EVEN IMAGINED IT WAS POSSIBLE????????????????????????? THAT I WOULD BE SEEING T H A T IN MY LIFETIME????????????/ CHURCH BOY JOSH,,, LOOKING LIKE THIS????????????????????????? HELP MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

and yes omg there were 2 performances of it iirc HFHJFDHJ here's the first one and another one 😭 also i can't find the josh x jihoon vid (i forgot the song title hfdhf) so here's predebut josh w sunday morning instead hfjhfd HJDSJHSD

and that's v v good that you're doing it at your own pace <3 love that <3 i feel like im working some kind of job keeping up w it all ngl 😭

AND HELL YEAH OH MY GODDD WE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GETTING A MIX OF ALL THOSE BASED ON THE CONCEPT TRAILER??? WE'RE NOT ONLY GETTING COCK MUSIC, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GETTING ROCK AS WELL 😭 ALSO UR SO RIGHT HFDHJDFJHFD there's literally no in between when u go to their official ig page they're like,,,,, here's some cute dicon teasers <3 oh and hoshi + mg being whores,,, AND THEN SOME COTTAGECORE BOYS!! <3 and now some fucking cock teasers <3 WHAT IS GOING ON 😭😭😭 everyday i wake up to new shit and although it is Some Work keeping up w them i love it sm it keeps me from going insane w real life fhjdfhj also i know we already talked abt this previously but w all the things coming out rn.... i ask... once again... How... do they have 276 hours in a day wtf 😭

ALSO YES WITH MY WHOLE FUCKING CHEST????????????????????????????????????? i was so surprised when it dropped 😭 i wasnt expecting anything so i turned off all my notifs that day so i could focus on studying and alas.... i was 40 mins late to the announcement oh my god

WHY ARE UR TAKES SO GOOD <3 UR SO VALID AND UR SO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just know,,, that the studio choom vid will take me out,, i KNOW IT,,, they really seem to be hyping up this cb it really does feel v diff and v Big to me <3 by the looks of it they really should tho it looks like a fucking banger!!

AND NAURR THE WAY U EVEN SAW THAT </3 i have the power of god and anime on my side this semester ig HJFHJFDHJFD i was honestly super worried (i kinda need to touch grass rn lol) that i would be late to the cb since my classes end at 7 pm and the boys usually release by 6 HJDHJSD but it seems like they're targeting another market now so i'm also relieved and excited for them!! and thank u omg, WE will enjoy it together!! <3 the global warming really is so- also do u not like rainy days or 👀 on the other hand it's SOOO fucking hot here when it should be raining so????????????? god what is HAPPENING.

also that is v smart of u <3 i've had WAYY too many asks get eaten.. you stay safe out there 😭😭😭

AGAIN!! LOVE U THANK U FOR HANGING OUT W MEEEE <3 IM SO EXCITED TO SPEND THIS CB W U!!

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 36-42

DAY THIRTY-SIX [FEB 6]

8:30 AM - Make a chemex and get to work.

10:00 AM - Pineapple!

12:45 PM - Heat up cheesy red lentil soup for lunch with a La Croix. 

4:00 PM - Do a 10-minute Peloton ride and a barre class. Barre class gets interrupted as I get text updates for the grocery order. I kind of end up half-assing it toward the end but I’m glad I got it done. 

5:45 PM - Prep the kitchen for the grocery order – incoming of bread, greens, tomatoes, onions, garlic, tempeh, tofu, tortillas, tortilla chips, pretzels, apples, jalapenos, lemons, limes, cabbage, cilantro, vegan sour cream, rice, chickpeas, pinto beans, frozen burritos, bell peppers, eggs, parsley, ginger, BBQ sauce, buffalo sauce, grapes, sprouts, brussels sprouts, green beans, miso, cloves, frozen pizzas, hamburger buns, plant yogurt, cucumber, carrots, chipotle seitan sausages, tomato paste, broccoli, bananas, celery, potatoes, clementines, hashbrowns, red lentil pasta, dijon, seltzer, pineapple, dark chocolate, strawberry jam, vegetable bouillon, zucchini, mushrooms, dried oregano, radish, & snap peas. $342.39

7:00 PM - roast potatoes and make veggie sandwiches. Drink a hibiscus mezcal cocktail too. MAX RELAX for the rest of the eve. It’s Friday baby!

 DAY THIRTY-SIX: $342.39

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN

9:30 AM - Slept in weird vibes. Feel tingly when I stand which means blood pressure is bad. We are seeing friends today and I don’t want to power through it so I just drink some soy sauce. It does wonders and I’m feeling better within 30 minutes. Make a Chemex and watch an episode of dessert person.

10:30 AM - Head out to our pals’ house (If you read my last diary series, they’re the people we used to go to Suns games with) in uptown Phoenix for an outside hang. We meet their new baby and he is super cute. Hang out 10 feet apart and it feels so normal and chill. I also find out that I apparently qualify for the vaccine because I work to facilitate education, so I need to look into that.

2:45 PM - K and I haven’t eaten today and we’re starving. We split a Daiya pizza and eat snack on chips and salsa while we wait. I also eat a clementine. 

5:30 PM - Feel my body starting to fade and I’m kind of barred out. Decide to walk to the lake. I do a bad job of getting my HR up but I still enjoy my time outside. 

8:00 PM - I’m not hungry at all from all the salt. Decide to eat a small bowl of cheesy lentil soup for dinner but mostly just pound the water while working on a post for oil-free Greek dressing.

8:30 PM - I notice someone posts a sample sale for Splits 59 which is one of my favorite workout brands. I’m hitting 250 Pure Barre classes this week and use it as an excuse to celebrate. Buy 2 pairs of leggings and a cute tank. $70

10:00 PM - Definitely at that point in the day where I feel like I’m just passing time.

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN TOTAL: $70.00

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

8:45 AM - Spend some time in bed adjusting my fantasy bball team. Still set to be undefeated in the more competitive league. Eventually make a chemex and post my oil-free greek dressing around the web. 

10:30 AM - I listen to a session on Mined, cook brunch (tofu/egg tacos with soyrizo) and and frantically get ready for M’s baby’s 1st bday. 

1:05 PM - Arrive at the party… what I thought was going to be just me, M, his wife, his mom, and his kid is actually them plus 6 other people hanging in the backyard. Not my favorite thing I’ve had to deal with this pandemic. Everyone is outside/masked. I learn that 2-3 of them have already been vaxxed but it’s still kind of a weird situation for me. I know if K was with me it would be bad news, so I am grateful he stayed behind today.

2:00 PM - Hightail it outta there once 4 more people show up. Listen to music really loud in the car and scream some lyrics on my way home. Feels good man.

2:45 PM - Continue listening to tunes at home, digging thru my Spotify discover weekly for the first time in a while and building a set that I want to record sometime next week.

3:15 PM - K’s brother and wife stop by and we do an outside masked hang with them for about an hour and a half. We haven’t seen them since December of 2019 so this is really really great.

6:00 PM - K and I keep talking about getting takeout but nothing sounds good so we just decide to do veggie sandwiches and potatoes. Drink wine.

7:00 PM - I decide to work on my tax stuff all evening instead of exercising. It takes 2 hours but I get all of my stuff together and send it to the guy. Pour myself a celebratory glass of wine after.

10:00 PM - K and I watch Beverly Hills Ninja in bed. I’d never seen it before and it was so good.

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT TOTAL: $0

DAY THIRTY-NINE

8:00 AM - Chemex. Pure barre weekly charge. $15

10:00 AM - A local bar down the street has been closed since March and a pal posts a GFM on their behalf. I donate to it. Eat a banana and a clementine $50

11:30 AM - Prep salad for the week - greens, gochujang tempeh, miso dressing, soba noodles, snap peas, carrots, and cucumber. Finish about 2 minutes before a call and I’m scrambling to appear composed.

5:30 PM - Do a pure barre livestream while K runs to go pick up dinner from a local vegan spot. K gets a fried chicken seitan sandwich and I get a burger. It’s really really delicious and I’m super stuffed after.

DAY THIRTY-NINE TOTAL: $65

DAY FORTY

8:30 AM - Chemex. Work is still kind of wild but I make a lot of progress on my report this AM so I’m feelin’ good there.

9:30 AM - Banana and clementine.

12:00 PM - Salad.

4:30 PM - Try to do a PB live stream (my 250th class) but Zoom’s server is being weird so I do a 30 min Peloton ride instead with a 5 min stretch.

6:00 PM - Veggie sandwiches with potatoes for din again. 

8:00 PM - A friend from highschool, N, and I chat and it’s really really great. I drink 2 glasses of wine while we catch up. 

DAY FORTY TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-ONE

8:30 AM - Oof my quads are sore. Make a chemex.

10:00 AM - Eat a banana.

11:00 AM - We’ve been dragging on the KN95 thing but decide to go for it today. Buy a pack of 50 in assorted colors, some Healthy Blood iron from Garden of Life, and poop bags for the dog. (Counting this expense as “home”) $98.04

12:00 PM - Spend time doing an analysis that doesn’t really tell me much but it was worth looking into. Eat gochujang tempeh salad

2:00 PM - I have a zoom scheduled with a work pal who I haven’t seen in forever. She tells me (much like the few others) that we qualify for the vaccine. I decide to make the appointment based on her feedback and after 40 minutes of messing with the system was able to get in on Feb 19.

5:00 PM - Take my 250th Pure Barre class! I am sweaty and it’s great.

6:45 PM - K isn’t really hungry so I eat the last of the red lentil soup.

7:30 PM - We have plans to see a friend in town from Ohio. Meet up with him at his hotel and sit on the front patio masked up for a while. I am mostly cold and have to pee.

9:45 PM - We arrive back home. I snack on a few pretzels, drink a glass of wine, eat some grapes and some dark chocolate.

DAY FORTY-ONE TOTAL: $98.04

DAY FORTY-TWO

8:30 AM - Chemex. My allergies are bad this AM. Send emails out - looks like my tax return is going to give me $1200 but then I owe $200 on my state. I always owe on state. One day… Also send a note to the loan guy who says I’m definitely going to close tomorrow at 8AM so we shall see.

10:30 AM - Tax invoice comes in. $220

11:00 AM - Boil some more soba noodles for salads. I’m basically going to be in meetings until 4:30 PM today so I’m trying to get ahead of all my stuff. Also do a check for all of the house painting things that came over the past week. Looks like it’s all here and I can start painting this weekend!

12:00 PM - Make salad in between calls and crack open a La Croix.

4:30 PM - My calls are done, do a 10 minute Peloton climb ride and then do a Pure Barre stream.

8:00 PM - Eat the last of the veggie sandwiches for dinner. Drink 2 glasses of wine and some dark chocolate. Something about tonight is off in my brain. I don’t have the capacity to be productive so I just watch episodes of The Challenge on my laptop while K plays Rocket League.

DAY FORTY-TWO TOTAL: $220

[madelinecoffee]

The Right People Ch. 2

Summary: Its Junior Year of college and after the break-up with her ex-girlfriend Riley Matthews wants to focus on school and her friends, most especially her new friendship with Lucas. She’s hoping that with the right people this year will be a great one. Fancast: x A/N: In this Riley is bisexual, and this fic does deal with emotional abuse. If you’re sensitive to that proceed reading this fic with caution. Next time: Girls’ Night In, Riley gets some texts, Girls’ night gets crashed  Word Count: 2,651 Ch. 1 

A large part of Lucas liked Wednesdays, he had class with Riley and it was the day they met up to do reviewing and their partner assignments for their shared class. They were in the middle of the third week of classes and Lucas and his friends had fallen into a schedule, they almost always ate diner together and they would mostly each lunch together. But every other day usually ended up being Riley and him and one of their friends, usually Farkle. He of course loved hanging out with his friends, and being with Riley anytime was great. He was sure she was quickly becoming his best friend. But he loved when it was just the two of them and she would talk with him. They were never at a loss for things to say and he felt like he could tell the pretty brunette anything. And their assignment they were working on today would involve a lot of back and forth, idea bouncing, one on one time with Riley and Lucas could not wait.

           What he could wait for was his science class he had Monday, Wednesday and Friday in the morning. The class itself was interesting but his current lab partner was the devil re-incarnate, he was sure of it. She had red-ish blonde hair that was straight as a pin and was constantly turning her head and hitting him in the face with it. She also never did her share of the work, always trying to get him to do it. And she never stooped talking. Today she was rambling on to Jessie and his partner Abby who sat across from them about this girl she had hooked up with this past weekend.

“So we’re getting back to my place and things are getting heated…” Lucas tried to tune her out as he got his stuff out, he really didn’t care until Jessie spoke up,

“Wait…I thought you already had a girlfriend? I liked her she was always nice” Lucas liked Jessie they had previously had classes together and Jessie too seemed to want to stop hearing up her sex life as much as he did.

His lab partner scoffed, “No. We broke up before summer.  And of course she was nice to you, she probably wanted to get in your pants. Thank god we’re over she was awful. She was so insecure and was always doing the wrong thing.  I mean man she was so gorgeous. Those cheek bones and her legs. But her looks couldn’t save the insecurity that dripped off her. Plus she was bi and I just don’t need to deal with that.” Lucas couldn’t help but scoff at her statement and speak up.

“What do you mean she was bi and that was an issue?”

“Just ya know, bi girls are usually cheaters. They can’t be happy with just one gender they’re greedy and want it all.” Lucas was about to loose it, but he counted to ten and kept his temper under control.

“Well I don’t think that’s true at all a few of my best friends are bi girls and neither of them is a cheater.” Before his lab partner could respond the class started. Of course they were assigned a group project. Lucas was thankful that after this project they would be switching up partners, and that Abby and Jessie would be working with them too. They had to rush off to class but talked about meeting up later that week to start.

An hour or so later Lucas was in his room fuming once again at his lab partner. She was being so uncooperative  in making plans for their project and he was still pissed about her earlier comments. It was just boiling inside of him and this was the last straw.  He tired to do his coping skills but the rage took over and before thinking forcefully punched the wall.

“Fuck!”

“Oh my god Lucas!” Riley ran over and grabbed the hand he had just used to punch the wall, in his fit of rage over his lab partner he had forgotten that Riley was coming over. Zay or Farkle must have let her into the apartment. He felt so embarrassed he didn’t want Riley to see him like this. But she was already sitting him down on his bed before brining her backpack over. She ducked her head into it and came back up with a white box.

“Let me see your hand, we gotta clean up these cuts.” Riley gave him a small smile as she cleaned up the wound.

“Not that I’m not grateful for this Ri but why do you carry a first-aid kit?” Lucas asked as she dapped his knuckles. Riley gave him a knowing look,

“Luc. You know how clumsy I am, after a while I just stared carrying one around. It’s helpful. Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry for just taking care and” She looked mortified as she realized what she was doing

Lucas cut her off before she continued, “There is no reason to apologize Riley, and I really appreciate it. And I like the take-charge Riley, she’s pretty cool.” He gave her a wink and a nudge enjoying the light blush that coated her cheeks.  As she started to wrap his knuckles she gave a sigh,

“Paula hated it when I took charge so I kind of re-learned not to. But I’m working on it…” Riley looked away as she shrugged, she always felt like she had to explain her apologizes to Lucas because he hadn’t known her before Paula and she really hadn’t told him the whole story yet. Lucas knew not to ask he tried to subtly once but she had just shut down and gone cold and he didn’t want to see her like that ever again.

Riley finished wrapping his hand and gave him a smile as she put her first aid kit back in her bag. “So do you want to tell me why you punched the wall?” Riley asked giving him a hopeful look, she loved talking to him and loved learning new things about him. He was quickly becoming her best friend and favorite person to talk to and if she could help him not punch any more walls she would.

Lucas sighed deeply before facing her, “Um. It was a few things. I’m stressed about this group project for Bio 2 and my lab partner was being awful today. Like extra awful she was making some biphobic comments and I just urgh. I did try to correct her biphobic comments but either way she still made them and it made me mad”

Riley gave him a look, “Okay that explains why you were stressed and mad but not why you actually punched the wall.”

Lucas took a deep sigh, “So when I was in middle school I had really bad anger problems. I got into fights constantly half the time just because some dude made a snide comment at me. When I was going into 7th grade my parents put me in therapy and it helped, a lot. I didn’t fight in school as much, but when I was stressed or upset I still took that emotion out with my fists.” Lucas had started play with Riley’s fingers well he told his story and Riley couldn’t help but grin at his gentle touch, “So I kept going therapy and eventually got some coping skills to help with the anger. But its still like at the surface when stuff like this happens and usually I’ll go to the gym and beat the living shit out a punching bag. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m trying not to deal like this but old habits die hard ya know?”

Riley nodded her head, “Yeah I know what you mean. Um when I get overly anxious I don’t really eat. Like I can only hold down toast and like I don’t want to eat anyway. And like I’m trying to be better and Maya knows so she’ll make sure I eat my toast. But like days like today…I’m anxious for no reason and I don’t even want to eat. And just haven’t been able to anyway. So I get the old habits die hard.” She gave him a smile hoping to reassure him that she understood the ‘old habits die hard’ but it slowly disappeared at the look on his face

“You haven’t eaten today? Its like 2 pm Riley.” He pulled up her and brought her to the kitchen still holding her hand as he sat her at the table, “I’m making you some toast and you’re going to eat it.” Lucas told her leaving no room for argument.

Riley tried to keep the fluttering of her heart at bay but she was so touched by the worry of Lucas, she simply gave a quiet okay as he made her toast. Once it was made it cut the two pieces into eight little triangles and sat down next to her. She looked at the toast for a moment and then at Lucas.

Lucas saw her give the toast a look and he sensed her discomfort she had, she was anxious for no reason but he hadn’t done anything to ease that he was too hung up about the fact that she didn’t eat. He wanted to make her smile so he took a piece of the toast and started flying it through the air like an airplane,

“Open wide for the airplane Ri, its needs a landing patch” He smiled at her giggling form as he fed her the toast enjoying the feeling of taking care of her like she had done for him moments before She took over once the first triangle of toast had been eaten slowly and continued to eat the rest at her slow pace.

As she ate in comfortable silence with Lucas a thought popped into her head, “Lucas? Can I tell you something I haven’t told you before?” Lucas gave her a curious look before gesturing for her to go on

Riley took a large breath before subconsciously grabbing his hand hoping for some comfort, “I’m in therapy.” She took a peak at him waiting for this reaction

He just gave her a look, “Okay?”

“I just… I haven’t told you and I wanted to, even before you told me you had been but… I was…never mind it’s dumb”

“No no, Ri. What is it? You can tell me anything” He gave the hand she had placed in his a reassuring squeeze

“Um so I was just wondering if like I could sometimes talk to you after? I try to talk to Maya about it but she’s never been before so she doesn’t get it. But some days are just really hard and…” Riley trailed off worried of Lucas’ response  

“Of course Riley, you’re my best friend you can tell me anything. Do mind me asking why you’re in therapy?” A look of fear crossed Riley’s face “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just want to help you in anyway…”

He was cut of by Riley, “Paula.”

“What?” Lucas asked unsure of what she meant

“Paula, she wasn’t…. she wasn’t always the nicest to me. Plus I have some anxiety issues anyway…so after we broke up I started therapy. It helps.” Riley shrugged

“Well Riley whenever you want to tell me what went on with Paula you can okay? I’m here for you.”  Riley nodded

“I know Lucas, thank you.” Riley flashed him a smile, “We should probably brainstorm like we were supposed to do. Isn’t it due in an hour or so for class.”

Lucas was about to answer when their phones both went off with emails. Their professor had canceled class because she had a meeting she had forgotten about and needed to prep for. She sent her apologies and hoped it wasn’t an inconvenience to anyone.

The pair high fived, “Awesome! How about this; we do our brainstorming. We’re supposed to figure out 4 topics that our class could write a personal narrative on right?” Lucas asked confirming with Riley when she nodded he continued, “And when we’re done we can just watch a movie or something. It’s obviously been a day for the both of us so why don’t we relax. Its our last class anyway.” Riley agreed and they brainstormed quickly, and then went to decide on a movie.

Riley was looking through their movies, “Oh! 21 Jump Street I love this one! Can we watch this one?” She bounced on her toes a little as the excitement took over Lucas couldn’t held but admire how cute she looked bouncing her brown and purple locks pumping up and down with her.

He chuckled a yes and popped the movie in, as they got comfortable on the couch. Lucas had learned very early on that being friends with Riley meant physical affection and snuggles, not that he was complaining. She quickly put her head on his shoulder and about an hour into the movie he looked over and noticed she was asleep and after admiring her for a few minuets he too drifted off himself.

When he woke up about an hour later he had never more comfortable in his life. Riley had snuggled herself into his side and was still sleeping soundly. Just then Zay had walked into the living room to get something from their fridge, talking at a quiet volume he gave Lucas a look,

“Well don’t you to look mighty cozy” Zay said, “Also good lucky waking with Princess Snuggles over there. Remember we’re all getting diner together in like 2o minuets so you better start” Zay gave Lucas a wink before retreating back to his room.

Lucas spent another minutes watching the peaceful fall of Riley’s chest, she never looked this peaceful awake. She usually looked like something was weighing on her shoulders.

He started by softly saying her name, “Riley, Riley” then using the arm she wasn’t on top of he slowly started to shake her and her eyes started to peel open as she grumbled. Riley hated waking up, it was one of the worst parts of her day especially from an unexpected nap. But waking up snuggled into Lucas side felt nice and being woken up by him wasn’t so bad either.

“Mmmm” she snuggled further into his side completely hiding her face, “I just want to sleep forever don’t make me wake up.” Lucas laughed at her muffled speak

“Hate to break it to you Ri, but you’re already awake.” Lucas smiled down at the brunette who grumbled as she sat up “We gotta go meet the rest of the gang for diner, Zay’s here too.”

Riley started stretching and grabbed her backpack ready to go as they waited for Zay Riley turned back to Lucas, “Thanks for letting me sleep all over you, Paula always yelled at me when I did stuff like that.” Riley gave him a smile

“Well you are quiet cozy so of course and you don’t have to thank me its no big deal.” Lucas stated with a shrug slightly bothered by her statement. Riley started joking with Zay as they walked leaving Lucas to his own thoughts.

He definitely didn’t like this Paula at all, how could anyone yell at Riley she was so kind a nice and pretty. The more he thought about it and the more he thought about Paula the angrier he got, her name sounded really familiar too but he couldn’t place it. But Riley pulled him out of his thoughts and his anger as she pulled him down to sit next to her telling him excitedly about the odd dream she had while they had napped. He smiled softly at her getting lost in her brown eyes.

[donghun-s]

the very large sp3arb tag

so @sp3arb has tagged me in a total four tags recently and i’m finally getting around to all of them!! tysm for all the tags, meri (btw i love your name?? i think its super cute!) and i hope you learn a bunch of unnecessary stuff abt me lmao (under the cut bc this is a long ass post)

i dont have a name for this tag

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

im not tagging anyone bc im bad at things and most ppl i wanna know about, meri has already tagged so

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE: - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo - I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know- I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing maths in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority  - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES: - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

MY LIFE: - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM: - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie  - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages [i don’t speak two, i speak one and sign in another] - I have made a new friend in the past year

alphabet tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better

I was tagged by Roxanne ( is it ok if I call you Roxy? I like Roxy) Actually @lxx-fxlix  And for some reason it did not give me the notification you did, I was casually stalking your blog when I saw:

A: age? 16 (01 liner)

B: birthplace? North Carolina

C: current time? 7:53 pm

D: drink you had last? Arnold Palmer (half sweet tea, half lemonade)

E: easiest person to talk to? for me, it’s my irl best friend gwen and my best friend on here, krys

F: favorite song? oof i’m super indecisive so i’m just gonna commit to mayday by got7 (it always changes but mayday has stayed on my constantly rotating playlist for nearly six months now; most are on for six weeks, max)

G: grossest memory? uh probably when one of my swim lesson kids tried to eat a bug (they were like four) and i had to make them spit it out into my hands 

H: hogwarts house? proud slytherin!!

I: in love? i love a lot of people, but i’m not IN love

J: jealous of people? not anymore, my self-esteem has gotten so much better in past years

K: killed someone? uhm a couple of times in fics (*cough* jinjin in not like this *cough*)

L: love at first sight or should i walk by again? not love but pls walk by again bc i’m probably enjoying your aesthetics

M: middle name? christine

N: number of siblings? one, an older sister

O: one wish? to adopt a kid with no family or an unhealthy one (obvs when  older and financially stable)

P: person you called last? my sister called me yesterday morning, and before that i had called my friend to tell him abt a near death experience when i was driving

R: reasons to smile? something good will happen to you, you’ll meet someone wonderful, and there’s always new experiences to happen

S: song you sang last? poet by bastille (an underrated fave)

T: time you woke up? about 8 am

U: underwear color? light heathered grey

V: vacation destination? i’d love to go to greece someday! santorini would be my first choice, and then my great-grandparents old village near thessaloniki

W: worst habit? probs my dermatillia (picking at acne on my face until it bleeds, then picking at the scabs, leaving a bunch of scars that will never go away)

X: x-rays? i got one on my tailbone one time, two years after i sprained it bc my mom didn’t believe me

Y: your favorite food? uhhh most anything tbh; i quite like the honey butter chicken sandwich from pdq

Z: zodiac sign? libra

✨ Fun Facts Tag ✨

Rules for this are:

Have fun with it!  

Tag some of your mutuals

1) Favourite colours:

orange!! and after that, any kinds of pastel or muted darks

2) Favourite song at the moment:

lotto by exo has been on replay in my head, my car, and my earbuds

3) Last book you read:

the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur

4) Last TV show you watched:

i tried to watch part-time idol bc hyunbin from jbj was in it, but within the first 15 minutes they set up an unnecessary relationship so i had to nope out of there real hard; i then reverted back to rewatching white collar for the fifth time

5) Last movie you watched:

does john mulaney’s nerflix comedy special comeback kid count?? if not, probably nightmare before christmas way back around christmastime

6) If you have a pet whats their name?:

four dogs: pheonix, kino, midge, and bess; three horses: little man, gem, and andy (ironically i’m allergic to dogs and horses, and my dad keeps buying more)

7) If you have siblings how many?:

one, my older sister

8) Favourite thing to do on a weekend:

i love doing my swim lessons and seeing all my kids!! i haven’t been able to lately bc of the weather, 

9) Best tumblr friends:

i only talk to @cheesyramynry on a daily basis, but i have a lot of blogs that i consider friendly acquaintances or casual friends as well!!

10) Favourite thing about yourself:

i value my compassion and empathy above all else; i am very much the mom friend and love to be it

11) Favourite memory:

ah i have so many; i think rn i’m gonna go with this past christmas, bc it was my last one with my grandfather

12) 3 weird habits:

swallowing gum, taking all my pills in descending size order, i tend to mimic how a singer sounds when i sing along to the song (ex: if they have a british accent, i’ll subconsciously sing in a british accent; if they stress certain syllables in certain ways, i’ll do it too)

13) What would you call your style?:

comfortable (stretchy jeans, t-shirts, hoodies) and with a few signature Gay Things (jean jacket, flannels, oversized mens’ button ups, a couple gay/bi pride shirts)

14) Odd talent:

if i have lyrics in front of me to a song i’ve never heard before, i can predict the pattern of the tunes and rhythm and sing along the first time

15) Do you have a tumblr crush?:

literally all of aroha and all of the sk fandom (y’all are the loveliest fandoms i’ve ever been a part of)

the stray kids tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post, and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

I’ve decided that in celebration of Stray Kids pre-debut album I needed to create a tag. The ultimate goal for The Stray Kids Tag is to learn about your Tumblr mutuals, and have fun answering the Stray Kids related questions!  Here we go:

1: When did you decide to join the Stray kids fandom?

i saw a thread of information abt the suspected nine members before they were officially announced and was like ‘yes i must stan them and love them with all of my heart.’ so uh,,,,, back in august or september??

2: What is your favorite episode of Stray Kids? uhm, i’m gonna expose myself rn and let y’all know that i’ve never actually seen a full episode of the show; as soon as i heard it was gonna be a survival show, i knew that i couldn’t watch it bc my heart was too weak and i was emotionally incapable of becoming too invested while watching it; but from clips, i quite like the episode with the 3:3:3 mission, and also the last episode when all nine were reunited and told they were going to debut together

3: Who would you say is your bias in Stray kids?

my initial one was chan, and they i got rlly confused, and then slowly came to realize that it was jeongin (anything else after that is a fucking mess)

4: Who would you say is your bias wrecker in Stray kids?

literally kill me all of them bias wreck me so hard bUT hyunjin, jisung, seungmin, and chan have been wrecking me so hard in particular lately

5: What line would you want to be apart of in Stray kids? uHHH not dance line bc swimmers have 0 coordination on land; i quite like singing even tho i’m not good at, so probably that, but i can also hit all of chan’s english rap parts in 3racha songs, and keep up with lafayette’s raps in hamilton, and a lot of the english rappers i like too so uh,,, sign me up for rap line too

6: What is the first song you heard of Stray kids? hellevator

7: What is the first song you heard of 3racha? i think it was either hoodie season or runner’s high

8: What is your favorite song on their pre-debut album?

young wings or school life or yayaya (or grr or 4419 or glow or hellevator)

9: What is a concept you’d like to see Stray Kids try in the future?

i love their current optimistic and slightly rebellious teenager concept rn bc its an Eternal Mood; but i always love myself a soft boyfriend concept 

10: if you could meet with the members of Stray kids for one day what would you say to them?

how proud of them i am, and how proud of themselves they should be; i would tell them about how they’re saying things that resonate deeply for their fans and i love that they’re talking abt real world problems; i would also make sure to tell them (chan and 3racha especially) to make sure to rest more, and eat well, and take care of themselves emotionally as well as physically; and finally i’d like to tell jeongin how wonderful he is and that he’s doing so much at such a young age (lmao he’s actually eight months older than me but that’s no the point) and to never lose his cute little smile

finally done!! meri, if you actually read all of this, uh thank you????? i hope you now know everything you wanted to know abt me, and probably more than you wanted to know

i’m bad at tagging people, so if you also made it this far and haven’t done some of these tags, choose one, or a couple, or all of them and do them yourself!! just say that i tagged you!!

[thysurveys]

739.

Have you ever painted a car? No.

What’s the brand of your sneakers? Nike.

Are there any gnomes in your yard? No.

When was the last time you were somewhere that offered free Wi-Fi? I don’t remember. Technically where I am right now.

Do you ever have to write down a phone number to remember it, or not? Yes.

When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Never.

If you have an iTouch or iPhone, what would you consider your favorite App? I don’t actually know what my favourite is.

What is one part on your body that hurts at this moment, if anything? My back and feet did earlier. They’re ok now though.

Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? I am old enough and I do not buy them.

What’s the last thing your parents yelled at you about? Something stupid like always.

Do you forget things easily? I actually don’t. 

Have you ever been into a real cave? No I haven’t.

Does your local museum permit free entry to students? They do during school holidays, I believe.

When your picture is being taken, do you smile with/without teeth, or do you not smile at all? Without. I hate my teeth. 

Have you ever posted mean comments on youtube? Why would I?

What are you so sick of? 2017.

Doesn’t orange juice taste terrible after you brush your teeth? Yes.

What’s your favorite type of seafood? (i.e. shrimp, lobster, etc.) Flake. Or Cod. I rarely eat seafood.

Have you ever been to Florida? I have not.

What’s your favourite season? Spring.

Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? No. And no.

What did you eat for dinner last night, if anything? Was it good or bad? I didn’t actually have anything at all. We had a late lunch.

Have you ever told someone, besides family, that you love them and meant it? Yes.

Has anyone ever called your personality dull? Do you agree with them? I don’t know if anyone has.

Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in life? No.

Would you ever have a child just to get someone to fall in love with you? No. 

Who was the last person to call you? How long did you two talk? Work. 2 minutes, if that.

Can you tell when people are lying or telling the truth? It depends. 

Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly? No.

Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? Always, always, always. This is one rule I always go by.

Do you ever look in the mirror and name all of your flaws for no reason? I feel like a lot of people would. 

The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? I don’t know actually. I’ve had a few injuries that were painful, but no procedures as such?

Have you ever personally witnessed a drug deal before? Yeah.

Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No.

Do you know how wide your hips are in exact inches, or not? No.

Have you ever met someone in person that you met online? I have, yes.

Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? If they’re not, yes and they’re saying it as a “joke” or whatever they do.

Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? For my kidneys.

Where is somewhere you’re excited to go in the next few days? I’m not going anywhere in the next few days besides to my doctor appointment, which isn’t something I’m excited about.

What color is your digital camera, if you have one? Black.

What time is it where you are currently? 7:59 pm. Have you got any half or step siblings? No.

When was the last time you had wet hair? Right now.

Do you like kids’ movies? I do, some. Yes.

When was the last time you were sick and what illness did you have? I’ve been mentally unwell for a while now. Otherwise, I’ve been healthy.

When did you last wash your hair? An hour ago, maybe?

Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Yes.

Who did you last speak aloud to and what did you say? I asked Kevin who texted him bc I heard his phone vibrate.

Do you have any homework to do? No.

Have you ever been to Manhattan? No.

Did you get swine flu? No.

Do you know anyone from Alabama? No.

How bright is it in the room you’re in? Not very bright.

What can you smell right now? I don’t know what I can smell.

Are there any teachers that simply hate you? I don’t have any teachers.

Have you ever bought a game from a site like Big Fish Games or Shockwave? No.

What were you last at the doctor for? The appointment wasn’t for me, it was for Kevin. The last time I went to the doctors was for a medical certificate for work.

Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? No.

What is the strangest food combination that you enjoyed as a young child? Nothing strange, I don’t think.

How often do you change your underwear? Daily.

Have you ever had to call the cops on someone else before? Yes.

What kind of phone do you have? iPhone 6S.

How’s the weather? It was cold and wet today.

Ever heard the song ‘Roses and Butterflies’ by Making April? No.

Do you fear growing up? I don’t fear “growing up” per se. I don’t know what I fear anymore.

Do you dislike when you smile at someone and they give you an evil stare? I guess?

Name a site that you visit everyday. Facebook 

Have you ever used the site ‘Project Playlist?’ Nope.

List all the things you had to eat/drink today: Spaghetti for lunch, a tea, pesto pasta, orange juice, an icecream. And coke.

Current mood: Tired.

Does it frustrate you when someone brings up a bad past? Yeah. If it’s unnecessary, even more so.

Best one: Alcohol overdose or jumping out of plane with no parachute? Wow.

Ever done one of those color by numbers? Which ones: Yeah.

Does it anger you when someone uses improper grammar? It doesn’t make me angry, no. It can annoy me sometimes though.

Don’t you hate when you’re talking to someone and another person starts? Um, it depends on the circumstances.

Are you a fast walker, or do you take your time? I’m in between I’d say.

Do you normally stop in the middle of the hallway with people behind you? Nope. 

Ever felt utterly ashamed of something or someone? Yeah, of course. 

Have you ever knocked on wood for good luck? Yes.

Any fond memories of your first sleepover? Yeah lol.

Do you often run away from the truth? Never. I don’t have anything to hide.

Ever met someone and immediately wished you hadn’t? Not really, no. Which do you feel more often: Anxious, or discouraged? Explain. Both.

How would you react to losing a close friend? I did and it wasn’t easy. I’ve lost more than one close friend.

When someone offers you something, do you always say yes? No.

Do you find it difficult to sleep on your stomach? No. 

Have you ever drunk/eaten a substance in the science lab? No.

If you started on fire, do you tell someone or blow it out by yourself? I would throw a blanket over myself and call someone. Then call 000. 

Have you ever led the prayer at dinnertime? If not, do you want to? No. No.

Do you believe in the army, it’s disgraceful to improperly salute? I guess so.

Ever been to a play/musical/etc. and fallen asleep? No.

Would you rather play an instrument or be the singer? ooooo, this is hard. I don’t know! 

Do you always assume you’re right in an argument? I used to.

[ficdirectory]

Blink (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

“So, be honest,” Pearl says, as she sits on the couch, wide awake despite it being after 11:00 PM.  “Do you think I ruined everything with Jesus?”

Gracie woofs lightly, licking Pearl’s face, just because.

“Really?  Because I don’t feel that way at all.”

Gracie tilts her head.

“I know he said he’d still want to come over and that things were fine, but like, do we know that for sure?  Is he over there changing his mind about it right now?”

Barking twice, Gracie nuzzles against Pearl.

“I know you think that.  You’re sweet.  But you heard the way I insulted his little sister, right?” Pearl checks.

Gracie pants.  A smile.

“He’s not just gonna assume I had a rough day.  Or that I was protective because she blew that thing in your face.  He’s gonna think I’m awful and I screwed up, and Gracie, I’m out on a ledge here.  My only friendship in years is at risk of dissolving.  Can you talk me down, please?”

Gracie lies down, head in Pearl’s lap.

“You’re here.  I know.  You’re always here,” Pearl strokes her head lovingly.  It’s hours past her usual bedtime, but Pearl’s adrenaline is still flowing, and there’s no way she can just go to bed.  Since she didn’t do any knitting today, she tries to channel all the energy.

“Might as well do something positive, right?” she asks Gracie.  “Pawsitive,” Pearl draws out the word and snorts out a laugh.  “God, I’m such a nerd.”

But her hands are steady and so she knits, the clock inching toward midnight.

--

Jesus is really screwed.  Once he’s done being horrendously sick, he can’t shake the words that he heard on Halloween a few years back.  He’d been twelve, and allowed to Trick-or-Treat alone for the first time.  He’d come home with time to spare, and ended up eating all his Halloween candy at once and getting sick, just like this.

The words He said are still clear in Jesus’s mind: Clean it up.

That’s all it takes for Jesus to start searching Grandpa’s bathroom for whatever cleaning products he has in there.  First, he sprays a ton of air freshener.  Then, he gets to work cleaning the toilet, inside and out.  Then the sink, and the mirror.  Then the shower, with some bleachy tile cleaner.  He’s about to give it a second pass with everything, just to be sure it’s really clean, when there’s a knock at the door:

“Jesus?  It’s almost midnight.  The ball’s gonna drop.  Twenty minutes,” Jude informs him.

“Okay,” he says.  

“Um…  Do you need anything?  I could bring it to you, if you want…” Jude offers.

Jesus knows that Jude can probably smell the amount of cleaners he has used seeping out from under the crack in the bathroom door.  They all know Jesus can’t clean.  Because it gets out of control.  Fast.  And he ends up locking himself in a room and cleaning it four times, and way beyond what any regular person would.

Jude’s staying close on purpose.  Trying to get Jesus to open the door.  To get him out of there.

It gives Jesus a little hope.

“Yeah, actually.  Can you get me the landline?  I have to make a call.”

“Yeah.  Hold on.  I’ll be back in like ten seconds,” Jude promises.

Jesus counts.  Jude is back in eight seconds.  

“The only thing is...this won’t fit under the crack in the door.  So, I’m just gonna set it down out here.  I’m gonna stand by the opposite wall, in case you think about something else you need.  Does that work?”

“I’m gonna open the door,” Jesus warns.

The fresh hallway air is like gold.  Jesus doesn’t feel like he’s suffocating anymore.  He can see when the smell of all the cleaning hits Jude because he coughs.

Jesus is about to shut the door again, when Jude calls to him:

“Hey, maybe crack the window in there?  So you can breathe?”

“Yeah,” Jesus nods, closing the door in his face.  He does crack the window and then scrolls through caller ID until he sees Pearl’s number where she called them this morning.

--

“Well, that’s about all I can do,” Pearl tells Gracie, setting the knitting aside.  She’s finally feeling a little tired.

She’s nodding off, when her phone rings, making her jump a foot.  Who could be calling her at this hour?  Pearl glances at the screen:

Frank Cooper.

Jesus.

Pearl snatches up the phone.  “Jesus?  What’s up?” she asks, trying not to let her panic show.

“I’m sorry for calling so late.  I know you’ve probably been asleep for hours,” he says, his voice shaking and really deep.

“No, I haven’t gone to sleep yet, actually,” she says.  “Do you need something?”

“Can I come over?”

“Of course.  Yeah.”

“Okay.  Thank you.  I’m coming,” he says.  

She doesn’t have a chance to ask if he needs her to walk with him, but she’ll turn the outside light on and watch for him.  The last thing he needs is to get stuck outside when he’s already upset about something.

--

When Jesus comes out of the bathroom, he hands the phone to Jude.  “I’ve gotta go next door.”

He’s hurrying to get his jacket and his bag so he doesn’t notice Jude sticking with him.  Putting his own coat on.  Not until they’re outside.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“Dude, it’s dark.  Just making sure you get there,” Jude admits.

“Oh.  Thanks,” Jesus manages.  

They get to Pearl’s and Jesus knocks hard on the door.  Jude stands by him until Pearl opens it, blinking in surprise to see two of them there.

“You good?” Jude asks.

“Yeah.  Thanks.”

“Okay.  Hey, guys,” Jude sends a quick wave to Pearl and Gracie before walking back across the yard.

--

Jesus looks awful.  There’s no other word for it.  He’s pale and shaky.  Pearl hopes he’s not sick.

“Are you feeling okay?” she asks as he stands in her cabin with his coat still on, just looking at her.

“Not really,” he admits, finally moving to take off his coat and backpack.

“What do you need?” she wonders.

“I thought I saw him,” he says, looking genuinely afraid.

“Thought you saw who?”

“The guy who kidnapped me,” Jesus clarifies.  “On TV.  In Times Square.”

Pearl blinks.  Tries to find words.  Fails.

“It wasn’t him, obviously, ‘cause he’s dead, but like...I thought it was.  And I couldn’t stop eating.  I ate a ton of wings and nachos and was epically sick, and then started cleaning up everything which is something he used to make me do.”

Pearl tries to process everything Jesus is saying.  To ask whatever the next right question is.  To make him feel the safest.  Finally, she settles on one:

“Do you need to eat something?  I can get some crackers or something light, if you do.”  Pearl thinks this is probably the dumbest question ever, but she needs to do something to help.  And feeding people comes naturally.

“Probably, yeah.  It’s gonna make it worse if I can’t.”

“Well, you absolutely can eat, to be clear,” Pearl says.  She walks to the kitchen and easily finds soda crackers and a can of 7-Up.  Even though he’s not actually sick, Pearl’s pretty sure that their usual fare of fancy hot cocoa and cookies is going to be too rich for Jesus.

He raises his eyebrows at the food and she nods.  Hesitantly, Jesus reaches for the crackers.  Pearl can see his hands shaking.  Gracie’s at attention, totally focused on Pearl, which means she can focus on being there for Jesus.

“It’s fine if you eat.  Just maybe try to take it slow,” she encourages.

“Do I have to do anything?” he asks, shaking his head a little.

“Do anything...to eat?” she clarifies.

At his nod, Pearl’s stomach sinks.  “No.  You don’t have to do anything to eat.  You’ve eaten here before, remember?  I made you my fancy hot cocoa?  This is the same, no strings attached.”

“Oh,” he says and nibbles a cracker.  It takes him a while, but he eventually makes progress, eating a few crackers and sipping the 7-Up.

Pearl’s not sure if he’s going to say anything at all but then he asks.  “Since you’re not using it, can I swing and look at the lights?”

--

Stef walks into the bathroom and pauses.  It is spotless.  It wasn’t this clean when they arrived here.  That’s for sure.  The ball has now dropped.  It’s officially 2015, and all Stef wants to do is get some rest, but first she has to figure out what this means.

“Anybody know why our bathroom looks like it was cleaned for the Queen of England?” she wonders quietly, because Frankie’s sleeping.

“Yeah,” Jude answers, surprising her.  She walks over to where he’s been sitting on the couch, keeping mostly to himself.  

“Jude, my sweet.  What do you know about the state of the bathroom?”

“I found Jesus cleaning it.  He went to Pearl’s,” he admits.

“How long ago was this?” she asks.

“Half an hour ago, I guess?  I walked him over.”

“Well, what does that mean?  He was cleaning, and he went to Pearl’s?”

Jude shrugs.  “I don’t know.  I just asked what he needed, and that’s what he said.”

Stef stands up and walks through the cabin, until she finds Lena saying good night to the girls.

“Jesus is at Pearl’s.  He was cleaning our bathroom.”

“What?” Lena asks.  

“So you didn’t know about this?” Stef presses.

“No, I would have told you if I did,” Lena assures.

“Well, what do you think?” Stef insists.

“I think it’s late, and he needs to come home.  He doesn’t need to be spending the night over there.”

“Agreed,” Stef nods.  “I’ll call over there.”

--

Jesus is finally feeling just barely okay, swinging and looking at the purple lights, when Pearl’s phone rings and nearly gives him a heart attack.

“Hello?  Yeah, Stef, he’s here.  Sure.  I can walk him home.  You don’t have to come all the way over.  Yeah.  Bye.”

She hangs up and sends a regretful look his way.  “Your mom didn’t seem too thrilled about the possibility of you staying any later.”

Jesus takes a slow deep breath and lets it out.  He’s not okay, but what choice does he have?  He’s less comfortable spending the night here than he is sleeping under the table at Grandpa’s.  Pearl probably doesn’t want him as an overnight guest.  But he’s just barely got it together.  Doesn’t know what will happen once he goes back.

Still, he puts his coat on.  Grabs his bag, and walks out into the snow with Pearl and Gracie.  “Sorry you had to spend basically all day with me.”

“Don’t apologize,” Pearl reassures.  “I said I wanted to be here for you.  I meant that.”

There’s a pause that Jesus doesn’t let grow for too long.  He doesn’t have much time to tell Pearl what he needs to.  So, he does it now.

“I didn’t say this earlier, because I didn’t want to sound creepy or whatever.  But you’re kinda my role model.” Jesus admits, following her light in the dark.

“I’m no one’s role model,” she laughs, uncomfortable.  “For what?”

“For doing this.  For being here.  For not making it all about being normal.  For being real about how you struggle.  For not apologizing about what you need.  Those things are huge.  I wanna be more like you.”

“Well, the feeling’s mutual,” Pearl says, stopping at Frank’s cabin door.  “Because I’d love to be a little more like you.  To put myself out there.  To be willing to love people and let them be close to me.  That’s not easy, and you do it.  And you keep doing it.  That’s no small thing.”

“Neither is what you’re doing,” he says.

“If you need me, you call, okay?  Or have somebody walk you over here.” Pearl tells him.

“Thank you so much for being here.  I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d survive,” she nods, sure.

“Yeah.  But I wouldn’t be the same,” he says as she knocks on the door and turns toward home.