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muddyhippy · 4 years

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Night Terrors, Chapter 8: Lying in the Dark (11k)

As always gorgeous artwork done by @smolghostings

Lying in the Dark

Jonny wasn’t in his room.

It was late, well, it felt late but he wasn’t in his room. That was rare, he was normally easy to find. Only sometimes he was doing something else. But still, she’d had a bad dream and she wanted him to tell her it was alright. He was very good at it, when he said things were alright she believed him. He gave really good cuddles too. She liked sleeping in with him when she got really scared, he made her feel safe and he kept the bad dreams away for the rest of the night.

It hadn’t been a horribly bad dream, or at least, not as horrible as they were back on the ship but it was still a bad one, one with screaming and blood and accusations. She wanted him. Wanted to know that it was just her brain telling her lies again. The bad ones couldn’t hurt her anymore and they weren’t hiding on the ship anywhere and her people weren’t cross with her for leaving them behind to live with the Mechanisms. Jonny knew a liar when he saw one he said, he knew a lie when he heard it too so he could tell her that it was just a bad dream and nothing more.

Nothing to be scared of.

Lily hummed unhappily, trying to think of where to look. She could wait for him, but she didn’t want to be on her own that long. If she was looking for him then she was doing something to fix it herself.

She carried on humming, the corridor was quiet but hummed a little bit in response.

Lily didn’t really notice the change in pitch of it as she wandered along, too preoccupied with a lurking nightmare and looking in each and every door along the way.

She was so busy investigating the doors to the side she didn’t notice the access panel open at the end of the corridor, when she emerged from the latest room she just assumed it was another open door. Lily wandered in, her search for Jonny far too important to worry about the possibility of getting lost.

Aurora knew exactly what she was doing. She recognised the child’s humming and responded in kind. The little one was sad, sad and scared and missing someone. Missing Jonny.

Lily had woken up after tossing and turning and crying out.

Aurora often watched over the little one, making sure she had someone looking in on her. She often pinged Jonny’s communicator to warn him if it looked like Lily was having a particularly bad one. They’d been increasing in number recently. More crying and screaming from the child which was something Aurora hated to see.

She liked Lily, the child was bright and made her crew smile, bringing some sort of lightness with her when she laughed and smiled and danced. It made the darkness of her dreams all that more stark.

Aurora had got into the habit of alerting Jonny whenever he was awake and he would always go to comfort the child wholeheartedly without a single hesitation, but she drew the line of when he was sleeping.

She knew her love worried about the first mate, the fact that until Lily he’d been slowly getting colder and harder and wilder. More trigger happy, heavier drinking and going for weeks without sleep. She was worried his descent into extended self-destruction would be irreparable but each time she’d tried to broach the subject she’d been rebuffed as though he had no idea what she’d been talking about even if this had been going on, bit by bit, for centuries.

With Lily joining the crew it had forced Jonny into altering his behaviour pretty drastically, and to a lesser extent had forced the entire crew too. They were now trying to avoid murdering each other outright, violence in general had dropped to a bare minimum because no one wanted to make Lily cry the way she had on her first night with them. That had been horrific, and whilst they may all be bastards of the highest order, they may be entertained by war and death but they weren’t complete monsters and they didn’t enjoy listening to or worse, being the cause of a child who obviously adored them sobbing her little heart out.

Lily, latching on to Jonny as she had, had thrown real, serious and immediate responsibility into his lap. But instead of bolting or imploding like almost the whole crew had expected him to, he rose to the challenge. Nastya and Aurora however had hoped the child would have this affect on him, she’d seen Jonny long before the others had been forcibly added to the crew. She knew far more of how he worked, how much he cared.

Lily gave Jonny intrinsic permission to care, loudly and openly without a shred of derision or the threat of punishment for caring. She was a little girl who needed love and reassurance and surety. And Jonny provided it, unconsciously most of the time, she was a priority to him and so he gave her his attention and did what he could to make sure she was alright.

It had pleased Aurora and Nastya no end to see how much Lily reciprocated that even without truly understanding the extent of it.

Jonny even had somewhat of a routine now, he was forced to talk instead of shooting his way out or he could just leave the room without blowing up if things were too much. He was starting to practice sharing his real thoughts and feelings, both ship and engineer were deeply amused that such an accomplished liar found it impossible to really lie to Lily, omitting some truths until she was older excepting, he answered honestly to any question she asked. Then again, so did the rest of the crew when she had a question, no one had really learned to withstand the eyes yet.

He put her to bed at night and often woke in the morning to her snuggled against him. He’d eased off on his drinking for the most part, wanting to be semi-sober to deal with any bad nightmares and he’d slept more in the last four and half months than he had in the last four years.

Aurora was pleased to see that when Lily joined the first mate in his bunk both occupants slept more easily and peacefully.

Which was why Aurora was loath ever to wake him.

This time however, Jonny was not asleep.

Aurora happened to know exactly where he was, he’d got swept up into a spirited argument with about something that was long overdue and needed settling whilst the ceasefire was in place. Aurora would be tempted to eject them both into space if they attempted to hash this out with their usual methods, she nearly had done the last time this was broached several centuries ago. That time Brian and Ivy had killed them both before they got dangerously destructive.

They needed to actually argue and resolve things without murdering each other for once so she steered Lily away from that cathartic nonsense and guided her instead down to her love who’d been a little despondent of late and could probably use the affection Lily gave freely to anyone who wanted it.

Lily wandered guilessly down into the depths of the starship, humming along in tune unbeknownstly with Aurora.

She was just beginning to get worried that she was really very lost when she heard some familiar muttering up ahead.

“Nastya?”

The muttering stopped.

“Nastya?” She called again, a little louder this time.

“ Маленький ?”

“What?”

There was more muttering which quickly flipped to English.

“Lily?”

“Nastya? Where are you?”

The engineer appeared from the other side of a service hatch.

“What are you doing down here?” She looked about for an accompanying Jonny, surprised that Lily appeared to be on her own, “You should be in bed.”

Lily suddenly remembered why she was here in the first place.

“Had a bad dream, wanted Jonny but I couldn’t find him.” The child sniffed, rubbing at her eye with her sleeve.

Sometimes it struck Nastya all over again just how young Lily was. When she was up and bouncing with the crew it was almost easy to forget, she was so full of life and smiles, bringing out what could arguably be described as the best of them that it was very easy to equate them all together, like she just belonged and fitted in as if she’d always been there.

Especially since they’d all tried hard to curb their more violent instincts around her.

Right now, Nastya was painfully reminded of her own young self.

The engineer was never entirely sure exactly how to handle Lily, her own childhood was so very different what Lily had experienced so far both on her own ship and with them. She was free with her affection and care with them all which was surprisingly pleasant after a fashion.

It had taken Nastya a while to get used to Lily’s exuberant love for the crew, for their lives and especially for her own love, Aurora. Lily had accepted the two of them without a single qualm, only asking Nastya how she communicated and if she could learn to say hello too.

That, that had stilled her.

Jonny had learned enough to interpret Aurora’s clearer messages, as had Brian to an extent given he was her pilot and they needed to work together, Ivy and Raphaella, the latter pair inspired by curiosity. Tim too, knew some of her simpler sounds, mainly due to his first few weeks conscious it took him a while to get used to his new multileveled-vision. He kept his eyes closed when he was too overwhelmed. Aurora had hummed to him in the darkness of those confusing weeks because he was nearly as young as her Nastya and Jonny, another boy gone to war too soon and seen too much.

Brian had an understanding because he felt something of a kinship with her, sentience encased in steel and brass and Jonny because he’d been there the longest, Aurora had done her best to help him when it was just him, when he’d won her from the soldiers but before he and Carmilla had brought on board her love when he was actually, truly, young and lost, scared and very betrayed. She’d hidden him when she could and he’d learned which of her noises meant that she was pleased, annoyed or was offering comfort.

Aurora had told Nastya that she had composed a lullaby for each of the crew but only a few of them actually noticed. She was still working on one for Lily whilst Nastya had an entire anthology dedicated to her composed over centuries, each created to show her love for her engineer.

Lily had asked in her second week about Aurora, found out they were in love and beamed. Then asked about talking to her. Lily was still learning, it took a while to get past the basics of different sounds and she wasn’t confident talking to Aurora on her own truly. Nastya had explained that it didn’t matter that she couldn’t understand Aurora’s replies and that she could talk to her anyway. Lily had argued that that felt rude to just talk at someone and not be able to listen properly and be equal.

Nastya had made the mistake of saying she should sing to her instead then.

Lily had taken this to mean sing-everything-you-want-to-say-to-Aurora-instead-of-speaking-it.

It was unbearably cute sometimes.

Not that she would admit to deeming anything ‘cute’ to anyone but Aurora.

Aurora had cooed to Nastya about it for three full weeks when it first began, telling her of the stories Lily sang to her in her room. Lily sang to her telling Aurora all about the tea parties with the Toy Soldier, listening to Marius play, reading with Ivy and shooting with Tim all to tunes of her own devising. She sang of science experiments with Raphaella, star charting with Brian, cataloguing and card games with Ashes, all the story telling and cuddling and nightmares she shared with Jonny and mending things with Nastya all rendered with the same piping little voice that showed definite promise. Aurora was delighted to be told things rather than it be assumed she knew anyway, Lily was aware Aurora was the ship and she was alive but whilst she knew Aurora could see everything theoretically, for Lily she was a person who just wasn’t in the room rather than actually being the room. So, wanted to tell her about her adventures.

It made Aurora hum with happiness. And it pleased Nastya to see her love so included.

Lily sniffed again, “can, can I help please?”

Nastya was well-versed enough in Lily-speak to know what she was really asking but didn’t want to be demanding.

“Come on then, I need another pair of hands with this panel.”

Within moments Lily was stationed on Nastya’s lap small spanner in hand carefully unscrewing the more delicate bolts.

This went on peacefully for another 10 minutes until the tell-tale wiggling started.

The movements were slight, reigned in heavily but Nastya knew all about repressed movements, it was her childhood in the palace. Hiding her playfulness and then her constriction under polite curtsies and porcelain smiles.

Lily was a born dancer, she had grace enough to find a home amongst the ballet and ballroom steps of the cold and haughty parties Nastya had been forced to attend, groomed into the perfect wind-up doll to be presentable at parties.

But Lily had no place there.

Lily was a child who was encouraged by them all to feel and share and sing.

Aurora had shown Nastya footage of Lily with the others, waltzing with Tim, Brian and TS as they sang ‘Hatter and Hare’ to her, learning how to classically ballroom with Marius who might not be a real Baron but certainly knew the steps well enough to pass but beamed the entire time whilst teaching her. Jonny had even been teaching her some square dancing, far away from the others on nights when she was too tired to scream and charge about with her rage but to angry to settle back into sleep, they stomped and swirled and dosy-doed with a vengeance.

It warmed her cold, quicksilver-fuelled heart.

So she was an expert in knowing when Lily wanted to say something but wasn’t sure. She found she felt sad that Lily was still unsure of her four and half months into her living with them.

But then again, she saw her less than the others did, more comfortable in the core of the engine decks than the main living areas it was usually Jonny or Aurora herself who guided Lily down to see her when it wasn’t a meal time. Nastya didn’t always make it up for a group meal but she did now make a concerted effort to join them all at least once every few days, especially when if she hadn’t made an appearance for a while Lily would appear with Jonny in tow bringing a lovingly made sandwich which Nastya dutifully ate ignoring the smirking Jonny who stood behind the beaming Lily, happy at having done her self-appointed job of making sure the crew was fed regularly.

She saw a lot of herself in Lily and she didn’t know what to do with that.

The child she herself might have been if protocol and duty hadn’t been forced down her throat the moment she could walk and talk.

It was one of the reasons Nastya didn’t resent teaching Lily anything she asked to learn about. Everything in her formative years had been prescriptive, the least she could do now was contribute properly to Lily’s eclectic education, encouraging any interest no matter how varied or how ‘unladylike’. Nastya’s lip curled, the term still made her thrum with a raging quiet of fury.

Nastya was fairly certain she, Jonny, Tim and the Toy Soldier were the only four that had any form of formal education, for her and Tim at least certainly past the age of 12. TS was mainly taught etiquette and the others either had no memory of it or were not keen to share.

Jonny she knew because he’d confided in her one day when she’d found him hiding from Carmilla’s wrath, her beration ringing through the corridors that she was going to make ‘a backwater dolt like you learn to be a competent assistant even if it takes centuries ’

Nastya had silently dried his tears, used her cool hands to sooth his fresh bruises and assured him he wasn’t stupid.

He’d had to drop out of school at 12 in order to pick up more work to support his mother as his father drank more and more of the household income and hadn’t been confident in his reading, writing or arithmetic.

She’d started helping him get a hang of the basics when they hid together, enough to avoid the more violent repercussions of ‘failing’ the good doctor.

Jonny still wasn’t a fan of anything that sparked.

Still, he, like the others all had useful skills to share.

Ashes was in a similar situation, the orphanage forced the children in their care into nominal education but they’d learned their most important lessons on the street and then with the Sevens.

Jonny and Nastya had done their level best to protect the newly mechanised Ashes from Carmilla’s wrath, ensuring their new crew mate’s literacy was up to scratch. As it was, Ashes with their Quartermaster’s mind took to the particular order and meaning of words and numbers Carmilla expected like a match to gasoline.

All the others were accepted as was.

Lily was eager to learn to as much as possible, she was interested in everything and it seemed to please all the crew that she wanted to listen to them and valued their skills enough to want to emulate them.

Which is why she knew how to carefully undo panel bolts and rewire the smaller plugs and transistors under supervision.

But Lily didn’t come down here to help.

It was 1:30am.

She was up and out of bed and clearly upset.

Nastya wondered where her useless lump of a brother was and how hard she could kill him for leaving her to deal with a sad Lily. Maybe she could take her to Brian or Marius? They were good at this, certainly better at emotions than she was and—

“Nastya?”

Nasyta cursed extensively and creatively in her own head.

“Yes сладости ?” “Have you killed anyone?” Fuck everything and its goddamn siblings. “Why are you asking me that?” “Because everyone else has here.” That was surprisingly matter of fact, for a moment Nastya felt a pang of regret that they had been rubbing off on her. But then again, the child was no stranger to death. “Yes I have.” She answered just as matter-of-factly.

“Do they stay in your head?”

Now THAT was a question. Why was Jonny not here again, the one time she really needed the bastard to be useful and he’d fucked off beyond the seeking of an eight year old. She was going to murder him, he’d got (surprising everyone but her) very good at dealing with Lily’s questions about things like this.

“No, not anymore.” She paused, that wasn’t entirely true. “Well, the first person I killed did stay for years.”

“Oh.”

“Why?”

“I killed people too.”

“No, you killed Jonny, that doesn’t count.”

“It does!”

“He got back up again though.”

“The others didn’t.”

This was something new. Was Lily saying she killed others on her ship? There was no way it was any of the raiders she killed, if she had her nightmares would be different. From what the others had said, almost all of her nightmares were about her fear of those raiders coming back and attacking the Aurora. So obviously she still feared them and hadn’t killed any of them to take that power from them.

So.

Had she had to mercy kill her own people? Could she? There was a core of steel in this child. Enough that Jonny had feared when she first joined them that she would be lost to vengeance.

But Lily had been naught but condensed sunshine during the day and was clearly working through her nightmares during the night, mostly with Jonny and sometimes the others but they’d all been along the same theme.

Why now did it have to be different? She was absolutely going to murder Jonny and throw him out of the airlock, consequences be damned.

“What others?”

“The ones of my ship.” Explained the child.

“You didn’t kill them Lily.” Stated Nastya as firmly as she could.

“I did.”

“No—”

“I didn’t help them.” Pressed the increasingly upset little girl, “They said so.”

Nastya swallowed.

“It’s my fault.”

Oh not a chance.

Nastya physically turned Lily in her lap to face her.

“What did you say?”

“I said it was my fault.” Came Lily’s surprisingly defiant response.

That sparked an unexpected jolt in the engineer. “How? How is it your fault?”

“I didn’t help.” Lily declared firmly, “I hid and stayed quiet and they died. They all died. They all died horribly. Screaming and crying and all I did was hide. I stuffed my sleeve in my mouth so they wouldn’t hear me and hid. I let them all die, all the gunshots and tears and fires.”

Lily’s eyes welled with her own tears once again.

“I didn’t come out until they’d been gone a long time and everything was dark and quiet.”

Her voice was beginning to wobble.

Nastya was unwillingly dragged back to the palace. The roars of the mob, the sound of shattering glass and crackling wood as the fire began to greedily consume her home, everything was sharp and petrichor, the tang of copper heavy on her tongue.

She knew what that child had faced, at least, she knew a flavour and she’d been over double Lily’s age when it had happened. She had fought back but only after the fact, after being mortally wounded, terror forcing her blood out of her louder and faster with every desperate beat of her gasping heart. If only she’d known it was the last time she know the feel of true warmth.

Maybe she would have tried to say no to Carmilla.

As if that would have stopped her.

Still, there had been Jonny who held her those first nights, Jonny who’d found her her coat (and kept it in good repair for her despite all his protestations to the contrary) and gave her the first sense of warmth and safety she felt in those confusing and agonising first weeks.

Whether it was the pain of her body, slowly acclimatising to the quicksilver or the wrenching pain of loss and guilt, feeling that she should have died with them all, that she should have tried to protect them she was wracked with it for months. Or maybe years. It was hard to tell in those early times.

Jonny had introduced her to whiskey and got her drunk on it in a well-meant effort to help her cope and make her feel warm inside. She appreciated the warmth but not the hangover that made her wish she could truly die. She drank in moderation after that. It still helped ward off the sense of cold and misery to an extent, but sleeping in the vents, wrapped up in her coat and Jonny’s arms as they hid eased her the most. She’d never been all that close with her blooded brothers and now, well, her blood and his heart were a match, they adopted each other wordlessly and without ceremony.

Nastya paused, it was funny in a way, that Jonny, of all of them, was the one that could and did provide comfort when it was desperately needed. Oh he was much younger when it was just the two of them, he was far more the frightened boy to her frightened girl, gone to space too young and become immortal without the understanding what that truly meant than he was now, bitter and jaded and calloused to the universe but he’d still been there and he’d protected her when he had no reason to. He could have tried to direct all of Carmilla’s attention on to her, the new plaything and spare himself. But he didn’t. He cared and he protected and he loved even if he didn’t admit it. He built up quite the guard over the centuries when more and more people kept being added and hurt and he couldn’t stop it. He tried anyway. He was still the first on the scene to console each new addition to the crew when that had generally been appreciated. Apart from Tim.

But he became colder and harder and more indifferent on the surface and seethed inside with each passing year and each new addition.

She knew it was by sheer luck that it was Jonny Lily had shot, she probably would have launched herself at whomever she’d killed and then sat back up and Nastya wasn’t sure that Jonny would have been anywhere near as accepting if it wasn’t him she attached herself to, more for Lily’s sake than anything else. She wasn’t an annoying child so no real risk of her being shot but still, Jonny probably would have fought harder to leave her somewhere safe with decent people and not them. She was a good kid after all. But he’d got attached the second he failed to shoot her and she’d clung on. He still, despite everything, couldn’t refuse a hug when it was sorely needed. Even if he never admitted or telegraphed it.

Lily probably had no real idea how lucky she was, having Jonny on side was like having an admittedly annoying but ferocious and lethal guard dog to protect you. Anyone he deemed as ‘his’ was under that protection. He could mess with those people as much as he wanted but the second there was a real threat, an actual, credible danger to ‘his’ people and Jonny could turn all his violent chaotic bastardry into pure, vengeful murder.

But also, Lily apparently gave him permission to show that secret softness he hid pretty well most days to the point it had just become accepted that Jonny had a gentle side that he could and did use with Lily. It was nice to see again after so long.

She’d missed this side of him being as apparent. He saved his real smiles for her which she cherished but still, it was few and far between. Lily had been good for everyone, even if Nastya wasn’t sure exactly how to interact with her. They had such a lot in common in some ways and in others? Completely alien.

Maybe it was better to focus on their shared love of the first mate, (Never Captain, that was Carmilla and no one should ever be associated with her reign no matter how much he protested.) rather than their entries into orphanhood.

But first. Lily was upset and it was an upset she unfortunately knew far too well.

“ Сладости , Lily, look at me.”

The child reluctantly raised her eyes to meet Nastya’s.

“We have talked about this before, what you did, hiding in the vents was not only good but it was the right thing to do, your parents put you there for a reason, they wanted you to survive.”

“But, but—”

“No, no if’s or buts.” Interupted Nastya in her best, ‘Jonny-I-am-not-accepting-a-single-word-of-your-nonsense-right-now’ voice, “Knowing what you know now about guns and ballistics from Tim do you think you could have stopped them?”

“No.” Lily conceded, wilting a little.

“Do you think, knowing what you do now about piloting, angles and speeds from Brian you or anyone on your crew could have got the ship away from the raiders in time?”

“No.” she shrank a little further.

“Do you think, knowing what you know now about hull integrity from Aurora and I that could have found a way of stopping them before they breached your ship?”

“No.” She curled up closer to Nastya as the facts rolled over her. Nastya found herself rubbing the child’s back consolingly, being told you’re wrong is always hard, even if it’s for your own good in the long run and she was still small and Nastya wasn’t beyond giving comfort when it was needed.

“So I don’t see what the problem is Lily, there was nothing you could have done. It took a lot of courage just to stay alive in the aftermath long enough for us to find you. You were incredibly brave.”

“But they don’t believe me.” Lily all but whispered.

“Who don’t?”

“My crew, my old crew, they’re in my nightmares, they blame me for not helping, that I shouldn’t have left them. That I’ve betrayed them by coming to live with you all.”

A stream of creative Cyberian cursing torrented across her brain. Nastya took a deep breath and continued to curse Jonny for not being here with her for this. She didn’t want to talk about this, had avoided it for a very long time.

“I felt the same way.” She admitted in as firm a voice as she could manage.

Lily perked up immediately, sitting up to face Nastya, “You did?”

“Yes. Where I am from, there was an uprising. My, my father was not a kind man and he had responsibility over a lot of people. He didn’t treat them well and eventually they realised there were more of them than the people in charge. They attacked our home, they wanted to kill us all. I saw them murder my brothers, my mother and my father and all the people who’d surrounded me since birth. I was older than you, I was 19 at the time but I was so scared Lily, I ran, I got attacked by someone who I thought cared about me. I killed him in self-defence but it broke my heart, he wounded me very badly. After Jonny rescued me I saw their faces in my dreams night after night, accusing me of being a coward, that I should have died with my family.”

Nastya paused trying to gather the right words to try and get across in the simplest terms she could.

“And you know what?” she continued.

“What?”

“That was my mind lying to me.” And oh, didn’t that feel good to say out loud? Nasyta hadn’t realised she needed this for herself even after centuries and continued with more emphasis.

“My mind was lying to me,” she expanded, “it was the guilt talking, nothing more. Guilt is a natural emotion in events like these, you want to help people you care about but sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do, no matter how much you wish it. You can tie yourself up in knots about it, you can tear yourself apart over it but it doesn’t matter. You won’t change what happened.”

Nastya raised a hand carefully and after hesitating a moment, carded her hand gently through Lily’s wild and sleep-mussed hair. It was approaching her shoulders now, as she’d pointed out proudly every so often because she was trying to grow it as long as Raphaella’s.

“Lily, I need you to listen very carefully to me.” The little girl fixed Nastya with her huge blue eyes. “Those things you see in your dreams, they’re not your friends, they’re not your family. They are lies. You feel guilty and that’s normal, that’s alright, but you can’t let it rule you, you can’t let their lies in. Your mother and father wanted you to live, they wanted you to live with every fibre of their beings because if they didn’t they would have held you close when the raiders came. You need to understand the hardest thing a parent can do is to push away their child to protect them. They knew how dangerous the situation was, they knew they might not survive and to increases your chances of survival the best thing they could do would be to put you out of harm’s way to and hope it was enough.”

Lily shuffled, looking down as she sniffed. Nastya gave her a moment then tilted her little face back up to hers, she needed to take this all in.

“And it was.” Stated Nastya.

“Because you were clever and you were brave, you stayed still and silent and stayed alive. You gave them no cause to search the vents. You did want your parents wanted. You survived.”

The engineer gently wiped away some of the escaping tears.

“You survived long enough for us to find you. Do you really think your parents would want you to stay on your ship when you could leave with us?”

Lily sniffed again, thinking about the cold, dark awfulness of her ship that slowly been smelling worse and worse and bit by bit falling apart.

“No.” She realised, “No they’d want me safe and warm and with nice, kind people like you all.”

Nastya didn’t think she’d ever get used to hearing herself and her crew described as ‘nice’ or ‘kind’ without a shred of sarcasm.

“Exactly. You made the right choice in coming with us.” Actually, thinking about it, Lily didn’t so much as have a choice as ‘clung to Jonny and didn’t let go when he carried her onto Aurora’ Hmm. Well, semantics at this point.

Nastya paused to look at Lily, really look at her, doubt creeping in because they’d assumed a lot with Lily and she’d seemingly just rolled with it, “Are you happy with us Lily?”

Genuine shock bloomed across the child’s face as her eyes grew round in consternation, “What? Happy? Of COURSE I’m happy with you! You’re all so nice and kind and cuddly and you look after me and don’t ever tell me I’m small or silly and you let me do big important things! I’ve got a proper job here! I cook for you and you all spend time with me and teach me things and play with me and listen to me and there’s no fighting over things like food and you always make sure I’ve got enough. More than enough.”

Well fuck.

She was going to have to feed this all back to Jonny wasn’t she?

Nastya privately was rather pleased Lily’s crew had no further claim on her, they were ill-prepared, ill-equipped, and obviously ill-suited to manage the prospect of a pioneer mission when it came to their most precious consignments. Maybe not her parents but still. From between her own and Ivy’s observations from the ship and the black box they would never have made it to their chosen destination. There were other ships as part of the mission but the black box recorded having lost them years previously, their engines had been damaged and they fell behind and never caught up.

And Lily had clearly been given the impression she was bother, she was tiresome and she was constantly in the way by the other adults in her life.

Never would Nastya have thought that the Mechanisms would make better care-givers than literally any other sentient being but apparently the universe was still full of surprises.

“That’s good, I’m very glad to hear it. Do you understand why I asked you that?”

Lily thought it over. “Because, because, I needed to think about all the good things here. About how happy you all make me and how sad I’d be if I stayed behind.”

Thank fuck she was an intelligent and perceptive child.

“And what do you think your mother and father would want for you?” pressed Nastya, determined to get this concept across to Lily, she didn’t deserve to have that sort of unwarranted guilt resting on her small shoulders.

“To be happy. And safe. And feel like I belong.” She stated immediately with absolutely surety.

The words sunk in.

“Oh.”

“Exactly. They would be very pleased you’ve found yourself a group of people who care about your well-being.” She took a deep breath, she wasn’t given to sharing her emotions freely with anyone but Aurora, and Jonny if really needed but Lily was a special case. “And we do Lily, very much so, you’re very important to all of us. We want you to be safe and well with us, even if we’re not always sure what to do or say, we do care about you.”

Lily gazed at Nastya with all the sincerity of an eight year old.

“I know. From the first night and you all hugged me even though Marius and Tim came back and some of you don’t really like hugs but you hugged me anyway because I was scared and I was sad and you didn’t have to. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome Сладости .”

“Can I hug you now please?”

“Yes.”

Lily carefully wrapped her arms around the engineer, taking in her scent of oil, grease and delicate musk. She didn’t get to hug Nastya often so she cherished it. “I knew you were kind, you cuddle even when it’s not your favourite thing.”

“Well I know what it’s like to feel alone, I didn’t want you to feel like that.”

“But you have the crew and Aurora?”

“Not when I first joined, it was just Jonny and I.” Nastya was trying to edge carefully along the level detail she could share, they’d not talked to her about their mechanisms yet, or how they’d come to all be together on Aurora. It wasn’t her story to tell alone. That would be an all or nothing tale she felt.

“And Aurora?”

“And Aurora,” the engineer latched eagerly onto that as a conversation avenue, “it took me a while to learn how to listen to her before we could truly understand one another.”

“I think I hear her singing to me sometimes, it sounds different to when she’s talking to me.”

“That’s because you’re a clever girl and you listen well. Yes, Aurora is singing to you.”

“She always sounds so pretty.”

“Yes she does, she’s beautiful.”

“Have you always been in love with her?”

Wasn’t that a question, of course Nastya loved Aurora, she had for the longest time, her hums were comforting, warming her to her core. Being Cyberian and Aurora being a cyberian ship she could speak with Aurora from the first days, translating for Jonny when he asked or it was particularly pertinent. She and Aurora understood each other far deeper than words anyway, she was what filled her thoughts, gave her purpose and flooded her soul with warmth. “For a very long time, yes. She was very kind and comforting when I was first on board, I was very scared and lost even with Jonny to keep me company.”

“He’s good at that.”

“Yes he is.”

“But Aurora loved you? Right at the beginning? Was it love at first sight? Like in my books?”

It was sweet that Lily still thought like that when the universe was rarely so forgiving or amenable, “Not quite at first sight, I think love is something that builds up over time, but I believe we mutually fell in love, I with her kindness, her warmth and her spectacular grandeur.”

“And Aurora?” The child looked up at the panelling.

There was a deep and resonant humming that broke out around them.

Nastya allowed her fondest smile to spread over her face, “Thank you my love, she said that she fell involve with my music, with my hands and how I use them work my violin and my tools to keep her in good repair, she says she loves how I listen, how I touch and how I care about things.”

Lily was enraptured, “I bet she thinks you’re just as beautiful as you think she is.”

Silver flushed Nastya’s cheeks, “That’s very kind of you.”

“It’s true, you have such nice eyes that really smile when you see something you like or Aurora says something secret to you.”

Aurora hummed in agreement.

“See! I know that means she thinks I’m right!” The little girl beamed.

It was something Nastya was very grateful for that the child was just willing to accept things, for Lily, Aurora was another adult to listen to and very much a person in her own right. It was refreshing to just be accepted without shred of confusion.

“Quite right indeed.”

“Does Aurora sing a lot to you?”

“Yes she does, she has a beautiful set of sounds.”

“Would she sing now?”

“You’d have to ask her.”

“Aurora? Would you sing a song please? You always sound so pretty.”

Well how could she refuse a request like that?

Aurora began to sing, this time a favourite of her love, soft and gentle, reverberating sonorously through her wiring and her metalwork.

Lily was mesmerised. She leaned back against Nastya chest, soothed by both the song and the rhythmic sound of the engineer’s heartbeat.

The weight against Nastya’s chest grew heavier and heavier until the sound of tiny snoring emanated from her ribcage.

She sighed internally, she should have known this, Raphaella had told her how quickly Lily could fall asleep and now she couldn’t move for fear of waking her. Still, it wasn’t too bad, Lily was a little radiator and it was strangely peaceful to be the source of comfort for such a vulnerable being, a little girl that despite everything they seemed to be managing to raise to an acceptable standard. The child was happy, was building up her strength and general health now she had a proper balanced diet and obviously felt comfortable enough with all of them to come to them when needing comfort and reassurance as much as when she wanted to play or help with something. And that she’d managed to comfort Lily when it was clearly something serious bothering her was something Nastya was quietly proud of and more than a little relieved that it had obviously worked. She was rarely counselled for advice beyond Jonny and that was because he didn’t mind sharing his vulnerable side to her, she’d seen him sobbing and bloody and terrified enough to not be deterred by his defensive walls. Nor did he really try. But to help Lily? To reason well with a child? It was very new territory but one, on reflection, she found she didn’t dislike.

Now she’d calmed down herself, soothed by the sleeping breaths of the child she remembered to be furious with Jonny for leaving her in this situation in the first place.

Aurora noticed the hitch in her love’s breath and the flaring of her nostrils.

She interpreted correctly, humming a question.

Nastya Nodded.

Aurora pinged a message to Jonny, now that the situation he was in had been resolved, to come and collect Lily.

Jonny waltzed in roughly twenty minutes later reeking more pungently of whiskey than normal, a sloppy, sappy smile plastered across his face that spread even wider at the sight of his sister gently rocking the sleeping form of the child he was more than a little fond of.

The engineer on seeing him went from peaceful to furious in roughly half a second.

“Just where the fuck have you been?!” Hissed Nastya, “Lily has been having breakdown over her nightmares conjuring her dead parents and crew mates to chastise her for leaving them and having the audacity to survive.”

All the drunkenness drained out of Jonny along with his colouring.

“FUCK.” Sobriety hit him like a particularly colourful train, “Is she okay? She’s not had an accusing nightmare for a while.”

“ Oh you knew about these?” if anything Nastya’s fury deepened.

Jonny was aware of the danger in her voice but ploughed on regardless, “I mean, yes, she tells me all her nightmares most of them are just banging noises in the dark.”

“But sometimes she nightmares about her dead parents blaming her for their deaths?”

“Sometimes?” Now Jonny thought about it, had it been more frequent, more recently?

“You BASTARD.” It was impressive how much fury Nastya could convey in a whisper, “Why haven’t you told the rest of us?”

Jonny immediately puffed up his chest in defence, “Because it’s her nightmares, not mine to share and it’s personal.” He hissed back.

“Jonny she is EIGHT. This is serious stuff that does need sharing. And to dump it on the rest of us un-warned isn’t fair.”

“I’ve told you the important stuff, she deserves her privacy as much as the rest of us.”

“Jonny she is eight, not an adult, whilst it is commendable you respect her privacy there are some things that need to be shared with the rest of us, important things. Like this. THIS is important!”

“It’s just a progression, Marius says—”

“Fuck what Marius says, this was important and she needs to be reassured properly not just have me wing it and hope for the best.”

Jonny grinned ruefully, “Welcome to my world, it’s a bitch isn’t it?”

“No, I, she deserves better than that,” the engineer trailed off.

Jonny paused to really look at Nastya, realisation dawned, taking in the paler-than-usual complexion and gentle, almost imperceptive trembling, “what’s wrong?”

“I, she, the palace, it’s similar enough, it, brought up some memories I’d rather forget.”

Everything clicked into place, Jonny looked horrified, immediately contrite, this was a BIG deal for Nastya after all and she hated being reminded of that time, “Fuck I’m sorry I should have—”

Nastya was touched at his concern, it helped to calm her enough to start to regain her composure, “Actually, it was quite helpful really, I realised a few things I needed to put to bed and I think I was the voice I needed to hear when Lily’s situation was as fresh for me.”

Jonny reached out and gently squeezed her hand in sympathy.

“Are, are you both alright? For now?”

“I believe so. I managed to convince Lily the words and the people who spoke them were just manifestation of guilt. Nothing more. That she did the right thing in joining us.”

“She was questioning that?!”

“Subconsciously. I think because she is growing more at ease here. More comfortable and settled.”

“That’s good right?”

“Yes, but it comes with consequences, namely questioning her loyalties to those she’s known all her life and those whom she’s only known for the past four and a half months

“Well her people are dead, there’s not much choice there.”

Nasyta closed her eyes, “Please tell me you’ve not put it to her like that.”

“Of course I fucking haven’t what do you take me for?” Jonny paused, his eyes narrowing, “Do not answer that. I just tell her that her brain is lying to her because brains don’t always get things right.”

“Huh, I said something similar.”

He grinned at their similarities, there was reason people assumed they were siblings more often as not.

She shared the smiled, pleased to have settled the matter and felt more at peace with herself than she had for a while, “Anyway, where have you been all evening that Aurora led her to me?”

Jonny immediately shifted, looking awkward and closed off, “Oh, uh, nowhere.”

Nastya cocked a single eyebrow, “Jonny. For an excellent liar this is a piss poor effort.”

“Fine I was having a discussion.”

“With?” she prompted, apparently he was determined to be difficult.

“With Tim.”

“If you have broken any more of her panelling I will gut you right here.”

“No, it was civilised thank you very much.”

“I do not believe it.”

“Well we did. Go look for yourself.”

“What could you have possibly been discussing that was reasonable?”

“I, well, he, we—”

“Spit it out.”

“Fine we were discussing how he came to join the crew and the misunderstandings about it. Happy?”

Nastya froze. That was something that Jonny had tried to do not too long after Tim had joined them and got the hang of his new vision. It had not gone well. As it was Brian and Ivy had killed the pair of them and locked them in their respective bedrooms till they calmed down. Things had escalated. Badly. Threatening-an-actual-hull-breach badly.

Nastya hadn’t spoken to Jonny for a month.

Then he’d come stomping down to find her to give her as much of an apology he could give her and then proceeded to rant and rave until she’d slapped him silent. Nastya was not given to laying hands on people, she didn’t like it. But Jonny had been revving up again and that was not explaining the situation.

As it was it shocked him enough to explain himself properly. He was devastated that Tim blamed him, that he’d tried (albeit very clumsily, Jonny, for all he was a gifted wordsmith for stories struggled when orating things related to him and his own, more complex emotions) to explain that none of what happened was his choice. He wanted Tim to have his ending. That Carmilla hadn’t listened, had killed him and locked him away. By the Jonny broke out it was too late.

Carmilla had her accident not long after.

“Are you alright?”

The bluntness had the effect as the slap several centuries ago and shocked the truth out of him once again.

“Better than I thought I’d be.”

“What happened?”

Jonny took a breath, wanting, needing to share it.

The evening had been normal, less murder-filled since it was getting close to 1am and that was prime Lily nightmare-time. They’d been making cracks at how Lily kept Jonny in better time than their music, a complete lie but intentionally teasing.

Then someone made a crack about newfound responsibility.

And Jonny had responded that he always was responsible, but he just wasn’t appreciated.

Tim had commented that he was only responsible when it suited him with more bite than had been in his voice previously.

Jonny rose to it, snapping that he was always keeping an eye out for the crew.

Tim bit back about only looking out for this crew.

The others went quiet, poised for violence.

Jonny immediately hit back at who the fuck else was he supposed to look out for?

Too late the first mate realised what Tim was getting at, too late he realised that Tim had been cleaning Bertie’s gun, which he only did when he was specifically thinking about the Lunar war and what had happened.

Building the fort with Lily had clearly stirred up memories.

Tim promptly erupted, getting right up in Jonny’s face.

Spewing the words he’d obviously been festering for centuries.

“You only care when it directly relates to you selfish bastard! If Lily had latched on to anyone else you’d have been the first to say we dump her! It’s only when you have a benefit out of it! So don’t you dare try to pretend you actually give a fuck about any of us, it’s just that we all can’t really leave, not permanently, so we have to endure each other!”

“Don’t you DARE talk about Lily like that, she’s as much your kid as she is mine or anyone else’s! It was you she spent the best part of the last four days building a fort with, not fucking me! So don’t you dare! I care about all of you ungrateful bastards, I have to ! You’re MY crew.”

Tim punched him square in the jaw.

The Mechanisms didn’t usually resort to physical violence, usually it was just gunshot, immolation or whatever Raphaella had concocted that week.

As such it caught Jonny off guard, forcing him to stagger backwards.

“There! You see! YOUR crew! It’s all about you! We’re our own people. We’re not beholden to you and you’re lying to yourself like always if you think anything different!”

Jonny spat out blood and snarled at Tim through gory teeth, “I don’t mean it like that you wanker! And you know it! I’m not HER!”

“But you helped her!”

The room dropped about 10 degrees.

“What did you say?” Jonny’s voice had gone dangerously quiet. Everyone else in the room tensed to leap into intervene, the last time these two got like this they filled the room with so much gun fire it nearly penetrated the outer hull.

Tim didn’t back down in the face of Jonny’s icy fury, “I said, You. Helped. Her.”

Jonny was suddenly on Tim, fists in his coat and slammed him against the wall, hard enough to make the gunner’s teeth rattle. Jonny might be shorter than Tim but he was strong.

“You take that back you piece of shit.”

“No.” Spat Tim.

Jonny slammed him against the wall again before he held Tim with one hand and the other snatched for his six- shooter . Then he remembered the proximity to Lily-horror-hours and visibly tried to calm down and withdrew his hand from his holster.

Tim followed his movement and stopped in his tracking to do the same. Couldn’t be shooting and waking Lily, kid needed her sleep after all, she’d worked hard building all day.

“Because it’s the truth isn’t it?” He continued, glaring at Jonny, faces barely 6 inches apart, “It wasn’t enough to fuck with me on the moon—”

“I tried to stop him! You KNOW I did!” Exploded Jonny, “I couldn’t get to the grenade in time, I TRIED to out-run him but he was faster and I was still regenerating from the lasers!”

“You should have told us!”

The words knocked the rage right out of him, he let go of Tim, backing away, “Yes.” He conceded, sincerity pouring into his words, “I should have. I’m sorry.”

Tim stared dumbly as Jonny spoke the words he’d wanted to say for over three centuries. Apparently soothing Lily almost every night had given him some practice at actually communicating some emotions.

“I didn’t want Bertie to die.” Now Jonny had said those words he’d apparently broken some sort of dam and the words kept coming, “I didn’t want you to die. I wanted you both to survive the fucking war and go home. You two were the nearest thing I’d had to real friends for CENTURIES. I wanted you both to have a fucking happy ever after for once.”

“Then WHY?!” Tim all but screamed.

“Why did I help her make you into one of us?” Jonny glared at Tim, if there was a sheen to his eyes then he’d deny it for eternity.

“I didn’t.” He let the words hang there for effect before ploughing on.

“I never wanted this for anyone, not one of you fuckers. No one deserves this. No one. I begged her, I fought her, I fought against the bio-programming to try and stop her. She shot me. She shot me so much I woke up locked in a store cupboard a week later and when I finally broke out it was too fucking late.” Jonny sighed, finding himself sadder that he’d allowed himself to feel for a long time, “I’m sorry Tim, really, I never wanted this for you.”

He ran a hand over his face suddenly feeling every single year he’d lived weighing down on him.

The others, having frozen in place, poised to haul them away from each other like they had to do over three centuries ago relaxed, now they’d clearly calmed down a bit, that they’d not drawn weapons and that Jonny fucking apologised .

Well.

Things were obviously going to get all feelingsy and out of a sense of decorum for some and not being drunk enough to deal with another outpouring of emotions for others the crew that had been present quietly left, ignored by the first mate and master-at-arms.

“So that’s it, carry on fucking hating me, that’s fine, don’t break the habit of centuries, it doesn’t matter anyway but don’t you fucking dare think I helped her or had anything to do with it. None of us did. She plucked you from space when she was scooping me and TS up from the debris. Decided to ‘fix’ you up like she did the rest of us poor fuckers. I tried to stop her, tried to deflect, to convince her to let you die but she realised I cared about you. So she did exactly what she wanted. I'm sorry she used you, sorrier than you'll ever fucking know.”

The first mate straightened his back to cover a sniff, “Now if you’re done, I’m going to go check on Lily because I do, in fact, care about her like I care about the rest of you bastards.”

He made to move away. Jonny got three paces before a slender hand gripped his shoulder.

“Jonny.”

The first mate wheeled around.

“What?!”

“I, I didn’t know.” Tim was looking worryingly sincere.

“Clearly.” Jonny didn’t really know what to do with Tim looking like that, like a grown-up version of Lily’s sad-eyes, eyes that were his natural colour, not focused on anything but him.

“I wish I did know.”

Oh fuck, Jonny was really not prepared for more emotion right now, “Well you do now.”

“I mean sooner.” Pressed Tim.

Jonny huffed, the resignation stealing most of the bite from his words, “I tried to tell you. I tried to tell you when you first made it out of the lab just after Carmilla had her accident.”

Tim did a genuine double take, “That was you telling me?!”

That riled him, “Fuck off Tim!” He snapped, “I tried! You started yelling, I started yelling, we started shooting, next thing I remember waking up locked in my bunk.”

“Me too.” Surprisingly Tim didn’t rise to the heat in Jonny’s explosion instead he looked like he might be feeling a stab of regret.

“I also remember you shooting me in the face for the next five years whenever you saw me.” Emphasised the first mate.

“I did.” Tim agreed

“And?” Prompted Jonny, his heartbeat beginning to pound in his ears, hoping he’d not mis-judged this, he was still angry and he was damn well going to voice it but he did want this to be resolved. He liked Tim despite all the relentless violence. He liked their competitions. He’d not taken to someone so quickly since Nastya and Tim (and Bertie for that matter) had been mortal. He’d liked them both. He had wanted them to be alright. If he was honest with himself he wanted to have that tunnels friendship again, he’d wanted a brother growing up almost as much as a sister and privately he wouldn’t have minded if that brother had been someone like Tim. It was fine if their relationship was going to stay the way it was, it had been that way for three and half centuries, it didn’t need to change, didn’t have to. But it would be nice if it could.

Tim sighed, then fixed his stare on Jonny, utterly serious even if it looked like it was paining him to admit, “And if I’d known then I wouldn’t have.”

That was as good as an apology he’d ever expected from Tim, “Alright then.”

“Jonny—”

“What Tim? What?” This was far more emotion that Jonny was really able to deal with in one evening, “I’ve said my piece, I should have said it years ago, I should have tried again before now, I didn’t. I’m sorry for that but I don’t know what else you want from me.”

“Thank you.” It looked both painful and alien for the words to cross his lips but the master-at-arms said them all the same. “I’m, I’m, I’m sorry I thought you’d been involved.” For the first time in years Tim actually looked awkward.

“Good.” Jonny had no framework of reference for this, the last time they’d been this honest and open was in the tunnels before Bertie died and most of that was now a purposely hazy memory. “I, er, I’m sorry I gave you that impression.” He offered, hoping that was the right thing to say.

“Do you—” Tim hesitated.

“Do I what?” Jonny have never quite understood the phrase walking on eggshells until that exact moment thought it was more like breathing around eggshells. He felt horribly powerless that the next thing out of Tim’s mouth might dictate how they interacted for the next ever.

“Do you want to get very drunk and accept that this happened and we’re alright but we never have to talk about it again?”

Jonny breathed a huge sigh of relief, “Fucking YES.” He began to grin before a thought caught him, “Wait, Lily, I’ve got to—”

A screen descended from the ceiling.

‘If you are seeking Lily Jonny, she is safe with Nastya next to the engine room. They’re both in deep conversation and are fine, I will notify you when you need to take her to bed.’

Well it was nice that Aurora acknowledged that there was no way Lily was moving off from Nastya once there, the child was like a limpet and once comforted it was like she had an off switch that just flicked the second she was feeling safe and secure again.

He felt bad he’d missed her getting up but this really needed to be said and he was glad they’d had the chance to finally clear things up between them. It had only been several centuries in the reckoning.

Still, if she was still talking to Nastya then that gave him and Tim at least an hour. No point disturbing her when she’d just fallen asleep after all. Plus, it was good she was talking to Nastya, she needed to talk to the engineer more, Lily spent the least amount of time with Nastya so it was nice she was there. And he really wanted to drink with Tim, it had been a long time when it was just them and the air actually felt clear. Ironically it was in the gas-filled tunnels.

The two men read the notice and shared a look.

“Whiskey?”

“Whiskey.”

He was grateful that whilst he wasn’t drinking to his previous capacity he could still drink Tim under the table.

Which was why when Aurora summoned him later into the night he still had enough nouse about him to be able to ease Tim back against the sofa and cover him with his great coat that he’d shucked earlier and make his way down to where his sister and charge were waiting without too much stumbling.

“So you and Tim have made up?”

Jonny grimaced, “Don’t say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like we’ve had some sort of lover’s tiff.”

“Well…”

Jonny’s face morphed in a deep scowl, “Fuck off Nastya. You two are the only couple here and you know this needed sorting for years.”

The engineer sombered, she did in fact know, knew how much it had eaten at Jonny over the years on top of everything else till he grew cold and indifferent, thinking it one last curse from Carmilla to endure.

“It did, you’re right, and I’m glad. Really. For you and Tim. And Aurora that there’ll be less damage inflicted by the pair of you.”

“I make no promises.”

“You will not like the consequences.” promised the engineer.

Jonny smirked, “No but I enjoy the challenge.”

“You are such a bastard.”

“Always,” he agreed easily, “you love me anyway.”

Nastya rolled her eyes and huffed, looking thoroughly unimpressed, “You are a blight on my life and I despise everything you stand for.”

His smirk deepened, “I know, I know,” before he allowed the soft smile he saved for Nastya and more recently Lily to bloom across his face instead as he stepped carefully into Nastya’s space and pressed a gentle kiss to her head, leaning against her wrapping his arms around her, lending yet more warmth to her.

“Thanks for looking after her.” He mumbled against her hair.

“Well, she’s as much my responsibility as yours to care for.” Admitted Nastya, allowing the affection she felt for Lily flow through her, feeling far more connected now than she ever had before. She squeezed his hand, enjoying the tenderness. It was still quite rare between them, especially in the last few centuries, and it had been an emotional night for them all.

Aurora continued to sing, low and warm and loving as the siblings and their child just breathed together and were.

#the mechanisms #nastya rasputina #lily of many names #jonny d'ville #Night Terrors #Chapter 8 #Soft!Mechs #found family #soft!Jonny D'Ville

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creamypalazzo · 4 years

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here’s the thing:

because melone and ghiaccio don’t have a backstory, much less a complete degree of how their relationship would be, having to be thrown around in my headcanons has lead me to my playlist fucking including supercut by lorde, of all things. (way to go, gay people! woo!)

no i didnt mean to actually do this, in the middle of meloghia brainrot season i decided to listen to this (it’s WAY OVERDUE I KNOW) but i swear, supercut gave me a lot of fucking ideas for exactly how ghiaccio and melone would have ended.

if you know my headcanons for melone and ghiaccio already, then here’s one thing i like to believe with them.

i know they already died, i just... don’t believe they’d be able to last a long time even if they didn’t. they’re a short burst of happiness in my book, “short” being that their relationship was in a honeymoon period for, say, maybe a good amount of time but the moment melone would eventually have to start talking about his past?

things just. stopped working.

things started to become “you’ve made ghiaccio happier” and “he doesn’t shut down as much anymore.”

as if the relationship viewed by others were the only reassurance that this still worked.

they take breaks. well, it’s what happens when you have to live together even if you get into an argument and what not. if it gets personal, the breaks are like a “sleep on the couch thing”-- they need that space.

or, somewhere along those lines their little “breaks” or periods of separation would become longer. quieter. a little agonizing, and ghiaccio can’t get a read on melone because melone will never be read unless he wants to be. the years come, the more melone feels drained off it. but ghiaccio’s only persistent, and for different reasons these two just don’t seem to quit.

so eventually melone has to tell him to call it off.

“call... c-call what off?” (he knows the answer, he just doesn’t want it.)

“this. this thing. us!”

and... that’s really how it ends for them. direct eye contact, loose fists but a little bit of cold air. colder air. melone turns away from it to get back to his old life (even if that won’t be a thing any longer) and ghiaccio comes back to being stuck, experiencing family again.

experiencing that again meaning the feeling of just.. having no choice in the matter. can’t feel because if you feel, what’s gonna happen next, dummy? it’s a break in progress that they used to make, at least in ghiaccio’s head. melone did everything for him; undid his binds, let him melt into him, let him fall apart for the first time in decades and suddenly it’s cold, so cold, melone can’t even look at him and even if it’s been a year of none of that ghiaccio will still look at him in a way melone could never forget.

it took them months to get them to start talking. even further for ghiaccio to have to get over it all, trying to ignore it from their barely-made closure in favor of at least just acting like they could still be friends. (friends as in “yell at for bad grammar, other shit and what not”, but melone still gets semi-nice privileges just because he’s still weak for him and everybody knows it)

it only took them a year to get where they were, islands with burnt bridges at 2001.

so you think: does ghiaccio still love him?

yes.

but does melone still love him?

... of course.

he could never hate ghiaccio.

he still loved his handsome face, made fun of him because he got to, irritated him because he was always a shithead. sometimes he’d still look at him like he’d want to kiss him, but nobody sees it. nobody notices him, because melone is good at acting like he doesn’t stand out with a face like his.

he never said he hated him when they broke up. in fact, he said, “i love you, but... i can’t do this anymore.” and left it at that.

now, when they call, they’re not going to be like what they did when they had to have some time off each other. he takes comfort in ghiaccio’s voice, because it’s the only thing he can let himself love after all they have now.

then, suddenly, things feel... warm again. ghiaccio catches melone staring. melone starts talking to ghiaccio more. he still drives him crazy but it’s not like it’s exaggerated, as erratic anymore. they touch. not accidentally, no. for the first time in a year, they actually touch like they’re comfortable again.

they touch like they’re intimate again.

they touch like they’re in love again.

and it hurts. it hurts because of memories flooding in, feelings, all the way.

but they never get to speak about it.

by the time they have to execute their missions, melone and ghiaccio agreed that they were going to... have a talk again. for the first time in forever.

they didn’t know that was never going to happen.

#talk #meloghia #hehueiheehueeh #imagination #tldr: theyre the character plot of euphoria

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amisbro · 3 years

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Let’s discuss: UtaPri and “factions”

So this is something that I feel has been long overdue but I held off on it for the longest time (and no not just because I couldn’t figure out the issue with my dash on this website either) but I threw my hands up and went “Screw it...WE’RE DOING IT NOW!” With that let’s discuss UtaPri and the “factions”

So we can look at this subject any # of ways and we can use the Anime in a way (especially after Season 4 which people in the fandom can’t fucking let go of to the point I still gotta hear about it) OR We can discuss this in a way with how there is becoming factions where it feels like there are more and more people wanting to have HEAVENS in the game but there is a sharp adversary to this and that causes issues OR We can discuss how ,for a year and a half, there were people like me that just wanted to see the main story updated to get more songs added (and also because the fact that the game was legitimately blocking people from finishing tasks on the missions segment) Things like this are things that have been going on now since AT LEAST 2016 and ,in my opinion, has gotten WORSE once SL became a Global game. I genuinely believe that Broccoli has unknowingly (or possibly knowingly) done things that would splinter the fanbase and KLab got thrown into the mess once Shining Live came out. It’s gone from something that has been one big family to factions of people wanting one thing but being told to basically “Shut the fuck up” by the other group Let me give you an example Shining Live came out in 2017 in Japan and then Globally in 2018. Now is the game called “Shining Live” yes but I think that was a big misstep by KLab and Broccoli because I knew in a way (and its bared out that I was right) that this was going to cause problems Why? I have felt that one of the best things to do with UtaPri was to continue the Music series in some way. We had ended on the A-Sides for QN and STARISH for season songs and then the Group songs for them. It made sense that ,when the next game came out, that we would have the continuation of that and NOT a complete reboot People forget that had there been a “Proper Music 4″ that we would have gone through the S3 B-Sides and then moved on to Season 4 and it would have more than likely started with the Duets and then have had the solos in the next Music game. The point here is that they were going to have enough songs that were “publicly available” that “Broccoli’s Rule” wouldn’t have had to come into effect. Nonetheless we got Shining Live and for the first year + we had a lot of content for the people that liked to play the events and then still please those that really...probably knew better than to play the events so we just played the main story and chilled out. Keep in mind though this was also before they instituted the “Points Shot” and the mission that maxed out at the # 50 so for a while it was a bit weird...but you understood it! Then October of 2018 happened and because of that the Collection event and the halt of “Main Story” content and I remember mentioning in the comments of one of the KLab Game Stations that I would have liked to see more “Main Story” content and that resulted in an argument with someone and that was my first real realization that there were going to start to become more “camps” like this in the future. The biggest problem is always this one with SL Again is the game called “Shining Live”? Yes it is but that doesn’t mean you should get the right to exclude content from the game JUST BECAUSE its not from “Shining Productions”! Remember kids: “Shining Live” is a “Subtitle” of a game but “Uta no Prince-Sama” is the main part of the title...excluding one part of the series literally becomes a problem then! Now one could say “Well HEAVENS doesn’t have enough songs” And yet they get new songs released (and mentioned in tweets) and yet we can’t put those songs in SL...right! I think sometimes people forget that SL doesn’t exist in the universe of UtaPri like I think you do. Like they could have literally said that HEAVENS was canonically a part of Shining Productions in SL and that would literally solve everything...now they DON’T so we go into this whole thing every time they tweet out something that involves song releases. Like you all DO realize that there were 3 groups at Maji Love Kingdom right? So therefore there were SIX songs performed outside of “Maji Love Kingdom” right? I’m making sure you are aware of this because the way KLab has marketed this game (poorly in a way) is such that you genuinely forgot that HEAVENS IS a part of the UtaPri Universe! Here is another one Here in the States we had screenings of Maji Love Kingdom. I went to the one in NJ and it was literally like walking into a morgue! Now a big part of this is that Sentai fucked up royally and didn’t send out anything to theaters that this was to be treated more like a CONCERT than a MOVIE but they didn’t so what you ended up with was a lot of people not really singing along to the songs and it was literally so DEAD that I walked out before “Encore” finished! Now one would think that ,if you had a bad experience and you wanted to talk about it, people would be more sympathetic...problem is that didn’t happen! Here is what DID happen! Apparently there was this one cat that felt they needed to do PR for Sentai and anyone that genuinely complained about it on twitter were being told by this one individual (no I will not name them but I bet you they know who they are) “Maybe your next experience will be better” Alright shut all the way the fuck up! The experience that I had (and some others apparently) LITERALLY SUCKED! I get that we were in the minority but still...if there are people that had a bad time you don’t get to act any kind of way towards them...point blank period! The reality is that yes the camp of people that had a bad time was small...we got that but at the same time those people deserved to be heard and if you negate those people that’s a problem because how do theaters get to fix their issues then? But these are things I’m talking about. We get to the point where the series here starts to get divisive because of different things. HEAVENS not being in SL is a big one because...shouldn’t fans of the group be allowed to get cards of their faves too? The other big thing we can get into is the fact that it was recently announced that there are going to be an “Animated Concert Series” starting in 2022 and first is STARISH. I think we all know (based on past performances) that they are no doubt going to give STARISH and QN this treatment and that’s fine...but you have to be lying to yourself if you think for any amount of time that Broccoli gives any fucks about HEAVENS...they don’t...they literally DO NOT CARE! If you say they do then answer me this question “Why didn’t HEAVENS get a stage event like QN and STARISH?” Or answer me this one “Why didn’t they get to perform their solos but STARISH did at 6th stage?” I mean...ANYONE with a clue knows why and its obvious. When Agematsu tweeted out a photo from the Movie of course he tweeted it out specifically of STARISH but HE don’t get put on blast for his bias? HE IS LITERALLY HARUKA’S PROXY FOR FUCK SAKES!! Let me assure you all of something: You know damn well that a lot of you really hate the fuck out of HEAVENS because if you didn’t then for FOUR YEARS (soon to be 5) you all wouldn’t have harped JUST on what happened to Otoya...nah you’d have given a fuck about Eiichi but we get it cos you all hate his guts right? Y’all love to still post your Eiichi hate and I still get to see it SOMEHOW but don’t worry cos I got a spot on the bench for all of ya That is all I needed to say here...talk to all you lovely people again soon

#uta no prince sama #HEAVENS #factions #Shining Live #6th Stage

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multi-obsessed-fanfic-writer · 4 years

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It’s For The Best (Zuko x Reader)

Author’s Note: Ah! First fanfic post! I absolutely love Zuko and Sokka so there’s probably going to be a lot of one-shots for them right now haha. This is also set up for a part two if anyone ever wants it! I’m also content leaving it at this as well, though. I’m really excited to be writing again and I can’t wait to post more stories for everyone to read! Thank you so much!

Summary: You adjust to life with Zuko after the war when you realize it may not be everything you’ve ever wanted and more.

It’s For The Best

Zuko x Reader

Word Count: 3,164

Warnings: Angst

You had never expected to even make it out of the war alive, so how did you end up where you are now?

You’re currently sitting in the courtyard of the Fire Nation palace while feeding small pieces of bread to the floating turtle ducks in the pond. If someone had told you this is where you’d be two years ago, you would have laughed in their face. Oh, how times have changed.

“Hey, (Y/n),” A voice behind you causes you to turn around. You face the one and only Zuko, your ruggedly handsome boyfriend.

“Well, hello, Firelord Zuko,” You say, smirking slightly. He grimaces at the excessive use of his title.

“We’ve had this conversation already, (Y/n), I don’t-”

“You don’t want me to use your title all the time, yadda, yadda, I get it.” You sigh, rubbing a hand over your face as you turn back to your previous position facing toward the pond. You toss another piece of bread to the turtle ducks.

Zuko sits next to you, his hand finding yours. You let him take your hand and rub his calloused fingers across your smooth skin. You stop throwing bread and turn to face him.

“I’m sorry this is so hard for you,” He murmurs, bringing your hand up to his lips as he presses a feather-light kiss to the back of it. Your features soften at this side of him. It’s a special soft side of him that he saves for when the two of you are alone. You love it, though.

“It’s just...not the life I thought I’d be living, you know? It’s taking some time to adjust.” You look down at your feet, your hand dropping from his grasp.

“It’s been almost a year, (Y/n). How long do you think it’ll take to adjust?” He whispers, his eyes searching your face for an answer when you don’t give him one.

A long silence passes between the two of you before you decide to finally break it.

“I’m starting to get hungry after throwing all this bread at animals. I’m going to go get a snack from the kitchen. I’ll see you later.” You press a chaste kiss to his cheek before abruptly standing and striding off to the kitchen. Zuko stays behind.

You hate to do this to him. You hate to make things so hard on him while you try to adjust to life in the palace. However, as a waterbender from the north pole, you were way out of your element. Quite literally. You were used to freezing cold temperatures, heavy coats, and playing in the snow. Here? You feel...out of place. It’s much too hot for you, you can’t wear any of the clothes that you’re comfortable in, and there’s no place that you can feel at home at. Least of all the palace.

Zuko wants you to feel at home in the palace, he wants you to feel like you fit in. You know why, of course. As his girlfriend, it’s natural that he’d eventually want to marry you, and if that happens, you’d spend your life here. Of course he wants you to feel comfortable at the place you might potentially spend the rest of your life at. However, you just couldn’t. It had been a year and you had yet to relax in the palace. You didn’t want to be the queen of the nation that had ruined your home, not that ruining your home was something you were still upset about. The Fire Nation was better under Zuko’s rule, but you still didn’t want to rule a nation at all. It wasn’t in you. You’re just a regular girl.

“Lady (Y/n)? There are visitors here to see you.” A guard speaks to your right. You jump at his presence, having just reached your hand out for a biscuit.

“Uh, send them in. Thank you.” Your cheeks flush with embarrassment that the guard had caught you snacking and had seen you jump when he scared you. However, the guard seemed to pay no attention to this fact as he steps aside and three people rush forward to greet you.

“(Y/n)!” Katara, Aang, and Sokka grin, running toward you with arms open wide. You get enveloped in a bone-crushing bear hug from the three as a warm smile spreads across your face.

“Hey, guys! Long time no see!” You hug them back, a warmth filling your chest. It had been roughly a month since you had visited them at the south pole with Zuko on some ‘external relations’ diplomatic mission Zuko was sent on. You had tagged along to see your friends.

“It’s been too long!” Aang complains, finally breaking the hug to give you a wide smile as he laces his and Katara’s hands together. You smile at them, you’re happy that they’re still doing well together.

“How have you guys been? And where’s Toph?” You ask, looking individually at their faces. None of them have grown up too much which gives you a sense of relief even though it has only been a month since you saw them last.

“We’ve been great!” Katara grins and squeezes Aang’s hand as he blushes.

“And Toph had some important family issue at home she had to attend to. I’m not entirely convinced she just didn’t feel like traveling. But anyway, we miss you! You should come back to the south pole, we need you there,” Sokka interjects with a pout. You smile sadly at him but don’t answer, fearing you might let something slip out that you don’t necessarily mean.

“Where’s Zuko? Shouldn’t you guys be together?” Katara winks at you, giving you a playful smirk. You didn’t have the heart to tell her that you had just left him sitting alone out in the courtyard.

“Uh, I think I saw him in the courtyard last.” You feign innocence, pretending to think hard about where your boyfriend might be. They all grin widely.

“Well, let’s go pay him a visit! Come on!” Aang and Katara all-but-drag you over to the courtyard where Zuko is still sitting on the stone bench, a forlorn look on his face. You furrow your brows as you get a pang in your chest. You put that look on his face.

“Zuko! My man!” Sokka saunters up to him and sits down, slinging an arm around his shoulders. Zuko’s head shoots up, clearly not hearing the four of you approach.

“Oh, hey guys.” Zuko waves to everyone, his eyes lingering sadly on you for a moment. You look anywhere but at him.

He knows you’re not happy here and he’s having the same internal debate that you’re having. Do you stay together, hoping that one day you’ll be happy and content in the Fire Nation? Or do the two of you let go and accept that your lives may be taking you in different directions?

You’re not sure where your head was at on that question. On one hand, you love Zuko dearly, and you’re not sure you can give him up. On the other, though, you think about what it would be like to be the queen of the Fire Nation. You’re not cut out for that kind of job, and you rarely get to see Zuko now that he’s Firelord, so what would happen when you both had royal duties to attend to? Would you get to see him at all?

“How are you guys doing over here in the Fire Nation?” Aang pipes up, smiling between you and Zuko. You look over at Zuko and find that he’s already staring at you, waiting for your answer first.

“Things have been...great,” you lie straight through your teeth, “Zuko and I have been having a wonderful time. I’m so excited to be here with him.”

“Really? First you lied to me, now you’re lying to them?” Zuko mutters. Katara, Sokka, and Aang overhear this and turn to you in confusion. Your cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

“I never lied to you, Zuko. I said I needed time and that’s exactly what I’m standing by. Are we seriously going to have this discussion right now? Here, in front of our friends?” You say, your voice quiet as you carefully plan what you’re going to say to stop the argument.

Too late.

“I think this discussion is long overdue, (Y/n). I’ve given you a year in the Fire Nation and you still refuse to call it home, to accept that this might just be where you belong. You refuse to accept me,” He breathes out, having stood up. He now stares at you from a few feet away, a fiery look in his eyes as his anger flares up. You know you’ve put him in a tough position, but this wasn’t easy for you, either.

“Zuko, I don’t want to cause a scene. Please, can we discuss this later? In private?” Your eyes flit over the faces of your friends. They all look shocked, not having known that you and Zuko were not doing well.

“I don’t want to discuss it later! I want to discuss it now! How come you aren’t comfortable with me anymore? Here? Where we belong together?” He asks, taking a few steps forward until he’s only two feet in front of you. You grit your teeth, screwing your eyes shut as he says this.

“Because this isn’t where I belong, Zuko,” you finally let out the words that felt like they were being trapped just beneath your skin for ages, itching to finally get out in the open, “I belong in the north or south pole, with my people. I belong with other waterbenders who can help me hone my waterbending skills. I belong in the cold where I can wear clothes that I’m used to instead of the sweltering heat where I feel like I’m constantly being melted alive. I belong somewhere where I might have the chance to be normal again instead of being exalted to the highest status in the nation. I don’t want to be queen, Zuko, I want to live a normal life without royal duties. I want to be able to see my husband in the future instead of constantly being told that he’s in a meeting. This is where you belong, but I don’t think it’s for me.”

Everyone is speechless. They all gape at you, eyes wide and mouths dangling open at this sudden confession. Zuko’s eyes convey fear, hurt, and betrayal all at once. You want to grab him and pull him close to you, telling him that you still love him and that you want to continue to try to be comfortable here. For him.

But you know it’s too late for that.

“Do you even still love me?” Zuko’s voice comes out barely above a whisper, only loud enough for you to hear. You mull over the question in your head.

Do you?

Before you can answer, Zuko has taken your silence as your answer and he starts to walk off in the direction of the palace, brushing past you on his way through. Your heart breaks as you feel him graze your shoulder as if you aren’t even there. This answers your question immediately.

Yes, you still love him, but you’re not sure that’s enough anymore.

“What...was that?” Sokka interrupts your thoughts, staring in shock at you. You bite your lip.

“I...I don’t know.” You manage to spit out, tears threatening to spill out of your eyes as you think about what you’ve done. You can’t just bounce back from this. You had all but admitted to Zuko that you didn’t want to be here anymore, which meant you didn’t want to be with him anymore.

“We’ll...be in the guest quarters. Come get us when you’re ready, I know you probably need some time to think.” Katara gives you a sad, knowing smile as she grabs the boys and leads them away from you. You sink to the ground, your knees grazing the water of the pond as the turtle ducks wade over to you for food. You sit back on your ankles, your mind reeling as you think over what this could mean and what your possibilities are now.

Could you go back and apologize? After everything you’ve said, would he even accept your apology? Would he want you back?

Would you even want to come back?

“I need to talk to him…” You murmur to yourself, looking over at the baby turtle ducks.

You stand, still a little numb from the previous interaction, and start to walk toward the palace. You need to sleep things over before you rush into any more tough conversations with Zuko.

You walk to your chambers, falling into the bed and falling asleep on top of the covers almost immediately. Your sleep is fitful and dreamless.

~+~

You wake up, you’re not sure how much time has passed, but it’s still day time. You look down and realize that a blanket has been draped across your body and a hot cup of tea is waiting on your bedside table. You reach over and take a quick sip, kicking the blanket off and swinging your legs over the side of the bed. Once you’re standing, Zuko slips into the room quietly. He turns to face you, realizing that you’re already standing there.

“Oh! You’re awake,” He says sheepishly, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, “I didn’t know. It’s morning, by the way. You slept the whole night.”

“Oh, sorry...Did you do all of this?” You ask, motioning to the hot tea and blanket. He nods.

“Yeah, I...I did. Um, listen, we need to talk.” He sits down on one of the small couches in your room. You sit on a couch across from him.

“We do.” You nod curtly, sucking in a breath as you prepare for the pending fight.

“I-I know that I was rude yesterday, and I’m sorry. We both said things that I think we didn’t mean…” He trails off, looking up at you. You give him a sad look.

“I’m sorry, Zuko, but I meant what I said,” You say softly. Your eyes hold a tenderness that he knows you only hold for him. Zuko looks down at the carpet, a poorly attempted smile making its way onto his face.

“I know,” he murmurs, “and I understand now. It took me a few hours, but I think I know what you mean. The Fire Nation is only a burden to you, and I’m sorry it took me a year to realize that.”

His eyes look sadder than you’ve ever seen them before. You know this is hard for him, and it’s equally as hard for you, but you both know that it’s for the best.

“It’s not your fault. I was hard to decipher sometimes, and even I didn’t really know what I wanted until yesterday. I’m really sorry, I...I didn’t want for this to happen,” You reply truthfully. You didn’t. You wanted to be with him, to love him, to be his queen. But it just wasn’t in the cards for you.

“I know you didn’t. Neither of us planned for this to happen, but I think we both know what’s best for you. You should join Sokka and Katara in the South Pole, they need you there. And I wish that you could need to be here, too, but we both know that you don’t. You most of all. So, go. I want you to be happy, even if that means leaving us behind. I’m...trying really hard to be mature about this,” Zuko rants, running his hands through his hair. You grab one of them and hold it in yours, sitting next to him on the small couch space.

“I love you, Zuko. More than you could ever know. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop truly loving you…” You trail off, leaning in for one last kiss. He complies, pressing his lips to yours softly and lingering there as he soaks in every last moment with you.

“I’ll visit the South Pole soon, yeah? Just because we won’t be together doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, right?” He rests his forehead against yours and tears slip down both of your cheeks.

“Right. This isn’t goodbye, it’s just a see you later. We’ll be on separate paths in life, but that doesn’t mean that we will never see each other again,” You murmur, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “I’ll see you soon, Zuko. I promise you that.”

“I’ll see you soon, (Y/n/n),” Zuko whispers as he watches you get up and walk away from him, through your door, and into the hallway.

Once you’re in the hallway, you let out a breath of relief. You can’t believe that conversation went as well as it did.

First thing’s first, though. You need to find Katara, Aang, and Sokka.

You run down the hall, newfound freedom running wild within you. You smile and knock on Katara’s door and it swings open in two seconds flat. Inside are Katara, Aang, and Sokka already chatting. They look confused at the smile on your face.

“I’m coming back to the South Pole with you guys,” You say, your smile only growing wider. None of them question you as they break out into wide smiles of their own.

“Heck yeah! Now we can go penguin sledding together!” Aang cheers, pumping his fist in the air. Katara gives you a slightly confused look and you shake your head, motioning that you’ll talk to her about it later. She nods and envelops you in a big hug as the boys join her. You hug back and a few tears slip down your cheek unnoticed. This is a very emotionally torn day for you since you feel happy and sad at the same time. You’re not sure whether it’s tears of joy or sadness leaking out of your eyes right now, but it doesn’t matter. You’re going home with some of the people you love.

“Let’s get going, then!” Sokka links arms with you and Katara as Aang links Katara’s other arm with his. Together, the four of you walk down to Appa and get ready to leave.

You take one last sad look over your shoulder to the Fire Nation palace and think about Zuko. You know this is the right decision, but you can’t help but feel a sad twang in your heart for leaving the one you truly love.

It’s for the best, though, and you know that. That’s the reason you muster up the courage to turn back around and climb into Appa’s saddle as Aang yells an enthusiastic “yip, yip!” and you’re headed off into the sky.

The palace descends into a small speck as you get further and further away from it on Appa, and you can’t help but shed one more tear for Zuko.

It’s for the best.

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gaiatheorist · 4 years

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“50% Feminine.”

I’m going mad again, I’m listing probable reasons, but going mad isn’t reasonable, it’s something that just happens to me from time to time. This is one of the slow, creepy-uppy episodes, not one of the sudden, explosive ones, possibly less dangerous, but incredibly draining. It’ll pass, it always does, it had better do, it’s bloody horrible.

Standard disclaimer, I am at increased risk of harm, but I have no intent or ideation of deliberately harming myself, apart from drinking too much cheap-and-nasty wine, which is my standard maladaptive coping mechanism.

I woke up at 1.30am, and, after a brief discussion with my wonky brain, acknowledged that I was Awake-awake, and there was no chance of going back to sleep. This will have a knock-on effect for a few days, there’s a fair chance I’ll fall asleep in my dinner, but it’s mostly containable. (The madness, as well as the dinner.) Scrolling through Twitter, to see if I’d ‘missed anything’, I found a link to ‘My Gender Coordinates’, and decided to take the quiz, no better or worse use of my time than a Fakebook quiz to tell me what sort of sandwich, or shoe I am.

There are 35 questions, I can’t remember exactly how they’re worded, but it’s along the lines of “I am...” or “I consider myself...” about various character traits, or behaviours, you ‘answer’ on a sliding scale from double-thumbs-up to double-thumbs-down. There’s a ‘middle’ option, which, when I’m going mad, is always a bit tempting, I’m indifferent, I don’t care much about much when I’m in this state.(Until I do, and get all emotionally peaky, HATING an empty shampoo bottle on the bathroom floor, but refusing to move it, because it’s not mine, or finding myself close to tears because I think I’ve offended someone, and not quite knowing how to check.)

The ‘results’ come out on a quadrant-graph thingy, Masculine/Androgynous/Undifferentiated/Feminine, I deliberately didn’t look at that first, because I would have skewed my answers, aiming for ‘undifferentiated’, I’m awkward like that. My results were that I ‘fall between quadrants’, no big surprise there, my dot was bang on the line between ‘masculine’ and ‘androgynous’, all in the top half of the square, ‘68.3% Masculine, 50% Feminine’, I don’t know how that works, it’s numbers, and maths and stuff, and my brain doesn’t work like that. (Haha, because I’m a girl, and girls are better at biology than physics. Bullshit.)

What does it mean? In all likelihood, nothing, it does look kind-of scientific, which is why I answered all of the questions, instead of giving up at the first hint of a cartoon dinosaur, or a ‘pick which colour-scheme appeals to you’. (Cartoon dinosaurs are my new pet hate, I’ve recently had to wade back through the clip-art infested worksheets from the last mental health course, and I’m fairly certain I’ve imagined a cartoon dinosaur, but that’s a tangent I’ll try to avoid.) I have strong opinions on the concept of gender, for however-many years I’ve been writing on here, I’ve identified as ‘meat no-one eats’, my biological sex is female, and my uterus is certainly reminding me of that fact this week. My gender? Human. Probably.

“Identified as”, how very modern, it’s not ‘really’ a new thing, to me, or the world, what I’m trying to do here is type out a safe-release, to vent, I suppose it all boils down to my resentment of being ‘told’. There are vague childhood memories of being told “Ladies do/don’t do...”, and I have a ridiculous rage-bubble of “Yes, and sloths poo once a week, what’s your point?”, too late one thinks of what one might have said. I’m no more a lady than I am a sloth, I’m probably leaning more towards sloth at the moment, I’m overdue a bath.

Working through the statement-ratings, I noticed I was pulling a face at some of them. All of them, to be honest, which surprised me, because, with a diagnosis of autism, there’s the preconception that my response would be binary-linear, black-or-white, always/never. It wasn’t, my response was invariably “That’s a stupid question.”, and they weren’t questions, for every single statement, I decided “Unable to answer without context.”, and had to imagine a scenario to contextualise “I am generous” or “I am decisive”, or whatever. ( I *am* decisive, given sufficient context.) I need to watch that I don’t fall into a psychopath/sociopath rabbit-hole here, my sometimes-linear approach could be viewed as psychopathic, and my bending/masking could fit a sociopathic profile. Too many personality quizzes in my teen-girl magazines, and an on-going desire to name and categorize things.

I was pulling a face at the statements that are usually associated with the concept of femininity, there really isn’t a male-brain/female-brain. (All brains smell horrible, I have smelled my own brain, wasn’t pleasant.) There are some biological differences, most notably the reproductive bits, but not really a great deal else, the ex used to say that humans were evolving to be more androgynous, but I see now that he was trying to justify the societally-imposed feelings of inadequacy that I was as tall as him, with more body-hair. He ascribed to the concept of androgyny when it suited him, lauding Bowie in public, and insisting I was ‘better’ at housework in private. A product of his upbringing, but deeply coercive-toxic. He enjoyed my androgynous-atypical nature up to a point, I was a trophy in more ways than just my long legs and pretty mouth, I confused the hell out of his ‘traditional’ family, though.

The statements that made me screw up my face could have been coloured pink, they were the ones that ‘ladies do’, some, I consciously, deliberately-don’t, and some are just a natural hard-no, nature vs nurture in evidence. I have learned behaviours, and innate, natural tendencies, there was a bit of a domestic issue the other day when I noted my son being manipulative, and destroyed-devastated myself wondering if he’d learned-observed that from me. I don’t think so, my avoidance-behaviours are quite different. I was pulling faces at the stereotypical ‘female’ traits, initially an “Ew, no, I don’t do that!” response, but, as I realised I was doing it, I wondered WHY I was repulsed. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with being kind/sensitive/compassionate, they’re human responses, not ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’, but even the quiz itself refers to them as “Traits commonly found in people of the ... gender.” (Androgynous is referred to as high in male- and female-typical traits, undifferentiated as low in both.) Commonly, not exclusively.

Part of the issue is that I associate femininity with vulnerability and weakness. I choose not to ‘present as’ female most of the time, my sex usually isn’t obvious until people get close, and I don’t let many people get that close. (Even before the virus-distancing.) There are ‘historical and complicating factors’ behind some of that, but there’s also the gender-conditioning I grew up with, girls-should, and boys-should, I didn’t have particularly positive experiences or role-models, but, even aside from that, the general concensus was that male was stronger, better, more important, female was secondary and subservient. To do something ‘like a girl’ was an insult, but, by the same token, I was often criticised for not being ‘girly’, ever the outlier. I’m wondering how much of the non-femininity is reactive-protective, how much could be part of the autism, and how much is just ‘how I am’?

Girly-females irritate me, vacuous conversations, hair-and-make-up, dependence on others, incessant diets and fads, I don’t ‘get’ any of it, and I don’t buy into it, I don’t see why I should, just because my genitals are in the more difficult-to-kick arrangement. (True to form, my son has more make-up and hair-stuff than I do, I can’t remember how he referred to my presentation a few weeks ago, but it might have involved goblins, and a bin.) Occasionally, people tell me I could be attractive if I made an effort, my go-to response is “What for?”, I do generally look as if I live in a tree, it doesn’t bother me. That’s not wholly a girl-thing or a boy-thing, I do know some very well-presented people of both flavours, but I’ve genuinely never overheard a group of men discussing razor-blades or underpants the way I’ve heard gaggles of women banging on about make-up and such.

Women who talk in baby-voices, women who giggle and simper around men, women who don’t even try to pick things up themselves, I think what I’m saying is that I don’t like women who ‘act as’ women, and it is an act, my mother’s phone-laugh used to make me want to scream.

Before I became annoyed at myself for placing more value on the traits more commonly associated with masculinity than femininity, I’d had a mini-argument with myself that it was impossible to rate any of the statements objectively. Am I kind? It depends on the situation, last week I helped a little old lady sort out a mis-delivered parcel, but the week before that, I’d sped up my walking pace, so I could get into the corner shop before the person behind me, it might have been the same little old lady, I wasn’t paying attention. I’d viewed the thumbs-rating as a never-always continuum, so, technically, all of the responses ‘should’ have been middle-option, for ‘sometimes’. (There might have been an explanation in the site somewhere, it was daft o’clock in the morning.) For each behaviour, I was thinking of a situation, which was wrong, I think I should have been rating least-likely to most-likely. The situation has an influence on the behaviour, if I had friends, I’d behave differently with them to the way I’d behave with a doctor, or a manager, or my son, and even that behaviour would depend on multiple external factors, it wouldn’t be static-consistent, it would be dynamic. We all do it, we’re socially conditioned to behave according to audience and environment.

I didn’t go to finishing school, I didn’t even go to university, there were no elocution or deportment classes at my rough-as-arseholes comprehensive school, and most of my childhood meals at home were eaten from a plate on my knee, on the sofa, in front of the TV. There were still expectations, though. Standing up if a teacher came into the classroom, not interrupting an adult speaking, letting elderly or otherwise infirm people on the bus first. I don’t remember my brother being given as many instructions as I was, though, and I think that was more to do with me being a girl than being two and a half years older, he did pretty much as he pleased, and was a ‘rascal’, or a ‘scamp’, whereas I was told to sit down (nicely), be quiet, smile, be helpful etc long before the wear a bra, brush your hair, show a bit of leg nonsense started.

I’m fairly certain that the gender-specific conditioning is part of the reason my autism wasn’t diagnosed until I was 42. I’d had expectations drummed, and sometimes beaten into me all my life, everything was already an act, a performance, so I just assumed everyone else was ‘faking it’ all the time, over-riding gut-instinct on everything, and acting according to these confusing social scripts. The “What for?” streak in me is problematic for other people, I’m viewed as difficult, challenging, sometimes plain rude, and overly bold ‘for a woman’. I don’t speak much, but, when I do, I make it count, I’m tenacious and determined, and, most of the time, completely exhausted trying to remember and correctly apply rules and boundaries, scripts I don’t understand the reasoning behind, and constantly-consistently assess environments and audiences, to avoid ‘getting it wrong’.

I am blunt at times. I can be articulate and eloquent, but sometimes a situation demands just-enough information to convey the salient point. I don’t tend to ‘waste words’, and am frustrated when people fanny about with “Does that make sense?” and “This might sound silly, but...” Anecdotally, I hear that from women more than men, we’re discouraged from being too much to-the-point, to go the long way around things, instead of straight at them, and to check for reassurance. I speak ‘like a man’, it’s more efficient. (”Does everyone understand what they are to do?” was my preferred meeting-closing-statement, I’m brutal.)

I sometimes see the reverse-of-me in my son, he isn’t the least bit blunt or brutal most of the time. (He did shout “Stop it!” at me quite forcefully one day last week when I was having a meltdown after getting bin-juice on my face. He saves his command-voice for emergencies.) He ties himself in knots about communicating with people, and avoids most conversation, although he’ll babble incessantly to himself to process thoughts and ideas. (I have sores inside my ears that won’t heal, because I keep putting my earphones in to drown out his waffling about D&D plots and such.) He’s nervous-anxious where I’m bold, he’s scared of a million things that I’m not in the least bit concerned by, but then, I am an idiot. Biological sex is not gender, but neither of us are really binary-gendered. (I’m not going to suggest he does the quiz, he’s so incredibly indecisive it would melt his brain.) I never conditioned him ‘male’, he’s always just been another human to me, but he has had conflicting messages from his Dad’s side of the family, boys-don’t-cry, come-and-kick-this-ball, look-at-the-tits-on-that, and the girly-girl aunts and cousins. Confusing times, but he has referred to himself as a pan-sexual trans-humanist, and I don’t really know what that is. (He hasn’t asked me to use different pronouns, or a different name, so he’s still ‘him’.)

I’m rambling. I’ve been pecking away at this for hours, but I do feel a little more settled for doing it. I didn’t go off on as many ranty tangents as I thought I might, which is reassuring, this episode of going mad has been mostly-irritable, and I don’t like it. Catch-22, there, as a female, I’m ‘supposed to’ be all pink and fluffy, and nice, but the lazy stereotype of a woman can also be a nagging old harridan, I’m straddling that line as well as the line between quadrants on the quiz. I bet you 10p that if I did the quiz again, I’d be able to skew the answers to place the dot dead-centre in the grid, but I might blow up the internet if I did that, and imagine the mess that would make.

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darkpoisonouslove · 4 years

Note

Lucifer and Chloe and children. (And potentially having one.)

I finally managed to get this done after a lot of panicking over it but I actually liked how it turned out. I hope you’ll like it too.

Chloe shook her head as she watched Trixie bolt from the couch and into her room to look for something most certainly connected to the argument she and Lucifer had been having for the last few minutes. He hadn’t given in despite the fact that he was arguing with a twelve-year-old and while some kids–and parents–might have found that inappropriate, Trixie always enjoyed being treated like an equal and not getting handed things just because she was still a kid. And even though Chloe was half-sure Lucifer wasn’t doing it on purpose and was just a slave to his ego in the situation, she was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt since he always surprised her with much deeper understanding and care than she’d expected. Usually, the surprise only came after he’d done something outrageous first but it was enough to know he learned from his mistakes. Most people didn’t really, and it made him special, getting him a place in her life even when he made her want to throw him out of the car in motion.

“Are you sure Candy isn’t going to pop up with a child a few months in the future?” Chloe asked as she made her way back to the couch. She wasn’t yet in a place where jokes about Lucifer’s soon-to-be ex wife didn’t leave a bitter taste in her mouth but for the purpose of the conversation she could swallow her own feelings. She hoped that talking openly even on a topic she didn’t like would make Lucifer want to do the same.

Lucifer looked at her with that startled look he gave when she’d said something that had hit him over the head with a dawning realization that had been long overdue. “Chloe-”

“Because I think you’ll make for a great father,” Chloe said, not wishing to let them fall down the rabbit hole that Candy was again. They’d talked about that and she preferred they didn’t do it again. Not now at least. There were still feelings to sort out there and she wanted to get a handle on those first before diving into that mess of a situation. Lucifer was there now, without a wife on his arm, so that would have to be enough for now.

Lucifer chuckled but there was no mirth in the sound, only confusion and what sounded like fear hidden behind an attempt at deflection. “Detective, have you perhaps inhaled too much smoke from the joint I had earlier today?” Lucifer said, stressing the word he was trying to get her to focus on.

She had to admit that he had a point. And perhaps she had lost her mind to think someone with his bacchanal lifestyle could raise a child but she knew she wasn’t wrong. Lifestyles could change but it was harder to turn into something you’re not. And Lucifer was a caring person. He’d shown that time and time again and he’d convinced her it was his true nature even when he was also being selfish a big portion of the time. He did care about the people he loved, about his friends, and that she could never doubt. Even when he pulled a stupid and hurtful stunt. He came back and even if it was hard for him to apologize or he was thinking there was no reason to, he stuck around for the people he cared about. He’d always had her back.

“I know it sounds crazy,” Chloe said, allowing herself to tease just for a moment before she turned serious again, “but you’re good in family things.” She was as sincere as she’d ever been. And she didn’t just mean the family games he played with her and Trixie. He was loyal, sometimes even stupidly so. He was honest, even with his convoluted metaphors. He was involved, sometimes to a point that was downright annoying and prying into people’s privacy. He was protective, even if he tried to play it cool and uncaring. He was doing his best to understand people, or at least understand her. He was her partner and she couldn’t wish for another person to trust with her life.

Lucifer scoffed. “Need I remind you of my family situation? Because dear old dad definitely doesn’t seem to agree with you. He wouldn’t have cast me out of heaven otherwise,” Lucifer said, his voice getting that tone of anger and bitterness that remind her too much of how she’d spoken to him when he’d come back from Vegas with Candy and it did drive home the point of how hurt he must have been by his father’s actions, stopping her from rolling her eyes at the devil concept. It wasn’t the time for him to drag them into that.

“It doesn’t matter what he thinks,” Chloe said, earning herself a look of wonder from Lucifer that she understood as much as she didn’t. He’d openly shown his displeasure with his father and yet, he seemed struck by the notion her words expressed even if it had been behind all his comments on the topic along with the clear feeling of embitterment over the whole matter. “It matters what you think and what you want,” she reached and placed a hand on his only to see the emotion in his eyes intensify. “And I think... I think you want a family,” Chloe said, wondering if perhaps she wasn’t pushing it when it was better to just stay away. But she wanted to believe that that was what had seen him marrying a stripper. She wanted to think that their kiss–especially combined with her near death experience after–had scared him with what it could lead to and even more so with the potential of things falling apart on the way there so he’d gone for the easy option and he’d gotten a family but he’d quickly realized it wasn’t what he wanted, or rather, not the way he wanted it.

“Detective...” Lucifer wanted to say something but there was something else stopping him and even despite all the confusion and lack of clarity in the situation Chloe understood. Or at least she wanted to think she did.

“You have a family, Lucifer. With all of your friends.” They had their differences, of course, but she was sure none of them would ever abandon the others. She was living with Maze of all people and Linda was being patient with Lucifer’s metaphors while Ella was giving hugs to everyone she could get her hands on and between all of that, she felt like she was a part of a big, crazy family. And she really hoped Lucifer felt like that too. “We’re all here for you because we want to be. Because you make us want to be your friends,” Chloe said, feeling the tears coming into her eyes and making a blur of her vision just like her emotions were in her heart. She felt a lot for Lucifer and even if he was pushing her past her limits sometimes, she couldn’t imagine her life without him now that he was a part of it. It had been what had scared her so much when he’d disappeared, and had then upset her when he’d come back with a wife by his side. It had felt like a threat to her place in his life and the loneliness of that had terrified her. So she hoped he didn’t feel like he had no one either.

“Thank you, detective,” Lucifer said, his voice soft like she was trying to convince herself it was only when he talked to her. “You gave me enough proof that you really are high right now,” Lucifer spoke, making her roll her eyes hard this time but she wasn’t quick to remove her hand from his and he didn’t seem to mind either.

Chloe only pulled away when Trixie came in running again and squished herself between them. “Hey, monkey,” Chloe said as she pulled her closer because Trixie could never come between her and Lucifer. In fact, she was yet another part of the family she’d talked about and she knew Lucifer knew that for certain too. For Trixie was always expressing her affection towards him openly and directly, unafraid of any potential consequences of her actions. And she hoped Lucifer and her would learn to do that too, side by side like they did everything else since they were partners.

#lucifer #lucifer morningstar #chloe decker #deckerstar #trixie espinoza #trixie decker #fanfiction #my fanficion #my writing #in conversation #ask #trashcankitty12

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tydelwve · 5 years

Text

Rumors {pt. 1}

Characters: Calum x reader

Word Count: 2446

Warnings: angst w happy ending

Summary: Calum’s statement out of context during an interview leads to a long overdue talk between the two of you.

Beta(s): @cashton-queen

Author’s Note: I guess this counts as the mark of my return. Ithink I’m going to be doing things differently for a little while until I can get fully back into it. I am working on a lot of fics for you guys right now, so I’l mainly just be finishing those for you guys and posting. Part two will be posted tomorrow!

want to be tagged? || my masterlist

“Welcome to our live interviews with Calum Hood and Luke Hemmings from 5 Seconds of Summer! You guys are the interviewers here, so send in your questions to ask the boys and they’ll happily answer!”

Calum and Luke nodded and waved at the camera with smiles across their faces.

How is the next album coming along?

“I’d say it’s coming along very well. We had some,” Luke glanced at Calum, “‘minor inconveniences earlier this month.”

Calum nodded as his mind drifted to you and the argument you had two weeks prior. “Yeah, some things came up that threw me off my game, but it’s getting sorted out.”

He leaned back, crossing his arms as the next question comes in.

How was vacationing in the Bahamas with your girls after tour?

“It was really good. That was Y/N’s first time there and she really enjoyed herself. I got to show her all of the sights. We all went parasailing and windsurfing. It was a blast,” Calum softly smiled.

Luke grinned at Calum when he noticed the brief happiness in his eyes. A look that was foreign on Calum’s face since the two of you broke up.

“Sierra, Crystal, and Y/N really planned out this trip. There was never a dull moment. We even got Calum, here, to post on his accounts. That has to show how much fun we had,” Luke teased Calum, causing him to blush and look down.

“Yeah, yeah. Next question,” Calum said.

What’s the last text message that you sent?

They both pull out their phones to go to their recent messages.

Luke snorted as he pulled up a meme that he sent in the group. “I can’t explain it, but it’s funny as hell. They just don’t appreciate my humor,” Luke explained.

Calum clicked on the text threads for your conversation. He fought back the tears as he softly spoke, “Mine was to Y/N. I told her that I loved her this morning and wished her luck on her exam.”

Right above that message, he stared at the paragraph he sent a few days ago that you neither responded to or read.

What’s going on with Y/N? She’s been MIA for a while. Is she okay?

Calum clenched his jaw, sulking back into his seat. “Why don’t you fucking ask Ashton?” Calum muttered barely above a whisper.

Luke sharply elbowed him with his lips in a thin line. Calum coughed as he rolled his eyes.

“What did you say, Calum?” the interviewer asked.

Luke cut Calum off. “I think we should just go to the next question. He and Y/N are no longer together, and it’s still an open wound for both of them at the moment,” Luke urged.

The rest of the interview went by somewhat smoothly if you didn’t add Calum’s persistent sour attitude.

As Calum and Luke walked out to their cars, Luke questioned, “What the fuck was that in there, Cal?”

Calum shrugged, walking ahead and not paying much attention to Luke. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I love how you acted as if Y/N did you wrong when we both know you fucked up everything you had with her. You are such a fucking child.”

“You’re one to talk about someone acting like a child when you had to fucking move in with Ashton,” Calum sneered, instantly regretting the words once they came out of his mouth.

They both fell silent as Luke began to back away. “I don’t know what the hell has gotten into you, but you are not the Calum I grew up with. You better find him soon... Don’t talk to me until you do.”

Luke turned around, got in his car, and drove off as Calum stood there rethinking everything he just said.

A few hours after the interview, yours and Ashton’s phones began to blow up with comments about how disgusting the two of you were and how you both should be ashamed.

“Ashton? What the hell did we do?” You questioned as you noticed him reading the comments as well.

He glanced at you, motioning you to come by him. “It has to do with Calum and Luke’s interview. Cal must have said something.”

You notice the article pull up on his phone and you both began to read it.

Breaking News: Y/N and Ashton in Affair Behind Calum’s Back?!

It was brought to our attention that Calum Hood and Y/N Y/L/N broke up. Yes, you read that correctly.

In a live stream interview of Calum Hood and Luke Hemmings, a question came up about his eight month girlfriend (or fling. They never came out as dating in the first place), causing Calum to mumble something under his breath.

What did he mumble? Good question. It was extremely hard to catch the muttered phrase that Luke obviously did not enjoy; but, after some fans rewinded it and turned the volume up, the mic caught what he said perfectly.

“Why don’t you fucking ask Ashton?”

Once publicized, the fans were in disbelief.

Ashton and Y/N were seeing each other behind Calum’s back.

We know, it’s hard to imagine either of them doing this to Calum, but there’s no arguing that Calum is in a bad mood because of the break up.

We hope to hear from Y/N or Ashton about this soon.

Make sure you’re subscribed to stay up to date with all celebrity news!

Ashton looked at you as you huffed in annoyance. “Y/N? What are you thinking?” he questioned.

“I’m going to kick his ass. He has the audacity to call me a cheater?!” your voice began to raise.

Ashton cautiously placed his hand in your shoulder. “Let me talk to him first. Maybe he’s still hurting and he let his emotions get the best of him.”

Ashton’s attempt to give Calum the benefit of the doubt had no affect on you.

“You and I both know he did that on purpose. Stop trying to fucking cover for him.” You grab your jacket and keys, wanting a drink to calm you down. “I’m going to the bar. Don’t wait up.”

Ashton looks at you concerned, “Y/N, it’s 5 PM.”

You give him a dead stare. “I’m going to the bar.”

You turned around and walked out the door.

Ashton grabbed his own keys and headed to Calum’s house to see what was going on with him.

As soon as Calum opened the door, Ashton spoke, “Y/N saw the interview and heard what you said. She also read the article. I hope you’re proud of being the reason she’s heading to the bar right now.”

Calum tilted his head with a grimace spread across his face. “You let her go alone?”

Calum started to grab his keys, but Ashton gripped his arm and said, “I’m going there later, but right now, we need to talk.”

“If you’re just here to tell me how much I screwed up today, then Luke already did that,” Calum informed him.

“There’s no need to tell you that you screwed up because you already knew that before Luke told you that. You didn't just screw up today, Calum. You screwed up two weeks ago when you let her walk out of your door feeling like you didn’t care about her.” Ashton’s voice began to raise. “She’s like a sister to me, and I trusted you to take care of her. I trusted you, Calum. She’s in pain because I let my guard down because I didn’t want to believe that my brother would pass up on an opportunity to be with someone who changed his life.”

“Ashton, I’m sorry. There’s not a moment that I don’t regret about our fight. I could’ve said anything to make her stay, but I was too afraid of being hurt.” Calum looked down in shame.

“You can’t keep letting the past determine your future,” Ashton urged. “Why did you let her walk out?”

“Ash, I don’t want to talk about that night.”

“Why did you let her walk out?” Ashton repeated, getting a step closer to Calum.

“Can you not do this?” Calum back away.

“We both know the real reason. Why won’t you admit it?” Ashton questioned.

“There’s nothing to admit! I was hurting, too, okay? She wasn’t the only one suffering in that fight!” Calum yelled.

“Were you suffering because you love her?” Ashton asked in softer tone than before.

Calum nodded as a stray tear ran down his face. “I let her walk out that door because she wanted to end things. She wanted to leave. Who was I to stop her? I wasn’t making her happy.”

“You have got to stop shutting people out. She’s good for you and vice versa. I know you’re scared of taking that leap of faith, but she’s trying to take it, too. Don’t let her fall to pieces because you’re afraid of the end results. This could be your happy ending.”

•••

Ashton walks into the bar, looking around for you as he made his way through the crowd. His head quickly turned when he hears your voice and sees you in at the end of the bar, talking to the bartender.

Right after the tender hands you a drink, Ashton states, “You can cut her off after this one.”

You scoff and glare at him as you slur, “Don’t listen to him. I’m perfectly fine!” Your crossed your arms as your lips pouted in defiance.

Ashton rolled his eyes as he sat down in the stool next to you. He couldn’t believe how drunk you’d gotten in just an hour of being here. “Y/N, you know drinking isn’t going to fix your problems. It didn’t help when we were on tour, and it definitely isn’t going to help while we’re here.”

You look down at the glass as your heart became heavy from Ashton’s words. “I know that. It just hurts less with whiskey in the system.”

Ashton sighs with a nod, handing his card to the bartender to take care of your tab. “Let’s go home. We can get you sobered up and talk if you want.”

“I don’t want to go home. I just want to drown in my sorrows while I accept the fact that Calum hates me. Why did I fall for him? Out of all your friends, I fell for the one with commitment issues. Maybe I’m not meant to be in love,” you sniffled.

Ashton’s heart broke for you once those words left your mouth. You’d always been like a sister to him and he hated to see you in such a state that he had no way of helping.

Ashton placed a gentle hand on your arm, urging you to get up. “We can talk more at the house. I don’t think you should be here, especially when it’s only six.”

You shrugged his arm off of you. “I don’t want to go home, Ash, because everytime I think of home, I think of Calum. Then, I get to thinking of our argument and if I was just being bitchy because he didn’t want what I wanted out of the relationship. Then I realized that I love him and how I never got to tell him because I was too busy trying not to get played again; yet, somehow, I still end up being the one that’s hurting. I should have never agreed to be with him without a label.”

Ashton ran a hand through his hair, contemplating on how he should respond.

He always knew that you truly liked Calum, but it never crossed his mind that after a few short months of being with Calum, you would be in love with him.

“Look, I get that you’re hurting. I know that you feel as if he never truly cared for you, and it was just a game. I can’t give you the answers you need but neither can this bar, so please, let’s get you sober at my house,” he begged.

You agreed as he lead you out of the bar. He helped you into his car and buckled you in as you asked, “What about my car?”

“Do you want to leave it here overnight? Or do you want someone to come get it?” he questioned.

“Can you get someone to get it?”

“Of course, I can. I’ll just have to stop by their house to give them the keys before we head home,” he softly smiled at you, closing the passenger door.

The drive consisted of you singing along to almost every song that came on.

You became quiet when you noticed Ashton pull into Calum’s driveway. “Why are we here?” you quietly spoke.

“He’s the only person free to get your car. We’ll be gone in five minutes. You don’t even have to get out of the car,” he reassured you as he got out and jogged to Calum’s door.

You softly hummed the songs to yourself as you fiddled with your fingers, waiting for Ashton to come back.

After a few minutes, Ashton got back into the car and the drive to his house was quiet.

He helped you inside, letting you crash in his bed as he decided to take the couch for the night.

Ashton plopped into the couch with a sigh, turning on the T.V. as he waited for Calum to show up with your keys.

He let his mind drift into your predicament with Calum. He never should have let you get close to Calum. He knew how Calum could get when things were actually getting serious for a change.

Ashton couldn’t help the gut feeling that your pain was his fault because he didn’t warn you of the walls Calum had built. Maybe if he would have talked to you, you wouldn’t be a drunk mess way too early in the evening.

There was a faint knock on the door, breaking Ashton from his thoughts. He opened it and grabbed the keys from Calum with a soft thanks before closing the door.

Calum placed his hand on it and poked his head back in and asked, “Is she okay?”

Ashton looked at him with tired eyes. “She’s all over the place, Calum. If you talk to her-- without yelling-- tomorrow, please don’t say anything you’ll regret. Just tell her the truth.”

“I don’t know what the truth is, Ashton,” Calum confessed.

“Tell her what you told me and mean it. I’ll talk to you later.”

Ashton sat your keys on the kitchen counter before laying on the couch and falling asleep.

{two}

~~~

tags: @meganwinchester1999 @gigglyirwin @cashton-queen @suburbanaesthetics @fayesfairylights @harvardhemmings@lukescherrypie @cocktail-calum @darthrogers @hopelessxcynic @lmao5sosimagines @calumamongmen @alotof1dlove @therainydays4 @charismaticcal @youngblood199456 @uncrowned-cal @bumblebet2 @sincerelycalum @5saucewho @ziamsbian @romanticalumhood @crownedbycalum @5secondssofssummer@calumhoodslays @valentine-in-my-quinjet@hugs2forever @abitmorepersonall @lovely-melissaaaa @adcrjngs@babylon-uncrowned @itjustkindahappenedreally@claredolphinbear24 @norawashere @calumsphile @abitloudforanaccousticset @tswizzlemyfizzle @rosesfromcth @jpgluke @mycollectionofnuts @abrantesaurus @calumsphile @rosecoloredash @CassidyGhost @Lyndsey3177 @bodaciousidiot@freckleslikeflowers @exoticcal@clum-thomas @satan-i-guess @bby-lu @empathycth @you-of-ghost@lustingforwonder @ohhmuke@calssunflower @calumismyprince @wewanthood @moonlightgodcalum @marvelfan8 @hotcherrycth @sunnysideblogs @mysteriouslycali @1dthewantedlove @jetblackyoungblood @calteehood @softboycal @larryologymajor @all-i-want-is2b-loved-by-you @5sosfanficrec @therealmrshale @caswinchester2000 @fallfrxmgrace @damselindistressanu

#calum hood #calum hood x reader #5sos #5 seconds of summer #calum hood x you #calum 5 seconds of summer #ty masterfind

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imagine-organization-xiii · 5 years

Note

Can I request a short drabble or hc’s for Xemnas and his so getting intimate after an heated argument?

This one was seriously long overdue and it ended up being a double effort between myself and NoPantsSaturday!

You can find this pic posted on AO3 HERE.

Xemnas

The two of you don’t happen to argue often, but when you do, it’s usually a drag-out, knock-down fight where someone is probably going to end up injured or bruised. You get passionate easily and Xemnas is stern and unyielding, so it’s literally you as an unstoppable force trying to move Xemnas, the immovable object.

Usually, you manage to hold your tongue when he does something you don’t like, especially around the other organization members. He doesn’t like it when his authority is questioned and you trust him enough not to question him on certain decisions, but… sometimes you just can’t keep your mouth shut because he’s being so damn stupid and -

In retrospect, you really shouldn’t have called him out or corrected him right in the middle of a meeting with everyone having a front row seat to the action, but you couldn’t resist. There was something about his tone, about the way he carelessly agreed to something that would certainly be a suicide mission for those involved, and you just couldn’t stop yourself from saying that it was an extremely bad idea.

You really don’t remember the finer points of your public argument, but you do remember the dangerous flash behind his eyes and the small clench of his jaw that said he was certainly not pleased. He was calm, absolutely calm throughout the rest of the meeting, but you could feel his eyes occasionally burning holes into the side of your head.

The door to your bedroom slammed against the wall, sounding almost like a bomb had gone off in the silent room. His cloak whipped around near his calves and outraged sparks were practically flowing off of him in waves. It felt as if the room shook when he shut the door behind him. “I suppose you think that you’re particularly intelligent.”

You barely even flinched when he strode into the room because you had been expecting him. You didn’t even bother to turn your gaze to him, continuing to brush through your damp, knotted hair as he hovered somewhere behind you. “You know, most people knock before entering someone else’s room.”

“I am certainly not most people,” he said with a sneer. “I am the Superior. Your Superior.”

You hated it when he pulled rank on you, and the way he looked down on you just made your insides boil. It made you feel like less of his equal and more like you were just another pawn to him. In some ways, you suppose that you were just a pawn, but you weren’t quite sure if you felt more hurt or resigned to that fact. In a rush of emotion, you jumped to your feet from where you were sitting and walked up to Xemnas, staring into his deep amber eyes.

You could feel the fire spark in your gaze as you studied him, unflinchingly. “Tell me,” you said, looking up with a blank, bored look on your face. “Since you’re so determined to assert your dominance, would you like me to bow down and kiss your ass?”

Something dangerous sparked behind his eyes, something that made chills start at the base of your spine and moved all the way up your body. It was as if the air in the room changed entirely. What was once an air filled with anger and frustration quickly turned to one of a tension of a different variety. It was terrifying, but his stare also pierced you in a way you couldn’t quite place. Xemnas reached a hand up to the back of your neck and with one swift movement, forced you to your knees in front of him.

The hand on your neck then slid upwards, winding itself into the locks of your hair before gripping it tightly with a swift tug, pulling your head back. You let out a soft gasp in surprise and Xemnas bent down to you, dragged his lips up against your neck to your sensitive ear and whispered, each word dripping with lust, “No, but I think I would like you on your knees.”

The words traveled through your body like lightning straight to your gut. When Xemnas spoke like that, it made your whole body weak. You wanted to be mad, you wanted to argue, but when you tried to speak, all that came from your lips was a weak moan. He had you and he knew it. You felt him grin against the tender flesh of your neck before he dragged his teeth along your skin, earning another shudder from you, and taking your earlobe between his teeth.

“It’s time for you to be punished for your behavior today,” he whispered, his voice like deep, rich, liquid chocolate. Your breath was shaky. He was toying with you and you wanted more, but before he could provide it, he pulled away, standing again at his full height and leaving you at eye-level to the growing bulge under his coat.

You knew your task before he even said a word. You leaned forward slowly and undid the closures of his pants before pulling them down enough to expose his already hard cock, precum leaking from the tip, and earning a groan from the superior. You quickly lick the tip of his hardened length, lapping up his juices before pulling away, and causing Xemnas to let out another noise of satisfaction. Or was it frustration? Hmmm Interesting. That frustration gave you a brilliant idea.

With a sudden burst of confidence, and a cocky grin, you move in again, mouth agape, as if you were about to swallow him whole, but as the superior leaned his head back and closed his eyes in anticipation, you stop and merely place a kiss on the tip of his cock before kissing down his length. Slowly. Xemnas let out another frustrated grumble and you can’t help but grin. “What is it, my love?” you ask, smirking at him from your position on your knees with just a hint of pride. “Is there something that you need?”

“Hmm… Cheeky,” the Superior replied, bemused, as he brought a hand down to the side of your face and gently caressed your cheek. Not the reaction you expected. But quickly the hand to your cheek slid upwards and tangled itself in your hair and tugged you upwards, causing you to rise to your feet and to let out a loud groan. The hand tangled in your hair then moved to the back of your head and eased you close enough to his body so that he could snake his free hand around your waist and pull you into a rough embrace and crashed his lips into yours. The kiss was messy; demanding.

When he finally let you pull away you were breathless, and before you could make another move, both of his hands were harshly gripped at your waist as the Superior swiftly lifted you and threw you over his shoulder. He only took a few steps before throwing you down on the bed with a harsh thump.

You weren’t in the mood to waste time and it appeared that neither was he. Before he could make another move, you grabbed him by the shoulders and used as much strength as you could muster to swing him around, slamming him down onto the mattress so that you hovered above him, smiling triumphantly. “You’re being too slow.” But upon looking down at your lover, you could see that this was clearly not a game. your victory was short lived as the Superior quickly hooked his legs around your own and reversed your positions once more.

Yet he didn’t stop there. “Since you don’t seem to want to behave yourself,” he muttered. “I’ll make you behave.” You resisted the urge to squeak in surprise when he forcibly flipped you onto your belly, using his nearly impossible strength to lock his fingertips around your two wrists and hold them above your head. You swung your head around, hair flopping into your face, as you tried to catch a glimpse of him and ask him what, exactly, he thought he was doing, but he stayed nearly out of sight.

You could only see a partial view of his abdomen and a growing shadow as he leaned forward to whisper in your ear. “I think that it is far past time for you to learn a little something about respect, my pet. And that you learn acting out like this under me will not be tolerated.”

You blew a bit of hair out of your mouth and squirmed, trying to see how much room you had to maneuver your body into a more pleasurable position. You sighed, shifting backwards against him pointedly. “Seems like being under you isn’t exactly the problem here, is it, Darling?” you cooed, your sarcastic tone taunting him further.

He grabbed a chunk of your hair and forced your head down into the pillow, leaving you just a small amount of room to breathe. As you squirmed, he leaned down again, and whispered against your ear. “You speak out again, I will make you regret ever trifling with the likes of me.” He was grinning, you could feel it. It was a grin of assured victory; one that made the anger from before start to bubble in the pit of your chest. He was such a bastard. Without another word, he pulled your open coat off you from behind with his free hand. “Though I have to wonder… what is it that could have encouraged you to be so brazen?”

You muttered something less than kind, but your words were muffled into the pillow. He allowed you to lift your head so he could hear you speak, and you said the one sentence he would never want to hear from you. “I’ve been taking lessons from Xigbar. You know, just some one-on-one alone time kind of lessons,” you smirk.

There was a stony pause as he took in the double entendre and a sound almost like a growl escaped from within his chest. Without warning, the flat of his palm slammed down directly into your ass, echoing a loud smack around the room. You yelped, instinctively flinching away from him in surprise, but he held you firmly in place. The stinging pain lingers on your rear as the man above you lifted his hand again.

“Say that again. I dare you,” he snarled. It hurt him to know you were spending any time at all with the mischievous Xigbar. Xemnas didn’t trust him, and you knew it was one of the few buttons he had.

So, naturally, you spoke again. “I. Learned It. From. Xigbar.” You repeated, making sure to enunciate every syllable as you spoke. But as soon as you finished the last word, the Superior’s hand came down to your rump again, this hit harder than the first.

“Wrong Answer,” he stated, cooly. Before you could respond, you felt your body being manhandled, flipped over as Xemnas pushed your back into the bed with a hand at your collarbone. He put a weight into your chest before it slowly moved its way up your neck, fingers trailing up the muscles and tendons under your skin. He did not block your airflow but still gave himself a firm hold on your throat. Using the leverage at your neck, the Xemnas tilted your head up to face him and leaned in until his lips were inches from your own, the anger in his amber eyes piercing through you.

“Do you think saying such trivial things will upset me? You are nothing to me. A plaything. Do you understand?” He growled, never looking away from your eyes. He was saying these things to upset you, but you knew better.

“Oh is that so?” you smirked, locking your eyes with his and refusing to pull away. “If that’s the case and I do mean nothing to you... Then why do you get so upset when I say that I have been spending time alone with another man, hmm?” you taunt him, refusing to submit.

“Enough!” He snarled, closing his eyes and crashing his lips into yours. “You are mine. That is all you needn’t concern yourself with. And I am going to remind you of exactly who you belong to.”

He reached down to your bedside table and opened the top drawer, before pulling out a long black piece of fabric and after reaching up, tied your wrists together and to the bedpost. “There. Much better,” he grinned in a way that almost seemed cruel. You squirmed in your restraints, but to no avail. The son of a bitch knew how to tie a knot.

He placed his hands on the tied piece of fabric and slowly trailed one down each of your arms, down your neck, and chest, his fingertips lightly trailing down your body until he reached the hem of your pants. With deft precision, he quickly undid the top buttons of your black pants and pulled down, allowing them to drop on the floor and leaving you only in your t shirt and panties. Coming back up again, the Superior hooked a finger beneath the waistband of your underwear and yanked them down as well, exposing you to him.

“Mmmm...” Xemnas hummed in approval as he returned again, his hands coming up to your waist before snaking under your shirt and bra to roughly fondle the flesh beneath them. His hands were coarse and covered in calluses, leaving goosebumps along your skin.

You didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a reaction from you, but as his thumb grazed over your pert nipple for just a second, the small motion was enough for you to let out a soft gasp. As soon as the sound leaves your lips, you take in a quick breath, almost wishing that you could take it back. But of course, he heard you. The sickening expression that was on his face was enough to tell. In that moment you wished you could just slap the grin off his face.

“Hm? What was that? A reaction to this perhaps?” As he spoke, he swiped the pad of his thumb over your nipple again, slower this time, which caused you to gasp again against your own desires to stay quiet. The superior then took this gasp as an opportunity, and continued the motion of his thumb in small circles, and with each swipe you could feel your growing arousal. His hand retreated sooner than you expected and you let out a small sound of irritation as repositioned himself, placed a hand on each of your thighs, and spread them open with minimal effort.

“That is enough of the games…” He purred, gleaming up at your from between your legs.

“This doesn’t seem like much of a punishment,” you sneered sarcastically. As you spoke, a nip to your inner thigh from Xemnas causes you to let out a yelp in surprise.

“Oh you’ll see.” is all he said before diving in between your wet folds, his lips and tongue caressing you in ways that made you unable to hold back the moans any longer. He was smooth, his tongue moved in ways your body couldn’t even imagine, at a quickening pace. It wasn’t long before you could feel the coil of pressure building somewhere in your lower abdomen. Another low groan escaped your lips before you could bite it back, hands straining in an attempt to free themselves of their restraints, eager to touch his skin, claw at his back, or wind your fingers through his hair.your loins.

The tight coil inside of you quickly burst as you felt the intensity of your orgasm overtake you, but you didn’t have time to enjoy the sensation for as soon as you came, Xemnas went right back in, sucking and moving at the same high pace as he had before. You let out a groan as he continued his ministrations and your insanely sensitive nerves brought you to a second peak much sooner than you expected.

“I -” You gasped out as you get close to your second orgasm. “S-Stop… No more...” But as you plead, the man simply chuckled and returned again, an air of smugness seeping from your every pore as you arched your back against him, feet digging into the mattress. Again you groan out, the sensitive endings screaming out in a mix of pain and pleasure. You can’t take it. Not another. No. “Please!… Pl-pL -” You cry out as he goes in again, taunting your flesh at the threat of another orgasm so soon. But as soon as the word leaves your lips, he stops, and slowly rose from between your thighs with a smirk.

“There… now that wasn’t so hard to ask, was it?” He cooed, wiping his face clean with the back of his forearm before getting closer to you, giving you the first opportunity to see his fully nude body. He made you so angry, and the fact that he looked so composed infuriated you to no end. “I think you can receive a small reward now. For being good and learning your lesson…”

You look up at him, still laying out on the bed, shaking, and tied to the posts. You wanted to say something back, Something to get that sickening smirk off of his face, but when you tried to speak, words wouldn’t come. You could barely move; you could barely think. Despite your exhaustion, as he moved to cover your body with his own, you knew that he wasn’t even close to being done with you.

#lemons #organization xiii #organization xiii imagines #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts imagine #kh xemnas #xemnas #xemnas imagine

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enevi · 5 years

Text

Shirogane no Oka, Kuro no Tsuki - Volume Three

Welcome back to Hakkei Palace where winter reigns and living ghosts grow in numbers, whereas in Bun Province the chilling wind blows away the last vestiges of hope... Or does it? With the winter descending upon the capital city of Kouki disquiet comes over the residents of kirin household. The feeling of both mental and physical unease grows among the servants as Heichuu and Tokuyuu (along with Juntatsu, one of the two Bun'en's assistants delegated to take care of Taiki) are becoming more and more distant in both metaphorical and literal sense, the former being suddenly transferred to the Inner Palace and the latter simply disappearing from his room just the other day. Kouryou is also one of the affected ones with perpetual headache and exhaustion making his doubts going into overdrive. He also really doesn't like the fact that Keitou was nominated as the deputy governor and Taiki not speaking his mind doesn't help the situation. As if sensing all this Taiki takes Kouryou for a walk around the garden. The day is cold so it's unlikely that their talk will be overheard by someone uninvited, but just in case they leave Yari to watch for any possible eavesdroppers. Like Shouwa for example, who is spying for one of the ministers, Risshou and whom others already suspect as she's not really good at that as opposed to her actual job as a caretaker. They take their seats in the garden pavilion by the little waterfall and the long and heartful conversation starts. Kouryou voices his doubts about Keitou's appointment and as Taiki explains about his decision, he finally agrees, that indeed, there was no other choice as the rest of the courtiers are either uncooperative or incompetent. Or both at once, like previous deputy Shison who was not only dismissed but also place in the house arrest by the Minister of Fall. As Kouryou thinks that is all, the Taiki, as if knowing that this talk is long overdue, finally opens up to somebody. He shares his doubts and Kouryou's not only surprised but also shocked that at the very beginning even Risai was under Taiki's suspicion as he had no way to know if it really were the general's genuine efforts and wishes that brought him back home. Or maybe it was Asen plan all along? Maybe he had known something about Taiki's worsening condition in Hourai and wanted him alive so he used Risai and Taiki's relationship as a guise to get other kingdoms to the work for him? Taiki had no way to be sure, but still had to take that leap of faith and if by any chance it turned out that Risai was really working for Asen, then well… It would have been that both Gyouso and Taiki were basically screwed (his words, not mine). Fortunately, it all turned out well and as Risai did not pursue Taiki after his sudden disappearance with Kouryou, kirin could take one big sigh of relief and finally start trusting his companions. Kouryou included. Especially in Hakkei Palace, where almost everyone has to be seen as their enemy, for it's really easy to trust the wrong person and consequently fail, as far as their mission is concerned. As of now Taiki trusts no one apart from Kouryou. And with more and more people disappearing it's difficult in the long term to find someone useful and trustworthy. Also as so many years have passed, they had no way to know anything about Gyousou's whereabouts. In case he was kept somewhere in the palace, someone had to get in and investigate. And who better than Taiki himself whom others couldn't really harm, if they wanted to keep the throne empty, for if they lose their kirin, the fate of kingdom goes back into Tentei's own hands and all that's left for the subjects to do, is to wait for the new kirin to be born and king to be chosen when the former matures enough to do it. What's more, the lie about the new ruler would also serve the purpose of taking the Court's eyes from Risai's search. As it all depends on kirin's instincts and sensing the king's aura, no one can verify the truth before the factual ceremony of ascension takes place. And it is known that kirins can't escape their nature and no say in the choosing, they also aren't likely to lie about it (or something like that…). Nevertheless, Taiki does acknowledges the fact that he really underestimated the whole situation and did not expect it to be so complicated. Thus, the current troubles. Kirin is also quietly surprised at Kouryou confessing his doubts about the 'New King' lie, and apologize for to reassuring him earlier, for there was no occasion for them to speak openly as there was always some else around. He also says that his gaze often strays, but not toward the Inner Palace, but toward the north. And that’s where Risai is and presumably Gyousou, too… At the same time, as someone constantly interferes with his plans, he's intending to pay Asen a surprise visit. The faster, the better - like tonight, for example. Of course, Kouryou doesn't want to hear about Taiki going alone, but then is seemingly convinced that going together is no the best idea, as there is no law about kirin being forbidden from going to any part of the Royal Palace (King's private quarters included, whereas Kouryou being a simple bodyguard wouldn't go unpunished, if found. And as the access to Inner Palace, where Asen resides, is heavily restricted and as (thanks to Seirai telling him in the past) Taiki does know how to use the secret shortcuts, it’s better for him to go alone… So as Taiki sneaks out his mansion under the cover of the night, it’s no surprise that Kouryou actually plans to follow him, but at the last moment is stopped by Yari, who tells him that she is more suited to do it as she did it a few times before and was never caught. He agrees and it ends up with Yari shadowing their willful kirin. As she goes after him she can't help but compare his current personality with the stories she heard from Ganchou. Stories about kind-hearted, innocent and intelligent child full of curiosity and respect for his surroundings. On the other hand, the grown up version is overly cautious, distrustful to the point of being paranoid, secretive and calculating. Also prone to scheme and telling a lot of lies. Far from typical kirins, to be sure. And so much more interesting. As she sees one of the marionette-like servants watching she also hears a suspicious a dove-like sound. And discovers a beast perched just beneath the building rooftop, jisen - a bird-like youma that has the power to suck out people's souls out of their bodies. Yari did suspect that something like this could be responsible for the state of the palace servants and clearly disturbed she quickly runs after Taiki. To Taiki's surpise he finally does find Asen, but not in the main part of the Inner Palace, but (quiet incidentally, to tell the truth) in one of the inconspicuous building in the eastern palace. In the dimly-lit room Taiki watches him seating all alone and humming the certain well known song about the gruesome and sad fate of the foot soldier, and wondering if this is the perfect reflection of Asen's unwillingness to take up the mantle of leader. The man himself is fairly surprised to see Taiki in such a place, but quickly recovers and becomes his normal distant and sarcastic self. For a moment they talk, but as Taiki points out that he doesn't think that Asen rebelled against Gyousou purely out of envy and spite, Asen quickly cuts him off and asks what is he really doing here. To that Taiki says that he wants Asen to step up and actually rule the country, for its citizens need the government help to survive the winter and to restore at least some of the court's basic functions. He also requests for Seirai to be released and returned to his side, but fed up with his advisor's audacity Asen summons his guard to transport Taiki back to his quarters and says that nothing can resume without the documents that Seirai supposedly stole. As kirin is brought back to his mansion, enraged Chouun barges in demanding the explanation and for Taiki not to do anything without consulting him beforehand. They get into a serious argument and everyone suspects that from this moment the slighted minister will be openly hostile toward already hated Taiki who in turn is absolutely calm and shrugs it off. As does Asen throwing out the letter from Chouun in which the minister demands him to take a clear actions against Saiho. At the same time he notices that another one of his puppet has just become useless and needs to be dealt with. For they are quiet easy to make but much more difficult to keep usable for the long time. They may have the right spells to somehow weaken the symptoms of jisen-induced 'illness', it still spreads, albeit much slower, though it transforms infected person into a living corpse that can be easily manipulated. Just a moment later Rousan invites herself in and while they have a 'friendly' chat about this and that, Asen starts reminiscing about his rivalry with Gyousou and how it brought upon his fall from grace. How it all began and how became a living hell for Asen himself when quiet friendly rivalry changed into desperate race to outspeed his shadow. For people said they were so much alike, started comparing them and finally came to conclusion that Asen was Gyousou's shadow and not the other way around. And then when after disobeying the king's orders Gyousou resigned from his post and went away, Asen came to realize that their rivalry might had been strictly one-sided and that all his excitement and respect were never reciprocated in the first place. That to Gyousou he had never been a challenge he'd look forward to. It hurt, but so be it, his nemesis left the royal courts and would just be forgotten with Asen's humiliation and hate. But to no avail, for the king himself demanded Gyousou's return and the man did come back eventually. And it just deepened Asen's already deeply-rooted hatred for the man. But he did manage to keep a lid on his emotions, to stop them from overflowing. Then Gyousou was named a new king and all Asen could do was to curse his fear of getting this ultimate confirmation of Gyousou's superiority. But then he had a talk with Rousan who told him that it wasn't really preordained that it was Gyousou who was supposed to be king. As kirin is the creature of instinct and could only sense the aura of the person not their exact personality and as Asen and Gyosou were so much alike, then who knows. Maybe if Asen had decided to climb the Mt. Hou at the same time as his rival, then maybe just maybe he would had been chosen. That gave Asen some ideas and while he was sure that Rousan might had just been feeding up his delusions for her own purposes he could stop thinking what if. Now, in the hindsight, Asen thinks, it might had been because Rousan, who counted herself among the most trusted of Gyousou's people, started to hate kirin for taking her place as the side of her liege. Not that Rousan confirms his suspicions. Instead she tells him that even though she has deeper feelings for their lord, her curiosity and the need to know everything about the relationship between rulers and the Heaven trump it all. And as no one would give her this knowledge on the platter, she had to find for herself… She also tells Asen to follow Taiki's advice and start ruling, because Heaven might become impatient and take back Its hard-won blessing before he realizes it's too late. In the meantime humiliated and outraged Chouun who was ignored by his liege one time too many, proceeds to make Taiki's life even more difficult and appoints previously dismissed Shison as the minister directly responsible for Saiho's well-being. Everything to make him regret going against the Prime Minister and getting rid of a troublesome subordinate at the same time. For if Shison does unwittingly interfere with Taiki's plan out of misguided feeling of obligation to Chouun for 'saving' him, he will be punished for his mistakes and no one will connect his actions with chousai himself. As Chouun trashes his own office in the fit of rage, his assistant, Ansaku, quietly observes while making the plans of his own…

*** Meanwhile in Rin'u Risai withdraws from the investigation and spends all her time in temple stables seeking consolation by Hi'en's side. But then Kenchuu brings invitation from the Sekirin Temple head priest herself and Risai knows she can't reject it because the monastery is normally closed for common people. There they're welcomed by the leader, elder woman named Mokuu, and by her side they see a few residents from Rouan. Among them is the village elder and the boy Risai and the others met by the grave of the unnamed soldier. As it turns out, not long after the group left Rouan, Kaisei left for the Temple to report the villagers' alleged crime and as they went after him to and also made it to Sekirin, Mokuu thought it wise to invite other people involved. So the chief deputy the proceeds to explain everything. About half year after King's disappearance the residents of Rouan did indeed find a wounded soldier, who eventually turned out to be one of Gyousou's supporters but at that time every city and village guilty of harboring the fugitives was burned to the ground, so they had to keep quiet about it. The years went by, but the man never fully recovered as he recklessly forced his body to get better and repeatedly fell ill. At the end, when his condition started to worsen rapidly he lied to Kaisei and refused to take the medicine because it was too expensive, so his caretakers had no choice but to secretly put it into his meals and the boy mistook it for the poison. As the soldier died in the end and not long after that the two deserters made it to Rouan and described Gyousou's appearance they then came up with the story that if any of the kings supporters came to search for him they would tell that it most probalby had been him. On the other hand, if the followers of newly elected king suddenly arrived, they were to tell them, that there had not seen anyone suspicious. Everything to protect themselves from eventual accusations. And while Seishi's furious, Risai says that she does understand their way of thinking and doesn't hold the lie against them, emphasizing how it is the sages' duty to think about the king, country and its people and that there's nothing strange with commoners prioritizing their own survival. Then Mokuu reveals that there's something really suspicious about the announcement of Asen's ascension, because her usual informant (the one separate from her 'spy' network) sent her the message. She doesn't know who this person is, but their predictions and warnings always come true and the bird used to deliver those letters is an expensive and very rare one that someone can't simply buy as it's mainly by the courtiers. Therefore, there is still hope for Gyousou's followers. When Mokuu withdraws to her quarters and the people from Rouan leave, Risai is then approached by the woman (named Shunsui) she rescued from the bandits not so long ago. As it turns out, both she and Kenchuu belong to the group that survived the purge of Tetsui, that right after the uprising started searching for Gyousou's whereabouts in the vicinity of Mt. Kan'you after the attack on him and the cave-in that happened not long after the incident. And as gathering so much people would have only encourage unwanted suspicion, they went to Sekirin for help and under the guise continued their investigation. And it still continues as Tetsui citizens will never forget or abandon their savior. Unfortunately they haven't found any trace. To that Risai answer that if Gyousou knew, he would be grateful for the effort itself. On they way back to their base, the group discusses the need to move somewhere else, as they already have too many suspicions eyes looking their way. Risai takes Hi'en and flies to the city of Sokou, where Kyuusan resides. When there she asks him for help and he agrees to provide them a new safehouse in Seisai where no one will bother them. As they prepare to leave Rin'u, Kiitsu unexpectedly visits them. The frail woman accompanying him turns out to be the reason why the local Temple wasn't so eager to help them. Just around the time of Gyousou's disappearance woman was one of the refugees illegally going in and out of the Kan'you mine and one day witnessed something she and her friends weren't suppose to see. Sometime before the attack on the king the unknown soldiers had brought two suspiciously looking and gigantic wooden boxes into the mine. And the things inside were moving and causing the soldiers some distress. Not long after that the cave-in happened. The cave-in preceded by something that sounded like an unearthly howl of some kind of beast. Then some of the surviving soldiers came out running and saw the refugees. The unwanted witnesses had to be dealt with and the woman was the only survivor... When Kiitsu takes the woman back to the hiding place, Risai and Seishi shadows them as it seems that the men that followed the group back from Houyou's mansion still haven't left. They corner the men and after some questioning learned that Risai and her companions where suspected of trafficking the refugees since it's happening all over the province. People are being taken to the city capital by force to increase the number of the soldiers in the capital. And as they get no real training they are meant to be a cannon fodder during the eventual war. When they finally talks things through the men ask for some time to contact Houyou and promise to go back. *** In the meantime the capital city of Kouki is the witness to the personal tragedy of newly appointed Shison who no matter how hard he tries, can't seem to please kirin he's supposed to care for. For Taiki does not appreciate any of his gifts and stops any kind of Shison's initiative to make Saiho's mansion more livable place… As annoying as the whole situation is, Taiki can't just shut him out since it would probably result is Shison wailing and prostrating himself in front of the main gate. But even this whole performance can't distract Taiki from his plans to sneak out again. This time to investigate the heavily-guarded place around the gate leading to the eastern part of the Inner Palace. As they finish discussing their plan and go back to the mansion they're met with very displeased and agitated Juntatsu who begs Taiki to give him any kind of explanation, since he's not very keen on getting punished for the things he has no knowledge about. And with Heichuu and Shouwa mysteriously disappearing he's just too afraid and confused. As Taiki hesitates Yari assures him that it's ok to trust Juntasu as she got rid of every jisen in the mansion. Then they learn the truth about the beast's effect on people and how Yari suspects that even if Asen somehow got his hands on them, he couldn't and still can't fully control them and that results with random people becoming puppets and to hide this fact, Asen just has no other way but to make them his direct subordinates. Such a great number of infected people clustered in one place also results in the appearance of the miasma that pulls in even more beasts. And so the situation is gradually becoming worse and worse. As Yari and Kouryou leave Taiki for the meantime, they talk about the whole situation and how it's impossible to bring back some of the already infected people. The girl also explains that it was most probably Rousan who helped Asen, as she, just like Yari herself, comes form the tribe of people living out there in the Yellow Sea and undoubtedly knows a big deal about youma and their habits. Yari also makes Kouryou aware that the morality of the people living in the wasteland of Mt. Hou is so much different than that of normal kingdom's subject. Meaning they feel no special kind of obligation or loyalty toward king or their kirin and Yari herself decided to serve Taiki because she thought him interesting enough to follow. And so once again Taiki and his guards leave the mansion under the cover of the night, this time using the system of underground tunnels which Yari knows pretty well. On the way to the eastern palace the three of them get their hand on some weapons, as it is certain that they will meet some guards. As Yari and Kouryou engage in battle with the soldiers Taiki is force to seek the place alone and finally comes upon the prison cells and one of turns of to hold kirin's long-lost governess, Seirai, who was charged with stealing country registers and consequently imprisoned and tortured for information. But the cell is closed and there is no key in sight. Taiki spies the guard probably holding it and desperately tries to convince himself that he will be able to kill if necessary. He already did… Even if it was him just desperately trying to find his place in that other world, for there was that one and only person who made him feel safe and welcomed… He's also different than any other kirin and was never truly conditioned to abhor violence and blood like the others of his kind. After all, kirins do kill, just not by themselves. They use their servant beast to protect themselves or others close to them and the same time avoid dirtying their own hands. Nonetheless, it's still a murder. So killing someone directly shouldn't be that much different, in the first place… As Taiki proceeds with his plan and almost finishes of the guard, Kouryou and Yari come to his aid and he's spared from having to do the killing, but at the same time Kouryou criticizes him for hesitating, because the man would have died anyway, as he failed to stop the intruders and that usually means getting executed. And while freak-out Taiki tries to process it all, they have no time to spare, therefore he has to go see the prisoner. Then he's literally brought to tears when he sees the state Seirai is in. But malnourished, dirty and repeatedly tortured woman is strong and her spirit has not been broken. She's so happy to see her lord all grown up and well… She's also eager to share the information she possesses. Information which Asen's interrogators haven't been able to get out of her for the last seven years. She urges them to send someone to Ba Province, as that's where General Eishou's retainers hide. Taiki's desperate to get her out but Seirai understands that it's not possible, because if they did, Asen would know it was them. So Kouryou and Yari have no choice but drag their grieving charge back the way they came from. But as they make their escape, it occurs to them that if someone is suppose to get out of the Palace it has to be now, because later there'll probably be no way out. As Yari assures Kouryou that she will take care of Taiki, the man himself hesitates but his master urges him to go as it is the easiest way to actually get to contact Eishou with Kouryou being one of his former officers. So Kouryou leaves them and makes his way to Ganchou who'll help him get out of Kouki. Meanwhile Taiki and Yari go back safely to the mansion and the girl's wondering how the whole situation will turn out as they most certainly be questioned about tonight's happenings and the only person to save them from direct accusations is Taiki himself. Next day around noon, they are visited by Keitou and the one accompanying him is Shukuyou - the Minister of Summer. As they politely make their enquiries, Taiki calmly answers, that yes, he's aware of his guard disappearing and was just commence a search as lately Kouryou seemed quiet unwell and as Heichuu and Shouwa went and disappeared, Taiki suspects that the same thing must have happened to Kouryou and is really worried about him. After obtaining no useful information, Keitou and Shukuyou are readying to leave, when suddenly Asen shows up after clearly having taken a walk along the secret passage hidden in the gardens. Taiki calmly welcomes his king and urges him to take a seat and while at first they talk rather normally, Asen finally snaps. He grabs kirin and brutally throws him to the floor demanding Taiki to pledge himself to the King here and now. When Juntatsu tries to intervene he's stopped and as Keitou move in front of him to defend the servant from Asen's wrath, Taiki simply bows and swears an oath to his New King… And then kirin is swallowed by darkness. It hurts, hurts so much. Like his head is about explode. But he can make it. He has to, for so many were suffering when he killed them and he has no right to complain. No, it doesn't hurt at all… As the pain finally stops and Asen's leaving, Juntatsu kneeling over Taiki notices the blood in kirin's eyes. And still, it’s nothing, for his body was made by the Heaven itself and really, it doesn't hurt at all. As Gogetsu and Boushuku were lately transferred to guard the entrance to Taiki's mansion, they are equally confused as they are happy when they see Asen coming out. Especially the latter as that's the first time he actually sees his Kings with he own eyes. Gogetsu goes to escort his liege back to the Inner Palace and has a short conversation with him, during which he notices that Asen seems strangely dazed and clearly disturbed by something… After Asen goes back to his quarters, Rousan invited herself to accompany him and together they talk about what happened. The minister is surprised and somehow disappointed that Heaven actually seems to approve of Asen, but at the same time she doesn't hide her displeasure about Asen actually flying into rage after someone uncovered his shameful secret. The secret being imprisoned Seirai, who still successfully resists Asen's interrogations. So frustrated and furious Asen had to take it out on somebody and found his target in Taiki. Strangely enough it doesn't make Asen like Rousan any less, as she's the only honest person around and he really appreciates that. Thinking back Asen wonders about how his initial plan failed. How even if he never planned to kill Gyousou in the first place, how actually close it came to it, when the man entrusted with the mission to imprison the king went one step too far. How for all this time Asen's had no idea about what's was about to happen. Because he had to separate the king from his kirin and with Taiki by his side, horn sealed and unable to locate Gyousou, he was supposed get the support of the ministers. But Gyousou had disappeared somewhere below the pile of stones and Taiki was swept by meishoku to the other world… How close it came to utter failure… Fortunately for Asen both Gyousou and Taiki somehow made it and where nowhere to be found. But it still didn't give Asen the sense of peace he'd longed for. There was no escape from Gyousou as he became the shadow sitting on the throne of the rightful king. He had to go and make it so all of the evidence of Gyousou's existence were destroyed. So he mercilessly hunted down the king's supporters… And still it didn't make him feel good enough… As Asen bitterly laughs and points out that Gyousou would laughed, if he was here, Rousan says that Asen's wrong and that Gyousou was aware of him this whole time and never ignored him. For they are really much alike, both Asen and Gyousou. It's just that even long before Gyousou ascended to the throne, Asen had already lost himself in the pursuit of glory while serving the former king. And Gyousou never did… *** After a few days of no word, Risai and her companions suddenly get the message from Houyou, who's inviting them to her villa in the city of Hakurou. When they get there they discover that indeed, the Fu family, for quiet some time, has been gathering not only vagrants and refugees but also deserters from Gyousou's army. She was also getting ready for the inevitable fight and has produced a great amount of weapons of all kind. Along with flying beast and provisions to feed the small army she's been housing in her villas all around the country. She also explains that with the province's leader affected by the strange malady, it's been fairly easy to get away with so many things as long as one did nothing openly suspicious. Houyou also arranges for Risai to meet the official from the Ministry of Winter responsible for covering Houyou's tracks. Tonkou turns out to be even older that Risai suspected as he's been in his office long before since the formed king ascended and and has a great deal of knowledge about the happenings inside the provincial offices. He also emphasizes that with a person of the sufficient rank (meaning someone like Risai) it could be more that possible to lay a siege to the castle and actually take control of it. And if only Gyousou was there, gathering even more people and marching toward the capital, would be even more possible. But as he's not here, everything is still ready. They just need some to take the lead. Risai politely declines the offer, explaining that she wants to focus on finding their king and Houyou answers that they'll gladly wait. *** In the meantime the New Year came and went and as before no celebration took place, Chouun expects everything to go as planned. For he's sure that this time he'll actually be able to Ministers to agree to restrict Taiki's movement even more. To his surprise he finds the Throne Room already occupied and Asen sitting on the throne with Saiho by his side. Asen then proceeds to announce his incoming enthronement, criticizes the work of the court and demanding immediate improvements. Back in his office Chouun rages and makes a plan to make the others work for him, as he's not to blame of any of the mistakes made and Ansaku agrees, while privately commenting on his incompetence. Not long after that Boushuku is forced to let uninvited guest into Taiki's quarters and is calmly assured by Gogetsu that Ganchou is the most welcomed, which seems to be confirmed by Taiki's reaction. For kirin clearly moved and close to tears as he kneels beside his retainer even going as far as laying his head on Ganchou's shoulder. That unexpected display of affection shocks Boushuku as he's never suspect kirin to be so humane. And just a second later Taiki appoints Ganchou as his new bodyguard. Then he invites the former general to his mansion and they have a long conversation about Ganchou having no choice but stay at the court when the ones close to him were taken hostage, about being demoted and being looked down upon while living in the small quarters and taking care of Gyousou mount, Keito, being his only purpose… Fortunately his retainers were spared the same fate. Ones like Santou who was taken in by Hinken and appropriately looked after by him and Kisen. Santou himself being glad and thanking Heaven for making it possible for Ganchou to take his new post at Taiki's side. *** At the same time Risai and her companions with the addition of Sekirin priest, Sodou, brainstorm about possible routes Gyousou could have taken while escaping Mt. Kan'you. Finally they settle on going north, even if Gyousou taking the difficult and extremely dangerous and pilgrim trail seems very unlikely. As Risai along with Kyoshi, Seishi and Sodou leave for Mt. Takuou, Houto and Yotaku make further preparations for the move to the city of Seisai. The infamous trail turns out to be even more dangerous and exhausting than Risai expected but they finally arrive at Koutaku and along the way they find the evidence of soldiers coming through. As they make their way through the crowded city Risai is unexpectedly approached by a few men and recognizes one as Kiro from Sougen's corps. It turns out that a few years ago the general and his men made it to the local temple and are hiding there to this day. As a big religious centre, the city of Koutaku, turned out to be a good hideout as, the influence of the priests is bigger than the kingdom officials'. As Risai is reunited with her friends they talk about everything that's happened to this day and to her dismay she discovers that for all these years Sougen's people have searched for Gyousou and found nothing. Suddenly though Risai thinks what if their King never made it out of the bowels of Mt. Kan'you? What if he's still there? And as they discuss the possibilities they come to conclusion that it's almost certain that Gyousou's still there. For there is one youma big enough to fit into that secret wooden box and one that has the power to move the earth itself with its howls and it's called ririku… So, the preparations begin. They have to gather enough people and get rebels to help them dig through all the rubble to may a way and possibly locate Gyousou. *** For his part, Asen always knew that something could go wrong when he chose the scum like Ukou, to do the job. But as the man was vile and cruel, he was also extremely efficient. Asen was also terrified of the possibility of his men rejecting his plans. Was terrified of becoming even bigger failure than he already was. So he planned the whole thing himself and with the help of Rousan got his hand on the pair of boar-like ririku powerful enough to cause the cave-in. Unfortunately they was no way to test their abilities and the dying scream of the beasts turned out to be too much, for all the things Asen was planning. Yes, he wanted to imprison Gyousou in the bowels of Mt. Kan'you but with the way to actually to oversee the entire situation. But the cave-in had much bigger scale than he wanted and Gyousou fell into the abyss… Even after losing more than half of his men Ukou came back with the disgusting smile on his face, fiercely proud of almost finishing Gyousou off and getting the job 'well done'. For all this time Asen's live in fear of not knowing anything and expecting every day to be Gyousou's last. With time he cut himself off from his retainers and withdrew from politics holing up in the Inner Palace. Now he wonders if this has been Gyousou revenge, all along… *** Somewhere in the Bun Province there's abandoned village with only one family still living in their old home. Once a month the man takes his little daughter to the riverbank and together they make a small offering of the basket filled with little things. An offering for the dead. The girl doesn't understand as they already have almost nothing to eat and with her sister starving to death not even two months ago… Still the girl is somehow happy because, her father resuming the tradition of monthly offerings means that he's getting better. Even if just a little bit. The man apologizes to his daughter for his selfishness and tries to explain that it's all for the person who long, long time ago made sure that the citizens of certain city survived their king's wrath. For the descendants of those people never forgot about Gyousou's part in saving the city of Tetsui… And as the basket full of offering drifts right into the dark caves of Mt. Kan'you man has no idea that his gifts are being delivered to the right person. *** Gyousou himself made some unforgivable mistakes… He'd known that he'd most likely get into the trap, but he couldn't ignore the possibility that runaway chief of Tetsui really needed his help. He also thought that it might be his chance to get the actual prove that Asen was planning something, because he obviously couldn't get rid of the man basing on his suspicions alone. Unfortunately he gravely overestimated his own abilities while underestimating the opponents who almost got him killed. Never before had he felt so powerless and desperate. Then there was a cave-in and long days of total darkness. At first he wasn't able to even feel his limbs wondering if one or two or all of them were gone. Then came the pain and the with it the knowledge. His arms survived the fall almost intact but both of his legs were broken. Fortunately there was no one to hear his screams when he had to set his bones. When he was finally able to move he begin to explore the cave and while he found some things necessary to survive a few tunnels and there was a flowing water nearby, he couldn't find any way out. And he knew he must had fallen really deep since somewhere above his head was the hole that let light and rain in. But it was so far away. Despite all that he never gave in to fear and despair as he was the King. He simply couldn’t. There were also a little things that gave him strength to go on. Like an occasional food offerings that made it possible for him to survive al those years. There was also one big and clear sign that he still had the Heaven's blessing. For one day he found a single youma in these depths. And for all the time spent in the wasteland of the Yellow Sea, he does know how to catch a suugu. *** One day officer Yuushou is summoned in front of the King and entrusted with the mission to bring back the fallen one. After hearing that order and seeing Ukou, responsible for all this mess, Yuushou can't help feeling betrayed by his liege. On one hand he know that if any of the retainers had known at that time about their master's plan they would have tried to stop. On the other hand Yuushou wished that Asen had more faith in them and gave them that forbidden order instead of giving it to the vile man like Ukou. Still, he has no way but to prepare and go to Mt. Kan'you. Not long after, agitated Keitou arrives at Taiki's mansion and begs kirin to release him from his duties. Surprised Taiki says that he force the man to stay, but he at least want to know the reason for this sudden decision. As Keitou breaks down he says that he can't no longer serve the man like Asen. That getting away from his lord, made him see how he fooled himself and tried to convince himself that there must have been some good reason for Asen to actually get rid of Gyousou, as Keitou himself had nothing against him. And as the situation has become clear he can't just stay here and work for the usurper. Taiki for moment hesitates but then calmly explains that Asen's not the king and that's why he'll need Keitou assistance when the time comes. Meanwhile Ansaku is quietly observing as his superior still deludes himself that nothing is his fault and that he actually can get Taiki's forgiveness for going against him so many times. Because as the situation stands, after Asen coming back to politics and giving direct orders more and more courtiers started to come to Saiho's side as he finally was able to actively start helping the struggling citizens by opening provincial storages and giving the refugees to earn some money by helping with the rebuilding of the city. And so the little bit of sunlight actually reached the Kingdom of Tai through the dense winter clouds… BACK

#twelve kingdoms #juuni kokuki #juuni kokki #shirogane no oka #kuro no tsuki #fuyumi ono #novel #summary #taiki #risai #tai kingdom #gyousou #asen #十二国記 #白銀の墟玄の月 #小野不由美

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atinyidea · 5 years

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Appellation | Ateez | COMING SOON

╭ ╮

Appellation /ˌapəˈleɪʃ(ə)n/ noun

FORMAL

noun: appellation; plural noun: appellations

a name or title

╰ ╯

a series of one-shots created around a singular word and its meaning.

appellation masterlist | main masterlist

Ambedo ——— Kang Yeosang

n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—briefly soaking in the experience of being alive, an act that is done purely for its own sake.

☞ Made an orphan after the birth of your youngest sibling you had no choice but to grow up at a young age. Your birth father having been killed at sea while in the Royal Navy and your mother failing to complete her will during her pregnancy sickness had landed you in the arms of a greedy tyrant of the underground who snatched you and your siblings to take away all you had to your name. Unfortunately for you, when you put up a fight, as it was your duty as the eldest, you were requited with pain, fear-mongering and death threats leaving you with no choice but to follow your ‘new fathers’ rule. You were taught the tricks and tips of being a shadow, a thief in the night and while you could never actually kill someone you definitely knew how to make it look like an accident. You thought all your life would be drowned in the mixed greys of misery you never stopped to find the rainbow and Gods it was a sight when you finally found it.

Anecdoche ——— Park Seonghwa

n. a conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening, simply overlaying disconnected words like a game of Scrabble, with each player borrowing bits of other anecdotes as a way to increase their own score, until we all run out of things to say.

☞︎ When you were younger, and your mother was still alive, your biggest joy in life was chess. As 'nerdy' as a chess hobby was, it was the one thing that was solely yours and your mother's. She would take you to play in both friendly and professional tournaments despite your aristocratic station and the backlash you received. After she died you only played against one person, the one person where the outcome of a match always ended in draws — Park Seonghwa. He was mysterious and arrogantly playful and while he irked you down to your core he was undoubtedly your only friend in the hell that was your current life.

Chrysalism ——— Choi Jongho

n. the amniotic tranquillity of being indoors during a thunderstorm, listening to waves of rain pattering against the roof like an argument upstairs, whose muffled words are unintelligible but whose crackling release of built-up tension you understand perfectly.

☞ Under the weight of a thunderstorm, with a headache threatening to drill into your head, Jongho provides you with a distraction from your work that leads the two of you to reminisce about the significant [ and not so significant ] memories you shared since the day you met — coincidently under a thunderstorm too.

Heartworm ——— Choi San

n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smouldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

☞ When you were younger, you knew you were one-hundred per cent in love with your best friend, Choi San. However, because he was also, in fact, your brother’s best friend, and you were a sixteen-year-old rebel adamant to never admit your feelings, you had to watch as he got his first girlfriend during a party Seonghwa had thrown for you. Now, years later and in the middle of college, you find yourself in a familiar setting: a party was thrown for you by your brother and Choi San looking as breathtaking as he always does.

600 special prompt for my lovely soul partner @san--shine

42: “Exactly how drunk was I?”

49: “Good morning, sunshine.”

Kenopsia ——— Jeong Yunho

n. the eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that’s usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet —a school hallway in the evening, an unlit office on a weekend, vacant fairgrounds—an emotional afterimage that makes it seem not just empty but hyper-empty, with a total population in the negative, who are so conspicuously absent they glow like neon signs.

☞ Being ripped from your house, family and education because an evil bigot wanted a war was not something you had planned for. Being targeted by said evil blood purist because of your standing as a muggle-born was petrifying enough but when wizarding towns get attacked as well as muggle towns there's not much you can do to stop the terror growing in your heart. Visiting Yunho's family on a whim to find out there was nothing left is the last push for the two of you to finally express your feelings with one another.

Petrichor ——— Song Mingi

n. a pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather.

☞ Before the rain started you and your mother had joked about not remembering what the rain smelt like anymore, since you were in the longest drought there had been for a couple of years. As the rain kept coming and electronics stopped working more and more it's become harder for a teenager to live her life [and considerably more boring too ] so you acted on the throwaway idea by your boyfriend to ditch study and run away for a date. Now that the rain doesn't stop you almost wonder if you were the one to jinx the world.

Ringlorn ——— Kim Hongjoong

adj. the wish that the modern world felt as epic as the one depicted in old stories and folktales—a place of tragedy and transcendence, of oaths and omens and fates, where everyday life felt like a quest for glory, a mythic bond with an ancient past, or a battle for survival against a clear enemy, rather than an open-ended parlor game where all the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.

☞︎ Sometimes when some people get bored they decided to change a conversation subject, try out a new hobby or simply switch song selections... Not you though. No, when you get bored you decide to raid your witch friend's hellish books and purposely summon the king of demons to satiate your curiosities. The kicker? You two actually get along a whole lot more than expected and soon random summons for stupid conversations become chaotic village pranks become a tangle of limbs and the possible restart of your undead heart.

Xeno ——— Jung Wooyoung

n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone.

☞ You had known him your entire life. You grew up together, sheltered from the world by palace walls. When Wooyoung was named a knight and left in charge of you, you couldn’t have been happier for you got to spend almost every day with your best friend. When you realised you loved him shortly after your eighteenth birthday - where you had done something so embarrassing as kissing him out of the blue - you decided you didn’t want to love another. And so, when the war declared upon your kingdom forces your father to utilise every last knight he has Wooyoung has to leave, and you figure he took your heart with him.

long overdue 300 special prompts for the lovely @acampos9

1. “When will I see you again?”

2. “You are the first thing on my mind, the last thought before sleep and, my truest love.”

#appellation #ateez

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highabovethecloudssomewhere · 5 years

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The BNHA Fandom and why I haven’t been creating content for it

I’d wanted to do this several months ago, when I first returned from my break through the month of February, but at the time I was wound to the point of snapping, exhausted, and overall in a pretty rough state of mind creatively. I’ll go into why in a moment, but either way, now, I think enough time has passed for me to be able to articulate my thoughts in a readable way that makes sense.

Before I get into it, let me start by saying:

A lot of this is personal. A lot of you will agree with me; a lot of you will disagree with me. Overall, please take this as my own personal thoughts and experiences. I’m doing this in the hopes that you can at least understand my mindset and where I’m coming from. I’m not attacking anyone particularly. I just want you to be able to understand, because you’ve all stuck with me this long, and feel you deserve an explanation.

This is not a callout post. This is just me, a tired writer and creator, explaining my mindset in a way that I hope you can understand. And maybe even relate to.

This has been long overdue. Here we go.

I started writing fanfiction for BNHA somewhere in between the spring and summer of 2017. Around that time, the show’s second season was airing and quickly gaining traction. I hopped on the bandwagon, fell in love, and began creating content for it before I even finished watching the anime.

From there, I read the manga, and before I knew it, I had a new favorite series. And for a long time, it was my favorite series. I loved the cast of characters, I loved the engaging story, I loved all the different arcs, and I loved how the characters played off each other and grew through each other. I still love the characters with all my heart.

And this is where I start ranting. This is where a lot of you are gonna disagree with me. This is where the fandom divides.

Because ever since last year, the fandom has been in a meticulous state of divide, hate, arguments, controversy, and disarray. And suddenly logging onto social media to breeze through a boring 10 minutes became a truckload of fandom divide, arguments, hate, and overall toxicity.

Of course, not all of the fandom is like this. It’s wrong to generalize like that. But oh my god, the divide in the fandom is bad. Maybe it’s not as bad as it could be. I’m sure it could be a hell of a lot worse. But it is bad. And it didn’t help the fact that [SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA] Endeavor, one of the series’ most hated characters (up to a point), had his own development arc. As a survivor of abuse and someone still fighting through it now, seeing this abusive character get such an arc in the story--arcs that his abused wife didn’t get, arcs that his abused children (sans Shouto) didn’t get--really, really crushed me. And that mashed with the declining state of the fandom for a whole mess of hurt and disappointment. [END OF MANGA SPOILERS]

Since then, it’s only gotten worse. The arguments are more heated than ever. The creator is being harassed (again, actually. This isn’t the first time). There’s so much war between users in the fandom, and even if the entire fandom isn’t a part of the fighting, they’re still affected by it. They’re like me, trying to make my way peacefully through it and inevitably running into so much divide and hatred it’s unbelievable.

Every fandom has its bad parts. But as of late, all the bad in the BNHA fanbase has been more prevalent than the good. And that’s not even going into the issues I have with the original source material, or the fact that I’m no longer reading it. I’m not going to get into that, because that isn’t the point.

And here’s where it gets personal. Here’s where “general fandom crap that every fandom has” became even more than that.

In February of this year, I needed a break. So I took one. I posted no content through the month of February, consumed some other media (Ao no Exorcist and Mob Psycho 100 specifically), wrote stuff to post come March. And it was alright. Taking a break from the fandom was just what the doctor ordered.

And then I returned. And I started posting again. And god, did the floodgates open.

The attacks, the toxicity, the hate, flooded into comments. Demanding why I didn’t update when they wanted to; questioning what took me so long; ordering me to never do that again. Several comments that only contained the word “finally.” An entire, maxed-out page of the word “update” and nothing more. False accusations that were removed/deleted before anything could come out of them. And now, recently, a stolen work of mine up on Wattpad.

If you go looking into the comments sections of my fics, you might find a couple. But only because I didn’t delete them. Up until this point, I’d hoped I’d be able to shove it under the rug, so to speak. After all, in my experience, the fandom was already full of toxicity. Of course. I should expect it, right? Expect it, not let it get to me, and move on.

Except, it didn’t stop there. When I started posting again in March, along with my BNHA updates came a few works from the other fandoms I’d dabbled in. Specifically, Mob Psycho 100 fics.

The bulk of the comments I got on those MP100 fics (comments which have long since been deleted, of course) were from anonymous users demanding to know when I was going update my BNHA fics.

Crazy, right. Give them nearly 1 million words worth of content from one fandom, and the second you try creating anything for another fandom, they come at you with pitchforks. It’s... actually really sad. And I felt trapped.

Because at that point, to them, I was a creator. I was a writer. But I wasn’t a person.

And of course, not everyone was like this. The majority of people were happy to see me writing again. They were understanding and encouraging, not just of my works, but of my taking time off, too. I have a wonderful community, I really do. And I’m so thankful for each and every one of you who offer such positivity towards me and my works. Those of you who treat me like a person.

But... it was a lot. Too much all at once, really. During what was already a really hard, dark time in my life. During a time when the majority of the stuff I wrote were vent/coping fics, because writing was the one thing I knew I could run to for solitude. And, by the end of February, I was scared of updating my bnha fics. Because I didn’t know if I could handle every update ending in a flood of demanding comments from people who cared more about what I could give them than about me as a person.

You may be reading this and think I’m overreacting. You may be looking at all this and saying to yourself, “Oh, that isn’t so bad. [Creator] has been through worse and they’re still writing.”

Which I guess then begs the question: am I overreacting?

No.

No, I’m not.

Because this incident made me question my worth as a writer. Made me question if I was only worth the content I'm able to produce. And as someone who’s already driven by my abilities, as someone who already pushes myself, as someone who can only be proud of myself if I have something to show for it (which is a toxic mindset that I’m trying my damndest to work myself out of), this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

On one hand, when I was able to pull myself through this whole fiasco, when I was able to ingrain it in my head that I’m more than what I create, I was okay. I could write. I’m still writing now. Focusing on an original project as well as smaller projects in other fandoms.

But on the other hand, the past couple times I’ve opened any WIPs I have for my BNHA fics, I’ve hesitated. I’ve opened them, and they were left open, untouched, until I closed them at night before I went to bed.

Because I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Because I can’t bring myself to write for this fandom anymore.

So, there you have it. A long, unedited, overdue explanation that I’ve been struggling to get off my chest for far too long. Does it make sense? Maybe. I don’t know. I hope at least you can understand where I’m coming from. Even if you think I’m overreacting, I hope you can at least see my side of this.

So, what does this mean for my in-project bnha works?

For stories like LAH and AHDAI, which are in their final stages (both with only one chapter and an epilogue left to go), I plan on finishing those. I’m proud of both those projects and want to finish strong. When will they be finished? Good question. I don’t know.

As for my more recent works--specifically Resident Ghost--I honestly have no idea. I’m trying to pull myself through a few chapters, trying to at least tie up the USJ arc, but I honestly don’t know at this point. And I feel bad. Because I have ideas, I have thoughts, I have a story to tell, but the motivation isn’t there anymore. And that’s the battle right now.

I really want to be able to write and finish it. And I’m gonna try my damndest to do it. But I can’t promise speed. All I can promise is that I’m going to try my best. I don’t know what else to say. What else to do.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Thank you for supporting me and being a wonderful part of this community. I love you guys so much. You’re such an encouragement, and honestly, a big portion of what’s kept me going for this long. Maybe I’ll be able to keep writing like I did someday. Maybe I’ll work myself out of this eventually.

Until then, I hope this explanation has been enough. Thank you for all your support.

#me #cloud speaks #this got way longer than I wanted it to #but #it had to be said #it's had to be said for a long time now #please don't fight over this #please #this is a personal explanation of my personal experiences #i'm not damning the show or the fandom #please don't get into arguments over this

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wackygoofball · 5 years

Photo

Moodboard: Jaime x Brienne - Elementary AU

Just FYI, I am sending ahead that I absolutely, with all of my heart adore Elementary and Jonny Lee Miller’s and Lucy Liu’s portrayals of their characters, which is why this moodboard should please be regarded as an homage to the show above all else, even if I take the romantic high road here despite the fact that the show seems to follow the trajectory of the platonic love (which is so pure and so well written I still cry) up until this point of time, though as a shipper... one can still hope, right?

I will also send ahead that I had to do some tweaking to create the Watson/Sherlock dynamic since Jaime’s character is different from a Sherlock Holmes in many ways, so I employed a little workaround I hope suffices.

To give a bit of a teaser, here the plot bunnies I have thus far:

Brienne of Tarth knows what she is getting into whenever she takes on a new client. After all, she chose to become a sober companion to deal with the unexpected and help those who can’t help themselves in times of crisis. What she doesn’t know is how she stumbled over this most curious case. First she gets an ominous phone call from an assistant to Mr. Blackwater to request her services for his friend who just came out of rehab and now needs some looking after, then she finds out the same man would not meet up with him.

All Brienne knows about her client is that his name is Jaime Lannister, a former consultant for the King’s Landing Police Department, and that yes, this is the same man known as the Kingslayer in the Seven Kingdoms after he killed Aerys Targaryen, but was found to have acted in self-defense even though evidence begged to differ a lot, or so she heard on television. From the medical files she was provided by the facility, Brienne knows that he lost his hand and as a result got addicted to pain killers, which resulted in his drug abuse that landed him in the rehab in the first place.

Their first meeting couldn’t be any more unfortunate as it doesn’t take long for the truth to unfold that Jaime Lannister does not want and won’t tolerate a sober companion, or “mannish drug nanny” as he puts it, to watch every of his steps.

“I have no intention to be using again, so Bronn can just fuck off and leave me alone. He actually has a lot of experience with that ever since he got his villa.”

Brienne won’t budge, however, she never does, and makes it clear to her new client that she won’t be going anywhere until she knows for sure that he is settled in and doesn’t run the risk of relapsing anymore during this very critical transition period from rehab center to normal life again.

She is used to clients who display hostility towards her, show mistrust, but Jaime Lannister puts a new level to it, because no matter what, Brienne not once encountered an client who would play fanfares late at night, arguing it vital to his recently picked up again consultant duties, dumping trash on her bed for a “long overdue experiment concerning decomposition of evidence” or introducing her to police staff as his “personal valet.” Though Brienne will have to admit, despite his sheer intolerable behavior, Jaime Lannister is even better than the rumors about him would let one assume: through deduction alone, he sees right through a crime scene, gets down to the bottom of it and finds the culprit. It is such a stark contrast to the childish man trying to drive her out of the house. On the job, he is exceeding any expectations, is sharp, focused, and cuts through lies and stories with the precision of a scalpel.

Jaime, for his part, would rather have this sober companion gone for good, but Miss Tarth appears stubborn enough to stick around against better judgment, or perhaps Bronn pays her better than he would have calculated. His interest in her witnesses a slight peak while working a case, since his “personal valet” happens to have some medical insights bringing him forward in finding the murder suspect that would have taken him quite a while longer.

Not that he would admit that to her, of course. After all, Jaime shouldn’t be surprised by her knowledge of the field. He did his research and knows for a fact that she is a former army doctor turned drug nanny. Nevertheless, she happens to have deductive skills of her own, he discovers, and while unrefined in some aspects, she has a certain clarity in her mind that most others lack.

However, in the end, that shouldn’t matter. Jaime has other things to do, and she is just the constant reminder of his failure, which is why Jaime undertakes the efforts necessary to drive her out of the house. At last, his research reveals that one thing that may drive her over the edge – how she ended up as a sober companion in the first place. In the course of a heated argument, Jaime snaps and confronts Brienne about it that she only ever took on the job because she failed to keep Renly Baratheon safe when she worked as his personal secretary and he ended up getting shot in the streets outside a restaurant where they met with Catelyn Stark for business dealings.

When Jaime considers himself the winner at last, he is taken aback by Brienne’s reaction, however:

“It appears your only method of dealing with your own emotions is by projecting them on others.”

“So you deny you have any problems? Please. I just proved that wrong.”

“I know I have them, and that means I am three steps ahead of you. Because you can’t look into the mirror because you are ashamed of what may be looking back at you. And quite frankly, I find that… craven.”

After that, neither one knows how to talk to the other for a while. Brienne genuinely considers quitting the job, but before she makes that decision, Jaime brings himself to an apology, which is, she knows, an absolutely rare exception.

“I overstepped a line to drive you away. I am not used to have other people deduce things about me. I tend to think that no one ever really got me other than my brother, perhaps, but that’s another story. Because yes, I wanted you gone so that I don’t have to face the fact that this is the reason why you are here. I want to do my job and forget about those past months. I wished they never happened.”

“They don’t go away, though.”

“I know. But there is just going forward from here, for me at least… but… it was wrong of me to take that out on you. Which is why I am generous enough to offer you my services as part of what I tend to refer to as a truce: I am willing to dedicate some of my free time to Renly’s murder case.”

“Hell no.”

“… I actually thought you would be flattered by that. You are aware that I am the best consultant currently residing in King’s Landing, arguably in all of Westeros I daresay?”

“That is my responsibility and my responsibility alone.”

“… You want to find the person responsible yourself.”

“Your deduction skills are, as per usual, very much on point.”

“… Well, if that is the case, I can only offer you my resources, should you decide to dig into his case again, or otherwise be of assistance. I still propose a truce as part of our agreement of sober companion and client because, frankly, I gave it some thought and I suppose you are the least trouble. Imagine some dimwit stepping on evidence at crime scenes. You at least know how to stay put.”

“… I suppose that is a compliment.”

“You may take it as such. So do we have a truce?”

“You need trust to have a truce.”

“I trust you.”

And on that trust, they start to build for the next weeks. Brienne finds herself more and more drawn to Jaime’s work whereas Jaime can no longer deny Brienne’s apparent talent for detective work outside the medical sphere. She is perceptive and thanks to her military training knows more about fighting than most ever will.

He finds her… promising, in a way. Just like someone once found him promising, only to destroy it all, but maybe, just maybe, he can make things right this time, who knows?

While Brienne enjoys the work more and more, she knows that her days with Jaime Lannister are limited, which means she must not get attached to either the man or his profession. When Brienne communicates that to him, Jaime starts distancing himself from her. Brienne already fears for a relapse and is close to calling Mr. Blackwater to request an extension, but before she can make the call, Jaime breaks his silence with a sudden offer: to become his apprentice and become a consultant like him.

“If you decide to take the offer, of that I assure you, I will train you to the best of my abilities. Make you cry, very likely. But once the training is completed, you should know all there is to know about solving crime the way I harnessed that skillset.”

“I am a sober companion.”

“And before that you were a personal assistant to Renly. And before that an army doctor. You see, a woman once told me that I was craven for running away from my problems, and I think it is time I give these wise words over to the next generation sitting before me. I think you are running away from an opportunity, just because you are afraid of making that step. You want to be out there. I saw you at the crime scenes. I saw the satisfaction on your eyes when we got the bad guys.”

“And I don’t deny it. But I am helping people, too, as a sober companion. I am preventing people from relapse, I am preventing them from committing crime.”

“And that is admirable, without a doubt. And you are good at your job. You kept me from the drugs and I thought that was virtually impossible. Nevertheless, I think this is an opportunity for you and…”

“And?”

“And me as well. Because I have to admit that… that my work has been better ever since you started to come along. I don’t know why, I just know that this is the case. That I am better with you.”

Brienne remains unsure about the offer for a while, but eventually agrees to the training regiment, no matter how much spiteful glee Jaime takes in basically tormenting her.

Jaime, for his part, rediscovers how much joy it gives him to do this job, and discovers something new as well, starting to understand how Tyrion loved training him to become a consultant back in the “good old days,” not just to make the other suffer, but to see them grow, deduce, put the pieces together. When he watches Brienne, when he sees her succeed, Jaime finds himself succeeding. And when Brienne is proud and happy, he finds himself smiling along.

As things progress, their truce soon grows to a deeply felt friendship since both lacked someone to rely on with those very private insecurities and inner demons for a very long time.

Brienne admits to how she ended up as Renly’s assistant, namely because she was hopelessly in love with the man, as Jaime had rightly deduced on the day they had their first fallout, and that she chose to join him to be around him.

“After I came back from my military service… I don’t know, I had so many people die, slip through my fingers, people we were sworn to protect, good people, good soldiers and far too many civilians. And then I heard that Renly was running for presidency after Robert’s death and I just… I just wanted to be sure that he was alright. I have seen the results of political upheavals in times of crisis during my service as an army doctor. I know that political enemies tear each other to shreds and that this will always lead to bloodshed on all sides. No one really questioned me and my decision because… you know, trauma. Everyone just assumed I wanted something boring, something conventional after all that I saw and went through. And perhaps I did, I don’t know. I just wanted to keep close to Renly, that much I knew. But then… Renly was killed and I only ever held him as he died.”

“And you couldn’t identify the guy.”

“It was a shadow. And it had Stannis’s name all over it.”

“Can you prove it?”

“Not yet.”

“You see, it’s always risky to deduce from the conclusion to the fact. It should be the other way around.”

“Those are the facts. Renly ran as an independent party to split potential votes between him and Stannis because he didn’t want Stannis to ever make it past the primaries. He had a motive to want to have him removed. Many of Renly’s voters went ahead and joined Stannis after his death. He has a woman in his ranks who will carry out almost any kind of task you give to her. It was Stannis. I know it, I just need a way to prove it.”

“Melisandre of Asshai. I read some interesting things about her.”

“She is a murderer. And one of these days, I will be able to prove it that she and Stannis did this.”

“You just need the remaining evidence.”

“Even more so since he runs for president. I will rather leave the country than live under him as my commander in chief.”

“And you would just abandon me? How rude. Even more so as a former sober companion.”

Jaime, for his part, also finds the courage to let Brienne in on his secrets, even the ones he kept so well for all those years, such as the true nature of Aerys’s assassination and Tyrion’s disappearance, and how it broke him that his brother went behind his back to kill their father and Tyrion’s ex-lover Shae before disappearing to Essos as it was planned to buy Jaime time to prove his innocence of Joffrey’s murder.

“What pissed me off foremost, though, was that he didn’t trust me. That was always the thing we relied on, that was stone one. That was our truce. He trusted me and that I trusted him. Blindly. Or so I thought. Because my smart, smart little brother didn’t trust me to clear his name. He didn’t trust me as his brother, as his friend, as the consultant he helped frame when he picked me up after the Aerys affair to offer me a new perspective. He believed he was the only one who could clear his name, and when Tyrion saw no chance anymore, he quitted, on himself, on me, on our work. And I will never forgive him for that. Well, that and murdering two people for the simplest and most basic motive there is: revenge.”

As things progress, it isn’t until long that they run into a hacker group called No One run by a man named Jaqen H’ghar. They “help” them on a number of occasions to gather evidence they could not otherwise acquire, in exchange for oftentimes publicly humiliating Jaime, such as carrying around a sign to encourage people to “Slay the Kingslayer with a Golden Slap,” a task many people happily agree to, apparently. The members remain ominous, only ever appearing in chats wearing masks. A young group member, a teenage girl, catches their attention as Brienne pieces together that this is in fact Arya Stark. Due to Brienne’s personal involvement with her family, she feels ever the more urged to help the girl and keep her from potentially committing worse crimes to carry out her revenge against the people she deems responsible for the deaths of most of her family.

However, Jaime’s and Brienne’s attention soon turns to politics as the elections come into the hot phase, only to be shocked to the core when a newcomer emerges from Essos to enter the race rather late: Daenerys Targaryen, the Mother of Dragons as she is called, wants to become president of the Seven Kingdoms alongside her rivals Stannis Baratheon and Cersei Lannister.

Things take a sudden turn with the re-emergence of someone Jaime thought he would never see again in a life time, and a nemesis who may no longer be just after the infamous consultant Tyrion Lannister but now the new detective team solving cases in King’s Landing.

And if history taught them one thing by now, then it is that this person will do anything to get what he or she wants. And from the sounds of it, that is one thing and one thing only:

Power.

A game of cat-and-mouse begins, putting everyone involved in danger as a country is bound to decide on who will come into power next…

Additonal Image Sources: Elementary ( 2012-), http://gwendoline-christie.com/.

#jaime x brienne #jaime lannister #brienne of tarth #got moodboard #got aesthetic #moodboard #aesthetic #wacky tries gimp #fanfic #in smol #fanfiction #i just love elementary so much that i could not resist

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super-cerulean · 5 years

Text

Two Way Street

Part One/ Part Two

Just as a quick note, thank you for so many positive responses to this story as well as my other ones. Seeing so many nice comments always makes my day brighter. <3

Request: Hi sweetheart, can I request a #10 & #13 from Jason Todd prompt challenge? Sorry to bother u. I love ur blog (The prompts were Jason being Jealous of the reader and Dick and the reader being jealous of Jason and Kori)

Warnings: Language

It took forever for you to figure out what had happened during the fight. Neither of them would talk to you about it for the longest time. In fact, Jason pretty much stopped talking to you In general. If it wasn’t absolutely necessary to see or talk to you, he didn’t do it. How someone who lived in the same space as you found a way to disappear 90% of the time was beyond you. You weren’t sure what it was, but whatever they had been fighting about, was apparently weighing down on both of their attitudes.

After they’d come out of the room and Jason had left with Kori, Dick was gone just as quickly. Within the span of a few minutes, you and Roy were the only two left in the apartment and there was a huge feeling of tension left in their wake. Later on, you tried asking Jason what happened, but that was when he started distancing himself and sometimes completely ignoring you. Not only that, but in all the time it took for someone to finally tell you what happened, you were stuck watching the effects of the argument spread into your own life.

In retaliation to whatever Dick had said, Jason was now “dating” Kori. You weren’t sure if it was real or not, but in all honesty it still got to you either way. Jason was your friend-probably your closest-, but it hadn’t always been that way. There was a time not that long ago where you had even larger feelings for him. It was long overdue, but it still hit you like a truck out of nowhere. You could still remember the exact moment when you realized your own feelings. Jason hadn’t even done anything really besides taking you out to celebrate one of your first deep space missions. Out of nowhere, you caught yourself looking at his teasing smile after making a joke and realizing that the warm feeling in your heart extended far past friendship. By then you were already too deep into your feelings to curb them. Obviously, that didn’t work out in the way you wanted, as you ended up roommates of the most platonic kind. You thought you were over that and done feeling that way about him, but now you weren’t so sure.

It wasn’t that you disliked Koriand’r or anything. Despite everything, you still enjoyed her company and liked her as a person in general. What brought the sickness to your heart was seeing them together. Especially since Jason wouldn’t talk to you. It felt like you’d been severed and he put Kori in the place you could never be. It hurt way more than you would ever admit. Of course, you didn’t say anything. Instead, opting to appear as blissfully ignorant as possible while you drowned in your feelings. This went on for days before you finally tracked Dick down and forced him to tell you everything that happened.

Dick sat beside you on a bench in BludHaven. Everything had reached a boiling point in your mind, so you tracked him down and caught him while he was leaving his day job at the police department. Even though you were in civilian clothes, you made sure to let him know that if he tried to run you had your power ring within reach. Thanks to that, he finally gave in and told you what happened.

“He totally called me out,” Dick explained. “He said he knew I was only talking to you because I wanted to piss off Kori and that I needed to end it.”

“So did you tell him the truth?”

“No, I told him he was being ridiculous and that he needed to mind his own business.”

“Dick!” He flinched at your voice, lolling his head onto the back of the bench.

“I know! I should have just told him the truth then and been done with it,” he defended. “But I was caught off guard. He was coming at me out of nowhere and I got defensive and we fought about it. That’s when he tried to call my bluff and said that he’d go ask Kori out if I wasn’t faking it.”

“And that’s when both of you stormed out of the room.” Dick nodded, tilting his head to look at you. You gave him a serious look, shaking your head before speaking again.

“You know you’re going to have to come clean and dig all of us out this mess, right?”

“You mean we?” You blinked, expression unchanging as you stared at him.

“Um, no. I mean you. I’m not the one trying to make Kori jealous so I feel ‘appreciated’.” Dick rolled his eyes and sat up again, turning so that he was facing you more directly with one leg resting on the bench. He hadn’t had a chance to change out of his uniform yet, so it felt kind of strange sassing a police officer in the middle of a park. Still, you weren’t letting him drag you in any further.

“Maybe not, but you’re the one making Jason jealous, so you’re just as guilty as I am.”

“Bullshit If Jason’s jealous, it’s not because of me. This was all your big idea.” You scoffed, actually processing what he had said after you responded. “Besides, he won’t even talk to me. If anything he’s mad I’ve been talking to his brother behind his back and once again, that’s on you.”

“It was my idea, but you agreed to it!”

“Dick, you’re five seconds away from getting lantern launched across this park, secret identities be damned. This is your mess and you’re gonna be the one to fix it.”

“I don’t want to do it alone! They’re both going to be mad at me for it,” he whined, tilting his head and looking at you with hopeless eyes.

“That sounds like something I warned you about before you started this shit.”

“You warned me about Kori, not Jason. If I’d known he was this into you I would have asked someone else. You should have told me!” You scoffed again, kicking your foot idly in the dirt beneath you.

“Oh please, Jason’s not into me.”

“I beg to differ,” Dick responded, suddenly becoming more animated and dramatic. “He almost ripped my head off twice because he thinks I’m trying to get at you. Just because you don’t see it and he won’t admit it doesn’t mean it’s not true.” Deciding you’d heard enough, you stood suddenly.

“Okay, this conversation is over. You’re fixing this and we’re all going to be done with all this unnecessary drama. Got it?”

“Fine, but this conversation isn’t over. Jason has a big fat crush on you and I’ll prove it to you if I have to!” You threw up your favorite finger over your shoulder as you walked out of the park. The last thing you wanted to be hearing was that Dick thought Jason was interested in you. That road led to nothing but disappointment. Hopefully Dick would just take your advice and talk it out with his brother. Of course, that would have been too easy.

“Why do you even care?!?! It’s not like I’m trying to steal your girlfriend!” You sat, head in your hands on the roof top of your apartment next to Kori as Jason and Dick went at it a few feet away. Why were you all on the roof? Because you were already one noise complaint away from getting kicked out of your building so you thought ahead and had everyone meet up there to discuss the situation. Thank god you had such wonderful forethought because now it had turned into a screaming match between the Wayne brothers.

At first you and Kori were trying to keep the peace and solve the problem, but somewhere along the line it turned into Dick goading Jason and the latter lashing out in response. You knew damn well he was trying to get Jason to admit he had feelings for you and at this point you didn’t care anymore. You’d even gone as far as to pull Kori aside and tell her the truth on your own while the others bickered. In response to your own confession, she also told you that she wasn’t really Jason either, which lifted what felt like eighty pounds of weight off of your chest. Whatever Dick was doing, wasn’t a part of the plan and you were just going to let him go off on his own until they tired each other out. Kori was at least was still paying attention to the argument and what they were saying while you dropped that shit ages ago.

“You and I both know why you’re really doing this and it’s disrespectful to both of them. Could you just act your age for once?!” Jason’s voice was almost a full on shout as he glared at Dick, who responded with just as much anger.

“Me? That’s rich coming from you. Why don’t you admit why you’re really mad and we’ll talk about this like adults.”

“You’re so fucking irritating. We’re not getting anywhere with this back and forth.”

“No! We aren’t!” You finally spoke up, raising your head from your hands. “Can you two just talk this out so we can all be done with it? This whole thing went further than it should have and now everyone’s angry and fighting over something stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. We’re fighting because Dick needs to stop dragging other people into his problems,” Jason responded, finally looking at you. It felt like it had been ages since he talked to you and of course it had to be when they were fighting.

“Okay, I understand that and I’ll talk with Y/N about it on my own. I don’t need my little brother butting into my relationships and telling me what to do.” Jason turned back to Dick again, shoving his hair out of his face as a gust of wind blew through the four of you. Despite the current situation, you felt your gaze linger on him for a bit longer than it probably should have. Even when he was in the middle of a huge argument, he still found a way to look breathtaking.

“I wouldn’t be butting in if you hadn’t decided to start dating one of my friends to make your ex jealous. You can’t just play around with people’s feelings like that!” You groaned, finally standing up and moving to stand between them.

“He wasn’t playing with my feelings, Jason. He came to me and told me from the beginning that he wanted my help to make Kori jealous. I should have said no, but I agreed to help him out, so that’s on me. I already apologized to her about it so there’s no need for everyone to keep screaming at each other. The only people who need to talking all this out are Dick and Kori.” Jason looked at you with a surprised expression and before he could get a word out, Dick was speaking again in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Exactly, and if you gave me the chance to explain myself before you started accusing me of being an asshole, I would have told you. I can’t believe you actually think I’d play around with Y/N’s feelings like that. I’m not that stupid.”

“Close, but not quite that dumb,” Kori said, joining the three of you finally.

“How was I supposed to know that?” Jason defended, still not completely over his own frustration.

“I don’t know, maybe if you asked me like a regular person instead of getting jealous and jumping down my throat the first chance you got!” And of course, Dick couldn’t have just dropped the subject now that everyone had calmed down. For a brief second you thought they just might be done fighting, but that would have been good luck.

“Oh here we go again,” you sighed, running a hand down the side of your face. Jason’s face flushed and he looked at Dick with wide eyes, glancing at you for a split second.

“I-I didn’t get jealous!”

“Oh please, Y/N said you’ve been stomping around in a hissy fit all week and you’ve been attacking me about it since you found out. You were pissed before you even knew we weren’t really dating.”

“That’s because I don’t want you fooling around with my friends!”

“This whole thing started because I was already in relationship drama with one of your friends, so that’s bullshit. You never cared that I was dating Kori; you only got defensive when it was Y/N.” Jason was about to produce another defensive response, but you cut him off.

“Why are you turning this on me now?! Can’t you two just fucking bro hug so I can go to sleep or something,” you interjected, glaring at Dick. You were getting sick of him trying to force the idea that Jason had a thing for you. You’d been living together and had been friends long enough that if he was going to make a move he would have done so already. Now Dick was just pushing him and the only thing that was going to come out of it would be Jason telling everyone why he saw you as a friend and nothing more. As much as you wanted to believe you were over it, that wasn’t true and you didn’t want to go through all of the grief and rejection again, especially now that you had to see him every day. He may have had the whole avoiding thing down, but you certainly didn’t.

“You can’t seriously be this blind. The only reason everything blew out of proportions was because Jason got so defensive over you. Anyone can see that he-“

“Listen, I’m glad we all aired this out, but I don’t feel like getting into this right now. Jason already said he wasn’t jealous, so just drop it.” You could feel their eyes on you after you suddenly cut off Dick’s statement and it only irritated your nerves further. “Fuck it, I’m so over this.” You yanked your power ring off of the chain around your neck and slipped it onto your finger. You were quick to suit up in a flash of green and walk away from the whole debacle, slipping into flight as you neared the edge of the roof.

Dick had been calling out to you before you left, but you ignored him. You flew high over Gotham and went as far away from the scene as you could. Despite how much you told yourself you were over everything, the feelings were cropping up all over again and you couldn’t stand staying there for another second. So instead you flew away and didn’t stop until you felt a hand on your ankle. Jerking your head around and coming to a stop, you were surprised to see that Kori had followed you into the night sky.

“What happened back there?” You huffed out a sigh at her question, relaxing into a less defensive position while Kori came to fly nearer to you.

“Nothing, I was just annoyed. He’s been talking about that shit for days now,” you responded, looking at the city below instead of meeting her eyes.

“It didn’t seem like that was it. You looked really upset when he brought it up.”

“I mean, yeah…” You paused, weighing whether you wanted to go into detail about the whole thing or not. This was something you’d never spoken a word about to anyone. There was a friendship between the two of you, but you weren’t sure if it was close enough to be sharing things like that. In all fairness, though, you already knew way too much of her business thanks to Dick. It seemed fair that she know some of yours in return. “It’s just a sore subject for me. In the past, I really did like Jason as more than a friend and I guess I’m not as over it as I thought. It was one thing to figure out that he didn’t feel the same on my own, but hearing him say it is another thing entirely. I don’t know why Dick is so hell bent on getting him to say something.”

“How can you be so sure that he doesn’t feel the same? Dick probably knows him better than most and he seems to think so.”

“Yeah, well his idea of romance is trying to make his girlfriend appreciate him by making her jealous so I don’t think he’s the best source of facts.”

“Okay maybe not,” she laughed. “But I spend a lot of time with him too. He’s different around you and the way he talks about you doesn’t feel entirely platonic to me. I think you should give him a chance to give you a final answer. If Dick was wrong, then at least you’ll know. That’s better than wondering, right?”

“That’s debatable.” Still, despite your apprehension, you knew she was right. It was a thought that had crossed your mind a few times, but one that you had refused to humor. Now that someone else was telling you, it really felt like the more logical response. “I’ll talk to him when I get back.”

“Good luck. I’ll make sure to talk to my boy wonder when I get back too. He needs it more than anyone.”

“Yeah, good luck to you too,” you laughed. “He’s a handful.”

When you and Kori got back to your apartment building, she and Dick left without much more discussion. Jason had already gone back inside, so you waved them off before beginning the dreaded descent down the stairs and to your apartment. The door was still unlocked, so at least you knew he wasn’t still acting like you didn’t exist. Still, your entire being was in a panic as you opened the front door. Starfire’s suggestion had propelled you into action, but now the actual nerves were setting in. The urge to just turn back around and run was almost enough to overwhelm your resolve. Almost, but not quite.

The kitchen and living room were empty so the next logical place for him to be was his room. The delay was only adding to your internal panic so much so that you had to pause outside his door to take a breath and shake out your clammy hands. After a that moment to regain some nerve, you pushed open his door and peeked into his room.

Jason was lying on his bed, previously looking at his phone before you’d come in. He was lying sideways so he had to tilt his head to look at you as you entered. He let the hand holding his phone sink down beside him and he shifted into an upright position.

“You okay?” You nodded, biting your lip as you walked all the way into your room. For some reason, your hand creaked his door closed behind you as if you needed some kind of privacy in an otherwise empty apartment. Once you realized what you’d done, you cringed a bit. Now you were trapped and so was he with the uncomfortable tension in the air.

“I…wanted to clear everything up,” you said finally, trailing off as you looked at him. Jason nodded, watching you come to sit beside him on the edge of his bed. You sat far enough away that you weren’t touching him, but close enough that you didn’t have to look directly at him. It was somewhat cowardly, but you had to do something to give your poor heart a break. Everything combined was pushing you towards cardiac arrest.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about earlier…and I guess for before that too. I’ve been pretty rude to you for the past few days and that wasn’t really warranted.”

“It’s alright,” you said, halfway thinking. Your mind was still on trying to get this confession out of your head, but you caught on to your own words. “I mean, it’s not alright because that was irritating as fuck to deal with every day, but I forgive you.” You heard him chuckle beside you and felt your own smile coming onto your face.

“And I forgive you for pretending to date my brother,” he retorted, causing you to groan, tilting your head to the side in mock anguish.

“Thanks for giving me a shortcut out of that apology.”

“You have to admit, it was a terrible idea,” Jason laughed.

“Yeah, I knew that. I just thought Dick would be the only one getting fucked over.”

“Oh so it was okay as long as it wasn’t you?”

“Exactly,” you both fell into the easy dynamic that you usually had. It was as natural as breathing sometimes and knowing this made you even more nervous to speak your mind. All of that could be ruined forever if you did. Pining after him in silence wasn’t a good option either, though.

“So, um. About what Dick said earlier...He kind of put us on the spot in front of everyone so I kind of panicked and ran,” you explained. Jason listened quietly, nodding his head and you could feel his gaze on you. With a quick glance, your eyes met his before you sighed and leaned back on your hands.

“That’s fair enough, if I could fly I’d have done the same thing.”

“Yeah, but it was different for me. I just…fuck this is hard to say.” You paused, looking up at Jason’s ceiling for a moment before regaining your nerve and finally looking into his eyes. “I left because what he was saying was too real for me. I didn’t want to hear you say you didn’t feel that way about me or that we’re just friends because I don’t want it to be true. I just…I really like you as more than a friend and I wasn’t ready to completely accept it was just me. But, I talked to Kori about it and realized that I need to deal with this instead of pushing it into the back of my mind, so here I am.”

Jason looked at you with a surprised expression, completely frozen. You sat in silence for a small moment before you found yourself rambling to fill the uncomfortable silence. “And, I’m not telling you this to pressure you into anything. You don’t have to say you feel the same or anything, I just wanted to let you know what was really going on, I guess.” You bit your lip, feeling the nervousness captivating you again as you looked away again.

“I-I should probably give you a minute to process all that, right. I’ll just…” Your voice trailed off and your mouth shut suddenly. Jason’s expression had softened and he was suddenly a lot closer to you than he had been a minute ago. You watched him, heart in a panic as the distance between the two of you closed.

“Can I speak now?” he whispered and you closed your eyes, mentally kicking yourself as you nodded. “Thanks.” He moved back into his own space, but held your eye contact.

“It wasn’t as different for you as you think. I freaked out and panicked when Dick brought it up like that too. The first thing I thought to do was deny what he was saying even though that wasn’t necessarily true.” His hand ghosted over yours and you responded by turning it over to him. He slipped his hand into your, smiling lightly at your response before his eyes returned to yours. “When I heard you and Dick were talking, I was pissed. I didn’t realize it until he brought it up that night we fought for the first time, but I really was jealous. I knew I felt different about you, but I wasn’t really sure what it was until now. I honestly felt awful not talking to you, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

His words were like sunshine breaking through the clouds after a week of rain. After feeling so stressed out and worried, you felt a lightness overtake your entire being. If you hadn’t had your ring dangling against your chest, you might have thought you were flying. A smile crept along your face at Jason’s confession and you couldn’t help your sigh of relief. A thought crossed your mind and you laughed lightly before speaking.

“So, long story short, we’re both complete idiots about this relationship stuff…” Jason laughed and nodded, using your hand to pull you into an embrace. He wrapped the hand entwined with yours around your shoulder, crossing your own arm over your chest. Your free hand pressed against his side and your head rested perfectly against his chest.

“Basically,” was all he said. You paused; savoring the moment before you finally said something else.

“And we’re definitely not admitting that Dick was right?”

“Not in this lifetime.”

Tag List:

@jason-todd-rh @chidroichan-blog @queen-fighter @hyp-oh-critical @roseangel013bf @jdroman5432 @redtodd @94-wonder-girl @immortalmurphy

#jason todd x reader #jason todd imagine #red hood x reader #red hood imagine #jason todd #red hood #request

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sparda3g · 5 years

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Attack on Titan Chapter 118 Review

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We can dance around and talk about how utterly amazing the latest anime season has been, but let’s not forget where it came from. The manga content was already incredible, so translating to the anime version is mouth-wateringly blessing. It’s the true Game of Thrones Season 8, only it’s not, because well, look at the title. However, the quality is most certainly true. When they say Sunday hype is over, I say it’s not, until the anime is over. But enough about that, we the manga readers need to look beyond, thinking to ourselves, “Will the future content be as incredible?” While that’s up for debate, I can say it’s looking downright stellar, and this chapter pushed it further.

Zeke may have left the anime (for now), but here he is in the manga, ready to play baseball. I really like that angle shot with Yelena staring to the sky as the blimps are burning and falling. It’s a shot that nailed her character well: a cult follower that praise the God for eliminating the devils. Zeke is a game changer; taking out titans and weapons left and right. Floch the douche and others come in to play as well. Basically, the tide has reversed from the last chapter, though later on, the ground will be on even level; sort of. I like Magath for not giving in to retreat, even when the odds are against him. He wants “justice” against Zeke the traitor. That is soldier’s pride at its core.

The suspense continues to escalate with Eren slowly heading towards Zeke. Honestly, I don’t know if I should be rooting for him or not, but then again, so many good characters are victimized by Zeke’s spinal fluid, so I am more frightened than excited.

A new scenario is created with the objective to save Falco, and this will be the best opportunity to show Gabi and her development payoff. It begins slowly with her wanting to tag along with Colt to save him, because she feels she owe him a lot after many hurdles. That’s admirable of her. It seems natural since she’s a warrior, but it becomes apparent later on. Falco and Nile have a nice and a bit depressing conversation. I’m glad Nile receive more moments, with Falco no less. It’s two genuine good people chatting, and that itself is rare. It’s sad though that Nile is trying to cheer him up, but thinks his time is up; won’t be able to see his family again. I hope Isayama is merciful on him.

The entire jail scene with the main crew is great, filled with plenty of really good insightful character moments. Onyankopon did in fact run off to free Survey Corps to assist Eren. Called it I guess. It could have been a simple path. Unlock the cell, inform about the problem, and ask anything after the battle is over. Instead, these characters unleashed their personal feelings and thoughts that one would say, “It’s long overdue.” Not to say the writing has been lacking, rather how long it has been building up to reach to that certain point.

Take Connie for example. It was expected of him to rage and take it on Onyankopon. However, his anger isn’t solely based on currently. It’s his frustration and experiences since the beginning that have been eating him deep inside. I can’t argue back at him; not when he’s tearing up. You can really tell he’s tired of everything. Come to think of it, he has suffered a lot; losing his best friend Sasha, losing his family, and getting betrayed by his so-called friends. I’m surprised he lasted this long mentally.

Onyankopon is the only guy that I can genuinely trust from the Yeagerists and thankfully, he comes clean. It’s like what I thought; he had no choice but to follow Yelena’s orders. Otherwise, well, brain is served. This is the woman that headshot a guy just for complaining. It’s as if it’s translating the internet world of today; nothing but restriction and ridicule. You can believe his words based on previous chapters. All of his reactions were genuine; not a clue on what’s happening. I felt a bit sorry for him. Thankfully, Armin exist to believe his story. Good boy saves the day, just like in the anime.

The planning procedure is very interesting. The option that would benefit them the most is the rumbling. At least they won’t eradicate the race; just intimidate the world. One of the interesting parts is with Mikasa. She is still conflicted with what Eren told her about Ackerman. As believable that story is, Armin believes Eren has lied. It’s astonishing because Isayama made it very convincing with the past events, including the headache part, and to call it a lie is conflicting. It won’t be against the writing if it is a lie, but then, what is the truth. Perhaps Eren does know, but twist the truth somewhere.

I like the fact Armin picked up the problem with his friends. Everyone easily bought into Eren’s words and can’t think otherwise. This does confirm that Armin lied about crying for the Euthansia Plan because he doesn’t buy it not one bit. Luckily for Eren, Armin is a great best friend you can ask for; defending his action and believing there’s a real agenda behind everything. Plus, his argument is very convincing. It is likely that Eren was ambushed by Yelena with a plan that must not be turned down. We know how insane she is, so this makes sense. Furthermore, Eren is more towards on protecting his friends, rather than wiping out existence. If accept the plan, the rumbling option will be included. It’s a lot of work, let alone to think about, but it’s beginning to add up a lot.

Plenty of characters are getting their moments to input, so it’s Jean’s turn. He’s another character that has been receiving a good amount of developments. Here, it’s about his opinion on Eren. He still maintain the thought that Eren will send everyone straight to hell; he’s not entirely wrong about that. However, the fact is, he actually envied the guy. He’s irritated by him, presenting as a damn cool guy. That’s rather charming of him to say. Who said a horse can’t express love? Connie cools down and go with others as well. Now, it feels like a good uprising moment; encouraging and relieving.

The one part that continues to make me go in circle is why Eren did all of that to his closest friends, Mikasa and Armin. I know he has to stage an act, if Armin’s theory is on-point, but the reasoning, the explanation, and the disconnection weren’t necessary. I still remember that moment and it continues to upset me, like good God, guy. It is perplexing when Armin may have discovered the answer and it ties in to the beach scene, where Eren ask about wiping out the enemy across the ocean. Something tells me Eren wants the rumbling into full effect, rather than partially. Maybe what I thought before may be true after all. By that, I mean his way to sacrifice himself without making his friends worried. It’s complex, but at least Mikasa’s head is in the right place. I hope the real reunion comes really soon.

You got to love Jean for having the kintama to go straight to armed men and belittle them, putting them in their place. He is seriously shining a lot in this arc. All the soldiers in the cell are released, so those crybabies (higher-ups) can stop crying now. You got to respect Shadis for blaming on a bear, obviously shielding the young cadets. He really deserves better. Pixis has always been a badass, and being thrown to the cell did not stop that. It’s a good move to form a group for those who drank the wine, so if the roar occurs, they won’t disrupt others who haven’t.

I really like the symbolism with Mikasa leaving her scarf behind. It really feels like the last arc when she has done something unspeakable; her character that is. It is sad because it is something she holds preciously the whole time. You could see it as a way to address her freedom, acting on her own accord. Part of me thinks this is a death flag, but I believe she will be safe. I don’t know how the scarf will come in play in the long run, but the stepping stone got me moved.

Zeke is seriously turning the tide easily. He’s dominating everything there; titans, blimps, you name it. Reiner has no chance to come close to Eren. It’s just a massacre. Why even have Armin and others? Insurance? Yelena, oh man, talk about her sanity wearing thin. She is undoubtedly sick; enjoying the destruction sight and await for the world to change. Her sitting posture can define her lunacy. Just before Armin and other set off, she has one freakish face that can haunt dreams. Holy crap, my body was shaken with fear. That face, as well as the follow-up, is the face that screams, “Please help my lord and savior. Or else, I will eat you.” I know what I said. I don’t know if she’s on to Armin, but her smile definitely says failure is not an option.

One of my favorite parts of the chapter is the reunion that I didn’t think it would warm my heart. To begin with, Nile is a true gentleman, helping Falco to reunite with his loved ones. Colt, on the other hand, isn’t much because he was getting ready to kill Nile. I don’t blame him, but I was growing worry. Praise the sun, Gabi’s development payoff is kicking into high gear. She stops Colt and instead of unfortunate incident, it all goes smoothly. Falco is reunited. Somewhere, Erwin is smiling. Seriously, please have mercy on Nile, Isayama.

Gabi didn’t understand her action, but it’s a step in the right direction. This proves her heart has changed and her action speaks louder than her mind. First, she reacted as someone who believes in good people. Next, she feels and accepts the pain of her past actions that brought a young unforgiving enemy. Braus Family walks by and while the father believes in Gabi and Falco, Kaya wishes for them to be killed. Cold, but the damage is done. Usually, Gabi would react like, “So what? You’re part of the devils,” but she’s finally accepting the blame and take it all in.

Her development is very solid. It was helped by the slow process, digesting slowly on every part, large or small. It is too little, too late, especially taking the life of a beloved character, but that’s the idea. War can corrupt the mind of a child, whether it’s from manipulation or experience; Gabi is no exception. It’s similar to Reiner, only she has a chance to change and perhaps obtain a better life. She is still young and despite the damage is severe, she admits her faults, so it’s not like she won’t learn anything. I don’t know what Isayama has in mind for her conclusion, but hopefully forgiving.

As for Falco, he finally tells them the truth that he was responsible for the invasion on Marley. I like how very telling Gabi’s reaction is. If it wasn’t for the development, she would definitely pull an Eren from the infamous traitor scene. But now that she has mellowed out, let alone exhausted by this point, she doesn’t react anything but sadness. Those two went through so much hell as kids; it’s damning that they made it this far. As sad this situation has gotten, Falco goes further to the point he has grown up.

He confesses his love to Gabi. That’s right; about to beat the main cast in the race to love. In all seriousness, I’m surprised yet proud like a father to watch him confess like a man. The boy is all grown up. Now, this is a death flag, a classic one at that. However, it was more or less toned down since he did mention the reason for his confession. It’s only adding more to the total of suspense within this battle. It’s not guaranteed, because there are times where happiness prevail, but in here, it’s uncertain. I pray to God that he makes it out okay. I’m fine with this pairing and Gabi isn’t accepting his end to be here. The only hope is if Zeke gives a damn and realize Falco will become a titan if he roars. It all lies on it.

My other favorite part, perhaps the best one, is the last action before the enticing cliffhanger. As you already know, Zeke dominates when far range; no one can’t top him. That is unless you’re Pieck and carrying a powerful cannon shot. At first, I didn’t want to believe that she was killed by Floch and others. That would seriously piss me off. I already hate Floch, so doing this would boil me red hot. It turns out that the Cart Titan’s death was a lie and she fooled everyone. Translation: her MVP streak continues. I demand a figurine for my collection!

It’s damn clever to act defeated and let the titan dissolve slowly to convince everyone. Floch didn’t know who killed her, which led to Marlely soldiers to ambush and actually use the corpse for cover. Who said they ran out of ideas for usefulness? On top of that, the cannon can be used by men, so Magath aims and fires right at Zeke; so close on wiping his human body away. Honorable mention or MVP, Magath is the man. For a normal guy, he sure is a badass. Just like that, the table is balanced (for now).

The stakes are extraordinarily high. The suspense is insane. Zeke is down, but can recover. It’s only matter of time. Magath can’t get a shot from the angle, so that’s no longer an option. Reiner and Porco are still standing. Eren is standing. Falco and others are on their way. Armin and others are approaching. Who will reach to Zeke first? What is the destination? It’s a loose ball to grab to score a victory. It’s mind-numbing just by thinking about it. The possibilities are endless. Clearly and I know you’re going to hate me when I say this, especially if you follow me in other series,

“We’re in the endgame now.” I couldn’t resist. Seriously, it’s very likely that the next chapter is the endpoint.

This chapter was exhilarating, at times unnerving, and suspenseful. There were plenty of character moments that left me awed, proud, terrified, and sympathetic. The action was tensed. Some of the scenery and angle shots are really good, especially that destruction scene. There were plenty of interesting info that I am hunger for answers, but the battle must be dealt with first. So many death flags to worry about, but at least keep Falco alive. For God’s sake, keep one pairing alive, dammit. The suspense is killing me. The next chapter can’t come any sooner…

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #chapter 118 #review #spoilers

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