#it's a thing i'm sure many people have felt and it shouldn't be ignored since people feel it

[rubysunnday]

wanting was enough

requested by @omgbrcat: If you're willing to write for Nikolai, I'm ready to read.

a/n: they asked for fluffy... this is not fluffy like at all and for that i am sorry (i promise to write nik fluff to make up for it) ty ryn for your help

summary: Y/N has loved Nikolai since the day she met him. But now, as the blood begins to run, she has to come to terms with the fact that he'll never be hers.

The room was filled with people she knew, yet Y/N had never felt more alone or more broken.

Nikolai and Alina were engaged and Y/N found herself grieving for something she'd never had. It was an odd thing to feel a part of a group whilst also feeling a million miles away from everyone and everything.

She'd loved Nikolai since the day they'd met in the middle of Kerch, surrounded by people who wanted them dead. From there, friendship had been easy and when she'd sheepishly revealed her Grisha abilities to him - he'd enlisted Tamar and Tolya to teach her how to use them and control them.

Yet, despite the practice, her heartrender talents were still weak and, in Y/N's mind, pathetic. She understood that years of neglect and no practice would do that to someone, but it didn't help. Her confidence was non-existent and when she was surrounded by far more talented Grisha and a living Saint such as Alina, Y/N felt tiny.

Seeing Nikolai and Alina holding hands stung more than it should have. She was used to Nikolai being affectionate with people - affection was how he showed his love. But this was different. Y/N had hardly seen him since they'd gotten back to the palace and something had clearly changed between them.

Either that or it was all in Y/N's mind. She was spending a lot of time inside her head at the minute, doubting herself, doubting her abilities and her place in Nikolai's crew.

She could hear Nikolai's heartbeat from across the room - it's sound familiar and comforting to her in a way it shouldn't have been. Not anymore.

He wasn't hers and never could be hers.

She wasn't sure when friendship had turned to wanting and longing but it had. And she was trying her best to deal with it. To accept that he would never be hers.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Y/N turned and tried not to look startled at Nikolai's sudden appearance by her side. She hadn't even registered him walking over to her. Nikolai grinned crookedly at her and Y/N felt her heart swoop and glide like a bird in the breeze.

"Just wondering what your mother's definition of a big party is when this is a small one," Y/N replied, picking up a glass from a nearby tray and drinking its contents in one swoop.

Nikolai laughed, readjusting his weight from one foot to the other, his right shoulder brushing against Y/N's left. "She likes a party, what can I say. Anything under sixty people and it's intimate."

"I don't even know sixty people," Y/N replied. "I don't think I even know ten."

"It's never about the quantity of friends, it's about the quality," Nikolai replied. "A small, close friend group is better than a distant large one." He nudged her arm with his elbow. "I considered you one of my close friends."

Y/N forced herself to grin at him and tried to ignore how much the words stung at her heart. "Oh," she pointed over at Vasily as he stood up on the dais next to his father, "I think your brother is about to make a speech. You should probably go stand next to your mother and pretend to be interested."

Getting Nikolai to laugh was easy for Y/N, but even though she'd done it many times before, the sound still sent fire coursing through her veins. It wasn't the guarded laugh of a privateer. Or the forced laughter of a prince. It was just Nikolai's laugh.

"I'll be back," he warned, pointing a finger at her. "We need to discuss what you mean by pretending - I always find my brother fascinating."

"Of course you do." Y/N nodded. "I believe that, one hundred percent."

She watched as Nikolai disappeared into the crowd, appearing at his mother's side, ever the doting son. Y/N was impressed with herself that she'd managed to avoid bringing up the engagement. She hadn't had a chance to even mention it to Nikolai - it didn't seem appropriate. But she needed to know if it was genuine or just for show. She need to know for her own mind. How else would she ever be able to move on and accept she was stuck wanting for forever.

Vasily's speech started and Y/N zoned out entirely. He was a weasel of a human and represented everything wrong with Ravka in so many ways. He never had anything interesting or important to say.

It was only because she wasn't listening to Vasily that Y/N noticed the room gradually getting darker. The sun seemingly disappearing and then reappearing only to disappear once again.

She tilted her head back and, as she did so, two shapeless shadows smashed through the glass of the skylight, slamming into the ground and taking two of the first army guards out with them. One of the shadows grabbed Vasily and, in a blink of an eye, ripped him apart.

The screaming started instantly. Y/N's eyes focused on the shadows and she realised with cold horror that they were Kirigan's Nichevo'ya. At once, she began looking for Alina, who was safely on the other side of the room with Tamar and Adrik.

The Nichevo'ya shot towards her and Y/N dodged out the way, turning and running away - because what else could she do? They had no heartbeats and, even if they did, she wouldn't be able to take them down. She wasn't strong enough.

"Y/N!"

Nikolai snatched her hand and pulled her to his side as a table flew across the room, a body following in its path. Y/N gripped Nikolai's jacket for a moment before she let go and forced herself to take a step back, to create space between them.

"Down to the tunnels!" Nikolai yelled, raising his voice to be heard over the screaming. He began to move backwards, his hand still on Y/N's arm. "Regroup there!"

As Adrik and Nadia distracted the Nichevo'ya as best they could, the small party that had gathered behind Nikolai began to follow their now king and had down to the tunnels beneath the palace.

Y/N brought up the rear of the group, keeping one eye over her shoulder incase the Nichevo'ya decided to follow after them. But they seemed content to feast on those left behind in the ballroom.

She was so focused on making sure the Nichevo'ya weren't following, that Y/N didn't even notice cracks in the walls beginning to form and then splinter up and around.

Only when she saw the first piece of wall fall did she even realise what was happening. She turned around and there was no one behind her - they'd all made it through to the tunnels, including Nikolai, leaving her alone out in the corridor.

For a moment, she wondered if anyone would miss her if she disappeared.

Another piece of wall fell and, as it did, a Nichevo'ya began to appear from around a corner, it's shape constantly changing as the shadows withered and curled.

Y/N brought her hands together, searching for a heartbeat to control, but there was none. Of course there wasn't. They were made of nothing.

The cracks had reached the ceiling and more rubble fell down, smashing against the floor all around her. A particularly large piece fell away and Y/N threw herself back, barely avoiding its impact as she scrabbled across the tiled floor, trying to get to the tunnel entrance.

Her body wasn't cooperating, fear of the Nichevo'ya striking through her and rendering her almost useless. She tried not to look up at the skull like face forming in the shadows, but it was impossible to look away as it loomed over her. Almost as if she'd been hypnotised by them.

"Y/N!"

Hands came around her waist and they yanked her up and onto her feet. The roof was falling down around them now, large chunks of stone smashing into pieces on the tiles, the small bits flying back up into the air. Y/N felt something whizz past her cheek, leaving a stinging line behind.

Everything was a blur. As the rest of the ceiling came away, the Nichevo'ya launched forward, its tendrils snaking towards Y/N. They sliced down her arm and, as they made contact, Y/N brought her left hand to her right and felt something within the mass of black.

Focusing on that and that alone, Y/N forced it to slow down, to stop. Sensing danger, the tendrils came away, retreating back into the shadows. As they did, the ceiling gave way. Whoever had grabbed her from behind pushed her into the tunnels and then darkness obscured her vision.

"Y/N, look at me."

Hands rested on both her cheeks. A thumb stroked up and down her cheek bone. As her eyes began to adjust to the dark light of the tunnels, and the panic and fear began to fade, Nikolai came into view, his eyes full of concern.

"You good?" He asked softly, his eyes darting to her arm for a moment before coming back to her face.

"Sorry," Y/N said, blinking furiously. "I froze. I didn't mean to, I should've -"

"Hey, there's plenty of things we all should have done," Nikolai said gently, his thumb pressing lightly against her skin as he moved it up and down. "The Nichevo'ya do weird things to people. But we're safe, we made it into the tunnels."

Nikolai's words did little to reassure her. Instead, they made Y/N panic even more. She moved back from him and got to her feet, leaving Nikolai crouched in front of an empty space.

"You need to go see what's going on," Y/N said, putting more distance between them. "You are the king now."

A hundred different emotions filtered across Nikolai's face. His eyes seemed to grow slightly harder and his back straightened. As he went to speak, a guard appeared at his side and began to lead him away and down into the tunnels, leaving Y/N alone once more.

Y/N took a deep breath in and swore softly as she felt her arm burning and stinging for the first time. She looked down and saw a gash running from her shoulder down to her elbow.

Y/N winced as she tentatively pulled back the fabric from her arm, trying to see it better. The edges were bright red and blood was running down and to her wrist, dripping off her fingers.

She didn't feel fine but, for now, she pushed her pain and exhaustion aside, pushing herself off the wall she'd come to lean on.

The tunnels were organised chaos. Bodies lay against the walls, covered with blankets, flags, sacks - whatever people could find. Y/N walked, rather stumbled, down them, searching for her friends, hoping they were still alive and in one piece.

It wasn't long before she found them. Adrik was groaning in pain, swearing as quietly as he could as David examined his arm, his hands gently pulling away the shredded fabric from the gaping wounds on his arm and hand.

Y/N picked up her pace and rushed over to them, kneeling down beside David. "What happened?"

"Fucking Nichevo'ya," Adrik panted. He groaned, closing his eyes tightly as David pressed on the skin around the wound.

"Y/N," Nadia said, her arms around her brother, "can you do anything?"

"I'm not a healer," Y/N warned, her hand gently replacing David's as she took Adrik's arm.

"I don't care," Adrik said, groaning. "Just do something."

Y/N nodded. She took a deep breath in, trying to ignore the throbbing in her own arm. Her hands shook slightly.

David put a hand on her uninjured shoulder and squeezed it gently. "You can do it," he said quietly.

Y/N focused on Adrik's arm, on the skin and the blood thrumming through his veins and spilling out onto the floor. She could feel her energy seeping out through her body as she worked on Adrik's arm, trying to slow the bleeding and heal what she could.

As she did, she felt the pain in her arm gradually growing. It was hard to tell if the room was tilted or if she herself was tilting.

"Y/N," Tamar said softly. Y/N wasn't sure when she'd appeared. "Your arm."

"It's fine," Y/N said. She took a deep breath in as the pain got worse, her arm throbbing and burning.

Then, suddenly, it wasn't fine. Y/N felt the all to familiar feeling of nausea building up in her throat, her heart beat increased as her body ran out of energy.

Y/N swayed and she fell sideways and into David, the Durast doing his best to catch her.

Tamar was instantly at her side, her hand gripping Y/N's tightly. She pressed her fingers to her pulse point and Y/N felt the all too familiar feeling of someone else controlling her heartbeat.

"Adrik," Y/N muttered, slumping further back into David's chest, his arms wrapping around her.

"Nadia's got him," Tamar said, reaching her spare hand out to stroke Y/N's cheek. "You should've said something. Your arm is not fine."

Y/N closed her eyes, feeling the tears burning. She didn't know if they were from the pain or because of how useless she felt. "I'm fine," Y/N said, trying to sit up.

Both David and Tamar pushed her back down - neither one having to use much force at all.

"Nikolai!"

Y/N felt panic rise within her as Tamar summoned the now king over to them. Tamar glanced down at her, her eyebrows raised slightly, and Y/N realised her heart had also sped up.

Fucking heartrenders.

"What's wrong?" Nikolai asked, walking over to them.

He didn't see Y/N until he moved around David and saw her lying against him, blood pooling on the floor from the wound on her arm, Tamar's hand still on her wrist.

"Y/N, saints," Nikolai said, instantly dropping to his knees beside her.

Y/N vaguely realised that he'd shed his blazer and rolled his shirt sleeves up. His hands hovered over her arm, shaking every so slightly.

"She's losing too much blood," Tamar said quietly, trying her best to not alarm Y/N, who was gradually getting paler.

Nikolai nodded. "There's a healer down the tunnel with the courtiers."

Tamar, sensing Nikolai's hesitation, let go of Y/N's hand and stood up. "I'll go get them. See if you can find a bed or somewhere to lay her down."

Y/N didn't realise Nikolai had moved closer to her and slipped his arms around her back and under her legs until he lifted her up into his arms, adjusting his shoulder so that her head came to rest against it.

"David, stay with Adrik and Nadia," Nikolai said, taking a step back. "Tamar will be back soon."

Y/N was in too much pain to even try to fight Nikolai as he carried her through the tunnels. Through her half closed eyes, she could see the stares coming their way - the judgement and disgust all aimed at her.

But she didn't care. Because Nikolai was holding her close and, for a moment, she felt as if everything was ok. Nikolai was hers and only hers.

Everything faded away, leaving her floating around, relishing each touch, each way Nikolai's bare arms brushed against her.

"Y/N!"

She jumped slightly, her eyes slowly opening, taking their time to focus. Nikolai was knelt beside her, his hands cradling hers. Y/N realised that he was no longer carrying her and that she was lying down in a quieter part of the tunnels.

As her eyes focused, she noticed that Nikolai's eyes were red, his skin starting to go blotchy. Y/N moved her head slightly and saw Tamar kneeling behind her, one hand on her chest, the other on Nikolai's arm.

"Your heart stopped," Nikolai said quietly, when he noticed her confused gaze. "You went still and I..." Nikolai's voice cracked and he trailed off.

Tamar squeezed his arm as she stood up, leaving the two alone. The healer, who Y/N had only just noticed, also gave them some privacy, moving on to his next patient. Y/N glanced down at her arm and saw that it had stopped bleeding, the edges of the wound closer than they had been.

"I'm sorry," Y/N whispered, not sure what to say to Nikolai.

Nikolai raised his head, his eyes shining with tears. "Whatever for?"

Y/N didn't know. "I -"

"This is not your fault," Nikolai said, somehow moving closer. "None of this is."

One hand let go of hers, moving up to the side of her head. He began to brush back her hair with the pad of his thumb, the movement repetitive and calming enough it almost sent Y/N to sleep.

"Is Adrik ok?" Y/N asked, the memory of his ruined arm coming back at her with force.

Nikolai hesitated for a second. "He lost the arm," he said gently. "But he's alive, because of you."

"I could've done more," Y/N protested, tears leaking out the corners of her eyes. "If I'd been stronger or better -"

"The outcome would not have changed," Nikolai insisted, his thumb wiping away her tears. "Even the healer couldn't do anything more. What you did do, saved his life, Y/N."

Y/N nodded once, more tears spilling onto her cheeks. "Is this not improper?" She asked as Nikolai reached over to her other cheek, wiping the tears away again.

"What?" He asked, staring at her in disbelief.

"You're engaged," she said, her voice breaking on the last word as a sob broke through.

It took a second but understanding dawned on Nikolai's face and he let out a heavy breath, tinged with sadness.

"Oh, Y/N," he whispered. "You could've -"

"I couldn't, Nik," she said hoarsely. "I had to presume that it was just me - you had your eyes set on every other woman about and I -"

"No, stop that right now," Nikolai said, leaning close. "I... I have loved you since the moment I met you. I just assumed you loved Sturmhond, not Nikolai."

"I love you," Y/N said, her voice strong. "I love whoever you chose to be. Whether it's prince or pirate -"

"Privateer."

" - king or pauper," Y/N finished, her voice quiet as whatever energy had come disappeared. "I love whoever you chose to be. I just love you, Nikolai."

Nikolai nodded, tears running down his cheeks. He leant forward, resting his head against Y/N's chest and her fingers began to running through his hair and down to the nape of his neck.

She knew he was listening to her heart beating. She was doing exactly the same. The sound familiar and comforting for all the right reasons.

[glenechoslasher]

"Here With Me" ||

Arthur Morgan x GN!Reader

Rating: None

Asked by @photo1030

Ok, I gotcha….what about the first time someone tells Arthur they love him? Could be reader, m or f, or an existing character?

Oh I like this idea a lot and think it’s such a bittersweet feeling for Arthur, I won’t get into the meat of it, but you know how he feels about people calling him ‘a good man’, or just how Mary ended up treating him before she left. This man deserves the world, okay?

*

It had been an age since he heard those words, never had he thought he would actually ever hear them uttered to him, nor did he think he'd ever find the courage to mutter them aloud again to any living soul. He found himself undeserving of any kind words, living the life he had, he knew there'd be a mark upon his soul, and anyone foolish enough to accept him as he was, well they were just that: foolish. 

But there you were, admiring him from afar for so long that it almost felt like a fever dream when you two met. He'd brushed anything off at first, just thinking that whatever the weird spark he felt was just in his head, he always ignored those gut feelings because he felt that they didn't deserve to be had. But slowly, those large thick walls were chiseled away one by one over time. 

When you had decided to tell him how you finally felt, he wasn't sure what to do, he sat there unblinking, staring directly at you. What was he thinking? Why was he just… sitting there? You knew he wasn't one to delve into his feelings so openly, but your admitted confession had meant a lot to you, so your leg bounced up and down due to your nerves. You knew Arthur well enough that if you rushed him or made him feel like he needed to supply an answer right away, it wouldn't work out so well for either of you, but that didn’t stop you from assuming the worst.

As you sat there and allowed Arthur to think your confession through, you sat back and thought of all the ways he'd changed your life and the way you saw things, but most importantly, he always looked out for you, even when he felt that he shouldn't have gotten you involved in his life to begin with. Boldly, you reached across the wooden table that sat in the camp, the smell of fire and booze hung heavily around you, the lingering gang members that were awake were too drunk or tired to pay you two any mind. Your hand was placed on his, you didn't need to exchange words, you felt that he understood how you felt and why, well, you hoped he understood. 

Arthur was good at thinking of others, though he wouldn't care to admit it, always thinking of what was best for you, but never what was best for himself or you both. He was a stubborn man, but it was one of the many reasons you did love him. 

His silence wasn't odd, you preferred that he sat back to think things through rather than immediate dismissal, it meant that he was considering your words more than anyone could realize. But you loved to hear him speak, that gruff voice that you could never get enough of, and he graced you with the sound of it. 

“You uh, you sure you'd wanna love a man like me? You know what that means, don'tcha?” He asked you, his eyes stared at you beneath the brim of his hat. The light from the fire illuminated half of his face and he looked so beautiful, like a painting that was created with love and carefulness with each stroke. 

You just nod in response to his question as you sit across from him, a small smile across your face. “I do, yeah,” you say with a small breath of laughter. “I wouldn't say it carelessly, Arthur. Loving you with all of the ups and downs it comes with is something I'm willing to live with.”

Arthur listened to you once again, his jaw slightly clenched as he held back what he truly wanted to say, which would only be dismissing himself, and you smiled at his ability to bite his tongue. 

You couldn't help but chuckle at how his face contorted with so many emotions at once, and he just looked up at you with a hard stare, but it softened as soon as he locked eyes with you. 

“No matter what I say, you ain't gonna listen to reason, are you?” He asked you, his tone more gentle this time. 

You shook your head. “Nope. I've made up my mind. As grim as it seems, this world doesn't promise us anything, so why not take what time you have and enjoy it? You deserve it, Arthur.” Your grasp on his hand tightened, showing him you weren't going anywhere, he was stuck with you.

The gunslinger swallowed, how mouth suddenly dried as he nodded to your words. “It's… been a while since I heard ‘em, figured I never would again. But… it's nice to hear ‘em, ‘specially comin’ from you.” Arthur offered a smile as he continued to look at you beneath his hat, not wanting to give away just how happy you'd made him. Not yet. 

“I love you, that's all you need to know,” you assured the man, “you don't have to do things alone, you never had to, okay? Let me share your burdens with you, and if you don't wanna say it back yet, that's okay. I ain't going anywhere.” 

Arthur just nodded again, the smile widened, stretching his lips. “‘Course you ain't, wouldn't let you if you tried,” he said with a chuckle that followed. 

For now, those were the only words you needed to hear from him, you knew that with time and patience, that man who was so closed off to the world would allow you a glimpse of his heart.

[writing-with-gremworm]

A Bothersome Herbivore

I'm not sure when it happened, this tiny herbivore started clinging to me. It's hard to get a break since they follow me everywhere. When I nap, they nap beside me. When I eat, they follow along. Though, the latter is better than the time they slept so soundly I was able to leave them for a few days. When I went back to my normal napping spot they were sitting like a dejected mouse. They had teary little eyes, and their complexation was terrible.

I learned later that they slept through lunch, so they ended up just not eating the first day, and they refused to move during the weekend when I hadn't retuned yet. The worst part about it is they were so happy when I came back. They were like a stupid dog, so happy to cling to me again.

I let them be for a while. It wasn't really my problem, and they didn't actually bother me most of the time. They were surprisingly quiet.

"Why exactly do you follow around like a lost dog?"

"I dunno. I just like you. So, I stay with you, because you're safe."

It was weird. I shouldn't be safe for them. I'm just a lousy second prince with nothing in my future but disappointment. I am, and will always be, second best in the eyes of anyone else, so why is it that this creature clings to me? I still don't understand it.

The thing that irks me the most is that I started to worry about them. I woke up from a nap as usual, expecting them to be beside me. They weren't there. The little mouse had scurried off somewhere and that made me uneasy.

"This is bullshit."

I must have done so subconsciously, but I ended up looking around the places I usually went, expecting to find them there. I only found them when I returned to the greenhouse. They were sitting, waiting for me to come back.

"Leona!" They sounded so happy, their eyes lighting up as if the best person in the world was standing right in front of them.

"Ah." I had so many questions, but none of them mattered. 'Why did you wait? Where did you go? Are you okay?' They were here, so why did it matter?

We returned to routine. But one thing did change. I started leaning on them. I don't know if they noticed, they never mentioned it to me. This change ... felt necessary.

In time it felt stranger to be separate from them than to be near them. In a way, I guess I must have found them comforting too. So, it felt strange when one day, they started crying.

"What's with the tears?" I asked, not really expecting an answer.

"I don't know. I just- I." They sobbed quietly, sniffling and rubbing their eyes. They tried so hard to calm down, only to sob more. It hurt, hearing them quiet their sobs. I felt like I saw a bit of myself in them. Maybe that's why I spoke up.

"Don't force it, just sob okay?" It was a useless comment. They would probably cry for a while anyways. They did stop trying to choke back their sobs, though they kept sobbing quietly, as if they forgot how to cry loudly.

"I'm scared. I don't know if I want to go home or stay here. I feel unwanted either way. I don't know if anyone would miss me if I left, of if anyone in my world even realizes I'm gone. I'm terrified because it doesn't matter which world I choose. I'll be alone again in either world."

A beat.

Right, they needed to go home eventually. They weren't from this world. I forgot that somehow. Unlike Yuu, who was social, this one wasn't particularly close to anyone. Except maybe ... me.

"Oh? Aren't I right here? Do you think I'll forget you because you vanish for a little?"

"I-I ... I thought you were annoyed by me."

"Then why would I let you cling to me? I could have actively ignored you."

"But you ... you left me alone and I ..."

"So? People can change their minds. I'm not running from you anymore, so don't go running from me, okay?"

"Heh, hehehehe."

"Why are you laughing?"

"Sorry I just- I didn't expect you to say something like that. It's so sweet."

"Don't get used to it."

"Hehe, I know. I'm just ... Thank you."

"... It's fine."

Things were nice after that. We returned to routine.

Or, as close to routine as possible. I found myself gazing at them for longer than I intended. If they were still asleep when I was up, I would pick them up. If they were hungry, we'd eat early, or I'd get Ruggie to buy us snacks.

'Fuck.' I had fallen for them. It was confusing. They weren't particularly pretty, or smart, or even useful. Even so, I found them undeniably breathtaking. I couldn't look away from them.

It was juvenile, but I couldn't help but touch their hand. Just to feel their skin against mine. I wanted to kiss their forehead, to hold them in my arms, to claim them.

I'm no idiot. I know I'm handsome, I know my position, though lesser than my brother's, is coveted. I understand that being a member of royalty limits my options for love. Despite everything, I wanted them to stay with me. If nothing else, I just wanted to continue our days like this. The litte moments of warmth, their laughter, their joy. I wanted to bask in it.

When did my world stop being gray?

No, not my world. Just them.

It's still hard to justify waking up, to find a reason to move forward every day. But even still, I want to be selfish and be beside them. I wonder if this is what it means to feel safe with someone.

"I'm going to graduate this year. You've still got a few years left."

"... Yeah ..." They smile sadly.

"Come to me. When you finish. Find me, and I'll have a napping spot ready to share." It was a stupid promise. They might be blocked from my side. They might not even be able to understand me outside of school property.

But I think their smile was worth it.

--

"You've been sulking in that window every day, brother." A grating voice says, a smirk decorating the words.

"So what?" I glare, irritated by the interruption. I come to this window whenever I think about them. It seems like a spot they'd like. Or maybe they just liked me. Maybe after all this time they forgot me. It would be better that way. For them to forget me, they can live a different life, instead of being tied to the second prince.

"I was just worried. How can I not worry a little when you're my brother?"

"Piss off."

"Ah, I see you don't want company. Should I send your visitor away?" My ears twitch. It's rare I receive visitors. It's even rarer my 'perfect' brother bothers to tell me about them.

"A visitor? Haiz. I have enough sense not to turn visitors away." I shift, hopping down from the window ledge.

My heart is beating faster than I would like. It seems like my chest is going to burst at this rate. It will be disappointing if it's not them, so I shouldn't keep my hopes up.

"Leona?" A familiar voice chimes as I enter the room. They smile warmly at me and walk over, looking at me somewhat reluctantly.

"I'm surprised you actually came here." I hold out my hand. They take it carefully and I pull them into a hug, "Welcome home." I add with a whisper.

They tear up, hugging me tightly.

"Yeah, I'm home." They mutter. They feel warm in my arms. They feel like the keystone of an arch, holding me together despite being so small.

'So, I still love you.' I think to myself, closing my eyes and forcing myself not to do too much. I want to give them soft kisses, I want to whisk them to my room and cuddle with them. I want to tell them how much I love them. But the words don't leave my throat. I can't love them, not as a royal.

"Well, isn't this a nice reunion." That ruined it.

"And you're still here because? This is my guest. I thought you'd leave." I hiss, glaring at my brother.

"There's no need to be hostile. I'm just surprised you have someone close to you."

"Oh? Thanks, I didn't realize I needed to tell you these things."

"I'm not chastising you, I'm glad. Really. Ah, I should probably introduce myself to your lover."

"Lover?"

"Lover?"

"Are you two not? Ah, I'm sorry for misunderstanding." He doesn't sound even slightly apologetic.

"I-It's fine."

"... This is my brother. That's it, don't worry about getting close to him."

"Oh- okay." They smile sadly.

"Well this does complicate things a little. I had just convinced the elders to let you have your lover join you here. But if they're not your lover, then I'll have to clear that up."

"That won't be necessary. It'll be more convenient if everyone assumes we're lovers anyways." 'Though I'm not particularly fond of receiving help from you, I won't turn it away when it benefits me.'

"S-So then- Do I- have to pretend to be your lover?" They seem surprised, their face flushed a bit. It's cute. It makes me want to lick their cheeks and nibble on their ear.

"No, just act like before. Us spending so much time together will get the point across."

"Oh! Okay." They nod, seeming perhaps a little disappointed.

"Last time we spoke, I promised to have a napping spot pick out for us. I think I found one. Though, you'll have to sit on my lap if you want to lean on me." The window ledge wasn't wide enough to sit side by side unless you laid against the window.

'This spot is chosen partially out of my selfishness. If nothing else, then I can hold you tightly. Not that you need to know my reasoning.'

"That's okay. If you're okay with it, I mean. I've always kind of wanted to hug you when napping." They admit wanting to cuddle closer.

'I wonder.'

I pick them up, cupping their rear as they cling to me. They seem a bit surprised.

"W-We could just walk there-"

"We are walking there. What? Did you never wonder how I carried you before?"

"I never thought about it- This is embarrassing. I could just walk with you."

"Hm, no. You clung to me this long, cling to me more, won't you?"

"Leona." They whine.

I can't help but chuckle a little. This was warm. It felt nicer than just remembering them.

"Hey, do you love me?"

"What? I mean- yes. You're the closest person I have."

"I mean, romantically, sexually. How, do you love me?"

"T-This is very sudden- and I don't know how to answer- aah."

"That's fine. We've got plenty of time." I sit down, letting them situate themselves on my lap as we sit by the window. I wrap my arms around their waist, and rest on my chin on their shoulder.

"You're more affectionate than I remember."

"Well, I have to make up for the missed nap time cuddles somehow, right?"

"What? Hah, hahaha. Sure, let's go with that. Leona. I missed you."

"Yeah ... me too."

"I never thought you'd admit it ... so ... the question."

"Do you love me?"

"Yeah, that one ... was it, because you love me?"

"Yeah."

"W-wait really? Um! How so?"

"Hm, I'll tell you after you tell me. I did ask first."

"Hahaha, okay, that's fair." They lean into me, resting against my chest, relaxing in my arms. We sit there for a while, just enjoying each other's company. It doesn't really matter how they answer. We'll stay beside each other anyways. I can tell that much. They wouldn't have found me if they didn't intend to stay.

"Hey ... Leona ..."

"Yeah?"

They turn their head and move so their mouth is close to my ear before whispering their answer. Perhaps embarrassed, or worried that telling me loudly would hurt me. Regardless, the action was cute.

"I'm not sure. I've never felt anything like this before. I've never had the chance. So, I may not get it right the first time. I don't know what type of love this is."

"Okay, then let's figure it out together." I've waited this long, waiting a little longer should be fine. Besides, I'm with them now, so that is enough.

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

Amazing!! Ok so I’m not sure how this would work, but maybe for the Mira x reader she could be xaden’s older sister or something who was best friends with Mira when they were younger (and maybe they had mutual secret feelings)

Ofc then the whole traitor thing ruined that and Mira didn’t want to associate with her anymore (friends to enemies to lovers anyone?) - though the canon time line might have to be altered😅

And then say if mira spoiler was somehow actually aware of the rebel base and that her brother was alive and she was aiding the rebels bc she’s cool

And reader just so happens to be stationed at the house etc, and they haven’t seen each other in years but mira’s immediately like damn she just got even more beautiful (in her head bc why would a sorrengail expose weakness)

Anyway I picture them as a kind of opposites attract trope, where reader is badass but in a more femme fatale way, where she takes people down because they don’t expect a pretty girl with good hair and style to be a threat you know? Or even if she is a talented healer or something like that!

Anyway, feel free to ignore all of this, I’m just so excited that you’re writing for fourth wing!!! I can’t wait to see what you come up with☺️

*wipes dust off this request* I apologize for taking so long... needed more pain from Iron Flame apparently to get to this... I hope this will find the person who requested it. ✨🤍

Interlinked

Mira's head was spinning. Too much. It was all too much. Too many things to bring to life... quite literally. She flew fearing for her sister. Only to find a whole rebellion clan squirming right beneath her nose. Then there was her brother who she had wept for years. Who's death had ripped the last bit of Mira's caring heart out. Burnt it with all the things that had belonged to Brennan. She had morn all of it. Over and over again blaming herself for it.

Mira had hit her older brother when she first saw him. She felt his nose brake right beneath her knuckles but nothing had prepared her for what appeared right behind him. Mira had staggered back. Her face paling of last bits of color. She quickly reached for a necklace she never took off. Two iron rings interlinked together. The part of her she had kept hidden away from everyone's praying eyes. "YN", she barely breathed out. Because there was no way. You too have died. Your name was on the scroll. Right after the fight you both had. Right after the next that hunted Mira even now. "No", Mira shook her head. "I'm alright", Brennon said even with the blood dripping through his palm, his good hand squeezing your arm. "Yn", Mira staggered forward but you backed away quickly. An ache in her heart only grew as you spoke, "I'm still dead to you, lieutenant", your words were like poison. Seeping deep into Mira's skin.

That had been a couple of weeks ago. Ever since you had done a marvelous job at avoiding Mira. She only caught a glimpse of you in some of the meetings. Saw you mounting your dragon. Or up in the sky. You were lethal. So graceful one would not expect such power to be rooted in you. But... but that was what had always drawn Mira to you. While you two were little she thought that her job was to protect you. How wrong had she been? It was you who Mira should have listened to. You who she shouldn't have rushed to judge.

Mira's body collided with another person right as she turned the corner. She reached to steady the frame in front of her but the moment her fingers brushed over the skin... Mira blinked as you came into her full vision. Wind-swept hair, rosy cheeks, still in your flying leathers. "Watch where you're going, Sorrengail", you huffed, turned to outstep her but Mira quickly caught your hand, "Y/n, you can't run from me forever", there was a light plea in her tone. One that you knew didn't come easy.

"I have nothing to say to you", you yanked your hand out of her grip. "I do", Mira breathed, "There hasn't been a day that I haven't been thinking of you", she breathed and you couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh, "Oh, please...". You turned to face her, "You said it yourself back then in the courtyard. I don't belong in your world". Guilt rippled through Mira. She had been so naive back then. Eager to play by the books. Knowing only black-and-white truths. Rebellion mark had been a deal breaker then but now...

"Don't bother with it, Sorrengail", you hissed, "Don't call me that, you never called me that", Mira stepped closer to you, her eye's blazing. "That was before you gave up on us", you were inches away from her, nearly reaching for the dagger. "Do it", Mira urged you, "Stab me, slit my throat, jab it into my heart, because it will never come close to the pain I felt when I made the biggest mistake in my life". You took a sharp breath in, you didn't want to show your emotions, but you knew that she had caught that glimpse of emotions that shined in your eyes.

Mira reached for the necklace beneath her flying leathers, "I never took it off", she shook her head, "I never let go of you". You bit the inside of your cheek, trying to not break. To not let the years of anger chip away so easily. But this was Mira. Your Mira. The girl you had fallen in love with slowly even if you two were painfully aware that you might never have a chance to truly be together. Your chest heaved as you two stood there staring at each other. Your hand moved towards your neck, tugging away the same two interlinked loops. A soft cry slipped through Mira's lips as his eyes landed on the familiar metal. One that she had made for you.

But the moment of hope lasted only for a heartbeat as you backed away from her, shaking your head, "This changes nothing", you said quietly. "We can try. Let me prove it to you", Mira pleaded, trying to reach for you. "Prove yourself to my people first", you said bitterly, before turning away and rushing up the stairs.

[aqua-dan]

What advice would Mera and Arthur give teenage Garth if Roy was bullying him

Sorry that it has taken me so long to answer this, but to be honest, I've had a hard time formulating a response to it. I feel like there's so many different nuances that I have to explain and I don't even know where to start...

Okay, I suppose I'll try to answer the base ask first: They probably wouldn't have much advice for him. It would probably be something along the lines of "ignore him" or "try not to worry about it." Unfortunately, I doubt that either Mera or Arthur would have much good advice for him in a situation like that.

Beyond that, it really makes me want to ramble about Roy and Garth's early relationship because it is so messy and complicated. To be honest, Garth really wasn't around Roy all that much during his teenage years. They converged on a few missions through the Teen Titans, sure, but after Roy joined the team permanently, there wasn't all that many times that Garth got to interact with him. (Retcons have changed this a little bit, but.... I prefer this version...) In those few interactions they had, most of them were negative. Roy had a lot going on in his life and that caused him to lash out at people. This wasn't fair to them, mind you, but he did it to just about everyone.

Eventually, Roy started to grow a lot as a person and stopped being so much like that. The other Titans got to see his growth and they all grew pretty close. But since Garth was absent most of the time, he didn't get to bond with Roy the same way the other Titans did.

Because the very limited interactions they had were mostly negative, Garth held onto the idea that Roy was a total jackass and specifically didn't like him.

On Roy's side, that's not at all true. Yeah, Roy was definitely a douchebag when he was younger, but he does not hate Garth. The things he said to Garth that came off negatively weren't specifically about Garth. He would have said it to anyone in those situations.

When they started to interact as adults, they held two VERY different views of how their relationship was. Garth thought Roy not-so-secretly hated him (and also thought he was racist towards Atlanteans), and Roy probably felt fairly neutral towards Garth but also had a little bit of nostalgia about him by proxy when talking about the old Teen Titans. I think that he WANTED to be closer with Garth, so he defaulted to the old jokes and jibes that seem to have worked for the other members regarding Garth.

Garth... wasn't fantastic at standing up for himself when he was younger, so he didn't make it very clear how much those comments upset him. He would tell Roy to stop, but never really enforced it much, thus allowing Roy to think it was all part of the little "game" between them. He thought he was coming off as affectionate in his teasing, and Garth never set the boundaries in an adult fashion to make it clear how much he didn't like it. (That isn't to say that Roy shouldn't have stopped when asked-- he just didn't understand HOW serious it was.)

That was until Gargoyle manipulating their emotions sort of forced them to confront this whole thing. I very much wish that comics meta hadn't made it so the confrontation became slightly moot after that point. Regardless, Roy's reaction to Garth actually telling him what he thought about him/his actions is VERY telling about Roy as a character and how he viewed all of their interactions.

They still clashed after this, but also had some very interesting conversations where they were able to meet in the middle.

If I were in charge of writing for them, I would LOVE to go and explore their relationship more and build off of that conflict. I would love to set up a situation where they are forced to confront this stuff again.

I'm off topic now tho.... But my point here being that Roy really didn't bully Garth in the classic sense. He absolutely DID put Garth down and make him feel awful, but the vast majority of it came from misunderstandings, miscommunication, and simply not being around each other much. So many of their issues could be resolved if they just TALKED.

So idk if the opportunity for Garth to ask Arthur or Mera advice on this would even arise, necessarily? Garth didn't really talk to them about this kind of stuff, and also the situation was far more complex than your typical childhood bullying.

I hope this provides at least a somewhat satisfactory answer! And sorry that I don't have more specific things to say on the Arthur/Mera front!

[cloudwhisper23]

Hello! I uh, so

I was going to write a little ficlet inspired by @dire-kumori based on this post, but it got a lot longer than I expected. Since I feel less bad about tagging things poorly on Tumblr, I'm leaving it here. Hope you enjoy!

He couldn't breathe. No matter how much he struggled, no matter how many burning tears ran down his face, Michael wasn't strong enough to fight against the strange, rotting, purple man with his hands clenched around Michael's throat. As the world went black, the only thought in Michael's head was what did I do to deserve this?

Michael sat up in bed gasping for breath, shaking as tears ran down his face. His throat burned, but there was nothing wrong. "Michael!" his mother called from the kitchen. "Come eat some breakfast!"

Michael didn't acknowledge her. Those glowing eyes were still burned into his eyelids, but he couldn't remember the whole dream. It had felt so real, yet he knew it couldn't have been. If it had been, he would've woken up on the side of the road, not here in bed.

"Mike!" His mother called for him again. "Don't you want to say goodbye to your father before he leaves for work?"

Michael rubbed at his neck. It hurt so bad, and yet, there was nothing wrong, was there?

He heard his mother's footsteps outside his room, or at least, he'd thought they were his mother's. "Michael." His father stood in the doorway arms crossed. "Just because you don't have school today doesn't mean you shouldn't get up."

Michael turned his tear-stained face to face his father. The man frowned at his son. "Wipe those tears and get up. You need to watch your little siblings today."

Michael nodded, his hands slowly dropping from his face as his father left the room. It was always like that. Watch Evan, watch Lizzie. Couldn't Michael just have a day to himself for once?

A few hours later, Michael was leading his siblings to Freddy's as usual, when he spotted a strange man standing near the entrance. Michael stopped in his tracks, and his throat throbbed in pain. His hand drifted back to his throat.

"Is something wrong, Mikey? Did you forget something? Oh! I know! Evan forgot his toy again!"

Michael shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. "It's nothing."

A tug on his shirt interrupted him. Michael looked down to see Evan offering him his hand. Michael scoffed and just started walking again. The man seemed to notice this, and Michael registered the frown on his face. Or rather, what should've been his face. Michael wasn't even sure the thing was human, the longer he looked at it. But those glowing eyes were too familiar.

He hurried his younger siblings into the building, breathing easier when he saw the security guard. Elizabeth went off to go play with her friends, and Evan hovered uncertainly at Michael's side. Michael dropped himself into a booth seat, and Evan hurried to sit across from him.

[The living remember more than the dead, Michael Afton. It's simple misfortune that Evan went looking and could only find your corpse. He may think it's a nightmare, but you'll both realize the truth soon enough.]

"What?" Michael snapped. "You don't have to follow me around, you know."

Evan ducked his head in shame. "...Mikey?"

"Spit it out." Michael was in a bad mood, mainly due to that weird thing outside. Was he really the only one who'd noticed it?

"Are you okay?"

"What kind of dumb question is that?" Michael's throat burned with the volume, but he couldn't have people hearing about his nightmare. Not here in the diner. "I'm going to find something to do." He shoved a handful of coins across the table. "Go play an arcade game or something."

Michael walked away, still frustrated. That nightmare shouldn't have lingered for so long. Maybe he'd just been imagining things, and this whole situation was stupid. "Hey, Mike!" One of his friends called out to him.

Michael ignored him and stormed back out into the parking lot. He needed to be alone right now. He needed-

"Forget something?" A deep strained voice said from behind him. "Your two younger siblings, perhaps?"

Michael whirled, and the monster from his nightmares stood in front of him. The same glowing purple eyes, the same rotting skin. It even had a terrible smell. Michael stumbled away, "You-"

"You remember, don't you?" The monster followed after him. "I know what day it is. What week this is. Nobody is going to come help you. Evan's probably hiding from you under a table somewhere, and Elizabeth's too preoccupied with her friends. And none of your friends are going to bother."

"You... you're delusional! I just talked to my brother!"

"Did you? Did you talk to him? Or did you brush him off, just like you always do? I know what you are, Michael Afton. And you don't deserve the chance to live." The fingers closed around Michael's neck again, and he let out a weak wheeze.

It burned just as badly as it had in the nightmare. Don't cry, he kept telling himself. It's just another nightmare. This can't be real, it can't. Those were the thoughts in his head as darkness overtook him once again.

This time when he opened his eyes, he remembered the rasp of the monster's voice, and something about his younger brother. Fear burned through him, and he threw the blankets off his bed as he got up. "Michael?"

"I'll be down in a minute, Mom!" Michael shouted back, his throat burning in protest. It'll go away, Michael told himself. He pulled his shirt over his head and combed his fingers through his hair. Staring at his reflection for a moment, Michael realized how terrible he looked.

He ran to the bathroom and washed his face, hoping that it would help before hurrying to the kitchen. "I'm awake," he said.

The events went the same way as before, and Michael tried again and again to avoid the purple monster that day, but he'd always wake up back in bed with a sore throat. As if nothing ever happened.

"I'm awake," he said after who knew how many tries of this. Maybe the solution was just to avoid Freddy's today. He hadn't tried that yet.

Evan tilted his head curiously, examining his face. Like he was searching out a lie. With a jolt of realization, Michael noticed it was the same look his mother would give after Evan said he was fine after a nightmare. Lizzie rolled her eyes. "Well, duh."

"Be nice to your brother, Elizabeth," their mother scolded.

Their father didn't even look up from his meal to notice Mike's presence. Michael shouldn't have felt a pang at that. Surely his father could have said something. But no, he never commented on the conversation. Evan blinked, looking about as dazed as Michael felt, but neither of them said a word.

"I'm going to need to ask you a favor again, Mike. They called your mother in to work again today, so you'll need to watch these two." Their father finally looked up from his food. "And you will watch them, you understand? No dumping them off at Freddy's to go hang out with your friends."

"I understand," Michael replied. Evan's mouth twitched slightly, but the younger boy didn't say a word.

"Good. I'm heading out then." He got up and walked out of the house without another word.

Michael poked at his food, even as his mother went to collect his father's abandoned plate.

"You're going to listen to him, right? We're not going to just go to Freddy's, are we?" Evan whispered, right in Michael's ear.

"Of course I'm going to listen. What do you take me for?" Michael replied. If they didn't go to Freddy's, he couldn't get replay that nightmare, didn't have to risk it. And whatever the monster wanted, he wouldn't get.

The day was boring, that much was certain. Evan apparently felt too afraid to even go outside the house, and Elizabeth spent the entire day pouting in her room as Michael sat watching his younger brother play with stuffed animals.

His sore throat was gone when he woke up the next morning.

"Got a call from Henry today," their father said at breakfast that day. "Wants me to figure out what's wrong with Foxy. What do you say to a learning experience, Mike?"

Michael blinked. "You want me to..."

"Come with me to Freddy's."

"Will, who's going to watch the kids?"

"Obviously they'll all come along. But I figured Mike would want a chance to see. Foxy is his favorite, or so I've heard." His cool gaze settled on Michael. "What do you say to that?"

"I... sure," Michael felt his face lift into a proper smile for once. "Yeah, that'd be cool."

Their father drove them in to Freddy's that morning, and Michael felt a twinge of relief at the lack of a monster pretending to be a man outside of Freddy's. Perhaps all it had taken was that one day.

Just as they walked in the door, however, something grabbed his arm, and a hand covered his mouth. Michael didn't even have a chance to scream as the monster dragged him down the hallway.

"The cameras have blind spots. Did you know that?" The monster said to Michael.

Michael couldn't answer as the smell of rotting flesh drowned out everything. He dimly recognized rooms and suddenly they were both in the saferoom. The monster knew about the saferoom.

"What did I ever do to you? Why do I deserve this?" Michael blurted out as the purple thing shoved him to the ground.

"Everything. You did everything to deserve this," the monster replied. "This isn't the answer to the puzzle. We've gone through this enough times for that to be certain."

"Then why are you doing this? And what puzzle are you talking about?" Michael was begging for answers at this point, knowing that the monster always answered before killing him.

"I don't know. It used to make me feel better. And even if it doesn't solve the problem," the monster chuckled. "Well, it stalls it. If the day always resets, there is no need for a real solution."

Michael saw the hammer in the monster's hand. "What are you?" Michael asked, hoping for something to make sense.

The monster smiled, stitches pulling free from its mouth. "I'm not a what, but a who. I'm your future." With that, the monster swung the hammer, over and over until Michael felt nothing at all.

[Evan's shoes clattered on the linoleum floor as he dragged his father down the hallway. He'd seen the monster again, and it had blood on its shirt. Maybe it had failed this time, Evan hoped, but the monster vanished soon after that. "Mikey?" Evan called as he forced his father to help him search.

He didn't understand the importance yet. Maybe he never would. Nobody else seemed to remember Michael's death, yet Evan would wake up with the memory of Michael's body burned into his head. The vacant stares Michael would give from the ground in the parking lot.

He froze when he got to the saferoom. "Insolent child," his father muttered. "What would Michael possibly need from the-" He stopped talking. "Michael?"

Michael's mangled corpse was lying on the floor, blood slowly pooling out around him. A hammer was on the ground next to him. Michael's hands were curled around his head, but it hadn't been enough to save him. Evan knew that for certain as he numbly dropped to the floor. Freddy's was the problem. He believed it as fact now.]

Everything hurt when Michael woke up again. He couldn't even move. "Michael?" his mother called from the kitchen. Michael couldn't be bothered to even try to answer this time.

He heard heavy footsteps outside his door, and when it opened, he said, "I don't feel very well, Father-"

But it wasn't his father at the door. It was his baby brother. Evan was crying in his silent way, the tears just streaming down his face. "Mikey..." his voice was so tiny. "I had a nightmare, Mikey."

"I might be contagious," Michael replied.

"I don't care," Evan whispered, creeping across the floor. He didn't sit on the bed though. He sat down on the floor, his chin resting on Michael's blankets. Not close enough to make Michael's body scream more than it already was. "You probably don't want to hear about my nightmare either." He sniffled. "But you can't get away from it this time."

This time? In some of the previous loops, Michael vaguely remembered Evan's strange clinginess, but that was normal for him. The nightmares were normal too. Michael was probably just paranoid. Evan was probably talking about one of the other times he'd been in the loop. (If that were true, why would Evan's behavior change from day to day?)

"Fine. Tell me about it then. But don't expect me to care."

Evan rubbed his face. "I told Daddy that you couldn't babysit today. I knew you wouldn't be feeling well. Because the monster hurt you yesterday."

Michael was more alert now, trying to sit up. "Wha-"

"Don't hurt yourself, Mikey." Evan's eyes weren't on his face. "He did it with a hammer. Maybe you remember, or maybe it all really is just a nightmare. But I've seen him. I see him Mikey. And I know it's him doing all this."

"Evan..." Michael felt tears building up behind his eyes. Don't cry, he told himself. "It's just a nightmare," he lied.

"It feels so real," Evan whispered. "I could smell the blood, could feel the fabric of Daddy's shirt when we went to find you. But you were already dead. The monster got to you so fast." His voice broke. "We were barely in the door, and you were gone."

His eyes fixed on Michael's face finally. "Please, please, please believe me. It's why everything hurts today. It's why you're not feeling well. Before he killed you in the saferoom, he'd been killing you outside. Strangling you when no one was looking. Mikey, we gotta stop him."

Michael felt tears leak from his eyes. "Evan..."

"It's not just a nightmare. I know it isn't. You remember too, don't you?"

"I do," Michael whispered back. "But how do we stop him, Evan? He's basically an adult, and neither of us are strong enough to overcome an adult."

"We'll figure something out. I don't want you to die, Mikey."

Michael nodded silently, and he curled up in his bed. "Well, I'm safe for at least one day, so long as we don't go to Freddy's."

"We won't," Evan replied. "Daddy put me in charge since you're sick."

"You're too young to be in charge. And you keep getting accidentally locked in the storage closet."

"You did that!" Evan responded in protest. "I wouldn't get stuck if you didn't-"

"No, you wouldn't get stuck if you didn't stick your nose where it didn't belong." Michael retorted.

Evan opened his mouth to argue, but Elizabeth popped her head into the room. "You don't sound sick."

"You don't need to sound sick to be sick, Elizabeth," Michael replied flatly. "It hurts to move."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't spend all day every day doing stupid things that could get you killed."

"Where'd you pull that speech?" Michael snarked. "I know you're not smart enough to come up with it on your own."

"Daddy says it often enough that I don't need to steal it. You just don't listen." Elizabeth seemed unfazed. "You just want an excuse not to do anything."

"That's not it!" Evan interjected. "He's really not feeling well, Lizzie."

"Wow, got him on your side, huh?" Elizabeth wrinkled her nose. "Well, at least I know the truth."

They got through it pretty easily. The first day, at least. Michael got cold and clammy the second day, since he knew the monster was actively waiting for him now.

"Does he ever... talk?" Evan asked after Michael refused to go to Freddy's with his father, and the man left for work.

"What are you two even talking about? Since when did Michael stop hating you?"

"Elizabeth," their mother replied sternly. "Be nice."

"Ugh!" Elizabeth threw her arm across the table, knocking a full glass of orange juice onto Evan. He yelped as the sticky liquid soaked into his plushie's fur.

"Not Fredbear!" Evan wailed, his question forgotten in the moment.

Michael plugged his ears to tune out his little brother. He did not need this. Not while he was already suffering through everything else. He noticed his mother wiping down the table with a rag, a frustrated expression on her face, and he dumbly decided to go outside.

"Mikey!" Evan called, sounding panicked. "Wait!"

Evan followed him out, and Michael immediately stopped. "This is stupid. I'm placing my trust in a nine-year-old."

"I'm smart for my age," Evan replied defensively. "I'm also the only one who knows what's going on."

"Right, I'll take you really seriously with that orange juice all over your shirt."

Evan looked down, and Michael started walking again. This whole thing was so stupid. He could just walk out of town, never to be seen again, and that would be his consolation. He could get out of all of this pretty easily since the monster had no idea of knowing where he'd turn up again. All he had to do was disappear.

Unfortunately, that idea was foiled by the small child following behind him. "Evan, you can't come with me."

"Where are you even going?" Evan persisted. "You can't just sacrifice yourself in hopes that it'll solve anything."

"I'm going to disappear. If the monster can't find me, he can't kill me."

"Mikey..." Evan's voice sounded whiney.

"You can't come, Evan. I mean it. If you're really stuck watching me die over and over again, then this should be a welcome relief. If I can stop the cycle, then I should."

"But-"

"Go home."

Evan stopped on the sidewalk, watching his brother continue walking. "You didn't even finish breakfast," he whispered.

Michael woke up in bed again, and he nearly cursed. That last one was a cheap shot. He'd barely made it out of town and the monster had managed to steal his father's car to hit him with it. He still felt sore, but this morning, he threw the covers off and got up for the day. He felt in the mood to yell at the monster today.

Evan's eyes followed him through the kitchen, and when Michael brought them to Freddy's, he couldn't be swayed. "I'm just going to talk to him, Evan. You don't need to be around."

"He waits until there's no one around, Mikey. It's why you keep dying."

Michael ignored him, pushing the door open. Surprisingly, the monster wasn't standing outside like he had been. Michael convinced Elizabeth to drag Evan along while she went to play, and he went to talk to his friends. He waits until there's no one around.

Evan managed to escape Elizabeth after a short while, and he went on his search. He found Michael with his friends, all of them chatting and laughing. "Mike." Evan tried to interrupt.

His brother scowled. "I'm fine. Go away."

"No." Evan stood his ground, looking braver than he felt.

"How about we teach him his place, Mike?" One of the kids said. Evan couldn't care to remember his name.

One of Michael's other friends grabbed Evan around the waist and threw him over his shoulder. "Come along, little buddy. It's time you learned an important lesson."

"Mike," Evan called out, more angry than afraid. "Michael."

Mike ignored him, even as the call got more desperate. "Mikey. You gotta listen-"

The purple monster was lurking, but for once his gaze wasn't on Michael. The monster's lip curled as he made eye contact with Evan. Don't hurt him, Evan thought at the monster. But the monster was already on the move.

"How do these things work again?" Michael's friend asked.

"They're suits," Michael explained unhelpfully. "This is a springlock suit, and if you move too much while in it, the springlocks activate."

"So it's a little trap, huh?" Michael's friends crowded around. Evan was the only one to notice the absence of Michael's third friend. The Chica mask had remained, but Evan already knew the poor kid's fate. He understood the implications now. The monster was trying to protect him.

"So, if we put the little guy in there, he won't be able to follow us around for a while?"

Michael frowned. "There's a certain training that you have to go through-"

"Yeah, yeah. But it's basically a mascot costume, right?"

Already, Michael's friend in the Freddy mask was dragging Evan toward Spring Bonnie.

"Wait." Michael's voice was more hesitant now. "You shouldn't-"

"Aww, boo hoo. Afraid, Mike? I thought you were supposed to be tougher than this."

Evan met Michael's gaze. They both knew that Michael would come back if he died in the loop, but that was after Evan saw his body. Every time Michael died, the loop wouldn't reset until Evan laid eyes on the body.

"Guys, seriously." Michael's eyebrows were bunched now. "Let him go. The suits can be dangerous."

"Who are you to lecture us on danger, Mikey Boy?" the other kid laughed. "Go on then, demonstrate why exactly we shouldn't put the baby in the suit."

Michael's shoulders straightened. He knew exactly how to set off the springlocks. "Mikey-" Evan tried. He didn't want to see Michael die like that.

"Shut up," Michael responded softly.

The two other boys looked nervous. "You don't actually have to, Mike. It's just a joke."

"Yeah."

But Evan was already inside the suit. The only part he didn't have on was the head, and that was only a partial victory.

"No." Michael's voice sounded guttural, dangerous. "If that's what it takes for you to leave him alone, then so be it." He was fluid as he put on the Fredbear suit, not hesitating during a single step. "This," Michael said, lifting his chin, "is a springlock failure."

It was like he knew exactly how to set them off. All of the springlocks went off simultaneously, and Evan dimmly registered his own screaming as the other two boys ran from the room. Michael's jaw was taunt, but his face betrayed his anguish.

Evan could almost cry when the monster arrived, set off by the screaming. "What have you done?" The monster snarled.

"Save him!" Evan's eyes were dangerously wet. "PLEASE."

The monster was swift, disassembling the springlock suit faster than Evan had seen a single person ever do it. Then the monster turned to the Spring Bonnie suit that Evan was trapped in.

A single tear dripped from Evan's eye, and the springlocks were in motion.

Miraculously, the monster decided against taking the suit apart, instead yanking Evan free from it. The suit scratched him as he pulled free, but Evan was safe. Evan ignored his bleeding scratches and rushed over to his own brother, unsure of how to stop the bleeding.

The monster rose from the ground. "I assume this was his idea?" the monster growled.

Evan shook his head desperately. "Mikey told them not to. They didn't listen to him."

Michael choked out a laugh. "Thought you knew what happened all the time. Like you were psychic or something. Always able to find me. Guess I was wrong."

The monster's mouth tightened, pulling free stitches. "That's not funny."

"You were the one that said..." Michael coughed. "You said you knew what was supposed to happen this week."

"It wasn't this," the monster almost seemed remorseful. "Evan, go find your dad. I have something to take care of."

"You're going to kill him again?" Evan asked, wiping his face. "After all that? If it wasn't for Mikey, I'd be the one-"

"I know that," the monster growled. "I mean, there was something else I came here for. Not specifically to kill him." The monster gestured for Evan to follow.

"But-"

With a scowl, or what should've been one, the monster pulled off his own shirt, revealing even more torn purple skin and stitches. Evan's vision swam as the monster offered it to Evan. "I'll take care of everything. Just..." he didn't seem happy about this next part. "How loud can you scream, Evan?"

Evan's voice was sore by the time Michael was in the hospital. He sat on his mother's lap, hunched uncomfortably so he could reach his brother's hand.

A medically induced coma. That's what his father had said, fury evident in his expression. "When I get my hands on those boys-"

"Don't hurt them," Evan whispered. "They've already earned their punishment." He could guess now at what the monster's objectives had been. It wasn't exactly clear, but the way the monster had reacted instantly to all of Evan's demands suggested that the monster thought he was doing Evan a favor in killing Michael all those other times.

Maybe Michael would've always put him in that situation, Evan reflected. But the time in the loop made Michael more reluctant to follow through.

Evan just hoped the monster would leave them alone now. That the monster's objective had just been to protect him from this situation. It could've easily been Evan in that hospital bed, he knew. But when Michael woke up, everything would be okay.

It just had to.

[bluebudgie]

Behold! The long announced whiny pissbaby gamer rage essay that noone on the internet asked for.

Disclaimer up front: This is about Eff Eff Sixteen. If you're a fan of this game I advise you to just ignore this because I genuinely don't want to piss into your morning coffee with my negativity. I will rip this game several new assholes. You have been warned.

FAQ Q: Don't you have anything better to spend your time on than writing a ridiculously lengthy internet text post about a video game whose existence you are free to simply ignore? A: Yes, but this matter is personal. I'm writing this for the sake of carthasis. Closure. To be free of the rage that has possessed me for the past months. Q: Have you tried touching grass? A: I have sat in a field of grass for a prolonged amount of time prior to writing this. I am beyond the need of touching grass. Q: Do you expect anyone to actually read all this? A: No.

Spoilers ahead, obviously. Let's go.

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Table of Contents

Introduction: Is this the worst game ever made? 1.1 It's personal 1.2 Pre-release & producer statements

The battle system

The narrative 3.1 Storytelling and morality 3.2 Pacing 3.3 Visuals 3.4 Characters 3.4.1 The game's biggest mistake 3.4.2 The state of women 3.5 Music

Credit where credit is due 4.1 It's personal again

Conclusion

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1. Introduction: Is this the worst game ever made? What a strange way to start, you may think. Shouldn't this question rather be addressed in a conclusion at the end? I want to set the record straight from the start: No, it is not the worst game ever made. All things considered I don't even think it's the worst game of its series. And yet I have never in my life felt such unbridled hatred for a video game, or honestly, any piece of entertainment media I can currently think of. Why is that?

1.1 It's personal Usually I'm pretty good at doing the sensible thing people should do when they don't like something - ignore it. Why bother wasting your energy deliberately seeking out something that you know will make you angry?

Hear me out for a moment, I'll have to go on a tangent here.

I didn't actively get into the series until a year before FFXIII released - which at this point in time is 15 years ago now, but considering we've had only two more (singleplayer) mainline games since then, it's still a relatively late entry point. This is to say: I don't think I'm wearing the worst nostalgia goggles, but I do have a long history with the series nonetheless. These games have played a big role in my life for those past 15 years.

I used to roll my eyes at the "the series died after FFX" crowd. FFXII is one of the best in the series, sure FFXIII was a landslide miss for me, but... that's one game, right. Then FFXV's release drew closer. I did not like what I saw, for many reasons I won't detail now. What did I do? I blacklisted the game's name on all social media platforms, and didn't hear anything about it anymore. To this day I haven't actually seen much of it, though I do know the rough outline. And I know that while the game has a dedicated fanbase, it has also received its fair share of harsh criticism.

Why am I telling you all this?

1.2 Pre-release & producer statements

A few years ago, FFXVI was announced. And I have to be honest: I was negatively biased from the start. I hadn't been happy with SE's general direction for years and I wasn't particularly hopeful for this entry either. But - and I want to make this very clear - I was open to give this game a fair chance. The announcement trailer didn't really hook me but it looked alright, some visual and audio gripes aside. I was... cautiously curious. Not quite enough to call it optimistic, but I wanted to be hopeful.

You know what's excellent at crushing hopes? Game producer interviews that range from "that's a severely stupid opinion to have but you do you" aka (paraphrased) "our traditionally turn-based series can't be turn-based anymore because in order to get the production costs covered we have to appeal to the masses, and the masses are kids who love action and not outdated combat systems in which you have to navigate menus to act" (source); to downright offensive statements such as "we are creating a fantasy world based on reality and therefore black people can't exist in our european medieval setting" (source); and "I have gamer pride so I don't want to feature an easy difficulty setting in my game" (source - for clarity's sake there are accessibility options in the game in the form of equipment that helps simplify combat, however the statement itself is still really goddamn stupid).

And I know these statements have been called out by some - but it definitely didn't blow up as much as it should have considering the popularity of this franchise. It's an open secret why this is the case (if you're out of the loop: the game producer in question is an untouchable god with a really large cult fan following), and quite frankly I believe this is probably where the first seeds of my hatred were sown. Knowing that no matter what FFXVI was going to be it would have people defend it out of their blind commitment to the team behind the game's development, left a.... spiteful aftertaste in my mouth.

Ironically looking back now, and plain offensive statements aside, my biggest concern for the game itself was actually the combat system. I'm definitely part of the old-school "a main series FF game needs turn-based combat" crowd. Oh sweet summer child.

At this point I decided it would be better to go the FFXV route (which, by the way, had some similarly stupid dev comments at its release). All marketing made it clear that I was not the target audience for this game, so best to just ignore its existence.

That worked... alright...ish... until the demo's release. I guess you could say curiousity killed the cat. I decided to take a look at someone's playthrough... and that's where my initial "pissbaby gamer rage" draft that I ended up not posting came from. Go big or go home, if I wanted to be angry about this game in public I should at least be fair and wait for the full release. Not judge the game by its (admittedly generous in length) demo. Get the full receipts, see it for all that it is in its entirety. I think in a way I still didn't want to give up hope completely.

And that's where we are now, two months later I've watched a full playthrough of the game including all sidequests. It's been a wild ride to say the least.

2. The battle system

Let's get this out of the way before we finally get to the really meaty part: As mentioned earlier my primary concern before release was the combat system since it's so far removed from the older entries of the series. Ironically, of all things, this is probably the smallest issue I have with the game now.

I still don't think the combat is good, mind you - this is mostly a matter of personal taste but I'll never see how button mashing and a series of QTEs overlayed over 20 minutes of cinematic cutscene is supposed to be more impactful or fun than the oh-so-outdated turn based menu inputs. Then again, I didn't play the game myself and can therefore obviously not judge how good or bad it feels in the heat of battle. I say "button mashing", by the way, as what I've gathered from other people's reviews - who genuinely enjoyed the game - the combat is really watered down and repetitive in comparison to games with similar systems like the DMC series. While you do pick up new abilities over the course of the game it seems like once you've found one combination that works you can solve every single battle following those exact inputs. This is one of the two really big complaints about this game I've seen consistently in almost every review.

Speaking of combat, the game has the weirdest way to pull you out of the action and emotional moments by freezing mid cutscene, showing a "you won the battle - here's your loot" screen while blasting an epic choir rendition of the classic FF fanfare, before picking that same cutscene right back up. I don't know who thought this was a good idea, but it's honestly jarring. For an extremely cinematic game that supposedly wants to break with "outdated" traditions, implementing that very video game-y results screen is a strange choice.

You could say this last point is nitpicking, and if this game had no other issues I would probably not mention it at all, but as it is this little detail is indicative of a much, much larger issue.

3. The narrative

[The sound of cracking knuckles can be heard in the distance.] Let the slaughter begin.

Prior to release the game was marketed as a departure from the rest of the series - the setting was advertised as a darker, more mature, political intrigue for an adult audience. ('But the masses of kids that like action com-' Who? What are you talking about?) Because as we all know, no other FF game has ever been dark before (/sarcasm).

What we got was storytelling and character writing with about the maturity level of a twelve year old teenage boy in his edgelord phase making his first Game of Thrones fanfiction drafts. This game oozes of sexism, really stupid slavery allegories, the most dumbed down black and white morality with a matching set of one-dimensional black and white characters, godawful pacing and some of the worst NPC dialogues I've ever had to witness.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

3.1 Storytelling and morality

So this dark and mature political story... I'm still searching for it. I know GoT started this trend where writers will use "politics" as a buzz word to make their games look complex (FFXVI hasn't been the sole offender in the past years). Then they expose you to a few kingdom names, show you a map with territories, drop a few year dates with barely any significant relevance to anything over the course of the game, and pretend that's a deep political intrigue. I have news for you: It's not.

Alright, then... this dark and mature... oh. Oh you mean that's because there's a plethora of blood splatters and people say "fuck" and "cock" and "whore" and there's goofily censored sex on screen? Ah... oh. Alright, I see. If that's what you'd call that... sure.

But surely the people who are tattooed like cattle and used as slaves due to being born as magic users will have an interesting role in the story dealing with the very delicate topic of slaver- ...oh, uh... what do you mean the perfect king beloved by everyone is the good guy because unlike all the other people who held slaves, he treated his slaves nicely? And, before you ask.... No, this isn't some sort of commentary the game wants you to question. This guy is unironically, unambiguously portrayed as the perfect good guy. Brought up many, many times for how flawless he is.

And that... is where we're diving into one of this game's biggest and most glaring issues. The writing is so mindnumbingly black and white with not the slightest room for ambiguous or grey morality it's painful. Everything and everyone in this game is always either good with no failings - or so stupidly evil they may as well be a bad saturday morning cartoon villain.

Good characters are always good, and always act out of the pure kindness of their heart. When you think a good character fucked up and actually did something bad, it will later be revealed that either it wasn't them at all and it was all a scheme, or they were possessed by the big baddie and therefore not actually responsible for their actions. Can't possibly risk anyone appearing like a realistic person with character depth now, can we?

And don't worry, just in case you have an extremely bad case of media illiteracy with the slightest hint of doubt of anyone's alignment on the binary moral chart, the game will make sure to overexplain literally every tiny detail to you in the worst way possible. You see, the evil woman right at the start? The one who looks really evil and moves really evil and the first thing she does is being mean to the slaves and being dismissive of her own son? In case you didn't get yet that she's evil, there will be guards whispering about how evil she is when she leaves the scene. Also a scene later the good perfect king will point out how evil she is. And worry not, in case you forget in the few hours she's not on screen, characters will make sure to remind you how she has not a single redeeming quality and every breath she has ever taken has been filled with evil.

And this might sound like I'm exaggerating. But the game is like this with Every. Single. Thing. Sometimes I found myself genuinely wondering if the writers were actively trying to insult the player's intelligence with this condescending amount of overexplanation. Characters constantly comment on everything that is visibly happening on screen - for God's sake if you want to make a modern game that moves away from "outdated" mechanics then write it this way. If you show what is going on with detailed realistic graphics, you do not need characters monologuing a description of what they're seeing. You do not need to voice a character saying "I'm sad" when you can clearly see their facial expression. You do not need to make a character loudly ask himself with noone else present by his side "Is he hallucinating?" when showing another character's hallucinations. Old games did that because they had limited visual capabilities. If you sit on your high horse talking about moving the series forward while spitting into your old playerbase's faces, then do it right at the very least.

Once in a while you'll be exposed to some textbook philosophy theories, which in essence wouldn't be a bad idea at all if those philosophies were somehow smartly woven into the game's narrative… but instead you get characters quoting essentially the wikipedia summary of what that philosophy is about and call it a day.

I wish this was the only issue with the game's writing.

3.2 Pacing

This game's pacing is atrocious. Genuinely, utterly awful. And there`s mostly one thing to blame: Sidequests. If you've heard a single criticism for this game even from people who highly praise it, it's this.

The sidequests are absolutely horrendous filler content on so many levels. Gameplay wise they're usually "follow 10 meters of a linear corridor to defeat an enemy and then grab a carrot at the end" fetch quests. Visually they are not just a nose dive but an entire plane crash compared to the well animated main quests, consisting mostly of the same three reused conversation animations from FFXIV (I'm all for reusing assets if it helps developers save time, work smarter not harder, but this one is blatantly obvious in all the worst ways). And the writing.... oh boy.

NPCs go on and on and on and on having the most blandly written expository dialogue. I get that the writer's intention was to give the world a bit of context and make it feel more alive with random people telling you about their life stories and everyday hurdles, but they failed miserably at making this remotely engaging. They may as well have had people read the dictionary. And maybe this would have worked better as purely written textbox dialogue (if about half of the dialogue was cut, which would still leave more than enough padding around the actually relevant information) - but in a game with voice acting, making people audibly speak in ways noone would ever speak to another person, just doesn't work. It's stilted and unnatural, and really awkward to listen to.

Delivery aside, the stories told in these sidequests vary from "farmer's everyday life issues about growing their crops" to "random child ends oppression by convincing an angry mob of adults they shouldn't be stoning someone because that someone has been a valuable asset to their society (by reminding them they need to keep the streets clean) and suddenly every adult in range is free of bigoted feelings". And then everyone in the bus clapped, I guess. And again, I get the intention behind these stories but they're so clumsily written.

And yes, these are sidequests - you are free to ignore them. But they do make up a considerable chunk of the game. And, unfortuantely, a fair handful of the main quests follow this same fetch quest formula.

This game goes long, very long stretches without anything substential happening. And it's good to have downtime to breathe - the game's big main story moments pack a punch in terms of epic adrenaline filled battles. But this game honestly feels like 60 hours of filler fetch quests with the occasional relevant story sequence sprinkled in between.

3.3 Visuals

I'm not a film student so maybe it's not my place to comment on cinematography, but I felt like visually many of the cutscenes were also really... bland. Not necessarily bad looking (if you can see anything behind the millions of particle effects) but it definitely felt like less care was put into choosing narratively interesting image composition compared to a game like FFXII.

And then it also does this really annoying thing where it will constantly fade to black for absolutely no reason.

Character A: Oh that seems like an exciting story! Tell me all about it. Character B: Okay, so this is a long story... [screen fades to black] [screen fades from black to the exact same shot we had before the fade] Character B: So the story goes like this... (starts telling the story you thought was told off screen indicated by the black sreen)

This and similar instances happen fairly often and I just don't get why. It's nothing to hate the game for but it's just... really strange. Just like those really silly "In the meantime..." text overlays for scenes that are very clearly happening in the meantime. Seriously, we get it. You don't have to spell it out. But whatever, this is one of those things I'd look past if it weren't for the whole rest of this trainwreck.

3.4 Characters

Speaking of trainwrecks. [Takes a deep breath] I've avoided this topic for long enough now. This is where the last seams that hold the game together break and make it fall apart entirely. This is where the pile of shit that's been tossed across the room finally hits the fan.

If you're remotely familiar with any Final Fantasy title you know how important a solid cast is to those games. Your allies and party members you meet over the course of the game, their stories and views on the world's happenings... a charismatic villain. Well, how about we just simply didn't have any of that.

3.4.1 The game's biggest mistake

FFXVI's writers made the decision to focus the game's narrative around a single character, our playable protagonist. There is a small supporting cast of characters that you meet, and occasionally travels alongside you temporarily, but most of them have... not much to them. The game makes it clear: This story is about Clive, and him alone.

And... I don't think having a story focused on a single character is necessarily a bad decision per se, even if highly unusual for a series that was driven by party systems for decades, but... If you decide to do that, then your protagonist needs to have more personality than a soggy wet sponge. It's bad enough that pretty much noone in this game has any sort of depth to them, but if you sideline literally every character in favour of your protagonist's narrative then... at least give that protagonist a character?

This man's personality is nothing beyond helping people because it's the right thing to do. The attempted "he feels guilty for killing his brother" (which naturally he didn't actually do, because that would be too complex of a story) subplot gets dropped a few hours in and he's just... that guy who runs everyone's errands with no input of his own. And it doesn't make him unlikeable necessarily, it just makes him terribly boring.

What is really, really grating however is how every other character portrays him. Named characters and unnamed NPCs alike will throw pity parties for him over and over, going on about how he's so self-sacrificial, always doing everything for others while never expecting anything in return and never taking enough care of himself. It's exhausting. We get it. He's the perfect heroic nice guy, just like his (slave having) dad, the unfailable king. And unlike his evil witch of a mother. Who is so evil, by the way. At times I felt like Clive was some sort of dream fantasy guy self insert of the writers.

I'll say it plainly now: the lack of a well developped playable party is, in my opinion, the game's downfall. Clive alone can't carry the narrative because there isn't nearly enough depth to him, and everyone else has deliberately been stripped of any sort of meaningful screentime. Narrative aside I also feel like multiple playable characters would have done a lot for more variety in terms of gameplay. And before you raise your pitchforks - yes, there are few, very few characters that have their own little story moment. But boy... at what cost.

3.4.2 The state of women

! Rape & suicide mention trigger warning for this section !

So you know, Clive's sidekick? No, not the dog, the girl. Jill. The one who spends most of the game sick in bed, kidnapped, or otherwise missing, and whose single personality trait is being Clive's pure and innocent love interest. Surprisingly, she has her own 30 minutes of side story! A side story that essentially boils down to finding out she was held captive by a weird cult that had no relevance prior to this point and will have no relevance at all after this point. You get to beat up the cult's leader who is revealed to sexually assault underage girls.

Is that ever addressed again at any point? No.

But worry not. We still have a few more women in the bigger roles of the game. One of them, Benedikta, is an early game antagonist whose entire thing is seducing men, and most of the screentime she has is sex scenes. Once you defeat her in battle she flees, and a randomly passing by group of bandits is implied to attempt to rape her. This triggers a flashback of a past assault she was rescued from, and she goes mad. You fight her again, now in her powered up form, and kill her. Then she gets decapitated and her head is sent in a box to her lover to fuel his man rage. Don't worry, you'll get more sex scene flashbacks with her after her death.

But hey. We have another woman in a leading role. The supposedly main antagonist before the real big baddie (who is so boring of a villain i can't even get myself to say anything more about him) is revealed to have business with her. Clive's evil slave-mistreating mum. Her purpose in the story is breeding a flawless heir. What fuels this dignified ambition? Hell if I know. She's written in a hateable way for the sake of it. Likely to contrast Clive and his flawless dad. Absolutely zero depth to anything.

Guess her age here.

If you guessed "at least in her 50s" you are correct! Do I even have to say anything more about this.

The moment her perfect heir is killed, she loses it and slits her own throat. A very anticlimatic conclusion to her non-existent character arc.

Yes, there are a couple more secondary female characters who aren't necessarily walking misogyny targets, but they're pretty much irrelevant to the plot.

Here's a quote from my girlfriend, who is a woman, about the state of women in this game: "I have scarcely felt this alienated by the depiction of women in a video game."

! Trigger warning ends here !

So, uh... how do we move on from here... Let's head somewhere less offensive.

3.5 Music

Usually I'd give the soundtrack a lot more attention since I'm of the opinion that music is one of the most vital parts in a game and can absolutely make or break it - but quite frankly I don't have much to say about this one in detail. It's largely generic epic orchestra music with nothing much unique going for it. The regular battle theme is fairly memorable; and then there's that really aggravatingly annoying acoustic guitar ambient song that seems to play for about half of the game's time. Seriously I hate that one. It drove me nuts. In general I don't know if there's more than 10 songs in the OST because I don't think I heard more than that. Either that, or they all sounded the same.

What stuck out negatively to me especially (apart from that godsdamned acoustic guitar) was the overusage of over the top orchestral arrangements for the tiniest occasions, which was unfitting at best and really tiring at worst. I got used to it with time, but still a good soundtrack isn't just making every moment sound like it's as epic as the final boss, it's making varied music that fits the moment and sets the ambience.

Also not to ruin the OST for anyone who actually enjoys it, but the game's leitmotif sounds like Army of Lovers' Crucified. Noticed it during the demo and couldn't unhear it for the entirety of the game. You're welcome.

4. Credit where credit is due

As should be evident by now, I'm not finding much redeemable in this game. And yet - I would be lying if I said I didn't find myself liking some aspects of it.

Some of the armour designs are pretty neat. In general the character design as a whole feels coherent and mostly fits the setting, some questionable haircut choices aside.

There are chocobos. In different colours. They look nice. Not a big surprise, I suppose.

The voice acting is really good. I can't comment much on the English dub since I only watched the demo in English and then watched the full game with a streamer who played in German; but the German voice actors did an amazing job, and I've heard only good things about the English cast as well. Listening to a few comparisons I was surprised how deep English Joshua's voice is. He sounds like a teenage boy even after the last timeskip in German. That took me out a bit. I also realized I'm very partial to Dion's German voice acting. His final scene was extremely strong in that regard.

Speaking of Dion....

4.1 It's personal again

Alright. Listen. I hate this. I fucking hate this. For weeks I suffered through this game, nothing but this burning passionate hatred within me, ready to shred and tear every single aspect of it apart.

And then. So close to the end. In the final stretch. When I've almost made it through with nothing but rage and hatred by my side. This fucking stupid garbage game attacks my one goddamn weak point: The gay prince and his lover share a small "it isn't meant to be" moment. And I genuinely enjoyed the little gestures in that cutscene. It was a good cutscene.

And at this point I was unfortunately confronted with a hard to swallow pill: I had been kinda looking forward to every time Dion showed up on screen. I'll be honest I'm not sure I would have made it through the game without the driving force of "hey maybe he'll show up again". Over time he turned into my single point of fixation, and it's sad because ultimately he too is pretty much a wet sponge of a character, though maybe the least wet and spongy one. I think he does have some of the stronger scenes in the game (as well as the most visually appealing boss battle - whatever was going on with that bullet hell laser fight in space). He's also unfortunately a sad blond Final Fantasy prince and. Uh. Yeah. Ahem. Alas, he's kinda ugly. Subjectively. But he has an absolutely mighty hip swing when he walks. And a pretty cool spear. Good weapon choice.

In general, props to SE for including an unambiguously gay character in a decently written way. We all know this company is pretty behind in terms of diversity and representation, so seeing that was a pleasant surprise.

Anyway I really REALLY hate to admit it but I've been kinda held hostage by the game over this stupid prince. I'm hoping this is a temporary side effect (derogatory) from being exposed to the game for a prolonged amount of time and in a few weeks I won't care anymore. I hate it here.

5. Conclusion

When I finally finished watching the game after having spent 2 entire months with it I was mostly asking myself one question... What is worse in regards to an art medium? To hate it so intensely that you're willing to dive into every little aspect of it; or to feel complete indifference?

I can't tell you if I think FFXVI is the worst game in the series. It's the one I feel the most passionate hate for, that's for sure. But a game like FFXV seems so inherently unappealing I don't even care to look at it. Not because I think I'll dislike it any more, I just think it will bore me. (Irrelevant side note - I do plan to finally watch a playthrough of that one too in the future. Might as well commit now.)

There are aspects of FFXVI I do think are inexcusable in an objective way; delicate topics handled badly, developers that need an attitude check, and also... by god go meet a woman in real life, please.

For a game that was said to modernize and move the series forward, it makes terribly outdated choices in many regards. It somehow tries so hard to be a departure from the other games in the series, losing a lot of what makes a good Final Fantasy game, and simultaneously clings so hard to references that feel so empty when the core of these games has been trampled on. No amount of preludes and FF1 overworld theme rearrangements and corny "this will be your final fantasy" puns can bring the series' essence back that this game failed to capture. A sense of adventure, a compelling story with a meaningful cast of companions, a world to explore beyond grey corridors.

It should have been a spin-off, not a main title game. Obviously a different name wouldn't have changed the quality of the game, but I can't shake off the feeling that had it been called FFXIV: The Offline Singleplayer Experience (which quite frankly it feels like in many regards), I might have been a bit more lenient with my judgement.

Still...public reception of the game seems, surprisingly, fairly mixed. My fears of the game being hailed as the second coming of Christ didn't actually become true. At the very least the gameplay is oftentimes heavily criticized. And while I really have to wonder if all the people who praise the story and character writing have watched the same thing as I have, seeing the game actually receive some nuanced opinions from both people who like and dislike it alike is a refreshing twist I didn't expect. (Just in case this comes across wrong: I don't consider my opinions to be nuanced. I'm just a hater. But I'm right. Ha.)

Well... uh... After all this I don't quite know how to end this. I feel like I've said more than anyone should say about this game and somehow nothing of substance at all. Topical, I suppose. Oh well. Congrats (I guess) to this game for sparking something in me (negative) no other game has ever done before. For all it's worth, it strengthened my bond to some of the older entries I used to judge more harshly. I know better now.

-----

If you're the single person who made it this far, I think you deserve to have some pictures. Here's my favourite battle phase: (Something about those symmetrical orb patterns was very aesthetically pleasing. Better in motion though.)

And here's an exclusive look at parts of my initial draft and some discord liveblogging:

anyway peace out ✌️ go watch dions death scene in german

[k-s-morgan]

Okay, so two questions. 1) How do you think Sebastian feels about people finding him attractive? Do you think he basks in the attention or do you think he only enjoys that kind of attention when it's from Ciel? Do you think he uses it to his advantage/enjoyment? 2) Do you have any specific songs that remind you of Sebastian? I really enjoy your characterization of him so I'm curious as to what songs you associate with him -🖤

How do you think Sebastian feels about people finding him physically attractive? Do you think he gets some sort of dark pleasure out of people being drawn to him, but knowing they shouldn't be? Or do you think he doesn't really notice?

This is totally random, but I have two questions about Sebastian, since I view how you write him as extremely accurate to canon. 1) How do you think Sebastian feels about people that find him attractive, but react differently? Say one person is like Mey-Rin, swooning and blushing, but another is just like, "Sebastian is attractive, I recognize that" and they don't get flustered and all that about it.

How do you think Sebastian feels about little children, like 5 and younger? Do you think he (2) would be good at taking care of them? Would he hate them? Be mean to them? I work with kids so I've been wondering the answer to this question for a while lol. 🖤

----------------

These asks likely came from the same person - if not, then I'm combining them anyway because they all center on the same topic! Hope that's okay, and sorry for taking so long to answer!

I think Sebastian gets two types of enjoyment out of people's attraction to him. When it comes from anyone other than Ciel, he relishes the fact of his power. Depending on his mood, he might play it up, seducing his victims and watching gleefully how they fall apart from his mere proximity, or he might ignore them. I'm sure it particularly amuses him when the person attracted to him is someone who would be horrified by the real him even more than the others, such as a nun. He's a demon, after all, and watching someone who pledged themselves to God fall for his charms is entertaining. But every time he engages in physical intimacy with someone, he looks like it's a chore, so I think he does it only when his 'job' requires him to. He likely initiated it genuinely just a couple of times throughout his lifetime, and even then, he was driven by curiosity than true interest.

Mey-Rin's feelings mostly annoy him, in my opinion. Sebastian respects her (and the servants) more than he does others; he seems to consider attraction a lowly human feeling and so Mey-Rin should really know better.  

As for people attracted to him displaying different reactions: I think it doesn't really matter to him. Sebastian is not interested in physical intimacy, so he pays attention to attraction only when it's obvious. When it's not obvious, he's indifferent and doesn't bother to dwell on it, but he's also certain that he'll be able to seduce anyone if he has to, regardless of whether this person likes him or not.

Except for Ciel. Ciel is his exception in pretty much everything.

In many ways, I feel like Sebastian idolizes Ciel. He has to face Ciel's imperfections and human flaws time and time again, but he still holds him to much higher standards than the rest of the world. I think he doesn't recognize Ciel's attraction to him because he genuinely doesn't think Ciel would stoop to it. In canon, we see Sebastian tease Ciel about girls sometimes, but he obviously does it just to annoy and embarrass him. He knows Ciel is not interested in these things - he believes it's one of the qualities that relate them together.

Because he's never felt genuine attraction to anyone, Sebastian spectacularly fails to recognize it in himself either. Being a demon complicates things, and his mind often defaults to physical hunger when it's trying to decipher his needs and impulses. Ciel looks particularly good? This must mean that he wants to eat his soul. Ciel's proximity is messing with Sebastian's mind? He's probably gotten too hungry. Etc.

To Sebastian, attraction is just one more tool he can use against humans. He doesn't understand it as a genuine emotion and so he fails to understand his own feelings.

Regarding songs: unfortunately, I have a pretty complex relationship with music and I almost never associate songs with any characters! However, if I had to choose...  Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode. It's odd and somewhat ethereal, just like him. I love this part in particular:

All I ever wanted All I ever needed Is here in my arms Words are very unnecessary They can only do harm Vows are spoken To be broken Feelings are intense Words are trivial Pleasures remain So does the pain

Also, Light Em Up by Fall Out Boy fits both Ciel and Sebastian to an extent. This part reminds me of Sebastian:

Be careful making wishes in the dark Can't be sure when they've hit their mark And besides in the meantime I'm just dreaming of tearing you apart...

You're the antidote to everything except for me A constellation of tears on your lashes Burn everything you love Then burn the ashes

Oh, and as for kids: I don't think Sebastian would like them much, to be honest! He'd probably regard them as extra dim humans that are even more helpless and pathetic than normal. Even taking care of Ciel at the start of their contract, when he was 11, frustrated him - I imagine it would be worse if a child was younger!

[itsclydebitches]

I'm about to sound so unsympathetic since the chick was basically physically and psychologically messed up but during the whole beat down tirade I was like 'you forgot her hypocrisy about secrets, would've been a nice layer on there too' because I just.... the show got to the point where I didn't care about Ruby anymore and even though I stopped watching the show a while ago I still keep up with your recaps and sometimes a clip or two. But while I'm sure that scene garnered a lot of sympathy for Ruby, it just gave me satisfaction of the fact that even though Neo didn't know the full deal, she knew ENOUGH to keep kicking Ruby down from her self righteous perch into the mud and I honestly gotta give it to Neo, she tore her apart in an unrelenting and unforgiving fashion. It was amazing and terrifying. But then the writers went and did that to Neo, like damn guys, she still needs to get back at Cinder.

I definitely felt for Ruby in that scene because it was A Lot. As you say, Neo did a great job of psychologically messing with her, on top of a massively unfair physical fight. As well done as moments of that was though... that's kind of my problem with it? The extreme nature of Ruby's torture ensures that she doesn't have to acknowledge the points Neo made. Because Neo is a super evil villain who is deliberately twisting these situations to make Ruby feel solely responsible, preying on someone who is already blaming themselves to the point of suicidal ideation. The outcome of this will never be, "We do need to rethink the choices we've made and acknowledge our responsibility in many of these tragedies," it'll be: "Don't worry, Ruby! Neo is a lying villain! You're a good person and you need to learn that these feelings of guilt are lies as well." Certainly the rest of Team RWBY aren't grappling with guilt at the outcome of everything that's gone down. They're being vaguely sad that they don't have a home to go back to and are otherwise flirting. It's Ruby who is 'inaccurately' blaming herself.

Which is precisely what I didn't want because it lets Ruby off the hook. I never wanted a villain to point out Ruby's mistakes because, as said, that gives the story an easy out - why would we listen to the bad guy? I wanted a scene like the first half of Ren's where the heroes realize that they've fucked up and work to better themselves, but obviously that was rejected. All the Ever After has given us are creeps/evil-doers who, as a result of their characterizations the group doesn't need to listen to. Because they're bad guys. Caterpillar shows them spooky smoke people who question their status as heroes? They're spooky smoke people! Why would we trust them?? Cat questions whether they're actually as nice and as fair as they claim? The Cat is revealed to be super duper evil! Magical figments of Ruby's dead allies point out that she's often made things worse and they've died as a result? It's all an exaggerated manipulation orchestrated by a villain to get Ruby to commit suicide. There shouldn't be an outcome where Ruby goes, "Neo was right about some of that" because the scene was just too horrific and overflowing with manipulation to allow such an acknowledgement without Ruby coming across as still suicidal/self-hating. As cathartic as it can be to see Ruby getting called out, I find it far more frustrating that the call outs are so extreme that it continually positions Ruby as just another victim. Volume 9 is working hard to make you feel any guilt for criticizing Ruby: How can you be mean to the suicidal girl ignored by her teammates and targeted by Neo?? Ruby went from an incredibly cocky powerhouse straight into a #SadGirl, completely bypassing the opportunity for someone to legitimately criticize her without that being framed as kicking a puppy for, supposedly, no reason.

[gentil-minou]

Dang, I didn't realize you stopped writing ML analysis because some dweebs were raining on your parade and making fun of it. You wrote some of the best stuff looking at ML and I'm sorry jerks ruined that for you. Both you and this fandom have been robbed of something great because some people just can't let other enjoy things.

i mean there are a lot of reasons, both personal and fandom related. My work is very demanding, I had some traumatic shit that happened a few months ago I'm still processing, and my interests in fandoms go up and down over time, like right now it's pretty clear to see i'm more active in other fandoms besides ML.

But honestly the awful way the fans have been acting towards this season, not just in the way they rain on everyone's parade but also the way the bible and leaks have spread so far and wide. While that isn't the fandom's fault persay it's still awful. the fun of theorizing is gone when a bunch of people know what's going to happen, so naturally i just kinda stopped (then all the broadcasting bs that always bothers me ugh)

But I think the one thing this fandom hasn't seemed to realize is that it takes a lot of effort to write about this show, especially if you're an adult or a student who has other things going on. It's easy to leave a comment that hates on the analyses they write, and it's also easy for it to feel like a personal attack.

Think of it this way, so many people relate to Adrien and Mari, in so many ways. They can see themselves in them, even their faults and mistakes mean something. It feels incredibly validating for someone to be able to see that.

Take my Adrien has depression posts for example. Because I've had depression since I was younger than him and did a lot of the same masking behaviors he does, it meant so much to me. Here was a character who seemed to be going through what I was at the time and still struggle with today. It was so wonderful to see on screen because it felt like I was finally being seen. Or another example would be Mari's anxiety and ADHD which I also relate to so much, especially when it causes her to make some mistakes or handle things in the wrong way. It's classing anxiety-avoidance cycles, and seeing it on screen made me feel like I wasn't so alone. And I am sure so many other people felt the same way

And then there are people who go and say awful things about these characters on a post where you express those feelings. How Adrien is being a whiney baby or whatever bs they say, how his actions are a sign of him being selfish instead of all of the trauma and neglect he's experienced. Or how Mari's complex thinking patterns and behavior are relegated down to her being a stalker or a mary sue or what have you, once again completely ignoring the core complexity of her character as just a normal girl who was forced essentially to be a superhero. The pressures of which would be tremendous on anyone let alone someone with clear ND traits and traumatic experiences.

And people insult those fictional characters, so quickly and easily, without realizing the very real damage they are doing to the very real people who see themselves in them. I've talked so much about why I love sentiadrien because i can see some of my struggles in that storyline, and then to have people say that no it doesn't matter because my experiences aren't as important? that it's invalid because there's only one right way to experience trauma? that im wrong for finding solace in it? it's awful, and it puts me down.

i shouldnt be feeling invalidated when im watching my comfort show, i shouldn't spend days writing very careful posts only to get them shat on by insensitive comments. as much as i want to ignore them and focus on the good i do and the fun i get from it, it still feels like a stab through the chest every time.

and then there are the people who say i'm an awful therapist because they don't agree with my analyses. that's the worst, and while i won't go into details about why this particular statement brings me so much pain, i just need folks to understand that it's genuinely one of the worst insults i've ever had. and if everytime i write something i have second guess myself, and then second guess if i even have the skill and talent for the field i'm in, it just becomes a horrible spiral. people make these comments like they're the easiest thing in the world to say and it just boggles my mind, because although they may have forgotten their stupid little tag i certainly haven't. i hold them deep in that dark part of my brain where the whispers are loudest and hardest to control.

ultimately, the last few months i wanted to remind myself why i like this show and this website in the first place, and that i'm doing it for me. life is hard enough, if i can't have fun in the one place i can control then what's the point? so i will control my own experiences within this fandom, even if other's want to rain on it

[vvivacious101]

Oh God! We need to talk!

I have been insane ever since the RWRB movie came out but I guess you can only stay immersed in a fandom for so long before you start to see its more insidious aspects.

This thought has entered my mind before but I chose not to engage because fandom should ideally be fun and a break from reality. Unfortunately, all of humanity's creations contain humanity's flaws and I can't keep turning a blind eye anymore.

I don't think this post is going to do much but if it makes even one person realise they aren't alone in their experience it would have served its purpose.

So, let's talk about fandom racism.

The only other couple that I ship that is an interracial one is Joe and Nicky from The Old Guard. They are also an interfaith couple so they really had the odds stacked against them from the very beginning. But by the time I came into that fandom, there was a real movement to call out racial bias and ignorance in Joe's portrayal. So I thankfully avoided the racism in that fandom because when I got involved in that fandom there was an active will to counter said racism which also made me very careful regarding how I interacted with that fandom. I was just more informed so I protected myself.

The thing I totally forgot while getting into this fandom is that FirstPrince is also an interracial couple. This fandom is very passive in its racism because you can tell fandom racism exists by how people choose to not interact at all with certain elements that are a part of this ship and never has the insidiousness of racism been more obvious than since the movie came out.

It's obvious that a lot of people just didn't engage with the fact that Alex is biracial. The book actually plays a huge part in it because, for the most part, it doesn't do a good job of portraying Alex as someone who comes from two cultures and speaks two languages (even though I have to say that the only time Alex speaks Spanish where it is presented as such in the book is also one of the most beautiful moments in the book and that fact that it isn't talked about nearly as much kind of proves my point). But with the release of the movie, it's harder to ignore Alex's race.

I mean frankly, it is so obvious in the way this fandom treats the actors portraying these characters that they are being confronted by the interraciality of this couple for the very first time.

It's a lot harder to ignore colour on screen.

I love the fact that the director chose to lean into Alex's roots.

But the true impetus for writing this post comes from a fic I recently read which reminded me of this post that I had seen on Tumblr (you can read it here) and combining that with the above issue meant that I felt like I should speak up if only for my own mental peace.

Now, I am very much of the opinion that if you don't like a fanfic you shouldn't engage with it because fanfic writers don't owe you anything. The mere fact that they choose to share their works of art with the public is kind of a very selfless deed. But, I need to talk about this fic because it really started highlighting the issues that insidiously exist in this fandom (we should probably make a drinking game of how many times I use the word insidious in this post).

Henry running away from Alex at the lakehouse is something that only works if you account for the fact that he is an honest-to-god Prince. His actions in any other scenario are just douchey. Fanfic can get very creative and I'm pretty sure that fanfic writers can come up with alternative ways of making this scenario work even in an AU without him being royalty but it needs to be creative to work.

In the book, this works because Henry is a prince and the one thing that I know about the British Monarchy is that it has a will for self-preservation like no other. So you can sympathise with Henry's position without needing the details. It's also important to realise that the monarchy is not just an institution for Henry it's his family. At some point, he is going to be the son of the reigning monarch abdication or not.

But if you try to spin off an AU in which Henry pulls this stunt except with way more viciousness then you better come prepared to make him GROVEL. It really hurt because apparently people reading this fic were angry with Alex for his understandable vindictiveness something I gleaned from the author's notes on the various chapters and not because I read every comment on the fic so I could be wrong about how people were reacting to the events in the fic but clearly the author believed that the events in the fic would garner hate towards Alex which was literally unbelievable to me. Because predictably it's Alex who takes the first step towards reconciliation and Henry literally does the bare minimum. Reading this fic was so disturbing and disconcerting because I don't think the author even realises that they have set such different standards for Henry and Alex in this fic which made it infinitely worse.

Henry's abandonment of Alex just doesn't work if he isn't burdened by something as powerful as the monarchy and I don't get how that isn't obvious.

The Tumblr post I came across also on a similar note is pretty succinct and I like the point it is making.

But it got me thinking and I realised that Henry's initial rejection of Alex can't be read as Henry rejecting Alex, it has to be read while keeping Alex's lived experience in mind. So no matter what Henry said be it the "get rid of him" version from the book or the "get me out of here" version from the movie, it still can't only be about Alex and Henry it also has to be viewed through the lens of race and class differences that exist between these two. It means that Alex not only has to deal with a person being rude to him he has to deal with the fact that this person is rude to him because of things about him that are a fundamental part of who he is. Of course, that isn't the case here but I don't blame him one bit for jumping to conclusions. Also, in this case, context matters and I like the fact that the movie changed the line because with context Henry's position is much more sympathetic than in the book version of his line (which is incidentally never brought up in the book).

I also like the fact that Henry is the first to contact Alex unlike in the book where Alex gives Henry his number and Henry just decides to use it because it showcases a will to know Alex. Henry makes an effort to give this relationship a chance on his own terms which is something I didn't know I needed. It also means that Alex isn't the only one seen fighting for and wanting this relationship. We have express proof that Henry wants it too with not one but two instances in the movie.

I should probably also tell you that so far I haven't encountered a whole lot of racial bias in fics in this fandom so you are actually pretty safe because I'm pretty sure I have read more than fifty fics in this fandom and not one was insidiously racist. The racism is more observable and notable with how this fandom treats the two actors differently but when I read this one fic and yes so far it is only the one fic that I was tempted to quit in the middle but didn't because by that time it had already become the straw that broke the camel's back and I didn't want to critique something I hadn't read in its entirety.

So, here it is whatever this is. I hope this helps in some way either in validating some people's feelings or alternatively making someone else recognise their own bias.

That's it from me!

[orchidyoonkook]

I wasn't ignoring you! I've been depressed lately... So I haven't actually been sociable with many people at the moment, or with anyone if you want me to be honest. I would try to be in a healthier mindset before I get back into conversations with people if I am actually able to do so.

But, then I woke up to the news that the guitarist (from a band I listen to) is leaving the band. Because of the timing of the announcement.. I thought, along with many other fans, believed it was just an elaborate April Fool's prank. But it doesn't seem that way. So! Now that brought my depression back hearing that news. My mental health is changing everyday. So I have conflicting feelings about hearing that new today.

So there's that.

I know, I know.. I'm just overreacting about news that I'm not apart of in any way so it shouldn't effect me but it also does at the same time.

I've noticed some emojis don't seem to appear on certain devices so I will have to figure out an emoji that actually appears everywhere, or if it would be easiest to know who is who (while I'm being anonymous).

Yeah.. I'm a private person. I would only reveal things about myself if I am actually comfortable around any other person. I'm always like this all the time. Doesn't matter if you're family, friends, even strangers.

Oh! Yeah. Maybe I should've elaborated those specific relationships in fictional stories. I can see and read dark content, but never content in that way; those ships are limitations that I'm never comfortable with.

I wasn't going to say specific words in you - or anyone else who might have - read my messages. Since I know certain terms may actually be upsetting for some people. Maybe my explanation was just too vague though, so I should've elaborated more with being explicit about that.

Based on labels. My style was between "emo", "goth", "punk", "grunge" and every style in between that you could think of. Ripped jeans have always been my preference in pants.. Usually black shirts, sometimes I'd wear band shirts on occasion or shirts with graphic designs (skulls is an obvious example). Dyed hair, piercings. This is still my own style.

So it doesn't was not a phase for me like most people believed.. There was only a few people who knew that my style wasn't any phase at all either. Anyway! I'm getting too off topic again. Or at least I think I am.

Yes! Guys and girls could be friends. Not every relationship between a guy and girl have romantic or sexual either, there are also the platonic ships and even kinships too. Depending on how close their bonds are.

I rarely had female friends. Not because "I'm just like one of the guys." was the reason. Well.. Maybe I felt that way when I was a preteen that time. But I usually have better connections to guys. Nothing against a lot of women, since I know not every female is the same person when it comes to actions and reactions. I knew many girls who were always horrible to me. Other than people who treated me differently once it's been known that I'm disabled, since people have treated me different once they've found out about my disabilities (like autism for example) - but this is towards people in general though. When it comes to girls; so many female friends were jealous of me for whatever reasons they had. I'm not being conceited. They were actually jealous of me for any reasons I don't know. Any time I had other friends besides her, dating boyfriends or even had a crush on guys, she'd always steal them from me. Which is why I have trust issues with people. The girls I knew end up abusive towards me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. And the few friends, including female friends, worth having in my life were the people who abandoned me. So I've gotten used to being alone now.

And don't get me started on being friends who guys who actually did stop hanging out with me because of jealous girlfriends.. So I was not sure if they hated, distrusted, me. Or they distrusted their boyfriends.

That happened frequently too.. So having every trust issue that I have been through. I tend to push people away, before they push me away.

Yeah. Regardless of sexuality, I just can't see the BTS boys in any ship that isn't a familial ship. Kinships? Something like that. Like.. I am fine with side ships but not main ships. Nothing against people who enjoy those ships though. People should read and write their own stories.

I haven't officially came up with a nickname yet... But you might know by now that I'm the verbose anon who never even knows how to keep messages shorter than what I respond with. That may be a give away.

I finally FINALLY have the time and proper mental space to reply to this!!! Lemme dig in!!

I never thought you were ignoring me dear!! don't worry I know we all have out social limits and sometimes you just need to not be a person for a while in order to recharge. I think it's incredibly kind that you are aware of your mindset when interacting with folks and chose not to interact when you know it isn't in the best place. But please know that I'm here if you ever need to vent or need a little sprinkle of colour or kindness in life. Depression is so hard and I would never treat you differently because of it <3

I'm so so sorry the guitarist from your fav band is leaving 😔. I hope it's so that they can better their health or for the best at least. And if not, i personally find a comfort in knowing that you had them in the band for as long as you did, and you can always go back to old videos and music to reminisce. But again that's a personal coping mechanism of mine.

You're not overreacting. If this is your favourite band I'm going to assume they play rather large role in your life. So it's completely understandable to have big feelings about it. If the guitarist from my favourite band was leaving I would have enormous feelings about it as he's been with the band since 2003. Like. It's something that's a big deal. Your reaction is super valid.

Emoji's are dumb like that sometimes unfortunately. I'm happy to use whichever emoji you'd like. Or a psued if you want. Both work for me. But I usually know it's you , you're memorable!

And I can respect that. I would never push you to not be like that, I just want you to know that I'm here if you need it. The anon part of tumblr is a beautiful feature that way. Talking to strangers who are also friends without the pressure of them actually knowing. It's a very amazing type of human connection. And I find it easier to tell filks things when it can't fall back on me. Like a living diary almost. I find it super cool at least. An annonymous form of community you can't really replicate anywhere else. Beautfiul when you think about it.

Ahhh gotcha!! RE: side ships and pairings. Totally makes sense!!

I'm not someone who can be triggered easily, I semi-regularly consume darker content/ dead dove type (mainly out of loving jealously for the folks who write it so well. my ass could never) so as long as the terms you chose are talked about with respect or in proper terminolog I dont see myself being upset.

Your style sounds like what I would dress as if i had a bit more courage. I'd love to dye my hair again and get so many pericings and tats but i haven't quite gotten myself there yet. Hell, my mum has more tats than me. Just go ther sleeve done a year or two ago and is working on her next one soon! It's just something about that particular style that's comfortable to me, but my neurodivergence (AuADHD) makes permanent alterations to my body freak me out a bit, hence the need for courage. It's more of a mental block than anything,

Also it is 100% me who always goes off topic so fear not! you fit right in if you slip once of twice too!

Half of my closest decade(s) long friendships are with guys so I absolutely agree with you. I never dated any of them and neither did the other girls in the friend group. We've all known one another (as in all of us in the group knowing everyone in the group) since 9th grade and we're turning 25 this year. So it's absolutely possible. People just like to think it's not.

I was similar. When I think of my childhood and my childhood frienships, all of my girl friends were neighbours, whereas all of my school friends were primarily guys, and for the same and similar reasons you've mentioned. I was primarily raised by my dad and I only have brothers so it makes sense to me why I hung out with guys more. And I had a similar experience where girls were just mean to me for no reason and I couldnt at the time figure it out. I know why now that I'm older. But still, that hurts when you're young so you're more likely to go and be with those who feel safer to be with.

I knew i felt a certain type of similarity between out experiences and the shared diagnosis' makes so much sense. Folks treat me very different once I mention that ASD is the reason I dont undertsand things they way they tell me too or whatever the situation is. It's actually why I left my last job. They wouldn't accomodate me and my performance suffered to much as did my mental health.

"many female friends were jealous of me for whatever reasons they had. I'm not being conceited. They were actually jealous of me for any reasons I don't know." My mum saw this when i was younger too. She said i was (and am) "intimidating" and so people would try their best to knock me down a peg. hence the jealousy when their couldnt or when the realised that they wanted what i had. I've accepted it now, and silently acknowledge it. But once again, it still hurt the little girl who couldn't figure out why she was treated so differently.

'The girls I knew end up abusive towards me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. And the few friends, including female friends, worth having in my life were the people who abandoned me. So I've gotten used to being alone now." I'm truly sorry you had to/ have to deal with this. Not in a pitying way, but in a 'human to human I see and acknowledge the things you've gone through in your life' way. I hope you are able to one day build and find for yourself a lovely group of humans who love and respect you for you. Who don't tear you down like the horrible people before them, and instead lift you up. I will happily be a part of that, should you like to have me, just so you know. I may be words on a screen, but there is a person behind them who sees you.

The girlfriend situation of guy friends is something I have very fortunately not had to deal with as I usually end up being their friend too. I have a habit of wanting everyone to feel accepted and included in spaces I exist in, and it commonly plays to my favour. But I have had and heard second hand experiences with this, and it's just awful. And we can reiterate to earlier where guys and girls can be friends without anything going on. I have never understood girls who cut their guys off from perfectly normal and healthy female frienships.

Pushing folks away before they push you is absolutely a coping mechanism I understand. Breaking through that was one of the more difficult things I've been trying to learn as an adult. That some rare folks actually want to be there for me, and truly have no ill intentions. I hope you are able to one day have this as well, to which, once again, I will happily be one, should you want.

Perfectly respectable opinion on the boys and relationships. I have nothing to add other than I agreee completey.

And yes XD I am usually able to tell it's you by the length!! I just know some folks like having a tag to make searching for thir asks easier! I know I did before i had tumblr. It just made tracking what I'd sent in way easier! No rush tho!

Hope you are well, darling <3. Always lovely chatting with you.

[9800sblog]

sure, that's one way to look at it and it's totally a valid opinion. but i wouldnt call it misinformation, personally. it's tarot in the end, no one can get "the truth" out of tarot unless it can be confirmed. it's just how we interpret things and it's what i put in my disclaimer. that's the thing about tarot, it's open for that sort of thing. it's good you can do that, however - since admittedly i don't really look at it from that perspective. for me, it's always been yeosang who i feel very guarded energy from so "not getting through" for me comes out in confusing and contradicting card pulls - not in the form of the devil or the tower.

i also think the reason why most of us take it at a more face value meaning is because we know about mingi's hiatus due to anxiety. it isn't good to sspeculate about mental health in any means - but the truth is some idols will have bad, dark days. most probably do due to the industry it's in.

it is great to see you can look at it in a different way, but i thought i'd throw in my own somewhat explanation as another reader on here who looks into ateez. we're not ignorant, we just experience and interpret different things on something that really shouldn't be taken too seriously.

I'm talking about people that try to expose secrets, people that talk about their sex lives, for example. WHY are we using tarot to speculate somebody's secrets without their consent?? 😭😭 I've seen MANY people say really really really inappropriate things. I follow you and i wouldn't put you in this category, honestly, you seem to have integrity. that post was a really broad and vague choice of words from me and I'm sorry that you felt it was directed to readers like you!! it's just some people think that tarot and the internet are lawless lands, you know?

[uncloseted]

Do you think Tim Burton someone that we shouldn't support? I was hyped seeing the Wednesday Addams trailer but when I looked into Burton I found he's said a few racist things in the past. Now I'm not sure if I can watch Wednesday in good conscious or not despite the fact I adore the Addams family

I think there's a real difference between someone who has "said a few racist things in the past" (or said things that we retroactively consider to be racist) and a person who is actively being racist. People fuck up. They're often ignorant and uninformed. Sometimes they say things that aren't perfect. I think we need to make space for "yikes, friendly reminder that this isn't a good look" without defaulting to, "that person is racist and cancelled, nobody interact with their content ever again."

From what I can tell, the accusations of racism seem to be mostly over Burton's lack of diversity in his films. Which is accurate, but... he casts the same four people in everything he makes (Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Christopher Lee and Michael Gough). There's literally a lack of diversity in his films at all, because there's a lack of diversity in the actual individual actors that he hires. So it's kind of unsurprising that his films lack diversity and that he doesn't have great insight on the subject of diversity at large.

Specifically, when people accuse Burton of racism, they point to a 2016 interview with Bustle, in which he said he said that,

"Nowadays, people are talking about [diversity] more. But things either call for things, or they don’t. I remember back when I was a child watching The Brady Bunch and they started to get all politically correct. Like, OK, let’s have an Asian child and a black. I used to get more offended by that than just... I grew up watching blaxploitation movies, right? And I said, that’s great. I didn’t go like, OK, there should be more white people in these movies."

Is that a great take? Of course not. Movies made by white people that only include white people aren't the same as movies made by Black people that only include Black people. The Brady Bunch was doing important work by diversifying their cast, even if their moves towards diversity felt shoehorned to white kids in Burbank in the 60s. But is it a cancelable offense that proves he's always been secretly racist and that if we watch his works, we'll be supporting racism? I don't think so. I think he's just, you know, a white guy who grew up in Burbank in the 60s who has cast the same four people in his movies since 1988.

It should also be noted that in the same Bustle article, they interview Samuel L. Jackson about Tim Burton's perceived lack of representation in his films, to which his only response was, "I had to go back in my head and go, how many black characters have been in Tim Burton movies? And I may have been the first, I don’t know, or the most prominent in that particular way, but it happens the way it happens. I don’t think it’s any fault of his or his method of storytelling, it’s just how it’s played out. Tim’s a really great guy."

Also, the new Addams family TV show is actually pretty diverse. It stars Jenna Ortega, who is Mexican and Puerto Rican, as well as Luis Guzmán, who is Puerto Rican. It also features Fred Armisen, who is Venezuelan-Korean. An attempt to rectify the lack of diversity in Burton's works is being made here. If anything, this is the work of Burton's that's the worst to boycott, because Netflix has a history of cancelling shows that are led by Hispanic and Latin actors.

On a bit of a side note, I also want to say that the more I have these conversations, the more I feel like our increasing cultural focus on whether the media we consume is "ethical" or not is a red herring that's distracting from more important issues. Is a racist comment Tim Burton made in 2016 really the biggest race related issue we're facing right now? Fuck no. But by focusing on that, people can pat themselves on the back for "fighting racism" without actually having to contend with the messy, complicated, nuanced discussions that are necessary to solve the more pressing issues at hand, and without actually having to meaningfully change their lives. Even if literally nobody watched this new Addams family show, Tim Burton would still have an estimated net worth of $100 million. Even if literally nobody watched the new Addams family show, Tim Burton still got paid to make it. So in this case, even if his comments were totally unforgivable, I think boycotting it has very little worth. If he gives you the ick now that you've read that he's said racist things in the past, it's your prerogative not to watch it. That's totally fine, and I get feeling that way. But that's a personal decision, not a political or ethical one.

[beevean]

Not sure what spurred Mauro's rant but it reminded me somewhat of Pat and Woolie's discussion about anime and how, according to some VAs, it isn't for poor people. Or if it's not available for purchase in your country, guess you weren't meant to watch it in the first place. Like. Did kids in the US and France have access to Sonic X's Japanese subs back in the 2000s? No, fans had to make them. And even then, you're still relying on "xenophobic" secondhand translation.

I swear we have to play "Hautte Take: Spicy or Icy?" with IDW staff every other week, dude. I dare Mauro to look me in the eye and say he thinks Star Wars being dubbed into Diné is "xenophobic" towards the original, since apparently he thinks all dubs are xenophobic no matter the language.

He honestly sounds like he read one (1) book about translation and suddenly he's dropping the extremely abridged, generalized version of what he read in a deliberately inflammatory language (and then making fun of the people who understandably said "dude you're full of shit")

Again, from what I could gather from his insufferable tweets, he seriously believes that the only reason someone would watch a dub is because poor thing can't handle to hear another language. And... I'm sure people like this exist. Ignorant monolingual xenophobes exist. But, for the umpteenth time, it's way too generalized and aggressive of a take. Dubs are useful for many reasons: to preserve a language like you said, for people who can't read subs (children, illiterate people, people with poor vision, what have you), hell maybe even for a preference, because subs have more stringest limits than dubs due to their length.

It's so stupid. I'm still talking about it because I love everything related to translation, but if I didn't, I wouldn't have given him the time of my day. He did not think about his hot take, he just wanted to cause discourse. He knew that he'd offend people and he didn't care.

And while obviously his opinions shouldn't affect his job at IDW, god are people who work on it just insufferable. Flynn is a whiny braggart, Tracey is disrespectful and gross, ABT didn't protest against Flynn throwing him under a bus but had the time to argue with a fan that Sonic is actually a jerk, Stanley felt the need to fish for compliments for her "angsty" arc, Fonseca dropped a very insensitive take, who else am I missing? Please, Nathalie Fourdraine, you're a great artist, don't make me lose respect for you too :(

[homicidal-rage]

Racism goes *both* ways.

I hate being told that my feelings towards racism aren't 'valid', because I'm white. Because white-skinned people were the ones who were racist.

I'm supposed to take being called "white as a ghost", "pale as milk", and be excluded from my friends who aren't the same skin colour as me, because it's "okay" since I'm white. Because white people are the 'racist ones', so surely its fine to say crude comments about their skin because they understand.

When my friends back away from me because I'm too 'Australian', or when I get criticized for the way I talk because it's too "white". It's supposed to be a joke- I know, but some jokes just aren't funny when you're the subject.

This may just sound ironic. I may be called stupid, or ignorant. I know I'm supposed to just 'take it', or maybe some people think I'm talking about nothing, or overreacting, or being stupid because it doesn't happen. Then why am I so upset?

Racism goes both ways. Racism, at its core, is prejudice, antagonism or discrimination against someone because of their race or ethnicity. How is this any different? I know for a fact that there is a whole history of racism, and yes, white people were extremely racist against those with darker skin. In no way am I saying that is good. That is not my message. What I am saying is that racism goes both ways, and two wrongs do not make a right.

Any time this happens, I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm white, and people of white skin aren't a minority. If a majority speaks up, then they're pushing the minorities down and that isn't what I want to do. The multiple times I have spoken up about the fact that I feel awful because I'm left out, because I'm white, everyone around me just dismisses the thought because it can't be true.

When someone is racist against me because I'm white, its supposed to be a joke. How the fuck is that a joke?

I'm not connected in any way to those who racially vilified darker skin people, and I don't think I have ever done that to anybody. I don’t wish it upon anybody because it's such an awful feeling to be antagonised because of something you can't control. I can't control that I'm white!

I speak for people in a similar position for me. I do not speak for people who are racist, as it is unacceptable.

Do you think I'm supposed to take being told that I'm a "convict" or a "coloniser" just because I'm white? I've been called a "coloniser" way more times than it should happen. I remember back when I just started high school, I was walking down the hall, when a year eleven kid stopped me to call me "paler than milk", and that I "don't deserve to be here because [I'm] white." I cried after that, because why should any kid have to deal with that?

I know my experiences with racism are a lot less significant than other people's but it's still the small things that hurt.

It's a basic human right to not be racially discriminated. Though there are many people, specifically kids in our year, who take it that all white people are the cause of racism, therefore they need to be punished with what they 'gave out'.

We need to root for equality the right way. This means that nobody deserves to be pointed at and made fun of for their skin colour, or they shouldn't be compared to the people of their history. Nobody deserves to be antagonised because of their skin, or be stereotyped based on their ethnicity. It's just wrong, and I hate how it isn't common knowledge that racism goes all ways. I am speaking for people in a similar position like myself, but this applies to anybody of any race subjected to the same thing. I'm sorry if any of you guys experience racist things you don't deserve. It isn't okay and I wish more people felt the same.