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#it's been years and IT DOESN'T GET EASIER
in-som-niyah · 1 day
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ok i’ve been having this thought for a while… since jason is so attentive what are some things he would do that makes reader’s life easier??? like i see him as such an acts of service man like if all else fails he will make sure you’re never out of your fav tea or something idk im sorry if this doesn’t make sense 😭😭
"I Do, I Do, I Do"
A/N: digging myself out of a depressive episode with this one + this is my first fic after my long ass hiatus so pls be nice to me im trying
Attentive!Jason Todd will pay so much attention to you you would think he has a camera on you 24/7 and watching your every move.
Jason would remember the big things, like anniversaries and birthdays, but also days of the year when he knows you need the most support from him. If a parent/guardian/loved one died on a specific day/time of year he's attuned to your emotional needs and keeps up with your physical ones (like food and sleep) so you can focus on being ok again. (i am NOT projecting chat)
Jason would also remember the little things, like your favourite tiny spoon, the way you prefer spearmint to wintermint in gum and toothpaste, the way you compulsively brush your hair to the side when your bangs get too long, when it's time for you to leave a social situation. He's just always looking at you and around you to make sure you're happy and smiling when you wave back at him form across the room.
If you have health problems, Jason would never in his life let you run out of meds or whatever you need to combat your illness. The massage gun is always charged, heating pad always available, hot water bottles on standby, compression socks/arm bands at your disposal, everything. He doesn't wait for it to get bad either, he's picked up on your cues so well that he can almost predict a disaster before you do.
Speaking of prediction, he also knows that if you're not off work and in the apartment by a certain time, to start the laundry, dishes and order in/cook a quick dinner because he knows you'll come home a tense ball of stress and worry.
Jason who almost exclusively wears a specific type of softer fabric when you're around him because he loves it when you bury your face in his chest and rest your head on his bicep.
(For the short girlies) Jason who puts rubber corner protectors on the corners of your countertops and tables because you always bash your hips into them when you aren't paying attention.
Jason who does the laundry before you wake up in the morning and folds your clothes exactly the way you do because he knows you're particular about it & doesnt want you to stress about it in the morning.
Jason who puts gas in your car and repairs it himself or sends it to the bats to fix when he can't (he would never admit it though).
Jason who notices your favourite brands of food and makes sure they're always stocked (you're convinced it's witchcraft the way things don't run out)
Jason who just loves you. That's it. That's all. Just love. In any and all ways he can. All the time. In all conditions. In all situations. Patient. Loving. Kind.
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perfctvelvet · 2 days
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Dominant Billie Eilish? 🙏 pretty please
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The Games We Play; Billie Eilish/Fem!Reader
Content: 2nd POV. Established relationship, semi-toxic relationship, brief mentions of gaslight, implied infidelity, D/s elements, name calling ('slut'), degradation, teasing, strap-on sex, mentions of ass play, use of sex toys (vibrator).
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"I've had enough of the games now, Y/n. You're starting to annoy me."
It was ironic to watch Billie sit at the table and sulk to herself as if she didn't get herself into this situation. These games that she claims to hate oh so much where the ones that she started and wanted to finish once she wasn't getting her way. You have just been with her for way too long not to be able to see her through and through. Billie hated the bitter taste of her own medicine, but she should've thought about that before she brushed you off when you asked about who that was on that instagram post.
You made her watch you flirt with a past fling all night. You could barely remember the lady's name when you two first bumped into her, but quickly she became valuable to you. All you had asked for was honesty about a post that was posted to tens of millions of people, but instead you were shut out. Billie brought this on herself, and it felt good to see her sitting there feeling sorry for you.
"Ooh, tell me more about your trip to Greece! I've been waiting to go, but sometimes it's hard when others won't cooperate with their schedules."
Billie was within earshot of the entire conversation and you didn't spare her one bit. You left her emotionally beaten and bruised every time you laid a hand on the body of someone you came close to being with years ago. Your attraction had faded greatly as you only had eyes for your girlfriend now, but Billie doesn't know that and at this moment anyone would think that the relationship was on its last legs. But just like you know Billie, she knows you too well for her own good. You were trying to make her feel the same way you did over an instagram post. Well, you had one the battle as your attempts to make Billie jealous was working, but Billie was well intentioned on winning the war.
Now as she confronts you about the only thing you can do is play dumb. You weren't going to give her the upper hand by outright admitting what you were doing. The way she dismissed you about posting photos of another girl damn near straddling her kept you up for days. Those 3 to 4 hours of sleep left you irritable and willing to do anything to get your point across. So in your eyes, you're not doing anything worse your girlfriend hasn't done.
"What are you talking about?" You asked her, cocking your head to the side and feigning innocence. 
Normally your pout was endearing but right now Billie wanted to fuck it off your face. Still surrounded by strangers who could possibly hear your conversation, Billie gives a deep sigh and she hangs her head down. It was a sign of utter defeat to you.
"Y/n," she sighs before leaning in and whispering, "You really want to do this right now?"
Those simple words were a warning shot. Billie didn't have to say much else. She didn't have to explain that she knows you after being together for two years. She didn't have to explain that they've done this song and dance before and that it's getting stale. Both are committed and faithful to this relationship, but sometimes things get hazy and the relationship is tested. Billie knows she's in the wrong, but getting those words to come out of her mouth is like pulling teeth. You two should be passed this stage, especially as you get older together, but clearly both of you are wrong. When one of you acts up, the other feels like they have no choice but to retaliate and somehow you're always the one always having to retaliate.
You don't want to hear it from her. You don't want to sit in the car on the way home and hear her give you some holier-than-thou speech as if she's the mature one in the relationship. It was easier to talk to you like that when you were side by side and she didn't have to look you in the eyes and act like she didn't do what she did. Did it feel good to flirt with someone you're no longer interested in? No, that part didn't feel good, but being able to glance over and see Billie sulking while surrounded by happy, partying people, it was better than any high or shot of alcohol here tonight.
"What am I doing? I'm at a party that you're ruining the vibe because you want to sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Get up, go talk to your friends." You didn't have much else to say to her and she kept her mouth shut too. Billie had nothing to say. Have you succeeded?
Billie was never afraid to drag out an argument, even in a setting like this. There was the great texting fiasco of Summer 2023 that ended with you staying at your friend's place for the weekend. So she was uncharacteristically quiet now. And in a surprising move, she just smiled at you. Your faces were so close together you thought she was going to kiss, but instead she leaned back. She grabbed her glass filled with whatever she had and brought it to her lips. Never did she pull her eyes away from you and you felt your grip on the situation loosening. You don't know what it means for you, for tonight and for the future, but you stepped away from her. You turned your back to her and joined a group of mutual friends. The former fling you were flirting with was nowhere to be found, but it didn't matter anymore. 
You felt Billie's eyes burning a hole right through you for the rest of the night. Despite the room being so loud, there was a ringing in your ears that dulled the sound of everything around you. You don't know how you were able to make it through the rest of the night acting like you usual self. The end of the night and car ride home were unbearable and equally silent. Billie's steady breathing was the only sound to fill your ears; so calm yet just as loud as the club's bass in your ears. The little battle you had earlier? It meant nothing now. Whatever victory you felt was replaced by the dread of worrying what was to come next. You expected a screaming match to take place as soon as the two of you crossed past that threshold into Billie's house. Instead Billie decided to do something she hasn't tried before. She was going to fuck the problem away.
Billie was pissed. The way she grabbed you, you don't think you've seen her so mad before. The two of you are no strangers to things getting a little rough, but there was so much more raw and animalistic about the way she touched you, the way she kissed you. Billie was gunning to win the war and she was going to disarm you in the best way she knew how. You don't understand how pissed she was seeing your flirt with an old fling like that, and what annoyed her the most is that you looked to actually be having a good time. She saw how you looked at this woman who has no name to her. You looked at her as if she meant something. Billie thought the photo she uploaded was to be expected from her and her friends. She thought you knew that sometimes one of them gets a little handsy but there was never any ill-intention behind it. Hell, you've seen it happen in front of your very eyes before and you didn't react. To her the difference between the post and what you did was that you intended to make the situation worse. You looked so into this woman, looking at her the same way you've looked at Billie before. Those eyes are only for her.
Billie wasn't nice or sweet tonight. She didn't tease you or suck on your tits for almost an hour like she usually loves to do. You were pushed onto the bed, face down ass up. You weren't able to see anything with your face in the covers. You had to guess what was happening based on the sounds around you. Billie was stealthy and quick, not giving you a second to adjust to what was going on. You felt something cool and wet hitting between your cheeks. You cursed yourself for not wearing underwear tonight, giving Billie easy access to both of your holes to do whatever she wanted with you. You felt something poke at your entrance and soon you were filled with 8 inches of thickness. The air was plucked right out of you as Billie pushed her strap all the way inside. She watched in awe how your arousal bursted through the seams. She pulled out and your juices had already completely covered her strap.
Billie pushes back into you after a few seconds. She started at a slow pace before gradually picking up speed, fucking you harder and faster. The residual anger from your little stunt tonight was fuleing her. When a girl acts up, sometimes she needs to be put in her place.
"You wanna tell me who that was tonight? Who was that girl, Y/n!"
You feel her grab a handful of your hair and she pulls your face out the bed. Her grip was tight enough to feel a prickly sensation on the edge of your scalp. You pulled your head back further to alleviate the pain. The question she asked you had completely slipped your mind as she filled your poor pussy with every inch of her strap. Billie didn't take so kindly to being ignored, so she asked you again. You could barely speak, but you tried your best.
"W-What girl?" You stutter through each thrust.
"Still playing dumb, huh?"
There was a tinge of playfulness in Billie's voice that could've you if you weren't getting fucked so hard. You were still trying to play the game she was built to beat you at. However, that girl doesn't matter to you and certainly she's irrelevant now. Your skin was flushed and sweaty. The sound of Billie's thighs meeting your ass reverberates in the room. How could you be thinking about some other woman when you're getting fucked within an inch of your life.
"If you wanted to be fucked like this baby all you had to do was laugh. You don't have to fight for my attention when you have it 24/7 sweetheart," Billie teased you with such a clear voice that amazed you she was able to concentrate on making you feel so small and fucking you skillfully. "You knew exactly what you were doing tonight, but you won't want to try that again after I'm done fucking this little pussy of yours."
Her words began to sound fuzzy as the tip of her strap kept agitating your sweet spot. You could barely keep yourself up, your arms giving away. The only thing keeping you up right now was Billie's tight grip on your hair. You were about to cum; dangerously close. All the tell-tale signs of your orgasm began firing off and that just happen to be the moment when Billie decided to pull out of you. You could whine and cry all you want, but Billie still pushed you off her strap. Your orgasm, the one you so desperately wanted, shuttered away as you sobbed into the sheets. You were surely a sight to take in. The strap rests against your ass, smearing your juices into your skin.
"Did you really think I was going to let you cum so fast? You really think you deserve that princess?"
Leave it to Billie to not give in so easily -- you should've seen this coming. You push yourself up on your palms until you're pushed back down onto the bed. Billie didn't have to use much force either which made her laugh at you. You were so weak and you hadn't even cum yet. 
"Pick a number, baby."
You thought you were hearing her wrong. Did she just ask you to pick a fucking number?
"Pick a number. 1-3."
It was stupid to indulge in whatever game she was playing, but you lifted your head and opened your mouth to utter, "2." You don't know why you even answered.
"Hmm," Billie hums. It's hard to read such a small reaction.
The sound of the drawer opening happens again. You don't have to see to know she's grabbing from the bottom "special" drawer, where she got the strap-on from. There were a few other toys in there and you suspect that's where the game comes in at.
"It's too bad you didn't pick 1, but I guess you spared your little ass tonight."
You were just spread out so perfectly for the buttplug she hasn't used on you yet. Billie would've been able to see her reflection in the shiny metal as it slipped into your tightest hole. Stretching your ass out while fucking you would've ruined you, you haven't tried that out yet. She imagines that you would've been begging her for forgiveness and permission to cum. Even seeing it in her active imagination makes her heart skip a beat. But, fate has decided for her and she's going to make the most of it.
The wand you unintentionally picked had only been used about two or three times. It's vibrations were so strong, something you felt like you had to get use to. Only on it's lowest setting were you able to handle it. Something powered only by batteries yet it was so powerful you were seeing stars the first time you used it.
"Get up."
Billie gave you the command but then she was moving your body herself. She laid on the bed and signaled for you to get on top of her. You go to straddle her before she stops you.
"Uh-uh. Turn the other way."
She made you turn away from and in the direction of a mirror. For the first time since going out tonight, you got a glimpse of yourself. Your hair looked a mess and your makeup had smudged a lot. Spit was drying in the corner of your mouth. You should've been ashamed about how you look and how Billie was slutting you out, but it made your pussy drip on Billie's skin. One, two, three she felt the drops of your arousal on her bare skin. She groaned, showing a moment of weakness for a second. Right then she knew she had to get you on her strap. She lowered you down with one hand. Somehow her strap felt so much bigger when you were sinking down on it this way. The way the girth stretched out just felt different when you were any other position. Billie doesn't fuck you in reverse cowgirl often so you were willing to underestimate her ability to fuck you as hard as you need like this, but quickly you were proven wrong.
Your skin slapped together harder and your tits bounce with every thrust up into your swollen twat. You thought it was a lot to handle until you felt the vibrations from the wand against your pussy. The slew of moans that fell from your lips were louder than before.
"Good girl! Keep moaning for me baby, show me just how much you love being fucked like this. Only I can fuck you like this."
Words like this were meant to only affect you, to drive home the point that you were a slut for Billie and Billie only, but somehow she fueled her own desire. She was fucking up into you with reckless abandon. You were so close to losing your mind from being fucked like that from below while the vibrator was placed firmly against your swollen clit. You had no choice but to endure it as your eyes rolled in the back of your head. 
"Whose pussy's this? Who does this pussy belong to, girl," the way she addressed you and the stinging grip on your hip made you spiral. Billie has flirted with degrading you more and more in bed, but tonight she spoke as if this came natural to her. She questioned as if something would happen if you didn't answer her. The worst thing she, or anyone else, could do to you at this moment is deny you of another sweet release. It's a miracle you're not squirting all over her strap that bullying its way into you. The head of her strap hits your cervix so deliciously. She questions you as if you're capable of speaking right now when the vibrator is sending you into orbit. You've officially been rendered stupid and unable to form words.
It takes a solid minute and everything inside of you to be able to muster up the energy to be able to answer you.
"Yours! Oh god it's yours!" You force out with a desperate cry. Your body is beginning to hunch over in weakness as she continues to pound you. You've never felt so pathetic in your life, unable to stand your ground, but never did failure feel so good. The stretch and the buzz was addicting and you were ready to let go of everything that's been pent up inside of your body.
The way you answer satisfies Billie, finally. The sobs of your pure devotion made relief wash over her. She's happy.
She doesn't stop her pounding until you're cumming and crying out loudly for her. Your toes curl as you come the hardest you have in a long, long time. Billie's grip on you was still harsh, painful even, causing the pain to mix with your everlasting pleasure. This is what might be the longest orgasm of your life and it comes after another stalemate in your relationship.
It was almost impossible to be able to come back to reality. You didn't even notice the vibrator had been turned off and discarded onto the bed until Billie stopped pumping into you completely. Satisfaction stirred deep in your hips as you sat there with her strap situated inside of you. Billie was holding you up with both hands now as if you would fall apart into a million pieces if she let go. And let go she never did.
Your heavy limbs find relief when you're laid against the bed. It feels like you're floating on a cloud compared to how it felt before. You were in a state of disbelief, asking yourself, 'did that shit really happen?' 
You weren't going to regain your composure after that, and you weren't going to even try. Billie is already up and moving around, disappearing for a few minutes before she comes back with a wet towel waiting to clean you up. She pushes your legs apart and gently rubs the warm towel against your sensitive skin.
"I think you left a present over there."
She nods her head in the direction of the wet spot on the bed. Did you squirt? You don't even have a fucking clue if you did or not but you hide your face in your hands anyway.
"Oh god," you groan.
"We can always sleep in the other room."
"I don't think I can move, Bil."
You had a million and one questions, but you were utterly worn out and Billie's face was flushed pink from all the work she put in. You two have more to answer for in the morning, and a need to explain why you both acted up so much. Seeing you so vulnerable made the words 'I'm sorry, I was wrong' want to bubble up in Billie's throat. Instead she kisses the two sweet thighs she loves so much. The nonverbal apology will always come before remorseful words out of Billie's lips. Holding you until you fall asleep will stand in just for the night.
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inkdrinkerworld · 3 days
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HI!!! I LOVEEE your work and how you write Remus! If ur still taking requests, I was wondering if you could write something like reader tell remus about her bad experience with her ex and that’s why she’s not very touchy and kinda freaks out when he kisses her?
allusion to a past relationship that was unkind and a partner who did not respect your boundaries, but no graphic mention of it
You love physical contact. You love the feeling of someone holding you, kissing you and just being next to you.
Or at least you used to love it. When it had still been gentle and full of affection.
Remus' touch reminds you of how much affection can be conveyed in just the simplest of touches. Still, no matter how gentle and how much warning Remus gives you, sometimes it's unstoppable the way you tense against his skin.
You don't know why today it seems harder than usual to accept the gentleness and the openness of his touch, but you can't seem to get it together.
Remus feels it finally when he presses a kiss to your thigh as he makes to lay between your legs and he pauses, suddenly insecure.
"Have I done something wrong dove?" you shake your head, nibbling on your lip as you try to figure out how to tell him.
"Not you, Rem."
He frowns. "But something is wrong?"
You sigh, not liking that you're making your boyfriend worried, but also worried how your admission will make him feel. It's not like it's Remus' fault some men are rough and like to take advantage of others.
"You know how sometimes you block things out and they don't bother you till they suddenly appear a few years later?" Remus nods, sitting near your legs but not touching you. His hands sit idly in his lap and you can tell they're itching to at least hold your ankle.
"Sometimes, you'll kiss me or be so gentle and touch me like I'm made of glass that I remember not everyone has touched me like that and I get sucked back to that time."
Remus coos, "I'm sorry people have treated you less than you deserve, dove." It bothers Remus immensely that anyone thought they'd had a right to you and made you feel like you'd not had the authority to tell them no.
You shrug, it doesn't bother you anymore. Like you said, you forget about those days most times.
"Should I ask before I touch you? Would that make it easier?" You shake your head, tentative as you climb into Remus' lap- like a fawn learning to walk for the first time.
Remus keeps his hands to himself till you're fully seated and even then he waits for you to rest them on the dip in your waist. "I like it when you touch me, Remus. You remind me that not everyone is rough and mean."
He presses his forehead into yours, hazel eyes shining with love and adoration as he looks at you. "I'll always touch you gently lovely girl, you're the most precious thing to me."
You smile, flustering even more when his hands sneak up the back of your shirt. "More precious than your chocolate and books?"
Remus kisses you for an answer, lips tasting a bit like his special dark chocolate and salted caramel bar. "More than anything this world has to offer."
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mixelation · 2 days
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oh wait do you remember locket??? the AU where minato yoinks karin from kusa??? i randomly started rotating it again
karin is one year ahead of naruto at the academy
i feel like kusa would be upset about losing their magic healing doll so someone attempts to kidnap her like three months in. this gets shut down IMMEDIATELY and really boosts karin's individual trust in her adoptive family
i also wrote part of a scene of minato freaking out days after the Incident (not like bad freaking out, like he randomly checks in on her and is like "hey you're okay, right?") and he tells karin it's normal to be upset about bad things days and days about after they happen. so karin mulls this over and is like "what about YEARS after they happen?"
minato knew kusa was bad but karin tells him how bad, and he's like what the fuck??? and apologizes her to for not getting her out earlier. bc it is logical to not want to restart a war; however that was BEFORE he had a cute adopted daughter. now those people can just die :)
i'm not sure how this goes but i think kushina would want to recover the uzushio objects/seals that kusa took away form kasumi/karin, and then also what if she got to murder some people. idk how this part would go
i decided karin's genin team is unnamed jounin, sai, and kabuto.
my usual take for minato lives AUs is that Danzo ends up fucking around for years under his Kageship while minato has to figure out 1) he needs to be shut down, and then 2) how to do it without pissing off danzo's supporters. so in locket, minato has only recently shut down ROOT. sai is still sort of messed up as a result but he gets a few years of socializing in the academy before being put on a genin team. i don't think he and karin get along automatically, but she has a lot of secret sympathy for him as a fellow outsider
kabuto is a few years older and has been a genin for a while, but minato went for a nonstandard pick because he can see a situation where karin has to pick between healing someone and reigniting her own trauma, or letting her teammate suffer. and like.... she WILL have to learn to navigate that, and he's not going to baby her forever because he wants her to grow up to be an independent strong kunoichi, but also she is his special little girl and he can make it easier by putting a skilled medic on her team.
however minato's presence doesn't mitigate orochimaru. karin's "c-rank gone wrong" mission is kabuto being like "hey kid with uzumaki longevity and stamina and magic blood, wanna be orochimaru's new body???"
good news: karin unlocks her chains and resists her own kidnapping! bad news: jounin-sensei is dead, sai is injured, and kabuto runs off
i think brining her friend back from the brink of death would be like... the first time karin ever feels empowered by her magic blood. so like there's NEW trauma but also she's steadily learning to deal with her old trauma
i guess i never decided if team minato is also alive in this AU. if yes, i think her replacement jounin would be like..... obito or rin
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ahgasegotarmy116 · 5 hours
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Just Take It | Jeon Jungkook | Part 7
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Summary: Your friend "date" with Jungkook is interesting but thankfully the events from this morning don't prevent you from having a good time. Pairing: Inexperienced f!reader x Best Friend's Dad Jungkook (20 year age gap) Word Count: 3.8K (I'm sorry it's short but I wanted to get it out since it's been way too long) Warnings: No real warnings other than slightly jealous and possessive Jungkook (but we all know that's a good warning 🤭) a/n: It's been fucking four months I'm so sorry 😭 It's been so hard for me to update my series recently since my attention span literally sucks right now so one shots have been a lot easier to get out but hopefully some of you guys are still around to read this story 🥲 p.s. the last third of this isn't edited at all so please ignore any nonsense 😅
After Jungkook and I finally agree on an outfit for me to wear we head off to whatever mysterious location he's taking us to. 
"You gonna pout all the way there?" he teases, pointing out my crossed arms and legs and the fact that I haven't spoken to him since we left. "I told you I hate surprises" I grumble, the feeling of the unknown making me uncomfortable. 
"You've gotta live a little Darling" he teases and goes back to driving. He hands me his phone that's plugged into the aux as a sign for me to put on a playlist and that brings up my mood right away. He chuckles when he sees me put on my favorite song since he knows that music always lifts my spirits.
"You're never gonna get tired of this song are you?" he sighs, this being the twelfth time he's asked. "Nope" I answer, popping the 'p' at the end. "This song came out when you were two years old" he chuckles, trying to clue me in but I don't pay any mind to it. "All the more reason to like it!" I argue back and he shakes his head.
"Perfect Man by Shinhwa is a masterpiece and I will accept no arguments" I say, making my statement on the matter final. 
There's a quiet air that's hung between us for a couple moments before when both bust out laughing. "I swear we never fail to have the same conversation every time I play this song" I point out and he smiles.
"That's because I love watching you defend something with your whole being. It's cute" he says and my throat gets dry. 
This being the first semi flirty comment he's thrown at me since everything happened. Well, besides commenting on how I look because who wants to be told nothing after putting on a cute outfit, even when he's the one who's chosen it. 
His comments have been nothing but respectful so there's no harm in letting him do as he pleases but it's just making this whole friends ordeal a lot harder.
~~~~~~
As we pull up to the place he had kept a secret from me I realize why he had me wear this specific outfit since from the looks of it we've come to some sort of ropes course. 
"I've never been to one of these" I say, marveling at the zip lines, ropes, ladders and pulley systems that are strewn about this forested area.
"Do you wanna give it a try? We can always just go to the restaurant they have here but I thought I would still offer it since I told you I had something fun planned for us" he offers, leaving the choice up to me but I nod my head immediately, really wanting to try it out. 
"Yeah?" he chuckles when he sees my excitement grow. "Yes! Come on let's go!" I say, grabbing his hand and trying to drag him along.
"Wait a second Bunny" he chuckles, holding me back and I watch him as he opens the trunk and grabs a big hoodie for me to wear. "So we don't mess up that pretty little top you're wearing" he says and the playfulness around the statement making my heart skip a beat. 
"I could've brought my own" I say but he shakes his head in protest. "It's easier this way so you don't have to worry about it getting dirty, now arms up" he says and I furrow my brow. "Jungkook I can put it on myself" I laugh but he doesn't find it amusing. "I know, arms up" he orders and I do as he says, laughing at the no doubt comical sight of him struggling with it. 
"You know now that I think about it it's a lot easier to take your clothes off than it is to put them on" he casually says, making me wack him in the arm once the hoodie is on properly. "Friends Jungkook. Or I can go back to calling you Mr. Jeon" I say with an arched brow and he chuckles. "Friends" he agrees and closes the trunk.
"So can we go now?" I ask, glancing over at the course before looking back to him for approval. "Yes Bunny go ahead" he says, giving me the go ahead and following after me as I make a bee line for the equipment room. 
"Hi!" I say excitedly to the guy at the counter when it's my turn to check us in. "Hey, first time?" he chuckles, me looking around at everything with a childlike wonder in my eyes. "Yeah! I honestly didn't even know a place like this existed around here" I admit, Jungkook again taking me to a place I had never been before. 
I guess he really is determined to take all of my firsts. 
"Well I hope you'll come around more often then, there's a whole lot more to experience than just these ropes" he says and in my awestruck state I don't notice the suggestive tone behind his wording. 
"You find something you like?" he asks, my sight going past him and looking at all the harnesses. "I have a friend that's coming in a second so do you think you could get us two?" I ask while pointing at them. 
"Sure, is your friend as pretty as you are?" he asks and before I can even think of a response someone is interrupting our conversation. "I would think so" I hear a deep voice say behind me, his hand placed on my hip in a slight possessive manner making my breath hitch. 
The boy's eyes widen a bit, looking at the dynamic between the two of us and doesn't exactly know what to make of it and decides to go find harnesses for the both of us. 
"What was that?" I ask, whipping around and glaring up at him. "What? We agree to be friends for a little while and suddenly you're ready to jump ship?" Jungkook says, crossing his arms and watching as the boy not so casually glances over at us. 
"He was just being friendly" I scoff, knowing for a fact that he wasn't but playing into this oblivious act I had accidentally fallen into. "Right...friendly" he says in a monotone, not wanting to get into a senseless argument and taking the high road. I don't miss the way his hand balls into a fist for a second before relaxing it once I've decided to drag him over to look at the little souvenirs they have in the shop. 
"Alright here's a harness for you, and one for you sir." the employee says, a flirtatious tone in his voice when he addresses me and a more strict and professional voice when he addresses Jungkook. 
"Did you want some help putting that on?" the boy asks, clearly just taking it as a chance to get closer to me since Jungkook's slight display of possessiveness of me wasn't a big enough clue that we may...or may not be together. "Oh no that's okay, I'm sure you've got other things to do" I deny, stepping into it on my own and in true y/n fashion I end up tripping over one of the straps. 
"Careful Darling" Jungkook says, steadying me on my feet and when I look back over at the boy he's awkwardly frozen with his arms out, having intended to help me but decided against it since he was smart enough to realize that it might not be the smartest idea. 
I look between the boy and Jungkook and see how Jungkook hasn't stopped glaring at him no matter how uncomfortable the boy is. "Looks like you've got other customers to help" Jungkook says, nodding towards the people at the counter, clearly looking to check in just as we did. 
"Right, well let me know if you need anything" he responds, his focus completely on me as he relays his message. "I will" Jungkook jumps in and the boy nervously glances between the two of us before heading over to the counter and helping the group of four that just came in. 
"Was that really necessary?" I ask, my arms crossed over my chest as Jungkook tightens the harness on me, making sure I won't need any 'help' with it later. "He was trying way too hard and he clearly couldn't get a clue about us" he says, his glare still prevalent in his direction. 
"Jungkook there isn't an 'us' right now okay" I say and he sighs. "Keep on telling yourself that" he mumbles quite enough that I couldn't make it out when another crowd comes in. "What was that?" I ask but he quickly brushes it off and herds me out of the store before it gets even more crowded. 
As we wait for the group to now gather in the waiting area outside neither of us have spoken a word to each other, stealing glances every so often since we just can't help it. We're attracted to each other and from my point of view I don't think that's gonna change anytime soon. 
"Alright everyone can I get you all gathered over here?" that same guy from inside the shop calls out and we all do as he says with Jungkook cursing under his breath. "Fucking fantastic, he's our leader" he grumbles but I grab him by the arm and drag him so we can catch up with the group. 
"Come on I thought you said this was supposed to be fun" I say and he sighs, collecting himself and slowly changing his attitude. "Alright I'm sorry Darling" he says, not dragging his feet or sulking anymore and putting that nonsensical jealously out of his head...at least for right now. 
"Alright welcome welcome everyone to BranchBound Adventures! How's everyone doing today?" he asks and we all let out cheers of excitement but what I don't notice is the way that Jungkook looks at me with a soft smile when he realizes again how much I'm loving this already. He takes a mental note to bring me here again soon so he can watch that same childlike excitement bloom again. 
"Excellent, looks like we've got a fun group here today! Well my name is Jayson and this is Kimberly and we're gonna be your BranchBound Buddies, sound good?" he says and I can't ignore the way Jungkook snorts at the title they've been given but it's only loud enough for me to hear thankfully. 
"Behave!" I scold, not wanting to turn this into some sort of immaturity contest when he knows damn well he's a grown ass adult and he should not be acting like this. He holds his hands up in surrender when he sees my glare but can't help but smirk at the fact that Jayson as we've recently found out his name is watching our exchange. 
As the day goes by and we're close to the end of our little ropes course adventure Jayson decides it's now or never and decides to make another move. 
"You've done a great job today! Didn't know you would be so good with ropes" he says, not hiding the fact that he's probably imagining using these ropes on me in a completely different context. "Yeah I didn't know I would be either" I chuckle and look over and see Jungkook glaring daggers into Jayson's forehead while he hooks me up to the zip line.
"Did you want to go nice and slow or fast?" he asks, his eyes drinking me in but I don't pay him any mind as I just watch the way that Jungkook is reacting to our exchange. "Y/n?" Jayson asks, breaking me out of the trance I had been lost in, thinking about what Jungkook would do to me after this if we were together. 
"Sorry what?" I ask and I can tell that he's pretty much starting to get the memo at this point. "Nothing, just tuck your legs in close to you if you want to go faster" he explains and I nod my head and wait while Jungkook gets hooked up to the other line thats parallel to mine. 
"Wanna race?" I challenge him since I know he would never back down from one. "What do I get if I win?" he says with a smirk.
"Whatever you want..." I say nervously and I have a feeling I'm going to regret that. "...but I want ice cream if I win!" I say to wipe away the tension but he brings it right back with his claim if he wins.
"I want a kiss" he says and when he clearly sees the way that I'm gearing up to protest a simple cock of his brow silences that. "You said that I could have anything I want right?" he asks I sigh and nod, my energy to go back on my word dissipating. 
It's just one kiss right?
"Deal" I agree and he can't hold back the smile and vote of confidence it gives him. "Get ready to lose" he says and before I have a chance to argue back Kimberly is counting us off and in my semi scattered state Jungkook takes off before me giving him a ten second head-start. 
"No fair!" I call after him when I'm finally able to catch up and he let's out a hearty laugh. "You're the one who proposed this whole race Bunny" he says making me look away, 'his timing with that nickname is always impeccable', I think to myself as I hide my blush.
"Hurry up!" I hear him call out as he is suddenly a lot further down the line than I am. "Hey!" I laugh, deciding to put that thought away to not sour my mood and just focus on there here and now. 
Once I finally get to the end Jungkook has already gotten unhooked from the zip line and is standing victorious waiting to claim his prize. 
"You only won because you're taller than me" I grumble as if I'm actually upset that he won when in fact the thought of him putting in effort just to kiss me make my heart beat faster. "I thought smaller things were supposed to be more aerodynamic" he teases in response but I huff and stand in front of him, clearly waiting for him to claim his reward. 
"I didn't say when I was going to kiss you" he teases and walks away and back toward the shop where we had first come from since our time is up. "Hey!" I protest again, not liking the slight embarrassment he caused me. 
"Oh come on you'll be okay" he teases as he takes his harness off and then helps me out of mine after. "Whatever" I huff and something behind me catches his eye and before I'm able to turn around he's knocking me off my feet and giving me a rather over exaggerated kiss if you ask me to the point that people are whistling and hyping us up.
I hit on his chest when I'm finally running out of air and he carefully puts me back on my feet and when I catch the sight of Jayson staring at us with an unreadable expression on his face I know now why he did that. 
"You're insufferable" I huff and fix my rumbled clothes from his breathless kiss but he doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. "Interesting response after receiving a kiss that made you blush but I'll take it" he shrugs and we both head back into the gift shop for the last time so Jungkook can no doubt flaunt the fact that from Jayson's point of view we're together. 
Honestly I could care less and I won't deny that it was hot as fuck watching him get angry with the very minimal interactions Jayson and I had but I won't let him have that satisfaction. "Didn't realize you were so insecure" I taunt and make sure his eyes are on me before I look over to where Jayson is still clearly watching us and give him a flirty wave goodbye with Jungkook hurrying to usher me out. 
"I wouldn't be insecure if you were mine already so until then you'll have to be patient with me" he says through gritted teeth, a reaction I was hoping for from that little stunt I pulled. "I can manage" I say and walk off towards the only restaurant here where I'm sure he was planning on taking me and when he follows me and has a hand placed low on my waist to guide me there my suspicions are confirmed. 
"Reservation for Jeon" he says to the host at the front desk and while he looks for it Jungkook's demeanor is a little softer, that soft maturity coming back from having us in a controlled and relaxed environment. "Right this way Mr and Mrs. Jeon" the host says and I practically choke on air at that, the title mistakenly given to me sending my heart into overdrive. 
"Don't worry she's fine, come on Honey" Jungkook reassures the waiter as Jungkook encourages me along to follow him to our table. 
Once we're seated our waiter comes by immediately to bring us water since I had clearly caused enough of a spectacle to garner a hurried solution for my coughing fit. He gives us our menus as well soon after and leaves us be, allowing me some more space to compose myself. 
Jungkook can't hide the smile he's had since my reaction had started and has turn slightly smug at seeing the blush it had caused me. "Shut up" I grumble and take another gulp of water having traded his glass for mind since I had practically drank mine in one go after that. 
"I didn't say anything" he chuckles leaving me glaring at him. "But your face did" I say after having put my almost empty glass back down on the table. "Oh yeah? And what is it saying now?" he asks, leaning forward as if he was giving me a better look at it. 
"It's saying that you're enjoying the fact that I'm still squirming over the thought of being called Mrs. Jeon" I say and he sits back, proud of my intuition. "Impressive Bunny. Better get used to it though" he says cockily and I narrow my eye at him and scoff. 
"You're pretty confident for someone I technically haven't agreed to date" I say but his smirk widens before throwing out a playful 'Yet' and our waiter is back at our table before I have a chance to argue back. 
After the waiter has taken our order and a little while after is bringing out our food our conversations have gone back to what had been seen as normal for us. A slight flirty edge to his words which I not so subtly glare at in response always making him chuckle but it's getting harder and harder for me to want to do that.
Why should I scold him? It's not like I don't want him too...
As we finish up the day with the ice cream I technically did not earn we start to make our way back to his car where he opens the door for me and make it a point to put on my seatbelt so I can still enjoy the cone I'm almost finished with. 
"Thanks Dad" I tease after he's buckled me in like a child and I'm granted a sarcastic smile in return only making me smile harder. He closes the door and gets in on his side and soon we're on our way back to the house...
~~~~~
The ride back is quiet, comfortable but quiet with the only sound being the hum of my playlist coming through the speaker and the gusts of cool air coming through the vents but it's soon broken by the question he's been wanting to ask. 
"Did you have fun?" it's a simple question but I know thoughts of what had happened earlier today are coming back to him as we get closer and closer to the house. "I did, a lot actually. You're not too shabby at planning dates" I confirm and he glances over with a smirk. 
"I thought this wasn't a date?" he counters and I chuckle. "It wasn't until you kissed me" I say and he shakes his head. "A kiss equals a date, got it" he says quietly, tucking that information into his back pocket and I can't help but smile as I see a soft one still rests on his lips. 
~~~~
When we finally pull into the driveway and he turns off the engine I hold onto his arm for a second, asking him to stay in the car for a second so he does and sits back and keeps his eyes on me, waiting for what I have to say.
The thing is is that I don't know what to say, I don't even know why I asked him to stay in here but he just watches me fondly, not rushing anything and waiting patiently for me. 
"I don't think we can be friends" I say, looking down at my lap so I can't see the expression he has on his face. "What do you mean by that Bunny?" he asks, that nickname making my heart skip a beat like it does every time and I shake my head, still looking down at my lap. "I mean, I don't wanna be friends" I say hoping he'll understand and when he lifts my chin I expect him to ask me to explain what I mean but instead I'm met with his lips on mine.
They're not full of passion or lust or anything of the sort. Just pure longing and understanding, understanding of the want to go about things at my own pace, an understanding that he's okay with going slow and that's all I need. 
"We can go slow" he says after we've broken the kiss, audibly confirming what he had physically displayed and I bite back a smile and nod before placing a soft kiss on his lips. 
"Thank you" I whisper and he pulls away to get a better look at me. "Whatever for?" he asks in such a cute way I can't help but laugh. "For not forcing me or making me feel bad about my indecision" I say and he smiles and cups my face, brushing his thumb along my cheekbone, a sad smile on his face at the thought of what I might've gone through with Jared that would require that sense of relief from his actions. 
"I'm sorry about this morning" I say even softer this time and he nods, "I know" and those two words bring me comfort in ways that he couldn't understand even if I told him.
I was scared shitless that I had messed things up, that I had done something that could've damaged us beyond repair but his words and actions from today told me nothing of the sort. 
His maturity shows that he knows what he wants and I want to open up and show him that in return...but I just hope I won't regret it.
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radicheart · 3 days
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so...some updates.
i had to quit my job due to the physical toll it was taking on me. right now i'm still struggling to walk due to my lower back feeling really sprained. i think i pulled a muscle or something and my recovery is slow.
i do feel better than i did a week ago, though. i could hardly move at all without the pain being so overwhelming that i wanted to cry. now it's still there and i can't bend over very well, but i can at least move around.
physical pain aside, i've been struggling to write or talk to people in general due to my mental health taking a bit of a nosedive. i've had some pretty bad history over the years with trying to talk to people (both online and in person) and having what i say either be glossed over or outright ignored. i also have a constant worry that i'm bothering people whenever i do get comfortable and start sending a bunch of messages to them. as a result of both points, it's become really hard for me to approach anyone.
i do think that it's partially my fault for not trying harder. and i do understand that people are busy, or aren't in the mood to talk/write for whatever reason. it just feels like everyone i know is going through that communicative rut, so i don't have very many people i feel comfortable approaching on my own.
i've been writing on discord, though. at least a little. i know not everyone writes on discord, and that's okay too. it's just easier for me to write on there than it is here since it doesn't make my anxiety flare up nearly as badly.
as of right now, i'm not too sure what my stance is on being more active. i know i made that post a while back about approaching people in dms, and it got a pretty big response (which i am very grateful for!). but i'm not sure if i have the drive to do much of anything on this site at the moment. i feel pretty drained in general, and coming on here just to experience a constant fomo (fear of missing out, for those that don't know), as well as feeling insignificant/replaceable, doesn't help in the slightest.
so, for right now, i'll be sticking to discord. if you have me on there already, feel free to give me a nudge if you like. and if you don't have me on there, feel free to add me. my username is sunibuni. you don't need to ask me if it's ok to add me. you have my permission per this post.
thanks for reading and being patient and understanding as always. i hope y'all have a great day/night. <3
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barghest-land · 7 months
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wanted to write a long ass rant post but i'm just gonna say that i absolutely hate lonely evenings after work. idk, work doesn't really matter tbh. but one more second of me not speaking to people and i'll die this is a warning
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lunarharp · 9 months
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figured i'd do this again..bit early i guess..
#to cheer me up.. i feel bad atm.. these things don't even make me feel very good tho bc i'm such a narrative/sketch-based artist..#but Proper Beautiful Finished Pieces are what grab attention and look good at the end of the year all neatly lined up lol.....#so looking at a “yearly review” where i can only choose 'the best image of the month' (??) is like...What have i even been doing...#i did a month by month look back on twt for myself instead..but even that doesn't express the quantity of comic-based stuff..#that i do put a lot of time/heart into..but alas i feel bad bringing even them back..RTing/reblogging my own art simply feels bad lol..#AND WHY IS IT ALL B&W...trying to accept that i LIKE doing that and sketching and scribbling..not like i'm trying to like..Get Artist Job..#this year was so profoundly lonely at times bc i spent all my time drawing instead of socialising and trying to find friends....#please please please have achieved more of your dreams in the future so you can look back at 2023 and think..#It was good that happened so that it got me further to the future. Or whatever i guess.....................#regardless i did have a great amount of fun drawing and improving this year and dwelling deeply & heavily on witch hat atelier.#art-wise and emotionally....march july & september were the best months i think..AUGUST WAS SO WEIRD SUMMER IS SO EVIL ALWAYS.#thank you very much if you are reading this for enjoying & leaving nice tags & such like <3 i've realised how fulfilling that is to receive#really keeps me posting stuff here instead of keeping it all to myself in my head#i wish everyone in this world could have a safe and happy end of year. i wish living in this world were easier
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chickie-birdies · 2 months
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Recently bought the chickens a rat-proof feeder because the world's biggest pack of rats has moved in and I've had enough. Training the chickens to use it is going well, if slowly. (It would be a lot faster if I still lived with my chickens, or at least lived closer than 30 minutes away... 😅 I can't be there all the time to work with them.)
Midnight, however, refuses to engage with the thing and instead stands next to it looking cranky while she watches the young'uns eat.
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#unfortunately the seller forgot to send me the part that makes the door close softly 🙄 he'll send it soon tho#it would definitely be easier to teach the chickens that this contraption is safe if it didn't slam closed#it would probably also be easier if they'd ever eaten out of a feeder of any sort ever in their lives 😅#midnight has been eating off the ground for 11 years and doesn't seem keen to eat out of some newfangled noisy tin can#but hopefully it'll get easier#if the chickens get hungry enough they'll eat out of anything i figure#anyway the star of these training sessions is definitely tofu. she's very shy so i didn't expect her to try it so quick but#apparently she'll do anything for bread scraps!#midnight#tofu#crow#oh yeah more quick notes#the front panel on the feeder is open in these photos bc i was still in the process of adjusting the spring tension#also I've since rearranged the bricks so it's easier for the chickens to stand in front of it#i reeeeally hope this works bc. you guys. the rats are SO bad#i was at the end of my rope i was seriously almost ready to simply get rid of all the chickens i was so stressed#things haven't been easy for me regarding all my animals i had to leave behind when i moved. i miss them every day#I'm also so not used to living in a house without a single animal. I've always had pets around til now#i want a cat but I'm holding out hope that i can convince my parents to give me MY cat. my dad refused to let me take her#and I'm worried about her. she needs more specialized care and she will never receive it in that house#sigh anyway. i have a lot on my mind
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lee-blogs · 5 days
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Still packing stuff and now i'm looking for a box for this.
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My dad and i made it a few years ago for halloween, probably 2015/16 if i'm remembering right. It's made from a lays can, a wipes container from his work, and paper maché. I don't remember what the wires and front metal bits are from, but the middle actually lights up! It has one of those long battery-powered emergancy lights in it and some colored tissue paper
#lee rambles#I gotta fix the metal bits on the front#they keep coming out of place and drooping down. maybe some hot glue'll work since i don't want to melt the styrofoam under the paper#I went as Chell that year#with a shitty handmade Aperature Science shirt lol#Also as a sidenote since i'm already talking a bunch in the tags#I have no idea if we're actually going to be able to afford to move or not#so we're kinda thinking about staying where we are and seeing how things go over the next few years#i know it's in my dad's will to sell but with how expensive rentals are i doubt we'd be able to afford 2k+ a month on top of our other bills#I just hope my Uncle doesn't give us too much shit about it. We didn't get much from the life insurances he had#definitely not enough to live on for long on its own#but 800 a month for the house is a lot more doable than 2000#we don't want to end up having to kill ourselves working just to make ends meet. That's probably what would happen if we moved#i dunno#just... thinking a lot about the future. I honestly hope we stay#It'd get rid of a lot of stress if we stayed. We'd still get rid of a bunch of things but... it'd be easier.#We weren't even really allowed to grieve. once the funeral was over we just had to start packing our lives away.#i'm a little bitter about it really. They've gotten to grieve and be away from the situation. We've had to be there the whole time.#We might've all been there the day he passed but they weren't there for his bad days. They weren't there helplessly watching as he slowly#got more and more tired. and sick. and depressed.#I don't know what we're going to do.#I didn't mean for this to turn all venty. sorry about that if you've read this far
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morathicain · 1 year
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Haterant- Callout post - Hello:
So apparently there are SandRay fans on twitter (haven't seen the take here, thank the gods) who hate the RayMew kiss. Not because Mew was manipulating and using Ray to hurt Top and without having feelings for him while both were on drugs and drunk, which Ray had started, BUT because they perceive both as bottoms and they think two bottoms kissing each other is BAD and YIKES and it would have been better if Top and Sand kissed WHICH WOULDN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE PLOTWISE YOU DIPSHITS!
Fans of the ship really out there vomiting up the worst of takes although we fought for years to move on from the Top/Bottom take (and Jojo himself has bludgeoned the damn take in his shows).
Ngl but those fans are more toxic than any of the characters on the show and have proven with this that they don't care for the plot or the characters but only their faves and ships (oh, also apparently they say SandRay are not popular? What?????)! It's truly sad how little reading comprehension is in the last braincell of some of them and how much disrespect for an intriguing story and the characters' background stories and development.
Please, just stop watching the show, nuances are wasted on you, thank you.
(plus this might just NOT be your kind of show - and that's okay)
(this also includes the ones who demand more sweet SandRay scenes and are outraged that they fuck up and that they're such a mess and no soulmates - we were never promised a sweet rom com but exactly the toxic, complicated mess we're getting now - live with it and stop watching! it's okay if it's not your kind of show - there's no need to watch just because your faves are in it)
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menlove · 6 months
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honestly I feel like the go to etiquette for ao3 should be if you read smth all the way through just drop a kudos..... ofc u can't force anyone to do anything but I figure even if I didn't wind up enjoying it as much as I thought I would it's the least I can do to show my appreciation when it was obviously good enough to keep me reading to the end
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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...
#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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fr0gg13b413 · 10 months
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growing up in a generation where a random text message of love causes an instinctive knee-jerk reaction of 'they are not okay right now, they are dying, they need help'. is a truly horrifying thought.
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dogearedheart · 3 days
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🏞🏞🏞
#the thing is I'm not proud of many things I've done. It's actually the exact opposite.#I kinda suck most of the time if I'm honest. but getting sober and doing it all on my own...#it's one of the only things I'm proud of when it comes to myself. sure.it's my third attempt but 1 year and 3 months...#it's the longest time I've ever managed to not try and deal with myself in a way that slowly but surely fucked me up in a very different way#I still struggle. some days are easier than others#but I'm still doing it.#being sober doesn't magically solve all my other issues but I don't spiral as much as I used to.#i don't think I'll ever be someone people can be around. which is like i don't blame people. i know how i am and how fucking difficult it is#to deal with that. the fear of abandonment that makes me push people away until they leave. the self-fulfilling prophesy of it all#the way i push and when i get the result i was expecting the immediate pull the fear and irrationality#the emotional disreggulation the self-pity#it's gotten better since i stopped drinking. less frequently and all that... but it's never gone not really#sometimes i think about the what could've beens.#what if my childhood went a little differently. what if my dad was there for me when i needed him. what if i wasn't me.#my ex best friend once told me that I'm to desperate to be saved. that nobody can do that anyway.#I'm not sure if I'd deserve it anyway. i have dreams in which I'm still me still dark and ugly and selfish and cruel at times#but i am trying i like to believe that i am already trying. i am. I'm just scared that it'll never be enough.#I'm not proud of many things but I'm 1 year and 3 months sober#only a few days and it's gonna be 1 year and 4 months#i didn't achieve much in my life but I'm here and i am trying every day i am trying and i hope on day it'll be enough#i hope one day i won't cause pain but build something good#sorry... I've just been thinking about it lately#because it is an achievement and i didn’t let myself be proud of how far I've come#alex talks#I'm still scared that people will look at me differently when they know... sometimes i feel like they can see the my rotten core anyway#to delete
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