#it's insane... i truly can't figure out if i'm at fault and if i am how can i change???

[theloveinc]

More professor drama? 👀

yes. and boy did it break. my. heart :) ...

I'm in a math class, right? And it's catered towards non-majors who're just looking to fulfill a specific credit so we don't have to pay to test out. and i'm HELLA bad at math but i really enjoy this class b/c the teacher and TA are so helpful and kind and i'm actually learning etc. etc.

anyway, out of the blue my counselor (who is unrelated to math AT ALL) reaches out to schedule a reflection on the class with the head of my grad department (and would not tell me why)... only to postpone the meeting for two weeks, and THEN TELL ME I'VE BEEN BEHAVING POORLY IN MY CLASS???? not grades related, BEHAVIOR RELATED.

and so i'm fucking like, stunned and confused, i keep asking what i've done, why isn't the actually prof. talking to me, what i need to do, etc. and no one tells me shit until i'm literally SOBBING on this zoom meeting because apparently i'm being punished??

and finally i guess i cry hard enough for them to believe it was all unintentional and i DON'T know what they're talking about, and they fucking. tell me that i've been asking "too many questions" such that the whole class is distracted AND that i've been refusing to work with the TA (which isn't even true?????) ...

which is ridiculous bc the professor himself has NEVER mentioned to me that i ask for help too much, and i've been working with the TA since the beginning of the class???????

so i'm completely fucking blindsided by this bc i genuinely. LOVED. this class, so to find out I'VE BEEN A PROBLEM IS REALLY DEVASTATING.

and i go to email my teacher and ta apologies, just reflecting on like, how sorry i am my behavior came across so poorly and etc. AND ESSENTIALLY THEY JUST CONFIRM THAT I WAS A HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS. like my profs response, deadass, is "how classy of you to parlay.." LIKE WTF?????

and this whole. fucking time. i genuinely had absolutely no clue. NONE.

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusers gaslighting you will most often be about a situation where they did something wrong, cruel, hurtful and abusive, very much intentionally, and then their version of the story switches the blame on you, it depicts you as being the one who is cruel, hurtful and abusive, or alternatively, you're cruel hurtful and abusive for remembering the situation or calling them out for their behaviour, when they claim none of this even happened. If the abusers often gaslight you and try to make you second-guess your own memories and senses, eventually you will struggle with trusting your senses and feel like you can't trust your own memory and have to take on their version. But here's some reasons why gaslighting can be caught onto and confirmed that it doesn't make any logical sense.

If this person/people are claiming that I am the one who is continually hurtful, cruel and abusive, why are they insisting on keeping me in their life? Why do they keep taking measures to make sure I can't get away or am dependant on them, if they truly find me selfish, hurtful, insane, and abusive? Wouldn't they want to make way for me to get away from them, instead of endlessly convincing me that I'm the one who is in the wrong in every single situation?

If I am remembering things wrong, how come it's only the memories where my abuser/s look bad? All memories where they look good are somehow correct, that can't be right? If I remember things wrong, it would be both good and bad, not only situations that make them feel bad about themselves.

If these people seriously believe I'm someone who invents crazy stories of abuse, cruelty and torture, how do they still feel safe interacting with me? Aren't they worried I'll suddenly come up with an imaginary scenario telling everyone they did something horrible to me that they didn't do? Why don't they keep away from me if they truly believe me to be such a freak?

If I am truly someone who is doing awful and abusive things to these people/this person, how come it's never called out until I come out calling them out first? Why is my behaviour only addressed after I speak out first? How come it's never a problem all the other time when I'm not actively trying to figure out what the truth is? How come it's only relevant when they'd like me to shut up and stop asking questions and asking them to acknowledge reality? And then suddenly I am a problem. If I am a problem, I'd be a problem the entire time, not only in specific situations that they want to get out of.

If these people truly believe that I am losing my memories, inventing new memories, can't be counted on to remember the past correctly, or to comprehend and understand what is going on around me, why wouldn't they be concerned about this, and try to get me help? If they truly believe I have memory distortions and reality distortions, wouldn't they want to make sure I'm getting some kind of help, that I'm being supported to get a better grip on reality? How come this is only an issue for them, but no concern for me, other than me being condescendingly told to 'get help' or that I need to be 'institutionalized', in order to scare me, is that how loving people react to their loved one losing grip on reality? People are deadly worried for their loved ones who are losing the sense of reality, this usually happens due to a serious brain disease and people struggling with it can no longer safely take care of themselves; it's a cause for concern and extra care. Yet they show no inclination to want to care or help at all for this perceived 'problem' they claim I'm having, and use it to scare me into believing that this is my own fault. Does It make sense for them to react with such relish and condescension if they believe that this problem is real? Wouldn't they only act like this if they invented this idea in order to hide their abusive behaviour behind the lie that I remember things wrong, and need to shut up about it?

If I remembered things wrong, that would be a discussion, we could sit and talk about how I remembered things and why, instead of my version being shut down and me being told off for even voicing it, that is not a normal reaction. In what situation is a person who 'remembers things wrong' not even allowed to speak their own memories? Why would it be bad that these 'wrongly remembered' events ever come to light? Wouldn't it be interesting to know, if someone remembered something completely wrong, to hear their version? Rather than being dead-set on shutting that down, like those memories are an active threat for their well being.

It doesn't make sense. If abusers truly believe that you're a person disconnected from reality, who is also cruel, selfish, abusive and unreliable in every way, then they would react very differently to you than they do. If they had a truly bad opinion of you, and you were a harmful person to their well being, they would not want to keep you around, they would not dare to take their shit out on you, they would  not dare to tell you what to do, how to think, what to believe, they'd be scared. But they're not. They're instead acting like they're right to control your every movement and thought, and right to tell you which of your memories you're allowed to remember and voice.

Their behaviour suggests there's something in your memories they're dead set on suppressing and hiding, even at the cost of your own sanity. That is not a behaviour of loving, concerned, innocent people.

[cheese-ducks]

TWRP ORIGINS

Chapter 5: Insanity Wears High Tops

Main master list

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(Warnings: light swearing)

"Greetings, human. In my band's ongoing campaign to end boredom the universe over, we seek to unite all children of the cosmos to join our cause, one planet at a time." The cone boy said. "This is what brings me to you. It shattered my perception of reality to learn recently that fifth dimensional beings, such as myself, cannot materialize on your planet."

"I'm sorry, fifth dimensional?" Jack interjected. 

"Again, human, you need not apologize for what happened. The fault is all mine." 

His confidence was a bit overwhelming, so Jack didn't correct him.

 "So I needed a stable host with a corporeal form, which in this case is you, to continue my work. Earth continues to amaze me, but I digress. Allow me to introduce myself and my intentions,"

A strange feeling of relief came over Jack. He wasn't going crazy, he was actually possessed. A whole new set of problems came with that knowledge, but he didn't need to think about the implications right now.

"I am Doctor Sung; intergalactic groove crusader; ageless meta-being of the cosmos; and frontman of the band TWRP. Aside from keytar and synthesexory manipulation, my role within the band lies in interdimensional diplomacy, communications, and female seduction, and as such I am the band's primary representative here on Earth." Jack nodded like he understood any of that.

"Despite our fairly recent crash land and the fact that we're basically stranded here, I'm certain that TWRP's dominance of Earth draws one step nearer. It is our intention to oust the forces that would hinder the advancement of fun and joy and replace them with tools of entertainment..." 

Sung went on and on, as if he liked hearing the sound of his own voice. This was unbelievable. It was like something out of a movie. Jack didn't really know how to feel about this revelation. What would he tell his family? Was this even real? It had to be, he saw the spaceship himself and the alien sightings started after that night. This was definitely real. He felt strangely flattered by Sung's explanation so far. Out of all the people in Halifax this interdimensional superhero could've picked, he chose Jack. His weirdness led him to this surreal situation, no normal person would have approached a burning spaceship in the middle of the woods. Maybe being weird was actually going to pay off.

"And of course, frenzied dance parties will continue to erupt in our wake, replacing human sadness with cosmic elation. But we can't do this alone. I need your help."

"Why me, specifically?" Jack was almost scared of knowing the answer. 

"The unlikelihood of finding a host that has such a striking resemblance to me cannot be denied. If we're going to complete our mission I would still need you as a vessel." Sung's voice had a rare twinge of shame. 

"I would be willing to discuss with you how you'd like to go about doing that. It's truly the least I could do after today." 

Jack heard the sound of pounding footsteps racing up the stairs and darting past his bedroom. 

"I would like to discuss a game plan for this, among other things, but can you wait until everyone falls asleep?"  

Sung could sense the stark shift in Jack's emotions. Before it was mostly confusion with some admiration sprinkled in, who could blame him, but his whispered plea was practically made of pure stress. An immense amount of fear for someone not in immediate danger. It perplexed him, but he honored the request. 

"I shall return when everyone is asleep, and until then I wish you fewer negative emotions." 

Before Jack could figure out if that was meant to be an insult or not there was a knock at his door. He immediately climbed into bed and pretended to sleep.

"You're being too loud! Your brother's not feeling well!" His mom shouted at the band of lightly buzzed children. She opened the door a crack and went back downstairs. 

"How about you sleep over at your friend's house tonight, Stan?"

.........................................................................

Jack sat on the couch eating a small plate of nachos. They somehow tasted better at two in the morning. He looked over at Sung, who was staring in bewilderment at the midnight snack. 

"Did you want some?" Jack held out a chip.

"I doubt I could eat in this form, plus I'm not even certain what that is." Sung didn't need to eat as frequently as his band mates, so he really only ate out of necessity. He couldn't fathom the idea that someone would eat out of boredom or for enjoyment. 

"Ok then, more for me." He patted the cushion next to him but Sung declined.

"I have so many questions, could we cover some of those before the game plan?" 

"First, I must ask you something." 

Jack set the nachos to the side nervously. Sung sensed that same fear and stress from earlier. Why was he doing that? It was probably a question for later considering his first question was overdue. 

"What is your name, human?" 

The tension instantaneously left his body as he answered. How was he doing that? 

"Oh, it's Jack." He was back to his original position on the couch, nachos in hand. 

"Simple, efficient, I like that name." His pleased nod being amplified by the pylon helmet. "You may proceed with your questions." 

Jack took a pause remembering all the crazy shit he'd been through. For the first time in a while his mind felt clear.

"What's with the cone hat?"

"A pylon can be worn for many reasons; fashion, power, dominance." He paced the living room floor, cape flowing behind him.

"It sounds like you're compensating for something." Jack snickered.

"Well, when you're as cool and tall and handsome and heroic and tall as I am you don't need to. May we move on?" 

"Sure, man." He stifled his laughter. Maybe that was the key to Sung's infinite confidence: straight up denial. 

"Why was I blacking out so often, and what are you doing to my memories?"

"I figured if I took control of the vessel while you were unconscious you wouldn't have noticed. I had no idea that I was causing you to go unconscious. Again, I deeply apologize." He stopped in front of Jack and crossed his arms. "And as for your memory I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Seriously?" Jack stood up, almost angry Sung was treating that so casually. "Random flashbacks, almost daily amnesia, forgetting how to do basic shit? I would randomly forget how to read! You've got no explanation for that?"

Sung paused as he processed this completely new information. "Do human memories not do that?"

'How clueless is this guy?' Jack thought to himself. 

"No they do not, and I would like it to stop."

"You have my word."

He sat back down, nearly choking on a chip from laugter. He needed to know if Joe was fucking with him.

"Were you fighting a lion and robot in the parking lot of a guitar center?" 

Sung's smile instantly changed to an annoyed frown. 

"Believe me when I tell you they deserved it." 

"And with that I think I'm ready to discuss the game plan." Jack answered quickly as he put down the nachos.

"I'm gonna preface this with I have no idea how this could work but the fact that I'm even going through with this is nuts! Is this as surreal for you as it is for me?" 

"Considering this is the first time I've ever taken a host and I'm completely fucking it up, I would say yes." Sung sat down next to Jack. "In case you couldn't tell I'm not used to fucking up. You can't exactly afford to when saving the universe. It's just not an option when the stakes are that high, so I don't." 

"You think you have to save the universe all by yourself?" 

"I'm used to handling things by myself." 

Jack couldn't tell if he was downplaying his emotions or it legitimately didn't bother him.

"I mean, I would say that's kinda sad if I didn't get it." There was a key difference, however. Jack kind of liked to be alone, he didn't think he had to be. "Maybe your voice was in the back of my mind before the crash." He joked. 

Sung jumped off the couch and pointed at him.

"My voice in the back of your mind, you may have something there, Jack."

[wildpeachfarm]

i think having conversations Even with the more extremes positions is healthy. At the end of the day this situation it's grey and there's no a correct way to see or feel about this. We don't know any of this people and there's no way to know what truly happened bc we don't know if they're lying or not so with the information we've got we'll have to figure out how we feel about it. I can't blame the people who are mad at gnf or caiti or both and i can't really Say to any of them "ey but please their intentions are x or y" bc idk if that's true. I don't have any way to prove what their intentions are. I just have the facts confirmed by both parties and the ss that were proven right and fake. This situation for me seems very grey and neither of them are monsters who deserve to lose their carrers, Even if what caiti says on her stream it's true My core feelings don't change. Yeah that would make me undertand her more. Yeah i'll still think gnf can change and becomes a better person with time. I also think that call out both for their poor actions on this is very valid. This situation doesn't have a bad or good guy and both had/are comminting mistakes with all this. I don't like how she treats people asking for proof of questioning the fake message insane and how she acts as if people poiting out that is was wrong for her to go to a +21 are blamming her for what happened or how she says there's was no way to give non verbal consent at all when yes there was and by saying this i'm not saying she's a monster or that what gnf did was okay. This white and black mentality on both sides it's very harmful

Yeah I agree and I don't really fault anyone for how they're treating this situation or if they choose to leave, or stay, or do whatever because its a grey situation and therefore people's reactions to it and interpretations of things will be extremely varied.

And I am always open to hearing people's thoughts (even if i dont agree) for that exact reason: because I want to see other perspectives and have mature discussions that take into account nuance and that people may feel differently than me or anyone else.

You'll find that I'm pretty open-minded about most stuff and really just want to talk with people about this in a constructive way and people here have definitely done a good job of being constructive and understanding of differing perspectives :)

[delilahsbabyaccount]

~May The Struggle Solve Itself~

"My father resents my mother.

My mother resents my father.

My father started seeing me as a second version of my mother.

My mother started seeing me as a second version of herself.

Somehow all of my behaviours are my responsibility and my fault.

I was only fifteen.

How much of my flaws don't belong me?

How much of my anxiety is hers? How much of my critical nature was not inherited but instead gifted by assumption that I would be the exact same?

How do I will myself to stay grateful when I can't heal in the same environment I got sick in?

I know this is all required but I'm cracking my whole existence into tiny pieces to somehow figure out how I'm supposed to authentically experience my emotional encounter or "the upset"???????????

I have no one to tell me it is going to be okay. I no longer have any friends. My behaviour isn't excused by my goofy family situation.

My father and my mother don't love each other anymore.

My mother talks to me about everything - we're each other's best friends.

My father is depressed but he'll never admit it to himself.

I am so fucking grateful for them both because we're still okay.

They're both alive and as healthy as they can be. They don't fight. They don't hurt us. They provide everything we need. They're good parents. They're just still figuring themselves out so they don't really have the capacity to...well....parent.

I am grateful because people have lost their parents. I am grateful because other people's parents are so much worse.

But still, I am so unhappy. I am so lonely. I am so tired. I am impatient to get to know myself. I want to separate from everything I truly am not and yet, I still sit here knowing there is nowhere for me to go.

I am not the legal age to accomplish anything. I am completely dependent on the people I want to leave even though I know I love them and will miss them and that I've never learnt to be without them.

But they trap me and expect things from me and judge me and love me and sometimes try to comfort and support me but here we are.

What is there to do? I can only heal through experience but I have no clue how to heal when it comes to my parents. I've tried doing everything I know. Talking to them is mindless - they're too preoccupied with themselves.

I know I cannot solve the problem physically or mentally and I must let it die within me.

I must literally die in the experience but how???

And when I miss my chance? Am I behind? Am I a failure in my own path for healing?`

Is it my fault? Is it????

Is it my fault I resist everything my mother wants from me?

It it my fault I am repulsed by touch when I'm emotional?

Is it my fault I have no idea how to resolve the triggers and charges within me?

Is it my fault I can't do readings for myself? Or that I can't take my own advice?

Or that I am so insanely, crazily obsessed with looking like my sister?

That I am unenvious of the billion-dollar models but would kill to be a resemblance of my sister?

Am I secretly dark and twisted and a horrid person based off of literally nothing in particular but my own paranoia of being a bad person?

Am I pretty? Am I beautiful? Do I have a purpose if I'm not useful?

How many things do I do to please my parents? How many things do I actually, truly do for myself?

Who am I outside of my wish to please the people who gave me life?"

-Pieces of Sandra's anxiety (1980-2020)

a/n: I could not find where I had originally seen a post addressing similar themes but it was written really well so props and credit to whoever did this first! <3

*Credit to the owners of the pictures used.

[florenceisfalling]

sorry for not realizing, i hadn't checked your blog in months before today and i kinda figured you would have blocked me in the time i wasn't on tumblr if you didn't wanna talk. the post i replied to seemed lighthearted so i did not know. obviously no need to answer this as i won't ever see it, just wanted to say i'm sorry for upsetting you even if i won't ever know exactly what went wrong with us

i mean you still have my discord dms if you really wanted. in fact, you actually stopped responding to me, not the other way around. i didn't block you because a.) you were such a large part of my life for so long that, yknow, a chunk of my blog has some sort of attachment to yours, and i didn't want to fuck up my ability to see relevant posts if im trying to find old writing shit and b.) i always wanted to leave channels open because... again, you were a large part of my life for so long. i don't want to be your friend but if anything ever came up and there was something you needed or wanted to say i wanted that to be possible for the sake of "just in case"

regardless of if you "wont ever see it" heres my answer. even this ask answers itself for one of the reasons i dont like you. you hadn't checked my blog in months. which in itself is fine, but in the grand scheme of things - jesus fuck, man! you dipped out of my life almost entirely, on repeated occasions, unless i actively tried to drag you back in. regardless of how fucking apparent it was that i was literally on the Brink, you wouldn't be there unless i was the one to call. even after i tried to have an open conversation with you + others involved on how you were so bad at handling your shit that i thought random things i had zero involvement were my fault because no one gave me any sort of indication to what the fuck was going on.

you hung out with bullies and downplayed the deserved backlash. you don't know how to take other peoples feelings or lives seriously - something that hits me so PROFOUNDLY because your kindness and comfort used to be one of the reasons i liked your company so much. you hurt my friend. and you lied to me! and more, shit that i cant say here! and you would complain and guilt-trip about how you felt like everyone hated you and how you were such a bad friend but you so rarely made steps to actually change anything you were doing! of course you don't see what went wrong, you can't even look in at yourself without making everyone else feel like its their fault for being hurt!

and id love to say that everything ive heard from you and the people surrounding you is some kind of misunderstanding and that really and truly you dont deserve my anger. i dont think you realize how much ive sat over the past year and hoped that we were somehow gonna go back to normal. i wanted to tell you i got engaged! i wanted to talk to you about a million things! but after what i had to deal with last year (not from you, other shit entirely) i sort of learned that i cannot afford to trust anyone. you have no idea the fucking depths i went to and you are not going to know because the kind of people you seem to love aspiring to be/surrounding yourself with are the same kind of people who made my world feel like it was fucking falling apart. literally some of the most insane trauma ive endured was just brushed aside as silly discourse or jokes or whatever so yeah. not sure if i can trust that everythings all just one big mix up. messages are open but i am so angry and i cant change that even if i want to and i dont think you want to hear any of it.

and im sorry for being so lighthearted about you before i thought it was a post that would just fade into the ether like my other non-context bullshit

[depressiogameshow]

And well, that's my fault I suppose, but...

Current Mood: Sick of my Cowardice Current Tunes: Hey - Egg

I keep rereading the things my brother wrote to me and I constantly wonder if he's right to call me insane. I wonder if I'm making things up day after day. I wonder if my memories are fabricated.

I'm always holding back my tongue either way. Writing words into a sea of nothingness, wondering if I will ever truly figure out what's wrong with me, what's wrong with who I am. I'm so tired of being quiet, yet I can't seem to find a way to tell her

Forget that, I won't delete it, it's pointless to do so. It's not like she's going to look too far into it or the things I wanted to say before everything had gone down. I suppose such should be buried along with me. I'll keep it to myself, idling all over again like I did back there.

Well, anyways, onto the next thing I suppose, right?

I was looking through Solar's things again and I found an Ipod. I'm going to be listening to whatever is on it. Starting with this album called "Passing Papers".

It was saved back in 2020 which, for those who don't know, was right when we got together. In all honesty, it shouldn't have taken that long, but it did. I wish it'd taken less time sometimes. Nothing I can do to change that now, you cannot change the past, but... I miss him.

[jediken0bi]

At The End Of The Day

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary:

Reid is scared his Job is eventually going to take away the thing he loves the most. You.

word count: 2023

-

Spencer sat on the counter in the kitchen, sipping on his sugary coffee and watching you move around the room. You decided you wanted homemade Waffles this morning and Spencer made the quick decision to not even attempt to lend a helping hand. He usually ends up burning half of the food anyway so you're not complaining.

And if you're being honest you liked being able to do something nice for him while he relaxes. It's not like that's something you get to see all that often.

You really only get to have Spencer to yourself on the Weekends and even then your time together isn't always guaranteed.

That's something you guys struggled with a lot. He even more so than you now that you think about it. He is so quick to beat himself up over not being able to spend more time with you and it breaks your heart.

Of course you would like to see your boyfriend more often but you know how much he loves his Job and you would never ask him to quit or hold his crazy schedule against him.

After all, it's not Spencers fault serial killers don't take the weekends off.

You throw little glances at Spencer every time you add a little bit of batter into the Waffle Maker and each time you find him already looking at you with loving eyes and a silly smile plastered on his face.

You can't help but giggle a bit before shaking your head lightly.

There are certainly days where you can't wrap your head around the fact that the genius with the pretty face feels the same affection towards you as you do.

Another minute goes by before he puts his coffee down, pushes himself off the counter and walks over to you to carefully wrap his arms around your waist.

"Someone is awfully cuddly this morning", you say with a huge smile on your face. You lean into his touch so he knows you don't actually mind the closeness.

He still has days where he can't tell whether or not you're making a lighthearted joke or are trying to reject his advances. It took him a long time to be able to initiate physical contact without you having to make the first move or ask for it.

That's not because he didn't love you though. He simply didn't know what to do in a relationship.

He was trying to figure out the do's and don't's and you were more than happy to help him learn and understand what it means to be truly loved by someone.

Nowadays he doesn't hesitate to seek comfort in your arms and there's nothing you can think of that makes you happier than that.

All you ever wanted was for Spencer to feel at home with you.

He put his head on your shoulder and smiled into the crease of your neck

"I can't help it. I haven't seen you in 8 days, 5 hours and 24 minutes and now that i'm here i don't wanna waste a single second of it"

You silently put the last Waffle on the plate you set out and turned your head so you could face him.

You try to catch his eyes and as soon as you do, you press a light peck onto his pink lips.

"I missed you so much", you say while he softly grabs your waist to turn you around positioning you so that you're facing him.

He presses gentle kisses to your forehead, your nose, your cheek and suddenly stops right before your lips.

"I missed you too, my love"

Before you can form an answer he plants a firm and loving kiss on your lips making you forget about breakfast for a second.

But only for a second.

You start smiling into the kiss and lightly push him away. The distance between you two only big enough to let you catch your breath before you laugh and say

"Let's go eat. We haven't had breakfast together in a bit and i wanna cuddle on the couch and watch some Doctor Who"

He laughs and nods his head so his short curls fall into his face.

You bite your lip to suppress a grin before tucking the lose strand of hair behind his ear.

He reaches behind you to grab the plate and makes his way towards the couch you two picked out just over a month ago.

You follow him immediately, feeling giddy that you get to cuddle your boyfriend for the first time in days.

He puts the plate down, plops down on the couch and immediately opens his arms to invite you to get comfortable in them.

While you snuggle into his chest he grabs the remote and starts queuing Doctor Who Episodes for you guys to watch and analyze together.

You wrap your arms around his torso and bury your head into his neck. You sigh happily and plant tiny kisses on his shoulder and neck.

He tightens one of his arms around you and starts playing with your hair

-time skip-

Almost three hours later, the waffles long gone, you get up to get some drinks for the two of you.

As the credits to the third episode start rolling you can't help but notice that Spencer had gotten unusually quite.

You sit down next to him, put a hand on his arm and ask with a calm voice

"Baby what's wrong? You got so quiet and it looks like something's bothering you. Did something happen at work? Did the case end bad? Whatever it is Spencer i want to be there for you"

He looks at you with wide eyes. Almost like a kid with his hand stuck in the cookie jar. He looks guilty and it's making you nervous. You know you can't push him but you would be lying if you said you weren't worried.

He looks down for a second unsure of his next move. He takes a deep breath and hesitantly turns around to look at you.

Your hand immediately finding its place on your boyfriends jaw. Running your thumb over his stubble in a calming matter.

He leans into your touch and closes his eyes for a second.

You knew that he would eventually start talking so you had no problem patiently waiting for him to summon the courage to say whatever was on his mind.

"I was talking to Morgan the other day and he said something that got me thinking. Actually, i think it's fair to say that thinking turned into overthinking really quick. Although i don't know anymore. At this point, it might be a completely valid fear and i'm just trying to convince myself it's not. Of course you could apply that logic the other way around as well but - I'm rambling, aren't it", he says in pretty much one breath.

You show him a understanding smile and say,

"Yeah but it's okay. I want to hear what's on your mind. No matter how confusing"

He looks up at me and smiles with sad eyes

"I know you do and that's why the thought of ever losing you drives me completely insane"

You stare at him for a moment not understanding why he would be thinking of losing you before taking his hand into yours and asking

"Spence, do you want to tell me what you and Morgan talked about?"

He sighs loudly and runs his thumb over the back of your hand.

Looking straight at you he decides 'Now or Never'.

"He just broke up with his girlfriend and we were all trying to be there for him. He seemed completely fine but you never know with Morgan so i went to talk to him about the break up and he just smiled at me and said 'It is what it is, Pretty Boy. Relationships are doomed to break in our line of profession. Enjoy it while it lasts' "

he tells you doing a weird impression of Derek.

Under different circumstances you would've laughed.

You look at Spencer with a small smile on your face. He looks so distressed, you can't help but run your hand through his curls and climb into his lap.

He doesn't waste a second wrapping his arms around you to secure your position and before he can question you, you say

"So that's what this is about? You thinking i might leave you because of your Job?"

He shakes his head slightly and looks up to meet your eyes

"No this is about you deserving a boyfriend who doesn't spend 90% of his time a couple of states away from you every week. It's about me not wanting to make you feel like you come second when there's nothing that's more important to me than you. I would quit my Job if you asked me to. There's plenty of Jobs out there but no one quite like you. I hate to think that you might come to resent me for being away so much"

You run your hand through his curls again and smile softly. It's your turn to shake your head.

"What i deserve is a boyfriend who loves me for who i am. Someone who cares about my feelings and thoughts. Someone who doesn't mind binge watching Doctor Who with me on the weekends because i like that way better than going out. Someone who reads my favorite book so we can have a conversation about it. Someone who shows me how much he cares every single day. And i already have all that. I don't need anything or anyone else. I promise."

Spencers eyes are shut tightly and he leans his forehead on yours. He presses a light kiss to your nose and wistfully admits

"I'm just so scared my Job is going to take you away one day"

You wrap your arms around his neck and whisper

"I know a thing or two about that. Baby, you do so much good in the World. I couldn't be more proud if i tried. Let me ask you something. You like your Job, right? Despite everything it asks of you?"

He nods softly and opens his eyes

"I love my Job. Helping people gives me a chance to make a real change. It's what i've always wanted to do."

You smile at him and hum in agreement

"That's right. And you love me too, right?", you ask cheekily

He looks at you like you hung the moon, grabs your hand to press a soft kiss against it and says

"Of course i do. More than anything"

You once again nod in agreement.

"Then you have to understand that the World isn't always 'This or That'. I would never ask you to quit your job for me. I wouldn't want that. I love you too much to take away the thing that fulfills you and makes you happy. Relationships take work, Spencer. I'm not saying it won't be rough sometimes but at the end of the day you're my Clark Kent to the BAU's Superman and i wouldn't change a thing"

He looks at you with loving eyes that are glazed over with unshed tears and whispers

"I'm going to marry you one day, i promise. I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you that you're loved beyond compare"

He starts covering your face in kisses resulting in you laughing at his antics.

This wasn't the first time you two talked about marriage. You knew that he was the man you were going to walk down the aisle to. There wasn't a doubt in your mind.

You push him back down on the couch so you can lay down on his chest and say

"Now that we've established that you looove me, i think it's time for you to start the next episode. It's my favorite!"

You said it in a mocking voice but it genuinely did make your heart beat faster and he knew that.

"Damn straight i do", he says as he reaches for the remote.

Weekends with Spencer are simply the best.

[dextervexter]

(steeples fingers) tell me about your boy roy.

ok ok ok ok OK i'm doing specifically Young Justice Roy so CONGRATS!!! You picked one boy but on all technicalities thats three in one LETS GOOOO

Will-

Sexuality Headcanon: extremely bisexual. often forget how bi he is

Gender Headcanon: for Will I kind of always figure a little non-binary but still goes by he/him. he just never really vibed with gender stuff.

A ship I have with said character: BIG sucker for Malcolm Merlyn/Will Harper. no they have never met in canon the ship was born from an inside joke and I got way too into it

A BROTP I have with said character: Kaldur and Will of course. Best friends. Will encouraged Kaldur to be a little more insane. Kaldur is the only one stopping Will from going ape on everyone. Their past adventures were usually either missions or getting kicked out of Panera (will's fault)

A NOTP I have with said character: Artemis/Will. that shit was 12 different flavors of gross and I can't believe the show even attempted it. I'm also not fond of Will/Jade but that's mainly because the show did not develop Jade enough to make me want to see them together.

A random headcanon: LOVE THIS MAN HAVE MANY

1) He struggled a lot with identity after discovering he was a clone. The way he saw it, he was a copy of the original Roy and therefore had no right to call any aspect of who Roy was his. He stopped referring to his parents as his, he stopped thinking of his childhood as his. he even had trouble looking at himself in the mirror because that wasn't truly his face. It was the face of someone he replaced. Roy of all people was the one to force him to accept that the memories and experiences they shared are just that: shared. Will didn't replace Roy knowingly. For such a long time he really thought he was Roy. He does get to call his past his, even if he never truly experienced it. He still has bad days where he physically can't bring himself to say that a memory is his, but he's worked hard and created a new life for himself. Maybe soon he'll be able to think about his past without that hurt attached to it.

2) Will has never raised his voice to Lian. He's an incredibly patient parent and as a result, Lian is very well behaved and incredibly well spoken, as Will taught her how to talk through her feelings instead of melt-down.

3) (incorporates events from Snowbirds Don't Fly) His relationship with Ollie was never the same. Will knows that Ollie tried very hard to support him after he found out he was a clone, but what it boiled down to was that Ollie reached a point where he decided Will should get over it. Will left after that and being on his own kick started his problems with addiction. Ollie criticized him for that too, going so far as to cut contact completely. They went years without talking. When Will retired and focused on being a father, Ollie tried to get in contact again but his inability to acknowledge he failed Will ultimately left them unable to carry on any relationship beyond civil acquaintances. Will still let's Ollie see Lian, he'd never deny him the role of grandparent, but he doesn't trust him the way he used to.

General Opinion over said character: He is my baby boy, my son, my boyfriend, my sweet cheese, the light of my life, i am like smeego and he is that gay little ring, he is my treasure, my FAV

Jim-

Sexuality Headcanon: he is the straight clone

Gender Headcanon: Cis

A ship I have with said character: None

A BROTP I have with said character: Jim/Will/Roy. Individually people can handle the Harpers, when together however they're barely coherent sibling chaos

A NOTP I have with said character: None but I do have a running gag that he keeps accidentally dating lesbians.

A random headcanon: Jim struggles with mental and emotional issues due to the mind control he lived under for years. Given his role at Cadmus, one of his problems is an intense aversion to authority. He's not aggressive about it, he usually just tries very hard to avoid people he knows are louder and bossier than most. Being told what to do, even if it's a polite and casual request, can trigger a flight response most times, or a sharp tone at worst. More often than not he stays close to Roy and Will because they're both really good at keeping him busy or just providing him much needed company. They've become a bit of a safety net for him.

General Opinion over said character: I like Jim a lot, but out of the three Harpers I think he's probably the one I leave alone the most. The showrunners didn't do a lot with him after the second season and while I liked his appearance in season 3, they need to do more with him this season.

NOW FOR ROY

Sexuality Headcanon: Gay gay gay he is gay

Gender Headcanon: cis, but flexible

A ship I have with said character: LOVE Jason/Roy. my extremely specific love for YJ roy revolves a lot around him being the iconic Angry Small and shipping him with canonic giant brick shit house Jason is my bread and butter. Mean Bisexual dates even Meaner Gay Little Cat

A BROTP I have with said character: Tim and Roy. Often times Tim has upgrade ideas for his arm that make working with it a lot easier. Plus Tim is one of the only people who brushes off Roy's rude, snarkish attitude. Tim is pretty much the only person other than Jason allowed to touch Roy's arm

A NOTP I have with said character: Not fond of Cassie/Roy

A random headcanon: GOD i have so many have like three

1) Roy's time in the cryo-chamber left him with a lingering chill. He gets cold very easily and when he gets cold he gets cranky. The coldness is something that is pretty much always present. He layers up a lot because of it and sleeps under as many blankets as possible. He prefers Jason practically on top of him when they sleep because he can't get warm and Jason is an oven. Everyone is pretty sure its psychological, but it can be dangerous. He overheats easily and doesn't realize it's happening because he still feels cold.

2) Roy doesn't apologize for things verbally. It sucks because some people need to hear it, and most times Roy is the one in the wrong. He tries to make up for things through actions like buying food for people or turning on their favorite movie. He should just learn to apologize, but he's an angry, over-sensitive ass-hat who takes everything too personally and would rather die than be wrong. He is making an effort to get better though.

3) Roy gets phantom pains in his arm. More often than not, they're triggered by stress or anxiety. He doesn't know what to do when this happens and it can make him way crabbier than he usually is. When this happens he usually goes to his brothers because he's ok with being touched by them. Jim has a heating pad he gives him, and and talks him through it. Compression pads help too, and Jim is allowed to touch Roy's arm to put it on for him. Will is usually busy with Lian, but Roy still tries to be around. Lian is adorable enough to keep him distracted. When Will has a spare moment he'll usually come in and make sure Roy is okay and just sit with him a bit because sometimes Roy just really needs to feel someone there with him.

General Opinion over said character: HE'S MY SON. HE'S MY BABY. HE IS ME. HE IS MY SWEET CHEESE. I ALREADY USED THAT ONE TODAY BUT I AM LIKE A LITTLE MOUSE WITH THESE MEN

[dreamerandcrazy]

Ok, so I haven't been able to comment much on my Riverdale rewatch mostly bc i'm watching it with my boyfriend and we have an agreement of no cell phones when we're watching, otherwise we can't pay proper attention to it. But I wrote down some notes about the episodes I did watch (I watched up until ep 6, which is very ironic bc apparently today is its anniversary, so yay for my perfect timing). I actually remember most of the stuff that happened in s1, so here's mostly a few things I paid more attention to or noticed about the characters and the ships, or things i'm able to look at through a different view now that i've watched all the seasons. Strap in if you want to see my notes, if not just scroll please, no ship or character hate here please. Also, feel free to ignore, this is really just a personal look in some stuff I didn't notice in my first watch.

- Betty's character used to be much happier and lighter in season 1. I know we're introduced to "Dark Betty" right in episode 3, but still, I feel like the way Lili played Betty in season 1 did not hold the same "darkness" as it does in the following seasons. The scene where she is dancing happily in her bedroom because she's going to homecoming with the boy she likes? The scene where she introduces Jughead to the Blue & Gold and gets him to work with her? Her genuine innocent happiness at seeing her sister again after so much time? The way she interacted with Kevin and Veronica? Those were all chef's kiss because she actually feels like a teenager in them. In all her girly glory, she radiates youth energy and it's a thing that was sadly lacking after s1. Btw this is not a critique at Lili's acting at all, I blame it entirely on Ras and his obsession with dark Betty.

- There's actually so many indications of Cheryl being a lgbt character in the first episodes that I have no idea how I missed it the first time. But then again, there were many indications with Veronica as well, and sadly that's not the path Ras chose for her.

- Jughead in s1 is truly so superior in so many ways that it's not hard to see why he quickly became such a fan favorite. I think even if he wasn't played by Cole Sprouse, he still would have conquered many fans' hearts. Sadly, the things that made Jughead such a loving and interesting character for me also fizzled out in s2 when the writing team decided to make him a woke serpent leader instead of allowing him to sticking to his true personality as a passionate mystery lover, a dedicated friend and very nerdy, which was very cute. I feel that we got some of that back for him in s4, which was good, but sadly s1 is where my love for him really stayed to stay. But I still care for him, and s5 has a promising storyline for him which i'm excited about, so let's see if s5 Jughead can become better than s1 Jughead.

- Going back again to Cheryl for a sec, I just noticed that the red lipstick actually wasn't that common for her in s1? At least not in the first five. I wonder when did it start becoming her trademark? Anyways, it's actually a really good look her and allows you to appreciate Madelaine's natural beauty even more.

- Also, did anybody notice how Alice lowkey figured out who killed Jason in ep 2 lmao, like... in episode two she legit says she wouldn't be surprised if the Blossoms themselves had killed Jason, which... is what happened LMAO, considering we know it was his father. And even more hilarious and tragically ironic note, in ep 6 she's laughing at Betty suggesting that Hal killed Jason because "do you think your father has the stomach for it?!"... Ma'am... i'm-.... 😂😂😂😂.

- This rewatch has reminded me of how much I adored and how I much I miss Josie and the Pussycats. The girls were such a nice addition to the cast, and their songs were so beautiful. I truly wish we get to see them again someday, but at the same time I also think the actresses deserve to be at a work place where they're given the treatment they deserve and not completely ignored and treated like extras.

- Archie/Valerie was super cute and is very underrated in the fandom, but i'm glad Valerie stood up for herself and didn't take any of Archie's or Cheryl's sh*t. Still sucks because they were really good together, though.

- Why was Jason not allowed to talk, lmao? Like, i'm sure it's become a running joke in the show at this point, but back when season one was airing what was the excuse for it? He appeared in so many flashbacks and scenes and we still never heard a single word ☠️☠️☠️☠️. I just want to know what was the reason lol.

- I liked s1 Reggie, but I feel like Charles Melton's Reggie is better because he actually feels like a douche with good intentions lol, and he has more of a personality. Most of the time I even forgot about Reggie in s1, but after s2 he definitely made me more aware of him. So for that, I like Charles Melton's Reggie more. But the actor from s1 still did a good job with what he was given.

From now on I will be talking about the ships, so bear with me, and know that I am a multishipper. Yes, I have my preferences. No, my word is not law, it's just an opinion, so please respect it.

- Bughead is still super cute in s1. I feel like from s1 they will always be my otp, even if I no longer feel as strongly about them now and have a different insight as to where I would like their story to go, and now I definitely see the problem others had mentioned before of how they kind of took over the show, which is something I kind of closed my eyes to before... But I really loved them in s1. It felt like a very juvenile teenage relationship, they didn't give much thought on why and if they should be together, they just went for it like teenagers usually do, and they were very very cute together.

- I feel like if you don't count Beronica (because they really were the best no matter what you say or ship), if there's a ship that deserves "best chemistry" award for s1 is probably Varchie. I lost my interest in them years ago, but this rewatch reminded me of why I actually loved them once. They never really became an otp for me, but Kj and Camila's chemistry in s1 was VERY GOOD, and I really liked them. Their kiss in the pilot was electric and the s&xual tension was OOF, and that chemistry carries on through the season. You can easily tell something will happen between them eventually. It makes me sad bc I don't know what happened after s1, but their chemistry from s2 onwards was just... not there for me. Which is ironic bc it's the season they truly started dating and they got a lot of smexy scenes, but I just... didn't feel it. But I'll leave that comment to my s2 rewatch. For now just let me enjoy Varchie's chemistry in s1 while it lasts because it was really good.

- Now we get to Barchie, who I made clear was the reason for my rewatch, so let's get to it. I LOVED the way Barchie was written in s1. I remember when I first watched Riverdale, I was curious about their dynamic but didn't put much thought into it because I loved Bughead too much and wanted them to be together, and I thought Barchie would be the traditional "first og ship" thing and wouldn't have a big follow up, but boy was I WRONG and am I GLAD for it. I'll talk more about their development in the next seasons when I get there, so for now let's focus a bit on s1. Just in like the first two episodes, there is so much Barchie foreshadowing, like, it's legit insane how it was right there in my face and I missed it the first time! "I have never felt what i'm supposed to feel with betty", "it's not my fault he doesn't like you", "I can't give you the answer you want"... Omg, those are obvious eyebrow raising "this will come back to bite you in the a$$" moments and it's incredible how they actually DO! I would call it clever writing, but like... it's Riverdale lol. So I really am just glad that the ship was done this way, i'm glad Barchie has the back story that they do, they've really come a LONG way and i'm happy I get to experience their whole growing storyline. It's also especially good because s1 actually provides you with scenes that show you their friendship and how they're so close, you see them hanging out, talking, their pictures together, everything was just really done well with them. Still have a bit of critique with the way Archie contradicted himself sometimes regardinf his feelings for Betty, but let's be honest, we've watched enough Riverdale to know that's just a problem with the writing.

- Kevin/Joaquin is still my favorite Kevin ship, i'm sad it's completely impossible to go back to them someday so for now i'll just be really glad it existed and that I got to see them even if it was short-lived. They had great chemistry and their kiss scenes always outsold.

- Beronica... sigh. Beronica. The most wasted chemistry i've ever seen on CW and I've watched a LOT of CW shows. There was so much potential there, s1 was practically overflowing with them and it's one of the reasons it became some popular. I remember when the Beronica fandom was the biggest one, ah, good times. Veronica and Betty were easily the best part of season 1, their friendship, their lowkey romantic moments, they were just superior in every way. This ship deserved better, not even just as a ship, but as a friendship.

- Veronica's s1 hair >>> Veronica's hair in seasons 2-4. I loved the side part and I am glad it's back in season 5, it looks so much better like that.

- Cheryl, as always, deserves better. Can't wait for her to meet Toni so I can watch again Cheryl finally get to love someone and be loved back, which is exactly what she deserves.

For now, that is all! I will probably make another post soon when i'm done with season one and from season two on I will be live-blogging the episodes since I will be watching it alone. Once again, pls, no hate, my thoughts are my thoughts. Peace.

[taboo-truths]

Yummy: Justin Bieber VS Julian Assange.

Not gonna lie... I'm pissed-off. Justin Bieber's Seasons trailer has raked-in 1.9 million views in roughly 10 hours. That's 1.9 million people who's immediately clicked to hear the woes of what it is to be a multi-millionaire Pop Star that'd become a "shell of himself" and how "no-one's ever grown-up, in the history of humanity, like Justin Bieber."

Now, before the self-described "beliebers" defensively jump down my throat-- the very same people that drove Bieber crazy by turning a 13-year-old boy into a God in the first place--realize I'm not picking on Justin Bieber. In many ways, I'm an ally of Bieber's in realizing the cultural retardation we exhibit in diefying a fellow human being who's greatest contribution to humanity has been a list of R&B hits with titles like "Yummy".

We're citizen sovereigns begging for Kings and Queens, even if they're just Pop Stars. Think about that.

Nah. I'm not pissed-off at Justin Bieber. I am pissed-off at the fact that 1.9 million people will tune-in to a COMMERCIAL, when not even a scrap of that amount will tune-in to hear about the systematic torture and false imprisonment of a journalist that has revealed war crimes.

As I write these words, there's a widespread and full-scale assault on journalism and journalists. Julian Assange is literally rotting in a maximum security prison on NO charge in a so-called "free" and "democratic" country, yet so many of us are so far up Justin Bieber's "Yummy" ass that we do not see the not-so-dreamy reality that free press and free speech are being attacked.

So, Yeah. I got a bit of a problem with that.

This corrupt and tyrannical system USES people, like Justin Bieber, to draw focused attention away from things that truly matter and impact our lives. Meanwhile, to not stand-up for Julian Assange is to not stand-up for oneself in a battle for free press and free speech that many don't even realize has began.

The late and great John Lennon would've had a concert for Julian Assange, much like Pink Floyd's Roger Waters has done, in front of Britain's Belmarsh prison. There was a time when great artists used their power wisely, because they knew how they could be used as a distraction from things that really mattered.

There was a time when Pop and Rock Stars refused to allow themselves to be used in that way, and instead brought attention to important issues. Now, Pop Stars just wear the "War is Over" t-shirt, rub their crotch in some freedom anthem (Miley Cyrus), and totally ignore a journalist being tortured in a maximum security prison.

Latest reports have indicated Assange is being drugged as a once articulate man now struggles to find his words. He's barely allowed visitors and/or phone calls and remains locked-down in solitairy confinement while his largely harrassed family BEGS for help.

From September, 2010 to this very day, on the eve of 2020, Assange's entire case has been a total rape of justice. It's 7 minutes till midnight on New Year's Eve, and I'm choosing to write about this while I still have a freedom that's dying. This is my New Year's resolution... fight for what's right before what's right totally disappears in an Orwellian fog created by Big Brother lovers.

We wonder why we've been in 18 years of wars on lies? Could it possibly be because WE, the people, have lost our minds in what's "Yummy" vs what actually matters?

Here's the deal... I'm really not picking on Justin Bieber as my heart does go out to the guy. We live in a society of navigated focus which, through no fault of his, constant focus is directed upon him and stars like him. This mechanism robs the music from the artist and makes the artist the focus. That could drive the best of us insane and become extremely depressing. No-one wants to live in a fish bowl... not even fish.

How does a 13-year-old boy even begin to comprehend a world driven to idolize him so much so that whatever potato chips he chose to eat was more significant to millions of people than far more newsworthy and disastrous events that we have the power to change if we would just come into our own power?

It's not Justin Bieber that's fucked-up. It's us. We are! We throw all our energy and power into what shoes, what clothes, what hairstyle, and what love does Justin Bieber (or the like) have? It's marketing on top of marketing on top of marketing, and young guys, like Bieber, who don't know any better and just want to build a life doing something they love become the tool of this system to sell the people and distract us from our power. Bieber doesn't know that. I think he's learning and growing and slowly figuring that out.

Like John Lennon, who reached the height of success as Beatle, Bieber realized it's all hollow. You got the money. You got the fame and the fans. You got the beautiful girlfriend (wife in John Lennon's case), you've done everything this system says you need to do to be successful and it says, "Success is happiness!" But ya get there, and ya realize it's superficial...it's nothing.

And then, ya think there's something wrong with you for not being happy when ya have it all. After all, you've done it! You've checked all the marks this system gives us to be successful. So something has to be wrong with you cause you're not happy when you should be.

I get that, ya know? So, I don't blame Bieber so much as I'm using him as an example of how we've all gone astray from what matters. Millions of innocent people are dying and have died in wars on lies, and the American people are supposed to be the government.

But we govern nothing for reasons of getting lost in Justin Bieber as if he's our favorite character in a movie. He's a human being with a real life just trying to figure it out. And we need to be focused on our lives and our responsibilities as the governing body of these United States.

We can't govern anything, if we don't have a free press and free speech. We can't govern what we don't even know is happening. This is what makes what's happening to Julian Assange so critical. He told us about war crimes that we were meant to hold our elected representation to account for committing in our names, with the lives of our sons and daughters, and our money.

But this system diverts our attention away from that. It makes it boring. It drowns it out and censors it, then props up flashy drama of no-drama on Instagram between Hailey Bieber and Selena Gomez. Ultimately, that shit is none of our business, and maybe that was the problem with Justin and Selena in the first place... we all knew a little too much in a "story" that wasn't ours to write in our team "Jelena" sport made of real lives.

We have to stop allowing this system to distract us from what's important. Lives are being lost. Journalism is dying in a maximum security prison while we all anxiously await some "Yummy" seasons. I'm not telling ya to tune-out Justin Bieber. I'm pleading with you to tune-in to Julian Assange and your own rights to know, lead, and govern. I'm begging you to come into your personal empowerment to affect positive change.

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: I know you're here Nancy: So wherever you're hiding, Ollie, Ollie Oxen Free Nancy: You can come out Rio: Okay Rio: Do I need to wave my white flag first? Nancy: Depends if you wanna see my brother or me Rio: I want to see you Rio: If you will Nancy: Sure? I think he'll need you after that convo, if he ever does Rio: Right Rio: Purpose of me not being there was so it could be just between you two but Rio: are you both okay? Nancy: I don't know how you want me to answer that Rio: Just honestly Nancy: I have no idea how Buster is Nancy: I don't know him very well these days Rio: I know Rio: Don't worry about him, how are you? Nancy: Do you actually care or are you just trying to feel better? Rio: Of course I care, Nance Rio: I wouldn't be here if I didn't Nancy: You'd be here for him Rio: Yes but we're here to tell you Rio: Because it matters what you think, to me and him Nancy: That may be true of you, but he's never cared what I think Nancy: That matters Nancy: You not knowing better what he's like Rio: I know he's done things, lots of things, that would make you think that Rio: and righly so Rio: but he does care Nancy: Maybe. But not enough not to do this Rio: We didn't mean for this to happen Nancy: He never means for anything to happen. That's the problem Nancy: He's hurt you and leave you and ruin everything, don't you know that? Rio: He could Rio: but if that happens, it happens and I'll deal with it, it doesn't need to change anything else Nancy: He will. And I'll be in the middle again Nancy: That's what he does Rio: That's not totally fair Rio: Chloe wasn't totally his fault, a lot of it was her Nancy: He still could've said no instead of thinking with his dick as per Nancy: And what about Erin. Look how long that lasted Rio: I know, and he knows too Rio: He regrets that for a lot of reasons now but he can't take it back Rio: He was trying to do the right thing with Erin, what he thought everyone wanted Rio: doesn't make it right but again, it wasn't just what it seems Nancy: She didn't deserve that. She was nice. Nancy: And you definitely don't deserve what he's gonna do to you Rio: True Rio: I trust him, and I don't want to not be with him on the chance that it'll end badly Nancy: Okay Nancy: He says you love each other. Do you? Rio: Yes Nancy: That's new for him Rio: That's what he told me too, yeah Nancy: Maybe I should be telling you not to hurt him Rio: You can Rio: I promise I'm not going to Nancy: How can you promise that? I'm not trying to be a bitch, I just don't understand Rio: No, its totally fair Rio: I know I've not got a spotless history, neither has he Rio: but no one can promise that and know without a doubt they won't Rio: but I love him, I only want what's best for him, to make him happy Nancy: Okay Nancy: I get that. Love, I mean Rio: Yeah Rio: You know this hasn't just come out of nowhere, right? Rio: Its been nearly 2 years, and we stopped ourselves from going there a long time before that Nancy: I know you're not me, pulling feelings out of thin air Nancy: He explained as best I'd let him Rio: I didn't mean it like that Nancy: It's fine, that's all over and done with Nancy: And nothing to do with this Rio: Okay Rio: I know its Rio: well Rio: unbelievable but Rio: it is the truth and it is happening Nancy: Yeah Nancy: Unbelievable things can happen, I know Nancy: I held onto it for a long time myself Nancy: And if he's willing to say out loud to me that he loves you it must be serious Rio: Yes, I think it is, know it is Rio: We truly wouldn't be putting this out there if we didn't need to Rio: and not just to save our own skin, I don't mean Rio: if it was just a fling, there would be no need Nancy: I understand Nancy: When it's serious, keeping it a secret, that hurts Nancy: I can't blame you for wanting to be honest, it'd make me a hypocrite Nancy: Chloe turned on me for being gay but I couldn't lie just to stay friends with her Nancy: Even if she'd been as good of a mate as I thought she was once Nancy: What happens next? He tells mum and dad and you tell yours but what then? Rio: That's how I was feeling, exactly Rio: it isn't the same thing, not saying it is Rio: but it was making me...sad and bad and just insane, keeping it in Rio: I think we're both better off for her attempts at bitchery, yeah? Rio: Hopefully, everyone is okay with it and we can be together properly Rio: That's all that's changing Nancy: It's essentially the same. People are gonna be judgmental as hell to you for it too Nancy: And nobody wants you to feel sad for something you can't help or change Nancy: Because it's like you told me when you were there for me about Sian, we don't get to decide who we love Nancy: But don't get me wrong, I'm not doing cartwheels that you acted on your feelings when you didn't have to, just like I didn't Nancy: That was a decision Rio: I'm just glad you get it Rio: I'm not expecting any more than that, honest Rio: Its harder to not act, when you know the other person feels it too Rio: Still a choice nonetheless Rio: One I can't regret, I'm afraid Nancy: I don't know, but I'll take your word for it Nancy: I know Buster when he wants something Rio: You don't hate us forever, then? Nancy: Nothing's ever that easy, just like nothing comes out of nowhere Nancy: I'm tried so often to hate him and I still don't Nancy: But if Jay gets hurt over this, we will have a problem, yeah? Rio: Could you tell him that? Not now, if you don't want Rio: and not even in so many words Rio: but I don't think he knows Rio: Trust me, I'll be the first to come for me if I let that happen Nancy: He's a straight man of course he doesn't have a clue. So oblivious Rio: Mhmm, its a fulltime occupation caring for 'em Nancy: I don't want to imagine Nancy: If you were going to fall for one of us, you could've made better decisions like Nancy: I'm a catch Rio: Duh, s'why I've gotta let an actual cute gay girl net you Rio: I like dick and the men attached to 'em, for my sins Nancy: Gross Rio: 😂 Nancy: Does that mean you don't wanna stay here with me for a while? Rio: I wish I could Rio: I don't think we can trust Chlo to let us enjoy some peace and quiet, though Nancy: Or trust yourselves to keep it PG so I don't throw up in my mouth Rio: I mean Rio: You brought it up Nancy: Disgusting Nancy: Do you want me to tell Billie? Nancy: Or June? Rio: Are you okay with that? Rio: Because if yes, then it'd be a help Rio: My plan is to tell my 'rents and let them tell all the sibs, let them know they can come to me if they want/need Nancy: Are you okay if I don't keep my heterophobia to a minimum? Nancy: Because I can't always control that Rio: Do what you must Rio: Lay it on thick with June, he doesn't need the deets there either Nancy: I will Nancy: He'll be shielded Nancy: Sweet boy Rio: Truly Rio: Do you think they'll all be okay? Nancy: I don't know Nancy: But they still need to know Nancy: If you're coming out there's no point keeping one foot in the closet Rio: I know you're right Rio: I don't want to fuck up things with them but Rio: I just have to hope they'll be okay with it, because I'd not turf them out over this if it was the over way 'round Nancy: And they'll know that Nancy: They love you and it's mutual Nancy: They may not throw you a party like we all want when we come out but they won't ever go too hard the other way Rio: It's okay Rio: Been partying hard enough for everyone Nancy: It's a relief though, isn't it? That someone finaly knows Nancy: And you can talk about it Rio: Absolutely Rio: and don't get me wrong, it'd be nice for people to be happy but I know I can't ask for that Rio: so I'm not gonna expect it Nancy: I'm happy for you Nancy: That you're happy, anyway Nancy: Maybe I wish it wasn't with my brother but I still want that for you Rio: Thanks, Nance Rio: Back at cha Rio: not that I think you and Junie are an item, I'm not that obliviously straight, don't worry Nancy: He is my love but Nancy: I'm so mad I didn't realise what was going on with you two Nancy: How dare Chloe figure something out before me Rio: You're such a stereotypical gay Rio: Wanting that tea before anyone else Rio: She's obsessed with your Brother, she probably knows when he shits, like Nancy: Before her, thank you Nancy: If I was a stereotypical gay I'd be trying to get you and Indie together Rio: Oh hell no Rio: that'd be so wrong Nancy: How is that wronger? Nancy: You love Buster Rio: I know how it sounds Rio: but she's a child! Nancy: I'll give you that Nancy: I'm not letting Jay date until she's like 35 Nancy: She might have taste which turns out the same as her mum's and yours Rio: Very Freudian Rio: Saying nothing *sips tea* Nancy: I'm saying no fuckboys allowed Nancy: That's all Nancy: Or girls Rio: We can but hope, babe Nancy: Whatever we have to do. It's a team effort now. You're in this Rio: I don't want to be too dramatic or presumptious Rio: but even as a pseudo auntie/whatever the hell I am Rio: I really care about Jay Rio: I'm going to look after her Nancy: She makes that happen Nancy: I tried really hard not to care about her before she was here but as soon as she was Nancy: I'll be dramatic and say I'll do anything for that girl Rio: Yeah, same as Buster really Rio: You can't not Rio: well, I don't see how Rio: People manage it Nancy: Don't tell him I'm still on his side Nancy: He's got a big enough head Rio: Secret's safe with me Rio: you know he just talks a big game though, yeah? Nancy: I do fucking hate him a lot of the time too, that's no secret Nancy: Don't we all Nancy: I could say I'm busy in answer to how I am and you're leave it there because it's true enough but it's not everything Rio: Do you wanna say more? Nancy: Now's not really the time Nancy: That'd be such a stereotypical gay move, make it all about me Rio: Trust, don't mind Rio: Not just 'cause anything to take the heat off, like Nancy: Just making my peace with dying alone, as standard, when even my prick of a brother won't Nancy: Casual angst Rio: I thought the NYC gay scene was poppin'? Nancy: It is Nancy: I'm not Rio: Babe Rio: Want to go hit the town before I have to go? Rio: I'm the best wingman Nancy: It'd take more than you Nancy: Oblivious hetero, remember? Rio: What would it take? Rio: You're a catch, remember? Nancy: But it's not about what I look like Nancy: I'm also an oblivious gay Nancy: I can't read signals. Or trust myself. Rio: Fear of straight girls Rio: Hit up the specific apps and put yourself out there Rio: Let them come to you first Rio: Then you can't make that mistake Nancy: Mhm I could Nancy: It's about me not them Nancy: Just because they want something doesn't mean it's the same as what I want Nancy: And anyway, all I want at the moment is to not get my heartbroken again Nancy: There's an easy solution there Rio: I feel you Rio: Some things not as easy to find as others Nancy: And when you want conflicting things, like not being lonely but also not getting hurt, it's just Nancy: Stupid Rio: You aren't alone on that one Rio: and I'd certainly be lying if I said I had any useful advice Nancy: How did you do it? Nancy: Put yourself out there with Buster of all people Rio: It didn't start like this, obviously Rio: Sometimes you put yourself out for less than you're after, or think you want Rio: and you still end up where you wanna be Rio: not saying that was my plan here but do you get me? sometimes you just have to see where shit takes you Rio: I know its hard to allow that when you've been burnt before Nancy: Sometimes that's so dangerous Nancy: Especially when you're an idiot like me Rio: Preaching to the choir, babe Rio: think, what's the worst that could happen? Rio: its probably happened, yeah? Rio: and like, arguably, this situation with me and Buster is really bad but Rio: doesn't feel it to us, so Nancy: I just don't think I can do it Nancy: It hurt so much losing someone who didn't love me back Nancy: If someone did and I messed it up Nancy: I think I'd die Rio: Yeah, its scary Rio: you know the old adage exists for a reason though Nancy: Does it? Rio: Definitely Rio: What's life without love? Rio: Not just romantic though, of course Nancy: True. Always got that fuckboy brother of mine Nancy: Like it or not Nancy: Teach him some respect would you please, lord knows I've tried Rio: And the rest of us Rio: I'll do my best Nancy: Jay's already helped, because he's that stereotypical straight man Nancy: And he's getting another daughter soon so Rio: He'll get there Rio: He's not as bad as he puts on Nancy: For your sake he better not be Rio: Come on Rio: I might be in love but I still have self-respect Nancy: Just checking, honey Nancy: Making sure you're still in there Rio: Please Rio: No man's changing me Nancy: Glad to hear it Nancy: Unless it's for the better, my mum vouches for that so often I wouldn't be surprised if that's why I'm gay Rio: 😂 Rio: Such a natural-born rebel, babe Nancy: Who can compete with a love that real? Best not to attempt Nancy: Or to look at it another way, I win, because I'll be the greatest without ever letting a man touch me. Sorry mum. No offence like Rio: That's the spirit Rio: Sure she'll be proud Nancy: We can only hope Rio: You don't think she is? Nancy: Maybe when I finish uni. I haven't done anything 'epic' yet Nancy: Haven't had two children though, so by degrees. Sorry Buster. No offence either Rio: Less black marks, for sure Nancy: We've both made it this far, she'll be happy with that Nancy: People have dropped out over less than what Buster's had to handle thanks to Chloe Nancy: So much drama Rio: Yeah, I'd bet on it Rio: She's no fool Rio: Some of us never even start, like 😜 Rio: Chlo must be fuelled by it, no other need to love it so very much Nancy: She is Nancy: I've never known anyone better at twisting things than that girl can Nancy: Hence I gave up punishing him fairly quick. She's better at it than I'd ever be Rio: Can't disagree Rio: She's got a knack for it Rio: and a lot of time on her hands to dish it out Rio: Bless her Nancy: How much did she see? Nancy: I don't want gross details I'm just trying to figure how she'll spin it Nancy: If she decides to Rio: Nothing like that, you're precious gay sensibilities are safe Rio: I don't know, obviously she was early and unannounced so we weren't on guard Rio: I clearly looked too comfortable for her liking? Nancy: God forbid you weren't hanging from the ceiling like the villain she thinks you are Nancy: And she'd be the type to bring your clothes into it, not being happy unless you were wearing a turtle neck or something Nancy: As if that can't still be sexy, excuse her Rio: Nail on the head, babe Rio: Your teacher fetish is showing shh Rio: but yeah, I'm basically a whore of Babylon here and she is taking the moral highground as a 'Mother' to act like that's why she's angry about it Nancy: Stop. I have to avoid the library and claim it's down to the dyslexia Nancy: Yeah Buster said she called you a prostitute Rio: Its chill, I've got hundreds Rio: and you're legal now, way more of a sexy grey area Rio: Not the first time I've heard that one Rio: Never from anyone I give a shit about though so, meh Nancy: Buster was so angry Nancy: Far from meh Nancy: I haven't seen him like that for a while Nancy: He must care Rio: I told you he's not that bad Nancy: Time will tell Nancy: The baby's due soon. How do you feel about that? Rio: I Rio: I don't know, to be honest Rio: Excited for him, glad Erin won't be as much of a nightmare about sharing as Chlo Rio: but I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me a tiny bit insecure, because she isn't as obviously not right for him, you know? Rio: He's done his best to make me not feel that but its still there, shh Nancy: I don't think she wants him back but it won't be easy having her on the doorstep Nancy: And newborns are harder work than one year olds so they really are gonna need each other Rio: She doesn't Rio: Yeah, I know Rio: I'll have to deal, like Nancy: She doesn't have the same family support as Chloe from what I've seen Nancy: I think there's just her mum Nancy: I don't know where she lives but it's not here, just Erin's uni is Nancy: I feel bad for her Rio: Yeah Rio: She hasn't done anything wrong, of course Rio: and I'm not going to begrudge her the help Rio: not that bitch Nancy: Get me saying here like I'm still a Dubliner Nancy: You're good, too good for him, but I can't stop you loving the prick Rio: Can't deny that heritage, ginge 🍀💛 Rio: Nah Rio: on both counts 🤷 Nancy: I really can't, everywhere I go in this city they go on about my accent Nancy: Well, I surrender. Just be happy, alright? Rio: Oh, Yanks Rio: How many of them have told you about their roots like you give a fuck? 🙄 Nancy: Honestly Rio: On it, you too, yeah? Nancy: I'll do my best Nancy: I can't help loving you, but it's platonic at least. No need to add to your drama Rio: The love triangle no one asked for Rio: I love you too, lots and lots Rio: Thanks for being you and decent about this Nancy: That or, Me, the librarian and the cat Nancy: Has a more lesbian phrase ever left my mouth? Nancy: Thanks for being you and not letting Buster turn you into a prick Rio: Never change Rio: and I won't either Nancy: Great Nancy: We can definitely go from there Rio: ✌💋 Rio: Lemme know when you fancy hitting up dem gay bars and I'll be back to party Nancy: I'm not bringing you, you'll turn every head Nancy: Especially if you borrow my clothes again Rio: N'awwh! Rio: I'll wear my own whorey attire, don't worry Nancy: That's not better Nancy: They'll all want you or think you're the stripper Rio: I can work with that 😏 Nancy: Face it you aren't coming and stealing my thunder if and when I decide I wanna bring it Rio: FINE Rio: Just tell me all about it yeah? And grace the 'gram with your beauty Nancy: The second part at least Rio: Boo! 😜 Nancy: Don't pretend you want all the ins and outs of whoever takes my virginity Rio: I am extremely nosy Rio: and caring, tah 😎 Nancy: And inappropriate but who am I to judge like Rio: Potayto potahto Nancy: That was beautiful Nancy: It made me homesick Rio: Not long 'til Christmas, babe Rio: or my Bday but not angling, like Nancy: I'll bring the finest of what NYC has to offer Nancy: When I decide what that is Rio: Who Rio: 😉 Nancy: 🙄 Nancy: Speaking of, go find Buster, sure I made him cry like Nancy: Standard Rio: On it Rio: Anything you wanna say to dry those tears, or cause more, not taking sides here Nancy: So neutral I felt it Nancy: You can tell him to expect a text when he gets home safe Nancy: You too Rio: That's me Rio: Cool Rio: Well, better free up my texting fingers for this drama Rio: Catch up soon? Nancy: Yeah Rio: 💞