#it's like viewing the teenage growing up experience in retrospect

[thewhizzyhead]

oki so when i first listened to olivia rodrigo's 'sour' 2 years ago, i was genuinely surprised by how much of the album resonated with me as a 17 year old having gone through similar feelings of hopelessly lost heartbreak and questions of self-worth in its various forms - like it really felt like a coming-of-age album of sorts made to and perhaps for 16-18 year olds and i really did like that! anyways imagine my fucking glee when 'vampire' and 'bad idea right?' released and showed thematically and sonically that "Oh shit this is for a much older audience than last time oh shit this one's for the college gurlies, this new album is for me"

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Have you discussed Jimin and Jungkook's rain fight?

There's dumpling fight bw vmin, banana fight bw hopekook etc.

But the rain fight between Jimin and Jungkook kind of stood out to me. Because it seems to have really affected Jungkook some way. It sounds like some kind of turning point in their friendship, especially from Jungkook's side.

I am not sending this ask to a shipper blog, coz they might be a bit biased, so sending in here.

I don't think I had the opportunity. I think I just mentioned something about Jungkook's storytelling skills in the context, but that's it.

Perhaps it was a turning point for Jungkook because he saw immediately the consequences to his actions. And not because of some banana, but in a situation in which someone close to him got really angry.

I'm trying to think of myself at that age and how I reacted to fights. For example, I would argue with my siblings all the time. We would say horrible things to each other and we would get into screaming matches. I didn't have that with my close friends. Until one day in high school. I was bummed out because I didn't do well on some final test and I kept telling myself that I was stupid. I couldn't shut up about it. My bff at that time, trying to make me understand how wrong it is to talk about myself like that and get a reality check, all of a sudden she approved me. She said "yes, you're absolutely right. You are stupid because you got a bad grade. Are you happy?" And because I was a dumb teenager, I stormed off, went home, cried a bit and then with two other friends, we all decided to meet at our favorite cafe, have a talk and get it over with. And then we didn't have another fight for many many years.

Do you think I took that as a life lesson? Or my friendship dynamic changed? Nah, we were 17 and still dumb and we had crushes and homework to think about. And now, more than a decade later, I get to listen to these two guys being so overly dramatic and taking responsibility and I'm thinking, wow, they were much more mature than I was. Or perhaps the friendship they had was really special. I mean, it must have been due to the context as well. They were both working day and night along other people because they had a goal in life. You have to grow up fast in a situation like that. Leaving home so early had a contribution. Jimin and Jungkook were lucky that they got along so well since the beginning and became close friends. You need that. I can speak from experience and unlike them, I didn't have the opportunity to make great friends while being away from home. But they did, they got each other so of course having a serious fight must have caused quite a big reaction and solving the conflict was like a soap opera/k-drama scene. Crying in the rain was the cherry on top.

The vmin dumpling incident was about work ethic and bruised egos and that too was dramatic. I think there was some physical altercation involved too, but that's just me and my imagination, don't take that seriously.

But in the rainy day fight, they were not on equal footing either. Jimin is the older and probably felt responsible for Jungkook's behavior. Then Jungkook had a big ego too and forgot his place. Trying to navigate that can lead to conflicts. (Remember Jin and Tae fighting during the tour? It's exactly that).

I personally don't see life as a series of life lessons. It's too random and we're too wrapped up in our own heads and our existence in order to realize we should learn something from that. Perhaps it's cultural as well. But the way in which both Jimin and Jungkook told the story, it did seem like an event that had marked the way they should behave with not only one another, but also in relation to those around them. At least they see that retrospectively. If I were to get into BTS now and discover this story, told from their point of view, it wouldn't take long for me to become their fan because they embody a type of relationship that one wishes to have, especially as a friendship.

[marciabrady]

Hi Marcia! I read your meta about Snow and Aurora's ages and it was very well thought! I wanted to ask you about how do you view the issue of Ariel's age? Unlike Aurora and Snow who are timeless or 16 in a fantasy world where it was the age of majority for young women, Ariel was written much like a very modern teenage girl. I remember that in the DVD commentary both Mark Henn and John Musker stated that they wanted Ariel to feel more like a real teenage girl in aspects like wanting to grow up but still being innocent or even in details like her fawning over Eric's statue, which Musker made the comparison of a teenage girl fawning over her favorite rock star poster in her room. She was also partly inspired in Alyssa Milano who was 16 at the time to model her physical appearance (alongside Glen Keane's wife and Sherri Stoner who were both adult women). Because of that, many people have issue that she married at age 16, because many feel as if an actual high schooler got married. I still don't buy it, because I remember in a magazine that Ron Clements said that through the movie Ariel grows from a teenage girl to a young woman and Glen Keane stated that her story is that about a teenage girl becoming an adult, in other words, her story is one of coming of age, but what do you think about it?

Thank you so much for letting me know how you experienced my thoughts! The Ariel topic is a very divisive one but, as always, I have an opinion about it lol

So, I can definitely tell you've done a ton of research from all the references you listed! I totally agree that there's an argument to be made about The Little Mermaid, in some ways, being a coming of age story for a young girl but I always felt it was more of an allegory for the gay experience and found the former take just substitutes as the straight, sanitized version of this. With the original author being LGBT and Howard Ashman adapting it, there's so many gay allusions and parallels that go over so many people's head, and it's so much more than just a straight woman who doesn't fit into her society. The inclusion of Ariel being sixteen, like in Aurora's case, was a nod to the original fairytale (though in most versions I'm almost certain that the mermaid is fifteen), and the film admittedly suffers from slight tonal issues because it's caught between being a fairytale and the newer shift to intentionally making stories more modern (despite the fact that the previous films all had timeless storytelling, I think every generation just thinks they're reinventing the wheel; I remember reading interviews Lesley Ann Warren did when the '65 Cinderella came out and she was claiming it was a much more realistic and modern take on Julie Andrews's Cinderella and, in retrospect, Julie's seems to emerge as the more realistic and modern one).

I think saying Ariel is sixteen does give the audience insight, as I mentioned in a previous ask with Snow White, of how much less...cynical she is about the world around her. She isn't blind to the horrors that humanity is capable of committing, but she has such an untainted view of life, especially in comparison with Triton, and she's his direct foil when it comes to the storyline of the film. I, personally, still take this with a grain of salt though because it's undoubtedly a fantasy film and the reason that we're clutching so tight is because 18 is the legal age of consent in our modern times, in America, but even if this was a super literal take...16 would've been the age Ariel would've gotten married anyway in the time she comes from? That's not even counting what the age of consent would've been in Atlantica or in Triton's kingdom, and those rules are probably different than ours. Besides, we don't know how much time passes between Triton turning Ariel into a human and the wedding happening. Also, nothing is sketchy about her and Eric's relationship because it's impossible that he's more than two years older than her, which still places their relationship in a healthy dynamic in terms of consent.

I think Mark and Glen and the directors, and even Jodi's, take on Ariel is valid but I think the most important, when examining artistic intent is Howard Ashman's, as he and Hans Christian Andersen, are the creators of Ariel. Jodi even says that she mimicked Howard's reading of the lines and, if anyone ever loves Ariel, it's because of Howard Ashman's take and how he coached her. Everything about Ariel comes from Howard, and I think the reason we never see Ariel in the sequels the way she is in the original film is because of the loss of that fundamental gay perspective. So, yes, technically Ariel could just be seen as a realistic teenager who's coming into her own but I personally see her as someone who's learning to live life in a society that oppresses her, against all odds, and in the face of a family that doesn't understand or accept her. It's about Ariel discovering herself and finding her place in the world and I think it's safe to say these things could be true about any teenage girl, and I think it's a great diversion for directors who want to make a film marketable to middle America and generally present it as more acceptable, but those things are so much more true to the gay experience and community. How do you live in a world where you constantly have to hide yourself, change who you are, lie to your family for your own safety, feel like an outsider? Where the life you want is seemingly accessible, but also out of reach? How that move, which will in so many ways be validating and help you feel like a participant in life as opposed to a prisoner, will at the same time give you a new life and love and family, while completely alienating you from everything you've ever known and is dangerous and can cause you to lose everything- even your own life? Does having a voice matter that much if you're stifling yourself and who you are on a daily basis? Or is the voice of authentic self-expression more important? I swear, I could talk about this forever, but to answer your question, I think the teenager coming into her own take is fine (and Ariel being sixteen...again, she came from a different time when people got married much younger, Eric wasn't that far apart from her in age, and we don't know how much time passed between her becoming a human and the wedding), but I ultimately think it's the story of a gay person finding their place in the world and having to navigate through life alone and risking everything to be able to live authentically. There's a reason the Disney studios credit Howard with "giving a mermaid her voice."

[psychicdreamfriendoperator]

What do you think the Shishigumi were like as teenagers

Considering that this ask includes all of the Shishigumi, I opted to just do bulletpoints this time around.

In retrospect, I didn't focus on their personalities as teenagers, but rather on what their lives were like as teens.

I hope this is okay— enjoy!

— Psychic

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Ibuki

He joined the Shishigumi at age 18.

Even after joining the syndicate, he was by and by a non-violent person.

If the then-boss hadn't made him, Ibuki would not have gotten involved in the dirtier parts of the business.

He understood how cruel the world was (the tattoos on his arm are a harsh reminder of that), but he kept a type of naiveté about him, still.

Even in the Black Market, the life of a criminal was highly romanticised.

To put it simply, Ibuki's naiveté all but disappeared when he killed his first animal.

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Dolph

Dolph had a clear understanding of how criminal groups operated.

He was young, but he wasn't stupid.

He knew what he was getting into, but he was smart enough to understand that he had no other options.

The teenaged Dolph only thought of one thing: “survival”.

But, no amount of preparation can prepare someone for nearly having their eyes clawed out in a fight.

Dolph was never the hyperactive type, but after he gained his iconic scar, he retreated further inwards.

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Free

Believe it or not, Free actually calmed down a little from when he was a teenager.

Teenaged Free had no concept of doing anything in moderation, and picked fights with any and every one.

He didn't expect to survive for long in the Black Market— if you could die today, why waste time planning for tomorrow? Wasn't it best to die with no regrets?

Joining the Shishigumi gave him structure; this structure, though criminal in nature, resulted in Free putting a clamp on his reckless nature.

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Agata

Everything about Agata was average.

His grades, his school life . . .

He was regarded as a “failure” because of his mediocrity; we all know how society views lions, after all.

Perhaps something clicked in him.

He was mediocre, yes, but he was still a lion.

And a proud one at that.

He wasn't impressive at all, really, but he still amassed a small following at his school.

And then, he met the Shishigumi.

Though he's now an adult in his 20s, one could argue that Agata's still a teenager at heart.

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Hino

Growing up in the Black Market wasn't exactly an easy life.

His access to education was very limited.

What he lacked in book smarts, Hino made up for it with street smarts, and with his looks.

It was certainly dishonest, but he made himself into something of a scam artist.

He'd pick a target, romance them and then swindle them out of their savings.

He made a semi-comfortable living like this, though he had to stop when he joined the syndicate.

His looks were put to use elsewhere.

Arguably, Hino's line of work never changed— just the boss.

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Miguel

In the Black Market, strength meant authority. Authority meant power. Power meant survival.

Miguel kicked, bit, scratched and clawed his way to survival.

Underground fighting rings were a quick, easy way to earn money. Wealthy patrons would then bet on who would win, and who would die lose.

He was scouted by the Shishigumi's then-leader for his brute strength.

Only a fool would turn down the population to join the gang.

There was power in numbers, after all.

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Jinma

He reveived no formal education; the streets were his teacher, and surviving each day was his test.

While others focused on gaining notoriety or immense strength, Jinma focused on gaining information.

Though it wasn't anything impressive, Jinma ran an information guild when he was a teen.

It qas comprised of himself and whoever he could pick up off the streets.

He was loyal only to himself— he didn't mind snitching on a mob boss to another syndicate leader, provided that the price was right.

He was scouted by the Shishigumi’s then-boss not too long after.

He accepted because, at that point in time, he had quite a few mob bosses after him. He was promised protection from them should he join the Shishigumi.

As a precautionary measure, Jinma cut his mane. He faked a birthmark by applying black dye to his face.

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Dope

He was a suave talker ever since he was young.

He could negotiate anything; raw talent such as this was rare in the Black Market.

With his honeyed words, he could convince a herbivore to walk straight into a carnivore's jaws.

Like most of the other Shishigumi lions, Dope was scouted by the Leader himself.

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Sabu

I headcanon that he grew up in the gang.

He's the oldest of the current members, which seems to imply that he has experience under his belt.

As a teen, Sabu would've lived separate from the recruits— he was already a trusted member of the gang by virtue of having grown up in it, the new recruits were not.

His face is scarred as a result of the many fights he got into.

He began to wear his bandana as an intimidation tactic.

Just as komodo dragons are known for their venom, lions are known for their powerful jaws.

He doesn't need to rely on his fangs to hurt someone.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

a few years back now, i wrote a big d&m post about this pic. about how in 2011, i was depressed/anxious, lonely and feeling lost. when i posted the pic originally in 2013, i was still very deep in that mindset as well.

however, 10 years on, i realise that those feelings, although brought on by the toxic environment i was in at the time (let’s not even get started on that), and my views of myself at 15/16 were false. life obviously had bigger and more dramatic things to give me at 25/26 than “you’ll never be desirable to men if you never learn to shut your mouth like a REAL WOMAN does” and such other poisonous comments i was receiving at school from staff. those comments were just a blip in time. but i’ve learnt that those comments were really a reflection of the gross patriarchal views of the church (as well as society in general) which i was so fucking happy to “escape from” (ah the dramatic queen i was) at the time by moving schools.... but those views are not a reflection of me as a person.

for everyone whose landed in teaching, please know that if you make these types of comments to your students, it really does affect them. it took me 10 years to grapple with and tackle my self esteem to the point where i am confident in who i am; all because some petty teachers didn’t like how outspoken and loud i was as at 15/16. like y’all. let teen girls be a bit feral, loud and opinionated. it doesn’t hurt for them to try that on and then discard it after a period of time, or possibly never (like i never have- except i’m no longer feral lol).

although many of my teen opinions that i find on tumblr through my archive or my facebook memories are problematic as hell and some of them i now find completely unrelatable..... at least i know i’ve grown in the years since. and it’s also funny that i don’t even look up to the musicians and actors that always bore the advice of “be yourself and see who likes you for you” or whatever the fuck general platitudes they gave for self confidence advice to fans; anymore. how times change.

and although these comments were extremely hurtful at the time, i have always known that i am more than my perceived desirability to men. i am obviously still loud and opinionated; but i know now that my opinion is sometimes not needed on things... which is unlike teenage me, who liked shooting her mouth off every 5 minutes just for funsies. i have always been whole on my own, and those comments were a counter to that belief.... because as patriarchal assholes always love to ask and state: “what is a woman without her/a man? nothing.” uh, no. she’s a whole ass person, you fuck. there’s a reason that one of my fave lyrics of all time is “im not here for your entertainment, you don���t wanna mess with me tonight”. to me, it means i’m not going to entertain anyone who thinks i’m not a whole ass person on my own. don’t fuck with me if you think a woman always needs a man to be whole.

basically the vibe of this post is just to let people grow in their own fucking time, and don’t try to force growth through guilt-tripping. personal growth is a messy ride for everyone. even more so today, with social media being such a general suck on people’s self worth.

a whole ass decade ago i was depressed, anxious, lonely and feeling lost. obviously, the lost bit is still there, because who doesn’t experience the lost feeling from time to time- and even more so during a worldwide pandemic -(that’s a big storm you’ve got coming honey)- but life is transitory and fickle. and yes i still have my down days. and yes i still grapple with my anxiety and depression. but i am enough. i am loved.

a whole ass decade ago i thought i was worthless, stupid and every other negative word in the dictionary. i felt numb and alone. in retrospect, i got through uni and still have my knowledge; even though i had to admit to myself that i had to drop out of my postgrad course due to burnout, and also realised that librarianship just wasn’t for me. i was also forced to quite literally physically feel things while in hospital, considering that i begged for anaesthesia for literally everything all the time 😂. bitch gotta feel at some point. might as well do it now.

back in 2011, i felt as though i couldn’t connect with anyone anymore. *just throw any mid 2000s/early 2010s emo song lyrics about feeling disconnected, inadequate and depressed here*. and yeah, it’s true. i still have those days where i feel like that. but i’ve got a few friends who like me for me, still. no matter how fucking messy i am.

personal growth hurts sometimes.... in every aspect of your being. growth is slow. and other times, incredibly rapid (such as my time in icu which is my decade reality check). and you know what? i got through it all as the ☀️ girl i was deemed as being back then 😂.

sometimes, in the end, you have to approach life from the sunny side up and laugh- which i can now do- since 10 years have come to pass to divorce me from my awkward, rebellious & punky teenage self. little miss sunshine has woken up to know that somebody loves her always (okay that’s my nephew) and continually lives in an endless pandemic hell as if every day is her weekend and every year is her year (okay not really- 2020 was a nightmare for everyone- let’s be real here). little miss sunshine knows that she’s whole on her own even on her bad days. she’s okay. and that’s fine.

or as one of my long time fave songs says: “stay awake, get grip and get out/you’re safe from the weight of the world/just take a second to set things straight/i’ll be fine even though i’m not always right/i can count on the sun to shine.” (c’mon we all knew this would come out).

[citizen-zero]

also relatedly I feel like something that doesn’t get talked about enough in a neutral light is the fact that like. yes, preteen and young teen girls have sexual thoughts and feelings.

I feel like the rightful push against the sexualization of young girls has to some degree hindered the ability to talk about that in a way that isn’t super puritanical. Like I feel like as soon as you bring up the basic reality that girls experience sexual feelings when puberty hits, you get looked at like a weirdo (even if you yourself are a girl and had the experience of being a preteen girl).

and I get WHY, don’t get me wrong, I know why that’s the reaction. I know that rape culture and patriarchy objectify young girls and I know that creeps will talk about the sexuality of young girls to try justifying their grooming and predation. Like I get it.

(And by “sexuality” I’m mean the general experience of one’s relationship to sexual attraction. I’m going to refer to the sexuality of young people a lot in this and I’m NOT saying “the sexiness of young people,” I’m saying it to refer to the way newly pubescent people understand and relate to their own sense of attraction and identity. Human sexuality, etc)

But sometimes it feels like we’ve done a 180 and we’ve ended up back at denying that young girls ever have any feelings like that at all, which is not only sexist, but it also has the potential to be detrimental in the sense that girls will still end up feeling like what they’re feeling is shameful and bad, because it’s taboo to talk about it, but now it’s taboo because acknowledging it in any way means you’re being a creep (or inviting the attention of creeps), rather than just being taboo because of antiquated ideas about sexual purity or whatever.

And it’s wild because it feels like there isn’t the same tension around talking about the sexuality of preteen and young teen boys—like, how many times have we laughed at that one Amazon review that some mom left on an economy pack of Kleenex? the one where the whole joke is that she needs that many tissues because she has three teenage sons who just jerk off constantly?

I guarantee you that if some parent wrote a long product review where the joke was “my teenage daughters are super horny” they’d have been crucified. But somehow it’s funny and expected and okay when it’s boys. I know society’s view on young boys’ sexuality is also VERY flawed, but in the context of what I’m saying, it just strikes me as weird that acknowledging boys’ sexuality doesn’t elicit the same pearl-clutching reaction that acknowledging girls’ sexuality does.

And I’m not even saying that we should start making jokes or that we should fully relax in the fight against sexualization. I’m just saying that we can’t let that fight lead us back to the 19th century where people pushed the idea that women had no sexual feeling at all and were pure beings. That’s not a healthy outlook, anymore than pressuring girls to act more mature than they are is a healthy outlook.

Because I remember being 13 or 14 and talking to my girl friends about what celebrities we’d bang, or what we’d put in our vaginas (and in my case, what I had already put in there), or about the sex scenes in the books we were reading. There was one whole evening that we wandered around the neighborhood after dark finding signs and mailboxes to grind up against and joke that we were fucking it. I remember one Halloween all us neighborhood kids sitting in my best friend’s living room watching a movie and me and some of the guys talking about tits.

And like, it was all talks amongst ourselves that we initiated without some adult leading us into it. I look back on those experiences fondly and as just a part of growing up. There wasn’t anything wrong with them. And unfortunately I have something to compare it to; at age 15 I was in a long distance “relationship” with someone who was 25, and in retrospect, I feel really fucking grimy about the sexual conversations I had with her, even though the majority were RPs and usually not anything about the two of us. I don’t have any of those feelings when thinking about the expressions of sexuality I made amongst my peers.

I guess in conclusion like, I think we need to be able to talk about the sexuality of young girls in a neutral way. I think we need to normalize the idea and fact that girls do have sexual thoughts, feelings, and conversations. I think we can and should acknowledge that without worrying that such acknowledgment might be or become the same thing as sexualization, because it’s not. It’s just a normal part of growing up.

[kpopfic-recs]

♡ nct ships masterlist ♡

Note: If you are unable to view the formatting on the mobile app, switch to reading on your mobile browser

(Last update 4/27/20)

Key: Fluff (❀) Angst (☆) Mature (☾) Completed Series (✓) Incomplete Series (✗)

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Markhyuck

↳ Series

Put One Foot in Front of the Other (author unknown) II ❀ ✓

Summary: Donghyuck had wished long and hard for something or someone to bring excitement back into his life. (Hospital!AU)

Length of story: 3 parts/4.8k words

Warnings: Illness

Suckerpunched by nascar II (+ Norenmin) ❀ ☆ ✓

Summary: Jaemin knows the way he feels about Jeno and Renjun isn’t right by their society’s standards. (Boarding school!AU)

Length of story: 2 parts/6.6k words

Warnings: Death, suicide, homophobia

another world by ayotenten II ❀ ☆ ✓

Summary: "H-Hyuck ..?", Mark stuttered, his eyes trailing over the younger’s back, "What .. what is that ..?" He never wanted him to find out. He just wanted to live a normal life like everyone else. (In which a world with angels doesn’t exist, or does it?)

Length of story: 2 parts/10.6k words

Warnings: Blood

The Smile Carved Onto Your Face by nextdoorneighbor II ❀ ☆ ✓

Summary: Mark wants to run away with Donghyuck, take him away from his abusive family.

Length of story: 2 parts/12.3k words

Warnings: Minor character death, blood, mental illness, violence, domestic violence, self harm

Duplicity by excelgensis II ☆ ☾ ♡ ✓

Summary: “What’s between us has never been wrong. It’s just simple. You and me. Me and you. We’ve always been this way.” The air is hitching in Mark’s throat. His fingers finally find purchase in Donghyuck’s hoodie and they both freeze. 'Simple,' he thinks. 'Mark and Donghyuck. Donghyuck and Mark. Set on a collision course since the beginning of the universe.'

Length of story: 2 parts/16.1k words

Warnings: Internalized homophobia

someone’s bound to get burned by bfmark II ❀ ✓

Summary: "Jesus, I said to draw him, not make someone you don't know an entire shrine." "That's mark to you. and I know, but when you're asked to observe an angel so ethereal, your hand tends to slip, you know?" "Not really-" "Oh my god, just get in the car, picasso." Alternatively, Mark gets a little out of hand when he tries to prove his brother wrong and accidentally gets whipped for the boy from directed study. Along the way, he learns that change isn't so bad after all.

Length of story: 9 parts/20.4k words

Warnings: Mentions of mental illness

a little extraordinary by saddermachine II ❀ ☆ ✓

Summary: It's not exactly normal to have a strange boy climbing through your bedroom window in the dead of night. it's even more unusual to have this become a regular occurrence. Mark tries his best to take it all in his stride but it all get's decidedly difficult when a growing crush and a murky backstory keep trying to trip him up. (High School!AU)

Length of story: 24 parts/118.8k words

Warnings: Mentions of child abuse, sexual abuse/rape, guns & gaslighting, violence, blood.

hell week by bluebot II ❀ ☆ ♡ ✓

Summary: Lee Donghyuck's Abridged Guide to Surviving Finals:

Don’t attempt to do any demon invocation rituals from mysterious old magic books you found in the university library.

If you disobey Tip #1, immediately find a way to break the curse and cast the demon back into Hell.

2a. Don't keep the demon around and, above all,

2b. Don't go and fall for the hellspawn.

Also, for the love of God, make sure to get a full night's sleep before your first exam.

(In which Donghyuck's a college student who takes everything too lightly and Mark's the Underworld's worst demon.)

Length of story: 17 parts/150.9k words

Warnings: Blood, demons, mentions of death, mentions of hunger, underage drinking.

  ↳ One Shots

my brothers don’t like it when you come around by daikonradish II ❀

Summary: There’s a crack in the door to the bedroom, and Taeyong squeezes beside Doyoung in order to get a look inside, right above Johnny on his knees, and Jaehyun on his tippy toes. They collectively stare at the boy typing into the pink flip phone, the sound of sweet laughter following every movement of his fingers across the keyboard. “What do you think it is?” Johnny whispers, head resting on his palms. “I don’t know.” Taeyong answers, a somber expression on his face. “But it can’t be anything good.” (90s!AU)

Length of story: 2.2k words

Warnings: None

The Edge of Glory by Hear_the_Dokidoki II ☾

Summary: 

- If you lied about your health status 1) fuck you and 2) I will track you down.

- Do not peek. Where is the fun in that anyways?

- Praise is always ok, but don’t degrade me unless I give you permission.

- Do not force me to deepthroat.

If you break the rules…Remember: your dick is in my mouth and I have teeth :) (College!AU)

Length of story: 2.3k words

Warnings: Virgin!Mark, glory hole

summer night by kuntens II ❀ ☾

Summary: Donghyuck has always been clear about what he wants, but it's a whole different story when it comes to Mark Lee.

Length of story: 2.4k words

Warnings: None

Church Boys by fluffywinkos II ❀

Summary: A new face brings new feelings and experiences for the young devout boy, Lee Donghyuck.

Length of story: 2.7k words

Warnings: Mentions of homophobia

Between Shadow and Soul by excelgesis II ☆ ☾

Summary: Maybe it’s better, Mark thinks, that Donghyuck takes his honey skin and windchime voice and goes far, far away--because Donghyuck is sin personified and Mark Lee is a good Christian. But Mark knows that in the dead of night he'd gladly take bruised knees and an aching throat for Donghyuck, and he finds no reprieve in Bible verse or the kaleidoscopic beauty of stained glass.

Length of story: 2.7k words

Warnings: Internalized homophobia, religious themes, voyeurism

test me by hoesthetic II ❀ ☆

Summary: "Are you a compulsive liar then?" Mark asks, it's a joke, kind of. But he has always been told that he isn't very funny so it's a surprise when the other boy snorts. "Nah, but I could be. You can be whatever you want. Anyway, I'm Donghyuck. And you-", he says, then pokes Mark's chest with his finger, "-are going to be my friend". Mark meets Donghyuck while attending group therapy and although he knows everything is temporary, he lets himself hope that it will last.

Length of story: 3.3k words

Warnings: Mental illness, pyromania, depression, suicidal thoughts/actions

you’re in my prayers by jisungs II ❀

Summary: Donghyuck, in the midst of a boring summer, meets a church boy named Mark and falls in love.

Length of story: 3.3k words

Warnings: Drinking, mentions of drugs

Because you’re...you by ncitykillsme II ❀

Summary: Haechan steals Mark's clothes because he thinks that's the closest he can get to Mark without rejection. (College!AU)

Length of story: 3.4k words

Warnings: None

here is where the wave broke (and turned back to the sea) by hericide II ❀ ☆

Summary: Donghyuck is an intelligent young king, but he refuses to think about why Mark never comes home from the war.

Length of story: 3.5k words

Warnings: Minor character death

To Bear the Shade by excelgesis II ☆

Summary: He sees Donghyuck’s hooded gaze in the dingy light of a bathroom as he stumbles against Mark and slurs that 'it doesn’t have to mean anything'. Mark wants it to mean something. He always has. “Don’t,” Mark whispers, trailing his lips along Donghyuck’s jawline and leaving a smear of blood in their wake, “don’t tell me it doesn’t mean anything.” Donghyuck’s fingers dig into Mark’s waist. “It’s always meant something.” (Vampire!AU)

Length of story: 3.8k words

Warnings: Blood/blood drinking, suggestive content

Collar Full by valetudinary II ☆

Summary: Donghyuck sees the colorful strings connecting each person to one another. Life isn't all that exciting when he suddenly gets his heart broken, until a boy whose strings shine the brightest walks into his life.

Length of story: 5.1k words

Warnings: None

wanna spill my GUTS by nascar II ☆

Summary: The second day into his senior year, Mark makes a list. Scrappily labeled “How to Not Fall In Love With Lee Donghyuck.” In retrospect, he realizes that the list was counterproductive in every sense of the word. In Seventh grade at lacrosse camp, he’d been cross-checked by five feet and one-hundred lbs of unyielding boy. He’d been in love with Lee Donghyuck before he’d even hit the ground.

Length of story: 5.4k words

Warnings: Underage drug use, drinking, suggestive content

Kissing Lessons by americanbaekhyun II ☆

Summary: Mark has a girlfriend but doesn't know how to kiss. Donghyuck offers to give him lessons. (College!AU)

Length of story: 5.6k words

Warnings: Drinking, drugs, smoking

you’re like summer (brighter than the morning sun) by donghyuck II ❀

Summary: Mark's family moves into the empty house besides Haechan, and Mark both hates and loves the room that he gets because it gives him a good view of the backyard where Haechan is always sun tanning.

Length of story: 6.2k words

Warnings: Underage drinking

six deadly sins. by sugarhyuck II ❀ ☆

Summary: Mark's journey to deal with the six deadly sins: sloth, pride, greed, envy, anger, and lust to have Donghyuck as his.

Length of story: 6.9k words

Warnings: Suggestive content

Out Of Your Mind by SlimeQueen II ❀ ☆ ♡

Summary: Mark just wants to be a regular teenager. Or as regular as an eighteen-year-old sharing his body with a demon can get. And unfortunately for him, Donghyuck loves making things complicated.

Length of story: 7.1k words

Warnings: Drugs, demons/demonic possession 

windows. by dancehyuck II ❀ ☆

Summary: Mark wants to spend time with the blind people at his church because that's just the kind of person he is, but when he meets Donghyuck, it becomes so much more than that.

Length of story: 7.2k words

Warnings: Illness

come over here and overwhelm me by hoesthetic II ❀

Summary: There's this boy. The first time Mark saw him sitting on the bleachers, he swore to God that his heart dropped down to his stomach. Now Mark knows his name, it's Donghyuck Lee, but back then he didn't. It was like love at first sight, the pretty emo kid laughing with his emo friends. (High school!AU)

Length of story: 8.3k words

Warnings: Drinking

the weekend, or whatever by paroxysmalirony II ❀

Summary: Donghyuck snorts. “And I'm the extra one.” “I guess you're rubbing off on me,” Mark shrugs and sets off quietly. (High school!AU, Athlete!Mark)

Length of story: 8.8k words

Warnings: Underage drug use

i was lowkey (that’s the old me) by hyuckheis II ❀

Summary: Donghyuck is going to start prematurely greying because of Mark Lee. Alternatively, Mark gets glasses. (College!AU, FTL!AU)

Length of story: 9.2k words

Warnings: None

I Had Everything (I Can See In Your Eyes) by The_TrashLifeisReal II ☆

Summary: Mark is only 16 but he's already lived two lives: Life with Haechan and life without Haechan. But in both of them Mark is in love and it hurts him. (High school!AU)

Length of story: 9.3k words

Warnings: Implied/referenced rape/non-con, underage drinking, implied/referenced alcohol abuse/alcoholism, implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced underage sex, implied/referenced underage prostitution

Honey by lumarkle II ☆

Summary: Sometimes the things we want the most have the most power to hurt us, and Mark Lee learns this the hard way.

Length of story: 9.8k words

Warnings: Bullying, toxic friendships, unhappy (?) ending kinda sorta

when we get closer by bluebot II ❀ ☾ ♡

Summary: Donghyuck loved Mark like this. On a rare lazy day, Donghyuck and Mark stay in and watch a movie together while their hyungs are out. (FTL!AU)

Length of story: 10.7k words

Warnings: First time

ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb! by idolrapper II ❀ ♡

Summary: “You’ve obviously thought about it if it’s on your list,” Jaemin says, stirring his bibimbap after squeezing an obscene amount of gochujang on it. “Which by the way is a worryingly short list. Like you’d take a bullet for Donghyuck? You’d sit through his gazillionth rewatch of the Twilight series? But you wouldn’t fuck him?” Or Donghyuck asks his best friend Mark to take his virginity. Feelings ensue. (College!AU, FTL!AU)

Length of story: 12.8k words

Warnings: Sexual content (not necessarily smut but pretty spicy?)

Today, too, the policeman sits (by the busker’s empty pitch) by mylifeincoffeespoons II ❀ ☆

Summary: Seoul Police Officer Mark Lee is reassigned to a quiet town, population ~1k. Which is, of course, where he meets the most troublesome (read: annoying) repeat offender of his entire career: street violinist Lee Donghyuck. Alternatively: Mark is a cop, but who exactly is pursuing who is anyone's guess.

Length of story: 15k words

Warnings: None

Equal exchange by sunshineandeyebrows II ❀ ☆ ☾ ♡

Summary: Donghyuck groans, plops gracefully down on the chair situated behind him. "Don't call me Your Majesty, that's my brother," he complains. "How should I call you, then, My Prince?" Mark asks carefully, but he's stopped trembling. "That!" Donghyuck decides. "I like the sound of it, call me that." Mark nods again, remembers he got reprimanded for that. "As you wish, My Prince," he mumbled quickly. Donghyuck grins. (Royalty!AU)

Length of story: 15.1k words

Warnings: Mentions of slavery, scars

creature of habit by ilovenct II ❀ ☆

Summary: If Jeno was the angel on Mark’s shoulder, then Donghyuck was the devil, and Mark wanted to do something that felt wrong, even just once.

Length of story: 18.5k words

Warnings: Underage drinking, anxiety attacks, implied/referenced drug use, cheating

Set my heart high (like a volleyball) by bluedheart II ❀

Summary: Mark and Donghyuck belong to rival high schools and they hate each other's guts — they're not even subtle about this statement. They think the universe must be playing a joke on them when they end up in the same university, auditioning for the same volleyball team. (College!AU, ETL!AU)

Length of story: 19.1k words

Warnings: None

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

Noren

↳ One Shots

mint and vanilla by jenhyung II ❀

Summary: Renjun juggles a secret admirer, his best friend's life crisis, and Lee Jeno. (High school!AU, FTL!AU)

Length of story: 13.4k words

Warnings: None

the crystal chaser by jenhyung II ❀ ♡

Summary: Renjun has to deal with love potions, tea leaf readings, and the smell of throw up. (Harry Potter!AU)

Length of story: 17.4k words

Warnings: Vomit

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

Johnten

↳ One Shots

Happy Birthday, Loser by ouchwinwin II ❀ ☾

Summary: Ten gives Johnny something unusual for his birthday, and Johnny has to show his friends in the chat room exactly what he got. (FTL!AU)

Length of story: 6.4k words

Warnings: None

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

Johnyong

↳ One Shots

Little Miss Ruby by NeoCopperTechnology II ❀

Summary: Johnny finds a lost dog in front of his house and takes it to school with him. (College!AU)

Length of story: 12k words

Warnings: Drinking, mentions of sex

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

Dojae

↳ One Shots

To whom shall I pray to by AngelsMayDie II ❀ ☆

Summary: Where Doyoung (Hades) yearns for a forbidden love with the god that is hardest to reach, Jaehyun (Persephone).

Length of story: 9.3k words

Warnings: Drinking

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

Luwoo

↳ One Shots

you have my world (you’re my small universe) by princepixel II ❀

Summary: Hopeless romantic (and really tired) coffee shop worker Jungwoo is just going about his days (read: keeping Mark and Donghyuck from killing each other) when he starts getting hit on through....Yelp reviews? Who the hell is this 'W.Y.H' person and why does he keep saying Jungwoo's ass is so 'hella fine'? And they say romance is dead. (FTL!AU, slight side markhyuck)

Length of story: 10.2k words

Warnings: Slight mention of homophobia

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

Dota

↳ One Shots

Chains by berryboys II ❀

Summary: Doyoung swears that if Yuta says "no homo" once more, he's just going to kiss the hell out of him.

Length of story: 5.2k words

Warnings: Mentions of homophobia, suggestive content

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

2Tae

↳ One Shots

All of you by taeyong II ☾

Summary: Taeil tries to get his boyfriend drunk to know his species and gets more than what he bargained for.

Length of story: 3k words

Warnings: Tentacles, incubus!taeyong, human!taeil

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

Norenmin

↳ Series

Suckerpunched by nascar II (+ Markhyuck) ❀ ☆ ✓

Summary: Jaemin knows the way he feels about Jeno and Renjun isn’t right by their society’s standards. (Boarding school!AU)

Length of story: 2 parts/6.6k words

Warnings: Death, suicide, homophobia

  ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

Multiple Members

↳ Series

The Virgin’s Sob Story by brujsedbones II (Mark x 94-99 line) ❀ ☾ ♡ ✓

Summary: Meet Mark Lee: wildly popular virgin erotica novelist with a horrible case of writer’s block, freshly dumped by his now ex-boyfriend Kang Daniel, superstar hockey player, and the nation’s sweetheart.

Length of story: 14 parts/47.2k words

Warnings: Aged up characters, loss of virginity

  ↳ One Shots

Of How Curiosity Killed the Cat by gemihyuck II (00 line) ☾

Summary: Things escalate when Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin and Haechan find themselves browsing through porn sites together. 

Length of story: 2.7k words

Warnings: None

Everybody loves me by tol_sirion II (Taeil x 95-97 line) ☾

Summary: Recently, Taeil has been fantasizing about it. Dreaming about it sometimes, waking up half hard and with a moan on the tip of his tongue, rutting against the bed.

Length of story: 8.3k words

Warnings:  Gangbang, voyeurism

[linkspooky]

Shigaraki’s Self Perception

So a lot of people are taking Shigaraki’s flashback for his word, and using it as proof that Shigaraki was a genuinely destructive child who wished for or even enjoyed his family’s destruction. While yes there are cases of abused children who are pushed to a breaking point and resort to murder to escape their abusive situations, I think it’s important to address Shigaraki’s flashback with nuance for what is clearly an emotionally confused and traumatizing situation. 

People forget that for a long time this has been the narrative set for Shigaraki. That he’s only capable of destruction, and that he must have wanted it to be that way to have been born with such a quirk. It’s a narrative that other people (Chisaki, All for One, Redestro) attempt to force onto Shigaraki, but also one Shigaraki has accepted for himself. 

Narrative identity. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. The theory of narrative identity postulates that individuals form an identity by integrating their life experiences into an internalized, evolving story of the self that provides the individual with a sense of unity and purpose in life.

Basically, it’s interpreting a series of events connected to each other as if they are flowing in a story. It’s basically the way you see the story of your life, Shigaraki is a unique case where he defines himself as a villain and an antagonist. Shigaraki fully embraces the fact that he’s a negative, and destructive person in ways most people would avoid. However, as stories are made up fiction just because they are Shigaraki’s perceptions does not make them 1:1 with reality. Shigaraki’s narrative is a false one he’s embraced, and understanding that can help us understand how Shigaraki sees the world. 

1. Tenko Shimura is not an Omniscient Narrator

A common mistake that people make in writing and reading child characters is that they assume that they have the same thinking and reasoning capacity as adults. This is because most people cannot remember being teenagers, let alone children. A lot of people assume children are intentionally choosing to be bad or unreasonable, when really they just cannot reason or communicate the same way that adults can and the adults aren’t trying to bridge the gap in any significant capacity. 

And it’s clear that Horikoshi is writing these child characters with the intention to actually portray them as children as accurately as he can, because he even mentions this directly in the text of the narration. That kids think differently than most adults expect them too. 

So before going into Tenko’s perceptions of the events of the last two chapters, let’s briefly touch upon child psychology. Jean Piaget’s stages of development, is a psychological a study of cognitive development that divides a child’s brain developing into four stages sensorimotor, preoperational, concrete operational, and formal operational. 

Tenko is about five years old at the time of his most formative trauma, which puts him in the preoperatonal stage. While children begin to speak, think and interact with the world Piaget noted they do not yet think logically the same way adults do. 

Piaget noted that children in this stage do not yet understand concrete logic, cannot mentally manipulate information, and are unable to take the point of view of other people, which he termed egocentrism. [x]

Because they do not understand concrete logic yet, children instead depend on perception of the environment around them. That’s why children are influenced so much in their formative years by the houses they grow up in, because they simply don’t have the capacity for thinking things through with internal logic yet. 

From the age of about 4 years until 7 most children go through the Intuitive period. This is characterized by egocentric, perception-dominated and intuitive thought which is prone to errors in classification (Lefrancois, 1995). 

So let’s touch on these two concepts perception-dominated and egocentrism briefly before I use them to explain how Shimura Tenko sees the world. 

Egocentrism is the inability to understand that other people have different perspectives, thoughts, feelings and mental states. There’s a difference between an adult being egocentric and simply not caring to understand other people as three dimmensional individually operating entities with their own thoughts and feelings, and children lacking that capability because their brains are literally not developed enough to perceive it. This is something proven with literal experiments, a child cannot imagine a mountain from another person’s point of view on the opposite side of the mountain because they can only imagine seeing the mountain from the angle they are currently standing at. 

A child is led to believe that everyone thinks as they do, and that the whole world shares their feelings and desires. Therefore the child assumes automatically that they are the omnipotent narrator, because everybody thinks the same way they do. This is perception-dominated they define the world entirely by what they observe in their own perception, without reasoning through it. 

Let’s just use a quick example. Let’s say you are an adult and somebody tells you that you’re bad at math. As an adult you can think of evidence inside your own head to compare what somebody else tells you to be the truth, against your own personal truth and experiences. Well, I got an A in calculus so I don’t think I’m bad at math therefore that person must be saying something false. You reason through this conclusion by comparing it against your own self image and you also understand the difference between how other people perceive you and how you perceive yourself. For children it’s not nearly as distinct, and their perception is much more messy and lacking in this ability to think through and reason. If a child is continually told something, because all of their views are based off of perception rather than evidence based reasoning and logic a child will come to believe it. 

"Realism" is the child's notion that their own perspective is objective and absolute. The child thinks from one perspective and regards this reality as absolute.

So, children will make the mistake of assuming there is an absolute reality out of something that is their own personal perception. Just as a quick example, let’s say that they go to greet the mail man, and the mail man doesn’t say hi back. A child will jump to the assumption (the mail man hates me now because he’s ignoring me) based off of what is only their own personal perception. Whereas an adult might consider, oh the mail man is tired today, or maybe they didn’t hear me, because they consider the perceptions of other people as well. 

So you cannot trust Shimura Tenko’s assessment of his own memories, not because they’ve been manipulated in some way, but because the narrative of them has been manipulated and Shigaraki does not even allow himself the nuance that he was just a child, and children think differently from adults. 

So Shimura Tenko, is at the same time more perceptive of his environment than the adults realize, but also less perceptive than we as the readers give him credit. Kids are sneakier than you expect, but also more simple. He’s perceptive in the fact that he understands that there is something wrong in the household, and that he is being unfairly blamed and made the scapegoat and the other adults are not really doing anything about it.

Tenko however, does not understand basically anything about the nuance of abuse or even what the adults are thinking. All he knows is what he perceives of what the adults are thinking. He only understands his own emotions, and his own reactions to how other people treat him. 

Which is why Shimura views the way the adults treat him as rejection. We know that it’s mainly the father of the household trying to control everybody, and the mother, and two in-laws for their own reasons don’t stand up to him the way that they should for reasons we are not quite given, but I assume it has to do with Kotaro being the patriarch of the household and probably bringing in most of the money and defining the rules. 

Shimura does not understand any of this, he feels tension from the environment and feels that he is being persecuted but cannot understand the reason behind his persecution. 

He probably does not even understand that Nana blamed him for sneaking into the study because she was too afraid that she would get hit, because Tenko cannot perceive people’s internal emotions he can only read their outside actions. 

So Tenko is in a situation where he is abused, and rather than either standing up to the abuser, everyone else in his family who Tenko understands to be otherwise very kind and gentle people to him, seem to be siding with the abuser, the person hurting him rather than him. As they tell him to stop crying rather than trying to stop the person making him cry. That sends a message that he was wrong for crying in the first place. They give justification for the way the abuser acts instead of stopping the abuse, therefore saying that Tenko is being rightly punished for provoking the abuser. 

Tenko’s perception is then that Tenko himself is the bad child, and that he really is the one causing all the trouble in the household and he deserves to be punished. This is an assumption a lot of abused children make. That it’s their fault they are the one being abused.

Tenko believes that the adults were right, that he was a bad child and that was why they always took his father’s side, rather than trying to defend him. He then takes the leap of assuming that he must have been bad from the beginning and secretly have wanted what was obviously a freak accident. 

This is narrative justifying what is otherwise a situation that Tenko had little to no control over. It’s like saying that a city was destroyed by an earth quake because god was punishing them for being sinful. It’s using bias and retrospect, to retroactively give cause and purpose to what was otherwise a random tragedy. 

This is not only what Shigaraki has been told all his life but also what he believes. That he wants to be this way, that he wants to destroy things. That he was this rotten all along. 

This is future Shigaraki narrating his own bias on his past memories, and it’s clearly and deliberately different from the series of events we are so graphically shown, which is Tenko panicking and apologizing with clearly no idea with what is happening. 

A lot of people are asking why we were shown this in such graphic detail when we literally already know what happened to his family and were told several times. Well, here is why. Manga and comics are a storytelling medium that use sequential art and text, the art is contradicting the text and this is purposeful. 

Even the one person Tenko might have intentionally killed here is what happened. 

Tenko begs his father for help, because despite being on the receiving end of the abuse Tenko still perceives that they are family. Remember Tenko has always blamed himself for provoking Kotaro, not Kotaro for taking out his own personal issues on his son. 

While his son is crying and begging for help, rather than try to calm him down Kotaro’s first action is to literally try to stab him with a garden tool. 

And then, and only then do we see Shimura move from asking for help to attacking the person in front of him. It is self defense at that point. Not only does Tenko literally have no idea what’s going on because of his childlike perceptions, he only understands that someone is trying to kill him, and that his father who he’s begging for help isn’t going to help him. I wouldn’t even say it’s lashing out the way Shigaraki describes it, like he purposefully killed him with cold blooded hatred and intent to murder because his father attacked him and tried to kill him first.

And here we get narrative again. “I must have wanted this to happen” and “this only happened because I was a bad child and a curse on this household” Tenko takes all the blame on himself for destroying things, when several things were out of his control. It’s literally a reckoning three generations ago of bad and selfish decisions made by adults and forced onto him. Of Nana’s decision to abandon her child. Of Kotaro’s decision on how to run his household and take his issues out on a literal child rather than try to face his own pain. But Tenko does not understand that and in an attempt to give reason and agency to random trauma he takes the blame on himself instead. Because blaming yourself makes you feel less powerless in a way. 

Tenko never wants to be a crying victim begging for help again because the most traumatizing moment in his life was knowing that nobody would help him when he needed it. So he absolutely refuses to see himself as a victim in anyway, and not only that but the environment around Shigaraki has been telling him over and over again this is the case. 

Like, Shigaraki clearly did not commit genuine cold blooded murder on his father. Even though it was literally a case of self defense not only does Shigaraki apologize to his father’s hand years later, over and over again, but he also carries Kotaro’s hand directly on his face. It’s exactly the opposite, Shigaraki feels so much guilt over what happened that he literally not only repeats his father’s worse punishment on him (a slap to the face) symbolically but he’s still apologizing to him. 

This is something that Shigaraki’s environment, but also All For One tries to convince him of again and again. That he is an unfeeling and hollow person. That he must have been a bad and destructive child to control his household like this. 

It’s also something that Shigaraki embraces about himself as a coping mechanism. That he really must enjoy all this destruction. That he must have wanted to be this way for things to turn out this way. That he really is not capable of being anything else. 

It’s how Shigaraki has survived until this point, but it’s a mindset that ultimately harms him in the end. Shigaraki cannot grasp a future, he cannot grasp an end goal. He defines himself as someone who only intends entirely to destroy and keep lashing out, but he’s so reckless that he has literally zero self value in himself and barely protects himself when he’s fighting. 

In other words he’s going to end up like Deku. He’s just going to break himself in needless self destruction if he keeps on this path. Not because of what Re-destro says that Shigaraki has to justify his actions and become some kind of weird terrorist who believes in his cause with cult like dedication but rather Shigaraki is still letting other people completely define how he is. In order to gain self esteem, and self worth, he has to take the next step in defining himself and what he wants and that means rejecting what other people define him as fully. 

This is something All For One intentionally did, he raised Shigaraki to exist to hate All Might and carry on All for One’s Legacy. Of course All for One would influence him not to develop any desires of his own besides existing to do what All for One intends of him. And the number one way to stop that is to stunt Shigaraki to the point that he cannot define himself, and his own wants and needs as an individual. 

But, Shigaraki in his interactions of the league has obviously developed into his own person with his own way of doing things outside of All for One’s intentions for him, my argument is not that Shigaraki is entirely manipulated by All for One and has no free will but rather that Shigaraki perceives himself as only existing that way and needs to change his perception to truly reach the next step in his development as an individual.

Okay, and one last note to the people pointing out that Shigaraki is laughing in response to this situation and therefore some part of him must be genuinely enjoying this. 

People don’t seem to understand trauma response unless it’s presented in the most conventional way possible, ie someone crying and begging for help. Sometimes people laugh when they’re going insane rather than cry, it’s just a different way of coping. 

2. Eri 

We were also shown how children see and justify their own abuse with Eri, who is around the exact same age as Shigaraki. People might argue that Eri’s abuse was more extreme, but one it’s not a compettition, and two Shigaraki was kidnapped by All for One afterwards and grew up in a mad scientist’s basement. To cap this off let me show you that Eri had the exact same limited perception of reality that Tenko did. 

If somebody else tried to save her, and Chisaki killed them Eri automatically understood that it was her fault that Chisaki killed them. Because she cannot perceive Chisaki as an individual who intends harm towards her, she only understands her own perception of reality and her own ego. 

Eri genuinely believes what Chisaki tells her, because children base their entire reality out of what they perceive around them. She has no kind of logic that can question it, and until somebody else tells her otherwise she accepts what Chisaki says is true. That she’s to blame, that she’s the one forcing him to act this way. 

Tenko and Eri are both raised in environments where they are never made safe or protected. Tenko’s father literally tries to murder him when Tenko is begging for his help. Chisaki aims for her on purpose and says he can just rebuild her. They view themselves as expendable, because that is how they were treated and in general exhibit low self regard. 

So we show them exhibit the same symptoms. The both of them not wanting to be saved. The both of them taking personal blame for the harm that others cause around them. 

As Chisaki said, it is easier to take the pain on yourself, then to accept the idea that bad things just sometimes happen, because people are bad, or sometimes for no reason at all as freak accidents. It’s actually way easier for Eri to genuinely believe that she is cursed because she takes agency in that, then to realize all the adults in her life have failed her because then she is reduced to a crying child. Children who are victims of abuse use narrative as a way of grasping at agency in any way they can. 

And, Eri genuinely cannot perceive anything than the reality that she knows until other people come into her life and show her another way. She genuinely believes the same way Tenko did that on some level to have developed such a quirk she must have wanted it. 

She doesn’t believe that it’s a kindhearted quirk until someone tells her it. 

People want to intentionally misunderstand this because Tenko does not present himself as a traditional victim. He’s not a crying girl begging for help, and telling others not to get hurt for her sake the same way Eri was, even though Eri displays the exact same unhealthy ways of thinking that Tenko did. 

So Tenko’s narrations cannot be taken as objective, because they are just not. Tenko uses narrative the same way other characters do, he just uses the opposite narrative of others he chooses to see himself as villain in his own fate rather than victim.

[transthaumaturge]

On Lumberjanes and a Missing Childhood

Recently, I picked up a few volumes of the absolutely amazing comic series Lumberjanes. Written by a slew of all-star queer/LGBT+ and female writers including She-Ra‘s Noelle Stevenson, it’s a fun and engaging story about girl scouts making their way through summer camp, earning badges and fighting paranormal threats along the way. The characters are wonderful, the stories are comedic and heartfelt, and the series does a wonderful job of addressing what makes each girl in Roanoke cabin both awesome and vulnerable in their own way. If this sounds interesting to you, I highly recommend it if buying it is within your means.

But I’m not writing this post to review the comic, although it features pretty centrally in what I’m about to talk about. The thing is, I felt something that I didn’t expect to feel when reading Lumberjanes--I felt melancholy, and I felt nostalgia for experiences I never got to have. This is a long post, so the rest of it will be below the cut. Prepare for discussion about transness, and what my gender identity and when I realized I was me means in the context of childhood.

I came out to myself as a trans woman around a year ago. I realized I wasn’t cis maybe six months before that, and spent most of my time at college grappling with my latent femininity and what it meant that I ached so much to go out in a dress and paint my nails. However, this means that I missed something crucial that trans girls who successfully decipher their gender during childhood are able to access more and more nowadays--I never got to grow up as a girl.

It might be a bit dramatic to say that I didn’t have a childhood, because I did. I was a kid for about as long as many of you were, and I had many of the same experiences--hanging out with friends in the playground, getting really into trading cards for a bit (I still have my Yu-gi-oh elemental heroes deck somewhere), and even going to summer camp a few times.

However, I also grew up as an autistic kid. As part of that, I didn’t really have a lot of self-awareness. I think that this is the biggest reason it took me so long to realize that I’m transgender. When I was a kid, I identified as a boy because that’s what everyone told me I was. I used male pronouns, and my dad taught me how to shave and tie a tie. I had a bar mitzvah, and joined a male Jewish youth group chapter.

But a major realization I’m starting to have is that during that time, I didn’t really have a rich experience of masculinity. I thought I was a boy, but all that meant to me was that I had male parts, I was growing body hair, and people said that that’s what I was. So I believed them without thinking much about it. What’s brought this to my attention is reflecting on how strongly I experience femininity now that I’ve discovered it inside of myself, how giddy my gender euphoria makes me feel literally all the time (I’m sitting at my computer with a cute dress on right now, and I feel like I’m one happy thought away from either laughing or happy-crying), and how this really truly feels like the first time I’ve experienced gender in a genuine way.

That means that ultimately, I went through my childhood as not much of anything. I developed interests just like everybody else, I experienced puberty and the urges that came with it, and I did my homework with a mix of disgust and enjoyment depending on the class. But I did so as a sort of genderless entity, consuming and producing without much awareness of who I really was. I was what I made, and the content that I invested myself in was me. There wasn’t much else outside of that. So was I really a boy after all? I thought that I was, but in retrospect, I don’t think that that was the case.

Let’s bring this back to Lumberjanes. What would my childhood have been like if I had recognized and understood my femininity much earlier? What if I had been able to transition as a teenager? What if I had been able to participate in a girls’ youth group chapter, or sleep in a girls’ cabin as Jewish sleepaway camp? It probably wouldn’t have been exactly like the way that the characters in the comic experience it, because that’s a romanticized version of friendship and female camaraderie that’s meant to make the story more compelling and highlight interesting character dynamics. But maybe...I would have been able to have some of that. I could have had an awkward makeup phase, where I just caked it on with reckless abandon. I could have explored feminine expression at an earlier age, trying on clothing in clashy colors and trying out weird colors of nail polish with friends at an age where that kind of thing is tolerated, or even expected. And yes, maybe I could have even made a friendship bracelet for a friend at A & C as a 13-year-old camper, while she sat across the table and made one for me.

I know that this is a feeling that a lot of queer people experience along the lines of both sexual/romantic orientation and gender identity--either because they didn’t get to express themselves the way that they wanted to when they were younger, or because like me, they just didn’t know. And I know that my specific longing to have grown up as a girl are shared by many trans women around the world. But this is the first time that I realized this about myself, and I wanted to share it just in case someone is feeling the same way and needs to know that they’re not alone.

So catch me at Gencon later this summer, cosplaying as Jo, an amazing trans girl from Lumberjanes! In the meantime, I’ll focus on grabbing the rest of the comics and probably bawling my eyes out over them at some point.

P.S: This wasn’t in any way an attempt to reinforce a binary way of viewing gender. I know that there are people who experience a mix of masculinity and femininity, people who feel neither, and everything in between. To all of the amazing nonbinary people, genderfluid friends, demi pals, agender comrades, and everyone else who doesn’t experience a gender identity that fits snugly into the presumed binary, you’re all doing great and your experiences are valid.

Love, Rachel

[merrybrides]

6 Things Your Groom Should Do During Wedding Planning

Congrats! You're engaged! After the initial excitement wears off, you start to realize that there is a lot of work that needs to be done in order to pull off the perfect wedding day.

Speaking purely from a man's perspective, I can tell you that I was absolutely floored by the number of things that went into planning our wedding. My fiancé had been planning her wedding since she was a teenager and I hadn't even thought about it until I got her engagement ring.

At Manly Bands, stressed out grooms and their future significant others often vent to us about how stressful this process is, so we decided to put together a short list of "MUST DOs" to think about before you say "I DO" on your special day.

1. Sit down and discuss the budget FIRST

Seriously - this seems like a boring and mundane task, but believe me, if you can decide - and stick to - a wedding budget, that will eliminate about 50% off the stress right off the bat. Once you start seeing how fast things will add up, having a budget will keep you on track so that your happiest day doesn't lead to a marriage with massive debt on day one.

2. Decide how many people you want to invite

Look, I'm a dude and I didn't want a million people staring at me during one of the most vulnerable (and sweaty) moments of my life. I also knew that more people = more $$$. Most venues charge by the plate, so be aware of this going into it.

3. Define your wedding style

Where your getting married will immediately impact so many other decisions. Sit down and work with your future spouse to determine what kind of wedding you want. A hot trend right now are rustic outdoor weddings. These can be less expensive than the penthouse overlooking NYC and you can fit a lot more people (if that's your thing). Check out all options and find something that really fits you as a couple.

4. Choose your groomsmen and plan your bachelor party!

This is on you. Surround yourself with the men that mean the most to you and have had your back since day one. Then talk to your best man and get the bachelor party process started. I don't recommend waiting until the weekend before your wedding as there was just to much to do during wedding week for me. Plan it early and it will be more fun and you can focus on just having bro time with your dudes.

5. Get your wedding band!

Obviously we're biased, but for me this was a real problem. I kept putting it off due to work and didn't get around to choosing my ring until about 2 weeks before our wedding. BIG MISTAKE - DON'T DO THIS. Not only was my future wife absolutely furious I had put it off so long, but when I had trouble finding one and later needed to get it resized, we almost didn't have it in time for the wedding. This is easy guys, get it done early. Pick one out. Get it. TRY IT ON and if it doesn't fit you'll have time to get it exchanged. No reason for this part to be stressful. Did I mention to TRY IT ON...

6. Be Supportive

Look, it's no secret that one of you will take on the brunt of the wedding planning. For me, it was my wife. That definitely doesn't mean it was her responsibility. In retrospect, I wish I had been more involved. I think it would have been a great opportunity to grow even closer to her and I'm sure she would have appreciated the help. My advice is to try to take a few small things off her list as often as you can. Need to get prices from a photographer? Give a few a call. Need to confirm if one of your friends is coming - make it your mission to track them down and find out. Little things like that (and more if she needs help) will go a long way to reducing stress and make the experience much easier in the long run.

Planning a wedding really does get a bad rep, but it doesn't have to be a terrible experience. A little planning, support and understanding can really go a long way to helping calm things down and make it a much more meaningful process.

If you're looking to cross your wedding band off your list, click here to view Manly Bands catalog.  Please use coupon code Merrybrides to receive a 15% discount.

* * Guest blog by Manly Bands

[wordsturnintostories]

we're pack, moonchild.

Masterlist

Seokjin | Yoongi | Hoseok | Namjoon | Jimin | Taehyung | Jungkook

Summary: You know Min Yoongi is a werewolf. He has to be. [a drabble in which you go to the same school with the Bangtan gang and are tiring to figure out if that's what they really are. a gang? or a pack?] Word Count: +1,7k  Note: Yoongi. I love writing Yoongi. Makes me feel focused and introspective. This one has such a long "wolf part". idk why, Yoongi is special somehow. ✨

Gif not mine, credits to the owner.

You know Min Yoongi is a werewolf. He has to be. If he isn’t, this entire concept you’ve created about your school’s society (or more precisely, the Bangtan gang) is for the trashcan. Oh, and the faith in your own ability to judge. It’s not that there’s evidence stacking up against the quiet senior student, not officially at least, because not one teacher complains about him. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. They favor him. Maybe that’s due to the fact that Min Yoongi doesn’t disrupt the class with incessant and unnecessary chatter. To be honest, you don’t think you’ve ever seen Min Yoongi “chat” in a vivid manner. Of course, in the presence of Jimin, but Jimin is an exception, with that magical ability (and laugh) to coax words out of people, but that’s always inside the safe confines of the Bangtan gang.

GBut even if you’re not sure about Kim Namjoon or the other boys within the gang, you’re sure about Min Yoongi. Living in the same neighborhood as you, just a few streets over, there’s been incidents you’ve heard of. Incidents as ominous as the word incident itself. As a child, there have been numerous times you’ve witnessed a growl, a baring of teeth, long canine teeth at that. Back then, it hadn’t mattered, you were a child with enough fantasy to spin some wild story out of this, but looking back you realize things for what they really were. Teenage years had brought new issues not only to you but also to him, as it seemed. People rumored about massacred bunnies and chickens, whispered about a hunter’s mysterious experiences one night in the local woods. Those weren't stories you would tie to the pale, stay-inside type of boy back then. Now, you’ve seen him run (even though it doesn't happen often, and if it does, he's probably going after a cheeky Taehyung), you've even seen him almost break a particularly nasty kid from his grade in half - hadn’t Jimin and Hoseok been there to stop him.

Even in school, the lazy attitude of Min Yoongi just hides the reality of a wolf shimmering underneath that milky skin. Or maybe it’s exactly the laziness that lets the wolf attributes show through. You’re not sure. You’re not even sure if others see it too. However, you spot the animal behind those eyes. In a blink, it tells a story about a burning rage that almost eats the boy up from the inside. In another, it shows you how gratefulness spreads through him as the younger gang members plus Seokjin gather around Yoongi (and as Jimin brazenly plops into his lap with a giggle). And whatever the rest of the school rumors and believes, you know the truth. You've seen the facts. (Additionally, you have witnessed an ab slip and there’s no one on this earth who can tell you 

But despite knowing this truth, your relationship with him happens from a distance. It’s quite different than with Jimin or Taehyung, or even Jungkook. From a distance you observe and from a distance, you draw conclusions. And while your friends babble about this or that, you take notice of how on some days, Yoongi’s head turns towards every sound, just very very slightly, but visibly if you pay a lot of attention. And then he groans, which in turn attracts Jimin’s attention, who puts his small gentle hands on the elder’s face and ears. Obviously, there’s some complaining involved when Yoongi grumbles, but it’s clear that the wolf is irritated by the hectic bustling of the students, by the enormity of the sound landscape inside the cafeteria. To prove your assumption that he must be a werewolf, Yoongi does bare his teeth a little but then his eyes rise, meeting yours and you quickly look away, heart pounding. Your friends don’t notice. You hope Yoongi doesn’t know what you’re doing.

Even though the Bangtan gang is rarely ever doing anything gang-like, you see how Min Yoongi could be genuinely scary. Not to you, not scary at least, because you’ve walked past (and stopped) the young man sitting in front of a white piano in the music rooms during breaks. His hands know chords that make you cry. But out of all the Bangtan boys, the rumors about gang fights and violence kind of fit best with his cool outward attitude. He’s a fighter, no doubt, always ready to defend the young ones under his wings. Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook seem to know it well, and still, annoying the elder is one of the first things that comes to their minds. Considering he wouldn’t mess up a hair on their heads - because he hasn’t - you figure that behind that scowling mask, there must be a sweet person.

There’s only one time you think he might come for you and your stupid nosiness and that’s when you’re standing by the school’s vending machine, watching him under the pretense of waiting for a friend. Since the morning bell, Yoongi has acted strange, not that anyone around you has really noticed. Yoongi has been hanging out with Namjoon instead of Hoseok and gripping Jimin’s hand tightly with a newfound record-worthy clinginess. At one point, Jimin shrieks and pulls away with shock in his eyes. There’s a drop of blood running over his hand that’s visible for a second before they cover it up. Still, you see it. It’s highly suspicious and worth a note in your Bangtan-related research.

Before you can even build theories and collect your previous assumptions to come up with a good explanation, Yoongi is gone. It’s a blink but Yoongi’s gone. And Namjoon and Jimin look more than worried. When your friend grabs her drink and talks to someone next to you, you can’t focus. So, when they leave, you stay. To wait and see what will happen next. What Namjoon and Jimin will do. And boy, does something happen next. It takes a breath to be pressed into the wall behind you, another to realize this is Yoongi with his forehead against yours. It’s all so sudden, such a pee-in-your-pants-moment that you can’t help but gasp, but let your heart pound and pound. Yoongi’s hands just grab your shoulders, and then there’s something he mumbles before leaving. You don’t understand it at first, but it comes back to you in a dream.

“The moon, pup. Next moon.”

It doesn’t make sense at all, just like this encounter that essentially has you be scared more in retrospective than it did in the present. Whatever issue Yoongi had that day, you hope he got it figured out. When you ask Jimin in a note, he draws a valerian flower and says, “Don’t worry about hyung. I hope he didn’t scare you. He's really embarrassed too.”

After that, your eyes meet Yoongi’s a couple of times in hallways and through the fence at the basketball court, but there’s never an indication that he wants to talk to you. He’s occupied with the younger ones and you’re occupied studying them.

As a wolf, Yoongi approaches you directly. He comes after Taehyung leaves and doesn’t waste a second before his snout travels over different parts of your body. Maybe it’s about safety, maybe it’s curiosity, but Yoongi is thorough. When he is done, there’s a second of eye contact, a nod from him, a lick at Namjoon’s muzzle, a lick at your mouth (a promise of protection), and then Yoongi leaves.

His presence is nice, a presence of safety and a thrumming of saved up strength. You learn later that he’s the packs’ primary speed dial contact.

When the pack welcomes you in their midst as the Alpha’s companion, it’s Yoongi who guides you through the process side by side with Jimin. It’s Yoongi who stays by yours as the younger wolves play in the dark. It’s Yoongi who licks Jimin clean after the younger one returns and presses him delicate body into the elders’. It’s Yoongi who ushers the other wolves together, who is granted the first howl to announce the Alpha.

The second Yoongi’s jaws close around your wrist for the pack bite, a blurriness creeps into your vision. The white wolf’s mouth is hot around your arm but all you can focus on are the movements in front of your eyes. You make the mistake of looking straight into Yoongi’s eyes. His intense gaze draws you in completely. It’s like looking into a laundry machine through the glass door. As everything gains momentum, colors, textures, even fabrics melt into each other.

The same kind of storm rages in Yoongi’s eyes. It spits out films worth of images that seem to be memories from Yoongi’s point of view - a heaving scene with puffs of winter breath in front of your eyes, a dead deer bleeding away under your nose, the warm and iron-y smell of blood dancing around you while the animal’s heart slows audibly, then trees that pass, nights of warmth, nights of icy cold darkness, finally other wolves, a pack, a boy - Jungkook - who goes through the first shift with tears of unimaginable pain, a young wolf who runs in freedom for the first time, who pants against Jimin’s flank later. It’s all there, you see it all through Yoongi’s eyes, how the family grows, how he secures the borders.

And then you realize. Yoongi is a beta. The Pack’s protector, the first-rank warrior.

And with the fall of a shooting star, there’s a rising of new wonder inside of you. It comes with the realization that Yoongi was born this way, alone for such a long time, alone with that burning rage you’d seen a couple times. Uncontrollable it had been, but with a pack of seven, the intensity of that loneliness and pain divides into seven parts, leaving behind a tiny burden to carry.

When you finally look up from where you had fallen to your knees as Yoongi's visions overwhelmed you, you find his soft gaze. He's a precious friend, loyal to the end, worthy of keeping. His cheek feels warm next to yours, his tongue like a welcoming kiss on your neck. “I’m looking forward to teaching you everything, pup,” he says.

Thanks for reading! :)

Masterlist | moodboard masterlist

taglist: @xmagicxshopx, @jiminnies-baby, @inappropriatepirate, @dope-boss

Seokjin | Yoongi | Hoseok | Namjoon | Jimin | Taehyung | Jungkook

[juistheseminarian]

Eccentric, part 2 : now I’m here

I was planning to be done with this by now - both with this article and with the illness. I can’t believe that it’s been almost 15 years and I still get people congratulating me for acknowledging that I have an issue and going it’s-the-first-step-to-recovery, which they’ve learned was an appropriate thing to say since you don’t want to stand there and be embarrassed like I do with my boyfriend’s mom when she starts crying (which she does a lot). I’ve stirred things and realized things and I intended this to sound like a sort of retrospective from a place of unadulterated success. But guess what! 

I ended the last bit on my return from anorexia and lasting relationship with a psychologist I described as abusive, although that may be excessive and may come from the resentment of a long therapy seemingly not having “worked”. I started seeing them around age 12, before the eating disorder really declared, and i was referred to them at the end of an endless session of musical chairs through which I met many, many ‘emergency’ professionals whose schedules couldn’t accommodate another patient. I had to tell the whole story every time as if I were filing a police complaint or justifying an ailment that had long thinned beyond recognition, losing more of its meaning every time; I worried often, and I still do, about making myself sound ill enough to be considered, knowing I was taking their time when they could be curing people with actual issues. 

Having been sent to therapy after the school phobia I developed as a 5 or 6-year-old, and then again as a 12-year-old, and on and off ever since, means I’ve barely lived without framing my every breath as something to be treated and fixed, analyzed and made normal, insufficient, dependant, bending the wrong way. I entered this longest bout of therapy as a child and left it a decade later as a child. I believe for the first few years the psychologist was reliable if a little too set in her ways: there was no talk of medication outside of an apparent agreement to exclude it, which comforted my irrational fear of treatment with just as little medical basis as I previously had. However, her patient-based approach helped me feel like this time around it wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t “really” anything, or that’s how I viewed it at first. I don’t mean to dismiss the entirety of what happened there, only, you know, the bits where a refusal to diagnose me lead to a refusal to treat me, which in turn lead to desperation to fit me into the superstitious ramblings of an unstable person who refused to treat herself. Fuck that person. Call it what it is. 

I resented the amount of information she gave me about herself, the description of her previous marriage leading up to ten years of unhappiness she couldn’t get out of, the description of her current partner’s superior attitude, the way her life was a mess and the way I viewed her as honest instead of genuinely intrusive. She’d offer to pay me to iron her clothes, she’d talk to my teenage self about her finances, about her gynecological health, and I listened, and my mother became concerned. By then she had framed my parents as unable to understand me the way she would, she whose child had run away from home and I had to know all about it, apparently. I defended her. 

After the anorexia bit I grew alright for a while. I went to high school, I had a boyfriend, I neglected my own friends in order to make him my first priority at all costs, in short I was playing my role very well. My writing got noticed, as it should be, and I was exempted from english class, as I should be. I was bad at maths, I was good at history, I enjoyed latin class, I had friends I looked cool to because of the whole having had sex thing. Over one year my boyfriend and I had split up and I saw a few boys from my grade, most notably a wreck of a teen who regularly said he could be doing this with any of my friends and prided himself for using me “as an experiment”. When I broke up with him to go have the world’s least satisfactory sex with a friend of his, he called me crying hundreds of times. He had read somewhere that cool people had open relationships so he wanted one: when I took him up on that he said I disgusted him, turned around cause he “couldn’t look at me”, and masturbated in my bed. It was terrific. I was a sheep in shame’s clothing. 

There were the “can we do this without a condom”s and the “I want to see you shove that shower up your vagina to clean out the danger and I’m watching you”s and the “I can’t believe you cheated on me”s (he was kind!) and the “I’m storming out of your birthday party because you and your friends are little bitches”s. I don’t like how this is taking the same turn my life took - revolving around boys and men the second it got the chance, which is something I still haven’t worked out today as I live under the constant scrutiny of my several imaginary sugar daddy-leaning role models, but I’m keeping that topic for next time. This is, of course, she says in a white girl voice, about me. 

During the last year of high school, the boyfriend and I broke up for good because I had fallen in love with a guy we had met at a music festival and had pursued email after email. I felt glorious cracking the shells of emotionally unstable dudes and making them rely on me for subcontracting introspection: now I take “you’re the closest friend I’ve ever had” as a red flag, poisonous edible paper that dissolves in my water tank and kills me. It seems I do know better now, and it seems no woman ever told me that, and I keep being scared of them, and I keep being gay too, that’s my life’s familiar ghost. I’ve never gone far enough to confront the very real fact of loving women: I saw it as a kid when female nudity made me react, when I didn’t feel any sense of belonging with either boys or girls, when I felt like a monster. That desire is different because I don’t let it exist. Funny i’m only mentioning it now. What’s it like to be out to yourself? 

Do you relate to princesses? To female leads? Sometimes I can’t allow myself to replace fictional characters cause how realistic would it be to have the man of the story want to fuck me when my buttcrack isn’t even shaved? Obviously that would never work. Obviously cinderella’s ass is smooth. I never feel polished enough, or good enough an actor, or intelligible enough: expanding like a red giant, I feel like a stomach with needs, and the picture is grotesque - nothing like those Degas ballerinas. Dripping, eating itself, round but not motherly, the hunchback from Ken Russell’s the Devils is too feminine next to me. Suppose i’m fattening from storing all that shame. 

***

These days I resent the other diseased. Everyone hates my uncle cause he’s got it too and he drinks and he takes medication that people view with contempt; he lets himself die but it never seems to work even though he acts like it. Somehow something is still barely holding his limbs attached, miraculously, precariously. And my friend’s mother too, brain locked in a hamster wheel, hanging on to people like smeagol consumed, no longer in touch: filtering words like a beekeeper, only letting the crazy in. She makes me afraid to give birth. Would my children grow with a devolved being, Lovecraft’s blind cave-dweller, who once was human and is now condemned to live? Avoiding it in hallways, fearing it under their bed? 

By the fourth year of the relationship with festival boy my anxiety had become the decisive factor in every single move I made. I could no longer travel, be spontaneous, laugh, orgasm or breathe. The lump in my throat had grown bigger than I was and my face felt numb, I evaporated, I had emergency doctors drive a camera through my nose only for them to confirm I was choking myself this whole time. It really felt strange: like you’d have tried to swallow turkish delight but it piled up in your throat, invisible. The doctor wrote: patient known for anxiety. I thought: great, now when I die for real they’re gonna think i’m crying wolf and also they’re gonna be right. Fortunately enough, I then was relieved from the constant imminence of choking, you’d never guess how. 

I called a therapist my mom had taken me to when i was about 12 and we both liked her a lot - serious and a little intimidating in just the right way, a little soft yet clearly not one to let me bullshit my way out (my mom liked those). I was in the uni hall with some friends when her assistant called me back and scheduled an appointment for me later this same week: it was a huge deal. She remembered me. I suddenly felt safe, suddenly felt myself slip from my own consciousness like the narrator in Janice Galloway’s depression book when she enters a clinic: she’s no longer her own problem, or so she thinks at first, before realizing care never comes in the shape we expected. 

I started treatment almost immediately and was in shock at the realization that I did not need to suffer any more. I wasn’t aware, I didn’t KNOW of the existence of medication that would prevent me from spending hours and hours in inescapable pain, contorting my body between screams and frantic sobs, persuaded I was about to die a solitary death that’d leave me to witness my loved ones moving on in relief. Everything around me felt temporary and fleeting and treacherous. And most of all, each of these occasions were a trial for my failure to live, and I sat accused as my chrysalis life developed before me, never free, never daring, hidden, waiting. Every time, I realized how much I was missing out on. Every time I was too tired to seize the day after recovering and just dozed, scrutinized always, for a respite I knew would be short. My idea of living was a xanax in front of any distracting tv show: suddenly sleep was warm, and I wasn’t dying, and things lifted by the tornado gently fell back into place, and disappeared. 

(river) Oh, I got plenty of help. Therapists and medications and EMDR and - hypnosis and transcendental meditation. Nothing made me feel better (...) I feel everything. There just wasn’t enough positive emotion to balance me out. (payton: so it wasn’t because of me?) (river) no. you were my only relief. (“the politician” (2019) ep.6) 

My trust in festival boy was broken: I felt that if I was ever overcome with the looming fear and froze, he wouldn’t help. I have no idea if it was true: I’m very prone to blaming others for my feeling abandoned, often with no relation to their behaviour. I never could learn his language (i’m sure I can now) and the required travelling to see him became too much, even though we had met through travelling and didn’t feel at home anywhere. This continent of my life was infected and we steeped in sepsis for months and months, resentful, picturing other people when we touched, searching for admiration elsewhere. It’s the worst thing you can do to a bond, demand things from it when it’s dead, as if it was gonna answer. You know it’s been dead for months but when you try and bury it, you can swear you saw it squirm, and then it’s gone, and you took out the doubt. 

In this case I didn’t, Martin did. Martin was an old friend I knew through my first partner, and he came back into my life with an exact timing, like he was taking up an offer I was about to throw at someone else. It was all i wanted, car rides at night, feeling desired, watching him on stage, not being shamed. Comfort and help and reassurance, feeling small next to him, and knowing for certain that he understood: everything he says I take seriously, because there’s no way he doesn’t know, I could never lie, and I don’t want to. Well - I omit a little bit since that’s what it takes for me to grow guilt-free: I’m a fangirl and have never felt the need to stop, I let the obsession continent drift and crash, and perhaps it will become submerged and perhaps it won’t. Point is, I can defend it now, all the pieces I feel,I’m no one’s moodboard. 

I took a step back and realized I had no way of relying on the trope of a positive ending to this,  since there isn’t one. I see no perspective for myself, and I recently understood why antidepressants were considered a risk factor for suicides. It did make me indifferent to things that used to be matters of life and death: school grades, my weight… I care, and I don’t. I gained over 10 kg that sports don’t affect at all: I run all the time, cycle all the time, and it piles up forever, and I don’t recognize myself. I don’t fit in myself anymore. I don’t want to celebrate this thing i haven’t chosen and that I can’t deal with, and when I start thinking about it I end up in a frenzy. I just pretend it’s not there, but I feel so heavy carrying all that me. 

It’s a good time to be lost, if you’re okay with it. I’m not. I’m not free enough to be lost: I’m merely pulling on my leash and choking myself, looking at the shop displays, window shopping for life, shiny presents in a snowy christmas street, the others singing while I watch. I watch, I drift off, they see me lose focus, we’re too tired to get me back. There’s so much to experience and when I look back, so much I’m glad I’ve done before realizing I was doing it, because clearly it would be too late by now. I’m not a recluse by choice: I’m one of the weak ones, the eternal witness, or a loser, depending on how you see it. I like both. I think taking myself as seriously as i do now is both a symptom and a cause of why I’m such a bore: what’s so bad about looking stupid? I do it all the time while trying to not look anything at all. It’s not that deep, if I do say so myself, and as you’d expect, I never do. Ah the clever girl’s burden, say the adults, and together we mock the monster we’ve created and the monster takes it personally. 

So see, that’s where I’m at: no longer can I lazily bask in the excuse of a shitty partner, this time it’s on me, it’s on being sick, it’s on being sick without an excuse. My parents support me. My partner supports me. My friends would support me if i let them anywhere near me. But I take the crazy and I give it an incubator, I show it films with role models of crazy so it can grow and grow and finally make me special, isn’t this what I do? Look at joaquin phoenix and lose weight, I tell it; you’re not very good at the crazy, looking so plump and healthy. At least show your scars: they’re fading, it’s been over a decade, so now what, we’re just gonna look like someone who should get a makeover without the moving story of why they’re neglecting their appearance? What’s funny is, I’m actually a very ambitious person, mediocre is my rock bottom - listen to me when I tell you. There’s no such thing as effortless when effortless is a mountain.

(payton: i’m scared.) (river) don’t be. There’s more honor in defeat than there is in unused potential. (“the politician” (2019), ep.8) 

My therapist recently told me that if I was catholic I’d be in trouble. Duh, right? Jokes aside, she went: then people would see you as a waste because you do nothing with your force. You wouldn’t be allowed to just have that and not live it. I pondered: don’t you think I know that? Is more guilt really the solution? 

I know i want things. I know I love things, and people, and sounds, and places, and smells, and being alive. But do you see the difference between ‘knowing’ you shouldn’t be doing something, and understanding it in your very flesh, by experience, growing from it with the intimate conviction that it’s something you must stay away from? I know those things, and I don’t feel them really. I’m a fast learner, I’m a semi competent person, I can almost seem okay in a group. But I have shackles for lungs and I have concrete for breath. It’s got brutalist charm and warmth almost doesn’t spread. 

So that’s where I am with the dreams I have and the love I feel and the way it won’t come out. I suppose I’m awake but I’m not quite there. Martin feels it first: the pain on his face when I disconnect is breaking my heart. He’s just trying to bring me back. I’m loved. I’m locked away. And once my arms break I’ll dig my way out with my teeth if I need to.

[rustandruin]

Top 5 bisexual characters in anything? 😘😘

LOUISE. I nearly died laughing when I saw this hours ago, and now I’m laughing in delight all over again. What a perfect ask. (I recently made a list of shows with great bi rep for someone else, who didn’t really ask for it but I am that extra.) But I’m always game to celebrate all the wonderful bisexuals who exist in fiction. (BTW, limiting this list to only 5 proved harder than expected, because we’ve had such a wealth of representation in recent years, even if it’s not all perfect, or some characters may not quite use that label for themselves.)

In any case, here are my current faves:

5. Korra (Legend of Korra)

I loved Korra from the moment I met her and her tiny self confidently declared that she was the Avatar. But while I thought it would be nice for her to end up with Asami, because why would the Avatar, a soul that is not constrained by the bounds of gender, be limited in their sexual orientation, I didn’t actually expect it to happen. Because years of TV watching had taught me otherwise. But then something magical happened, and it actually became canon. Korra and Asami did have feelings for each other after all. And now I get to read a graphic novel trilogy where my favourite Avatar works out her sexual identity while I slowly figure out my own. 

4. Ianto Jones (Torchwood) 

Ianto was always my favourite character when I first watched this series when it first premiered all those many years ago, but it’s only upon a recent rewatch that I realised just how sexually fluid that entire cast of characters was. (Not that I’d expect anything less from a show where Jack Harkness is the lead. But still, this is insane for a show that premiered in the early 00′s.) Nevertheless, there’s something about Ianto Jones in particular that made him my firm favourite early on. I think it has something to do, with the reason why I love him so much now: he has a clear emotional journey from when he loses his girlfriend at the beginning of the series, to being attracted to, and later falling for, Jack. There’s something simple and quite nuanced about the way he explains to his sister that it isn’t all men he’s attracted to (or rather, loves), but rather, just Jack. 

3. Henry “Monty” Montague (Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue)

Monty is the teenage personification of a walking bisexual disaster, and I couldn’t love him more. He’s smart, but selfish, sensitive, but quite rude. Not to mention, privileged, entitled, and utterly insensitive to the plight of anyone else but himself. He’s a complete flirt, but also in love with his best friend. All of this combines to a fantastic journey of growth and self-discovery that sees him transcend his previous tendencies and grow to be a better person who is worthy of the boy he loves. Oh, and the most impressive part? He’s the bisexual protagonist of a historical YA novel, written by a bisexual author who took pains to ensure that everything was guided by modern sensibilities even though it is set at a time when attitudes toward the LGBTQIA community were less than friendly. (Also the sequel features Monty’s most likely asexual sister who might be romanced by a lady pirate captain, as she attempts to attend medical school like she so deserves. I don’t know how I’m supposed to just sit around and wait.)  

2. b) John Constantine (Legends of Tomorrow, Hellblazer) 

John is technically my first favourite bisexual character ever, because I loved him before I even knew what that label was, or that I identify as it. Instead, I just read the Hellblazer comics as they followed the adventures of my favourite smart-talking, hard-smoking, trenchcoat-wearing occult detective. (The only thing I love more than a detective is one that uses magic. See also: Harry Dresden, and Skulduggery Pleasant. I have a type.) But then as talk of the TV series came about, I saw somewhere that he was bi and lost my shit a little (In retrospect, it feels silly that it took me as long as I did to figure myself out). Of course, the NBC show did not honour that aspect of his identity, which makes me only gladder that he’s going to be a regular on Legends of Tomorrow next season because Matt Ryan was born to play him. 

2. a) Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn Nine-Nine)

How do I love Rosa Diaz? Let me count the ways. She’s a fantastic friend and amazing co-worker who has her colleagues’ backs even when they’re at their most stubborn and uncooperative. Stephanie Beatriz’s performance over these last five seasons has imbued her with a growing sense of warmth under that tough demeanour that only emphasises how much she’s grown as a character. (And the journey we’ve gotten to see her go on.) But beyond being a hilarious character with many levels who constantly kicks ass and is also the most relatable, she got to have a coming out arc that has been sensitively crafted, after Beatriz herself requested her own real-life orientation be reflected on screen. It’s a perfect example of how a character’s sexual identity can inform and enrichen their relationships without detracting from who they are. And I couldn’t be more grateful for it.

1. Robert Sugden (Emmerdale)

Look, I love Robert, but I never actually expected him to top this list. But then I gave it some more thought watched Aaron’s reunion speech, and I realised that it actually makes sense that he would. He’s a smart, funny, at times self-serving and flawed character who’s been through a lot. But somewhere along the way, he’s managed to grow and go on a journey of self-acceptance and find love and happiness and a family. (In some ways he’s a grown up Monty.) Like many of the characters on this list, he’s also got layers. He’s schemed and lied and cheated his way in and out of trouble several times over, but that’s only made him a more fun character to watch. (At least for me.) This is of course in part to Ryan Hawley’s performances, which has had to sell various facets of Robert’s personality, while retaining all the things it is that we love about him. 

Also, for me personally, as someone who regularly writes fic about this character, and from this character’s point of view, I feel a bit more of a personal connection to him. I’ve used his feelings and in-show experiences as a launching pad for my own writing and as an outlet to explore whatever it is I might be feeling or headcanoning in the moment. It’s helped me grow as a writer and a person, and sometimes what’s what you need your favourite characters to do for you. No matter which stage of your life you may be in. 

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:  Jesper Fahey (Six of Crows/Crooked Kingdom), Loki (Marvel), River Song (Doctor Who), Waverly Earp (Wynonna Earp), Petra Solano (Jane the Virgin), Dutch (Killjoys), Darryl Whitefeather (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend), Margo Hansen (The Magicians), Charity Dingle (Emmerdale), Clara Oswald (Doctor Who), Callie Torres (Grey’s Anatomy), H.G. Wells (Warehouse 13), Bob Belcher (Bob’s Burgers, not confirmed, but would be amazing), Gomez and Morticia Addams (The Addams Family - not confirmed, but come on), Salem Saberhagen (Sabrina the Teenage Witch - again, not confirmed, but come on) 

[pelle-lavellan-a]

Fun Facts:

Pelle does not think he should have received his vallaslin at sixteen. He thinks that he was still arguably not mature enough to have earned it. At the time, he took it as a compliment. As an adult, however, he genuinely thinks that it was too soon?

Sure he seemed well put together and adult-like on the outside. However, he still did not really know who he was yet (or rather was not willing to accept all of who he was), and as a result, made bad decisions, lied often, and got mixed up in things he had no business getting involved with at his age. 

If he were to have become a Keeper back home (if he’d never left home and become Inquisitor), he would have been wary to give a vallaslin to a teenager purely due to his own experience. He recalled feeling a small twinge of arrogance because of it, as well as the pressure of being viewed as an adult causing him to feel obligated to make choices for himself and others that were far bigger than his realm of knowledge. People got hurt because of that. 

in retrospect, he does not believe that he was ready to take on the responsibility being marked one of the people came with, and it was deluded of him to ever think he could by the age of sixteen. 

He still is not entirely sure that he feels like he’s really earned the markings on his face, but he is also quite critical of himself. He tries his best to be deserving of his people’s markings though sometimes he still feels that he’s messing up somehow. 

Being with the Inquisition did help him see and understand that he did still have some growing up to do, as most people his age do. He tries not to fret too much if he looks silly or a bit inexperienced with life, most of his companions are decently older than him after all. It’s better to take their advice for what it is and hope for the best. 

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Getting To Know...

Sarah and the Safe Word.

Atlanta gothic pop/rock and roll band Sarah And The Safe Word have released their new EP, Red Hot & Holy. The lead single (and title track) was released on Sept 21, and offers up an ambitious combination of gothicism, dark pop, and hints of gospel. View the video below.

Sarah And The Safe Word introduce a wide variety of instruments in their twist on modern rock, including those such as violins and double keyboards, morphing together to create a dynamic listening experience. Red Hot & Holy is crucial to the band's continuous growth, offering up a tracklist of songs that are a full-fledged representation of exactly what they can offer as a 7-piece. Sarah And The Safe Word is cinematic, sensual, and simply put, talented.

She Makes Music was lucky enough to do a Q&A with the band discussing the new EP, their influences, advice they have for other queer/non-binary artist’s and more. Read the interview below.

This is the first time SMM has been introduced to Sarah and the Safe World so please tell us a little bit about your background. What brought the seven of you together and make you want to start this project?

Susy: “I got a random message on Fb from Kienan asking me if I wanted to play strings on the first album, Strange Doings In the Night. He got my info from a mutual friend and at first, I was unavailable since I was going to Mexico to see family. When I came back from my trip, I received another message from Kienan asking me if I was still interested and I said ‘yes.’ To me, it is absolutely wild that from the first time I met Kienan, I instantly knew we would be friends. The feeling was mutual when I first met Sarah too. I felt like they were old friends and we grew really close during the recording process. I was then asked to perform with them at the Masquerade, opening for Metro Station. I’ve never had so much fun on stage. I come from a classical background and it was a whole new animal to me, being on a stage that doesn’t force me to sit in a chair facing a music stand. Initially, I declined their offer twice to to join, because I am in school pursuing my music degree and my Mariachi band was constantly gigging. Luckily, I came to my senses and joined. The absolute best decision of my life.”

Sarah: “This band started as a solo project of mine - if you had told me three years ago that we would be a huge seven piece cabaret band, I would have never believed you. In retrospect, it was inevitable. The more we played shows and recorded, we all collectively realized what kind of band we wanted to be and where we wanted to take it. Some of the folks in this band began as just studio musicians on our record, and now they're my best friends. Kismet.”

Maddox: “I had been friends with at least Sarah and Kienan through the music scene in Atlanta for a little while. One day I saw a Facebook post looking for a last minute bass player for the Strange Doings release show. In a little over a week I learned the setlist and joined them at rehearsal and played the show, and I suppose I did well enough to be asked to join the band permanently. And though I didn’t play on it, I joined them in the studio to do gang vocals on several tracks of Strange Doings while they were recording it.”  

Beth: “Kienan had auditioned me for a couple of other projects he was working on, and to be honest I didn’t do so well with those auditions. He and I had done some songwriting together, and he’s such a brilliant writer that I was determined to work with him. When SaTSW needed some piano for Strange Doings in the Night, Kienan reached out to me to see if I could come in to record ‘You’re the Sort of Man I Like’ and it wasn’t long after that Sarah and Kienan asked me to join the band officially. This group has made me a better musician and a better friend, and I am so lucky to be able to play music with some of the best musicians and best friends I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

Who or what has the biggest influence on your gothic/vaudeville rock sound and aesthetic?

Sarah: “I've always had a fascination with the cabaret and burlesque movement of the 1920s/30s. To me, cabaret was the original punk rock. It was about liberation, sexuality, and expression and tried to subvert the cultural ideals of the time. It's exciting for us as a band to reframe those concepts against a modern rock and roll backdrop, especially with a darker aesthetic. Back when I was a weird goth teenager, I always wanted to see a band dive into a sound like this completely. We got impatient and did it ourselves.”

Beth: “Growing up on piano, I’ve always had an affinity for jazz of the 1920’s-1940’s. I still listen to a lot of Etta James, Ella Fitzgerald, Nat King Cole, B.B. King, Nina Simone, etc. They were the rock and roll artists of their time and laid the foundation for a lot of what we hear from the music industry today. I love dipping into that history to create a modern version of that big band/burlesque sound that pays respect to the artists that came before us.”

Maddox: “If you take my Apple Music account half of it is 20’s - 40’s music. Big band, cabaret, and jazz especially. Django Reinhardt, Ella Fitzgerald, and The Ink Spots are my favourites. Being able to add those influences to rock and roll is a huge thing for me. I love history and especially the roots of music we listen to today. Calling back to it in this band is incredibly special.” 

You've just released your latest EP Red Hot and Holy. What's the story behind this record, and what do you hope fans will take away from it?

Sarah: “I want people to have as much fun listening to it as we did creating it. The world is a scary place right now, especially for marginalized people, and I hope that listening to this EP can take them on a little journey away from all of that - even if it's just for a little while.”  

Maddox: “We set out to make a collection of songs that each stood out on their own and ended up making a record out of them. Each one is sort of designed to take listeners out of the real world for a moment. It’s all written to be fun and we had so much fun recording them. We hope listeners feel the same way and enjoy being taken out of the real world for just a few minutes with us.”  

Beth: “Something we have always been vocal about is encouraging people to be themselves and to love themselves, and I think this record is a really great example of us embracing ourselves. It’s weird, it’s silly, and it really shows who we are as a group. I hope our music encourages people to embrace who they really are and to embrace the weird!”

How does Red Hot and Holy differ from your previous releases? How has your sound evolved?

Maddox: “It’s the first Safe Word record fully collaborated and written by all seven of us. So you can definitely pick each individual one of us out on it. Not to mention we found Aaron Pace who took our sound even further by just understanding us and also allowing our ridiculousness to not only have been included but he somehow made that better too.”  

Sarah: “I've been telling people that RHH is the culmination of the seven of us finally realizing our potential as a creative unit. Everyone in the band is featured in some way on each song, and to me this is the strongest we've ever sounded. Working with our producer Aaron Pace was like finding our musical soulmate. He totally understood our band and captured our sound.”

Beth: “The biggest difference between Red Hot and Holy and past releases is that we all collaborated on every song. We took different writing tactics with each song, but each member had an influence on each song in some way. We really pushed ourselves to draw out the best in each of us, and we’re all really proud of how the EP turned out.”

Sarah and the Safe Word are advocates for promoting safety and inclusivity in all listeners, which is something we're also passionate about here at SMM. Please tell us more about why this is so important to you.

Maddox: “As a transgender man in this scary political and social climate, I cling to my friends and bandmates for support. We’re all over the spectrum in this band. We’ve experienced so much individually and as a band. It’s so important to share these stories and experiences and bring them to an audience definitely made up of people like us and perhaps not. We want everyone to feel safe and represented at our shows. As a transgender person afforded the gift of having some sort of platform it would be ridiculous to me to not reach out and give back and let everyone know they’re valued and loved.” 

Sarah: “As a band with several transgender, nonbinary and POC members, we've lived through feeling alienated within the music scene. To me, if you're lucky enough to play music in front of a receptive audience, you have an obligation to make sure they feel safe and accepted in return.”  

Beth: “There are a lot of scary things happening in our country and across the world right now. It’s easy to get caught up in all of it, but the best thing we can do for each other right now is love each other. We’ve all been through our own personal trauma and unfortunately our stories are not unique. We are all stronger and safer when we stand together in love and support.”

What advice do you have for other queer and non-binary artists wanting to get into the music industry?

Maddox: “Play music. Just get out there and play.”  

Sarah: “Live unapologetically. Don't let the music scene relegate you to a basement just because you're a queer musician. If there isn't a lane for you, make one. If the scene doesn't acknowledge your talent, make it so it's undeniable. Be kind to people who support you and lift up the kids coming up behind you. Don’t let anyone tell you what to write about - just speak your truth. There isn't a band in history who hasn’t gone through a rough patch or faced adversity. Stick with and believe in your craft through those times and don't give up - that's what makes you stand out. If you wish there was a band out there who did this or that, don't wait for it. Make it.”

Finally, what's next for Sarah and the Safe Word?

Sarah: “ I plan to rule the former United States of America as their Dark Empress and undying God Queen. I accept tributes of blood and gold. Pledge your allegiance to me and you will be spared. Also, it’d be fun to tour the west coast.”

Maddox: “Keep writing songs. Keep touring. Support our Dark Empress. Hopefully get to go overseas or to the west coast soon. The usual.”  

Beth: “We have plans to write, tour, and bring the Dark Empress her asparagus water. I would love to get to Europe and tour, too.”

Red Hot and Holy is available now.

[writingwithinwriting]

Deceased Giraffe Malarky: Stories that can’t be poems.

Cw: Discussion of emotional abuse and descriptions of trauma.

One of the main reasons I get flashbacks, twitches, nightmares, nausea and cold sweats every now and again in fits of terror is because a giraffe in Copenhagen kicked the bucket.

I mean, more or less, that’s how it went down.

Truth be told it is because my first teenage boyfriend was a deeply damaged and unstable person who wronged me, who needed help he wasn’t getting and we both weren’t experienced enough in relationships to know that. But also, y’know, in isolation, the giraffe thing. Which in a vacuum is hilarious. So I hold on to it, I have not forgotten it because it is how I introduce this patched up fracture of my life to people who inquire about the visible crack. I have to find some way to tell them it is mostly safe these days, so I do it with a smile.

Every time I recount the giraffe thing in its hollow, unnecessary entirety, I freeze. Not because I feel the pain of the moment but because I have to come to terms that what I am seeing is from my point of view.

I don’t feel when I have a flashback, the images flow in silence, it is akin to slowly coming to the realisation that the blood you are seeing, the blood that is coming out of you, is yours

A lot of the appeal of poetry is reclamation. You make something tangible and beautiful out of something distant and dispossessed. The moments that affected you no longer hang above your head, you prove they are real. There is an addictive catharsis in explaining your own experience. Like the proverbial Snuffleupagus. Only Big Bird spends a lot more time crying in locked bathrooms and gaslighting his own thoughts even after everyone believes his existence.

And much like a guttingly twisted Sesame Street metaphor, they can be sort of funny. The problem is that there is a deep knee-jittering urge to explain why they are funny. Context is the true coping method writhing out from the open wound. Because in explaining the whole giraffe situation, I get to recount the events in a safe environment and thereby feel better in an impromptu mini-counselling session. On occasion, this is healthy.

There is a difference, however, between working through events and regurgitating them on stage. It becomes less of an exploration of experience and more of a party trick. Usually, as poets, we are happy when we make people cry on stage because it affirms the power of our delivery and skill of wording, but if it becomes about the piano-drop juxtaposition between haha and oh that’s rather sad, it is a trick. Or at least, that’s how I feel when I attempt these subjects.

Which is why I can’t write a poem about dead giraffes. Or the fact I lost my virginity in a bunk bed without a ladder. Or the time my expensive as fuck shoes were smacked inside a rucksack into the pavement over and over in front of everyone on that bus because my ex got cheated on a bus ticket and I later had to fill in the dent on one of them with a red sharpie. These bitter moment sweetened in retrospect should be something I learn to accept not play up for the contrast on stage.

Either I present a void of an anecdote where we all laugh at something that really didn’t happen in such a clear-cut way. Or I get on a stage and recount a painful happening with the moral being… don’t let it happen again? Painful things happen, perhaps? Something something… this is why we need feminism…?

I never arrived at any of those conclusions in the wake of it all, they were likely there before this had all happened. I was a pretty clued in teen, I went to PSHE, I had a talk from my head of house about how you should never be with someone who hurt you. I knew that. My ex was an ardent feminist, he was also damaged and stupid, he never stopped being a feminist.

Everyone has experienced the arrival of a dead giraffe and its unquestioning continual presence, I would only be prolonging the idea that what happened to me was shocking and unusual. Or worse, somehow uniquely shocking and unusual. When sadly, it was not, yet happily we know from this that people grow from these incidents to lead happy productive lives.

I got the opportunity recently to recount a painful event in a funny way to a friend working on a play which involved accounts of sex education and what happens when you have a lack thereof. I haven’t heard the result yet, but the chance I got to let go of the story and let it have a transformation has eased my mind without having to feel guilty for not “spreading the word”. The word guilt here is used in the way that diet and lifestyle blogs use it to imply white bread is a special occasion treat.

I have written and rewritten my bunk bed story, my shoe story and my deceased giraffe malarky, it has always been exhausting. The energy writing saps from you should not be in the breaks it takes to recount them to spread out the anxiety caused by it.

It was not productive to “the cause” and I hate being encouraged to write about them again, despite the intentions of kindness and empowerment from others. I’m glad that I could do something with them that wasn’t at the behest of a person who hardly knew me, prodding me to write about something that, gee, never occurred to me before.

“There’s a great poem in there,” I hear, when in fact my dead giraffe is a decoy. It is a hastily painted road sign in a Roadrunner cartoon to throw Wile E Coyote off into a cliffside. My dead giraffe tale is the short end of a deep dive I take every other day, it is a tool to allow myself to be honest and frank about my history to others, but make room for my mind to skirt around the scar tissue and let it heal. And in that way, it helps people understand, accept and learn, this aftermath doesn’t need to be made tangible.

Where does past abuse belong in poetry? Where does our history belong in our writing? Does it necessarily always belong in the poems we bring to the table? I hope, instead, it could belong in the way we approach and listen to the stories we tell as poets, on and off the stage and the open and accepting atmosphere we must foster.

I think it should begin by accepting that what you hear is not always the whole unprocessed truth. Because that raw truth might be pure bile for the author hacking it up. Because we need to use that truth; sharpen it, blunt it and saw off the end.

Abuse is often held as a weapon by the people doing the storytelling, for them, it has already gone off and now they must carry it and trust you to observe it. So their demonstrations of the weapon might be limited to what is necessary to show, rather than what it is capable of doing. I don’t blame people for re-arranging events, endings, subplots, or characters that were never there. That is poetry, that is storytelling.

It should go without saying that I am not encouraging people to lie about their pasts or make things up, but for people to be honest about what can and will happen in our communities, we need to allow them the freedom to do that in the first place. There needs to be breathing room for every facet of truth being shared with an audience.

My ex smelt of WD-40 and this cheap manly shower gel, and he was very cute and tall. His voice was this mellow dusty oak brown which creaked with black. He had this pit in his chest which was perfect for snuggling into and he never minded me falling asleep whenever I liked. He always made sure to touch me gently, he always offered to heave his great fleecey coat over me in the cold, he never lied to me, and was always ready to put everything aside just to look after me to within his ability. I have also forgiven him even if he is a cunt and I hope he is well. This is my truth.

My giraffe story isn’t useful. It is greying and tattered, it is remembered for me in my flashbacks which feel dry and frayed. It has been reheated over and over for six years. It does not belong in poetry, it simply belongs in my head because it happened and that is the raw truth.

Trauma belongs at the back of open mic nights, a regular listener who pays their entrance fee and claps and clicks and compliments your piece when you run into them washing their hands in the toilets in the mid-break. Trauma should be allowed to be silent, and our voices, as victims and survivors, our own.