#it's only on days off when i'm cleaning that i'd be able to listen to the full thing in one sitting

[pouring-rains]

buzzin' (m.s)

cw; rough angst, drug use, drug addiction, yelling

wc: 1.9k

"Fuck-fuck- goddamnit," you say, pacing around frantically your hands going to your hair and pulling out of stress and worry, hurriedly looking through all of your stash spots trying to find any last pills you had left.

Matt was supposed to arrive home soon, and you didn't realize how low you were on your substances, and you knew that the longer you went without the worse your withdrawal would become, and you were unable to hit up your dealer as Matt would be at the house for the rest of the night.

Matt was completely oblivious to your worsening coping habits, unaware of how reliant you were on pills and other substances to make it through the day-- of how desperate you were to feel different, that you were willing to do just about anything, for another bump or another drink.

It wasn't his fault he didn't notice, he's just been busy with work most days, and he was home less and less, only home on some weekends and nights, but you weren't able to talk as much as you used to, matt tired by the end of his long days filming and working so he was always ready to sleep once he was home.

First, it just started as a little fun, you'd been lonely after Matt started coming home less, and you needed something to fill the void even for a little bit, so you took a vicodin, there were some in the bathroom left over from when you'd dislocated your elbow, and you figured that if they were prescribed to you then what was really the harm--and how fucking wrong you were.

That night you sat on your bed for hours staring at the ceiling and feeling like your entire body was buzzing and filled with pleasureful static--your mind the most blank it's had ever been, and ever since-- you'd never stopped chasing it.

Hearing the door creak open, you stop in your tracks looking toward the sound, your beautiful eyes once bright and full now sunken in and empty, and your youthful skin now looking dull and worn.

"hey baby, how was your day," Matt said while setting his things down and heading over to where you were standing silently in the living room and giving you a warm hug, you could feel the tension in your body leak out as his body meets yours, and you hug him back tightly.

"my day was fine, I didn't really do anything much but clean a few things up and watch a couple of shows and movies while you were gone, what about you?" you say trying to keep your voice steady and normal, not wanting to give anything about your condition away.

"well chris was being a dumbass all day he wouldn't stop fucking burping and acting like a fucking idiot, and nick..." is as much as you register before you get lost in your thoughts unintentionally blocking his voice out, your mind going to how you were going to survive the night without anything to pick you up.

"...are you still listening?" Matt asks waving his hand in front of your eyes to pull you from your trance, "shit, sorry Matt, I'm just kind of tired, didn't mean to ignore you," you say apologetically as you wince at your obvious disengagement in what he's saying.

"oh, that's fine, do you wanna head to bed? I'm kinda beat too," he says with a chuckle. "yeah actually, I'd love that I just feel like I can't stay awake right now," you reply trying to sound tired, voicing out a fake yawn in hopes that he believes you.

"yeah, lemme grab my shit real quick, and then ill head up to the bedroom," he tells you before heading over to the bag he'd set down previously, you turn around to start up the stairs knowing he'd be up soon before going into the bedroom.

You quickly shut off the lights to try and prevent him from getting a closer look at you, the withdrawal starting to set in even further, your frame beginning to shiver. your stomach starts to twist into painful knots as you try to coax yourself into sleep to make them go away when you hear the door open and a shuffle before you feel the bed dip down across from you when matt gets into bed next to you.

"goodnight babe," he says gently while covering himself with the blanket and resting his head on his pillow, "yeah, g'night matty," you say softly, controlling your voice's shakiness to the best of your ability.

Soon enough he fell asleep, but as much as you tried, you were unable to-- every crevice of your dependent brain stuck on the thought of drugs, desperate for any little bit to take this feeling away the horrible pain of your body and mind working against you willing to corrupt every nerve ending with immense pain until you filled your body with drugs to soothe the pain of it all--mental and physical.

After a while the pain got unbearable, and you caved. picking up your phone you shot your dealer a quick text before getting up out of bed very slowly trying to make the least amount of noise possible, intent on not waking up Matt.

After making it out of the bed with minimal noise, you shuffle over to the door opening it slowly, it creaks slightly but not enough to rouse Matt from his sleep.

You close the door carefully before walking downstairs, grabbing your purse, and pulling out some cash. Stepping outside you wait impatiently for your dealer to get there, your skin getting goosebumps from the cold weather as your stomach knots in pain.

Finally, after a few minutes of waiting, headlights beam onto you as his car pulls up. hurriedly you pull out your cash while he rolls his window down.

"here's your usual," he says, pulling out a little baggy with an assortment of colored pills roughly 10 or so inside. "thanks," you mumble giving him the cash before snatching the bag from his hand and scurrying back inside, shutting the door behind you softly.

"thank fuck," you mumble to yourself walking over to the counter and snatching two baby blue pills out of the baggy and putting them on the countertop before grabbing a salt shaker left on the counter and smashing the pills with the flat edge. grabbing your wallet you pull out your worn debit card using it to line up the ground pills before grabbing a bill out of your wallet, rolling it into a straw-like shape, and snorting the powder.

"what the fuck are you doing?" snapping your head up you look towards the stairs, seeing Matt standing there looking angry, his mouth curled into a frown and his hair mussed with sleep. Your face pales as you realize what he just saw, and what this means for you–fuck.

Tears start to brim at your waterline as you begin to panic, “nothing matt, just- just go back to bed,” you say your voice quivering with worry as you try to stand in front of the blatant evidence of what you were doing–even though he already saw everything.

“no, I know what the fuck I just saw, what the fuck are you doing!?” he expresses, starting to make his way down the rest of the stairs before you know it he’s standing right in front of you staring over your shoulder at the drugs littered across the table.

Taking a shallow inhale you move away from him going over to the kitchen sink and splashing your burning face with cool water and looking at matt’s still form, his eyes still transfixed on the pills on the table, just as you're about to open your mouth he turns suddenly anger beaming from his face and his body shaking.

“why the fuck are you doing this shit, what the fuck is wrong with you?” he says angrily, running his hand through his knotty hair almost as if he was searching through his head for an answer as to why you were doing these such things, knowing perfectly how horrible and addicting they were.

“because I don't know what the fuck else to do matt, why the fuck do you think!” you shout clenching your fists into balls and digging your nails into your palm trying to alleviate this stress in some way. 

“well, I'm certainly not fucking sure why you started this shit in the first place, why the fuck would you do this? you know how I fucking feel about drugs especially shit like this!” pushing back his hair once again he looks up at you, his anger losing momentum as he fully takes in your broken-down appearance, seeing for the first time how truly beat down you look.

“because I can’t fucking do this anymore matt, I fucking hate living like this, I hate my life, and your never fucking home I don't know what I'm supposed to fucking do anymore!” your voice breaking in the middle of your sentences as more and more tears start to roll down your cheeks.

“I-i- don't know how to stop anymore, it just got out of hand so fast and now I can't get through a day without them matt, I don't know what to do,” you say defeatedly, done with lashing out and leaving only exhaustion in place of your previous anger. For a second there was only pure silence after you finished speaking, assuming Matt was either going to leave or was now just ignoring you, until you felt his presence beside you, his warm body wrapping around your clammy figure.

“I- don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry I didn't know everything was getting this bad baby–why didn’t you talk to me? why did you have to turn to this?” he says, pulling you closer while you conceal yourself within his body trying to sink into him in an attempt to disappear so you wouldn't have to deal with all of it anymore–so you wouldn’t have to answer him, tell him how you made a bad mistake and it had snowballed into this big problem you weren’t sure you could ever fix.

“I- don’t know matt, it was just so fucking overwhelming I didn’t know what to do, I’m so so sorry matt,” your tears starting to leak into his hoodie as he tucks you impossibly closer against him trying his best to shield you from all of the hurt and pain you’re being put through mentally.

While his own heart was breaking into pieces for all the pain you were going through, and all the time he didn’t notice and let you dig yourself deeper into this hole of drug abuse, he was doing his best to help you and make sure you knew he was there for you now. “shh- it’s gonna be okay, we can do this together m’gonna help you get better baby, you’re not gonna feel alone anymore okay? I’m so sorry I haven't been around as much and that it got this bad without me noticing, I'm here now I promise, and I'm here to stay, okay?”

“okay matt,” you sigh, hiccuping into his chest, though it was going to be painful, and absolutely fucking horrible–at least now you had someone there, someone to support you and help you through it, and make sure you were happy, and felt loved–and sometimes that makes all the difference.

taglist : @chaossturns @freshlove-sturn @colorthecosmos444 @anxietyriddenblue @immattsslut @muchloveforhacker @pinksturniolo @mattshighway @sabsturned @fratbrochrisgf @star-neo-love @imwetforyourmom @blahbel668

[danieyells]

Can I see Romeo's voicelines please? He's such a failguy, I need to knowwww

How dare you call him a failguy!

he is THE failguy. don't make him sound offbrand.

i love Romeo he is honestly so ridiculous like. . .you meet Romeo in the first chapter and you do NOT realize he's going to be like. . .that. . .in the Sinostra chapter. . . .

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"Hey! I'm talking to you, BB! If you've got time to wander around, you've got time to wipe the tables!"

i thoguht the pc was supposed to be doing uh background work for you at the casino. why is she cleaning tables!? go ask her to run drugs for you or something.

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"Excuse me? What sane person lets their messages pile up like this!? Deal with them or I'll deal with you!"

'clean up your inbox or they will have to clean you and put you in a box'

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"Fuji... Come out, come out, wherever you are... Tch, where did he go? Why is running away the only thing he's good at!?"

"Listen up—call me Fico. That's the only name I'll respond to, understand!?"

disregard the 'Lulu' from Taiga, 'Romi-sama'/'Ro-Ro' from Leo, 'RomiRomi' from Rui. . .'Fico' is for underlings, and you are an underling!

"Come to my private office later—I've got a little proposal I think you'll want to hear.  But make sure you come alone."

"Just go! I cannot deal with this WTWUT! Wall-To-Wall Useless Trash, obviously!"

that was a long acronym!

"Time to count this month's protection fees... Not bad. I'll up this group by 2% next month. This one could go a little higher too..."

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"Why does that DOF want to meet so early in the morning? If I get bags under my eyes because of this, I'm going to slit his throat."

we never learned what "DOF" stood for did we. we do know it's Hyde now, though!

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Hello? Yes, I was just eating lunch. Again?  ...Fine. Tonight? All right. Bye now."

booty call from hyde? in the middle of the day? shameless

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Have you seen Shinjo anywhere? I just asked him to organize some documents and he ran off to make copies!"

Ritsu has a line referencing this one!

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Mickey's bar? Yes, I am going again tonight, but it's only because there's nowhere else to go for a drink."

isn't there a bar in the casino. . .i guess he doesn't wanna spend time on the casino floor. also "Mickey" is Rui Mizuki, if you weren't able to figure that out haha

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"This is when the regulars usually come, so I have to sweeten the pot. I saw that HNTW out there earlier too."

i hate you and your acronyms LMAOOOO I THINK THIS IS REFERRING TO KAITO??? MAYBE??? he's the only character besides Taiga who frequents the casino that we're aware of!

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"How dare those Frostheim slugs start whispering the moment they see my face... One day they'll be groveling at my feet..."

oof. . .the frostheimers are gossiping about the collapse of his family. . .yeah i'd be mad too there bud. i'd like to think he wanted to transfer to Frostheim once he became a second year and he ended up not doing it because Frostheim was just so toxic.

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"...Looks like I'm due for a tune up soon. Keeping my posture beautiful isn't easy, no matter how much I train my core."

i assume he sees like a chiropractor or a physical therapist or something. gets his atlas adjusted. maybe don't lean over your EITS laptops lol

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"You're smelling the bedtime fragrance I bought from Kurossa earlier. He has a good eye, so I often ask him to pick things out for me."

'Kurossa' is Leo Kurosagi and his lines also reference this! I'm glad they get along so well haha I think they mesh pretty great. also the fact that Romeo gives little nicknames to people is cute. . . .

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"You want to see my Insta? I suppose that's fine, but do you even know anything about brands?"

brand ambassador romeo. . .god he probably does all sorts of dumb beauty shit on his instagram. do you think he participates in those health pyramid schemes? probably not, right, he's fairly legitimate in his business practices. . .sort of, sometimes, kind of, as long as you don't owe him money. . . .

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Fuji's pendant? Of course I haven't given up on it. He has no idea of the value of what's hanging around his neck."

neither do we! please inform us!! but on the upside that means that Romeo knows what it is, to some degree. I assume it's some rare, powerful artifact. Kaito at least knows it's important.

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"I have to drink a cup of room-temperature water, do an electric facial and a mask, apply body cream, do my neck routine... I have no free time in the morning."

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Hey! There's a hair on the ground over here! And there's dust over here! Can't you even clean something properly without me holding your hand!?"

this is directed at his underlings, not the pc(or not the pc by themself.) I also appreciate that the Japanese specifies this is one single hair he's pointing out. Somebody get this man a roomba.

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I maintain my bullets myself. You really think I'd let another man handle my crown jewels?"

handle your WHAT-- i mean anyone could've guessed you and taiga don't have a very active sex life

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"What is going on with your skin!? Do you even have a proper routine in place? Unacceptable. Your overnight skin cell turnover is suboptimal and it shows."

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"That BTH...! I was almost impressed to see him out so early until I realized he's been playing all night!!"

taiga pulling an all-nighter at his own goddamn casino lmao. . . .

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"What do you mean you don't need any more noni juice? I went out of my way to prepare it for you. Come on now, drink it."

he personally made it for you! now drink the bitter nasty health juice. don't make him feed it to you. (The fact that he made you a health dink--went out of his way to make it for you--shows that he's really starting to like you and now he's treating you like a pet.)

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Finally, some goods worth talking about. I have to ring that DOF and arrange the next event..."

so Hyde is an active participant in these auctions huh. . .are the secret missions he gives Romeo based on selling and distributing artifacts and anomalies in secret. . .?

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Money, hard work, and patience... That's the cost of true beauty. Don't think it's something you can easily imitate."

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"How about a smoke before bed? I'm joking. If I wasn't selling it, I wouldn't be touching this unhealthy garbage."

quick someone shoop the "quieres" meme with romeo HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY TELL YOU WHAT HE'S HANDLING. . .considering his line of work it could be anything but regular cigarettes or cigars. Is it weed? is it crack?? is it meth???? i find that romeo is essentially the campus dealer hilarious.

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"What? I'm on my way to the gym for a workout. ...You can join me if you're interested."

you know damn well he probably hates getting sweaty. but he's gotta keep up with his health and all so a little workout's not off the table. also you know he's wearing some fuckin. gucci leggings or some shit.

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Why are you carrying that!? What if you drop it and it breaks? I'll get one of our young guys to do it, so put it down already!"

aw he's worried about--oh no he's just worrying about you dropping his stuff.

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I won't let anyone destroy what I've built— not even my OAOF."

GOD I HOPE THEY EXPLAIN THESE ACRONYMS SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE. I assume the first word is "Own". . .the last word could be "Family" or "Followers"/"Faction" or "Feelings". . . .

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Most of humanity's problems can be solved with money. If you put that another way, without money, you don't stand a chance. That's the way the world works."

again, Taiga compared Ritsu's family to Romeo's before The Incident. Romeo lost everything he had at one point. He's afraid of ending up with nothing again. That's all. Even with the Casino, he doesn't want to lose it because it'd be losing everything he has again. Having no money means going back to 0.

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Coming here alone this time of night, haven't you made progress? Come over here, I'll evaluate your efforts."

pc's getting brave enough to go to Sinostra in the middle of the night! probably did some shady job for him too. Also the face he makes while praising you for coming to Sinostra alone late at night is a little. . . .

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"What could you possibly be afraid of? You're one of my people! Walk with your head held high or I'll step on it!"

BBY YOU CAN STEP ON HER HEAD ANYWAY. PLEASE DO IT. 👀 also you have been opted out of being one of Taiga's people I guess. You have chosen your faction. /joke

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"This year's AW collection is out... Tch. Not even a hint of taste in any of it. They'll bear this mark of shame for years."

I KNOW THIS ACRONYM! He's complaining about Autumn-Winter fashion!!! lbr romeo men's fashion is kinda boring anyway. I wonder if his family owned a fashion brand. . . .

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I don't mind the springtime in Japan. The mild weather is a bonus, but it's the transient beauty of the cherry blossoms I truly appreciate."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"The new prototype is a tear bomb? A lot of anomalies don't even have eyes, is this really going to be useful?"

i mean it might be useful for the ones that have eyes. . .or for hunting down Kaito.

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Shut up! It's nearly time to settle the books so I'm completely run off my feet! I don't have time to deal with you, understand!?"

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"Summer is all about aquamarine... If you believe that, you're a follower. A trendsetter would know to go against the grain with a heavier jade piece."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Excuse me!? You really think I would stoop to petty theft!? This scarf and hat are UV protection!"

LMAO HE LOOKED SO SHADY THE PC GOT WORRIED

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"This? It's an original hot water blend with salt and lemon I came up with. You shouldn't be cooling your insides just because it's hot outside!"

i mean. i guess it'll technically help you sweat and cool down faster????

(between 8pm and 5am)

"The heat's finally starting to ease off. I want to take a shower, but it's nearly our peak hour..."

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"They gave us nothing but useless bottom feeders this year... I'd like to see who raised this bunch of idiots. They don't even have a grasp of basic etiquette."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I'm going to the training grounds to demonstrate sharpshooting for the first- years. It's a waste of my time, but I'm the most skilled at it."

he just wants everyone to see how good he is lolol

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"The SS collections are out. What? Are you telling me you don't pay attention to Paris Fashion Week?"

(between 8pm and 5am)

"The boss won't stop whining about being hungry. Obviously I'm not going to cook. What are you all standing around for, you damn TGAs!?"

lol Romeo has his underlings feed Taiga as much as Taiga demands food of his own underlings. "please feed your father the boss before he eats one of the chancellor's cats again."

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"You look like a fat slug in those clothes. Keeping warm is important, but couldn't you at least tough it out when you're meeting me!?"

HARSH. how about you get her outfits then!!! lolol he's looking at you all bundled up and doesn't even wanna be seen with you

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Everywhere is so dry, it's unbearable. I want to go back to my room and moisturize..."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"I get aches when it's cold... I'm taking off early tonight to go drink, then I'll warm up with a low bath."

'i'm gonna put alcohol in me which will make me feel warm but actually make me colder, then get in the bath for a while' lol

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Tch... This is the most profitable time of year for us, where the hell is that BTH!?

well you see Taiga hates the cold too so he's probably in a blanket burrito. . . .

His birthday: (November 14th)

"Today is Fico's birthday, so you're dining in style. I'm not going to eat any though, so you can finish it off."

'it's my birthday, so i'm going to treat you! what? me? eat?? no, i'm on a diet!!' i am once again asking the ghouls to EAT PROPER MEALS PLEASE IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY ROMEO HAVE ONE CHEAT DAY. DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE CAKE.

Your birthday:

"It's your birthday? I suppose I can celebrate it for you, but you'd better be aware of how much of my precious time you're using."

he treats you better on his birthday than yours. . . .

New Years: (January 1st)

"Felice anno nuovo! This will be the year I claim Fuji's debt and his pendant!"

oh my god he does speak italian. you hear more tidbits of italian fromTaiga than him. also Kaito's pendant must be super important if that's his new years resolution. this is gonna matter in the long run isn't it.

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"Hmph. I'm not familiar with this packaging. If you're giving me chocolate, you better have selected it with the utmost care!"

'this is not brand name. how dare you.'

White Day: (March 13th)

"Here. They're mimosa cookies, a special order from an upmarket confectionary in Ginza. I can't say whether your peasant tastebuds can appreciate them though."

peasant? who are you, jin? fun fact, Taiga's White Day line references this one!

"What's that expectant look on your face? Lulu was harping on about mimosas or something before. That what you want?"

so Romeo gets the cookies whether or not he plans to give you some i guess lol

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Just you try and fool me—I'll tear those rags off you and throw you in a cage. So? What do you want?"

converting your friends into human trafficking victims is the latest new prank sweeping the internet!

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Do you have face paint in your pores!? Go wash it off before you end up with hyperpigmentation!!"

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Buon Natale! Go get ready—that reindeer's around again. This year I'm going to catch it for sure!!"

he's going to auction off one of santa's reindeer. . . .

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Tch... If you don't have any business for me, I'm leaving! You're wasting my precious time!"

(13 affinity and above)

"My drink is empty. Hey! I'm talking to you! Go bring me a refill!"

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"Well, look what the cat dragged in. Do I have to teach you how to maintain an adult relationship? This is your last chance, got it!?"

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG THE ADHD KICKED IN AND I GOT SUPER DISTRACTED i love Romeo so much he's so. . .silly lmao. he's a very fun character. even though i hate his acronyms. But he's also so worried about his image and his money. . .and as much as he complains I think he worries about Taiga too. And as he comes to like you more he worries about you too. It's just that strictness and maintaining control is how he feels most comfortable and how he expresses his attachments. He trusts you. So he wants you to be able to hold you to a high standard.

[thegreenthepeacetheorange]

On Gale and patriarchy/toxic masculinity

I really want to do a reading and analysis of Gale's character as upholding patriarchal values and expectations of toxic masculinity because this stuck out to me as I listened to the CF audiobook before bed last night. From chapter 1 of CF:

I think of Gale, who is only really alive in the woods, with its fresh air and sunlight and clean, flowing water. I don't know how he stands it. Well ... yes, I do. He stands it because it's the way to feed his mother and two younger brothers and sister. And here I am with buckets of money, far more than enough to feed both our families now, and he won't take a single coin. It's even hard for him to let me bring in meat, although he'd surely have kept my mother and Prim supplied if I'd been killed in the Games. I tell him he's doing me a favor, that it drives me nuts to sit around all day. Even so, I never drop off the game while he's at home. Which is easy since he works twelve hours a day. 

Highlighted the part that really made my ears perk up. There's something to be said about Gale's stubbornness and his pride, which is very similar to Katniss's but he always takes it another step. Whereas Katniss learns to accept others' help, to forge these connections, Gale doesn't. It's giving "I'm the man and this is my job." For someone who wants nothing more than to help keep his family alive, it's weird that he refuses any help.

At first I thought maybe he doesn't want her money because it's from the Capitol and he despises it that much but she says it's hard for him to even have her bring meat in from hunting. Which points to his pride. He wants to be the provider. The one taking care of her. And it leaves Katniss in a kinda tricky place. It's like she's walking on eggshells around him here - purposely not dropping off game at his house when he's there.

Compare that with Peeta (which as a reader, like Katniss, you end up doing when either of these two guys come up) and it's so different. We know Peeta is strong and smart etc. He's not a hunter but he's also still a provider (of bread). And he has his own pride too. But going through the Games, Peeta and Katniss have a balanced push and pull. She helps him, he helps her. She takes care of him, he takes care of her. When he's hurt, he lets Katniss help him. He's not too proud to try and do it himself. Same with Katniss. She lets him take care of her when she needs it. And this is something they learn from the Games, particularly Katniss; how to accept help from others. And we see her development in this over the course of the trilogy.

Gale is interesting in that I really think he is one of the characters in the books who really doesn't grow as such. In my mind, he's rooted in place in many ways. From his ideals, to his thoughts, to his strategies, to his actions, he doesn't really develop much. He has moments - but a lot of those moments are tied to wanting to apologise to or be better for Katniss (and still he comes up short). I'm thinking of the moment where he makes her feel bad for defending her prep team in 13 and then later tries to smooth things over in the canteen by being kind. I believe that's something he did only for Katniss. She's his motivation to be different (but turns out that's not enough still.)

I'll maybe build on this another time but this passage made me think of what he says when he sees Katniss after Prim's death. "Does it matter? You'll always be thinking about it... That was the one thing I had going for me. Taking care of your family." Instead of apologising for helping to create such bombs, instead of asking for forgiveness, instead of crying with her, instead of expressing his sorrow and regret at what's happened, this is all he's able to say. Which is odd to me. To not even try to comfort your supposed closest friend at such a time. To say that's all you had going for you? It's this relationship of transaction. 'I take care of your family and hunt with you so you should end up marring me.' I really don't think that's far from what Gale expected.

I think there's even more to say about Gale as a patriarchal character but I've rambled on enough at this point. But his attitude and perspective throughout the book, while aligned with that of a traumatised young adult in the midst of oppression, also aligns heavily with patriarchal constructs. The way he thinks of war and people and human relationships, the way he thinks of fighting and death, and the way he thinks of doing whatever you have to do to achieve your end, no matter what happens or who gets hurt in pursuit of it. If anyone has any reading on Gale in these areas I'd be so interested in it!

[sturnzyolo]

Shadows

Matt Sturniolo x Reader

Warnings: fluff, swearing, a little eerie scenery, crying, stress, angst, bullying mention, comfort, anxiety, first person pov, and slight obsession (anything else will be added in later parts)

Summary: reader feels a significant connection to a particular classmate of hers, her teacher's favorite student. One day, when on her way home, she hears something.

PART 3

sorry for the break on writing this! the series will end in part 4 most likely 🤍

Y/N POV

I didn't see Matt for the rest of the day after that class, we never did since Calculus was our only shared period. The day seemed normal maybe a bit more boring than usual since a few of my friends weren't at school, but it was finally over.

Everyday after school I would walk from the sidewalk away from school, through a small forest path, and over to my house back on the sidewalk.

The forest was always eerie, but this time was far different. I heard soft cries as I walked through, the sun beaming through the trees. The cries grew closer as I approached.

I noticed the cries were coming from inside the forest, which I never dared to go through since I was always scared from horror stories. I felt terrible if I just left, but what if it was a trap?

I decided to slowly hide behind trees to follow the noise, once I got closer to the sound I squinted to find the reason. On top of a rock was a person

I recognized the clothing, my brain worked to figure out who I had seen with that clothing. til my eyes widened when I realized who

Matt.

I slowly tore my feet from the bushes and walked over slowly, not making much sound so I wouldn't scare him. Once I was right near him, I noticed his face shoved into his hands, his glasses on the ground with a crack through the left lense. His cries were soft, his button up was dirty, his hair was messy. I felt terrible, like my heart had dropped just seeing the image.

"Matt?" I said softly as I dropped my bookbag behind me right near his that had seemed throw and discarded.

His cries seemed to have hitched along with his breath, like he was embarrassed.

"Hey it's okay I'm not going to judge you, what happened?" I said in a shivery voice as I placed a hand to tear his hands off his face gently

"Wait please I don't want you to see me like this." He whined and tightly covered his face

"Come on I saw you earlier, it's okay Matt. I'm here for you" I said soothingly as I sat next to him on the large rock

"I look pathetic y/n" he mumbled with a break of his voice

"Please" I pleaded so I'd be able to try and comfort him

He sighed, his breath sounded shivery and panicked with anxiety as he tore his hands away and looked at the ground shamefully

I gently placed my hand under his chin to lift up his face, my face faltering as I brought his up, just to see his pained look and tearful face

"Matt.." I said in a pained voice as I cleaned off the tears from his face "Please tell me what happened, I can't leave you like this. Is it the same reason you were crying before?" I asked desperately

"Well n-no not fully" he spoke quietly "Uhm earlier it wasn't as bad." he sounded shameful

"What wasnt?" I asked with a head tilt and knitted eyebrows

"People. When you um left the class in calculus everyone looked at me like I was stupid, giving me glares and someone was talking about me and i heard it. they said i should've left instead of you, that nobody wanted me there if I couldn't even answer a simple question even though Mr. Robinson is easy on me." He explained

I nodded giving him my full attention "Don't listen to them, you just got caught by surprise, besides Mr. Robinson always goes for me, I would've been sent down by him today either way. Those kids are idiots don't take their looks to heart, their judgy highschoolers. So how did it get worse?" I swallowed harshly, preparing to hear the worst part

"Uh well, I was just walking in the hall and people kept staring at me, I felt like I couldn't walk or look anywhere without someone's eyes stabbing at me. People kept giggling and talking. Then some guy came up to me at the end of the day, saying to stay away from you, and that I'm pathetic for believing you would l-like me." He said in painful huffs of air

"What? why would they think that?" I said in shock

"Because he saw you walk me back to class after the bathroom thing, and he did that too." He pointed to the glasses on the ground

"How'd he.." I looked down at the broken glasses

"He grabbed them from my face and threw them to the ground before pushing me and leaving it on the ground. I tried to fixed the crack, but it just kept breaking." He looked down at his fingers again, picking up his hand to bite his finger nails

I quickly grabbed his hand to push it down "Hey don't do that alright? I'm here. Look he's pathetic, if anything. You're not pathetic at all. He seems like he was just jealous and everyone else is just stupid and nosy. I'm sorry about your glasses Matt, I can help you get new ones." I said as I slowly put my hand ontop of his

"Its okay, it's not your fault. I'm used to people staring and talking about me, but I don't know." He breathed out shallowly "I just didn't want to seem like an idiot to you."

"To me? Why?" I asked

"Because y/n you're smart, pretty, and really sweet to me for no reason, sometimes you stare and I get scared you're judging me but you're the only person that really talks to me other than my brothers." He explained

"Thank you Matty, but you're smart and equally as sweet. I never judge you I swear, I guess sometimes I just wondered why Mr. Robinson favored you and hated me, that's all. I would never make fun of you, I actually just wanted to get to know you.." My tone was nervous as I admitted my thoughts for the past time of calculus class.

"R-really you did?" His voice sounded shocked like he didn't expect it.

"Yeah, I mean it, I've always found you interesting, sorry if that sounds weird but I liked that you're not like everyone else."

Matt looked at me with puffy red eyes, which broke my heart even more

"Can I hug you?" he asked under his breath as he looked into my eyes

"Yeah of course" I smiled softly and got up. He got up right after me as I wrapped my arms loosely over his shoulders around his neck, he wrapped his arms around my waist respectfully.

"Thank you" he spoke in a whisper as he leaned his head onto my shoulders

"Always" I paused "Matt" I said in a breath as we let go slowly

"What is it?" he asked curiously, his voice becoming a bit louder

"Would you, um, want to hang out, maybe?" I asked shyly, I didn't know if he would reject me or find me crazy since we've barely talked til today

he smiled lightly "I'd like to, yeah" he replied

"Great, how's tomorrow after school, we can go to the beach if you'd like, it's getting warmer out." I offered as I slowly kneeled down and grabbed his glasses

"Mhm, yeah the beach is fine, thank you y/n" he blushed a bit which I noticed as I handed back the pair of glasses

"Maybe after we could get you a new pair" I giggled trying to lighten the mood more

he nodded before we hugged once more "I'll see you tomorrow then, thank you again y/n for everything."

"No worries, I'll always be here for you if you need, even if we aren't that close" I smiled as I walked over to get my bookbag

"Come on we live across the street from eachother, I'll walk home with you" I offered cheerfully

He walked over and put his backpack on, not even questioning that I knew we were neighbors.

"Alright" he said with a smile. I reached up to quickly fix his hair as he laughed while we walked back onto the path together to go home

The walk was enjoyable, he was sweet and we had a genuinely sweet and funny conversation til we split ways, waving and saying goodbye. I was excited for tomorrow, I honestly couldn't wait.

THIS PART WAS KIND OF SHIT BC I TOOK A BREAK AND HONESTLY GOT BORED OF THE SERIES SORRY. I just want to finish it for anyone that enjoys it, part 4 should come out this week if im in the mood for writing. I would make the series have a smut part but I still don't want to write any but maybe in the future I will

if anythings messed up it's bc it kept fucking giving me a hard time with shit and I dont wanna proofread bc honestly I cringed writing ts.

[dsireland86]

Take Me First PT. 2 (Never Know)

(Prequel for Noah in The Things We Could Never Change)

"Lying Is Hard But The Truth Comes Out Anyway" The Grey

A regretful mistake, a car accident, and a baby. God didn't listen to Noah when he begged him to take him first the night of the accident. God had other plans it seemed; plans that brought Noah down to his knees cursing, crying, and praying. In time he began to believe he was nothing but a lost soul trying to find his happiness in the ugly world he lived in, until... she found him and began to return the lost parts of him, piece by piece, he'd thought he'd lost forever.

TAGS: @lma1986, @myownthoughts12, @xslavicprincess, @foliosgirl, @glitterydeputyshepherdwagon, @jilliemiw86, @sthnog, @lookwhatitcost

 “Show me you're better off without me/ Choking on every word you said, we'll see, we'll see / Don't breathe another word about me I'll leave and you can finally rest in peace, we'll see” -NEVER KNOW-

Noah,

By the time you read this, I'll be gone. You have to understand that it's better for both of us this way if I just vanish from your life and wipe your slate, your consciousness completely clean. Once you're finished with this letter, I guarantee you will hate me and loath just the thought of me. My name will become a bitter poison on your tongue and the tongues of those who will no longer be my family because of their loyalty to you. You'll never want to breathe my name, let alone any other words about me, to anyone. I'm warning you now, Noah, what I'm about to tell you is going to ruin you. It's going to break your heart so badly that you're probably going to wish you were dead. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you, but it's the only way. You have to know the truth about what happened during those three days in Montana on that last tour we were on together; you deserve to know because it was the moment that everything changed for us. You're better off without me, and in time, you'll see. In time, you'll be able to rest in peace. 

Noah:

“I didn't want to finish the letter. Knowing she was already gone was enough, and reading it, having it spelled out in front of me would’ve only made things worse. But I chose to finish it anyway but regretted the instant I did. I swear I could feel myself slowly slipping away as her words started to bring out the worst in her that I never knew existed."

I rested my forehead against the back of her shoulder.

“I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you were feeling. Being abandoned is hard, but the lonely place it takes you to is worse.” “You would know, wouldn't you,” I said while playing with her fingers. She leaned back against my chest while sitting between my legs. Turning her head at just the right angle, she glided the tip of her nose softly along my jawline that filled with a deep yearning to be inside her again. “Not the same way you do.” I shivered when her lips left a trail of soft kisses on my skin. “Read me more, please. I want to know everything,” she urged. I sighed, and even though I really didn't want to, I knew sharing this part of my life was important for us. So, I continued.

“Lying in between the memories choking me, and I don't know which way to go, but I'm okay to never know” -NEVER KNOW-

The night you told me the truth about cheating on me, it broke me, but not in the way you might think. I was angry, full of guilt, relief, sorrow, and regret that created a huge mess of emotions I didn’t know how to deal with. Running was my only option. I had to escape the pain of knowing how horribly I'd hurt you and you didn't even know it. Noah, you were brave enough to be honest with me about what you did. You admitted your guilt and how ashamed it made you feel. You truly believed you'd hurt me and watching the way it tore your mind and heart apart left me in agony. I wanted to tell you the truth then, but I just couldn't bring myself to, so I took the coward's way out and ran away. 

I called Jolly and cried to him. He couldn't understand anything I was saying, let alone any idea of what I was talking about, but he did his best to console me anyway. The guilt I felt, knowing what I’d done to his best friend just made everything numb and blur together. The way I was driving I didn’t see the headlights of the other vehicle in my lane. Jolly was still on the phone when I screamed right as the collision happened. That was the last thing I remembered before I woke up in the hospital. So, what is the truth that was too hard for me to tell you even though I was given the chance to say many times? Noah, I hope you're sitting down because what I'm about to say is going to be the death of whatever peace your mind had about me.

Noah:

“Noah?” Her soft voice calling to me made me lower my head and when her hand collided with my cheek, her touch brought me back to reality. The past wasn't real, but she was, and so was the feeling of her naked body against mine. Turning herself around so that her legs were on either side of me and her arms were resting on my shoulders, she leaned in and kissed me, slipping her tongue inside my mouth little by little. She was making me so hard and I knew she could feel me between her legs, pressed tightly against that sweet soft spot of hers I loved so much. I couldn’t control the constant twitching that was happening each time she purposely pushed herself into me either.

"She knew exactly what she was doing to you, and that’s what hurt you the most. I'm sorry she hurt you,” her voice whispered in my ear before she took a little bit of it in her mouth. “Ughh, fuck baby,” I moaned, squeezing her hips tighter and tugging her closer to me. “That’s what happens,” she said, brushing her breast up against me, her perky nipples grazing across my skin, making it scream. “You let people in and they destroy you. But I won’t.” She sat back and looked at me, the look in her eyes nearly making me cum. She had me wound up so tight that I swallowed hard when she pushed herself into me again and her warm, shaky breath washed over my face. “You deserve so much more than you believe you do, Noah.” Slipping her hands beneath the waistband of my box-briefs, I lifted my bottom up and she slid them down my legs, tossing them aside, retaking her spot over me. “I’ll give you the world, if you want it,” she admitted, laying her mouth on mine and taking my lips to hers as if she owned them; she did. “The moon, the fucking stars. Anything you ask, it’s yours. I’m yours. You can have all of me,” she confessed through a shaky, tear filled voice.

I pulled her way to look at her and my heart felt like it had busted through my chest. She had tears streaming down her cheeks, but the prettiest smile on her lips. I sat up and kissed her tears away tasting their saltiness. “I want all of it,” I admitted, brushing some hair out of her face. “I want all of you, but not just what you let the world see. I want all the broken, busted up parts too; the parts that make you, you. I meant it when I said I would fight the battle for you. I would, I still will. If I have you, then you have all of me too.” She started to cry and I pulled her into me as she laid her head on my shoulder. I fucking loved this girl in my arms more than I ever thought possible. More than the girl in the letter, and that scared me.

After a few moments of silence had passed and I was about to continue reading, but the warmth from her hand found my hard cock. Slowly she  ran her hand down my shaft, then back up, the grip she had applying the perfect pressure needed to stimulate what I was dying for on the inside. I laid my head back against the couch, zoning into nothing but the feeling of what her hand was doing. The faster she went the harder her grip became and reminded me of what being inside her felt like; heaven. I found her entrance between her wet folds and quietly slipped a finger inside her warm sex enjoying the way she melted into my touch and sucked in a quick breath, followed by a beautifully moan that filled the room. I felt her wetness coat my fingers, making me feel like I had all the power over her I wanted. The truth was though, she was the one with all the power. “I need to be inside you, now.” I ordered. She didn't hesitate to obey but instead shifted enough so that her pussy was aligned perfectly with my hard length.

“Noah, look at me,” she commanded and I listened. Her eyes were vibrant and full of something indescribable, something that I could never put into words; but I felt it and I knew she did too. “I fucking love you.” It slipped out before I could stop myself and I was scared I crossed a line. But her smile took that feeling away. It was genuine, and made me feel the exact way, if not more, I felt when I first saw her. “I love you too; all of you.” She pushed into me and took all of me into her and I watched her expression change as soon as I filled her. Her tight, wet walls closed in on my throbbing cock now buried deep inside her, searching for that special spot that was going to pull all the pretty cries and moans from her that I loved to hear. I gripped her hips, sighing once she began to move slowly, with her hands placed firmly on my chest. But I wanted more and I knew she did too. “I want you to grind on me, baby, ride me till you're satisfied. Ride me till you cum.”

That seemed to be all she needed. Soon I had her crying and moaning so loudly that she dug her nails deep into my skin, squeezed me tighter with her thighs, and let my name fall from her lips like a sacred prayer. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. She pulled my hands to her small breasts, indicating to me she wanted stimulation and I all too willing obliged her. I took each nipple between my finger and thumb, squeezing them until she cried. Once hard and perky, I dragged my tongue lazily over the soft, delicate skin, circling and lapping every part until taking it in my mouth. Her moans pulled my organism closer and I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. Luckily, I didn't have too. Her hands found the back of my head, holding me in place while she fucked me slow and gently and I got her off by sucking my favorite parts of her. “Noah, baby,” she didn't finish her sentence, but she didn't have to. I looked up, grinning at the face I saw. With eyes closed, she was in perfect ecstasy. “Are you gonna cum for me, Princess.” She didn't say anything, just moaned and nodded. “Cum for me then baby, let it go and give us both what we want.”

Her lips crashed into mine and our tongues danced as she came undone all over me and I quickly followed. It wasn't loud, it wasn't messy; it was just us, falling apart for one another together quietly. It was love making in its purest form and in that moment with her I realized the difference between straight fucking with foreplay and making love and how they were very different. We weren’t each other's first. She had a fucked up ex and I had many experiences that left me feeling used. But what she and I had just shared had so many emotions involved, ones that I didn't even know I could feel anymore. She pulled them out of me somehow and allowed me to willingly feel what I had buried away. They were tangled together, knotted and rooted in the dirt of my past. But, thanks to the beautiful human in my arms, for the first time in my life I felt the difference and wasn't afraid to feel them. She made me feel so fucking alive and I loved it. 

“Speaking in languages we can’t read, no need for you to spell it out for me/ Swallowed up and I’ spit you out, like a drug that just wouldn’t stay down" -NEVER KNOW-

Montana was beautiful, Noah, and the idea of visiting it with you was a dream come true. I'll never forget when you came home and told me that it was on the list of states the band was playing. Your excitement was contagious and the way your eyes sparkled and lit up your entire face will forever haunt me. It was one of the last times we were truly happy together. Those three days haunt me, Noah. They hold the worst, but also the best memories. So here it goes… the whole truth.

The first show day went smoothly; you remember I'm sure. We all went out and had a small celebration in that little country bar where Folio rode the mechanical bull until he bled… like seriously bled. I thought I was going to pass out seeing all the blood from his arm. The day of the second show, however, was utter chaos and hell. Everyone woke up late, the venue wasn't unlocked when we got there, and some of the equipment malfunctioned. You were miserable and because you were miserable, so was everyone else. I tried to help, but now know how worse I actually made it for you. And the moment you yelled at me in front of not just the crew but the guys too, I knew things were going to be different between us. It wasn't that you yelled at me, Noah, it was what you said that was the slap to my face. You accused me of being selfish and too self conceited to understand what you were going through, and you know what? You were right. I was, I am those things. And to prove I was, I decided to get back at you in my own way; the way I regret now more than anything. 

After storming out of the venue and turning my phone off, I found a bar away from the venue, away from every memory of you. I wanted you out of my head, but mostly out of my heart because I was hurting. So, the first guy who sat down next to me and bought me a few rounds was it. He was the one I chose to make my biggest mistake with. He took me back to his hotel room, which ironically was in the same hotel as ours, you were just one floor above me. I was too drunk to worry about anything, not even caring if the receptionist recognized me. 

Noah, I will save you the details of what I did with that man in that hotel room that night. It wasn't at all what I thought it would be, and in the end he left me hurting way more than when I started out. Not just emotionally, but physically too. Thankfully there were no marks on my body, yet, but the bruises would show the following day. I lied and said you did them to me and the look on your face was devastating. I felt like a piece of shit. Maybe I was. No, I know I was. I should burn in hell for what I did to you; what I said to you. You didn't deserve it. But the worst was yet to come when the events of the night you fucked some girl who wasn't me happened and you found out I was pregnant. Nicholas said at first you were too shocked, but when it was time for me to leave the hospital, Matt said it was all you could talk about; how you were going to be a dad and how you had so much faith that the baby would be the thing to tie us back together after your actions ruined us. It wasn't you who ruined us, Noah, it was me, but I couldn't tell you that. Not now. Not with a baby on the way. So, I kept my silence and avoided you as much as I could, using your cheating as the excuse. And I lied to you every day up until… well you know when. 

Losing the baby was never, ever the intention, that, I promise, you can believe. I never wanted any harm to come to my baby. But when I woke up last month at seventeen weeks pregnant in a pool of blood, I knew it was over. The lies could stop, the truth could come out and everything would be okay. Except it wasn't, was it? Losing the baby was too hard for you. It made you do things you regret doing and I regret watching, knowing I had the power to stop it all. I know the feeling of loss is still very raw in your heart. You're wounded and reading this letter, knowing I'm long gone, soon to be nothing but a distant memory you'd do anything to forget, is going to throw salt on that wound, but I think it's time for me to help you put your demons to rest. 

Noah, the baby…. the baby was never yours to begin with. I mean, honestly, think back to the first time we had sex after that fight. Think…. and you'll remember. If you don't let me help. You wore a condom, Noah and you filled it, but I lied to you and told you it broke because I was scared. The night I spitefully killed us in every way possible was the night I conceived another man's child. 

So, you see, none of it was your fault after all. It was mine all along. Did I feel guilt? Yes. Remorse? No. Not until now. Now that I’m walking away from you, I feel every bit of remorse possible, but it’s too late now, isn’t it. The you I knew and loved is gone and so is the girl you knew. And that’s the difference between us, Noah. You felt remorse and it made you so vulnerable. 

I hope the next girl you fall in love with is good to you. I hope she is never afraid of your darkness or the demons who dance in your eyes sometimes. I remember the time when you thought no one could ever love you if you revealed what lurks inside you. You’ve always been different, Noah, you know that and how could anyone understand that? But I hope she understands and is never afraid to follow you into your darkness so that she can learn to love the beast that’s inside. I tried to, but in the end I realized that sometimes, true love comes in the form of a loving demon, or a protective monster, or even a dark angel who sits and waits patiently for you to arrive. You are all those things Noah; and I hated you for it. I’m sorry I hated you, because now I know that you were the only one to ever, truly love me. 

With All My Love, Always, Sarah

Noah:

I woke up, flat on my back, head off the pillow, but the blanket over top of me. As my vision cleared, Sophie was nowhere to be seen. My heart started pounding, thinking maybe she regretted last night; the things we did, the things I said. Was it all too much and she felt pressured or overwhelmed? I started to panic, running my hands over my face, trying to convince myself everything was okay, but it didn't help. I sat up, looking around for my shirt only to remember that I'd used it on Sophie, making me remember the corner I threw it in; it was still there.

I needed to find Sophie and make sure everything was good between us, especially now that she knew the truth about me and Sarah. I needed to know if she was still willing to commit herself to me, to us, with this kind of baggage attached, but first I needed a shower. My stomach suddenly hurt, the anxiety nipping away on the inside and it felt like there was a giant hole in me. I needed to fill that hole. I need my girl.

Chapter 1: The Things We Could Never Change

[d0llylove]

♡ indifferent [1]

♡ pairing: saiki kusuo x f!reader

♡ synopsis: kusuo found himself noticing one of the most boring student in class, [name], finally realising she was the culprit behind his crisis of getting disturbed at random timings.

♡ t/w: slowburn, this will be a series, sfw, little angst? kusuo is lowkey stalking reader but its more like observing, similar to how he likes to watch satou 💀

♡link to pt2: friends? , pt3: furry feline

'what's the reasoning behind humans needing to pee more when it's cold...', it was the mysterious voice again sounding in his head, with another ridiculous topic.

'not again, it's the 10th time this week.'

the pages of the manga created a crinkling sound as kusuo gripped onto it, a vein popping out on his forehead. it was the mysterious voice again. always popping up almost everyday for the past week. the worst thing was that it would be so out of the blue, at random timings.

not only was the voice annoying, it was loud as well. kusuo wanted to use clairvoyance to find out who it was who kept interrupting his time for relaxation. however, the voice sounded rather feminine. and considering the type of things she says, kusuo was able to deduce that it was likely something called "shower thoughts" that humans regularly have.

even though he found the voice rather irritating, he still found the topics discussed amusing. although after listening for awhile, he'd put his germanium ring on.

it was against his personal pride to try to peek on a woman like that so he never tried to watch you. afraid he would end up doing something toritsuka would do, he would rather die than to be lumped in the same category as his purple headed friend acquaintant.

back to the clues kusuo was gathering, he knew she had to live near him. otherwise her voice wouldn't be so loud, and considering that it has only appeared this week, there's a high chance that she just moved in about five days ago.

'maybe it's because our bladders contract, ah yes! in the cold, it contracts so it holds less of our fluids!' it was her voice again, so enthusiastic.

'not an impossible theory, actually plausible. good job stranger.'

there was a moment of silence.

'what is the most reactive metal in the-', her voice was cut off as kusuo put on his beloved germanium ring.

'that's new, solving a chemistry question while in the shower.'

♡

the loud chattering of students surrounded him, kusuo had already gotten used to the noises in his head.

relief washed over his body when the teacher finally stepped into the classroom. it took awhile for everyone to settle down, but as soon as they did the teacher started speaking.

"today we will be discussing about the cleaning duties." she started, eyes narrowing as she glared at certain students before continuing, "I received several complains about a few of you skipping your duty, I'm sure you all know who you are."

'ah yes, the classic "if no one admits it, I'll punish everyone until someone does" how fair.'

"no, I will not be punishing all of you, instead, I'd like to pick someone to ensure that everyone does their duties." the teacher really contradicted saiki's statement, but it was hard to listen to her thoughts when everyone around him was panicking in their heads.

"I'd like to volunteer!" a fiery aura came from a certain someone. and to no one's surprise, it was hairo, everyone's favourite passionate class representative.

"no, I would prefer someone who has no other duties so that they can focus solely on this." hairo seemed quite disappointed but accepted it.

"what about [name]?" she suggested.

'who? are they even in our class?'

"miss, I don't think we have a [name] in our class," yumehara, a girl with short hazelnut hair spoke up.

kusuo could hear everyone's thoughts. it could be confirmed that majority of the class had no idea who this [name] is. or at least the loudest thoughts he could hear were people going "who the hell is that?" or, "I knew our teacher was delusional all along."

"I'm [name]," a feminine voice sounded across the classroom. everyone stopped talking, turning their heads towards the back of the classroom.

"w-what?! when were you there?!"

"I've never seen you in my life!"

"are you sure you're in the right class?"

'good grief, making a big deal out of nothing. I just think that no one knows her.'

saiki's eyes widened, he recognised... her voice, that voice. hold on, maybe he's just hearing things. he has never heard her thoughts before. she's so near him too, there's no way he would miss her thoughts. or rather, that was not the case.

'I thought I called the wrong person for a moment, i didn't even know she was in my class until i checked the name list last night...' the teacher thought to herself in embarrassment.

'you forgot your own student?'

"I was here since year 1," you grumbled, knowing that no one would remember you after this incident anyways.

'it's definitely her. how come I've never noticed her until today..'

kusuo stared at you. his eyes lightening with glee as he realized how normal you were. the type of person he always admires.

'she's so normal. she's just like satou-kun, if not better! she's so boring that she blends in so well, no one noticed but she's always been in over 10 frames.'

flashbacks played in his head as there were in fact several instances where you were seen near by the group. even back to the very beginning, in the first episode where saiki was seen explaining his powers, you were walking right behind him. another instance was when teruhashi first met and noticed saiki, you were right there! looking at displays at a nearby shop for a spilt second before the camera pans to the psychic.

heck, you were even at the same temple during new years with everyone, at one point even standing right beside saiki. it's a miracle that he had never noticed you.

♡

recess came by, everyone was excited to finally have a break from classes.

"hey pal! let's go have ra-"

"saiki! we need to find out the HQ of the dark reunion!"

"hey saiki, do you mind doing 100 sit ups with me?"

'lunch break is always annoying.'

kusuo ignored the three boys surrounding his table.

'because they always come to me.'

saiki got up, pushing his chair back and walking towards the door.

"I'm going to the bathroom," he told the 3 boys telepathically.

upon taking a seat on the toilet (yes the lid is down), saiki immediately used clairvoyance. he was excited to observe you, to learn from you.

there you were! sitting with one, no two people!

'that's good, she actually has friends. right now, her popularity is 49.'

at 49, you aren't popular enough to be noticed but not to the point where you would get bullied.

there was only talking here and there, you were mainly focused on your food, adding onto the conversation every now and then.

'no one knew who I was..' you stared at your food, poking it around with your chopsticks.

your lips were pursed into a thin line, trying to hide the fact that you were quite upset over the incident earlier.

'maybe I should dye my hair to stand out more, then people would forget me less..' you thought as you started contemplating about what colour you'd like.

'no [name], keep your hair colour,' kusuo's eyebrows furrowed. he liked how normal you were, similar to satou. however he didn't like how upset you were.

'good grief, i guess I could help you out.' kusuo let out a soft sigh before leaving the bathroom.

♡

14.00

finally, school has ended.

kusuo was back in the bathroom, observing you as you walked towards your locker.

opening it, you let out a soft audible gasp as an envelope fell out of it. you stared at the paper the laid on the floor, mind barely processing what was before you.

'did someone leave this in the wrong locker?' you thought to yourself in disbelief.

picking it up from the floor, noticing that your name was written on the bottom right corner, indicating that it was infact for you.

you tried not to overthink it, although a small part of you was hopeful that this was a genuine message for you, from someone who actually wants to befriend you perhaps?

you turned your head around, checking if there was anyone around before opening it. pulling out a piece of neatly folded paper. as you unfolded it.

'is this a joke.' you deadpanned. staring at the paper that you held in your hand.

a picture of a dog?

'damn it! I thought once in my life I got a love letter. turns out its just someone trolling me.'

you let out a sigh.

kusuo on the other hand as starting to regret not choosing something else. he knew he was horrible with words, so he thought an image of a cute dog would cheer you up. he didn't mean to add fuel to the fire.

your lips curled into smile, 'still.. it's pretty cute, maybe rika-san left this for me, she's always pretty thoughtful of people around her.' you placed the photograph back into the envelope before putting it safely into your file. you were going to protect this with your life.

[lowkeyrobin]

hey!

idk if you’re still writing but if u are - and have the time - could you maybe write fourth grade or ray seeing the readers sh scars? totally understandable if not :))

ooo yeah sure! ; also I'm still active I promise haha, if I ever had to retire (which will hopefully never happen) I'd probably but a thing in my bio to detail that I'm gone temporarily/permanently ; but yeah, it's all cool, I've written ab sh plenty of times before and I'm fine with writing about it ; decided to do ray on this one cause I've given fg enough attention atm haha ; and thank you for requesting! hope you enjoy!

RAY ; don't hurt yourself again

summary ; he finds your sh scars

warnings ; language, substances, self harm & weapons (razors/scissors iykwim) used (slightly) in detail to cause physical harm

disclaimers ; pre-stevie era

word count ; 1.3k

masterlist

This hot, sunny summer day was no different than any other. Patsy Cline's Walkin' After Midnight rung in your headphones, your cassette player quietly whirring as it plays your mixtape. The summer vibe had finally hit you, inspiring you to get with the theme and listen to some more beachy/summery songs for the season.

Ray always found it funny how you had such a taste for music. He didn't get how certain music was only for certain seasons or only gave you the vibes of a certain time, but he wasn't against it. You were way better at making mixtapes than he was.

Speaking of him, you were on your way to meet him at an abandoned pool you'd found a couple months ago. It was around sunset, the heat wearing down against your back.

Trust, the pool was clean, you made sure of it. But you found it as some hole in the concrete by some unused project apartments, water just sitting stagnant inside. You pick up your pace a bit, wanting to hurry before the sun completely set.

As you arrive, you see Ray, Fuckshit, Fourthgrade, and Ruben, dressed down to their boxers as they fuck around in the water. You wave hello as they welcome you, watching as you strip down into whatever you preferred to wear in the water.

You join them as the moon illuminates the pool, the only other slight source of light being the mostly burned out street lamps.

You end up starting a little water war, with you, Ray, and Fourthgrade against Fuckshit and Ruben. It was mostly just a splash party, with lots of shouting and yelling. Said shouting and yelling earned you a noise complaint, causing police to come deal with you.

"Hey! Hands up, get out of the pool!"

As flashlights are pointed at you all, you quickly scramble out, grab your belongings, and run barefoot down the street to avoid the police. You laugh and yell to one another as you sprint down the road, adrenaline fueling you as you aren't able to feel the rocks in the road wedge into your feet.

You hide in a garden, lit up just enough so you'd be able to put your clothes on properly and be able to tie your shoes. You shove your dry clothes on over your wet ones, attempting to warm up before you begin to freeze due to the cold water soaked in your under clothing.

You notice Ray staring at you a little too long before looking away as you slide your shirt on. You brush it off, maybe thinking he was looking over at one of the other guys, and you happened to be in the way, or maybe he saw a rabbit or a squirrel run through the lawn.

You and Ray separate from Fourthgrade, Fuckshit, and Ruben, as the trio were planning to go to some 24 hour diner to eat dinner before heading home. You and Ray head the opposite way, wanting to go home as sleep slowly creeps up on you both.

Your walk home is mostly silent, warm street lamps lighting your way down the sidewalk. You slowly glide on your board next to Ray, who decides to walk. He shakes his locs out of his face to look up at you.

"Do you hurt yourself?" He asks bluntly, unable to word what he wanted to ask any differently.

"What?" You quickly look at him confused, almost shocked. "No"

"I saw scars on your arms earlier when we were in that garden," He speaks, "Those weren't cat scratches or just rush burns or some dumb shit, those were cuts. It's fine if you don't wanna talk about it, but it's not fine to bottle it up and just hurt yourself. Like, we're here for you, okay?"

You slightly shrug and look away, your foot hitting the pavement as you give yourself a little push. "I don't hurt myself anymore"

"Oh"

You hold back a light smile. "Yeah"

"When did you hurt yourself then?" He asks, almost disappointed in himself that he never caught onto it if it was in the past. "Why?"

You shrug as you give him a blunt explanation. "Long ago. They're just scars for a reason. Life got rough, and I didn't know how else to cope. I was too scared to drink or smoke like you guys, but I was somehow able to hurt myself instead."

He nods. "Sorry"

You nod, "It's cool. I was waiting for it to happen anyways. Just another consequence of my actions, but I've grown and yknow, sappy shit"

He chuckles, "Yeah, yeah."

He pulls a blunt from his pocket, like he'd pulled it from Mary Poppins' bag, considering he just randomly had it and a lighter. He lights it up, puffing it to feel a little calmer about what you'd told him. He was such an extreme empath when it came to shit like this because he knew what the bottom felt like after losing his brother. He understood but didn't know how to help, so he just listened.

The rest of the walk is fairly quiet, the smell of weed filling your noses while the sound of your board rolling on the concrete whirs in your ears.

He waves a slightly awkward goodbye as he walks up to his front porch, knowing you'd stay on the sidewalk until he actually got inside. He grabs at the screen door, pulling on it to realize it was locked. Within the Marry Poppins pockets he had, he surprisingly didn't have his housekey.

He turns back to look at you, giving you a look you knew all to well. You laugh before waving him down to you, offering up your bed for him. He jogs back down the sidewalk to catch up as you'd already drifted away, knowing he'd follow like a lost puppy.

He holds onto your hand as you trail down the neighborhood towards your house, trying to hide the fact that holding your hand was his only comfort that he knew you weren't currently hurting yourself.

You open your front door to let him inside, placing a finger over your mouth to tell him to hush as you walk toward your room. You close the door and hand him some clothes he'd be able to wear to bed, allowing him to go to the bathroom to change while you also change.

You both flop down on your bed, sitting in silence as you stare up at the ceiling covered in glow in the dark stars. A lamp illuminates the room, covering it in a warm blanket.

He turns to look at you. "Do you wanna talk about it at all? Get it off your chest?"

You shrug before answering, "Yeah. I mean, what do you wanna know?"

He shrugs in response. "What'd you use?"

"Scissors, razors, pencil sharpeners. Anything sharp, used a knife once."

"Damn" He mutters. "How often did you do it?"

"About multiple times almost every day" You answer. "I was at the bottom then"

"When was then?" He asks, "A few weeks, months, years ago?"

"Months" You answer carefully. "I'm not anywhere near depressed like that anymore, I swear"

He nods, turning on his side to look at you as you speak. "You know you can reach out for help, right? Like, we aren't gonna yell at you or something, we wanna help you, I promise"

You quickly nod. "Yeah, it's just, when you're that low, you don't think help will actually help. I was worried if I reached out, I'd just be thrown to the side or I'd be yelled at and lose everything I have left."

He nods. "Can you promise me you won't hurt yourself again?"

You smile, appreciating the thought of those words. You hold your pinkie out to him, allowing him to shake his with yours to pinkie promise on it.

"I promise"

[littlesislovesyou]

Well with the type of kinks/fantasies or fucked up shit that can go through our head...You'd be surprised how little patience people have for others because they don't or refuse to understand. A part of me is coping and healing from past experiences while trying to learn how to be comfortable even in things I've never thought of before. That I may or may not be into. Time would tell. But it's not like I plan on hurting anyone with what goes through my mind right? It's quite the opposite. At this point I just want peace and to make you feel good as I do interacting with your. Maybe learn or gain some new kinks along the way and a safe comfortable spot to vent out frustrations both sexual or otherwise more vulnerable and I appreciate you listening and taking time to listen to one while getting off to the other 🖤 it makes me happy.

God you're such an irresistible woman. The type I'd never be able to say no to whether you were my sibling or my prey. I'd stalk and spoil you no matter what and you'd endure any sexual or painful torture under me because you want this just as much as I do. Maybe I will explore all of my fucked up fantasies with you...🖤🖤🖤 We already are in a way, quietly or privately in asks lol but just wait til we dm~ I just hope I'm enough I suppose. For someone as wonderful, beautiful as you that can just be if not similar levels of fucked up as my mind is at times 😭

I'm glad you understand and thank you. Maybe one day I'll have the confidence to change that status.

But being each other's dark secret is just as hot and fun isn't it?

And well I adore making you melt, whether it's your brain through your needy pussy or melting in happiness in your stomach and chest <3 but of course I'll be your owner in this scenario. After cheating on my wife with you and you homewrecking my relationship with her... You're all I have left...and that's exactly why I chased you so far because I knew I wanted you, needed you. Had to have, mark and breed until you were made; MINE!

But that doesn't mean I'll stop you teasing and luring other men into having someone better than their wives... Even if only temporarily now and again. Having a get together at our house, wearing my mask and laying down the ground rules so no one tries to jump the line to get their turn early. Everyone will get a chance. Maybe 2 or three older married men at a time. All getting a turn at using your every available hole and groping your irresistible tit, jerk off the spectators with your hands while groping and bouncing your tits like a good fucking whore for them. Suck every cock you can until your mouth is sore and leaking cum until the night is over and everyone is satisfied. After all that's what they all came for. Whether it was to get away from their annoying nagging wives, getting some young tight pussy since their wife wouldn't put out or simply because they love that you do this to them...tempting them to cheat and they do so without hesitation and the attention and ruthlessly sex drives you crazy above all else...and I'll watch the whole thing. Ensuring no one hurts you in anyway you don't want, breaking any rules or going too far because they'll suffer the consequences and they'll be lucky if they walk out with their balls intact when I'm through...

No one will make you uncomfortable or hurt you in any way you don't want in my presence. None.

I'll keep you safe and happy always and when we're done I'll help you clean up. Shower you from head to toe and kiss you in sore spots while lightly teasing your overstimulated body before helping you into bed and we'll cuddle up and go to sleep. Reaffirming our love and care for each other...but as you finally doze off...I don't think I'd be able to hold back anymore...I'd rape you while you're sleeping, sore and overstimulated by today, going through multiple rounds of sex and sleeping naked against me. Your skin glowing in the moonlight as I lightly kiss your neck at first and rub my bulge against your ass, hardening immediately when I feel you squirm against me but unable to resist when I finally force my cock deep inside of your stretched out cunny~ Eagerly and roughly fucking you with no remorse and keeping your mouth shut with my hands in or around your mouth, covering the screams briefly until I get you to calm down and realize it's me...maybe I'll need to hold your knife to your throat or rape you at gunpoint but so be it...! I need this. I need you. I need to remind you all day, every single day that you're mine no matter how much men you seduce or tempt. You'll always come crawling to me and begging me for more, beg me to fuck your slutty brains out while fingering and stretching out your ass because I'm gonna pound it next after I'm done ravaging your soaking wet cunt. Keep begging me to stop with tears in your eyes and get a slap to the face in return and me roughly pulling your hair as you feel my cock throb uncontrollably in your pussy because you're so cute and irresistible hot in tears and let's be honest with ourselves sweetheart...🤭🔪

You love me this way anyway~ And I'll continue to use you until you pass out again in my arms and continue using your body for my pleasure further still. Whispering how much I love and adore you while taking depraved videos and photos to show you in the morning of me mounting and breeding your pussy sky high to get you soaking wet and needy for me to fuck you again...

No I definitely understand how you feel honestly, I feel the same way, it’s definitely a weird experience to go from not liking something to realizing you might like it more than you originally thought, I’m just glad you feel comfortable enough to wanna explore with me🖤 you seem like a good person honestly🖤 I hope I’m able to help, and you’re able to find your peace💓

Ahh tell me why I’m all blushy from that 🫣💕 stalking me and spoiling me, how romantic<333 heh, I’d absolutely love to explore with you;’) but I agree the asks have been absolutely amazing;’) 🖤 I really appreciate you taking the time to just sit and send them to me🖤🫶 you seriously just have a way with words that drives me wild honestly

Ah take your time though of course<3 I’d love to have a conversation with you in dms someday🖤🫣 just know I enjoy talking to you a lot and that won’t change!<3 and pshshshshh please, I’m really not that great 🥺🫶 I appreciate you saying that but seriously I’m just as human as you<3 I have my own weird little problems, everyone does, so don’t worry about being ‘enough’ for me and I don’t expect anything of anyone🖤 of course take your time like I said, I actually really do enjoy the mystery;’) it only just makes it hotter💕

And aghhhh oh my 🫣💓 are you trying to make me absolutely feral? I would love that, especially knowing you’d be there watching and protecting me💕 makes me wanna rub my thighs together ahh☺️

It would also be hot if you didn’t let them fuck my tight lil cunt, tell them it’s off limits and only for you to use, but the rest of my holes are free reign ☺️💕

Ah you know exactly how to add the right amount of affection and the right amount of absolutely fucked up dirty thoughts💕💕💕💕

Ahhh I bet you’d love it when I get all whiny and crying because you’re being too rough with me 🫣🖤

I just love the idea of you owning me completely like that🖤🖤🖤 I’m just your pretty little fuck doll, you just get to decide everything for me, like you’d own my pretty little pussy 🥺💓 I would absolutely give it to you<333 Agh anymore anytime I see dirty tumblr posts I’d imagine it’s was you~ hehe ;’)

I am absolutely an irresistible woman hm?💕

[thedomesticanthropologist]

Here I am back with some hot takes about what I, personally, would do in the BG3 universe were I yeeted into it and forced to be... the Main Character

First of all, I love the idea of having played the game before getting sucked into the world because it adds a layer of horror that I don't think would even benefit you one bit. Knowing exactly what's going to go down would be DISABLINGLY horrific.

But OK. OK, so let's say I'm there. And I get granted like, main character abilities. Sorcerer makes the most sense cause like, you just HAVE powers. Gucci. We good.

I would gay panic the minute I met Shadowheart. Sorry. End of world what? Half elf with twinkling eyes and a swaying braid just told me to be her leader. Im- hghhh

Laezel I honestly think I could hold my own against. When it comes to fight or flight I am a flightless bird and her particular brand of bullying in the first act I know I could assert myself.

Gale... besties. I married my partner partially because I love info dump. As a kid I watched a movie about robots who rich people had in their homes like a Google or a Alexa but human shaped and you could ask them questions all day and I was like, I want one. Gales that guy. I wanna listen all day. But if he fell in love with me I'd be so mad 😠 no, wizard. Sit down and tell me fun facts. No thirsting.

Because I'm traumatized with a deep desire to feel safe I think I'd gravitate to Wyll a lot for organizing the camp, spending time together, easing fears, etc. He's also really safe to physically be around so I can see myself being quick to instigate hugs and stuff. No getting a crush on me tho, Wyll, no. Down boy.

Karlach probably would intimidate me more than Laezel. Lemme just say, not because she's bad, but because she's a firecracker. Her explosive rage in her personal quest would probably have me hanging back but then when we get back to camp we'd be chill pretty quick

I'd be all over Halsin because he'd make me feel safe, also. I have this thing about safety. He's also so concerned with the shadow curse I wouldn't worry about his crush at all but would very much enjoy his warm presence by the fireside

At the Goblin Party, I guarantee I'd not sleep with Astarion, mostly because HOW he comes on to you would be a big nope for me. Gale with his "pay attention to only me tonight or else I'm not gonna show u a magic trick would have me being like k bye, I'd comfort Wyll and give him space, I'd walk past Karlach and wish her well partying, I'd ignore Laezel and if she told me I smell good sweaty I'd go bathe in the lake.

In fact, sorry, but I am NOT engaging in a big party until after I get a bath at the druid camp. Maybe I saved the tieflings just to be able to make them make me a hot bath. I'm just saying.

I'm walking into that party CLEAN and I'll sit with Shadowheart at the waterfall and I wouldn't be allowed to drink because I'm sober 😭 but I think my entire horny ass party would be very disappointed

Then I'd go and dance like an absolute hoe on a rock to let off steam in the middle of camp, still sober, and pass out by the fire.

[thisnightissparkling089]

Update on my lungs under the cut. People should only have to be subjected to this health update if they want to, mainly because it's a lot😅

I had a second opinion appointment 2 weeks ago in the (what feels like) never ending quest to figure out what the hell is happening with my lungs and if this can be fixed.

My first pulmonologist wanted to do a lung biopsy. Which is a major surgery and a lengthy recovery, not to mention incredibly expensive.

I just heard back from my new dr, and he has finally reviewed the scans and feels the next steps should be a bronchoscopy and a bronchoalveolar lavage.

The bronchoscopy is a procedure where a thin lighted tube is placed down my throat and into my lungs to get a better view of my lungs and what is happening with them.

The lavage procedure releases saline into my lungs, suctions it back out, and that sample is then sent out to be tested.

Both should be able to done in the same procedure, under light anesthesia.

I continue to hope that whatever this is is something that can be reversed or at the very least better controlled.

The main issues I have is that it's hard to properly take a deep breath without pain. Like you just sucked down a slurpee, and your chest feels ice cold. That and the fact that my oxygen levels will drop doing basic things. I could take a bath and between getting out of the tub and getting dressed, my oxygen levels could drop into the 80's, sometimes even into the 70's.

The procedures will be scheduled for sometime in the coming weeks, hopefully early to mid May.

He asked if I had any questions, and the one I do have that no one can seem to give me a straight answer on is if I will die. Because any time I google something, it's like, you have 3-5 years to live, congratulations! 🙄

He of course couldn't give a definitive answer, but did his best to try and reassure me that he doesnt really think death is iminate from this within the next 5 years and he's hopeful we can either fix or better control this. But until we get a full view of the lungs, it's hard to know exactly what's happening.

It occurred to me on Saturday that I've actually been depressed for weeks now and just couldn't see it because it's presenting a lot differently now than it previously has.

Typically when I'm depressed I can't even get out of bed. I can't eat, I sleep all the time, I feel empty, I cry.

This time around it's so different. I feel like I'm overeating, I can get up, go out with friends, work fine. But I'm also struggling to fall asleep and stay asleep and such little tasks such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, washing my hair, etc. Feel so overwhelming I can't even think about them.

I was able to get an appointment this morning with my primary doctor and got back on my medication. I'd previously been off it for 2 years and was doing well, but this whole lung issue has thrown me for a loop, especially since it's lasted as long as it has.

I know there is no shame in seeking help and getting back on my meds. I also know that it doesn't mean I'll have to be on them for the rest of my life.

Right now I'm just taking everything day by day and am so grateful to be surrounded by such supportive people and have a space where I can vent.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading and listening💜

[siriusleee]

i'd imagine i don't fit into your view

a/n: this is really just my attempt at using different prompts as a way to write when I'm bored and they all take place in the same universe find the other drabbles in this series here

This is the last place he expects to see her - some run-down fuckin pub in the middle of Ireland. The place is packed, bodies pressed against each other, beers held high to avoid getting spilled.

She looks different - of course she does it’s been years - but he knows it’s her. Her hair is longer, longer than she used to ever be comfortable with, and she’s dressed differently than he’d ever seen her dressed: in a tight dress with the back open, a trace of ink peeping out at her rib cage.

Beside him Johnny is speaking - something about being ready to get a fucking break from Price and his overbearing training - but Simon can’t pull his attention away from her to give Johnny any attention.

When she moves through the crowd, he moves with her. He hears himself tell Johnny something about grabbing a drink. She slips through the crowd easily, turning to laugh at something someone says to her. His heart is beating so fucking loud in his ears he can’t hear the shitty music playing over the speakers, can’t hear Johnny shouting after him -y’ok Ghost?- he can’t focus on anything other than trying to figure out why she’s here of all places.

He nearly loses her as she slips out the door, a black coat slinging over her shoulders. The sidewalk is nearly empty as she walks- there’s a voice inside his head screaming for him to turn around, to go back to the bar, to forget her. He remembers the way she looked at him the last time he saw her - broken and angry - and knows that no good can come from following her, from seeing where she’s going.

But his feet don’t listen to his brain as he tails her. She never looks back once, never worried that someone might be behind her. She turns left, turning into a dark staircase that goes overtop a set of shops. Simon lingers on the street, eyes scanning, looking for a sign of life on the second story, for something - there. A light comes on in the flat upstairs. He’s not sure how long he stands there, waiting, watching as the light flips off. It must be hours before his feet move, his boots heavy on the wooden staircase that feels as if it’ll turn to a pile of match sticks beneath his feet.

The staircase dead-ends at the door. He thinks about knocking; thinks about what she might say if she opened the door, if she would even recognize him under the mask and layers of Ghost over Simon - layers that she’d never seen before. His hand rests on the door before a horrifying thought strikes him: what if she’s not alone in there?

He doesn’t think before he tries the doorknob; it turns easily beneath his hand, the door swinging open with a quiet snick. His feet are silent on the carpet - the room is lit up with the light filtering through the window. It’s clean, but not tidy - everything is thrown around everywhere. Across the room is an open bedroom door, his feet carry him silently across the room.

A picture on the wall stops him in his tracks. It’s the two of them - taken when he was on leave his first few years in the military. They’d gone to some stupid carnival in town and she’d kissed him for the first time, her mouth sticky with cotton candy - some stranger had taken the photo for them on a film camera she’d carried with her everywhere back then. Simon can’t remember when they took the picture, but they couldn’t have been older than seventeen.

Underneath it another photo of the two of them - Simon in his dress uniform, a fresh-faced soldier on his graduation day from the academy - her beaming beside him, their hands interlaced. She’d been the only person sober enough or who cared enough to show up for him even though it had drained everything in her bank account to be able to afford to come. Simon traces his fingers over the photo, over his face. He can’t remember the last time he took a picture without the mask on.

The sound of stirring from the bedroom pulls him out of his reverie. The sound of bedsheets moving, a stir in the tranquil bubble of her house. The sound rips through Simon - what the fuck is he doing here, in her house and she doesn’t even know it. Shame burns through him, and he backpedals across the living room, slipping out of the front door. Before he leaves, he turns the lock so the door locks as it swings shut behind him.

His ears are roaring with the shame of being a fucking creep - intruding on her personal space without even letting her know he had seen her. He’s rattled on his way back to the hotel, his hands shaking around the cigarettes in his jacket.

[monsteraddict1]

Chapter One

Nineteen

Can't even think of a song to listen to today. It doesn't even seem like a real age. I mean nothing happens at nineteen, unless I wanna travel to Canada and drink. Eighteen you become an adult, twenty you're no longer a teenager and twenty one you can drink...

Legally.

We can ignore the empty bottles of Bulmers that are hidden under my bed from my trip to Ireland last year. I did end up meeting with Darragh and Damien and we had a good time. I invited Jackie but she was going down to Mexico to visit her family. I don't blame her. Much better food and the sun is always out. I went with her once to visit family and I can't wait to go again someday. We spent a lot of last night planning it out. We are just waiting till we get more money and she finishes school for the year.

I'm really not all that depressed. It's kinda more of a guilty feeling. I watched my step mom die but now I don't have to live with her. My life is better but it cost her life.

My aunt Kate said not to dwell on it too much. I know her death affected her as well. I mean it was her sister. Though she was always better at hiding her emotions. Must've been in the CIA training. Or she's always been like that.

I walked downstairs to the living room. Aunt Kate wasn't home but I knew she'd be back tonight. She's been a little stressed recently, like way more than normal. I've been doing my part around the house to try and make things more relaxing.

   I would always ask about her day but she would brush me off. Never in a rude way, I understand she wants to keep me safe and all with her line of work but what would I do? Tell my friends? Probably. But last I checked we weren't terrorists.

  I hope.

  Damien would be one. Though he wouldn't be able to keep that to himself.

  I wiped down the table and began cooking dinner. That's when I heard the keys go into the door.

  "(Y/n), what are you doing?" Aunt Kate asked. She wasn't mad or anything she just looked confused.

  "Making dinner?" I replied in a confused tone.

  "Absolutely not." She stated and put her bag on the couch. "It's your birthday. We'll go out."

  "We don't have to." I told her. "I like cooking." I smiled, spatula in hand.

  She gave a thin smile. (I swear she can't move her mouth more than that.) "Did you do anything today?" She asked after a few seconds.

  "Na, I cleaned up a bit. All my friends work today. We might do something later though."

  "That's all you did today?"

  "I took a nap."

  She rolled her eyes with an amused huff. "You do that everyday."

  "I don't understand how you don't."

  "Coffee." She deadpanned. I laughed a bit.

  "Fair play."

  We talked a bit more as I set the table and served our food. As we sat we spoke about work and other things that were going on in her life. She obviously couldn't tell me everything but I could pick up on what she was putting down.

  I told her how boring my job was and how I wanted to go on vacation again. That I was planning on going to Mexico but I really wasn't too picky. I didn't have time to go on vacation nor the money because I was trying to move out as quickly as possible. She was very understanding in my financial situation.

  "Do you know how to use a gun?" She asked suddenly. I paused mid bite to look at her.

  "A little. My dad took me hunting a bunch as a kid." I swallowed my food. "Why?" I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Well." She stared and put her fork down on her plate. "If you want to travel, You could join me and my friend John. We are going to Amsterdam."

"Isn't that your British friend?"

Aunt Kate rolled her eyes. "Yes. He's my British friend."

I squinted my eyes. "What's the catch?"

"You'd have to enlist." She spoke so calmly.

My eyes went wide. "What?!"

"Only if you want to." She finished her plate.

"I need time to think." I said slowly. "It would be fun to travel, but I don't think I'd be any good actually fighting."

"We leave next week."

———————————————

I spent the rest of the night thinking about it. I had so many more questions.

What would I be doing?

How long would I be gone?

What even was this mission for?

Would I be in danger?

Could I talk to my friends?

What about my job?

Who is gonna be there?

Will they all be British?

  I listed out a bunch of pros and cons with the information I've been given.

  Pros:

•Vacation

•Time off work

•Meeting new people

•New experiences

  Cons:

•I'd technically be working

•Meeting new people

•Only some clue on how to use a gun

•British people (it's a joke I swear)

•I could die? (Still not too sure on what exactly I'm doing)

I weighed out the pros and cons and eventually decided on what I call the "fuck it. We ball." Method. It might be a good experience and if it's not it sure as hell will make for an interesting story.

So the next day I went downstairs and found my aunt Kate at the table. She was on her laptop but I couldn't see her screen.

"Can I ask a few questions? About this trip." I looked at her as she drank from a white ceramic mug.

She put the cup down on a coaster. "I assumed that's why you came down so early."

"If I were to enlist, am I like, stuck serving?"

  „If you'd like, you can leave after this mission."

  After a few more questions I decided that I'd go. I mean, do it for the plot right?

  I went upstairs and started packing.

[glindaupland]

The Phantom of the Opera | Seoul, South Korea | October 8-14th, 2023 [REVIEWS]

Wow it's about time I posted these reviews that I kept lying about (this week! tomorrow! in 10 years!) Better late than never?

In this post I'll drop a few general things about the production, but the performances are analyzed in my reviews linked here. I recommend reading those all in order since I revisit points about actors I've made previously along the way to avoid repeating myself. Also leaving a disclaimer that these performances are from October so there are some changes in what the actors are doing now (with the exception of Jeon Dong-seok since he left in November) Apologies in advance for my wordiness, but this is more of a "release my feelings for my sake and if anyone else likes it that's cool too" kind of thing? Listen - I wrote a lot of notes on my performances there. So just go in knowing this is the more coherent version of my insane looking notes app!

Before I start I want to thank a few lovely friends who helped me out with this trip because it wouldn't have gone as well as it did without them!

Thank you to @lucygold95 for helping me so much with planning over the past months and for giving me the best time in Busan. Thank you @capitanogiorgio for all the shenanigans we went through and the most special time going to the 1500th and meeting Yoon Young-seok. Thank you to @fadinglandtragedy for the fun talks and the good advice before my trip! The best part of things like this is making friends of course! : )

PERFORMANCE REVIEWS:

| October 8, 2023 | October 11, 2023 | October 12, 2023 | | October 13, 2023 (M) | October 13, 2023 (E) | October 14, 2023 |

STAGE & THEATER

This was as close to the original staging as possible. So I was able to take it in one more (or I guess 6 more?) times post-Broadway closing. The Charlotte Theater is a lot smaller than the Majestic so every view was pretty solid in my opinion, even the second to last row. I took a video of my view from 4th row under the chandelier during the exit music on October 11th so you can see! The angel and chandelier are shown halfway through. I'd say 5th row was almost the cut off for the chandelier drop (that was my spot next day) Broadway seats in this area were always too expensive for me so I'm glad I was able to grab these spots for this production

There were photo zones you can take pics at which you've probably seen. One was a large rose wall, the other was the cute statue of their mascot 오유령. People also take forever lining up for the cast boards for photos and yes I was one of those people. Here's a comparison of the cast boards from the second season (pictures I found when reading old reviews on Naver) and the cast boards now (I forgot to take a photo of one on the top floor though)

I found this review where someone took more detailed clean photos than I did if you're curious about the layout and decorations!

MERCH AND GIFTS

The tickets had these designs! If you booked on Yes24, you received a special envelope and a ticket holder with the face of the Phantom performing for that show

I only didn't receive a second Ju-taek because that was booked on another site - Interpark (bottom middle ticket). I also received paper masks with printed autographs every day I went to commemorate the 200th performance of the run/100th for Seoul and the 1500th overall Korean performance. We used them for the curtain call photos on those two dates (with Jeon Dong-seok then Kim Ju-taek). There are multiple versions of the program book and at the time of writing this I have all except the Daegu one. The first Busan program book was pretty bare and only had the teaser pictures - the same was the case for my Les Mis program book in Busan. -There are different photos in each one, so to me it was worth grabbing them all. My third version signed by Kim Ju-taek is currently on display as you can see below! (The writing says "내 노래를 날게 해 주오 - Make my song take flight") Once again thank you to Lucy for this! 🥹❤️

Here's some of my POTO merch (including a spare cupsleeve from the coffee shop next door, I also had a keyring, but I forgot to show it) RIP to the second program book I sacrificed for scans I still have the pages stored/displayed though! I'm not wasteful! I'll have more to post soon after sharing these reviews

TRANSLATION

Let me emphasize this: my Korean abilities are limited, so don't look to me as the expert on this at all. But I'll still share my notes and perspective as an outsider who's studying The lyrics have changed quite a bit since 2001-2. There are still lines kept or songs that are mostly similar. MOTN had a lot of similarity to 2009-11 even with its changes, STYDI was identical to 2009-11, but Angel of Music was pretty different from even the last season, etc etc. The Phantoms all have unique lines sprinkled here and there, mainly in MOTN (this happens sometimes in Korean musicals). You get some things like random single line changes in some parts depending on the actor or different order/wording of the same lines as well. Just tiny diversions from the script. This is the case for the Christines and Raoul to a lesser extent. Additionally, actors are often permitted to do some occasional improvisation/ad libs. Some unique lines are pretty normal parts of their interpretations now, some appear depending on the feeling of the performance, some are one time only events. I'll mention some of the actor-specific ones and such in their actual reviews, but I have been trying to mark down all of the differences like these for example

Of course, some things obviously have to be adjusted to make sense because of cultural / linguistic reasons. So one example would be the "Wrote...written" line in Notes I. Firmin speaks rudely and informally, but quickly tries adding a more respectful ending particle 요 after Raoul and André give him a shocked 'what did you just say?' kind of look. So "대체 뭘 썼다고 하는 건데...요!" is pretty much like "What the hell are you saying I wrote?" André would look so embarrassed by this each time 🫣

퇴근길 / STAGE DOOR

Stage door doesn't really work the same as it does in places like New York, London, etc. Most of the time if an actor comes out it's more like a quick greeting or chat with the fans. Some actors (not in this case) might sign or take photos in designated spots, but it really depends and it's not so common. It's gotten more restricted ever since COVID as well. 퇴근길 -> "way home from work" is literally what this is called. Dong-seok did wave at us a few times happily after the 200th performance, Gun-ha briefly came out to thank fans after the 1500th while Ceci and I waited to meet Young-seok who had agreed to meet us. I did not have the time (or strength) for the Seung-woo mob, but he usually greets fans after shows.

I literally asked Yoon Young-seok directly on Instagram if Ceci and I could meet him and give him gifts because I figured it didn't hurt to try! When he agreed, my anxiety was not necessarily about meeting an actor, but more about my ability to express my thoughts in another language. But he was truly the sweetest guy and incredibly patient. I think he got that I understood everything he said, but that replying was a whole other challenge. I'm glad I was making enough sense that he was able to get my points and helped me finish sentences if I looked stressed about it 😂 I basically told him I had been planning this trip since the cast announcement because it was too perfect to miss and that I came for 6 shows. I really like to listen to his Phantom on the cast recordings and I thought he made the shows I had seen so far so much fun.

We both said where we were from (the US and France) and he was amazed. He was also shocked when I pulled out my original Korean cast recording (I still laugh thinking about the way he said "와, 세상에!" like "Wow, oh my god!" and enthusiastically took it agreeing to sign when I was mid-way asking him haha) I also thought it was funny when he asked Ceci if she saw his Phantom last season. We wish! But she mentioned she had gone to Busan a few times and he looked very touched and appreciative that we went to multiple performances 🥹 This poor man was tired he signed our things with November (11.13) though and he also spelled Ceci's name wrong first time, but it was the 1500th show though okay. And if he says it's November...who are we to question him? Ceci should also legally change names so he isn't wrong. Anyway, ramble over you can find the art we made for him in this post

OTHER

Here's just bonus fun I had that I will manage to connect to POTO despite it not being POTO because I love doing that. I mean I went because I like these musicals as well (otherwise I would've been foolish enough to go see Ben-Hur but I have, uh, standards for my plots sorry to Park Eun-tae 😭), but it's fun to point out these things. I'm happy to share my show experiences in a different post if anyone's interested in my thoughts on those

Rebecca

I went to see Rebecca, mainly focused on seeing a scheduled date for 이지혜 Lee Ji-hye (Ich) and 장은아 Jang Eun-ah (Mrs Danvers). The whole cast was fantastic. Some Korean musicals have special encore bits they do where the leads sing a part of a song from the show during bows so that was really fun. Unfortunately, we don't get to have fun at POTO like that haha

Lee Ji-hye was in Y&K Phantom as Christine in the same cast as Jeon Dong-seok (Erik), Yoon Young-seok (Gérard Carrière), and Lee Sang-jun (Cholet). Two other cast members in Rebecca were in Y&K as well - 에녹 Enoch (Maxim) who was Philippe and 신영숙 Shin Young-sook (Mrs Danvers) who was Carlotta. Sadly, they had such few shows this season due to a busy schedule, so I couldn't see them (when will trot give Enoch back to musicals). Original Korean ALW Raoul and Y&K Erik 류정한 Ryu Jeong-han was also on rotation as Maxim, but I picked another day for my show so I didn't see him either

Les Misérables

I went to opening night of Les Mis in Busan! It was the Dream Theater, same place POTO played at before. As many of you already know, Choi Jae-rim is playing Jean Valjean at the same time as the Phantom.

I could recognize him easily as the Phantom, but honestly when he appeared at the very start of Les Mis it took me a minute to process that it was him! While I did enjoy his Phantom a lot, I think I enjoyed his Valjean performance a little more. It was only opening night, so curious to see how things develop!

The actor who played Javert that night, 카이 Kai (stage name), was a former Y&K Erik for two seasons too. So many Phantoms!

Frankenstein

On the last day I got to see Dong-seok and Ji-hye once more in a concert for the musical Frankenstein which they have been in together. So have some pics I took without a mask blocking his face!

Ending Note

Thinking back to December 2022 when I said: "Maybe I'll go to Seoul and see Dong-seok once or twice and that's it, I can have my first international POTO" That was funny. That was really very very funny and silly of me to say. 9 performances and 6 of those were POTO! But I'm so grateful and I have zero regrets about it. This is one of the best experiences I've had even if it might look ridiculous to some people to do something like this...I don't care! I hope my crazy essays can help paint a good picture for you!

[reimeichan]

Probably a weird blessing in disguise from my childhood (not really a blessing but, all things considered, silver lining?) is the fact that my parents and I spoke to each other in Mandarin a lot. I'm talking to a few friends right now and the topic of being activated by specific words and phrasing has come up, in that when someone says a specific phrase it has historically been used in a certain way around them (ie. hurtful, manipulative, etc.) when the current context may not be that at all. For example, say your parents always said "Why didn't you listen to me?" when you messed up something as a kid, and would follow that up with punishment. So now when your partner says those same words, you're in an activated state and start defending yourself and lashing out since you're expecting them to follow that up with more hurt, when all they were trying to do was to understand your behavior.

And like.... throughout this conversation with my friends, I'm realizing I rarely get activated by words and phrases the same way I've seen the people around me UNLESS I'm talking to my parents. And that's almost definitely because of the fact that I rarely speak Mandarin in my day-to-day life now, as an adult, while I spoke almost exclusively Mandarin at home with my parents. So I'm able to (generally) stay clear headed when talking to people.

This has, unfortunately, resulted in very extreme reactions in odd situations. Specifically, when I was taking a class in Chinese in college, occasionally the practice reading would have some specific phrases that were exactly the same as what my parents would say. And having never experienced anything like that before outside of my own home, I'd be caught completely off guard and end up a sobbing wreck on the floor. This fortunately only happened twice, but each time was just as humiliating as I'd have to rush off to the bathroom in the middle of class to clean myself up.

I dunno, just, I guess I find it fascinating that this aspect of my childhood culture has kind of blessedly kept me from having such strong reactions in arguments with my loved ones as an adult. Though I am a bit sad that this may have stayed completely hidden from me the rest of my life and thus prevented me from actually working through the thoughts and emotions tied to these words.

Ah well. Better late than never, I suppose.

[hotheadrednecksimmer]

Vault Tec Legacy Challenge

In the Gym, Kenzie and Ellis are reconnecting over their favorite past-time, Yoga.

Kenzie: Is it worse or better than when we were out there? I know we've only lived here for a couple years but was it different?

Ellis: It was much harder than when we were out there. People are getting more desperate as the supplies dwindle, the creatures out there are more dangerous and are mutating. We saw multiple animals that were far more larger than they were originally. You'll never believe how big squirrels are now and how terrifying their clicking noises are when they are headed right for you.

Kenzie: I'm glad you're home and safe.

Ellis: I am too, I thought about you everyday we were out there and it kept me alive, made me keep my wits out there too. I also know you're birthday is coming up, 16 is a big one. I got you something.

Kenzie: You did?!

Ellis: Of course, it's not the car that I had planned to buy you for your 16th birthday but it'll have to do.

Kenzie: Well, are you gonna wait until my birthday or can I have it now?

Ellis chuckles: You can have it now.

Ellis pulls out the satin scarf he and Alexia had found at a run down bar along the way to Goodneighbor. He wasn't able to wash it out in the Wasteland but he was able to dunk it a couple times in some clean water, that had to be enough for the time being.

Ellis: Sorry I didn't wrap it, not a lot of options these days.

Kenzie gasps when she sees the scarf: Dad, this is beautiful. Thank you! I love you!

Kenzie hugs Ellis around the neck and Ellis squeezes her back. He missed his little girl a lot and was glad to be home. The hug lasted a couple minutes, clearly both of them needed the extra-long hug for their hearts. Kenzie never thought she would see her dad again, she didn't want to lose both of her parents. Eventually their hug ended, Kenzie had school work to do and Ellis wandered to his duties, trying to get back into the hang of Vault life.

In the Engineer Workshop, Alexia and Ellis are working on the parts that they brought from the Wastelands to help around the Vault.

Ellis: This part should work for the generator after a couple more modifications. Plus, that part you pulled from that water plant should let us be able to collect rainwater and purify it on a larger scale.

Alexia: That's the plan.

Ellis: Did you want to tag team or attack them individually? Either way, we are both capable. But another set of eyes won't hurt.

Alexia: I'd rather work on my own.

Ellis: Is everything alright? You're being short with me.

Alexia sighs: Yeah, everything's alright. Things have to be different in the Vault than they were out there.

Ellis: They don't have to be.

Alexia drifts off in thought about their time together in the Wasteland.

One drunken night, led to weeks of mistakes. Alexia didn't know how to not hurt Ellis' feelings. Out there, in the Wasteland, she didn't want to be alone, hell, in the Vault she didn't want to be alone. The cold hard truth is that Alexia has never been alone and she didn't know how to deal with it. But if she could only minimize the damage of those around her, to keep them happy, she would do it. Alexia shakes off the memory.

Alexia: We'll see.

Alexia was scared to say anything else, in fear of revealing too much of herself. She kept working on the part that had to work to keep the power on in the Vault while Ellis talked. Alexia mainly tuned out most of what he said but tried to listen for important parts that had to do with the Vault itself. But it seemed like Ellis was more interested in talking about their history.

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:

That afternoon in the Gym, Ben and Jameson were working out on the treadmills.

Ben: How's Bellamy doing today? Since Bellamy is the only baby, I have let Mabel take over most of the duties, haven't had a chance to see how he's doing.

Jameson: Oh, he's great. He's got my smile and his mama's good looks. Plus he's a happy baby. Almost never cries. I remember Val and Clem crying all of the time.

Ben: Owyn did too when he was at that age. Ophelia has been loads easier. Maybe it's because we're older, wiser, and have a hell of lot more patience.

Jameson: Maybe, Or they are just easier babies.

Ben: Have you gotten a chance to talk to Al yet?

Jameson stops on the treadmill: What are you talking about? I can't just talk to Al, she's not here.

Ben still running on the treadmill: She got in this morning, the girls came excitedly to the kitchen to "not get snacks" for the sleepover they are having with Al. I thought she would've spoken with you by now or the girls would've told you.

Jameson standing at the end of the treadmill he was working out on: I didn't know she was back. I have to go find her.

Ben shouts after him: Okay but if it was supposed to be a secret, I didn't tell you!

Jameson shouts back to Ben: Shut up Ben!

Moments later in the Overseer's Office, Alexia had been drinking and crying when Jameson walks in.

Jameson: Al? Are you really here?

Alexia wipes her face and puts on the best fake smile she can and looks up to him: Yes, It's really me. I'm really here.

Jameson looks in confusion: Your face?

Alexia: I gotta a little banged up and bruised out there. I'm fine though, nothing to bad.

Jameson: It looks pretty bad, Al. Did Saylor check you out?

Alexia: Thanks Jameson, you really know how to make a girl feel special.

Jameson: That's not what I meant by it and you know it.

Alexia just stares at Jameson with a neutral expression. She had gotten accustomed to making sure her face doesn't show her true feelings between all the raiders and well, what happened in Goodneighbor. She knew better than to reveal all her cards in her hand.

Jameson: Look, I didn't come here to fight with you or make you feel bad. I'm sorry. I just, I hate the way things were before you left. I thought about it every day that you were gone, every day I thought you were dead, I beat myself up over how I treated you. I should've listen to you honey, and I'm sorry for that. I know now, Saylor told me all that you had on your plate.

Alexia continues to stare blankly: It took Saylor telling you that I had a lot on my plate and not the words on my mouth?

Jameson looks at her with worry, kinda scared: Yes?

Alexia: Jameson, I thought about it a lot too while I was gone. I thought about you, what happened between us, what happened when we first got married. I deserve better. The girls deserve better.

Jameson looks at her shocked: What are you saying Al?

Alexia: I can't do this anymore.

Jameson: You go away for months on end where you could have died and came to the conclusion that you can't do this anymore?

Alexia: Yeah, that's what I just said.

Alexia sighs: I had plenty of enough time to think about things and this is what's best for me and the girls. They deserve a mom and a dad who are happy, however they may be.

Jameson: I love you, please don't do this Al. I'll change, I'll listen, we can go to therapy!

Alexia: Jameson, Stop! I don't want any of those things.

Jameson: Please don't do this to me!

Alexia: Jameson, please stop, It's over. There's nothing you can do to change my mind. This isn't working, for either one of us.

Jameson: Baby, please, I can change!

Alexia: Jameson, I'm only going to say this one more time. I'm done, this isn't working for me. I don't feel the same as you do. Please stop crying and begging, this is just embarrassing.

Jameson: Okay.

Alexia leaves the room without saying anything more. She should have been nicer, she thought, he was her person for so long and the father of her children. But when she looked at Jameson, all she could see was the pain that he had caused her over the years, while it wasn't bad, it wasn't all roses and champagne.

Jameson sinks down to the floor and thinks about all the good times that he and Alexia had together, had it really been that bad? Was he a bad partner? Nothing made sense to him in that moment. He sat on the floor and just stared at his hands for a long time. When the girls came in for a sleepover with Alexia, he pretended that everything was alright and okay. I'm sure he and Alexia will bring them together and tell them eventually, but he wasn't going to ruin the fun night they had planned. Jameson got himself off of the floor, and walked himself to an empty room, he could go to Mabel's room but he'd rather be alone tonight.

The girls had a great night together sleeping in their mom's room!

╭┈◦•◦❥•◦ First | Previous | Next

╭┈◦•◦❥•◦ Updated Character List

[tobiasdrake]

Still venting about my mom but didn't want to take over OP's post any more than I already did. So this is just going to be a big ol' oversharing mess.

Seriously, though. My mom insists that she just recognizes my skills and I'd be a good fit for her company. But she has no idea what I do. Just that I'm good at computers.

The only thing she's ever been able to say about my abilities is that I "type fast, but not as fast as me, wink."

I type 119 wpm. This is a woman who needed me to come to her office once because "The window is supposed to be big. Like, the entire screen, big. But it's just this in this little window now. How do I make it big?"

No shame meant for people who aren't super experienced working in data. But I'm going to need some convincing before I believe that her repeated, insistent job offers are really because she understands the value of my work and not at all because I'm her kid.

During one of my refusals to come work for her, she once actually said to me, to my face, "Everybody has a price." No hint of irony or self-awareness at all.

When I started becoming more politically aware, I'd try to have conversations with her about the things I was learning. Because she was my mom, and I loved her.

As I spent more time living in the lower-class and got to know the experiences of being poor and listening to minority voices and exploring what it means to be neurodivergent and LGBT, I would bring what I was learning to the table. Because I was discovering things I never knew were there, and I thought she didn't know either. I thought she was as ignorant as I was discovering myself to be.

She was not. She had the typical conservative rhetoric in-hand to stamp down on everything I tried to share with her. Drugs. Crime. Welfare.

The day I gave up on her, the day I realized who she really was, was after Trump got elected. When she told me to my face that she voted for Trump because of a Hispanic family down the street that has a nicer truck than hers. "It's not fair, because those people don't have to pay taxes." So she wanted Trump to come in and deport them. For having a nice truck.

I don't even know if they're even immigrants. I don't think she knows either. I think it'd be pretty hard to afford an acre of land in rural America and a nicer truck than a rich white woman's if you were working undocumented migrant wages. So I'm like 80% sure she's racist-ing at documented American citizens.

And it's still not okay even if she's not.

That was the day I realized that she isn't just uneducated about these issues. She is a hateful bigot. She thinks civil rights are over because we solved feminism, the only civil rights cause that matters. And she thinks we solved feminism because she, personally, has a cushy job and plenty of wealth and can live on a horse ranch where she never has to see other human beings again.

My mom has always loved the idea of me. She's proud of having a son. Of being a mom. But we've never had any shared interests or activities. She's upset because she tried to get me into horses when I was a kid, and I didn't take to them.

She warned me when I was five that you shouldn't go behind the horse because it can kick your head clean off. And from that moment on, that's all I could think about any time I saw a horse. Dangerous animal can take my head right off. I did not enjoy any attempt she made to put me and horses in the same space.

And she's always kinda held that against me. That I didn't take interest in the activities she enjoyed, so we never had anything to connect over.

But like. I was a child. It was her responsibility to take interest in the things I cared about. Where was she when I was playing Power Rangers with my friends and getting into roller blading and learning that I loved writing and analyzing and dissecting media.

Where is she now when my family is struggling and all she has to say is, "I don't give handouts. But I do have this nepo-job for you if you're interested. Don't worry, it's because of your qualifications, I promise."

My mom has always wanted to love me. But only on her terms.