#it's the kind of thing that makes me unreasonably anxious because i have worked at Company About To Go Under And/Or Fire All Its Employees

[chronotopes]

ive had to email my boss "hey can i have a project to work on" like twice in the past week and if i don't get something new in the next fifteen minutes i'm going to have to do it again. what is going ON at this company. it is humiliating every time, like being a student reminding the teacher that there is homework, but i do not want to risk getting in trouble for not working so like. i guess the alternative is being annoying.

[ryuichirou]

So here's the thing, imagine the twisted boys at the beach, living their best lives until they get stung by a jellyfish. The only way to ease the pain is by getting peed on, no magical cures. Which ones would rather enduring the pain than asking someone to help them? Who would they trust to pee on them? Also, the other way round, which ones would be willing to pee on others? Does anyone have a secret piss kink? Sebek is the one I'm most curious about, like if there was a mysterious and dangerous enough jellyfish to cause pain to Malleus, would he enthusiastically offer his services? Would he adamantly refuse to do such an offensive act despite the pain Malleus is suffering? So much to ponder…

This ask made me so unreasonably happy, this is so stupid and so NRC style lol Oh to be Sebek in such a troublesome situation! A dilemma! A conundrum!

Jokes aside, I think it’s important to note that no one should pee on a jellyfish sting because it actually makes it worse… But who out of the NRC boys is even aware of that? 🤔

Your ask also reminded us of this video, and honestly it feels like a very 1styears thing to do. In this particular video I can imagine every 1st year in every “role” and somehow it still makes sense lol They really would do stupid shit like this.

Still! Let’s go through the list and think about it.

Riddle – he didn’t even know people had this “peeing on someone” idea in their heads! Why would they do that?! Why is everyone taking their dicks out?! Wait- stop it immediately! (Too late… I’m sorry, Riddle)

Ace – he is the first one to volunteer. He would pee on anyone, he doesn’t mind. That being said, if he himself was stung, he wouldn’t want to ask others to pee on him… he’ll try to pee on himself, but that wouldn’t work, so he’ll have to ask others for help. Begrudgingly… He’ll ask Deuce, of course. He’ll take him somewhere private first, too.

Deuce – he isn’t as eager to pee on others as Ace, but he would help a friend out if he has to. Even if this is embarrassing and gross! What if his friend dies?? He has to pee on him! What kind of friend is he otherwise! Ace would egg him on… Deuce would also get peed on by every 1st year and some of the 2nd years…

Trey – he also knows that you shouldn’t pee on jellyfish sting, but he won’t stop the boys in time… how did he miss it? How did this happen to Riddle? He’ll help him to clean himself, but somewhere deep into his heart Trey kind of curses his own knowledge and sense of responsibility because doing something so gross sounds as horrible as it is kind of hot. Wait, what was that thought?

Cater – he isn’t aware that you shouldn’t pee on a jellyfish sting. He is the one who suggested it the moment someone got stung. He wouldn’t participate himself, but he would pull his phone out almost unconsciously and reflexively, because this imagery is unforgettable. If he got stung himself though, he would yell that he doesn’t want to get peed on. Too bad, Cater, this is a pee fest now.

Leona – how did you even manage to get stung, loser? Anyways, he’d better run before the rest of Savanaclaw gets eager to help him out because if there is anyone in NRC that is eager to pee everywhere but in the appropriate places, it’s the Savanaclaw students. In any other situation, Leona would suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting sarcastically, but everyone would take it seriously.

Ruggie – he’ll pee for money. And knowing his luck, he’ll manage to get paid somehow. I don’t know who the poor victim is, but they just bought Ruggie’s precious medicinal pee lol If Ruggie gets stung himself though, he’ll crawl away as fast as he could – he doesn’t trust these fuckers.

Jack – he gets very aggravated and nervous because of the unfamiliar pee smell, so even if it wasn’t dangerous to pee on a jellyfish sting, he would get very angry, anxious and a bit aggressive, so please let’s not give Jack any golden showers lol He also wouldn’t want to participate in peeing on someone else, but he isn’t impossible to convince…

Azul – absolutely no! Even if it were a legitimate remedy, Azul wouldn’t want anyone near himself. Put your dicks away, or he will chop them off! He also won’t participate in it himself. Too gross. He doesn’t understand why others get so eager to pee on each other.

Jade – oh he is aware that the pee would only make it worse, but he’ll still pee on a person just for funsies. He might even suggest that a merman’s pee pH-balance is perfect for this type of injury. It is a lie, of course…

Floyd – same, he’ll pee just for fun. He is tired of everyone arguing about it, it’s not a big deal. He’ll be especially excited if he gets to pee on poor Riddle… I think Floyd might have discovered a kink. Skedaddle, everyone! If any of the tweels get stung though, they’ll go straight to Azul to ask him to heal them. Even if it doesn’t work, there is no way they’re letting others pee on them, they know it’ll hurt like a bitch…

Kalim – surprisingly, he knows that you shouldn’t pee on a jellyfish sting. Everyone would get shocked by hearing an actual piece of advice from Kalim, but then they’ll know that he learned it the hard way… Poor little Jamil…

Jamil - … yeah, poor little Jamil. But also, knowing Jamil’s luck, knowing that one shouldn’t pee on a jellyfish sting probably wouldn’t save him from people around him getting way too excited and eager to help him out. He is one of the guys that gets peed on by an entire crowd…

Vil – are you people out of your mind? This is the last time Vil hangs out at a public beach. He’ll try to stop some of the first years from peeing on Epel and get a little bit sprayed himself… well NOW they should really skedaddle.

Rook – I don’t trust this man. Of course he knows that you shouldn’t pee on a jellyfish sting, but a part of him gets excited by the idea of someone hurt and vulnerable getting this kind of help from their friends. Such an awkward and embarrassing but strong bonding experience! He might not stop it if he sees it. But right after that he’ll interfere and help. If either he or Vil gets stung, he’ll also suggest it playfully and get smacked.

Epel – a disaster. It’s as bad as Deuce’s situation, maybe even worse. Even if he doesn’t think this is a good idea, he’ll get peer pressured easily, and if this isn’t him who got stung, he’ll be the more eager one. He’ll yell while doing it to fight his embarrassment. And if he gets stung and isn’t miraculously jumped by everyone around him instantly, he’ll probably crawl to Rook to super awkwardly ask him for help, almost on a verge of crying. Rook’s heart wouldn’t survive this.

Idia – he is so sick of this trope! This is stupid, and Idia believes that this myth was created by a lobby of golden shower lovers or something like that. He’ll cry of embarrassment if he gets peed on by someone else, especially publically, especially if this is an entire squad of people… But he might also be taken away by the Tweels (or even just Jade) to do it in private. Or maybe Lilia… He just said that he didn’t want to do it at all..!

Ortho – he knows that he should stop others from harming themselves and being stupid, but he actually really likes this trope because of how embarrassing and cringeworthy it is to watch (Idia always reacts in a funny way when it happens in media!). So he’ll suggest it himself… and watch. He is so sad he can’t also pee on poor guy… he should upgrade his beach gear.

Lilia – oh he is so sure it’ll work. He can actually argue with facts on this one because this isn’t the first time he pees on someone, and it always gets better instantly! He wasn’t born yesterday, you know? In fact, he was born too many years ago... So yeah, he might pee on someone even if they are aware that this isn’t the way to go lol And if poor peepaw gets stung himself, he’ll get annoyed and moody, but ask Silver to help… And Silver won’t hesitate to help because he wants his father to be safe.

Silver – if he lived near the beach, he would’ve been aware that this doesn’t work, but… Unfortunately, we have on our hands a boy who would go “understood” and do it if asked. And if Silver gets stung himself and someone drops an idea of peeing as a remedy on him, he might even bow and ask people around him to do it… oh no, Silver, no no no please don’t Silver, please-

Sebek – the star of the post lol Blame the first years, they are the ones who made him think that it works!! And the chaos was so insane that he didn’t even get to see or hear that it doesn’t in fact work! So if right after that he saw Malleus getting stung, his heart would drop and he would feel both cold and hot at the same time. Even if he manages to suggest his help, even if he manages to explain what kind of help it is, even if Malleus goes “oho? I haven’t heard of this kind of remedy, go ahead”… Sebek wouldn’t be able to pee on him. Because he would get hard-

Malleus – I kind of lied in the previous one, he probably knows about this thing from Lilia who has too many stories to tell. So while the previously mentioned scenario is possible, he might also suggest peeing himself in a teasing way, like would you dare to do it? Kind of way. But in that case he is way more interested in Sebek’s reaction… and Sebek surprised him a lot. He expected him to run away or even do it, but not this. Wow. In any other scenario, I don’t think Malleus would be too bothered by a jellyfish sting. Sebek shouldn’t have been worried in the first place.

[nadvs]

ik your list is already overflowing w ideas but the pillowtalk blurb rlly made me think of a toxic relationship fic w rafe (not the fetishizing purely fucking kind but moreso an exploration of how it's like being in love w someone as self-destructive as rafe fshfjsh) i just know u would rlly nail it !!!

no pressure tho ik ur working on a lot of wips (AND UR DOING AMAZING !!!) just needed to get this idea out there hahahahha

၊၊||၊၊||၊၊ open arms / sza

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

i know all this is bad, but who needs self esteem anyway?

At a certain point, it doesn’t even feel like Rafe is breaking your heart; you’re the one doing it to yourself when you expect every explosion of his to be the last.

He never lays a hand on you, but he starts fights out of no where, spiralling into indignation and hostility. If anything, he’s more destructive to himself than he is to your relationship.

He’s spiteful when he’s upset. You know him well enough to recognize he’s not really mad at you most of the time. When he feels like he’s losing his mind, you’re an anchor, calm and kind and gracious, encouraging him to talk about what’s really upsetting him.

When things turn vicious, you don’t always give him the satisfaction of fighting back. The glimpses of his gentle soul are what keep you around. He’s breaks, but you put him back together.

spent your whole life being hopeless, choking on insecurity

You know it’s not all his fault. When Rafe first opened up to you about how his father has dismissed him and told him to man up all his life, anger bubbles inside of you. It’s not fair.

Deep down, Rafe is a sweet boy, and your mind constantly wanders down the path of who he’d be if he was loved growing up. The potential of what he could have been is what’s most painful of all.

He self-sabotages. You can tell. When he’s mean, hurling accusations at you that you don’t even care about him, you can see past it enough to realize he’s trying to ruin his own happiness.

At the end of every conflict, he crumbles into tears, nervously chewing on his thumbnail, trembling, whimpering about not wanting to lose you.

you my favorite color, now you seeing every shade of me / locked in for life, on god, no replacing me

Rafe can’t imagine a world without you.

He’s hard to love. He knows he is. When he acts unreasonably - getting mad over something and fighting with you even when you had nothing to do with it, giving into his anxious thoughts that you’re cheating on him, trying to control you or boss you around - it’s like he’s witnessing himself do it. It’s a horror movie when he watches himself losing it.

You know you can leave. As they say, women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men. But it’s work you want to do, because when he lets out his tender side, showering you in hugs and kisses and compliments, smiling so lovingly and brightly in a way that makes the bad times seem like nothing in comparison, you know it’s worth it.

Every time you guide him out of the dark, understanding him better than he understands himself, he thinks about how lost he would be without you. You see it all, every ugly side of him, and you stay. And he would pray to whoever’s listening that you stay forever.

[vinxhwrites]

I've had this idea in my drafts for a long time and only finished it today because I was procrastinating on the many many assignments I have for this week. I've never written smut before so I don't know what I'm doing, also I'm very sleepy so maybe it sucks, but here it is:

ghost x f!reader x soap

nsfw, +18

word count: 8.2k

cw: nsfw! lots of fluff, tiniest bit of h/c, smut in the end, unprotected sex (don't do it!); alcohol consumption, quite long descriptions of anxieties I guess; also not proofread, sorry

You enjoyed existing in the liminal space between something romantic and something purely friendly. You wanted to get to know every aspect of love, feel it from all directions, in all its forms.

You always wondered what exactly was the tipping point to make one thing turn into another. You wondered if it even existed, if experience could ever be restrained to one set type of relationship, if love could be divided into sections, named and labeled, put into existence and then put to death once things ended, instead of just being the overflowing unconditional force that you hoped it was.

In reality, of course, love can't be limited or restrained by words that aim to define, control or organize it. In practice, you've found it within yourself as something stronger, more nuanced, and freeing than you could've ever hoped it would be.

Ghost first heard Soap refer to you as his "nap buddy" over breakfast one day. He frowned, the first thought to cross his mind being whether the two of you were skipping work to take naps. But Soap went on, telling Gaz about how he'd been creeping into your bed at night when he couldn't sleep. "I feel like a baby, I swear" Ghost overheard him say "she'll just tell me stories until I fall asleep."

It all had started almost two months prior to that conversation, when you bumped into Soap in the corridor one night. You were both sleepy but suffering from insomnia. He shared little tips with you on what usually helped him: walking around, counting sheep, breath exercises; although he admitted this time none of it was working.

You explained your problem was the crippling anxiety that came with the insomnia sessions. You hated being alone with your thoughts during the dark moments of the night, which filled you with unreasonable angst.

You two walked around outside for a while. It was a cold night and you both started to shiver a bit. Soap rubbed his hand on your back in an attempt to warm you, but you concluded it was best to go back to your rooms. Then, as you approached your door, right beside his, you had an idea:

"Hey, I hope this doesn't sound too weird...but would you like to try to sleep with me?"

He smiled at you and accepted the invite.

At that moment, you navigated the perfect moment of sleepiness when rational thoughts can barely form, all that is left are the primary ideas, informed only by your senses and memories. The anxious voices of decent social conduct are far too tired to interject with your thoughts at this point. Anything can seem appropriate, nothing feels real and there is true bliss to be found somewhere.

That's why it felt so natural to curl up in bed with Soap that night, you rested your head on his shoulder and he held your hand. He caressed your hair before saying something nice about the way you smelled and closed his eyes. You surely talked for a bit, in whispers, but neither of you would be able to recall what the conversation was about if someone asked. And just like that, both of you were able to fall asleep in a few minutes of comfort.

It quickly developed into a habit for difficult nights, you now depended on these moments as if they were some kind of medicine. It surely didn't make the issue go away completely for either of you, but it sure was nice to find some comfort in each other's company. Having someone to talk to was a good distraction from your racing thoughts, it was easier to relax when you were with him. Plus, he didn't seem to mind how you jumped effortlessly from one topic to another, talking about anything that came to mind.

Soon, Soap started looking for you even before trying to fall asleep by himself, "preventive care" he explained with a smile when you'd open the door relatively early at night, looking a bit puzzled. You got into the habit of telling him stories, real and made-up, creating nice scenarios for his dreams.

You've let him kiss you a few times, but it never really went much further than that, even though it was no secret that he liked you as a bit more than a friend.

Part of the reason for your contentment with kisses was that both of you were almost always too tired to invest in more than that, but part of it was because of your resistance to changing your relationship dynamic. What you had built with him felt so stable in its tenderness that you were scared to risk losing it.

You've always felt, previously in life, that sex complicated things. Especially with men, especially when you thought they were your friends first, to later be heartbroken by the fact that they really just wanted to fuck you, and had no love to give. You really wished it would be different with him.

But Soap was well-versed in love, he wasn't scared of it. He fully embraced it, actually. Sometimes, while you played with your fingers through his hair, he'd make a point of telling you about his love, the depths of it, how much he could give you of it if you'd let him.

"But it's perfect like this" you cried, anytime he brought up the topic of sex, fearing the inevitable low after the high. Yet, to him sex was irremovable from love, it was the best way he knew how to demonstrate it.

He once told you that you made him feel like a teenager again, saying you were like his prudish high school girlfriend.

The furthest you've gone at this point was letting him finger you one night, just because he begged and whined so much. "I need to feel you" he said, out of breath from kissing you, and you just couldn't resist. It wasn't like you didn't desire him, you were scared doing it would make you want him more. And it did.

He licked his own fingers afterward, which made a moan escape from your mouth. He kissed you again before resting his head on your shoulder. Didn't ask for anything in return. Soap was a lover by definition. And the fact that he respected your boundaries made you treasure him even more.

"You know you can sleep with other people, right?" you assured him, afraid that he'd resent you if you kept him waiting.

"Yeah, but it's not the same thing" he replied.

You were on a first-name basis now, you called him Johnny and, when the two of you were alone, he called you "baby", even letting it slip in front of other people sometimes.

Ghost reprehended you for it one day when he heard it. Not Johnny, you. It was inadequate, he said, and made you apologize to him.

You thought Ghost was scary. It was in a similar manner to which you used to think your linguistics professor at University was scary: in a hot, sexy but very menacing way. You desired his approval and had the impression that you were never going to get it. His mere presence made your legs weak. Maybe it was the authority aspect that messed with your mind, or at least that's what you tried to justify to yourself.

He intimidated you more than anyone, constantly making you feel inadequate just by looking at you. It felt unfair to not even be able to see him properly most of the time, it made you feel naked in every interaction when he could see you so clearly. And on top of that, there was the constant staring: You were always under his watch if he was around as if he was constantly waiting for you to do something wrong. Plus, he seemed to be way more critical of you than he was of others, always questioning you or anything you did, and complaining about your skills or your lack of punctuality (even if you were late by just a minute).

"I think he hates me," you told Johnny one day. "I really do".

He chuckled in response. "He doesn't hate you. He's just really bad at expressing...anything"

"I think he's really good at expressing his hatred for me" you whined back "He doesn't treat you as badly".

"Well, baby, but you can't compete with me!" he smirked proudly "He loves me".

The truth is Ghost loved hearing you say "I'm sorry, sir" in a soft and exhausted voice, it tickled something inside him that he couldn't quite name. It was equally exciting and disturbing to him. But you didn't know that, which is why it caught you by surprise when he showed up at your door one night, as you were about to fall asleep.

Ghost wasn't one to sleep together, not even with the random people he had sex with on occasion. Sleep had always been a solitary activity to him, something he struggled with by himself.

The idea of having someone to sleep with, of it being such a comfort hadn't left his mind ever since he heard John talking about it at the table weeks before. He started to catch himself fantasizing about it, thinking about the warmth of having someone's body so close to him, if it'd be something to shield him from his nightmares. He started to wonder about how soft your skin must feel.

It was a foreign feeling to him, this yearning for something so intimate, but it got to a point where he just had to try it.

"Ghost?" you were confused. He wore sweatpants and a long-sleeved grey t-shirt, and still had a black balaclava on. He closed the door behind him.

"Johnny said you let him sleep with you sometimes" he cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable.

"Right" you responded, waiting for him to scold you for it. But he just stood there in silence "Would you like to sleep here too...?" you guessed amused after he let the silence hang for a bit too long.

He took a deep breath, "May I?" he asked.

"Sure, come here." you moved closer to the wall to make space for him. You couldn't help but smile as you felt him sit down on your bed, the heat coming from his body already making you want to get closer.

"You know I don't have sex with him, right?"

"I didn't come here for sex" he answered immediately, sounding almost offended, then sighed "I can't sleep''.

"OK" you said, already regretting having opened your mouth in the first place.

He laid down on his back beside you exhausted and took a deep breath. He removed his balaclava and put it on your nightstand. You noticed you were holding your breath, terrified of ruining this moment of intimacy.

"You'd better not snore" he said in a low voice, adjusting himself on your pillow with a hand behind his head and the other on his chest.

You chuckled a bit, letting yourself relax by his side. "I don't snore." you assured him "at least, not that I know of".

Ghost didn't answer you this time, and even in the dark you could see he had closed his eyes.

"Permission to touch you, sir?" you asked in a whisper after a few seconds of collecting your courage, craving to feel his skin.

That first night, he let you hold his hand while you two slept. It felt tiny and fragile on his. When he woke up sweating in the middle of the night, as he often did, his heart rate eased when he felt your presence by his side, it did feel different.

He avoided you like the plague for three days straight after that night, you thought he'd never look at you again. You thought you've done something wrong and scared him away. In reality, he was scared he'd poisoned himself by getting a taste of something so novel to him, and feared he'd become addicted to it.

He tried to go back to his regular routine, but now the emptiness of his bedroom felt even more evident, his bed felt colder. Then, when you were starting to become at peace with the anxiety that had built up in your stomach at this point, he showed up at your door again.

This time he didn't say anything after you agreed to let him in, feeling absolutely defeated. He laid on his side, his back turned to you. You asked if you could touch him once more and when he agreed you threw your arm around his torso, cuddling him. He felt a goosebump as your breath touched his back.

And he wouldn't tell you, but when he woke up he couldn't remember the last time he'd had such a good night of sleep.

You told Johnny about it the next day as casually as possible, fearing to find a trace of jealousy in his eyes. But instead, they seemed to brighten with delight. "See, I told you he didn't hate you" he smiled.

For the next few weeks, your lieutenant started being kinder to you, albeit in his own way. He stopped reprehending you for stupid reasons, gave you a little pat on the back when you did well during training, and even made you a cup of tea once when he heard Gaz comment that you had a cold one day, putting it in front of you at the table and walking away without saying a word.

You discovered him to be someone more playful than you previously imagined, witty even. The affection you had for him grew stronger with each passing day, as your impression of him morphed into something new, and you just couldn't keep it to yourself. But, unlike Johnny, who loved being touched, Ghost had serious boundaries. Most times you could tell you'd overstepped. He'd let you know it immediately: removing your hand from his face if you touched it, clearly stating "don't" if you ever dared to try to touch his hair, he'd move his hand away when you started to mindlessly draw circles on it with your fingers, and - the only aspect that didn't make you feel completely rejected - pushing you away slightly in bed if you ever got close enough to feel the solid volume in his pants.

For him, physical touch tended to be a utilitarian exchange: maybe he'd get a pat on the shoulder for doing a good job, he'd get kisses and caresses when someone used him for sex, he'd get injured during combat, but your touch was something new: it made no practical sense, there was no transaction to be made, no endpoint, it was just affection for the sake of affection. He didn't know what to do with it.

As your intimacy deepened, Ghost revealed to you that suffered from terrible migraines every once in a while and got into the habit of coming to sleep with you on those days, although he did complain every single time that your constant rambling on different topics made his head hurt even more. He'd retract the statement as soon as you stopped talking though.

One day, when he was in a particularly terrible mood, you offered him a massage. "What good will that do, huh?" he grunted "You just want to touch me"

You chuckled "well, that is partially true, sir" and he smiled behind his balaclava. But you insisted, proceeding to explain how the tension on his neck muscles could be causing the headaches, or at least making them worse, and that was enough to convince him to let you do it.

"It doesn't work if you don't try to relax" you said, pressing your fingers to the base of his neck. You were sitting on the bed, back rested on your pillow, with him between your legs, his back turned to you.

"I'm trying" he mumbled.

"Come on, deep breaths," you said, and you knew immediately that he was probably rolling his eyes. "Come on" you insisted patiently, massaging just the right spot on the back of his shoulders as he let out a low moan, letting his head rest forward.

"See, isn't it better?" you said enthusiastically.

"Stop talking" he grunted, which you did, continuing to massage him in silence.

It took you by surprise when you felt his thumb lightly caress your right ankle, it was a timid touch, and you felt afraid he would stop if you moved, even though that leg felt a bit numb already.

You could feel his body melt under your touch bit by bit, letting more of his weight rest on you. He forgot about his headache, only focused on the delicious slumber that took over his body now.

"You're gonna have to do this every day now" he muttered, eyes closed.

"I'll gladly do it" you assured him, treasuring the way he seemed so relaxed now. You had to fight the urge to put a kiss on his neck with all your might.

That night he held you like a pillow, resting his head on your stomach. You slowly pulled his mask up, waiting to see if there'd be any resistance, but there wasn't.

He shivered when you then touched his hair. It felt soft. You scratched his head gently with your nails and he savoured the foreign feeling that it caused.

"You little demon" he whispered, surrendering completely to your touch.

Ghost knew what love was supposed to look like. He just wasn't that sure about how it felt to receive it anymore. The more he thought about it, the more he was under the impression that he lacked the vocabulary to express it.

Once, when working in complete silence next to him, filling and writing reports, you asked:

"Can you take a look at this, sir?" you held the paper in front of him.

"You know you can call me Simon" he said, eyes still fixed on his papers.

"I didn't actually." you said and he looked at you, you could notice a quick smile appear on his eyes.

"Ok, now you know."

You smiled and he moved his gaze back to the papers in front of him.

"Can you take a look at this, Simon?" you repeated, and this time he looked up and happily took the paper from your hand.

Simon had never really tried anything besides actual sleep with you, and you were terrified of initiating it yourself and getting rejected. But sometimes you could feel the imminence of something, nothing clear or distinct, just the way the silence of the room felt different, a change in the pace of his breathing or a slight shift in the atmosphere. On these moments you'd feel like he could turn you over and fuck you at any second. It fed the anticipation in your chest, but it never happened.

You wondered, at times, if you were somehow able to read his thoughts in cryptic ways and that's how you'd know he was thinking about fucking you.

"What are you thinking about?" you asked in a whisper one of these nights.

"Why do you care?" his response was immediate, defensive. Your fantasies definitely weren't supported by his lack of attention to your romantic attempts.

"Just wondering" you shrugged. "Are you not going to tell me?"

He looked at you, and even in the dark you could tell he was smiling "No".

You prayed that he would kiss you, just a little bit would be enough. But, of course, he didn't.

"I was thinking about you, in case you were wondering," you said casually a few moments later, gazing at his face. You were getting sloppier with hiding your feelings for him, he couldn't possibly not see it.

He chuckled quietly at your response, "Stop flirting with me" he said and you felt your cheeks turn red, "you should get some sleep" he suggested then, shutting off the conversation. And, as if he intended to get you a bit more confused, he lightly caressed your hair.

Sometimes you'd wish he'd just reject you once and for all so you could move on. But the more you thought about your love the more you wanted to cultivate it and share it with him, the same way you felt you could share with Johnny. And if Simon didn't want it, so be it. It felt like, and it was, a big act of bravery on your part. At least you'd be able to comfort yourself on the fact that you loved, it grew and flourished inside you, and it was a beautiful thing.

It got to the point where one of them was occupying your bed almost every day of the week, people were starting to catch on to it. You knew the day would come when they'd both show up and the thought alone made you nauseous, at least until it actually happened.

You held your breath when you heard Johnny's steps approaching your door, even before he knocked on it.

"Come in" Simon said before you could even react.

Johnny tilted his head for a second, looking amused at the scene of his lieutenant cuddling you. He closed the door behind him and took off his slippers, then he approached your bed to lay down beside you.

You held your breath when you saw Johnny rest his neck on Simon's extended arm so nonchalantly. Simon didn't move his arm. You couldn't exactly name what is it that you feared at that moment, the next few moments of silence translated into nervousness within you. Johnny took your arm and casually put your hand on his chest.

"So," he said, looking at Simon playfully "Are you trying to steal her from me?"

Simon chuckled "Didn't know she was yours to steal".

The tension you felt was not shared between them.

"You could've come to sleep with me, lieutenant," Johnny said, he sounded almost offended that Simon would have preferred to sleep with you.

"Back at you, Johnny" he murmured, closing his eyes, making Johnny smile from ear to ear.

You knew your bed surely wasn't made for three, but you managed to make it comfortable. You woke up lying on top of Johnny like a baby, your chest to his, while Simon laid on his side with one arm thrown around you.

That night, Johnny could almost feel his heart flutter and twirl inside his chest. It was perfect. He had so much love to give, he couldn't wait to share it. To him, Love was generous and ever-giving, it was infinite, it overpowered him and he gladly let it.

To Simon, on the other hand, Love was a terrifying force he feared would take over him completely if he let it. He feared it could destroy him, or, even worse, he would destroy it. But, at moments like this one, he couldn't help but let love overflow in his heart, couldn't resist the warmth both of you shared from entering his own body.

Throughout the whole following day, you felt a sweet anticipation for something in your stomach, being only able to think about how nice it had felt to be surrounded by both of them. How you wished you could stay in that state forever, unmoved.

At night, Johnny curled up in bed with you, resting his head on your chest after a tiring day. He seemed almost disappointed to find you alone when he came in, he smiled while he kissed you nonetheless.

He inundated you with questions that gradually turned into whines: did you sleep with him? what do you mean you don't even kiss? what are you doing? don't you find him attractive? why don't you just ask him? do you think we should go after him? why not? let's knock on his door! why not?!

You were able to dissuade him from these impulsive thoughts eventually, stroking your fingers through his hair and recommending that he do the same as you and try to stop thinking about it. It was for the best, you assured him, trying to convince yourself of it, too. He yielded at last, but he wasn't pleased.

"Do you even want me?" he asked with a sigh

"Of course I do." you replied, almost offended at the question "You know I do."

"Doesn't feel like it sometimes" he muttered.

You took a deep breath before taking him through your typical monologue, practically memorized at this point, on your reasons for keeping things as they were - no sex - would be better. The more you talked, the less you found yourself believing in your own words. Still, you tried to make him care for the utter shape of your relationship as it was, in an eternal transient state of a romantic friendship that never lost itself. "That sounds terrible, bonnie" he said, but you insisted he just didn't understand.

"I'm sensitive, Johnny." you tried to explain yourself "I can't stand the thought of ruining what we have."

"Seems like you can't stand the thought of improving them" he sighed.

You knew he had been sleeping with other people, and the thought soothed you more than anything. He never lied to you about it when you asked, and it was comforting to see his heart still belonged to you. You tried to imagine yourself as something separate entirely.

He traced his fingers down to your waist, then hips, and back to your shoulders, letting his hand linger on your breast.

"Don't you want it, baby? Not even a little bit?"

"I do, Johnny" you admitted, not immune to the desire that kept itself alive inside you.

"Haven't you been dreaming about it...?" he continued, his voice lower than before as his fingers played with your hair "Huh? You, me and Simon?"

Your eyes widened at his words, even though you had, in fact, been thinking about it constantly ever since the first night that Simon slept with you.

"That would be a mess" you murmured, telling him what you kept telling yourself.

Johnny chuckled, "a hot, delicious fucking mess?" he suggested.

"Just a regular mess" you lied.

"Just think about it, alright?" he eventually said, resting his head back on your chest.

"Okay." you promised before turning off the light on your nightstand..

"I love you, baby. Truly." he whispered in the dark "There's nothing for you to be afraid of."

"I love you too, Johnny"

Part of you knew it was a silly decision to insist on depriving yourself of pleasure, things were already messy enough. There was no saving any naivety of a friendship that hadn't been merely a friendship from the start, and refusing to admit that you did, in fact, have physical desires toward them was, perhaps, just making things worse. You made a mental note to search for a therapist when you got back home, perhaps dig into whatever religious guilt you seemed to have inherited to drive your decisions.

Nevertheless, you were able to remain firm in your decision. At least until two days later, when everyone went out for drinks at night after a long day.

The sky was dark grey when you left the base to go to the bar. The space was crowded, but comfortable. You knew almost everyone there and quickly settled with some friends.

After one and a half beers Johnny was already getting touchy with you by the counter.

"Have you thought about what I said?"

You nodded and he got closer to you, hands on your waist, "And will you let me make love to you?" he asked softly in your ear.

"Maybe I will" you confessed, already feeling a bit tipsy.

"Come on, bonnie" he insisted, hands on your waist "You know I've been dying to fuck you."

You felt as if your legs would melt right then and there. And, even with your back turned to him, you felt Simon's oppressive stare on you. You turned to find him across the bar.

You both looked at him, sitting at the table next to Price, who seemed to be talking to him, even though his attention laid somewhere else. His hair was covered by a black hoodie, but he didn't cover his face. He grinned at you playfully, taking a sip of the cold beer in his hand.

Johnny followed your gaze and smirked at Simon, then looked back at you with a devilish smile. "I'm gonna get Ghost to come with me" he said and you froze in place.

"I don't think that's a good idea," you plead, already feeling the palms of your hands sweat. What is it exactly that you feared? You didn't really know. It felt childish to be this scared of your own desires.

"I think he's into it" Johnny said, winking at you.

"I don't think so." you grew a bit nervous "I don't think he wants me like that"

Johnny just chuckled in response. "Sure" he said sarcastically. "I can't believe you think that's possible, baby".

You looked around the room nervously, the idea made your stomach turn.

"Tell me you don't want it." he said, suddenly looking at you with a serious expression "Just tell me you don't want it and I won't say anything to him. I'll drop it."

But you couldn't say anything, which made him smile before taking another sip of his beer. Johnny pecked a kiss on your cheek, before leaving you to sit at the table beside Simon.

Although you couldn't pinpoint what exactly caused you so much anxiety, you did notice that it mixed into a twisted excitement.

You watched as they interacted with each other, leaning closer to talk, smiling, and laughing lightly. They looked so pretty you couldn't believe such a dreamy scenario would become a reality to you. Johnny touched Simon's arm and whispered something to him, he grinned and looked at you.

You tried to pretend you hadn't been staring at him the whole time, suddenly feeling a lot of interest in the bottle in your hand and then the conversation that took place between the colleagues beside you.

You tried to distract yourself the rest of the night, interacting with other people and trying your best to focus on different subjects, other people's lives and problems, it was very hard considering that yours seemed to be about to become so much more exciting than anything your friends had been up to.

Johnny didn't seem to want to leave Simon's side anymore, they were engaged in conversation with Price and Gaz at the table on the corner of the bar for what felt like hours to you.

It was pouring rain outside by the time you gave yourself a little tipsy pep talk in the dirty restroom mirror. You told yourself you looked attractive enough, beautiful even. Nothing to worry about.

When you came back, you were so immersed in your own thoughts that you didn't even notice when Simon sat on the barstool beside you.

"What are you thinking about?" you heard his low voice behind you.

You turned around to look at him, feeling blood rush to your cheeks "Didn't see you there"

"Are you not going to tell me?" he repeated your words from the other night with a playful smirk, to which you frowned. He leaned a little closer to you to whisper in a high-pitched voice "I'm thinking about you".

"I don't sound like that"

"Yes, you do" he chuckled.

You took a deep breath before answering, echoing his own words back to him: "Well, you should stop flirting with me"

"I don't think you want me to stop" he grinned, and you wished you knew exactly what Johnny had said to him. "Do you?"

"No," you said frankly "no, I don't."

It was almost 2am when Johnny pointed his head to the door, signaling it was time to leave. Simon was already outside, and you were already soaking wet even before you left the covered environment of the bar.

You thought your heart was trying to jump out of your chest when Simon opened his bedroom door later that night, and felt both of the men you loved follow you inside.

You closed your eyes when you felt both of Simon's hands hold you by the shoulders from behind, as he got closer to you "are you OK, love?" he asked against your neck, the softest you've heard him speak, with the remains of alcohol on his breath. He placed a kiss on your shoulder and you rested your head against his chest.

You nodded, your body burning in anticipation. "Will you guys stop if I don't feel well?" you asked, your voice was almost a whisper.

The anxiety about the implications and consequences of this was already set on your chest. Now there was nothing else to do, no escaping the disturbance this would cause to your life. At this point, stopping would be much worse. Your desires had already manifested, they had been spoken, and transformed, there was nothing left to do but give in to it.

The violent rumbles of lightning bolts shook the sky outside, and sudden flashes of light illuminated the room at an unpredictable frequency. Your eyes had adjusted to the dim light of the room, and the darkness felt comforting, providing an atmosphere of otherworldliness to the room, you could almost imagine this scene took place in a different reality and try not to worry about it.

"Of course" Johnny answered and Simon nodded with his face on your neck.

Johnny kissed you first while Simon held you, his familiar lips searching urgently for you in the dark. You had one hand on his neck, while the other held tight to Simon's, afraid to lose his touch. Johnny looked at him with a smile before grabbing you by the waist and turning you around so that you faced Simon.

"What do you want me to do to you?" Simon asked, looking deep into your eyes, his tone was soft, the question genuine.

“Will you please kiss me?” you cried.

He took your hands in his and kissed them, the small sounds of his kisses covering your fingers and wrists. Then, finally, he leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. You felt your heart could explode at any second. You cupped his face with both hands and caressed his skin.

The kiss was soft at first, almost hesitant. His tongue was warm and smooth on yours and he tasted like beer and cigarettes.

You heard when Johnny unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants behind you, grabbing and pulling your hips so you could feel the volume in his underwear, you moaned into Simon's mouth.

Johnny left wet kisses on your neck, making you shiver as he pulled up your t-shirt. Simon cupped your breasts in his hands as soon as he saw them, quickly struggling to free them from your bra, peppering kisses on your chest and nipples.

Simon kneeled in front of you and pulled your pants down, helping you remove your shoes along with them, then smiling at you before kissing over your panties.

You rested your head on Johnny's chest and trusted that his strong grip on your waist would be enough to keep you in place because you barely made any effort to stand anymore.

You hummed when Simon's tongue first touched you, drawing small circles around your clit. Johnny groaned in your ear, pressing his hips against yours, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this horny in his life. His hands danced around your body until, feeling very bold from the alcohol, he moved one of his hands down to stroke Simon's hair.

"tastes so good, doesn't she?' he asked, to which Simon nodded, burying his face deeper between your thighs.

Your mind seemed to finally quiet, you wouldn't be able to form a coherent thought if you tried now. You could feel Simon's desire to devour you.

He slipped a finger inside you, moaning back when you did. He moved his lips back to your clit, sucking it with just enough intensity to make your legs tremble. And, as if he knew, just as you were about to come undone on his touch, Simon stopped, standing up again to kiss you, you whined in protest against his lips, but it was useless.

They exchanged glances and Johnny wet his own lips.

"Let me see you ride him, love" Simon whispered in your ear, eyes fixed to his. And you obeyed.

Johnny quickly removed the rest of his own clothes and lead you to Simon's bed by your hand.

He laid down, but you stood there looking at his body for a moment. He looked so beautiful lying naked in front of you, the low light that came from the window was only enough to highlight the contrast of his features. You couldn't believe you had actually been this stupid to deny yourself from him for so long. You bit your own lip at the sight, his eyes brightened with passion. "Go on" Simon encouraged behind you.

You spread kisses to his chest before sitting on him. You tried to do it slowly, making him roll his eyes back, getting used to the size of it little by little. You both gasped with pleasure when you finally took him in completely.

“You’re so tight, baby” he groaned when you started to move.

You could hear Simon ditching his own clothes somewhere behind you. Then you felt him behind you, one of his big hands gently holding your waist. Simon used his other hand to put one finger in your mouth and you sucked on it, making Johnny audibly moan under you.

You froze immediately when you felt his naked body touch yours, his hardened cock poked the skin of your lower back.

"Relax, I won't do anything you don't want" he assured you in a low voice against your neck. You received wet kisses on your back and shoulders.

Johnny moaned, his fingers tracing your thighs "Feels so good like that" he purred, and you nodded in agreement. He grabbed your hips but Simon quickly slapped his hands away.

Johnny blinked, confused, but then smirked when Simon started to guide your movements by the hips, slowly and gradually changing the speed to fit what you seemed to respond better to. He guided your body on Johnny in a way that made his cock touch you precisely in the right places. You barely had to do any work, so you rested your head on Simon's chest, only opening your eyes to watch Johnny's face under you.

Johnny rubbed his thumb softly on your clit, making very small movements around it. You moved accordingly, enjoying the way the pressure created a response deep within your stomach. You panted on top of him, exhausted but eager to continue, your body guiding you toward release.

The obscene sounds you made were thankfully muffled by the heavy rain outside. You felt your orgasm reach you with the growing rumbles in the sky, which eventually resulted in a violent lightning, not that far from the window. You let your body rest on Simon's chest after the wave of pleasure washed over you.

"You did so good, bonnie" Johnny sat up to kiss your face, and laid back down.

Simon pulled your hips back gently, indicating you should stand on your knees. Intuitively, you positioned yourself so that you could put your lips around Johnny's cock. He closed your eyes when you did.

"Look at her, Johnny" Simon ordered.

He held your hips firmly in place, then pressed into you slowly, savoring how the wet heat between your legs welcomed him.

Johnny had his head resting on one of his arms, his free hand lazily stroking your face as he watched you struggle to fit him in your mouth. He tried his best to be obedient and focus only on you, but his eyes kept looking up curiously, dying to watch Simon's face as he fucked you.

"God, you feel so fucking good" he whimpered before he started moving his hips, filling you completely with every thrust. You could feel his length messing up your insides and you were grateful to have Johnny's cock keeping you silent.

Simon traced his fingers down your spine, around your waist, then back to your neck. He gently stroked your head and grabbed your hair. You thought he'd pull it, but Simon just pressed the back of your head deeper on Johnny's cock, pulling you back when you gagged, then repeating the same movement again and again. Johnny closed his eyes in an effort not to come so soon from the view alone.

You gave up on your own body for a moment, forgot it was yours to control in the first place, letting it be taken by all their movements like one gets taken by the current at sea.

"'m gonna cum if you keep this up" Johnny announced in a low voice, and you weren't sure if he was talking to you or Simon, but the latter let go of his grip on your hair, unsure of what you wanted to do with that information. You kept going on your own now, until you felt Johnny pulse inside your mouth.

He let out a soft moan as he watched you swallow it. His body finally relaxed on the bed and you felt his fingers search your head and caress your hair.

Simon's movements became slower, almost nonexistent, and you anxiously moved your hips against him to alleviate the desire in your core.

"Don't stop" you begged in a small voice, resting your head on Johnny's thigh, but he did stop. Simon gently pulled your hips back and switched your body so that you were facing him.

"Lay down" he instructed, "I wanna see you".

Johnny's arms guided you to lay on top of him, your back to his chest. He kissed and caressed your head lazily while Simon spread your legs, sinking into you with a grunt.

You moaned loudly when you felt him entirely inside you again.

“Shh!” both of them reprehended you, and Johnny quickly covered your mouth with his hand.

"You wanted him to fuck you like this, huh?" he asked close to your ear and you nodded, unable to speak anything other than little moans that were muffled by his palm. Simon looked at you directly in the eyes, his face subtly contorting in pleasure with every little sound you made.

He pushed into you slowly, delighting himself in the warmth of having you wrapped around him. He tried to memorize the feeling of having your skin against his so he could dwell on it later.

Johnny uncovered your mouth to kiss you, moving his hand to hold you at your waist. The familiar feel of his tongue was both comforting and exciting, your lips searched for his with noticeable hunger. You didn't think you could possibly get more aroused at this point.

You rested your head on Johnny's shoulder, closing your eyes and feeling your body relax now that you've gotten more used to Simon's size inside you.

"Eyes open, love" Simon demanded, and you obeyed.

He kept his gaze on your eyes until he couldn't resist moving on to Johnny's anymore. They looked at each other for what felt like too long, Simon's thrusts into you got more intense, and it made you wonder if you were simply the vessel through which they fucked each other at that instant.

Johnny, who had his hands wandering around your body, now moved them from your breasts to caress Simon's chest on top of you, at first in shy quasi-accidental strokes, and then shamelessly grabbing at his waist, scratching nails on his back once he got a positive reaction.

He pressed his hand against the lower part of your stomach, right where you could feel Simon's cock attempting to tear you open with every thrust, you moaned into Simon's mouth as you felt Johnny getting hard under your body again. Your arousal was dripping down his crotch, his chest already wet from your sweat.

"Hm you're taking him so well, baby" Johnny whispered in your ear and you watched as Simon's eyes darkened at the sound of the words.

You’d lost track of time and sense of space completely. It was so unbelievably indulgent it almost felt wrong, as if you couldn't possibly be allowed to experience this much pleasure all at once in life.

You felt you’d reached some new sense of consciousness in which you did not belong to your body anymore, you've transcended into something else, something in complete harmony with them and their own bodies around you. You were certain for a moment that, if you tried or wanted to, you'd be able to read their minds and communicate without words.

The utter feeling of Love just invaded you in the form of radiating happiness, an epiphany planted in your heart, as if you had been stung by Eros himself and you felt yourself capable of reaching an orgasm without your body. All of a sudden the whole universe seemed to become clear and there were no questions you couldn't answer if you wanted, any doubt you had was gone, and any anxiety dissipated. You almost felt like laughing, relishing - for what was probably the first time - in the wonder of cloudless thoughts.

Simon dropped the support of his hands to his forearms, getting impossibly closer and resting his torso on top of you, the cold and metallic touch of his dog tags against your chest sent a shiver down your spine. Johnny’s hands moved from his waist to your hips, grinding you on top of his hardened cock in search of some relief, which was positioned between your ass cheeks.

You drunkenly intercalated kisses between the two of them, feeling absolutely in control until Simon locked your neck in place with his hand, choking you a little before placing a soft kiss on your lips. “Open” he demanded and you did.

He spit saliva into your mouth and, before you could swallow it, Johnny urgently pulled your face to kiss you, desperately licking your tongue.

"Fuck, Johnny" Simon grunted, digging even deeper into you, attempting to get even closer, making your toes curl. He leaned over and kissed Johnny, and you felt him instantly melt under you. His hands left your body to cup Simon's face.

They moaned into their kisses. You almost felt inadequate being there, as if you weren't supposed to witness that much intimacy, but the thought quickly died down when Simon's lips found yours again, leaving Johnny breathless, and he sealed you back into their little universe.

Your back arched when Johnny moved his fingers to your clit again, you barely needed any stimulation at this point, your legs were tense locked around Simon's hips.

"Come on, baby" Johnny purred in your ear "Let me see you cum all over his cock".

Almost as if on command, you did. The high building up in your lower stomach finally reached its breaking point and crashed into your body in waves of ecstasy. Simon moaned as he felt your entire body pulse and relax under him, he jerked faster into you and then quickly pulled out.

Johnny moved you away from him so that your back rested on the mattress with both of them towering over you, stroking themselves. Simon's eyes rolled back as he came on top of you, a heavy moan leaving his throat as he covered you with the warm gooey liquid that dripped from him.

The sheer sight of it, along with your little moans, was almost enough to get Johnny off immediately, and it only took a few strokes to make him cum again.

You watched them as Simon gently cleaned a bit of his own semen off of Johnny's abdomen with his thumb. He brought the finger close to his face in an offer, and Johnny obediently opened his mouth and sucked it off, receiving a pat on his head and a satisfied smile from his superior afterward.

You laid there exhausted while they cleaned you with tissues, getting little gentle kisses on your skin every once in a while. Simon turned you around on the bed and wiped a soft tissue on your face, removing the remains of mascara you had under your eyes.

It took you a few minutes to eventually get up and use the bathroom, Simon had one all to himself, which meant you didn't have to put your clothes back on.

When you came back, they were both still naked on the bed. Johnny was already asleep, a permanent smile stamped on his face, being only partially covered by the sheets.

"Come here" Simon whispered to you, and you gently climbed over Johnny's body to rest in the space between them.

Johnny sleepily arranged his arms around you, one over your waist and the other under the crease of your neck, his fingers reaching to caress Simon's hair.

Simon kissed your forehead. "This feels nice" he murmured, almost too quietly for you to hear. You looked up to kiss his lips again and rested your head on the pillow, wishing you wouldn't have to get up the next morning.

(now that this is out of my system I can finally move on with my life).

[badsassitude]

The Boyfriend: Watching Anxious Attachment in Action (Deep Dive Part 2/3)

These guys are living rent free in my head right now. I thought it might be interesting to look at some of the interactions on the show through the attachment theory lens… which means I will be liberally discussing Shun’s thoughts and feelings from the anxious attachment perspective as if I actually know what he's thinking. Disclaimer: This is a whole lot of speculation and interpretation. Since this is an analysis of a show with real people and not characters, I want to make it clear that I may be full of crap. The lived experience of real world Shun may be nothing like my interpretation of him from the show.

So here we go.... just why did he do that? The anxious attachment explanation!

In episode 2 Shun directly said he was afraid and wasn’t ready yet when talking to Ryota about his growing feelings for Dai. He said he wanted Dai to show him “it can only be me” and, in my interpretation, he needs that assurance of Dai’s feelings in order to allow himself to be vulnerable. Also notable in this conversation is his comment “I can’t help but wonder what he likes about me,” - as someone who’s parents abandoned him, he may believe didn’t even love him, it would be normal to question if he is worthy of love. Let's be real, he clearly has some self-esteem issues as evidenced by his belief that no one would write a letter to him (ep 1) and multiple comments he has made about himself throughout the first 6 episodes.

In that same conversation with Ryota (ep 2), Shun describes Dai as “sincere and kind.” He seems genuine and hopeful when he says that. Unfortunately, Shun also has a history of bad experiences and being hurt by “player types.” Seeing the pictures on Dai’s phone (ep 2) was a big trigger for Shun – both clearly reminding him of painful past experiences, and also starting that internal narrative if his own doubts and insecurities.  Suddenly Dai had something in common with people Shun has known in the past, and seemingly with at least one in particular who clearly hurt Shun badly.  It’s not unreasonable that Shun would start questioning his own judgment given that they haven't known each other long. It would be normal given his past experiences for him to question if Dai is really sincere in his feelings, or is he a player? 

The seeds of uncertainty were sewn, and now the dance of push and pull in anxious attachment really picks up.  This isn’t a low stakes gamble for Shun. He knows how badly he has been hurt in the past. He is at a decision point: ending things before they begin and miss out on the possibility of what could be, or take the risk and if it doesn’t work out face the pain.   

I think Shun is TRYING to trust Dai, that he wants to trust Dai, and is genuinely starting to like Dai. I think he is also afraid to let himself like Dai because he doesn’t feel secure, and he doesn’t want to fall for someone who may not be sincere and ultimately hurts him. I think the date in episode 3 is Shun’s effort to be more vulnerable. But he’s uncertain. In his mind he has room to doubt Dai’s sincerity, since he may be a player. He is uncertain he is worth loving (given his parents, never having been adopted, and his past relationships), so while he wants to be loved, he also has a hard time believing someone can/does love him. Shun doesn’t know what Dai actually likes about him - and here Dai is on the date telling Shun how important he is to Dai. I can practically hear the thoughts “I want to trust you, I don’t know if I can trust you. If I let you in, you might hurt me. You say I’m important to you, but what do you even like about me? How can I believe I am important to you?”

I think Shun is terrified, and after the date that fear and doubt spirals.  He tells himself all the reasons it won’t work. He pushes Dai away in an effort to protect himself. Meanwhile, he is clearly looking distressed and upset about how Dai will feel when Shun didn’t put him down for an overnight date (ep 4). I think this really reinforces that his behavior is about his fear, and wanting to protect himself, not about Dai. In fact for me, if Shun didn't like Dai, I don't think he would have been bothered or uncomfortable about not selecting Dai for the date.

Shun sets a boundary with Dai, communicates he just wants to be friends - that’s safer after all. Decision made, the risk is too big and it’s better to play it safe.  I’m sure he absolutely meant that…. And in his every day life that might have actually been the end of Shun and Dai.  But this isn’t their normal life, they are living in the Green Room together, and Shun doesn’t actually want to just be friends.  He’s afraid of being hurt so he’s put up wall, all the while deep down he’s hoping Dai will find some way to reassure him.  

With the continued close contact that comes with participating in the show, and the illusion of safety that comes with having set the friends boundary, Shun keeps engaging Dai.  Dai, who right now to me feels like the bestest best boy EVER, demonstrated the most amazing response to a boundary setting ever.  He accepted it, even if it was painful, and respected it.  He backed off – but he didn’t punish Shun or ignore him, instead he continued to engage in a friendly way and tried to let Shun lead.  Poor Dai during this time is understandably confused and frustrated at the mixed signals he’s getting. There is an irony in that by backing off but remaining engaged, Dai has now hit that sweet spot for Shun, where Shun is not feeling overwhelmed or anxious by Dai’s pursuit.  Shun seems to be feeling more and more comfortable, and he starts letting down his guard and getting closer to Dai. This allows his feelings to grow, and he starts showing that classic push/pull behavior that is so common with anxious attachment.  

The biggest problem in all of this is the lack of clear and effective communication about all of this heavy stuff.  It's not intentional at all.  Remember where this started?  Emotions are messy.  Discomfort is HARD to navigate, and sometimes we aren’t even clear with ourselves about our own complex thoughts and feelings and wants and needs.  I think Shun wanted to set and hold that boundary with Dai on a more conscious level – but I think deep down he is also that tentatively hopeful little boy wanting to be loved, but expecting to be hurt.  

Shun builds walls to protect himself, and grieves when he sits inside them alone. This is also a self-fulfilling prophecy, as being alone inside his walls acts as proof that he is not worth loving and that no one will love him, because the walls keep them out.  He couldn’t communicate anything other than what he did – which was the boundary, because the other stuff is either too deeply unconscious, or too vulnerable.

Dai, on the flip side, can’t know what Shun isn’t saying (and may not even be fully aware of).  He’s doing his best to dance to Shun’s tune and receiving different responses.  Shun wants to be reassured, but there is no real way for Dai to reassure him. It is impossible to connect with someone without being vulnerable, and being vulnerable means we can get hurt. That right there is Shun’s kryptonite in episodes 4-6. 

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Never Felt So Alone (20x05)

Man, Nick sucks so much as a character I cannot believe.

Cons:

I'm going to be a broken record about Jo and Link, but wow, I don't care about their relationship. This pregnancy scare is a cheap way to introduce a shot of lightly-comedic drama into their honeymoon period and I'm bored to tears by all of it. It's a shame, because I actually think both actors are really charming and funny, and yet when they're playing off of each other in a scene, I feel absolutely nothing. The idea of going through a Jo/Link marriage and babies story just fills me with a sense of defeat and ennui. Alex Karev I miss you so much.

I feel like the takeaway from this episode is supposed to be that Meredith is being unreasonable about the Nick situation, but... nah. Nick is a boring lump of coal and Meredith has a lot of trauma around the death of loved ones, and Nick should have called sooner. I just wish that Meredith had been settled off-screen with a less annoying endgame love interest. It feels like we've lost our chance for Meredith to find a new forever person on screen, because Ellen Pompeo isn't interested in doing that anymore, and fair enough, but Nick? God, he sucks so hard.

Usually I get really moved and emotional about the "very special episodes" that this show pulls off, about all manner of serious subjects. I have to say, I felt a little alienated from this one, though. There were things I liked about it, but the core of it, the med student Eddie standing on the ledge, with Simone and Kwan talking to him, just felt very... generic, maybe? It was a lot of standard talking points about suicidal ideation, without the magic of making every guest character come alive, the way Grey's usually pulls off. I don't know. I don't feel like it was terribly done, it just didn't quite grip me.

Pros:

I really liked Owen and Amelia spending the day working together. Their romantic relationship was always such a clusterfuck but I think they have the kind of friendship that really stands the test of time. They do a risky and complicated surgery to give a med student a chance to be able to walk again, and seeing them triumph and feel that thrill of surgery again together was really quite lovely! Also, when Teddy and Owen don't have hella drama going on between them, their relationship is perfectly tolerable. I liked the ending little bit where Teddy gets cleared to go back to surgery, and she and Owen are talking over logistics for picking up the kids, etcetera. Their energy together does work for me; I remember shipping them way back in the before-times.

Bailey and Ben are really the best long-term relationship on this show. I'm almost anxious about Station 19 ending, because if Ben hops back over to be more of a main character on Grey's, they might give them relationship tension and I don't want that! Ben calming Bailey down, the two of them talking about mental health and being there to support each other... this was the part of the suicide prevention plot thread that worked the best for me. Just these two married people having a frank conversation about being there to support one another.

Despite hating everything about Nick, I did like some of Meredith's stuff in this episode. Her being able to talk through her fear with Richard was really touching. Of course she has baggage and fears around specifically this outcome! Something totally survivable happening to someone in her family, but the potential of the hospital fucking it up? I like that now that Meredith has moved to Boston and she's only a part-time character, she really does feel like more of a mom. Not to be cheesy, but it's such a fitting way to wrap up the overall arc of Meredith Grey, given where we started with her, and all her own issues with her mother. I wish Nick wasn't the person she was having the conversation with, but I also liked her being willing to process her messy emotions and admit the harm she did to others because of it. Real growth for our Mer!

As I keep saying, I really do love these new intern characters a lot. Let's go through some of these stories really fast.

Jules and Winston! Jules is growing on me more and more. I love that she stood up to Winston, and that he admitted he'd been a grump lately. Her compassion and care for the people around her is so lovely, and she manages to seem like a really strong, pragmatic person all while having empathy off the charts. We love to see it.

Yasuda gets stuck with the unpleasant job of babysitting a bunch of drunk med students with minor injuries, and things take a turn for the worse when she learns from Schmitt that Helm kept her from an interesting surgery, and made her stay in the pit. We don't know the outcome of this little betrayal yet, but I'm interested to see their relationship get more of a spotlight, even if it is to work through a difficult moment! I loved Jules comforting Yasuda at the end using a technique her mother taught her. Their friendship is so lovely.

We get some insight into Kwan's relationship to his own mental health; I loved how he stepped in and talked to Eddie after letting Simone take the lead for so long. I think it's telling that in an episode themed all around connection and reaching out to people, Kwan didn't actually open up to Simone after that experience. He didn't go to Jules, or to anybody else, to talk through what had happened. We'll have to see if he's able to form those important bonds moving forward.

And as mad as I've been at Lucas for being such a dickhead recently, I did find the scene at the end with him and Simone quite lovely. It's not a fix to everything broken between them, but it's this moment where they're able to come together to comfort and hold each other. Simone definitely needed that after the day she'd had, and I like that Lucas was willing to put aside everything else and do that.

So that's all for this one. It looks like from the promo for next week that Richard is going to have some sort of freak-out or incident at work, and I'm... kind of already tired of seeing this story again. But we'll see!

7/10

[limeade-l3sbian]

I really need help with the whole morning paralysis thing. My psychiatrist keeps pushing anti anxiety meds on me but not only do they not work but they make me feel so like lethargic and numb.

I hate feeling like this. I waste 3 hours every morning just laying on my bed waiting for it to pass, people keep saying do yoga, move your body a little but like I can't???? I'm literally like paralyzed in bed, if I move my arm just to reach my phone I feel like there's pounds and pounds of heavy iron inside it.

I really wanna get better and I'm willing to do what it takes I just need to know what.

I'm not really a pro or anything so my advice is strictly based on what I personally do.

I think what helps me in these moments is both somewhat helpful but also uncomfortable. I ask myself what specifically I am anxious about. Because what I'm anxious about can vary at times or it can be the same reason. Either way, in situations where I HAVE to get up soon but can't move, I ask myself, "What am I afraid of today?"

Doesn't matter how big or small it is, it just matters that you address it.

What sticks out to me is that you say when you reach for your phone, it is like an extreme weight. But all this tells me is that you can move. It is laborious and feels like the most effort you've ever used, but it is possible. Because that feeling of "I can't move" is an unfortunate power of the brain. Good lord is that thing powerful. But it is possible! Your fear, the soundness of which is not being questioned, has literally debilitated you on a physical level so intense that you cannot move. But it has also deceived you into believing that you cannot do something you very much can.

I don't know the depth of your anxiety. I don't know the severity beyond this obvious hurdle. But something that helped me growing up with anxiety was facing the fact that something I was anxious about was going to happen. It's weird, but I used to get genuinely nervous about falling in front of people. I was scared to be perceived and when that perception came, it came with embarrassment of my clumsiness.

I grew up poor and always running out of time, it seems. Always on other people's schedules (parents, school, the bus, etc.). So to be honest, I was kind of forced to work through my anxiety because I couldn't afford not to. And this isn't saying anything about you. I'm saying this to say that my advice may sound so straightforward because I never really got the chance to ease out of it. But in a way, it really helped.

I don't want to lie and say "you're worried about nothing!" because honestly, the shit that keeps you frozen in place is likely very real. And I'm rambling a little so I'll say this: for the small things, you must know that they are just going to eventually happen. you are going to 'make a fool of yourself' in front of people, you are going to fall, you are going to drop something, you are going to misunderstand, you are going to make someone upset. these things are going to happen. and honestly, the more they do, the more you must tell yourself "i was okay the last time this happened. embarrassed but okay."

For bigger issues like fear of attack, impending financial issues, potential death of someone, etc..: All you can do is all you can do. Unfortunately, the world is kinda shit right now. And that's also important to remember! Are you unreasonably anxious, or are you responding to this current world around you the same way anyone would? You can only control your efforts. And this shit sounds generic as fuck but it's true.

I promise you, talking to yourself OUT LOUD about these things will hit you different. You might cry and you might even feel more anxious, but facing the things that are literally keeping you prisoner in your own body will not fix everything, but will help you start to reclaim yourself.

[aeoki]

Phantom Airship - Epilogue 2

Location: ES Meeting Room Characters: Hiiro, Aira, Mayoi & Tatsumi

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ< The next day. After the battle on the “Phantom Airship”. >

Mayoi: ………… *Glances around*

…N–No one is here yet. Did I remember the wrong meeting place? No, right?

Uuu. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t give a proper response regarding the audition, so they’ve grown sick and tired of me now…!

If that’s true, then I must have caused a lot of trouble to them all…

Aira: Oh, geez. Where did the courage you showed during the “Phantom Airship” go, Mayo-san?

Hiiro: You were able to confidently perform on the airship, so I don’t think there’s a need to feel your abilities are inferior at all.

You have many good qualities, Mayoi-senpai.

Aira: Yeah. Hiro-kun’s honest to a fault and he’s saying that, so have more confidence, Mayo-san.

Mayoi: B-But this is the real world – not a video game!

The others are real humans too. Naturally, there’s a possibility of me causing them disappointment…

Tatsumi: That’s exactly why we’ve come to provide support. Your worries are also our worries, Mayoi-san – please feel free to rely on us more.

Mayoi: T–Thank you… As expected of you, Tatsumi-san – I feel reassured just knowing you’re here with me. What did you eat to turn out like that?

Tatsumi: Well… I do enjoy ready-made food but I have a feeling that isn’t really related to any of this.

Aira: That’s surprising, Tattsun-senpai~ I’ve seen you have it pretty often, but do you like eating them a lot?

You’re part of “Gardenia” so I thought you liked vegetables most.

Tatsumi: Ahaha… I’m human too so there are times where I’d like to treat myself.

In any case, I understand Mayoi-san is feeling rather anxious, but Anzu-san isn’t someone unreasonable. I’m sure she must be having her hands full at the moment.

Mayoi: I-I hope that’s the case…

Hiiro: Oh, I can hear footsteps down the hall. They’re quite fast so Anzu-san must be running.

Mayoi-senpai. You should prepare yourself mentally now.

Mayoi: P–Prepare myself!? But I’m still not ready.,,!

Aira: Deep breaths, Mayo-san!

Mayoi: A-All right!

*Inhales, exhales…*

Anzu-san, hello.

I-I’m sorry for calling you to meet all the way here…!

Yes, that’s right. Anzu-san, we haven’t brought a close to our previous meeting, haven’t we?

Not at all, you say…? I-I’m happy to hear you say that.

Yes. It’s regarding the audition we discussed previously.

Actually, I’ve been thinking of accepting.

“Switch” provided a lot of encouragement – enough to make me think that I can change the world as long as I take one step forwards.

This may be presumptuous of me, but I began to believe in those words, so I’d like to try out for the audition.

You’ll give me your full support…? T–Thank you so much!

Thank you for coming today despite your busy schedule, Anzu-san!

………♪

Aira: Ehehe ♪ I’m happy for you, Mayo-san!

Hiiro: Indeed. We’ll be supporting you too, Mayoi-senpai.

Tatsumi: Now that it’s been decided you’ll be participating in the audition, let’s hold a good-luck party for Mayoi-san ♪

Mayoi: What? A good-luck party!?

Tatsumi: That’s right. It’s actually something the three of us decided to do if you were to accept the audition.

Hiiro: Indeed. And if you pass the audition, we’ll hold a congratulatory party or cheer-up party if you didn’t pass.

Mayoi: W-When did you all come up with this…? Umm, I’m happy with the idea but you don’t need to do such a thing for me, you know…?

Aira: You’re still saying that? We worked so hard for “SS” and the “Phantom Airship”, so you should have more courage.

Hiiro: You’re an important member of “ALKALOID”, so we’re all supporting you on your new challenge, Mayoi-senpai.

So this is a favour from us – We hope you can allow us to support you this way.

Mayoi: Everyone…

Thank you so much. I will wholeheartedly accept, then ♪

(...Ahh, who knew the world was so warm and kind?)

(Perhaps even a small step has the ability to change something.)

(I don’t have enough words of appreciation for the people around me who made me realise that.)

(It’s unknown how my audition will turn out, but I should start believing in myself first.)

(And if my members of “ALKALOID” or the others around me feel down or lose their confidence…) (Although I may not have much ability, I hope they’ll allow me to support them then…♪)

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ← Previous Chapter

[agenttommykinard]

long rant about how stressed I am at work and I'm writing this on the mobile app and can't find how to do the read more on this thing so apologies

my job is changing so much and it's so stressful for me and I'm having this year review on Tuesday and I'm just like, really anxious for it because I have no idea what's happening

my coworker is going to school (yay! I'm genuinely happy for her) and I feel like they want to change my schedule to compensate for that

but I have no benefits of this job, not even paid time off of any kind so one of my only perks is that I have weekends off and on Monday I can work with no interruption from customers

its my favorite day of the week at my job, I get so much done and I don't want to lose it

and I'm struggling because they changed a lot of how we do cakes now so I don't get to be creative anymore - I'm not learning anything new or being challenged

I've given up other job offers (with better pay and benefits) because I got to be creative! and I loved my work place environment!

but now both of those things are like, not there?

and I know my depression is really bad right now but I don't think I'm being unreasonable here?

or I'm like, working myself over nothing and Tuesday will be fine I just have no idea and I'm so unsure of everything I feel so lost in life? all I do is I just want to sleep

sorry I had to put this all down somewhere because I just need to vent

baking was my passion and I wanted to make this a career, it wasn't just a "job" to me

[chainedtothedarkness]

still worn out/stressed from yesterdays event i guess

parents of course getting into loud argument thereby triggering my anxiety while i was working, had to close the door to at least suppress the volume

and then of course immediately after theyre done mother comes to explain what happened and say how it's dad's fault

but it was literally just a misunderstanding on both sides , pm they're looking for a new door and dad took the measurements of what we had to compare it to one he was looking at online and mentioned that it was recommended to get someone from the place to properly check everything. mother said in response to that current prompt (of getting person to check) that dad should do whatever he feels is best. dad got upset because he took that be regarding the door choice overall and not that current prompt, and said how mother always complains that he doesnt include her in things and then when he does she says he should make the choice anyway, when she didnt even look at the doors yet. mother gets upset in turn because dad didn't tell her to come look at the doors, and she didn't know he had the pictures there on the laptop at the time. shouting ensues

after work dad came to me to explain his end and talk about how unreasonable mother is, saying that mother could've just come over and look at the doors then after he said that, etcetc.

as always neither of them can ever admit that they were in the wrong (or only very begrudgingly smallest admittance that couldve done differently but that's rare and Still insist the other was More wrong in turn regardless) and always expect me to take their side each, while i always have to be like 'well the other one thought...' and quite a few times i've just told them to their faces 'you're both wrong' but most times i have to relay what the other one thought/felt because they don't talk things out with each other only with me and i've always always had to play mediator/be the middleman

tbh they used to do it to sita too when we were younger, but sita would almost always just 'don't drag me into this i'm not involved' whereas yeah i always tried to reason things out instead because i could see objectively where each side was coming from

but the fact they pm cant do anything together without getting into some kind of conflict/bickering (intensity varies) and still both vent to me and expect me to take sides/not say they were wrong is fucking exhausting and i'm tired of it and i'm tired of them always fucking fighting over the smallest things i'm so tired

its funny bc i vented abt this a little while ago too (in february)

yesterdays argument was really loud though and really gave me a whole anxious meltdown while working of all times and i think im still fucking anxious because of it

why cant my parents fucking talk things out maturely . they always say how the other is unreasonable/doesnt talk to them and tell them whats wrong but they Both fucking don't and they always have to vent to me (its nice they trust me to talk about their problems but its tiresome when they dont take accountability) and im so so tired

[mlobsters]

supernatural s12e9 first blood (w. andrew dabb)

oh. i think i've read fic about them being in this prison, or the aftermath. obligatory i hate plotlines that get them arrested because it makes me unreasonably anxious

CAMP You just are. Now that’s not a threat. I don’t believe in torture. Doesn’t work. Oh, I’ve seen folks waterboarded, cut on. And they talk. Ooh, they do. But they never tell you what you need.

nice to hear because it's true and the show employs torture for information a lot and i also hate it

MARY [sighs] How did we let this happen, Castiel?

i mean, everyone made really bad and dumb choices. sam and dean, included. dare i say, contrived plot mechanics!

CROWLEY No. Do you know how many all-powerful beings have tried to kill them? CASTIEL Roughly, yes. CROWLEY As do I. I was bloody one of them. Sam and Dean? They’re like herpes. Just when you think they’re gone… Hello! The boys are back, leaving a trail of bodies in their wake. So wherever they are, whoever has Sam and Dean, well… In the immortal words of Lawrence Tureaud.. [imitates Mr. T] “I pity the fool.”

something oddly endearing/reassuring that crowley is so completely unconcerned about them being captured because he has that much faith that they'll end up on top

CASTIEL Six weeks, two days, and ten hours.

nothing like 40 years amirite

CASTIEL I saw it on the news and I thought, that’s the sort of thing Sam and Dean would investigate. They would roll into town, save the day, kill the monsters. But with them gone… I tried to work the case. I tried. [bitter little laugh] But… I don’t know what I did wrong. I… I asked questions, but maybe they were the wrong people, or the wrong questions, and I just-- I never found it. Never found the monster. Never even got close. And three more women died before I left town. Before I ran away. MARY So we go back. You and me.

i appreciate talking about this seriously, when cas tried hunting with them before it was just all a punchline. but hey, here's a thing that requires a lot of specialized skills and cas tried but couldn't figure it out. (where's the hunter network, ring up... garth? is he still doing that even with his werewolf family? get some backup) odd coupling it up with mary sounds like a good idea, cas.

well. they've surely piqued my curiosity on how they coordinated/arranged whatever this playing possum situation is

reminds me of that thing from a recent con with jared telling a story about when they first were auditioning for the show and he asked jensen how he got his eyes so big lol

the fugitive part 2 apparently. this is all so cheesy. having a hard time taking any of this prison plotline seriously but the show is trying to pretend.

SAM All right, so we got what? An hour ‘til dark? Which puts us at six hours ‘til midnight? DEAN That sounds about right. SAM Dean, we gotta talk about this. DEAN Okay, we will. All right? Later.

feel like usually the show gives us enough info to figure these things out but i have no clue what's up

MICK Wait, so you’re telling me what happened in Indianapolis was you took on the bleedin’ devil himself?

oh okay, now they're impressed? not at all the other equally impressive shit they did and they thought they should be killed for. whatever. i hate these people :p

s12e9 / s12e6

what happened to her side bangs? full bangs with this cut is kind of a weird combo

like a little purgatory larping

ok, the boys get to be badasses. moderately fun

jared's little rapid breathing and "don't" there weirdly impactful. like sam's stressed about the gun on dean - instead of playing it badass/cool

so they got me, i was feeling some of the vibes and then....

snort of disrespect. SO CHEESY.

ah, the mushy music is back for reuniting with mom and cas, but i think sam's clip is more important

wtf is going on, actually making me nervous with the car dying and sam's "it's time"

all right, a deal with billie. and "a winchester" dies, so mom's gonna offer up, right? i dunno what to say to this. billie was such a flat villain, like oh she hates them and can't wait for them to die. that was her one note. but then she helps dean out to get into the locked/warded house "you owe me", and then this. but i guess just offing her with an angel blade was an option? was she the boss after Death died? but taken out by regular means. whatever.

MARY Why would you-- DEAN We were already dead. Being locked in that cell with nothing… I’ve been to Hell. This was worse. SAM At least this way, one of us gets to keep fighting.

this should be horrifying and upsetting, but it was all so rushed together and knew that mary would jump in that i could be somewhat horrified at a distance but know it would be smoothed over immediately. also the montage of them in their cells did not exactly communicate "worse than 40 years of hell" feelings, so it feels also just in service of the plot machinations

CASTIEL What had to be done. You know this world-- this sad, doomed little world-- it needs you. It needs every last Winchester it can get, and I will not let you die. I won’t let any of you die. And I won’t let you sacrifice yourselves. You mean too much to me. To everything. Yeah, you made a deal. You made a stupid deal, and I broke it. You’re welcome.

good for you, cas. knowing the show, it'll turn out to have been a terrible decision but eh. and the way they're all looking at cas like, wtf bro made me laugh. someone who cares about... us?? and our contributions??? 🧐

[rossalotus]

Wallaby Love Stories - Chapter 1 - The Master

I feel the need to explain the purpose of this story so that if you decide to go on and read it you know exactly where you’re stepping into and what you’re getting.

I’m twenty nine years old and I moved to Australia from Brazil a year ago. In general I’m pretty much lame, I write in my free time, play tennis and am not at all adventurous. I’m dead frightened of cockroaches and call it the Brazilian way or just one of my paranoias, I’m obsessed with cleaning in an almost-Huxleian way (I shower once to twice a day, I can’t ever get into bed without showering first, I carry hand sanitizer anywhere I go and I get extremely anxious in crowded places just to name part of the length of this).

During my last year in Aussie I had a very bad experience at work with a boss who killed all my intellectual self-esteem, taking with it my self-esteem as a whole and my libido. When I moved here, I had only two friends: Both gay and both named Leo. I grew incredibly close to both of them, our bond now one of family but in January this year, one of them passed away out of an unexpected and unknown infection. He was 26 years old. He passed in the same week I got fired from my last job.

I said all of that because I need you to understand that although my last year has been shit to a level I don’t think I have ever experienced in my almost three decades of living, I’m now ready and willing to get my happiness back at all costs. I think I deserve that. When I say I want my happiness back, the first step was my new job (which I started two weeks ago and am very excited about), the second reconnecting with friends I talked only once or twice (which I've also started to do again) and the third is finding love. 

Let me be more specific.

Though I’m not religious at all, I come from a very catholic family where the unspoken rule is that a woman (and I have realized even a man) is expected to marry and have kids by the age I happen to be right now. Or even younger. People get worried about me and my singleness as if I were sick though I don’t find being single a problem at all. In fact, I kind of enjoy it way too much. Not in a club-oriented, fuckboy way but in a “I don’t owe anything to anyone” way.

Having grown up in that kind of family borned in me an unreasonable need to prove that being single was ok and they should accept it. Of course, I failed. They are not changing, and even if they decide they want to, it’s not my task to make them if you know what I mean. People change on their own or they don’t change at all. That said, in all those years of trying, I lost perspective of what really makes me happy.

Sure, I have no problem at all being single and I like it but that doesn’t mean I have to hate love. That doesn’t mean I have to run from dating like the devil runs from the cross (hehe the catholic references everywhere hehe) and that doesn’t mean I will keep on my bad attitude of doing so.

Once I realized my self-sabotage I decided to act on it and my sole barrier in this whole story became the writing thing. If you’re a writer you know as well as I do that writing takes time, takes effort, takes studying (and for some people takes a computer program with artificial intelligence but that’s a story for another day) and whenever I tried to invest time in dating I felt guilty, I felt like I should have been writing. 

Therefore, here is my solution: I transformed dating into a writing content-gathering exercise! Yes, that’s what these posts will be about. True love stories (or the search for them) from Down Under!

So, now that you know the purpose of this, let me get you a glimpse of the roadmap. I have downloaded Bumble and though I have thought of downloading other apps, I can’t really multitask so let’s stay with this one for a while and maybe increase the number as I up my dating app skill.

I didn’t know what to put on my profile so I went with the basics:

“Fifth grade jokes and good food

Born in Argentina but grown in Brazil

I’m a TFT Master as of now”

Let me stop the story to explain the last line and, in doing so, explain the title of this first chapter. It was supposed to be called “Chapter 1 - The Challenger” because love is a challenge blablabla you get it. Thing is, I’m a TFT player (TFT is the auto-chess from league of legends) and the TFT tiers go like this: Iron, Bronze, Silver, Gold, Platinum, Diamond, Master, Grandmaster, and Challenger. I’m still only a Master but maybe one day I’ll become a Challenger.

Back to the Bumble profile after the nerdness overdose.

I added five pictures: Two without filters, one with a reference to World Pride and one wearing a McLovin t-shirt. (So that people know as much as possible of the "real" me).

Show me: I’m open to date anyone

Height? 5’9”

Exercise? Active (not 100% true but whatever, I play tennis twice a week) 

Star sign? Pisces

Education? Undergraduate degree

Drinking? Socially

Smoking? Never

Gender? Cis woman

Looking for? Don’t know yet (because “the partner of my dreams, someone to share our short time on Earth with” wasn’t an available option)

My interests (select five): Anime, Cooking, Deep chats (hope people read this for what it is: gossiping), Tennis and Writing.

It has been six hours since I created my profile and let me tell you my first impressions.

There weren’t many women in my area (or the algorithm didn’t show them) but most of the ones that it showed me were too aggressive in their bios. “If you don’t know how to chat, swipe left”, “don’t wanna waste my time” and so forth. I sort of get where they are coming from but honestly it scared me. Do I know how to chat? I don’t know, do you? Is there really any time wasted when living? Me says no. That’s sad because some of those girls were really pretty but those bios were too much for me.

Point is: No match with ladies yet.

Not one fluid gender in my area. Go on androgynous gods, keep your secrets.

And then there’s guys. 

Guys in Australia have this thing where they don’t post a single picture of them alone and sometimes the pictures are always of the same group of friends. Buddy, how am I supposed to know which one you are? That said, there were some very nice bios out there. 

One guy said his job was “priest” and he had nice tattoos and we matched because luck is scarce but hasn’t vanished yet. Let’s see how the conversation evolves.

There was this one guy who had a Snapchat IA bio written “If you want to get a pepperoni pizza, I’m your girl”. I like my boys anyway they come, be it a gentleman or a baby girl, I’ll treat them all well. The conversation with this one didn’t last too much though, he wasn’t as funny and interesting to me as his bio and I probably wasn’t as interesting to him either.

Another one had a pretty smile, liked board games and he asked me about TFT. I hope the conversation flows but not sure if it will.

I had 11 matches but only the three people I mentioned replied to my messages. Dating apps are though, I forget it’s not like the movies where people start swiping and find the perfect person within the first five minutes but I hope to get a date this weekend so I can write about it because writing about swiping is about as fun as swiping and let me tell you: it isn’t fun at all.

[flyingjosephine-blog]

Right, so this is for the #alexbreaks100 celebration.

The amazing @cillmequick 's Lockdown Series has been my little obsession, lately, since discovering it by chance while on holiday. Alex, you deserve each and every follower you have, because your writing it's just so good!

I decided to go with: 👨🏻‍🍳 Banana Bread.

This little scenario has been playing on loop on my mind for a while and I just had to get it out. I have no idea of the result, but it was just soooo much fun writing it, whatever the outcome may be…!

Warnings: 🔞 smut, with a little bit of plot; use of sex toys; unprotected sex; mention of insomnia.

Author's note: I used to write when I was younger, but it's been a long while since then, so please bear with me. Plus, this is the first time ever I attempted to write smut, I just tried to do my best but I still feel very insecure about it (even more since there are so many incredibily good writers out there...!).

Disclaimer: English is not my first language, hope this is not completely unreadable. I proofread it at least ten times, but I'm sure there are still some grammatical and/or spelling mistakes somewhere in there...I'll find out just after I posted it, right? Because that's how these kind of things work!

❗️This is a completely fantasy work. No disrespect intended to the real Cillian or his family ❗️

Soundtrack: I have been obsessed with Coconut Skins by Damien Rice in the last period and I have been listening to it on repeat while writing this story.

Ok, enough rambling. Took me almost a week to find the gut and I am still nervous beyond words 😅, but here it comes...

Insomnia

Once again you couldn't fall asleep. Scrolling lazily through your phone, laying wide awake in bed, you were barely focusing on anything that popped up on your screen. Your eyes were watering, stinging slightly, but even though you could sense your body and mind being exhausted, still sleep wouldn't come. One of the many gifts lockdown was spoiling you with: insomnia. Huffing and restless, you changed slightly position under the duvet; your legs started hitching, your skin crawling like all the muscles in your body weren't able to stay still one more minute. You knew you had to get up, either you wanted or not, otherwise you'd be tossing and turning the very next moment, eventually waking up Cillian.

Right, Cillian. He, on the other hand, was sleeping like a baby, you noticed, feeling a sting of annoyance. The pale light of the streetlamp just across the road casted deep shadows all across his body, his bare shoulders scattered with freckles and his broad chest, evenly rising and falling. Seeing him so quiet, you felt like bitching and throwing a fit, even though you knew you were being completely unreasonable and irrational and it was none of his fault. But sleep deprivation can surely play horrible tricks on your mind and mood, you argued with yourself. You just wanted to get some rest, that was all you were asking for, honestly. To stop and feeling constantly on the edge, tensed and anxious and so fucking tired and sleepy, your mind clouded. Lockdown was a pain in the ass enough as it was, no need to add in the madness.

At least, after all Cillian and you got through in the last year, you had the chance to be with one another. And that was more than you would have hoped for.

Trying not to make too much noise, you threw your legs out of the duvet, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking out for your slippers, nowhere to be seen. Scout, you snorted internally.

“Love?” came a sleepy voice behind your back and the table lamp on Cillian's side flicked on.

Shit.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up”, you whispered, while he sat up, settling against the headboard. The complete silence you were experiencing those nights – no cars or people on the street, no teenager getting drunk below your windows or lovers laughing passing by – was unreal.

“Again?” he asked, keeping his voice low as well, though there was no real reason for it. He had been witnessing your insomnia for the past week and he was starting to get worried, seeing how bad it was affecting you, not only in the night, but during the day as well. Making you unsettled and cranky. Jesus, Cillian really must loved you to put up with you lately. You barely could stand yourself.

“Yeah. I'm sorry, babe. Really, go back to sleep. Don't worry, I'll be downstairs with a good book” you gently stroke his fingers, splayed on the sheets between you. He gripped your wrist, moving under the sheets to scoot over to where you were sat.

“Ei, don't be sorry. It's not your fault, but I think you really need to relax, love, and get some proper rest” he sighed, his eyes soft, looking at you behind those ridiculously long eyelashes of his. He kissed softly your bare shoulder. A small smile was playing at the corner of his lips and you caught a spark in his gaze, suddenly not sleepy anymore.

You tilted your head: “What are you thinking of, Cillian?”.

You wanted to sound annoyed, but actually it came out more amused than you intended for it to be. Lately, he was suggesting some quite funny shit to try and set you asleep. Some ethnic infusion he found online, that tasted like piss; a bubbly hot bath, smelling of cinnamon and vanilla, that resulted in Scout trying his best to get in the tub with you, making a mess of the bathroom; an ASMR playlist that made him nod off immediately, but, on the other hand, drove you almost crazy. How can people find some random noises relaxing? Impossible to deny, he really tried his best and you loved him for it, but still you were a bit wary to hear what was coming next.

The smile broke wide on his mouth, then, and he let go of your hand, reaching for his bedside table's drawer from where he retrieve a small white box. Although the box was completely plain, no sign or label, you immediately recognised what it was.

Oh, so that was what he had in mind. You felt yourself smiling as well.

“Well, maybe the time has come for you to try your new little toy...” he teased, raising an eyebrow, and you giggled. But the playfulness was immediately cut off by Cillian quickly gripping your arms and pulling you flat onto the bed with him again.

The main reason - almost the only one - you bought it was the feral look in Cillian’s eyes the second he saw it on your laptop screen. A friend of yours passed you the website's link, half as a joke, during an afternoon Skype Call you arranged just to kill time, and curiosity got the best of you. You hadn’t ever possessed or even used a toy, not by yourself or with any other partner. Not with Cillian either. And, truth be told, you never felt the need to. You probably would have not even thought about actually purchasing one that day, hadn’t been for the way he clenched his jaw and swallow a little too hard, asking you what you were doing, gaze fixated on the vibrator showing on the web page. And it was then and there you decided that maybe you could use a bit of a distraction during the tensed and excruciatingly slow lockdown days ahead of you.

Actually, you almost forgot about it, after it was delivered, having put the box away inside your walk-in wardrobe; and he had never suggested using it, either. But he must have been thinking about it, you now realised, seeing he had taken it and placed it in his drawer, within reach.

The vibrator was lean, not very thick, surely not as Cillian’s cock, and it had quite a peculiar shape, bulging on one side at the very tip. It was soft, silky almost, and a very bright pink in colour, with two little buttons on the white handle and a faint silicone smell. Cillian looked at it almost mesmerized and you could tell by the frown on his forehead he hadn’t ever used one too. But he seemed determined to make it good to you, so you just laid back and relaxed, slipping out of your nightgown in one swift movement, spreading your legs wide and feeling yourself getting wet at the mere thought of what was coming.

Cillian’s breath itched at the sight, spurring you on incredibly; you gripped at the headboard above you with one hand, letting the other slowly brush over your stomach. You felt so fucking powerful being on display like that and seeing what it was doing to him, his eyes darkening while he kneeled between your legs and gripped your thighs hard. Your fingers inched down.

“Don’t” he growled. This little game really was turning him on, you thought, a smile pulling at the corner of your lips, but you complied nonetheless, even though you were already aching for some sort of friction. It was always like that with him and it never ceased to amaze you: one look and you were ready to go. That craving for him never satiated, it seemed.

“Then get down to work, Murphy” you encouraged.

That was all it took. He turned on the vibrator, while hovering over you and gently nuzzling your lips, his soft hair tickling your face, before placing a soft kiss and licking your mouth slowly. He wouldn’t let you deepen the kiss, though, teasing you almost wickedly while at the same time running the small device inside your thigh.

Oh, that was fucking good. The low vibrations spreading through your skin and setting your flesh on fire, the sweet smell of him filling you senses and his warm weight engulfing you. You couldn’t imagine what it would be like feeling those vibrations, at last, on your cunt, hot and ready. But it seemed like Cillian wanted to take his time, savouring your small whimpers and gasps of anticipation, your mouth falling open under his lips and he quickly pushed his tongue inside, groaning, and devouring you with a sudden force and impatience, while all the same his hand moved still frustratingly slowly toward your centre. How he can be so focused and controlled was beyond your comprehension, as you already felt yourself coming undone, drifting towards the promised pleasure that was making your head dizzy and light.

You breathed deep through your nose, trying to slow down your racing heart, pushing your hands through his hair and kissing him back with the same unashamed need. A mess of ragged breaths, hot saliva and swollen lips. You opened your eyes to drown yourself into his blue ones, just at the same time he finally drove the vibrator on your core, sliding it between your wet folds and you could not stopped your hips from jolting suddenly and a deep moan escaping your mouth.

“Fuck”

“Feels good?”, his voice was so low, darkened by deep arousing, you heard yourself groaning again at the sheer sound of it.

“Fuck”, seemed the only word you could remember or utter in breathy whines and he smiled before tilting his head and latching his mouth to your neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses on your throat, drawing his tongue along the soft and sensitive skin there, where your pulse was running erratically.

His right hand continued to work the small tool through your folds, sliding it easily, coating it with your wetness and teasing your opening, while neglecting purposely your clit. You arched your back, bolts of pleasure exploding under your skin, running up your spine, coiling and boiling in you stomach. The new sensation so powerful you barely could get a grip of it, sparking so suddenly and so forcefully you could only try and go with the flow, not letting it drown you. Not yet, you thought.

He pinned your hips on the mattress with his other hand, his fingers digging into your soft flesh enough to leave a mark, stilling as much as possible your movements. You couldn’t push up, but you still could rotate your pelvis, grinding against Cillian's hand as much as you could, desperate for more. Your walls clenching around nothing, your swollen clit begging for some touch, some pressure, some...anything. The frustration was building fast. Was this his idea of helping you relax? Christ, he was driving you crazy.

“More, please”, you meant to sound convincing, instead it came out more like a pleading whine. You sensed his lips, kissing tenderly on your breasts, curl up a little. The little bastard. He may had not used a toy before, but he was certainly a quick learner and enjoying every bit of it. He bit down on your nipple, eliciting a small cry from you, and he stilled his hand.

“What?”, he asked in a growl.

Right, you thought, he had set his mind on killing you. So much was clear.

“Cillian”, you pleaded again. He wanted you to beg? God, you would beg. You were far past giving a fuck about decency or pride. His breath was ragged against your skin and he exhaled slowly, before returning to your mouth, kissing you hard and wet and getting back to where he had left, rubbing the vibrator's rounded head on your clit.

“Oh, Jesus”, you cried, your legs going tensed and closing around his hand, your back arching even more. There was no way you could keep this quiet, the sensation so foreign, so different and so damn intense you had to clench your teeth not to come on the spot.

He slowly, but steadily, slid the vibrator inside you, the stretch making you gasp and suddenly you realized why the unusual shape of its head. God, it was perfectly stroking your walls, hitting your g-spot on each and every thrust, drawing moans from your lips. Then he pushed one of the buttons on the handle, twice in a row quickly, and you felt the pulsations rising in intensity. Jesus, you could feel them anywhere, through your inner walls, spreading in your ass, in your stomach and your spine, all the way up to your nipples. It was so different from having a man inside you, but it was nonetheless so fucking good.

You gripped his shoulders to try and ground yourself, your head falling back and your mouth hanging open, gasping out of breath, your chest tightening.

Cillian stopped his ministrations on your neck to raise his head, casting his gaze down between your bodies where his hand was moving the device inside you, now faster and harder, the skin of your face and breast flushed, the muscles in your belly and thighs trembling. Your eyes following his, you saw his strong wrist between your legs, twirling gently, and his hard cock straining against his night pants. Even though you didn't think it was possible, the pleasure inside you grew even more. Each wave higher than the previous, stronger and deeper. It was consuming your body from the inside, like a hot fire spreading in your bowels and trying to find a way to surface.

Cillian's deep groan caught you off guard and you almost let go of your impending orgasm, rising so high in your stomach. He was drinking in every move you made, every sound you let out: the way you were lightly quivering, the way your skin was glowing in the pale amber light of the room, hot and sticky, the way your brows furrowed. He was so lost in savouring how your body reacted to the different pace he was setting, slower now, every thrust dragged out almost painfully, every soft inch of the vibrator stroking inside you, he barely realised he had shifted on his knees and was palming his throbbing cock through his cotton pants, trying to ease some of the tension. Fuck, he was out of breath himself. He could have got off simply looking at you, needy and lost in the pleasure he was giving you. You looked and felt so his, that he was enthralled.

You slid your hands from his shoulders, gripping his arms and then moving on, dragging your fingers on his chest, his ribs and lower on his stomach, scratching lightly your nails around his navel and the soft skin just below. You had to touch him. He quickly got the hint and abruptly stopped stroking himself, grabbing your wrists instead, forcefully. It would never cease to amaze you how his hands were big enough to take both of yours in one.

“No”, he protested, through uneven breaths “This is about you, babe”.

He flicked your clit with his thumb, his hand gone from your wrists, drawing small circles and increasing the pressure on each touch.

“Then...” you tried to say around a moan “I want to come around you”.

His eyes on yours, you saw his pupils blowing off, making them almost black and his jaw clenching. He had a hell of a self-control when it came to sex, you had to give him credit for that, but even Cillian fucking Murphy had his limitations. And you knew he was on the verge of the breaking point by the way he froze and took a deep, though shaky, breath through his open mouth.

“Please, I need you inside me. Now”, you pushed.

He, finally, succumbed to his own need, crashing his mouth on yours while sliding the vibrator out of your cunt. The sudden emptiness made you shiver, but was immediately replaced by the warm wetness of his cock's head pushing inside. Cillian's balanced himself, one hand each side of your head, before entering you completely with a swift movement of his hips. Buried entirely in you, he lowered himself even more, almost crushing you and trapping your body between his and the sheets. So fucking deep and not nearly enough. It was never enough with him, you were always craving for more: deeper, harder, faster, as you were constantly wishing one day he could just disappear inside you and you inside him.

You clenched your walls, as he waited for you to adjust, appreciating the small break himself. Fuck, he was so worked up already, he would have to take it slow if he wished to last more than a minute. You took the chance to run your fingers through his hair, longer than usual at the nape, and to pry his eyes on yours. He really was something else: flush spreading all over his chest, up his neck and on his cheeks, lips slightly open, swollen from all the kissing and nibbling, eyes dark and slightly hazed. You licked his bottom lips and he started moving, trying to go slow at first, wanting to savour the sensation.

But you had had more than your share of waiting, so you grabbed his ass, sinking your nails in his strained muscles and encouraging him to pick up his pace. He gladly obliged, while bowing his head to kiss and suck and lick your nipples.

Then it was like a fog descending on you and you weren't able to focus on anything anymore. You could barely distinguish whose hand was on your clit, or whose voice was the loud moan reverberating through the room. All you knew were the sweetness of the obscene sound your bodies made colliding and the spiral of delight running through you.

“Cill, I'm gonna...”, words strained in your throats, struggling to get out.

“Let it go, love. I got you.” he panted, sighing at the impossible tightness of you, fluttering around his throbbing cock.

He grabbed the back of your thighs, raising them and changing the angle of his thrusts, fucking you even harder, each stroke pushing him so deep you swore you could feel him in your stomach.

That was it: you came hard and fast, waves of pleasure and shivers coursing through you, moaning loudly something you yourself wouldn't know what it was – his name, God's name, who would have known? - and eliciting a seemingly endless stream of curses from Cillian's lips. Still he kept on thrusting hard, not relenting a bit, all through you orgasm and you were just coming down from it when you felt him tense, all of his muscles straining, and come inside you. Warm, so warm.

He stayed inside you a while longer, regaining his breath and waiting till your body stopped trembling.

Then he spooned behind you, engulfing you in his arms and resting his head in the crook of your neck, placing casual little kisses there from time to time. You laced your fingers with his, stroking lazily the back of his hand with your thumb and sighing contently; your eyes were drifting close, your whole body so relaxed you had a feeling that you were melting away.

“Better?” he asked, smugly and you knew, even without looking at him, he was smiling.

“Mmmh”, you mumbled, your capacity to form words long gone now, while he slipped one of his legs between yours.

“Well, now at least we know how to fight off your insomnia” he scoffed, nuzzling the soft spot just behind your ear.

And with that your world shut down, dark descending on you, but not before one last thought had the strength to cross your mind. You were one lucky bitch to have Cillian in your life; and you knew, deep down, he was there to stay for good.

[i-cant-sing]

An Accident

Yeah... you may have seen this before, earlier this week when I accidentally posted it. Anyways, this is a part 2 of the Todoroki clan being obsessed with reader's hair. So, um enjoy.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

Yandere Todoroki Clan:

Rei is obsessed with reader’s hair.

She’s taken such good care of it, and after years of hard work, your hair now reaches just around your butt. Your hair is healthy, thick, luscious, and cut into a smooth, U shape; of course all trims are done by Rei herself because she doesn't even trust professionals. And even though you’ve asked Rei on multiple occasions to cut it short, at least up to the middle of your back, she just wouldn’t, always saying that you’re being unreasonable. But you’re not; you’ve given her multiple valid reasons.

For example, Rei and Fuyumi do your hair themselves. And initially, they would let you choose whatever hairstyle you wanted, but now they pick one for you, saying they know which one will suit your outfit of the day better. Rei likes to do double buns, or ponytails tied with ribbons or just one high pony with a pretty big bow on the top of your head. Fuyumi on the other hand makes super intricate hairstyles, and while they look pretty, only you know how much pain your scalp is in. Fuyumi does your hair as if you’re her doll, yanking and twisting hard, saying that she needs to be this rough to achieve the distinctive braid patterns. Thankfully, Rei usually does your hair most of the time.

One of the main reasons you've begged Rei to let you cut your hair short is how much time she (and you) would safe. Since your hair is so long, it takes a lot of time for Rei to put in hair masks, serums, oils, etc. It takes even longer to wash and dry them out, and then style them as well. But she smiled oh so kindly, and told you that she doesn't mind. She looks forward to taking care of your hair, forcing you to sit between her legs for hours as she applies some expensive magic growth oil, ignoring how you didn't like this.

And even if your hair is curly naturally, like even 4C curly hair, Rei will have it straight as a stick in no time (don't bother telling her that you like it natural). But don't worry, its still quite voluminous.

Of course, Rei washes your hair herself, telling you that you’re simply not capable enough to manage it. (At least she lets you wash your body yourself.) And due to your hair being so long, it takes time to not only wash it, but also dry it. Rei will detangle using a wide tooth comb, starting from the bottom and working her way up. Then she’ll dry it with her cold breath, and if required, call Enji to dry your hair with his heat. You like it when Enji dries your hair, because he does it quickly and your hair becomes far smoother.

And its not just Rei and Fuyumi that are obsessed with your hair, the boys are just as fond of it as well. Enji likes to card his fingers through your hair while he’s working on some papers or listening to news, his warm hands always putting you to sleep in his lap. Its an adorable sight, gives him a sense of peace.

Shotou also likes to run his hands through your long hair, especially after a stressful day. The feeling of his fingers through your smooth, long locks, it calms him. And if he’s feeling extra stressed, then he might braid your hair loosely as well. He always wears a scrunchie on his wrist for you.

You wouldn't ever admit it, but you enjoy it when Natsuo played with your hair. Its like he can sense when you're having a headache. He'll have you sit on the floor while he takes a seat on your bed, and then his fingers will do their magic. He knows exactly where to put pressure on your scalp, and exactly how much force to use. His massages always relieve your migraines, and he always massages with expertise to ensure their is proper blood flow in your scalp.

While you are more than happy to let Natsuo touch your hair, you hate it when Dabi's around. If you didn't know better, you'd think he wants to rip your scalp off. He knows how much it annoys you, always pulling at your ponytails, tugging at your braids, even yanking it a few times when you ignore him. And you've complained to your family, but all of them say that "oh he's just playing around." Or "no, he just misses you. He's only teasing." And when you ask Dabi to stop it, he'll just smile and say "big brother privileges."

He's insufferable.

Everyone gets to play with your hair, but God forbid if you do. Oh no, apparently you'd "destroy it", as if you're not capable of managing your own hair. You're not allowed to open your ponytails because, quoting Rei, "you're yanking your hair. You're going to rip your follicles- baby, stop. Just let me do it." But you know that she does that because she wants to brush your hair with the soft, bristle brush before you go to bed. And somedays, Rei doesn't tie your hair in a bun or something, letting your hair fall, and it gets in your way, and even then you're still not allowed to put it up because "oh honey, your hair needs to breathe too. If you keep it in a pony, the band will leave a mark in it." Honestly, everyone finds it adorable when you're dressed in your little, fluffy skirt paired with a cozy oversized sweater, all mad and pouting, trying to blow the hair strands blocking your field of vision. Like a little baby.

While Rei looks at your hair and sees years of her hards work and patience, all you see is losing control over your own life. And you are. They decide everything for you, from the clothes you wear, the food you eat, and even things you should like and dislike. They choose when you should go out, what you should watch, when its time for bed. They disregard your opinions and feelings, and if you show that you're frustrated, then its means that you're just throwing a "tantrum", and you need to be put to bed like some cranky child. You've told them that they're too overbearing, but they always say that they just love you.

What kind of love is controlling?

They're so lost in their delusions, that they don't even see the deteriorating effects it has on you mentally.

Actually, one person did see them. Dabi.

He saw how much everything was overwhelming you, how you were near tears when they talked over you, made choices for you.

He felt a bit bad for you, just a tad. Mostly, he felt there was another opportunity to mess with you.

When Dabi came to bother you one night, tugging at your hair again, this time a bit harder than usual, he saw you were ready to cry. You didn't even bother saying anything to him anymore, just kept quiet and did your best not to cry. Of course, now he ridiculed you. Called you a little crybaby and used that annoying patronising tone with you. And just as he was about to leave, he said "if your hair bothers you so much, why don't you just cut it, you big baby?"

As if something had finally snapped in you, you let his words echo. Why don't I cut it? What's stopping me?

Was it because you had learned to just give in?

You didn't even realise you had walked to your bathroom until you were holding a pair of scissors. Which surprised you, because you weren't allowed to use scissors unsupervised. It was almost as if a sign from the universe motivating you to do it, and definitely not Dabi who left them on the sink.

Holding the pair of scissors in one hand and a chunk of your hair in the other, you hesitate for a second and wonder what will Rei do. But before you could stop yourself, you cut.

I'll cross that bridge when it comes.

You start low, maybe 2 inches above your hips. It looks okay, but maybe you could cut a little more. And a little more. And a little more. Before you know it, your hair is around shoulder length, in an uneven, chunky bob. Its not perfect, but somehow you feel much better. Like you’ve finally gotten some control back. Wiping your tears away, you ruffle your hair a bit, the cool air on your neck adding to the feeling of freedom. You feel normal, happier, peaceful. Things you haven't felt in years. And all because you had 3 am meltdown.

After you cleaned up the bathroom, you went back to bed, anxious how everyone will react in the morning. Maybe they won't care. You thought. Its only hair. My hair.

Everyone was waiting for you at breakfast the next morning, and to everyone’s surprise, Dabi had joined them as well. Rei was cooking up some eggs, while the kids chatted. Enji was suspicious of the mischievous glint in Dabi’s eyes, and it was filling him with unease. Just as he was about to question him, you walked in.

Everyone went silent.

Then Fuyumi let out an audible gasp, while Dabi chuckled darkly. Natsuo, Shotou and Enji looked at you with their mouths agape.

“Good morning.”you greeted them.

Rei, who was facing away from you, finally turned towards you. “Good mo-”Rei’s breath hitched, eyes blown wide, as the plate of bacon fell from her hands.

Its funny how everyone in the kitchen, including you, had the same thought at that moment.

What the fuck?

Taking a deep breath, you moved to sit in your usual spot between Fuyumi and Rei, but Shotou suddenly pulled you back and pushed you into the seat beside him. He knows his mother is in a better state mentally, but something tells him not to risk it. Fuyumi snapped next, quickly getting up and cleaning the mess on the floor while Enji pulled Rei, who was still staring at you in disbelief, to sit beside him. You remained indifferent to everyone’s stares, quietly eating your food. As soon as you were done, Shotou got up and quickly pulled you out of the room, Dabi following close behind.

They sat in your room as Shotou looked at your hair with worry. “Looking nice, doll.”Dabi chuckled as he plopped down on your bed beside you. “Thanks.” you mumbled. “Y/n how did- why did you- why did you cut your hair?” Shotou asked, still looking at your choppy hair. “Do you not like it?” you asked. “N-no I do. But what will mom say-” “Shotou, its my hair.” you snapped. “Yeah, Shotou.” Dabi mocked. Fuyumi and Natsuo soon joined you guys, worrisome looks on their faces. “Why did you cut it? Oh my god, do you even know how much trouble you’re in?” Fuyumi was freaking out. “Its my hair.” you rolled your eyes. They ignored you. “Okay, okay. Shotou why don't you stick around with Y/n for a couple of days? Fuyumi and dad will try to keep mom away from her.” Before Fuyumi could nod, you stood up. “No.”

Natsuo looked at you confused. “what do you mean “no”?”

“I mean no. I don't need Shotou to babysit me. I can handle myself.” Fuyumi walked towards you, reaching her hands for you but you backed away, “Y/n, sweetie-” You cut her off ,“Stop treating me like a child.”

Shotou spoke this time, “Its for your protection-” “Protection from who? Our mother? Why?”your words dared them to say the truth. To agree that Rei was unstable. They didn't say anything.

A few days had passed by and things were returning to normal. Almost normal. Rei still had this thousand yard stare when she looked at you, but she never said anything. Cutting your hair was the best decision you had made, because not is it only easy to manage, but it also got the family off your back. Rei doesn't wash your hair anymore(although you think she's just not over the shock), Fuyumi doesn't need to do your hair, they dry faster, and all of your brothers (including Dabi) doesn't mess around with them anymore. Enji was the first to adjust to your new cut, he even complimented you one day.

Did you feel guilty because you know how attached Rei was to your hair? A bit, but then realised that you needed this. You need some control over your life, and if this is how they react to your new cut, then maybe you could start taking back reigns over other aspects of your life as well.

You thought that maybe Rei had finally gotten over it a week later, when you were laying in the bathtub, enjoying the hot bath. When you heard her walk in, you were a bit startled. Why was she here- is she finally over it? "Um- hey." She smiled at you. "Why are you here?" She took the bath stool and sat behind the tub. "You know why." She replied and started rolling her sleeves up. Is she here to wash my hair? "Oh, are you here to wash my hair? I don't need help with that anymore now that they're short." Rei smiled again, this one looking forced, before dipping her hand in the tub. "No, silly." And with that, Rei froze the entire the tub in 2 seconds. The ice trapped your limbs, and reached up to your clavicle. The sudden change from hot to cold had you jolt, but you couldn't move due to the frozen ice. "Mom-!" You heard the buzzing sound of a trimmer and then felt Rei entangle her fingers in your hair to yank your head back. "I'm here to complete your haircut." You tried moving your head but her grip on your scalp was unrelenting. She started trimming the right side of your head, moving it slowly as to get every single hair. "Honestly, you should've come to me. I do agree that it'd be a good idea to start again." Tears fell from your eyes, your teeth chattered and you could feel your heart beat slow down as the cold seeped into your bones. "M-mom, I'm col-d. P-please s-stop..." Rei was done with one half of your head. "You know, I read somewhere that your grows thicker if you cut it. I'm sure that after I've shaved your head, your hair will grow even fuller. I've already gotten some new oils and hair masks! Maybe we could do them together." You couldn't hear anything besides the slowing of your own heart beating. Your breath had started to become shallow, you couldn't think about anything except for how painful ice could be. Your lips were turning blue, eyes were getting clouded with black spots, all sensation from your body was losing. Just before you lost consciousness, you heard the bathroom door open and a panicked yell.

You felt warm.

When you came to, your entire body felt warm and weighted, probably due to the heavy blanket spread on you.

Opening your eyes, you found yourself in a dimly lit room. It was...your parents room. Why am I here? You turned your head to look around but your eyes stopped at the large figure sitting on a chair next to your bed.

"Dad?"

The figure's head snapped towards yours. "You're awake." He paused. "How- how are you feeling?" You moved the blanket off you, your body felt dense and ached. "Warm and...sore. What happened? Why am I in your bedroom?" Enji shifted in his seat. "I think its best if you stay here from now on, so that... your mother and I can look after you." Your eyes widened. "What? Why?" You moved to sit up but then a pain shot through your head. "Ah shit." You hissed in pain as you went to massage your temples but your hands halted at the feeling of your hair... or lack there of. You tried to run a finger through your choppy bob cut, but all you felt was your shaved head. Your eyes met Enji's, looking at him in disbelief as you recalled the events that had led up to this. "Darling-" You jumped off the bed and ran towards the vanity mirror, praying that this is just a nightmare. But as you looked at your reflection, you realised that this was the terrifying reality you were living in.

Tears dripped from your eyes as you took in your appearance. Trimmed- no, shaved pink hair. You couldn't see a single bit of hair above the roots, only a baby pink scalp. She had not only trimmed your hair first but then also proceeded to shave your scalp off. Your head looked like it had peach fuzz.

You couldn't bring yourself to look away, not even when Enji placed a hand on your shoulder. "Y/n-" He didn't even what to say. He was still in shock from what would've happened if Fuyumi hadn't yelled for him when Rei was-

Enji shook his head. Now's not the time. You're here and you're fine. You're fine. Enji pulled you towards him, burying your face in his chest as you cried. "You're fine." He repeated, more to himself than to you. "Why- why would she do this?" Your voice was muffled by his chest but he understood. He understood your pain and it tore him apart that he still wouldn't be able to help you.

Enji honestly didn't know what to tell you. He didn't know what words would bring you comfort. "It... it was an accident." His chest rumbled as he spoke. You pushed yourself away from him as you looked at him perplexed.

"What?" Your eyebrows raised, nostrils flared and blood rushed to your face. You were going to blow up.

"An accident? Is that what you said? Oh okay. Was it an accident when she froze the fucking tub? Did the trimmer accidentally fall from her hands to my head?! Oh and did she accidentally pull the razor over my head?!" Angry tears fell from your eyes but you were far too enraged to care.

Enji opened his mouth to say something but he was cut off by the sound of the bedroom door opening. Turning around you saw her.

Rei was standing there with a tray of food and water. Her face turned to shock before turning to happiness. She set the tray on a nearby table before she rushed towards you, her hands reaching for your face.

"Angel, you're awake-" you pushed her hands away roughly as you backed away from her.

"Dont you dare touch me."

The couple, they had never heard your voice such hostility. It wasn't like you. Rei shook her head as she tried to reach for you again, taking another step in your direction. But you smacked her hands away again. "I said don't touch me!" Your yelling had got your siblings to rush in the room, wanting to see what the commotion was about.

Rei's eyes shifted from you to Enji, looking at him for help, before they returned back to you. She took a deep breath before speaking. "Y/n, darling. What's wrong?" You scoffed at her soft tone that tried to quell the storm of negative emotions bubbling inside you. "What's wrong? What's wrong? I don't know, you tell me, Rei. Why the fuck am I bald?!" Your head was pounding with rage, raw unbridled anger.

When Rei didn't say anything, Fuyumi stepped forward to help her out. "Y/n its-"

"Shut up."

Fuyumi's- everyone's eyes widened. Of everyone, you never even rose your voice at your favourite sibling. But to hear your voice turn so cold towards her, it shocked everyone. "Y-Y/n-" she tried again but you cut her off. "I said shut up. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Rei and she'll answer for herself."

Enji placed a hand on your shoulder, pulling you back slightly. "Have some respect. She's your mother-" You yanked your shoulder away from his grip. "No, she's not!" You inhaled deeply, trying to stabilise your voice. "No, she's not. You're not my dad. I'm not a part of this family. And I'm so sick of playing this game."

Dabi's eyes narrowed. "Stop being an ungrateful brat. You've been given all the luxuries one could only imagine, spoiled to no end-" You laughed. "Did I ask for anything?" "You never had t-" "And all these luxuries that you're talking about, I didn't get them for free. I had to give up a lot. No, wait-" you laughed again, tears blurring your vision. "I didn't give up anything. You all took it. Yeah, all of you snatched everything away from me. My family, my friends, my privacy, my sanity, everything. And you-" you moved towards Rei, pointing a finger at her. "You have been the most greedy one of them all."

Rei's jaw fell open, as she shook her head. "No-" You shook your head.

"Yes! I gave you everything. I let you dress me up in those god awful clothes, feed me whatever you wanted, stick to your side like glue because you don't like it when I was out of your sight for a more than a few minutes. For fucks sake, I didn't even go to college this year because you weren't ready to see me become an adult!" You ran a frustrated hand through your hair. "I played into your sick little fantasy. I let you treat me like a child, talk to me like I'm some helpless baby. I let you touch me even though it disgusted me to no end. I never even complained when you gave me ice burns because I was throwing a tantrum." You looked at the rest of your family, and they were shocked to hear that last bit. You smiled cruelly at them. "Yeah, you didn't know that did you?"

Rei was crying herself by now, as she reached out for you once again but you moved away. "I let you have everything. All I wanted was this little bit of freedom, for my own sanity. But you couldn't stomach that could you?" Your head hung low, your tears hitting the floor.

"Why do you have to be so selfish?"

Your voice held so much pain and defeat. Rei couldn't help but engulf you in her arms, wrapping herself around you tightly before you could even protest. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" She cried out. "I- I promise I'll fix this! Yes. I-I've already gotten you some new hair oils! They say that they'll help you grow 6 inches in a month! Oh and Natsuo also brought some stuff for hair growth! Some vitamins and- Natsuo whats that spray called? Minoxy? Mi-minoxidil! Yes! He said that'll help you grow your hair in no time! Doesn't that sound nice? You'll have long hair like before!" Rei pushed back to look at you. You couldn't believe it.

"Are you- are you really that delusional?" Your voice was so soft, almost like you would break any moment now. "Are you so blind to see what you're doing to me?" Your eyes held so much pain and confusion. "Sweetie, don't worry- mommy will take such good care-" You pushed Rei away from you, your anger rolling back in full speed. "YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!" You shrieked. "Y/n-" Shotou tried to interject. "I'm not a part of your fucking family."

Enji stepped towards you. "Calm down."

You looked at him. "You said that what happened was an accident. What will you do if another one happens? And you're not around this time to save me? Hmm? What will you do? Continue playing house with my dead body?!"

Rei's sobs shook her body. "Shut up. Think before you say stupid shit like that." Dabi spoke this time, moving to stand between you and his mother. "Or what? You're going to hurt me? More the reason why all of you, but especially you-" you pointed at Rei "deserve to be in that nuthouse-!"

You were on the floor before you could even process what had happened. Had you- had you fallen? But when the searing pain of the burn on your cheek came alive and you looked at his hand that had erupted in blue flames, you realised what had happened.

Dabi slapped you.

"Y/n!"

Your cheek felt like someone had placed a hot iron on it, the sting spreading to your entire cheek, but you were far too shocked to care about the pain.

Dabi slapped me.

Shotou, Natsuo and Fuyumi quickly rushed to your side, picking you up and out of the room, while Dabi stood there in stunned as his own hand throbbed. The image of his handprint branded on your scared face wasn't going to leave his mind anytime soon.

Enji hesitated, looking at his wife and son in disbelief, before leaving the room to look for you.

Rei walked towards Dabi and smacked his arm. "What did you do?!" She yelled at him. He opened his mouth to explain but nothing came out.

"She's your little sister, Touya! W-why would you do that?!" Rei scolded him.

He hurt you. Like Enji hurt Rei.

He hurt you.

Rei sighed before closing her eyes and engulfing Dabi in her arms. "Its okay. Its not your fault." She rubbed his back soothingly. "It was an accident, wasn't it?"

Dabi wrapped his arms around his mother, burying his face in her neck, before nodding.

"Yes. It was an accident."

So... how was it?

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFJ. I think everyone hates me because there are a number of people out there that don't like me, therefore I think people close to them also hate me, and people close to those to the second round of people also hate me. I may or may not have given a reason to the first round of people (I wouldn't know, they just blocked me without any explanation 2 years ago, and people that get too close to them stop talking to me), and I live in a small town. How do I deal with this?

Because being a small town, everyone is related to everyone in some sort of degree. I try to be the best version of myself everyday and I am most certainly am better than I was today years ago. I am constantly taking responsibility for every single time I've been a dick or that I was incovenient - which means taking responsibility for every time I was not a good person, didn't know how to socialize, or was correctly judged by my actions. I was also in an abusive relationship for a year with someone who used to tell me that to know me personally meant not liking me.

Now I am afraid to socialize, meet new people. I know it's contradictory, but what if I haven't changed at all (despite taking action to change in therapy)? What if I am exactly what the group who blocked me think I am (I do not know what it is), or if I am someone not likable? I have feedbacks from a few people that I am nice to be around, but I am socially anxious too so I mostly socialize online. Maybe this is a Fe overindulgence about what other people think and Ni's struggle to be perfectly acceptable? How do I fix this? I know what kind of person I want to be and I've been making progress, but what if progress is not enough and people still judge me?

*********************

There are several issues to unpack:

1) Willingness to Change: You admit that some people may be justified in their negative opinion of you because you were not always being your best self in the past. Since then, you have sought out therapy, in hopes of bettering yourself. That's a good thing. You're trying, but that doesn't mean immediate success. Many people have an oversimplistic view of therapy, as though it's some kind of magical cure to all your psychological problems. If you're not 100% cured in x amount of time, then "it didn't work".

Therapy is about having an objective and knowledgeable person support you in your endeavors to better yourself. Self-improvement is necessarily a very gradual process because psychology is very complicated and it can take a long time to unravel and undo all the bad habits and patterns you've learned over a lifetime. Progress is incremental, which means that the changes you experience may not be perceptible to you at first, because they are small. But they are still significant and adding up to something larger down the road.

The point is to persist on the journey of change until the changes are perceptible to you. Sometimes, the changes are perceptible to others first because they have a more objective view of you.

2) Public Opinion: Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one and they usually stink. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but it doesn't mean their opinion is accurate. You should only trust someone's opinion when it is reasonably well-informed. Why would you trust the opinion of someone who doesn't know what they're talking about? If you decide to do that, then, yes, your Fe is out of control and taking everything to heart for no good reason.

I'm not gonna lie, once established, public opinion is difficult to change. Apologies and atonement are necessary for you to resolve negative situations and start moving forward. However, apologizing and atoning doesn't entitle you to forgiveness. It's unreasonable to expect people to just forget the past at your request. The harm you've done to people cannot magically be undone with a few words.

When people have already formed an opinion, they will need to observe A LOT of counter-evidence to change it. Actions speak louder than words. The best you can do is live your life well and hope that your actions speak for themselves. Show people the proof of your change and they will start to see it, in time. Those who refuse to see it may just be determined to hate and there's not much you can do about them, because it's their own problem.

3) Your True Intention: Who are you changing for, yourself or others? Undertaking self-improvement for your own well-being means that your focus is mainly on yourself and the intrinsic rewards of change, in which case, the opinions of others shouldn't really factor into your process, except as a way to get constructive feedback.

But if you're actually unconsciously undertaking change for others, to try to impress them and change their opinion of you, you are less likely to succeed in self-improvement. Why? Because your actions will not be genuine. You will be too tempted to put on a performance, be too self-sacrificial, or become perfectionistic just to get validation from others. Just remember that people who are already primed to dislike you are also primed to see your inauthenticity.

Ideally, you want to improve yourself for the right reasons. You want to conduct your relationships in a healthy and ethical manner because it benefits both you and others.

[xxtoothachexx]

a/n: I’m currently bleaching my hair to dye it and to desperately ignore the itchiness I’m writing dumb stuff once again. don’t bring up the fact I didn’t include nezuko I barely can write something simple for her

I’m incredibly invested in animals so this was fun for me to do

Pet HCs for the Demon Slayers

Tanjiro

As much as I want to just say he’d get a dog or some normal pet I think he’d absolutely adore a rabbit or some small rodent

He loves it and takes absolutely phenomenal care of the rabbit. It’s just as nice as him and everyone else also adores the rabbit, but it doe have an issue with biting people he doesn’t like

Zenitsu

A very small hamster that he insists is his emotional support despite being as equally anxious as Zenitsu is

It likes to hide in his sleeves or his hood whenever he’s doing work or just hanging out with the hamster

Inosuke

A boar, no I will not explain why

No one knows how or even when he got it. It just showed up and no one has any idea of what to do about it. It will not leave

Kanao

She ended up buying a random hermit crab she felt bad for at a store and ended up falling in love with it

Soon enough she ended up having a whole ton of hermit crabs but she enjoys helping them pick new shells to move into and caring for them

Shinobu cannot keep track of a single one of their names but Kanao somehow can

Genya

Very big bearded dragon vibes coming off of him

Probably gave it some really cute name and takes very good care of it, he likes to let it rest on his shoulder while he does things

Sanemi isn’t allowed to take care of it because a cricket ran up his sleeve while trying to feed it and he never wants to step foot in the room again

Rengoku

The biggest and fluffiest golden retriever you’ve ever seen in your whole life, and it’s just as full of energy as him

It doesn’t have the best training though and has even taken out Tengen jumping on him when Rengoku didn’t put the dog in a different room while opening the door

Shinobu

She would absolutely love orchid mantises and would probably own an unreasonable amount of them. They’re just so pretty and look like little flowers

Other than that she’s probably owned frogs in the past. Her favorites were little poison dart frogs because she’d mortify everyone when she’d just pick them up bare handed

(fun fact w/ maxx: captive poison dart frogs are non toxic because they don’t eat the same insects in the wild that make them toxic!)

Sanemi

Never really found the interest in owning any weird or exotic pets, most of them freak him out or make him uncomfortable

Over the past few years he started adopting senior dogs from shelters to give them a proper home in their last few years and he has a major soft spot for them 🥺

Someone pointed out sanemis beetle I’m kind of an idiot that I forgot it lmao

Tengen

The most annoyingly pampered and spoiled small dog (I can’t decide between a toy poodle or dachshund and idk why those two come to mind)

Bedazzled collar and cool little accessories and all that. It constantly will be looking at others with the most unapproving glare ever

Giyuu

Of course he has cat owner vibes but I feel like he’d own another animal. He has a small and quiet little cat though that he talks to

He bought a tarantula for the sole reason of being able to tell others that it got out so that they’d leave his damn house when he wanted them to

Muichiro

Has co-ownership of a tiny betta fish that Genya helped him win at a festival. He has co ownership because he keeps forgetting to feed it and clean it’s tank

Despite that the fish is surprisingly resilient. It’s launched itself out of its tank on multiple occasions and survived fine till someone found it but heaven forbid Muichiro be ten minutes late to feeding it

Mitsuri

Absolutely another cat lover. Accidentally created an army of stray cats that cry at the front door to be fed every morning. They’re all kind of scraggly but she loves them regardless

Her favorite is an old one eyed calico that Obanai took one look at and named Pirate, she’s very sweet

Obanai

Kaburamaru and a love for snakes is a given for him. He likes ball pythons the most because they’re very sweet and cute!!

He’s had a blue tongue skink for a while too, but he also hates bugs so he makes other people get the insects to feed it (he can suck it up and handle them on occasion)

Gyomei

The absolute chunkiest grey cat you’ve ever seen in your life. It meows a lot to greet him and let him know where it is around his house

It has a habit of walking through people’s legs and causing them to trip. It will do this to everyone but Gyomei