#its just been hard bc i feel such an insane pressure to ONLY do stuff that brings in money

[eirian]

what do you MEAN in order to get more commissioners i have to actually post my art

[nevernonline]

hihi! its the anon that requested the 14th member in another gg and performing a sexy concept!! i loved the ones u wrote recently and i was hoping (pls dont feel pressured to do it!!) of u could continue with the rest of the members. ur writing is so nice btw🫶

bubu, hi!! yes, ofc!! it's sort of long bc im insane, but thank u sm. ily. (srry this took so long lmao?) 🖤☘️

svt reactions to member and their gg and their sexy debut concept (cont.):

wonwoo: 

Wonwoo was always somewhat of a protector for you. He took it upon himself to shield you from the bad side of being an idol. Comments, questions, people trying to get in your pants. It’s common for a female idol to be burned in the spotlight, especially when they’re around 13 guys a lot of the time. Between dating rumors, fans' assumptions that you HAD to be hooking up with at least one of them, he always shut it down even before you or the company had the opportunity to do so. The night of your debut showcase the company threw a small album release party, family only which included a lot of the members from various groups between pledis and hybe. Your group's videos and concept were plastered playing on the large LED display, which was catching the eyes of some male company staffers and idols. Wonwoo was sitting across the room from you, watching as people praised your hard work and talent. He didn’t think much of it until someone asked him if they thought you’d give them your cell phone number so they could ask you on a date. He wanted to tell them no for you, but figured you should be able to fight that battle yourself so instead he beat him to it. A text pinged in your phone from Wonwoo telling you to meet him outside on the patio just so he can congratulate you, instead of just asking you out himself. Not just as friends, but much more.

jihoon: 

When your team manager and the ceo sat jihoon down for a conversation, he definitely did not expect to be asked to help produce a song you wrote for your new group's debut ep. He would have done it in a heartbeat even without the company’s executives praising him and ready to bed for his music expertise. He was always willing to work and help out a friend. When the day came and you stepped into his sacred studio space, he was nowhere to be found, you’ve been in the light colored room often, but never alone. You took your time getting comfortable on his couch, playing with your phone while you awaited the arrival of your close friend. When the door alarm buzzed and unlocked, revealing Jihoon and his arms full of snacks and sodas for you both to enjoy.  “Sorry I'm late, I tried to text you but I left my phone in here before stepping out.”  “No worries, Hoonie. Is it just us then?”  “Yeah, everyone’s a little busy today. That’s cool?”  “Obviously. So before we get started should I tell you the concept?”  “That would be helpful, y/n.”  Jihoon was always a jokester especially with you, it was easy to play around with him.  “So, well, okay. It’s basically a song about seducing someone, we’re trying a sexy siren concept.”  Taken a back slightly, Jihoon couldn’t recall ever having to be sexy or seductive in a concept before, even as trainee’s when the company had you do battle of the sexes.  “Do you have some lyrics?”  “Yeah, here.”  ‘Fear not my temptation, but deliver me from the thoughts in my own head. Using my voice, I’ll promise to make these boys wind up dead.’ “So you’re basically using boys as playthings and then killing them, praying mantis style?”  “Basically, yes.”  “Want to hop into the booth and try some stuff?”  Hopping up from his couch and placing the heavy black headphones on your ears, a sultry piano and bass riff played. You sang the lyrics both you and Jihoon were coming up with on the spot, not realizing the way you were swaying under the pink lighting of his booth. Touching your body slightly, getting into the groove of the song.  “Uh, y/n?”  “Yeah?”  “Can you stop moving like that? I mean I like it, but it’s a little distracting.”  “Oh my god, sorry I didn’t even know I was doing that.”  “You’re lucky you’re cute.”  “So the seduction of the song is working, is what you’re saying though?”  “A little too well.” 

seokmin: 

Seokmin was the most supportive friend you could ever ask for. He wasn’t shy to tell you how amazing you did while performing or how beautiful you looked in and out of your stage costumes. When he took his seat next to the rest of the boys in the glass box of the arena for your debut showcase. He wore the merchandise and clung onto the picket with your face on it out of anticipation to actually get the opportunity to watch you perform without him. As soon as the lights went down on the stage, the crowd began cheering your fan chant, he studied their words and joined in himself, forcing the rest of your team to do the same. The pitch black room filled with screams made his heart pound fast. Why was he so nervous? You came into his view, the bright stage lights bouncing off of your glowing frame, he noticed your smile as the song began to play. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you, he watched your interactions with the rest of the girls, the fans, and even the sneaky look up to him. He truly felt like your fan girl, singing along with you, dancing the choreography, and shouting your name louder than anybody in the room. The rest of the members tried to get his attention, but he was so intoxicated by watching you that he didn’t hear them. His fixated gaze on you had others watching him watch you. When it was all finally over, Seokmin couldn’t leave his seat for a good five minutes, his heart was beating faster than it should. The guys pulled him backstage to congratulate you. His hands were sweating now, pulling up to your door. Seeing you open it, now in a matching gray sweatsuit, halfway done with taking your makeup off. You hugged the various members and saved Seokmin for last. Whispering in his ear how grateful you were for him. The rest of the guys sat around teasing your biggest fan, laughing at the videos they took as he watched you. You caught a glimpse of his face, a pretend smile clearly embarrassed for the things they were saying.  “Okay, guys I’ll meet you at the restaurant. I’m going to take a shower and I’ll be there soon.”  With various goodbyes and see you laters you tugged Seokmin back into the room.  “Wait. Hold on, mister. You okay?”  “Yes, I’m good. I’ll see you at the restaurant, y/n. Good job.”  “Stop it. I could tell you were embarrassed by them. Why?”  “Not exactly, I guess I should’ve been more careful how I was reacting out there with all your fans. If they have those videos then someone else does too. I’m sorry.”  “Why are you sorry? Those are the sweetest videos ever. You looked so happy, Seok.”  “I feel like I embarrassed you or something.”  “You? You could never embarrass me. I love you. Wait here? Come to the restaurant with me.”  “ I’ll wait for you always.”  “Good. Let’s keep it that way.”  And with a peck on Seokmin cheek, you both spent the night reading all the comments about how sweet his support for you was. 

mingyu: 

Mingyu got the opportunity to be a special MC for the week of your group's new debut, meaning he would get many opportunities to see you and your friends in action on stage and interview you during the broadcast. When the time finally came and you were waiting for your interview he was prompted by the producer to take the side of the interview stage next to you, simply because fans would love it. Watching you parade onto the stage in your small denim shorts and corset top adorned with black ribbons and lace, made Mingyu’s heart swell. The way your newly blonde hair cascaded down your exploded back was distracting him from his duties as host, just up until the slate came into his view.  “Hello, everyone, welcome back we’re here celebrating a new debut today, please welcome Spice. Hello hello.”  Claps rung through the studio as your eyes linger on Mingyu’s exposed fangs.  “Mingyu, what is it like seeing y/n up here with a group other than Seventeen? Jealousy? Happiness?”  Jungwoo’s comments made the rest of your team giggle, watching the over six foot man still tower over you while you stood on the riser next to him.  “Jealousy, for sure”  “And y/n or the rest of spice how do you girls feel having a self proclaimed kpop fossil in your midst, how are you dealing with her ex-members? Are they in your business all the time? Do they offer advice?”  “Well, I know Mingyu’s lying when he says he’s jealous. He actually texted me last night and told me he was proud of me and excited I’m out of his hair now.”  Your members agreed with you, stating they saw the text too while you were all preparing for your showcase.  “That’s not true. The pride was, but we miss having y/n around to keep us in check.”  “Okay, Spice members, we wanted a sneak peak of your debut stage for your song ‘Red Lips’ which one of you would like to give us a little tutorial on the choreography and an intro to the song?”  Unanimously your members chose their leader, you to give the two boys a sneak preview of your new track.  “Spice’s famous leader y/n, let’s go. Music Queue.”  You began the point dance by squatting, tracking your movements with your hands up your body, before spinning your frame around so your back was facing the camera with your hurt in full display. When the clip ended Mingyu put his large frame in front of you so the camera couldn’t hold the shot too long, protecting the last of the innocence you once had when he met you.  When your interview was finally over you and Mingyu ended it with a tight hug where he picked you up off your feet  that was caught on camera.  Safe to say the internet shippers went wild for a long time after that.

minghao: 

Minghao was doing an interview for a fashion magazine alongside the other 97’ members where they were being asked about some of their favorite things. Mingyu brought up your group's new song ‘Pure’ and Seokmin brought up how beautiful the music video was, both of them talking over each other about how fun the song is, and how it makes them feel excited when they work out. Minghao was just sitting nodding along, non-verbally agreeing that your group had some of the best new music in the industry and that you’ll be the next breakout idol group. The interviewer then asked other than the newest song by you, which song was their favorite, just keeping the conversation going. Mingyu still answered ‘Pure,’ Seokmin said it was the ballad of your album called ‘Skeletons.’ And Minghao said your first title track, ‘All Over.’ Which was actually banned in many schools for being too addictive, mainly due to the content of the video or maybe the explicit lyrics. When he was asked to elaborate he just simply said that he loves when people feel confident enough in themselves to do whatever they want. The clip was circling the internet, making silly jokes about how maybe Minghao sits around, watching you do scandalous moments for his own pleasure. Which was far from the truth, but he didn’t mind. Getting the opportunity to perform at the same time as you on a music show meant he would get to see the song live for the first time. He watched your group parade around the stage in small skirts and button down tops, imagining himself doing the partner choreography with you instead of the dancer you got assigned. When it was finished you came off the stage, right into his view.  “Better in person?”  “Maybe. I don’t think you're very into your dance partner though, no chemistry.”  “Really? He’s cool and not bad on the eyes, but yeah he’s not very interesting. Kind of a wet blanket actually.”  “A wet blanket?”  “Yeah, you know no substance. Soggy, whatever.”  “Maybe you should ask to swap to someone else?”  “No, it’s alright. He did try to ask me out at practice the other day though, literally in the exact moment we were doing that wild floor part, not really the best moment to ask someone out when they’re on top of you. But, go off.”  “He asked you out?”  “Yes..”  “Why? What the hell. That’s unprofessional.”  “It’s okay, Hao. I told him no.”  “You really should get a new partner.”  “Like who?”  “Me. I can think of lots of other stuff to ask you if you’re on top of me.”  “Oh my god.”  “Wait, that came out so wrong. Not what I meant.”  “Are you sure? I was a little excited.”  “Oh. Well in that case, meet me later in the practice studio. Let’s try it out.”  “You’ve got yourself a deal, partner.” 

seungkwan: 

After watching your debut, Seungkwan was wildly proud and supportive. He’s watched your confidence grow an exceptional amount alongside him. The praise from the fans felt like it was for him a little bit too, not in a selfish way but just because you blossomed into adults together. A few of the idols from your company got asked to be a part of a reality show about a day in the life of an idol, you and seungkwan both agreed knowing it would be fun to do together, especially since you haven’t had many opportunities to interact due to your busy schedules. For promotions of the new season you were paired together for interviews with various magazines and online programs. In the interview with Marie Claire the journalist had you play a game of truth or drink where you sat facing each other and the table between you had stacks of questions. You both were doing well, laughing, getting slightly buzzed on the shots of tequila that were provided until Seungkwan pulled a truth question, trying to buy himself a chance to skip a drinking turn. “What would you do if another idol was making a pass at the other player in front of you? How would you react?”  “What kind of question is that? Drink, Kwan” “Can I pick another one?”  You and Seungkwan were giggling and laughing over the prospect of someone making a pass at one of you in front of the other, the PA prompted him to either answer or move on, he wasn’t able to pick another option.  “Ok, I’m going to drink.”  “Ah, come on. Now I’m curious.”  “I’ll tell you later.”  Seungkwan and you finished up the last of your interviews and headed into the black suv parked outside of the studio.  “So tell me now about that question.”  “It’s just weird to think about anybody asking you out, I mean I know some have tried, but you’ve always turned it down. If someone did it in front of me? Damn. I’d probably laugh in their face first of all, which is rude I know. After that I’d probably yell at them how disinterested you would be.”  “But, what if it’s someone I’m interested in?”  “Please, who are you interested in, you've never said anything before?”  “You.”  “No way. Stop fucking around, y/n.”  “I’m serious. Deadly actually. I’ve always had a crush on you, why would any sane single person turn down half of these guys that are asking me out unless they’re interested in someone else.”  “You’re sane?”  “Shut up. I’m being serious. Stop being an ass, I’ll cry.”  “Then if I send your manager a card asking for permission to date you, will you accept it?”  “Why not just ask me yourself?”  “I’m a traditionalist.”  “Then you’ll just have to see what she says when you do.” 

vernon: 

Naturally Vernon wasn’t a jealous guy, he was just some dude that couldn't care less what other people were up to. He was so excited when he heard that you’d be debuting with new girls at the company, proud that they chose you to lead them with all of your experiences alongside him and the other members of your group. You and Vernon always had a special bond being the same age, having similar stories of how you became an idol, he appreciated having someone around who could understand him only through body language as did you. He came to surprise you and your new team on the day of your debut, carrying coffees, helping the staffers with luggage’s, bandaids, holding the hair and makeup team's bags. He really just wanted to show you he cared and was excited that you were moving on to bigger and better experiences in this industry. Vernon was never one to ask too many in depth questions about concepts and costumes, he knew the company would take care of you and he didn’t want to spoil the surprise for himself. As you were getting ready to take the stage, your manager asked him if he wanted to take a seat with them backstage and watch the view from the side. He told them no, mainly because he didn’t want to be a distraction and also everybody knows the side view is never exciting to see for the first time. As the team filtered out of your holding room Vernon took his place on the leather couch, watching your unit get into their positions. He never noticed your outfit until now, a black leather jacket, tight white tank top, and a pair of tight leather shorts with garters attached running the length of your bare legs all the way down to your chunky loafers. It’s not that he never thought you were beautiful before, but something changed now. He decided to open his Twitter app, seeing what people were saying about your group as you continued your performance. Vernon wished he hadn’t seen the comments about you made by men over half your age about what they’d like to do to you after seeing your bare legs. Suddenly he realized he wasn’t the only one gunning to be with you, but he was the only one who stood a chance. 

chan: 

Chan always made you feel special, when he heard your group's new song it gave him an idea to beg your production team for a cut so he could create a Danceology as a surprise. Something big and dramatic to make you feel good and maybe a little to impress you. He enlisted the help of his friends Yeonjun and Changbin to make it extra fun for his fans to see three well liked idols performing a sexy girl group choreography made by him. The day came where it was about to be uploaded, so he arranged a small get together with the two of you to watch it’s release on YouTube, you weren’t sure why he asked you to come hangout with his friends and do a weverse live with him, but you never missed a chance to see him especially now with your busy schedules.  “Hello guys. So we’re doing this very special live for y/n actually. I have a surprise.” “A surprise? It’s not my birthday, channie.”  “Doesn’t matter. I may or may not have made a very special danceology episode for you.”  “What the fuck, oh sorry. What? Why did you do that?”  “Because I wanted to, the reason we’re here on live with everyone is to watch it before it goes up and you can see it before they do. Sorry everyone.”  “Okay, yes. Thank you, show me, show me, show me.”  “Alright, y/n may I present to you a special danceology to Spice’s ‘Pitch Black.”  The pair of you both clapped your hands as your manager pressed play revealing Chan, Changbin, and Yeonjun wearing black tank tops and different shades of ripped jeans, a match from the music video your group had just released.  “Oh my god. This is insane.”  Chan didn’t say anything back, but just kept watching you watching his gift for you, until he noticed your eyes click to one of the other three in the trio. A gut feeling had him knowing that your attention wasn’t only on him, but he shoved it down until the fade out of the song came on.  “Wow. You guys killed that shit. Yeonjun and Changbin thank you guys too, it was amazing. Thank you.”  “You liked?”  “Chan, it was so good. That part where Yeonjun came into the front and did the hip swivel thing? Iconic.”  “What about me?”  You ruffled his hair, laughing confused why he was so serious after you made the comment about his tall friend.  “You looked very cute.”  “Cute? That’s it.”  Aware you were still broadcasting live, you pulled your phone out to text Chan and remind him of it, he told the fans that you guys will come back after going out for some dinner to talk more and reminding them to watch the video before you go live again before saying goodbye.  “What was that, y/n?”  “What? It was amazing, I told you? Did I say something wrong?”  “It’s nothing, just nevermind. Let’s go get some food.”  “No come on, no angry eating. What’s wrong?”  “Just, I guess I’m jealous. I did all of that for you and you were stuck watching my friend. I’m sorry.”  “Because I complimented him on one part over you? That doesn’t mean anything, you were so good. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you the entire time aside from that. You were amazing.”  “Yeah, emphasis on cute huh?”  “If I tell you how sexy you look, will you stop pouting and buy me dinner?”  His award winning smile crept onto his lips.  “Only if you tell me ten more times.” 

[dooplissss]

i would like to know about the ocs 🫴🏽

bless you

ok I have way more than just these but these are the current standouts, maybe I’ll do a part 2 tomorrow bc i cant stop talking about my silly little guys

Emmett & Marasmus: Newest oc for dnd, pact of the undead warlock. Emmett was just living his life til he ate the wrong mushroom for dinner and it revealed itself to be a god named Marasmus that wants people to praise it, so it took over poor Emmett’s body and puppeted him around, turning his hometown into a cult. Emmett broke out of his stupor and escaped after nearly feeding a spore to his brother and he’s been running ever since, his body slowly being eaten by the monster that inhabits him. Also they bicker constantly, real Beacon and Duck Newton vibes.

Emmett is truly just some guy who doesn’t deserve to have this wannabe god parasite stuck to him but that’s how these things go. He’s so sweet and ofc he loves his family bc I’m predictable and make that a trait for nearly all my ocs. I tend to avoid family drama or at least do it in a different way than most people, in that I prefer my characters to be striving to get back home or avoiding going home because they feel they don’t deserve to be a part of their family anymore, but always always always they are loved despite everything bad they’ve done/think they’ve done. I really hope the game goes long enough to see Emmett get to hug his brother again and forgive his mom for not being able to help him, he’s the only one of my ocs who’s been wronged by his family and even then its neither of their fault. God he needs a hug so bad

Salem & Erin: god this guy is so fun. Salem is a skellington who started as a rich brat that got peer pressured into a ritual that makes you immortal, 40 years later he had a heart attack, died for a second, and then started rotting alive. He spent decades alone in his big mansion haunting his own halls, bored out of his skull. Occasionally people would come thru, be terrified by him or try to kill him, but largely he was just left there. It took him years to work up the courage to enter his son’s room and reminisce about him; he was married a long time ago, but as soon as he floated the idea of having his spouse and child go through the ritual too they up and left him.

Eventually a realtor, Erin, comes to the house to sell it, and she’s the only person who isn’t scared of him. It’s the first conversation Salems had in years and they become friends, her daughter Olivia makes clothes for Salem to disguise his form and help him gain the courage to leave the house more and more. Salem lets more people into the house, especially artists he really loves art, and eventually lets people live there while he moves in with Erin and Olivia once he feels safe enough to live among people again.

Originally Erin and Salem were supposed to just be friends but ofc I started shipping them and ughhh they make me insane. They’re both divorcees and have talked at length about how they’ll never make that mistake again, but Salems been in love with Erin since the beginning. And he’s the least subtle person on the planet so ofc everyone knows, including Erin and she’s just patiently waiting for the day when Salem admits how they feel, however long it takes. I made Salem for dnd and his quest is basically to find a way to undo his immortality, but tbh every time he joins a campaign it dies soon after so I think I want to try making a comic or a series of vignettes or something for him anyway, especially since I’ve had a lot of time to think about plot hooks and stuff.

this is the only fic i have them but i really love it please clap

Tillian & Somlen: The OCs of All Time. I literally have a tattoo representing them, they mean so goddamn much to me its hard to put into words like they changed me as a person. Somlen isn’t my oc, he belongs to my dm, but the two are so tied together and influenced each other so much it all kinda blends together.

Tillian is a haunted one bard who grew up in the town of Winslow, a little prairie town that had something Wrong in the well that caused all the sounds to warp. The crops whispered, the blueberries gossiped, her mom echoed, her dad sang, her brother spoke backwards, and when Tillian herself spoke everyone would hear something different (I had a d100 list for what they would hear). After someone disappeared while doing recon inside the well, the town boarded it up and went their separate ways. When Tillian’s family went to stay with her aunt, she said hello to her cousin and instantly killed him with her voice.

She went to bard college to help get her voice back, and as the game started she was simply looking for answers to why this happened and what caused it. She meets with the group, starts adventuring, and one fight goes so bad she gets fully 3 failed death saves killed. Something picks her out of the river of death and brings her back to life, and that’s when she buys a haunted doll, a homebrew item from TAZ that takes that final death onto itself.

As the adventurers leave town, she feels her bag moving on to find oh fuck the doll is alive and its an asshole. The doll says his name is Somlen and he was cursed after he slept with the wrong person. Tillian HATES this guy at first but ah fuck, if she dies he’s going to die in her place so she has to be more careful. And as she talks to him more, she starts to warm up to him. He cheated on his girlfriend and he’s the perfect picture of the horny bard trope, but he wants to do better and become a better person.

Things happen, yadda yadda, Tillian finds out the location of the hag that cursed him and they kill her, taking the curse away but Somlen is still stuck in the doll body, they need powerful magic to get him polymorphed back to human. The group decides to go to a city but, as a lark, one of the npcs decides to try her luck to change him back and she rolls a goddamn nat 20. Somlen is human again and oh god he’s in his birthday suit. While Tillian is in total shock, the group gets him clothed, Somlen jokes around and plays it cool up until he gets back to Tillian, who just. Wordlessly takes her signature scarf, the one her dad knit for her, and wraps it around him and hugs him. And it hits them both like, they did it, he’s safe, and Somlen would do anything for her and vice versa.

They go into the city where they get a clue to visit the outskirts where Tillian’s aunts house is, except its old, like really really old, all that’s left is a hole down into the basement. And when they get in, Tillian can feel something trying to communicate with her, and she learns this place is over 2000 years old and so is she. That night, when she sleeps, she wakes up inside the well surrounded by hundreds of faces and she knows every single one of them. The thing that lives in the well tells her to bring her friends back for it, and that’s when it hits her: This thing, the Uvuuduam, has been sending her out every hundred years to go collect a group of adventurers and bring them back to feed them to this monster. It controlled her into tracking down every villager of Winslow and throwing them down into the well, including her mom and dad and brother. She is as much the thing haunting her home as this awful creature is.

She wakes up, silently collects her things, and leaves everyone behind to spare them. They catch up, ofc, but she is desperate to spare them from this fate. She offers them a anti-scrying necklace so they can leave her and be untrackable, but no one agrees to take it, they’re all in it to save her much as she begs them not to. She is absolutely broken by this revelation, but the group and especially Somlen are there to hold her together.

They send some time leveling up and preparing to go to her town, and finally the day comes when they arrive. They go into the well and face the Uvuuduam, it’s a tough fight (we had a irl sleepover to play it all the way thru), but they do it and she severs this horrible things neck as she screams, her voice finally returning to her after all these years. Everyone in the well wakes up, she reunites with her family, and (this part always makes me cry) when she sleeps that night, it’s the first restful sleep she’s had in 2000 years. She and Somlen stay behind in Winslow, finally home.

Like. They are truly everything to me. They are foils in so many ways but it just makes them stronger. Tillian is an aromantic bard, helping me realize I myself am aro, and it always gets to me that she loved so fiercely and so much and it was used as a weapon against her, that the monster knew it could depend on her to make connections strong enough to make people willing to do anything for her and therefore bring back its food. She loves too much for her own good, but she’s safe now, she’s with her family and the people she loves and god forbid anything try to take advantage of her ever again.

Also these two are just funny. Two halves of a whole idiot. Tillian is a neurotic mess at all times, Somlen is full of himself, they’re life partners and also an inseparable comedy duo. They’ve seen each other at their very worst and choose each other without hesitation over and over. They’ve both had their free will ripped from them thru curses and manipulation and they vow to break the hold others have on them, they would tear the world in half if the other asked. And just. Tillian wants nothing more than to return home while Somlen runs as far away from his past as possible, but he finds a home in her and he helps her win back hers. They love each other and they are best friends forever :’) also I’ve written so many fics about them and I still have so many more I want to write lmao

[koqabear]

i hope no one takes this the wrong way bc its got no ill intent but- ive never viewed writers as writing machines (nobody should!!) and more often than not i expect them to get stuck sometimes , not because im undermining them or anything, but idk a lot of writers (at least ones i interact with) are uni students like me so i feel like its just the norm to get writers block and/or periods of procrastination, in fact, i hope any writers going thru that rn don't pressure themselves too hard to write ☹️ you on the other hand... 😭 i definitely do not view u as a machine or writing generator do not get me wrong,, but u definitely are SO big brained and creative the way you post formatted fics at such a consistent rate and they're all so well thought of,, none of them are what i would consider basic in terms of trope n plot. swear it feels like mini novel after mini novel lol

this is meant to be a compliment of how on top of the game u are ,, not trying to put you on a pedestal and put the pressure on & overwhelm u!!

this differntiates u from other writers in the best way possible. not sure if u are familiar with nctblr writers but on the top god tier untouchable level of tumblr writers lies you n neopuppy ☺️ i mentally have an organization system i associate writers with, and although its not necessarily a ranking or hierarchy, that tier is the only "tier" there is that i consider above everyone else whom i don't "rank" in anyway, but rather group and categorize based on writing styles n content! yall just stand out that much :')

idk if this made any sense im sick n i just took a nyquil thats starting to kick in T_T apologies this ask is kinda messy n ugly

-dvp anon🫡

OHHHH???! THIS IS SO -@;!:@:! ??!!!!! SUCH AN INSANE (/pos) THING TO SAY IM A LITTLE SPEECHLESS RN??

i feel like the reason i’ve been posting so much is bc i’ve been on break and i’ve been trying to take advantage of this free time i have! once classes start i’m scared that i won’t have as much time/opportunities to write, so that’s kinda why i’ve been jumping on like. every idea i get ever. (but then again, i realize now that throughout this year i was able to handle both my assignments and fics. i’m a little weird sorry.)

but omg. you can’t say stuff like that to me like ofc i’m familiar with nctblr writers 😭😭😭 you thinking that i belong anywhere near the tier neopuppy is at is a little insane to me my jaw dropped when i read that alsndks

i hope you rest and get better soon!!! thank you for unleashing such an insane compliment on me omgldjsk

[only-lonely-lovers]

07.13.2022

tags: noncon, piv, dirty talking

notes: rereading this, i feel as though it's uniquely gormless, and has out-of-date headcanons as we were so early into imbibing JSHK... well, nevertheless. happy reading.

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ / sometimes, I color text to delineate dialogue a little more

あ：my PP concept is also noncon.. but like oh you know, trying to gaslight her throughout it… the most deranged and like cowardly way to do it all. trying to clip her and get her to call you amane during it also bc you has problems

つ：SAY THE CORRECT NAME!!!

あ：it feels like itd be sooo. [wearing clown make up] to be trying to wrestle nene into saying this… idk it feels like it could get so pathetic… like.. [shakes]… say it.. つ：i like the flavor of impatient hanako… and getting to live int he psyche of guy who wants you and is NOT HANAKO FORGET THE OTHER GUY

あ：this guy actually has a shot [defensive of made up narrative] he's been your classmate for a while you two have good chemistry you. YOU LIKE HIM!! he likes you. it'sss… this was being built up to. you want this

つ：and on another psychological level…. wanting to be called amane during sex, in general is something

あ：uhuh. a real [looks at camera] moment for . the tsukasa watching this ig

つ：its so interesting how PP works. the guy who has been actively hiding everything from you suddenly wants an earnest roleplay right before he disappears ill write the authors notes andits IC as tsukasa like WHOA i didun tink this would happen!!!! AMANEEEEE

あ：i guess i really offered you something you wanted….

つ：wow i made him so happy!

あ：a way for you to let nene meet "amane" !!! hehehe…. well… isn't she lucky….

つ：its taking all of his fibers of resistance to not run into the room the omake version which just has tsukasa barelling in

あ：yes. fkdgjfh… he is yelling amane it's like [HONK]

つ：that IIIIIIIII noise he makes BREATHING SO HEAVILY INTO YOUR EAR IMMEDIATELY

there simply the insane sex world version where tsukasa fluidly joins in. its so hard to not imagine hanako just like SHOVING HIM LIKE A TODDLER NYO!!!! TSUKASA!!!!

あ：NOT RIGHT NOW NOT WHEN I'M GETTING IT OUT [holding nene by the throat] i figure though it has this umm.. hm.. it definitely has this vibe of someone trying to start a romantic cutscene but just getting impatient and not letting you leave…

つ：i do think it starts out so ah… scripted, feeling so incredibly…. stilted…. has ''phases'', and even though nene doesn't technically jump the hoops, he moves onto the next one anyway…

あ：he's mentally got flashcards. is waiting for the one that lets him put hand on knee

you could imagine it is as simple though as hearing nene mention needing to check in with kou or something for him to be like [unchill] NO.

つ：just a minute. please. just a few minutes. stay. let me. say. what i . need to

あ：[uncontrollably guilt tripping] youve been blowing me off all day…

つ：[soft indiscernible click in the near distance] [tsukasa is locking the door for them]

あ：your guy… mmm a good detail though

つ：i will not ruin the inciting action from your game.

あ：its just one of those "there's no bad options!" things for tsukasa bc nene could like flip out and attempt to kill amane. whatever happens baby…

hm but crazy sex world where he joins is fun it's like mm a taste of butter…. wingmans this. but then also is like hiiiiiiiii ~ enjoying my playhouse for you…. huggles you

つ：i do want to to live in the less realistic porno world where amane simply is like ok. keeps going. so this is how it will be. if thats how god wants it

あ：i am already playing into this fake world selfishly. i can't act like. it would be that much better if i shoved him off.

つ：lets you hug her. nene is liek KDFL;SJFKL;GSG?? but Amane's like shhh…. shhhh. its okay…… just tsukasa nuzzling her head, hair, so pleasant….

あ：i do love the thought of nene having to be like. not only experiencing being cornered and pressured and stuff but the brother is here too. manifesting. what the- what does that…

ouhmm its like i wish the changing room scene went different lol… and devolves into this… so its a nene who was already trying to have theories about tsukasa like "he… want.. revenge…??" but instead he's like smelling your neck. help!

just here to support… happy to be here… ^^ ready to help get everything in place

つ：there are different flavors to different points of the timeline…. if its before any suggestion of 'how to get out of here' its so… disorienting in a DIFFERENT way thats like. amane is a complete loon trying to do this right out the gate. but later has the flavor of becoming like. nnno my time, running, out knowing tsukasa is 'real' or not is an element

あ：i go back and forth, initially i was thinking about this like, fuck the movie tickets… i am insane

but i do like the state of things at the point of when she's changing before star gazing… it being like right before stargazing. its rly a different loss of willpower

a very early run i'd almost want to be so early she hasnt even recon'd with kou or seen the world have kooky aspects… is juust in the "??????????" stage of trying to determine what is happening. like she's just been pouring salt on amane and feels bad about that

the gaslighting has more of a chance to take proper purchase in that case. like she IS just doubting herself and feels like the only one insisting on her previous reality

つ：unsure if this is some kind of dream really, that early on…. later is, scary, ominous

tsukasa is going to stroke Amane's face and say…. it's a good world, isn't it…. its really nice…. you like it, right…. just pleased, confirming… a slammin it hanako can only nod and huff thru nose

あ：it's nice like this…. we can be together❤️ admittedly this has to be a tsukasa that just feels like he really won, i mean his trap is just a success, amane is partaking of the fruit perhaps liberated enough to tease like. did you miss me… i'm glad we can spend some time together

つ：i'm do good with wishie

あ：you look amazing… wow [watching him hit it]

つ：[openly breathing heavy, not ashamed] Nene-chan…. you like it too, don't you..? it feels good… [spreading her pussy for Amane to hit deeper with less drag, which makes Hanako, twitch on instinct like DDDDONT GET NEAR MY. DONT YOU]

あ：snarling…. but tsukasa delights to observe like ohhmm… there's my special guy

つ：[whispering to nene] he makes that face when he really likes something

あ：[grabs her chin and tilts her head] everyone make sure we are looking and pay close attention okay ^q^

つ：you can never forget a first time [activate… amane] nn. never forget it. [HURTING]

あ：ohmm for amane to have really shot himself in the foot by forcing nene to call him amane-kun during this… if she is whimpering it.. doesn't that feel like it'd make tsukasa a little bit like [LOOKS.][fervid] we are matchies!!! asfdghfdg!!!!!! oh its like.. tsukasa likes to hear his name so much… it might feel magical to get to hear someone else beg it… ohgh you love his trapdoor mouth honestly

つ：I do like Nene ah... becoming subservient, after only a few good swings. i think she's gone

in this circumstance, its just like ss ? sssex x? uhhghmn… [hanako urging her…. to say amane-kun] ohu I, shoul, d do wh, what he saysz [dizzy] c, cant be rude…. Amm… Amn, Amanneee-kun…..

あ：[blearily] that..s. s… right htats … thats his 'real name'…. [brain tabbing through visions of him as a battered boy, 13…]

つ：[which look, aesthetically, more like this boy…] [in these clothes, his skinny arms sticking out, looking younger than ever..]

あ：[boy she saw on the floor crying…] fuzzily in her brain

its like ahrg… amane… kuun… ok ahy.g..fhg this is like. your ex shows up and youve taught your new meat to call you your old pet name. and your ex gets to just watch this [tsukasa joins in saying name like the girls in midsommar] [panting] How long do you want her like this, Amane… You know there's nothing stopping you, it's whatever you'd like the world can be for you…

つ：hanako feeling like I. deserve to be mentally broken. its fine. okay. before i go.

あ：if that's. how this is going to. pan out.

つ：ne, ne….. nene-chan…. this world is whatever the 'main characters' of it want. Doesn't it feel good… to be what Amane wants? He can do anything… and he wanted to do something, with you! something new….. that he's never done before.

N. NEVER BEFORE ?! v. virgin??????

あ：owned outed oh but its moments like these i really feel like [amane. UNCONTROLLABLY picks up pace fuckign jackhammers for a sec]

つ：ffffuc k like a grown boy

あ：its llike fffjhghhfj. goes into his blood

つ：I WILL IMPRESS

あ：[a braincell that is just like slobbering] thats RIGHT i havent fucekd before i wannaf fffffffffuck hard WATCH ME FUCK

つ：during onslaught it is legitimately tsukasa keeping her from, toppling, she has to grasp something and instinctively grasps his arms

あ：it helps to have a whole body to assist in cradling weight

つ：AMANE AMANEEE!!! [stoked by tsukasa's shouting] amaaanee-kuunnnn [stokedby nene's chanting] A-ma-neeee, aaa [stoked by Tsukasa] Amane-kunnnn

あ：the derangedness forced. to come.

つ：why doesit sound like i am fucking them both

あ：oh you get to watch his eyes really roll back into his head… I THINK IT JUST MAKES HIM DIZZY

つ：WORSHIP MEEE

あ：like mgh. fhgf.f fghf. s-sex fuck..f ujghf..gfh.. FUCK!! yes i fuck good god yes

つ：i think the ego…. the narcissism present in amane, deep down being cheered/praised sssso much repeatedly is. mmmnn yessss i doooo it

あ：god yeah. i think tsukasa's egging on is just sooo effective tsukasa might as well be breathing a poison cloud that is going right into him

つ：i do it sssso good call my naaaame

あ：the words are so palpably good at stoking him

the way tsukasa is here to be like: you fuck her sooo good you look sooo hot whiel you do it she is so ooo lucky to be fucked by you

つ：and nene whining/cooing them in such a girlish register, hiccuping them,ssss ounds better than ever imagined,and he's imagined it a lot

lucky-lucky girl nene-chaaaan don't you feel lucky….. !

あ：her going along with it all.. it just. he will just feel like the paydirt was so worth it. she can only resist so much!! of course she cant do more than a little fussing.. bbbbECAUSE SHE wants this she wants me she is agreeing… she is nodding, she is asserting she feels lucky

i wish it could be like.. amane buries his face against nene as he finishes, and gets snuzzled and pet by tsukasa all the while… like as he is shuddering intensely… we rub faces while i unload into my girl

つ：i'll just live in the narrative where this is simply my classmate brother mmmmmmn the satisfaction of nene being so agreeable… she will pull him into a kiss after. emboldened-- but thinking like-- h -HE BETTER KISS ME [KISSES HIM]

あ：it's… it's fine, in the context of the narrative… omgg boy not ready for kiss despite everything i think

つ：just begin making out ssssso hard. he will not let go once he's latched. tsukasa is just chin against her shoulder so close to the action pleasant

woooow… a first kiss too……

あ：beautiful stuff you two..

its like amane forgot kissing was a thing thsi deep into it and youre gonna rot his brain fucking.. KISS ME AFTER???

つ：he whiiiines. and flinches after like ffcukg nn-no why… mnhmh… whyd i whine bbuthjbkiss mmeeeeee mmm

[cock hurts. but is attempting to harden again]

あ：and one must learn that undignified noises shall happen during kiss

the hips itch and shift and shuffle.. your cock soo badly wants to be hard again its really like ouch... [tsukasa alternating giving you two headpats during kissm]

つ：hugs nene a nice squeeze for a second. mm i jsut love to be here. Nene is…. universes are exploding inside of her brain for nene. i simply think she wants to fuck again

あ：I Am Here In The Porno, I Am Suspended Between Two Boys

つ：its easier, for girls. just want it. pussy burns. brain is gone. tugging at amane, wrapping legs around him suddenly

あ：moe for amane to be the one feeling disoriented at this point… umm a little weaker after nutting wwww… but god desire in the heart… dizzied to have reciprocation, in reality… being invited and pressed for more at all is like hough. OHHHHH she really. she, really. want [sways against…]

つ：nene…. ah she hits a point always, i feel, where she's gone.. mad. finally achieving sex. wanting it. thinking in only poisoned thoughts…. grinding towards him… but, unable to make eye contact. I like to think at this point, amane can't either, finally a bit shy, mostly over it. it needs to take a second

cant look your girl in the eye while shuffling feet around. feels like hot stove. impatient to be ready to slam more

but your helpful tsukasa is here….! observing the problem… amane shuffling around like a nervous horse

あ：i think there's a limited reserve of bravado. you used up so much focus and determination to get this far. he looks tense.. swallowing..

つ：I think its like hmmmmm…. mmm… grabs his face. makes you and nene stare again keep saying his name, nene-chan…. if you want him to go again he likes that best. tell him how much you liked it! he wants to hear that.

an obedient nene…. happy to have, direction…? too … addled, to be arguing. too addled to be bothered…. by the intrusiveness. it IS convenient to have solution…..

あ：you liked what he did, after all, right….? nene-chan is a good girl, she should show her gratitude. [pet pet]

つ：small quiet… followed by… I… I liked … it… I l. loved, it. I want. More I… want [tsukasa interrupting] amane…. [nene nodding] amane-kun…. amane-kun to, d. do it, more….

あ：mmm yes… you get to watch the statement go into him like you threw a precision dart at a target… to feeeel the cock twitches. the hurried scuffing.

つ：[tsukasa.. gently holding amane's jaw] [tilting his head] I also want you to do it more.

nene has to… feel… ah…. he…. was right. he knew…. he knew how to make him…. is it possible to know someone so well… [delirious from cock] am I lucky… tsukasa-kun is here…too…

あ：she can feel the effects... it just ripples throughout him... undeniably..little lightbulb going off in head but it is full of c*m

Amane: [mouth worrying, licking lips, swallowing…] [troubled seeming] Tsukasa: [noting he's struggling with words] -- and , you want to too, don't you, Amane..! You do, don't you? You felt so good. Amane: [hoarsely] h…hhhhai. [nod nod…] [throws head like agitated horse] and nene watching this all like ouh… wow… tsukasa-kun is like an… expert… sasuga futago otouto… [kind of clueless, awed tone] You really did… like it a lot, Am.. Amane-kun… you… wanted this, with me..? [cumbrain. and, thinking about 'the narrative'] ff… for a while…

つ：tsukasa like wtf this is so cuuuute❤️ KAWAIIIIII

あ：so smart she is learning!!yesss talk to him tell him what you have observed...

つ：yessss team up with me nene-chaaaaan

あ：RULE WITH ME

つ：so cute amane like. repeatedly. huffing. he is like a troubled horse but then its like [tsukasa against nene's ear] you should tell him his cock looks nice

TSUKASA-KUN THATS TOO DIRECT!!!!!!!! MURI

あ：such a screeaaaa amoment [tsukasa rubbing your shoulders] [like your boxing coach]

つ：but trying to behave. am. ammn. ama. amane-k, kun

あ：[he looks at you like a sad dog for a sec awaiting the bacon]

つ：your c . your cc. co. [being rubbed] cock -- COCK [UNNECESSARILY LOUD] [fucks up] FEELS-- looks--!

[inelegant] ggggooddddd

あ：fus roh dah'd its just like MY WAHT [COUGHs blood]

つ：he did not know nene could say such a word

あ：[BLINKs out of sync] it... wh... ..? you- you were [fucking sounds like a bully uncontrollably] looked.? you've beenlooking [slurring]

つ：[tsukasa observing amane be shitty excitedly]

あ：like mgh?f hgf. what hte fuck…. sl-slut.s lut whore what hte fuck… looking at my.. this might actually make him so sick [voice becomes lower] [suddenly less clipped] what.. do you want to look at it…? actually thinking about how shitty it would be to like . pause. for this. like actually we are going to call attention to this tis my choice but you have tsukasa to be the crazy guy who is liek YAS

つ：FUCKING SHOW USSSS for this moment he is not thinking of tsukasa tsukasa has vanished tsukasa is just sitting there like 😮observing these transpiring events but in amane's mind its nene undera spotlight

nfnnf no what d did i get inttto [but wobbles from heat] but t. i ? see it ?

あ：like oh. i"llllllllllllll show you my cock if thats what yuore into. [pitying fsr]

つ：[pure brain unfiltered in her head] i do want to see it

あ：gets on my throne about it for a sec. UNABLE TO CHECK SELF

つ：puuulll a littlee awayyyy….. ah nene…. swallowing. nodding. h. hai. politely. clasps hands together at chest…..

あ：shimmy shimmy… incidentally it is good, umm, atmosphere, for this all, steadily hardening again… taking a detour to grasp self… Urhg. unfortunately i do think he has THOUGHT before about presentation, his hands are not. demure. while tsukasa isnt being paid attention to, i think he is active enough still like making sure nene is looqing. hand on her head. staring attentively as well

つ：i enjoy the big show. we all love the big show

あ：i am the big show oh sorry amane is soo shitty but he's quantifiably soo shitty.. it's really going to be like… [staring at nene while running hand along it, pumps..] [wincing, but focused.] So. You like it. Like the look of it. [guy who is going to make you repeat yourself]

つ：[like afucking military officer is talking to her] HAI

あ：it's really like [shifts hips..] [fingers looped in👌hand, dipping in and out of it] i make you think. about it

つ：well i think putting on a show makes tsukasa completely speechless jaw dropped. the synergy of tsukasa and nene here is profound actually

あ：gets laser focused eyes haven't seen him like this… Amane letting loose has never been… relishing in it, this much. ouhh.

つ：both. breathing through mouths. tracking so closely with eyes. zeroed in thinking h… he's…. can he be so confident….. Amane-kun…. I didn't know… h. he…. could…. be so, bold…. direct thank you blessed tsukasa-kun for creating this circumstance

あ：🙏we need you . we need you so badly

つ：amane watching nene flinch when his cock twitches… its like mmm. tsukasa doesn't flinch. still. impeccably so. as though an animal camouflaging. focused

あ：Good to know she really is thinking about it. this is a good way to get geared up… to fuck her again… like ooh. this makes me want to fuck your brains out

つ：its charming to me for tsukasa to fade into the background briefly, its like the… familiarity of him kinda briefly renders him nonexistent, as nene is being dealt with. he is cool to hang out.

あ：he is not intrusive to it all he is permitted to watch amane ostentatiously pull back foreskin

つ：stops breathing, visibly. makes amane laugh… which makes her jump. heavy breathy lil laugh from him for amane it must be so chaaarming….. mmm she's not only weak to a pretty face, now is she. lol

あ：It's that interesting huh. [humming]

つ：[amane, flatly] so… is this your real weakness. should I have lead with this.

あ：This would've kept your attention hm.. [tilts it back and forth... being. crude.]Gets results. You probably can't even remember any other guy's name or face right now Right? haha.

つ：blinks. oh cant see. but wants to see. visibly trying to, recover from feeling dazed. blinking a lot

tsukasa uncontrollably also feeling like he is being talked to, but that is irrelevant. just going into his skull

its like humorous honestly its like . yeah i do not remember anythignn rn

あ：fjdghf… sweetie. cute though. like it goes into your real stomach

[strokes..] [breathing falters a bit, but swallows] Well… maybe now you won't run off any chance you get with whoever You'll just think about this instead. won't you. Maybe if I just tell you to , you will.

つ：nods…. if…. .. will you…. really do this…. f. from now on…..? with… with. me

あ：[breathes] Oh. Yeah [brain melting] allthe time You. won't be able to. get away from … me. [h-hm. that wasnt the plan.]

つ：o, okay [stupid]

あ：[shifting to get between legs mindlessly, regardless] we are both stupid like mghhhhhhhhhhh i want in im READY

つ：everyone's stupid amane whipped his cock out and rubbed it and everyone got brain damage

あ：tsukasa's hand should like rush to spread pussy for

つ：that would be cute. like KLFJSD;KLF WAKES UP WAIT I HAD A PLAN!!! I WAMS GONAN. HELP

あ：master is returning i must get the door

but i think generously its like this is just allowed. WE'RE all dealing wtih poison status efx we have NO THOUGHTS i think tsukasa should just be allowed to feel it sink in… framing

つ：tsukasa did a good job aligning the shot for amane to take it. like a retical on a sniper juuuust slightlyyy feel the skin drag along the edge of his fingers…. pull down as he sinks in

あ：a treat for the good good brother… i do not think amane can be taken off his cloud after such a lead up its like mgh yes. oh commence fuck yes [grateful for 1 sec] its good to sink so fluidly into pussy, get so deep. NEED

i grant tsukasa also getting to feel him really pull back and then slam.. grind against… not bothering to wait for fingers to move… the urgency spurs everything forward. but its like i think everyone's hindbrain loves the energy of all of us coming together like this

つ：mmmm force crushing into hand… nnngghice. coooool… amane is cool nene is gone though

あ：we have lost her. that is okay. was assassinated… our dearly beloved

つ：a good…. deserved…. hard plow. unmitigated clutching with all limbs… stupid slut brain just thinking about the shape endlessly and the sensation combined with it aware now, of, twitches. more aware. knows what those look like. feels them harder.

somewhere, shijima: this sucks i hate it i fucking hate drawing

あ：doing all that she can to not just slash the canvas hate knowing tsukasa and no. 7 are fucking tfw mitsuba and kou are fucking out taking photos are some shit that's what she signed up for. not. this.

つ：the afterglow of this situation…. is humorous to think about i fklsdjfklsf tsukasa's just goingto be smelling his hand in the backgruond and amane is like not going to notice/think about it or like why that is its like oh tsukasa is doing w/e

あ：same as he ever was...

つ：the duality of it smells like pussy and cock. much to huff

あ：its a very special day for tsukasa. WOW! i guess i didnt see absolutely everything in the timeline sometimes even i do not know what will happen

hanako having to like. ruminate on. like.💭 ………………… do i just…………………………. quietly peace out still once i gaurantee nene can stay here………… ………………. no. 2 will just have a fake amane to slot in so. [thinks. about. if nene iwll. fuck. that clone. ] no. 💭……………….. she'll forget about her other life eventually. but this is. a part of the. narrative. here.

つ：can I get shijima to kill me off [jealous over paper cut out of self]

あ：she'd probably enjoy that right have me hit by a truck or whatever … me and tsukasa. i wont let. paper cut out tsukasa comfort her.

つ：tsukasa in the BG licking his hand, but covertly like a child sneaking a cookie. as if he could get scolded nene is comatose…. floating coin slot

あ：hanako just kinda middle distance staring thinking about this stuff. but thats okay

つ：everyone is contemplating

あ：is also just like. but by god if i aint going to fuck her again later whatever itll sort itself out

つ：💭wait, this hanako-- amane-kun ? has a pulse and. is warm. can he get me pregnant ?

あ：was i irresponsible because i forgot about htis-!? ………..wait…………… did amane-kun choose to………. ………………………… [if i am engaging with amane-kun like he is really alive boy.] so he made the decision to……………………… do it in me… multiple times

つ：[nene in space]

あ：having to be like. does he want me to . he has to at least not care. if it happens. [thinks] i guess my parents would just take care of me no matter hwat

つ：or is he… such a … dirty creep its not his problem… [this makes her horny]

あ：[none of the thoughts have the right amount of severity] he's just going to be like… "figure it out…" and keep unloading into me 😭….🤤

つ：tsukasa💭i wonder if nene-chan would let me smell her hmm or rather if amane would let me smel nene chan

あ：the real questions tsukasa.

____________________

つ：> tsukasa uncontrollably also feeling like he is being talked to, but that is irrelevant. just going into his skull

I keep thinking about this

its just so f. funny to be dirty talking nene like mm you dont think about other guys. and tsukasa is like i do not [seriously, mentally] i do not amane would just be like [tired face] y. oh i know you. dont. sigh. i. no thats

あ：sooo funny like we're doing mental affirmations with tsukasa as well

つ：that wasnt for you like [facepalm] you're unintentionally doing mental affirmations with tsukasa. is the problem. nene and tsukasa are both like mmngh only you

あ：cumbrain tsukasa is very endearing like aumghmm im loyal too

つ：i do not need affirmations. from tsukasa. says amane im not trying to affirm that one sigh

あ：if you even imagined it. like intrusively. itd be like [frowns]. like sees mental image of me being like: you only think about me dont you and tsukasa like VIBRATING barking yes. doesnt it almost feel liek dirty talking a toddler

つ：like glkgl;gjdfklg

あ：the idea of being liek: you like ice cream, to a kid whose face and hadns are all sticky

つ：I'M SIMPLY LOVING THSEE TAKES ITS SO FUNNYYYY

ITS TOO FUNNY TO IMAGINE DOING THIS TO TSUKASA ITS SO FUNNY YOU CAN DO IT TO NENE ALL DAY and like he WILL do it to nene all day. like thats right girl you only think about and look at me. you can't even care about anything else anymore. how you should be. and tsukasa is absorbing it into his own brain 3rd party without amane's consent or intent.

あ：its. so funny. but also like , i do love the thought of it uncontrollably happening regardless like you can't remove tsukasa from the scene of the crime

つ：he is present.

あ：sigh its precious though isnt it… like shifting and fidgeting in seat as well… fox that is about to pee didnt ever conceptualize amane commenting on your feelings i dont think tsukasa could fathom like not, responding, mentally, i think the internal stream of thought must simply become yes master………………

つ：mochiron tsukasa does believe himself and nene are the same in their feelings, and amane affirming this dynamic with HER only affirms the 'we are exactly the same, we feel the same things for Amane, we want the same things with Amane'

hearing the relationship become THIS just naturally confirms his own dynamic… of course it's like that, because we are the same. like to hear it, as much as Nene does, we're all eager to hear such things

あ：our roles are the same…

but i love the thought of this happening like multiple times as amane gets like idk addicted to the sheer ease, the butter. of the situation. and keeps dirty talking nene possessively... and you only start brushing up with how this has been effecting tsukasa like later. you have a moment where both nene and tsukasa nod to something in a zombie like manner and youre like ? [shakes head] [but moves on]

つ：its sssoo funny how many times it could be that Amane is simply in such a tunnelvision horny state while devolving into his dirty talk, that he has blinders on, isn't seeing tsukasa, but as well, tsukasa doesn't express much obviously, he's trapdoor open mouth and big eyes, so you dont always know what he is ✅seen. But it is ssso funny to finally one day observe tsukasa synchronized nodding with nene lidding eyes at you, SO parallell to her, that its. -feel like you hallucinated-

あ：right like we're so deep into this madness and then its like hugh. j?? but.. still not being jarred enough to stop its just like a hitch. like what? but. okay

つ：tsukasa ..? oh m.moving on. whatever

you can believe he's just a sort of ape imitating motions if you think about this later and feel like dying. i like to think in the moment Amane would like, get over it, continue, but later in his stall unfortunately uncontrollably remember synchronized nod and feel dread

[of montreal voice] LETS RELAAAAATE

あ：Someone who feels their demise encroaching on the horizon Omens… and portents

つ：the time and place of your own death

あ：Uhuh. really just alternating between being like "no it definitely wasnt anything" and then "that. wasnt nothing." and then "okay but it-- even if he was. [scalding, hate to say it] horny-- it would -- i mean its probably just from THE SEX HAPPENING right. like the vibes in the room." pause. "… that doesnt sound… like, good. dude."

[to self] are we really going to… like, not address this. if tsukasa is getting horny about things you're saying meant for yashiro. [defensively] but i already have to deal with tsukasa being in the room while i do things to yashiro right. isnt that already so weird. what am i even going to say.

tsukasa is already getting horny about things meant for yashiro what does it matter. and what am i gonna say. wear this burlap sack. [being an asshole internally] we're already trying to ignore him being there.

つ：but the next time you are dirty talking her you are going to think far too hard about the duality of what you are saying. when you re-read a post but in someone else's tone of voice and perspective… and can understand how they specifically will twist these worsd

あ：starting to talk about your eyes drift and see tsukasa's gaze and its like [slows.] [now you two are just making eye contact]

つ：stops. talking. which yashiro notices is like a… ahh..? are you…. okay…. ? noticing something.. but I think Hanako would just snap immediately after

grab her by the throat, shove her down, DETERMINED TO SAY CRAZIER SHIT

あ：oh get all. the animal within about it.

つ：YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!!!! EVER AGAIN!!! YOU CAN'T SSSTAND ANYTHING ELSE!!! IT'S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. NOTHING IS WORTH YOUR TIME!!!! BUT ME!!!

あ：it's like his own hiccupping and faltering makes him so frustrated, the only response can be [snarls] … cant let anything get in the way of ASSERTING MY POSITION. yashiro should know WHAT SHE IS TO ME. oh….. you know because hanako is the way he is i do think it could really get so sick. like. I WON'T STOP UNTIL EVERY DREAM YOU HAVE IS ABOUT ME EVERY NIGHTMARE, EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT IN YOUR LITTLE HEAD!!

YOUR LIFE WAS OVER THE DAY YOU MET ME!

つ：ah ssso scary for nene, but immediately violently effective, girls… girls want to hear thissssss.

going into tsukasa it's [eyes back in skull] myn the day I met you [was born] being younger sibling meaning never existing without the other.

あ：oh its a lot for tsukasa to hear that specifically isnt it

つ：in trying to target things at yashiro and blast through this obstruction, just say it, going to only say worse things, by nature

あ：there's no way to actually avoid effecting tsukasa. they are indeed, the same.

つ：there is NO avoiding it, you CANT make it more pointed, exact, you cannot.... you can't. saying all of that panting and watching both of them arching is flk;fgklfkl;jKL;GJSKL;GJSKLG NGNHGHKM!!!!!

あ：[getting crazier] YOU NEVER HAD A CHOICE YOUR LIFE WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE MINE!!!

つ：ah… the two of them…. its so synchronus its scary. scary to observe. shuddering as words hit skulls

あ：very scary... like its possessing them equally

つ：its like ohhhh hFKH EVeryones FUCKIGN EHRE FOR ME AREN'T THEY!!!! FINE

あ：ohh so thats how it is… FFFFFFFFFINE [frothing] you just love to hear it dont you [frustrated by the circumstances] wish i would speak to you like this all the time. would make your life so easy, right

つ：nod nod. nene has tears in her eyes... tugging at his arms, hands

あ：feeling sooo reduced… oh nene is such a humble girl i think she really quickly can be taken into a state of "IF YOU WOULD HAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" [cries] if you could want that

つ：it makes her cry, to simply have what she wants..... to, be, owned. hard to believe, every time....it's so extreme, he has to mean it.... she's a grateful girl, when its happening. blubbering little mess....

Amane in his broken mental state, beseeching them both with.... Why don't you tell me something, for once... I'm always talking... say something. But...! It would only be Nene replying, Tsukasa DOES understand these sorts of instructions aren't for him, he just sits and listens to Nene with Amane, eager for her to be his mouthpiece, speak for them both, as she does. he sees her as a mere extention.... she's so sincere, too

あ：he has a lot of sincere faith in nene to be able to express, she is hand selected by amane and deemed worthy of this, she is good girl and does as she is told, she can answer the call

つ：whining that, I, I like not thinking of anything else.... if you really want my attention, alway, s, if, if it really-- doesn't annoy you, Hanako-kun, I-I can't, imagine, if, you wouldn't be tired, you're never tired...? Of me....?

あ：Oh i feel like it's the sort of sentence that makes Hanako become so !? [wheeze] of course. of- of course! [that feeling he gets, like: ITS SO OBVIOUS, IT'S SELF EVIDENT] ...... i could never get tired of it... [mouth tense. the road bumps!! swallows, drags hand on face] ... it's not even a competition. no one is anything.

[devolving into like.. muttering] i could do this all day… [hufff….] if i could keep you here. you wouldn't even go home, anymore. [squeezes throat]

つ：for tsukasa, at times observing nene is like observing a younger version of himself... scared to be called dummy, scared to bore, annoy, upset amane... strokes and pets her as she talks, nuzzles nene.

あ：it is like that isn't it… like the insecure self who cannot believe the interest is really present. while tsukasa has, in a sense 'matured' and gotten to the point of trusting amane's feelings so entirely that the fact that amane wants something is the proof itself

つ：amane will not waste time with unnecessary things… tsukasa watched him have no friends. he knows he is choosing nene, for a reason. but seeing her be sensitive, is sweet… seeing amane reassure her, is sweet.

あ：its pleasing to see them communicate directly like this. what tsukasa loves to seeee... getting right to it, say the words that matter most

つ：feels like amane IS healing

あ：i do think it is one of hanako's most feeble emotions that he wishes yashiro did not have to go home at the end of the day. it would be a big admittance… for her to get to know. bc she has to understand he's like a sad dog about it

つ：its cute he will occilate between dom voice and like…. nuzzling nene. so cute… having a really sweet moment of her crying. nuzz nuzz, from both boys. I love the idea of Yashiro sneaking out at night and coming to school, even if she just. sleeps. somwhere in the school. giving hanako privilege of watching her sleep

あ：break you into the nurses office or something. it would be sweet he surely wants to look at you all night and pet your head you know

つ：for all this though its funny if after a short beat he sort of…. looks…. over at Tsukasa. kind of half-lidded side-eye. Sortof grimmacing internally… like m…. observing him nuzzling and squeezing Nene, knowing that Tsukasa was also. Feeling those words, but did legitimately censor himself from replying… but its funny to be unable to control his nature towards Tsukasa. Throwing the dog a bone but, difficultly….. "and you. Do you have anything to say. Tsukasa."

Tsukasa is like !!!!!! :U ….. !!! ?!? [braindead to be called attention to] nene is like ? … [slightly confused why Amane is talking to Tsukasa? is like when… since when? hm? Tsukasa…?]

when justin is in that. mode where he's so like. When justin is like AND I lik- e, sex, weird ,sex. when H'es liek. aND i'VE got a, rap personality, to i-i his, name-- uh, its. shitty tim. [is there an offchance he STINKS?] HAHA y-- n, no I… not like, no not, shitty like….

あ：rhgfghjf yeah like fumbling to contribute as well

つ：[voice crackling in throat] YEAH I! [braindead] …AMANE…!

あ：…………………. …………………………………………………….. ………… tsukasa. [looks.] [like. go on.]

つ：!!! pants, ah!!! [excited kid on a stage]

あ：breathing into the microphone

つ：Nh! Nene-chan!!! The same!! Me, too!! Ne, ne, Nene-chan? [pivoting towards her cluelessly] its not the same as being like nervous its just being like lfjsdlfk;sj so mindless like ahouhh thank you for the opportunity!!! knocks over microphone

あ：oh you are going to activate hanako's dummy demon brain. youre not that smart huh. [slow blink] [FEELING like a benevolent god, as i reach over and grab your face with one hand]

つ：!!!

あ：[sigh] What is the same.

つ：hiccups A wiggles. now nene is also staring at tsukasa like… hm…. can he really get tongue tied? what is this scene…..

YouRs! Yours! Ua-Hhheheeheehe, we, 're here, for, AMANE!

あ：nene's end of this

the way hanako just has to feel like. [leers] Yeah that's right. [shakes head side to side while holding it in hand. the way people who are used to foxes just garb their mouths] [condescending tone]

つ：tsukasa just like HEHEHEHEHEHFEKGJRK!!!! HEEHEEEHEEheehee skitters ffeet under hakama . breathes

both nene and hanako looking so lidded . synchronus too

あ：💭 this is so easy it should be a crime. [hanako processing that dirty talking tsukasa feels like. shooting fish in a barrel]

つ：belong…. to Amane… fffor, Amane. [quieter, but still trapdoor smiling] born…. for Amane… to be with, Amane….

あ：

つ：makes Nene pause

あ：[jenny voice] heyyyy waita sec

つ：funny to think of it working authentically on hanako for 1 second being like…..[nene observes hanako ceasing] when hanako is like. the shape of. . fing ers, [begins not paying attention]

あ：[turns]

つ：I think Hanako is shitty enough, charmingly, to start like picking his nose

あ：as if this doesn't really concern him

つ：its like.... at best, pets tsukasa's head, but condescendingly

あ：that's the best i can do for you

つ：mmhmmm…… sigh you did as i asked

あ：pets you but doesnt look knocks tsukasa's hat off rudely in my gesture

つ：pant pant pant pant [perfectly satisfied]

💭 hmm… somehow this doesn't seem fair 💭… I dont know if Tsukasa-kun and I are really the same…. he's….. [squints, looking for kind words] . sure gracious, isn't he…. 💭suddenly, I feel pretty spoiled….

あ：thinking, i dont know if i could handle it if Hanako-kun wouldn't even look at me e-er. errrr…..

つ：eeehhhh…. really… hard to imagine…. what tsukasa-kun deals with…. how Hanako-kun appears from his position….

あ： nene thinking harder, in ways hanako and tsukasa just cannot: if i was just holding some other girl while hanako fingered her or something. omg wait! that sucks 😭hold on!

つ：WAIT THAT WOULD RUIN ME I justs had to listen to wahtever Hanako-kun said to her and trust it applied to me too😭 WE'RE NOT ALIKE AT ALL, TSUKASA-KUN

あ：🐟💭i guess i'm insecure even when i'm in the 'center' of this-!!!!!

つ：it's so overwhelming, but, there are worse things than being overwhelmed, aren't there…. ah, somehow, tsukasa-kun… he seems so overwhelmed by the little he gets, doesn't he…. that's amazing, but…. is it really good…? he was so happy, being spoken to, just now…. though, he's kind of always happy, isn't he…. should I be concerned? Is this overthinking…. but, well….

[huff] its Hanako-kun who I'm concerned about here….! why can't he….. do more…..Tsukasa-kun's graciousnesss…. it kind of feels like it's letting Hanako-kun get away with something…. just because someone allows such a lax treatment… does that make it alright? h-hmm… this is complicated.

あ：nene capable of being like ah hold on matte matte… …… i mean… i guess hanako-kun could.. technically treat ME in lots of ways and i'd… [this is scalping but.] ………………………………. 6_6

つ：s... so long as.... I was still... there.....

あ：i would just. be happy to be his girl i guess [bald]

つ：m-maybe that's, s, satisfying in and of itself, u-uhm… ettoo…… mmm.. l-like, my own. ah. loyalty, p.. proven m-maybe that's why Tsukasa-kun is so self-satisfied…. hmm, I suddenly feel like the most immature one here, ….. -- EXCEPT, HANAKO-KUN is just following his whims….! mmm

あ：…. but still, why doesn't hanako-kun want to be any nicer, is he really okay with treating his younger twin brother this way…. [indignant] hey, arent i older!

つ：… Tsukasa-kun said… he was born for Amane… that is how he feels, isn't it…. it's…. almost literal-feeling, in his case, isn't it….

あ：I suppose I can't imagine what it would be like to always be with Hanako-kun, since I was born.... [gets emo on tsukasa's behalf]

つ：see i want a threeway where hanako starts talking to nene as he does, and she just fucking grabs tsukasa's face and puts his face in hanako's face, and hanako is like RECORD SCRATCH

あ：it is her job to be like hey!!!

つ：[Hanako tries to look away. nene insanely grabs his jaw too] she didn't have a plan. this isn't actually well executed just got. indignant

あ：if we're just grabbing each other's faces out here if thats how we do things

つ：[trying to be fucking. firm-footed. we do things like this out here, don't we!! I'M OLDER] WHY DO WE ALWAYS LISTENT O ONLY HANAKO-KUN

あ：lol flksdghdf it feels like itd be such a [staring at each other] tsukasa [spiritually] hi handsem

つ：wiggles fingers hello vibes smiles so pleasantly! fancy seeing you heeere

nene trying to be a bold, dominant force: WHY DON'T YOU SAY HOW YOU FEEL, H, HANAKO-KUN! ALWAYS TELLING US, W,WHAT TO, DO, MMMAKING US TALK TO YOU… WH, WHAT ABOUT TSUKASA-KUN… C. CAN YOU TALK TO HIM FOR ONCE

[hands shaking holding them in place above her]

あ：wtf you dont kiss me i kiss you [pouts] hanako, disoriented, like -- where am i . werent we all like. Me: I own you You: You own us

つ：Tsukasa is just like [trapdoor mouth] heke? but I also think given a beat Tsukasa would be like… Nene-chan doesn't have to do this….❤️ you don't have to talk, Amane!

YES HE DOES

[enjoying this immensely] oh

あ：heiki heiki🤤 daijoubu im fiibne.

つ：sssooo like mnn hehe ouhhh this is so cuuute endearing awe nene-chan mmmblblbl enjoying staring at amane though like mm yes hehe

あ：a moment of pleasure for me

i think hanako is just like !? [frozen. bc the sheer like. what.] [internally, flatly] what you want me to what [frowns] [but like its so 'what' that he cant actually freak tf out about it really its like ?] especially when tsukasa is just like looking at him dopily i think its like

つ：………………….. we're too familiar for this, Yashiro. You don't get it [shittily]

あ：yeah. like . uhhh. lol…. n-no? Why would I tell Tsukasa my feelings.

つ：b. because…..

あ：He doesn't need to hear my feelings. Isn't that right. Tsukasa.

つ： I already know how Amane feels.

[wilting a little] BUT ISN'T IT NICE TO. TO HEAR IT!? YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT, DON'T YOU?!

あ："Hey……."

つ：Y, YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT!! IT FEELS GOOD TO HEAR IT!!! WHAT ARE WE DOING BUT MAKING. EACH OTHER. FEEL GOOD!!!!

あ：💭 you want me to make my little brother "feel good" ? kimochi warui

つ：I GET TO HEAR IT!!! A-AND YOU, JUST, S, sit there, I, I get that it's different, but….. b, but, T, Tsukasa-kun is. He's, he's patient, a-and,

wag wag awe Nene-chan….. wtf defending meeeee 💔 aweee

あ：Amane becoming like the. Looks at you expressionlessly like you are a particle. but i think he's not really offended by this still, it's just like. raises brow.

つ：I-I know he's content with just being present, I know it's different, but.. [trying so hard to articulate her own thesis. should have thought this through]

あ：tilts head. looks at her with some genuine pity, like, man she's upset about something isn't she. lifts head out of her hold but slowly, not ripping away or anything. reaches down, pets her head

So… you feel bad for Tsukasa because he's… well-behaved or something

つ：tsukasa, scalping Amane: It's difficult for Amane, so he doesn't need to do it Nene-chan is so kind…..

あ：[chuffs] Hey. Quit it This isn't about me

つ：YOU LISTEN TO HIM TALKING TO ME…. you respond, too… to it….I feel it. receiving things so indirectly always…… a. aren't I…. …. spoiled….?

あ：You are spoiled. [not helping]

つ：slaps him a little

あ：deserved. allows it necessary

つ：[MOVING ON] Tsukasa-kun…. can it really be like this forever, and be okay…. we… aren't exactly the same, actually….

I couldn't do what you do, at all…! If I was…. with, p, people, but I was always…. on the sides…. if I was just holding onto someone else…. someone else getting all the, love poured into them….

あ：[watching her go on like sheesh… when you say it like that] [starting to feel a lil bad. hackles raise.]

つ：[nnnnnot my bullshit being laid out]

あ：but you put hanako in such a position of... what, are you going to defend that you're very loving to tsukasa

つ：or do you si t there and wait for TSUKASA to do so hell both ways

あ：i dont like where this is going [trying to intercept tsukasa responding] Well, what am I supposed to do, to make you feel better Yashiro? You just want me to tell him, [falters.] that, it's good that he's here or whatever [6:53 PM] [trying to think on his feet] it's… I mean, the fact that I'm even letting him stay in the room. Is all the proof.

つ：tsukasa nodding feeling. feeble.

あ：… [doesnt like the vibes…] [looking at nene who is like, wet eyed at this point surely. troubled looking.] [feeling like Ohhhhh what do you want to hear…] rubs face.

つ：so feeling, stupid and belittled and yet still somewhat righteous, but unable to understand how to articulate any of it

あ：tsukasa must feel like oh poor nene she really is sad for me wwww

つ：petting her, shushing her, rubbing her lovingly with Amane….. [softly] …. I'm like Nene-chan, in the future Nene-chan… is like me, before!

Amane, [readying the scalping device] was… Amane. Hehe. I would lose something of his…. or break it… and he would say [PERFECT IMPRESSION] TSUKASA, YOU IDIOT …. [smiling] he's like that

he would groan [PERFECT IMPRESSION] UUGHHghh, Tsukasa! hehe. It's like that for Nene-chan, now ….. but. That's not how Amane really feels. Of course, of course! Of course, you know, how he really feels! It's easier to groan, hehe

but… we're having fun here, Tsukasa….. even if you know it's true….. objectively…. it would feel good to have….. more…..wouldn't it….?

[plainly] If Amane wanted to give me more, I would like that. Is Nene-chan going to make him?

n-. n-no ,

[disappointed] awe. okay!

w-wait.

あ：while they talk

つ：hanako transforming into a corn cob

あ：like sttttoppppp….. stop it [reactively] its not THAT hard, i dont need to be FORCED tsukasa is talking about me being. A LITTLE KID im not like that now [getting sooo.. like.. omgg stop the drags… stooop… IM NOT SIX ANYMOOORE THIS ISNT LIKE BREAKING MY TOY TRAIN] [FUCK!!!] but i think this would make tsukasa feel so ahaha. no you are still amane like nene goes chigau. that is you now.

つ：its not so different.

あ：tsukasa agrees. un un. oh its amane.

つ：he does call me dummy, sometimes

un un

あ：[feeling like he is being forcefully shrunked] wwHAAAT WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? "THANKS FOR HOLDING YASHIRO WHILE I FUCK HER" ?F/GJFD "THANKS FOR BEING SO WELL-BEHAVED AND LOYAL THAT YOU PROP HER UPF OR ME"

つ：[talking to tsukasa, somewhat ignoring hanako] he's always saying things are self-evident and stuff…..

un, un he doesn't like to say it directly. action, action! Amane is about action! to your bodyyy [wiggling fingers] hehehe

あ：tsukasa, kindly: moe deshou. kawaii

つ：moe makes nene giggle

あ：kawaii desuyo ne… nene: souu…

つ：… un…… moee….. closes eyes, nodding sortof whispering towards tsukasa but still audible: but doesn't it make you wish it would be challenged….

あ：oh it's very fun to see amane be challenged [tongue lolling emotion] his reactions are the best so, will you? [wishmaker voice]

but during this babbling i do want amane to just burst out like HEY. [INTERRUPTS.] Look look look…………………. Fine. We'll try it out. [like ugh.. UGH. it doesnt matter wtf.] so can we stop talking and actually get to the funs tuff

getting indignant about not being predictable. its NOT in my nature. i'll show you two…

つ：i'm not even, having problems!!!

あ：If it really matters soo much to you Yashiro. Fine! Whatever you know. Oh me? Totally fine

つ：tsukasa smiling pleasantly. flowers around. mmm hehe

あ：[HUFFS]. watch this. [coughs] GOOD BOY TSUKASA. [like i am blasting a sonic beam]

つ：big eyes also big eyes she can observe it indeed working but its so funny, the crudest animal, he is just buzzing like ehheheheehe!!!! REALLY!!

あ：the way you can't eat food as a joke etc. [not a very immediate response, but trying to maintain cool front] Mmm-hmm… of. course you are. You're always good. [hurriedly, no homo] Just like Yashiro. 💭 cuz you two are ~the same~ or whatever. ohh good for you.

つ：ah he's so funny he is so protected. just funny

but tsukasa is just like paaant hehe CANT RESIST PUTTING ARMS AROUND SHOULDERS!!! THANK YOU, AMANE!!! nuzzle nuzzle nuzzle

あ：trying to prove a point but feeling so

つ：simply satisfied with this step 1. like we're rehabilitating an animal

あ：[grabs tsukasa's shoulders. but stops self from prying off.] [slack grip.] [doesnt. know what to do.] Yeah yeah you're welcome… [rolls shoulders.]

つ：hugs tsukasa….. you are good….. it'll be even more fun, some day

oooouu really……?

mmhm!

あ：Mhmm. [not looking at anything.] So fun. [sounds like i am appeasing some choddlers]

つ：grabs his cock

あ：[promising a kid you'll buy them a unicorn-- HRUGHFD]GF

つ：the way nene is threatening shijima. hthat sort of heelturn she can do or when she suddenly berates hanako after playing easygoing/dumb

あ：yes omg… played you under the fucking table actually i love whens he threatens shijima she gets all devil horns fully upright horns

つ：pumps through slacks. has her hand just between them, and a hand on tsukasa's back, still, from the hug

tsukasa is like hmmm, i see i see, holds Amane in place. increases grip on shoulders.

あ：Oh like the sound of iron bars slamming shut. it's all happening so fast -- like tsukasa reacted just before he could peel off and escape hand

Expert tsukasa reaction time So you just have Hanako kicking his legs about and making as if to float/inch backwards

startled horse out here. but ohhhhhhhhhh i think the cock pain is unimaginable in this position. 0-100… you weren't actually keeping track of yourself this whole time. feels like your body has been tense and wound up from all the prattling becomes so very hard in her grip it's abysmal

つ：nene has a devil horns mode somewhere inside of her. actually hanako being shitty this whole time has just made her certain of doing this, at a point.

あ：He thinks he can talk down to us like we're just two dumb kids or something ooooh....

つ：[flatly] oh, you got hard fast.

あ：dissociates

つ：slides hand into pants. just jerks off so fast

あ：It's never so. fast

つ：tsukasa's hand of this deal is simply being face against amane's cheek and nuzzling and getting THE most upclose experience of him breathing and panting and shuddering everrr WOOOOOWWWW

[heavily] Thhis is ffun, Nene-chan…… [breathed into Amane's ear]

あ：the-- you should never be talking to your sibling if you can see/touch your penis. shouldn't be chest to chest with tsukasa in embrace while getting cock stroked. sirens going off. WE ARE IN DANGER

but i think delightfully it shuts his brain down enough that he has no freaking plan of escape and is just squirmbling… grapples, grasps tsukasa and nene intermittently, tight grasps! but i think she is scarily determined and unfettered by some sloppy pawing at

they both feel amane buck into her hand harshly as tsukasa speaks… shuddering… trying to choke down noises….

つ：nene-chan is very impressive, he thinks.....

あ：very clever girl!

つ：tsukasa-kun, maybe you could keep doing that…..

mmm, talking? uuehehehe

あ：nene onee-chan is in the room, has the mic. i think she could be soo needling and exact actually, like: I can feel that he likes you talking.

つ：😮

あ：hauhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh reallyyyyy?

つ：make hanako grab his own face

あ：you are FLAYING HIM it sjust like NNGHFD!!! knocks off my hat

つ：Amane…. it's good if it's for Nene-chan, right…? Isn't it good? she wants this….. you're pleasing her! That feels good, doesn't it, Amane? You can't feel bad for doing something she likes

(why am I on blast….)

あ：(thats how it is girl…)

つ：he is chaotic alignment.

mm, mmm, you're giving her a show….! She likes us, you know….

あ：[hands claw at the front of tsukasa's shirt] [scrabble scrabble.. restless…]

つ：….[thinking about the show, for her, then] …… I love you❤️

あ：hanako has become the big show. [cock painfully, dramatically seizing in her grip] i think its so oo lfijgghf. like hg fkghf dont tsay yhtat while i am getting jerked off so hard ifkdgh ..f [leaks] [drips onto her]

つ：nene finally tongue-tied observing this. ack. ddndmn. boys simply can only keep pumping mindlessly

あ：its a lot to be right up against. sheeesh the intensity…

つ：petting Amaneeee... really stroking face, hair, back. no longer gripping him tightly in place...

あ：A good position honestly… i like how he could reach past tsukasa to touch nene for comfort too, pet her hair… not in any state to like… flee.. its like ooh…….. youve shrunk him…

つ：gaze BESEECHINGLY but helplessly. while bucking into hand. does this pleeaaase youuuuu

あ：is this really whatis wanted [whines.]

つ：shudders to hear him whiine so close.... also whines, like sympathetic animal

あ：help… the whacky shaaack [RUBS FACE AGAINST…]

つ：the threeway… was dangerous, always HYUUEEEE NUZZLING. STEAM COMES OFF HEAD

あ：nuzzling but in a manner like two possessed animals frenetic energy. we are not calming down from it

rub rub rub… ohh and the way tuggies can be sooo violent when youre feeling it like fucks hand soo hard. rhghfg… always feel insane when im feeling it THAT hard. girl isnt even moving her hand much

つ：at this point…. she is really just feeling his pace and intensity, it's mostly him now…. seeing them nuzzle… w… whoa…. never seen it like this… haven't imagined it like this…. ! s. sweet, right….

moves hands to weirdly touch his ribs, buttons of his gakuran

あ：auerrr.. dizzying… reflexively, hanako feels fear about something like this. gut clenches. you usually are trying to live your life so that you would never be in a position like this. [thinks] oh but the brain…! you know, i think everything that lead up to this has left him in a position where there's a voice that's just like.. wailing in the brain… like… 'why can't you just say it back… why can't you just say you love them…! why can't you just say it… i want to say it! i want to say it back… i do! i do want to…' [eyes squeezed shut, teeth bared] [shaking head back and forth] [pulling hips away in fear, pushing them back into grip harshly in desperation] … there's times where your own mental barriers are sooo at war with your raw raw brain being activated by sex.. like… it's as if someone has escaped prison and is trying to grab the mic -- QUICK, NOW!! N OW… SAY IT!! say it say it say it say it.. say it. say it!!!!!! say it…. you don't even tell yashiro it, you're soo shitty, PLEASE, SAY IT!! SAY SOMETHING!!! [throat SEALED.] SAY IT [lips twitching, pulling] [swallowing, tongue curling] CMONN JUST.. [sound that dies off in 1 second, rghh SCALDING NOO MURI MURI IF FGHDF I CANT]

it should be fine it will be fine. they'd be so happy to hear it. you're fucking them, why wouldn't you want them to feel good. [bonk. bonk.] but also: [DYING, CRYING, FEEL LIKE BODY IS GOING TO INVERT, TONGUE HURTS, MUSCLES ARE TENSE!! REFUSE]

つ：a part of hanako that is like I HATE IT THE MOST IF I SAY IT IN THIS CIRCUMSTANCE!!! [but it takes a circumstance like this to say it, the way it works]

あ：i dont want to do it like this NOOO its not faaair i dont want to ITS EMBARRASSING HA-ZU-KA-SHIII!! FSDHGJF NOOOO… but also like: I KNOW YOU WONT DO IT LATER!! ASSHOLE

absolutely NO way will you say it in a casual context!!!

つ：that is the problem . you wont even THINK about saying it later, when you're all comfortable when the world is your oysterrrrr

あ：the more he tries… really TRIES to say something.. the more its like.. [choking sounds..] [pulls own hair] … i think it really cannot even get close to the sounds… such a hump, its just like vague buzzing in the throat.

[mouth moving indistinctly]

つ：tsukasa listening attentively to the starts and stops.... can tell he's trying at something... which is interesting.

あ：but i think itd be cuuute if… like he has to pivot and hoarsely say 'help' amane needs. help [shaking tsukasa's shoulders slightly] [head hung]

つ：!!! … [whispering like child] from me, or Nene-chan

あ：who do i give the gun

つ：all good, and terrible options

あ：difficult. oh but you know… despite everything, i do think its like, it is nene who is assaulting me and i think he's kind of feeling an instinctive urge to hide against tsukasa. your little shriveled pea islike my gf is scary… brother help

its funny… when i think about the hindbrain tsukasa wouldnt do this to me😭

つ：kowaii nene-chan!!! ITS TRUE. your gf is scarier

あ：in response to tsukasa's question, amane's hands reach up and grab tsukasa's face weakly wordless

つ：ah! [oh its me!] [actually quietly enough to not be heard by nene, especially over all the rustling….] yes, Amane…?

あ：[simmering slightly… what is this ……….. it feels like we're under a blanket and tsukasa is talking to me in the middle of big kid stuff…] [.. shimmies closer. umm turns out , whispering helps the feeble sealed throat] i w. i want to… >///<;;;. say. stuff. [muttering] but s'harrd.d….

つ：hmmm... how can I help you say it?

あ：[groans...] i dont know.......!! ........ ... i dont know what my problem is.

つ：nene so fucking interested in fact whispering is happening. suddenly feels like damn they are brothers IM the fuckin third wheel omfg

あ：holy shit…! [but like respectfully] thats fair for now. [closes eyes]

つ：it is like. respectfully .

あ：its funny to like pause jerking off. but still hand on cock

つ：you can't let him escape but indeed. ceases pumping. they are. talkingit seems rude.

hmmm. do you want to say something good? or bad? its like lol is he trying to say stop or something nasty or something nice …/?? hmhmm

あ：its good to be wondering lol [hanako looking miserable] good…? [pinches brow, frustrated] no, wait, definitely good. you. you want to hear it. i just. [rhg!] i just want to… i want to be like. [RGH!!!]

つ：oh, something I want to hear….! [sound of a penny falling to the ground] do you want to ask to kiss?

あ：

you've made me so angry

つ：I'M SORRY HANAKO I'M SAYING YES TO THE MOMENT AND THAT IS WHAT TSUKASA WOULD SAY oh shit what i want? ok

あ：[distracted] you want to kiss. (fucking.. where the fuck am i!!!!!!!)

つ：nods it feels good

あ：uhuh. you know that

つ：they're talking so much.....

あ：its getting stupid out here [flatly] I don't want to say anything actually.

つ：fucking fsdklj;gkl;gjgklf;gg THIS IS HOW NARROW THE HOLE IS BUT ITS SO GOOD!!!! so ufunnyy.

あ：Unfortunately. Its gone there's no more urgency

つ：awe…..! okay…… …. nene-chan has paused. …. do you wanna finish

あ：you almost want to be like. No [sighs and slumps on] [just. reaches down and moves nene's hand] commence.

つ：o-oh..!!! c. continues?? tsukasa-kun… is he okay…..

un un…. [whispering to Amane again, much to nene's chagrin] amane asked me what i'd like to hear…. … there's too many of those to help you so, I'll never guess it.

you have to imagine tsukas'as brain trying to procure 'thing i want amane to say' is fucking. like. a cacophony of possibilities. and theyre mostly like. TSUKASA LET'S PLAY, TSUKASA LET'S HAVE A STARING CONTEST LIKE WE USED TO, TSUKASA I WANT TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER,

あ：hm things to make a guy horny honestly… you know amane's own nature keeps him suspended in things longer than necessary, you really put yourself into a state of being edged

so funny though youve kind of made it worse bc this time youre gonna b elike: kiss……… while getting jerked off again

つ：and then the ones Amane would especially not want to hear, the ill stuff like Tsukasaaaa let me do it againnnn, it felt so good [to stab you], Tsukasa you looked so good that day toooo, Tsukasaaaaa can I come on you

the fucking unending list of things Tsukasa Would Like To Hear. Would be a Tome

あ：hanako knows not what he is getting horny about i think its such a brainless reaction like oh you got so much huh

つ：lots.

あ：this is making suki feel like small potatoes

つ：in the grand scheme it is kind of small potatoes which is extremely funny its like, larger potatoes to NENE to overhear

like it would touch her heart. DONT GET ME WRONG TSUKASA WOULD LOVE IT AND BE VERY ENAMOURED TO HEAR IT!!!! amane is losing his mind over a single MINERAL

あ：no yes of course. oh its funny if. like despite the conversation devolving seemingly. that actually tsukasa took the edge off of things and hanakois like hwatever. i can say it in a roundabout way. like not how you think

つ：so effectively. so funny but it should work that way. like wtf

あ：you just made it feel so like [looks] [sighs while getting jerked off again] [leisurely almost] i love you too. there done. OHH everyone fucking clap now

つ：!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

あ：thats right

つ：[overlapping audio] AMANE!!!!

HANAKO-KUN!!!!

あ：[leaks]

つ：[ALL HANDS RUSH FORWARDS TO PET]

あ：(⊙_◎)

つ：AMANEEE AMANE AMANEEEEE AHAHAHHAHAHA I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THAT!! [stomps foot] I WOULD I WOULD I WOULD!!!

[wiping a tear] ah… I did something….. !!! good for them…. this feels like something has been loosened….. I did something nice…. after all…

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!! Amane!!! [NUZZ NUZZ]

あ：[being assaulted, but stress has been diffused enough that he can just cough. loll head, eyes lidded still]

つ：I love you, too…..!

あ：I love you… [muttering.]

つ：[cracks voice bc he is so precious rn, wtf!!]

あ：[reaches and pets nene] [cups her face for a bit]

つ：a more elegant, delicate jerking motion, loving caresses

あ：well here i am… (￣、￣) and. indeed. this feels good. okay i did it. (￣﹃￣) i proved myself i close my eyes and ic ome. because ti is my choice

つ：nene snaking in to kiss him on the cheek comes peacefully

あ：i like to do it. [rests chin on tsukasa's shoulder]

つ：it pleases my compatriots.

nene after this is like. HOOUUUUUUUUhh… OOFs down like ahhh a hardworking girl, exhausted, emotionally…. but this ended so well…. pleased… satisfied…. mmm

あ：imagining hanako having become so placid he looks kind of dead-eyed and vacant

つ：[whispering, but audibly, to Nene. I dont need Amane to not hear this.] Thank you, Nene-chan…! I really liked it! its so fun to be right there!

あ：[loudly] I liked it too. [broken]

つ：turns

turns

あ：fkdghdf looks like fucking.. WHAT!!!!!!!!! "SORRY. should i say that i HATED it."

つ：both nene and tsukasa so like mmmmnn..g…h…. mmm…. mmm ah, they both laugh at him… giggly bubbly girlz

あ：what the fuck…………. [floats out of the room]

つ：continue giggling in a pile, facing each other…. for nene, it's an adrenaline rush finally like ah, petering off… wooo the butterflies, settling…! little tangle of limbs with tsukasa, hands intermingled, knees against one another…..

they will touch foreheads and laugh and have an odd atmosphere of nuzzling for a while. i wish i could make hanako regret leaving like he comes back and they are kissing lol

あ：loool yes oh my god the most like cucked feeling what hte fuck [angry]

つ：calmly kissing. happened organically. we didnt think about it

tsukasa was thinking about kissing and nene-chan was very keen on gazing upon tsukasa directly for once, not avoiding him, as that defeats the point of her new creed, and one thing lead 2 another, didn't think about it too hard

あ：Hanako whenever he forces his way between kou and nene. like slides myself in the middle physically descends on you two like an annoying weiner dog

visually i just love the thought of squirmbling over and descending between them. wergle wergle. chuffs.

つ：nene feels a bit shy about it like flkjsklf ah what HAS come over me omg… c. crazy day. feels slightly corrected (but a little amused….)…. tsukasa just feels LOL HAHA [cuddles j00 then. puts leg and arm around]

あ：[grabs her pussy] these actions happening simultaneously

つ：one motion nuzzle . doesnt notice you went for nene's pussy. just thinks we're snuggling all of us. ready for a naparoo

あ：[just wordlessly i continue to rub her pussy] its a crazy day indeed

つ：nene kinda feeling like a . oh i could get fingered… i was such a good girl for hanako-kun i did a good thing and I feel good about it, being fingered would be nice

あ：the receptiveness would make hanako feel like "sigh. i also would like to finger" but a funny atmosphere of doing this with tsukasa like. wrapped around. but like… allows it.

つ：some mutually comforting fingering for us. with tsukasa just latched affectionately, causing no problems. its like what nene did was increase possibility for things like… this. hanako technically in between them.

あ：you've greased the wheels… fingering nene… getting nuzzled… its good though…. mmm its almost like its… its easy enough to quietly use other hand to just pet tsukasa. rub…

つ：feeling the most, mmm my... dogs.... sigh. peaceful vibes. nene clinging and tugging, her girlish self. a kind of... nostalgic feel to how 'basic' this lil session is. nice for hanako

あ：can just get lost in the sauce of fingering. and we just enjoy that and do not engage in mental chess

siiiigh i want hanako's own stubbornness to kind of loop around into… like wanting to prove a point in how not big a deal this stuff is for me, look. but instead just entrapping himself in circumstances where he cannot escape the raw responses.. like. Look how cool and progressive i am (kisses Tsukasa on the head) or smtn. i lean over and peck on cheek. but then you are forced to live in the moment of both Nene and Tsukasa becoming [stare]

and also not being like brave still lakshfhd like youre so far from makeouts…

つ：i changed so much. i altered hanako's dna

whoa. o3o ….. tucks… against amane's back….

あ：humbling to be chuu'd

つ：one little step atta time!

i like that hanako will probably just like, decompress from THIS day… but spend remaining days just like. thinking about freaking… Nene… Tsukasa…. these freaks

she wants me to idk DO SOMETHING with him, he wants to, kiss me, nene would probably love to WATCH that…. i didn't ask for this this was not brought on be me, i wuld never instigate this .. BUT NEITHER WUOLD TSUKASA

あ：Why would Nene want me to look at Tsukasa while she jerks me off. wakaranai Didn't she just say that she would be too insecure if she was off to the sides. when justin is like. bitches be crazy

つ：bitches! be crazy!

あ：tsukasa definitely wouldn't do that like. i mean he hasn't.

つ：he is not that rogue.

あ：Even if……… like………….. on some technical level………….. Tsukasa would enjoy kissing me…. [don't like to think it.] …………… I mean, we literally lived and died together. And that's not what happened.

[self aware moment] I mean. Tsukasa… wouldn't. Force himself onto me. [mouth pressed into a line] I can clip him for just hugging me too much. [but you hate the self awareness] it's kind of my fault for not rejecting the situation harder earlier. bUT I WOULD BE MORE SANE IF YASHIRO HADN'T GOTTEN ALL COCK CRAZY

つ：its hard for a guy to think while he's being jerked off! i can't make decisions like that! i can't slice the pie!!!

あ：fucking.. what guy can say no to hottest girl he knows jerking him off!! of course it feels good wtf so it's her fault i guess

[literally stewing for hours] …. and tsukasa even TOLD yashiro that he is fine with things, and, HE IS, he's liable to stick his hands somewhere he shouldn't for a second but-- He's just not thinking, it's like when he'd make a grab for food too fast before mom set it down

つ：he's just childish like that it's YASHIRO who wants to.. take things to some, new level. For some reason….! Pervert… a perversion of my relationship

あ： Insatiable… Not satisfied with things as they are… for some reason It's not enough to be sitting on Tsukasa like some luxurious throne while I fuck her

つ：its not enough to be so spoiled, i have to be harassed…

do enjoy thinking about Hanako toasting himself internally while starting out/trying to drag nene mentally for being the weird one here. you just get to the point its inevitably like. depraved… horny,gf. bizarre, freakish girl, wants it to get so weird in here, ew, wants to swap spit with me and my little brother like a whore

[just laying like this for a long time] [notices he has a boner] N

あ：Hanako is making the air quantifiably more humid

つ：i love a guy alone in his bathroom at night with too much spare time to think. alone with boner

あ：Honestly I think about this so much. I mean it's actually kind of what my reoccurring bit is with Hanako, where -- in , shaming you for being horny about this, he goes on to describe things graphically and gets horny in teh act of doing it

I do think whenever it's like: Stupid slut.. what… you want me to fuck his face he's really stoking himself at the thought

つ：stroking himself

あ：I think also the format of bullying makes him get cruder and harsher than he would normally... but htis just makes him. horny!!!!!!!!!!

つ：not being eloquent guy no more

あ：While trying to be upsetting. its like whaaaaat... you wanna jus twatch... finger yourself.. while he jerks me off [losing vision]

つ：its his own fault. But it's a noxious cloud effect where it dissintegrates nene too much for her to be the one to call him out, and turns tsukasa into the one like [looks]

あ：You know when a character is just broke. and they walk themselves back into, like, having fantasies

Your brain like ran a maze incidentally. desperate for pleasure It just expands Hanako's brain to think in this format. you can suddenly see so many positions

つ：its one situation though where nobody can do basically anything... it will just be hanako rambling like a madman, horny, tsukasa getting hot wind into his brain like mnrgm? (has NEVER congealed this imagery in his LIFE)

nene recieving this like it'sa scolding, but its also things she could have NEVER congealed as imagery, either!!!

あ：the [chuckles im in danger kid] fused with [why would you draw that] meme

つ：dealing with the immediacy of the imagery hanako is creating images for everyone involved to be slack jawed at

[magnoliamyrrh]

just in case i don’t want to talk abt this any more tw incest u could just delete this

horrific n downright wrong. i wanna say u n everyone else includin that anon did not deserve this n the collective u deserves so much more but i am so grateful seein people talk abt this. i was raised w the extreme pressure that my gen was goin to break the cycle of that type of abuse n i have to come to terms that we didn’t n that’s ok at least to me. it’s so hard to admit to n so impactful to say out loud but it’s what has to b done. it a type of trauma that’s been in my fam for many many yrs n i gaslight myself into believin that we broke it. i stayed in denial n tbh still am in denial bcuz it’s so hard to blame a fam member. esp for me a girl n a teenage girl at that. this isn’t always the universal reaction so there is no guilt if this isn’t the case or if it is but u still luv them no matter what they did it’s so hard to blame them. but sexual abuse is sexual abuse. i hope to god every day that when i have children that will b when the cycle is broken n it all stops but i will never put the verbal pressure on them the way my parents did. one of them was a victim of smthn v extreme so i do not blame them (there it is again) but it’s torture to feel like u let them down when u did nothin wrong. admitting is always the first step to healin. i’m so proud of u for talkin abt this n that anon n everyone else.

ya! i think even though its uncomfortable as hell and disturbing its important that we talk about it. thank you <3 im proud of everyone who pitched in too, and of you, thank u for sharing; its really not easy. i dont think this is the sort of thing we can heal from individually, you know? especially when its a cultural thing. theres so much shame and fear and repression surrounding this kind of stuff, and the only way were gonna heal from it is if, like u said, well start accepting it and talking about it

and yea youre right it is really hard. like my father crossed any possible line with what he did and he abuses his wife too and. i really just want him dead like i dont give a damn, i have to try to calm myself bc i get too focused sometimes on how much i actually want him to suffer. but even with him at times im like,,,, ,, eh but i still care abt him? i went through a whole phase where i felt like it was my responsabilites to help him or like heal him from how deranged he is lmao. but it doesnt last long. but with everyone else its different. (?) like. i realized like idk a year ago that uh yea my grandma did lowkey molest me and it actually made me feel fucking insane. i had no idea what do with it and i still dont?? and its fucked and definitely not ok but like...,,, we all pretend like its fine or just didnt happen i guess bc its,, normal? acceptable??? its weird as all hell, most of the time i just kinda try to not think abt it because i have no idea how to even feel abt the woman when i do. if anything as much as it definitely kinda fucked me up, im frankly way more pissed abt the physical abuse/beatings and endless insults and yelling and shit - like that actually probably did more damage to me. but still like idk yea i .. idk if i excuse it but i definitely explain it like oh she didnt know better etc etc etc. but that doesnt.. ugh it doesnt excuse it?? but i still love her and care for her?? its a fucking nightmare to try to detangle all that. and the shit w my mom too and other family members like uh yea it grosses me out and definitely got to me, this combination of being raised as property + controlling parents + sexualized + actually being whored out by father has k.o.d whatever mental sanity i could have had and it took me many years to.... idk. even start remotely working through all that. but. i still care abt them...?? i think the fact that its no longer happening and dont rly consider it on the same level as the shit w my dad makes it kinda different in my head but its still not fucking ok

and yea. definitely one of the hardest parts of it is being blamed for being uncomfortable/grossed out or even punished for being so when rly thats such a normal reaction to have to this shit. it is psychologically torturous and it is gaslighting and it rly fucks u up in the head..... and its really hard to get to the point where u dont feel like u did anything wrong or you werent to blame. i do presume that w this particular kind of shit tho a lot of it is that they probably went through similar stuff, internalized and repressed it, never dealt w it, and then just proceed to do the same

i hope to god too ill be different. i want to believe in both of us and this new generation that we'll do a better job. i think the fact that were even talking abt it shows some progress u kno. my mother and grandmother told me for many years that i wont do a better job than them and its just normal for kids to be raised w beatings and yelling and insults and controlling behavior and all that shit,,,, but. ive always been terrified of that. since i was little i knew if i ever had a kid i wouldnt want to put them through any of this. if i cant break the cycle id rather not raise a kid at all. at least for the past like year or two my mother has actually accepted that some of the shit she did wasnt okay and that she was abused by my grandmother too and..... apologized??? which was insane. so. idk. its been a long and weird fucking process. but. i dont think its hopeless

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[mickstart]

hi bestie, I’m honestly still in shock and disassociated with reality after what happened to lewis and I’m so scared to go on social media and look at news articles cause they’ll be going off about how lewis’ dominance is finally ending and whatnot, so I kinda wanted to rant and maybe get reassurance?? that the king is still rising and he’ll only come back stronger cause as nico said, lewis is scarier when he’s hunting from behind??

what are your thoughts on this, are we seeing a red bull resurgence or is lewis only getting stronger and more able as a driver? I’ve only recently got into f1 but I’ve known lewis for years and he’s only gotten more impressive, especially with how committed he is for the environment and equality. will France see the return of the king?? will we see lewis coming back to take the crown like he did in 2018 I think it was? When he wasn’t even leading until halfway through the season?

so sorry for the massive rant, I just wanted to get this off my chest and get some assurance, especially with how wrecked and heartbroken lewis looked yesterday...

;Hey nothing to be sorry for bestie I completely understand feeling a little Out Of It from this! I honestly haven't been able to look at post race stuff with Lewis bc the way he sounded on the radio is just haunting me. Putting this under a cut because I also needed to do a massive rant about how good Lewis is.

First of all: for sure red bull have massively improved and are the best car this year. The regulations specifically target Merc and no amount of Sky trying to downplay how much better the red bull is magically gives Merc the better car again. Valtteri is not struggling that badly with the car because he's suddenly forgotten how to drive, it is clearly a hard car to drive. Realistically, it was only a matter of time before Max and red bull led the championship at some point this year.

But honestly? In Bahrain the scenario we're in now was so far beyond my best case scenario. I truly expected max to lead the championship from bahrain and be running away with it now whilst lewis and merc tried to sort out their problems. The fact that Lewis led the championship - for MULTIPLE races - is like.... it's insane to me. Going into this season I LIKED Lewis as a person sure, but I wouldn't have said he was one of my top 3 drivers. But every single race this season he's been more impressive. His talent, how hard he works, his mentality as a competitor, it has all just been amazing to watch. It keeps hitting me that this is a seven time world champion in his strongest era. I see absolutely zero loss in Lewis' skill, if anything I think he's either still sitting on his peak or still rising.

I know it sucks right now because Monaco and Baku back to back have been terrible races for Lewis, but recency bias is a huge problem in F1 and we need to look at it in context that this feels worse BECAUSE of monaco. Neither tracks suited the W12 and in Monaco Mercedes were an absolute disaster, as poor Valtteri proves. In Baku Lewis accidentally hit one button and the restart went to hell, other than that he was flawless all race and once again got fucked by a bad mercedes pit stop. Also, Mercedes struggle with softer tyres and I think we all suspect the tyres at Baku were too soft for EVERYONE let alone a team that struggles with the softs.

Two bad calls that are entirely on mercedes, and one accidental button press. When you look at it like that absolutely nothing damns Lewis or suggests he's losing it. Quite the opposite actually. It's just unfortunate they happened one after the other.

So Mercedes need to get their shit together - they can do that - but Lewis? Lewis has been dragging these clowns to glory. Lewis has been the apex predator. This season so far has only proven his skill and regardless of what happens with the championship I think that in 5 years time - with hindsight and such - people are going to look back at this year and say that THIS is the year to watch to see an F1 legend at his peak. Lewis has pulled off miracles this year. Two bad races in a row - at tracks where he has to work the car to its absolute limits - don't diminish that.

So yeah, I think that in France Lewis is going to be back at it again. As you said, Lewis always vibes better with the tracks after mid season and at France Red Bull will lose the flexi-wing advantage. I'm not guaranteeing everything will be perfect and rosy from France onward. This is going to be a tight season, and throughout the year we're going to see this pattern of red bull and mercedes trading bad days and good days and tracks that suit either car. Be prepared for that and remember the big picture. But am I worried that Baku means it's 'over' and Lewis is going to get eaten up by Red Bull? Absolutely not.

This sport is made up on hundredths of seconds. We see singular moments where one thing going wrong reshapes the entire narrative. We live in the moment because you have to live in the moment in F1. Sometimes we need to take a step back and see the bigger picture. Lewis was pushing the car to its limits, he lost positions solely because of the team's bad pit timing, and there were tyres blowing up around him with no warning which is a problem that's haunted him before. The pressure on him was immense, and STILL it wasn't really a mental mistake it was a physical one. Not to quote god himself but "Less button?" is a relevant rant today.

I get feeling bad after that race and I'm right there with you I was just sat there in utter shock for the last two laps. But trust me bestie, Monaco and Baku are outliers and should not be counted. Lewis is at his peak and only getting better and I think that Hamilton Resurgence this year is going to be the sexiest it's ever been. You’re feeling out of it BECAUSE lewis making a mistake is so unheard of. Feeling lost and upset when Lewis makes a mistake is itself reassuring proof that Lewis is THAT bitch who is normally rock solid.

The championship is in a holding pattern, neither Max nor Lewis lost or gained anything. Baku might as well have not happened for either of them, so let's follow that example. Strike Baku from your mind, from the record. We are in the same position we were in after Monaco, except we're going to a track that SHOULD suit us more than Baku.

This isn't the first seven time world champion I've defended from the press whilst a red bull driver was leading the championship and mercedes were being clowns, and 2012 taught me how to bite.

TL;DR - Baku means nothing, this is going to be a tight season and there will be days like this, but Lewis is operating at his peak and whatever bad takes the press have this doesn't change that. Baku is over, it's time for France.

[tigerdrop]

dogboy gordon rutting against benreys leg in the same way that benrey did it in the reverse. benrey encouraging him and also making fun of him in the same breath. yummy brain thoughts. i am rotating this

jesus christ i started thinking about dogboy gordon and have not stopped thinking. theres 7k words of dogboy stuff under here im going insane

how in the. help. Help. dog boy. how does he become dogboy. i cant keep giving these idiots potions but i guess thats what ive been reduced to

gman turns him into a dog boy. walks thru a portal and comes out in nintendogs but hes the dog and when he comes back out again hes still a little bit dogy. this is fucking stupid

THE TAIL WAGGING im going to pass away

> i think he would have such fucking issues with the fact that his tail and ears are expressing his emotions so much

trying to act angry towards benrey but hes given away by his tail wagging like crazy......and he never even knows its happening until somebody points it out

it would be cool if. um. he got a little more into roughhousing and rough play afterward. you know. like a . hes already really handsy......physical. . .. .

> okay like the anger turning into somewhat-serious jostling and pushing which turns into roughhousing

its not even horny at first it just gives him the weirdest fucking endorphins. like. its fucking fun man

> and by the time theyre roughhousing his tail is wagging furiously and like thumping on the floor when he gets pinned haha

> YES its about the exhilaration ......he gets this rush from flipping benrey over after he's pinning him, baring his teeth triumphantly

benrey pinning him by his wrists and half-laughing at him like "what the fuck is wrong with you??" and the rest of the science team chimes in like YEAH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS WHAT WAS THAT

> gordon comes back to himself and turns red immediately and splutters like "i dont know! what - im just - benrey started it!” so like he refuses to do it again but then benrey pushes his buttons and he gets in his face, ears pinned back a bit and shoves him and benreys like oh...so its this again huh...

GOD......PUSHING HIS BUTTONS.......its sooo much fun now that gordons so physically reactive too

> what if he manages to get an honest to god growl out of gordon at one point and it makes something ugly twist in benrey's gut and he wants to make it happen again

and its probably really gratifying for him to see just how often gordons tail wags when gordon looks at him or snorts at one of his jokes

TWO SIDES

> the duality of their relationship....gordons tail wagging just a bit when hes looking at benrey though im

> im thinking about the growling though like...benrey gets fixated on how he fucking sounds, all deep and rumbly and this intensity just focused on benrey only....makes him think about how that would look in other contexts....

> benrey riling him up while their roughousing so he can feel that growl travel through his chest and like...getting gordon to that point makes him SO determined to win the "fight" over benrey hes almost a bit out of his mind with it......pins benrey and subconsciously ruts against him a bit as a sign of dominance....please stop me now goodbye....

NO LITERALLY THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE MOMENT I STARTED TYPING

prodding gordon further and further and riling him up until gordon pins him to the floor, hard, an arm jammed behind his back and his HEV suit jammed up against benreys ass and rutting subconsciously as gordon. h. gordon. clamps down on the back of his neck and growls

benrey sucks in a rattling gasp and is like "what? ow" in a weirdly shocked yet distanced way

he cant feel where gordons hard b/c of the HEV suit but he can feel the metal awkwardly bumping against his ass Like That. and inwardly benreys on a loop of "what the fuck what the fuck" but not in a bad way in the slightest. just utterly cannot believe this is whats happening, right now, gordon freeman dry humping his ass behind a bunch of crates, not 100 feet from the rest of the science team

> gordon snapping out of it and being like...what the fuck am i doing... or....maybe the gasp makes gordon bite down harder in response...not sure

> gordon not even realizing hes doing it until that moment is so great....i dont know but....maybe he lets go and pushes off benrey, panting and wild eyed, and the image of benrey on his stomach, his bite mark in his neck, is burned into his brain

> he just doesnt say fucking anything and just dips to get jacked off by the suit maybe.... cant stop thinking about how it felt to see benrey with his teeth marks....hates himself for feeling that sick satisfaction in his chest

benrey......touching the back of his neck afterwrds, kind of dream-like, both consciously and subconsciously.......

i like making gordon freeman suffer so i want him to just angrily try to rut against his arm in private later trying desperately to get off thru this stupid busted HEV suit that he cant get out of. pathetic. gordon freeman humping his own fucking arm in a bathroom stall. like a dog

and he thinks about how benrey smelled when he had his teeth clamped on the back of benreys neck, his nose buried right against benreys jaw and neck, smelling the sweat and the hormones and feeling benreys rapid heartbeat, and his whole fucking head throbs with how bad he wants to get off

> and he just cant get off....has to deal with going back the team tense and a bit sweaty and just move on when they ask what happened. benrey doesnt say anything just stares at him and gordon cant meet his eyes. gordon tries not to fucking let benrey get under his skin cause i think hes probably mad upset and embarassed that he reverted to his like,,,more base instincts because of BENREY of all people.....

> but he still thinks about it sometimes and....he tries to distance himself from him but hes still a pretty touchy guy and he find himself around benrey still....laughing at his jokes and getting in his space once in a while. always pulls himself away when he notices but not before he takes in a deep breath of benrey's scent...

> meanwhile benreys trying to think of how to make gordon do that shit again LOL

ohmy god. oh my god.....before this.....before he tries to stop getting in benreys business and before he even recognizes what hes doing.......he like.....hes so touchy feely that he subconsciously tries to mark benrey a lot. like just doing everything in his power to rub the inside of his wrists somewhere on him. even if its barely gonna do anything b/c of the suit. its just instinct

> NOW HE ...now he realizes that he was doing that the whole time..jesus,...

> AUGH....in the buildup before this he didnt realize that he was doing it........but now he realizes he fucking misses doing that shit and kind of berates himself for doing it in the first place....like what the fuck....be Normal gordon...you cant want to fuck him....do you..?

i want him to. grrgohg i dont even know how or why this would happen but i want gordon freeman to lie supine on the ground with his hands up like paws like hes a big pupy looking for tummy rubs OKAY! BYE. I HAVE TO GO. im going to fucking sob why am i like this why is this the cutest possible thing for a man to do. i cant even think of a fucking reason why he would do this so im so fucking embarrassed

i want to fucking. i want to rub his fucking tumy and make him pop a boner from it im literally so sick of this earth

> i was literally Just typing: i just think it would be cool . To pet his tummy and keep telling him "good boy" in a Certain kind of Tone that just totally fucks him up about it . maybe flushed and tongue starting to wanna hang out of his mouth as he goes from laying flat on his back to kinda twisted to one side, breathing heavy, tail thumping hard against the floor cause hes a big dog so that thing is like a lethal weapon

> petting the fuzzy lower belly while hes already hard & needy just to make him whine Very high pitched and desperate-sounding bc its so close to what he wants but that just makes it worse 8)

> What if. Benrey pinning Gordon, maybe scritches behind his ear, as a "joke", he's a dog haha good boy wants ear scritches?? And Gordon immediately squirming and whining. Maybe even kicking his leg just a little bit

> i think it would be cool for a post-black mesa puby gordon pinned benrey to the floor with his whole body weight and humped the life out of benrey's leg while panting and drooling in benrey's ear. a total lack of regard for benrey, (of course he's into it tho) just using him like an object that's conveniently there for him to furiously get off on

> i'm thinking.... this happening after a period of prolonged teasing, like you said. rubbing his tummy and ignoring his dick

> Man ok combined with the suit edging huh? I love that, but i also kinda want gordon to sneak off to get off and discover his uh. k. kn. knot

> he sneaks off and if in this situation he can.  idk. get at his dick in a bathroom or whatever. and well, he gets caught up so easily in his 'head empty' instincts mode that when he cums he's kneading that thang for like 2 minutes before he even becomes cognizant enough to notice. and then immediately panic. so idk maybe he cant get at himself for a while, right, so he didnt notice this

> i just think gordon being in the suit would not let him get at his dick and he would only be able to get off in really convoluted ways so like...he wouldnt fucking Know he had a knot he would just feel a weird pressure at the base that he doesnt know what its about. but he starts getting these fantasies of holding benrey down and staying in him when he comes and he doesnt know where the hell thats coming from.....yet. until after everything is over and he can get out of it, and the first time he jacks off again he realizes HOLY FUCK? like what the hell....but it makes sense in retrospect where those fantasies came from. but hes just super embarassed about those fantasies and pushes them down until benrey comes back into his life and activates him again

> in addition to embarassment i think he has a lot of complicated feelings about benrey and definitely feels a guilty about wanting to fuck him into the ground and fill him with cum....but GOD if benrey doesnt get to him just as much as he did in black mesa

> i think that something like this would be so unplanned and shit but like......theyve probably hung out a few times before this or more like maybe benrey has dropped into his house just to annoy him and gordon finds his ears pricking when he hears heavy footsteps around his house cause he recognizes them as benrey's...

> little rush of exhilaration maybe. cause it means they'll spend some time together and he has just all these emotions under his skin when they do. i dont know how this would happen but maybe gordon forgets to keep himself in check when benrey makes him laugh so hard he's snorting and his tail is wagging furiously.benrey tries to touch/catch his tail cause he's kinda curious about it and it never got to mess with it in black mesa. but it turns into roughhousing as gordon shoves him away a little bit but benrey keeps trying to get at it and then get at his ears

> "cmon man just let me touch them whats the big deal-" "NO!" but like hes still laughing a bit until they start really getting into it and he gets breathless and a little irritated at having to roll around and try to pin benrey's hands to the floor

hell on earth......the way his tails wagging and hes grinning and drooling a little once he gets benrey pinned.......

> little triumphant smile when he finally does.....got benrey on his stomach and he's subconsciously rutting against benrey's ass like in black mesa but hes just not noticing while he's berating benrey for losing

> talking right into his ear, and benrey lets out a little gasp when he does a particularly hard thrust and then hes like oh. fuck. he takes in a deep breath and can smell benrey's sweat and realizes hes just as horny about this as he is. cant help but bury his face in the back of his neck and lick. and benrey starts pushing back into him and talking the worst dirty talk and it makes him growl right against his neck and put his teeth there again as a warning not to move but benrey doesnt still, he just keeps talking. so gordon bites down, hard, cutting him off mid sentence with a yelp

f. fucking. benrey......arching his back into it.......pressing his hips up as high as theyll go......the angles bro.....the angles

> also: gordon popping boners more easily, even when he's just platonically excited w/ benrey..... yeah... :)

> like the thing about this is just that he got so excited from the wrasslin that he popped a boner....wasnt even thinking of horny.....

> not until benrey started gasping and arching back into him. then hes immediately aware of how this looks...like hes already basically in the position in his fantasies hes just rutting against him in the imitation of fucking

> gordon getting more frenzied by the little sounds benrey is making as he clamps down on his neck, drool dripping down his chin. benrey braces himself with one hand and gets the other to pull his pants down and then tug on the leg of gordon's down a bit because gordon is kind of. not thinking straight right now. gordon gets the message and fumbles with the buttons to get it down and like. haha i thinnk it would be fun if benrey prepped himself before this and gordon notices like. you really managed to prep urself this time? god, you really wanted this to happen. but maybe benrey had been doing it the last few times cause gordon would get in his space again sometimes and things were tense

NO GOD THIS IS GOOD. LIKE. oh my god gordon just like bitching at him and getting up in his face and Growling a couple times before while his pants are all tented from the inadvertent excitement boners that he doesnt even realize hes having.....and benrey might not be smart but hes not stupid

theres like a 50% chance theyre gonna fuck at any given time he realizes so like. why not......

even if it doesnt work out in the moment benrey still spends the whole time hopped up on the knowledge that they could have, that he was the little fucking pervert who got himself all prepped just in case gordon decided todays the day hes just gonna mount him, and honestly the way he beats his meat and fucks himself afterwards might be nearly as good as the real deal, just from that little bit of self-inflicted degradation

like u said...........he really wanted it to happen

> hhh.... maybe gordon ruts a bit against his ass and benrey guides him in and. he makes a deep growling rumble when he bottoms out. benrey feels it through his chest and gets a full body shiver as he's filled. i dont think hes fully developed his knot yet but its a tight fit. he starts fucking hard and fast into him while open mouthed panting, he cant keep his face away from the benrey's neck, licking up the sweat and burying his face there to breathe in his scent

the fucking . the desperation......every instinct in his body has been telling him to fuck benrey - yes, that benrey, fucking benrey - into the ground for......weeks now? months??

dudes probably tried everything he can think of to overcome it and to think about literally anything else when he gets off but nobody he fucks even comes close to smelling as good as benrey did when gordon had him pinned and gasping and sweating and he could smell the want rolling off him in waves.....and it sucks massive dick and he hates it

> hes been driven crazy by this thought for so long.....cant fucking control himself. wh. what if gordon managed to get a hold of a piece of benrey's clothes that he left and held it up to his face when he let himself jack off to this particular thought so he could get the scent but it jsut wasnt the same without his warm, panting body below him . he always nuts the hardest when he has it though

huffing benreys undershirt and desperately rutting into a pillow on his hands and knees with his ass fully up and hes just utterly debased right now

sad and pathetic gordon freeman humping his pillow like a dog and whining thinking about fucking benrey. if his past self could see himself like this right now he would be disgusted

> !!!!!!!!1 HIM GETTING INTO THE MOUNTING POSITION ON INSTINCT WHEN HE DOES IT...YOUR BRAIN ! i think that gordon would definitely give everything hes got to benrey when he finally gets to fuck him.

> now that hes actually doing it he's just out of his goddamn mind. benrey already being ready for him, slick and hot, just letting him push in .....i think he would definitely go insane

dudes never fucked so hard or so mindlessly in his life......for once all the neuroses just fly out the window. overcome by instinct

> letting out all these whines and moans, not even caring for how loud hes being... benrey's wanted this so fucking bad hes just eating it up, pushing back on him like an animal and getting a power trip that he made gordon this unhinged

thinking about him just being utterly shocked when benrey guides him in and he can just bury himself all the way to the hilt so easily and it makes something in his brain snap

> gordon doesnt even tell benrey when hes close, benrey can just start to feel his knot swell inside him and how it stretches him a bit past what he prepared for...but he wants it in him so fucking bad, he just lets gordon keep fucking into him

like. oh my god. does benrey even know about the knot or is this a brand new and fun surprise for him

> I DONT KNOW......I JUST REALLY LIKE THE THOUGHT OF HIM BEING A BIT CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY IT....

> being caught off guard by it but being so turned on by the feeling of it filling him that he lets out this really high, needy sound. which goes straight to gordon's dick and he just pushes into him harder and jolts his whole body with it. maybe he h....he bites down on the other side of his neck again and thrusts in one more time before coming deep in him. just shuddering from it, eyes squeezed shut and jaw locked around benrey

benrey just fuckin. face down ass up and arching his back as high as he can

(mumbling very quietly) it might be cool also if. gordon maybe.....started growling some things as he got close. a certain something. a word

you know......just......bent over benreys back......arms wrapped around benreys chest and fingers digging into the soft flesh (maybe even his titties, if youre feeling spicy).......pistoning his hips in staccato bursts while he growls.........u bh hhhhh......"mine". over and over not even realizing hes doing it b/c his brain is so fogged out on the sheer delight of rawing benrey after having thought about it non-stop

(mumbling so quietly im speaking at a pitch below the human hearing threshold) benrey hoarsely saying "'m yours, 'm yours" while hes got one hand jammed underneath himself to tug at his dick is the thing that sets gordon off and makes him come, perhaps. perhaps

and gordon just.....slumps over him, leaning his full body weight on him, panting weakly into his ear while his hips subconsciously rut just a little bit, arms still wrapped around benrey but otherwise as useless as a bump on a log while benreys jerking himself off to the wild new feeling of having that knot stretch him open and tug at him every time gordon shifts his hips

gordon nuts and becomes utterly useless but at least his knots still fat as hell so benreys still got something to work with

(sobbing) i just want to see men acting like animals leave me olone..... its about the submission to instinct......the degradation and dehumanization......and also the scent kink its all about the fucking scent kink. its about wanting to huff a guy you pretend you hate like hes a fucking magic marker and its about wanting to make him smell like u

> for scent kink, Gordon's boners due to sweaty benrey hehehehe. this is narsty -> Benrey is like "yeesh that was a lot of exertion" after their first almost-sex wrasslin match, and gets embarassed, so next time he like, wears a bunch of old spice.... but gordon doesn't get as excited. like yeah he can feel him against his back and yeah he's not soft but.. he's not panting or as hard. benrey thinks real hard when he gets home

> CLEAN SWEAT OK ITS A COMBATIBILITY THING OK. IT IS. LOOK UP THE SCIENCE OK I ...walks away. clown shoez

YOU ARE SO FUCKING CORRECT THANK U

> Maybe next time He doesn't bother with the old spice at all, and he gets real into the wrasslin... hell maybe he even uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gets gordon's head under his arm im just saying

I DIDNT WANNA BE THE ONE TO SAY IT BUT NO YEAH THATS COOL. ITS A VERY COOL THOUGHT

think about......dogboy gordon roughhousing and getting pinned down himself and snapping his teeth up at benrey like joking but not joking. you know

they both start just getting really into roughhousing b/c sometimes gordons brain gets Stressed The Fuck Out by all the added stimulation to the senses of being pupy......theres too many sounds and smells sometimes and it makes him even more neurotic and makes him start acting up and getting irritable and trying to start shit until he exerts himself enough to tire his brain out and make it shut up

maybe even like.....in the interim after black mesa but before he runs into benrey again, gordon becomes a fucking hot mess b/c he doesnt know how to deal with it all and the only way he got thru black mesa without his brainstem snapping in half was b/c he and benrey would start shit and start fighting and wrestling and the rest of the science team eventually shrugged and accepted this as a (very weird) part of their life now. he looks like hes one minor inconvenience away from a panic attack and its so sad

any kind of physical exercise would help (he takes up jogging when hes feeling stressed out, which is a lot, and hes gotten some really nice legs by this point) but theres just something different about the roughhousing. its a mental exercise as well as a physical one, so it exhausts his brain more, and unbeknownst to him, he just gets fucking endorphins from the way benrey smells and from being able to mark him with all the up-close physical contact theyre getting. so. hence the wrestling and roughhousing and gordons occasional tendency to just pounce the guy in public and start fighting him with his tail wagging and thumping like crazy

it might be even better if gordon attempts to roughhouse with just about the whole science crew at some point, just for a point of comparison

like.....its usually good, its satisfying, and it wears him out and lets him function like a human being......but theres just something about roughhousing with benrey thats really satisfying and he doesnt have the emotional intelligence to figure out what it is

gordon freeman is an idiot, is what im saying

> tommy indulges him and probably lets him win a few times, coomer soundly wins out every time and bubby probably...loses some before getting pissy LOL. i think that its fun for him to get the most Good Feelings out of roughhousing with benrey.....

AUUUUGHHH WHAT IF HE LICKED BENREYS FACE THO

g gbfbhhh god im obsessed with the way benrey laughs at him and asks "what the fuck is wrong  with you?" in the act 3 commentary and thats the exact kind of vibe im feeling from him about like. everything gordon does in pupymode

> Okay, before I go to bed, I shall leave you with a Dog Thought™. Gordon probably wouldn’t be the “best trained” dog in the world because, well, he doesn’t have anyone to make him listen or obey. Heck, given his need to be in control, he probably thinks he’s the leader of the proverbial pack and nobody can tell him what to do. He’d probably slip and do quite a few “rude” and obnoxious dog things, including but not limited to being all over Benrey.

> Trying to goad him into roughhousing. Licking his face. Being in his space to the point that it even starts to make Benrey raise an eyebrow. Inappropriate marking and whatnot. [cough] And what if Benrey--in a weird reversal of the roles we usually give--is stuck with the task of… training Gordon… to behave…

> YOU KNOOOOW. Because pitting alpha dog Gordon against Benrey, who is trying to get him to be “good”...

> … Well, that could be interesting.

> Imagine if you will: Benrey realizing he needs to get Gordon under control. As much as he likes the attention, it's becoming too much. Relentless. Tables have been turned and now he's the one that's a little overwhelmed by the situation because, well, Gordon is running on pure instinct half the time. Making it hard to do things. Making it hard to live his life. Always in his bubble which was, like, fine at first but now he can't do anything without feeling a wet tongue on his face or having Gordon trying to goad him into rough housing.

> He needs so much attention. Has so much energy. It's too much.

> So, he decides he's going to try to "train" Gordon to not... do that. Benrey trying to assert dominance over Gordon, as if he were just a normal dog. Gordon, who has already marked Benrey and decided that Benrey belongs to him does not take to this very well. This is not how the chain of command works. This isn't how the chain of command works at all.

> Benrey, struggling to curb him through praise and admonitions--"good boy," "bad boy," tossing him ~treats~ if he does something right--is now facing off with Gordon, who is both enamored with the attention he's getting but utterly pissed off by the fact Benrey is trying to stop him from doing what he wants.

losing it at the tables being turned and now gordons the annoying fucker getting up in benreys business all the time and never leaving him alone. he deserves this

> They're basically both unmovable objects and unstoppable forces. Benrey is stubborn and isn't going to give up all his sweet PS3 time because Gordon won't stop humping his leg, and Gordon is not going to give up his God given right to make Benrey his property. But Benrey isn't completely averse to the idea of being Gordon's bitch. He just wants to be his bitch on his own terms.

> So, in a surprising show of... well, intelligence on Benrey's behalf, he starts redirecting Gordon's energy towards what HE wants Gordon to do.

> That's how you handle misbehaving dogs anyway. You redirect their energy. That's what all the books on dog training says anyway, and Benrey's inclined to believe it because he's read it in all two books on the subject he casually flipped through.

> So, when Gordon starts getting in his space, he starts redirecting him to touch where he wants touched. "Good boy." When Gordon starts getting a little rough, he purposefully positions himself so he gets the most out of it. "Good boy." When Gordon's licking his face, he starts trying to guide that tongue down to his neck. Feels better there. "Good boy."

> Because he's not a complete idiot. Him and Gordon both know this is sexually charged at this point. And Gordon... Gordon can bend his behaviors a little bit as he's being directed if he still gets to do what he wants (in a way), and Benrey still gets to be fondled by the nerd.

> "But part of the problem is that he is in Benrey's space all the time!" Yeah, but Benrey figured that out, too. You know what shuts up Gordon real fast? Pushing him back down on the other end of the couch and telling him to stay. And if he listens, he slowly, carefully hand feeds Gordon a treat as a reward. Pushing it into his mouth, making sure it goes all the way in. Letting Gordon lick the last bits of taste off of his fingers. He usually sits still after that. "Good boy."

i have a thought thats almost unrelated but im so desperate to give this scenario the proper context

thinking about......gordon getting out of black mesa and hes still dogboy.....and hes attempting to go back to life as normal now that benreys out of his hair for ever but one day his pupy nose catches That Fucking Smell on the air and he realizes that benreys not fucking dead. he thought benrey was fucking dead, b/c he killed him

gordon freeman losing his mind for a solid week or two trying to hunt that smell down (why?? to prove a point?? to try to kill benrey again??? uh huh.) and then when he does hunt benrey down, its like.....well, what was the plan, bud? you found him, and now youre having a staredown outside a 7/11 while benreys frozen halfway through his big gulp

i literally forgot what i was typing b/c dogy gordon tum y rub b gtfhgbb ggfabgbbg

and.....well......he doesnt know exactly what his game plan was, but he does know that benrey cant be trusted as far as u can throw him, and hes not about to let benrey wreak havoc on new mexico if he can help it, so now his new hobby is......tracking benrey across the city to keep an eye on him

and thats how they keep ending up in close proximity

and thats how u start looping in the whole role reversal thing.....suddenly gordons the one that benrey cant shake......hes a bloodhound and hes got the scent

SORRY im SORRY i crave context with the same ferocity that i crave, like, air

and then they start roughhousing when gordon tackles him to the ground one day to stop him from doing.....something......and gordon snaps being to being a normal person so quickly afterwards that its dizzying. turns out a solid 80% of what he really wanted was a sparring buddy

> good afternoon everyone this is not horny in the slightest but i just wanted to say- you know that thing dogs do where they get REALLY excited and playful when you come home from a long day at work? well i’m just thinking about. y’know how benrey has a tendency to just, vanish for a while and come back like nothing happened? think it’d be cute if he were gone for a particularly long stretch of time b4 catching up with the science team again and gordon RESPONDS in his typical annoyed, bratty fashion while his body language is saying something completely different (he still hasn’t mastered the art of puby)

> like, u know, tail wagging a hundred miles a minute, ears perked up and attentive, subconsciously getting all up in benrey’s space

Im going to Cry thats so fucking cute wtf wtf  wt ff

still going insane thinking about the “good boy” thing......like...... its all fun and games until hes grappling his best friend benrey and hes got benrey in a headlock and hes plastered against benreys back from head to toe and his tails thumping excitedly against the floor and hes panting hot and harsh right against benreys ear and benrey takes that moment, right there, to choke out "good boy"

its half outright horny and half power play b/c benreys banking that either theyre gonna fuck or gordons gonna let go and be like "what the fuck, man" and then benrey can get the drop on him again

the way gordon just goes stiff after he says it.....breath getting shaky.....dick twitching once against benreys ass and the guy can fucking feel it clear as day......Augh

his tail slows.....and then fires right back up again when he tentatively rocks his hips against benreys ass and feels the sound benrey makes more than he hears it......and like for fucks sake theyve been dancing around how horny their roughhousing sessions are for weeks, this guy deserves to finally get his rocks off by dry humping benreys ass while benreys getting spots in his vision from how tightly gordons got his arm wrapped around his neck. he deserves this

gordons free hand slowly opening up and pressing flat against benreys shirt, then crawling under it so that he can feel the bare skin of his stomach......rocking his hips against the dip between benreys cheeks and whimpering when benrey says it again, breathless and hoarse. "good boy." his tongue poking out to lick a broad, wet stripe up the side of benreys neck to taste the salt and sweat and the hormones, jesus christ, hes never been able to taste if somebodys horny before but its rolling off of him in waves.......and gordons breath comes out so loud and harsh and desperate when benreys leg lifts up a little bit for him to slot his own between them more easily

just mumbling stupid horny shit like "fuck benrey, you taste so good" while his tongue lolls out of his mouth and he licks the curve of benreys ear and rolls benrey onto his stomach b/c something in the back of his brain is whispering to him that it would be a really, really good idea, and hes originally got benrey just crushed flat against the floor with his full body weight but benrey takes a rattling breath and tells him to ease up, get up offa him.....

and gordons confused at this point b/c he was pretty sure this was where this was going, he was being a good boy, but that thought doesnt last very long b/c benreys shuffling into position under him, raising his hips and pushing gordons up with him while his face and torso are flat against the floor, and, Oh. hes. hes doing that. this is what theyre fucking doing now

> gordon taking the collar of benrey’s shirt in his mouth in an crude imitation of scruffing him

every fucking bone in gordons body is telling him to move his hips, fuck benrey stupid, bury himself to the hilt, but he cant do that when theyre both still clothed so he does the next best thing and ruts against benrey like he fucking means it and like if he just tries hard enough, gets enough friction, itll be just like fucking him for real......

hes so dizzied by looping thoughts of he wants this, he wants you to mount him, like youre a filthy fucking animal, arent you? you sick fuck, you wanna mark him and breed him and hed let you, hed beg you for it, look, hes doing it right now and when he comes back down to earth, yeah, benrey is begging right now, isnt he. while hes palming at the front of his sweatpants and whimpering and calling gordon a good boy, attempting to tug his pants down to his knees so gordon can rut against bare flesh, and gordon slows down just enough to let him do it and to fumble open his own zipper to ease some of the agonizing pressure

gordon fumbling his dick out of his underwear to line it up between benreys fat cheeks and god, the feeling of skin against skin is so much fucking better than chafing against his jeans that it makes him growl against benreys neck and benrey cant pump his fucking dick fast enough. hes so encouraging, what with all those little sounds hes making and the way hes arching his back and pressing his hips up as high as theyll go, groaning into the crook of his arm "fuckin, fuck me, bro, j-just like that"

> thinking...... they both get so lost in it, they both can’t hold back long enough to fuck for real. this is too hot, benrey feels something hot and wet on his ass and gordon is curling into him. benrey’s never felt so simultaneous turned on and frustrated that he’s still empty, he’s still gonna have to wait, snd ironically that denial pushes him over too

GOD yes fuckin. coming on his ass b/c gordons so frantic and desperate that he cant wait...... but seeing his cum all over benreys ass is deeply satisfying in its own way. he smears it deep into benreys skin to mark him like that

> oh hey imma be nasty sorry but Gordon all cum-high just sort of manouvering Benrey until he can start licking his cock clean bc he likes to uh. i mean benrey's all wet and you know. he likes it. and benrey comes from that, before he can even think about sucking him off properly

> he doesnt have a thought left in his head at the moment... and can u blame him? so he just uh follows he nose.......  and benrey's brain is deleted except for "GORDON FREEMAN ON MY DICK????????" bouncing around like a screensaver yes

> yeah he's not even trying to suck him off really, hes not gotten that far yet cuz hes so cumbrained, gone stupid, etc

im gonna be gross here too okay......and like. fucking. huffing and burying his nose into the crook of benreys thighs b/c he smells so intensely like sex and sweat and it makes gordon lightheaded

> YEAAH maybe he starts licking there before he gets up to his dick. it's not like he's dragging it out really so it's not long but benrey's gaping like a fish. he's trying to say something sorta but he can't get any words out and isn't even sure what he himself is trying to say

maybe he cant help himself and he just starts licking and biting on impulse b/c its your resident fuckin thigh guy here and i think benrey deserves to get em chomped like a drumstick

> and then that's gordon's tongue on his dick, bro and this neurotic mf looking so pleased and blissed out as he sloppily licks him all over is a sight he couldn't have even cooked up in his imagination before now

> benrey not coherently enough to warn him he’s like right there, his babbling incoherently at the tease of gordon’s nose and lips is gonna make him- and then his Tounge darts out and it’s over, the start of the end and he’s spurting all over gordon’s completely surprised face without even being jerked or licked through it

> maybe since gordon's been so stressed and keyed up for so long that benrey coming is a surprise but still doesn't shock him enough to clear the cumbrain, so he licks ben clean after that too, while he's twitching and whimpering etc

> think that benrey massive meat being useless and barely even touched is hip and rad even in the context of him technically being in the higher position of power

> then rests his head on beny's belly for a while, feeling very accomplished and tired. he'll panic later, don't worry

god im still thinking about. pillow humping/voyeurism

gordon freemans a bad fucking dog and sometimes he cant help himself and just starts rutting into a pillow with his ass up and his face buried in one of benreys undershirts while hes just panting and mumbling shit the whole time about benrey, benrey, benrey, why is he so fucking obsessed with benrey and with thinking about mounting him just like hes doing to his poor abused pillow every week

and. you know. maybe one day......benrey kind of.....catches him in the act. i think that would be cool. just coming home one day and cracking open his bedroom door and seeing gordon freeman on all fours, his teeth sunk deep into one pillow and another pillow between his thighs, desperately fucking it while hes groaning benreys name b/c he sure as shit was not expecting him back that early, which is why his cumbrain made him feel confident enough to crawl into benreys bed and roll around in it and mainline benreys scent from his clothes and nut on his pillow (and then feel fucking bad about it and frantically try to clean it off)

and benrey just slooowly steps back with his heart pounding out of his chest for possibly the first time in his whole life b/c he did not think gordon freeman ever wanted to fuck him, but here he is, using benreys pillow as an imitation of the real thing and jerking off in his bed

just turns right the fuck back around and goes into the bathroom and splashes some water on his face and stares down at his sudden boner

THANKS FOR READING ALL OF THIS B/C THIS ISNT EVEN GETTING INTO THE PISS STUFF THAT WEVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT. SORRY FOR BEING LIKE THIS

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

[clumsyclifford]

u know what. i will give u all the lore u want. i’m 18, will be 19 decently soon so we are close to the same age. also the other band was r5. i have sent u asks about them and tde in the past. i followed you for atl content and got whiplash when u started posting about the first band i ever loved. i was like 10 when their first album dropped i have been around for entirely too long. i had a wattpad account and wrote r5 fanfic from the tender age of like 11-13. i discovered 5sos i don’t even remember how but i think the funniest part about it is that i never really got into their music?? i got into them as people by watching like interviews and compilations. and i mean at this point that was a While ago. SPEAKING OF FANFIC i did that like ao3 year in review thing like a month ago??? and you were my top author of the year so far. i read a lot of fic on ao3. your fics are very lovely and some of my favs. moving on. will not lie my music taste is kinda embarrassing and has barely changed since i was like 14 lmfao. been listening to a lot of waterparks lately. have been since their album dropped in may. i essentially go through phases of listening to solely one artist. or one playlist i made. most recently my taste has consisted of a lot of all time low, waterparks, paramore + hayley’s solo music (it really had to grow on me BUT now that it has it is very good), also been on a nostalgic r5 kick as well. hot take it has been quite difficult for me to get into tde’s music and i don’t really know why. some songs i absolutely adore (omg plz don’t come around is my fav by them. also scared of heights, feel you now, welcome to the end of your life are top songs too) but others i’m just. i have never liked preacher man and it’s the first song they released after they rebranded in like 2017. i love to see them finally free to do what they love music-wise but some of it is just. hard to listen to. i’m supposed to see them live in november (like 4 days before my birthday, kinda cool) and it’s the second time the show has been rescheduled so hopefully it happens. i’ve seen them live before but not since they rebranded. they’re dropping an album in october that i will have like a month to learn so it better be a fucking banger. now i’m just rambling about tde because i love ross and rocky with my entire being. rydel is annoying these days tho. also she named her baby fucking SUPER what kind of name is that why would you do that to a child. anyways. you ever need useless random r5 lore, i’m the person to ask. it’s the effect of being around to like a band for like 8 years. in conclusion my music taste? terrible. a cluster fuck. i will listen to luke’s solo album next time i’m focusing on a task because i like listening to new music when i’m concentrating on something. there’s some other bella lore for the day. - other bella

OH ALSO yeah idk. i’m currently on mobile. when i looked at your blog on mobile the first time last night it was blue. but now it’s pink. i have yet to see it on desktop but when i do i am sure it will be equally as pretty. - other bella again

hell YES some other bella lore. let's dig in

oooooh how soon? whens your birthday? 👀👀👀

ahhh yes i do remember the r5 asks !!!! that was a fun little era of clumsyclifford content huh. dont worry i wrote 1d fic on wattpad from ages 11-13 as well sooo same hat. that is super funny tho actually that you never bothered to listen to their music u really were staying loyal to r5 good for you

ao3 year in review???????????? say more?????? what is this?????????? thats very flattering regardless omg im going to ask you what your favorites are because im a leo just kidding its because i crave validation and im curious what ones you read/have read. also thank you for reading my fics lol

oh yeah theres a new parx album!! i dont listen actively to them but i really like all the parx music i know. im scared to get really into them because im genuinely afraid to fall in love with awsten knight. like im not joking thats the reason. i have to listen to more of their music tho cos i really enjoy what i know so...if you have recs...👀 i'm listening

mm thats a good lineup of music to listen to!! paramore is another band i never got super into, i meant to and then i listened to all of riot and then i learned that hayley williams is like pretty christian and that a few paramore songs are more christian than i anticipated and now i'm like. on the fence about it all. but i wanna listen to after laughter i just havent gotten around to it yet. and i did like riot. i like paramore. i like dead horse by hayley, i didnt like the other single she released, and i didnt listen to her solo music because i didnt like the first single so im not sure if i would actually like it? i am accepting vibe checks in that category though i dont really know what kinda music it is. actually now that im thinking about it doesnt she have two albums now???? i feel like the answer is yes. anyway. moving on

that is very fair the thing abt the tde stuff is that it's all so interesting and so different from every other tde song like they really just do something unique in each song which i think is awesome but also makes it hard to like every song bc it's not like one universal vibe you kinda have to decide for each song if you're enjoying it or not. i do LOVEEEE tde though, im very jealous that you're seeing them perform. although i dont know why im not, just looked it up and theyre gonna be in new york on november 24th which is a sunday so i miiiight.....be able to go.......maybe...........their website says the 25th which is a monday so maybe i was under the impression the show was on a monday?? but the ticket site says sunday. 👀 we will just...have to see......what we see.............

ANYWAY

RIGHT im so excited for their album i was mistakenly thinking it was coming out the same night as luke's but it was just the new single which i really liked on a first listen but have to listen to again cos ive only heard it the one time. but i hope it fucks. they announced that the album is called girlfriend which personally i think is really fun so i have high hopes

SHE NAMED HER CHILD FUCKIN WHAT NOW???????????????

wait eight years thats a long time but also thats roughly how long ive been around 1d wtf........insane. madness. and in fairness probably roughly how long ive been around 5sos but i took a hiatus from both of those bands during high school so im not sure how much i can count all of those years. ive been around all time low for six years though, that's pretty good. anywayyyy i hope you like luke's album but no pressure man listen whenever you feel like it. LOVE YOU

[justsomefluff]

Hi! May I request for a karaoke date ateez reaction? Their s/o doesn't have the best voice so they kind of act like crackheads but like fluffy at the same time? I hope that makes sense, I really like your writing!!!

Ok this is so cute... I wish karaoke was more popular in the US because it would be my fav thing to do every weekend.

Anyway I hope you like this!! <3

Hongjoong:

So, when Joong invites you to karaoke you’re kinda nervous bc

Joong can sing and his best friends are amazing singers too so like how’s he gonna react if you aren’t as good

When you get there he’s really excited and stuff and he lets you pick the first song

And you just pick one that you both know

But you pick more of a rap-style song so that you can just scream it without him judging too much lol

Even that ends up making you nervous though bc... Joong is a professional rapper

But you actually end up really enjoying yourself bc he’s being just as wild as you are

At the end of the date you don’t really understand why you had been nervous in the first place bc karaoke really is all fun and games

Plus Joongie would never dream of making you uncomfortable even if he was low-key like “I’m dating the world’s most tone-deaf person”

He’s totally blind about that stuff

Love-stricken puppy

Seonghwa:

(this was so cute I cant breathe)

Okay I feel like Seonghwa is a huge crackhead when he does karaoke

especially if it’s just you guys and he doesn’t feel pressured to be mature in front of his bandmates

I also feel like he would force you to choose only girl group songs

Let’s face it, if Ateez could turn into a girl group.... he’d do it in a heartbeat

The reason he would choose these songs is because he’s obsessed with girl group choreographies

So you wouldn’t even have time to focus on singing with him bc he’d be like

“AND STEP TO THE LEFT, SHOULDER MOVE, BABABA”

and you’re just watching him and laughing hysterically

until he tries to get you to dance with him and it’s like... dear god no

But it actually is super cute and soft bc he’s gentle and like guides your movements and stuff

So overall, I think for Seonghwa, karaoke isn’t even about the singing

Yunho:

Yunho is already insane though

So when you get to karaoke he’s already picking super difficult songs

like difficult even for him

So your nerves will melt away in seconds

Because he’ll start off with some crazy vocalists and then end up screaming for the notes he cant hit

And when it’s your turn, if he doesn't hear you being as crazy as he is he’s gonna be bitter

like “I just put my entire lungs into that song and you can’t even yell a little bit?”

Will definitely make you do a duet

And it’s a super romantic song right... not anymore

Even if it’s notes he has no problem hitting, he’s gonna do some terrible singing just for you baby ;)

Like totally off-key and dancing like an idiot just to make you smile

*insert random twerking*

But one thing about being crazy with Yunho is that you both get tired really fast and so you end up just listening to the tracks run while you slow dance and...

it’s so SOFT

Yeosang: 

He’s shy too

Don’t ask me why bc I mean the logic just isn’t there

“Yeosang, you literally sing for thousands of people...all the time... you’re nervous in front of just me though? Really?”

He’ll just nod... “it’s different. okay?”

But whatever

You’ll have to end up taking the lead even if you don't really want to

And like, you’re not that bad, you’re just a little harder on yourself

But Yeosang is just heart eyes the whole time

Big ole goofy smile

ends up finally joining in and serenading you

is actually really genuine about it until you get too shy and just start screaming the words back at him lmao

He’s totally caught off guard but also thinks its hilarious

You just spend the rest of the night screaming random lyrics at each other like you’re an up and coming metal band

Super fun but you definitely lose your voices the next morning

San:

Sannie best boy

He’s really intuitive about your feelings so when he told you he wanted to take you to karaoke he knew you were nervous about it pretty much immediately

wants to have fun with you though so he’s constantly assuring you that it’s not a big deal

says super cheesy stuff like “even if you’re the worst singer in the world and make me lose hearing in my right ear, I’ll still love you so much bb”

Him saying that actually helps though bc nothing you do could ever be as embarrassing as that lmao

Even if you are a bad singer, he’s gonna hype you the whole time

low-key coaches you too 

will randomly be like “so good, bb, just LOUDER”

But if you’re really uncomfortable he’ll get up and literally lose his mind

like he’ll become the literal definition of screeching into the void

Will not stop until you’re literally crying with laughter

then he’s gonna make you join in for the last song of the night

and you’re both screaming so thats fun

But then as you’re leaving, he’ll kiss you and tell you how much fun he always has with you

bc he’s a closet sentimental

places so much value on your time and just hopes you always enjoy yourself as much as he does :’)

Mingi:

Ok Mingi cant really sing either I mean I love him but have y'all heard him sometimes lmao

So if you go with him, I don't see how anyone could possibly be nervous bc you’re just gonna make fun of each other the whole time

like if he starts and you laugh at him he’ll be like “this is why I’m a rapper,  babe”

Will totally make fun of you just as hard though

like he’ll be calm for a little while but then all of a sudden he’ll be like “I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE”

and literally die laughing and say stuff like “Are my ears bleeding?”

and you’ll swat at him and stuff

boom, you’re now wrestling in the room you guys rented

it’s really fun though bc you guys just feel so comfortable around each other

singing in front of someone, even if both of you suck, is really intimate I think so

karaoke night just brings you guys closer

one of your favorite memories together

Wooyoung:

Okay this child is the definition of crackhead so

he’s not gonna take any of this stuff seriously

Like if there was a soundtrack for this date, it wouldn’t be any of the songs you sang at karaoke it would just be his hyena laugh on repeat

Bc that’s pretty much all you hear the whole night lmao

his voice tends to be on the higher side so naturally he chooses songs that are really low in pitch

Just because he thinks it’ll be funny

and he’s making weird faces as he tries to get his voice down the where the song needs it to be

Will make you do the same thing for any of your songs

like if your voice is low then you have to go high and vice versa

he doesn’t give you the opportunity to even try to be good bc he’s like

“you gotta scream it or else it isn't funny”

and you both have so many videos of each other singing terribly

perfect for blackmail

like later if you’re ever play fighting or something you’ll be like “Wooyoungie, one more word and I will tweet this for all Atiny to see”

but some videos are just for you bc you want that memory to be only between you guys bc it was so special

Jongho:

(HES SO CUTE DAMMIT)

This boy, I definitely understand if you get insecure about going with him okay

he’s got the vocal range of the century okay

and if he takes you to karaoke, he’s out to impress

so he’s gonna be performing his ass off for you and you’re just like :o

like “oh, it’s serious”

and then you’re making up excuses like “just keep singing I love your voice”

which is true, but you’re really only saying that at that moment so he won’t make you sing in front of him

but he’s gonna make you, you have no choice ok

if you’re nervous he’ll do funny stuff to show you that he doesn't care

like if you pick a ballad he’ll turn on his phones flashlight and wave it around and pretend to cry

and if you pick something more upbeat he’s gonna dance and pretend to be a fan or something super cheesy and dumb

just wants his baby to be comfortable :(

so even if you were uncomfy before, he’ll sing the last song and it’ll be super slow and he’ll hit you with that back-hug while he’s singing

so if the portion of the night when you were singing was awkward for you, you forget about it in the end bc boy took your breath away with his sweetness

[supervillanelle]

I WANT U TO ANSWER QUESTIONS 14 THROUGH 50 FOR THAT ASK THING, OR IF THATS TOO INSANE A NUMBER JUST PICK SOME RANDOM ONES, IDK BUT I LIKE READING YOUR ANSWERS SO IF U DID ALL OF THEM I'D THINK THAT WAS GREAT anyway idk why im yelling now get 2 work

ALLISON WTF?????????????????? THATS 37 QUESTIONS IM LAUGHING SO FICKING HARD FGKSHSDUDUFUDUFIFKGIGIFIFUCUAGSGDHFJFIFJDJSJSUSJIVJCIHXHOXHCHXIGXYSYYDJFLKFDKFAKFAKGZZG IM GONNA DO IT HANG ON

(It was supposed to be 37 questions but i skipped the ones i had already answered, okay?)

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

Not at all ��� i have no talents, babe

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology?

im a leo, and i dont believe in astrology, but sometimes i can relate to my sign

19. Favorite old film?

Old films are really not my thing BUT i really like scary movie 1 and 2, and the exorcist (those were the only old movies i could think of im sorry shakshskshsj)

20. What’s your hairstyle?

ugh okay its curly and brown and very short and it needs to be stopped

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

I really like when its sunny with clear skies but like, its not awfully hot, its just, nice

22. What upsets you most about the world?

Lots of things upset me, but two things upset me the most: how much prejudice there is, and how unfair the world is!!!

Like, sexism, homophobia, racism, thats so fucked up and some people actually agree with it??? lik what the fuck? how can you hate someone just for being different than you? and sexism is just so bad bc we’re so used to it that we accept all kinds of stuff bc its just normalized to us, you know? We accept men acting like shit and we agree with them and support their behaviour bc we learn that way, that men can be shitty and they dont have to try to be better people, but we’re so quick to judge women for literally anything they do, and it just keeps being normal to us!! we need to fucking change the way we act!!!

And with how unfair the world is, like, some people have so much while some have so little! its so fucked up!!!! and believe me, i know its not my place to say this bc im fucking privileged but its just so fucked up!!!!!! people like me who were born in a family with money just go through life so easily, we dont know shit anything and we still have the nerve to think we’re bettee than others, its so fucked up!!! And there are people who were born with no money, with no decent family, and just bc of that its allowed for them to live like shit? to not have any kind of support in life? if they need food, housing, medical care, they just have to deal with it and be strong and get through it, or start working as a fucking child?????? its just so fucked up but its never gonna change bc the people who really have money just dont wanna give up a tiny bit of their huge privilege to make it fair for everyone else, and everyone just have to be ok with all that???

23. Are you in love right now?

God no

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

I have a lot of crushes GSKSBSKSBSKSBSK i have online crushes, i have real life crushes, i have crushes that mean nothing to me and i just like them so im not bored shakshjs BUT theres this girl, shes kinda bi? (that what she says), shes my friends sister and fuck i just wanna make out with her for 3 days nonstop, shes just so fucking pretty, and funny and hot and nice and smart and fuckkkkkkk im lonely

26. Do you have a lucky number?

Not lucky numbers but like, just numbers that i like, 5, 7, 12 and 15

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash?

On a fallen eyelash yes but its not something i do all the time lol

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work?

What the fuck are emoji spells?

29. Do you believe in magic in general?

Dude shakshskssh no!!!!!

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

I dont know dude, i think freedom is pretty beautiful to me, having the freedom to do what you want, loving who you want, being loved, being happy with yourself without any pressure idk if that makes sense

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue?

I love both!!!!!!! Literally my thing

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?

I love saxophone and violin!!

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?

Wind not so much, its kinda scary tbh, but the sound of rain is just great!!!

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like?

Ok so i have like, two different thoughts, i either live in a small apartment, in a big city, im not good with living with other people but i hope this changes, so eithwr alone or with a roomate is fine by me, with a cat and/or a dog, and im happy with my life! Or, if i end up being super rich, i live in a big house, again by muself ot with roomates is fine, and i have way more than just a dog and/or a cat, and a big pool, and im happy with my life (tbh just picture jenna marbles’ life and its that!!

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup?

only when i go to some party or bar and i wanna make out with someone, otherwise i never use it, and i dont even have make up, i use my sister’s or my mom’s

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own?

I do!!! I cant really explain but like, its above the knee, no sleeves but like a thin strap? and its dark blue with little green zebras all over it

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it?

Romantically or in a friendship? Yes for both. I just stay sad forever, but it just gets less shitty with time

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

In real life its this girl from college but rn shes actually mad at me so idk if shes still close to me lol but shes so nice and funny

41. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert that becomes too much and bery annoying after you get to know

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI?

I have NO IDEA what mbti is

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, a or an angel?

I think id be a vampire

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?

ive been thinking about this for a while now and i cant remember the last time someone showed me a song

45. Parlez-vous français?

No (thats no in french btw)

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to?

London and nyc are fucking amazing

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home?

When im home alone in silence ugh amazing

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is goreous!

Not really? Im good but thanks?

49. Favorite shoe you own?

All my flipflops, my converse and thats it

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them?

I can and i actually love wearing heels i think my legs look great on them

[kyunsies]

OMG OK FIRSTLY CONGRATULATIONS X 30000000! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR GRADUATING AND I HOPE YOU ARE SUPER PROUD OF YOURSELF AND YOU ARE SUPER BRILLIANT!!

FR, knowing everything you've been through and all the doubts you have been feeling... seeing you achieve this is so amazing. I feel like a super proud mom/sister/idek you are incredible! I bet your mom is super super proud of you!

How do you feel about the interviews? I'll keep all my fingers and toes crossed for you that you get what you wish! Let me know how it goes, ok?

So on my end... I kept getting treatment the first two months this year and it was really good and helpful... and then we got these hugs companies working with us for projects and honestly all my self-care went out the window. Like, I was only being looked at or working on big movies and tv shows which was amazing but it also just sapped everything out of me and because I put so much pressure on myself.I like even for the smallest project I ended up putting 1849302 times more pressure on myself and IDEK... it was funny because it was really cool but also I was really numb all the time and I got a bit worried? So now I'm trying to dial it back and get back to myself a bit more...

BUT this is so cool that you've just seen MX because I DID TOO! They were in Europe (as am sure u know) for KPOPFLEX and I got to be there cause of work which was... I mean I still have a lot of emotions. SO MANY EMOTIONS. I'm sure you feel this way too, like, with 2384923 emotions in your memories about it :D. It's so cool that you started the NCT blog though - my friend was with me at KPF and I think she fell in love with Mark, but they were all amazing.

Are you resting and finding time to do nice things for yourself too? Are you still living in the same accom or have you moved somewhere nice? Also did you ever get the chocolate I set you?

Love you lots!

- 💥

LDSLKJ HI ANGEL i'm so sorry i didn't get to this yesterday angel !! but THANK U SO MUCH TRULY IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME <3 it feels weird to say i am officially done with my academic career,,,,,,,, like it all went by so quickly but so brutally slow at the same time and i can’t believe i’ll never go back :’) its crazy bc now i have to do real life things which is exciting and terrifying all at once !!! nursing school was the hardest thing i have ever had to overcome for real like i know is ay it too much probably but no one knows how hard it is besides nursing students: literally all of the tears and anxiety inducing energy you put yourself into 4-5 years of your life is insane but we made it and thank u for being around for my hard times during school <3

about my interviews !! i feel really good about them !!! i knew the ppl who interviewed me because as i mentioned i did my preceptorship at this children’s hospital and they all said good things about me, so i’m just waiting to hear back from them !!! i have noticed w this hospital in particular it’s just taking a really long time; for example i applied in early march and didn’t even get confirmation on my interviews until late april, and i didn’t even have my interviews until the last week of uni for me which was the first week of may ;_____; so it’s been about 2 weeks since my interview and it’s just taking a long time, so i just hope i hear an answer sooner rather than later :’)

SO ONTO YOU !!!!! i’m really happy you’ve been getting treatment and i guess to an extent work is going well for you !!!! but it’s so hard :( overworking yourself/putting pressure on yourself over little things but i can’t say i don’t understand how you feel, bc i felt the same way during uni ;____; you just want all of this stuff to pay off so not working hard doesn’t seem like an option ya know? i hope later on these past few weeks you’re able to have some self care days yeah? you’re always working hard i feel ;_____; which is not a bad thing at all but definitely can burn yourself out :(

ALSO SDLFJ AAHHHH YOU WENT TO KPOP.FLEX thats soooo cool <3 i hope u were able to get a good seat bc that stadium or arena looked very big lfjskld but !!!!! yeah they came to my hometown and we were in a theatre so it was quite intimate ;______; i had the best time of my life, i miss them so much already and i can see how kpop concerts (at least ones at smaller venues) are addicting bc the atmosphere is like, insane and everyone is having a good time <3 i’m glad to have this experience to remember i had such a fun time and the were AMAZING <3 but as for now i am babysitting to make money just to fill the gap in time between now, when i take my nclex exam, and when i start working !!! and i’m still living in the same place but once i get my job, i will definitely be relocating which will be really exciting <3 

[xxx-mundiemudsnapper-xxx]

think im gonna be slowly losing my mind over the coming weeks and venting in my personal channels in discord isnt helping like it used to so im sorry but i gotta bitch here

ive been having burnout really bad lately. i dont want to play anything in my steam library which sucks because i just. i want to play scream fortress but i dont really have the mental energy anymore for actually playing tf2. i dont feel like opening any roblox games i like. i dont feel like reinstalling DE or PD2 on my other hard drive to play those.

theres nothing i want to watch on youtube. all the music ive been listening to is getting worn out. literally i dont know what to do or talk about to entertain myself. and now on top of that i cant go anywhere or do anything for eight weeks because my mom broke her hand. eight. fucking. weeks. where im now stuck in this fucking house for 24/7 and i have to constantly be at her beck and call more often than i already have to be.

i cant go out to practice driving with my dad. i JUST got my permit back like 2 weeks ago (original one was expired.) at least one of us has to be here all the time. and its going to be me. every. single. time.

im going to have to have the burden of EVERY FUCKING HOUSEHOLD thing now. im probably not gonna get helped by my dad bc hes literally constantly at work (not his fault, ik hes busy but it just blows im not gonna get help when i really need it.)

compounding w/this is that i moderate a relatively good sized discord and a handful of newer members are really annoying me (nobody following me if ur in there ofc but like Yeah) and im very glad we were able to get 2 more mods but i had to deal with something serious and it really strained me even though i was like. barely that involved with it.

plus we keep having random incidental shit happen when im the only moderator online. im incredibly incredibly grateful for the two newer mods who have been able to handle some more recent things while ive been desperately trying to have any semblance of an actual life but like. im not fucking joking when i say i shouldnt have to explain why school shootings and child soldiers arent funny or acceptable for an original character. god people like this piss me off so much esp when theyre like “sorry i cant tell whats inapprorpiate an whats not :(((((((((” when its pretty clear we dont allow stuff along those lines in our rules like. come on. dont joke about that shit. dont post borderline fetishy shit in a server with like 14 year olds in it.

oh and forget all that, i cant fucking enjoy time i have off after doing relatively large amounts of homework because: - everything opens sunday, is due next sunday - class discussion boards never have posts until like saturday/sunday night so im stuck with that hovering over my head all weekend bc nobody else fucking bothers to do the assignments until the last minute - one teacher posts her stuff and like makes 3 announcements about it on FRIDAY AFTERNOONS for whatever reason 

with that like i said i literally feel like i cant catch a break from schoolwork because im being harassed by it when i should be able to sit back and relax and not have to worry about it

im trying really hard not to just sit here and break down and cry but im really fucking sick of all of this. im not going to be able to get supplies or anything to make anything until mid december. i have almost no stuffing and the only kind i can reliably get online comes in really small bags.

all i want to do is go to like. joannes. target. maybe the mall or something. im going fucking insane in this house sitting here spiralling into depression really badly and any hope i had to stave that shit off just got thrown in the trash like my moms pajama pants she tripped on.

im fucking tired of it. im fucking tired of being under constant mounting pressure for no fucking reason. i already have my own diabetes bullshit to deal with, i DONT need more fucking stress on top of it but apparently im gods fucking laughing stock or whatever because each day feels like it just gets worse

[misterbitches]

i try not to be too personal-personal here cos tumblr is this thing that is the most chill for me. twitter is so hard. also tehre’s this whole fucked up panoramic thing. 

but

1. i have a now defunct blog about black filmmaking. or not defunct just. unused

2. i am a filmmaker and artist; writer-director and editor specifically. do digital drawing

3. i love art. and i was a big fashion fan. that has influenced my life HEAVILY and continues to do so. it is never apolitical and is a hotbed of thought. i also love music but i dont want to do it cos i wouldnt be good and also i dont want to hate music. 

3.5 i am a bigger fan of films than tv. i love film and art like i said but my rship to visual mediums has changed drastically since i decided to pursue it. because of that you will find my intense analyzation too. it becomes more abaout output and less about enjoyment because it means SO FUCKING MUCH. so when i get to observe wha ti cant do or havent created it’s a reprieve. for music i know so much less aobut it than the rest that i just stay consistently in awe

3.75 im still in awe at those better than me. but we compare ourselves to no one.

4. i had a fashion / regular blog before this. it was mcqueens. i was not internet famous but had a decent following (people are stupid.) a popular post of mine is a pic of lena dunham and taylor swift and i said grand wizards at a meeting. if you know you know

5. i don’t have an ID for leftist terms because i don’t really care. i am not a tankie but i support communism’s dream. best bet woudl be libertarian socialist. 

6. i believe we’re reaching towards a world we want. so im gonna help fight for it. 

7. there’s a lot of good texts out there. i only read articles and fanfic but my best friend bought ‘we do this til we free us’ by mariame kaba and im getting through it. i recommend that

8. im a wobbly

9. i type super off the cuff. stream of consciousness. i try to edit it but i wanna hvae fun. this is unfiltered me. sometimes long, sometimes short. i coudl spend hours editing and analyzing it but it’s just me here. i just wanna say what i am thinking no pressure. i can only be the woman i am. sometimes there’s a hard line of communication (people not understanding me) but i refuse to believe i am unintelligible and i have to stop internalizing that

10. going off 6, my thoughts and humor can be terrible and idk some ppl dont like it. even leftists. that’s life but my god im sorry i said money was bad why did u block me? why do u like cops?????? smdh

11. idk how i got a lot of followers on here but think of me as a mirage. a revolutionary mirage :) 

12. in case it wasn’t clear, i’m black and it means a lot to me. also a fat cis woman. also means a lot to me. so when i engage, knowing my background, bitch imma lean in if i got sth to say. 

13. i always say i dont know everything. i do nnot. i knwo some things about some stuff. i know what i like and what i can do. i am open to learning. i don’t have to be suuuper nice if i dont feel like it though. i dont tolerate bullshit.

14. life is awful and incredibly serious. the conundrum is genuinely not killing yourself. sisyphus! it’s heavy and fucked. but i NEED you to remember this if anything.... for me life is about dignity and doing what you want, okay? so if you get anything out of these posts just fucking laugh and have fun and nod when i say money bad. or just read it if you want. i’ve gotten so many ideas from other ppl like even storywise going through tags and have had such great food for thought. people are insane in the greatest of ways. i may seem pesimistic and melancholy but honestly im an idealist trying to live in the now. i realize that it sucks but there’s beauty in that and that’s why it’s super important to have a place for me to engage but also feel like it’s my space. its been tanquil here actually and i appreciate it even if fsr almost 400 ppl followed me. i really dont know why bc from jump i’ve just been terrible. i dont want praise unless it’s genuine so that’s not it. i have to just trust in myself more because i know my strengths but i dont trust em. i will conquer her !

15. piggybacking off hte middle of 14, I LOVE TO LAUHG. I LVOE COMEDY. i have a specific type of humor i guess. grew up on dave chappelle. arrested development, home movies. home movies isnt sociopolitical but recently i got into king of the hill and i am so impressed with it. great story telling, satire, funny, heartwarming. i love bob’s burgers too. i dont rly watch tv out of that

16. yes i love art and film yes talk to me about it if u want i can give u some recs if u want too and also we can talk and stuff abt that. maybe. and no filmmakers dont watch as many movies as u think. u probably have seen more than i have.