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kraviolis · 3 years

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sorting the owl house characters into hogwarts houses, because im cringe

luz - ravenclaw

she’s creative and clever and is always searching to learn new things and loves learning just for the sake of learning. shes incredibly witty and quick thinking and open-minded. she’s constantly finding clever, creative, and original ways to solve her problems. she hardly blinked when given the opportunity to learn magic, and only continued to show an intense amount of intelligence and appreciation for academics. shes very resourceful as a human learning magic, finding a entirely new form of magic when it was apparent that she couldnt do it the traditional way. she’s very aspiring, wanting to be a witch and an author since she was very young. she’s very logical about a lot of things, like how it doesnt make sense to not allow witches to study multiple tracks or that people were imprisoned just for being themselves. she’s highly encouraging of individuality which is a lesser known trait of ravenclaw but very important. she can be a perfectionist at times and tended to avoid social interaction so she could persue her creativity. she’s outspoken, an overthinker, and very competitive. i think a lot of people might say she’s a hufflepuff, as she’s loyal and kind and hardworking, but luz values learning and creativity above any of those other things— this is evident, when she makes the decision to stay in the boiling isles to learn magic rather than go home to her mom, thus putting knowledge and creativity over her own family.

eda - gryffindor

she’s not afraid to stand up for herself and others and will never back down from a challenge. she would rather die as herself than live unauthentically. she’s very passionate and empathetic. she’s rebellious against rules that dont make sense to her and cares intensely for her friends and family. she has a strong internal moral code that she sticks to intensely, never straying from it. in the very first episode, she breaks into the conformatorium just to get a paper crown thats important to king. she let raine break up with her because she didnt want to burden them with her curse. she forfeited the match with lily because she knew her sister wanted to be in the emperor’s coven more than she ever did. she’s sacrifices herself for luz & king over and over again because she cares so deeply for her.

king - slytherin

he’s self-centered, smart, arrogant, and highly ambitious. he would do anything to achieve his goals— which was at first reclaiming his throne as the king of demons, and then turned into finding out where he came from. he tried to use luz as a means to reach his goals when he became an author, nearly sacrificing their friendship. he became incredibly loyal to luz after that in the same way he’s loyal to eda, the one who raised him.

(other characters under the cut)

lily - slytherin

it was between this and ravenclaw, because she’s incredibly intelligent and does seem to enjoy learning and has a great mind, she’s also incredibly ambitious and prideful. the deciding factor was that she cursed eda just to reach her own goals. she’s still loyal to eda even when working for belos, which says a lot to how she’s loyal to only a select few people. to her, the ends justify the means (making amity cheat to appear like the better teacher, cursing eda to win the duel, kidnapping luz to get belos to cure eda, losing her magic to help eda)

amity - gryffindor

this one was hard, i swapped between slytherin and gryffindor a lot for her. she’s ambitious and intelligent, but also not afraid to do whats right even if means breaking the rules. she’s self-sacrificing and empathetic and prideful. she ended her friendship with boscha to help luz and willow win. she didnt like luz at first because luz kept cheating and messing up her life, which means she has a strong moral code against cheating and bullies. she’s rebellious in small ways at first but once she started realizing how terrible her parents and belos really were, she pulled away extremely quickly.

willow - slytherin

not surprising, if you take into her account of self-preservation and bending of the rules to suit her ambitions. in the first episode she agrees to cheating just to get ahead in school because she wants to make her parents proud, and in the end she switches to the plants track so to her the ends justify the means. she pulled out of the grudgby game when luz pushed her & gus too far, a perfect example of that self preservation. she has a sense of loyalty that extends to very specific people but she always makes sure those people are taken care of. her parents, luz, gus, and eventually king, eda, and amity, too. she wouldn’t die for them, but she would kill for them.

gus - hufflepuff

sure, he has the ravenclaw curiousity and thirst for knowledge, but he’s very kind, hard working, has a strong inner sense of justice and fairness, and is tolerant of others. he helps mattholomule even if he’d been a jerk before because it was unfair if he didnt. he helps luz break into belos’s castle to find a cure for eda, lets luz borrow his library card to see amity, and hated it when mattholomule tried to lie about the human objects. he knows what it feels like to be left behind and underestimated, so he makes an effort to be kind to others who seem to be in the same boat. he’s very young but already so accomplished which is a testament to how hard he works.

hunter - hufflepuff

this one was HARD. it was either slytherin or this, and a deciding factor for this is the fact that he is self-sacrificing. he sacrifices a lot for other people, even if it doesnt seem like it. in the palisman episode, he sacrifices the palismen getting away despite knowing he would be punished for returning empty-handed. in eclipse lake, he leaves to find the titans blood for belos when he simply could have stayed in the castle and been safe. he’s viciously hard-working, dedicated, and loyal to his family. he lets people’s actions speak for them. he doesn’t immediately judge luz for using wild magic and actually seems interested in it before remembering to be loyal to belos. he’s patient, too, as seen by his interactions with luz. he gets frustrated, sure, but he still works with her. he’s modest about his rank and title, preferring to not flaunt it more than needed. but he does take pride in it. he’s kind in his own way, specifically to belos and lil rascal, but you can see it in his interactions with amity & luz, too. with amity, he empathizes with her and gives her advice that he thinks is true, and offers to dig a grave for her too when its apparent that neither of them are getting any titans blood. with luz, he gives up the palismen and protects her from kikimora. that boy is a hufflepuff for sure.

raine - gryffindor

oh buddy theyre the biggest gryffindor ever. they extremely, extremely brave. they have terrible stage fright and anxiety but they still became head bard, and they still ran an underground resistance group, and they still gave everything up just to help eda. they have a strong sense of whats right and whats wrong and incredible amount of passion, empathy, and integrity. they have a great sense of pride— “How did someone with stage fright end up as Head Witch?” “I’m just that good.”— and are very selfless. they stopped eda from sacrificing herself because they knew her kids needed her more, they sacrificed themselves in eda’s place and gave up everything they had just so eda wouldnt have to.

camila - hufflepuff

she’s extraordinarily kind, even when she’s terrified. she’s accepting and open-minded and hardworking, making sure to show luz that she loves her creativity but still wants to make sure luz can do well in school and can make friends. sometimes you can do something you think is kind but isnt really. she’s also a single mother doing her best to give her daughter a good life, which is a credit to how hard she works and how dedicated she is to her daughter. she even took the day off of work to drive luz to camp because she knew luz was anxious and wanted to reassure her. she’s patient with luz, and even when faced with the scariest moment of her life, she’s still thinking of how luz feels rather than her own fears and anger. she’s very much a hufflepuff in the way that she’s quiet and unassuming but fiercely protective of her family.

vee - slytherin

she’s opportunistic and has a sense of self-preservation. she’d rather save her own skin than do that right thing. she’s cunning, having pretended to be camila’s daughter just to have a place for herself. this isnt a bad thing at all, though. she’s also loyal to camila, who she sees as her family, and even got into a fight with luz over how she treated camila. she still listened to luz and let luz help her so that vee could remain living as luz. she doesnt feel guilty about valuing herself ahead of luz.

belos - ravenclaw

honestly? not a hard decision. he’s smart, sure, but he’s not people-smart. he didnt think lilith would betray him after he admitted to lying about healing eda. he doesnt understand loyalty, not even to those close to him. he’s rational and logical rather than emotional. if the theory that he is philip wittebane is to be believed, then its obvious he has an appreciation for learning and knowledge. belos distinctly reminds me of lockhart, or even quirrell, who were also in ravenclaw. he’s got an arrogance to him that blinds him, believing himself to be the smartest and strongest witch on the isles and thus underestimating others, which will only lead him to ruin.

#the owl house #toh #toh spoilers #the owl house spoilers #luz noceda #eda clawthorne #king clawthorne #amity blight #krav talks #my writing #character analysis

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m-feys · 4 years

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OK NEURODIVERGENT GAANG TIME BC I WANNA

these hcs are kinda halfway set in a modern au bc thats my context for this ! (gonna split it up so its not as long bc i drafted the original and it was LONG) water tribe siblings first !!!

Sokka

adhd/autism king 😌

[ID: a screenshot of Sokka standing on a raised stone platform with a map of the Fire nation hanging behind him. He’s holding his arms stiffly by his side with a wide-eyed look on his face, brows raised as he has his mouth open, saying something. End ID.]

- schedules to survive, he likes to know what hes getting into and if you try to change plans on him without warning he’ll be very resistant

- smart kid who doesnt study, oh he tries, oh boy does he try, he ends up reading the same sentence over and over until he gets distracted by drawing something, working on the blueprint for his latest invention, or with researching something completely unrelated to what he’s mean to be studying. then he tosses and turns all night because he’s stressed by not having studied, but when he actually takes the test he makes a 105, despite there not even being a bonus question, he just answered the essay question so well the teacher gave him an extra 5 points

- special interests?? we got em!!! classic weaponry (think swords, boomerangs, but also, like canons and catapults and shit) engineering/physics, art/drawing, strategy games. he tends to hyperfocus within his special interests, so like for a week he was hellbent on building his own full sized trebuchet, much to the dismay of Gran Gran who just wanted to grow her tomatoes without them being crushed by said full size trebuchet

- (also he plays all types of games probably, but he def plays those ones where you take over the world, like the ones online and azula also plays them too and they end up being rivals, while not actually knowing who the other is outside of their usernames)

- he also talks a lot in his classes/is like the ‘class clown’ and ppl think this is him not focusing but engaging this way actually helps him focus way more than sitting silently, a lot of teachers dont understand it but the ones who do are actually paying attention and realize that he’s generally talking/joking about their current topic

- some observations (this shit is all canon babey!!!) - sokka is great at being a leader and communicating in groups he’s in but he really really struggles in front of crowds, one-on-one and sokka can talk well, joke and stuff but as soon as he’s separate from other people and everyone is just listening he clams up (solar eclipse pt 1). he also loves to joke and make people laugh, and a lot of the time he misinterprets stuff because he’s autistic but he also will realize this and do it anyway because he thinks it’s funny and he likes laughing with his friends (idk if this happens in canon but i do this and sokka does too bc i said so :^). He also takes up the protector/comforting role but despite his best intentions he can sometimes say insensitive stuff and not even realize what he’s done to upset people (when he happily told aang ‘the whole world thinks your dead!’) works best when he feels needed, if he feels unnecessary or like something doesnt matter he struggles to complete it (i feel like the beginning of sokka’s master rlly demonstrates what i mean here), and this goes both ways, he will put too much value into certain things that he cares about and can get his priorities mixed if he’s focused too much on what he believes matters more than what might be most pressing (zuko destroyed his suki sculpture, oh right bc he was attacking aang)

Katara

she also has adhd/autism, (so do both Hakoda and Kya 💙)

[ID: a screenshot of Katara, Hakoda, Sokka, and Bato. Hakoda has his hand on Katara’s shoulder as they both look at Bato who is saying something, she has curious look on her face with her brows raised, while Hakoda looks exasperated. Sokka beside him his also looking curiously up at Bato, with one brow raised and the other furrowed. Bato has a neutral expression on his face as he speaks. End ID.]

- palms sweaty thoughts spaghetti, she tries to be practical bc she thinks someone needs to be but really her brain is like a runaway train, she sees something that needs doing and is like, guess ill do that now! and drops whatever she was doing first. she can get very anxious because of this because all the thing that need doing start to pile up because theyre all in her brain at once. that and as much as she tries to be practical she’s very impulsive, getting help from other people really helps alleviate this stuff

- interacting w ppl, when she was only part of her own smaller community she had a lot less toll on her, bc she knew everyone and was used to them, as she meets more people she gets really frustrated with how many people seem to refuse to say what they really mean. Katara is very straightforward herself and she says what she means, so even tho she gets more and more perceptive when interacting with new people, she resents how much she has to work just to decipher what people really mean half the time.

- caring for ppl, with people she cares about communicating is much easier bc she knows them, so she’s very open about her feelings around these people, and she can be hyper empathetic at times, but then sometimes she will say SUPER insensitive stuff off the cuff because she’s just very impulsive and she might regret it after the fact but she really struggles with apologizing because being wrong makes her feel like ppl are going to reject her

- perceptions, she knows what’s expected of her by the world, but she really rejects the idea that she has to stay in her role. still, she has internalized a lot of these expectations and tries to perform them, even when she sometimes struggles. beyond herself, she’s very certain about what she knows is wrong and has a strong moral code, she sees something wrong and she wants to fix it.

- she’s awful in school, not because she’s not smart, but she’s smart in ways that society does not appreciate. she doesnt care at all about all the worksheets and math she’s never gonna use, and all the history that got distorted, she’s much better at learning stuff on her own and she will go on deep dives of subjects she cares about and is super knowledgeable abt them.

also:

[ID: A cropped screenshot of Sokka with his arms extended outwards, palms flat as he gestures. He has a slight grin on his face with his mouth open to speak, eyebrows raised and looking at the viewer calmly. He’s wearing his usual blue tunic with the Earth Rumble XI belt along with his earth kingdom bag hanging across his chest. The text on the image says, “This post made by ADHD Sokka gang. End ID.]

[ID: a cropped screenshot of Hakoda, he has a serious expression on his face as he looks ahead. The text on the post reads, “This post made by ADHD Hakoda gang.” End ID.]

from this post (part of what inspired me to write these out) @meteor-sword now just katara needs one 😄

adhd aang next, i will finally live up to my url (will edit with a link when i post)

#a:tla #atla #katara #sokka #avatar the last airbender #avatar: the last airbender #hakoda #adhd headcanon #autistic headcanon #water siblings #image described

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thesugarace · 4 years

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Alright

I finished HLITF season 1 for Kaga and I SWEAR TO ALL 12 ZODIAC GODS

VOLTAGE. PEAKED!!!! AT KAGA’S SEQUEL

THIS STORY IS AN ABSOLUTE

(Early warning: minor/major spoilers and a lot of rants/fangirling/thirst etc etc all bec I just absolutely love this story and I feel the need to share this love with everyone. Also, I keep seeing everyone hating on MC in this but I actually really liked her here and so I MUST defend her)

Okay

First of all look. loOK. LOOK AT THESE CGS!!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE GET A HOT AND SEXY KAGA CG, A LITERALLY STEAMY ROMANTIC CG AND A BOMB AF STORY ALL FOR $3 EYE-

And oh my huedhaut dont even get me started on the story. It was absolutely on point. It has everything a HLITF story promises to have:

justice in the eyes of our straightlaced MC vs the PSD ✔️

Conflict btwn Kaga and MC precisely because of that ✔️

Our girl pulling a vanishing act bec she refused to compromise her values ✔️

the refusal of each side to back down and their love for each other TEARING THEM APART INSIDE ✔️

OUR GIRL SHOWING OFF HOW INSIGHTFUL SHE REALLY IS AND FINDING A SOLID AF LEAD ✔️

MC’S GROWTH in finding a somewhat compromise between her principles and what is required of her as a PSD detective ✔️

And of course, my absolute favourite: ANGSTY ANGSTY MY-WORLD-IS-ENDING-BECAUSE-MY-MC-IS-IN-DANGER-ANGSTY KAGA ✔️

Okay, I need to address the one thing that everyone just hates about this story en masse and it’s MC. Personally, I dont agree with her about the some parts, especially the interrogation because she did hinder an investigation and in law enforcement that is one big No-No but I do see where she’s coming from, especially with the surveillance thing and the whole copping out and literally running away to the countryside. I saw reviews abt her being completely naive but seriously, put yourself in the position of the one being spied. She’s so against it because to the suspect, what they’re doing could be harmful to him, especially so if he was innocent. I think as a person, she believes in the more publically-accepted justice - the kind of justice that everyone wants but is really very difficult to obtain.

And this is where we get to the beauty of this story. As per their MO, the PSD is ready to do whatever it takes to get the culprit even it means breaking the law. They’re desperate to get the culprit because people are actually getting hurt and the longer this guy gives them the slip, the more people are going to get hurt. Even in MSB, its been established that to the PSD, the end ALWAYS justify the means and they dont give a shit if they look like criminals for it. So this is where the conflict arises between MC and the PSD guys. For the PSD, there’s an opportunity where they might get the culprit but its illegal and for MC, what the PSD wants to do is too risky for something only based on suspicion; she wants to stay on the legal path but she has no lead whatsoever and time is not on either side. People dont seem to realise the weight of MC’s viewpoint and have a tendency to think of ‘officers doing something illegal’ as something as light as jaywalking or smt. No, these institutions have a wide reach and one misstep could bring harmful repercussions onto countless innocent people not to mention the implications of their actions on their integrity as an institution of the law and the integrity of the entire justice system. However, the PSD’s side is a lot more true to reality albeit in more complex situations: their duty beyond all else is to prevent crime and there are times when there really seems to be no way. I’ve been working in law for the past few years and this is a classic dilemma that has been simplified but quite well executed in this context. Justice is not as clear cut as the right way, the right end. The law may simply be black words on white paper but different circumstances dye it with their own colours. This is where MC is lacking. She’s like a freshman at law school - someone who truly believes in the importance of justice but actually has little idea what that actually entails. She is not entirely naive but more in a sense that she’s never been confronted with these kind of complex high-stakes situations (she worked in a police box before this for Ichthys’s sake) and that inexperience disables her from seeing and evaluating the entire situation from the PSD’s pov. For her, its like playing poker for the first time and she’s already betting with the million dollar chips.

The second thing I REALLY must defend her in is the whole quitting from the academy. For the love of Zyglavis, she did NOT run away just because Kaga told her she’s not suited for PSD, it was just the trigger. Lemme put it in a different scenario (btw this scenario is not meant to mirror the situation, its only meant to evoke how MC felt in the story) Imagine you live in a city and you and your significant other are living together. A pandemic has struck your city but everyone refuses to wear a mask and the government is even encouraging people not to wear a mask. You know that wearing a mask slows down the spread of the virus and you are trying to convince people to wear one but they just ignore you. The number of cases is dropping and people think its because they dont wear masks unlike other cities but you know that people should still wear masks or the numbers might spike. So you try to convince everyone to wear a mask and people start berating you for being so stupid as to believe that masks will slow down the spread of the virus when the numbers are dropping without the city wearing them. You go home and your significant other berates you for forcing other people to wear a mask and says ‘since you wanna wear a mask so badly, get out of my house and move out of town’ That’s what it felt like for MC: the absolute frustration + sadness from the rejection of what she truly believes in by the people she’s surrounded by. Time and time again in the story, she’s confronted with the fact that the justice she believes in is not the justice PSD serves. For someone who is working towards joining the PSD, that has to be killing her inside every time. It just serves as a reminder that she is not suited for PSD nor is she what PSD wants in a detective, something she has been struggling with since MS1 but she perseveres perhaps because of her dream to become a detective or because of her aspirations to someday be Kaga’s equal or at least be someone he considers he can rely on. I really believe it’s the second one, after all, it was his rejection of her that really broke her inside and finally convinced her to quit. That’s why if you buy the ending set, you’ll see in the extra stories that Kaga gets extremely angry AT HIMSELF that MC quit the academy. He knows that our persistent Kappa doesnt give up so easily, not even when he scolded her for ruining his interrogation. Its because all these factors built up and he was the one to push her over her limit. So yes, our girl is not fragile yall. She’s just been through so much and I honestly dont blame her for leaving like one order of R&R for our MC here, she deserves it thanks.

Okay, I need to end this soon cause its starting to get too long but what made me really love her here is the whole LIME thing. That part made love her so much because even when she quit on the academy, there’s still a fire inside her to do what it takes to achieve justice, even if it meant relying on the people she didnt agree with. Even when she was so broken inside believing that she’s not one of them, she’s not needed by them, she’s not worthy of helping them; she just wants to help!

IM SO FREAKING SOFT FOR HER BECAUSE THIS GIRL WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH IS STILL FIGHTING IN HER OWN WAY AND JKASHFHASKJHAKSHKJHGA BRB CRYING

ALSO

THAT BLOODY PHONE CALL OH MY FREAKING SCORPIO THAT PHONE CALL. I died when he told her that quitting is not an excuse to leave his side. THESE TWO EYE-

Okay, you have to read that phone call scene from both sides because then you’ll see how much these two are being stubborn because they still dont accept the other’s pov abt the case but at the same time how much they love and miss each other is gnawing at them inside AND THEYRE STRUGGLING TO HOLD ALL THOSE EMOTIONS BACK WHEN THEY HEAR EACH OTHERS’ VOICES OVER THE PHONE FREAKING KRIOFF TAKE THE WHEEL PLEASE

Anyways, I really enjoyed reading season 1 for Kaga, especially because of his MC - I see her actually growing from the small police box officer to a PSD cadet and the sequel, especially, shows promise in how she’s going to navigate the world of law enforcement and facing difficult choices. Our girl really decided to return to the academy without finding a proper middle ground between her values and what PSD requires of her but she showed determination to work on it so I really hope we get to see more of that in later seasons. Also, WHIPPED Kaga is my fav but soft Kaga is up there as well. MC SAYING HE SOUNDED SAD OVER THE PHONE AND HER TEARING UP I CANT. THESE TWO ARE BAD FOR MY HEART.

Okay, Im not sure what I’ll be reading next. I kinda wanna start on his season 2 but considering how amazing this season is for Kaga, Im really curious abt the other characters so I might start on them before starting any season 2s. Also, idk if I would make these long argumentative-ish essays a thing but just idk why, my brain is really good at spewing essays out when it comes to HLITF and I think its fuelled by the panic from all my unfinished work so yay

Thanks for reading!!!

#rediscovering hlitf #HLITF #Hyogo Kaga #seiji goto #hideki ishigami #ayumu shinonome #shusuke soma #her love in the force #voltage inc.#otome #voltage otome #voltage romance sims #voltage guys

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1gm · 5 years

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ok so ive been watching the corona numbers on this website on and off for the past month almost every day and like. seeing the numbers go up so much recently has just been insane. i remember when there was only china above 1k. the exponential growth is fearsome to see

looking at the us having 35k numbers wise now and knowing with the shortage and denial of tests left and right in this shit healthcare system, along with the inhumane working conditions of many companies... just fills me with unease... and i agree with everyone else and am pissed off as fuck that asymptomatic famous people can get tests just like that! i cant do that even though i literally just travelled home from the uk during the travel ban (and limiting the tests to international travellers for so long already capped the us response anyways)

i checked my local news and saw they ran out of tests the day i got home, after doing drive thru testing for only two days. and they are rationing them, giving them only to people above 60 with two or more symptoms now (were already doing that before kind of). emailed my doctor and she confirmed it for me too that i would not receive a test as i am now (not that i have any symptoms anyways but like this thing is everywhere and i care about my family). i wish the us would accept world health organization aid in regards to the tests

my family is in 14 day quarantine with me. preferably longer if i have anything to say about it, given how fast its spreading everywhere and how cavalier americans are about endangering other peoples health. my family cant return to their jobs anyways (which is an impending headache, ageism means my parents might have trouble when the economy is recovering, not to mention collecting unemployment can only go on so long. assuming they dont get corona and have their lungs permanently fucked up to where theyre disabled and cant work). im also nervous about my own job prospects in the next year, and am wondering if im going to be able to get a job outside of this country like ive dreamed of since i was in high school (at least my graduation looks like itll be fine).

so many other people are going through rough times spawned by the freefalling economy that the virus created... its fucking tragic, this mass uncertainty and suffering. besides seeing the videos of lines and lines of coffins in italy and all the videos coming out of swamped hospitals of rows and rows of people on respirators, you also hear of support phone lines being swamped. ,ore people feeling suicidal due to losing their jobs and not being able to pay their bills/provide for their family, domestic violence cases going up with people trapped in their homes with their families who are also facing these extreme stressors. a world in crisis

everyone having all the things they care about cancelled puts a major gloom over everything... and i do personally believe it is important to find happiness in what you can during these times (given the limited state of society) so that your mental state doesnt implode, but that happiness shouldnt be selfish, shouldnt doom other people. people flouting safety regulations and going out enjoying themselves as if this were a healthy vacation is frustrating because the underlying fabric of society (medical and funeral services, the supply chain) being unable to cope with increased death rates is the whole reason we are all being told to limit interactions as much as possible... my heart goes out to all the essential services workers right now. them getting infected and having to quarantine etc as they get infected by the ever increasing number of cases (both symptomatic and asymptomatic) just means that the jobs that hold together human society as we know it currently will struggle further as people take time to recover or straight up die due to lack of medical services. seriously, i wish people being irresponsible would understand the gravity of this whole thing and understand that each and every person has a role to play in saving lives (and that it is literally in their own self interest to do so so that their own life and the lives of those they value arent fucked over because this thing is so far reaching)

#dont reblog please #sidenote im getting back into my old ds/gba games bc all of you are going batshit over nintendo rn lmao #missed my favorite video games while i was abroad #just balancing that with the stress of keeping informed on this whole situation and trying to make the best decisions (see above)#also another sidenote im in an ldr with someone in another country and borders being shut down is fucking depressing #dunno when well next be able to organize a visit... luckily theres lots of things to do with an internet connection together but... yeah...#hope all of u come out the other side of this ok. dunno how the world is gonna change

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archer3-13 · 5 years

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Thoughts on Other Students in 3H

in no particular order

Hubert: evil snake boi, i kinda like you. i just wish there was more actual meat to ya then what there is. still, he does his role effectively and unlike edelgard plays into the whole evil empire thing with more gusto so i ironically find him more palatable because atleast the game isnt trying to pretend he isnt shady as fuck.

Dedue: oddly charming despite his straight laced attitude, he gets some interesting nuance in how well he highly respects (cough loves cough) dimitri and likes individual people from the blue lions, he doesnt have any particular fondness for faerghus as a whole which is definitely understandable given his history. hes essentially using the camus/murdoch aspect of undying loyalty and even borrows elements of the female camuses line of romantic interest in their liege however heavily implied it might be and applying that to a male playable character. Plus he just has some fun and interesting interactions with other characters in general.

Lorenz: I have difficulty saying whether i like him. on the one hand, he ended up being more multidimensional then i thought he was going to be with his internal conflict between keeping up appearances for the sake social status and societal order and his desire to pursue his own personal interests and ideals against the needs of his father and thus societal conventions. on the other hand, the game never really runs with this as much as it should and hes still treated as a bit of a joke character so... c+ to b?

Ingrid: the token heterosexual of the blue lions whos still kinda gay anyways, her whole struggle with being a knight over a housewife seems a bit odd on the surface considering theres plenty of female knights and no one throws much of a fuss in universe, until you learn that it isnt so much that society expects her to do it as matter of course and more so that shes struggling with whether to pursue personal duty to her family or personal desires and ideals kinda like lorenz. in that respect she hits the mark a bit better then he does.

Raphael: kinda insubstantial but i liked him anyways, his sheer exuberance can be kinda refreshing in the games darker moments and hes got a few angles of his own such as his refusal to consider his parents deaths as part of a larger conspiracy so as to not hurt his friendship with ignatz nor ruin his own life and his sisters. plus hes just generally a nice guy. like a big huggable bear. just a shame that being a nice kinda dumb huggable bear is all thats really done with him.

Ignatz: his painting stuff and personal insecurities about wanting to do it over being a knight which his parents want him to do, more of that duty over desires and ideals thing again, is well enough and his probably misplaced guilt over raphaels misfortunes is definitely a highlight of him but he never really grabs as a character for some reason. probably because theres a lot of other characters in the game that hit those same marks and do it better then him.

Sylvain: has a lot of aspects that never really feel like they get proper follow up, his big thing is less womanizer and more so that he covers up his own mistrust and personal feeling by pretending to be a shameless flirt and philanderer. basically, maybe the emotional pain will go away if i flirt with girls and act the fool. but again there never really feels like theres any proper follow up for all this, others comment on it and then its more often then not dropped in story. hes fun enough but never really realized if that makes sense.

Caspar: shonen protagonist is kinda an apt word to describe him honestly, and that idealism of his clashes with the more grey on grey morality of the world hes within which is never a particularly bad direction to take the shonen bois in if done well like hunter x hunter. And he is done well, or at least satisfactorily to the point that hes another one i ended up liking more then i thought i would. his problem is more so that his interactions with most other characters in the main cast which feel duller then they should on most occasions.

Dorothea: probably gonna get a bit of shit for this, but i have no interest in her. her insecurities about her future and getting a good husband is well and interesting but manuela does that better honestly and outside of that dorotheas a bit... not shallow but hazy and insubstantial if you will. she obviously has appeal to people but like ignatz she failed to grab me in part because others did what she did and better within the game itself.

Ashe: soft boi chose to be soft instead of hard, one of the characters i found liking and one i expected to kinda like to begin with. in game he gets accused of being childish and naive a lot but i dont see it personally, hes not naive but more so tries to look for the best in people and in life like lonato did all those years ago for him. that said, the speed with which lonato dies damages his identity as a character a bit by happening before we really get a chance to feel for his relation to lonato, its not to big a bug bear as it doesnt hurt his character all that much but it does feel a bit frustrating.

Felix: teenage angst personified, his main gripes seem to be a distaste of warrior culture and its glorification of bloodshed and sacrifice but instead of approaching it with sadness or pacifism, he lashes out against what he feels is the unfairness of the world. hes not exactly wrong in his feelings and as a character it makes sense and works for his abrasive attitude, and its an interesting twist to the navarre type to have their isolation come not from stoicism nor sheer blood lust or a combo of the two but rather from a rage against the machine of society mindset.

Ferdinand: he got more interesting as i got farther along, and i personally feel he works the best as a character when going against edelgard since thats where more of his personal drama comes from. hes eager to succeed and prove himself worthy of his title over time and holds a chivalrous mindset very similar to others in the cast but his growth is less about learning how to hold onto those ideals in the face of reality for the sake of personal fulfillment but more so about learning to define himself by himself and not by societies needs. ultimately he comes to value chivalry not because its what people tell him to value but because he truly values it and i enjoy that. but its also why i feel he works better on other routes then edelgards since there hes still valuing himself not for himself but for the expectations society or edelgard in this case is placing him under, one tyrant for another in a sense. i admit i dont remember much about him on edelgards route though because i just like him more on the others.

Leonie: poorly timed support aside, she has an odd charm to her that a lot of modern fire emblem characters just dont have anymore. but knuckling past jeralt senpai shes an interesting blend of stingy and work effort that goes to inform itself and her relations to others. and like a lot of the golden deer she has a lackadaisical attitude of ‘i might not know what the fuck is happening, but i do know someone needs an ass whooping!’ and it works especially well in her case since her character is very attuned towards focusing more on her personal matters then the grand scheme of things because she has rent due in a few months. if she was in a more traditional fe set up she would definitely be a beowolf archtype that you need to pay to recruit. in fact im surprised thats not an option on other routes to begin with for her.

Hilda: honestly suprised me by not being a pure serra type. she has aspects of that on the surface with the selfish almost vain attitude towards life and others bur well serra is more about puffing herself up to hide insecurity and contribute towards a desperate desire for grand social status, Hilda downplays herself and her abilities due to living in her brothers shadow if unintentionally and seeing the stress it can bring. they’re both lazy and vain, on the surface anyways, always getting others to do their work for them but well serra seeks more social status to escape it hilda seeks less social status to escape it. plus it was kinda funny to see hilda act as claudes unofficial number 2 you could still recruit.

Lindhart: Sleepy boi needs a nap and thats kinda it really. exaggeration maybe but unlike a lot of characters in the game and the series as a whole he really doesnt have a reason to be there as a character. as a unit certainly but not a character, in terms of motivation anyways. He hates blood, fighting and violence, hed rather sleep or pursue personal interests then work or politics, hes insightful and intelligent but the important players in the plot have other advisers and hes not interested in stepping up in that regard anyways. his only real reason for being there is academic interest and even then a pin has to be put in that when war breaks out. hes not a bad character overall though, his sleepiness and insight make for an interesting double act along with his blunt mannerisms, i just have trouble pinning down motivations for him.

Mercedes: big team mom energy, which i suppose goes along with the whole being older then everyone thing. a bit dopey and airheaded at first glance shes one of the more receptive characters to how others are feeling and well she does try to nurture shes not above scolding if she feels it would help someone more then praise and reassurance. of course shes also very detached to events of the world mostly just there to help the people around her from the bottom rather then the top which is not an insult and more one of the things i find fascinating about her. it all makes for a very interesting character and one of my personal favorites of the cast.

Annette: overworker, issues with her dad, magic bubbly, and hits things with axes. a nice recipe of a character but it never feels as if the game can get it all to blend properly. more so to the point is that most of these elements work independently of each other and not to inform each other despite the games insistence. theres a lot of dramatic potential involving her father as well and though the game makes the best use of those aspects its not to the benefit of the rest of her character. it doesnt hurt her either though and she has some appealing dialogue with other characters.

Marianne: I had trouble getting to like her, perhaps more so then any other character among the other students. not because i hated her but because shes, well, very boring. alot of the characters in the game are into the self deprecation thing already and well her personality aspects of acting quite and submissive to fall into the background from a lack of self confidence it also feels like the game came up with two different explanations for it and couldnt settle on whether it was because of her adoptive fathers pressure or her families history and instead of weaving both together decided to use them interchangeably. Sometimes shes a wallflower because of her father and a lack of confidence to state her mind and self loathing over that lack of confidence, other times its because of her lineage and self loathing over her cursed history. never really at the same time.

Bernadetta: another odd favorite for me. recent support changes aside, the basic gist of her history remains the same in that her father was a tyrant in regards to her future which caused her to grow up with no confidence and a crippling fear of society, so shes already off to a good start as a character by basically doing mariannes schtik but better. well its hard for me to definitely say she ever grows past that as a character, thats fine in my opinion because her development is less stop being a recluse because society demands you dont and more so about making actual friends and learning that not all people are garbage fires just most of them. in most of her supports anyways. she just feels the most rewarding to interact with alright, and she was the one i always felt the most upset to mess up a speak thing with. Let us hug and stay inside watching cartoons together.

Petra: i went in wanting to like her and really liking her at first, but shes hit a middle of the road for me now. her speech gimmick wasn't particularly egregious and gets even less noticeable after the timeskip, but her actual character is a very straight forward ‘national pride demands independence’ package and doesnt really escape past that boundary all that much. its very understandable motivation, id even go so far as to say that shes the one with the best reasons to betray the empire of the black eagles characters, so like ferdinand i feel she works better outside of the black eagles in term of her own character identity and motivation/development as she finally stands up for her peoples right to exist on their own in an fe6 echidna kinda fashion. outside of that though shes... foreign to the other characters. thats kinda it.

Lysithia: as a unit she hits like a truck, as a character shes functional but hardly revolutionary for the series. i mean i did like her since i have a fondness for her archtype of weird magic prodigy poor social skills, but more so that she doesn't hit any particularly new notes in that regard. Shes a lot of lute, with some delthea childishness in her, some of sanakis sharper political wit and dark history, and a bit of miriels scientist on top. that said its all blended very nicely and she has some nice scenes for herself that got me to feel and care for her, some kinda adorable moments, and a history well woven into the games background and more so then most of the other deer and a lot of the other characters from across the houses in general. for a minor character anyways.

you may now all stone me to death.

#fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #fe3h #fe16

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sunlitroom · 6 years

Text

Gotham – s5e05 – Pena Dura

As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.

Previously on Gotham:

Selina went stab stabbity stab. Alfred told Bruce he can’t save Selina from herself. Ed woke up on a rooftop. Jim gave speech #357 on the value of hope. Then Haven exploded, proving that hope can only do so much against an RPG. Jim’s been promised help for weeks! He also won’t stop until he finds who’s responsible for Haven. Ed was responsible for Haven, albeit in a weird trance-like state. Jim stared at the charred remains of Haven.

As always, long post will be long. There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)). There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism. Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.

In a church, a man is watching an old black and white film. From what I can figure out from the actors involved and the character names, it’s a George Brent film called Tangier Incident. It’s not a particularly interesting film. He is, however, in a good creepy film called The Spiral Staircase, which I recommend.

Anyway

Jim and Harvey approach him, guns drawn, and ask him turn around. Apparently, he’s the one who sold the RPGs. He seems pretty unimpressed by them, and rather insolently asks if they’re going to arrest him.

Jim says he wants a name. Old film guy addresses some unseen minions

What do you say boys? You wanna show the lawman how we feel about uninvited guests?

No-one is backing down. The stand-off is broken up by the arrival of lots of large people dropping through the stained-glass ceiling, who promptly take the thugs out.

While this is happening, Jim wrestles the weapons dealer/film enthusiast. He still wants a name. The fight is pretty even until the old guy is shot in the head.

We now get a slow-motion shot of shiny army boots approaching to some foreboding music. Jim rises, frowning in confusion as shiny boots man removes the mask covering his face.

Eduardo?

Nice shot right?

We get the military music we last had with Barnes to let us know that Jim likely met this man in the army. His men are still pointing guns, one at Harvey, so he tells them stand down.

Jim asks Eduardo what he’s doing here. He tells Jim he last saw him running through sniper fire to save him from a burning truck.

Jim claims he had the old guy where he wanted him – but he’s glad he’s here. Eduardo says he is too

They wander through the church chatting. Jim tells Harvey they hated each other in boot camp. Jim thought Eduardo did things too fast, while Eduardo thought Jim was too careful.

A sarcastic Harvey says that Jim’s taught him a thing or two about being careful.

Jim and Eduardo lapse into military jargon – talking about the mission plan. Eduardo says that they’re helping Walker (the woman Jim’s been talking to on the radio). They’ve to make this hellhole safe.

Jim, disgruntled, comments that all it apparently took for them to be sent help was the murder of hundreds. Eduardo says they’ve to remove all criminal elements and make the city safe. He introduces his second in command, who hands Jim a ledger they’ve found. On it – we see Ed’s name against two RPGs.

Jim turns to Harvey. He and Eduardo will go after Ed. Harvey is to set up a command centre at GCPD. Harvey protests.

I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I still got some fight in me. I’m not some desk jockey – I’m a street guy

Jim says Harvey’s the best cop he knows. Ed tends to think ahead. If this goes sideways, Harvey will need to take over.

I need your help buddy

Harvey nods.

GCPD where Bruce runs into Alfred. Alfred tells him Jim isn’t there – they’ve got a strong lead in the Haven bombing. He asks Bruce what’s wrong.

Bruce tells him worriedly that he can’t find Selina anywhere. Alfred replies that Selina is capable of looking after herself. Bruce says that she’s not herself, though. Alfred pulls a face and tells him that Jeremiah deserved to die. A resentful and upset Bruce says that Jeremiah made Selina a murderer – just like Ra’s did him.

(An aside. Much like Alfred, I don’t really have a problem with Selina stabbing Jeremiah. But this is only one of many times this episode will get a bit forgetful. Selina was a murderer before she killed Jeremiah, Bruce. You were there when she shoved that guy out the window. Not that I really have any time for Alfred’s ex-army friend who stabbed him and robbed you – but Jeremiah wasn’t the first time she’s killed)

Alfred quibbles this, claiming that Ra’s goaded Bruce into murder, but Selina did what she did with open eyes

And you’ve got to learn to respect that son

Bruce wants to find her, though, and leaves – as Alfred watches.

(An aside - Eh. On one hand, yes – Selina can make her own decisions. She has autonomy. On the other hand – Selina did what she did while still struggling to cope with the trauma of Jeremiah shooting her. Alfred excusing Bruce but condemning Selina – even though he agrees Jeremiah needed to be removed – doesn’t really sit well with me. On top of all that – Selina’s endangered herself for Bruce on a number of occasions, gone out of her way to help him, in fact. She’s clearly not coping now – and leaving her to her own devices seems off to me.)

In the library, we see Ed listening to his blackout recordings. He howls with frustration, unable to establish a pattern.

It makes no sense!

He catches sight of himself in a nearby mirror

You're not a murderer, Ed. Except Kristin Kringle, and Officer Doherty.

He goes on

But all those people. And children. How could you do it? Why?

He roars

It doesn't matter – it’s you - not me

(An aside. This is really a bit of a mess. So. Am I to assume that Ed is being a massive hypocrite, and selectively editing his criminal record? Or am I to assume that Ed differentiates between murders committed by Ed and those committed by The Riddler? Maybe, that doesn’t really work here – since some of these were committed before he discovered that persona. Besides – wasn’t one of the features of his ‘becoming’ his personalities becoming fused? Or are the writers choosing to forget some of Ed’s other murders? Who knows.)

Hearing a sound, he turns. It’s Jim and Eduardo – who have arrived to arrest him. He holds his hands up defensively.

No - Jim - I can explain

Jim is taken aback.

Explain? You son of a bitch - you actually did it?

(Interesting. Although Ed’s name was in the ledger, Jim doesn’t seem to have thought that Ed was truly responsible – or didn’t want to believe it might be true.)

Eduardo tells Ed to get on his knees. That’s three Eds in this show now – not counting Ed’s many personalities. For reference, if they’re all ever in the same scene, the dog is Ed1, the lanky green one is Ed2, and beardy army guy is Ed3.

Ed protests, and says he didn't – but he needs a little bit of time

Eduardo is still pointing his gun – and tells Jim to just say the word.

Ed pleads. You know me, Jim. People that I have...hurt - they hurt me first

(Eh? There are multiple gif sets going around which show how ridiculous this remark is. Ed’s hurt plenty of people just because he wanted to.)

I didn't know a single person in Haven

Eduardo glances at Jim

Your call, buddy – he basically confessed

Ed watches carefully as Jim thinks and then decides,

Bring him in – he stands trial

We’re saying this again? What kind of court will this be? Who is the judge? Lawyers? Jury?

Ed isn’t enthused by this. He touches a book from the bookcase. Eduardo is apparently standing on pressure-plated ied. One twitch, and he’ll repaint the room with his organs. He smiles.

Jim points his gun. But apparently Ed has also devised some sort of watch that monitors changes in Ed’s heart rate if it deviates by more than 10 bpm up or down, and can cause an explosion - if necessary - from as far as a mile away. Whatever. Apparently, in a fit of sexual frustration after his recent contact with Lucius, Ed sublimated his lustful stirrings into an inventing binge.

Ed and Jim try and stare each other out a bit. Jim says Ed will be a target once news of his guilt gets out. Eduardo says he thinks Ed’s threats are bluffs. Jim says Ed doesn’t bluff. Well – there was the time with all the cops and the poison gas that turned out just to be sleeping gas, but - hey. This episode is having severe difficulties remembering details, storyline, characterisation….take your pick.

Jim lets Ed leave. Summarising because this recap is lengthy – Jim uses his cat-like reflexes to leap across the room and finds the right book to free Eduardo – whose whole take on the puzzle is that he’d like

to wring this nerd’s neck

Jim gives him a welcome to Gotham. Wanting to wring Ed’s neck is just part and parcel of visiting. He adds that the city grows on you, before contacting Harvey and telling him to put the word out: Ed is wanted for the attack on Haven

Bruce strides into Sirens, looking for Selina. A fairly happy-looking Barbara leads him towards a booth. With a flourish, she tells the crowd to raise their glasses for the killer of Jeremiah Valeska. The crowd parts, and we see Selina sitting in a booth with a group of girls. Is this the booth of Bruce’s downward spiral? Is this the ‘I am having a long dark night of the soul’ booth? Do you have to book ahead?

Selina raises her glass, but her smile is more ironic than anything else.

(An aside. Barbara seemed happy. It's hard to say whether having the killer of Jeremiah Valeska at her club is bring extra cachet, whether her one-night stand with Jim brought her some closure and happiness, or whether she and Jim are still having sex and she’s pleased about this.)

In some abandoned building, we hear a radio send out the message about Ed being wanted by the police.

A tall skinny man wearing a green suit and eyeglasses

They left out his BritPop hair.

Outside an angry mob gathers and chants. We see Ed hiding from them, before slipping off.

At City Hall, Oswald stands, flanked by his henchmen, as a visitor opens a box for him. Whatever it is seems to make him happy – and he pays the man 200 bullets in return – telling him to go have fun and keep up the good work.

As the man leaves – Oswald is brought a message

He reads aloud

Edward Nygma is the monster responsible for killing the innocents of Haven

Oswald looks incredulous for a moment, and then worried – wondering aloud,

Ed…what have you done?

The mob from earlier runs past. Ed hides – but is walloped on the side of the head.

GCPD. Eduardo tells Jim they’re pushing uptown – but there’s still no Nygma. He’s confident they’ll get him though. He then asks Jim to tell him about Scarecrow. Jim says his guys would need gasmasks – but taking him down would be a big one.

We’re on a sort of rural street. We pan up Ed’s body. I own those boots. He’s unconscious and tied to some kind of deck chair.

An older blonde woman leans in towards his face.

Time to wake up!

Forgive me – American readers. I can only tell that she sounds Southern, which I know isn’t very specific.

She tells Ed she’s the woman who will carry out his execution, along with her two boys – two men, who are sitting in a truck parked facing Ed.

They’ve basically created a makeshift electric chair. There’s a lot of whooping and laughing as they give Ed a tester jolt. He yells in pain, gasping when they stop.

The woman tells him that was only a taste. It’s fair that Ed should die to pay for JoJo, who was in Haven when Ed blew it up.

She holds up a photograph. Ed seems afraid to look at it – then bursts into laughter when he sees it’s a dog. For good measure – he calls the woman an anthropomorphizing nincompoop when she claimed that JoJo was happy and smiled often.

They give him another burst of electricity. Ed hallucinates – seeing a spiteful Oswald telling him

I'm going to fix you, Ed

Ed blinks – confused. They jolt him again. This time he sees a sincere Oswald, repeating the same phrase.

Everything stops when there’s some kind of fault with the electricity. Ed quickly spots a way to trick them and escape. In doing so – one of the men’s legs catch fire. As Ed runs off, he declares that he’ll fix Oswald.

At City Hall, we hear distant explosions. One of Oswald’s henchmen tells him that the army has invaded and men are heading this way. Oswald asks him if Nygma has been located – to which the man replies he has feelers out. Oswald tells him the first man to find him gets to live.

Turning, he tells his dog he is surrounded by morons. If he didn’t have his empire – he’d go get Nygma himself

(An aside – it’s actually something that has been frustrating about Oswald in later seasons. Season One Oswald was very mobile. He moved around a lot: think of all the places we see him. Fish’s club, Gertrud’s apartment, GCPD, Jim and Barbara’s place, Maroni’s weird lodge, Falcone’s mansion, Loeb’s house…. It helped give a sense of how he had a finger in every pie, but also how much he truly inhabited the city. He was everywhere. But after they have him empire building – he becomes much more static. He’s usually stuck in a grand house or hall, and has to send other people out to do his bidding.)

He spots that the gun on his desk has gone. He turns – and now it’s pointing at his head

It’s Ed2

(Ed gets demoted if the dog is in the same scene)

Hello Oswald. We have a great deal to talk about. But first - did you name your dog after me?

(An aside. You know – that dog is sweet, but the naming decision feels like self-indulgent fic territory. Unpopular opinion, I know – but there it is.)

At GCPD, Harvey says Nygma’s been seen at City Hall – he’s going after Oswald. Eduardo says Oswald is at the top of their list – so this sounds like a twofer

Jim says Oswald has all the ammo in town – so they need shock and awe

Eduardo says that’s his default, and asks Jim if he’s ready to go.

Jim looks a little dubious, and tells him to take Harvey. He’ll keep things locked down here

(An aside – it’s possible that Jim does this because he wants to salve Harvey’s bruised ego from earlier, although sending him to City Hall with Eduardo to face a heavily-armoured and very irritated Oswald would seem to be a bit of an over-correction of that earlier moment. It is amusing to consider, though, that Jim did not want Eduardo to witness what would likely have happened at City Hall if Jim had gone instead – i.e. Oswald wheedling his way out of a visit to the precinct, Jim telling Oswald to please be good this time, and then some emotionally vulnerable and sexually charged staring.)

At Sirens, a flippant Selina tells a serious-faced Bruce he’s killing the buzz. Bruce tells her this isn’t her. Selina smiles, and asks Bruce if he really thinks he knows her. He solemnly tells her better than she knows herself.

Selina smiles. She tells Bruce that the night his parents were murdered she watched it all and did nothing.

Her eyes fill

She says she watched

That guy shoot your father and shoot your mother and through it all - I did nothing

She lets out a laugh that turns into a sob

I didn't call for help. I didn’t scream at him to stop

Bruce tells her it wasn’t her fault – she was a scared kid. Selina tells Bruce he was the scared kid.

Bruce has teared up now too. She continues

We are not the same. I didn't do anything because I was not willing to risk my neck - because I didn’t care. That's who I was and that's who I am

A different song starts playing. Selina puts on a faux-smile and says she loves this song. A tearful Bruce watches her walk away.

Back at City Hall, an irate Ed is questioning a confused Oswald.

What did you do?

What are you talking about?

Ed is insistent

You! You are the reason I killed those people! How could you? You have made me some murderous puppet!

(Just a reminder here that when Ed found a seriously injured and traumatised Oswald in the woods, he took him home, injected him with God knows what, told him he had no option but to stay there, and rubbed his hands with glee when he figured out the best way to manipulate him to his own ends – which was through his grief for his murdered mother. You know, just while the story is touching on stuff like taking away someone’s agency, and using them for your own selfish ends.)

Ed rants that he’s spent weeks waking up strange places - driving himself mad, thinking he’d gone mad - now he knows that it’s all been Oswald’s doing

Of everything that you have put me through - this is the most cruel

(Just another reminder that - you know, while we’re discussing cruelty – Ed tried to drive Oswald insane, dug up his father’s remains, humiliated him, attempted to demonstrate that he wasn’t capable of love (so – you know – tried to completely dehumanise him), and then shot him in the gut and pushed him off the end of the pier. Just, you know, in case we’re looking for some kind of gold standard for cruelty).

Oswald blinks in confusion, and tells Ed that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Ed quotes the ‘I’ll fix you’ from his hallucination. He goes on – telling Oswald he didn’t fix him: he broke him

Realisation dawns on Oswald’s face.

Wait - I said that to you on the night the bridges blew!

He tells Ed that he saved his life. He found him and paid Hugo Strange to save him – but Hugo must have done something when he was patching him up.

Ed is incredulous. Oswald is indignant – asking him what he was supposed to do? After Butch, Ed was his only friend. Ed exclaims that he shot Butch, to which Oswald retorts that’s why he needed Ed alive.

Oswald is frustrated. He sighs and turns to him

Edward Nygma - if I wanted you to suffer, I would never do it in some backhanded way. If we are ever at odds again, you will know without a doubt that I am your enemy. I promise you that, as a friend.

(An aside. I have made no bones about the fact I’ve found just about everything they’ve done with this relationship over the seasons to be utterly forced - clunky and leaden. If anything ever exemplifies a lot of what I don’t like about it, it’s that moment just there. Compare how natural and nuanced almost any other interaction in this episode was in comparison with this moment. It’s self-indulgent and melodramatic in a manner usually reserved for bad fanfiction. Bear it in mind particularly when we get that lovely scene later with Bruce and Harvey, and compare the two.)

Ed considers him for a moment, then yells

What a mess! I might have killed you, Oswald. And if that day comes, I swear to you that I will stare you in the eye as I stab you in the heart.

We already saw that, Ed. Back when you shot him in the gut

Oswald nods tearfully

(An aside, something else I hate about what they’ve done with this – insta-woobie ooc Oswald)

Oswald tells him to look on the bright side. If Strange messed with his head, then Ed’s not responsible for what happened. Ed asks where to find Hugo – but the conversation is interrupted by an explosion.

One of Oswald’s men tells him that GCPD and the army have blown the gates

Oswald whispers to him

Grab Nygma - they want him, not me

(An aside – the speed with which Oswald is willing to sell Ed out is honestly hilarious)

Ed – however – has legged it, leaving a fulminating Oswald behind.

The doors to the main hall are blown open, and a smoke bomb is rolled on. Harvey and Eduardo enter. Oswald waits amidst all the smoke – probably for the drama more than anything

Why hello Harvey!

He teases him about the ammo situation last time. Harvey tells him they don’t want his territory. They want him to put down his weapons and hand over Ed Nygma.

The situation, I think, is now more about Oswald being pissed that his turf has been invaded than anything else. He tells them to leave by the time he counts to three, or he’ll shoot everyone.

Harvey stands his ground.

Oswald smiles

You’re not thinking clearly, Harvey. Maybe call your boss - see what he thinks

(An aside – Oswald is so offended that he’s even having to look at someone from GCPD who isn’t Jim. Ugh. This day just gets worse. Funnier yet is his conviction that Jim will tell Harvey to come back to GCPD and stop bothering him)

There’s a staring match. Oswald’s men all wind up shot, and Oswald is taken in to GCPD.

Ed is in Sirens - on his knees in front of Barbara. She tells him all Gotham is looking for him

He replies that he needs information – your speciality

(An aside. What? Since, like - when? When did information become Barbara’s speciality? I know she likes power and money. She’s also fond of violence and casual cruelty. But information? When was that supposed to have happened?)

Barbara says she’s going to cut his face into a jigsaw puzzle. Ed urgently asks her if he’s dumb. If – in all the years she’s known him – he’d ever done anything as brutally idiotic as this. He didn’t kill those people.

Well…. not exactly.

Barbara dismisses her guards. Ed tells her about Hugo Strange’s involvement, and how he suspects mind control. Whoever is responsible for the mind control killed those people, not him

Barbara says if by some miracle she believes him – why would she help?

Ed piques her curiosity by wondering what kind of powerful person would hire Strange and have Ed adapted in this way. He says that Barbara must know where Hugo is, and when he finds out who was responsible for the chip – he’ll share the intel. She’ll want to know, because, after all

Information is your lifeblood

Sure, whatever.

Barbara doesn’t know precisely where Hugo is, but can direct him to his Igors.

An interrogation room in GCPD. Oswald lies on his front on the floor, his lip bleeding. He looks up at Jim, who is apparently watching, and his face twists for a moment into a combination of pain and an appeal for help

For his part, Jim looks troubled. He’s not enjoying this – in fact, I would go so far as to say it looks like he can’t stomach it – but he’s tolerating it.

Jim replies to his pained look

You’re protecting a mass murderer - don't look to me for sympathy

(An aside. Yes – I ship this, but even with shipper glasses off – it’s pretty much there in the text. Oswald knows that he can appeal to Jim for sympathy. In responding to his look as he does, Jim is openly acknowledging that he would usually be a source of sympathy for Oswald. It’s an admission from them both that there are dimensions to their relationship that go well beyond cop/gangster and – more than that – an admission that they’re both aware of that)

Oswald spits blood

Fine. But not with that meat head around

Jim nods, and Eduardo leaves

Oswald laughs and rises from the floor

You know – they say you can judge man by the company he keeps

Jim retorts

This from a man who has no friends

(An aside – that sounds meaner than it actually played. It’s delivered in that slightly schoolyard tone Jim reserves for teasing Oswald – it’s not earnest or cruel. Also – as we’ve seen this season, just saw in this scene, and will see again in a moment – it’s just not true. Jim and Oswald have a relationship beyond work.

On top of that, you know – Jim – if not for the fact that Harvey is an extraordinarily forgiving man, your own friend list would have tumbleweeds blowing through it.)

Jim and Oswald take a moment to give each other a long, complicated look. This scene is full of long complicated looks. Neither of them particularly want to be in this situation, but their hands have been forced.

Oswald tells Jim that Nygma is a patsy, not a mass murderer. He likes puzzles, games, killing – but killing hundreds of people – that’s not him, Jim knows this.

Jim asks who set him up

Oswald laughs, and leans back in his chair.

Jim - you want info, I want to go home

Jim grimaces.

Eduardo’s not going to go for that.

Oswald smiles before pressing Jim’s button

I'm sorry – I thought you were in charge

Jim grimaces angrily and leans on the table

Even if I were to let you go – the army is going to come after you: things are changing in Gotham

I'll take my chances

Jim blinks. He seems, to be honest, tired and uncertain.

Do you want Nygma or not?

Jim looks at him, and then glances sidelong at where Eduardo waits outside.

Jim leaves the interrogation room and talks to Eduardo

I know where Nygma’s going

Eduardo looks at him, then past him, nudging the door to let it swing open – revealing an empty room. He looks back at Jim

I trust you know what you’re doing?

They leave to go find Ed

(An aside. Quite a complicated little scene. Neither Jim nor Oswald want to be in that room – but external forces have shoved them in there anyway.

There’s a lot of history in the looks that are going back and forth. Like I said, we have the explicit acknowledgment that Jim is likely to offer Oswald sympathy when others won’t. We also have the open admittance that Jim knows Oswald sees him as a soft touch, and that he will likely give in anyway – just not in this particular circumstance, because the destruction of Haven was such a big deal.

Oswald also knows that pressing Jim’s buttons over control and power is likely to be effective.

Last up – we have Jim obliquely warning Oswald of the danger the army poses to him. He’s not threatening him here, or trying to intimidate him. If anything, his tone is almost pleading. He doesn’t know how handle this situation. He’s asked for help – and help has finally arrived – but Jim’s not actually sure what to do with it now it’s here. Eduardo plainly told Jim that Oswald was at the top of their hit list. Jim’s response? Let him go, warn him that danger is coming.)

In some lab facility somewhere, a body slides down a hatch.

It’s Hugo!

He’s complaining that the last body he was brought was gangrenous and completely unsuitable. When he turns, though, he sees Ed pointing a gun at him

Mr Nygma

Ed want to know how he control of his alter ego. He’s rambling a little, talking about his Ed side.

A curious Hugo remarks that he is Ed Nygma.

Ed says he’s also the Riddler.

Hugo’s professional side makes a rare appearance

How interesting

He adds, though, that he knows nothing about all that. He just tinkered and inserted a chip in his brain.

Ed wants to know who requested this. Hugo says he’ll write it down, so he can truthfully say that he didn’t tell Ed who was responsible. His pen, though, contains knock-out gas – which he sprays at Ed.

Hugo says that he’s mystified as to how Ed regained any awareness – and that he’ll just have to open him up and take a look under the roof.

Bruce is at GCPD looking for Jim. Instead, he finds Harvey, working at his desk

Sorry kid – it’s just me

He quickly takes in Bruce’s obvious distress, and takes his glasses off to regard him more carefully.

You all right?

Bruce says he’s fine – just looking for Jim. He remarks that he saw soldiers downstairs, trying to make some conversation – but still seeming distracted. Harvey watches him, concerned.

Yeah, the Army's finally gotten off their asses and decided to help. Jim's out with them now. Are you sure you're all right?

A tearful Bruce says that he doesn’t know. His usual careful defences crumble.

I see people losing their will to do good. People I love. What if we don't make it out of this?

Harvey looks at him. His face is sombre.

I'm not gonna lie, kid. These past few months, I've wondered the same thing. And when I don't know what to do, I come up here and I dig into these case files. I sit my ass down and I get to work. I used to hate this kind of paperwork; now it's the only thing that keeps me going. Why? Because the little things matter. Act by act, deed by deed, it means something. Even if no one notices or cares.

Bruce listens – taking in what he says

Thanks, Harvey.

He then does the classic Batman quick exit – leaving a slightly befuddled Harvey

(An aside - This scene between Bruce and Harvey was really lovely. Bruce is tired, upset, and worried about Selina. He's lost his conviction that things will work out, and everything looks hopeless to him right now. Harvey doesn't have the answer to any of that - but he does have an honest way to go on with things: do the work. It doesn't have to be showy and praised by all and sundry. Do something useful - and know that the deed itself and the results are both worthwhile.

It was an understated scene that still got across some very big issues.

There’s the flagging of some key differences between Jim and Harvey – Jim’s need to be seen as a hero, and Harvey not sharing that same concern. There’s also insight into how someone who is as fundamentally unhappy and alone as Harvey finds a meaningful way of living. There’s also how much Harvey has changed since we first met him.

It's sweet, too, that Bruce confides in him. They don't know each other well - but he's still been a constant. Equally sweet is how Harvey talks to him. He doesn’t coddle him, or just try to cheer him up in the way that Alfred or Jim might. He’s simply honest. No platitudes, and no inspirational speech. He tells Bruce he’s just as scared as he is, and then offers him a way to deal with his fear.

Now - compare that simple moment of compassion, all the subtleties and pathos, and all the meaning it holds with the yelling and stilted dialogue at City Hall with Ed and Oswald. The difference is glaring.)

Hugo has top of Ed's skull off – pretty much like Hannibal tried to do to Will. According to Hugo, the gas he used on Ed immobilised him – but he can still feel pain. A simple reboot will fix the problem, though.

A City Hall, Oswald carries his dog along to a hatch in the floor. He carefully descends a ladder, still carrying him, and turns on a light. It’s a massive vault – full of gold and money and shiny things.

He smiles and tells the dog that the time has come for a change of scenery

I’ve said this for ages, sweetie. You’ve got all that crime money. Buy yourself a flat in Paris, another in Berlin. Florence, Athens, Barcelona…. go for it.

Back in the lab. Hugo says the electric charge must have overloaded the chip – but he’d fixed it. He will pass the good news to his handler. His smiles disappears when he realises that a gun is being held to his head.

He protests. He’s just helping a man who needs medical attention! Hugo is vile – but BD Wong is fantastic.

Jim walks round Hugo to look at Ed, whose eyes are open. Hugo petulantly says he gave him biomedical anaesthesia – and brings him round.

Ed screams in pain and then immediately protests his innocence

I told you wasn't me!

Jim tells Hugo to talk. He says a contract came along, and developed a tool – gesturing to Ed, who is indignant.

How dare you

Eduardo contacts one of his men and tells him to escort Hugo out. He leaves with a ta ta

He smirks at an incredulous Jim

Sorry pal - this part of the op is need to know

Apparently Walker – the woman Jim has been talking to one the radio – wants Ed taken out now.

Jim is puzzled – asking if Walker is behind this - controlling Nygma

Eduardo shrugs that he hates the spooks crap. He just follows orders

Jim mentions Haven – reeling from the idea that Walker might have been behind it.

Eduardo says Jim is to put a bullet in Ed's brain

Jim replies with a flat no

Eduardo tells him to call it proof of loyalty - what Walker needs to see from him before she implements the relief plan. He tries to persuade him

Look at him. He's a loon. A cop-killer.

(An aside – the strong feeling we’re getting from Jim at this point is ‘yeah – but he’s my loon’ – in the same way that this is his screwed-up home, and his tyrannical gangster. I suspect this storyline might have lasted longer had the season not been truncated – and we’d have seen Jim gradually pull away from Eduardo, the man he thought was his friend, to acknowledge that he belongs to Gotham, and has emotional ties there that he’s not willing to break.)

Jim just wants the truth: did Walker destroy Haven?

Eduardo tells him ours is not to reason why – and says this is his chance to be part of the plan.

He adds that if Jim can’t pull the trigger on Ed – I’ll pull it on you

Jim stares

You’d kill me for some bureaucrat?

Eduardo is unperturbed. There’s really not one thought rattling around in that big beardy head of his

Mission comes first - you taught me that. What's your answer?

Jim says he saved his life one too many times. He feints putting his gun down, and then runs and escapes down the hatch in the wall we saw earlier. Wheeee!

Eduardo presses a button, and orders EdBot to find Jim and kill him

EdBot immediately complies, and also goes wheeeeee down the chute.

Eduardo watches him go – secretly envious that his orders apparently don’t allow him to go wheeee too.

Aha – so this is where that absurdly beautiful image of Jeremiah came from. He’s lying down, eyes shut, in some kind of cave. We see a rock pulled aside by Ecco

Boss - wake up

Jeremiah winces as he sits up. Ecco asks sympathetically if the stitches are still sore, and tells him he should have worn the armour she made.

Jeremiah curls his lip contemptuously, and tells her the bullet is making her sentimental – she should gave it a shake. Ecco obligingly does so – and nods excitedly when he asks her if that’s better.

He tells her he had to let Selina stab him once - verisimilitude trumps precautions. Ecco nods – and says Bruce and Selina had to think he was dead. Jeremiah rolls his eyes at her summary, and comments impatiently that he takes it she has news. She replies that it’s all systems go, and they head out.

(I suppose this is essentially canon, but – wow, does Jeremiah treat his ‘girlfriend’ with contempt).

Is Jeremiah in Wayne Manor? He addresses a man in a white coat, telling the dr he’s hearing good things. The doctor tells him his assistant thought he’d like to see the results.

Jeremiah is wide-eyed as he approaches two people we can only see from behind – who look, as best as memory serves, to be Bruce's parents.

Jeremiah laughs for a second, then opens his eyes wide – and tells them they look beautiful

I just love family reunions - don't you?

Jeremiah, confronted with the problem of what gift you can buy for your billionaire crush who likely has everything, has seemingly got very creative and cloned his dead parents.

General Observations

Jim is doing a classic Jim. He's been unhappy about the situation in the city for weeks – pleading for help. But now that official help of a sort has shown up - the kind Jim should want, and should back, and should identify with - he's wobbling. He balks at the idea of shooting Ed. He had no interest in arresting Oswald, let alone any qualms about letting him go, and looked downright unhappy in the interrogation room. When push comes to shove, Jim has relationships with these people - whether he’ll acknowledge it or not

To analyse it more closely in terms of Jim's psychology - the army element plays a role too. He might talk about his time there fondly - but, ultimately, he chose to leave. When Barnes - who was father figure and army past combined - showed up, Jim barely waited until the end of his first episode before disobeying him to going off to see Oswald – leaning on their special relationship and warning him about the new regime.

He repeats that pattern again here. Jim might want to represent that kind of authority - but a part of him is always looking to buck it, too. It's part of the reason, I think, that he and Oswald are more likely to squabble during Oswald's particularly tyrannical phases.

And all of that disquiet is even before we find out that Walker is likely corrupt and dreadful.

The whole thing with Ed. Eh. I know what they’re trying to do here. The problem, for me, is that it’s not really outside the bounds of possibility that Ed could knowingly have destroyed Haven. Sure – the whole affair would have been showier, and Ed would have made some kind of speech beforehand – but still. Ed - and Barbara – actually, both watched from a high window while Gotham tore itself apart under the Tetch virus. Neither of them flinched at what they saw.

It’s weird – because you don’t need to downplay Ed’s capacity for sadistic violence in order to also entertain the notion that part of him might be horrified by it. That, after all, is a crucial part of his characterisation: that he is frequently fractured, with various facets of his personality more or less dominant. In season one, we saw that certain aspects of his personality were almost completely suppressed. Later, we saw the season one version of him humiliated and berated by darker aspects of his personality, as well as horrified by what it had him do when it ‘took over’.

So – you can have your cake and eat it really – you can have a character who is capable of dreadful things, as well as the tragedy that some drowned part of him is horrified and disgusted by what he has done, and simply endures it with no ability to speak up. That would work with Ed’s extreme rage and fear at the loss of control he’s been enduring.

What doesn’t work, though, is retconning him to be a better person than he is. I’ve watched Ed torture because he enjoyed it. Kill because he felt like it. I’m not entirely sure I buy that he’d be horrified by what happened to Haven.

Miscellaneous

I have no idea whether Selina knows about Tabitha yet. She must – it makes no sense that she wouldn’t – but there was no indication of her reaction to that.

Similarly – I don’t really understand why no-one has said a word about Lee yet. I’m guessing it’s because we’re simply not ‘there’ yet in the story – but it makes no logical sense.

Alfred said a lot that was true about respecting Selina’s decision, but – ultimately- his advice to leave Selina alone simply comes off as callous.

Lucius must have had a day off today.

#gotham commentary #pena dura #gotham s5e05

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socksual-innuendos · 5 years

Note

All the OC asks that end in '2' for an oc of your choice please?

Okay so I’m doing all these for both Emilia and Camila so, here we go. Under cut because boy howdy its long

2.) What is the color (and qualities) of your OC’s eyes/hair/skin?

For Emi: Her eyes are brown. Neither very dark or very light, they’re just a midtone brown. When she was young, her hair was a very dark auburn, although now its lightening as she greys out. It has a thick texture and is naturally wavy/curly and she prefers it long and pulled back into a half ponytail. Emilia wasn’t thrilled when she was shaved bald in OWB, but she wears a fade now and her greying is more obvious. Her skin is brown, lightly freckled, and she has a few moles. Although I don’t draw her with them (Due to my indecisiveness on what and where they should be) she has tattoos covering a large portion of her body, and her skin is tough and dry from her travels.

For Camila: Her eyes are still a dark brown, although ghoulification is causing them to have a cataract/hazed look to them. She use to have very thick black hair that she would wear in short styles and while it had natural waves, it wasn’t as much as her sister’s. When her hair started falling out she had Emi chop it and would brush it over much so the rest would fall out. Camila preferred no hair to the patchiness, but she continues to wear her hair bands to fashion herself up. While travelling, she will wear headscarves to keep the sun off her. Her skin was never particularly tough and because of such she would often bruise or get cut easily. This quality carried over to her ghoulish self, although her skin is much more fragile now.

12.) What is your OC’s relationship with his/her father?

While Emilia has plenty of strong opinions on being raised fine without a father, not having needed a father, or anything relating to a need for ‘two parents’, she actually has no real feelings for her father as a person. He wasn’t around for her and he left her mother. These are the only things she knows or cares to know about him and she doesn’t blame him for either. She grew up fine with what she had, her mother, although heartbroken at the time, never truly suffered because he left. Life just happened, as it always does, and even if selfish people have their reasons for doing things. However, because she never knew him or cared to know of him, she only keeps her mother’s surname. Although her mother had planned on having a conversation about Emilia’s father once she got older, she had died when Emi was 9 and never had the chance. Xiomara, Emi’s abuela, refused to acknowledge the man and that was fine by Emilia.

Camila had known her father and for a while he was able to stay with her. There’s a lot vague here as I haven’t committed to specifics, however I know he’s forced out of the picture in some fashion. He was a good father to Camila and while he tried extending the kinship to Emilia, she wasn’t interested and he wasn’t going to force it. I would like to say that Camila was anywhere between 5-12 years old when her father left the picture, however much of this is uncertain. Cam has many fond and happy memories of him, however the uncertainty with him leaves me with ways to juggle how her adults self feels about him. She does miss him, and in certain endings she wonders if he’s still alive, but in all she keeps his name, and her full name (as of now) is Camila Espinosa Vazquez.

22.) Who is/are your OC’s closest friend(s)?

Raul is probably as close as a person can get to Emilia. They share everything with each other and both appreciate having the other. Although she really does appreciate that he’s willing to take care of Camila once she dies, part of Emilia wishes he could come adventuring with her. Much of her healing comes from being able to open up to someone else, and they both find this in a mutual aspect. The trio can often be seen together when Emilia is home, and in later life are inseparable.

Cass is another relationship Emi appreciates. Both sort of offer and fulfill roles the other wasn’t aware they wanted. For Cass, she gets an assholish, morally bankrupt questionable not quite parent figure, and for Emilia she gets a never-admits-to-it not-daughter figure that enjoys causing mischief but nags her about staying on the good side of karma.

Arcade and Emilia have a very strange relationship. I should actually get around to fleshing it out more, but between him and Camila they give Em a reason to stay and fight for Vegas. Its another odd relationship that Emi wasn’t expecting to find in the Mojave, but she’s grateful for him nonetheless.

Joshua Graham is also a very strange case for Emi. She doesn’t trust him in the least and she absolutely is determined to be the one to kill him, yet there’s a specific fondness for him. He’s one of the few she’s met that she sees as an equal in certain, dark ways which both intrigues her and makes her cautious. Both are religious and both highly value the community that comes with that, and while she never wants to consider him as close, by the end of their story she considers him a good friend. They end up teaching each other a lot, and regardless of how things end they do appreciate each other.

For Camila, most of the companions made easy friends with her. This was very welcomed after years of not being allowed anything permanent. Arcade sees her as bit of a ditz but teaches her what he can about ghoulification care, medical, and technical sciences. His grumpiness reminds her a bit of Emi, but she knows she can play him better than her sister and she often gets her way. He introduced her to Julia Farkas, and between the two Cam learns plenty.

Her and Veronica got along like peas in a pod and absolutely had girl’s nights and fawned over fashion. Although Emilia prioritizes Camila when she brings back clothes or accessories, Cam is more than willing to share and the two often doll up together. Those two made fast friends with Sarah from the Vault hotel and the three are absolute gossips. This comprises much of Cam’s social life, outside of the friends she has at The Aces.

Although they were easy friends at first, Raul became a big part of Camila’s life later game. At first, neither Cam, Raul, or Emi were aware of how he’d fit into their lives, but once Camila realized he was going to be Emi’s ‘replacement’ things got a bit rough. She wasn’t mad at him but she wasn’t thrilled about his willing participation, especially since Emilia and he agreed to things before even consulting Cam. Plenty of talking was done, and eventually understandings were reached, and the three were ride or die since. While they never considered each other as replacement siblings, they readily see each other as family.

32.) What subjects did your OC excel at?

Emilia is very athletic. Her agility is a solid 10, and she uses it to her advantage. She can lockpick just about anything and break out of (or into) most facilities. She has a quick mind, and can improvise on the spot. Basically, if you need something stolen, killed, or broken into she’s your gal. She also plays guitar very well and has a good knowledge of music theory. This often leads her to getting excited when hearing live sets, and once she riled she can’t stay still. Emi can also cook fairly well too. She generally doesnt get too experimental with it, but she can work up a must-go easily.

Camila on the other hand didn’t have very many skills growing up. She was very sickly as a child, which kept her bed ridden most of the time. Emi did teach her guitar, although she isn’t as good with music theory. She can sing very well, and Emilia and her father helped shape that. Later in life Arcade teaches her how to work computers and she gets quite good at it. She has the patience for just about anything, which really helps later on when she gets jobs in Vegas.

42.) What makes your OC happy?

Emi is very easy to please. She just wants an exciting mark and a whole lot of havoc to make in the process. In reality she’s just happy to have her freedom with little obligation outside Camila. As long as she doesn’t have a routine to wake up to, she’s alright.

Camila on the other hand has a lot to desire, although she’s content where she’s at. She’s provided for, but even then she wishes she had someone to talk to while Emilia was away. That said, when Emi came home she would sometimes bring an accessory or some fashionable item for Camila. This would always make her smile, and she treasured each. Come end game, shes actually quite happy having a few jobs and a social life. People knowing her by face and name is enough to make her light up, and she’s very pleased with being able to assert her own future.

52.) What are some of your OC’s motivations?

Emi’s very motivated by money, but she’s also motivated by chaos. As a hitman, she likes causing trouble and in dramatic ways. If there’s someone or something she can screw over in a fabulous way, she will do it. But what motivates her most is family. Camila and Rosa kept her sane and kept her loved, she’d quite literally do anything for them, and she is always one to keep promises.

Cam needs very little to get her motivated. She’s use to being holed up or too ill to enjoy the day, so if she wakes up in a good mood and right mind she’s ready to tackle anything. Chores? Turn on the radio and open the windows, house work is still something. A walk around town? She may not be able to get to know people, but she still enjoys the small interactions, besides she has the energy for a walk right now. Emilia is likely coming back tonight? Whats a few more hours of staying up.

62.) How emotionally/mentally vulnerable is your OC with other people?

Emilia’s vulnerability is nonexistent. She absolutely refuses to open up, to even her sister in some cases, and it can cause a frustrating guessing game on how to make Emi feel better. She does let down her walls, just a bit, later on in her life. Raul and Camila see the most of this, but Graham has the privilege of seeing her be vulnerable for a moment. Its not something she likes doing, but its not always within her control.

Camila on the other hand longs to have someone to talk to about feelings. Most of her life she remained cooped up in hotels, unable to make real friends due to her constant moving. Despite Emi trying (I use the word loosely) to be emotionally available for her sister, Rosa was really the only person Cam had to be truly open to, and once she was lost Cam really had nothing. Give her a night out on the Strip and a hard enough day and she might blather your ear off about feelings, even if you’re complete strangers.

72.) What is your OC’s favorite kind music (and song if there is one)?

Emilia loves just about anything upbeat. Give it percussion or brass and she’s unable to sit still. A proper rock movement would have done her in and she would have loved every moment of it. She also like swing and folk. Give her a guitar and she will join in the round, as she is especially fond of meeting other musicians on the road.

Camila also likes upbeat music, although she prefers more jazzy genres. Both generally agree on music, but Cam prefers more pop and things she can sing to.

#Anonymous #emi #emilia vazquez #camila #cam #camila espinosa vazquez

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bblauuuuu · 5 years

Text

Thoughts on the Bare Minimum

I was always cynical about people doing more than the bare minimum for their jobs - I always saw a job as a job, to earn income, separate from like my own identity. In many ways I only did the bare minimum at my previous jobs - while I try my best on things assigned to me - I rarely had any initiative to ask for more jobs or suggest improvements that I saw could be made.

This apathy made me really lethargic and useless - while no one told me to my face, I was probably a nobody in terms of working with, like a 2 star review to work with. I saw the bare minimum as my right - after all, I was not the one in charge and I wasnt being compensated (as such) right?

It also probably made me really aimless and depressed at how my life was going. 70% of adult life is working, and from a young age (like 7) I was always existential about how shit adult life was going to be. I couldnt imagine work/responsibility being rewarding.

However, today I was talking to my boss (I intern in a startup) and she was talking about how frustrated some of her friends at big companies were at this exact lethargic none of my business culture at their companies. My response was one of apathy - "duh, people are gonna to what they are assigned and nothing more, they are rational beings". And instantly, I felt bad like why is that the norm? its an extremely inefficient way to do things- a group of people looking plainly at things going wrong - and waiting for one "higher-up" who is clueless about what is going on below (in no small part due to the actual group of people trying to cover up mistakes) to point out that things need to be fixed to be changed. It doesnt make sense - and its probably the underlying reason why I have so much anxiety about managing others - I work from a fundamentally selfish point of view.

Caring is how the world goes around. It might not be written in the contract, but a heart to care speaks volumes. And extending that care outward into the world is how we lead fulfilling lives, instead of revolving indulgently in our own insecurities. Also interesting is how its a choice. You have a choice to care, and to meld your path in line with what you care about. No one is forcing you to care about everything under the sun, and I think we are at our best when feed into whatever interests us to motivate us.

I guess this epiphany might just be interesting to me - but instead of just taking pride in what I do, I need to change my mindset to I want to take pride in what my team does. And there is of course a fine line in how far u need to be invested in a company, but I want to shout out the brave noble people who contribute selflessly their ideas outside of their job scope or lift the mood during lunch or step up to initiate things that they will never be rewarded for, and prove that some work just cannot be compartmentalized and valued. Their contributions are priceless, and I strive to incorporate some of that group orientated mindset into my own work and also into my social interactions.

Also its kind of an honor thing - bare minimum feels so dry and disgusting like fulfilling an obligation in the most subpar way possible, and just leaves a bad feeling in everyones mouths. Life and work is more than just contractual!

tldr - I'm trying to get rid of the mindset that bare minimum is a right, to care like legit spend more time thinking about the extroverted world around me. Hopefully with practice I can be more initiative ^^ (its a weakness from young, but doesnt mean I cant be aware of it and work on it)

Also trying not to talk over people and actually actively try to listen and understand.

#thinking about work culture #biyong shiloh (idk if im spelling it right but basically its a korean term for the depressive comfort money splurghing of the korean youth)#melancholy of haruhi suzumiya vibes also #go out and at least try girl #reminder to myself #thinking about motivations and stuff #social interactions also #loooong post #sry about this idk how to make a keep reading thing tho

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dndfuckhouse · 6 years

Text

session 10 - old and new twisted faces

youtube

> 🎵 Darkening Developments / Kevin Macleod

Picking up right again after a harrowing scream echoes throughout the alleys of the withered bone, Psalm and Rokka look to one another to decide their next course of action.

Psalm: it's not really our problem, is what i'd like to say but i get the feeling that you want to go help them anyways Rokka: you are correct my dear roommate. lets go! Psalm: wait wait wait

Psalm advises Rokka to go wake the others to go check it out, him staying and watching over ‘greenie’ in the meantime. Rokka runs over to the room with Keva, Han, Ezra and Plum inside and kicks up a big fuss that Plum and Ezra aggressively sleep through as the others each rouse tired and groggy. Keva throws a pillow at Ezra to rouse him out of nowhere and the four make their way over to the room where Psalm is to ask him why the hell he woke them up.

Han: psalm, why can we not sleep in peace :) Psalm: why are you asking me? you think i'm responsible for this? Han: i do not consider rokka responsible yes, i do consider u responsible Psalm: seems a bit unfair, we're both on watch here..... not really appreciating the bias

He explains the flash of light and the scream he heard to he group, everyone but Rokka decide they definitely are not getting involved even if a dude is dying but will accompany him to check it out on his insistence. The four heard downstairs while Psalm keeps watch over ‘greenie’ like a hawk.

Psalm: AN OCELOT NEVER LETS HIS PREY ESCAPE Plum: psalm meow like ocelot or no balls psalm by himself with greenie: MEWOOOOOWW ghester:

The four make their way outside the bar’s sturdy front door and listen about and hear sounds of someone moving a body, Rokka tries to pinpoint it but cant tell where its coming from. Han and Keva manage to figure it out while pulling on his ears, they creep around a corner and see a cloaked figure laying on the ground, someone standing over them.

Psalm: Ghester im thinking of a number between 1 and 2 decimals are allowed Ghester: 1.6 Psalm: Oh u got me...

The three recognise the figure over the body to be that of Vorde’s bodyguard from the ball. However Keva recognises him as her old friend Orin, seemingly appearing here from out of nowhere.

Psalm: and can you believe she thinks it's my fault ghester? after all i try to do to keep these idiots alive and she thinks it's my fault i was doing my job on watch duty properly Ghester: honestly it can be a little frustrating at times but you must make with what you have Psalm: i'm not about this bonds shit big boss has me doing but who am i to disobey

Orin looks to be staring intently at something in his hand, in his other he holds a bloodied sword, Keva stands frozen stock still watching him. Han makes to leave waving it off but Rokka shouts out into the quiet a YOU THERE immediately alerting him to their presence down the alley. Han quickly moves around the other side of the building in an attempt to flank him while Rokka continues to yell at him. Keva soon broken out of her shock pulls down her facemask and calls Orin’s name out. In the meantime Plum finally wakes and makes their way over to where Psalm is on guard, asking where everyone suddenly went.

youtube

> 🎵 What We Could Have Become / Vampyr OST

Keva: “don't hurt him" i say like out of breath Ezra: ezra looks at you out of the corner of his eye as you say that keva

Keva: i take down my hood and take a step towards him "orin...?" Rokka: orin? you know them? Keva: i don't respond to rokka and tap another step towards orin

His eyes seem to scan you for a moment before he seems to relax slightly. He mumbles something under his breath before throwing up a quick mock salute with a lazy smile and turning, running off down the opposite end of the alley flicking something onto the corpse

Han in her attempt to sneak around ends up walking into a wall in the dark and licking a wet cave wall for a moment. Keva and Ezra give chase after Orin but seem to lose him quickly in the dark and twisting turns of the alleys. Han eventually finds her way back to the group where they stand about frustrated and empty handed. Plum upon hearing the commotion outside decides to head outside to check it out while Psalm continues watching.

Rokka: i follow behind keva and check up on her "what just happened--are you crying? oh my go-are you ok?" Keva: when i hear someone coming i try to force my breathing to calm and pull my hood up, @ rokka i just mumble "shut up" Rokka: < : (

Han: did all 3 of u lose him. i tried to go around and cut him off but u guys did a bang up job of that Ezra: you sure cut him off alright coming in about a minute later

Plum make their way outside to where the rest of the group is and ask about whats happened, the group then decide to go check the body that has been left in the alley in Orin’s wake. Keva is informed by the rest of the party that they saw Orin earlier during the ball and says he looked like Vorde’s servant, she seems utterly confused.

Plum: wow this is such a small fuckin town Han: you tellin me!!!! Plum: he seemed like a complete wimp when i saw him at the party, no offense Han: he did look like a wimp

The body appears to have been stabbed twice through the chest, blood staining he front of what looks to be somewhat fancy clothing. His pockets appear picked clean aside from a knife in its sheath Han pockets, the only other thing on him being the symbol Orin flipped onto his front, the group recognise it as the same one greenie had, a symbol of the Red Letterheads.

Han: ... why would the servant of a man who owns land be here Plum: ...owns land? Han: doesnt he? he said he owned a village Psalm: yknow ghester i feel like that vorde guy is definitely responsible for all that shit that happened at the ball Ghester: jumping to conclusions can make you blind to other things Han: SHUT UP GHESTER ME AND PSALM WE GOT THIS BITCH

Rokka: im just behind everyone watching them loot a dead body

Ezra inquires into how Keva knows Orin, she says she does but she didnt know he was still alive. She explains that Orin stole something back for a paladin that helped him before, but he got chased and hurt in the process. He gave the sword to her and told her to run and so she did and now she is here and so is he “i guess!”.

Han: well, congrats i guess, u didnt check the corpse well enough Rokka: so you........ran with a sword some dying dude gave you? Keva: he’s, an old friend

Plum: plums head working a mile a minute they are so confused

She explains she doesn't know what happened after she ran but swears he’d never do or hurt anyone like this for no reason. Rokka questions this but she doubles down on her statement. The group begin questioning if Vorde has some stake in this or is planning some kind of coup as they decide to head back upstairs, upstairs Psalm notices ‘greenie’ finally waking up again. Keva asks the group to try and not hurt Orin the next they see him and Han singles herself out as the only one who doesn't go ‘eh sure i guess’ but shrugs eventually. She also states she has a plan and picks up the body from the alley to take upstairs.

Han: smiles at keva with a corpse dripping all over me Ezra: renny is gonna be pissed if you track blood inside Han: ;asdflkwefd

Psalm and greenie have a impromptu staring contest while Han rips off her fancy shirt to wrap around the body and a bedroll to keep it from dripping all oer the floorboards. As they shuffle their way back upstairs Psalm hears them come and Cimmorro finally seems to hear them and wake up. He moves to check on Vinny before heading out to see what the group is up too.

Cimmorro: aight i go scout with everyone else and be like wuss poppin cimmorro shuffles through the door and sees han holding a dead guy in a bedroll and everyone standing around the small room Rokka: i point at dead body "thats poppin" Cimmorro: jesus, what did you guys do

Han attempts to interrogate greenie using the corpse by dropping it on the ground next to her which causes her to twitch slightly. She asks her if she knows a man named Vorde to confused response. While this goes on Ezra moves over and explains the current situation in Cimmorro’s ear to catch him up.

Rokka:

Cimmorro moves to say a prayer over the corpse while the rest of the group feel like they're getting nowhere with the questioning, leading to Psalm to get fed up and cast a suggestion spell on her.

you ask her what her connection is to a man named vorde, her face shifts back to that of a neutral one "i dont know anyone by this name"

Han: what is the goal of the red letterheads Greenie: kill the prideful, to kill the deceitful, to topple those in power, for him Han: and who might him be? Greenie: our leader, his grace Theyord Han: what does your grace look like? Greenie: he is holy, wise and aged, unmatched in his serenity and his anger, he wears it all upon himself for us to see Han: more physical features this time, greenie? Greenie: grey, old, standing tall

Psalm: kinda vampirish? red eyes? pointy ears Han: maybe a dilf? Rokka: hes got a nephew about ye high

Han: where might your boss be, greenie? you got a hideout? Greenie: he only shows up when he summons us for communion, i dont see him otherwise it is against the rules. I only meet where he asks me too Han: where does he ask you to meet? Greenie: across the city, all manner of places, but its rarely, he merely speaks to me at times, it is lonely Han: how does he communicate with you? Greenie: he speaks to me in my mind

Han: cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool Psalm: what's that like? ^__^?

Han: whats the talking like greenie? Greenie: its soothing, angelic, he tells me what to do Han: what were your plans after you murdered your target? any meet up spot? Greenie: we were supposed to run and then he'd tell us what do do, but i haven't heard anything, maybe because we messed up, he must be angry at us

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> 🎵 Controlled Chaos / Kevin Macleod

Partway through their questioning as he says his prayers over the corpse off to the side Cimmorro sees one of its fingers twitch slightly underneath the fabrics. As he inspects it further he feels an air of unease begin to radiate from it as the rest of the body begins to twitch slightly. He informs the group of whats happening and they all watch as the body begins moving unatelry on the floor of the room.

Cimmorro: i hate this bc i was abt to like bother the whole interrogation by making a prayer dialogue going like "can i sing for you 😏 " at the corpse but ok Han: hey now is ur partner supposed to come back from the dead? 😬 Rokka: is this............a zombie attack

The group debate on whether they should just stab it again or tie it up or what as the body continues shifting until its moved to fully standing in the room, its head shaking at a inhuman erratic pace, arms twitching. Rokka moves to bodyslam the body soon after it stands, attempting to pin it to the ground but the corpse seems to push him off slamming him against an opposite wall. Han soon moves after to grab it into some kinda chokehold as it stands on twitching legs.

Keva: oh fuck yall what of the red letterheads symbol Orin left wasn’t a calling card or smth but smth that turns people into zombies Han: PLEASE KILL ME NOW

Han: greenie WHAT is happening to your friend holy fuck Greenie: he’s returning, he's coming back, he's been chosen

Ghester: hmm....kind of unpleasant Psalm: what is? if you know what's happening i'd love some insight Ghester: the corpse, i thought that was obvious that who sees Psalm: i hate you so much Ghester: appreciate it Psalm: anytime

Han & Keva: how does someone get chosen? Greenie: its blissfull, he decides who to choose himself Keva: WAIT IF VINNY WAS STABBED WAS HE ALSO CHOSEN Han: OH goD PLEASE DONT SAY THAT Psalm: oh, hmmm. we've been keeping an eye on him though right?

As they speak Han holds the twitching body down and asks the others to tie it up, Ezra suggests sitting on it as well to keep it down which Han does. The body starts making groaning noises out of its mouth that sounds like a weird guttural gurgling. Han continues frantically questioning greenie as the group are all utterly creeped out and on edge.

Han: what are you chosen for? Greenie: for a great purpose, to stand by him and do his work Han: what does that BLOODY mean!!!!!!! Rokka: i cover my ears "make it stop make it stop make it stop make it sto"

Cimmorro moves to inspect the body as Han sits on it to discern what in the hell is going on. He figures something is binding the soul to this corpse in some unnatural way, the twitching being especially unnerving. Psalm begins asking the group if they should chop its head off to stop the sounds.

Han: was the man you stabbed at the party also chosen?? Greenie: i dont know i can only hope if i am killed i will come back, at least then i can stand with him, i dont know what it takes only that it happens, Frello....i am glad he was given this purpose

Plum: i'm really hoping we don't trap this guy in some kind of painful existence by doing that Psalm: why would you say that now i'm faltering

Han: what is this purpose?? is your lord gonna pop up and talk thru him? why was vinny stabbed at the party Greenie: i told you already, "kill the prideful, to kill the deceitful, to topple those in power, for him. Sometimes he speaks through others, he is a symbol of pride, he was chosen for that reason

Han asks what would happen if they hacked this dudes head off and greenie responds that her grace would become very angry. Han birefly asks if greenie recognises the name ‘Ullr’ but gets confusion back similar to when she asked Vorde’s name. Cimmorro moves to inspect the body closer and the unnatural rolling of the eyes and gurgling almost make the body look conscious, through the back of the shirt though he spots something. a faint orange light shining through. The group move to quickly rip off part of the shirt and see an old brand on his back of the red letterheads symbol, glowing a faint orange. As they do this head’s next almost twists a full 180 to watch them.

Psalm: heres what i think. that vorde motherfucker is reviving people and had his little servant, keva's friend, revive this guy for that purpose. Whether or not he's affiliated with greenie is unknown to her but it seems incredibly likely, and we should probably kill this guy before he becomes more of an issue

While the group debate Cimmorro notices that the corpses gurgling is beginning to form small words and actual sounds as if he were learning how to speak.

Psalm: WOW GOOD THING I HAVEN'T CUT HIS HEAD OFF

Cimmorro makes out the words “hello” “you” and “see” he moves to tell the group that the corpse seems like its trying to communicate with them, han keeps it pinned by its forehead on the floor. Cimmorro says hello back and gets the words ‘greetings” ‘thank you” and “accomplice”.

Cimmorro: oh okay, you're welcome i guess.. who's the accomplice ??: cimmy you hear a "yourselves" and a garbled sounding noise as the corpse lifts up the edges of his cheeks in a smile

Plum attempts to identify the symbol while they speak and understands that an animate dead spell is affecting it, as they do this the eyes of the corpse swivel over in their direction. Han asks if this is Theyord and gets a ‘your grace is i’ back from the body, she asks what the fuck hes planning to do and gets "much work" and a "will see" and a "take yourselves" and a "watching". After that final communication the body seems to twitch erratically and convulse in upon itself. the glow of the mark fading leaving the corpse unmoving and silent once again.

The group debate with one another on whether or not he knows if they're here or not or if they're being kept alive for some purpose or not. Cimmorro getting somewhat paranoid from the experience leaves the room to check on Vinny and Cole, seeing them fine and asleep in their beds. He waits in their room as they others continue to discuss the state of things, watching over them for the time being. The group decide the plan hasn't changed, gather information and move afterwards, find the letterheads first and if they cant find anything they decide they’ll head to Vargonia.

Psalm: who is orin anyways? friend? family? Keva: i'm quiet for a bit "what i have left of a family" Psalm: i see

The group minus Cimmorro think on what to do with greenie now and come to the decision its better if they kill her and burn her body along with the other corpses so they dont come back again somehow. They try and figure out how to off her in the most painless way possible, Plum giving Han the petals of a plant to feed her after she knocks her unconscious. Keva goes to join Cimmorro in the room watching Vinny and Cole as the rest take the two downstairs and burn them, the smell its pretty putrid.

Han: i was doing so good on my no killing streak until this job came up Psalm: yknow i'm realising kind of belatedly we could also just bring her to the authorities Han: ............

Cimmorro: this is gonna be a long day huh kev... what are they doign out there Keva: i'm like face down on the extra bed and i say, muffled "fuck if i know"

The two discuss if Vinny will be okay to which Cimmorro says he seems to be getting better but he defintely wants to keep a close eye on him.

Keva: i turn my face to the side "...can you teach me some time? to idk, help fix people i guess, since it looks like we're stuck together" Cimmorro: oh??? well, i could. since i'm also learning and looks like that will be the case huh" i shrug "you're gonna owe me though >:) Keva: i shrug "i already owe you for the time in the basement so whatever i guess" Cimmorro: i lift my brow and start doing a thinking for a while before i go "ohhhhhhhhh yeah wow you remembered that? i didn't even think about it, it's sort of just habit to me so...it's fine but i'll be keepin tabs now hakhak" Keva: i do that like kinda laugh where you just expel some air out your nose before turning back to facedown in my pillow Cimmorro: i sigh and say "you're not so bad kevster. get some rest... you're gonna need a lot lol" Han: t poses into the room

The rest of the group make their way back up to the room post burning and rouse cole from her slumber bleary eyed telling Cimmorro what they did. Han goes to shake Vinny awake to Cimmorro’s huffing over rousing his patient as he slaps her arm away. Vinny grumbles awake and upon seeing Cimmorro sits up ramrod straight in bed grabbing him with a shout.

Vinny: YOU!! Cimmorro: HELLO? SIR? Vinny: his hair is also a mess, he grabs your shoulders for a moment before moving a little closer "...I THINK..." Cimmorro: whoahhh personal space

Plum: plum is going to go have a stress ulcer in the corner of this room Cimmorro: pet rokka to feel better Plum: why must we remove rokka's humanity Rokka: he would not mind tbh pls rokka needs comfort too

The group catch him up on the events post him getting stabbed up till now along with Cole as the two get ready to head out with the rest of them. The group decide on different groups again since they no longer need a group to stay and watch ‘greenie”. A group to go above ground and sneak into Vinny’s store and another to ask around down in the cove. Vinny decides to join the above ground group listing the laundry list of things left unattended up there, Cim follows wherever Vinny is going for the time being. While they discuss this Rokka briefly asks Vinny if he recognises the Theyord to which he thinks on and says maybe.

The group split becomes -> Han / Keva / Cole / Vinny / Cimmorro to head aboveground -> Psalm / Rokka / Plum / Ezra to stay belowground

The aboveground group tell Plum they will also retrieve some of their items for them if they can. They begin discussing and managing their disguises, as they do Cole hands Vinny her hat to replace the one he lost when he was stabbed.

The group decide to meet back at this point in 24 hours. If they dont see anyone by the meeting time then escape as you are now. Ezra notes if his group wont make it he may have a way to contact them if so but not vice versa. the group also decide to use a special code with one another to make sure they dont get duped by any future clones.

Rokka: i vote for obama take the wheel Ezra: who is obama Rokka: my great great great grandfather

Psalm: A code is a good idea Ezra: im gonna have to agree with psalms suggestion on this one

Psalm: How about Q: "where were you up to the night of the ball" "A: "i was having a grand old time"

As the group break to head their separate ways Cole moves to give the downstairs team a hug before she leaves but it soon evolves into giving everyone a hug as they leave. The hugging is spread all around.

Psalm: Ill give you a hug han (: Han: glares at psalm but opens her arms Psalm: ..........it was a joke Cimmorro: shakes my head towards psalm

They group splits off for the time being after the hug parade pulls into town, they head out to attend to their tasks, mission and goal on the mind. Theories are swarming in their heads and questions left unanswered, starting their day by pushing through the darkness ahead.

---

Notes

🔮 Psalm rolled a 25 on their disguise check

🏹 Han takes the ring and disguises herself as - a half-orcish man as short as she can manage, she also obtains a 「 Poison Dagger✨」 from the 🔪Assassin

🍺 Plum asks for - their large pot of pink potion / the rest of their ingredients in their small bags

🐺 Rokka tears his shirt off when everyone began talking about clothes ( #freethenipple ) and covers himself in a cloak

🗡 Keva and 💎 Cimmorro wear their cloaks over their outfits and 💎 Cimmorro removes most of his jewellery and rolls a 14 on disguise

#recaps #181227 #YEET!

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thingsifindinthedark · 4 years

Text

musings on depersonalization, tiny inner wars, sinking into myself

Good morning.

It’s 9:22.

I woke up hours later than I intended and there are no consequences.

I think there is a reasonable, humble very human part of me that has slowly been attempting to take the reins.

This reasonable part of me lives in my body and sees things for what they are and doesn’t take other people’s actions personally. She knows she makes mistakes and isn’t perfect, but also knows she is worthy of love and inherently good.

She snoozed my alarm 10 times not because she is lazy, but because she knew I didn’t need to get up at 6:00 am today and if my body wants more sleep maybe it needs it.

She is the reason I am writing in bed (well, on my mattress on the floor with my matcha. She grounds me so I can see the very few things that really matter: Love for myself and others, wellbeing of my self and others, creativity and self expression, the desire to grow and evolve.

She is up against a lot though. Most moments involve a fight. A fight with my brain and my conditioning and the ways I have sought to control my anxiety for 20 years. When my mind drives the car:

I wake up immediately frantic. It may be 6 am but I am somehow late - I am already behind on everything (even though I am working from home at my own pace and have nothing firm except a meeting literally 6 hours from now) that doesn’t matter, I am late.

The mess around my room viscerally hurts me. It isn’t just the annoyance of visual clutter, the loss of my calming, deliberate aesthetic, it reminds me I’m a failure. Every hoodie I step over, the pieces of my bed frame, still not assembled, in boxes by the wall; they all remind me how far from perfect I am.

Lately I think a lot about how I am changing on a cellular level. I am creating new neural pathways in my brain, and reconstructing the chaotic content of my gut, where so much of our serotonin and other necessary parts of our emotional existence reside.

When I live in reality, my feet firmly planted on the earth, I see that for what it is: remarkable and difficult, and enough. Getting through each day in one piece and also finding a way to do some relevant work toward my future and my art is so enough. In fact it’s heroic to decide to change the things that you cannot live with, whatever they may be.

But nearly every second, I have to push past my wiring- the story my body has always carried around, we all have one, woven so deeply in us that we do not consciously have to think it- it just permeates - often indistinguishable from “reality.” Mine tends to go like this:

“Hurry. If you don’t do it all better and faster, something terrible will happen. Don’t leave any cracks in your day, in your sentences, in your behaviors, because you don’t know what sinister thing could seep in.”

“Hurry. And don’t show anyone your sweat - make it look easy, because that is what you are supposed to do, and that is the armor that keeps you safe. If you do it all perfectly, no one can ask you questions you might not be able to answer- questions that pick away at this veil and might get at the humanness that is too raw - too uncomfortable to share.”

“The other shoe will drop. Beat it to the punch.”

I am nearly eight years into therapy (a fact I’m proud of) and I recognize that pattern as anxiety and complex post traumatic stress. But its also just a reflection of how we live. I felt like I was better at being a person than other people at times when I particularly skilled at hiding my messy humanness.

It felt like if I wanted to be admired - I could not truly be known. Now I know the opposite is true - I admire those I truly know the most, those that do not pretend they achieved whatever they have achieved without pain and sweat, without support or privilege if it was there, or without self consciousness and many moments where they were sure they would fail. Without moments shame.

But I am frustrated that that won’t just fully sink in and sink in quickly. The temptation to pretend I have all figured out is always lurking, despite the rewards and relief I have already felt by sharing my mess.

It’s a wake up call that I worry makes me sound like a conspiracy theorist- the realization that it will always take effort not to put the armor back on because this world rewards that. And that I will put it on again sometimes and that’s ok. It will be less frequent. It will be at times and with people where maybe a little more armor is called for.

But I know there will not be an inner war in every interaction - a sticky note taped upside my brain that says “don’t hide” that I look at every 5 seconds. and another that says “you’re safe, you’re safer than you know” and another that says “stop tensing your psoas.”

It takes a slow waking up, pouring my thoughts into words or music to feel like I am actually here. Not floating somewhere above myself, my brain existing like a buzzing swarm of bees, flying in various directions.

As I wrap up this writing, I am thinking about the dream I had last night.

Several times in the past year I have dreamt that I am finding my way toward a beach by way of a twisty, jungle lined back road in a car that breaks down. One time I made it to the beach but then immediately had to leave. I think I had an audition...last night I broke down again on the way there, outside a cafe.

I met a dentist who let me borrow his car. I met up with friends at a museum that was set up to look like the set of a 70′s high school movie that doesnt exist, but was a big deal in the world of the dream.

I was wearing the leather pants that I, in reality gave away over a year ago, and I was worried that throughout the day they would hurt my stomach.

Sometimes it felt like an experience I was living, and sometimes it felt like a movie I was watching.

That feels about right, as a filmmaker learning to live in the present and depersonalize a little less.

However, books and thinkers I like who combine science and spirituality have made me value the world inside my head and inside my body more - and stop telling myself it is any less valid than what is happening in my “real” life. It may be less tangible, but it is often more meaningful and significant toward my growth and healing than the activities I do during any given day.

I have worked to tame the anxiety, and in it’s place allow for the noticing of sensations and the creative interpretation of them- the chance to make meaning there.

I feel safe here now- in the world of my writing- under a blanket, my electric massager pad rolling along against my knotty back muscles, keeping myself connected to my body via sensations other than pain.

I picture leaving this moment and having to decide how to take on my day, what to do first. The work. The mess. The decisions about food that are filled with dread. The fear about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

My body tenses in the usual places in preparation - preparation to set itself aside, stuff down the feelings that are hard because I never learned to go through them to the other side. They get stored up in my body, like data on an old hard drive.

I would love to live in slow motion. Staying with every inkling of a feeing that arises throughout the day, giving it the attention and nurturing that a loving mother would give a child, until it is ready move along - to- be expressed, shared, grow into something else, or simply dissipate into the ether. I remind myself I can do that. I can go slower. I can process both what is stored up and what I am newly facing.

The things in the near future (directing two projects, embracing my social life more, a new form of trauma therapy, new doctors appointments and the flashbacks those conjure) they don’t truly require the disassociated version of me that I think they do. In fact they are infinitely better if I am fully present.

They may require me to move quickly, but I don’t have to crank up the adrenaline and disown my body. I may have to do creative work while foggy or in pain, an experience in itself which has become traumatic and re-enforced the idea that to be valuable I must leave my body and felt sensed behind- but I will leave my body or shame it. I will lie to myself about being in pain or smile bigger than I have to.

I will say hello pain. You are here. Work is also here. You are both here. You are both real. You will both at some point, fade away again.

nayyirah waheed (quote and illustration below)

#freewriting streamofconsciousness morningpages sibo trauma disassociation depersonalization cptsd anxiety pain chronicillness

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firefliiedarch · 4 years

Text

✧ ; personality & alignment

i really do suppose that i should talk about her alignment given that i thought about certain situations that made me realise that she is a very morally grey person . there is a reason for this . most of it is how she sees herself as a person , but some of it is how she really came to be as a person - her experiences .

SOME HISTORY.

before we can talk about ammy's alignment , i think there should be an understanding on who she was / is as a person . mainly because this is a girl that has had to go through a lot in her life . but i should point out that she wasnt always a jaded girl .

i will ATTMEPT to keep this short , but i really cannot talk about her without talking about her past so its a bit hard to like not go into it . so i apologise that this is so very long .

evayne had a voice at one point . a relatively beautiful voice too . also a bit hypnotic . not so much to like put people to sleep but it definitely was something that turned heads . it was soft & smooth . but there was a sort of melancholy that MADE people feel her emotions . in a sense , she had a way with her words to make people feel in ways they couldnt . this was neither good nor bad . it just . . . was . though she never really truly purposely wanted others to feel how she felt , it was her means to express her feelings . and normally through song . so this led her to have quite the interested ‘fanbase’ of those who wanted her to perform & sing .

the problem with this is that she wasnt really having any desire to be a performer . she was an orphan and she was homeless , but she didnt seek out to performing in the streets . even as a kid , she was very shy & nervous . along with her partially frail health as a kid , she didn’t really have the means to be one . so she really avoided the public streets as best as she could . she wanted to do good . despite what had happened with her family , she just wanted to be a good person . she did eventually find sanctuary in a church ( as well as some libraries both inside & outside of the church as well ) .

while she was seemingly accepted in the church , she felt nervous being in them . a feeling she really wouldn’t understand much about until later . not only that but there was a bit of pressure to have her join the choirs since other tasks proved to be relatively difficult for her & many of the members believed she would do well singing hymns . so atop of like being nervous with the church , she also felt that pressure of responsibility to return their generosity at times . while im sure they meant well , & didn’t really want her to feel forced , she still knew even as a kid that there were things that she would disagree .

she did begin to delve a little into magic and sorcery , as she noticed that she had a knack for magic so she though she would try to practice and master it . it helped that it kind of brought her out of he nervous bubble because she really did genuinely have a skill for it . wich the church noticed but soon eventually seemed to like .... be somewhat controlling of what she could or could not do .

keep in mind that her magic was empowered by her lineage - which the church SEEMED to know about but still kept that knowledge from her . knowledge that she would find out about OUTSIDE of the church . though the church was the one that did help her find her familiar & helped her out because while she couldn’t really be in the church often anymore , they still gave her a place to stay and a small allowance .

her feelings turned out to not just be insecurities as she got older because she began to find out more of her own heritage . she then really genuinely didnt feel at all comfortable staying with the church , especially when she also began to look deeper into historical archives that werent really with the church but found outside of it ( basically forbidden texts ) .

she had also had met her ‘master’ this way as well . or rather , it was her master that had found her . yes he was a necromancer . & did he have ulterior motives with evayne ? of course . he knew who she was - rather ... what she was . & found her to be the perfect subject for what he wanted . so yea , he may or may not have messed with a few things . one of them being that he managed to convince the church through an anonymous tip that evayne was practicing dark magic & was planning the demise of the church .

this isn’t to say that she was ‘intrigued’ by dark or evil magic & wanted to fully turn to just using dark magic , but she simply just wanted a better and more just way of seeing the bigger picture - something that the church wouldn’t give to her that she believed she needed to know . because otherwise , she would not be able to understand her own heritage . which happened to have dark historic roots in them .

needless to say , some people were not relatively happy about it . partially because well . she WAS looking into the darker side of things . originally they were going to have to sentenced to death , but due to her voice being able to make others feel empathy , she managed to slip out of that . i will not go into detail , but she really did get scared about it . enough to the point where she began to have doubt about who really gave the truth and what really was good or bad . but it wasn’t enough to like .... fully convince her to go to her master just yet . he needed to do a little more pushing .

it was when he figured out a way to have evayne lose her voice that he did manage to get her broken at her lowest & reshape her . no , he wasn’t the one to take her voice away , but he was a primary reason for why she lost her voice - something she kind of knows about to an extent though doesn’t blame him for her lost voice . because in reality , he didn’t take it , somebody else did .

i know this is getting long & i am getting a wee bit tired so uh ... im gonna try to make this quick .

her master while extremely evil . did have some good in him . he did treat evayne like a daughter . albeit he mentally and emotionally abused her & broke down her soul , he was manipulative , he still managed to teach her how to use magic without her voice . he helped her relearn skills , & he did tell her about her heritage . though he kept saying phrases like ‘ you don’t want people to think you’re a monster do you ? ’ & ‘ don’t you want to get back at those who took your voice ? ’ to really get at her . she was emotionally compromised but there was also the threat that he would take her familiar away forever if she didn’t listen .

look . i am not saying her master was a good guy . he isn’t . his alignment was EVIL . obviously , but he genuinely did have a problem with anybody hurting her . ( granted was he going to kill her anyway ? yes , that was his initial plan . but he was also very fond of her & extremely interested of what she could do so he wanted her on his side ) he did give her a home . he never physically hurt her . he taught her things that she will be forever grateful for , but he doesn’t own her & it took FOREVER for her to break away from him . it really did hurt her though because she never felt more alone after doing so , but she knew she had to .

PERSONALITY.

NOTE : this is just a run down of her and who she is as a person .

so as a kid : evayne wasn’t so much bubbly . like she never was , but she was a bit more ... open to others ? she was shy & soft , yes . easily spooked but was really a good child . she really just wanted to be a good girl to anybody as well as just be helpful to those around her . weak & sick , yes , it took some time for her to like get used to it too . she was always apologising too which kind of stuck with her .

as a teenager / young adult ( times right before & while she was with her master ) : very quiet . nervous / anxious . a little paranoid . though she was still very curious . she was still open to learning new things . did get a little frustrated too quickly with things that clearly irked her . didn’t really have the best poker face though it was already beginning to get there . at this point she still genuinely valued life but she also valued truth as well . did get a little upset when things didn’t go her way or when shit hit the fan .

now : so her paranoia honestly worsened . she was absolutely broken . definitely suffers from ptsd but shes a little better ? maybe ? she’s also developed a mood disorder though it’s not extremely severe at times - though she does have moments where it is pretty bad . she does genuinely think that most people have ulterior motives so she always has that ‘what do you want’ look to her face . she still doesnt have the patience for some things but she has better patience for it . definitely a lot more careful . extremely observant . she is still extremely curious !!! she still can be very kind . actually she still is very soft & tender , especially to those she admires & adores .

other things to note : evayne is genuine & does consider before like ... acting out of her decisions . she does treat people with at least the common decency though you have to earn her respect . you approach her then its on her terms , if she approaches you , however , that is a different story . ammy is a very respectful person and doesn’t see others in what they are but rather who they are as people & what they do to her . it’s basically like this : people say you are a good person , but until you can prove to me that you are a good person , i will not give you special treatment . she considers & looks at kings & queens as though they are commoners & vice versa . not to say that she will go right to a king or a queen & treat them as such , but everybody is held to the same standard . nobody is above or below another .

& yes , she would look at a ‘monster’ and see that she sees no monster , just somebody different .

please also know that most people she will find annoying . anybody she meets , she doesn’t really like , that’s just who she is . though if she takes an interest in you , she will pay attention to you . she is absolutely a tsundere at first . but she does mean well .

just get to know her & she will go from .... tolerating your presence at best to loving you .

she’s basically ..... a cat . yep . definitely a cat .

oh also , because i think i may have forgotten to say this but uh .... nobody hates evayne as much as she hates herself . when i say her master broke her . i really mean that her master broke her . try to mind read her and you will want to get out as soo as possible cause there i almost nothing but nightmares in there . this is why she has a hard time sleeping at night . because while she treats the world and everybody around her as equal , she thinks nothing but bad about herself . oh and yes , she does have moments where she considers if maybe she should just let herself go & completely annihilate everybody . she has reasons to .

so the next time she says , it’s okay .... know that it PROBABLY isn’t okay .

ALIGNMENT.

she doesn’t look at the world in black or white / black & white . everything for her is grey . sure , there are extremes of good & evil , but good is not always right & evil is not always wrong . yes , she can see that there are wrongs in the world . she , herself , has been wronged . but she does not blame anybody for it . it is what it is for her . there is no use in crying about it . it will never get her anywhere . she knows this . naturally she would probably be a true neutral in most cases but with a slightly lawful alignment . though there are some instances where she would lean either lawful or evil depending on the situation ? maybe ? given her history & background , she really normally just looks out for herself , though she does kind of seem to be a bit of a cherisher of life - but will kill if necessary . there are some , however , that she would not be able to kill which causes her to have a rift in her own morality .

in all honesty , she just wants to be left alone with her books . but there does come times where she would do anything for those she cares about . like i said , she has a fondness for life . & maybe call her what you want but she does tend to have a desire to want friends & keep them close . she would do anything for them to a certain extent .

#❀ ; ( ˢᵗᵘᵖᶤᵈ ˢᵉᵉᵐˢ ᵗᵒ ᵇᵉ ᶤᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵃᶤʳ ♦ hc. ) 𝐞𝐯𝐚𝐲𝐧𝐞 ✧#long post /#// hi i spent like 3 hours on this hhhhh im going to BED now

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michaelreaderreblog · 7 years

Text

Wouldnt it be nice

AN: Requested - If it is alright to request it I was hoping for on where Michael is ruling heaven and the reader (his soulmate and an angel) is protected like crazy. One day she finds out she is pregnant. @robinlover11620 I hope I wrote it to your expectations and sorry for the long fic, I got carried away. I hope you like it and sorry for the long wait.

I hope everyone else will enjoy this and happy reading :D

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Word Count: 2,272

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“Wouldn't it be nice if we were older

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong”

You sing out the lyrics to a popular song by The Beach Boys, released in 1966. You were always so fascinated by earth’s pop culture and always loved certain things about it. You have made frequent visits but were always cut short.

Michael always made sure he had angels watching your every move, he always said he didnt want demons attacking you while roaming earth and enjoying the moments you have had. But you thought he didnt want you spending so much time roaming because he was afraid you would leave him and heaven to stay on earth.

Ever since the both of you found out the both of you are true mates is when you couldnt find in yourself to leave him. You couldnt choose to stay on earth knowing your true mate is bound to heaven and you didnt want to be alone. You didnt want Michael to feel alone either, so you stayed in heaven with him. Where he rules all of heaven.

“Why is it every time I enter our realm, you are more beautiful then Virgil’s weapons chambers” Michael says as he enters the heaven you both share.

“I think Virgil would disagree” you reply as you turn to your mate and smile

“What is my beautiful mate doing?” he asks as he wraps his arms around you.

“Oh just listening to a few songs that I really love” you reply as you adoringly look into his eyes

“The Beach Boys, the most popular rock band. One of my favourites” he replies with a smile

The both of you dance to the music you both love and spend the rest of your time together in the most intimate and loving way.

If only the time spent together last a while longer.

As time went on, Michael became more busy with Heaven and all of its Angels. Most of the time you never got the chance to see him off or see him all together. You leave your heaven and search for Michael.

“Y/n where are you going?” Ion asks as he sees you walk past him

“Im looking for Michael” you reply quickly and continue walking

“He is busy with the weapons keeper, Balthazar has taken all the weapons again” Ion says as he walks beside you.

“Balthazar never learns, does he want to be locked out of heaven again” you say while getting closer to the weapons chambers

“I dont think he would mind that at all but its Balthazar. He does as he pleases” Ion says as he opens the doors to the weapons chambers

You see Michael scolding Balthazar while he rolls his eyes towards his older brother.

“Oh isnt it the lovely y/n. Can you please tame your mate?” Balthazar asks as he sees you enter the chambers

“Balthazar, as much as I love you. Why must you rebel against your brother? Not only him but also me?” you ask while trying to tame the tension thats inside the room

“I wasnt”

“Right, you must remember Michael is the ruler of Heaven and I as his mate also have a say in what happens here in Heaven” you cut him off and try to have authority as well

Michael smiles as he sees his mate take control of the situation.

“Yes darling. Michael, I hope you will accept my sincere apology and my lady” he says while sounding sincere.

“Balthazar, I love you. You are my brother and I dont like the antics you play. What if something happens to Heaven and we have no weapons to fight off the abominations and the hounds and creatures they create. That would be the end of Heaven and Angels alike. Do you want that to happen?” Michael asks as he sounds frustrated with his younger brother.

“That would be the last thing I want. I love my home. I love you and the rest of my kin I would never put Heaven in harms way” he replies as he looks to his brother.

“I dont want to cast you out of Heaven again. Not this time. It pains me to cast anyone out. I vowed I would never do that again” Michael says as he remembers the day he cast out his beloved brother out of Heaven.

That was prophecy though, it was Fathers word and as a devout son. He obeyed and that hurt him the most.

Balthazar sees the pain in Michael while remembering that hurtful day as well. He remembered it like it was yesterday, the pain still fresh and today still hurts. Didnt matter if he is the devil, he is still their brother. He is still loved no matter what.

After the Balthazar incident is when you still didnt see Michael for a long period of time. You were beginning to feel lonely until he felt your loneliness from the bond the both of you share.

“Y/n, I’ve been sent by Michael to keep you company” Hannah says as she appears before you.

“Oh, I had hoped Michael would be with me. You’re company would be greatly appreciated” you reply while trying to sound sincere as possible.

This was another way for Michael to keep you in Heaven.

“There is something different about you” she says while coming closer to you.

You couldnt figure out what was so different since you couldnt feel any different. Other then loneliness settling in.

“I dont feel any different” you reply while trying to feel for the difference but you couldnt feel anything

“Im beginning to see a difference. Im seeing a different radiance of colours coming from you, not your usual colours and from Michael. But different” she says as she couldnt take her eyes off of you.

The more she keeps her gaze on you, the more she got more acquainted in your presence and whatever is going on with you. You walk away from her and make youself busy with other things that needed to be done around Heaven.

Hannah goes to research a few things, she thought she has read about what she has witnessed with you but she couldnt remember exactly. So she begins her search through the many lores, scriptres, and so forth.

“Y/n, you look radient” an angel says as she passes by

You wanted to reply to the compliment but she disappeared so fast and didnt give you the time to say something.

You see Balthazar having a conversation with one of the angels, as he sees you approaching is when he started to look at you differently.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” you ask as you stop in front of him

“There is something different about you. You have a radiance of different colours” he says while examining you.

You are beginning to get uncomfortable with the expressions he is giving you.

“Balthazar, the colours you are seeing is from me and Michael’s grace” you say while walking away from him.

“Yes but thats not what I mean” he says while circling around you.

“What are you insinuating?” you ask getting impatient with his short answers

“Darling, your radiance is showing me a new life is forming inside you and its beautiful really” he finally tells you the explanation while you gasp in shock.

Hannah finally finds the thing she is looking and she was right the whole time she set eyes on you. She rushes out to find you and tell you the good news. Or even Michael. No, she wont tell Michael because this is something that you would want to tell him.

“You mean?” you ask while trying to form other words but nothing else comes to mind

“Yes, you are with child and I cant put my finger on it because your child is beautiful. Who knew Mikey would make such beautiful children” he says while being smug about it

“Y/n!!” Hannah raises her voice as she has you in her sights and she sees you talking to Balthazar.

“I now know why you have such incredibly radiance” Hannah says while stopping next you.

“She is pregnant, yes we now know” Balthazar says while looking to Hannah

“How do you know?” Hannah asks looking to him

“Well unlike you, I remember my studies” he says while smirking

You walk away from them and just want to be alone for a while to wrap things around your head and just swallow all the information that has been given to you.

“Ion, will tell Michael I need to speak with him immediately. I have news for him and he needs to hear this” You tell him and he rushes off right away

You smile to yourself and coldnt believe you are with child and with the angel you love dearly. You get more happier as the news sinks in more.

“Michael, Im sorry to disturb you. Y/n needs to see you, its urgent” Ion tells him

“Im busy right now, tell her I will try to be there as soon as I am done” Michael says without even looking to Ion

He walks back but he doesnt rush like he was while getting to Michael. He knew the great news but he didnt want to be the one to tell Michael either.

“Im sorry, he says he will try to come as soon as he is done” Ion looks to you and he didnt like the long look on your face

“He has been saying that for a while now” is all you say and walk away from him

You walked throughout your heaven, looking back on the memories you had before forming your bond with Michael. You had very fun memories and as you formed your bond with Michael. Remembering all the fun adventures the both of you had and missing those moments.

You felt like you were being watched and you knew no one is with you.

“Michael, you need to be with your mate” Raphael says while getting news from another angel about your pregnancy

“She understands, I need to be here” is all he says

“Michael, you can go. I can take over” he says while nudging him away

“Are you sure?’ Michael asks making sure he is ok with him leaving

“Yes, go and be with your mate” he says and continues on what he and Michael were doing.

As he has you on his sights, going through the memories and he smiles to himself but fades. As he comes closer to you is when he noticing something different about you. Finally

“You are with child” he says while

You turn around and see your mate standing behind you. You nod as you smile towards him and rush into his arms, wings wrapped around the both of you.

“Is this why you have been trying to summoning me?” he asks feeling bad about making you wait.

“I didnt know until Balthazar said something but why I have been trying to summon you is because I missed you and was beginning to feel lonely” you tell him while making your voice smaller

“I am so sorry, please forgive me” Michael says as your foreheads touch.

“I know you have responsibilities here in Heaven but you also have responsibilities with your mate. Me” you tell him while pulling away from him

“I am so sorry” he says once more

He knew he was wrong on his part and didnt know what else to say. He let the responsibilities get the best of him.

“Were you going to leave me?” he asks in a hushed tone

“I thought about it and I knew that you wouldnt notice” you honestly answer his question

“Why didnt you?” he asks out of curiosity

“Because I love you too much to leave” you answer while lowering your head

He lifts your head to get a better look at you.

“Im happy you didnt” he says as he closes the gap between you.

He way your lips molded together is something that you needed and felt as though the missing piece is finally put together.

“I cant believe I am going to be a father” he says as he smiles wide and can feel his joy through the bond the both of you share.

“Are you going to stay?” he asks in hopes you answer with the answer he wants to hear

“Yes, I am going to stay” you answer while hugging him tightly

“If Im going to stay, can you call off the guards?” You ask in hopes he will

“No, I will not. I need to make sure you are safe at all times. Even when we make our way to earth, they will be with us” he says with a smile on his face

“Really?” you as in pure excitement

“Yes, I saw how much you missed it and I want to do this for you” he says while leading you away from Ion.

You and Michael spend all the days together. In heave and on Earth. He kept his promise about making an appearance on earth and roaming through your favourite cities. You wanted to explore before the baby came along. To everyone else you and Michael looked like the happy married couple expecting your first child together, which in this case. You both are. In Heaven, Michael is the ruler and happily bonded with his true mate and happily excited for their fledgling to be born.

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