#its such a specific feeling i cant comprehend

[toasterfroggy]

does anyone have any movie recommendations where the villain's motive is their love for the hero? like absolute evil love? that's my favorite kind of villain but I have no idea where to find a movie with that kind of plot

[spaciebabie]

I saw Springtrap submitted to a mosterfucker confessions blog and I immediately thought of you, even though I know it's not likely it was you who sent it dsafd The ask in question mentioned how there was a thrill to the one on one cat and mouse game he played in fnaf 3

true. true. although im less of an enjoyer of that since i dont find him that scary (some art does a really good job! but even in those instances my reaction is quite...uhhh carnal XD). also . he would be nicies 2 me :3

[lycanthian]

there is nothing more inhumanly frustrating to me than when someone tries to correct you on something and by all accounts theyre right except that in doing so they have wrongly assumed what you are trying to do

[oloreaa]

Weirdest feeling ever

[todayisafridaynight]

extra thoughts but sawashiro hurts my heart so like. yeah we know his character is like sad and tragic but like. REALLY think about it and like let it set in i swear he makes me want to rip my hair out he was just a boy... wish him happiness w like. a Labrador or smthn i dont know dog breeds

i can't really. call sawashiro 100% innocent; the abuse he went through during his adolescence is definitely sad and undoubtedly contributes to his behavior now, but uhhh he still put a newborn baby in a locker LMAO?

sawashiro's agony is purely a product of his own actions. at the very least he's trying to rectify the damage he did, and that's definitely better than him not having any remorse at all

[greyeyedmonster-18]

(decided today that one of my favorite things about ten reasons is the absence of time in it.

like theres the understanding its a Modern AU given that they text and there is one football reference in there to a more current player but that is...the extent of it.

theres almost no contemporary references in the fic that give the reader an idea of what year it even is, or time period. 2000s? late 90s? 2010s? 2020's? WHO KNOWS!

and i think thats very taylor swift/1989 of me.)

[creatingblackcharacters]

i know that lesson 3 touches on this a little with chocolate and coffee, but i have seen some Black people raise issue with any food-related descriptor used for skintone. while intuitively this makes sense, i was wondering if you could provide some context for it?

i love your work and have been here since lesson 1! thank you for this amazing resource!

Well, what do you mean by "intuitively it makes sense"?

I am one who's on the fence about it. I don't hate food words as descriptions, so much as I hate that people will lean on those two specifically as the only two things they can think Black people look like. It lets me know y'all don't actually look at us, content to toss us into two general colors because "oh well the readers will know they're Black". It's lazy, and we can tell when you're doing it- especially when there's canon imagery of said Black character. My point is, I don't think there's "one major answer" about this; different people may dislike it for different reasons.

One thing I have seen as a reason to why food descriptions are distasteful (that was not on purpose lmao) that I personally like is that it... It feels like we're being consumed. It feels like the only way we can be described for people to go "oh, I see, how lovely!" is as something that can be bought, purchased for consumption. Like the only way you can find me lovely is if there's some sort of consumer value, that if my brown can't be compared to something immediately enjoyable to you (and again- to be eaten) that you cant comprehend its beauty or worth.

People generally think that brown things are ugly and boring (which is already a fight), but the two things that they might find that aren't are the two things that they enjoy eating 😅 and again: I don't mind coffee, nutmeg, cinnamon, and those (i do think chocolate is played out). But... There are other browns. We can get creative. I don't think loose leaf white printer paper is an attractive look, but we've found endless ways to describe pale whiteness. 🤣

[crushedsweets]

It’s that time of year so I gotta ask;

What Christmas gifts do you see the Creeps getting for each other if they did or were capable of celebrating Christmas?

BEAUTIFUL ASK BEAUTIFUL ASK OK IM EXCITED. merry christmas guys :)

btw: the proxies, natalie, nina, and jack are often in contact

liu, jeff, ben, jane, sally, lulu, and ann do their own thing with their own families (or theyre undead and cant comprehend time passing.. or have nobody...etc)

GIFTS:

brian would try to get something small for a lot of the creeps (the proxies, natalie, jack, nina). candy, candles, lighters, watches, pocket knives, etc

tim might give cards but like... he'd only get brian and maybe toby a real gift, again something like cologne or whatever 'manly' shit LOL. gloves etc

toby would try to get something bigger for his friends. he's petty so he'd get tim something like socks. but he'd steal makeup for nina, a bike he would fix up and paint for natalie, CDs and tapes and stuff for jack, hoodies and hats for Kate. he'd buy brian a gag shirt every goddamn year. something with a stupid quote or ugly photo. every. year. brian eats it up everytime. also gets ben gag gifts, but really cheap ones cuz he..doesnt really use anything... but he likes to laugh

kate doesn't get anyone anything, but she like. cries really easily when she receives something. not like bawling 'OMG THANK U' but like she sniffles and has to walk away (if they don't hug her first) and then come back to say thanks. toby thinks its hilarious so he'd never leave her out even if she doesn't get him something

jack would have to ask nina and natalie if he could use their address to order gifts from amazon with his dark web money..... natalie is a safer bet, but he doesnt trust her not to open her and toby's gift, so he sends that to nina, then ninas gift to natalie, and its kind of a pain in the ass. but he's hella awkward and just outright is like 'can you guys just tell me what you want' so he'll get them exactly what they ask for. even if its kind of expensive. he makes plenty of money ...

natalie only buys stuff for toby, nina, and jack. but she'll get cards for jeff, ben, and kate. she spends a lot of time in thrift stores to get toby and nina stuff specifically for their style and size, and would even learn to do basic tailoring (like hemming) for it. she'd also paint something for/with nina, but she'd feel awkward doing it for toby. she'd get jack candles and pillows and like.. stuff to make his cabin feel/smell nice. since he can't really see it. ALSO AUDIO BOOKS FOR HIM.

nina goes all out. she's broke as fuck during november/december cuz of it. she's buying expensive jewelry, perfume/cologne, hoodies, shoes, consoles. she was fucking SPOILED growing up by her dad, and loves giving it back. one year she'd be dramatic as fuck and buy a whole ass console for kate and toby at the cabin. then realize toby and kate now wont text her back cuz theyre fucking gaming. LMFAOOOO . she'd make a ton of kandi and paint shirts and write letters and stuff.

liu would buy nina something nice, flowers and earrings and hair products and stuff. he'd mail jane+mary a card and chocolates, visit his parents graves and go see some cousins/aunts/grandparents for the holidays. he'd be out of state for the holidays, every time. he can't stand to spend the holidays alone

jane goes all out with her family too. she spends christmas eve with her family(and brings mary), aka her grandparents and aunts/uncles. she spends christmas day with mary's family. she would send liu a card back out of respect. she'd also spoil sally. sally is completely content spending christmas alone while jane goes to mary's family, but jane sets up netflix and toys and dresses and stuff for her.

sally lives with jane/mary fulltime, but she refuses to go anywhere other than the forest and jane's house. she'll draw cards for jane and mary every year and help them decorate. jane is grateful for sally, since she doesn't know if she'd have it in her to decorate without a child's joy motivating her

jeff doesnt do shit. he gets kinda depressed and hangs out with ben. might snag a card and some chocolates for natalie, MAYBE. if he's still "with" nina, he'll steal random stuff for her but not take into account her actual tastes. but him and ben just sit around and game while jeff smokes and eats hella . LOL

ann, lulu, sadie, and dina don't celebrate at all. again, they're stuck in timeloops or constant hazes, or have legitimately no interest in the holiday

extra random stuff:

nina forces kate, toby, and natalie into ice skating every year. photo booths, driving to see christmas lights.

toby tries forcing everyone to go over to jack's cabin ..cuz he doesn't wanna invite them to his LMFAOOOO. he says it's nina and brian's idea, but he's the one who sets the date and texts invites. him, jack, and natalie put together some dinner and everyone just kinda hangs out and eats.

nina decorates the fuck out of her apartment and goes to toby's cabin to put up some stuff. she hangs mistle toe and literally nobody listens to the 'rule' but she's always like "omg...kateeee...you and i just so happen to be under the mistle toe... >.<... what now..?" LMFAOOO

anyway merry christmas and happy holidays guys :) have a good day luv u

[vriskabot]

do you have any davris headcanons?

i saw this ask the instant it came in and i could not believe my EYES. trust when i tell you ive been typing FURIOUSLY in the meantime okay. okay headcanons. -dave has always been a little genderweird and vriska putting makeup on him when she was bored one night unlocked his third eye and now he cant stop putting red shit all over his eyelids -vriska has also always been genderweird and you can see where im going with this. -she steals his clothes ALL the time -he pretends to hate it when she gets her disgusting $5 perfume stink all over said clothes but you know he loves that shit (and she knows it too) -flaming bisexuals -once theyve been together for a while they are THE most "i am going to have the longest silent conversation with someone across the room you have ever seen in your life" -they both think they can read each other like a book but in truth its only about 60-70% accurate -the inaccuracies are always funny as fuck though and 9 times out of 10 its some entirely off the wall MADNESS due to their upbringings they think is entirely normal. the conversations that directly follow these revelations are legendary amongst the extended crew and every single one thats happened in a public memo has been screenshotted by basically everyone they know -speaking of which. i dont think they dm for basically anything ever. they either have conversations right in the GC (sometimes in the middle of other conversations, which karkat fucking HATES, especially when they flirt with each other) or they speak in person/over the phone. no in between -they flirt with each other all the time and its disgusting but its incomprehensible to literally everyone else. vriska tells dave she found some gnarly roadkill and sends coordinates and dave is like "babe stop not in front of everybody" -she used to send pictures too but that got shut down real quick and now thats really all she dms him for -i dont think vriska likes it for the same reasons dave does but he did absolutely get her into the weird and wacky world of vulture culture. dave likes the wet specimens the most but vriskas a fan of bones and taxidermy -speaking of which. this is more vriska/troll-centric but i love the idea of vriska being able to eat bones. dave gets the same schoolboy "oh my god this is so cool" kick out of it every single time -im well aware that music is a time thing but i genuinely cannot comprehend a world wherein vriska is not a music girlie. this definitely did a lot of the heavy lifting in The Early Days because when youre emotionally constipated sometimes you gotta let a song do the talking FOR you -vriska 100% introduced dave to crunkcore and he got way more into it than she ever did. he listens to 3oh3 religiously -dave samples vriska on his tracks all the time because she CANNOT shut the fuck up. he also likes taking pictures of her but even after years together he still kinda keeps those to himself and gets flustered when she finds one -man i just really love the idea of them being fucking obsessed with each other. they rag on each other ALL the time because thats just how they feel the most comfortable being affectionate but at the end of the day they snuggle up all soft and quiet and just enjoy being with somebody who understands how hard it can be to even allow that to happen in the first place -they ARE super casually affectionate with each other though, even in group settings. i dont think theyd like grand pda like kissing or saying 'i love you' in public but personal space just doesnt really exist for them. they hang off each other and sling legs over laps all willy nilly -they also stim on each other. dave likes to play with her hair while hes talking and vriska likes to play with his hands/fingers when shes bored this post is so LONG i could keep going for days. please always ask me about davris, especially if youve got more specific questions!!!

[sukunasboytoy]

ok ok well be the change u wanna see in the world right

anyways

i got too many Big Thoughts abt romulus n waiting around hoping for someone else to share similar thoughts is Not Working so here we go ! yapping abt romulus

specifically this post will be abt andys line that goes smth like “u wont see me as a child anymore”

n theres like soooo many ways that can be interpreted

like neurodivergent/mentally disabled ppl being infantilized is the easy read of that line. he doesnt want be seen as a burden n bc his directive is to take care of rain he has a sense of shame when she gotta step in n save him.

n there could be a interesting convo to be had there abt masculinity there too (like the shame of being a man needing to rely on a woman n smth smth the fact that this franchise is still decades later revolutionary for consistently having strong women as the mc so its interesting seeing that subverted where a man is essentially in the role of the damsel n his safety n protection is reliant on a women - but then theres also the fact that they subverted w race n what can easily be read as neurodivergence n but thats a different rabbit hole-)

but also !!

but also

the history of poc - esp the “safe” poc - ie the ones who r in the role of the supporter for the white persona/chara - r so often desexualized for the comfort of the white persona/chara(audience)

n i think thats one way to read andys line

u wont see me as a child anymore

meaning

u will see me as a man

n everything that “man” comes w for andy (source of protection safety n comfort, him being able to fully fulfill his directive by doing whats best for rain all the time not just some of time, n possibly even hinting at romantic/sexual feelings for rain- bc she just sees him as a synth (/desexualized black man/desexualized neurodivergent person)

rain (n a lot of fandom, interestingly enough) cant even comprehend andy as anything more then a “safe” desexualized buddy/sibling (even tho rains treatment of buddy- at least up until the end when she changes her mind -shows she doesnt even rlly view him as a buddy/sibling, but a thing)

at the end of the movie rain is forced to accept that andy isnt just some thing that hes fully complex n has feelings - those feelings ofc include a sense of belonging and betray, some form of love n hurt, but- at least in fan works -i think it could also be interpreted as romantic/sexual feelings to (hes a MAN not a child/synth)

[eyerealm]

What's your process with picking colors for an art piece? :0 your color choice is super unique

Thank you for the compliment and question

That definitely is a hard question, because a lot of things in my art is purely intuitive

I think i tend to try to make things look like theyre "glowing"

(I think i picked this up from splatoon)..

I generally pair duller or darker colors with very bright saturated ones for this sort of effect. I also enjoy things being very rainbowy, and i just pick whichever colors my brain wants me to (I think it works faster than i can comprehend). I know a  lot of things in my art dont make sense, but i want them to not make sense, at least in my more abstract art

But if i were to analyse it, ill try to explain..

Heres my most recent piece...

I was struggling with picking the colors a bit in the earlier stages of this drawing...

I thought of two options, both had some tone curve + effect on the layer with it that i then erased to leave the parts that would be lit up

The layers with her clothes details was higher than the tone curve layer so they stayed clear and bright. I was leaning to the second option but it felt too dull and green for my liking..

I merged most layers and just went with it, adding more sarurated colors

I usually do this, i dont want to keep too many layers seperate because it gets too complicated and it feels like i cant completely express myself. Merging it all/most of it makes it feel more free and i reccomend doing this at least sometimes..

Here you can see a little close up of her face with some explanation... I  i dont really know if this is helpful but still

Heres a little explanation for why i picked the colors for celestia like this

I also often want to show characters in an unusual way color wise. It makes drawing them more interesting. The colors a character is typically associated with doesnt define them, they can be any colors, duller or brighter, different hues etc. Thats what i often think of when i draw, and its fun to play around with. splatoon is a very good thing to draw for me because of this, since they constantly change their ink color..

I do play around with filters and tone curves and stuff a lot sometimes. Selecting specific things in a drawing and only applying filters to them, or to the whole picture, or using blending modes on brushes. It all helps me with getting to the final picture

But it almost always gets merged with the rest of the layers and the picture continues to develop with it all in one

I wish i knew how to properly put it all into words but i myself sometimes dont understand my process, i mostly do things because it just feels right, and everything is subjective, how do i explain what feels right to me, right.. i dont even know if any of this made sense. But well, art doesnt have to make sense

[thirdmagic]

every time i presented a gnc character design in my four years of this degree my teachers practically forced me to change it and just refused to accept that my character is the gender i say they are. which to be clear wasn't often but it was enough times that i just kinda stopped trying because i got tired of arguing with my teachers about it. but for my current graduate film, my main character is a butch lesbian, and every single person i showed her to was convinced she's a dude at first glance and kept using male pronouns for her, some even knowing she's a butch woman, because they know what kind of movie i'm making, and some of my teachers just cannot seem to comprehend the concept of butch women who also pass as dudes, or even just gender fluidity even after i made a whole film about it and my own gender stuff last year, and this whole thing is really driving me crazy and is enough to make me doubt myself and wonder if i'm the one who's wrong and everyone else around me is right. but then i remember cookie run kingdom, and its insane gnc energy, and how i was completely wrong about both affogato and caramel arrow and prune juice and how DELIGHTED i was to be wrong and how the big GNC energy of the character designs makes me so happy each time and it doesn't make me mad or drive me to purposefully misgender the characters because i cant accept it, nor does it make me feel like i'm being ""lied to""" or """cheated""" the way one specific teacher claimed my audience will react to my main character. so maybe the problem isn't necessarily me, actually, and the girlies who get it, get it, and those who don't, don't.

[tenaciouschronicler]

April 25 2024 2009

Yesterday's updates were something.

First a new sound page! this one without a title/prompt. Its also our official title page.

I really went down a rabbit hole on this page specifically so more thoughts and breakdown for the update are below the cut.

The whole sequence is very smooth in its panning zoom to the sky and the following narration is just ... odd. It makes me inclined to say this is another character rather than Hussie just writing. Someone omniscient almost, speaking to us the reader but also to John even if he can't hear it.

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox.

Its curious that theres no other sounds in the audio. Just winds and chimes. It should be a Monday based on the calendar from John's room which makes it Easter Monday. We dont know where John lives, but his school must make it a holiday since hes at home being stuffed with cake and so is his Dad, said baker. You would think there would be other dads doing yard work or some kids playing outside but there's no indication of either.

A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

Familiar to whom? And in what way?

Google says Desolation is "a state of complete emptiness or destruction". So is the wind equal to Desolation? I feel like we dont actually hear the note per say. Our narrator only likens the sound to something we could probably comprehend. In reality, the wind over the void space is Desolations note.

It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life.

A nice callback to the first page of the comic but also more references to lacking and emptiness. Although a funny gag, the first page also says John is only getting his nane Today. Logically we know that's false. TT uses his name in their convo on persterchum. So what does that mean? Has he only been alive but not actually living?

The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket.

Has Desolation been keeping John from living? Why?? What would it gain from that?

His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

Googling Absence gives us "the state of being away from a place or person". So his riddle is a state of being away from others... I feel like the following statement gives more but I cant discern what.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.

We get another quote that is certainly not Walt Whitmans. I'm curious if the mis-attributions are John legit not knowing, which would be strange knowing the quote but not the speaker, or the narrator fucking with John. I like to believe the latter.

Our actual guy is François de La Rochefoucauld, a French moralist with two works published of which this quote is from Maximes. I kinda want to make posts of each wrong quote and author after reading more about what the book is about. For now I think this is good enough.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

The last actual time we saw was 4:26 pm. If we wanna take a guess saying we 'started' at 4:00 pm and guessing based of the times we have been shown, its been no more than 45 min. So yeah, I think its gonna be long indeed.

Two pages later we once again 180 back.

With the previous stuff Im now suspicious of these shift changes. (I could also juat be reading way too into it but *shrug*)

We continue to search for the elusive SBURB and find a package in Dads car. Gandering into the kitchen FULL of steam (is your Dad/the oven ok?) we spot another package and potentially the game?! There's no avoiding your Dad John. Get in the kitchen John.

[ibunyang]

some more yapping from me my bad !!!!!!!!!!!!

more info on my dolly mc insert that i might just turn into an actual oc if im gonna keep yapping about her anyways... sorry im kinda noodled brained rn im trying to stay up since my classes are at 7 am anyways and its already almost 4 am and i slept half the day yesterday(today MAN idk.)

i feel like her family immigrated to the US (hawaii i think? so maybe her childhood was there until they were somehow forced to move mainland) when travel was allowed, to do that thing that most filipino people do when going overseas to work ( to provide a better life for their family back in the homeland) so she's either likely third gen or second gen? basta. ingana rawr a lot of young single men went to the US historically, so im unsure if she was born in the US from marriage with an unnamed american or if shes from fully filipino parents ill think about it more in the morning after i fully comprehend this research paper im reading about it.. unfortunately i cant find much information right now about the history of asian people and flapper culture, apart from the icon and legend anna may wong, so im just going to go about this as carefully as i can (and maybe try to put more effort into digging up more sources GRRRRRRRRR) basic information..... name: chesa dorothy (DOLLY get it im so smart akshoeally.) aquino she goes by dorothy most of the time since its the more american sounding name... thinking emoji also alastor and dorothy sound so cute.... im going NUTS age: im thinking 25-27 ??? im not sure how old al is here honestly height: rawr 5'3" filipino gene debuff idc SEA lady core.

another note: little details on her rn that i like is that im so happy i actually get to incorporate flowers into her hair since it was popular to do that at this time period with ribbon flowers, but i wanted it specifically to look like sampaguitas which i are an homage to her parents home country even if shes never seen it and of course her love for pearls WAHHHHHUHUDDDDDDDD AHHHHHHHHH murag pearl of the orient moment :9 im so tempted to have her be called mutya (pearl) as a nickname since i think her pader wouldve love calling her that huhuhuhuhuhu (dead parent/s assignation that led to her flapper lifestyle ?? eyes)

idk im gonna rot about it more in literal jazz class later, i cant wait to go back home so i can actually draw on my screentab UGH my pen tab in the dorm just doesnt cut it sometimes the pen pressure is all over the place but i want to draw WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH (dies)

[confessions-official]

TW for obsession, stalking, abuse mention, murder/assault mention

im stalking my past stalker.

(summarized retelling) a couple years back, i had a friend who would stalk me and was obsessed with me. he was abusive, manipulative, unpredictable, and would constantly threaten my friends and i. he brought knives to school on two separate occasions and tried to kill my at-the-time girlfriend. due to nearly identical class schedules, i felt incredibly unsafe and walked on eggshells on a daily basis. he was very easy to provoke. i have diagnosed PTSD from everything that happened with him. after everything, he enrolled in online school and i have not seen him in person in 2 years.

recently, it came to my attention that he will be coming back to school in person full time. this knowledge has caused me to heavily spiral, with nightmares about him practically every other night. he consumes my every waking thought. the only thing that has been able to ease my nerves and make me feel in control of the situation is stalking him. every day, several times a day, i check his social media accounts just in case he updates them. he is very active on pinterest, so i check every time he updates his boards or posts a new pin. the other day, he posted a picture of himself in a classroom. i knew it was at my school.

i think this is where i went too far. online stalking is relatively harmless, but i took it a step up. during my lunch period, i walked through every single hallway and opened every single classroom door of my entire school to find the room that the picture was taken it. i thought that i found it, but the teacher in the room began questioning me, so i was unable to investigate further. i decided it wasnt enough for me. i snuck into the guidance office and went on a guidance counselors computer. i looked up his last name and found all of his scheduling information. i wrote the schedule messily on a sticky note, before booking it out of the guidance office. now, i know where he is at every time of every day. it makes me feel safe knowing i can reliably avoid him now.

ive realized that im doing the exact same thing to him as he was doing to me. im stalking him, and to a much greater extent than he ever stalked me. im obsessed with him. he is the only thing ever on my mind. i am in a constant triggered state with all this information i work so hard to dig up. does this put me at the same level as him? on one hand, obsession is obsession. on the other, he was obsessed with me romantically, whereas my obsession with him stems from... like... an obsession with avoiding him. i want to know everything about him so that i can make sure we never cross paths again. if it were a different situation, i could easily use this information to track him down. but im specifically using it so i can plan where ill be at what times to avoid seeing him.

things have escalated a bit, though. through the course of this, ive been searching for all the little gifts he would give me. holding these things in my hands brings me a very strange sense of comfort. its weird, because im literslly scared shitless of him and he was abusive to me. despite everything, its so soothing to hold something and know that he held it at one point, too. i cant explain it, and i know its contradictory and irrational. part of me wishes i could just go through all his belongings and take them for my own. i just wish i could take his clothes, just to be able to smell him. i forgot what he smelled like and i just wish i could remember. i wish i could wear his jewelry. i cant comprehend this strange attachment i have to him, paired simultaneously with my intense need to be as far away from him as possible. i dont know.

i know that this post is very long. i just needed to get this out somewhere. thank you to anyone who read to the end.

 

[system-of-a-feather]

Lately I've been having this dissociative-trauma thing that I've lately been calling "mentally constipated" cause unlike a lot of other "I see there is something over there but its foggy through a huge dissociative wall and I cant really make anything out" or the proper "oh fuck" shut down dissociation, instead its just like there is a full on block on a specific topic - and not in any blurry way, but something htat is completely hung up that I can't really dive deeper into unless I actively sit and CHOOSE to dissociate and push a little through - otherwise my rational brain and focus just could not even comprehend anything past it

In terms of like internal perception, rather than a foggy wall its just like..... those pokemon blocks you have to use strength on to get by. They're movable - arguably a lot easier to interact with and you can tell you are SUPPOSED to - but you still have to use effort and intent to deal with it otherwise you can only really see a very limited amount of what lies beyond it.

Second day in a row where I'm not feeling dissociated but a specific area is just like... solid soft blocked until I go shower and intentionally sit on it.

It's hard to describe how its different than the Typical Dissociation types but it just is