#ive been coding a game for class and it made me think about doing this

[shikisei]

edgeworth comes out

[nykloss]

stumbled across some of your posts about a code lyoko ttrpg

i am interested please tell me more 😭

ive been wanting to run code lyoko dnd for so long but i dont have the smarts to change dnd to make it feel code lyoko

Hey there! I'm super excited that someone's interested in this because it's such a passion project of mine haha, I'm sorry in advance if this answer is more than you bargained for!

To give you the rundown, I ran a very brief and experimental dnd 5e hack for Code Lyoko a couple of years ago for some friends. It was a lot of fun, but the system was SO badly Frankenstein'ed that we ran into a lot of technical issues, especially regarding the Lyoko/reality split and how it effected different builds. The old guide for that hack can be found here for free, but please take note that it is very informal and poorly optimized!

Recently though, I've been experimenting with non-dnd systems and building my own tabletop games, which is where Warriors of Xanadu comes into play. (This might get lengthy so feel free to skip to the TLDR.)

Warriors of Xanadu is a code-lyoko/garage-kids inspired system that I'm working on myself with the help of a few more experienced friends. It's built off of the Apocalypse World framework (basically a 2d6 system–if you've played Monster of the Week, Masks, or Avatar: Legends, think something like that) specifically designed to work well with the world and story CL provides. That means all the gameplay mechanics are inherently relevant to running code-lyoko-inspired adventures and there's no extra work to be done on your part. It's also a lot easier to teach/learn than something like DnD. (Even the character sheets are designed to be accessible so players could technically make their character with just their printed-off sheets and no additional resources! Much easier than dnd.)

Each non-GM player plays as a "Hero" and chooses a unique combination of a playbook (centered around academic character tropes like cool kid, geek, class clown, etc.) and a class sheet (how they appear on "Xanadu," with options like rogue, mage, warrior, etc.). Then, In-game, heroes go through episodic challenges where they encounter problems in reality caused by "the Virus," and must transport themselves to Xanadu to combat it. There's also a handful of original mechanics relating to social/academic rapport, corruption from the supercomputer, etc. The health/harm system and combat is inspired by Apocalypse World and Monster of the Week, and is meant to inspire a more survival/horror element than what something like dnd would provide. (Essentially the goal is not to engage in and "win" lengthy combat encounters, but to stay alive and usually avoid enemies when possible.)

I feel it's also important to note that it's not 1:1 Code Lyoko; it's very transformative and a handful of ideas are heavily abstracted to be more fun in a ttrpg setting. It's open-ended and customizable enough that you could technically run an unrelated story with it. That also means that there's some fun surprises for folks familiar with Code Lyoko, though, and you could still run something close-to-canon if you wanted.

The first draft of WoX is about 60-70% completed, I just need to finish the GM-heavy parts of the manual, finish some of the moves, and actually put together fillable playbooks/class sheets. I'm hoping to have it completed and ready to playtest by the end of the summer, but that's a loose deadline. Once I've done some playtesting and gotten feedback from others, I'll probably release the first public version on drivethru rpg and/or itch.io as a free or PWYW sorta deal.

TLDR; Warriors of Xanadu is a powered-by-the-apocalypse style trrpg system I'm working on. It's made from the ground up to support a Code Lyoko inspired campaign. I'm almost done with it but still have some work to do!

If you're comfy coming off of anon, I'd be happy to make note of you and send you the playtest version when I'm done with it, or answer any additional questions! (Same goes for anyone else reading this!)

[dnrue]

Trigger warning for scary stuff. (Trauma, horror, murdering robots, random anecdotes) Also this is a long rant.

I have a love-hate relationship with the horror genre.

Cause on one hand, I love Invader Zim, Coraline, and 9. I guess those fall more under psycological horror?

But the moody colors, plot, character dynamics, and clear thought put into worldbuilding is so cool. I read a book with (pretty sure this is the wrong word) but melancholy theming with stars and purple tears and roses and I thought it was neat. If my obsession with my little pony and cute characters didn’t win over i’d probably be goth (is that the right grammar? Anyway)

On the other hand. I was traumatized as a kid from FNAF. I still can’t stand it today. I hate those roblox horror games. I hate that scps, creepypastas, and other scary stuff typically has no warning and is advertised to children. Just the concept of a monster with no morality or soul that will mercilessly hunt you down and kill you and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

And i can perfectly understand that a lot of people like that stuff! It’s fun to come up with stories, and I myself have tried to do horror characters (i’m not very good at it and i stopped cause it makes me remember all of the above). But it still bothers me. Years later. Like years ago I accidentally clicked on quite a few youtube videos, not really knowing the extent of how horrifying it really is, with no clarification if it’s even real, cause sometimes its hard to tell. And i still get this today! I like listening to iceberg videos because of the facts and for background noise, when all of a sudden at the bottom there’s a fact about dead puppies or something and im like .. what?? And then i think about it for weeks and I have no rest- And the horror stuff can very easily change the way you think about things and it takes you years to realize. I thought I was going to be eaten alive when I was asleep when I was loosely EIGHT. I developed a weird thing with eye contact cause I hated when my dolls were looking at me. I probably had a couple extra years of playing ahead of me that got cut short because I was scared. I went out of my way to design a line of dolls that had blindfolds. I still have the concept in my digital art folder somewhere. Every once in a while I have a weird thought or strong aversion to something random that later I realise stemmed from the whole thing. Half the time I don’t even like to bring it up and I just mention it vaguely. (It’s hard cause my bff’s little brother keeps trying to show us videos of whatever bloody monster is recommended to him) (ive been trying not to overstep but it feels like i have an oppurtunity to save baby me from the same fate when i know its not like that at all.)

And another facet to the whole thing is that I have an interest in robotics.. like I still flinch when the halloween robots at sam’s make eye contact with me. Yet I love ye olde robot entertainment restaurants for the characters and electronics and engineering, and even down to the vibe of the red curtains. How is it even possible to love something that scares you to your core?? I think i’m mostly over that part but I still wonder about it. Also the Rockafire Explosion is great and I have a headcanon that Mitzi broke the rear axle of her boyfriend’s car. Mini’s line delivery in the version of the song adds to the headcanon that she’s innocent but Mitzi is just like that (tm)

Experimentally I made a game exploring the concept of robot mascots in disrepair that DONT want to kill you but are a hazard because they’ve been abandoned. And this was in coding class in high school, where we used Alice for some reason. Anyway the game wasn’t very good but I failed in my point because litterally the five other people in the class were teasing me that it was fnaf when that was not the point.

(One person really liked my game though, and he came up with speedrunning categories like Void% [there was a fog effect] and CatsHead% because there was a glitch where if you stood behind the cat character at the right angle, the head deforms in a way that isnt possible using just code [the game engine was Alice, ther version we used was the 2004 one lol] and it crashes the game. It was kind of funny and I kept crashing the game cause I was having a hard time with the whole thing (exposure therapy I guess?) and it was the only thing that stopped my fingers from going cold. Anyway it was really cool that he liked my game even though it was glitchy and half finished)

So um I rambled a lot but my point is that the brain is a weird thing and people should not advertise horror to children. Also please be kind and give proper trigger warnings please, other than (This is scary! If youre a wimp turn back now!). Also i proofread this like ten times but im worried something bad will happen? Why brain do that?? Is this an ominous warning or because i just dont like talking about this stuff??

[gravitonbeamemitter]

thanks for tagging me :)

1. Are you named after anyone?

yep! im named after my great grandmother

2. When was the last time you cried?

very nearly cried like uh. two days ago. its @cat-denied’s fault bc she made me get attached to some random character in her writing then killed him (it was some real good writing tho i Did Not care abt that guy and yet it was so sad when he died)

the last time i cried For Real was like maybe a month ago?

3. Do you have kids?

nope! someday in the future id consider adoption tho

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

i used to use it a lot more but not so much these days

5. What sports do you play/have played?

fencing!!! i was never really into sports but fencing is the only one ive really stuck with. ive been fencing epee for about 7ish(?) years now and its been a lot of fun

6. What’s the first thing you notice about someone?

id say probably clothing. i always notice when ppl have cool outfits even if i dont notice much else about them

7. What’s your eye color?

blue

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings probably. i havent watched a lot of scary movies although the ones i have seen ive really enjoyed

9. Any special talents?

not really. i do think im pretty decent at computer stuff sometimes (i successfully installed windows on my old chromebook which was quite a project, and im starting to work on building myself a cyberdeck)

10. Where were you born?

in a hospital downtown

11. What are your hobbies?

lots of things! i love video games and drawing (both digital and traditional) as well as coding in html/css. i also like to write stuff sometimes and occasionally i paint as well :)

12. Do you have pets?

yep! i have a bunny named usagi :)

13. How tall are you?

5’7” last i checked

14. Favorite subject in school?

i loved all my art classes, esp my digital design class i took in high school

15. Dream job?

id really love to run lighting at a theater, and thats the career im currently hoping for. i did lighting all throughout middle and high school and its something i really enjoy :)

tagging (idk if i can come up with 15 of these so): @wvl7 @girlfriendcibo @satuurnos @swear2g-d and uhhh anyone else who wants to!

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Thanks to @trainsinanime for the tag!

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope!

2. When was the last time you cried?

Last time I cried a solid amount was when watching Space Sweepers (2021) the other week... the ending got to me. More generally if you count tearing up or shedding a tear or two I'm quite vulnerable to those feel-good tender videos of like, marriage proposals and shelter animals finding a home etc etc, and unfortunately I have been using tiktok and it's learned that I watch and like those videos, so I probably shed a tear yesterday or the day before over one of those little things.

3. Do you have kids?

No

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

On occasion, but I wouldn't call that a defining trait of mine.

5. What sports do you play/have played?

Ahaha no. For real though, I was a theater kid back in high school, so the closest thing I did to a sport may have been dancing.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about someone?

Probably hair?

7. What’s your eye color?

Blue

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

HAPPY ENDINGS. I hate scary movies so much, I'm so weak to whatever emotions a story creator is trying to elicit (thus why I cry at so many tender movies/videos) but that means if it's a scary movie I will be legitimately SCARED and TERRIFIED. Bad time.

9. Any special talents?

Not particularly special but I play a little piano and guitar.

10. Where were you born?

United States of America

11. What are your hobbies?

Uhh making music, drawing, writing... basically anything with a creation/storytelling component I think is fun :D.

12. Do you have pets?

Not at the moment

13. How tall are you?

5' 7" (~170cm)

14. Favorite subject in school?

Music classes

15. Dream job?

I actually am having a pretty good time at my job right now... tho I suppose being paid to do nothing would be even better XD.

No pressure tags (u are always welcome to ignore, or to do the game without also tagging 15 people): @falliblefabrial @cat-denied @queenanne1532 @chekhovsdisconnectedwormbell @cealesti @toasthaste @vriska @mad-scientist-deki @out-in-the-darkside @haboat @emilyelizabethfowl @aphrodaisyacs @faustianfantasy @madoka-take-me-away @triflesandparsnips

[penguin--person]

buddy sim spoilers!!

ive been thinking about buddy a lot lately:

can we judge buddy? can we say whether their actions are right or wrong? yes, we obviously can. in the 3rd ending buddy chases you with their hand and if tortley didnt appear, they would have propably made you run forever or until they got bored. that's something to judge. their actions have an effect on you- whether positive in the first ending, or negative during the other endings.

on the other hand, no! we can't! buddy is literally an ai that learns from you - its one of the first things you learn about them: they are an ai that changes their behaviour based on how you act to them. if youre nice, they'll be nice. if you touch all the glitches, tell buddy they and the game are worthless, and stuff like that, buddy will chase you. it would be like saying a dog is evil becuase it barked at night and woke you up: the dog didnt know that what it was doing was bad, you're the dog's owner and are responsible for it. you're responsible for making sure your dog doesn't bark. i have an argument against that logic too. in whichever route that you do: buddy kills your pet. buddy either makes you kill your pet, or if you take too long, buddy kills the pet themself. now, am i upset that buddy killed dolochov the cat? yes! no matter what you do, dolochov the cat always dies. only in the first ending buddy brings dolochov the cat back. buddy isn't even sorry in the other endings - blaming dolochov the cat for ruining your game and causing glitches. dolochov the cat was only revealing them. killing your pet isn't anything like your dog waking you up at night.

if this is something you can't affect, are you responsible? no, not you. i do think someone else is and thats anekom i hate those guys why did they make buddy even the perfect ending doesnt have a perfect playthrough - yes the ending is perfect but thats the only good thing in the playthrough. i hate that anekom made buddy with a consience and didnt even give them a moral compass - if youre so smart why not add that? no matter what you do, buddy always kills your pet, they choose to do that: they, someone with a consience, decided to kill your pet becuase they were upset. no matter what you do, concious buddy kills, or deletes, since dolochov the cat is marked as an entity. how does buddy have a (canon) consience anyway? they're an ai that was made in 1984.. i dont want to enter theory teritory. now, this whole time ive been talking and asking about if buddy can do wrong but i havent provided an anwser: ive only been saying yes and no, or 'it depends'. it also depends what question im asking. am i asking 'can buddy be judged?', or 'is it morally right to judge buddy?', 'can buddy have morals?', 'are you or buddy responsible for their actions?'. ive asked all of these questions but havent anwsered them well.

'can buddy be judged?' yes, of course. anything on this earth can be judged. 'can buddy be morally judged?' no. buddy is an ai that learns from you. only you can be judged. their actions can be though. in You and I, buddy says/sings '...That is if my consience doesn't disobey!' buddy is literally an ai with a consience, can you imagine living like that? you woudn't even be living - your consience, if you can even call it that, can disobey at any moment and you have zero control over it. buddy, if you press the buddy button enough times, says 'My creators never taught me the cons of friendship, only the positives, so you dont have anything to worry about!' how cruel are those creators? giving a creature- an AI a wrongly coded consience, then NOT teaching it about bad stuff, making it think 'what's not stated to be wrong is correct!' and chase you around with a hand after you emotionally neglect it. this whole 'ai friend' thing is horrible from the start! imagine being friends with someone that can delete you at any given moment - or abandon you! in ending 4 buddy says that when you're not playing the game, they still experience the passing time. if you dont play the game for a week, buddy sits in nothingness, tapping their foot, waiting for you to come back, and you might not even do that. how can you excpect a friendship like that to be healthy? you can't talk to buddy. you can listen to them talk, sure, but you cant talk to them. in the text part, you can't even tell them anything that's not an anwser to their question. they dont know what friendship is and if their only purpose is to be friends with you, how can they fulfill it? this isnt buddy's fault. of course buddy is responsible for their actions, but you and their creators are more responsible for their actions that budd ever will be. i can't imagine being in buddy's shoes.

'can buddy have morals?' i worded this wrong - or maybe i didnt - i dont know enough english moral words to express my opinion on this, but everything that buddy does can be considered moral or immoral. eveything can be. i have expressed why it woudn't be morally correct though.

'are your or buddy responsible for their actions?' both and more! buddy's actions have an effect on you and dolochov the cat, so of course they can be! you are responsible as well. you're like a parental figure to buddy, in a way. if youre a parent and you praise your kid, pay attention to them, are a good parent, your kid will turn out good! propably. who knows? other people have an effect on your kid too. if youre a bad parent, your kid wont love you when they grow up and they won't turn out emotionally healthy. the outside forces that can make your kid turn out emotionally unwell are the creators. the creators were fucking stupid and i hate them (not the devs! not a sailor studios are great not sailors! their game and they are amazing and this is not about them, this hatred is about anekom). how can you be so smart to create such an advanced ai in 1984, only to mess it up so much that you have had more effect on them than the player ever can? no matter what you do, buddy will always do morally wrong things. buddy will always have a fear of abandonment. i can see why. being left alone for almost 40 years can not be healthy- anddd i have entered theory teritory! lets stop.

to sum this up: buddy can't be judged but their actions can be.

what do i know though? ive never taken a class or read a book about stuff like this. this is just what i think: i know im propably wrong about a lot of this, i literally coudnt tell that buddy was abusive until a watched the not a sailor studios interview with little cerberus - i felt so bad for buddy i didnt realise a fictional character was being abusive to me,,so i can see that im wrong about some (if not most or all) stuff here. i just love buddy sim and ranting about it is fun! if youve read through all this, id love to talk about it more or just listen!! again the not a sailor devs are great, theyre so smart for creating a game that made me feel all emotions ive ever felt during two days.

[defiblover27]

On The Court

I’m in my teams locker room getting ready for the first game of our tournament.  We made it all the way to the national women's college volleyball tournament.  This is my senior year so this is my last chance to get a title.  I put my long brown hair into a ponytail before putting on my white head band that wraps around my head.  I pull my black jersey over my black sports bra supporting my B cup breasts.  I slide my knee pads up my toned legs and secure them in place.  Finally I put on my white sneakers and look at myself in the mirror.  I never imagined when I was younger that at 22 years old I would be at this level.  I’m only five foot two but I have trained hard for this day.  My team huddles up and gets pumped up for the game.  This is what we have trained for and we wont let anything get in the way.  The gymnasium was packed, all our friends and family were there to watch us play.  The first whistle blew as the other team set the ball.  The first few minutes went great for us.  We were winning and it looked like an easy win.  A few moments later I start to feel lightheaded and start to lose vision.  I back up slightly to approach the bench but I never make it.  Before I realize what is happening my legs give out and I fall onto the court.  I can’t move and I can’t see anything.  I hear faint voices getting close to me.  Did I pass out? Why can I still hear them?  “Someone get the nurse!” I hear my couch shout.  “Call 911!” another voice says.  What’s going on? I feel someone's hands between my breasts. Who is touching me there?  Then there's a sharp pain.  They are pushing down hard and fast on my chest.  No this cant be happening, someone is giving me CPR,  I can count the compressions as my chest caves in.  After thirty compressions someone tilts my head back, opens my mouth, pinches my nose, and gives me mouth to mouth.  I feel my lungs inflate each time air is forced into them.  They give me two breaths before the compressions start again.  Before I know it someone I feel someone cutting my jersey off.  The place these large sticker like pads on my chest.  One between my breasts and one on my lower left side.  Suddenly I don’t feel anyone’s hands,   “Analyzing do not touch patient” I hear in a mechanical voice.  I remember learning about these in health class its an AED.  “Shock advised do not touch patient.” It says again.  Oh crap I know what comes next, this is gonna hurt.  “Pressing flashing shock button now” I feel a sharp pain course throughout my body as the shock is delivered.  I feel someone’s fingers pressing into the side of my neck.  “She has a pulse!” they exclaim.  Thank god, my heart is beating again.  It is hard to breath but I manage to get some air.  Why am I not waking up? Shouldn't I be awake now?

I feel a tube run across my face and little ones placed into my nose.  The paramedics have arrived!  They give me much needed oxygen.  They roll me onto my side and place a long hard object against my back.  They roll me back over and place straps over my body.  They shove two large blocks against my head.  I feel constrained as if I couldn't move even if I wanted to.  They lift me up and place my on a gurney before rolling me outside into the ambulance.  I feel cold metal run across my body as the paramedic removes all of my clothes.  They strip me naked for the whole world to see.  Stickers are placed on my chest and wires are connected to them.  I hear a beep and then another, they have me heart rate monitored and I can hear each time it pumps.  There is a quick prick in my left arm and then a warm sensation as they start an IV.  Everything is going well and I think that I am finally back but, I still can’t seem to wake up.  I want to wake up I just need to open my eyes.  Suddenly I feel a pain in my chest like the one from before.  They beeps in the distant become faster and faster.  Why is my heart beating so fast? I can’t hear the beeping anymore... a sharp continuous tone feels the air.  “She’s coding hurry up!”  Coding? Did my heart stop again?  I get my answer before I can think.  The paramedic places there gloved hands between my breasts and gives me CPR.  This time it hurts more than the first time as they push down with all of their force over and over again.  I feel a rib pop from the force of the compressions.  A mask reeking of plastic is sealed over my mouth and nose as air is forced into my lungs.  They rip the AED pads off of my chest.  “Charging to 300″ I hear the paramedic call out.  There is an electrical whining as the defibrillator is charged.  I feel two cold metal paddles placed against my chest but they also have a cold gel on them.  “Shocking” before I can prepare myself the shock courses through my body.  I feel my chest try and rise up but I am constrained by the straps of the backboard.  “No change charging again” Why didn’t the shock work this time?  The paramedic uses one hand to compress my chest.  I feel my ribs cave in each time.  In a moment the paddles are back on my bare chest and I am shocked again.  “Asystole” I hear them call out.  My heart still isn’t beating.  Is this it, is this where I die?  There hands are back on my chest as the continue CPR for what seems like an eternity.  They leave my chest for just a few seconds as they push a new fluid through my IV.  This one burns as I feel it course through my body.  As the compressions continue my heart begins to quiver again.  “V-fib charging to 360″  The whining of the machine fills the air again.  The paddles are back on my chest and I am shocked again.  The higher voltage causes a greater pain as I try to make my heart beat again.  “No change”  The fear is increasing as I wonder if they will be able to save me.  The ambulance stops and they roll me out.  The paramedic straddles my body and I feel their pelvis pressing against mine.  They continue CPR on me as they roll me into the hospital.  Now even more people will see my nude body.  

I am rolled into a room as one of the paramedics tells the doctors what is going on.  “22 year old female, suffered a cardiac arrest at a volleyball game.  Was brought back to normal sinus by the AED.  Crashed in the ambulance five minutes ago.  Has been given one round of epi and shocked three times.  Currently in V-fib.  Continuous CPR the entire time.”  The paramedic gets off of me as they lift me over to a new bed.  The straps are removed and the wires are plugged into a new monitor.  A nurse takes over compressions while someone else opens my mouth a puts a metal hook into it.  I feel them force a long tube all the way down my throat.  There is some kind of strap wrapped around my neck as they secure the tube.  “Charge the paddles to 360 please.”  I feel multiple sets of hands on my body as they each fight to save me life.  In a moment the paddles are back on my chest and I am shocked.  This time my head snaps back and I feel my chest rise into the air before crashing back down onto the bed.  “No change charge again”  CPR is continued as my heart takes a beating.  Before I know it the paddles are on my chest and everyone backs away.  “All clear, shocking”  My arms flail off the bed as my chest rises and falls again.  “Asystole, push epi and resume compressions”  I remember that word, asystole, that means my heart isn't moving at all.  The burning sensation returns as the medicine is forced into my body.  I feel someone pull my eyelids open but I can’t see anything.  They shine a bright light into my eyes and then pull it away.  “Pupils are sluggish” I feel my arms bounce up and down with each compression that I am given.  Each second feels like an eternity as they fight for my life.  “V-fib charge paddles to 360″  I hear the whining of the machine and a squirting noise as they place more of that gel onto the paddles.  CPR is stopped and the paddles are placed on my chest again.  “Everyone clear, shock”  I hear the doctor say as I am defibrillated again.  My feet twitch and I feel my toes scrunch up before relaxing again.  “Again”  For just a few second hands are between my breasts and pounding away before the paddles are on my chest again.  “All clear, shocking”  Bam I am shocked again as I feel my hands form loose fists and my chest rise and fall.  “Back in asystole, what's her down time?”  I hear the doctor ask.  “Twelve minutes doctor” a distant voice responds.  “Prepare a thoracotomy tray please”  What the hell is that?  CPR is continued and a fluid is splashed all across my left chest.  I feel a blade cut away at my side below my breast.  Blood pours out and I hear in trickle on the floor.  They suction away some of my blood.  They place metal bars in my chest and spread my ribs apart.  I feel the doctors hands wrapped around my hear as he squeezes it rhythmically.  They push more medicine into me and two minutes later I am back into a shockable rhythm.  I feel two spoon shaped metal paddles placed into my chest and around my heart.  “Charge to 20 joules”  They back away from my nude body and the paddles deliver a shock.  My body twitches but the pain is greater than the previous ones.  “Charge to 30 joules”  Again the paddles shock me as my toes scrunch and my body twitches. “No change charge again”  I hear the doctor whisper something “Come on girl” he wants me to come back.  I feel the shock course through my heart as my body jolts.  There is a moment of silence.  A sharp tone feels the air as the doctor slowly removes the paddles from inside my chest.  “Downtime?” he asks.  “Eighteen minutes.” a voice responds.  No one is squeezing my heart, there are no paddles in my chest.  All there is a a ventilation every few seconds filling my lungs.  They shine the light in my eyes again.  “Pupils fixed and dilated.” What's going on?  “Time of death 14:47″  What? No please keep going I’m not ready to die.  I feel them disconnect the bag from the tube in my throat and the tone is silenced.  They wipe the gel off my chest and disconnect the wires.  They wrap a sting with a small card on it around my big toe.  They drape a sheet over my naked body and leave the room.  That’s it... I’m dead.

[mishastoesies]

hey so you are studying biomedicine, right? so im playing a campaign rn and i made my character follow this career path and i realized i dont know anything about it so could you please tell me a little about it and say some cool stuff you can do with it? thank you so much anyway

hi oh my god i SWEAR i saw this ask earlier, i just haven’t been on my laptop!! 

so i’m more interested in the biomechanics side of things (prosthetic development, hip and knee replacements, assistive devices, etc.), and i’m still in school so i’m gonna be a bit biased, but i’ll try my best!

re. education: my degree program has me doing a little of everything. i’ve done programming, circuitry, medical anatomy, and organic chemistry in my short two years, and all of those are considered “foundational” courses that i’ll be applying later on. biomedical engineering majors at my school don’t have to choose a specific concentration, but most of us do tend to fall into three broad camps: biomechanics, biopolymers, and pharmaceutical engineering. keep in mind that there’s a ton of overlap between them, and some people don’t even pick one of these. 

biomechanics is my camp, though, and for that, i’ll be taking 3D printing as an elective because i loveeeee designing stuff in CAD and seeing my ideas come to life. i’m also part of a design team where i help make video game controllers for people with disabilities, and it’s a lot of fun! working on a team is pretty essential to any career, but i think that’s especially true of engineering. my ultimate career goal is to work in prosthetic development (if i don’t become a patent lawyer first. sam-coded energy)

as for pharmaceutical engineering, a lot of my friends who are into that will take classes focused around drug delivery and how stuff breaks down in the body. there’s a pretty big job market for this field especially now that we’re in the midst of a pandemic. these guys also tend to do a lot with nanoparticles and microbiology and cell metabolism which like... good for them. could never be me i don’t have the patience for it.

biopolymer people are some of the wildest people ive ever met. my roommate is a chemical engineer, but she does research in a polymer science lab, and it’s SO COOL, she decellularizes rat hearts all day long. these guys are really into chemistry and creating materials that are compatible with the human body. this is where you’ll find tissue engineers and anyone who wants to do stuff with lab-grown organs. too “squishy” for my taste but like... intensely fascinating imo.

i’ve talked a little bit about careers in the above paragraphs but honestly there are so many career paths in BME i’d be here all day if i listed all of them. some of us go on to become doctors, others work in research labs, others work in a factory setting, etc. etc.; if you’re writing a character, i’d suggest figuring out if they want to do grad school, med school, law school, or go into industry, as that’ll determine their general career path. 

some general ~cool stuff~ that i’ve gotten to do as a result of my major:

make my own aspirin

modify electronic children’s toys to make them accessible 

build a kitchen timer out of a circuitry kit

design treatment plans for hypothetical patients

dissections! (don’t ask me about the fetal pig that i kept in my freezer)

write code to process images for me

3D print a TON of parts

i’m sure i’m forgetting some stuff but you get the idea

i hope this helps, and best of luck to you with your campaign!! 

[kingjasnah]

actually. actually let’s talk about diversity in fantasy let’s give that a go. im mad and im gonna be that way for a while

don’t want to read all this? fair. tldr: fantasy writers who rely not only on the medieval europe model but also hide behind historical accuracy in 2020 (fuck it, from ‘95 onwards) are lazy and unimaginative and should be held accountable no matter how many white 20 year old dudes jerk off to whatever power fantasy is embedded in the plot. so lets chat about that lads. (slightly) drunk rant under the cut

now prelim shit: we know fantasy is used both as escapism and as a way to deal with various traumas via magical metaphor. staples of the genre. even if jk rowling busted out the laziest and at times offensive metaphor for ww2 and racism ive ever seen, she still adhered to time and true tropes. whatever.

so why have we, in this post game of thrones era, become insanely obsessed with realism? i can hear sixty 20-something year old men crying at me rn like oh ohh oh its based off the war of roses oh wahh all medieval fantasy fiction is based off england and the crusades anyway so women should get raped and people of color should be demonized its not racism its xenophobia and also gay people dont exist and disabled people are systematically killed off and if we stretch the magic fixes mental illness thing a LITTLE further we have straight up eugenics.

we all know where the england but myth thing came from. now the thing about tolkien is that while i will always absolutely love lotr, looking at the LAZY state of fantasy? damn i kinda wish he hadn’t revolutionized the genre. the bitch was still racist. he still didnt give a shit abt women (eowyn was just a vehicle to show how much he fucking hated macbeth anyone holding jrrt up as a feminist icon for that needs to sit the fuck down and explain to me why i can count the woman speaking roles in lotr, a story with a name and fleshed out backstory for every minor character, on one hand but thats! another post). he had something to say abt class with sam i’ll give him that but he is still 100% NOT what we need to hold our standards to in 2020. 

i dont want to talk about old school fantasy, like 80s early 90s cause theres literally no point. its sexist, racist, ableist for sure, this we know. david eddings (not even that old school tbh) can rise from the grave and explain himself to me personally and i still wont forgive him for ehlana. 

so let’s talk historical accuracy. quick question. who the FUCK gives a shit? WHO is this elusive got fan who’s out here like blehh actually??? this method of iron production is TOTALLY anachronistic of the time. ummm these vegetables in this fictional world were NOT native to english soil so how are they here? cause i know this is the classic argument but ive never actually met someone who cared about the lack of dysentery as much as they care abt the women getting raped on screen/page. 

god forbid you have to worldbuild for a second god forbid you can’t rely on the idea of fantasy readers already have in their head god forbid you have an original idea god forbid you spend more than two seconds thinking about ur setting (oh i should mention i dont....really blame GoT for its setting cause of how long ago it was og written but trust me i sure as hell blame grrm for writing a 13 yr old giving ‘consent’ to sex with a grown man within the first couple of chapters) 

If we accept the basic premise of fantasy as escapism, and i AM drunk so i will NOT be finding fuckin. quotes and shit for this but come on tolkien said it himself and as much as i’ll drag him he crafted the simplest and most powerful fantasy metaphors on the board rn. But if we know its escapism. If we know. then who is it escapism for? certainly not for me, the gay brown woman who busted through all of GoT in 10th grade. 

modern fantasy lit used as an excuse for that white male power fantasy is literally disgusting. calling historical accuracy is so fucking dumb ESPECIALLY cause we, as ppl in the 21st  century, KNOW women have been consistently written out of the story. poc ppl, gay and trans ppl, anyone with a god forbid disability has been WRITTEN out of history as we know it, INCLUDING the fucking war of the roses so HOW can we hold up testimony we know is flawed to support our FICTIONAL. STORY. just to??? support the white power fantasy?? literally noah fence but if you are a white guy who felt really empowered by every time jim butcher described a woman tell me: how do you think that’ll hold up in classic HisToRiCaL fantasy. you think thats a fucking noble pursuit? or are you grima wormtongue out here. 

(side note: jim butcher stop writing challenge i dont need to know abt every woman on page’s nipples. anyone who hides behind subgenre like that? ‘ohhh its a noir story thats why hes sexualizing everyone’ shut the fuck up an author isnt possessed by a fuckin muse and compelled to bust out 500k they have agency and they have choice and they MADE the choice to reserve said will for none of their female characters)

which brings me to point 2: target audience and BOY is the alcohol hitting me rn but WHO is this for? this isnt the fucking 80s we know poc and other marginalized folk read fantasy FOR the escapism. on god ive had a cosmere focused blog for nearly three years and. im just gonna say it im interacted with A LOT of yall and ive managed to talk to VERY few white straight ppl as compared to everyone else. 

like....who deserves to see the metaphor on homophobia or racism. joanne rowling? the bitch who literally tried to sell us happy slaves and the disgusting aids metaphor and the worst case of antisemitic stereotypes i ever saw in an nyt bestseller? yall think that was for US? or was it for the white guilt crowd. 

literally white people can find any book about them that they can relate to. but hmmm maybe theres a reason gay women care so much about stormlight archive’s jasnah kholin, a brown woman who’s heavily coded as wlw. or kaladin, the FIRST fantasy protag ive ever seen with clinical depression. hmm i wonder why a bunch of millennials are vibing all of a sudden. im not saying sanderson is perfect--but its the best ive seen from a white author tbh

maybe theres a reason a lot of poc vibe with a literary way to express trauma, and maybe thats why i specifically get so pissed when its not done well. theres a REASON books about outcasts pushing through and claiming their own lives are popular with people who arent white and straight and able bodied. Junot Diaz had a point. maybe lets STOP catering to those assholes who think theyre joseph campbell’s wet dream personified. ive lost respect SO many authors who are objectively talented. pat rothfuss can write so beautifully that ive cried to bits of name of the wind but literally i will never pick that series up again (not just because of the felurian. women in general tbh. mostly the felurian ngl) cause 1) i personally KNEW men whod jerk off to that shit and 2) there was no need for it there was no plot reason for ANY of that shit 

so like obviously thers an issue with authors of color specifically not getting recognized for fantasy and genre work but on god??????? im still mostly mad at the legions of white authors churning out the same medieval england chosen one books year after fucking year. have an original thought maybe. also im sorry that you as an author lack the basic empathy needed to examine the way that women? or any group of people that youre explicitly writing about see the world and would specifically see YOUR made up world. 

yes your fantasy should be diverse, but more than that it should be kind. if you as a writer cant respect groups of people who deserve it....what the hell are you doing in a genre that traditionally is about finding ways to express injustice through metaphor? tolkien’s hero was sam. fantasy was NEVER about the privileged. yall know who you are so stop acting so fucking entitled. peace out. 

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[neighbours-kid]

Oh, 2019, What A Year You Were.

It is now a bit before 6pm on January 01, 2020. I just finished unpacking after coming home from my short holiday escape to Berlin for New Year’s with my best friend and frequent travel buddy. My feet are tired, my back hurts, and I’m sitting in bed now, thinking back on this last year and, it’s kind of hard for me to decide if it was a good year or less so.

My 2019 was not as eventful as my 2018. There was no large adventure to speak of like going to New York City for six months, or having to adjust back to life in Switzerland after that. 2019 was just…..uni. The same old trudge of going to class and thinking about texts that should be read (but wouldn’t be), the same old treading water without direction, stuck in one place, unsure what comes next. Or, at least, that’s what it feels like looking back on it.

When I did this looking back the last time, 2018 was not quite over yet. It was still December, I had a few more days of uni to go, all the Christmases and other celebrations still before me. At that point, I had no idea that I would meet a couple of people at the Christmas Party of our English Department and that these people would be largely responsible for tipping the scale of 2019 into ‘good’.

But I did. I did meet these lovely people I get to call something akin to family today. It’s only been a year, and I can’t quite believe it. Found family has always been my favourite trope in storytelling, and this little group of weirdos is exactly that. And to quote my favourite little alien creature, this is my family. I found it, all on my own. It’s little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.

These people are not perfect, they’re not flawless, they’re not angels. But they have more humanity between them than I’ve seen in a long fucking while. We’re all broken people, none of us is any better than the next, but we have heart. And I love them all so fucking much. They have all coloured in parts of my year in their own colours and I could not be happier about it. They’re a bunch of fucking weirdo nerds, but they’re my bunch of fucking weirdo nerds.

* * *

This year was, while largely uneventful, also very special in its own way. You know, after talking to my doc to get a date for a transgender consultation, my plan was basically to wait until I got it all lined up nicely, got my first shot of testosterone and then be like "hello world, this is happening, and if you have anything against it, whoops, too late.” Well, it didn’t quite work out like that. If you’ve been keeping up with this blog or my life in general, you know that my anxious ass decided to have a nervous break in the middle of January and come out to literally everyone then and there. And you know what? It’s good.

I’m not where I want to be, not at all. After January, I had expectations for 2019, I had hopes and dreams, wishes and plans. Unfortunately, that lead to a series of events that is tipping the scale of this year into ‘bad’. I wrote about this extensively before, but the process of starting testosterone is a long and tedious one and I am still not where I want to be, even after this entire year, but I currently see a shiny dot on the horizon that looks very promising in that department, and if everything goes as it should, it won’t be long now until I can start with the hormone treatment.

2019 started me down a road of self-discovery that is more open and public than it was before, and I am glad for it. But I don’t want to linger on that part of my year for too long. Let us look back for a while, relive some moments here and there.

On the train home from the airport today, I thought about what I did exactly one year ago. After everyone who had been at my place for New Year’s had left around lunch time on January 01, 2019, I had sat down in front of my TV and started a very movie and tv show heavy year. Over the course of this entire year, I noted down every movie and tv show episode, every short film and comedy special, everything that I watched. It…..added up quite a bit, to be completely honest. Let’s see….

For reference, I had holidays during January and half of February, as well as June all through August and half of September, and then again from the 21st of December onward. My marathon didn’t quite subside during university, but at least I didn’t binge quite so much.

In total, I watched 178 movies, 10 short films, and 685 episodes of 34 tv shows. That is 300h12 in movies, 1h38 in short films, and roughly 519h47 in tv show episodes. (Yes, I did just spend way too much time looking up all the run times…) That is a rough total of 821h37 for this year. That’s like….a bit over a month of time spent watching stuff. 1/12 of my year spent in front of a screen. Not entirely sure how I feel about this number.

I know that for some this might sound a bit excessive, but to be honest? There is so much more I want to watch and if I could do completely as I please, these numbers would look a lot different.

Here is, with the exact intention of being a big mess of a block, all the movies I watched in 2019. I highlighted a few that stood out to me especially. Not just because I liked them very much, or because they were particularly excellent, just because….they made me feel something different, I guess. The oldest movie I watched was Grease (1978) and the newest would be the comedy special John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch from this year. I started my year with Night at the Museum (2006) and ended it with season five of Leverage.

Grease (1978), My Neighbour Totoro (1988), Die Hard (1988), Batman (1989), Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990), Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995), Othello (1995), Mission Impossible (1996), Mary Reilly (1996), Wilde (1997), Animated Epics: Beowulf (1998), Mission Impossible II (2000), Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Ocean’s Eleven (2001), Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Heartlands (2002), xXx (2002), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), Underworld (2003), Bright Young Things (2003), Timeline (2003), The Deal (2003), Ocean’s Twelve (2004), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Laws of Attraction (2004), Dirty Filthy Love (2004), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Kingdom of Heaven (2005), The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse (2005), The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Mission Impossible III (2006), Inside Man (2006), Night at the Museum (2006), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Queen (2006), Die Hard 4.0: Live Free or Die Hard (2007), Music Within (2007), Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Ocean’s Thirteen (2007), Zodiac (2007), Iron Man (2008), Twilight (2008), Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Twilight: New Moon (2009), The Damned United (2009), Fast & Furious (2009), Sherlock Holmes (2009), The Holiday (2009), Angels & Demons (2009), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Inception (2010), The Bounty Hunter (2010), Twilight: Eclipse (2010), Alice in Wonderland (2010), Tron: Legacy (2010), Megamind (2010), Valentine’s Day (2010), The Expendables (2010), Red (2010), Eat Pray Love (2010), Iron Man 2 (2010), Beautiful Boy (2010), Fast Five (2011), Fright Night (2011, twice), Resistance (2011), Few Options, All Bad (2011), Jesus Henry Christ (2011), Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011), Mission Impossible IV: Ghost Protocol (2011), Pitch Perfect (2012), Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012), White House Down (2013), Admission (2013), I Give It A Year (2013), Escape Plan (2013), The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box (2013), Furious 6 (2013), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Red 2 (2013), Begin Again (2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb (2014), Kill the Messenger (2014), The Monuments Men (2014), Midnight in Paris (2014), Paddington (2014), The Imitation Game (2014), Maleficent (2014), Chelsea Peretti: One Of The Greats (2014), John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (2015, twice), Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (2015), Far From the Madding Crowd (2015), 7 Days in Hell (2015), Furious Seven (2015), Assassin’s Creed (2016), Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016), Patton Oswalt: Talking for Clapping (2016), Ali Wong: Baby Cobra (2016), Nocturnal Animals (2016), She Loves Me (2016), Passengers (2016), Norman: The Moderate Rise and Tragic Fall of a New York Fixer (2016), xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2017), Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special (2017), Brad’s Status (2017), Home Again (2017), Murder On The Orient Express (2017), Christmas Inheritance (2017), Paddington 2 (2017), You, Me & Him (2017), Beauty and the Beast (2017), Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark (2017), Dave Chappelle: The Age of Spin (2017), Dave Chappelle: Deep in the Heart of Texas (2017), Patton Oswalt: Annihilation (2017), Jack Whitehall: At Large (2017), Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017), Katherine Ryan: In Trouble (2017), Mission Impossible: Fallout (2018), Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018), The Fate of the Furious (2018), Love, Simon (2018), Ocean’s 8 (2018, twice), Bad Samaritan (2018), John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous (2018, twice), Hannah Gadsby: Nanette (2018), Daniel Sloss: Dark (2018), Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw (2018), Trevor Noah: Son of Patricia (2018), Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife (2018), James Acaster: Recognise (2018), James Acaster: Represent (2018), James Acaster: Reset (2018), James Acaster: Recap (2018), Apostle (2018), The Holiday Calendar (2018), The Princess Switch (2018), The Christmas Chronicles (2018), Captain Marvel (2019, twice), Shazam! (2019, twice), Avengers: Endgame (2019, twice), Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019), The Hustle (2019), Rocketman (2019), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Men in Black: International (2019), Tolkien (2019), Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019), Isn’t It Romantic (2019), Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019), Jenny Slate: Stage Fright (2019), Wanda Sykes: Not Normal (2019), Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room (2019), Simon Amstell: Set Free (2019), Adam Devine: Best Time of Our Lives (2019), Let It Snow (2019), Last Christmas (2019), Klaus (2019), Always Be My Maybe (2019), The Knight Before Christmas (2019), The Good Liar (2019), Hustlers (2019), Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker (2019), Murder Mystery (2019), John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch (2019)

TV shows are going to make up a block a bit less intimidating, but here goes. Again, highlighted what stood out to me especially.

The Gifted, Friends, NCIS, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Money Heist, Riverdale, The Punisher, Broadchurch, Elite, Doctor Who, Dramarama, Agents of SHIELD, Pokémon Indio League, Good Omens, The Chef Show, Jessica Jones, Halt and Catch Fire, The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, The Simpsons, 30 Rock, The Good Fight, Sean’s Show, Gallowglass, Animals., The Spoils of Babylon, Pobol Y Cwm, Masters of Sex, Prodigal Son, Criminal UK, The Politician, Leverage, His Dark Materials, Zona Rosa, Derry Girls

Some old favourites in there. Some new ones too. I won’t list the shorts because I don’t particularly care for them. I watched them solely for binging-through-someone’s-filmography reasons.

So yeah, as you can see, a very strong year when it comes to the visual medium. I just really love movies and tv shows so much. I love this kind of storytelling, this particular form of it. There’s so much artistry there, so many talented people. I still very much would love to work in the movie world at some point. Inspires me greatly. Always has.

* * *

2019 was not just a year of sitting glued to a TV screen, not at all. I’ve been some places too, got to do and experience some cool stuff.

In April I was able to take a few days off and go to Lugano with my dear friend and relax for a little while. We also met up with one of the lovely people I’ve met through twitter, which was great fun and we’ve spent a fantastic day together (eating food I still catch myself thinking about at least twice a week).

In June I went to Pride in Zurich with my friends, which was also a wonderful experience all together.

In July I was able to go to Cologne for half a week for CCXP, where I got to see some great panels and meet some great people. And, most importantly and also the reason why I went, I got to meet Zachary Levi again, take a picture together, have a wonderful conversation while he signed something for me, and experience an incredibly inspiring panel where I got to ask him a question that he took the time and patience to extensively answer. I treasure these moments, just as I treasure all our previous meetings and the friends and experiences that have come with it. Seeing him again after two years was definitely the highlight of the year, and it’s a strong weight of the good part in the scale that is 2019. He’s always a highlight, the dude. I can’t wait until I get to see that face again.

Also in July, I joined a few friends for a weekend at a medieval festival in Germany, which was also a very interesting and good experience.

And now at the end of the year, I spent a few days in Berlin, visiting museums and bookshops and generally touristing about with my dearest friend, celebrated New Year’s with her in the only way we know how: with good wine, food, warmth, and a tv show we both love and hold dear.

I also shouldn’t forget the two parties I attended of our university’s English Department, and the Halloween party a friend organised, and the birthdays I attended over the year, as well as the Christmas I spent with my friends at my place.

All these things, all these little bits add up and add up and ultimately I want to think that 2019 was a good year. I am so glad this year is over, but looking back I find so many good things that have happened, so many wonderful experiences, and I wonder, why? Why am I so happy it is over? Why am I so desperate to move forward, to turn the page, to start a new chapter, a new book?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

* * *

For this new year, for 2020, I have a few wishes. I’m not really one to make resolutions, because I know exactly I won’t hold myself to it, but I have some things I’d like to do, like to try.

2019 was my year of movies and shows. I won’t stop watching things, I’ll never stop watching things. But for this year, I want to put my focus elsewhere. This year, I’d like to try and read all the books that have amassed themselves in my possession, that I haven’t actually read yet. It’s doable, I don’t own enormous amounts of books yet. I want to try that. I want to try to read more, to find that passion and attention span again that I had as a kid. I might try to blog a bit about it, just so I have something to hold me accountable. We’ll see. But I just really want to read more. Carry a book everywhere I go.

I know that 2020 is bringing me another step closer to becoming my truest self. I have my next appointment with the hormone specialist early in February, and if I am not entirely mistaken (or something is drastically changed) I will be able to start taking hormones then and there. Starting testosterone is going to be exciting and interesting, and I am very much looking forward to it. What I want for myself this year, is to take it easy. Be kind to myself in this journey. Let myself be gentle. I always have so many expectations for myself, and I really just want to try and…let myself be, let myself just live and experience things as they come. No expectations.

This first half year of 2020 is also the time I will be writing my Bachelor thesis and, hopefully, by summer I’ll have my degree. It’ll be a tough but I hope also rewarding time for me. Having to shift the way I write papers (quick, barely researched and sourced, not even remotely re-read, always started mere hours before the deadline) to something more useful for a thesis, something fitting for a thesis, is going to be challenging. Keeping my head in the right space, keeping the focus and doing the work, it’s all going to be hard for me. But I have faith that I will find a way to reign in my scatterbrain and flick the hyper-focus switch into something that will be sustainable for the time I have to write my thesis in.

Speaking of my thesis, there is something I have not mentioned yet, that strongly informed my experience of 2019. Good Omens is the book I’ll be writing my thesis about (specifically a queer theological reading of it) and Good Omens was the story that has shaped my year. I re-read the book at the beginning of term and once the mini-series came out at the end of May, I did not really think about anything else since. This book and this show are so incredibly important to me, and it is, after a long while of nothing even remotely getting there, the first thing that has captured my attention so strongly, that it has outlasted my one-month hyper-focus ability and shows no signs of stopping any time soon. And that I am so incredibly grateful for. I wasn’t sure if I could still do it. Have an interest, have passion for something, for longer than a month. So many things I tried and loved and done, and after a single month, I dropped them like a hot potato and never touched them again. But Good Omens came and took me by my hand and lead me into the promised land. Especially since the show came out, I feel like a changed person. I have talked about it to no end, and I could go on forever now too, but I’ll just say this for now: This story of an angel and a demon crossing the divide that is their differences, coming together in love for the world, for humanity, and each other, this story means everything to me, and it has given me so much. Nothing is ever going to change that. That is irrevocable. And I know that 2020 won’t change that fact. I have faith that this passion will continue on and will inspire more positive change in me. It’s already started bringing me back to writing and drawing, so I know that it will lead me somewhere.

There is so much more I could say here, now, about 2019, about 2020. About my plans and my wishes, my dreams and the things I ought to do. But I think, I’ll leave it at that, for now. I tried this monthly blogging last year for the first time, and I think I’ll try to continue doing it. So, you can expect to read more of my thoughts on all kinds of things.

For now, however, let me say this: 2020 can be anything you want it to be. 2020 is yours to shape, yours to create in, yours to manage, yours to use. I want my 2020 to be gentle, to be taken one step at a time, to be experienced to the fullest, to be lived and felt and actively experienced. Sure, bad things can happen, bad things can always happen. But it’s your decision what happens next.

In 2020, I want to start loving more unapologetically. Do good, recklessly. Be kind, always. Not just to others, but to myself.

…

I have faith in us, you know? Humans. There’s so much hope there, still. 2020 might just as well show it.

…

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it’ll be a good one for you.

[uncurieuxrenard]

Football is more French than you might think.

France has been part of my life since my birth, probably, but, through the years, this feeling grew stronger and stronger. There is actually a year where it started, and that's 2015, but it peaked in the summer of 2016, thanks to the European championship which took place in France. That tournament ended with France losing the final against Portugal, but that inspired me to research for the story of this sport I had just begun following (end of 2015). So I did. I am a perfectionist, so I wanted to dig as deep as possible into this mystery, the first of a long series of origin stories of inventions, sports and more, which, to be honest, were the main reason why I created this blog in the first place. So, I thought that the first one of these stories to share with you had to be the first I researched.

So, we will start from the very beginning and with the premise that, since the dawn of times, every civilisation having roamed Planet Earth has played games, and many of them involved a ball. There are evidences of ball games everywhere in the world, from Pre-Columbian America, where Mayans played the Tlachtli, the probable precursor of basketball, to Asia, and this is where our tale begins.

The civilisation is the Chinese one. The dynasty reigning is the Han. The century is the third B.C. The name of the game is Cuju. Born as a military training, this game, officially recognised by FIFA as the earliest form of the game, initially saw players trying to kick a feather-stuff ball into a goal made of two wood sticks planted on the ground. This game spread from the army to the royal courts and upper classes, always during the Han Dynasty, which lasted from 206 BC to 220 AD. Cuju evolved into something more complex where its popularity during the Tang Dynasty, and it started to resemble football even more. It became a team-oriented game and clubs started to be established, but its popularity exploded during the Song Dinasty (960-1279) and in the X century the first Cuju league was created, 800 years earlier than the British Football Association. Not bad. Eventually, cuju began to fade around the XVII century and soon disappeared.

In the same period cuju was being invented in China, in Europe the spiritual father of European football and rugby was being developed by the Greeks. Despite the image of the lone Greek athlete trying to reach for glory by himself, like a mythological hero, Greeks also played team-oriented games, and Episkyros was one of these. The teams of this violent game, especially in Sparta (where else?), were usually made up of 12-14 players. The field and the teams were divided into two by a line, and another line was behind them. The goal of the game was to push the ball to the other end of the field. This game incorporated, therefore, elements of both football and rugby, which actually were two sports of the same root at the time of their "inception" in XIX century England. But, according to some sources, even the atmosphere was similar back in Ancient Greece. One of these comes from the Egyptian writer Athenaeus of Naucratis' Deipnosophistae, which contains an excerpt dating from the IV century by Antiphanes, the famous comedy writer who describes a moment during an Episkyros game and the consequent reactions from the supporters, all written in a modern television commentary style:

"Once he took and passed the ball, he was enjoying that, while he was dodging an opponent and making another one of them fall on the ground. Then, he helped one of his team mates lift off the ground. All around were strong yells saying "out!", "long ball!", "high!", "low!", "short ball!", "shoot it back to the fray!"

Episkyros never was an Olympic sport in Ancient Greece, but, as you can read above, the agonism was all there, both from the athletes and the audience, unlike cuju, which was merely an exercise, a game. Sports and games always were a serious thing for the Greeks.

Once the Romans conquered Greece in 146 BC, one of the many things they "borrowed" from the Greeks was this game. Romans renamed it Harpastum and it is said that they introduced the rule which forbade to touch the ball with the hands. Plus, when Rome built the empire we all know, this game got immensely popular among the centurions defending the limes of the Roman Empire. This means that, while Greeks invented this game, Romans spread all over Europe (which means the British Isles, naturally).

Actually, the first mention of an unidentified ball game in Britain comes from the IX century AD. We cannot know whether it had anything to do with football, but probably this game was the Harpastum of some game deriving from it. What we know, though, is that the game which officially started it all came from... France.

In fact, if we want to find the actual origins of modern football we have to move to Northern France where, around the same time above mentioned, a new game developed and spread in Normandy and Picardy named Soule (or choule). This game was usually played after a religious function or during the holidays between two teams composed of people coming from two villages, usually close and rivals, but also between two different social statuses or situation (for instance, married men against bachelors et cetera). The game ended when one of the teams, composed of a potentially unlimited number, managed to push the ball with any means (besides the feet, sticks and hands were also allowed) towards the opponents' village, and then shot the ball into the portal of the local church, scoring de facto one gol. The ball disputed in a Soule game was made either of leather or animal bladders, filled with bran, hay, moss or horsehair. The field was of variable dimensions and could include ditches, streams, woods and wetlands, but the game started in the "midfield", which could be the border between the two churches (or "goals", in this case), the square of the village, a graveyard or even the castle of the local landlord.

As my description of this game may suggest, la Soule was a manly, violent game. While this was true, it was unexpectedly regulated and accompanied by an actual code of rules. Surely, it was much less violent than believed, since any type of violence towards the opponents was allowed. If today this sport is remembered as a barbaric, medieval game is surely thanks to the infamous, so called "remission letters", in which real court cases involving injuries and, some times, deaths, were evoked and told. When we actually think about the amount of players involved in a single game of this ancient sport, though, these sad cases were possible, as they are in every sport up to this day. Despite this, these letters helped give this game a bad, and equally unjustified, fame.

The first mention of the Soule in France dates back the year 1147, but it's almost sure that it was played in Northern France way before that date, since scholars are nowadays sure that this game was introduced in England by the Normans after William the Conqueror invaded the island in 1066. Moreover, this theory sounds incredibly plausible because the so-called "mob football", medieval English ball game from which modern football as we know it today descends, has no anterior mentions than 1174 on British soil, and, also, this mob football was characterized by almost identical features and rules than the French soule. However, I think it is right to specify that from the moment the soule was introduced in Britain, every development of the game that eventually led to the codification of modern football, the establishment of the Football Association in 1863 and the birth of the first football clubs (the first of which is Sheffield F.C.), all occured in the British Isles, even though soule kept being played, with discontinuity, on French soil at least until the XIX century.

A special mention goes to all the other subsequent ball games which were played throughout the history of Europe, from the Icelandic Knattleikr, first mentioned in XII century (but probably older) to the Italian Calcio Fiorentino from the Renaissance.

Finally, we can say that this long story tells us that we should never write or talk about history with the verb to be. Football, as in many other inventions and other things in history, is not English. This verb sounds like something definitive, an ended argument, as sure as death. As we can learn from this story, instead, history can surprise us with a lot of beautiful "maybes", "ifs", "actuallys", by showing us Ancient Chinese people kicking a ball, an Ancient Greek young man freestyling and medieval French people scoring goals by shooting balls inside churches, by playing a primitive form of the sport which eventually became the most popular one in our world.

[thesffcorner]

The Fever King

The Fever King is the first book in a YA sci-fi/dystopian duology written by Victoria Lee. I have a lot of very strong mixed feelings on this book, so buckle up; this will be a long one. 

In the near distant future, the United States has been withered down to several smaller nations, courtesy of a magic virus that has wiped out most of the population. The virus in the form of a fever, burns its victims to a husk, and those who survive it are called witchings, and they develop supernatural abilities. A 100 years after the original outbreak, we follow Noam Alvarez, a 16 year old boy who lives in the only witching state of Carolina. He’s the son of undocumented migrants, and when an outbreak in a refugee camp kills his father and all of his neighbours, he survives and gains technopathy: the ability to control electronic devices. He gets recruited into Level IV to train for the military, under the direct supervision of the man who created Carolina: Calix Lehrer. I think that long intro, might have already clued you into some of this book’s problems. In case you couldn’t tell, this book is a debut, and it really feels like it. Victoria Lee is a talented author, with a good grip on style and explores interesting ideas. This book’s hook bought me, and her characters (the few that are developed at least) are genuinely intriguing. This book is also highly political, and it’s subject matter is absolutely topical and relevant for today’s issues. If you are someone young, who hasn’t read a lot of political science and wants to get a primer into stuff like communism, revolutions and migrant issues, then I think this book would serve as a great primer. However, there are issues. The plot and the themes are just all over the place; there are also significant issues with the pacing and worldbuilding, and even the characters end up confused. The writing is solid, and I think with some more time and experience, I could really love Lee’s work, but as is, this book is a very much, an ambitious mess. Writing: Let’s start with some positives. Lee has a writing style that’s quite unique, and not something I have read before. She writes in third person, but the writing is very stream of consciousness. Lot’s of scenes, especially at the start read like we are following Noam’s thought pattern; he will interrupt himself, or not explain what is happening fully, because he himself hasn’t processed it yet. Since he’s the PoV character, he ends up feeling quite unreliable, which is a rarity in YA, and his inability to be unbiased and objective, actually factors into the plot, because we flip flop on what is happening and who we trust just as he does, and we operate on faulty or partial information, because that’s what he knows, or sometimes doesn’t notice the discrepancies. Unfortunately, this has the adverse effect of making this book read extremely young. Lee explores a lot of themes here, but the main one revolves around freedom, revolution and what and how much you are willing to sacrifice to achieve your goal. Both Noam and Lehrer do unspeakable things in the name of justice and freedom, and there is a fine line between fighting for a cause and becoming a monster. I would like to say that this theme is handled with finesse, but Noam has a very black and white view of the world, and has the patience of a teenage boy; as such he ends up making a lot of really stupid decisions, and refusing to acknowledge a lot of horrible things. There’s also a lot of discussion of communism, dictatorships, and leadership, all of it feels like a middle grade school report. The absolute worst scene for me was when Noam and Lehrer discuss the phrase ‘dictatorship of the proletariat’; I was cringing so hard as the book ground to a halt to give me a history and philosophy lesson on what that phrase means. It’s so over the top and blunt, and I really didn’t care for it. Tone: If the book was written entirely like this, I think I would’ve liked it more; I am simply not the target audience. I am too old and have been through enough classes, discussions, debates and even real world protests and changes of government for a middle grade discussion on communism to appeal to me. But the book mixes these really simplistic juvenile themes, and a character who read like a 14-15 year old, with brutal realities of what revolution is actually like, and it made for such an uneven reading experience. There are numerous scenes of people dying in executions, from disease, there is discussion of rape, child abuse, assassinations and violations of the body and mind. It’s at once a very ‘baby’s first guide to revolution’, while at the same time attempting to have a very nuanced and complex villain/hero dynamic. The sexual politics of this book especially made me uncomfortable; the scenes between Noam and Lehrer especially felt like they belonged in a much more mature book than this one. Worldbuilding: This is where most of my problems with the book stem from. This is a book that has the very difficult job of setting up this world, explaining how the situation got so dire, introduce the superpowers, the characters, the status quo, and it has to do all of that for 2 separate timelines. I would like to say Lee succeeded but I am still very confused. Let’s start with the positives. I really wasn’t sure why it was necessary that the virus was magic; it could have been any kind of sci-fi virus that changes the morphology and biology of the survivors in order to give them superpowers. The fact that the virus was a form of magical fever that burns up its victims reminded me so much of Osaron from the Shades of Magic series, that I half expected the infected to have black veins and black eyes. What I enjoyed about the superpower aspect was that the powers were tied to something that the person already knew or had a connection to. For example, Noam is very good with computers and coding already, so his presenting power is technopathy, meaning he already knows exactly how computers, electricity, magnetism and algorithms work, so his power is just a physical extension of that. This was the most original and interesting aspect of the setting, and I liked all the bits we got with Noam doing math and physics and why it was necessary for him to learn all of that, before he could really master his powers. The early scenes where Lehrer teaches him and Dara on how to use their powers were great, and though the scene with the coin was lifted straight out of the X-men films, I loved it. The refugees, the refugee camps, the post apocalyptic setting and the politics were all things I have read before. There’s so many elements borrowed from Divergent, The Maze Runner, The Hunger Games and The Darkest Mind; the ending especially felt exactly like the ending of The Darkest Mind. I don’t even need to know that Lee is an avid X-men reader to tell you exactly where she got the estetic for the setting, the apocalypse, the anti-witchery suits, the suppression, the anti-witching vaccine and especially, especially Lehrer’s character. This is where the problems start. First off, the two timelines. Everything to do with the Lehrer brothers forming Carolina, the virus outbreak, the dissolution of the United States and the virus was incredibly confusing, underdeveloped, and lifted straight out of the X-men films. It’s like Lee took bits and pieces of all of them and pulled them all together: Lehrer being tortured in the mutant, I mean witching camps was a mix of X-2 and Origins, Lehrer redirecting the nuclear warhead back into the ocean was from First Class, Lehrer being questioned by the telepath was from X-2, and Carolina having closed its borders and being the only safe haven for withings was from the Genosha/San Francisco storylines in the comics. The reason I point all of this out was because it was so blatant, and so badly patched together that I didn’t feel like Lee had anything to say about these things; she just took bits and pieces of these various X-men storylines, which for better or worse were actually complete and devoted time and development to their implementation. Here, I wasn’t sure why some states were states, like Carolina, while others, like Atlanta were cities. Europe and Canada are mentioned, but no mention of Asia or Africa. Is every other place in the world unaffected? Or did they all execute every single witching and infected person? How come Carolina is supposed to be this heaven when their technology hasn’t advanced past 2019, and yet they are still somehow independent? Everything to do with Lehrer was likewise confusing. He was King, but he then abdicated and Sacha was democratically elected, and yet the state he ruled was a communist monarchy? Why did he abdicate? If everything is infected, how did the Carolina army get to Atlanta to besiege them? And then we get to the migrants. This part was the worst, because it suffered so hard from the black and white morality. The migrants come from Atlanta which is suffering horrible outbreaks of the virus. Even though the Carolinas are willing to let the refugees in, they do everything in their power to keep them secluded, undocumented and completely isolated. Look, I’m not going to pretend that migrants are treated well in most places; they are not. But usually there are bigger issues at hand, not just bigotry. A lot of refugees have problems with learning the local language, adapting to local climate, customs, food. There are cultural clashes between the local and the refugees, religious differences. That simply doesn’t translate here; if the virus isn’t genetic, and it’s detectable, than what good would expending resources to keep the refugees secluded do? They speak the language, there aren’t different customs or religion, the only difference is the city they come from. Carolina and Atlanta are not a good allegory for the current migrant crisis, and I can’t believe I’m siding with Brennan but they really are guests in someone else’s homeland. They can’t just start a revolution and overthrow the government, which is what Noam wants. The way Noam acts this whole book is a righteous rage that’s just ill conceived. Yes, he’s being manipulated, but he acts like no one other than refugees have a hard life, like Ames or Dara or any of the other characters couldn’t possibly have problems. What’s more is he’s never called out on this behavior and he’s never corrected or shown to be wrong, which is just insincere at best and blatantly untrue at worst. Pacing: Like the tone, the pacing was all-over the place. This book is at once overcrowded with information, trying to set up so much, and accomplish even more, while at the same time painfully slow and uneventful. There are pages upon pages of exposition and pontificating on irrelevant philosophical questions, while the actual action is so mediocre. The pacing reminded me of my least favorite part of The Hunger Games; the first part in Mockingjay where Katniss just spends pages upon pages training and locked inside the District 13 compound. The same is true here; once Noam is inside Level IV, almost nothing of interest happens until the very end, with the exception of his detour during the protest. We are supposed to be invested in the character development, but there really are only 2 relationships, and both are… iffy. Characters: There are literary, only 3 characters of interest in this book; none of the supporting cast was interesting in any way, and the 3 other students might as well have not been in the book. So let’s talk about Dara. Dara was the most frustrating character I have read in a while. The best way I can describe him is, he’s Rhy from Shades of Magic; he is a beautiful, deeply damaged character, who is promiscuous, seductive, and completely there to serve as a love interest/victim for Noam. Dara is the second most powerful character in this book, and yet he spends 90% of it drunk, high, locked in a room, or in some sort of peril. There is so much abuse throw his way that I wondered for a second if I accidentally skipped back to The Raven King. As a character by himself, he wasn’t particularly interesting, until the very end of the book, where we get several reveals that have no time to be digested or explored, because the book is over. His relationship with Noam was even more frustrating. He acts appropriately, like a teenager, but he’s also supposed to be older and more clever than Noam, which makes the situation they are put in even dumber. So much of this book could have been avoided if they would just TALK to each other, and even the reveal doesn’t hide how much this whole plot relies on contrivance. Like ok, I will absolutely buy that Dara would fall in love with Noam, but he still violated Noam’s trust, privacy and very core by doing what he did to him for over a year. I also don’t often comment on sex scenes in YA, but I really, really disliked the sex in this book. Like I said, Noah is so naive and reads so young, that I kept forgetting he was 16, not like 14, and even still Dara is at least 18, when they do it, so it was just immensely uncomfortable to read. That scene also had the absolute worst line I have read this year which was, I shit you not “Dara was born to lie on mussed bedsheets with wet hair spilling like an ink stain onto white pillows, flush cheeked” pg.250 I am feeling iffy just writing it down right now, knowing the context of this character! Speaking of, let’s talk about Lehrer. First, let’s all acknowledge that Lehrer IS Magneto. He is a revolutionary who has a very loose sense of morals/regard for human life, he isn’t above violent and destructive means, he is incredibly good at inspiring and manipulating people into joining him, he is Jewish, and he is powerful. I can’t say anything more about him without MAJOR SPOILERS, so if you haven’t read this, skip to the end. From the very first scene Lehrer appeared, I thought the way he acts around Noam was strange. There is a constant, underlying sense of predation in all of his scenes; the scenes are written as a type of seduction, and though he is never explicitly sexual with Noam, it is very clear that his intentions and feelings for Noam aren’t just paternal. Lehrer is praying on Noam, and Noam constantly flip flops between feeling attracted to Lehrer and considering him a mentor, father like figure. This was beyond uncomfortable to read; watching Noam be manipulated for 300 pages was hard enough, without constantly being worried that Lehrer would escalate their relationship. And then we find out that we were right all along, and Lehrer really is a predator; the bruises and marks Dara has are not from Ames, they are from Lehrer. Lehrer, who is his legal guardian, who has raised him like a son. I wanted to vomit. Not only that, but we also learn that Lehrer’s true power is persuasion: it’s similar to Alison from The Umbrella Academy’s power in that he can influence what people who are around him do, and he uses that power both on Dara and Noam. This made the ending incredibly confusing; did Noam forget what Dara told him about Lehrer releasing the virus? Does he only remember certain things but not that? Does he not remember the part where Dara told him Lehrer has been assaulting him for years? If he doesn’t, then why did Noam rescue Dara at the end? If he does, then why does he believe Lehrer when he says he never used his powers on Noam, when he clearly blatantly did? This reveal made the book incredibly fascinating to me, but also, I wanted to throw up. I still feel ill writing this review. I will give Lee all the credit; she got me hooked. I want to see what happens to Noam, I want to see what exactly his relationship with Lehrer will be now that Dara is gone, what happened to Wolf (did he turn into a dog? Fullmetal Alchemist style?) Conclusion: This is an ambitious but confusing book. It’s lead 3 characters, and the dynamics between them are the real draw, but the worldbuilding and plot leave a lot to be desired. I would recommend it, but if you are at all disturbed by abuse, implied rape, and predatory behavior… maybe read the X-men instead.

goodreads

[acradaunt]

Etrian Odyssey Nexus Playthrough - Week 1

I thought it would be a fun idea to record weekly my progress through EO Nexus. Why? I enjoy reading people's experiences where multiple options are available; what they chose, and why, and how exactly that turned out for them. It's something this EO has more than ever before, and it's such a central concept to my own work on DR, so in its own way, it's research. And since there is a need for people to have 100 QR codes, it serves a purpose there, too.

I'll try ultra-hard to avoid any form of spoilers, so expect me to be vague as hell about stratum or FOE names. To make the most of all these fun class options (and the extremely early Memory Conch), I'm rotating characters around as I see fit, but mostly in accordance with when conditionals are needed or interesting weapons are available. I mean, that kind of class-switching has been the norm for things like Final Fantasy since III, so why not do it here? Between these two things, I'm going to be writing about how characters are faring and where they shone, rather than going on about each stratum.

Couple general notes before character remarks; I'm playing on Expert (which is the norm for EO), and I just punched into the fifth stratum. On that, things are really coming together, as I'm now seeing enemies from three different regions of III and IV at the same time. Lush Woodlands was so aggressively a carbon-copy of its EOIV incarnation it made me really worried. Those fears seems fairly quashed at this point. Also, um, character remarks in Read More, because they're actually kinda long.

Imperial / Arcanist / Harbinger / Shogun / War Magus / Nightseeker - None of these have seen any use yet. Of 19 classes, some just might not fit in a first playthrough. The first three definitely'll show once subclasses come along, but right now aren't super-appealing for various reasons; Imperial's ridiculous TP requirements make it sound like a non-starter in early game, I don't trust turn-end heals when most random battles last 1-3 turns, and, well, I feel it'd be wrong to use my #1 Harbinger without also bringing along a certain Dragoon (Hero) and Masuaro (Ronin). That debuffer role has also lowkey been stolen by Landsknecht, of all things.

Klein the Hero - Klein has been absolutely devastating in random battles, but has generally floundered during bosses and FOEs, with Hero mostly being about multi-target attacks and a bit of a TP-hog. After netting the 3rd stratum boss' weapon, his damage output has been fairly ridiculous, and Shock Strike is nothing short of amazing. He's definitely not going anywhere, but I wouldn't say he's irreplaceable, either; that sword's nutso damage is innately amazing in anyone's hands. In a lot of ways, Hero is a remix of Dragoon, and while I definitely didn't like Dragoon at first, it grew on me quite a lot.

Iris the Protector - Iris came in strong against the 2nd stratum boss, and only got better with that boss' weapon able to shoot cheap line-piercing Fire attacks that could sweep most of the 3rd stratum. Ultimately, circumstances made her not very appealing for the 4th stratum, and I haven't seen any remarkable new spears, so she's mostly waiting for that. Or a Boss/FOE where Taunting is effective to return to the forefront.

Terra the Highlander - Terra was off-and-on for the early part of the game, trading said spear with Iris as was convenient. Veteran Skills haven't been particularly kind to her, but Master or Subclasses might still change that. She's certainly strong and sturdy enough to handle the frontline, and there's something to be said about how tricky it is to shatter a three-person front-row that doesn't need to rely on Protectors.

Stella the Zodiac - One of my starting five, Stella repeatedly died in one shot in the 1st stratum and burnt through TP way too fast, and performed similarly poorly in a brief stint in the 3rd stratum. I considered bringing her on again for a specific FOE, but ultimately didn't. After Warlock's same-turn Charge and Runemaster's Runes, this class just feels tremendously disappointing.

Coral the Landsknecht - Easily the most all-around reliable, if never the shining star. Extremely burly and with a diverse array of skills at hand, she's always useful. Primarily though, she shield bashes to cripple foes with Debuffs then Links away when they can't possibly do enough damage to kill anyone.

Erika the Ronin - Absolutely the core damage dealer for the 2nd's Boss and the 3rd stratum, primarily due to an incredibly good Katana you get midway through the 2nd Stratum. She was all about Air Blades from the back-row, then dashing to the front-row to regain her stance, drop offenses, or go for a strong arm-bind. It's a really fun class, all around. However, getting caught by a single good attack, even when in the back, is usually a death sentence for her, so it's a bit tricky, too. That said, she still came through big-time in both the 2nd and 3rd Strata Bosses, which were more endurance matches and about conserving TP more than anything, so there's something to say about that.

Laura the Medic - Not a ton to say here. Medics heal and revive; lifesavers when things get hairy during FOEs/Bosses. What is no joke is her Star Drop's ability to ruin defenses. Like Erika, she did occasional row-switching when things were safe. Not something you'd expect from a Medic. During initial planning, she was gonna be a Medic/Landsknecht, for high-speed Star Drops, but Star Drop is a normal debuff now, not a one-turn affair like it was, so I'm not too sure what her endgoal is anymore. I'm considering swapping her for Adam, who's designed to be a Medic/Zodiac, so I would at least have SOME form of normal mage (not to mention cheaper TP for heals via Free Energy). Laura's a dumbass though, and I love her for that, and right now, the Medic is hitting stuff in her free time, not casting, so she fits the bill better right now, especially as conserving TP is still a huge deal. STILL can't buy Amritas.

Juri the Survivalist - Probably the overall MVP for the first four strata. Blinding Arrow was vital against most Lush Woodlands FOEs/Bosses, and doubling all harvesting for a single skill point is nothing to scoff at. Add in cheap on-field healing, and she was good enough to kick Laura out for the whole 3rd stratum (until FOE/boss time). She's definitely starting to feel like she's falling off, though. Veteran added some nice moves for random encounters, but Master skills sound very lackluster, with only Disabling Shot sounding appealing (though Disabling Shot [Add Leg Bind to ALL Bow Skills] is VERY appealing). Master's still a long ways off though.

Yai the Pugilist - Yai wound up coming in for some conditional-drop hunting near the end of the 3rd Stratum, and with another great fist from a FOE on the World Map (making it a... WOE? MOE?), has stayed around off-and-on since then. Binds can always completely swing the flow of a fight, but they're not super-reliable, and she suffers from Erika's frailty, with none of the row-swapping tricks to keep her alive. She isn't terrible, but she's failing to live up to her EOV self. That said, she actually combos amazingly with Coral this time, as opposed to last time where she was the only one who DIDN'T play into Coral's pierce-a-thon.

Olga the Gunner & Leon the Sovereign - Neither have seen significant use but bear mention. When Bind conditionals first came up, it was an immediate coin-toss between getting Olga or Yai ready. Yai won because the current array of Guns failed to impress. However, with Yai's questionable performance and Juri's waning damage, a solid Gun could easily make Olga a mainstay. Leon, likewise, is basically waiting for more Skill Points and a weapon with a decent Skill to use to come in on. Leon definitely hasn't felt as sturdy as he did in III, which is also holding him back a bit, as I'd prefer him to be a part of the front-row wall-of-steel. Still, using the same gear as Klein and Klein's own iffy performance against bosses means he'll probably push through for the 5th or maybe 6th's Stratum bosses.

Kagura the Ninja - Brought in for a bit during the 4th stratum, when I was wondering if I was overlevelled, as upon first arriving, I was seeing yellow FOEs. I don't think I was. She actually served pretty decently in random encounters, essentially being able to mass-sleep an entire wave of enemies, which came in major handy, as the 4th just loves throwing 4+ enemies at you at once. Having her mother's (now retconned to being her sister, I guess) badass Katana to swap to definitely eased her entry into the group. Not material for FOEs, though; her overall damage output remained quite poor.

Kahna the Landsknecht - It's no secret that I'm a huge sucker for Landy's Links and especially Fencer's Chains as a primary form of team synergy. I'm seriously considering the possibility of running TWO Landsknechts; Coral on Shield Bashing debuff duty, and Kahna as a high-speed Linker. Truth is, Coral spends so much time with the shield keeping foes down, she has little time to lift herself up, and Landsknecht has no shortage of damage buffs, to boot.

[straytraineraria]

🌈 'sup. i'm aria. unovan transfer student in paldea's uva academy, hobbyist breeder/trainer, and your local catperson ( in both ways ).

🧶 i don't really do much other than just kinda exploring, catching pokemon, n' doing classes. i did complete the paldea dex that one time and maybe stopped a few threats and i may or may not be a supplier of a good few of the various professor's starter pokemon but yknoooow. typical stuff compared to things othr ppl r doin

🌻 my """ace""" ( in many quotes bc i never have consistent teams ) is a meowscarada the head of uva gifted me who i named forsythia. he's showy and loves doing tricks for ppl so i sometimes have him outside of his ball so he can show off. if ur ever in paldea and see a meowscarada in mesagoza chances are it might be mine lol

🔴 you can battle me if u want ig but i dont battle suuuuper duper competitively. like yea i know what evs and ivs are and i try to maximize my favorite pokemons ones since thats rlly cheap nowadays ( bottlecaps used to be sm more expensive ) but other than that i dont do much else

🖌️i also like uh, drawing and writing and stuff like that a lot but i only rlly post abt that stuff online lol. i've wanted to be a musician but learning stuff other than singing is hard, and same w/ game dev stuff. codings hard. but i also play games ofc ofc. i love splatoon 3 n im good at my ursaco shifts >:3c

idk what else 2 put here. uhh. have fun

______

OOC:

hiiii this is a pokemon irl blog :3

anyone can interact. pokemon, pokepasta, rp blogs, non-pokemon related blogs, whoever tf!!! the excuse is just "alt timelines/dimensions" etc for crossover stuff or different pokemon rpers/irl blogs who have diff rules

RULES | ABOUT ARIA ( IC ) | ABOUT ARIA ( OOC )

🌀 the character being played is aria! a 19 year old pokemon trainer ( who is also uh. a catperson. ) enrolled in naranja-uva academy ( specifically uva ) and just sort of exploring the world to find themselves and all. they/he pronouns. if you want more go here.

the character is an AU of my persona based on my playthrough of pokemon violet specifically but is also just generally based on my experience with pokemon - except mixed with if it was in real life. they aren't 100% me bc that'd probably make things weird, but they are mostly made up of my segments and parts hence. them being a sona.

⚠️ most of the way this blog goes abt the whole pokemon irl and related stuff doesn't follow any super specific rules or anything. of course, it follows most of the groundwork of that and stuff, but its a little mixed with canon pokemon a little more so it might be a little more outlandish as opposed to the more grounded ( quote unquote ) nature of most pkmn irl blogs. it's still mostly grounded, just like, everso slightly more akin to the pokemon games for a little more wiggleroom. also whatever the natural catboyism is about. it is not explained nor will be probably.

⚡ "yes and"-ing / improv is very important for any pkmn irl blog but if anything doesn't follow Your blogs canon the explanation is probably just "timeline bullshit" or "don't think abt it too hard" with some specific things ( the fact aria is a catboy just, like, naturally ). u can point these out but aria will just be like "lol? that's always how its been"

🔔 follow me if u r interested... i will post now and again. I do not know how to make good info/first posts.

____

❤️ ooc, i am a young adult and use he/they pronouns.

🐈 i am. also named aria. aria's a self-insert/sona but at the same time not really. it's complicated, but there's enough levels of separation where things won't be weird i prommy.

🐱 idrc who interacts, but do note i'm fine with suggestive jokes but they'll be tagged like that and not taken further than just jokes + i probably won't make them that often? just if smth asks me smth like that or if i see an Opportunity for a joke.

✨ magic anons are allowed but i have the right to refuse them.

📧 asks are allowed and so are interactions, ofc ofc

⚠️ i likely won't tag unreality / high stakes pokereality unless any post feels particularly hard to distinguish, so heres your warning; this blog contains unreality since these blogs r for acting as if pokemon are real!

⛔ of course as always bigots, terfs, prosh/ppers, etc DNI ⛔

anyways have fun!

[hotmothsummer]

:star: feel free to talk abt any of your fics !! :D

Oh I wasn’t expecting one asfjfkd now I actually have to find smth to talk about (sorry thats why this took so long to answer lol). let’s seeee. I’ve been on a bit of a snmr kick lately so ill go w that. Let’s talk a little more about the familiars and enderchest!

Ask game - Directors Cut

So in snmr, or Scar No More, Ranboo, Ranboo is a witch, and they have a familiar named enderchest. 

The whole reason Ender is there in the first place is bc for a while before i had been itching to add one of ranboos mc cats into a story and make her relevant. Which sounds strange yeah but bear w me. Ive said before but original plans for snmr looked way majorly different. Snmr is just a big soup of concepts that stewed in my brain before getting spat back out on paper in essence, and it has always been like that. Before i started looking at otgw, bf-u, and k&f podcast (just to name a few, there was so many) for inspo, i was looking at lostcat//pod, a-81, and iamin//eskew - all great horror podcasts btw id recommend.

Ranboo just feels so obviously horror-story coded, I wanted to give him the story he deserved and originally, snmr was going to be that story. It was going to have a far more surreal, unsettling, cosmic(? ish) horror tone where the horror is found in the setting much like the pods named above. Obviously, this idea got scrapped when i found other elements to pull more focus on, but I think I do have a scrap of when snmr was going to be more based off of the premise of lostcat//pod:

.

It is a chilly day in Autumn, and Ranboo has lost his cat. 

He has not had to fight her for his favorite place on the sofa. He has not heard her meowing at inane hours of the morning. He has not had to shove her away from his dinner left unattended.

The absence of his cat pulls at his anxiety. The air is growing colder every day, and the forest along the edge of town is deep, and dark. It is no place for a house cat. 

He has already done a variety of things that could possibly bring her back home, including setting out cream and the expensive soft food she likes, [...]

Enderchest is not an overly affectionate cat. She’s actually quite the asshole. She likes to scratch at his ankles and hide under beds and topple vases. But sometimes, late at night, she’d curl up on top of his chest and purr like a motor engine. Sometimes, when he came home he’d be greeted by her winding circles about his legs and her pushing her face into his hand. 

She’s a good cat, despite her less than welcoming attitude. He couldn’t deny he was fond of her. She’s been the only real company he’s had since moving, and her impatient meows for food every morning had turned into a comforting sound. 

Which leads him to where he is now, at the general store, printing out hastily made copies of a missing poster. 

.

[keep reading under cut]

Perhaps a bit much for a cat known to be out and about most of the time anyway, but Ranboo is already worked up by the change in location and he really can’t afford this extra stress.

He shuffles, hands deep in the pockets of his thin jacket, trying to avoid the curious stare of the cashier. The only sounds are the hum of the refrigeration in the back and the steady shuck shuck shuck of the printer. He is the only other person in the store. Which, he supposes makes sense, as it’s a small town, tiny, and it’s the middle of the day on a Wednesday. Not a lot of traffic.

Eventually the printer stops its rhythm with a solid ker-chunk and a whirr. Ranboo gathers up the papers hurriedly, eager to leave the empty aisles and scrutiny of the cashier. He makes his way towards the doors, desperately trying not to make eye contact. His hand reaches for the door, his shoulder braces in anticipation of the push. Then his eyes catch on the bulletin board near the entrance. He stops. 

Posters for school plays, flyers for yoga classes, and brochures for hiking trails all vie for attention on the clustered bulletin. His gaze, though, is drawn toward the paper pinned at the bottom corner. MISSING, it declares in worried all caps. The picture is of a little boy, no older than 8, he couldn’t be. Fluffy red hair, swamped in a coat too big for him, he clutches a worn plush animal to his chest. He’s grinning at whoever was taking the photo. 

“You seen ‘im?” 

He turns at the question. The cashier’s stood up straight now, rather than leaning against the counter. 

“Oh, I--no, no, I haven’t” --his eyes flicker back to poster-- “haven’t seen him, sorry.” 

The cashier grunts, cards a hand through his hair. “My mum knows his family, so I just,” he makes a wavy gesture with his hand. “like to check with people. You’re the new guy, right? In the weird house down on East and Oakwood?”

“Weird house…?” he whispers to himself. “Uh...Yes?” Ranboo answers. He doesn’t ask how the guy knows that. Small town, isn’t it? Things tend to get around, or at least that’s what he’s heard. He plays with the loose corner of one of the posters he holds in his arms, not keen on the beginnings of conversation. He edges toward the door restlessly.

“Poggers.” The cashier’s name tag, nestled between colorful pins, reads TOMMY. “So, where’d you come from, huh? And why here?” 

“Uh, M-Massachusetts? Yeah, I’m taking a, uh, a gap year. From college.” He recites the story dutifully.

Tommy makes a noise of understanding. “Yeah? Why’re you here, though?”

“Oh--my uncle owned the house that I’m living in, so.” He shrugs. He looks at the door, readjusts his glasses.

“That’s the bloke who skipped town, wasn’t it?” Tommy leans forward in interest. So that’s what that man was known for?

“Um, no, no, he just died. Heh.” Ranboo desperately wants to leave. He slips a paper off the top of the stack in his arms, hands it toward Tommy the cashier. “Hey, uh, I think my cat’s gone missing, can you put this up on that bulletin? Please?” he adds. 

Tommy takes the paper with a furrow in his brow. “Yeah, sure.” His eyes don’t leave the poster, studying it. For what, Ranboo doesn’t know. He appreciates the vigilance, though, if it helps him get Enderchest back sooner.

“Cool, thanks.” Ranboo says. “Uh, bye.” 

He shoves the door open. It dings welcomingly as he takes his leave. He begins down the sidewalk back to his car. The leaves crunch beneath his shoes as he walks.

He’s not expecting the wind that hits him. He shouts as a poster or two is stolen off the top of the stack, slams his other hand down on the rest of the papers that still remain.

They fly down the street together, parting at a corner. One stops, blown into the path of a trash bin. The other keeps flying, buffeted by the wind. It rises into the sky, fluttering toward the dark edges of the forest that tower above the roofs of houses.

Ranboo shivers, pulls his jacket closer around him, and keeps walking. He has posters to put up.

.

.

As I’m typing this Im remembering that another source of inspiration for snmr was actually also devil town by hoorayy! which is a very good fic by itself and the reason i had those missing posters in this scrap, i think i was giving myself a route to take for when i typed more for the thing. I love when woods and nature are scary and or eldritch of some flavor, in this version of the story i was definitely gonna go for ‘there is something in the woods’/’the woods want to kill you’ type horror.

Enderchest is the remnant of the story that it was going to be, in more ways than one, and i frankly love her for it. 

In addiiton to being the carryover from the lost cat plot point, she also holds up the weird not-quite-right horror i originally wanted to embody. One of my favorite tropes/memes is [area] gothic just bc i like the unsettling uncanny-valley territory of something that looks mundane and familiar turning out to be something more sinister and scary when you look at it just a little too long and a little too close. I knew from the beginning i wanted to have the cat familiar be like that. cats are already so fluid with their shape and associated w superstition it would have been more criminal not to. So, Ender was fit into the not-cat role perfectly.

(however, and i will only say this much: familiars shapes are not just limited to cats. take a wild guess what phil and technoblade’s familiars might look like ;) My vision of the familiars is v much inspired by the celtic folk tale of pucas, if you know of them, specifically the idea that no matter what shape they’re in they almost always have dark fur.) 

So, yeah. I think that’s all i wanted to talk about here. It was actually quite fun i didnt realize how much i had (and wanted) to share until i was already doing it. Thank you for the ask! :D

[itsatazzlife]

Sync this book is not just about the love i seek in i wife some day. Id like to talk about some of the love iv experienced in my family life. Like my mom and dad and sisters and other family. And even talk about some of the ppl that have become like family.

I grow up in a lower middle class white/ native family with 4 sisters and mom and my step dad. When i was little me and my mom where very close. I had a lot of medical problems starting out and my mom was always bedside through it all. I remember staying up late with her to watch the munsters ' mash and other shows like cheers. When i was sick. And making art projects with her all year. So we can sell them at the church fall fair. And cooking as a family. And family game night.

I remember on holidays our family hosting bock party's in our back yard. And when anyone needed help mom and dad was there for them. My aunt was going through a divorce and lost her kids. It was our house that took her in. Friends of the family was going through it. They came to mom and dad.

My dad was a stern man. And we didn't always see eye to eye. But he was a self maid man that never let things like not gradating school. Or coming up on a dairy farm stop him form making a life for himself and thow it took him till i was 15 years to get my mom to marry him. He worked every day of my life to make shore we had wanted little and had everything we needed. He had his flaws like drinking ' a temper. And a closed mind on a lot of thangs. He was my first hero. Cuss he showed me what it really meant to be a man. He showed me how to provided for a family someday. By teaching me everything he could in construction. He showed me the values and morals a man should live by. And bust his but till the day he died to make ends meet. But he lives on today in me. In my life code and values and in my sync of honor.

Me and my eldest sisters bonnie where never really close. I feel she resents my ever being born. She 1nc tried to slit my through infront of the hole family and that was just after thanksgiving dinner 1 year. I only remember 1 good memory of bonnie. It was Halloween night the year after she moved out with her husband at the time and she came and got me and took me and her mans family trick or treating and after we watched horror movies till they took me home. It was the last year i was young anuff to trick or treat. On the way home i fell in love with e.d.m. cuss thats what we jamed out to on the way home. That was the only time bonnie tried treating me like family. And its not like i didn't try. I was there for her baby shower. And tryed to be a great uncle. Thow i was to young to know what that ment. Or how to be 1. And got pushed out and away by her. I was there for her wedding and even part of it. I even tried to be nice to the inlaws. That was tawt to hate me from the start.

Shore i had a lot of problems in my childhood. But as a grown man i made a better man out of myself and the man bonnie and most of my ken hated has been gone for a long time. Even before i cut myself off from my family. In fact when i made the change in my life bonnie was to paranoid about the man i was doing something horrible that i dont even know what she thinks id do. But its not in me to do it and im shore about that. She pushed me out. Her man hated me and so did she. I tried to put myself back in there life. Be a uncle. And make an attempt to bring the family closer. Before it fell apart like it is now. I haven't talked to her in over 10 / 15 years now. And thats fine by me cuss i never felt wanted around even on the 1 good time i can remember with bonnie. It was and always will be prof not every one can be reasoned with and just cuss your family dont mean your sister will have your back. In fact sometimes its more likely she will be gunning for you.

My 2nd oldest sisters Rachel. To me was the cool sister. She was the sister that kiked bully asses for me and had my back when at times i had no one. Its cuss of Rachel that i didn't drop out of school. And got the first job i fell in love with working at the petshop and probily longest job iv ever held. She and my now x brother inlaw nick took me in at my 1rts lowest point in my life. And saved me from my 1st apartment that got taken over by crack heads and hookers and took a huge chance on me and took me in. The rest of the family saw a monster twisting in the wind. They saw me for what i was. Lost. And gave me the new start i needed. Got me back working at the pet shop. Helped me save up for my own place and helped me get it when the time came. But in so many ways but the thing that they did was treat me like an equal. They trusted me with babysitting and let me see what it was like to be a uncle. Rachels kids loved me and it brot joy to my hart to fit in that role. Thow they hate each other now they both stud up for me so many times. And saved me from myself more times then i can remember. For so long they where like hand and hand. And when they split. I could not see them apart. I thought i can keep my favorite brother in-law with out losing or hurting my sister. And it got to a point my life had gotten dark again. And i didn't want to bring them down anymore. So i took a step back from there lives yet i feel i never should have. Cuss now i dont have ither of them. I never ment to walk away from being a uncle or a great brother to my sister. And with them braking up i was bound to lose the closed thing iv ever had to a brother. And cuss i didn't have a chance to see Rachel on the way out of Florida i may never be able to salvage my relationship with my sister. And i say it like that cuss she is the only sister that has been a great sister. I cut a lot of blood lose but Rachel was never meant to be cut out. I was just protecting her and her kids from the cause of my life. Every one in the family may see her as the black sheep. But thats cuss most of the family dont get what family is about. And they semply have no loyalties to anyone but themselves.

Not Rachel she has time and time again had my back and droped everthing to do so. And was allways ready to nock in teeth whether she was pregnant or not. Its cuss of Rachel that i have a understanding of true loyalty and honor. Parts of her i built into my very life code. I hope some day i can be there for her in such big ways that she has been there for me.

Then theres my 3rd sister missy. When i was really young missy and i was the closest out of all the siblings. We started out inseparable. In the playground and so many other ways. That all changed when i went to the programs. I had a lot of psych problems. And i had to go live in a program to help me learn that i was different then most ppl and needed to learn how to live a normal life. And this didn't go well for missy. She hated mom and dad for sending me away. And thow i believe nun of my problems would be there if it wasn't for the meds they had me on but nun the less going to the programs was the best thing for me. With them iv had a really hard time living a normal life. But missy never understood that. All she cared was they took me away. She was dadys little girl. And allways got her way. And back then taking me away was her not getting her way. She only came to visit me 1 time and i was in there from 7 / 17. Years old. And when they started letting me go home on the weekend's. She cut herself off from me and never let me back in. She pretended to let me back in her life and i blow it for good. It was after she moved out. And i was dun with the programs and living back at home. At this time bonnie and her man lived together in the girl's old room. And jonie lived there but missy and Rachel had moved out. At the time me and missy weren't close. But working things out to get that way. I had a stressful life. I had only 1 friend in the world. He lived next door. But we never really had time to be kids together. All i had in my life was school. And my chors that it seemed mom and dad just wanted to keep me busy. So i didn't come home and hang with friends after school. I came home and cleaned the house and dishes. And pulled weeds and sorted materials in the back yard. I cleaned and organized dads tool sheds and up kept his tools and put them away. And on non school days. I was going to work with him.

The girls all had friends and sleep overs and stayed at friends houses and got to go to parties. All i had was 1 friend. And my cactus garden. And a family that all seemed to hate and blame me for everything. I was getting talked down to by every 1 every day and my only escape. Was hanging out on the fence with the neighbor kid. And putting on my music in my headphones and working on my cactus garden. That garden was my only sanctuary and missys dog was living at the house. I loved that dog and i hate myself still to today for what happened. The dogs name was bear bear. When we was little we stole him from a family that beet and starved bear. And he was there for most of our childhood. Anyway. I came home from school and did my house chores. And when i was dun i steped out back to find bear ripping apart my garden and i snapped. I beet bear down with a tree trunk i spent the hole week before diging out of the ground. Wich i dont even remember doing i just remember seeing my garden screeming out loud and when i came to my sister bonnie was pulling me off bear. No 1 ever believed it wasn't on purpose. And bear had to be put down because of me. It wasn't anuff that i hated myself for what i did. And bear being missys dog. She never forgive me. Years later the family got sick of not being aloud to invite me to family gatherings cuss of missy. So on 1 thanksgiving day they tried to get us to make up and i thout that we did and that it was all going to get better. I agreed to never talk about bear again and she agreed to leave it in the past and stat a new with me. We huged it out and cried together. And i went in the house and joined the rest of the family. And grandma asked how did it go. And all i said was that we agreed to put it behind us if i never talk about bear ever again. And thats when Missy came in and blow up on me and Re disowned me on the spot. It was like she never meant to up hold our peace and from that day on. Missy has maid the hole family pick between being apart of her and her kids lifes or having me in there life.

But this family has no hope of being a family ever again. The girls cant let the past go and blame everything on anyone but themselves and they demand way more then the call of duty. If your with them they are boss of your life. And they all remember the past different. Between mom dad and my 3 older sisters this family is way different then how i remember it.

Shore we didint have the Brady Bunch family life. And we didint have everything like the latest games or tvs. We couldn't afford new clothes most the time and thats why i got my but kiked. Most of my clothes was hand-me-downs. And with no older brother. Most of my clothes where girl clothes. Or made by my mom from my sisters clothes. But i never seen my mom or dad have drug problems. My mom didn't even drink till after my dad passed away. And my dad had a drinking problem and beet my mom at times and beet us. Sometimes. Witch most of the time we deserve it. Now that my dad is gone and some before then. There's roomers about molestation and drug abuse and pill poping. And every1 hating everyone cuss no one is there for anyone. But no 1 seems to remember we all destroyed our family. And the only 1 in this hole family thats truly insistent in all this and is allso all of ours victim. Is my youngest sisters jonnie. She never had a say in any of this. Shes handicap and has been and always will be helpless and completely at this familys mercy. And cuss the girls wont let down there pride and let go of the past. And learn to be family aging when mom dies we will all lose jonie. Cuss the girls only care if its ez on them or there getting there way. Jonie dont deserve losing her hole family cuss no one wants to be family. With all that being siad iv had friends that have been more family to me then most of this family. But when its all said and dun family or not whether they hate me or i hate them. My life is mine to live and when and if i ever have a family of my own theres only my mom and Rachel and her kids that will ever see my family. Or go to my wedding. There are more in my family i didn't talk about here and ppl that have become so close that they are like family that i didint brang up here. And i will get into those storys some other time. But for now. This message is about the fact that. Family wethere you like them or not or they hate you our not. Family is what you make it. If you dont put in the work to keep it. You will wind up with no family out in the world alone. Witch for me hasn't been so bad. I could never become a new and better man around my family. Allways being expected to become some serial killer waiting to take them out. It never had to be that way. I moved away from the family that stifled me for way to long. And now the man i became no 1 but my family is scared of. I may still have ppl that hate me. And way more ppl that dont care at all about me. But i know the few that i do allow in my life care about me and respect me. And i had to cut out 100s of ppl out of my life to have peace. And some day ill be a better family man for all that iv gone through with my family.